#she once texted me at 4am about horror movies and we ended up texting until 8am | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

j-exclamationmark-l · 6 years

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How I got where I am now - 16: Oirantan

I finally began to feel like I was healing. The days were busy and I still didn’t feel entirely stable financially, but I felt comfortable to eat more than plain white rice and I felt emotionally supported by January, February, April, August, September and November.

(I know I haven’t mentioned September a lot, but in the file I keep open while I write this to keep track of who I’ve given what pseudonym, I realized I mentioned him once, and despite not really affecting my story and not being one of my closest friends, he was there. And he’s still here. And I also have a name to call him by. So I figured I’ll give him credit. Thank you, September, for being here from the beginning and still being my friend today).

One day as I left my teaching job and headed to a modeling job, I messaged February. “My students told me today there’s no such thing as people with blue eyes,” I typed, giggling. “They said blue eyes are only in anime. Guess that makes you an anime character.”

As I entered the building for my next job, I got a message.

“Guess I’ll go join July’s reverse harem.”

I stopped dead in my tracks. I didn’t really understand the meaning. Or maybe I did. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions, didn’t want to be the unreasonably jealous girlfriend. I met his friend July when I visited him in Osaka. She was very pretty.

No time, I thought as I put my phone away so I could get to work.

It was a disappointing day, the stylist getting mad at me for not being upfront about my exact race. It was a rare case of them wanting a white model and me being too Asian to fit the profile.

Usually only white people tell me I’m too Asian.

When I got out, I had calmed down enough to text February back with a simple question.

“What do you mean?”

It was the start of a month-long fight. He told me to calm down, and as though he’d been wanting to say this for a long time, specified that we were definitely, definitely not dating, and I had no right to be jealous that he found July attractive.

He told me that he couldn’t be in a long-distance relationship. He reminded me that January always tried to get in the way when he visited Tokyo, he accused me of conspiring with her when she tried to stay over at my apartment when he was visiting (that's another story I don't have the energy to get into now. Whenever I invited him over, she tried to stay over as well and I don’t know why).

He threw it in my face that I was a hostess. We’d made some jokes in the beginning about my “prostitute” job (I never slept with clients, never), but he came back with full force and said being with him was my “job” like he was just another client (and if that’s the case, he never once paid me; rather, he cost me money).

When I asked about the promises he made about introducing me to his family, he said, “I thought it was just mutually assumed we were both lying and using each other.” Besides, he couldn’t date a Chinese girl, that his parents already knew his girlfriend, Ichigatsu, and adored her. He admitted to me that he’d lied about breaking up with her and begged me not to tell her.

But he still wanted to be friends, and he still tried messaging me every day, and every day, I got upset at him.

I guess I expected him to apologize. I wanted an explanation, I wanted him to acknowledge how shitty it was to take advantage of me after October and I broke up, I wanted him to apologize for calling me a whore. I wanted back that person I first met who I could talk for hours with, the person who’d saved the fan I’d given him when we first met, the person who made me feel special and wanted. I wanted to be cared about again, I wanted to hear “Good morning!” and not feel sorrow and fury boiling in my stomach. I wanted to have something to look forward to again.

He began showing his true colors. He shared with me links from some subreddit (I don’t think it was The Red Pill, but it was similar), he began using words like “Tumblrinas” and “Feminazis” to describe women (hey! That’s when I decided to create this blog!).

It took me a while, but eventually I told him I couldn’t remain friends with him any longer and unfriended him on social media.

It was painful, perhaps even more painful than breaking up with October. When I said goodbye to October, I had February by my side constantly reassuring me it was for the best and that he still cared for me, even if October didn’t.

Now I’d lost both of them.

January took it upon herself to keep me company. I was still mad at her for always trying to butt in when I’d invited February up, but not the kind of angry that I could do anything about. She wasn't really trying to be mean or ruin my relationship. When she asked to come up to Tokyo and stay with me in my apartment, I thought, “she’s trying to be nice and she’s trying to keep me from being lonely, I should let her stay.”

At first, it was kind of fun. We played video games, watched Youtube videos and movies. We drank and ate snacks. Then, at around 3 or 4AM, she’d go to sleep on the mattress on my floor, and I’d go to the kitchen so I could cry without waking her up.

One day, we decided to go visit Shinjuku. It was fun until I spotted a pile of fliers with October’s face on it. At once, I ran to the bathroom and nearly vomited. January stood by my side, asking if there was anything she could do to help.

“Yes,” I said. “Take all the fliers and throw them in the trash.”

We went back outside where I asked the store staff a question as January took the opportunity to take every last flier. We turned all October’s CDs around on the shelf for good measure, then left.

A bit later, January nudged me.

“What?” I asked.

To my horror, she pulled a pile of October’s fliers out of her bag, smiling wide.

“I saved them for you.”

“I don’t want them!” I yelled. “I don’t want to see his stupid face ever again!”

“Do you want to do the honors of throwing them away?”

“No! I don’t want to touch them!”

Things started going downhill. January continued to stay in my apartment, but our conversations decreased drastically after the first few days. Even if I suggested to visit Shibuya, she trailed behind me, playing with her phone, and didn't talk to me. We got back to my apartment and she would blast my heater, then open my door and step outside to smoke with the door open.

At first, I my plan was that we could just order takeout or pre-made food, only buying what we were going to eat, ourselves. That quickly got expensive, and I wanted to save all the money I could in case I ran into a week of no work or had an emergency I needed money for. Eventually I just bought groceries as normal and cooked, but I felt bad only cooking for myself when I had a guest, so I ended up cooking for her as well as she continued to ignore me.

Then the messages from her husband started. Despite the fact I’d never met him before, apparently he knew all about me, even things I didn’t want others knowing, from my relationship with October to my hostessing job, and he seemed to also be under the impression that the latter was basically whoring. He began messaging me daily, asking how January was doing and telling me she was ignoring his texts as she sprawled out over the mattress on my floor. No matter how much I asked her to, she never felt like replying to him. He asked me to tell her that he loved her.

Every day.

Tell her I love her.

It hurt. It really, really hurt.

I wanted to live in a void where things like love didn’t exist so I didn’t feel so empty to think I had none.

The messages continued.

Tell her I love her.

One day in January, January finally got off my floor, silently packed her suitcase, said goodbye, and that was the last I ever saw of her.

Probably that's for the best. If she had been present when I got my electric bill, I might have tried to murder her.

3 notes · View notes

moonnightyoongi · 7 years

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undo | jungkook

pairing: jungkook x reader (ft. jimin)

genre: angst, smut

word count: 5.4k

warning: contains mentions of cheating

description: you weren’t supposed to feel anything for him, especially since he already had a girlfriend.

a/n: my plan for this series (if it’s wanted) is to use songs + lyrics by the 1975 and use my interpretation to create the storyline. it’s also kind of a college/university!au.

I WANT TO SEE YOU BUT YOU’RE NOT MINE

[2:05AM]: She’s gone, come over.

You stared at it the text for a while, at least until the time ticked to 2:07am.

Should you pretend you were asleep?

No, because he would call.

Should you turn your phone off?

You run the risk of him turning up at your door and the last thing you wanted was your roommate (and long-term best friend) to find out what you were doing.

[2:08AM]: I know you’re awake, I saw your Snapchat.

You groan quietly to yourself and hit your head with your hand, why did you have to post a picture of yourself lying in bed watching the stupid horror film, that’s now kept you up?

[2:09AM]: You can never fall asleep after horror movies.

You sat up in your bed and watched as the moonlight from outside spilled into your tiny apartment bedroom, night was your favourite. The night time allowed you sit still, listen to music and have no repercussions. No one was going to barge in and tell you that you have a lecture, or that you need to clean plates or even your room. It was quiet, everywhere. People who roamed the streets barely said a word unless they were drunk, and even then it was just mindless mumbles about a girl or a boy or even a teacher who had told them they were shit.

[2:11AM] Please, I need you.

That text alone was enough for you to roll out of your bed and reach for the nearest sweater to keep you warm.

[2:13AM] I’m on my way now

[2:13AM] I’ll leave the door open for you, don’t be too long.

You crept to your bedroom door and slowly opened it, wincing at the creak it made through the quiet apartment.

“Y/N?” a voice calls and you swear quietly to yourself.

“What are you doing up?” you ask stepping into the hallway to see the light of the television blaring onto the walls.

“I can’t sleep,” Carrie says looking up over the couch and squeezing the cushion into her body more, “Are you going somewhere?”

“Yeah, I need to go to the store,” you say.

“It’s 2:15 in the morning, can’t it wait?”

“No, it’s for... school!” you exclaim grabbing your keys, “I’ll be back soon!”

“Can you get me something to help me sleep!” she calls.

“Er!” you shout but quickly shut the door so you can avoid any sort of answer. A yes would mean you would have to search the city for a 24 hour pharmacy, and a no would mean more questions you didn’t want to answer. Stepping out in the cold you shuddered slightly and questioned whether he was worth you possibly freezing to death onto your way to him, it had never been this cold before – he had never called for you at any time later than 1AM before, well except that time when he was drunk at 4AM but you refused then.

“You took your time,” he says when you shut the front door after you twenty minutes later.

“I was twenty minutes!” you say kicking your shoes off.

“You normally get here in ten.”

“Well Carrie was still awake.”

“Seriously? What did you tell her?” he asks as he watches you take your jacket off and hang it on the hook.

“That I was going to the store.”

“Did she ask you to get her something?”

“Something to help her sleep,” you groan, “But she’ll hopefully be asleep by the time I get back.”

Jungkook laughs, “Hopefully.”

“Why did she stay so late?” you ask walking towards him.

He smiles and wraps his arms around your waist, “She wanted us to spend time together before her tests start.”

“Ah, her tests start the same time as mine,” you tell him.

“Damn, I won’t get to see her or you,” he says.

“You’ll get to see me,” you smile biting your lip, “I’m guessing she’s one to spend all her time revising?”

“She is.”

“I am not,” you tell him as you lean up to kiss him, your arms wrapping around his neck so he would lean down.

“Good, I don’t think I could go without seeing you,” he whispers as you both walk backwards down his hall.

“I don’t think I could go without seeing you either,” you whisper as he turns you to walk into his bedroom.

“Do you have to go home tonight?”

“Yes, Carrie will ask questions,” you tell him as you fall back onto his bed.

“Is there no way I could change your mind?” he asks kissing your neck. You adjust your position and let out a tiny sigh as he lips move slowly on the spot he knew you liked.

“Hmm, maybe,” you whisper moving your head to the side so you could capture your lips into his. You feel him smile as he fiddles with the end of your sweater,

“Then get this off,” he whispers pulling away slightly so he could pull his white t-shirt over his head, you smile at him and laugh slightly as you throw your sweater into the corner of his room.

“Every time I see you, you are wearing a white shirt,” you tell him as you get on your knees and wrap your arms around his neck.

“Because they’re my favourite.”

“So if I ever fuck up, I can just buy you a white shirt and you’ll forgive me?” you ask with a smile as you kiss his neck.

He hums and presses his body against yours, “You won’t ever fuck up baby.”

“Hmm, we’ll see about that,” you whisper running your hands down his abs and stopping at the waist band of his sweatpants.

“I guess we will have to see about that,” he smiles running his hands up and down your sides, “So, are you supposed to be revising right now?”

“Nah, I’m good.”

“Really?” he laughs staring at you, “Because she left so she could revise.”

“She’s a good girl.”

“Are you a bad girl?” he asks.

“Only bad at school,” you laugh, “When are you tests?”

“I’ve had them,” he whispers leaning forward to kiss you, “Can we stop talking now?”

“You started the conversation,” you whisper laughing as his breath tickled your neck. He rolls his eyes and presses himself against you again.

“Shut up,” he smiles kissing your harshly. Your hands wrap around his neck and you find yourself running your fingers through his hair as he leans you back onto his bed. This sheets smelt like the aftershave he always wore – the strong scent that even when another person was wearing your mind would suddenly think of him.

He unbuttons your jeans and pulls them down your leg, groaning when they get stuck, “I hate skinny jeans.”

You laugh at him as he finally gets them off and throws them onto the floor with a huff, “Wear a skirt or something next time, it’s easier.”

You roll your eyes, “You’re acting like it’s the first time taking off jeans.”

“Well wear another pair then, are they new or something?”

You laugh, “You told me to shut up before and now you’re starting an argument!”

“I’m not arguing!”

“Yes you are!” you giggle leaning forward and grabbing the necklace he always wore, “Jungkook. Shut up and just kiss me, it’s nearly 3AM. If you keep talking I’ll fall asleep on you.”

“No you won’t,” he smiles, “I’ll just wake you up.”

“I’ll just kick you away.”

“I’ll just remind you of the film you watched,” he says.

Your eyes narrow, “You wouldn’t.”

“I would,” he smirks kissing your nose, “Don’t break my necklace baby girl.”

“I won’t,” you say letting it go. You hear his phone ring loudly from the end of the room and freeze, “That’s her ringtone.”

“Leave it. I’ll pretend to be asleep,” he whispers.

“What if she’s on her way back?”

He looks at you and shakes his head, “Princess, when did you get so paranoid?”

You stared at him and shrugged your shoulders, pretending not you know. But you did know. You got paranoid when you realised that if she found out then it was the end of the two of you, the person you could talk to about anything, the person you could sleep with without having to creep out the next day and avoid at school, gone.

“Answer the phone,” you tell him.

“No, it’s a mood killer.”

“I can make the mood again, trust me,” you say pushing him away from you, “Answer it.”

He groans and runs to the corner of the room to answer the phone, “Hey.”

You stared at him once more as he spoke to her, his vein popping from the side of his neck as she argued about something with him, probably about her roommate who always seemed to be having a party or was passed out drunk on a kitchen counter or dining room table.

“I gotta go,” Jungkook says as he watched you walk around the room looking at the things that filled his wall and shelves.

Turning to look at him you smiled as he turned his phone off and threw it on the floor, “What was the problem?”

“Her roommate was passed out on her bed,” Jungkook says leaning against the wall and taking in your figure.

“Ah,” you hum and laugh, “Hasn’t she heard of a couch, or even her roommate’s bed?”

“I think it was just an excuse to come back to me,” he tells you.

You laugh, “Should I go then? Is she on her way?”

“No, I told her I was up early for practice.”

“She’ll be so angry when she finds out you don’t have early practice.”

“Who says I don’t?” he challenges walking towards you.

“You should probably sleep otherwise you’ll be getting hit by footballs all day, like last time,” you joke.

“That was your fault.”

“What did I do?”

“Kept me up all night.”

“What makes you think I won’t do that tonight?”

“Because you’ll be too tired to,” he whisper picking you up and placing you on his desk.

“You wish,” you scoff laughing.

He gets on his knees and looks up at you with a mischievous smile, “Do you want a bet?”

“Are you offering one?” you ask leaning forwards.

“Are you accepting one?”

“Stop answering my question with a question.”

“What are you going to do about it?” he jokes; you laugh and shake your head.

“Fine. Let’s have a bet.”

“Okay, what is it?”

“If you tire me out after one round, I will do whatever you want.”

“And if I lose?”

“Then I get to ignore your texts for a week,” you laugh, “You’ll be so needy.”

“I can go somewhere else.”

“Yeah, but you won’t,” you whisper kissing him. He hums as he moves his lips down your neck and in between the valley of your breasts.

“Deal,” he whispers pulling your panties down and throwing them behind him.

“Good luck,” you laugh before you gasp slightly as he kisses your clit and pulls away.

“This will be fun,” he whispers breathing softly on your thighs and spreading them wider. His hands wrap around your sides and pull you closer with a small smile playing on his lips.

“We argued, I answered the phone, you walked around looking at my stuff and you’re still wet?” he questions running his finger up your slit and making you stutter on your words, “What was that?”

“Nothing,” you whisper resting your head on the wall behind you.

“Thought so,” he smiles resting his arm on your thigh and just staring at you, “I like that you have this reaction to just seeing me.”

“Shut up.”

“No,” he smiles running his finger up your slit once more, “I like how you react to me doing something so simple too.”

You roll your eyes at him, “You’re boring me.”

“I never bore you,” he say looking at you, you smile at him and shake your head.

“Yes you do, all the ti-,” you begin before you are interrupted by him running his hands up and down your thigh.

“Do you want to finish that sentence?”

You shake your head as he smiles and sighs, “I suppose if I want to win I’ll have to do something.”

“Wow, I’m so close already. You’re dirty talk is amazing,” you say sarcastically. He laughs as he continues to run his hands up and down your thighs.

“Are you warm?”

“Jungkook what is wrong with you? You never prolong... well anything!” you shout.

He stands up and looks at you, “Are you getting impatient with me?”

“Yes, a little,” you say getting off his desk, “I might just leave.”

He steps aside, “Go then.”

You roll your eyes as you step around him and make your way towards your underwear near the door.

“What a waste,” you mutter before you feel arms wrap around your waist and press you harshly against the door.

“What did you say?” he whispers harshly making your breathing quicken.

“I said, what a waste,” you repeat.

“Do I need to prove to you that time spent with me is never a waste?” he asks.

“Go on,” you whisper looking him in the eye as they darken and he laughs darkly, his hands running down the side of your body before stopping at your thighs and picking you up, your back pressed tightly against the door and his body pressed firmly on your front.

He leans forward and starts to kiss your neck as he carries you towards the bed.

“Don’t say a word,” he says, “You have to stay quiet.”

You nod your head and looking at his ceiling while he moves around the room before returning.

“Arms above your head,” he says.

Your eyes widen as you see a tie in his hand.

“Jungkook what are you doing?”

“Tying your hands together to the bed,” he says. You bite your lip and raise your arms above your head.

“Okay,” you smile. He kisses you quickly before tying the knot tightly.

“Not too tight?”

“No, it’s fine,” you confirm as you wiggle on his bed between his legs.

“I’m definitely going to win this bet,” he whispers leaning down to wrap his mouth around your breast. You let out a small breath as his other hand played with the other.

“Jungkook,” you moan.

“No speaking,” he says before switching his mouth and hand. It took everything in you to stay quiet and subtly rub your legs together.

“No rubbing your legs,” he mumbles looking up at you. You suppress your groan as he begins to kiss down your stomach and move your legs apart.

“This is my favourite time,” he whispers looking at you, his hand rubbing your thigh gently.

You nod your head at him as you move slightly.

“You’re so beautiful.”

You bite back your smile and shake your head.

“What? Not going to speak?”

You roll your eyes.

“Wow, you really do listen to what I tell you to do.”

You nod your head and look at him.

“I wish everyone was like you.”

You roll your eyes once more.

“I suppose you’re getting bored of all this waiting.”

You don’t respond.

“I’m not. I like seeing you roll your eyes,” he mumbles running his finger up and down your clit.

You bite your lip at the feeling of his finger making your orgasm approach.

“You rolling your eyes is my favourite thing about you. I like that you don’t take my shit.”

You pull your hands towards your head as you orgasm builds.

“I like that you always do what I tell you to do. But I also like it when you ignore what I say,” he says moving his finger quickly and watching as you squirmed.

“I like the sound of my name leaving your lips when you cum,” he says, “Are you going to ignore what I said and scream my name when you cum?”

You shake your head.

“Well that’s no good,” he sighs stopping his finger and resting it on his leg.

You groan and look at him with puppy dog eyes.

“Tell me what you want me to do,” he says.

You knew it was a trick, he always tricked you. If you spoke he would leave you like this all night as a punishment.

You see a smile appear on his lips as he crawled up to be face to face with you, his necklace resting on your chest as he was practically face to face.

“You’re being a good girl tonight,” he whispers, “That’s unusual for you.”

You roll your eyes and lean up, “Do you want me to be bad?” you whisper seductively in his ear as you slide yours hands out of the tie and flip him over so he’s underneath you.

“For a football player you’re terrible at knots. I mean, I know it’s unrelated but if you’re athletic I thought you’d be able to tie a strong knot,” you say using all your strength to keep him pressed down on the bed. He groans as you look at the time.

“It’s nearly 3:30AM, we’ve been doing this for nearly an hour,” you sigh, “I’m getting impatient.”

He runs his hands up and down your thighs, “Let’s do it.”

“I don’t know, I’m tired,” you sigh jokingly as you roll off him and get under his covers.

He sighs and you hear him fiddle before sliding in next to you – naked.

“If you’re tired then let’s just sleep,” he whispers moving the hair from your neck.

“Night Jungkook,” you whisper closing your eyes before shivering slightly when you felt his breath on your neck and his body pressed against yours. Turning over to face him you smile at him as he stares at you.

“You okay princess?” he smirks; you pull the covers down to reveal your chest and stretch.

“I’m warm,” you lie turning to look at him, only to see that his eyes are already staring at your chest.

“You could be warmer,” he whispers looking up at you. You lean forward and kiss him harshly as you roll on top of him.

“Tie my hands up properly and do it properly,” you whisper, “I’m yours tonight.”

He licks his lips and runs his fingertips up the arch of your back.

“I’m yours tonight too,” he whispers flipping you over and retying your hands, tighter than before. You smirk as he put his hand in the side of his drawer and returns with a condom.

“Okay,” he whispers, “You okay?”

You nod your head and bite your lip as he adjusts himself and stares at you.

“I’m good,” you tell him.

“If you need me to stop-,” Jungkook begins.

“I know,” you giggle. He smiles and push into you slowly, his arm by the side of your head. You watched as it tensed and the vein began to pop out, the look of it alone turning you on even more – if it was possible. Jungkook started to slowly thrust in and out of you.

“Faster,” you request and soon you find yourself creating friction with the mattress underneath you. He uses one hand to grip the side of your body as he quicken his pace once more, your legs wrapping around his back for a better position.

“Fuck,” you hiss, your hands still tied to the bed but fighting to escape so you could grip him closer to you.

“Shit,” you hear him whisper.

“There!” you scream as he hits your g-spot and you see him smile at you as he quickens his pace once more, not moving an inch to the left or the right. You find yourself whispering his name repeatedly as he grunts.

Your legs begin to shake as your orgasm hits and he continues to thrust quickly, his following shortly after with him muttering your name.

His body falls on top of yours as the first sight of light shown through his window. Your eyes watch with amazement as the sky began to turn a light shade of grey, the sign that night was fading.

“Here,” Jungkook says reaching up to untie your wrists.

“Thanks,” you whisper moving them around to get some of the feeling back.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, you?”

“Great,” he smiles kissing you and lying down next to you.

“The sun is coming up.”

“It’s 4AM.”

“It’s summer,” you remind him.

“Doesn’t feel like it at night.”

“That’s because there’s no sun,” you laugh, “Only the moon.”

“That didn’t feel like half an hour,” he whispers.

“Time flies when you’re having fun,” you laugh turning to face him, a smile forming on your lips as the morning sun started to shine on his tired features, “Tired?”

“A little bit, you?”

“Really tired,” you whisper.

“I win.”

“Neither of us wins, we’re both tired.”

He rolls his eyes, “Don’t be a sore loser.”

“I am not!” you laugh shocked.

“Yes you are! I won, admit it!”

“No!”

“Yes! Admit it!” he declares tickling your sides and making you squirm in the bed.

“Fine! You win! What do you want?”

“I want to have sex somewhere.... adventurous,” he says.

“Okay, deal. Where?”

“Bathroom.”

“Your bathroom? It’s literally right there.”

“No, your bathroom,” he says, “When your roommate is home.”

“Whoa, I thought we agreed no-one was supposed to know.”

“I know,” he says rolling his eyes, “I’ll sneak in.”

“You look at him and groan, “Deal. But if we get caught, it’s your fault.”

“She’s your friend, what is she going to do?”

“Give me a lecture.”

“For fucking in your bathroom?”

“For fucking a boy with a girlfriend,” you say. He takes your hand in his and begins to play with it, almost as if he’s trying to ignore what you had just said. As if it was something he never wanted to discuss.

“Jungkook,” you whisper.

“Hmm?” he hums looking at you.

“Don’t you ever feel bad?”

“About?”

“About cheating on her,” you reply.

“All the time,” he sighs dropping your hand on the bed but reaching to hold it again, “But I just can’t seem to stay away from you.”

“I can’t stay away from you either,” you whisper.

“Then we’re both fucked.”

“That’s the point,” you joke trying to lighten the mood.

He laughs, “Jimin knows.”

“What?” you ask sitting up abruptly.

“Jimin knows?”

“How? Did you tell him?” you ask.

He looks down and sighs sitting up to face you, “I was drunk, like unbelievably drunk.”

“So you just told him?” you snap.

“I didn’t mean to! He said he was going to take me to Ja-,” he begins.

“Don’t say her name!” you interject quickly. You didn’t know her name, you didn’t want to know her name, you wanted to be completely disassociated to her.

“To hers,” he corrects, “But I told him to take me to yours.”

“Where is he tonight then?” you ask.

“A party.”

“A party at 4AM?”

“He’s probably with some girl,” Jungkook says, “Would I have text you to come over if I knew he was going to come home?”

“I can’t believe you told him.”

“I didn’t mean to!” he shouts watching as you stood up, “Where are you going?”

“Home.”

“Y/N come on, just stay the night.”

“No.”

“It’s too late to walk home.”

“Was it too late for me to walk here?” you ask him as you tied the button of your jeans. He doesn’t say anything and you shake your head.

“Exactly,” you huff, “Once one person knows Jungkook, we run the risk of others knowing.”

“He won’t tell anyone.”

“You better hope he doesn’t,” you mumble walking out of the apartment with a loud bang.

***

You don’t speak to Jungkook for over a week before you see him again. Carrie had invited you to a party, well dragged you to a party, and he was the first thing you saw as you stepped into the apartment. You should have known it was his, hell you had been to it enough in the dark, but you kept your head hung low till you stepped in the apartment and made eye contact with him. He smiled but all you did was drag Carrie to the kitchen for a drink.

“Don’t drink too much, I hate dragging you home,” Carrie tells you as you down three shots.

“Shut up and have fun,” you mumble sliding a shot towards her.

She rolls her eyes and mumbles thanks as Jimin walks into the room, his eyes meeting yours. It was also the first time seeing Jimin since you had found out that he knew about you and Jungkook.

“Hey Carrie, Y/N,” Jimin smiles.

“Hi Jimin, where’s Jin?” Carrie asks.

He laughs, “In the living room by the window, he’s complaining about the smoke.”

“Of course he is,” she chuckles quickly leaving the kitchen and leaving you with Jimin in the process.

“Hi,” he says.

“Hi,” you say pouring another shot and drinking it quickly.

“How have you been?”

“Good, you?”

“Good,” he whispers.

“I know you know,” you tell him.

His eyes widen and he fidgets on the spot he is standing in, “Oh.”

“Here,” you say handing two shot glasses full of vodka, “Drink.”

“Thanks.”

“We need to talk, let’s go to your room,” you tell him.

“Okay,” he says wincing at the hard liquor going down his throat.

“We’ll need this,” you say bringing the bottle of vodka with you and glasses. You pass Jungkook on the way and look at him with a blank stare.

“What are you doing?” he hisses quietly following you subtly as Jimin walks ahead.

“Speaking to him,” you respond rushing away from him and closer to Jimin.

“So,” Jimin says locking his door and turning to face you as you jumped on his bed and dropped the bottle and glasses.

“So,” you groan, “You must think lowly of me.”

“No,” he says, “Well, a little bit.”

“I don’t blame you,” you groan pouring another shot, “I can barely look in the mirror some days.”

“Then why do you continue?” he asks taking another shot with you.

You look at him, the glass pressed against your lips, “I don’t know,” and the liquid falls down your neck, the sting making you feel comforted.

Hours later you were both giggling messes on his bed, “He didn’t!”

“He did!” Jimin laughs, “I had to put his shower curtain back up because it went down with him!”

You laugh loudly and roll over to face him, “Thank you.”

“What for?”

“I don’t know,” you say resting your chin in your palm, “Just thank you.”

“Is it for getting you drunk?” he laughs sitting up, “Because if so then thank you to you too.”

You scrunch your nose and laugh, “You’re welcome.”

“You deserve so much better,” Jimin whispers, his face oddly close to yours.

“What do you mean?”

“You deserve to be someone’s only one.”

You hum, “That sounds nice.”

“Then why do you still go with Jungkook?”

You groan, “Like I said, it’s hard to say.”

“Go on, tell me the reason.”

You shake your head, “I don’t know the reason. I just do.”

“That’s not true.”

“Jimin, baby,” you smile putting your hand on his shoulder, “When I know, I’ll tell you.”

He smiles tiredly at you as you flip your hair to one side and maintain eye contact with him.

“What?” you whisper.

He leans forward and kisses you gently.

Your mind goes blank for a moment; all the thoughts that once clouded your head vanished as all you could focus on was how good Jimin’s lips felt against yours.

He pulls away and sighs, “I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

“I shouldn’t have kissed you, we’re drunk,” he says. You pout before standing up and fixing your dress.

“If you feel that way, then I should go before I kiss you,” you tell him as you walk towards his door and open it. You step into the hallway and take a deep breath, the amount of people at the party seemed to have doubled in the hours you and Jimin had spent talking and drinking.

Turning on your heel you quickly stop when you see two bodies pressed against each other.

“Y/N,” Jimin whispers putting his hands on your waist.

“Holy shit,” you whisper, “Is that, is that her?”

“Come back into my room,” Jimin says.

“Oh my God,” you mumble, your eyes catching Jungkook’s as you run back into Jimin’s room.

“Are you okay?” Jimin asks.

“The room is spinning.”

“Sit with your head in between your legs,” he says locking the door and crouching down in front of you.

“Oh my God,” you repeat once more.

“What is it?”

“It’s real.”

“What is?”

“I’m really helping someone cheat.”

“You know that,” Jimin frowns.

“No, I know!” you cry, “But seeing her just then, it hit me!”

“Oh,” he whispers.

“I didn’t know who she was, I didn’t know her name, she was just this person – a thing to me. But now I see her, it just – it hit me.”

“I get you,” Jimin says.

“I can’t keep doing this with him,” you whisper.

“What?” Jimin frowns.

“I can’t, I can’t. She’s a real person, I’ve just seen her. She’s a real person, she has feelings, she has boyfriend who she thinks loves her and is loyal. Oh my God, I feel terrible. How could I do this? How could I do this to that poor girl, how could I help him cheat all those times! What’s wrong with me? Why do I have to have what other’s have,” you mumble.

“Hey, deep breaths. Are you panicking? I’ll open a window,” he says jumping up and opening the window, the sound of the busy street filling the room.

“Jimin, what’s wrong with me?” you ask, “That poor girl.”

“It’s okay,” Jimin says.

“It’s not. I’m a terrible person. I do not deserve sympathy or kindness right now.”

“You made a mistake.”

“I should have stopped when I found out, why did I continue? I’m a horrible person,” you cry.

“We all make mistakes.”

“Don’t try to make this out like a mistake Jimin!” you cry, “This is worse than a mistake, this is horrible. This is a sin!”

“It’s okay.”

“I can’t continue. I cannot hurt her like this. I can’t.”

“Then stop whatever is going on.”

“I’m going to. I’m definitely going to,” you say nodding your head and looking at Jimin, “It just go so real in my head.”

“It’s okay, I understand,” he says wiping the tears from your cheeks, “Deep breaths.”

You let out a long sigh and look at him, “Sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

“You must think I’m so hypocritical.”

“Yeah, a little,” he laughs. You laugh with him and shake your head.

“I can’t believe I did this to someone.”

“It’s okay.”

“It stops right now.”

“Good.”

“Yeah it is.”

“Yeah!”

“I can do it!”

“Yes you can!”

“Right?” you ask unsure.

“Of course you can,” Jimin reassures.

“Thank you,” you say hugging him tightly.

“You’re welcome.”

***

The next morning you wake up to small sounds.

“Jimin?” you whisper shaking him awake.

“Hmm?” he hums opening his eyes and rubbing them.

“What’s that noise?” you ask yawning and stretching, noticing how big Jimin’s clothes were on you.

“What noise?”

The noise is made again and you suddenly realise.

“Are they?” you ask him.

“Yeah,” he whispers looking at you.

“I’m going to be sick,” you say jumping up, “I need to leave.

“Jungkook!” the voice screams. You hunch over and cover your ears as Jimin runs towards you.

“What’s wrong?”

“Jimin,” you whisper, tears falling.

“What is it?” he asks, “Last night you said you were done with him.”

“I realise why I can’t stay away,” you cry.

“Why?”

“I want to see him but he’s not mine,” you whisper looking at him.

writing | message | part two

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