Me at 2 am struggling to understand basic grammar terms

"Mom what's a verb, preposition, and noun?"

"GO TO SLEEP"

random vent because i'm numb rn and feel like it

This is a vent post, ill probably talk about su!cide, self h*rm, eating disorders and depression. I’ll also cuss a lot, and things will not be censored. Also, this may seem insensitive to people experiencing any of this, sorry about that.  Dont read this if youre triggered by that.

Also, this is my experience with mental health. Everyone deals with it differently. 

So, If anyone doesnt know, I have depression and anxiety. And right now, I’m feeling numb as it’s often described by people with depression. But, numb isn’t a very good description. I can still feel. I’ll still smile if you tell me a joke, or if something funny is on a video. I’ll still cry if there’s something super sad. Emotion is just watered down. I feel it, but not as much as I should. Me and my boyfriend were talking, and i couldnt tell him I loved him. It’s not becuase I dont love him, but I just cant feel much of anything, so I dont want to tell him I loved him. Becuase If i did that, I felt as though I was lying. The funniest thing is, I randomly started crying. Still felt nothing, but hey, I had tears streaming down my face. Who fucking knows why. 

I havent been doing to great for a while now, but this is the worst i’ve ever gotten. Ive never felt numb before. I mean, I’ve felt myself starting to go through the motions, but i’ve never gone completely numb before. And before this i’ve had a few mental breakdowns. Hell, I’ve sat in a corner twice in the past month or so doing nothing but sobbing and begging myself not to move so I dont grab something sharp and cut myself. (I did not relapse, don’t worry). and recently I completely broke down over simply eating a cereal bar, got through it, ate it. I’m good now. 

Figures. That does seem to be my experience. Oh no, big bad issue one time, then magically I just talk myself out of my bullshit, and im fixed. Ha ha, yet I act like I have all these issues. I mean, I didnt even attempt to starve myself, just thought “oh, friends and family wont let me” and didnt. Had a breakdown about a year later, been fine since. Cut for a few months, went to therapy for a few months, stopped cutting. had a few breakdowns about a year or two later, then was fine. was suicidal for a while, went to therapy for a bit, was happy for months. Had breakdowns every now and then, fine now.

ha ha, first time I say alot of this is online. Figures. I’ve done that a lot too. My boyfriend has found out a bit about my depression through this site. Becuase I cant talk to my boyfriend about my shit, but hey random people on the internet! hear about my problems.

So on another note, I recently found a song that describes part of depression pretty well. It’s called “i’m not dead” by boyinaband. it’s linked below, I’ll copy paste the lyrics, and explain how I relate, and what the lyrics mean to me, becuase why not? (lyrics will be in bold)

I'm not dead

I'm not fixed, but I'm not giving up yet

Basically, this means that im still here, im still depressed, but I’m still trying to fight depression. 

I'm sick of saying that I still don't have anything done

I hate telling friends I'm trying something just to give it up

I never commit to anything, I just say I’ll do something, then decide I dont want to.

I'm still unsure of my emotional state

I'm still incapable of focusing lately

I don't feel like creating

I'm tired of asking Google how to find motivation

I’ve been on break from writing for months now. tried to get back to it, lost concentration. I think this is self explanatory. 

I don't think I've ever made

Something that's as good as I'm capable of

Ha, I dont put in enough effort and commitment to make something as good as possible.

I hate not having a reason to look my best

I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet

I mean, I dont try to show the internet, but I only take care of myself when other people will see me.

If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then

I am so so glad that I hated myself

The only thing that makes me do things is extreme stress.

I didn't luck into this position

I struggle with decisions

I mean, im not in any high position, but I do struggle with decisions. 

I wouldn't be my own friend

I'm too inconsistent

I’m inconsistent as hell. I’m in like 10 group chats, don't talk in any of them for months, then just show up like “hi, havent talked to you all in ages, but hi”. 

Without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished

If these words make it to your ears it'll be a fucking miracle.

Yep. I went on  whole rant about this on wattpad. Without pressure to do something, I don’t do it.

I'm fortunate to know more good people than most do

I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to

I dont personally have a lot of friends that dont live in my city, so the last line isnt an issue, but I do know a lot of good people”

I'm pretty good at like 20 different skill sets

At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I’m good at quite a few things. Drawing, math, even writing. But im not great at it. I’m average.

I wish this beat hit harder

I wish more syllables rhymed

I know 99 percent of people really don't mind

I dont personally relate to this, seeing as I dont make music.

I think collaborating forced me to finish things

'Cause I was terrified of wasting famous people's time

Oh yeah. Group projects would not get done if i wasnt scared of wasting my partner’s time.

I wish I could focus on what I define priority

I wish I was as grateful as I want to be

Dont really relate to these things

I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable

But if I did,

I wouldn't let them waste their time on me while I'm disabled

Oh yeah. Id love to have a friend who isnt depressed, but I wouldnt let them see that im fucked up becuase i dont wanna drag them down.

I feel alone

I know I'm not

I have a lot of friends, but I still fell alone in this world

I used to talk to lots of people.

Lately I've stopped

They didn't deserve it,

I've been a terrible friend.

But I couldn't bear to let myself become boring to them

I ignore group chats all the time. no reason. Probably shouldnt. 

I don't let myself get my hopes up.

I love people who do.

Something good happens? what could go wrong? that is my thought precess.

I never know if what I say I feel is the truth

I have no damn Idea what I think, so its so hard to know what the truth in my head is.

I wish I didn't instinctively try to be less specific

So more people could relate, when they read along with the lyrics.

Not lyrics, but if i write/explain something, I immediately generalize things so its relateable.

I can be happy in the moment

I am not when I reflect

I smile watching youtube, but then I look back and think about how I wasted time.

I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better

I hate it

Youtube will cure depression right? /s

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt

But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

This is just an important phrase I try to remember when I’m down. for people who dont do well with metaphors, he’s saying that if you want to help people, you need to help yourself first. 

I can't predict what I'll do.

I can never be sure

I am terrified of making promises any more

I can't face my work,

I feel sick from the word

I genuinely believe I'm capable of changing the world

Don’t relate much here, except for the more positive, upbeat tone the song takes on, and i feel that this part, the part above and everything below is dave fighting his depression.

I still think I can get better

I’m holding onto hope.

I still think I can create and get pleasure from it

I hope so, I want my art and writing to improve.

I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree

The eternal stuggle. I always try to get the two to line up, it rarely works. I try to use logic more often though.

And become the best version of me

Always trying to improve myself.

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

There’s alot this could mean. I dont want to stop creating. I dont want to stop fighting. I dont want to stop getting better. I dont want to stop living. I relate to all these things.

I’ll expand on this more later, it’s too late now for me to continue this

hi i hope you don’t mind me being nosey but i was wondering if i could ask a few things about u being aro? i kinda just wanted to know how u figured it out? and also do u still get feelings for people but choose not to pursue it? sorry if i’m kinda intruding i don’t mean to, just curious

i dont mind at all darl! (actually...lowkey i love when people are curious about it lmao so feel free to ask more questions) also this is going under a cut cause it got longer than i meant it to lmao

figuring it out wasnt easy and it took a lot of self reflection and like months of questioning and doing research and then worrying i was getting it wrong. Basically i first considered the idea that i could be aro when i was approaching my 25th birthday. A friend of mine (the only guy i’ve had any sort of a fling with) had announced he was engaged and i was completely down on myself wondering why i couldnt get a single date when he was off getting engaged (not that i even Wanted to get married i just would have liked some attention). I figured there had to be something wrong with me or something about me that was broken. And then i saw someone i followed at the time reblog a post about being aro. I’d seen the phrase a little before but never really considered it as fitting me but i’d also never really paid attention to what it actually meant. 

I don’t remember what the post was exactly, it’s probably somewhere in the thousands and thousands of posts i’ve liked over the years but there’s no easy way to check so . Whatever it said it felt relatable enough that I went and googled aromanticism to try and figure out what it was and if it fit me. Because I was already in a headspace where I’d been thinking about my lack of a romantic history already, a lot of the stuff that i read had been stuff i’d been thinking about anyway. Like Reader said in Platonic when she was talking about how she figured it out, I’ve never had a proper crush. I spent months thinking about it after my friend told me he’d proposed. I have very vivid memories of literally deciding to have a crush on a boy in primary school because it seemed like i should (again, i included that directly in Platonic lmao down to the boys name and everything). And every guy I’ve had an interest in since has been either a brief physical attraction that i forgot about as soon as I wasn’t seeing him regularly or something that I deliberately manufactured either in an attempt to fit in with the people around me or because i was kind of bored. Even the cute music teacher at work last year like he was hot and i wouldnt have said no to a kiss or whatever but i just didn’t have any feelings about him beyond that. 

While I was trying to figure out if I was aro I read a lot of websites. The AVENwiki has a page on aromanticism and I think also has pages on some of the aro-spec identities like greyromantic and demiromantic so that was a good starting point for definitions. Google also gave me a few different forums and stuff where aro people were talking about being aro. A lot of aromantic resources are tied up in the asexual community though because that’s where the language and everything was first suggested and what it evolved from. I don’t think that necessarily helped me feel comfortable using the term aro to describe myself because i’m pretty confident i’m not ace but the more I looked into it the more stuff I found from people who were allosexual but aromantic. Anyway, I spent weeks just googling “aromantic” and seeing what came up  and rereading what i’d already read and resisting the fact that a lot of it fit me. Then I spent a while trying to find like a quiz or something that would just give me an answer. I found a few quizzes but all of them assumed at least one previous relationship so none of them were any use to me. But gradually I started feeling okay with calling myself aro. I think part of my hesitation was probably also because knowing I was aro didn’t feel like a solution it just felt my damage had a name. The other part is that romantic attraction is not easy to define which makes it hard to identify if you feel it or not so the part of me that wanted to be Normal kept being like ‘well if you dont know you cant call yourself aro’. But I thought about it a lot and I read any aro related post that crossed by dash and then ventured into the tumblr tag and found some helpful discussion stuff in there and then I started calling myself aro just quietly, only in my own head. It took a long time before I felt okay admitting that I was aro on my own blog but obviously i got there in the end lmao. That friend, the one who got engaged, he’s the only person i’ve told irl though. 

as to your second question....

I don’t think I feel romantic attraction. Truthfully, as i said before, it’s hard to know for certain and there is a possibility that i could form a romantic attraction to someone one day but i think it’s very unlikely. Other forms of attraction are different though. I can be attracted to people physically and sexually. And I think I could possibly be attracted to people in a platonic “man i’d really like to be their friend” kind of way though it doesnt come up very much because im not really one to like meet people. I like my own company. 

But i’ve never really acted on any sort of attraction or feelings for others. I was definitely attracted to CMT but I never acted on it because it seemed like too much work. The was a guy who worked at a pop culture collectables shop a few years ago who i thought was very cute and I did contemplate asking him out but it just never felt like a real option and I sort of just ignored it until he left the job. So yeah I guess I do get some sorts of feelings and then choose not to do anything with them, but they aren’t romantic feelings. But like right now I’ve got no interest in anyone (apart from ben and roger but i guess they dont really count lmao). None of the teachers at work interest me and i havent met anyone else recently and it really isnt bothering me. Theres a guy in IT who i could possibly see myself fawning over a bit cause he’s handsome and has an unusual accent but he’s got the same name as my brother so i’ve already ruled him out as a no go lmao. 

Anyway, hopefully that answered your questions! If there’s anything else you want to know or you’d like me to try and explain something more fully my inbox is always open!

heyy xy its been a while again idk how long i wanted to send smth earlier but my brain wouldnt let me so:// im kinda Going Through It rn tho& surprise its abt my romanticality again but this time it has nothing to do w a crush. its ,, i was wondering how romantic attraction felt so i did a question thread on twitter but the answers ,, were all stuff ive felt ?? &i think maybe ive been thinking of romantic attraction wrong this whole time but ?? how do i know ?? -H (it is. frustrating)

its like ,, i love the idea of cuddling& holding hands& hugging& yes that could be platonic but ,, ive never kissed anyone but i think it could be smth i enjoy& maybe even smth i want but it wasnt ever anything i thought abt until now ,, recently ive kinda been wanting to date someone nonromantically ?? but how do i tell if the way i want it is romantically or not ?? romantic attraction is just a thing u feel right u dont get to decide whether or not its romantic attraction it just is right?? -H

&i have gotten my own version of crushes but its always ,, i just rly want to be their friend or in extreme cases just ,, like me the way i like them, like liking me best ig ?? but maybe i have wanted to date them& just didnt realize it ?? when i get crushes i think of them a lot& want to be around them& i get butterflies& all the things ppl say they get with romantic attraction. but then ill ask myself if its romantic& i just feel like No. It's not ??? -H

romantic attraction always just felt so ,, other ?? so even now that i realize what i want is what ppl who feel romantic attraction want it just doesnt feel right ?? ive never kissed anyone& ive never dated& maybe if i did those things id know ?? &sometimes ill wish i had a partner but like in a queerplatonic way i think ?? i just want to do traditionally romantic stuff but ,, without it being romantic ?? but thats not how it works is it ?? -H

like if u feel& want all the things that comes with romantic attraction then that means u experience them romantically ?? maybe ?? i cant wrap my head around wanting all those things but not romantically ?? bc romantic attraction is defined as wanting things like dating& kissing& cuddling - not some other alien feeling i thought so ?? maybe im greyromantic or lithromatic or bellusromantic but ?? how do i know ?? -H

maybe im just too young to completely know how i feel ?? maybe if i dated someone or kissed them id know ?? &i kinda rly want to do those things just to know how id feel bc im tired of not knowing im already confused abt my gender identity if i dont know my romanticality what do i know ?? -H

lmao so im over my crisis nvm -H

i dont remember exactly what i was saying but theres a difference between wanting those things& like ,, wanting them from a person yknow maybe i want to be kissed but only theoretically bc who do i want to kiss me then ?? any strong feelings usually fade when i get to know the person so. also apparently romantic attraction is Not just wanting those things apparently theres supposed to be a feeling that comes with it idk -H

help i found u on tiktok while looking through aroace tiktoks skjdjk i saw u& i was like xy ?!?!! u exist in places outside of tumblr ?!?!??! unbelievable -H

i saw ur undertale hcs tiktok& i highkey panicked bc ive been hyperfixating on undertale for like ,, a month now, so it was my 2 favorite things : aspec hcs& undertale. personally i see papyrus as aroace bc of his whole speech after ur date with him& its like ,, a v v important hc to me bc hes the only character ive ever felt i had representation in sjdhfks idk hes like my comfort character now -H 

aahhh but yea ive been hyperfixating on undertale so badly but :/ we lost our switch :/ so i couldnt play :/// i had to resort to watching playthroughs on yt. i have watched dan& phils playthrough 3 times& i am going on a 4th. luckily we did find our switch !! &i cant wait until i get papyrus' phone number so i can go through every room& call him& then befriend undyne& go through all the rooms& call him again to see if the responses have changed -H

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I’m So Sorry it took me literally like 2 months to answer these, I promise i wasn’t ignoring you, I just have Stupid Brain!!

Imma be honest with you, romantic attraction is so confusing, and I can’t say I understand it myself. Also, that’s totally how it works. You can do romantically-coded actions with a queerplatonic partner and not have it be romantic at all. Sure, kissing and dating and cuddling are romantically-coded, but that doesn’t mean you have to be in a romantic relationship to do them; doing those things in a queerplatonic sense and not having any romantic emotions in it is totally valid. You can want all these things and still not have/experience romantic attraction. Take all the time you need to figure it out, though. I may tell everyone I’m grayro, but for sure that does not mean that I have it all figured out. I just say that because it’s the closest to whatever confusing feelings I’ve had lol. It takes time to work these things out, just do what feels right for you. You don’t need to force yourself into a romantic situation just to try and see if you’re aro. Honestly, to me? Nothing you’ve described seems inherently romantic. That all seems like it’s queerplatonic or just platonic.

Lol, yes I exist in places outside of tumblr on occasion. Tbh, since we all know I have no time-management skills, tiktok is a little bit why I’ve been so absent around here lately lol. I was focusing a lot on building my account and content there, but I really miss everyone over here and i miss writing my fanfics so I am Back and I’m gonna try and split my time better, now! Undertale is such a valid thing to fixate on, and Paps is such a valid comfort character. Aroace Paps is so valid, I only said grayroace Paps because 1) brain said “make him you” lol and 2) sometimes I think Papyrus/Mettaton can be cute if done right. And yeah, it’s so fun going through the rooms and just calling them lol

now if its possible, shinji for the ask thing?

FAVORITE THING ABOUT THEM: He wears a beanie on his official outfit and for around 4 years of my life, I also always wore a beanie on my head at all times cuz I couldnt control my hair. So ya know, relatable.

Seriously, though: He’s probably the best Persona 3 character, who carries a whole lot of the theme on his personal arc, like the fact you’re gonna die and how you live your life, matters. Also ,the way he is a victim of circumstances, but doesnt ever complain about that, and just accepted his terrible destiny… in a way, there’s a lot of dignity on how he carries himself, you know?

LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT THEM: If you want to. Like, if you really want to, or just doesnt think much about it, you could easily define his character by “tsundere” traits. I obviously hate this characterization and want nothing to do with it, but  judging by how some people characterize him and Aki, you would not be guilty of thinking like that. Weirdly enough, in PQ thats pretty much his thing.

FAVORITE LINE: He has some of the best and most significant ones. “Live” for Ken, but “ “Adios, asshole.”and “Still alive? … Good” when he comes to help.

BROTP: Shinjiro and Hamuko is Good Stuff, good quality content. Shinjiro and Fuuka is also flawless. Shinjiro and Junpei learning how to deal with each other has a lot of potential. Shinjiro and Yukari/Mitsuru growing to care about each other, same.

But Mitsuru and Shinjiro is, ultimately, the real thing. Shoulda’ve been canon brotp if you ask me.

OTP: Shinijro/Akihiko was the Air I breathed for around 3 years of my life.

notp: Shinji/Hamu mostly because… of the fandom’s characterization of it, rather than for the actual ship.. Shinji/Fuuka cuz is mostly a bro thing to me.

random headcanon: His dad left him and thats why he end up on the orphanage. This left him with a lot of issues around his self-worth. He used to pick fights against other kids and didnt want to make friends with anyone cuz he was convinced his dad would come back to pick him up.

He took in a bunch of part time jobs while living on the street, so he knows a buch of restaurants around town, and other places that could accept him to at least wipe the floor.

unpopular opinion: I have come across with two characterizations of Shinjiro that usually go like “UwU Shinjiro secret baby, likes cooking and fluffy things” and “Shinjiro is an asshole who cant put two sentences together without cursing” and I’m pretty sure both of those are an exaggeration.The real guy lies in the middle. I especially dont agree with the first one, though.

According to his dialogue during battles, he’s pretty much on his natural, by fighting out Shadows, cursing them out and is generally rude, too. Dude, he fights shadows with an Axe, with traffic signs! Some of his first lines on his social link are laughing of  a wound he has on his mouth that he forgot he had, and it was due to Aki punching him, which he takes lightly. He hangs out on that suspicious corner of the town on which all the other delinquents seem afraid of him.He literally fights them all without difficulty, on the movie.You dont get to be a person like that, without being comfortable with the idea of wrecking the next idiot that crosses your way or talks about crossing your way, and to become that, you need a lifetime of fighting others, and being good at it. You also need to be smart and knowing your way around town, like bars, clubs and underground meeting places. It struck to me how Shinjiro refers to the owner of the Club Escapade as his friend. That implies knowing the towns underground and nasty places and not only knowing of it, but knowing about it intimately. Thats pretty much where he lives.

That being said, none of this cancels out the fact Shinjiro likes cooking, seems to be an nurturer of  others by nature, and gets along well with animals. It kinda goes with it, actually. He seems to be a mysanthrope so he likes animals best, has no wish to grow closer to others cuz he already accepted his death, so of course he’s not out there cooking for everybody he meets, and being affectionate and cordial. Its not as much about him being shy, despite the fact he`s awkward, its about him having no wish to get out of his way to connectwith others, since his one everlasting connection is alreay giving him such a pain in the ass, anyway. I’m not saying that Shinjiro enjoys being a tough looking guy with a bad reputation, but its not just some kind of appearance he’s trying to keep up as if it was a farce, it does seems part of his personality.

People who try to cancel out Shinjiro’s tough-semi-aggressive tendencies and behavior because of his more soft side, rub me out the wrong way cuz like… you do know people can be well rounded on their interests and facets, right? You do know tough guys are capable of tenderness, in fact, most people are, right? Like,one thing doesnt cancel the other and we dont really know who Shinjiro would be if he wasnt on his “guess I’ll die” state of mind, anyway so, a characterization that tries to make him soft and uwu and tsundere rubs me the wrong way, since you’re deliberately trying not to think on a heavy part of his characterization so you can have a softer shinji, which makes him kind of an archetype of a character, easy to describe on two sentences, just like Mitsuru, Aigis and Akihiko. Both, the fandom and also PQII seem to sin on this.I also believe that on the Persona 3 original game, he wasnt supposed to be interpreted as your typical good looking guy, - taking a look at his first sketches; because of that, I try not to think of Shinjiro as your generally attractive dude. Of course, Shinjiro has a way cleaner design on P3DMN, which I dont mind, so its not something I would fight for, or anything.

song i associate with them: Los campesinos Avocado Baby:“I had a friend who / had made a flag day /blood on their hands from / shards of a heartbreak I have known friends who crack from love’s weight blossom in ribcage, until their backs break Oh it won’t get better, that doesn’t mean it’s gonna get any worse. You’re final draft'a life-long love letter, signed to the man who will be driving your hearse.”  favorite picture of them: I dont even know, but a good 90% of the Shinjiaki pictures I’ve seen probably made my heart beat faster, when I was really into them as my p3 ship.Can I toot my own horn and say this one? Its mine, from here.

Alright I have a lot to say so let's dissect this clip

Let's start with the soundtracks. Visions of Gideon: I already freaking love that song because of CMBYN. I loved the book so much and from the movie I now associate that song with sadness, sorrow, and longing. So I'm heading into this clip already in my feelings. Skipping to the end, Take Me to Church: the way the song booms in as they kiss has such a powerful effect. Comparing it to the first time we hear it, where David is pulling away because he thinks that what he and Matteo have couldnt actually happen, it's like this clip was giving the middle finger to that first clip. Instead of singing about how their lives are wrong, it is now singing about how meant to be, it actually is. Not to mention that Druck has given that song an underlying purpose. Whenever Matteo is thinking about David, or is sad or worried because of David, we hear that song. That song to us, means David. So playing it in a time of rejoice and happiness throws off our senses because we should be feeling sad but we want to be feeling happy.

The confrontation: When Matteo first marched up to David I thought we were gonna get a longing hug similar to the way he and his mom did. But then he stopped in front of him in a confrontational manner. I'll admit that I completely forgot about everything Matteo had been feeling and said, "why are you being so mean? Cant you see David's in pain?" But I got it eventually. With all the close up shots of Matteo dealing with anxiety, the nail biting, the hand crunching, the pacing. All his words were coming from a place of concern.

The trans experience: Now I dont have much to say about this because I've never experienced it but the way David described his experience at his old school really made me feel like shit. For no real reason other than the immediate lack of faith in humanity. I feel so bad for him but I dont wanna feel bad for trans people in general, I wanna be mad at the people who make trans kids' lives shitty, ya know? The teachers using deadnames and the whole not letting people use the right bathroom debate it's so just so annoying and disappointing.

The arguement: the yelling, the voice crack, matteos anger, "let's get out of here," the physicality and the immediately followed gentleness... People have already mentioned the yelling, the echoes, the raw emotions. But there was this one part that really got me when I watched it even without having translations, I heard "oder Sex haben" and I immediately knew. The fact that that was something that other people felt the need to ask about is just so ridiculous. However, when David brought it up I couldnt help but wonder, has this been something that he has pondered over after meeting Matteo? Or has he felt that Matteo might've thought that same question that he was tired of hearing? Next, the voice crack. Normally voice cracks dont humor me, it's a thing that just happens so its whatever. But in that moment of the yelling and crying, that crack just made my heart break. Whether it was on purpose or accidental on Lukas's part, it was still a great addition to the scene and it ampt up the realness of it. Matteo's frustrations all came to surface there. We have literally never seen him this angry before. But I definately dont think it was a hateful type of anger. I just think that after having unreliable people in his life, David's constant flakiness was just an added layer of disappointment. Matteo felt like he was not really being heard no matter how many he told David that he was still there for him so he had to shout. And when David once again mentioned leaving, Matteo was like No! Stop! No more leaving, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere and you're staying here with me! Albiet, it was really cute when David said, Let's get out of here. Just like the gif he made, Let's run off to Detroit together... And then Matteo gripped up David's sweater. I was like woah hold up this isnt #Gallavich now lmao. But I saw it as Matteo making sure David didnt run off right then and there. He grabbed him because he wanted to keep him there with him, to knock some sense into him. But then he calmed down. It was the cutest transition actually. When Matteo poked him and told him he was so cool. David really needs to know that he is a wonderful, lovable person and that not everyone is out to get him.

I love you: this one's a given. I dont have much to say, it was adorable. My only question is that when Matteo said it for a second time, why did David look so offended lol. Like he was confused. Did he think it was a joke? Does he really think he's so unlovable? Or did he finally realize that Matteo wasnt just saying things to be nice and that everything he was saying was actually coming from the heart...

Anyway this is posted late now because it literally took me a whole day to process my emotions

My Experience At Monsta X Concert

@last-dance-anywhere-but-here id like for you to read my experience bc i need to express my feelings i cant hold in my heart ^^

I was so nervous when i got to the theatre.  My brother who went with me was trying to calm me down lol.  I knew that we had tickets to go meet and high five them but I was scared that I was going to make the same mistake again and not get to meet them. *** Short Story last year: I bought tickets last year thinking that it was where the high touch area was at.  But dumb me didnt check the seating chart correct and ended up at the very back of the theatre, meaning that i didnt get VIP seats and so no high touch.  I was very upset. *** When I went to the front desk to ask them I was sssooo anxious and nervous.  I didnt want to feel the same disappointment as i did last year when they told me that i didnt get the right tickets to meet them.  As I waited anxiously for their reply, my heart almost stopped right then and there when the lady said, "So you are in the VIP section so you do get to join in the high touch."

Was I finally going to meet them in person??  Is this a dream??  Dont tell me wrong plz!  Am I really going to meet Monsta X?  The group that stole my heart?? The same group that always has me on my toes?? The very same group that taught me how to smile, how to laugh and how to love again??  My heart adn my brain can barely process it all. Standing in line for 3 hrs wasnt too bad....but why did it feel like forever??  Maybe bc I was too excited and anxious to see them.  As I looked at the lanyard around my neck that said "VIP" I smiled and felt some weight lifted off my shoulders.  I did it right this time around.  I was finally going to see them face to face.  I told my brother I wasnt going to cry this time bc i already kind of saw them already. (even tho the tickets i bought last year was all the way in the back!!)

*Fast Foreword* When we finally got to our seats, I was ssssoooo happy where we were seating. They were perfect!  Right in the middle on the second row.  My hands were shaking so bad bc i was so excited.  Maybe too exited that I started literally hypevenilating.  I was finally going to see them perform live at this close of a distance! 

You know, ive always watched them from a distance.  always watching their music videos and their live stages on youtube or on TV.  I've always wondered if i would ever meet them in person.  I told my mom at one point that if i meet them in person at least once in my life, my life will finally be complete.  Why you ask??  They're just some boy group.  No, they're not just any boy group.  They're my happiness that I thought I gave up on.  They helped me pick up the broken pieces of my heart that was shattered.  They mean the world to me.  

As soon as the music started and they rose from the stage, I swear time froze right there.  Am I really seeing this??  Where they really in front of me?? Is this a dream?? Without realizing it, my vision was starting to get blurry.  Am I really crying??  AGAIN?? I thought to myself, that I have to hold it in bc i didnt want to meet them with swollen red eyes, plus ruin my makeup i nthe process!  Damn I knew I shouldve wore waterproof eyeliner! lol  As they performed, all i could think was, wow.....they are real people living in the same time frame as me.  And I finally get to watch them perform my favorite songs ive been listening to forever. Seeing Wonho just a few feet away from me was like a dream.  His smile, his laugh, his silliness, all real.  He's the very reason I can love again.  His love for his fans, his love for his members, his love for music.  That's the reason I can feel love again.  Overall, they were all amazing!!  They exceedingly performed very well!!  It was the best performance yet!! As the stage was coming to and end, I felt like time went by too fast.  I didnt want it to end.  Ending it felt like the ending of our time together.  The ending of my dream.  Am I about to cry again??  Stop!!  When it did end, we waited until it was time to go backstage to finally meet them.  And oh man was my heart about to burst out of my body!

We went and stood in a single file line to go meet them.  As the line was getting shorter and closer to them my breathing starting shortening.  I couldnt breathe at all!!  I turned to my brother to help me control my breathing. Im really going to meet them!  Can I really do this without screwing anything up?  Or fainting in front of them?? Im so nervous!!   When it was finally my turn, Hyungwon was the first I saw.  As I walked towards him and touched his hands, time literally froze right there when our eyes met.  He was sssoooo ethereal that I swear there was light shining behind him at how handsome, how beautiful, how elegant he looked.  He gave me the sweetest smile and said, "Nice to meet you, thank you!"  My heart stopped right there.  At that point I realized something.....no way, I think Im in love again. (im sorry Wonho!)

Though i wanted to stay longer with hyungwon, of course I had to move on. And so next was jooheon, he was sssooo super cute and adorable!! I finally got to see those cute dimples in person!  Thought I wanted to touch his cheeks so bad I had to continue to move on!  I.m was very handsome!!  I mean he looked really good!! 3 years difference is ok right??  Im not that old! lol Kihyun was definately the highlight of my life.  Not only cute but handsome and very friendly!  I could tell he really loves his fans.  His interactions with me and his fans was wonderful!

Then finally, next was my Won & Only.  Wonho.  The man I fell in love with.  The reason for my life to be brighter again.  The reason I can love again.  As I touched his soft hands that felt like silk, I wanted to say something to him but I froze right there.  Stupid me couldnt say anything!!  I have so many things i wanted to say to him but there was just too little time.  And so I quickly whispered a "I love you" to him.  I think he didnt hear me bc i said it too quiet as he just smiled and nodded.  Even though there are language barriers and even though he might've not heard or understand the words that came from my lips, the point is......i got to tell the man of my dreams that i love him.  And Im content with that.

Shownu was next and i gotta say....he was FINE as HELL!!  damn like when he performed on stage, i knew he was a really good at dancing but seeing him live made me realize that he really got some MOVES.  He is just ssooo sexy and such a manly man!  Now i understnd why fans call him a bear, a cute, cuddly, and manly bear that i wanna squeeze!  Last but not least was Minhyuk.  He was sssooo super adorable and his cute smile just made him even more adorable!!  He made me feel so squishy and fluffy inside!!  Omgsh i really just wanted to hug him so bad bc of how cute he was!

Without realizing it, my night was coming to an end.  It felt so fast, too fast as i was leaving the building.  Even though I saw them for just those few seconds, it wasnt enough. I didnt want to turn and look at the building bc i knew that if i did, i might run back in just to see them one more time.  I wanna tell every single one of them that I love them all.   So we headed back to the hotel, when i got to the hotel i walked towards the window and looked at the theatre from below. (we were at the very top floor BTW!).  The sky was dark and the stars were already shining despite some clouds still roaming around bc it was going to rain.  I reached up and touched the cold glass with my hands as I looked out the window.  I sighed a breath and said aloud, "Im going to miss all of you....."

It was finally the next day to go home.  As we packed our things in the car and started driving, I turned and watched the theatre disappear from a distance.  Then the overflowing tears that Ive been holding this whole time came down like a waterfall.  I couldnt stop myself.  Even though i know its not the last time im going to see them but why does it feel like it is??  What is this pain i am feeling in my chest??  Why cant i stop the tears from flowing??  I dont like this feeling of pain at all.  It really feels like a long distance relationship that's coming to an end.  Why am I crying so much?  I miss them that much even though it was just a short meeting??  Or Is it because im finally going back to my reality and I dont want to wake up from this euphoria?  Maybe this is what missing someone really feels like.   Maybe this is what love really feels like.  With the short about of time of meeting them, it feels like you've known them your whole life.  All i know was that, no words can describe what i just experienced.  My love for them will continue on forever.  I dont know if ill ever grow out from this, but right now just let me enjoy this moment just a little bit longer.  Thank you Monsta X for everything.  I love you.

I repeatedly find myself unable to identify with anything.

I'd like to clarify before I continue that, from my limited understanding of the terms, I'm not talking about depersonalisation, derealisation or any such term. Rather, what I'm about to talk about is most likely a result something far less serious.

What I mean when I say this is that, some days, I'll look around me and be struck by the notion that I don't belong. All of a sudden, it's like I hate the surroundings i was previously nuetral to. I begin to hate my clothes, my blank walls, ect. I'll find myself almost paranoid that some vile creature will crawl out of a crack.

I'll look in a mirror and hate things I didnt care about the previous day, like my hair, my body, ect. How I've conducted myself on other days will disgusted me, and I cant do anything but think about how I cant identify with those actions, despite the fact that on any other day I wouldn't regret them.

Often, I'll think to myself, who even am I? Am i a woman? Am I a man? Am I even attracted to people? Do i experience emotions, or have I convinced myself that I have simply because I know myself to be abnormal? Did i trick the people who diagnosed my learning disability- have I been a fake all along? Am I nothing at all?

On those days, I feel freakish. I'll try to search desperately for what's wrong with me. I'll ask myself it constantly, I'll want to scream that question from the rooftops. What the fuck is wrong with me? When will I learn to keep my mouth shut? I'll look for term after term, anything to put a name to my defective mind and body. But in the end, I cant bring myself to identify with any of it. Then, I'll feel.as though I'm nothing at all.

Other times, I'm convinced I'm completely normal. I've made up all this in an attempt to gain attention I lacked as a child, and in doing so have disrespected the communities that actually suffer with those things. Even for things I'm diagnosed of, I'll think: how dare I fake my way into that community. How dare i take their resources.

I'm so completely unable to identify with anything that I have absolutely no idea who i am. I feel like I've lived a series of off days, all disjointed and not one representing myself. No matter how much introspection I do, i find my self no closer to finding out who i am. I dont even know what my interests really are anymore, because I dont even know how to identify the sensation of interest. But I know a day will come where I'll think that's a lie, where I am perfectly normal outside of my own delusions.

I hate living like this. Or, well, that's what I think now. Later i might call this a bad day, and even later than that I'll call this my normal, and even later than that I'll say this was for attention, so on and so forth.

I can talk all day, I can say every possibility, and everything out of my mouth will feel like a lie. Even this, right now, doesnt feel like the truth. I cant identify what makes me comfortable. I dont know what I'm doing or why I'm here, in a sense. I couldnt identify with the truth if it hit me in the face.

Earlier I said that it's probably something far less serious than depersonalisation or derealisation. Now, that's probably true. However, I could also be saying that because I want to downplay the issue, because I find myself unable to take my own concerns seriously. Of course, maybe I'm not downplaying the issue, but rather being hyperbolic. Maybe I'm blowing something small up to this massive issue where I "downplay" everything because I want to see myself as the victim in order to escape responsibility for myself and my actions.

I dont know. Every possibility I just proposed could be true. Or maybe its something else all together.

There are days where I dont get out of bed. I say "dont" rather than "cant" because I, myself, am unsure of if I'm simply being lazy or there is a bigger issue. I genuinly cant tell, so I feel it's best to avoid very definate terms like "cant". I dont forget to eat, as my mother cooks food for me. However I would probably skip meals frequently if I didnt have to keep up appearances for her. Out of laziness? Apathy? I have no idea.

Some days, I think I have no motivation. On others I'd call that laziness. The day after that I'd call it fear of failure. On the day after that I'd call it a delusion. And so on and so forth until the sun explodes.

As you see, I live my life on uncertain terms. As such, I dont have the confidence to get professional advice. Part of me thinks I'd be scolded for wasting times with my bullshit. Part of me thinks I'd come out with a long list of unpronouncable diagnosis. Part of me thinks they'd be concerned, but unable to help due to my inability to describe any given sensation. And so on and so forth.

I cant tell what foods I like or dislike, or the reasons why. Sometimes food makes me retch and I'll have to ask- is it the food? The environment? Some mental association with this food? The taste? The texture? Of course I'll never find a consistent answer.

I'll think, do I like anything? Is this apathy or joy? Do i enjoy art or am i just good at it? Do I hate life or love it? Can i experience positive emotions?

I could go on forever, but I'll cut it here. Theres no conclusion because I have 50, equally true, contradicting ones planned out in my head.

Are you a shopaholic? How to fight a shopping addiction

Yesterday, I mentioned that because I grew up poor, I inherited a faulty money blueprint from my parents. They didnt know how to handle money effectively, so they couldnt teach me how to handle it effectively. I entered adulthood with many of the same bad habits theyd had when I was a kid. I was a compulsive spender, for instance. I had a shopping addiction. I had no willpower, no impulse control. Even when I had no money in the bank, I still found ways to spend. I took on over $20,000 in credit card debt before I turned 25!

Nowadays, I mostly have my spending under control. Im no longer in debt, and I force myself to make conscious decisions about what I purchase. (Conscious spending is one of the keys to overcoming emotional spending.) Having said that, I know that if I relax for even a moment, Ill be right back in my old habits. Ill find myself at the grocery store buying magazines to soothe a bruised ego, or shopping for music in the iTunes store because I had a stressful day. How do I know Ill relapse if Im not careful? Because I do from time to time. When I was prepping for my big talk at the end of June, for example, I felt super stressed and my shopping addiction kicked in. I spent an afternoon browsing on Amazon, putting things in my shopping basket. (I even ordered a few of the things, although I knew I shouldnt.) Emotional spending is comforting not just for me, but for a lot of other people too. Though Im a recovering spendaholic, Im still a spendaholic. Im always one step away from compulsive spending. My story is not unique. What Is a Shopping Addiction? People who have a shopping addiction suffer from whats known as compulsive spending. According to the Illinois Institute for Addiction Recovery: Compulsive shopping and spending is described as a pattern of chronic, repetitive purchasing that becomes difficult to stop and ultimately results in harmful consequences. It is defined as an impulse control disorder and has features similar to other addictive disorders without involving the use of an intoxicating drug. The organization offers the following list of warning signs of a shopping addiction: Shopping of spending money as a result of being disappointed, angry or scared.Shopping/spending habits causing emotional distress or chaos in ones life.Having arguments with others regarding shopping or spending habits.Feeling lost without credit cards.Buying items on credit that would not be bought with cash.Spending money causes a rush of euphoria and anxiety at the same time.Spending or shopping feels like a reckless or forbidden act.Feeling guilty, ashamed, embarrassed or confused after shopping or spending money. Many purchases are never used.Lying to others about what was bought or how much money was spent.Thinking excessively about money.Spending a lot of time juggling accounts and bills to accommodate spending. Ive experienced all of these. In fact, I used to suffer from many of these at the same time. It felt awful. An addiction to spending is a scary, dangerous thing. As with other addictions, victims feel lost and out of control. People who have never suffered from a shopping addiction cant understand the problem, and you may have a hard time explaining it to them. They dont know what its like to see something and feel the urge to buy it now. They dont know the lure of the shopping rush and the subsequent nausea from the guilt have having spent too much. Overspendershave confused and confusing relationships with money, write psychologists Brad and Ted Klontz in Mind Over Money. On one hand, theyre convinced that money and the things it can buy will make them happy; yet theyre often broke because they cant control their spending. Fortunately, Ive learned some ways to cope with emotional spending. Though Im still tempted, I dont spend nearly as much as I used to because Ive developed habits that help me do the right thing, even when the right thing is difficult. How to Fight a Shopping Addiction Based on my own experience and based on conversations Ive had with others here are seven strategies you can use to fight a shopping addiction: Cut up your credit cards. If you have a problem with compulsive spending, destroy your credit cards now. Dont make excuses. Dont jot the account numbers someplace just in case. Dont rationalize that you need them to help your credit score. If credit cards fuel your emotional spending, youre better off without them. (You can always get new cards once youve learned better habits.)Carry cash only. Dont use your checkbook or a debit card. Inconvenient? Absolutely, but thats the point. If youre a compulsive spender, your goal is to break the habit. To do this, youve got to make sacrifices. Spending cash is a way to remind yourself that youre spending real money. Plastic (and to some degree checks) make this connection fuzzy.Track every penny you spend. You may not even be aware of how much youre spending. Back when I let my emotions rule my financial life, I had no idea how many books I was buying, for example. But once I started tracking every dollar that came into and went out of my life, patterns became clear. When you see your spending patterns, you can act on them.Play mind games. For some people, money isnt an emotional issue. Theyre able to make logical choices and not be tempted to otherwise. Theyre lucky. For most of us, however, it doesnt work that way. If youre in this majority, find ways to play tricks on yourself. You might train yourself to use the 30-day rule, for instance: When you see something you want, dont buy it right away; instead, note it on your calendar for 30 days in the future. If you still want it in a month, consider buying it. Ive found that I can keep myself from buying a lot of stuff by simply putting it on my Amazon wish list. I come back later and wonder why I was ever tempted!Avoid temptation. The best way to keep from spending is to avoid situations that tempt you to spend in the first place. If your weakness is books, stay out of bookstores and avoid Amazon. If you tend to overspend at big department stores, stay away from the mall. Stop going to the places where you normally spend, especially if youre under emotional stress.Remind yourself of larger goals. Ive struggled with my weight all my life. Whenever Im tempted to eat something bad, I ask myself, Will this help me or hurt me? The same question can be asked when youre about to make an impulse purchase. Will your new toy bring you closer to your goals or move you further away? (If youre not clear on your larger goals, try drafting a personal mission statement.)Ask for help. Theres no shame in asking for help if youre having trouble with your spending. Talk to a close friend or family member, and ask for support in breaking the cycle of compulsive spending. You may even want to seek professional help. But remember: If you ask for help, dont get angry when your counselors call you on your missteps. Listen to what they have to say. Each of these techniques can help curb your shopping addiction to some degree. Different techniques will appeal to different people. Theres one other strategy that Ive found to be very effective for myself: When I find myself tempted to buy something, I force myself to stop for a moment and ask myself some serious questions.

What to Do When Youre Tempted to Buy Lets say youre in the mall or at the Electronics Emporium. Theres nothing you need to buy, but youre killing time while your spouse finishes an errand. As you wait, you browse. You admire the Thneeds. Look! Theres a new one! Its bright and shiny and you think it will make you happy, so you pick it up, walk to the register to purchase it. Wait! Before you buy, think about the following questions: When will I use this? When you buy compulsively, when you spend on impulse, you tend to acquire a lot of stuff you never use. Look around your home. Do you have unopened CDs or DVDs? Unread books? Unplayed videogames? Do you have clothes that still sport their price tags? Do you have a collection of money-saving gadgets gathering dust in your closets and kitchen drawers? Before you buy something new, ask yourself when youll actually use it and be honest with yourself.Do I have another one like this already? If so, whats wrong with the old one? I use this question in a variety of situations, especially when Im tempted to buy clothes. Kim gets frustrated with my tendency to acquire new t-shirts, for example. You already have five blue t-shirts, she told me recently. Why do you need another? This is also a great question to ask when faced with the urge to upgrade. Do you really need to replace your iPhone?If I buy this, where will I put it? Its surprising how often this question prevents me from buying something new. For the past few years, Ive had limited space to store stuff. First, Kim and I were on the road in an RV with no storage. Next, we moved to a smaller house. If I force myself to think about where Ill store whatever it is that tempts me, thats often enough to make me decide not to buy it.If I buy this, can I pay cash? Would I pay cash for this? When I was in debt, I bought almost everything on credit. I figured I could pay for it later. All of my cash went to pay my credit card bills. I was dumb. Ive since realized that if something isnt worth saving for, if its not worth buying with cash, then its almost certainly not worth buying on credit.Can I buy a good-quality used version for less? I used to be a new snob. I believed that things were only worth buying if I could have them in new, pristine condition. Now I know that great deals can be had on gently used items. This is true of cars, of course, but its also true of games, electronics, clothing, and more. Make a habit of checking Craigslist first and taking a look at your local thrift store.Do I know anyone who already owns one I can borrow? I overheard a story the other day. Evan was preparing for some yardwork and making an inventory of his tools. He decided he wanted a chainsaw. He called his friend Lee to ask for advice on which one to buy. Why do you want to buy a chainsaw? Lee asked. Do you have a lot of trees to clear? Evan admitted that he did not. Then why dont you just borrow mine? Lee asked. When done respectfully, borrowing is a great alternative to buying new.Can I wait to buy this? One of the best things Ive done to fight my shopping addiction is to teach myself to wait. For the past decade, Ive used the afore-mentioned 30-day rule. When I find myself in the Electronics Emporium holding the latest game for the Nintendo Switch, I put it back and tell myself that I can buy it in 30 days if I still want it. The key is to make yourself wait to make a purchase, to not give in to your desire to buy in the moment.Why do I want to buy this? And why do I want to buy it today? Its true that many times Im inclined to buy something because it would fill a need in my life. But just as often I find myself wanting to buy things because Ive recently seen an ad. Or, worse, a friend has shown me some cool new gadget. In these cases, Im not filling an ongoing need; Im simply trying to fill a sense of lack created by comparing myself with others. If I can figure out why I have the urge to buy something, I can sometimes make the urge go away.Are there better options available? This is a great question to trick myself into taking more time. If I find myself browsing Amazon tempted to buy a compound miter saw, for example, I can sometimes talk myself out of it by realizing that I have no idea whether this compound miter saw is the best model. Instead, I go research compound miter saws (or whatever) via Consumer Reports and online review sites. I try to find the best option. Most of the time, the process gets overwhelming: There are so many compound miter saws with so many different features! I lose interest and I save myself some money.What would my partner say if I bought this? Kim isnt opposed to everything I buy, but shes often able to detect compulsive spending when I cannot. Sometimes if Im tempted buy a new toy, I try to put myself in her shoes, to view the purchase through her eyes. If, from her perspective, the purchase seems reasonable, then I consider it. But it looks foolish, I often change my mind. Ive used all of these questions to learn to control my shopping addiction. I dont ask myself all of these questions every time I shop. Each is useful in certain situations. And these questions dont stop all of my purchases. But Ive found that if I give myself honest answers, they can prevent a lot of spending. Additional Resources For more information on coping with compulsive spending and shopping addiction, explore the following web sites: Finally, consider seeking professional help. There is no shame in obtaining psychotherapy for problems that seem bigger than you. Ultimately you must look inward to overcome any form of addiction a therapist is like a trained guide who can help you find the way. The good news is you can overcome this. You can break free from emotional spending. The bad news is that it takes work. It wont happen overnight. Youll make mistakes, and youll backslide. When you do, dont give up. Dont beat yourself up because you bought a new purse or played a round of golf at the new course. Youre human. Keep focused on your long-term goal, and resolve to do better next time. [embedded content] https://www.getrichslowly.org/shopping-addiction/

Are you a shopaholic? How to fight a shopping addiction

Yesterday, I mentioned that because I grew up poor, I inherited a faulty money blueprint from my parents. They didnt know how to handle money effectively, so they couldnt teach me how to handle it effectively. I entered adulthood with many of the same bad habits theyd had when I was a kid. I was a compulsive spender, for instance. I had a shopping addiction. I had no willpower, no impulse control. Even when I had no money in the bank, I still found ways to spend. I took on over $20,000 in credit card debt before I turned 25!

Nowadays, I mostly have my spending under control. Im no longer in debt, and I force myself to make conscious decisions about what I purchase. (Conscious spending is one of the keys to overcoming emotional spending.) Having said that, I know that if I relax for even a moment, Ill be right back in my old habits. Ill find myself at the grocery store buying magazines to soothe a bruised ego, or shopping for music in the iTunes store because I had a stressful day. How do I know Ill relapse if Im not careful? Because I do from time to time. When I was prepping for my big talk at the end of June, for example, I felt super stressed and my shopping addiction kicked in. I spent an afternoon browsing on Amazon, putting things in my shopping basket. (I even ordered a few of the things, although I knew I shouldnt.) Emotional spending is comforting not just for me, but for a lot of other people too. Though Im a recovering spendaholic, Im still a spendaholic. Im always one step away from compulsive spending. My story is not unique. What Is a Shopping Addiction? People who have a shopping addiction suffer from whats known as compulsive spending. According to the Illinois Institute for Addiction Recovery: Compulsive shopping and spending is described as a pattern of chronic, repetitive purchasing that becomes difficult to stop and ultimately results in harmful consequences. It is defined as an impulse control disorder and has features similar to other addictive disorders without involving the use of an intoxicating drug. The organization offers the following list of warning signs of a shopping addiction: Shopping of spending money as a result of being disappointed, angry or scared.Shopping/spending habits causing emotional distress or chaos in ones life.Having arguments with others regarding shopping or spending habits.Feeling lost without credit cards.Buying items on credit that would not be bought with cash.Spending money causes a rush of euphoria and anxiety at the same time.Spending or shopping feels like a reckless or forbidden act.Feeling guilty, ashamed, embarrassed or confused after shopping or spending money. Many purchases are never used.Lying to others about what was bought or how much money was spent.Thinking excessively about money.Spending a lot of time juggling accounts and bills to accommodate spending. Ive experienced all of these. In fact, I used to suffer from many of these at the same time. It felt awful. An addiction to spending is a scary, dangerous thing. As with other addictions, victims feel lost and out of control. People who have never suffered from a shopping addiction cant understand the problem, and you may have a hard time explaining it to them. They dont know what its like to see something and feel the urge to buy it now. They dont know the lure of the shopping rush and the subsequent nausea from the guilt have having spent too much. Overspendershave confused and confusing relationships with money, write psychologists Brad and Ted Klontz in Mind Over Money. On one hand, theyre convinced that money and the things it can buy will make them happy; yet theyre often broke because they cant control their spending. Fortunately, Ive learned some ways to cope with emotional spending. Though Im still tempted, I dont spend nearly as much as I used to because Ive developed habits that help me do the right thing, even when the right thing is difficult. How to Fight a Shopping Addiction Based on my own experience and based on conversations Ive had with others here are seven strategies you can use to fight a shopping addiction: Cut up your credit cards. If you have a problem with compulsive spending, destroy your credit cards now. Dont make excuses. Dont jot the account numbers someplace just in case. Dont rationalize that you need them to help your credit score. If credit cards fuel your emotional spending, youre better off without them. (You can always get new cards once youve learned better habits.)Carry cash only. Dont use your checkbook or a debit card. Inconvenient? Absolutely, but thats the point. If youre a compulsive spender, your goal is to break the habit. To do this, youve got to make sacrifices. Spending cash is a way to remind yourself that youre spending real money. Plastic (and to some degree checks) make this connection fuzzy.Track every penny you spend. You may not even be aware of how much youre spending. Back when I let my emotions rule my financial life, I had no idea how many books I was buying, for example. But once I started tracking every dollar that came into and went out of my life, patterns became clear. When you see your spending patterns, you can act on them.Play mind games. For some people, money isnt an emotional issue. Theyre able to make logical choices and not be tempted to otherwise. Theyre lucky. For most of us, however, it doesnt work that way. If youre in this majority, find ways to play tricks on yourself. You might train yourself to use the 30-day rule, for instance: When you see something you want, dont buy it right away; instead, note it on your calendar for 30 days in the future. If you still want it in a month, consider buying it. Ive found that I can keep myself from buying a lot of stuff by simply putting it on my Amazon wish list. I come back later and wonder why I was ever tempted!Avoid temptation. The best way to keep from spending is to avoid situations that tempt you to spend in the first place. If your weakness is books, stay out of bookstores and avoid Amazon. If you tend to overspend at big department stores, stay away from the mall. Stop going to the places where you normally spend, especially if youre under emotional stress.Remind yourself of larger goals. Ive struggled with my weight all my life. Whenever Im tempted to eat something bad, I ask myself, Will this help me or hurt me? The same question can be asked when youre about to make an impulse purchase. Will your new toy bring you closer to your goals or move you further away? (If youre not clear on your larger goals, try drafting a personal mission statement.)Ask for help. Theres no shame in asking for help if youre having trouble with your spending. Talk to a close friend or family member, and ask for support in breaking the cycle of compulsive spending. You may even want to seek professional help. But remember: If you ask for help, dont get angry when your counselors call you on your missteps. Listen to what they have to say. Each of these techniques can help curb your shopping addiction to some degree. Different techniques will appeal to different people. Theres one other strategy that Ive found to be very effective for myself: When I find myself tempted to buy something, I force myself to stop for a moment and ask myself some serious questions.

What to Do When Youre Tempted to Buy Lets say youre in the mall or at the Electronics Emporium. Theres nothing you need to buy, but youre killing time while your spouse finishes an errand. As you wait, you browse. You admire the Thneeds. Look! Theres a new one! Its bright and shiny and you think it will make you happy, so you pick it up, walk to the register to purchase it. Wait! Before you buy, think about the following questions: When will I use this? When you buy compulsively, when you spend on impulse, you tend to acquire a lot of stuff you never use. Look around your home. Do you have unopened CDs or DVDs? Unread books? Unplayed videogames? Do you have clothes that still sport their price tags? Do you have a collection of money-saving gadgets gathering dust in your closets and kitchen drawers? Before you buy something new, ask yourself when youll actually use it and be honest with yourself.Do I have another one like this already? If so, whats wrong with the old one? I use this question in a variety of situations, especially when Im tempted to buy clothes. Kim gets frustrated with my tendency to acquire new t-shirts, for example. You already have five blue t-shirts, she told me recently. Why do you need another? This is also a great question to ask when faced with the urge to upgrade. Do you really need to replace your iPhone?If I buy this, where will I put it? Its surprising how often this question prevents me from buying something new. For the past few years, Ive had limited space to store stuff. First, Kim and I were on the road in an RV with no storage. Next, we moved to a smaller house. If I force myself to think about where Ill store whatever it is that tempts me, thats often enough to make me decide not to buy it.If I buy this, can I pay cash? Would I pay cash for this? When I was in debt, I bought almost everything on credit. I figured I could pay for it later. All of my cash went to pay my credit card bills. I was dumb. Ive since realized that if something isnt worth saving for, if its not worth buying with cash, then its almost certainly not worth buying on credit.Can I buy a good-quality used version for less? I used to be a new snob. I believed that things were only worth buying if I could have them in new, pristine condition. Now I know that great deals can be had on gently used items. This is true of cars, of course, but its also true of games, electronics, clothing, and more. Make a habit of checking Craigslist first and taking a look at your local thrift store.Do I know anyone who already owns one I can borrow? I overheard a story the other day. Evan was preparing for some yardwork and making an inventory of his tools. He decided he wanted a chainsaw. He called his friend Lee to ask for advice on which one to buy. Why do you want to buy a chainsaw? Lee asked. Do you have a lot of trees to clear? Evan admitted that he did not. Then why dont you just borrow mine? Lee asked. When done respectfully, borrowing is a great alternative to buying new.Can I wait to buy this? One of the best things Ive done to fight my shopping addiction is to teach myself to wait. For the past decade, Ive used the afore-mentioned 30-day rule. When I find myself in the Electronics Emporium holding the latest game for the Nintendo Switch, I put it back and tell myself that I can buy it in 30 days if I still want it. The key is to make yourself wait to make a purchase, to not give in to your desire to buy in the moment.Why do I want to buy this? And why do I want to buy it today? Its true that many times Im inclined to buy something because it would fill a need in my life. But just as often I find myself wanting to buy things because Ive recently seen an ad. Or, worse, a friend has shown me some cool new gadget. In these cases, Im not filling an ongoing need; Im simply trying to fill a sense of lack created by comparing myself with others. If I can figure out why I have the urge to buy something, I can sometimes make the urge go away.Are there better options available? This is a great question to trick myself into taking more time. If I find myself browsing Amazon tempted to buy a compound miter saw, for example, I can sometimes talk myself out of it by realizing that I have no idea whether this compound miter saw is the best model. Instead, I go research compound miter saws (or whatever) via Consumer Reports and online review sites. I try to find the best option. Most of the time, the process gets overwhelming: There are so many compound miter saws with so many different features! I lose interest and I save myself some money.What would my partner say if I bought this? Kim isnt opposed to everything I buy, but shes often able to detect compulsive spending when I cannot. Sometimes if Im tempted buy a new toy, I try to put myself in her shoes, to view the purchase through her eyes. If, from her perspective, the purchase seems reasonable, then I consider it. But it looks foolish, I often change my mind. Ive used all of these questions to learn to control my shopping addiction. I dont ask myself all of these questions every time I shop. Each is useful in certain situations. And these questions dont stop all of my purchases. But Ive found that if I give myself honest answers, they can prevent a lot of spending. Additional Resources For more information on coping with compulsive spending and shopping addiction, explore the following web sites: Finally, consider seeking professional help. There is no shame in obtaining psychotherapy for problems that seem bigger than you. Ultimately you must look inward to overcome any form of addiction a therapist is like a trained guide who can help you find the way. The good news is you can overcome this. You can break free from emotional spending. The bad news is that it takes work. It wont happen overnight. Youll make mistakes, and youll backslide. When you do, dont give up. Dont beat yourself up because you bought a new purse or played a round of golf at the new course. Youre human. Keep focused on your long-term goal, and resolve to do better next time. [embedded content] https://www.getrichslowly.org/shopping-addiction/