#she doesn’t know i have this blog but she DOES know it’s my current hyperfixation 😭 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

titsgirlbuffy · 1 year

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hey sorry if you've gotten a million alerts about me liking way too many of your posts!! i'm currently rewatching Buffy and Angel for the first time in over a decade (i first watched both shows between ages 10 and 13 so this has been an eye opening rewatch) and the hyperfixation has returned big time! I've been scouring the internet for meta and all of yours that i've read resonate with me a lot.

if you ever feel like writing them out (no pressure of course!) i'd love to read some more of your gay Wesley thoughts -- i've also always read him as gay, and i have such a strange time going into his tag on tumblr because soooo much of it is Wes/Lilah content. i'm particularly curious about your thoughts on how a gay reading of Wesley impacts his storylines with Lilah, Fred, and maybe Virginia. also sorry if all this is weird from a non-Buffy-blog stranger!!

Omg Thank You for sending this! It’s been sitting in my inbox for a while cause I needed to actually think about it in words rather than just. Autistic screeching. And also cause I wanted to see more of the Wesley/Lilah relationship to make sure my first thoughts weren’t totally baseless (if anything they’re being proven further). Just watched Apocalypse Now-ish so there’s probably later stuff I’d add in if I’d seen the whole show.

I’m really surprised by how many fans read him as straight (no offense but we have different eyes). Wesley’s coded as queer pretty often – part of it’s just the queer-coding of the Buffyverse supernatural in general (see This Old Gang of Mine for a questionable but really clear-cut example), but there’s also tons where it’s him specifically (in Sanctuary where the council’s kill squad call him out on his “perverted” relationship with Angel and also call him a ponce, Wesley stopping Angel in that same episode before the fight to make sure he knows he gave up a chance to go home and be accepted by his father and culture For Angel, multiple times in season one when outsiders assume he and Angel are together, that time Angel gets possessed by an old guy who assumes Wesley is his boyfriend and tries to let him down gently but freaks out when Wesley goes to touch him… etc etc etc). Plus the way he looked up to Angel in early seasons absolutely comes across as a crush, he and Gunn were So into each other but Wesley especially was repressed about it (running theme, man radiates internalised homophobia), and all his relationships with women… well, there’s Layers going on.

So his early relationship with Cordelia was the first time (if you don’t count just. Looking at him) I solidly thought Wesley must be gay, rather than any other label. To me that’s absolutely a comphet relationship on his part. The crucial parts of the Cordelia/Wesley relationship is that 1. He sees himself as “a bad, bad man” for wanting to pursue anything with Cordelia, and as such 2. She is completely unattainable, but 3. When it’s proven that she’s Not unobtainable actually, the relationship falls apart the instant they try to do anything about it. He’s attracted to Cordelia because it’s a safely straight crush where he’s not Allowed to actually follow through on anything (and panics the moment he does anyway), and to an extent because a relationship would give him a reason to stay in California.

I headcanon Wesley as actually working out that he’s gay between seasons 1 and 2 – purely because he’s the one who introduces the group to Caritas and was visiting it between seasons, which… do I need to explain why Caritas is a gay bar? Please feel to ask me to explain that if anyone doesn’t get it, but for now, trust me, as a frequenter of gay karaoke bars, Caritas is 100% a gay karaoke bar. This is also around the time he starts dressing differently, stops wearing multi-piece fully buttoned suits year round in California. He’s getting more comfortable being himself.

Which all makes his relationship with Virginia really interesting. They met when he was mimicking Angel’s Straight Man Persona (literally in the same episode where Angel was getting therapy and being told that his manly persona is an act and that it’s hurting him. Yeah), and I’m not totally sure if she was a beard or a purposefully chosen Public Relationship. She was a billionaire socialite – again, Wesley’s internalised homophobia is off the charts, and this is a relationship that got into the papers (and would definitely get back to his family, if they made any effort to look). Sidenote, I’m genuinely certain that he was just homeless until they got together. Wesley is established as Broke™, starts dating a billionaire, and suddenly has a large swank apartment? In LA? I am simply drawing connections. So yeah, while I’m undecided about how much Virginia knew this, their relationship reads as one based on public persona and just social climbing generally.

Fred’s the most complicated of his relationships with women. The rivalry with Gunn is probably a part of it, but actually I think a bigger part is Billy. As in, Billy, the guy who made any guy who touched him (or his blood, sorry Wes) become violently misogynistic. Side eyeing the writers for that one, but still, it Really fucked Wesley up. Fred was fine, she doesn’t blame him, but after the spell wore off Wesley literally hid in his room for a week then told her “I don’t know what kind of man I am anymore” then Cut His Hair Short Again. Some sort of closeness to Fred had been alluded to before this (protecting her in This Old Gang Of Mine despite her very much being able to protect herself, suddenly being given an interest in science despite being a linguist), but that was really the turning point for this being a textual Attraction. Even then, similar to the Cordelia thing, Wesley never makes a move (assuring everyone who asked that he would when he was ready. Okay), and when he talks about it, it’s an attraction to a Fred that literally doesn’t exist.

Fred doesn’t need anyone making a shovel talk on her behalf – she can and will just kill them herself (at the point I’m at, she and Gunn might break up because He killed someone when she’d wanted to do it on her own). There was a great moment when Lilah dressed up as “Fred”, complete with schoolgirl outfit and glasses, and the shot cut to Fred, hair down, glasses free, ready to hunt a ghost with Gunn. The irony is that the Fred who actually Does exist has way more in common with Wesley (it’s honestly just the gender that’s the issue here), but in a combo of self hatred and need to redeem himself post-Billy, Wesley’s created this sweet innocent young scientist who he needs to Protect™. Is that love? Well, he didn’t make a move when he thought it was.

I can see why people like his relationship with Lilah. They’re awful. Literally the first time they slept together it was because Wesley was So depressed and was hoping he wouldn’t regret it until the morning (didn’t work. Regretted it instantly). He doesn’t have a job, and Lilah’s trying to recruit him to W&H. I said, the second time we saw them on screen, that he was prostituting himself. I was joking! But uh. Canon jokes about how “giving” Lilah is. Expensive bribes (“gifts”, Lilah insists) Wesley could never afford. He makes a bet with her for ONE DOLLAR, loses, she MAKES HIM SIGN THE DOLLAR, and then LEAVES IT WITH HIM. They’re in bed for this. I just. I was joking. I wasn’t expecting an actual scene of them in bed with a dollar bill between them. What the fuck. Anyway, that aside, he really does just hate himself right now, tangibly depressed post-baby-theft, and Lilah is There. Caritas doesn’t exist any more and there’s no plausible deniability in a non-demon gay bar.

Thanks again for reading my stuff @lostupst8 <3 never apologise for spamming me, I crave attention

#ats #wesley wyndam pryce #I'm probably missing a bunch of stuff but I Will post about this again #do ask any clarifying questions #my ask box is forever open #buffyverse #meta #angel the series #btvs #buffy the vampire slayer

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mollysails · 1 month

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☆ hi! i’m molly! welcome to my blog! ☆

☆ about me:

she/they || queer || spanish || eng/esp || 19

(sometimes i might rb something nsfw so please 18+) (it doesn’t happen that often but still. stay away)

i LOVE watching films and tv shows

writing has been a passion of mine since i was little, and I’ve written short stories that I’ve won a couple of awards for! I’ve also recently started writing poems! I’ve never posted them anywhere though, and I don’t know if I ever will, since I’m a little protective of my writing

i LOVE theater! I’ve been in a couple of plays in the past and I love acting with my entire heart and soul, even if I’m a little shy about it. it’s been a while since I last acted but I’d love to again! ever since I was little I dreamt of becoming an actress, although it’s not something I’m pursuing as a professional career anymore

☆ current hyperfixation:

musical theatre! (this is one of the big ones, it tends to come back quite often) especially Beetlejuice the Musical!

☆ fandoms i’m in:

musicals (starkid productions, something rotten, legally blonde, school of rock, beetlejuice… and many more!!) || bullet train || good omens || top gun || what we do in the shadows || school spirits || stranger things (fuck noah schn*pp tho) || hellaverse || kingsman || scott pilgrim || spider-man || deadpool || moon knight || daredevil || guardians of the galaxy (and a lot more marvel stuff even if I’ve distanced myself from it a little) || some anime even though its been a long time (bnha, jshk, saiki k, the great pretender…) || the good place || the umbrella academy || queen || welcome to nightvale… AND SO MUCH MORE

☆ things you should know about my blog:

when i say that this is a multifandom blog, i mean it. i frequently change fandoms and get into new things, and my posts and reblogs will reflect that, but just because i get into a new fandom doesn’t mean I’m getting OUT of another! trust me, they ALWAYS come back. always.

this blog supports lgbtq+, bipoc and disabled people and other oppressed minorities, and it does not stand for genocide. if you don’t agree with this please get out of my blog

☆ other fun facts!:

my favourite colour is pink

my favourite song is Vienna by Billy Joel

my top 4 films on letterboxd are (in no particular order): The Nice Guys, Into The Spider-Verse, The Banshees Of Inisherin and The Royal Tenenbaums

i have two pomeranians

soy de graná!! (andalucía mi patria españa mi castigo)

i speak english with a thick british accent (because I’m cool like that) ((it’s actually a pretty long story but it’s just what comes naturally to me at this point 🤩))

my username is a play on my real name (or parts of it at least) transposed to english!!

as of the latest edition of this post, i have seen 18 musicals, out of which only 3 have been live (hehe)

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luvbuggyyy · 1 year

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hey there! I’m bug, she/they, 18+ and I’m knee-deep in steddie! I made this blog in case anyone wanted to screech at me about my fics, but also just to have a space dedicated to my current hyperfixation! I’ll update this lil pinned with my current works and my WIPs as they change :)

uhhh I don’t have a DNI or anything but just. Be kind to me and each other. That’s pretty much it.

Disclaimer (which is also posted on all of my fics lol): I haven’t actually seen a lick of stranger things (yet). I’m insane. Sometimes my writer brain and neurodivergence fuse and let me understand 70-85% of a character without even glancing at their source material. I just know actually watching the show will make me worse. I do intend to watch it, but I’m trying to get the hyperfixation to calm down a little before I even attempt it. Regardless, if you give my fics a chance, I hope you enjoy them! I have fun writing them. Check em out below!

Last updated: 12/16/22

ao3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luvbuggy/pseuds/luvbuggy

In Progress

girl, put your records on - currently two chapters, 11k+

“Off the Record,” Eddie groans, slapping his hand to his face. “If that’s not the cheesiest shit I’ve ever seen—“

“I know, but you’re gonna love the employee discount.” She pulls on his arm until he stumbles after her.

They peruse the store for a bit. They’ve got Wham playing on the overhead speakers and while Eddie does manage not to vomit, he doesn’t bother suppressing a giant eyeroll.

He’s gonna be a snob if he works here. He knows it. He’s right to be a snob. Music is for everyone in theory, but it’s supposed to have meaning and soul, not just a catchy chorus or synth or whatever the fuck. It’s supposed to have a message. People don’t get that anymore. What’s the point of music if it doesn’t rock you to your core? A good song changes the world. Music is the universal human connector.

But, here’s the thing. He has a heart. And Chrissy’s beaming at him with wide, sparkling eyes, an ABBA record in her hands, and his heart tells him to do whatever the fuck she wants. Even if it means choking back his snob-hood. Normal!AU where Eddie would follow his best friend anywhere, including into hell--AKA Starcourt.

in the dead of night (love bites, love bites) - 3/8 chapters, 29k+

Steve bolts upright as his breathing kicks into high gear. His hand finds his bat’s handle and within seconds he’s creeping further into the house. Everything is still dark and empty, just as he left it. He creaks down the stairs.

Thud. Thud.

The front door.

He gives the bat a quick spin, warming up his wrists. No way it’s Robin or any of the kids, they would’ve called or been yelling for him by now. There’s nothing outside but silence and the dull impacts, like something heavy’s relentlessly colliding with the door.

He tiptoes down the stairs. The door shakes in its frame. He gingerly undoes the latch, takes a few quick breaths, and throws the door open, raising his bat to swing.

Standing in the doorway is a creature that looks frighteningly like Eddie Munson.

WIPs/ideas bouncing in my brain like the windows screensaver

- future fruity four (ronance + steddie) where they get married to beard for each other. exploring what it means to build a home with and for the ones you love. normal au romcom vibes + background drumcheer - in progress

- first kill au (i’m insane for this one truly). not a one to one au but more the vibes of their universe. undercover legacy vamp eddie falls head over heels for monster hunter steve, sworn into the guild by adoptive dad and hunter Hopper. background ronance ft werewolf robin. modern au. - still cooking

- peter pan pirate au (sighs loudly). Prince Steven’s shitty little life turns upside down thanks to a mischievous, handsome Devil of a pirate and his band of scrappy thieves. ft ronance - in progress

#my fic #steveddie #steddie #stranger things #bug speaks #hiiiiiiii #idk how to tag this lol

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introverted-scribblings · 2 years

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A shy and introverted S/O

So I'm back on a bit of a Legend of Zelda kick right now 😅

I promise I will get to my requests, and I'm not done with Creepypasta, I just felt like expanding my blog a bit with my current hyperfixation.

Anyway, here's Zelda, Urbosa, and Link with a shy and introverted S/O! I hope you enjoy!!

Zelda (botw):

[Pre-Calamity]

Zelda doesn’t mind your shy and quiet nature one bit.

She finds it to be quite adorable at times.

However, when you’re being talked over or having trouble in large crowds, it hurts her heart.

It’s then that she uses her status as Princess of Hyrule to make sure you’re being heard.

(Or to get you out of the crowd if that’s what you need)

Her favorite moments with you are the moments when you’re alone together.

She loves listening to you talk about your passions when you’re comfortable enough to do so.

And of course, you extend her the same courtesy.

Studying the history of the land or simply reading together, the two of you enjoy your time together.

And while Zelda’s appointed knight must stand nearby, Link doesn’t intrude on your time together.

Zelda helps you push your comfort zone little by little, but she would never push you too far and knows that you’d tell her if boundaries were crossed.

Overall, she’s just happy that she gets to see you shine at your brightest with her.

Urbosa (botw):

[Pre-Calamity]

Urbosa isn’t afforded the opportunity to be an introvert (I don’t think she would want to be one either).

Being the Chief of the Gerudo, she has a lot of responsibilities that encourage her to put herself out there and be the one in charge.

Which is why she finds it refreshing to spend time with her quiet s/o!

She adores your shy nature and often teases you gently about it if only to see your blushing face.

Seeing you so flustered is endearing to her, no doubt.

She likes finding activities for the two of you to do when she has the time. Anything from cooking together to sand seal surfing across the desert.

Sometimes though, she simply doesn’t have the time for a day off from being the Chief.

When that happens, she enjoys simply having you with her as she does her work.

She’ll talk about what’s going on in the world of politics, or perhaps she’s explaining her strategy of how to defend Gerudo Town from the Yiga Clan’s attacks.

No matter what, she’ll listen to you if you have input. She values your insight.

And when the work is done and it’s just the two of you, she’ll hold you tight and remind you just how much she loves and appreciates you.

Link (botw):

[Post-Calamity]

Link isn’t exactly shy, but he is quiet.

You two connected that way, somehow creating your own silent language that only the two of you could understand.

He’s honestly a little relieved that you’re on the introverted side of things. His life is so hectic, that it’s a welcome reprieve to have a s/o who is so calming.

He does love adventure and would love to show you everything he’s seen across Hyrule, but he also welcomes the time you two spend together just sitting in your home.

He isn’t often afforded the opportunity to rest.

What irritates him though is when you’re trying to speak, trying to push past your shy nature, and you get ignored or talked over.

He has jumped in numerous times to make sure you can get your point across.

When the two of you are alone, he tends to ramble. He wants to tell you everything he knows, everything he’s seen.

But as much as he talks to you, he also eagerly listens to you and your passions.

The two of you are quiet, yes. But the love you hold for each other runs deeper than words can describe, so it’s okay~

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creations-of-a-potato · 3 years

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Greetings from the Random OC Tabby Kitten!

I first wanted to let you know that the post you liked/reblogged is from the wrong blog (I made some mistakes), this blog will be the actual tabby kitten blog. Now on to your questions!

How does your character dress? Do they prefer elaborate dress clothes or something more casual? Do they wear makeup? Jewelry? Why do they choose to dress this way?

thanks for the reminder!! i just double checked I was following the right one, this is a side blog actually

How do they dress...

Well, my two main OCs right now are Issy and Ella thanks Supernatural hyperfixation

But I don't really have an idea of how Issy dresses so just Ella for now. this got kind of long too

Ella

Ella has two styles, the one she feels most comfortable in but isn't very practical for her work and the one she feels less comfortable in but its her Work style.

Work Style is sturdy comfy shoes, jacket with lots of pockets, pants she can run around and fight in. Dark colors to blend into shadows with. Long sleeves and gloves for fun reasons :D

actually fun not me being sarcastic

So, Ella has these tattoos! Animals, plants, people, buildings, color splotches, etc, etc. ALL over her body! Fun fact!

They're not tattoos! They're more like living ink. It's a remnant from her original origins as an Eldritch Abomination. The tattoos/markings move and change, but there's always eyes watching :)

Some of the most commons ones are a squid/octopus tattoo that usually has a tentacle curled around her throat, a face on her collarbone, plants winding around her legs and arms, a snake around her wrist.

Normally her tattoos are vibrant colors and somewhat quick moving, but they're a very good indicator of her physical health. The more tired she gets, the slower and less vibrant they are. I haven't decided if its a Boogeyman thing, a nature spirit thing, or a Hybrid thing. Another fun fact! She can see through the eyes! Oh, and the darker and harsher the colors get, the hungrier she is. Which is Not Good.

So thats why she wears primarily long sleeves. Gloves is a similar reasoning, when boogeymen feed off emotions, they secrete this extremely corrosive substance which eats through pretty much everything. She wears enchanted gloves that more or less absorb the goop so she doesn't destroy everything.

Not Work Style is more like these

Cute stuff, but not stuff she could wear around those who don't know about the supernatural. She wears primarily pinks, yellows, and greens.

Makeup. She LOVES doing makeup, and she had quite the collection. Primarily lipstick, prefers pinks and reds but also adores bright colors and green lipstick. She doesn't currently have much of an opportunity to do makeup but sometimes she does and she'll take advantage of it.

Jewelry. Nothing silver or iron. It burns her so that's out. She wears these wide leather bracelets on both wrists to cover scars there from silver/iron (not self harm) and sometimes wears a band of fabric around her throat for the same reason. She more often just throws on a turtleneck to serve the same purpose without feeling like she's being choked. She also wears a chain with her uncle and his wife's wedding rings on it, its one of the things she managed to recover so she's very protective of it. She wears a watch all the time, she's extremely aware of time and is always keeping part of her focus on a clock.

This um. Got long.

oh wait, I do have some ideas on how Issy dresses

Issy

Whatever she wears, its got paint splatters on it, or dirt stains or something. She tends to be out in nature often so she wears flat sturdy shoes. No skirts, really. Wears a red coat, will occasionally magic it clean of paint but often forgets.

Wears one (1) piece of jewelry, a braided cord bracelet from Delilah. Its over 500,000 years old, she's had to use magic to repair it minor damage but she's deeply protective of it. Doesn't have the patience for makeup herself, but appreciates the art put into it. She likes looking at makeup art pictures.

That's it, I think! sorry this got long/rambly. I had fun with this, thank you tabby!

#random-oc-questions-tabby #random oc questions tabby #potato answers #supernatural #f: supernatural #ch: ahava #ch: issy #ch: israfel #headcanons

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sonicadhd · 4 years

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hey time for an admin-submitted post because i haven’t done that in awhile! i’ll put something a little more personal under a cut but HERE HAVE A BUNCH OF HEADCANONS.

- Classic Sonic is more of a physical stimmer than anything else. always bouncing/running/jumping/etc and he’s extremely fond of the zones that allow him to go really really fast and move a lot.

- Mighty is honestly one of Classic Sonic’s favorite partners (for Sonic Mania content) because he gets it, he really does. he’s less of a stimmer because his adhd isn’t as focus-oriented as Classic’s and more has to do with memory. which means he absolutely sucks at puzzles where he has to remember things because he blinks and blip, gone.

- Movie Sonic is absolutely adhd, and is absolutely all over the place. he has a hard time remembering names (he still calls Tom “Donut Lord” to this day), and maybe abuses his power a little too much to get things like chores and other boring stuff out of the way quickly so he can go back to doing whatever his brain is currently hyperfixated on. usually Maddie is really good at getting him to slow down and do the work properly, because she does it with him and keeps him on task when he’s not zipping around.

- Post-Forces/IDW Sonic is... honestly a little less obvious in his adhd due to other issues presenting themselves (read: trauma from being imprisoned/probably tortured in space, literally the whole zombot arc in the comics please go read those they’re very good, etc), he’s pretty good at making himself focus on what needs to be done and has gotten better (sort of) at staying on task. less liable to get distracted.

- the above of course is kind of worrying to anyone who personally knows Sonic so they’re all worried about what’s going on both in general and with Sonic, they planned on talking to him about it after everything settled down but that didn’t happen

- In Smash tournaments Sonic is more likely to pair up with people who honestly get it in tag-team battles more than he would with someone who doesn’t. so his go-to teammates are often Mario, Luigi, Peach, Link, Pit, Joker, or Samus, & anyone else is literally just he had no other option.

and here’s the serious, from-admin part. i honestly made this blog just as a place for me to put down my headcanons about a hedgehog who i relate to on a very, very personal level. i always saw myself in him, and he’s been a huge part of my life since childhood so saying i’m attached is accurate.

i never expected others to love this blog as much as i do.

i want to offer my deepest apologies for not being super duper active with this blog, and want to thank each and every one of you who submits headcanons! it makes my day literally any time i wake up to a new headcanon in the inbox.

stay cool, and stay safe everybody!

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halorocks1214 · 3 years

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2, 4, 14, 19, and 20, go!

*starts running* Thanks for the ask!

2.) Tell us about what you’re most looking forward to writing – in your current project, or a future project

Haha, it’s a tie between the fic “don’t blame me if you die (live this time with caution)” that’s currently a WIP and a 5+1 (or 6+1 lmao) fic I’m going to write for the Mutant SMP that I believe has a very good overarching story with a nice bow-on-top kind of end and angst because if I’m nothing in this world I am at least predictable

4.) Share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

These lines purely because I’ve had multiple people comment about how it took them tf out and if there’s anything as a writer I love achieving its chaos :elmofire:

Theseus, Orpheus, two heroes doomed to fail; doomed to fall off their cliffs, both physical and metaphorical...

Maybe they have. Maybe they’re already tumbling into that dark abyss below.

But as long as you got people to catch you, falling seems a little bit more like flying, don’t you think?

Welcome home, brothers. This Achilles knows his weakness, and he’s going to protect it no matter what.

14.) At what point in writing do you come up with a title?

It tends to vary, but for the most part, it’s at the beginning or very early into the writing because my brain just... wants it there so the google doc doesn't stay untitled for too long lmao. Occasionally I’ll come up with it at the end of writing something (esp for multichapter fics or chapter titles) but recently I’ve been finding myself coming up with the title right away

19.) Is there something you always find yourself repeating in your writing? (favourite verb, something you describe ‘too often’, trope you can’t get enough of?)

I do a lot of “he blinked” or “she crossed her arms” when I write a character in shock/disbelief with nothing else following it or before it, mainly because I don’t really know another way to display a character with indignation outside of outright saying “they said in shock/offense” lol

20.) Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

Listen man I don’t know if I’ve ever been this bowled over and rapidly sucked into a fandom like SBI and DSMP before. Like, it was gradual at first, since I was trying to be fair and balanced with my other WIPs for different fandoms, and the next thing I knew was that all I can write for is this. Not even when I re-got into Thunderbirds was I this thoroughly swamped by ideas and potential for fics, and the way the fandom is so responsive Does Not Help me want to focus on anything else sksksk /pos

The TLDR I’m saying is that if I genuinely talk about these characters and their relationships in any form I would literally need to make a whole ass separate post for them. These tropes and storylines (family dynamics, the PTSD recovery themes, “you’re a conflicted person, not a bad one”, the general way hurt/comfort can so easily be woven into a fic) are literally everything my brain loves to hyperfixate over and OF COURSE IT DECIDES TO DO IT WHEN IM BACK AT SCHOOL AND BUSY WITH OTHER THINGS SO I CAN’T WRITE ABOUT IT 24/7 :cries: :cries: :cries:

Asks are pinned at the top of my blog for those who want them~

#answered ask #scribeofred #writing #mcyt #i have been consumed by the creative process wholeheartedly and i am finally in the acceptance stage of it all #meta asks

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detective-with-one-arm · 4 years

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I have some interesting observations on Rachel’s development and creation as a character. She obviously didn’t originate from this blog and was actually a character I’ve had and been developing for almost a year, now.

But she’s definitely gone through some changes and I’d like to highlight the three “versions” of her.

Ver 1: Detroit: What It Means To Be Human Rachel (Fanfic) - “Alpha Rachel” - I wrote the entirety of it within about three months, I think...actually, hang on, lemme check. February 19th 2020. I’ve...I’ve been hyperfixating on DBH for almost a year. 9 months. Holy shit. The actual main fic was written between February 19th - April 5th. So, it took about a month and a half? Of straight writing to finish and ended up at around 167k words by the end of the initial arc. But some notable things:

No Howard. Howard does not exist here. I wrote this before I actually came up with him and he was more of a concept of an antagonist I was calling “the Puppetmaker,” because the concept was “kidnapper who turns humans into androids with a fake LED that gets inserted into their brain.”

Rachel’s sections are written in 1st person, which...eugh, whenever I get back to writing it, I gotta get used to that, again. I don’t wanna abandon it, but at the same time...this way of writing her is a bit outdated. If I ever get back to writing it, I’m tempted to just completely overhaul and rewrite it.

No tattoos. I didn’t write her with any, which is a shame because I really should’ve. They’re cool.

Honestly, I wrote it just because I was (and still kinda am) real fuckin’ thirsty for Connor. But then I got really emotionally invested, and now I’m locked into this fandom for life.

After that, another reason was also for my own comfort and to cope with my fear of loss and with some other painful things that have happened in my life.

Rachel plays an active role in Connor and Hank’s story “in-game” and actually takes an active part in the revolution on Jericho’s side, so all that survivor’s guilt that her current version has just doesn’t exist. She still has it as a direct result of the accident, but it’s not nearly as emotionally crippling as it is in her current state.

Ver 2: Shot Through The Heart Rachel (Discord RP) - “Beta Rachel” - This is actually still going on and is almost at 400k words, right now. We started on June 24th and we’re still going. We’re hoping to wrap up soonish? But this was my first rp experience with Rachel and I was getting the hang of things. Notable things:

Still no tattoos. Yawn.

Connor X Rachel centric, but my rp partner does some really unique things with Connor and we just vibe really hard.

This is where Rachel having survivor’s guilt because of her cowardice during the revolution is first introduced to her character. Since things played out differently here than in her fic, I had to come up with a different way of playing her, and this was my solution.

Again, common themes of loss are here. But there’s also a lot of coping and dealing with trauma and abuse that are central themes in this RP from both Rachel and Connor’s ends.

As well as a lot of focus on the neurodivergent aspects of both characters as a central point to the story.

This was the first introduction of Howard as his character currently stands as an antagonist.

Rachel’s a lot less angsty, but that’s because her relationship with Connor as it developed also led to her friendships with others from Jericho, which did a lot to soften and alleviate all her fears and survivor’s guilt that were a direct result of her choice during the revolution. So, Rachel’s much happier here because she’s actually healing and she has a consistent support group that she’s also helping as well as them helping her.

Ver 3: Detective With One Arm Rachel (Tumblr RP) - “Final Rachel” - Y’all know. You’ve been here since the start, most of you. Y’all know. I don’t have much to explain here, but interesting things here:

Tattoos (finally!)

Her arm isn’t just a prosthetic capable of interfacing and also being used as a projectile and melee weapon. She can now electrocute and claw the shit out of people if she wants to.

Full ACAB attitude. In her other two versions, she was a lot more optimistic, so she was more actually trying to change the system rather than take down the system. But here? Nah, she’s here to tear this whole shit down!

All the same trauma as before, but because she tends to start “fresh” in a lot of rp introductions, a lot of it is unresolved trauma, so a lot of that bleeds into her rps with people on here.

Howard is very much a looming presence, here. But he’s not quite as pervasive and central as he becomes in Shot Through The Heart. So he’s still there, but he’s not the focus.

Still very much a vent/comfort character, but now I’m just more interested to see how she develops and the intricacies of her personality and how she interacts with others.

#ooc #oc musings #oc meta #oc analysis #dbh oc #dbh rp #rp #{Rachel}#{Howard}

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maxgrayarchived · 4 years

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The last few days I’ve been in a little bit of a depressive state, so I’m late posting this, but I’m overall super happy with how last month went! Here’s all I got done this month. I also talked about all this in a Minecraft video I posted, if you’d rather hear it than read it.

JANUARY GOALS

Hang bulletin board. Check! Now I have a really pretty writing corner which I admittedly rarely use. But it’s still nice.

Get driver’s permit. Check! This was originally get driver’s license, but that’s not possible to do in one month, legally. Sadly.

Find new maxgraybooks theme. Done! Hopefully I’ll actually like this one for a while lol.

Finish drawing. I did this, and then I even drew another thing.

[Personal goal that I didn’t finish]. Rip.

Write 400 words a day. Miraculously, I did this! On average, at least.

Make a Wordpress blog. Done!

Post The Walking Dead & Queer Representation. Done! And I have to admit, I’m REALLY sad with how little people have read it, because I worked really hard on it. So if you haven’t looked at it yet, please give it a glance and a reblog.

Study the steps to become an editor. Yikes. I didn’t even try this.

Study freelance writing. I did this, though!

Set up mailing list. Done.

Three submission goals, and I completed two of them!

That’s 11 out of 14 goals, a very obvious win! Hopefully I can make the next month just as productive, despite how it’s starting out.

FEBRUARY GOALS

Write 2900 words. This is only 100 words a day on average, but I’ve got a lot going on right now and writing has been really tedious lately.

Write a short story. I have my eyes on one! It’s a pretty old idea, actually, but I’m excited. I’ve also been getting a lot of short story ideas lately so that’s good. I’m hoping to, by the end of the month, have one complete draft at least. Maybe get it critiqued.

Work on a story outline. I’m going to try to get a basic idea of an outline down for What Do People Do After The World Ends? so I can make sure the outline is all done by the time I finish drafting Superkids. I have plenty of time.

Post [blog post]. I had it outlined like a week ago or something and the drafting process should be super easy. I actually picked an easier topic this month so I can put some time into some of my more in-depth ideas.

Complete outline [really long blog post title that needs some workshopping jesus it’s long]. This one has to do with a current hyperfixation of mine, so it shouldn’t be too tedious.

Try out Google keep. Hannah Lee Kidder recommended it and I’m sick of my computer telling me that it’s running out of space.

Post drawing of Deceit. I’ve actually already done this rip.

Draw a DND character. I’m working rn on a character sheet for my elf druid girl, Nessa! I fucked up the proportions and she looks like a halfling lol.

Pass kitchen health inspection.

[If kitchen health inspection is passed] Start a home bakery. If it isn’t passed, cry. And maybe instead focus on freelance editing or writing.

Clean rodents’ cages frequently.

Study for driver’s test.

Apply for 16 jobs OR get a job. I need a fucking job.

It doesn’t look like a lot, but some of these are really emotionally taxing (kitchen health inspection, practicing driving) and some of them take a lot of work and time (all that goes into writing a short story) so I think it’s okay. And actually now that I count it, it’s only one goal less than last month, so...

Sometimes I feel like I’m not pushing myself enough goal wise because Jenna Moreci always has like almost thirty goals on her list, but I forget that she does it by quarter, so she has three times as much time as I do. Anyway.

As always, tag me in your goal posts and let me know what you’re working on! And I’m still looking for one or two more long term critique partners, so if you’re interested in that, check out this post.

Writing updates tag list:

@impossiblelibrary @writinginslowmotion @lucifer-in-my-head @alcego-writes

@devan-faye-art

@viragosouls @lyssthewriter

#writeblr #writerblr #writing #amwriting #productivity #i love writing #maxgraybooks

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thattimdrakeguy · 4 years

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Some fans are like "I can say whatever the fuck I want about the characters that I hate and that's my opinion. But if you say something bad about my fav character I will kill you" and It is annoying... I am looking at you, some Damian and Stephanie stans, just chill or leave the fandom for a while.

I can literally criticize any character, but Damian apparently.

Only with Damian does criticizing bad writing = hate, going off of what I get yelled at about.

He has been legitimately: The only character I’ve gotten crap for criticizing the writing of.

I’ve straight up criticized Stephanie’s stans, Steph’s main relationship, her overall importance in the Bat-Family, her writing in her one solo, and I’ve only gotten ONE nasty ask even related to her, and that wasn’t even because of that. That was just because I think of Tim as gay.

And because of all those asks I’ve gotten, I’ve been so repetitive about it too, because of all the asks. I’ve probably seen the same exact thing so many times, and never got any crap for it.

Yet ever have I been accused of being a Steph hater, most likely because I still talk about how I like her anyways.

Much like how I keep having to remind people that Damian used to be my fav, because people act like me having a Tim icon is enough to attack me.

My simple standard is just, Damian has never been well-written, and so I don’t like that and criticize that writing. It’s such an overreaction to call that hate.

But like, an old post comes back and a few new asks about Damian, and I’m starting hate apparently, and I’m just a jealous Tim stan.

But jealous of what, they’re all bad written now.

A lot of the sucky things have happened to Damian too, just in the opposite way.

Although I guess that ask (that I deleted, because what exactly am I suppose to say to it) might’ve been about the complaining I do about overglorifying Steph, but I’ve actively talked against that attitude for Tim too.

I haven’t even tagged any of the posts either, so what hate am I starting? Just because I criticized Damian’s writing on my blog and people agreed? I complain about Tim’s writing all the time, that’s how my blog got popular, and I’ve never been accused of starting hate there either.

It’s only with freaking Damian stans do I ever get such hate for.

Almost always just because I don’t find him cute. It’s almost always after I say he’s not cute to I specifically get hate for it. Sometimes they’ll shove the cute moments in my face, but when I’m aware they’re all out of character it means nothing.

I have studied these characters in my off time, because I find them interesting as fictional characters even if I don’t like their writing because it’s my hyperfixation. I absolutely know what’s what by now.

I don’t care what post they show me that says he’s just “immature”.

Damian kidnaps people, injects chemicals into them, in Jon’s case to paralyze him, and runs a private prison that violates human rights. All of that after three years of living with superheroes.

That’s not immaturity.

PLUS, all of that is irrelevant, because he is a fictional character,

and all I wanted to do was criticize bad writing on my blog, because it bugged me because it sucked they kept ignoring all the bad things he done in the comics and it ruins the quality of a lot of thing she’s in.

I don’t care that the fictional bad man does bad things, but they always elect to ignore that, just to attack me. No matter how obvious i make it that it’s the writing I’m criticizing, they make it all about their favorite fictional character having negative things related to them. No matter how often I openly crap on my fav’s current writing because I think it’s bad too.

Fandom people sometimes get so wrapped up in it that I think they forget what’s actually going on. Some of them straight up act like it’s high school and try to gaslight me.

I’ve gotten called a whiny, loser Tim stan, and all Tim stans are like that, like people trying to make me feel bad just for saying their fav isn’t cute.

But you know what?

Criticizing bad writing, which I also do for my favorite character isn’t that whiny or toxic. People do that on YouTube and it’s called video essays that explains what doesn’t work in fiction. It’s also a literal job people get paid for, because it’s being critic.

Being unable to handle someone thinks your fav has bad writing is way more whiny and toxic then I’ve ever been.

They have the attitude of people that give fandoms bad reputations and Tumblr fandom especially rotten reputations on other websites. They straight up drive people away, no matter what they yell or claim about other people being the cause.

I’ve met, and known enough people that have either left or want to leave this fandom to know that.

Lying about your fav to convince other people that your favorite is literally the opposite of how they’re written the majority of the time, and attacking others when they don’t share your opinion and labeling it what ever you want to give it a bad name is just toxic.

I wish they’d go away or learn to calm down before harassing people.

Especially since I don’t tag the posts and they literally have to find me to be mad at me, that or they’re just insecure other people agree with me on what I say. Regardless they need to get their world view in check.

#Long Post

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residentevil2remake · 5 years

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can you tell me some advices // about when you're empty inside and you seriously have no interests.. i mean like OK i love alot of fictional characters/korean singers.. etc. but suddenly i feel empty and when i think of them i don't feel happy as i was before.. and forcing myself to love them like before but NO.. i can't.. // struggling with my icon like who im gonna use for my profile pic?.. XD i know this is crazy.. but ahh.. any advices? thank you

i was typing this and saw how long text is, so i hope you don’t mind i post this under read more? anyways, if you’re interested in something else/have questions any further, just ask in pm :)

im sorry if this is kind of messy, it’s 4am and i couldn’t answer better than just compare my experience to what you described.

well, i wouldn’t call it crazy, it’s alright when you don’t have exactly focused interests and hyperfixate on a few things at the same time. i had this problem when i was a little bit younger and wasn’t sure what and why exactly i’m interested in such specific things. (i had a really hard anime phase along with a boy troubles, i didn’t liked them, but i was doing it because it was a thing at my age and kind of forced that on myself?)

also one of the things was LoL, i was so interested in league, i had friends there (with who we still close wdy), i loved a lot of characters from there, i enjoy the every bit of it, but then it’s just became bad different...i was coming back from time to time to it and was forcing it on myself because i was thinking the problem was in me, but not in the way the game is heading to, i literally believed that i’m losing my only one thing and started jumping on anything else i could. later, i changed that opinion because i found i wasn’t the only one who had this problem and that was the most easiest point for me to let go this game. because it consumed me and my time and it also didn’t let me get into other things, until it got bad.

and that was a pinpoint there i found what i’m actually interested in. i stopped caring about if i’m ahead of people on new things (before that i basically jumped on any game/anime before anyone and to know what’s it about before my buddies), like, it sounds as boring as it can be, but i stopped being mainstream i suppose? i got more mature and remembered there are better things i skipped because i didn’t understood them at first (read: bayonetta/some of the re games/tlok). and it became like my main focus i suppose??

i feel what you’re saying, but it sometimes it feels like you can’t find something you love and start questioning your current likings. i actually don’t see anything bad about if you’re jumping from fandom to fandom or look for new things all the time. on my main blog here, i did few switches before i eventually focused on one thing, it was like: anime -> sailormoon -> sailormoon/games -> games and other media -> overwatch and games -> and now things i lover regardless of what that is, or the things i only find good

what i would recommend is to actually think if you are into things for real? do you actually care? if yes, then i’d say it’s fine you strugling with finding what is the best thing you like. it’s very often experience if you’re a person who is interested in a lot of media/fickle person.

if no, then i would recommend revisit things you liked as kid/teen (?) and see if these things reflect you and your tastes? like, as funny, as it gets, but i always hated myself for liking totally spies? because girls of my age hated it (lol), but i rewatched it during my English learning and holyfuck is it so good. and then i started to look for things that reflected my likings of that shows i.e. women-leading media, action stuff, animation produced by different countries.

my advice would be that, sometimes, it just takes a lot of time to find what is your thing you know? but even if you do, that doesn’t still saves you from having crisis. i have a close friend who constantly jumps from things she likes/does and she does so because she wants it to be that way and she lives very fine with it, she does have ADHD though, so i can see why exactly she is doing fine. idk maybe you’re just the type who isn’t into something specifically? also try talking with people on that issue, ask if they ever had that problem in their life and an experience of other person could help a lot to understand your.

but to figure that out, i would suggest finding something that can be a long way ticket/focus? like, whenever i don’t have anything to obsess over or the news on the projects i look for are taking, i usually play games that are somewhat time consumable but at the same time relaxing (bayo, black desert, ow not anymore,)

i also feel like that can also be an issue of personality and identity, because tastes does reflect you and your ideals in some way and on that i can’t really give help? because i tie my interest crisis on the time before i figured i’m a lesbian and while i don’t like to tie sexuality to my beliefs/tastes, that doesn’t mean it still didn’t changed a lot of things i found bad/good before specific period of time.

i would say, it’s alright if you change profile pic/url a lot, as long as you’re fine with it and it doesn’t bother you, i see it that way - if you need to change because you’re not sure about it, change as long as you want.

#idk if this help you. but i tried.#long post #answered #anon

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morethannotenough · 3 years

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...there we were.

Well, I ruined it! Within about 7 months of meeting my goal I have gained every. single. ounce. back.

Frustrated, disgusted, disappointed, angry... these don’t even begin to explain what I’m feeling. The back pain, the shortness of breath, the fatigue, it’s all back too. What’s killing me is my mind is still obsessed with that goal, but I can’t motivate my body to do anything about it. That’s not to say I’m not trying. Things are just going to be a little more complicated this time, because clearly the whole “well I’ll just not eat for 6 months” approach to weight loss ISN’T WORKING, and I understand why now, which helps, but also means I have to address some gigantic, well-established thought processes. That ish is hard.

That being said, I do think I’m making a little bit of progress, and I’d like to kind of track it here if I have the willpower to keep writing. I use to write in a journal every day, but I felt like it kept me stewing in my negative emotions too much (because what else would a 16-year-old girl write about except her emotional turmoil?!), so I stopped and have been hesitant to pick up the habit again. Also... I’m an adult with responsibilities now, so spending hours a day pouring my soul out to the internet isn’t really an option anymore. I’ve thought about doing some sort of daily or weekly blog/journal/whatever during this whole process, but like everything else in my life, I put it off. What a great self-deprecating segue!

So the first thing I think I’ve figured out is that I have **undiagnosed** (that’s important, I’m not trying to claim anything here, it just all makes too much sense to not be at least a possibility) ADHD. I remember wondering this in high school. I even remember telling my mom once that I thought I had it. She immediately offered to get me tested, and I refused, thinking there wasn’t really anything they could do to help me. I kinda want to go back and shake that girl now. What I didn’t realize then, and wouldn’t realize until just a few months ago, is that ADHD is SO MUCH MORE than just an inability to pay attention to things and being easily distracted. It messes with your entire life. Your productivity, your executive function (the part of your brain that tells you to start the thing you want to do), your relationships, your time-management skills, your hyperfixations that take over your entire life but only last for a finite period of time, your dopamine reception, all of it. That last one is especially important. If I’m correct, and I do have ADHD, it means that my brain doesn’t produce enough dopamine, so I am constantly looking for more. You know what gives an awesome, instant dopamine boost? Eating carbs and sugar.

I think I’ve had this for a long time and I subconsciously learned from a young age, both from the midwestern food culture (celebrating? food! grieving? food! stressed? let’s get some food! bored? food!) telling me that any kind of emotion can be improved with food, and my sneaky little ADHD friend compounding the comfort/reward aspects of those food solutions, that food will make me feel good, no matter what else is going on. Throw in the fact that I’ve been slightly overweight my whole life, and while I was not actively bullied persay, I was passively bullied (by myself and others) enough that I was already insecure (it was called “shy” at that time) by the age of about 7. We’ll go into all of that later because it played more of a part than I originally gave it credit for. Anyway, ADHD has a lot of what are called co-morbid disorders, which are basically conditions that are likely to occur with an ADHD diagnosis. These can include depression, anxiety, OCD, oppositional defiant disorder, learning disabilities, executive function disabilities, aaaaand eating disorders, especially binge eating disorder. Binge eating disorder (BED) with anorexic and bulimic tendencies is what my current diagnosis is, I think. At least the BED part. What a coincidence.

Now, I’m not trying to say that my current weight is all due to my potentially existing ADHD. I clearly made some choices along the way to get here, but I have spent so many hours and sleepless nights wondering WHY I can’t just ‘eat healthier’ or stick to a diet and lose the weight. Why do I struggle so much with these things that other people are totally capable of? Having an explanation is such a comfort. Knowing that there’s a reason why this process is so hard for me, when it seems so easy for others keeps me from falling into depression and helplessness. Prior to talking with my therapist and my dietitian, I would sit and think about what it would take for me to be a healthier, fitter version of myself. I would picture myself years from now eating salads and veggies while my family ate pizza, like my mom use to do while she was on weight watchers. I would picture just wanting to take a lazy day but I needed to get my 4 mile run in first, and that future looked miserable. But the only way I had ever been successful at losing weight was by literally starving myself and pushing my body to the extreme with exercise, so clearly that was the only way to do it. I’m learning that this all or nothing thinking is deeply flawed, and honestly a big part of the reason I’ve been so unsuccessful in the past. Restriction (especially extreme restriction) is not sustainable, and studies have shown that it actually causes people to gain more weight back than they originally lost. Because diet culture is a huge money maker and they need a way to have repeat customers. Once you fall into the binge/restrict cycle, it is very difficult to get back out. That’s where I am now.

Even though I want this thing so bad, and I have a path that’s going to be easier this time, I’m having trouble actually making the small changes I need to start with, because my body literally does not trust me anymore. Every time I eat a food I like, I have to eat as much as I possibly can, just in case this is the last time I’ll let myself have it for months. If I make a small change, eat a healthy snack, do a quick workout before work in the morning--the little voice in my head says, good, we’ve started, now don’t eat anything else the rest of the day so we can keep up our progress, and more often than not I listen. Moderation is not always easy when you’ve lived in these extremes your entire life.

I don’t think I’m alone in this. I think there are a lot of people who can identify with these same struggles, even if they haven’t recognized these issues in themselves yet. So I’ve decided to try to chronical this journey to healthier thought patterns, and see where that takes me physically. You always hear the stories of the successful people after they’ve been successful. Let’s get through the gritty part together. I’ve been in therapy about weight loss for almost 2 years now, and I’ve made some major shifts in my thought processes already, I still have a lot to do. If I can help even one other person escape this cycle, it will be worth it.

I’m going to end today with an assignment my dietitian gave me, which is finding other reasons to fix my relationship with food other than weight loss. Some of these still have to do with losing weight, but don’t focus on a number on the scale. Hopefully I can check these off and more over the coming years!

1. I miss riding horses, but I don’t feel like I can fairly do it right now at the weight I am.

2. On that same thread, there are a lot of activities I’d like to try that look like a lot of fun, but my weight holds me back both physically (weight limits) and mentally (fear of judging, looking stupid, failing and deciding it’s because of my size, associating a severely negative emotion with the activity and giving up interest in it before giving it a fair shot, etc.) Some of those things include, aerial silks, pole dancing (not stripping, but like, the exercise classes), kayaking, rock wall climbing, dancing, and a bunch more that I’ll think of later. I love doing outdoor activities, but I don’t because my weight makes me so uncomfortable.

3. Losing the stress of going to an unfamiliar restaurant, and the judgement around ordering the same, bland thing every time. I have been chastised for being a picky eater my entire life, so I have a lot of stress around choosing foods in front of other people. This is also something that formed, unknowingly to me, at a young age. It results in an almost panic-like state of mind if the trip is sprung on me and I don’t have time to prepare (like the time I started my new job and another employee was assigned to take me to lunch, and almost chose a sushi restaurant before we realized we wouldn’t have time to get there and back. I don’t do sushi, I had no idea what to order, and I barely paid attention to the rest of my orientation that morning because I was panicking about lunch.), or, if I know it’s coming, I will binge on something I do like and that I know will keep me full before I go. Then I can order a small side salad or something, tell the person I’m with that I’m “just not that hungry today” and not have to worry about my stomach growls giving me away. This also spills over into places that I really like to go to. If I know we’re going to Old Chicago, for example, and I can easily put away one of their individual pizzas in one sitting, but I’m scared the people I’m with will judge me for that, I’ll binge before I go there too, so I can eat half of it, ask for a box, and finish the rest on the way home or later that night. It’s not healthy, and I didn’t even consciously realize I was doing it until a few months ago.

4. Having a truly open mind about trying new things. I hate being so picky. Hate it. But textures and certain flavors activate my gag reflex and I cannot eat them. There are some foods that are ‘okay’, or “I’ll eat it, but I probably wouldn’t make it for myself.” but for the most part it’s I LOVE THIS SO MUCH (read: anything made of bread and cheese), or I HATE THIS SO MUCH I CANT EVEN SWALLOW IT. Because of those extremes, I don’t try a lot of new foods, because history shows I don’t like most things. When I do, I try to have an open mind, or try to look and sound like I have an open mind, but I’m already prepared to spit it out before I even take the fist bite. I want to more more foods into my “its okay” range, and maybe eventually form a “hey, this is pretty good” range. I want to be able to go to my boyfriend’s parents’ house and eat what his dad cooks (he’s always trying new recipes with a lot of different foods and spices. He takes great pride in his cooking, which he should, and I feel like I constantly offend him with my 6-year-old tastebuds. I avoid going over there if I know there’s going to be food because I’m so stressed about not hurting his feelings.

5. I want to be able to have options about where to buy my clothes. Right now I’m limited to a few things at Walmart (which are sometimes super cute, but are usually very not cute), and Torrid which is always cute but sooooo expensive. I’d love to see a cute shirt in a store window or even online and think, hey, I should try that on! Instead of, “well that will never fit me.”

6. I want to want vegetables. I want to be able to choose foods based on how they make my body feel instead of the taste. I want to crave a lunch that gives me energy to get through the rest of my day, instead of something that tastes delicious (hello giant bowl of ravioli), but leaves me in a carb crash and not wanting to do anything the rest of the day. I want to see my food as fuel.

7. I want to not feel so guilty about eating the things I do like! It isn’t so bad when I’m by myself (hence my continued secret eating), but even if I’ve been good (or put up a facade of being good) all week, if I’m the one who asks to order pizza or make pasta for dinner, I feel heavily judged. I do it to myself a bit as well, but especially if there are others, and especially if they know I’m trying to lose weight.

8. I want to have kids one day (part 1). My doctor told me at my last appointment that she wants to see me get to around 200 lbs to give me the best shot at a healthy pregnancy. That’s not unreasonable, and I think she’s right. I’m in my 30s and my window to have kids will close sooner rather than later, so I want to get my body to a place where I can confidently make that choice when I’m ready.

9. I Want to have kids one day (part 2). I want to teach my kids to enjoy healthy foods so they don’t have to go through this same struggle. How am I suppose to expect them to try vegetables and healthier foods if I wont?

10. I want my life to stop being about food and weight all the time. It literally never leaves my mind. I want to be able to stop obsessing about it and just live and know that I can trust my body to make the right choices and maintain my optimum lifestyle without stressing and obsessing over food every single day.

I think that’s a start. I want to start diving into this more and doing more frequent entries so these aren’t all 10 pages long. I don’t have a great track record with that, but I want to try. I want to be able to look back on the work I put in while I celebrate reaching those 10 goals I just listed. I want to help other people reach their goals too without having to go through the mental anguish I’ve been experiencing for the last 20-something years.

One day at a time, one meal at a time. I’ve got help, I’ve got goals, I’ve got time and ability. I’ve just got to do it.

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