#so who knows when ill see her again
Text
i like him
#somebody needs to keep me 8 metres away at all times or else ill start chewing on him#i just want everyone to know if i end up making a character who happens to resemble harvey in any shape or form#it probably wasnt a coincidence 😐and it will happen again#if i remember maybe ill try getting stardew when it goes on sale.. my friend showed me her farm and she named her chicken after doja cat#or maybe it was nikki minaj i cant remember. and she also said smth about monsters and passing out if you stay out after a certain hour#idk how accurate tht is all i know is the funny fucked up grandpas bed#i read somewhere that harveys supposed to be in his early to mid thirties and i dont have a problem with it but i think itd be very funny#if hes actually younger than he looks hes just a med school postgrad lmao. idk how well that headcanon would hold up since ive#never played the game and idk how often ppl talk about his age or if itsjust an implied thing. i just think its really really funny#im trying to get into the habit of drawing poses so im using reference images to try and build up muscle memory#i found some cute pictures of two ppl playing by the sea shore and it reminded me of xin and sailor so im gonna draw em like that#i havent drawn em in so long..... maybe i should update xins reference since i changed their lore quite a bit#myart#my art#doodles#stardew valley#stardew#sdv#sdv harvey#kinda wanna see him whimper a little bit. as a treat
366 notes
·
View notes
Text
i fucking hate the way my parents talk about people with personality disorders i need to hit them over head with a blunt object that is preferably heavy enough to cause some damage but is light enough i can swing it fast so i can get a bunch of hits in without a big enough window of time for them to escape
#ableism#<- for blacklist#FUCK YOUUU PEOPLE WITH BPD AND NPD ARE MY FRIENDS. MY SIBLINGS. MY BUDDIES!!!!#unironically people with personality disorders are the most nice accepting people ive ever met#okay for context my mom was talking about this woman who kicked her kid out the second he turned 18 (obviously bad not doubting that)#and my stepdad started going on a rant about how people like this should never have a child again and be forced to see a psychologist#specialized in bpd and npd specifically and never be allowed to have children until the psychologist says so#and like god the way they talk about mentally ill people in general. always talking about adhd like a cutesy silly thing and always#either infantilising or demonizing autism (something they KNOW i have) and talking about people who experience psychosis with disgust#and treating even just insecure people (not even with a specific disorder) as annoying and deserving of all mistreatment#and armchair diagnosing people with mental disorders to demonize them when they dont actually know shit.#god i am. so tired
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
feeling like im being driven to my execution (its a drs appointment)
#p#also thats a little dramatic but i do hate them so much#i was feelin like well ill be uncomfortable n miserable but its not the end of the world#buuuut then i remembered (TMI AHEAD U HAVE BEEN WARNED)#that last month ish when i was here for an actual concern (n agreed to this physical bleh)#i was told im overdue for another pap smear n like they cant force me into it ofc but i know its smart to do it#cuz i already have lots of anxieties abt what if i secretly have some disease or condition n im gonna die blah blah blahh#but last time it was so awful n i was like crying thru it cuz of the pain which. isnt normal#googling it afterwards i found ppl saying stuff like 'it might be weird n uncomfortable but not too bad'#so i was like well ok thats just me then i guess :/#n anyway i def think i have that condition called w/e cuz ive never been able to do any kind of like. anything in there#not like day to day its a huge deal but for this its not too fortunate :/#so long story short i remembered ill have to decide if ill let them do it again at this appt#n i was reading abt the process again n then uh oh crying -_-#omw now n idk what ill do tbh. def wanna say no but also idk i shld be responsible or smth#dies instead.#n anyway even if its just the super basic physical theyre gonna do ill still wanna become an incorporeal entity thing#hate it hereeeee (body)#its a PA im seeing who i remember being nice some other time i saw her so theres that at least#theyre gonna wanna weigh me tho i forgot that too jeez#i said no last time but idk. kms
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
last post ended up deleting my tags so im continuing them here
#but.#even after all the time i had aparti still went back at 16#i traveled across the country just to see her again#and it fucking sucked#she ripped that wound right back open#which . felt so weird because she WANTED me to come#she made all the plans#honestly the train trip there was nice#i got to experience a lot of cool things#but the second i got there. it was . one of the worst times of my life#just nonstop#and now ive finally been away for awhile again#but i still miss her#& i dont know why#but it also doesnt help the only gf i have ever had did the same type of thing LMAO//.... i .. i just cannot win#maybe it's just my roll#say all these nice things n then immediately flip#she would make me hang out w her friends n talk me up n then. cheat on me with them with me there#& then get upset when i cried or tried to break up w her LMAO...#like. she wasnt poly or anything she was actually against it#but the worst part is how openly & loudly she'd love me right before it. so now i never know who is telling the truth. i never feel safe#but anyway. again. i stayed#over n over again id try to break up w her but then i loved her & so when she got upset n threaten to kms id flip n stay#n she'd do it again#until eventually she broke up w me n left me so fuckd up im not gonna lie JHVAJH#she still tried to stay friends after that n i tried#but then i started sobbing mid card game & it was very embarrassing top 10 worst things i have done#but i just. all i want is to be a good person. i want to be someone good & loving but i feel like im such a jealous monster#even if i dont let myself show it n try to ignore it bc i dont want to hurt anyone or be this awful it;s still here. just. permeating.#what if i feel too much what if ill never know when someone is genuine what if im just an evil obsessive freak n everyone i love hates me
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
serin posting mika had me overwhelmed with the urge to make a separate gbf multi for an hour. the things mika does to me
#stardust speaking !#imagine putting one of the greatest characters in the game behind 112chs of main story (this is about both mika & shitori)#I WAS gonna make a lil blog for rein when i eventually pick her up but. mayhaps ill move all my other gbf muses there.............#lots of them have major spoilers anyway LOLT_T#anyway i wanna find a meme to rb on akira but i hateee looking for memes i cannot stress this enough <-says this everytime#mayhaps ill rb it here too. for funsies. i havent opened up to interactions in a long while after all#gonna start writing more again too yahoo cuz who knows when theyll give the main story update and once they do itll be Over For Me#ALSO KOLULU AND MANAMEL EVENTTT???? HEELLOOOOOO is this um. separate from uh. the ending. of uh. last time.<3?!?! or is it. rly. um.......#we'll see when it happens anyway i loooveeee manamel & kolulu im so excited#I ACTUALLY MIGHT GIVE UP ON THE MEME STUFF IM STARING AND I DONT LIKE THESE FOR MY CHARAS maybe ill just look at the same#two ive rbd before
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
where is my lockwood & co. crossover with bridgerton in which lockwood & co. somehow time travel to the regency period and now have to deal with the time era’s bullshit whilst also figure out how The Problem is a thing in the early 1800’s when it hadn’t even existed… this is exactly what george wants to investigate. they get dragged to a time where The Problem was active and yet it has never been documented. meanwhile, locklyle were just getting their footing and being semi-more-flirty each other and now they can’t interact in private without a goddamn chaperone. do you think that stops either one of them— fuck no. but it creates so many fun situations. and in total, the trio goes out nightly more or less every time there’s ghost activity.
#i like to think that it took a while for children to develop the seeing ghosts thing#like some of the kids right now in the regency era can see weird stuff or hear weird stuff but are basically told from a young age#to not ‘act out’ or ‘talk like a loony’ etc#and so they had to kind of push it down#till later in the decades talent just increased more until it was just there especially when the problem came a knockin’#eloise goes insane over lucy. like not only does she look vv similar to her litle sister but she’s COOL#and yes there will be a subtle implied subject that lucy is decended from a bridgerton- most likely franny- but its never like a big thing#its mainly ‘oh fuck one of these arseholes is my ancestor and if they die i may cease to exist. oh well.’#and then its lockwood ‘OH FUCK ONE OF THESE ARSEHOLES IS LUCE’S ANCESTORS AND IF THEY DIE SHE MAY CEASE TO EXIST’#so thats why he takes a bigger interest in protecting them more or less; but it’s never gonna be like a HUGE thing its just a thing#who would george get along with#i havent seen bridgerton in a minute#i would write it but i have zero knowledge about regency era stuff#like ill write lockwood & co. in my sleep but i got no clue how the regency era scandal™️ works#do i have to rewatch bridgerton again; im just gonna skip to the s*x scenes we both know this#and the lady danbury scenes too#like thats all i’d end up rewatching#lockwood and lucy#lockwood and co#anthony lockwood#lucy carlyle#george karim#lockwood & co x bridgerton#hyacinth and george can see ghosts totes but the rest of the bridgertons as well as older teens have pushed the talent down#theyre sensitives and thats it#is that how it works#im making it up as i go#should i make a whole new type 4 that can time travel. is that allowed? can anyone stop me?#should lockwood meet kipps’ ancestor and start the rivalry from decades earlier bc he’s THAT petty
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
im still on my fuckshit but when i think of cc maria ( by extension also nosy maria but specifically noting the isolation aspect of cc );
can you imagine one day skimming the paper. its been a few weeks since all the commotion knowing your friends' had attempted to come find you but then were chased off. never actually heard or saw any of them, but you know they were around.
but you've been moved from the cells to a mattress upstairs. you're given more freedom, more wiggle room, you're allowed to do things - little hobby-type activities - you're given better foods, you're looked after by the older woman at the other house. the man who took you, who terrifies you still to some degree, slowly doesn't feel like such a stranger anymore, you're right to still be cautious around him but as the days, the weeks, pass by, there's simply a different air about him, and in the shack. lighter, in a sense.
you find yourself growing used to the new daily - the new routine. of waking to the sound of him getting ready for the day, of being left alone in there for hours sometimes, others trailing after him like a duckling, around the older womans' property, helping with an array of tasks. and you worry about upsetting her at first, unsure if doing so will earn a knife to the throat. you listen, you do as you're told, you find some kind of way to co-exist - all the while still, in the back of your mind, there's still a ray of hope,
that maybe, maybe, since the rest of them got away - that they're merely licking their wounds, that they'll get word out and even with all the silence since they had been on the property, there's that shred of hope that maybe? someone will waltz in, guns blazing so to speak, and you'll get out of this hell finally.
that is, until that day - that you're skimming through the paper, and you recognize yourself in a little column - and you realize you're staring at your own fucking obituary.
and in that moment everything seems solidified.
you're never getting away.
there's no point in it.
there's no one out there who are still trying to find you, get you back, bring you home, back to your mothers' arms, back to being an older sister, back to the circle of friends you loved so dearly.
you're dead.
not just to the world, but to those you loved - those who claimed to have loved you, too.
what else do you have at that point? where else do you go, even if you still tried to leave? who wouldn't look at you sideways for the blood that's already stained your hands? for the flesh caught between teeth?
who else is there, except the one murmuring encouragement and praise in your ear?
the only constant you've had in all these weeks? whose words rang true - clearly - that no one cared? that they abandoned you? left you there, didn't even care to make sure you were alive or not? only thought of themselves and got the fuck outta there without confirming if you were even still alive.
#[ ♡ ] ── * maria f. / 𝘭𝘰𝘳𝘦.#[ 𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘦. ] ── * queue.#[ 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘦. ] ── * cold case.#[ 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘦. ] ── * no one saved you.#for cc maria its just. theres literally no one else. the only constant has been johnny. hes the one who was there with her when the#broadcasts sounded off her searches being called off. the only one who ensured she ate - was clothed - was looked after when she fell ill.#who she could talk to. who in spite of all her escape attempts & all her attempts at trying to kill him kept her around - taught her how to#do things properly - protected her from others that'd be brought down below shack. honestly. her isolation in cc - only having any sort of#connection being with johnny for *months* before he trusted her enough to let her join him for longer periods - like its. complicated.#SO fucking complicated. youre seen as dead to literally everyone else in existence - *except for him*. he who sees you. who hears you.#who talks to you. looks after you. its hard not to find yourself becoming attached/devoted. to the only person who knows you still exist#like i mentioned for nosy its. theres lee there too now so its. a little different. it doesnt hit right away - the almost blind devotion.#but it still happens - over time - with the both of them. the last two people who for a time at least know you were even still living.#and its by the time ch2 rolls in for either cc/nosy its just. its so confusing to her. why they all bother returning then?#for cc its just. you all buried me in an empty box twenty years ago...you all moved on then. you accepted that. so why are you here now.#why are you re-opening wounds that shouldve been long buried - with that empty casket. why suddenly care now?#in nosy she suppresses it w. her bitterness but cc i feel it comes out more like... grief & hurt. all over again. because if you came back#20 yrs after the fact? then why DIDNT you return back then? why *now* and not then? at any point in the last two decades?
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Hate when bitches at this store try to tell me "Ummm I need you to start the audit already, we're supposed to leave by 11" like damn that's crazy maybe if you left me a better store or did anything to help me out I wouldn't be starting so late after picking up all your bullshit
#literally the first thing i did was walk the entire store to see what all still needed doing and then i told the manager who still had#Several clerks on the clock 'hey the womens bathroom needs to be hit and all the counters need to be wiped down' and she went 'okay!'#then of course. wouldnt you know. when i get back in from my lot sweep (basically picking up excess trash or emptying trash cans#that got full after they took out trash earlier) (of which there were a Lot tonight. very unusual when most nights i can get by#without changing any of them)#none of the things i told her about had been done <3 And the kitchen was a fucking disaster#'you got clerks for that you coulda made them clean it' 'no ill do that later they did a lot today' okay sweetie whatever you say#they always wanna leave Me a shitty store to come into and then get an attitude when they have to stay late because again#I am spending more time fixing things that they should have taken care of already before i got there#wasting Both our time on clerk tasks just to get the store down to manageable levels of filth before i do the audit#and then you wanna complain like its My fault? whores#only One of the managers here ever leaves me a decent store (not Perfect but its still a huge improvement over other days)#and no matter how many times i give the same feedback to every manager i relieve or who relieves me in the morning#shit does not get better#i love it!!!!!!#meh.#mild vent#i guess#its just me bitching about work so whatever#also? you Told me you were gonna stay an hour late already? why are you fucking complaining about me being 'too slow'#to start the audit. bitch
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
i did not sleep yay for me im still on my fuckshit but when i think of cc maria ( by extension also nosy maria but specifically noting the isolation aspect of cc );
can you imagine one day skimming the paper. its been a few weeks since all the commotion knowing your friends' had attempted to come find you but then were chased off. never actually heard or saw any of them, but you know they were around.
but you've been moved from the cells to a mattress upstairs. you're given more freedom, more wiggle room, you're allowed to do things - little hobby-type activities - you're given better foods, you're looked after by the older woman at the other house. the man who took you, who terrifies you still to some degree, slowly doesn't feel like such a stranger anymore, you're right to still be cautious around him but as the days, the weeks, pass by, there's simply a different air about him, and in the shack. lighter, in a sense.
you find yourself growing used to the new daily - the new routine. of waking to the sound of him getting ready for the day, of being left alone in there for hours sometimes, others trailing after him like a duckling, around the older womans' property, helping with an array of tasks. and you worry about upsetting her at first, unsure if doing so will earn a knife to the throat. you listen, you do as you're told, you find some kind of way to co-exist - all the while still, in the back of your mind, there's still a ray of hope,
that maybe, maybe, since the rest of them got away - that they're merely licking their wounds, that they'll get word out and even with all the silence since they had been on the property, there's that shred of hope that maybe? someone will waltz in, guns blazing so to speak, and you'll get out of this hell finally.
that is, until that day - that you're skimming through the paper, and you recognize yourself in a little column - and you realize you're staring at your own fucking obituary.
and in that moment everything seems solidified.
you're never getting away.
there's no point in it.
there's no one out there who are still trying to find you, get you back, bring you home, back to your mothers' arms, back to being an older sister, back to the circle of friends you loved so dearly.
you're dead.
not just to the world, but to those you loved - those who claimed to have loved you, too.
what else do you have at that point? where else do you go, even if you still tried to leave? who wouldn't look at you sideways for the blood that's already stained your hands? for the flesh caught between teeth?
who else is there, except the one murmuring encouragement and praise in your ear?
the only constant you've had in all these weeks? whose words rang true - clearly - that no one cared? that they abandoned you? left you there, didn't even care to make sure you were alive or not? only thought of themselves and got the fuck outta there without confirming if you were even still alive.
#for cc maria its just. theres literally no one else. the only constant has been johnny. hes the one who was there with her when the#broadcasts sounded off her searches being called off. the only one who ensured she ate - was clothed - was looked after when she fell ill.#who she could talk to. who in spite of all her escape attempts & all her attempts at trying to kill him kept her around - taught her how to#do things properly - protected her from others that'd be brought down below shack. honestly. her isolation in cc - only having any sort of#connection being with johnny for *months* before he trusted her enough to let her join him for longer periods - like its. complicated.#*so* fucking complicated. youre seen as dead to literally everyone else in existence - *except for him*. he who sees you. who hears you.#you speaks with you. looks after you. its hard not to find yourself becoming attached/devoted. to the only person who knows you still exist#like i mentioned for nosy its. theres lee there too now so its. a little different. it doesnt hit right away - the almost blind devotion.#but it still happens - over time - with the both of them. the last two people who for a time at least know you were even still living.#and its by the time ch2 rolls in for either cc/nosy its just. its so confusing to her. why they all bother returning then?#for cc its just. you all buried me in an empty box twenty years ago...you all moved on then. you accepted that. so why are you here now.#why are you re-opening wounds that shouldve been long buried - with that empty casket. why suddenly care now?#in nosy she suppresses it with her bitterness but cc i feel it comes out more like... grief & hurt. all over again. because if you came bac#20 yrs after the fact? then why DIDNT you return back then? why *now* and not then?#[ mf ] ── * 𝐇𝐂 / 𝐋𝐎𝐑𝐄. { maria. }#[ mf ] ── * 𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐄. { cold case. }#[ mf ] ── * 𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐄. { no one saved you. }#[ mf ] ── * 𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐄. { we saved us. }
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
the fucking audacity of watching the pixar short film “going home” while i’m home for my grandma’s funeral.
#like….. yeah#2 weeks ago i did not know id be here rn#i did not know she would take a turn for the worse this fast#im very thankful things worked out to where i could be here#for my wife and her support and i guess my boss and coworkers for their understanding#i have been lucky to not have been here for the very tough times#im thankful to be here with my family now#theyre doing a lot of new housing in my town now#many buildings i walked by as a kid have been demolished and are being rebuilt#we emptied my grandmas room today. she had only lived there for about 3 weeks before passing#we drive by my mom olds house. the house i grew up in. the new owner still hasnt torn down my old curtains in my old room#the old curtains my grandma had sewn for me when i was a baby#my dad is thinking about moving too. too many new buildings too many new people too much noise#two of my cousins have kids now! and the third one is getting married soonish? her fiance seems nice. he seems like he cares about her#my nephew and niece are so big now. i still havent met my other niece#i wonder if any of my old classmates have had kids? if they moved too?#ill be leaving again on tuesday. itll be a looong day#my parents have more and more grey hairs every time i see them#i dont see my brother as much as id like. hes following his dreams and im proud of him. hes a good kid#anyway the guy who made said short film is literally just like me fr#from germany and had been in the us 5 years (at the time) and making this short film?#just like me fr#anyway. this became one of those diaries for me posts haha#it just really captured how it is really well
19 notes
·
View notes
Note
i think will knew he was special considering he tells hannibal he's all alone and that they're alone without each other. will understands that hannibal is alone even with all the other murderers he surrounds himself with, because he cannot find the same fulfillment in the company of others as he does with will because only will can see him and understand him and take away his loneliness.
hi anon ! thanks for sending this bc it's smth i've been meaning to expand on for awhile. i wrote a post many moons ago abt it and have another ask thats just been Waiting for a proper reply (srry!) and maybe now's the time to address it
okay so. i think this ask is in reference to my tags on a recent reblog, screencapped here for reference:
i think youre right that will is aware that he's special to hannibal, considering he's special enough to be one of the patients hannibal decides to try and coerce into their "Becoming." but! i do question will's understanding of the Depth of his uniqueness to hannibal.
in shiizakana (s2e9), after will finds out about randall tier having been hannibal's patient and margot visits him at home to chat abt hannibal's therapy, will has a bit of a stress fit in his next session:
pacing the room, avoiding the chair. he's questioning what he has in common with hannibal's other patients... he wonders how many others there have been – even bringing up his brief conversation with hannibal's own therapist who tells will he isnt in a particularly unique dynamic with hannibal
but. this is in shiizakana, 3 eps before the quote you're referencing. so let's move forward and see what's changed:
in tome-wan (s2e12), will finally gets to properly speak with the famed dr. du maurier and he asks how they can bring down hannibal. her only advice being
so. hannibal's got a bit of an ego (shocker). and during their next session,, things get a lil dicey. will leans hard into this idea. he essentially lists off all the work hannibal's done to get will to be entirely his
i'd like to argue that will doesn't see this list as a "why im special to hannibal" list but rather a way to stroke hannibal's ego, like bedelia had explicitly said would be hannibal's downfall. bc the fact is,, will Knows hannibal can and likely has done this level of insane shit to others. and narratively,, i'd say a lot of will's dialogue in this scene is influenced by bedelia's advice from the scene before where she advises will to stroke hanninal's whimsey and his need to feel Unique, even god-like. and hannibal even sees will seeing him!
so yeah will's saying "we're unique together," but that's also flattery on his part towards hannibal.! he's using hannibal's knowledge of his empathy to convince him that Only Will Gets Him. he's saying "yes ive been applying myself to your perspective and u are so unique and special." it's will manipulating BACK. (thats our powerful lil gay.) and i'd argue that all these layers of lies and deceit leave little room for truth and Feelings to leak through the cracks. how much of what hannibal says does will believe? how much of what will himself says does he believe?
all of this and we're still left questioning: does will know just how important and special he is to hannibal? well. i'l leave yall with some words from bedelia
#hehe. so maybe will doesnt consciously know he's hannibals whole world. but hannibal has begun to acknowledge it#hannibal knows will. will knows hannibal. they. they!#is this even coherent? i'd say mostly#i def could edit more and put more thought into it but. im simply too tired for that#instead ill simply say thank u anon for giving me an excuse to ramble about this#all for me to end up essentially shrugging and being like ''but anyway. who fuckin KNOWS what these guys r thinking am i Right''#they're so many layers deep in manipulations that i doubt they even rlly know what they feel or have the time to unpack that#but i personally dont think will really Really gets the depth of his uniqueness to hannibal until they're burning patient files#or when he sees abigail again#knowing hannibal saved her. for him.#or ultimately when he's bleeding out on the kitchen floor#(and then i have a Whole other ramble about will's back&forth confusion about his worth to hannibal again during s3a#but thats a story for another post. one ive already made but would Love to expand upon)#i just love saying words alright#this fricken SHOW#hannibal.txt#nbc hannibal#mizumono#hannibal s2#hannibal lecter#will graham#hannibal#shiizakana#tome-wan#.txt#.png#maria is literally just rambling. hi#asks#ask#anon
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Fleabag
"People make mistakes... that is why they put a rubbers in the end of pencils"
#personal post#So i kind of forced myself to finish Fleabag season 1. Since the beginning i knew was not something i would see for pleasure#of course was very difficult as 1) i have become sex repulsed once again and 2) she is really fucked up. She needs a terapist#it was a recomendation from them and i knew i just see them in the character facing similar problems and similar way of thinking#the last episode hurts a lot and hurts me more after what happened between us. the decisions they made. the way it ended again#i know they wanted to talk about this. i shame myself once again as i was so late to do so. But yet again. i was right about my fears#about how i saw them reflected in her. how they were taking a similar bad road in life. how they mental illness was going to mess up all#after what happened with him. how they did not said anything. how they just give it all to please him and make a nice memory for him#after how they let him just go full gallop and basically let him use them in the most vulnerable moment so far...#i can only wish they learn. that they realize. that they finally could apply something from the life of another person. even if is fiction#after finishing this season. i can understand and let the anger that i had in me vanished just as fast as it came#but the sadness will remain. the event will remain. the need for me to stay away will remain. i can not help them anymore#it will only hurt me not being able to help. to feel powerless meanwhile i just see them going a downfall. mistake after mistake#i could not bear to see the person i cared the most being that fucked up and not try to help. but i already did that mistake. it finished u#my role as a caregiver is still so mixed within myself. as since my mistakes i would not force nor try anything without them doing it first#so. for them that are indecisive yet impulsive. that are people pleaser even when it hurt them deeply. naive with a gold heart#that want to be friends with all as they feel so lonely. Prisoners of they body and themselfs...#going that softly versus everyone else who is more assertive (even them in a impulsive moment) was not going to work just with words#but i can not do it in another way. i am more sensitive and delicate than one could guess just by looking at me. is not in my nature#forceful? nope. without caution? no. fast? no. i can not hold anger. i can not be unforgiving. Even when i always remember#i can still do damage. just not in a convetional way and is mostly involuntary. i am far from perfect but i am also far from terrible#i am a person who also had done mistakes. But being honest. excepting one i never did something so bad i could not forgive myself eventuall#and i say all this because even with all the pain that is forcing myself to stay away. i just hope they could find a healthy road again...#without the need to make more mistakes or do such things that they may not be able to fix or came back at all...#for them to not regret still being alive. to be happy in a good way without destroying themselfs#i just hope i can be able to see that one day. even if is just from far away and as a total stranger#because i like thing no one else would see and enjoy they beauty in they own unique way#vent post#vent tag#tw vent
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
My God I am so tired of people only talking about mental illness and/or disability in fiction/as a literary theme when they can use it to back up their terrible male faves by saying that they Weren't That Bad, Actually and They Belong To A Marginalized/Unfairly Demonized Group, So You Need To Be On Their Side.
#it's like the 'oh this female character is a lesbian' thing that people do to get her ''''out of the way'''' of a given m/m pairing#in the sense that they put this idea/headcanon/etc. out there and then never actually DO anything with it#there's no meaningful engagement with that idea and it's so often only done in service of the men#and is so clearly not rooted in any kind of actual understanding of what that life experience is or a genuine desire to see it explored or#represented. like I know. I KNOW. that I talk about this ad nauseum I /KNOW/ okay.#but I will never know peace until we can ascribe these headcanons/identities/life experiences to characters in a way that#doesn't just involve defending or propping up the (frequently horrible) widely-considered-attractive fictional man du jour#I will forever be discontent if we keep doing this thing where we only bring up mental illness/disability when a popular fictional man#is mean and unpleasant as a way of ''''explaining'''' that behavior#(don't get me started on the way people ACTUALLY treat male characters who are CANONICALLY mentally ill/disabled and DEFINITELY#don't get me started on how they treat ANY woman in fiction-or irl let's be honest-who even shows POTENTIAL HINTS of being these things)#...sorry I said that once I saw irl people I'd probably have less of an Urge to Complain but I guess I was wrong#In the Vents#mc13 once again gets frustrated with how mental illness/disability is treated in fandom spaces#(and everywhere)#my fucking god remember when people tried to keep saying that [redacted] was a neurodivergent/mentally ill icon truly I lost#at least half my braincells over that#*sigh* I gotta get over these Symptoms™ so that I can finish my River Has O/C/D fic
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
im so CWCcoded
#anyway my apologies for gaslighting you all about not personal diary posting bc my dad just texted me goodnight and it made me sad#him and my mom both tried to call me all day I feel bad when I ignore them#bc I know they’ll be dead someday and they won’t be able to call me and I won’t be able to answer#and my brothers both tried to call me I know my mom narced that I was weird yesterday and now everyones scrambling to keep track of me#it’s very nice of them but I really do hate being reminded that I’m the family member that like#they’ve all quietly agreed is always going to have to be monitored and taken care of#I wouldn’t be surprised if Andy and Alex haven’t talked about who I’m going to going to live by when our parents are both gone#it was kind of funny Andy invited me to like go install a security camera with him today#I said no but I do think it could’ve been a fun experince#I was gonna see my mom but she didn’t want to go out again so I waited around until my dad tried to call me again#so then be brought me with him to a hardware store where he tried (and failed) to return paint or something#we love a schemer#and then we picked up Andy and got milkshakes but I was ill so he got me real food on the way home#but I’m going to have to find a way to throw it out tomorrow bc I didn’t eat that much of it and I don’t want him to be sad about it#and I have to clean my room bc Lydia will be here soon#I was weepy in the car and my dad kept saying it’s nice you’ll get a few days with her before the concert#I know :-(#to some extent I love that he’s so incapable of handling emotional moods bc he just puts on songs and complains about them#bc he knows I like to complain and I think he gets scared when I don’t talk and that’s his attempt at getting me to#I need to finish my costume and make bracelets and clean my room these seem doable#okay bye please don’t unfollow me#also I love the name doxing bc these are for me and me only and maybe burke when he logs on I love you#my posts
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
I literally had a dream about reading the worst fan fiction like fucking ever kiryu was just randomly a yandere and nishiki was trying his best to survive also kiryu turned into a dragon (deez nuts) halfway and let nishiki kill him for being a bad boy but he was so upset about having to kill his bro that he just lay in the corpse for a bit and thats when i decided to stop reading and i literally opened tumblr in my dream to complain about how bad it was like the writing went back and forth from being terrible to incredible and i found myself enjoying some parts and despising others. I skipped the first few chapters so i had to tab back out and read the summary like why are they in a beach resort and the summary didnt just tell me nothing but it was also double spaced between each line and very fucking irritating and while reading it i kept thinking this is extremely ooc and boring like they would not fucking say that
#Listen to my problems#i cant stress enough that i dont even ship them why did i read a sex fic about kiryu and nishikiyamer#like i believe they are the bestest of friends forever and ever and like as hotblooded young men growing up together they must have tried a#few sex moves on each other at least once but i dont think they see each other as romantic prospects. like unlike majima and saejima#(seajima) who are literally together all the time and will never travel anywhere without the other unless its to prison. kiryu and nishiki#have this understanding that eventually theyll have to part ways and find their own path. while they would always remain in each others#hearts and thoughts they knew that they couldnt be holding hands forever and besides they have to focus on getting kazama to the top not#each other !! so nishiki was very happy that kiryu was getting his own family soon even if it meant that kiryu was getting ‘ahead’ of him#and kiryu who can accept consequences for himself but no one else was just like um ... well nishiki please give me the gun and take yumi#your sister needs you or whatever <3 i am definitely expendble and prison life is for me yayy yayyyy i love going to jail so nobody can talk#to me ever again. i keep asking myself how difficult it would have been for kiryu to just pop in by the hospital every now and then to check#in on nishikis sister. its not like he cant take care of her. its not like he doesnt know how to earn money. he just straight up thinks that#nishiki is better than him so he should be the one to get locked up ... because nishiki can take care of yumi and i straigh up forgot his si#sisters name and reina and kazama without him. and nishikis like damn i wish kiryu was here so bad (looks at his wwkd bracelet) hm think ill#go insane. i literally forgot what my original point was but that fic was so bad guys im so glad it doesnt exist#in it kiryu was trying his best to keep nishiki in one place and he kept being very. well kiryu was just kiryu but he kept apologising#saying things like you cant leave yet ... and looking at him with his big sad eyes and nishiki would always be like f-fine ... (he doesnt#like it here) also nishiki was one hell of a princess type and had a nurse costume on at some point which means the yakuza server nishiki#propoganda is working on me. very weird. love the part when kiryu was randomly a big dragon because he utterly filled the hallways of their#little beach shack and his scales were nice and soft and he was lovely. little guy
11 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
sangapperempuanmelayu
Untitled
makikoakiyama710
Makiko Akiyama
truly-wonderstruck
paradise
hero-of-peace-and-justice
Ask anything your heart desires!
