#so idk!!! i'm probably not going to get an appointment until next week. so that's fucking great!!!
Note
hi omg i love your works sm !! each one is so cute and i love your dialogue for the characters 🫶 i've read most of them but i'll be going back to reread and reblog them bcos u deserve the love 🤍
i wanted 2 ask if ur requests were open ? it's okay if they aren't ofc !! but i had this idea earlier about dentist / orthodontist iwaizumi or oikawa ! and i've been looking thru the hq writers that i've reblogged from n u came up ! the idea is pretty broad but i was thinking more of a build up from patient-dentist (?) to lovers, smth like that ! idk if ure up for it then do ur magic but otherwise i hope u have a great day and i'm looking forward to reading more from u 💞💞💞
Unusual affection
thank you so much for your love!! I never wrote much AU before so this was such a fun idea and I hope I did it justice<3
word count; 1353 – gn!reader, dentist Oikawa AU, patient-dentist to lovers, suggestive
You're not so fond of going to the dentist. Luckily, your teeth didn’t give you many problems growing up, but your parents were urging you to get a check-up appointment after you moved away to a new city. Better to establish a dentist before the issues come up, they would say.
So you did, you made an appointment with dentist Oikawa Tooru and made your way to his office a few weeks later. His waiting list wasn’t exactly short. Not that you had to wonder why for long because…
that is one gorgeous man!
“You need to floss more regularly,” he added as if it just came naturally for him, which it probably did. You lay on the seat as he looked over all the basic stuff, rinsing and picking at your teeth. Unfortunately, you couldn’t see yourself attracting him very much with your mouth wide open and lips scrubbed dry already, so you just accepted your fate.
“I’m not really a dancer but I’ll try,” Oikawa stopped what he was doing and the swivel chair he sat on slowly turned towards you. That’s like something Makki would say, he thought. And that’s not a compliment.
“How old are you, 10?” he asked but quickly cleared his throat when the secretary seemed to eye him from her desk. She always said he shouldn’t have an attitude with customers.
“Some would say I’m a 10 out of 10!” you responded, joyfully watching as his patience wore thin. Oh, how fun to find cracks in that perfect exterior.
He sighed, shook his head, and turned back to the monitor. You started looking at the ceiling, counting the dots and lines in the ugly pattern until you lost count and started over. Is that a headache creeping up on you?
Finally, Oikawa rolled back over. You blinked a couple of times to shake off the view of the ceiling and actually focus on him. “Open.” Wouldn’t mind hearing him command you like that in another setting, you thought, suddenly avoiding eye contact again but still doing as he said. Dentists are not supposed to be this attractive. “Your wisdom teeth on this side, do they hurt?” he asked, pointing to the cheek he was referring to.
You thought about it, humming in thought. “Yes, especially after eating. Lots of food gets stuck in there too.”
“We can set up another appointment to get them removed,” he informed you. “It should be mostly covered by insurance if I say it’s necessary.”
You nodded, licking your lips as they felt so dry from his gloved hands running over them. “Will…” he was about to stand up but stopped for a moment to listen to you. “…you be doing that?”
A small humorous sound left his lips, and it sounded so melodic you were in a trance. “That could be arranged.”
Two weeks later, you’re back at the reception of your dentist's office, asking for Oikawa. You agreed to do the procedure with a local sedative, as you didn’t have that many close friends in this city yet that could pick you up, so two assistants were currently making sure you wouldn’t feel anything around your mouth for the next hours. Unfortunately, this called for you to stay quiet, and you were honestly just excited to see Dr. Hottie again.
Your prayers were answered, and after they left you to soak in the numb feeling in your mouth for about ten minutes, Oikawa walked through the door. “Hey there, little dancer.” he greeted you.
“Hi!” you cooed, but it sounded odd when you couldn’t feel your lips. You frowned, trying to look down at your lips for a moment before giving up. Oikawa clicked his tongue from where he watched you, shaking his head before putting gloves on. Everything he did seemed so elegant, but you had a sense there was a dorky side to him.
“It might hurt a bit, but just tap me if you need me to adjust, okay?” he informed you, looking into your eyes for an answer.
You nodded, sucking in a quick breath. His eyes were pretty. Swirly, like chocolate ice cream. “Yes, I got it.” You bit your top lip, sheepishly continuing. “My safeword is toothbrush.”
Oikawa seemed to chuckle under his breath, he hesitated to humour you but still gave in. “Good to know. I was half expecting a stupid joke about tap dancing.” he hummed before picking up the first tool he needed and swiftly getting to it. It wasn’t very fortunate, to have him stare at your face as your cheeks flushed red, but it was worth witnessing the self-satisfied smirk on his face.
The procedure didn’t take too long. He struggled with the lower tooth, so an assistant came in to help him and the two conversed like you weren’t even there. When it was finally done, Oikawa pressed a button so you were adjusted into a seated position. You let your lips run frantically over your chapped lips, reaching for the small cup of water he provided you. And had you not been busy with the aftermath of the procedure, you would have noticed the way he watched you for a moment too long before getting up and throwing away his gloves.
Oikawa knew it was inappropriate. His breath shouldn’t have stuttered when he saw you in the waiting room for the check-up, he shouldn’t have sent you a small wave before calling your name to let you know he was ready for you, and he shouldn’t have put his hand on your back while leading you to his station. He just found you entertaining, that’s what he told himself, but he definitely looked off his game when you finally sat down for him to check the stitches from the procedure.
“Everything alright there, doc?” you asked, eyebrows furrowed. Oikawa waved his hand as if it was nothing, laughing under his breath.
“No worries, I was just-” he pursed his lips before pointing at you with the little tool in his hand. “Do you like pasta?”
Your jaw loosened in disbelief. “Pasta? I guess I do, is that bad for my teeth or something?” you asked a bit awkwardly.
“There’s this new Italian restaurant down the street. You should go there,” he said. “With me, I mean.”
Oikawa’s penthouse apartment was pretty nice, so you two basically spent most of your time there after a couple of dates led to stumbling through your front door with your lips locked together. He had complained about the small bed and creaking floor of your apartment, which led him to take you home to his place the morning after.
Now you were sitting on the marble countertop in the bathroom with Oikawa standing between your legs, and it was similar to something you had dreamed up before when imagining life with a boyfriend. The difference was, you weren’t kissing or anything like that. No, your mouth was wide open as your handsome boyfriend checked your teeth before bed after you brushed them. “This is a bit unusual, don’t you think?” you managed to say, making him pout as you accidentally left a small bite on his pointer finger.
“You’re a bit unusual, but here we are,” he mumbled, but still hummed in appreciation at what he observed. “I knew the electric toothbrush would help.”
Finally, he leaned an arm on each side of you on the counter so you could have a kiss, which you’d say was a much better reward for being good at the dentist than the ones you would get when you were younger. “You truly are a genius, Tooru.” you cooed sarcastically. He kissed you again and hummed, savouring the aftertaste of your toothpaste. The expensive kind.
“Maybe I’m such a good dentist that my kisses clean your teeth,” he said, and it shouldn’t work. It shouldn’t be charming. It was cheesy, made no sense and created some disturbing mental images. But you savoured it nonetheless, accepting every kiss he gave you and returning it with the same sweetness.
Luckily, this dental nerd is all yours.
masterlist
#ask-mp4#hq#haikyuu#haikyu#haikyu x reader#haikyuu x y/n#haikyuu x reader#haikyuu x you#haikyu x y/n#haikyu x you#oikawa tooru#oikawa x reader#haikyuu oikawa#hq oikawa#oikawa toru#oikawa
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i am genuinely having the worst day i've had in a very long time!!!
#on top of all the shit i have already complained about today: i was supposed to have an appointment with my doctor today#to refill my adhd meds and she never showed up and i have TWO (2) pills left before i have to resort to the meds that barely worked#i found someone on zoc doc who has an appointment for tomorrow afternoon but last time i tried to book thru zoc doc there were issues#so idk!!! i'm probably not going to get an appointment until next week. so that's fucking great!!!#i literally scheduled time off next week with the intention of focusing on my writing but fuck me i guess!!!#at least i have time off so i don't have to be a worthless piece of shit at work!!!!#i'm trying so hard not to have a full on sobbing breakdown at work lmao#m.txt
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I think I'm in some kind of reenactment with T.
The thing that keeps occurring is that I get disappointed by something she neglects to do & then I feel super upset and want to lash out and can barely contain it (and IF I express it, it comes out as "never mind my question"). I sort of angrily retreat, because the insecurity of waiting totally trips me up.
The things in the last few sessions: she neglected to tell me that she'll have to cancel some of our appointments (and I planned around them to have my trip), so now we will have to have a sudden long break. Found out about this at the very end of the session, got very upset when I got home. Thankfully there was another session before the long break, arguably that makes it better. She also said she wasn't sure about one date and that maybe we could see each other next week.
I found it super hard to contain how sad and out of control I felt about this (it just triggered old stuff about my dad). So I tried arranging that other session, it was not possible. Nor was that date she wasn't sure about earlier. I felt more confused and hurt about the false hope. Emailed about how triggered I was, T replied with an email she meant to send weeks ago. The email from weeks ago actually met some needs, because it gave us things to work on.
Which involved writing confrontational letters for my parents. I did that. Got very triggered, had a period of very little sleep. Slowly got more functional again. I think the letters are a good starting point to work more on this topic. So I was hoping we could discuss them in that one session before the break.
But then it turned out that T had missed that email and hadn't read them. Since it was basically the most important topic for me, she asked if she could read during the session. So she read one of them while I was... idk, sitting there. And then she got all misty-eyed. We couldn't really get into what it meant to me, because I was super numb and disconnected and she was basically crying about how bad it all had been. Since we were quite disconnected from each other, I'm not sure if it was helpful. It just felt like "yeah, OK, now you realize how bad it was, but it doesn't change anything. I already went through it. It already happened and that is when I was alone. I've already dealt with it, alone. I've already tried telling you about this for years and I'm honestly surprised my words apparently didn't make an impact until now."
But I could tell that T was really trying and that also made me feel more mild. She did say some helpful things about the extent of the neglect and what effects it has on me. Time ran out and there was still the letter for my mother left. She asked if there was something she could do for me and said that I can email her and ask for replies. She also said she will still read the other letter and send me a reply. I thanked her and said that would be great, because right now we're still in that topic and in a month both of us will probably not remember. Given her work schedule, I expected her to take care of it that day or maybe the next.
Still no reply, and I'm getting quite triggered again. Why did she say she was going to do it? She didn't have to say that, you know. It would've given me more peace of mind not to be "waiting" like this. The thing is, I feel very ashamed of that letter. So now I wish I'd never sent it and never asked her to read it, nor agreed that she would.
Another reenactment of the same sort of situation. At least I'm realizing that now. So I think the best I can do is to let it go. I'm not sure how to do that, but I will try my best. She's only human, she's probably getting sucked into the reenactment same as me. I'm going to let it go and I'm going to count on myself. Just like I know how to do. I was trained for this, Lucas says. And a break is not the end of the world. I will let things flow as they go, and not try to force having support. It's not there in the way I wish it could be, and it's not there in words matching actions, but there is support out there in the world. I'm in a relatively good position now in my daily life and perhaps that fact in itself can already serve as support.
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it is spring time and appropriately, i have been a very busy bee !!
i'm on much needed pto and it is wonderful. i somehow managed to get completely caught up on all my work before i left so i'm not stressed about when i go back next week
i've mostly been sleeping a lot which i desperately needed and i've been doing a lot of things i've meant to for a while now
namely scheduling doctors appointments and updating my insurance everywhere i need to and that sort of shit, plus some legal stuff my mom and i are doing for some of my dad's stuff.
since monday i also started finally working on my closet again. i had to stop last time and toss everything back in there because...yeah, but now that i can spread some things out again i've made a lot of progress so far
every day i go in with the goal of getting out at least one bag of stuff to throw away and i've also moved out a bunch of clothes i'll need to sort through and a few other things i might be able to give away
feel like i can actually breathe in there again so that's nice. needed that. i'll probably work on it some more over the next two days and then take a break but it should be a lot easier now that i've really gotten the ball rolling to finish it up and fingers fucking crossed this time it'll be all done by the fall where it can just be my nice closet again and i can actually find things !!
i also finally went to get my oil changed today and fortunately there were no other problems so that went smoothly !! i got it washed, too (not that it matters now because it's pouring rain outside now lol) and i stopped to get my mom a birthday card and a gift bag for her present since her birthday is on monday !!
other than all of that i'm just trying to take it easy and unwind. trying to still rest a lot and not push myself too hard or do anything i don't feel up to.
for the past, mmm, i dunno, while i've just been full of piss and vinegar if that wasn't evident so i've tried to just be real quiet and keep to myself until i can feel less overwhelmed.
i'm still in that time out corner for now but i'm starting to feel a lot better so that's something! i've been doing a lot of cleaning lately as well (i did my bathroom on monday and will be doing laundry all throughout the week as week as well as the usual dishes and garbage duty) so that usually helps me feel a bit better.
it's also very cathartic just...throwing a bunch of shit away !! and having more space !! yay !!
oh, i also finally had therapy again after like...a month and i'm not sure yet what my new insurance situation will look like, but i think we're all happy to be done with my old insurance (she was telling me about something weird they did that i just...cannot fathom (something about mailing her a paper credit card that no one would accept ?? idk), but oh well, good riddance !!) and i'm slowly but surely working on paying her back !!
lastly, i tried a new coffee place today because i'm still trying to figure out which local coffee spot will be my new favorite now that i no longer haunt starbucks or dunkin and i went to this new one today and i....i definitely ordered a chai...a 32 oz one at that because why not, i love chai.... whatever they gave me definitely was not chai.
i'm not sure what it is exactly, but it's definitely got coffee in it and i thought at first maybe it was a dirty chai but no. and it's no big deal, i took it and just drove on but what's baffling to me is i was the only customer at that time.
nobody in front of me, no one behind me and maybe they were doing a mobile order or something but i had to sit there for a few minutes while they made it and it was...not at all what i was expecting, but also not bad !! haven't had an iced coffee in a minute so i'll take it !! (they also put a little chocolate covered espresso bean on the top which was very good)
anyway, i thought that was kinda funny. i've also finished all my chores and errands for the day now so i might take a nap or i might read or who knows what i might do, i actually have time to myself !!!!
just wanted to give a little update since for once it isn't me just bitchin' about things XD
hope if you're reading this that you're doing well and i'll be back to being a human (or as close to it as i get) ....sometime !! <3
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My estranged-ish aunt who was once like a mother to me and who I have lain awake nights literally in this past week stressing out about the unsolveable family conflict that caused the rift, texted my partner in the middle of the night last night saying she'll be in the state briefly this weekend and can we drive 4 hours round trip to meet her halfway for berry picking?
And I know I should go if I have any desire at all to salvage this relationship but even apart from the INCREDIBLY LATE NOTICE making my autistic brain completely freak out, that's an INSANE outlay of energy and she has no idea what she's asking like she genuinely doesn't.
I have two appointments on Thursday next week I'd probably have to reschedule because I would be bedbound for a few weeks after that much exertion and she still has no idea how sick I am and probably thinks it's psychological anyways.
Also we had a family party planned for that day and so I'd have an out BUT she lives thousands of miles away and I'm pretty sure I'd look like an asshole regardless of having a reason, assuming she even believes the reason and doesn't think I made it up to avoid her
Also I'm maybe afraid to go because she's gonna wanna rehash Unsolveable Family Conflict and I do not have that in me and especially will not after sitting up, in a car, for 2 hours which is going to make me feel like death.
But despite all of this I think I SHOULD go and gf says it's my choice but she also thinks I should because this aunt is important to me but IS she anymore? She's turned into a bitter asshole who is so tangled up in her own issues and is projecting them onto others and I feel like I cannot communicate with her even though she used to be the person I could communicate with best. She is a deeply angry person who thinks she isn't and it's always ready to burst out and it makes her very hard to talk to, like even before Unsolveable Family Conflict but over the years it's gotten worse and worse.
I'm very upset and stressed out and I keep crying because I just do not want to be in this position. And I know she almost definitely didn't know herself until last night that she'd be here but I still resent being put in this position because it's so agonizing.
I wish she could just come down and join the family party because that would be a MILLION times less stressful but that would be asking HER (and whoever's with her, unclear) to spend SEVEN hours in the car round trip on what sounds like a very short trip and that's unlikely and she'd probably be resentful if she did
And I'm just on eggshells because like. She didn't even answer my mother's day text/gift, this whole thing feels very tenuous which is upsetting for its own reasons. I wish we could just talk like we used to and I could tell her my situation honestly and she could help me figure out a plan. But instead I have to guess how she'll react to stuff.
And also in addition to the last minute plan change stress there's the stress of not knowing what to expect at the halfway point because I've never been there, I am absolutely not going to go berry picking because I might actually die if they make me walk around after 2 hours sitting up in a car but presumably there's a park somewhere we could sit at? But as an autistic person the way I get less stressed about doing things is to imagine them in detail and I cannot do this for new places.
I SHOULD go but I think I don't want to and idk what to do. I wish she could just come down here, way less chance of a stressful conversation in the middle of people she has to be polite to and I wouldn't have to harm my body by all that travelling.
I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it
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Fuck my body. I want a different one. Idec what it looks like, but I hate this sack of meat that barely gets pushed into functioning on a good day.
(This was in my drafts from August? Idk why I didn’t post it but here ig)
I had a college event today that was mandatory for freshman, and I went despite my nonexistent ability to function. I felt like I was dying the whole time, and the scary fucking thing is that idk if I could have actually died or not. My next cardiology appointment isn't until Friday and idk what's safe to do and what's not. Keeping up with the group had my heartrate hitting 188bpm, and it didn't go below 115 a single time during the whole thing.
The "meet your success coordinator" section was right after it hit 188 and I was so nauseous and close to passing out that I don't even remember anything beyond being asked my name and giving it. The next thing I remember after that was me almost falling getting out of my seat and losing the teacher in the halls when I went looking. I was supposed to work out my plan with her for the coming semester today.
Everything after that is kinda a blur. I know I spent it with my best friend and that I lost my phone at some point, but I don't even know when I lost it. I didn't make it to the class picture because I had to stop before I puked and my vision was so blurry and spotty that I couldn't see the ground in front of me. I sent him ahead of me and I don't remember anything again until he was handing me my phone and sitting with me. Then I called my ride to pick me up instead of even attempting to walk back to the parking garage across campus. I laid down once I could move again and managed to get my hr down to 123 before my ride showed up, and the trip home was slightly more coherent.
I threw up once we parked at home, and idfk what came up. I can't remember if I even ate anything other than breakfast and the smarties I was basically forced to eat on the trip home. I know I didn't eat dinner because I remember being nauseous and when my friend went through line for me anyway my hands were shaking too much to hold the fork. I had a few sips of water at some point that made me gag, and I think he might've gotten a few bites of a cupcake into me? That was just after we sat down though and I wasn't thinking clearly enough to remember it.
I got almost shoved into the shower after I got sick, and I passed out on the couch with everything feeling like hell and a migraine that was keeping me from focusing on anything else. I was put for almost four hours, and while I'm feeling a lot better, there's a strong chance that's because my heartrate finally got back down below 100 while I slept and I just finished a sandwich and took some meds. My whole body is still shaking, I still have a mild headache, and everything is still sore, but I'm coherent and not about to collapse. I'm also still jumping between 95-110bpm, and I really hope that that gets back into the 80s range by tommorow, otherwise I'm in for a miserable rest of the week.
Also, fuck anyone who ignored me stumbling and shaking. My friend said I looked like I was dying the entire time and only one person even gave me a second glance, and apparently it was someone he asked about my phone that I almost collapsed in front of. He said he also had to pull me out of the way of others like three times because I couldn't think fast enough to move and they were walking directly toward me without giving enough space to not hit me, let alone my crutch that was keeping me upright.
I doubt he's ever going to see this because he doesn't have tumblr and doesn't even know this blog exists, but like, I'm so fucking sorry. Neither of us wanted to be there and you spent the whole thing babysitting me which probably made it even more miserable for you. Ily, and you're my best friend. Thank you for keeping me alive today.
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Lupron update at 3.5 months
I don't think my illness that I've been experiencing recently is connected to Lupron -- I've been flaring again for the last couple weeks and October 17 is still my most recent dose, so on one hand, at least I know I'm probably not allergic to Lupron, but on the other hand, now I have no idea why I've felt sick so often for the last several months
The online booking system for the over-the-phone walk-in clinic I like to use seems to be borked for now, and there were no available upcoming appointments at my primary care clinic, so I had to use an after-hours, on-call provider from my primary care who told me that I'm doing everything right to treat my current flare, to give Aerius a good try (since Claritin and Reactine stopped working, Benadryl and Allegra aren't options for me, and most antihistamines aren't covered by my drug insurance, even if they're prescription-only), to call back in a few days to let them know how I'm doing, and that they might prescribe prednisone as a last resort if I don't get any better (but I do seem to be getting better!! I think Aerius is working)
I'm booked to get my next dose on January 9 so I left a voicemail with my pharmacy last night to get a refill on both Lupron and Seroquel, but they won't get the message until tomorrow morning, and it's probably gonna be another 12-week kit, which would bring me to 7 months on Lupron
I told my ophthalmologist's office that my eye issues could be connected with my reproductive issues, and I asked if there's a consent form I could fill out for them to talk directly to my gynecologist instead of my GP being a middleman, but they said it should be fine for them to contact her office directly, and the receptionist seemed interested in the idea that my maybe-endo could be affecting my vision
I don't know how useful it would be for my gynecologist to collaborate with my other specialists bc at my last injection, I asked if this could be related to my immune issues, and all she could really answer with was "It's definitely a possibility but I can't say for sure in your specific case" which I totally get, but this time I might be like "Hey, the last allergist I saw wasn't interested in helping and insinuated that this was a problem to take to a psychiatrist, and it will be a while until I see another allergist, so if you're comfortable with it, I'd like you to help me explore this"
I need to try contacting my gynecologist again bc I never heard back about whether she thought Lupron could be making me sick, and I also have not heard from her about Norlutate since my last shot, when she said we were denied by the Exceptional Access Program (after already being denied by the Ontario Drug Benefit) so she would ask the manufacturer if they would cover the cost of my add-back, and if the manufacturer doesn't cover it then we may have to go for a different treatment plan
The closer I get to my next injection date, the more I feel like her next step might be a laparoscopy to confirm if I actually do have endometriosis in the first place or if I have something that isn't endo (or isn't PCOS, which we already know I don't have) to make sure we're even going down the correct path, and idk if I'm emotionally/psychologically able to have surgery right now
I don't remember if I've publicly said this on Tumblr before, but I downloaded my raw data from a consumer-grade DNA test I took (my mom wanted me to do it bc it helps her family tree results and we both knew there's a backdoor way to find genetic health stuff with these tests) and so far, I've found 3 different bits in my data that suggest I have a higher risk of developing endo, so that combined with my labs, my imaging, my symptoms, and how I've been responding to treatment all mean that I wouldn't be surprised if surgery did reveal endo in my body
My last Depo-Provera shot was in August and I was getting it every 8 weeks, meaning I was due for it in early October, and I still have not had the widespread joint pain that I was getting that required me to get the shot every 8 weeks instead of the standard 12 weeks... so now I think it was less of a withdrawal from medroxyprogesterone and more of an effect of my estrogen levels going up as my progesterone levels went down
At my next injection, I might ask my gynecologist if she could order some blood work, bc I'm curious to see how my estradiol and testosterone are doing since we last checked them, which was over a year ago (when my testosterone was normal and my estradiol was... questionable), and also my eyebrows are getting patchy again and my TSH was above normal when that happened previously
My results with hypoallergenic skincare have plateaued, so my biggest pimples are still gone and the skin over my pimples is still no longer itchy or peeling, but also I'm still getting small pimples and my skin is still dry (not as dry as before, though). I'm still sticking with it for now, and I've been taking the doxycycline pills the last few days to see how that goes, which my GP said might give me results within a month and she told me that I don't have to take the full 12-week course if I'm happy with how I look at, say, 4 weeks.
I've started doing patch tests again after my skin finally recovered from being bandaged repeatedly and I got some redness and itching from the antiperspirant that I was using just fine for years until it started causing me problems (and for reference, I had to try out several antiperspirants before settling on this one bc all the ones before it also made me itchy), so now I'm trying out natural/aluminum-free deodorants and seeing how I like them... I've tried a natural deodorant in the past, but it was a compressed powder so it didn't stay put on my skin. I've tried out two natural deodorants this time around, the first one (Schmidt's in Bergamot and Lime) smelled good and didn't make me react but the component scratched me every time I applied it, so now I'm trying a second one (Tom's of Maine in Wild Lavender) that hasn't bothered my skin so far and comes in a perfectly fine component.
I got a letter in the mail the other day from the immunology clinic my GP referred me to, and it says the typical wait for an initial appointment is 10 to 12 months (which I know is a long wait regardless but it doesn't feel big in comparison to my 20-to-24-month wait for the EDS clinic lmao)
#feel free to send an ask or a dm to inquire about the products that cause me problems#im not publicly saying what they are so as not to fearmonger bc im sure most people dont have issues with them#i think i need to start tagging these posts to keep them organised#the estrogen is slapping right now#<- yes i think that will be the tag#thank u miss bosco#also i mainly did that dna test so i could look for eds gene variants#and so far havent found any#but i did find one that may or may not be indicative of me having a different connective tissue disorder#(not marfans which i already knew i didnt have but thankfully it isnt that)#but something else that i still need to fully research that seems like it was nearly classified as a subtype of eds#but a lot of this dna stuff is info i dont have a background in so the only thing i feel certain about is my endo genes
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Divine Intervention? I'm starting to think maybe it actually exists.....
(This is speculation/a vent, as idk the status of my job at the current time)
idk if I believe in divine intervention or that the universe sends you signs of what to do with your life, but this whole stupid situation with S3dgwick---not finding my medical forms that I absolutely uploaded and my doctor marking the wrong answer to a Yes or No question (even though she did put the dates in which I was not allowed to work, so if I was good at my job at S3dgwick, I'd realize that maybe the doctor messed up on the first half of that particular question)---and having my claim still be denied bc it wasn't a serious health condition (oh yes, bc feeling like my head was going to explode from being super congested isn't serious, apparently *rolls eyes*) and all the health issues I had in the last 2 months of working at W@lm@rt that put me out of work for too many days, makes me think that maybe the universe is telling me I should quit and find other employment elsewhere
I won't know until probably today or Friday if I'm being terminated (tho it shows I'm still scheduled up to June 3rd) so I'm going to work as normal and talk to my People Lead about my next steps today. If I'm going to be terminated in a few days or something, then I'm going to put in my 2 weeks notice and quit instead so termination isn't on my record over a situation that wasn't my fault (my only fault was being confused on how this stupid S3dgwick system works)
If I quit, I'll be looking for other employment elsewhere that doesn't include r3t@il, as my introverted ass and severe depression can't handle such work places. I'll be looking at online sites that help you find work that you get to do in your own home, or see about working for a packing and shipping company since I know how to do that kind of work now, but I refuse to work in the general public bc of my mental issues
I will also be opening non-anthro furry commissions in my quest to find a new job, so that I'm making at least some money during this potential transition
I'm just super exhausted over this whole corporate bullshit and these systems that are so flawed that even their own employees can't do their damn job right. So many people are able to keep going and fight through any hardships that comes with r3t@il, but this whole experience shows that I'm not one of them
Other signs I should probably quit:
--I couldn't drop a 3rd day from my work schedule bc then I'd be part-time, lose my benefits, and my schedule wouldn't be consistent hours as it is now
--I just found out yesterday that someone I liked working with and seemed like a cool person is a MAGA-T after I saw they had a wallet lanyard that read that dumbass slogan (I know this seems insignificant, but its been hard working with people who don't believe I should have rights)
--The constant bruises and cuts I get from dealing with totes, and my feet troubles (my podiatrist appointment is Thursday at 3 btw)
--The absolute exhaustion I always feel, even when I'm at home relaxing
--I seriously had better time off benefits when it came to being sick as shit delivering fucking newspapers than working at W@lm@rt. The pay was shit at the paper, but at least I could work at my own pace so long as I finished before 5 for 5 days in a row
--It's fucking W@lm@rt, I should've known working there would be a mistake (the only plus side is the new work experiences I obtained and being able to work alongside friends that I had lost touch with; I don't regret that)
So yeah, I will find out if I'm terminated/have to quit soon or if my boss can save me or what tf ever, and I will make a proper post about it later. Right now I just needed to get these thoughts out of my head so I can function on my last work day before my weekend. Eventually I will figure shit out
Peace out, bitches
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It Takes A Village Chapter 4
Chris Evans x Pregnant!daughter!reader
Series Master List
Series summary: You find out that your pregnant. After being kicked out of your mom's house you go to live full time with your Dad who you only saw once every few months. Will he react badly to you being a mom at such a young age?
Chapter Summary: You tell your family about the baby, and they're for the most part supportive.
Series Warnings: swearing, fighting with a parent, teen pregnancy, speak of abortion.
Chapters Warnings: Teen Pregnancy, swearing?
Y/n means your name. N/n means nickname. I feel like it's kinda pointless to keep telling you that but whatever.
On also... Like I know very little about his family.. So what I am using is all that I know about them... Also you are gonna refer to Carly's husband as uncle in this.. Just cause I grew up referring to my biological aunt and uncle's spouses as aunt and uncle so like idk if you guys do that too but whatever.
It was the day after the appointment and you sat on the couch nervously. Your dad was on the phone, and Scott was on his way over. You decided to go slowly on telling everyone who don't know your pregnant that your are, starting with Scott who you believe would be the least judgemental about it. Chris was going to be with you when you told him. Scott walked in taking in your nervous form staring into the distance.
"Y/n?" Scott snapped you from your thoughts. "You okay?" He asked you taking a seat next to you.
"Uh yeah..." You looked toward the kitchen where your dad had disappeared. When you realized he probably wouldn't be coming out for a little while you looked at Scott. "I'm pregnant. That's why mom kicked me out... I'm keeping the baby. And the dad doesn't want to be in their life." You rambled nervously and almost too fast for him to understand what you said. He looked at you surprised not saying anything for a moment.
"Your having a baby at fifteen?" He asked you cautiously after a few minutes, you hesitated but nodded. "And the dad is Jake?" He asked you again you nodded. "Okay." He said.
"Okay?" You questioned.
"Okay." He pulled you into a hug as you sighed in relief. Chris walked in looking at you two hugging.
"Did you tell him?" Chris asked you once you pulled out of the hug.
"Yeah."
"Your gonna be a grandpa." Scott began to teased him. "Old man."
"I'm not that old am I?" Chris frowned.
"I mean... Your not exactly young." You said shrugged. He gave you a playful glare. "Well I'm going to go to my room call me down when they get here."
You excused yourself upstairs to your room, leaving the two men to talk. "She's going to be a mom? How do you know if she can handle that?" Scott ask Chris.
"It's her choice at this point we both know I didn't want this! But I can't force her to abort! I couldn't just tell she would fail at being a mom! I think she'll do fine she's a strong kid you and me both know that.." Chris said sitting on the couch next to Scott.
"Well I'm here to help you both.. I'll tell her when she comes back."
"Thanks she's been stressing about telling everyone." Chris said sighing.
"But what about the media? They're going to notice when she grows a baby bump."
"We'll figure that out when we get there." Chris said shrugging.
---
You sat in your bedroom looking down at your belly where a baby would be growing, your baby. You still can't believe that. You sighed, whenever your alone you process what all happened, the breakup and your mom kicking you out being what you've been thinking about lately since you decided to keep the baby. You dated him for a year and knew him for most of your life but he gave it all up after you found of you were pregnant. Your mom, you always thought she'd never just give up on you, but now your living with your dad which means you'd probably be going back and forth from LA and Boston with your kid until you were old enough to not need to live with Chris.
Our thoughts were broken from Chris calling you downstairs after a half hour.
"Ready to tell everyone else cause they're on their way." Your dad told you once you made it to the living room. He had invited them all over for a small family get together since it's been so long since you've seen most of them. So your aunts, cousins and grandma were coming over and you were going to have to tell them. You were going to tell your grandpa later.
"Yeah." You said sighing as Dodger jumped on your lap licking your hand. You moved you hand petting him.
"Chris said your not going to name the baby after him... So are you going to name them after your favorite uncle?" Scott asked breaking the tension.
"Maybe." You giggled as your dad let out a hurt gasp.
"But not after your own dad?""
"I only said maybe.." You said rolling your eyes, as the doorbell rang letting you know that your aunt, her husband, and your cousins were here. "Okay I'm not ready. I don't know why I said I was ready I'm most definitely not." You said sighing. Chris gave you a reassuring smile as they walked into the living.
"Y/n!" Your youngest cousin, Miles ran into your arms his brother and sister closely behind.
"Miles!" You hugged the three younger kids smiling.
"Hi Aunt Carly, Uncle Ryan." You said looking up at the pair smiling. Your cousins pulled away from the hug going to play with Dodger so you hugged Carly.
"Hey y/n." She said once you pulled from the hug.
"Uh.. I have to tell you guys something." You said hesitantly. They nodded, looking at you curiously, Ethan the oldest of the three of your cousins, looked at you as well but you didn't notice. "I'm pregnant... And that's why I moved back to boston... Mom kicked me out." You mumbled. Well they weren't expecting that.
"Your only fifteen." Ryan said
"Mhmm..." You nodded looming at the floor.
"I thought only adults could get pregnant?" Your only female cousin, Stella asked. You looked at her not knowing how to respond.
"Why don't we go play with dodger outside..." Scott said taking the kids to the yard with dodger ignoring Stella's question.
"Who's the dad?" Carly asked you.
"Jake."
"How far along are you?" She asked.
"Two months. I'm keeping the baby. Jake knows about the baby he was the first person I told." You said. She nodded hugging you again. You sighed in relief. After you hugged her, Ryan pulled you into one too.
"Told ya nothing to worry about." Chris teased when you sat down next to him.
"I still have to tell aunt Shanna and grandma. Then I have to tell grandpa." You said rolling your eyes at him.
"And you have to explain to Stella not just adults can get pregnant." Ryan said.
"Okay, I didn't think they were listening!" You defended yourself.
"Well you'll have to get used to little kids being around your about to have one of your own." Carly said.
Scott and your cousins came back in after a few more minutes, Dodger following and jumping on your lap.
"N/n? How come your having a baby? We thought only adults could have babies?" Miles asked you stella standing next to him both of them looking at your curiously.
"Uh... I.." You looked at one of the adults for help but they just watched amused. "Wel-" you were cut off by your grandma walking in. Your sighed in relief. "Look grandma is here!" You stood up going over to her hugging her.
"You didn't answer our question!" Miles demanded pouting at you. "How are you having a baby?" Your eyes widened as your cousin just revealed to your grandma that you are pregnant. Ethan was laughing at the look on your face.
"You're having a baby?" Your grandma asked you looking at you.
"In my defense! I was going to tell you that myself! But yeah... Your gonna be a great-grandma! Surprise?" You said sheepishly pulling out of the hug. You looked at Chris begging for help but all he did was shake his head an amused smile on his face.
"Is that why you moved back here?" She asked.
"Yeah." You nodded, Miles and Stella stood beside you still awaiting your answer on how your having a baby, and Ethan's laughs had subsided after Carly shot him a warning glance.
"Answer our question!" Stella demanded pouting at you.
"She had Sex obviously!" Ethan said rolling his eyes. All eyes turned to him looking at him shocked.
"What's sex?" Miles asked. You tried your best not to laugh.
"Ethan! You can't tell your little siblings that!" Carly said.
"Miles don't worry about it. Uh go play with my old toys they're in my closet." You shooed your youngest cousins out of the room while, Carly and Ryan began to talk with Ethan on what's appropriate to tell your younger siblings. "Well! Wasn't that more event full then it should've been?" You asked Chris and Scott sitting next to them.
"Whos the father of the baby?" Your grandma asked you.
"My ex, Jake. I'm 8 weeks, and I'm keeping the baby." You said answering all the questions she could possibly ask.
"Okay." She smiled at you.
This definitely wasn't going as you expected. You excused yourself going with Ethan to find Miles and Stella. What your didn't know was your family were going to be discussing the information you just told them.
"Did she tell you?" Carly asked Chris.
"Her mom did. But I don't doubt that she would've on her own time if her mom didn't."
"Are you going to help her raise the baby? She's still a baby herself she can't raise one on her own." Lisa said.
"She made her decision. A hard one at that, her life just got flipped! I just have to help her." Chris said making it clear he wasn't going to turn against you. It seemed your family weren't either after his explanation.
Back with you, you sat in your room with your cousins, remembering how much you missed it. Missed being with your cousins and laughing. It was helping you forget everything that happened the past two weeks.
"What's Texas like?" Stella asked.
"It's nice." You said.
"Cool! Do you have to go back to texas in a few weeks?" Stella asked.
"Nope I'm here for good!" You said smiling.
"Yay!" Miles jumped onto your lap. "N/n? Why did you have to go back to Texas before?"
"Because my Mommy lived over there."
"But your daddy doesn't live there!" Stella said.
"I know but my mommy wanted me to live with her."
"So why are you living here now?" Ethan asked you but your pretty sure he knows.
"I made a mistake and she sent me here to help me fix the mistake." You explained laying back on your bed. Oh how you wish you never had to explain this to your cousins. How you wish you could go back a few weeks and say no. After a little bit Chris called you down so you could tell Shanna.
"Hi Aunt Shanna!" You said hugging her.
"Hey y/n." You guys walked to the couch to sit down and you gathered up all the courage you had to tell her.
"I have to tell you something." You mumbled. She nodded smiling at you. "Your gonna be a great aunt! And before you ask, yes that's why I live with dad again, I'm 8 weeks along, the baby's dad is Jake." You rambled looking at her sheepishly.
"Your pregnant?" She asked looking over at your dad for confirmation he nodded.
"Yep..." You said sighing.
"And you keeping the baby?" She asked, to which you nodded. "Okay." You let out a relieved smile and hugged her.
"Well this went better then I expected." You said to everyone in the room. Chris chuckled as you plopped next to him on the couch beginning to catch up with your family on anything besides the baby. He was happy to see you relaxing though he did notice that whenever he found you alone the past few days you didn't see so relaxed. You were always in your thoughts, he had an idea of what it was about but didn't know how to talk to you about it, this was your first heartbreak. When you told him you had a boyfriend last year he assumed it would be over after a little while seeing as you were 14. He didn't expect it to last so long.
TagList: @toastisgood @coldmuffinpartycloud @thevelvetseries
#chris evans x teen!reader#cevans#chris evans#chris evans x daughter!reader#teen pregnancy#daughter!reader#teen!reader#x daughter!reader#x teen!reader#i'll be there to help you the whole way#it takes a village
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Part 3
Death x OC Office AU
(Idk if you guys are even still interested in this but it's helping me get back into writing so imma keep posting it until y'all tell me "STOP!!!" Also I'm on mobile so I can't do a "keep reading" thing I'm so sorry I know it must be annoying)
“Do these leggings make my ass look to big?” I stood sideways in front of the mirror, studying my butt. Today was my first official day on the job, and I was nervous as hell.
“Everything makes your butt look big,” Neema answered, giggling. I scowled at her and stuck my tongue out, turning back to the mirror.
“Seriously, is this okay? Professional enough?”
“Ugh, it’s fine!” She joined me in front of the mirror and grabbed the hem of my baby pink top, pulling it down over my butt. “You look great, alright? It’s not like you’re gonna go to meetings or anything, right? No need for stuffy clothes.” I smiled a little and nodded. She was right, but I still felt uneasy. Maybe my outfit was too casual. “You don’t have time to change anyways, it’s almost eight thirty.”
“Shit!” I grabbed my phone and bag, running out of the room. “Love you, don’t answer the door for strangers!” Neema had gotten a three-day suspension from school after the incident, not that she minded. I hated leaving her alone, but she was sixteen and I had to stop babying her at some point, even if I didn’t like it.
“Go kick ass at work!” she called after me. I picked up my small box of things next to the door and said one last goodbye before running out.
I barely made it in time to catch the bus. I paid the two-dollar fee and searched for a seat, weaving through people. A demon standing in the aisle moved forward as much as he could to allow me to pass, his leathery wings barely missing my face as I squeezed by. Getting hit by wings wasn’t fun, I knew that from personal experience. I ducked behind an angel who was preoccupied on her cellphone and spotted an empty seat, breathing a sigh of relief. I plopped down and set the box next to me, checking the time. Eight forty.
It should only take me ten minutes to reach the office if traffic is light. I mentally cursed myself for not leaving sooner; arriving late would not be a good look for me. Amber had emailed me on Thursday to let me know my schedule and tell me who would be there to show me around. She also informed me that this was a trial run. At the end of three months, Death would decide whether or not I really could be useful. I was hellbent on proving myself, though my mission had gotten off to a late start.
I sighed and checked my email but I had nothing but spam and notifications telling me that my favorite items were on sale. Too bad I didn’t have money to burn, otherwise I’d have been excited by the news. I closed the app and checked another site, my mood not getting any better. All I saw were pictures of friends and families having the time of their lives, vacationing in the Caribbean or announcing their engagement. Apparently, my cousin was pregnant with a baby boy, oh joy. I groaned to myself as I continued to look through my timeline, feeling worse about my situation. I wanted to be able to take my sisters on vacation; hell, I wanted to be able to afford to buy them lunch one day.
I wanted to be able to buy Neema all the manga she could ever want, and make enough so Safiya never had to work another double shift again. I wanted to be able to take care of them for once.
I logged off and threw my phone in my bag, trying to ignore my pathetic self. I had a job, and that was good enough for now. I’d be able to help buy groceries and pay bills; the fun stuff could wait. My stop came up and I gathered my things, making my way back to the front. The angel from earlier was still on the phone and hadn’t noticed me. She turned to get off as I was trying to get past her and smacked me right in the face with her large wings. I fell back into one of the seats, my face stinging and mouth full of feathers.
The person in that seat shoved me forward and I stumbled to the exit, getting off as fast as I could. I set my box down and spat out the feathers in my mouth, plucking a few out of my hair. Today was definitely not starting out the best. I grabbed my things and started down the street, attempting to hold myself high. Nothing was going to ruin this, not even what had just happened.
I crossed the street and arrived at the large black building, my heart leaping into my throat. The last time I’d been here, I’d been forcibly removed. Now I was coming back as an employee. Well, temporary employee, for now. I exhaled the breath I hadn’t realized I was holding and pulled open one of the glass doors, walking in. The lobby didn’t look any different than it had the last time I saw it; black leather sofas and chairs pressed against the walls, magazines stacked neatly on glass coffee tables. The floor and walls were made of black marble, as was the front desk. There was a waterfall on one of the walls with a small pool filled with pennies. I’d tossed one in yesterday, wishing for the job I was now about to officially begin. I smiled and felt a weight lift off of my shoulders; this was a new beginning.
“You’re late.” I flinched and sucked in a sharp breath, twirling around. Leaning against the wall was Death, a frown plastered on his face and an eyebrow arched.
“You scared the shit out of me,” I hissed, taking one hand off of the box to place over my heart. “Do you get your rocks off by sneaking up on people?” He cocked his head slightly and I bit my tongue. That probably wasn’t the smartest thing to say to my new boss. “I, uh, I mean…” He stared at me silently, the quiet between us growing awkward, at least on my part. I shook myself. “I’m not late.”
“It’s nine o’ two.” I snorted. Shit, bad idea again. “I told you nine sharp.”
“I know, I’m sorry. There was a problem at home and then the bus-” He put his hand up, cutting me off, and pushed off the wall.
“Come,” he said, crooking a finger. I refrained from rolling my eyes and followed him. He looked at me for a moment and reached out, touching my hair. I jerked back a little and his hand returned with an angel feather in hand. I blushed. “Run in with an angel?”
“An inconsiderate one,” I replied. He hummed in amusement and nodded, turning back around and walking. My eyes wandered his body as I walked behind him, gaze settling on his ass. Nice. I was so caught up in appreciating him I nearly ran right into him when he stopped. “This is Nora.” I quickly looked up as he turned and gestured to the red-haired woman behind the front desk. “She’ll be your coworker and mentor. If you have any questions, ask her.” I smiled at the woman and shook her hand. “Now, I trust I won’t be hearing any complaints about you? After all, you can take whatever I throw at you, right?” I squinted my eyes a little, giving him a sickeningly sweet smile.
“I won’t be any problem at all, Death, you have my word.”
“Sir.”
“Hmm?”
“At work, you will address me as "Sir.” I held back another snort.
“Kinky,” I muttered under my breath.
“What was that?”
“Nothing, Sir.”��He stared at me for a few seconds, a strange glint in his eye.
“Don’t make me regret hiring you, Miss Banks,” he said. He sounded as though he was already regretting it.
“I won’t let you down, Sir.” He let out a breath that almost sounded like a chuckle and said goodbye to both Nora and I before leaving. I stared after him, a small smile on my face; that man was something else.
“I’m glad he finally found someone,” Nora said. I snapped my head back to her.
“What?”
“To fill the job,” she explained. “I thought I’d never be able to cut back my hours.” Warmth spread through my cheeks and I nodded, smiling politely.
“I didn’t think he’d hire me to be honest,” I laughed. “He must love me.” She laughed and pulled up a chair for me, sitting in her own. I gladly sat down, setting my box in my lap.
“The only love the boss has is for his siblings, I’m afraid.” I frowned slightly.
“Really? I saw him with his brother during my interview and he seemed like he’d have thrown him through the window if he had the chance.” Nora laughed.
“Which one? Strife?” I nodded. “Yeah, I don’t think I’ve ever seen those two get along, though they might behind closed doors; I’ve only ever interacted with them at work.” I nodded slowly. I wondered how people saw me and my sisters. We loved each other to eternity, but in public it could definitely seem like we didn’t care for each other.
Maybe that was how Death and his siblings were?
“Anyways, I’m glad you’re here,” Nora said, breaking me out of my thoughts. “That means I can spend less time at work and more time with my little one.”
“You have a kid?” I asked. Her smile widened and she nodded, grabbing her phone and showing me her wallpaper. It was her, a bald man, and a tiny baby. It looked cute, I guess; a button nose, big green eyes and a head of black hair. I wasn’t particularly into kids. Maybe if I had a more stable life and the right person, but I never really saw the appeal. “Cute, how old are they?”
“Ten weeks,” she cooed, staring lovingly at the photo. “She’s a bit of a troublemaker but I couldn’t imagine life without her. I just want to spend every moment I can with her.” I nodded and she put her phone away, still looking like she was on cloud nine. “I’m lucky to work here. Death was very accommodating and gave me more time off than I deserved, really. When I asked to cut back my hours, he didn’t even flinch; just gave me the time I wanted and told me I’d have to train whoever he hired next.”
I smiled; that was really kind of him. Way kinder than I thought he was capable of; perhaps we’d just gotten off on the wrong foot? “Anyways, enough about me! We should probably get a crack on, shouldn’t we? There’s a busy day ahead of us.”
“Yes, we probably should,” I agreed.
****
The week flew by faster than I was expecting. Nora had showed me around the building and explained to me all of my duties. Faxing, taking calls, making calls, scheduling appointments, emailing reminders and updates, making sure visitors were checked in and given passes, keeping the lobby clean, collect and sort mail, deliver mail on some occasions, and so much more my head was spinning. The fact that she had done so much by herself for so long was baffling. No one person should’ve been able to do all she had. It almost made me regret taking the job. The paycheck coming up was the only thing keeping me sane.
“Just three more days,” I muttered, doodling on my notepad. My stomach rumbled loudly, a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I winced and curled over a little, nausea washing over me like a wave. We were scrambling to save food at home, which meant eating less than was good for us. It had been messing with me lately and today way no different. I felt like throwing up, but I knew nothing would come out if I did. There was nothing in there to vomit up.
“Az, are you okay,” Nora asked, hanging up her phone. I straightened out and gave her a reassuring smile.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I lied, ignoring the pain in my stomach. “Just a little hungry is all.”
“Well, lunch is coming up, so don’t worry; we’ll get some food in ya then.” I nodded at her, appreciative of her kindness. I really wanted to tell her “I don’t have money for lunch! My next meal is probably gonna come out of a trashcan!” but I didn’t. I really didn’t want anyone knowing how pathetic I was that I couldn’t even afford lunch.
“Sounds great,” was all I said. She smiled at me and picked up another call. She was only on the phone for about a minute. “Looks like the boss wants to see you.” I frowned. What had I done? I hadn’t caused trouble; at least, not enough to warrant attention. I blew out an exhausted breath and pushed away from my desk, standing.
“Alright, I guess I’ll be seeing you in a bit.” She nodded and turned back to her computer screen, typing away at an email. I went to the elevators and pushed the up button, resting my hands on my hips. I was confused, to say the least. I hadn’t raised trouble at all. Well, that wasn’t entirely true; some guy had decided to try and get handsy with me while I was delivering some mail. He’d gotten his nose broken.
I’d had to file a report about it but I hadn’t been reprimanded, nor had I heard anything about it since then. Maybe it was just now getting around to Death. I frowned a little; he better not have called me up to his office to punish me. That would piss me off more than anything else he’s done since our first meeting.
The elevator dinged, the doors opening up, and I stepped in. I smashed the top floor button and leaned back against the metal handlebar, blowing a few strands of hair out of my face. I couldn’t help but be nervous. “Maybe it’s not anything bad,” I said to myself. “Maybe he’s just curious about how you’re doing? Or he wants you to do something for him? Something that Amber can’t do? Fuck…” I shook my head and straightened up as the elevator once again dinged. I breathed deeply as the doors opened, and stepped out.
Amber didn’t even look up when I walked out, gave me the go ahead to enter Death’s office. I thanked her and quietly opened one of the doors, slipping in. Death was against his desk, half sitting and half standing, with his office phone pressed to his ear. His face was contorted into a scowl, his jaw clenched tightly and the vein in his neck popping.
“I’m not going,” he growled into the phone, thrumming his fingers against the desk. “I have no need!” The person on the other end was shouting back at him, I could hear it from my position in front of the now closed door. “I don’t care what they want, they have you, War, and Strife; that should be enough for them!" The person they were talking to got even louder, and I could hear it was a woman’s voice. “Don’t threaten me, Fury.” His face was getting red, his eyes burning brightly.
Suddenly he pushed away from the desk and threw his hand up. “As I said, I have no need to-” Fury cut him off. Death still hadn’t noticed me, so I cleared my throat loudly enough to grab his attention. He looked at me and snapped his fingers, pointing to a chair. Without thinking, I obeyed, hurrying over and plopping myself down into the seat; I had no doubt he was angry enough to fire me right then and there if I didn’t listen. I could hear a few of Fury’s words now that I was closer.
Words like “council,” and “party,” and “pull up your big boy pants before I come down there and beat you senseless.” There was also the threat of dragging him by the ear to whatever party they were all supposed to be at. I nearly laughed; this must’ve been his sister, because there was no way anyone else would’ve been able to get away with saying the things she was. After a few more minutes of fighting, Death conceded. “Fine,” he huffed, falling into his chair. “I’ll be there, but don’t expect me to play nice with others.” Fury had calmed down now too, I couldn’t hear her anymore, but I was sure she was satisfied and probably had a smug look on her face. Death said his goodbyes and hung up the phone, muttering curses under his breath. He sighed and rubbed his temples slowly, running a hand through his hair. I shifted awkwardly.
“Are you okay, Sir,” I asked softly, unsure of whether or not I should say anything. He grunted and looked at me, straightening in his seat.
“I’m fine, thank you.” I nodded, tugging at the hem of my skirt.
“Nora said you wanted me up here? Is this about that asshole on the third floor? I won’t apologize for breaking his nose, you know.” Death snorted and shook his head, his demeanor changing. He looked less annoyed than he had just a moment ago.
“Don’t worry, it’s not about that,” he assured me. “He deserved it, and has been properly removed from the company.” My eyes widened slightly; I hadn’t expected that. I thought he’d just get a slap on the wrist or something. Death clasped his hands together and cocked his head slightly. “No, I called you up here to ask how you were settling in. Anything too much for you?” I frowned a little and shrugged.
“Not really,” I explained. “It’s a little difficult having to remember everything but Nora’s been a big help. I’m worried that I might be annoying her with all of my questions.” I laughed a little and the corner of his lips turned up slightly.
“Don’t apologize; I’d rather have you ask a lot of questions and be prepared than ask none and mess things up. I’m sure Nora feels the same way.” I nodded appreciatively. My stomach rumbled loudly and I blushed.
“I’m so sorry.”
“No need. Have you had lunch yet?” I shook my head. “I should probably let you get to it then. It’s around your break time, I believe.” I nodded and thanked him, standing. The world started to swim and I felt my heart leap into my throat, my vision blurring further. My legs gave out without warning and I fell back into my seat, breathing heavily. Death was by my side almost immediately. “Are you alright?”
“Yeah, sorry,” I said, rubbing my throbbing head. “I just haven’t been able to eat much lately.” I bit my tongue after the last word came out and silently cursed myself.
“What?” he asked, concern lacing his words. “What do you mean?”
“It’s nothing, really. I’m sorry for worrying you.” I tried to stand but Death sat me back down. I couldn’t really put up much of a fight.
“What do you mean, Aziza?” I looked up at him, my heart pounding. Again, with the reaction? Why did it make me feel so strange whenever he said my name? I stared into his eyes, my face growing warm, and shrugged.
“There’s not much food in the house so I’ve had to skip a few meals. It’s no big deal, I just have to wait a few days for my paycheck.” He frowned at my words and I gave him a small smile. “I’ll be fine, I just felt a little faint. It won’t affect my work, I promise.” He scoffed.
“Stay here,” he ordered, leaving me. He went to the doors and opened one of them, sticking his head out and talking to Amber. He came back a minute later and sat down behind his desk. “I had Amber order some food for you.” My eyes widened.
“You what?” I squeaked.
“I had her order a cheeseburger. Unless you’re a vegetarian?”
“I’m not, but-”
“Good, then you can wait here until the food arrives.” I stared at him, my mouth open slightly. Had he really just ordered me food? Why? I couldn’t afford to pay him back. Was he gonna take it out of my paycheck? I felt an odd sensation at the thought of him doing something like that for me; a sensation I didn’t know if I liked or not.
“You didn’t have to do that,” I said, trying not to sound too defensive. “I’m fine, and it’s not like you owe me anything. I need to get back to work anyways.” He rested his chin on his clasped hands, studying me carefully. My face grew warm again and I stared back at him.
“Yes, I did have to,” he said coolly. “You work in my building, which means I’m responsible for you. If you collapse on the job then I’ll have to give you time off to recover; time neither of us can afford. Nora will have to keep on full time until you recover and by the time you come back, you’ll have forgotten how everything works. Besides, I can’t have a starving receptionist; your hunger will make you forget things and then I’d have to fire you, and then where would you be? You’d be starving… Again.” I blinked, thinking over his words. He wasn’t doing this out of the kindness of his heart, which reassured me a little, but I was still uncomfortable. Even though it all made rational sense, I still felt uneasy about it.
“Okay, you’ll take it out of my pay, right?”
“No.” I sat up straighter.
“What? You have to; I don’t feel comfortable just letting you-”
“Is it that much of a deal?” He sounded amused. His lips had formed a small smirk.
“Yes, it is. You’re my boss and you’re just buying me food like I’m your girlfriend or something.” He hummed a little and leaned back in his seat, shrugging his shoulders.
“Fine, if it means that much to you, then there is something I’d like you to do.”
“Anything,” I quickly replied, feeling a bit of relief. “As long as I can do something to pay you back.” He cocked his head, a fang peeking out from his upper lip. A shiver ran down my spine.
“The company is hosting a party tomorrow night and my presence has been demanded,” he explained, rolling his eyes. “I need a date.” My eyes nearly popped out of my head. “It’s not a real date, but my sister insists I bring someone; something about she doesn’t want me embarrassing her.” I started to ask why he didn’t take Amber, but he beat me to it. “My brothers will be there, and Amber and Strife are not friendly with each other. Also, she has plans for that night.” I nodded, my stomach twisting into knots. My palms started to sweat and I clenched my hands into fists. I couldn’t exactly say no, not after he bought me food. I didn’t even know why he was asking me; we weren’t exactly friendly with one another. In fact, this was the first time since I’d began working here that we’d seen each other.
“Why ask me?”
“Why not?” I frowned, cocking my head like he’d done not long ago. That wasn’t really the answer I wanted, but it looked like that was the only one I was getting.
“I don’t exactly have the clothing for a party, and I don’t know how I should act.”
“You don’t have to act any way, just be yourself. As for clothes, I’ll have something picked up for you.” This was too weird to get my head wrapped around. “You don’t have to come with me, Aziza.” I flicked my eyes back to his. “I can face my sister’s wrath, don’t worry. I only asked because you seem bent on repaying me.”
“I’ll do it,” I quickly replied. “I’m just worried I’ll embarrass you or something.” That wasn’t exactly a lie. I was worried about doing something embarrassing, I just wasn’t worried about it affecting him.
“Strife will be the embarrassing one, don’t worry about that.” I scoffed playfully and leaned back in my seat. “I’m serious, Aziza, you don’t have to come.”
“I said I’ll do it and I’ll do it.” My words were final. I wasn’t going to back out because I was a little uncomfortable, even though that’s exactly what I wanted to do. Death hummed softly and stared at me, an almost soft look in his eyes. “Just know that I have a hard time keeping a filter on myself.” Death chuckled.
“Perfect.”
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Life update #573 🤣
I started nannying yesterday 😊
I'm watching a 9 year old named Hailey and her little brother Noah who is 4. Right now it's Friday-Tuesday from 5am-3pm, but their mom Natasha is probably going to have a schedule change so either her days will change so she has weekends off or the times will change to 1:30pm-10pm. Or possibly both! Idk yet. Fridays, Mondays, and Tuesdays I drop Hailey off at school between 8 and 8:45, and Saturday and Sunday I have them both all day. Yesterday and today they came to my house, but we're thinking we might alternate days so I watch them here half of the time and half of the time I watch them at their house. This week Natasha took Sunday and Monday off so I won't see them again until Tuesday, and then after that not until Friday the 21st. That Friday I have Maddie's 18 month check up scheduled for 8:30 am so we'll drop Hailey off and then I'll be taking Noah with us to Maddie's appointment. They are both the sweetest kids. Hailey is in 4th grade, loves to play Minecraft and other video games, and overall is such a cool kid. Noah's 5th birthday is in March and since I think I'll be watching them both long-term, I'll probably be taking him to kindergarten next year. Natasha is a single mom and is struggling to make ends meet, so I'm only asking for $20/day for both of them. I thought about asking for $30 the days when I have Hailey since they eat a ton, but I talked to Artur about that and he says that we shouldn't because we could just get a Costco memebership and start buying food in bulk to save on costs. $20/day is enough to cover my car payment and insurance which are they only things that have changed since I was a SAHM. I also sent a message to another woman who is my mom's friend's daughter about watching her 4 month old. Her baby went to the daycare I worked for and my mom told me that since they raised prices she was looking for other childcare. She hasn't messaged me back, but it's only been like 3 days so I'm not writing her off yet. If she never replies so have another person in mind who is 34 weeks pregnant right now and has to go back to work almost immediately after her baby is born. She's also a single mom and has been hospitalized for preterm labor a couple of times now. She has an older daughter who is in school though so I'm not really sure if it'll work out or if she would even need someone to watch her son when he's born. Idk, I just would like to help if I can.
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man. so. i've been doing REALLY well mental-health wise since i moved back to michigan. in the past 2 years i even started sleeping regularly and established a bit of daily routine
but my routine is messed up rn because i had to stop smoking weed. i chose to for my EEG in a month but also bc i'm out of money lmfao. and i would maybe even be able to function w/o weed if it wasn't for the ARFID. but my life and my nice new routine is falling apart now bc i went off my meds and, predictably, i cannot eat! and I am. frustrated. I just need to vent :^)
cw for talk of food/ED & neuro issues
without weed, it takes me so long to eat even 1 apple, sliced as if for a child (usually 1.5 hours), that i have to devote my ENTIRE day to making sure that i'm getting enough calories to even sort-of function. because if I only eat "what I can" I will only be eating about 500cals a day, i will start barfing, and I will end up in the ER. it's happened multiple times before.
so my routine is all wack rn. i wake up at like 8:30, I work on a carnation shake from about 9:30-10:30. around 11 I slice up some fruit and work on that until about 1pm. i have to watch tv while I do this bc otherwise I'm too focused on how the food feels and I will have a panic attack. this esp is fucking me up bc for the last 2 years I mainly watched TV at night (easier to get immersed and then go to bed then walk around all day still being immersed. is that an adhd thing?? idk)
anyway by the time i'm done w my apple it's time to think about lunch, and that also takes me several hours to complete, and by then, it's time to think about dinner, and at that point I still probably have not eaten even 500cals. and i havent gotten anything else done in the meantime (like art, or transcripts, or whatever) either because it hurts too much to sit at the desk, or because I can't eat and focus on a task at the same time (I hyperfocus, the food will go uneaten). or both.
normally I eat smaller meals/snack thru the day, then eat 1 large meal at dinnertime, but I literally physically cannot make myself do that without weed anymore.
and like, neuro didn't tell me I need to stop smoking weed for my procedure, I took it upon myself to do that bc I want them to have the data. and my counselor said now's a good a time as any to quit if I'm out of money, because when they DO ask you to stop smoking for a procedure, it's usually like, 6-8 weeks out or something.
like, technically can I survive on less than 500cals a day for a month? probably, but I really don't wanna find out?? I don't wanna live like that??? i've been losing weight like crazy and NOT in the Cool Good For You kind of way, in the "shit I already needed to replace my clothes bc transition and now this and I HAVE NO MONEY" kind of way.
i did request an appointment w my pcp about my stomach after calling the nurseline (hopefully they get back to me tomorrow). but I feel like they're just gonna refer me to a gastro. and that's gonna be another indeterminate wait for someone to look at. and idk if i can continue to not use weed that whole time. like idk if I can stand it. i cant fucking live like this I'm literally suffering and can't do my work or anything.
idk maybe like, i can stop smoking just a week or two before my EEG and that might be ok? so that I wont fucking starve in the meantime??? :( REALLY hope the next gastro isnt such a dissmisive ass hole like my last one....
#me#prsnl#ur welcome to weigh in if u have commentary i just#am having a hard time#and no its not withdrawal this is just fucking normal for my stupid body now#i know i shouldnt call my body stupid im trying so hard to be patient but FUCK this
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As usual, it's been a while. Whoops. Between covid and life as usual it's been difficult for everyone, and this blog is mostly for my own purposes anyways so I'm not too worried about it.
Anyhow, I've taken all the Japanese courses available at my local community college, so until I figure out how to take the next class up somewhere else, I'm just trying to retain what I've learned and maybe add a little at a time. The lack of formal classes makes it a bit hard though.
One of my ideas to cement things in my brain is to basically create some teaching and practice material from my textbooks and notes. One of the things I want to do is to make some vocab packs for Anki, or maybe chapter packs that have the vocab, grammar, as well as kanji, for each chapter. Someone has already uploaded a spreadsheet file with all the vocab from textbook 1 onto reddit, but there's a few mistakes, as well as things I want to add (like pronunciation mp3s from Forvo).
The other thing I wanted to do is to make a resource directory with links to all the useful pages I've found to go along with each chapter. One of the big parts of this particular project is the addition of links to specific episodes of a Japanese language podcast that I've found helpful. (I think I've mentioned Nihongo con Teppei before: beginner website, mid level, YouTube, you can also find it on Spotify and Google podcast I think). That podcast focuses most on natural speaking for listening practice, so the vocab and grammar is a mix and will be applicable for multiple chapters. Thats actually a good thing tho, since listening to it multiple times and getting familiar with it is great practice.
Now with me actually parsing it out.... Well, I'm kinda hoping someone has made a transcript for a lot of the episodes, since that'll make it a lot faster for me,,, but if I can't find anything I'll just have to go through and carefully listen to them one by one. Which will probably be better practice for me in the long run, lol. I'm finally on ADHD meds again, and I actually kinda enjoy tedious jobs like this, so I'm hoping to actually get somewhere this time...
As for languages other than Japanese, there's a little hiccup, but also perhaps a solution. Due to class sizes and Prof schedules, it seems like Class 1 for both Korean and Chinese are only in the fall. So, I missed that. I had been hoping to take Chinese in the spring, but it looks like I'm going to have to wait until next fall. Now, Korean, on the other hand, I'm at least a bit familiar with (due to teaching myself a little while in high school), and it turns out that the textbook/workbooks used for Classes 1&2 are different, and not expensive (compared to Yookoso)... So. I ordered the books for the first class and am going to try to go through them on my own and test out of Class 1 so that I can sign up for Class 2 in the spring. Unfortunately, it's a bit of a gamble with the timing. Turns out that you can only test out of a class during certain periods of time, and it's closed until the first week of next semester. So I have to make an appointment for like, the first day of the semester for the test, and then hope that there's still a seat open in one of the class 2s for the semester. So I have about 2 months to study for that. I'm more worried about being able to get into the class than the actual test tho, haha. I do know the professor, tho! I had her for one of the Japanese classes. IDK if she remembers me, but it'll be easier on my part at least since I'll be more comfortable. I'm just worried about accidentally calling her 先生 instead of 선생님,,, agdkwjwk
Really looking forward to taking up language learning seriously again, though. It's been a while. Weirdly enough, I'm especially looking forward to comparing Korean and Japanese grammar. Grammar has always been my least favorite part of language learning, since English is so backwards compared to a lot of other languages it's hard to make my brain put things in a different order :/
#3in3#language learning#language practice#learning languages#3 languages in 3 years#learning japanese#japanese language#japanese language learning#japanese langblr#learning korean#korean language#korean language learning#korean langblr#languages#langblr#hopefully i can bring this blog back from the dead#and also balance finishing that podfic im doing. heck
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anonymous: i think it's abuse, but i'm not quite sure.
so, years ago, middle school-early high school, my mom got more physical. Used to grab me by the arms or shoulders, if she grabbed by arms + dug her nails in i would too. one time she slammed me against a wall and started hitting/punching? me (cant remember entirely). didnt leave marks like bruises or anything, just red fr little while. eventually she got less and less physical, and then hasn’t hit me in… idk, awhile. at least a year probably. But was this physical abuse?
aside from that, ever since i can remember, she has a horrible temper. Calls us all names. When I was younger, elementary school-ish, I remember calling my cousin a bastard. I didn’t know it was a bad word because my mom called me + my brothers that sometimes. I figured it wasn’t as bad as “bitch” because she said it less, or something. She has called me names like that, and worse things like “cunt” countless times. Same w my brothers. But a lot of times we get into a screaming match and I say mean things too. but I think that’s a newer development. Eventually I got fed up of taking it and started yelling back instead of crying and just letting her make me feel like shit. I remember a time in elementary school she told me to go drown in the shower. I remember because I was in some fandom chat room thing and I was sad, and I told them what she’d said and they (mostly older kids, teenagers) were all horrified and comforted me and stuff.
Also I’m a lesbian, and this was a five-ish year long ordeal that began with her first stealing my phone in 8th grade-ish and reading my text to a friend saying I thought I was bisexual. It was turned into me “hurting her” because she couldn’t handle it being in “her family”. She wanted me to just try being with a boy. I never have and never will. After getting a girlfriend in senior year of highschool, and after she talked to some close friends of hers, she became more accepting. But before then, and even after that point sometimes, she’d still call me a dyke when she was mad, usually over my appearance.
Which always has been and apparently always will be a huge thing for her, too. I don’t like makeup much. I’m pretty feminine but I don’t really do my hair or makeup ever. I just brush my hair, that’s about it. This always upsets my mom. My grandpa who recently died was in the hospital a year or two ago, and she yelled and screamed at me before we went to visit him the first time because after she asked me, I told her I wasn’t intending to put on makeup. She was telling me she never wanted to be seen in public with me if I didn’t have makeup on, telling me I “look like a piece of shit without it,” etc. In high school she’d often have to pick me up because of doctor’s appointments (I have many physical disabilities/ am chronically ill / have mental illnesses) and so often she wouldn’t even say “hi,” or “how are you,” but rather her first thing would be “Wow, all these other girls come out of school looking so wonderful, I want to cry when I see that disheveled mess is my daughter.” I remember so many times doing my best not to cry in the car, looking out the window at the clouds or the sun thinking it would help me not to cry because that was letting her win or whatever, or at least I thought so. I would just say “I don’t care” over and over again because arguing with her obviously did no good and just made her yell more. But even though I really have no desire to do my hair and makeup every day and look super pretty, her comments did get to me. I’m a freshman in college right now and sometimes I’ll apologize to my best friend / roommate for looking like shit and she’ll have to really convince me that I don’t. My mom’s disparaging comments really stick with me even now. I’ll walk out the door and feel super self conscious and have my mom’s words echoing in my head but still not actually do anything about it (do my hair, or makeup, that kind of thing).
But I’m not perfect. I forget things a lot. Like if she tells me to do something I might just forget to do it. Or if she wants me to clean and I just can’t find the motivation to do it. Or if I do it but I don’t do it well enough. It gets into this awful cycle where I don’t do something and she gets mad, and then I get depressed so I just lay on my bed and do nothing, therefore making her more mad, etc etc. It’s hard because she has chronic pain too from a surgery that went wrong like 16 years ago that messed up her leg.
And when she’s nice to me, I really do love her. She’ll help me calm down from panic attacks and she brings me to doctors and gets me the medicines that I need. I was in the hospital a month or so ago and she drove down to my college (4 hours away) at midnight just to be there with me since I had to stay overnight.
It’s like, I know she loves me. And the first few weeks of winter break back in December were good. But if I stay home long enough she goes back into how things were before I left for college. Eventually the honeymoon sort of phase wears away, and she’s back to treating me like shit, and I’m back to wanting to go away to college again. Right before I went back to college I remember she said something about how I do nothing for her no matter how she talks to me, “whether she’s nasty or sweet as pie to me”, and I responded in frustration that she was always nasty to me. And at that moment I was doing dishes as she told me to do, and she came up next to me and started slamming dishes down and told me to get out of her sight, to not do the dishes and to do them later when she was gone so she didn’t have to see me. But at that time, she was trying to get off of cymbalta, which apparently has horrible withdrawal symptoms. So I guess it made her temper even worse. When she was slamming stuff I flinched, I really thought she was going to hit me (she hadn’t in a while). But she didn’t. But I still flinch at sudden movements in daily life–yesterday in the dorm bathroom as I walked out, someone walked in, and I flinched really violently just because I hadn’t seen them coming (pretty embarrassing lol).
Also not sure how common this is, but when other people around me get into arguments I get really anxious? My best friend’s family treats me like their own, and her cousin+cousin’s husband took us out for dinner, and on the way home they got into a disagreement and I got unbearably anxious, I actually had to do deep breathing exercises to try and keep myself calm. I get kinda anxious just thinking about it. The people involved have never yelled, they’re always super nice to me and each other–it was a perfectly civil disagreement that they were in, just very passive-aggressive tbh. But it never escalated. They just kinda bickered and then we got to our destination and they solved the problem, and that was that.
I don’t know where I’m going with this. That first thing I mentioned, about her shoving me against the wall, happened like 5 years ago. I thought I was over it until I tried explaining it to my best friend and ended up a sobbing mess in the process–I couldn’t even talk. I angrily mentioned it to my mom at some point more recently and she laughed at me, saying she “barely touched me” and making fun of me in front of my brother, who joined in saying how ridiculous I was being and laughing at me. That experience has made me really question everything, to be honest. My mom has a lot of shit to deal with, and I’m not the best daughter in the world, far from it. I get good grades but that’s about all I’m good at, all I can be counted on for. Or at least that’s how it seems to me. I can’t tell if how she treats me is normal, and I’m overreacting, or if it’s abusive, or if she’s just angry at me and I deserve it. Any advice on that front? I’m sorry this got so long.
It would be nice if this is anonymous. But could you tag it as “mint” so I can find it if you make it anonymous? Thank you. And thank you for running this blog.
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yes, what you're describing is abuse! grabbing you, and punching strikes as a really hateful and cruel physical abuse, only a person who really wanted to hurt you would do such a thing. Being called names also comes from a hateful place, and it can hurt so much when it comes from a parent, because they're not supposed to hate you, they're supposed to care, calling you names shows that they didn't care at all, they saw you as something that is there for them to hurt. Presenting your sexual orientation as something hurtful to them is so cruel and vicious, they wanted you to feel horrible about who you are! As if something is wrong with that! I'm really glad you never want to be with a boy. Calling you names for merely being who you are is really hurtful, again, something she does only to harm you.
Hatred over your appearance is also something really abusive and crushing, it can affect you really deeply that people can hate you merely because they don't approve of the way you look, and that's terrifying, even more when it comes from a family member. She made you feel like she'd rather have someone else for a daughter, merely because of your looks, that is just too cruel. It doesn't matter if you're perfect or not, you haven't deserved this kind of abuse, someone who cares about you would never do any of those things, because they shouldn't think that you deserve to be hurt.
Helping you calm down and bringing you medicine are such basic things, it's really not much, even if it means much to you because you don't really get much affection so even the smallest gesture can feel like love. You deserve more than that. Your mom is abusive and a few basic things she does can't change that. I don't believe a person who hurts you that badly can truly love you and care about your well being. You can't just love a child when you feel like it, and then hate it when you feel like hating it. That's sick.
It seems you recognized the cycle of abuse and you know what's going on. I'm glad you're so bright and know a lot of things are wrong. You are scared of her. You're anxious in arguments. She's obviously capable of hurting you a lot, and you know it's not safe for you around her. It's really painful to live around a person like that, and you shouldn't be subjected to that.Probably the most scary thing is how she pretends nothing happens, minimizes the pain she caused to you and tries to excuse her actions and gaslight what you know happened. That kind of psychological abuse can drive a person crazy, and you shouldn't be put thru that, just for the sake of her getting away with it.
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Life Updates
I brought up a few months ago that I started working at Walmart full time. I work 1-10pm, Friday through Tuesday. Until this week and the next, I won't have to do anything on my days off that would keep me away from my computer, so I've been writing as I'm currently in the mood for it since I have free time (tomorrow I'll be spending some time cleaning the grime off our front bathroom walls while my mum is away on vacation for 2 weeks, as a surprise to her for when she returns)
I am in the process of seeing about buying myself a keyboard for my tablet that I bought off a friend recently, as well as an art drawing pen that I'm asking for for my birthday in July. I hope to be able to write during my lunch breaks for work once I have the keyboard, and attempt getting back into digital art once I have the pen. Unless something drastic happens, I'm keeping my full time status, despite wanting to be part time so I can have more free time. This is the first time in my young adult life that I've had a full time job and it has been pretty exhausting, but I'm trying to stick with it. I'm lucky to still live with my parents, as I only pay $500 a month for rent and food (and I tend to buy groceries for the fam, so that docks my rent by a lot sometimes) so having all that extra money for myself each month is well worth the amount of work I have each week
As for health updates, I'm still taking antidepressants for my depression. I've regretted for a while now that I didn't stick with them when I was first diagnosed with it in high school (I was 16 at the time, which I believe was triggered by the bullies I had in middle school and then the death of my first dog that I loved dearly at 16) because looking back, it was quite obvious that I still needed them, but I refused to believe I had depression at that time. This lapse in judgment for all these years has cost me my short term memory capabilities and contributed to my lack of proper social skills, like having a normal, good paying job. Without my antidepressants, working at Walmart would possibly literally kill me, so it's safe to say that they're necessary for the rest of my life, and I'm okay with that. Lots of people are genetically incapable of producing the proper hormones in their brains for regular brain function, and I wish we cared more about mental health issues than we currently do. It would save a lot of people heartache
Since I started working at Walmart, I spend most of my work days walking on concrete floors. As someone who only rode a bike for a shitty job for 13 years and sat for much of the remainder of my days, I have had severe pain in both feet caused by hours upon hours of walking. At first I thought I just had to break in my new shoes, but that wasn't the case. I won't have a diagnosis regarding my feet and any damage I caused to them from sitting so much until I see a podiatrist on May 5th, but I wanted to bring up that an appointment was happening soon. Once I have results and what I need to do to fix any problems I have, I'll update everyone again
BTW, this is the first time in months that I've been on here, so if I've missed anything vitally important, sorry about that. I'm afraid to even look at my messages, knowing I'll have so much to look at, and I'm incapable of dealing with that right now. I might take some time during my lunch hours to go through everything at some point. I'd rather have my keyboard beforehand though, and idk how long that'll be from now
Some people have probably been waiting to hear news about my TLK stuff, so right now, its on the back burner. I probably won't turn the story into a comic anymore (unless someone wanted to collab with me on it) but I still plan to finish the fic eventually. I know how I want the story to go, so its all a matter of getting coherent ideas down. I'll try to have a goal to get it finished by summer or after so I don't forget to actually work on it when I can. I want to see this story finished
I think that's all. I hope everyone is having a good 2022 so far. I know there's a lot of fucked up shit happening in some states and in the Ukraine right now, so if you're in the middle of those situations, please be safe. I am lucky to live in a state where LGBTQIA+ people and minorities have protections from health discrimination, and I wish you were all just as lucky. No one should have to live in fear for being anything not white cishet old men. Just know that I love you all *blows kisses*
Good night!
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Anonymous:i think it's abuse, but i'm not quite sure.
so, years ago, middle school-early high school, my mom got more physical. Used to grab me by the arms or shoulders, if she grabbed by arms + dug her nails in i would too. one time she slammed me against a wall and started hitting/punching? me (cant remember entirely). didnt leave marks like bruises or anything, just red fr little while. eventually she got less and less physical, and then hasn’t hit me in… idk, awhile. at least a year probably. But was this physical abuse?
aside from that, ever since i can remember, she has a horrible temper. Calls us all names. When I was younger, elementary school-ish, I remember calling my cousin a bastard. I didn’t know it was a bad word because my mom called me + my brothers that sometimes. I figured it wasn’t as bad as “bitch” because she said it less, or something. She has called me names like that, and worse things like “cunt” countless times. Same w my brothers. But a lot of times we get into a screaming match and I say mean things too. but I think that’s a newer development. Eventually I got fed up of taking it and started yelling back instead of crying and just letting her make me feel like shit. I remember a time in elementary school she told me to go drown in the shower. I remember because I was in some fandom chat room thing and I was sad, and I told them what she’d said and they (mostly older kids, teenagers) were all horrified and comforted me and stuff.
Also I’m a lesbian, and this was a five-ish year long ordeal that began with her first stealing my phone in 8th grade-ish and reading my text to a friend saying I thought I was bisexual. It was turned into me “hurting her” because she couldn’t handle it being in “her family”. She wanted me to just try being with a boy. I never have and never will. After getting a girlfriend in senior year of highschool, and after she talked to some close friends of hers, she became more accepting. But before then, and even after that point sometimes, she’d still call me a dyke when she was mad, usually over my appearance.
Which always has been and apparently always will be a huge thing for her, too. I don’t like makeup much. I’m pretty feminine but I don’t really do my hair or makeup ever. I just brush my hair, that’s about it. This always upsets my mom. My grandpa who recently died was in the hospital a year or two ago, and she yelled and screamed at me before we went to visit him the first time because after she asked me, I told her I wasn’t intending to put on makeup. She was telling me she never wanted to be seen in public with me if I didn’t have makeup on, telling me I “look like a piece of shit without it,” etc. In high school she’d often have to pick me up because of doctor’s appointments (I have many physical disabilities/ am chronically ill / have mental illnesses) and so often she wouldn’t even say “hi,” or “how are you,” but rather her first thing would be “Wow, all these other girls come out of school looking so wonderful, I want to cry when I see that disheveled mess is my daughter.” I remember so many times doing my best not to cry in the car, looking out the window at the clouds or the sun thinking it would help me not to cry because that was letting her win or whatever, or at least I thought so. I would just say “I don’t care” over and over again because arguing with her obviously did no good and just made her yell more. But even though I really have no desire to do my hair and makeup every day and look super pretty, her comments did get to me. I’m a freshman in college right now and sometimes I’ll apologize to my best friend / roommate for looking like shit and she’ll have to really convince me that I don’t. My mom’s disparaging comments really stick with me even now. I’ll walk out the door and feel super self conscious and have my mom’s words echoing in my head but still not actually do anything about it (do my hair, or makeup, that kind of thing).
But I’m not perfect. I forget things a lot. Like if she tells me to do something I might just forget to do it. Or if she wants me to clean and I just can’t find the motivation to do it. Or if I do it but I don’t do it well enough. It gets into this awful cycle where I don’t do something and she gets mad, and then I get depressed so I just lay on my bed and do nothing, therefore making her more mad, etc etc. It’s hard because she has chronic pain too from a surgery that went wrong like 16 years ago that messed up her leg.
And when she’s nice to me, I really do love her. She’ll help me calm down from panic attacks and she brings me to doctors and gets me the medicines that I need. I was in the hospital a month or so ago and she drove down to my college (4 hours away) at midnight just to be there with me since I had to stay overnight.
It’s like, I know she loves me. And the first few weeks of winter break back in December were good. But if I stay home long enough she goes back into how things were before I left for college. Eventually the honeymoon sort of phase wears away, and she’s back to treating me like shit, and I’m back to wanting to go away to college again. Right before I went back to college I remember she said something about how I do nothing for her no matter how she talks to me, “whether she’s nasty or sweet as pie to me”, and I responded in frustration that she was always nasty to me. And at that moment I was doing dishes as she told me to do, and she came up next to me and started slamming dishes down and told me to get out of her sight, to not do the dishes and to do them later when she was gone so she didn’t have to see me. But at that time, she was trying to get off of cymbalta, which apparently has horrible withdrawal symptoms. So I guess it made her temper even worse. When she was slamming stuff I flinched, I really thought she was going to hit me (she hadn’t in a while). But she didn’t. But I still flinch at sudden movements in daily life–yesterday in the dorm bathroom as I walked out, someone walked in, and I flinched really violently just because I hadn’t seen them coming (pretty embarrassing lol).
Also not sure how common this is, but when other people around me get into arguments I get really anxious? My best friend’s family treats me like their own, and her cousin+cousin’s husband took us out for dinner, and on the way home they got into a disagreement and I got unbearably anxious, I actually had to do deep breathing exercises to try and keep myself calm. I get kinda anxious just thinking about it. The people involved have never yelled, they’re always super nice to me and each other–it was a perfectly civil disagreement that they were in, just very passive-aggressive tbh. But it never escalated. They just kinda bickered and then we got to our destination and they solved the problem, and that was that.
I don’t know where I’m going with this. That first thing I mentioned, about her shoving me against the wall, happened like 5 years ago. I thought I was over it until I tried explaining it to my best friend and ended up a sobbing mess in the process–I couldn’t even talk. I angrily mentioned it to my mom at some point more recently and she laughed at me, saying she “barely touched me” and making fun of me in front of my brother, who joined in saying how ridiculous I was being and laughing at me. That experience has made me really question everything, to be honest. My mom has a lot of shit to deal with, and I’m not the best daughter in the world, far from it. I get good grades but that’s about all I’m good at, all I can be counted on for. Or at least that’s how it seems to me. I can’t tell if how she treats me is normal, and I’m overreacting, or if it’s abusive, or if she’s just angry at me and I deserve it. Any advice on that front? I’m sorry this got so long.
It would be nice if this is anonymous. But could you tag it as “mint” so I can find it if you make it anonymous? Thank you. And thank you for running this blog.
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yeah your mom roughly grabbing your arms and shoulders and slamming you against the wall and punching you sounds terrifying, the fact that it didn't leave marks and bruises just shows that she wanted to hurt you, but didn't want any proof of it left over that could be used against her. it's horrifying. It is physical abuse, and even if it lessened it's likely because physical abuse is used to permanently keep someone scared, intimidated, and obedient, being abused this way in the past is enough for long term consequences, so they don't even have to hit you in the present because your body remembers abuse from the past and is ready to obey them in order to avoid more!
Name calling is abuse, and being told to drown in a shower was basically telling you to die, holy shit, that's horrible! I'm glad you got some comfort afterwards, that's really traumatic.
Refusing to acknowledge your sexual orientation and then using it as an insult is crazy abusive, it sounds like she really hated you and everything you are. Also that is a lot of abuse just over your appearance, the worst is comparing you to others as if you're inferior or something to be ashamed of, it's awful! It's severe emotional and psychological abuse, and it's no wonder you were doing your best not to cry, and still don't feel like your appearance is good enough. You're in the right here, not wasting your time to adjust your appearance to how others would prefer is good! looking the way you feel comfortable is the best decision for you, and your mother had no right to dictate it or to shame you for it, you're a human being, and that matters more than your appearance, and anyone using your appearance to imply that you're less is dehumanizing you, and negating your worth as a human.
You don't have to be perfect in order not to be abused, and even if there were some times where she wasn't abusing you as much, it just means she is able of not abusing you, but she still abused you all the other times. Not abusing you or being nice to you for a short while is absolutely no excuse for abusing you the rest of the time. She sounds really terrifying and it's dangerous to believe she loves you, i don't think someone who cares even slightly about your well being could ever hurt and abuse you this much.
For abuse survirors it is common to get scared and anxious when getting into arguments because in the past you were taught that arguing risks abuse, risks someone accusing you of provoking them or being at fault because you didn't just do as you were told. After that, even if you were in a civil argument it would be scary. Your brain gathers all information about arguing and if there was danger in the past, it expects danger in the future, and sends out warnings and anxiety whenever you have to argue.
It's hard to ever be over someone who you love and trust shoving you against the wall. It's terrifying to just know that person is capable of that, of wanting to hurt and scare you that much. And your mom is gaslighting you and pretending it didn't happen because she knows it was abusive and cruel, and she doesn't want to deal with consequences of that. I'm glad you're questioning everything, and you don't have to consider what your mom has to deal with, this is about you, and how your mom affected you, and what is the shit YOU have to deal with, because of her. You don't have to be counted on for anything, you're a human being, not a tool, not a robot, not there to be of service to others. You deserve good things even if you don't bring profit and good things to others. I don’t know about advices, but I hope you keep questioning your mom’s intentions and actions and do what’s best for you, regardless of what she wants. Remember your life belongs to you, and you do not have to live for her and her ideas of what you should be. If you feel you could be happier without her dragging you down and burdening you, try to get free. Good luck.
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