i am so sleeby ausghhsh

Face fam but they're not related my beloved. Makes shipping much more fun

yup! i just love their dynamics, and honestly i find it really hard to even make them related in regular human au's? seeing as they've all got different backgrounds and such! (that's another reason why i like using amelia n madeline when i make face fam aus since i can just mould them to how i like)

anyway, whilst there r ships in this au, they're all... so unhinged, since it's fun. i will also use this as an opportunity to talk about the dynamics they all have in this. i'm not sure if you've seen fight club and i definitely don't want to spoil it for people who haven't, because it’s one of those movies that you should watch without knowing anything about it - so i'll chuck them all under the cut!

warning: spoilers for fight club

okay, some background on arthur first. basically he's an office worker with terrible anger issues, and he's trying to deal with the fact that he's attracted to men. it's the 90s and he was raised in a pretty traditional household, so it isn't something he can completely accept about himself. in fact he really does his best to repress it, but he's not super great at that, and he's got a bad temper. he can't deal with going to therapy because talking about his feelings is hard, especially in that sort of environment. he feels like it's not authentic and he just has trouble articulating his feelings.

now onto the relationships

arthur and francis

so, instead of going to therapy arthur goes to support group meetings for his anger issues. he likes hearing about other peoples experiences because it makes him feel a little less fucked up. he sees francis at these meetings too and one day approaches him because he finds him attractive since francis never seems to talk about himself at meetings. francis is just like "huh, no i don't have anger issues. i just need the free coffee" or some bullshit thing like that, which just makes arthur EXPLODE.

arthur hates him but in good fruk fashion, they always seem to be talking and bickering anyway, which just leads them to having this weird sort of uneasy 'friendship'. basically, francis is the marla in this au.

another thing about francis is that he's super androgynous, he typically wears feminine clothing and is openly queer which arthur just resents. on the surface level, he makes it seem like he's just disgusted for period typical homophobic reasons, but in reality he's actually rather... jealous. jealous that someone can be so open and uncaring about the world, which is something he so desperately wants to be able to do himself.

arthur and matthew

okay, so @alfredfjonesstan and i strayed the furthest away from the actual fight club plot with matthew's character. basically, we made him arthur's boss. matthew's his typical self, he's a respectable boss who's surprisingly kind for someone in his position. there's no real reason for arthur to hate him at first, but since arthur is arthur, he finds a reason to.

matthew is... annoyingly attractive. his long blonde hair frames his face well, he's got a sharp jawline, soft shaped almond eyes that just radiate warmth and kindness - obviously arthur's going to find that a little cute. but since he's having trouble coming to terms with his attraction to men, this just makes arthur resent matthew so much. he can't help that he finds him attractive, and that's what pisses him off the most. of all things, arthur wants control, and this is just something he has absolutely no hold over.

anyway, one day they're both at the same bar after work because #coincidences. they're both a bit tipsy and arthur finally has his guard down for once. one thing leads to another, and matthew sorta... makes a move. arthur's conflicted because he wants this, he really wants this, but his better instincts kick in and he reacts with anger and disgust. he convinces himself that he’s disgusted with matthew since he’s his boss and he shouldn’t have done that, (which also has some truth to it) but really it’s more about his internalised homophobia. anyway from then on it gets really awkward between them, matthew tries to apologise the next day but y’know... arthur’s a shithead and just brushes him off. 

arthur and alfred

OKAY so alfred is basically his tyler durden. MEGA SPOILERS now, but whether or not alfred is literally arthur, or just his imaginary best friend is... still in the works. either way, alfred is arthur’s projection of what he desires for himself... in the grand, beautiful shape of a matthew look alike. just an edgier, unhinged version of him. 

it’s basically the same as their movie relationship, arthur meets alfred and alfred convinces arthur to drop everything to pick up a new life in an abandoned house, work odd jobs with him and start a fight club. there’s just a greater emphasis on the domesticity of it all. arthur, without realising it, is basically getting his dream life, getting to live with a handsome man in a house of their own free from judgement. but then ‘alfred’ starts fucking francis on the reg, but in reality it’s just arthur doing so. ‘alfred’ becomes this sorta leader to the fight club, but in reality it’s arthur. 

he doesn’t quite understand why he gets so upset whenever alfred seems to talk to other people, or why he absolutely loathes the fact that alfred and francis are sleeping together, and everything is just really confusing and he blames francis for crumbling his ‘perfect little life’ that he’d started to build. (which is just crazy to francis because in reality arthur is just a weird guy that lives alone in an abandoned house but... go off i guess) 

but yeah, once it’s revealed that alfred is just a figment of arthur’s imagination then he finally gets an opportunity to sort his shit out... after saving the city from whatever stupid shit he’s done through his alfred alter ego. 

hi i’m listening to my sad playlist so just ignore this i’m in my feelings

i’ll put a read more so u don’t have to scroll but i doubt i’ll write tonnes i don’t wanna be overly sad for too long LMAO

content warning: a tiny mention of depression, tiny mention of trauma, tiny mention of food/eating — this is basically a ramble of me being sad but you don’t have to read! i’m ok! just trying to cope in a healthy way!

for h&r: you’re literally one of my favourite things about being alive. the laughter we share in the groupchat at 3am as we mindlessly share sleep deprived stories or through talking about our ex partners or traumatic experiences. you have made every single bad experience of this year all that much easier.

r — thank you for helping me through 2018. i couldn’t have and wouldn’t have been able to do it alone, thank you for holding me whilst i cried over stupid boys and thank you for saving me from weird men at parties. your hands have always been the nicest to hold<3

h — after such a draining six months, the time we have been friends has been the best time of my life. the laughter u send in voice notes or rambles you send over about your boyfriend, it’s all enough to keep that smile on my face a little bit longer. i love you both through and past every planet. @delusionalwoman (i’m ok. don’t call an ambulance)

i don’t think anyone will fully be able to comprehend how dependent i am on my friends — probably because i went so long without being able to have any. but with h always encouraging my work and reading every piss piece of writing i publish at 4 in the morning after crying and going through a depressive episode, and b being there to make me laugh and help me eat again - i think i’m okay leaning on them when i need to. i went so long with the fear of judgement and coming across as weak and clingy not realising that as i pushed the two of them away, i was also pushing away the two people who make me the happiest little thing in the world. i don’t think i can thank them enough.

for my amazing mutuals who continue to read my work and make me feel like i’m actually ... good at what i do — thank you. i love you all so much <3

whoa this has change my perspective,, when i was younger ( 12y/o) i used to laughed at my friend because she was autistic and she always did weird stuffs and i didn’t really know much about it but now im 19y/o i realised how much i have actually affected my friend, and all i’m saying is,, it’s 2020 and we should all learn how to accept people for who they are.

it’s really so normalized to be ableist, like you said you didn’t even realize until years later the impact things like that can have. i was called the r word and bullied a lot for my autistic traits as a kid, even before i or anyone else knew i was autistic. stimming, having a hard time vocalizing, lack of volume control, and thats just to name a few, were all things that made it harder for me to fit in. i was bullied so, so much in school for a variety of reasons but all of the ableist things people flung at me stuck with me the most i think.

it’s hard to judge someone for what they did at twelve years old, i mean hell even my own sister would tease me sometimes for my autistic traits when we were young before she knew the kind of impact those words can have. the fact that you have clearly grown up and acknowledge what you did wrong back then and have made efforts to change your perspective is commendable and i thank you for that, some people never see that what they’re saying can be perceived as ableist and offensive.

i’m just happy that having the platform i have on here i can use it to not only write and do what i love but to educate people on issues like this and to be a source of information and a place for people to ask questions with no judgement about autism. people just simply aren’t educated on it, and id like to change that in any way i can, whether it be writing accurate representation or answering anons questions as long as they’re respectful.

Teeth: Vampire!Luke // Chapter 5

Author’s Note: this took fucking f o r e v e r to write i’m so sorry. btw, happy new year everyone!!

Summary: Luke knows the rules and his boundaries, he has respected them for centuries. He knows he should stay as far away as possible from every human on his path. But that was before she came along.

Warnings: harassment

masterlist | chapter 4 | chapter 6

Done. That’s what I was. It had been two weeks, two weeks, of insufferable headeaches, hellish and way too vivid nightmares and unreasonable shaking, zoning out, all because of him. I was done having to endure all of this. I didn’t know how or why all of this was happening to me, but even my newfound friends were starting to realise something was off with my behaviour. What bothered me the most was that he walked around seemingly carefree, unbothered and only when our gazes met - which was way more often than I was willing to admit - he put on a sarcastic, knowing smirk. I didn’t even know why I was so frustrated and angry at him, I didn’t even know the guy, but it felt right.

“Do you guys know each other?” asked Ashley, bringing me back to reality. Only then I realised I had been, in fact, caught in the middle of a staring match with Luke - who was sitting on the other side of the cafeteria. I shook my head no as an answer. Michael laughed.

“It looks like you’re either going to rip each other’s throats or, I don’t know, hook up in the genitor’s closet” he stated, taking a bite of his sandwich. I looked at him with wide eyes, choking on my own lunch. “What?!”

The other three smiled, amused. “You should go talk to him” said Calum. “You two look like you have unfinished business” I grew more and more perplexed as something in me told me that my blue-haired friend was right.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” I stated then, resolute not to leave my table just to go over there and feel like I was about to faint just because he was so close to me.

“For God’d sake, Bea!” sighed loudly Ashley. “Just go! We want to know what’s up with you and big bore Hemmings” she laughed lightly. Don’t call him like that - was the first reaction my brain had. “Come on! You’re always staring at each other and there’s this weird tension even if you avoid each other a lot. Talk to the guy and find out which one of Mike’s two options it is” they all smiled encouragingly, but at this poit it felt like they only wanted something new to talk about. Shaking it off I gave in, giving a death glare to the beaming trio as it watched me take my tray and stand up. “You’ll pay for this” I tried sounding threatening.

“You’ll thank us later!” shouted Michael as I turned my back to them, making a beeline for the lonely table at which he sat alone.

Again he smirked, amused, as I plopped down on the chair in front of him, snorting. “To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?” he asked then.

“Nosy, insufferable friends” I answered dryly. He laughed, I sighed. Actually being here felt very strange, unlike all the other times when just knowing he was around gave me enormous waves of anxiety, I felt very calm. Still, I didn’t know how to avoid the awkwardness of the silence that was alienating us from the rest of the cafeteria. “I’d never thought you’d come up to me” he said quietly then.

I looked at him confused. “Well, you usually startle me into very short conversations so I thought it’d be only fair if I did the same for once” I smiled.

“You didn’t startle me”

“You kind of look like nothing could ever scare you, so I gave up” I offered as an explanation. He shrugged, admitting the truth of my statement. None of us spoke after that, I started eating my lunch once again as I felt Luke’s gaze on me, following my every action attently. “Your friends really don’t know how to mind their own business, huh?” he asked and looking up at him I noticed his eyes were focused on something behind me. Turning around slightly I caught my three friends hurriedly going back to eating their own lunches and engaging in a very nonexsistent conversation. I laughed lightly as I saw Michael trying to subtly wink at me before letting his eyes wander back to the improvised conversation Calum and Ashley were having.

“What did he wink at you for?” of course he would’ve noticed. Turning back to face him I felt a rush of heat possessing my face - no doubt I was blushing thinking back to my friend’s words. Against my better judgement, as if my filter had been completely removed, I let myself voice my thoughts. “He thinks we’re either going to kill each other or end up hooking up in the genitor’s closet”

Oh, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Luke smirked as soon as the words left my mouth and I felt the urge to run out of the cafeteria and go bury myself six feet under. “Is that so?” he asked quirking a brow, the smirk everpresent on his face. He leaned towards me, resting his elbows on the table and his face in his hand. “So what’s it gonna be, the former or the latter?”

As if a wave of bravery had washed over me, I found myself discarding my lunch tray and mirroring his actions. “The former if you dare ask again” and his smirk only widened some more at my words as I struggled to keep my cool, yet somehow managed. “We’ll see about that, sweetheart” he said lowly, swiftly standing up and walking towards the exit. I sat there, frozen. After a few moments I regained the strength to stand up, leaving my luch behind as I had lost appetite, and walked back to my table where I was faced by three pairs of wondering eyes.

“Did he give you a time to meet at the genitor’s closet?” asked Ashley with a teasing smile.

“Sure looks like it” laughed Michael.

“Oh, shut up” I said sitting down, realizing soon after that they were still waiting on an answer. “No, he didn’t!” I exclaimed shoked that they were seriously thinking he had. They all laughed, leaving the topic to rest when they tried interrogating me about what he’d said and saw my expression.

After the last lesson of the day I walked with my friends towards Calum’s car in the school’s parking lot. Chatting for a while longer I informed them of my decision to spend the rest of the afternoon at the public library to do some work, hence declining the blue-haired boy’s offer to drive me home. I waved at them as they all got into his old Toyota, the scene quite funny to me as Ashley and Michael wrestled for the front seat.

As they drove off I started my walk towards the beautiful gothic building, finding it shorter than expected. Deciding upon entering it to find a quiet space away from the study hall, reserved for students to study but used by them to fuck around and be loud, I marched towards the classics section once again. Most of the tables set in some of the wider corridors created by the bookshelves were already occupied, but I luckily found a chair no one was using in a nook and deciding it would have to make do, I sat down.

Two hours and little to no progress on my Maths worksheet later, I decided to give up. This afternoon my attention span was shorter than ever before and a headache was quick to originate after losing my mind on the first excercise out of eight. After packing my belongings I stood up from my spot and walked through the bookshelves on my way to the exit. The sun was about to set and the air was chillier than when I had entered the building. I almost wanted to call my mom and ask if she could pick me up, knowing that by the time I would’ve reached home it would be dark out. However, my phone was dying and I decided against it, thinking saving battery for emergencies would’ve been smarter. Nothing could possibly happen and the walk wasn’t that long after all.

Except it was and I had forgotten the way after just about ten minutes and two wrong turns. I’m an idiot - I thought, groaning in frustration, noticing the sky was already almost dark. Giving up, I decided to give my mom a call but while looking for her contact, hoping my phone wouldn’t give out after using it unsuccesfully for the Maps app, my phone did exactly what I expected. Fucking amazing. I sighed heavily, turning around and making my way back to the library, knowing it was the smartest decision. Someone was bound to be there and willing to lend me their phone for a call.

“Lost your way?” things just keep getting better and better, huh? I just kept walking, fastening my pace to match the quick rythm of my heart. “Hey, I’m talking to you!” the voice kept calling, but I ignored it, not daring looking behind me. Suddenly someone grabbed me from the elbow and spun me around, my heart getting caught in my throat in fear. “I expect an answer to a question, didn’t your parents teach you that?” terror was coursing through my veins, my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. The man was now closer than he needed to be, invading my personal space. I tried shoving my arm out of his grasp but it didn’t work, only making him laugh at my feeble attempt of rebellion. “Let me go” I said, trying not to let the fear get the best of me but my voice sounded weak and fragile to my own ears. The man only laughed harder. “I don’t think I’m gonna”

I tried breaking away from him once again, failing, but at least I managed to stomp on his foot. He let out a huff of frustration, quickly looking up at the sky in what I hoped was at least a bit of pain. Taking advantage of the moment I landed a kick in his groin as hard as I could and it worked as he loosened his grip on my arm just a little. I shoved him again, effectively freeing myself from his grasp and started running as fast as I could in the direction I came from, ignoring his voice screaming at me. With every stride I took I saw a more trafficated street coming into view, my heart feeling the least bit lighter as I approached it. I was still running -panting heavily- right before turning onto the street the library was in, when I collided with something. Or better, someone.

His familiar eyes searched mine as he put his hands on my shoulders to keep me from falling, I tried catching my breath, his hold onto me disappearing once I was stable on my feet. “Is everything okay?” he asked, noticing my state. For a second I tried to think of an answer. Of course I wasn’t in the slightest bit okay and thinking back to what just happened made reality come crashing down on me. I felt my eyes burn with tears as I struggled to breathe. Worry was etched on Luke’s features, I could tell, and my lack of an answer was probably upsetting him even more. “I-I just.. I was trying to go back home b-but, I forgot the way a-and got sort of lost and this m-man..” I couldn’t bring myself to say more as I hid my face behind my shaking hands and cried. I really didn’t want to break down in front of him, but I couldn’t help it. I tried drying my tears after a short while and taking long calming breaths, still I couldn’t manage to calm down. I let my eyes search for Luke’s, which held a look that could kill; he was visibly angry, very much so, and was scanning the little crowd of people coming and going.

“I-I don’t think he’s followed me” I muttered, catching his attention. “I didn’t stop to c-check” He nodded, his stance relaxing just one bit and his eyes softening as he seemed to be taking my appearence in. “I’ll walk you home” he said then. “Where do you live?” I told him the name of the street, before following him in the right direction.

The walk wasn’t too long, as I remembered, and comfortably quiet. I sometimes looked at Luke, taking in his resolute gaze, while trying to come up with excuses for my mom - eventually failing.

As we reached the front porch of my house, he waited for me to go up to the door first. “Thank you for walking me back” I said, hating that my voice still sounded so small. Then he took a step closer to me, giving me a little smile. “If you ever want to walk back home when it’s dark out, please ask me” he said with a kind, soft voice. I was a little taken aback by this side of Luke and his offer, nonetheless thankful for it, and found myself mirroring his little smile. “I will”

Luke waited until her figure disappeared behind the front door, lingering for a bit and listening to her mother’s worried questions. The literal fury that had took over him the second he understood what had happened came back with vengence as he listened to her small voice explain the events. It subsided only when she mentioned his name, but as he made his way back to where they came from and her voice disappeared slowly, the feeling took over once again. And although he had sworn to never do this again, although he knew what he was allowed and what not, he threw all of it along with caution out the window. He couldn’t let this slide, he wouldn’t. Especially when it came to her. It had been less than a century and absolutely nothing had changed - even if he had tried hard to, he realized.

So as he set out for the hunt, he stopped fighting the urge to suppress the memories altogether.

tags: @keithseabrook27

Campfire Confession - Charles Smith/Fem-Reader (Not-SFW)

TAGS: Spoiler Free, Fem-Reader, Not-SFW, first time, loss of virginity, romantic, fingering, confessions, alcohol, fluff

Charles listens to your humorous campfire tale, and it leads him to an incredible revelation…

4,312 words

Read on AO3

-♥-

A series of happy fortunes had the gang in high spirits. As a result, a small party had taken off. You were fairly certain it was Uncle who’d started it, but you weren’t about to point fingers or complain. The night had been a pleasant and comfortable one. No fights, arguments, or drama. Just the gang at their finest.

But time marched onwards, and it soon became the tail-end of the party. Most had gone to bed, save for Javier, who was still playing, and other stragglers such as Arthur and Pearson. The remnants were all about the campfire, with you and Charles sat a few feet away on the grass.

Charles had his back pressed against a tree, his legs stretched forward in front of him and a bottle of wine in his hand. You were sat across from him, your legs curled sideways and your fingers occupied with braiding blades of grass.

You’d had sat together for hours now, slowly draining the shared bottle together. It was an expensive brand you’d lifted out of a manor a few days ago and saved for a special occasion. It was only natural you’d share it with Charles. He was your closest friend after all.

He brought the bottle up to his lips as Javier’s song drew to an end. Silence fell for several minutes as he stretched his hands and took a drink. You glanced up over at the fire as Pearson stood up and excused himself for the night.

“You never finished your story.” Charles pointed out, leaning forward to place the bottle in front of you.

“Oh, right!” you smirked and took a quick gulp. “Where was I…”

“The creek.”

“Ahh.. yes.” you giggled, “When we got there it started rainin’ hard, but it had been a good half-hours ride and we didn’t want to have wasted it. So, we ride up to this old house up the way.”

You loved telling this story. It was a good tale from your younger, more innocent days. Almost everyone in camp had to know it by now. But Charles was newer, quieter, and serious. Tales of your childhood antics rarely came up in conversation with him.

“Real nasty old place, holes in the walls and rats’ nests. But it was shelter. When we got there though, it looked… lived in.”

“Lived in?”

“Yep. Holes were sorta patched up, old campfire outside and when we went in, there was bedding. But no sign of anyone. Must’ve been gone for a few days ‘cause the rats were back.”

“How mysterious.” Charles grinned and pressed his head back against the tree.

“Very.” you agreed, “Jack got scared. Said we should go home, but I wasn’t hearin’ it. Told him if someone showed up we’d just explain. So, we ended up stayin’ anyways.”

“We’re poking around when we find some bottles of shine. Course, we didn’t know what it was, but it didn’t stop us tryin’ it. From the first mouthful, I swear we were drunk. It was so strong.”

“You drank out of random bottles?” Your singular audience snapped out of his listening to give you a surprised and slightly judgemental look.

“Well…” you rubbed your face awkwardly. “We were young.”

“You are lucky.”

“Stop ruining my story, Charles.” You chastised, wagging your finger. “It all worked out just fine.”

“Sorry.” he chuckled. “Continue.”

“At first we’re nervous and scared. Never drank anythin’ like that before. But curiosity got the better of us. ‘Fore we knew it we was piss drunk. Couldn’t get up if we had wanted to.”

“Then, Jack looks at me like he ain’t never seen a woman before. His eyes light up and he’s struggling onto his knees, all excited. I’m laughin’ at him ‘cause he looks like a ripe idiot til he says he loves me and wants to prove it.”

“Wait, what?” Charles snapped his eyes open and stared at you.

“Yup.” You nodded and grinned, “So, us drunken idiots start foolin’ around. It’s as elegant as you can imagine. But just as he’s tryin’ to put it in me… the door swings open.”

Charles, already gaping at you, looked positively astonished. You could tell he hadn’t expected your story to be this at all. The effect made you grin with satisfaction.

“Both of us turn in horror and find our faces mirrored. ‘Cept it’s none other than the priest and the baker’s wife.” You started laughing now, picturing their faces in your head. “Turns out, they was having an affair and using the old place for it. Was one hell of an awkward conversation!”

“I bet it was…”

“They couldn’t take us home like that so they had us sleep it off.” Your laughter died off as you took a gulp of wine, frowning slightly. “Jack got weird after that… and then it weren’t long til I ended up in this life.”

“Did you end up sleeping with him?” Charles asked, his voice and features set, unreadable.

You could feel his eyes on you as you fumbled. You hadn’t actually slept with anyone. From that day until now you hadn’t engaged with a man. It wasn’t for a lack of willing participants; you had just never sought the opportunity. Perhaps it was your upbringing or a matter of pride. Or maybe it was just one of those things.

“Uh, no.” you admitted, swallowing. “I’ve never done anything like that.”

An awkward silence fell between you as he stared. You brought the wine to your lips several times just for something to do.

“You…” Charles faltered. He wasn’t sure what to say. “You’ve never had sex?”

Heat burned in your face at his bluntness. Wording it that way made it seem a much bigger deal. Embarrassment wasn’t quite the word for what you were experiencing.

“Th-that’s what I said.” you gazed down at the grass in your hands. “I suppose I’ve waited?”

“Well…” His eyes fixed on you. “There’s no shame in that.”

His words made you look over at him. It wasn’t the first intimate conversation you had shared; you both knew each other well, but this was different. A vulnerability you were unaware you had. Even in your reasonably intoxicated state, you appreciated his kindness and respect. Any other gang member would tease you relentlessly.

“Have… you?” You enquired tentatively.

“Yes. A few times.”

“Is… Do you like it?”

“Usually.”

You laughed and Charles joined in. The tense air faded away and you set the bottle aside. An odd sensation prickled in your stomach. It wasn’t unpleasant as much as it tickled. Perhaps it was the drink. You shuffled closer to Charles until you were beside him by the tree. Javier was still by the fire, but he was no longer playing. Everyone else had vanished and so he was taking the time to tune his instrument. Your mind wandered as you watched him quietly. It was long past your usual sleep time, yet you didn’t feel tired. Instead, you felt unusually alert and coherent.

You turned your head back to Charles, only to find him peering at you. Meeting his intense look, you swallowed nervously. You weren’t sure why he was looking at you that way. It made you self-conscious. After a moment, your hands nervously pushed a loose lock behind your ear, breaking your eye contact. However, this was brief.

His warm, strong hand slowly reached for your jaw. He gave you ample time to question him or pull away, but you didn’t. His fingers slid towards your hairline as he leaned slowly in, angling your chin as he did. Your eyes slid shut automatically and his lips met yours.

It was a short and chaste kiss. His lips were warm and soft against yours. He pulled away to look into your eyes and you understood why.

For a man with such an intimidating presence, he was kind-hearted at his core. You knew he wanted you to want him. He wanted you to know you could refuse. He wanted to do it right.

You leaned forward and reconnected with him, and this time he didn’t pull away. His lips moved against yours, gently and passionately. You could tell he was experienced. You followed his lead as best as you could. The hand that wasn’t on your jaw found its way to your shoulder as he slid his tongue across your bottom lip. With a muted sigh,, you parted your lips, and he entered your mouth. He tasted of wine and something intangible, unique to him. His tongue danced with yours slowly and intimately.

All your shyness melted away as the kiss continued. Your hand pressed against his chest as your other gripped his shoulder. Sounds you had never made before met your ears, and they would have embarrassed you if they hadn’t encouraged him. His hand moved to your hair, drawing your lips harder against his. Heat pooled between your thighs.

All too quickly, he drew away from you for air. Both of you sat breathless, staring desperately at each other, before he crashed his lips against yours once more. The kiss grew ever fiercer as you explored each other. Your hands slid over his broad shoulders, muscled arms and wide chest, while his slid over you in kind.

Kissing Charles was something you hadn’t realised you wanted. His friendship was invaluable to you, always there when you needed him, but you never thought of him this way. Now you were here though, you let your feelings lose. You regularly admired him for being handsome, strong and kind. Even as his passions got the better of him, he was gentle. Your heart pounded with excitement… and something more.

“Charles..!” you gasped as you broke apart.

“(y/n)…” he breathed, cupping your face and looking into your eyes. “Do you like this?”

“I love it…”

“Do you want more?”

“Yes, please.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m certain.”

“Come with me.”

He stood up, taking your hand into his and helping you up. Looking around, he saw that Javier had gone. The camp was eerily still and silent. He hurried over to the fire and picked up a spare bedroll from there. Then still holding your hand, he led you out into the trees. Your heart was hammering in your chest. The heat Charles had cultivated in you seemed to fade as he took you deeper into the dark. Anxiety plucked at your mind with the knowledge of what is going to happen. You trusted Charles wholeheartedly. He had never given you a reason to fear him. Even now, he was gentle and compassionate. Yet you were afraid. Did you want to give yourself up? What if it hurt? What if something went wrong?

Reaching a clearing a decent way off from camp, Charles dropped the bedroll onto the ground. He let go of you to flatten it out properly. Then he turned and saw the look on your face.

“You changed your mind.”

“No!” you shook your head. “It’s… not that.”

“Then what is it?” his voice was kind as he moved closer, taking both of your hands in his.

“I’m…” you hesitated. “I’m scared.”

“Oh, (y/n)…” he sighed softly, “I would never hurt you. If you don’t want to… if you’re not ready I-”

“I do want to.” you took a deep, steadying breath. “I trust you. I… I want it to be you, Charles.”

For a long moment he stared into your eyes, searching for any shred of doubt or concern. Then he kissed you more softly and tenderly than he ever had. All your fears and anxieties washed away. You wanted Charles. Wanted him as you had never dared hope for. You slid your arms around his back, moving your lips lovingly against his.

As your lips worked together, he started to undress you. His fingers working away the buttons of your shirt, breaking the kiss once your collar was bared to him. He trailed kisses from your lips and down your neck, giving you only the slightest of nips. As he reached your collarbones, he kissed them and raised his head to whisper;

“You’re beautiful.”

His words drew heat to your face. No one had ever spoken to you like this. Your eyes met his in the half-light as he smiled warmly. Following your rush of affection, you caught his face in your hands and pulled him into another kiss. This time, however, you weren’t shy. You ran your hands along his shoulders and then down his chest, feeling at the muscles you didn’t know he had, until you reached the hem of his shirt.

You hesitated, your fingers lingering at his belt. Charles took your hand in his and slipped it under the fabric, your fingertips pressing on his hot, bare skin. He released you as a jolt of passion coursed through your veins as you ran your hand along his abs.

His skin was soft, hairless, and nicked with scars. Each contour you met, you traced curiously, wanting to commit every one to memory. If this was your only time with him, you wanted to make it count. He sighed appreciatively against your mouth. You wondered how long it had been since a lover had touched him.

After feeling him for some time, you withdrew your hand, only to tug lightly on his shirt hem, encouraging him to remove it. Charles complied at once, pulling it over his head in a fluid movement and tossing it aside. A gasp slipped from you at the sight of him bared. The moonlight catching him in all the right places. You couldn’t help but stare in admiration.

“You too.” He whispered, moving to continue unbuttoning your shirt.

You let him and in no time at all, your shirt was dropped onto his, leaving you in your corset and chemise. Slowly, you moved together in unison to reconnect your lips.

A pair of large hands found your waist and slowly slid upwards, feeling your silhouette. Finally, one of them found the lace of your corset working smoothly to loosen it. You abandoned his mouth to trail kisses along his shoulders and chest, giving him time to focus on undressing you. Once it felt loose enough, he unbuttoned the front and threw it away. The loss of pressure and structure made you sigh with relief. You pulled your chemise over your head, and it joined the growing pile on the ground.

The two of you pulled apart and looked at each other, half-bared for the first time. His keen eyes taking you in made you both embarrassed and delighted.

“Wow… (y/n)…” His voice was quiet, dripping with admiration. “You’re beautiful.”

“So are you…” You breathed back.

Your fingers found his bared chest, this time you could watch their path as they traced. His large hands found your waist again, sliding them along your skin and tracing small circles with his thumbs. So, this is how it feels to be loved. To be cherished. To be adored.

He carved a path upwards to the curve of your breasts, pausing for a tantalising moment before his hands encapsulated them.

His powerful hands were tender and tentative as he softly squeezed and fondled them. You sighed at the sensation, and his dark eyes met yours. The sight of his desire and affection for you stole your breath away. A thumb found your hardened nipple and traced a slow, steady circle over it. Heat burned in your face as a delighted sound slipped from you. “I want to hear.” Charles soothed, pulling you flush against him, his palm in the small of your back. “Please.”

You nodded, and he continued to rub his thumb over you. Each touch added fuel to the fire growing in your core and your vocalisations told him so. Your eyes never separated, his full of heat and curiosity, yours shy and hungry.

After his ministrations turned to your other breast, he started to remove your skirts. With your help, they were soon abandoned, and he released you to undress himself. Together you moved onto the bedroll, laid side by side in your underwear. You could see the sizable tent he was pitching, and it sent a surge of desire down your spine. But his sweet hand grazed your stomach, drawing your gaze back to his face. His full lips were parted and his eyes loving. You swallowed at the sight, your heart fluttering. You hoped he meant it.

“Let me prepare you.” His request was punctuated by his fingers plucking at the waist of your bloomers.

“H-How..?”

“My fingers…”

You blushed hard, eyes rushing to stare at the hand on your stomach. His were long, thick, and calloused from bowstrings, triggers and reins… but they had only been compassionate with you. “O-Ok…” You assented with a shy nod.

Leaning in to kiss you, his hand slid into your bloomers as his tongue pressed into your mouth. It felt sharp and unusual to have another’s presence in your underwear, but his tongue distracted you. He dipped a digit against your soaked slit, wetting it before bringing it across your clit. The sensation made you gasp and squeeze your eyes shut, overwhelmed by pleasure and unfamiliarity. Charles paused briefly before continuing to rub in a slow, careful circle.

Each stroke of his finger made you sigh and gasp under him, making him pull away from the kiss so he could enjoy each one. As you lost yourself to pleasure, you became acutely aware of his presence. His comparative size to you in both height and mass, the warmth of his skin and his hitched breathing. All of it made you crave him all the more.

Once he had worked you up enough, a digit pushed against your entrance. Your eyes snapped open and sought his gaze. He gave you a reassuring smile. Relaxing, you reached your arm out to grip his shoulder. Thrusting his finger softly against your tightness, he began to ease inwards, prying you apart.

Your teeth sucked your bottom lip into your mouth. It didn’t hurt, but it certainly felt strange, uncomfortable. Charles kissed your forehead, cheek and neck, distracting you from the unusual sensation. Your grip tightened on his shoulder as he sank ever deeper into you. “You’re so tight…” He muttered against your skin.

Your breath hitched, and you closed your eyes again, urging yourself to relax. Even this small part of him felt filling, but you knew it was only a fraction of what was to come. As he pressed into you, he would shift his finger backwards and forwards, each forward motion deeper than before. You could feel his eyes watching you acutely, hunting for any discomfort or dislike. Once you could take all of him, he started to pick up the pace. Each time his finger bottomed out, his palm would rub against your clit, making you cry out into his ear.

Before long, you could take his finger with minimal resistance. He curled and twisted it, giving you pleasure you had never imagined. Just as your stomach started to clench, he withdrew. You were about to complain when a pair of digits pressed against you. His fingers pried you apart anew, struggling to slide into you again. He bent his head to capture your nipple in his mouth, swirling his tongue around it as his fingers pushed into you. The sensation of them filling you made you grip the bedroll tightly. His tongue continued to pleasure your chest as his fingers spread you, his thumb rubbing your clit and his covered cock rubbing against your thigh. Your pleasured sighs, gasps and moans echoed around the trees, but you were deaf to your own sounds, lost in pleasure.

It was only after you had taken a third finger he finally withdrew them. He paused briefly to admire his soaked fingers, giving you a huge, satisfied grin that made you blush.

“You’re ready.” He explained, shifting to sit between your legs.

“A-Are you sure?” You asked, feeling vulnerable at the sight of him towering before you.

“I’m certain.”

Taking the waistband of your bloomers in his hands, he slipped them off you and tossed them aside. Then he removed his own, revealing his hard shaft to you for the first time. It was considerably larger and thicker than you had expected. You were sure most men weren’t that size. You bit your lip anxiously at the sight of him.

Spotting the look on your face he smiled, half apologetic, half proud.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be as gentle as I can.” He soothed, bending down over you, giving you the millionth kiss of the night. “I promise.”

“I know…” You returned his smile.

He stayed over you, one hand pressed into the fabric beside your head, the other reaching between his thighs to grip himself. He guided his tip against your slit, rubbing it between them, slicking himself with your juices. Once he was adequately coated, and you had relaxed, he pressed against your entrance.

Biting your lip, you grabbed his shoulders for support. He was so big you were certain he would never fit. Even with all the prep, your core pulsed with discomfort and rejection. Charles gave a harsh gasp of pleasure and you could practically feel him fighting his instincts. He sat backwards, his thumb moving to rub your clit desperately, urging you to relax. As he did, he rocked his hips slowly, attempting to pry your walls apart for him.

All you could do was groan and give yourself over to the sensation. A little more and he’d be deep inside you. Claiming your first time. And who knew how many more times. Now you’d had a taste; you never wanted him to stop.

Then his tip finally pushed inside you. A sharp cry of half pain, half pleasure reverberated through the trees, joined by a hiss from Charles. You shuddered, trying to get over the sensation, tears pricking your eyes.

“I’m sorry.” Charles apologised, cupping your cheek with his hand.

“It’s… It’s okay…” You mumbled, avoiding his gaze.

That was until his fingers turned your chin to him. His dark eyes were kind and loving, showing you he meant it. You relaxed at the sight and gave him a reassuring smile.

The initial burn having faded, he gave an experimental thrust of his hips. Your fingers gripped the bedroll, gasping sharply as he pried you apart. Charles continued to give small, shallow thrusts, lowering himself over you so you were face to face.

You placed your hands on his shoulders, looking into his eyes as he rocked against you. “I’m sorry if it hurts.” He consoled, kissing your cheek.

You shook your head, too focused on his cock to speak. Although it hurt, it was quickly being overtaken by pleasure. You were sure once he reached your limit it would be all right. It took a torturously long time for him to do it. Even he was having trouble maintaining. Calm, patient Charles burning to lose himself on you. To let go of all his morals and composure to ruin you. The thought made your insides twitch on his cock, earning you a delighted groan.

Finally, he reached what he was waiting for. He sighed into your ear, praising you for your patience. You moaned delightedly, tangling your fingers in his hair.

He gave you time to get used to his presence. He stretched you out to your maximum, making you feel so full you could hardly stand it. Digging your nails into his shoulders, you finally found your words. “Please, Charles… go.”

He didn’t need telling twice. With a sigh, his hips rocked against yours. It was a slow and testing, checking you were ready. Your explicit moan of gratitude and pleasure was all the answer he needed. Shifting his position, he started to thrust into you at a steady pace. Your walls gripped him tight as a vice as he slipped in and out of you, his girth letting him hit all your pleasure spots with ease. You held onto his shoulders, gazing into his eyes. Capturing you into a kiss, he lowered onto you, crushing you between his chest and the ground. His fingers interlocked with yours as he took you, kissing you passionately.

His pace picked up gradually gained speed until his thighs slapped against yours audibly. Your combined groans, sighs and expletions of pleasure filled the silence of the forest, making certain anyone within earshot knew what was happening. All you cared about was Charles. The way he felt inside of you, on top of you, how he tasted. Your hips bucked up against his, earning a groan from the man.

“I love you.” You sighed when the kiss broke for air.

His eyes lit up with surprise at your confession. If your face wasn’t already scarlet from exertion, you would have turned so. Your heart skipped a beat with fear and anxiety.

“I love you, too.” He whispered back, catching you in a mind blowing, passionate kiss. His tongue dancing with yours as though his life depended on it.

His thrusts grew erratic and intense, almost painful with their force. His kiss muffled your squeal of delight and shock. Your stomach gave a harsh lurch and release, and you felt yourself coming on his cock. The sensation of your squeezing and flexing around him drove him over the edge. His grip on your hands became crushing as he broke the kiss, groaning loudly against your ear as he filled you. He kept pumping inside of you, riding out your orgasms together.

Finally, he let out a sigh of relief and panted heavily. Staring down at you doing the same he grinned. The sight warmed your heart.

“I really do love you.” You reiterated.

“And I really love you, too.”

-♥-

My Masterlist

AO3

Black Leather - Chapter 33

We all arrived at Joyce’s house around the same time; Jonathan rushing in first to place an unconscious Will on the couch, and I was beginning to wonder what exactly happened in that lab.

They were meant to be helping the kid; not hurting him, but something about staring at his limp body just lying there made me feel sick.

Maybe it was too much of a reminder of Sara.

I tried not to think of her too much; her cute little pigtails and bright blue eyes painful to picture, even now.

The memories of the hospital were worse; her pale sunken cheeks, her head void of hair; looking more like a Holocaust victim than the bouncing, smiling little girl she used to be.

That’s one of the reasons we’d been so eager for Eleven to grow her hair out; the short stubble still too close a trigger of long evenings in the hospital, faking smiles and holding back tears because she couldn’t know the truth.

Dad had been on the phone for the last half hour, yelling down the line at what I guessed was was army, though clearly not getting anywhere.

They didn’t believe him.

Fuck; who would?!

This shit was crazy and I was the one living it! It didn’t matter if you were a cop, or a scientist, or the fucking president himself; nobody listened when you started with crazy talk.

“Hey.” Steve pulled me from my thoughts as he propped himself against the wall next to me.

Funny how he always seemed to know the right moment to cut in, just before I dragged myself too deep into my thoughts and risked drowning in them.

“Hey.” I replied; not really feeling up for conversation, but grateful for the distraction anyway.

“You feeling alright?” He asked; that soft concern in his voice overly familiar by now.

“Yeah; I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?” I tried to fake a smile, but it fell flat.

Probably didn’t matter anyway; Steve could always see through those.

“You seem a bit quiet...” Steve continued with his angle; turning his body so he could face me and look at me with those deep thoughtful brown eyes.

“I’ve got a lot on my mind...” I admitted with a harsh laugh, because it was true as of late. Between El and dad and Billy and now all this shit, my mind was fit to burst.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” He asked; always to lend a sympathetic ear to me, no matter what the problem.

“I’d... rather not.” I brushed him off, though the slightly downtrodden look on his face hurt me more than it should.

He was only trying to help, and God knows I could really use someone to talk to about all this bullshit, but that couldn’t be Steve.

He was too close to the centre, and I couldn’t afford to get him hurt.

He meant too much to me for that to happen.

“Let’s just go wait with the kids...” I offered, pushing up from the wall and walking into the kitchen, because all the sullen faces in here were beginning to get to me.

———————————————

The kids were gathered at Joyce’s kitchen table, looking more like depressed pensioners, than what had previously been overexcited children.

It was almost sad; really. What had started out as one of their fantasy adventures made real, had turned into another grown up nightmare that they just wanted to wake up from.

The tallest kid; Mike, Nancy’s brother I think, got up from his seat, walking over to a cardboard box of what looked like junk.

“Did you guys know that Bob was the original founder of Hawkins AV?” The kid asked as if it was common trivia, and not the total out-of-the-blue question it seemed to me.

“Really?” Lucas responded, taking his eyes off the kitchen table to watch Mike pick up a weird cube off the top of the box.

“He petitioned the school to start it and everything. And then he had a fundraiser for equipment.” Mike replied with newfound enthusiasm as he turned back towards us.

“Mr Clark learnt everything from him. Pretty awesome, right?”

The kids all nodded in halfhearted agreement, like me; clearly not on the same page as the lanky tween.

“We can’t let him die in vain.” Mike stated, launching into what I already knew through experience was a hero speech to rock the ages.

“Well; what do you wanna do Mike?” Dustin snapped; for once being the one to offer sense in all this.

“Alright; the Chief’s right on this. We can’t stop those Demodogs on our own.”

“Demodogs?” Max repeated, expressing the confusion we all shared.

“Demogorgon - - Dogs - - Demodogs. It’s like a compound. A play on words—“ Dustin clarified as if its the most obvious thing in the world.

“I mean; when it was just Dart, maybe…”

“But there’s an army now.” Supported Lucas, and I began to wonder when middle schoolers became such nihilists.

“Precisely.” Agreed Dustin; these two back to being best buds again.

“His army...” Mike stated; a dark sense of realisation crossing his face.

“What do you mean?” I asked, picking up that the tween leader just had one of those rare lightbulb moments.

“His army.” Mike repeated with weighted words, despite the confusion of the rest of the party.

“Maybe if we stopped him; we can stop his army too...” Mike suggested perhaps the simplest of solutions.

So simple; a child had actually come up with it.

So simple; it might actually work.

———————————————-

For two fully grown responsible adults, and four less easily defined teenagers to be following the plan of a bunch of thirteen year olds; we must be desperate.

I mean; it wasn’t like it was a bad plan. We use Will to get to the Mind Flamer... Flayer... thing. If I thought of it in a military sense; it was actually half decent.

A round of interrogation with a good helping of good cop, bad cop; it all seemed pretty solid.

Dad had to work out the kinks, but for the first time tonight; I could breath a sigh of relief, because for once; the whole world was resting on somebody else’s shoulders.

We’d prepped the shed as a impromptu interrogation chamber; the small dark space surprisingly indistinct beneath a layer of newspaper and duck tape.

Of course; I wasn’t to sit in on the interrogation.

That privilege went to family and close friends; with the exception of my dad, because someone here had to know what they’re doing.

Instead I was sat in the house with Nancy, Steve and the kids, trying not to feel like sitting ducks whilst the looming threat of possible annihilation hung over us.

Steve was working on his baseball swing, sweeping his nailbat in wide arcs as if fending off some invisible enemy.

“You alright there? You look a little tense?” I asked; noticing the tight rise of his shoulders as he made each swing.

“I’ll feel better once I know those things are dead.” Steve replied without a hint of his usual humour, and if Steve was somber; we must really be in trouble.

“If he finds out where we are; will he send those things after us?” Max asked, sounding genuinely nervous for the first time tonight.

“He won’t find us.” Lucas assured her with far more conviction than he had any right to, and I was reminded why young love was so foolish; always making promises you can’t keep.

“Yeah; but if he does...” Max continued her train of thought; fear clouding her mind from all reassurances.

“Judgement day.” Lucas stated ominously, and I tried not to dwell on the truth in the statement, knowing all too well the odds we were up against here.

—————————————————-

Twenty minutes of thumb twiddling later; I was really starting to believe this whole plan had been a dud and it was time to start packing our bags and moving to Nebraska.

Then dad walked in with that steely look of determination in his eye, Joyce and Jonathan following close behind, and I knew they’d managed to crack the kid.

“What happened?” Dustin asked as dad snatched a sheet of paper off the wall, before taking a seat at the kitchen table.

“I think he’s talking. Just not with words.” Dad replied, scribbling a series of dots and dashes on the paper.

“Hey; what is that?” Steve asked; reaffirming he was the slowest in the group.

“Morse code.” We all stated, silencing him as my dad began to translate the code into English.

“H - E - R - E...” Dad stated as he wrote down each letter; the red crayon nearly bending with the force he held it with.

“Here.” Mike read; triggering a series of looks between Joyce and Jonathan.

“Will’s still in there. He’s talking to us.” Dad clarified; the meaning of that sentence finally striking home.

It worked!

The kids’ fucking shitpile of a plan worked!

And with it; we were gonna kill this monster for good this time.

From uploading songs to YouTube to being hailed as one of pop’s most promising new prodigies, Ryan Beatty is forging his own unique path and he’s not looking back.

It’s been nearly a decade since Ryan Beatty posted a cover onto YouTube and people started twigging that he was something a lil’ bit special. Originally pushed onto the ‘Justin Bieber path’ - y’know the one: millions of hits, record deal, smile for the cameras - he soon realized this wasn’t what he had in mind, retreating from the spotlight to learn more about himself, before releasing hypnotic debut album ‘Boy in Jeans’ back in 2018.

After sharing second record ‘Dreaming of David’ earlier this year, he’s older, wiser and fully ready to flex his newfound musical and lyrical muscles to prove himself among other pop names. Blending experimental melodies with R&B hues, he’s also found time between experimenting with his pop stylings to hang out with “best friends” BROCKHAMPTON to collaborate on several tracks, including both the recent remix of ‘SUGAR’ with Dua Lipa, as well as the original.

We caught up with Ryan to reflect on his near-decade in the biz and what pop’s most promising new prodigy has in store next.

For those unaware, can you give us a little summary of how you first started out?

Music was the one thing that I’ve always felt drawn to since I can remember. Singing was a natural talent that I was born with and then it’s like what do you do with it? There are a lot of talented vocalists out there and to be an artist is something else. Naturally I could sing, then as I got older, I started to see where I could go with it. That was when social media was really cracking off and people were posting videos of them singing and getting recognised for it. I would post on my sister’s channel and that’s really how I got my start. Just seeing the feedback even back then reminded me that I had a talent in this.

It wasn’t until I was probably 20 that I felt like I was a songwriter. That’s when I felt like things really started for me because that’s when I connected all the dots of a vocalist, singer, visually knowing what I like… It was all these things coming together at once.

You were originally compared to Justin Bieber. What was the experience like?

It definitely made me angry because I felt like people were saying that in a condescending way. It felt like a lot of the times people would say that in a way to diminish me as if that’s already been done before. It’s so funny because that’s just such a surface level thing to compare me to!

“This time around feels different because I actually really enjoy it.”

Obviously you retreated away from the spotlight after that happened, what were you doing during that time?

Being 17/18 and realising that I don’t really know myself at all or that I knew that I wasn’t in a place I wanted to be and what I was doing then wasn’t going to last forever, I definitely felt a sense of a search for something greater than what I already had and it started off with me just being a normal 18 year old and exploring my own identity and what I liked and didn’t like.

It took a long time for me to really understand myself. It’s hilarious to think about though, since I started this at such a young age, I feel so old and weathered now that when I talk about this I forget that it’s nearly a decade since this all started!

This time around feels different because I actually really enjoy it. Before I felt like I was a character for other people and really submitting to the audience and playing that up. At the end of the day, back then I had the crowd that I had and I had the attention that I had, and it’s like, if I were to really be myself it would’ve gone against what people liked about me. It was all a really scary time. I had no clue if I would ever come out the other side and that’s why this time around I’m really excited and find the joy in it all because this could have all gone completely differently. The fact that I’m in a place where I feel like an artist that people appreciate for the art and what I create just proves that I wasn’t wrong.

'Boy In Jeans' was really about self-discovery and reflecting on my youth and talking about all that I went through in my late teens and early twenties. It was very much a reminiscent of my life. 'Dreaming Of David' is very immediate, very what I’ve been going through in my life right now, and I think even more introspective than the previous one to the point where a lot of the details on the record I don’t even think people will understand because it’s so specific lyrically, which I actually really enjoy.

Writing like that must have been quite a cathartic experience?

Writing is something I love just as much as singing, and to write and sing about the things that I’m going through and experiencing just helps me understand it all really. It helps me make peace with the things I find difficult and helps me understand relationships because it allows me to reflect on them. I can be writing something and what I’m writing and looking back on it seeing what I actually meant versus what I thought I was talking about can be completely different at times. This is a place where I can be very honest with myself at sometimes.

I’m lucky that I’ve surrounded myself with people that I work with that I don’t feel any judgement towards and I feel very supported with all my ideas. I think it’s very important that you create that environment.

“At the end of the day you have to be your biggest cheerleader and you have to believe in everything that you’re doing.”

So when did ‘Dreaming Of David’ start taking form?

I started working on this album March 2018. The first song I made for it was the title track and it’s a title track and kind of a concept in my mind that I’d had for a second. The way that it all came together was exactly what I hoped for, which is the most natural and following my instincts. It’s funny because I had such a fear after I made my first album. I felt like I’d made something so personally great I was like 'How do I follow up on this?' I think I’ve answered that question with this album. Also, my last album laid out expectations of who I am as an artist, this album kind of goes against that in a way that not a lot of artists do right away after their first album.

I just had rapidly started growing and changing right after I made that album. The confidence that making ‘Boy In Jeans’ created, it made this thing in me that made me go deeper into the feelings I had and made me realise that I could flesh out these ideas I had and create something. That confidence just unlocked and unleashed something within me that felt really powerful. At the end of the day you have to be your biggest cheerleader and you have to believe in everything that you’re doing and that’s what I lean on a lot. When things can feel tough and really hard on the outside of things, I always go back to the music and realise that I need to be doing this and I’m glad that I’m doing this and people are going to enjoy this.

To be an artist is almost to be seen constantly. I feel like I still hold on to a lot of my privacy and that’s something that I’ve learnt form the past from the early days in my career, that I don’t have to give everything away, that I can still keep things for me, and that I can still be successful.

Is it weird knowing some of those personal stories will be heard by the world?

There are definitely parts of the album which are scary to think about with like I’m telling this story and this is gonna come out, but I obviously did it for a reason. I’m not over thinking it and I’m not stressed, but knowing that the person you wrote it about will probably know that it’s about them too that’s more so the interesting part.

The album all about exploring personal relationships with many different people, whether it be friends or family or past relationships or current relationships, and the way that those relationships have affected me. Part of it is a lot about letting go of things and people that mean a lot to you but knowing that you have to in order to move forward or learn anything else about yourself. There’s a bittersweet feeling to the whole thing. A lot about what I write about on this record is kind of sad if you look at it and really read the lyrics, but there’s still a lot of hope in it and realising that even if you’ve just gone through these things there’s still a light at the end. It’s kind of that moment of self-awareness, I guess.

And what overall are you hoping that people take away from the record?

I just want it to be heard, really. I want this music to be heard. However people take it is how they take it. I want the chance, at least, for people to hear it because I think they’ll really understand where I'm coming from a lot. I feel good in my position and the way people see me. When you make stuff that is exactly what you want to say, that’s when you’ll be perceived in the way that you really want.

Religion has absolutely *destroyed* the last year of my life. Texas is a special sort of hell. via /r/atheism

Submitted November 23, 2020 at 11:35AM by petewentz-from-mcr (Via reddit https://ift.tt/2KyaNT7) Religion has absolutely *destroyed* the last year of my life. Texas is a special sort of hell.

My parents were constantly doing really fucked up shit. I wanted to leave so badly, but I knew I couldn’t afford it. I was trying to save money to be able to leave and was doing much better once I realised they were stealing from me to sabotage me and made it so they couldn’t, but things continued to get worse. My friend had offered for me to stay with her for a bit and I’d turned her down as to not be a burden, but when something massive happened I took her up on the offer. Technically she told me it was no longer just a request and told me to “come home.” She’s a wonderful person. Amazing friend. I have absolutely no ill will toward this friend. I only bring it up because that is how I ended up in Texas of all places. Texas is hell. The stereotypes are all completely real.

My friend is married to the youth pastor, so they live in a parsonage. I stayed with them for 3 weeks and then I was out of the country for 3 weeks to visit my fiancé. While I was away someone started a rumour that I was having an affair with my friend’s husband. It didn’t matter that I was out of the country. It didn’t matter that I could prove I couldn’t have sex before I left due to my hysterectomy. The church gave me less than 2 weeks to find somewhere else to go (right after the state closed for the pandemic) and said they didn’t care if that meant I was homeless, I couldn’t stay there. My friends had to comply because if they didn’t they’d be homeless and her husband would be out of a job, potentially forever because churches don’t like hiring fired pastors. They were forced in a corner and I got to see firsthand what religion actually looks like. It sounded like a lie or a poorly written sitcom, but this actually happened in real life. I keep trying not to be hurt by it but it was such a horrible thing to happen. How often can you prove the negative on an affair? But it didn’t matter, just the rumour was enough to literally have me kicked to the curb. And to be told it didn’t matter whether I had somewhere to go or not??

I took the first flat to get back to me, the only one that let me move in with less than 2 weeks notice. This place is a special sort of hell. There are problems with the management and the flat itself obviously, but that’s not what my real issue is. I think maybe everyone in this entire state might just be awful. I know having flatmates is always hard, but the best way I can put this is that the best flatmate I’ve had is the one who let food mould to impressive levels and regularly made comments about how bad periods are women’s punishment for Eve’s sin... the first time being after she asked what the scars on my stomach were from, I said it was a hysterectomy, she asked why and I told her about how sick I was and that it was a life threat. I was a bit descriptive and vulnerable, and she deadass implied that having life saving surgery was wrong because I deserved it. She also acted weird when I tried to wear a tube top out of the house and eventually told me I can’t wear something like that in the Bible Belt. It was like 40°, of course I wanted to wear minimal clothing. But aside from the occasional judgements based on the Bible I enjoyed talking to her.

These most recent flatmates really take the cake though. I wear a lot of black clothing, like my style ranges somewhere in the ballpark of goth and punk. That’s been what I wanted to wear as long as I can remember (at least as young as 8) and I’m 23 now, just to clarify that it isn’t some teen phase. I’m just like this. I honestly don’t think my clothing is a big deal, I don’t often think about it aside from when I’m buying it. However, these flatmates took one look at me and decided they hated me. Not just that they hated me, but that I put off “dark energy” that they don’t want in their home and that I was unwelcome here. The big thing here though is that they didn’t tell me. One even pretended to be a close friend, sharing things as personal as the story of being raped (which was far too much for me tbh, I didn’t want detail, I have PTSD) so I thought we were seriously close friends. The other two acted sort of odd and I got the impression they didn’t like me, which the “friend” always insisted wasn’t true.

Now they’ve sent me this huge message about their intense hatred of me that I didn’t previously know about and how the way I dress and the things I say/do are “a bit much”?? No context on what about my behaviour is too much. The real issue though is that they’ve decided that I have to earn it to be treated with respect (read: common decency) and that, I shit you not, they’ve decided they shouldn’t have to compromise their morals and beliefs just to keep me happy so they have absolutely no intention of being polite or civil to me anymore.

These bitches seriously think that not treating me like shit is immoral.

What even is religion????

So I've been at college for a year, and managed to make like no friends. It's a mix of me commuting there everyday instead of living there, and a lot of people being kind of full of themselves. It's a hard college to get into, so a lot of people there are really full of themselves and shit. Also being depressed makes it hard to just branch out and shit. I just do the bare minimum to get by.But this girl I have a massive thing for is starting at the same college and it's kind of giving me a dilemma. For a start, she has a boyfriend, so it doesn't seem like anything is gonna happen. I tried to distance myself from her since she started dating, before that we were pretty flirty and talked all the time. I knew it would be hard to get over her without some distance. We work together though, although it's rare we have the same shifts. When we do though we're like always talking to each other non-stop. It sounds stupid, but being around her is one of the only things guaranteed to make me happy. I'm pretty damn depressed a lot, but being around her I kind of forget it for a little while. But I realise another person can't be the basis for your happiness, especially when your depressed and this person is in a relationship, so I don't want to get too close.Anyway, soppy bullshit aside, the other day we were talking and she mentioned she was going to the same college now. She kept mentioning how she needed a friend there, and how she'd have so much free time over and over again. I knew exactly what she was hinting at but I tried to ignore it. I know if we hang out all the time I'm only gonna like her more. Then she just came out and asked if I'd hang out with her in between classes. Of course I said yes, cause she's still my friend. She suggested we go find somewhere to grab lunch and shit.Now if she was single I'd take that as a massive hint. But since she has a boyfriend, I felt kinda weird just us two hanging out when I feel this way and we've flirted in the past, so the next day I just messaged her normally, and didn't mention meeting up.She told me to come meet her though, so I knew she was serious. I went and met up with her and we just kind of hung out for a couple of hours. We just walked about aimlessly for a bit and then went and grabbed some coffee. It was great just chatting shit with her, I felt like I could have done it all day. I had no classes left though, and she bumped into another friend so I took that as my cue to leave. She said bye and said 'I'll see you soon I suppose?' I just replied 'yeah sure, I'll definitely see you soon'.I think she wants me to like arrange another meet up, but I dunno if I should. She made an effort to keep messaging me after we met up too. I mean I love talking to her, but I tried to distance myself for a reason; obviously that she has a boyfriend, and even though there's nothing really wrong with us hanging out as we are friends, it just feels a little shitty to me. There's still a little light flirting there (her calling things I do cute, teasing each other, etc.) Maybe it's just the way I feel that's clouding my judgement but I dunno.TL;DR: Massively into this girl. She started dating some guy, but before that we were really flirty and talked all the time. Now not so much. However, she started at my college and suggested we hang out in between classes together and shit. We did, and she made an effort to keep talking after which makes me thinks she'd be up for it again and is expecting me to ask. It feels a little weird to me though, I don't know whether to get closer with her or get some distance. via /r/dating_advice

This is going to be a long story as there is a lot of backstory/context needed to understand. Those who are ‘meant’ to read this & offer guidance, will. I hope :)No idea how to cut it down into a TLDR as it is far too lengthy.I'll try to keep this first backstory as short & to the point as possible. I'm 21, live in Australia on the east coast, grew up in Sydney and lived there until I was 18. I have a sister who is 7 years older who still lives in our hometown. Lost my father at a young age at 13. I've been battling depression for over 5 years since I was 15. I moved 2 hours away from my hometown at 18 & my depression got much worse. I stopped seeing friends, stopped going out, stopped talking to my friends/family which led to dealing with anxiety issues which led to social anxiety due to isolating myself. (Among other symptoms)I've recently started seeing a psychologist, getting out of the house more, I'm finally starting to feel like going out & doing things. I want to meet people. I've been out more/done more in January of this year than I have the past 2 years. Finally starting to feel 'normal'. I still haven't reconnected with any of my old friends. I haven't posted anything on my personal social media accounts (Facebook/Instagram/Snapchat) since I first moved in late 2014. Haven't spoken to any friends since then & haven't seen them either. Some have reached out to me but I never replied. Haven’t had a job since I moved up here either.For some reason I'm still afraid to reach out to them because I know that will lead to eventually meeting up with them in person. I'm even afraid to post anything on social media from fear of them reaching out to me. Because I know this will lead down the same route. I haven't made any new friends since moving from my hometown, haven't worked or studied & basically feel like a complete failure. Afraid of what they will say, think or feel about me cos I have no life per say.I have already made a post looking for advice/guidance regarding the issue related to my old friends, however the above context was necessary to lead onto my next story which I am solely looking for advice/guidance for.~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~New years eve I went to a house party with my older Sister cos I had nothing else to do, literally, and met all her friends etc. People were drinking, majority of people were on drugs, MDMA, LSD & Ketamine was available. I hadn’t had drugs for 3 years since Australia day in 2014 when I was 18. I didn’t plan on taking anything. I met a girl who lived there, friend of my sisters who’s my age - lets call her Mary. I was told by a few people she thought I was attractive & wanted to hookup. I haven’t hooked up with anyone for over 2 years and I actually was thinking that about her anyway so I was keen.I was drinking a lot when I first got there because of my anxiety, meeting new people etc. and ended up having to stop drinking because I was getting sick mixing it with weed. (Only drank 4 times last year so I had a very low tolerance). A few hours later I was in Marys room with her, my sister & another girl who lived there just talking; lets call her Barbara. Barbara asked if we all wanted to get any more MDMA caps (her bf had stuff people could buy during the night). All of them had already taken an MDMA cap each earlier on in the night & they all said yeah to having another one, which left me to decide; I ended up asking for one since I felt comfortable, didn’t feel pressured by them and the moment felt right to do it (granted my judgement was way off cause I was drinking/smoking; not the best idea to jump on drugs with people you barely know, but I felt safe being with my sister). So I took mine with them & they left me and Mary in the room not long after.Started talking to Mary, getting to know her and all that. Basically having a d&m. She was telling me that she is going overseas this year to a US summer camp for 6 weeks. I felt so unaccomplished & like a loser basically because there’s no way I could do that. I told her she’s really ambitious & we started talking about other things while smoking weed together. We ended up hooking up for awhile, kissed at midnight & started talking more after that.At one point while we were outside having a cigarette, she asked me to tell her ‘my life story’, it caught me off guard cos if I’m honest I don’t even know what it is. I got about halfway through & somehow we got interrupted and I never got to hear hers or finish mine. I realised I was saying a lot of bad things that had happened in my life, rather than who I am and what I do?Anyway, Mary & Barbara decided to come back with me, my sister & her partner back to their place about an hour or two after Midnight to spend the rest of the night together. They were all going to take a tab of LSD each when we got back, I didn’t want to have psychedelics so I had a second MDMA cap.When we got back to my sisters place , Mary & Barbara lost an acid tab when we got there. Eventually we all gave up looking for it & they all took a tab each. Not long after taking the tab it got kinda weird with her, her vibe changed & she wasn’t talking much, we weren’t as ‘close’ physically as earlier (not cuddling n stuff) but we were holding hands? They were all waiting for the LSD to kick in & everyone wasn’t really talking much, and cos I hadn’t taken a tab I wasn’t on the same ‘level’.I think that’s where things changed cos my 2nd MDMA cap was coming on while her tab was coming on so we were on different wavelengths. We were all chilling in the lounge room laying down for about an hour and it was pretty obvious Barbara was the 5th wheel. Mary, her friend & my sister went into her room and were talking for awhile. Eventually they came out and we all went for a cigarette on the balcony and they basically came and said they were leaving. They were going to stay the night then an hour or two later after we got back they said they were leaving cos her friend wanted to be with her boyfriend. I was too out of it to leave the unit & when I said ‘I’m too f*cked to leave when Mary asked me if I was coming she said 'well your ambitious’. Never has my gut dropped so much. Instant regret. Such a horrible feeling, intensified by the drugs. I’m sure they left cos they started feeling uncomfortable being there, particularly Marys friend being the 5th wheel without her BF on new years eve.My sister, her partner & I all planned on coming back to their placed to end the night there regardless, a safe place to come back to. So we kind of all had it in our head that we weren’t leaving after we got back. Looking back I wish I went back with Mary & her friend but it probably wasn’t the best idea because they ended up taking another tab and ‘day-tripped’. Which could have ended up quite messy since it was pretty messy after they left anyway just being with my sister n her partner. Who knows what would happened - I never will know cos I chose not to go.I told my sister n her partner the next morning what Mary said when she left & I asked them if I screwed up by not going back with her - my sisters husband said yeah i thought I heard her say something like that but my sister sort of dismissed it. They were both pretty adamant that I hadn’t ‘fucked up’ though - the next day my sister said she spoke to Mary on FB and asked her about what she said before she left that night & she said that she didn't say that at all, something like 'oh alright then' was what she apparently said but I didn't really believe it.Mary sent me a message first on snapchat a couple days after new years basically saying ‘hey was nice to meet you had a nice time & we said we should chill n have a sesh sometime’ etc. So we started talking a little bit, went to buy weed from their place a day later & added her on FB but didn’t ask for her number. Such an idiot. Anyway, It was my sisters birthday the first week of 2017 & she had a party the first weekend (7th Jan - Saturday), Mary & I were both going so we were going to catch up there.I was talking to her leading up to my sisters bday party after i came home on the Thursday and then the next night I had a panic attack after smoking some weed (happened cos of repressed emotions from traumatic domestic event in late 2016) & went to the doctor the next morning for a referral to a psychologist along with some sort of temporary medication to help me sleep & I haven't spoken to her since. And with all my anxiety i'm afraid to even talk to her because its been over a month and she probably thinks I’m a rude douchebag but then again she may not even think twice about it. My sister said she knows I have a lot going on in my life at the moment so she probably doesn’t mind.I felt like I got attached to her way too quickly after that night, or perhaps attached to the idea of potentially being with someone? Since it had been so long since I’ve actually had that physical connection with someone it was quite difficult to just ‘let go’ and forget about it. I became afraid of this attachment and decided to stop talking to her to detach myself, I didn’t want to come across as needy or obsessive. Couldn’t stop thinking about her for 2 weeks afterwards. Avoiding talking to her ended up making me think of her more. She hasn’t messaged me since I didn’t reply to her last message so as far as she’s concerned she may not even think about me at all?When I was younger I used to talk to girls day & night (not exactly proud of it) but my point is I had confidence, I wasn't anxious or insecure - like I’m too afraid to even message Mary? I just feel awkward after hooking up with her, when I went to her place & added her on FB I was so awkward around her, didn’t know how to act around her after hooking up & being so f*cked from the drugs lol - I just want to be able to talk to her and get to know her, & i don’t really feel like getting to know her through text is how I want to do it either, I’d rather do it in person. But then I’m awkward in person after hooking up lol, don’t how to be.Don’t know what to do, she keeps popping in my head. Feel like I’m not worthy enough, not enough self worth & confidence. No job, no car, no license, no friends, what do I have to offer? I lift weights, I’m fit, I’m healthy, I’m intelligent, I’m educated, own my own business, I feel like I’m attractive - definitely not ugly, but can barely bring myself to message her on Facebook.Am I just mentally stuck on this whole thing? Do I need to let it go & move on? I know the next move would be to reach out to her again & eventually ask to meet up in person & go from there. But my social anxiety is stopping me. I feel like there is a lot that has gone unsaid between us that should be spoken about & idk if thats me overthinking it but I don’t even know how to bring that up to her either. I feel so weird thinking all of this when I barely know her. I just don’t know what to do, or how to ask her how she feels about the whole thing cos apparently she got out of a year long relationship herself & according to my sister ‘she probably isn’t looking for anything’. So as far as Mary is concerned it may have just been a one time thing to hook up on New Years; I don’t know her well enough to make that judgement and don’t feel comfortable enough to talk to my sister about it anymore cos I told her about getting attached and she made me feel like a complete idiot for being like that.Idk if it was because I was on MDMA (I know it dissolves boundaries & you generally have a better connection with other people, the ‘love drug’, very euphoric) but I was drawn to her in a way I have never experienced before (before taking the MDMA), normally I'm sexually attracted to girls like yeah I find her attractive but that's not what drew me too her - idk how to explain it. Like a deeper connection? I don’t want to say like a soul mate, but I’ve never felt a connection like this with a person before? But then again it could be a superficial connection with the drugs. I really have no idea!Any opinions/advice/guidance would seriously be appreciated so much! I have no one to talk to about this. I got about a 1/3 way through the story with my psychologist in todays session & it’s just eating me up inside! I want to get out of this mental rut!Thank you in advance