gay little sketch for a crush from one of my classes

quitting nicotine is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me..which is saying a lot

It's almost been 7 weeks (I think) since I quit smoking/vaping and today it's so fucking hard to keep on track. Like everything in me is just screaming "self destruct!" (I wanna do more than just smoke or vape, but I don't want to be triggering)

I guess I'm trying to say, it's gonna get harder before it gets better but it'll be worth it in the end.

Today is the beginning of a new Lennisti era. I am trying to QUIT WEED.🍁❌🥲🤪😊

It is going to be very hard, but i think i can do this. This blog is still going to be active, even tho i'll be sober. And this is still a very safe place for people are active drug users, and i will NOT think i am better than all of you who still do drugs.♥️

(This blog started off as a joke, but nowadays it's becoming more of a diary than a troll blog...)

Let me explain:

I think now is a good time to quit, because our financial situation will fall apart if we don't quit now. Also after the psychosis, my memory has been wayyy worse, and i think weed only makes it ever worser...

I have also noticed that i dissociate and get paranoid more often when i smoke. And i am still young, and i don't think daily weed consumption (and the possible reoccurence of the Psychosis) is doing any good to my not-fully-developed- brain. I do love being baked like a cake and being so high i can barely function, and i will definitely miss weed.

BUT.

I think this is a very good thing! I will most likely feel the positive effects once we make it to week 3 (or so) of not smoking. I am, and i Should be very proud of myself And my lover for even planning something like this.

Thank you, my lovely followers for supporting me through these tough times. And don't be afraid to send asks❕especially if you too are trying to smoke less weed or quit it for good :) you can still send asks about doing drugs too if you want to! KEEP YOUR FINGERS IN THE ASS FOR ME! 😂

And, if you have any tips for staying "cLeAn" i'd appreciate it. :-)

I will update you shortly. BYEBYE! Love u guys💞🍁

Füm: Take the bad out of the habit 🤗🤗🤗

Me: -habitually lights füm-

hate that not smoking actually makes me feel better both physically and mentally

like i'm not that paranoid about dying of a heart attack or lung cancer (there is no reason for this i'm just a very anxious person lol)

i feel like i can breathe easier and like i just am healthier

this all might just be placebo tho we will never know lol

(also it has only been like a week lol)

but also i just want to smoke again i'm just a girl i need my little treat

Today is my one year anniversary of quitting nicotine/cigarettes! I tried once before to quit, eight years ago, and did manage to switch to vaping (in the pre-juul years! when people didn't know why I occasionally emitted vast clouds of fruit-and-honey scented mist) for a few years, but went back to cigs after my vape broke.

I have been crediting having oral surgery and a hysterectomy in two, consecutive months. First I was afraid of dry socket, then I was preoccupied with my whole abdomen feeling like a wound. But I know that I did it, through the mood swings and cravings, I did it. I slammed cups of water and went for walks to get through the moments of withdrawal rage. I developed a brief but intense love affair with tootsie roll lollipops, and decadently slurped them while slumped outside on the stoop, glaring at the place where my ashtray no longer lived.

I have learned so much about myself. I recognize my asthma so much earlier. I can feel my own feelings without the obscuration of nicotine hype or anxious withdrawal. My days aren't a long process of trying to keep my intake at or below five (Light Blue then Yellow then) Hunter Green American Spirits a day. My wallet doesn't drain as fast.

I do still miss the meditative process of going outside, lighting my deathstick, then watching the ember's thin line of smoke twist away into the sky. So when I feel that way, I go sit outside. I look at the clouds and the sky and call to the crows and wander through the garden and let the dewy plant leaves kiss me with cool droplets.

And sometimes I take a joint out and watch, meditatively, as a tiny ember glows and its smoke trails away into the wide, wide blue.

she’s too funny 😂🤍

I’m really feeling like I need to quit smoking weed but after a decade of daily continual smoking and having not taken so much as a tolerance break since 2015 I’m honestly terrified? It feels impossible. I do use it for some legit reasons (or at least when I started my chronic pain was a lot more of an issue day to day) and I still use it to sleep because of ptsd nightmares but lately I just feel like I can’t stop and only smoke out of habit… avoid any feelings or boredom with it… every time I smoke I’m 50/50 on “wow I really want/need this” and “wow this does not feel good and just feels like I’m dissociating from wanting to acknowledge how fucking terrible everything is” 🙃

Idk if this even makes sense I’m just really struggling with this thought rn. Been trying to at least not immediately smoke when I wake up and just push it back a bit each day but even that has been hard to change at all… my first thought on waking is ok let’s get coffee and a bong in 🙃

Idk the point of this post even I’m just frustrated and thinking I want to quit but unsure and scared. Maybe posting about it will help me get some clarity on how it actually feels for me but idk

Quitting smoking is a journey with a destination, but as a person with ADHD and an oral fixation, it's also a fucking wild ride.

Honestly, these would be the worst pasties ever, the nicotine part sticks fine but the outer edges peel up super easily no matter how clean the skin is or whether I shaved it or where I put the damn thing. It's anxiety-inducing because I'm afraid my cats are gonna try and lick it if they find where I've put it today.

Really need to talk to my doc about the varenicline.

3 weeks today of not smoking weed. good progress but i still miss it honestly there are few situations that wouldnt be improved by a fat spliff. but also not smoking has improved my life a lot (improvements under the cut) and i dont wanna go back

a lot of the anxiety around smoking is just. gone.

dont have to worry about coordinating smokes with partner

dont have to worry about getting weed getting baccy n papers

dont have to worry about DRIVING!!!! ohmy god my ability to drive whenever tf i want has increased dramatically

dont have to worry about going out and missing a smoke or several

or what time im gonna be back and am i gonna have upset feelings if my partners just had one

i have more energy to do things and resting is an active choice now rather than just being sofabound for half an hour + every time after smoking

my appetite has not suffered as much as i feared it would. its fine actually

i dont stink of smoke all the time now hurrahh

i have dreams again!!! i feel like its not much talked about how much weed can suppress your dreams

saving the moneys (using the moneys we save to pay off overdue bills hurray)

more energy!! iknow ive said this before but i have more time and energy to play with my cats and play my guitar its honeslty blessed

allllsooooo we may have convinced some other ppl to give up smoking. not like actively or anything they just saw our journey and progress and decided maybe theyll try it as well. which is great

also were gonna be a positive statistic in the nhs wales stop smoking service which will encourage them to continue doing it honestly the outside accountability/validation has been sooooo good ngl

anyway i feel like some things arent talked about enough such as that weed can be addictive. yeah the weed part not even the tobacco. weed is a gateway drug to tobacco imo. and the nicotine withdrawals were super not that bad but the not being able to smoke when stressed??? much more impact tbh its probably less a physiological dependence and more psychological but absolutely the addiction was there. and i can still feel it. its going down tho. just like my risk of heart disease and lung cancer. hurray

its honestly a relief to be rid of it after a solid 5 or 6 or maybe even 7??? years of smoking almost daily. its great to be in a stable position where we dont need it as much. its good to feel the positive effects now

7 weeks cigarette and vape free today xox

hi i am also attempting sobriety at the moment and am scrolling thru tags looking for motivation and saw your post and just wanted to wish you the best of luck 🩵

Thank you! We can do this💪♥️

Maybe I should be a little more open about what’s going on and why I’ve been not posting or writing.

I quit vaping! It’s been like a week and a half and going well. Nicotine withdrawal is awful. I’ve been using my public library account and keeping distracted by reading a lot of High Republic books.

Also I will probably lose access to my laptop next month. What’s the easiest way to write fanfic on your phone? I swore I wouldn’t go back to my Notes app like I did in 2013.

hey tumblr 

this is a little weird for me. but I feel like documenting my emotions and my trials and errors with this issue will help motivate me to actually making progress on it. for about a year and a half now I've been struggling incredibly hard with a weed addiction that I'm struggling to find a support system for. most of my closest friends not only smoke it daily as well, but are firm believers in the “it’s impossible to get addicted to weed” motto. based on their attitudes and actions tho, they’re just not self aware. looking thru tags on here have made me feel less alone and more validated that there is something wrong with me -- that there’s a reason I feel like I'm struggling so bad.

I hate who I am with weed. I feel so entirely useless and unmotivated to do anything. I miss the old me, the me that didn’t know the meaning of procrastination, who exercised daily, who actually completed projects, who actively practiced writing. I can feel my brain rotting away and I hate myself for letting this happen. 

I know this will be a long rant post and I don’t wanna clog any timelines so ---------vvv

my experience with weed didn’t begin until I was 24 when my partner brought stuff home from a dispensary out of state. back then it was fun and something I only did once in awhile. I remember how I couldn’t imagine how anyone could enjoy participating daily -- it was too much for me and I often felt hungover the next day. then I abused it during my final semester of graduate school -- the excuse was I needed to smoke to help my artistic expression. but soon I wasn’t working on my creative projects on weed anymore. I was entertaining manic episodes and busy being emotional and paranoid. the longer I smoke the more I feel like a rotting fat corpse. every day I'm desperate to stop but I still choke down 3-4 joints and maybe a bowl or two. I get anxious early in the day to smoke if there’s nothing else to distract me, or if I feel too lazy to do anything. but, the moment I smoke I feel the strength to stop and feel the shame of already fucking up before I could start. it’s so ridiculous that I only feel the motivation to completely quit weed only after just having smoked. 

god I'm so desperate to quit. I want my old life back. I want the old me. I want to live a normal life again and feel the ambition and drive and passion that I used to feel over the project ideas I have. I have so much potential to be successful and I feel crippled by this fucking drug. I hate that I can’t even confide in my friends without them interpreting my journey as some kind of better-than-thou bullshit. 

I want to quit so badly but I don’t know where to start. I've never even smoked cigarettes before so I have no experience quitting a substance that has such a grip on your life. 

I would love to receive some advice or support. maybe anyone else on here who’s in the boat with me, who also wants to work on their sobriety. I've tried and retried on my own over and over and always fail. if anything, I hope using this as a vent space for my frustrations as a quit, or if I fail again. what are some of the best ways to help distract from the craving to smoke?