WHAT KIND OF ART WOULD SOMEONE MAKE ABOUT YOU?

paintings

everything you do is a work of art. you are beautiful without even trying, simply lounging around looks like you’re posing and waiting for someone to sketch you. you come off as light and easy but you are often misunderstood. people don’t tend to see you for who you really are, and focus too much on how effortlessly you appear to navigate the world. there's some kind of darkness behind your eyes that only some can see under all the layers of paint.

Tagged by: @vilestblood kiss !!

Tagging: @dionidai (vratis), @vhgr (muse of choice), @s4ints (todd), @demonstigma

Question about medical care in Asgard… I'm talking about a case of Odinsleep/coma. How different do you think caring for a person in a coma would be on Asgard than on Midgard?

Gonna assume you're asking about the MCU as I answer this! 💚

With a Coma/Odinsleep .. Probably not too terribly different in act for the most part IF it's being treated like a regular coma; but incredibly different in aesthetic, and well.. it does get a little more iffy when you're talking about 'Odinsleep' in particular, even with what little we do know from what's shown and said about it on screen which I say by means of examples given, both canon and deleted from it.

Some things definitely do change if you take deleted scenes from Thor 2011 into account in particular though: as one of the things they removed entirely from existence in the cutting room in that movie, was something called 'healing stones.' They actually had two portions of scenes that they shot (one in the hospital after Jane ran him over, and one just prior to the final portion of the fight with the 'Destroyer' in New Mexico.) I'll slap them in here if I can find them out of my giant clips playlist of doom.

Sticking with just the canon though; and specifically with the regular coma treatment first? The first thing you have to take into account is that there are lots of different kinds of comas, and that even Earth-tech wise, some of them are going to be treated a little differently (short, long term, caused by external injury, caused by internal injury, trauma induced are a thing too.)

That said, the first thing we have on display as far as Asgard's medical goes, is something that unsurprisingly is a repeated major portion of their basic lore in the MCU: that they aren't gods; they're an elder race who have been themselves reaching into the cosmos for eons of generations even stretching back to at least near enough to the beginning of their universe well established enough then, to take note of the fact that the Infinity Stones made at the birth of that universe, were not made by either them, or by the other elder races like the Dark Elves, or the even older Tivan brothers: with single generations lasting as long as five thousand years.

Related to that is also the fact that they by the time in their universal timeline we do catch up with them: they are very clearly a warmongering/imperial colonialist society. Even before and likely during them, Odin made a generation of wars horrible enough to be called 'The Great Wars' among the lot that he and apparently Hela (who was clearly full grown --meaning she was anywhere between 20ish and 1000 years herself-- even in her mural depictions,) to spread his version of 'peace' through the removal of what other species he percieved as threats and competition (see Muspelheim, Jotunheim) going so far as to make certain they couldn't rebuild even their capitals.

Why is that important in this conversation? Because that also means including Bor and Asgard's previous generation five thousand years prior to 2013's invasion of the elves; they had been dealing with injury, illness and more among their own resulting from those battles: and yes during those thousands of years of conflict between Bor's crusade, and Odin's: they had lots and lots of extra time to improve both their tech, and any magic along those lines.

Which yes are actually two very different things, though from the looks of it are often interconnected in Asgardian society in particular, unlike on Earth; where medical technology is foremost, and sorcery/magic has been forced basically into hiding by centuries of the many different flavors (both in religion base and name) of Inquisitions on Earth over the course of over a millennia by the time the twenty tens roll around. We also know that they do posses some limited means through technology, of suppressing some magic; but whether or not Asgard in particular has evolved their understanding of sorcery in particular to do so on a magical level is questionable at best given what we've seen between the first two films alone.

Given the blatantly similar societal distaste for most non-combative magic, and even a good portion of combative magic for that matter that's pretty likely not the case: even Thor refers to his mother's skills and knowledge as "tricks." However, that doesn't seem to apply where the "Healer's Hall" inhabitants and actual healers are involved.

Most obvious example of technological vs magic, and those limitations I mentioned above that we have is a pair of scenes in TDW: the Soul Forge in the Healer's Hall vs. Loki's full-room illusions.

Soul Forge (aka Quantum Field Generator:)

This is also, one of the scenes that continues to show rather than tell, the MCU established facts of their advancement.. and their arrogance around it when dealing with what Asgardians otherwise clearly still consider 'lesser' races under their protection. Quite a contrast to Loki's interactions with Selvig and Barton delivering those two a great deal more dignity and trust in A1 too, while they're building the portal device ...but that's a whole other set of attached social observations and comparisons I'm not gonna get into here. The point of this one is: if there's magic there; they're making it very clear there isn't much of it, and doubling down on that whole 'not gods, only mistaken for them' far more interesting take, on which MCU Asgard was built since the very first movie. (again though, it also displays their arrogance in that direction, as Eir not only treats Jane's inquiry very dismissively; but gets flustered and gap-mouthed [literally] when she positively identifies the diagnostic technology being used. It also is one of the many displays of how differing etymology between cultures in the MCU [yes there are a few, including the Dr. Strange film as another major example of that in particular] is a purposely crafted thing.)

ANYWAY!

Compare that technological, with the feats of sorcery Loki manages in that same film. Not only does he not use tech to manage his magic/sorcery (or 'tricks' as Thor calls it lol).. but he does so behind the locked door of, that same level of technology, in his own prison cell.. and beyond it. While some of the deleted scenes show this too? The final cut certainly wasn't lacking either.

So, all that said..? And without dipping into the whole discarded-from-canon 'Healing Stone' facet: it's very likely with a normal (or normal-ish lol) coma, that it wouldn't really be that different: just easier to some extent and probably a lot faster to correct any issues with those caused by injury in particular.

However! And most important:

Odinsleep, is something else entirely.

From the first film, we know through dialogue that not only is 'Odinsleep' not a normal coma by any means: it's one that can, has, and with the way they talk about it: SHOULD be induced every so often in order to maintain his health.

Where do we get that and why do I say 'his' in particular?

Because..

1. It is called Odinsleep, which says outright that in the MCU either Odin is a common enough name among Asgardian elder generations to be named as such OR, that it's a practice that belongs solely to Odin in particular.

2. The conversation between Loki and Frigga tell us as much, in their conversation over Odin's bed. (PS I couldn't find the full clip immediately, so I am posting the full uncut scene [with deleted parts] instead. The part that I've marked it to (timestamp 1:06 in the video below if that doesn't work for you) is what you need to listen to most, and was part of the final cut in Thor 2011.

Though the way they cut and rearranged this scene has some of that conversation out of sequence, the information given about Odinsleep remains the same in the much shorter canon conversation.

Their conversation tells the viewer outright, that not only is that a thing he does regularly, but that it can be planned out and planned for: as they make a point of stating that it's only this time, the Odinsleep was unprepared for.. and, they have seen it enough for Loki's first words to be stating the fact he 'never gets used to seeing him like this' .. meaning? He has seen it enough times that he thinks he probably should be: but also that it's upsetting enough an experience to him, that he isn't.

You'll note that they also briefly discuss the fact that Odin had been putting the Odinsleep off. It was coming anyway and regardless .. and should have happened far sooner.

While it's not technically counted as canon on screen, there's a little more information given directly about Odinsleep in the parts cut out too, if you choose to observe and use them: as well as a more direct showing of what we already know even without that scene of how Frigga chooses to pass the throne to the only heir not currently being guilty of and banished for several counts of treason including restarting the war and disobeying the king in that bed, with Thor's invasion of Jotunheim landing him firmly on Earth with the very obviously earned traitor title.

I'll leave it up to you if you want to watch and or use any of that, and you definitely could; since it's -again- just dialogue telling the viewer what's already known simply by watching the other scenes around it in the canon cut, including and especially the throne room scene where Sif & the Warriors Three request Thor's return, regardless of not only knowing he was banished for treason.. but also having been the others to try to remind and convince him alongside Loki; to NOT commit that treason, prior to him doing it and dragging them along anyway.

All in all, through those scenes; we are given a very clear set of rules and information about Odinsleep either way. Which includes the fact that it can be a form of coma that probably should not be randomly interrupted or the subject brought out of it, where it's apparently necessary for the individual's overall health: but can also be a state in which they might spend the last of their lives.

In that, this also tells us that; there isn't a whole lot that even Asgard's greater technology, or even magic can or should do, to bring someone out of it at all.

And, from the way they do deal with their King going through it even by surprise: we know that there isn't much they can do at all beyond keeping him comfortable and as healthy as possible until the Odinsleep finishes it's course naturally... whether that results in the subject waking up, or possibly, dying.

There's no mention of anyone else going through Odinsleep.. but there's also no mention of whether or not anyone else HASN'T, either.

Either way, that scene alone does show and tell a lot more about Asgard's medical capabilities and some of their limitations too, even as a society that's been at war since before Moses (lol but true, especially counting Odin's dad before him fought the elves for what Odin himself identified as 'Eternities of bloodshed' that didn't end until almost 5k years prior,) even, when cut down to the re-arranged version put down in the film's final cut.

Ultimately, and that said?

I don't think caring for a person in Odinsleep would be different from what we see on screen.

A whole lot of trying to keep them comfortable, undisturbed, and healthy; while wondering and worrying when and especially -if- they'll even wake up.

--Post Script, and a more direct personal example: Incidentally, and if you're curious: I have written Loki as having gone through his own "Odinsleep" in twenty thirteen, in Book Two (Vestibule 1, Universe 8) of my Lokiverse project: GROUNDED. Yes, that underlined bit is both the title and a link directly to where that long fic is posted on AO3, if you're curious how I handled it there. I suggest reading the chapters leading into that segment to understand how that portion of their multiverse got there, but if you want to skip a bit, the Odinsleep sequence itself starts in Chapter Four and ends in chapter Five, and is ultimately among the last of events before a time skip all the way into Civil War's era. It's not the only time the muses use it, but it is currently the only instance I have published.

Been thinking about the Otohan fight (more specifically the deaths and revivals) in the Class Swap AUs. So... (and this will be two separate posts because they're going to get a little long)

Result of the Otohan Fight in C2 Class Swap

The combat would be fairly different for this one.

Orym would probably use a Fly spell to get his squishy wizard self out of (easy) range of Otohan. Rain damage from above ( Or support after getting on a roof if it requires Concentration)

FCG is abusing their rogue ability to Attack and Hide or Help and Hide to keep out of Otohan's war path

Fearne becomes an anti-echo zone with her Storm Aura. Auto-damage in a zone one-shots echoes no problem since they only have 1 HP

Chetney's running Lay on Hands to bounce people up. So he's chasing after Otohan's bloody trail for that and probably slapping her with Eldritch Blasts when he can

Imogen is still on run and hide as the main target. Throwing out some heals and damage, but saving some magic for Revivify in case the worst happens

Laudna is a monk and thus frontlining. Which means that Otohan notices "Is she your favorite?" much sooner in this fight, as Imogen is having psychic flinches every time Laudna gets hit, with full on panic when she drops unconscious

Ashton is doing more tanking than running, since he doesn't have movement bonus abilities. They're also a big fucking target in their Hybrid Form

Deaths in the Party

There's only one kill besides Laudna because she can't keep out of range as well as a monk while still helping everyone. Which, as said above, leads to Otohan figuring out who to hit to make Imogen lose it faster, so Otohan only makes one kill before zeroing in on Laudna and causing Imogen to explode and end the fight.

Chetney and Fearne are greater annoyances in this fight, being a healer and someone who can (literally) burn through Otohan's echo backpack's charges. But Ashton is the frontliner who's going to be getting in the way more, like canon!Orym.

So Ashton is the kill that Otohan makes before going after Laudna. Also, I already did Nana Morri to revive Fearne for the C1 Swap and Chet's kind of iffy on a revival quest due to his age (could raise him just for old age to take him the next day) and lack of devoted starting partner in Bells Hells to press for it.

Imogen immediately Revivifies Laudna, no hesitation. That's her person, and while she couldn't be swayed anyways, she also doesn't give the others time to even try or point out that Ashton has been dead longer

That's also the only Revivify the party's got. It's a draining fight/day, and Imogen is the only one with access to it at this time

FCG is particularly miffed about Imogen prioritizing Laudna without group input since Ashton is their buddy (and they've been a bit more successful in teasing out his trauma for therapy since Mastermind rogue gives them the subtlety to get past his guard. So they're closer in this AU)

They have to put Ashton in the hole with Treshi. He's just too heavy for any of them to reasonably cart around for the escape

FCG might hang around in the hole with the body. Corpses don't need to breathe, FCG doesn't need to breathe. It works out

Revival Quest

Bells Hells calls on Keyleth again for access to someone with the power to revive. They're also smarter about the spell components (seeing as they have a wizard, which is the type of person to be very mindful about that sort of thing) and purchase those ahead of time in Jrusar so they only need a capable caster

Keyleth takes them straight to Pike instead of asking Lord and Lady de Rolo for assistance. Ashton has no ties to Whitestone and they don't need the bankroll from the old royal vaults, so why bother the very busy important people when they can go straight to the semi-retired cleric baker

Pike tries to revive Ashton, only to find their soul is some sort of mess that isn't fitting back into their body. Like it's too many souls trying to come back at once, but also in pieces that aren't making a full soul

This is, of course, weird dunamancy feedback (as a side note: how do revival magics work on consecuted souls? Because I headcanon the galaxy brain makes Ashton an untraditional, accidental first life of consecution). The flavor is along the lines of all the potential lives being separate people but also simultaneously pieces of Ashton

So Bells Hells has to do a Spirit Quest to make Ashton's soul a cohesive enough whole for Pike to revive him

Laudna leverages her past as a body on the Sun Tree for Vox Machina to get the materials for the Spirit Quest spell. VM didn't save her, but they can help save her friend (No mention of Delilah is made, and the necromancer is intelligent enough to hold her silence lest this connection be severed. She knows Laudna and herself aren't strong enough to survive VM)

Bells Hells finds themselves in the purple and silver galaxy in Ashton's glass (that they've never seen before because the second mind dive never happened). There they find an Outline Ashton that kind of blends in with the surroundings who only says "Who am I?"

They all clamor about who Ashton is to them, which makes the outline!Ashton clearer/more solid, but really doesn't seem to be enough to bring Ashton back

Then Fearne mentions that Ashton was soft once, and a door appears

With no better ideas, they go through the door and find a village at the base of a mountain range. They explore the village looking for Ashton, trying to avoid the people there because they just don't know what this is or what's safe

Eventually they find Hishari Child Ashton. As they talk with him, they realize his parents are members of a primordial/elemental cult, and Orym notices the Ascendent Bridge Mountain, put together with the helmet Ashton stole, to realize this place might be Hishari (this also gives them the info to chase that Ashton didn't get since he was dead for the brain blast)

Once they convince Hishari Child Ashton to come with them, they're sucked out of there back to the star-scape. The Outline waits with Hishari Child at their side, more solid than before

Given that venture, BH realizes they have to sort of delve through portions/milestones of Ashton's life to answer "Who am I?" to collect enough Ashtons to restore him

They collect Orphan Turning to Stone, Criminal Cleric, Broken and Faithless, and Elemental Monster by the time they're done

Orphan is a search through Greymoore/Bassuras

Cleric is a surprise as Ashton had never spoken of how they were a cleric once, though they did advise Imogen on her skills at times. The Cleric comes with a risk of encounter with lawful figures or rival criminals to fight

Broken is a timed attempt to convince him to come with them. Failure to meet the time deadline shatters the scene, causing damage, before resetting for another try

Elemental is the unavoidable encounter. It's basically a Chetney Unleashed fight to collect Ashton's Hybrid Form. They can either chip away at the super-sized angry elemental to get the usual friendly one out, or try to talk him down to friendly

Once the Ashtons are collected, he's whole enough for Pike to revive

Laudna and FCG definitely take part in the ritual. I'm not sure if Orym or Fearne would be the third person

Ashton's very much floored and emotional to be brought back to the whole crew waiting for him and happy to have him back

He's also aware of all the running around they did in his head/past. And that, in a way, it was a test set by himself to see if it was worth coming back, aided and abetted by whatever the Higher Power behind that star-scape is. Which saved his life the first time, and gave him his blood hunter skills

This is where Ashton retakes their first level in cleric as they've found a higher power they can believe in again

Journey Home

Keyleth stuck around for this resurrection, so BH filled her in while Pike was getting set up for the Spirit Quest. And once Ashton is revived, kindly sends them on their way back to Jrusar since they don't want to stick around in Whitestone or crowd Pike's house

Not sure if they make it back before Eshteross is killed, but they spend the night in the Krook House so Ashton can have a night at home

Although I don't write fanfics now, I have had this entire Hisana lives! verse in my head. I hope you don't mind me sharing this here with you!

So in this verse, Hisana is not only alive but actually has spiritual energy and never abandons Rukia. And for herself and her sister's sake, she decides to become a soul reaper and meets Renji and his little band of hooligans on her way. Gets momentarily distracted by taking care of them and they all die till only her, Rukia and Renji are left. She somehow graduates academy and is quite good in Kido arts, gets scouted and joins fifth squad or something.

Then comes a young Byakuya who did notice Hisana cause of her Kido skills but did not care much about it back then. One day he ends up to see some members of sixth harassing her and reprimands them. It's late at night so he asks where she's going (away from dorms) and she informs him that she leaves for Rukongai everyday because her little siblings stay outside the borders. He accompanies her to their rented home because that is what he should do as a young chivalrous nobleman and that's how he meets the two little germlins called Rukia and Renji. Who notice his high noble status and decide he might be one of Hisana's new harassers and launch a war against him.

Now can you imagine a feral chaotic duo of tiny Rukia and Renji vs a young hot tempered Byakuya with only Hisana as the sensible peacemaker between them?

🤣🤣🤣

Yyyyyyeeeeah this is actually one of the major categories of Hisana fanfiction, they’re pretty common if you dig around in the depths of ff.net

Hisana never abandoned Rukia

Hisana is reincarnated

Hisana comes back to life somehow/never actually died (but we thought she did)

Based-on-Canon-but-Hisana-Lives!AU

ByaHisa origin story

Non-canon AUs (coffee shops and such)

I gotta admit, I am not a huge fan of 1-3, and even 4 is kinda iffy.

There is a certain genre of fanfiction that basically posits: What if major plot point from canon, usually a character doing a bad thing or making a bad decision, didn't happen? It's usually a case where the author likes a certain character(s) and wants a bad thing to not happen to them, except that the result of removing the action is to strip all the narrative juiciness out of the story.

I feel almost exactly the way about Hisana-never-left-Rukia fic as I do about most GinRan fic. I don't talk much about GinRan because my opinions are very specific on it: It was bad. Gin is a bad person who treated Rangiku in such a way that it's pretty clear she cut him out of her life before the main action of the story. Rangiku is better for him having died, but it's also completely appropriate for her to be devastated by it. The fact that he was secretly trying to get revenge on Aizen redeems nothing about him, because he did it in a selfish way, for a selfish love. Rangiku is a strong person, fierce and protective of her friends because of this, but she also carries a deep trauma that she’s not willing to face or alllow to heal. This is fucked up and it slaps. I do not want to read a fic where Gin is less selfish, or where he lives, although this one of the most popular form of GinRan fic. That is less good to me. I don’t even really like seeing them in a happy relationship in non-canon AUs. That being said, a great author can make this great. There's always the option in a fixit-AU to change the one thing that seems like it ruined everything, and then make everything worse instead, and I am a great fan of making things worse.

It is also the case that fanfiction, as a genre, is not the same as other literature. You do not need to write things because they are interesting or exciting. Fanfiction is for the author as much as the reader (perhaps even more) and this sort of story always strikes me as one that is more fun to write (or just to think about) than it is to read, and I am very supportive of that! I am sure that there are also people who enjoy reading nice stories where nothing bad happens. I feel like this correlates strongly with how much brain rot you have for the character/ship. I do mean this in the most affectionate way possible-- my tolerance for drippy Renruki fanfic is honestly pretty embarrassing.

The thing that I, in particular, do not really care for about Hisana-never-abandoned-Rukia fic is that it undoes every single interesting development in the Renruki romance. Rukia and Renji's core personalities and psychological hang-ups come out of the fact that they had to take care of themselves and did not have the love of an adult caregiver. Rukia being taken away by a man of immense wealth and status was such a tremendous blow to Renji's psyche, and the fact that he trained himself into the ground for the next 40 years has basically shaped his entire personality. Byakuya's separate relationships with Rukia and Renji are so interesting and so rich and so painstakingly constructed. Having Hisana in there as an intermediary just bypasses all that. I realize that most people who write ByaHisa fanfic are not writing it for Renruki purposes, but you have to understand, that is 98% of why I am reading it.

I will admit, I do not like kidfic generally because children are people and have rich inner lives and parenting is difficult and exhausting, yet this almost always gets reduced to "lol kids are funny and annoying" / "a grown person did one nice thing for a child, look at what a good parent they are!" I am sorry, I am extremely humorless about this. I am probably the only person the Bleach fandom who finds the Byakuya-Yachiru gag to be extremely tedious. (Like, I will do a light chuckle at the relevant Shinigami’s Cups, but I despise when people try to make it A Thing in fanfic) Literally, the last thing I want to see is my favorite characters reduced to the obnoxious children acting as foils for someone else’ meet-cute. I am sure many people would like this, I am just not one of them.

I’m even less of a fan of Hisana-comes-back fanfic, because I’m far more interested in Byakuya working through and learning to live with his grief, and it feels so cheap to me to just... have her come back. I would actually like to see the messy ramifications of this tackled in depth--but I have never once seen one of these that really deal with Byakuya having changed as a person. In fact, they rarely even have Rukia in them, which is the main thing I want to see-- she’s never even met her Hisana! How would they deal with this? It would be so, so awkward, which I guess is why people avoid writing it.

I think the actual problem is that most people write ByaHisa fanfic as a vehicle for Byakuya and Hisana kissing, a goal I respect but have very little desire for, personally. I like* Byakuya as a character because I identify with him**, not because I find him good romancing material. I mean, I get what people see in him, but he is absolutely Not For Me. Y’all can have him.

*”Like” is not the correct word for how I feel about Byakuya. The English language lacks an appropriate term for how I feel about Byakuya.

**When I say that I identify with him, it’s in the sense that I struggle with cognitive rigidity and connecting to others, and having unrealistic standards for myself. I am not in the 0.001%, nor have I ever attempted to have a relative executed.

Anyway, I say all this, and it’s not like it’s ever *stopped* me from reading a ByaHisa fanfic. I have a lot of opinions on fanfic plots, but the thing that is really interesting to me about fanfic is what people do with it. If a person has a delightful writing style and snappy dialogue, it really doesn’t matter if they have the most uninspired plot in the world. I have read many long and tedious fanfics that had one or two really really interesting insights or world-building ideas that I think about years later. One of my very favorite ByaHisa stories, A Thin Red Line, has many of the things I said I didn’t like, but it’s also exquisitely crafted and insightful, and willing to poke into the some of these corners, like, how does it change Rukia and Renji’s relationship if they were never forced apart? (and the answer is: it certainly doesn’t fix everything) I say I hate obnoxious kid stories, but one of my favorite movies is the original “Overboard”, in which the incomparable Goldie Hawn is menaced by a child doing a Peewee Herman impression. (My actual dream Byahisa fanfic is one in which Byakuya hits his head while on a Rukongai mission and Hisana convinces him that he is her husband and makes him do her housework and I *would* accept gremlin Renruki in this scenario)

Anyway, I support all fanfiction, whether it appeals to me or not, and if you ever do feel the urge to write it up, I can practically promise you I would read it.

TBH I think the whole "You didn't have an issue with this in 'insert x show here' but you have an issue with it in RWBY? What are you, sexist?" thing can easily be defused with a simple, "How did RWBY present this plot-point compared to the show I like?"

Sure, technically Cinder Fall and Darth Maul are the 'same' character, but how are the two presented in their respective shows? Cinder eats up screentime and none of it goes anywhere and gets frustrating. Maul is a relatively minor villain that had one season's worth of attention in CW and then was the villain of a few episodes throughout Rebels before getting killed off.

The only reason someone would be confused as to why people like Maul but hate Cinder is if they just read the two's respective wiki pages.

Really the whole "Your issues with RWBY are just subconscious misogyny" is just some people wanting to slap labels onto others so they can feel validated on not agreeing with their opinions.

Generally speaking, I'm wary of any take that boils down to a single sentence, "You're just [insert accusation here]." Not because such accusations are always 100% without merit—with a canon dealing with as many sensitive subjects as RWBY, combined with a fandom as large and diverse as it has become, you're bound to come across some people whose "criticism" stems primarily from bigotry—but because such dismissive summaries never tackle the problem a fan has pointed out. If one fan goes, "Ruby's plan was foolish because [reasons]" and the response to that is "You just can't handle a woman leader," then that response has failed to disprove the argument presented. The thing about "criticism" based in bigotry is that there isn't actually a sound argument attached because, you know, the only "argument" here is "I don't like people who aren't me getting screen time." So you can spot that really easily. The person who is actually misogynistic is going to be spouting a lot of rants about how awful things are... but very little evidence as to why it's awful, leaving only the fact that our characters are women as the (stupid) answer.

And yes, there is something to be said for whether, culturally, we're harder on women characters than we are men. Are we subconsciously more critical of what women do in media simply because we have such high expectations for that representation and, conversely, have become so used to such a variety of rep for men—including endlessly subpar/outright bad stories—that we're more inclined to shrug those mistakes off? That's absolutely worth discussing, yet at the same time, acknowledging that doesn't mean those criticisms no longer exist. That's where I've been with the Blake/Yang writing for a while now. I think fans are right to point out that we may be holding them to a higher standard than we demand of straight couples, but that doesn't mean the criticisms other fans have of how the ship has been written so far are without merit. Those writing mistakes still exist even if we do agree that they would have been overlooked in a straight couple—the point is they shouldn't exist in either. Both are still bad writing, no matter whether we're more receptive to one over the other. Basically, you can be critical of a queer ship without being homophobic. Indeed, in an age where we're getting more queer rep than ever before, it's usually the queer fans who are the most critical. Because we're the ones emotionally invested in it. The true homophobes of the fandom either dropped RWBY when the coding picked up, or spend their time ranting senselessly about how the ship is horrible simply because it exists, not because of how it's been depicted. Same for these supposed misogynists. As a woman, I want to see Ruby and the others written as complex human beings, which includes having them face up to the mistakes they've made. The frustration doesn't stem from me hating women protagonists, but rather the fact that they're written with so little depth lately and continually fall prey to frustrating writing decisions.

And then yeah, you take all those feelings, frustrations, expectations, and ask yourself, "Have I seen other shows that manage this better?" Considering that RWBY is a heavily anime-inspired show where all the characters are based off of known fairy tales and figures... the answer is usually a resounding, "Yes." As you say, I keep coming across accusations along the lines of, "People were fine with [insert choice here] when [other show] did it," as if that's some sort of "Gotcha!" moment proving a fan was bigoted all along, when in fact the answer is right there: Yes, we were okay with it then because that show did it better. That show had the setup, development, internal consistency, and follow through that RWBY failed to produce, which is precisely what we were criticizing in the first place.

What I also think is worth emphasizing here is how many problems RWBY has developed over the last couple of years (combining with the problems it had at the start). Because, frankly, audiences are more forgiving of certain pitfalls when the rest of the show is succeeding. I think giving a Star Wars example exemplifies that rather well. No one is going to claim that Star Wars is without its problems (omg does it have problems lol), but there's enough good there in most individual stories to (usually) keep the fans engaged. That doesn't mean that they're not going to point out those criticisms when given the chance, just that disappointment isn't the primary feeling we come away with. Obviously in a franchise this size there are always exceptions (like the latest trilogy...), but for most it's a matter my recent response to The Bad Batch, "I have one major criticism surrounding a character's arc and its impact on the rest of the cast, and we definitely need to unpack the whitewashing... but on the whole yes, it was a very enjoyable, well written show that I would recommend to others." However, for many fans now, we can't say the same of RWBY. Yang getting KO'ed by Neo in a single hit leads into only Blake reacting to her "death" which reminds viewers of the lack of sisterly development between Yang and Ruby which segues into a subpar fight which messes with Cinder's already messy characterization which leads to Ruby randomly not using her silver eye to save herself which leaves Jaune to mercy kill Penny who already died once which gives Winter the powers when she could have just gotten it from the start which results in a favorite character dying after his badly written downfall and all of it ends with Jaune following our four woman team onto the magical island... and that's just two episodes. The mistakes snowball. RWBY's writing is broken in numerous ways and that's what fans keep pointing to. Any one of these examples isn't an unforgivable sin on its own, but the combination of all of them, continuously, representing years worth of ongoing issues results in that primary feeling of, "That was disappointing."

Looking at some of the more recent posts around here, fans aren't upset that Ruby is no longer interested in weaponry because that character trait is Oh So Important and its lack ruins the whole show, they're upset because Ruby, across the series, lacks character, so the removal of one trait is more of a problem than it would be in a better written character. What are her motivations? Why doesn't she seek answers to these important questions? Why is her special ability so inconsistent? Where's her development recently? What makes Ruby Ruby outside of wielding a scythe and wanting to help everyone, a very generic character trait for a young, innocent protagonist? We used to be able to say that part of her character was that obsession and we used to hope that this would lead to more interesting developments: Will Ruby fix/update their weapons? Is her scythe dependency the reason why others need to point out how her semblance can develop? What happens if she is weaponless? Surely that will lead to more than just a headbutt... but now we've lost hope that this trait will go anywhere, considering it has all but disappeared. Complaints like these are short-hand criticism for "Ruby's character as a whole needs an overhaul," which in turn is a larger criticism of the entire cast's iffy characterization (Who is Oscar outside Ozpin? Why was Weiss' arc with her father turned into a joke and concluded without her? etc.) and that investment speaks to wanting her to be better. We want Ruby to be a better character than she currently is, like all those other shows we've seen where the women shine. Reducing that to misogyny isn't just inaccurate, but the exact opposite of what most fans are going for in their criticisms.

“Daydream.”

A/N: I have NOT written in a while. Or posted rather. It’s been.... a month??? I’m sorry. It’s been.. hard. I also have summer classes which are slowly choking me. Yey.

Anyway, I hope... you all enjoy? I think I’m rusty. There are a lotta plotholes and some... hhrnnghh characterization that i feel iffy about. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. 

Anywhooooo. Thank you to my lovely platonic crushie @tanuki-pyon hihi for allowing me to use your drawing for inspiration ;-;. Thank youuu <3 Hope you like this.

Enjoy?

~Shintori Khazumi

It is a bustling city, full of life and vivid color. The songs of the late afternoon played- their notes produced by that independent street musician, backed by the passing cars beneath the balcony, the rhythmic dripping of a loose faucet in the bath, and the rustle of leaves caused by a passing breeze that caresses her cheek.

 Life, color, music, and a touch.

 They all paint a particular picture- one of wine-red eyes, and a charming smile; brown locks that she had tucked behind a heated ear, adorned with exotic jewelry she had purchased for her.

 As she draws the cup away from her lips, she sighs in contentment, the distinctive taste of Boldo tea and the dimming rays of light blanketing the expanse of what she could see making her smile bittersweet.

 It's getting late.

 She knows she has to finish her packing. After all, this fleeting vacation is a dream she'd have to wake up from, come the morning rays of tomorrow. It was short-lived, but she'd like to think these few moments in the city or Buenos Aires are moments worth remembering forever.

 Even if there was a possibility that they were but a daydream.

 That she is her daydream.

 Her phone rings, and she sighs a different sigh. It's one of disappointment and reluctance as walks into the room, swiping the blinking gadget off the table. She taps the green icon, placing the device by her ear, eyes dulling as she listens to the speaker on the other end with poorly-veiled disinterest.

 ["-Are you listening?! Do you understand? The moment you step off that plane, your fiance will be there to greet you. Then he will drive you to work, and you will-"]

 Her face contorts in disgust at the statement. "He's not my fiance." She says, voice cold and adamant.

 ["Diana! How could you say that- about Andrew Hanbridge, no less! The man who has not once given up on you, unlike all the other low-life suitors out there. He's rich, intelligent, charming, and well-mannered."]

 Diana scoffs at the very first descriptor of the man she was to marry supposedly. 'Rich'. Of course he had to be.

 "Listen here, and listen well. You've been off on these silly trips, writing god knows what for well over ten years. It's time you grew up and got married, and inherited the corporation!"

 Diana grits her teeth, hands crumpling a few papers on the table. She immediately regrets that action as she realizes her manuscripts now have ugly creases in them, much like her own plans for life. Not that those were any easier to iron out.

 ["Then dinner at the Hanbridges will be at seven-thirty. Sharp. I have a dress prepared for you in your room. We will be discussing your wedding with And-"]

 And she hangs up.

 Turning her phone off, she throws it onto her mattress, the silken covers causing the device to slide right off and onto the floor with a thud.

 Diana curses as she rushes over, checking for any cracks or damage. She hasn't turned the lights on, and her open balcony does not give her much light, so she opts to run her fingers over the screen, praying she hadn't broken anything. As able as she was to afford a phone, that doesn't mean she wanted a change at any time.

 ...also, her number was saved here. Diana isn’t good enough with phones to know how to retrieve that.

 Diana sighs again. This time it is of relief. She leans back with a plop against the side of the bed, staring blankly at her wall.

 Tomorrow... she leaves.

 Tomorrow, she never sees her again.

 Tomorrow, she talks of marriage plans with two families who couldn't care less about what she actually desires in life.

 Tomorrow... she's gone. She may as well be dead if she wouldn't even be 'living' in the first place.

 Tomorrow...

 What would she be doing?

 Where would she be at?

 Would she still have the same smile on her face as she greeted the passersby who would freeze in place, stand in awe as time stilled for them as they become entranced in the magic that was her dance?

 Diana frowns.

 Would someone else fall in love with her?

 Like Diana has?

 ...Would she... fall in love with them back...?

 Diana feels a pang in her heart as she slumps to the floor, now lying against the hard wood. If she were back in the UK, she wouldn't be caught *dead* in this position. Her aunt would have her head.

 She blinks, staring at the ceiling.

 Oh? It's quite comfortable, she thinks, consciousness slipping into nothingness.

 //

 -It's a slap to her cheek that has her sitting up in haste, body moving in a trained way of self-defense as she arrests the perpetrator in a hold face-down onto the floors.

 "Diana! Diana! Fu- shit! Waitwaitwaitwait-owowowowow it huuurtsss, it hurtsssss!!!"

 And it’s a familiar voice that cuts through her panic, and makes her let go rather clumsily, resulting in more hurt for Diana’s victim.

 “Akko!” She exclaims, happiness and concern in her voice.

 “Well, you sure look happy. Are you into this sort of play?” The girl chuckles wryly, rubbing at her joints as she fixes herself into a seated position on the floor as Diana kneels in front of her, confused at the words.

 “Play?”

 “Yeah. BDSM, that kind of stuff.” 

 Diana flushes at the bold remark, floundering helplessly as her mind ceases to produce a coherent response.

 Akko watches her with open amusement, head resting against her one propped up knee. She hugs the limb, keeping her steady as she stares at Diana unabashedly.

 Diana stares back.

 “Wh-what.”

 “You’re beautiful.”

 “I-! Ah-uh, nnggh?!” Diana doesn’t know if she’s going into a seizure. Maybe she is. Maybe she should have gone to med school after all, to confirm-

 “Pff-” Akko begins giggling, then cackling, then just falling onto her back, hollering in laughter on the floor.

 “Wh-what! What… why are you laughing? I- Did i do something silly?”

 Akko wipes a tear from her eyes, laying on her stomach and propping her head up on both hands as she faces Diana. “You’re silly.” She teases, tongue poking out, eyes crinkled moons.

 Diana can’t help herself, biting onto the bait.

 It’s a deep kiss, and Diana didn’t know she knew how to do it.

 What do people call it? French kissing?

 They pull apart and Akko presses her sweaty forehead to Diana’s, chuckling breathlessly against her lips.

 “Many types of attacks today, Miss Cavendish. You are one powerful woman with a vast arsenal.” She jests, a hand reaching to cup Diana’s face and pull her back in for a chaster peck on the lips that turns into two, then three.

 “I like to have many options at my disposal.” Diana sighs into every brush of their lips, returning a few of her own, nipping at Akko’s bottom lip as she leads her into a submissive position, lying on her back with Diana hovering over her.

 “Boy, am I glad you do…” Akko whispers, eyes glued to Diana’s glistening mouth, the pair leaning closer and closer and- “OHMYGOSH-WAIT. THIS. This is not what I came here to do!” Akko yelps, pushing Diana’s face away and accidentally spraining her neck.

 Diana groans as she rubs at her nape, cursing quietly.

 “SHIT SORRY”

 Diana waves her concern away as she offers a crooked grin.

 “Sorry, sorry, sorry. I’m sorry, Diana. Sorry, I-”

 “Akko.” Diana giggles, carefully nearing the girl once again. She leans in slowly this time- just in case-, and plants a kiss on her cheek. “How and why did you come find me?” She asks, tone joyful, yet pained. 

 “Because I know you’re leaving tomorrow.” 

 Diana hears a record scratch, and the city’s music comes to a pause. It’s deathly silent, and her breath catches in her lungs, heart painful.

 Diana’s smile falls, as she places distance between them, sitting formally in front of Akko.

 “You…”

 “You told me in your sleep…” Akko murmurs, her words playing flashbacks in Diana’s mind- memories of a night that was not supposed to exist.

 “No- I… I… Akko…”

 Voices in her head play back all her duties, her realities that tell her that the woman in front of her is not a part of them. She’s a daydream, and she’s- as all daydreams are- a fleeting one.

 Diana has to wake up tomorrow morning. She has to go back tomorrow.

 She has to be ‘the real Diana Cavendish’ again. Not because she wants to be. But because she is.

 “Diana, I need to say that-”

 “Then- then…” Diana cuts Akko off before she can deal more damage to her mental state. “Then you must know… that being here… makes it harder for me not to leave.” Diana replied with a crack in her voice. “I can’t stay, Akko. I can’t. Even if I wanted to…” She whispered, unable to project her voice.

 “Diana, that’s not what this is abou-”

 “I can’t stay here, Akko! I’m supposed to go home and get married!”

 Her eyes widen, and so do Akko’s. Diana… doesn’t know what to say. Neither does Akko. They both remain frozen in time and in place.

 “I can’t… stay here… with you…” She feels a tear slip past her cheek… then another, and another, until they dribble down her chin and onto the back of her hands that are clenched on her lap. “You’re a daydream… and… and…”

 “A reality you won’t face?” Akko asks, voice surprisingly steady and clear. “I’m not a daydream, Diana Cavendish. I’m not a figment of your imagination.” She speaks, voice bolder as she gets up and walks up to Diana, making the girl crawl backwards as she hits her back against the foot of the bed.

 Diana gasps as Akko grips her collar, pulling her closer to her. She instinctively closes her eyes, awaiting a hit- a punch, a slap, whatever it was.

 And she gasps again as the soft caress, much like the gentle winds soothe her skin and her pounding heart.

 “I’m not your summer getaway, or your escape from real life. I’m not a fairytale to lull you to bedtime that you forget once the sun rises.” Akko explains with a crooked smile, tears staining her cheeks as she buries her face into the crook of Diana’s neck. Her breaths tickle Diana there, and her tears pain Diana’s heart.

Diana moves to wrap her arms around Akko, but stops midway. She… doesn’t deserve to do that.

 “...hold me…”

 But Akko deserves to be listened to. 

 And so, Diana holds her. She holds her tight, and she doesn’t let go. Not until Akko wants her to.

 “I’m not asking you to stay.” Akko murmurs against Diana’s skin as the latter runs her fingers through smooth strands of hair.

 Diana admits that hearing that statement hurts as much as it relieves her.

 Her sense of duty tells her she has to go back to her home in England and run her company, and yet her heart told her that Akko was her home, and that not staying would mean losing something that she might never be able to earn back again.

 As much as it pained her to know more, she needs to. For both their sakes. “Then what must I do? What can I- we… what do you want me to do? What do you want us to do?”

 Akko pulls back slightly, grinning sheepishly as she presses her feelings into a kiss against Diana’s lips, before pulling her up with her to head towards the door.

 Upon opening it, Diana sees a few bags lined up against the wall, ready for a trip to god-knows-where.

Her mind wasn’t registering this at all-

“Bloody fuck.”

“Took you long enough to figure that one out, huh?” Akko laughs, bringing their joined hands to her lips, and kissing Diana’s palm. “Weren’t you supposed to be the smart one?”

 “Well… I… holy shit…”

 “I had no idea you could curse like that.”

 “Mother of… my… arse…”

 “Mother of your arse? Really?”

 “Akko.”

 “Yes?”

 “Akko.”

 “Yes, Diana.” Akko rolls her eyes, as she pats Diana’s cheek with her free hand. “You’re supposed to take me with you.”

 “Bloody hell…” Diana murmurs. “Just marry me.” 

 “...”

 “...”

 “EH?! Really?!”

 //

 Bonus :>

 “So why were you in my room that night in the first place?” Diana laughs, running her fingers along Akko’s cool arm, holding her close as they snuggled together in a hammock, reminiscing a daydream so long ago.

 “Ehh... are you really asking me this right now? Diana, it’s been years since that happened.”

“And yet, I know you remember it as well as I do.” Diana laughs, knowing that Akko was rolling her eyes as she scoffs against her neck. “I’m right, aren’t I.”

“Cheeky.” Diana chuckles as Akko pokes her cheek in annoyance, but explains anyway. “I was knocking on the door, but you weren’t answering. I rang, and spoke through the intercom too. Then room service came by and I said I just forgot my key and they let me in.”

Diana feels slightly concerned about the security of that hotel. But wait, there are better questions that need answering.

 “... then why did you slap me?”

“...”

“Akko?”

 “Because you were asleep.”

Diana guffaws, disbelieving. There was no way she was that hard to awaken. She pulls back slightly, looking Akko in the eyes.

 “You couldn’t have woken me up other ways?”

 Akko looks away momentarily, feet already swung off to the side, as if she is about to step out. Which she did. 

“...no?”

Diana watches her skeptically, now also sitting up.

“Akko?”

“Well, you know. It was nice chatting and all, but maybe I should get back to my practice for my road show and...”

 “Akko? Akko… Akko why are you walking away? Akko- hey! Come back here- AKKO!-”

And she was gone, bolting like the wind, leaving Diana stunned and comically livid.

 “ATSUKO KAGARI-CAVENDISH, YOU COME BACK HERE RIGHT. THIS. INSTANT!”

ᴡɪᴛɴᴇss - Yoshikage Kira.

this has been a hiatus and a half, huh?

first of all, i'd like to apologise for the wait on this. and a couple of other requests that i've yet to do, but this in particular. because this is a good couple of months old and,, omg i can't believe it. i'm so so sorry

a lot has happened. college is back, unfortunately, and i've just been taking a lot of time to myself to avoid writer's block! as well as having wrote like 3000 words for this chapter and hating it all so then purging the vast majority of it to make it like twice as dark and gritty. kinda. still kinda iffy on most of it.

hope it's at least passable, and apologies that my long hiatus resulted in,, this.

anyways! here's wonderwall everyone's favourite hand fetishist!

series: jojo's bizarre adventure.

notes: yandere, choking, minor character death, general lack of niceness here.

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ♫ ⋅.} ───── ⊰ 

Work wasn't exactly stressful, but by god it was boring. Day in, day out; nine until five, nothing was ever different. Not that you'd expected anything different. It just came with the process of being an adult.

You almost snorted sardonically, thoughts wandering back to school. Back then, your head was full of dreams of grandeur, of something far better than some dead end job sat in an office, achieving nothing before death finally arrived. However those ideas were little more than delusions that would never be given the chance to develop to fruitation. Such were the realities of life, that childhood dreams very rarely were given the chance to become a reality. A truth. Something more than an unachievable, faroff pipe dream that could only be experienced through hard drugs or strange dreams that one would shrug off or forget by the time that a coffee is poured. Ah, speaking of, you could really do with one of those right now.

It was like he had read your mind, as per usual you'd found with him, as a cup of coffee exactly to your tastes had found its way onto your desk.

"Ah, thanks Mr. Kira."

You'd found yourself coming almost quite close with the man, despite him usually keeping to himself and separating home life from work. Well, as close as one could get to someone who seemed to distance himself from those who worked with him, anyway. In a way, you'd found it rather admirable. Some colleagues may have thought the same, or disregarded it entirely, with how they fawned over him. It was pretty gross to watch, but you tended to keep such thoughts to yourself. Life was easier that way, as less drama came from it.

Besides, you could see where they were coming from in a way. It was clear to anyone with functioning eyes that Yoshikage Kira was attractive, with immaculate taste that only seemed to compliment naturally good looks. Especially with his smile, which seemed so broad and genuine. You envied him in a way, with beautiful features and a smile that could make many a heart skip a beat.

Though you supposed that you were no exception.

Even now, after so many coffees brought to you and so many small sessions of idle chat, you could practically feel your cheeks redden as he spoke. Voice like honey and smooth as silk, with such a charming expression to match. You could only hope that your cheeks weren't as red as they were warm to the touch. As long as no one noticed, it would be fine. You feared you'd die of embarrassment if your little schoolgirl crush on your coworker was exposed, even at this stage in adulthood. It truly was a pathetic situation. Especially when you couldn't even dream of calling him by his first name else you'd immediately regret it from the sheer embarrassment it could bring upon yourself. Besides, no one called Yoshikage Kira by anything but his surname, seeing as he tended to keep to himself and no one was close enough to acceptably use his given name.

Then that smile emerged, and the revelation that your heart was not immune to the effects of his charm made itself known like a slap in the face. Oh, how the mighty do fall. Or how the pathetic fall further.

"You're welcome."

Just those two words, spoken like they were imbued with the very essence of charm itself, and he was gone. You almost sighed, whether from relief for your heart or some sort of wistful longing was beyond you. Perhaps it was even a combination of both, seeing as that would most likely be your only conversation with the man that day. Maybe even for the next couple of days.

That said, your cheeks felt like they were on fire. This interaction had been different, shockingly so, as there was something more than words there.

It was almost funny how things so quickly changed. From there you'd ended up in what felt like some sort of alternate dimension, as strange and silly as such a thing sounded.

"Don't kill me...! Please- please! I won't tell a soul, I swear!"

It was just a drunken night out; the first in a while and a chance to catch up with some old friends for the first time in a long while. Your separate careers had prevented you doing so for a good few months at the very least. And oh, how you'd wished it had been delayed for a few months longer. How nice it was to imagine how differently it could've all gone, to find comfort in the infinite possibilities of 'if', to seek shelter in it away from the harrowing present splayed out in front of you.

Or the lack of things splayed out in front of you, that is.

You were just a normal office worker who liked their morning coffees a little too much. This sort of strange, otherworldly phenomena were way beyond you. Was this some sort of dream? A sick joke that life had decided to play on you?

It was easy to believe that. Much too easy to fall into disbelief. And yet you couldn't do it, with your throat feeling like it was being constricted torturously slowly, closing in on itself little by little. Fraction of a millimetre by fraction of a millimetre. Tear ducts had long since dried up in your panic and sheer, unbridled fear. How useful they'd be now, adding any sliver of extra punch to your last resort: begging for your life from what you had believed to be your just-as-normal coworker.

His gaze was cold. Sharp as it seemed to pierce you completely, and only further convinced you that it was over. Useless to do anything but sit there on your just as useless, quaking legs and take the death he'd grant and hope to any and all forms of God that it'd be quick. Hell, maybe he'd just erase you completely. Like what had happened to the rest of your friends, drunkenly foolish in their suggestion to follow your coworker for the sole purpose of revealing your mundane, fruitless crush. How childish it was, and how unfathomably huge the consequences were. How what you'd stumbled in on, little more than a hand with no body in sight that he grasped so tightly onto, with a strange smell and thickness to the air. How quickly his head had snapped around as you'd all turned around the corner into the apartment's living area, bumbling and brainless as you'd almost literally stumbled upon such a horrifying sight.

The screams bounced around your head, echoing off each wall of your brain and skull and everything. Vibrating and reverberating through your skeleton, before crashing to a sudden, incomplete halting.

"You weren't meant to be here."

His voice was smooth as always, icy as it never was. You would've described it as uncharacteristically so, if you weren't so firm in your realisation that the Yoshikage Kira that you'd known was little more than a façade for this...

Whatever this was in front of you.

His eyebrows furrowed, perfectly groomed in their shape like every other immaculate thing about him, and you briefly wondered why he hadn't spoken about his obvious displeasure. You would've asked if you could, but the heaving movements of your body quickly told you the reason why.

You were laughing.

"Don't you think," and, as if you weren't already convinced your grave had been dug there and then, you decided to pipe up with your foreign, cracking and hoarse voice, "that I'd love to be anywhere but here, too? You think we followed you asking to..."

Asking to what? To continue that question, rhetorical or not, it'd require you to have an ounce of knowledge as to what was going on. You didn't even have a fraction of a fraction of a clue. And so, hysterical laughter finally grinding to a slow and weak halt, just like the rest of you, you abandoned that train of thought and speech completely.

"Just get it over with."

He was still silent, as if listening to the heightening of pride and lack of fear many humans seemed to have when realising that death at the hands of another was inescapable.

"I mean-" it wasn't even a laugh, more of a dry and desperate huff than anything else, "what are you even waiting for? I bet you're enjoying this, aren't you, you disgusting fuckin--"

Then you were cut off, a force akin to a truck at full speed crashing into your neck and

tightening

its

hold.

The prior panic and fear reared its head again in full force, limbs thrashing and clawing at thin air. You could feel the imprints of ghostly fingers around your neck, silently gasping in a greedy attempt for air and out of groundless shock as they pushed and slammed your already disoriented, powerless form into a wall and pinning you there. It was confusion, panic panic panic panic as you continued to struggle.

Air came just after the darkness threatened to invade, and your aching lungs welcomed it with open arms.

Whatever invisible, untouchable hand had grasped your neck was still present, if the grooves threatening to choke you within an inch of your life again were anything to go by.

"Now, now, now," he'd said, moving closer. Each step seemed to bring the already very present threat of immediate death closer, as if even one step into his shadow could wipe someone off the face of the Earth without a trace nor second glance. And, at this point, you'd believe it.

His mouth was moving, words spoken but drowned out by endless roars and waves of deafening white noise. You had to crane your neck to look at his face, and the hand around your throat used its thumb (? did it have a thumb? you didn't know, and didn't care to know at that point) to do so after noticing your lack of effort to do so. His eyes were daggers, and lip curled in disapproval.

You were looking at him, but all you could see were your friends becoming less than dust.

How their eyes, dull and lifeless, blamed you wordlessly with oceans of contempt. It was your fault for not stopping them, for having such feelings for such a monster. Even if you didn't know; you must've known! It was impossible for you not to notice something so inhumane lurking under that mask of pleasant smiles and warm small talk.

Even sharper than his gaze was the pain in your scalp as he wrenched your head to the side. When had he kneeled down? You weren't aware; you weren't present. But you were. Were you? Through his staring, you could see their tears and the unclosed eyes, wide and frozen in time. Doomed to shock and fear for an eternity.

"It'd be wise for you to start listening." They screamed at you, for you. To join them, that you would join them. To run, to lie down and just let him off you already. To scream for help, as if anyone who'd have offered help in the first place wouldn't have come running by now.

"What's the point?"

You were still snappy, it seemed. As if begging him to send you to meet your friends. Maybe you were. It would probably be better than teetering on the line of panic and terrifying calmness, seesawing between them with too much ease and swiftness.

"This is why you should've been listening."

He released your hair, cool and unsettlingly neutral eyes wandering to one of your hands. They were lay by your side now, having given up on your struggling some time ago. You didn't struggle when he picked one up, either, cradling it and rubbing soft circles into it. There was no reaction from you. Just apathy, letting him continue as he liked. It was easier that way, and would bring a less painful fate.

"It seems your manners need some work," neither of you were sure if you were even listening anymore. You doubted he even cared either way, with the way he tended to your appendage, "but there's time. We can improve it, can't we?"

Surely not.

Absolutely not.

If he was meaning what you thought he was meaning, you suddenly found that death seemed much more favourable. Desirable, even, rather than a resignation of yours.

"Don't stare so dumbly."

Yoshikage was quick to chide you there, and even quicker to strike you not-too-gently upside your head. Not quite enough to black you out, but definitely enough to daze you for a good while. Not that it mattered too much if you weren't fully unconscious; your chance of escaping was incredibly slim to none even if you did know the way. After all, Yoshikage's routine was perfect. Always followed meticulously. All he needed to do to make sure you didn't wander was to slot you in there as well.

Your hands weren't the most beautiful. Definitely not when compared to prior girlfriends of his, but (strangely enough) they weren't his main focus for once. It was everything else, too, from the curve of your smile to the lightening up of your eyes, to the way you styled your hair and the scent of your perfume. A combination of the small, meticulously analysed details that made you... you. And this strange fascination made you one of a kind. Dangerous, really, yet he couldn't yet bring himself to be rid of you.

Maybe one day. It would be easier to continue living that way, without you to confuse him so after a lifetime of being certain about everything he'd done. Having planned his whole life, only for you to upset it all and throw off the delicate balance.

He'd make it work. Until the day he could bring himself to rid himself of you, you'd stay no matter what. Even moreso after what you'd witnessed, after you saw what he hadn't planned you to.

Though you won't be seeing much of anything anymore, really. Three rooms maximum don't really offer much in terms of variation in sights.

Hello my lovelies im back once again with a song fic. I'm feeling SUUUUPER DUUUUPER iffy on this one, I don't like how I ended it but I'll put it up for now. Just know it may come down later for editing... anyways enjoy!

Pairing: Kyotani x Reader

Summary: loosing a match results in new friends and a new spark?

Warnings: fluff, and a bit of cussing here and there

Love at First Kick

       "Y/n please!" Oikawa begs. You briefly glare at the whiny boy. You grunt and struggle to win the arm wrestling match with Iwaizumi.

"I'm not going to be your-" you grunt again and successfully push Iwa's hand down on the table, "manager." You turn in your seat so you are fully facing Oikawa. The sinister look on your face is a complete 180 of how you normally look and act. "You interrupt one of my arm wrestling matches with Iwazumi again and I will send you to an early grave Trashbag. Now you two should go, you'll be late if you don't." You threaten. Oikawa smirks,

"You love me and you know it. If you didn't you wouldn't hang around Iwa-chan and I so much!" He lifts a finger as if a light bulb lit up above his head, "what about this? One more match with Iwa-cha. If you win I will stop pestering you about being our manager."

"And if I lose?" You dare to ask. Oikawa frowns,

"I'm surprised you have to ask Y/n-chan~" he returns to that stupid smug smirk, " I thought you were supposed to be smart. You are in smart classes aren't you?"

"Get to the point Trashbag, or I'm leaving." You threaten, he briefly glances at Iwaizumi

"If you lose then you have to agree to be our manager." His eyes narrow and his smirk deepens. Before you have the chance to argue Iwaizumi grips your hand. 

"I-... fine" you roll you eyes, "just be ready to look for someone else to be your manager." You agree begrudgingly. The match begins and you realize your mistake. While you had both been struggling for three round before this, you knew Iwaizumi had a bigger stamina than you. 'That asshole! He waited to ask for this match on purpose!' You thought to yourself as the struggling Iwa successfully slams your hand down. The moment he releases your hand you slam both of yours on the table and rise to your feet.

"Did you let me win earlier!? Because you were NOT pushing as hard as you were earlier!" You argue knowing you were wrong. Oikawa busts out laughing. Iwaizumi shakes his head,

"No, I just refused to lose this because I didn't want to listen to Trashy-kawa moan and complain for the next two weeks about failing again." He crosses his eyes and narrows them at you, " You let your guard down, not me. Maybe part of you wants our manager afterall." His eyes soften as you purse your lips knowing you'd been caught red handed. 

"I do not!!" You lied.

"Awe Y/n-chan~, or should I say Manager~. you don't have to be shy. You can say I finally got to you. After all everyone falls for my charms at some point." Oikawa teases before starting to run off. You spin on your heels and just barely miss being caught by Iwa.

'On the first day of class; you walked into the room; a hot little thing; with a bad attitude'

       You're hot on Oikawa's heels. If you hadn't been mad you would have fell over laughing when he looked over his shoulder and yelped seeing you so close. He busts into the gym where only one other boy happened to be. You kick Oikawa to the floor and quickly pin his arm behind his back.

"Damn Y/n I didn't know you were into that" Oikawa jokes as he winced in pain. A whistle rings out in the gym. Before you could do anything else to the aggravating captain a pair of arms wrap around you. Not knowing who it was turned all of your anger into panic. You struggled for a moment before realizing what you had to do to get free. You slam you head back/up hitting your capture's chin. Then you stomp on their foot as hard as you could. They release you. You spin and round house kick the boy kid that held you. You foot reaches the ground and a chilling grip lands on your shoulder.

"Y/n, calm down." Iwa's voice come from behind you. You work on slowing your breathing as you search for whoever held you. Once you spot him you look up at Iwa who nods and let's you go. Iwaizumi drags Oikawa off by the ear to the changing room where the rest of the boys were exiting from. You extend a hand to the poor boy, 

"Here." He looks you up and down, huffy, and grips your hand. As bright as his yellow hair was you could help but hold your gaze in his glaring eyes. His cold intimidating aura mixed and tangled with his firey, piercing eyes. You gripped as hard as you could and helped him to his feet. You could see his eyes soften as a warm light seems to hide behind the swirling honey brown pot for eyes he has. 

'And I knew, I knew; I knew you were trouble baby'

        "Are you okay? I'm sorry I kind freaked out when I realized it wasn't Iwaizumi who had their arms around me" you apologize. The brooding boy just stares at you for a moment. You purse your lips to the side and lift an eyebrow. After waving a hand in front of him, "hello? Did I really hit you that hard?" And calling to him he blinks. He shakes his head and sticks his hand out to you.

"Kyo- Kyotmmi" he mumbles as he keeps his eyes glued to the outstretched hand. You can't help but giggle and smile. You grip his hand and his eyes snap up to yours like an excited puppy. 

"Y/n," the two of you shake hands. Your hands part and fall to their respective sides. The rest of the team lines up beside Kyotani. You back up so you are in front of them but lined up with the middle person. They go down the line introducing themselves.

"Hello~! It's a pleasure to meet all of you, I'm Y/n! I will be you're new manager, so feel free to ask me any questions." You bow. "Pleasure to meet you manager!" All but one of the boys bow breifly and speak in unison. After a second or two Yahaba turns, slaps Kyo's back and laughs,

"Jesus Mad Dog. Breathe." The rest of the team joins in laughter. Once again you find yourself smiling and giggling,

"Relax Kyo-Kyo. I don't normally roundhouse people, just Oikawa when he gets on my nerves." 

       "Wait!? You roundhouse kicked Mad Dog!?" Kindaichi shouts with wide eyes. You cross your arms and rub your thumb back and forth on your bicep, 

"Yeah… again im really sorry about that Kyo-Kyo."

"I'm sorry did I hear you say Kyo-Kyo~? Awe Y/n-chan~ are you already falling for mad dog? What a cute nickname for him but kinda of opposite from his personality don't 'cha think?" Oikawa teases as he approaches the team with Iwaizumi. Iwa smacks the back of the captain's head. "Iwachan you're so mean!" Oikawa whines.

"Wait. Did you not say Kyo-Kyo? I- oh my! I-I I'm sorry, I really thought you said your name was Kyo-Kyo!" You blushed furiously as you explained yourself. The daggers shooting from Kyotani's eyes at his captain could kill an elephant. 

"Quit saying it if you don't mean it!" He barks at you as he turns his head to the side and stares st the ground. 

"What's that suppose to mean?" Yahaba jokingly elbows Kyotani who is matchingabout blush. Kunimi raises his hand to his chest,

"It was an accident but I think our Mad Dog actually likes our manager's nickname for him." Kyotani growls and glares at Kunimi. Oikawa stomps his foot like a child having a tantrum,

"Don't call him Mad Dog! That's my nickname for him!" Kunimi turns to his captain, pulls the bottom of his eyelid down and sticks tounge out. "RUDE! Don't do that to your captain!!" He chides. You watched as the other team members teases Kyotani while Kunimi messes with Oikawa. 

       Out of worry that the team was overwhelming you Iwaizumi gently places his hand on your shoulder. 

"Y/n?" You smiled and began to laugh. All mouths shut and eyes landed on you. You continued to laugh as the boys shared confused glances. "God, it's no wonder Iwaizumi is stressed all the time." You pause to continue laughing, "it certainly explains why on his bad days it's impossible to beat him in an arm wrestling match. He must be taking his frustration out on the matches. You all are insane…" you laughter dies down but your smile stays. "Losing that match might have been the best thing that's ever happened to me. I can't wait to manage you guys." You admit.

       Everyone shares a collective laugh and practice finally starts. Once it ends Kyotani runs up to you with that excited puppy look in his eyes again.

"Will.. will you arm wrestle me sometime?" He asks, his voice once again a mumble. You nod your head,

"Of course any time Kyotani!" His eyes became dim, almost as if he didn't like you calling him by his real name. He starts to shuffle away. You shake your head smiling yet again because of this hot-headed boy. "Hey!" You call out, "how about after some ice cream, you and I have a match?... Kyo Kyo~" His eyes light up but his face remains blank. You could see that inside he was smiling as he nods. Just like that your free night had a new date.

Taglist: @red-riot-rat @oof-she-needs-therapy @gayfanficanonymous

Please girl, I'm lost and need some context. What is this whole Destiel mess in these last days? I see it everywhere! D8

god i don’t even know i don’t even watch spn, i just know the three main characters names and general gist - i just love the memes involving it AND AT FIRST I WASNT GONNA EVEN GIVE CONTEXT SINCE I SHOULDNT SPEAK on something i Do NoT watch and never have watched ...but people enjoy outsiders relaying info so they can laugh at our expense and correct us for not noting every single detail we didn’t ask for or care about in the first place. This is ALL BASED ON TUMBLR POsTs AND NOTHING MORE:

• Supernatural is some show on the CW starring brothers named Sam and Dean (who hunt demons i think), and they got a bud named Castiel who’s an angel or somethin’— and has been airing for a decade

• Dean x Cas is a popular ship

• Said ship was teased constantly for nearly 15 seasons via showrunners, actors, etc etc (to my knowledge this was deliberate but idfk)

• no one REALLY expected it to become canon as far as i can tell

• fandom hit peak in 2012

• November 5th 2020: the not-finale happens and Cas confesses his love for Dean. He is swerved and sent to turbohell. [Side note: on this same night a rumor broke out regarding Putin resigning. So putin is now lumped into this ]. DESTIAL CANON and everyone loses their minds

• everyone yells about it being canon but also not really [p.s the ep after that doesnt matter too much in the meme realm] it somehow managed to be both pride and ‘no homo’ at the same time

• cut to November 19th: the true series finale airs. Cas is nowhere to be seen because being mentioned = having to face Dean reciprocating in some way. Sam has an ugly old man wig. A car goes to heaven. Cas spared from turbohell offscreen in an ep he doesnt appear in despite being a cast mainstay for a decade. DESTIAL NOT CANON? Riot ensues

• cut to. I guess the other day and the spanish dub (latin america) airs for the not-finale destiel confession episode. In that dub Dean actually reiprocates his feelings for Cas. DESTIAL RE-CANON’D [complete side note: people not knowing the difference between spain and latin america slapped me in the face more than it should] RIOT ENSUES

• also some stuff about the CW, censorship, confusing twitter threads, deans actor having the confession scene unedited on his phone ????, executive meddling??, actors being iffy on the finale, other stuff, i dont really look at this it’s none of my business

• im only invested in the rollercoaster of memes as a result of being an outlier of such a giant ass ship since finding out that random CW show i only knew of in passing back in 2012 had a giant fandom

• the meme story is still continuing as more production stuff is unleashed and unveiled since the series is over ... “for now...”

• right now the fans are in the investigative phase

• and i dont care for the details

• rest assured i will be right here when more info drops. Destiel is about as chaotic as the U.S elections (which all this happened around the same time anyway)

so this started out as just a general post about why i like cinderella adaptations, but slowly spiraled into a ranking/review of all the cinderella adaptations i’ve seen in my short, young life. so strap in for possibly the longest post i’ve ever made on this blog. (look, i never know how much i have to say about something until i really get going lmao)

idk why i like cinderella adaptations/remakes/spinoffs so much? most of them are garbage (especially the ones within the last 10 years don’t @ me) but fuck it i like this brand of garbage. it’s fun to watch these movies and rework the bad plotlines and dialogue in my head as i go along.

i guess i like the source material and some of the aspects of all the different adaptations, but honestly i just like re-imagining them because there’s only so much cringey script-written-for-teens-but-clearly-written-by-40-year-old-adults-who-have-no-idea-how-teens-or-even-people-for-that-matter-actually-talk-and-interact i can take in one excruciating sitting.

anyway here’s my personal ranking of all the cinderella adaptations i’ve seen that no one asked for. (not including stage productions because i haven’t seen any and have no opinion of them. also not including into the woods because that’s not just cinderella, but a spectacular amalgamation of fairytale mishap and shenanigan.) and reviews because apparently i had more to say than i originally thought when i first started constructing this list:

cinderella (1997) - the absolute best cinderella adaptation of all time, hands down, this is non-negotiable. this movie has it all: an excellent and diverse cast, gorgeous costume design, beautiful sets, some of the most dazzling dance numbers i ever witnessed when i first watched it at the wee age of 4, and a positive, progressive message that was accurate for its time yet also so ahead of its time. i cannot praise this version of cinderella enough, it is my all time favorite and one of my top 3 feel-good movies. if you watched it today, the effects might not be as magical compared to what we have now, but keep in mind it was released in 1997. anyway, the cast is truly amazing and so effortlessly inclusive (and honestly the fact that the prince was asian with a black mother and white father and they literally never addressed it was such a power move). i could go on about this movie forever (i’ll probably make a whole post dedicated to it in the future) and what it meant to me and many others as young, impressionable poc. in conclusion, this movie set an exceedingly high standard for me and destroyed the chances of any other cinderella adaptation even hoping to live up to that. i love it! so! much!

ever after: a cinderella story (1998) - tbh i never saw this until i was in college but i immediately fell in love. i love the flow of the story as a whole - i never felt like anything was missing. i love the costumes and i especially love how danielle and henry’s relationship progressed throughout the film. slow-burn comes to mind when i watch their interactions and we all love a sweet, sweet slow-burn. it’s romance babes! it’s Dramatic in a few scenes and all i can say is that it really works because drew barrymore’s performance is exceptional, fantastic, engaging, more adjectives to describe how enthralled by her i was. above all, her character is compassionate - she uses her voice to speak in support for those who are suppressed by the flawed government systems and law enforcers, and influences the prince to use his status and power to better his people who lack the privileges of the nobility. she’s such a strong female lead (emotionally and physically - she literally fireman carries her love interest, who is taller than her and definitely exceeds her own bodyweight) and truly the mvp of this adaptation. watch it. watch it for Her.

enchanted (2007) - amy adams and idina menzel - ‘nuff said. okay but for real this one is so unique with its transition from classic d*sney 2D animation style to the real three-dimensional world and i adore it to the ends of the earth. the music? slaps! the story? slaps! the development of the main character? slaps!! she’s so princess-y and d*sney cartoon-y and struggles in the real world, but she adapts at a good pace and i love that she learns to be realistic while also keeping hope and love close to her heart. also her mother figure / daughter figure bond with morgan is so so precious. the only constructive criticism i have for this movie is the fact that we were robbed of idina menzel singing!!! did they know all along she was destined to play the frozen queen years in the future and decided against her singing in this one?? is that it? ridiculous. it’s been over a decade and i’m still seething over this. other than that this movie is *chef’s kiss*

ella enchanted (2004) - anne hathaway’s back must still be hurting from carrying this film. (no shade to the other cast members, they’re good, but anne is a queen and i forever love her.) this is another childhood favorite of mine. the story itself is a refreshing take - hats off to gail carson levine for the source material! i’ve talked about the differences between the movie and book before in the midst of my reread of the book a few months ago, but i don’t remember how much i focused on the movie. it’s so different from the book that it might as well be its own thing. on its own, the movie is pretty decent! again, mostly because of anne. it’s funny, it’s sad (especially that scene towards the beginning between ella and areida, i’m in stupid tears every time), and it gets weird but it’s a fun time. the chemistry between char and ella is so zesty i can feel it through the screen, i swoon over both of them. tbh i probably wouldn’t like this movie so much if not for the fact that anne hathaway is truly talented and i spend most of my time watching it just looking at her. 

cinderella 3: a twist in time (2007) - i genuinely enjoyed and appreciated how the characters were written in this one. they all had clear motives and became much more dynamic through their lines and actions (drizella is arguably the most static character here but she still amuses me so it’s fine i guess). cinderella has more agency since the stakes are higher. prince charming actually has a gotdamn personality and has some of the funniest scenes and dialogue. good for him. i was kind of sad that anastasia’s story with the sweet baker boy was thanos snapped by the stepmother, but she and baker boy get a cute credits illustration together so it’s still canon! maybe i’m more biased on this one because i grew up rewatching it A Lot, but i definitely prefer it to the first and second movies.

cinderella (2000) - this one is kind of weird but i like it? the film has a really interesting vibe that i’m still trying to figure out how to describe even after seeing it like 5 times. wikipedia refers to the aesthetic style as “the glamour of the 1950s” which just might be as close as we can get. it follows the general guidelines of the cinderella plot, but the main differences were: zezolla (cinderella) was already helping with the chores before her father remarried, claudette (stepmother) was actively trying to murder zezolla’s father during their marriage, the stepsisters were much more violent and crass (they hunted zezolla’s beloved farm animals for sport and talked about getting “a man in [their] bed”), zezolla’s father was manipulated by everything claudette did and said and treated his own daughter poorly as a result, and prince valiant is honestly kind of a douchebag but seems willing to improve himself after meeting zezolla (basically his vibes are iffy but he’s willing to learn). this whole movie is pretty niche and i have yet to interact with someone who’s also seen it. and the only reason i’ve seen it so many times is because i just like listening to how the dialogue is delivered. (except for prince valiant’s random song at the ball, i kind of hated that and i skip through it every time lol).

a cinderella story (2004) - the classic hilary duff version. very cliche early 2000s high school romance, but it works for the cinderella narrative. not particularly diverse. a classic nonetheless. in my mind this is the pinnacle of the “modern cinderella movie” type. this is one of the most iconic movies for us zillennials and i’d like to think it’s known well enough for me to not go into a lot of detail about it. basically it was fresh and new for its time, had plenty of memorable scenes, and did i mention hilary duff? the film kind of plays into the “not like other girls” trope - as do a couple of the movies i listed above - but i’m just going to acknowledge that the early 2000s were Wack and simply move on. all in all, i like this movie for the nostalgia, iconic scenes, and hilary duff. also jennifer coolidge is pretty funny as the stepmother.

another cinderella story (2008) - again, an early 2000s classic, but this time with selena gomez. i liked the dancing in this one. i like selena’s quiet, somewhat timid characterization of her character, mary. and jane lynch in the stepmother role is perfection. she’s so fun to watch and is always hilarious. the story is nothing remarkable, but it’s okay and i liked it as a kid. after the hilary duff version, this one still managed to feel fresh because, though it was similar in its modern era approach, it focused more on the performing arts and dance. “cinderella” is an aspiring dancer, rather than the 2004 aspiring scholar. the “prince” is a famous popstar, not a football player. the stepmother is an outdated popstar desperate to stay Hip and Relevant with the kids, not a cranky botox lady. honestly i just love watching this one for the dancing, mary’s genuine and innocent love for the “prince”, and literally everything that comes out of jane lynch’s mouth. that woman is a dialogue gold mine.

a cinderella story: once upon a song (2011) - lucy hale is good. missi pyle is good. they play their roles and lines that they’re given fairly well. over all, it’s entertaining. lucy, of course, has them Pipes and i do like the songs in this movie. the only major downside for me was the “token best friend of color” trope. lucy’s best friend is an asian girl who’s good at sports and is there for one liners and support. the prince charming character’s best friend is a black guy who he only knew for probably a month at the most. he can beatbox, sing, and dj. basically he’s also just there as support. they really don’t do much for the plot but they’re there for diversity and whatnot. this movie is.. fine.

cinderella (1950) - the only reason this ranks so low for me is because i watched it a lot as a child when it was on vhs and it always felt like a fever dream to me. i was just really young and didn’t feel invested in any of the characters. it is a classic, though, and i would watch it again and be able to enjoy it.

cinderella 2: dreams come true (2002) - i liked cinderella’s and anastasia’s stories from this one. jaq’s was meh. it was fine.

dj cinderella or cinderella pop (2019) - netflix knows i like cinderella adaptations so, naturally, they shoved this into my recommended and, naturally, i watched it. twice. which is more than i can say for the following review... so this movie is brazillian and is pretty much the cut & mold of modern cinderella movies. but she wants to be a dj. she stars out living a perfect life as a wealthy girl with a loving family, but turns out her dad is cheating on her mom with his secretary. that’s when she “stops believing in love”. which is actually valid bc if i saw one of my parental figures cheating on the other, i honestly wouldn’t know what to believe in anymore. anyway, cíntia dorella (yes. that’s her full name.) and her mom move into her aunt’s place. a year or so passes. stepmother/secretary/cheating lady is throwing an extravagant birthday party for her daughters and hires freddy prince, a popular musician who cíntia doesn’t really like. meanwhile, cíntia gets a dj gig she’s excited for until she finds out she’s the opener for freddy prince at her stepsisters’ party. she ends up disguising herself as “dj cinderella” and freddy is super into her. it’s pretty generic from there but i was entertained enough to watch it twice. take from that what you will.

cinderella (2015) - ok so we been knew that d*sney’s live action remakes ain’t shit, and this one is no exception. d*sney within the last few years has been like 99% aesthetics and marketing. this movie was visually stunning, especially with the settings and costumes. those were the only 2 things i truly liked. everything else was forgettable. in its defense, i did read a post about the “have courage and be kind” message which is something wonderful to hold onto, especially for anyone in an abusive situation like ella. that’s valid and i respect that. i still lowkey hate this movie tho. i started getting a headache about 4 reviews ago, but remembering how much praise this movie got has reignited my fighting spirit. honestly if you like it, that’s good, you like what you like and that’s that. but this is my review and i hated how proper ella’s posture was (she’s been doing physical labor hunched on the floor for years now, how does she not slump around in exhaustion at the end of the day??), i hated how perfectly curated the whole thing was (again, that’s mostly because of d*sney and their aesthetics), and i hated how hollow everything felt. i can’t perfectly describe it, but i never felt emotionally invested in any of the characters. something about their performance was lacking and yet again i blame d*sney. i actually really like lily james, but something about the way she was directed left me devoid of emotional attachment to ella. i remember nothing about ella’s step family or the prince. that’s how much of an impact this adaptation had on me. also i just remembered the fairy godmother as i type this. i ADORE helena bonham carter, but this movie does a horrible disservice to her. if she liked working on this movie, then i’m happy for her, but even she wasn’t strong enough to sell this to me. i saw this movie in theaters and came out of it lamenting my waste of money that i could have spent on something i would have actually enjoyed. but the thing that enraged me the most, the thing i despised, i detested, the thing i seethed over and rant about to this day was the ONE (1) token black character. i don’t even know if he had a name but he was captain of the guard or some shit. if i remember correctly (but probably not tbh this movie was so forgettable), he was the one who heard ella singing and was the whole reason the prince was able to have her try on the glass slipper. this man, who had zero character development, zero relevance to the plot, an insignificant amount of screen time, is suddenly the reason the main character is able to finally connect with her love interest. um. What. i hate how the writers treated him and i will forever be filled with every last grain of salt over this. anyway he’s my favorite character and everyone else is just eh. to conclude this ungodly long review, i don’t like this movie. i tried to watch it again once but got so bored i quit 10 minutes in. do yourself a favor and watch cinderella (1997) instead. (the only reason this movie is ranked above the remaining 5 is the production quality. but i guess that’s unfair bc d*sney has the big bucks. and maybe i wouldn’t be so harsh if i weren’t sleep deprived and grumpy from a sugar-induced headache, but these feelings still come from my Chest so idk.)

a cinderella story: a christmas wish (2019) - i think we all secretly enjoy christmas-themed movies and this has got to be someone’s guilty pleasure. i was mildly entertained (but again with the cringey dialogue written by people clearly not in high school...) and i do like laura marano. but they autotuned her to hell and back - which i loathed - because the woman can actually sing and she has a lovely voice. she got to sing candidly one (1) time and i relished the experience. my ears thank her beautiful, un-autotuned voice. other than that it was.. fine. i didn’t hate it but i didn’t like it either. laura marano deserves better than this. (can’t say the same for the other actors tho because their roles were unmemorable.) also laura marano was super cute in her elf costume!

not cinderella’s type (2018) - i legit forgot about this one until after i compiled the entire list lol. i saw it on youtube and it was decent as far as i remember. it’s another modern day cinderella. i think the “prince” runs over “cinderella’s” cat or something?? i’m pretty sure it was her mom’s cat so now she has nothing left to remember her mom by. prince boy feels awful and tries to befriend her or do something to make it up to her, but she just doesn’t really like him. i think her aunt and uncle are emotionally abusive to her and prince boy does his best to be there for her without making things worse. if i remember correctly, i liked that aspect of the movie because it’s hard to be there for a victim of any kind of abuse if trying to help them could potentially hurt them more, especially minors still under the care of abusive guardians. anyway i think cinderella girl’s best friend is in love with her or something but she ends up not being into him and slowly gets together with prince boy. she eventually moves out of her guardians’ house and into the spare house at prince boy’s home (he’s rich or something). i need to rewatch this movie tbh i could be wrong about everything here lol.

rags (2012) - not amazing, definitely not memorable because i have nothing to say about its plot or writing, but it has keke palmer which is its one redeeming quality. also it’s the only one on this list where the male protagonist is the cinderella. so that’s solid i guess.

a cinderella story: if the shoe fits (2016) - this was a movie. it happened. i vaguely remember how ridiculous it was and sometimes i felt secondhand embarrassment. i don’t remember what about specifically, but i remember the emotion. sofia carson is a talented singer. i think she’s a decent actor but this script was Bad.

elle: a modern cinderella tale (2010) - i only watched this one because i was bored out of my damn mind and saw it on youtube. i felt bad for all the actors because this script was terrible. i don’t recommend this unless you’re about to sit down with your squad and make fun of it.

apparently descendants is on the “cinderella adaptations and references” list on imdb but i refuse to put it on my list because it’s not a cinderella-specific adaptation and i don’t like the descendants franchise. now, if we’re going to discuss a quality series about the children of fairytale characters, that would hands down be ever after high. but that’s a different topic for a different day.

thus concludes the ranking no one asked for but i felt compelled to make. thank you and goodnight

THE SITGES 2020 FilmFest ‘COVID19 IN REALISM’ REVIEW & REPORT, VOL. I by Lucas Avram Cavazos

How does one even begin to describe Europe's famed and favourite horror & fantasy film festival during a time when the very nature of a pandemic is like a theme for one of the films being screened? The dark irony was certainly not lost on me over the last two weeks, and as I traversed quieter Sitges streets this year, there was a sense of longing mixed with trepidation and goodwill that could best be summed up as everyone doing all they could do in order to muster and try to still have a-ahem- killer good time. Gone were the copious amounts of vendors and 'frikis' selling wares, gone was the lauded Zombie Walk, and gone were the annoyingly long lines and chipped shoulders as reality did its job. That job, for me any way, this year was to make a few decent contacts (score!), interview actress and Sitges Queen MC Melina Matthews (done...watch that fab interview here: https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=824908928247997 ) and screen a helluva lot of movies (20 and counting so far...thank you Online Vampire Press Pass 2020 AND Five Eye countries' pre-releases already screening!) As it stands, the cinema industry is reeling from its worst economic and setback labor annum in its history. Undoubtedly, film distributors and companies are, at best, besotted by that gnawing, iffy feeling that things may remain stagnant. Release dates are on hold and cinemas have been mostly closed for months and perhaps more to come.

The films to be reviewed here would normally be scheduled for release between their premiere at Sitges Film Fest and the new year but with the aforementioned industry stagnancy, it's most likely that many are destined for a later release date or, even more likely yet, a release on streaming sites that have taken over the entertainment world over the past half decade. On with the movies! 

2020′s Best Film winner Possessor Uncut marked Brandon Cronenberg's (yes, his daddy is David Cronenberg, so go figure) triumphant return to Sitges FF after winning the Noves Visions award eight years ago. I personally felt a wee bit underwhelmed with the sci-fi/ horror genre mix's rich take on elite assassins and a future where probes and dials may actually control our emotional wellbeing. You see, 'possessors' are assassins who have their consciousness implanted into others and then thereby are programmed to carry out whatever hits or rub-outs are needed. The film starts with a bloody bang and it cannot be understated that the intensity of the action sequences, the studious eye of Cronenberg (like his poppa) and the visuals he lays out for us are top notch and are a testament that filmmaking runs deep in his roots. Sure to find rapid international distribution, I was none too surprised by the film's win...nepotism has its favours after all! #### A Perfect Enemy (Cosmetica del Enemigo) is an oddly intense, wannabe mind-fuck of a film and the well-played annoyance of main actress Athena Strates takes centre stage, even despite a collective audience desire to slap the ish out of her. Or was that just me? Like any post-drunken, young, cute floozy of a girl, her character Texel Textor aids in the missing of not only her own flight but that of the unsuspecting architect shmuck Jeremiasz Angust (how apropos his surname is), who picks her up on the way to the Tokyo airport, one of his own designs. What ensues is a forced conversation that ends up delving into a story that must be followed to be believed. Based upon the novel 'Cosmetique de l'ennemi' by Amelie Nothomb, this latest work by Spanish director Kike Maillo is gripping and tense if a tad fastidious. ###-1/2 Mandibules skirts the genre of fantasy/comedy so well that when the film's main co-actors Gregoire Ludig and David Marsais won Best Actor(s) at this year's Sitges Festival Palmares ceremony, I was not surprised and immediately started laughing and clapping, because they stole the bloody show. Mandibules tells the story of two losers out to finish a heist so as to come into some much needed money, but what these two eerily engaging twits embroil themselves into is an absurdist fest. Stealing a car after a busted trial and error move, they discover that a huge, nearly meter long fly is stashed and thirsty in the boot of the stolen Mercedes! They end up foiling plans, destroying property and plotting a course that eventually leads to a bit of money and a lot of hilarious hijinks drama along the way! ###-1/2 There have been so many screenings done from the comfort of my own home so when I got to screen the new instalment sequel to Train to Busan, I was stoked. Not only was that original piece one of the finest celluloid tellings of zombie horror, but it breathed a wave of fresh eyes onto South Korean cinema. This new film is called Peninsula, and that's where they should have left it. Having seemingly little to do with the emotional original, this piece of experimental non-originality follows the aftermath  four years after the intense zombie apocalypse and takes place over in Hong Kong now. A guy ( a tad funny to be sure) named Jung-Seok joins a mission to return to a quarantined peninsula to salvage $20 million dollars left in a deserted food truck. What befalls is, you guessed it, another zombie attack followed by an ambush, resulting in another bloodbath but for what? I honestly don't see why, though... There is a joining of forces with a rag-tag team of ambush zombie assassins that plays some relief for Jung, but the lack of real human condition story, the addition of guilt actions mixed with dark humour and gore should be enough to placate the hungriest of pandemic-stricken horror lovers...but it’s not. Alas, for me, this was a Sitges FF letdown though the film is racking up the bucks in open cinemas worldwide. ##-1/2

So much more to come throughout the next week, as these films all start trickling bit by bit to open cinemas and streaming sites...STAY TUNED, luvs!

Day 55 of Pandemic, & I’m sick

Monday, May 4, 2020. Day 55 of the global pandemic (declared by World Health Organization on March 11th.) We as a planet hit 3,500,000 cases today, and 250,000 deaths. There are many more than that, but the planet doesn’t have enough tests.  But then, there was this announcement:

So obviously we’re in good hands. [Sarcasm alert.]

 The entire planet has slowed down, such that seismologists can detect the quieting of the earth: less shuddering of industry, cars, construction. Check out the drop in electricity usage:

Here’s a bit of perspective from Instagram:

The Lesbians of Paisley have been fertile ground for viruses. Valerie is nearly recovered from the viral pneumonia she was diagnosed with on March 26 at the emergency room at Lake District Hospital. She’d begun to feel feverish and achy, with violent coughing on March 15th, 2 days after what turned into my last day in my office at the hospital’s primary care clinic, and a day and a half after we’d dined with our friends Toni, Al, Bonnie and Bruce in person, sans masks. We began 100% isolation from the outside world the minute she felt sick. She recounted the ER adventure to a friend thusly: We drove in and they have organized a system that resembles getting on a [military] base after 9-11. We sat in the pickup at the checkpoint until a somebody in protective attire had taken my temp and saturation levels and asked a bunch of questions. Then they slapped a red sticker on the dash, told us to park in the ER lot and "don't get out of the pickup." Five hours later I had donated blood and been CAT scanned. I had two pneumonia shots that were current and two flu shots, also current. They checked the blood against 14 different virus strains and came up blank. The chest showed white lungs and my saturation levels were iffy. So they used one of the tests they had been sent, gave me antibiotics (just in case) and sent me home. Took me three days to sleep off all that fun.”

Me and Griffey the poodle waited in the pickup for her. At every sound, he got up from the passenger’s seat and looked at the ER entrance where she’d disappeared. No Valerie? Back to sleep. I walked him 3 times.      Hope, her RN daughter, told us that her flow through the ER was great practice in maintaining distance and perfect hygienic process through the CT scan, taking blood, even pushing her food on a tray to her. Lake Health District Hospital is prepared, and still, technically speaking, zero cases in the county.

I was so anxious about her health, her ability to breathe, that I gave up all thought of working from home. I listened to her breathing and coughing, brought her tea, and finally, asked her to write out her last will and testament. She did, and put it away. I figured, her kids are wonderful and won’t fight about stuff but, better for her to express her wishes, even if the paper wouldn’t be legally binding.

Apparently, I get the FrankenDodge (the pickup which has hit one too many deer and who’s grill is sewn together by wire). I’ll take it but I’d much rather have her.

We waited 10 days for the nasal swab results. While we waited, she got better. Never had that cytokine storm, nor that respiratory crash. Storms and crashes; pretty apt words for the medical horror of end stage COVID-19. Once her test came back negative, despite the warning of her PCP who says that nasal swabs miss between 30 and 47% of positive cases, I was able to go to town on the 10th of April, get some software downloaded onto the computer so I could work from home, and hit Safeway while wearing a mask. I also dropped off one of Valerie’s homemade masks to a friend, along with some toilet paper illustrated with Trump’s kissy face. The moment of levity was greatly appreciated.

I started feeling lousy six days after my jaunt to Lakeview (April 16th). Cough and release of gook high up in my chest. Headache. No fever. Who knows if I have COVID-19. We listen to a British gentleman, Dr. Campbell, daily, as he reviews what’s going on globally, and he interviewed a woman who had exactly my illness course, before she moved on to fever and gastrointestinal symptoms. She never got tested. Too much hassle. Which is so ridiculous, criminal really, and in the USA, a direct result of American hubris and incompetence. Fine. Anyone with any symptoms of any illness is isolated until we have a vaccine and treatment, is my prediction. I’m still feeling shitty, though better. Started taking antibiotics just in case and in the hopes of recovering SOMEDAY.

 My son Jonah and his girlfriend June escaped just in time the terrible plight of New York’s COVID19 deluge of infections and hospitalizations. They’ve been in Baltimore at June’s mother’s beautiful home. He spent his 26th birthday in the basement because they were still in quarantine. See adorable picture, below. Now they’re allowed upstairs, enjoying the quiet. Apparently, writing and directing music videos is not an essential service during a pandemic, but he’s writing pitches and living off the most recent lucrative gig with Kesha, thank goodness.

One of the most moving things that is happening in the USA during this time is the 7pm clapping ritual for medical workers and first responders in New York City, in all the boroughs:

There’s a firefighter in DC who’s going to hospitals and nursing homes to play the bagpipe.

That’s where my daughter Clara lives, in DC, but right now she’s staying with a friend in Laurel, MD, since her group house dynamics are stressful and had a symptomatic guest at last report. She’s working from home to make sure the Latinx school children are getting the tutoring they need now more than ever. We worry about her husband Jose and his country, Guatemala, since there are COVID-19 cases down there, and refugees seeking asylum are being dumped there, with and without the virus. Over 700 cases in Guatemala as of today. We hope he will get to the USA this year. However, Trump referred to it as a shithole country, which doesn’t bode well.

My sister and her husband are well, thankfully. They work fulltime from home in the company of Pepper the cat and Darcy the chocolate lab. Yuuki, 25, stays there, too, mostly in their room; they are out of work and applying for unemployment. Kohji, age 28, works from home in DC and makes more money as a web designer than I ever will after 34 years as a social worker, but who’s counting. (I remember well the admonition of a field instructor back in 1987: don’t go into social work for Power, Pay or Prestige.) His girlfriend is probably out of work; she works for a nonprofit that plants trees in DC. Probably not essential work right this very minute. Makoto, 23, is out of quarantine and looking for something to do; he’ll be a senior at the University of Delaware this fall. As far as I hear on Facebook and email, the rest of the folks with whom I share DNA are well. So that’s good. I worry about my Aunt Mary Lee who is 87. But she says not to:  she’s fine and her ritzy retirement community in McLean, VA is on “lockdown.”

Psychologically, in the experience of quarantine and ‘social distancing’, there’s me, and then there are my clients.

My moods go up and down, but a little further down than usual. The terror that Valerie might die of COVID-19 has passed, but I figure I will always need therapy.  I have “Facebook messenger” video chats with my therapist, Darcy of Bend, every other week now, which helps. Having ‘Generalized Anxiety Disorder’ and a tendency toward major depression, I find therapy to be a corrective. A bimonthly tune up. Without it, I naturally veer toward negativity and neurosis, and a hypervigilance that served me well when I was a child, but is exhausting, overwrought and over-thought as an adult.

Psychologically, Valerie is always fine. Seriously. She was once told as a young woman by a therapist who’d tested her with the MMPI (the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory) that she was outrageously and puzzlingly normal. Now that she’s feeling mostly well again from the pneumonia, she’s been tearing up the joint, fixing the sump pump that apparently keeps this little house from drifting down main street on the wetlands it’s built on. Digging out the leaves from our irrigation ditch, chopping and clearing the wood from our front yard.

The BEFORE picture:

The AFTER Picture.

 And this happened one morning in March. Just a cattle drive past our front door.

Valerie’s planning a garden at her daughter’s place, which has a deer-proof fence and lots of sun up on the hill above us. A delivery of horse manure is scheduled, and the garden bed has been rototilled. Val’s granddaughter Jessica and her husband Alan are living up there now, working from home for their Portland-based gigs. They’re almost finished the 14-day quarantine since they moved down here. The new normal: anytime anyone leaves one locale for another, they disappear into strictest quarantine, not to leave their abode. Groceries are delivered to the doorstep. A recent day turned out to be Jess’ 25th birthday: I’d bought a canvas bag with a picture of a pug on it, like her dog Archie, and Valerie found something gluten free flour mix with fresh jam to give her. Birthday gatherings are suspect at the moment.

Here’s a lovely idea for quarantined birthday celebrations:

What a kind and generous offer.

Even in isolation, Val and I do socialize, on zoom. The one pictured below is church.

We ‘visit’ with our fellow parishioners from St. Luke’s on Sunday evenings. Then we say Compline together, from the Book of Common Prayer. My favorite prayer of all time is this one from that service.

Yes, shield the joyous. Because joy is fleeting.

Our writers’ group, Easy Writers, ‘meets’ on zoom every Monday now. I wrote this bit about my yarn for the prompt, ‘write something in your home that means a lot to you.’

I am doing a great deal of crochet and a little knitting.

Yarn is my comfort and my joy. It is the raw material I create blankets and scarves and hats with. My tools are hooks and needles made from wood and plastic and metal. My fingers are also my tools.

Some of the yarn is like cotton candy: spun mohair from a goat is said to have a ‘halo’ or ‘aura’ because of the gentle cloud of color you can see an inch or two away from the spun thread. Some yarn is like twine: you can see every string of ply. My favorite is merino wool and single ply. A unity of color that will not split. All for one and one for all, the fuzzy stuff is twisted and bound into a single string of strength…

My clients are stressed out. The pandemic adds a layer to the stress they were already experiencing. I listen and knit, from within the cocoon of the yarn room which my folks can see behind me.  One of my clients wanders about with her phone in her hand while I get slightly dizzy. I like this kind of counseling since I get a glimpse of my clients’ homes. Reminds me a little bit of being a geriatric care manager. You can tell a lot about a person from their home. From my home you can tell that I have a lot of yarn, and I work multiple projects at a time because there are piles of them alongside my recliner.  

One of the sad weights of being present for my clients is their level of estrangement for most if not all social connections, especially people with whom they share DNA. And every single one has what is called in the mental health world “complex PTSD” from multiple traumatic experiences.  I sit with them, on the phone or via video. I hope to model for them what Carl Rogers called ‘unconditional positive regard.’ I breathe deeply to release my own distress at their sadness. We explore one tiny step toward reducing their isolation, the sense of trust. All during a pandemic where other people could be carrying a potentially deadly virus.

It’s no wonder I’m pawing mohair out of screen for my own comfort.

Sometimes I email clients links or articles on how to keep their spirits up, or about good things that are happening instead of the dire predictions they’re listening to or watching. There is much to share that is hopeful.  I sent one to a client on creative ways to care for everyone and she shot back:

“I believe this is Liberal rhetoric. 

Esp the paragraph below:

 This current emergency provides the possibility for a new emergence—the birthing of a truly civil civilization dedicated to the well-being of all people and the living Earth. “

Oh well. We can’t have a truly civil civilization dedicated to the well-being of all people, now can we?

Sigh.

 Brilliant writing is being penned right now, since the entire planet’s human inhabitants are barely one degree of separation away from this virus, which is apparently ‘barely alive’ and therefore hard to kill, as it spreads onward to make millions miserable and hundreds of thousands die.

I’m saving articles from The Atlantic, The NY Times, and the Washington Post, and following a historian named Heather Cox Richardson who writes a daily blog called Letters from an American. In a recent post she writes:

“The big news … has been the ‘protests’ of state governors’ stay-at-home orders and mandatory business closings to try to contain the novel coronavirus …These protests are a classic example of trying to control politics by controlling the national narrative. The protests are backed by the same conservative groups that are working for Trump’s reelection. …These are not spontaneous, grassroots protests. They are political operations designed to divert attention from the Trump administration’s poor response to the pandemic. Even more, though, they are designed to keep the American public divided so that we do not protest the extraordinary economic inequality the pandemic has highlighted.

These protests have diverted the national conversation by turning a national crisis into partisan division along the lines the Republican Party has developed since the 1980s... The change of subject protects not just Trump but also the ideology at the heart of his Republican Party. Since 1981, Republicans have argued that the economy depends on wealthy businessmen who know best how to arrange the economy—the makers-- and that it is vital to protect their interests. Under their policies, wealth in America has moved upward. The pandemic has highlighted how these policies have removed economic security for ordinary people. They cannot pay their bills, and they might well turn against an ideology that uses our tax dollars to bail out corporations while they must risk their lives to pay their rent.”  [Emphasis mine]

I am so glad someone smarter than me can reveal the interconnections of what’s going on politically.

There is food for thought on Facebook and Instagram: in the guise of a rewrite of Mary Oliver’s Wild Geese, this poem.

Mary Oliver for Corona Times (after Wild Geese)

by Adrie Kusserow

You do not have to become totally zen, You do not have to use this isolation to make your marriage better, your body slimmer, your children more creative. You do not have to “maximize its benefits” By using this time to work even more, write the bestselling Corona Diaries, Or preach the gospel of ZOOM. You only have to let the soft animal of your body unlearn everything capitalism has taught you, (That you are nothing if not productive, That consumption equals happiness, That the most important unit is the single self. That you are at your best when you resemble an efficient machine). Tell me about your fictions, the ones you’ve been sold, the ones you sheepishly sell others, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world as we know it is crumbling. Meanwhile the virus is moving over the hills, suburbs, cities, farms and trailer parks. Meanwhile The News barks at you, harsh and addicting, Until the push of the remote leaves a dead quiet behind, a loneliness that hums as the heart anchors. Meanwhile a new paradigm is composing itself in our minds, Could birth at any moment if we clear some space From the same tired hegemonies. Remember, you are allowed to be still as the white birch, Stunned by what you see, Uselessly shedding your coils of paper skins Because it gives you something to do. Meanwhile, on top of everything else you are facing, Do not let capitalism coopt this moment, laying its whistles and train tracks across your weary heart. Even if your life looks nothing like the Sabbath, Your stress boa-constricting your chest. Know that your antsy kids, your terror, your shifting moods, are no less sacred than a yoga class. Whoever you are, no matter how broken, the world still has a place for you, calls to you over and over announcing your place as legit, as forgiven, even if you fail and fail and fail again. remind yourself over and over, all the swells and storms that run through your long tired body all have their place here, now in this world. It is your birthright you be held deeply, warmly, in the family of things, not one cell left in the cold.

-Adrie Kusserow

 Not one cell left out in the cold. Yes.

There is so much to be grateful for. I have a place to live, and even while paying off my bankruptcy debt, I have plenty. Enough that I can make small donations here and there. Here’s one cause I found: supporting foster children who were in college and now have no place to go. (Terrible visuals for the logo: it’s “Together We Rise.”)

Soon, the nights of below freezing temperatures will pass, and both Lesbians of Paisley will be healthy at the same time.  Perhaps I’ll get my Tricycle-for-Grownups serviced and toodle around for exercise. Perhaps the Stitch & Bitch knitting/crochet gatherings will resume, maybe in a park for physical distance and social connection.

And maybe I’ve already had Covid-19, and so has Valerie. Looks like 50-70% of all the people on the planet, not quite 8 billion humans so maybe 4 to 6 billion people, need to catch this thing in order to give our species herd immunity. Or WILL catch it because we have no way to stop it, only to slow the infections so that health care is not overwhelmed. We live and Love in the Time of Coronavirus, to paraphrase Gabriel Garcia Marquez. I maybe a libtard, a snowflake, a lily-livered liberal, who’s heart bleeds. But I agree with this sentiment, found on Facebook, our American ‘commons’:

Love absurdly and abundantly, my people. And wash your hands. 

Can I request Caring + Eddie, zachary, dick and Jason

Here it is, was tricky fitting all four characters in, so some didn't get as much focus as I would have liked.

_________________________

It's a well known fact that the Bats aren't very good at showing when they care. Well it's a well known fact for those who've been around the past four years. When they dragged a lost bird home on the basis of 'I care', they didn't quite realize how tricky learning to show those things again would be.

Dick has a pretty good idea for easing the transition, if he can get Jason out of the house that is.

Caring about Jason is hard sometimes. No, it’s not hard to care about him. It’s hard because, even with everything he’s done, they can’t stop, and all it’s taken to reach the point where they realize this, is Jason’s tentative return to the manor. It’s hard, because of all the things that Jason did because he thought they didn’t care, he doesn’t think they can care now. It’s easier for him to believe that he’s being kept around so they can monitor him for signs that he’s like a time bomb, waiting for him to explode, and not because the idea that he could disappear again is terrifying.

Because Jason looks at Bruce, and he looks for signs that all of Bruce’s stilted assurances are genuine, looks for the signs he remembers of the Bruce he knew who wasn’t a cuddle bug, but could still make it very clear that he cared, and Jason can’t quite grasp that this Bruce is different. That Bruce just can’t express things the way he used to, no matter how much all of them wish he could.

So Jason pushes, for those short minutes worth of emotion that Bruce just can’t express anymore. He brings up his death in casual conversation, throws the acts he’s committed in the times since like barbed knives that dig into his father long after the outward reaction has faded. Just a flinch or a hitched breath is all Jason gets out of it, but it’s enough until Bruce figures out what he’s doing and stops reacting. So Jason gets meaner and meaner and it’s just an endless toxic circle.

Dick knows it’s different when he’s there. Dick’s somehow gotten to be Jason’s favorite – the one good thing to come out of killing Joker that one time – and while Bruce has forgotten a lot about showing he cares in the years since they lost Jason, Dick’s learned a whole lot.

A lot, but not enough when it’s his father Jason wants, needs to give him that kind of attention right now. Just Dick could never be enough for that, no one person could and Jason’s on the verge of leaving, vanishing like he’s become so good at, and once that happens, Dick’s not sure there’ll be anything he or anyone can do.

So Dick does some research, and he makes some calls, he comes up with some very enthusiastic results. Then he goes to find Jason who’s unsurprisingly just come out of yet another argument with Bruce, in the guest room he’d claimed for himself.

”Waddaya want, Dickhead.” Jason says, not pausing in his methodical dismantling and destruction of a grapple gun.

”Dickhead?” He injects some hurt into his voice and looks over Jason’s shoulder at the steadily growing pile of mangles components. “What happened to Dickybird?” He pouts a pout that Jason doesn’t see. “Heh.” He shrugs, “I can work with that. Come on, I got us tickets for a magic show.”

“You mean I can leave the manor?” Jason gasps, then picks up a hammer and smashes a gear in a sharp, loud motion that Dick refuses to flinch at. Over the top as always.

”No one ever said you couldn’t.” Dick nudges his little brother’s shoulder. “Come on.”

Jason ignores him, so Dick nudges him again, and again, and again, each nudge getting progressively closer to a shove, until he’s knocked Jason of the chair.

”Shit.” Dick takes one look at Jason’s gaping mouth and wide eyes before he takes off, the scraping sounds of Jason’s pursuit following him moments later.

”You’re fucking dead!”

The wrestling match that ensues takes them clear across the manor. It only ends with a tumble down the grand staircase gets them a very sour look from Alfred who declares he needs peace and sends them out.

***

Outside the theater, Dick picks out the parts of Jason that match up with the memories of his little – not so little anymore – brother. The way the tips of his hair curl in all manner of directions now it’s gotten long enough and Jason has given up on combing it into a semblance of neatness. It’s all black, the white having been dyed out only a few days ago. The twist of his lips that displays his disdain for all the world to see. How the shuffling of his feet when he feels the eyes of strangers lingering on him and he turns to make sure Dick’s still there belies the true nature of that scowl. Dick grins and Jason turns to look at anything else.

”Can’t believe I fell for this.” Jason mutters, tucking his hands deep within the pockets of his large coat. It’s Bruce’s, just more proof that Jason needed to get out of that manor, he hasn’t even had the chance to get clothes other than the ones he had when he got there.

”Ah.” Dick resists the sudden impulse to tousle Jason’s hair already tousled hair while he can still reach it easily and instead sidles up closer to the kid. “I haven’t seen you in a week, I don’t do something and someone’s gonna steal my spot as your favorite.” Aw screw it, Jason’s only nineteen, he’s probably going to get even bigger, and Dick will have lost the window in which he can tousle his brother’s hair, so he tousles Jason’s hair.

”You’re everyone’s favorite.” Jason growls out and slaps Dick’s hand away and ducks out of reach, his scowl deepening. “And I’m reconsidering as we speak!” He tries to loom over Dick, but Dick’s been loomed over by taller people, and it’s not exactly intimidating when not even an hour ago he came this close to driving a spit covered finger into Jason’s ear.

Not when a glare from a couple of old ladies is enough to have Jason hunching into the upturned collar of Bruce’s coat like a chastised little turtle, his eyes shifting every which way. “A fucking magic show, I swear.”

”Hey, I distinctly remember you saying you loved magic.” Dick grins and plants his hands on Jason’s shoulders, steering his brother into the theater as the crowd starts moving, getting a weary frown for his troubles.

”I said I am magic, not I like magic, Dickhead.” So petulant, Dick almost can’t resist trying to noogie Jason’s head into that coat, but he does, because they’re about to go in, and he doesn’t want Jason ditching now that they’ve already gotten this far.

”Adorable.” He says instead, and squeezes his little brother’s shoulders just a bit tighter, to Jason’s inaudible grumbles of frustration.

***

Any idiot could tell you Dick isn’t paying attention to the show, that he has about as much interest in what’s happening on the stage as Jason does in learning miming, mimery… whatever the fuck it is that mimes do. However, Jason has never been interested in learning the art of the mime, he’s sure he’s never given anyone the impression that he has, but Dick? Dick had been ecstatic for this show. He’s just about literally dragged Jason from his very careful, piece-by-piece destruction of Bruce’s equipment, and now he doesn’t seem to give a damn.

No, Dick’s too busy alternating between no-so-subtly scanning the audience, and looking forlornly at the empty seat besides Jason, and the back to crowd searching. It makes about as much sense as anything else Dick’s done since he let Jason be dragged back to the manor in the first place. A short series of events that had given Jason nothing but a long series of headaches.

So Jason can’t really watch the show either, he’s too busy searching out either a threat, or whoever the fuck it is Dick saw fit to invite here with them. He hopes it’s the former and that the chair thing is just a stupid coincidence, and if – because the universe has apparently decided Jason’s life is a joke – it is the latter, and one of Dick’s nearsighted buddies is coming, he hopes it’s not his replacement Robin. Because that would undo a hell of a lot of work Jason’s still a little iffy on his willingness to maintain.

The show ends and that smug look Dick had had since the manor has faded, slowly, bit by bit, along with it.

”Not as fun as you were hoping Dickybird?” Jason knows his tone is a little spiteful and the tired frown he gets in response makes him think it’s more than a little. It’s reflex more than anything else, and he actually does feel a little bad about Dick’s loss of enthusiasm. So he awkwardly, and a little roughly, pats his bothersome brother on the shoulder.

”Did you at least enjoy the show, Jay?” Dick asks, a little more hopeful than peeved at Jason’s assumed disinterest for now.

This would be the time for Jason to lie, wouldn’t it? Not the time to say that he’s been too busy searching the audience for some kind of supervillain attack to watch any of the thing, but then Dick might ask which part of the thing he enjoyed. Jason looks to the stage in search of an answer, at the familiar young magician who’s still taking his bow, turning the flowers being tossed at him into doves that light up the theater before exploding in a shower of soft sparks. Real magic. It doesn’t give Jason a non-offensive answer for Dick, but it does give him a question.

”Hey, when did Zach get superpowers?” He lets his surprise settle thickly over his face and hopes it's enough to get Dick's attention.

”So, you know him?” Dick asks, looks back at the stage, then to Jason who nods.

”From a coupla Bruce’s gala’s but I guess?”

Dick’s reaction, as can be expected, is entirely over the top. His face splits apart in a wide grin and his hand closes around Jason’s arm like a vice and to begin dragging Jason through the theater. “That’s great! We should go and say hi.”

”No.” Jason says, with as little inflection as possible and tries to rip his arm out of Dick’s hold. “I already did one stupid thing with you today. Lemme go.” His attempts at escape prove futile, whatever the fuck Dick is, he’s got a good grip, and in the confined space of the backstage hallways, Jason doesn’t stand a chance unless he goes with stabbing. He is not going with stabbing. Not yet.

”C’mon Jay, this is just like the thing with Alfred, you know you wanna see him.” Dick stops and looks at Jason imploringly, like Jason saying hi to a kid he met maybe a handful of times four years ago is the most important thing in the world. “I’ll let you play dress up in my suit for another night.”

”Oh god, just shut up.” Jason does succeed in yanking his arm out of Dick’s hold this time, and he stomps by his brother before he has to find out if his face has really gone as red as he thinks it has. “I don’t wanna be anywhere near your skintight fairysuit again.” And he doesn’t, he really doesn’t, that thing was fucking uncomfortable, and he that whole thing’s brought him nothing but trouble. “Fucking hell.”

Dick’s chuckling under his breath as he follows after and Jason hunches deeper into Bruce’s ridiculously warm coat. Asshole. His parents really knew what they were doing when they named him.

All it takes to get them to the dressing room are a couple waves at the two staff members they pass along the way, so either he’s been here before then or the security is trash and they should all be fired. Doesn’t matter, it’s just in and out, all Jason has to do is open the door, say ‘hi’ and leave. That’s it, and it’s all he’s doing.

He thinks it’s all he’s doing until they near the door and hear the crashing and skidding of a scuffle within, maybe it is that they just got in because the security is terrible then. They clear the hall in the next few strides – hey, Jason might not know the guy anymore, but he doesn’t want to be responsible for a kid having his guts splayed across the walls of his dressing room – and it’s Dick who throws the door open, ready to get involved in whatever’s happening in there.

”I can’t believe you’ve done this again.”

Which turns out to be a very disgruntled Zach trying to tug some red meta kid through his window.

”Not my fault, the ticket burned up.” The whined, and there was a scrabbling from the other side of the wall that was probably his feet trying to find purchase to push himself through the window. “And my shirt, and my shoes…” he let out a huff that sounded more like a sigh, then a mantra of, “Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow…” when Zach took hold of his arms and started pulling again.”

”A normal person,” Zach gave a sharp tug, “would have used,” another tug, “the door!” he gave one last tug and managed to pull the kid through and into the room, where he and Zach fell to the ground in a heap of limbs and expletives.

”Swear jar!”

”Shut up Eddie.” Zach pushed the boy off him and, only after standing, he noticed the two people standing in his doorway. “Nightwing?” Zach blinked at them, then hurriedly started patting down his suit. “Were you…” he waved at the window, “or, was there something you needed.”

”We.” Dick grabbed Jason by the scruff of Bruce’s coat and yanked him into a very close, very chummy one-armed hug before he could duck it. “Just caught your show, it was amazing, wasn’t it Jason?” He doesn’t miss the way Zach subtly preens at the praise.

”Hi.” Jason gave a two-fingered salute, and then tried to walk away, as planned, but Dick grabbed him and pulled him close again. Yeah, he was definitely considering stabbing now. He glared at Dick to make his intent known; it was the polite thing to do after all.

”Yeah, and Nightwing’s the one who invited me.” Red Guy leapt to his feet, an uncomfortably familiar smile on his face when Dick gave an affirmative nod.

”I was getting worried you wouldn’t make it.”

”He didn’t make it.” Jason mumbled under his breath, but no one seemed to hear him.

”See, I told you I was… wait.” The kid turns abruptly from his very put upon friend, and back to Jason and Dick, scrutinizing them in a way the lack of pupils in his yellow eyes made it hard to tell. Eyes with a very familiar… shit.

Dick smiled, as he’d somehow caught on that Jason had caught in, fucking mind readers him and Bruce both, then had the gall to tussle Jason’s hair again before releasing him into the room with none too gentle shove.

Jason manages to keep himself from tripping and shoves his hands deep into his pockets when he comes to a stop a couple feet from Eddie. Someone else who’s probably forgotten him. “What they hey K.D, you forget the sun block or somethin’.”

”He made a deal with a demon.” Zach’s in front of his mirror, trying to straighten the damage that’d been done to his once neatly pressed suit by Eddie’s tumble through the window. “Thought you were off being a supervillain now.”

”I was never a fucking supervillain!” Jason growled at the guy, his hands balling into tight fists in his pockets.

”Swear jar!” Eddie yelled, pointing an accusing finger at Jason, the deflating almost as quickly, his face scrunching up in confusion. “Wait, a supervillain? Okay hold on…” He went back to squinting at Jason. And Jason, well he is a little insulted, he recognized Eddie despite the fact that he’s an honest to goodness devil now. Jason hasn’t changed all that much, at least not physically he doesn’t think.

”Yes, he’s alive, the doorway between life and death is basically a merry-go-round at this point.” Zach says, leaning in closer to the mirror to pat his hair into place.

”Yeah but…”Eddie’s eyes are wide now, and his bottom lip has begun quivering.

”Shit.” Jason mutters and looks back, but Dick has, predictably, abandoned him. Jason doesn’t know what to do here, with this… emotional type thing.

”Hot damn.” Eddie whispers, he takes a short, slow step towards Jason, reaches out with one hand to pat Jason’s arm, then draws back as though he’s been burned, which is kind of ironic, because the next thing he does is throw himself at Jason for a hug.

Hot damn is fucking right, Eddie’s body temperature is high as a damned boiler room. The hug chars the first layer of fabric on Bruce’s coat almost immediately, it thankfully doesn’t take Eddie long to realize what he’s doing. “I’m sorry.” Eddie’s lip has begun trembling now. “Knew about the life-death thing, but I didn’t think anyone I knew would… would…” He reaches out for Jason again, and pulls Jason into another scorching hug, and there goes the second layer of fabric, two more and Jason’s in trouble.

”Eddie.” Zach tosses a hairbrush at them, and Eddie pulls back again. “Now I’m embarrassed for you, because god knows you won’t be for yourself.

”I said I’m sorry.” Eddie said again, his voice coming one decibel from being a shout, he turns his eyes pointedly at the coat he’s ruined.

”S’okay.” Jason’s voice is a little tight, so he clears his throat and tugs on the coat. “T’s Bruce’s, and I’m lookin’ to wreck as much of his shit as I can get my hands on.”

The room is quiet for a couple of awkward moments, before Eddie speaks up again.

”Hey, hey, guess who’s a Titan.” Eddie stands so tall when he says it, puffs out his chest so proudly, Jason feels bad that he couldn’t contain his scoff, and surprised that Zach’s reaction is very similar. “Aw come on, both of you?”

”We’ll say nice things at your funeral.” Zach says, he’s magiced up another hairbrush, Jason wonders if he could do that trick with food too. “I’ll put on a complimentary show.”

”Yeah screw that, you didn’t come to my funeral.” Jason tries to put his hands back in his pockets, but the pockets and the coat choose that moment to fall apart into a pool of fabric at Jason’s feet.

”Hot damn.” Eddie says again, and he looks like he’s going to start crying again. “You’re actually alive again, how did that even, it’s just…”

”Didn’t make a deal with a demon.” Well not exactly. “Seriously, what the fuck?”

”Bitter you’re the only one in the room without a superpower, Jason?” Zach smirks, leans back against his dresser.

”Yeah, magical birdies seem real useful.” Jason toes the coat away from him and directs his glare at Zach.

”Weren’t you a magical birdie?” Eddie asks, cocking his head to the side. “What was that thing you used to say?"

No, there’s no way Eddie remembers that, and Jason never said it in front of Zach. Not even when they accidentally got their hands on that alcoholic chocolate.

”Being Robin gives me magic!” Dick, the fucking traitor calls out from wherever he’s disappeared to. Forget stabbing, Jason’s going to strangle him to death, slowly, when he’s done igniting some napalm under these two laughing idiots that is.

***

The thing is, Jason needs emotional to feel like someone cares about him, he needs spontaneous displays of affection, whether they’re words or touches that make it easier to believe. Just the occasional, an ‘I do care about you,’ isn’t enough, no matter how sincere or how much he believes it in the moment. The Bats don’t do emotional; they haven’t for a long time, Bruce being the biggest offender right there.

Dick can’t pick up the slack, no one person could, but no one person could pick up the slack when Dick had gone through something similar – similar, but so, so different – to what’s been going on with Jason Bruce. So Dick has filled that hole with friends who, through the years, have become as close as family.

Dick’s feeling pretty good about himself, that he got Jason around people he’s managed to hit it off with and hopefully not spending all his time being mad at Bruce will help Jason find himself more. It’s the best he can do to help his little brother right now.

He’s feeling good about himself, right up until he has to explain to Bruce a week later that his son has disappeared into another dimension with a couple of other teenagers in search of the Phantasm.

Yeah, “Oops,” doesn’t quite cut it.

20 Questions with Dr Ferox #23

Whelp, time for another blast of 20 questions and comments from the inbox. If you were brave enough to use your username I’ve tried to tag you (Thanks Tumblr) but if you were on anon, you’ll have to look yourself.

Would you folks be interested in me answering these sort of short questions in a video instead? Let me know in the replies. Now here we go!

Anonymous said: do u play mobile games on your phone, like animal crossing pocket camp? :O

No, should I? I haven't heard much about it.

@trisaratops45 said: Dr. Ferox, First off I just started following your blog and love it! I'm stuck using mobile so I can't see your faq information. I was just wondering if the clinic you work at sees any exotic or pocket pets? Of so what is your favorite to see and treat? Thank you!

Welcome! We don't see a huge amount of exotics at my clinic, we're not well set up for them, but ferrets are probably my favorites.

Anonymous said: do you follow any medblr blogs? and if you do, are you ever like 'thank goodness i don't have to deal with that' or 'man i wish it was that easy'? question tax: what is your favorite depiction of dragons from fantasy media

I actually had to go check which blogs I was following. No active medblr blogs in the list anyway. I often see real clients, in the flesh, and think 'Im glad i don't have to deal with that', especially when they describe to me their own gross medical problems as though I want to know exactly what's coming out of their orifices. All dragons are good dragons. I don't think i could pick a favorite.

@the-noble-banana said: What style of nail clippers are best for trimming a cat's claws?

Whatever you're comfortable with. I like these ones

Anonymous said: Do dogs get acne? Is that a thing? Just curious! Question tax: if you could shoot something out of your finger, what would it be?

They can get comedones with certain hormonal conditions (black heads) and can get pimple-like lesions with skin infections. I would shoot icy cold water out of my fingers. Great for hot days, and for stupid faces.

Anonymous said: Do you typically bandage and cover amputations? At the vet I worked at (I was only kennel so everything I saw was in passing) every animal who had limb amputation left after a day or two with the incision fully bandaged. My dog had her hind leg amputated and the vet (different one) had her in and out in under three hours and sent her home unbandage. Just out of curiosity is it case by case that you decide to bandage? Gave my mom a little heart attack seeing her all bloody and swollen

We might but a light dressing over them, but in an amputation of anything more than a toe there's often not much to bandage. Limb amputations are typically very high up the limb in dogs and cats and it's hard to bandage something in that position. Also, sometimes dogs eat the dressing.

@crimsonrose95 said: I'm not vet med, but I am into chemistry and physical sciences and the ask talking about chemistry being inconsistent is so weird a thought to me. Biology is way less consistent than chemistry like chemistry is mostly math with elements and compounds while biology is mostly names. It's just really interesting how most people start to think a science they don't like and have trouble in is just the science being completely inconsistent to them. Me included.

I get what you mean. Chemistry has a fairly distinct set of rules, even if they're rules you've not encountered outide of chemistry before. I was never a fan of physics, but it is consistent. Biology likes to bend rules. Life finds a way.

Anonymous said: Why does my cat yell when I try to use the bathroom alone? Question tax: what's your favorite thing about Australia?

Possibly he thinks you need moral support? Or that there's demons in there. My favorite thing about Australia is our universal healthcare system and gun control.

@foxtrottarts said: How common is dewclaw removal in dogs, and what are the benefits/downsides?

Hind dewclaw removal is relatively common at the time of deseing, if they're the sort that flop all over the place and lack a boney attachment. Front dewclaws are usually left, unless removed for a medical reason. I've written about it before here. https://drferox.tumblr.com/search/dewclaw

Anonymous said: Can a dog still have the MDR1 gene if they have never reacted to those drugs in the past (lets says a dog that has regular flea prevention of selemectin)

If the dog has only had a popular flea product containing selamectin but has never had ivermectin, yes they could still have it. MDR1 dogs typically don't react to that product, nor do they react to the annual heartworm injection.

Anonymous said: Hello, I had a question as google only takes me but so far, and the results were iffy at best since it's difficult to locate a vet or someone in a position who would know the answer. How much of a danger is animal or human saliva to pet birds? Some people say kissing the bird, or having another pet such as a dog lick/groom them is an issue, but I'm just lost on if any is true, and would love to find the answer. Thanks a ton in advance since it's all pretty confusing.

It is a potential issue. Carnivore saliva contains many bacterial species that can be devastating to birds or other mammals even through relatively small abrasions. Carnivores should not be permitted to interact with prey species and birds. Cats are especially risky because they're so pointy and because they effectively coat themselves in saliva when grooming. You can find some more information here.

Anonymous said: Hi Dr. Ferox, we recently had to put our cat down due to health issues. We're pretty sure he had FIP as the last week of his life he had every symptom but one. A website we saw said the virus can live in the environment for weeks afterwards and I was wondering if you knew any sort of approximate time. We aren't ready for another cat yet but occasionally foster a kitten and don't want to bring one into the house and have it get sick

I typically reccomnd 4 months, and replacing bedding, litter trays and food dishes. While you are probably fine with 3 months, given the incurable and devestating nature of FIP (Feline Infection Peritonitis) I prefer to err on the side of caution.

@kumoi-no-hikari said: I got a couple rats a few months ago and the lady I bought them from mentioned that most vets don't know much about rats and will probably do more harm than good unless the situation is extreme. Is that true? They haven't had any issues, but I'm worried about traumatizing them or wasting money if they ever have a problem.

Some vets will certainly be better equiped or more interested in treating rats than others, but you'll only know if you call around and ask them. If they're not keen on seeing rats, they might know somebody who is. I think saying 'most vets don't know X' is unfair when you look at the diversity of vets in the world. Call around, plan for the worst ahead of time.

Anonymous said: Do you know how taxidermy works? I plan this route for my cat when she's passes, do I have to contact them before the body stiffens or position her first?

No idea. But I would contact them well in advance incase they have waiting lists or something. But I would think very carefully about whether taxidermy of a pet is something you definitely want.

Anonymous said: Hey there! What’s your favorite brand of stethoscope?

The Littman is what I use and have been very happy with my Classic II.

Anonymous said:Our poodle mix loved grabbing a mouthful of food then running to the living room to eat it - not necessarily to be near us, he just would eat over carpet. Sometimes we'd rearrange the living room so it wasn't a direct shot from the dining room and he'd still run around the furniture to eat there. He also once pooped one piece on each stair when we were gone all day for some unfathomable reason.

There is so much that could be going on there, but since you didn't seem to ask a question I'm not sure what you'd like me to say.

Anonymous said: On the topic if dog eating things they shouldn't. A shitzu swallowed the end of a large chew bone whole and when she puked It up it was about the size of my fist.

Little dogs often seem to overestimate what they can safely eat. Westies seem to be the worst for this though, and are a common breed to see for stuff getting stuck in their oesophagus.

Anonymous said: About people thinking vets are scammers, my family was so bad with this when I was a child. I remember I had a sick kitten, I was around 8, it had some lung issues and I begged and cried to vet it and my dad said "pray really really really hard to God every hour, and maybe he'll bring a miracle!" and the cat died the next day :( I get so LIVID when people refuse taking their pets to vets for stuff that cannot wait. Makes me wanna slap those people senseless!

Your Dad sounds like a lazy asshole and a cheapskate. Even if god existed, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't appreciate being dialed up for a miracle like a pizza delivery.

Anonymous said: i just wanted to tell you that i recently adopted an older orange tabby cat (dsh) and he is large. like not just fat (which we are working on), but unusually tall and long. like. maine coon size. he has so far used his size to swipe bacon off a kitchen counter and remain an effective roadblock. he's very calm and sweet, i love my big fat baby.

Congratulations on your new addition! I'm sure your big orange boy loves you back too.

@mise-en--place said: Thought you might appreciate this. We got records on a cat today and on a previous visit they stated; "BCS 5/9. Cat appears to be about 7lbs through the gloves and towel." We got a good laugh, cat was actually quite calm for her visit.

I received a history for my old cat Dippa who had once very badly bitten this other vet that only said "Appears healthy in cage. Vaccinated in cage. Dr Ferox is welcome to come and perform a dental on her own cat any time she likes." I took that to mean "I'm not touching this hellbeast. You deal with her."

RWBY V5 Episode 8 Review & Possible Predictions?

Now I might miss some parts here due to how into the episode I get I tend to lose focus on the more important things, But know this is just my general opinion. You’re free to add your own and free to make your statements as you see fit. I also might rant a little so fair warning. Also if you guys are curious on my reactions to previous episodes I will be happy to write them too let me know. This also might include a little Bumbleby to some extent depending on where it goes-.. as I said I tend to rant. NOTE: This does contain spoilers of the newest episode so if you don’t want to see it avoid at all costs. ------------------------ Regarding the talk between RWY/Blake’s mention and Yang and Weiss’s chat:  Now I don’t know about a lot of you but the reaction Yang had to the mention of Blake. Is exactly what I both expected and wanted. I’m not sure how people generally feel about this but she’s reacting the way someone whose been greatly hurt should act. I know some people are gonna say something along the lines of “She wasn’t mad at Ruby or Weiss, why be angry at Blake. Ruby left too why isn’t she mad at Ruby like this” Okay lets back it up a bit to Volume 2 was it. Yang opened up to Blake sharing things that she probably hadn’t shared entirely with Ruby. Like I assume Ruby knows some of it but not as much as what she delved into with Blake. She put a lot of trust into Blake that night proving she cared greatly on her opinion and trusted her more then she let on. Now back to V5 when Ruby admits she misses Blake, Yang completely dismisses it claiming if she wanted to be here she would be. Her temper gets the better of her and she snaps at Weiss and Ruby before leaving. I’m beginning to think that while yes her PTSD does revolve around Adam and what he did to her arm but I think a big part of it also revolves around the people who left her behind. Now lets go back to v4 Yang’s nightmare. Something I took notice too thee was no sign of Blake in Yang’s nightmare, it was just Adam. Whether it went into a part of Yang’s psyche that Blake abandoned her there too when she needed her most. Which was confirmed back to this current episode. During Weiss’s talk with Yang you learn a little more about Weiss’s parentage. It’s no wonder Weiss isn’t a fan of her birthday given the whole thing that happened between her parents. She admits to Yang that she doesn’t understand the kind of loneliness Yang has because she had to deal with her own version of it. When Yang finally breaks down she admits to the fact that she was hurt that Blake wasn’t there when she needed her. Admits that she’s not angry at her for getting hurt but along the fact that she couldn’t trust them enough to open up to her to which Weiss brings in a very good point and this is why I’m coming to respect Weiss all the more. Lets once again trip back to V1-V2. Weiss didn’t care for Blake’s opinion on why she defended the white fang and was quick to assume she’d be in league with them after finding out about her once being a member of that very organization. Now given V5 Weiss is going out of her way to defend Blake and why she left, explaining that when Blake finally did let people in they all got hurt and she felt to blame. Her worst fear came be real and forced her walls back up which we saw in v-4 with her constantly berating and snapping at Sun. (Mind you sometimes he did deserve those slaps.) The fact that Weiss was so quick to come to her aid shows how much the group developed and I love that. I love this. While I do not ship Freezerburn (I know I’ve said that already) I do not disagree with why the fans do. Especially now. Anyway back to the point. After Ruby comes to check on them we pan over to Blake. Thus bringing my next topic to discussion. ---- Blake/Ilia confrontation: Now here’s another part that actually tore my heart a little inside. Once they pan over to Blake you find her thinking and I honestly believe she of course is made to be thinking about her team or it’s insinuated that way. She discovers a note from none other then Ilia herself. Now here’s the part of me that was begging, pleading that Ilia would not betray Blake every fucking fiber was making me cry out for her not to betray her. This is where you discover Blake’s development. While she does act to hide the message from Sun she is given a choice to tell him or let it slide. Knowing it will put her friend in danger she does end up telling him but we don’t actually see it till later. What really really bugs me about this is we find out something that kinda gives me mixed signals.  I understand Ilia’s point and why she wants the faunus to prevail and succeed in their mission. She apologies to Blake and right off the bat I roll my eyes and say “Fuck you RT” because I know why she’s apologizing we all know. Blake is taken down but not before we’re revealed with some-..very very sad yet confusing (to me) realization. Ilia actually confirms that Blake loved Adam while a lot of us knew it a lot of other people we’re kinda iffy on the whole deal but Ilia confirmed it but not without confirming something else. She wished Blake looked at her in the same way she looked at Adam.  Now when this is revealed I realize a couple things. 1. She basically admitted to being in love with Blake in front of two of Adam’s henchmen. Yes Ilia helped Adam but given Adam’s psycho attitude admitting that out loud in front of Adam’s people was not the smartest thing but to be fair Ilia was speaking out of hurt so I let this one slide. 2 Ilia was willingly going to give Blake to Adam, for someone who claimed to love her and probably still does given the confession she was willingly going to help Adam kill her parents and give her to Adam to be used for who knows what kind of reasons aside from hurting her. This part confuses me because she seems loyal to Adam but at the same time hates him for certain reasons. So this part in general confuses me and hurts me all at once. Anyway after Ilia admits Blake’s parents are in the way and that they need to pay (Not meaning to rhyme I swear) she leaves Blake to the other two faunus who helped ambush her (Who I will mention later). Now here’s another thing we find out. Blake had Sun stand near by in case something like this happened, I know Sun was probably hidden but come on you have three faunus with good hearing and your telling me none of them saw Sun or heard him..? I don’t know maybe I’m just being biased but whatever. This does not mean I have completely given up on Ilia though. Yes I’m still kinda torn on how to feel about her but I have not given up on her yet. (Wait for predictions.)  Fast forward a little bit to Blake calling her parents to which we see them fighting off the White Fang. Kali is doing her best but it’s not really confirmed or denied that she can fight, it seems like she can’t but we’ve been underestimated before. (I.E. Penny) Now Ghira, holy fucking shit Ghira is taking them out like it’s nothing and then we have those smug little fucks Corsac/Corsec (Can’t remember his name) and Fennec just kinda gloating because Ghira is outnumbered and his only concern is his wife.Then the guy buffs right the fuck out and lets out this fucking loud ass roar before the screen cuts to black. I’m sitting here like *NO NO I want to see him kick their ass please!* But yeah this episode was fucking horrifying and amazing and terrifyingly good in so many ways I almost wish I could hate the episode as a whole for cutting off the way it did.  ------------------ Now onto Theories/Predictions for next Saturday’s episode or the series in general involving this episode. Possible character death predictions to come?:  Out of the two parents if I had to pick one that would die on the top of the list would be Ghira. Being the fatherly figure his need to protect his family will come above his own safety as we seen in the episode so logically speaking him dying will be something I will expect. How will he die?, well there’s three ways protecting either Blake or Kali (Those being the main two) or protecting Sun. NOW hear me out. This would pretty much be a Tarzan/Kerchek reference more or less Ghira did not like Sun and probably to some extent still doesn’t but knows how much Blake cares for him (I’m not talking a Black Sun phase sorry people) and ends up protecting him but losing his life in the process. Another character death I can see coming is Sun. Now let me make this clear I do not hate Sun, he is not among my favorite characters but I don’t hate him. The reason why I feel like he would die would be to protect Blake’s family. He could die protecting Kali or die protecting Ghira either way it shows what a selfless guy he truly is and it gives Ghira a better perspective on him then he originally had. *Obviously yes I do think Kali is a possibility too but I will not add her on the count mother deaths make me cry and writing about them will affect me too so Kali is the safe precious kitty who will and better not be harmed!* Anyway another character death I can picture but much later on is Ilia. She basically admitted to being in love with Blake and was close to sending her into the jaws of Adam himself. During Blake and Ilia’s conversation you do see she does actually feel something at Blake’s words but brushes it off, they will come back to haunt her in a later episode that will have her choose between what she believes and what she wants to believe. Which could result in her death by protecting Blake from Adam in a later episode. NOW here is a farfetch’d idea of what I expect Ilia to die in a more alternate way. Still to Adam but not from protecting Blake but protecting Yang. (Now before you people jump my thread hear me out this is yes from a more Bumbleby stand point but listen to me first.) Yang is going to have to confront Adam at some point and when she does her first time she’ll freeze and Blake will be there to stop Adam at least not quick enough (I feel like one of the faunus from this episode might stop her.) While she’s calling out trying to snap Yang out of it or trying to beg Adam to not hurt her Ilia sees something familiar in Blake and before Adam can strike the blow Ilia comes in to save her but mind you this will result in her death as well. This is clearly an alternate theory that might never happen but I am keeping it here in case it ever does.  Another but this one I want to see is Corsac/Corsec and Fennec die to Ghira. That’s it. I don’t care how or why I just want them to die to Ghira’s hand.  ------ BONUS: Because I forgot to mention this and really want too. I forgot the new characters names but is one of them suppose to be based of a dragon? I love the Spider Faunus too like seriously fucking love her and I’m hoping to see more of her and the dragon/bat faunus ( I don’t know what kind of faunus he is but I’m gonna say dragon because we all know Dragon faunus would be awesome.)  Also NOTE: (BONUS: Personally the Ilia dying to save Yang theory is one of my opinions that hasn't left since Ilia's reveal. It would show her that she respects Blake and her choices and wants her to be happy knowing full well it won't be with her. The scary fact is Ilia is kinda turning into Adam, she's becoming what Blake once loved but she's going about it the wrong way. She’s becoming what Blake feared Adam was turning into she is becoming spite, she is becoming the next Adam and that thought alone is kinda scary. While yes Ilia doesn’t hate Blake she is getting very close to growing a huge distaste towards her, if she’s willing to give her up to Adam it comes to question how much she still cares and loves Blake in any shape or form. )  

Only Make Believe // Chapter 16: Redcliffe, Interrupted

As before, because of tumblr’s interface, the link to this chapter on AO3 is in the source link of this post. <3

December 23rd

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"I don't remember Redcliffe being as busy as this." Nevena tore her gaze away from the bustling crowds of people long enough to cross the road. Everywhere she looked there were people laden with shopping bags, barking at each other as they wrestled to get to the places they needed to be.

She knew she shouldn't be surprised. It was almost Christmas Eve, and there were always last minute gifts to buy and food to prepare. She was sure the atmosphere at the manor house in Haven would be unbearable with Ineria snapping left and right because things weren't perfect. Nevena was glad not to be a part of that.

Cullen walked at her side, the grand arch and circular stained glass window of the cathedral not far in the distance. She was able to spot the building as they drove into Redcliffe. It was bigger than she remembered. Redcliffe itself was far more different than she remembered. Having visited only once when she was nine-years-old, she remembered a quiet, quaint town with wide streets lined with tall, narrow buildings. Hardly a car in sight.

Now the modern age had caught up with the town she remembered turning it into a small city. The tall, narrow houses were still there, but many were now converted into flats. The roads that were once cobble were now tarmac, and every other street was beset by traffic lights and pedestrian crossings.

A part of her was sad to see such a picturesque town succumb to the invasion of technology and modern life. Another part of her knew it was simply inevitable. Things sometimes had to change, or they would disappear into obscurity. She could take happiness in knowing Redcliffe was still on the map, and that the cathedral - it's crowning glory - had not been touched or become a victim of progress.

"When was the last time you were here?" Cullen asked. He quickly dodged around an elderly couple who stopped to look at the menu of a restaurant they were passing. Nevena heard him mutter something under his breath but didn't push. She noticed that since the early morning he seemed a little off, and he started complaining of a headache when they reached Redcliffe. She assumed he was simply fatigued and did not want to cause any problems or antagonize him.

"Long time ago," Nevena answered brightly. "I only ever came here once with my family for a weekend vacation."

"Some vacation spot," Cullen snorted.

Nevena shrugged. "It's nice in the summer. When the sun is just right, it makes the natural red colour of the stones look like they're on fire." She smiled. "It's why this place is called Redcliffe." He didn't say anything in response, simply continued striding ahead at a pace Nevena found herself almost jogging to keep up with. Worry gnawed at her. Had she done something wrong? Upset him in some way? She wracked her brains as she hurried her steps to match his.

The day before things seemed fine between them. They'd slept, joked, talked about nothing, made mocking comments at the various shows they flicked between on the television. It felt like even though they didn't do anything, it was a good day overall. Better than many of the previous. She enjoyed their quiet day of doing nothing, and she believed he had as well. Now she wasn't so sure. She wondered if perhaps he had another bad nightmare. She didn't hear him screaming during the night and she listened out for it specifically, but then maybe not all his nightmares resulted in screaming.

She wanted to ask. But given how terse Cullen was being, she did not want to risk upsetting him. She was stuck. All she could do, all she knew how to do, was put on a brave face and hope his mood improved throughout the day.

"Did you see much of Redcliffe when you came with Josef and the boys?" Nevena asked Cullen while they walked. The silence was too uncomfortable for her to keep up with. Small talk was better than not talking at all.

"Not really," he said, coming to a stop at a pedestrian crossing. "We went to the retail park to pick up a tree and drove through town. That was about it."

"What do you think?"

"It's a smaller version of Denerim." He shrugged his shoulders and began crossing the street. "I'm sure the people who live here like it well enough."

"You... don't?"

Another non-committal shrug. "It's fine."

Nevena clenched her jaw, sinking half her face behind her scarf. If he didn't want to come to Redcliffe, why didn't he just say so? He clearly didn't want to be there. She wouldn't have minded so much, except it was he who suggested the visit. Not her. Now he was being monosyllabic and distant, acting as though he would rather be anywhere else but there.

She was disappointed and confused. Maybe she was reading too much into things? She knew she had a habit of over-thinking. This was likely one of those times, only made worse because of how mixed up her feelings were towards him. She was doing what she always did: trying to blame herself for someone else's bad mood. She did it with Rick because it was easier. With Cullen though... aside from a headache, and she couldn't think of any reason why he was being so off with her.

The closer they walked to the cathedral, the more Nevena wracked her brain. She didn't want to spend the next few hours with him if things were going to be as tense and uncomfortable as they were now. She was already on tender hooks. If this kept up all day, she would be a wreck by the end of it.

Thinking back to the day before, she considered possibilities that might have upset him. After she finished her phone call with Roselyn she remembered him being a little quieter and he put a significant distance between them on the couch. He also didn't mention who was at the door when he answered it. Could it have been bad news?

No... No. If it was bad news he would have said something. Wouldn't he? That's what people did. If it was really bad he'd have said and gone to deal with it.

Maybe he was feeling odd about all the things she told him about Rick and the past. Maybe he wasn't sure how to stomach it all or comprehend it. Maybe he was reconsidering his stance regarding the kind of person she was. Maybe since the other night, he'd been able to see that, yes, she was a terrible person for her actions. For breaking up with someone who just proposed to her. Maker, she hoped that wasn't it.

Her stomach turning itself into tight knots, Nevena recounted the previous day on her fingers. They went to bed around four in the morning and were both awake early because Cullen had a nightmare. Then... Then she sat up with him on the couch until he was resting and didn't have the heart to leave him. He was still trembling and pleading breathlessly to the images that tormented him. She could have returned to the bedroom and ignored it, but she didn't. That resulted in her waking up on the couch with him in the afternoon. And then... they settled in to watch terrible television and recharge. He tickled her, she pinned him and...

Nevena wanted to slap herself. Before the knock at the door and phone call, they'd been all over each other, practically. At one point he had her pinned and she told him not to get off when he suggested it. He'd asked her what she wanted and she never gave him an answer. They were interrupted. After that everything changed. The atmosphere wasn't as relaxed as before and he put a deliberate distance between them. Flames, but she was stupid to not realise it before now. She'd never answered his question and never addressed the situation they found themselves in. It was just hanging there between them. The elephant in the room.

Of course just assuming that was the issue was out of the question. She didn't want to assume anything because there was the chance she was wrong and it was just a headache and he was tired. If she accused him of being upset with her because of the day before then he would become defensive. She needed to get the truth from him, willingly.

"Hey, uhm, Cullen?" Nevena reached a hand out towards him and quickly pulled it back before she made contact or he noticed. Cullen glanced at her, eyebrow raised and she came to a stop. He paused and turned towards her. "Is... Is something wrong?"

"No." Stepping to the side of the street took them out of the way of oncoming people. He slipped his hands into his pockets. "Why?"

Nevena tutted, "It's just, well, you've been kind of off since this morning. I know you said you have a headache. I just was curious if there was anything else?" She flexed her hand to resist reaching out to him and curled her fingers into a fist at her side. "You know you can tell me."

Cullen's eyes narrowed a little and Nevena wanted to shrink into non-existence, still, she did not avert her gaze. She held his eyes and waited for him to speak again, whether to give her an excuse or the truth. The truth was preferable.

"Just the headache," Cullen said eventually, sighing. Nevena kept her expression impassive to conceal her disappointment. "I get them sometimes and they just... cluster behind my eyes. It's annoying."

"That's it?" She opened her satchel and began to dig around inside it. "Nothing else? Nothing you want to talk about?"

"No..." Cullen arched a brow. He stared at her, squinting and folded his arms. "Unless there's something I'm supposed to be upset about?"

"No," shrugged Nevena. "No. I just... y'know, if you want to talk about anything or address anything... I'm here." She grimaced. Too obvious? Too obvious. Finding what she was after, a small, clear cylindrical bottle, she offered it to Cullen. "Painkillers. I keep them for cramps, but they're good for headaches."

He looked at the bottle as though it were labelled as poison. "Thanks, but I don't like taking medication unless it's necessary. And even then I'm iffy."

"Okay...?"

"Thanks." He smiled briefly. "It'll pass eventually. It's not that bad." Nevena returned the bottle to her bag and closed it.

"If you're sure," she muttered.

"I'll be fine," insisted Cullen. He turned and began walking back towards the cathedral. His stride was slower now, so Nevena kept up with relative ease. She watched his expression as they grew closer to the building, how his eyes widened at the sheer immensity of it, and the circular stained glass window.

Nevena knew very little about the building itself, beyond what she read on the website and the fact it was built before Andraste became a figurehead of religion. The stone was once white, though it had greyed over time. It was mined from the Frostback Mountains and made the whole building stand out against the more natural and familiar rust colour that gave Redcliffe its name. Each block appeared to be the size of a car, stacked carefully and with precision on top of one another. The main entrance was two double doors made of heavy, dark wood. Over that was a self-supporting archway, a feat of early Theadosian engineering; and fixed behind that into the high walls was the stained glass window that made the cathedral so popular and kept it busy. There were more windows fixed in the walls and dotted around the building, but one above the doors was the most impressive. It was supposed to be the culmination of the story all the windows told and depicted some kind of epic battle between old Gods and the men that worshipped them.

It was all history and religion and epic stories, and Nevena loved it. She always planned to visit Redcliffe again after her first visit as a child. She was happy to finally be seeing the cathedral again, and with someone, rather than alone. Even if that someone was being guarded and closed off. She wouldn't push the issue. If he insisted it was just a headache, then it was a headache. It didn't stop the gnawing sensation in her stomach but it was not worth getting any more worked up over.

So, she wouldn't. At least, she would try not to.

Cullen came to a stop about forty feet from the entrance. His head was arched so far back Nevena believed it must have hurt. He was simply staring, wide-eyed like a child at the building and the grandeur of it.

"I don't know what I expected," he said after a few seconds. Nevena smiled to herself. "I remember the cathedral in Kirkwall. I thought it was huge. This place... dwarfs it."

"I think it does that to a lot of buildings."

"How did I never know this was here?!" he exclaimed.

"It's never been hugely publicised," Nevena shrugged. "I know large parts of it have been under repair and restoration for a while, that could have something to do with it too. According to the website, they only recently finished making the high dome safe for the public to walk in."

"The high dome?"

"It's right at the very top of the main structure. The ceiling is stained glass, and apparently, there are constellations in each pane." She rocked back and forth on her heels. "The people in charge are beginning to think the cathedral itself is an extremely early Tevinter structure. There are astrariums dotted around on the roof."

"What are... astrariums?" asked Cullen.

"Supposedly, they were used as a way to track constellations and the movement of planets before telescopes." Nevena's smile warmed, pleased to see someone else as enthralled as she was by the building. Happy too, to feel the coolness between them beginning to thaw. "I'm sure there's a tour we can go on. If you want?"

"Sure." Cullen smiled down at her in a way that made Nevena's stomach plunge to her feet. "Lead the w -"

"Cullen?" The sound of a woman calling gave Cullen and Nevena both pause. Cullen glanced around, as did Nevena, looking for the source. "Cullen Rutherford?" The voice was closer. "I knew that was you!"

A woman came into view from behind Cullen. He turned towards her and immediately a glimmer of shock and pleasure dashed across his face, before settling into pleased surprise. Nevena noticed she was a good few inches taller than herself, and not much shorter than Cullen. Straight, dark brown hair left loose hung down the front of her stylish green coat to about her elbows. It was perfect, not a hair out of place despite the cold and the light wind. She was dressed in expensive clothing, not dissimilar to the kind of things Ineria liked to wear. The coat looked designer, as did the skinny jeans and the furry winter boots. She carried a leather handbag dangling off her right arm and gave Cullen a one-armed hug which he reciprocated.

Nevena blanched, feeling small and untidy. Her hair was messy, her jeans were old, and her jumper sat several sizes too big hanging off one shoulder. She scuffed the heel of her boot on the ground.

"Small world!" the woman said. Her hand was resting on Cullen's shoulder. Why was her hand resting on Cullen's shoulder? Why hadn't Cullen moved yet? Why did he have one hand on this woman's waist? "What are you doing in Redcliffe?"

"Visiting the cathedral," Cullen said, stepping away from the woman a little. "With..." He gestured to Nevena. "Oh, this is Nevena. A friend of mine."

Nevena's chest constricted and she struggled to breathe for a moment. A friend? That's what she was? A friend? Of course, she was but in the past, he'd called her his girlfriend. When dealing with the paramedics at the cable car station and the security guard in Edgehall. So why now was she just a friend?

"Nevena, this is Solona Amell." His gaze was on Solona as he spoke. "She's an old girlfriend."

Solona looked at her, beaming and perfect. Her eyes were a gorgeous grey-green colour and she had the straightest, whitest teeth Nevena had ever seen. "Oh, I didn't realise you were with anyone!" She patted Cullen's shoulder again. "I'm sorry, how rude of me." She offered a hand for Nevena to shake. "Nice to meet you."

Nevena shook her perfectly manicured hand. "You too."

"A pleasure." Solona dropped her grip and turned her attention to Cullen. Nevena suddenly wanted the floor to open up and swallow her. She might as well have not existed give the way the two of them looked at and spoke to each other. "It's so weird to see you! Talk about coincidence!"

"Yeah." Cullen ran a hand through his hair. "It must be, what? A year? Or two?"

Solona laughed. "Give or take."

"You..." Cullen looked her up and down. "You haven't changed a bit."

"Liar." Solona batted his upper arm. "But I'll take compliments where I can get them."

Because I'm sure you're in terribly short supply of those, Nevena wanted to say. She bit her tongue. She would not stoop to a level of petty jealousy. She was not that kind of a person. Cullen and Solona would catch up briefly and then the day could continue as planned. Besides, she had nothing to be jealous about. It wasn't like there was actually anything between herself and Cullen. Nothing worthy of note or merit at the very least. And Cullen said himself, Solona was an old girlfriend. Old. As in from the past. What did it matter if they were on friendly terms?

"How have you been?" Solona asked, shifting her weight from one hip to the other.

"Good, good." Cullen nodded and rubbed the back of his neck. "You know, can't complain. What about you?"

"Same, pretty much."

They fell into silence. Nevena glanced between them, the awkwardness growing. Now all one of them needed to do was make an excuse and everything would be fine. If neither of them spoke, she would make it for them.

Solona snapped her fingers. "We should catch up. Properly. I have an hour before I need to be anywhere. You're not busy, are you?" she asked Cullen, not sparing Nevena a look.

Nevena took the opportunity, "Well, we-"

"No. No, not at all," Cullen interrupted. Nevena slammed her mouth shut so fast her teeth clashed together.

Solona’s smile widened. "Did you want to grab a coffee or something?"

Cullen shrugged, "sure."

Nevena furrowed her brow. "We were going to the cathedral," she stated as boldly and as loudly as she dared. Cullen and Solona turned their attention to her, as though suddenly remembering she was there. Cullen looked shocked she'd spoken up and as though he only just remembered they had plans.She gave him a furtive look, silently asking him to pick her over coffee with Solona. Cullen glanced between both women. "Cullen, come on," Nevena laughed weakly.

"The cathedral's not going anywhere," he explained, with an apologetic smile. "It's only an hour. Look, I'll text you when I'm done and catch up to you. Okay? You can fill me in."

No. It was not okay. Not okay in the least. They were meant to go and enjoy the cathedral together. To go on the tour and make ridiculous comments and enjoy each other's company and... and... It was not okay that some random woman just sashayed in and was figuratively sweeping him off his feet and stealing him away. Not that he could be stolen. He didn't belong to Nevena, she knew that. And there was nothing between them to be broken up or tarnished.

Why was he choosing Solona over her?

More to the point, why did it hurt so fucking much?

Realising she hadn't answered, Nevena forced herself to smile and nodded. "S-sure... Okay." Cullen smiled. The first genuine smile of the day and it was because he was going to spend time with someone else.Nevena was sure she felt something inside her crack. "Just text me when you're on your way back."

"Of course."

"Let's go, Cullen!" Solona looped her arm through Cullen's and started walking with him in the direction she just came from.

"It was nice meeting you!" Nevena called, but neither Solona nor Cullen regarded her again. "Bitch," she added under her breath.

Nevena turned to face the cathedral, her cheeks burning with embarrassment and a sense of shame. She glanced around to see if anyone else had witnessed what just transpired and therefore her inability to be assertive. No one was paying her any mind and she felt a sense of relief from that. At least her failings as a person and a woman weren't closely witnessed by anyone else. She took a deep breath to settle the ache in her chest. It didn't work, in fact breathing in so deeply made it hurt more, but she told herself it helped.

Dropping and squaring her shoulders she approached the huge double doors. She could enjoy the cathedral perfectly well by herself. She didn't need Cullen to enjoy it, and he'd made his choice to spend time with an old girlfriend. That was fine. Everything was fine.

She entered the cathedral and stood at the entrance out of the way of other people for a few moments staring up at the ceiling. Despite all the people milling about and the low hum of conversation, Nevena found herself feeling utterly alone.

Solona took Cullen to a small bistro a five-minute walk from the cathedral. He could still see it quite plainly from the window - but he was sure the cathedral could be seen from most windows. It looked smaller and less imposing, even from a short distance away. He hoped Nevena was alright, that she didn't mind him taking an hour to catch up with an old girlfriend. He said it himself, it wasn't as if the cathedral was going anywhere.

He grabbed a table while she ordered and paid for coffee. She insisted given she was the one who, in her words, dragged him away from his plans. The bistro was stuffy and overcrowded. Cullen was boiling under his clothing but sitting outside in the winter wasn't a good idea. The heat made his headache feel worse, pulsing behind his eyes and pushing against them. He considered it a blessing that he was still awake and functioning. In the past, his headaches were debilitating and had caused blackouts, muscle weakness, and a myriad of other side effects. This current one was mild by comparison. Mild, but still irritating.

Cullen ran his thumb and forefinger across his forehead to try and ease away the pain as a baby a few tables over began to whine. He pinched the bridge of his nose too, closing his eyes and breathing in deeply through his mouth.

"You still have headaches?" Solona set down a tray in front of him before sitting herself. Cullen took the black coffee closest to him. Solona tore open two sachets of sugar, poured them and stirred her frothy drink. "I thought they were meant to stop?"

"They have. Mostly," Cullen said. "This is just one off. Before today I hadn't had a bad one for months."

Solona smirked, "You must've known you'd bump into me."

"You always were good at giving me headaches," Cullen replied with a slow grin. He took a sip of his coffee and returned the mug to the saucer. "What are you doing in Redcliffe?"

"Visiting some friends for Christmas. I've got a dinner with them tonight and then I'm driving back home tomorrow." She smoothed her hair back behind her shoulders and looked around as she drank. Solona was always a people watcher. Clearly, a habit that hadn't gone away with time. "What about you?"

"Visiting the cathedral."

"Right," Solona grinned. "Day trip?"

"Yeah."

She nodded. "What have you been doing with yourself since I last saw you?"

"Working, mostly," Cullen replied. Maybe getting a drink with Solona wasn't such a good idea. He could feel the air between them was tense like she was skirting around what she really wanted to talk about. Another habit she had when they were dating. The tangible unease did not make Cullen's headache feel any better. "I'm fully certified in rehabilitation therapy now."

"Oh, wow? Really?" Her eyes widened with interest. "And you're okay? Working with vets?" She tilted her head to one side. "No flashbacks?"

"Solona..." sighed Cullen. He chuckled through his nose. "Your tact still needs work, I see."

"Guilty." Shrugging, she stirred her drink again.

"What about you?" Cullen asked, slipping his hands around his mug. "How's life treating you?"

"Pretty good, actually." She tapped her fingers on her cup, making a steady clinking sound. Cullen noticed for the first time a gold band around her left ring finger.

"You're married?"

"I am!" She offered her left hand to him to show him the ring. As far as rings went, it was nice. Gold, with what Cullen could only assume was a diamond - precious stones weren't his forte. The stone itself was not a small pebble by any means. "Ooh, Cullen, you'd really like him! He's handsome and boyish, and deliciously uncomplicated."

"So, the opposite of me."

"Oh, I don't know." Solona reached out and squeezed his hand. "You're rather handsome." She giggled and sat back in her seat. "But the uncomplicated part? Yes... Yes, he's definitely the opposite of you in that regard."

"It wasn't all my fault," Cullen remarked staring down into his coffee. "There were a lot of variables in the mix that contributed."

"I know, Cull, I know." Solona smiled wearily. "You always got so defensive. Nice to see that hasn't changed." Sighing, she leaned her cheek in her palm. "I wanted to catch up, not fight."

"We're not fighting."

"Cullen..."

"I should go. I don't want to -"

"Don't leave, Cullen." Solona grabbed his wrist before he stood up. "Come on, at least drink your coffee and then you can go." He stared at her a few seconds. Stared at the woman he was once painfully in love with and who left him when he needed her most. She broke his heart... but he had broken hers as well. It was a hard time for the both of them. He didn't make loving him or being with him easy. After she left, he never thought he would feel about anyone the way he had felt about her, but those feelings were stirring again. Rousing slowly from a long hibernation. He relaxed. Solona smiled, clearly pleased. "We won't talk about it."

"Okay."

Solona sipped her drink, glancing around as she did so. Her eyes landed on the cathedral and Cullen watched as she thoughtfully pursed her lips. "So, tell me about your new girlfriend."

"She's not my girlfriend," Cullen replied, barely managing not to roll his eyes. If this was the reason she asked him to get coffee, so she could dig into his personal life, she was going to be sorely disappointed.

"Really?" Solona lifted a fine brow and carefully returned her cup to its saucer. "Are you sure about that? I mean, the way her face fell when you agreed to come with me was..."

Cullen shifted in his seat. "It's complicated."

"Isn't it always?" Solona chuckled through her nose. Her cheek returned to her palm and she sighed, looking Cullen up and down. "You want to know something?"

"Depends on what it is." Cullen's guard was up. Solona was very good at making him wary with a word. Perhaps it was a latent reaction from when they were together but it happened too naturally around her, he didn't even think about it.

Solona gave a deep sigh before speaking. "I was so ready to marry you when we were together," she stated. Cullen almost choked on the mouthful of coffee he was drinking. His eyes watered as he fought to contain it and swallowed it down. Solona laughed and handed him a napkin.

"Where did that come from?!" demanded Cullen, louder than he intended. Several other patrons looked over at the table, their conversations pausing for a second or two. He mopped his mouth with the napkin and quickly thumped his chest to clear his airways. In the four years since they split up, and the two years or so it had been since they last met up with each other, Solona never told him that.

A brief shake of her head and Solona shrugged. "After Kirkwall and your discharge, I thought: 'that's it. There's nothing in the way now. No distance or deployment. He'll ask me. He has to ask me.' I swear, every time you would say my name I would stop breathing and hope I would turn around and you'd be on one knee," she sighed. "You never were... You never did ask."

Cullen was burning up. He could feel warmth flooding his face and was sure every inch of him was fire truck red. Where was this coming from? Why was she telling him now? Was it because she saw him with Nevena? Or because she was married now? Was this her way of telling him she missed him? He cleared his throat and scratched the back of his neck. "I'm... sorry?" He stared at her, uncertain if that was what she wanted to hear.

"It's fine, now." Solona brightened. "I'm pretty sure if we were married it would have been a disaster anyway."

"I'll agree with you on that." Cullen folded and unfolded a napkin. "And reason you're bringing it up?"

"Your 'friend', Nevena?"

"What about her?"

"Don't waste your time with her." Solona leveled him with an all too familiar look of severity. It was one he grew accustomed to towards the end of their relationship.

"What?" Cullen squinted. "What do you mean, 'waste my time'?"

She hissed through her teeth. "You were always so slow on the uptake and wary with me."

"Solona..."

"Since me, how many relationships have you had?" she cut him off, leaning on the table. "And I mean real relationships. Ones that weren't a few weeks."

Cullen closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose again. His headache was pressing on his eyeballs and the pulsing felt more like someone smashing the side of his face with a sledgehammer. "None," he answered finally. "I've dated a little. To be honest, I found it pretty hard to move on from you. You did leave at a bad time for me."

"I know," Solona's voice softened. "And I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for leaving a letter, rather than telling you directly. But I knew if I stayed, I'd be slowly killing myself."

"Hm."

"And it looks like you got through it okay."

"I had friends. And my family rallied around me. Now the withdrawal is mostly the occasional headache." Cullen drummed his fingers on the table. "I wasn't blaming you for leaving. I think I would have done the same thing if the shoe were on the other foot."

"No, you wouldn't have, Cullen." Solona shook her head slowly. "You're not selfish. You would have stuck it out. All of it. The bad and the good." Her lips curved into a small smile. "That's why I'm going to offer you some free advice."

"Oh," scoffed Cullen, rolling his eyes a little. "This ought to be good." He leaned an elbow on the table and rested his cheek in his hand, watching Solona lazily, quietly amused.

"This woman," she began. Cullen opened his mouth to respond but Solona held up a finger. "Complicated or not, don't waste your time being slow and cautious. She likes you, it's so obvious. I met her for thirty seconds and I could tell." She paused. "And you like her...?"

Cullen shrugged his shoulders in a non-committal way. He avoided her gaze, preferring to stare down at his drink and let the silence linger. He'd only just admitted to himself that he liked Nevena and that his feelings towards her were far more than that of friends. He didn't want to go admitting to everyone, let alone an ex-girlfriend who was freakishly good at reading people.

"I'll take that as a yes."

"I didn't say anything."

"Of course," Solona grinned, "which means I'm right."

"You're impossible."

"I'm trying to help." She leveled him with a small glare. "You deserve to be happy. After I left. After everything you endured in Kinloch and Kirkwall. With the lyrium, and the shit that came with that... If you've met someone who you like and who is clearly interested in you, you should go for it."

Cullen wanted to laugh. Solona was always upfront and it was refreshing to know that aspect of her personality hadn't changed. He found it funny that she was urging him to approach Nevena about how he felt and his interest towards her, and that was his plan all along.

He'd hoped to find somewhere quiet in the cathedral where they could sit and talk. Somewhere on impartial ground that meant neither of them would feel uncomfortable or awkward. He would tell her everything. Although she already knew the very base details of Kirkwall and Kinloch, he would explain things more clearly. Explain the nightmares, tell her about the lyrium and the headaches. Lay it all out on the table so she had a clear view of what she would be getting herself into if she felt the same.

And that was the issue; what if she didn't?

What if he went to all that trouble, and the way she felt wasn't the same as him? What if he'd been reading the signs wrong, or imagining the connection they shared? He was sure he hadn't. After all, she kissed him back in the kitchen. She almost kissed him the other night, although she was the one who put a stop to it.

No. He was certain she felt the same. That there was that same insistent tug in her chest when he was around, as there was when she was around for him. It was all a case of being brave enough to tell her the truth and the facts about it all. Even the parts Cullen himself didn't much enjoy thinking about.

"What if it goes wrong?" he asked, staring hard at the mug in front of him. "What if I tell her everything, because I don't want her to get involved with me blind, and it's too much? What if she leaves like you did?" he took a long breath, staring at a bubble in his mug. "What if I hurt her? Or I risk my heart and get it broken, again."

"I left because I couldn't handle the way the lyrium withdrawal affected you. How angry it made you. And the nightmares, you wouldn't tell me about," Solona spoke quietly but firmly, her face drawn into a softly determined expression. "You blocked me out. I wanted to help, but you wouldn't let me. Don't do that with this girl, and you'll be fine."

Cullen grimaced. "I'm sorry, for what it's worth, for blocking you out. I suppose, in some weird way, I wanted to protect you."

Solona snorted, smirking, "Doesn't bother me anymore. I found someone who... doesn't have any demons hounding their past." She quickly glanced at the slim silver watch on her wrist. "Speaking of which..."

"You need to go meet him?"

"Yeah." Solona began to stand, gathering up her bag and the shopping she'd done already.

Cullen finished his coffee, pulled on his jacket and was buttoning it as they exited the bistro into the cold air. He was relieved by the briskness and the wind hitting his face, immediately causing his skin to cool. Cullen waited as Solona quickly wrote and sent a text. He proceeded to hold her things as she fastened her jacket.

"It was good to see you," Cullen handed her things back to her, "even if it was only brief."

"You too." Solona hugged him, a tight and heartfelt embrace that Cullen returned just as fiercely. Despite how things ended between them, he was glad they were able to work past it and still remain friends. Even if they were only friends who saw each other once every two years. It was still better than cutting her out of his life entirely. "You look after yourself, okay?" Solona gave him a hard look as she released him.

"You too."

"And remember what I said." She nodded firmly. "Stop wasting time, and just... go for it."

"Yes," Cullen laughed. "I will do just that."

"Good," nodded Solona. "Good." She hugged him again. "See you, Cull."

"Bye, Solona." Cullen waved and watched her walk away until she disappeared into the crowds of people coming and going on the streets.

Taking a long, settling breath, Cullen pulled out his phone and started walking towards the cathedral.

Solona's just left. Coming to the cathedral. Where are you?

He sent the message and kept his phone in hand as he waited for a reply.

Hey everyone~ Thanks, as always, for the comments on the previous chapter. I felt a nice break from all the angst and general heaviness was needed so I'm glad it delivered. For those of your getting frustrated with the to-ing and froing of our main leads, I ask only patience. All good things, etc. :p

As always, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. And eagerly await to see what comes up in the next one. I'm certainly looking forward to reactions on this one. XD 

Also, if you’re enjoying Only Make Believe, or any of the other fics I upload, I have a donation page set up on Ko-Fi, if you feel like you want to donate. I’m not going to hold chapters to ransom, or anything - but if you like what you read, maybe think about it. It would help out a lot with bills and stuff. Ko-Fi