It’s Not A Mistranslation It Is A Feature

or the one where you forget harry’s birthday and try desperately to make it up to him

just wanted to write something small to try to get back into writing after my break! thank you all for your encouragement, excitement, and patience and I apologize for it being a few days later than I wanted it to be! this is probably the closest to angst that you’ll ever get from me :)

thank you to @1980holland, @summertimestyles, @tbslenthusiast, @bigspoonstyles​, @angryinternetduck, and @iconicharry for letting me run my ideas by you and being so kind in general. more thanks to @tbslenthusiast and @bigspoonstyles for being the most wonderful beta readers and just lovely friends overall!

this is another part of my dad!harry series so as always they are linked in order if you want to re-visit them or read from the beginning if you choose to!

⭐ I Want Your Belly ⭐ Wonderful and Warm ⭐ Washed Away in You ⭐ Do You Want to Build a Snowman? ⭐ A Styles Family Christmas ⭐

word count: 3.6k

“Harry, I’m running late do you think you could drop Sterling off at the sitter’s on your way to set?”

You’re already dressed, pulling on your shoes and grabbing your bag and keys from where they were tossed next to the dresser from the evening before. You dart into the bathroom to quickly brush your teeth.

Harry pokes his head around the doorframe, a wrinkled shirt in his hand, rushing through his own morning routine, “Thought she was coming here?”

“She can’t today, remember? Today’s our day to drop him off.” You put your toothbrush away just as he joins you, taking the toothpaste from your hand to use for himself.

“Alright, yeah. Y’ll have to pick him up later though, think it’ll be a late one for me today.” 

“That’s fine. I’ll throw his bag together and leave it by the door for you to grab on the way out. He’s already been fed and changed so he should be all set. I’ll transfer his car seat to your car too, so you won’t have to worry about that.”

He still has the toothbrush in his mouth, so you stand on your tiptoes to give him a peck to the cheek, adding a “bye, love you!” on your way out the bathroom door.

“Wait..y’don’t have anything else to say to me before you leave?” His mouth now rinsed, he crosses his arms and leans against the doorway, a tired smile working its way across his lips.

“Um..be careful? Don’t drive too fast with Sterling in the car.” 

“I never drive fast,” He takes a quick peek in the mirror, running his hands through his messy curls before turning back to you, “S’that all? Nothing else to say?”

You search your brain, trying to remember anything else you may have forgotten, “Oh! Right..”

His face lights up then, thinking maybe he was gonna finally hear the words he’d been waiting all morning to hear from you.  

“Make sure you tell the sitter there’s an extra pacifier in the right side of his bag that she can leave there in his cubby in case we ever forget one..and that I’ll drop a pack of diapers and wipes off when I pick him up cause I know he’s running low.”

His brow furrows slightly with disappointment, but you’re too busy to notice, blowing him another kiss before rushing out the door of your shared bedroom and down the hall to get Sterling’s bag ready.

He’s still pouting as he opens his top drawer to select a pair of socks for the day.

He couldn’t believe you forgot it was his birthday.

In your opinion, 6 weeks was not long enough for maternity leave. You’re sure no amount of time in your happy bubble with Harry and Sterling would’ve been enough. 

You were somehow able to push those 6 weeks to 12, your boss kindly agreeing to let you do what work you could from home. Eventually, that extension had to come to an end though and there was no other way you could avoid returning to ‘normal’ life.

You’re an hour into your work day but you still can’t shake the feeling that you had truly forgotten something. Harry’s words from the morning ring through your head again and again but you still couldn’t pinpoint what was special about this particular day. It was a Monday..was there some sort of significant anniversary from your relationship over the years, something small but important to him? 

You grab your phone when you have a chance, a quick lull in your morning that allows you to scroll through your phone’s calendar to double check anything your phone may have not yet notified you about. There’s nothing saved, and it does nothing to jog your memory of what importance today’s date holds. 

A text from Anne comes through and your heart stops when you read the message: Tell the birthday boy his present from me is on the way! I was a day later than I should’ve been sending it out so hope he won’t be too upset with me. All my love to you and Sterling as well!

No. Oh no. Guilt bubbles up through your chest and you cover your mouth to stop from cursing too loudly and scaring your nearby coworkers. You have to steady your hand so you can navigate your way through your contacts to Harry’s number, trying to calculate where in his schedule for the day he may be now. It was too early for him to be taking a lunch break, but you silently prayed he would be on a break in between filming scenes that would allow him to answer.

He had told you in the past that even if he wasn’t able to have his phone with him, it was always nearby. Especially now that you had Sterling, he tried to make himself available no matter how busy his schedule would be for the day. Even if he wasn’t able to answer, he would always make time to call back. 

So when you try 2 times with no success of getting through, you stop. You had both agreed before that 3 calls was your distress signal, and you didn’t want his mind to think the worst when he did see you’d tried to get through to him. A text seems too informal, too little for the man you love and adore. He deserved better than that, better than you, a partner who forgot one of the most important days where he should be made to feel special and loved every second.

It wasn’t like you didn’t know this day was coming, you did, of course you did. Being a new parent had well and truly ruined your memory. Turns out birthing a tiny human requires learning a ton of new information to keep your little one alive, meaning that even almost 3 months later your brain hadn’t been fully restored and you weren’t sure if it ever would be. 

How could you make up for something like this? You suppose you could pretend that it was all a joke; that you’d had this elaborate plan all along to surprise him and make him think that you had forgotten his birthday. But you couldn’t lie to him like that, it would only cause you to hate yourself even more later for covering it up. Plus, Harry knew you too well and would see right through that, and then whatever hurt you’re sure he was feeling now would only grow. 

You know he would eventually forgive you, if he hadn’t already, but that didn’t stop guilt from overriding your thoughts. If anything it made you feel almost worse knowing that he would be so incredibly forgiving.

God, you could only imagine the reaction of the fans if they found out. Some of them already had some questionable opinions about you, a few even going so far as to speculate if Sterling was truly Harry’s child, claiming that you had somehow “trapped” Harry into a relationship with you and that it would eventually fail. Harry had tried to ban you from going too deep, but sometimes your curiosity got the best of you, prompting you to scroll through Twitter or Instagram occasionally. It usually ended with you getting your feelings hurt and Harry having to remind you once again to stay away.

You try to find something in your memory, anything that he may have mentioned wanting (or at this point even needing) over the past few months. Aside from the mundane, everyday things like laundry detergent and shampoo to add to the shopping list, you couldn’t recall a thing. You only had 6 hours before you had to pick up Sterling, so you had to come up with something fast, something amazing.

What do you get for the golden boy who has everything?

You couldn’t believe you didn’t think of it before. It was something you had discovered not long after Sterling’s birth, but like many other things it had gotten easily dismissed and pushed down to the bottom of your list. 

Today, it only takes a few clicks through the website, a double checking of the spelling of the name that will be on the certificate, and a quick selection of a location for where you want it to be for Harry to now be the (hopefully) proud owner of his very own star in the sky.

After all it was Harry who found the name Sterling for your child, it was him who whispered “buonanotte nostra piccola stella” each night as he helped you put Sterling to bed; a phrase he had been most pleased with himself for learning, the Italian to English translation being “goodnight our little star”. If he couldn’t be there to say it, he made sure you knew the proper enunciation of the expression so that you could pass it along from him. It was always followed by 3 kisses to the top of his son’s head.

Thankfully, you were able to use the printer at work to print out the certificate and the map, slipping them both into a manilla envelope and tucking it away in your bag before you clock out for the day. Though you wished you had time to stop and select a nice frame, you only have 30 minutes before having to pick up Sterling, so you opt for a speedy trip to the nearest bakery and grocery store to gather what other supplies you’ll need for the rest of the evening.

By the time you and Sterling make it home, you still haven’t heard anything from Harry. You send up another silent prayer, more for his safety than anything, but also selfishly for yourself and his forgiveness towards you. It wasn’t unusual for you to not hear from him most days, and you remind yourself of his words from that morning about most likely having to work late. 

You push away the guilt that threatens to invade your thoughts again, doing what you need to do for Sterling to keep him content while you start preparations for dinner. Once you have him settled in his swing nearby, you take a moment to scroll through your music selection on your phone, deciding that having something playing in the background would be better than being alone with your thoughts while you work. 

You’ve just washed the veggies to chop for the salad when your phone dings, indicating a new message. You know it’s from Harry, and you’re almost scared to look. Instant relief floods your body when you do have the courage to take a peek: Home in an hour. Love you! Give bub kisses from me xx

The “love you” fills you with overwhelming comfort; takes you back to the day you first met him and how your heart skipped a beat when you realized it was you he was trailing through the crowd of people to approach, a cozy smile plastered on his face. You’ll never forget the gentle way he had spoken and how even though you were surrounded by at least a hundred other people at the party, he didn’t take his eyes off you the whole night. You let out a huge sigh of breath you hadn’t realized you’d been holding in and contemplate the best way to respond, finally concluding that simple was better.

Be careful, baby. Love you more!! Bubs and I miss you

His text gives you more motivation than you already had to power through making his favorite meal for him. An hour is plenty of time to get everything done, so when Sterling gets fussy and wants to be held, you tuck him against your side, doing what you can with one hand while keeping a tight grip on your son. You know he had missed you when he almost instantly relaxes at being close to you, and your heart hurts at the thought of ever being away from him again, even for something important like your job.

It still takes you a minute to get him calm enough to rest his head on your shoulder, so you don’t hear the sound of the door, or the clink of Harry’s keys or the sound of his footsteps falling down the hallway.

“Need some help, lovie?”

His voice, which normally calms you, nearly makes you jump out of your skin. So when you turn and say, “I thought you said an hour!” it comes out more like an attack than grateful to see him again.

“S’what I thought but we rushed through so I could leave earlier. Is that a problem?” His face is unreadable, somewhere between confused and disappointed with your tone.

“No! Of course not, Harry, I just..” That’s when your voice breaks, your guilt and emotions of forgetting his birthday finally being too much to hold back.

“Hey, don’t do that,” He’s moving the rest of the way through the kitchen to you, a hand smoothing a small circle over your back as you try to wipe your tears, “Please don’t cry.”

“I just wanted to have everything ready by the time you got home, to make up for this morning. For forgetting it was your birthday in the first place. I’m so sorry, H.” 

“You’ve got nothin’ to apologize for, angel. You don’t have to make anything up to me. We’ve both been crazy busy lately, I’m surprised I even remembered what day it was. Here, why don’t I put Sterling in his swing and help you finish dinner?”

“No, absolutely not. It’s your birthday and I know you’re tired. Plus, I think he missed us today. You know how much he loves his swing but I didn’t get very much done before he got upset.”

“Alright, well, I’ll take him while you get everything else done. How’s that sound?”

You nod an agreement at his plan, transferring Sterling from your shoulder to his. There’s a few whimpers of disapproval, but he lets out a small sigh of contentment once he realizes it’s Harry who holds him now. Harry turns his head to smack a few kisses to the baby’s cheek to further pacify him. Sterling’s eyes open briefly, gazing sleepily up at his father. 

“Hi, bub, missed you. Let’s go see what kind of trouble we can get into while Mummy makes dinner, huh?” 

“Not too much trouble, boys. It’s almost bedtime,” He winks at you as he turns to leave and you stop him, “Hey, wait, try this. Tell me if it needs anything.”

You stir a spoon through the pasta sauce you’ve had simmering away on the stove, bringing it to his lips with a hand underneath, careful not to drip it down the front of his white button-up or the top of Sterling’s head. He lets you feed him the spoonful, but doesn’t take his eyes off your lips.  Before you even have time to ask him how it is, he’s trapping his mouth against yours, a satisfied hum at the sauce mixing with the taste of you.

“Delicious.” He runs his tongue along his bottom lip, catching a bit of sauce that ended up smudged at the corner of his mouth.

“Really?”

“Really, darling, it’s perfect.” 

At this point it’s obvious he’s not talking about the sauce, and you push yourself up to plant another kiss on his lips.

“Another,” He gently demands, and you oblige, but he doesn’t pull away yet, “C’mon, few more.”

“Looks like Sterling’s not the only needy baby in this house tonight. How many more kisses do you need?”

He smirks down at you, “It’s my 27th birthday, innit? Think I deserve 27 kisses, don’t you?”

You send him away with the promise of fulfilling his request for the rest of his kisses later, finally able to rush through finishing the last of what was needed to complete the meal and call him back to see the table full of everything you’ve prepared. 

Sterling is bright eyed in Harry’s arms again, and you hope that feeding him will lull him back to sleep for the night. With him having to stay with a sitter on the days that you and Harry were both working, you’d recently had to switch to using bottles for some of his meals. The sitter had assured you that he was adjusting to the bottle well when he was with her, but it had been a frustrating transition for you. 

“You’ve just spoiled him to the usual way, love. It’ll get easier. Want me to try?” He holds out his hand, offering to take the bottle and Sterling back, but you refuse. You know Harry’s right, it will get easier eventually, but right now you know he’s just still tired and hungry. So you give in, lifting your shirt and tossing a blanket over him while he eats. 

“Eat so you can blow out your candles and then open your present.”

He sets a plate of food in front of you and passes you a fork so you can eat with your free hand.

His mouth is full of food but his green eyes light up when he looks at you, “I have a present?” 

“Of course you do. It’s your birthday, isn’t it?” 

“Can we skip cake and do the present first?”

You giggle at his excitement, but the truth is you’re nervous. You know he will be nice enough to tell you he loves it, but you also know him well enough to read the truth on his face. 

“Sure, birthday boy, whatever you want.” Sterling’s finished eating by now so you rest him on your shoulder, tapping his back a few times until you hear a small burp. Harry’s plate is mostly empty now, as is yours, so you tuck Sterling into his swing while you go to retrieve the envelope from earlier in the day. Your heart races as you may your way back to where he sits at the table, his eyes covered dramatically as he waits.

“You can open,” You slide the envelope in front of him and prop your chin up on one of your hands as you watch his fingers work to open the clasp. The papers sit upside down on the table and you inhale a deep breath as he flips them over. His face is full of curiosity as his eyes scan the page. 

“Did you..is this real?”

“Well I’m not sure how official it is but, yes, it’s real.” You take the map from behind the certificate and point out the location, “According to this it’s..”

“Is my star right over our house?” His eyes are wide as he studies the coordinates, “Can we go see if we can see it now?”

How can you say no to that? You let him lead you out the back door of your home and out into the cool air of the night. He only lets go of your hand when he reaches the edge of the yard, pointing straight upwards.

“It’s gotta be that big one, right? That mine, right?” You look over his shoulder down at the map and then back up to where he’s pointing.

“Yep, I think that’s the one. Unless..do you have the map upside down?”

“No! Do I?” He squints his eyes, bringing it closer to his face in an attempt to read it in the dark. 

“You definitely did. It’s that one there..to the left of the big one we thought was yours.”

“S’gorgeous, baby,” He tugs your hand until your smushed against his side and he tosses his arm around you, letting out a deep sigh as he continues to stare up at the sky, “Thank you so much.”

“You really like it?” You’ve got both arms wrapped around his middle now, enjoying the feeling of his chest rising and falling.

“I really do, angel. Can’t believe you named a star after me twice.” 

“Twice?” You tilt your head upwards to look at his face.

“Yeah. Twice. That one,” He points up again, “My favorite one though, the greatest gift you will probably ever give me, is probably snoring in his swing right about now.”

As sweet as the moment is, you can’t help but snort out a laugh at that, “If he’s anything like you, he’s definitely snoring right now.”

“Hey, I don’t snore!”

“Oh yes, you do. Feel like I’m sleeping in a cave with a bear sometimes.”

That earns you a big, booming laugh from him, and he pulls you even closer to kiss the top of your head. You turn your body to face him, squeezing him once and kissing his chest through his shirt.

“Happy birthday, Harry.”

“Thank you,” He places his hands on either side of your face, thumbs rubbing along your cheeks, a slow smile sneaking its way across his face, “Can I have the rest of my kisses now?”

The next time Anne and Gemma come to visit, he’s sweeping them down to the end of the hallway leading into your living room, to where he now proudly shows them the framed certificate and map sitting side by side on the wall. Of course they had both already heard about it before. The day after his birthday he had spent 10 minutes on the phone with each of them bragging about it. He’s got Sterling in his arms as he shows it off now. He holds him up next to the two frames.

“How lucky am I, huh? Not every man can say they have two stars named after them, can they?”

thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it!

as always likes, reblogs, replies, and feedback are welcome!

tag list: @1980holland, @summertimestyles, @la-cey, @tbslenthusiast​

make a wish | lucas

title: make a wish pairing: lucas x reader genre: fluff, a little angst request: hiii! can i please request something for wayv lucas where you dont answer his calls or texts for a day because you and the other wayv members were setting up a surprise bday party for him. thank you! word count: 1.7k warnings: hmm none that i can think of... a/n: not sure if i like how this came out, let’s pretend i didn’t post it if it flops 🤡 i felt like this was maybe a little more ~angsty~ than it needed to be altho i wasn’t sure how else to maneuver the surprise bday thing without them blowing the cover lmao...also yea it’s not his bday anymore but life is busy lol

To: Y/N Helloo~~? Y/N, are you ever gonna answer me back?

Seriously, did I do something wrong…

If you’re mad at least tell me why.

Lucas knows you’re not in any kind of danger or distress because he’s seen you be active on your social media accounts, but he can’t understand why you haven’t answered a single one of his calls or texts. Especially since tomorrow is his birthday.

Lucas feels frustrated at not being able to get through to you, and none of the other members seem to know what’s going on even when he asks. They’re close enough to you to have your number and talk to you regularly, but they all claim they haven’t heard anything from you either.

Ten looks up from his phone, seeing Lucas standing in the middle of the room looking bewildered as he stares down at his own phone like it’ll give him an answer. “Maybe Y/N wants a break from you right now,” he suggests, which makes Lucas sweat a bit despite himself. Ten wouldn’t know that. Right? Unless you’d told him something to suggest that.

“Stop trying to destroy happy homes, hyung,” Xiaojun says. “I’m sure it’s not that. Maybe she just needs alone time. Everyone does sometimes.”

“I guess,” Lucas mumbles. But he also knows that you’d usually tell him in advance if that were that case—not just ignore him completely. He thinks about going over to your place to find out what’s going on, but if what Xiaojun said is true, it’d probably be better not to disturb you or make you upset. “Are you sure she hasn’t contacted any of you? You look like you’ve been texting someone all day.”

Lucas tries to lean over Ten and look at his phone screen, but Ten is faster and leaps off the couch and away from him. “Don’t invade my privacy! Stop before you see something you don’t wanna see.”

Xiaojun laughs from where he sits on the ground playing with Bella. “Yeah, remember last time? No one needs a recap of that.” Ten rolls his eyes at that.

Lucas throws himself over the couch where Ten just was, sighing deeply. “Sure, sure. I’ll just suffer here then, lost in the dark without a clue what’s going on...”

Xiaojun brings Bella up to the couch so she can peer up at Lucas with her huge dark eyes, resting her forepaws on his arm. The corner of Lucas’s mouth turns up in a smile and he reaches out to pet her soft furry head. Xiaojun grins when the other man does, and he presses his face into her fur.

“I promise tomorrow will be better. It’s your birthday, after all...just watch.”

Despite Xiaojun’s reassurance, Lucas feels even more uncertain when he wakes up the day of his birthday, especially when he has no idea what the day has in store.

The other WayV members had all left the dorm early in the morning with the reasoning that they had individual schedules or needed to run urgent errands. Though they gave him their birthday wishes and said they’d come back as soon as possible so they could all celebrate, Lucas was more than a little disappointed about being left alone on his birthday. At least he had the pets to keep him company...and the manager and dorm auntie. Although they were nice to have around, they weren’t exactly who he was expecting to spend the day with.

He spends a while throwing toys around for the cats and Bella to play fetch with as he lies on his stomach on the floor, his phone a few feet away from him in case someone decides to call. Maybe someone like you.

Lucas tries a few more times to get in touch with you and still can’t get through, which makes him even more stressed than he was yesterday. Maybe the situation is something more serious than he initially thought? But still, you retweeted a couple things on Twitter just that morning, so it can’t be anything dire or life-threatening.

Lucas tries not to let his feelings bleed into bitterness, though he thinks you’ve picked a fine time to suddenly want to be isolated from everyone else.

A couple hours pass, but the time seems to go even slower than humanly possible. When even the pets become tired of the games and decide to wander off or take a nap, Lucas finally decides to just get dressed and go find something to do on his own for today; he doesn’t know what just yet, but there must be something to do. Just as he’s leaving the dorm, something happens that he previously thought was impossible; he gets a text from you.

From: Y/N Yukhei!! Can you come over?

To: Y/N ?? After ignoring me for a day and a half?

From: Y/N Please. It’s important.

I promise I will make it up to you, but you have to come over right noww 🥺

To: Y/N 😪 Fine, I’ll come over

Lucas makes it over to your place not too long after he finishes texting you. He’s not sure what to expect or what you’ll have to say to him once you see each other—or what he’ll say to you. His interest is piqued even more when he gets a text from you as he’s making his way up the stairs to your apartment.

From: Y/N Just come on in, the door’s unlocked. I’m a lil busy so I can’t get it myself!!

“Busy with what?” Lucas says to himself out loud. Now more curious than he was before, he continues up the stairs until he’s at your door. When he pushes it open, he’s taken aback by the sight of you and the other WayV members standing in front of the entryway.

You’re standing in the middle of them all, holding a cake with lit candles on it and smiling widely at your shocked boyfriend. “Surprise!” you and the other men exclaim all at once. “Happy birthday, Yukhei!!”

Lucas freezes in the doorway with a growing smile on his face, looking at all of you—and your surroundings—incredulously. Your apartment has been done up rather extensively with birthday banners, balloons, streamers, and every other kind of decoration you’d expect to see at a birthday celebration. 

You all sing happy birthday to him then, and he watches you and his friends with his eyes sparkling with delight and a bashful smile on his face.

“Wait...is this why you wouldn’t answer me back?” A laugh slips out of him as he covers his mouth, and he feels a bit silly, like maybe he should’ve seen something like this coming. Obviously, you’d never freeze him out on a day like this without a really good reason for it. “Y/N, you did all this for me?”

“Of course! I mean, the guys helped with decorating and setting everything else up ‘cause it was hard to do all that and bake a cake—but you know what I mean.”

Lucas leaves the entryway and steps forward now, still grinning widely. “Wah, you guys told me you didn’t know anything!”

“It wouldn’t be a surprise anymore if we told you.” Hendery laughs.

“Sorry we kept you in the dark for so long, hyung,” Yangyang chimes in, “but as you can see, we did a really good job putting everything together. So it paid off!”

“Now, blow out your candles,” you tell Lucas, bringing the cake forward.

Lucas shakes his head in happy disbelief as he looks down at your creation and chuckles to himself. “You must’ve really worked hard on this...I know baking isn’t your favorite thing to do.”

You laugh sheepishly. “Yeah, well, it took a few failed attempts to get this result, that’s for sure.”

Lucas thinks to himself for a moment, then closes his eyes and blows out the candles. Everyone claps and cheers after he does, and his answering grin is possibly the sweetest thing you’ve seen all day.

Sicheng grins mischievously and suddenly breaks up the moment by saying, “Now, can we eat?”

The rest of the day is spent with you all talking about any and everything, playing games, and watching movies, which eventually ends up with everyone falling asleep in various spots of your living room. You and Lucas got the honor of taking the couch, with Kun squeezed in beside Lucas and currently knocked out, head leaning against the back of the couch.

You and Lucas are the only ones still awake, although it probably won’t be long before you’re off to dreamland too. You can feel yourself getting sleepier, though you try your best to stay conscious. Lucas glances down at you where your body rests in his arms, and he grins to himself, placing his lips on the top of your head for a gentle kiss.

“I want us to stay like this forever, you know. Just the two of us,” he whispers close to your ear.

“Me too…” you murmur, already half-asleep against his chest despite your best efforts.

“It’s what I wished for.”

You perk up a little at that and swat at his arm where it’s wrapped around you. “Noo, don’t tell me or it won’t come true!”

Lucas giggles, and his laughter makes your body shake.

“You don’t have to worry about that when it’s already fated.”

BNHA Chapter 309 Spoiler Thoughts: Izuku and Inko Midoriya, and Some More Things Along The Way

The chapter leaks are here again!  Thanks to all the people on Twitter and here on Tumblr for providing us with scans and translations.  This chapter helps explain some things that a lot of us were wondering about.  Sadly, there’s still no Bakugo, or Shoto, or any other UA kids really; they’re only in flashbacks.  But, we do get to see what All Might and the Top 3 Heroes (Endeavor, Hawks, and Best Jeanist) are up to, so that’s something.  Anyway, remember to take what I say with a grain of salt until the official translations come out on Sunday:

The chapter starts a few minutes after Deku beat Muscular.  He’s flying through the air taking an unconscious Muscular tied up in his Black Whip.  The other Ketsubusu Academy students from the Lisence Exam see him too.  Thankfully the stubborn civilians from 2 chapters ago are willing to help Yo Shindo recover in exchange for not listening moving to the school shelters.  Also, Shindo’s barely conscious, but he does actually remember Deku.  He’s just not the same Deku as before.  Not much for me to say here except that I wonder if Shindo’s going to help spread the word about Deku’s actions.  Not just to his classmates, but I wonder if the words’ going to get out to the news and UA.  Actually, word might not even get that far since Shindo was only one of the few people in that exam that really even interacted with Deku...

Deku hands Muscular over to the police for them to take care off.  He also makes sure to cover himself up in Smokescreen to hide his identity.  So, Deku really is working in the shadows here.  It is best that the public doesn’t know what Deku is doing so that the LoV don’t track him down.  My man’s really going down the Batman route.  Oh, I also have to admire Deku’s smartphone here kept in this steel case.  I was going to say it’s a burner phone, but burner phones break easily for a reason and this one clearly doesn’t.  Maybe it’s a special one that can’t be tracked down.    

And we finally get to see All Might again!  He is actively working with Deku instead of just not knowing where his protege is.  He’s wearing casual clothes (jacket, jeans, sunglasses, the works) when he meets up with Deku in an alleyway.  I’m honestly glad that All Might is still supervising Deku.  I mean, Deku on his own would’ve been badass, but when you’re going up against people like AFO and Shigaraki, you’re going to need some help.  Especially when laying low.  Even with supervision, I still think Deku counts as a vigilante b/c I don’t think his license works if he’s not at UA.  I will believe this unless proven otherwise.  

It’s explained that the “wrapping” on Deku’s arms are actually gauntlets called “Mid-Gauntlets”, which are what are helping hold Deku’s arms together.  And they are VERY similar to the gauntlets that Melissa Shield from Two Heroes gave Deku.  Deku even says that All Might ordered them from the USA before travel restrictions were put in place.  I know that it’s only implied, but there’s no doubt in my mind that Deku’s new gauntlets were made by Melissa.  Even if you want to doubt it, at this point, Two Heroes (and by extension Heroes Rising and probably the upcoming 3rd movie, World Heroes Mission) are canon.  Honestly, I’m cool with it.  I liked Melissa and I’m glad her presence is still around (she was even in a Team-Up Mission chapter with Hatsume).  I do wonder if we’re ever going to see her in the main story.  It would be nice to see Melissa again.

The gauntlets are test samples and are used to enhance endurance.  All Might says that they can’t withstand 100% of OFA yet.  Which means that Deku actually beat Muscular with less than 100% unlike their first fight where Deku had to use over 100% just to knock him out.  So, does this mean that, say, Deku’s current 45% is stronger than his 100+% back in the Forest Camp?  Or maybe it was just the combo of moves and strategy rather then Deku just punching his way through things.

Small detail, but All Might’s phone goes off with that “I AM HERE” ringtone we heard before and Deku comments that this particular one is from All Might’s Silver Age TV Special!  It’s such a small thing, but I love that Deku still has that All Might fanboy in him despite everything 💚!  Somethings truly never change.

And back to the Top 3: Endeavor, Hawks, and Best Jeanist!  Endeavor and Best Jeanist are teaming up to kick a villain’s ass while Hawks is talking to All Might on the phone.  It looks like Hawks got a few costume changes particularly his visor/glasses which look more boxy than they did before if that makes sense.  Oh, and they’re also helping All Might work with Deku.  Makes sense since all three vowed to help take down Dabi earlier and Shigaraki and AFO definitely extend from that.

Deku’s Danger Sense is going off, so he’s probably going to check out any danger he can find in case it’s the LoV.  I do wonder if that harms Deku still.  It was said that it felt like a stabbing in his head and it must’ve been bad enough for the 4th OFA Holder to live in the forest away from society.  Man, I really hope our boy is ok (I know he’s not really, let me have this).

But yeah, Hawks (still wingless, but with a nice little undercut btw😳) explains that Deku's afraid of dragging other people in his battles like All Might.  Hawks also goes on to say that it’s best to take the initiative in taking down AFO and Shigaraki rather than waiting for them to appear all powered up.  He also wants All Might to keep supporting him despite the difficult position he’s in (remember that All Might’s technically Qurikless again and can’t really fight on his own).  It makes sense for them to go after the Villains again while they can.  If Deku fought Shigaraki while Shigaraki was at full strength, Deku would lose easily.  Even at 75%, Shigaraki was able to kill and injure A LOT of people, and Deku was lucky to even make it out there alive.  They need to find Shigaraki SOON!  

Flashback to Central Hospital before Deku jumped UA ship!  Recover Girl and Central Hospital’s high-tech were responsible for many of the patience recovering quickly and being discarged.  Deku was just there a little longer than the others.  So, we can assume that all our UA kids and some notable heroes made it out alive after being treated.  Still don’t know what happened to some people like Tamaki and Fat Gum tho 😭.  

All Might and Deku’s mom, Inko (thank god she’s ok), are by Deku’s bedside as his casts are taken off.  Deku’s doctor (who looks like Super Mario/Luigi; the whole Super Mario crew must run this damn place.  Where’s Bowser and Princess Peach) explains that despite his former warnings about his ligaments, Deku’s limbs are still functioning because he’s not the same as he was before.  So, before, Deku’s injuries were like his limbs were exploding from the inside, but this time those “explosions” were able to escape his body.  Also his Black Whip cast helped keep Deku’s arm in tact so that he wouldn’t pulverize himself.  His ligimates are still degrading too, so Deku still has to be careful.  I think he might have a few more small scars too, but that could just be shadows or muscle lining from Horikoshi’s pen-work.  

Ok, honestly, I’m not sure how this logically works...  I’m no medical professional, but I assume this means that Deku’s built his body up so much that it’s naturally able to withstand more damage than before and that’s why he’s more durable.  But, I don’t know how Deku was able to let the “explosions” escape this time.  I get the reverse; I get how he got injured before, but I don’t get this.  Was it the Black Whip brace he made for himself?  I honestly don’t really understand this.  Maybe the official translations will clear this up.  Or Horikoshi will in a Tweet or Volume Extra.

And Inko is finally informed of OFA thank the gods!  She was in the top of my list of “People who should really, really know OFA and what’s going on with Deku because I swear...”.  She’s clearly shaken up as anyone would be, but I’m glad she at least knows what’s going on with her son.  Yes, she’s still worried, but at least she can stop guessing why all this is happening.  

Deku announces the reason why he won’t go back to UA and it’s basically that Shigaraki can sense where Deku is and he doesn’t want to see anyone else close to him get hurt and/or die.  So, basically what I thought would be the reason.  Absolutely no surprise there.  But, going after Shigaraki and AFO first was originally Deku’s idea, so that’s something new.  Kid’s bold.

And this broke my heart 💔!  Inko insists that Deku stay with her to stay safe, but Deku knows what he has to do.  So, he thanks his mom, thanks her for making him happy, and tells her that he’ll be ok and that he’ll come back home with a somber smile on his face.  We see a flashback to Little Deku and Inko too when they were happier.  Bro, I don’t even know what to say.  I am in tears just writing this 😭  I’ll just post these two panels so y’all can cry with me.  I will never recover from this.  I’m fucking devastated.  You better come home, Deku: 

*sniffs* All Might remembers what he said to Inko.  He remembers how he said that he will protect Deku with his life.  All Might encourages Deku to go and he says that he’ll go with him with tears in his eyes.  He asks the Top 3 to help with this mission (finding Dabi) as their own mission coincides with Deku’s (finding Shigaraki and AFO).  I’m so glad all these adults are staying by Deku’s side throughout this.  It’s good to know that Deku still has support, though I wish it were from some of his friends too.  Maybe one day.

Deku goes to see Grand Torino in his hospital room to talk to him about OFA.  He mentions his friend and 7th Holder Nana Shimura.  Torino thinks he was responsible for killing Shigaraki (he really wasn’t let's be real).  He also tells Deku that Deku shouldn’t be so persistent in saving Shigaraki as killing can sometimes lead to salvation. Ok, few things:

1. I am surprised Grand Tarino is still alive.  I mean, we don’t know what happened to him after this talk, but at least he got to hear from Deku again.  It’s kind of nice to know that Tarino willingly passed down his cape to Deku too instead of Deku just taking it after his death.  Also, I’ve been watching some of Jujutsu Kaisen like everyone else has and this give me some Yuji & his grandfather vibes to it.  Knowing what happens there and that JJK’s magaka is good friends with Horikoshi, I have a sinking feeling I know what happened after this talk...

2. Deku looks so much older here.  Like, it’s not that cute, innocent baby face we knew at the beginning.  I don’t even know what it is exactly (maybe the eyes), but he just looks more mature here.  Also, his uniform some buttons down looks really good on him, I’m sorry but I need to mention that too 💚.

3. “Killing is a means towards salvation”.  Oh, boy...  I mean, I get it.  Some people just can’t be saved or captured in hopes of rehabilitation/redemption.  Sometimes killing people is necessary to save others.  But, Deku is not a killer.  He will try to save Shigaraki no matter what.  That was established again last chapter.   He tried to save Muscular for god’s sake.  But, I am curious if Gran Tarino’s words are going to hold any weight in the final fight. Like, will Deku have to kill Shigaraki?  What will that do to Deku as a person?  I’m really curious if Horikoshi is going to make Deku do this.

And finally, there’s a page showing off the Top 3, Deku, and All Might team up with the resolve to beat the LoV.  I am really interested to see where this goes.  Deku is working with the big Pro Heroes instead of his classmates/friends.  This hasn’t really happened before.  I also wonder if Shoto and Bakugo know what Deku’s doing then.  Because Shoto’s going to help Endeavor and his family find Dabi.  Endeavor’s activley helping Deku.  Also, Endeavor and Best Jeanist are both Bakugo’s mentors.  All Might too actually.  Look, maybe I’m making excuses to see my Origin Trio together again, but I do have to wonder if Shoto and Bakugo are involved somehow.

Welp, that’s it.  This chapter was a rollercoaster!  I was excited, I was confused, I was worried, I cried my eyes out at one point because THOSE TWO PANELS I CANNOT 💔😭!  I’m honestly just waiting for Horokishi to drop some major time-skip on us at some point.  I don’t want him to, but I won’t be entirely surprised if he does.  The end of this chapter is a good place to end if Horikoshi wants to segway into something else like, oh IDK, THE UA KIDS LET ME SEE THEM AGAIN HORIKOSHI PLS I’M BEGGING 💸  

Me @ Horikoshi almost every week:

a messy explanation of things and unnecessary information about life lately

soooo... right. i’m sorry i haven’t really been around aside from popping in here and there, and that i’ve been taking longer than usual to reply to things / not replying to things at all. it’s NOT that i’m upset with anyone or trying to ignore / avoid anyone, and it’s not that i don’t care / don’t love talking to you (whomstever you may be) i love chatting with y’all and wish i could get myself to reply to things quicker but i do not control the me lmfao honestly my sleep has never had a schedule but in recent weeks it’s kinda been operating like there’s a lil gremlin in my head who spins a wheel and picks my sleeping times at random - and it’s either like.. two hours or most of a day. there hasn’t been a lot of in between so that’s a thing!!

also in a fun added mix of maybe sleep?, missing meds, being stuck in the house more often than not, and the FUCKING EVERYTHING happening in the world right now my mental health is... probably run by the same goblin that runs my sleep schedule lmao consistency whomst?? since the lockdown started the depression has of course been around more but actually, worse than that, is how my anxiety - and by extension: my ocd - have really amped up and i need y’all to know that the struggle is painfully real (and another thing that affects shit like my replies and writing. reading as well. fics have been kinda stressful and that should be illegal. who authorized this?) i don’t hate talking about it but i don’t really like it either?? especially like.. in depth. but i will say there has been crying, screaming, pain!, and i’ve acquired a few physical injuries.

so

yeah

on a personal level - a ‘just me’ level - shit is an even bigger mess than usual lmao but all these things will get better eventually - they always do. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

NOW

ON A PERSONAL LEVEL - THE FULL LEVEL - THINGS.... are pretty great actually! i mean aside from the state of my fucking house e__e but Josh has been working from home for two (2) months now and it’s been really nice - people complaining about their partners being home?? can’t relate. yknow what?? i just might love that tall bastard even more from all this.fuck all y’all miserable fucks

we’ve been going out for drives and we’ve gone fishing and the only place i’ve gone too that’s re-opened is goodwill. because i require.. the shop. they do have a masks required rule! (at least at the one here) and, alongside that, the places we’ve gone that never closed (like grocery stores and the gas station and the hardware store) have social distancing rules and stuff in place which i love. can we keep social distancing after this is all over?? more things here in wisconsin are opening up and we might go to some. idk though. we also might not. either way its still a weird kind of exciting to see things opening back up?? even though i do think we’re not totally in the clear because most of our gov. sucks (our mayor tried to extend our stay-at-home order - keyword there is TRIED. we are the land of cheese, cows, and no fucking braincells for anyone) 

having pets is obviously not a new thing for me but it’s still a thing. so it takes time and effort and energy and patience and love and a certain disregard for your own safety (claws. they really be as sharp as you think) so... it can be stressful, especially cuz we’ve had to keep them inside more as it gets hot out and something keeps breaking our porch screens (our cats are allowed onto our screened in porch or they can go out in a harness but we will never let them run free outside. fuck that noise)  my bbies are all so cute and their personalities and idiosyncrasies are just... *chefs kiss* i love em and they’re definitely a part of what has made quarantine better

i’ve seen my mom a few times, like for my birthday and when she needed help moving Isaiah from one dorm to another and such, but that’s primarily been an option because she has become anti-mask and anti-stay-at-home-order. initially she wasn’t - she gave Isaiah and i fun lil masks since at that time trying to buy them would be impossible and she thought nothing of staying home - but i guess either as its dragged on or as she’s consumed her middle-right wing news that changed s o. she does take social distancing in public very seriously though, so at least there’s that. our favorite coffee shop, where we - pre-lockdown - always went one (1) or two (2) times a week to do art for hours re-opens on monday and that’s one of the few things i’ve truly missed.

josh’s camping trip for this weekend with his friends had to be cancelled because the parks weren’t going to open in time. so today they’re going somewhere to do at least some of the things they would have done if they had gone camping. bikes, bonfires, and cigars. i’m kinda jealous negl but he was really excited about it so mostly i’m happy

trying to figure out how human services was running things during lockdown was rough but thankfully it didn’t take much to get it sorted. mostly because my mom made the phone call i was supposed to lol (the phone anxiety is on its own level) so wednesday afternoon my mom sat with me while i had the appointment with my psychiatrist over speakerphone (which was.. an experience)

ummm.....

OH YEAH! Probably absolutely my favorite thing that’s happened is: WE’RE STARTING THE SEARCH FOR A NEW HOUSE!!!! it doesn’t mean we’re gonna be moving soon or anything, we don’t want to make the same mistake twice (buying the first house you tour that you love) because while it is a great house ultimately it is way too small for us. i mean there’s me and josh, all six cats, and ALL OUR SHIT. listen: i have an entire room dedicated to my various hobbies. and a walk in closet that isn’t big enough. and we both have collections we love and want to display (right now upstairs its hello kitty and downstairs its astronomy and the titanic. and then there’s pop figures, mtg, collectibles, our bottle collection and various knickknacks, etc.) plus all our books! then furniture and cat furniture (i.e towers) and all their shit because they are spoiled babies. and god forbid we ever have a human kid?? yeah. it’s just not big enough. 

so we’re gonna take more time with this choice but what we do know is:: we wanna live out in the country (i’m paranoid and don’t like to be looked at and he loves the outdoors, lived on a farm for awhile. i also enjoy the outdoors but mostly since we moved into this house i’ve struggled with doing anything outside... while we only have one neighbor on our road. but there’s one across the road and one at the other side of our backyard and that’s just too much lol) 

lets see.. um.... my birthday was may 2nd and that was pretty nice, for a pandemic birthday. there’s been a lot of stuff happening involving josh’s family but that’s not something i really wanna get into on here, tho i will say things have been better in recent weeks and it’s been... really nice. josh and i went to his mom’s house the other night and got drunk with her for fun and i actually had a really good time?? and didn’t complain about going?? that’s kinda unheard of.

i don’t have a job anymore - haven’t since early march-ish - and it kinda sucks but also the universe really did me a solid because my choices were either allow myself to work until i have a mental break again or quit. and i was leaning towards quitting (things had been going down hill with the owner and other employees and just the business as a whole for awhile and there’s a limit to the amount of bullshit i can take thanks) but now it doesn’t seem i have to. why do i think i’m jobless? i was barely working anyway, bc of the snow business was slow, and in march i got really sick and stayed home for a week. the day i was supposed to go back i was still sick, and covid19 was starting to become more of a serious situation everywhere, so josh called in for me and explained that between still being sick and my anxiety over covid (asthma + a not so great immune system) i wasn’t going in that day. i never heard from them again. so. 

but it’s all good - there are some options but i’m not looking into them seriously until it’s safe to.

SO

THAT’S ALL OF FUCKING THAT ON THAT

i felt it wouldn’t be a bad idea to come on here and explain A. what’s been going on and B. where i’ve been and C. that if i haven’t responded to you or acknowledged something you sent me / tagged me in it’s literally just because i either forgot to (for all reasons and none) or i don’t have the mental space / energy to. but that doesn’t mean you have to stop talking to me! even if i don’t respond or respond immediately i do read everything and i would die for any one of you fuckers (especially my clowns and the tom hardy movie) 

oh! and just btw - sometimes i don’t get notifications (quelle surprise) tumblr and skype should really pair up and talk about their truly great systems that function so well /s 8| ANYWAY: the best and most reliable ways to get my attention are twitter ( @/mieczyhale) and discord (same name) because i have yet to see their notifications fail. ahem.

i feel like i’m missing things / forgetting things but honestly this post is long enough and also enough of a rambley mess that i’m just gonna try and ignore that feeling and carry on with my goddamn day so i might actually accomplish something. sorry if there’s spelling off or missing words. i’m not taking the time to re-read this and might even delete it bc it’s already giving me anxiety bUT WE’LL SEE ALRIGHT HI AND BYE I LOVE YOU GUYS <3

Television ships

So I'm wading in again into those murky waters and TV ships, plus when fans go too far on hate, particularly towards opposing fans or the actors/actresses in the roles.

The longer a show (or movie franchise) runs, the chances that a fan fight breaking out increase.

Every long standing fandoms over more years than I care to think about, in which I’ve been invested, had its ups and downs. 

The earlier ones (as my age dictates), weren’t fought online, but via the printed word or face to face. 

Hell yes, I’m that old. 

Anyway - years ago, this all was from media articles, monthly newsletters sent via snail mail, to fan clubs (often fan clubs with no formal running beyond an occasional meet up in a pub locally), and phone calls that were via landlines that were fixtures you were stuck with in one spot and couldn’t move beyond the cord length! So in other words, from nineteen hundred and frozen to death and the Stone Age of fandom. 

Occasionally it could get heated at the pub where a fan meeting might’ve been arranged, and a few drinks imbibed. I don’t ever remember fisticuffs being thrown, but raised voices weren’t an uncommon sight. 

Sadly today more hate towards cast on Supergirl went out. That people simply seem unable to recognise or understand that just because someone plays a certain role, it absolutely gives no-one the right to attack them personally over it. It is vile.

How does the love at the heart of fandom become something so caustic? 

It’s usually a ton of different reasons, but leaving out the full whys and wherefores this could happen, when new cast and storylines appear - especially when older cast or storylines have been dropped - it fractures the cracking even more between fans. 

Faint lines become cracks. Cracks become chasms.

The new versions of what’s on screen can often seem to be nothing more than attacks on what or who came before them, so by extension, is an attack on the fans who loved them. 

An actor or actress might get asked a question asking them about a specific aspect of their character and possibly those around them. They have the right to respond on how they might see something occurring. That doesn't mean it would happen or is planned.

If they're being asked in regards a known aspect of their role, again it isn't on them if you don't agree. They are merely playing that part.

This is on the show as a whole.

Note I say the show - this is an important distinction. 

If things do change that you don't agree with, don't attack those involved or even other fans (as often also starts to occur), if you disagree with something so much.

However, even previously staunch fans might well now watch for completely different reasons to what drew them into the show to begin with. 

It doesn’t mean there are other staunch fans who should move on or agree with a direction a show might take. You are just as valid in what you want. 

These two points of view are equally authentic. 

In regards LGBTQ+ representation; as difficult as it is to palate for a lot of people, there are also other reasons why those aspects might shift, or not emerge at all, regardless of how much fan support there might be.

We’ve (husband & myself) been around long enough to know what poor and good representation looks like. Heck, good representation is still nigh on impossible to find.  

But consider this. 

Representation is also more than just one group and there are some (like transgender people or gay men or POC) who’ve had even less. They deserve more, and sometimes that starting point is horribly bad. By horribly bad, I mean nothing has come before them.

We’ve also been around long enough to know it isn’t black and white. It isn’t linear.

Just like coming out, you constantly have to do it. That sometimes means taking what is the worst outcome, but using it to steadily push for the better ones. It sometimes means you might have to take that step backwards to move forwards. 

It can also feel unsavoury to do that. 

It is an exhausting situation, to constantly push for better representation. 

This is a process. Occasionally that process will force steps back - but as long as the overall push forward is bigger than that, it will carry on. 

So take on board what others see as great or groundbreaking representation. As in the case of Nicole Maines.

We were at the one fan meet and greet with Nicole, and it was pleasing to hear how much she talks with those producing the storylines, how they also talk to GLAAD. 

There is a lot that resonates for us in Nia’s story as a transgender woman. A lot my husband wishes he could’ve seen as a child growing up, not in his early 50’s. 

Think about that. 

For all the complaints might be that there isn’t good enough representation, it’s taken until someone is in their 50’s to get even a fraction of what you might have seen. 

At the end of this, if you don’t agree, and your opinion makes you say something that is intentionally hurtful (directly or indirectly to a person or group of people), it's a bad thing.

If you read comments, and immediately believe it’s an attack on you and your love for something or someone, when there is absolutely nothing to hint otherwise, even if you believe wholeheartedly it’s an attack - for a good example Twitter - and subtext or subtweeting, when in truth on any other given day it could merely be nothing more than a generic comment. 

If you always feel targeted, if you always look at the worst outcome or reasons behind things, it’s leads to those feelings becoming your normal. 

So - Distrust, feeling targeted. In themselves, they are something everyone feels at some stage. If though it’s a constant state for you - that is not normal. 

Also make sure when you do read something, you are reading it correctly. 

Too many have jumped on a poster over a post or comment, and are twisting or misrepresenting what was said.

Be absolutely sure you’re not putting your own bias into things, when if you read more carefully you’d see it wasn’t what was said at all. 

It’s why I also try to never respond to anything as a knee jerk reaction, because I always try to be sure that a) I’m reading something accurately, and b) my own bias isn’t tainting what I might perceive or how I might reply.

I’m also always open to talk to someone calmly, and I will always listen to differing points of view. 

That doesn’t mean I will accept being dictated to. 

If anything, I always ask does this need to be replied or spoken about at all? 

Stop.

Pause.

Ask yourself these things.

We all have a duty of how we behave.

It is not cool or clever to be vicious over it, if you decide on all out attack, in the words of Chyler; it makes you a jerk! 

Scroll past the posts. Do not engage. Do not be that jerk. 

Misgendering, or in the case of my husband, misgendering and being talked about as ‘that thing’ is transphobic. Azie has faced similar language or attacks that have been outright racist in nature. Nicole has faced transphobic abuse constantly online. If you agree with anyone who posts those things, or are someone who posts them, that doesn’t put you in the jerk territory, but the utter asshole territory. This is the one area of intolerance I have with people. Bigotry of any kind is deplorable. 

Be ready to back up stuff with proof if you can. Don’t just repeat others, rinse and repeat. Know what you say is true, and accept you might be asked to prove it - and if you can show that proof, do so. Don’t be offended if you are asked. Not everyone will have witnessed events as they happen. 

People don’t always think to grab a screencap of things when emotions run high, and sometimes tweets get deleted for various reasons. That doesn’t mean it’s demonstratively untrue - but be aware you should always try to discuss with accuracy. 

Finally for this post at least.

Try to be more kind.

Try to accept we are all different and we all have differing journeys. 

Try not to hate.

Don’t be that asshole.

ENC 1102 Final Project

For my final project in my Introduction to Inquiry Based Research course, I am writing a blog post about the research I conducted this Spring 2020 semester. It’s school related so I’m posting it here! This is going to be a long one so grab a cup of tea or a plate of fruits and vegetables and strap in.

TW: brief discussion of body image, mental health, addiction

Social Media: The Effects of Growing Up Online, and How We Can Use it for the Better

Introduction

I used to struggle with self control when it came to being on social media. Social media blew up and became a huge thing for seemingly everyone to have right about when I was growing up and going through the critical developmental stages of adolescence. Myspace was just before my time, it had left its glory days before I had any social media. But then came Facebook. And then Instagram. And Vine, Snapchat, Twitter, etc. My generation was the first to experience having social media from a young age and all the way through our teenage years, and then finally reaching adulthood. I never had anything like social media before. I barely had a phone and any contacts to message before switching to a smartphone and then having social media accounts, and I think that contributed to me not knowing what healthy limits were. 

It came and went in phases. There would be a period of time where I would unintentionally spend hours on my phone every day, just scrolling through Instagram. I wasn’t using it in a meaningful way, like connecting with friends and family, I was just scrolling. Mindlessly, endlessly.

I realized at some point, probably in my early years of high school, that this was an issue. It wasn’t horrible, but I still was spending more time than I wanted on my phone, and throughout the years, I have become better at being mindful with how I consume and use social media, and I have noticed that I have become so much more present in general. I don’t know if this was directly because of the healthier relationship with social media I have now, or if it was just coincidence in timing. I was lucky that I wasn’t too negatively affected by social media, but many people have raised concerns on how it may affect our mental health, and I decided to look into it more and see if I could help even just one person with this.

Mental Health: Social Media as a Stressor

Social media platforms were created to connect us with our friends and family. That’s the “social” part of it. However, social media has become a place where people typically showcase the best parts of their lives. Some call this the “highlight reel” on social media. These snapshots of fleeting moments in our busy lives only show the internet what we want it to show. I am aware that there are exceptions though, such as spam accounts where people share their more vulnerable moments with a private following of their close friends and sometimes family, or social media personalities such as Trisha Paytas who share many vulnerable, not so picture-perfect moments publicly, but the average user doesn’t tell their friends and followers everything that’s going on behind the scenes. Therefore, the majority of posts don’t accurately portray our lives. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing - we all need boundaries and privacy - however, this can sometimes make users feel as if they aren’t enough, or that they aren’t doing enough.

Humans have a habit of social comparison. We do it naturally because it’s a way for us to “estimate one’s past and present social standings” as Tahir M. Nisar, an associate professor at the University of Southampton, wrote. Many people compare their own lives to the lives of others as a means to evaluate themselves and to measure whether they’re doing well or not (Nisar 55). This has been a generally known fact for a while, but when I conducted my own research via online survey, I asked the participants if they ever found themselves comparing themselves or their lives to those of others they see online, and 47.9% of them said “yes, often”, while 43.8% said “sometimes”, and a mere 8.3% said “no, never”. Comparing yourself to others is natural, and it isn’t always a bad thing, but for some it can become a dangerous rabbit hole.

Jeff Cain, an associate professor at the University of Kentucky, wrote that these comparisons “often result in envy, depression, reduced happiness, etc. because they perceive others’ lives more favorable than their own.”  I’m sure most of us have experienced this at least once before where we wish our lives were more like someone else’s without even realizing it. It can be a hard thing to not do! The problem here is that that can lead to us setting unrealistic expectations for ourselves, and then us being too hard on ourselves when we don’t reach that level. 

Some of the unrealistic expectations we may place for ourselves can be physical appearance. 8.3% of the participants in my survey said they often photoshop their appearance for social media, 10.4% said they sometimes do, 10.4% said they do but only rarely. This is one thing that needs to change.

A good sign is the rest (70.9%) said they never photoshop themselves. In recent years, body positivity has grown and become a more developed movement, leading the online community in a more positive direction. This is a great use of social media, using platforms to share positive, helpful messages to bring together a community and to spread awareness and knowledge of a particular topic.

Coping: Social Media Used as a Distraction

When I conducted my research, I asked the participants what the main reasons/purposes were that they used social media for, and the majority of them said something along the lines of “to connect with friends and family”, and many said they used it to pass the time, to stave off boredom. Sometimes, users will go on social media to distract themselves from negative emotions such as sadness, loneliness, anxiety, stress, etc. Although not a permanent solution, it’s a temporary relief, and this can be helpful. Sometimes, social media can be a distraction from important things though. I know I definitely get distracted from studying or doing homework by checking social media. I’ve already done it once while writing this, yikes. But don’t worry, it’s not all bad!

Ahmad Mushtaq, an academic Vice Chancellor at Alberoni University, and Abdelmadjid Benraghda, a professor at Universiti Malaysia Pahang, found that students mostly used social media to “improve their knowledge and information.” They found that social media was actually a useful tool in education, because it allowed students to find information easily and connect with peers and instructors.

In my research I asked if participants find that they get distracted by their phone and go on social media while doing tasks such as homework or watching movies, and a whopping 77.1% said “yes, often” while the remaining 22.9% said “sometimes”. No one said “no, never”. This may be connected to how many people find it difficult to focus. Using apps that don’t allow you to check your phone for a period of time can help reduce the amount of times we get distracted by social media. One of my favorites is an app called Flora, where you can grow a little tree for staying off of your phone for the chosen amount of time.

Addiction: Excessive Social Media Usage & Reliance

When we think of addiction, we often think of substance abuse, but it can also happen in areas such as social media usage. Within the millennial generation, substance abuse has actually decreased, but smartphone use has increased and continues to do so. Researchers believe that “those susceptible to addiction have simply shifted to a new drug: smartphones” (Cain 739). Cain also writes about how “neuroimaging studies show that Internet addiction...shows similar increases in activity in brain regions associated with substance-related addictions”. Several studies have indicated that as levels of depression and anxiety of an individual increase, they become more inclined towards social media addiction (Simsek 115). One study showed results of a “positive relationship between social anxiety and social media addiction” (Baltaci 78). Although my study was not nearly extensive enough to determine if any of my participants suffer from social media addiction, I did find that the majority of them spent 3 or more hours on social media a day. In fact, four of those participants responded that they spend 9 or more hours on social media a day.

One thing that many users have experienced is FOMO (the fear of missing out). I have experienced this myself, especially in middle school and early high school. A user who experiences FOMO may feel that if they don’t check their phone, they might miss out on conversations, like in group chats, or things like recent events, opportunities, etc., so it may cause them stress or anxiety if they don’t regularly go on social media. On the other hand, some people get stressed/upset when they do go on social media, because they see photos or posts in general from an event or get-together that they either weren’t invited to or couldn’t make it to. Because of these negative feelings related to social media, FOMO has been associated with unhealthy smartphone use (Cain 739).

That was a lot, so what do we do?

Ok, so I know that was a lot of information, probably too much for a blog post on tumblr, but since I wrote all that out anyway, what do we do with it?

Although there were many negative responses indicating that certain uses of social media had harmful effects on mental health, including studies and results that I didn’t mention, there were also results that showed that many people felt indifferent with social media, and it was sometimes even beneficial (such as the academic use of it). 

Those who spent longer amounts of time on social media tended to also feel more negatively when using it, and felt better when they used it less, so I would recommend monitoring your usage time and being careful of spending too much time on it. “Too much time” is very subjective though, so perhaps logging how you feel in relation to how long you spend on social media can give you a good idea of what a good amount is for you personally. Spending more time doing things with our hands/bodies, like physical activity or hobbies, can be very healthy ways of spending our time instead of being on social media. It can help distract us from the urge to check our phones, a distraction from a distraction if you will.

When it comes to content consumption, we all must be careful of what we expose ourselves to. Reducing or even completely cutting out certain content that stresses or upsets us can help tremendously. This can even mean unfollowing certain people who’s posts may make you feel upset, even if you know them personally, were friends at some point, or are just acquaintances. Even though it may feel awkward or even mean to do that, it might help in some cases.

Maybe you could relate to some of the things I wrote about in this post, maybe you didn’t relate at all, but I just want to thank you for reading all the way till the end, and I hope this helped share interesting information that can be useful to you.

A social media marketing agency fires me while being sick without any notice or explanation.

I worked for a social media marketing company. I'd been there almost a year and hadn't used any of my 14 paid days off. I was the only contract worker, but I didn't complain. The money was ok, paid the bills, and my degree was not in business.

It's Saturday. I got from a whole day of running errands, it was raining and nasty, I was wet and cold, I felt sick. I emailed to my team and HR that I'm feeling sick and will be updating them. I felt it's important because there was a big pitch the whole agency was bending over. On Sunday, I felt it in my bones. I wrote another email. I didn't want anyone else to get sick before the pitch. Monday morning I was pouring gallons of shit water from my ass. I threw up twice, couldn't eat, couldn't swallow even water, couldn't sleep, couldn't move, no health insurance. I sent another email on Monday saying I feel worse, sent what I was able to finish to my manager and the team and wished luck with the pitch.

It was strange that this time I didn't get any, "get better," "sorry to hear that," etc. I was so sick I wasn't thinking too deeply about it though and decided to mindlessly binge on Netflix. Tuesday morning, I'm asking if all looks bueno. No response. I'm texting to my manager because this wasn't normal. No response. Then, I couldn't log in to my email. I got locked out from my work email. Doesn't take a genius to notice that something wacky has been going on. I got all my shit from Dropbox and whatever accounts I had on an external hard drive. I started making peace with the thought that I'm being fired. I just didn't know what for.

The next morning I see an email from HR with the subject "Effective Immediately" and saying, "Due to your repeated absences and your abuse of the paid time off, it was decided to terminate your employment." That's it. No further instructions, nothing. I tried to call my manager, but he didn't answer. He texted me later that day to give the address where my belongings should be delivered. I was still sick on Thursday. On Monday I got an email asking to sign it and send back. No instruction if I should do it by mail or email, just a lot of words reminding me what was in my contract: confidentiality blah blah blah, non-compete clauses blah blah blah, company's intellectual property blah blah blah. It looked like it was copied from an online template. I asked HR to send me a copy of my contract as everything was on my company's laptop. The contract was worded the way that working or even contacting with their clients could put me in legal trouble.

I got another job almost 2 months later. With maxed out credit cards and a $3K loan, I felt little helpless. They treated me like a piece of trash. After winning the pitch the agency has been bragging on social media about how amazing and millennial they are. On the company's social accounts they were trying hard to turn every little thing into a huge win. For me, every day was harder because the new job sucked, I felt excluded and didn't feel I'm the part of the culture. So, I've been checking the old agency's social media like a maniac. It got so bad I had to delete the Facebook app from my phone and install some chrome extensions to prevent me from visiting their social media. I stopped going to the gym, was eating unhealthy, broke up with a girl who actually liked me over a stupid argument, was stressed, and felt like a loser.

One day they posted a blog with so much praise for themselves... I cringed. While scrolling through everything people were saying, I realized that their pride blinded them to anything but positive feedback.

After 3 months since I got fired, my bank offered me skip a pay or something like that for 2 next months and I used the $700 to buy as many fake likes, follows, views, etc., as it was possible. From 2K they went to almost 50K followers on Facebook. They were getting 300-500 likes on their Instagram posts, their Twitter also jumped high from only 200 followers. After a week the $700 got me, I decided to go full in for another week and added $500 to the revenge budget. I was more selective, knew more, had better sites for cheaper, I was posting comments everywhere praising the agency, I even created a fake site which was "featuring" the best social media campaigns and ads. I created fake 2 months worth of content in the form of "awards," "special features," and fake polls, and then featured this agency on the front page. Every comment was retweeted, shared, commented back, thanked. It seemed they enjoy the ride a lot. From 1-2 post a week before I got fired they jumped to 2-3 posts a day on every platform. They were so full of themselves they thought they got all of this with their hard work.

2014-2015 was the golden era of Facebook and social media for this type of activities. After over 2 weeks of the hype, suddenly, one of their most cocky posts of theirs got 0 likes. Null. These fools were so caught up in the chase of their 'hard-earned' success, they didn't even check who likes their shit, who follows them. Those were bot accounts, all of them probably in India, cheap as hell, from some scammy sites you don't want to associate your business or name with, or even your IP. The agency had almost 120K followers on Facebook at some point. Going from less than 2K followers to 120K, imagine how the engagement went down. All their organic posts were non-existent. The whole agency looked like idiots because it was apparent from the outside it's all weird and that the hype's fake.

They were trying to get that hype back they started writing useless blogs like more pointless and worthless content would fix anything. Their headlines were screaming "clickbait," their posts and the volume of images they were posting looked desperate. One day... Oops, their FB is "not available." They got blocked! Since there were hundreds of thousands of the same cases in review (blocked accounts for similar schemes, etc.) and they had $0 ad spend on that page, they would wait months to get their account back. They had to create a new FB page, a new Instagram account, and after they shared again the link with their "we're honored to be featured..." I replaced the URL to link to another business in San Francisco lol and removed their entry from the front page. I wasn't even aware at the time, but after these 2 weeks of imverybadass behaviour they lost a few crucial employees. I heard a rumor they left the agency in the mid-project and someone inexperienced, with no fucking clue and their own projects had to finish it. It had to be a shit show. The client refused to pay and eventually they lost every single client they had on a regular yearly contract. From 25 employees, in less than 1 year, they went to 9! I don't think they realize even now the ratios of likes to comments was suspicious. 2K likes on a photo post with only a single comment saying "Amazing!", posted by Rakesh Johnson from nowhere, with the profile pic of an anime character...? You need to be a true-born idiot to buy that, and they were "an agency."

They still have fewer FB followers than they started with before firing me. They gave up on Twitter. Instagram is also bad, no engagement, no regular posts. Overall, $1,200 bought me back my self-esteem, which I consider money wisely spent.

As of today, I've been talking to that girl I screwed up with and things are looking promising. I'm making more than my previous manager (according to Glassdoor), and he is still with the same company, not having any client on any sort of retainer fee. Only small projects, zero social media activity, almost a dead company, with no talent wanting to work there, and a bad reputation in the area Imagine, a social media marketing company gets kick out from Facebook... laughable. Bunch of egocentric people who got the taste of their own bitter piss. Sometimes I really want to add another nail in the coffin, but I'm a better man now. I moved on and don't consider them worthy of my time. This post is my final goodbye to this issue.

TL/DR: A social media marketing agency fired me for being sick. Got their ass kicked by their own ego and have been recovering ever since.

(source) (story by PierceJames)

Solicitation of Minors, Part 1 (Chai)

The second issue facing and affecting Jared Knabenbauer (whose name I’m SURE I’ve misspelled elsewhere!) are the accusations against Jared of seeking out minors to “groom” while using his star status and blogs as recruitment tools. While my blog on the Heidi/Jared breakup and fallout was as neutral as I could make it while still addressing the facts, I will be far more aggressive in this post because of the implications herein and the fact that this issue involves serious criminal allegations.

As someone that grew up with a child molester, as someone that was targeted by a rapist, I understand the importance of treating an accuser’s claims seriously.

It is my belief that all accusers should be taken seriously. They should be heard, listened to, and feel valid and safe in making those allegations, and the proper authorities should investigate all claims made to the fullest extent of the law.

However.

The accused has rights, as well, and no accuser is above scrutiny. There is a very bold line between taking an accuser’s claims seriously, and believing them outright without any doubt, question, or expectation of evidence. Our legal system is built upon the Presumption of Innocence, that any accused is presumed innocent of the accusations against them until they are found guilty. It is not Jared Knabenbauer’s responsibility to prove that the allegations against him are false, and his silence is not an indicator of guilt! The first thing a criminal defense lawyer tells you is to keep your mouth shut with regards to any criminal allegations because despite your best intentions, you may inadvertently say things that can be twisted and used against you in court. Sadly, in today’s social media-charged society where people share details about everything from their vacations, to their grocery shopping trips, to the contents of every single meal, being silent is often treated as evidence of guilt.

First, I want to make clear the allegations against Jared. Jared is being accused of swapping nude photos and engaging in sexual conversations with minors. This, in and of itself, is not a crime.

Yes, you read that right.

To elucidate, it is a crime to knowingly transport, ship, receive, distribute, sell, possess, solicit, or access any visual depiction of a minor engaging in sexually explicit conduct.

In other words, if someone posing as an 18 or 19 year old sends you nude photos of themselves, but they’re only 16 or 17, you’re not guilty of a crime as the law is written, because you have to knowingly receive images of underage children, simple as that. The reason for this is because our legal system is based upon a concept known as Mens Rea, or “guilty mind.” It means that an individual’s intent has to factor into whether or not they deserve punishment for an act they’ve committed.

This is entirely different from the concept of Ignorantia juris non excusat, more commonly phrased as “Ignorance of the law is no excuse.” Ignorantia juris non excusat applies when you are committing a crime but do not realize it’s a crime.

For example, you cannot fire a handgun at a target in your back yard and avoid legal penalties because you didn’t know it was illegal to discharge a firearm in a residential area. The fact of the matter is you did a thing that the law says you can’t do.

Jared’s situation is different, because the law itself requires the accused to know the age of the person they’re interacting with when they do it, otherwise you cannot prove they knowingly interacted with a minor. This is the reason Chris Hansen’s team on To Catch a Predator take care to explicitly make sure their targets see and acknowledge the “age” of the decoy, because they’re unlikely to get a conviction on the basis of “We thought the decoy’s age was obvious!”

Think about it. If the law didn’t require the recipient to know the images contained minors, a person could easily set up a blog with a bunch of “barely legal 18 year olds,” post pictures of 16 year olds, and then anyone that went to the website would be guilty of accessing child porn. Odds are, if you’ve spent any time at all looking at porn on the internet, you’ve probably stumbled across a picture or two of a late-teens minor that either lied about their age or just uploaded a pic from their phone without even caring about the legality of it. Do you think you should be charged with a crime just because you trusted an adult website to fully and carefully screen every single model and some slipped through the cracks?

And, before I go on to the allegations, I’d like to point out that there have been many people that have confirmed that Jared did, indeed, engage in age checking and state multiple times that he didn’t want kids in his blog.

There’s also the fact that people admitted to having to omit or lie about their ages because Jared was known to boot people that were underage.

At one point, a user by the name Brenn recalls a time where they revealed to Jared that several minors had been posting to his blog, and Jared’s response to finding out about that was to nuke the entire blog.

I should note that, when Jared was informed about minors posting to his blog, he only had two possible options if he wanted to avoid violating federal child protection laws.

1. Report the blog to the FBI and implicate the users as distributors of child pornograpy.

2. Delete the entire blog.

He chose the latter option.

Now, with all of that said, let’s look at the allegations. Rather than do this as a timeline, I will address each accuser one at a time. There are only three, so this won’t be hard.

On April 4th, an individual going by the Twitter name Chai sent an email to NormalBoots, a media company specializing in video game-related content with whom Jared worked, along with many other individuals, including Holly Conrad. In this email, which Chai titled “Regarding ProJared’s Sexual Grooming of Minors,” Chai detailed his interactions with Jared, which he further expanded upon with a full-blown statement to Twitter that reads thusly:

However, as is typical with Twitter, people pressed Chai. They wanted to know more. This was when Chai admitted outright that he had absolutely no evidence to back up his claims.

I apologize for the poor quality of these screenshots, but shortly after posting his statements, Chai went to great lengths to bury his statements, though archived samples and screenshots taken by others still exist.

In addition to admitting he had no evidence to support is claim, Chai took time to answer a few other questions:

Now, the fact that Chai has no evidence of his claims is, itself, no reason to immediately dismiss them. Not everyone keeps extensive screenshots of interactions they make online unless they’re planning on savoring or using them later. In fact, as I said before, the authorities should take those claims with absolute seriousness and investigate them, and we the public should be willing to hear Chai’s words openly. However, further digging has resulted in new information that makes Chai’s claims and testimony a bit harder to swallow...

On November 2017, Chai posted an extensive blog entry detailing a head injury he suffered on November 9th, 2015. This would have been just five days after he turned 16, his date of birth having been confirmed by an archived copy of his old Twitter profile, seen here:

In this blog, posted in 2017, Chai describes suffering a head injury during gym class, and the severe, terrifying symptoms he underwent - symptoms I doubt I would be strong enough to endure - in the months and years that followed. The blog itself is very extensive, taking up several pages, and would be cumbersome to quote or paste here in its entirety. However, the entire blog can be found directly via archive by going here:

https://archive.fo/CEpgE

A full-image snapshot of the blog can be found here: https://imgur.com/a/sIJ7FlY

According to Chai’s own blog entry, the sheer misery of his experiences during those first few months must have been excruciating torture.

It’s probably a blessing he claims he has no proper memory of that period of time.

Now, the experience Chai describes suffering from during that period of time is, without a doubt, something I would never wish on anyone, even my worst enemy. However, if you do the math, that means that Chai cannot properly remember anything that took place between November of 2015 and May of 2016. When did he claim to have sent Jared that first nude along with a tagline of “16 no more?” Oh, that’s right...

So, allegedly, the first nude image Chai claims to have sent to Jared, wherein he states that he’s 16, occurred during a period of time that he can’t properly remember, and what memories he has exist as “snapshots.”

However, let’s continue giving Chai the benefit of the doubt. Let’s speculate in his favor for a moment and say that sometime after he wrote this blog, he started to remember things from that period, and somehow, those memories were clear and unaffected by the significant traumatic brain injury he suffered in late 2015. Chai describes the life he was living between late 2015 and August of 2016.

He was in and out of the hospital, sometimes for days at a time.

He was in constant pain at all times, and would suffer from seizures every few minutes that caused incontinence, falls, and fainting spells.

Such severe fatigue that he was sleeping for 16-18 hours per day.

Such severe depression, pain, and spasms that he was effectively bedridden.

Hallucinations, both auditory and verbal.

Hearing voices telling him to kill people, which got louder and louder each day.

Severely bad short term memory and large gaps in long term memory.

Inability co concentrate

Loss of coordination that prevented writing.

Slurred speech and psychosis.

He states that in August of 2016, he was “somewhat better” and was able to stay awake for 8-10 hours per day, but that the psychosis (that is, the violent thoughts) was getting worse, to the point he told his mother that he’d kill her if she didn’t take him to the hospital. He spent several days in the hospital before having a massive headache that temporarily crippled him, and explains that after this headache, the voices had miraculously disappeared entirely, as had the spasms and headaches. From there, he explains that his life got better and his symptoms rapidly healed over the ensuing year or two that followed.

Now, I don’t tell that story to humiliate or embarrass Chai. If anything, anyone that had lived through these events deserves nothing short of praise for their strength. I tell this story because, when you think about it...something doesn’t add up. Regarding that blog, there are two possibilities:

1. That the blog is truthful, and contains a description that best fits Chai’s recollection of the events surrounding a very unfortunate and painful accident. If this is the case, it means Chai is a strong individual that survived pure hell and came out the other side with a smile.

2. That the blog is a lie, which would imply that Chai invented the entire ordeal in order to garner sympathy from those that read it.

Now, we can’t access medical logs or contact any hospitals due to patient privacy rights, nor would we have any right to pry into Chai’s private life, which is why I’ve limited my digging only to information that has been submitted to the internet by those it concerns. However, no matter which of these two scenarios is the truth, Chai’s testimony hits a brick wall.

If it is true, then it means Chai’s memories of most of the year 2016 cannot be considered reliable. By his own admission, he is only able to recall bits and pieces of events that took place during that time. Furthermore, I think we can all agree that if you were living that sort of life, it would be overwhelmingly difficult to find the mood and motivation to go online and start trading nudes and engaging in sex talk with someone, to say nothing of the difficulty of finding time to do that and study while you’re only awake 6-8 hours per day and spending much of that in and out of the hospital, and even if he did manage it, we can’t rationally place much (if any) faith in the integrity of his recollection of just how those interactions with Jared went, especially in the absence of any corroborating evidence what-so-ever.

If it is false, it means that the story - either in part or in whole - has been falsified for the purpose of garnering sympathy for Chai from those that would read the blog. While this act alone could simply be considered deplorable for the level of deception involved, it would also establish that Chai has a pattern of lying to the public in order to get them to feel sorry for him, meaning it’s not ethical to believe his claims without some evidence to corroborate them.

Either way, the blog does say one thing for certain: Chai’s claims about his encounter with Jared, based on the timeline of his cognitive injuries and the fact that he cannot provide a single shred of evidence to corroborate them, cannot reasonably be accepted as reliable, because either he wasn’t in any condition to participate in nude-swapping and sexting, or he’s remembering events that might not have happened, or he’s lying about the entire thing. We can’t prove which of these possibilities, if any, is the truth, but there’s far too much there to simply dismiss outright.

Update: Direct references to Chai’s surname have been removed from this blog at the request of third parties not directly related to these incidents.

A Little Bit Of Organization Wouldn’t Hurt A Bit

Today is a searching and researching online day for an end to the endless clutter I have lived with FOREVER! I am so ready to clear the decks both physically/mentally and offline/online and get to some #extremeproductivity.

This is going to involve a lot of thinking and a lot of trying out things to streamline it into this no-fluff ecosystem I am dreaming about, even as I am typing this. A big part of this is to go paperless and also to start using my IOS phone a lot more. The below may seem like a lot of places but the object of my game is to have places to put things where I can go back and retrieve them. My mind and life goes so fast a lot of the time that the clutter, even when it is just mental has a tendency to pile up and to overwhelm me. By clearing physical mess (most importantly paper) and mental overflow, I can create the space I need to be the best me. Two big goals are time to do online study and being fit mind and body.

Read on for tools and thoughts about them:

Tumblr - Reasons for Tumblr: braindumps, writing habit, connection my introvert heart desires at times, and ease of use. Tumblr is good just to write or to spend time reading. I find a lot of the people on Tumblr are pretty deep, creative and wildly entertaining. Tumblr is a good place for introverts.

Saved.io - to try and curb the worthless habit of saving fifty trillion bookmarks and adding to them daily without ever really delving into those websites or using them. No extensions for this. You just add saved.io after the http:// or https:// and to make folder (tags/labels) put a name in front of .saved.io. Super easy. Sign up for an account and have an online spot for bookmarking your heart out

Google Keep - I need something to take down my own thoughts in a browser as I am surfing/researching and do not want to make a big deal out of it. There is a Chrome extension or you can right-click to add notes with tags. Braindumps and a place to satisfy data pack-rat urges. Follows the line of thinking that I am using Google for a lot of things and it’s already there anyway.

Google Calendar - I have multiple Google accounts but one where all my emails and appointments go. I synced this as my main calendar on IOS instead of the default calendar. One calendar to rule them all! Same for the one gmail. There is also an extension to add events quickly, along with the right click option.

Feedbro - RSS feed reader - too bad Google did away with theirs. This takes away some bookmarks for favorite sites/blogs and gives me an easy and fast way to know that I am keeping up with things that are important to me. Clicking the extension lets you “Find feeds on this page,” save feeds and also to open up your feedreader. Feeds can be categorized into folders.

LastPass - I have used this for years on my computers. It is the best password keeper as far as I am concerned. AND FREE! Today, I put it on my phone. I cannot say enough about how great this tool is for your information.

Scanbot - app for scanning in documents by taking a pic of them. This will definitely come in handy for those on-the-go document situations. Things like bills, manuals, purchase papers, etc. I have at home will, most of the time, be scanned in using my printer’s scanner.

Bullet Journal (BuJo) - my offline to-do / to-did and short journal things. I have one for me and one for my computer. The one for my computer has already saved me this year when I was trying to figure out what program was conflicting with another. My memory was helped by my documentation on what programs I had downloaded and when. I also document computer problems: what happened and what helped. Everything in one book - I think everyone should have one of these and I am surprised I never thought of it before this year. My personal BuJo is not one of internet proportions. I tried that and failed miserably and lost all site of what the book was supposed to be for to begin with. I ditched the trying to make it pretty and doing weekly/monthly spreads. I am back to the original version that Carroll Ryder set forth with his inspiration and am a thousand times better for it. This is something I can hold in my hands and look back on from time to time to see exactly how my time on earth went.

SimpleNote - I have a Reminder label in this for to-do’s, but I mostly just write to-do’s on the calendar or on a post-it/index card to throw away. I also document to-do/to-did’s in my personal BuJo. No this program is going to be something I use for some time, I do believe. I decided I am going to document work with this, especially conversations. I never remember the specifics in time so this will be my second work brain. Tags will be people (initials, first name, or my nickname for them). I can then go back to specific conversations that I want to refresh myself on and also for people notes such as date of birth, family (kid/husband/wife name), and/or specific things about them. Also, dates of meetings, project dates,etc. This is in its infancy - I have high hopes for this going forward.

AirTable - This website/app has high potential. I really like that it is set up like an Excel spreadsheet. I have projects set up in it for tracking daily spending, pantry inventory, gifts, etc. etc. etc. This is so customizable!!!! In my pantry list, I can add columns to be able to know what my lowest price on an item was - so in essence, a pantry checker with a price book included. I figure the way I use it will grow as I get used to it and find its value.

mySymptoms -  $$ App for tracking your health. This is the one thing I paid for. I can’t wait to get enough stuff in it for a good PDF download. It is customizable to you, just like the AirTable. You can add/delete the things you want to track and there is a big list of them: drinks, food, medications, supplements, mood, symptoms, bowel, energy, sleep, stress, exercise, environment, and other. Some of these can be extra helpful for people who struggle with certain diseases or triggers. This is certainly a make-it-all-about-you app that can show correlations between a factor(s) causing another factor(s). Or even for people who forget when or how long they took medications or supplements. In my new found goal of creating a life that serves my health - this one is a winning part of it. I will be a participant in my healthcare.

Instagram - because, at times, I like to take photos of food and things I see that I like. And because, I hate Facebook. IG also gives me an easy way to change the way the photos look and share back to myself for other uses and ways to share my account online with my online people-ha. Braindump for photos.

Twitter - because it’s fun... and sometimes informative. Twitter is the quick connection to the rest of the world and let’s anyone fit into it. My favorite parts of the twit are hashtag and whatever “new episode” tv show I am watching. It’s fun to join in with whatever other people think of an episode and throw your two cents in too. I never feel like I am sitting at my house alone on Friday & Saturday nights with #livepd. With the added gifs on posts, it can get quite hilarious.

GoodReads - This is hooked up to my Amazon account and my Amazon account is hooked up to my local library account through Overdrive. So... free books. I read every night on my Kindle app (you can read in your browser too). The books are automatically added to my GoodReads account. At this time, I am 8 books ahead on my goal to read 100 books this year. 

Listal - As for movies, the best site I have found is Listal. You can tag, star and make lists for the movies/tv you watch (along with books, products, people, dvds, and games, if you wish). Many members do a Halloween movie list each year.

Pinterest - this place fulfills my yearnings to save a million quotes, presented in a pretty way and is the easiest way to make kick ass vision boards. I have multiple boards for this very thing: HouseVB, ClothesVB, ThingsVB and so on.

This is the big starting out list. I didn’t want to leave anything out because I need to be clear on what I am really using and be consistent on what accounts I use for what services. Pinterest may be a big black hole, but once set up with mostly productive boards, I can relax knowing that they are helping me visualize the things I want while also letting me do something that is fun (even if sometimes just losing time surfing the internet).The same with Twitter and Instagram. They are black holes for time. But this way they are serving a purpose of entertainment and braindumps to clear the way for good space in my life. I will follow up with this as being productive online is both an important topic for me and also a much needed topic discussion. In my research, I wish more people would post about their systems to help the rest of us out :D

Taurus - Earth paperback books going off the grid the “change my mind” meme introduced friends to natural wine dab pens chunky knits collecting hopscotches vibe check using hands as utensils trail mix wary of new people refined taste in art thanklessly supportive can’t take your own great advice comfortable footwear splurging on candles bear hugs *sort by price: highest -> lowest * cleaning as you go lazy Sundays annoyed by people who lack follow through rainy day blanket forts probiotics motivated by spite 6/24

Gemini - Air chewing gum free trials answering a question with a new question editorializing diabolical laughter spilling other people’s gossip think pieces knowing what makes anyone tick messy car bar hopping schemes embodiment of the ‘tongue sticking out’ emoji stirring the pot vocal in ever group chat used to be famous on Wattpad “hey Siri” actually loving small talk would fight or fuck a stranger computer desktop full of unorganized files rooting for villains reading tabloids in the grocery line pretending to look busy can list 10 famous Geminis swiping Tinder without looking 3/24

Cancer - Water baking from scratch dreaming of an RV trip craving codependency scent-based memories Sunday morning open houses keeping a list of baby names holding hands cozy nights in same best friends since 1st grade serial monogamy needing a foundation of trust texts < phone calls longing stares mood playlists vanilla-scented everything saying “please” and “thank you” feeling misunderstood taking great pics of your friends favorite season is autumn black and white filters vintage tea sets silent treatment home resemble a dollhouse nostalgic for a historical period you never experienced 7/24

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I can’t wait to not live with my parents I check facebook everyday I have no idea what to do with my life after I graduate Malibu is my choice of rum I strongly dislike the taste of beer I remember lyrics easily My room is an absolute mess at the moment I don’t have a twitter account I love Jake and Amir ^Their older stuff was better though I enjoy playing video games I’ve driven drunk I’m trying not to smoke weed anymore I lovelovelove finding new music I wish I could wear shorts all year People seem to think I have a “bad reputation” I am not a slut ^But I admit, I am a tease at times Apparently I lead guys on without even knowing it I want to travel I suck hardcore at pool I shop at TNA I watch Jersey Shore ^Sammi is a dumb bitch I am super excited for Halloween this year ^I’m gonna look cute I still listen to Christina Aguilera ^I like her older stuff waaay better than any recent shit I have a bad habit of not texting people back I want a new phone oh so badly I was 16 the first time I ever smoked weed I haven’t saved any money in months I don’t wish I was taller, I like my height I love spending the entire day at the beach I hope it doesn’t snow this winter I have friends I don’t trust I’m uncomfortable hanging out with people younger than me I have never liked a guy younger than me I like playing solitaire on my iPod I hate Usher’s song “OMG” I can’t see myself ever being addicted to cigarettes I want a new job Someone misses me a lot more than I miss them I wish my boobs were a bit bigger I enjoy bitching people out when they deserve it I hate days where nothing goes right I really don’t care for Christmas ^I look forward to New Years more I wish I had a good book to read I love when I make the right choice Sometimes I’m a sore loser I chew gum every day I usually shampoo and condition my hair every day I hate hairspray I would never get eyelash extensions People always think I wear hair extensions, but I don’t I think I look fine without makeup ^But I still wear it practically every day I haven’t gone out to see a movie in awhile I’ve wasted months and months on a guy who wasn’t even worth it My mom constantly judges me Ke$ha’s music is catchy I was never really a fan of Britney Spears The only sport I’m really interested in is soccer The only “fast food” place I eat at is Subway I never have whip cream on anything I order at Starbucks I love just chilling in Starbucks with a drink and something to eat I like to party I kind of want to start watching Glee French fries are delicious I hate crying in front of other people I always plug my iPod in when I drive There’s someone I’m looking forward to seeing next summer I like the size of my computer screen I love when my legs are hairless and smooth My nails are always short I can’t remember the last time I bought a CD I only wear tampons ^Pads just gross me out and are uncomfortable I hate when something I want to wear is dirty or in the wash Half the clothes I own, I don’t wear Smirnoff Ices > Palm Bays I’ve never been in love ^But I’ve been in lust I’m not a very cautious driver

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1. I’ve only had two boyfriends. And I’ve only kissed two people. 2. I’m really picky about everything. 3. There isn’t a single thing that I wouldn’t over-analyze. 4. Every time I’m on the computer, I’m on Tumblr. 5. My biggest fear is that I’ll look back on my life and feel like it wasn’t even worth it. 6. I don’t know how to change that. But I’m trying anyway. 7. I still don’t drive but I hope I’ll have a car by the beginning of 2021. 8, is my favorite number. 9. Jersey Shore has to be one of the best reality shows ever. 10. If I had to marry a girl it would be Rihanna or Lady Gaga. 11. I have spider bites on the left side of my lip. 12. My hair is dyed red. 13. I can’t wait until I have enough money to go shopping. 14. Winter is my favorite season. But I quite like fall. 15. I would love to travel to different countries. 16. I’ve never even left the east coast. 17. I’m not extremely religious but I love my church. 18. I’m very sentimental. 19. It doesn’t take much for something to remind me of someone. 20. My dreams are always really crazy. I like to analyze them sometimes. 21. I’m so glad the new season of House has started. 22. I should really exercise but I seriously lack motivation. 23. I’m constantly using adverbs. 24. When I’m feeling emotional, I like to write about it. 25. I kind of feel lost. Like I’m floating with no direction. 26. I probably worry entirely too much about my future. 27. This winter, I’m going to work on totally changing my wardrobe. 28. I love it when I can really get into a song or a book. 29. The amount of Facebook creeping I do is probably not healthy. 30. My nails are always painted black and white. 31. It really bothers me when I make a list and it begins with the same thing so this survey is annoying to make. 32. Purple is my favorite color. 33. There’s a career that I would love but I don’t really know how I’d even get involved in it. 34. I want to be fucking rich. 35. I’d rather live in the city. 36. My parents have been divorced for a long time. 37. I’m a big daydreamer. It affects my life a lot because I wish that I could actually live in the imaginary world I create for myself. 38. I hope that one day, I’ll feel like I’m good enough for someone. 39. Cherry Coke is the best soda. 40. It honestly blows me when people say they can’t tell the difference between Coke and Pepsi. But it’s even more appalling when they think Pepsi is better. 41. I’m pretty liberal. 42. I’m really easily annoyed and I can’t even stand people for the most part. 43. I try to find out why I do the things I do and feel the way I feel about everything. 44. I hope one day, I’ll find someone who’s worth knowing everything about me. 45. Honestly, I think I’m an interesting person. 46. But I really don’t like for people to find out that much about me. 47. Lately, I’ve sort of been into making lists. 48. I’ve changed a lot over the years. 49. I don’t regret anything.

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Gemini Ohh..those mood swings Constantly second guessing themselves Expert procrastinator Hate taking responsibility for any mess up Laugh at their own jokes They always light up your mood They will always tell you the truth even if it’s harsh They can’t stay at one place for too long Avoid conflicts at any cost Still flirts with you like you’re their crush 6/10

Libra They’re very indecisive They have a child like energy They hate when things don’t happen the way they wanted They love exploring new places with you They’re so charming that you’re sometimes scared of their loyalty They get very sarcastic after a fight They always have time to listen to your problems They can be very stubborn sometimes They have a really good taste in movies and music They like writing for you 7/10

Aquarius They’re very romantic They don’t give up easily They’re good listeners They hate being controlled Kind of impatient Most empathetic person you know They love to live happily and freely They’re good at remembering dates They act stronger than they’re actually They’re always down to try new things 5/10

2019 WRAPPED: a few contributors’ (and my) records of the year

in order of release, here are some of our contributors’ albums of the year, alongside my extremely extensive list of my favorite LPs released in the past 365 days.

1. january 18, heard it in a past life by maggie rogers

this album, without a doubt, shaped this entire year for me, but whenever i’m asked to explain how, or why, i get choked up. at the time of its release, i was in such a strange place mentally that i couldn’t listen to “light on” - one of the most popular songs on the album - without sobbing uncontrollably, even if that meant excusing myself to cry in the restroom when it came on at work. i am so grateful to have had hiiapl to grow with this year. maggie rogers is one of the most influential artists in the world right now, and i know this album is a lot of people’s record of the year.  recommendations: light on, burning, on + off, the knife

2. january 25, amo by bring me the horizon

the return of british metalcore band bring me the horizon was such a heavily anticipated one, given the fact that their last LP release was in 2015, but i don’t think anyone could have expected the record they were going to release, or how different it would be from anything they’d ever made. bring me the horizon made a really impressive leap into something of an unknown; there has been, both unfortunately and understandably, some backlash regarding exactly what genres the band had decided to experiment with and whether they’d lost their roots in deathcore. but they’ve promised that despite this jump, they’ll still be as rowdy as ever in their live shows. amo is one of my favorite records of the year because of its genre-bending, and because of its desperation and emotion. it’s turned bring me the horizon from a band i never really cared for into one i now seek out when i’m thinking of what to listen to on drives. recommendations: mantra, in the dark, sugar honey ice + tea, mother tongue

3. february 1, midnight by set it off

my favorite record of 2019 is midnight by set it off. not only did the band completely reinvent their aesthetic, they also showcase a more mature and cohesive sound. cody (the lead singer) is a classically trained clarinetist and I think his knowledge of music really shows on this record. each song has little surprises here and there, and shows the work of musicians who understand rhythm and texture. there’s a little something for everyone, from the angsty undertones of “killer in the mirror” and “dancing with the devil,” to the raw, beautiful emotion of the ballad “unopened windows.” hands down best record of 2019!  -gabriela (twitter || instagram)

4. march 1, wasteland, baby! by hozier

I wish I could do my dissertation on the various ways Wasteland, Baby! is a masterpiece but unfortunately I'm in a museum studies program and I don't think my professors would accept that proposal. Hozier was somehow able to fit every emotion a human being is capable of feeling in a mere 57 minutes (and 21 seconds of course) and, by the end, has made the listener feel warm and hopeful despite a large theme being, y'know, the literal ending of everything. Don't even get me started on his referencing and imagery we could be here FOREVER talking about Shrike alone! Even Spotify was like "Hey this is literally all you listened to this year, you good?". Hozier and Wasteland, Baby! have been through one of the toughest years of my life with me - including the transition into a new country - and they will forever have a place in my heart.  -alissa (instagram)

5. march 22, mystic truth by bad suns

up until this year - and this release - bad suns were always a background artist in my life. i’ve been listening to them since they first released “cardiac arrest” and it was a single of the week on itunes, but only casually. this was, however, the year i saw them live, on their mystic truth tour in late spring.  recommendations: away we go, the world and i, love by mistake

6. march 29, you are ok by the maine

the maine are the most dramatic band in the world, and i love them to death for it. after staging a funeral for their 2017 release, lovely little lonely, in october 2018 to signify their departure from social media, they spent nearly six months in silence to write and record before releasing their seventh record, you are ok, this past march. this record makes me more - for lack of a better word - emo than any of their previous work, in spite and as a consequence of its blatant deviation from the loneliness of anything they’ve released pretty much since black & white. you are ok is, from its very first breath, evolved. recommendations: slip the noose, my best habit, tears won’t cry (shinju), heaven we’re already here

7. march 29, when we all fall asleep, where do we go? by billie eilish

the debut full-length from music prodigy billie eilish was long-awaited by dedicated fans and the general public alike, and when it finally dropped in march of this year, not a single person on this planet was disappointed (probably a hyperbole and consequently bad journalism, but who cares, i never claimed to tell the whole entire truth). when we all fall asleep is a genre-defying masterpiece; the tracks don’t feel as if they should be played on the radio, but because of eilish’s more mainstream previous releases, she’d essentially earned a permanent slot in most popular stations’ rotations. i also had the privilege of watching her play to one of the biggest crowds that reading festival’s main stage had ever seen, and she blew myself (and everyone else there) away.  recommendations: xanny, all the good girls go to hell, when the party’s over, my strange addiction, bury a friend

9. april 26, the balance by catfish and the bottlemen

despite criticisms that they’ve been making the same album for five years, i genuinely believe that with every new release, catfish and the bottlemen produce more emotionally coherent and intelligent music. i finally got to see them this year, on their tour supporting the balance, too, after years of casual listening. the balance turned me into a ravenous catfish fan; i spent two months after the show devouring all of the content surrounding them i could find, listening to all three of their albums on repeat, and crying endlessly over how beautiful van mccann is. this album absolutely defined the back half of my 2019, and i’m always shocked to learn that there are people who don’t love it as fiercely as i do. i have such an overflowing fountain of feelings about this album that i’m still not entirely sure how to write about, but all i have to say is that, if you haven’t yet, please please please give this album a spin.  recommendations: fluctuate, conversation, intermission, overlap

10. may 24, future dust by the amazons

the amazons are the best band i discovered this year, hands down. according to my spotify year in review, i listened to over 9 hours of their music since seeing them at reading in august (not including all the times i spun this record on vinyl in that time as well).  future dust is a masterpiece; there is not one bad track; every time i listen to it, it gets better. they’ve got rock and roll on lock. no one else has come close since maybe the arctic monkeys, but the amazons have brought it back. i’m having a hard time stringing together words about the way this record makes me feel, but i hope that you’ll see this, listen to it top to bottom six or seven times, and make your own feelings about it.  recommendations: mother, fuzzy tree, black magic, 25, doubt

11. june 14, doom days by bastille

i will probably forever hate myself for falling out of love with bastille after i graduated high school. i’m not entirely sure what happened (actually, i am - i was shoved too far up the maine’s ass to care about anything else) but i know that i loved them more than anything when i was a teenager, and the doom days album cycle - specifically their reading set - reignited that love, so i’ll be forever grateful to it for that. this album is conceptual and amazing, set over the course of one night when the writer - presumably frontman dan smith, whose brain this came out of - attends a party with his friends in an attempt at escapism. the world is fucked - dan’s words, but also mine - and sometimes we really do just need to pull the wool over our own eyes for once and let loose, even if just for a night. it starts at a “quarter past midnight,” when the night has only just begun, endless possibilities stretched out ahead of him, and finishes with “joy,” about waking up on the kitchen floor, your phone going off in your hand, the only person who really matters in your life on the other end of the line. bastille have always released music that makes it clear that they give a fuck what happens to earth and her people, and with doom days, they’ve perfected that sound.  recommendations: quarter past midnight, divide, million pieces, joy

12. august 23, GINGER by brockhampton

after a brief hiatus, my favourite all-american boyband returned with their fifth studio album, GINGER. with a noticeably matured and somewhat mellowed shift within the hip-hop collective, this record explores themes of grief and disconnection to the backdrop of upbeat melodies such as on "boy bye" and sweet love songs such as on "sugar". though perhaps my favourite sentiment on this record lies within the fact that it opens with the echoed words, "I don't know where I'm going," and closes poignantly with the heartfelt statement, "Thank God that I'm built for the distance." -katy (twitter | instagram)

13. september 13, hypersonic missiles by sam fender

hypersonic missiles, the debut full-length from geordie singer-songwriter-maestro sam fender, was my most anticipated release this year. fender has faced a mess of obstacles this year, mostly health-related, after winning the BRIT awards’ critics’ choice award at the start of it, and as a result has had to cancel a majority of the shows he’d had schedules and push back the release of hypersonic missiles a whole month. it was well worth the wait, though, and i ended up writing an essay-length review of it for highlight magazine when i finally did get to hear it. filled to the brim with emotional ballads and belters alike, hypersonic missiles is a culmination of over five years of songwriting and even longer of sam being fed up - with his government, with his peers, with the misrepresentation of mental health by the media. we’ve only had this record for three months, but i can already tell it’s timeless. i’m only hoping sam’s voice recovers enough that he can continue to tour to promote it before returning to studio (reportedly the electric lady in new york city!) to record his second release.  recommendations: hypersonic missiles, white privilege, you’re not the only one, will we talk?, two people

14. september 13, pride & disaster by sleep on it

my favorite record of the year is undoubtedly ‘Pride & Disaster’ by Sleep On It. Pride & Disaster arrived the perfect time for me, as I just transferred out of college. I felt lost and unsure of my future. However, listening to Pride & Disaster gave me a sense of hope and support that I’ll be okay on my new journey. -julie (twitter)

15. october 4, interrobang by bayside

Just like the title, there's no single form of punctuation that can explain the brilliance of this album. 'Interrobang' takes the classic Bayside sound to a new level with heavier riffs, faster time signatures, and iconic lyrics. From "Heaven," a stand out anthem for aging punks in the scene to "Bury Me," a melodic metal inspired breakout track, this album is laced together perfectly with both the past and future of Bayside. By tip toeing the line between metal, alt rock, and pop punk, the band has shown that even after almost twenty years as a band, they can still innovate and transform with new music. -katie (twitter | instagram) 

16. december 13, fine line by harry styles

i wanted to include this in this roundup, considering i haven’t stopped listening to it since it came out (and i saw him live!), but i did also write an entire review of the album. you can read it here!

honorable mentions (aka albums i didn’t feel like writing an essay about - or just didn’t listen to all that much - but still think you should give a chance)

1. swmrs, berkeley’s on fire (february 15, 2019) 2. circa waves, what’s it like over there? (april 4, 2019 -  i wrote a whole review about this record for highlight and not many of my feelings about it have changed since then.) 3. cage the elephant, social cues (april 19, 2019) 4. ten tonnes, ten tonnes (may 3, 2019) 5. palace, life after (july 12, 2019) 6. clairo, immunity (august 2, 2019) 7. the myserines, take control ep (august 8, 2019) 8. muna, saves the day (september 6, 2019) 9. from indian lakes, dimly lit (october 18, 2019)

tagged by @baalmuian ty bruh i love talkin about myself LAST:

1. Drink: cherry pepsi 5ever. or until i decide to stop trying to die young. 2. Phone call: uhhh probably a potential job n trying to set up an interview 3. Text message: telling my aunt i’d do it this ONCE to get a student’s address for her but that i don’t feel comfortable logging into the system of my old job from home 4. Song you listened to: I’ve had Dark Blue on repeat a lot lately (Jack’s Mannequin) it’s my silverflint song. So probably that. 5. Time you cried: Earlier today while doing Damien’s dream daddy route. I’ve so far only cried during his and Robert’s. I cry about everything.

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: nope 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: nah not really. 8. Been cheated on: i almost said no bc i care so little i forgot but yeah quite extensively. 9. Lost someone special: who hasn’t done that thing? 10. Been depressed: like last week. 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: most recently out the window of a moving car while the guy behind us yelled “pussy!” at me and I flipped him off while still puking. LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12. orange 13. purple 14. red IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: ye! 16. Fallen out of love: nah 17. Laughed until you cried: probably 18. Found out someone was talking about you: nah but i bet they are. little shits. 19. Met someone who changed you: mmmmm not really im consistently a garbage 20. Found out who your friends are: no n that sounds scary. 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: ye GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: p much all? i think? i’ve at least met in person anyway. 24. Do you want to change your name: haha dying is easier 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: my gotdamn sister bought me a cabin for a weekend. nice. 26. What time did you wake up: like 2. 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: crying bc ddadds got delayed again. 28. Name something you can’t wait for: someone to hire me. 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: i was 7 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: wish i’d chosen an apartment over moving in w/ my sister. don’t tell her that she’ll take it wrong. 31. What are you listening right now: my sister’s shitty kitten bite stuff she’s not supposed to bite. 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: idfk. 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: drivers not signaling. people who don’t like john silver. 34. Most visited Website: probably this blue hell. or twitter, lately. 35. Mole/s: idk i don’t think so what even is a mole??? i like the rodents. 36. Mark/s: i got freckles in lots of places. not like the good kind that are everywhere in abundance but just like scattered about in a few places. 37. Childhood dream: police officer 38. Haircolour: fucken red RED R RED !!BLOOD!!! 39. Long or short hair: don’t talk to me abt hair length i have issues. 40. Do you have a crush on someone: nah 41. What do you like about yourself: uhhh i am… fast learner… that was taken off my ‘strengths’ category for interviews 42. Piercings: none. more issues. 43. Bloodtype: good question 44. Nickname: fufu 45. Relationship status: single 46. Zodiac: aries 47. Pronouns: he/him 48. Favourite TV Show: FUCKEN U KNOW WHAT IMMA SAY FOLKS. THOSE BLACK SAILS 49. Tattoos: none but i’ve been thinking about the ones i want recently. 50. Right or left hand: right 51. Surgery: none 52. Hair dyed in different color: my hair was not born this way. 53. Sport: i’d play anything if it was easy and i didn’t have anxiety about literally everything. im fucking good at sports and shit im just bad at life. anyway soccer if i had to choose. 55. Vacation: secluded cabin. all hiking. no human interaction or public places. 56. Pair of trainers: wat? MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: nothing atm. tragic. 58. Drinking: also nothing 59. I’m about to: idfk answer the next question after that it’s a mystery 61. Waiting for: someone how wants to hire me to call me 62. Want: a job 63. Get married: nah 64. Career: something with money WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: i love me some kisses 66. Lips or eyes: HMMMMMMM idk both good. 67. Shorter or taller: nnn don’t care? 68. Older or younger: still don’t care. 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: ARMS I LOVE ME SOME ARMS 71. Sensitive or loud: not sure what this means but probably loud 72. Hook up or relationship: got neither man lemme just have my cats. hook-up if i had to pick rn. 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant i am Nothing.HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a stranger: no wtf why haven’t i done this??? 75. Drank hard liquor: ye but it’s hard and i can barely stand how it tastes. 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: don’t have any 77. Turned someone down: sure???? 78. Sex in the first date: no again why haven’t i done this ?? my life reads like a… christian or some shit ew. 79. Broken someone’s heart: probably not 80. Had your heart broken: not in a relationship way but in a someone-betrayed-me-in-a-way-i-never-foresaw-and-changed-my-view-of-them-and-myself-forever way. we love dashes. 81. Been arrested: nah 82. Cried when someone died: yeah 83. Fallen for a friend: nah DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: sometimes. not often. 85. Miracles: cute but not really 86. Love at first sight: cute but not really 87. Santa Claus: absolutely 88. Kiss on the first date: uh, yeah? 89. Angels: no fuck that OTHER: 90. Current best friends name: aerin/JiRa 91. Eyecolour: idk like green 92. Favorite movie: black sails s01e01 no i didn’t do this whole thing just to answer the last question that way. im tagging uh... mutuals but they don’t gotta do it. pbvs. doubt i’ll find 20. @filmgoldlesbians @crystallisedrain @asexualsanji @samhound  @dearestfreckledginger @gaygingerpirates @husbandpirates @knownasemrys @miragu @lukearnold @anarfea ​

im positive i missed some probably some people i’ve even talked to but im a tired and i didn’t remember how some people’s urls actually went @whxlebones TOO I KEPT TRYING TO PUT AN A INSTEAD OF AN X while tryna tag you

If you have a daughter make sure she READS THIS Please share with every youth you know, please! My name is Chinwe. I am 26 years old. I never graduated from d university, simply bcoz I was stupid and careless. On my 24th birthday, I received a nice gift. It was a blackberry phone. I always wanted one. It was like a right of passage. My ex-boyfriend got it for me. He was a student like me, didn’t have a job, and I really never cared to ask as he could afford it. My concern at that point was 'yes I had finally arrived.' Other girls in my hostel had blackberries and I would always get pissed when I heard sounds of pings and messages coming into their phones at all hours and I would stare at my nokia phone and wish I could throw it away, but half bread they say is better than none. So I hoped and even fasted to get a blackberry phone. Looking back now, if I had the opportunity, I’d have a landline with no internet activity what so ever. Anyway I got the blackberry phone and even got free BIS subscription. At that moment my life was complete. No more going to the cyber cafes to check my emails, my face-book or twitter. I had it all at my finger tips. Life indeed was complete, or so I thought. Anyway, I became addicted to my blackberry and also my social media applications, and since I had constant access, I quickly gained enough followers, and especially guys, mostly because I had a lot of erotic pictures on my timeline. I was popular. Finally, I felt I was the main girl. Everyone wanted to follow me. I didn’t care if it was virtual. It felt good, checking out my profile and having well over 8,000 followers, more than half of which were guys, but one particular guy caught my attention. Till this day, I don’t know what made him stand out, but we got chatty. He sent me direct messages and I replied. He was quite a gentleman, and I can’t remember him ever asking for nude pictures unlike the rest of them. So this made me comfortable with him. His name was Tobi. He said he was a doctor. I didn’t have any cause to doubt him. He had extensive knowledge and even gave me some medical advice from time to time. We eventually moved from twitter to blackberry chat; we chatted all the time. I got so comfortable with him. I gave him my number, and that would come to be the biggest mistake I ever made. Tobi called me every day. Some days, he called more than once. At night he would call and I would lay on my bed and have phone sex with him. His voice was so soothing. He made me do things I never thought possible. He had gained so much access into my head. I realized later I had done some very sick and twisted things just to please him. I would take nude pictures of myself. I would send him videos of me touching myself in private, and send him voice notes of me making moaning sounds and simulating orgasms, and all this while we had not met, not face to face at least. Eventually I played into his hands. I began pestering to meet him in person. At this point I had lost my mind. I assumed I was in love with him, and when my boyfriend at the time broke up with me, I really welcomed it, for me it meant no more sneaking around. Tobi eventually agreed to come to Lagos to meet me, all this while he had made me to believe he was in Calabar, and would take time off work to spend a weekend with me in Lagos. When I heard this, I was excited. He told me to book a reservation for him, stating he would pay me back as soon as he arrived and also he said it would make him more committed to the visit and would convince him of my seriousness. I bought it all. He was smart. He was cunning, and I was stupid! Oh how stupid I was. The funny thing was I had sent him tons of pictures, and all I had was just one picture of him, and whenever I asked, he would claim he wanted to be sure I loved him for him, and not for his looks, and sheepishly I would try to convince him of my undying love, and would try to appease him with nude pictures of my body. He eventually made it to Lagos. I met him at the hotel. He was tall, handsome a nd had a wonderful smile. He made love to me over and over, and convinced me to spend the night with him. I told him I couldn’t, because I had a test the next morning. Now at this point, I don’t know what triggered his anger; don’t know if it was because I couldn’t spend the night, or maybe I said something else I can’t remember saying, but whatever it was, brought out a very ugly side of him. He called me foul names, and kept going on and on about how he always knew I was cheap, and he knew I was sleeping with other men. The same man whom had swept me away, slammed me on the floor. He told me of how he had shown his friends all my nude pictures and how they had watched the videos and listened to the voice notes, he told me he had made a bet with his friends, that I would actually pay for him to have sex with me, just to prove how stupid I was. Well you can imagine how I felt. I was confused and shocked, but I attempted to regain any little dignity I had left, and so I tried to mouth off at him. Suddenly he punched me in the face, and I tripped over, and hit my head on a stool. The next thing I remembered was waking up on the bed. I was tied up, and he was staring at me. His eyes were dark and he had a sinister smile on his lips. He stood up and walked towards me. I tried to scream and realized my mouth was tapped. My head was racing. The unfortunate part was that no one knew where I was. He turned me over, and told me he was going to teach me a lesson. At this point I was naked. He raped me from behind, and I mean my anus. The pain was mind blowing. I struggled, and he hit me. When he was done, he brought out a small blade, and he looked at me for a minute and said, this scare is going to always serve as a reminder, for girls like you always trying to be more than you are;for stupid fools like you. He put the blade to my nipple and cut it off, and anytime I think of it, I still feel the pain. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. He was calm, like he had done it a million times. I could feel the warm blood dripping down my mutilated breast. Tears of fear and pain running down my face, and suddenly he turned around again, this time all I saw was a flash. I don’t know how I survived it, but I woke up in a hospital days after. Well I was awake, but my eyes were swollen shut. It took a couple of days for me to open my one good eye, and realize d damage he had done, he had plucked out my eye, and cut my face. He had cut my breasts up real bad, they had to cut it out, like I had cancer or something. There was no record of who I was, coz he had taken everything. He had taken my bag, containing everything I had. I was able to tell the nurses about what I could remember, and also give them my mum’s phone number. The hospital felt so much pity. They actually treated me for free. Hard to believe right? Anyway I was taken home after weeks at the hospital to recuperate. It was tough! I was blind in one eye. I had one breast and a hideous scar of my face. Talk about your sinage, he did a number on me. How dumb was I! sometimes I wish he had killed me, but there are fates worse than death, and I guess this is one of them. He was gone without a trace. The receipt from the hotel was in my name, so yes he had played me from the start. I didn’t dare go back to school. I was sure everyone would have heard, and I was not going to become a statistic, so I decided to stay home, and mind my business, besides what do I need an education for? I’d rather stay home, because there is no rising from this. There is no happy ending to this story. This is the simple ending: I was a victim of a sexual predator, and I let him into my life, period! And I take full responsibility for that. I was driven by greed and lack of morals. I allowed myself fall into an abyss, but well saying all this doesn’t change anything. It’s a memory I will have to live with for the rest of my life. Well not a memory, because I look at myself in the mirror everyday. Who would want to see a nude picture of a woman with one breast, one eye, and a stub. I have decided to publish my story, because with the rise of social media atrocities being committed, every story can go a long way in saving a life. So while you read, SHARE and help someone back to the right path............ If you have a daughter, make sure she READS THIS. Please share this with everyone you have on your contact. True life!

92 Questions

@useless--mind thanks for tagging me bud!! i love doing these even if no one gives a shit

Last:

1. Drink: milk

2. Phone call: with my grandpa

3. Text message: “👀👀👀“

4. Song you listened to: ultra bra - kaunis ja ylpee 

5. Time I cried: cant remember the last time i properly cried (its not even a rare occurrence just doesnt pop into my mind wtf) but my eyes got wet like two hours ago bc my sister sent me silly pics with her baby and was just extraordinarily sweet love her :(

Have You:

 6. Dated someone twice: no

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: nope

8. Been cheated on: nah

9. Lost someone special: yeah

10. Been depressed: yes

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: unfortunately................

List Three Favorite Colors:

12. violet

13. baby blue

14. orange mayb

In The Last Year Have You:

15. Made new friends: ive got closer with a few people so kinda? 

16. Fallen out of love: wtf is this love ya keep talkin bout

17. Laughed until you cried: yes

18. Found out someone was talking about you: hahaha yeah 

19. Met someone who changed you: nah

20. Found out who your friends are: in a way? ive not been thinking about this profoundly at all but the way ive perceived some people has strengthened for better and worse which led into new relationship dynamics

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: not on the lips 

General:

22. How many Facebook friends do you know in real life: vast majority

23. Do you want to change your name: noo im used to it but at the same time it sometimes hits me that its ACTUALLY my name (its not even anything special i just have confusing thoughts) so it does keep me on my toes and wont get bored of it 

24. What did you do for your last birthday: I CANT REMEMBER lmao ok i dont think we celebrated it on my actual birthday at all bc it wasnt practical that way but i had my sisters over the day before

25. What time did you wake up: 7am cause i hate myseldf

26. What were you doing last night at midnight: drinking water at my friends so id sober up bc im a fucking idiot pls slap me thrice dont hate me 

27. Name something you can’t wait for: get used to the new school i go to in two days (yea i havent even started yet but i can feel the bricks im shitting for the next month or so)

28. When was the last time you saw your mom: an hour ago?

29. What is the one thing you wish you could change in your life: i wanna be able to enjoy living my life properly and take more risks without worrying all the time  

30. What are you listening to right now: partners in crime part three by the internet

31. Have you talked to a person named Tom: no?

32. Most visited website(s): twitter tumblr youtube how generic

Lost Questions:

33. Mole(s): i have three moles (on my temple, under eye, above eyebrow) that form a triangle i was so ecstatic when i discovered this like two years ago

34. Marks: what kind of?? i mean i have stretch marks one from vaccination but thats it i think

35. Childhood dream: either a fashion designer or a housewife lmao

36. Hair color: mYsTiC vIoLeT according to the hair dye idk its hard to describe a dark mix of brown n purple (and red?)

37. Do you have a crush on someone: no

38. What do you like about yourself: that im quite tolerant and considerate of others, how self-aware i am cause thats the only thing that will keep me sane, i can be funny and not take things that seriously but still have extensive opinions and  thoughts on everything

39. Piercings: both ears x2

40. Blood type: a(+ i think) 

41. Nicknames: vertsi or however you wanna twist it its fine i love it

42. Relationship Status: singley

43. Zodiac Sign: taurus

44. Pronouns: she/her

45. Favorite TV shows: oitnb, lie to me, htgawm, skins, drag race, the get down, black mirror

46. Tattoos: none

47. Right or Left hand: right

48. Surgery: none

49. Hair Dyed A Different Color: ye different variations of brown and purple

50. Vacation: last one was to budapest about three years ago

51. Pair Of Trainers: i stole a pair from my mum idk theyre black and pink or some shit

More Generals:

52. Eating: last time? a croissant 

53. Drinking: nothing rn 

54. I’m about to: finish this and then go to sleep

55. Waiting for: a pleasant surprise 

56. Want: a proper social life

57. Get married: idk i loved my sisters wedding but i wouldnt consider marriage a necessity from a romantic point of view. if i ever get married its probably for the legal stuff and the ceremony will be low-budget and simple 

58. Career: probably gonna do something with psychology or languages

Which Is Better:

59. Hugs or Kisses: hugs ?whats a kiss?

60. Lips or eyes: eyes

61. Short or tall: idc!!! ok im kind of intimidated by tall people i feel like they could crush me in a heartbeat but maybe that adds into my excitement  

62. Older or younger: older for now at least

63. Nice arms or nice stomach: great the two body parts that barely hold any meaning to me good choice 

64. Sensitive or loud: im personally both (ok we gotta debate on the loud part with some people) but i think i value someone that is more likely to understand my own sensitivity so i guess sensitive it is

65. Hook up or relationship: relationship

66. Troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker sounds disgusting but i guess that since they would push my hesitant ass to do some stretching out of my comfort zone

Have You Ever:

67. Kissed a stranger: no

68. Had hard liquor: yes

69. Lost glasses/contact lenses: no

70. Turned someone down: kind of 

71. Sex on first date: no

72. Broken someone’s heart: naah

73. Had my heart broken: nope

74. Been arrested: no

75. Cried when someone died: yes

76. Fallen For a Friend: fgjhjh kinda... got over it fast tho cause it was impossible

Do You Believe In:

77. Yourself: No I Do Not Exist We Are Collectively Hallucinating Me 

78. Miracles: not really

79. Love at first sight: i believe you can sense if a person is compatible with you BUT ITS NOT LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT YOU ARE JUST A PERCEPTIVE PERSON 

80. Santa Clause: obvs my Dad

81. Kiss on the first date: i dont think it has anything to do with belief if it feels right at that moment then do it 

82. Angels: um? havent you seen the axe commercial :/ 

83. Aliens: yes!!

Other Random Things:

84. Current Best Friend’s name: mira

85. Eye color: blue and grey or some shit

86. Favorite Movie: black swan

87. Hold an object dear to you: my phone love being a #relatable millennial 

88. Favorite Ice Cream Flavour: vanilla or lemon

89. Least favorite thing: when my clothes fall under my bed and then im too scared to dig them out 

90. Name one thing you could change about the world: no social injustice

91. Current Song stuck in your head: i know by fiona apple

92. Favorite Childhood show: powerpuff girls? idk i liked most of the shows from my childhood

jesus christ sorry this is a hot mess made by  someone who tries to function at 2am using their second language @nuddy-pants do this xx

about me tag

Tagged by @sekaicheesecake 🙆🏻 thanks for tagging me!! these are really fun to do!! Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 10 people. THE LAST: 1. Drink: water 
2. Phone call: with my bestie 13 hours ago telling her we got to sit next to each other 
3. Text message: “IHATE" my ih project name
4. Song you listened to: produce 101 season two It's Me (pick me) piano ver. (if not i'm not able to sleep) 5. Time you cried: yesterday (i cry alot) HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: i haven't even held hands 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: i haven't lost the virginity of my lips 8. Been cheated on: nope, i hope never 
9. Lost someone special: yes
10. Been depressed: nope because i'm always happy but no one knows i cry so much at home :'(
11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: nope LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: blue, black, grey IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: yes:))
16. Fallen out of love: some idol groups...
17. Laughed until you cried: hell yes
18. Found out someone was talking about you: of course :( 19. Met someone who changed you: yeap!! 20. Found out who your friends are: I LOVE MY FRIENDS
21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: i don't even have facebook GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: i've no facebook
23. Do you have any pets: SOMEONE GET ME A DOG PLEASE 24. Do you want to change your name: i've recently learnt to embrace and appreciate my name :)
25. What did you do for your last Birthday: everyone forgot my birthday and asked for extensions for presents and my mom didn't even know until the next day because she was overseas :( 
26. What time did you wake up: today? (yesterday, its 1:32am now) 5:30 and i need to wake up at 5:30 again today!! for school :( 
27. What were you doing at midnight last night: twitter, what else?
28. Name something you can’t wait for: EXO GRAND COMEBACK AND ME TO FINISH MY HOMEWORK DAMMIT
29. When was the last time you saw your mom: 6 hours ago
30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: start studying since primary school and become smarter ugh i'm a dumb fuck
31. What are you listening right now: my dad's snoring from two rooms away
32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yes haha
33. Something that is getting on your nerves: school stress 😩
34. Most visited Website: twitter and safari and ig LOST QUESTIONS. 35. Mole/s: not gonna bother lol i'm in the dark
36. Mark/s: one birthmark and some scars
37. Childhood dream: chef/fashion designer?? psh 38. Hair Colour: black
39. Long or short hair: long
40. Do you have a crush on someone: nope 41. What do you like about yourself: i'm pretty. (i have the thickest skin in the world)
42. Piercings: one 
43. Bloodtype: O+ 44. Nickname: shit, really 45. Relationship status: single
46. Zodiac: LEO
47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favorite TV Show: i don't watch tv 
49. Tattoos: nope
50. Right or left hand: right
51. Surgery: one, my finger fell off after being snapped between the doors!!! theres a scar!!! 52. Hair dyed in different colour: never tried
53. Sport: dance??
55. Vacation: my dream vacation or where i've been to hm
56. Pair of trainers: ???? MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating Currently: goes on a diet but gains a kg hm
58. Drinking currently: water 59. I’m about to: go to sleep and catch at least 3 hrs before a long day tmr!! 61. Waiting for: me to get smarter dammit
62. Want: money 
63. Get married: next time 
64. Career: idk something to do with animals and the environment? dance will be a back-up WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: XOXO is a package please 
66. Lips or eyes: eyes
67. Shorter or taller: taller
68. Older or younger: idk what context 
70. Nice arms or nice stomach: stomach 71. Sensitive or loud: both, since i am both
72. Hook up or relationship: relationship
73. Troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker obviously HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a stranger: my lips are virgins too
75. Drank hard liquor: tried hm GROSS
76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: always 77. Turned someone down: idk i was in primary school and i didn't reject them but i just ignored their feelings? cuz most of us are friends so
78. Sex in the first date: never no
79. Broken someone’s heart: whatever 80. Had your heart broken: its embarrassing so dm me to see my rant 81. Been arrested: nope
82. Cried when someone died: yeah 83. Fallen for a friend: nope DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: sometimes i guess
85. Miracles: psh though i wish everyday on 11:11
86. Love at first sight: yes
87. Santa Claus: no
88. Kiss in the first date: no
89. Angels: YES!! EXO ARE ANGELS OTHER: 90. Current best friends’ names: let's use nicknames, burden and circle
91. Eyecolor: brown
92. Favorite movie: ALL PIXAR MOVIES i'm sorry pixar>disney oops tagging: @kristiankostovs i'm too lazy and i am definitely bothering you mom :( @indigomini and you oops @dayafterdae