#sometimes I wish I’d killed myself at 16 if only to save myself from the idiot I’d become | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

twstarchives · 4 years

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Ruggie Bucchi・Voice Lines

Additional Voice Lines: Gala Couture Event Card

School Uniform - R

Unlock Card “The secret to feeling good is eating! As long as you eat, everything’ll be OK!”

Groovy “My studies, huh...? This is what’s gonna put food on my table, so I’m taking them seriously.”

Home Setting “They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, you know?”

Home Transitions “I’m busy cleaning up Leona’s room right now. What? You wanna help? Man, thanks a bunch!”

“Mages who grew up in the slums like me are pretty rare.”

“Are you sure you should be spacing out like that? Time is money, you know.”

Home Transition (Login Greeting) “Do you need somethin’ from me? I’ll listen if you say you’ll treat me to something.”

Home Taps “My uniform? It’s a hand-me-down from Leona. It’s a little big, but I can still wear it so it’s fine.”

“I wouldn’t mind looking after Grim if you ever need me to. How does 1000 madols an hour sound?”

“You’re hungry? If you get some ingredients together, I can whip something up for you.”

“I gotta think about what I’m going to do after I graduate and start working towards that. ‘Cause life is really long.”

“Hm, what’s up? Does Leona want something——Oh, he doesn’t? You scared me for a sec...”

PE Uniform - R

Unlock Card “I’m really good at sports. At least, better than you.”

Groovy “Alright! I think I should show my cool side to the lower grades every once in a while~”

Home Setting “Getting to run around so nimbly really is the best.”

Home Transitions “Move it, move it! We’re in the middle of cleaning out the whole dorm! ‘Cause Leona never cleans this place up himself...”

“I’m considered pretty small in my dorm. But that just means I’ve got a lot of advantages in magift.”

“I’m really confident in my endurance. If I got my eyes on my prey, it’s not gonna escape me!”

Home Transition (Login Greeting) “Magift has a completely different feel when you see it live. Wanna come watch our practice sometime?”

Home Taps “Ahh, I’m hungry. I’m feeling like a whole pile of sugary donuts to dip in some milk.”

“I really respect Jack for how much physical strength he’s got. But he still has a selfish playing style.”

“Building up your strength is really important to survive a brutal environment.”

“Coach Vargas got angry today? Just compliment him on his muscles and that’ll put him right back in a good mood.”

“Now’s your last chance to enjoy yourself. Let’s hope you don’t lose all hope in everything when Coach Vargas goes and pushes you to your limit though. Shishishi!”

Lab Coat - SR

Unlock Card “I don’t care that much about looking professional, but I kinda like these snazzy lab coats.”

Groovy “You’re really clumsy. Here, hand that to me.”

Home Setting “Dirt would really stand out on this kind of white.”

Home Transitions “You should probably stay away from the Botanical Garden. If you irritate Leona during his naptime... Oo, it gives me chills.”

“Ahh, you’re using up so much good lab materials! Man, what a waste...”

“I love alchemy. But I tend to make lots of mistakes if I get too greedy. Hehe.”

Home Transition (Login Greeting) “Aah? I wouldn’t be able to help you with that work even if you asked me.”

Home Transition (Groovy) “You can still eat weeds if you cook them right. Huh, you actually wanna try ‘em? ...You’ve got weird taste.”

Home Taps “Jack grows a lot of cacti in his room. Maybe they could be emergency rations.”

“I can only throw together a meal with what I’ve got to work with, but I guess it’s fine as long as Leona eats it.”

“A lot of the plants they grow in the Botanical Garden could sell for really high prices. ...I don’t mean anything by that; I’m just sayin’. Shishishi!”

“I don’t really get how Riddle just dumps in spoonfuls thinking it’s ‘the right amount’ he needs.”

“Don’t touch me when your hands reek of chemicals! You’re gonna get the smell on me!”

Home Tap (Groovy) “Want me to tell you what was covered on my tests last year? I’d even give you a special friend discount.”

Ceremony Robes - SR

Unlock Card “These robes are so fancy. They really do have the feel of this school.”

Groovy “Even I look the part when I’m wearing these, don’t I?”

Home Setting “So? These actually look pretty nice on me, huh?”

Home Transitions “You’re a student at this academy but you don’t even know the history behind it? Gathering intel should always be a priority.”

“Want a keepsake photo of you in your ceremony robes? Just 1000 madols a pic! It’s a great deal!”

“Hah, I’m tired... I can’t help feeling stiff in clothes I’m not used to. How are you doin’ in them?”

Home Transition (Login Greeting) “This high-quality fabric with gold embroidering, plus these decorations... How much would they all sell for?”

Home Transition (Groovy) “The ceremony today is gonna be in the Mirror Chamber. Shishishi! You look nervous. It’s cute; it’s fitting for a first-year.”

Home Taps “I’m not rich, but I’ll always like this better than being a spoiled brat who doesn’t have a problem in the world.”

“The chance of Leona coming to a ceremony is... about 50/50. But he’ll still come to the entrance and graduation ones.”

“The Headmaster takes really good care of the apple trees that grow on campus. Those apples all look so good.”

“Mages were pretty rare where I grew up. I bet they’d all wanna see what I look like now.”

“You don’t need to rush; we’ve got plenty of time before the ceremony. You’re so impatient.”

Home Tap (Groovy) “Your makeup’s all smudged. Alright, guess I’ll fix it for you. ...It’s fine, I’ve done this as a job before.”

Dorm Uniform - SSR

Unlock Card “Who stepped into my territory?”

“Oh, wow, what a cute little kitten. Did you come here to be our prey? Shishishi!”

Groovy “I could tell you how to survive at this school if you want.”

Home Setting “I feel like somethin’ fun’s gonna happen today.”

Home Transitions “The deserted feel of the Ramshackle Dorm is kinda nice, but... Savanaclaw is still my favorite.”

“The dorm uniforms really are so easy to move in. They’re not too fancy either; it’s perfect for me.”

“We’re about to have a dorm meeting right now. What, you wanna come check it out? I mean, Leona’s kind of... It depends on how you ask him.”

Home Transition (Login Greeting) “I’m heading to the cafeteria with Leona. Wanna come too? Having more people to run errands saves me some.”

Home Transition (Groovy) “Sure, I came to this school without a madol in my pocket... but you can always find a way to handle anything as long as you’re alive!”

Home Taps “The strong and the smart are the ones who rise to power in Savanaclaw. I like how it’s an obvious system.”

“This necklace is supposed to represent different parts of nature. Red for the sun, blue for the sky, green for the land... It reminds me of my hometown.”

“It’s important to not let your guard down in the savannah. If you’re not careful... bam! You get killed.”

“Leona works me hard, but I’m always paid the appropriate amount. It’s a give-and-take.”

“You’re really just like a puppy with how playful you are.”

Home Tap (Groovy) “There’s still so much you could do even if you can’t use magic. Want me to give you a lecture on them?”

Duo Magic Ruggie: “Use your head, Jack!” Jack: “Right! Ruggie!”

Birthday Celebration Outfit - SSR

This card was only obtainable during Ruggie’s birthday event (Apr 16 - Apr 22, 2021).

Login on Birthday “Today’s my long-awaited birthday! Course that means you’ve got a present ready for me, right? ...Wait, huh? You actually do? ...Hmm, you were so straightforward, it kinda threw me off... Well, thanks! Hehe.”

Unlock Card “I’m the king today! Is the celebration all ready to go?”

“There’s really no one worth giving presents to as much as me. I’ll be happy with anything I get!”

Groovy “Thanks for celebrating! Can I expect another fancy party next year?”

Home Setting “I’m going to make it loud and clear I’m the star today.”

Home Transitions “Jack was so annoying telling me ‘The birthday boy needs to just kick back and relax!’ It was hard shaking him off.”

“Cake tastes so good and sweet~ But as long as it keeps me filled, I don’t really have anything else to say about it.”

“I can’t believe Silver was so quick to buy me that premium pudding when I asked him for it... I’ll go crying to him next time I’m short on food money.”

Home Transition (Login Greeting) “The birthday parties at this school are the best! I mean, there’s so much fancy food! I’m going to stuff myself like mad.”

Home Taps “The neighborhood kids always come to visit on my birthday. ...No, not to celebrate; they’re after the food.”

“Jade gave me a high-quality towel that’s so soft to touch... I might change my mind about being okay using it.”

“Lucius showed me somewhere where lots of dandelions grow. He’s a thoughtful cat!”

“This donut pin looks so yummy. But I wish they would’ve gotten some actual ones ready.”

“Hey, I know you just pulled my tail! You’re wrong if you think I’m going to allow that just ‘cause it’s my birthday.”

Home Tap (Groovy) “Some people don’t like getting older, but I’m happy about it. Don’t take your birthdays for granted.”

Duo Magic Ruggie: “Sebek, let's hear ya shout it out!” Sebek: “HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RUGGIE!!!”

Tutorial “Delays never bring you anything good. Let’s go.”

Lv Up “Shishishi! This is good.”

“You’re kinda weird, trying to take care of me.”

“I think I’ve gotten stronger!”

Max Lv Up “I feel like I could do anything now. Trying hard every once in a while actually might not be that bad. Hehe.”

Episode Lv Up “You really are such a softie. You might get scammed someday, you know? Well, come talk to me if that happens and I might help you out.”

Magic Lv Up “I always thought my magic would stay sucky my whole life, but... it’s kinda turned out.”

Limit Break “I think my progress is still far from over. Guess I gotta stay around you a little while longer.”

Groovy “See? The skilled ones always survive in this world. You’ve got nothing to lose being around me.”

Select Lesson “There aren’t classes on haggling or anything? This place really is a prestigious mage-training school.”

“You don’t have to get so stressed about it. You take things so seriously.”

“Which one are you gonna do? If it were me I’d pick one that’d be useful for survival.”

Lesson Start “Alright, studytime, studytime!”

Lesson End “Hah... I gotta stay caught up.”

Battle Start “This is my territory!”

Battle End “Looks like I got myself some mouth-watering prey.”

Other

Profile Quote “This world is a survival of the fittest. If you don’t eat when you can, you’re not gonna survive.”

January 2020 Trailer “Even a hyena can become king at this school.”

Countdown Poster “You’ve got some nerve stepping into our territory. Shishishi!”

Login Bonus Greeting “Oh, you made some money! Shishishi! Getting this just by coming to school everyday really is the best, huh? Make sure you don’t forget to come tomorrow either.”

Player Birthday Wish “You’re eating good food, getting all these presents, and everyone’s being so nice to you today. So you don’t really need me to send you birthday wishes on top of that, right? Kidding. Shishishi! I swear! Happy birthday!”

#twisted wonderland #ruggie bucchi #voice lines

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rrickgrrimes8 · 3 years

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Normality is Death

Chapter Two ~ My Current Existence

masterlist

My eyes darted across the room as I woke, rather abruptly, in a cold searing sweat. The whole room was matted in darkness and the lantern I had lit the night before had not soon gone out. I sighed hopelessly and pushed myself out of bed sliding my combat boots on as I did. I looked outside to see the break of dawn just highlighting the horizon - it's early then I concluded. I stretched and yawned as I left my room locking the door right after - just to be safe.

A lot has happened since Mom, Shane and Carl left me in the forest that day, too much has happened really. It's been around 3 months since I last saw my family and although I'd like to stay hopeful, I can't shake the feeling that they're dead or hurt in some way. But regardless I need to forget them. They left me. End off - period. My family abandoned me and I have to live knowing that and they have to live knowing that they played a hand in what they think was my death. I know it sounds cold, brutal even but I tried, I really did. I looked for them everywhere. I did everything a 14-year-old girl could possibly do in a world like this and I almost died countless times trying. So I gave up. I gave up not only to protect myself but because I realised that they probably wouldn't be looking for me. Hell, they think I'm dead right?

Since everything happened in Atlanta the government had been completely radio silent. Lots of people think it's because there's no one left to send a signal. I, however, believe that that's extremely morbid and I guess I'm still holding out hope that someone will swoop in and save us all. It sounds very fairy tale I get that. It's just I'm a 14-year-old girl and I'm so sick of this world already. To the point where I couldn't even think about living any longer in a world like this.

Sometime during the second month of what people like to call the turning, I met some people. They took me in gave me food, a shelter, some water. Basically, they gave me essential shit I was definitely lacking. Something they also did was train me. I'm not the best, but I do have pretty basic training in hand to hand combat, the basic workings of a gun (thanks to my father mostly) and I'm pretty good with melee weapons. They protected me is what I'm saying. They are my new family - a better family I could ever ask for.

Our camp consists of 2 houses, housing 4 or 5 people in each. Mitchell, our leader, oversees any newcomers and basically keeps law and order around here. I met them after getting trapped in Atlanta and getting cornered by a dozen or so biters. Mitchell and a few others came in and massacred all of the living dead and took me in.

"Yoohoo! Jacey get your ass up it's your turn to hunt!" my friend, Addie, shouted rudely to me as I walked down the stairs.

"Jeez Addie, I'm coming don't get ya panties in a twist," I teased nudging her shoulder once I got close enough. She had her usual skinny jeans and a grey tank top on but her hair was styled in a pair of small buns rather than her usually high pony.

At my reply, her eyebrows furrowed and her usually bright and beautiful eyes closed before sighing. "Do not jeez me, woman, you've got shit to do you're slacking!" she exclaimed practically pushing me out the door and into the burning sun. I promptly lifted my hands to cover my eyes from the brightness.

"Oh my lord, I know it's your thing to be this emo vampire goth girl who only stays in her room away from people, civilization and oh how could I forget the sun. but this is ridiculous it ain't even bright out." Addie joked forcing my arm down making me embrace the scorching heat.

"You call this civilization? If so you've got a warped definition" I said picking up a knife and gun from the armoury.

"Just go before I get even more sick of you, Jace," Addie laughed as I rolled my eyes, gave her the finger and strutted away sassily. "And you be careful kid Mitchell went out yesterday and there were more biters then usual. He thinks a herd might pass through so don't use your gun and you know don't die?" She said almost seriously which was incredibly out of style for her but nevertheless, I smiled and walked off into the woods.

She was right about the number of biters. After only being out an hour I've seen 16 in our woods alone and I haven't even ventured out in the city yet, which is notoriously worse but I only really have to go to Atlanta if we're desperate. I had only picked up 2 squirrels so far I guessed that the movement of the herd could be driving some of the bigger animals away, which sucks because once I tell Mitchell he's just gonna want me to go into Atlanta to gather supplies. I mentally groaned and sat down against some tree, wishing things were different.

"Looky what we have here gentlemen." A husky voice called out from the shadows. I instantly stood up and gathered my findings and unsheathed my machete.

"What the hell do you want?" I stood my ground as I saw a group of maybe 5 guys come closer.

"Ooh she's sassy," the guy who looked to be the leader teased, "always liked a girl with a little spunk in her as long as she learns to shut up when daddy needs some pleasing." I could've thrown up right then and there if not for the guard I needed to keep up.

"You're fucking disgusting," I stated unforgivingly, earning some laughs from the group.

"You really are quite confident aren't ya?" I stayed quiet as he stepped forward, "I can always give you a lesson or two about respect and I mean clothing's optional."

"How about you shut the fuck up before you really piss me off," I said calmly still showing my anger.

The man in front of me however got furious over my words and brought his hand down to my cheek. I fell to the ground at the impact, "I told you to learn some fucking respect little girl."

"And I said to shut the fuck up you creepy bastard," I got my machete out and cut into the guy's leg not giving any warning before punching him in the face, sending him towards the ground, "But you know speaking about respect. How about you learn some fucking respect for me or you know all of my gender?" I more ordered then questioned while striking the guy in the face again. "And next time, asshole, watch your tone when you speak to a woman," I smiled sweetly at him before marching off into the opposite direction.

"Oh and if I see anyone of you anywhere around here, I'll chop each and every single one of your dicks off."

I arrived back home later that night after hunting another squirrel and a rabbit on top of my earlier findings.

"So whatcha get for us tonight babydoll?" Mitchell said after seeing me walk up. Mitchell was a 25-year-old now-former English teacher who somehow became our leader. He wasn't extraordinarily brave nor was he an elite strategist but he was a good mentor, who had people that trust him - those people including me.

"Just some squirrel and a rabbit nothin' special." Mitchell nodded as I started to walk away, "Any trouble?"

I span around to him before saying, "always." Mitchell gave me an unimpressed look before taking my hunt and walking away.

"Why am I not surprised?" he laughs while passing most of our group towards the fire. "Anything serious?" I shook my head before sitting on the rough log placed next to the heat.

"Jus' some jackasses who thought they could take me. Guess I taught them a lesson in respect." Once again Mitchell laughed and sat next to me.

"I know I don't need to tell you this every time you go out but you've got to be careful, okay? Your safety is my top priority and I know you hate to hear it but you're only a kid. And kids can get hurt pretty easily especially in this sort of life and I'd hate to see that happen to you." Mitchell wrapped his arm around me in a brotherly sort of way as I nodded. I understand he just wanted to help regardless of how much I hate to be called a kid.

"I'm smart Mitchy. I'm not just some dumb kid. Plus haven't you heard I'm kind of undefeatable. Nothin can kill me," I boasted standing up and heading away from the majority of our group and back to my room. Before I left I saw Mitchell smiling then going off to talk to someone else.

I entered my room lighting a candle straight away and then dropping my bag. As soon as I entered all I could smell was the stenched of sweat and gore. I honestly don't think I've ever gone this long without a shower and I miss it so goddamn much. I miss so many things. I miss deodorant, a warm bed, fast food, soda and not to mention my mom's famous spaghetti bolognese. Just because I wasn't a fan of the woman does not mean I cannot love the food because damn she could cook. The only thing she couldn’t master, however, was pancakes but that didn’t stop her from trying. I smiled slightly reminiscing of the family meals we would have whenever we got the chance. We would all sit around the table talking, eating and just enjoying being around each other. But now they're gone so that's not going to happen anytime soon for me.

"What are you doing, Grimes?" Addie asked pulling me out of my trance.

"Nothin'," I spoke shortly before lying down onto my bed.

"Don't seem like nothing. Talk to me, love." She walked over and sat next to me taking her hand into mine.

"M' okay," I reassured her before closing my eyes. I felt Addie shift closer to me still holding my hand causing me to smile.

Addie was the only other teenager in this group so we bonded pretty quickly despite her being 2 years older, "You don't have to be okay, Jacey." I couldn't help but shudder at her words - the same words I heard from Shane the day it happened.

"Don't say that, please." I hadn't even realised the quiver in my voice before Addie sat up, bringing me with her.

"Hey, it's okay, I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you," The brunette girl said to me.

"It's not you i-it's jus'-" I couldn't finish my sentence before I started to sob. Memories of that night haunted me. I lost so much and so did everyone else but I couldn't understand how they were so okay with it. I lost my home, my dad, my family and my childhood all in one night. And I'm so sick of trying to be okay with that. "I just miss them so much." I finished while getting devoured by Addie's arms. I could hear her softly singing in my ear in order to calm me down and it soon did. I relaxed into her arms after a few minutes but neither of us made any indication that we were going to depart.

"Who did you lose?" She asked gently.

"Everyone," I could feel myself beginning to cry again but I pushed it away - I couldn't be weak any longer.

"I'm sorry, Jacey. I hate seeing you like this. I wish I could take your pain away."

I hummed shakily before looking up into her brown eyes, "Then do it." With that, she leaned in. Slowly I started to prepare myself to meet her lips but it never came.

She pulled away from me and stood up, "We can't do this."

I sat up as well but remained seated on the bed, "Why?" She gave me no answer and just looked out of the window. "Addie, please, just tell me why not? For christ sakes, the world has ended. We've got nothing else to lose."

"It's wrong," She said simply yet with so much emotion and left the room.

I felt the tears begin to return and I just let them fall.

"It's wrong."

That's all it took to break me - 2 words.

"She's right."

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stars-are-just-ghosts · 4 years

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Supernatural Isn’t Just A Show

I started watching Supernatural fifteen years ago, just like many of you. I followed the paths of two young men who hunted the evils in the world that the rest of us couldn’t have imagined on a good day. Vampires and demons and monsters. Greek gods, angels, Lucifer himself. The stories were heartfelt and humorous and dark and tender. They challenged us to see that monsters could be good, and being evil was a choice. They brought us into a reality of hope and fighting the whole world if it meant that your family was safe.

That’s what the show was really about, you see. The hunting and the laughter and the dark and everything in between was just the icing on the cake. The real story? That was family. Two brothers who came together and saved the world, again and again. Two brothers who fought side by side, and sometimes with each other, and always for what was right, even if the drawn line was hard to see. Two brothers whose devotion bled into the world around them and brought other amazing people into the fold. Two brothers who grew to have a circle of people who were the epitome of family, because ‘family don’t end with blood.’ Castiel and Charlie and Bobby and Kevin and Crowley and Jack and the list goes on. A list that extended beyond the characters, beyond the actors, beyond the show itself. One that includes you, me... JoAnn and Steven and Jeffrey.

Let me tell you about JoAnn.

Her daughter and I went to school together, a beautiful young woman named Sarah. Over the years I spent so much time at their house and with JoAnn that it was beyond easy to see them as family. And JoAnn became incredibly special to me. My mother and I have always had a strained, tumultuous relationship with very little in the way of affection. JoAnn, however, became the emotional mother I’d never had. We would laugh together (she had a killer sense of humor,) I would call her just to share something or vent (there was never a moment she wasn’t willing to listen,) she was able to hold all four of my babies after they were born (and they lovingly called her Auntie JoAnn.) And I even managed to get her addicted to Supernatural.

She loved Dean, especially Dean’s rear end. (-wiggles brows-)

Shortly before her first and only grandson was born, JoAnn became terminally ill and passed away. She never got to see her grandson, or hold him, or watch him grow up. I think about that all the time, especially when I see a picture of him that Sarah has posted. When I’m watching Supernatural, and Dean says something familiar or I remember a moment in the show that JoAnn particularly loved, I think about JoAnn and how much I wish she could have seen her grandbaby. And how much I wish her daughter, the lovely Sarah, could have experienced that, too. I wonder if JoAnn would have shared this show with her adorable little grandson. I miss that woman every day.

Now, let me tell you about Steven.

His father, Steve, is one of my best friends. I’ve known him for over twenty years. And when his three children were little, I used to babysit them. His son, Steven, was born with severe Cerebral Palsy. He was nonverbal, wheelchair bound, and was tube fed. But he was also the funniest, brightest, most happy boy I’d ever met. He had the most brilliant smile, and the greatest laugh. And whenever someone he loved or really liked walked into a room, his eyes would light up like stars.

When Steven hit adulthood, I would help his Dad out when Steven was at his house. We liked to watch movies and tv shows together. And I offered up the suggestion of Supernatural. It became like tradition after that. We would all be there in the living room, Steven on the floor with his Dad, and we’d watch the episodes in order. It always made me happy, to be able to share that with them.

About four years ago, Steven became ill, landing in the hospital. While there, his heart gave out. He passed away without ever having finished the show he had grown to love. Since then, his Dad hasn’t been able to watch anymore. It’s too painful. Too hard to think that Steven isn’t there to watch it with him. I understand completely. Because I’ll watch an old episode and remember Steven’s unabashed laughter. And I wish he was still here to watch it with us. I talked with Steve about giving it another try. He heard the show is ending soon, and I think he is finally ready to see it through, to finish it for both himself and his son. Let me tell you about Jeffrey.

Jeffrey has lived in NYC for over 20 years now. He is my big brother, and was diagnosed with different mental illnesses, including Borderline Personality Disorder. He’s still made a life for himself that makes him happy in a place I know for sure I would never survive in. (I’m a small town girl, through and through.) And it was because of my brother that I found out about GISHWHES.

You have to understand, my brother doesn’t open up to people easily or step out of his comfort zone for just anyone or anything. But in doing this scavenger hunt? My brother walked around NYC in a robot costume, including taking the subway and walking crowded streets. He also wore a bikini made of lettuce, and not once was shy about it. He dove right in and gave it his all in order to help other people, and to this day I am still insanely proud of him for it.

After everything he went through, from living on the subway for nearly two years (and never telling us) to going from corporate work (which he hated) to doing something he really loved (comic books, baby) to being hospitalized for suicidal tendencies to finally being diagnosed with things he had struggled with all his life but never had taken care of, and finally having a sense of mental health in a new job as a live-in dog nanny, this amazing man is finally happy. And when I think of that, I think of the video of him wandering around dressed as a robot because of GISHWHES. Now, if you’ll bare with me... let me tell you about myself.

I am a pansexual woman married to my best friend with four amazing children.

I have depression and anger issues that I have struggled most of life with.

I have spent a good chunk of my adult life being a stay-at-home-mom and only now am going back to school to learn a new career. I have rescued and taken care of animals since I was 17, something my children have grown to love as well. And I am happier now than I have ever been. But it wasn’t always that way.

I had my best friend die in my arms when I was 12, that being my first experience with death and grief and unchecked anger. And I grew up a lonely kid who spent most of my time hiding how depressed I was, doing everything I could to take care of everyone else in my life, the majority of them never knowing how much I actually struggled with just living. The first love of my life was killed in a car accident when I was 16. My parents divorced when I was 17 and I dropped out of high school, working three jobs just so I wouldn’t be home with my mother.

I was married to a selfish and controlling man at 18, had my first child at 19, second at 20, third at 23, and divorced at 23 with three small children and no job. I was terrified and didn’t know what I was going to do. Everything was up and down and inside out.

But I have a very clear memory of sitting down one night, after the kids had gone to sleep and the apartment was quiet and I was alone with nothing but my thoughts and the television… and a repeat episode of Supernatural (Season 2, Episode 16 – Roadkill) was on. (Spoilers ahead if you, by chance, have not seen this episode.)

In that moment, I was barely paying attention to it. I was a wreck, filled with guilt and fear. My face was covered in tears, and I was sobbing as I sat there and rocked with a pillow held in my grip (I oddly remember that pillow vividly because it had rough edges.) But as the episode progressed, I began to quiet. I remember listening intently to Sam and Molly as they sat on an old bed in Greeley’s home, looking at the letters he’d written to his wife.

“It’s a love letter he wrote her… my God, it’s beautiful… I don’t understand how a guy like this can turn into a monster.” Molly said to Sam. I mirrored that sentiment, in my own way. (I know my situation wasn’t the same.) I’d married a man I’d thought I’d loved. A man I thought loved me. But his actions and selfishness lead to the downfall of our marriage, our family, and my (then) situation. But I had been the one to make the decision to end things, right? After everything he’d done, I couldn’t be with someone I couldn’t trust. And it wasn’t just about me… it was about our children. They needed a mother who was happy…

At the end of the episode, Molly is faced with the reality that she has been dead the entire time and that her husband David had already said his goodbyes, moving on without her.

“What am I supposed to do?” Molly asked, in tears.

“Just… let go. Of David. Of everything. You do that… we think you’ll move on.” Sam responded gently.

Isn’t that what I should be doing? I thought. Because by that point, I’d been stuck in grief and fear for months. I don’t think I knew it until that point, but I’d been holding onto it like a security blanket because it made sense, it seemed like I deserved it.

“But you don’t know where…” Molly responded, her voice still soft with tears.

“No... Molly, you don’t belong here. Haven’t you suffered long enough?” Sam asked. “It’s time… it’s time to go.”

I sat there in stunned silence.

As odd as it sounds, it felt like he was talking to me. Because for years I’d tried to keep our marriage together because I thought I had to for our children. For years, I’d practically raised those three children alone. For months, I had sat in a holding pattern, waiting for my shoulders to finally break under all the weight from the failure I felt and the misery I was drowning in, doing everything I could to be a good mother with nothing to fall back on. But then I watched Molly walk into the light, tears streaming down her face, a smile ghosting across her lips, and I realized… I really had suffered long enough.

“You really think she’s going to a better place?” Dean asked after Molly moved on.

“I hope so.” Sam replied.

“I guess we’ll never know, not until we take the plunge ourselves, huh?” Dean said with half a smirk.

“Doesn’t really matter, Dean. Hope’s kind of the whole point.” Sam said.

And there it was. What I’d been missing. Hope.

This show, these two actors, those two brothers opened my eyes to something that had been right in front of me the whole time. I didn’t know what the future would bring, I didn’t know what I was going to do next. But I was certain I had suffered enough. I was certain I needed to move on, for my children, for myself. And as the episode ended, I wiped my tears off my face, shut off the tv and kissed every one of my sleeping children a few dozen times. And I went to bed thinking about the depiction of that light, that hope.

Two years later, I married my best friend – the love of my life, a good man who never lies, never hurts me or my kids, lifts me up when I feel down, makes me laugh every day, treats me far better than I will ever think I deserve. We had a baby boy together, bringing our family to a total of four amazing kids who all call him Dad. We have our own home which we work so hard for, we have a plethora of animals who make every day adventurous, and I am finally on a career track I feel excited about. All because I decided to stop living in my suffering, and move on.

That is why this show is not ‘just a show.’ For me, anyway. Because of JoAnn and Steven and Jeffrey. Because of the hope I found with the show itself. And I know I am not alone in at least this sentiment.

Every season since, I have watched the episodes. I have followed the stories and witnessed the amazing things this fandom has done for each other and complete strangers. I have seen people’s lives changed by the show and the actors, I have been able to connect with other people I never would have known, and get closer to those I already did. I have shared this series with my children, who all love it and the main characters as much as I do.

And right now, as we get near the end of the series, I am not ashamed to admit that I am hurting. I feel a genuine heartache. A genuine loss. I feel like a part of my history is coming to a close. But like at that moment when my world was inside out and I was trapped in my own little hell, I have hope.

I don’t know what waits for me. I never have. I don’t know what awaits any of us. But this show will never really die. The connections we’ve made, the way the stories and people have touched us… that never really goes away.

Whether we watch Supernatural on repeat on a bad day, or follow the actors as they move on to new adventures, or get someone in our life to start watching it, this show will always be around. Just like hope. And… isn’t it like Sam said? “Hope’s kind of the whole point.”

So, hold on to hope. And message me if you’re grieving, if you need an ear from a fellow fan, or just someone to shoot Supernatural memes back and forth with. We’re a family. You, me, all of us. And I’ll always be here for you.

(P.S. I will ship Destiel till the bitter end.)

Love,

QuietDarkness (stars-are-just-ghosts)

#Supernatural #SPN #forever a fan #season 15 #this isn't the end #hope is the whole point #Sam Winchester #Dean Winchester #Castiel #GISHWHES #misha collins #jared padalecki #Jensen Ackles #some spn spoilers

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sadsapphicslut · 3 years

Text

chapter one - original story (i havent come up with a title yet lol)

okay so here it is!! if anyone actually reads this i love u :) please leave feedback if u have any!!

TWs:

death, drugs, medication, mental illness, references to sex, swearing, alcohol

wordcount: 8.2k

(also i dont think anyone will but im paranoid of people stealing my writing so obligatory dont copy/post to another site or steal my work in any other ways etc)

There were five of us; 4 boys and me. In hindsight I realize from the outside our group probably seemed a little predatory, but it was never really like that. For the most part they were like brothers to me. Of course, being the only girl in a small and isolated club of mainly older boys, things were bound to happen. We were in high school and it was summer, can you blame me? Regardless, however much I loved them, it was not quite in the way my father always assumed or my mother always warned (during our uncomfortable monthly visitations before I managed to get rid of her for good).

The months everything went down, which I often referred to only as ‘The Worst Summer of My Life’, (quite melodramatically but not without reason) were somehow still full of the best moments of my life. Moments I often find myself wishing I could repeat, as nothing has or will ever come close to the way I felt, sitting amongst my boys day after day, somehow light as the warm July breeze that blew past us. My entire body weightless, as non-existent as the time that passed us by. Despite the depression I’d found myself plunged into during the days after my only brother’s death, I truly believe I will never again be as happy as I was then. Laughter seemed to flow freely from our mouths, smiles plastered onto our faces no matter the circumstances, content to just exist. I don’t think I can ever forget the day it was raining so hard the entire city was flooded, but we walked around uptown well past the point of being absolutely drenched, our clothes dripping so heavily the security guard denied us entry into the public library. Something about that day made me feel so free, like we were invisible. Completely apathetic to the whims of the real world, somehow existing only in our twisted minds and intertwined fantasies.

Maybe if I’d had my head screwed on a little tighter, or if we’d met under different circumstances, it wouldn’t have ended the way it did. I used to go down that line of thought every night before succumbing to a fitful but heavy sleep (under the direct affect of 25mg of Quetiapine, working to counteract my Concerta and Lexapro). Those types of irrational thoughts were ones my therapist deemed as my habit for rumination. In regard to the death of my brother she called it ‘bargaining’, one of the stages of grief. I never liked it when she spoke about those stages as I’ve always felt them to be wrong. Maybe because I never quite moved on to the final one, no matter how many years pass. ‘Acceptance’, coined as the “Re-entrance to reality”. Maybe it’s different since I was never really grounded to reality in the first place. I still wake up some mornings, thinking I’ve heard his voice in the other room, ready to beguile me with tales from his day of retail work. Other times I swear I’ve walked past him on the street. Some people may relate to my experiences, with reasonings of ghosts, angels, apparitions, or insanity, among many other causes for the apparent viewing of a loved one long gone to the other side. I never shared these beliefs, but I am not one to deny. Rather, I always take these instances as an omen. A warning. I have come to this conclusion not without evidence, at least circumstantial, given the many occasions over the years – and especially that summer – where I found my hypothesis to be true. All I can say is that I am glad I’ve never been met with the same chimerical visions of my mother; one can only hope that is because she ended up where she belonged. Maybe I’ll see her there, though I hope at the very least they could keep us in separate rooms of Hell if the situation does arise.

From what I know of the others now, which is admittedly not much – majorly due to my own neglect, as opposed to theirs – they share the same prescription for rose-coloured glasses as I. We always were too engrossed with our own romanticization of nostalgia and sentiment that it clouded our view. I often think this was one of the reasons we seemed to fit so well together. Not quite like puzzle pieces, too self-absorbed to hold a candle to that analogy, more like complimentary colours. I wish it could’ve stayed the way it was. We did try, and I never found myself able to fully disentangle myself from James, nor he could to I, but for most of us we could recognize an ending when one arises. I used to find myself using the word tragedy a lot while reminiscing, but I no longer think that word is appropriate. Fate is a more fitting term in my opinion, regardless of if one believes in it or not. “(A)n inevitable and often adverse outcome, condition, or end,” as reported by Merriam Webster. I don’t think there’s a word in the entire English language more accurate in describing how everything ended up; and if there is, I am yet to find it.

Chapter One

A Dead Brother

I have tried to erase the day my brother died from my memory so many times I lost count decades ago. I still find the image seeping into my unconsciousness quite dreadfully on the nights I neglect to take my pills and catch myself waking up with a steady flow of tears that dampen my pillow along with the drool that always seems to pour from my sleeping mouth. The dread that pools in my stomach sometimes being heavy enough for me to lose my lunch. I frequently wonder how people managed to reassure me that it wasn’t my fault; the most painful lie I’ve ever been told and one that seemed to stream from people’s mouths as easily as the mini sandwiches laid in the living room of my brother’s wake were stuffed in. The worst part about being told it wasn’t my fault was how obviously one could tell they didn’t believe what they were saying either. His death was my fault; a fact so uncontestable I wanted to kill myself every time I was reminded of it.

My therapist often tried to remind me that even if his death was “partially” (she always used the word partially, refusing to acknowledge the truth that his death was entirely my fault) my fault, there was nothing I could’ve done to prevent it. This was another lie I despised being told. There were a million ways I could have prevented his death or saved his life and yet, here we are, with him dead and me wishing everyday that I won’t wake up tomorrow. “Begonia,” she’d tell me – she was the only person who called me by my full name, I usually went by Nia, but a nickname felt too personal and I didn’t like her very much – “You mustn’t keep torturing yourself with these scenarios. He’s dead, and there is nothing you can do to change that. I am starting to wonder if you are going to let yourself move on. This isn’t healthy.” That was a line she liked to use a lot, “this isn’t healthy”. As if anything I do is.

Barb, my therapist that is, liked to go over the details of my brother’s death a lot. She often called it a ‘trigger’, which is why she always seemed to want me to talk about it. “Trauma is a horrible thing, Begonia, and you must learn to move past it, process it. I can see you still haven’t managed to do that on your own, and that’s what I’m here for, to help you move on.” Barb was big on the idea of “moving past trauma” and “learning to cope”, she often sounded like a broken record of a motivational speech. I found myself comparing her to school guidance councillors without realizing it, they were about equally as helpful (read: not helpful) in my opinion.

Sometimes I blame my inability to forget and “move past” my brother’s death on the way Barb constantly brought it up and made me go through it. I never quite understood how that part of my therapy was supposed to help me. I asked her once, what good was it doing rehashing the worst day of my life?

“Well, Begonia,” I hated the way she said my name, always so condescending and sour, like even the idea of me questioning her in any way was as impolite as shitting on her desk.

“You have to understand that I only want to help you. You seem to be unable to process your traumas on your own, which is why we need to go through these things. As you are aware, this PTSD,” she always left strange pauses after each letter, her slow tone grinding on my ears, “you have acquired has left you unable to function normally in daily life. I want you to get to a place where you can have a normal life (Ha!) and cope without these meetings. It’s what your brother would’ve wanted.” Barb liked to tell me what my brother would have wanted at least once every session. Putting aside the fact she knew next to nothing about him aside from the intimate details on how he died, I always thought it was an inappropriate thing to say as a psychologist specializing in grief counselling. It never particularly bothered me, I was reasonable enough to realize she was just trying to comfort me, but I never liked the phrase. “What your brother would’ve wanted.” What he would’ve wanted was to not die but we’re past that, aren’t we Barb, as you so often enjoyed telling me.

I have always been quite averse to my diagnoses, ADHD at 14, Persistent Depressive Disorder at 15, PTSD at 16, issues with alcohol and drugs that landed me in rehab more than once. I’ve been on a concoction of different medications since I was 13, even before I was diagnosed with anything officially. Sertraline, Lexapro, Prozac, Ritalin, Concerta, Adderall, Quetiapine, Ambien, Zopiclone, a healthy mix of off brand and branded medications. Sleeping pills, antidepressants, stimulants. I can’t remember a time before monthly trips to the drug store and side effect surveys that I’m not sure if I ever told the truth on. It’s a wonder that people didn’t see a slew of addiction issues coming from a mile away.

I think I’ve always had the most contention with my PTSD diagnosis though, I hate it because I know it’s undeniably true. I wish it wasn’t because maybe that’d mean my brother was still alive, but he isn’t. And I’m left traumatized and bereaved. Sometimes it feels like it hurt me more than it ever did my mother or father. Maybe it did. I should feel selfish for saying that, but I can’t, because they didn’t have to look at him while the life left his body, praying to God for the ability to turn back time. See the moment his eyes glazed over, knowing I’d never get to hear his obnoxious laugh, or make fun of his dumb face ever again.

❈

“Ray, hey listen I need you to come pick me up.”

It was a cool evening in May, the end of spring brought with it the promise of summer and the air had the familiar aroma of daffodils and petrichor. I had decided to go to a party with my friend Faun, my dad having been out at his girlfriend’s place for the weekend and me having nothing better to do. I wasn’t one for partying, but I did like to get high, so I usually just hung around with the rest of the potheads and pill junkies until someone dragged me home or I fell asleep. That night Don, a friend of a friend of a friend, had brought coke and E and we were all determined to get as fucked up as possible. Faun only ended up doing one line before running into a bedroom with some guy whose name started with an M – was it Martin or Marvin? Maybe it was Mickey – and left me sitting on the couch beside a girl who was about 1 more shot of vodka away from passing out.

I had fully intended on doing some coke, but the E seemed to be hitting harder than I was used to. I was sure my Ritalin had worn off by then but maybe I was wrong. As I stood up to get a glass of water I nearly fell over and decided to sit back down. Turning to face Don, I tapped him on the shoulder trying to get his attention.

“What was in that molly?” I was vaguely aware of the way my words were slurring, but I felt weirdly energized. I was aware my heart was beating a little too fast, but I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I knew what ecstasy felt like, this was not nearly my first time doing it, but I felt really wrong.

“Don!” He turned to look at me and I felt uneasy. His eyes looked a little crazed – not that out of the ordinary but given the circumstances I was worried – “What the fuck did you give me?” It felt like I’d done 5 lines of coke in the last 2 minutes and I knew that E had been spiked.

Don’s face had an unmistakable expression of guilt written on it as he leaned down and whispered in my ear, his voice shaking, “I think it was cut with meth.” Fuck. My stomach dropped. I have to get out of here. I quickly shot up from the musty couch I was sat on, carefully holding onto Don’s shoulder so I didn’t fall, my legs still feeling unsteady. I opened my phone; the screen was too bright, and I had a hard time maneuvering it as I attempted to exit the house. Clicking the green Messages icon, I sent a text to Faun – e ws cut w meth im lesving – with shaky hands and burst out the door into the fresh air. I clicked my brother’s contact and pressed call.

It rang four times before he picked up.

“Nia? Why are you calling me it’s like 1am?” I could tell from the smooth tone of his voice he’d been drinking. He didn’t very often but he had an appreciation for cocktails and enjoyed getting buzzed now and then. He still was a year from being legal to drink but his friends we’re all 19 and 20 and bought alcohol for him. I found him fun when he got drunk, becoming talkative and giggly, but right now I wished so badly for him to be sober.

“Ray, hey listen I need you to come pick me up.” I was slurring, my voice a bit too pitchy to pass as anything but high. I knew he didn’t like it when I did this, but he never ratted me out. Sometimes I wish he did, maybe I never would’ve been able to go to that party in the first place.

I could hear a door shutting on his end, I assumed he was going into a different room. “What’s wrong?” My skin was bubbling with anxiety at the prospect of having to tell him what I did.

“Fuck, uh… I did something stupid. I’m at Emily Goguen’s, y’know up in Champlain Heights. Please pick me up.” I rarely used the word please.

“Nia, what the fuck did you do?” I almost started crying but I found my eyes to be bone dry.

“Please don’t yell.”

“Okay, really, tell me what is going on or I won’t come get you.”

“I accidentally took meth.”

“You what? What the fuck, Nia! Fuck this I’m on my way and I’m fucking telling Dad.” I cringed but I knew he was going to before I even called. The pit in my stomach grew deeper as the buzzing of my skin grew stronger. I could feel myself getting higher, everything was so clear and standing around was making me grow restless. Ray huffed on the phone and I heard him entering his car.

His tone was softer the next time he spoke. “I’ll be there in 5, just stay put, please. Do you want me to stay on the call or can I hang up?”

I felt like a child, which I was really, only 16 at the time, a whole life ahead of me. Still, I was grateful for the way he spoke to me, reminiscent of being 6 and getting a scrapped knee after falling off my pink Razor scooter. The high made me edgy, and my voice was sharp to my ears, “No, you can hang up.” I heard the click to indicate he’d done just that, and started pushing my cuticles as I waited, the task somehow greatly interesting me, and I did not realize until later I had managed to pick off all of the skin around my pointer and middle fingernails during the five-minute wait.

Ray pulled up exactly five minutes later in his ugly, blue 2011 Ford Fiesta he’d gotten the year prior after passing his driving test. What I wouldn’t do now to smell the inside of that car once again, a distinct attar of pineapple car freshener and Old Spice deodorant mixed with stale black tea, faintly present due to his ever-growing collection of empty paper cups from various different fast foods and coffee shops.

I stumbled into the car, feeling the strong impulse to clean the space, but attempting to push it down. From the passenger side overhead mirror I could see my blown pupils and sweaty forehead, pieces of my copper red hair sticking to my face. My freckles were showing through my concealer that had mostly worn off and I wanted to cover them back up. My skin was pale from winter (and probably the drugs in my system) but my cheeks were flushed like I was drunk. My high cheekbones made my face look gaunt in the lighting, but my face was wide which balanced it out, so I didn’t look completely skeletal. Ray was looking at me, the worry apparent in his eyes, but his face was flushed as well, and I could tell he’d been drinking a bit too much to drive. I had my license as well, but it was clear I was in no condition to take over on that front, so I didn’t bother saying anything. I wish I had. There’s a lot of things I wish. I wish I hadn’t gone to that party; I wish I hadn’t taken that E; I wish I called someone else; I wish I waited it out at Emily’s; I wish I walked home; I wish I took a cab; I wish I waited for Faun; I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish.

“Are you okay?” He didn’t take his eyes off me as I shut the mirror in front of me.

“Yeah, yeah I’ll be fine. Please just take me home.”

“Is Dad there?”

“No.”

“Maybe I should take you to Mom’s.”

“No!” I’d moved out of my mom’s completely just over 6 months ago, barely seeing her once a month. It was one of the best decisions I’d ever made. She never liked me much anyways, the feeling was entirely mutual. Ray seemed to have a close bond with her for some reason despite how she treated him like shit. I never called him out though, he no longer lived with her, so I didn’t really care what their relationship was as long as she wasn’t hurting him. She did treat him significantly better than me, however, so I figured maybe he managed to forgive her the way I never could.

“Okay, but I’m staying with you until Dad gets home. I’m not gonna lie to him about this shit. Fucking meth, Nia? Seriously?”

“It was in the molly.” He sighed and started driving.

My brain felt like it was filled with butterflies, or ants, some kind of movement that was itching at my skull. The paper cups scattered around were making me anxious and I needed to clean his car. I began picking at my nails again, but I needed to pick up those cups, you see. I turned around and started gathering the ones Ray had discarded in the back, filling up an empty plastic bag from Best Buy. I was fully switched around in my seat, nearly crawling into the backseat to reach the trash my brother had left. I felt him tap my side, I looked over at him and he started to scold me.

“Nia, stop that will you, you’re distracting me.” But I needed to finish gathering the cups. The car was dirty, and my skin was itching, the traffic lights burning my skin. I was elated and I didn’t want to listen to him, he was just trying to get in my way. I continued to lean over, not registering the swerve of the car as he looked over at me.

“Nia – ”

He turned over to push me back into my seat, his eyes leaving the road for no more than a few seconds. This time I felt the swerve as we broke into the next lane.

This is where I have a hard time piecing together what happened. From what I was told, we ended up running directly into a 2015 Dodge Ram 2500. In case you understandably have a lack of knowledge when it comes to cars, that is a very large, sturdy, and expensive pickup truck which I would probably consider the last vehicle you’d want to charge headfirst into while going 70km per hour. I don’t recall the actual incident of hitting the truck, whether that be from the drugs, the position I was in, or hitting my head on the roof of the car, I don’t know. What I do know is that when I woke up, we were in a ditch on the side of the road, with the car flipped upside down, and my entire body was screaming at me to Get Out!

I felt blood oozing sluggishly from my head and noted some indistinct pain in my right wrist where it had scraped something pretty badly and gotten twisted, but I otherwise felt alright. I couldn’t tell if the cloudiness in my head was from a concussion or the earlier events of the night, but I figured it was probably good I was awake, regardless of how dazed I seemed.

I turned my head to the left and was greeted by a view I will never be able to forget, it having been branded to the insides of my eyelids, scorched in my mind. Ray, with his left arm twisted in spectacular fashion, reminding me of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, after Lockhart spells away Harry’s bones. My brother had always been squeamish with broken bones and I hoped he wasn’t aware of how his limb looked at the moment. His head was bleeding quite profusely, and I was alarmed despite how many times I’d heard in movies that headwounds bleed a lot. His eyelids were fluttering, irises appearing glassy and unfocussed. And then I saw it. A piece of glass was stuck in the left side of his neck. The windshield apparently had broken with the impact and my brother was lucky enough to get a piece lodged right in his trachea. It was thick, bright red blood – that I could’ve sworn was sparkling in my current inebriated perspective – was gushing out the side, so heavy I could smell it, taste it, in the air. I was frozen once I realized.

Do something, do something! Put pressure on it! Call 9-1-1! My mind was screaming at me, but it was all I could do to sit and watch the blood stain his clothes. He was wearing the corduroy jacket I’d gotten him for his birthday and a white button up, the red seeped into them until it was as if they’d always been that colour. My voice was caught in my throat, but I managed to push some sound past.

“Ray?” It was weaker than a whisper but in the silence that seemed to envelope us in that car, completely independent of the outside world and sirens that could surely be heard from blocks away, I knew he would be able to hear me.

He looked up, eyes focussing slightly on me, and a tear slipped down his face, only it went the wrong way since we were still upside down. He mouthed the words “I love you”. We never said that to each other. As close as we were, our relationship had always been more comparable to that of a best friend than sibling. We weren’t overly affectionate, never hugged or said I love you, hung out for enjoyment rather than as a punishment. Most people didn’t know we were brother and sister until we pointed it out, we never really looked alike and were absent of the traditional distaste and rivalry usually present between siblings. I knew, as he looked me in the eyes and said those words, this would be the last time I’d ever see him outside of a morgue.

I sat in my seat next to him with dry eyes, wishing desperately I could cry, needing to express the feeling of utter horror and despondency that completely overtook my body and mind, but I couldn’t. Barb told me time and time again that I was in shock, there was nothing I could’ve done, but I will never be able to believe that. I still remember the moment the final tear slipped down his face. He smiled at me, pain evident in his eyes. His entire body was covered in the metallic smelling red, and I wanted to vomit. I wish I could say the crash had sobered me, but it didn’t, not really. I was still entirely in a daze as I saw his muscles relax, smiling falling from his face, eyes not quite rolling back all the way but enough to give me nightmares for the next 20 years. The life had been absorbed from his body, leaving a heavy shell. I was told afterwards this all happened within the span of 10 minutes, but it felt like years. By the time the first responders had appeared I was an old woman. Grayed hair, and arthritic bones. Mourning for the brother I’d lost oh so many years ago, when I was just a girl. I think in a way I died in that car with him, I never was really the same. But who would be? Best friend and confidant, older brother, idol, dying in front of your eyes as you do nothing, knowing for the rest of your life that his death is – was – your fault. Knowing you could’ve done something, anything really, to prevent his untimely loss of life before the paramedics arrived. If I’d been the same after that night I would have to be much more disturbed than I ever thought.

I sat in that car beside Ray’s corpse for 3 more minutes before I heard the sirens closing in around us – me. I thought I might pass out, either from the toll of what I’d just witnessed or from my concussion, but I remained upright, probably from the adrenaline. I couldn’t move so I just waited, and hoped I’d die too before anyone reached the scene. It would be much preferrable to any other outcome I could think of at the time. I could vaguely register the pain in my wrist, but I felt so numb I’m sure you could’ve shot me in the foot and I wouldn’t have blinked.

A young fireman named Walter ended up getting me out of the car. The door was smashed and stuck which meant I’d been trapped in there either way. I was happy I hadn’t bothered trying to escape as I'm terribly claustrophobic and finding out I couldn’t would have thrown me into a proper panic attack. The fireman was incredibly nice, saying reassuring things the entire time they were opening the door with the “Jaws of Life”. I ended up seeing him again in the hospital actually, or at least that’s what my father told me. He wanted to check in on me and left me some hydrangeas in a vase. I always preferred chrysanthemums but I'm not that picky when it comes to a floral arrangement.

After the door was busted open I was carried out by Walter. I was shaking and apparently babbling nonsense but in my head I was trying to tell them to save Ray. I wasn’t really aware of all that much, completely blind to the crowd of spectators that had rudely gathered to witness the violence – wasn’t it supposed to be taboo to stop at a car crash? Wondering vaguely about what happened and wishing you could get a better look as you drive past the scene. My head wound had made me a bit incompetent and the meth in my system was really not helping the entire situation.

I was laid on a gurney and rolled onto an ambulance. I don’t remember much about the ride; the sirens, the bright lights, a paramedic named Alice who spoke softly, smoothing out my hair while the other put an oxygen mask on my face (which I wasn’t entirely cognizant enough to question though now I'm not really sure why they did it) and splinted my wrist. Alice asked me if I was on drugs and I nodded but was unable to speak when she asked me what ( I would find this a common occurrence after the accident, my voice seemingly stolen alongside Ray’s). She just nodded and said something to the other ME that I didn’t quite pick up. She asked if I could tell her my name and I shook my head. She must’ve noticed the iPhone in my pocket and grabbed it, turning to the medical ID page.

“Is your name Begonia?” I nodded, though the name sounded foreign on my ears. I liked the way Alice said it though, she had a light Spanish accent and a matronly tone that made me feel safe. I wondered if she had kids of her own; she looked young, but my own mother had me at 19 so who could say? She told me her name after complimenting mine. “Begonia is a beautiful name; I love the flowers. I’m Alice, okay? We’re gonna make sure you’re alright and take you to the hospital.” Her voice was sweet like syrup and I became sleepy as she spoke.

“No honey, you can’t fall asleep yet. Just stay awake a little bit longer and I promise you they’ll let you sleep at the hospital.”

I don’t remember anything of the rest of the ride to the hospital. I was dropped off at the Emergency Room at the Regional, head still too foggy to allow me to recall anything before I was sitting in a white bed, in a white room, with white sheets and a light blue hospital gown on. It was morning and my father was sitting at the end of my bed in an uncomfortable plastic chair, his eyes bloodshot and moist. He’d very obviously been crying for a long time and my chest panged with guilt. I reached up to feel my head and realized there was a cast on my wrist. With my other hand I touched the cotton that covered my forehead, wincing when I felt the sting of what had to be stitches in a nasty gash. I would spend the next 5 years of my life with a variety of diverse haircuts that attempted to hide the ugly scar that served as a reminder of the worst night of my life. Even now it is still extremely obvious, but I can’t be bothered to try and hide it, I so rarely look in the mirror that it wouldn’t matter if my skin turned blue.

My dad hadn’t looked up, so I attempted to gain his attention but once again found my voice failing me. I tapped on the bed a few times before he seemed to realize and face me.

“Nia… how are you feeling?” His voice was raspy and thin. He reeked of cigarettes and stale coffee, though this wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. I remained silent as he looked at me, searching my face for something I'm not sure he found.

“Nia, I, I'm not sure how to say this to you.” Here it comes. Almost worse than watching my brother die, the confirmation. “Ray, he’s, well dead.” I saw my father’s eyes begin to tear up again as I stared straight ahead. I couldn’t feel the sobs that racked my body, nor the hot tears streaming from my eyes. I saw my dad start to move closer but sit back down when I flinched. Of course, I knew my brother was dead; I had front row seats to watching the event happen, but somehow I still didn’t believe it until the words left my father’s mouth. According to my dad, who many years later described to me how eery the whole event was, my sobs were completely silent, and I was entirely unaware of everything happening around me. This dissociation lasted the first few days after the accident, and the entirety of my hospital stay. Leaving the blissful gap in my memory I have now.

Barb told me this was my mind’s way of coping with the tragedy and stress of what happened. I was honestly just happy I had an excuse to skip some of the dreadful retelling she forced upon me.

❈

The funeral was of course a depressing and solemn event. I was still yet to speak and found myself thankful for the way people gave up on trying to get me to communicate. I dressed in a black skirt with a black short sleeved button up. A dark coat thrown around my shoulders as the cast on my right hand was too big to fit through the sleeve. I looked terrible, barely a week out of hospital before I watched Ray sink into the ground. The wound on my forehead was still quite nasty, though it looked better than it did before. I tried to cover it up with my hair but was unsuccessful. I got bangs soon after.

The matter was very traditional, taking place in a church even though none of our family was really religious. It was only the second time I'd ever been in a church, the first having been for my cousin Julie’s wedding when I was four years old. I don’t remember anything of it aside from the material of my dress itching at my neck and making me rather miserable. Of course, not nearly as miserable as I was the day of the funeral, sitting in a pew at the front of the church, listening to a priest claiming Ray would’ve wanted us to celebrate his life. I knew this not to be true; Ray was extremely dramatic and would’ve cherished the thought of everyone he’d ever spoken to moping around for weeks after his death, beside themselves with grief. He sometimes referred to himself as “Romeo” after having been broken up with by another girl he was supposedly in love with, stating he better just stab himself in the heart now if he couldn’t have her. On the rare occasion he broke up with a girlfriend, he’d lounge around, eating ice cream, pretending to not be upset and comparing his cold heart to that of Richard VIII. The concept of him being any different over his death was almost comical; Ray was nothing if not predictable.

I sat beside my father, who sat beside my mother (it was an extremely awkward arrangement that neither I nor my father cared for) and seemed to have the idea that I could evaporate if I thought hard enough about it. Unfortunately, I did not evaporate, or even come close to it, instead finding myself exactly where I'd been the whole time. I mostly tuned out the service, only really paying attention when my father and Ray’s best friend, Jake spoke. I managed to escape the duty of having to speak that day thanks to my fragile mental state and mutism. Though I'm sure I would’ve been forced all the same if I had been able to talk in any capacity, regardless of where my head was at.

Faun was sitting in the pew behind me, feeling quite guilty about the whole ordeal. Or friendship dissolved soon after, I think she blamed herself for taking me to the party. It didn’t bother me too much though; we were never the closest and I sometimes thought her to be extremely annoying. An endless stream of shitty boyfriends that she only acquired so she could further repress her sexuality. When we were 14 we kissed at a sleepover and she admitted she was in love with me. I felt bad for not returning the feeling and our relationship had been on rocky territory ever since. I don’t understand how she thought she was in love with me since she barely knew anything about me, but either way she never brought it up again and soon after the monsoon of boytoys had begun.

My brother’s friends and ex-girlfriends also attended the event. I didn’t approach any of them, far too scared they’d blame me for the death of their friend. One of them, Alex, went up to me to say how sorry he was about everything that happened. He was crying quite heavily (I later found out he was the friend Ray had been drinking with and the second last person to see him alive) and I could smell alcohol on his breath. I stood there while he spoke, telling me about how great my brother was as if I was wholly unaware. Body waving side to side as he stood with his hand on the wall beside me. He offered me some bronze liquid in a flask, and I obliged, savouring the burning sensation that followed in my throat. Alex’s voice was steady and deep, reminding me of my father’s. I’m not sure how long we stood there, him spinning a fantastic web of anecdotes and stories about my brother, some entirely new to my ears. We passed the beverage back and fourth until it was empty. My head felt lighter and heavier somehow simultaneously, and I found it much easier to listen to Alex talk. Later he tried to kiss me in my bedroom during the wake. His mouth was sour, and his tongue seemed too big for his mouth. I wondered how he was able to talk so much without it getting in the way.

We moved in procession to the cemetery after the service. The grass was a vibrant green colour, and I didn’t understand how the world kept turning after Ray’s death, for mine stopped the moment his heart failed to beat. The sky was a lovely shade of cyan-blue, with clouds so perfect they seemed animated. Pink carnations were planted near the outskirts of the yard and I could smell spring in the air; a heavy, floral aroma that never failed to comfort me. I thought it should be raining, it felt inappropriate that the weather refused to match my despair. My mind wandered as we approached the empty grave and I considered what it would be like if Ray was here beside me. He’d probably be making jokes, telling me to lighten up for a minute or my face would get stuck that way. He’d mock my silence, saying how I never managed to shut up for a minute before but suddenly I'm as proper as a nun. I'd smile, ruffling his hair to piss him off and try to refrain from laughing aloud. The absence of him only felt stronger as I imagined this scenario, so I shoved it out of my head.

The casket was lowered into the ground, my father was a pallbearer and I often think about how he must’ve felt carrying his son’s body before watching him being buried. My mother sobbed loudly which annoyed me, it felt a bit exaggerated. I had a few tears falling from my eyes but mostly, I just felt numb. Incredibly and absolutely empty inside. To onlookers it may have seemed as though we weren’t very close, my reaction being similar to that of his ex-girlfriends’. However, this didn’t account for the loss of my voice, or the broken state I was in mentally. Maybe it was better that my reaction was rather dulled. It meant people didn’t feel the need to approach me as they did my mother. Less concerned given she was the one playing up her emotions to the point of embarrassment. My father cried, more than I but far less than my mother. He didn’t cry very often – I'd actually only seen it once prior to the whole event – and I figured he probably needed it. At this point I felt as though I'd shed enough tears to last a lifetime so Ray wouldn’t mind if I was a bit subdued in comparison. He never was a crier anyways.

As I sprinkled soil onto his casket I imagined he was right beside me, watching, ready to criticize as usual. The dirt stained my hand, clutching the sweat and turning my skin a muddy brown colour. As I wiped the dirt on my jacket I could hear him nagging about how I better go wash my hands, what was I, a six-year-old? He was in denial about me growing up and took every chance to remind me I was still just a kid. Not that he had much on me, but I enjoyed it. I never was one to shy away from attention; at least not before. Little quirks and inside jokes between us were always some of my favourite things, the type of humour you could only get from living with someone your whole life. No matter how much his memory will fade there are some things I can’t let myself forget. His mocking tone when he’d make fun of me is one of those things. If I ever managed to let go of that sound then I must be dead as well.

The sun beat down on my back, my skin burning in my black clothes. I wasn’t sweating yet, but most of the men around were – suit jackets aren’t exactly known for their breathability. My nose was dry and aching red, sore from how much I'd been wiping it the last couple days. Still the sweet seeping tinge of flowers and spring managed to crawl into my nose, settling underneath my skin, the buzzing from before had returned, I could feel my heartbeat loudly in my throat and had the desperate urge to just run. Instead, I just followed the rest of the party, sitting down in the passenger seat of my dad’s car. The silence that settled over us was uncomfortable and stale. He turned on the radio, Led Zeppelin filled the air around us, thankfully relieving some of the tension. I felt in my left pocket for one of the carnations I’d picked from a nearby grave earlier. The flower had begun to wilt, heat taking effect on its delicate composition. When I got home I put it in between the pages of my oldest copy of Romeo and Juliet. Ray would have found it funny if he was around to see.

The drive to my mother’s house was short and minimally awkward. We sat in silence – aside from the music – only because there was no alternative. My hand remained clutched around the dying flower in my pocket as we left the car and entered the home. Other people had already arrived, clustered in the living room, picking at tiny ham sandwiches and various desserts my mother had undoubtedly stress-baked the day before. I wasn’t hungry so I sat as far away from the food and people as humanely possible while staying in the living room, not wishing to hear my mother’s scolding about how I need to socialize more. Eventually I managed to slip away into my old bedroom, where Alex was sitting on my bed drinking a mickey of Smirnoff I assumed he swiped from my mother’s freezer. He offered it to me, and I accepted, the weird repetitive déjà vu like act, mirroring earlier and making the whole day feel like somewhat of a dream.

When I went over this part with Barb she always felt the need to emphasize that it wasn’t a dream. I knew this, obviously, which I told her every time, but she was inclined to disbelief when it came to my denial over my brother’s death. “Begonia, you must realize he’s gone. Dwelling is helping nobody, especially not you. This isn’t a healthy mindset for you to have. Always comparing living to your dreams. I want you to tell me you understand this isn’t just some dream you can wake up from.” The first time she said that to me I was thrust into a bout of wordlessness, as it struck a bit too close to home. The next time she brought it up I just told her of course, though even now I still cannot say I fully understand. How can I when all of my assumptions have been constantly disproven time and time again. How can I ever say this isn’t a dream when I'm not even sure I'm real? James always tries to reassure me, “Bee, I'm telling you, if you can feel this beat, the pulse in your wrist, your neck, your chest, you are alive,” he’ll say while pressing my hand to my wrist, but we both know it isn’t that simple.

Me and Alex made out for a few minutes until I managed to excuse myself. He was a bad kisser and tasted disgusting. I left him sitting on my old bed while I went downstairs to find my dad. He was sitting at the counter with a can of root beer, blank expression sat upon his face. When his eyes met mine he sighed, grabbing his keys out of his pocket. It was obvious neither of us wanted to be here, for numerous reasons, so we left. And if the radio stayed off as we drove home we didn’t acknowledge the silence that time. In my hand was the crumpled carnation, and for some reason it made my chest hurt. A deep ache of dread. I could feel my heartbeat, hear it over the drum of the car engine, and I crushed the flower further. I was careful not to rip it though, as if that was crossing some kind of invisible line my mind had set for me. My fingers felt waxy when I finally let go.

Back home, I opened the copy of Romeo and Juliet. I retrieved the deteriorating plant from my pocket and placed it in the center. Closing the book, I stacked it under a few dictionaries, a magazine under it so it was trapped on either side. I sat down in front of it and cried. Not the huge gasping sobs my mother seemed to fancy, nor the quiet weeping of my father. No, I cried the tears of a child who just found out their grandparents died, the soft uncomprehending grief that overcame them as they first learned what death really meant. How long forever was. My legs pulled up to my chest, hands loosely hung around knees, unable to clasp together because of my cast. I closed my eyes and I swear I could hear the sound of Ray sighing behind me, but when I opened my eyes I was alone. I went to bed, earlier than I ever had in my life, still believing it was a dream and I'd wake up like Alice after her adventures in Wonderland. But when I awoke, I was met with the slow, oozing perdure of my reality. The one which I could not wake up from, and the one where my brother was dead.

#my writing #writing #original writing #original content #original fiction #creative writing #dark academia #tw death #tw drugs #tw mentions of sex #tw swearing #tw mental illness #tw medication #alo writes

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mhdiaries · 4 years

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Wave 2 Diary of Clawdeen Wolf

September 7th

I had my first Advanced Creature Economics class today and my head is already spinning. I thought I was just going to be learning about supply and demand. I had no idea that there was so much theory involved. If I had known AC Econ was going to be this detailed… I would have taken it anyway. I have to know this stuff cause when I start my own fashion empire I won’t be able to afford to hire monsters who are experts in this stuff and when I can afford to hire experts I need to know that what they’re telling me is the truth not just what I want to hear. Too bad Ghoulia isn’t in this class I would love to be able to pick her brain on this stuff.

September 12th

Most days I feel like I could drink wolf’s bane tea from a silver chalice and ask for a refill. Today was not one of those days; although it started out like it would be. Howleen had a creepover at a friend’s house – amazingly enough she has them – and Clawd had an early morning practice so I had the shower and hot water all to myself. The new pair of shoes I’d saved for, and ordered online, arrived yesterday after school so I was going to get to wear them today. The outfit I picked was perfectly matched to the shoes and I should have gone back to bed and declared the day a success. But I didn’t. I got to school and I’m showing off my new shoes when I noticed that I somehow missed a large patch of fur on the back of my left calf. No problem right? It happens. Especially with how much I have to shave. So I always bring an extra razor with me… except today… okay still no problem cause I always keep a backup in my locker. Only this backup is as dull as Cleo’s stories about her royal life in Egypt. Class starts in five minutes and if I’m late I get detention. Ghoulia tells me it’s hardly noticeable but to me it feels like I have a sweater growing on my calf. I run to the bathroom with my razor and Draculaura comes with me. Now I have two rules about shaving.

Always use a sharp razor.

Never get in a hurry.

I broke them both and of course I ended up cutting myself which is no big deal… usually, but this time Draculaura saw the blood and fainted. I spun around to catch her and when I did the heel on my right shoe snapped. Now I’m holding a razor in one hand, I have blood running down the back of my leg, and every time Draculaura wakes up she immediately faints again. At this point in the chaos one of the alley brats I mean werecats, Purrsephone I think, walks in and immediately starts yowling “She’s killing her!” It’s the first time I’ve ever seen Headless Headmistress Bloodgood have to use her nightmare for crowd control. Eventually everything got sorted out although my day ended up with me being barefoot, bandaged and banished to detention. Yay me. :-(

September 14th

I’ve finally broken in my new pair of soccer spikes. I get strange looks from the monsters on other teams when I wear them because they have open toes. I grew up playing barefooted and I like the feel of the ball on the tops of my feet. I would still play barefooted if the rules didn’t say I had to wear shoes “for safety” – whatever. Okay, so I found these “regulation” spikes that let me play by the rules and still play comfortable. I think they were made for monsters that grow horns on the tops of their feet because there is this big open spot on top which I’ve been able to modify to my liking. I suppose I would worry about some monster stepping on my feet if I thought any of them could catch me ;)

October 7th

I don’t know what Clawd did to pull Spectra’s chain but she’s been telling any monster that’ll listen he still has feelings for Cleo. It may or may not be true – gotta consider the source of the info – but any thoughts I might have had about having dealt with my hard feelings towards Cleo were definitely wrong. I do know this; Her Royal Annoyance and I are about to have a talk and it is going to happen sooner rather than later – I’ll bet my favorite pumps on that.

October 12th

Can some monster please explain to me why I have to write an essay on my heritage when I have an older brother who’s already written one? I asked Headless Headmistress Bloodgood if I could just sign my name at the bottom of Clawd’s but she insisted that I write my own because “although the horse and rider travel the same road together each sees it from a different perspective.” I hate it when she trots out that horse philosophy. Of course Clawd wrote his essay first and took all the easy stuff that every monster already knows. How about this? Werewolves are pack monsters and from the time we are born we’re part of a huge extended family. Aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews and grandparents are always around. We have our own language, which doesn’t have a word for privacy, that is spoken only in the presence of other pack members… I won’t even break this rule… and when an alpha from one pack greets an alpha from another pack, the first says, “The pack is strength” and the other replies, “The pack is life.” I could go on about the traditions, pack rivalries, the passage to alpha status, blah, blah, blah. Maybe then I should write something from a totally different perspective like about how I consider my friends as part of my pack too. Draculaura, Frankie, Lagoona, Ghoulia, Cleo… Cleo and Deuce; that’s a vampire, lab creation, sea monster, zombie, mummy and Gorgon – maybe not a pack by birth but definitely a pack nonetheless. We have traditions, rivalries, our own freakishly fab, scary cool language and of course everyone knows who the pack alpha is… Ghoulia ;)

October 13th

Never thought I would actually be sitting in my room wishing that my hair would grow faster… I’ve had a lot of hairstyles but never one so bad that I had to shave it all off and start over. I heard Howleen asking Clawd if she could borrow some batteries for her camera. If that little weredork takes a picture of me I’m going to duct tape her to the bottom of her bed.

October 16th

Frankie and Draculaura bought me a scare package at the Maul to help cheer me up about my hair, which was really scary sweet of them. Of course they wouldn’t have known about my hair if Clawd hadn’t told them. Almost makes me feel bad I brought out the family picture albums and showed them shots of him as a cub… almost.

October 18th

Dear Clawd,

Thanks for the real story on what happened between you and Cleo – finally. You know I totally respect that you are an honorable monster who keeps his word but I just spent an entire year being angry about something I shouldn’t have. I will take some of the responsibility for not asking you directly about the situation but I guess I just made a monster assumption about Cleo and ran with it. Don’t get me wrong, I still think she’s arrogant, demanding and an absolute hearse wreck when it comes to her fashion sense, but I guess I’ve got to give her credit for not adding two-timer to that list. Might be time to patch things up in my MH pack. From now on though, I promise that I will ask you directly and not jump to conclusions. Even if you tell me to go howl somewhere else :-)

October 22nd

OH MY GHOUL! Howleen “borrowed” my favorite corduroy jacket and wiped her nose on the sleeve – so disgusting!!! I swear sometimes she acts like she was raised by humans. Honestly I don’t even know how we’re related. Somewhere my real sister, the fashionable one who would rather wear a pair of shoes THAN CHEW THEM, is waiting for her fairy god monster to switch her out with this furry gargoyle thing that has obviously taken her place.

October 26th

Draculaura? Really Clawd? So out of all the ghouls at Monster High you decide to get the warm and furries for my best friend and confidante? Whatever. I’m fine with it. Really, really, really fine with it. My heart feels like it’s slowly being crushed inside my chest but the rest of me is just really, really fine.

#monster high #monster high diary #clawdeen wolf #wave 2

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bi-makes-pie · 4 years

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"I'm her best enemy" Playlist [ PART ONE - Songs 1 to 30]

Click READ MORE to see the whole list

1. Nemeses (feat. John Roderick) – Jonathan Coulton I mostly see this as being in the Master’s POV.

“Could it be that you need me To keep you out, to run you faster Promise me you'll let me be The one, the worst of all your enemies”

2. Crazy – Burn the Ballroom 12 to Missy. This one is quite cute. He does calls her mad, but we all know the Doctor isn’t exactly the perfect picture of sanity either.

“She had problems with my love connections So she bought me bullets and she made corrections (…) I'd say crazy, doll, but you've got something different I'd say complicated but that's your kind of rhythm I'd say lost and you'd say love

But you're crazy not to see That you're crazy just like me...”

3. Silence – Citizen Shade This kinda makes me picture the Doctor trying to give in and settle down with the Master (any version) while dealing with the inner conflict that they’re far too cruel for their taste.

“I found peace in your violence Can't tell me there's no point in trying I'm at one, and I've been silent for too long”

4. Dangerous Man - Little Dume This alternates between the Doctor’s POV and the Master’s. But you can also interpret it as being 100% about any version of the Doctor, since they do have a dark side.

“Every bone in my body's bad Fire's burning, the skies are turning black They say I'm a dangerous man” “Can you hear the storm's a coming I'm a silver in the lining There's a spark in me They say I'm a dangerous man Better run fast as you can Don't you look back”

5. Under Covers – LeRiche A bittersweet song about two people who had this precious friendship and love for each other, and about how distance can keep it all bottled up but once they give it a chance, they immediately go right back to the start. Just fits them very well, if you picture a happy ending to their relationship.

“I don't know why you're looking for a friend I'm right by your side But out here from a distance You won't look me in the eyes Without your love, I think I could die Then you let me in, we go back to beginnings When we were just friends hanging out on the ceiling We'll laugh about love and how we felt for one another And I love the way we make up under covers”

6. The Scientist – Coldplay A song about longing to make things right again and with little analogies involving science? I mean…

“Nobody said it was easy It's such a shame for us to part Nobody said it was easy No one ever said it would be this hard Oh, take me back to the start”

7. Renegades – X Ambassadors The “They actually stole a TARDIS and ran away together from Gallirey” AU we need so much

“Run away with me Lost souls and reverie Running wild and running free Two kids, you and me And I say Hey, hey hey hey Living like we're renegades”

8. Love is War – American Young I like how cute this song is and yet there is a bit of a dark twist. Fits them.

“Sometimes love is all that can save us Sometimes love can kill a man Yeah sometimes love is a soft touch Or a pistol in your hand Sometimes love is a white flag (...) Sometimes a cannon ball But it's worth fighting for Baby, sometimes love is war”

9. Bury a friend – Billie Eilish (Cover by Pomplamoose) Master’s POV. Can apply to any of their regenerations but I think of Simm!Master the most, since Ten tends to run towards him rather than walk away from him.

“What do you want from me? Why don't you run from me? What are you wondering? What do you know? Why aren't you scared of me? Why do you care for me? When we all fall asleep, where do we go?”

10. Come as you are – Nirvana (Cover by Imaginary Future) Best Enemies, everyone. Master’s POV again.

“Come as you are, as you were As I want you to be As a friend, as a friend As an old enemy (…) And I swear that I don't have a gun No, I don't have a gun”

11. Turn – The Wombats Academy!Era, Doctor’s POV. Theta (Doctor) clearly has a crush on Koschei (Master) and they’re both love being chaotic together.

“I like the way your brain works, I like the way you try To run with the wolf pack when your legs are tired I like the way you turn me inside and out I like the way you turn I like the way your brain works Baby, it's the crazy I like I think I saw the world turn in your eyes”

12. Run – Snow Patrol Master’s POV if he was ever able to be honest about his feelings. Some parts can easily be read as the Doctor’s POV too.

“You've been the only thing that's right In all I've done And I can barely look at you But every single time I do I know we'll make it anywhere Away from here”

13. Maps - The Front Bottoms The Doctor’s POV as their relationship deteriorates after the Academy and he plans to steal the TARDIS and leave Gallifrey and his friend behind. I had to help myself from quoting the whole song because IT REALLY FITS SO WELL.

“There is a map in my room, on the wall of my room And I've got big, big plans (…) You say 'I hate you', you mean it And 'I love you' sounds fake It's taken me so long to figure that out I used to love the taste, I would do anything for it Now I would do anything to get the taste out of my mouth (…) "And what about your friends, Don't you love them enough to stay?" And I say, "If I don't leave now, Then I will never get away." Let me be a blue raft on the blue sea, I'll blend right in”

14. Old College – The Mountain Goats This fits the tiresome, sad, manipulative and draining part of their relationship.

“The warning signs have all been bright and garish Far too great in number to ignore (…) Our love has never had a leg to stand on From the aspirins to the cross-tops to the Elavils

But I will walk down to the end with you If you will come all the way down with me”

15. Like a Staring Contest – The Future Kings of Nowhere Covers the end of their friendship and start of the new enemies dynamic.

“I'm so tired of open warfare When the point of this was to be best of friends (…) When you fall in love as hard And recklessly as you and I do It seems that the final act should have The same intensity as the first scene”

16. Poison and Wine – The Civil Wars Reminds me of 12 and Missy but before Series 10.

“You only know what I want you to I know everything you don't want me to Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine You think your dreams are the same as mine Oh I don't love you but I always will”

17. Genesis 30:3 – The Mountain Goats The mentions of a past relationship and the following lines followed by drums really make me picture this as Simm!Master and Ten getting a happy but bittersweet ending.

“For several hours we lay there, last ones of our kind Harder days coming, maybe I don't mind Sounds kind of dumb when I say it, but it's true I would do anything for you”

18. Blood Under The Bridge – Frightened Rabbit Could literally be any version, but I picture Dhawan!Master and 13 making amends here, mostly because he might be crazy and frenetic but behind that façade he’s clearly way more tired than she ever will be.

“And it's alright, it's alright It's just blood under the bridge And I'm too tired to fight And you're sick of feeling sick And so am I It's alright It's just blood under the bridge”

19. Even Though Our Love is Doomed – Garbage Missy’s POV. You can interpret this like her train of thoughts and reflections starting from early Vault days to the last time we see her on-screen. Reluctance, guilt and then the resolution.

“Come a little bit closer I need to understand Why we kill the things we love the most (…) Can you love me for what I've become Love me for what I Said that I would not become 'Cause they don't burn like I do (…) And even though our love is doomed And even though we're all messed up You're the only thing worth fighting for” You're the only thing worth dying for”

20. Starlight – Muse 12 and Missy during the episodes World Enough and Time and The Doctor Falls.

“Now I'll never let you go If you promised not to fade away Never fade away Our hopes and expectations Black holes and revelations”

21. Control – Halsey This screams Missy to me, especially since she literally incorporates the character of the evil nanny in her book (The Missy Chronicles) and in Big Finish’s audio dramas.

“I'm bigger than my body I'm colder than this home I'm meaner than my demons I'm bigger than these bones

And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me" I can't help this awful energy God damn right, you should be scared of me Who is in control?”

22. Enemy – Woodlock End of Academy!Era. Yet another song which reminds me about their early fighting days and the end of their friendship.

This is where it begins At the start of an end I could no longer pretend No more, you walked out the door You’re my enemy

23. Why Can't We Be Friends? – The Academic The title says it all. The lyrics also mention how the relationship is always turning into something new, so I had to associate with the longest friends to lovers to enemies we’ve ever seen on television.

“This world is pointless If you're not here This world is pointless If we're not self-destructing love And it falls and it breaks and it turns into something new And it falls and it breaks and it turns into something”

24. Wish That You Were Here – Florence + The Machine Doctor’s POV, in the days when he regrets leaving Gallifrey for a couple of seconds before turning to occupy his with something else. Because he knows that even if he went back, things aren’t the same and everyone has changed – including him.

“And I never minded being on my own Then something broke in me and I wanted to go home To be where you are But even closer to you, you seem so very far

And it's beautiful but there's that tug in the sight I must stop time traveling, you're always on my mind”

25. No Light, No Light – Florence + The Machine This one makes me picture the first moment the Doctor realized his friend had changed too much and had to choose between his own feelings and standing for what’s right. This happens A LOT in the show, but I imagine realizing that for the first time was the hardest.

“But would you leave me If I told you what I've done And would you leave me If I told you what I've become No light, no light in your bright blue eyes I never knew daylight could be so violent A revelation in the light of day”

26. Dancing with the Devil – Wolf Gang This alternates between the Master’s POV and the Doctor’s POV.

“If you're the chosen one How does it feel to be loved by no one? If you're the number one Where do you run to? Can you hide behind the sun? You say that there's no oxygen again You're forcing down the lies but you always get your way Something tells me that this was all arranged You tricked me once again”

27. Skeleton Park – Kasador Master’s POV. “You know, back in the day, I'd burn an entire city to the ground just to see the pretty shapes the smoke made” (Missy, in The Lie of the Land, Series 10, Episode 8)

“When the house is on fire Air fills my lungs I satisfy desire From watching all you run Yeah the house is on fire Hear the sirens scream My hands hold the lighter It fits so naturally”

28. Elastic Heart – Longfellow What I love the most about the Doctor (all versions) is how they keep fighting for what is right despite their own feelings being hurt or despite how much it may cause them pain. I love what this character represents, and those lyrics reminds me so much of them.

“Oh why can I not conquer love? And I might have thought that we were one Wanted to fight this war without weapons And I wanted it, I wanted it bad But there were so many red flags (…) Yeah, let's be clear, I'll trust no one You did not break in here I'm still fighting for peace”

29. Bite Back – The All-American Rejects “You think you've broken me? You'll have to try harder than that” (The Doctor, in The Timeless Children Series 12, Episode 10). Same unbreakable side of the Doctor, but this time she definitively resents it a little more than usual.

“You couldn't break me in the end And such a freedom I enjoy When you're deaf to the sounds you trust If that was all you've got, my friend Then set yourself to disappoint”

30. No Children – The Mountain Goats Listen to me here: this covers the whole “They were married way before they started to hate each other back on Gallifrey” fan theory.

“I am drowning There is no sign of land You are coming down with me Hand in unlovable hand”

[ PART TWO TO BE ADDED SOON ]

#doctor who #thoschei #doctormaster #best enemies #my playlists #playlist

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arandompostarchive · 3 years

Text

SALEM - Ch. 16

SAVED WORK

Summary: In all the centuries of your existence, you had never been dragged out of hiding by another god, put in a superhero team and forced to save the universe. But it seems your luck has run out.

_____________

Salem was nothing like he remembered it.

The town was quiet. No soft shouting in the background, or small children running around, bumping into him. You hadn’t sensed his arrival and run out to meet him with your usual wide smile.

There was nothing.

In fact, he smelled fire, ash, and some sort of cooked meat.

His nose wrinkled at the scent. He had never liked the smells fire left behind for whatever reason. He walked into the town and immediately sensed the use of magic. The grass was wet with red, but there were no bodies in sight. He was sure he sensed recent magic, maybe someone had decided to clean the place up.

But from what he could tell, there weren’t any humans around to do that. He looked around more, trying to figure out exactly where you were. Looking closer, he saw there were a few bodies, though they had been burnt to char. His eyes widened. He became a bit more nauseous now that he was able to identify one of the smells.

The bodies, whoever they were, seemed to have been haphazardly thrown by someone else. The saw the town’s square, a stacked of burnt wood in front of its usual decorations. There was another body tied to it, also burnt. It seemed less charred than the others but was still most certainly dead.

He rushed over to it. There was a nauseating squish sound beneath his shoes, a small amount of blood splashed onto his pant leg, staining the fabric. He recognized the woman there, he was sure of it. He couldn’t place it though.

The skin was charcoal black.

He ran his hand over the face. The red-black of the skin flaked under his head and he struggled to identify what he felt.

It was most certainly your magic.

It floated around the burnt wood, hovering in the air. It was stronger than he had ever felt it before. Strangely strong. It almost reminded him of his mother’s power. A strange, intense type of magic.

This had to be you. There’s no way you, even if you were a demi-god, could release this much power unless it was revenge for your own death. They had killed you.

He felt an extreme type of rage. A boiling kind of rage. The kind that bubbles in the pits of your stomach and makes you see red. He could feel water run does his face. He hadn’t even realized he’d started crying until he felt the tears drip from his chin.

He untied the body. He managed to teleport over to a nearby bench, something he had never perfect it. He’d never use it for long distances, but small ones were do-able.

He laid you down next to the lake he had met you at and slowly started at the sun. It was a sunrise instead of a sunset, and somehow that made this all worse. The universe had given you a sunset at the beginning and a sunrise at the end. Everything seemed to be backward. He would’ve laughed at the circumstances, but all that came to his ears was silence. His silence.

Your hands were frozen in place, creating a terrifying statue. An actual person etched in time. He used magic to drift your body out before allowing it to sink.

Loki woke up sweating, his shirt sticking to his back. He was breathing heavily as he whipped his head around, looking at his surroundings. His room. Rather the one Stark had assigned him. It didn’t quite feel like ‘his’ yet, but it was where he was supposed to sleep. Thor had somehow convinced the man of iron to let him stay on the same floor as you and share a small common area with you. Leave it to Stark to make over the top living areas. Usually, he wouldn’t mind silence. Especially since he spent his childhood with Thor, who wasn’t exactly known for being quiet. But with the knowledge that you were supposed to be there too, it felt unsettling. Odd.

He ran his hands over his face, feeling the sweat on his forehead. He had been dreaming about you. He didn’t want to get Stark’s hopes up. He may not like the man, but Loki wasn’t cruel. That and he’d seen rock fall from above him as he left. He was too far sense where you were, not that he was even sure where he should be looking. He wasn’t certain how to get to Kalan from Earth, Kalan to Earth, he’d much rather find a ship and fly. If you were dead, there was no point in going now. If you weren’t, you were probably already on your way. Either way, waiting seemed to be his only option.

He hadn’t spent any time outside of his room, aside from the day or two he was in the Avenger’s medical wing. Some of the team had come up to his door, asking questions.

Peter was the first one. He tried asking what happened, but Loki simply ignored until the boy eventually left, telling Loki that whatever happened wasn’t his fault.

It didn’t help.

Tony came several times.

At first, it was yelling. Mostly questioning why he was there and you weren’t.

And of course, there was Thor. Thor was concerned about Loki’s health, encouraging him to eat or get out of his room. It never worked.

Then, late that night he heard the soft, recognizable footsteps of the spider boy.

“Hi, Mr. Loki.” Peter started. There was a chair next to Loki’s door. Peter wasn’t certain who had put it there, but he pulled it closer to him and sat down.

“She left that note behind when you first left.” Peter held the letter in his hand. “Seemed like she wasn’t sure if it was a good idea in the first place.”

Peter’s hand was shaking. He could hear shuffling behind the door. He took a deep breath.

“I’m just going to read the note.”

Hello, all.

Well, this letter certainly won’t be the nicest thing you’ve ever read.

Sorry.

If this actually opens, I’d say chances are high that I’m dead. Don’t give up hope on me completely though. But, still.

Moros is still dangerous. If I’m not back, we probably didn’t manage to kill the asshole. I’m sorry. I’m sure I tried, but fighting isn’t an exact science, you know? I hope you’ll eventually forgive me for leaving without you.

Cap, you never really liked me. I was hoping that maybe by breaking the rules successfully, you might have more respect for me. I guess I failed that one. I’m sorry I never really proved myself a worthy teammate.

Tony, you are the best brother I never wanted. Thanks for showing me more about technology and humanity. It’s been a while since I’ve spent this much time with mortals. I know you’re upset, and I’m sorry. All my life I’ve wanted to be the hero. The person people think of when they need help, someone they feel they can rely on. You showed me I could do that. And for a moment, I really was a hero. I doubt you understand how much that meant to me.

Peter, I hope that project went well. Sorry I couldn’t help. I’ll miss you, kid. You’re smarter than you give yourself credit for. For once, just let yourself be in the spotlight, huh? You may not be an official Avenger now, but you will be. I promise.

Loki. Hopefully, I’ll find a way to save you even if I can’t save myself. I loved you years ago. And well I wouldn’t use the word “love”, I definitely feel strongly for you now. Maybe we could’ve been something again. I hope to see you in Elysium.

Everyone else. I didn’t know you well. I hoped that we would be close. That I would be a real part of this team, but it never seemed to happen. Still, thank you.

Your name was signed messily on the bottom. You had clearly been rushing. Peter was sure he heard something on the other side of the door. Your letter may speak about you like you were dead, but you asked him not to give up hope.

So he wasn’t going to.

Tony didn’t speak too much. I spent most of his time in his lab, which wasn’t too different from his norm. But he didn’t seem to make the same jokes. He hadn’t called anyone a nickname in a good few days. But even Nat missed Tony’s sarcastic comments.

Peter tried his best to get through to Tony, and Tony was clearly trying his best to make Peter feel better, but it didn’t seem to be helping either of them.

Loki stayed away from everyone. Everyone took turns bringing him up food. Most of the time he ate it, though sometimes he just didn’t want to get up. Losing you once was hard, losing you twice was taking a toll.

He went over every detail of the past two weeks in his head. Moros and Ker, Kalan, then hell itself. The small, chaste kiss you had planted on his lips before sending him back to Kalan. He wished he held it just a second longer. Maybe argued against you more. Tried to stay in Tartarus as long as he could. But no. He didn’t do any of that.

Centuries ago, you were the greatest person he had ever met. Nothing had changed.

***

On your travel, you dozed off more than once. Piloting a ship alone was boring. Insanely boring. And it’s like finally being alone let your body catch up with the events of the past two weeks.

Two weeks.

It seemed like longer.

Much longer.

You weren’t certain how long it took you to get home. Space was pitch black, and it was harder to navigate than you’d like to admit.

Over your life, you’d spent time in space. Gods were used to that sort of thing. But that doesn’t mean it was somewhere you liked spending your time.

You were sure it was at least a few days before you began to recognize the star patterns. By then, the ship was running low on whatever fueled it. You were thankful you didn’t have to teleport yourself again, you weren’t sure if you could handle that again. Physically or mentally.

The small patch over your eye made it difficult to see, much less find your way to Earth. You had never really gotten to see the stars around Earth up close, and although they were beautiful, you had much more important things to do.

You paced around the back of your ship, waiting to get the alert that you were entering Earth’s atmosphere. You let out a small groan. Not like there was anyone around to hear you.

It was silent. Eerily silent. Not a single sound around and it was beginning to drive you insane. You had started humming songs you’d learn over the past few hundred years. Some melodies you had overheard a century ago, other modern songs you had heard Stark playing in his lab.

You paced and hummed, trying to create some sort of sound besides the drowning quiet of space. Eventually, you heard a small siren sound, and the front windshield of the ship flashed red. A symbol came up in a language you hadn’t seen before. Thank the gods for Allspeak.

It seemed to be the Kalan equivalent of an exclamation mark, which was never good when accompanied by sirens and flashing lights.

You rushed to the front looking over some of the systems. The ones you understood at least. It seemed you were approaching Earth’s atmosphere far too fast.

You sat down in the pilot’s seat and steered the ship. Hopefully, it would stay intact enough to land.

***

Loki had spent the two weeks sitting in his room or in Tony’s garage. It had the body of the ship you had stolen. Tony didn’t want to rebuild it, so it made for a nice quiet place that nobody would look for him in.

He had brought a few books down, mostly Midgardian ones you had shown him centuries ago. Everyone was preparing to fight Moros, and he had sat in on more than a few strategy meetings. They mostly consisted of him repeating the same information over and over.

But the garage was quiet.

He paced around, picking his palm. It was a bad habit he had picked up from his mother over the years, but it helped calm his nerves. As he walked back and forth, the metal beneath him creaked. It was less than stable, which wasn’t reassuring, but at the moment he wasn’t particularly worried.

As he walked toward the back of the ship, he heard a soft crunch beneath his feet.

He lifted his boot and some broken petals fell from his shoe. It was the flower he had discarded into the ship after it had scratched you. He picked it up. The petals were only beginning to dry, and some were still the same soft purple they had been before. It really was a pretty color.

One thorn of the rose-like flower still had a small bit of blood on it. He frowned at the now dried liquid. He carefully set the flower aside and sat down on the floor, his head in his hands.

He took a deep breath before the ship shook. There was some sort of loud sound in the background and a few seconds went by before he heard a voice address him.

“Loki, Captain Rogers has asked you to meet the team outside immediately. He has also said you may need your armor.”

Loki sighed and stood. It felt more like clawing his way out of a whole than simply walking out of the garage. His armor appeared on him as he walked outside. He heard some yelling and other voices in the distance. And maybe someone crying?

When he stepped outside he saw a ship that had landed. Well, it was closer to ‘crashed’ but it was certainly better than his landing.

The man of iron and the Captain were yelling at each other, and he saw a body lying on the ground. He walked a bit quicker toward the group. The closer he got, the better he could hear the argument.

A doctor rushed past him toward the body, sitting next to the spider boy. She seemed to be checking vitals, and she gestured to someone behind him before a few other doctors walked past Loki with a stretcher. They picked the body up (which he could now tell was a woman with a large scar and a patch on her face).

“Tony you need to calm down. For all we know, Moros is coming here now. We need to wake her up as soon as possible.”

“I don’t care Steve. I thought she was dead. Everyone thought she was dead. She wrote a note saying she was dead! Let her relax for five seconds, will you?”

Peter was trying his best to get you up. At the very least, he wanted to make sure you were alright.What the hell had happened? The was a slight, still raw-looking scar on about half your face, though it was partially covered by a white and red patch. He assumed the red was blood, but did his best to ignore that.

Steve and Tony were yelling in the background, everyone else was talking amongst themselves and interjecting every so often. Thor and Clint had gone in to get Cho not too long ago and help her with any supplies she’d need and soon they had all returned and you were taken away. Loki had arrived, and Peter saw his face shift into one of horror as you passed.

“What is going on?” Loki said, rapidly looking between Tony and Steve.

Steve sighed before answering. “It seemed Y/n is alright. Broadly speaking that is. We need to wake her up immediately and get her back with the team. It’s not ideal, but we need information and we need it now.”

Tony rolled his eyes. “She needs rest. Whatever happened to her obviously took a toll. She’s missing a fucking eye! At least let her heal a little bit, god man.”

“She’s a god, you’ve heard her. She heals fast. She’ll be alright. She needs to push a little longer, I know it’s not—”

“You’ve never liked her. I get it, really I do. A random girl shows up and her ex is the guy who tried to take over the world. But she needs longer than a few minutes of rest. If we woke her up, she’d say she’s fine and just push through it. I know better than anyone that she’ll just crash and burn. Now, I’m going to go stay in her room with Cho. If you get a few more brain cells, come visit.” Tony walked off.

“Tony, that’s not it at all.” Tony didn’t turn back, he simply continued the walk toward the tower.

“With all respect that is due, Captain.” Loki started, facing Steve. “She’ll need recovery before she is capable of helping in any way. Stark is correct, she’ll only pretend to be alright until she eventually tires herself out. Then she’ll be of no help at all. It may be best to ignore Tony’s offer of visiting. I’d rather not have to hear another one of those fights in the near future.” He too turned away, and Peter followed after them quickly.

Loki was still slightly numb from the shock of actually seeing you.

Were you okay?

Where have you been?

Why didn’t you go with him?

What happened to your face?

***

You sat up quickly, your hair sticking to your forehead. For a second, you panicked that you couldn’t see out of one eye until you remembered the past… however long it had been. You could feel your shirt sticking to your back. You tried your best to take deep breaths and figure out where the hell you were.

There were a few people sitting around the room.

“Hey, you’re alright, it’s us.” You heard from right next to you. It startled you for a second before you saw Tony’s face next to you. You let out a sigh of relief and slowly lay back down.

Peter and Loki were both asleep in chairs on the other side of the room. Peter had a blanket draped over him and a piece of paper crumpled in his hand.

“Hey, kid.” You laughed a bit.

“Tony I’ve been alive longer than you were a thought in the back of your parent’s head.”

“Okay, okay kid.” You smiled at him. You missed him.

“How long have you been waiting?”

He sighed and sat back in his chair. “I think you’ve been out for around 24 hours? Cap isn’t happy about waiting this long to talk to you about what happened.” You nodded, sensing there was more he wanted to say. “Listen, I understand wanting to be the hero, I really do, by why on Earth would you try to make us think you were dead?”

You sighed. “Because I’ve fought with my siblings before. Fights usually last a little while before my mother steps in and breaks it up. I thought that would happen. If it took more than two weeks… I was fully expecting not to be here. I’m sorry.”

He nodded a bit but stayed silent.

Loki’s eyes slowly opened in his chair before he stood up and walked over to you.

“Are you alright? Do you feel okay?” He was showing more emotion in front of Tony than he usually would, and you suspected he was just too tired to keep on his usual straight face.

“Loki, I’m fine.” You smiled at him. Tony stood up and let Loki pull his seat closer to your bedside. Tony went to wake up Peter before he dragged him out of the room. Peter seemed more than a little upset, but eventually nodded at Tony and followed him out of the room, offering you a cheerful smile as he walked away.

Loki wrapped his arms around you, pulling you close to his chest. He had about a million and thoughts rushing through his head at once, and he wanted to ask you all of them.

Wherewereyou?Whydidyouleavehim?Whathappenedtoyourface?Howareyoualive?Howdidyougetback?Wheredidyougetthatship?Whatsortofuniformwereyouwearing?Haveyoueatenrecently?Didyouevenhavewater?Howlongwereyouinspace?Wereyoutravelingthewholetimehewasgone?

But that didn’t matter right now. Whatever happened, you were at least alive. He’d take what he could get.

#loki x reader #loki #salem #saved work #fanfic

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star-spangled-eyes · 4 years

Text

Dirty Mind: Part 1: Simple Man

This alternate universe fan fiction uses characters created and owned by Pixelberry Studios. Character names, descriptions and likenesses are owned by Pixelberry Studios. Some dialogue and events in Book 1 of TRR are property of Pixelberry Studios. The MC, Bragnae Bennett, and story is created and owned by this author.

Book: The Royal Romance (Alternate Universe)

Alternate Universe Theme: Drake’s perspective

Pairing: Drake Walker x MC (Bragnae Bennett – *pronounced Brawn-yah)

Warnings for this miniseries: NSFW, Adult content, suggestive and strong language, angst, sex (including character’s thoughts and innuendos)

Masterlist

A/N: I wrote this miniseries in the first person perspective of Drake Walker. It follows events in Book 1 of TRR, but not everything is as you’d remember it from the story. Some things have been altered to better fit this fanfic.

I really enjoyed getting into the brain of Drake, and I hope you like it too. He’s a stud, and I love his sexual, angsty mind.

There are THREE parts to this miniseries. They will be released tomorrow and the following day. Enjoy!

Word Count for this chapter: 8707

Permatags: @burnsoslow @cora-nova @dcbbw @thorfosterlove @emceesynonymroll @edgiestwinter @of-course-i-went-to-hartfeld @msjr0119 @notoriouscs @drakewalker04 @pedudley @desiree-0816 @choices-lurker @kingliam2019 @loveellamae @drakexnadira @flutistbyday2020 @indiana-jr @yukinagato2012 @i-bloody-love-drake-walker

My name is Drake Walker and I have a dirty mind. I know what you’re thinking. Of course I have a dirty mind, I’m a guy, right? Well, I have to concede that one for that very fact, but it’s more than that. To me, a mind consists of three major influences that can make it dirty.

First, are the things you wish you could say to people, but it wouldn’t be proper including the wide variety of curse words known to the world. Next, are all the crappy experiences in your life that muddy up your outlook. I can admit, I’m snarky, angry a lot and a real pill sometimes, but it all comes with the territory. And last but certainly not least is sex.

What an incredible experience. So incredible that it’s constantly on my mind. Countless dirty questions fill my brain like when is the next time I’m going to fuck someone, where will it be, what position will she be in? Oh, the thoughts are endless. Throw in a particular woman? You’re fucked — mentally. That’s me right now, in case you were wondering. More on that in a bit.

The female body is the most beautiful work of art that God ever created — of course there are exceptions. Like when a woman has a smoking hot body but her personality is so hideous that her sex appeal is lost. At least to me it is. There’s plenty of those around, but thankfully, there are some that surprise you. The ones that have it all — endless talent, sense of humor, dazzling personality, and such stunning looks that you have to pinch yourself to make sure you’re not dreaming.

My brain has been working overtime ever since she walked into my life. Well, butted into my life is more like it. And it’s been hell. Everything was just fine before she came along. Not great, but fine.

I live in the royal palace in a small Mediterranean country called Cordonia. I know what you’re thinking and no, I’m not one of those stuck up noble pricks. My best friend might be the Crown Prince, but he’s not one of those pricks either. If he ever tried to be, I’d damn sure call him out on it. I wasn’t born into this life with a fancy title or hundreds of acres of land in my name.

I was born to wonderful parents, who despite their status as commoners in the kingdom, made me feel like I was the richest kid in the world. Not by money, of course, but with life experiences and lessons only those who work hard for a living can impart to their children.

My dad was a part of the King’s Guard in charge of protecting the two princes before he eventually moved up to Head Guard watching over the King and Queen. He’s Cordonian, born and bred.

My mom stayed at home with me and Savannah, my younger sister. She was born in a small town in Texas in the United States, but stayed in Cordonia after meeting my father during a European college trip she took with her friends.

They fell in love almost immediately and were each other’s best friends. I’ve always looked up to them. Always thought how great it’d be if I could find that too. I often dreamed of meeting a beautiful woman who I not only was in love with, but we were as close as two people could be. Friends, lovers, partners. What a fulfilled life I’d live.

Of course, that meant I’d have to actually find a woman who was willing to put up with my sarcasm, moodiness, and the permanent scowl on my face. And to be honest, it wasn’t looking that great.

Back to the dirty mind thing — don’t worry, I didn’t forget. As I was saying, a dirty mind can develop over time as a result of many things. And I’ve been through a lot in the 27 years I’ve lived on this earth. Okay, fine. It’s not as dramatic and horrible as some people have endured, but I’ve had my fair share of shit thrown at me.

My dirty mind, in particular, consists of many dirty words. You’re listening, so you might as well get used to it now. I cuss... a lot. You would too if you had to hang around the palace every day dealing with snobby, rich assholes who think their shit don’t stink, and that it’s perfectly okay to treat people beneath them like undignified trash. These people have no idea what life truly has to offer. All they care about is their political status in the kingdom, and how they can make more money doing as little for it as they can.

As you can imagine, I have to keep a lot of my thoughts to myself. Unfortunately, you’re going to have hear them all. Consider yourself warned.

My dirty mind also consists of all the shitty things that’s happened in my life that’s left a bad taste in my mouth.

Remember my dad? Head of the King’s Guard? Yeah, well, he was killed while attempting to save the king during an assassination attempt. That sure was nice growing up without a fucking father. I was 13. A brand new teenager with raging hormones and in desperate need of a strong, male role model to keep me on the straight and narrow. It fucking sucked. My dad was everything to me. He was a friend, a teacher, and the best father in the whole world.

When he died, I had to step up to be the man of the house. Sure, my mother was strong — she’d always been strong. But she was having a hard time coping with dad’s death. Savannah was only nine at the time, and was made fragile by the sudden and horrific change in her life.

I didn’t want my mom and sister to worry or feel unsafe with my dad being gone, so I immediately filled that role. And it was fucking hard at first. There was no time for me to cry or grieve because I had to be strong for my family. I had to show them it was all going to be alright even though I had no fucking clue if that was actually true.

My dad’s partner in the guard was Bastien Lykel. He was a great guy. About half my dad’s age, but just as competent. He learned a lot from my dad, but also brought natural talent of his own to the table. Anyway, after we lost dad, Bastien sort of stepped in for us. Not that he ever tried anything with my mom or pretended to be our father — he knew better than that.

On his off duty time, Bastien would spend most of it with my family. He’d tell us stories about working with our dad and help mom with any chores around the house. As time went on, Bastien kept up with what he could, but got increasingly busy with work as he moved up the chain in the King’s Guard.

Mom never really got over dad’s passing. I don’t blame her. I didn’t either. I still miss him every day. But she handled it differently. Money was a real struggle after he passed. It was something she constantly worried about.

Liam, my best friend and prince of Cordonia, talked his father into letting us move into the palace. The king was more than happy to oblige. He was grateful for my dad’s sacrifice so that he may live, and must have noticed how we were struggling. It was kind, and not what I expected as a commoner.

I was 16 by the time we had settled into our new digs at the palace. Savannah was over the moon about it. She always loved hanging around the noble girls her age. She was into all that crap. Fancy dresses, gaudy jewelry, fake smiles. Not that she assimilated to them. Thank God for that. Despite adoring that pretentious life, Savannah remained down-to-earth and never forgot her roots.

It wasn’t long after that when Mom left to move back to the United States. Yeah... wasn’t that swell? Not even a full-fledged adult yet and both parents were absent. Dad died protecting the king, but mom straight up left us. Don’t get me wrong. I love her and will always love her. I know she had to do what she needed in order to deal with losing dad. So did I. But it was hell on Savannah and me.

Mom must have noticed we were strong and independent enough to live on our own. We had stable living quarters at the palace, and were well taken care of in regards to basic needs: food, warmth, shelter. So... she split. Went back to her family ranch in Texas. We talk on occasion, but there’s definitely more than an ocean that comes between us. Hopefully, someday, we can repair that disconnect.

Okay, now that you know a little bit more about me, let me tell you about this girl. Her name is Bragnae Bennett. I first met her in New York when Maxwell, Tariq, and I took Liam to the States for a guy’s only trip — a bachelor party of sorts. Liam would soon have to choose a woman to marry that would eventually rule at his side as Queen of Cordonia. This trip was meant to forget about all of that and have fun – just us guys. At least that was my plan.

On the last night of the trip, we stopped in a crumby bar for a late dinner and drinks. And there she was wearing a white collared shirt, black pants and a maroon apron ready to take our order. Listen, the first time she strolled up to our table, my jaw nearly hit the floor. Luckily, she was looking at the other two as she introduced herself, which gave me a chance to wipe the figurative drool from my mouth.

Long, silky black hair pulled into a messy bun on top of her head, naturally tanned skin, sparkling amber eyes, and delicious curves that would elicit an arousing response in any man. And it did. Maxwell and Tariq were just as captivated as I was, not to mention Liam, who stepped into the bar a minute later. Now it was her turn to be captivated. Of course she was. They all were.

Liam stood six feet and two inches tall – two inches shorter than me, I might add – and he was nothing short of a blonde Adonis. The ladies already swooned for him because he was the prince, but take that title away, and he’d still have no problem adding notches to his bedpost. With his ocean blue eyes and well-proportioned body, Liam was every woman’s wet dream.

So, you can see why Bragnae would immediately turn her attention to him as he made his way to our table that night. We enjoyed our burgers, drank a ton of whiskey, and all stole glances at the goddess that was our waitress. Then, Liam boldly asked her to join us after her shift was over. A part of me was more than happy to have more time to look at her, but a bigger part was annoyed.

Obviously, she was taken with Liam, so there went my chance with her. I never stood a snowball’s chance in hell with women when Liam was around. Yes, I can admit that the good Lord blessed me with attractive features. Brown hair that looked good at any length with eyes to match, a strong jaw line, and the ability to chisel well-defined muscles on my body certainly helped me get laid. It damn sure wasn’t my personality. But with Liam there? It was no contest.

You’d think it’d be easy for me to hate the guy, but I can’t. He’s my best friend. My brother. We’ve been friends ever since we were kids, and we’ve always had each other’s backs. I’d do anything for him, and I have. Dropped out of college, a life I was keen on living away from Cordonia, and came back to keep Liam company after an attempt on his life. I wouldn’t give up my own happiness for just anyone. There’s few people I care about in this world, and Liam is one of them. The rest can all fuck off.

So, as you can see, I put up with all the bullshit for him. He needs me. He needs someone to give it to him straight, to keep him humble, and to keep him safe from all the selfish vultures that lurk around the palace wanting more for themselves than for their Crown Prince.

So, when Liam showed interest in Bragnae, I had no choice but to back off. It was stupid as hell for him to get her hopes up for the one night. Then again, maybe that’s all she wanted. A hook up. From what I understand, none of that occurred. At least a kiss and maybe some light fondling if I knew my friend. But whatever transpired between them that night after they snuck out of the club together was enough to prompt Bragnae to make a life changing decision to temporarily move to Cordonia for the chance to compete in the Social Season to win Liam’s hand.

Ugh. The Social Season. Don’t even get me started on that. As if Liam didn’t already have a parade of ladies vying for his attention, the kingdom made it a season for the prince to choose his future bride.

And Bragnae accepted Maxwell’s invitation to take part in it. I have to admit. I lost some respect for her when I saw her climb aboard our private jet back to Cordonia. I thought she was just another crown chaser, but believe me, I didn’t think that for long. She proved me wrong almost immediately.

I won’t bore you with everything that’s happened since she arrived in Cordonia, for your sake – unless you want me to tell you how many pathetic times I stroked my dick thinking of Bragnae, wishing I was inside her instead. Don’t worry, I’ll give you the highlights though.

Obviously, I wouldn’t be telling you any of this if the damned woman didn’t mean something to me. With her being a suitor for the prince, I knew she was off limits. Maybe that made me want her more. I don’t know. But she was more than just a pretty face and a sexy body. God, the dresses she wears. I get hard just thinking about it. The way she elegantly walks into a room, swaying her hips in an unknowingly sexy way grabs my attention every time. I’m not the only one.

Being the exotic foreigner, Bragnae had captured the attention of many men and even some women with her alluring ways. She truly was the complete package. She knew how to have a good time, spoke her mind, and was gracious, even to those who didn’t reciprocate. And oh boy, did she give me the business. Still does. It’s like I’m her number one target that she attempts to crack. She always wants me to have a good time. What did I do to invite that kind of attention from her?

I’m quite set in my ways, but damn if she hasn’t already broken down some of my walls. I hate her for it. Okay, more like, I hate that she was able to do it. She makes me smile, damn it, and I’ve worked on this scowl for years. How could she do this in such a short amount of time? I’ve come to the conclusion that she’s some sort of temptress. She has to be. Someone with mystical powers of enchanting men, and bending them to her will.

Yeah, I’ve got it bad, but there were specific occasions that led me to believe she might also be into me as well. I know, I know. As I’ve already established, no woman passes up Liam especially for someone like me. So, I’m sure I’m fantasizing about this.

Aside from a few looks and smiles she had cast in my direction at the Masquerade Ball and derby, there were some instances that felt deeper. Like when we went to Lythikos, and that witch Olivia mocked me and my sister for no reason whatsoever except to be cruel. Bragnae stood up to her for my sake, which I wasn’t expecting. I hauled ass out of there wanting some fresh air and a chance to see a meteor shower. Low and behold, Bragnae followed me out.

We ended up having a heartfelt talk that came out of nowhere. I think this was the first time I really started to like her. I was attracted to her from the beginning, but it was when we were lying in a snowbank looking up at the shooting stars above us when I felt a twinge in my heart. I badly wanted to reach out to her, but knew that wasn’t appropriate. As the snow started the fall and we walked back to Olivia’s estate, Bragnae surprised me by slipping her hand into mine.

I instantly felt electricity from her touch. I was almost too stunned to speak. She told me it was for safety, but I could see the truth in her eyes. We had connected in that moment, and holding her hand felt right. There was no way I was letting go. So, we held hands until we reached the manor. Everything changed for me after that night.

Perhaps it was just me and my wishful thinking, but ever since we left Lythikos, I felt that Bragnae was intentionally getting closer to me – physically. It seemed she would find ways to touch my arm during a conversation or sit by me when the opportunity presented itself.

After the Royal Regatta, we went to the beach for a little fun in the sun. She insisted on rubbing sunscreen over my back. I protested only for appearances. Thank God only the ocean could see my face because I was having a hard time keeping my sanity as she rubbed her soft hands up and down my shoulders and back. It sent a shiver down my spine.

Then, she let me return the favor. God, it was amazing. I had a legitimate excuse to touch her… in public… and she was wearing a swimsuit. Up until that day, I hadn’t see more than flirty cleavage when she wore her dresses. She was so close to being naked that day that my heart nearly stopped. As I worked my hands over her back, my eyes traveled down to her glorious ass. Her cheeks slipped out a bit. As soon as I felt my dick twitch, I knew it was time to bail.

We jumped in the ocean soon after that. Seeing Bragnae dripping wet from head to toe quickly moved to the number one slot in my spank bank. The release I had later that day after remembering our shared touches, and seeing her so deliciously drenched by the ocean was amazing.

And just a few days ago, after we arrived in Applewood, it was my birthday. Liam told Bragnae even though I asked him to not make a big deal about it, damn him. So, Bragnae took it upon herself to organize a night out at a country-western bar in town in honor of my birthday.

If it was anyone else’s suggestion, I would have heartily declined, but I was curious what she had planned, and definitely wanted to see her in a bar setting with a cold drink in her hand. When we arrived, she took me up to the bar and got me a free drink. She chose whiskey – my favorite. She didn’t make me suffer with some embarrassing girly drink. No, she ordered my most favorite libation on the planet.

I let it slip that I thought she was hot, and of course she called me out on it. There was nothing this woman missed. Later on, we found ourselves on the dance floor, and of all people, she shimmied over to me. Even though I told her I was a rotten dancer, she delicately placed her hands on my hips and told me it was as easy as swaying to the beat. She smiled up at me with a glimmer in her eye.

I could chalk it up to it being my birthday, and that’s why I received so much of her attention that night, but the vibes I was receiving from her was more than a friendly gesture. And as if that night wasn’t already better than I anticipated, I willingly shared a sappy story about my childhood birthdays with her, which prompted an unexpected embrace from Bragnae. She pulled me in tightly, her breasts smashed against my chest and her arms clutching my back as she stood on her toes to hug me.

I was stunned for a split second before my brain told me to wrap my arms around her soft, warm body too. She smelled like a fucking angel – citrusy and sweet. It’s my new favorite scent.

You’re all caught up now. Maybe you see what I do, and maybe you don’t. Either way, I’ve got Bragnae on my mind constantly, and it’s becoming a problem. I even began calling her by her last name in an attempt to seem nonchalant and casual on the outside, when I’m really about to hulk out of my own skin because I want her so badly. Hopefully, she couldn’t tell.

I’ve been trying to hide it for the past month now, and it’s becoming more difficult by the day. I don’t want to tell her how I feel, even though I really do want her to know, it’s not right. She’s here for Liam, and that’s that.

It was the morning after the Apple Blossom Festival. Thank Christ that bullshit is over. Bragnae looked cute in her authentic peasant costume, but that was the extent of the excitement for that day. Now, it was time to blow off a little steam.

Liam was actually available this morning for a little work out before he had to attend a few meetings later on in the afternoon. It was nice to have this time with him. Liam had been my work out buddy since we were old enough to start using the gym equipment, which is why both of us are exceptionally toned and buff. I spend a little more of my time in the gym than he does – sometimes three times a day when I’m really bored.

“So, is your dad putting pressure on you to pick a particular suitor?” I couldn’t help but wish they were pushing him away from Bragnae.

“Yes, of course, he is. He and Regina both keep talking up Madeleine.” Liam continued his set of bicep curls.

“And what do you think about her?” I knew what he thought because I thought it too. Again, just hoping for his attention to be swayed to anyone but Bragnae. I focused on pumping up my own biceps as I waited for his response.

Liam gave me a knowing look through the mirror. “She wasn’t good enough for my brother, and she’s definitely not good enough for me. I hate that they’re pushing her onto me like this. I feel bad for her in a way,” he said as he returned the weights to the rack. “She was so close to becoming queen before Leo abdicated the thrown, and now she’s back to try again. It’s pathetic.”

I loved when he was candid with me. He knew he can trust that I wouldn’t repeat his words. That’s what best friends are for. Support and total discretion. “She’s passionate at least,” I laughed thinking about her desperate need for the political spotlight.

Liam wiped his face with a towel. “Passionate for the crown, maybe. But me? It’s all a fucking show. If she’s chosen, I doubt we’ll even fuck. She hasn’t once tried to kiss me when we’ve had moments alone. All the others have. I don’t even think she likes men.”

All the others have. I shuddered at the thought of him being with Bragnae. I hoped to God they hadn’t had sex yet. I haven’t quite figured out what type of woman she was in that regard. What I do know is that she’s smart and adventurous. She dresses provocatively, but with a certain elegance. Who knows if she’s promiscuous or not?

I’m torn on the topic. I love a bold woman who knows what she wants and takes it. It’s nice when a girl comes with experience, but she’s also not just giving it away to anyone who asks for it. If that’s how Bragnae was, I would be happy to know that. Still, I couldn’t bring myself to ask Liam if they’ve gone that far. We’ve talked about sex plenty of times, but this was different. It might be too hard to listen to Liam tell me about how she was in bed. It’s something I’d rather find out for myself.

“Yeah, Madeleine stands out to the masses, but definitely not your style.”

Liam took a swig of water. “I’ll tell you, though, I really like Bragnae.”

Fuck. “Oh, yeah?”

“Drake, she’s amazing. She’s not only beautiful, but she’s insightful too. I feel like I can tell her anything. The people seem to like her, the press too. I’m really hoping my father and Regina give her a chance.”

Damn it. He really likes her. Am I fucking surprised? No. She is amazing. No doubt about that.

“What do you think of her?” Liam asked.

How do I answer this without making it sound like I really like her too? “I think she’s great. She doesn’t seem to have her head in the clouds like most of these women, and she’s genuine. You know that’s always something I can appreciate.” Okay, that was good. Very Drake of me to say. I think that was good enough and wouldn’t blow my cover.

“I’m glad you agree.” He said, taking a seat on one of the benches. He looked down at the floor with a smile on his face. “That body. She’s so fucking hot. I wish I could spend more time alone with her. I hate the fucking tight schedule they keep me on.”

I blew out a slow breath of relief. Sounded like he hasn’t gone all the way with her. Normally, at this point, he’d be boasting about his opportunity to be with her, but instead he was pining over it. But how long would it last?

“Yeah, I can imagine how rough it is.” They pull him in every direction they can. I wish he’d just tell them to shove it up their ass once in a while. “You’re the prince, man. Do what you want.” Why the fuck am I encouraging this? I hate myself.

Loud music was suddenly audible through the walls alerting us both. As we left the gym, Liam and I walked down the hall to a room where the door was cracked open a bit. Liam pulled it open the rest of the way, and halted in his tracks.

I noticed a stunned look on his face before I saw what was happening inside the room. I stepped up to the doorway, next to Liam, and saw Maxwell leading a choreographed dance flanked by Hana and Bragnae. My mouth fell open in shock as my eyes poured over Bragnae’s body.

She wore a hot pink sports bra top and black spandex leggings that were glued to her skin. Kevin Rudolf’s Let it Rock blared over the speakers as they danced in sync with each other. The beat was fast paced and lively. I actually liked the song – even more so now that I watched Bragnae dance to it.

She moved with ease, spinning, dipping, twirling in rhythm with the song, and it was mesmerizing. The way her hands explored her own body so seductively made my dick jump. Oh, fuck. She just bent over. Now, she and Hana were slowing it down, mirroring each other as they slowly dropped to their knees on the floor. Pumping their bodies on the ground and thrashing their long hair from side to side. Within seconds, the ladies slowly rose again.

I glanced at Liam briefly to see his reaction. He was enthralled, just like me. I was rarely jealous of Liam, but this was definitely one of those times. Not because he was the prince, and not because Bragnae was one of his suitors, but because he could watch her now – unguarded. He could look at her without suspicion as to why he’s fucking her with his eyes.

If anyone saw the way I was watching her with insane hunger and need, they’d think I was a creep or an asshole for gawking at one of the prince’s suitors. How I wished I could look at her openly the way I wanted to. So much of my life nowadays was kept in secret because so much of my life was consumed by Bragnae.

I had no idea she could dance like this. It was like watching a strip tease, without the stripping of course. God, I wish she was taking off her clothes, too. Damn it. She was confident in her body as she thrusted her pelvis to the beat three times. And there went my dick again. I had to readjust because the pesky thing wouldn’t stay down. I was wearing athletic shorts. Thank God they’re black. My hard-on won’t be as prominent.

The song came to a close as the girls ended in a pose with their backs arched and an arm stretched above their heads. Maxwell did his own pose, not that I gave a shit about how he looked. My eyes were trained on Bragnae. My heart raced and I was breathing quickly all of a sudden. I hadn’t realized it until now. I wanted an encore… bad.

Liam started clapping, which got their attention. Fuck. I wasn’t ready to be exposed as an onlooker yet. My dick was still hard.

“That was phenomenal,” Liam said as he made his way over to them. The room they were dancing in was quite large. It was a multipurpose room used for collective work out routines such as their dance and whatever else the royal family wanted to use it for.

I watched Bragnae as she spun around to face Liam with a surprised expression. Apparently, despite the few times she turned around in our direction, she hadn’t noticed she had an audience. Then, her eyes focused on me. A brief smile crossed over her lips before she looked away. She was embarrassed? Why? That was unbelievably hot. If I could hit replay somewhere, I would.

My dick finally gave me a break, so I walked into the room to where they were standing.

“Are you three practicing for a show that I’m unaware of?” Liam asked with a sparkling smile.

Maxwell laughed. “Nah. The girls just wanted to work out in a fun way, so we put together a flirty routine. You know me. I’m always up for dancing.”

“Yes, and it was incredibly exhilarating!” Hana said with enthusiasm, albeit a bit breathless. “I’ve never danced like that in my life. My mother would have a heart attack if she saw that.”

Yeah, I bet she would. That dance was pure sex.

“And you, Lady Bragnae? Do you dance like that often?” Liam asked politely, but I knew he wanted to see if there’d be a repeat performance in the future.

We were both thinking with our dicks in that moment. And I couldn’t blame him. I was still in awe of what I just witnessed, so I was perfectly fine letting Liam speak to satisfy both of our curiosities. I did my best reconnaissance when I observed with my eyes rather than inquired with my mouth anyway – usually because my words would get me into trouble.

Bragnae nodded as she finished taking a long drink from a water bottle. Her chest glistened from the work out, and her quick and heavy breaths pushed her breasts out every time she inhaled. Goddamn. I raised my gaze to her eyes again in an effort to keep my dick out of the matter. No need to awaken him again. Not until I could at least be alone.

“I dance recreationally like this from time to time, but I’m not a part of a crew or anything. Just for fun.” Bragnae offered up a dazzling smile as she regained control of her breath again.

“I asked the other ladies if they wanted in on this, but Kiara declined saying she was too good for it. Penelope always mimics Kiara’s responses, so she was out. Madeleine acted like she didn’t even hear me when I asked, and Olivia said, and I quote ‘dream on, home boy’.” Maxwell shook his head and chuckled.

Liam extended his arm to the three of them. “Well, why don’t we all walk next door and grab a protein shake. Drake and I just finished working out as well.”

Hana’s face lit up with excitement at the suggestion, and Maxwell put some equipment away before he started for the door. I waited until Bragnae agreed before I turned to leave the room. I was sure Liam was waiting to walk next to Bragnae as they left the makeshift dance studio, so I wasn’t even going to try.

It was convenient for me that Liam also enjoyed working out, and considered it as much of a hobby as I did. That meant that as we got older, the gym equipment got better and there was a small protein stand built into the estate. Here at Applewood and back at the palace.

I made it to the counter first. With chocolate and vanilla protein powders as options, they also offered a few other flavors as add-ins. I would shake it up from time to time, but my favorite was chocolate-cherry. I placed my order with Jean, the middle-aged woman that worked the counter, and stepped back for the others.

Maxwell ordered a chocolate-banana, Hana got chocolate-strawberry. Like I guessed, Liam and Bragnae strolled up a minute later in a slow paced walk. He offered for her to order ahead of him, but she declined so she could look at the options. Liam asked for vanilla-strawberry, his favorite.

Bragnae stepped up to the counter. “May I have a chocolate-cherry, please?” Jean nodded, and turned away to fix the drinks.

I looked down to conceal my smile. She ordered the same thing as me. I knew she had good taste.

“Drake? Here you go, honey.” Jean placed my shake on the counter.

I walked up to retrieve it. Bragnae was still standing there when she looked over at my drink. I removed the wrapper to the straw Jean had set next to the cup, and pierced the plastic lid.

Bragnae’s eyes met mine as I smirked. “You ordered the same thing as me, by the way.”

She beamed. “I did? Well, we have good taste.”

“That’s exactly what I was thinking.” Before I could think of what to say next, Jean had placed the other orders on the counter. I got out of their way and walked to a nearby table. The others joined me along with their shakes.

“You know, ladies, you’re welcome to work out in the gym, too, if you want. Here and back at the palace. I’d be happy to show you a thing or two if you need assistance.” Liam, the ever-willing prince. I chuckled at his invitation. This was guy code for, I’d love to see more of you in your tight clothes while working up a sweat. And then maybe we could take a shower together afterwards.

I knew my best friend, and I knew myself. We were both thinking the same thing. However, I doubt that comment was intended for Hana even though she was also beautiful and beyond talented in almost every capacity.

“That’s nice of you to offer, Your Highness,” Hana said before taking a drink.

“We got quite the work out in today. Full-body. Do you guys do that every time you’re in the gym?” Bragnae asked. She looked to Liam and then to me.

Liam had just taken a swig of his shake, so I answered. “Nah. We break it up. Today was just arms and abs.”

I kept my gaze on Bragnae as her eyes shifted down the length of my arm. She had her elbows on the table holding her shake up just below her chin. Her fingers absentmindedly moved the straw in and out of the lid as her eyes locked on my bicep.

I know I shouldn’t have, but I knew she was impressed, so I clenched my fist and flexed my bicep for a split second to gauge her reaction. I smiled inside as I saw her lightly gasp before taking a drink and looking away.

“Ooh, Bragnae, we better get going if we want to shower before the next event,” Hana said looking at her watch.

Oh, nice. A shower. Are they going to shower together? That’s what Hana made it sound like, or maybe that’s what my dirty mind wanted me to hear. Either way, picturing Bragnae naked in a hot and steamy shower was definitely an image I wanted to fill my mind with. If Hana happened to be showering near her, that’d be okay too. But I’d prefer to be in there with Bragnae instead.

“And what is the next event for you ladies?” Liam asked.

Bragnae and Hana stood from the table, prompting the rest of us gentlemen to do the same. “We are having tea with the queen. All the ladies are expected to be there and on time.” Bragnae emphasized the last part with a different inflection in her voice and widened eyes.

Liam laughed. “Yes. It’s best not to keep her waiting.”

“Oh, I know. If I’m late for another event, Bertrand will give me a very stern talking to for ‘besmirching House Beaumont’.” Bragnae spoke emphatically, and teased Maxwell by pinching his cheek.

“You and me both,” Maxwell told her. “Now, get going, so Bertrand stays off both of our asses.”

Bragnae laughed and waved before turning to walk away. My eyes traveled down to her magnificently presented ass. There should be a standing rule that Bragnae always be in tight, spandex leggings when she wasn’t wearing a dress. Jesus Christ, she could stop traffic. And I’m getting hard again. Time to go.

“Alright, I’m going to get cleaned up as well. I’ll see you fellas later.”

The next day was the traditional fox hunt for the royal party. Our ancestors used to hunt fox for sport, but today, the event only retains its name. Good thing too because I bet over half of these so-called nobles had never even held a gun, let alone knew how to use it.

This was actually an event I was happy to be a part of. We had to ride horses across a three mile trail through the woods and a bit of the mountains. This was my forte. Growing up with a mother who lived on a ranch in her youth, I was practically raised on a horse. I got up early and headed to the stables to pick out my horse for the day before the fussing nobles ruined the experience.

Since Lonestar, my mother’s horse, was at the stables near the palace, I had to find a different steed. Natalia was always my choice when we came to Applewood. We got along well, and she was better for more experienced riders anyway. She liked to run, so I thought I’d take her out to the field before the fox hunt to stretch her legs a bit.

After she was saddled up, I hopped on, and led her out to the field to trot, being sure not to tire her out too much before the trail ride.

Before long, the nobles had assembled and the fox hunt had begun. I was at the end of the procession, but I led Natalia to the sidelines, so we could pass a few people. There was no way I was going to be stuck behind Penelope while she was telling her hundredth story about her poodles that morning. Plus, I wanted to find Bragnae.

After seeing how she ogled the muscles in my arm, and not Liam’s, I figured it was time to stop playing this game. I needed to start being nicer to her, and explain myself. She deserved that. And out of all the people I wanted to be a prick to, she wasn’t even on the list. So, it would end today.

As I made my way through the trail, the crisp air was refreshing. The woods surrounded the manmade path. It was beautiful, save for the bickering nobles. I shook my head in disgust at them. It was a shame they couldn’t appreciate what was around them. Just shut the fuck up, and enjoy the ride.

I finally saw Bragnae up ahead. She was on a black horse – oh, wait, that was the horse who won the derby. Huh. I wondered how she happened to possess her. Bragnae was riding alongside Hana who was showing her some sort of dressage move. I smirked thinking about Hana’s plethora of talent.

I wasn’t going to intrude on their moment, so I kept my pace and position in hopes that Hana would ride off eventually. My patience had paid off as Hana rode ahead a minute later. Now was my chance.

I squeezed my legs around Natalia and gave her a slight kick with my heels to give her the sign to trot ahead. When she approached Bragnae and her horse, I pulled back on Natalia’s reins to keep up with Bragnae’s horse.

“Hey, Bennett. You look nice.” She did, too. She managed to find a rider’s outfit. A maroon jacket and tight, brown pants with knee-high boots.

Bragnae pulled back in surprise. “Wow. Opening with a compliment, huh? You feeling okay?”

I chuckled. “Yep. Just fine.”

“I’m surprised to see you out here today. I would have figured all the nobles would have repelled your desire to join us.”

“This is actually something I love doing. Riding horses, I mean. And it’s entertaining to watch the stuffy nobles fuss over their blazers. It amazes me how much they’re missing what’s around them, though.”

“Is that why you’re smiling more today?”

I couldn’t help but smile again as I looked at her. “It has more to do with who I’m riding next to.”

She feigned a surprised gasp, complete with a hand over her heart. “A second compliment!”

“If you’re lucky, you might get a third.” I loved bantering with her. It was always fun.

“Oh, then let me find a four-leaf clover really quick.” She winked at me with that dazzling smile I liked so much.

I sighed giving Natalia a couple pats on her neck. It was time to be honest with her. I needed to explain why I’d been such an ass to her. “You know, when we first met, I wanted to dislike you so badly.”

Genuine surprise highlighted her face. “Why?”

“Well, you were crashing Liam’s bachelor party. That was supposed to be our last night out together before all this nonsense. I don’t get to spend much time with him, and now, I’m lucky if I get to spend five minutes with him before a noble girl throws herself in front of him.” I also didn’t want to like you because I knew I couldn’t have you. Wish I could tell her that.

I looked over at her to see a somewhat pained expression. “Sorry. I didn’t mean…”

“I knew what you meant.” There was compassion in her eyes. Thank God. The last thing I wanted was her thinking I was insulting her in any way.

“Anyway, I know we got off to a bad start, but somewhere along the way,” I paused to gather my courage, “…things changed.” I hope she could read between the lines.

“I wanted to dislike you too,” she replied.

Now it was my turn to be surprised. “You did?”

“Well, yeah! I mean, you were a total dick to me.” She turned toward her horse, stroking its mane. I was a complete dick to her, and I hated that I did that. “But now…”

“Now?” My nerves were making my hands shake. I gripped the reins tighter as I waited for her response.

“It took time, but I figured out that you’re actually human under all those scowls.”

I shook my head as a smile crept over my lips. She wove a joke into her reply, and it was the cutest damn thing. Now the air was cleared, and it felt good. “Well, this has all been touching, but I need to rescue Liam from his family for a couple minutes. I’ll see you later.”

“I hope so,” she grinned.

Damn, that went well. I heeled Natalia again to get her to trot towards the front of the procession.

Soon, the trail led everyone to an old village where we would all have dinner. I was starving and very much looking forward to eating the giant feast. As everyone got in line to be served, I saw Tariq and Bragnae talking just ahead of me. His body language suggested that he was into her. I knew from the bachelor party in New York that Tariq was attracted to her, but he hadn’t done much more than mention it at the time. Not that I saw anyway.

As I moved forward in the line, I watched Liam trade places with Tariq. His body language was even more obvious. Liam had it bad. I could easily recognize when he was really into a woman, and there was no mistaking it here. But the stakes were even higher this time around. Liam was looking to pick a bride, a future queen. I didn’t know if he was in love with her, but he’d been much more preoccupied with her than any other girl I’d seen him with.

Later that evening after we got back from the ride, I helped the stable hands corral the horses and take their saddles off before I headed to my room. It had been a long day, but despite the length of the ride and being outdoors all day, I wasn’t ready to call it a night.

I needed to see Bragnae again. For some reason, I felt that I didn’t get my fill of her today. Then again, I felt like that every day even when I was with her. Maybe she’d like to go to the gym with me for a late night work out. Would that be too obvious that I wanted to spend time with her?

I decided I didn’t give a shit about that. Some of her signals made it seem like she was into me, so maybe she’d be happy to come along. I changed into a razorback tank top and athletic shorts and made my way to her room. I hoped she wasn’t asleep yet or otherwise busy. Her room wasn’t too far from mine. Liam made sure of that. At the beginning of the Social Season he had asked me to keep an eye on her. At first, I was unsure about it, but that quickly changed. If anything, I was grateful that I had an excuse to be hanging around her.

I came up to her room, and the door was wide open. Does the woman not enjoy privacy? I peeked my head in the door frame searching the room with my eyes before spotting Bragnae straddling the floor, resting on her knees. Her hands pressed against the floor in front of her as she slowly moved up and down.

My eyes nearly bulged out of my head. What the hell was she doing? She was still wearing her riding pants, but had removed her blazer and took her hair out of the bun it was in, and cascaded it over one shoulder. I was frozen. Only my eyes could move.

Bragnae’s eyes were closed, and I watched as her full lips transformed in what looked like agony to relief. It was incredibly erotic to watch her in this way. My dirty mind pictured myself underneath her. I wouldn’t mind at all if she wanted to ride me like that. Seeing her now made it easy to imagine her legs squeezing my hips as she felt every inch of my dick inside her.

My hardened and impatient cock brought me out of my trance. I needed to make my presence known before someone noticed I was just standing in her doorway watching her like some fucking pervert.

“Need a hand there?” Fuck. That was my dick talking. Why did I say that? Fuck.

Bragnae’s eyes snapped open, and an embarrassed smile crossed over her lips. “Hey, Drake.”

“Whatcha doin’?” I was genuinely curious.

Bragnae slowly stood up. “I was just stretching. It’s been a while since I last rode a horse.”

Hmmm. Could that also mean it’s been a while since she’s ridden a man that way? I know if she rode a stallion like me, she’d be sore. No getting around that. Her inner thighs would strain to hold onto me as I would thrust into her over and over again making her come so hard she’d struggle to breathe after her screams of pleasure finally subsided.

I cleared my throat to push the thought out of my mind. “I ride pretty regularly, so I’m used to it by now.”

“What are you doing for the rest of the night?”

I’d love for the answer to be you. “I was actually going to head down to the gym, and I was going to ask you if you’d like to join me, but I guess you probably don’t feel up to it being sore from the ride.”

“No, I can still go,” she said immediately with a smile. “Just give me a minute to change.”

Wow. Cool. So, she doesn’t mind working out even as sore as she is. I didn’t want to get too excited, but I was pretty sure it was because of me. At least I hoped so.

I nodded after processing her response. “Yeah, sure. I’ll just be outside.” I closed her door behind me, and leaned against the wall.

My heart was starting to race again, and butterflies fluttered in my stomach. I took a couple deep breaths to calm my nerves. After another minute, her door opened and Bragnae emerged wearing an electric blue sports bra top, similar to the one she danced in, and black spandex leggings to match. Her stomach and lower back were completely bare.

My dick took over again. It was making my eyes get lost in her body that was standing so close to me that I could feel the heat between us. I had a sudden urge to tuck the tip of my finger just beneath her waistband, and roll it across her pelvis, undoubtedly making her tremble. My gaze traveled up to her top where the most spectacular cleavage I’d ever seen peeked out.

The tightness of her outfit pushed her breasts up and together. If I wasn’t mistaken, I was pretty sure she had pulled that zipper in the front of her top down even more than it had been the other day. She was flirting with her clothes, and I was completely onboard with that. If she only knew what her outfit was doing to me.

Thank Christ my brain woke up in time to save me from myself as my eyes returned to hers. “Shall we?”

#TRR Dirty Mind Fanfic #drake walker #drake x bragnae #trr drake #trr fanfic

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mcntsee · 3 years

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Hey y’all! I don’t really write stuff, but I found some old writing prompts in my notes, so I’m just gonna share them for anyone that wants to use them! (I’ll keep updating the list)

1) "No one is coming to help you."

2) "Your screams are music to my ears."

3) "Keep your eyes open, I really want you to watch what I'm about to do to your little friend here."

4) "Does it kill you? Knowing that you can't do anything to stop me?"

5) "Don't worry, I'm not going to kill you just yet."

6) "You were always too soft, never could stand up for yourself."

7) "Where's your hero now when you need them the most? I don't see them."

8) "Do you really think they could ever love you?"

9) "Look at you now, you're pathetic. You're weak."

10) "I don't want to rush this, I've been waiting a long time for this moment so I want to be able to take my time with you."

11) "But they told me they loved me." "Aww, sweetheart, they were lying, I'm the only one who could ever love you."

12) "I never wanted to hurt people! I didn't want this life! You made me a monster."

13) "I didn't make you a monster, you were just born that way."

14) "Hope you're not too attached to that hand."

15) "You killed them, you bury them."

16) "You made me hurt them." "I didn't make you do anything you didn't want to do."

17) "Do as you're told or you're going to make me angry."

18) "Don't ever say that name in front of me again, do you understand?"

19) "I only do these things because I love you, you know that right? I don't want to hurt you, but you just make me so angry sometimes."

20) "Don't take me back there! Please, I can't go back there. They're there."

21) "If I tell you what they made me do you wont be able to look at me the same."

22) "Let them go. I did everything you asked me to do, now just let them go!"

23) "You're a talker, I never liked talkers. Let's see how much talking you can do with your tongue cut out."

24) "You never listen, but that's okay because after I finish carving up your little friend over here I think you're going to be able to hear me just fine.

25) "I've never smashed anyone's hand with a hammer before so this is going to be a first for both of us."

26) "What happened to you? What did they say to you?" "Please don't make me tell you."

27) "I can't sleep, every time I close my eyes I see them."

28) "They were right, I'm weak and I couldn't save them."

29) "Let them go and you can have me. Let them go and I'll never try to leave again. I promise."

30) "No, they were my friend. I should be the one to kill them."

31) "No, go on, say it. Say that you wish I'd died instead of them, I know you want to!"

32) "Why do you stay with them? You don't deserve to be treated like this, no one does."

33) "The only thing you've ever been good at is being a coward!"

34) "You don't belong here, you never did."

35) "You're a waste of air."

36) "You're useless."

37) "They hurt you, why do you go back?" "They're the only family I've got."

38) "You don't have friends, we're the only ones who are able to tolerate you.

39) "I've felt pain all my life, but now? I don't feel anything." "Good, then you're ready."

40) "I wish they would have let you die that day."

41) "You always were too emotional."

42) "What do hugs feel like?"

43) "Why does everything hurt?"

44) "Why doesn't anyone want me?

45) "Families are supposed to love you, not leave you." "Then I guess I've never had a family."

46) "Do you think I'll ever have a family one day?"

47) "How long do you think they can hold their breath underwater before they need to breathe?"

48) "Hey! Hey, wake up! How many of these did you take, huh? No, no, don't go back to sleep, you need to stay awake for me."

49) "Are you afraid of me too?"

50) "Why didn't you tell us you'd been hit? You almost died."

51) "Prove your loyalty. Kill them." "They're just a kid."

52) "Am I going to die here?" "No, okay? Just stay with me."

53) "Your efforts to be the good guy have been so cute but it's time to face reality. You were born to be bad, you'll never be the hero.

54) "I'm fine." "No you're not, you're losing a lot of blood."

55) "Save the others first. Save them first or all my fighting was for nothing."

56) "You see these scars? You did this to me."

57) "Do you think they knew I loved them before they died?"

58) "Could you ever forgive me?"

59) "I can't give up. They need me so I can never give up."

60) "You couldn't save your first love, what makes you think you can save your second?"

61) "It's okay if you're scared of dying, your friends were too."

62) "Whatever you want, anything you want, I'll give it to you. Just make it stop."

63) "They say I'm a monster and I never believed them but now I think they're right."

64) "I failed my mission, I couldn't save them. Their deaths are on me."

65) "I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can barely fucking breathe because they're gone and it's my fault. And god knows what they're doing to them right now and I'm just sitting here doing nothing!"

66) "Calm down, calm down, you were just dreaming."

67) "Take me instead, please?" "What would I want with someone as pathetic as you?"

68) "If you have to kill one of us kill me."

69) "I ruined your brilliant plan, I destroyed everything you built, I killed your friends, and now you've got one bullet left and two people in front of you. So, shoot me because if you shoot them and let me live I'm going tear you apart piece by piece. So, what's it going to be?"

70) "I know you've been out for a long time need you to do a job for me." "I'm not killing again." "Not even if the person I'm asking you to kill is responsible for all of your pain?"

71) "It'd be a shame if someone you loved got hurt, I know how much your friends mean to you."

72) "I hate myself when I'm with you."

73) "I wish you didn't have to be medicated to call me."

74) "This is all your fault. I wish you'd died in that car crash instead of them."

75) "I need to get up. They're dying so I need to get up right now."

76) "Just make it all stop, please, it hurts. Everything hurts."

77) "We can't be together. You know that. You and I bring out the worst in each other."

78) "Be a shame if you kept talking and I had to take out a few of those teeth to shut you up. Especially since you've got such a lovely smile."

79) "Look at that, your hero came for you after all. They really do love you, huh? It's a shame you wont get the reunion you wanted."

80) "I know living with me hasn't been easy but I really am trying here."

81) "You put on such a brave face but the truth is you're terrified of what's out there."

82) "You think you're ready to do everything but you're not. You're not ready to kill someone, no matter how much you hate them."

83) "Everybody keeps telling me what to do, what to say, what to think, what to feel and I can't do this anymore, I can't. I feel like I'm not even a person anymore and I just need it to stop. I just want everything to stop!

84) "I'm just trying to keep you from dying! Don't you see that? I care about you and you are the last person I ever want to see dead out there, so just fucking listen to me for once!"

85) "I just want to keep you safe, there are a lot of bad people out there who want to hurt people like us. We have to be careful."

86) "Goddamn it, kid, don't you ever listen? Stay still, let me stop the bleeding, okay?"

87) "You are not one of us, okay? You're just some rando who got dragged into all this shit. So take this money, get a bus ticket, and go home, kid."

88) "What have I become?"

89) "Why hasn't anyone looked for me yet?" "Because they don't care about you like I do."

90) "I'm not a kid anymore so stop treating me like I am!"

91) "They left you all alone. Stay here with me and I'll never leave you. I can be your family and we can watch them all burn together."

92) "Why did you jump in front of me back there?" "Why didn't you move?"

93) "I never thought I'd see you again, they told me you were dead."

94) "Get under the bed and don't make a sound okay?" "But they'll get you." "Just get under the bed and no matter what you hear or what you see just stay completely quiet and completely still. Do that for me, alright?"

95) "Shh, it's just me, don't panic." "Don't sneak up on me like that."

96) "I feel so useless."

97) "You call out for them when you sleep. Do you want to talk about it?"

98) "My eyelids feel like they weigh a million pounds." "It's because you're tired, you should get some sleep. We have to save the world tomorrow."

99) "Hey! Hey, calm down. Calm down, it's just me."

100) "When I finish patching you up I swear to god I'm gonna kick your ass for making me worry about you."

#writing #writing prompts #writing help #prompts #help i don’t understand tumblr #how the fuck does this work

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haosvteen · 4 years

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send your requests!!

a/n: send in a number with a member and i will write it :) feel free to send in more than one number! i can also do these at a text au! love you all <3 (there’s 265 prompts so a lot to choose from)

masterlist

Angst:

1: “ Not you again.. ”

2: “ Leave me alone. ”

3: “ Why do you hate me? ”

4: “ I thought you loved me. ”

5: “ I don’t need you anymore. ”

6: “ I can’t believe you! ”

7: “ We can't keep this up forever. ”

8: “ Don’t leave me… ”

9 “ I never meant to hurt you. ”

10: “ Are you upset with me? ”

11: “ I wish I’d never met you. ”

12: “ Please don’t hurt me like this. ”

13: “ Thanks for nothing. ”

14: “ Don't call this number again. “

15: “ You need to leave. ”

16: “ I’m sick. ”

17: “ There was never an us. ”

18: “ So that’s it? It’s over? ”

19: “ I came to say goodbye. ”

20: “ I don’t deserve to be loved. ”

Love:

21: “ I’m so in love with you. ”

22: “ Isn’t this amazing? ”

23: “ I wish we could stay like this forever. ”

24: “ Will you marry me? ”

25: “ I need a hug. ”

26: “ You’re special to me. ”

27: “ I’m going to keep you safe. ”

28: “ Do you trust me? ”

29: “ Can I kiss you right now? ”

30: “ You’re cute when you’re angry. ”

31: “ We’d make such a cute couple. ”

32: “ Can we cuddle? ”

33: “ It’s lonely here without you. ”

34: “ I can’t stand the thought of losing you. ”

35: “ Shut up and kiss me already. ”

36: “ Are you flirting with me? ”

37: “ Is that my shirt? ”

38: “ You own my heart. ”

39: “ I want to protect you. ”

40: “ What's the matter? ”

41: “ Did you do something different with your hair? ”

42: “ Stop being so cute. ”

43: “ You’re making me blush! ”

44: “ You’re teasing me again… ”

45: “ They’re going to love you, don’t worry! ”

46: “ Oh, Are you ticklish? ”

47: “ Of course I remembered! ”

48: “ You’re one hell of a girl. ”

49: “ Are you jealous? ”

50: “ Hold me and never let me go. ”

51: “ Stop hogging all the blankets! ”

52: “Let's run away together. ”

General:

53: “ Catch me if you can! ”

54: “ I’m fine. ”

55: “ Are you drunk? ”

56: “ We can't go in there… ”

57: “ Give it back! ”

58: “ Well this is just great. ”

59: “ Don’t touch me. ”

60: “ Not sure if you could tell, but I’m not exactly a people person. ”

61: “ This was fun— Let's do it again sometime!”

62: “ I didn’t do it! ”

63: “ I did it… ”

64: “ I don’t remember that! ”

65: “ Well that’s pretty rude of you to say. ”

66: “ Get that thing away from me! ”

67: “ You owe me. ”

68: “ Why are you naked? ”

69: “ You did what?! ”

70: “ You have… Superpowers? ”

71: “ Why are you bleeding? ”

72: “ Don’t make me come over there myself! ”

73: “ That wasn’t funny. ”

74: “ This tastes horrible. ”

75: “ This is delicious! ”

76: “ Are you mad at me? ”

77: “ Stop ignoring me… ”

78: “ I love that show too! ”

79: “ Can I borrow that book of yours?”

80: “Let's blow this joint. ”

81: “ Let me help you with that. ”

82: “ Take that back! ”

83: “ Wanna go see a movie with me? ”

84: “ No way, that’s so lame. ”

85: “ What are you listening to? ”

86: “ I brought you your coffee. ”

87: “ Run! ”

88: “Let's run away together. ”

89: “ I haven’t slept in four days… ”

90: “ Your turn to do the dishes. ”

91: “ Was I really that drunk? ”

92: “Give me back my phone! ”

93: “ Are you cold? ”

94: “ This place gives me the creeps. ”

95: “ I swear my house is haunted. ”

96: “ Did you hear that? ”

97: “ It’s just your imagination. ”

98: “ Just how stupid do you think I am? ”

99: “ Go back to bed. ”

100: “ Are you okay? ”

101: “ Thanks for helping me back there. ”

102: “ Since when have we ever been friends? “

103: “ What on earth are you wearing? ”

104: “ I can’t feel my legs! ”

105: “ Put me down! ”

106: “ There’s only one bed… ”

107: “ It isn’t what it looks like! Okay.. Maybe it is… ”

108: “ I read your diary. ”

109: “ This is awkward. ”

110: “ Do you think you can teach me that? ”

111: “That’s starting to get annoying.”

112: “Hey, hey, calm down. They can’t hurt you anymore.”

113: “I’m too sober for this.”

114: “I’m not here to make friends.”

115: “I need a place to stay.”

116: “Well, that’s tragic.” Jun

117: “You’re seriously like a man-child.”

118: “You can’t banish me! This is my bed too!”

119: “The ladies love a guy who’s good with kids.”

120: “Dear Diary…”

121: “She’s hiding behind the sofa.”

122: “They’re so cute when they’re asleep.”

123: “I’d kill for a coffee…literally.”

124: “You’re getting crumbs all over my bed.”

125: “Good thing I didn’t ask for your opinion.”

126: “What’s the matter, sweetie?”

127: “You’re Satan.”

128: “I don’t want to hear your excuse. You can’t just give me wet-willies.”

129: “I’m bulletproof…but please, don’t shoot me.”

130: “Did you just hiss at me?”

131: “Do you really need all that candy?”

132: “It’s six o’clock in the morning, you’re not having vodka.”

133: “I swear, I’m not crazy!!!”

134: “The diamond in your engagement ring is fake.”

135: “No. Regrets.”

136: “I haven’t slept in ages.”

137: “I locked the keys in the car.”

138: “Are you sure that’s the decision you want to make?”

139: “Take your medicine.”

140 “They’re monsters.”

141: “Welcome to fatherhood.”

142: “Why can’t you appreciate my sense of humor?”

143: “It’s your turn to make dinner.”

144: “The kids, they ambushed me.”

145: “Sorry isn’t going to help when I kick your ass!”

146: “Stop being so cute.”

147: “I feel like I can’t breathe.”

148: “You need to see a doctor.”

149: “It was a joke, baby. I swear.”

150: “I didn’t think you could get any less romantic.”

151: “Safety first. What are you? FIVE?”

152: “This is girl talk, so leave.”

153: “You’re a nerd.”

154: “I’m late.”

155: “Just get home as soon as possible, okay?”

156: “You smell like a wet dog.”

157: “I could punch you right now.”

158: “Are you going to talk to me?”

159: “Welcome back. Now fucking help me.”

160: “If you can’t sleep…we could have sex?”

161: “Here, take my blanket.”

162: “I don’t want you to stop.”

163: “How could I ever forget about you?”

164: “You’re bleeding all over my carpet.”

165: “Run for it!”

166: “We need to talk.”

167: “Just smile, I really need to see you smile right now.”

168: “I’m not wearing a dress.”

169: “I’m not wearing a tie.”

170: “Don’t argue. Just do it.”

171: “I hope I’m never stuck with you on a deserted island.”

172: “Hold still.”

173: “I just ironed these pants.”

174: “Enough with the sass!”

175: “Show me what’s behind your back.”

176: “I’m not going to be sympathetic until you go to a doctor.”

177: “Stay awake.”

178: “STOP INTERRUPTING ME!”

179: “You’re not interested, are you?”

180: “I’m not buying Ikea furniture again.”

181: “Tell me you need me.”

182: “Oh honey, I’d never be jealous of you.”

183: “I’m telling you. I’m haunted.”

184: “I had a bad dream again.”

185: “It’s Christmas, don’t be mad at me.”

186: “What did I say about doing reckless things without me? It’s less fun, isn’t it?”

187: “Okay, that is exactly what we are not going to do.”

188: “Can you chill for one minute? I want to get ice cream.”

189: “You want me to kill them? I’m free Tuesday.”

190: “If we weren’t in a small diner, I would have killed you by now.”

191: “Oh sorry, I just don’t care.”

192: “Ever just laugh because your life is a joke?”

193: “Was that your attempt to kill me? Cute.”

194: “You act like I’m doing this to be a jerk, but I swear I’m not. I want you to be safe more than anything.”

195: “Are you mocking me?”

196: “Oh sorry, did I forget to tell you?”

197: “You look like you need a band-aid.”

198: “Can you calm down for one second? I’m trying to save us.”

199: “I kinda wanna go get ice cream, but I also kinda wanna throw an ax.”

200: “You talk a lot of trash for someone with such a breakable neck.”

NSFW: 201: “ Bite me. ”

202: “ Fuck me. ”

203: “ Do you like it when I touch you like that?”

204: “ Okay.. This is new. ”

205: “ Want to head back to my place and have a little fun? ”

206: “ You’re in trouble now. ”

207: “ What a pretty sight. ”

208: “ Bend over. ”

209: “ On your knees. ”

210: “ The food looks great but... There’s something much more delicious i’d like

to eat right now. ”

211: “ Lay back. ”

212: “ Take off your clothes. ”

213: “ Well, fine; just this once. ”

214: “ I’m waiting. ”

215: “ You’re so beautiful. ”

216: “ As you wish. ”

217: “ First one to make a noise loses.”

218: “ You have no idea what you do to me. ”

219: “ If you’re bored; Wanna have sex? ”

220: “ I've wanted this for so long. ”

221: “ Car sex looks so much easier in the movies. ”

222: “ Can I touch you? ”

223: “ Open up. ”

224: “ No strings attached. ”

225: “ Already? Do I really have that much of an effect on you? ”

226: “ Mine. ”

227: “ The nights still young. ”

228: “ We can't do that here! ”

229: “ Behave. ”

230:“ What did you just say? ”

231: “ Good girl. ”

232: “ Come here. ”

Soulmate AUs:

233: You get a craving for whatever your soulmate is eating at the time.

234: You have the first words your soulmate says to you somewhere on your

body (and vice versa).

235: You have your soulmate’s name somewhere on your body.

236: Everyone is able to see each other’s aura. You and your soulmate have the same-colored aura, and you will stop seeing auras completely after you meet them.

237: You can communicate telepathically with your soulmate.

238: Your internal voice is the voice of your soulmate’s, rather than your own.

239: You can feel what your soulmate is feeling (and vice versa).

240: Anything you draw/write on your own skin appears on your soulmate’s.

241: You have tattoo(s) of the things your soulmate loves.

242: You have a compass on your body that leads you to where your soulmate is.

243: If you dye your hair, your soulmate’s hair color changes as well.

244: You have the date that you’ll meet your soulmate tattooed somewhere on your body.

245: You have a tattoo that changes color depending on what your soulmate is feeling.

246: You share a dream with your soulmate when you’re both asleep.

247: Everyone has a journal that allows them to write back and forth with their soulmate.

248: The outline of your shadow is your soulmate.

249: You have a tattoo of how old your soulmate will be when you meet.

250: You have a tattoo of your soulmate’s initials.

251: Every so often you will get flashes of what your soulmate is seeing at the time, however, your soulmate does not know when it happens.

252: You will receive the same injuries as your soulmate (unless deadly).

253: You can taste what your soulmate is eating at the time.

254: You get flowered tattoos wherever your soulmate receives a scar.

255: Once a year, starting on your 16th birthday, soulmates swap bodies for a day if they have not met yet.

256: Your chest will glow when you get close to your soulmate.

257: You and your soulmate share the same talents. What one learns, the other can also do.

258: If your soulmate is listening to music, you can hear it too, and it gets louder the closer you are to them.

259: The closer you are to your soulmate, the more color you can see. The farther away, the fewer colors.

260: Your heart beats your soulmate’s name in morse code.

261: The name of your soulmate appears on your skin after you meet them.

262: You are deaf until you meet your soulmate, whose voice is the first thing you hear.

263: You can only see color when you and your soulmate are touching.

264: You are born with the fingerprints of your soulmate somewhere on your body.

265: Your soulmate’s current thoughts about you will show up on your skin for a short while.

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baekchelor · 4 years

Text

ａｓｈｏｒｅ[iii]

pairing: bodevan cash x reader genre: Doctor! AU, Romance, Angst summary: After a fall out with your fianceé, and an opportunity to chase your dreams, you embark into a medical mission trip to Namibia where you run into self-taught doctor Bodevan Cash. Love ensues. word count: 3.8k

❝the sea beckoned to me, and all reality was lost —swept away in the entrancing song of the tide. ❞ ―meredith t. taylor

TWO ｔｗｅｌｖｅｄａｙｓ

◄ ｐｒｅｖ

Bodevan's eyes looked like the morning sky every day after the first one you met them. Per diem, Bo's mood was bright as the sun too, although you did notice the tears confined on his bottom lid once ―when he concluded nothing else could be done and called 20:16 as Moharerwa's time of death. Bo summoned you to the OR after practising the caesarean section, as the doctor responsible for keeping Moharerwa's baby alive. Meanwhile, you were transporting the newborn into the incubator, Moharerwa went into cardiac arrest, and despite all his efforts, Bo couldn't keep her alive.

She did, briefly, meet her son, and the few minutes were enough to announce his name was Bodererwa. She thanked Bo and expressed her gratitude by naming her infant with the first two syllables of Bodevan's name.

Baby Bodererwa wasn't the only patient under your care. You treated an Irish girl who suffered from nausea and developed rashes. Rellian (Bo's younger brother) and you bonded over an uncanny case of seizures, muscle weakness and vision loss, you later diagnosed as Tay Sachs Disease. Tjiruru, a Himba man on his forties, came in with an acute case of Hepatitis C. Later, Tjiruru brought his sister, who two weeks ago, at Henties Bay's clinic, was prescribed with azithromycin for bacterial pneumonia. Bodevan figured out the medicine killed pneumonia's bacteria and caused other bacteria (that usually lives in a symbiotic relationship with the body) to produce toxins AKA Tjiruru's sister illness.

On day eight, you met, for the very first time, Danny Dupont. He was from Australia, with Kiwi heritage, and the reason why Bodevan got himself a kind-of-nurse.

Danny was diagnosed with viral cardiomyopathy, which caused his heart to fail. He came to Namibia because he didn't want to spend the rest of his days trapped in a hospital, waiting for a heart transplant. During a Safari across the Skeleton Coast, he fell in love with Peera, his tour-guide. Peera became Danny's reason to live, so he accepted to spend most of his days laying on a hospital bed if it meant he would win more time to enjoy alongside Peera. So she asked Bodevan to train her as a nurse, and Danny requested Bodevan to treat him. Now Bodevan has an Organ Donation Program running on the Himba village so, in case of any death, he can get a heart for Danny.

Today, Peera will host a "western" Birthday Party for Danny. It will be held at the hospital because Danny can't leave his cot, but Reillian will microwave a cake in a mug for him ―he saw the receipt somewhere on Pinterest―, and Bodevan managed to buy a few candles and balloons.

Also today, you're running late for your rounds. Dr Gandy video called early this morning, not to inform you about old patients, but to have breakfast with you. It was 2am for Ethan, but he ate pancakes and orange juice, the same receipt he asked room service to bring to your cabin, with the bacon crisped just like you like it, and with blueberries marmalade instead of syrup. You talked bout your medical experiences in Namibia, and that he will keep the Hamptons' beach house and Harper will have the pent-house in Soho. Ethan also said he misses you like crazy.

Guilt substituted the sugar in your coffee, souring the moment, and making clear that you wish you could say the same to Ethan. And you did, of course, you did, you lied. Truth is, Danny and his heart transplant, Bodererwa and his chances of survival, and every patient you've treated so far, keep your mind busy to the extent that, when you collide on bed, the only thought on your mind is to finally be able to rest.

Or so you tell yourself. Considering that dreamland and the pillow talk with your subconscious revolve around a particular wonderful being named Bodevan Cash.

"Morning!" all smiles, you greet as you walk into the teepee. You've grown to love the place.

"Morning, Intern!" and you've grown to love the nickname he calls you. Bodevan is teaching you about surgery, and yoga, and Hambi language, and about why the globe's entire population should be Maoists.

The boy is erudite. He was homeschooled, and his parents did a hell of a great job. To the point, Bodevan received college acceptance letters from numerous Ivy League schools. "I've got something to show you. Come here."

Bo hands you a pile of old letters. Right away, you know what they are, and you can't help but stare at each of them with your mouth agape.

"Holy Cow," your wide eyes travel to meet his. "Why didn't you go to any of this? Harvard is the best school for medicine out there."

"I never pictured myself as a Doctor," he says, while you check the charts for today patients. "I just wanted to go to college, be a normal guy. But when mom died, well...life has a funny way of trampling dreams, huh?"

"Yeah, it does," you murmur softly. "Sometimes, I just feel as if life controls me, instead of it being the other way around."

Bo looks at you knowingly, but careful of his own words, "Why do I get the feeling you're talking about your marriage?"

"I love Ethan. I'm just... if you've asked me what I wanted to do at my twenties, I would answer joining Doctors Without Borders, not getting married," you answer quietly, surprised at what has just left your lips. Hearing the inner thought that had been plaguing you for the past months being said out loud unnerved you.

"Was he upset about your trip here?" asks Bodevan.

"No. He encouraged me to do it, he even paid the ticket. I guess only because I was upset about him being married before. I know Ethan. He did this to erase the guilt from his system, to try to indulge me," you tell, fiddling with your white coat.

Bo eyes you in surprise, startled, "I-I didn't know he was married."

"He is married. They'll sign the divorce papers in two days. He never really told me, I just found out because his wife made an appearance at the hospital we both work at."

Bo remains silent for a while.

"I'm sorry. I have no idea why I'm telling you all this," you intervene awkwardly, suddenly feeling ashamed. He probably thought you were an idiot for sticking with a man who blatantly lied to your face. And you were likely making it worse by ranting on about your fiancé whom you swore a thousand times before that you were madly in love with.

But Bodevan just smiles. "No, it's alright. It helps to let things out. But if I were you, I'd tell him how I felt. If you're going to be spending the rest of your life with him…"

You sigh. He is right.

"Forget about it. What about you?" you pipe. "Any significant others?"

"N-no," he is all shy again, averting his blue orbs to the floor, as far from you as possible, and stuttering.

"But I assure you, he has ladies lining up for a shot," Peera quickly meddles, grinning. She's grabbing serum and a needle from the cabinets, probably for Danny.

You raise your brow, teasing, "Oh? Even with that 70's hairstyle?"

Peera gasps, clutching her chest dramatically. "I'm offended! I think it looks quite sexy on him, or so I heard..."

You giggle as the girl wiggles her eyebrows, Bodevan flushing red.

"I was kidding. It does," you confess.

"D-Does what?" asks Bodevan.

"Look sexy."

For a second, you don't quite realize what you'd said. But as Bo smirks, a bell goes off in your head. You feel your cheeks burn and you hastily look away from him, embarrassed. What is wrong with you?

You clear your throat, gaze hiding from Bo, "I should start my rounds."

These past few days were what you could only describe as confusing. And you had a feeling the confusion started when you accidentally told your mentor that his eyes looked like the morning sky.

It didn't help that during one of your night shifts, you dozed off on his shoulder, only to wake up sensing the weight of his head resting on top of yours, his breath on your hair, your lips near his neck.

It didn't help that over your clumsy attempts of getting into crow pose, you noticed how lovely his crooked smile was, and how when he chuckled, his eyes crinkled up at the corners.

And it certainly didn't help that you woke up to skies as clear and blue as Bodevan's eyes.

Nevertheless, you kenned something was seriously wrong when Bodevan touches your hand, and you actually feel sparks fly ―although that's medical impossible and you are a doctor, you should know. Or that when he, for some miracle, looks you in the eyes, your heart somersaults ―another impossible medical matter. Or that when he leans in to whisper some of his intellectual jokes that most of the time, you don't understand, goosebumps wash over your skin.

Something is happening, something is definitely happening, you just refuse to admit it to yourself.

At downfall, Peera and Danny urged you out of duty so you could go back to the cabin and get changed. With pleading brown eyes, Peera asked you to wear something special. She's been saving money for a while ―turns out Bodevan not only built a miracle in the middle of nowhere. In like manner, he helps the Hambi to sell handicrafts and jewellery at a souvenir store―, and the past weekend, Rellian drove her all the way to Henties Bay to buy a beautiful emerald dress. Therefore, you stopped by the hotel boutique and used Ethan's credit card to buy a gown made by a fluttering pink fabric.

When one of the hotel vans dropped you off at Bo's clinic, you're welcomed by the melody Bodevan and Danny are crafting through their guitars. They are singing Guns N' Roses' Patience, and although the one with the good voice is Danny, you can't seem to drag your attention away from Bodevan. He is wearing a suave, intricately patterned mustard jacket, buttoned low so that his chest peeks through. You hate that he looks so good in it.

A wide smile spreads across your features as you cheer for both guys once they've strummed their last chords. And then, the smile is stolen away when a tall, leggy blonde [you've never seen before] is suddenly leaning next to Bo, a flirty smirk on her lips. The girl whispers something to his ear, Bodevan goes beet red but nods anyway. To your annoyance, he follows her to the drink station Peera put together ashore.

Bitting down on the inside of your cheek, you watch Bodevan lean close into her, turning on the charms he ignores he posses. You force yourself to turn away, squeezing yous lids shut to get rid of the disappointment that is dawning your heart.

Why the hell are you getting this affected by him? He is your mentor, your peer. You've known him for a grand total of six days. Most importantly, you are engaged.

A hand carefully resting on your shoulder, pulls you off your thoughts. You turn, only to come upon Peera. "Her name is Elise. She's been trying to get in his pants since he fixed her sprained ankle a week ago."

"She hasn't managed," comments Rellian, handing you a red cup filled by what you presume to be wine. Chardonnay. 80's music blasts from the speakers shove over Bodevan's desk, and Rellian offers you a hand, "Do you want to dance?" His voice is bright and warm, and his enthusiasm washes over you. It is challenging to pint-point him as the angry teenager Bo told you about.

"Absolutely," you take his hand easily. "I should warn you, though, I'm not very good."

"That's fine. We'll take it slow." Rellian's grin is so inviting that you can't be worried about your poor dancing skills, so you happily follow him out to the beach. The song is an upbeat one, which suits his mood.

"It seems you've fully recovered from Bodevan breaking your heart a couple minutes ago," he jokes

"It's a shame he didn't do any damage," you shoot back, obviously kidding. "If I was heartbroken, I wouldn't have to dance with you."

Rellian laughs, "I'm glad you're as funny as everyone says you are. I hear you're my brother's favourite, too." It sounds as if it is common knowledge. "And that your engagement is troublesome―"

"I wouldn't call it troublesome," part of you is sick of people saying that. Another part yearned for it to be different, although you know people speak the truth. It is troublesome. Sighing, you confess, "Ethan lied to me. He is married, about to get divorced but married still. We' have been engaged for over a year, and I just found out about it a month ago."

Rellian stops dancing for a moment, shocked at what he's just heard. He quickly picks back up, studying your expression for a moment. "I didn't realize that was what was going on," he says softly, apologetic. "I mean, you know I want my brother to get the girl, but I didn't want you to get hurt."

"Thanks," you shrug. "I feel stupid more than anything."

Rellian pulls you in a little closer, yet keeping a respectful distance. "Trust me, Intern, any man who passes up the chance to be with you is the stupid one."

"Bo just passed me up..." <<Oh my god. What is wrong with you?>>

"That's how I know," he replies, followed by a thread of giggles. On cue, you glance over Rellian's shoulder and find Bodevan dancing with Elise.

Seven glasses of wine have paved their way through your system, Rellian keeps throwing jokes as you swing your figures to the beat of the music, when you hear his voice beside you, "My lady?" Rellian freezes in the spot, a knowing smirk appearing on his features. Complicit glances are exchanged, and finally, you turn on your heels to find yourself face to face, lip to lip, with Bodevan Cash. "May I have this dance?"

That feeling, that indefinable something, courses through you. As dejected as you'd felt, as embarrassed as you'd been, when Bodevan offers that moment, instead of to Elise, you have to take it. Because the song is slow, and it is Guns N' Roses, and the waves are crashing on the shore...And you're drunk.

"Of course."

Bodevan, clearly drunk as well, entwines your hands together and walks you near the seaside, where the water can dance as well, underneath your feet. He doesn't seem uncomfortable, or as if he fancied to dance with someone else rather than with you. On the contrary, Bodevan holds you so close you can smell his cologne and feel his stubble against the skin of your cheek.

"I was wondering if I was going to get a dance at all," you comment, trying to sound playful. Bodevan succeeds to pull you even closer.

"I-I needed to drink up my courage, so my second-thoughts are over. Now I'm brave enough to enjoy the rest of the night with you." This time you can blame it on the alcohol, but as both always do near each other, the two flush furiously. Sometimes Bodevan's words are like single lines of novels or movies. After dating Ethan for so long, it is weird to flirt with a guy that turns beet red on the cheeks, shy to speak bluntly. Ethan does it without an effort, he always speaks his mind, whether to compliment or with the sole purpose to hurt. They are poles apart. In every way possible. Bodevan didn't go to Dartmouth like Ethan did, Bo acquired his vast knowledge out of countless books. Still and all, he is as good a doctor as Ethan Gandy.

You are kneen on different and too stubborn to accept it, but the racing on your pulse betrays you.

"You look lovely, Intern. Much too beautiful to be on the arm of someone like me."

"Someone like you? This has been perfect, Bo."

"Agreed," he giggles. "Let's do this next year. Danny will have a new heart by then."

You look at him. Next year?

"Would you like that?"

"I won't be here next year, Bo..."

He stops dancing. "Why wouldn't you?"

On a dime, it hits him. Thank God, because you don't really want to say out loud the reason why this won't happen next year, at least not with you present, is that you'll leave in a couple weeks, get married and never come back. Despite the words ain’t articulated aloud, you know Bo has heard them, and you know he espies the water welling up in your eyes and how hard you're trying to hide them.

"Intern."

You gaze down at the wet sand. The water suddenly feels cold.

"Intern, look at me," he says gently. "I'm such a nincompoop. I had just discerned tonight is all we have and I-I misused half of it by dancing with Elise." His voice is hoarse, frustrated. "I thought you felt secure in your standing." What? You are missing something here. Bodevan sighs, not relieved, but hugely nervous. The following words are said as his ocean orbs are settled elsewhere, anywhere, but your face. "Honestly? From the beginning, I've really only looked at you, wanted you." Bodevan manages to meet with your eyes, and his gaze is emotional, and blue and so deep that it overcomes you. So, for a moment, you duck your head. "I'm having a hard time accepting that you will leave... It's fine though, you'd be surprised how infrequently I get what I truly want."

You've treated with patients for years now, you've been trained to tell when they lie, how they're really feeling, find out their buried truths. And you can tell Bodevan is hiding something, some sadness he isn't prepared to share. But he shakes it away and resumes the talking, starting to sway to the music again. "But we have tonight, haven't we?. . ."—Bo looks at your eyes. Unwavering. —"There's only you, and me, and this beach. Tonight."

It takes you a moment to attain the correct rhythm of your breath and heart. You could understand the feeling— that it is unlucky, a kick in the ass from fate. Deep, deep inside you, you feel like that daily as well.

"We do," you whisper into his neck. "We have tonight." His lips are at your ear, kissing your earlobe. The arm resting on his back draws him nearer, and he mimics the action until you're physically closer to each other than you'd ever been.

You jump over a wave, and a chuckle bursts out when you turn around and notice Bodevan chasing you out of the sea. The level of alcohol is higher in your system, and your fancy dress is soaked by saltwater.

Bodevan runs faster, and as you're about to reach the back entrance of the teepee, he reaches for your hand, dragging you against his chest.

Before you can speak, he has you up against the wall, his body covering yours entirely. Bo is breathing heavily, panting, and you're just as breathless, not only because you'd just run like a madwoman. Bodevan's proximity to you and the way you can literally feel his chest rise and fall against you with his unsteady breaths is making your brain melt —even though you know, that is medically impossible too.

“What's wrong—”

He hisses and brings his hand up over your mouth. You halt, your breath stopping as you hear Peera and Danny's grunts and moans and pants.

With a crimson streak across his cheeks, Bodevan shuts his eyes and swears softly, not removing his hand from your mouth. You keep very still, trying to stay calm by breathing in and out through your nose.

"How do we proceed?"

"The hotel van will pick me up soon."

The pants grow fainter, but you're still able to hear Peera moaning Danny's name. You don't want to disturb them, or announce your presence outside, mere meters away from they having sex. This is their special night, and who doesn't enjoy a dose of birthday sex?

Bodevan doesn't let go of you for another 5 minutes. He just stands there like that, his forehead pressed against yours. Only when you are blinded by the lights of the van approaching, he quickly drops his hand.

"Peera and Rellian will take over tomorrow. We both have the day off. So see you M-Monday."

You swallow, "Do you want to come with me? I have wine in my cabin's mini bar—"

"Alright," mutters Bodevan, shaking his head at his very own embarrassment. "I-I would love to."

"Okay."

He smiles.

Breathless. That's how you'll describe your symptoms at this precise period in time. And you had been standing still for the past 15 minutes.

Why is he making you like this?

You catch his eyes widen in surprise as you grab his hand and lead with to the insides of the van. You greet the driver and set off.

After you’ve reached Shipwreck Lodge, and you fidget with the keys to open your bedroom door, you remember Elise and their shared laughter, their noses almost brushing as they talked, and how Bo dismissed the whole thing. Uncertain about the weird feeling stirring in your stomach, you say, "So you really don't like Elise, huh? She must have been upset to see you running away with me like that..."

Bodevan raises his eyebrows, "Oh, it's no problem at all. I don't care about her. A certain other girl caught my eye, you see. And I can't ignore her. Not when she robs my attention with every small detail."

Your heart hammers in your chest. "Oh. Good for you."

Bodevan shakes his head. "Not really. She's engaged."

You almost believe he will talk further, because of the way he glances at you, his eyes sparkling with things unsaid and his lips parted. Or maybe he is about to kiss you...

But he just drags his stare back to his converse, and you grab two cups and pour white wine, hit play on your Guns N’ Roses playlist and invite him to sit down with you at the edge your mattress.

You aren't sure how long you lay there, talking to him. At some point, your eyes start drooping, as are his, and you fall asleep like that beside him, bodies over the undo bed, feet tangled together, and your hair sprawled across his chest. Without even noticing that at some moment during the night, your engagement ring fell from your finger, leaving it empty.

ｎｅｘｔ►

#sorry for taking longer than usual #IT REALLY IS HARD TO WRIT E BO #ashore #ashore:two #George mackay #George mackay x reader #bodevan cash #captain fantastic #1917

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rinnnyxr · 3 years

Text

About my day | Bold what is also true for you :

I woke up around 8AM.

I woke up without an alarm. I woke up nude.

I woke up and drank water immediately.

I checked my phone right when I woke up. I checked my TikTok notifications.

I checked my Facebook notifications.

I then checked my email.

I then went downstairs. I got dressed to go out.

I was in the passenger seat of the car today.

I wore a hat today.

I put concealer on.

I put foundation on.

I put on powder.

I used a beauty blender.

I didn’t brush my hair today.

I wore ugg boots.

I wore jeans.

I wore a zip-up.

I went out to breakfast.

I had 3 cups of coffee.

I had a glass of ice water.

I had pancakes.

I had a bagel.

^ with cream cheese.

I saw friends today.

I saw my boyfriend today.

I saw my goddaughter today.

I gave someone a hug.

I gave someone a kiss.

I pet a cat today.

I uploaded video.

I took a photo today.

I updated that photo to Instagram.

I’m currently listening to music. I’m currently on my laptop.

I’m currently in PJ’s. I’m currently surprisingly comfortable.

I took a shower.

I took a shower but not alone ;)

I have the heat on currently. I wore a bracelet today.

I wore a ring today.

I listened to the radio.

I listened to music on Apple Music.

I didn’t post a Facebook status today. I checked the fridge and saw nothing appetizing. I washed my face.

I used rose water spray on my face.

I used a face moisturizer.

I googled a celebrity. I had cheese and crackers.

I may take a nap soon.

I saw my mom today. I saw my sister today.

I thought about calling my dad today.

I’m not currently wearing socks.

I’m not alone in the room currently.

It’s windy out today. It hailed out today.

I’m really thirsty.

I’m too lazy to get up and get myself a drink right now.

I paid for something with cash today.

I thought about cleaning my room but didn’t…

I listened to God’s Plan by Drake today.

I didn’t blow-dry my hair today. I’m gonna play video games soon.

I’m going to take some more surveys after this. I drank something out of the carton today.

I’m not leaving the house for the rest of the day.

I can see my pet from where I am currently.

There is a TV to my right.

There are headphones to my left.

It’s Sunday today.

I have work tomorrow.

I got in a small argument today.

I told someone I loved them today.

1. had sex? 2. bought condoms? 3. gotten pregnant? 4. failed a class? 5. kissed a boy? 6. kissed a girl? 7. used a little paper bag for lunch? 8. had a job? 9. slipped on ice? 10. missed the school bus? 11. left the house without my wallet? 12. bullied someone on the internet? 13. sexted? 14. had sex in public? 15. played on a sports team? 16. smoked weed? 17. smoked cigarettes? 18. smoked a cigar? 19. drank alcohol? . 20. watched “The Breakfast Club”? 21. been overweight? 22. been underweight? 23. had an eating disorder? 24. been to a wedding? 25. made fun of someone for being fat? 26. been on the computer for 5 hours straight? 27. watched tv for 5 hours straight? 28. been late for work? 29. been late for school? 30. kissed in the rain? 31. showered with someone else? 32. failed my drivers test? 33. ran a mile in less than 10 minutes? 34. been outside my home country? 35. been on a road trip longer than 5 hours? 36. had lice? 37. gotten my heart broken? 38. had a credit card? 39. been to a professional sports game? 40. broken a bone? 41. been unhappy about my weight? 42. won a trophy? 43. cut myself? 44. had an STD? 45. got engaged? 46. been on a diet? 47. tried out to be on a tv show? 48. rode in a taxi? 49. been to prom? 50. played a drinking game? 51. stayed up for 24 hours or more? 52. been to a concert? 53. had a three-some? 54. had a crush on someone of the same sex? 55. been in a car accident? 56. had braces? 57. learned another language? 58. killed an animal? 59. been at a yard sale? 60. been to a Japanese steakhouse? 61. wore make up? 62. talked to someone via webcam? 63. lost my virginity before I was 16? 64. had my wisdom teeth taken out? 65. kissed someone a different race than myself? 66. snuck out of the house? 67. bought porn? 68. had a virus on my computer? 69. had oral sex? 70. dyed my hair? 71. gone skinny dipping? 72. graduated from college? 73. wore someone else’s clothes? 74. voted in a presidential election? 75. rode in an ambulance? 76. rode in a helicopter? 77. caught the stove on fire? 78. got in a verbal fight? 79. met someone famous? 80. been on vacation? 81. been on a boat? 82. been on an airplane? 83. broken something expensive? 84. had surgery? 85. kissed someone before I was 14? 86. beat a video game? 87. found something valuable on the ground? 88. made a survey? 89. stalked someone on a social network? 90. prank called someone? 91. spent over $100 shopping in one day? 92. been to a library outside of school? 93. cut my hair and hated it? 94. peed outside? 95. went fishing? 96. helped with charity? 97. taken a pregnancy test? 98. been rejected by a crush? 99. been suspended from school? 100.broken a mirror?

2008 was a horrible year for me. Actually, it was the best. I’ve been on a cruise before. I like chemistry more than biology. I like taking surveys more than making them. I absolutely despise the color pink. I don’t have a significant other. I get all four seasons where I live. I only shop when I absolutely have the need to. I have an older brother. I have my driver’s license. I don’t want to have kids someday. I wear more jeans than skirts. I’d rather wear sneakers than high heels. I don’t go to church. I don’t like having my fringe in my face. I’m very much into heavy metal music. I own like, a hundred hoodies. I couldn’t draw to save my life. I’m a very good cook. I always have to look at the keyboard when I type. I’ve had surgery before. I don’t mind getting shots all that much. I’m not afraid of bugs. I love hot, hot weather! I have huge eyes and long lashes. I’m naturally very pale. I’m usually not very picky at all when it comes to food. My parents are divorced. I don’t like doing surveys, but I find myself doing them anyway. I’m addicted to Tumblr. I don’t have a Facebook account. I have perfect vision and don’t need glasses or contacts. I don’t wear makeup when I go out. I hate stores like Forever 21. I’m very much into sports. I don’t see what the big deal about photography is. Or fashion design. I don’t really appreciate art that much. Horror movies are my favorite. I don’t care if people cut in line in front of me. I don’t even remember the last time I put on a piece of jewelry. My hair is naturally straight. I support gay marriage. I have more friends online than I do in real life. My siblings are all older than I am. My significant other is younger than I am. I curse in almost every sentence I speak. I always get straight A’s in exams. I don’t know how to play any instrument. I only know how to speak one language. I don’t have my own personal blog. I’m allergic to something. I’ve been stung by a bee at least once in my life. This is the last survey I’m doing today. I have seen someone propose in public before. And they got rejected, poor bloke. I wonder if I will ever get proposed in public. Heck I don’t even know if I’ll ever get married. I know what a sake bomb is. I’ve tried it before. I’ve watched ‘Paris Hilton’s My New BFF’. ^ Ew, sad much? I think Paris Hilton is a brainless bitch. I celebrate Chinese New Year. I’m not Chinese or a tiny bit Asian at all. I have a step-sibling. I have a weak tolerance of alcohol. Are you kidding me? I can drink all night long! I want a new cell phone. I have my own bathroom. I sleep on a single bed. Nah, I have a King/Queen size bed! I think one night stands are no biggie. ^ Slut ^Prude I’ve been on a helicopter before. I’m actually afraid of heights. My date rented a limo to take me to prom. Pfft, I wish I had a date. I haven’t had my prom yet. I like clicking on advertisements. Pop-up ads are so old school. I recently took a bath. I never bother, I just take showers. My Christmas holidays were the bomb! Ugh, mine sucked like hell. I’d love to go to Japan one day. I’ve seen a ghost before. ^ I’d pee in my pants if I did. ^ No, I’d run and scream. I can write lyrics! I can, but I’m not very good at it. I would like to become a musician one day. I love finding things in sofa cracks. I know someone that’s trying very hard to fit in a stereotype. Every cup of water I drink equals to a trip to the toilet. I recently received my exam results. They were quite good! Nope, failed it all. It’s my boyfriend’s birthday today. He never gives me gifts. He buries me with them. I wish I had a boyfriend that actually spends money on me! I love him very much. The Beatles rock my world. Actually, a lot of classic rock bands rock my world. It takes me a really long while to get to sleep. I’m a personality quiz fiend. I am and have always been a night owl. I love reading Sarah Dessen books. My earphones are in my ears practically 24/7. I am an only child and that’s not because of any death. I hate school and everything else connected to it. I’ve never been in any romantic relationship. I have a lot of favorite names. And I plan to use those names on my kids. I’m reading a comic book right now. I’m listening to music right now. I memorize lyrics really easily. But memorizing stuff for school isn’t easy at all. Math is my worst enemy. I love bolding surveys. Nice and easy. I pick Guitar Hero over Rock Band. I really don’t mind being all alone.

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