I'm still, so, so, so fucking scared to say my MCAS is in 'remission' (or as close as you can get with an illness like this), but I just had a gluten-free cupcake with strawberry jam in the middle and a white chocolate ganache on top, and if you'd told me less than four years ago that was a thing I'd be able to eat without going into anaphylaxis and setting myself back months in terms of recovery, I would never have believed you. Hell, a few months ago, I wouldn't have been able to eat this because I wasn't on the right meds.

And today I get to have a little treat with lunch because I feel like it.

So I have a new egg allergy, and it's all a bit overwhelming! I'm sure there is a Tumblr community for food allergy sufferers; anyone have any good resources? Thank you!

Whoever it was who told me that Purina hydrolyzed kibble looks like Corn Pops, you were so right. Smells just like Corn Pops, too. I blame you for pointing it out and making me crave them 🤣

Food log, 11/4: protein shake (500), chicken and egg sandwich (500), steamed rice + grilled chicken (500)

Had to eat really high yesterday because I was with my partner and she’s hellbent on stuffing me with food to help me recover from my sinus infection, but thankfully I was able to purge all of this via-vomiting, minus the shake and of course my meds that I’m on for my infection.

Rn it’s past noon and I haven’t eaten but I’m about to have a lemonade slushie from sonic. We got it yesterday but I froze it to save it for today. Hoping to have just that and some lowcal soup for the day but I’ll let y’all know how that goes come tomorrow- today sonic is having a sale on their shakes and I won’t be surprised if my partner peer pressures me into getting one with her 🤭

TMI, haven’t pooped in a while so gonna use some laxatives and I’m kinda hoping that leads to a big drop in the next couple days. I wanna be at 160 by the end of the month and despite me having been sick and everything I’m actually feeling super motivated.

Speaking of- my partner went to grab breakfast for herself this morning so I actually got to weigh in since she was gone! 167.0! That’s the least I’ve weighed since this relapse started, and I’m really excited about it. I was hoping to be under 167.0 by Monday and now it looks like I may actually get there.

Only issue is I have a doctor’s appointment Tuesday where I know they’re going to weigh me and if they see I’ve lost like 10 pounds since the last appointment in October, there’s going to be questions. I’m going to experiment with layering clothes and seeing how much weight that puts on according to the scale at home. If that mixed with drinking a ton of fluids doesn’t help, I pre-purchased ankle weights in anticipation for this that I can just try and wear under loose pants. I’ll let y’all know how that clownery works out 😂

I’m feeling a lot better since my hospital visit but I’m still really congested so I’m using that as an excuse not to have dairy/milk/anything too fatty while I’m with my partner today.

Last thing; a tip for any of y’all who struggle with stomach acid build up or acid reflux bc of your eating, try Pepcid! It’s over the counter and has been working really well for me lately to manage my hunger-nausea. Zofran is great too but you need a script for that lol.

-tinni💙

The most heartbreaking moment in my life was how when I was a college freshman, I promised myself "I will get a waffle iron when I have my shit together!", 7 shitty apartments and 14 years later, I finally got my shit together, got a waffle iron, only for the doctor, 6 months down the road, to be like, "you shouldn't eat bread anymore."

My life lesson to you....

Don't wait to get the kitchen appliance that will make your favorite food. Because some medical bullshit might come your way if you wait.

And to spite my doctor....I am gonna find a waffle recipe that I can eat. I waited 14 fucking years to make waffles at home for the rest of my life and I ain't tossing this fucking iron. So if any of you gluten free folks know how to make a delicious, sweet, fluffy, CW-ispy waffle, without wheat, almond, chickpea or pea flour, please let me know!!

I'm going to have my waffles dammit!!!

some thoughts on body neutrality, moral perfectionism, and reasons for recovery

I've been having quite a fun time in therapy lately. And I'm gonna be sharing some of the things I've contemplated of late, in part because I am having quite the body-hating week.

In my own experience, having an ED means being a moral perfectionist. I want to point out the present tense here—while I'm officially three years into full remission, I still walk with my ED's voice dictating edicts on all it finds disgusting or reprehensible, and sometimes, I can't distinguish it from my own. The problem with moral perfectionism is that everything is a matter of morals—there is no distinction between logic and emotion. Body positivity feels, at this point, impossible—even if I liked my body (which I don't), it's still too often dysfunctional or achey to really be comfortable with. I'm grateful that it's as functional as it is, but it's still frustrating that it doesn't quite work as I wish it would. Body neutrality should resolve this frustration, or make space for it, at least. But the problem is, how can one be body-neutral when everything, everything, has moral worth? When everything requires judgement?

When I first was ill, my reasons for recovery were thus: I was embarrassed by my illness, and I felt horrible for my parents. So, I forced myself to regain weight, hoping it would mean Mum and Dad wouldn't worry about me any longer. Of course, weight restoration made things better, but it didn't exactly resolve a lifetime of internalised biases and judgements that had culminated in anorexia nervosa. And even all these years later, I still have never had a reason to want recovery on my own terms. I've wanted to not worry others, and I've wanted not to have to ever go back to refeeding. I've wanted not to go back to the vivid, violent intrusive thoughts, or to the possibility of hair loss. But I didn't really want to be well for my own sake, otherwise.

Recently, I've had to avoid FODMAPs, and the result is that I'm restricting again for medical reasons. And it's difficult not to fall back into ignoring dietary advice, difficult not to give into the bit of my brain that wants to maintain the supposedly unwanted weight loss. So, I have to find some reason not to give in, especially when body neutrality feels impossible, and when every percentage of a kilogram lost or gained feels like a sin.

My therapist asked me: if everything is moral, what value do you want to attach weight stability to?

Once, I'd have said 'compassion', because I didn't want to hurt people. This time I stopped a moment, and said 'resilience' instead.

She asks me to elaborate.

'The thing is, if I'm working with "compassion", the problem is that it's all about trying not to upset others. And at the end of the day, that says that my body's inherently an upsetting thing to other people. That it's good or bad. It's feeding back into the same problem as "justice": it's attaching the whole thing to external valuation.

'But if I go with "resilience" instead, it's not about whether it's perceived as better or worse, be that better in terms of"'less large'"or "less sick and less upsetting to others". Instead, the moral worth comes from choosing resistance anyway, regardless of whether other people can see that.'

When you recover because you don't want to hurt people, you still end up believing that your body is either good or bad, and that you are, for all intents and purposes, covered in spikes, and agonising to touch. But if you instead focus on recovery for the sake of your own inner strength, there's capacity for growth, but no chance of feeling judged by the universe itself for existing in ever so slightly a different shape to yesterday. There's still a moral worth and a sense of gratification from working towards resilience, but it's not something you have to scrounge about for.

So, starting from here, I'm in recovery on my own terms. And I think that's important, because it's thus a little easier to tolerate eating, and to tolerate sitting still, and to tolerate aching. It's a little easier to tolerate the weight of being when you exist for your own sake, rather than someone else's.

idk. picky eater rights. im coming to your events and turning my picky bitch nose up at your fancy ass desserts you spent a bajillion hours working over in the kitchen and asking if i can find like a basic ass brownie with no extra flairs or ingredients or steps or whatever the fuck. cry about it. stop trying to feed me

I used to love those anti diet posts that were like "eat that cake. eat that chocolate. do what feels good babe" because they enabled me to keep harming my vital organs. Now they make me want to scream bc like girl I would LOVE to. I'm fighting the urge every second. But I would sugar dose myself into a diabetic coma if I just did what felt good. I would bleed myself into iron deficiency if I did what felt good. Doing what feels good would cause some of my favourite organs to stop functioning. It's made me realize... Doing what feels good is a privilege not all are blessed with.

Relevant to my life right now...

What I wouldn't give for a carrot or an apple.

Update to the Walkers gluten-free shortbread post: I am indeed able to tolerate rice flour again! More importantly, I can eat not one but two whole cookies without problems!!

How do I know this? Well, after multiple days of very, very carefully testing them by eating tiny pieces, I resolved to eat a whole cookie and see how my MCAS did.

...and then I ADHD blipped out while watching something and accidentally ate two. I fully expected to be quite ill after that. MCAS doesn't tend to like sugar, and there is a lot of sugar in shortbread (compared to what I'm used to these days) but! I was fine! No noticeable MCAS symptoms to speak of.

I can eat a pre-packaged food again. I can have a little modern convenience as a treat.

I can have a literal treat as a treat.

I'm still going to be sparing with them because they're hella expensive, and again, sugar is not so great for MCAS, but!!! I can eat a pre-packaged food again. I can have a little modern convenience as a treat.

I can have a literal treat as a treat. And if you think I'm crying over this, you'd be god damn right.

So my allergy results came back and I'm not allergic to peanuts/walnuts/pecans. That's good.

However! I won the fucking genetic lottery again and have a rare allergy to egg yolks! The poor nurse who called to tell me hah. I was just sitting there on the phone trying to process this and bless her, I just said "well fuck me running... Shoot sorry. This is a lot." She was nice about it but god. I don't. Don't even know where to start. I'll have a good cry, call the dietitian they recommended and then I guess get a box and start going through the cupboards.

Re: tags under the post of pictures of a schnitzel, in Polish(/the Polish version?) it's called "kotlet schabowy" :3

!!! omg thank you, i am so charmed that you took the time to tell me this. a small detail of my childhood returned to me...

Sometimes you read something about a recently diagnosed medical condition and go "so THAT'S why I always said wearing corsets actually helped me have less pain" and like.

Hoo boy. I really need to save up for new full torso custom corsets. I need to find someone who can construct it for me too. I suppose I could just try and arrange for medical corsets but they're hideous and I'd like to look fancy.

Food log, 11/3: chocolate protein shake (500)

As y’all know yesterday was eventful lol. I’m tired as fuck and on a horse’s dosage of antibiotics + pepsid which both suck ass to take.

I don’t bother counting any meds or vitamins on these food logs for anyone wondering lol. I take a daily multivitamin, an iron supplement, fish oil, and a hair/nail vitamin too.

May try to eat today but I’m not sure yet. Was unable to weigh myself bc my partner is here but I should be able to weigh in again on Monday! Just hoping I can get under yesterday’s hospital weight of 167.4 by then. Wish me luck!

-tinni💙

I will be honest am only on Instagram for a few friends who use it as their sole social media, and the autoimmune protocol recipe account

has anyone ever gotten low blood pressure (like, for a prolonged time, not just one specific instance) and if so, did you figure out what caused it? i noticed mine’s gotten noticeably lower in the past month or so (it could’ve been for longer, i just wasn’t checking it until this past month).