#some of us live in the fucking midwest idk what to tell you
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i have a lot of leftist friends who are very strongly pro-voting and i have a lot of leftist friends who are very strongly anti-voting and i'm always telling them the same fucking thing: being a condescending asshole about your voting perspective is not going bridge that difference. it is just going to drive a further wedge in our movement.
#its only january and i am already so very very very tired of this conversation#every goddamn post i see. every conversation i have. im#i wish yall would put this much energy into a radical political reform movement#because let me tell you i have voted and i have not voted and i have wanted to vote and been too young#and ive seen it make a difference in some areas. but certain elections in certain places that aint good enough. its not gonna do jack shit#some of us live in the fucking midwest idk what to tell you#west coasties dni lmfaooooo#ig this is my way of saying i dont like the#YOUR VOTE MATTERS#YOUR VOTE NEVER MATTERS#it's complicated. it's nuanced. & frankly the outcome of putting workable politicians into office is very much effected by what happens#AFTER they are elected#my vote mattered A LOT in securing us abortion in ohio. but frankly there was nothing i could do at the ballot box about my republican mayor#can we. can we talk about that aspect.#can we please stop talking about ole jb#i am begging on my fucking knees for us to decentralize the fucking presidency from this convo#absolutely fucking begging
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billy and max were not californian enough in my humble socal opinion. like i’m not saying all californians have had my exact experience. but. come on.
where was the bitching about the cold weather and the lack of good mexican and chinese restaurants nearby. never have i met a californian that wasn’t ready to throw down for in n out when out of state ppl try to talk shit, even if it isn’t remotely their favorite burger place. i just know max would go crazy over the fuck all to do in town within a month or two. the largest city is probably hours away, cue billy quickly realizing the only entertainment at hand is shitty high school parties.
you’re telling me max wouldn’t throw a fit about the lack of giant skateparks? that billy wouldn’t take every opportunity to bitch and moan about having to get chains for his tires and the menace of ice and snow on the roads fucking up his car? billy refuses to button his fuckin shirt in november, he’s going to die as soon as the temperature dips below 35F. i know not every person from socal is as much of a bitch as i am about low temperatures but most of us are not built for temperatures below like 40 or 30F. actual snow is going to happen and max is going to eat shit trying to skateboard through it. i had to defrost my car for the first time during a cold snap last month and i thought i was losing my mind, billy is going to fucking hate what cold temperatures can do to your car, especially if you park it outside on the regular.
white bitches love mexican food, have you seen how they get about chipotle? one day billy and max are gonna be home alone and go ‘we should get mexican takeout tonight’ and suddenly realize they live in the fuckin heartland now, the chances of finding a good (let alone decent) taco place nearby depend entirely of the percentage of mexican immigrants settling in bumfuck indiana to actually open a place. or at least somebody from texas.
i desperately need max and billy throwing down for in n out. i don’t care about your opinion on it, your average bitch from california will not stand for actual slander against it. lucas tries taking max to the local diner and puts his foot in his mouth (”it can’t be that good, max”) after trying to insist that the burgers in hawkins are leagues better than whatever they had back in california. steve and billy nearly brawl again because billy fuckin loves the skinny crispy in n out fries and dares to put them above mcdonald’s fries and steve thinks he’s fucking crazy.
depending on where they lived in california, the lack of mountains would probably be something weird to get used to. travelling past the mountains and through flat land makes the monkey in my brain go ‘where big rocks go??? why so exposed??? too flat!!’ and i can’t help but think of max constantly doing double takes at the sheer amount forest around hawkins and the distinct lack of mountains nearby lol. california is huge and there’s loads of different biomes within it, but you’re not gonna find very many forests, especially in the areas billy and max probably lived in (i think in runaway max they lived in san diego? but that’s shaky half-canon at this point).
give me the weird slang differences between the midwest and the west coast. i had a teacher from wisconsin call water fountains ‘bubblers’ once and i swear it gave me whiplash. i love regional slang. idk if it depends on the person’s age or region or if its interchangeable in some places, but the face i’m picturing billy making after hearing somebody call it ‘pop’ instead of ‘soda’ is priceless. there’s also no fucking way billy hung out with californian surfers in the 70s - 80s and didn’t pick up some truly atrocious slang that pops up now and then. max thinks he sounds fucking dumb, but then billy makes fun of the fact that she can’t roll her ‘r’s and it starts another bitch fight. more of max and billy both saying ‘like’ way too much as a sentence filler and everyone else making fun of them.
i don’t know, i want more fun and interesting and annoying little things that people from different states do. billy and max moved across the whole damn country, i want more conflict from that than just the obvious issues.
#billy hargrove#i'd tag max but idk how likely i am to get ppl jumping down my throat about it lol#sketchy speaks#my text post#tagging this as harringrove bc the bit about steve and billy brawling after bickering over ridiculous shit is just how they flirt#anyway other ppl from california dont come for me ik my experiences are not universal but i am firmly a socal bitch first and human second#catch me projecting all my highly specific experiences onto billy and max#me 🤝 billy#i'd rather be dead in california than alive in arizona energy#billy's wild ass burger chain opinions are my own#i will go to bat so hard for in n out fries my friends hate it lol
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Spoilers for S9M22
It’s kind of long because I have a lot to say, but it’s not all negative. There’s just one thing that’s mentioned in particular I feel the need to elaborate on
@dorkylittleweirdo I’m tagging you because I always like telling you my opinion on everything
While I was wanting to punch Maryam in the face for dismissing Sam’s VERY VALID worry for Peter, I’m happy to know Peter is safe and unharmed.
But if Maryam says shit like that again idk if she secretly knows he’s safe my Five is punching her on sight. Like the amount of times Peter’s safety has been dismissed this season is insane and I’m not here for it.
Also Maryam being a spy 😱. Who would have guessed? It’s not like we’d been all theorizing it since she was introduced or anything. True she’s not a RSB spy but still.
But I don’t trust her bc there is one thing thats very sus. RSB had cameras of places all around the world and yet they somehow have no idea what’s going on in United States? Like you’re telling me they have connections to countries they aren’t even a part of, but being an outpost to America they haven’t been able to contact one (1) military base in the US? Like do you know how many bases there are in the US?
Also like Maryam saying “no one knows what happened in the US”. Like if any place could survive the apocalypse it’s America bc the southern regions have guns and as a born and raised Arkansan I know motherfuckers down here blow shit up for fun. Also hunting is huge here. You’d never find these ppl hiding in camo. Also some 90 year old hillbilly could give you some homemade Moonshine and if that doesn’t make you immune to the zom virus, you can throw it at a zom and it would probably melt it.
And here I am just talking about the south. The Midwest lives in buttfuck middle of nowhere and knows how to can good and grow their own food, the north is cold as fuck and can survive it. New Yorkers would see zoms, shrug and then probably make their way to the subway bc they have to get to work. Also in places like Florida and New Jersey and specially Chicago Illinois, the zombies would be more afraid of the humans than humans afraid of zombies bc it takes a special type of person to live in those areas. I don’t know much about the west coast besides the fact that California is always on fire or having an earthquake so tbh I feel like zombies are like the secondary problem for them.
My point is there is no way that America has fell in the apocalypse. Not to mention even tho I’m only talking about regional point, we’ve had conspiracy theorists across the country WAITING FOR THIS DAY. Like no. This ain’t tracking.
Also there’s like a military base in almost every state I think. Sometimes multiple in a state. And we’re well defended, and we, ya know, have the biggest military in the world. The fact that Maryam is saying that RSB has no clue what’s happened in America when they were able to secure Van Ark goo from the black market (meaning a base in Tunisia had connections to England in order to get ahold of it), and literally had cameras looking at other countries in Europe (the Eiffel Tower toppled over in Paris France) AND the big boss knew who we are means that they had connections to know about ABEL TOWNSHIP which canonically probably has maybe 1,000 bc we did talk about in S7 how we kept bringing people in and we’re getting a bit overpopulated for us. It’s just…
There is no way they haven’t been able to make contact with America. Janine was able to contact Canada via Rofflenet in S2 on a unstable network, so to say this highly secure base with great tech that has been making some very horrifying experiments can’t contact the country their base is meant to be an outpost for is bs.
This either means S2S did crappy with their writing, or Maryam is lying. I’m really hoping it’s the latter.
Also Ernie I love you. He and my Five are clone buddies, or they will be after some character development and Callista trying not to be a hypocrite bc she knows she’s not the same as the person she’s cloned after but it’s hard to have that logic against the clone of the guy who experimented on you and gave you lifelong trauma.
Also Sam “yeah we have no idea who it was that shot you down with a rocket launcher 😬.” That made me laugh ngl.
Also there was no Janine this ep so extra points for that. Also Maryam said Janine said it was unlikely that Peter would be hurt, and then it’s revealed that Maryam knew that Peter was picked up by one of her spy friends. This gives the implication that Janine may have known Maryam is a spy. If she did, and she knew Peter was safe and withheld that from us my Five is going feral on her. Like I’m already mad she had us leave him but IF it turns out she knew he was okay and said nothing im not gonna be happy.
Bc Janine knowing stuff and not saying Is why Peter unnecessary cut off his own nose (don’t think I’ve forgotten about that S2S). I haven’t.
Also no Mo and Peter this ep so it also loses points for that.
Okay. Now time for me to crawl back into my hole. I have to get ready for work soon any way. (I’m heading in early to get some LSAT studies done.)
But yeah. That’s it for today.
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I'm just gonna talk into the void for a minute. Reblog if you want I guess?
I find it so constricting the classism I've been steeped in my entire life in school and professional settings, the classism I'm still scrubbing out of my own conditioned standards. It's in the way I erased the southern lower class vernacular from my vocabulary for the longest time. The way I still subconsciously hide the parts of my voice that drawl or twang when trying to be taken seriously or respected, the way my mother's Texan and Oklahoman accent affected my own living in Iowa so I was othered by the Midwestern kids for sounding like my "hick" mom, which taught me to hide it early on even though that was part of who I was. I was raised by Texans and Oklahomans, so of course I always had that influence of accent without having yet stepped a foot in those states myself.
Then at 9 I was moved to Oklahoma and have flipped between here and Texas since geographically (I'm 23), I've spent most of my life in the Southern Great Plains, and before that I was raised by texomans in the Midwest for my barely recollected childhood. Yet, I've scrubbed it out of my identity because of the prevalent classism against the way I was raised to speak. Now I flip between different manners of speech for different contexts and situations without even thinking about it, which causes identity issues.
I just? Wish there wasn't so much tangible classism in the way people treat people from "Country" regions. From the deep south to southern Appalachia and the southern Great Plains. I don't have to scrub the culture I was initially raised in out of myself. I don't have to pretend to hate all country music. (I love the shit out of many forms of county western and American folk music and ppl can kiss my ass about it!)
I don't have to hide my drawl. I can participate in western stories and wild west history and this doesn't make me lesser. Tired of the mask of pretending to be a "normal" mid-upper class Midwesterner with a vague indistinct accent so people don't treat me like I'm stupid. I talk how I talk and if I drawl sometimes or use a weird phrase it's my business. If you shit on people for talking like a "hillbilly" or a "hick" then you're being fucking classist. These accents developed in lower class branches of families spanning from Appalachia all the way out west and far south. This is simply the way language evolves and nobody should feel stupid for having regional dialect or accent.
While we're here- yes I identify with my yeehaw background while also being a queer pagan leftist. Idk how to tell some of y'all that people exist diversely everywhere and regional or class stereotypes are never a great basis to run on in reality. There are people of all kinds defying the caricatures you have in your mind of what the south is.
There are MANY black country folks, I was close friends with a bisexual Mexican Ashkenazi Jew in school, knew a pair of Kiowa goth queer kids in school, went to school with the daughter of a Thai family living in rural Oklahoma. These are literally just a handful of anecdotal examples and I assure you the amount of non-white ppl in the US south is way higher than y'all realize.
I see and interact with several immigrant communities in Wichita Falls and Lawton where I spend most of my time. These places do not look like what some of you think. We are not doomed to be ignorant and racist by geography. These regions aren't some monolith and the "south" isn't as cishet or white as you think. Oklahoma is one of the most recently stolen pieces of indigenous land and some of y'all have the audacity to act like everyone from Oklahoma must be white cishet jingoist conservatives. A state COVERED in reservations.
People from any geographical location can be anybody they happen to be and you cannot project expectations onto them to erase their subconscious cultural expressions such as accent or vernacular no matter their background, nor should their geographical upbringing be a reason to assume they're "stupid" or bigoted.
Queering country western culture is literally the cure to the problems with country western culture, so stop shaming queer ppl who reclaim and want to engage with this part of ourselves.
The southern United States isn't as white as you think.
Shitting on southern accents and speech patterns is not only classist, but is often racist too (such as when directed at AAVE).
Disclaimer: I am white and this post is not made with intent to speak over or for POC on their concerns in this, though I addressed issues relevant to them here I cannot speak in depth beyond what I've learned in unpacking my own oppressive biases, this is in good faith and I am not only open to but encourage that people related to this issue who aren't white engage with the conversation and correct me if I have mispoken, as you are part of this too. POC have always been and always will be included in country western history, no matter how much media whitewashes the West.
#this isnt about ppl making cowboy or yeehaw jokes at me that shits funny and i actually love those#but about the way people treat us like were legitimately stupid or inherently ignorant and incapable of growing out of the mistakes#of our ancestors#i am not them and i recognize the faults of my bad ancestors#i have the capacity to be better because im a living human person#treat me like one thank#manifesting a little respect for the concept of educated lower class southerners#this also isnt about any sort of apologism for my colonizing ancestors and my status as a colonizer on indigenous land#i simply am a colonizer like it or not and the best i can do is actively educate myself and promote and advocate for indigenous reparations#but i digress this post isnt about tha#just a disclaimer bc i am NOT glorifying or excusing my colonial family history#my family ran to steal indigenous land in the sooner movement and that was an inherently oppressive action even if they were#lower class appalachians trying to find opportunities#tldr: my families class doesnt excuse theor participation in colonialism and i do still have to unpack these inherent facets of my family#in order to engage with country western culture critically
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wow okay i am skipping the lingerie party lol and am instead going to just briefly jot down some thoughts before i go to sleep and wake up at 5 for my flight tomorrow morning. jesus christ i have ONE MILLION thoughts and feelings about this weekend. i want to preface this by saying that on the whole, it was a fine social experience! it was nowhere near as awkward or painful as i was expecting. or like, parts of it were painful, but it was 100% to do with my own complicated feelings about literally every part of this tradition and the wedding industry in general lol, and not anything to do with the people themselves. the other women were friendly and very welcoming, i made an event best friend who was wonderful company, and it was really fun to get to spend time with both my sister-in-law and her older sister, who was so charming and wonderful. i’m glad i came even though thinking about the $$ i spent on this trip makes me physically gag.
but okay i want to just record some THOUGHTS that maybe i will continue unpacking with some distance. i feel likeeeee okay here are my thoughts.
the social norms around femininity are just a fucking minefield and i feel like i really just gotta keep walking back the impulse to judge other women for the choices they make as they navigate around the manifold traps and snares and half-buried landmines that constitute the landscape of being a woman. like jesus christ. it’s so fucked up, it’s so fucked up, the received and socially enforced norms of femininity are just so fucked up. I think ALL THE FUCKING TIME of this margaret atwood poem i love so much, which was REALLY on my mind this weekend:
How can I teach her
some way of being human
that won’t destroy her?
I would like to tell her, Love
is enough, I would like to say,
Find shelter in another skin.
I would like to say, Dance
and be happy. Instead I will say
in my crone’s voice, Be
ruthless when you have to, tell
the truth when you can,
when you can see it.
I feel like the first bit was very much on my mind throughout the weekend, but those last three lines have come to the forefront over the course of this last day, as i have tried to do some Thinking about what i observed/experienced/felt this weekend. whether or not this is what it means in the context of the poem, tell the truth when you can, when you can see it, expresses something of my complex feelings: I don’t know that I can tell the truth about femininity because I don’t know that I can see it. i am both too close to it/still emotionally entangled in it and too far from it to know which parts of it are ‘real’ and which parts are just performance.
i feel like one thing that struck me this weekend, in ways that i don’t know if i’ve noticed as much before, was that so much of the things women say to each other or do in these social contexts is performative, and they know on some level it’s a performance, but we are all going through the motions of doing and saying the expected things anyway. that has not always been clear to me. i have spent so much of my own life as a woman thinking that other women perfectly, seamlessly, naturally embodied the norms of femininity, and i was the only one (or part of a group of only ones) who couldn’t remember my lines, or kept fumbling my cues, or felt so painfully, self-consciously aware that i was playing a role that i could never deliver a convincing performance. but this weekend, after the initial social panic had passed, i started trying to get out of my own head a little bit and look for things that disproved the very strong theory i had brought into the weekend. and of course then i started seeing more and more of the little moments where women say one thing and do another, or profess one belief/conviction but then the whole corpus of their lived experiences and choices contradicts that stated belief, or whatever. and also just like, moments of pathos, where someone i had judged harshly at the beginning of the weekend offhandedly revealed something about her past that really changed my perception of her, or at least made me think like, ah god, i have to have empathy for and with this person, because i think she might be a complex person just like me, with an intricate inner life that her performance partially reveals and partially occludes from view, and agh, it sucks to have to think of people as complicated instead of as safely two-dimensional & easy to dismiss, and the reason it sucks is because then it forces you to realize that you share more with this person than you’d like to admit, and that some of your wounds are the same, even if you dealt with those wounds (the wounds of girlhood, or rather the emotional wounds that our culture inflicts upon girls, which then become tangled up in complex and painful ways with the lived experience of girlhood itself) in really different ways.
but also ugh. we are all performing gender norms but there is just something that does not feel playful at all about embodying conventional femininity. i can’t think of a better way to phrase that right now but it’s like.. the performance isn’t fun. it doesn’t seem to be fun. i don’t know that anyone here was having fun doing it, even if they were having fun being with each other. but it was like doing the intensely gendered social rituals was like, the price of admission? like it was the toll we had to pay to be together spending time in the company of other women? i don’t know man but it fucking exhausts me. like i can push myself to stretch my genuine empathy and sense of solidarity with other women much further than my knee-jerk judgmental reaction, but i can’t ever get to a place where i find any of those social rituals anything other than fucking exhausting. they feel so fucking joyless. they feel like things that many women have internalized as ‘things we must do in order to have relationships with other women.’ (please do not even get me started on how exhausting heteronormativity is i think i could write an entire other essay on how women use these bachelorette party-type rituals to spend time with their closest female friends, but the whole event is still implicitly organized around men, and these women’s male partners are still positioned as the priority in their lives, and the whole event is framed as like, a last burst of intense closeness between women before the bride is delivered over to her husband. like i KNOW that this is not how women think of it but all the RHETORIC of the bachelorette party, the little events and rituals and games, the little comments everyone makes all fucking weekend, good fucking lord, my jaw is so TENSE.)
anyway god i just AGHHHH. idk sorry this is definitely not coherent at ALL because i’m tired and still need a bit more distance/time to process some of this. i guess here is one last thing i want to register before i sleep. i am in my 30s now and i am living a life that is so, so far removed from the social world i grew up in. marriage is not a norm among my friend group, almost all of my female friends are queer women, many women i know are not partnered and have no interest in being partnered, and the friends who are in heterosexual relationships tend to be in very gender-balanced relationships or slightly nontraditional relationships where it feels like both partners have engaged in conscious reflection about what they want their relationship to look/feel like. also i now date women, am out as a lesbian, and spend most of my time teaching/working with queer- and trans/nonbinary-identified kids.
so like, the world i live in now is just so different from the world i grew up in. and sometimes it is easy for me to kind of downplay the intensity of my own gender distress as a teen and young adult, or to sort of - act like it was a phase in my life that had much more to do with me than with the social environment i lived in. i don’t mean ‘phase’ in a dismissive ‘those feelings weren’t real’ kind way, but more like, ‘oh that was just part of the normal growing pains of figuring out who you are and what kind of person you want to be as an adult - everybody pretty much goes through some version of that.’ it’s true that everyone DOES go through some version of that, as just like, part of the process of individuation in that age range. but also like. idk man. being back in this environment - straight white women from the midwest and south, all engaging in the rituals of heterosexual white femininity - was just so intense and so MUCH, and it brought back a flood of feelings and visceral memories that i feel like i will need to spend some time sorting through over the next few weeks. like, what i experienced back then really WAS gender distress, and it was so, so distressing. i spent the years from age 11ish to 24ish existing with this constant lowgrade baseline feeling of wanting to claw my own fucking skin off because my own gendered body felt like such a prison, and i sometimes felt like i literally wanted to destroy my own body because i could not yet conceive of an alternative to inhabiting that body or playing the role that had been handed down to me. until i started reading queer memoirs and inhaling lesbian media and (especially) reading about queer femme identities, i literally did not have an image or any kind of felt sense of what another way of inhabiting my own body might look/feel like. i literally could not imagine it!!!
and that is why the distress feels so distressing, and becomes internalized in such violent ways, i think. because it’s the blind, mindless panic of a trapped and wounded animal. except that you lack any real understanding of the larger social forces at work, or any language with which to describe or conceptualize what social norms are or how they’re enforced. so in your mind, the only thing you can see wounding you is your own gendered body, or the way that gendered body is socially 'read’ by others. and that is why you want to claw your own fucking skin off, just literally dig your nails into your own flesh and claw it the fuck off. because you can’t see a norm, but you can see your gendered body, and you can see the ways that it causes other people to react to you, or treat you, or hold you to a certain set of expectations, and so in your mind you are like: this must be destroyed. in your mind you are like, the only way out is to get out of this fucking body, but that’s impossible, surely, you can’t get out of your own body, so you have to settle for starving it and self-harming it and ruthlessly punishing it in a thousand terrible ways, because you might not be able to leave your girl’s body behind, but you can make it suffer and pay for what it’s done to you.
i am old enough now, and have spent enough time thinking and writing about those feelings, to identify them when they arise again, and to get the necessary distance from them so that i can say, what i want to destroy are the norms themselves, and the distress they cause, and not the body that has done nothing to me but be me. so i am not quite as sucked under as i used to be. but i think that there is something about the violence and intensity of those feelings that i forget sometimes, or misremember with age and distance. it’s easy to be a little bit patronizing to my younger self (or by extension to my younger students sometimes), because i now live in a social world that is largely arranged in ways that minimize rather than intensify or amplify gender distress. but when you have no choice in how to arrange your life, and no language with which to understand what is happening to you or what you are experiencing, and no frame of reference to help you understand that this is a period in your life and not forever, and no models you can look to in order to discover alternative ways of inhabiting your body or arranging your life... my god, that’s quite different from being an adult with a wide range of experiences and with much greater autonomy over your own body and life. anyway idk i need to keep thinking but now i must go to bed and try to sleep five hours before the plane.
#how can i teach her some way of being human#that won't destroy her!!!#gender#mw#to think further#girls I have been
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random notes,
I rarely post twice in one day lmao but I don't get to see my therapist until Thursday and I wanted to get some stuff off my chest.
I am kind of the black sheep of my extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) because of a couple things. I was adopted via an inter-family adoption, and a lot of people weren't on board with that/thought it was weird, I guess. My aunts and uncles who were all really close to the other nieces and nephews kind of never took much interest in me or acknowledged me at all. I was only really close to one of my uncles. He was wonderful, and we emailed each other every month. My uncle passed away, way too young, in summer of 2019.
It also didn't help that six of my older cousins grew up in India, and I grew up in the US, along with my two younger cousins - who lived on the opposite side of the country from me, so I didn't see them much either. My cousins in India are all super close.
Two of my cousins from India moved here to the US. I've tried to connect with them, and been hopeful that them being in the same country would help, but they were never responsive and I gave up. They all settled on the East Coast near my East Coast aunt, uncle, and cousins. (I live in the Midwest.) They see each other regularly for family get-togethers and don't even invite me. None of them even sent me a card for my wedding to Derek either.
I see photos in the family group chat of their East Coast family get-togethers and like. It hurts. I wish I could be a part of a family like that. I'm not even close to my own parents. I can't tell you guys the amount of petty, bitter, jealous upset-ness I feel when I see people posting their cute Mother's Day and Father's Day appreciation posts (I straight up will stay off the internet on those days.) I even get upset when I see popular tumblr posts with casual references to people's positive relationships with their parents. Obviously I've discussed this in therapy but I need to revisit it because I've been feeling extra triggered lately.
I'm very happy to be close with my in-laws, Derek's family. His parents, grandparents, brothers and their wives, cousins, and aunts and uncles, have been more welcoming to me in the past almost-four years than my own family ever has. I just still have a lot of pain over being rejected by my family for fuck knows what reason and seeing them all be super close to each other. I think a big part of it is that my mom has a lot of bad blood with her siblings re: the adoption, but I wish it hadn't been taken out on me, you know? I wish I had good relationships with my aunts, uncles, and cousins. I visited my aunt, uncle, and their two kids who live on the East Coast a couple of times, but my aunt dropped me like it was hot once my other cousins moved to the US/East Coast and never invited me over again.
Idk!!! Bitter!!! I talk to Derek about it and he's like, "You're a part of my family, and we'll have our own family one day" and that is true but still. I feel like I've been robbed of an experience that so many other people have - which is having a tie with their family of birth/of origin.
Derek and I having a kid is 3 years away, hopefully, according to the current life plan, and I like that plan because I need the time to continue getting my life together before we become parents. I really hope that us having our own family helps me let go of this really deep, long bitterness over being rejected from my family.
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idk you yet: next up forever
reggie peters x oc
and if you’re broken. you’ll make your own thing
There was nothing quite like the rush of playing in front of a large crowd. Reggie loved the band’s chemistry in the garage they used to practice in or the energy of small crowds they played for in the back rooms of record shops while they were trying to make it big, but there was no feeling greater than playing a stadium full of people screaming their name.
Luke loved it too, he ate it up, and he was always on fire, always at his best, which in turn fueled Alex to match his boyfriend’s energy, and Reggie could just feed off of them. When they got signed to their first big label, Reggie could just remember Luke’s flushed cheeks, his, “This is going to be great, guys. We’re going to be great.”
“Legends, even,” Alex added.
Which Reggie thought maybe was a bit much, they were still young, still largely untested, but he loved the enthusiasm. Bobby was a bit more chill, probably the most levelheaded of them all, and the least driven by emotion, but even he was vibrating with excitement.
Then they started planning for a tour. Reggie hadn’t even realized a national tour was possible while they were still teenagers. Hell, he didn’t even realize releasing a full album was possible.
“Boy bands do it all the time, think about One Direction,” Bobby told him quietly while Luke chattered on to Alex about songs he’d written that he thought were perfect for a first album. Reggie was grateful Luke wasn’t the one to read his facial expression that clearly was showing some sort of doubt.
The first tour was incredible, smaller venues, but they sold most of them out. Sunset Curve was new and people were curious. The second tour was where it all became insanely real. Reggie can remember the day Luke ran into the garage, beaming.
He flopped on the couch, which wasn’t unusual, and propped his head up on his hand, “So, I talked to Drew today.” Their manager.
Alex hummed, sitting down next to him, “What about?” If Luke had gone and made decisions without the rest of them, he was the most likely to react in a way that wouldn’t hurt Luke’s feelings, but would still remind him that they were a group.
“He thinks we should do a world tour after releasing our second album.”
Reggie’s eyebrows shot up. He knew they were big, he knew they were popular in a few countries overseas, but he didn’t know they were world tour big. The other two boys were also shocked into silence. Their second album was fairly close to release, they’d released a single for it the week before, but a world tour already.
“Holy shit,” Bobby mumbled, and then a few seconds later, “holy shit!”
“Yeah!” Luke was practically shaking as he jumped to his feet and onto the table, “Guys, this is it. We’ve made it.”
Reggie snorted, “Okay, well, we don’t know that the tour’s going to sell.”
“It’ll sell,” Luke clearly had the confidence to carry the rest of the group through it, which Reggie could get behind. He couldn’t quite shake one of his mom’s lessons growing up: temper your excitement because things rarely go as planned.
So they got to work. They put the finishing touches on their second album, which did extremely well, some of the songs flying up the charts to the number one spot for a few days. They announced their tour, a few weeks later the dates and locations. Some arenas sold out within minutes. When they found that out, Luke bragged, not hesitating to throw in, “I told you so,” every time it came up.
They planned a show, put together a list of their favorite songs off both their albums, worked out effects they wanted to put on something fun for their fans. Reggie was a lot more hands on in that process, not the most gifted with tech, but was the most interested in actually looking impressive outside of just the music.
Then they had to find an opening band. Someone who they could get along with, someone smaller that they could help get exposure. Reggie found them first, on YouTube, a couple called Double Trouble, also based in Los Angeles. After watching a few of their videos, Luke approved wholeheartedly and got Drew to contact them. Double Trouble was ecstatic, and thus, the details were finalized.
And the tour was great, they started in the South and worked their way up the Midwest, hit a few cities in Canada, down the East Coast and ended up home along the West Coast for a few shows.
Reggie was constantly exhausted, it felt like a daze. Travel, play, adrenaline rush, eat, crash, repeat. And everything was great, they played consistently well, and after a few shows, he thought they really got the routine down pat. It worked really well for them, and the boys were thrilled with all the choices Reggie made.
The only problem was that it got lonely. He felt like he was surrounded by couples. Luke and Alex, Julie and Flynn, Bobby and his girlfriend that showed up every so often when she could get off work. Reggie was truly the only one alone. Which was fine, they were busy, but sometimes, sometimes the loneliness was heavy.
It all built, crushing him slowly as they crawled their way through tour, more and more dinners after the show feeling like a double date he was just crashing while Bobby stayed in to FaceTime his girlfriend.
October
When it finally overflowed was after their show in San Jose. It sold out, most of their California shows did, and that one was especially incredible to him. The fucking SAP Center. He knew a lot of their fans were Californians, that’s where they got their start, but he wasn’t prepared for that.
They went to a local place, something small that they likely wouldn’t be recognized much at, and once again, he got the double date vibe. The couples talking lowly amongst each other, relaxed and comfortable, while Reggie picked at the straw paper on the table and stuck it to the condensation on his beer bottle.
He wasn’t sure if it was the fatigue that made him snap or just that the weight of his loneliness got too much to bear, he was out of his seat before his brain caught up and mumbled for them to get him something takeout, that he was going back to the bus.
Luke started to protest, hopping out of the booth to grab his arm, but he must’ve seen something on Reggie’s face that caused him to reluctantly drop his arm. Reggie wasn’t sure what expression he had, but it must’ve been something raw to make Luke give up that easily. Eyes burning, he shoved his hands in his pocket and left the restaurant, desperate to crash in his bunk and sleep it off.
Shoulders slumped, Reggie headed back toward the arena, staring at the cracks in the concrete as he walked, not wanting to attract even the slightest bit of attention. That’s when it happened.
-
William pretty much kept to a routine. It was easier for him, especially during the season, and it kept his dog happy. There was something that night, some anxiousness about the upcoming season maybe, that had him out and about after dark, walking Luna down the sidewalk near the arena.
There had been more traffic than usual that night, he wasn’t sure why, maybe a concert at SAP, but he wanted to see it. Before fans flocked there, and before he was contractually obligated to show up and be on top of his game.
It was something he did in college too, sat in the bleachers right before the season and soaked in the stillness of the rink. The calm before the storm. He couldn’t get into the big arena, not without keys and a certain level of clearance he didn’t have, but he could walk around, using the facade of taking Luna on a walk as his reason.
He almost ran into the boy, more focused on staring at the buildings around him than the sidewalk. It was late, he assumed no one would be out, clearly he was wrong. Luna barking and pulling on her leash snapped him out of his trance, confused as to why she’d be freaking out.
The boy obviously hadn’t seen him either, hands shoved deep into his pockets, staring at the ground, and giving off huge leave me alone vibes. William almost recoiled, he looked so sad. But maybe sad wasn’t the right word. Morose maybe.
Luna could tell too, he thought. She was pretty perceptive like that. William only had to consider for half a second before giving in. Dogs always cheered people up, right? He let her pull him over until he was right in front of the boy who stumbled back at his sudden appearance, startled look on his face.
“Sorry,” William said quickly, trying to look as apologetic as possible, “didn’t mean to startle you.”
The boy shrugged, staring at him inquisitively, eyes narrowed as if he was trying to figure him out. It made him a little uneasy, but he figured maybe the boy was a hockey fan.
“Can I pet your dog?” he asked quietly, staring down at Luna where she was practically chomping at the bit to get to him.
“Yeah, of course!”
William took the time to study him while the boy squatted down to pet her. He was cute, William realized, and looked slightly familiar, though he couldn’t quite place it. Maybe he was from the area or lived in William’s building.
The boy was gentle, murmuring quietly to Luna while stroking her head. He couldn’t be sure, but William thought his shoulders started to lower where they’d been defensively tensed around his ears before.
Luna jumped up, resting her two front paws on his knees, and licked his cheek, drawing a soft laugh. William immediately wanted to hear it again, he was entranced. Soon, too soon in William’s opinion, the boy was gently lowering Luna back to the sidewalk and standing back up.
He cleared his throat and gave William a small smile, “Thanks. Dogs fix everything.”
“I agree,” William answered quickly before taking his chance, “I’m William by the way.”
“Reggie,” the boy answered, holding his hand out for William to shake. He did happily, trying to keep the shake out of his hands as excitement started to build.
“You from around here, Reggie?” he asked, genuinely curious and not wanting to let him go.
“Los Angeles actually.”
William couldn’t stop the frown, totally unsure why Reggie looked familiar. He hummed, “Sucks, NorCal is 100% a better place to live.”
Reggie laughed, “Oh yeah? Seems a bit biased.”
“Totally unbiased,” William crossed a finger over his heart, “I’ve been there.”
“So you live around here?” Reggie crossed his arms.
“I do. A few blocks away.”
“Seems a little late to be out and about.”
“Luna wanted a walk,” William told him, and in a rare state of perfect honesty, “plus was feeling a little anxious.”
“What about?” Reggie asked before flinching, “Oh God, I’m so sorry. That was super intrusive, feel free not to answer that.”
William laughed, “Oh nothing, nerves over a new job.”
“Ah,” he nodded a bit knowingly, “stage fright.”
Narrowing his eyes, William nodded slowly, “Something like that.”
A comfortable silence lapsed, and Reggie’s eyes started to droop a bit. He blinked a few times and let out a sigh, “I should probably get going. It’s been a long night.”
“Me too,” William smiled wryly, “should attempt to get at least a little sleep before I have to be up early.”
“Feel that.”
Just as soon as Reggie went to side step him, to walk away forever, William blurted, “Wait.”
Reggie froze, head snapping up to meet his eyes, “Yes?”
“Can I,” he drew in a breath and gathered his courage, “could I get your number?”
Tilting his head, Reggie looked him over, William could see the carefully masked surprise, “Um, yeah, sure.”
William beamed, and held his hand out for Reggie’s phone. Eyebrows raised, Reggie passed it over. Typing in his number, William couldn’t help but add a shark emoji. Maybe it was a bit on the nose, but he thought it was at least a little funny.
Reggie wrinkled his eyebrows, but texted him to make sure William had his number too. His stomach swooped as it popped up on his screen.
Hey it’s Reggie
“Thank you,” he gushed, trying to mask his excitement a bit, “I’ll text you later.”
Reggie smiled, and it seemed genuine, “I’m looking forward to it.”
-
Reggie was oddly nervous. He’d never met anyone quite like William, the boy who either didn’t know who he was or didn’t care. Laying in bed, he passed his phone back and forth between his hands, waiting for a text that didn’t seem to be coming.
Did he hallucinate William out of pure tiredness, he wondered, scrambling to check. Nope, he’d sent a text. Maybe William fell asleep as soon as he got home. Or forgot.
A voice in his head that sounded oddly like Alex suggested, ‘text him’ which seemed a bit absurd at first, but the idea started to grow on him. Thumbs hovering over the keypad, he eventually came up with something simple.
Hope you made it home okay
The response wasn’t immediate, but came pretty soon after.
Just made it, was about to text you
Reggie smiled goofily, and stared at the message. Shaking his head, he knew he needed to respond.
Guess I’m just faster.
The next text from William was immediate.
Doubt it. Just more impatient.
Reggie snorted.
Also true.
The typing bubbles appeared and disappeared a few times while Reggie waited with baited breath.
So what are you up to?
Reggie hesitated, should he tell this boy who he was or keep it vague?
In bed, probably going to sleep soon
He figured it was probably the right move when William texted back.
Same, got an early morning tomorrow. It was nice meeting you though, talk tomorrow?
Reggie’s stomach actually fluttered, he didn’t even know it could do that.
Sounds great
He fell asleep with a smile on his face and when he woke up, phone pressed to his chest, battery dangerously low, there was already a text from William and a picture of Luna attached.
Good morning, hope you slept well. We sure did.
Reggie sighed, thankful that it wasn’t all a dream.
I did, thanks. Good luck with your new job today
William didn’t text back for a while, but Reggie didn’t really expect him too. He knew not every job was like his, so he figured William wasn’t allowed his phone much at work. Which was fine, he’d just wait with a little ball of anxiety in his chest until he got a response.
It turned into a routine after that. William always responded at the weirdest times. Sometimes in the afternoon, sometimes at night, and sometimes in the morning. Reggie never could pin down his schedule, just went with the flow as they worked their way through the western states.
The boys were never really sports guys. If they did keep up with anything it was basketball. But one night, out of pure coincidence, Reggie found himself on a channel playing a hockey game. It looked interesting, and one of the teams was the Sharks which he faintly remembered played at the arena they’d performed at the night he met William.
Maybe he could talk to William about it later, he seemed like the type to be into sports. So Reggie settled in and texted him, unsure if he’d even get a response.
You a hockey fan?
And then a few seconds later after a brutal hit.
I wasn’t but this is kinda fun. I’m sure you’re a sharks fan, they look good
He took a liking to a particular player, number 23 that the announcers kept calling Harris. Reggie found himself at the edge of his seat as the other team started to come back, the Sharks struggling to hold their lead.
“Come on,” he muttered under his breath, nervously checking the clock, “so close.”
He pulled his phone out as the other team called a timeout.
If you aren’t into hockey you should check this out, I’m so invested
The game started again and he put his phone down, paying full attention to the TV. He tapped his knee as the last minute of the game stretched out, totally confused why the other team’s goalie just dipped, but invested nonetheless.
When it ended, he let out a relieved breath as the Sharks managed to hold on and win. Reggie stood up, shaking out his fingers which he didn’t realize he’d been clenching into his pants. He walked away from the TV, needing a break, and went to find something to eat.
Their cabinets were sparse, so he left the bus, wandering to the nearest grocery store to pick something up. His phone buzzed a few times, no doubt William texting him back, and he juggled the items in his hands to fish it out of his pocket.
Hockey’s cool. Probably my favorite sport. Picked a tough game to watch though. Calgary is pretty good this year, but the Sharks will get it figured out
Reggie chuckled and typed out his response with one hand while he waited for the people in front of him in the checkout line to move.
You seem like you know your stuff
The typing bubble appeared and disappeared for a minute straight, oddly reminiscent of the first night Reggie texted him, before the next text finally came through.
Yeah, hockey’s been part of my life for a while
After setting the boxes down and paying, Reggie responded.
Long time fan then. Always liked the Sharks?
Reggie didn’t get another text for a few minutes and figured it was one of those nights William was working.
Nope, liking the sharks is a new development. Started when I moved here
Stirring the pasta, Reggie nodded and decided to text him back when he sat down to eat. It never happened. He’d left the TV on accidentally, and when he sat back down on the couch, the men on screen were breaking down the game.
“William Harris in particular was impressive tonight. He really stepped up on the penalty kill, that game would’ve been a loss if he hadn’t played like he did.”
A picture of his William popped up on the screen. Well, Reggie was pretty sure. He didn’t quite look like he did when Reggie met him, and sure he’d only seen William that one time, but he was pretty fucking sure that was him.
Hands shaking, Reggie exited their text thread and was hitting FaceTime before even realizing what he was doing. It took William a few rings to pick up, and he smiled, looking a little surprised.
“Why are you on my TV? Or at least I think it’s you,” Reggie blurted, not even saying hello.
William blinked, surprised, “What?”
Reggie flipped the camera to show where they were still talking about this Harris player he’d been enamored with during the game. He watched William’s face carefully and saw the resemblance to the guy on the TV.
William winced and put on an apologetic smile, “Um, because I played well tonight.”
“Mhmm,” Reggie muttered, still shocked, “and you didn’t tell me, why?”
“I thought you’d figure it out. That’s what the shark emoji was for.”
Staring at William incredulously, Reggie managed, “In what world do I make that connection on my own?”
William smiled sheepishly, “Maybe it was a bit of a long shot. But I mean, it’s not a big deal, right? I’m still William.”
Reggie took a deep breath and relaxed back into the couch, “I suppose, yes.”
“And by the way, you’re not off the hook. You didn’t tell me you were a famous musician.”
“Oh God,” Reggie shut his eyes, “I totally meant to. I just couldn’t ever find the right time.”
“How about, ‘hey William, I know I seem normal but I’m actually famous and definitely way out of your league’? That would suffice in my opinion.”
Sitting up, Reggie glared at him, “Hold on, if anyone is out of anyone’s league, you’re definitely out of mine. A professional athlete, are you kidding me?”
William scoffed, “And you have fans all over the world, I just have fans in the United States, mostly in San Jose.”
“But you’re hot,” Reggie countered.
“So are you,” William argued and set his jaw stubbornly.
Reggie sighed, “Fine, we’re both hot. But, I’m not sure what this means.”
“It doesn’t have to mean anything,” William sounded desperate, “we’re just two guys, right?”
“Right.”
“And we like each other, right?”
“Right,” Reggie repeated.
“Then let’s just be two guys who like each other. Not two relatively well known guys.”
Letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, Reggie nodded, “Okay, I think I can do that.”
William was silent, both of them soaking in it, and Reggie sat up, “You look exhausted, I should let you go.”
“Wait,” William protested, “I want to see you again. When are you free?”
“I probably can’t make it for a while,” Reggie admitted, “Maybe mid-November if you have some off time.”
“November we have a homestand, I can definitely do that.”
“I’ll send dates.”
William blushed, “I’d like that very much.”
“We should FaceTime more,” Reggie mused.
“We absolutely should.”
When they finally hung up, Reggie immediately hunted down his laptop to start googling hockey rules. If he was going to (hopefully) date a hockey player he should start learning about the sport.
He didn’t think William would hold it against him if he didn’t, but hockey was clearly something the other boy was passionate about, and the least he could do was support him. Maybe the next day he’d be a bit embarrassed about the texts he’d sent, but for the night, at least he’d be preoccupied enough.
Over the next few weeks, Reggie started to watch Sharks games, every one he could, and the ones he had to miss for shows, he’d watch highlights after, all the time looking for his favorite player. William was good, Reggie knew that from the praise he got in the media, but one night he started looking up William’s highlights particularly. Found some stuff from his stint in college hockey and fell down a rabbit hole. He pulled out his phone.
You’re like. Insanely good.
The response was quick.
Ha. Thanks
Reggie scoffed.
Not joking. I’m looking at your college stuff, you went high in the draft. Maybe I was right about out of my league.
William sent back screenshots of his playlist, a few Sunset Curve songs thrown in the mix.
I’m not the only one insanely talented.
Reggie’s cheeks heated up and his palms started to sweat.
Mostly my bandmates honestly
He could almost hear the tone William would use if they were talking over FaceTime, he’d used it many times before.
Lies and slander. I’ve watched videos too
Reggie got that fluttering in his stomach again, and he actually went to look at dates, something he’d been putting off, checking the Sharks’ schedule to see if there were any days that matched up.
Hey, how about November 14?
William FaceTimed him instead of responding. His cheeks were flushed, “Seriously?”
“Seriously.”
“Yes, absolutely. Fuck yes,” William breathed.
For the first time in a while, the loneliness crushing Reggie started to lighten. He knew his bandmates would start to notice, he knew Alex at least was confused about why the fuck he’d started watching hockey, but for the time being, William was his.
It wasn’t a secret really, not a dirty one. But Reggie shared almost everything, and he wanted something for himself. For once. With a happy sigh, he walked over to his bed and flopped down, smiling widely when one last text came in.
I can’t wait
#reggie x oc#reggie peters#reggie julie and the phantoms#bi reggie#idk you yet series#julie and the phantoms
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hurty lil halfbaked head canon: Mary Campbell and John Winchester don’t even really love each other. (this got REALLY long so i cut it) (tldr: they were together for Extreme Plot Reasons, and the writers did such a bad job SHOWING us that they loved each other, that TELLING us made their Epic Love Story ring hollow)
He was just this guy she was sneaking around her parents to see, and then they get murdered by Old Yeller Eyes, and then BAM! so does John, until she makes The Demon Deal (why didn’t she bring back her parents? she was sick of the Hunting life. why did she bring back John? she thought she could get away from the Hunting life by being with him).
so they’re teenagers infatuated with each other to start, but then after the Demon Deal, John doesn’t know anything about it, and Mary’s keeping that bit tucked away forever, thank you very much, and she KNOWS that part of the deal is “I’m gonna bleed on your baby in a couple years lol”, but she doesn’t say anything. I wonder if she even wanted to have kids? And then when she had Baby Dean, did she sit in his bedroom all night every night when he was 6 months old? And when OYE didn’t show up, did she breathe the first sigh of relief she’s breathed in YEARS?
see, i don’t think they loved each other, bc A Real Big Theme in early seasons was “Free Will, Motherfucker! Do You Have It?!” and that one episode where we meet both the lil Cupid AND we meet Famine... those two lovers who literally eat each other to death (squick), we find have been PRE ORDAINED TO MEET (and fuck), and THEN we find out that the Campbell (Mary) line has literally been BRED BY THE ANGELS LIKE LIVESTOCK to produce Perfect Hunters, and the Winchester (John) line has ALSO BEEN BRED LIKE LIVESTOCK BY THE ANGELS to be the Perfect Nerds (there’s some retconning from the Men of Letters season) and again, THE ANGELS HAVE BEEN PLAYING “THE SIMS” WITH ENTIRE BLOODLINES AND GENERATIONS OF PEOPLE in order to produce Perfect Vessels. Zachariah flat out tells Dean that the Winchesters and Campbells HAD to fuck and produce Dean and Sam in order to produce Michael’s and Lucifer’s True Vessels.
swinging on back to “Mary and John probably didn’t even love each other”: so they’re drawn to each other (literally, there’s marks on their hearts), but their Grand Romance starts with the demonic murder of Mary’s parents and boyfriend, whom she resurrects via Demon Deal. I know (I KNOW) John reminisces about the Zepp Traxx he gives to Mary etc, but they were already tied together by like, what? Their third date? And since Mary knows the Demon Deal is “baby ooohh”, would she NOT be extremely reluctant to have children? Would she not surreptitiously be on some kind of birth control in order to prevent a pregnancy? And if the angels are playing The Sims here, wouldn’t they make that birth control fail? They NEED those Vessels born, dang it.
Idk, that’s where it becomes half-baked. we know that Jimmy Novak and Amelia were Soul Mates, destined for each other, and that when Jimmy dies, Amelia cannot cope and eventually dies a pathetic and horrible death bc she literally can’t live without that midwest twunk. And then when she DOES die, she opens her own front door (in Heaven), and she is REUNITED with Jimmy-- they literally share the same afterlife. (But Mary like... never went to Heaven?? Where even was she? Was this addressed and I forgot it?)
Further to the Interesting Parallels That Totally Got Dropped: when Jimmy dies at the hands of the Supernatural, Amelia crisscrosses America to *find Jimmy*. When Mary dies at the hands of the Supernatural, John crisscrosses America to *kill the shit out of stuff*. Idk, that feels like an interesting kind of litmus test: if your soulmate gets murdered by A Creature, do you find a way to get your soulmate back... or do you just start killing Creatures?
Part of it (a lot of it) is Bad Writing Where They TOLD Us So Many Times But Didn’t SHOW Us Even Once, and part of it really is “The angels were playing The Sims and that’s why these ppl hooked up, even if they weren’t actually very compatible”. I mean, how do you build a real life and relationship with a woman who won’t let you meet her parents, tells you NOTHING about her past, and is REALLY eager to just say “Let’s get in your car and drive away and never come back!”?
On the other hand, John is ALSO untethered? We learn in the Men of Letters season (so, wayyyy past what was originally plotted) that Henry Winchester is a Man of Letters, and he dies while John is like, 10. Okay, so he grew up without knowing his father, doesn’t know wtf his father did all day, etc etc (where’s his mom tho). Anecdata: a friend’s father was in WW2 (my friend was born in the 1960s), and for the rest of his miserable shit life, he reminisced fondly about The Boys he was on a platoon with. This was a man with very little emotional connection to his wife, zero emotional connection to his 3 children (all born post-war!), but would drop everything for One Of The Boys. Now, John Winchester, having grown up without parents (we literally never hear about his mom?), and then heading off to Vietnam? Probably gonna follow a similar trajectory to A Lot Of Dudes Throughout History Who Have Gone To War: their Army Buddies mean more to them than literally anyone else in their lives. So even though he’s married now, I suspect John Winchester is going to be more open and emotionally honest with his Buddies than his Little Woman. And sure, he’ll be proud of having a son, it’s something to drink about with The Guys!
idk, it just seems like John Winchester is the kind of guy who has a wife bc she’s beautiful and he likes her and he’s straight and it’s What You Do. You leave the army, you settle down. But you go on fishing trips with The Guys a couple times a month or so. Idk, like I said, half-baked.
I just think that Mary was always waiting for The Other Shoe To Drop, and that John suffered the same kind of stunted socialization that a LOT of American guys historically have suffered from, in that their only Real Emotional Connections are with their Army Buddies and NOT their wives. I think they got together because the Angels/Plot forced them to be together, and they fulfilled something in each other, but I think they weren’t IN LOVE with each other, and their marriage was more Love Due To Obligations.
And I know there’s been retcons left and right! I know! And Forgive Me Padre For I Have Sinned but I bailed on Supernatural during the British Men of Letters arc, so I haven’t seen very many episodes with Resurrected!Mary, but I’m sure they’ve retconned even more!
thanks for reading, if you did. Sorry it rambles; it makes more sense in my head. :)
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1087
survey by tigerfan1205
Name 5 people that are very important to you.
Other than my dad, mom, and Angela, I can’t think of anyone else. Andi’s a very close friend but they’re not necessarily I’d-take-a-bullet-for-them levels yet.
Do you like eating chocolate covered cherries or strawberries?
I don’t like fruits, so no. I like chocolate-covered unhealthy stuff though, hahah.
What does your 9th text say in your outbox?
Ughhhh I remember this tab being in my old cellphones but I can’t quite remember if this is referring to texts I’ve sent, or my drafts. Anyway, my phone doesn’t store text drafts and I can no longer recall my 9th last sent text.
Ever had a really scary dream? Tell me about it.
I’ve had loads of nightmares but my least favorites have always been the ones where someone I love is shot and they had to pass away in my arms. Out of all my scary dreams, those are the ones that send me crying in my sleep/as soon as I wake up.
Where is the coolest place you've been on vacation?
Vigan was great because it really felt like visiting a 17th-century town. Singapore and Shanghai were also fun because it felt cool going to places much richer than ours and getting to interact with technologies that we will never get to have here HAHA
Would you rather have salad or french fries for a side dish?
Erm, unless the salad has spicy tuna in it, fries all the way please.
Ever been to California? Did you like it?
No. Idk, it’s not the first place on my list if I am to visit the US though. Places in the East Coast and the Midwest personally appeal more to me - and I’m fully aware it’s because they’re well-known for being passionate wrestling hubs.
What's your favorite thing about the town you live in?
I live right smack on the boundary between the more urban sprawl of Manila and the quieter, more peaceful and quaint mountain part of my city. It’s very easy to access either depending on what I’m in the mood for.
Do you like Mexican food? What's your favorite dish to eat?
It’s great, but not my top favorite cuisine. My favorite dishes would have to be fajitas and chimichangas.
Favorite kind of pizza is?
Quattro formaggi all the wayyyy. You’ll never see me ordering anything else.
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? If so, how long have you been dating?
No.
Any brothers or sisters? Do they make you mad?
I have one of each. My sister will sometimes piss me off, but it dies down quick. My brother did something unforgivable to me two years ago so that’s how long I have been constantly mad at him.
Are you nosy?
Eh, sometimes? For the most part I know my place though. I let people share the amount they’re willing to, and very rarely do I try to pry.
Ever been to a bar? What was it like?
Sure, had my fair share of favorites too when going out was still a normal thing. For me, bars are the best if I’m with the right mix of people. If I’m in a crowd I’m not necessarily close with, it can definitely dampen the experience as I will only be feeling awkward. The people in the bar will sometimes be a factor too – I will most likely feel annoyed if I’m somewhere that’s clearly populated by high schoolers or college freshies as they can get super rambunctious and loud.
Are you old enough to drink?
Yes, have been for the last 4 (almost 5) years.
What's your favorite kind of flower?
I enjoy looking at peonies.
Would you rather have pasta or chicken?
Right now, probs chicken - preferably chicken wings because that sounds the most fucking yummmmmm rn. We’ve been having pasta a bit too much at home so it would’t hurt to skip it for now.
Have you ever dated someone, but made them not tell anyone about it?
Yeah. Gabie and I got back together in our final months of high school. We were about to graduate and it was crucial we kept our record clean so that the school won’t strip us of our diploma and prohibit us from marching (it was Catholic school, sooo homophobia and stuff). Because of that, we had to keep it secret for about a month and a half. As soon as I got home from the ceremony and my family dinner, I shared the news on social media. So I didn’t exactly make her keep it secret - it was a mutual understanding.
What's the meanest thing you have done to a friend?
I honestly can’t recall a time i deliberately set out to be an ass to someone I considered a friend. The one thing I can recall was accidentally misgendering Andi when I was still getting used to their pronouns, but I didn’t do it on purpose.
Have you ever kissed anybody with the name starting with a C or R?
No. Those are my initials though, ha.
Why did you and your last ex break up?
She wasn’t ready, she wasn’t down for commitment, and she felt suffocated having only been in a relationship throughout her late teen and early adult years. She really made herself sound like such a victim and she made it sound like commitment is the biggest sin, and so I blamed myself a lot during the first few months of our breakup; but I’ve since made a conscious effort to turn my mindset around and convince myself that I’m not at fault. Bye gaslighters.
Have you ever had a really bad fight with a best friend?
Angela and I only had petty fights and our last one was in like 5th grade. Gab and I got into heavy arguments, but only when we were in a relationship and never as friends.
Do you like spaghetti?
It’s okay. I like other types of pasta better.
Which color: orange or red?
Red.
Do you know any songs by Katy Perry? Do you like her music?
She’s...popular lmao, so yeah I know a good number of her songs. She’s in the middle for me; some songs I really enjoy, like E.T., Dark Horse, and Thinking of You (a personal fave); and there are some that didn’t grow on me as much, like Wide Awake and that awful Christmas song she recently released.
Ever had a near death experience?
I suppose. My almost-car crash is the event I always cite.
Which number: 5 or 19?
19, for no reason whatsoever.
What's your favorite song by Taylor Swift? Why is that your favorite?
Wildest Dreams; it meant a lot to me on a personal level for a time; right now it’s kinda doing it again for me. From her newest album, I really like dorothea also because it’s a bit relevant to my life at the moment.
Pick one: apples or oranges?
I guess oranges. I don’t like fruits but I’m more likely to take a liking to orange-flavored stuff, like juice or chewy candies.
Do you know anybody named George or Bob?
I don’t think so.
What do you like better, being single or in a relationship? Why is that?
I like being in a relationship; commitment comes easy to me and I love looking out for a significant other, supporting them in their dreams, and generally just having someone to focus on, build a future with, and spoil. Being single hasn’t been bad and I guess I won’t mind if I never found someone; but in the grand scheme of things it’s really nice to be able to love someone.
Are you close with your mother?
Not really but our relationship isn’t as strained as it used to be.
Have you ever dated someone named Kyle?
Nope.
If you still go to school, who sits next to you in your fifth period?
I can’t remember the last time I had five classes in a day, lol.
Who was the last person to ring your doorbell/knock on your door?
I think it was my mom, earlier this morning when she arrived back home from her daily jog.
Does anything on you itch right now?
Yeah actually; the opposite elbow got itchy just now.
If the last person you kissed came to your house now, what would you say?
“Aren’t you supposed to be at work?”
If your ex called you crying, what would it most likely be about?
I have no clue, and she would never do that so I literally can’t imagine even a hypothetical reason for this. It has to be a super serious situation, likeeeeeee idk, maybe a death. *knocks on wood aggressively*
Who was the best kisser out of all the people you have kissed?
I’ve only kissed one person, so can’t compare.
Name everyone you have texted today.
This media guy celebrating his birthday today so I had to ask him for his details so we could send him a gift, as well as the contact person for the cake shop that we got in touch with to order said gift for the birthday celebrant.
Who was the last person you spoke to for over 5 minutes over the telephone?
Maybe my grandma when she called a few months ago.
How many times have you went to the bathroom today?
Around three times total, I think.
Who do you currently live with?
My dad, mom, Nina, my brother, Kimi, and Cooper.
What do you like better: sour or sweet candy?
Sweeeeeeet. No sour anything for me, thanks.
Have you ever been told that you have an annoying laugh?
No but I hope this isn’t an actual thing people say to other people. They can think others’ laugh is annoying, but I think it’s one of those things that you can just try to get over and is unnecessary to raise lol.
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Destiel Fic Rec List Part 2
Last Updated in October 2014. Posted in May 2020 for posterity. Listed in no particular order - the total rec list will have ~250 fics. Header graphic used with permission.
This part of the list contains: 35 fics.
Other Destiel Rec Lists: [1]. [2]. [3]. [4]. [5]. [6]. [7].
—–
Kiss and Make it Better by annehiggins
E | 9k
Both the forces of Heaven and Hell are after Dean and Castiel, but sometimes a kiss really does make it all better.
Sweet little loving and bonding fic.
Retreat into Silence by annehiggins
E | 16k | Fluff, Angst, Alt!Canon
Written for this prompt by deceptivechasm on the no longer exists LJ simon_says_dean: “Something very traumatic happens to Dean while he's with Sam (or Sam was away) which causes him to stop talking, *again*. Sam didn't know about the first time, and has to ask Bobby (or John) about what happened after his mum died.”
Sweet, adorable, and really schmoopy with added angst.
I Know What You Like by JinxedAmbitions
E | 4k | Pornstar AU, Bottom!Cas
Castiel agrees to help Gabriel out by being a production assistant at his porn company. However, when porn star Dean Winchester comes onto him on set, who is Cas to say no, especially when Dean seems to know all the things that turn Cas on most?
Hnnnghgggg.
Consort by Valyria
E | 139k [WIP] | Angst, Medieval AU, bottom!dean
When King John of the West Saxons forms an alliance with a neighboring Christian kingdom, his eldest son Dean ends up playing a role he never expected.
Valyria's fabulous (currently WIP) Medieval AU is a must-read. Definitely a slow burn fic--includes very bad/painful sex, but with a great payoff.
What Was Lost Still Leaves Its Mark by shieldmaiden_of_celestial_intent
E | 4k | Hot, Alt!Canon, Sub!Cas, Demon!Dean, Dom!Dean, Praise Kink
Demon Dean captures Castiel and tries to force him to play out a few of his fantasies. Cas soon finds himself willing because Dean still retains some of the good qualities of his human life. It starts out with dubious consent but consent is given later. There is a confrontation where Dean makes Cas strip. If you love Dean's panty kink this figures prominently. This is from Cas' POV and gets romantic and hopeful toward the end. This is canon compliant up to the season 9 finale. Castiel is powered down and has human drives like sex and sleep. Dean dominates him but does not hurt him.
I'm not usually a huge fan of subby!cas because it usually feels ooc to me, but this is. I'm. This is just... Yes. Really hot. Warning for dubious consent at the beginning.
Words with Friends by betty days
E | 22k | Human AU, Sub!Dean, Dom!Cas, BDSM |
"Dean Winchester is as straight as an arrow. He’s a lady’s man of epic proportions: the king of the one night stand, the messiah of the friends with benefits paradigm, the emperor of perpetual bachelorhood. Except, apparently, when it comes to his best friend, Castiel Novak. Wherein a longstanding acquaintanceship leads to friendship, then best friendship, then sexting, then dirty talk, then mutual masturbation, then, inevitably, fucking.
Smoking hot and full of feels.
Little Motels by Lovely_Phrase
E | 238k | Human AU
After John's death, Dean must travel to California to find his estranged brother and deliver the bad news. He takes Castiel with him, despite the newness of their relationship, and finds himself falling in love while staying in a series of little motels. What he discovers after arriving at Stanford is enough to destroy what's left of him, but Dean isn't willing to give up what they have together that easily.
Wow. This was RIDICULOUSLY long and I can't really believe I finished it. Regardless of the intimidating length (heh), it was a captivating story. Though it edged near soap opera levels of drama at times, the plot was sure, the characters grew and developed, and the writing was excellent. Very good read--highly recommended. Perhaps not for the sensitive (in regards to Drugs or abuse). Also not for john!stans.
Dragon Healing for Pleasure and Profit by whelvenwings
G | 6K | Fluff, Wizarding World AU, wizard!dean
When Cas, a zoologist and aspiring author, moves into the house next door, Dean can't help but go over and say hi. He hadn't reckoned, however, on Cas' determination to discover whatever it is that's living in the nearby woods. Dean should follow his instructions and send the guy away, and yet there's always something stopping him. After all, whoever said a muggle couldn't heal a dragon?
OMG AMAZING!! Wizarding World AUs are the best, and this muggle/magical person romance is super sweet.
A Fine Frenzy by the_gabih
E | 8k | A/b/O AU, omega!dean, alpha!cas
The rest of Dean's family have these romantic, almost fairytale stories of how they first met their mates. Dean? Not so much. But he's okay with that.
Super hot. Apparently an abandoned WIP, but it's mostly porn so that doesn't really matter.
The Vessel by chellefic
E | 7k | Alt!canon, body sharing
When his vessel goes missing, Castiel turns to Dean for help.
I love this fic! Vessel fics/sharing bodies is always a fun and sometimes sexy trope. This definitely delivers on both of those fronts.
There's Only One Sure Thing That I Know ❤ by leah k
E | 20k | Fluff, Alt!Canon
Dean doesn't even get halfway through explaining before Bobby starts laughing. When he lets himself think about it for more than five seconds, Dean can almost see Bobby's point: he's faced down demons, witches, vampires, werewolves, ghosts, angels, and Satan himself and now he's been defeated by the God damn Midwest.
This fic was AMAZING. I want to wrap it up in a blanket and cuddle it. Maybe hump it or something. Idk, I'm flexible.
Unusual by Yosei
E | 12k | ABO AU, omega!dean
Now that Sam was in college half-way across the country, Dean needed a roommate in order to keep the spacious apartment (with his own room!) that he'd come to love and call home. With Sam's non-stop worrying, he finally convinces Dean to meet a possible roommate. Who knew that it would be the beautiful dark-winged archangel with a PhD., Castiel Novak?
Come a Little Undone by FagurFiskur
E | 3k | Fluff, Teacher AU, Bottom!Dean, Top!cas
"Well?" Cas prompted, turning his face to the side to look up at Dean. "Are you going to get started? Something about the annoyed tone in Cas' voice, as if he were the one doing Dean a favor and not the other way around, pissed Dean off enough so that his better judgment took the backseat for just a moment. Unfortunately, that moment was long enough so that by the time it ended, Dean was already straddling Cas' thighs. Written for this prompt: Cas and Dean are teachers. It's the end of the year. Cas is stressed out with grading. How does Dean help?
Short, sweet, and hot. Pining!dean and massages yay.
Sex 101 by betty days
E | 50k | Hot, Dancer AU, Alt!Canon, Slow Burn
or: That Time Castiel Asked Dean to Teach Him How to Have Sex. "I want to have sex," Castiel announces suddenly. Dean chokes on his gulp of Baha Blast.
Wherein Dean teaches Cas how to have sex, and Cas teaches Dean why to have sex. This fic is filled with music, literature, fluff, angst, smut, feels, and glitter. Lots and lots of glitter.
This AU will just suck you in. God, I love dancer!dean. It started out with some super hot vouyerism, and progressed to self discovery and more super hot things. Yay.
Dean Winchester Is a Gay Virgin by betty days
E | 79k | Hot, Angst, College AU, Mafia AU, Gay Panic
"Dean Winchester has a grand total of two big secrets: Secret #1 is that he’s a virgin. Secret #2 is that he’s gay. Dean Winchester is a college junior, a full-time mechanic, and a baseball superstar. He's so far in the closet, he can't find a way out. Then he meets Castiel Krushnic, the totally dreamy President of the LGBTQA Alliance at school, and finds out that Cas has some dark secrets of his own.
Wow. This is not what I thought I'd be getting into by the title. I was expecting a nice college AU and then there was unexpectedly the mafia, gritty angst, and family feels. What a ride. If this were a book, I would buy the fuck out of it.
Learning to Breathe by underneathitall
E | 114k | Fluff, Angst, Hospital AU
Dean Winchester was just admitted to the Psychiatric Ward for minors at Lawrence Hospital after a car accident that killed his father but left him alive. When he finds out his roommate is a kid he used to go to school with, Castiel Novak, they start to make a hesitant friendship. At first, Dean's only focus is to get out as fast as he can without any attachments. Soon after that, he discovers that making friendships with other patients in the hospital and developing feelings for Cas might be what he really needed to get through this all along.
ahhsgahahhHhhh I loved this so much! It manages to be weirdly fluffy and feel-good even though it deals with majorly angsty stuff (mental ward, hello).
Just Kisses by tiptoe39
E | 2k | Hot, PWP
Castiel's not ready for anything beyond kisses. So Dean just kisses him. Everywhere.
Hot and sweet.
Tales from the Bunker of Domesticity by teaandjumpers
M | 17k | Fluff, Alt!Canon
Moments of domesticity between Dean and Cas (and occasionally Sam) in the Men of Letters bunker. Essentially, this is a story about the boys building a home together.
NnoOoOooOoOooo this was so domestic and lovely!
The One With Dean's Anal Beads by triedunture
E | 1k | | Hot, PWP, bottom!dean
Complete PWP: anal beads, multiple, dry/painful orgasms, & dirty talk.
Nnnghhhh
Landing by ladyzanra
T | 3k Angst, Canon!verse
“You think in terms of days, Castiel, but there are no days in Heaven,” Hannah tells him, before he leaves. This, Castiel understands, is the reason she does not stop him.
Fuck everything I'm in PAIN.
Simple As That by ashwinchester4
M | 2k | Canon!verse, First Kiss, First Time
Dean Winchester is not very good at doing things in the proper order. That includes his relationship with Castiel. After Cas becomes human, things begin to change slowly, simply, easily. Until everything is different.
Gorgeous. Simple as that.
Let Your Grace Guide You by angel_kink
E | 24k | Alt!canon, wing!Kink,
After Castiel heals Dean at Stull, the hunter finds himself with unexpected abilities. He becomes determined to use his newfound powers, with Castiel’s guidance, to rescue Sam from the cage. In order to ensure that their venture to Hell is successful, they are forced to team up with Crowley, who has his own agenda regarding what’s locked up in the pits of Hell. During the course of their alliance, secrets come out, feelings bubble to the surface, and Dean finds himself once again facing an impossibly dangerous situation in an effort to save his brother.
Napoleon in Rags by linzeestyle
E | 42k | Alt!canon, fallen!castiel
“So,” Dean says eventually, breath ruffling Castiel’s hair. “You gonna tell us about this place? “I don’t have to,” Castiel says, pushing himself up on his elbows. “If I’m right, it’s nearby. Near something called Tucson.” Dean looks at him incredulously and Castiel scowls. “I was hiding an invaluable relic, not purchasing real estate. There's no such thing as a hunter retirement plan.
Amazing!! Canon compliant from 8x17 and diverges from there :D
Kryptonite in Shades of Blue and Green by Annehiggins
E | 12k | Superhero AU
Dean is the only member of the Winchester family without super-powers and has lived with the threat of being used against him all his life. When Dark Angel finally makes threat reality, Dean ends up trapping them together for two months. A lot can happen in two months. Written for this prompt on the spnkink_meme. Technically Dubcon.
Chasing Cars ❤ by ratherbehere
E | 45k | Fluff, College AU, Stripper!dean, demisexuality, Slow Burn
After an awkward accidental encounter at a local strip club, Castiel discovers his college roommate, Dean, has a secret career as a stripper, and their relationship begins to change and a bond begins to form. They face the joys and challenges of life together and discover along the way how deeply they've come to care for each other.
THIS WAS AMAZING! So much UST, Demisexual Cas, which is my favorite, and a long, slow burn romance where they are best friends primarily. Love it.
A Weekend Project by narrativeimperative
E | 16k | Lawyer AU, a/b/o, Omega!cas, alpha!dean,
Castiel Novak is a lawyer for an important firm. He’s also, to his chagrin, an omega. With the help of heat suppressants and some serious denial, it’s not a problem ... until he meets Dean Winchester. And then it’s very definitely a problem.
Literally the best.
Viva by crowleyo
E | 38k | AU, Stripper!Dean, doctor!cas, accidental marriagE |
Dr. Castiel Novak swears he will never let his sister talk him into a surprise trip again. Now he has just woken up in Las Vegas with a hangover, an unknown ring on his finger and a beautiful man next to him. It gets even better, though, when Castiel's last memory from the night before is seeing this man up on a stage in a skimpy cowboy outfit. Now, Castiel has to learn to live a cliche.
Hush by Braceyourself & dresden
E | 105k | College AU
He'd heard all he needed to know about Dr. Novak, really. Straight-laced academic, prioritizes punctuality, favours the smartest students; it doesn't bode well for Dean.
Wow, so great! Dommy!Cas, teacher/student AU. There is rape in it, but not between Cas and Dean.
The Seraph by Hywar
E | 135k | Creature AU, Dub!con, Dom!cas, Sub!dean
Ever since the seraph were discovered, there's been one rule society has had to adapt to: stay out of open water. Powerful, determined and aggressive, the octopus-human creatures are in a league of their own and have no qualms with taking what they want and attacking what they don't. Now, children learn to swim in man-made lakes and beaches are deserted save for researches and the fool-hearted. Dean Winchester is neither of those things. But a hunt has brought him and Sam, his brother, to one of the many abandoned beaches, where Dean is left with no choice but to take refuge in the water. He should be safe, he thinks, he doesn't go too deep - just deep enough to hide himself and to deter his pursuer. He forgot just how fast the damn things could be, and how determined they were once they had their eyes on something.
AMAZING. Love love love! Dominant!Cas who just wants to take care of his willful, human mate. Also tentacle sex. Be warned for dubious consent (because Cas is very convinced he's doing what Dean wants/needs but Dean is not so sure).
Contact by clotpoleofthelord
E | 16k | Alien AU, Tentacles
When aliens land on Earth the first time, Dean ignores it. When they land a second time, he's a little curious. When the third landing happens in his back yard, his life gets very complicated, very fast.
Taking Wing by riseofthefallenone
E | 44k
Dean frowns around the cave, his head spinning as he tries to make sense of what he’s seeing with his eyes and his echoes. The smell doesn’t hit him until he’s already staggered to his feet, claws clicking on the stone floor. It’s the scent of another bat; different than any kind he’s smelled before. It’s not exactly unpleasant, but it does strike home a realization that turns his stomach inside out. This place belongs to another bat and Dean has pretty much just basically invaded their home.
This is adorable. I didnt know I could get so attached to two gay anthropomorphic bat people.
Rain by The MigratoryLane
E | 2k | | Hot, Canon!verse, PWP
The fact that Dean Winchester was a strikingly handsome man had not eluded him. But the low burn of arousal that now flowed through his veins was entirely foreign not a month ago. Where as an angel the mere sight of Dean’s neck elicited no greater response, now Castiel found that he wanted nothing more than to trace his lips across the stubbled flesh beneath his jaw—to lick and kiss and suck at it until Dean moaned with the sensation.
CASTURBATION!!
Cheers, Angel Eyes by wannaliveindeansdimples
E | 20k | AU, bartender Dean, Cop Castiel
Dean Winchester is a bartender. He's noticed a new semi-regular and even given him a nickname. Pretty soon he and "Angel Eyes" become friends. Dean wants more, but is secretive, awkward Castiel ready to give it?
As the author's tags say, no matter the universe or circumstance they always find each other and act all schmoopy.
A Little Slice of heaven by authocracy
E | 5k | AU, bottom!cas, wing!Kink
Welcome to A Little Slice of Heaven, where angels stationed on Earth can come, relax, and enjoy themselves. Dance your cares away at our nightclub, or treat yourself to our world-class spa treatments with staff specially trained in the art of wing maintenance. Let our experts turn your stress into pure pleasure.
The War is over, and Castiel finds himself bored and lonely in Heaven. He runs into Gabriel, who remembers him from the battlefield and offers to give him a tour of the best places on Earth. The archangel introduces him to his friend Dean, a masseur with magic hands. Castiel, a little self-conscious and shy, doesn't know what Dean means by "extra services" but is eager to spend extra time with him regardless.
Long Time Coming by authocracy
E | 13k | Hot, genderswap au
For the prompt: Okay, so in my head, girl!Dean likes her anonymous hookups, likes her slutty biker look and her oversized flannel shirts and skinny jeans. Granted, she's getting a little old for the club scene, but she's always been more of a bar girl. And maybe Sam kind of despairs of her because he's all "RESPECT YOUR BODY AND YOUR MIND DEAN(NA?)" but Dean's never really bought any of that - she likes feeling close to people, and it's hard to with her lifestyle. Plus, there's something powerful about being hot enough to attract as many guys as she does. Thing is, she's not that easy to get off. It takes her time and effort when she's on her own, let alone when there's some guy expecting things of her. And let's be real, a lot of guys in the kind of places she goes to don't really know how to get a girl off. Maybe she's never even come during sex with a guy. Enter Cas.
I love my genderswap fics, and this one is um... really hot.
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please. please may i hear more about throcky and/or midwest monsters wip 🥺🥺🥺🥺
ASK AND YE SHALL RECEIVE (sometimes. My ADHD is wild and rules over what I remember to address ajfnznfjk)
So let's start with Throcky of When the Waves Kiss the Trees!
- Kalem "Throcky" Throckmorton started as a joke based on those posts that went around a while ago about the math problems that included "my cousin Throckmorton." My friend asked me to have a side character named Throckmorton in exchange for...something. I honestly can't remember it's been a couple years I think ajfnnzfn BUT!! I agreed, and thus Throcky was born.
- At the beginning of WTWKTT, Rute doesn't know he's a changeling. He's still stuck in the human form his fae mother put him in. However! The city he's currently living in has started to industrialize, and as factories pop up, he begins to get sick. A sudden rise in the iron around you will do that, I suppose!
- The doctors are like "get some fresh air!" and his mom, instead of taking him to the park or smth idk, is like "you're gonna go live with your reclusive cousin and his goats for a while" and Rute, deliriously ill, is just like "yeah ok makes sense"
- Everyone give a round of applause to Throcky for nursing Rute back to health!
- More info about Throcky! He basically has a backyard farm where he keeps mostly chickens and goats. Sometimes something else wanders into the yard and he's like "well I guess you live here now"
- He has a fat grey tabby named Celery! She's a menace and we love her.
- Along with his animals, he's got a baller garden. It extends to inside his house bc holy shit, that's a lot of plants, sir--
- He makes a KILLER rosemary bread (among other things. Honestly Throcky is husband material the more I think about it.)
- He has a milk delivery service! Once a week he'll deliver goat milk to folks in town and also! To the castle! He'd do it more often but he's just one guy. (Rute eventually helps out with deliveries and that's how he meets Oliver 👀 Goat Milk Said Gay Rights!)
- Throcky got this little house away from everyone to be ALONE okay people are TOO MUCH all he needs are his GOATS and his CHICKENS and CELERY
- Honestly tho he cares way too much. He loves his family and he loves the people he delivers to, he just also loves having a place alone to retreat to at the end of the day. Classic introvert. Anyway stan Throcky
Okay! Now on to Midwest Monster Hunting WIP!
- So first of all I'm currently hyperfixating on The Witcher so jot that down
- Second of all, this takes place in Ohio, and Ohio (as described by my partner) is a strange lovechild of the Midwest and the South so. Jot that down as well
- It's still in the planning stages, but! What I'm thinking is, at some point humans kinda decided "so we don't feel like giving our children to the fae anymore, this seems Fucked Up. We're hardy folk we can totally take whatever punishment you decide to dole out" (now that I'm thinking about it like. How very American of y'all)
- The fae, of course, Don't Like Not Getting What They Want, and so oops! They "accidentally" unleashed otherworldly monsters into our world! HOWEVER if u give us ur babies we'll train them to fight and kill these monsters to protect you 👀
- Humans are like. Shit. I guess you got us. Have our babies. Never mind that you're gonna keep releasing more monsters so that we keep giving you our children. This is Fine.
- The monster hunters will eventually get a Cool Title but I'm not that far yet
- There are a few main faerie courts in this story! We've got the seasonal courts (spring, summer, autumn, winter) and the celestial courts (sun, moon, stars). If you give your kid to one of the seasonal courts, you'll probably definitely see them again once they've been trained up! If your kid ends up in a celestial court.....well, they'll be damn good monster hunters and the pride of your town if they survive!
- OH ALSO your kid isn't gonna come back looking the same. In general, their hair is gonna look more like....like if they were fae that grew up in that court. They're gonna have cat eyes to better see in the dark. There's gonna be an otherworldliness to them. Also they'll probably be sporting a new name. Apologies.
- The story follows Avery (name pending, I'm not entirely attached to it), a monster hunter from the Court of the Moon; Antonia Figueroa, one of the more prominent local witches; and Javi Justiniano, this weird person who just has weird magical things happen around them more often for some fuckin reason idk I totally dk but that's Spoilers
- They will all kiss. Eventually. Listen I like slow burn in theory but it's so hard to write I'm so impatient I just want them to KISS--
- Avery doesn't exactly....kill the monsters. Unless he HAS to (ie it's fatally wounded when he gets there). What he does in most cases is sedate them, and then put them in a pocket dimension he creates for that kind of monster to thrive in. Is this a power he learned in the Court of the Moon? Possibly. That's a cool idea
- If someone wants like, Proof that he killed it, he'll just glamour a rock or smth to look like a tooth or an eye or w/e
- Of course, once you've created like. A TON of pocket dimensions. Something's gonna notice, and that Something probably won't be too keen on you playing with the fabric of reality so much. Also you're gonna get tired I feel like
- Antonia (aka Toni) is the local witch, and thus helps monster hunters by creating sedatives for the monsters, or making antidotes for various monster venoms, or breaking curses. Among other things!
- She knows how Avery works and like, she's worried about him, but she helps him anyway. She doesn't stop telling him that he's gonna get himself killed this way, tho!
- Javi seems to attract magical phenomena, but also, monsters seem to be drawn to them and become calmer around them. They don't know why, but like, if a monster flies in through their bedroom window and curls up to go to sleep in their bed, they're just gonna let it, y'know? Maybe give it a pat. Feed it some Oreos or smth. Can weird flying monsters safely eat Oreos?
- There will be adventures! There will be demons in the corn! There will be cool monsters! There will be Gay! There will be polyamory! What's not to love?
This ended up being wAY LONGER THAN I ANTICIPATED but it was a lot of fun so!! THANK YOU MAX FOR THE ASK AND FOR MY LIFE ILYSM!!!
#from the jay themself#wtwktt#midwest monster hunting wip#long post#i love throcky and i love my new kids y'all....#thank u max for the ask#like thunder below
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Fated (Prologue)
Master List: @afewmarvelousthoughtsadmin
Pairing: Hades!Bucky x Persephone!Reader
Summary: Humanity has broken the world. How they did it doesn’t matter. What does is that in doing so they quickened the old gods once more.
A century later things are settling into a new order but all is not as it seems. As Fate draws two gods together the cracks begin to show in this new age.
Will their bond tip the delicate balance or restore order to a broken world?
Warnings: Blood, death (background character)
A/N: I started thinking about a Hades!Bucky character after I saw that @invisibleanonymousmonsters wanted to see a fic centered around a Hades!Bucky and Persephone!Reader relationship. I’ve never done anything like this but I have been dabbling in a Greek pantheon novel for literal years. So I’m sort of using this as an exercise to break out of the rut with that work and to see if I can work with building a “new” character out of the bones of Bucky. It’s an interesting challenge and idk how I feel about it yet but here’s kind of a prologue thing.
Feedback would be AMAZING because I feel very out of my depth with this.
Tags are open!
@mywinterwolf @disagreetoagree @breezy1415 @peachthatdrinkslemonade @wonderlandmind4 @piensa-bonito @handplucked @katecolleen
He runs his fingers through his long dark hair. Maybe he should cut it. That seemed to be the style men preferred these days. Short on the sides, almost to the scalp, length on top. No, he liked it long. The preferences of men never did interest him as it did his brothers.
Looking down at the dark navy and gold workings of his metal left hand he’s once again impressed by his nephew’s skill. Not a single hair snagged in the delicate joints. It brings a smile to his face knowing the care that was put into it. More care than Heph’s parent’s ever showed the boy. Well… he wasn’t a boy anymore, was he? Hadn’t been for millennia.
He sighs and looks in the mirror. Striking blue eyes flash under strong dark brows, a hard mouth, dark thick stubble not quite enough to be called a beard covering a sharp jaw. It had been almost a century since the gods awoke, the cold Ichor being brought back to blazing light by the hubris of men. Yet even after all these years, he was still settling into the feelings of once again being flesh. Still trying to see himself in the glass.
“James,” he intones. Would it ever feel quite right on his tongue? It was as good a name as any and certainly was more palatable to modern tongues than other names he had worn throughout his long existence like Aidoneus, Pluton (which had always been his least favorite), and of course Hades. James, was unremarkable, just like he liked it.
Heavily he sighs running the fingers of his right hand over the scars that connected metal and flesh. Like the name, it was a good body. Though battle-scarred and broken even in such a short amount of time. There were always battles to be fought. They would always call on him to fight them. After all… shouldn’t a god of Death herself be thrilled to be in the midst of a battlefield…
He sneers at his own reflection. No. He never wanted to be Death’s agent among the celestial beings of the earth. He took the title because his brothers would have rent the heaven’s and made the cosmos bleed in order to avoid the yoke of responsibility being Death’s consort gave one.
What did it matter? Choice, was never a boon he was granted.
Sensing their master’s distress Cerberus paws at the door. The low whine from each dog perfectly in tune making it sound like one. He can’t help the smile that rises to his face. If nothing else at least fate had seen fit to give him his companion.
He opens the door and kneels down to the three massive black hounds, “I’m ok, boy.” Happily, they lap at his face. Though by all appearances they were three separate beings it was nothing but a clever glamour. Humans had adapted faster than expected to gods among them but a three-headed hell hound was rightfully unnerving to most.
With his signature perfect timing his brother’s obnoxious voice chimes in from the ether. “How’s my perpetually gloomy older brother today?” A wavering image hovers over the obsidian scrying disk revealing that fucking smug smile.
“Not in the mood for whatever bullshit you have in mind Zeu-“
“Anthony, remember. We are doing the whole use modern names thing aren’t we? I get yours right every time Jimmy. It hurts that yo-”
James’ skin crawls. “It’s James.”
“Ever the ray of sunshine.”
“Hey, Brother!” Pos- er Steven’s golden head pops up from behind Anthony. He always had a soft spot for this one. Even if he was inarguably the moodier of the three no matter what Anthony said about James.
“If the two of you are calling it can’t be good,” he groans and falls onto the bed, the image of his brothers switching to the ceiling to stay in his line of sight.
“Just thought we’d check in on you bruv!” Anthony had a thing for human slang. It was obnoxious.
“Yeah. Sure you are.”
“Just tell him,” Steven hisses at Anthony.
“Well… there is something. A bit of a skirmish is kicking up in the midwest, some factions and a demi-god, not one of mine,” his brother was known for his messy children so the distinction was warranted.
“And you want good ol’ Hades to put the fear of Death in them?” They both smile like idiots. He groans again, louder. All he wanted was to be left alone. Was it too much to ask?
“If you could,” Steven pipes up. “If you’re not too busy. I’ve got a lot on my plate and Anthony-“
“I’ve been whipping together some new toys. Speaking of how’s the new arm?”
“Your kid did a great job, almost as good of a job as you did blowing it off.” James wanted to be sure his brother never forgot.
“It was almost a century ago. Let it go.” Anthony’s voice is wheedling. It’s all the more annoying because his brother was notoriously terrible at letting anything go… ever.
“I’ll take care of it,” not like he had a choice.
“Thanks,” they call out, almost as in tune as Cerberus.
“Yeah.” He doesn’t let them say anything else, swiping his hand in the air to break the connection.
Sighing he sits up and flexes his arm, looking at how the light reflects on the surface. The humans used to depict death with a scythe. How long would it take for them to change the image to a dark man with a deadly arm instead? Not long he figured. Fear was a powerful thing.
And everyone feared Death.
You stare at your hands, bloody and shaking. The child shrieks behind you as Mother and Calli tend to its tiny form. It would live. Another orphan among thousands… millions on this broken world but the mother… Desperately her right-hand reaches weaker my the second still longing to feel her child in her arms.
“Kore,” your mother hisses. “Come away. She’s lost.”
But you can’t. Wiping your hands on your clothes you kneel beside the woman and take her reaching hand in your own. Her mouth hangs open as if her words have been stolen from her.
“She is Death’s now,” Calli says softly from the baby’s side. “Leave her be. There is no room for the dead here, child.” You glare at the two women.
They won’t even deign to look behind them at you and the woman. A soft sob comes from her, so faint you almost wonder if you imagined it and your attention returns to her.
“Shh,” you whisper in her ear. “You did your best. Your son will live.” Reaching into your pocket you pull out one of the old smooth coins you always keep. “Here,” you slip it into her hand, “for the ferryman.” Her eyes look like that of a frightened rabbit and your heart hurts. “I’m sorry.”
“That is enough, Kore!” Mother bellows with the force only a goddess can muster. It makes your hair stand on end. She still won’t spare you or the woman a glance. Quickly you kiss the woman’s forehead and rise. “Come tend this new life and stop wasting your time on one that is over.”
“She can hear you still, Mother,” the woman’s small heartbeat still tings in your ears.
“What does it matter?” She’s slipping tiny socks onto the baby boy’s feet. “Humans die every second. We are shepherdesses of life daughter. We don’t sully our hands with death.”
Calli nods in agreement and offers you a warm smile. You don’t return it. Instead, you focus on the child, now quieted by being given a bit of milk with the smallest drop of Ichor to fortify the small thing. Life pulses around him, hot white strands of light, so bright it almost hurts your eyes.
They always thought about life, her mother and Calli. Preserve life. Nurture life. Make things grow, make them thrive, heal this broken earth. They never wanted to talk about from where life came. Never wanted to acknowledge that even a plant must destroy its seed in order to grow. As far as you could tell all life sprung from the death of something else. Even this life you were all living, similar as it was to a distant past, was built on the ashes of humanities fall.
The old unsettling thought rises to your mind. The other gods spoke of ages past but you remembered nothing of those times. Mother said it was simply your youth- the woman makes a small sound, throwing off your train of thought and you know she’s gone.
Suddenly, the room feels too tight. You bolt, ignoring Mother’s call. Your feet echo in the hall as you run, desperate to be outside, to feel the earth beneath your still bloody hands, to breathe air that didn’t smell of birth and death.
Bursting from the doors you stumble into the courtyard, surging with plant life. It’s here too though, you can smell it. The decay from which the life springs. It overwhelms you. Every rose suddenly seems sinister in its beauty, every apple inherently vile.
Something that has been brewing inside you is reaching its peak. This was the fifth maternal death in the last week. And you’d lost count how many you had seen die in such a way over the decades you worked by Calli and your Mother’s side here at Eleusis House. Too many. Some girls you had brought into the world only to see them die years later in the same place they took their first breath.
You stare up at the steeple of the building, once a holy place for some now silent god. Something like a memory tickles at the edges of your mind, songs, a dry cracker being placed on your tongue. Shaking your head you look away. These echoes always came when you were upset. Mother said you were just being dramatic as young goddesses are wont to be from time to time. She’d then tumble into some tale about Hera you didn’t care about hearing.
“Kore?” Abigail stands at the door of the main hall staring at you, concern on her face. It takes a moment to understand why. You’re covered in the gore of a messy birth still and… when you look at your hands you notice the sheen of magic surrounds you. “Are you ok?”
Abigail was a kind person, one of the women who pledged to serve Eleusis House. She and her sisters helped find women who were with child and without resources. They would be safe and cared for here, better than anywhere else. Mother had made this place a haven, clearing a whole block of the city surrounding the compound that was already there to make a small piece of paradise.
The humans thought it was a kindness. Overwhelmed how these new gods cared for their fragile lives so much. You know that without the humans the balance of the world would tip and everyone would die. It wasn’t kindness to protect the humans. It was survival. Still, she liked helping them, and Abigail was something like a friend.
“Yeah. I just… needed some air.”
Abigail looks at your bloody clothing, “Danielle didn’t make it… did she?” Danielle. You hadn’t even known the woman’s name. You just shake your head. Abigail stares into the distance, her gauzy head covering marking her a servant of Demeter blowing in the breeze.
“Her son lives though,” you hope it’s a comfort.
“Small victories are still victories,” she sighs out. Thought creases her brow, “Who will he go to?”
It was March 21st. “He’ll be sent to a house of Ares.” The system had been worked out almost a century before. A crude but effective way to ensure the orphans had a place to belong by sorting them based on birthdate.
Abigail snorts, “And to Hades before 30.” She likely wasn’t wrong. Children of Ares died young, fighting some battle or other. It was the way of things. “I… I’ll tell the others and send someone for the body.”
“Thank you,” Abigail just nods and heads silently back to the main hall.
Your eyes wander to the rise of the skyline peeking over the barrier wall, covered in lush night-blooming vines. To your memory, you had never left this enclave nestled in the city once known as New York. Existence began and ended here for you, though you knew that couldn’t be right. Like all the gods you had lived before only to sleep away centuries… You shudder.
Regardless, it wasn’t a bad life. There was so much work to do. Plants to help heal the scorched earth as well as medicinal herbs for the blights threatening humanity needed to be cultivated and sent out. The women who came here needed shelter, healing, and someone to watch them tear themselves open… For decades you took comfort in this. Now… it wasn’t enough.
This growing awareness of death was bringing everything Mother told you was worth paying attention to in this world into question. Causing a restlessness within you nothing could quell. You begin to pace this section of garden, stopping before a small apple tree.
The golden ones were just about ready to pick and you run your fingers over the thin skin of the fruit. You can feel the glowing tendrils of light within it, connecting it to the tree, to the roots, to the earth herself. Life bright and beautiful pulsing there.
Your mind goes foggy for a moment. It’s as though something else takes hold of you then and you begin to pluck at those strands of light with an invisible hand. One by one they snap. Little rivulets of light like blood drip from the withering fruit down your palm.
When you fully realize what you’ve done you gasp and pull away. The apple hangs there swaying a bit, shriveled though not necessarily rotten before it falls, devoid of the light it held a moment before, to splatter on the ground below. An instant later, it’s dust.
What had you done…?
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eregyrn-falls replied to your post: a quick Google search confirms the Grand Canyon...
1. i agree with you about Four Corners; we stopped there because I couldn’t NOT stop there, but we spent like 10 minutes, really. 2. also YES, i have this same impulse when planning road trips. when i did a big SW trip with friends we drove over 2100 miles in 2 weeks (Vegas > Death Valley > Zion > GC North rim > Antelope canyon > massive detour because of landslide > GC South rim > Monument Valley > Four Corners > Mesa Verde > Gallup > Petrified Forest >…
and I want to get out there again to see bits in NM that we didn’t fit in, and frankly, if I haven’t done Yellowstone by that time, I would TOTALLY put Yellowstone on that itinerary, because think of all the great places to stop between the two! (Also I have friends in Denver. It’s quite likely I’ll get out there to see RMNP and just continue on up to Grand Teton and Yellowstone.
And heck… is Glacier REALLY that far from Yellowstone? I mean… when you get right down to it? lol )
oh man that trip sounds AWESOME. it’s been years since my family has gone on one of those fun trips to see National Parks out west (last time was in high school when we saw the Grand Canyon for the second time, and a couple other things I can’t remember off the top of my head), sadly, but it was SO GREAT and I even had one of those Park Passports where you get stamps from every National Park you go to.
I haven’t been to Death Valley, but I’ve been to most of the things you listed, lol, including Zion and Petrified Forest. I honestly can’t remember how many National Parks or Monuments I’ve been to, since it’s so many and we started going when I was so young. supposedly, I’ve been to Craters of the Moon and really liked it, but I can’t remember it. Glacier National Park, I would love to go to, as well.
my roommate and I want to go out west so I can show them all the National Parks I went to when I was younger, and we can ogle nature and I can explain the science behind the nature (being a geologist means I get extra out of most National Parks, lmao).
anyways, my two cents: ABSOLUTELY stop by Grand Teton. it’s GORGEOUS. I took a million pictures when we went there during Field Camp.
(Field Camp is a required field work class for a geology degree. I hated most of it bc there were a few people who hated my guts and a few rotten apples spoil the barrel [VERY LONG STORY], but we also stopped by some National Parks to talk about geology of those places and I actually enjoyed that bc NATIONAL PARKS. most of the places we stopped were repeats for me lol)
Yellowstone is SO UNIQUE and my ALL-TIME FAVE, including the Grand Canyon, bc it’s the epitome of my field of research. like, the classic site to study geomicrobiology is Yellowstone. the geysers are cool, but the hot springs, man. THE HOT SPRINGS. you NEEEEEED to go there. I’ve been there twice and I aim to go there a third time sometime soon.
also good to look for is Devil’s Tower. I think it’s a National Monument, not a National Park, but it’s wicked cool. Jewel and Wind Cave (National Monuments) are also really cool, but if you get claustrophobic, probably should be avoided. oooh, and the Badlands! the Badlands are SO COOL. that’s one I’ve been to twice, first when I was smol and second for Field Camp. and even tho I only really remember the Field Camp visit, I am more fond towards the vague memories of the trip when I was smol. I think we saw wild horses, which....would explain why I loved the Badlands so much when I was smol.
RMNP is a good one! I have many fond memories of it, since it was the one we went to multiple times when I was younger while we visited my relatives in Denver. like I said, it’s been a while, but I remember going up this long, winding mountain road, and snow outside even tho it was summer (bc mountains be like that sometimes). and we stopped at the visitor’s center (?) at the peak, and drank hot cider, and I looked at the polished rocks they had. and my dad played John Denver nonstop, naturally.
in general, there is SO MUCH great stuff out west and I am SO JEALOUS of the people who just. live near that stuff. like, I love being in the Midwest and don’t see myself ever living somewhere else, but damn we basically just have cornfields and pastures. there are some exceptions, like the Loess Hills in Iowa (which are...some sort of National Something but idk what), or Devil’s Lake in Wisconsin, but nothing’s gonna top the majesty of the Grand Canyon or the landscape of Grand Teton or the awe-inspiring geysers of Yellowstone. nothing’s gonna top that.
two side notes: have you tried bison? TRY BISON. they serve bison at like ALL the parks out west, and I lose my shit every single time, bc bison is SO GOOD. and the huckleberry stuff, too! I had a huckleberry flavored pop at Grand Teton that was way better than it had any right being, tbh. for me, the western National Parks are: come for the nature, stay for the nature, and enjoy the shit outta the food.
I couldn’t find anywhere to put this side note so that it would mesh with my ramblings, but if you’re a National Parks junkie like me, you should go to Voyageurs! it’s in Minnesota near International Falls and the Boundary Waters. I’ve only been there once (...I think), but I am very fond of it bc I actually have a great-aunt and great-uncle who live there. like. their house is literally inside the park. I don’t know how they got permission for it, but they’re there. it’s so gorgeous and peaceful. the wildlife is really something else, imo. there’s a specific kind of lady’s slipper that is very rare and found most frequently in Voyageurs.
....anyways, in case you couldn’t tell, I am very fond of the National Parks. my parents took me and my sisters on long trips to National Parks and State Parks and National Monuments when we were younger to instill in us an appreciation for nature, and to broaden our horizons, and educate us, and give us a taste for the outdoors. and damn, did it fucking work.
#eregyrn-falls#(I was reminded of Voyageurs when my parents took me to REI#and there was a shirt with Voyageurs on it)#(needless to say I now own said shirt)#sorry I rambled so much I just have a lot of THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS#THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ABOUT NATIONAL PARKS#I mean. working for the National Parks has been on my list of potential jobs for YEARS#it's not top of the list for Reasons#but it's def one of my considered jobs.#thelastspeecher. Park Ranger.#response
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i do not want, but crave the k askjfsjask
idk but it’s some type of k
james always waits until they’re all passed out to begin opening. it’s all chaos, though. everyone opens and once and he watches laney open her’s. he’s leaning in close to see the paper pull back to show a box of chocolates. she coos and looks up to his mom and gives her a polite, and warm thank you. she nods back, as if it was her pleasure to give laney such a gift. he knows she just didn’t want laney to be left out.
“if you forget to take those home i will eat them.” he leans in to whisper to her. “i’m just letting you know now.”
she scoffs, hitting his chest. “no way, i’m not forgetting these. i’m eating them when i get home.”
“you know what’s a fool proof way of not forgetting them tonight?” he grins.
“what?” she looks up at him.
his fingers finger the back of her neck, rubbing over the chain resting against her skin. “you stay here.”
she looks around, her cheeks getting a bit pink. “your parents are staying though, right?”
he shakes his head. “my dad gifted my mom with a hotel night stay in the city. they’re leaving after dessert.”
laney can’t help but let a small smile slip from her lips as she looks down form the box. “yeah, sure. you could probably use some help cleaning anyways.”
“yeah, that’s a good reason.” he grins.
“romeo! open you presents.” susan shouts at him and he rolls his eyes, his cheeks turning pink.
so he does. he thanks his grandparents for the book, and his parents for the sweater which he will probably wear soon. he gets the gift of an old fergie album from don, which he says is the greatest gift of all. he doesn’t own a fucking cd player and he’ll never touch it but jokes on don because he loves fergie.
he hears laney laugh with the rest of the family during jokes, and the watch the kids open their presents and jump with excitement when they see the new toys they got from their uncle, or their grandparents, or when they get a book from great grandma and grandpa, which makes james smile. as they watch, he can’t stop running his thumb over the chain on the back of her neck. it feels good, knowing it’s there. knowing he’s hanging on her neck like that. he catches her rub the pendant between her fingers at one point. when she notices he’s watching her, her cheeks turn pink and she puts her hand back down. he couldn’t keep his grin hidden no matter how hard he bit down on his lip.
maybe he was right in his comment. maybe waiting is dumb. because really, when will things be better? sure, he was right in saying no to laney that first time, but it’s been over a year now and no one makes him feel stronger than laney, so why shouldn’t he be making this happen? his mom got his hesitance but she also said that she trusted him. and his biggest fear? the possibility that someone gets hurt so bad that someone relapses? well isn’t that just as much a possibility now?
“thank you, uncle jamie!” glenn, who is only a year younger than sam, rushes up to him and he has to pull his arm away from laney, so he can hug him back when his small arms wrap around him.
“you’re very welcome, kid.” he grins, patting his back when his pulls away. once he rushes back to take a look at his new toy, james rests his back against the couch, but he holds himself back from touching her, feeling like he was caught in the act.
it was long after presents that the youngest kids were getting cranky. a couple of his cousins has to leave, so james made sure to send them home with some pie as they did. he left laney in the living room to fend for herself, where he had a feeling his family just might eat her alive. he was right, because when he peaked around the corner to see what was happening, his cousin mary was sitting right next to her, looking at the necklace on her and grinning wide. he went back into the kitchen before his face got too red and he finished packing up dessert and handed them to his cousins as the pulled him in, telling him how much they loved him and how proud they were. he smiles, saying the same back to them, and he starts dishing up the rest, the room just a big more quiet with a few people gone.
they all sat in his living room, eating their dessert and talking even more.
“james.” laney says quietly, and he tilts his head to look at her, chewing his pie. “here.” she swipes her finger across the edge of his lips, then pulling her finger to her mouth to lick off the sugar, “you’re good now.” she smiles, and he swears her might just tackle her now.
“i’ve never been so excited to clean with you.” he says, still holding her gaze, but mostly looking at her lips.
she bites her lips, and nods. “yeah, me too.”
he finally looks away from her, jumping into a conversation with one of his uncles and cousins. it’s all banter and he even hears laney chime in, which makes him smile. he hopes she feels a bit more comfortable here. he wants nothing more than for his family to become a part of her life.
eventually, family starts to trickle out. some have to go to other sides of the family, his autn is taking grandma and grandpa home so her family leaves with all of them collectively. his parents have their bags packed and are ready to head to their special night away. they come up to james as they’re at the door, his mom giving laney a hug and telling her it was so nice to meet her, and she hopes to see her again soon. james walks them to the door, giving them tight hugs and exchanging i love you’s and we’re so proud of you. james just tells them to send him pictures of the hotel and not to have too much fun. it makes his dad laugh and he makes some sort of innuendo that james pretends he didn’t hear.
when he comes back he finds laney talking to one of the little ones, looking at the toy she’d gotten for christmas, and laney trying to help open it from it’s intense packaging. he smiles, leaning against one of the walls and just taking in how good she looks in the picture. she looks like she’s meant to be here.
“hey, man, we’re heading out.” don says, clasping a hand onto his partner, ken’s back. “we’re having a thing in a couple weeks, you two should come.”
“what’s a thing?” james says carefully, eyeing the both of them. don is only a couple years older than james, but ken and don have been together since they met in college. ken’s family isn’t too keen on the relationship, so he comes to most family gatherings.
“well i’d say it’s a fancy party but i’m sure it’s got nothing on your fancy parties.” ken lets out a sigh. “oh how i would dream to party with decaprio.”
“i never—-”
“don’t say it, james. in my mind you partied with him and i want to keep it that way.”
james purses his lips and nods. “so i don’t need to break out my tux kind of fancy.”
“no.” don shakes his head. “you look like a fine dining party no matter where you’re going to i’m not worried about you. there’s just going to be some food and drinks— we’ll make sure we’ve got stuff for you guys, we found some really great soda when we traveled out to the midwest, so we like… bought cases of them and took it back.”
“what are we celebrating?” james raises an eyebrow.
the two look at each other and press their lips together. james squints but it only takes a few moments before his eyes widen. “oh shit—!”
“shh, keep your fucking mouth shut.” don steps forward. “we didn’t want to make christmas about us, so we’re telling everyone later.”
“why didn’t you tell me, you assholes.” james hits don in the chest.
“he literally popped the question two days ago, i knew you were going to be neck deep in this, i thought i’d say it now. we’re going to have everyone over later.”
ken pokes out a finger. “if you tell darlene i’ll personally come here and kill you.”
james’ mouth hangs open. “you want me to not tell my own mother?”
“not your secret to tell.” don shakes his head.
james visibly pouts and stomps his foot a little. “fine. but i’m telling laney.”
“well she’s invited too, so i hope you would. it’d be a very big surprise to come to find out she’s going to an engagement party.”
james sighs, his lips curling into a smile. he pulls the two of them into a hug, holding them tightly. “i’m so happy for you guys. i love weddings so much.” he whispers.
they hug him back and ken lets out a laugh. “good, we’re getting married just for you.”
“i know.” he says muffled. he pulls away, patting their shoulders. “well i’ll let you tow go. you probably have lots of planning to do. if you need to borrow anything i… really went out for decorations and i’m happy to share.”
“well keep it in mind, thanks. take care, man.” they part their ways and james shuts the door behind them. susan and morris and their kids are the only ones left at that point. laney sits on the floor with kara as they play with her new toy. he strolls back in, sitting on the couch to watch them all wind down.
“jesus christ— fuck!” laney calls out from the kitchen and james stops the vaccum in the livingroom, resting it beside the garbage bags of wrapping paper and toy packaging. he runs into the kitchen, looking and laney staring at her top. “i got ham juice on it!” she pouts.
“take it off now, we’ll get it soaking.” he holds out his hand. she stares at him for a moment, blinking at the request. “time is of the essence, laney, the faster we get it soaking the quicker it comes out. take one of my shirts in the room.” she stares at him for another few moments. he sighs, putting his hand over his eyes. “there.” he feels ehr shirt rest in his hand and her footsteps lead to the bedroom, where the door clicks shut and he moves to his laundry closet where he grabs the stain remover and moves to the bathroom, turning on the water and filling the sink so he can pour the stain remover on the shirt and let it soak, hopefully taking care of it.
“are you alright, though, laney?” he comes out of the bathroom, knocking on the door.
“yeah i’m okay.” she says.
he presses his hand to the doorknob, and he feels out the silence. “may i come in?”
“uhm…” she pauses. “yeah, sure.”
he twists the knob and enters the bedroom, seeing her standing there, one of his white tees hanging off of her frame. she’s holding something in her hands, looking down at a frame. he comes to stand beside her, looking at the picture. “ah, for graduation, all brady wanted was to go to disney land. i don’t know why, but he was really excited about it.” next to him stands brady, with the classic mickey mouse hat, and balloon. the eighteen year old beams, and james stands next to him with some sweet treat and a dimply smile. his parents hold them tightly, beaming with the kind of proud parent glow. “he had such a good time. i think he just wanted to be a kid for a day before he had to go off and be an adult for the rest of his life.” he smiles faintly. “he really committed to that. somewhere i have a picture of him with goofy and donald.”
laney laughs, and then it fades off. “i would have loved to meet him.”
“he would have loved to meet you, too. he probably would have swept you off your feet and you would have left me for him.” he laughs. “he was much more charming than me.”
“not possible.” laney shakes her head.
“oh, it’s very possible. he was so cool. like the coolest guy in school. like he was charming and flirty and had just a pinch of asshole that made him exciting like brady was the guy.” james takes the picture from her hands to look at it. “he was a fun person, and a really good brother.” he presses his lips to the side. he feels laney’s hand reach up to his shoulder, her face pressing into his arm.
“he’s be proud of you.” she says.
“i know.” james nods. he would have disappointed brady, too. but he knows where he stands now, brady would be proud. he sets the picture down, turning to face laney. “i means a lot to me that you came today. i know christmas isn’t at all your thing.”
“i had a really good time.” she grins. “it means a lot you wanted me here.”
“of course i did.” he reaches up, brushing away her hair.
“i should finish the dishes, huh.” she says. “i tried to pick a shirt that mattered the least, i hope this one is okay, in case i get more ham juice on it.”
“well i would say it doesn’t matter, but it looks so good on you it just might.” he smirks, reaching to tug at the hem of the fabric. “you should wear my stuff more.”
she hums, pulling away from his grasp to leave the room, going back into the kitchen. he watches her move, feeling the confidence in her wake and he knows it’s going to be a tough night.
cleaning was a breeze. they put on some music and both their voices filled the apartment as they sung along. finally james joined her in the kitchen where he put dishes away and she started a second load into the dishwasher. it was nice, simple. he put his hands on her waist whenever he moved past her. then there was the one moment where one his older song came on and he took laney by the waist, swaying her around to the music, holding her hand tight and dipping her back and feeding off of her giggles.
he was back to radiating. standing there in the kitchen alongside her as their hands got clammy from washing all the dishes, their mouths hurting from laughing and smiling so much. the apartment was back to being clean and he offered if she wanted to watch a movie, eating the rest of the leftover dessert. she agreed, so he got himself changed out of his christmas clothes and into something comfier, taking the paper plates into the living room, putting on some garbage christmas movie on netflix. sitting down beside her, he sets the plate in her lap and it’s not long before her body leans into his.
“this movies sucks.” she says after about twenty minutes.
“took you that long to notice, huh?” he’s setting their paper plates on the coffee table, pulling his feet back.
“i’m not very entertained.” she says.
“me either.” his fingers reach forward to rub the back of her neck, feeling over the chain.
“james,” laney starts.
“yes, laney?” he smirks, looking at her. she’s got her eyes forward on the screen. he can feel her a bit tense under his touch, but he waits.
“waiting is dumb.” she says.
“i agree.” he reaches to cup the back of her neck and in unison, their heads turn completely and she’s grabbing fists of his shirt, their mouths finally meeting. it’s open and hot and needy. she’s warm, he lips are soft and full and he doesn’t stop. he’s not going to pull away. he keeps kissing her. keeps kissing her until she feels her tongue tease against his and he’s getting up from the couch so he can crawl over her.
everything. all of it. it’s been a year of so much back and forth and all this teasing and standing on the edge and lustful dreams and romantic fantasies and all of it comes down to this. he’s pushing her back against the couch, reaching behind her to free her hair from the tie, letting it spill around her as he kissing her more. he’s biting her lip, holding her tightly, letting his hand run over every part of her. he feels her breast over her shirt and the moan he earns only has him kissing her more. he’s kissing her deeper, faster, more urgently. it’s an overwhelming feeling of wanting everything all at once, and so much of it.
she’s got her fingers tangled in his hair and nothing’s felt better than when she whispers his name, half out of breath. he sees her with her eyes half open and her cheeks flushed, lips puffy. he keeps going back for more. their kisses keep meeting halfway and they’re both desperate for it. clawing at each other to get closer, for more intimacy. he’s reaching under her shirt to feel her shirt, feeling her tones stomach, feeling the underwire of her bra. before he can make any moves, she’s tugging and he leans back to pull away at his shirt, his skin and all his tattoos exposed her in a different context. he stays there for a moment, looking down at her, out of breath, hair in a halo around her glowing face. her shirt tugged at and disheveled. but she’s smiling. her finger tips reaching up to his stomach. “you’re so beautiful.” she says softly, less as a discovery but the way you say about your favorite art piece.
he sighs, leaning back down to take her face in his hands and kiss her again. her back arches, pressing into his. he’s already half hard, and wonders if she can feel it through her jeans. “laney,” he purrs. his hands move to push her shirt over her chest, until she leans up a bit to throw it off completely. her skin is so smooth and delicate and he watches her chest raise and fall quickly. he lowers himself, pressing kisses to her neck, biting gently in places. her fingers go back to his hair, pulling just a bit the moment he sinks his teeth into her skin. but then he’s further down and reaches her breasts, where he kisses and nips along the hem of her bra. she huffs, feeling his hand reach up to feel her other breast. she’s leaning up again, reaching behind her to undo the clasp and shrug off the material. he thought he was hasty to touch her, but she was just as hasty to feel him.
his lips, his tongue, his teeth. every bit of him feels her. he listened to her sounds and reactions and did what she likes, and avoided what she didn’t. he melted the way she said his name through her moans. she begged for more. he wanted nothing more than to give it to her. he slides further down his hands running over high thighs, still covered by her pants. his eyes look up at laney, and she’s still breathing thick, her fingers brushing back his curls and she nods. without another thought, he’s unbuttoning her jeans and pulling them away from her feet, throwing them on the ground and kissing his way up her thighs, nipping at the soft skin inside and listening to her whimper and beg. he can feel her heat, and how wet she is through her panties. he wishes he could keep teasing for longer; drag it out over the rest of the night, but james wanted to know what she sounded like when he makes her cum.
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Existential Purpose: C1/?
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Summary: A pruned Loki wakes up on Earth - our earth, the one outside of Marvel.
Pairings: Loki x ofc
A/N: a story with lots of dialogue, general chaos, and our favorite god being a heathen among us
word count: 1500
One single crack of thunder rings. It is loud, but there isn’t a cloud in the sky. She pulls one earbud out of her ear and glances around - everyone walks. A couple laughs into each other, a man walks with his head in his phone, another speeds by on a bike. A dog stops and barks. Someone besides the dog had to notice the sound. Was it part of the song? The dog barks again, their owner tugging on their harness. She follows the dog’s eyes.
There appears a man by the railing of the bridge. Was he there a second ago? He’s slender, with jet black hair. Familiar even. Tall too --he collapses to his knees, resting for a brief moment. Then his face hits the concrete.
Her eyes dart towards him then scan the bridge. The dog barks in the distance, a kid takes three steps past the man on the ground, eyes buried in their phone. Nobody stops to help.
The man remains face down on the concrete. She hesitates, turning over her earbud in her fingers. She sighs, and jogs to him.
"Hey are you okay?" she says, standing over him. He doesn’t move.
She kneels down next to him, hands hovering over his shoulder. They move closer, trembling a bit. Nerves rush through her stomach, pulsing like twisted butterflies. Deep breath. She grabs onto his shirt and tugs him to his side. His eyes dart open. They’re piercing green and panicked. She knows them.
"Oh my God, You're, you're - holy shit!" Her hands drop off of him, shock visible on her face. Breathe. In and out.
"Do I know you? Where am I?" he asks, voice strained and exhausted. He pushes himself up to his knees. His expression softens, eyes scanning her face, scanning the bridge.
She breathes back her adrenaline and extends a hand.
"Are you okay?" she asks, and helps him to his feet. He’s heavy, she pulls hard to balance him. He’s very tall, 6’ 4” at least. Distressed black hair frames his face. His skin is pale, eyes wary. He is slender, but looks strong, wearing a tie and collared shirt tucked into tightly tailored pants. My god, if he didn’t look completely beautiful in person. Tired, but beautiful.
"Yes. Yes, I'm fine,” he breaths, hands retreating to his knees as he steadies himself. He closes his eyes, then stands, hands laced behind his head.
Another pair walks by, teens maybe. One looks up from their phone and their mouth drops. They hit their friend's shoulder.
She looks back at him, he’s staring at her. His eyebrows burrow together, his eyes wet and tired. Out of the corner of her eye she sees another dog walker, pretending to kneel and fix their dog, with their phone out. She whispers, "We need to get you out of here."
The teens talk in hushed tones nearby. They had stopped walking, huddled together across the walkway. They take a selfie. The dogwalker, still kneeling by their pup, takes one as well. A young woman walking by notices them. The woman’s eyes go wide as she whips out her phone.
"Why? Am I in danger?" he asks, a bit too loud. His eyes scan the bridge. She can see him begin to recognize what she already did. The nerves kick up again, her cheeks a bit hot.
"Well, not really. But you're gonna draw a crowd like this."
The teens squeal in the distance. Three more selfies. They’re in the background of them all. A couple passes. The girlfriend pivots hard and pulls her boyfriend to the railing of the bride. Hiding behind his shoulder, the girlfriend points and whispers.
He tilts his head, a strand of black hair falling in front of his eyes. "Last time I was on Midgard I wasn't noticed like this."
She pauses, wrapping her brain around his words. She continues, exasperated, "Midgard, what kind of method acting shit is this?"
"Acting, what are you - where I am? Am I dead?" he says, each word growing louder. The strand of hair moves as he speaks. It looks so real. It can't be real.
"What? No. You're looking at me, is this a prank?"
"This looks like Midgard but that looks like a tiny New York. And it's just, I feel different here. Where am I?" he asks, pointing at the skyline behind them. His hair flows with the point of his finger.
"Minneapolis?"
"And where is that?"
“Minnesota?”
He raises an eyebrow.
"Midwest?"
It stays raised.
"United States?"
It raises higher.
"Earth, the planet is earth. What the fuck, why are you like this? Tom, this isn't funny."
His head flips back in shock, hair falling off his face. "Who the hell is Tom?"
"You. You're Tom, or an insanely good impersonator."
"I'm Loki, of Asgard," he proclaims, bringing one hand to his chest while the other rests on his hip. His hair looks too perfect, too real. She had to--
"That's a really good wig." His mouth drops into a frown, eyes horrified. It’s all impulse - her hand bolts for his jet black hair and tugs. It all stays steady.
"Ow, that's not a wig-" he yelps, backing away. She moves towards him, hand extended. Her fingertips brush it again, feel the oil. He swats her hand away pointing as he speaks.
"You will not touch my hair!"
It’s a command, sure, and a menacing tone to it at that, but she couldn’t hide her awe.
"No its just impressive, you look so real. Like exactly like I'd expect Loki to look but also, I don't know."
"What is there some other Loki variant in this realm? Does he rule here? Is that why everyone is staring?" His voice raises with his last words, laced with a hint of anger, addressing the small crowd forming.
Scattered pairs and individuals all stalled in their tracks. None approached them. Instead it was like they were all trying to go unnoticed, trying to observe without intruding. Trying to not be rude. It was so passive. So uncomfortable. So midwest.
"Variant? Tom, I -"
He glares.
"I'm sorry, uh, Loki, I think we should talk about this somewhere private."
"What, so you can kill me? Is this another time cell? Are you with the TVA?"
Some in the crowd stared. Some took pictures. A few were recording, phones angled oddly, obviously pretending to text. The ones that kept walking did so slowly, as if they didn’t need to partake in the scene, as if they couldn’t trust their eyes but had to see.
"No, it's just -how do I put this? You're famous here. "
"For the battle of New York?"
"No, well yes I guess you could say that’s a part of it. No, you're more of a celebrity."
A young girl stares at them, maybe twenty feet away. Her shirt is black, her grin wide, as wide as the face on her shirt. Her Loki shirt.
"I'm famous?"
She nods.
"Admired?"
She nods again.
His lips twist into a smirk. Someone in the crowd snaps a picture, with flash. Loki lifts a hand off his hip and waves.
She rolls her eyes. "We're going to cause a scene. Are you here with anyone?"
"No, I don't think so."
"When did you get here?"
"Just now, I landed over there."
"Landed? What?" She stops. She remembers the thunder, the way he collapsed like he was only visible to her. The way time stopped, the way nobody moved to help but now everyone stopped to stare. He looks so real. His hair looks so real. He looks so alive, but so tired. His hair is distressed. His hair. She hesitates, "Can I pull your hair one more time?"
"What does that have to do with anything-"
"Just, please? I need to make a call here, I need to know."
He contemplates it, chin in hand. "Okay sure. Do it, pull my hair."
She reaches out, slowly at first. She grabs a fist full of hair. It’s greasy. She tugs.
"Not that hard!"
She laughs. It’s so firmly rooted. "So it's really your hair?"
"Yes, yes it's my hair. Tell me why -"
She sees it, right then - "Tom - Loki - look."
She grabs his shoulders and spins him, pointing it out. It’s a bus, a bus with Loki’s face, eyes stooped, smile mischievous, and collar on his neck above the TVA logo on his jumpsuit. The lettering reads Loki season finale, Wednesday. Loki frowns.
"Is that, me? But how? The collar, is this some sick joke?"
"I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I live around the block from here. Why don't you come with me, we can talk about this."
He eyes her up and down.
"What, do you think I'm a threat?"
"Well you do look a little terrifying. Weak, human, but feisty."
What a condescending asshole. God of Mischief indeed. "Well I'm going to walk home. You can follow me or stay, I don't really care what you do. If you do stay, conjure yourself up a hat and put it on the ground. You could probably get tips, it's a good impersonation."
A/N: There's more coming but anywhere you want to see them go I'll take them. Future chapters may be longer idk. And the pic is the best I could find for the bus ads I know I've seen.
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10-26-19 (Saturday)
Was thinking about early childhood. Like 4 and under. A lot. We used to live in a rental house on Eichel. In Jimtown.
I was thinking about it and I realize that I was so clueless. And helpless. But I don't think my mother had yet realized how she could use me. Or maybe she didn't have the desire yet. Idk. Maybe she got bored once she didn't have random neighbors to fight. Which, btw she did almost fight someone while she was pregnant with me. Apparently my dad held her back and the other woman just went back to her house. But my mom was nearly ready to birth me and she was trying to fight a bitch? Jesus christ. She must have had some intense rage issues if she could be several months pregnant and the first thought is "I should risk everything because someone made me angry." Then again, she never wanted me.
I have to wonder what people thought about her. She hadn't learned to hide that behavior when not at work yet. She just went apeshit. Did they think she was a violent danger? Did any of them feel sorry for me? I wouldn't mind either way but... I just wonder what was seen from the outside. Did she have them all fooled? Or did some red flags get noticed? She seemed really good at convincing most mental health professionals. But I think a couple caught on tbh. Julie Kahre used to (I have no clue if she still does) work at Evansville Psychiatric. She was apparently in high school with my mom at the same time but supposedly different grades and different friend groups. My mom was more in the fringe of the punk scene and apparently knew a LOT of people who were among the first in Evansville to get completely and totally fucked over by meth and heroin. Anyway... I think Julie saw that she wasn't actually beimg a good mom and she tried subtler ways of helping me see but it never really stuck. And one day she just told us both that my mom wasn't doing things right (translate that into therapy talk, I'm half asleep rn) and essentially told her she was rhe problem and my mom grabbed my wrist and drug me outside and into the car.
My mom hadn't liked her being my therapist. We laughed and joked a lot was her reasoning but apparently my mom thought that wasn't important to be doing. Idk. I think maybe Julie knew something about her and she was afraid of it being revealed. Idk. But I felt good going in there. I felt okay with her as a therapist. Like she was functional for me. Which was rare. And then my mom started undermining everything. Telling me that she thought I was getting worse. And idek if I was or not but if I was, it wasn't Julie's fault.
But anyway, we never went back there after that. And while I had been there, I'd had to see her psychiatrist, Dr. Kaplan (now at Midwest behavioral health next to cross pointe). And that man did not understand a goddamn thing about me. And like at one point even he admitted that he felt it unprofessional of him to take us both on as patients and tried to get her tonlet me see some other Psychiatrist and I was all for it. But she knew she could manipulate him and was like "No, I'll jusy go see someone else, it's fine." And like... I literally begged her to let me see anyone else except Dr. Kaplan or Paul Mefford (knew him through TSA, never liked him. Actively disliked the man. Still do. And besides, It would be a conflict of interest since we were both on the board) and she basically told me no, this was what we were doing. End of story.
Idk. I don't think there was much I could do to change anything before I did. I lacked the confidence that Jessi had given me to break out of there. Take that leap. I tried once with living with Rachel and failed but Rachel was toxic. And she failed to understand the level of support one must provide to someone fresh out of an abusive situation (they all believed I should have a job and be out of their house within two weeks. I was applying everywhere. No one wanted to hire me. I was awkward and needed direction and I had never worked before. And even with a job 2 weeks is entirely unreasonable to save up money for an apartment, sign the lease, and move out). And she believes mental illness is fake anyway. So there was no getting help from her.
Jessi provided emotional support. However fleeting it may have been, she at least gave it effort. Maybe not the level I needed but to be fair, she was in the middle of crisis after crisis. Regardless, she boosted my confidence enough to get my ass in gear. And I finally was able to find some footing, rocky as it may have been. And then I met Sara. And everything accelerated much more quickly at that point. Sara devoted so much time and energy to me. Sometimes I think she may as well have been working two jobs I took up that much of her time. But she kept at it. She pushed me up off the ground and propelled me forward whenever I gave up. She encouraged me when Inwas too scared to move forward. She really put me on the path I'm walking now. She motivated me in a way no one else could. She's good at that, from what I've heard. She was good at that with me. Idk. She's just... She is really good at knowing when to listen, when to talk, when to offer comfort. When to soften her voice, when to joke and laugh with me. She could read me like a book. She saw through me. It was like having your mind read. She just got me on a very basic level. Like some will understand the various aspects of who I am. But Sara really understood who I am at my core. It felt like she was looking into my very soul. It was wild. But I trusted her to be careful with that knowledge. And she never disappointed. Sure, she made mistakes. But idk. They were honest mistakes. And everyone makes those. I just have never felt as understood by someone as I have by her. I still miss it. I think... I'll always miss her. And it hurts still. But... I am happy for her. I just am still scrambling to figure out how to fill the void she's left in my life. It's like a piece of me is just gone. She was... My support. She was half of my support system. I saw her more than anyone unless you count Yoshi. And even then... Some days... It was... Nice... To just be in her office sometimes. To just be near her. Safe. Protected. She was my refuge. She literally and figuratively saved my life.
I know everyone is sick of hearing me talk about her. But goddammit she was important to me. And that hasn't gone away just because she doesn't work at ECHO anymore. Idk. She was my friend. And that's what she'll always be. Even if she's not my friend I see all the time anymore.
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