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the-rogue-mockingjay · 9 months

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💗 slow kiss / gentle kiss / inevitable / soft

Hiya Middy! Long time no see!! I hope life has been kind to you 💜💜💜

lol we're thinking on the same wavelength today @coldshrugs 😂 :>

anyway. This was supposed to be a snippet. It...did not end up being a snippet omg, it really got away from me kdlfhgjkfdhgk. It's 3:40 in the morning and this is the first piece I've (more or less) finished in like 3 or 4 months. It's just under 1,300 words. Set a few weeks after the big Endwalker finale, so vague mentions of what happened there.

[prompt meme]

nascent hope & new beginnings

The uneven rhythm of O’ravi’s cane tapping on the cobblestone announces her presence before she emerges from the early morning fog that blankets Sharlayan, and Aymeric sets aside the report he was reading, its contents immediately forgotten.

She’s starting to look like herself again, a clarity in her eyes now that’s been absent since her return from Ultima Thule. The silver and teal shawl she’s wrapped around her shoulders clashes somewhat oddly with the dark red tunic dress she wears, which in turn contrasts with the royal blue ribbon that holds her hair in a loose ponytail. It’s a far cry from the well-coordinated outfits she wears for business and battle, but it suits her.

O’ravi smiles, a little lopsidedly, a little shyly, and waves. “Hey.”

“Good morning, Ravi.” He can’t help it—he runs to meet her, and offers his arm. “You’re up early.”

“The pain was too great to stay in bed. So I thought I might as well seek you out, enjoy the fresh air.” She moves to link her arm through his but pauses, a strange look on her face. Instead, she reaches up to grasp his collar and tugs.

Wordlessly, and with no small amount of confusion, he acquiesces to her wish and leans down.

And softly, sweetly, feather-lightly, she presses a kiss to his lips.

She withdraws before he realizes what happened, content. His heart lurches like a wounded animal within his chest, his breath suddenly shaky, and she winds her arm through his as if she didn’t just send him reeling.

He can’t bear to look at her, he can’t bear to look away. The kiss in Ala Mhigo, before she set out for Garlemald—when she’d kissed him like her survival depended on it only to flee for the airship. That was moons ago, and they’d not spoken of it yet. It was never the right time.

Now, this. Against all the odds she defeated Meteion and Zenos and made it home alive, and she could’ve gone to anyone—could’ve sought out anyone she wished—but she chose to be here. With him.

Halone have mercy.

They walk together down the garden path back to the pavilion. Her gait is unsteady and torpid, but between him and the cane she’s at no risk of falling. It frustrates and distresses her to be so robbed of strength, but he’s just glad to see her up and about and alive. Safe, and free.

There’s a chill on the breeze, carrying the promise of snow and the memory of home. The long walks they took through the Pillars on the eve of battles she didn’t believe she’d return from. He lays a hand over hers, letting her clammy hands soak up his warmth. Soon, they’d go home together, and never again would she need to leave fearing what fate awaited her in far-off lands. Not if he had anything to say about it.

They make their way to the bench where Aymeric left the report, and O’ravi attempts to fold her legs beneath her only to cringe and hiss when the motion aggravates some half-dozen different wounds.

“Careful,” Aymeric says, settling down beside her.

“It never gets easier.” She leans the handle of her cane into the corner of the pavilion wall, careful not to knock it over lest its clattering disrupt the morning quiet. Her tail swishes placidly as she shifts to close the distance between them, ensuring that her arm rests against his and her leg likewise touches his.

He raises his hand slightly in silent offering; without hesitation, she twines her fingers through his.

“Aymeric,” she says, so softly it’s almost a whisper, “what do you think happens now that the Final Days are over? No more Ascians, no more Garlean expansionism, no more Hydaelyn and Zodiark…”

“Years of rebuilding, to start with. No nation was spared the destruction the blasphemies and towers wrought—in every corner of the world, entire communities were wiped out, the population slaughtered or turned, to say nothing of the state of Garlemald. We must needs—”

O’ravi laughs. “No, no, no, I meant: duty and the wider world be damned, what do you want for your future?”

Ah.

He blinks stupidly, trying to cobble together an answer. “I’ve not put much thought into it, to tell you the truth.”

In truth, that is a flat-out lie. Of course he’s thought about it. But what he wants, what he longs for above all else—he cannot ask that of her. What if the request hurts her? And, perhaps it’s selfish, but what if her answer hurts him? Their friendship is too important to take the risk. No, he will hold his tongue.

“You don’t have to have it all figured out right now,” she says, and while her smile is tender there’s a knowing look in her eye that he can’t withstand. “Just think about it for a while.”

He never has been good at lying to her. His one consolation is that she’s just as bad at lying to him.

“What of you? The world is yours now, your life is your own again. What will you do with it?”

“Well.” She straightens her spine, ears twitching excitedly, and her smile takes on a mischievous edge. “After all I’ve done, I have more than earned the right to live as I see fit. I’ve earned the right to put duty and responsibility and reputation aside—and I know someone else who has earned the same.”

“We do owe much to your fellow Scions and Warriors of Light.”

“No, Aymeric, I mean you.” She takes his other hand in her own and squeezes. “The future is ours now. Ours to shape, ours to live. After all we’ve bled and suffered and sacrificed, we need to do something for ourselves. Just this much at least.” She leans towards him, and he has no choice but to meet her gaze. “You give and you give and you give of yourself until you have nothing left. The world takes and it never gives back, and before you know it you’ve lost yourself. I know this is happening to you because it happened to me, too. You have to draw a line in the sand somewhere and say, this is mine, this belongs to me, and the world can’t touch it. Aymeric, may I tell you what I want for the future?”

The light is glinting off the gold veins that mar her eyes. Her sincerity is painful to behold.

“Of course.”

“I want you to find yourself again. I want to find me again…and I want us to do it together. I want us to walk into the future together, hand in hand, side by side. Whatever paths we walk going forward, I want us to walk them together until the end of our days.”

“I…”

By the Fury, how is he supposed to answer that? How is he meant to—?

His heart is racing, and she’s watching him with such an innocence, a kindness that’s driving him mad.

Her wish answers the question he couldn’t voice. Yet it still leaves some things up in the air, namely: will they continue to keep a distance between them? Pretend Ala Mhigo never happened and remain friends and naught more?

A deeply foolish thought—he knows what the answer to that is, even if he won’t admit it—but nonetheless…

O’ravi raises an inquisitive eyebrow. “What say you, my brilliant blue knight?” His thoughts are spinning too rapidly to be trusted now, so despite the fact he’ll likely regret it later, he follows the impulse of his heart and kisses the scar that cuts across the bridge of her nose. Let that be answer enough.

#i slammed this out in one night so it is nowhere near as polished as what i usually post #if i allowed myself to edit it it would never get posted SO #no editing we die like dragoons using elusive jump during the titan boss fight #well i mean. i'll probably edit it tomorrow afternoon but. for now we're not playing that game GKJHDFLGKJ #don't judge me don't look at me it's 3am and this held me hostage even as my brain's ability to words sputtered out T^T #we are NOT main tagging this it is TOO SILLY #i might be cringe but i am freeeeeee baybee #i will probably rewrite the end later but for now it is good enough #i decided not to let the perfectionism win and prevent me from writing + posting this so if it's messy that would be why lmao #i will fix it later for now we are floating in the goofy pool and crying into our hands !!!#o'ravi soltholia #rogue writes #o'ravmeric #OKAY BYE IM GONNA SLEEP NOW BEFORE THE ANXIETY CAN CATCH ME 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️#endwalker spoilers #really really vaguely??? idk but just to be safe #HELPPPPP #is this even coherent? idk but i had fun writing it. that's the important part #and considering the migraines and pain and brain fog I've been in lately im amazed i was able to write at all #so. even if this sucks i created something so MISSION ACCOMPLISHED #thank u for the asks besties 💕 it really did help clear the brain fog a lil #also for the record this is my first time writing shippy stuff that isn't pre relationship or It's Complicated so. yay!!!!!#the only other shippy stuff ive written was shepard and kaidan angsting about shepard's death so this is new territory for me 😂

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reitziluz · 7 months

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re: weightlifting

the stronk is inevitable

(moved to the Big Lifts Room and doing a third of my workout with barbells after the long arduous journey of taking things slow with tiny weights)

#body improvement #extremely satisfying #esp how unlike writing or drawing or hell even crafts #i can just go to the gym #even on a brain fog day or whatever #no week is wasted now because at least i will have Worked Out #(because anything that could prevent me going is also stuff that's a free pass)#(like luckily my perfectionism bullshit is very happy to take a break if i get sick or smth)

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sanakimohara · 4 months

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“COLA” - B.C.

“I got a taste for men who are older…”

Synopsis: Having a crush on her best friend’s older brother was a secret Y/n L/n had managed to hide for years. She presumed those feelings had disappeared over time, but when Chris—or rather, Chan, as he’s called by the rest of the world—makes a surprise visit to Australia to spend his last break of the year with his family, Y/N is bewildered to find that she, in fact, is still infatuated with her best friend's brother. Unbeknownst to her, Chan is already well aware of it and isn’t above taking advantage of her innocent crush on him. All fun and games, right?

WARNINGS: [MDNI! 18+] pining, fluff, smut, a bit of angst, cursing, smoking, and alcohol use. oh and the DDGL dynamic is implied…

A/N: Let’s hope I don’t scrap this and at least finish writing it…also Chan is his current age 25 and the reader is 18+

—————————————————————

*click click click*

The pen in her hand chirped the sound repeatedly as she anxiously toyed with it. Her foot tapped under the desk she sat at, another sign of her stress level rising and a less noisy indicator of nervousness to her peers seated around her. Y/N took a deep breath, trying to clear her racing mind for a split second to conjure up an answer to the question printed on the paper in front of her.

It seemed impossible to focus on the invisible weight of perfectionism that she subconsciously mounted. It was just a test. A written one. No big deal. She’d been completing assessments like this all year. However, the notion of it being the final and most important test of the year had Y/n second-guessing knowledge she’d consumed tirelessly throughout the year. Her bottom lip caught between her teeth as she inhaled and exhaled as slowly as her body would allow her to before her gaze refocused on the question.

She scanned it once, then twice; the answer to it eventually peeked through the fog that was her brain. She jotted it down with urgency before flipping the paper over to signal she was done. The professor monitoring the room full of boarding students lifts their heads at the sound of a paper turning. To no surprise, Y/N is the culprit of the clumsy noise but receives no reprimand from the instructor. Instead, they smile and motion for the young woman to hand her packet of questions in.

Y/N wastes no time in doing so, gathering her personal belongings before retrieving the paper. She cautiously descends the stairs that lead towards the professor's desk, and when she reaches her destination, she smiles sweetly and places the packet in the professor’s waiting hand. “You had me worried for a moment Ms, L/n,” they joke with a knowing smile and said girl nervously glanced at her shoes before answering in a hushed voice with a coy smile. “I was worried for myself actually…” It’s the truth. Her anxiety always worsened under pressure -especially during tests.

The professor maintained their smile and began grading her packet which slightly unnerved Y/n. “I don’t see why you’d be worried Ms. L/n. Your work has been exceptional the whole year….” The paused, pen pointed right at Y/n, “…you shouldn’t worry so much all the time. You can relax sometimes, it’s healthy for you, you know?” Y/n nodded, internally grimacing as they repeated advice she’d heard a thousand times before, but found it increasingly harder to do in a prestigious school without a single friend there to “relax” with.

She wasn’t a social butterfly but she did prefer the company of friends she’d grown close to throughout her childhood. Unfortunately, most of them attended other universities, started a family early, or just down right fell of the face of the earth at some point. The only person she had left to spend time with was Hannah Bang. Her best friend since grade school who had chosen to attained university closer to her family.

Y/n wished she could’ve done the same but her parents would never allow it, so here she was being told to find joy in her life of education without a single person to do so with. “I’ll keep that in mind Professor. May I leave now?” Y/n already knew they wouldn’t deny her request since it was the last day of the semester but as polite as she was walking out without properly asking didn’t seem right.

The professor stared at her a bit longer, a sort of concern swimming in their eyes as they processed her question. A moment passed and then the instructor wished her a good break and allowed her to leave with a simple nod of their head. Y/n let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding as she exited the cathedral like seminar room and entered the limestone halls of the large campus.

Not many students were out and about and even less took notice of her so she pulled her phone out and checked her messages. A smile appeared on her face as a new message alert from Hannah Bang shown on her screen.

>> You’re still coming right? 🤨

Y/n rolled her eyes at Hannah’s sarcasm. She could practically hear Hannah asking her this with a trademark snicker in her tone.

<< yes, I wouldn’t miss it for the world :)

>> Yes you actually would. Well, for a test or smth 🙄

<< wow you got me there Han…

>> I in fact do.

>> no but seriously…

>> I won’t forgive you if you cancel last minute like you did last year.. :(

Y/n cringes remembering how she backed out of her plans with Hannah last minute last holiday. There were a mixture of reasons she’d canceled but the main and most truthful reason was because Hannah had mentioned her older brother would also be at home for the holidays.

Like a coward, Y/n immediately backed out of staying with the Bang family hearing the news that he was there. She felt so ashamed and selfish of that decision and so when Hannah offered Y/n a chance to spend her break with them again this year she couldn’t bring herself to refuse.

It also helped that Hannah mentioned her older brother wouldn’t be making appearance like last time. Y/n gulped, face turning rose red, tummy doing backflips as the thought of seeing Christopher Bang in the flesh again caused her to malfunction. She chewed on her inner cheek, mindlessly wandering to lean up against a nearby wall as the few memories of him she’d religiously studied for years flooded her head. It was like all the logic left and all she could think about was him. After all these years she’d thought he’d be a distant memory or at least a less vivid one.

That just wasn’t the case though and no matter how many times she denied her attraction to Hannah’s older brother, the mere mention of him had her dumbfounded with adoration.

*buzz buzz*

Y/n snapped out of her lovesick daze as her phone vibrated. She’d totally forgotten to answer Hannah’s text and tried not face palm herself for it.

>> Leaving me on read is so mean.

<< Shush you’ll survive Han. I just blanked for a minute sorry.

>> Sure whatever you say 😔

<< don’t try to guilt me Han. You leave me on read like 99 % of the time

>> damn you got me there.

>> okay so you’re coming right? My mom keeps asking me so hurry up and decide!

<< I said you yes I’ll be there Han…

<< Just to be clear though….Chris won’t be there this year right?

>> …no why?

>> are you mad at him for something cause you asked me that last year too..🤨

<< NO I’m not mad at him lol!…

<< I was just wondering cause ya know he seems so busy in Korea with his band.

>> Oh I see.. I forget that you’re a closeted Stay sometimes.

>> No, he won’t be here though. Told our dad him and the members have too many end of the year award shows to preform at this time.

Y/n relaxed her body reading Hannah’s last text. A twinge of disappointment hit her heart but overall she was glad Chris wouldn’t be an obstacle in her break. Besides being attracted to him, her and Chris got along fairly well the few times she’d interacted with him while hanging out with Hannah. Due to his career and their slight age gap there wasn’t much Y/n could hold a conversation with him about and it was no help that she was in fact a fan of Stray Kids since their debut.

The pride she felt watching them on stage -watching Chan perform- was immeasurable but she assumed if he ever found out about her love for his idol activities he’d avoid her entirely.

A double edged sword that Y/n wasn’t fond of.

She told herself it wouldn’t be an issue this year though. Spending time with Hannah and Mrs & Mr Bang was all she wanted. Her family weren’t very….warm to be around. Especially not around the holidays so she preferred the company and hospitality of the Bang family anytime they offered it.

Y/n pushed her body off the cold stone wall, continuing her walk to her dorm suit across the campus as she texted Hannah back.

<< okay.

<< omw to start packing, see you in like 5 hours i think?..

>> your uni is only 4 hours away dummy…but yeah I’ll see you then :)

She shut her phone off, slipping it into her bag of belongings, and continuing on her way towards her dorm.

The whole walk there she was smiling, already reminding about the time she’d spent with the Bang family. How Hannah was and always will be her favorite person but most of all Chris, and the way his presence melted over her existence like warm honey.

As much as she wanted to taste its divine sweetness she knew it’d only make a mess of things…

—————————————————————

This was a series posted on my main acc but I decided to move it here. Please lmk what you think and if I should continue it. I already have PT2 in the works…

BONUS CONTENT +

#Spotify #skz #bang chan #stray kids #bang chris #skz smut #bang chan smut #stray kids x reader #skz imagines #skz x reader #chan skz #christopher bang

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monotremer · 1 year

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I've been super inactive on here lately but I haven't abandoned the fandom at all. Just dealing with a lot of worries about my own surgery for endometriosis that's coming up soon as well as concerns regarding my loved ones' health, and trying to fight my way through writer's block (due to too many ideas for my fic rather than too few, thankfully) along with the usual smörgåsbord of OCD/anxiety/depression/brain fog. I'm making progress on and off, but I'm frustrated by my own slowness and perfectionism. But I'm still very much invested in all of this and all my friends here <3

#me #whining

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ivefallenforyouandicantgetup · 10 months

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My experience with disability has been long, painful, and frustrating.

I have too many stories to tell in one post without making a new ‘Color of the Sky’ so instead I’ll be putting one and rb-ing a new one every now and then. Maybe one story per day for this month? I certainly have enough for that lol

SO!

Let’s meet the ~lovely~ little pains in my butt!

💖ADHD

You know what ADHD is. You use TUMBLR. There’s no way that you don’t

🥳Severe Depression

While you likely know depression, here’s what mine encapsulates: suicidal ideation, suicidal impulses, self harming ideation, Intense self hatred, Disregard for my life and well being, difficulty with hygiene, and of course, a general intense feeling of unhappiness and dissatisfaction at nearly all times unless coping through escapism.

💕Raynaud’s Syndrome

Circulatory disorder characterized by a discoloration of the extremities such as fingertips, toes, nose, ears, (and knees in my case, dunno if that’s normal tho). Extremities are often red. purple, or white and freezing to the touch. My fingers are a direct binary of burning or freezing. They are never the same temperature as the rest of my body. They are either too hot or too cold. When cold: fingers have decreased mobility and are often extremely painful.

🎀Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS)

Autonomic disorder that can basically be summed up as When Stand Blood Go To Feet & Don’t Come Up So Brain No Worky Right™️

Blood pools in the feet, causing there to a be a decreased amount of blood circulating in my body which causes a variety of ~fun~ effects, including but not limited to: Dizziness, fainting, temporary loss of vision, burning like pain in legs, decreased ability to move, brain fog, decreased ability to think, decreased ability to breath, rapid heartbeat, temporary loss of hearing, body tremors, many assorted stomach issues, fatigue, decreased endurance for physical activity of any kind (including laughing and chewing), near constant nausea, and more~

🥰Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

THIS IS NOT PERFECTIONISM. OCD is a variety of anxiety disorder that causes a sort of delusional response unit to randomly appear in your head. Your brain convinces itself that something specific has to be done in a specific way or else something terrible will happen (often to myself, for me). It is NOT PERFECTIONISM, it is a fear of DEATH over something like someone not excusing themself after they burp (that’s actually a real one that I have). It is a state of panic that causes the person afflicted to do rash, unreasonable things fueled by adrenaline and fear. Even when explained to that the thing could not possibly happen, (i.e. my arm will not fall off if I hold it up for more than 5 seconds in class) the person cannot be convinced and will continue to panic. These compulsions happen more than once, often daily occurrences that can be so SO frustrating to deal with.

Thank you~ See you with a lovely story sometime tomorrow 💕

#disability pride month #disability pride #postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome #pots #potsawareness #potsie #pots syndrome #depression #actually ocd #ocd #raynauds #raynauds syndrome #adhd #physical disability #mental disability #chronic illness #All my physically disabled babes in the club go AYYY #All my peeps that lose their ability to stand see and hear sometimes go OHHH #I might have forgotten some of my ~precious babies~ 🤪 but I will blame that on the brain fog

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finsterhund · 2 months

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Medication and guilt.

So I'm destined that unless there's significant medical breakthroughs in the treatment of currently chronic conditions to always be taking a variety of medications until I die.

Chronic physical conditions, chronic mental conditions, neurodivergent traits that are benefitted from medication, etc.

I've resigned myself to this. To never surviving in the wild. It's fine.

But recently it's become apparent that cannabis as a consistently reoccurring medication is ultimately more beneficial for me than taking it rarely on occasion.

I feel guilty about this from childhood abuse, shame, and from my birth father being an addict, and it feels like it "doesn't count" and it's "a harder drug than stuff my doctor prescribed me" but ultimately it's just a plant. A flower. I shouldn't be acting like it's somehow worse than my lab grown doctor prescribed antipsychs, antidepressants, etc.

But idk just the guilt and the feeling of being a loser?

Guh.

But undeniable is the fact that cannabis is both significant in helping me manage my physical ailments and my mental ones too. I'm actually able to sit down and be creative and design things and not feel overcome with guilt, perfectionism, and grief. Accessing things that were inside me this whole time but that a significant portion of my brain was cutting me off from. It's like my PTSD makes me suppress enjoying life to prepare me for something bad to happen. And cannabis can briefly prevent that.

I must stress the cannabis does not give me things that weren't already there. It allows me to shut off pain and grief and all of that. To see beyond the constant fog.

With this being said, I am seriously considering making this an intentional reoccurring thing in my life after a detailed conversation addressing the risks with my doctor I had during a previous appointment.

I'm not going into this lightly. I know I'm predisposed to addiction and such. I am aware there are risks and wanted to discuss them first.

But cannabis allows me to experience what it is like to not be suffering all the time. And I think that's something worth pursuing.

I know that as someone who is open about being mentally a child most of the time means that my use of medications might make people uncomfortable and I'm sorry for that. I'd just say to think of it like any other medication I'm working with my doctor on using to help me. I'm a special child after all. Special circumstances.

I'm also going to exclusively be using legal cannabis that has been regulated by the government. If possible I will be looking into medically prescribed too.

I'm of a very scientific mind and I've been trying to approach this as objectively as I can.

Since consuming gummies for pain, the amount of excessive "liver killer" type pain meds I've been taking has dropped drastically, I've had more energy and creativity, and I think I am even losing weight.

I hope you all will not think less of me for this.

~Andy

#text post #drug ment tw #long post

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caitlynkruger-designs · 1 year

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Perfectionism & Burnout

As the term is coming to an end burnout is a word that keeps popping up. I'm currently in a work, stress, and health psychology class so I'm learning all about burnout. I learned I am currently dealing with burnout right now. It's a lot. I was no stranger to procrastinating but this is on a whole nother level. As a Capricorn (/s) I deal with a lot of perfectionism. So on top of the burnout, I've also been feeling guilty. I tell myself I'll just try to take a quick 20 minute power nap but it's so hard to get up if I even end up falling asleep. Most of the time I spend the 20 minutes feeling guilty and worrying myself so much I end up staying up and taking another 20 minutes and so on.

I think there's a lot contributing to my burnout. I have an autoimmune disease and other chronic illnesses which lead to a lot of fatigue and brain fog. Being neurodivergent doesn't help. I'm also taking 5 classes compared to last term when I only took 4. Throughout this burnout and the process of dealing with it, I've learned that I really need to give myself a break. I don't always need to turn in work that is A+, sometimes it's better to just turn in work and get some sleep than stay up all night reading the same essay hoping something new comes to mind. I've been talking to a lot of students that have been at WSUV longer and they feel the same way.

You really have to make time for self-care, because if you don't your body will make you make time. Burnout is something that most students go through and it's important to deal with it before you get stuck in it. Over the summer my boyfriend's parents are taking us out of the state and I'm excited to get some birdwatching in. However, I can't wait till the summer to try to counteract my burnout. We have to try to find small things to do every day. I try to get in as much backyard birding as I can. Even if it's just staring out the window as I'm brushing my teeth. You have to find ways t o give yourself little breaks daily even if you can't leave the house.

Next term, I'm only taking 4 classes so I hopefully won't have so much on my plate. I want to turn in quality work and I still am but I know taking fewer classes will give me more time and energy to work on projects. I'll also only be going to classes M-Th and I'll have Fridays off. This term I'm taking a Friday class and although it's only a couple hours, I do miss having my Fridays clear for work or catching up on schoolwork. It's important to know the warning signs of burnout before you get there. As I setting into WSU and working I'm sure I'll pick up on my warning signs bor burnout and learn more coping techniques.

#Student #WSUV #Student Thoughts #Personal #Perfection #Burnout #Student Blogging

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spilled-reincarnation-dust · 2 years

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Status re: covid

okay, so, the actual covid's been gone for a while, but I'm still suffering aftereffects which is fun times dot jpeg

I've been wanting to get back to this for a while, but, well, brain fog and also stress of trying to be 'on time' has made brain go into perfectionism mode

so I'm going to try and compromise with it:

I'll try and get at least one out a week, but no specific day,

and try to be happy with writing less if needed (I feel like I tend to overwrite anyway)

and actually take the ideas my brain gives me that I can't get to line up /perfectly/. because I REALLY want to make a dad bard snorlax. fite me, you know it'd be great.

and yeah formality is over. no idea if we ever had it but it's over, heckers

hopefully I'll get something dropped within the next few days :)

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spikeinthepunch · 2 years

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i want to draw on paper more i rly do but i realize i get tired of it quick bc i only default to the basics (3/4 head lol) and its hard not to bc i like.. have an easier time doing something different digitally bc i can easily undo/start a new canvas. on paper if i start trying to do something thats not the default Easy To Draw then the attempts occur but are quickly messed up, and the fact i cant easily try again right there makes it more annoying to draw it again and again (n i sketch things out over and over a lot digitally)

i do just need to break the habits and get used to the format but rn hasnt been the easiest for that (burnout/brain fog momence). but every time i see ppl's paper drawings i just remember i like the physicality of it all, and i just miss that. id liek to do More on paper but my perfectionism to the process i know is hard to break it seems

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rewiringwithpsilocybin · 2 years

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DAY 18

Groggy again after yesterday’s indulgence. But up at a sensible hour and performed adequately.

It was also dose day. Downed at 9pm. Wondered if it would blow away some of the brain fog?

Twenty minutes later and that familiar injection of energy kicked in so I went to get some boring chores out of the way.

Aside from completing various other mundane tasks, the rest of the day was spent working on guitar. When it comes to practice, I find it difficult to acutely focus on the exercise or music in question.

Some of the time is spent playing while I’m watching TV and although I kid myself that there is benefit just from having the guitar in your hands rather than sitting in its case, real advances are gained through slow, deliberate, and targeted practice.

This requires heavy concentration, critical attention to detail and use of the dreaded metronome, a device that was clearly developed to torture musicians.

However, it’s this kind of practice and concentration that I’m hoping to improve with the help of microdosing.

It’s odd, because I’ve taught guitar before and this is the kind of advice that I gave my students. It’s not advice that I take myself very often though, or not often enough.

I’ve found that it’s quite a common human trait i.e. to dish out guidance while not following it ourselves. Why is that?

It’s as if my brain operates mostly in a laziness default mode where it's always striving to conserve energy, like a bear in hibernation.

Another common trait that you may be familiar with is to avoid investing oneself completely in whatever skill you’re aiming to improve, because if you do go the whole nine yards and fail your ego receives a sickening body blow.

This is sad.

Therefore I’m going to address this issue. Set some serious time aside to work in the fashion that I’ve described and live with the consequences.

I have a sneaking suspicion that I will improve drastically because I've been told that I’m not without talent.

Talent! That’s another intriguing area for discussion.

I once read that Ted Williams (above), one of the greatest ever baseball hitters, used to resent it when fans and experts put his extraordinary success down to his talent.

“People always told me that my natural ability and good eyesight were the reasons for my success as a hitter. They never talk about the practice, practice, practice,” he was quoted as saying.

"No one ever swung a bat more often than I did. No one practiced harder than I did."

Tales of his incessant practice and perfectionism, both during his youth and as a professional, were legendary and probably the result of an obsessive compulsive personality disorder.

Meanwhile, stories of unfulfilled talent through non application, waywardness, or self-destructive behaviour litter history.

Now you might be thinking: “This guy is 60, surely it’s too late to make any significant gains and his best days are behind him?”

I don’t care. I do my very best to keep that voice out of my head. The voice which tells you, “You’re too old to do this now.”

I’m hoping that the energy and increased connections provided by microdosing will help me concentrate and focus more and therefore start to break through physical barriers and improve.

That’s it. I’ll keep you posted.

#ted williams #microdosing #mushrooms #self help #psilocybin #self improvement #terrence mckenna #obsessive compulsive behavior

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emoali · 2 years

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I was thinking about you and your doc appointment. You said it takes 15 min and it sounds like a regular occurrence. That sounds like the blood work appointments my coworker with breast cancer has... Are u okay?

How I can work on gratitude

-youtube/podcasts/journaling

Affirmations/change verbage in thought

How I can train my mindset to ^

Any suggestions?

I really would like to work on my confidence and acceptance of myself

So I can be more comfortable in social situations.

Last week I listened to a podcast about perfectionism and I felt like I realated to it. I have intrusive thoughts when I wish I could change things and when I relive past conversation on an almost obsessive level. Like I'm almost punishing myself when I relive something I wish I could change with an intrusive thought that can and is mostly suicidal. Like kill yourself or I want to die.

I want to let things go but mostly not relive memories that trigger an intrusive thought.

Self talk is really important right? Then I really need to work on that because I am often thinking now "I am really sad" and "I am not okay" it's almost like an intrusive thought it's like an obsessive thought. I say it often and repeat it over and over again in my head when I'm not feeling the greatest. it's a bad habit iv picked up recently how can I make myself feel better? Or not say that? What can I do today and right now that will make me happy when I don't feel like doing anything?

For example I have been eating a lot of junk food. I haven't been keeping up with my routine. I was super tired yesterday and passed out in discord. I have been going through a lot of stressful things. Doctors appointments .... My car... Work...

But I need to remind myself that I am strong and that I can overcome these tough situations and They are only temporary!!! That's the key word these things are only temporary. I just want to be able to be strong the whole day. Not eating junk food every time things get rough and tough. I also want to forgive myself for that bad habit I created. I am self aware now that I can accept a few moments of weakness but I am strong and I don't need a crutch 🩼 I will be better and I will keep growing and I will reach my goals.

One example why work is stressful and I say my boss is a dick is the way he talks to people. Sometimes It's not even targeted at me but I still feel affected by it because it makes me scared that he will talk to me that way. He just yelled at my manager who's been here for 24 years and asked her "ARE YOU FREAKING BRAIN DEAD?" Because she forgot to put an address on something. She's the one that is on chemo pills and has brain fog cuz of the chemo and everything. I just need to remember that he can be that way and not take things personally if he ever comes at me like that. It's just a job and it's not the end of the world if he lets me go and if he disrespects me like that I'll just remember that he can't do anything to me I just have to try to learn from my mistakes and do me best.

Like if I get let go I'm really not missing anything by working for someone whose wife disrespects Brandi for having cancer.

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brown-little-robin · 2 years

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Gratitude list in no particular order

Sleep

My nerdy uncle I haven’t seen in three years is coming down for Thanksgiving and he’s going to spend a whole week with my family!! I’m excited to hug and talk to him in person again

People continue to astound and delight me with their enthusiasm about my fanfiction

The kittens

Clean laundry

My second oldest cousin is so funny and clever and nice and made me laugh very hard today

My employers have been SO nice about me staying home this week

Chamomile tea with honey

My mom 💙

#complaining ahead #prayers are appreciated so much #college is going Badly I'm so tired #I've been sick this week #I'm behind on projects #laundry isn't put away #partly because I was sick and had brain fog #but mostly because Depression #and Perfectionism #I just!! Can't work!!#aargh I'm trying to give myself grace #but I know I can do better than this #Ultimately it will be okay I'm just disappointed in myself #sigh #Danielle speaks

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mars-ipan · 3 years

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all of my interests are the ones where people tend to be mentally ill/nd in some way. hi i’m marley i enjoy art in practically all forms, psychology, and also i will watch 7 different people play the same video game because it makes me happy :)

#am i neurodivergent in some way? probably. i mean. i am literally STACKED with predispositions #my dad has some form of undiagnosed depression. my mom’s got gad. my brother’s autistic #genetically chances are i’ve got something #and then like. behavior/nurture wise i uh #was raised as a gifted kid- lots of pressure and stress comes with that #i grew up and still live in a neurodiverse household. the people who i learned from are not nt #uhh symptoms wise?? i’ve got a lot going on #brain fog. dissociation. i might be capable of hyperfixation i’m not sure sometimes i just start drawing and then 6 hours have passed #not gonna call anything on that one for sure though. who knows maybe it’s normal lmao #uhh also overthinking. perfectionism. a surprising amount of self-doubt. fear of vulnerability but also oversharing #extremely high sensitivity to where if i even start to think someone is mad at me my brain gets the tears flowing #*creates arbitrary social rule in brain and refuses to not follow it*#<- that one’s probably just because i am a Teenager but. eh may as well toss it in #choice paralysis. if my brain doesn’t wanna process something it just. won’t and i’ll miss out on information #general attention issues- i zone out a Lot and distract myself with my own thoughts #uhh somewhat shoddy short term memory’s one. i will think something and forget it not a second afterwards #i’m sure there’s more but i’ve shared enough #my point has been made lol #anyways. the fact that i’m not diagnosed with... something is quite incredible #although. my mom wasn’t diagnosed until like. right around when she had me and she was in her 30s then #so i may be fucked bc people think i have Woman Disease #but ah well

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albatris · 2 years

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ok i am terribly curious: what is a frankendraft. i saw that term multiple times in ur atdao tag and i am full of Wondering over what it means

oh hell yeah, the frankendraft! that's not a term I've used in a while!

anyway this is gonna be a super jumbled long ramble post, I'm so sorry, I have a lot of trouble explaining things concisely dhgdjkghd

okay, so, it was...... TECHNICALLY invented as my own personal "outlining" method for ATDAO, and you will see why that is in quotation marks as this post goes on :P

so the official name for the frankendrafting technique was "outline first draft frankendocument" but this is a mouthful so it got shortened to simply "frankendraft"!

in short, a frankendraft is basically a very very VERY bare bones shitty first draft, except I couldn't call it A First Draft at the time lest I intimidate myself out of working on it. a frankendraft is basically writing every single thing that happens in a story from start to finish in the form of like

X does this. Y says this. this happens. then this happens. which makes X feel this particular way. then this happens. which makes this happen. etc etc etc

I cannot emphasise enough that this is NOT in brief dot point summary form. this is in chapters. this is the Full Fucking Story. here is an excerpt from the frankendraft to illustrate my point:

"Noa is hesitant to leave Alice alone, and feels it would be inconsiderate. Plus, she's worried about how the rest of the DII will receive this, whether they will view her as reckless and irresponsible. She goes to her car to get a blanket for Alice, and then searches her back seat to see if she has anything in the way of spare clothes for herself. She locates one of Tris's hoodies she has been procrastinating giving back to him because it's huge and comfy, and puts it on."

the whole thing is basically just like. stage directions. me explaining the story to myself. lmao. it's literally all the same level of bland and undescriptive and bare bones from start to finish. I've won NaNoWriMos with how lengthy the frankendraft is

now, the whole thing may seem kind of dumb and you may be like "so what is the benefit of that?", but here, hear me out, I had my reasons, yeah. and it's actually a KILLER technique if you're not quite a plotter and not quite a pantser and you're also an over-anxious perfectionist stresshead with brain fog and a complicated plot you need to wrangle into cooperation

it functioned as an elaborate trap I could lure my anxious perfectionist writer brain into where I unwittingly spin together a coherent draft without realising

but mostly, like, in hindsight, I was SCARED of writing so I'd freeze up, and the frankendraft was excellent for helping with that! interestingly, the frankendraft was an approach I needed to use for ATDAO, but not one I've needed for Rental Car which means I've definitely made progress on the perfectionism and fear side of things! :D

now, here we fuckin go, The Longer Explanation Of Benefits Of Frankendrafting -

so, story time, there was like a five year period where I was getting NOWHERE with any of my work, and I was grumbling about it when I had the following realisations

pantsing wasn't working for me because I'd freeze up and find it super daunting, I struggled with just Throwing Myself Into a scene right off the bat with no guidance. even if my brain knew exactly where the scene needed to go, I hit blocks. no thoughts head empty. plus, the plot of ATDAO had so many different threads going at once that trying to keep track of everything While Writing A Genuine Engaging Story was too much for my confused little brain 2 handle lmao

and at the time, writing was an extremely anxious act for me! lots of perfectionism, lots of stress, in the midst of relearning how to Have Fun Writing again, blank pages are intimidating, blah blah, usually I'd psych myself out so bad that my brain stopped completely

so I thought to myself, "hey, if you're struggling to keep track of what you need to be doing and all the stress is too much at once, you probably need an outline!"

but traditional outlines don't work great for me either, see, 'cause I struggle to condense things and figure out what the Important Key Points are that I should be putting in my summaries and dot points. outlining that way feels restrictive, it doesn't express what I need it to, it doesn't help me at all when it comes to actually knowing what I need to do in a scene

'cause like, in my outline, the scene is just a brief description of what's happening, but there's so much OTHER stuff I need to keep track of, like. how does this scene progress, what are the feelings, what other plot elements are at play, where am I at with symbolism, characterisation, what's the dialogue like, what parts of the mystery are at play here

a lot needs to happen in a scene! and without having it ALL laid out for me I'd still hit blocks

so then I was like. "what if instead of either trying to write a full story right off the bat OR trying to fit the jumble of garbage inside my brain into a Nice Neat Outline while trying to make said outline resemble my plot in a way that actually helps me know what to write..... what if I just included literally as much detail as possible in my outline. what if I just included All Of It"

so I did!

I just started typing up descriptions of what happens in the scene line by line. here's an action! here's a symbolism! here's a dialogue! feelings! another action! telling the story without bothering to make it a Story, without descriptions and prose and whatever. just straight facts. not bothering to make it sound nice

Me Explaining The Story To Myself. me telling myself line by line what I need to do

and this worked FANTASTICALLY. I was coming up with fresh ideas, I wasn't scared, I was having important plot realisations, things were coming together and making sense in a way they hadn't for years c: I was finding ways to join scenes that were previously just floating and disconnected together into a coherent narrative, without the stress of "oh fuck I'm writing a story"

(and it WAS stress at the time, writing a story. I had a very dicey relationship with creative writing for several years)

but anyway yeah...... I could just trick myself into writing a first draft without ever acknowledging I'm writing a first draft

anyway this was also great for me because my two favourite parts of the writing process are 1. taking shitty words that already exist and transforming them and building on them to create something better, and 2. editing and revision. I realise now these are arguably the same thing at times

building and editing, these are my jams. I love taking some garbage and tweaking it and transforming it and finding better ways to describe things and swapping stuff round till it clicks

I could just go through an entire frankendraft like "I'm creating a hyperspecific outline, not a first draft" and then when I finished it I could be like "whew, a first draft, now the hard part is done and I get to do the fun stuff I love!" which is editing, revising, building, transforming this bare bones mess into something genuinely lovely

"but logan doesn't that take away from the mystery and fun of writing??? if you're so specific with your outline, isn't that boring??"

nope! it wasn't for me! I still got all the fun stuff, I just got it in a different way! I simply couldn't do the fun stuff and learning and discovery while I was ALSO trying to, like....... write a story, with style and description and finesse and drama and good words

plus, the most inspiring thing for me was not the Mystery and Adventure of writing (which, again, I still did get), it was my brain being free enough to just relax and write. which is why possessing a frankendraft that just directed me exactly EXACTLY where I needed to go was so freeing and wonderful!

anyway so that was The Frankendraft

long unnecessarily wordy explanation

it's a first draft! it's an outline! it saved my fuckin ass more times than I can count

it served its purpose and I haven't needed to use the technique recently! yeehaw

thanks for coming to my ted talk

#!! :D

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