#ohh... sorry for saying so much. but I've been thinking about this too lately.
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One of the many things I really admire about you is how you DO things. You want to make a comic, you do it. You want to make an edit, you go and do it. You wanna do gifs, you figure out how to do it. You're constantly setting a goal and seeing it through and learning and growing as you go. And I admire that so so much because that's honestly not easy (at least it isn't for me). And I just wanted to let you know that
WOW I’ve never received an ask that made me pace around the room so much!! Thank you for telling me!! Forgive me for rambling in this response but I want to talk about the creation process a little bit— at least how I personally experience it.
Every project, no matter how large or small, is largely a fight between vision and pain. If my vision beats out my pain, I finish the project; if the pain becomes too unbearable, I hit the bricks (willingly or not).
Pain can mean a lot of things. It can mean frustration and dissatisfaction with your work in progress— a lack of technical skill that you can visibly see. It can mean the fear of ruining your vision by putting it down on paper. It can be the feeling that what you’re doing doesn’t matter. And in the context of this ask especially, it can be running headlong into wall after wall while learning how to use a new software.
I suck at learning new software. The learning curve for me is often so steep it feels untenable at times. Why can’t I do the simplest things? Why can’t anyone teach it to me in a way I can understand? I don’t even know if this YouTube video will teach me what I want to learn. And you’re saying I’ve got to watch 20 minutes of it to even see if it’s what I’m looking for?
I need you to know that for everything even remotely complete, even if it’s a work in progress, is built on a mountain of failures, of incomplete works, of past trials and tribulations. What I have of the music video for the SCP antimemetics division, built painstakingly in one of the most inaccessible and unfriendly video editing softwares, AVIUtl, dragged itself out of earthen trenches so that my music video for Pathologic could crawl pathetically. And that paved the way for the bits and pieces of the Kekkaishi music video, which walked so that the things I do for BIRDMEN could run.
I don’t think it’s really as simple as saying, “You want to make a comic, you do it.”
I think if I had never done any comics before in my life, I’d be so fucking frustrated with the process. But because I’ve been drawing comics since middle school, because I drew things and gave up and drew more things and gave up more, I was able to learn the language of comics by the time I entered high school, and by the time I entered college I had fought tooth and nail to learn how to use digital art softwares (I sulked a lot about this. I hated that everything I learned about making manga traditionally became essentially obsolete. I sulked soooo much about it it was unreal. don’t be like me).
That’s why I could finally, at that point, after almost 6 or 7 years of drawing, finally finish a 16-page oneshot for the first time in my life. Because I had hundreds and hundreds of pages of shitty pencil sketches of catgirls and schoolboys and what have yous. And knowing I could do that let me push myself further. I said to myself, I bet I could draw a story longer than 16 pages. I bet I could draw a story that’s 100. And I did. I had to sacrifice vision so I wouldn’t encounter so much pain, but I did it. And that’s why I think I can draw 600 pages now. Because it doesn’t hurt so much anymore, these days.
That’s not to say that drawing comics for me is an entirely painless process. It just means that the only thing I’m fighting is my self-esteem and perfectionism for the most part. I think my technical skills won’t fail me, not for panelling, not for compositions, not for art. It’s all about convincing myself that what I’m doing is worth it. Not the easiest, but certainly much less painful than having to fight that PLUS technical woes.
I think I understand what you’re going through, just a little bit. Maybe you don’t experience things exactly as I do, but I think you’re going through a lot of pain right now. That you have a vision, but you have trouble carrying out, whether it’s because of technical issues, unfamiliarity with the medium, a fear of beginning something you won’t end up finishing, or something else entirely. I don’t have too much sage advice for what to do here, but I want to assure you that what I do isn’t nearly as effortless as you might perceive it to be.
I want to take this chance and say to you that just from looking through your archives I can see that you’ve improved so so so much over the years. You draw often, you do lots of character design work, you’ve got a lovely and distinctive style. I know you mentioned one time that you wanted to draw a webcomic— and I say do it! Just dive into it.
The reason it took me so long to get to my level of competence in comics is because I had to reverse engineer a lot of shit. I used to draw things panel by panel, until I wanted a 2-page spread and realized, “Shit! I have to plan and pace out my story so that everything before the 2-page spread comes to a neat end on the left-hand page!” I used to freehand dialogue until I grew so frustrated with the fact that conversations seemed to constantly go off the rails that I realized, “Yikes, I gotta script this out beforehand...”
And so on and so forth. And maybe you’ll feel like you’ve wasted time and love on something that isn’t good, but just DOING things will teach you so, so much. It’s okay if what you make is bad. You can always start over, do it better this time.
This offer goes out to you, but really it goes out to any of my mutuals— if you ever want to talk about making stuff, whether it’s illustrations or writing or storyboarding, I’m always down. Whether you want technical advice or simple encouragement, feel free to reach out to me. I love seeing what other people are doing, and I know it’s really frustrating and scary to feel out a path by yourself when you feel like you don’t really know what you’re doing.
Art is so scary. It’s so painful. But even so, we can’t help but want to carry through with it, right?
#just thinking thoughts...#asks#confused-beany#waugh you changed your url!!#ohh... sorry for saying so much. but I've been thinking about this too lately.#chorus is actually very very painful to me.#from a technical standpoint it's not difficult. but I find it really hard to pick my pencil up sometimes.#even though I think it's so cool and awesome.#I'm just afraid other people won't feel the same you know?#on one hand: NOBODY can do it like me (hubristic)#on the other: nobody would want to do it like me (self-deprecating)#it's a hard knock life. but I'm holding your hand#if you want to talk btw. discord is the best place. dms are open!
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Just some brainrot because we love Cove. (Also, your fics are soooo good. Thanks for sharing it with us. I mean omega! and rockstar!cove :o )
So, we have Step 3 Cove in hand some time after Patreon's nsfw moment. MC is obssessed with giving him head, of course. He's so cute when you do...what can I say ? I'm a simple human. So yes they do it often, like casually saying : "Cove, I'm hungry." while you two are casually hanging out. At first he doesn't understand but the look in your eyes convey your message to him.
Most of the time, you'll be totally satisfied with just leaving him all red, dishevelled and flustered. Just having him putty in your hand makes your day. But at some point, when you ask Cove to come to your house (without kinky ideas in mind for once) he asks you if your just horny. While it makes sense, I like imagining that MC decides to not get him off anymore. Obviously until he begs, all red and pent up, for a release.
In the meantime, MC just spent their time teasing him. Light touches, flirty remarks and maybe getting him all worked up while making out only to purposefully stop. The poor guy, will clearly snap if show up at his door, anklet on.
This was a bit long and I'm sorry if there's any mistake as english isn't my first language.
I LOVE YOU ANON IM SO GLAD YOU LIKE ROCKSTAR!COVE TOO HEHE 🙈🙈🙈(omega!cove too, im having sm thoughts abt him lately...)
also dw your english is perfect n i feel like you took an exert outta my head LMAO
tags : NSFW, hc's, gn reader, multiple choice dialogue, this just a really big ramble bc i've been a zombie thinking abt this shit n now we're here...., mmm overstim, oral (cove/reader receiving), reader's a TEASE, mind break honestly, ooc but idc 🏌️
he's confused when you first make subtle hints/advances, but i think realization hits him like a truck a millisecond later
for the longest you two wouldn't be able to keep your hands off each other
late at night sneaking into the others room so you can suck cove off, trying to keep all the slurping and gagging noises to a minimum
cove's moans are another struggle, but i say climb on top of him and let him eat you out / suck you off while you suck him off too
ohh his head would SPIN with that
he almost woke up your mom's last week because he moaned a little too loud when he finished
so now you're on top of him, your lovely ass and sex in his face
ahhh he'd be so fucking cute. teary eyed and whining into and drooling all over your cunt / cock, pulling you down onto his face so he can get more of you
also i loveee the thought of sucking him off in his car
realistically, i don't think step 3 cove could even handle the thought, he'd probably faint and hit his head n die LMAO
but arghh it'd be so hot
you went on a nice date, and now you're sitting in the parking lot of a beach far from home late at night, and tonight was so much fun.
shopping, movies, you even got some nice food from a hole in the wall restaurant
and now you're finally alone, no one around to see your boyfriend throw his head back, claw at the steering wheel and moan and babble and try not to thrust up into your mouth because he doesn't wanna hurt you
he's so whiny, and so loud
you've been sneaking around for awhile now, you can't blame him for wanting to be vocal because fuck your hot, wet mouth around his cock is so hot
and definitely doesn't help he's probably overstimulated, his cock so sensitive because you've been touching n sucking him off so much
let alone when he's rubbing one out in the shower before a date/event or in the middle of the night because he had a wet dream about you<333
mmm idk about yall, but i would break him <333
of course he doesn't interpret every touch or invite as sexual, but i also you've ruined him so you can't blame him, its your fault 🤭🤭
so now whenever you rub and squeeze his thigh, or give him a hot kiss, or say something like "cove, i wanna leave now... " or "come over, i miss you <3"
or send him a spicy text, "i had a dirty dream about you, can i come over, please?"
z
also omfg i would be so satisfied with just teasing him too…
i love it so much. it’s the best actually
mm i like having long nails, i’m always thinking about getting a new set/doing your nails all pretty and you’re showing them off to cove then you tell him “i wanna see how they look around your dick”
he’d love that omfg
imagine dragging your nails over his chest, teasing his sensitive nipples before you move down, pulling out his dick and giving languished strokes while you kiss him breathless, only moving onto leaving love bites all over his neck n chest once he’s a drooling, blushing mess <33
i think he’s gotten used to your late night/midday booty calls too
so when you invite him over, he can’t help but anticipate sex
but instead you’ve set up some snacks and a movie you’ve been waiting to come out set up on the TV and now cove looks like a fool with a half hard dick and with how fast he rushed over here
when you ask what’s wrong he’s mumbling, stuttering out how he thought you had ulterior motives for inviting him over…
so now it’s his fault because now he’s set up on your couch with him on your lap, teasing him about how he’s too horny to even imagine his s/o would want a normal date, no ulterior motives whatsoever
how he probably can’t even hold your hand without thinking about how you jerked him off in the bathroom of his workplace
and you’re so fucking right
because some days he can’t even kiss you without remembering his taste on your lips, can’t forget how your legs were trembling on either side of his head and now you’re having lunch with your families
how you’re sharing ice cream and jokes with your friends like you didn’t pull him aside before you left and got him off, begging him to cum, that you need to taste him to get by
omfg i also love the reverse/the consequence of breaking cove this way
because either way, he’s obsessed with you too
needs to taste you, have you… he’s just dying every day to have you under his hands, on his tongue..
and i can’t decide which i love more.. teasing cove bc he needs to have you, or teasing cove bc he gets so wound up from you needing him often
bc both is so delicious, and both of them scratch my brain so much
cove eagerly eating you out / sucking you off at the beach, he can’t even focus on teaching you surfing/surfing with you or building sandcastles, etc. because all he can think about is you n having his mouth on you…
you’ll show him a new outfit or sit in his lap or cuddle up next to him, etc. and now he’s thinking about ruining you in those clothes or sinking onto his knees giving you head while you lay back on the couch, still focused on your show
i love how in the ORCA dinner moment cove gets tense when you touch his thigh
i think he’d definitely be obsessed with you teasing him, working him up, dirty talking him especially
oh fuck i almost forgot. in the first patreon nsfw moment, he loves when you pull away before he finishes and you “don’t want it to end”
so technically this is canon <3333
so he’d definitely love is you pulled up to your date one day, anklet on and looking so lovely
n you’re touching his thigh, telling him how good he looks, kissing him suddenly and then pulling him into a deeper kiss when he gets it together
at some point you end up in his car, too busy swapping spit and slipping your hands where you can to get a feel of each other under those clothes, to even make it home
of course eventually you do, but even then your teasing doesn’t stop
ohhh sitting in his lap, rolling your hips into his, kissing him breathless until he’s babbling
you try to pull away, partially to tease cove but also because its late and his dad will be back any time now
but he convinces you to just get each other off, that you’ll have enough time so please?
and while you’re jerking cove off, you hear cliff’s car pull up and cove has not been quiet whatsoever, you couldn’t possibly risk it
but he’s so desperate, he’s so close to finishing, you can’t stop now!!
on the verge of tears prbly, all blushy and hot and a total mess
babbling about how he’ll be quiet so please make him cum, he’ll be good so please.
he’s such a doll, and he does keep his promise, even if it means shoving your undies in his mouth or muffling him some other way, like with your hands, lips, or sex
or you can let him bite/hide his face in the pillow, messing up his bed from all his squirming…
fuck this turned into such a big ramble tysm for sending this, im sorry i used this as a chance to unleash my apocalypse of horny brainworms LOL
#cove holden#olba#our life: beginnings & always#cove holden x reader#smut#cove holden smut#cove holden x mc#cove holden x reader smut
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shadows
chapter 4.
Pairings: Natasha X Wanda, Natasha X umbrakinetic teen fem!reader, Wanda X umbrakinetic teen fem!reader, Avengers X umbrakinetic teen fem!reader.
Warnings: swearing,
3rd person.
"hey has detka have you seen y/n it's been four hours. She's not in her room."
Natasha says to her girlfriend concerned. It's way past the time y/n should be in bed but Natasha can't find the girl to tell her that.
"I took her to the library."
Wanda responds. She seems less concerned but she hadn't seen y/n exit the library so she assumed she was still there.
"I'll go check. Thanks mylashk."
Natasha says heading for the library.
Natasha enters the library and starts to look around. Someone is definitely here as there are books missing from shelves everywhere. Whoever y/n is no where to be seen. After about thirty more minutes Natasha is about to give up. That is till she sees a mountain of books surrounding a beanbag. A bean bag that held y/n.
Y/n pov.
I don't know how long I've been in here but in all honesty I don't care either. I've been able to read so much! And no one has tried to stop me or yell at me like other bookstore customers. Then a voice breaks me from thought.
"there you are y/n I was getting worried."
It's natasha. She standing Infront of me but she doesn't look angry.
"oh.. sorry."
I am still way to quiet. I was better with Wanda. Not that I should say that. I'd offend Natasha and that would lead to.. I don't think about it.
•red head seems worried.•
•why worried? Nobody worries for us.•
•red head relieved now though.•
•did we relieve her?•
•yes.•
I drown out the shadows again. Natasha just looks at me concerned. I really need to get used to that look being aimed at me. It's.. unsettling.
"you need to go to bed now. It's late. You need sleep y'know."
Natasha says. She seems calm.
"ah.. ok. Sorry."
I say quieter. I really need to get better. Speaking to solely shadows is getting to me. Natasha nods at me.
"if it's ok but have you read all these books?"
Natasha asks. That surprised me.
"only half. The right side is ones I've read and the left I haven't."
I'm louder this time. Still quiet but louder. Good. Natasha looks at the piles. Granted the right side has more books than the left but y'know it's not that bad. Natasha then nods again.
"ah ok. Goodnight y/n."
Natasha then leaves. I get up and walk down to my room. It's quiet. Thank god. I enter my room and sit on the floor again. I'm not ready for a bed yet. Not after the years of sleeping on concrete.
It's morning. And it's bright out. I really need to darken this room.
•bright!•
•too bright.•
•tone it down!•
I try and block the shadows again but their too loud and I cant.
•make it dark again!•
•white bright too!•
Right. I need black paint. I'll find a way to get that. But I should visit the book store and see Sandra.
I walk into the main area and see Wanda and Natasha talking to a blonde woman who I assume is carol. All three turn to me.
"morning y/n."
Wanda says smiling. I'll need to get used to that. Sandra is usually the only one who smiles at me.
"morning.."
I say quietly. Damn I thought I made progress at being louder.
Wanda starts to introduce me to the blonde woman. I half don't listen. Anything I miss the shadows can tell me. Eventually Wanda stops rambling and America smiles at me. Still unsettled by the smiles.
"hey uhm.. can I go back to the bookstore. I help out there and stuff.."
I murmur nearly silent. I really really need to be louder.
•ohh visit Sandra?•
•who's Sandra?•
•friend!•
Natasha's voice breaks through the shadows muttering.
"course you can kiddo. We can walk down now if you want."
I simply nod.
The walk was quick and quiet. Thank the gods. I enter the bookstore and greet Sandra while Natasha walks away.
"hey kiddo how is living with literal superheroes?"
Sandra asks grinning while she pulls out boxes of books that need shelving.
"it's ok. Better than I expected. But I need to darken my room.. it's too bright."
I say. Here at least I speak normally.
•room is definitely too bright.•
•see Sandra again!•
•ooh yes Sandra!•
•hello Sandra!•
I let the shadows rumble their greetings as Sandra explains where the books need to go. I already know where they need to go. I've done this so many times now.
3rd person pov (with Nat and Wanda)
Natasha returned to the compound and sighed as she walk through the door to her and Wanda's level.
"well? How was the walk?"
Wanda asks from the kitchen. Natasha comes up behind her hugging her.
"quiet. She really doesn't like to talk."
Natasha responded.
"what are you cooking? It smells heavenly detka?"
"it my paprikash Nat you should know this by now."
Wanda responds giggling. Natasha smiles.
"ahh silly me."
°three hours later°
Natasha and Wanda have been watching sitcoms for the past hour now but Natasha is starting to worry about y/n.
"detka is y/n coming back alone or am I going to pick her up?"
Natasha asks the red head snuggled beside her.
"I dunno. If your worried we can walk down to find her."
Wanda sits up and turns off the tv.
"and now that you mention it I am starting to worry."
Y/n pov.
I finished shelving ages ago and now I'm reading. After about a million questions from Sandra and the shadows screaming in my ear holes I finally have some peace. And a bonus is the Sandra supplied me with black paint. So there's the brightness issue half fixed. Next is to get light blocking blinds. If I can gather the courage to ask for them that is. But that's an issue for future me to deal with.
"hey kiddo. You will still visit me despite the fact you live with heroes now right?"
Sandra's question confuses me. Why would I stop coming here?
"of course I'll keep coming. Why would I stop?"
Sandra seems a little guilty looking now.
"well you live with heroes. You hardly need a bookstore owner backing you up now. I'm half surprised you came in today."
The older woman explains. I frown.
"I live with heroes but honestly they scare the hell out of me. Besides. Your my friend. I trust you."
I easily explain. At least with Sandra I can speak normally. Then two red heads walk in. Two easily recognisable red heads. Why in Satan's name is Wanda and Natasha here?
•why they here?•
•shhh that's rude!•
•rude but good question.•
"shut up...."
I mumble to the shadows who finally listen to me and quiet. Wanda sees me and smiles. God I need to get used to that. Or she could stop doing it. Though I doubt she will.
"hey y/n. We were just wondering when you were going to be back?"
Wanda asks me. Natasha is talking to Sandra. Wanda then consequently notices the black paint.
"what's with the paint?"
The Slovakian asks.
"oh uhh.. my room is a bit bright and um.. I decided to darken it by painting it black... if that's not ok I won't and I'll just give this back to sandra..."
I murmur. God I'm still too quiet. I'll work on it.
"oh sorry. I never stopped to think if the rooms as bright. I can help paint if you want. It'll be fun!"
Wanda responds.
"and if it's still too bright we can get light cancelling blinds so then you won't need to deal with sunlight too much. You didn't seem the type for bright spaces anyway."
I sit there surprised by Wanda's response. I was expecting a scolding but this is better.. I think. Then Natasha comes over.
"alright you two let's go. Before it's dark out."
The Russian grabs Wanda's hand gently and waits for me to get my stuff before we leave.
"bye Sandra! I'll come back and I won't forget you! Promise!"
I call out to sandra.
"I'll hold you to that kiddo!"
She responds. I then follow Natasha and Wanda out and back to the compound.
Me and Wanda have just finished painting my room black while Natasha put up the sun block blinds.
"there we go. Now your room isn't so bright."
Wanda says proudly looking over our paint job.
•ooh finally not bright.•
•better much much better•
•no sun! Black everywhere!•
•we in heaven?•
I struggle to drown the shadows out. The joy I feel combined with them is too much. Oh well their rambles can go on I suppose. Natasha moves next to us and kisses wanda. I cringe internally. Is this how couples are meant to act?
"brilliant job detka. The paint looks brilliant."
Nat says and Wanda smiles.
"I'm glad the curtains didn't fall on you."
Wanda responds. Is that how your supposed to respond to that? Natasha doesn't seem unhappy...
"yes well how about we go shopping tomato fill the room up."
Natasha proposes. I perk up. Does that mean book shopping? Or drawing shopping? Will I get a new sketchpad?
"that's sounds like a brilliant idea. Y/n how do you feel?"
Wanda turns to me.
"oh.. uh yeah sounds good."
Still to goddamn quiet.
A/n: I honestly thought I posted this ages ago. Then I go to Wright chapter five and what's in my drafts? This. Oops. Sorry for those who actually like this series for the late post.
#natasha romanoff#natasha romanoff x reader#natasha x you#black widow#natasha x y/n#natasha romanoff x fem!reader#black widow x reader#wanda maximoff#wandanat x daughter!reader#wanda maximoff x fem!reader#wandanat x reader#natasha x daughter!reader#natasha x wanda#natasha x teen reader#wanda x reader#Wanda X teen reader#avengers x reader#avengers x teen!reader#Wanda X daughter!reader
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Also, idk if you guys know this but i'm in a sorority and i just cropped one of my letter shirts into a crop top that doesn't even cover my big titties and a really short skirt and i wanted to write a fake lil story of how i wish life was with it :)
all characters are at least 18
and yes i know not to smoke pregnant
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Meygan looked in the mirror as she was getting ready to go out. She had one of her tshirts from her sorority Zeta Tau Alpha on it was just above her tits. She put on a micro skirt that barely cover her round ass, white 6 inch heels, and her blue heart sunglasses. Her makeup was done to perfection. Her pregnant belly was perfection too.
She walked downstairs to say bye to her parents and of course get grilled by their questions.
"Where are you going?" asked Meygan's mom brittany, Her own massive titties barely hidden by her bright pink apron and her round ass hiding a bright pink g string.
"I'm going to a party mommy." Sighed Meygan. Her mom was such a stupid bimbo slut sometimes. Meygan giggled, guess the apple didn't fall so far from tree...
"Not dressed like that you're not." Chimed in Meygan's dad Micheal. "You know the rules, all 5 tattoos showing." Meygan had a tattoo on each of her upper thighs, two on each side of her ribs, and one at the top of her enormous boobs.
"Daaadddyy the are showing" Meygan whined pushing out her titties.
"Fine but you know if anybody asks you have to take off your clothes if they think you're not showing enough skin. We got you those tattoos so you'd always know where to show because you were too stupid to remember."
"Thank you daddy" Meygan said as she turned back to her bimbo mom, who was stroking her own massive bump.
"You don't even look high honey." Her mom complained as she took another edible. "You know that they did that study that showed how much weed helps pregnant women and girls. You know you have to or you can get in trouble."
"I am high mommy! I have been all day." Meygan started to whine, but then realized what she could do instead. "But you're right mommy, I should take more" she said popping an edible as well. "Maybe 2 just in case." The stupid bimbo girl said taking several more.
"That's a good girl." Meygan's dad nodded. "When are you leaving to your little fuckfest angel?"
"As soon as one of the boys come pick me up. Hopefully there's at least 2 or 3 so I can stay entertained in the car."
"I'm sure plenty of boys can't wait to breed you baby. Have fun and and remember - no protection."
"Yes daddy, no protection, it's all i've been told for years." Meygan kissed her parents, giggling her mom and her matching bellies brushing against each other, then started to walk out to the car of 5 men in the driveway. "Bye Mommy! Bye Daddy!
She gets in the car and is greeted by the boys immediately groping her and playing with her bump.
"Hi boyyysss! I missed you and all your big cocks!!" Meygan was absolutely elated to see some extra big cocks in front of her"
"Hi princess" Said one of the boys. "About time we get an update on that pretty belly of yours."
"Oh stupid me" giggled meygan. "Right now i'm 8 months with 7, but doctors are pretty sure i'll be a little late and get quite a bit bigger.."
"Aww, I'm sorry to hear about the small numbers babygirl. I was hoping to have at least a football team in your womb by now, especially with all the fertility drugs we've been putting in your drinks." A bunch of the boys laughed.
"You have??? Ohh thank you thank you thank youuu!" Meygan couldn't believe it! She can't wait to see who's gonna knock her up soo much bigger soon.
#impregnation kink#patriarchy kink#pregnancy#pregnant#pregblr#pregnant captions#pregnancy fantasy#pregnant kink#huge pregnant belly#fpreg#hyperpregnancy
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Is the recks au dead?
recks au is that one corpse i keep in my basement that me and friends reanimate every month or so in secret. every time someone asks where recks au is i say "ohh they're okay they've just been really sick lately, but the doctors say they're gonna be fine soon... no, you can't see them it's very contagious, im sorry". obviously there's no doctors. it's been two years. the recks au i know is very different from what people remember it to be, no one actually knows who it is now, everyone misses the person that doesn't exist anymore...
jokes aside!
it's insane to me that people still remember recks au, and that new people keep finding it somehow even if no one mentions it anymore. it's not even the masterpost in the pinned, no one looks at that thing. like, you guys have no idea how much there actually is to recks au, you've only seen a very small portion of it. and yet you keep asking and you keep returning. that's crazy
i wouldn't say recks au is dead, i still think about it often and i still want to do stuff for it. but, just like with everything else, i want to but i don't do it. i dont know why really. i want recks au to be so much more, i want it be great i want it to be interesting i want everything i do for it to be top quality, and maybe because of that I've put too much pressure on myself for no real reason. not sure. it'd be better if i just kept doing little bits at a time and post about it every so often instead of just abandoning it.
the main bottleneck is "scar's story", a small comic series that was supposed to introduce scar into the au and tell about his past and introduce big worldbuilding elements, etc. i got all the way to the last "chapter", planned it all out and then never finished it.
and instead of moving on and finishing it some other day, and maybe focusing on other characters in the meantime, i decided that actually! no! im gonna stop posting about recks au entirely until i finish that comic! smart. once again, lots of unneeded pressure. why? I DON'T KNOW 😭
should i just forget about that comic and start posting now? better late than never? yes, probably. am i going to do that? mngnmhmmhgmhhmg.....
(recks au is centered around s8 of hermitcraft, and it's season 10 now!!!!! that's insane that it's been so long. should i really post about it now? is it too late? should i really do something for s8 when there's new stuff and new concepts to be made? am i playing into the consumption movement thinking that everything i do should be new and relevant and if i post about old stuff im outdated and missing the opportunity? why do i even care about all that????? 😭😭😭😭)
people have been mentioning recks scar a lot recently, mostly because of the charity stream bc he was a little robot on wheels (just like in recks au wow crazy!!!!!!!!!!!), and i do have a drawing of him done that i could post.................... and there's nothing stopping me except myself............................................ auggghh
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(last reblog made me realize something but i didn't want to add it to the post or in the tags because it's spoilery if you've only seen up to s8)
there are a lot of reasons why cas' confession is so unsatisfying to me but one of the reasons i haven't been able to articulate until now is that it kind of.... undoes everything that preceded it? cas gives voice to the thing we've all been watching play out for twelve years and that should feel like a win, it should feel like relief, because happiness isn't in the having, it's in the just being, it's in the just saying, right? but, in saying it, cas removed the being part of it from everything that happened prior. cas' speech made it feel like we haven't been watching two people who are in queer love and who are very much in a queer relationship.
instead, we've been watching a guy secretly pining for another guy who may or may not have secretly loved him back. and that... is not true to the story i've been watching unfold? that only works if i accept the premise that the writers and the actors and the directors and the crew and the editors weren't actually telling a queer love story to the best of their ability the whole time. and i don't accept that! they were telling the story!! it was on purpose!!!
like, the reason dean's confession-prayer in purgatory is satisfying is because it doesn't undo anything that came before it.
Cas? Cas, I hope you can hear me… that wherever you are, it's not too late. I should've stopped you. You're my best friend, but I just let you go. 'Cause it was easier than admitting I was wrong. I-- Ohh. I don't know why I get so angry. I just know -- I know that it's -- i-it's just always been there. And when things go bad, it just -- it comes out. And I can't -- I can't stop it. No matter how -- how bad I want to, I just can't stop it. And -- and I-I forgive you. Of course I forgive you. I'm sorry it took me so long -- I'm sorry it took me till now to say it. Cas, I'm -- I'm so sorry. Man, I hope you can hear me. I hope you can hear me. Okay.
this is dean reiterating everything we as an audience already know because we've already seen it (dean wants cas there and he regrets letting him go and there is nothing cas could do that would make dean actually give up on him). if you replace "best friend" with literally anything else that effectively means "romantic partner" this still works. it doesn't change it at all. this is dean and cas. this is destiel. this is the story i've been watching since lazarus rising. maybe even the pilot.
contrast that with 15x18, however:
I always wondered, ever since I took that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be? What my true happiness could even look like. I never found an answer because the one thing I want... It's something I know I can't have. But I think I know... I think I know now. Happiness isn't in the having, it's in just being. It's in just saying it . . . I know. I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You're destructive, and you're angry, and you're broken. You're "daddy's blunt instrument." And you think that hate and anger, that's... That's what drives you, that's who you are. It's not. And everyone who knows you see it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love. You raised your little brother for love. You fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are. You're the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know. You know, ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of Hell... Knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack... I cared about the whole world because of you. You changed me, Dean . . . I love you.
this is a different story. it changes everything. and, like, i think that was supposed to be the point, but unfortunately for me it is one of the reasons it doesn't work. why doesn't cas think he can have dean? is it simply because he thinks dean doesn't want him back?? is it because he thinks dean is straight?? like, the fact that i don't instinctively know the answer to that is a problem, and the reason i don't know the answer is because it doesn't jive with the show i've been watching for fifteen seasons. castiel's confession is the conclusion to a different show's run, one where they were actually queerbaiting the whole time and decided to throw the fans a bone at the very end.
but they weren't queerbaiting. they were writing textually queer characters with textually queer relationships.
and so a speech where cas is confessing to being in love with dean even though he thinks dean's straight doesn't really work at any point in the show's timeline for me.
and a speech where cas is confessing to being in love with dean even though he doesn't think dean loves him back in that way doesn't really work at any point past s12 for me, and even within s12 to be honest.
like, the narrative actively starts to fall apart in 13x01 if you don't take dean and cas being in love/in a relationship as a given, but even episodes like 12x10 and 12x19 imply something was already happening with them.
so. yeah.
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nostalgia - part 3
Kane(Annihilation) x afab!reader
summary: Kane begins to remember something. (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind Fusion + soulmates)
word count: 900
warnings: The end! (I initially wanted to do more with this story but my adhd says no :( so this is it)
you can also read it on ao3
part2 - masterlist
“It's really solid this time of year.”
This could be dangerous. “Oh, I don't know.”
“Come on.”
She is very persistent.
“Oh. So beautiful.”
“Isn't it?”
She starts to run towards to the center of the frozen river.
What is she doing? “Uh, don't go too far.”
“Whoo! Oww! Ow!”
Aaand she fell. “Are you okay?”
“Ouch! Ohh! Oh, my ass!”
“I think I should go back.”
“Oh come on. Come on! Come here.”
He walks towards her reluctantly.
“What if it breaks?”
“What if? Do you really care right now?”
No. No, he doesn’t.
“Here, let me show you this one thing.”
She lies down.
“What are you doing?”
“Come on.”
He sits on the ice.
“Think I heard a crack.”
“It's not gonna crack or break or...It's so thick.” She says as she pulls him down to lie down too.
“So, show me which constellations you know.”
Does he know any? Did he use to?
“Um... Oh.I don't... know any.”
“Show me which ones you know.”
“Okay.” He hesitates for a second “Oh. Here's Osidius.”
“Where?”
“Right there. See? Sort of a swoop and a cross. Osidius the Emphatic.” He just really made that up.
“You're full of shit.” She giggles. It’s a really nice sound.
“Nope. Osidius is right there. Swoop and cross.” He insists for… fun?
“Shut the fuck up!” She cracks up.
***
“Hey…” He gently wakes her up.
“Hey.”
“Sorry to wake you, but we're... here.”
“Ahh. Can I come over to your house...to sleep? I'm so tired.”
He freezes for a second. Is Lena at home? No, she’s at work. Does he care what would Lena think of this? The answer doesn’t bother him as much as it should for some reason…
“Okay. Um, yeah. Sure.”
“Let me get my toothbrush.” She jumps out of the car.
He waits.
A knock on the car’s window makes him jump.
“Yes?
“Can I help you?” The man says.
What? “What do you mean?”
“Can I help you with something?”
“No.”
“What are you doing here?”
What is he on about? “I'm not really sure what you're asking me.”
“Oh.” The man deflates “Thanks.” The man walks away.
That was weird, he thinks.
“Vámonos, señor.” She announces her presences suddenly.
She’s really lively. It makes him warm inside somewhere deep.
“I-I had a really nice time last night.” He says hesitantly.
“Nice?”
Oh, that word again!
“Okay, I had the best fucking night of my entire fucking life.” Not knowing if it’s true… but he believes it.
She grins “That's better.”
She look at some documents on her lap.
“This is weird. To all patients of Dr. Howard Mierzwiak. My name is Mary Svevo. "We've met, but you don't remember me. I worked for a company you hired to have part of your memory erased. I have since decided that this is a horrible... In order to correct this, I'm sending everyone's files back to them.”
She puts the tape that came with the file.
Her voice rings through the speakers.
“I'm here to erase Kane”.
What? ”What is this?”
“I don't know.” She’s unsure of herself for the first time he notes.
“He's boring. Is that enough reason to erase someone? I've been thinking lately how I was before and how I am now, and it's like he changed me. I feel like I'm always pissy now. I don't like myself when I'm with him. I don't like myself anymore. I can't stand to even look at him. That pathetic, wimpy, apologetic smile. That sort of wounded puppy shit he does, you know? “
“What is this? What are you doing?”
“I… I'm not doing anything!”
“Are you screwing with me?”
“No!”
“You are screwing with me.”
“Kane, I'm not!”
“You clearly are.”
“Look, let's just take a minute and...”
“Get out.”
“Kan-“
“Out!”
She gets of the car.
Is this anger he feels?
***
“Hi. The door was open…“
She’s here. At his house. How…ah.
“Look what I found.” He points to the tape player that is currently playing his interview with the doctor. “I'm sorry I yelled at you.”
“It's okay.”
They look each other for a while.
“Kane, I really like you. I hate that I said mean things about you.”
“Let me turn this off, okay?”
“Hey, it's... it's only fair.”
“You want a drink or something?”
“Do you have any whiskey?”
The things he says in that record are… cruel.
“Hey. Sorry. I thought there was more.”
They both try to ignore the words but…
“I'm so sorry. I'm sorry about all this.”
“I think i'm gonna... go. I'm a little confused. I don't really think I can be here.” She says.
He can’t argue.
“Um... bye.”
“Bye.“
She walks out the door.
A moment later he decides to follow her.
“Wait.”
“What?”
“I don't know. Just wait. Just… wait.”
“What do you want, Kane?”
“I don't know. I want you to wait for... just a while.”
“Okay.”
“Really?”
“Look, I'm not a concept, Kane. I'm just a fucked-up girl who's looking for my own peace of mind. I'm not perfect. “
“…I can't see anything that I don't like about you.”
“But you will. You will. You know, you will think of things, and I'll get bored with you and feel trapped...because that's what happens with me.”
“Okay.” He wants this.
“Okay?”
“Okay.” He smiles.
“Okay.” She smiles too.
#onevolon fic#kane annihilation#annihilation kane#kane x reader#kane#oscar isaac characters#oscar isaac fic#oscar isaac fanfiction#oscar isaac hernandez estrada#oscar isaac
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ARB Birthday Special: Evelyn Rose
~~ December 20th ~~
"If my mind can conceive it, and my heart can believe it, then I know I can achieve it."
Login Lines:
"I wonder why my producer, like, cancelled practice for today. He told me to just go out and relax today. He said it was an early 'gift' for me, but I don't, like, understand what he meant. Was he referring to Christmas or something? Not that I, like, mind or anything. That just means, like, more time for me to do some, like, shopping! ...Hmm? A text from my mom? Probably, like, checking up on me again. 'Happy Birthday, sweetie!.' ...Wait? It's my... birthday?"
"...Holy crap... it's, like, my birthday! How could I, like, forget? And why didn't anybody, like, tell me? I guess that explains why my producer canceled practice. But seriously, why didn't anybody, like, tell me sooner! I've got, like, tons of stuff to get done and now I'm, like, totally late doing it!"
Voice Lines:
"Wow, hard to believe this is, like, my first birthday since I've been here to Japan. I won't lie with the way Acey talked about it, I was sure this place wasn't, like, going to be anything nice. ...But I've actually grown to love this place! The people here are, like, so unique and, like, cultured and stuff! There's, like, so much stuff here you'd probably never see anywhere else, even in New York or L.A.! I still miss home from time to time, but Japan is still a nice place. ...Yeah, I, like, really love this country!"
"A lot of my fans wished me a 'happy birthday' or sent me a lot of gifts. It was, like, really cool of them! It's always nice having people to, like, support and encourage you! I think without them and my friends, I would have, like, never been as famous as I am now. I still often, like, think negatively about myself. Like, I wonder if I'm really doing my best and being all I can be. ...But, I know I'll, like, reach my full potential someday. I, like, owe it to myself and everyone who helped to, like, get me this far!"
"Thank you so much, Acey! And it's no problem! As long as I, like, get to celebrate it, then I'm, like, happy! ...Oh Acey... That means a lot to me! Thank you so much! I really love you! ...Haha! No need to be embarrassed, Acey! We kiss in public, like, a lot! ...What's this? A necklace? It's beautiful! A message? ...Oh! Acey, you... I really love you! Haha, you really need to be, like, more confident, Acey!"
"Thanks so much, Rashaad! I'm glad Acey and I, like, got to know you as well. I'll admit, I was, like, really bummed out when I found out her hotel was, like, being renovated or something. I wasn't sure about rooming in a bar, but I'll say it now: Eagle's Nest, like, beats any hotel, any day! ...Aww, thanks Rashaad! That really means a lot!"
"Ohh, what's this? ...A phone charger? But it charges more than my phone? Ohh! I've seen these before! But I, like, never thought of getting one! Thanks so much, Rashaad! This is definitely going to help! You are awesome, with, like, a capital 'A'!"
Ace Lines:
"Happy birthday, Eevee! Sorry you have to celebrate your birthday here in a foreign land instead of in America, but I'm glad to be able to celebrate another one with you! I... I know I don't say it often enough, but... I'm truly glad and grateful to have you as my girlfriend. I know I'm probably not the easiest guy to be around at times, but despite that I'm glad you're still here. So... thank you. ...Gah! Okay, okay, I-I love you too, Eevee, really!"
"A-anyway, here's your birthday gift. I know it's probably tasteless, but I hope you like it. It's a charm necklace with a message inside. I had it custom-made and ordered. ...You like it? I'm glad. I hope the message proves to be true. But... well, that's just part of the suspense of a relationship, right? ...Eevee? Gah! Wait, Eevee! It's appreciated, but not in public, please!"
Rashaad Lines:
"A most joyous and happy birthday to you, Miss Rose. I'm truly happy to be able to celebrate your birthday with you. I know it's been well over a year since you and Master Ace first came to Japan. I know you both probably didn't plan on staying here this long, but personally, I'm glad you both made the decision to come here. If not, I never would have gotten the chance to know either of you. I'm truly glad to have the friendship of both of you."
"Haha. Thank you, Miss Rose. Now then, for your gift. You mentioned the other day that your phone charger was acting up. I was planning on buying you a new one, but that would have just been boring. So, I purchased this, instead. It's a 3-in-1 charger, so you can charge more than just your phone. I hope it serves you well. ...Thank you, Miss Rose. I'm glad you like it. And again, a most joyous birthday to you."
#hypmic oc#hypnosis mic oc#hypmic#hypnosis mic#hypnosis microphone#evelyn rose#ace douglas#rashaad young#okinawa division#liberty guild#alternative rap battle#hypmic arb#happy birthday evelyn 2023#happy birthday
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Short sweet little scene between Caleb and Evelyn I've been bouncing around my head for a while. idk here have it.
Caleb's eyes shot open at the last moment and he stumbled backward. His cheeks burned. They had been so close. Only the tiniest bit closer and they would have...
Evelyn reaches out. "Oh! I'm so sorry. I thought you wanted- it's okay if you don't."
"I did. I did want to kiss you. Very much so." Caleb avoids her eyes, wringing his hands.
"Then what's wrong?"
The heat in his face spread to his ears. "I can't... I can't kiss a woman I'm not married to. It's not right."
Evelyn tilts her head both in curiosity and amusement, snorting out a laugh. "Says who?"
Caleb sighs. "You know..." He looks up toward the stars. They were different here, though. He had learned a few constellations by now.
"Ohh. Right, your thing... Really? Wow, what isn't he against?"
He's quiet for a moment. "What about the Titan?"
"...What about the Titan?"
"What does it think about what you do?"
Evelyn only looks more confused. "It doesn't think anything, Caleb. It's dead. If there's anything left going on in that skull it sure hasn't let anyone know about it." She smiles. "I'd imagine a voice coming out of something that big would be pret-ty loud, eh?"
"But you said it created all of this."
"Well, indirectly. It's the reason we're alive and the source of our magic, but nobody gets to choose what grows up out of their corpse. It just happens."
Caleb stirs his thoughts. "Hm. I suppose you're right."
"I hope that wasn't your way of asking me to marry you, by the way. Not that I'm opposed, just that you could do it with a little more flair."
"What?! No, I-" Caleb sputters. "Although I'm not opposed eith- either- but-" Oh he is only digging himself into this hole deeper. Compose yourself, man!
He takes a deep breath. "I can't stay here, Ev. It's amazing and I'm glad I got to see it, but... I don't belong here. You know that."
She looks up. "Because of him?"
"No. Not just that. I can't leave Philip. I'm all he has."
"Then bring him here, too! You said it yourself, he's just as miserable there."
"No, no. He- he wouldn't understand. He's been suspicious lately, with my visits getting longer. He's going to figure it out- maybe he already has- and he'll tell the townsfolk and-" Caleb's breath catches in his throat and he leans back against the tree, head in his hands. "Ohhh. What have I gotten into..."
Evelyn runs her fingers through his hair and speaks softly. "Hey. Let's not make tonight about decisions. Just... Take a step back. Enjoy this time we have right now. I love you. If you leave tomorrow and never come back... I'll miss you, sure. But I'll live. You don't make a choice for anyone but your sake. Alright?"
He pulls his hands away from his face, looking up at her. Nobody had ever cared what he wanted. In this one life he's got, he had lived only according to what others expected. What did he want?
He shakily finds her hand with his, lacing them together easily. Perfectly. His other hand reaches up to trace her cheek, heart galloping. He wanted to kiss her.
So he did.
#I feel embarrassed posting this I usually don't write such mushy stuff zdjngjnks#the owl house#toh fic#caleb wittebane#evelyn clawthorne#I know it's not Confirmed she's a clawthorne but. cmon
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I feel same way about ons as you :') I got into it because of gureshin it's been long since I already lost interest alas. I was wondering what do you think of characters like guren shinoa mika & krul? I really liked them back then but now I'm really disappointed with how author wrote them since past few years & weirdly fandom still tries to act as if nothing wrong with them but "people didn't read correctly"
hello!! :D
i'm sorry that so many others seem to be suffering the same way i am, but it's also a little reassuring. at least we're not alone in our misery.
and i think answering your question will be quite fun!
well guren, obviously i love guren. he's so sad and pathetic and tired and broken he's like a wet cat. the way he loves, the way he does terrible things and hates himself for it but does it anyway because he knows he has no other choice, it's so intriguing and painful. i love it. there's aspects that bother me when reading the novels, like when i cannot for the life of me grasp why he is doing what he's doing, or when he's being an arrogant asshole. but then i read the paragraphs my friends have written about him and love him with my whole heart again. i think they called it blorbo-in-law, that fits it quite well.
but i feel like i need to mention, i totally get why people got so mad with him recently. the way it was handled with the kids just immediately forgiving him again after one word was just... not good. i wasn't kidding when i said i wanted him to be more evil. it was a lot more exciting when him and mahiru first started that "let's betray everyone" stizzle and we weren't sure if he was actually going to harm anyone. it was serious, oh the suspense! now he's just our friend guren again. let him go batshit insane. please. he's not a saint, and he doesn't need to be.
at this point the only one i can trust to truly judge and be mad at him for more than half a panel is shinya. and that's a little odd. also he's currently in eeby deeby.
ohh shinoa! i used to like her a lot. it's only natural, i guess, since she is so similar to shinya. i always thought her to be a less extreme version of him - shinoa was also trained to be numb and hide herself behind jokes and smiles, but she seems to retain more of her emotions than he does. she's scared of dying, she's not much of a killing machine, and she is very much capable of developing actual romantic feelings for someone. wow, shinoa!
now, the problem is the toxic view of love that mahiru drilled into her head, and how the story will adress that, if at all. i don't mind her crush on yuu, it's her proof of not being dead inside or worthless or meant to be alone. but the way she acts on it is quite selfish. she's taking after her sister a little too much for my liking lately. "i will get yuu back, even if i have to kill mikaela to do it", alright miss mini mahiru. chill.
i would very much like someone to drill some sense into her head.
as for mika, he was my favourite for quite some time. i'm afraid i can't speak on him anymore, though, since he's kinda wiggled himself out of my field of interest. younger me would be going insane over his angel self... but now, i actually don't have anything to say about him. he exists. he's a massive scapegoat. i wish we could have seen him bond with shinoa squad.
krul is great solely because she's somehow the only female character who doesn't have a crush on some guy. hooray for vampirism! i don't have that many thoughts on her either, but i do adore her. she treated mika fairly well, she acted against vampire laws, she was more trustworthy than others. and god, that chapter where she was turned into a vampire was so awful, i loved it. more of an ashera-perspective probably, but still! as i've mentioned, i'm not a fan of her and all the black demons having been angels before, so i can't bring myself to look forward to their reunion as much as i used to. but i'd still like to see it.
#luna posting things too early part 73 probably#this was fun to think about! even though i couldn't really come up with much for mika and krul#i hope it's not too little TwT#owari no seraph#seraph of the end#guren ichinose#shinoa hiiragi#krul tepes#hehe i love asks. thank you everyone you are contributing enrichment to my enclosure
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please be... alive
[ ᴘᴀʀᴛ ᴏɴᴇ ← ] [ ᴘᴀʀᴛ ᴛᴡᴏ ← ] { ᴘᴀʀᴛ ᴛʜʀᴇᴇ }
ᴀɴɴɪᴇ ʟᴇᴏɴʜᴀʀᴅᴛ x ғᴇᴍ!ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ / ᴄᴀɴᴏɴ ᴄᴏᴍᴘʟɪᴀɴᴛ
ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢѕ: graphic depictions of (canon-typical) violence, blood/gore and dead bodies, betrayal, angst/hurt, religious trauma, and references to child abuse
Summary: You finally learn the truth about who Annie really is, but find that you're still in denial until it's too late. The past catches up with you in an unexpected way.
(also known as Reader and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day)
cottagecanon | ao3 | wattpad | art | ♫
Word Count: 17.4k
Author’s Note: sorry just sorry, all around. this chapter took me forever to write. life stuff and also because for some reason with this one i've been overwhelmed by the fear of Being Cringe?? i don't really care about that so i'm not really sure why
thank you so very much to the lovely @eiimikos for agreeing to beta read this for me! i appreciate you & your time more than i can properly express considering ... the content. QUEEN SHIT ONLY!
“State your name for the record, please,” says the military officer, their pen scratching against the top sheet of a hefty stack of files.
“Cadet Lastname…” you reply nervously, “Y/N.”
Another scratch of the pen, and the officer adjusts their glasses. You haven’t been in the Survey Corps long enough to learn everyone’s names, but you recognized this one – they’re a Section Leader.
One of the nice ones, if you remembered correctly. Though now that you’re up close, they’re a lot more intimidating than you had anticipated, even if they are a little… kooky?
“Alright cadet, let’s go ahead and get started. I assume that you know why you’re here.”
You twiddle your thumbs underneath the table. “I know that everyone in my training class is being interviewed. It has to do with the failed expedition, right?”
“Yes. As you know, we’re looking for what might be behind the attacks on the Scouting Legion. We suspect it to be an Intelligent Titan hiding within our midst.”
“And you think I know something about that?” you ask. Suddenly, you’re scared. Alarm bells start going off in the back of your head and there’s a pit gnawing in your stomach.
“We have reason to believe you’re well-acquainted with our primary suspect,” Hanji continues as your stomach drops, “Tell me everything that you know about Annie Leonhardt.”
It’s like your entire world slows down. Your gut twists as nausea bubbles up your throat. Trying to remain calm seems impossible, and you’re sure that your physical reaction gives you away. Sweat drips down your brow as your heart races, your pupils dilating.
Eventually, all that comes out is a tiny squeak. “Annie?”
The officer nods. Surprisingly, they don’t seem to pick up on your nervousness and instead they begin to elaborate. “Yes. Annie Leonhardt, stationed with the Military Police, graduated from the same Training Corps as you did. She was fourth in your graduating class,” they elaborate.
Your face burns. “Yeah. I – I know who she is.”
“Can you explain the nature of your relationship?” they ask, and to your horror, they start writing again.
Panic starts to set in. “Um, friends?” you say, and you break out into a cold sweat, “We’re uh… close? Um… we’re friends, I think. Uh, close friends.”
They look up at you, somewhat in amusement. It’s humiliating. You want to disappear into the floor. At least it gets them to stop writing, even if they are giving you a knowing smirk.
“You’re… close friends?” Hanji repeats.
Your face goes a bright red. You want to find a better way to define it; to explain that you did spend a lot of time together without making yourself seem like you’re some kind of teenage harlot or a stupid lust-addled kid who’s in over her head.
“Yuh-huh,” is what comes out instead.
Shifting nervously in your seat is an obvious tell, but it’s so oppressively uncomfortable that you physically can’t sit still. You scratch your cheek and push your hair back behind an ear.
“Ohh-kay, moving on then…” “During the Scouting Expedition, did you have any close contact with the Female-form Titan?”
“No, not really. I saw it, but only from a distance.”
“Her,” Hanji corrects, “not it.”
Your blood grows cold. She couldn’t be suggesting what was growing increasingly obvious with every moment. It feels like you can’t breathe – do you even want to?
“You… you think that Annie–?”
“One of your comrades has said the Titan physically resembles Leonhardt. Can you speak to this, as her… uhm, close friend?”
Something clicks into place that makes you go entirely rigid. It… did. Even beyond the outward monstrous traits and visible muscle, your brain suddenly makes sense of certain details that just didn’t fit. Why HAD the Female Titan looked so familiar? Why did you feel like you recognized the way it held itself up, or the way it moved while it ran?
No, this was Annie you’re talking about. You knew her. You LOVED her. If she was caught up in this somehow, it had to be a mistake. You wish that you could talk to her… It would make you feel a lot less conflicted if you could get her side of the story here. You’re hesitant to say anything that might get her in more trouble than she was already in.
Finally, you answer. “Well, Annie has blonde hair, too?” you squeak. It’s weak, and both of you know it.
In return, you get a dead-eyed glare. “I see… That’s really all you have to say about that?”
You want so badly to be able to trust Annie. If you could find her and ask her to explain all this evidence, to explain her weird and sketchy behavior, maybe it would make some sense. Maybe you could help her, or at the very least figure out what to tell the military for them to take her into captivity peacefully…
You feel yourself starting to shake. “Just that — it’s not her,” you mutter, “it can’t be her. She wouldn’t do this.”
Hanji looks up at you, glasses glinting in the firelight. They give you an odd look, one of pity.
“All the evidence is pointing in another direction,” they explain. Although their intention is to convey seriousness, the harshness in their voice makes you shrink away. “Either you didn’t know her as well as you think you do, or you’re hiding something too. I want to let you know that if you’re in league with those who wish to bring harm to–”
“–No!” you interrupt, “I would never do that. Never!” Immediately you cover your mouth, but Hanji still gives you a stern look.
“I’m sorry…” you say, and curse yourself for how much it sounds like an afterthought.
They don't acknowledge it anyway. Another few moments are filled with the sound of pen on paper, then they flip a page.
“If there’s something you know, you need to tell me now. The longer you keep this information to yourself, the less trustworthy you seem. I want to be able to talk to you freely, Y/N. The next step from here is a jail cell.”
You’re sweating, but a chill runs down your spine. This was very quickly getting a lot more serious than you thought was possible. “You can trust me… I really think that you’re wrong about Annie, though. She’s not as heartless as everyone else thinks.”
You’re getting increasingly shrill, but Hanji is surprisingly listening intently. They nod, then close the file and set the pen down on top of it.
Now, they approach you on a personal level. “You care about her, right?” they ask.
Your blush returns. “What?”
“It’s okay. You’re young. You’re allowed to have feelings.”
“That’s not even the point I’m making. Listen to me, I know her,” you insist, “and she would tell me if she had killed anyone – I know that she would have told–”
Your voice dies in your throat as you remember all the odd things she’s said over the years that don’t add up. All of the apologies for seemingly no reason, the guilt and overwhelm when hearing about the victims of the walls, and especially after the Battle of Trost.
Especially after Marco died.
Your senses blurs together as you think about everything she’s ever said to you in a new light. You feel physically sick, freezing and burning hot, alight with pain and heartbreak but also completely numb. Annie’s voice echoes in your head, and your consciousness is bombarded with the memories of things she said that didn’t quite add up.
“I’m not a good person,” she had said. “Maybe you should hate me,” she had said. “You don’t understand. Maybe I AM getting too attached…”
You’re an idiot for not seeing it before. How could you overlook such obvious guilt, such strange behavior? Are you really so lovestruck that none of the weird things she’s said have conveyed otherwise?
“I’m not the kind of person you can take home to your parents.” she told you once. You’d been so quick to shove off your parents that you didn’t stop to think about what she meant by that.
“What I mean is that it’s me, and I know I’ll screw it up at some point… I know that you care about me, but I don’t deserve an easy life.” she had told you. You thought she was being self-derogatory. “I’m too much of a coward to deserve your kindness, or your love,” she’d said. Even if she was speaking from her heart, you hadn’t entertained the thought that she was being objective.
Tears well up in your eyes. You want to disappear into your forearms. Is this really happening?
Hanji gives you another sad, pitying look. “She has, hasn’t she? That’s what’s happening right now, isn’t it? Something doesn’t add up and you’ve just realized it.”
“I – I… she…” you stutter, too overwhelmed to confirm, “No. It couldn’t be…”
A long beat passes where you’re given the space to process your feelings. Hanji puts down their pen and closes the file to talk to you properly, face to face. You lift your head to meet their gaze, though it still hangs low with shame.
“Yes, it can. And it is. She is,” Hanji tells you, sternly. A chill goes down your spine at the conviction with which they speak. “I need to know everything. Did she ever tell you anything about a goal? Or a motive?”
“No… just to join the Military Police. Normal stuff… she wanted to stay alive.”
They look up at you, and their expression is surprisingly soft. “We want to keep her alive, too. I think it’s important you understand that.”
You nod. “Okay.” Although you’re still not comfortable, you feel a little bit more at ease after hearing that.
“Well go on, then,” they urge.
Wait, you’re supposed to say something? You break out into a cold sweat.
What are they expecting, for you to break down every step of your relationship? That seems counterproductive at best and invasive at worst. You feel yourself shriveling right back up.
“Uhh, what’s the question?” you squeak, knowing full well that one was not asked. This is much more pressure than you’re prepared to handle.
Hanji just sighs, seemingly disappointed. You wonder what information they could possibly be expecting for you to volunteer under these circumstances. Apparently much more than you’re capable of or are comfortable with.
They move on. “Well, what about the night that my two captured Titans were killed? Were you aware of her whereabouts in the early morning the day before your graduation?”
You freeze. That was the night she had climbed in through your window.
It felt like ages ago at this point, but between the undeniable weirdness when she came in, the steaminess just after, and finally the ‘I love you’ note, ensures that you certainly won’t be forgetting that encounter anytime soon.
The decision you made back then to stay quiet looms in the back of your mind. You swallow dryly, now knowing for certain that it was the wrong choice.
“She… she came to see me,” you admit. “Before the morning rounds…”
Immediately, Hanji’s look sharpens. They look you straight in the eye. “When did you see her and how long did she stay? Did she visit you before or after the Titans were killed?”
“Early, before the sun,” you stutter, “She stayed for about an hour. I think it was after.”
Suddenly, an accusatory finger pointed toward you. “So she told you that she had killed them?”
You blanch and scramble to correct yourself. “No! No, she didn’t say a thing. All I know is that she showed up. She was acting weird.”
“Elaborate, please.”
You start blushing, and you hope that the yellowish light doesn’t give way to how red you’ve become. “I don’t know. She came through the window and she had on a full set of ODM gear. She wasn’t talking a lot.”
“A full set of ODM gear – does that include blades?” Hanji asks, “What did she say while she was there?”
“Yes,” is all you reply with. You feel the stare it earns you and you shut down a little bit.
“Why did she visit you?” she asks, more pointedly. “What did you talk about?”
You stare straight ahead and try to hold your face together. You do not make eye contact. “Uh… she really was NOT talking very much.”
All you receive is a blank look in return, and a nod signaling for you to elaborate.
You squirm in your seat. “She was… doing other stuff?” you say.
Holy shit, really? Is there a way to go back in time and unsay something?
Hanji stares at you for a few seconds trying to comprehend. The wheels turn in their mind, then they give you a bit of a look and an arch of the eyebrow.
“Is that teenager lingo for ‘sex’ these days?” they ask. “All this vaguity is going above my head at this point.”
The shame becomes too great, and you collapse with your head in your arms. Your ears are steaming.
“I’ll go ahead and take that as a yes,” Hanji muses, chuckling to themself. “You know, you ARE allowed to have sex. Nobody with a pulse will judge you for that.”
Did you seriously just admit in a military interview, to a superior officer, that you’d gotten laid?
You’re not sure how to react, and you stay frozen up. “I’m not going to… get in trouble?”
“Get in trouble?” they ask, like they have no idea what you’re talking about.
Your blush is what eventually clues them in to the implications of what you’re asking. “Ohhh! Oh, of course not. That’s not what the issue is here. All I need to know is if she said anything about the Titans that morning, and anything else is your business. ”
“No, she didn’t,” you reply, muffled by your arms. “All she said was that she wanted to see me. I heard people yelling but she didn’t want me to look.”
“And just to confirm, you didn’t see the street below?”
“No, I didn’t,” you reply, and without even really having a specific thing in mind, you add: “I’m sorry.”
You’re sorry for being stupid. You’re sorry for not realizing what should have been glaringly obvious. Now you escalate beyond twiddling your thumbs. You graduate to full-on skin picking as you claw your cuticles haphazardly.
“I think this is the hard evidence we needed” Hanji mutters, “Your testimony confirms that Annie Leonhardt was in the vicinity at the time of the killings equipped with full gear, just as we suspected. We hope to have her in custody by tomorrow night, if everything goes according to plan. You’ll be informed about the details of the operation as needed.”
Their words make your blood run cold. You don’t want to be responsible for Annie’s downfall.
“I don’t…” you choke, fighting back tears. “I don’t want her to be hurt. I think she would come with me willingly.”
Hanji considers it. They had taken you much more seriously than any other military officer would have, and you try to be appreciative of that. Maybe the relatability that got you to open up will work the other way around. It’s clear that they have the capacity for empathy.
After a long pause and some consideration, Hanji seems to have come to a similar conclusion on their own.
“We’re open to that possibility. But if she doesn’t, we are going to use whatever force we deem necessary.”
Tears well up in your eyes. “Just let me talk to her, okay?” you beg. “Let me go with them.” Hanji has reasoned with you this far, so what is one more plea?
In response, you get another look of pity and derision. You fully expect to be denied, so when Hanji nods and gestures for you to continue, you’re not sure what to say.
Honestly, you just say whatever bullshit you think will be enough to convince them. By the time you’re released from the interview, you can’t remember half of what came out of your mouth.
Your stomach doesn’t untwist for days.
The trap goes as smoothly as anyone could have hoped at first.
Stohess is your hometown – you know the back alleys and side streets better than the other cadets, and guide them through quiet streets as the focus. You know the way better than any of them.
You remember how to get to the underground tunnels. The plan is that you’ll lead everyone downstairs. So badly you want this to go away that you find yourself praying, actually down on your knees, that the military is wrong about everything they said, that she’ll prove her innocence.
Your stomach aches from the moment you wake up. The last thing you want to do is trick her, but it’s the only way you can get face-to-face with her without it being seen as sneaky.
So when the Scouts pass through on the main road, you and Armin stand in an alleyway waiting and watching. A few of the Military Police cadets run past and as the boy next to you nudges you, you snap to attention.
Unsurprisingly, Annie hangs towards the back of the group. Your blood runs cold at the sight of the familiar way she ties her hair. It’s been so long since you’ve seen her that more than anything, you miss her.
For a split second, you forget why you’re there. She’s far enough away from everyone else that you feel comfortable calling out her name from the shadows.
“Hey, Annie!”
It’s the first and last thing that you can bring yourself to say. You had every intention to help contribute to the ruse but seeing her face makes you freeze up entirely. Helplessly, you look over at Armin.
“I can’t do it,” you whisper frantically.
His eyes widen. “What? But she’s coming over here expecting to see you.”
“Well I’m still here, aren’t I? I just need you to do the talking, okay?!”
You’re so frazzled that you’re about to start shaking him by the shoulders. Luckily, he nods in agreement just as Annie ducks into the alleyway.
There’s a moment of awkward silence as she stares at the two of you, shocked. You raise your hand to give a weak little wave and it seems to wake her up. She shakes her head, furrowing her brow.
“Why are you two dressed like that?”
Armin manages to handle the situation well considering that you’d shoved it on him at the last second. You nod beside him and actively fight to keep a grimace off of your face.
The whole time he talks you fight back nausea. Some darker emotion creeps at the edge of your mind. At first, you interpret it as guilt for tricking her. Later on, it feels more like fear.
Fear of what might happen? Fear of her? You don’t even try to narrow it down in the aftermath.
In the end, your presence is what convinces her to tag along. At first she’s apprehensive, edgy. She’s still suspicious based on the way her hackles stay up, but it’s almost like she’s trying to prove something.
She agrees because she wants to be a good person, you reason. Did your incorrect assumption her intentions were good lead to what would happen next?
For the first time ever, you’re grateful for the fact that Annie doesn’t like public displays of affection. Most of the time when the two of you walked side by side, you were itching you slip your hands into hers – but not today. Today, you stand a meter clear of her with both hands shoved in your pockets.
It’s been a month since you’ve last seen her. Every time you thought about this scenario when you reunite, you were excited to see her. You pictured yourself throwing your arms around her and kissing her face, spinning her around, and sneaking off somewhere private.
Never did you imagine that you’d be so averse to touching her. So why are you so hurt whenever she keeps the same distance? Why does it make you so upset that she didn’t pull you close as soon as she saw you?
The conversation is awkward and short-lived. You worry that she can sense that something is wrong by the way she questions the legitimacy of the plan.
Three becomes five when you meet up with Eren and Mikasa. The dark-haired boy talks quietly as he goes over the decoy plan.
If you’d been the one to explain it, you’d have given it away. The entire time you’re expecting the plan to go awry, and you’re conflicted. If you’re so convinced that she was innocent, why are you so scared right now? In retrospect, you aren’t sure how you ever thought anything else would happen.
When you reach the staircase leading underground, your stomach drops as you feel Annie tensing up beside you.
The rest of you descend the steps as she stays rooted in place. Annie stares down at the four of you with horror in her eyes, and finally, it seems to hit her. The tension is so thick that you struggle to breathe, but you will yourself to keep up a poker face.
“I’m not going down there…” she says.
She’s caught on. There’s too much tension, too much desperation in her voice. She’s not acting like herself, and it’s unnerving. The pit in your stomach expands as she and Eren argue back and forth about why she won’t come along.
She’s not damsel, or anything of the sort. It’s laughable for her to pretend like she is, and it’s everything you can do to keep yourself quiet as Eren starts to get more frantic. His voice has risen to a shout as he continues to plead.
“Quit being stupid!” he says, “Just get down here! Stop screwing around!” He’s genuinely distressed, balling his fists up as he shakes his head, red-faced.
He looks like he’s about to freak out, and you empathize with him – though you’re acutely reminded that you’re the only one who does when Mikasa snaps to quiet him.
“Eren, don’t shout!”
Annie’s gaze burns down into all four of you, but there’s something in her eyes that you know is directed at you specifically. She’s angry, moments away from lashing out.
You can’t bring yourself to look at her. You can’t bring yourself to look. When you swallow nervously, it burns like sandpaper.
“I’m sure it’s fine, Mikasa,” she says, surprisingly calmly, “because for some reason, this place has been completely deserted for a while.”
Beside you, Armin pulls the flare gun from his pocket and hides it behind his back. Mikasa holds Eren back with nothing but a look, and you wish that you could disappear from behind them.
Now that there’s no way out, you don’t want to be here anymore.
“Man… That really hurts.” Even without looking, you can sense the apathy on Annie’s face, hear it in her voice. “At what point did you start looking at me that way, Armin?”
“And you, Y/N…” her eyes move to you, where you still stare at the ground. “You won’t even do that. After everything? I thought I could trust you…”
Your eyes and nose burn as you hold back tears. Even then, you can’t lift your gaze.
Armin responds, and you’re grateful that it means you don’t have to. “Annie… Why did you have Marco’s ODM gear?” he asks. A heavy silence settles, so he elaborates: “It had all the same scrapes and bumps. I could tell, because I’d helped him do maintenance on it.”
“Yes…” she says quietly. A familiar look of regret crosses her face, and if you’d looked up you might have even felt sympathy for her, “I found it and took it.”
“Then those two titans we captured alive…” Armin continues. “Was it you who killed them?”
“Who knows… maybe you should ask her,” she sneers. You’d half-expected her to come after you like that at, but it still hurts to hear it. You can’t take it anymore and let the tears roll down your face.
When she sees it won’t get a reaction from you, she quickly returns to dispassionately looking off to the side.
She makes a tsk sound. “If that’s what you suspected a month ago why didn’t you do anything then?”
Armin continues on. “Even now I can hardly believe it. I just… wanted to believe I had it wrong. That’s why I didn’t –” he chokes, and his hand holding the signal gun trembles wildly behind, “– but what about you? The fact that you didn’t kill me back then is why we’re in this situation now.”
The silence now is heavier than ever. A gust of wind blowing in the street above is the only noise in the area. Annie’s bangs float around her head as they’re swept in the breeze. God damn, her eyes are practically sparkling. Is it bad that even now, you still think that she’s beautiful?
“Yeah… I agree with all my heart” she admits, resentfully. “I never imagined you’d end up cornering me like this… Why didn’t I do anything then?”
Finally, you gain the courage to speak up for the first time in the confrontation, even though your voice only comes out as a squeak: “Annie, please… All we want to do is talk. If you–”
“–Shut the hell up,” she interrupts, “You shouldn’t even be here. I thought we made a plan for you, and then you didn’t listen. Why would you think that I’d want to see you again?”
Her words cut into you like a knife. You don’t know what to say, so you say nothing. All you do is stand there like a kicked puppy. You can feel Armin and Mikasa staring at you, though the implications about your relationship seem to fly right over Eren’s head.
Everything simultaneously speeds up and slows down. It was bad enough to hear what she’s saying, but right now when you need to help her? She’s not going to let you. Some part deep inside of you finally realizes that there’s no way out of this.
It’s going to go badly, so incredibly badly.
“Just leave,” Annie spits, “run.”
She looks dark and unfamiliar as her eyes bore into you from the top of the stairs.
When you don’t immediately start running, her nostrils flare. And although she doesn’t raise her voice or even change the tone of her voice, something about the way her ring finger won’t stay still is unnerving you.
“Run.” she repeats, more emphatically. The sun against her back casts her face in shadow, but you could read her expression in pitch darkness. She looks at you with more hate than you’ve ever known her to have for you.
Everyone else maybe, but you?
You burst into tears, backing away slowly at first. Whether it’s out of fear or intuition, you do what she says. It feels too frantic, too emotional for her. Your shoulder bumps into the wall as you stagger backward looking for the way out.
Eren starts shouting up at her again, but you aren’t paying attention to the exchange anymore. Chaos interrupts as soon as you leave, but blood is rushing in your ears too loudly for you to care.
All you know is that she wouldn’t tell you to run for no reason. You sprint through the opening of the tunnel, ignoring Armin when he tries to call out for you.
Adrenaline carries you far and fast as raised voices turn to shouts, then screams. You’ve booked it halfway down the old dimly lit service tunnel before you trip over your own feet. As you lay face-down with your hands scraped up, you have a moment of intense regret.
The flare gun fires in the stairwell, and you hear people screaming above ground.
Why the fuck did you run? You need to know what’s happening. More importantly, you left Eren, Mikasa, and Armin on their own when things were going bad. You can’t be responsible for your friends’ death.
Right as you slow down, an explosion sounds from behind you, and it threatens to collapse the tunnel. Dirt showers down from between the bricks above you, and you’re very aware of being underground, especially when orange and green crackles of lightning brighten the hallway.
Panic overrides instinct, and you scramble to your feet in an instant so you can help the other three. Luckily, they swing down into the tunnel in the nick of time.
Mikasa uses her momentum to throw the boys underhanded out of the path of crumbling stone from above as Annie transforms. The three of you cover your heads with your arms as a deafening roar rips through the hallway.
“Come on, we can’t stay here…” Armin tries to explain, though his voice is shaking.
You don’t listen. Instead, you stand up in the corridor. Right now, you’re not capable of thinking. All you want is to get back to Annie, but you immediately regret it when you see that your wish has ironically, come true.
A massive skinless hand reaches down the corridor before anyone can call out to warn you. Mikasa reacts instantly, taking off in the other direction while grabbing the others by the backs of their cloaks.
The first instinct that you have is to scream, but all noise dies in your throat. You genuinely feel like you’re about to die – all you can do is dive as far as you can away and curl into a ball waiting for it to be over. You aren’t sure how long you lie there with your eyes closed.
At first, you’re upset that the others left you behind, and resentful that you weren’t on the front lines. Later on, you don’t hold it against them since you had run first. You also realize later on that you never would have been allowed near her, anyway.
Eventually, the thunderous shaking begins to fade. The hand is gone, and footsteps above signal the departure of Annie’s Titan.
More rocks fall from the ceiling, and the archways collapses the entryway almost entirely. The position you’re in protects you from the worst of the falling rocks, but you can tell that you’re bruised.
You crawl through the rubble until you’re in front of the crumbling archway. Rocks settle into place as thunderous movements from above send pebbles showering down from the unstable pile. Dust falls off of you as you stagger to your feet.
Denial sets in first. This isn’t happening, you think. You have to get back up there even if it’s just to scream helplessly up at her Titan.
You resort to climbing the pile of rocks. It’s hopeless. You’re clawing at anything you can grab, and pushing on any rock in hopes it might give, but it seems like you genuinely won’t be able to go back the way you came.
No, fuck that. You’re determined to get out of here, so you hoist yourself up on top of one of the larger boulders.
It feels futile for a good while, until one of the rocks on top loosens enough for you to roll it out of place. It creates a narrow crack you can climb through. In a haze and without thinking, you take off your ODM gear so that you’re more likely to fit.
You scrabble at the rocks beneath it, and eventually, they give as well. It’s not a comfortable fit by any means, but you manage to squeeze in feet-first. You emerge on the other side of the rock pile scraped up with rips in your uniform, but you manage to wiggle past the threshold of the broken arch.
When you successfully slide through, you immediately get knocked around as you’re swept away in a rockslide. Predictable, really. It carries you backward until you fall smack into what’s left of the stairway.
It doesn’t feel real, though somehow you find the strength to lift yourself up. You climb over both steps and displacing chunks of what was once the ceiling. For a moment you lose your footing to land on all fours.
You’ve definitely scraped your knees, but you’re surprised to see that your hands are covered in blood. You slip on a whole puddle as you try to stand, and only then do you realize that it’s not your own.
Rivulets of crimson ooze between fallen rocks. As you’re climbing out of the rubble, you begin to process the full extent of your surroundings. You realize there are bodies – dozens, at least, crushed beneath the rubble you’re trying to get out of. You’re surrounded by them.
None of this feels real.
Debris and ash cover an area that had just been clean and familiar. Buildings along the streets have holes in them, or are crumbling altogether. This is a vision or something, right? Some kind of horrible nightmare that you’ll wake up from at any moment.
Giant, shaking footsteps still quake from nearby. Dazedly, you wander toward the sound, even though you have no clue what you’re trying to accomplish. All you know is that you can’t stand around and do nothing.
It only takes a few moments after wandering out in the open for someone to grab you by the arm.
“Here she is!” shouts the man who found you. He’s not a soldier, so you try to yank your arm back and run away. Before you can get far, you’re cornered by a group of soldiers who came running as backup.
Immediately, you’re swarmed. Someone pulls your arms together in front of you while a different officer secures handcuffs around your wrists. You try to struggle, but the lock clicks before you’re able to get free.
“Section Leader, this way. We found her!”
Honestly, you aren’t entirely sure what comes over you. Anger and frustration at the situation as well as the fact that you’re being neutralized so early on takes control of you, and as soon as you’re restrained you start spitting venom at everyone around you.
“No way! I did what you assholes told me to do – why are you doing this to me?”
One of the soldiers shushes you while the other fastens a chain to the cuffs. You pull your arms away only for them to be yanked back down roughly. It’s genuinely humiliating – they’re treating you like a dog on a leash.
Before you see them, you can hear Hanji tsk-ing as they approach from behind. “I don’t know why you’re screaming at me. You ran away down in the tunnels – that wasn’t in the plan. We have a lot of talking to do, young lady.”
Simmering rage surges up within you, and you struggle to shake the grip of the soldier holding onto your cuffs. “She told me to run…!” you exclaim.
Hanji just looks at you for a few seconds. “And you listened?”
That same pitying look from back when they interviewed you comes back onto their face. “Yeah… I think you’ll stay in custody until further notice.”
Anger once again rises at their flippancy in the matter. “You’re fucking kidding me!” you seethe, “Please tell me that you’re joking right now.”
They give you a bit of a condescending look from beneath a heavy pair of goggles. ”You’ll find that I am very much not joking.”
And you do indeed.
Somebody yanks you forward by the chain, but you throw your head over your shoulder to continue yelling, “This isn’t fair! What did you expect me to do? I never wanted to go along with this shitty plan in the first place.”
Nobody is paying attention to you anymore, unfortunately. Even the soldier holding your cuffs tunes you out after a certain point, try as you might to kick up a ruckus. You stomp and clink angrily, and rattle the chain in hopes that you can gnash your teeth at someone else.
Soon after, a new pair of soldiers arrives to escort you back to the Commander. After they chat with Hanji for a bit, you’re transferred into their custody. The section leader and their squad zip away in the opposite direction while you’re pulled down a different street.
The city is still shaking from the booming footsteps a few blocks over. It makes signs in front of shops rattle and unhinge from their fixtures, while shop displays and potted plants topple to the ground. Even the river heaves, splashing up onto the banks as it’s thrown back and forth.
The three soldiers pull you through the city despite your resistance. Everybody around you is in chaos, running and clutching their valuables and loved ones to their chest. Even with all the destruction happening right in front of your eyes, you struggle to process it as reality.
High-pitched Titan shrieking reverberates from across the city, and it’s so jarring that it makes you stop in your tracks. One of the soldiers pushes you, telling you to keep on walking.
You’re actually glad that you aren’t seeing the destruction. It’s the one thing that gives you any hope. Right now you feel completely empty, gutted. Numb to the world and to everything happening around you. If you saw what was happening, you wouldn’t ever be able to forget it.
Maybe if you keep your head down, it’ll all be a bad dream. You’ll wake up back in bed the night before training corps graduation. All of this will have been some anxiety-fueled dream, and Annie will tell you the real reason she’s been so shady as of late.
And if you wake up, you’ll do it right this time and you’ll choose the Wall Brigade. Losing Annie is what isn’t worth the risk. The Survey Corps was a mistake and this time you’ll avoid the whole debacle.
All of a sudden it becomes too much. Nausea overtakes you and you stagger off to the side, no longer able to hold yourself upright.
She did this. You crawled out of a pile of rocks and dead bodies that she put there. As you look down at the drying copper stains smeared on your palms, you shake. if you had been less foolish, maybe their blood wouldn’t literally be on your hands.
You fall to your knees, and it’s all you can do to stagger above a sewer grate before you throw up. The delusion that she’ll make the choice you want her to finally fades away.
At first, your escorts try to follow you, though they let you be alone when they notice you spewing your guts out.
It’s the first time you have to genuinely process what’s happening. You’re angry at her, both for being what she is and for not telling you.
Your head spins. Again you doubt reality and pray that you wake up. The hard slats of the drain against your knees cut into already-scraped skin. The pain is real. The shriveled husk where your heart used to be is real. The emptiness inside of you is real.
A second explosion colors the city in orange and green light. Electricity hums through the air as lightning flashes brightly from the other side of the plaza – everyone in the vicinity covers their ears as another Titan screams, this one deeper in pitch.
You knew that if talking had failed, the backup plan was for Eren slug it out Titan-style with her, yet you find yourself panicked at the idea of it actually happening. Worse still, you can’t even pinpoint exactly what it is that upsets you more – the fact that this is actually happening, or the fact that you had genuinely yourself convinced it might not.
It’s incomprehensible. You can literally see the destruction all around you, but still all you want is to get through to her. If only you could talk to her…
This time when you run, it’s very intentional. Most of the guards are still keeping their distance as you hurl except for the one tied to your handcuffs. You stagger to your feet, but before the soldier can notice what you’re doing you yank the chain from his hands.
You don’t try to get yourself out of the cuffs, so you just hold the chain in your hand and get the hell out of there. You know exactly where you are – you used to come here with your family as a child, and you know exactly where to run.
The fact that you’ve memorized the alleyways and side streets in Stohess is what allows you to escape the second time. Never in your life have you been proud to come from this place, but you must admit that it comes in handy right now.
You follow the noises of destruction and the clouds of dust. It’s not easy to miss, and seeing half-crumbled buildings tells you you’re headed in the right direction. More Titan screaming, and the sounds of deafening fighting lead you exactly where you need to go.
Air rushes down alleyways, a result of the punches landing in the square. The wind whips so intensely that dust storms spin on the ground to weakly scatter dust and rocks throughout the alleyway. You run with your jacket over your head to avoid getting hit. Every gust nearly knocks you to your knees, but you continue to stagger forward.
The endurance you have is only due to the adrenaline coursing through you. Between fleeing civilians and terrified soldiers who have no idea what to do, you manage to make it onto the main street. You toss aside your Survey Corps jacket so that you won’t be as easily identified.
Nobody even looks at you as you sprint down the road. A group of soldiers zip above your head on their gear, and you’re relieved whenever they don’t pay attention to you. The road begins to slope uphill into a bridge.
You freeze in place at the sight of aTitan being thrown into a building. At first you can’t figure out who is who through the thick cloud of smoke and dust – all you can see is movement until it settles.
Your heart leaps when you see that Annie seems to have the upper hand, but then immediately feel guilty. Deep down, you want her to win. You can’t handle the thought of anything bad happening to her even still, and you feel horrible about it.
She has Eren slammed into a building. He’s pinned so that the only way he can fight back is by biting her leg, even though it’s obviously not getting anywhere. Blow after blow lands as she lets out an inhuman shriek. You hide behind the stone railing, as if that made a difference.
When you see her now, you can’t fathom that there was ever a time you didn’t recognize her Titan. It looks exactly like her, from the shape of her jaw to the blue of her eyes.
The way her hair brushes the tops of her shoulders…She’s hundreds of meters from you still, but the gargantuan proportions give you enough view to see her clearly. The way her cheeks curve, the squareness of her chin, that distinctive nose.
Standing there, you can’t justify how there was ever a time you didn’t look up at that Titan and recognize her. There had to be some kind of barrier in your brain that wouldn’t let you overlook something that seems so obvious in retrospect. That barrier had apparently blocked you from seeing a lot.
Even her body is the same. Tiny mannerisms that are intimately familiar. How could you not have immediately recognized how her arms are shaped? How did you not notice that the way that her leg extends, the way that her waist twists, is just the same as Annie?
Were you just… stupid?
Before long, she’s pummeled Eren’s head into a bloody pulp. She manages to shake him off of her eventually then backs away. You recognize her body language – she’s scared. Her shoulders are drawn together tightly, and the lack of skin only emphasizes the tension in her muscles.
The Titan looks around for a minute before she takes off running in the other direction. You’re close enough that the proximity of her footsteps knock you off your feet. You scrape yourself up pretty badly as you struggle to get back up again.
Eren isn’t moving, but he’s been through worse. You don’t try to justify it beyond that. Later you chalk it up to how rattled you were with betrayal, but a part of you wonders if you secretly wanted him to lose.
You hate that it got to this point. You hate that this had to end with a fight neither of them wanted to have.
If you hadn’t been so tongue-tied earlier than maybe none of this would be happening. You might have been able to get her to come peacefully, willingly, if you had talked to her.
Maybe it wasn’t too late, you wonder.
If you can get to her maybe she would still listen. You take off down the road in the same direction she did.
A dead soldier lies slumped against the wall, with the blades of his ODM gear still tightly gripped in his hands. It looks like he was thrown against the building, or perhaps kicked. You try to stop yourself from picturing the details of how. It’s obvious what happened with two Titans rampaging about, but while it’s still happening, you need to be able to press on.
You push the noise away and focus on angling the fallen soldier’s blade between the chain of your handcuffs. With your foot anchoring the blade in place, you pull your wrists towards you with all of your strength. It successfully snaps one of the links in the handcuffs and allows your hands to separate.
The force knocks you on your elbows. Breaking the chain didn’t get the cuffs off from around your wrists, but at least you can move your arms again.
Deeper screams from Eren’s Titan resound through the alleyways. Suddenly, you panic about not being able to see what’s happening. He sounds louder, more crazed.
To your horror, the sounds of fighting start back up again. Screams that you now recognize as Annie’s fill the air amidst Eren’s roars. You scramble back up to your feet and run in the other direction, desperate to get there before it’s too late.
Before you get to a bridge overlooking the courtyard where the fight is taking place, you see a group of Military Police running on foot. Instinctual terror kicks in at the sight of cops, and you book it down the nearest alleyway and flatten your back against the wall.
The unit passes quickly, but those forty-five seconds are enough for something significant to happen. You feel it before you see it – only one set of Titan footsteps rattle the ground. When you finally reach the bridge you’re horrified to see Annie(‘s Titan), beaten and missing a leg.
She’s climbing the wall. Everyone around you shouts in horror, with some people running in the other direction. You’re too afraid to move from where you stand so you sit there and watch in disbelief. There’s a moment (albeit a brief one) where you genuinely think she might make it over.
But as soon as you see smoke from a set of ODM gear and the glint of blades, you know it’s not going to work. You consider closing your eyes, but it feels like you’re frozen. The next minute or so – it can’t have been more – will end up replaying in your mind for years afterwards.
It feels like slow motion when she falls, with her severed fingers still rooted in a stone halfway up the wall.
At the time it feels like an eternity is passing, but later you realize it actually happened so much more quickly than you could comprehend. Events that took place in just an hour and half end up haunting you for the rest of your life.
Her landing leaves a crater in the rock below. Plumes of steam emanate from both of the Titans as they roar, with Eren jumping on her before she could have the chance to run away.
It was over as soon as Annie hit the ground.
Eren lets out a scream so deafening that you have to cover your ears. He makes several quick movements as he lunges at the already-broken form of the Female Titan. One arm flies off in one direction, then a massive leg flies in the other as they’re ripped off.
The second you see that in his rage, he’s going after her head. Even if it’s not her actual body, you can’t bear to watch. You physically cover your face to block your view. Tears of hysteria streak down your face – you know what’s going to happen, and you don’t want to see it.
An impossibly bright light suddenly shines from the middle of the square. The roars from Eren’s Titan become less enraged and more confused.
You peek between your fingers to see that the light is appearing from Annie. Eren’s Titan thrashes on top of her. He tries to pull away to no avail, but fails when his flesh practically melts into Annie’s.
Like you’d experienced many times over the last few days, you can practically hear her voice in your head as a memory replays.
“My biggest dream is to give up,” she’d said.
She had seemed so defeated when she had said that… Out of everything she’s ever alluded to and implied, this is the one thing that genuinely makes sense to you. This memory sticks out to you more than others do over the next few days.
The clear angle you have of her crying in the top of her destroyed Titan only lasts for a moment before her face is enveloped. An eerie blue aura surrounds her, illuminating her silhouette and spreading outward until all of a sudden, the entire square is lit up. There’s another flash of light, and then silence.
That silence is so much more painful than the screams. It had been better with all the fighting and destruction, just because she was here.
Eren’s Titan slumps as both of the behemoths dissolve and steam. Where Annie’s Titan used to be is a massive hunk of crystal. The light returns to normal, and just as quickly as all of this began it comes to a devastatingly anticlimactic ending.
There’s just shock in the aftermath. A long silence settles over the city that paralyzes you. Everyone else begins to move before you do.
Annie is motionless inside the rock, with her eyes closed. Somehow you know without confirmation that there’s nothing to be done. You know her well enough to know that she’s not coming out of there.
Just like that, she’s gone.
Even if she isn’t dead, she’s not going to come out of there, not after everything that just happened. All you can do is stare, shell-shocked and alone.
Soldiers on either side of you start murmuring, whispering amongst themselves. For them, the confusion wears off after a minute. As everyone around you begins to move and deal with reality, your world slows down. How is everyone doing their jobs like nothing has happened? How is it that the world continues on when the person you care about most was just taken away?
But as you sit there and stare through the distorted crystal, you realize that you don’t even know who exactly you’re mourning. Right now you can’t say confidently that you even knew her at all. Is it the real Annie that you’re afraid of being without?
Or is it the fact that you’re only realizing at this moment that you never came close to knowing her at all?
The hysteria hits quickly. Your vision blurs as tears well up in your eyes and you grip the concrete railing, so tightly that it hurts your hands.
At some point, you regain control of your body, and find yourself rushing down the nearest staircase. It might be futile at this point, but you can’t resist the urge to go to her. Nobody stops you, surprisingly, as you hurtle across the destroyed square.
The air nearby is still thick with steam. As you grow closer to the crystal, the surface fogs ever-so-slightly. You fall to your knees before it, and in the process you scrape every inch of your knees that hadn’t already been scraped.
You ignore the pain, and press your forehead and the palm of your hand against the clear rock.
For the longest time you thought you were special. She opened up to you, she came to you for comfort in a way that she didn’t trust anyone else… Was that a lie? Had she been pretending all along, stringing you along for her own cruel amusement?
Or worse, had she actually cared for you in some sick and twisted way? Is your teenage fling enough to justify even entertaining the idea of forgiving her – but then again you could only do that if you could talk it through with her, and you can’t. Do you even want to forgive her?
Logically, no. But emotionally… well, you know what? Fuck your emotions – you don’t trust them anymore. If this whole experience has taught you anything, then the lesson has nothing to do with war, or with the Titans.
All you’ve learned is what it feels like to have your heart ripped out and stomped on. And yet, if you could go back in time with the knowledge you have now, you would still make a lot of the same choices.
It’s Annie who you wish had chosen differently.
The crystal is still warm. She’s alive, right? You don’t see the movement of her breathing anymore. Can she still hear you? She doesn’t need to be able to respond, you reason. Please, you think, please don’t leave me alone.
This must be the bargaining stage. It’s pathetic, and you resent the feelings that it brings up. She’s a traitor, isn’t she? A murderer, a monster. She used you.
You lied for her, and because of that she was able to kill hundreds of people. Indirectly, she’s responsible for thousands more deaths. She’s responsible for killing your grandparents, for destroying your home.
But no, that’s not the person that you knew. That can’t be the same person who you fell in love with. You go completely numb and wonder when your jailors are going to catch up with you and place you back under arrest. With their track record, it surely couldn’t be long.
As if on cue, you hear a familiar voice call out from the distance to chastise you.
“Wow!” it says “You really must be trying to raise my blood pressure! As if everything else happening today wasn’t enough.”
Hanji stands with their hands on their hips, a disapproving look plastered on their face. Soldiers march past them on either side and once again you feel the cold slap of a second pair of handcuffs pressing into your wrists.
“Augh, come on,” you protest, “I’ve already been cuffed, can’t you just re-connect the last one?”
“Sorry... you don’t get to make requests when you broke out of custody. You know that technically makes you a fugitive, right?”
You angrily glare up at Hanji as their team members restrain you further.
One of them wraps a chain around your wrists, looping it several times over and in between your arms, excessively so. You shoot them an angry look too, just for good measure.
“Stop running away and we’ll stop treating you like a flight risk,” Hanji groans. “You’re starting to become a real thorn in my side. Maybe I should pawn you off to another officer so you wouldn’t be my problem anymore.”
You pout your lip. “Do you really mean that, Section Leader? Even if I promise to tell you all of my secrets?”
They aren’t amused. All they do is narrow their eyes at you, and it comes across a bit hostile. “I don’t know how to deal with this attitude you’re developing. Cooperate if you want to. We’re going to find out as much as we can with or without your help.”
“Whatever,” you say. After a few seconds, you cross your arms and look down. “I was just trying to say that I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”
Hanji just looks down at you in response with their arms crossed. They really are done indulging your bullshit, aren’t they?
Embarrassed, you look off to the side to avoid eye contact. “And I’m done being in denial, or whatever. Can I just… have a moment alone with her?”
“Not a chance,” they reply, immediately. They don’t even take time to consider it, which pisses you off.
“I will, however, let you watch if you stay in this exact spot. Mobilt, give me a piece of chalk–” they only pause for as long as it takes the man beside her to dig in his jacket pocket. He produces the piece of chalk, which Hanji promptly plucks from his fingers.
It’s a whole theatrical thing. They bend down and use the chalk to draw a line across the pavement front of you, much more dramatically than is necessary.
“You’re not allowed to move past this spot, and you’ll have a guard with you until you’re locked in a cell,” they tell you.
Someone calls out for them from a distance and they groan. Their eyes flutter closed in annoyance as they pinch the bridge of their nose.
“Okay. Here’s what we’re going to do: I have to leave, so I want my best people watching you. They are busy at the moment,” they gesture to the group of soldiers lining up two wooden carts side-by-side. Some adjust the wagons themselves while others begin to unroll a massive tarp.
Hanji continues on. “So you’re going to wait here until they’ve finished, and then you’ll be taken in for processing. I’ll come when I can. Right now, I have to deal with this fucking hole in the Wall…”
Later, you see them at the top, looking down at the covered section beneath them. You don’t think much of it, consumed as you are with your own shit. Right now, however, you stay staring at the crystal. You want to take as long as you can to look at her while you still can, and you’re grateful you’re allowed to stay.
You’re stuck with the same guard before, who has since gone from apathetic to actively annoyed with you. You try to ignore the looks you get from passerbys as you sit there behind your stupid little chalk line, twiddling your thumbs.
A dozen soldiers heave the massive crystal onto the wagon but stagger halfway. The sound of hardening scraping against the stone floor fills the square until finally, after some straining, the crystal makes it off the ground. The wagons immediately groan in protest but everything stays in place.
Your heart sinks when they stretch the tarp over Annie’s encased body. It horrifies you, to be honest. The whole time you watch you’re filled with an increasing amount of dread. But there’s something deep inside of you that can’t look away, not when you’re so worried it might be the last time you see her.
The dust and residue floating around makes blinking dry and painful, so instead you subject yourself to the equally uncomfortable experience of just not blinking. Your eyeballs burn and tears spill down your cheeks to try and make up for the lack of moisture. Through the blurry haze you watch them buckle the rock down with straps.
The only part of her body that isn’t covered at this angle is the tops of her feet where the tarp doesn’t fully cover her. It’s hardly anything, just a splash of dark brown in the kaleidoscope of colors the afternoon sun casts into the crystal. It’s just the tips of her boots, but it's all you can see.��
The carts rumble away once it’s secure. It doesn’t take long for the soldiers to veer down a road out of your view, and suddenly, your time is up. All you can do is stare at the tips of your own boots (the same model), haunted.
You’re yanked to your feet as the soldiers doing the heavy lifting are finished. They walk down a different street and you’re carted behind them. Somebody steps on the back of your shoe when you slow down to try and take another glance you know you can’t take.
They lead you through the city the long way, and it feels like a punishment. You feel like you’re being forced to do a walk of shame for the sheer humiliation of it, and it’s working. It’s really getting to you.
God, you really loved her… Does that make you a traitor, too? You question your own motives once again, whether you subconsciously ignored signs that would have been obvious to anyone else. On some level you knew that the feelings you had for her were dangerously strong.
Something sinks inside of you as old feelings bubble up. You feel stupid and small, just like you did when you were child. It terrifies you to think of the scale on which people were hurt, or about the trail of dead bodies lying in wake of this destruction. More than anything you feel deep guilt.
There’s a collapsed building blocking the main road, so the guards lead you down a new street. You’re so distracted by your thoughts that it takes you a few moments to recognize your surroundings, but your blood runs ice cold when you do.
The Titan battle had decimated the entire area. Most of the pantheon was in ruins, with blood pooling in the cracks of the broken marble floor. Gilded chunks of walls and window panes have been thrown clear across the once-manicured lawn. Shattered glass and chunks of stone litter the clearing.
All at once, you recognize it. The crumbling remains of the atrium you’re looking at had once belonged to the Church of the Walls.
If you hadn’t known what it had looked like before it was destroyed, you probably wouldn’t have recognized it. The golden roof looks brown beneath the thick layer of dust that’s settled over the scene. Ornately carved architecture lies split in half.
It’s all intimately familiar to you in a way that you’re not proud of. After you take a moment to take in the destruction of this place, you’re hit hard with the butt of a rifle while your escorts try to get you back in line.
At this point, you’ve had an extremely shitty day. They were stupid enough to cuff your hands in front of your body for a second time, and the chains around your wrists serve as a bludgeon to reinforce the blow.
You swing your hands up hard to punch the soldier in the nose. It definitely breaks his nose, judging by the blood that spills between your fingers. To make sure that he stays down for good measure, you kick the motherfucker in the stomach.
In the confusion you dash off down an alley, running away out of custody for at least the third time that day. The stunt earns you another earful from Hanji and another day in the clink, but you have to know.
You have to see for yourself.
A soldier with a clipboard stands in a field of dead bodies loosely covered with white sheets. In your state, you don’t care for niceties and just snatch the board from his hands. Your eyes scan a list of names of the confirmed dead frantically, only to realize how few identifications they’d been able to make. Shoving the list back into the poor soldier’s hand, you shove right past any worried inquiries he may have had.
Later, the full effect of the horror hits you. You go through the rows of dead bodies, pulling back the sheets just enough to see faces before you re-cover them, and trying to ignore the pulling in your gut. Some of the bodies are missing entire limbs, staining the white cloth a heavy crimson. Was the dread because you were afraid you would see a familiar face, or that you wouldn’t?
Two rows, three rows, and nothing. Nobody is stopping you from looking, but you are getting weird looks from the nearby MPs. You’re starting to get frantic.
By the time you’ve moved to the fourth row of bodies, your hands are shaking. Perhaps appropriately so. When you lift the sheet on the third body in the row, shock makes you drop the sheet before you even get the chance to see the face underneath. You don’t need to, not when you can see that the woman’s hair is identical to that on your own head.
You hadn’t seen your mother for years, but you remember her hair. It’s shorter than yours now with intermittent greys, but it looks exactly like you remembered it. She has the same hairstyle even, all these years later. Again you lift the sheet.
This time, you actually look. It’s almost surreal. You hadn’t quite realized how much you’ve grown to look like her these days until you’re staring at your own face beneath that sheet, differentiated only by age, death, and a trickle of blood dripping from her mouth.
Her ribs are concave, flattened so completely that it takes you a moment to realize that there’s an extra limb in the mix.
You throw back the sheet to see better. Wrapped around your mothers’ elbow is the disembodied right arm of a man. That was the wrist your father wore his watch, yes? You pull down the sleeve of the dark suit jacket to find what you’d been looking for.
The glass is shattered and the clasp has broken, but the sleeve contained enough of the watch together in one piece that you can tell what it once was. What remains of the clock face is still intact. Sure enough, when you turn it over, you see that two initials (his own and your mother’s) as well as a family crest are engraved on the polished metal backing.
At the bottom, there used to be three more sets of initials for each of their children. You realize with disgust that all three have been covered. Crudely scratched out, really, but the intention of the action hits you directly in the soul.
His feelings had been clear to you for a long time, but this was another level of awful.
You stand there frozen in place, stunned, for long enough that the group of soldiers arresting you finds you again. At that point, they’re beyond done with your antics. You don’t resist when you’re tackled into the grass.
Someone undoes your handcuffs (both sets, luckily) only to redo them behind your back this time, so tightly that it cuts into your wrists. It seems they’ve learned a lesson now. A rope goes around your torso, and you nearly snarl at the overkill.
“I’m not an animal.”
“Shut the hell up and stay where you are,” says a very tall soldier, with much broader shoulders than the last guy. The one that you punched stands a few feet back, glowering at you with an ice pack pressed against your nose.
What you want to do is give them a piece of your mind, remind them that you’d gone willingly every time. But it doesn’t come out. Instead, as soon as your mouth opens you laugh. You look back down at what’s left of the only living relatives you had and laugh.
You laugh hysterically, your voice shaking. Honestly, you don’t know how to feel. In a way you feel free now that your parents are gone, but every aspect of how it came about was horrifying. Even as you hated them their death left your gut twisting.
“Wait a minute, hold on,” you manage to get out through bursts of giggle-crying, “I can identify them… I need to tell someone who they are.”
The soldier guarding you rolls his eyes.
“Make it quick,” he tells you gruffly, but he does shove you back over to the disgruntled man with the clipboard.
He’s still a bit annoyed with you from earlier, but he looks at you like you have two heads now that you come up laughing like a crazy person.
“Georg and Claudia Last/Name,” you announce, although much to your displeasure your voice cracks before you can follow up with: “Add them to your list.”
The soldier jots down the names, then flips the page on the clipboard to cross something out. “Alright, thanks for the information. If you know them, can you direct me towards their next of kin?”
You snort on your laughter, and if your hands could be near your face you might have buried it in them with shame.
“There’s no one. There’s nobody left,” to your great surprise, you begin to choke on tears. “I think their money would be better off with someone who actually needs it.”
He checks a box, but the soldier with the clipboard just continues to look down at you judgmentally. “Yeah, it doesn’t really work like that. I just need to know who needs to get the news if there are kids or other surviving family members.”
“Whatever,” you mumble, “All of their kids died a long time ago.” Anything you stood to inherit, you didn’t want anyway.
As you’re led away, you stare at the spot in the grass where the broken wristwatch lay shattered. The crossed-out engravings on the back are visible amongst the shattered glass and bent metal.
Somebody from behind you yanks on your handcuffs. You cynically wish that you could run away again. In your current situation, you’ve only gotten into more trouble running. Where would you even go now? What exactly could you look forward to?
Well, for the first time in your life you’re not afraid of your parents anymore. That certainly counts for something.
Later, you smugly chuckle to yourself when you realize that even if your father crossed out your initials on that stupid wristwatch, you’re still the last one standing.
To this day, you don’t know why it was you who lived. You didn’t earn it, or make any ‘better’ choices.
You spend the next week in a dingy jail cell. Most of the time you’re completely alone, save a guard who brings you meals, and when you’re being further interrogated. You quickly recognize that you have no other option than to endure it all, and the depression sets in quickly.
It feels good to let yourself wallow, at first. Everything hurts so badly that you feel like you might cease to exist. You wish that you could be absorbed into the stone floor beneath you, to be forgotten but finally free from the strife that plagued you at every turn.
The punches never stop coming. At the moment you realize that this is just yet another shitty thing that’s happened to you, you reach the stage of acceptance.
Annie was gone. You were still here, and you and everybody else she left behind were left to deal with the aftermath.
Cooperating completely and totally was the only option you had if you wanted to seem at all trustworthy. You decide to tell Hanji everything you know, and in interviews you confess to everything you can recall.
It’s humiliating and degrading and even invasive at times, but you comply so you’ll regain their trust. You’re truthful in the hopes that you’ll be allowed to see her again, someday. Even if she is under guard, frozen in place, and unable to communicate.
If you can prove to the military that you’re worthy of trust, then you can help discover where she came from, or why she did the things she did. Maybe that way, one day if you ever do find a way to get her out then you’ll be the one who receives her.
Someday you want to understand how Annie could have looked you in the eye and lied to you so convincingly. You need to know how she could let you get so close to her when she was planning to kill you the whole time. Hopefully, she would be able to explain herself someday.
If only you could understand.
massive trigger warning for CSA in the following scene.
reader's backstory involves descriptions of child abuse in several forms - most of what's discussed is psychological or neglectful, but it is also HEAVILY implied that one of the younger brothers was sexually abused.
please skip a few paragraphs if you need to, or at the very least, be warned.
A week after what happened at Stohess, you’re still under careful supervision. And although you’re no longer handcuffed or in jail, there’s constantly somebody nearby watching you. You can’t even take a shower without somebody standing right outside the door.
Nearly everyone else treats you either like a scarlet-letter pariah or an airhead who was too dim-witted to realize Annie’s ‘master plan.’ You haven’t seen any of the people in your graduating class since the day of the fight, and you aren’t particularly looking forward to seeing them again if they’re judging you the way you’re judging yourself.
The whole time you’re being questioned, you comply. You tell them everything you knew, which was albeit not very much. Hanji was the only person in charge of your captivity who even bothers to speak to you, and therefore they are the only person you give vital information to.
During your interviews, you don’t include the details that are special to you – instead, you treasure them privately. All you say is “Yes, she did seem guilty when the topic came up.” You don’t correct them when they assume she was plotting every moment of every day. You leave out the parts where she cried inconsolably at the thought of all the death, all the destruction, and you leave out her apologies. They wouldn’t care anyway.
There’s no point in mentioning that she wasn’t all bad. No point in saying that she was gentle with you, and shy when it came to her feelings. It would just make you look like you were taking her side if you talked about her – and maybe you were to a certain extent.
“My biggest dream is to give up,” you remember her saying once. “I don’t care about any of this anymore. I’m so tired… I want to go home.” She clearly had regrets about what she’d done if she said that. You know her well enough to know when she’s bullshitting, and those emotions were genuine.
After what she did, the assumption that she’s a heartless monster is pretty easy to come by, but defending her to the military will only get you in trouble. Every night you cry yourself to sleep as you try to relive the happy memories on a loop.
It was bad enough that Annie and her crystal are doomed to stay in Stohess. You had to keep coming back to this horrible place when it’s all you want to leave behind. It’s so inconvenient – how are you supposed to visit her when you’re constantly bouncing around from one place to another with your Scout assignments?
The reality of the situation is that you won’t be able to. Keeping her where she is forces you to be under supervision at all times, forces you to stay under the watchful eye of the military. It solved the problem of imprisonment and containment in one fell swoop.
The first time you see her, about a week and a half has passed since what happened in the city. Every time you want to go down to visit her, you have to ask. There was a whole process including forms, wait time, and a bureaucratic review pending approval before you’re allowed to even think about going.
Even then, you’re not allowed to be alone with her at first. Much to your chagrin, a soldier stands at the entrance to the cavern staring you down the entire time you’re there. Genuinely, it’s humiliating. It highlights how little control you have over everything.
You walk up to the crystal awkwardly and acutely aware of being watched. At first, you’re too nervous and self-aware to do anything but pick at already-shredded cuticles. This is all you wanted for days, but now that you’re actually here you’re not quite sure what to do.
At first, you can’t bring yourself to even look at her. You have to take a moment to muster your courage before you’re able to actually do it. So much buildup and tension just for the same face you already know so well. It breaks your heart.
She looks exactly the same. Of course she does, she always will, for as long as she’s in there.
There’s so much you want to say to her. You have so much hurt inside of you that it overflows – where do you start? Even if you do ask all of your questions, will you be able to convey everything you feel? Will talking to her even make you feel better now that she can’t answer the hundreds of questions that you’re inevitably going to ask?
Blinking back tears, you swallow nervously to clear your throat. You don’t know where your stream of consciousness will take you, but starting somewhere is better than nowhere.
You keep your voice low so that the soldier accompanying you won’t be able to make out what you’re saying. Your lips are just inches away from the surface, as close as her prison will allow you to get.
“I want to be mad at you. Mostly, for lying to me. How could you do that to me, when I cared about you so much?”
You glare at the crystal, and at Annie’s unchanged expression deep within it.
“I wish that I could just be angry… I have so many emotions, really. I’m sad, and I miss you, and I feel betrayed. I’m not sure I have that right, since there are things I wasn’t honest about either. Like my parents. I was ashamed of them, and I didn’t even tell you they existed until you asked. And even then I still lied about them.”
“The real reason that I wanted to get away from them, and that I never went back… It didn’t have anything to do with what they did to me. Don’t get me wrong, they treated me horribly too, but… that wasn’t the final straw. On the surface they seem like perfectly nice people. Maybe that’s why I’m so resentful, because they really aren’t even assholes.”
It’s no surprise that her expression remains unchanged. So why do you keep looking at her, talking like you expect a response?
“I used to think they were evil, but now I think it’s more complicated than that. It’s not evil to be misguided. You were misguided, right? You had to be, or maybe I need you to be. That’s why you never wanted me to comfort you, why you didn’t think you deserved it, isn’t it? I can’t wrap my head around any of this. You did so many horrible things but you’re still not half as bad of a person as my parents were, and they were fucking celebrated in their community.”
“Shit, I’m still doing it. Being vague and skirting around the point. I’m sorry.” You look down at your shoes. “It’s only fair that now I know your secrets, that you should get to learn mine. I wish that you had gotten the chance to tell me in your own time. I really want to believe that you would have. Or would you have just kept pushing me away? Did you expect to just go back to wherever your home is and leave me here? Did you think I would be okay with that?”
You get so worked up that you find yourself hyperventilating, voice rising and your face getting hot. It’s too much, you have to physically turn away from the crystal while you take a moment for yourself, to cool down. Fighting tears and breathing hard, you try to shake away the anger.
You have the rest of your fucking life to be angry at her. The military gave you twenty minutes with Annie and the crystal, and you came here with a goal in mind.
Taking a deep breath to prepare yourself, you turn back around and continue on. You’re just going to say it. Get it over with so that you never have to talk about it again.
“My parents were members of the Church of the Walls. High-ranking ones, with generations of family members in the ranks. They used to take me with them to services and gatherings, for years. That’s why I hate crowds, and jewelry, and wearing dresses. It’s why I left Stohess behind so easily. It’s why my grandparents took us away. It’s why I ran away again after my brothers died. It defined every aspect of my life.”
“My parents only cared about being good Wallists. That, and making sure we were, too. The Church was the reason why my parents had three children – I was both the favorite for being the only daughter and the screwup for not being the third son. Every time anything went wrong, it was my fault.”
“We were expected to wear certain clothes, act a certain way. Go to services two or three times a week and memorize all the prayers. My brothers were too young to remember anything, I think. That’s my hope at least.”
“Apparently my grandparents didn’t even know about the Church. They didn’t know my parents were religious and they sure as hell didn’t know about the way they treated us. I don’t know why I never said anything before. Now that I’m older I can see all the red flags everywhere else. But you understand, don’t you? Isn’t that why you got caught up in… everything you did?” you gesture vaguely to the crystal. “You can’t see the red flags if it’s all you’ve ever known.”
Subconsciously, your brain conjures the image of your mother’s body beneath the sheet, her arm still linked with that of your dismembered father. It’s so visceral that it turns your stomach, but once again you find yourself laughing uncontrollably.
“I declined their inheritance so I don’t really know what’s happening with that. Kind of fucked up, but I’m a little relieved that I don’t have to keep living in a world where they’re still there. Even more fucked up? I’m a lot more upset that you’re still in this stupid chunk of rock than I am that you’re the one who killed them.”
You lower your voice so that the guard won’t hear, but you hold your face right next to the crystal. “I’ve thought about what I was going to say to you about this more than anything else. I don’t think you’re in the right for anything you did that day in Stohess, with one exception. When it comes to crushing the Church and the Wallists, more than anything all I have to say… is thank you.”
“Isn’t that so fucked up? You killed my parents and I’m on your side. If that doesn’t prove to you that I’m just as messed up in the head as you are then I don’t know what will. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t believe you did all of this… but every time I think of everyone in that Church dying so horribly I just–”
Your voice cracks, and you laugh deliriously. “I’m so glad they died screaming. The terror they felt in those final moments when they realized the Walls couldn’t protect them is worth more to me than I know how to put into words. I might not understand your motives, but for this one act of destruction… somebody forgives you. Thank you, and I forgive you.”
“I’m not as passive and naive as you always seemed to think. You were never delicate or waifish. I just didn’t realize you had so much power. I wish that you chose to use it for a better purpose… I wish that you felt like you could’ve come to me. What’s so important to you that you kept choosing to be a killer?”
“Shit,” you cut yourself off when you realize that even still, you’re still veering off topic. You were going to tell her the whole truth. That’s what you came here to do, not chastise her further. Surely she knows she’s in the wrong.
Just say it.
The laughter bubbles up again, inappropriately. This time it’s because you’re uncomfortable, and enraged. “I never told you why my grandparents took us away. I actually didn’t really get it until after the Wall fell once my parents started talking about destiny and the Will of Walls and all this bullshit.”
You swallow hard as you continue on. “Right after my youngest brother Joseph was born, my father got some kind of promotion within the ranks. After that, we started having to go to services at night, too. Honestly, they were really scary… I didn’t like to go inside the chapel. We could usually stay outside, me and my brothers. But one day, they made me hold the baby while they took Samuel back with them.”
“Things got bad after that. Samuel stopped eating, and he didn’t want to play with us anymore. My parents tried to pretend like nothing was happening. They would keep us apart, even during the day. My grandparents came to visit for the holidays that year and my parents kept Samuel from them, too. They knew something was wrong, I could tell… So I ended up telling them everything. We left that night, without anything. No clothes or toys. Just us kids.”
“So whenever Joseph and I came back to Stohess three years later after Sam died… the two of us were heartbroken. Without our brother we didn’t feel complete anymore, so it was weird when my parents didn’t feel the same way. They weren’t even upset he was gone. I thought I was going crazy at first but they almost seemed happy, relieved.”
“And then one day, I overheard a conversation after one of the nighttime services. It was the bishops who were interested in Samuel all those years ago. They said that the Walls had taken care of the problem for them, and it all just kind of clicked after that. Why everybody acted so weirdly about everything, and why nobody cared that he was dead. How the fuck are you supposed to live with something like that? In the same house as the people who allowed it to happen, who enabled it? How are you ever supposed to be in the same room as them again?”
Tears burn in your eyes, and your fingernails dig deep into the palms of your hands hard enough to draw blood.
“I didn’t even see the religion for what it really was until after my grandparents died. I was back living with my parents and suddenly I didn’t have a choice anymore. Maybe it was just because I was older but it was like my eyes were opened. It’s a fucking cult. The Church, and everybody who was blindly loyal to them, pushes you to find grace in suffering. Like that excuses the fact that they’re the ones making you miserable in the first place.”
“Joseph got sick not too long after that. I did tell you the truth about that. It was just a fever that burned too hot. His death didn’t even feel real until after the funeral. Everything became too much after that, when I realized I was alone. I threatened to my father that I’d run away and join the military once, and he told me that he wouldn’t follow me if I did. That I was a disappointment and he never wanted to see me again.”
“Hah, so that was it! A shining beacon of opportunity to get away and probably the only one I’d ever get. My father was true to his word and didn’t follow me, but my mom wanted me to come home. I never responded to any of her letters because I didn’t give a fuck about so-and-so from who-cares district’s son who could be a good fit for me.”
“Did you know that the Church encourages girls to be married off when they’re only fifteen? If I hadn’t joined the military, I’d be sold off by now. My parents made that much clear… Giving them grandchildren for the congregation was the only thing they saw me as good for. I don’t regret leaving. If I could go back in time the only thing I would do differently is to run away before my brother died. Maybe he would still be here if I’d taken him away from those people, and that place. ”
“I wish that I could have heard what you would say in response to all of this. Maybe if I had told you my secrets you would have trusted me. I keep thinking about what I would have done if you told me about all of yours… no matter how horrible they were. I don’t know. Fucking shit, I would have helped you run away if it meant you could go home. You could have taken me with you.”
Suddenly, it all becomes too much. It doesn’t have anything to do with the Church or your dead family – it has to do with the fact that despite all that loss, you never felt alone until now. All of a sudden, you have absolutely no one.
The military doesn’t trust you, and nobody else in your graduating class can do anything to help you while you’re in prison. The only person who cared about you enough to help you or who would have tried to visit you is frozen in stasis before you.
If her plan was to kill the people inside of the walls, then why the hell did she care about you so much? The way she acted around you, the way she opened up to you and cared about your safety, directly contradicts motivations of genocide.
Bitter tears roll down your cheeks as you focus on breathing. It takes you a minute to compose yourself once again. More than anything, you wish that you could see her reaction to everything you’re saying. It’s not fair that she gets to seal herself away and leave the aftermath for everyone else to deal with.
You need her to be alive.
Please, you beg silently, please be alive.
“I wish you’d say something. I feel like I’m talking to myself…” your voice cracks, and you take another minute to gather yourself before you continue. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. This is why I never talk about my family or my life before. It’s why I didn’t understand how you missed your dad.”
Honestly, you still don’t. She deserved better than someone who let her undertake such a horrible task, much less someone who pushed her toward it.
You lower your voice again, just in case the guard is listening in. “Our fathers aren’t the same. Mine never wrote to me because he didn’t want to, but I understand now why you miss yours. I’m sorry that you’ve been away from him for so long… even if I don’t know what it’s like to have a dad, you do. I wish I could have been there for you instead of consumed with my own issues. I wish that you would’ve let me be there for you...”
Monologuing to a crystal was humiliating enough. All at once you’re hit with the fear that she can’t actually hear you in there. You’re wasting your breath, and she got the last laugh weeks ago.
You can’t reconcile the idea of talking to gravestone so hard, that you put the idea out of your mind entirely. That couldn’t be an option, not when you needed her to hear what you’re saying.
“They said there’s a chance that you can’t even hear me now,” you whisper, and the idea is so overwhelmingly awful that you rest your forehead against the crystal. The cool surface helps, and you catch your breath. “But I think you can.”
“And that’s the real horror about all of this, right? That you’re going to stay in there instead of dealing with everything that’s happened. I would say ‘typical’ except this time it just isn’t funny. You’re seriously in there, just fucking sitting there. Is it really easier for you to stop existing like this, rather than face up to what you’ve done?”
“Part of me won’t ever forgive you. I wish that I was convinced everything you did was in my best interest, but I’m not. How could you be doing what you were doing and then start a relationship with me? Why didn’t you just push me away like you did everyone else?”
“I keep wondering if I’m part of the reason you chose to lock yourself away… that you want to avoid me just as much as the military interrogation. For someone who once begged me to stay alive no matter what, you’re being really fucking hypocritical. I always thought it was strange that you chose the words you did when you asked me to ‘be a coward’ if it meant I lived, but I think I understand that now, too.”
“It’s you who’s a coward. You aren’t even ashamed of it. Everything you did to me was so selfish, and you took me for an idiot. I thought you were a good person despite everything you said. I was so good to you and in return you lied to me and treated me like garbage.”
Now you’re genuinely starting to get upset. You choke back a sob and force yourself to breathe.
“When I think about the things you’ve done, part of me hates you. I don’t want anything to do with you… but then I remember the good things, too. I dream about you every single time I sleep. Every time I wake up there’s a minute where I forget everything that’s happened, and it’s like you could be just across the hall again, back when we first met.”
You stare at her unchanged face, passive and nearly sparkling with refracted light in the crystal. She looks peaceful for the most part, but there’s a distant sadness knitted into her eyebrows and in the downturn of the corners of her lips.
“Did you really love me?” you ask, empty of emotion.
It feels like you’re talking to yourself.
“The worst part is that in the end, I don’t hate you. Not all the way. I think… I think you might have really loved me. That’s the only reason I can come up with that you could do this to me, and leave me like this. In your own fucked up way, that’s your way of protecting me. But I resent that you pushed me away. I wish that I could have talked to you one last time.”
“If you can hear me, then listen: I don’t blame you for everything that’s happened. I mean, I do – it’s despicable. But I don’t blame you the way the military does. The person that I got to know wasn’t a monster. I don’t think you wanted to kill people... I saw the way it hurt you after Trost… I –” you stumble on your words.
You can’t talk about that. It hurts too much. You want to kick yourself for comforting her after she murdered your friends, and a part of you even wants to yell at her. Though you also remember the way she cried and shook, pushed you away. How she begged for forgiveness…
“No, don’t comfort me, I don’t deserve it. Or your kindness, or your love,” she had said. “It’s me that’s the issue. It always has been, You’re the one who deserves better.”
The memories come flooding through your mind again, like you’d gotten so used to over the past few days. Now that you’re sitting in front of her you find that you feel more hurt than anything. You’re angry and brokenhearted and confused, but mostly just betrayed.
“I saw your face when you were a Titan. You were scared. You cared that people died… I never understood why you pretended like you didn’t care. I thought you had anxiety, or you never properly learned how to talk to another person. Maybe you were embarrassed – that could still be true.”
Out of nervousness, you look over your shoulder to see if the soldier supervising you was actively paying attention. He was not, but you keep your voice low anyway.
“But in the end, I think you were ashamed. I knew that, on some level. I thought it had to do with your sexuality, maybe? Or maybe you just had trouble figuring out where you fit in. You acted like you hated everyone else. But now, I think that you hated yourself most of all. And I feel bad for you. I’ve always wanted better for you.”
You touch the crystal, flattening the palm of your hand against the surface. It’s cold, lifeless, just like the blonde girl inside.
“Ever since all of this has gone down, I’ve thought about everything that’s ever happened between us in a different way, trying to see when you were lying to me. And now that I know what you were doing, it all makes sense. Whenever the memories replay it’s like I watch all of the dots connecting, only it’s too late for me to actually do anything about it.”
“Do you think we’ll ever get to talk again, like we used to?” you ask her. This one-sided conversation wasn’t doing much for you besides making you feel lonely. “Have I hugged you for the last time without even knowing?”
It leaves you emotionally exhausted to think of either outcome. How are you ever supposed to move on if you never speak to her again? You can’t imagine gaining closure in her absence.
And if she does come out, you’re not sure how you’d feel anyway. Will you still be angry, would you be able to put everything aside? Are the feelings you once had for her strong enough, or genuine enough, that it won’t fade over time?
You’re not sure if you’ll ever look at her the same way you did once, with tenderness and love in your eyes. The heaviness of that sentiment breaks your heart – right now you care about her so much that it makes your chest ache. You don’t want the affection you have for her to fade, or to lose the feeling of warmth that she brought into your hear. If you lose it now, you’re worried that you’ll never be able to feel like that again.
The overwhelming feeling you’re left with is a stomach-churning mix of apprehension and fear, but not on your own behalf. It deeply upsets you to think that she chooses a dreamless limbo as her fate. Even if she is in there, how might this affect her in the long run?
“I know why you lied to me now. I get it, and sometimes, I forgive you. You were terrified, that much was clear from the beginning. I always knew that you were hiding something, but I just thought you were unhappy where you were. Only now I realize that your world is so much bigger than what’s inside of these walls.”
“It was never the military, or even Paradis, really, that you wanted to escape. It was your whole life. You never wanted any of this. I’m sorry that you were put into such a shitty position. I wish you had let me understand… maybe I will someday.”
That’s all you want, really. In the darkest times, you retreat to your favorite daydream. There are no sharp details, just fuzzy glimpses of intimacy and happiness that you’ve learned is all too fleeting. You’re together, happy. Safe. Does anything else matter?
From across the room, the solider assigned to watch you finally speaks up.
“Your twenty minutes are up.”
Panic stirs up in your gut. There’s still so much you wanted to tell her, and to ask her about. Is this really all you get for now? You try to reassure yourself that she isn’t going anywhere, that you’ll have plenty of time to think about what else you need to say. It only adds to your fear concerning the situation.
You wipe away your tears. “Okay. I’m coming.”
It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that this is what interaction will be like from now on, if you could even call it that. All you’re doing is staring up at her sadly.
She never had been much of a talker. It breaks your heart that she’s having to pay such a steep price – you wanted to know more. More about why she would hide away when you know she has answers that would save her. More about where she came from and why she did such horrible things.
There’s still something more that she’s running away from. Something that haunts her, a nameless evil. Even still, she’s protecting you.
What was the point of theorizing? You know no theory you can come up with will be close to the truth.
Tiredness overwhelms you as you reach the entryway of the cavern, next to your escort. The guard is already holding the door open waiting for you to go on through. You shake your head, and for the millionth time hold back your tears.
“I need a second,” you cry, turning around so that he won’t see your display of emotions. You try and ignore the sigh of annoyance you get in response.
Before you leave her, you look at Annie one last time. You take no comfort in seeing her here or in imagining what it must be like for her. It brings you no peace to know that she lies sleeping beneath the city you hate more than anywhere else, trapped in the cold and the dark.
Finally, you force yourself to dry your tears. These brief visits are all you’re allowed to have whether you like it or not, and you know deep down that you’ll have to learn to accept the situation as it is.
It feels like you’re leaving everything behind, on a certain level. You can’t pinpoint when exactly it happened, when you stopped caring so much. Maybe it was sometime in the endless overlapping hours you spent thinking all too much while stuck in jail. Maybe it was before that, when you were covered in dust and blood in the wreckage of the city above.
You feel empty. The hurt is still there, and it will demand to be acknowledged. Yet for now, you push it aside. Right now you embrace the numbness of feeling nothing. If that’s the only way you can get through the hardest parts, then so be it.
After all, you have a promise to keep. You can’t let her down when there’s still a sliver of possibility that she’s alive inside that crystal.
Now, with the numbness inside of you easing the ache, you do something that you never thought you’d be able to do without Annie.
You walk away.
im just as traumatized as y'all... STILL PLEASE YELL AT ME THOUGH. MAKE THE PAYOFF WORTH IT. IM SCREAMNIG TOO.
extended commentary :re the CSA warning - i swear to god that i tried to approach the topic of abuse suffered by lil brother Samuel from a human-sacrifice angle but... it just didn't work . i couldn't make it better so i hesitantly decided to try and roll with it. i've always said that Annie needs someone who is just as traumatized as she was but uh. this one hurts my heart a little more than the rest of it.
#clawing my eyes out screaming and crying etc#annie-isms#cottagecanon#writing for my wives#annie leonhardt#annie leonhardt x you#annie leonhardt x reader#annie leonhardt x y/n#annie leonhart#annie leonhart x you#annie leonhart x reader#annie leonhart x y/n#attack on titan#attack on titan x reader#attack on titan x you#attack on titan x y/n#snk#snk x reader#attack on titan fanfic#attack on titan fanfiction#snk fanfic#snk fanfiction#aot#aot fanfic#aot fanfiction#aot x reader
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I've lost my mind
hi everyone, sorry for uploading so late but here you go a long chapter, likes and reblogs are expected since I should get at least 20 likes for my efforts;(
pairing: Taehyung x reader
genre: angst,fluff??, strangers to lovers, abusive parents, depression, sadness, Tae is a total gentleman:)
Summary: Depressed reader meets Taehyung, he promises to protect you, your stepfather is the biggest rival in the story,
will your love end or will you be able to endure all the pain and strive to be his?
Continue...
You wake up just to find him sleeping on the corner of the bed and a pout plastered on his face. 'Cute' you thought. You couldn't help but smile while looking at his face however, the smile soon faded away when you looked up to the small clock on the headboard.
9 : 45 a.m.
You're doomed. Totally doomed. You had to be on time for your school, and even did not go to home since last night. God knows what is coming to you today. Last time you got home late you were locked up in the basement with no food or water given to you for the whole day and ended up in the hospital the next day.
"Ohh you got up finally" the deep voice cut your thoughts.
"Ah yeah, thank you so much for giving me shelter but I swear I gotta go" you said getting up from the bed, neither caring for the wounds in your leg and back nor worrying about anything else, everything you cared for was to get to school no matter what you have to make it school not to mention the school starts from 10 a.m.
"wait-"
"I swear if I could but I can't miss school, I am really sorry, bye" you said. Picking up your bag and phone, you marched hurriedly towards the exit.
time skip
You finally reached the school but shit. You saw your stepfather already standing at the gate totally looking furious. You took a deep breath and thought of all the excuses you can come up with if he asks you where exactly you were.
"Oh so look who is here! My dearest daughter had fun all night away from home probably! " He said sarcastically.
"Da-" before you could say, the bell rang to allert all the students to get into their classes.
"Go inside, I'll talk to you later!"
Here we go again, you never get to defend yourself, why? Because maybe he thinks that he is the most powerful person in the world or maybe because you are not his real child because you're his step daughter. So what? What about your mother? She's locked up in the basement from days and not even allowed to meet her own child neither she is even allowed to die without his permission. What about your real father? He was killed by your step father. There's no point in living with him but where would you even go? You only have some property left in your name that was also given by your real father. And maybe that's why he's keeping you in his house. What after you sign the papers? Probably you and your mother would be killed.
You are not sure what he's going to do to you today but you just shrug it off since you are used to it now.
You get into your class and start walking towards your desk. "The toxic girl sits here" "Why don't you die" "Just die" "Get lost from this school" "Such a slut" "loser" "nerd" "fuck you bitch", things that were written and marked on your desk. Why do they do this to me? I'm a human too. It's not fair. I'm so tired;( It's been a year since I met mom. God knows what he's doing to her in that damn basement. Is he even giving her to eat or not? How is my mom? It hurts so much thinking how much he might torture her inside there.
"Goodmorning class, let's start our class. I'm your new professor Kim Taehyung." cuts you off from your thoughts.
You look forward at him emotionlessly. He was dressed nicely in a white shirt with the first two buttons unbuttoned and a black blazer tugged with a black suit pant at the bottom. Probably a rich guy , you thought.
"Let me know a bit about you all. Please introduce yourselves." he said. He can't see you since you are in the last bench.
"Hi Mr. Kim I'm Laura Park. You can call me Laura."
"Ok Nice to meet you Laura" he says with a cold tone. He remembers her since she was the one who bullied you.
"Hello . I'm Alex."
"Okay Alex you can sit down".
Few more students and then finally its your turn. His head shot up looking at you when you stood up.
"Hello professor. I'm Lee y/n " you said in a cold way.
"Hey there. Nice to meet you y/n . You can take your seat" he said throwing a soft smile to you.
All the girls started looking in a sarcastic way being jealous the way the professor talked to you so normally and softly.
You were sitting peacefully with earphones plugged in and listening to your favourite playlist . The song "his daughter" started playing and you almost lost yourself in the music when a harsh slap was thrown at your face.
"ugh!" you cried
"Why the hell are you not in the canteen already? Haan? Such a bitch you are. Did you forget your lesson?" Laura said angrily.
Fuck you thought. Never mind. Forget it y/n . Don't lose yourself. Not again. Let me show her who you are today.
"When will you stop beating me? Haan? Do I look like a joke to you? " You said furiously. Anger and pure rage surrounding you totally. The monster is coming back again. Shit.
"Woah! Look at her shouting at me. You want to learn your lesson again. Don't you? " She said laughing like a maniac.
"Let me show you today Laura, who I am" you said throwing a hard punch on her face that she might have almost broke her teeth.
"Ouch, you bitch" she said bringing a steel bottle to hit you. But before she could, you kicked her hard on the leg.
"I'm warning you bitch. Don't wake up the monster inside me. I swear to god you will die if it does!" you said at the point your voice didn't sound human at all. You hardly gave her a few more slaps until she started wincing in pain. You got up and took your bag and went outside of the class not even caring about the drops of blood that were falling from the corner of your lips .
You were totally occupied by anger. Couldn't think of anything else but just wanted to end your life. You walked towards the school terrace and stood up on the railing.
"When did my life become like this? Why is my life like this? Why only my life out of all the people? When will my life be happy again? Why don't you kill me God? Why am I even suffering this? I'm getting tired of my life. WHY? WHY CAN'T I BE HAPPY LIKE THOSE OTHER PEOPLE? MY STOMACH IS HURTING! WHAT DO I DO? IS IT MY FAULT TAKING BIRTH IN THIS CRUEL WORLD? JUST KILL ME INSTEAD!? MY LIFE IS A MESS. WILL I EVER BE HAPPY AGAIN? I'VE NOT SMILED FROM YEARS! IT HURTS! IT HURTS A LOT! I TRY TO DIE ALL THE TIME BUT WHAT ABOUT MY MOTHER? I CAN'T LEAVE HER ALONE WITH THAT MONSTER!!" you shouted till the point you didn't even care if anyone could hear you or not. You wiped off your tears and said to yourself that you won't die so fast. You need to get your revenge on your step father and meet your mother and help her escape this place. Only then you would be able to die happily.
"Hey are you okay?" the deep voice cut you off again.
You stepped back from the railing and looked towards him with no emotions showing in your face. Why does he have to be everywhere you are?
"Y/N are you okay?" he said again.
"No I'm not! YES I'M NOT! DO YOU HAVE ANY PROBLEM? WHY ARE YOU HERE NOW? " you lost yourself again.
"I was just wondering where were you"he said.
"Don't wonder about me please! I don't like anyone thinking about me. Please! Stop thinking about me! I HAVE MY OWN PROBLEMS IN MY LIFE. " you said .
You walked away cutting off his next sentence before he could even speak anything. You walked away wiping off your tears.
How can you think of me not to think about you, darling. I've waited a long enough time. I can't anymore, jagiya. Just a few more days, I promise. I will take you away from these rubbish people. I promise, my love. He thought.
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Hello :)
cactus, daffodil, sage, camellia? (ask game)
cactus ⇢ something you’re currently learning (about)?
Besides learning about life? Lately I've been learning about borderline personality disorder (which I got diagnosed with a few months ago). And I've started Spanish on Duolingo (it's going terrible tho <3)
camellia ⇢ what were you like when you were younger? do you think you’ve changed a lot?
Ohh, this is a difficult question. I think I've changed a lot, maybe even too much. Besides becoming more mentally ill (lol), I've lost a part of myself that I wanted to get rid of a long time ago. I just don't care about a lot of things now, I'm interested in things I wouldn't have thought I'd be interested in when I was younger, I swear much more often, etc. At least I'm not so quiet anymore, I can speak up for myself and maybe I'm a little more confident (sometimes too much). Some things haven't changed tho a I feel emotions more intensely than I did back then. I think I'm now the complete opposite of who I used to be, but it's not something I dislike.
daffodil ⇢ do you have siblings? if yes, in what ways do you think you’re similar to or different from them?
Sorry, I'm an only child 😔
sage ⇢ what ‘medium’ of art (poetry, music, fiction, paintings, statues etc.) is the most touching to you? why do you think that is?
Any form of art can be as touching as the other ones, it all depends on how much effort and ambition someone has put into their work. Although I'd say that the most touching is poetry, it helps me to process my own feelings. It's such a shame that so many modern poets are just illiterate idiots (e.g. Rupi Kaur, but Yves Olade is the loml).
random get-to-know-me ask game
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Like A Catabolic Seed (I Want To Destroy Everything That's Mine)
Something's wrong with Neil.
He knows that much, and the others know too. He tries to hide it anyway. Don't worry about it, guys, I'm fine, honest-- No, not honest, and certainly not fooling anyone. But he puts on the act anyway.
Beneath the washed-out yellow bathroom light, he wraps a bandaid around his paper cut and pauses to take a long hard look at himself in the mirror. Pushing back his overgrown bangs reveals bloodshot eyes whose colour looks a little off. Maybe it's just the lighting... yeah, that's what he'd say if someone asked, but deep down he knows that's not it. His stomach turns with discomfort. Below those discoloured eyes, his skin is pale and clammy, seeming to press a little tighter than usual around his cheekbones. And ooh, his mouth... it's itching again. Lately he's had the urge to gnaw on things like a teething puppy. And they're not acting up right now, but his forehead and shoulderblades have been periodically aching in a way he hasn't felt since teenage growing pains. Finally, his fingernails need to be trimmed--when did they get so long and sharp?
Well, he can't do anything about 83.3% of his problems, but at least he can trim his nails. He reaches for the vanity and--
The glass cracks as suddenly as the lightning bolt that struck him the day before. Neil staggers back, eyes wide, hands instinctively clutching at his chest. He can feel his pounding heart, and... it's wrong. The rhythm is all wrong. His breaths come quick and shallow and distorted, wrong. Gosh, his teeth really hurt. He runs his tongue around the inside of his mouth and ooh, that's not the shape those teeth should be but more importantly, man, I could really go for a nice bloody steak right now. Just the thought of sinking his teeth into flesh makes him start salivating right there in front of the broken bathroom mirror.
Never mind the nail clippers. He can just chew them down--not a usual habit of his, but in this case it'll be killing two birds with one stone. And oh does he ever want those two birds dead. Heck, he wants the whole flock demolished and served to him on a silver platter!
Back in the living room, his friends are waiting for him with matching concerned looks etched across their faces. Neil takes a seat next to them and forces a grin.
"Everything okay, Neil?" Kevin asks.
"Yeah, you sure took a while in there," Ryan adds with a questioning tilt of his head.
Dang it, did he really zone out for that long? Skin prickling, Neil gulps and looks away. "Sorry, guys. I had trouble finding the right bandaids."
"Ohh... my condolences, friend." Ryan smiles, appeased by the excuse, and pats him on the arm. "I've had that same trouble more times than I can count."
They carry on with their house of cards like normal. It all ends in bad luck, but Neil barely notices. He zones out for a moment, thinking about how easy it would be to tear the whole deck of cards to shreds with his overgrown nails, and then how easy and fun it would be to tear apart the couch and the whole clubhouse and his friends' bodies and-- No, wait, I don't want to do that, what am I...? And next thing he knows the fire alarm is blaring and Kevin is whipping out the fire extinguisher. A few flecks of foam spray onto Neil's cheek. He hisses as he flicks them away, nearly slicing his own cheek open in the process.
This is no good. If they're going to make a webisode this week, he needs to get his act together. Luckily, Neil knows just the thing.
*
Fortuna Daemonium, also known as corpse puppet demons, have a tried-and-true operating system. They rely on humanoid host bodies, but lack other demons' ability to directly possess a living host. No, they can only inhabit inanimate objects, rudimentary plant life, and--as their colloquial name suggests--corpses.
In its larval stage, the demon takes the form of an item which mortals can't resist picking up. Upon contact with a suitable host body, the demon bestows a bad luck curse upon the (un)lucky mortal. Once the curse kills the mortal, the demon is free to transfer itself into their body and take control. The trouble only comes when a demon acts too hastily.
A direct lightning strike against an unguarded mortal should have been fatal. It should have! Was the luck demon truly such a fool for thinking, as its host crumpled to the ground with a smoking crater in his chest, that it was free to propagate? And yet when it sent forth its demonic seed, it ran up against a barrier. The human's brain and soul were--and indeed are--still active. The demon can't possess him yet. Frustrating, yes, but not the end of the world. It just has to keep triggering bad luck events, and eventually something is bound to keep the mortal down.
But there might be a problem. Some humans' blood is far purer than others, and they ingest all kinds of terrible things, so as a precaution Fortuna Daemonium release demonic toxins into the host's bloodstream before taking them over. The toxins essentially provide a makeover that renders the corpse (normally it would be a corpse at this point!) more habitable for the demons, and better suited to their violent needs. If released into a living being, however...
There are a few recorded accounts of such a folly, but accounts of what happens to either the host body or demon differ greatly--unsurprising, when these events rarely leave behind survivors. It seems humans can fight with surprising ferocity if they think there's a chance it will save someone dear to them.
*
Sitting on his bed with his legs drawn up and his shoulders hunched, Neil lowers the horseshoe necklace over his head with an unexpected tremble in his hands. His fingers twitch and jerk involuntarily like they don't want to touch the good luck charm--which is pretty silly of them, because those hands are high on the list of body parts that could use better luck. He takes a deep breath in and releases the string on the exhale. There, now he'll be safe from the...
Safe from...
Neil hears and smells his sizzling flesh before he feels it. But when the sensation does reach his nerves, oh, does he ever feel it. Screaming in agony, he rips the necklace off and flings it across the room. It bounces off the wall and lands with a clatter next to his trunk full of puppets.
Panting, he stares down at himself. Twin trails of smoke wind like lazy rivers off the points where either end of the horseshoe briefly connected with his skin. At least his shirt isn't completely ruined, but it's a tiny bit singed around the collar. Maybe he should wear a jacket today, so the guys don't get suspicious. Yeah, yeah, and if they ask he can say...
"Wait, who cares about keeping up appearances?" he cuts himself off. "I've got bigger fish on my plate right now. Like: since when am I allergic to horseshoes?"
And why is there a ringing in his ears as he slinks cautiously toward the discarded necklace? Why, as he reaches for it, does a hiss escape his bared fangs? Why does he have fangs and claws all of a sudden when two days ago his teeth and nails were perfectly normal and flat? He blinks against the strain of his headache, and--hey, were his eyelids always oriented that way? His shoulders twinge as he kneels down, and he could swear there's something swelling up beneath the skin, just like it feels like something's swelling at the top of his skull. There's no bruising, no recent injuries apart from the lightning strike which could account for all this. He reaches for the horseshoe with a trembling hand--his skin has taken on a yellowish hue now, and the veins on the underside of his wrist are green, which he's pretty sure isn't a normal human colour--and braces himself for a scalding sensation.
If he clutches the horseshoe for long enough, will it drive out whatever evil force has lodged itself inside him? Or will it just kill him?
"This is no good," Neil laments. Chickening out at the last second, he retracts his hand and drops it in his lap. The horseshoe goes untouched. "I need to ask Ryan for advice. He knows all about curses and stuff."
(Kevin might know something too, since he moonlights as a ghostbuster, but that's different. Kevin would worry if he knew. Ryan wouldn't worry. Would he? Neil won't tell him if it'll make him worry.)
*
Neil shows up for work wearing a horseshoe necklace and a big nervous grin. And colour contacts, apparently, unless his eyes were bright green the whole time and Ryan never noticed. But no matter, they have a webisode to film.
Ryan gets in the car and turns the engine over. For a moment he tenses, hairs standing on end in anticipation of something dreadful happening. But nothing does. Kevin climbs in beside him, and Neil allocates himself to the backseat, where he sits with his knees pressed tight together and his nails digging into the upholstery and his mouth all clamped up like he's got a case of lockjaw.
"Neil, you haven't stepped on any rusty nails lately, have you?" Ryan asks, shooting his friend a glance in the rearview.
Neil blinks in surprise, and oh dear, his eyes are definitely not supposed to be that colour and his eyelids are not supposed to go that way. It's an exciting new look, but not a style Ryan thought Neil would go for.
"Huh? Uh, no, I don't think so."
"You'd better not have," Kevin admonishes. "I've warned you guys about playing barefoot at the abandoned nail factory."
Despite the increasing worry about Neil's condition, they reach the warehouse they've decided to film at and get through a productive rehearsal without much issue. Eventually they encounter another bout of bad luck: one of their cameras acts up, and when Neil leans in to carefully adjust the lense, the entire piece of equipment crumbles to dust. That garners a concerned eyebrow raise from Kevin, which Ryan acknowledges with a tight-lipped nod: Indeed, something's not right with him. But clearly Neil doesn't want to talk about it, so what can they do? At least the curse or whatever it is isn't hurting him directly anymore.
Kevin heads off to buy a replacement camera while Ryan and Neil set up the rest of the equipment. Nothing goes wrong, and Ryan manages to relax a little. He almost wonders if there's no curse after all, and Neil is right to accuse him and Kevin of being paranoid. Nothing really bad has happened since the lightning strike, and those are usually random anyway, so...
But then Neil goes stiff. The chair he was moving drops from his hands in a clatter and he leans over it for support, hissing like a feral cat in distress. Ryan rushes to his side and holds him upright--he's clammy to the touch, and green-tinted veins pulse frantically beneath his skin. Brushing his bangs aside, Ryan lays a hand against Neil's head to check for fever.
Oh. Oh, there are some very strange lumps on Neil's forehead. That's... not good. Icy dread stirs in Ryan's gut as he pats his friend down.
"Say, Neil, what are those protrusions?" he asks, trying and failing to keep his voice from shaking. "You're not... sick, are you?"
Neil doesn't answer. His discoloured eyes are glazed over, and his breathing is shallow yet echoey, like it's coming from far away. The horseshoe necklace dangles loosely around his neck. Too loosely, for a heavy steel object.
Something snaps into place in Ryan's mind, and he jerks back with a gasp.
"An electric car! With the luck you've been having, its magnetized engine should have attracted your horseshoe... unless..." He rips off the necklace, and his hand closes around moulded plastic. "Ah-hah! You thought you could fool us with a fake horseshoe necklace? But--" Triumphant revelation gives way to an even deeper concern and bewilderment. "Why not wear a real horseshoe? A smart man like you should know the plastic ones never work."
Neil's shoulders spasm. His head jerks back, and his bangs fall back into place to conceal the tumours on either side of his forehead. His mouth moves to whisper something. It sounds like he's saying Ryan's name.
"I'm here, Neil," Ryan assures him, laying a hand on his friend's arm to hold him steady. "I'm right here."
"No... Ryan..." Neil shakes his head, and it looks like the motion hurts. Thin streams of blood trickle down from beneath his bangs. He bares his teeth in a grimace and they're so much sharper than they're supposed to be. "Run away."
And that's the only warning Ryan gets.
*
Neil's head is going to kill him. And that's not just a dramatic way of saying it hurts a normal amount; no, it really and truly feels like his skull is going to burst open and splatter his brains everywhere. He tries to breathe in and out evenly, like that'll help. But he can't catch his breath, nor slow his frantic pulse. His body shakes, and oh my god it hurts so bad help please guys you have to help me it hurts it hurts it hurts--
Ryan is saying something. Neil can't hear the words over the buzzing in his head, but the tone sounds reassuring. It's funny--Ryan is rarely the reassuring type, but when he is it's almost maternal. Neil wants to lean into his friend's touch, to listen to those calming words and fool himself into thinking he's gonna be okay.
But his fangs and claws itch to tear something apart. And if Ryan doesn't get out of the way--
"Run away," Neil pleads. There should be tears pricking at his eyes, and it feels almost like there are--his eyes are hot and irritated, and there's something wet sliding down his face now--but his tear ducts seem to have sealed up. He can feel something slithering out of his back, like being stabbed in reverse. "Please--you can't--I don't want to--"
Is he pleading to Ryan now, or to the thing he's becoming? It doesn't make a difference anyway. Neither of them listen.
Neil doesn't mean to swing his hand in an upward arc, claws extended. He doesn't mean for those talons to shred the front of Ryan's jacket and dig into the flesh beneath. He doesn't mean to send Ryan falling back, jaws parting in silent shock, or to then leap on top of him while he's down and bury his fangs in his shoulder. He doesn't want to do any of it.
But also... maybe he does want to do it. His pulse settles into a regular rhythm at last, a healthy pitter-patter of excitement, and he can taste the saliva swelling in his mouth when he rips a chunk out of his friend's shoulder and worries it between his teeth. The pain is finally gone. Now it's just a rush of exhilaration. Neil breaks into a giddy grin as Ryan screams and writhes beneath his claws.
This is going to be fun.
*
Their equipment still isn't set up when Kevin returns. That's the first thing he notices, and he frowns at the sight of the filmmaking gear strewn around like furniture after a robbery. His frown deepens when he spots his friends jumping around in the shadowy corner of the warehouse, apparently play-fighting--complete with disturbingly realistic screams and growls and hisses. What is this, a warrior cats roleplay? Eccentric as they are, Neil and Ryan are professionals; they should know better than to goof off at a time like this.
"C'mon, guys," he says, clapping his hands together like an animal trainer as he approaches them. "Let's get to--"
The scent of blood hits his tongue, and Kevin's breath catches in his throat. What are they... this isn't another one of Ryan's creepy rituals, is it? He flicks a lightswitch on to illuminate the warehouse. When he does, his blood runs cold.
Four leathery green wings protrude from Neil's back. No, not quite leathery--they're rounded, and they look delicate, like leaves. Less delicate-looking are the golden horns sticking out the top of his head, with swelling around the base and trails of blood running down from where they protrude. Just looking at the extra body parts makes Kevin cringe. Those definitely weren't there before, and it looks like their growth wasn't pleasant.
But his sympathy for Neil is dampened by what he's doing. Rather, what he's already done. Ryan sways on his feet with a sickly expression, arms wrapped tight around his own torso like he's trying to hold his guts in. Maybe he is. There's a lot of blood streaming down his face and matting his hair and staining his tattered clothes. One section of his sleeve is torn away, revealing a flash of exposed bone where flesh has been shredded.
Kevin takes this all in as a tableau, his friends both having froze in place like deer in headlights when he flicked the light on. It's several breathless, stomach-churning seconds until Ryan turns his wide-eyed stare on Kevin. He opens his mouth to say something--a plea for help? A warning to stay back? Some odd little overly casual remark, haha, typical Ryan yeah I bet he's not even bothered by this sure yeah he probably likes it, we know him, what a weirdo--
But Neil--if this even is still Neil--lunges before Ryan can speak. He grabs Ryan by the collar and flings him across the room, where he crashes against a radiator with a pained yelp and crumples to the ground. Neil grins, exposing a row of gore-caked fangs, and leaps forward to finish the job.
"Hey!" Kevin rushes forward with no plan in mind, just protective instinct. "Get away from him!"
He grabs Neil's leg and pulls him to the ground moments before those claws would have slit Ryan open. Neil hisses and squirms around, but Kevin locks his arms around him--though not without getting an armful of fangs. Diluted by adrenaline, he barely registers the pain, but he can see blood leaking through his shirt sleeve and his stomach hitches at the dull scrape of enamel against bone. Drawing in a shaky breath, Kevin closes his hand into a fist and draws it back. "Sorry about this, bud."
He clubs Neil in the back of the neck, like they do to knock people out in TV shows. Neil spasms at the contact and goes still. For a split-second Kevin is terrified he hit him too hard--but no, he still has a steady pulse, albeit one with an alien rhythm. Thinking fast, Kevin peels off his flannel shirt and ties it around Neil to bind his arms and those creepy wings (which upon closer inspection look like plant matter, but a tear in the lower right one--Ryan must have gotten a few hits in during their scuffle--is bleeding, and it's definitely not sap. He considers just ripping the wings off, but... no. Possessed or not, he doesn't want to hurt Neil.) Once that's done, he sits back on his heels to catch his breath. The pain from his freshly sustained wound creeps in now, and man does it ever sting. And that's just one bite, so he can't imagine how bad it is for...
Ryan. Oh, god, Ryan. Snapping back to grim urgency, Kevin scrambles across the room to his fallen friend in such a hurry that he trips over his own feet. He falls to his knees at Ryan's side and turns him over, shuddering at the glassy look in his eyes.
"Hey, stay with me, man," he commands. "We need a plan, and whatever's up with Neil looks like a two-person job."
"Mmn... a plan. Yes." Ryan rolls his head back and shifts slightly. "I definitely... have... a plan..."
His mannerisms are those of someone reluctant to rise from bed on a cold winter morning. Kevin's certainly been there, and the thought of such a simple shared experience makes him half-smile despite the circumstances. That smile fades when Ryan's face contorts in pain and he curls in on himself with a hiss. After a few shallow trembling breaths he speaks again, more faintly this time.
"I think Neil... is possessed. An exorcism may be in order. But there could be--" He coughs, and blood dribbles from his lips-- "another way. If..."
He trails off, head lolling to the side. Kevin waits expectantly for him to pick back up, but... nothing. Swallowing down a spike of anxiety, he props Ryan up and brushes a strand of sweat-and-blood-soaked hair out of his unfocused eyes.
"What's the plan, Ryan?" he prompts. "C'mon."
No answer. There's so much blood seeping through Ryan's jacket. Is it too much? He's not sure. It looks like too much.
"Ryan."
Nothing.
"Ryan!"
*
Neil stirs from a dreamless sleep to the sound of a dripping faucet. There's a damp chill to his surroundings that makes the human part of him shiver even though the demonic part is unbothered. He opens his eyes to find himself surrounded by four rough-hewn dark gray walls; the floor and ceiling are the same material. There's a busted pipe sticking out of one wall which seems to be the source of the dripping. In the far left corner is a staircase leading up.
What is this, a basement? Ugh, I hate basements... Neil hisses in annoyance and tries to move, only to find himself bound by ropes. Twisting his head around, it looks like he's tied to a wooden column, the way pirates used to tie up their prisoners. Uh oh. Am I gonna be executed?
As if in answer to that question, the sound of footsteps alerts him to a human descending the stairs. It's one of the same humans Neil was playing with earlier--the one with the short dark hair and the flannel (he knows their names, but that information is locked away right now). But he's not wearing flannel anymore, just a plain white t-shirt and jeans and... what is that, a backpack? No, it's something else, something Neil recognizes, but... his head feels funny. It's like his mind is splitting in two, and the half that's in control right now doesn't know or care about mortals or any of their strange devices. He just wants to torture and kill and eat them!
The mortal flicks a lightswitch. Neil flinches at the too-bright yellow glow that flickers on overhead, curling in on himself like a dying plant and hissing like a vampire. Only when his eyes adjust does he realize the lights were off a moment ago. Come to think of it, his surroundings did look a little washed out, but he could see everything perfectly. Woah, I can see in the dark, he realizes with a grin. Cool!
"So... Neil." The mortal strides slowly over to him and comes to a stop a foot away. He unhooks something from his backpack and points it at Neil as he speaks. It looks like one of those weapons mortals use--the kind they only bring out when they're really serious. So it's surprising when the mortal's first question is: "You okay?"
"Huh? Uh, yeah..." It's not a lie; the ropes might be a bit tight, but they're not hurting him. Heck, he can barely feel them, nor can he feel the cut on his wing or the spot where the mortal clubbed him to knock him out. Demons aren't built to feel that kind of stuff. "How about you? That arm looks pretty bad."
He nods to the appendage in question. The bandages look hastily applied, and he can smell that the wound isn't fully closed. The bloodscent is simultaneously enticing and sharply concerning. The latter reaction is surprising, moreso when Neil reminds himself that he did that, and it's nothing compared to what he did to the other mortal.
"I'll live," the mortal replies tersely. Only his inflection is more like "I'll live," as in yeah, he'll live, but somebody else won't.
"Is that supposed to be a threat?" Neil wonders aloud. The testy look he gets from the mortal in response seems to confirm it. "Pshaw, you mortals are so pathetic! What are you gonna do to me?"
The mortal cocks an eyebrow, and one corner of his lips twitches into a smirk. It's an amused expression--or no, the human side of Neil recognizes, a wry and weary one. It's all in the tired eyes: this mortal is not having fun. He raises his weapon and presses its tip against Neil's upper abdomen.
"Oh, you'll see what I can do to you."
*
Throughout this exchange, the true Fortuna Daemonium is silently screaming from within its four-leafed prison. Such sickening irony, to be confined to a clover pinned to the shirt of its would-be host body! And there's nothing else nearby to transfer itself to--nothing that would be any more useful, at least. Exiting the clover without transferring to a new vessel is out of the question. That would expose it to human eyes, which is probably just what the human with the proton pack wants.
Yes, Fortuna Daemonium know exactly what that device is called. It's imprinted in their collective consciousness, ever since the incident several decades ago when a group of four middle-aged mortals wielding such weapons managed to wipe out a whole colony of demons. If this newly demonic mortal isn't careful, its naive taunting will get both it and the Fortuna Daemonium captured at best and demolished at worst.
Only one way out of this situation, then. A bad luck event at a scale that can reduce mortal and half-demon alike to corpses fit for possession. As the two humanoids continue their exchange, Fortuna Daemonium tunes them out and channels its energy into summoning a natural disaster.
*
"Hey, where's the other mortal, anyway?" Neil asks, tilting his head. "He was fun to play with. His blood was delicious."
The mortal (Kevin, something in the back of his head supplies--the wall between things the demon knows and things it chooses to forget is crumbling) stiffens at that. He raises his head to stare into the ceiling light and waits until his eyes begin to water before speaking in a low voice.
"Yeah, I'll bet it was. But we pathetic humans only have so much blood we can lose, you know."
Neil blinks. Something about those words send a shiver down his spine... but they shouldn't. He's a demon, isn't he? What does he care about mortals getting hurt? He's just gonna eat them anyway. Sure, they're more fun to play with when they're alive, but... hey, what do those two specific specimens matter? There's whole cities full of potential prey! And here he is all worried about...
About...
"But he's okay, right?" he asks despite himself, or maybe exactly because of himself and despite the thing he's become. The question slips out as a nervous little squeak. "He has to be okay. We still need to film our webisode, and the script calls for all three of us--"
What is he talking about? It's like he's on autopilot now, human mind running on instinct and overpowering the demonic influence. There's that sensation of the bisected mind again, and the thing that calls itself Neil is standing on the brink with the ground splitting under it. He doesn't know which side he wants to land on anymore--powerful demon or feeble emotional human. All he can do is babble out his instinctive pleas for the status quo.
"--And we can't find a replacement on such short notice!"
"Well, maybe you should've thought about that--" Kevin's voice crescendos into a yell as he jabs the proton gun into Neil's ribs-- "Before you murdered him!"
...What?
"Oww," he whines at the jab of the weapon before his human side can fully process the mortal's words. Kevin's finger trembles over the trigger. There's a scent emanating from the weapon that makes Neil's hairs stand on end. It's not quite electric, not quite acidic, but he knows on an instinctive level that he can't let it touch him. If he does...
His fragile human side catches up just then. Tears well in his eyes. When he blinks them back, he finds that his eyelids are angled the right way again.
"You mean Ryan is...?"
"I just buried him in the backyard," Kevin confirms grimly. He squeezes his eyes shut until a tear slides down his cheek. "So you don't dig him up and eat what's left of him."
"But that's... no, I'd never do that..." Neil shakes his head, lips drawn back in a grimace. His fangs flatten when he presses them together. "Ryan has to be okay. Things always work out for us!"
His demonic side can't put up a fight anymore. Neil doesn't want it to. His heart clenches with such monumental dread that it shudders back into its original rhythm, along with his frantic breathing. He can't feel his wings anymore, and his horns feel lighter, like they're hollowed out and ready to crumble. He can feel the blood caked onto his claws even as they shrivel back into regular fingernails. Ryan's blood. Are his organs physically rearranging, or is that just nausea? It might be nausea. Oh, geez, he's gonna be sick.
In this moment of emotional turmoil, he doesn't notice when the earth begins to shake. It just feels like another part of his breakdown. Dust crumbles from the ceiling, and none of it makes a difference. The whole place may as well cave in at this point.
*
Despite everything, watching Neil break down is the toughest part of the ordeal. The ground shakes--some last-ditch resistance from the demon, no doubt. Even so, Kevin stands his ground. He bunches up Neil's shirt collar in his free hand and pulls it taut, while with his other hand he aims the proton gun at his possessed friend's chest. He keeps talking as he does this, grasping at any words that'll keep the demon distracted.
"He was the only one of us with a necromancy license, you know. So we're probably never going to get him back."
"No, no, we have to... he can't be dead, we... I..."
Neil's words give way to uncontrolled weeping. The unnatural colour of his eyes, toxic green with dark violet pupils, drains like cheap dye down a sink as he cries. Soon his swollen eyes are their usual shade, everything is its normal length, and his wings droop in a lifeless shade of gray-brown. He curls in on himself as best he can around the ropes to bury his head in Kevin's shoulder. The pressure against his forehead loosens off the horns, and soon they and the wings peel off altogether, shedding like snakeskin. It's over. Or at least it will be in just a moment.
Kevin twists the proton gun around to aim perpendicularly at the front of Neil's shirt, angled so it won't hit the man himself, and presses the tip directly against the clover. As carefully as they plotted all this out, his breath still catches when he squeezes the trigger. He didn't count on an earthquake when they made this plan. If he's off by an inch...
The clover explodes to ash in the glowing beam's wake. A demonic screech rings out, and green smoke trails into the air. Neil gasps and jerks back. The instant the job is done, Kevin releases the trigger and powers down his proton pack. The earthquake stops immediately upon the demon's demise, but he could swear he still feels the ground shaking beneath his feet. He can't breathe for a solid ten seconds.
It takes Neil several shaky tearful breaths before he straightens up and ventures to speak. "I can't believe I killed Ryan. What are we gonna do?"
"Worry not, my friend," Kevin assures him, laying a hand on his arm. "Things aren't quite as they seem."
*
Half an hour prior, Kevin shoved a half-conscious Ryan into the backseat and a possessed bound-and-gagged Neil into the trunk of Ryan's newly upholstered electric car that he definitely acquired by legal means. Minutes later, the frantic driver rounding a sharp corner pulled Ryan awake with a gasp. After a few dizzying moments trying to determine his surroundings and process the hurried explanation his companion offered, the cogs of his mind were set in motion. Passing out from blood loss served as a good excuse to not explain the plan he definitely had earlier, but it's even better to actually have a plan for real in times like these.
"When he was attacking me, he kept making pop culture references," Ryan mused, stroking his blood-matted facial hair thoughtfully. "I think Neil's consciousness is still intact. The right stimuli could draw his human heart back out."
"You think so?" Kevin met Ryan's gaze in the rearview, then shifted to glance at their possessed friend in the trunk. (Come to think of it, it's a miracle Neil stayed asleep the whole time. The fight must have really tuckered him out.)
"Well, I sure hope so," Ryan replied cheerfully. "Otherwise we're dead meat!"
"Dead meat..." Kevin echoed, drumming his fingers against the wheel with his brow furrowed. Suddenly he turned in his seat and snapped his fingers. "That's it! What if we make it seem like he killed you? A shock like that is bound to snap him out of it."
"Oh boy!" Ryan sat up excitedly, only to wince as his injuries offered their sharp complaints. Quickly recovering, he rubbed his hands together with a grin. "I'll slather myself in zombie makeup and moan about dragging him to hell."
"Hm... I was thinking more the kind of death you don't come back from."
"...Oh." Ryan sat back with a disappointed huff and crossed his arms. "Well, that's a little bleak."
"I know--" And judging by Kevin's tone, it didn't sound like he was thrilled with it either-- "but it could be the only way."
And so that's exactly what they did. Hiding at the top of the stairs and listening in on the whole shindig, Ryan soon decided it was for the best that they didn't go with his zombie performance idea. He may not be dead, but he is still injured. Overexertion is the last thing he needs--to say nothing of the brief earthquake toward the end.
Now, as the figurative and literal dust settles, Ryan braces himself against the banister and hobbles down the stairs, slow-clapping as he does so.
"A marvelous performance, Kevin," he says upon reaching the bottom of the stairs. "You almost had even me fooled!"
Kevin nods with a smug little I-told-you-so smile, crossing his arms. Neil stares blankly at Ryan as he walks to his side, produces a switchblade from his pocket, and cuts the ropes to release him. Upon being freed, the blank stare continues for several seconds before Neil rubs his eyes and gulps--not nervously, but like he's trying to swallow down any further tears.
"Ryan... you must've come to forgive me before you ascend," he murmurs sadly. Without waiting for a response, he pulls Ryan into a hug. "I'm gonna miss you, bud."
"Er, yes and no..." Ryan wriggles out of Neil's embrace--as lovely as it is, he could do without being squeezed right now. "Of course I forgive you, but I'm not actually dead. 'Twas but a clever ruse!"
He punctuates that announcement with a raised finger and a cheesy grin. After a beat, Neil slumps with relief.
"Boy, am I glad to hear that. I dunno what I'd do if I'd--if you were really..."
He starts trembling again and breaks off into sniffles. Ryan offers him an awkward pat on the back, while Kevin lays a steadying hand on his shoulder.
"There, there, Neil. You're alright."
*
But is he really alright?
He doesn't stop wondering, even six hours later when he's getting ready for bed. Running his toothbrush around his mouth for the fifth time in as many minutes, with a little too much pressure and way too much toothpaste, he finds that he still can't get the taste of his friends' blood out of his mouth. He doesn't like the taste anymore. Now it makes him gag, which might be more morally upstanding, but it's way less fun.
He cups some cold water into his mouth, swishes it around, and spits it out. The blood taste is still there, and now his teeth ache from over-brushing. At least they're not fangs. Nothing is growing in ways it shouldn't be.
He's not going to sleep that night. If he does, he'll dream about doing it all over again and maybe even worse. Or what if he turns demonic again in his sleep? How many people might he attack without even realizing--other friends? Family members? Random strangers on the street? Too risky. Instead he fixes himself a bowl of cereal, sugary enough to keep him awake, and nestles into the couch with a blanket and pillow to watch TV. He tries not to fidget too much, but it's hard not to. It's like when you wear a backpack or hat all day and then you can still feel it on you even when it's not. He keeps thinking he can still feel the horns and wings. Yeah, Kevin assured him the demon was gone, but what does Kevin know? He didn't think there was a ghoul in spooky manor either, and look where that got him.
Speaking of...
Neil grabs his communicator wristwatch and dials in the frequencies to contact his friends as, on the TV, a jungle snake lunges to attack an explorer. The watch displays a split-screen as Kevin and Ryan answer a few seconds apart. The timing of it coaxes a subdued laugh from Neil. I guess all three of us are on edge.
"What's wrong, Neil?" Ryan asks. "There's no sign of the demon re-emerging, is there?"
"No, but..." He leans back and worries his lip between his teeth, cheeks colouring with sudden embarrassment. Are they gonna think he's being a baby? Maybe he just won't admit to being nervous. "Do you guys wanna have a sleepover? And in case I go all demonic again--not that I think I will--you can get out the bible and holy water and everything and, y'know, take care of it."
"Sounds like a plan. We'll be right over."
Despite himself, Neil finds himself dozing off at some point. Even before they actually arrive, knowing his friends will be there is like a tranquilizer. Next thing he knows, Ryan is nestled in on his left side and Kevin on his right, debating in hushed tones which Ernest movie they should watch ("Scared Stupid might be too scary for him right now--" / "Yeah, but Goes to Jail has the whole identity-stealing thing, and that might..." / "Well, how about Rides Again? That way we could bore him to sleep!") Neil smacks his lips and tries to shake himself back awake--he doesn't want to miss the evening entertainment--but it's a lost cause. He sleeps peacefully that night, and clovers don't show up in his dreams even once.
Yeah, it looks like he's gonna be just fine.
#good freaking morning people!!#id in alt text#for the like cover image thingie#it doesn't exactly match up to how i describe demon mode neil here because i made the edit a while ago#so i changed my mind on some details because im literally always doing that#hey did you know that i write stuff sometimes?
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Monday Night Raw 30/01/23
Just things I've wrote down while catching up read if you want to lose braincells.
I'M SORRY I CANT INSERT A READ MORE I'M ON MOBILE
- They've gotten rid of the Cody-vater 😭
- Cody's AR logo looks better than the actual tattoo.... Let that sink in
- IWC: Yeah Cody is going to get boo'd out of the place if he wins the RR
Crowd:
- I also drove a VW Jetta before too Cody 😂
- I completely forgot about Dashing Cody Rhode's grooming tips 💀💀💀
- I mean yeah you can't actually be shocked at the men's RR choice this year like I said there is literally no other choice 💀😂
- I have to say Cody's a good baby-face but the Main event at the Rumble really reignited how much of an absolute heel Roman is and the crowd is really playing into it now because of it.
- Looks like Cody is challenging for both belts, hopefully they either split post WM or are split at WM
- Ohhhhh Judgement Day what are you doing here?
- DOM YOU DONT GET TO TALK ABOUT RUINED PLANS YOU RUINED YOUR DADS PLANS 😭😭😭😭
- JD has been good for Dom but he still has ways to go.
- Damien was this 👌 close to calling Cody a Nepo baby 😭😭😂
- "Are you tryna scare me straight?" JSHSJJSJHS CODY STOP 😂
- Dominik Mysterio shoots on all your fathers
- Why are there people dressed as bananas
- EDGE!!!!! BEAT THEIR ASSES
- Ohh Cody v Finn this is gonna be good
- So I'm at home so my mam is like in the same room as I am watching it and she gets a kick at me pointing out all the Irish people, so now I've just resorted to explaining people in relation to other Irish people, "See him aye? Hes married to Becky Lynch they have the young one together" (Explaining who Seth Rollins is) 😂😂
- Gable and Rollins is not a match I would ever of thought of but honestly both are EXTREMELY talented.
- The start of it where Gables going straight for Seth and does some legit wrestling shit to get him into the ankle lock was
- HEJJSUS IDK WHY BUT OTIS WALKING LIKE A MAM TRYING TO CLEAN UP A SPILL IN ANOTHER ROOM TOWARDS GABLE IS KILLING ME
- Obviously Seth was going to get it but has Gable ever been in a Chamber? Idk I feel like he'd be good in it. Or maybe not and he has been in it before and was completely not memorable 💀
- The theming of the advertising for EC is honestly like if I was presented with the duty of advertising, "Uhh idk it's in Canada and Canada is .... Cold?"
- I don't think I noticed Iyo eliminating Candice at the RR
- I don't really have much to say about this match, both Candice and Iyo are extremely good at what they do but my 2 month hiatus from wrestling up until Rumble means I don't really have a frame of reference for this story wise.
- Bayley looks like your favourite aunt you only see once a year and they let you take a sip of their drink and promises not to tell your mam about your boyfriend.
- The Poisonrana from electric chair was so cool to watch, nice one Candice
- Mia... Sorry, Michin, you were a bit late to grab Iyo don't you think? 💀💀
- ohhh NXT Vengeance Day is in Charlotte, nice to see they're getting out of the PC for PPVs again, I missed that. I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with the crowd at the PC
- I do think it was extremely good to turn JD's focus to Rhea, after Edge was ousted, they felt a bit aimless and goofy. And while they still are a bit goofy, they play into it as much as n ended while also seeming like an actual decent threat. I think this is due in part to shifting the spotlight to Rhea, because she is genuinely quite a big threat. Can't wait to see what the build to WM will be for her.
- RHEAS GOING FOR CHARLOTTE, THIS IS HER WRESTLEMANIA REDEMTION YESSSSSS IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS!!!!! HOW'S THAT FOR THE LONG TERM BOOKING ASSHATS
- NAH BUT SERIOUSLY THE STORY OF RHEA BEING AT THE TOP OF NXT GETTING COCKY AND FEELING INVINCIBLE THEN LOOSING. THEN GOING ON A JOURNEY GOING THROUGH A FRIENDSHIP BREAKUP, FINDING HER PLACE AND LEANING INTO TO HOW TRULY DESTRUCTIBLE SHE IS TO GET REVENGE ON THE WOMAN WHO KNOCKED HER DOWN AT THE TOP OF THE HILL IS FANTASTIC.
- I think it was probably gonna be obvious that Seth & Logan Paul are going into a WM fued seeing what happened at Rumble. And while I have no doubt the match will be good, as much as I dislike Paul he is very good for such a new and part time wrestler, idk man I feel like Seth would be good in literally any other feud. But hey either way it's going to be a high profile match and lord knows Seth has worked hard to get where he is so good for him.
- The mere sight of JBL has stirred up some PTSD buried deep from childhood, at least I don't have to hear those stock bells 💀😂
- How dare you Corey, Gargano is Lumis' Wrestling Father in Law that's why he's here 😤😤
- I do kinda love JBL being ... Uh how do I explain this? Like anti-indie guys kind of? Like you know what I mean, the wrestlers who have been touted as indie darlings, normally brought in by Trips, who probably have a 5* match in the Tokyo Dome or some shit like that? I by no means hate this type of wrestler but it honestly fits Corbin and JBL really well.
- KICK OUT OF THE DEEP SIX!????
- Do you think JBL uses Just for Men?
- HDHSJSJSJJS LUMIS NOT THE AXE I'M DYING PLEASE I HOPE THERE'S A GIF OF THAT SHOWING IT TO JBL
- Honestly sad for Corbin but Gargano for the US Championship fits better in my opinion
- I have to wait till Friday to see the fallout from the RR's main event? I NEED TO KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH SAMI, KEVIN AND JEY 😭😭
- I will never not love MVP, when I was kid I used to put masking tape on my nose to pretend to be like MVP, I wish I had a picture 😂😂 I cannot implure to you how funny it would look, pasty white Irish child in her nightdress thinking she was MVP
- So with Bobby looking like he's going into a programme with Brock it doesn't look like he's getting the US Title back anytime soon. But honestly I could have Bobby as US Champ for ages, man has really grown on me in the last three years, he's one of my favs now.
- HYPE UP BOBBY MVP YESSS
- I forgot about Brock F-5ing Theory in the Chamber last year LMAO THAT WAS GREAT
- Is... Theory trying to be Cena with this Ruthless Aggression stuff 💀 No child... No
- Guys you should all be worried about your health it's important and you all live in America where that shits expensive
- BOBBY MY MAN HERE HE ISSSSS
- I WANT ANOTHER ARM WRESTLING CONTEST, LET BOBBY HOLD HANDS
- "Listen to your Daddy!" Theory is salty because Gargano doesn't want him anymore and Grandad Vinny left 💀💀
- Listen Dom, I say this with love and as a woman who is currently growing out a mullet, Please go to a hairdresser
- Don't ask me why and this has probably already been done and has just escaped my brain, but I want a tag team consisting of Miz & Dolph Ziggler
- BOOGS IS BACK LOOK AT THAT MAN HE'S BEEN ON THE VITAMINS HASNT HE?
- I wish he went to SmackDown purely because I want Pat's reaction 😭
- Oh Mr.Pearce if only you had the same backbone for the Bloodline you had for the Miz, Sami wouldn't have to go into witness protection 💀😂
- Boogs just straight up manhandling the Miz for the shits and giggle tho
- OTIS IN MAXIMUM MALE MODELS I CANNNNTTT PLEASE LET THIS BE A THING
- wait if Jey & Rikishi still like Sami is he allowed to the Cook Out or nah?
- NOT THE SLOW MOTION EDIT OF SAMI BEING DROPPED 😭😭😭😭
- Bayleys hair colour is gorgeous I kinda want it myself, I wonder if they'll let me dye my hair at work?
- Yeah, Becky ain't done with you hun, you've never made an Irish woman mad before have you? We don't let it go Bayley, never 💀
- I do like the thinking of How Becky didn't need the RR win and she was making sure Damage CTRL didn't, that's actually smart writing and a good way out of some the strongest women in the division not winning
- "I don't like you Rebecca" Idk that got a chuckle out of me 😂
- IS BAYLEY TRYNA SLIDE INTO ROLLINS DMS?
- NOT BAYLEY IMPLYING THEY GOT MARRIED BECAUSE BECKY WAS PREGNANT HAHHAHAH OH MY LORD
- I'm sorry I'm not over this is a fantastic promo segment
- HAHAHHA SHES DRAGGING OUT DAKOTA BY THE HAIR THIS WOMAN IS TRULY IRISH I LOVE HER BECKY FOR PRESIDENT (After Micheal D is finished of course)
- I had no idea Bronson Reed was back, good for him
- EC is for Bianca's title, I've got a good feeling about Asuka, that'll be a great matchup in Asuka's new package.
- NOT CHELSEA GREEN BEING A KAREN LMAO WELCOME BACK GIRL
- Carmella is coming back, fair play to her, she's had a rough year and hope all is going okay for her
- There's my favourite musty man Ziggles
- Ali asking Dolph how he keeps getting opportunities gives me the same vibe as that Nardwaur(spelling?) interview that's like:
"How do you keep your pants up?"
"Belt." 😂😂😂
- Dolph have you ever heard of Olaplex?
- Yeah guessed the outcome of this one, Dolph's had many Chambers, Bronson was the right choice on this one
- oh Carmella is back with some form of the Princess of Station Island gimmick let's goooo
- Asuka owns 51% of this company 😂
- Oh Asuka going with that Business-Horror-Casual, very chic
- Boogs and the Profits, that's some sort of a team up I need to see at least once.
- Boogs v Elias is a feud that writes itself
- Street Profits = Joy, that is all
- Wait did my catch up service mess up or were we not meant to get a Bianca promo tonight? Like there's about 20 mins left but we're at the Main Event? 🤔
- No matter what you think about Cody, man always looks feckin' extatic to be doing what he's doing
- I wonder if Elle is aware Finn's wearing pants 💀😂😂
- I don't understand the big hoopla of WWE now mentioning other promotions tbh. Like to a majority of the audience it doesn't really matter nor do they care. Like cool they mentioned New Japan, good for them? like I didn't notice when they never mentioned other promotions and it makes not odds me either now that they do. Like yeah cool give a bit of backstory on a competitor, it's not the big deal some of the IWC make it to be.
- I have no clue what it's called but that thing where Cody drops really quickly to one knee and slaps his opponent is really satisfying for some reason
- Best Powerslams in the business: Randy Orton, Dustin Rhodes & Cody Rhodes
- I was wondering why Damien shoy.off but Edge just defending the crowd, that man is PISSSSEDD
- BETH PHOENIX MY BELOVED WHERE WERE YOU AT THE RUMBLE I THOUGHT YOU WOULD HAVE COMPETITED 😭
- Ngl as much as I like Cody, I cannot take his finisher seriously 💀
-Why are Edge and Beth looking on Cody like they're proud parents 💀😂
- And that's it, pretty good episode overall, kept me hella entertained start to finish 👌
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New Life, New Obstacles
Genre: Romance
Pairings: Steeljaw x Strongarm / slight Thunderhoof x OC / Wheeljack x Arcee in later chapters
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Here's the sequel to The Wolf-Con and the Cadet. Enjoy!
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Chapter 1
---------------
It was already late afternoon when they made it back to the scrapyard, Metalsound and Strongarm sat with their mates waiting to see what Bumblebee would say. It was quiet until Strongarm decided to speak up, "Why didn't you tell me we would become mates when we had sex?"
"I think I see a nice patch of sunlight over there," Metalsound said as she walked over to the far side of the scrapyard.
"I think I'll join you," Thunderhoof said as he followed after her.
"Well, Steeljaw?"
Steeljaw sighed, "I wasn't thinking about it. I know I should have told you sooner, and I understand if you don't want to be my mate."
Strongarm sighed trying to calm herself, "It's just too soon, I'm still young and was looking forward to so much. But we're mates now and there's no going back."
"What exactly were you looking forward to?" Steeljaw asked with a raised optic ridge.
"Steeljaw, I'm a cadet. What do you think I was looking forward to?"
"Ohh, I'm sure you can still do police work," he replied trying to make her feel better. He wasn't sure of what to say or do. He looked away feeling awkward and upset with himself for getting himself into this situation.
"Not as long as I'm mated with a 'Con criminal, and one that's the most dangerous and most wanted at that!"
She was going to say more but before she could Steeljaw cuts in, "Is that all I am to you?! I thought since you knew about my past you would have at least given me a chance! I'm sorry for how I am, but I didn't choose this life!"
"Will you let me finish!?"
Growling a bit he looked at the ground, waiting for her to finish.
"I was looking forward to that and it's ruined now that I'm your mate... but I ruined it when I started fooling around with you, and quite frankly I would have mated with you eventually because I love you too much not to," she places a servo on his face and makes him look at her. "Steeljaw, I'm not upset because I'm your mate. I'm upset because you just went and made me so without me knowing or giving my consent."
Trying his best to compose himself he placed his servo over hers, "I should have said something before, and I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me."
"Of course, I love you too much to stay mad at you."
Steeljaw smiled as he nuzzled her, "You have no idea how long I've waited to hear you say that. I really do love you, Strongarm."
She smiles, "I know you do."
"Ahem!" They look and see Bumblebee standing in front of them, along with Sideswipe and Grimlock, they both stand up. Steeljaw couldn't help but glare at the mech that's been his rival all this time as he stood tall ready for whatever they were going to throw at him.
"Yes, Lieutenant?" Strongarm asked.
"Where's Metalsound and Thunderhoof?" Bumblebee asked them.
"Over there," Steeljaw pointed to the sun patch Metalsound was basking in with Thunderhoof sitting a few feet from her.
"Metalsound, Thunderhoof, come join us please!"
With a sigh, the two made their way back over and Metalsound transformed back into her robot mode. She stayed close to Thunderhoof as they stood in front of Bumblebee.
"I concluded what to do with you four."
"Four?" Metalsound asked in confusion as she looked around.
"Yes, four. Including you, Metalsound."
"So, what is it?" Thunderhoof asked.
Strongarm hugs Steeljaw as she waits to hear what Bumblebee has decided, "You're not gonna be thrown into a stasis pod, instead I think I'll put you four on probation and you must do community service," Bumblebee announced. Soundwave stayed silent as he listened.
"Yay!" Metalsound shouted before jumping onto Thunderhoof. He managed to keep his balance as he hugged her, feeling relieved that he didn't have to go back into stasis. Maybe being mates with her won't be too bad, especially if it means he gets to stay free.
"Thank you, sir," Strongarm replied with a little more self-control. They both hug their mates tightly. Metalsound was trying her best not to shock Thunderhoof by accident.
"Can we take these cuffs off now?" Thunderhoof was ready to get out of the things.
"Yes," Bumblebee walks over and takes the cuffs off of Thunderhoof, "Strongarm, you may take the cuffs off of Steeljaw." Strongarm undoes the cuffs and takes them off Steeljaw.
Thunderhoof massaged his wrists, glad to be out of the cuffs, "Now what?"
"We're all gonna get some rest and then your community service starts," Bumblebee replied.
A mischievous grin formed on Metalsound's face as she grabbed Thunderhoof's servo, dragging him away from the scrapyard. "I know what we can do before your community service starts," she said as they headed for the forest.
"Not so fast, Metalsound. You're also on probation and will be doing community service. Sideswipe and Grimlock will be watching over the two of you."
"Seriously, Bumblebee?"
"Yes, after pulling the stunt you pulled you're gonna have to earn our trust back."
"Yeah, I guess that's fair," Metalsound said with a shrug.
After they leave, Bumblebee turns to Strongarm and Steeljaw, "Steeljaw, you're gonna need to be watched and Strongarm is the best one for the job, so you will be staying with her at all times and you will sleep in her quarters so she can watch you. I see no harm in it since you two are mates now."
"Right," Strongarm grinned nervously as she thought of Steeljaw sleeping in her quarters.
"No different than when we were together in my room."
"Yeah, I guess. The only difference is that we have other bots nearby and they are practically on top of us."
~~~~~~~~~~
After Strongarm left with Steeljaw to go to her quarters Drift went up to Bumblebee. "Bumblebee, are you sure it is wise to have Steeljaw sleep in Strongarm's quarters?"
"Would you rather he sleep in your quarters, or Gimlock's, or Sideswipe's? I know for a fact Sideswipe would never go with it, and I think Grimlock would try to pick a fight with him," Bumblebee replied. "I don't think he'll do anything she doesn't want him to do."
"If you say so."
"Was there anything else?"
"We're just all concerned for Strongarm's wellbeing, especially after what Steeljaw did to her."
"I know everyone is concerned for her, I am too. But she can handle herself if he tries anything."
"I know she can, she's a very capable warrior. But I still think that he should be severely punished."
"I think community service will be plenty of punishment. Besides, it's not like he raped her, she did it willingly, sure she didn't know she would become his mate but still at least it wasn't forcibly. Also, let's not forget who her sire is and who Steeljaw must face later."
"Her sire is Ultra Magnus, right?"
"Yes."
"In that case, Steeljaw really has some tough times ahead of him."
~~~~~~~~~~
Steeljaw and Strongarm had just reached her quarters and went in, "Well, here it is. Nothing like the room you had on the ship but it was all I could get out of what I had."
"It's alright, you've done well with what you had. It's better than my old den when we first met."
She giggled, "Yes, it is."
"So, is there anything that you wanted to do?"
"Well, there is one thing," she replies starting to run a servo over his stomach and giving him a sexy and flirty look. She moves closer to his ear and whispers in a sexy voice. "If you're up to the task."
"I am more than up to the task, Cadet," he replied before pressing his lips onto hers, kissing her passionately. His servo roamed over her stomach and down to her interface panel. Wrapping his tail around her waist his other servo caressed her cheek.
She put a servo down on his servo that was on her panel and started moving it across her panel to make the sensation deeper as she started moaning into the kiss. Chuckling softly, he took the hint and started massaging her panel as he removed his servo away from her cheek, gliding it down to her chest. She pulls back breaking the kiss as she throws her helm back in a big moan, "Oh yes, Steeljaw..."
Gently leading her to her berth he pushed her down as he kissed her at the base of her neck, and she wrapped her arms around his neck, "Oh. Take my panel off, Steeljaw."
"Getting impatient, are we?" He teased as he took her panel off. Slowly he slid a finger into her wet port.
"Ahhh yes!"
Leaving a trail of kisses down her body he stopped just above her port. Adding a second finger he started thrusting slowly as he teased the sensitive bundle of wires with his tongue sending a warm and pleasuring sensation through her frame, making her gasp and moan.
Her moans were like music to his ears, removing his servo from her now-wet port he removed his interface panel, moaning when he felt that his spike was free. Slowly he entered her while placing a passionate kiss on her lips. She moaned into the kiss as she moved her hips wanting him to start thrusting.
Moving his hips he started thrusting into her, moaning when he felt her port clenching around his spike. Strongarm grasped his back as she felt his spike moving in and out of her port. Slowly his thrusts grew faster as he kissed the base of her neck. He could feel that he was close to his climax.
She could feel she was at hers too and started moaning and shouting out his name as she overloaded. His lips collided with hers after he shouted her name when he felt his body shudder as he came inside her. Trying to cool his systems he caressed her cheek with the back of his claws. "I love you," he whispered before giving her a passionate kiss. Slowly sliding himself out he lays beside her, his servo intertwined with hers.
"I love you too, Steeljaw," she says as she snuggles up to him. Wrapping his arms around her he held her close as they drifted off to sleep.
#fanfic#transformers fanfic#robots in disguise 2k15#rid 2k15#steeljaw#strongarm#thunderhoof#oc#rid steeljaw#rid strongarm#rid thunderhoof#steeljaw x strongarm#steelarm#slight thunderhoof x oc#romance
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trash-end-n-tale-blog
CopenhAGONY
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