REVENGE (2011–2015) 2.09 | revelations

I’m back! I was avoiding tumblr till i finished GO2.

Thank you Neil et al for helping me learn patience, lol. Lots of patience…

😳😳😳☹️😣💕😖💕

Need male reader smut asap pls maybe dubcon

hero hunter! garou x hero! male! reader x hero! stinger

notes: started rewatching opm with my lil' brother and got a cold, cold reminder of just how hot the characters are so y'know I had to write something...

warnings: dubcon, forced cuckolding, mlm, male reader, amab reader, garou is so mean and condescending, violence, mention of harming the reader, humiliation, public sex, degradation, alleys are dirty, quid pro quo. you're responsible for the shit you read so don't come and fuckin' bitch at me 'cause you're bein' stupid. this is meant for those who will enjoy readin' this, not you. move along.

STINGER never had a day off, but that was simply the life of a hero, especially during the recent rise of the monster association and monsters in general. The same thing went for you, never did you expect to be in the same profession as your future partner, but here you were. Despite your differences in ranking, you could care less, you weren't interested in the combat parts of hero work, you were a healer and restorer which proved to be useful in its own way. The hero association often called on you for healing other heroes, civilians, etc. You were also called for restoring destruction in the city, proving you to be quite a valuable being, but you never allowed yourself to do anything you didn't deem fair.

With the recent rise of the so-called 'hero hunter' you've been busier than ever, patrolling, restoring, healing, and all the fix-ins, nothing out of the ordinary. Though, today, the last thing you'd expected was to run into your boyfriend while out on your job. Funny, I know, since you're both heroes but this didn't happen as commonly as one would think.

"Hey good looking, what are you doing out here? Shouldn't you be back at home?" Stinger asked as he approached you. You were both smack dab in a neighborhood that still had a bit of people roaming around, it looked relatively safe. Rolling your eyes at his comment, you waved his words off while responding. "Same as you, the association wanted me to patrol around to heal and restore if necessary, they called me as soon as you left. So far nothing's needed much fixing."

The Class A hero grinned and rested his weapon on his shoulder as he continued to engage in comfortable conversation with you, occasionally waving at a few fans here and there who acknowledged him. You talked more like friends than lovers when you were out in public, well, except for Stinger's blatant flirting.

And then it happened.

You'd both made the mistake of letting your guards down and you would be forced to pay the price.

One second you were laughing and joking, and the next second you watch as Stinger is swatted away from you and into a nearby building like a mere mosquito, followed by the panicked screaming of the citizens around you. Everything moves slowly around you as you're frozen in place, a look of fear mingled with shock spread across your features.

"Two heroes standing leisurely around, speaking to one another like there's no immediate danger around them. Tch."

The assaulter speaks from directly in front of you, looking down at you with a grin on his face. The surrounding citizens run away from the scene, eager to preserve their lives. And in no time, it's just you, the hero hunter, and Stinger, who's just peeled himself from the dent in the building, his injuries were obvious but he wasn't Class A for no reason. He shouts at you. "Y/N! Hurry up and run!" He screams in urgency at you, knowing you did not like physical confrontation. His sudden shout seemed to trigger you into moving again as you speedily jumped back away from the one they called Garou, staring at him as you put distance between the two of you.

Immediately, Stinger gets between the two of you and holds up his spear, giving Garou a grin of his own as he gets into position for battle. "So you're the hero hunter, huh? I'll admit, you did catch me off guard but that won't happen again! I'll take you down in a pinch!" He exclaimed and charged forward at superhuman speed, using his Bamboo Shoot with great efficiency despite the bleeding heavily from his head. You watched as the two of them engaged in battle, your heart racing, egging your boyfriend on in your mind.

You should have run away like he said, but you couldn't, not with him injured like this, you would just remain in the area and heal him when you were given the chance. For now, you took to running away, ducking down into a nearby alley to watch the fight, crossing your fingers in hopes that this would end quickly in Stinger's favor.

It looked that way for a while, you could feel yourself becoming more and more relieved by the second, watching as Garou struggled against Stinger's attack, the human who called himself a monster didn't seem to be doing too well, having injuries of his own.

Stinger soon had Garou cornered, ready to further injure him to keep him from doing anymore damage, his signature grin still in place as blood continued to steadily run from his head and into his eyes.

"It's over now. Hurry up and surrender, hero hunter. You've lost."

He said, continuing to hold eye contact with Garou. The hero hunter held no smile, clearly injured as well but also seemed to be thinking deeply about something. It looked like he would be losing this battle, however, you knew that Stinger had the flaw of celebrating too early, and that was the case in this scenario.

"Oh? I'm not so sure."

Garou's words, despite him being yards away from you, sent a chill down your spine and you almost yelled for Stinger to watch out, but it was too late. The hero hunter moved even faster than before and you can't stop yourself from crying out in worry as he knocks Stinger unconscious with just a singular move, strong enough to send him barreling towards you. It was almost like Garou had planned this.

Stinger hit the ground, his body rolling across the concrete until he skidded to a stop in front of you, looking lifeless and mangled, his spear laying somewhere unknown. His eyes were closed and he laid on his stomach in front of you. With a shaken hand, you stared to reach out for him. You could heal him, he'd be okay. He HAD to be okay!

But that was too easy.

You were just mere centimeters from touching his back and activating your healing but you were dragged away, feeling as the back of your head was grabbed and your face was slammed into the ground with enough force to make you dizzy. You nearly vomited from the pain alone but were able to quickly heal yourself. The position you were in was humiliating, hunched over on your knees, hands pressed on the dirty alley in an attempt to support your body to keep it from having too much contact with the uncertainies of grossness. Garou continued to hold the back of your head, and you were unable to see him but he seemed pleased, grinning from ear to ear.

"Who knew the association had just a weak hero in their ranks, Restore." He said, saying your hero name with nothing but venom. This was how you were going to die, this was how you were going to die.

You couldn't even stop yourself from trembling in fear, droplets of tears escaping your eyes as the fell onto the ground beneath you. Biting back a sniffle, you decided to plea the best you could, your voice trembling with each word.

"Plea... please. You can do whatever- whatever you want with me. Just... just let me heal him, please." You begged, not even concerned about yourself at this point, you just wanted Stinger to be okay.

There was silence behind you, too long, too quiet. It was starting to eat you alive, you wanted him to say something. And before you could plead again, you heard him chuckle dryly before he spoke.

"So. It is true. The hero Stinger and hero Restore are 'loving' boyfriends. How comedic. Almost brings tears to my eyes." He paused, seeming to think of what could possibly done next. And the next time he spoke, you could hear the smile in his tone of voice.

"Okay. I'll let you heal him, but you've gotta do something for me in return, yeah?" You then felt a presence lean over you, slender fingers moving from your head to around your neck and gripping at your chin. Soon, his breath was felt on the side of your face, devilish eyes peering at you as he continued to grin, forcing you to crane your neck to look him in the eye as he continued offering his 'deal'. Looking into his eyes was proving to be difficult, his gaze shook you to your core with how cold he looked at you. But before he added onto the deal, he couldn't help but to laugh and insult you.

"Wow. Look at you! You're seriously cryin'? That's cute. Almost makes me feel bad about what's gonna happen next, but that power of yours will help you so I won't feel too bad. We gotta deal or not, Restore?" His eyes looked from yours and then to Stinger's unconscious body, observing the hero.

"Better hurry up. He might not make it."

He then turned your face, allowing you to see what he was seeing. Stinger looked to be breathing shallowly, further solidifying your growing fear. You had no time to refuse or hesitate. What was the worse thing he could do? You still had your powers, you were practically indestructible despite not having much strength.

"Okay! Okay! Do whatever you want!" You exclaimed, shutting your eyes, not wanting to look at your injured boyfriend any longer. Everything would be okay, you can handle this, you've been beaten up before, this was nothing new.

Garou didn't move from where he was for a few seconds but then he did, moving his hand from your face. You were expecting him to move you into a better position to beat your ass but that was far from the truth.

A yelp of surprise came from you when he suddenly used one of his hands to express his brute strength, ripping through the ass of your hero costume and your underwear. The sudden cold air hit your exposed rear and the underside of your sack, your eyes widening when you were starting to come to a realization about what was about to occur. But you couldn't move.

No.

You agreed to this.

Just like before, you were frozen, unable to move. The only thing that moved was Garou's hand, rustling with something, obviously his belt and loose-fitting pants. You had ample time to escape him when he suddenly let go of you to spit in his hand and wet his cock, but no, you didn't move an inch. How could you? He was faster than you, and who was to say that if you had disobeyed him he'd let you or Stinger live.

You weren't allowed to ponder for long when he suddenly pushed the head into you. You'd already been stretched out from the earlier morning's escapade with Stinger. He was able to push into you with both ease and just a little of bullying, he was thicker than Stinger but you somehow managed to keep taking him with ease. It was embarrassing, and of course he had to comment on it.

"I already knew I'd be getting sloppy seconds, but not to this extent. You two must fuck like animals."

His words cause you to shudder and he pushes into you further, stretching you out in a way that makes you confused. As he's burying himself into you, you bite your tongue until it bleeds to stop from moaning in pleasure and pain, closing your eyes as you drop your head in indignity.

Garou doesn't give you the chance to hide from your embarassment, his arm wrapping around your neck, forcing it against his bicep as he puts you in a loose headlock, forcing your face up as he remains buried deep inside you. His head moves back to beside yours and the intimate position your in fills you with a fresh sense of shame, almost as much as his cock was filling you.

"Ever since I read about you and your powers, I wondered just how indestructible you are. I wondered what would happen if I beat you over and over and over again. Would your powers be able to keep up? How fast can you heal? And then, I started noticing other things about you. I hate heroes and everything that they stand for but you're not a hero, are you? Just some overpowered nurse. I prefer that title instead of 'hero' for you." His words made your brows furrow, thoroughly confused by what he was getting at, though you did feel a sting of hurt from his belittling. Suddenly, he pulled out of you about halfway and then slammed back in, catching you off guard for the umpteenth time as you were lurched forward, choking when your windwipe hit against his muscled bicep, an involuntary whimper soon following.

"You're attractive, no doubt. But you're so weak—" He pulled back his hips and then pistoned them forward, fucking into you with animosity, emphasizing his insulting words with each thrust.

"Fragile."

"Useless."

"Breakable."

"Cowardly."

Each hit has you further confused, unable to keep your soft moans underwraps.

His words hurt, but why were you squeezing around him with each word? Why was your dick harder than a rock? Why didn't you want him to stop?

Easily, Garou catches on but nothing can prepare you when he suddenly turns his head to whisper in your ear, his warm breath causing goosebumps to blossom all over you, cock twitching in delirium.

"Oh? You like that, huh? You like hearing the truth about how useless you are? You should be ashamed of yourself. What if your poor boyfriend woke up and saw you gettin' off to this? Bet you'd like that too, huh?"

Apparently you did, seeing how you immediately clenched around him as soon as he finished speaking. Was this just your body's natural response?

You hear yourself moaning as he pounds into you from behind, skin slapping against skin at such an insane speed that you're starting to see specks of light in your vision. Your freehand moves to grip onto Garou's forearm, mainly to ground yourself, and you can barely breathe from the sheer pleasure of being fucked with such hatred and disdain. The dick is so good that you can't even keep your powers under control, healing the human who calls himself a monster without even realizing. You've healed someone during sex before many times, mostly Stinger, but not to this extent.

Eyes fluttering and rolling into the back of your head with each delicious stroke that makes direct contact with the button inside you that makes you forget your own name, you fail to notice the slight stir of the unconscious man in front of you. Garou doesn't though, in fact, he only goes faster, grinning at the realization. You should consider yourself lucky that he's still holding you in place with his arm, the headlock was saving your life in more than a few ways.

As you're getting your back blown out by the infamous hero hunter, Stinger, whom you were trying to heal just a few minutes ago, opened his eyes. Ableit he did so slowly, he blinked, attempting to have his vision adjust as familiar noises graced his ears. The sight that soon appears in front of him has him in pure shock, he hasn't an idea on how he should react. He wasn't prepared for it.

"Pleasure for you to join us, Stinger. Like whatcha see?" Garou questioned, not faltering in a single thrust. "

This must be a nightmare. That's what Stinger forces himself to think, watching in horror as his enemy has his way with you, and you seem to be enjoying yourself. But no, that can't be, this is just how the body naturally responds to sex. You didn't want this— you couldn't want this. Stinger wanted to move, but he couldn't, he was completely paralyzed, forced to watch you be repeatedly deflowered by a maniac with an insatiable need to cut down each and every hero.

Noticing his struggle, Garou only becomes more smug, but you still haven't seemed to caught onto the mess being created, more focused on creating a mess in your pants. "Aye, Restore, look who's joined the party? He doesn't look too happy. Aww, I think he's hurt." You can barely understand English right now, let alone whatever he was talking about, how could anyone have such power? But against better judgement, you blinked, trying to recollect your fuzzy brain as his words sunk in. And to your mortification, when you managed to fully open your eyes without them rolling around in your skull, you met the hurt gaze of Stinger.

Immediately, you attempted to speak, wanting to tell him why you were doing this, but you were cut off by the sound of your own moan when Garou pulled back and slammed into you with more force than before. Your mouth hung open, unable to keep itself closed, and you started to drool, eyes closing yet again as you forgot yourself.

Stinger watched and listened to everything in front of him, no words coming from him as he tried to take this all in in strides. Was he dreaming?

"Hah— think I'll use you... as a dumpster." Garou murmured, giving you no option when he suddenly started to speed up even faster, turning your poor brain into mush, drool dribbling onto the sleeve of his shirt. A few more seconds of this and you were forced to take his sticky, hot load, copious amounts of the human monster's cum spilling into you as he pushes as deeply as possible into you as he can manage, completely stopping his movements.

Once he's done, he releases you and pulls back, you fall forward, realizing that he'd been holding you up the entire time with his strength alone. And what you'd feared previously came true as you laid on your belly amongst the filth of the alley.

The hero hunter stands, pulling up his pants and redoing his belt, afterwards, he wipes his forehead of sweat. "Thanks for healin' me, Restore. I'll have to come back and find you when I get injured again. But don't worry, I'll pay you again. Later, 'heroes.'"

Garou then chuckled before seemingly disappearing with speed you'd never seen before.

Seconds, no— minutes later, what had happened sunk in and you felt shame like no other. His cum was still dribbling out of your ass when you finally regained the strength to lift yourself onto your hands and knees, avoiding Stinger's watchful gaze all together as you stared at the ground in disbelief. You'd done the unthinkable.. but, you quickly remembered your goal, slowly crawling forward to where your boyfriend remained laying. Shakily, you reached out and pressed your knuckles against his face, not wanting your dirty palms to come in contact with his skin, and activated your powers, healing him instantaneously.

Once he could feel his body again, Stinger immediately moved to sit on his knees in front of you. He spoke, but you couldn't hear a word he said as you leaned forward, the crown of your skull pressing against his chest. He stopped speaking and slowly started to rub your back in comfort as you sniffled, hoping that he could forgive you..but, then you noticed something strange.

Your eyes widened.

To your complete shock, Stinger's suit of bandages did a horrendous job of hiding how he truly felt about what happened to you.

Was he... hard?

I'm going to make a comprehensible input resources guide, these are some long winded notes on the process.

For the purposes of this guide, by "comprehensible input" I mean language learning materials that are specifically made for you to be able to understand the meaning simply by engaging with the learning material. Learning materials designed to teach you the target language IN the target language. The hope is that after learning around 3000 words and main grammar concepts through comprehensible input, along with some basic listening and reading skills, you have learned enough to move on to watching/reading things in the language made for that language's speakers. At which point you should comprehend enough of what's going on (the overall main idea of most scenes/paragraphs) that you can continue learning from what you can comprehend alone. You can of course speed up how fast you learn new things at that point by looking up unknown things (the same way that in my native language I looked up "opaque, morose, grievious, mahogany" when reading to learn their meanings quicker growing up compared to the vague understanding I had of the words from what I comprehended and guessed from context alone). But at bare minimum, the goal is to get a foundation in the language through learning material you understand the main idea of, and get to a point where you can continue to learn using material for native speakers and just engaging with it.

An example of a (mostly) comprehensible input study plan:

1. Start with comprehensible input video series on youtube that is made for total beginners (examples: Dreaming Spanish, Learn Korean in Korean, Comprehensible Input French, Comprehensible Chinese, Comprehensible Chinese, Ayan Academy videos of Direct Method textbooks in various languages). You may watch these videos only once, once with target language subtitles (to practice reading) and once with no subtitles, or rewatch/relisten often if repetition is something you like to do when studying. An alternative to a comprehensible input youtube channel could include: audio flashcards (since they're "comprehensible" since you hear the target language, then english, then the target language again) examples of this include Glossika Audio Files and Spoonfed Chinese Anki deck Audio Files, and also any textbook/course audio or sentence flashcard audio files (like Clozemaster Radio Mode) you can find that repeat sentences in target language/english and go through a SIGNIFICANT amount of vocabulary and grammar. Tips: Explore the learning material options because some teachers, presentation styles, materials will click better with you than others (for example I hate anki and can't focus but sentence flashcards with audio would ultimately work fine for this if you can focus on flashcards 30 minutes - 1 hour a day, I love Comprehensible Chinese youtube channel but the ambiguity and struggling to understand may make some people dislike the lesson style). I strongly urge you to pick learning materials that teach a LOT OF VOCABULARY ASAP. I can't insist on this enough. Try to get exposed to 1000 common words ASAP (within a few months), and try to find various learning materials that will ultimately teach you 3000 common words or more (because you'll want to know at least 2000-3000 common words before engaging with material for native speakers comfortably). This is harder than you think, for example Duolingo only teaches 3000 words if you do the entire course, so unless you're cramming through Duolingo in 6 months (and I spend 4 years on it so I sure wasn't) then it's way slower paced than you need. Glossika is a good option, IF you intend to get through the whole 3000-6000 sentences in a year. If you use a youtube channel you'll want to look for courses that go into B1-B2 lessons and aim to get to the B level lessons by the end of a year or sooner. If a youtube channel only teaches colors, numbers, my name is? It has way too few words to teach you and while you can use it to start, you'll need another course with more material later. Good textbooks/audio courses will have 2000 words in them (at least) and if they have less I recommend either skipping them or cramming them quickly then moving on. If a lesson is 10 minutes long and you aren't exposed to at least 5 new words, the course might be going too slow. (I found an audiobook in my library for basic japanese that taught about 40 japanese words in 2.5 hours... that is WAY too slow of a rate to introduce new words). If the course is more than 50% english, it may be moving slower than you need (and in a comprehensible input material like 90% or more should be in the target language unless you're using sentence flashcard audio where 50% will be english). TLDR: find learning materials that teach in a way you can easily engage with regularly and focus on, and find various learning materials to work through that will eventually teach you 2000-3000 words. I will give examples below.

2. Once you have a few hundred hours studied (100-800, it really depends on how soon you want to jump into doing more) find Graded Reading materials in your target language. The goal here is to start graded readers once you know the amount of words the graded reader you pick recommends you know when starting. So for example, Mandarin Companion books have some graded readers for near-total beginners, and you could start the Mandarin Companion books quite early after starting to watch Comprehensible Chinese. French by the Nature Method textbook is made to be used by total beginners, and teaches roughly 3000 words, so you could start that graded reader immediately upon starting french and read it alongside listening to Comprehensible Input French youtube videos. Things to look for in graded readers: they will tell you how many words you should know when starting (say 500 words) and the book will be easier to read if you don't try to read it until you get close to the recommended words (like say knowing 350-400 words when you start reading). Check how many words the graded reader contains: if you know 200 words and the book teaches 200 words, you may only learn 20 new words that didn't happen to overlap words you already knew. It would be good practice for learning to read better, but that particular graded reader will NOT teach you many new words. So if your goal is to continue increasing vocabulary at a fast pace, you may pick a graded reader with 100-500 more words than you currently know. It may be a slog at first to look up the new words, to reread sections, and to try to follow whats going on, but by the end of the book your vocabulary will have grown a lot. How many new words per book you can tolerate will greatly depend on you. When I knew only 500 chinese words, I picked graded readers with 300-800 unique words. 300 unique word graded readers helped me improve reading skills, and 800 unique word graded readers gave me roughly 300 new words to learn which was the upper limit of what I could handle. Once I knew 1000 words, I'd pick 1500 word graded readers with 500 new words for me to learn. Now that I know 3000+ words, most novels have at least 500-2000 unknown words for me and I just pick based on how it feels to read and how much I want to look words up (I usually go by 20 or less new words per page, 30 or less new words per chapter, when I want to pick novels where I don't have to look any words up if I don't want to...5 words you don't know out of every 100 words you see is usually the limit to where people still feel comfortable reading without looking anything up. If there's more unknown words than that ratio, people usually start feeling frustrated unless they look words up). TLDR: basically look for "beginner graded readers" for your target language, and keep pushing yourself to pick graded readers with more words for the next one. You will eventually push your vocabulary up to 2000-3000 in this way after reading several graded readers, in combination with watching/listening to some Comprehensible Input learner material.

3. Immersion "the fun stuff." You've studied for 1-2 years now and learned 3000 words. Or, like me, you are impatient and comfortable with ambiguity and have studied 4-6 months and have at least vague familiarity with 1000 words. You have at least some familiarity with common grammar, and pronunciation (from those comprehensible input learning materials with audio, and graded readers). You can now learn by immersing with materials for native speakers! If you have a high tolerance for difficulty, you can start immersing as SOON as you can bear it. I've seen some people start immersing knowing 500 words, basic grammar, and 3 months of study. I personally can tolerate learning from immersion at around 6 months of study and 1000 words learned. For some people with lower tolerance for ambiguity, they are really going to want to know 3000 words before starting to immerse. However, IMMERSING IS ALWAYS HARD AT THE START. You are not bad at the language, you are not dumb, you CAN do this! Everyone eventually has to "immerse" because even if you study to B2 in classrooms, having a real conversation in the country or trying to read a new novel in the language will BE HARD if you never practiced that particular activity before. Half of immersing is continuing to learn new things, but the other half is LEARNING to understand what you already studied. That part is HARD when you start, because it's the first time you're trying. So if when immersion starts, it feels difficult, I urge you to continue trying to immerse for at least 3 months anyway

Try to immerse 10 minutes daily at first. Basically try to immerse "until it feels too draining." Build up to 20 minutes daily, 30 minutes, until you can actually tolerate 1 hour blocks at a time. I also recommend picking the EASIEST STUFF POSSIBLE when you start immersing, since you're learning to understand what you've studied... you may not want to also get a ton of brand new words shoved at you simultaneously. Good options for initial immersion may be: watching a show you've seen before in english, watching a slice of life/romance/action show where often what people are Doing Visually is related to what they're saying, playing a video game you're really familiar with (so you can guess the words easily), reading the kids form of a novel you're familiar with (so if say you know The Monkey King story then finding a chinese kids novel of The Monkey King may be approachable), finding books and shows with low unique word counts (Heavenly Path's site has a lot of good recommendations that list word count, you'll want to aim for 1000-3000 unique words when you start and the lower the better). My personal rule for immersion has always been: I must at LEAST understand the main idea of each scene (or be able to look up only 1 key word every 5 minutes to get enough information to grasp that main idea) in order to immerse with it. If I watch a show and I can't follow the main idea of the scene, even if I look up 1-2 keywords? Then that show is too difficult for me to learn from. And as I learned more words, much of my immersion material became "I can understand the main idea of scenes without any word lookups, and optional word lookups are only needed if I wish to understand some specific details I cannot figure out from the context I understand." Once you've learned 3000 words, you SHOULD know enough to grasp the main idea of your average slice of life romance show or a kids show you've seen before in english. If you're watching a slice of life romance and have no fucking idea what's going on, and you know 3000 words? I urge you to re-watch the episode 2-3 times. Because the problem is likely that you're struggling to understand words you DO already know. If you watch something with target language subtitles, you can pause and read subtitles at first until you get better at understanding what you know at speaking speed. You can also use the subtitles to see if the thing you didn't understand was Actually a new word, or if you just didn't catch/recognize a word you've studied before.

In my experience, immersion progress went through stages. I imagine that if you start immersion after already knowing 3000 words, the beginning stages will be shorter and less draining.

Stage 1: immersion feels exhausting, you only tolerate 10-20 minutes of immersion before feeling fried trying to pay attention, you are pausing constantly to read target language subtitles, you are replaying sentences frequently to hear things multiple times until you clearly hear it, you may do immersion on and off with several days break in between each attempt, and do easier less draining graded readers and comprehensible input learning materials between attempts. Over time the learning materials start feeling way easier than they used to be, and the immersion material feels like you can tolerate immersing a bit longer. Note: if you start immersion after already studying ~3000 words, then you should know enough words that any word lookup should be completely optional during immersion... as word lookup would mostly be review of stuff you studied, rather than learning new words, and new words should be surrounded by enough stuff you know to simply learn the new words from context alone. This applies to all stages: if you have enough vocabulary to understand without looking up any keywords, its excellent 'easier' immersion material for you and you can continue to immerse without looking up anything.

Stage 2: you can watch 20 minutes to 1 hour of immersion material at a time before feeling drained, you may be looking up key words once every 1-3 minutes (or else feeling confused a lot), you are starting to reliably follow the main idea of scenes as long as you look up a few key words, and you're getting a better idea of what words will help you understand what's going on. You are getting better at "understanding things you already know" and no longer need to pause as frequently when words you've studied before are said or when grammar you've seen before is used. You are getting somewhat better at comprehending speaking speed.

Stage 3: You have gotten much better at "understanding things you already know" and now only pause once in a while when words/grammar you've studied is used, most of your pausing and looking words/grammar up is happening when you see something new to learn. You may replay lines to catch more detail, but you do not need to replay lines constantly simply to understand them. You can look up 1 keyword every 5 minutes and follow the main idea, or even look up no keywords (if the immersion material is easier) and comprehend the main idea.

Stage 4: for easier immersion materials, you are now comprehending the main idea of scenes without much effort, watching 40 minute shows is no longer extremely draining on your focus, and you now notice DETAILS you are not understanding. A lot more of the new words you look up relate to DETAILS in scenes. While you may still want to replay lines to catch more details or double check that you understood a main idea correct, you could go through a whole episode without ever replaying and still follow the main story. You could go through a whole episode with no word lookups and still follow the main story.

Stage 5: for easier immersion materials, you no longer feel it takes intense focus to follow the main idea. Following the main idea may feel almost as easy as in your native language. Most of your focus/feeling drained is happening with details and the words that now stick out to you as words/phrases you don't know. If you decide to look up unknown words at this point, you can look up more than just keywords because there are few enough unknown words it is not extremely time draining to look up most unknown words. At this stage, depending on how easy the immersion material is, you can simply watch for pleasure and pick up words from context, without feeling drained.

Stage 6: You start picking harder immersion material, and repeating various stages 1-5 with it. The harder immersion material gives you more new words to learn per minute, since the easier immersion material was no longer providing you as much. Again, you do not strictly need to look up any keywords when watching. If you choose to look up keywords, you can pick "more difficult" immersion material since you'll have word lookups to help you comprehend it. But if you choose to look up keywords or not, as LONG AS you understand the main idea of scenes you WILL understand enough to learn some new words from context alone. If you would like to learn primarily from just DOING aka watching/reading in the language, not looking things up, aim to pick easier materials where you understand the main idea of scenes without any word lookups. If you enjoy looking words up, you can dive into immersing in fairly difficult materials quickly since the main barrier will just be "words you need to look up to comprehend what's going on." I would recommend though, even if you like looking words up, to do the first few immersion months with "easier material." Because the first hardest part of immersion is learning to understand things you've already studied. That will feel very difficult at first, so picking things that mainly comprise of what you already studied will give you time to practice That Skill without overwhelming you with other new things. Likewise, the first few times you do listening-only practice... it may be a good idea to practice listening to stuff you've watched before or read before, so you know the words and the difficulty is mainly in just understanding listening to things you already know. That way, when you improve, it is obvious to you.

(In reality, my actual study plans consist of: some comprehensible input, some watching shows/playing video games and looking up new "key" words for meaning with Google Translate, a lot of reading graded readers extensively, a lot of reading novels and looking up words either just key words or every single unknown word depending on how I feel, reading along to novels/transcript while listening to an audiobook/audio drama, chatting with people on Hellotalk* I need a better strategy for output practice though, reading grammar guide summaries and grammar book portions when I want, and in the first 6 months of new language study I usually do 2000 flashcards crammed in 2-4 weeks in anki/memrise and read through a grammar guide summary in 2 weeks and cram study radicals/letters/building blocks in a few weeks along with cramming through a pronunciation guide in a few weeks. Those first 6 months I learn very little *well* but I get a vague familiarity with a lot of Common Words and Common Grammar and pronunciation and features, so when I start studying more in depth by like reading novels and listening to audio and looking up lots of unknown things... I have this 6-month basic foundation to attach my newly learned memories to. All that said... after the initial 6 months, a majority of my study is either comprehensible input or doing things in the language while looking up unknown words/grammar.

Have you seen Tetris (2023)? Unrelated: what music do you like, or listen to?

-R

I have seen Tetris, yes! Just a few weeks ago, sometime in March, matter of fact, so your timing is particularly incredible. It first haunted me in music form, believe it or not, I kept getting songs from its soundtrack recommend on Spotify.

While I usually really don't like the KGB is in your walls stuff that the Western films always insist on showing, I'll make an exception for this movie because it's pretty fun. I actually liked the Evil Liar KGB had going on, I thought it was very funny. I do have one complaint about the whole thing, though. I wish the pixel animation was utilised throughout the whole movie, not just in That One Scene... :( Just small, little bits (ha) would have been fine...

Fun (not really) fact: I was first introduced to the character of Robert Maxwell through this movie (you have to forgive me for not giving many fucks about the aristocrats of Britain). I have then immediately learnt that his daughter is Ghislaine Maxwell. The Ghislaine Maxwell. Jeffrey Epstein's partner (in crime). How delightful...

What music do I like... That's a terrible question to ask me because I'm very passionate about music... I have playlists for everything I like, even Chernobyl related one... there's not a free minute in my day that I'm not listening to something. I associate music with everything.

I mean, judging solely by the fact that my wardrobe consists of one too many Sabaton and Rammstein shirts, I'd have to say I'm particularly fond of metal. And punk. And rock. I occasionally listen to Hollywood Undead because I discovered it when I was a... young teen, much too young to be listening to that kind of stuff lmao, and so I feel oddly nostalgic about them.

I really like the... weird and experimental stuff? If it has some kind of a connection with nature, I will probably like it. I've been a long time fan of Cosmo Sheldrake - and he just released a brand new album Eye To The Ear on the 12th of April AND a new single just a few days ago... it's everything I could have expected and more, truly. His brother, Merlin (whimsical names is the theme) is a biologist and he wrote a book about fungi, which I really like, but haven't finished because I didn't have the time nor brain capacity to take in all that new information.

And continuing with the theme of slighly weird, I also enjoy video games/movies OSTs. The creepier the better. Little Nightmares (I&II) soundtrack? Perfection. I talk a lot of shit about HBO's Chernobyl but that show's OST is phenomenal (and that's the last nice thing I have to say about it 🙄). From not horror-esque soundtracks: stuff from DOOM.

I've also been mesmerised by the Polish folk music used throughout The Peasants and have been regularly listening to the whole soundtrack. I need to rewatch that movie ASAP... more on movie tracks, I also really like Mad Max: Fury Road's and Moon (2009)'s OSTs.

I also like older, classic bands... Pet Shop Boys, Soft Cell, Bronski Beat, Depeche Mode... Kult, if we're talking local... And because I AM beating the toxic masculinity allegations: MARINA, Paris Paloma, Caro Emerald and sometimes even Lana Del Rey and Mitski. Other than that, I'm rarely attached to one particular artist or band, I usually like two or three songs and hate the rest haha

I'm gonna add a bunch of songs I like under the cut as a little treat, just because:

tagged by my beloved @all-seeing-ifer!!!

last song: probably the view between villages (extended version) because im a Sad Bastard

currently watching: so much! tragically today it has been antm because some days you need mess/trash, but my wife and i are going to resume our boardwalk empire rewatch ASAP and i’ll probably continue my dark rewatch soon too

currently reading: the poppy war by rf kuang, but also juniper and thorn by ava reid

current obsession: the bo and jantje ‘verse with a special focus on 1899! its where i will probably be living for at least a year if not longer (probably longer since lost was like two years and my otp barely held hands in that one; the sheer amount of otp content i got from 1899 will sustain me for ages)

tagging @actual-lea @randomfandom815 @foolishpsychopomp @tortoisesshells @admiraleyk and @itsalongwaytotipperary

Mmmmmmmmmm. Ok so owl house s3 spoilers below so like heads up besties plz don’t continue reading if u don’t want em spoilers

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OK BESTIES

What tHE EVERLOVING FUCK DID I JUST WATCH

like uni life here do be like guess I have to watch the ep in 4 parts over YouTube bc I don’t have cable and it’s not on Disney plus yet but oh my gawd FUCK. First off, Hunter. Sad baby boi what the tears behind the owl mask and omg noooo noooo of course he’s alone and he discovers the Belos goo and then Belos goo possesses him and flapjack and the “he’s not moving” and flapjack pt 2 and all those new scars and Luzs mom diving into the fucking water after him and bestie I can’t deal anymore. And now they know he’s a grimwalker, and omg that sorry time was V helpful but also I was like noooo poor babies reliving trauma in human realm bc of course grimwalker is scary story u tell your kids of fuck. And luZ don’t even get me started on how badly I want her to get all the hugs, like bestie feels so guilty and we love amity being like is ok about the grimwalker shit and hunter being like it is not ur fault he used u, he is a piece of shit and Luz’s mom ready to go thru a portal after some seeing demon Belos and omg her staying up at night trying to figure out how to care for kids from the demon realm and also her nightmare about Luz. And wow I know this post is just me rambling but like I have no friends who watch this show so tumblr you be getting my thoughts. Also can we take a sec to talk about that like part time staff at the morgue? Where were they idk? But bestie’s nail polish, hello non-binary character that is super cool wtf YES. Ok anyways if anyone knows anything about when this is getting released on Disney plus plz tell me because I need to rewatch it asap. Ok time to go let this shit soak in bc AHHH. Gn peeps!!

i think i've only seen a soma playthrough twice and the first time i didn't absorb it great lol but upon just some light brushing up (incl a short article that was one of the few results that cropped up when i was like "show me the images for 'soma's save feature featured fisting, right' (yeah basically)") it's like, it's always fun when you're just left with a lot of room to Interpret Themes and unsurprisingly at this juncture i'm lasering in on just, like, the matter of [the self vs the other] via this premise that basically people can just make a copy of their Psyche at any point (but needing to find a new & different Soma in which to upload it but like, largely setting that aside when In This Scenario the new bodies don't affect their minds / sense of self at all....except for when they sometimes do? or maybe not. the like glitchy monsters are just kind of WAU automatons, right. and the people are all able to act / communicate themselves as people, though they might be affected by like, existential crises over the goings on) wherein like....the protagonist can Split In Two* at a few points via the psyche copying/uploading, and then the game Follows the copy that will be continuing to advance the plot, and the version of the protagonist we Were following is now An Other even though it's like, that was The Self (at least insofar as that was our first person pov player character) up till just now. and the protagonist can Know like, yeah that's You right over there also. and yet iirc from like, yesterday's light research, in the first instance he at least gets the Option to kill that Other/Self who was, up till just then, the Self to us too, if that makes him feel better abt the existential crisis, or at least discomfort, enough to like, keep moving right along lol (speaking of. just the other day i was like "adagioly onomatopoeiaing the opening banjo strums of rainbow connection from the muppet movie soundtrack does so much for me" and then i learned it was the anniversary of its theatrical release. hell yes. also memorably once when like marinating for hours in a general malaise & failing to find the wherewital to get up i was like "haha oh wait. i'm playing the song 'movin right along' from the muppet movie in my head. okay" up & at em)

anyways the fisting article (which, i was wondering what thoughts it would have on that truly interesting facet of the game. mostly it posited that the uhh sphincteresque penetration of it all would be Typically considered to make cishet men anxious / threatened / vulnerable, and notes the protagonist (hypothetically a cishet man) is indeed trepidatious about it, while also arguing he markedly Doesn't really hesitate in shit that hurts or endangers others in the course of his shit (though ig that can also depend on the player? haven't really rewatched it recently enough to know how much his dialogue adds to [as a character though he's making it clearer he just wants to cut a swath through your shit asap]) and also questions whether the game thinks of (or, from their argument, knows of) the protag as pretty sphincteresque himself. and like yeah probably imo lol like thee ending being what it is, and as far as i know no like Multiple Endings like in amnesia series* stories usually, and thus more room to have a protagonist who talks to characters in the present and i think like, without the ability to choose what he says

anyways that the protagonist can Understand like, hey see that guy over there, that's literally also you rn, and yet he can [Not accept that] in one case such that he'll kill that Self for "his own" Self's comfort really, as the fisting article expressed, to continue believing he is Unique and the One True Self, the only Real [himself]. when, to be sure, the game Could have kept the first person pov on that version of him we'd Been up till then, and had that pov of the one killed. or maybe left behind in another instance, i don't remember all the "transfers"....catherine Explicitly explaining that only the copy/upload format is possible, Not Transfers, making sense what with like. her magic brain scans that can can wholly parse & store your Psyche data, whatever that'd be like, definitely not being meant to, say, Extract the person's Psyche from their living human body upon doing so. while the ending's drama comes from the game Now staying with the version of the protag who'd been our first person pov character prior to that "transfer," who is Again like "why am i still here" despite having the "it's not actually a transfer" explained, b/c This version Just So Happens to be the copy of the copy of the copy like simon(4) or (5) or whatever and ofc can't have been the one(s) already just left behind somewhere back there in the complex or he wouldn't have been able to be at that point in the first place. and then "killing" catherine b/c he's so pissed, i remember it as him hitting whatever device was her effective Soma, but the article i think suggested she just got too stressed in turn and that Output fried the device. while, of course, post credits shows us their "transferred" selves just fine chilling in the ark like whew glad all that's done with

anyways just getting around to the fact of how it's easy to land on catherine as the center of the game....and of course she's the one really Not having crises over [my god, copies of my Self] or others' selves or what all, having even less of a usual Soma than simon but rolling with it, and evidently having already fully absorbed her Self as a distinct version from her original Self, despite having the same links to her that make simon or anyone else who's been copied into whatever other Soma feel like he's continuously been Himself(tm), the one true Real Self he's always been....and like, naturally catherine being the one behind the entire project of [what if we copy/paste people's psyches into a big ol mmorpg server & shoot it into space so that Maybe something can happen with them / in a way they can continue to exist] so she's Been thinking of, you know, being separate from these Selves turned Others who you'll jettison into space beyond even the body of the earth. unless it's supposed to stay in orbit lol i do not remember the details....and ofc like plenty of other people are like wow that's Fucked Up or it's Not Us and like, the latter sure is true with with the [copying, not transferring] element, but also the former is more choose your own adventure (interpretation) when the game isn't about like, and the simulation Is fucked up, or there's any element of distress or dissonance to existing on the ark, though you can't really know that until the post credits scene confirms you're just hanging out for real....which, that article was also going in on the character who's on this quest to kill the WAU as like "the versions of us it makes isn't Real it's Corrupting" and like, arguably the WAU as just kind of, naturally, something capable of growing, and doing so, and the real problem seeming to come in with the [doing whatever for supposed safety but superceding/supplanting/displacing autonomy in doing so] like, people who did not agree to whatever was done re: their Somas or they would've remembered & been like yeah i'm hanging out as a robot now, or a goop guy, gunk [YES], etc. but separate from that obvious issue it's like, my guy, You're a copy made by the WAU now lol, you're your whole person that you are, with the thoughts & feelings to decide you wanna go on a quest to destroy it, and whatever capacity to pursue it....either way i think the game makes it clear enough the WAU is a Neutral force exercising no conscious discernment, it Is a body, or it's some body (once told me) anyways lol, though i guess i did just go "those Monsters that can chase you are just wau manifestations right" so that's getting kind of complex lol, but even that can be taken as, like, it Mimicking human's shapes & bipedality & other external characteristics, i guess, and just the way an overall theme can be [hmm where's that division between the soma and psyche, machine and ghost] the WAU has been expanding and making various forms of itself, and of humans, and that's also an element of the fisting that starts out as a fingering and can end with having to leave part of yourself in WAU's core if you have completed the choice to corrupt & destroy it, that Connection and Interfacing is required, with increasing [get it in there] required as well though there's no given clear in universe reason why (w/my theory here being: just the Themes of the increasing interaction / reducing Boundary)

where was i going with this. idk naturally there's people like "well you don't have to see the wau as evil or at least required to be destroyed" like yeah one can imagine the case for that, wherein again this one guy's hypothetically mad abt like oh it can't be Us it's making, like, brother in christ You are here as You are b/c of what wau did, if you don't think You're legitimate enough, how can you be dead set on pursuing any decision you make. but also the lack of autonomy wherein wau has (probably? again would have to rewatch) killed people to transfer them to a less fragile soma, but a) also maybe it's just acted when people were already dying / killed from other causes, and naturally there's the Everyone There Doomed To Die Fairly Imminently factor and b) that [wau's neutral / purely soma no psyche (or is it. etc)] aspect that is that classic mixup of wau just acting on its programming in a way unintended by its programmers re protecting life and c) i think WAU can sure be interpreted as a parallel counterpart to the ark project, where people agreed to the latter, & get to chill with simulated bodies in a simulated world, versus the WAU being that [body, world, realm of physical existence] which is funky & Not like a cool nice recreation of the usual world & is also at the bottom of the ocean, but it's sure trying to extend the existence of ppl's psyches by shoving them into whatever robots or slapping together parts or propping up their original body or what all, i don't remember that many of the characters encountered

Anyways Back To Catherine For Real. i'd forgotten this element completely, but that when catherine finds out her original self had been killed by crewmates (lol. amongst) for being set on carrying out the plan for the ark, Her Project, (i.e. launching it into space (risking that launch going incorrectly) vs keeping it on site at the bottom of the ocean here (theoretically less risky, according to at least the crewmate who killed her about her insisting on launching it anyways)) and catherine's copy / now alternate self comments on being like, a bit disappointed And surprised b/c like she says "i knew they didn't like me, but," like not thinking that dislike would lead to a semi accidental killing her (where apparently the guy who killed her may have been wearing the like powered diving suit w/the extra Strength to operate in the water pressure, like oh didn't mean to hit her That hard. in a different soma already) and seeing other ppl (not in universe) commenting on how it sure did seem to be culmination of like "the way others treated her" and how catherine always mentioned like, never having really had friends including as a crewmate here, being an Introvert....in fact, now i'm remembering that catherine doesn't even say "i knew they didn't like me, but" but rather something very close to "i know i'm not easy to like, but" like, aaaugh....like, as ever, a character or a Real Life Person sharing any particular info like "i'm [xyz]" Isn't Required for just trying to always not be ableist and to always treat other people as people even if they don't "just be normal" correctly enough, supposedly. rather than [what is "just being normal" is Correct & Good and you do Not need to undergo a continuous lifelong journey of in fact questioning this & navigating & learning how to communicate & interact & relate, you just need to fleetingly muster some superficial unhelpful Bonus efforts sometimes when you encounter the rare "exception" like someone who hands you their License To Autiste and you can let them keep their fidget cube and continue treating everyone you encounter ever organic aba style]....like, naturally in the game there's no twist where catherine turns out to be Evil or even antagonistic. she's like, patient, encouraging, friendly, helpful all throughout. she's also, ofc, simon's only guide (adding to the suspense of that [my god. my only guide was evil, and/or just my antagonist now anyways]) so he doesn't really get to pick someone he'd Like more. but that like, lifelong matter of why catherine doesn't Get to have had friends. that even as this professional associate she's treated differently, and worse, b/c you have to personally like someone & find them charming & je ne sais quoissy to Not be worse to them? it's fine to be shitty until catherine can, say, say "i've noticed you're being kind of shitty. it's probably b/c i'm autistic, officially, which i'm choosing to share with you & am now presenting my license about it, so maybe be cool about it" and then and only then go "oh ok" and Make The Exception rather than shifting your entire shitty Rule (they also would not actually really make the exception. "shoutout" too to the concept that, of course, it's actually Disrespectful to stop hating autistic ppl b/c you should treat them The Same as anyone else, and you're bringing that organic ABA all the time as part of your "just be normal" ethos life, so be sure to keep being an asshole to them & double empathy probleming putting all the depletion, extraction, punishment, losses, harms on them and all the rewards on yourself)

and like, catherine being killed b/c she was this Body who was going to take away the ark (her project / creation, which she was also just insisting on following what'd always been the plan for) wherein like, even if this guy didn't mean to kill her, he sure did after lashing out at her, same as happens w/simon in the end....and catherine also failing to be thee most "normal/default" version of a person as well by being a Woman, and probably not white either, and, of course, a nonwhite woman, also making her that much more vulnerable to being Out Of Line(tm) by just like, existing as a person & trying to do her shit, though misogyny, racism, orientalism or the like isn't explicitly invoked or especially implicitly hinted at that hard either, but it's like, how does this [scifi magical realism set in the not That distant future but material made in the way less distant past, i.e. all intents & purposes modern / current day of: in the 2010s] have Relevance beyond "would that be fucked up or what" type Invention that doesn't map on to our experiences at all....you don't Have to read into catherine twice being killed by a man who's lashing out b/c she's not delivering what he wants, but you sure don't Have to Not and be like "this is definitely No Misogyny world" like they're still being implicitly ableist b/c she's just not deemed Winsomely Likable enough, she's internalized that with that "i'm not easy to like" framing, why assume a premise of [misogyny is over] [racism is over] etc. whilest soma doesn't really proffer any scenario of like "oh if it weren't for our being able to perceive our designated Physical Differences in our human bodies, all that oppression would be over," that's not being explored even in the specific situation of its plot in the first place; people on the ark seem to have the simulation of the same bodies they originally did, ppl Can retain like, how they'd move, their voices, their sense of their bodies: elements of their physicality. and, you know, whether one even supposes there Is any meaningful body/mind division, though in soma it Is this premise like oh yeah we can digitize your psyche perfectly okay, such that your copy would experience no disruption in that Sense Of Selfness, which is what makes everything particularly like, whoah, and [wow this is just like soma] whenever something kind of invokes similar enough What Ifs but probably less engagingly lol....while also soma is flexible and spacious in letting you interpret shit, you Can defer from fisting wau to death, you don't have to be like "it's so true. thee horrors" abt the Copies Of Selves, who really just become Others to whatever now-other versions of that person, i.e. how catherine, who, as the person who wanted to scan copies of ppl's psyches & put them in a just chilling simulation server launched into space for the Chance of being copy/pasted elsewhere eventually and the chance for the participants to Exist in some form Now, and who did so, is never like, shocked or freaked out by the notion / reality of these copies' existence even though she didn't set out figuring any scans' uploads would end up on the ocean floor stations, she's not aghast & distressed in the end when after having uploaded her latest Self data to the ark & launched it, she's also Not on the ark and Still in the eventually / doomed ocean floor station, even if it's a bummer, b/c she has already just accepted That's How It Works....this [her] was not going to experience being Transferred, like she's Been saying, like she again tells simon while he's blowing up abt [why wasn't i transferred]....just clearly being an example of like, not everyone is like horrified and freaked out and like "that's fake &/or wrong" and you don't have to decide she's incorrect for being Like That, i.e. like, yep, this is the situation, i know there's the me who was killed and the me on the ark and the me here, and i know also we're also for intents and purposes separate people

all that is to say, like, yeah the Scifi What If specific [you can copy/paste your consciousness into a different soma] is there, but also you can be looking at it as just this like, pushing to thee limit of the Self(tm) and the Other(tm) insofar as imagining yourself, as the only Internality / Mind / Selfhood you have access to, as The One True Real Self and all Others as mere somas/bodies, whether you take that to as dehumanizing an extreme as you can or you just put some double standards on Others / treat them as lesser/less Real, or oh but just Sometimes, in Some Cases, which is fine and relevant to anything, rather than what's fine and relevant being to always be aware that everyone's Otherness is a matter of perspective, you're the Other to everyone else, everyone is just as The Self as everyone else, You Could Be That Other, that other Is [you] to themself, you are the "that could be you" to them....with soma, it can just be elevated to "that Other WAS you from 0.5 mmsec ago, and continues to be them, b/c they didn't experience any disruption in their existence, though now you're both in different situations of: different locations, different bodies, the awareness there's that Other Self over there now, possibly the difference of killing that self you were just copied from so you can go on feeling like the One Real Self"....but wherein like, that's just like, [What If: you Were able to wholly & accurately Know the self inside an Other? b/c it's you from 5 min ago] of like, scenarios like [what if you time traveled 5 min into the past] except wherein that case there's usually the efforts to Resolve(tm) the timeline of that One True Self one way or another, ultimately. or is there. obviously who's positing that soma is the only material to be About the "whoa lol. me as an other" concept made scifily literal or anything

anyways that like, it creates that situation wherein one Can point & go "literally literally me" but also simultaneously one Can go "that's Not literally me arrrgh" or "that's also Not literally me, matter of factly"....simon's wrangling with the Othering of his One True Self, but he can also Know, should he choose to shift to that perspective, that all the Others who aren't alternate copies of him are all Another True Selves, An Other True Self even, though ofc as per the nature of not having a collective consciousness, he Doesn't Know the accurate whole of their psyches b/c he was not ever [literally them], but he doesn't need to to know they're just as [a whole psyche in there] as his own have been. original catherine with her fellow original crewmates being othered enough by them for the dehumanization of treating her worse, her being isolated, that indeed her being killed doesn't feel separate from all that by her or by anyone else, just an escalated extreme final fatal manifestation of it, b/c nobody ever liked her in the first place and then she became a (psyche Piloting a) body getting in the way of what one guy with amplified strength at that moment wanted from the project she made to let others' psyches keep existing in some way, which was deemed valuable enough by that guy to want to commandeer it and keep it at the bottom of the ocean versus risk a launch, regardless of how you the player think of the idea

and thinking of the way you can like, effectively befriend that boxy underwater little propellered Regular Simple Robot Helper that follows you around at some point, that is, of course it can't talk to you, it's definitely Just(tm) this not-ever-a-version of a human robot for practical tasks (dyspeptical tasks, clerical tasks, hysterical tasks) and like, imagine Its interiority, get invested, try to protect it, humanize it regardless....whereas with actual humans, and their psyches in a microchip, you can kill them for not perfectly delivering whatever you wanted even when that's not what other humans ever exist to do. then simon loses the Company he still could've Gotten From catherine, [guy who killed original catherine] didn't succeed in keeping the ark unlaunched, b/c that's what you go and do....but really just thinking of that Thread that feels so extremely relevant of like, catherine copy being simon's only option sure and working With him on this mission until we stay with the edition of him who realizes it didn't lead to his escape onto the ark, i.e. always being in relation to him in a manner of a direct practical teamup & a [take it or leave it] sole option for that anyways....but that in her original, human-bodied life, she was always "oh only a little bit" dehumanized by everyone such that she is very much aware of the way that's defined & limited her life, never had friends, i know i'm difficult to like; until that dehumanization escalated to the extreme of trying to hit her to stop her from seeing her project through, and just happening to kill her, and the fact that this seems to no one just a coincidental whoopsie of a fate just entirely disconnected from the way others always saw her and treated her as this Other among others, while other [psyche/soma]s of others who are clearly not Your Self get to have friends and not be isolated and feel hard to like forever and end up killed by coworkers

tl;dr like love a text just inviting plenty of interpretations and lenses and perspectives, ofc gonna look at it like whoa it's anarchy in there (political cats sense) where are the borders where you are thee self above thee other....soma providing that thinnest boundary of like, yeah that mf over there? there but for the [being in a different body, in a different place, with 7 seconds of negligibly different life experience] go ye. but also the usual boundary of "that person is in a different body in a different place with a different whole life but you're [that] to them and they're just as much a person and a self and an other as you are" like catherine center of the game to me

(* just remembered i had these asterisks: sure enjoying how the premise of amnesia games effectively creates Alternate Selves b/w the protagonist's present self, with however much missing time, and past selves whose goings on are completely relevant to the in media res situation you're also tackling while obtaining pieces of that past to priovide further context/info, and how this premise manifests for different stories each time; you've even got oswald like physically divided into Two Selves in a:amfp, though iirc it's not like, psychically equivalent, kinda "regular oswald & nefarious destroy the world duplicitous oswald" lmao, classic....uhh and shoutout to penumbra being similar ish in that the protagonist's story isn't want's relevant, he's trying to find out what happened to his dad and more broadly the like underground pocket world he enters for those answers? iirc....but that soma shares that amnemonic premise of [intro] [suddenly like ???] [having to navigate your present mission & figure out the past & your Missing time] but like, thee respective Lores don't overlap really, soma obviously starts present day and takes an even more obvious leap into a future / completely different location, rather than amnesia games being set in the past with missing time of like, idk months? to even just days, uhh supposedly like [forever] in justine but that's like, i dunno sure lol, the peak mysterious / withheld protagonist really, on purpose. while naturally there's also the fact that, technically, this simon we are following at the start of the game did not actually forget anything, and that's a fun distinction despite that it otherwise initially seems like the same [amnesia] premise....and that he did kind of ""forget"" things in that original simon lived however much longer before dying, that his scan then ofc didn't retroactively include. so once again it's like, well, in amnesia ppl have likewise kind of rewound to a Past Self before the missing [crucial context to your in media res misadventure] time, w/daniel (and justine) even doing this On Purpose, though as is the nature of the amnesia series, everyone regains enough of that missing info about their goings on anyways, though you the player are Not in a story of like "wow they did Exactly the same thing again and ended up in the same place anyways" and Do get to kinda choose who they are / indeed end up with some Alternate Self, potentially, despite there being plenty of room wherein like, it's not precisely, granularly laid out Exactly Who They Are at any point anyways. only just now getting extra amnemonic lore that yes daniel got all fucked up on vitae rituals b/c that's just what happens! and people are fairly horny for it! always a possible interpretation that he was high on vitae (okay one proffered pronunciation of "curriculum vitae" (which i was like lord i feel like i've gone "what tf is that" about before but what tf is that. turns out it's what CV stands for as your specifically educational resumé) does say "vitae" would, in that case, rhyme with "nigh." other sources are listing like a million different combinations of a million different ways to pronounce each syllable. also they gotta say it a way in the game but i forget. daniel's VA apparently being some chemistry teacher? just like alchemy. not what the pope said to do, weird science, it's my creation....) anyways! the psyches diverge, the bodies don't, unless they do (oswald....uhh the guy in the bunker. lambert :( ) like catching up with The Self again, encountering extreme examples of Othering and Dehumanizing and [you are just like only a soma to me] with various means and ends of acting thusly to get xyz results

Comics this week?

Superman #3 - Williamson manages to land the plane. Livewire continues to be a delight, so much so that I want Williamson to give her an arc of her own ASAP. Complaints that Supes and Lex found a solution a little too easy - and nothing major was done with Parasite Superman - aren't illegitimate gripes, but this arc nailed the feeling of a DCAU episode that Williamson was aiming for. Currently doing a rewatch of the DCAU, and Supes/Bats always are able to whip up a quick solution with SCIENCE. I do wish this arc had gone an issue longer and we got more scenes with Parasite himself because he was barely in it. Williamson has said Parasite will keep showing up in upcoming issues just like Livewire, I want more character exploration of who Parasite is beyond "he wants to eat everything". This arc did do a good job of establishing him as a legit threat, just need Williamson to build more on that. Scene of Clark and Lois at the end dancing in mid-air was perfect, Bendis did that at the end of his run and I hope it becomes a reoccurring thing for those two.

Superboy: Man of Tomorrow #1 - Porter and Lindsay nailed the Dragon Ball influence they were going for. We get cocky Kon kicking ass with his TTK in outer space and it rules. Lindsay depicts Kon's TTK in a similar fashion to the ki attacks of Dragon Ball and it's awesome! The Dominator Kon is up against has Freeza's color scheme in case the influence went completely over your head, and he's even committing atrocities out of petty greed which is Freeza's pre-Goku MO. Painful to compare how enjoyable this is compared to what has been done with Jon. Bit disappointed that Miss Martian isn't a member of the Cosmoteers, was hoping she would be a secret member, but it's good to have Superboy on a team that isn't all legacies. If this is supposed to be Conner's "Freeza Saga" he better get his own equivalent to Super Saiyan by the end!

Nightwing #103 - Computer in hell being full of malware and popups because it's hell got a laugh from me. Otherwise I need to rant a bit. Why does Taylor constantly undercut his villains? He's chosen to do an arc with Neron as the big bad, he wants us to care about the fate of this girl and be afraid that Neron will get her soul and corrupt Nightwing... but he constantly makes Neron out to be a joke. Blaze mocks him to his face that he's letting kids make a fool out of him, and while yes he does deck her for it, she's still right! Why call attention to that? Clearly this is just filler to give Redondo a break, but there's no need to rub it in the reader's face that we're stuck reading a loser flail ineptly while Nightwing and friends effortlessly overcome everything he throws at them. Ending falls flat because there's not a chance in hell that Dick is even going to consider taking Neron's offer.

Batman/Superman: World's Finest #14 - First issue of the series that I didn't love. Not a huge Metamorpho fan, and any cliffhanger that ends with "Superman is exposed to Kryptonite!" just gets an eyeroll from me. Need Waid to spice this arc up with another twist the way Boy Thunder was, because this isn't gripping me.

Nightcrawlers #3 - Spurrier broke the hot streak of SoS finally piquing my interest in the final issues. Bunch of plot turns happen that should wow me, instead leave me mostly indifferent. Good luck to Gillen with wrapping this event up next week.

Sounds like a very silent new year! Here the fireworks start slowing down after an hour but will continue throughout the night. This year was okay, I think the last fireworks I heard before I fell asleep was around 2:30. Also, I say that Arcane trailer and I will tell you that I am not ready but also I need it right now. ~Shy Anon

i keep rewatching the arcane trailer like 👀👀👀 i also need it asap that show was my obsession for like 6 straight months when it came out, i love it dearly!!!

speaking of… who’s your fave character??

Raw Feeling to Digest

It’s gonna full of grammatical errors and unsynchronized sentences but I need to pour them down before it vanishes.

A few minutes ago I just had another mental breakdown. Not as brutal as last night it caused my eyes to swollen like hell, luckily, but still, it disrupts my everyday life. For these past few weeks, I found it hard to function. These past few days are the worst. Every time I want to start my work, I feel panicked and hopeless at the same time. Those feelings are juggling with one another and freeze me instantly. I've never experienced as lost as this before.

I thought the trigger only came from the uncertainty about what I was going to do next year and I needed to decide ASAP before the year changed. But then those love songs that played on shuffle from my playlist had the same impact on my unstable condition. For some terrifying minutes, I believed no one loved me so why should I love when there is no point in keeping unrequited love stand still? But without love why should I stay alive when everything will be more dull and dark? I admit love is the core to moving this whole world and its creatures in harmony, so the lack of it could cause chaos (we all can witness it in everyday news). Okay back to my first concern, so it concludes with a question, Why should I stay alive, Why should I live, when there is no point in it? Without love, it’s only pain that is left.

I keep imagining any scenarios where I’m hurting myself. The images were so clear that I needed to pinch myself to drag me back to reality that those images were not real and I was still here not doing any harmful things (because I still hold on to my religion that forbade us to do such things).

As I’m feeling more and more hopeless, so close to what I experienced last night, I just sit on the floor in the corner of my room, laying down my head to the wall, empty head, empty look, almost empty soul, switching from crying to blanking and crying then blanking like a super mad person. Then I got up, reaching my phone to find Taylor Swift’s video explaining Mirrorball. I felt better. Then I posted it on my Instagram and continued with sharing my last night's experience rewatching All The Bright Places and pouring some truth about what I felt and am still feeling and struggling with that has similarity with Theodore Flinch, the main lead of its movie.

Is anyone out there having this similar issue, diagnosed bipolar like me, or undiagnosed bipolar like Finch that super struggling to keep up with life?

hi hey hello i just finished watching bridgerton season 2

AND IT WAS INCREDIBLE. I LOVED IT A LOT. I NEED SEASON 3 ASAP.

Kate and Anthony are AMAZING and I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. I also really adore Edwina and Lady Mary! Penelope made some........decisions for sure but she certainly still deserves her happy ending. I hope she doesn’t continue making things worse for herself. :( Her and Eloise’s friendship.......i adored it :(

but yeah this season had me invested. there wasn’t as much ~naughty~ content like in season 1 (which im SERIOUSLY thinking about rewatching bc i love simon and i love the bridgertons) but it was definitely worth the wait. the sexual tension was INCREDIBLE. as usual, the drama was insane but the characters are endlessly intriguing. the drama was pretty good too for the most part. 

DON’T GET ME STARTED ON THE MUSIC. JUST KIDDING I WILL. HOLY SHIT WRECKING BALL BY MILEY CYRUS?!?!??!?!? WHAT ABOUT US BY PINK?!?!?!??!?!!??!!? TWO OF MY MOST PLAYED SONGS OF ALL TIME???????????????????? AND THEY’RE FEATURED AS AN INSTRUMENTAL OR WHATEVER COVER IN ONE OF MY FAVORITE TV SHOWS???????????????? HELL TO THE YEAH. they’re fucking beautiful as ALWAYS and i WILL be listening to them on repeat.

anyway go watch bridgerton if you like that sort of thing! i personally love it a lot. kate sharma my beloved i would risk it all for her!!!!!!!!!

The Legacy in Tales of Arcadia (analysis post-Wizards)

SO SPOILER ALERT!!!

Since my brain has been absolutely impossible to distract from anything that doesn't involve Wizards (and besides my slight fault at rewatching my new punk baby Douxie a "few" more times 😛🤘 WIZARDS WAS REALLY GOOD OKAY), I'd like to talk about the importance of this moment in preparation of the upcoming movie, that will apparently put an end to everything.

This line I think is particularly important, not only regarding the world of magic, but all the creatures inside this franchise, and even the legacy connected to Camelot and the Arthurian heroes. It is the end of an era, and the start of a new one, with new champions.

Starting from Camelot, we can call upon us the main characters. Which are definitely Arthur, Morgana, Merlin and Lancelot. For the sake of the moment I won't include Galahad, although I do like him 💕💕💕

So we know Arthur is no more, and Excalibur has now a vacant place to fill as the weilder of the enchanted sword. And while I do hope poor Jim will take at least a bit of vacation after all the stuff that had happened to him (this best boy deserves to be happy ASAP 😭), that one last look at the sword makes me wonder. Only the worthy can weild it, who could be more worth it than Jim Lake Jr? And I think he didn't manage to take it only because he needs to readjust himself and identify who he is again. After being a human trollhunter, a half troll trollhunter and a full beast, only to go back to be nothing but Jim, I think it will take a while for him to find himself again. But I am confident that he might take on the legacy of Arthur.

As for Morgana, Claire even unwillingly at first learned from her about shadowmancy and dark magic. They had a very conflicting relationship from the start, even after knowing more about her past. But now that Morgana is gone, I think more than ever Claire is ready to go on and show her magic, AND her own magic. And I do think meeting the real Pale Lady made her revaluate her, and herself.

Lance's part was pretty much a funny bit, but I am happy at least Steve managed to learn something from him (besides his probable bisexuality... meh, not like we didn't know that already 😂). The importance I think lies on the fact that Lancelot asked him personally to use his emblem, to bring it forward. Maybe Steve could have been a more useful character, but nonetheless he acquired a bit of experience as well. He is learning to be somebody.

As for Merlin, I think it's pretty evident whom I'm gonna be talking about. And it is pretty amazing that someone like Merlin, the great jerk Merlin who thinks of people as pawns and did so many terrible things, managed to open up and show his softer side with a kid he found in an alley tricking people. And the way he left, like he was happy of the path Douxie has chosen, like he finally realized his way maybe wasn't as solid as he thought, hit me a lot. Douxie will bring forward the legacy of Merlin, but only at his conditions and following his personal plan. To be a better wizard, one that the old man could never be (I LOVE THIS PUNK KID SO MUCH 😭😭😭)

With all these heritages distributed, I do feel the continuity of the show coming along. But it's not only about the past after all, or at least not only Camelot. It's about all the old protectors.

The amulet is gone, apparently there will be no more trollhunters. The succession of the hero that had protected humans and trolls for generation has finally stopped. So what of the trolls? Will they fight for themselves? Will they manage without someone to protect them? Or they will find someone else instead? Is it really the end of a legend?

The King and Queen of Akiridion-5 are gone. And yes there is a new queen now, but Aja said it herself that she was going to find another name for herself. Something new, fitting of her free spirit. In any case, Coranda and Fialkov's empire is over, and considering all the mistakes made by them in the past, between Varvatos' family and the planet Voltar, who knows if it's really a bad thing. There is a new hope raising, new possibilities. But also new danger coming with a new chapter of the faraway planet.

Merlin is gone. The greatest wizard of all time, the one that created the amulet, that banished Morgana (well not really in Wizards but huh 😅), that had mastery over all magic, is no more. And with him Morgana. The Pale Lady, the Eldritch Queen, the Shadow Minstress and all her names. Magic is starting to fade, with Douxie and Nari holding onto their light, Claire with shadows, and the Arcane Order with their evil intent. There is no one superior to save them now. It is all in their hands.

I think this is a pure moment of absolute revolution for the world of TOA, everything is changing and I think there is no better situation to pull out the movie coming next year. I really think the battlefield is ready to be filled with epicness 🤩🤩🤩

With the hope that Toby and Krel will get a more significant role (GIVE ME MY TECH BOY 💙💙💙), I'm definitely looking forward to the future 👌

stargate episodes that should have been, part 16: atlantis season 1: seemingly overnight, kavanagh becomes wildly popular. as it turns out, he found an ancient device capable of rewinding time by a few seconds and no one notices except the user. he has been using this to take back all the stupid things he says and say less stupid things, making people like him. this happens while sheppard’s team are offworld, so when they return they discover that kavanagh is now the most popular person on atlantis. this is, naturally, Very Concerning. kavanagh continues to use his power once the team returns and begins to win over ford and sheppard, but mckay and teyla remain unconvinced. it comes to the point where atlantis is in danger and everyone looks to kavanagh for the solution. he has nothing, and mckay proposes a Good Idea. kavanagh rewinds time and steals mckay’s idea just before he says it. mckay goes “hmmm” and tells the rest of the team that that was his idea and somehow kavanagh stole it! sheppard thinks he’s just jealous but teyla is also like “hmmm” and together the two of them discover what kavanagh has been doing and stop him. (so far in my rewatch mckay and teyla have not been hanging out nearly enough!! this needs to be fixed asap.)

oMG. like the lucius episodes. except this is Infinitely Better for Obvious Reasons!!

i don't like kavanagh, but i do think he's an interesting character to discuss. and he wasn't always treated the best (i recall them being super willing to torture him in the one episode with the goa'uld?). so this episode would be an interesting way to explore his flaws a bit more, instead of him just being the token That Guy.

and i like this episode idea a lot, especially rodney & teyla teaming up to stop kavanagh from being annoying. i think they have more moments in the latter half of season 4 and early season 5, but one thing that causes me a lot of sadness, and u kno this might just be my glaringly obvious rodney bias so correct me if thats the case, but i dunno...i just feel like they didn't give rodney enough scenes alone with teyla and ronon, more teyla tho i feel (we got some nice scenes between rodney and ford. OH and rodney sparring with ronon but never teyla, how come?? unless they did and i deleted it from my memory lol) like, john gets all these great one on one moments with his team (talking about emotions lol and sparring with teyla, hanging out with ronon, shooting stuff with ronon, hanging out with rodney, avoiding talking about emotions with rodney) but rodney doesn't really get that with anyone else on the team but john? like, john has that nice not-goodbye scene with teyla and ronon in the return and rodney gets nothing with the team.

ANYWAYS, all that to say, this filled a teyla & rodney shaped hole in my heart so thank u mightily.

I Don’t Understand Buck Begins.

PSA this is a bit of rant. Not a hate-rant or anything like that, but I do express frustration and if you’re not here for that right now, please skip this. It is complicated and ended upa bit long. But if you’re up for it, I’d LOVE to know your thoughts.

I actually want to talk about this with people. I’m not here to drop a statement like a microphone and walk away. The first time I watched Buck Begins, I loved it. I still do. But as I think back on it and rewatch, there are some major issues I’m spotting:

1. Buck in his whole life has been endangering himself in order to get the attention (dare I say LOVE) of those around him. I feel like the Firefam’s (very OOC) responses to him recklessly endangering himself again only enforced these destructive habits?

2. Firefam’s OOC reaction: In literally every other episode, when Buck recklessly endangers himself the firefam immediately put the brakes on, tell Buck to treasure himself, not to be reckless, to think things through, to realize that the victim got out because of sheer good luck (as well as hair-brained thinking on Buck’s part, but some of Buck’s decision making also really endangered him, more on that later.) The fact that Bobby let Buck work that fire at all in the state of mind he was in is odd. The fact that Hen told him he was for whatever reason correct in choosing to split from the party and go on his own in his current state of mind was beyond odd. Looking back, it doesn’t feel like real moments, but rather contrivances dressed in nice words like “I don’t this often but you’re right” (NO HE’S F**KING NOT!!) so that we wouldn’t question them immediately. Was Buck correct that the other team needed anotehr man? Yeah. Was he right that it should be him? NOPE. Anyone could see that, we could see that, the Firefam could see that. but they let him go anyway. This is OOC, they’re smarter than that, and they’ve known Buck for long enough to know when he’s triggered and more likely to make poor decisions. During it, when Buck disobeys orders and Bobby is calmly just like “Yeah he does that sometimes.” I’m sorry, did someone put Xanax in Bobby’s coffee? Why on earth would he be so calm?? In a normal situation he would never be calm about that--add to it the fact that he KNEW Buck wasn’t at his most stable at the moment? He should have been shouting into his radio and hauling ass, not shrgging and smiling with pride like “Yup! It’s cool with me” like what?? Then afterward, nothing but kind words and praise. Good job risking your life like an idiot, good job risking the other guy because you were so determined to get him out asap you didn’t stop to think. That’s what you do, Buck. 

Like did they really just say that!?

The only nuance that I thought was right here, the only thing that was given emphasis that felt RIGHT, was not that Buck stays behind, not that he makes reckless decisions sometimes, not that he jumped into a fire while unstable, THE ONLY THING that should have been emphasized here, that the episode should have been based on? Is that BUCK DOESN’T GIVE UP. There’s a quality in him that we’ve seen before. one that Buck doesn’t seem to realize about himself. Athena’s moment was the only moment that looking back gives me any kind of cathartsis, because it is the only healthy reaction from the firefam that I saw (aside from them all running in after him--still love that moment.) they should’ve been gentle baout it, but nonetheless should’ve told Buck to treasure himself more, not be like “And here’s our most rekless memeber, pat on the back, kid, we love that you throw yourself into danger without thinking, in fact that’s what we love most about you!” Thinking back, I could SCREAM that that’s the message they left Buck with.

3. The victim: Let’s face it, the only reason the victim didn’t die is because the writers didn’t want him to. They made sure the tank landed somewhere non-fatal so that Buck could still get a win, even though many of his decisions thus far had been hare-brained and ill-advised, driven by a mad need to prove himself, and to never leave people behind, even if stopping and waiting and thinking might be more advisable at some points. In fact, when the victim first falls, and buck wakes up and he looks at him and I thought the victim was dead, first of all I was really sad for the victim, but I also felt like that was the right way to go. Buck’s decision making wasn’t sound, he wasn’t thinking straight, he went in anyway, by all rights the only reason the victim stayed alive after everything he went through was because the writers wanted him to stay alive which they followed with a big and in my opinion inappropriate Pat on the back Moment. The victim dying would’ve been tragic, but it would’ve driven home a lesson for buck, that hurting himself, endangering himself isn’t the answer, won’t always save the day. It would’ve taught Buck (harshly yes, but) that he needs to get his head  on straight in this job. And if he had lost teh victim and the firefam had been there for him anyway, it would’ve been a whole different scenario.

In the episode, while it was super sweet and had some incredible moments, Buck learns nothing, his relationship with the Firefam doesn’t actually change at all, and his relationship with his family doesn’t appear to have actually progressed. He’s still prioritizing them over himself (bringing the parents into therapy since well, they’re trying which is apparently enough now), he’s now been encouraged to continue the reckless streak of self-sacrificing decision making that he’s been on in the past in order to gain teh love and recognition of the poeple around him.

I wish the writers had placed focus, not on Buck being accepting, not on Buck being restless, but on Buck not giving up. We saw bits of that yeah, but it wasn’t as highlighted as Buck ebing reckless and feeling overall like he’s not enough. I wish the episode had been centered there, and they had created an entirely different scenario start-to-finish that (like in Eddie begins, where there were no contrivances, the only reckless thing he does--cutting the line--is something that there isn’t a quetsion in a single brain he WOULD do and should do) where Buck is level-headed, where he’s in some kind of scenario where only he could uniquely succeed in because he never gives up. This episode had bits of it here and there, but ultimately what was running teh day was buck vulnerabilities, not his strengths. Insead of pointing out where Buck shines (like the other Begins episodes), they really only further highlighted what his weaknesses are and then proceeded to have the people around him encourage those weaknesses. Like, what?!

I also think this was the moment to solidify the firefam as his family. Instead, we see Buck retreating back toward a very unhealthy family situation and the firefam remains where they always are. What they did for buck in this episode was something incredible, but it’s also something they would do for any member of the firefam. What I wanted was for the firefam to show up for Buck in a way that he uniquely needs. How, I don’t know--perhaps taking a jab at his loneliness, surprising him with a dinner party at the loft, whatever. Something that told Buck “we see your pain, we see how tough your parents are, how you and Maddie need family who will show up and treasure you no matter what (WHICH BTW INCLUDES YELING AT YOU WHEN YOU’VE BEEN AN IDIOT AND TELLING YOU TO PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF CRAP DON’T ENDANGER YOURSELF LIKE THAT AGAIN, PLEASE VALUE YOURSELF), that’s what Buck needed. An episode that would help him learn to treasure himself, believe in himself more, love the fact that he never gives up about himself, learn that dangerous stunts and running into things without thinking because he bleives that’s what gets him love is incorrect and unecessary. We didn’t get any of that. The episode was also trying to kill two birds with one stone, which brings me to my last point:

4. Framing Buck Begins around the sibling’s relationship, while GORGEOUS (seriously LOVED these moments they did and the casting was amazing, and both JLH and OS played their younger selves to perfection) I wish had been placed in a completely different episode. They didn’t belong here in an episode of Buck learning about himself. And because of the amount of airtime they took up, we ended up with an episode where Buck doesn’t really learn about himself in the end. Everything remains largely external instead of internal.

All in all, I feel like we need another Buck Begins episode to right the wrongs of this one. Nothing has been solved or fixed. Buck’s relationships remain pretty much the same going in as they do leaving. He has found no peace, no resolution (except in confirmation that Maddie loves him, which is nice, but largely external) he is still fuled by the belief that reckless behavior is what wins him teh love and attention of those around him.

This frustrates me to no end. If you feel like Buck Begins did scratch every itch for you, I’d love to talk and see your perspective as well, because I hate this itchy feeling of dissatisfaction and I dearly hope I’ve missed something here.

Anyway sorry this got so long. Didn’t realize I had QUITE so many thoughts until I started writing and then shit happened. If you made it to the end, thank youa nd I’d LOVE to hear your thoughts, whether you agree or disagree.

Starlight - Trip Tucker

One word request: Trip Tucker + Starlight A/N: I liked writing this! also I miss trip I should rewatch ent asap. enjoy reading! :)

‘Trip.’ you say rather firmly.  ‘What?’ he says innocently. ‘Remove your hand from my ass.’ you say. ‘Was just helping you up.’ says Trip. ‘We are on duty.’ you whisper-shout at him.

You are currently stuck in a jefferies tube, doing some small repairs. Trip, your boyfriend, thought he’d help you up. You’re lucky no crew member saw you. Your relationship with Trip is still a secret, though you feel like any day Trip could expose you because he’s such a damn tease. Can’t seem to keep his hands to himself for one minute. 

‘Whatever you say, starlight.’ says Trip, and he lets go of you. You roll your eyes and continue to work. You’re officially not an engineer, you’re a science officer. However, you’re often found in engineering when Trip needs an extra hand and suddenly all of the other engineers are busy or not on duty.

You know it’s an excuse to spend time with him. And though you’re grateful for every moment you get to spend with him, you did tell him he can’t ask you to come down to engineering every time the two of you are on duty. Simply because people would start to notice. 

When you’re done with the repairs, you get down and hand the tools back to Trip. ‘All fixed.’ you say. ‘Next time you need someone to climb into the jefferies tube, you can ask Hoshi, she’s shorter than me, I had to squeeze myself in there.’

Trip raises his eyebrows at you and you laugh. ‘Kidding.’ you say. ‘I’m always happy to help out my favorite engineer.’ 

You quickly look around the room. There’s a handful of crew members, but they’re all busy with their tasks, not paying attention to you and Trip. Therefore, you quickly lean in and kiss Trip’s cheek. 

‘See you at dinner.’ you say cheerfully before leaving engineering. 

Though you and Trip try your best to keep your relationship private, the two of you figured there’d be nothing wrong with the two of you having dinner in the mess hall. Half of the time, other crew members joined you, and it would be weird if you started avoiding each other.

And, on top of getting to spend time with each other, if you had been working late, you could take a walk around the ship without anyone seeing you. Given that private moments rarely happened, taking a walk after you finish having dinner had always been your favorite activity to do with Trip.

Luckily, today is one of those late shifts. Though you’re exhausted, you’re happy when you and Trip finish dinner and you can go for a short walk. There’s still a few people working, and you don’t want to be caught holding hands. You do walk very close to him, though.  

You’re telling Trip a funny story about your time at the Academy. You and Hoshi, your roommate at the time, had gotten in trouble at a bar and there just so happened to be a highly ranked officer present, who saw the whole thing. 

But when you look to your left to see Trip’s reaction, you’re sure he didn’t listen to a thing you said. He looks at you and there’s a smile on his lips.

‘Did you hear what I just said?’ you ask him. ‘Nah.’ he says truthfully. ‘Was too busy lookin’ at you.’ You chuckle and playfully roll your eyes. ‘Do you ever hear a word I say?’ you say. ‘Yea, ‘course.’ says Trip. ‘You look beautiful, starlight.’

You jump a bit when someone clears their throat. You look over Trip’s shoulder and see none other than Captain Archer, as well as Malcolm. Your eyes widen in horror and you look at Trip, hoping he knows how to get out of this. Trip turns around, looking at Archer and Malcolm.

‘Uh- what I meant was... the light from the stars. It’s really beautiful from this side of the ship.’ says Trip, stuttering. 

‘Yeah.’ you say, joining his story. ‘It’s like it’s brighter from this side of the ship.’ You quickly turn your head to look at Trip. ‘Do you still need me to help fix that thing in engineering, commander?’ you say, trying to sign with your eyes without Archer and Malcolm noticing.

‘Yep.’ he says. ‘Yeah, I definitely need help with that thing. Shall we?’ ‘Right away.’ you say and you quickly walk past Archer and Malcolm, closely followed by Trip.

Archer and Malcolm look at the two of you as you and Trip make your way to engineering. Once you’re out of their hearing range, Malcolm turns to Archer.

‘Do they really not know we figured them out a long time ago?’ says Malcolm. ‘Apparently not.’ says Archer, failing to suppress a smile.  ‘We should tell them, right?’ says Malcolm. ‘That we know?’ ‘Or we could just let it rest for a little while longer.’ says Archer, a slightly amused tone in his voice. ‘Let’s see if he accidentally calls her starlight when there’s other crew members around. I have a feeling Trip is going to let it slip, I’d bet on it.’

Malcolm holds out his hand to captain Archer. ‘I think Y/N is the one to let it slip. Want to actually bet on it?’ he says. ‘You’re on.’ says Archer and he shakes Malcolm’s hand.

A/N: If you want to request something, make sure to read my house rules Here’s the list of characters I write for. Everything that I have written can be found on my masterlist. Please don’t repost my work, as I spend much time and effort on it!! Thank you for reading! Much love, Jo