The Female Experience (Through My Eyes)

 Before I begin with yet another one of my annual multi-paragraph discourse posts, I want to clarify that this is not a coming-out story. I felt pulled to share my thoughts around my own experiences with gender in today’s day and age as a Christian, which is something I don’t see most people speaking about. My desire is to share my experiences in order that other Christians like me can be reassured that they are not alone, and it is normal to doubt. I wish to be the representation I needed back when I was struggling. 

TW I do talk about my faith and how it connects to who I am, however, I am sharing my personal experiences, so I hope it is more accessible than offensive--if you are not a christian, you are more than welcome to engage as well.

Here we go!

 I’ve never felt like a woman. When I was a child, I didn’t feel like a girl, either. I doubt there is a single point in my life in which I have actively felt and identified with what the world deems to be female. I was never distressed, but I did feel different sometimes. Not in the way that one might feel wearing pants in a room full of other girls in dresses, but in the way that I was myself and they were something else. I did things differently, I acted differently, and people could tell. “Quirky”, “Bold”, “Different”, “Confident” are all descriptors I’ve heard many a time, and I’ve been lucky that they’re positive. These aren’t bad things, and I am in no way complaining—just explaining that even people around me could see that I was different.

 Not once did I question myself until I reached the age that the internet became a larger part of my reality. The most I’d ever done was watch my testimony play on the screen in the green room at church, on the day I was baptized, noticing how my mouth moved funny when I talked. Or perhaps, observing my spindly limbs in a photograph, suddenly and uncomfortably aware of how differently my body moved in the world. But later on, as I immersed myself in our society, observing its movements in order to understand, I began to feel further and further away.

The only people I saw who were like me, were not women.

 To the tiny part of my lizard brain, this had to mean something, and my OCD latched onto it like a moth to a flame. Any suggestion to this end sent my mind spiraling. I felt an intense need to define who I was by a label of some sort, in order that I might fit in, or perhaps prove myself, or maybe, to truly find rest.

 I had to discover what being a woman meant, because if I didn’t, I was afraid I might not be one. I had to know what a woman was in order to be sure I was one. But finding no connection to what I saw femininity to be, I had no choice but to leave my questioning in the dark, unanswered.

 When I tried to think of the things that defined femininity, I could only think of the warped things I was bent upon rebelling against. Besides being generally uncomfortable with my anatomy, I hated that women were reduced to the sicky-sweet, seductive, rose-tinted narratives I saw all around me. So what was left? Nothing, except my own feelings and how I perceived myself. And when I thought about it, I didn’t perceive myself as a woman, just as myself. There were no “female” feelings to be found, either.

What I’ve finally come to realize, however, is that those two concepts can coexist. Woman, and me—that is, everything that makes me myself.

 If, say, I were to come out as nonbinary, or, agender, the more specific microlabel for those who don’t identify with gender (discovered during one of my obsessive internet searching phases), to be honest, I’m really not sure it would help me. Because I know that no matter what I did to change myself, even if it was no more than try my best to continue being genuine, being myself—the reality of womanhood would always follow me. I would still be seen within the binary of male and female, and my sex would always affect how I was treated by others. And beyond that, I would merely be stepping outside of one box into another—just as society pressures women to be feminine, I have seen how nonbinary people are pressured to be androgynous, to be not female, or not male, or a specific mixture of both that has to be palatable to others in just the right way. If I pursued this path of fitting into boxes, it would undoubtedly be a painful one, because to me, I fit perfectly in neither.

 Soon I realized that the problem, for me, is with the warped stereotypes associated with being a woman, and not being a woman itself. Woman, as a term, was not the box I had always thought it to be—if anything, it was more like a garden, and the garden grows what it will, no matter what I choose to plant.

 I have always been myself. Woman has always been a part of that, subconsciously, as a reality of my existence. But it never did, and doesn’t have to, hold the weight I thought it did. I am a Christian, but if I were to ask myself if I felt like a Christian, that would in turn raise the question of “how do I know what being a Christian feels like?”. I am also 20 years old. I do not feel like I am 20, but the reality is that that is the amount of time I have existed in this world, outside of the womb, for. (Quite frankly, most days I still feel like a teen.) I am also 5.9”, or to be specific, 175cm. But if someone were to ask me if I felt like I was 5 feet 9 inches, I wouldn’t be able to answer that, because I don’t feel like it, it just is.

To me, womanhood is the same. I am a woman, and it doesn’t have to mean anything more than it already does. It doesn’t mean I have to conform to what the world says a woman is like to be one—as a matter of fact, it doesn’t mean I have to act any certain way at all, since it is nothing more than an immutable trait of my flesh. I can ignore it, but I cannot avoid it. Regardless of anything I do or say, it is there, and it is what I was born with. I do not have to hate it, nor do I have to find joy in it—because it simply is, the way it is true that I have arms, I have hair, I have a face. I have a woman’s mind, a woman’s body, a woman’s soul, and to reject that would only hurt me further.

 Don’t get me wrong, femininity is important. I’m still on a journey to find out what it means. But my feelings aren’t the most important aspect of that, and to give them weight would only enforce the very things I sought to avoid.

 When God met Moses in the desert hundreds of years ago, He gave this response to being asked His name—“I am.” God is God. He simply is. He does not prove Himself to anyone, nor does He change Himself to fit one box or another, or force Himself to sit outside of them entirely. He rests in His identity and His way of being, perhaps like a cat stretches out and lies in the sun, its decisions not at all swayed by the musings of man.  

I don’t identify as a woman, I just am one.

 At this point, since I have little understanding of biblical femininity outside of how the world has warped it in misogynistic ways, this I believe is how I can glorify God with my femininity. He made me the way I am, with the things I like, what I do, and how I think. He also made me female. And the best thing for me to do for my anxious, restless mind is to abide in that “I am”—I am who He made me to be, messy parts, clean parts, parts that fit and parts that don’t. Woman is weaved so intricately, gently, within that, as part of who I am and how I experience the world. To reject that would mean I really do believe what society tells me about who I am—nothing but my own thoughts and feelings, crammed into an empty box painted with purple, yellow and white stripes.

mary jane's husband and his boyfriend

we need to destroy the idea that girls should wear makeup. normalize bare faces on prom queens and flower girls and cheerleaders. no products at all instead of '7 product simple makeup routine.' no more 10 step skincare and regular facials and dermablading and gua sha just to be comfortable with yr natural face. i want to see eye bags on the funny librarian and acne on the swim coach and wrinkles on all our adult role models. i want to see a 16 year old girl that has never tried putting on eyeshadow. i want to see a 7 year old girl who doesn't have to go out and buy powder for her dance recital. i want to see trans women and girls everywhere to never have to wear makeup, regardless of how well they 'pass.' no more 'contouring to look masc' either. a post-beauty industry world is possible

reblogs are on but if you bring up the stage makeup point that i have addressed three times yr blocked on sight ☹️

Howdy My Beloved

(I’m so down bad for him it’s horrifying)

LMAOOO mostly mutual howdy love

speaking of howdy iv been seein cowboy/Wild West aus for welcome home and I decided to dip my toes in it a lil while I was hyper KXHDGDH

cw poorly drawn guns and messy sketches

I was just gunna make Home a sheriff’s buildin’, but I thought it would be cooler if he was a big bad spooki

also howdy’s lil bugdega is both a convenient store and a restaurant/bar (same building, all shopping stuff at the front while the restaurant is in the back) howdy can make a mean beef n cheddar KDHHFH

Being side b is explaining to non-affirming people that gay people are still people that deserve love and respect even if you don't affirm them.

Then explaining to affirming people that God has decided that acting on SSA is objectively a sin and that they will be held accountable to Him for their choices.

And being hated by both 🤡

Okay, buckle up fellow BL enjoyers and people who are at least a little bit curious about Pit Babe the novel. I'm now five (very long) chapters in, so get ready for some spoilers and details.

Only, there isn't much to tell. The chapters are long but very little happens. Well, except for the fact that Charlie and Babe are just constantly getting it on. If you thought that the Big Dragon novel was pwp then think again. Maybe the smut is the alphas we met along the way. Or something.

It starts very similar to the first ep of the series, with Babe partaking in some pre-racing fun - only it isn't very fun for him because he hates the scent of other alphas. As an alpha himself he has the whole heightened senses thing and that makes him super sensitive to all kinds of scents - omegas included, I guess (yes, they exist in this universe but that's about it). And because he himself is a power bottom that leaves him with a bit of a problem. But not too much of a problem because the novel mentions hundreds of hook-ups until Charlie comes along.

Things play out the same as in the series. Charlie wants a car, Babe is his idol and he'd do anything for a chance at racing. Cue to the first of many, many spicy scenes. Babe is delighted that Charlie has no scent. Charlie already jokes about impregnating him (I forgot that this novel has mprg, why am I doing this again?) but so far it's never mentioned again.

There's very little racing happpening. The only other character from the series that has shown up so far is Way and he's pretty much the same. Way wants Babe but he's too cowardly to make a move so they're stuck in this weird friendship where Babe is really comfortable with Way being all touchy-feely. This gets Charlie jealous because at this point Babe and him are pretty much exclusive (with Babe demanding that Charlie hide behind face masks and hats whenever they're out and about as to not taint Babe's reputation as a horndog). Cue to some angry sex. And then some more sex.

But wait, somewhere along the way Babe catches feelings. He pretty much has Charlie move in with him, does some embarrassing stuff like calling him when he's gone for one (1) day and buys him a desk so he can work from his condo. They have a routine now. And so. much. sex. On every imaginable surface (some poor dudes car after Charlie win's a race where he himself was the bet) and occasion, several times a day.

Charlie is a little bit sus, though. Nothing's outright wrong, but sometimes Babe wonders if he's really the stupid boy he's grown to trust. Because sometimes Charlie reacts in ways that Babe can't quite explain but that are glossed over almost immediately because Charlie can be very distracting. One time he secretly follows him when Babe's out to buy something. He's about to get mugged and Charlie saves him (which doesn't fit with Charlie's whole personality at all). Another time Charlie's gone for a day, supposedly staying with his parents but he comes home smelling like alcohol and a strong, unpleasant scent (clearly something alpha-related) that Babe can't explain. But whatever, Pit Babe's horny and clearly Charlie is incapable of lying anyway because he's too stupid.

Yeah. 🤡

Oh, and as for the no kissing rule? Sadly that's abolished after the second sex scene in like, half a sentence.

And that's things so far. There's really very little talk about anything omegaverse, but mostly because it's just chapter after chapter of well-written smut. Babe constantly calls Charlie "his alpha" (not to his face) - but even though he's clearly in charge, Charlie has definitely taken a hold over him (and Charlie knows and uses this to his advantage). They have a really interesting dynamic. There's no power struggle at all, just a gradual shift of what their relationship means to either of them. There's definitely something up with Charlie though, but I'm surprised they're so open about it in the series.

And where does the rest of the cast even come from? Or the whole plot? Poor Winner is so sad and pathetic, he doesn't even seem to exist in the novel (just some dudes named Billy and Six who might or might not have previously hooked up with Babe).🤣

Many factors contributed to my day feeling weird and strangely unsettling, so I sketched these

I also think I’m gonna start putting my URL on most (digital) drawings. Not that it’s being stolen or anything (as far as I know), I just… want people to be able to find me. I don’t really mean because i want the credit, I mean more like… say it ends up on Pinterest or something, and a person sees it and thinks it’s cute and doesn’t yet know who I am. Maybe they want the full collection of my art. I’d want them to be able to check right away who I am, to be able to confirm that they enjoy the artist just as much as the art. And if they don’t for whatever reason, they can hopefully come to a much quicker acceptance of that, having already had all the information from day one.

Oh but on a much brighter note, @crossover-enthusiast I actually sketched John and Jack in the swap mod!

Kinda unfinished but whatever.

The idea I came up with for them is that instead of being bullies, they’re the kids who are always like “hey you’re not allowed to do that dummy” and are very rule oriented. Something I had in mind was that one episode of The Brady Bunch (I am not that old I swear-) where Bobby becomes the safety monitor of his class and it takes him like 2 seconds to become the entire school’s hated sheriff and the kid that nobody likes because he always stops the fun and lays down the law.

I also thought this would make their dynamic with the demon kids more interesting, since instead of both parties being mean, one is affably evil while the other is comically ‘those kids’

I was gonna include Robert and John together, since I figured Robert would actually be John’s uncle in this world, but then stuff happened and I didn’t (STARTED it tho)

Jack has curly hair because I said so

IMPORTANT UPDATE FOR BATMAN AND ROBIN (2023) FANS!!!...he eat a burger [ID in alt]

(taken from Nicola Cizmesija's insta, who's on art for B&R issues #5 and #6)

questioning sexuality is so exhausting

Brooke : Help! I’m drowning!

Rudolph: Calm down. We’re only in six feet of water!

Brooke : NOT ALL OF US ARE TALL!

he doesn't handle his caffeine so well

I am thoroughly enjoying these episodes but man, I really wish OFMD had gotten ten instead of eight. These are such fun characters and I want to spend as much time with them as possible.

What If Julius and Subaru both met when Julius was a commoner and Subaru got transported Sooner

fun stuff im sure !! but haah okay given julius was a kid when he was a commoner - yeah theyre both kids here!! not sure how old but definitely somewhere before the age of ten. and i think theyd be up to some shenanigans together im sure!! theyre both very mischevious kids (or from what little we know of little kid julius, given iirc tappei hasnt specified just How Much of a "delinquent" little kid julius is okay. but hes definitely the type to sneak out past curfew or something. stay up late reading too, probably. that sort of thing). and also subarus a kid and no way he ISNT missing home poor guy T^TT getting ripped away from home like that is bad enough at seventeen, getting ripped away from home when you are like. no more than eight or something is Bad. but luckily!! im assuming subaru gets found by the juukuliuses (julius's parents probably?) and thats how julius and subaru form their friendship / long-term yearning for each other (if you so desire that) (okay but no way subaru ISNT gonna form long-term yearning for julius flajsdlf). but yes i think julius and subaru would be silly happy kids together and julius's parents would be like oh no this other kid is so lost where is he from :(( but hes so loved by julius already too... well we got another kid under our roof now.

except. julius's parents die in a flood. so i mean. Hypothetically.... either julisuba survive this one first try or subaru dies for the first time. which. ohh god. oh god. oh g -

Luzu: ["Threatening" Roier]

Roier: Let me tell you something, Luzu.

Luzu: Go on.

Roier: As Iron Man once said: we have Spreen. We have Hulk. What do you have?

Luzu: I have Vegetta.

Roier: Yes? Well,

way back when they'd first announced the lovestruck marle and sharp-suited squares quest alts, I was possessed and drew these in about a day and a half. and then I immediately went to get them made as double-sided acrylic charms- so side a is classic marle and squares, and then side b is dark marle and squares's 7* uncap because why the hell not? anyway they finally arrived and I could not be more stoked aren't they so cute.