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dionysus-complex · 4 months

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hello! I read you're "predominantly a Romanist" so I'm not really sure if you can help me but I have this question bugging me for weeks and I thought some clarity from people more expert than me could probably be insightful, so here's the tea: many generations of Italian high schoolers have been taught that Sappho was the headmaster of some sort of college (the term used in lit history books is "thiasus", but I'm 99% sure this is some wild anachronism, and that if such institution even existed it was certainly not called that); according to Ye Olde Books, this thiasus was some sort of bon ton academy to prep young girls for womanhood and marriage, and Sappho's homoerotic poetry must be therefore viewed through this "socratic" lens. Herein lies the issue, that while there seems to be no ancient evidence to prove or disprove this fact, every Italian schoolbook I've stumbled upon either in high school or university never provided a source for this (they all mention the Souda which is problematic in itself, but even there it's only said that her pupils were so and so and so, not that she was actually the head of any formal institution). Plus, looking over on wikipedia, the Italian one takes the thiasus claim at face value without even giving a source (again), while the English wikipedia goes at a length to explain that this idea has no historical grounds and it's just a xix century suggestion. I've even stumbled upon this Maximus Tyrius rhetorician from the second century and he quotes Sappho's views on love and the women she loved, without explicitly saying they were her pupils or part of an academic circle.

So, here's my question: is this concept actually still taught in the Anglo world, and is there any substantial evidence for it? Is it just a weird little straightwashing lie that is still taught in my home country to try and justify any homoerotic reading of the Lesbian, or is there possibly any truth in it?

Sorry for the long ask but I'm going kinda insane here, and i thought one thing i could do is hear from some non Italians cause it's clear to me that all Italian texts are more or less a copypaste of each other on this subject; if you could please tell me anything about this I'd be so thankful, thanks a lot xoxo

Hello! It's been a minute since I've been seriously engaged with Sappho scholarship, but this is something I am familiar with.

The short answer is, no, as far as I know there is no real ancient evidence for it and the concept has generally been regarded as debunked in English-language scholarship since the 90s. The oldest source we have for the concept is the 10th c. CE Souda, which (as you mention) is deeply problematic for a variety of reasons, and it seems probable that the idea of Sappho's thiasos originates with one of the many Greek comedies about Sappho (Sappho was something of a stock character in Greek comedy, with the joke typically being her excessive (hetero-)sexuality rather than homosexuality). The idea seems to have been picked up by 19th century German scholars, and the argument for it relies on the testimony in the Souda along with apparent parallels between Sappho's expression of homoerotic desire and the homoerotic language between women and girls in Alcman's parthenaia, which do have a context of chorus trainer/trainee relationships. However, there is probably no good reason to assume that Alcman/Sappho parallels make for a strong argument considering that the texts come from entirely different city-states and social contexts. I do know that Renate Schlesier has argued for a much less heteronormative and IMO more plausible version of the thiasos idea, which is essentially that the circle of women mentioned in Sappho's poetry is not any kind of "academy to prepare (aristocratic) young women for marriage" but a circle of enslaved sex workers/courtesans (hetairai). Schlesier cites the fact that the female personal names mentioned in Sappho's poetry are all names that would typically be associated with enslaved women and hetairai, at least prior to the Hellenistic period, and considering that the symposium was probably the main venue for the performance of erotic lyric in antiquity this seems to make a good deal of sense.

I won't recommend the article that essentially debunked the thiasos idea on account of its author being a truly awful person for unrelated reasons, but I would recommend this excellent Eidolon piece on "Re-Queering Sappho" as well as Melissa Mueller's 2021 chapter "Sappho and Sexuality" in The Cambridge Companion to Sappho (link here, but probably requires a library subscription) which covers the history of the idea very well and presents a compelling reworking of the idea of Sappho's circle in a way that embraces rather than resists the queerness of Sappho's poetry.

#sappho #asks

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nerdchic · 10 days

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hi sorry for coming across as inappropriate (also sorry if my english is going to be weird, i’m not a native speaker) i’ve been lurking on some gold star blogs/female homosexual here (especially yours because i really really like your arguments) and while i have always thought i was a lesbian, some things you girls said made me a little confused. i’m prefacing this by saying that i’m 19 yo, i’ve always identified as a lesbian since i was a pre-teen, i have always had relationships with women and i only hookup with women, and i’m actually in a long term relationship with a woman rn. i’ve never felt anything toward men, i have some male friends but i’ve never felt attracted sexually nor romantically to them, idk how to explain it, i like them as people but their bodies don’t attract me (same with trans women) but a couple of bad things happened and now idk if it’s wrong to say that i’m a lesbian because basically i used to be a gold star but now i’m not anymore. i’ll try to be as less graphic as possible because i don’t want to make both you and me uncomfortable, but basically, i have a very hard time saying no to people, in any context. i have problems with putting boundaries with people and i used to be a big people pleaser and two different occasions that led two men to have sex with me. basically they tried to pursue me sexually and i was to scared to say no because i thought they would hurt me physically and verbally (it has happened when i was younger and it really stuck with me). i let them have sex with me and while i wasn’t attracted at all to them and the entire act was genuinely disgusting and unenjoyable, i didn’t tell them i didn’t want to do it because i was afraid of their possible reactions, i didn’t know how to say no without making them mad. needlessly to say that i ended up traumatized even tho i wasn’t objectively SAed and it was my fault because i didn’t tell them to stop, and now i’m in therapy. i’ve never considered myself bisexual because of these episodes, i didn’t enjoy the act and i knew i wouldn’t have enjoyed it but i just tried to distract me while they did what they did, hoping for that to end (also, with the second guy, i also tried to tell him i didn’t want to but he didn’t take me seriously), but i’ve seen a lot of lesbians here say that you can be a lesbian if you aren’t a gold star (unless you weren’t SAed) and i’m confused on what to do because i know for sure i don’t like men sexually nor romantically and i could never initiate something with a man. also i’ve read some things about “comp het” and “male validation” and it doesn’t reasonate with me because i’ve never had sexual/romantic thoughts on a man.

It didn’t happen just once (had you left it at that I’d still be skeptical), but you had sex with males twice despite not being attracted to them according to you. I don’t believe it.

Sorry you’re in therapy but I can’t imagine a valid excuse as to why a lesbian would willingly have sex with a man.

#asks

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cowboyjen68 · 2 years

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Hi Jen, and hello every butch reading this. I need your help.

I don't know where to begin, this has veen a problem for me for almost a decade now. I've followed you (Jen) for a few years now, and you're a very comforting figure to my brain, so I was hoping you and possibly others could help me out a bit. If not answers, then some good advice, open mindedness, patience, and possibly links to resources and helpful places. I've wanted to reach out to older butches and such about my issues with gender for a while, because I've flipped between a few and always have my mind coming back to butch in some form or another. Whether I act on it between each circle back or not, it stays.

I came out as some flavor of trans around 13, and then moved towards binary FtM around 14 or 15, which is when I met my first partner ever. I've had a ton of jumps back to being just kind of butch but in a weird middle butch state of not lesbian, not ftm, not anything but butch. I grew up in the midwest for 10 years (starting at 10,) and came out as a lesbian at 11 or 12. Regardless of how I was identifying in highschool, I was bullied and catcalled as a lesbian my whole childhood, seen as a d/ke, called it, I got the worst of it all, had girls try to kick my ass and dudes try to "turn me." I hung out with the fem cishet alt girls half my height and half my weight, carried them around, I was the ugly tall bitch that protected them. Had a wicked shaved head, wearing mens clothes handmedown, mens boots, brought a swiss army knife everywhere and my own wallet and housekeys. Getting pencils thrown at my head, smoking weed in the girls room, forced to change in the gender neutral stall for gym cause the school didnt know what to do with me. Guys would honk as they went past and shout dyke at me, so I started trying to blend in with highlighter shirts and jeans etc. Typical midwestern shit. I feel that despite now living as a man, i had the lived experience since a very young age (even before moving to the midwest,) of a butch. I am now fully living life as a cis man, stealth, and dating an amazing queer trans dude whose possibly genderfluid, and also very fem. He also identified as a lesbian for a long time and experienced a lot of toxicity there, and was nonbinary in his past, and I met him when he was agender and queer. He's amazing, I'm going to marry him, and he's everything I love in a partner. Feminine, went to cosmetology school, pretty nails, chubby, likes to bake and shop and wants to cook me steak, wants me to carry his stuff and his groceries, calls me his scary dog privleges, wants to scratch my sideshave. He realized he was trans and came out after we met, and I've been his biggest support against everything else, and I always will be. I love him, I'm attracted to him and he's the only person i ever have been. So I dont think I qualify anymore as a butch, despite using the term and being a butch for so many years. I was a butch, I still feel it even if I'm not really into many people at all including women (also on the aro/ace spectrum haha), but now I'm a man, I have a beard, I have a boyfriend I will never leave, who knows how I feel and loves me and we both know no matter where we end up gender wise or sexuality wise that pretty much me and him are it, and if it contradicts, who gives a shit, yknow?

My dating history has always been feminine nbs, feminine trans boys, and femme lesbians. I have never dated a masculine cis man, masculine nb, anyone masculine at all. For lack of better terms due to my situation, I have always been butxh4femme and at least masc4fem. I have always been the guardian and gentle giant of my fem partners, I also am mostly a stone butch due to sexual trauma and asexuality. Due to my aroace-ness, I've also hardly dated literally anyone lmao! Maybe 3 people longterm and seriously in my entire 21 years. This is getting really long, and I'll be honest, I've been yelled out of all communities I've been in for being so damn complicated. I'm scared I'll hurt mt partner and he'll feel I don't see him as he is, I'm scared I'll hurt lesbians despite living and growing as one most of my life, I'm scared I'll hurt me by identifying as butch because I feel like I'll have to detransition. I also kinda look fuck ugly without a beard nowadays, cause lord knows I've shaved that shit fullon twice now because of this exact issue.

I want to be called sir, and I love being on T. I hate getting a period, and my bottom dysphoria is agonizing, but I probably wont get bottom surgery. I want to not be catcalled. I want to get top surgery eventually, and maybe I don't want a full beard. I wanna cut all the sleeves off my shirts again and get some sexy workboots and jeans. I know I want my pretty femboy boyfriend on my arm forever, I don't care how he ends up identifying or me either, and to see him wear his dress on our wedding day. I want to be butch but still be seen as a man, but I don't think I'm allowed because so many people have shit on me for it and said I'm not. But I still wear my keys on my belt. I still lift the heavy shit, emotionally or physically, every day for him. I still do my role, I still protect the people around me. But I don't want people to look at me when I say butch and assume me or my boy are women, out of respect for him and me too.

Advice needed, please, anybody that's willing to help me and help me find my path. It's been so back and fourth so long. Thank you.

- R

i am sorry for taking so long. Fall is a very busy season with all my jobs ramping up and getting ready for winter on the homestead.

Your writing was a lot to absorb and I admit I read it several times and had to come back because it weighed on my emotions and heart heavily. I was driving tractor last night so I had lot of thinking time. I went over in my head how you much feel, how I could possibly answer this with any coherant advice or even just some comforting words.

You are only 21, my advice if you were my child (i have 3--25 year olds, a 22 year old and a 16 yo), would be to slow your roll. 3 serious relationships by 21 is a lot. At a time when we are sort of socially and mentally programmed to be free and using our energy to exlplore our individuality you were putting efforts into maintaining viable relationships with other people who were probably also trying to figure themselves out. I was 23 before I even had one serious relationship and i was probably still NOT ready for it.

When we never live a single life or a life on our own it becomes hard to separate who we are from our partner. It is normal to bounce off of each other and to both want badly to share the same values, identity and interestes EVEN if as individuals those things might never have lined up.

I am NOT a therapist nor can I possibly know you or your exact feelings, I can only go by what you told me. When I am asked for advice I am honest but kind, go from my experiences and or those stories I have been told by friends. Sometimes what I say is NOT what you want or expected to hear. That is okay. You can take what I say or leave it. Or use what helps, ignore what doesn't . So here it goes.

My point about you both meeting young,and thus relying on each other to work on your individuality comes into play here. You are both, I am guessing around 21. Neither of you have had any time to forge exactly who you are. Stastically what are the chances of two women who both lived as a lesbian meeting after you transitioned and the partner ALSO being trans but not coming out until AFTER the fact. Until after the relationship has progessed.? Speaking in terms of how many trans people are in the population that feels like quite a statistical anomally. What are the chances? Now I suck and math and I know the percentage of any given population in the LGBT+ community as compared to greater society seems sketchy, based on shitty research and at best a bad guess. It just gives me a bit of pause and might give you some food for thought, a chance to think over outside influence vs life long dysphoia or other factors.

I preface this by saying I can in no way know you or your partner or pasts or any actual feelings, only what you have told me. I appreciate your stark honesty and your willingness to admit you are struggling. Reaching out is hard even as an anon. Is it in any way possible your partner was influenced heavily by wanting badly to share your life, your values, to feel more inline with you and to feel more close to you and to solidify the relationship in a space that she perceives as more comfortable to you. OR perhaps even your friend group?

You talk aboout pressure from all sides to be this or be that and if you are a trans man I am sure she was getting not too subtle pressure to not use lesbian even though she was maybe just fine with that, it felt right. There is a vicious push from inside the house to tell people how to describe their sexuality and relationship when it is no one’s business. Others feel uncomfortable when two people live their lives as they see fit and don’t rely on how people perceive them to be happy. It makes some people nuts in fact.

To your concern about detransitioning or not or what makes you happy. I know detransitioners and they slide just fine back into the lesbian community they used to have or they have found their own new lesbians friend group. It is not impossible. At many events I have been to in my life, women’s festivals included, there were tans men there who lived soley as men outside the protective walls of women spaces but were happy to be seen as women within the safety of the limited time and space of the event. You can find community among lesbian no matter how you land, it just takes a little bravery and ultimately being okay with yourself.

I am not going to tell you it is easy no matter the path you choose. Reidentifying as a woman with a full beard and staying on T is never going to be as easy as just saying “I am THIS “. You would have to spend time coming back out, explaining etc until such a time you formed a community who knows you and understands your past.

Everything you described that you love is everything I love about being butch, I am short, 5′3 so I didn’t experience some things like you have as tall woman in high school, BUT I was definitely clocked as a lesbian even with great effort to be seen has just wearing “typical midwestern shit”. My entire wardrobe was T shirts, sweatshirts, jeand and tennis shoes. I gave up my beloved cowboy boots because others said they made me “look even more like a boy” and in the 1980′s I tranlated that to “butch lesbian” even if I did not have those words. I knew damn well what they were inferring.

I also know lesbians who take T and remain in the lesbian community, they just feel they need to pass more as men in the larger world for their peace of mind, safety, job, whatever. So deciding that lesbian and butch is right for you does not mean you can’t continue to utilize tools that help you to feel okay.

This is getting a bit long and I will admit I am unendingly biased, I have never denied that and don’t hide the fact that I think being a butch lesbian is wonderful. GIven all the factors and insecurities you have shared with me being a butch seems like the path of least resistance. Cutting back on T, not constantly worrying about “am I or am I not” and getting back to the basics of what you seemed to understand as you were coming out, before there was transitioning on your table. EVEN in the face of bullying and knowing being a lesbian was not desirable to the outside world you could not escape it and you came out. Perhaps because when you can’t escape you meet something head on and embrace it since that pulls power from the outsiders.

When you and your partner are alone, away from all others. In the safety of you bed, talking softly and about your day or your plans tomorrow, the world gets no say. You both know that is true in your hearts and please don’t let those in the world, in our own community poison that with pressure and accusations. DO NOT give them control of your heart, of your love.

Best of luck and butch hugs to you.

#butch #femme #trans man #love #pressure #lesbian

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surveillance-0011 · 11 months

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impromptu grab-bagish splatband hcs

Warabi

VC: salesperson bbq ena

He/him mainly but mostly anything goes. Unlabeled but under nb umbrella and appears to swing both ways, either aroaspec or just uninterested

A sly, smug aura. Seems very laid back most times, kind of like he has a feeling how everything is going to play out. A lot of times he comes across as someone who doesn’t take much seriously.

However he is a very opinionated and passionate person. There are some things he could rant on about for ages and some circumstances break this cool and collected presentation. Other times it seems to fall apart for no reason and Warabi randomly gets really emotive and excited.

He can be very cryptic, contradictory and argumentative, esp with Ikkan

While kind of frustrating to work with, he does care for many- and likes them, he wouldn’t do any long term work with someone he hates!! He will stand up for them and encourage them more directly when required.

He is a little more straightforward when interacting with Marina and Paul, showing a more more tender thoughtful side that he usually challenges others to pry out into the open.

In general it seems his more mischievous streak is his way of guiding others to answers/thoughts he cannot share directly for one reason or another. Why? To avoid more friction? Increase it to get the desired reaction? Because it's funny? Unintentional??

Likes weird flavor convos and experimenting w/ food mixtures. Would make battery acid spaghetti and the like out of curiosity

Yoko:

Flat voice, if a little sad-sounding

She/her trans lesbian

Not super emotive but always seems at least a little gloomy, anxious or tired. Many unfamiliar with her are often blown away by her bombastic performances as the contrast her demeanor off the stage.

A bit insecure which causes her to become more closed off. However it is kind of a negative cycle because this makes her more worried.

Struggles with chronic depression and fatigue, both becoming worse in certain weather and temperatures. Both are influenced by the same condition that allows her to change her ink color in different segments. Music is her one escape.

Gets sick more than others, not too often but just enough to be notable.

Needs a lot of verbal validation and communication, she has a hard time picking up on more subtle cues. It embarrasses her but most assure her it’s all fine

Likes a lot of sweets. Mainly digs light fruity flavors and fluffy desserts but will go with something more decadent every now and then. Favorite fruit is strawberry or mango.

Dating Karen.

Has a younger sister who is a total ray of sunshine

Prefers coffee but would go for an iced green tea on a summer afternoon

Likes temperate weather the most. Colder stormy weather makes her depression and other symptoms worse but super hot weather is very uncomfortable too...

Doesn't smoke, only drinks in moderation

Taka

They maybe he

Bi. Greyro

Shallow cunt. They'e not totally uncaring towards art but it is much MUCH more about the fame and fortune to them than their band mates and many other splatband members.

Both a total elitist and total poseur. Well maybe not total... but they r the sort to say like "name three songs from x" if you wear a shirt from a band but seems to care more about the image than the meaning below

Cocky above it all.. show off!!

Gets way too chummy with people

He doesn't really try to start fights but will instead give the cold shoulder to those he dislikes. Very patronizing

Not very physically strong. Likes to think he is

Social and outgoing. Likes the attention and being around others

Also likes finger foods, big on appetizers and lil snacks he needs his treats.

Like savory foods, stuff like wings and burgers but also cool with seafood

Also likes a good cokey cola... drinks a lil too much soda tee bee aych...

can do knife tricks. Kuze and Nishida feign interest

Worries a lot about not seeming cool enough

Enjoys cloudier rainy weather

Beika

he/him

Passionate about music but the fame is kind of getting to his head. The other two are worried about this.

Has a bit of a lying problem

If not a total lie then the sqsq drama was based on some rather close-sounding songs. But Beika did still exaggerate and act accusatory while drunk and has refused to change the story bc well.

Cares deeply about his friends and the image of the band. This does not mean he is necessarily cautious.

Tries to be a laid back cool guy but he is a bit of a dork

A risk-taker, also competitive, horrifically so. Tends to pick fights

Comes off as a little mean/abrasive, but he's got kindness in his heart if anything a lot of his rudeness is to protect himself and those he holds dear

Tends to underestimate others and assume he knows em a little better than he does

Keeps grudges.

Likes summer and warm sunny weather. HAAATES winter and rain

Kikura

She/they

VC: Harriet or Joan from clone high or Jade from victorious

Quiet and to-the-point, she is often curt. In groups she steps out of the spotlight and acts more lowkey but one-on-one she can become more intense in her words and general demeanor.

However she is friendly!! She just gets a lil shy and socially awkward...

Generally reasonable but sometimes she gets caught up in ideas that seem really cool but are impractical. It can be a new gimmick for the stage, buying an ice cream cone she's too full to finish because it's cute or she has a coupon, etc...

There are also times she gets rather fired up!

Often late. Sleeps through alarms, taps the snooze button, gets caught up checking their phone or making breakfast. Even when they try to be on time it seems problems out of their control delay their arrival

Beika tests her patience often but she really digs his style and thinks all the rudeness is for show.

Prefers the city to small towns (which she came from, probably) and dislikes rural areas

Very used to modern convenience. Would throw up if she had to spend a day w/o her phone

Uotora

A bit rough and tumble esp in presentation, but probably the kindest of C-side's members.

Can be a little bit absent minded in the moment and is a kinda Goofy Guy but also probably the most levelheaded/rational one

Gives good hugs. But watch out.

I don't have much to say I think uotora is like. an all around good guy. pleasant to be around. people always have good stuff to say abt em. Maybe not the most remarkable but a solid stable and happy individual who people miss when they're not around!!

Sometimes they do feel like they look after the other two a lil more than they have to. They are currently on the look out for any retaliation from omega 3 due to Beika thinking their cover is "funny".

Dedf1sh

Mainly she but okay w/ playing around with things

Not fuzzed, the Octoplush song was an homage to her style as one/many of its members r huge fans.

Her music pre-sanitization is considered a hidden gem that opens up a rabbit hole to the story of a mysterious disappeared artist. The general public doesn't know about her sanitization. Some songs have leaked from the metro but it is not known for sure that its all hers

Always was a hard worker, always pushed herself to perfect her craft.

She's kind of an empty shell now, or perhaps locked inside her head. However with Tartar's influence fading recovery seems possible.

It appears she has escaped the metro considering her signature, unless that is something she wrote before sanitization if she was ever able to reach the surface

Had/has synesthesia which greatly impacted her interest in music.

Captain 3/ DJ Sango is greatly inspired by her work. They found her music very interesting and between that and the other events of OE they realized just how valuable their time on earth is, and so they decided to do what they often thought of but never really followed through with.

Agent 8 is also very touched and disturbed by Dedf1sh's story and hopes she and the other poor souls down in the metro someday find peace and perhaps another chance at life...

Older sib to Paul

Kinda sorta knew Marina through friends and looked up to her for separating form the army to do her own thing

Exchanged messages with Warabi over an internet forum page, could be considered online pen pals

On top of wanting less distractions from music-making, Dedf1sh thought she'd effectively immortalize herself and her music+legacy through sanitization. She feared for her future as the domes' energy failed and wasn't sure if she or her music would survive

She wanted to share what she thought was important with the world and make enough money to support her family

She scrounged up enough money to help Paul move to the surface before she came across the metro

#splatbands #splatoon #splatoon headacnons #headcanons #splatoon 3 #read more #under read more #this is long ehehehe

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scoutpologist · 1 year

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i see a lot of people refer to raine as sapphic/a lesbian or lumping in raeda with wlw couples (down to marking them as wlw on ao3, despite having the option to mark them as a nonbinary pairing), and while i more than understand the complexities and reasons why someone might be completely separate from womanhood and still identify with those labels (i even id'd as a nb lesbian for fucking ages and have only started to question that label recently), it’s really… strange to me that there’s the immediate assumption that raine would be okay with being sorted into a binary category. just because we might like men or women doesn't mean we suddenly become aligned with man or womanhood ourselves. that’s not how it works!!! at all!!!! it's so fucking weird!!!!

i think there’s this assumption among a lot of people that because nonbinary lesbians/sapphics and nonbinary gay men/achilleans exist, every nonbinary person attracted to women or men is a lesbian or a gay man respectively. but that’s just not true lol? just because those are valid identities doesn’t mean that’s the right word for every nonbinary person. a lot of us would probably consider being labeled like that personally misgendering?? the land of nonbinary identities is literally infinite and treating all nb people who are attracted to a specific gender like they have to be aligned with that gender is weird as fuck???

and yeah on the other hand, there really aren’t agreed-upon words for how we love, especially how we love each other, and when terms do emerge, they’re either considered “cringe” or people just flat out don’t know what it means. what do you call a nonbinary person attracted to women without using binary words? what about to men? to other nonbinary people? we don’t have common language for it yet and it’ll likely take a while before we can fully settle into the words to describe ourselves without linking back to the binary. but i don't know. i don't think it's chill to so flippantly use gendered terms for a nonbinary character.

nonbinary gayness is a very complicated thing that is grounded in very human and cultural aspects. they don't have that in the boiling isles. there's no homophobia or transphobia. there isn't even evidence that the boiling isles has terms differentiating gay and straight and bisexual people, let alone trans people from cis people - the only character to come out as a specific sexuality has been luz, despite the majority of young queer characters being in the demon realm. if the terms of lesbian, sapphic, and wlw exist, i don't like the assumption that raine would identify with them just bc they like women (or at least A woman). it's just weird to me idk!!!

don't take this post like. too too seriously, but i'm just. idk. it's bothering me cause i'm so excited about them and seeing so many people insist on gendering their attraction is annoying to me personally

#op

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toastchild · 2 years

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OK, I'm not sure if I can phrase everything I want to say correctly, but I'll try anyway: YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!

Like, really!

Your art is just GORGEOUS, both old and new! And I love love LOVE that you included a bisexual trans male character! (SERIOUSLY, AS A BISEXUAL TRANS GUY MYSELF IT MEANS A LOT TO ME!) I just love Tristan so much, and (what seems to be) his li'l crush on Gabe is just adorable!

Although, to be honest, as much as I love those two (being laid-back and "looking for a dream boy" are two things I can heavily relate to), in terms of personality so far my favorite is perhaps Alizée, and design-wise it would be Noah. Like seriously, when it comes to Noah I can't decide if I just want to look like them or date them??? *fanboy scream* THEY'RE TOO COOL!!! (>////<)

Regardless, I just adore your comic, and everything about it. Everything looks great, everyone is adorable, the diversity is just AWESOME! Bianca and Penny's interactions are just so awkward, funny, cute, and relatable! I just love it! Thank you for bringing a little joy into my life as a non-straight, non-cis person looking for "rainbow" content.

Compliments aside, though, there's something I want to say. I just recently noticed you changed how you identify as, and I have to ask - how did you realize you were aro AND ace? If I remember correctly, you used to identify as aromantic and lesbian (sorry if that's not true, btw). Was it a case of you realizing you only liked girls in the aesthetic sense in spite of being open to intimacy and/or a relationship with them?

Sorry for the weird questions by the way, you don't have to answer them if you don't feel like it. I don't mean to be invasive, I'm just genuinely curious about such things, considering I am neither asexual nor aromantic exactly, and I have never felt any true semblance of being a lesbian (since I'm a trans boy who likes more than one gender, I could not feel any connection to the word "lesbian" when I learned about it even though I'm really into ladies).

If it somehow alleviates whatever discomfort I might have brought to you by bringing up a (possibly) unpleasant subject amidst such praise, I'd like for you to know that I have kind of aromantic/asexual -ish values myself. That is, in spite being a huge fan of romance and, er, "bedroom bonding," I think platonic love should always come first, and I always feel aces, aros, demis, and everyone in the ace/aro spectrum deserve better both in real life AND in fiction.

Anyway, I'm glad your art, comics, and characters exist, they're a treat to the eyes and a warm embrace for the soul, especially for LGBT+ people. I hope you continue to bring smiles to peoples' faces by being your lovely self, and I hope you always find people who do the same for you.

You are a rare jewel, and I wish you good luck on your journey as an artist, as a person, and as a human being.

(P.S. I just realized i made this message WAY too long than I had originally planned. I really went overboard with this one. Oh well... *shyly walks away*)

DUDE!!! I can't thank you enough for such an absolute essay I'm seriously so grateful for the time it must have taken to write this!! All your thoughts about my characters make me so so happy aaa I can't believe it <333

You're right, I used to identify as aromantic and lesbian and I still think women are very lovely! You're spot on, I'm definitely more into girls in an aesthetic sense I think they're funky and cool but god I would never want to date anyone.

I actually realized I am definitely asexual recently - basically w/o getting too explicit someone offered me the option to try "it" and it freaked me out so much it kind of set off an "ohhhh okay, I'm definitely not a sexual person" moment. Honestly, I kind of grew up being told I was too young to identify as asexual and to just wait until I'm older, but bro I'm older now and I still feel the same way so 🤠🤸‍♀️ Honestly I think my thoughts are if a label is resounding w you - give it a try, nothing has to be permanent! You're allowed to change your mind, there are no rules.

Anyway!! I just wanted to thank you again for writing to me and making my day, I hope you're absolutely thriving <333333

#long post #toastchild asks #<33333333 #ily!!!!

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pulverulents · 1 year

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#34: thoughts from the closet (alternative title: keeping quiet feels like shame)

I realised the last journal entry was formal as heck because I was so scared while writing it lol but I guess given the subject matter it makes sense. But hopefully now that I feel comfortable enough to be candid this will be more fun.

I made the mistake of opening twitter in the middle of the work day, and my brain fully short circuited because of Julien Baker at the boygenius Pittsburgh show, on stage with an open vest, no shirt, and rainbow boob tape.

I’m still at work now, and I’m only writing this because my brain literally cannot function to do anything else. Literally no thoughts head empty, only “oh my god I’m so gay”. (That is, using ‘gay’ as an umbrella term to describe my attraction to women. Mostly because saying “I’m so gay” just feels a lot more fun and candid than saying “I’m so queer” or “I’m so bi”. But I’m bi, and I will not stand for bi erasure!!)

It’s been just over half a month after coming out to myself, and the past few weeks of feeling through it and practising saying it to myself have been... pretty crazy, to say the least. I’m getting better at not giving myself crazy anxiety every time I see a video on twitter or tiktok of MUNA and boygenius and especially Julien Baker, but they’ve been getting crazier and crazier on stage that it’s really not making things any easier for me. It also doesn’t help that every time Josette Maskin does that hip thing with her guitar, or every time Julien Baker does something particularly cute or hot or both, every lesbian and bisexual girlie online and in real life goes feral (you can tell from the screaming and shaking in the videos). I mean, I do too. I couldn’t tell you how flustered I was when I first saw the boygenius cowboy shoot, or a fan edit of Josette Maskin in the One That Got Away music video, or that tiktok of Julien Baker winking, I think I truly lost my mind. I’m pretty sure I’m bi and not a lesbian, but maybe I have a preference for women (which is WILD considering that I was obsessed with a boy for 7-8 ish years).

It feels weird not being able to scream about Julien Baker and boygenius and MUNA on my spam or on my twitter because I’m basically still closeted (ok but seriously though, how are all of them so damn attractive??? Literally all 6 of them!!!!). And holding myself back from fangirling to my close friends over queer artists feels weird because I’ve never held myself back from fangirling over Taylor Swift. I’m sure some of them would have the opinion that I’m probably not straight because I’ve told them before that I didn’t think I was 100% straight (which, in hindsight, I can’t believe I actually said that and still refused to identify as queer because it’s total bullshit like it’s fully not possible by definition to be not 100% straight and still not be queer lmao @ old me hun denial is a river in egypt), but I’ve never put a proper label on myself until now so I feel like they still assume that I’m basically straight.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been vacillating violently between “you’re not dating anyone right now, you haven’t dated anyone ever, this isn’t anything significant, nobody cares, nobody needs to know” and “no you gotta do this because if you don’t then you’re just feeding into the shame and the comphet”. Like, intrinsically I know that deciding to stay closeted doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s because I’m ashamed of my queerness; there are several members of the LGBTQIA+ community who never feel the need to officially come out or feel like it isn’t a big deal whether or not they come out and there’s nothing wrong with that, but for me personally? Maybe all the past years of internalised homophobia and comphet have made it so that keeping quiet feels like shame, even if it’s not.

It’s still scary to think about coming out to them, though. The comphet has been giving me major imposter syndrome about being bi, and I’m scared that they’ll feed into it. I don’t want to be accused of calling myself queer just to fit in with the fan community of all the queer artists I listen to. Because that’s pretty fucked up, and it’s already taking so much of my effort to fight that voice that’s been lurking in my head because I know that it’s not real and it’s just a demon spawn of my own self-loathing and imposter syndrome. I know that I’m not in any real danger of my close friends reacting badly or outing me to people who I don’t want to be out to, but deep down the fear is still there. I know it’s irrational, but I can’t seem to get rid of it. But at the same time, these are the people to whom I have shown the most of myself, they are the only ones who really know about my history, and have journeyed with me through my struggles and my joys. It doesn’t feel right to hide such an integral part of myself from them, when they have already seen some of the worst parts of me and have stuck around in spite of it.

Or I could be completely wrong and they already know that I’m bi. I mean, despite the fact that I’d been obsessed with a boy for the past 7-8 ish years, I’ve realised that I’m literally a walking bisexual stereotype. The cuffed jeans, tucked shirt, rolled sleeves, awkward peace signs and thumbs-ups, flannels, inability to sit in a chair properly. I kind of dress like a butch lesbian, and I kind of have been doing that since my teenage years.

I was never very feminine as a child. I don’t remember much from my early childhood, but I do remember hating the colour pink, and hating wearing dresses. Heck, there are photos of me at age 8 being allowed to choose my CNY outfit for the first time and choosing to wear a dress shirt and pants, with my hair in a french braid. I used to think that I just have a complicated relationship with my femininity because of internalised misogyny and the patriarchy, but maybe it’s also because I’m gay. I used to justify the way I dress with “oh I don’t really care about fashion, I just throw on the first shirt and pants I see as long as it’s comfortable and it doesn’t clash”, but that’s a lie. I do care about fashion and the way I dress, deeply so, and I’ve just been saying that to hide the fact that most straight girls typically don’t quite dress as butchy as I do. And putting more effort into the way I dress in a way that feels comfortable would entail looking undeniably butchy, which was terrifying to consider when I was closeted to myself. I thought about considering gender, but gender is really fucky and even though I do occasionally feel some dysphoria, I don’t really feel any need to identify as anything other than a woman.

I’m not really very butch either, though, nor do I feel much of a desire to go full butch. As much as I dress like a butch lesbian in my day-to-day life, I do still enjoy feeling pretty, and sometimes I’m really feeling myself and my femininity if I’m in the right dress and the right headspace. I like eye makeup and will more than willingly wear it for performances, but lipstick makes me too uncomfortable. Even the fits that I wore for this year’s and last year’s reso concert were pretty feminine because they were dresses / skirts, but the shoes and top that I put together to complete the fit made it a little bit more butchy. And this was before I really started learning all these terms; I was just trying to style myself in a way that I thought looked and felt good and right. If I had to place myself along the spectrum of high femme to stone butch, I’d probably place myself somewhere within the ballpark of butchy femme to futch to soft masc, depending on how I feel that day. I don’t know, that just feels right for now, as I continue to explore how I want to be perceived.

Anyway, back to Julien Baker. I won’t lie, it feels good to say I’m gay or I’m bi without giving myself a panic attack. It’s.... liberating. I can feel myself slowly inching towards being able to truly feel queer joy. It’s slow, but it’s progress.

-jo

#journal #entry 34

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unlikelyjedi · 2 years

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My Hero Academia Pride Headcanons (Student Edition)

AAAAAHHH I'm so excited to talk about these. My Hero is my favorite anime, so it's only fitting I talk about it first!

I'm going to start with just the 1-A kids, but I also plan to do pro heroes and others like a few from LOV and Class 1-B in later posts!

Disclaimer: These are my own thoughts and opinions (hence the term headcanon). This is how I'm choosing to engage with this media in this post. There are other ways to engage with a chosen media and neither way of engagement invalidates the other. Art is subjective. Fandom is ultimately for fun! Don't take me too seriously!

Without further ado:

Midoriya Izuku (he/him): Bisexual

Honestly, Class 1-A is kind of just his harem. /hj

But really, I'm thinking about how flustered he gets around girls, or how he's got such good chemistry with Todoroki, Shinsou, etc. Or how his friendship with Kacchan can be read as a boy with an unrequited crush. I think he's more attracted to women than men. Like, maybe his initial attraction leans towards women, but he ends up forming much more natural chemistry faster with men. This is a ramble. But I think it's almost fitting I'm rambling on the King of Ramble's section.

Todoroki Shouto (he/him): Gay and Demisexual

Head empty, only pretty boy and parental issues. Todoroki Shouto lit up so fast when Midoriya confronted him and then he just never let him go. It's cute. I don't think he even realized he had a crush until much much much later, and only after his mom pointed it out. Bless his heart.

I also support a bisexual reading of Shouto because it fits the idea of his character. Feeling split in two but realizing he is one whole. Just as bisexuality isn't half gay/half straight, but a whole sexuality.

I also support other pairings like Seroroki, TodoBaku, TodoKiri. TodoIida, etc. I didn't mean to make it all TodoDeku, but ahhh, I've shown my cards. It's my favorite pairing in the show.

Bakugou Katsuki (he/him): Gay

Did Bakugou struggle with his sexuality? Probably not. He obviously wasn't worried about it. What is a relationship compared to being Number 1? He just likes guys. Nothing to get weird about.

Side note: after he becomes more open with people, he probably calls out "that's gay" whenever his classmates do literally anything affectionate with each other and Jirou has to exasperatedly point out "your boyfriend is literally in your lap."

I also support a bi/pan reading of Bakugou because why not? Art is subjective.

Kirishima Eijirou (he/him): Gay and Trans

Kirishima is a manly man. He is the manliest man. He is trans. and still very manly.

I like to headcanon that he has two moms who fully supported him when he told them he was a boy and he started socially transitioning pretty early. Not many people know he's trans, but it's not like he's shy about it.

Side note: Artists that draw Kiri with top scars are doing the mostest. Appreciate y'all.

Oh. and he's gay. Kirishima also wouldn't find that to be a big deal. It's just who he is. He never really came out. Just let people figure it out.

I also support a Pan reading of Kirishima.

Yaoyorozu Momo (she/her): Lesbian

This is supposed to be set in the future, but I do think there's still homophobia in smaller ways and/or in specific circles, like the elite. I feel like Yaomomo would have trouble both realizing she's a lesbian and feeling like she's safe enough to express that to her family. She's got no idea what they actually think about it, because it's so hush-hush and that scares her.

Don't worry though. Her gf helps her out and she's eventually able to tell her parents and they eventually accept her. (Is this me projecting my unfinished Pro Hero!Momo MomoJirou fic onto a headcanon post? Yes, yes it is.)

Jirou Kyouka (she/they): Bisexual

She likes the men. She likes the women. She likes in-between and beyond, and she doesn't care what you think about it. Homophobes can fuck off!

Despite how shy they come off, she's not about to take people's shit about herself and especially not her friends. Mean Bisexual.

Her parents are very supportive and would constantly ask if they've got a partner yet. Their parents have a betting pool on whether she'll get with Kaminari or Momo. Their mom won.

Kaminari Denki (he/they): Bisexual and Non-Binary

It was a little bit of a shock (ha!) when Kaminari realized he wasn't attracted to women. He was attracted to the color purple. The Baku-squad is tired of Kaminari staring at Shinsou's abs.

One day, they realized, rather out of the blue, that they didn't feel exactly like a boy. I mean, he felt more boy than girl, but not boy enough. When they found the non-binary label, it just worked.

Iida Tenya (he/him): Bi-romantic Demisexual

Oh Iida, how I love you and all your eccentricities.

Tenya likes both men and women and while that's not something he's always known, it's something he easily took in stride. Tensei was surprised when Tenya first talked about his crush because Tensei didn't think his little brother would ever like anybody. Tenya just needs to have a friendship connection first before he realizes he likes someone.

Ururaka Ochako (she/her): Bisexual

Oh god, she's a bisexual disaster. I don't know who's worse, her, Deku, or Kaminari. They need to hold a contest.

She flusters so easily. The first time a girl held her hand, she was probably as red as a tomato and couldn't do anything to stop the blushing. She's a mess. Can relate.

Asui Tsuyu (she/her): Lesbian and Asexual

Girls.

She likes girls. Girls are very pretty and they have pretty hair and cute hands and lovely laughs and blinding smiles.

She just...

Girls.

But she's also kind of sex-repulsed. She'd be willing to do the thing if her partner wanted it, but only for special occasions. Not very frequently.

Ashido Mina (she/her): Pansexual

Move over, people! It's Alien Queen. She doesn't care about gender. She cares about if you can keep up with her in the game of life!

Life's too short to worry about gender!

Sero Hanta (he/him): Pansexual

Same idea, just toned down a little. It's not about the gender of the person, but the contents of their character. It helps if they're sexy tho, ngl.

Ojiro Mashirao (he/him): Bisexual

Maybe it's because I'm bi, but I think most character's base-line should be bi, hence why many of the characters on here are bi/pan. Same goes for Ojiro who has pretty good chemistry with both Kaminari and Hagakure. Also kinda got an enemies thing with Shinsou, but that's leaning a little into rare-pair territory.

Aoyama Yuuga (he/him): Straight

"But OP," you say, "He's clearly being queer-coded, have you looked at him??" Yes. And that's what makes it funny.

I think it would be funny for the obviously queer-coded person in the class to be the only actual Straight person in Class 1-A. Could you imagine??

"Is he, y'know?" *hand flap thing*

"What, Aoyama? No, no, he's straight. But everyone else here is gay though!"

Tokoyami Fumikage (he/him): Gay and Asexual

He likes guys. Not into sex. It's simple and not very complicated. He just needs a boyfriend to keep all his candles in place for when he does the summoning ritual-

Shouji Mezou (he/him): Gay and Asexual

Same deal. Not very complicated. He's willing to hold all the candles for his boyfriend as he does a summoning ritual-

Sato Rikido (he/him): Aromantic

Frienship is more important than a relationship. Probably has a few queer-platonic relationships.

Koda Koji (he/him): Aro/Ace

When he gets over his shyness, he loves his friends with his whole heart, but that's how it stays. Nothing more than friendships for him!

Hagakure Toru (she/her): Trans

I haven't forgot about youuuuu. Why is she trans? Why not? What are you gonna do about it? Honestly, all these characters could be trans and that would be fine too. Art is subjective. Trans rights! Fuck you!

Min*ta (h*/h*m): homophobic

Cannot stand him. We slander. (He arguably has a crush on Deku, but I'm! Not! Going! There!

Shinsou Hitoshi (he/him): Queer

Am I cheating?? No. I think he deserves to be in 1-A, so he's on the 1-A list.

It's just easier to tell people he's queer when they ask, and it's the best label that suits him. He's not entitled to give them anymore than that.

That's the end of the students from 1-A! This was pretty fun, actually! Hope you enjoyed, whoever's reading this!

Next time, I'm going to tackle Pro Heroes!!!! Because they, too, are gay.

Until Next Time!!!

#bnha #midoriya izuku #todoroki shouto #bakugo katuski #kirishima eijiro #yaoyorozu momo #class 1 a #shinsou hitoshi #lgbt pride #pride month #bisexual #gay #lesbian #pansexual #asexual #non binary #trans

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wearequeer-andwearehere · 2 years

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i’m a lesbian, but i keep questioning it and i think it’s mainly because my brain can’t come to terms with the fact that i don’t like men after all the years of thinking i did

do you have any tips to help with this?

(also i love you and your account so so much thank you so much for everything you do and i hope you are well and the universe treats you amazingly)

YO noice lesbians r dope!! shoutout to lesbians yall r cool as hell!!

Fr tho as a bi dude like, all of the lesbians Ive met have been The Awesomest people ever!!! You’re part of a community of very very kind and considerate people who are unashamedly themselves!!!

Ahhh yea good ol’ internalised homophobia!!!

First, as a dude who likes dudes lemme just say: it is Fine to not like men. it is, like, completely okay. putting on my misandrist hat for a moment here, 99.9% of my gender is SHIT so you kinda dodged a bullet there also lmao

But seriously. Society’s ingrained it into the minds of girls and those raised as such that like, you HAVE to like and be attracted to men.

and see, when you realise you’re queer, or like, don’t conform in some way to society’s expectations, you’re gonna start to learn, slowly and surely, that societal expectations are absolutely BULLSHIT

you do not have to like men. you do not have to be attracted to men, you do not have to date men, you do not have to sleep with men, you don’t have to marry a man.

i need you to like, fuckin drill this into your mind, or you’re gonna feel like shit. you are not bad or weird for not liking men. being a lesbian and not liking men is perfectly fine, and there’s gonna be a lot of people who are gonna be weird about it, and you can tell them to go fuck themselves!!

now i’m not a lesbian but i am also queer and like. lemme tell you, kid, i know what it feels like that moment you figure *it* out and it feels like the grounds crumbling beneath you, doesn’t it? because all these years, you had this idea of who you were and now here’s this big solid proof that you were wrong, saying here, look at me, you’re not who you thought you were and it makes you feel like fuck, who am i really?

listen. it may not feel like but this is an important and good time. cocoon breaking. silver threads of a chrysalis. this is who you are, and that’s beautiful, okay?

being a lesbian, is, fucking amazing, okay? you are part of *such* an amazing fucking community. filled with so many kind and proud and beautiful people, such brave and amazing and caring people. you have such a rich history of people like you existing and fighting back and being proud.

lesbianism is fucking amazing, loving women is a beautiful thing. and who *cares* if you don’t like men? who gives a shit?

like hey, my guy you didn’t ask to be gay you just got fuckin’ lucky!

also, like. cmon. girls are hot. can you imagine being straight and missing out on that??

honestly, i’d just say, get involved in the lgbt community. if it’s safe for you to do so irl, then go to lgbt meetings and pride parades and gsas and shit! if it’s not safe for you to be out irl, then get involved with the community online (so be careful about this though, don’t get involved with exclus, transphobes, shitty people)

talk to any lgbt friends you have, especially if you know any lesbians, ask them about their experiences with internalised shit

consume lgbt media, queer media with lesbian characters, let yourself get adjusted to it and let the idea of lesbianism slowly become normalised for you.

i know how much it hurts. i know how scary it is. it’ll get better, kid, alright? keep going, keep hanging in there, keep remember to be proud of yourself, keep remembering you are loved and there is a whole history of people like you.

you are loved.

#ask #anon #helping out a questioning person

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tuiyla · 2 years

Note

Your gifs sent me back! Faberry one of the biggest queerbaits ever only overthrown by supercorp. Seriously Rachel gave her a flower meaning secret love ffs. And mean l Quinn during early seasons drawing hearts and makes pics and doing year book just for Rachel. From what I’ve read and seen they had deleted scenes in promos that never aired which was to bait fans to watch and someone bought scripts and there was quite a few deleted scenes in them of them being very queer coded. No way it was by mistake because they did it again with Rachel and Santana and Rachel thirsting for Cassandra. Not to mention the Quinn Santana scene. People say Quinn is lesbian but I think bi who prefers girls because she really seemed to like Sam

Full disclaimer that I think queerbaiting has become one of those terms that's been thrown around so much that the meaning has been diluted. The topic of Faberry and queerbaiting is... complicated, and while I do fully believe things like deleted scenes in the promos that never made it into the full episodes count, I just wanted to note that imo queerbaiting gets thrown around too lightly these days. Same goes for queer-coded.

For example, I have my doubts that the Glee writers were anywhere near knowing the secret love meaning. I mean, if that was intended to be queerbaiting with that specific meaning, it's sort of too obscure to succeed, no? I think that was more like a crazy coincidence, an easter egg for Faberry if you will. I have no explanation for Quinn's drawings, pornographic and with hearts or otherwise. That was some weird ass behaviour from her lmao like I cannot wrap my head around the actual reasoning behind it. Quinn's gay was deffo showing there.

As for other instances of homoerotic tension between women, as hard as it is to imagine I don't think they meant anything by all the Cassandra things. And, as fucking unbelievable as it is for me, personally, as Pezberry trash, I don't think anything was intended with Santana. Obviously Quinntana is another matter but I'm fairly confident in saying the writers never intentionally queer-coded Rachel.

Now, all this is not me trying to defend the Glee writers, god no. I think they sucked, and there absolutely were instances of queerbaiting with Faberry, particularly in season 3. I'm just saying that it's a big topic and just because something is baiting, other aspects aren't necessarily. I'm just, very wary of throwing terms around that have specific meanings because fandoms can get carried away with interpretations that aren't actually part of the text and just sort of took a life of their own. Also, queer interpretations are still valid because we ultimately do whatever we want to with the text. Something can come off as very fruity to us without it being queer-coding, which is (usually) an intentional act where explicit queer themes cannot be portrayed.

Glee clearly could be gay but still had instances that have queer readings and were never followed up on. For example, Quinn is queer and I simply cannot be convinced otherwise. I've never fully settled between bi and lesbian, I don't think either strict definition fits her though I'd lean towards lesbian between those two.

#i don't wanna rain on others parades with asks like this i just need to use my degree sometimes #and part of that is my pet peeve of throwing these big words around #listen i just want nuance ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#faberry can be both largely unintentional queer subtext AND sometimes intentional queerbaiting #we can read rachel as queer but she was hardly written in a baity/coded way #i think these distinctions are important because this is why fans fight over readings cause they get so sucked in #with their own views that they stop considering what's actually canon and there #anyway thanks for coming to my boring disclaimer ted talk i'll stop with the 'well actually' academia shit #anon #glee asks #faberry asks #faberry #queerbaiting #i just want people to think about what the term actually means #wow i'm such a party pooper lol

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kakashihasibs · 1 year

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Out of curiosity, why do you feel like you’re aromantic? I only ask because I’ve been very seriously thinking that I’m aro, but I keep second guessing myself. I think it would help to hear why another person is aro, but I just don’t encounter a lot of people or bloggers who talk about it.

Feel free to ignore if you want, people irl and on this site are still really weird about aros, so I totally understand not wanting to get into it

Ooougha okay so i have thoughts™ and you are about to get them all good luck lol i get to how i feel in terms of being aro towards the end. I promise this is all building up to that even tho it'snot gonna seem like it at 1st x_x.

(tl;dr: it took me 5 years to feel like i loved my husband and I'm not even sure the love i feel is romantic or not bc it feels the same as how i feel for my friends but overall I'm not even sure what benefit there is for me, personally, to ID as aro bc what's even the purpose of labeling our sexualities, political or personal? (it's a mix of both)

There's, from what I've seen, really two purposes to labeling one's sexuality.

1) political coalition building. -> Hi i am a Gay man and you are a Lesbian we are not The Same but we have political interests that are The Same and we are more powerful and safer together let's have each other's backs. And when there's an issue that affects only you I'll still show up for you and when it's an issue that affects only me you'll still show up for me.

And

2) community and communication. -> hi i am a gay man and you are a man also interested in men (gay/bi) lets be in a community and/or relationship

(Please dont come at me these are both huge over simplifications! I'm build up my thought process to a more complex idea!)

Neither of these things are mutually exclusive, of course, and these are only sorta loose ideas I've seen some people express here and there.

I only note them bc people who focus on number 1, political coalition building, are more often (not always!) a little more down on "micro labels," whether they are exclusionist or not, bc it, they argue, in some way muddies the waters in terms of coalition building. If there's so many niche labels now and we're creating more and more niche labels then we're creating more and more divides and not focusing on keeping each other safe under the same umbrella.

I've also seen the argument that making more and more niche micro labels is related to individualism and commoditization under capitalism. Like "look you too can have ur own special flag and identity! Now buy all this merch to show it off! Give us money!!!"

Which, for both of these concerns, i am sympathetic to to an extent. (Except out right exclusionists, fuck them.)

People who focus more on number 2, community and communication, are generally, in my experience, much more in favor of micro labels. Say ur like me, I'm asexual but I'm also gay but maybe aromantic, but then where does the gay fit in? Oh geez idk. But wait! There's a sexuality that breaks being gay while also aroace down! I have a word(s) for myself! Which inarguably feels good. It makes me feel understood and normal. And now i can find other people who experience sexuality just like me. I can find a small community to feel at home in. Right?

---

i have laid out these two general ideas. The possible purposes i might have for naming/labeling/understand my sexuality.

I approach my sexuality from a political standpoint AND from a personal standpoint which I think most people do bc again they're are not mutually exclusive.

I am in some way not straight (and not cis but not talking about that right now). I have faced violence and discrimination for my sexuality. I want to name my sexuality in order to identify myself with a political movement. I name my sexuality so when I take political actions or make political demands, it is understood by others that i am doing so in solidarity with other people who have face similar oppression. I want to name my sexuality so i can better articulate the problems I face. So other can go to bat for me (and I will go to bat for them even if the issue isnt mine!)

For example, back in the day when ace ~discourse~ was much much worse, I was threatened with corrective rape (irl for the record) but instead of anyone standing in any sort of solidarity with me, i was told i was misappropriating corrective rape. (Which still just fucking blows my mind but besides the point.) This is why exclusionist can fuck off btw. Instead of anything productive they just were yaknow evil. Ugh anyway

I also faced discrimination at the doctors when asked my sexuality. I was honest and said asexual which lead down a whole rabbit hole of bullshit. The coalition building purpose would look like, "i have faced discrimination at the doctors for my sexuality and so have you so lets team up and support a bill that protects patient autonomy and rights"

And on the personal side i can talk to other asexuals who have faced the exact same problems i have. I can find empathy and understand in a way i might not from an allo cis gay guy (that's not dunking on any allo cis gay guy! For the record. We just have different experiences and very similar ones too!).

So you can see the benefit of either approach right? Maybe i just wanna call myself just queer or just gay or just ace and be done with. I have my coalition and maybe my community it still very broad but it is there.

Or maybe i wanna figure out why it took 5 years to feel like i loved my husband. Or why maybe my love for my husband doesn't really feel any different than my love for friends? Should the love i feel for my husband even BE different from the love i feel for my friends? Am i actually even feeling love? We've been together for 12 years what different does it make now anyway?

I feel like I'm probably aro but i also feel like I'm not and I'm "only" asexual.

Things that affect aros affect nearly all of us. We're all impacted by amatonormativity. We all struggle with getting next of kin rights with our chosen family, just to name a couple things. Discussing and supporting aromantism will benefit us all.

But what about discussing someone who is ace aro and gay? Maybe? Idk? Does being aroacegay bring anything new to the table? Or is it just another flag to profit off of for some fucking corporation? I dont know!

For me, is there even any separation between being ace and aro and gay or is it just the same part of me being looked at through too many lenses?

And all of this is what i think and feel when i think or feel like I'm aro x_x which is to say bud i have no fucking clue lol.

All i really know is i will fight for anyone under the queer/lgbtq+ umbrella regardless if it impacts me and i hope and pray that when people like me need the same kind of support everyone else will also fight for us too.

I think I'm done now. Sorry u got this whole ass mess lol. x_x if you have any questions comments or concerns you can DM or anon me any of them :3 I'll happily address them

#rape mention #ask #anon #ben replies #idk how else to tag this x_x

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unapologeticallytheworst · 2 months

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What's the difference between a bi lesbian someone who is bi or is a lesbian? Aren't they mutually exclusive terms? (Genuine ignorance but willing to learn.)

(Just in case my tone comes across badly, I am just happily sharing. If any good can come out of me being back on Tumblr it will be sharing my experiences of sex and gender so that maybe somebody understands themselves better.)

I want to start with the fact that I am not myself someone who uses the label. I usually identify as bi or pan. So I can explain coming from my perspective as someone who has talked to bi lesbians and even identified with their explanations, but I am not one. I love dudes too much.

Like any label it's super personal to the individual but from what I have heard over the years, some women use it because they functionally are a lesbian. Their relationship and presentation are such that society thinks of them that way. That may even be how they label themselves in less queer spaces. They face that discrimination and participate in those spaces.

For some others I've talked to, it's more about where they lie on the kinsey scale. Their relative attraction to women compared to men, making them feel the need for the distinction. Sometimes this is even more of a bisexual - homoromantic situation, where sex with dudes is fun but one loves women.

Since I believe this was in response to a support post, I just wanna say label policing is not good for anybody. This isn't aimed at you, nonie, just everyone, be kind and willing to listen. We're really not all that different and we're not free until we're all free.

(also vaguely related rant about being bisexual under the cut)

Being bi is really fucking weird. Nobody believes you no matter who you date. Unless you're poly and are dating multiple people of different genders at the same time, then you're just a slut. Like seriously I'm pretty sure the new Green Day song Bobby Sox exists solely to remind everyone they're bi as fuck. Because that happens when your romantic partner is the opposite gender. And then you feel like an asshole at pride because nobody is going to discriminate against you and your boyfriend in public. Everyone is going to treat you like you're straight and any gay stuff they remember was just “experimenting” or youth. But when dating the same gender there's a whole different set of problems. Society at large is now going to treat you as gay or lesbian and any attempts to say bi will be chalked up to internalized homophobia or an attempt to avoid backlash. And like you get that, because the hate you get calls you dykes or faggots, you don't get hate for you, because you don't even exist. This is to say nothing of the exclusionary pockets within your own community telling you you're confused. Or acting like you are icky and wrong and don't belong in queer spaces.

#Tho I will judge you if you aren't black and call yourself a stud #You would get why it was wrong #If it wasn't an underground culture

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aegolexic · 1 year

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The longer I think about (types of) people I am attracted to (not necessarily in praxis but definitely in theory - still figuring that aegosexual mess out), the more sapphic I feel.

And it's incredibly weird because for most of my life I just thought "yeah well, of course women/girls look good and are attractive, they are 'the beautiful/fair/whatever sex' after all", so I never seriously considered being lesbian or bi when I was younger. I just thought that this was what everyone thought and only really wondered about my very fickle attraction to men/boys.

But looking back it is so painfully obvious. And it puzzles me in a way because I had an openly lesbian classmate and always thought, that I didn't have a bias against same-sex attraction. Only that finding a woman hot, something that happened often, never occured to me to be possibly on the same level as finding a man hot, something that only rarely occurred.

And sure, above all I am still unsure of my gender and just where I am on the asexuality spectrum, but it is still such a surprising work in progress for me to come to terms with sapphic attraction.

#questioning #sapphic #heteronormativity

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seaottersandstrings · 1 year

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something lgbt just happened to me (extreme emotional pain edition)

(ignore me I just need an internet void to scream in where she wont see it or read if you’re nosy and willing to be nice about it)

(also if anyone has any advice for how to not be so fucked up about the girl who is kinda your ex but not really (in the “never actually dated but we both had feelings and acted like it a lot” way) officially dating a new person for the first time since she shattered your heart into a million tiny pieces please dm me said advice this is 100% serious)

like we have all the same friends and it’s been over half a year so I feel weird talking to irl people about it. even I am surprised at how intensely the emotions punched me in the lungs when she told us she has a bf now. like cmon brain I knew we weren’t over this but I thought we were at least getting better.

also there’s the added fun layer of “her own internalized biphobia and biphobic family members made it so our connection was always laced with shame and repression and suffering anyway.” and now she gets to celebrate this moment with friends and family and do boy talk with her mom and ask her parents for advice about this guy she’s known for a couple months and have an easy friends to lovers arc with him. while I was stuck listening to her family coo over how she should get back with her ex bf once he transferred to our college while she and I were literally sleeping in the same bed the night before. but bc I’m not a guy ofc nothing could possibly have been going on there.

like you’re telling me I was in a years-long, will-they-won’t-they sufferfest where I was embarrassingly emotionally devoted to this person only for npc #3 to crawl out of the woodwork and get the instant stamp of approval for wanting to get to know her better and giving it the old college try?

and to be clear I’m not blaming her she feels how she feels and obviously the bi/homophobia is a societal/community level issue. it just sucks so bad to fall so deeply in love with someone over such a long time and have those feelings be treated less seriously because of things we can’t control. like just on top of the regular heartbreak of it all. and believe me the regular heartbreak of it all is more than enough for my little eggshell heart to handle.

and on a regular heartbreak level it also sucks because she’s a good person that I genuinely care about on a non-romantic level and still think very highly of. like our relationship wasn’t and still isn’t perfect but she’s one of the best people in my life and an objectively decent human being. so it’s not like I can even rationalize to myself “well it was toxic” (actually maybe the dynamic was but like SHE wasn’t a toxic person y’know) or “she treated me badly” or “she sucks so I’m better off now anyway.” like no she’s wonderful and her new bf is very lucky life just sucks sometimes.

did I mention she and I are still best friends and even though we live in different cities now which helps I still have to pretend to be totally 100% excited about this for the sake of being a good bestie? like god I love being a lesbian if I had to do life all over again and got a choice I would choose to be queer every single goddamn time. but this is the most painful shit I’ve ever felt in my life and that’s a pretty high bar at this point. especially since this is technically not my first heartbreak but it’s my first one since realizing I’m a lesbian and not bi and started having a lot of The Piercing Loneliness of Breaking Every Societal Expectation feelings about it. like I think my brain was unintentionally pulling a “maybe I’ll turn out normal-passing” on itself (which is total bullshit) for a while there. and even though I know that was bullshit coming to terms with being a lesbian was so much harder for me than coming to terms with being queer at all and everything related to it has just felt so much more intense since.

and on some level I’m also jealous bc she got out and can have a relationship she can celebrate and talk about with her family without fear and I can never have that. like bi people obviously go through so much shit and have a hard time getting both straight and gay people to take them seriously and as someone who lived that (in the “other people treated me like I was bi bc we all thought I was” sense) and thought that was who I was for 7 years I would never want to diminish that but oh my god being on the other side now I can understand how easy it is to let yourself get bitter. And I never want to be that person but at the same time speaking purely of my own experience it didn’t take me so long (2+ years) to figure out I was a lesbian because I just didn’t know like at some point deep down I knew especially near the end of my questioning era but I kept asking myself “well are you SURE?” because didn’t want to face the loneliness of it. Of closing the door on the last possible chance I had for my family and I to bond over something in a normal way for once. And coming out again was incredibly freeing but I also had to be willing to break my own heart to do it and the compounding heartbreak is just so much.

anyway if anyone is reading this I love you and I hope you’re having a better day than me. happy new year.

#repost bc I initially said this in the tags and went to like double the tag limit #which apparently exists #anyway happy new year yall #hope youre all having a better day than me #manifesting something better for us all in the new year

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butchsophiewalten · 2 years

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i’m going to finally make a post about my Jenny headcanon ideas because no one else in the world understands the way that i see her and im so miserable about it. putting it under a cut because long.

I’ve talked before about how i like the idea that she’s like. reasonably involved with Brighton’s queer community and that she has a pretty nice, stable group of friends consisting mostly of other queer people, and a lot of my other ideas come as kind of an extension of that. I like it as an explanation for her self- confidence, it being something she developed from just having like a strong and reliable social network of people she could trust completely. And I like at as an extension of her narrative function as Sophie’s Rock. Because Sophie's only just navigating what queer identity actually means for her, but Jenny's spent a lot of her life thinking about and coming to terms with her own identity.

BUT ok. to put it very bluntly, i think Jenny has a really shitty relationship with her family. I think she was kicked out for being lesbian when she was 18 (so its in ‘74 lol). and she spent a short while couch surfing before she got scooped up by group of queer people, and she’s kind of just spent the rest of her life in that environment and community. I like that it allows both Jenny and Sophie to have weird family issues, and i think it serves to justify the fact that Sophie had never talked with Jenny about her family stuff pre-BunnyFarm. Both of them hate talking about family shit, so it never came up. I also REALLY like the idea of Sophie like. getting super in her own head feeling like she’s the Only Person In The World who is Fucked Up and Traumatized as a result of like. the complete lack of understanding she got from the adults around her in the aftermath of her family’s disappearances. So as an adult now she’s super convinced that she's the only person who will ever understand what its like to be suffering this kind of profound hurt. and she's convinced herself that she cant ever let anybody know how fucked up she is and she has to always pretend to be the best possible version of herself.

And she’s especially fixated on this idea she has that Jenny specifically is Normal. that Jenny is an example of a Normal Person with Nothing Wrong With Them, because she can’t imagine the idea of someone who’s gone through something horrible and come out on the other side of it seeming just fine. So she doubles down on this idea that she has to maintain whatever perception Jenny has of her or else Jenny will realize she’s Weird and Traumatized and not worth the trouble. Because that sets up the opportunity for Sophie to find out that, no, Jenny's experienced some pretty serious hardship, too. And the only reason she came out okay was because she let herself rely on other people when she was her most vulnerable. And that’s the first time Sophie really seriously considers the idea of letting someone in to help her through her problems. Even if she isn’t completely ready to do that yet.

And like! I’m trying really hard to make it clear that this isn’t just some lame angsty headcannon where i give Jenny kinda a shitty childhood for no good reason. I think this idea is genuinely narratively and thematically compelling and I think it conceptually strengthens the relationships these characters have with each other. And I do think it’s at least partially justified by Jenny’s actions? Thinking specifically about the old /sophiewalten page where Sophie brings up her dad having anger issues and the first thing Jenny thinks to ask was if that meant he was abusive. or like the old /jennyletterson page where Jenny’s first response to Sophie saying she hasn’t seen her family in years is just “oh damn” which is a hilariously lame and terrible response, and I like to joke that she said that because she assumed it was because Sophie is gay lol.

But just.aaugh i like this idea. i like it so much more than the idea that Jenny really IS just a Completely Normal Person who’s helping her Fucked Up and Traumatized girlfriend through her problems. Like that feels so strange and voyeuristic to me. I especially like the idea of Sophie being someone who was completely denied the opportunity to properly process her own trauma, while Jenny is someone who was able to kinda overcome and come to terms with her trauma with a lot of help and hard work. And Sophie is able to feel Humanized and Understood in seeing another person (a person she cares very deeply about) also struggle with familial trauma, and she suddenly feels hopeful for a future version of herself that never existed in her mind before who’s been able to meaningfully heal and continue with life and learn to start enjoying it. it is just a compelling idea to me!! I like to give jenny problems

#chirps #this is something ive been mulling over in my mind. for like nearly a year..#this is why i like jenny so much. in my mind he is this guy^#my w/alten files oc j/enny letterson.

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