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hisaame · 7 months

Note

hi hi! Could you do a Scaramouche x fem!reader with angst to comfort? Specifically with reader having issues on how they view their body?? ((Like their insecure)) preferably modern au plss

first time writing on request yippie!! hii and ty, i hope this is what you've asked for!! <3 also im stillll new to writing and stuff, so im praying im good for now!

╰』ˋˋ"What do you mean you aren't pretty?" «

ˎˋ╰⪼Scaramouche x fem!reader ˎˋ

[angst with comfort] — modern au,,,

『warnings: body negativity, cursing, body touch, reader uses she/her pronouns, reader being like half naked (NO SPICY STUFF THO), idk what else to add im not good at warnings.... 』

— Scaramouche simply couldnt understand.

How could you, a pretty girl with the body of a goddess, possibly think you look less than he thinks?

It was in the afternoon, you had invited Scaramouche to come over to your dorm, since it was the weekends and you had no subject to study, you finished two exams last week. So you wanted to have a nice day off, where your lover would be there.

But before that you decided to take a shower, u have already been outside with your friends Hu Tao and Yanfei, spending time with them since they were from another school.

You hated your bathroom. Why? Because the mirror there was huge.

Slowly taking off your clothes, its almost impossible to ignore your reflection. Its there no matter where you turn—seriously, its like they made the dorms' bathrooms like this on purpose, just to make you feel even worse about yourself as if before wasnt already enough.

You cringe at yourself once you took off your clothes. You should hurry up in the shower—but something made you stay in front of the mirror, criticizing yourself with your own thoughts. Turning a bit to the side to look at other various parts of your body, finding nothing decent or enough for yourself. You sighed, you should be positive right now, school isnt in the way and you should be relaxing.

With a glare at your own reflection, before getting into the shower quickly, turning on some warm water. Showers should be relaxing, but as you washed your body, using soap, making there be various white bubbles on your skin, they smell quite nice, and are certainly fun to play with.

But the feeling of your own hands on your body distracted you. The way you felt under your own touch, it somewhat... Disgusts you.

Finally—once you were done with showering, taking a towel and wrapping it around your body, shivering as the cool air hit against your wet skin. You dried off your hair, brushed it out, trying not to stare at the mirror too much. Maybe you're just too judgemental. Maybe you're not as bad as you think?

After you were done with your hair—you must not have noticed, but there was a sudden knock at your bathroom door. Then it opened up to reveal Scaramouche. Well, he peeked through it first to check was he invading any privacy.

"Damn, this was the last place i was gonna check. I came here like five minutes ago." Scaramouche sighed in relief to seeing you, not at all bothered by the fact you're only in a towel. He pressed a kiss to your lips as a greeting, ruffling your half dry hair.

Though, you looked uncomfortable. Not with the fact your lover had come into the bathroom while you were in just a towel, but the fact your body was pretty exposed to him, and you thought, what id he judged you? Maybe not out loud, but what if he was thinking about it?

Noticing your discomfort, Scaramouches eyes widened for a split second at his realization, then spoke up, "i can leave if you want—to wait for u to get changed." , he gave you a half smile. But you told him its alright. Why? You wanna just push him away.

At your answer, he smiled softly, nodding. Maybe you just needed him here, after a hard week. What he thought was different than what you thought. Seeing this as a nice opportunity, he went behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist, his chin on your shoulder as he gave you a goofy, lazy smirk, looking at the mirror where you two can be seen. Maybe you should've kicked him out...

"You always look so pretty after showering—like all clean, pretty, and u smell nice." Scaramouche mumbled, as if shy to admit. "wait i said pretty twice. Replace one of those words with 'gorgeous' then." You couldn't tell if he was flirting with you or genuinely fucked up with his words.

But the way you looked at him with almost surprise at what he said, his eyebrow raised as his expression changed.

"Why do you look like i fucking said i discovered the moon and flew to mars? Dont you know youre pretty?" He said, his usual personality showing. He doesnt exactly like being all mushy, but for you, he's a sucker. So he's nicer...

Maybe it was finally time to admit it. He was your lover anyway, and you trusted him. You nodded slowly, then immediately looked away, regretting what you just did. That... Shocked Scaramouche! You, not pretty? Were you high!?

".. Huh? Did someone tell you you're not pretty? Ill fuck them up. Who was it?" He narrowed his eyes, his embrace around your waist tightening. His protective side definitely was showing. But once he didnt get a reply, seeing the way you frowned and refuses to look at the mirror, he realized the situation.

"... [y/n]? Dont tell me you tell yourself that..." Scaramouche sighed. Figuring you werent comfortable with the mirror, he turned you around, so you can face him again. You even thought he was prettier than you will ever be. Well, he's here to prove you're better than you think!

"[y/n]. I know i dont say this a lot, but you're gorgeous to me. God, these words sound so cliche.. But its true. You're the most gorgeous, pretty, beautiful—fuck, what else—cute, adorable girl i have ever met. Okay?" Scaramouche stared into your eyes. He definitely wasnt the best at comfort, but he wants to try his best—for you.

Then he softly smiled at you. "Hey, lets get you dressed up and we can talk about how magnificent you really are?", he kissed your nose, hos face flushing immediately right after as he lead you out of the bathroom, talking to you along the way.

"You may have your flaws and all that, but thats what makes you, you. You know? I like your flaws." Scaramouche admitted, blushing like an idiot when he looked away once he told you what he thought.

Soon enough, you were dressed, dragged to bed by Scaramouche who quite literally forced you to be the little spoon this time. You could barely hear the tv over him talking about how pretty he thinks you are.

Yeah, if anyone even dared to even joke about you being 'ugly', he's getting suspended because of reasons you know what happens.

♡

#scaramouche #scaramouche x you #genshin scaramouche #scaramouche x reader #genshin impact scaramouche #genshin #genshin impact #scaramouche fluff #scaramouche angst

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mikalame · 8 months

Note

can u pls do 2007 tom and f!reader having an angry love confession that ends up with sex but it's the f!readers first time doing it? btw i love ur writing sooo much!! 🩷

First time

taglist: @violentnewmarley @saumspam

"GOD ___, YOU DIDN'T SEE HOW HE WAS LOOKING AT YOU!" tom yells, trying to defend him from the situation he got himself into back at the club the two of them went to as the others were off doing something else.

"SO DOESN'T MEAN YOU PUNCH THE GUY, HE WAS NICE" ___ yells back confused on why tom punched the guy she was talking to, the guy who had been cracking jokes, though they weren't funny it was the thought that counts.

"SURE, THE ONLY REASON HE WAS NICE WAS CAUSE YOUR ASS WAS PRACTICAL BEGGING FOR ATTENTION" immetatly regretting what he said and pit formed in his stomach from the words, he really did feel bad, he was just so jealous and seeing you talk to that dimwit got him so angry, mabey it was the alcohol that made him lash out, thats what toms gonna blame it on.

"W-WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH HUH" "BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND, FUCK I GET SO JEALOUS WHEN YOUR LAUGHING CAUSE SO IDIOT SAID SOME HALF ASS JOKE" He yells his eyes widening after realising what he had said, he stutters trying to back track before soft lips were on his own.

Realising she was kissing him he pushed back, opening his mouth making hers open as well making there tongues fight for dominance (ew), tom wins all the adrenaline from confessing forcing itself out.

He grabs her butt patting it signalling that he wanted her to jump up, she took the hint hopping up, his hands how holding her firmly as he walks them over to his room in the hotel.

They keep kissing when they're in the room before he chucks her on the bed, he crawls on top of her, his thigh opening her own up, placing his leg between the two just where she needed it.

His hands move slowly up her top, making sure that if she needed to say no she could but with no complainants he decides to go for it and grope her boob over her bra, snaking the other own to undo the clip, beofre sliding the straps off along with her top, throwing it over his shoulder, in one smooth motion he takes his own off aswell

when looking back at the girl he sees she has her arms covering her tits "i haven't done this before tom... im kinda nervous" she mutters looking away embarrassed, wondering if he would think less of her now that he knows shes a virgin.

"That ok baby, ill make sure you feel good, so good" he says kissing down her neck leaving purple marks on it, finding her sweet spot and attacking it wanting her so feel as good as possible.

"Move your arms baby please, i love all of you" he whispers into her neck pulling her arms away slowly.

Once her arms are fully pulled away they cling onto his neck tracing patterns onto his tan skin, focusing on the feeling hes giving her, her eyebrows knitted together mouth slightly apart, enough to let his know he doing a good job.

He pulls back to admire his handy work, her neck littered in different shades of purple. He leans down again placing soft kisses on her chest and stomach before reaching the wait line of her low-rise jeans, just hours before he wished about this moment and now he actually doing it, he prays to what ever god there is that this isnt a dream.

"Please tom i need you" she groans pulling her jeans off impatiently, leaving her panties on though wanting him to pull them off, he pulled them off slowly, not pulling his eyes for her own.

"Fuck Schatzi, you dont know what your doing to me" Tom groans before placing wet kisses around her inner thigh sucking slightly in some areas.

"Please tom, dont tease" she whines, moaning when he finally kiss where she needs it, her hands clinging on his dreads when he starts using his tongue, his nose budging against her clit sending waves of pleasure all though out her body.

She hears some groaning from tom, looking up from her spot seeing him grinding against the bed, his thick eyebrows knitted together, his hand slowly moving to her heat, a finger prodding at her entrance before sliding in when he pulls his face away from her heat.

"There we go baby" he praises slowly trusting his finger in and out using his other hand to rub tight circles on her clit, making her back arch up from the bed, Tom adds another feeling his finger pump in and out smoothly from her.

"Tom please hurry, want you now" she whines her hands gripping the bed sheets tightly, "i know baby but i need to stretch you out before, or else it gonna hurt like a bitch" tom chuckles to himself.

A few minutes of this goes by ___ whines and moans getting louder and louder turning tom on even more before she can even start to beg again he takes his fingers out licking them clean before undo his belt and taking him boxers and jeans off, instant relief washes over him as he cock hits his stomach.

He crawls on top of her again rubbing his tip over her pussy collecting her wetness before pressing into her warmth, groans make there way through his throat tilting his head back enjoying the feeling, his ears picking up the little squeal ___ did moving his head down to check that she was okay.

Her breathing was heavy, knitted eyebrows, and knuckles white from holding the sheets so tightly, Tom leans down whispering sweet praises into her ear rubbing her soft skin.

"Please move tommy" she gasps out trying to regain her breathing, her arms wrapped over his neck, scratching lightly when he did some shallow thrusts becoming harder when he really starts to fuck her.

She moans loudly, her hand trying to grip something frantically when tom starts going faster he whispers how good she feels.

"Ah, fuck tom, so good.." she trails off her eyes rolling back, he grabs her thighs pushing them onto her chest, now ploughing in and out.

"Ha, yes right there... oh god yes" She moans loud "yeah r-right there baby" he groans back the knot in his stomach forming faltering some of his thrusts.

"Tom im-im gonna-" her moan cuts her off, back arching and nails digging deeper into his skin is enough for him, he pumps into her a few more times riding out her high before quickly pulling out pumping himself a few times and then cumming all over her stomach.

"be mine" he whispers looking down at the girl who was wiping off his cum, his heart beating nervously, a fear of getting rejected bouncing all around his head.

"you really think that i would just give anybody my virginity tom, i was yours as soon as you kissed back" she giggles kissing him sweetly.

Hope you guys like, i have major writers block so im really glad for this request please send more love you all

#tokio hotel #tom kaulitz #tom kaulitz x reader #tom kaulitz smut #tom kaulitz imagines #tom kaulitz x you

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plaguethewaters · 1 month

Text

@thetiredyuk i am having more Thoughts about that one - ranboo is the sone of death beeduo au. I was about to just send you an ask but also this is almost 2k words so it may be better off as a post lmfao

So like. bullet points time, this is an approximate summary of what i think the Plot would be like - wordbuilding aside

(Temporary mcd, suicide warning)

Year like, 1500 something (to be more well researched but i do want it to be like. something something renaissance. it works) we've got two poor ass kids born of the same year. Except tommy is pretty much a normal guy, liked by his family and such. His parents have enough children they can gamble for at least one to be successfull, so they send him to be a painter's apprentice in the hope he'll make some kind of money. There, in the slighter bigger town thats almost a city but not quite, he meets tubbo. Now Tubbo would have been a normal guy, except he was born with facial deformities so now everyone thinks he's a demonic freak hated by the gods (this renaissance world is politheistic bc kristin needs to be there and also i wil not do christianity if i dont have to lmao.)

Tommy is not intimidated by any gods. obviously. also his dad is really into the goddess of death and he prays enough for both of them, so he's like. protected and shite. And he immidiately hits it off with the cursed boy

surprise hes not actually cursed but people are dicks anyways. Tommy makes him a fancy mask to cover his face - even thought its totally cool as shit, but its cool enough only tommy should ever get to see it - and that eventually does help him. Because tubbo wasnt like, a shit guy. Hes a damn good builder and knows how to read, which are talents big enough that the costruction workers for that church out of town are ready to ignore the whole probably cursed thing. As long as he as the masks.

Tommy: makes him the first genuine gift hes ever received in fifteen years of life Tubbo: never takes it off again. like never Tommy: shocked pikachu face

anyways so tommy dies like. super young. They have their fun for a few years but at like seventeen tommy is called to be the artist for this very fancy duke of the town over - and at the start they'r super happy bc that means Money and Food and Roof over your head and shite. its a very good fucking deal.

except the noble is a bastard. His town revolts against him, and when they storm the castle they aren't exactly asking names or faces: tommy gets immidiately like, super destroyed by the crowd, and dies a few minutes later.

Tubbo hears of this like five months later bc its the fifteen hunderds and hes poor.

He does Not take it very well ngl

He goes a bit murdery - basically hes like "im not living without tommy, might as well burn down a village while im at it right, right."

Now ranboo, in all of this, freshly the equivalent of seventeen for an immortal death being, is starting on their training to actually become death- His mom send him on a quaint little village in europe thinking "hey, the most those guys die of is like. malaria. consumption maybe. itll be easy as hell"

And now like two hundred different souls are around him with FIRE written on their foreheads and Ranboo feels distinctly outside of his range, to be really honest.

he steps a couple ethereak planes down just to see what the heck is the matter - if this is another of those voide beings his mom will be Super Pissed and they want to see that reaction

And it isnt the void people

Instead, in front of their eyes, the singular most beautiful person hes ever seen - and hes seen lots, in this line of work.

He cant see their face, but their actions speak enough. The sheer rage, the almost dance like movement of their body perfectly framed by the light of their torch, seeing no humanity or mercy in whatever their searching for. their hair look angelic in its softness, burnt by the worst flames of hell and yet tended by the same hands who wield it - strong hands, clearly forged by hard work and dedication. This is a guy who has nothing to lose, and there's little Death loves most than someone who doesnt fear it.

He has to go down, has to speak to them immidiately.

So he does.

There's really no time - his mom had given the singular rule not to interact with humans, shell be on them in Seconds- but one question can be asked in the haste: "What brings a mortal to do this?"

"It's all for you, love!" the mortal says. They also say some other things, after, but Ranboo is not very well versed in the human tongue and they are speaking Very Loudly.

(Tubbo actually said "Fuck you, you motherfucker it's Your Fault, you took every single thing i love". Easy mistake, if one thinks about it.)

Their mom is Pretty Pissed but she does undesrtand stupid things done for young love. So she's like "eh, ive loved mortals too. go have fun" and everything

Except a year passes, and ranboo still hasnt even spoken to the guy, and she remembers suddenly Mortality Exists.

Shes never had them take a soul who died naturally - for lack of occasion, mostly - and they may have been. a tad sheltered. They most definitely do Not know what death actually is like for humans, nor how long does it take for them to die

she wonders if it would be a tad overprotective to take this over for them

she thinks about seventy years in the future, at most, when the boy dies. She thinks that her son cannot cry but can definitely cry. she thinks of their screams of sadness ringing through her ears-

Tubbo wakes up in the river, alive.

He did not Intend to be alive, and it's actually quite unfortunate for him to be so.The survivors are quite angry and probably close to him, now. Welp, no way to die is reallt any worse than another, he thinks. Ill just wait here for them.

When the pitchfork collapses his heart and he continues breathing, he understands something might be a little bit wrong.

And like, a good five hundred years pass like this.

Things Tubbo has learned in his five hundred, twenty three and two halves years on this demon forsaken earth:

Clothes get so much shittier over time. he has One (1) tailored shit from the 1800 and Nothing has even barely compared to it ever since.

getting stabbed does not hurt less just because youre not actually dying. Poisoning is actiively way worse since you're not actually dying. Diving off cliffs is Not Fun. In general, try not to do dying things even if youre immortal

theres a hole in his heart where his loved ones were and it will never get filled

Food gets esponentially better over time. Lord bless whoever decided curry should go on chicken because they were Cooking For Real. Chocolate was still better before though.

Working for soulles bosses has not changed At All in all of this time tho.

he works at mcdonalds because no college would accept his non existant resume, and being immortal dosent deprive him of his needs unfortunately. The manager took one look at this kid dressed from like three different centuries with a goat mask on his head and was like. why not. at least youre not a stoner and you know how to read.

His coworkers firmly believe hes a criptid and have a full going investigation to prove it. The highest bet at fifty dollars says hes mothman in disguise, there to eat the fliest that live on their shitty food. The lowest bets hes an angel waiting for the right time to brign down armageddon.

Every night he goes in the woods to an almost forgotten Death altar and he prays. Half of his prayers consist of insults and the other half are pleas for her to fucking kill him already

This does not help the criptid chronicles

Kristin also has like. only so much patience. Hes holding up the prayers line - which is actually still pretty fucking used in central asia - and hes generally annoying as shit.

She takes ranboo by the scruff, gives them a passable human form, and throws them down there. Get your shit together boy youre like a thousand years old. Get your man (to stop fucking with the phoneline)

Ranboo is Not Enthusiastic about this but cmon. Hes death. How hard can working at a mac really be?

Spoiler it is

Spoiler it does Not matter, because awkwardness aside ranboo is funny, and easy to talk to, and compassionate and caring. He doesnt want to kill tubbo, he doesnt look at him like hes a fictional creature (and yes marcie, hes seen the bet table), he isnt his soulless boss. Tubbo is grieving but he also very desperstely wants a friend.

One day someone stops at his shitty apartment at like three am

Ranboo stands in fron of his door drenched from head to toe, holding the possibly smallest kitten tubbo has ever seen in his Life. Hes miserable but the cat is miracoulously dry, screaming their head off - and ranboo is panicking. Are they okay are they dying? Do you have any food i dont know what he eats but its so small and i didnt know where else to go- please i dont want it to die or something and-

The moon shines on their long, wet hair and their stupid fucking suit is as wrinkled as ever. They look like they desperately want to rub their hands against each other but there is a kitten in the way and it probably makes them even more anxious - theres very little messes bigger than him, right now.

Tubbo falls in love.

They heal the kitten and keep enderchest in their now shared apartment.

They grow closer, and closer, and something is forming. Ranboo is aware a relationship cannot be based on lies, as much as it worries him how tubbo will react.

so he prepares like a romantic ass evening

roses and candles and a nice dinner with a fancy wine

tubbo almost gets flustered

except at the end of the night the confession isnt "i love you" but "im the guy who took away your only ffamily".

and he sees Red.

Ranboo doesnt remember what tubbo screamed, not exactly. He remembers grief, and crying, and feeling worse than he ever believed he could. He remembers the endless guilt sitting in his chest, and the slam of a door - maybe from the inside out. Hes definitely outside, now, and the house ifìs far away enough eh cant see it, but that could also be the tears.

His mother finds him crouched in a patch of grass, tears steaming down their cheeks in a constant flow. Shes not aware if they'd returned to death form to feel safer, or because they believed they deserved the burn. Shes not sure what option makes her feel worse.

shes aware that this is. pretty much her fault

TO HER DEFENSE she was not really aware humans were so touchy about death. The souls she reaps arent very talkative and the guy shes with is chill about it so like. maybe this one is weird

(the guy she's with is Phil, whos Decidly not a human but has also decided not to tell her yet. For the bit, yknow? He's been a live a couple thousand years, it would be awkward to drop it now. He's also somewhat a serial killer and Not Normal about death At All)

BUt this is still here fault and she does have to set it right a little bit

So she summons Tubbo to her persnoal room in the palace and goes like. "oi. why r u so mad little guy"

And hes like: you took away the single person whos ever loved me ever

"Wait that's the only problem?"

"What the fuck else would it be"

"thought u were mad at him cause he lied lol"

"LYING IS NOT WORSE THAN KILLING A GUY"

Anyways Kristen is so relieved rn. She thought tubbo was phisically like, repulsed by the concept of death and all, and he was mad that Ranboo lied to him and all. Which he is, but the rage is so so much less than the grief yknoe. And she knows how to fix it if its just one (1) measly soul

Tommy is so fucking confused

Th modern world is full of sounds and weird textures and the food is fucking fantastic but also Too Much, and Tubbo introduced him to this weird ass potion hed called a bong and now hes seeing gods the likes of which had never been discoveres

Over all hes just happy to be alive and with his best friend

He kinda hates ranboo. The fucker threw a scyte at him for no reason when tommy would have Almost Certainly survived because he is simply That Cool. Ranboo didn't believe in his awesomeness enough and is thus a Bitch

Tubbo is. iffy

He cant deny he has a teensy tiny crush now, because hes far too deep in this for that

But also ranboo did like. lie straight to his face

but also tubbo would Not have believed him if a random guy showed up at three am at a mcdonalds saying they were the child of death

and he Did trust that what he saw in ranboo was real, betrayal aside. No one fakes looking That much like a wet cat

so it does take a while. couple years in fact, to get back at the level of trust they had before (inster a cool anime montage where they have lots of fun together as roommates and cats coparents and all)

One night when they are - not back together, because they hadnt been dating before, but back to that almost definitely dating just not officialized stage- ranboo asks him if would ever want to be mortal again.

And tubbo thinks of it. His time on earth had been so plagued by grief hed never really ecperienced anything it had to offer. Hed never seen the sights or did anything at all besides praying for death, and thats kind of a shitty way to pass five hundred years

'But tubbo what about your humanity? wouldnt it be irrevocabily lost by giving awau something so fundamentally human as death" someone would ask. And tubbo would anser "ehh who cares"

He hasnt been fully human since hes burned that whole village down, anyway. And he likes the benefits of this life more than whateer moral superiority a Normal human would have over him

just-

"and tommy too, obviously. I get the feeling you dont like him dead" Ranboo jokes.

There's no decision at all then. Fuck yeah, immortal boyfriend and immortal brother what more could a fucker want.

They get to cause chaos on earth and probably kill a bunch of rich people for a long long time

the end :)

Im like. very tentatively calling this Deathless Death, in the vane hope that i will write something for this better thant bullet points. But for now bullet points it is

#beeduo #cbeeduo #ctubbo #cranboo #ctommy #dsmp fanfiction #dsmp fanfic #this is the longest thing ive written in Months #plague writes

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sainadazai · 1 year

Note

d7 and e6 with akutagawa?

(if you don't write for him can you do chuuya?)

Breath Play + Dom/Sub with Akutagawa

Warnings ⚠️ Foul language, sexual themes, dom/sub dynamics, choking, akutagawa being sassy and mean!!

Working for the port mafia has always been a job of convenience. There was no desire on your part to do the job other than to get paid, no passion behind your position, no alterior motive. However, as you grew and climbed the ranks of the port mafia you soon learned that times change.

What was once a daily ruitine, a nuisance, was now the highlight of your morning.

You wake up, dress up in casual black pants and a black shirt alike, you get your morning coffee and you head to work for your assignment, but, recently someone new has been in the office waiting for you. Someone you practically pray to see each day.

"Good morning Akutagawa, sir." His eyes peeking up from the coffee he was stirring and for a Meer moment brighten with interest. The assassin.

See, he has notably began to desire seeing you each day as well. The way you smile cutely when you come in to say goodmorning, how your gaze frequently lingers on his long fingers and drops subtly to his legs when you notice how he spreads them in his chair.

He could just eat you up, and it excites him so. Ever since becoming a person of higher power among those in the mafia, he hasn't quite been able to tame his need to boss people around. To be mean.

And oh, it's so cute when he is mean to you.

You never take it too personal, the work isn't why you come here anymore. It's him. And to watch his face scrunched up in disgust as you overshare about a recent killing, to see his eyes darken with some emotion you can't quite place whenever you confess you've made a mistake. It soils your panties and you can't get enough.

And so today, you come in again, after being assigned to an assassination of a man who was unfortunately at your favorite coffee shop. And I mean, it's not like you could risk not getting coffee tomorrow so you decided the kill could wait. He didn't need to die today, it wasn't urgent.

Or so you thought.

Akutagawa didn't take so kindly to this news.

"You think your so safe just cause you walk around all pretty and sweet, don't you?" He hisses through a clenched jaw as you are trapped between his slim form and the wall.

Despite his thin build he dwarfs you, making you shrink further in your stance.

A hand flies to your throat before you can respond and what you don't expect is that next a sensation of pain arises from your now bare shoulder. He bit you. Another thing you aren't quite prepared for is the all but needy whine you let out at the feeling.

And you're soaked. You can't lie and say you've never dreamt of something like this, getting him mad enough to hurt you. It's not even out of lust per se. It's an infatuation that goes beyond surface level. You want to know what fuels that fire in his eyes. What makes this man so mean, so angry, so sexy.

"Oh? I see, you've done this on purpose." A smirk pulls at his lips. His eyes tracing the mark he's now left on you, a sense of pride welling in his chest. You are someone he can control, he can bully into submission. You take him seriously.

"No, akutagawa, sir, i would never." And he almost hisses at the sly glint in your eyes. You wanted this. You were testing and teasing him and he knew just how to fix it.

The hand around your throat tightened and began to lift you higher against the wall. A light feeling overwhelmed your senses as you lacked oxygen but it made the sensation of his touch so much more intense.

"What a silly little girl. Hmm? Thinking her boss isnt going to punish her?" His hand loosens for a second, he wants you conscious.

After a deep inhale though, he is squeezing again, not missing the way your eyes roll back and your thighs clench together.

"I see," he forces a knee between them, licking his lips as you roll your hips down onto him.

"Sir." It's a meer whisper yet it has him growing painfully stiff.

"You want me to fuck you." A devilish smirk overtakes him and he's moving to begin ripping you to shreds.

#anime #bsd smut #bsd akutagawa #akutagawa smut #dazai smut #bsd anime #akutagawa fluff #akutagawa headcanons

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lanaevyssmoved · 5 months

Note

FRAY.... im sorry if youve thought of this b4 (i havent read candor's oc page yet sorry if im wrong.....) but isnt he a deva ?!?!? WITH GOD GALE NOW IN PLAY.... what if he was. deva serving under god of ambition!gale 👀

ok so candor is a solar. which is, going by the highest deva rank, 2 ranks above deva. devas can become solars if they achieve great things and Want to, as angels ascending to higher forms is a choice. the one before solar is planetar. the full Tier List of angels is

agathinon

light

deva

planetar

solar

i will tell you now picking what candor was took me weeks. i even had different ones on it's oc page. you read through my dms with aisling and null and it's me changing my mind every damn DAY. this also means that's retaining candor lore from when candor was a deva (monadic deva - to be exact). however there is a very key difference between all the angels and solar. solar choose who they serve, and are free to change their mind whenever they want. they are angels with free will.

so in terms of gold!gale, candor would have to deem gale worthy enough to serve. candor currently serves lathander, and has done for thousands of years, because it found lathander to be a god worthy of it. now - would candor leave lathander for gale? absolutely not. would candor without a god choose to server gale? absolutely not.

candor fucking despises gale. candor told afhiri that they should kill gale because he's a danger to them, and to everyone. to the balance of the universe, to the upper planes and everything that exists in this moment. candor has always found gale to be bad ^_^

so.. oh my god. gale is the god of ambition now? an extremely dangerous thing for a god to hold domain over? gale, there was a reason there was no god of ambition.

there's some hints in raphael's new ending (requires him to have been promised the crown, left alone and god gale to happen) which tell us that gale does exactly what i had already had candor assuming - that gale will bring ruin to the heavens.

candor would probably be a leader of an army charging onto gale's doorstep to behead him. ^_^ i love making ocs who oppose everything my favourite character stands for

if we were to consider an au where candor did serve god!gale..... it would not last long, and would end in candor trying to kill gale again.

would candor beat gale on a 1:1 fight? well - a god can only die in it's home plane. and a solar can only die on it's home plane. so already we're at a standstill. if candor invades gale's new plane of ambition, gale can be killed there, but gale also controls everything there so it would be extremely hard. but candor also can't die, but candor's form can be destroyed and candor will have to be reborn - and sometimes when solar's are reborn they do not come back as solars, but as aasimar and lose a great deal of their power - so candor would not want to lose. so fighting gale like this is foolish. so gale needs to be weakened. that would require a loss of followers, most likely all of them unfortunately - which could be doable if you find a way to cut off their ability to pray - but it would also take a lot of time for a god to become weak enough for what we want. so.. we have a new idea. god!gale tells us the crown of karsus is protected with all his power in his plane. if one were to get the crown and destroy it, gale would lose his godhood.. immediately. the karsus weave would be destroyed. yadada. so the real plan here would be to keep the lad distracted while other people go for the crown. so can candor beat gale in a 1:1? no, candor would need friends. but candor would also not die. ^_^

so unfortunately it would not happen. gale would need to manipulate and control candor to keep it, which is something i don't want god!gale to become. despite how clearly terrible god!gale is for everything...... but i do have a way we can make this work

afhiri ^_^ in my 3 years later fic afhiri and gale ascend together. they do it a completely different way without the crown. we're not getting into that rn. anyway

afhiri and gale would obviously serve together in the same way god!gale ends, separate gods with their own domains but they are very clearly still together, and gale would help you settle into becoming a god.

while candor would absolutely still be incredibly murderous over god!gale even if afhiri has ascended, it does put a spanner in the works. and actually becomes incredibly painful. so i've never thought past the ascension in my fic, it ends dead there and what happens next is anyones guess. ascending is the end of their story. but if we are thinking of the actual new epilogue, 6 months later not my 3 years later - what would candor do once this happens? i would assume the entire time gale has been a god candor has been campaigning to get people to side with it to go kill gale. but now afhiri has ascended?

see i can see candor serving afhiri. very easily in fact. afhiri would not send ripples across the heavens and bring ruin with something like Ambition, gods no. but can i see candor being essentially neutralised by afhiri to not kill gale? it was already neutralised once before the ascension, and candor is probably feeling a large amount of regret for not killing gale while he was mortal. i honestly don't know.

see raphael's ending does not change if you ascend too. it still talks like you haven't ascended. raph talks about after you have died all this shit will happen - so talking like you're a mortal who will die of old age. raph's ending doesn't take you into account! so completely ignoring it/adding a romance portion - could you stop gale from bringing ruin?

if you could stop gale from bringing ruin.. candor could be passified. if you couldn't? well. candor is leading the army to gale's doorstep and it will be one hell of a war ^_^

#fray.txt #ask #estevnys #oc candor #oc afhiri #uhhh #afhiri/candor #afhiri/gale #yeah u go in these tags too #THANK U FOR THE QUESTION SORRY I WENT A LIL INSANE #EDIT i just realised the ordering i did for the bulletpoints makes solar look the least but i meant it as orders u go thru.#with solar being the Last One u reach......#SORRY CONFUSING. SOLAR ARE 1 ANGEL

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mooncheese3 · 1 year

Text

time travel au, gongyi xiao centric, yijiu (to heal the soul)

instead of dying in canon, gyx somehow gets transported back in time. lets say the dungeon is a key plot location, and the system accidentally clicks something, and so gyx ends up in the peaklords' discipleship era, and its too late to turn back now (the system is severely punished, rip)

opm goes down to deal with the stranger somehow in the dungeons, graciously answering the questions a typically confused individual would have after waking in a place they werent in before. ("what date is it?" "its xx, xx, xxxx", "where is this?" "you are in huanhua palace, young man. pray tell, how did you end up in here?")

he explains to opm that hes from the future, but when asked about what will happen, gyx refuses to say

he says the usual space-time continium cannot be disturbed further thing, and how he doesnt want anyone to be harmed by being in the know

gyx Still needs to prove he Isnt lying tho, so he reveals that he knows opm's wife is pregnant with a daughter

this knowledge was only known by the opm, his wife, and the 2 healers who attended to her, proving gyx's claims to be from the future

gyx's knowledge and experience with time travel, something only rumored to be possible by the most powerful of gods and one horrifying sword, is important if opm wants to harness it for the future. thus, opm resolves to not lose him. (and surely loyalty will keep this strange young man by his side)

gyx is set free and accepted as a huanhua disciple once more. opm makes the papers to keep people from questioning gyx's lack of existence prior to his apperance

when gyx figures out that the next immortal alliance conference might be the one sqq participated in as a disciple under wyz, gyx requests he joins

"is there any specific reason why, disciple gongyi?" asks the opm

"it is a personal matter, master"

he joins, and finds sqq–now sj–right on time. gyx slays wyz before he can harm yqy.

gyx graciously leaves yqy and sj to talk, instead moving to deal with the body and calling for their masters

the talk doesnt seem to go well, because yqy's eyes are red and teary, while sj's are furious and stormy (yet wet all the same)

just before they part ways, sj and gyx meet eyes, and sj sends him a nod of acknowledgment. gyx knows they will meet once more, but for now they will have to deal with the mess the iac has turned to

bc a disciple of huanhua was the one to defeat wyz, huanhua gets more attention and praise, and in the process so does gyx. this only delays gyx from meeting with sj, until 2 weeks have passed

he has no reason strong enough to go to cang qiong in person, plus hhp and cqms have always been rivals despite being allied

instead he writes a letter to sj and (after some thought) yqy, asking after their well-being. yqy's letter comes a few days after, explaining that he is well; it is polite and doesnt divulge too much, as expected. sadly, sj doesnt write back.

still, gyx keeps sending sj letters, making idle talk of the latest trends and the current weather. sometimes he rambles about the beasts hes fortunate enough to encounter, and on the rare occasion mild jokes that poke fun at a rich client.

(gyx may be a rich boy but hes a nice, self aware one who recognizes the flaws in the people with high status. swell guy 100/10)

after some time, sj replies with what could be summed up as "whats wrong with you, what are you doing, why are you doing this, are you insane (/gen)?"

it can be presumed that sj got sick of the letters that have been piling up in the corner of his drawer

gyx replies, "im curious about you :DD *insert polite yet genuine praise directed at sj*"

he cant exactly say hes infatuated with sj. to sj, they only saw each other for a brief moment, and intrigue sounds less insane than love. gyx also wouldnt be lying, so ! all is well !!

sj is oddly amused (totally not endeared) to the dork that just cant seem to get the message that he doesnt want to get acquainted with him

he cant help but pity him, so for the first time sends back a response. surprisingly, sj keeps writing back

its a little sad to say the letters are one of the few things sj looks forward to every month

(hoookay this is getting long)

in short, sj and gyx meet up for the first time when cq and hh need to assist each other for a mission

gyx wasnt supposed to go with at first, but. well. being one of opm's favorites has its perks and gyx is at least smart enough to use it (this is sj's influence)

sj's still a hated figure if sj's martial siblings' mutterings were to represent the cq disciples as a whole, and it saddens gyx a lot. it doesnt deter him, however

sj is different from sqq. sj is meaner, stricter, and more refined even as a disciple. he thinks sj mellowed out as he grew, since the sqq he met in the future was kinder, a little more lax, and not as caring of his appearance. still, sj is as wonderful as he remembers, even if different

they arent at the courting stage yet, but in the near future they will be :))

#yijiu #gongyi xiao #original shen qingqiu #shen jiu #time travel au #also opm definitely suspects sj will be an important figure in the future #he also tries to get closer to sj via gyx (gyx doesnt know until later)#qjpl notices and dissuades sj from meeting gyx a lot #everyone else sees it as qjpl protecting their angy lil cabbage #ALSO GYX IS THE BESTEST GUY HES SO GOOD I LOVE HIM WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM IN CANON IS SO NOT COOL #"if we meet again elder shen must fulfill his promise to take me to visit qingjing peak. ill always be waiting #THE PROMISE GETS FULFILLED!!!!!!!#how gyx knows about the space time continium? hes a nerd who once indulged a shidi who was ranting to him for 2 hours about it #hed be the guy to remember the bits and details #i love them so so much

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th3-ineffablehusbands · 5 months

Text

Trigger Warning!

sélf hàrm, ûnãlívîñg, bløød

I just needed to post these somewhere, not sure where so I decided here where no one knows me

A collection of poems during Sélf Hàrm

Oh so Divine

I'm crying out for help

begging

pleading that someone

something out there can get me out of this enclosure

please

get me out

I want to be free

the only other way out

is from the inside

please someone notice and drag me out

even just reach through the bars

let me grab your hand

give me hope

give me anything

__________

sometimes I forget that the cage is there

it's invisible to me too

I start going forward

navigating

and then

bam

it makes itself known

I reach my hand out anyways

it burns

fuck it burns

but anything

please anything but the cold

__________

red

isnt that pretty

it's the most pure, deep red you'll see

it's thick and it forms beads on a line

like a rosary

except this time I'm praying not to survive

but red turns old

it hardens within a few minutes

it turns maroon

and soon enough, brown

but it's there

my arm is burning

turning into ashes

hints of white shows itself

anything but the cold

__________

red

it looks ugly sometimes

it feels ugly

it stings

beads morph into a thick line

of red

not nearly enough to get out of this enclosure

how much more will I have to endure

to get out

__________

this is my way of crying for help

yet nobody notices

nobody sees

I don't allow them to

no one can

I don't want them to

but they should

cant they see my tears?

cant they see my rage?

fuck it stings

I can feel it deteriorating

but its delightful

it's turning more brown now

time to draw

__________

it's concentrated

quite

cant let anyone see after all

at least it's less likely

__________

hair

it's supposed to be for hair

for new

for change

yet I'm defiling it

I put red in it's hands

gave it to it on a silver plate

I wonder how that feels

__________

why

why does it sting as such

hasn't it been a few

why do you keep hurting me

well

I did make you do that

it's my fault

__________

I can feel everything

I want more

youre just so beautiful

arent you, red?

__________

perhaps I'll keep it this way

it's quite beautiful this way

but its also very conspicuous

maybe that's a good thing

___________

words on a white screen

both the pen and the sword kills

it will look just as dead

it will feel just as terrible

__________

how much red will it take to get out of here

I'm curious

let's find out shall we

_________

a brush of fabric

I open my mouth in a silent scream

was it pleasure or pain

I don't know

__________

make it worse

draw more

isnt it beautiful

each trace of the blade has its own story

my mind says

the heart says die

__________

all of this

just one night

impressive

why don't you impress me more

since this is so beautiful to you

the artwork

priceless

the artist is left forgotten

just another statistic

__________

each bead

dried up

frozen like a photograph

nice piece of art you got there

thanks

it cost me everything

__________

cross it out

makes a 5

how many 5s does it take

to run out of ink

__________

enough

it makes me live another day perhaps

how many days

will it take

to get out of here

to escape

to be set free

or to carve myself out from the inside

explode

a dying star

arent those beautiful

wouldnt you like to become one of those

__________

autumn

fall

red

yellow

leaves

they die

arent they so beautiful

wouldnt you like to become one of those

as you disappear from existence

everybody marvels at you

takes pictures

oh so beautiful, the dying entity

__________

is that enough attention for you

you don't quite get to see it

but at least you'd be out of the cage

__________

it's small

it smells divine

quite fruity, childlike

it's anything but

__________

it's there

making itself known

oh the ecstasy

__________

a mere twist

writhe

you grimace

good luck hiding, my dear

__________

but leaves

they come back don't they

they get replaced so easily

time to plant a new one for spring

and it will be just as beautiful as it was when it was dying

__________

just a whiff

just a breeze

its awful but oh so divine

__________

do I have the strength

something

somewhat

somehow

until tomorrow

rest

__________

shatter the cage into pieces

destroy it

crush it into dust and blow it into the wind

fly

be free, darling

#depressing shit #tw depressing thoughts #tw depressing stuff #poetry #poem #self h@rm #tw s3lf harm #tw #trigger words

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myhiraeth · 2 months

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@headstrongblake sent: GRAB / STYXX AND O Styxxtavia - Specialsverse

Long legs carry her swiftly to the door, but his longer ones catch up quickly, an equally long arm reaching out to encircle her wrist with strong, unyielding fingers. “Octavia, stop.”

She tried to yank her arm out of his grip. Her enhanced strength would have slingshotted a normal person into a wall. Styxx however remained unfazed, jolting slightly with the force of her tug but his feet remained planted. let GO.

“No. Not until you calm down.” Her eyes are wild and he’s not surprised. None of the recruits are built to be lab rats- it’s part of the reason they were chosen to be here at all. He knows she wonders- all of the recruits do- why he and Nick and Isidora and the other tributes seem to not be alarmed by the the four walls of the cage they find themselves in. Pretty cages, with outdoor space and calming-colored walls and an ever-full lunchroom…. but cages all the same. The several layers of doors to the outside world don’t open unless you have the right retinal to scan, which none of them do.

He knows Fox figured out the code that goes with the scanning process months ago, even before they had started getting augmented in small ways- better endurance, stronger muscles, better hearing and eyesight.

They- those in charge- left their nerve endings in tact though, left the kids' bones brittle and fragile. Styxx (and he’s sure Nick and Isa) have heard horror stories, they know that those in charge will wait until the last second to change how much pain the young adults can take.

They need to be able to inflict pain to keep them in line.

Fox found the code, but for lack of plucking out someone’s eye, they had no way to use it. Not that that little piece of logic seemed able to stop Octavia as she struggled to get the last few paces to start beating on the door in an attempt to force it open. He knew it wouldn’t work- whoever built this prison knew the types of monsters they’d be creating in it- they wouldn’t leave vulnerabilites. “You are going to get yourself in trouble, do you hear me?” he hissed. “This isn’t like out there- here trouble isnt a slap on the wrist, its them digging into your head and your memories and figuring out what is going to break you apart the most. And then they do it.” He’s still holding her wrist, tightly enough that she’ll have a bruise for a few days, in the shape of his fingers.

But better bruised by him than broken by them.

I am getting the fuck OUT of here.

He pulled her toward him, close enough that he could lower his voice, close enough that she was practically against his chest and his lips were almost touching her hair. He’s sure they have cameras or mics or something hidden in every crevice of every room and he doesn’t want them hearing. “You will. But you have to be patient, Octavia the Younger. You won’t get out by banging on doors. You get out by playing their rules, letting them sharpen you into a weapon, and letting them walk you right out the door. If you want to get out of here without being in a body bag, that is your only option, do you understand me?” He lets her go and she falls a step back away from him.

Tears brimmed over her lashes, longing to be back with her brother. they’re never going to let us leave, styxx.

“They will.” There’s nothing but confidence in his tone and it seems to bolster her slightly. “When they’re satisfied.” He pins her with a look. “So show them your teeth, but don’t bite. Point your rage at whatever target they tell you. Play the game, and they’ll willingly let you out.” He doesn’t use the word ‘free’. It’s deliberate. They won’t be free, just out. Of course, if rumors are to be believed, Octavia would have the option to leave, to go off on her own and leave the others, but it will be so much harder for her then, once they’re interconnected, her and whatever unit she ends up in.

He prays it’s his. She may die anywhere else.

Her shoulders slump with resignation, and she nods, defeated. He feels his own muscles relaxing the slightest, not enough for a camera to notice. He’s about to speak when she glances up and before his eyes can follow hers, a thin, lithe figure drops from the ceiling at Styxx’s side, warm brown eyes looking to Octavia in disappointment and trust.

so no escape then? Fox asks.

Octavia shakes her head, looking to Styxx with the same trust Fox has in her. not yet. biding our time, i guess.

Fox makes a show of sighing, then shrugs. fine. then i’m hungry.

“We haven’t missed lunch yet, I’m sure Nicklas and Louis are waiting for you both.” The three turn to move further back into the facility, a large tanned hand on each girl’s back as though to herd them the way of safety.

#headstrongblake #styxx anaxkolasi. / int. / octavia blake. / headstrongblake #styxx anaxkolasi. / verse. / pv. / specialsverse #fox. / verse. / pv. / specialsverse

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dojunie · 4 months

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IVE BEEN WANTING TO GREET YOU A WELCOME BACKK!! 🤸🏻‍♀️😭 I WASNT REALLY SURE IF I SHOULD MSG, COZ THIS WOULD BE THE FIRST OF MY ENTIRE TUMBLR CARRER 🫢😭 BUT YAURSS 😭✊🏼 I JUST STARTED FOLLOWING YOUR ACCOUNT A MONTH AGO?? 😭 AND MISDIAL FUCKING ATE.‼️‼️ IT ISNT EVEN FINISHED, YET THE CHAPTERS IVE READ IS ENOUGH FOR ME TO KNOW ITS A MASTERPIECE FR 😭✊🏼 BRO I WAS LITERALLY READING IT ON A SCHOOL NIGHT, AND GURL WHEN I TELL YOU I COULD NOT STOP READING.BLOODSHOT EYES GLUED TO MY SCREEN, CHARGING MY PHONE AND LAYING ON ONE SIDE TILL IT REACHES A CERTAIN AMNT OF PERCENTAGE SO I COUKD TURN AROUND KNOWING I COULDNT WAIT AND PAUSE READING TYPE THANG 😭 SAFE TO SAY I DID NOT GET SLEEP 😭 I DEADASS FINISHED THOSE 2 CHAPTERS IN ONE GO, AND I SWORE TO MYSELF ID KEEP CHAPTER 3 FOR WHEN U UPDATE SO ID HAVE SOMETHING TO KEEP ME SANE. I LIED. I COULDNT HELP IT BRAH, YOUR WRITING JUST TEWW GOODD. I READ THE LAST CHAPTER IN SCHOOL, AND AFTER I FINISHED I WAS LITERALLY STUNNED BRO. LIKE WHADAFAK, I SAT THERE LONGING (😂😭) LIKE REAL NOT FAKE. I WAS GLUED TO MY SEAT JUST WISHING AND PRAYING FOR ANOTHER CHAPTER 😭✊🏼 I WAS DEADASS DYING WAITING FOR THE NEXT UPDATE BRO. AND I WAS EVEN MORE FLABBERGASTED WHEN I REALIZED YOU LAST UPDATED ON DECEMBER OF LAST YEAR⁉️⁉️ BRO I CRIED. I PRAYED, AND I CRIED 😭. I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE ABANDONED STORIES OR ABANDONED BLOGS 😭🙏🏼🧎🏻‍♀️ BUT BRO I LOVE GOD FR I LOVE THE UNIVERSE THEY BE WATCHING MY BACK COZ LITERALLY NOT EVEN A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER YOU CAME WITH AN UPDATE‼️ YAHEY😭🤸🏻‍♀️✨🧚🏻‍♂️ TALK ABT PERFECT TIMINGG‼️ BUT YAURS IK DIS WAS A LONG MSG 🤣 COULDNT CONTAIN MYSELF FR 😭✊🏼 BUT I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW, TAKE YOUR TIME WITH SETTLING IN, UPDATING, AND EVERYTHANG. YOU HAVE A LOT GOING ON WITH JOB HUNTING, SCHOOL, AND MOVING!! DONT FEEL PRESSURED TO UPDATE, TAKE YOUR TIME!! (Please update misdal soon 🙏🏼🧎🏻‍♀️😭🤣 ‼️half jks‼️🤣) BUT YAURS TAKE YOUR TIME AND MAKE SURE YOU’RE PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST 🫶🏻 LOVE YOUSSS ✨🧚🏻‍♂️🤸🏻‍♀️🫶🏻 STAY SAFES AND HEALTHY IN THE MEANWHILEE 😋🫶🏻🫶🏻😭 (sorry if I didn’t really make sense, English isn’t my first language 😭🙏🏼🫶🏻)

idk i think im in love w u

definitely need to put this under a read more bc i have been SCREAMING!!!!!!! OVER THIS ASK FOR THE LAST FEW DAYS!!!!!!! when i tell you im going to print out this message and stick it to the wall in front of my desk so i can see it every time i sit down to write najkdajdjsklajd nckdsn i love this ask i love u i love this ask i love you!!!!!!!!! im so happy the lil stories i write about kpop boys grabbed u hard enough to make u stay up on a school night, dying phone and all 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 as i was writing ch4 and starting ch5 i was thinking of this message like 'i cant let colorful anon down i have to get this shit out BEFORE 2024!!!!!!!!" AND SO BE IT IT SHALL BE DONE

its crazy to think that its Literally been an entire year since the last update and people are still so invested........... like im cryin a little yall are seriously the realest

i love u im not kidding this is my favorite ask of all time. i almost dont want to answer it so it can stay in my ask box forever but u clearly went all out in writing this so i simply cannot allow the world to not see your work of art

screenshotting to make it my wallpaper as we speak

i am dubbing you colorful anon, pls come back whenever you want even if its just to leave an emoji in my inbox when ch 4 drops

im going to staple this message to every wall of my house i am so honored to be ur first ask

going to OPEN the misdial google doc and write some more for YEW!!!!!!! CAUSE U DESERVE IT!!!! MUAH MUAH KISSES I AM TUCKING U INTO BED LOVINGLY!!!!!!!!!!

#dojun talks #dojun answers #BELOVED ANON #COLORFUL ANON #NUMBER ONE MISDIAL ENJOYER

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blacktinnedpeaches · 9 months

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more (covid-related) wedding complaining, gonna tag all the next few weeks' stuff with "cham's wedding" for the haters

ben's last day at work is the 17th + we get married on the 26th so im praying that this gives us enough time to dodge this current covid surge... he's literally not bothered at all and is just like "we'll figure it out :)" and im like oh my god... what is wrong w/ you like ... we have spent so much money we literally need to just not get sick the next few weeks ohhh my god... he's going to his family's at the weekend + that is gonna be the last thing i let him do (i might go, but i have a hsit ton of work to do and i dont think taking off a day is gonna help me get it all done) bc that *should* be enough time to get covid + get over it lol esp that we're all vaxxed as much as possible *and* ben already had it last december and i think reinfections on average are less severe (yes i know there is a lot of stuff arguing the opposite as well but i think people misinterpret reinfection studies as though there's an expotential risk - whereas it's more like, two nasty falls technically doubles your risk of breaking a leg or whatever but those two falls dont (usually) interact with each other at all to make said risk overall worse or greater or what have you. this was a huge tangent) also like whilst i do still fully take covid seriousyl i think it's ok to acknowledge that th eviral landscape looks massively different than it did in 2020 + that it generally isnt as much of a threat as it was back then to a population with varying - but generally high - levels of immunity either from vax or actual infection or both. would prefer to keep this immunity from "vax only" but i am pretty sure id be ok in terms of long covid - partly bc "long covid" is a term that encompasses much more than it should - it includes side-effects from severe illness, lingering symptoms such as a cough that lasts for 4+ weeks, and then the ME-like illness that some people get. this final category is actually vastly smaller than the other two (UK ONS suggests that it's something like 0.1% of the population have been "severely disabled" by LC compared to the group who haven't been - about 5% and this group declines over time - the severely disabled group doesnt.) + i think we need to bear this in mind when considering risk of "long covid" bc like atm "long covid" can mean way too many things to be a useful term. so when people say 1/10 infections result in long covid i think: ehhh

HOWEVER ALL THIS TO SAY that if ben gets covid and we have to cancel and/or postpone the wedding i am going to fucking murder him. so the weddingg wont be happening anyway

also does anyone want to see the nastiest bug bite ive ever had? DM me for pics

#cham's wedding

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lewmagoo · 1 year

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Sorry I am a Christian (not a good one) and I do have religious trauma, church in gen kind of burns me out and I cant stand but I still believe and its all about God loving and love and all

My parents are pastors and are huge advocates for therapy. My mom has pointed out how people in the Bible suffered from mental health and how it isnt a new thing, how it isnt just "the state of the world now" or "a phase", but how people needed help back then even. Yeah, sure they turned to God like we should, BUT THEY NEEDED THERAPY. People have told my mom "uh but they should pray more and God can take the feelings away he's all powerful he created everything" and my mom deadass looks them in the eye and says "yeah sure they can pray more so can you and I. Since God is all powerful there must have been a reason he created therapy, because we need it."

My mom is probably the best example of a Christian I've ever seen irl, she loves and advocates for love and mental health.

I dont understand people sometimes like esp Christians who are against therapy and advocating for mental health. If it helps you and heals you???? Why not?????

You can delete this if you want, idc, I just really can't stand when "christians" do that. As someone who claims to be a Christian, I am sorry.

i completely agree. therapy is so important. it’s okay to ask for help. i grew up baptist and for so long the mindset was like “just pray the mental health issues away!” it’s such an archaic, harmful way of thinking. thankfully, since we have a new pastor with new, more progressive ideas, my church is becoming a lot more open to mental health issues and how to get help for them. which is great. but older church members, my parents included, are still of the mindset that you just need to pray more! god will help you! like okay? i’ve tried that. ive tried to seek god through my rock bottom moments and depressive episodes and it simply wasn’t enough.

i thought something was wrong with me. especially when i was going through some incredibly traumatic events and tried to seek god and felt alone. so i decided to see a therapist. and that was when i realized it’s okay to ask for help. god and the bible aren’t automatic fix-it’s for mental health problems. seeing a therapist isn’t shameful or wrong or admitting you think god can’t help you. if i so choose, i can maintain a relationship with god while also seeking outside help for my mental health. i haven’t been able to go to another therapist for a while bc of other circumstances, but it was an immense help to me when i was able to, and i would never tell anyone “oh just trust god and you’ll be fine! read the bible!” because that’s just not realistic. some people need professional help rather than religion.

#asks #religious trauma

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shkspr · 2 years

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Ooohhh, please explain?

assuming youre asking about this i would LOVE to explain but this isnt a fully formed theory yet so heres some bullet points in the absence of an essay:

first i gotta say there are definitely a lot of ways in which jon is scully and martin is mulder. ofc it isnt all gonna be one way or the other but i do think martin is more scully and jon is more mulder on the whole

jon is more prone to paranoia, mania, impulsivity, self-sacrifice, and the sort of lone wolf mentality that comes of thinking that you can get to the bottom of a big conspiracy and anyone you trust enough to help you is someone you actually want to keep far away from it whenever you can so they dont get hurt. but thats not your choice is it sir.

he has this intense dedication to his job, and then to his cause when it becomes clear that his cause goes beyond and sometimes directly contradicts his actual job.

also just the fact that theyre down there in the basement trying to stop evil shit while their superiors upstairs are, at best, so bogged down in bureaucracy as to be incompetent, and at worst, actively perpetrating the evilest shit of all and lying about it while the wacky basement guy nearly gets himself killed on a weekly basis in his search for the #Truth

on the subject of their superiors: elias fills the roles of both skinner and csm in various ways and within those analogies jon is mulder

jon represses his emotions (fear, love, survivors guilt, confusion, anger at loss of agency, self-loathing, etc.) until he bursts (frequent snark and snappishness, occasionally explosive) bc he doesnt trust anyone enough to open up and he doesnt know how to deal with feelings (and he greatly overestimates his own skill at hiding them)

martin represses his emotions (fear, love, parental guilt, jealousy, anger at injustice, self-consciousness, etc.) until he bursts (frequent passive aggression and petulance, occasionally boils over) bc hes been rewarded for doing so in the past and he doesnt want to burden anyone (and he excels in making himself smaller for the benefit of others)

a guest for mr spider is jons praying mantis epiphany

martin is just generally more levelheaded and practical than jon tbh. scully would think of a corkscrew is all im saying

martin is constantly underestimated and underappreciated and relegated to jons second fiddle. but hes also smart and hardworking and loyal and always surprising people who dont take him seriously.

jon and mulder have loud and enigmatic genders while martin and scully have genders that are subtler and more secure. iykyk

they both have something to prove in a big way but its like. different. jon and mulder have significant childhood traumas that are connected to the Big Mystery they have to solve so they think by solving the Big Mystery theyll solve their own lives. whereas scully and martin have a very specific need to be effective and practical to prove that they deserve their place and deserve to be counted at the table

i think that basically. like you know how mulder needed to look down from the stars and scully needed to look up from the microscope and they made each other better and made each other see what they were taking for granted. and jon and martin kinda both needed the same thing, which was mostly to be loved and accepted, but its like. in different ways. i think jon needed to be loved in a grounding way and martin needed to be loved in a freeing way. sorta. if i figure out what i mean by this i will let you know.

thanks for coming to my ted talk i guess?

#txf #magpod #jm #msr #sorry my primary form of media enjoyment is comparing it to other media ://#its bc im smart and sexy

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wewfimapuppie · 2 months

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idk if i am protecting myself in any way here. but this is my final log.

i am going to have to take the message at face value. i saw the wkrd frighgebed and scared and idk how he perceived what i was doing. i felt like fuck it yknow i might be wrong but this is how its going for me. i felt it was the best thing to do? idk i def said weird shit.

theres no way around it this time. i went manic. i lost my shit. i imagined all that. i scared him.

to me it felt so real dude. so real. it felt like crazg things were happening to me. and i dont have a good support system so idk haha. i hated taking pills. i felt so awful. so i just wanna rely on God for now. and therapy. i'll find a way.

i'll also lay low. wear a black face mask. sunglasses. black beanie. on my way to work and way out. no one will know its me. i'll change and wear a dif sweater and bring a dif jacket yknow i even wanna dye my tips orange like. i feel so embarrassed and i dont wanna see him or have amyone that knows see me. im hiding. im scared. im disappearing. i will just work, head to Tijuana, get uber eats on fridays and some white claws or adjacent when we get comfy. and we dont talk to anyone except maricruz and our coworkwers yknow. stay vigiliant. i rather you dont talk to anyone anymore. we can make friends some other way.

i rather we focus on paying off our debt. and we drop this. we are at a point where we are questioning a text he sent us. we cant do that......

i rather like i said, we lay low, no attention towards ourselves and we wear a mask and domt do shows we are an online act idk. i wanted to be like yahoo lets do shkws z and this happened instead? i went manic? so idk i need to just dont interact w ppl like natasha i look stupid and crazy i have no supplrt to tell me um this is mania.

i can still paint, i can still sell, i can still make music even. but i cant expand or be public in san diego nah nope. i dont ever wanna see him or anyone. this is embarrassssing dude.

lets jjst keep it simple. food. paint. youtube. spotify. cookies and weed. some alcohol. lets just chill yknow? like back to the status quo? but this time we start fresh i guess. but for rn i rather be alone lmao. i feel cringe.

hopefully i can just focus on the job and getting my life together. thats all i can do. ni modo yknow? what else can i do? stay stuck on this? lets just move on. and focus on keeping ourselves afloat. safe. we will be okay. i still want to pray.

the last thing i'll say though is idk why he said that he blocked me bc i sent him noods when

1. he hearted them

2. he djdnt blkck me

3. i blocked him that time

4. i didnt sent him noods this time?

also i specifically have not mentioned his name jjst ryan and my complaints are like... justified?

so my theories on that is...

1. that... wasnt him...

2. he is like.... a psychopath and it isnt even me!! to twist it. make me feel like i went crazy??

3. hes saying a lie to cover why he really blocked me and its i seem crazy.

its just weird he said 2 wrong things. that i ever falked shit abt him and that i sent nudes now kr that he bloxked me when i did it 3 years ago? like he has reason to say jt was fhe Gkd stuff....

he also just ignored anything i said. about the holy ghost stuff. he didnt talk about God at all. the message was like in broken english it was weird. maybe he was scared? but why say a lie ljke that? when i felt its either im crazy or im...on to something. .

and why did he unblock me at all? to warn me or settle it? its still weird to ignore my one accusation. bro. whats with the staring.

but idk its weird like its enough where theyd know what happened. the email. the calling. ryan. the other subtle ways of contact.

so idk i think he couldnt say its bc you seem crazy and he gave you that reason as to why he blocked you even if it doesnt make sense. eventually we're gonna have to accept this is his response. idk abt what he knows abt me and ryan but i know he knows that unsolicited nudes thing is whack bc be liked them and he never blocked me i blocked him... so wtf.

i hate that this wasnt to me, a proper response. like ok i was frightening shit. but wait ur saying u blocked me? nah u blocked me now. no njdes. so idk what to make of this response. to believe it? theres an incorrect factoid.... that isnt it. so shit what now? now that is what will drive me crazy is saying that shit when that didnt happen.

thags what makes me think maybe he was a... cooky guy. bc hes lying. hes manipulating the situation. he didnt explaim himself. just said i was scary and a lie.

idk what it is at this point. him. me? what are the next steps? well... i rather we pretend it didnt happen. im never contacting him or seeing him. im leaving him alone. i dont want to make it worse. i can find "normal" love like tanner. no celestial shit. just hey we fit.... i wish it was normal. i'll pray for it.

but we forget him Riv.... he's gone. whatever it is you thought... his response, whether you believe it or not, could be his real response. and theres signs that your perspective is skewed. and this is it.

i know the nudes thjng sticks out to you Riv. but what are you supposed to do with that suspicion? i cant go see him and be like "was that really you?" like shiiiit no. so now what?

that is why i wanna tell you this; i need to feed you and pay your debt so im getting u a job. but i will also tell you this; if its meant to be it will be. if that isnt him, the real him will appear. but if not, you have more to live for

so. we forget any of this ever happened. we are in incognito mode. we keep it chill. focus on your mental health.

start working. start forgetting. get good at hiding. keep it simple. we can walk away from this bruv. who says we need to acknlowledge this happened? im dropping thjs. even the lie. it could be a cover up to a harsher feeling. we was nice enough to wish me good health....

i will be w say sd and just surviving. this is my last zane log tbh. for my safety and wellbeing.

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kk4pups · 3 months

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hi. i am a person that saw your tags out there and wants to ask you about your vocaloid playlists. go wild have fun <3 have a good time

hi. i love you. i have mental illness. lets talk about it

theres 22 right now........... some of them have silly names but i am not changing that for this post. i had to put emojis on all of them because i started having trouble finding my playlists at a glance. big al is my favorite (105 songs/covers but like 10 are privated so more like 95) but he actually doesnt get new additions to his playlist that often because no one gaf about big al (and im unreasonably picky about how people tune him given how little content he gets too) but i did add one (1) cover last night so thats awesome

my brain rot playlist is the biggest sitting at 855 songs/covers atm, probably an Unreasonable percent of that is covers because most of my favs (big al, piko, fukase, etc) dont Get originals very often for various reasons. but honestly even in the case of favs who get plenty of originals (len, flower) i still have lots of covers for them too i feel like this is somehow a funny reflection of my tastes which i think are kind of unconventional in terms of the selection of synths i enjoy. but at the same time, my dex playlist has literally 3 songs in it because i just found out i had a dex playlist (i forgot) so all of them are various levels of filled out.

the oliver playlist is particularly sparse (8 songs/covers) which i am sad about because oliver is in my top 5-6 vocaloids but i Rarely find things i like with him (because a lot of people use him for ballads and i am incapable of enjoying ballads 99% of the time even if i can appreciate their beauty. i get bored) and im praying to god that maghni will save me from this terrible fate of empty playlist

my rin playlist is pathetic though because probably at least half of it is rin/len duets but this is not the case for my len playlist so my bias is 100% there unfortunately my matsudappoiyo playlist (66 songs/covers) probably sees the most activity in recent days because i listened to just a few covers for him and it was then the only thing youtube would recommend for several months. ron keine is incidental because people ship him with matsudappoiyo so he just kept Showing Up during this period (14 songs/covers. actually since these are two are utau they might all be covers) but ive grown to like him so i actually listen to it frequently and want to add to it my misc utau playlist doesnt have an emoji right now because what the hell emoji do you use for that. the 🇺 emoji isnt a real emoji outside of discord it just converts to unicode do you know how mad i am about that. open to suggestions on this issue i want to make one for kiyoteru but i probably have less than 10 songs for him right now. maybe less than 5. and every time i make a new playlist i have to wrestle youtube to load my 855 song playlist in its entirety, so that i can find all the songs i have for that specific vocaloid, but is so laggy that its actually a problem, i dont know what to do about it. but ive also seen people with 2000+ song vocaloid playlists so i have no idea what im going to do when i get to that point which given enough time i Will but also its taken 7 (?) years to Passively get to this point so i dont think its an immediate concern either (? unless i go insane? which is not an unrealistic possibility at this point) also im open to vocaloid song suggestions always, and it really does not matter who the vocaloid is because i like all vocaloids (yes all of them. yes even that one) in a perfect world i would make a playlist for every vocaloid, but i think if i made an active effort to do so i would literally die, and its something that can only occur if it happened naturally, which it probably wont because even if i am happy to listen to any vocaloid i Do only actively seek out my favs i really need to make more playlists. but like i am already in this position lol

#im lightheaded #i barely slept and havent eaten yet #im probably forgetting something but i feel like im going to pass away #reblogs turned off because i really dont think this should be reblogged not that anyone would but jic #long post #talk #anon #ask #100% taking followup questions btw preferably in ask form because if you reply i might forget to check #also if you want links to any of them i will absolutely share i would love to share i was just lazy in getting them this time #though some of them are really small like gakupo and defoko are small so your mileage may vary

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