went to my first con in 4 years on Friday to meet Kaiji Tang and got a Dazai autograph + video recording of him reading to me. He was the sweetest person (as I knew he would be) and interacting with him was lovely, but also at the same time oh boy it sure was an extremely stressful, ugly wake-up call of what it feels like to live in a world now where everyone around you has blissfully moved on from covid and can enjoy things normally and happily, while you'll forever be trapped in a hellscape of perpetual fear 🫠🫠🫠

kind of think i might have some form of long covid but it’s a little hard to tell given i did spend the 2 years prior to catching it having brain fog and fatigue due to being in the worst mental state of my life, owing to. you know. it all.

I need a new phone, and I intend to buy one at the end of the year for myself. Like, my phone is an iPhone7 that I got around my senior year of high school to first year of college I believe. It might have even been a little before then. And it’s lasted a long time. Part of the reason it lasted as long as it did was because I got a free repair back in 2019 because of a issue with the model that I had. Gave it a few extra years of life. Also I made sure to by a case, and this case is so fucking wonderful. I dropped my phone down 7 steps of stairs with this case at UCLA and not a single crack formed. It was worth the 20-30 dollars.

But my phone is glitching with all the new data and apps. It can’t store all the data I want and will uninstall apps without my knowledge. I have an iphone watch now, but it’s the most recent model so it makes it harder to be compatible. And it’s been at least five years, I think I would need an upgrade. I actually intend to buy it myself instead of my dad because of the full time work that I’ve been doing. I’ve been saving enough to make payments of my own and not have to ask my parents for shit financially anymore. I usually hated asking my father for money because there’s some sort of caveat, like improving your grades and what not. The money lending was just something he could hold over my head. Buying me nice things was something he could hold over my head and guilt me with.

But buying a new phone for myself would not only mean that I have the ability to get something with hard earned money, but I didn’t need to ask my parents for anything anymore.

Also, when I’m done with school, MPH majors make pretty good bank, and with the experience I’m already getting at my current job, I feel like I’ll definitely get a much higher salary than anticipated.

Since there's been some discussion of this on a prior post I made, let's address

Neurodivergent Skill-Regression: What is it & Why Does it Happen?

Content Warning! This post will make brief mention of various topics, including: childhood abuse (not explicit), depression, suicidal ideation, car accidents, the COVID-19 pandemic, and throwing up.

Okay, let's begin with a quick preface. I'm writing from the Global North, in a capitalist economy, and in a country founded on (ongoing!) systems of colonialism. Therefore, that's how I'll be situating this discussion (just because it's what I know best). Neurodivergence and Capitalist Exploitation Under capitalism, productivity and extraction in the name of profit become of the utmost importance. Extraction can take place in the form of extracting physical resources (think fracking on Turtle Island), extracting labour, etc. Ultimately, neurodivergence itself is not an ill-formed or "bad" mind. It is only conceptualized and coded as such because capitalism and various other interlocking systems of oppression are actively hostile to minds that, in some way, subvert capitalist and colonial ideals. (however, this is not to negate, invalidate, or trivialize the fact that adhd/asd/ocd/bpd/etc. are disabilities. by their very nature, they impede and disrupt functioning. what is considered "functional", however, is determined by this capitalist/colonialist state and the things it values. this is all simply to say that we would be able to more easily exist and thrive within a society that doesn't reward self-destruction in the name of accumulating capital for the upper class) Of course, living in a system that is not built for you is going to be exhausting—it takes a toll on you, both physically and mentally. This can be further compounded if you are marginalized in other ways; for instance, if you're a person of colour, working class, a woman, 2SLGBTQ+, an immigrant, or a combination of these.

Masking and Burnout Many neurodivergent folx are forced into positions in which they have to mask. For the sake of clarity, "masking", in this case, involves concealing one's neurodivergent traits. For me, that might look like suppressing compulsions, consciously regulating my facial expressions, working longer and harder to accomplish tasks because I can't focus, or scripting conversations before I have them. These manifestations are often invisible to outsiders, but they take a heavy toll on us, and can often result in neurodivergent burnout. This is where the skill-regression comes in. An Example... Let me give you a personal example of what neurodivergent skill-regression can look like! Prior to the pandemic, I was a highly productive person. I was designated "gifted" (whatever that means) and was top of my class in every single class. I was participating in (and running) multiple clubs, working a steady job, volunteering within the community, and learning new instruments and languages. I was a skilled pianist and painter, and also very athletic. From the outside looking in, I appeared successful: I had a massive scholarship lined up at the most prestigious university in the country. I was generally well-liked. I was creative and skilled in both the humanities and STEM (mostly humanities lol), etcetera etcetera. But I was in no way okay. I was incredibly depressed and suicidal. I had multiple undiagnosed anxiety disorders and neurodivergencies. I was experiencing relentless abuse at home. I was throwing up every few days out of pure fear and stress. I was constantly sick, crying (in secret, and then later too numb to cry), overwhelmed, exhausted, and apathetic. And yet I refused to stop pushing my body and mind to their limit because I had this ingrained belief surrounding my productivity—if I slowed down, would I be worth anything? At the time, to my mind, the answer was a staunch no (even though I didn't apply this thinking to anyone but myself lol). So I repressed everything. I pushed it all to the side and kept moving forward. To put it in perspective, I got hit by a truck at one point, but I was so scared of being late to a thing and disappointing my parents that I just apologized and kept going. This kind of behaviour went on for close to a decade. And then the pandemic hit. And I was forced to stop. I was made to (by virtue of my relative privilege) take a moment to sit down, look around, and actually feel things. And it hit me like a ton of bricks: All the weight of the anger and fear and everything that I had been repressing for the sake of survival came RUSHING in. Now? You want to know what I'm like now? I am very burnt out and incredibly unproductive. I have the attention span of a gnat. Where I used to be able push through exhaustion or else tamp it down with consistently high levels of adrenaline, I now almost ALWAYS feel tired, to the point where I have to lay down. I used to be able to toss together an essay in the span of a couple hours. And, yes, while I can still put an essay together quickly, it’s not going to necessarily be good. Likewise, where I used to be able to mask my neurodivergent traits, I'm now hyperaware of how exhausting it all is, which makes it more difficult to appear neurotypical in public.

The thing is, when you have something like adhd as well as an anxiety disorder, the anxiety can pretty effectively mask the adhd. But once I started medication and more intense therapy, I got a hold on my anxiety and alllll of my coping mechanisms fell away. I no longer had that constant, vibrating fear to force me to maintain attention, and push myself to the breaking point.

It’s like not aging for 80 years and then suddenly having decades collapse into you in the span of moments. So Where Does This Leave Us? Okay, that was a loooong tangent, sorry. Returning to the original point. As the infinitely cool and talented @revenantscholar mentioned in a previous post of mine, when you exist in an unsafe environment (or one which is generally not built with you in mind), it's difficult to hold onto the skills you once had. Your body goes into survival mode and prioritizes keeping you alive. Once you have returned to a space where you can unmask and be physically/emotionally/mentally SAFE, you have the capacity to relearn some of those skills. Not all of them, necessarily, and not all at once. But these things do return—and even if they don't (listen to me, this is important), that doesn't make you stupid/bad/worthless. You are living in a world that is not built for people like you and I, and it sucks, and it's painful and scary, and we will continue to fight for a better future. In the meantime, it's important to remember that you are worthy of care, compassion, empathy, and support regardless of what you can contribute/do. You are incredibly important and I'm so glad you're here. (Thank you for listening. I'm drawing on my human rights knowledge from my degree, and also my own personal experience. However, feel free to correct me or ask any questions you might have! I'm also happy to provide resources/citations if needed. Now go drink water and rest if you need to! Ily!)

I think something which is not widely acknowledged in discussions about division of labor in (usually heterosexual) relationships, despite its utter obviousness, is the following: the workload involved in either working a full time job or taking care of housework is alone already grueling in and of itself to many people; many people find it barely manageable. If someone does not want to help with the housework after coming home from their job, or conversely does not want to pitch in to help with the couple's joint income because they are already doing all the housework, this is not necessarily any kind of expression of entitlement. It is I suspect very often an expression of exhaustion, emotional or physical. It is not necessarily that such people would do these things themselves if they lived alone, and thus are merely being opportunistic in expecting their partner to do them—for many people, if they lived alone, they would simply not be able to bring themselves to do these things at all, and thus would either live in filth or in poverty/dependence on others, because humans are finite being of limited capacity.

This is a particular bugbear for me because during the pandemic, for reasons that you all already know, I found myself unable to do either. I could not support myself nor could I manage housework, and thus I found myself in the unpleasant and humiliating experience of having to depend wholly on my parents for my living situation and also living in very gross and unpleasant conditions to boot.

So, yes, sometimes, probably oftentimes (especially in light of heterosexual social scripts) someone is just unfairly shunting work onto their partner because they can get away with it. But sometimes I suspect people would like to be able to do more, but even with no other option they could not. Sometimes a single person might "choose" to come back to a dirty house every day because after a day of work and ~3 hours of commute they would rather capture some small portion of their waking life for mental rest instead of spending 100% of it working, and if they get a partner this is not necessarily going to change although it may be viewed differently.

Of course, this person's partner is very possibly (indeed I think probably) in the exact same position, and I think if you really care about someone it is generally desirable to sacrifice some of your rest and peace and to engage in otherwise undesirable toil in order to ease their burden a bit. I think that's admirable. But these situations must be approached with the understanding that both parties may to some degree be struggling to do their best, and not succeeding out of the shear difficulty of the task rather than out of neglectfulness.

Yes, I contend that the mere basics of living are a task of considerable difficulty, however silly this may sound. It is obviously true. Perhaps not for everyone but for very many.

🍂 PAC Reading: Catharsis 🍂

Hey everyone!

October 2023 was a SHIT month for me. That eclipse season took a major toll on my mental and physical health. I hope you all had an easier time, and if you didn't, trust that you're not alone and I send you all the love you may need at this time 💛

Here's a spread I attempted from Lightwands tarot's Tiktok page on helping with catharsis, ie., helping you pin down and let go of some negative thoughts that may have been living in your head rent-free.

I intend this to be a timeless reading. Take a deep breath and clear your mind. Then pick the picture that you feel most drawn to. If you feel drawn to more than one, feel free to read those piles. If you feel drawn to none, perhaps I don't have a message for you at this time, but hope to have something for you in the future!

Going from left to right, we have piles 1, 2, and 3.

I'd love to hear some feedback! I'm also open for paid personal readings ($3 flat-rate).

Pictures used are not mine.

My kofi ☕

Pile 1

A pressing thought on your mind: King of Cups

Okay this is definitely about a boy. You may be overthinking/obsessing over a connection right now. Perhaps you have this person up on a pedestal and you think they're the best romantic match you could possibly ever have and that being chosen by them would be the best thing to ever happen to you. And maybe that's true. But you have to remind yourself that if you're begging to be chosen, that takes away significantly from your power, and most stable, secure men will want someone that matches them in their power. Some of you may be thinking that this guy has 2 options they're struggling between. For some of you, this may be an ex that you're seeing move on and, frankly, it hurts. If that's the case, I feel you.

Allow the tarot deck to describe the thought back to you in a softer voice: The Emperor

I think you need to remember that there is a bit of logic to relationships as well. Love isn't enough; you do have to think about the kind of life that's possible with your potential partner. You also need to remember that people feel and use their emotions differently than you. Your person may be at a stage where they're approaching partnership more logically. They may be thinking of compatibility in a more mature way at this point. This is a shift that started quite prominently during the pandemic, with casual dating taking a dip in our society. This person may also just be quite exhausted and have decided to just settle down. Love, at some stage, becomes more of a decision than a feeling, and that's where this person is right now. Remember that this is a window into their thought processes, not a judgement on you.

How you're approaching the thought: Justice

You may be self-flagellating a bit, thinking that the reason you're having such a hard time in love and life is because of some of your past mistakes or some karmic debt. And maybe this is true, because we all have karmic debt from this life and from the ones before. Every single person you know has made errors, and more people than you think have skeletons in their closets. We're all a little toxic. It's just the reality of life. And that's okay. That's life (tangent: watch Fleabag!) Maybe it's a little less serious for you and you feel like you're just not enough, or that you just messed up your chance with this person. But ask yourself as objectively as possible, did you? Did you, really? Doesn't this guy have flaws too? Is it possible that neither you nor him are the issue here, but it's really just the relationship/situationship that may not have been a good fit? Maybe you both just weren't mature enough for each other at the time? Maybe it was meant to be temporary? Maybe there were external factors at play? But more importantly, maybe it's not your problem to solve?

How can you release the thought without needing to resolve it right now: Queen of Swords

Step into your power. Get some fresh air. Literally. You've closed yourself in a box. You need to step out and realize how vast the sky really is. How big the world really is. How big your world really is. There needs to be perspective change for you. And you don't need to do this alone. We need community more than ever now. Find a therapist, a trusted friend, maybe even a sibling that keeps it real with you and is genuine. You don't need to find the love of your life, or figure out what this person means for you, if they're a karmic/twin flame/soulmate/what have you right this minute. You don't. Trust me, you don't. Do you want to get asked out/married this very minute? Of course not. It really isn't woo-woo nonsense when people say that what's meant to be, will be. Think of all the times you wanted a situation to play out a certain way and it didn't. It probably worked out better, if you're being honest with yourself. Let go. Let the Universe do what it needs to do. Maybe this will help: The Universe put you in this situation, so let it sort it out. This is the Universe's problem now. You're just the actor. It's the show writers that need to sort this out now. Just vibe in the meantime lol.

Let the thought say one last goodbye: 9 of Swords

Your pain is not for nothing. This will be different for different people, but maybe the pain is to ground you. Maybe it's to prevent you from self-sabotaging in the future. Maybe it's to get you to see the reality of this person. Maybe it's to get you to see the reality of yourself. Maybe this is how you repay some karmic debt (in which case, yay! Lighter times ahead!) Maybe this is a sign you may have some unresolved trauma that needs to be removed from your mind and body, and is to show you that you're closing in on a breaking down point and need to love yourself enough to tend to it. Maybe it's bits and pieces of everything mentioned above. Maybe it's just none of these, and you're letting seasonal depression get the best of you. Believe it or not, sadness is vital in life. It's a necessary emotion. If you feel the need to wallow, by all means go ahead. And when it's time, let yourself stop. It's okay. You're okay. And it'll all be okay. You are worthy of love.

Oracles: Patience; Bring love into the situation (New Moon in Aquarius)

Work on detaching yourself from this situation. Your specific/personal situation will come from thinking outside the box. Be more pragmatic. Improve your karma by doing charitable work.

Pile 2

A pressing thought on your mind: The Lovers (and The Hermit for clarification)

Alright, so this pile is also thinking about love. But you guys have a lighter energy than Pile 1. Or maybe you're a Pile 1 coming back to this reading after some time. You've probably been single for a while, and have done some extensive soul-searching and inner work, and now perhaps an inner voice is telling you that you're ready to put yourself out there again. And the energy coming through is yes! Yes, you are ready! But since it's been a while, and given the state of the streets, you're apprehensive about how to put yourself out there, and if you even should yet. Some of you may even be thinking of those Tiktoks that tell you how awful partners (particularly men) can be, and you're (rightfully) a bit scared.

Allow the tarot deck to describe the thought back to you in a softer voice: 8 of Pentacles

You've been hard at work with your personal growth and self-concept, and it radiates in your aura now. You've been diligent and have paid attention to the details. There's no such thing as a perfect person, of course, but you've done commendable work to get to as perfect as you can be in this stage of your life. Look at you go, you little rock-star! You need to watch out for black-and-white thinking, both directed at your own self and at others. Just because there may be a few things you're still working on, doesn't mean you're not ready. And the same goes for people you may meet soon, or for those that you're already considering. In fact, it shows self-awareness that you/the other person is cognizant of their flaws and still putting themselves out there because not all healing occurs inside. We all need people, and that's not a flaw. It's okay to be apprehensive. Be aware of the risks but don't let them consume you.

How you're approaching the thought: The High Priestess

You may be scouring Tumblr or Tiktok or wherever for readings and signs to foresee who you need to engage with next, what signs to look for, how it's all going to play out. It's like you want a blueprint of the entire love story beforehand because you're determined to find the one next. No more games for you. No more delays. You're ready and you want your future now. Love that for you, queen! But don't let it overconsume you! Micromanaging your love life isn't the best way to go about it. You know this, c'mon!

How you can release the thought without needing to resolve it right now: The Magician

Manifestation is real. But it's real for everyone, not just you. Imagine you're driving and you're manifesting going right, but so is another person, and fate may look at this and decide, okay, one of these needs to detour to avoid a collision, and maybe it picks you? Shit example, but I hope you get what I'm saying. It's good to be specific in your manifestations but not too specific, you know? Think of the burnt toast theory. Most of them there's a reason behind why things happen the way they do. Sometimes it's an important reason, and sometimes it's just random and meaningless. You seem to be approaching dating in a very Virgo-like way at this time, and essentially the message here is to not be too calculating and strategic. Keep your wits and lessons with you, of course, but don't forget that the Universe is also a player here.

Let the thought say one last goodbye: Ace of Pentacles

Your future partner is going to come to you like a gift or an offering. For some of you, that's where the delay is - the Universe is packaging them up perfectly for you and you just need to wait until it's time lol. The Universe and your spirit guides have been hard at work helping you heal and polish and be ready for love, and they're not going to just give you out to a random, okay? Have faith. Express gratitude constantly. And just affirm that love is here and your steps are guided. Dating apps may be the way for some of you. One or two of you may have luck bumping into someone at work or at the gym. Also hearing a beloved bar for someone. But for the majority, it's a highly personalized way that you'll meet the one. Ultimately, though, don't think too hard about it.

Oracles: Purification; Confidence is your key to success (New Moon in Leo)

There you have it. You've been purified enough to put yourself out there again. You're ready. Whether this be through apps, networking, or just living your life, do it with confidence and carry the intention with you to find your best match without chasing.

Pile 3

A pressing thought on your mind: Queen of Pentacles

This pile's conundrum seems to be family dynamics. Maybe you're in a sticky situation at home, where you can't afford to move out and you've either outgrown your home environment, or it's getting toxic. But you may not have the funds/resources to leave. And you feel like you're being smothered but you also would feel guilty if you were to leave. For some, you may not need to leave but you feel like there's undue pressure coming from your family whenever you go to make decisions, be it financial, education-related, relationship-related, or what have you. Getting heavy 'eldest child of immigrant parents' energy here. Maybe you don't feel your age because you feel like you don't have the freedom and independence you'd assumed you would have at this point. Some of you were even parentified as kids and it's starting to come to the fore-front. For some, this extends to friends and you feel like you've outgrown them, or just need more friends, but again, you're in a box.

Allow the tarot deck to describe the thought back to you in a softer voice: Knight of Cups

Some of you may daydream of a Prince Charming coming and saving you from this environment. This is especially true if the 'eldest daughter' thing applies to you and one of the only acceptable ways in your family for you moving out and starting your own life is to get married. And maybe that is what will happen for some of you. But don't depend on it as the only way. It will happen if it's meant to happen, but when we attached too much stake to one specific outcome, we pour too much of our power into it, and the Universe doesn't like that. It's okay to pray and manifest a particular outcome but detachment is a key factor in manifestation, remember that. One of the easiest ways out of this energy is just getting your license and a car, you know? You don't have to wait for a ride, you can be the driver. Even getting a pet is a good way to get out of the house more (plus, that would divert your family's attention and ease the tensions around the house).

How you're approaching the thought: 3 of Pentacles

You probably vent to your friends or siblings a lot. You prioritize working (maybe even working overtime) and saving up money. You might also be pursuing higher ed to better your career. It's definitely a good step! Just be aware of your social and personal needs and realize that there's multiple gardens within you that need watering. If the immigrant thing resonates with you, this is especially important. Do not let work and money consume you because hard work, as sad as it is to say, does not always lead you to where you need to go. You need to be a whole person, not just a worker. Think about it, how logical is it to water your 'money' garden and expect your 'personal' garden to bloom if you don't tend to it as much? Don't let burnout ruin your senses.

How you can release the thought without needing to resolve it right now: The Fool

It's your first time being you. And it's also your parents' first time being them. Be as empathetic and compassionate as you can be with yourself and your family without self-sacrificing. There's internal knowledge you came here with that you can access through meditation. Reconnect with your inner voice and let it help you. Don't hold on to resentments, whether internal or external. Don't be so hard on yourself, and when faced with arguments at home, try to separate the actions from the doer. Everyone has their own traumas and vices that they unintentionally hand over control to. Don't rush things. Make an inner sanctuary for yourself and believe that things will work out. The dog/pet message is coming through again lol so if that's a possibility, please go for it! And whenever you feel helpless, remind yourself that you're not supposed to have all the answers just yet. Most successful people, when asked, say the same. They had the vision and they had the grit, but they didn't always have all the steps laid out and blind confidence.

Let the thought say one last goodbye: 4 of Wands

Everything will work out. Trust. Please, just trust. For those of you that resonated with the Prince Charming message, this is confirmation that that will happen. You'll meet the man of your dreams, and leave your current surroundings for the home and life for your dreams. This isn't meant to push you to place all your faith into a savior coming, thus disempowering you, but this message should push you to instead hold on to your power, and keep tending to all your gardens equally in the meantime. You've been through a lot, and it wouldn't be fair to the old versions of you that lead you here to give up now. It gets steeper the higher you go on a mountain. But at this point, you're also stronger. Believe that. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

Oracles: Courage; Your hard work is paying off (New Moon in Capricorn)

Don't be too controlling, and limit your exposure to anyone who is too controlling. Stay ambitious and courageous. Recognize and reward yourself for all the hard work you've done. See yourself as a person and not a project. Your life may not have been a fairy tale, but your fairy tale moment is coming.

I hope you found a message here today! And if not, I hope to have a message for you next time. Wishing you all love, light, and success! ❤️

Don't forget to leave feedback if your reading resonated in any capacity.

My kofi ☕ (for tips and $3 flat-rate readings)

Hi. So. Y’know, I hate doing these things? I hate them. The loathing I feel right now is visceral. I hate asking for help just in general. I really hate sharing my life, just in general. So when I have to share my life and ask for help publicly... honestly I’d prefer to immolate myself but I’ve been informed that’s not allowed so. here we are.

This morning I got some really upsetting news about work that will effectively slash my income into a third of what it was. That’s not enough to pay for rent, never mind groceries or utilities. This is temporary and things should get better for me, if all goes well, in about six months. But in the meantime... yeah.

I’ve spent the day slashing my expenses, from what groceries I buy to canceling subscriptions to my summer plans. I never thought I would be in this position again, where I was facing the possibility of being unable to feed myself or pay rent. My car needs to be taken in. I have people depending on me for financial support. I feel humiliated, blindsided, and frankly my mental health just took a horrible nosedive. Welcome to capitalism!

All this to say - I have a ko-fi, here. It would mean the world to me if I could get a little help. I can’t offer much in response, but I do have the epilogue to the Castle AU, and two hiatus fics I was hoping to write. I can share info about them, and really give those my attention. I originally didn’t know when I’d have time to write them since I was going to be very busy but in light of this I can make them a priority in exchange for some assistance.

Very few people know this but the last month/month and a half has been very upsetting and exhausting for me, both physically and emotionally. I’ve been in a place of severe burnout, and my one comfort was that I didn’t have to worry about money. Now that’s gone.

Those of you who’ve followed me for a long time will know that I’ve been in bad places before and I always made it through. I’ll make it through this. But I would deeply appreciate any help you can offer in the meantime, whether that’s a tiny donation or by reblogging this post. When I lost work because of the pandemic and unemployment took over six months to get back to me and send me money, it was generous, loving donations through my ko-fi that kept me fed and kept the lights on. I’d recently thought, with gratitude, I would never be in such a situation of having to ask for help again. But life likes to fuck me up the ass, so here I am.

I appreciate everyone’s support, in whatever way you can give it. I hope you’re all taking care of yourselves. I’m sorry to take up everyone’s time, and thank you for reading.

Hope is okay to ask for like, tips and such for something.

I want to write again, because I'm entering the stressed and depressed state of mind where I can't do shit for my own mental health. In vacations I was fine, I wrote 7 fics in a row, it wasn't a problem. But now University consumes everything of me (again and again), my mind just shuts down and I'm incapable of doing anything but boring and loooooooong obligatory readings and essays (and sometimes I can't do that at all) and when I have free time I just... go to YouTube, see videos I'm barely interested in and scroll and scroll and scroll until is night and time to sleep to go to the academic suffering again because my mind just screams "I'M EXHAUSTED NOT WANNA DO SHIT".

Has anyone tips for overcoming this? (Just one thing: my cellphone is all I have to do jobs, write, listen to music, read (physical books are expensive), etc. The "just don't use your cellphone" tip is not an option for me sadly.) I don't how to even search what the fuck is wrong with me in Google to see if there's tips there in the wildness (I'm guessing there must be a term lol).

--

You're overwhelmed and stressed. "How do I do more creative writing?" is the wrong question here. You may or may not be able to get back to where you can do that at the same time as school.

"How do I manage this stress and get my brain back?" is more the thing you should be pursuing.

During the pandemic, people have talked a lot about anhedonia and about how amorphous long-term stress takes up all your extra mental processes till the unconscious churning of ideas your brain normally does that helps you come up with creative ideas is instead all taken up with this overhead of worry. Many professional writers have found themselves unable to write. Granted, yours is a school-triggered problem, but I think it's the same basic deal.

Time management and sleep patterns are something to look at, but the biggest thing is probably finding a way to completely turn off your brain and decompress... that is not mindlessly scrolling through social media. That doesn't fully shut you down and reboot you. It takes up time while maintaining low-grade anxiety, whether about the world or about feeling like you haven't scrolled far enough to be caught up. Things that make you experience FOMO or feel behind are especially to be avoided. Things that are relaxing and that give you a sense of finishing a task and doing a good job should be sought out.

Basically, your brain wants a cookie, but nothing about school is giving it a cookie, and because you're so stressed, nothing else is either. You seek out short things that don't require attention in the quest for some little hit of happy brain chemicals, but these aren't satisfying and further sap your energy.

It's a common problem for neurodivergent people, for people with depression, and for basically everyone in the pandemic or other long-term shitty situations.

Look up terms like 'executive function' for the part about getting stuck in one task and being unable to switch to something else.

Look up terms like 'anhedonia' for more on the depression-y symptoms, and combine with 'pandemic' for copious self help articles.

Here's one for example.

Self help on "mindfulness" and tips on how to meditate may also be relevant.

--

For me personally, physical exercise, being outside where there are trees and plants, eating fresh vegetables, spending time offline with friends, and hobbies or even chores that are physical things with a success/finishing condition (doing the dishes, knitting, repairing my own clothes) are the biggest help.

If you don't have physical books, then you don't. But getting off the cell phone is still key. TBH, even if you had paper books, Things That Are Not Books are often key.

I don't particularly want to get off the couch and go take a walk, but my ability to write or even read is often better after I do so.

At least when it comes to America, when I say that capitalism is the biggest devil when it comes to doodles this goes beyond designer doodles can go for big bucks. It's a much deeper societal issue rooted in the fact that Americans are so horribly overworked and over-scheduled to even begin to survive in the current economic trash heap we're in. People are exhausted, physically and mentally, and lack a lot of extra time to do all the things that an active dog needs. Addition, this economic system has completely fractured and socially isolated people, even before the COVID-19 quarantine physically isolated people. People don't have the time or energy to visit with friends. Schedules don't line up and no one can afford to take time off of work or they could quite literally starve or lose their homes. And so people get dogs to fill this void.

Is it any wonder why America has a much larger population of "fur parents" "fur baby" etc identifying people? Dogs, by and large over other animals, are a solution for many people to fill this void so much so that everyone panicked to buy a pandemic puppy. Because a dog would fill the void. But even without the pandemic, people were still getting dogs to have as companions to relieve that isolation and loneliness that comes from being worked to death. We struggle to find the time and energy to be with our families and closest friends. So we have dogs. But the dogs that exhausted people want, and need, are low energy easy-to-manage companion breeds.

Doodles have been beautifully marketed to fill this void. They are marketed as smart and easy to train, I mean they're part poodle so obviously they train themselves right guys? And their coat is non-shedding so it's low maintenance! And they're so friendly and non-aggressive, just the perfect companion dog. So people who are lonely and isolated buy them up desperate for that Ultimate Companion Dog(tm). And these are people who are already exhausted and don't have the mental bandwidth to train or research deeply. They don't have the mental bandwidth to do a lot of brushing or extra cleaning of their house. That's why they want a non-shedding dog to begin with. And then vets and groomers bear the brunt of the issues with these dogs who actually have heavy grooming needs not getting properly trained and desensitized to long procedures. Because their owners don't know better and often can't do better because they simply don't have the time or energy.

So many people just want to not be alone. They want relief from the horrible isolation that capitalism brings and so they want the easiest possible dog to fill that void. And capitalism tells them it's a doodle. The two are completely and utterly intertwined. If people don't have the time and energy to become dog savvy and do the things they need to do with their dogs, then they won't because they can't. And a lot of people who are getting dogs just to fill a void wouldn't be getting dogs anymore. But because people are horrifically isolated and exhausted, this is what happens to fill that void. Doodles are not the problem; they're beautifully marketed as a way for too many people to patch over a much bigger problem. And this is incredibly evident in all of American dog culture from the way that doggy daycares are run to the reasons people often don't go to dog training professionals until an issue appears in their dogs.

so i feel like i've been split between a couple of different impulses and i don't really know how best to vent them. with a lack of better ideas and/or options, i've decided to use the micro-blogging platform to blog. however, because i am eternally conscious of how much space i take up both physically and mentally for other people....

I just want to talk to people again. I used to talk to other people a lot on discord, but between some communities coming to a necessary close, others being focused on other topics, and others just not quite feeling right, i've been left with the feeling like i'm constantly muffling my own voice. now, I can recognize that this is self inflicted. I could just start going off and talk. but at the same time, i don't really feel like needing to defend or counter people if they feel like start something. I don't want to explain myself, I want to express myself. idk if i'm really getting across that difference right, but its there. There’s a constant feeling of judgment about literally everything that I see and it’s so exhausting. How do people have the energy to be so goddamn judgmental all the fucking time.

The internet feels like every space is PvP instead of just some of them and I’m tired. Maybe if I try hard enough I can make my brain be interesting in dmbj again. That fandom space was actually the best I’ve ever been a part of. Then again, I was unemployed and in the middle of the pandemic when I was really deep into it so maybe that’s also why i think about it so fondly. That space looked at the characters and the story in a way that just clicked so hard with me, in a way i haven’t been able to find.

And i have so many things I’d like to talk about with COD but that fandom’s focus seems to be so different from what mine are. Idk if i just haven’t quite found my people, but i just don’t seem to vibe with it the way that they do.

I know what i should do is just take the risk and keep looking around or maybe even try and make a space, but i know how much energy it takes and i also just don’t trust my attention span to actually manage a community.

Anyhow, i don’t actually expect people to see or respond to this. This post took me two days to write out and the mood and tone of it probably changed when the day did.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I'd love people to write in in response to this post. I'll share my own story to get things started.

Before the pandemic started I had just started to get on the right track after an apartment fire 3 years ago at the time. Everything was thrown off by that and I developed PTSD from the event. My health and mental health conditions were well managed, including my agoraphobia and I was in good health.

Even as I sheltered in place for approximately 3 years and only did essential activities and went to essential places I still contracted covid. Sadly my carer brought it into my home and I've suffered with long covid immediately subsequent to my acute infection ever since (August 28th 2022).

It's turned my life upside down. I had planned on starting to ride my bike and now it sits in my apartment untouched. I struggle to walk, sit and balance especially for prolonged periods, at the ripe age of 31. An issue I didn't have before remotely.

And yet doctors keep mentioning anxiety, that it's not conclusive despite not studying up to date literature and published research on covid and long covid. I have no purpose for my shoes much either because travel is taxing on my body. In fact I've been at my mom's house for almost a month because I'm not well enough to return home.

Even paid my rent and electric digitally. My patio remains unoccupied, partly because I don't want harassment about wearing a mask outdoors but also would rather not see my neighbors. One of which harassed me and my carer after coming back from a very stressful dentist appointment with appalling covid safety and not having slept that day.

My computer collecting dust, partly due to the winter storm a couple months or so ago that knocked out my power and messed up the boot sequence, but also not being able to sit at and use it without swaying, heart palpations, feeling faint, and for long periods.

My kitchen sink, cooking utensils and ware goes unused most of the time because my new illness has largely robbed me of the energy and focus to prepare and cook meals. And my apartment tends to occupy me or my one support staff because of my fear of a repeat incident of someone bringing disease into my house. A disease that if I catch again well may kill me, or, faster.

My shower usually is dry as a bone, baths and showers leave me flaring and wiped for days. My hair products sit frequently untouched as I'm too exhausted to brush, braid, cover and moisturize my hair. As do my free weights and elastic PT bands. Ever since I got sick I lack stamina, experience shortness of breath (I had asthma but it was well controlled), my heart rate spikes and I can't exercise in any way that would hit targets or be beneficial.

And still my doctor recommends physical therapy despite telling her all this. And worst of all won't give me a long covid diagnosis. She kicked me to specialist.

Specialist who are already booked out, and whose schedules and patient lists keep lengthening because of the sharp and continued rise in long covid. Knowing it could take months for me to get a diagnosis this route and even longer to get new disability aids I need if I even get documents and approvals at all.

That I can't possibly afford because I'm dirt poor. To add pain to injury, I was disabled before this. And I understood the seriousness of covid and long covid. And took every precaution. But in a society that's a threat to life and safety, I was only as safe as everyone else was and is.

Which means I wasn't and still am not. Not only do I have whatever implications and damage short and long term from my first bout of illness, I constantly have the threat of reinfections and death everyday.

And finally, I have no use for many of the chairs in my home as my brain, neck and spine struggle to keep me upright. My body is in some ways new to me and after 3 plus decades in it, I have to learn it all over again.

And am confronted with no longer being able to do what I once did (possibly ever again) with great sadness nor test limits without high risk and unpredictable results. And it is a terrible, deeply off putting, arrogant and cruel insult to hear people write off or outright deny long covid exists and call long covid a cold. It fucking isn't.

Anyway that's my story.

My wright #3 - I'm back

I know I've been very far from tumblr for a long time, but I had no idea my last appearance here was on Feb 20th. Long four months that, honestly, felt like just a few weeks.

I don't remember the exact reason why I got offline, but I suppose it was a huge amount of tasks (home + course), and add it tons and tons of exhaustion (mental, emotional and physical).

It's no surprise that my life only gets worse, and I'm not exaggerating or being dramatic or playing the victim. I really mean it. Also, I'm not being negative and pessimist. Nothing works for me. I am unemployed and I'm looking for a job for three years. Ok, we had a fucking pandemic in the middle of the process, but things are back to normal already and everyone I know had success after all of that. Except for me. Do you know how fucked up is it to be unemployed? It more than sucks. I only get older (and more tired) and it hinders to find a job. Not only "I am too old" to get a beginners job, but also I feel so uncapable, psicologically I am destroyed because no matter how hard I try to get my shit together, nothing works. I even get some job interviews, but I never step forward. I can't get a job as a designer. I can't get a job as anything else — I tried to get a job on many different areas, except for seller cause the pressure is way too much for me to handle (I am way too bad already, I can't get any worse or God knows what may happen) — I can't get any little ray of success at anything at all. Why? Is it me?

Honestly, I don't think I am the problem. Not anymore. I used to think I was terrible as a student, as a designer and then I would be a terrible professional as well. Plus, I am too shy and dumb, I wouldn't know what to do in much pressure, and job recruiters know that and would never approve me. But no. I know I am good in what I do. Obviously I'm not the best (and I think I don't even want to be, so that's ok), but I'm good and I deserve more. I am so attentious, cautios and passionate (finally! this would be a good topic to write about: my passion for design). And being shy and dumb? Like... Everyone is hah I know people who are even shyer and dumber, and they have a job, they do a great work. So, no. I am not the problem. So, the only answer I can think of is: external influence. I am the least spiritual person I know (another good topic to write about), but oh man, it's the only thing that makes any sense to me. I believe the horrendous, deep and negative energy of the enviroment I live in, unfortunately influences my paths. And not only to get a job, but to anything to me. For example, I can't have a date. I can't. My life is too bad, my psychologic is too bad, my emotional too bad. This is all because of this fucking shitty energy of the enviroment I live in.

Well, no surprises here. But yeah my life was a mess and got even worse. It gets worse with time. And as if everything isn't all fucked up already, my grandma (who is kinda still recovering from her knee fracture) fell of the stairs and broke her two wrists. Now, again, me and my mom have to take care of her — but this time we must keep our eyes on her all. the. time. Do you know how exhausting and demanding taking care of an old person can be??? I had no clue until last year when she broke her knee, now it's her knee and two arms. My God.

Just when I thought I was getting a bit better, I got totally worse again. But now I feel like I'm a little bit less shitty than I was a couple of months ago. Seriously, about two months ago I was so bad as I've never been my whole life :( I tried looking for psychological help but, uh oh, how will I afford it if I'm unemployed? I can't get better psychologically, I can't get better emotionally, I can't get better financially, I can't get better in any layer of life... However, these past weeks I felt a little motivation to just keep on going one day at a time, I miss tumblr and I miss my friends & mutuals, I miss doing those tagging post stuff. These are some of the things that bring me some joy :) despite feeling the worst ever, I want to be here and I want to keep on doing, cause if I don't, I will probbaly disassociate for real and I don't even know what's next.

This is probably the longest text post I've written here, but well deserved cause four months away from my safe place... It's a lot. I don't know how long this motivation phase will take, I hope it's like before. But while I'm here, I want to be here.

Are you burned out, or have you just run out of ways to feel fear?

I think it is worthwhile to say that the current state of US politics is driven in large part by fear. The causes of this fear are rooted in the instability of our economy, and as a lens, I've broken down and categorized some of the most common reactions to systemic collapse I've seen online through the "5 Fs" of the sympathetic nervous system.

1. Fight.

In reality: This includes activism, organizing, community engagement, as well as direct action. In 2023 we've seen a HUGE surge of union organizing. People can see the problem, and have conceptualized and activated solutions.

In rhetoric: The kill all billionaires/eat the rich memes, the passionate outcry against the automation of artist labor, and the circulation of pro-labor memes.

2. Flight

In reality: Some people are choosing to leave the United States for countries with greater social safety nets and lower cost of living. This is migration. Others have gravitated toward solutions like "van life" or tiny homes. The increasing ability of post-pandemic workers to work from home has really enabled this in a new way.

In rhetoric: The running joke about wanting to live in a commune in the woods with your friends. The desire to flee earth and live on Mars/the moon. Other kinds of escapist fantasy and play provide a temporary reprieve. Almost all of homesteading/cottagecore content online.

3. Freeze

In reality: This is I think the big one for a lot of people. Overlapping crises have generated huge amounts of paralysis. People get depressed, and are unable to do anything but watch in horror, and grow more isolated. It feels "too big" to even look at.

In rhetoric: Doomerism! Blackpilling and doomer posting are all great examples of a freeze response to crisis.

4. Fawn

In reality: Doubling down on the current system. Getting a side hustle. Joining an MLM. Getting super into Crypto or NFTs This isn't only about survival, it'd about developing a sense of control-- that if you just believe hard enough, you can save yourself.

In rhetoric: A lot of the online fawners are in Ponzi or pyramid schemes. Telling people to "hustle" or "grind" or "get your money up".

5. Faint

In reality: You have reached burnout. You physically cannot work anymore, and your body can't sustain whatever it was keeping you going before. People get sick, either physically or mentally, and the situation can quickly become dire.

In rhetoric: This can look like doomer posting, but more often it's outcry of exhaustion. Disabled people get here first, and we often have to resort to crowdfunding the expenses needed to get us through.

It's worth pointing out that people can and do move fluidly through these categories, often. I'm also sure there are also lots of other responses that don't map cleanly onto this framework!

But what are we all so afraid of?

The answer is instability. Overlapping crises, mismanagement, and deliberate malicious sabotage have created an environment of enormous instability where nothing is guaranteed for anyone without reserves of cash. Because of this unpredictable future, and a background hum of terror that we will fall through the cracks, unable to cushion our landing with a giant pile of money, we end up exhausting ourselves managing our (extremely reasonable and rational, given the circumstances) fear responses.

Get To Know The Mun

------The Basics!

Name: Owl (or Sam).

Pronouns: He/Him

Zodiac Sign: Libra (Scorpio cusp)

Single/Taken: Married

------Three Facts!

1- I grew up on horror movies and metal musik. Although my library is also full of different genres, metal music and synthwave (tho I'm fussy) are my favourites. 80's music is still some of the best music to this date imo. Watching slashers and thrillers are sort of comfort films to me, in a sense, which might seem odd to some people. But growing up in the 90's as a kid that liked these things, I was very outcasted. Writing Megatron and getting inside his head was a big outlet for me, and he's definitely a comfort character because of all the stuff he's endured. The post-war series I began writing started over 10 years ago. Back then, it was a personal journey for me just as much as it was for him. And now, over 10 years later, I'm rewriting the whole series (or... most of it lol), and looking back has been another wonderful journey, and also the reason I got back into the TF community!

2- I work in healthcare. I've worked in hospitals, clinics and Drs offices. I take legitimately any sample that can be produced by the human body from any part of the human body--yep... I mean any part (swabs, bloods, urines, faeces, histo, semen--ANYTHING), I also do heart checks and BP's, and covid, which let me tell you... working in healthcare during a pandemic is likely one of the hardest things I've ever done. I'm still burnt out and many of us are, so please give your healthcare workers some slack. <3 I've almost finished my studies for training and assessing, so I'm hoping to become a mentor or a teacher/trainer in my field :)

3- I was diagnosed late in life with Autism (severe Aspergers). Although I'd already diagnosed myself (lol, I'm obsessed with psychology and had also diagnosed my sister with BPD when I was like 16 which turned out to be legit), having that professional diagnosis meant a lot for me when it came to understanding myself and my behaviours, especially in my adolescence. It can mean at times that I am very overwhelmed and SLOW here (I'm also still studying, working, learning German and piano, plus I have other hobbies and blogs). Please don't take it personally if I don't always reply in IMs, especially due to time zones, but sometimes I'm just legitimately exhausted mentally and physically. My work is extremely demanding and busy and renders me fatigued. I also have other health stuff going on which renders me tired on a daily basis (:

------Experience!

Platforms Used: DeviantART, hotmail, MSN, RP forums, Skype, Tumblr. I've been around a long time lol.

Plotting / Winging It / Memes: All of the above tbh. I think that memes are a really good way to break the ice, but I definitely love plots as well, and getting to have long term RP partners <3 Srsly, if we're long term, I will likely gush with you about potential ships and stuff lol.

------Muse Preference!

Gender: I've Rped all, but I definitely feel more comfortable with male muses. I relate better with them.

Multi or Single: I've got both, and it entirely depends on how active the muse is. I definitely think single muses are easier to handle, but I've also got muses that had been neglected because signing in onto different profiles was a pain in the arse lol, and their activity was so low I felt like there was barely a point in having their whole blog to themselves, so I moved them all to a multi, and it's been a lot easier for me to manage. But then there's some muses that are just so loud that they gotta be on single ones lol.

Least Favourite Faceclaim(s): Most Game of Thrones actors are very over used, especially in some of the fandoms I'm in.

------Fluff / Angst / Smut!

Fluff: I adore fluff. But with Megatron, it's got to be a long standing relationship. He's not known for breaking down his walls and being comfortable exposing himself. It's going to take a lot of time and patience.

Angst: Look, I am a SUCKER for angst okay. Megatron is OOZING it anyway lol. But yes, angst!

Smut: I've been writing smut for over a decade, I'm very comfortable with it, and I love writing it. But I'm also PICKY with it, because the muses need to have chemistry, and if there's none, then it's not going to happen. Megatron is likely to sleep with MANY people, but there's also gotta be chemistry between the mods as well, because this is something that I do take pretty seriously when involving someone else. Just because I'm hella ace doesn't mean the muse is lol, and if there's chemistry, then heck yeah. I'm pretty open minded.

Tagged: @blackwldcw ( thank you dear! ) Tagging: If you're not done it yet, then YOU!

Ladies, if someone calls you selfish for taking care of yourself flip the script and ask them “isn’t it selfish to ask me to take on more when I already feel so burnt out?”

After working too hard for years, I got cancer. The experience taught me that taking care of ourselves isn’t selfish. It’s the best thing for us and the people around us.

You’re being selfish.

That is the insult that is often used to deter women from taking care of themselves. Women are usuallyexpected to nurture others and not themselves.

But what if women are giving too much? What if this imbalance is creating ailments, illnesses, and mental health issues that are creating a generation of women who are sick and tired of being sick and tired?

In 2018, I was working as a psychotherapist in private practice, seeing clients who were sharing their most traumatic moments and heartaches with me six days a week, often until 9:30 p.m. The long days, emotional load, and burden of having to be their life raft were overwhelming in themselves, but then I also had to start and end my days as a wife and mother to two very young children.

The seeds of my burnout were planted long before then. During grad school, I developed an aggressive case of shingles, an illness that is mostly seen in older people with a weakened immune system; researchers believe that shingles can also be caused by intense levels of stress. A few years later, I suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of both of my children, as I had no maternity leave and a caseload of clients who needed me to come back to work before I was physically and emotionally ready.

But I kept going, battling brain fog, the constant feeling of being overwhelmed, and a mix of depression and anxiety that lasted for years. I told myself I had to, no matter how exhausted I was, because being selfless is what women are supposed to do.

Then, in 2018, at 29 years old, with two small children at home, I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I was completely blindsided.

My care team consisted of some of the best doctors in the Philadelphia area, and thankfully I made a full recovery. But the experience shook me and forced me to reexamine my life and my choices. I realized that if I didn’t ever put myself first, my health would suffer. I realized I needed to start being selfish.

And I’m asking every woman to join me.

The need is urgent. Since the pandemic started, women have taken on even more roles than they had before. We’ve seen women juggling full-time careers, teaching responsibilities, housekeeping duties, and mental load-bearing in ways that we might not have been able to fathom just a few short years ago. And, of course, they are expected to do so with a smile.

We are taught to be selfless, and our mental and physical health is suffering because of this.

I believe that women need to prioritize moments of selfishness and rewrite the narrative of gender roles and expectations. If we can incentivize women to be selfish in the same ways that we do so with men (who get ample time for watching sports, or playing video games, or doing some “male-bonding”), we will likely see a multitude of positive results, including decreased rates of physical and mental health issues amongst women. And when we’re happier and healthier, so, too, will be the people around us. (See? You can even argue that it’s selfless to be selfish sometimes.)

This type of “self-care” will look different to everyone. It may be asking for more leave from work, setting boundaries by saying no to more things, renegotiating who does what with your partner to try and even out the household workload, or scheduling a night out with friends. It means prioritizing your needs and the things you want, whatever they are, in an effort to feel more balanced.

This Labor Day, let’s send the women in our lives an “anti-Labor Day” message — tell them to be a little selfish, and put themselves first.

Danielle Massi is the CEO of The Wellness Collective, a holistic healing space in Philadelphia, and the founder of the SELF(ISH)philly Conference.

Hi, I’m Toni.

Got a slew of new followers and I’ve been almost inactive the last half a year (at least) so wanted to do an update/intro so you know who I am LOL and so my long suffering fandom besties know what the fuck’s been going on (if anyone still cares rip sorry it’s been forever)

Currently writing this from my sick bed of ear cellulitis? That I got from wearing my mask? It would literally only happen to me. Had to go to urgent care and get a butt shot of antibiotics so it didn’t, you know, spread to my bloodstream :)

Anyways I say that to say that I probably got sick in the first place because I’m incredibly run down right now. The classical music world (im a professional musician) FINALLY opened up again, and to meet gig demands I only work my pandemic retail job once a week. I have been traveling the last four weekends in a ROW, which, due to my chronic pain (which has seen SOME improvement over the last year!!) makes me super duper exhausted and I have to admit tik tok has been getting most of my brain numbing time.

Life post-happy drugs has been tough. I’ve seen improvement in the areas I wanted to, physically, but mentally god. Drugs were nice. Anywho, I’ve done a ton of witchy/ancestral connecting/herbalist kinda things the last six months, and I now have an alter and a spiritual practice that has really brought me a lot of growth and meaning. It’s hard healing from your past when you’re still living IN it… and there’s no improvement with my parents. They’re still homophobic as hell and Republican as fuck, despite screaming matches. The threats of physical violence prevent me from confronting my dad any further. I’ve kind of given up hoping they will ever change.

It’s funny though, I would classify this year as the year I started to “feel” things, and of course that happened physically post the drugs, but also emotionally once I started to let myself FEEL emotions, god what a train wreck. Who knew humans could CRY so much? That emotional revelation led to the probably overdue realization that I’m likely Autistic and high masking, and have been suffering from that classic 30’s wall that “gifted girl high masking autistic children” eventually hit wherein they are no longer able to just push through and ignore. That’s been tough.

Writing has always been how I process and understand emotions, and now that I’ve started to actually FEEL them, it hasn’t become as essential to my functioning as it had been the last six or so years. I miss it, and I plan on finishing all my projects I left behind… as I’ve said many time The Garden part 3 IS coming I promise lol. But! Hopefully. And no promises. But I have the most delightful Christmas fic tucked into my head that I would love to publish this year, if I can find the time to get it on paper.

Okay as for fandom… I did a “growth thing” earlier this year and deleted all the bbygate stuff I’d been saving for the inevitable end. I just can’t anymore. All the photoshop, the blatant exploitation of it all… yeah I think the best option is just not to care. If they’re gonna drag this out for the rest of my life then I’m going to ignore the shit out of it. Speaking of ignoring, I also noped out of the H and O nonsense. God. What a MESS. I liked HH, truly, but the fave for me was Matilda. To be honest with you all, I listened until I grew naturally full of the album and I moved on with my life, it wasn’t world changing to me the way FL was. HOWEVER. FITF? Lord save me i didn’t even know it was coming out and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m fucking obsessed. I’m planning a MP. I genuinely think it’s Louis’ finest work and I can’t get enough of it. Every time I listen I like it MORE. I theorize it’s going to be a slow blooming album that smacks everyone’s expectations in the face. I’m so fucking proud of Louis. I bawled real ugly tears at Common People.

And lastly as always, I believe the boys were in love but I make no claims about their lives now. I enjoy the hints and speculation and love larrying along, but I think they’ve established these personas that are bulletproof to fan speculation these days, and I feel that’s how they truly want it. And that’s cool, won’t stop me from writing Larry because it was the truest gayest baby Star crossed lovers story out there and still makes the best fan fic.

Apologies for the novel but nice to meet you if you’re new HI I’M TRYING TO BE BACK to my old chums, and feel free as always to talk to me, my ask box is always open ❤️