#never drawn beau before hope I did ok
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"So. Who are you and what's going on, before I break your pretty little neck?"
#critical role spoilers#critical role#imogen temult#beauregard lionett#cr3#cr art#yeah I had to scribble this out before I went back to what I am Supposed To Be Doing#because it was hawt#gays stay winning#never drawn beau before hope I did ok#my art
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#29 for beauyasha or any ship with molly you like
29. Staring at each other’s lips for a moment before moving closer, as if drawn together by some unseen force.
Essek has never kissed anyone.
The problem with being a prodigy is that you develop certain expectations of yourself and it becomes near impossible to try something new in front of another person that you might not immediately excel at.
That is the inherent flaw with kissing.
Another person is, by kissing’s nature, very present. Not only present, but involved. Kissing someone without knowing if you’re going to be good at it sounds like a terrible ordeal.
There is no way he can try kissing by himself. Not that he’s particular interested in kissing just for the kisses’ sake. But there might be a particular person who makes Essek’s potential disastrous kissing skills a nuisance.
When Mollymauk Tealeaf waltzed into his life with the rest of the Mighty Nein Essek was straight up offended by him. But as it turned out, there are many fascinating qualities about Mollymauk that Essek finds endlessly captivating and even impressive.
While he carefully builds his image and upholds his reputation where ever he goes, Mollymauk simply doesn’t care what people think of him. He is just himself, unapologetically and oftentimes obnoxiously so. Essek isn’t even sure who he really is under all the pretense and the lies.
Mollymauk also doesn’t care for the future in any capacity. While Essek despises his culture’s obsession with being reborn, Mollymauk lives every day as if it might be his last. No regrets. No holding out for a future that might never come. Essek wishes he could live like this.
He watched Mollymauk for too long. Now he cannot look anywhere else.
Sometimes Essek wonders if Mollymauk finds him endlessly dull. But then Mollymauk sits down next to him, calls him “mage boy”, bumps Essek’s shoulder with his, winks at him, lays out tarot cards for him and calls him “too pretty and smart for his own good”.
Essek files it all away and by now it has surmounted to an incredibly big part of his brain that is only occupied with Mollymauk Tealeaf. And kissing Mollymauk Tealeaf.
Maybe that is due to the fact that Mollymauk talks about things like kissing and sex a lot without considering that not everyone around him is so open about things like this.
Mollymauk has kissed so many people. He’s probably very good at it--a fact that Essek also files away and that makes his cheeks darken and his pulse speed up when he thinks about it for too long.
At some point, when he arrives at the “Xhorhouse”, as it has been called, Jester shouts up the stairs: “Molly, your boyfriend is here!”
Essek is very tempted to teleport away right there and then. But he keeps his face neutral, ignores his hammering heart and leaves his floating spell at the door as he steps into the house that is, by now, so familiar to him.
“Hey Essek, how are you doing?”, Jester asks with a friendly smile as if she didn’t just grab Essek’s insides and twisted them into an anxious knot.
“I am doing alright, thank you. I hope everything is going well?”
“Sure! We’re off to do some super secret crazy shit and Molly has to stay home because he might be in danger if he comes or something, Beau explained it all but I didn’t listen all the way to the end. Anyway, there are cupcakes in the kitchen and there’s water in the hot tub if you want to take a bath or. You know.”
Jester grins at Essek and winks multiple times in a row. Essek clears his throat.
“So, should I stay here in case Mollymauk gets into trouble?”, he asks and regrets it immediately because Jester’s face lights up with a mischievous energy he’s come to know in these past few months.
“Yes, please keep Molly safe for us, Essek. Be his bodyguard. Don’t let him out of your sight!”
“Not like he ever does”, a blunt voice comes from their left and Beau stands there with her arms crossed and a smirk on her face.
“I am certain I don’t know what you’re implying”, he says stiffly. Beau snorts.
“Sure you don’t. Ok, Jes, you ready to go or what?”
Essek watches them go and takes a deep breath as the door closes behind them. He’s unsure what to do. Maybe he should just go again. But Jester said Mollymauk might be in danger.
He can only assume that it has something to do with the group looking into this moving city in the astral plane and Lady Vess Derogna.
“Do you want cupcakes? Jester left about twenty in the kitchen.”
Mollymauk’s voice rips Essek out of his thoughts and for a second he forgets that he already discarded his floating spell so he does a very awkward little sidestep and a hand gesture that amounts to nothing.
Truly, he is a prodigy at interacting with others, there is no doubt about it.
“I don’t think I ever had a cupcake. Is it a cake in a cup?”
Mollymauk looks delighted and Essek’s stomach does some very impressive gymnastic figures he didn’t know were possible.
“You are delightful in your ignorance. Come on, let’s get some cupcakes into that pretty mouth.”
Pretty mouth.
Essek stands in the hallway for a good fifteen seconds before his brain has rebooted itself and he is able to follow Mollymauk into the kitchen. It turns out that cupcakes are not cakes in cups, although Essek isn’t sure why they are called like that.
Mollymauk says it’s because they’re small. Essek says that there are big cups. Mollymauk laughs at him for a good minute before holding out a cupcake with pink frosting and colorful sprinkles on top for Essek to bite into.
Essek stares at it, then at Mollymauk’s hand, then at Mollymauk’s face.
“Try it”, Mollymauk urges.
“Can I... hold it myself while I try it?”, he asks and hopes that his cheeks haven’t turned a darker shade of purple. Mollymauk grins and shows off his fangs and Essek swallows.
“No. I can’t trust you to hold this cupcake. Take a bite, don’t be a spoilsport.”
Essek takes a bite and it’s ridiculously sweet. It tastes similar to what Jester’s voice sounds like when she messages him in the middle of the night asking if he’s read any good “smutty books” lately that he can recommend to her.
Mollymauk puts the cupcake down on the table and before Essek can react there is a finger right in his face and Mollymauk’s thumb brushes away some pink frosting from his upper lip. Essek doesn’t know what to do as he watches Mollymauk licking his thumb without breaking eye contact.
He’s not prone to swearing but right now he feels like, for the first time, he really understands Beauregards need to say “Fuck” very loudly. Mollymauk’s eyes drop down to look at Essek’s lips and he wonders if he still has some frosting somewhere in the corner of his mouth.
Shadowhand of the Bright Queen, spy, double agent, magical prodigy, genius, traitor, war criminal, all this means nothing right now, in this untidy kitchen with a half-eaten, pink cupcake on the table and Mollymauk staring at Essek’s lips like it’s the most interesting thing he’s ever seen.
Essek can’t help but look at Mollymauk’s lips, too.
He never wanted to kiss anyone before, but he desperately wants to kiss Mollymauk Tealeaf.
For a second Essek wonders if there’s magic involved as his body moves forward as if it is pulled by invisible strings. Mollymauk, like a magnet, reacts just in kind and Essek has barely any brain capacity left to be concerned about his lack of kissing practice when a pair of slightly chapped, warm lips brush against his.
He probably tastes like pink frosting.
Mollymauk’s hand sneaks to the back of his neck and Essek can’t do much aside from following Mollymauk’s lead. It’s probably clumsy and not at all skillful but Mollymauk makes a contented sound and sighs against Essek’s lips and all he wants is to be closer and have more of that.
He doesn’t know for how long they kiss but when they pull away Mollymauk licks his lips and his cheeks are a way darker purple than the rest of his face.
“Been waiting to do that for ages”, he rasps and Essek’s heart does big leap against his ribcage.
“I never did this before”, he admits and feels very exposed for saying it.
“Do you want to do it again?”, Mollymauk asks.
Essek finds himself nodding.
“Although it is very... disconcerting to do something I am not yet very good at.”
Molly grins and there’s something reckless about it.
“Oh, you know what they say. Practice makes perfect.”
#shadowmauk#critical role#critfic#essek thelyss#mollymauk tealeaf#essik#mollymauk#fanfiction#text#screeching into the void#cr spoilers#slowly going backwards through some prompts every time i feel a sliver of creative energy
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Choices Sam Ending - 5
New to Choices? Start Here
Pairing: Sam x Reader
Summary: Choices is an interactive Supernatural choose your own adventure story where your choices determine the outcome and whether it’s a Dean x Reader or Sam x Reader. Go to the intro to start your story now!
Triggers: Dark, curses, heartbreak, loss, violence, angst but happy ending, fear of abandonment, loneliness, non-explicit torture (the witch), show level violence.
Choice: [You chose to run to Sam’s side]
Y/N = Your Name | Y/H/C = Your Hair Colour
---
Sam was in pain. She hurt him.
It might just be two thoughts in quick succession. But to you they were alarm bells, sirens echoing in your skull. Like a damned airstrike carpet bombing your mind and heart with searing shots of agony. You wanted to hurt her. You wanted to make that damned witch pay. Yet you needed to help him. To be by his side. To ease his pain.
Uncontrollable anger meeting heartrending love; tearing your mind in two with the contrasting actions of pain versus comfort. You were frozen in place as your eyes went from the witch to Sam and back again.
Gritting your teeth, you fought the need to end her right then and there. Sam was hurting. He needed you by his side, even if he couldn’t see you, or hear you. And you had to think. That witch held the secret of getting Sam back to you, which meant killing her couldn’t be your first priority. Sam had to be.
Stepping forward, you allowed yourself a vicious sneer of your very own as the blue-eyed witch flinched back. Her trembling lips were falling over stuttered, soundless words as you moved towards her. But you weren’t letting her out of your sight that easily, nor would you let her finish whatever spell she’d been trying to send your way.
In front of you, the witch stumbled. One of her dangerously high stiletto heels catching in the deep, thick carpet. Before she could find her footing fully you closed the distance between the two of you and, with all your anguish and rage powering the punch, drove your fist into her jaw. The hard fist enough to send her sliding and crumbling into a pile as you sneered down at her. Weak.
It wasn’t much, but it had to do.
You’d earned yourself a few precious seconds to reach Sam’s side. To try and get through to him. Turning from the temporarily knocked out witch with the glass jaw, you focused fully on Sam. Your arms stretching out to him before he was even within reach, desperate to feel his warmth under your fingers. To convince yourself he was still there. Still alive.
“Sam!”
Placing a gentle palm against his cheek, you tried to force his anguished eyes to look at you. But even with his head stilled, the hunter couldn’t see you. The sunlight in those eyes you loved oh so much, dulled and hazy as he kept searching for you. Your name now just a whisper of pain delivered through ragged breaths.
“(Y/N), please don’t leave…”
Damn it. He couldn’t even feel the warmth of your palm on his cheek. Bitter tears burned in your own eyes as you wiped at the ones already soaking into his skin with shaky fingers. Trying to capture every heart-breaking drop before it could add to his fears and the darkness he was caught in. Sam was scared and alone, and there was nothing you could do to help him. Nothing. Even after you’d promised yourself you’d make a home for the Winchesters. Even after you’d promised him you’d never leave him.
“I’m here Sam… I’m here. And I’ll get you back here too, ok?” Ignoring the knocked-out witch on the floor, you let your head fall against Sam’s chest. His breath was ragged and pained, his panicked heartbeats pushing against his ribs only helped solidify your need to save him.
Oh, the bitch deserved to suffer. But you wouldn’t send her to hell to reunite with her wicked lover. Not until she fixed this. Not until she brought Sam back to you from wherever he was lost in his own mind. Even then you’d make sure it was long, drawn out, and fucking agonizing.
“I’m here Sam,” You echoed as another whispered shout of your name left the man you loved more than life itself. He sounded so tired. How long had he been lost in his own head? Did time flow differently behind those dull eyes?
No, you couldn’t let yourself think too deeply about that. Not when the damned witch was clearly awake behind you. Her victorious cackle of a laugh easily dying in her throat as soon as you turned around and aimed the gun right between those big blues.
“Witch killing bullets, bitch. Move and you’re swiss cheese,” You gritted through your teeth as you forced yourself to take a step towards her and away from Sam’s side. Even though it left you feeling frozen and numb all at once. Though you wanted nothing more than to wrap the big guy up in your arms and play act as the fortress that was currently failing him. His own formerly secure walls turning inward and becoming an isolated prison cell instead.
“We’re gonna have a little chat and if you don’t answer…” You kept your eyes on the blue-eyed woman in front of you as her eyes followed your finger, moving slowly off the trigger guard to the trigger itself. The silent warning enough to send an involuntary shiver through the woman who was still trying to act tough and failing miserably.
“Kill me and he’ll be stuck like that… Forever,” The witch was clinging to her only trump card, and by the way her voice shook, she knew it. As far as trump cards went; it wasn’t a get out of hell free card. If anything, it was just another reason to make sure she suffered.
Taking a step forward you gave the woman in front of you a cold smile as she flinched at the anger radiating off of you. By the way her lower lip trembled, the foolish monster finally seemed to grasp the fact that she would die. Whether or not she told you what you wanted to know. Though, it was up to her to decide if she wanted the easy way out or the much, much more enjoyable way of long drawn out agony. Enjoyable for you, that was.
Unfortunately for you however, she wasn’t smart enough to make the clearly easy choice in front of her. Choosing instead to start mumbling a spell of some kind under her breath. But oh no… You weren’t letting her slip from your fingers. Not until Sam was back and she was roasting in hell next to her former beau.
“What did you do to him? You fix this right now or I swear…” Raising your voice and stepping forward, you got ready to jump on her if the chanting continued. But the stupid witch was clearly too far gone to even realise you were trying to break her concentration, choosing to stop the chants to answer you instead.
Rookie move. How these witches had survived this long was beyond you.
“Or what? You’ll kill me?” You could hear faint desperation and even an inkling of vain hope in her words. Though she tried to deliver them with a shaking laugh that came off as anything but threatening. Her own frazzled mind too caught up in the fact that there was a gun pointed her way to immediately realise her mistake. Blue eyes widening as soon as her mind caught up to her fear and she started trying to chant again. The words louder now in a desperate attempt to try and escape, or possibly to hurt you…
Hell, you didn’t know. And you really didn’t care. Especially not when your eyes easily caught the hard glint of anger in emerald eyes as Dean slipped into the room behind her. Unseen and unheard by little Ms. Frightened in front of you.
“No…” You didn’t bother hiding the little smirk on your lips as your eyes stayed focused on Dean who was quickly moving up behind her. Brandishing a pair of shiny new metal bangles that really didn’t go with the whole Audrey Hepburn look she had going.
“… But he’ll torture the fucking hell out of you,” You growled over her increasingly frantic chanting. Nodding your head in Dean’s direction just as he placed a large hand on the witch’s shoulder and wrenched her arms behind her back. Putting a quick end to whatever spell she’d been trying to cast as the witch cried out in pain.
“What did she do to Sammy?” Dean growled the words towards the witch, ignoring the pained whimpers leaving her, though the question was aimed at you. His eyes only softened once he looked away from the monster on the floor as pain radiated through him once he found his broken brother in the middle of the room. His voice growing deeper and rougher by the second as furious eyes found the witch again.
“Oh… You’re gonna hurt,”
---
She was ready to speak after five minutes.
Dean, however, didn’t let her speak until 15 had passed.
You had to hold the protective big brother back from killing her a few times as Sam’s broken voice echoed out an exhausted new attempt to find Dean or you. It wasn’t until she was screaming for mercy that the hunter finally let up and moved aside to let you deal with her. Not trusting his voice to get the witch’s full confession out of her past what he’d already done with his fists.
“Are you ready to speak now? Or do we have to keep showing you that we have other more creative ways of making you remove the spell than simply killing you?” You cooed the words sarcastically at the witch tied to the chair in front of you. Catching Dean’s hurried steps towards his brother out of the corner of your eye just as you leaned in over her and let your hand grab the back of the chair in a painfully hard grip. Keeping yourself from following him to Sam’s side.
No. You couldn’t look at them. You couldn’t walk over there. They needed you to be strong. The heart-breaking expression in both brothers’ eyes was just too much to take if you wanted to end this. If you let yourself linger, for even a second, on either brothers’ pain, you’d most likely end up killing her instead of getting her to fix whatever she’d done.
“I’ll speak! Please… I’ll tell you whatever…”
“I don’t need your pleading. I need you to tell me exactly what you did to him, and I need you to remove it. Save the grovelling for someone who actually gives a fuck,” You spat back keeping yourself back from hitting her in pure impatience and pain as Sam whimpered, tired and defeated from the middle of the room. Your knuckles whitening around the wood behind her head in the herculean effort of that action alone.
“I hid him in his head… He’ll see the house, the world, just not… People. He’ll feel like he’s been left alone in the world. Walking around for years… I…”
You barely even noticed your grip on the chair loosening. Nor the fist flying and connecting with flesh as the witch spoke. Only recognising what you’d done when the dull ache radiated through your knuckles and into your hand.
Years. From Sam’s perspective he’s been stuck inside his own mind for fucking years. Raising your shaking arm again you were ready to hit her and keep hitting her. But Dean’s hand caught your fist before it could connect with the sobbing mess below you.
“(Y/N)! You’ll kill her,” Dean’s voice sounded far away as your shaking hand tried to wrestle itself loose from his strong grip around your wrist. But the shock of her words was quickly sapping the strength from you. Oh God...
“She said Sam’s been in his own head for years Dean. Years,” You couldn’t stop the sob that exploded from your body as you let your best friend move your hand down to your side again. His arms wrapping around you and turning you away from the witch to fold you into a hug as you fought the anguished tears burning in your eyes.
Sam was lost in his mind. Wandering alone and abandoned. And though it had only been half an hour at most, to him it felt like years had passed. What was he thinking as he quietly whispered your name? Did he think you’d forgotten him? Did he think you’d died? That Dean and you had just… Left him? That the whole damned world had left him?
“And she’ll get him out. Won’t you? Like right the fuck now,” The growl you could hear through Dean’s chest grounded you again. You could deal with the scars later. Right now, you had to get Sam back. Every minute you spent breaking down could feel like months or years to him. You needed to act fast.
Taking a deep breath, you tried to turn to face the witch again. But Dean wouldn’t let you. The hunter instead nudging you towards Sam as green eyes met with yours. The normally evergreen colour dark with worry and pain for both is brother and you as he silently begged you to watch out for Sam. To keep an eye on his little brother as he did what Winchesters did best; saved the day.
“Well? What the fuck are you waiting for? A formal invitation?” Dean growled behind you as you took a shaky step towards Sam. His full attention back on the witch now that he knew you were looking after his little brother.
“I… I can’t. Not with these,” You could feel the hairs in your neck bristle as the witch’s weak and broken voice came from behind you, followed by the jangle of chains that were binding her powers. But instead of turning around and hurting her, you walked to Sam.
Reaching out to him to stop yourself from turning and lashing out at the monster that hurt him. Letting your fingers find his warm, shaking hand you held on. Staying with him and wiping at the endless tears. Even though he didn’t know you were there, you’d never leave him. Ever.
“I’ll cut off any spell you start that doesn’t seem like it’s helping Sammy. And for every spell I have to cut off, I’ll be cutting off a part of you too. Understood?”
You blocked out the sound of Dean’s voice as you leaned your forehead against Sam’s chest, closing your eyes to feel the beat of his broken heart with every nerve of your body. He was warm, he was breathing, and his heart was beating. Sure, his body was shivering, his breathing ragged and his heart shattered into a million pieces. But he was there with you.
Sam Winchester was still alive. And you’d get him back.
---
“Why isn’t he opening his eyes?”
You could hear the panic in your own voice as you whipped your head around to find the witch that had just finished her spell. Sam’s breathing had evened out, and his heartbeat didn’t sound as achingly frantic anymore. But it’d been several minutes since the room went quiet and he still hadn’t opened his eyes.
“He was lost in his own mind. It can take some time. I’m sorry! I promise I…” The witch’s voice was tinged with the same panic as yours. But where yours was filled with love, hers was just a selfish dirty imitation. Spoken in hopes of saving her own skin, it made you sick to your stomach.
“Shut up or I swear I’ll... (Y/N), I’m bringing her out of here and tying her up downstairs. Call it our backup plan in case the spell didn’t work. Bring Sam down if he… When he wakes up. Ok?” Dean cut her words off before you could turn around and use your gun to shut her up.
You knew it hurt Dean to leave Sam like that, but it hurt the hunter just as much to stand around and wait. To feel helpless. Though you wanted him to stay, to be by his brother’s side like his big heart was screaming at him to do, you knew he needed to feel useful. To do something. And so, you just nodded as you clung to Sam’s limp body.
“I want to be the one who kills her,” You laced your shaky words with as much anger and hatred as you possibly could. Ignoring the whimpers of the witch as you kept your eyes soft and warm where they watched over Sam, not wanting to turn around to see his tormentor get dragged out of the room.
“Don’t worry sweetheart, I’ll keep her alive for you,” You barely managed a smile into Sam’s soft brown hair at Dean’s words as he dragged the witch out of the room. Happy to just listen to the struggling witch as your eyes stayed locked on the man you loved in your arms.
Sam had collapsed against you the moment the witch finished her spell. His body going limp and dragging you both to the floor. Barely giving you time to cradle him against you to stop him from slamming into the wooden floorboards and hurting himself.
You’d been afraid to move him or jostle him awake. To break his heart all over again, in case he’d flinch away from your touch after the many imagined years of isolation in his head. But as the silence stretched on, you had reached out and softly moved his hair out of his eyes, turning his face up towards you with a gentle palm. Only to be met with lidded eyes, hiding his light from you as you waited for him to find his way back to you.
It was taking too long. Why was it taking so long?
“Hey… Sam… You have to wake up now,” Your words were barely a whisper as you bit the inside of your cheek to keep your tears at bay. You couldn’t cry. You had to smile when he came back. If you cried it would just hurt him more. Squeezing his still body closer you looked up towards the ceiling, willing your traitorous tears back with a shaky breath.
“Come on sleepy head, we have to get home,” Your weak attempt at keeping your words bright and happy sounded flat and fake as it echoed in your own ears. Don’t cry.
“Sam I need…” You didn’t know what you were about to say. That you needed him to wake up? Needed him to open his eyes? Or maybe that you just needed him? Needed your Sam Winchester, with every aching beat of your heart. Yet, you’d never know, as Sam’s panicked gasp of air cut off your words and drowned the end of your pleading sentence in a strangled relieved imitation of a laugh.
Sam was back.
“(Y/N)!” Sam’s voice was painfully loud as he struggled in your arms. His voice and heart breaking around your name as he struggled to move, to look around the room for you. To keep searching, like he’d been doing this whole time inside the shadows in his own mind. Brown hair stuck to his damp forehead as his arm reached out and met with your wrist where you’d lifted your hand to push the strands out of his eyes. He was panicked and disoriented, waking up from a nightmare that had lasted half an hour in the real world, but an eternity in his head.
“(Y/N)... Is it…” Sam’s hold on your wrist seemed to ground him again, bring him back into the real world, back to you, as his beautiful hazel eyes finally found you. Wide and hesitant, as if he was afraid you’d shake your head and disappear back into the dark recesses of his mind.
Wrapping your arms around him, your heart and body betrayed your weak attempt at being strong as your eyes overflowed to follow the broken sob that left you. Squeezing your eyes shut to hold the tears back you buried your face in his soft, brown hair.
“I’m here Sam. I’m here,” You whispered the soothing words directly into his hair as you held on tight. Just as afraid that he’d disappear back into his haunting shadows as he was to see you slip out of his view again.
“Thank God… (Y/N),” Sam’s voice was trembling and rough with untold amounts of pain as he gently pulled out of your arms. Unwilling to go without seeing you, actually seeing you, now that he’d found you again.
The way he said your name, whispered with an awed reverence, spoke of endless years spent searching. His fingertips painted a painfully soft story of agonizing heartbreak as his shaky hands cupped your face between big palms. Hazel eyes soft and free of their earlier dull panic as he finally saw you again.
“I thought I lost you (Y/N),” The man you loved, the strongest, kindest man you knew, sounded like a scared little boy. His voice stained with tears as he carefully wiped yours from your eyes. Barely willing to blink as he watched you, as if you’d disappear the moment he did.
“I never thought I’d see you again. I…” Sam visibly flinched at his own words. Stopping himself from remembering the shadows with a shaky breath and his fingers on your skin.
Gently, and oh so heartrendingly slowly, he brushed the hair out of your eyes before tracing your features from your temple to your chin. Etching the sight of you into trembling calloused fingers. Replacing his fingerprints with fragile strokes that painted a picture of everything he’d thought he’d lost.
“I’m here,” Your own voice was no louder than his. Barely even a sighed, contented breath as you leaned into his palm, placing your hand over his with a sad, careful smile. Sam was back, but he was still hurting. And from the way the light broke in his tormented eyes you knew he would be hurting for a very long time. That he’d be tormented over and over again in nightmares of thirty minutes turned into a lifetime in his own personal hell.
“I looked everywhere. The whole farmhouse, the bunker, your old place before... You weren’t anywhere. I…” Your hunter locked his jaw around the words, the agony of them translating into heavy trembles as he fought to keep his body still. Fought to keep from continuing an unending search that had been so ingrained in him that his body didn’t seem to realise that he was finally home. That he could stop searching.
“I thought you left me…” Your heart broke along with his voice as you reached out to wipe away his tears again.
“Shh, Sam. It’s alright. I’m here,” You knew you were just repeating yourself. Just an endless loop of soothing whispers. But you couldn’t do anything else. You were helpless against the torment he was going through behind those watery eyes. All you had were your words and the touch of warm fingers against skin. The only thing you could offer him was shelter in the heart that had been his for a very, very long time already.
“No, you don’t understand. I spent years looking for you. Even when I gave up on everything else, I never gave up on you. I can’t do this without you,” Somewhere, between one heartbeat and the next, Sam had found his voice again. The volume rose as he pushed the words out. Lacing each and every syllable in desperation and agonising fear.
“You don’t have to Sam I…”
Before you could continue to echo the same words over and over again, Sam cut you off. His big arms pulling you tight against him as he shut you up with his lips on yours. Drawing you into a hard, desperate kiss as one hand slid up your spine, shaping you to his body. To feel as much of you as physically possible against him. Arms locked tight around you, as if he was afraid you’d slip away again if his hold on you wasn’t secure enough.
You didn’t react at first. Your shell-shocked mind lost in the sensation of his lips, hard and frantic against yours, but Sam was too far gone to even notice. One big shaking hand curled into your (Y/H/C) hair and held you against him. As if he needed you to even fucking breathe.
Just as you leaned into him, your mind catching up to the taste of Sam Winchester on your lips, he pulled away. Breaking the hard, one-sided kiss with a shaky gasp before he looked down at you in the steel cage that was his protective arms. Desperation making a supernova out of the sunshine in his eyes.
“I need you (Y/N). I want you to be more, to be mine. I kept telling myself that it was fine to just be your friend... To play it safe so you’d stick around, but then…” Ending his half-finished words in a growl, Sam’s mouth was on yours again. Drowning the broken memories of a loss that never happened against your lips.
Only, this time your body responded. Your kiss was careful and pliable where his was all desperate gasps and teeth. For a second the two opposites contrasted against each other as you let him drown in you. Yet, once he realised you were kissing him back, his lips softened. Former desperate pain was replaced with fragile gentleness as salty tears blended with the sweet kiss. Breaking your heart with the bittersweet honesty in the soft touch of his lips against yours.
“I love… Just don’t leave me, please,” Sam’s broken voice cut off his own confession. Still afraid that his feelings would make you run for the hills, even as he was breathing the words against your slightly open mouth, before leaning in to taste his pleading words off of your lips again.
“Please…” As Sam groaned the prayer turned plea against your mouth, you let your body speak for you. Parting your lips to deepen this kiss as trembling fingers dug into his hair. Clinging to him while he clung to you. A wordless promise of a forever the tired hunter had stopped dreaming about a long, long time ago, yet so painfully recently, while stuck in his own mind.
Once his tense shoulders relaxed and Sam was left gasping for air against your lips, you disentangled your fingers from his hair. Choosing instead to wrap your tired hunter’s head in your arms and hide his red rimmed eyes against your chest. Hugging him close to you, to let him feel the truth reverberate through every damned nerve in your body as you spoke.
“I love you Sam. I’ve always loved you, and I’m not going anywhere,”
His breath was just a shaky gasp in your arms, but it was no longer the same broken sound of earlier. No, this time it sounded like relief and the cautious first rays of broken hope as his arms held on to your waist, clinging to the sound of your heartbeat and the truth he found there.
His mumbled reply to your confession was muffled where he kept his head buried against your chest. Trembling, tired lips whispering words of love directly into your heart. Unwilling to let you go now that he finally found you again.
Now that he was finally home again.
---
You reached the end - You got Ending 5: Sam: His Saviour - Happy Ending
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I already have some ideas for some other ones; an undercover office based one that’s fluff vs. smut… Plus another hunt based one with TFW. But I won’t start them if it doesn’t seem like there’s any demand for them.
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Misery Loves the Company of these Blue Hands
AO3
Please reblog and comment if you like!
Jester felt sweat bead under her dress. The hag towered over her as she accepted the cupcake from her hand. Isharnai slowly, carefully ate the cupcake half that had been offered.
A silent prayer, breathed to the Traveler and Jester cast her spell. Modify Memory. To trick the hag into believing she had such a great time that she wanted to free Nott of her curse. She felt the magic leave her body and watched the hag’s eyebrows quirk in confusion for a moment. She held her breath desperately hoping the magic took hold. Then Isharnai’s face split with a cruel smile.
“You will have to be more clever than that to pull a trick on me!” She laughed and began reaching forward with her strange double elbowed arms towards Jester. “Now little cleric, I think I will take what you owe me!”
Jester tried to press herself as far away from the hag as she could, but she was looming over her and drawing closer. Jester’s breath came short as terror overrode her mind.
* * *
The Nein all waited together outside Isarnai’s hut. Beau tried to stop the flow of tears from her eyes. Nott and Yasha sat on the ground looking miserable. Fjord paced back and forth his hand flexing every few paces. Caleb merely stared at the door to the hut, he rubbed his arms up and down, occasionally pausing to scratch at one of his scars. Caduceus stood leaning on his staff watching the others and keeping a quiet eye on their surroundings.
Jester had been in there too long. They couldn’t hear anything from inside and not knowing what their little blue friend could be doing made the anxiety sit even heavier on their hearts. Beau stood up, dashing the remaining tears from her eyes.
“It’s been too long, I’m going to go in and get her.” She said.
The others hesitated for only a moment before they rose to their feet to back Beau up in protecting Jester. However before they could take more than a step the door to the hut slammed open. Jester stumbled out, tears on her face and terror in her eyes. She kept her arms tightly held across her torso as she bumped into the doorway and ran towards them.
“Jester!” Beau shouted, jumping to her side. “What happened?”
Jester looked at her for a moment, then pushed past her to Nott.
“You’re good to go. Your curse is broken!” She tried to put her usual joy and exuberance into her voice, but they could all hear her straining to put on a bright face. “Let’s go. Let’s go. Nott you’re good, let’s go.”
She immediately began marching away from the hut, forcing the others to catch up to her. Beau grabbed her shoulders as fell into step.
“Jester, what did you give up? What happened in there?” Beau asked, her fear coming across as frustration in her voice. “Talk to me Jess!”
“I gave up something like super precious.” Beau could tell Jester was trying to sound sarcastic, to make it seem like a joke, but the way tears still flowed quickly down her cheeks and the look of terror that crossed her face when she turned to look back at the hut, made the words seem to have more truth to them. “Please Beau, I don’t want to talk about it right now, I don’t … I can’t…”
Her breath was coming faster and faster and she picked up the pace till she was practically running, each breath coming ragged. Beau followed behind, throwing a glance to the rest of the Nein who were jogging to keep up. They all shared her same look of concern.
“Ok, Jester. Slow down a little, you’re going to trip if you’re not careful.” Beau said carefully, trying to hold Jester and calm her break neck pace without stopping outright. She noticed that Jester still hadn’t uncrossed her arms from across her chest.
Everyone followed close now that the pace had slowed. Yasha and Caduceus pushed ahead to keep an eye on the trail. Caleb and Fjord fell back a pace to watch their backs. Nott followed close behind Jester and Beau her crossbow at the ready. No one spoke as their forced march continued into the swampy ground.
It only took a short amount of time for them to find a clearing where the bubble would be most of the way above ground. There was a large stump in the middle, that would make it cramped, but at least they would be dry. Yasha briefly considered trying to push the stump out of the area, but with Jester still in a manic state of fear, she decided to focus on standing guard while Caleb got the dome up.
Once the protective dome was up everyone clustered inside and surrounded Jester. None of them could relax enough to be able to start setting up their bedding, they could only watch Jester’s fearful eyes flick back and forth.
“Jester.” Beau said softly. She ran her hands gently over the other girl’s shoulders. “We’re safe now. Nothing can get inside the dome, not even a dragon. Can you tell us what happened? What new misery did you give to her?”
“Oh it’s totally fine guys.” Jester said, with smile that made even Beau’s smile look genuine. Tears were still rolling in waves down her cheeks as she sobbed out the words. “Now Nott is free and can be changed back and no one had to sacrifice anything!”
Jester leaned heavily against Beau.
“Nott you don’t have to try and break up the peace talks. Yasha you don’t have to offer your notebook full of flowers for your wife. And Beau...Beau you don’t have to leave me. You don’t have to leave us.”
“But Jester, what did you give up?” Beau said, her voice breaking in her frustration and worry.
“Jester.” Caduceus, always the most observant, leaned forward as Jester turned to look at him. “Show us your hands.”
His calm voice made the words almost an order. Beau leaned back looking in growing horror at the way Jester still head her arms crossed across her chest. Jester only shook her head violently, her tail lashing wildly in the undergrowth.
“It’s ok guys, it’s ok. No one has to leave, no one has to be miserable.” Her voice was going wild, cracking and breaking as she spoke, until she whispered out, “except for me.”
“Jester, please.” Beau said, almost as softly as Cad. Her voice strained, coming out horse.
Jester looked at all of them and slowly uncrossed her arms from her chest.
A gasp swept the small area within the dome, equal parts rage and horror.
Jester’s arms ended just past her elbows. Both of them. There were no wounds or scars, her arms just ended in stumps as if she had never had them.
Beau was immediately on her feet her staff in her hand. Fire crackled and flared at Caleb’s fingertips. Yasha stood, Skin Gorger in her hands. Even calm Caduceus had a look of fury on his face.
“I’m going to fucking kill-” Beau’s furious shout was interupted by Jester leaning forward and trying to catch her with a hand that no longer exists.
“NO!” Jester screamed as she tumbled forward trying to grab for Beau. The monk spun on her heel to catch her before she hit the ground, dropping her staff in the process. “Don’t go! I can’t cast my spells without my hands! If something happens to you I won’t be able to heal you, I won’t be able to help!”
Jester pushed her entire body against Beau’s, trying to hold with just her arms.
“Please, please don’t go! I gave my hands so none of you would be taken from me. Please don’t try and fight her, we’re all tired and hurt and we don’t have as many spells, please!”
Beau slowly was being pushed off her center of balance as Jester pressed her body against her. Jester was desperately trying to keep Beau from leaving and it was only the steadying hand of Yasha that kept Beau and Jester from toppling backwards.
“Ok. Jess. We won’t go.” Beau held Jester and helped her lay down. Tears were rolling down her face as she looked down at her. “We’re here for you. No matter what.”
Jester reached up towards Beau’s face. After a second of confusion she realized Jester was trying to wipe the tears from her face, so she lowered her head towards Jester’s stump.
“Don’t leave me, please.”
Beau leaned her face against the stump, as Jester laid underneath her, while the rest of the Nein set up their sleeping pads around Jester, forming a protective circle around her. Beau stayed at her side, until the exhaustion dragged Jester to sleep. Then the monk stood, her staff in hand and watched the night. Strange zombies that had been attracted by their noise scrapped against the dome, until they lost interest and wandered off into the swamp. All night Beau stood over to protect her Jester.
* * *
Several mornings later Beau awoke in her bed in the Xhorhaus. She groaned and rubbed grit from her eyes before turning over. Her eyes were drawn to Jester’s bed across the room.
She sat up when she saw that the bed sat empty. Her scan of the room found Jester soon enough. She was sitting in her chair, staring at the wall she had painted. The mural was the coast of Nicodranas, her mother there singing to the seas, the Nein gathered around to listen. When Beau walked over to her, she barely acknowledged her presence.
“Did you get any sleep last night?” Beau asked, though the massive dark rings under her eyes answered that question well enough. Jester shook her head without taking her eyes off her painting. “Do you want me to get you any breakfast?” Jester shook her head again.
“You have to eat something!” Jester didn’t acknowledge this at all.
Beau leaned forward, her hand going to the back of Jester’s head. She wanted nothing more than to press a kiss to Jester’s temple. Instead she leaned her forehead against her. Jester, ever so gently leaned back, while still keeping her eyes on the painting.
She turned away so Jester wouldn’t be able to see the tears forming in her eyes. She was almost to the door when her voice stopped her in her tracks.
“I messed up, Beau.” Jester said. Her voice was hoarse with disuse.
Beau whirled around to return to Jester’s side. “No, Jessie, you can’t blame yourself, you can’t-”
Jester stood up and brushed past Beau to inspect the painting closer.
“I messed up with the coloration here. My momma’s dress isn’t this color.”
Beau looked at the painting. She couldn’t see anything wrong with the dress. It looked just like one the Ruby had worn during her performance. She looked at Jester sadly, then ran her hand over the other girl’s shoulders before departing.
As soon as she was outside the room she could hear the sound of quiet but intense arguing downstairs. She wiped her eyes and followed the sounds into the dining room. She stopped just outside the room to hear what was being discussed.
“Maybe there is another offer that can be made?” Caduceus’ said.
“What? Trade more misery to that hag? Hasn’t she caused enough harm?” Caleb said.
“This is Jester we’re talking about. Don’t you think that any amount of misery would be worth her happy again?” Fjord shouted.
“We can’t just keep trading misery for misery!” Caleb snapped. “We are already miserably enough. I can’t stand to see her like this either, but what could we offer that wouldn’t hurt just us just as badly?”
“Maybe,” Nott’s voice was soft, scared. “Maybe, I could let her curse me again?”
Beau had enough. She wasn’t going to sit here and listen to her friends, her family talk this way. She stormed in.
“Absolutely not!” She snapped. “Jester gave her hands for you. For all of us, so we didn’t make a worse mistake. I won’t allow you to undo her sacrifice like that.”
Everyone stared at her as she leaned her fists on the table.
“No body leaves. Nobody else is cursed. Nobody is going to be make themselves miserable.” Beau continued, glaring around the table, meeting each of their eyes in turn.
They shuffled uncomfortably for a few seconds.
“How is she by the way?” Yasha asked softly. Beau’s fierce fire she had entered the room with withered. She sat heavily in one of the chairs, her elbows finding the table top as she rested her chin on her hands. Caleb immediately reached over to place a steadying hand on her shoulder, just like when he was looking through Frumpkin’s eyes. Caduceus pushed some tea and breakfast in front of her.
“She’s rough.” Beau whispered. “She hasn’t eaten. I don’t even know when the last time she’s slept. I can barely get her to talk to me.”
The table was silent. Beau leaned slightly against Caleb’s hand, taking comfort in his presence. Cad moved the plate piled high with breakfast just a little closer, and she took the hint and started eating. A few bites in she set her fork down and looked at them all with the same fire she had entered with.
“I just know that she would not want to hear us talking like this. Talking about giving up our own happiness. She sacrificed one most important things to her, her ability to create her art, to keep the rest of safe. To keep us happy. To keep us...together.” Beau had to pause and look down at her plate for a moment to gather herself. The words on her tongue remained unsaid. Jester had sacrificed her hands to keep Beau at her side. A sacrifice Beau could never forget. When she had swallowed down her tears she looked up again. “None of us are going to sacrifice anything else to that hag.”
“But what else can we do?” Nott asked. Beau knew Nott felt the most guilty out of all of them. It was her curse that Jester gave up her hands to break. If Beau had to guess from Nott’s appearance she had been sleeping about as poorly as Jester and Beau herself.
“I don’t know.” Beau rubbed her face, trying to scrub the tiredness from her mind so she could focus, so she could find some way for Jester to be whole again.
A soft thump from the floor above them brought the Mighty Nein to their feet. Everyone stood tense, listening. Beau knew the bedroom she shared with Jester was directly above the dining room. They waited for a moment, when a crash and cry came from above.
The Nein were running for the stairs before the sound had finished. None of them could beat Beau’s speed. She put her all of her training with the Cobalt Soul to use to sprint up the stairs to her door. She burst into the room, her fists clenched, ready to kill anyone who had hurt Jester.
Instead of some assailant who had infiltrated the Xhorhaus to assault Jester, the cleric herself was laying on the ground in a small puddle of paint. Her paints had spilled, splashing her bed, and going all over her. Worst of all was the smear of paint across the entire wall, that clearly followed the trajectory of her fall. Jester sobbed, tears running through the paint on her face.
Beau could see at a glance what Jester had been trying to do. She had wanted to fix the painting. Without hands she had tried whatever she could to paint. There was paint on her the ends of her residual limbs, on her feet, even on her nose.
She moved to Jester’s side without another second’s pause. She held her softly while she cried and cried. The others soon piled into the room, taking in the mess, and Jester’s state.
Caduceus and Fjord began to gather up the bedding, to clean the paint off it. Caleb and Nott both dropped to their knees to scrub the paint off the floor. Yasha, after a moment’s thought joined Beau in holding Jester while she cried.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Jester sobbed. “I just wanted to fix it, I just wanted to help and I ruined everything.”
“Shh, Jester, Shh.” Beau held her as tight as she dared. She couldn’t tell if Jester was talking about the painting or her sacrifice. “This isn’t your fault, Jessie, you are an amazing person, and we are so lucky to have met you. We never could have gotten here without you.”
Beau didn’t know where her sudden eloquence came from, but she meant every word, and would do everything she could to convince Jester of that. Jester looked at Beau through the mist of tears in her eyes.
“B-beau, I got paint on your clothes.” Jester’s lip trembled as she spoke. Beau didn’t even look at herself to confirm, it didn’t matter at all to her. The only thing that mattered was Jester.
“It’s ok, Jess. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving you.”
Yasha carefully started wiping the paint off Jester’s skin, off her arms, her face, and her feet. Nott with her knowledge of chemicals was able to remove most of the still wet paint from the wall, though there were some spots of the yellow stain that remained. In a few minutes Caduceus returned with a plate full of food and some tea. He fed it to Jester, sitting on the floor with a fork in hand, waiting for her to take each bite. Fjord came in with the blanket pulled off his bed, and he slung it around Jester and Beau’s shoulders. Caleb used his greater image to make tiny amber lollipops and hamster unicorns dance around them. And Beau just kept holding her. She would hold onto Jester for the rest of time, if that helped her feel better.
Slowly, under the ministrations of her friends, Jester’s tears slowed. Her shaking shoulders stilled. She moved to hold Beau back, as best as she was able. Still her eyes were drawn again to the painting on the wall.
“Feeling better Jessie?” Beau asked softly, the words whispered into her hair as they held each other.
Jester gave a slow nod, a small smile teasing the edges of her lips. “Thank you all so much.”
“Of course, Ms. Jester. How could we do anything else, but be here for you?” Caduceus said.
She sighed softly, looking at the paint smear across her mural. “I would still like to fix this somehow.”
“What if we help you?” Yasha offered at once. Jester looked at her, hope in her eyes.
“You mean it?”
“Of course.” Yasha stood, gathered some of the paints and brushes, and began carefully painting over the yellow streak. Jester watched for a second than stood with Beau’s help. She leaned around Yasha’s broad arms to look at her mixing paints.
The rest of the Nein spread out around the room. Nott took a brush and began working on the painting near the floor. Caduceus made more tea and made sure everyone had some while they worked. Caleb’s dancing lights ensured that every artist had enough light. Fjord helped rearrange the room so there would be no risk of paint getting on Jester’s bedding again. Beau supported Jester, keeping an arm around her at all times while Jester advised Yasha and Nott on the color mixing to cover the splotch.
With the help of the entire party, they soon managed to return the painting to almost how it had been before Jester’s accident. Some of the shades and paint strokes were obviously different, but Jester didn’t seem to mind. In fact her smile just grew wider, now the painting had even more personality.
The only thing left was the Ruby of the Sea. Jester’s arms started to shake as she looked at the dress, the mistake she had wanted to fix. Beau could see in a moment that none of the others had the confidence in their painting skills to attempt to repaint Jester’s Momma.
The look of sadness was slowly creeping its way back onto her face. Her momma, now covered in a yellow splotch, a permanent stain on the mural. Beau tried to think of some way to help her, some way to keep her brilliant smile on her face. As she thought, still holding Jester, she felt the tiefling’s tail move to wrap around her waist, holding her back. She snapped her fingers as the idea came to her.
“Jester, do you think you could paint with the tip of your tail?”
Jester looked at her surprised for a moment, before whipping her tail around to her front. She was too short to be able to reach her momma. Beau didn’t want to risk Jess on the step ladder again, so she gestured to Yasha.
“Hey Yash, do you think you could-”
Beau didn’t even have to finish the sentence before Yasha, without any visible sign of strain lifted Jester up. Jester couldn’t help a giggle as she suddenly found herself in the air. She was sitting on Yasha’s forearms, so her tail could move however she wanted. She looked over her shoulder while her arms rested on Yasha’s shoulders. Beau picked up the pallet a moved to stand where Jester could see her and the painting.
Jester dabbed the tip of her tail into the paint, but hesitated before touching it to the wall.
“What if I mess it up again?” She whispered, her voice shaky.
“Then we’ll be here to help you fix it. No matter how many times it takes. We’ll be here to help you. Until you’re happy with it.” Beau put her hand on Jester’s knee while she spoke. Jester stared at her, tears once again glistening in her eyes, though they felt different now. More hopeful maybe. Again a smile teased her lips as she looked at Beau.
After taking a deep breath she began painting with her tail. Starting with small strokes at first, but slowly growing confidence. She would direct Beau and Yasha to move around so she could have the best vantage point. Whenever she needed a new color Nott would climb up on Cad’s shoulders so she could mix the paint under Jester’s supervision.
While she painted, Beau held the pallet with one hand and kept the other one Jester’s knee at all times. Sometimes her hand would slip to Yasha’s bicep when the taller woman would turn, but it always found its way back to Jester.
“Jester, when was the last time you talked to the Traveler?” Beau asked softly.
Jester froze a little then took a deep breath and kept painting. “When I tried to trick Isharnai. But the spell didn’t work. What if he’s mad at me, that it didn’t work?”
“If he’s mad at you he is going to have to get over it in a hurry.” Beau said, forcing her voice to stay lighthearted. “We’re going to need his help and yours for some of our future tricks!”
Yasha grunted in agreement, and Nott cheered. Jester smiled and looked down, a few large tears rolling down her face. Beau leaned in, meeting Jester’s fallen gaze.
“Maybe once were done here, we can grab some of your notebooks, and we see how’s he doing?” Beau asked.
“I would like that. I would like that a lot.” Jester said, then after a pause, gasped her voice now panicked. “But I lost my symbol to the Traveler!”
She held up her arm, and Beau realized the Traveler’s gate that normally hung from her wrist must still be attached to that very wrist, whatever the hag had done with it.
“Oh that’s no worry at all.” Caduceus said and hopped to his feet. “I’ll be right back.”
He left the room while the others glanced at each other in confusion for a minute before he returned. In his hands was a simple carved wood version of the Traveler’s symbol.
“I, uh, made this.” Caduceus said, holding the symbol to his chest like it was a living and adorable animal in his hands. “When we first moved in, I, uh, made one for each of us. Seems only right for you to use it now.”
Beau, immediately pulled on the ribbon that is knotted to her staff to untie it. She looped it through the gate Caduceus had made and gently tied it to Jester’s tail. Yasha set Jester back down, and she spun in place trying to look at her tail.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Jester cheered as she spun. She raced around the room, giving each of them a tight hug, and a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you all for your help. I’m so glad you are my friends!”
She finished her lap around the room at Beau’s side. She held her tight, and Beau held her back just as tightly. Jester kissed her cheek, but unlike the others lingered a moment longer on Beau’s cheek.
“Thank you Beau.” She whispered against her.
Beau smiled down at her, then grunted in pain as Jester sagged against her.
“Now I’m so tired.” Jester whined. Beau couldn’t help but laugh.
“That’s what happens when you don’t sleep for several days! Let’s get you to bed.”
While she spoke she nodded towards the door, and the others began to file out slowly. Beau carried Jester over to her own bed, Jester’s bedding was still in the process of getting cleaned. As he left the room Beau made eye contact with Fjord and mouthed, ‘come up with a plan.’ He nodded and finished ushering the others out.
“We’ll let you two sleep as long as you need.” He said as before closing the door.
Beau set Jester down on her bed, then since the tiefling refused to let go, even holding Beau with her tail, the monk climbed into bed beside her. Beau covered them both with her blankets. Jester giggled a little.
“We are in bed together. It’s like we’re sleeping together!” Her voice carried her exhaustion, as she snuggled up against Beau’s chest.
Beau didn’t respond at first. She waited while Jester’s breathing steadied and slowed until she was sure she was asleep. Then Beau softly pressed her lips to Jester’s temple.
“I love you Jess. We’ll figure some way to fix this. I promise.”
* * *
The Mighty Nein as a group are known as many things. Most folks they meet would agree that they are little more than a group of Assholes, trouble makers, good for nothing. However there is a growing number of folks they meet who describe them as dedicated, brilliant and willing to shatter the heavens to protect their own.
Over the next week, the Nein call in and offer up dozens of favors, reaching out to allies they have made from all across the continent. It may seem like over kill to some but this was the Mighty Nein, and this was Jester. Everyone’s favorite tiefling cleric. She got them into and out of who knows how many scraps. She’s the one everyone in the Nein loves, in one way or another.
Somewhere in the mountainous swamps above Kamordah, the quiet around Isharnai’s hut is suddenly shattered as multiple teleportation circles open up. Dairon runs out of one circle at the head of half a dozen monks of the Cobalt Soul. An ogre leaves another, followed by marksmen and fighters of the Gentleman. Yussa Errenis follows them, magic already appearing at his fingertips. Essek emerged from his own circle with a small squad of Kryn dunamancers.
The final group to arrive were the Nein themselves. Each of the Nein had their weapons in their hands, magic sparking at their fingertips. Caleb already had Cat’s Ire cast and as soon as he stepped out of the circle he gestured the massive cat’s claw forward.
The spectral paw tore the roof from hut, setting off the entire burning bonfire of chaos.
Isharnai was a formidable opponent. She was faster than any of them could have predicted, moving with a speed never before seen from one end of the battle to the other. And from the swamps surrounding her home monsters came at her call. Bizzare zombies, harpies and worse. Kryn soldier, Cobalt monk, and criminal hired blades fought side by side, attacking the hag, and defending themselves from the approaching ravenous monsters.
Beau kept a grim smile on her face as she fought, lightning and glowing light flickered at her knuckles as she punished the hag for the misery she caused with blow after blow. She thought for a moment that they would succeed, that they would be able to defeat this hag, and possibly return Jester to how she had been.
That was until she blinked and Isharnai disappeared from across the battlefield. Beau spun in place looking for her quarry, only to come face to face with the hag herself. Sharp claws forced their way into her belly, tearing at her exposed abdomen. Blood poured out as she stumbled back, away from the hag.
“NNNOOOOO!!!!!” the pained shriek seemed to shatter the sky, but it didn’t come from Beau. A column of light, brighter than anything she’s seen before pours down from the sky, siering Isharnai. “You will not take her away from me!”
Beau turned, with difficulty to the edge of the battle. Jester had insisted on coming. There was no way she was going to be willing to stay behind waiting for word. She had come as ready for battle as she could be. Now when Beau turned to look at her, she could see the glowing sigil still hanging in the air, trailing Jester’s tail, with her wooden symbol of the Traveler hanging from it. The light of Dawn, burning down from the heavens, almost blinded her.
The Kryn soldiers hid their faces, but continued to fight as well as they were able. Caduceus ran past tapping Beau’s shoulder to allow healing energy to flow through her. She and Yasha played their roles of sentinel keeping Isharnai in the column of burning light. Caleb “gatling fireball” Widogast incinerated every blade of grass within the column, while Fjord’s divine spells flew alongside Caduceus’. The whole time, Jester sat on her knees, her holy symbol raised high as she prayed and prayed to the Traveler to keep the spell up.
Finally the final blow was struck. Who won the killing strike couldn’t be clear with the number of combatants. Privately Beau bet Isharnai succumbed to the flaming light of Jester’s magic. Regardless the hag falls. The fighters catch their breath. And Jester runs forward to catch Beau as best she can as the blood loss brings her to her knees.
It took a few attempts for Jester to use her tail for the somatic elements of the spell, but Beau soon felt another burst of healing radiant energy run through her body, stitching her wounds closed. Beau smiled up at Jester, and put one blood stained hand up to cup her face.
“Hey Jess.” Beau said, with a tired smile. “We did it!”
“Yeah we did. Of course, we’re the Mighty Nein!” Jester said, her smile bright, even as a few small tears rolled down her cheeks.
Slowly the fighters picked themselves up. Jester stayed with Beau, on the edge of the circle burned into the ground. Essek and Yussa made their way carefully into the remains of the hut, with Caleb and Fjord following close behind. After a few minutes of searching they emerged with a small cage in Caleb’s hand. In the cage were two blue hands, one with a silver symbol to the Traveler still on it’s wrist.
Jester put her arms up in surprise, and to the greater surprise of those surrounding her the hands flexed as if they had just been brought up to her face. Jester looked at them, making them turn and flex for a few seconds, before she made her hands perform a series of lewd and obscene gestures. She was soon rolling on the floor laughing at the sight of her hands separate from her body. Though not everyone was as amused.
Yussa and Essek were quietly discussing with Caleb possible ways to reattach her hands and undo Isharnai’s curse. Jester suggested they make it so her hands could float around without her body. Essek shut that down in no uncertain terms.
“I fear the world would not survive a prankster such as yourself being able to control her hands separate from her body.” He said. Jester had to agree with him.
Beau couldn’t focus on anything else, just Jester and the fact that they had made it. They had survived and got her back her hands, as soon as the wizards could figure out she would be whole again. Jester turned and saw her staring and leaned against her.
“Don’t ever think about leaving me again.” She whispered into Beau’s ear.
“I wouldn’t dream of it.” Beau responded, leaning forward so her forehead bumped Jester’s temple.
“Better not.”
Before Beau could say anything else Jester leaned forward and kissed, quieting any thoughts in her head. Beau smiled against Jester’s lips.
As long as they were together, this family of the Mighty Nein, no matter how dark the hour, somehow they will manage to shine a light through.
#critical role#mighty nein#beaujester#jester lavorre#beauregard lionett#caleb widogast#caduceus clay#jester's hands#isharnai#yasha#writing emerald#please reblog
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What is Jester’s Relationship with the Traveler, and is it Healthy?
TLDR: Sorry this is long, I’ll put this at the top. They are best friends, he’s not a father figure, he’s her best friend and maybe idealized crush. He did not groom her. He did not gaslight her. He failed to communicate, failed to take responsibility for the pain that lack of communication caused her, did not actually apologize, and for many, many reasons, they do not have a healthy relationship.
I noticed the chat during C2E103 seemed split between describing Artagan as either gaslighting/abusive “boyfriend” or narcissistic “father figure”. Since Boyfriend and Father are two VERY different things, the first question is:
What exactly Jester’s relationship with the Traveler?
The Traveler is her best friend. While some viewers have described Artagan as Jester’s Father figure because she grew up without a Father, the text does not support that interpretation.
Jester first describes the Traveler in C2E08 she says, “I mean, yeah, sure. I worship him, sure. He’s more like my best friend.” Later, in that same episode, she prays to him because she misses him and worries he might not like her now that she has new friends, “I want you to know that you’re still my best friend and if you want me to be alone I will be if that means that you’ll be here.” The text is explicit that she sees him as her ‘best friend.’
Then in C2E17 we get this scene:
LAURA: I take a bite of my caramel apple, and I go walking down.
MATT: You hear a crunch sound and your hand shakes for a second and you look down and a mysterious secondary bite was taken out of the apple.
LAURA: (gasp) I lick the spot.
(groaning)
SAM: You’re making out with your god? Gross.
MATT: They have a special relationship.
Jester licking the spot where the Traveler took a bite of her apple seems like she’s attempting an indirect kiss.. Sam picks up on that, questioning if Jester makes out with The Traveler. Matt comments they have a special relationship. (This scene is already pretty creepy, you guys, but it would be a MILLION times creepier if she thought of him as a father figure.)
In C2E42, Jester talks to the Traveler about her crush on Fjord. “Traveler, how do I make a boy like me?” After the Traveler offers some advice, Jester asks, “You’re not jealous, are you?” And after the Traveler says he’s not, Jester still tells him, “You’ll always be my number one love.” This exchange adds credence to the reading that the Traveler is not only Jester’s best friend but, like Fjord, a romanticized crush. Her best friend, her number one love.
In C2E56 we learn that Jester first met the Traveler 15 years ago. “He was, you know, like my age when he came to see me, and then we hung out and we were like best friends hanging out for a long time” The Traveler was not an adult male ‘father figure’ to Jester as she was growing up. He was another child her own age. In conclusion, to Jester the Traveler is her best friend who grew up with her.
2) The next question: Is this relationship healthy?
NO, it’s NOT
During the Traveler’s first on-screen conversation with Jester in C2E09 Matt gives the following description. “There in the dark space of the hood, you can see the familiar verdant irises looking back, and the warmth fills you once more, the comfort that kept you comfortable so many years alone in that room.”
Jester grew up, for years, alone in a room. That is not healthy because children need socialization. They need to be around other people, including other children. Jester’s Mother loves her, but keeping her isolated like that was not healthy.
She needed a friend and the Traveler gave her that. The issue is, children need more than one friend. Jester’s only relationships growing up were with her Mother and with the Traveler. From childhood to her early twenties she’s only had two people in her life, and the Traveler and her Mother. He’s her only friend. It’s no wonder Jester is attached to the Traveler and insecure in her relationship when it changes.
Once Jester begins adventuring, he is not there with her constantly. In C2E8 she worries that he might be upset that she has other friends now and tries to assure him she’s still his best friend, even offering to be alone again if that would make him come back.
That is not a healthy attachment. Note, the Traveler does not ask her to leave her friends or put him first. He comes to her later that night to assure her that he’s with her. In Episode C2E09 when Jester is upset because she hasn’t received a care package from her Mother. The Traveler tells her that her mother doesn’t know she’s here yet, but comforts her by reminding Jester that she has her friends.
The Traveler wants Jester to have friends. Her insecurity in the relationship does not seem to come from him. Jester is insecure because she’s only had two people matter in her life, and her Mother just asked her to leave because she couldn’t protect anymore. The fact that Jester is anxious when the package doesn’t arrive because Beau is skeptical about it is telling. Jester knows her Mother, the Mighty Nein do not, but their doubt that Jester has a Mother who cares and will send her money is enough to get under Jester’s skin. She hasn’t had enough secure relationships to feel confident in the relationships she has, and that’s not healthy.
As for the Traveler, I have seen some argue that he “groomed” Jester. Grooming is a term coined to describe predatory behavior by child molesters and sexual abusers: “Grooming is a process used by people with a sexual interest in children to prepare a child for sexual abuse. It is often very carefully planned and it can take place over weeks, months or even years.” (source)
As Jester is not a survivor of child sexual abuse, it is likely that people using this term to describe “a predatory tactic that is meant to build a deep emotional connection” (source) that the traveler used to manipulate Jester.
Except, that Traveler is not someone who has a plan, especially not a detailed, drawn-out plan required to groom Jester into starting a cult to gain power. Such a scenario would also require a lot of steps and for factors outside his control to go right. 1. Find an isolated child. 2. Hope she stays that way and that her mother doesn’t send her to boarding school or something. 3. Appear as a child and keep up the act to become childhood best friends 4. Hope she jumps to the conclusion you’re a god without you ever telling her that 5. wait for her to grow up and become your cleric. 6. Hope that her belief will give you divine powers 7...profit?
That scenario is giving Artagan way too much credit. He doesn’t like work or responsibility. He does not think about what he’s doing or the consequences. He is not capable of patiently crafting a decades-long scheme, he’d get bored way too fast.
More likely this happened one, not so well thought out choice, at a time. In C2E94 the Traveler explains, “I am the Traveler, but it was not always this way, for when I traveled here, it was a world before me where I was without burdens, without responsibilities... amusing myself by leaping into every whim with glee and purpose. And one day, I met a little girl...This little girl and I found a kinship….and she saw me as a god. So for her-- for you-- I donned the mask of one.” The Traveler further clarifies, “I didn't intend for this to be what it was”(C2E95).
The Traveler, on a whim, decides to make a little girl happy. What does she want? A friend? He can’t create a friend for her or change her circumstances short of kidnapping her, so he polymorphs himself into a child her age and becomes her friend.
In C2E95 the Mighty Nien postulate that he took on an appearance to get close to her.
YASHA: So he, but he wasn't a real little kid when he met you, that's how he befriended you.
FJORD: He made himself appear that way.
Which, if true, would be creepy. However, given the Traveler does not have a motive or want anything from Jester, it’s likely Artagan polymorphed himself and body and mind became a mortal child. (my guess is a younger version of the half-elf Keelyn that he based on Keyleth) He’s an immutable immortal being, impossibly ancient and eternally young, he’s never been a child or grown-up before, and it might be fun.
That is the sort of ‘on a whim’ thing that tracks what we know about Artagan from campaign one. A twink in leather says I can’t die; his response is ok I want to try killing you then. Why? He’s never done that before and wants a new experience. He lives for new experiences and probably really enjoyed being a child and growing up with a best friend.
Then when Jester started to see him a god, he became that because he doesn’t want to disappoint her. That isn’t healthy either. Relationships based on trying to be what you think the other person wants instead of hoping someone likes you for you don’t work out. If he had been honest, I’m sure Jester would have been happy to have Artagan the Archfey as a friend and would have been thrilled with her cool Warlock powers if he offered them. He does not want to risk disappointing Jester with the truth. When he does reveal the truth, and Jester asks if they’ll still be friends, his answer is, “If you'll have me." (C2E95).While this wording may simply suggest he's carefree and not possessive, it implies that he did not know if Jester would still want to be his friend.
Having godly powers also lets him give Jester abilities that help her. When Jester asks if she can contact her Mother in C2E09 he responds, “I think the more deeds you do, the more lives you change, the more confident brats you break-- She'll find you”. He wants her to grow his faith to become powerful enough to learn the spell sending and talk to her mom whenever she wants.
However, growing in power means he is stretched thin. “While such faith granted me power beyond what I thought possible to achieve, I was being spread too thin across those who I'd taken under my wing. I thought to bring them all together, to unify their causes and perhaps forge a community under this banner, my banner, our banner.” He devises the plan for Traveler Con after slavers kidnapped Jester while he wasn’t looking. Part of his motivation likely is to find a way to manage his followers so he can be free to be there for Jester.
It likely the Traveler has never had a friend before either. He describes his past and his experience with gaining followers as “Eons of living for only myself, I found a new joy in helping others” (C2E94). Jester was his forest experience with caring about another person. Neither Jester nor the Traveler had other friends. They grew up together with only each other. Then Jester went off into the world as an adult, made other friends and he tried to be what she wanted and still wants to be her friend but he does not know how to be a good friend.
That does not mean their relationship is abusive. Many point to the conversation in C2E103 as evidence that Artagan is gaslighting Jester, but that is arguably not the case .Gaslighting means “to manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity” (source) Gaslighting goes beyond failing to validate someone’s feelings “I’m sorry you feel that way” to actively invalidating their feelings e.g. ‘Why do you feel that way, you have no reason to’. The phrase “I’m sorry you feel that way” is known as a “non-apology apology”. Such phrasing can be used to gaslight as it “may imply the person took offense for hypersensitive or irrational reasons.” (Id.)
However, a non-apology in personal relationships is not always gaslighting. “Statements that use the word "sorry" but do not express responsibility for wrongdoing may be meaningful expressions of regret. But such statements can also be used to elicit forgiveness without acknowledging fault.” (Id. Emphasis Added).
Not taking responsibility for how your actions impact others is manipulative, wanting forgiveness without accepting fault and realizing what you did wrong so that you won’t do it again. Artagan is ABSOLUTELY an irresponsible person. He hates responsibility and is actively working on getting out of his responsibilities (which is ironic, working to avoid work). He has never had to take responsibility for anything, even feeling regret may well be against his nature as a fey.
That’s not healthy. Artagan should have taken responsibility. Because it doesn’t matter that he did not mean to scare Jester, he did scare her. He scared her so much that he brought her to tears. When Artagan realizes he’s upset her he says:
“Please don’t ever think I’m not looking out for your best interests.”
“Oh dear thing, I don’t mean to put you through this.”
“I’m sorry if you felt abandoned.”
This phrasing is not taking responsibility. He did put Jester through this and it hurt her, he did leave her in a situation where she feared he would abandon her and doubted if he was looking out for her best interests because he did not communicate.
That said, the conversation does not cross into gas-lighting because he does not invalidate the way Jester feels. On the contrary, he validates her by saying, “You’re right, I should have been a little more forthright with you with information.”
This belated realization does not change the fact he put Jester in danger without her informed consent, and she calls him on it, screaming that she’s there for extra days, meaning more danger, because he did not warn her. When she realizes she’s yelling at him, she apologizes, but he says, “It’s alright.” He does not invalidate that she’s upset or question her yelling at him. Instead he focuses on addressing what’s upsetting her i.e. fear of losing her memory and being left on an island enslaved to a monster, reiterating “I would have come back.” And Jester knows it’s the truth because he has promised her to come back and in this fantasy fey rules context, that means he cannot break his word.
Making that promise is taking action to address her concerns. Not only does Artagan validate her feelings, but he also takes active steps to address her fears by giving her what she needs, clearly communicated assurance. Again, this is a Binding Promise, a fey promise is like a devil’s contract, it’s deep unbreakable magic and not something a fey would give for nothing, but he does, freely, because he recognizes that she needs assurance that he will look out for her.
Note: In real life, promising is not enough because actions show change. It is important to remember that abusers aren’t 100% awful all the time. Abuse is often followed by a honeymoon period. If someone hurts you saying you need more than words, you need demonstrated change beyond the honeymoon period. However, in the context of analyzing this scene, Artagan making a promise is itself an action taken.
He has a long way to be a good friend and what he did was wrong and his initial responses do not take responsibility. That is a red flag. An actual apology would have been:
“I did not plan to leave you here. I always try to look out for your best interests. I’m sorry I was not more forthright with you with information and put you in a frightening situation. I’m sorry for scaring you. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry I have not been there for you in the way you need.”
And while he did take responsibility and acknowledge what he did wrong, he didn’t accompany that with an I’m sorry. To me, that comes down more on the side of flawed character rather than an irredeemable gaslighting abuser. Admitting you were wrong and the other person is right is the opposite of gaslighting and Artagan did that.
That does not mean this relationship is Healthy. In terms of being a friend, Artagan has no experience, and the fact he’s a fey makes him a very bad choice of friend. If you’re of a kind where vows are binding learning to speak open and honestly might be a challenge. Fey also lack empathy so he will have to rely on Jester to tell her why she’s upset and to set boundaries. Communication, setting boundaries, interpersonal-effectiveness, in general, is a skill, and Jester never had many friends, so she’s still learning too.
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Knowledge (Dad!Tony x Reader + Loki x Reader)
Requested by @dovies666, I hope this fits your suggestion :p <3 I’m sorry for the delay :( I hope you like <3
@mymourningtea
Author’s Note: The reader has dyed hair so the Y/F/C will be the colour of the hair. You guys know the drill with names so we’re all good there :)
“You enchant me. Do you understand? I cannot resist you at all. I writhe and dance to your every command like a cobra captivated by a snake charmer’s spell. You consume me absolutely, heart to mind, and breath to bone. Every thought, every action, every pulse, is yours.” ~ Beau Taplin (The Snake Charmer)
Of all the places Y/N Stark had been to, Scandinavia remained at the top of the list of her favourites. It was indeed fortunate that her studies had allowed her to travel to some truly amazing and historic places.
Having spent the best part of three months in Norway, Y/N had taken advantage of one of the University Libraries. Primarily the University of Oslo, which was also open to the public. Y/N soon spent her days surrounded by piles of books, some in English, but most in Norwegian.
It was on one such day that her phone rang, causing her to kick the pile of books before her in surprise and drop the book she was reading. Looking around to make sure no one had seen her little mishap, she looked to see who was calling.
“Dad?”
“Yes honey, who else would it be?” Tony Stark addressed his daughter in mock exasperation.
Y/N laughed as quietly as she could. “Mum sometimes rings via you,” she could just picture his face.
“Why are you whispering?”
Biting her lip, Y/N glanced around and saw she was alone, “I’m in a library Dad.”
“You’re always in a library!”
Y/N grinned, that much was true. Either that, or she was in a book store. “Libraries are part of my studies Dad..or have you forgotten?”
“I will never understand why you chose that path but hey! If you’re passion’s there, what more could you want.”
Y/N smiled to herself, many thought she would follow in her father’s footsteps and were very surprised when she announced that she would be going to College to study Librarianship. Y/N was the bookworm of the family and devoured any book that was within reaching distance.
“I don’t wanna sound rude Dad, but why did you call? Is everything ok at home?”
“Everything’s fine sweetheart,” her father’s voice reassured her over the phone.
“You want me to come home don’t you?”
“You know how your mother worries.”
Y/N nodded to herself, that she did. Her mother, while being very supportive, still worried incessantly whenever her daughter was out of the country for more than two weeks. “You can tell Mum, that I’ll be making plans to leave by the end of the week.”
Tony paused a little before answering, “shall I send the jet over?”
Shaking her head, Y/N ran her free hand through her Y/F/C hair and laughed. “Thanks for the offer Dad, but I think I’ll take a normal plane with everyone else.”
“If you’re sure?”
She nodded as though he could see her, “one hundred percent.”
“Send us your flight info so we can meet you when you arrive yeah?”
Her smile never faltered, “of course Dad, as soon as I know, so will you and Mum.”
“Much appreciated honey, so I guess we’ll be seeing you soon then?”
“Very soon Dad.”
~ ~ ~
Y/N read for most of the journey home. Her nose was buried in a book of Nordic folklore. While she knew they were all merely stories, a part of her was still fascinated. Her e/c eyes drank in the information in front of her. Her eyes lingered on the sections where the Nordic deities were mentioned. Mythical deities from any culture interested her but these held a certain kind of appeal.
It was only when the voice over the intercom notified the passengers that they were about to land, did Y/N’s focus divert from her book.
Before she knew it, Y/N was walking out of the Arrivals gate and was enveloped in one of her mother’s notorious hugs. “Hi Mum.” She couldn’t help but hug her back.
“Oh sweetie, it’s so good to have you back,” Pepper murmured into her daughter’s hair.”
Gently pulling away, Y/N turned to face her father. “Hi Dad.” She was rewarded with a small smile.
“Welcome back,” Tony reached out and shook her hand before pulling her into a hug. “It’s good to see you kid.”
~ ~ ~
“Wow!” Was all Y/N could say as she exited the elevator. Her parents never ceased to amaze her. Before her was a fully furnished living space on what appeared to be the top most floor of Stark Tower. While Y/N had never been one for heights, she had to admit, the view of New York from where she stood, was breathtaking.
“Beautiful isn’t it?” Her father came up beside her.
Nodding wordlessly, Y/N agreed. It was only when her mother passed her a glass of champagne, did Y/N snap out of the awe-filled trance she had fallen into. A little confused, she turned to look at her mother.
“In celebration,” her mother said in answer to her daughter’s silent question. “In celebration of the completion of the tower.”
Clinking glasses with her parents, Y/N was about to take a sip when they were interrupted. All but glaring at the intruder, a middle-aged man, Y/N commenced drinking.
“Phil, welcome,” her mother got up to welcome their unexpected guest.
Exchanging a look with her father, Y/N began to wonder just who this ‘Phil’ was and how her mother seemed to know him so well.
“Since when is he ‘Phil’?” Her father seemed equally confused. The look Pepper sent him seemed to convey the required explanation.
Y/N watched the rest of the exchange between Phil and her parents in silence. Her eyes flittered between the three of them and then finally landed on the black object her father was given, via her mother.
Curiosity overcame her, so Y/N moved to stand beside her father who stood by a desk of sorts. “Dad? What is that?”
“I’m not too sure,” Tony murmured, half to her and half to himself. “Whatever it is, it can’t be good.” As he opened it, Y/N gasped. Before them flickered images and videos of people she had never seen before causing unimaginable havoc.
“Dad?”
Tony answered her by throwing the images up onto the windows. Amazed, Y/N made her way to the windows and looked at each of the people in turn, her eyes not lingering more than a few seconds. That is, until she came to one of a raven haired man.
Y/N’s e/c eyes lingered longer than they had on the others. There was something about this man that seemed familiar. “Dad?” Her voice sounded far away, even to her own ears.
“Yes?” Tony came and stood beside his daughter. Her tone had drawn his attention away from his study of the other images.
“Who is that ?” Lifting a hand, Y/N pointed to the image of the dark haired man.
Leaning in, Tony narrowed his eyes, “I can’t say I’ve ever seen him before, why?” He turned to face Y/N, whose eyes seemed glued to the image before her.
“I don’t know, he seems familiar somehow, like I’ve seen him before.”
Her words surprised him. “You know him?”
“No, but,” Y/N trailed off, her head was tilted to one side and her eyes were distant.
“Hello in there,” Tony waved a hand in front of her eyes, “earth to Y/N.”
‘Sorry,” blinking, she tore her eyes away and looked at her father and smiled apologetically.
“No worries kid, you just went a little distant for a bit.” Tony patted her on the arm and moved to the desk behind them. His movements not going unnoticed.
“Dad? Is everything alright?”
“Yeah. Just gotta go outta town for a bit.”
Crossing her arms, Y/N narrowed her eyes at her father’s back. “You’re going to join them aren’t you? These ‘Avengers’.”
Sighing, Tony turned to face her. “I see there’s point in lying to you. I’ve been called in by a security agency. The head of this organisation, Nick Fury, wants the whole group together before giving us any more details.”
“Take me with you.” The words came out of her mouth before she could stop them.
“What?” Her father seemed more confused than shocked.
“You always want me to ‘get out of my shell’,” shrugging, Y/N continued, “maybe this could help.”
“Honey,” Tony moved to stand directly in front of her, “this could be very dangerous. I would never forgive myself if anything happened to you. Nor would your mother for that matter.”
“Dad please! I promise I won’t get in the way or get into any trouble.” Her voice took on a begging tone, one that Tony was not accustomed to. “You know what they say…’no time like the present’’.
“Alright, fine, you can come, but you must always tell me if you decide to go anywhere.”
Y/N raised a elegantly-shaped brow.
“I will need to know where you are at all times, is that understood?” Looking his daughter in the eye, Tony smiled, “I know you can take care of yourself but still..its for peace of mind, for me and your mother. Who, by the way is going to murder me when she finds out.”
Y/N couldn’t help but laugh. “You tend to exaggerate sometimes Dad.”
“Y/N. Do you promise?”
Nodding, Y/N grinned, “of course.”
~ ~ ~
The hellicarrier was unlike anything Y/N had ever seen. It was huge and made her feel smaller than she already was. Following her father, she soon came to what seemed like the control centre for the vessel.
Clutching her favourite book to her chest, Y/N drank in every detail and almost shrieked in surprise when a voice spoke from behind her. “Pretty amazing isn’t it?”
Turning around, Y/N came face-to-face with a young-ish looking man with short dark blonde hair. Nodding, she agreed with him, “it sure is.”
“You’re Stark’s kid aren’t you?”
Y/N smiled slightly, “that’s me. What gave it away?”
“He talks about you sometimes.”
‘Oh,” she didn’t quite know how to take that. “Thanks, I guess.”
“I’m Steve by the way,” the young man held out a hand, “Steve Rogers.”
Reaching out, Y/N shook the offered hand. “Y/N Stark.”
“It’s nice to finally meet you Miss Stark.”
Y/N opened her mouth to reply when a tall dark skinned man addressed the small group that had gathered.
Y/N gravitated towards her father and eyed the rest of the group. A young woman with short red hair and a middle-aged man with glasses made the number up to four. She heard hardly a word as her eyes took in her father’s team members. The woman was dressed in a skin-tight black suit and her red hair was cut in a bob just above her shoulders. The man with glasses seemed a little on edge, almost as though he didn’t really want to be there.
“One of our best agents is now under his control. It is paramount that both he and the Tesseract are located as quickly as possibl-” the man’s words were cut off by the excited voice of one of the crew members.
“We have a match! We’ve found him Sir.”
Curious to see just who he was, Y/N followed the dark skinned man to one of the control screen and had to blink to make sure she wasn’t imagining things. There he was, the raven-haired man from the photos she had seen back at Stark Tower. Just who was he?
“Captain, looks like you’re up.”
No amount of begging or pleading got her father to change his mind. “Y/N I can’t let you come with us. I’m pushing things as it is. I need you to stay here, I’ll be back soon honey, don’t you worry.”
Y/N had no idea where this sudden urge to go out and do things came from. Usually she would have been quite pleased if she could stay back. She knew that nothing could changer her father’s mind once it was made up.
Watching one of the numerous jets take off, Y/N’s mind wandered back to the man in the photos. Why did she feel like she had seen him before? She hoped and wandered if maybe the answer lay in some of the books she had brought with her.
Moments later, Y/N was seated on the small bed in the quarters she’d been given. She had unpacked all the books she had brought and was rifling through them in hopes of finding an answer to her question.
Hours passed before she finally gave up. Gently pushing some of her books to the side, Y/N curled up on the small bed and promptly fell asleep.
~ ~ ~
“Y/N? Sweetheart?”
Blinking awake, Y/N saw her father kneeling by her bed and smiling gently at her.
“You’re back,” her voice was still heavy with sleep.
“And you were asleep,” her father teased. “You’ve been reading again haven’t you?”
Nodding, Y/N moved to sit up and rubbed her eyes while trying to stifle a yawn. “Dad?”
“Mmm?”
“Can I explore the ship, just you know, so I know where everything is?”
Her question caught Tony off guard and it took him a while before he answered. “I don’t see why not. But Y/N there will be areas that you won’t be allowed to go, promise me that you won’t go to those areas.”
“I promise Dad. Besides, I’ve never really been one for adventure have I ?” A mischievous grin followed her words.
After her father left, Y/N looked around for her favourite book. She never went anywhere without it, she felt bare and exposed if she did. Leaving her room, Y/N wandered down the empty corridor and went down a few elevators and eventually came to what she perceived to be the bottom of the vessel.
Ducking numerous pipes and walking over a few, Y/N’s interest grew. Coming to a small passageway, her attention was caught by movement. Curious to see who it was, Y/N moved closer and soon came to what appeared to be a huge glass case at the end of a small path.
Loki stopped his pacing when the sound of approaching footsteps could be heard. These were different, they were lighter and little more unsure.
Turning around he came face-to-face with a young woman. She was as still as a statue and was looking at him with thinly veiled curiosity. Her h/l Y/F/C hair was pulled away from her face in a messy bun. Her slender arms were hugging a book close to her chest as though it were her life-line. The right side of her face was slightly red and her eyes looked a little tired, as though she had just woken up.
“Hello,” her gentle voice pulled him from his silent observation. As his emerald eyes met her e/c ones, she smiled warmly. An expression that caught him off guard.
“What do you want?”
The coldness of the question did nothing to deter Y/N. Here he was, the man from the photos. His black hair lightly brushed his shoulders and his eyes were such a deep green, she almost thought he was wearing contacts. What he wore seemed to be from a bygone era, with intricate patterns in the metal on his shoulder and on the belt that was slung across his chest.
“It’s so beautiful,” she murmured to herself.
“What is?”
The question pulled her eyes away from their observation. “What you’re wearing. It’s very beautiful.”
This statement was the last thing he expected to hear. The young woman didn’t seem the least bit afraid of him. Did she perhaps not know who he was or what he had done? “Who are you?”
“Oh forgive me,” Y/N felt heat creep up her neck and ducked her head in an effort to hide it. “I’m Y/N.”
“Y/N,” he murmured. Clearing his features and adjusting his posture, he looked at her, her eyes were still directed to the floor. “I am Loki of Asgard.”
Y/N felt her eyes widen and her head jerked up to look at him. “I-I’m sorry?” It couldn’t be! She remembered reading about him in numerous books back in Norway. Her eyes widened a second time as realisation slammed into her. That’s why he seemed so familiar, she’d read about him in such detail, it was as if she’d been looking at a life-like painting.
Her stuttered response made him smile. Much better. But that smile faded as he caught the look in her wide eyes. There was no fear, only amazement and disbelief.
“I’ve read about you, you know.” She sounded almost a little shy as she looked at him through her lashes.
“You’ve read about me?” Gone was the coldness, replaced by curiosity.
Smiling, Y/N nodded. “You and your brother.”
Usually the mention of his brother angered him, but the way this young woman spoke about him, it was clear that his brother came second in her eyes, not the other way round.
~ ~ ~
Y/N had never once lied to her parents. She never had cause to. But now, as her father asked her if she’d found anything interesting during her little exploration, she found that the truth stuck in her throat, not wanting to come out. So, looking her father in the eye, she shook her head, “nothing aside from pipes and little metal pathways.”
If her father believed her or not, she had no way of truly telling. He simply nodded and smiled before leaving to go back to the lab he had been provided with.
Waiting until she heard his footsteps fade down the hallway, she poked her head out the door to make sure the coast was clear. Quietly closing the door behind her, Y/N went in the opposite direction to her father.
It didn’t take her long to find her way back to the detention level. “Hello again,” she spoke a little louder this time.
Loki turned at the sound of her voice. She was back. This time, as he faced her, the previous shyness was gone, and her eyes seemed to sparkle with unasked questions. His eyes were drawn to the book that she carried with her. “That book, it is important to you?”
Smiling, Y/N nodded. “It’s my favourite. I keep it with me at all times. I know, it’s childish but,” biting her lip, she looked down at the book, “I feel exposed and vulnerable without it.”
Loki didn’t miss the way she looked at the book in her arms. “It is not childish, not in the least.” The way her thumbs traced gentle circles on the book’s cover reminded him of how he’d held and treated the books he’d had back in Asgard.
Looking up, Y/N smiled at him. The words sounded so genuine and she detected no trace of the coldness from their previous conversation.
“You like to read?”
Y/N almost laughed. The amount of times she’d been asked that question were too many to be counted on two hands. “Yes. I do. If you ask my parents, they would say I spend more time reading than in the company of actual people.”
That phrase had been used to describe him on more than one occasion. For the first time, the Silvertongued Prince was struck speechless. Before him stood a mortal who bore such striking similarities to him that he almost thought he was imagining it all.
“Oh dear,” her soft voice brought him out of his thoughts. “I’ve been rambling again. Saying too much. I should go.” She turned and made to leave when his voice stopped her.
“Don’t go.”
Turning to face him, she was greeted with a small, almost hopeful smile. “Will you stay?”
Y/N answered with a smile of her own and cocked her head to the side. “Are you sure?”
~ ~ ~
“Nat? Have you seen Y/N? I’ve checked her room but she’s not there.” Tony ran a hand through his hair. The last time he’d seen his daughter, she was sitting cross-legged on her bed with a book open.
“I passed her in the hall a little while ago,” the young Russian answered while studiously cleaning one of her numerous blades.
“Where was she headed?”
“Don’t know,” Nat murmured, squinting at the metal, “I didn’t think to ask.”
Sighing, Tony turned to Thor, who stood nearby, “you, Point Break, have you seen her?”
“Who is she?” Thor asked, a little confused. He had, as yet, not met anyone with the name Y/N.
“She’s my daughter.”
“You have a daughter Stark?!” Thor exclaimed, surprise colouring the words.
“Yes,” Tony answered with some exasperation, “and now I can’t seem to find her.”
“Relax Stark,” Thor clapped him on the shoulder, “we are in the air. She can’t have gone far.”
~ ~ ~
“So,” Y/N bit her lip and held the book a little closer, “can you really do magic? Or was that just the writer’s imaginations?”
Pride took over, “of course I can. Those mortals would never have had the mental capacity to think up something like that!”
Y/N smirked and inched a little closer to the glass that separated them. “Co-could you maybe show me?”
“I don’t do tricks!” There it was, the haughty tone of a royal.
Backing away from the glass, Y/N feigned defeat. “I apologise. I was wrong to ask something of you that you obviously aren’t ready for. My mistake.” Turning around, she grinned to herself and had to bite her lip to keep from laughing.
“Mortals.”
Stopping short, Y/N looked up and saw him standing in front of her. Her jaw hit the floor before she burst out laughing, much to his confusion.
“What is so funny?”
Taking a deep breath, Y/N composed herself and met his emerald gaze. “I played to your ego and that you would just love to prove me wrong.”
“My ego hmm?” A dangerous edge coated the words.
Nodding, Y/N answered. “Indeed.” She narrowed her eyes at him as he slowly moved closer. Unconsciously, her feet moved back the more he advanced and soon the cold glass was pressed against her back.
“You think you can play games with me little mortal?” Loki bent slightly and whispered in her ear, sending shivers down her spine.
“I thought you liked games,” Y/N barely managed to answer. Her breathing hitched as she felt him trace the side of her face lightly with one hand.
Loki opened his mouth to answer when a noise nearby caused him to pull away and disappear back through the glass.
Confused, Y/N blinked and looked behind her and saw him in the cell. “You could have escaped, why didn’t you?”
She never got an answer as the sound of approaching footsteps caused her to bolt.
~ ~ ~
Tony finally found her with her nose in a book, sitting quietly by the table by the main control hub for the hellicarrier. Upon closer inspection, he saw that it was her favourite book, the one she took everywhere.
“There you are,” he didn’t bother to hide his relief.
“Mm?” Her mind was half in the book and half in reality.
“I was looking everywhere for you.”
“Well,” closing her book, Y/N turned to face her father. “Here I am.”
“Here you are indeed. Where were you all that time?”
Swallowing, Y/N looked her father in the eye. “I was on deck. I wanted to see what it looked like during the day. The last time I saw it was at night when you and the others went on that mission.” She fervently hoped she sounded convincing.
“I wander why the deck hands didn’t tell me you were there.”
Standing up, Y/N smiled up at her father, “they most likely didn’t know you were looking for me, otherwise I’m sure they would have notified me.” She didn’t know where this sudden ease at lying came from.
“Mmm, I suppose so.”
“Well, I’m gonna go and try and get some sleep.” Standing slightly on her tip-toes, Y/N kissed her father on the cheek.
“Ok kid, I’ll be in the lab if you need anything.”
Nodding, Y/N slipped from the room and headed to her quarters.
Watching her go, Tony smiled. Y/N was so different in so many ways and yet he wouldn’t have her any other way. She would always be his little girl, no matter how old she really was.
Try as she might, Y/N could not get to sleep. She tossed and turned for what felt like hours. Every time she closed her eyes, twin green orbs stared back at her. Her unanswered question didn’t make things any easier either.
Eventually giving up, she threw the covers aside and grabbing her book, she left the room, her body seemed to be on autopilot as she soon found herself heading down.
“You didn’t answer my question.” She saw no point in wasting any time.
Rising from where he had been sitting, Loki moved towards her and smirked. “You were the one that quite literally ran, not me.” His green eyes swept over her, she must have just woken up, her hair was tangled and her clothing had certainly seen smoother days.
Taking a step closer, Y/N sighed heavily.
“What is it?” His gentle tone drew her eyes to his.
“I lied to my Dad, twice.” Saying it seemed to lift a certain weight from her chest.
“Why?”
“That’s just it,” her e/c eyes were sad and tired. “I don’t know.”
“What was it about?”
Biting her lip, Y/N looked down at her book. “My Dad doesn’t know I’m down here. He’s asked me twice where I’ve been and twice I passed up on the truth.”
This made Loki curious. She had lied about being down here with him? Why would she do something like that? Yet, he couldn’t deny that it added a certain thrill to his situation. Why would she take risks for him when no one else did?
“Come now young one. You have managed to do something that only a few have managed to do.”
“Oh? And what might that be?”
“You snuck up on me. Before you even knew who I was.”
Y/N smiled and nodded, “yet you heard me.”
“This is really bothering you isn’t it?” Genuine concern laced his words and surprised even him. “Lying to your father?”
A short laugh escaped her. “We’ve only known each other a little less than a day and already it’s as if you can read my mind.”
“Some things don’t need a lot of time.”
It was something in the way he spoke those words that caught her attention and made her heart skip a beat.
~ ~ ~
“You may want to keep a closer eye on your daughter Tony,” Bruce remarked as he returned to the lab he shared with the former.
“How’d you mean?”
“Oh,” Bruce stopped by one of the computers and began entering data. “It’s just that on my way here, I saw her head down to the detention level where he is.”
This was enough for Tony. Practically leaping up from his workstation, he bolted from the lab.
After many twists and turns, the sound of voices floated out to him. One distinctly female.
“Maybe I should just tell him, you know.”
“Now where would be the fun in that?” The voice that answered was male and sent unpleasant shivers down Tony’s spine.
“You wouldn’t say that if you knew my father.”
“Something tells me you haven’t done this before.”
Tony heard Y/N laugh in response. “What? Lie? I’m proud to say that I have never done it before. I have never had cause to.”
“And suddenly you do?”
There was a pause before Y/N answered, so softly that Tony had to strain to hear. “I think so.”
Before her companion could answer, Tony stepped from the shadows and into the passageway.
~ ~ ~
“You,” Loki hissed as he spotted the newcomer.
Y/N, confused as to his sudden change in behaviour turned to face whoever it was. Her eyes widened and she felt all the blood drain from her face.
“Stay away from her,” Tony spoke as he moved closer.
“Dad, please-” Y/N stepped between them.
“He’s your father?” The words were whispered but held a dangerous amount of venom.
Turning her back on her father, Y/N swallowed as she met Loki’s hard emerald gaze. “Yes.”
“LIAR.”
Y/N recoiled almost instantly. Any kindness had vanished from the eyes that now glared down at her. “You lied to me. You said you never lied but you have. You are just like the rest of them. Weak, and useless.”
Shaking her head, Y/N fought back tears. “You don’t mean that.”
“Oh but I do,” a nasty grin contorted his features. “I mean every word.” It was with those words that he saw fear enter her eyes.
Y/N turned and ran, away from him and away from her father. For the first time in her life, she was truly afraid of someone. His ability to switch from genuine to threatening scared her.
She headed straight for her quarters and hurled herself into bed and cried until no tears came and sleep took over.
~ ~ ~
It was strangely satisfying watching his brother fall from view in the glass cell that he had occupied only minutes before.
Feeling rather pleased with himself, Loki turned to leave, when a sudden blast from his right sent him flying into the opposite wall.
Dazed and disorientated, he shook his head to clear it and slowly made his away out of the hole he had created, not sure if he had any significant injuries. Walking past the now-dead agent who was responsible for the previous blast, Loki started running in the direction of the nearest exit when a strange thought entered his mind, causing him to skid to a stop and change direction.
~ ~ ~
Y/N was woken by a soft knocking on her door. “I’m coming,” her voice was heavy with sleep. Getting up, she padded to the door and opened it only to retreat again.
“Y/N,” the way he said her name almost made her forget his previous words.
Shaking her head, she retreated as far as she could.
Loki used to believe that fear was a good thing, but as he saw it in her eyes, he knew he had never been more wrong. Gone was the sparkle he had grown used to, gone was the warm smile he was always greeted with.
“Y/N?”
“Don’t, please,” her voice was soft and she seemed to be cowering, as though he would lash out again.
“You’re finally afraid of me?”
Y/N nodded and looked down.
He should have been happy. But no such feeling came. “I was wrong.”
Those three words made her look up, “about what?”
“You’re not like the others of your kind.”
Y/N narrowed her eyes, what exactly was he playing at? “Loki, don’t say anything you don’t mean.”
“You said earlier that I never answered your question.”
“Don’t.” She sounded as though she was afraid of the answer.
“I had no answer at the time.”
“But you do now?”
The Silvertongued Prince nodded. “Yes.”
“Well,” Y/N wrapped her arms around herself, “what is it?”
“You.”
Blinking, she stared at him. “What are you playing at? Why do you mock me so?”
“I do not mock you,” taking a deep breath, Loki edged closer, the scepter hanging forgotten in his hand. “You are the first being in this entire realm to look at me with something other than fear and loathing. You were the first to speak to me without fear or prejudice holding you back. You are braver than that whole team put together.”
Y/N had no idea what to say, she simply stood there and stared. “You really mean that?” She was relieved to find her voice again.
He moved closer until he was less than an arm’s length away. “I have never meant anything more in my entire life.”
“Loki-”
“Hush,” he whispered as he gently lifted her chin and pressed his lips to hers in a chaste kiss.
It took Y/N by surprise but she would have been lying to herself if she said she didn’t want it.
The two broke apart when their lungs demanded air.
“You had better go before they find you in here,” her e/c eyes sparkled mischievously and she grinned.
“Come with me,” he whispered but she shook her head.
“You know I can’t. My father would be furious.”
“I could deal with your father.”
“You will do no such thing,” she laughed and nudged him in the direction of the door. “Now go before they catch you.”
Turning to face her, he gently kissed her a second time and rested his forehead against hers. “Farewell then,” he moved to look her in the eye, “my Queen.”
“Farewell,” Y/N fought against the tears that threatened to fall, “my King.”
“I will return for you, I promise.”
Y/N smiled, never in her life had she believed someone more.
Part 2
#marvel#avengers#iron man#tony stark#thor#loki#reader insert#captain america#steve rogers#natasha romanoff#black widow#hawkeye#clint barton#shield#bruce banner#hulk#father & daughter#family#love#loki x reader#beau taplin
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15. Pressure
It was spring break in Forks again. When I woke up on Monday morning, I lay in bed for a few seconds absorbing that. Last spring break, I’d been hunted by a vampire, too. I hoped this wasn’t some kind of tradition forming.
Already I was falling into the pattern of things in La Push. I’d spent Sunday mostly on the beach, while Charlie hung out with Billy at the Blacks’ house. I was supposed to be with Jacob, but Jacob had other things to do, so I wandered alone, keeping the secret from Charlie.
When Jacob dropped in to check on me, he apologized for ditching me so much. He told me his schedule wasn’t always this crazy, but until Victoria was stopped, the wolves were on red alert.
When we walked along the beach now, we always held hands.
This made me think about what Jared had said, about Jacob involving his “boyfriend.” I supposed that was exactly what it looked like from the outside. Yet, the truth was I didn’t know what Jacob and I were. We were friends—best friends. I trusted him implicitly, and I adored Jacob. He meant so much to me, he had been so important in my healing process, and he accepted me for who I was—broken heart, and all. Did I mind that we looked like a couple from the outside? Even if it wasn’t really true? I knew Jacob would have loved for things to be what they appeared. Either way, his hand felt nice as it warmed mine, and I didn’t protest.
I worked Tuesday afternoon—Jacob followed me on his bike to make sure I arrived safely—and Mike noticed.
“Are you dating that kid from La Push?” He asked, poorly disguising the resentment in his tone.
I shrugged. “Not in the technical sense of the word, I guess. I do spend most of my time with Jacob, though. He’s my best friend.”
Mike’s eyes narrowed shrewdly. “Don’t kid yourself, Beau. The guy’s head over heels for you.”
“I know,” I sighed. “Life is complicated.”
“And life is cruel,” Mike said under his breath.
I supposed that was an easy assumption to make, too.
That night, Sam and Emily joined Charlie and me for dessert at Billy’s house. Emily brought a cake that would have won over a harder man than Charlie. I could see, as the conversation flowed naturally through a range of casual subjects, that any worries Charlie might have harbored about gangs in La Push were being dissolved.
Jake and I skipped out early, to get some privacy. We went out to his garage and sat in the Rabbit. Jacob leaned his head back, his face drawn with exhaustion.
“You need some sleep, Jake.” I ran my hand through his hair.
“I’ll get around to it.”
He reached up and took my hand in his. His skin was blazing on mine.
“Is that one of those wolf things?” I asked him. “The heat, I mean.”
“Yeah. We run a little warmer than the normal people. About one-oh-eight, one-oh-nine. I never get cold anymore. I could stand like this��—he gestured to his bare torso—“in a snowstorm and it wouldn’t bother me. The flakes would turn to rain where I stood.”
“And you all heal fast—that’s a wolf thing, too?”
“Yeah, wanna see? It’s pretty cool.” His eyes flipped open and he grinned. He reached around me to the glove compartment and dug around for a minute. His hand came out with a pocketknife.
“No, I do not want to see!” I practically shouted as soon as I realized what he was thinking. “Put that away!”
Jacob chuckled, but shoved the knife back where it belonged. “Fine. It’s a good thing we heal, though. You can’t go see just any doctor when you’re running a temperature that should mean you’re dead.”
“No, I guess not.” I thought about that for a minute. “…And being so big—that’s part of it? Is that why you’re all worried about Quil?”
“That and the fact that Quil’s grandfather says the kid could fry an egg on his forehead.” Jacob’s face turned hopeless. “It won’t be long now. There’s no exact age… it just builds and builds and then suddenly—“ He broke off, and it was a moment before he could speak again. “Sometimes, if you get really upset or something, that can trigger it early. But I wasn’t upset about anything—I was happy.” He laughed bitterly. “Because of you, mostly. That’s why it didn’t happen to me sooner. Instead it just kept on building inside of me—I was like a time bomb. You know what set me off? I got back from that movie and Billy said I looked weird. That was all, but I just snapped. And then I—I exploded. I almost ripped his face off—my own father!” He shuddered, and his face paled.
“Is it really bad, Jake?” I asked anxiously, wishing I had some way to help him. “Are you miserable?”
“No, I’m not miserable,” he told me. “Not anymore. Not now that you know. That was hard, before.” He leaned over so that his cheek was resting on top of my head. I instinctively moved into his chest, wrapping my arms around his waist.
He was quiet for a moment, and just held me gently. I wondered what he was thinking about.
“What’s the hardest part?” I whispered, still wishing I could help.
“The hardest part is feeling… out of control,” he said slowly. “Feeling like I can’t be sure of myself—like maybe you shouldn’t be around me, like maybe nobody should. Like I’m a monster who might hurt somebody. You’ve seen Emily. Sam lost control of his temper for just one second… and she was standing too close. And now there’s nothing he can ever do to put it right again. I hear his thoughts—I know what that feels like…
“Who wants to be a nightmare, a monster?
“And then, the way it comes so easily to me, the way I’m better at it than the rest of them—does that make me even less human than Embry or Sam?”
“No, it makes you more awesome.” I tried to smile, but it was hard.
I still felt a soft chuckle rumble in his chest. “Thanks, Beau.” He sighed deeply after a moment. “Sometimes I’m afraid that I’m losing myself.”
“Is it hard? To find yourself again?”
“At first,” he said. “It takes some practice to phase back and forth. But it’s easier for me.”
“Why?” I wondered.
“Because Ephraim Black was my father’s grandfather, and Quil Ateara was my mother’s grandfather.”
“Quil?” I asked in confusion.
“His great-grandfather,” Jacob clarified. “The Quil you know is my second cousin.”
“But why does it matter who your great-grandfathers are?”
“Because Ephraim and Quil were in the last pack. Levi Uley was the third. It’s in my blood on both sides. I never had a chance. Like Quil doesn’t have a chance.”
His expression was bleak.
“What’s the very best part?” I asked, hoping to cheer him up.
“The best part,” he said, suddenly smiling again, “is the speed.”
“Better than our motorcycles?”
He nodded, enthusiastic. “There’s no comparison.”
“How fast can you…?”
“Run?” he finished my question. “Fast enough. What can I measure it by? We caught… what was his name? Laurent? I imagine that means more to you than it would to someone else.”
It did mean something to me. I couldn’t imagine that—the wolves running faster than a vampire. When the Cullens ran, they all but turned invisible with speed.
“So, tell me something I don’t know,” he said. “Something about vampires. How did you stand it, being around them? Didn’t it creep you out?”
“No,” I leaned back to look at his face, “I guess it didn’t.”
Something about my tone made him thoughtful for a moment. He took my hand in his again.
“Say, why’d your bloodsucker kill that James, anyway?” he asked suddenly.
“James was trying to kill me—it was like a game for him. He lost. Do you remember last spring when I was in the hospital down in Phoenix?”
Jacob sucked in a breath. “He got that close?”
“He got very, very close.” I stroked my scar. Jacob noticed, because he held the hand I moved.
“What’s that?” He traded hands, examining my right. “This is your funny scar, the cold one.” He looked at it closer, with new eyes, and gasped.
“Yes, it’s what you think it is,” I said. “James bit me.”
His eyes bulged, and his face turned a strange, sallow color under the russet surface. He looked like he was about to be sick.
“But if he bit you…? Shouldn’t you be…?” He choked.
“Edward saved me twice,” I whispered. “He sucked the venom out—you know, like with a rattlesnake.” I twitched as the pain lashed around the edges of the hole.
But I wasn’t the only one twitching. I could feel Jacob’s whole body trembling next to mine. Even the car shook.
“Careful, Jake. Easy.” I put my hands on either side of his face. “Calm down, ok?”
“Yeah,” he panted. “Calm.” He looked straight into my eyes and took a few deep breaths. After a moment, only his hands were shaking.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, almost. Tell me something else. Give me something else to think about.”
“What do you want to know?”
“I don’t know.” He had his eyes closed now, concentrating. “The extra stuff I guess. Did any of the other Cullens have… extra talents? Like the mind reading?”
I hesitated a second. This felt like a question he would ask of his spy, not his friend. But what was the point of hiding what I knew? It didn’t matter now, and it would help him control himself.
“Jaspar could… sort of control the emotions or the people around him. Not in a bad way, just to calm someone down, that kind of thing. It would probably help Paul a lot,” I added, teasing gently. “And then Alice could see things that were going to happen. The future, you know, but not absolutely. The things she saw would change when someone changed the path they were on….”
Like how she’d seen my dying… and she’d seen me becoming one of them. Two things that had not happened. It almost seemed like so long ago now, being here with Jacob, it almost seemed like a whole different life. Almost, but not quite. For all the progress I had made, a part of me still ached if I thought too deeply about my old life with Edward and his family. A part of me—my heart, probably—was still cracked, still a little broken. The breaks hadn’t been enough to shatter me, but enough to still make me hurt.
“You’re sad.” Jacob’s hand reached up and stroked my cheek.
“How can you tell?” I asked, somewhat surprised. I thought I was keeping my emotions in check, at least outwardly.
“I can always tell with you,” He wrapped his big arms around me. “I know you, Beau.” He pulled me closer to him. “What’s wrong?”
“It’s hard to think about them too much,” I confessed. “It hurts. It’s like… It’s like tapping on a bone that hasn’t completely healed after a break… does that make sense?” It was surprising how much I could tell Jacob now. We had no more secrets.
He smoothed my hair. “It’s okay, Beau, it’s okay. I won’t bring it up again. I’m sorry.”
“I’m fine.” I breathed. “It happens. I’m just trying to heal, I guess.” I relaxed into his arms. “But sometimes I worry that if I have one more break… That I’ll just fall apart.”
“We’re a pretty messed-up pair, aren’t we?” Jacob said. “Neither one of us can hold our shape together right.”
“Messed up, that’s us,” I agreed.
“At least we have each other,” he said, clearly comforted by the thought.
I was comforted, too. “At least there’s that,” I smiled a little.
And when we were together, it was fine. But Jacob had a horrible, dangerous job he felt compelled to do, and so I was often alone, stuck in La Push for safety, with nothing to do to keep my mind off any worries.
I thought about inviting Jessica or Angela to come spend time with me on the beach, but the thought of putting them in danger made me feel sick to my stomach. A phone call was all I could bring myself to do. I pulled out my phone and sent Jessica a text.
Hey, you up for a phone call? –Beau
I waited for her response, sitting on the porch of Billy’s house. I felt awkward taking up space inside, and Billy wasn’t one for much conversation so I preferred spending time outside. I didn’t feel like sitting in the long, awkward silence with him.
My phone rang suddenly. The sound of it startled me—I wasn’t use to it going off much these days.
“Hello?” I answered.
“Beauregard Swan,” Jessica’s voice sounded vaguely annoyed. “long time.”
“Yeah,” I sighed. “I’m sorry, Jess.”
“Oh, shut up,” I could hear her smirk over the phone. “I’m teasing you. To be honest, I was getting worried about you. If I didn’t know for a fact that you were spending time with your friend, Jacob, I would have been seriously worried!”
“Jacob’s been great.” I admitted. “He’s kept me… above water, I guess.”
“I’m glad, Beau.” She sounded genuine.
“But, that’s not really an excuse for not talking to you much lately.”
“Oh, Beau,” she sighed, “I mean, I totally appreciate that—like, it’s really sweet of you to say…” She paused. “But I still see you at school, and a few texts here and there. I’m good, Beau. Don’t worry about it!”
“Thank you, Jess,” I felt a bit of a lump in my throat. “I mean it.”
“If you’re doing good, if you’re still doing okay then that’s all that really matters. I know it’s been hard.”
“Yeah, it has.” I sighed.
“But Jacob’s been helping?”
“So much.” I smiled, thinking about him.
“Oh, yeah?” I could hear the amusement in her voice. “That’s very nice to hear.”
“Knock it off, Stanley.” I smirked.
“Come on, Swan,” she laughed. “You’ve been spending all your time with him, and I can hear it in your voice when you talk about him.”
“What in my voice?”
She laughed. “Tell me when you figure it out, and we can talk about it then.”
I was confused, I wasn’t sure what she meant. Did my voice change that much when I talked about Jacob? Was it so noticeable?
Jessica and I talked for about an hour. She gracefully changed the subject from me and Jacob to the various gossip going around at school, catching me up on everything I had missed. Angela and Ben had gone on a few dates, Lauren and Tyler. Logan was as awful as ever. It all felt so mundane, so everyday… so normal.
After we said our goodbyes and I hung up the phone, I was immediately overwhelmed by the feeling of loneliness. I promised myself I would spend more time with Jessica, Angela and all my friends at school when everything was sorted out.
I tried hanging out at Emily’s place Wednesday afternoon, for a change. It was kind of kind of nice. Emily was a cheerful person who never sat still. I drifted behind her while she flitted around her little house and yard, scrubbing at the spotless floor, pulling a tiny weed, fixing a broken hinge, tugging a string of wool through an ancient loom, and always cooking, too. She complained lightly about the increase in the boys’ appetites from all their extra running, but it was easy to see she didn’t mind taking care of them.
“It’s nice,” she said suddenly. “Having someone who worries as much as I do.”
“Yeah,” I said quietly. “I feel like they don’t worry enough.”
“They don’t.” She shrugged. “But that’s boys for you, I suppose.”
“I know they’re confident, but still…”
“You don’t need to tell me,” she sighed. “But that’s what I signed up for, I suppose.”
“Yeah,” I nodded solemnly. “Me too.”
“Did you?”
I was surprised by her question.
When I didn’t speak, she continued, her face solemn. “Yes, you’re here. But is this a life you could commit to?” her scarred hand twitched slightly and I was unsure if it was a conscious movement or not. “It’s a lot of worrying, and a lot of danger.”
I thought about her question for a long minute. “I’d be a hypocrite if I said the danger was a deal breaker, wouldn’t I?”
I could see the hint of a smile on the un-scarred corner of her mouth.
“I guess we’re both part of the pack, in our own ways.” I shrugged.
“You’re an interesting person, Beau.” Emily smiled at me, and I smiled back.
Sam showed up then to check in. I only stayed long enough to hear if Jacob was fine and if there was any news, and then I excused myself. I wanted to give them a moment alone. I knew that every brief moment they had was precious, and they didn’t need me hanging around.
I decided to go wander the beach, pacing the length of the rocky crescent back and forth, again and again.
Alone time wasn’t good for me. Thanks to the new honesty with Jacob, I’d been talking and thinking about the Cullens way too much and it was still—still, even after all this time—too soon to give them that. No matter how I tried to distract myself—and I had plenty to think of: I was honestly and desperately worried about Jacob and his wolf-brothers, I was terrified for Charlie and the others who thought they were hunting animals, I was getting in deeper and deeper with Jacob without ever having consciously decided to progress in that direction—none of these very real, very deserving of thought, very pressing concerns could take my mind entirely off the pain I felt in my heart and I hated it. I wondered if maybe almost losing Jacob before we had made up had set me back. Maybe in my panic of losing him I had let myself slip back into old habits and old heartbreaks. I was beyond frustrated with myself, beyond angry with my heart. I sat down on a patch of semidry rocks and hugged my knees close to my chest.
Jacob found me like that, and I could tell from his expression that he knew how upset I was.
“Sorry,” he said right away. He pulled me up from the ground and wrapped both arms around my shoulders. I hadn’t realized how cold I was until then. His warmth made me shudder, but I was grateful for it.
“I’m ruining your spring break,” Jacob accused himself as we walked back up the beach.
“No, you’re not. I didn’t have any plans. I don’t think I like spring breaks, anyway.”
“I’ll take tomorrow morning off. The others can run without me. We’ll do something fun.”
The word seemed almost out of place in my life right now. “Fun?”
“Fun is exactly what you need. Hmm…” he gazed out across the heaving gray waves, deliberating. As his eyes scanned the horizon, he had a flash of inspiration.
“Got it!” he crowed. “Another promise to keep.”
“What are you talking about?”
He let go of my hand and pointed toward the southern edge of the beach, where the flat, rocky half-moon dead-ended against the sheer sea cliffs. I stared, uncomprehending.
“Didn’t I promised to take you cliff diving?”
I shivered.
“Yeah, it’ll be pretty cold—not as cold as it is today. Can you feel the weather changing? The pressure? It will be warmer tomorrow. You up for it?”
The dark water did not look inviting, and, from this angle, the cliffs looked even higher than before.
But a small part of me was thrilled by the idea. The idea that, for as helpless and not in control of my life as I felt, I could grapple it all head on; I could be brave, and adventurous. I could step outside of my normal limitations of comfort and do something so insane as hurl myself from a cliff into the dark waters below. Why not do it? I had wanted to once and I was tired of being afraid all the time. I wanted to be brave.
“Okay, sure. I’m up for it.”
“It’s a date,” Jake smiled, and draped his arm around my shoulders.
“A date,” I repeated. “Now, let’s go get you some sleep.” I didn’t like the way the circles under his eyes were beginning to look permanently etched into his skin.
I woke early the next morning and snuck a change of clothes out to the truck. I had a feeling that Charlie would approve of today’s plan just about as much as he would approve of the motorcycle.
The idea of a distraction from all my worries had me almost excited. Maybe it would be fun. A date with Jacob. I felt the strangest sense of excitement in the pit of my stomach; a thrill, almost. I realized I was looking forward to the idea of a date with Jacob. As soon as I named the emotion as excitement, I felt a strange twinge of guilt. Guilt for my excitement, guilt because I was willing to acknowledge our day together as an actual date. I couldn’t understand why I felt that way. I was unattached to anyone, I had every right to go on a date with a boy. So why did I suddenly now feel like it was a breach in trust? A horrible thing? Jake could say what he wanted about us being a messed-up pair—I was the one who was truly messed up. I made the werewolf seem downright normal.
I expected Jacob to meet me out front, the way he usually did when my noisy truck announced my arrival. When he didn’t, I guessed that he might still be sleeping. I would wait—let him get as much rest as he could. He needed his sleep, and that would give the day time to warm a bit more. Jake had been right about the weather, though; it had changed in the night. A thick layer of clouds pressed heavily on the atmosphere now, making it almost sultry; it was warm and close under the gray blanket. I left my sweater in the truck.
I knocked quietly on the door.
“C’mon in, Beau,” Billy said.
He was at the kitchen table, eating cold cereal.
“Jake sleeping?”
“Er, no.” He set his spoon down, and his eyebrows pulled together.
“What happened?” I felt my stomach drop. I could tell from his expression that something had happened.
“Embry, Jared, and Paul crossed a fresh trail early this morning. Sam and Jake took off to help. Sam was hopeful—the redhead’s hedged himself in beside the mountains. Sam thinks they have a good chance to finish this.”
“Oh, no, Billy,” I whispered. “Oh, no.”
He chuckled, deep and low. “Do you really like La Push so well that you want to extend your sentence here?”
“Don’t make jokes, Billy. This is too scary for that.”
“You’re right,” he agreed, still complacent. His ancient eyes were impossible to read. “This one’s tricky.”
I bit my lip.
“It’s not as dangerous for them as you think it is. Sam knows what he’s doing. You’re the one that you should worry about. The vampire doesn’t want to fight them. He’s just trying to find a way around them… to you.”
“How does Sam know what he’s doing?” I demanded, brushing aside his concern for me. “They’ve only killed just the one vampire—that could have been luck.”
“We take what we do very seriously, Beau. Nothing’s been forgotten. Everything they need to know has been passed down from father to son for generations.”
That didn’t comfort me the way he had intended it to. The memory of Victor, wild catlike, lethal, was too strong in my head. If he couldn’t get around the wolves, he would eventually try to go through them. I felt the panic rising in my chest.
Billy went back to his breakfast; I sat down on the sofa and flipped aimlessly through the TV channels. That didn’t last long. I tried to steady my breathing, but the small room was making me feel claustrophobic. I needed to see the outside.
“I’ll be at the beach,” I told Billy abruptly, and hurried out the door.
Being outside didn’t help as much as I’d hoped. The clouds pushing down with an invisible weight that kept the claustrophobia from easing. The forest seemed strangely vacant as I walked toward the beach. I didn’t see any animals—no birds, no squirrels. I couldn’t hear any birds, either. The silence was eerie; there wasn’t even the sound of wind in the trees.
I knew it was all just a product of the weather, but it still added to the threat of a rising panic attack. The heavy, warm pressure of the atmosphere was perceptible even to my average human sense, and it hinted at something major in the storm department. A glance at the sky backed this up; the clouds were churning sluggishly despite the lack of breeze on the ground. The closest grounds were a smoky gray, but between the cracks I could see another layer that was a gruesome purple color. The skies had a ferocious plan in store for today. The animals must be bunkering down.
As soon as I reached the beach, I wished I hadn’t come—I’d already had enough of this place. I’d been here almost every day, wandering alone. Was it so much different from my nightmares? But where else to go? I trudged down to the driftwood tree, and sat at the end so that I could lean against the tangled roots. I stared up at the angry sky, fighting my uneven breaths. I waited for the first drops to break the unbearable stillness.
I tried not to think about the danger Jacob and his friends were in. Because nothing could happen to Jacob. The thought was unendurable. I’d lost too much already—would fate take one of the best things to happen to me since having my heart broken? That seemed unfair, out of balance. But maybe I’d violated some unknown rule, crossed some line that had condemned me. I was reminded of the guilt I felt that morning. Maybe this was my punishment. Maybe it was wrong to be so involved with myths and legends. Maybe…
No. Nothing would happen to Jacob. I had to believe that or I wouldn’t be able to function.
“Argh!” I groaned, and jumped off the log. I couldn’t sit still; it was worse pacing.
Why today did my heart decide to remind me of those cracks? The breaks that hadn’t fully healed. Was it because I dared to be try and truly be happy again? Was it because I was at risk of completely moving on? Jacob wasn’t here to take my mind off the cracks, and they ached with every breath.
The waves picked up as I paced, beginning to crash against the rocks, but there was still no wind. I felt pinned down by the pressure of the storm. Everything swirled around me, but it was perfectly still where I stood. The air had a faint electric charge—I could feel the static in my hair.
Farther out, the waves were angrier than they were along the shore. I could see them battering against the line of the cliffs, spraying big white clouds of sea foam into the sky. There was still no movement in the air, though the clouds roiled more quickly now. It was eerie looking—like the clouds were moving by their own will. I shivered, though I knew it was just a trick of the pressure.
The cliffs were a black knife edge against the livid sky. Staring at them, I remembered the day Jacob had told me about Sam and his “gang.” I thought of the boys—the werewolves—throwing themselves into the empty air. The image of the falling, spiraling figures was still vivid in my mind. I imagined the utter freedom of the fall… What I wouldn’t give feel that freedom, to be so carefree, to not feel the mounting panic in my chest.
There had to be some way to calm myself. Some way to free myself of this pain. It was growing more and more intolerable by the second. I glared at the cliffs and the crashing waves.
Before I realized it, I was sprinting back along the beach to my truck.
Jacob had promised me cliff diving. He had promised me a date. I so desperately needed that distraction—needed it even worse because Jacob was out risking his life for me. If it weren’t for me, Victor would not be killing people here. The wolves would not be running. Jacob would be safe. If anything happened to Jacob, it would be my fault. That realization stabbed deep. The cracks in my heart flared anew. The panic was nearly unavoidable.
I was in my truck, driving as fast as it could handle. I wasn’t even sure where I was going. I couldn’t do this again. I couldn’t have another breakdown. The storm was moving in quickly now. How fitting it was. The brewing storm seemed to match the storm inside of my body. Churning, building, and threatening to explode. I shouldn’t have been driving. I was in no state. I slammed the breaks and skidded to a stop just off the road. I collapsed into the steering wheel. My breathing erratic.
When I looked up, I realized I had driven to the cliffs. I felt an irresistible pull. What was I doing? I sighed—or, rather, tried to sigh; it came out more of a whimper. I would wait here at the cliffs for Jacob. That’s what I would do. I pulled my phone out of my pocket to call Billy and leave a message for Jake. I was having a hard time focusing. The world was starting to minutely shift before my eyes. I was dizzy, and I needed to get out of my truck.
The wind was finally beginning to touch me, the clouds pressing closer to the ground. I realized I was trudging along the path towards the cliff’s edge. Jacob would find me here, and everything would be fine. I had called Billy, hadn’t I? I couldn’t remember but my phone wasn’t in my pocket anymore. Just as I reached the place where the dirt path fanned out into the stone precipice, the first drops broke through and splattered on my face.
Why now? Had I been pushing down all these emotions? This panic? Maybe Victor’s dangerous proximity had triggered this. The thoughts flew through my head at dangerous speeds. I thought of my friends, my poor friends who had been so patient. Especially Jessica and Angela. I thought of the pack, out running to protect everyone and putting themselves in danger. I thought of Charlie who was so worried about me since my last breakdown, Charlie who cared so much about me. I thought of Jacob. Sweet, warm, wonderful Jacob who was out running with his brothers to protect me. Risking his life, running on no sleep. Yes, it was his duty as a member of the pack but I knew the truth, he was running for me. The panic was verging on hysteria now.
And all this, all this danger, was all because of the Cullens. If they had never come to Forks, then maybe the La Push boys wouldn’t have become a part of the pack. They could all be normal boys, chasing girls, going to school, whatever it was they had wanted before their lives were decided for them. Poor Sam would be happy with sweet Emily and she wouldn’t wear the scars of his momentary failure. Maybe I would have learned to be content with Forks and my friends at school on my own. Charlie wouldn’t have had to go through the heartbreak of nearly losing me in Phoenix or watch me fall apart.
The wind blew stronger now, whipping the rain into eddies around me.
And there it was. If I had never met Edward Cullen maybe, just maybe, I would have had a normal life. Maybe I wouldn’t have had my heart broken. Or, at least, not broken so very severely. How could I have been so foolish as to let him have so much power over me? How could I have let him break me so completely? It destroyed me, even now after all this time, that he could do that to me. I dared to think that maybe—if things had been different—I would have ended up with some sweet, kind, normal boy.
I had wandered close to the edge of the cliff now; my eyes had been locked on the horizon but now I glanced down at the empty space in front of me. My toes were barely caressing the edge of the rocks. I thought of the freedom I had been so excited for this morning. The careless joy of diving from the cliffs with Jacob.
Jacob. Maybe I could have been happy with… I drew in a deep breath and held it.
“Beau.”
My eyes flew open and I stumbled back away from the cliff edge. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Everything came crashing back to reality. The panic subsided, my breathing became more regular.
No. I didn’t answer out loud. I couldn’t acknowledge that voice. That horrible, torturing illusion of a voice. He sounded so real, so close. Every memory I had tried so hard to let go of his voice—the velvet texture and the musical intonations—came flooding to the surface.
“Beau, stay back from the edge,” he pleaded.
Why? I asked the voice. Why can’t I be careless? Why can’t I be free of you?
“Please, Beau.”
No, he didn’t get to tell me what to do anymore. He didn’t get to hold such power over me—not anymore. I was going to be free of him. I would be free of Edward Cullen. I looked back at the cliff edge. Freedom, carelessness.
“Don’t do this,” the voice pleaded.
Why not? I need to be done with this. I mentally sighed in response.
“Please. For me.”
Edward didn’t get to ask anything of me. Not even the memory of him. Especially not the memory of him.
I took a defiant step toward the cliff. I had to be crazy, but I couldn’t help but think that taking that dive represented something. Represented me letting go of everything. It represented me being truly, unabashedly brave.
“No, Beau!” his voice was angry now, a tinge of desperation in the tone.
“You wanted me to be human,” I reminded him. “Well, watch me.”
I would be brave and I would be free. I would be free of the fear, I would be free of the anxiety, but most of all—and most importantly—I would be free of Edward Cullen.
I took a deep breath.
And I flung myself off the cliff.
I let out a loud cry of shock as the exhilaration of what I was doing rushed through me. The wind resisted, trying vainly to fight the unconquerable gravity, pushing against me and twirling me in spirals like a rocket crashing to the earth.
Yes! The word echoed through my head as I sliced through the surface of the water. It was icy, colder than I’d feared, and yet the chill only added to my high.
I was proud of myself as I plunged deeper into the freezing black water. I hadn’t had one moment of terror—just pure adrenaline. Really, the fall wasn’t scary at all. It was cleansing.
I surfaced and gasped in air. I looked up at the cliff that, only moments before, I had been on top of. It was taller than I had thought. I felt a bit of guilt then; it had been stupid of me to jump from so high. I was so wrapped up in my head that I hadn’t even realized it.
I only had the briefest of moments to consider the dangers of such a high jump before I was suddenly back under the dark water. A wave had crashed into me with all the force and anger of the storm.
And then the current caught me.
I’d been so preoccupied by my thoughts, my anxiety, that I hadn’t even considered the danger of the dark water waiting below.
It felt like the waves were fighting over me, jerking me back and forth between them as if determined to share by pulling me into halves. I knew the right way to avoid a riptide: swim parallel to the beach rather than struggling for the shore. But the knowledge did me little good when I didn’t know which way the shore was.
I couldn’t even tell which way the surface was.
The angry water was black in every direction; there was no brightness to direct me upward. Gravity was all-powerful when it competed with the air, but it had nothing on the waves—I couldn’t feel a downward pull, a sinking in any direction. Just the battering of the current that flung me round and round like a rag doll.
I fought to keep my breath in, to keep my lips locked around my last store of oxygen.
It didn’t help that my delusion of Edward was there. Of course, he would be there, if I was dying. Ironic, almost, since that was whole reason he left me. I was surprised by how sure that knowledge was. I was going to drown. I was drowning.
“Keep swimming!” Edward begged urgently in my head.
This was cruel. Did I really, deep down, hate myself so much that I’d conjure some phantom version of Edward to feign care for me in my last moments?
“Stop that!” he ordered. “Don’t you dare give up!”
The cold of the water was numbing my arms and legs. I didn’t feel the buffeting so much as before. It was more of just a dizziness now, a helpless spinning in the water.
But I wouldn’t die here, not like this. I forced my arms to continue reaching, my legs to kick harder, though every second I was facing a new direction. It couldn’t be doing any good.
“Fight!” he yelled. ��Damn it, Beau, keep fighting.”
I’m trying, dammit. Just leave me alone.
I felt myself fading. I couldn’t fight much longer. How stupid was I? How could I have been so selfish. I’d survived a vampire attack—vampire venom! Now I was going to drown because I had to prove something to myself. Idiot.
I thought briefly of the clich��s, about how you were supposed to see your life flash before your eyes. It was so much more heartbreaking than that.
I saw everyone I loved. I saw Jessica and Angela, my sweet friends. I saw my mom, crying over me. Charlie, broken and destroyed by this. I saw Jacob—my Jacob—sweet, laughing, holding his hand out to me.
I saw him, and I knew it was the end. It was so clear, so much more defined than any memory. My subconscious had stored Edward away in exact detail. A mental representation of everything I hadn’t let go of. I could see his handsome face as if he were really there; the exact shade of his icy skin, the shape of his lips, the line of his jaw, the gold glinting in his eyes.
“Beau…”
My ears flooded with the freezing water, but his voice was clearer than ever. If nothing else, in this final moment, I would let him go. I would truly be free of him and make my peace with everything that had happened. Even as my lungs burned for more air and my legs cramped in the icy cold, I felt a strange sense of ease.
The current won at that moment, shoving me abruptly against something hard, a rock, invisible in the gloom. It hit me solidly across the chest, slamming into me like an iron bar, and the breath whooshed out of my lungs, escaping in a thick cloud of silver bubbles. Water flooded down my throat, choking and burning. The iron bar seemed to be dragging me, pulling me down, deeper into the dark, ocean floor.
Goodbye, Edward, was my last thought.
#New Moon Revamped#Gay New Moon#Twilight Saga#Gay Twilight Saga#Beau Swan#Jacob Black#Edward Cullen#BeauxEdward#BeauxJacob#Twilight Revamped#Twilight Reimagined#Twilight: Life and Death#2.15
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Wedding: October 121, 2017
Ceremony: Northway Christian Community: Wexford, PA
Reception: Franzee’s Javy: Ambridge, PA
Hair: Style Lush Salon - Oakdale - Pamela Males
Makeup: Style Lush Salon - Oakdale - Pamela Males
Florist: The bride
Bakery: Walmart
Entertainment: MaryBeth Mazur (DJ) & Jack Cornelius (pianist at church)
Colors: Burgundy/wine, Navy, and gold
Honeymoon: 4 days in Miami and then did a western Caribbean cruise to Cayman Islands, Belize, Honduras, and Cozumel
“Weddings are a celebration of love, that which is found among family and friends” –Author Unknown
Sharon and Jacob are a couple that you just love and enjoy being around. They are young, fun, in love and amazing parents to Kaeleb. I was absolutely thrilled when Sharon called and booked a consultation to come in and talk about her wedding. This is not my first time meeting Sharon as I photographed her brother, Derek’s wedding and I have been photographing her sister, Cara’s family since her nephew Beau was born. The Ash family is awesome! They are fun, sweet and have an undying love for one another.
I’m going to start with the engagement session for this blog post, Sharon and Jacob met at a Pittsburgh Steelers football game so it was only fitting that we would start their engagement session there. They are an amazing couple and so fun to be around, but they also have two sides of themselves, as we all tend to, they are fun, energetic and full of life but they are also parents, that’s not to say they aren’t one in the same, but they are wonderful parents and their exceptional parenting skills are shown through Kaeleb’s behavior. He is such a sweet, kind, gentle young man, he was so sweet during our entire session and so well behaved. He stole the show a few times and loved every minute of it, but also stuck to me like glue when we needed him to and wanted to get some photos of just the two of them. He is absolutely adorable and remains to be my little buddy.
We started the day with pre-ceremony coverage of Sharon and the girls at the hotel, to say that Sharon is hilarious is an understatement. She is so fun, vibrant and full of life. She had everyone cracking up! From the moment that we walked into the room, Sharon’s mom, in true Cheryl fashion starting trying to feed us. Haha. She is so warm and inviting, she has raised three amazing kids and I am blessed and honored to have photographed all of them. Following pre-ceremony with Sharon we proceeded to Northway Christian Community to photograph the groom and groomsmen getting ready.
I couldn’t wait to get there and see Kaeleb in his little tux, he is just so handsome, composed of all the best parts of his Mom and Dad. We arrived and got some photographs of Jacob and the guys and Kaeleb and waiting for Jacob’s parents to arrive. I am honored to have met his grandmother, Sajida and his parents Karim and Tammi once they arrived; she is 89 years young and immigrated from Afghanistan in her 60s to the United States. I really think that we need to step back in our American culture and take notes every so often, because the honor and respect that the Afghan side of Jacob’s family showed towards this elder was a beautiful and humbling act to witness. The day was a celebration of the wedding of Jacob and Sharon but Jacob’s grandmother was a star of the show. I was raised to honor and respect my elders and it was so nice to see a family doing this, hugs, kisses, holding her hand, kneeling before her and talking to her, asking for photographs with her, all of it was something I noted and hope that my children will do one day.
The ceremony was perfect, fairly short and sweet with a flair that screamed Sharon and Jacob; there were laughing (Sharon and Jacob), crying (Cheryl and Tammi) and tradition (everyone).
Following the ceremony, we did family portraits at the altar and headed out to go to Sewickley to get some park shots, Sharon planned perfectly and accordingly so that we had plenty of time for photos. We did some of just the two of them as well as the entire bridal party. Sharon is such a trooper, climbing in places most brides wouldn’t dare, to get the perfect photo complete with their reflection in the water. Fall leaves and confetti photos rounded out this location and we proceeded to Old Economy in Ambridge to get some more photos.
At Old Economy, there was a couple of adorable little girls who came up to Sharon and told her how beautiful she looked and I have to agree, they handed her a flower which she instantly added to her bouquet as she hugged and thanked them. See Sharon has such a great personality and she is beautiful, people are just drawn to her, everyone, from all walks of life. It’s like her soon to be mother in law said at the pre-ceremony when she hugged her son, “she’s a good one” and she is, a truly good person.
Following the outdoor photos we made our way over to the reception at Franzee Javy’s in Ambridge and I’ll be honest, I haven’t been here for a wedding in many, many years. Upon entering the reception, Jacob’s family showered them with Noghl, which is a traditional Afghan confection; it is made by boiling sugar with water and rose water and then roasting almonds in the mixture. These are the kinds of things that make me love shooting Pittsburgh weddings, they are always different and we live in a pretty diverse area so you have so many amazing cultural mash ups that it’s so fun to see all the different traditions that take place. This leads me to the toasts and Jacob’s family throwing money at the couple, yet another Afghan tradition.
The evening was about to get started and we paused for a moment prior to events to get Jacob’s family together for a family portrait then sing Happy Birthday to Sharon’s Aunt followed immediately by first dance, father daughter and mother son dances. The DJ was super laid back and accommodating, Jacob’s family provided her with some traditional Afghan music which lead to an entirely filled dance floor with some very enthusiastic dancers! It was awesome! This of course means I get to capture some fantastic pictures! During the dancing I pulled some of my favorite people and snagged some photos of their individual families and couples, who just happen to be some of the VIPs of the evening as well. We ended the evening with Sharon dancing with her mom, Cheryl.
To say this wedding felt like home to me is an understatement, some of my best weddings are those of family members or friends who I have photographed before. I know Sharon’s family, there were no questions, I could have filled out her paperwork on my own, it brings a level of comfort, that’s not to say that I put down my guard, and it means I really have to be on top of my game! She knows exactly what she’s looking for, it’s me, my work, my creative mind, my personality and its 100% one of the biggest honors of my life to know that a bride didn’t even call another photographer because she knew what she wanted, she wanted me. The Ash family will always hold a very dear place in my heart, they are amazing people and I am blessed to be the one to capture all the best moments of their lives. I get to share in those moments with them, it’s such a gift.
It’s wedding days like Sharon and Jacob’s that remind me exactly why I fell in love with photography and specifically wedding photography. Wedding photography is my jam, I LOVE it! It is well with my soul. It calls to me. I get to see all the best parts of people, of families, of joy, of love, of hope for the future. I truly stumbled into photography, I had taken all the AP classes in high school, applied and was accepted into 4 schools, weighed my options on tuition, scholarships, etc. The summer of 1998, I went to have my senior portraits, I left there and said to my mom, “So…you can actually do this for a living???” with a panicked look on her face, she said “Well, some people can” by the time we got home, I planned on changing my major and applying to Art School, out of fear my Dad told my mom “Oh gosh, she’s going to be a starving artist!?!?!”. I did just that, applied to the Art Institute of Pittsburgh and would go in to pursue a degree in photography. Why this was a surprise to my parents, I’m not quite sure, since I was in the band (I was 1 of 2 female section leaders on the drum line) and had traveled to Disney World in Orlando, Florida for a trip to play in Magic Kingdom, when I returned I had spent nearly all of my spending money on film and returned with 30 rolls of film over the course of the trip. My mom wanted to kill me! LOL She said, “Do you have any idea of how much that costs to get developed??”. Ummmm I guess I didn’t think about that part. I did my prerequisites at the Community College of Beaver County and in 2000 followed up by attending The Art Institute of Pittsburgh, within three months of beginning my adventure there a new adventure was underway. I met a guy by the name of Jeremy, he was roommates with one of my dearest friends, the following Monday he found me in the library at school and in true “Pretty in Pink” fashion (Do you remember that scene where Blaine intercepts her work on the computer) he sat down next to me, asked me to go to lunch and the rest is history. My life changed, it was altered in a way I cannot express into words. He had something about him that I had never experienced before. He was sweet, calm, soft spoken, attentive and caring. Jeremy is now my husband of 11 years, but this coming February will be our 16th year together. Shortly after starting school and the summer following meeting Jeremy I had already photographed two weddings, I knew it was all going to be ok, I wasn’t going to be the starving artist my Dad feared.
The two greatest loves of my life are my family and photography. I can be having a bad day and look through that lens and see the love of a couple like Sharon and Jacob and all my misery, anxieties and annoyances disappear. I have the distinguished honor of stopping time, there is no other job on the planet that can accomplish that. I capture so many firsts, for so many people, I am completely and utterly thankful to the dear Lord everyday that I get to do what I love. How many people can say that? Watching the joy of a couple who have committed their lives to each other is truly a gift, capturing the first moments of their newborn child’s life is an honor, stopping time throughout their lives is a blessing.
This song sums up Sharon and Jacob, PERFECTly, all the puns intended!
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#Wedding#wedding photography#wedding photo#wedding blog#wedding wednesday#pittsburgh#pittsburgh pa#pittsburgh photographer#pittsburgh weddings#beaver#beaver county#pennsylvania#shop small#shop local#Generations Photography
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