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bethanydelleman · 1 year

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Don’t Read Pride and Prejudice Again (Try a Different Austen)

I have written promotions for the other novels, but no one needs encouragement to read P&P. So if the lessers must rise, the greatest must fall. So here is EVERYTHING WRONG with Pride & Prejudice. (To be clear, this is satire! I love P&P)

The proposal scenes are totally unbalanced. We get every single CRINGEWORTHY word of Mr. Collins’s terrible proposal, we get exactly one line of Darcy and then “he spoke well” but what did he SAY Miss Austen? Cruel authoress! and absolutely nothing from the cutest couple: Jane and Bingley. (Want the outpouring of the main character’s heart? Try Persuasion)

Too many coincidences! Unless Mr. Darcy is a Time Lord (love you, Doctor Who), there is no way he can always show up at exactly the right time. He arrives when Georgiana is about to elope, comes one day early so he can run into Elizabeth at Pemberley, and walks in THE VERY MOMENT when Elizabeth reads the letter from Jane about Wickham and Lydia. And I’m not even going to get into how very convenient it is that Elizabeth’s estranged cousin knows Darcy’s aunt. Try harder Jane Austen! (To read a book without coincidences, try Mansfield Park).

For a strong heroine, Elizabeth Bennet faces almost no real difficulties. Elinor Dashwood has to deal with her father’s death, but Mr. Bennet just goes on living. Fanny Price must stand strong after rejecting a proposal, but Elizabeth has her father and sister's support after rejecting Mr. Collins. Anne must wait 8 years to be reunited with her true love, Elizabeth waits like 5 weeks. Catherine Morland must travel alone all the way home and wait six months for Henry’s father to approve their marriagr, Elizabeth always travels accompanied and marries as soon as she wishes. Emma has to spend weeks convincing her father that marriage to Knightley is a good idea, Mr. Bennett consents before his daughter even talks to him. It’s easy to be strong when nothing bad ever happens to you, Elizabeth! (You want real strength, read Sense & Sensibility, Elinor is a paragon or Mansfield Park)

Darcy is the least likeable leading man in existence. He makes fun of the Bennets behind their backs, he’s arrogant, he’s snobby, he’s a know-it-all, and he thinks he has the right to make decisions about his friends’ love lives. He is so terrible at flirting that Elizabeth spends half of the book thinking that he hates her. Okay... even I can’t go this far when Rochester and Heathcliff exist. Let’s just say Darcy needs some serious work at the beginning. (If you want a really lovable leading man, try Northanger Abbey. Henry Tilney forever!)

Pride & Prejudice is not long or conclusive enough! I need far more pride and extended prejudice. Why can we not learn the fates of Georgiana, Kitty, and Mary? Why only two measly weddings at the end of the book? I know Jane Austen is capable of three! (For a longer book that leaves every single eligible character married, try Emma)

Good heroines are passe, anti-heroines is where it's really at! Elizabeth Bennet being nice and good is boring. (Try Lady Susan for delicious evil)

Pride & Prejudice, not as good as you thought!

Don’t forget Emma, Northanger Abbey, Mansfield Park, Sense & Sensibility, Persuasion, and even Lady Susan.

#jane austen #pride and prejudice #mansfield park #sense and sensibility #northanger abbey #emma #persuasion #lady susan #remember this is a joke #dont flame me #i love P&P #elizabeth bennet

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badolmen · 5 months

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WARNING 18+

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#ra speaks #it’s a silly joke/pun dw #we stay silly :3 #edit:#woahg. that’s a lot of notes. hi everybody o/#10k. stop clenching your jaw and drink some water.#15k. eat some fresh fruit this week! I’m having kiwis tonight :]#20k. quit sitting like a shrimp it’s bad for your neck! sit up straight and do a little stretch every now and then #25k. I’m up at 2 AM but I’ll get to see the sunrise today :] if you can’t see that I hope you admire the sunset later today #30k. do something fun you haven’t done in a while. I haven’t drawn in months - I think I’ll paint a cat tomorrow :3 #40k. I just slept 9 hours straight for the first time in weeks :] remember to ask for help when you need it! no glory in senseless suffering

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goldensunset · 9 months

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did you know? if you do your laundry you can get your clothes back

#fascinating stuff. let’s see if i (person with the worst executive dysfunction when it comes to doing laundry) remember it #i literally have this issue where i’ll let dirty clothes pile up in the laundry basket for an entire month #like it takes me that long to get around to it #and then- who would’ve thought- i find that i don’t have anything good to wear. strange!#finally did it last night and i’m like ohhh that was so difficult but the payoff finally #augh #peach rambles #hall of fame i guess #shut up about socks. idc.#this was a fun positivity post of sorts it’s about overcoming executive dysfunction #derailing into jokes about losing socks is. it’s not horrible but just boring and annoying #it was supposed to be celebration!! and encouragement!!!

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egophiliac · 2 months

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bring back zooterkins, the best 17th-century swear word

I don't normally do Just Characters Swearing, but. ...this kind of wrote itself and then wouldn't leave my head. it comes from both a piece of character-writing advice that has always stuck with me, and also my conviction that Leona is 1000% funnier as a character if his dialogue has to stay G-rated. let Kalim say fuck, but don't let Leona say bastard.

(I'm sorry)

#art #twisted wonderland #(sort of atemporally somewhere between episodes 6 and 7?)#(i - i wanted that lilia joke okay)#long post #tumblr went 'you can post up to 30 images now :)' and i was like well okay then #anyway once again i'm sorry #i'd say i don't know why i did this but actually it is because i wanted kalim to scandalize everyone #i tried to keep it...you know...tasteful. a tasteful amount of fucks.#hey remember how the framing premise for the original birthday interviews was that yuu worked for the school paper #because i have never forgotten. in my head they are still getting up to all kinds of wacky reporting hijinks.

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t4tails · 10 months

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theres so much happening here

#og post #scene of all time honestly #i remember never understanding the joke at the end as a kid 😭😭

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toxic420tak · 5 months

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#funny memes #haha #hilarious #humor #dank memes #jokes #remember

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fagtainsparklez · 8 months

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i keep seeing people talk about dan and phil who are they???

#muse talk #phantoids #JOKE i just remembered this pic exists and feel the need to abuse it #i’ll rb with an actual explanation one sec

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notbecauseofvictories · 2 months

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I'm re-reading the Discworld series for reasons, and honestly the most relatable part of reading these as an adult is how many of the protagonists start out being tired, used to their little routine and vaguely disgruntled by the interruption of the Plot. Sam Vimes wants to lie drunk in a gutter and absolutely doesn't want to be arresting dragons. Rincewind is yanked into every situation he's ever encountered, though he'd much rather be lying in a gutter too. (Minus the alcohol. Plus regretting everything he's ever done said witnessed or even heard about fourth-hand in his whole life.) Granny Weatherwax is deeply suspicious of foreign parts and that includes the next town over; Nanny has leaned into the armor of "nothing ever happens to jolly grannies who terrorize their daughters-in-law and make Saucy Jokes"

Only the young people don't seem to have picked up on this---and that's fortunate, because someone has to run around making things happen, if only so Vimes and Granny and Rincewind have a reason to get up (complaining bitterly the whole time) and put it all to rights. Without Carrot, Margrat, Eric, etc. these characters don't have that reason; they're likely to stay in the metaphorical gutter and keep wondering where it all went wrong or why anything has to change.

............well, that's not quite true. You get the sense that Vetinari knows how much certain people hate the Plot. And as the person sitting behind the metaphorical lighting board of Ankh-Morpork, he takes no small pleasure in forcing the Plot-haters specifically to stand up, and say some lines.

#I finished guards guards just yesterday and I forgot that vimes and wonse were set up to be mirror images #both boys from the shades of very different natures; who made good (ish) in wildly different ways #also it's interesting reading this books from an adult perspective; my mind isn't blown that these books exist #anymore; plus I've read so many good books since #and they're not perfectly constructed novels! especially these early books;#there are plenty of spots where I can feel the narrative get thin; where there's more handwaving than I remember #but each book IS better and tighter; the jokes are funnier and the irony sharpens; the footnotes are better utilized #the characters are getting more interesting and complicated as opposed to set-ups for jokes.#it's an illustration of someone getting better at their chosen field and that in itself is more impressive than I was anticipating.#discworld

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seldompathic · 3 months

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I really shouldn't listen to Snapcube when I draw

#sonic the hedgehog #sth #sonic art #shadow the hedgehog #remember- he doesn't want his highlights called gay in a derogatory way #so now hes gonna have to disappear Sonic AND the US president #that oughtta teach em a lesson #(((I'm gay and its a Dub joke please dont flame me LMFAO)))

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alyakthedorklord · 11 months

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Batman the Playboy

Justice League, not quite early days but before proper identity reveals, though everyone knows Batman knows theirs, bc he has Opinions™ and Constructive Criticisms™ on their secret-keeping.

The issue is brought up on random occasions. The most notable incident- the Justice League, including Batman, being Drunk for Bonding, and Batman, in a fit of paranoid good intentions because he CARES about these idiots, damnit, why must they be so careless, starts insulting them.

Batman, leaning heavily on the table: “GL, you’re a mess, I don’t even know where to start with you. And Arrow! Your goatee is so distinctive, it’s a wonder no one has called you out on it-“

Green Arrow, also drunk: “Alright, there’s no need to insult my awesome facial hair-”

Batman, in despair: “It’s so ugly.”

Green Arrow: (offended noises)

Green Lantern: “Okay, the only reason you know our secret identities is because you’re a rude nosy bastard who needs to know everything about us like a creepy stalker who needs an ego boost! We’re not stupid, Spooky, we’re just polite. We could figure you out easily if we wanted to. Superman can see right through your mask!”

Usually, Batman would have a good response to that. Something smart and reasonable like “villains won’t care for your privacy, I’m testing you,” or something cutting like “I don’t care enough about you to go digging, I set your secret identity as a training exercise for Robin.”

However, Batman is Drunk, because for some reason imbibing drugs that dampen higher brain function is socially acceptable and often, for some reason, expected, because it’s “team bonding” and “come on just loosen up a bit.” (Also for him, drunk=Brucie)

So what Batman ends up saying is: “I could kiss you full on the lips in my secret identity and you wouldn’t know a thing.”

Superman, plucking the glass from Batman’s hand: “Aaaand that is enough alcohol for you!”

Batman nods. Thank God. He wants to go home and sleep. But first: “Superman, yours is so stupid it’s almost impressive-”

———

Of course, Green Lantern has smelled a challenge. And Green Lantern must annoy Batman. It’s his true superpower. So, the next time they meet (sober) he brings up the issue again.

GL: “So about what you said at the party… the part where you could kiss us full on the lips without us knowing. You still confident in that without liquid courage, Spooky? Bet you your real name you can’t do it.”

Batman, regretting the fact that alcohol has ever passed his lips: “I could do it, but I will not.”

Flash, curious: “Why’s that?”

Batman: “Informed Consent. I will not risk making any of you feel violated, or manipulated, for the sake of a stupid bet and my ego.”

GA, still offended by the goatee comment, trying to back Batman into a corner: “So if we give consent, we’re fair game? Try me, Batman. Even you can’t pull this off. Anyone else game?”

Some of the Justice League laughs, raising their hands.

Flash: “Come get me, hot stuff! I’ll call you out!”

Wonder Woman: “It could be amusing.”

Martian Manhunter: “I would be far too difficult a target.”

Green Arrow: “Not just you. C’mon, Spooky, flirting well enough to get a kiss from me? I’m a classy lady.”

Black Canary: “D-class, maybe.”

Superman, wants a kiss in on the fun: 🙋🏻‍♂️

“So that’s it then!” Green Lantern says smugly. “Batman, if you can kiss… how many people raised their hands? Ah yes- HALF THE JUSTICE LEAGUE, without anyone realizing it’s you, then you win.”

Batman scoffs and walks out, leaving the Justice League in stitches at their joke. Because- Batman? Being good enough at flirting to land a kiss on half the league, without it being forced or awkward, without them recognizing his body language, his voice, his build? How ridiculous!

The Batman is Autistic. The Batman does not understand jokes, especially not ones that are half truths. The Batman has consent, and something to prove.

And Bruce Wayne, billionaire, playboy, and sexy DILF, has targets.

(Please tell me how you think he gets each League member.)

Edit: there have been a bunch of awesome additions in the notes! My own take here.

#a few months later GL brings it up #like ‘ha ha remember funny joke’#batman: ‘…joke?’#justice league #😳#yes joke #autistic batman #batman #brucie wayne #justice leauge shennanigans #batman the playboy

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chickadee-chariot · 8 months

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*touches your face softly with my long manicured wizard nails* you could not begin to comprehend the depths and depravity of my transsexualism

#you think i'm joking #SIGH. let this be remembered as the day i turned my phone on silent bc of the transsexual saruman post #bc im fascinated by this let oct 23 be remembered as the day it took off again

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protosymphonette · 3 days

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happy pride month everybody

#fallout #fallout new vegas #fnv #craig boone #courier 6 #it took me ten minutes to remember the word redundancy im not joking #symphonart

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morganbritton132 · 18 days

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Eddie, to his followers: Before I say anything, just want everybody to know that I love my husband. I love everything about him.

Eddie: But the thing is, he’s had a few head injuries and sometimes he forgets things. And that is okay!

Eddie: It happens! No one is holding it against him. I’ve got ADHD, I forget shit all the time, but.

Eddie: But he missed a couple shifts at work and a basketball game Lucas was in once thirty years ago, and I’ve been ass deep in calendars ever since.

Eddie: So, we have this *makes background the party’s shared calendar*

Eddie: And Steve has this *holds up Steve’s daily planner that contains all the same information*

Eddie: And this *shows calendar on their fridge that also contains the same information*

Eddie: And this *shows storage boxes labeled ‘Steve’s planners ‘1987-2015’ and ‘2016-‘*

Eddie: You know what that means?

Eddie: It means he’s going to know that I forgot to tell him that I gotta be in LA this weekend. He’s going to be pissy about it.

#Eddie: So yeah. I know I forgot to tell you and I’m sorry. you know how ADHD is #Steve: *points to Eddie’s flight time on the shared calendar* Is this a joke to you?#Eddie: Wait. You knew? I just remembered about it #Steve: …I booked your flight for you. You told me last week #eddie munson tiktok saga #eddie munson #steve harrington

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evanzbuck · 4 months

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Alex moves to stand over him, looking down at that soft pink mouth. He feels himself standing at a very tall, very dangerous precipice, with no intention of backing away.

↳ for @nelsonnicholas @sunshinestrand