and in part 2 of my delirium audio journey - i've finished my first song for her! being a singer/songwriter is a pretty big part of my offline life, and i've been wanting for a while to turn those skills in a more fandom direction, so here's the first of what might hopefully be a full sandman fan album! (at the very least i have too many ideas to fit into a single song, so others are in the works - this one is inspired by the first page of comic lore we get about her; that her real tragedy is being one of the oldest beings in the universe and yet never seen as more than the baby of the family)

lyrics under the cut:

A long long time ago, there was a girl, who was a child, who thought the world would keep on turning every day at the same time

She was joy and she was bright, she was a beacon in the night, and everywhere she went she left the people merry

But time is broken, don't you know? It broke that long long time ago, and so did she, that girl of cheer and youth and fancy

And so they built a shield

So she'd not see

The world she left in misery

And never asked what she was now

Or if she'd become new somehow

I am every thought in you that says to lose yourself or break instead, so why do you think I need protecting?

And from what, it’s all me, but when you look at me you see a helpless little girl

I'm not your little girl

And so that girl went on and on, her pieces came together wrong, she grew in spirals and the world began to fear her

A foolish child lost and alone with nothing there to guide her home, and all she touched, they said, turned broken with no purpose

But see I don't think that's true, ‘cause Brother, I know more than you

I've seen our truth, I've seen our pain, I've seen our future

And so what happens now

I've found the cracks

We’re all a slave to what we lack

Each choice you make, you come undone

And still you laugh as if you've won

I am every storm cloud in the sky, I’m every fish that’s floating by, older than stars, older than skies, a child of Night, a child of Time

But all I’ve learned’s never worth anything at all

They just see little girl

Their endless little girl

Brother think he's scared of me

Sister always busy

Brother talks and talks but rarely sees

Brother never coming back

Sibling thinks it's all an act

Sister sitting, feeling lonely, think she’s fine, no think she’s only waiting for the day it all caves in

And I don’t know where I fit in

And then I break

And then I fall

And I know nothing

Nothing at all

Scared and defenseless 

Maybe they’re right

I’m just a little girl

But I’m the one who put the pieces back

The one who sealed up all the cracks

I’m not as sane

I’m not the same

But then I never needed that

And though I’ve changed I’m all I’ve ever been and more

Come see your little girl

No longer brittle girl

Became a bigger girl

Endlessly

Stan Talent, Stan Pentagon

So many reasons to stan Pentagon:

1. Self-Produced

They just have a ton of talented songwriters in here! Cube is popular for self-produced idols after all, like BtoB, another super talented group.

Hui is a composer-producer, not really a secret because he’s well-known as a genius as he also composed hit songs for other popular groups (such as Energetic by Wanna One)

Kino and Wooseok wrote a lot of songs in their albums too, including some of my favorites Spring Snow (Kino) and Nostalgia (Wooseok). Kino also wrote their special single Eternal Flame. Wooseok had a big contribution in writing my absolute favorite, Daisy (but mostly written by Hui), and honestly his songwriting talent seems to be underrated.

Jinho has also composed a few and helped write a lot. Yuto also composed songs (aside from his rap lines), one song being Camella that a lot of “unis” love. *Universe/Unis = fandom name

Both Kino and Yuto have their own soundclouds for the songs they write/produce.

Yeo One composed his own solo songs (yes, even as rookies, they were already composing), and they’re actually so good. 

Also, in general, they are so creative in their songs and performances. Example: their Road To Kingdom performances, and also their super fun b-sides like Round 1 and Round 2!

My personal favorites: Obviously the genius Hui, Wooseok (I love him so much!), and Kino (such a talented person)

2. Vocal Kings

Their main vocals (Hui and Jinho) are absolutely top-tier vocalists, two of the strongest ones in the kpop world (imo).

Jinho was LITERALLY a vocal coach of kpop stars. Incredible vocal range.

Their lead vocals Hongseok (actually now a main vocal) and Yeo One are potential main vocals! And their sub-vocals, Kino (honestly surprised he was a sub-vocal cause he’s waaaay too good to be sub!), Yan An and Shinwon, are on par or better than other groups’ lead vocals, imo.

Vocal kings of harmonization. I love it so much, they sound so good! They take after their sunbaes BtoB, the OG harmonization kings. (Song references: You Are, and Shine acapella version).

Wooseok and Yuto’s rap are also so good! Honestly, I go crazy sometimes, especially with Wooseok’s delivery.

Edit, random trivia: I actually found out Wooseok auditioned in Cube as a vocalist and a model. Thank God, he discovered his talent in rapping later on, because dang, this guy is SICK. His rap touches my heart. He is proof that the basis of what a good rapper is doesn’t need to be about how fast you can say your words.

My personal favorites: Hui, Jinho, and Yeo One (what a beautiful voice, and he’s so good and stable live, halp huhu, totally underrated), Wooseok’s rap (I’m a big fan, my eyes are filled with hearts)

3. Musical ability (in general) and Dance

Being composers/producers, they have a good understanding of music theory and techniques, especially for Hui (obviously, the genius), Jinho (as a vocal coach) and Kino (I think).

Musical Instruments: Almost all of them (except for Hongseok) plays musical instruments

Piano: Hui, Jinho, Kino, Shinwon - I have to make a special note here. These guys can really play. They’re not the type to say they play the piano but only press a few chords here and there a bit and sing a song. They play their keys!

Guitar: Yuto (he is really good! he posts electric guitar covers on Twitter), Wooseok, Jinho, Hui, Yeo One, Shinwon

Erhu (Chinese traditional instrument): Yan An - studied it for 10 years. Haha! This is so unique, I’ve never seen him play it, and it’s not exactly a useful instrument to have for kpop music, but I love it!

Edit: I also found out Wooseok can play the violin. Not only that, he’s won a violin competition.. I couldn’t believe it! Violin it’s such a hard instrument. It’s not easy to be good at violin, let alone win a violin competition. Wooseok really surprises me with the musical talent he has sometimes.

Dance: Quite obvious as a kpop idol group, even though admittedly they aren’t exactly the best as a whole group. 

But anyway, Kino is the main dancer. (Also known for being such a good dancer of girl group songs. Hihi cute)

Lead dancers: Hui, Yuto, Yeo One

Apparently, Kino is also the choreographer! I think he was the main choreographer for Daisy. (Don’t @ me, I’m not sure. But in general, yes, he does choreograph for the group.)

My personal favorites: Kino, Hui - this also includes stage presence.

4. Visuals

Their official visual is Yan An. (Pentagon is whipped for Yanan, btw.)

Other unofficial visuals, at least in my book: Yuto, Hongseok, Yeo One, Kino (but tbf, as a well-loved idol group, everyone becomes an unofficial visual)

Shinwon was actually a legit model before being an idol, and he became viral for being “the handsome part-timer” at a cafe Exo went to.

Men’s Health Korea models (YES, ACTUAL MEN’S HEALTH COVER BOYS aka gym freaks): Hongseok, Yeo One. *PS: I have a feeling Yuto will also be on there soon, one of these days

Let me just reiterate though that while Hongseok is known for his muscles, he more than his abs. He’s smart, funny, and talented, as you can see in this whole post. So yeah, basically, please don’t objectify him.

My personal favorites: Yuto (the reason why I checked Pentagon out in the first place! my heart went deugun deugun), Hongseok (what a great face, beautiful eyes), Yeo One (cutie), Kino (very very pretty face)

*check ending for gifs/pics*

5. Other talents

Acting

Literally THREE of them are musical theatre actors, and all were actually the main characters in their respective musicals: Jinho (already a theatre sunbae), Hui and Yeo One. Honestly, this shows both acting skills and strong vocal ability. (Imagine the strong vocal ability of the lead vocal, in PTG, Yeo One, a main character of a musical. It gives you an idea of how good the vocal line up is.)

I think some of them had some acting in dramas, like Hongseok and Yeo One

Update: Yanan and Wooseok are also on dramas/will be on dramas now. That makes almost everybody in Pentagon (still waiting for Yuto and Shinwon) an actor.

Another update: Kino is now hosting his second podcast with Dive Studios! :)

Randoms

Hongseok, Jinho and Kino speaks three languages pretty comfortably: Hongseok/Jinho (Korean, English, Chinese), Kino (Korean, English, Japanese) ---not super fluent but able to have good conversations. And foreigners Yanan (Korean, Chinese), and Yuto (Korean, Japanese) are obviously fluent bilinguals.

Kino drew and painted the album art for WE:TH / daisy. He even gifted a painted version to Hui for his studio!

6. Personality

Let me start by saying Pentagon is a crazy group. They aren’t really kids but they are so chaotic. I love that they have no filter!

Even the leader, Hui, who’s not really young, is very chaotic! Hui is actually such a cutie pie. And also so funny, especially in their TMIs

Hongseok is so funny, so witty, and has absolutely no shame. I love it!

Shinwon is very witty, and is known to be the mood-maker of the group.

Yeo One is a little 4D. He’s like a messy kid and sometimes has his own world. :)) An absolute cutie!!!

Kino is the sweetest person ever! He never fails to tell Universe how much he appreciates us.

Jinho is known to be the kind and caring hyung they can depend on.

My personal favorites: Hongseok (hilarious and crazy, has me dying), Hui, Yeo One (ugghhhh super cute personality!), Kino also!!!

Overall: They have a bunch of all-rounders! (My personal favorite all-rounders: Hui, Kino, and Yeo One) They’re so talented and deserve a lot of recognition and support.

Hui is my bias and my ult, but I can’t decide who’s my next bias.

Update: I think Kino is my next bias, cause he’s just so good, so multi-talented! I can’t with this guy. I’m even considering adding him to my ult list.

But my gosh, Changgu is absolutely adorable. Wooseok talent. Huhu idk if second tier bias or...

***Not to be this obsessive OT10 fan, but I really like Dawn (formerly E’Dawn), so I’m writing his skills as well: Great composer (Shine, one of my faves huhu), such a great Rapper (he gets some amount of hate for his voice, but I actually really like it!), Main Dancer (what a good dancer tbh), and very unique personality. I love him, he’s so talented. (But anyway, even with him gone, Pentagon isn’t lacking! They’re still so great!)

If you wanna see my fave visuals, click below:

The legendary Yuto ponytail

PG-13 Hongseok GIFs only!!!

Also PG-13 Changgu only 

Sweet sweet Kino

My Six The Musical Review

Once again nobody cares— BUUUT I saw SixChicago yesterday with Adrianna Hicks as Aragon, Andrea Macasaet as Bolyen, Abby Mueller as Seymour, Brittney Mack as Cleves,  Anna Uzele as Parr. Here are somethings I noticed (essentially this is a rundown of everything you wouldn’t get just from listening to the album lol) ((Also im so tired and its 12.28 am and im sorry for any mistakes))

❤️💚💛💗🖤💙

👑 So before the show, they were playing a ton of pop music, but it was on an instrument that kinda sounded like a lute or harpsichord. 👑 When the Queens walked out from behind the curtain in a single file line to take their place on stage, the crowd went crazy. They all came out through a tiny crack in the curtain,, but when they belt “LIIIIVE” the curtain falls to the floor as is dragged off stage. 👑During the dance breaks in Ex-Wives, they go from dancing hip hop, to dancing with each other in a style they would’ve done back then to the beat. It was cute. 👑It was so weird hearing their accents! I’m always expecting “divooced” but it felt like they were almost emphasizing the r “ divoRRced” 👑Before Catherine of Aragon starts singing in Ex-Wives she says “Remember us from PBS??” 👑When Jane Seymour sings her bit in the song she moves Stage Left and when the Queens all say “Hey!” She looks surprised and shrugs, continuing to sing 👑Anna really played up the “JA’s” during her bit and IT WAS SO CUTE (you will find I am partial to clever, bc my gay ass is in love with her.) 👑There is so much dialogue!! After they say “Chicago!! How’re you doing tonight!!” They say we are “SIIIIX” in their harmonies and “Welcome to our divorced, beheaded, LIVE TOUR” 👑Aragon says “WE HAVE SO MUCH IN STORE FOR YOU TONIGHT— WE HAVE THE RIFFS TO RUFFLE YOUR RUFFS” before she does a really sick riff 👑A few of the other queens add on to that,, I forgot what they said but then  Howard says “AND A WHOLE LOT OF HISTORY” and Parr cuts her off and says “OR AS WE SAY A WHOLE LOT OF HERSTORY” 👑then they introduce their band (who are on the stage with then) as their ladies in waiting and I was soft 👑 So then they go on to explain the deal with the show; they are all competing against each other for the crown of the “ultimate” queen based on who had to put up with the most shit from Henry 👑 When they’re going down the line to explain why they say 💛Who lasted longest was the strongest 💚The biggest sinner is obvs the winner 🖤 I have no idea what Seymour said I don’t remember DX ❤️Who was most chased is first place 💗The most glorious will be victorious 💙The winning contestant was the most protestant (but she says it so it rhymes with contestant and then all the queens look at her like ??? And she sighs and says ‘protestant’ with its correct pronunciation 👑Aragon says “How in the purgatory are they gonna choose a leading lady??” 👑”The queen to take the crown will be the one who had the biggest, the firmest, the fullest…. LOAD OF BS TO DEAL WITH FROM THE MAN WHO PUT A RING ON IT 👑There is a reprise of Ex-wives but this time they change the lyrics to “welcome to the show to the coronation” 👑💛lol Aragon cut the reprise off and was like “It doesn’t matter, because I’m the winner” and then she asked the drummer for a beat 👑💛So with the beat, Aragon begins to tell her story, and the bass is strumming the baseline for no way 👑💛”Okay, I’m thinking its… a bit weird they want me to marry my… dead husbands brother”… 👑💛So then she continues recounting the story and she says “I saw lipstick on his collar and I’m like… okAY… so now he wants to annul our marriage and moves this sidekick into mY palace and wants me in a CONVENT” and she’s on a RANT so she pauses and breathes really heavily before smiling really widely and sighing “Now… I don’t think I look that good in a wimple so I said. No. Way.”  And the song starts immediately after that 👑💛Idk what else to say except that Aragon was a total badass and Adrianna Hicks  was a fucking QUEEN 👑💛When she asks him to name when she’s ever caused him pain, she’s all the way upstage on the same platform/semi circle that the band is on, and she’s on her knees kinda begging kinda. She pauses for a LONG time and waits for an answer and her face is smug when she’s like “no?” 👑💛She said “I had the most to deal with AND I hit that high c so that crown is mine,” 👑The other Queens stop her and are like theres another really REALLY IMPORTANT one… the one that overlapped with you who is she?? The famous one that people actually care about!” Then they all start chanting “The one you’ve been waiting for” and the lighting turns green,, while they’re chanting, Anne Boleyn looks really confused and shrugs and walks to the back of the stage and picks up her phone 👑💚The Queens eventually say “The temptresssssss” and they hold it out like a snake “ANNE BOLYEN” and they sing this very choir like 👑💚They all turn to her and Anne is just sitting there cackling at whatever is on her phone and she’s like “ Whoops sorry,,” and Don’t loose your head starts 👑💚Andrea Macasaet has SUCH a high pitched voice she was absolutely ADORABLE 👑💚When she said “get ahead” she smirked and everyone laughed 👑💚Instead of her voice going down on “Pret a Manger,” it got even higher almost In a mocking French accent. 👑💚She is pissing Aragon the fuck off this entire song lol 👑💚When she says “Are you blind??” She gestures between she and Aragon 👑💚 “What was I meant to do?” Is sung like a confused toddler lol 👑💚 So the bit where they play the wedding song, all the queens bow to her and she walks past, smiling and waving and she gets to the end of the line and is like “Hold up,, let me tell you how it went down HENRY’S OUT EVERY NIGHT …. Etc” 👑💚”Bro just shut up!” Instead of mate 👑💚She even asks the band what was she meant to do, and everyone is repeating her and she screams “OH MY GOD SERIOUSLY HE REALLY WANTS TO CUT MY HEAD OFF” 👑💚and then she grins again after a long silence and she’s all smug like “I guess he really liked my head…..” While kinda licking her lips lol 👑💚DEAR GOD HER RIFFS JESUS FUCKING HREHTTLTURHGUEHURL 👑💚And she was like “yeah… that was such a weekend… I like died… and it was so extra! So im clearly the winner. So now, I have to sing a song I wrote when I found out that Catherine of Aragon had died. Its called WEAR YELLOW TO A FUNERAL SING IF YOU KNOW THE WORDS. And the bass came in and Boleyn sings “Catherine was a massive C-” and the other Queens immediately shut her up 👑Aragon and Boleyn start arguing until Seymour is like “its my turn now…” 👑Everyone looks at het before they burst out laughing, telling her ‘bye’ and ‘girl, please’ 👑And Seymour is like yeah,, I was in love and I was really really lucky. 👑🖤 And Seymour goes into this really heartbreaking monologue about how she missed her songs future and how she had a picture of her family. She said that Henry was really sweet and that she loved him 👑Boleyn cuts her off and is like “yeahhhh,, there was this one really cute time where he, like, cut my head off :) 👑🖤Seymour said that Aragon and Boleyn were badasses. Then she said that she promised to always stay by his side and didn’t yell at him back like the other two because she loved him. Then she dedicated the song to him 👑🖤Heart of Stone started and honestly,,, its not my favorite song and I usually skip it. But mY GOODNESS. Abby Mueller is a fucking goddess wow. The amount of control she has on her voice is astounding 👑🖤(fun fact abt me— I have perfect pitch lol)  they pitch changed it into A major and it transposes into B major which was SO BEAUTIFUL. It made me actually like the song lol 👑🖤Its not really eventful,, she just stands in the middle of the stage. 👑Seymour is like,, “what hurts more than a broken heart?” And  Boleyn is like “A chopped off head” 👑Almost immediately  after it transfers to Cleves and she’s like “soo he’s running out of options in England he had to expand his fields and adjust his location settings to find his next queen. We are Heading to Germany where  he got the help of Han….. 👑At some point during the song, the other queens ran off stage to get their glasses and ruffs 👑They all run back on stage in their glasses and ruffs (Cleves still hasn’t said his last name yet) and they all whisper “Holbien” 👑WELCOME TO THE HOUSE 👑lol this song is SO funny… and Cleves is so fucking adorable (she was flossing at some point). The dancing was so… German…it was hilarious. 👑So after the song is done,, the girls still have their ruffs and glasses on and it kinda turns into a mobile app like tinder.. 👑Basically there are two queens before Cleves and they all stand up and walk downstage as they are introduced, they smile and their picture is taken and they wait for about two seconds before Henry swipes left or right. 👑The two in front of Cleves are played by Parr and Howard. 👑After Cleves is selected their is a Holbein reprise 👑❤️The other queens run off taking the ruffs and Cleves is left on the stage sighing comically several times. She’s at the back of the stage sitting on a makeshift stone 👑❤️”Its the tragic story of a princess-educated, savvy, young- deemed ugly by an ulcer-ridden, wheezing, winkled man 20 years her senior.” 👑❤️WHATS A MORE DEVASTATING FATE THAN BEING FORCED INTO A BEAUTIFUL PALACE IN RICHMOND WITH MORE MONEY THAN I COULD EVER SPEND AND NO MAN TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH IT 👑❤️Get down is also key changed 👑❤️When she sings “I’m the Queen of the castle” she is skipping across the stage 👑❤️When she gives her fur to the footman, she actually takes off her coat and hands it to one of the queens. The crowd went crazy and she’s like “guys stop,’ and like acting all shy but secretly enjoying it-she says “Okurrrrrrrrr” . Then she’s like “AS YOU WERE” and everyone is quiet lol 👑❤️the part where it slows down and she’s like “SIT DOWNNN YOU DIRTTTY RrrrrrASCALLL” she opera sings it and I shat myself 👑❤️she uses her microphone as a lute lol 👑❤️YOU CANT (nope) STOP (nuh-uh) YOU CANT STOP ME 👑❤️At some point she squeezes her boob. I love her. 👑❤️after she kills us all by belting that last note she points to a girl in the front row and is like “YOU IN THE PINK DRESS!” and she gestures for her to stand up. And the girl stands up and they bop together with Cleves ad libbing in the background 👑❤️Eventually she says “Okay sugar this is my song, GET DOWN” 👑❤️And then after a moment of silence she’s like “So yeah it was really tragic…” 👑Aragon is like that doesn’t sound difficult at all and Ceves is like “oh… yeah.. I probably won’t win this thing… WELP BACK TO THE PALACE!” 👑the queens argue more and honestly it’s iconic 👑Seymour is yelling at Aragon and her voice is so loud and Cleves interrupts her and is like “guys,… I have the plague” and they all gasp and she’s like “HAHA JUST KIDDING MY LIFES AMAZING” they roll their eyes and Parr is like “our next queen! K HOWARD!” And everyone is like who??? 👑Aragon is like “ The least relevant Catherine,,” and Boleyn is like “Yeahhh i get it and I still don’t care,,,”
👑Howard is like “You’re right… I need all the help I can compete. What happened to you was terrible,, and so were you songs,,” Then she proceeded to roast everyone. She says “Anne you obviously had it worse I mean you lost your head……. Oh wait…..” 👑💗And then she says “but seriously Anna, getting rejected for your looks really sucks…. cant relate…I’m really hot…. So yeah. I can compete like this” or smthing and then all you wanna do starts. 👑💗At the beginning of the song the queens touch her everywhere and she leans into it willingly 👑💗Blowing the flute,, she winks at the audience and when she says C-D she puts her hand in front of her crotch and squeezes. 👑💗 “There was this guy… Francis and he asked me to be his little piece of aaaasssssss…istant! 👑💗The song goes from upbeat to upsetting very very quickly after Francis she starts to become less trusting and she gets more disoriented as the show goes on. 👑💗”Apparently men only hire women to get them into their private chamber… times were different then…” 👑💗When she says “He says  we have this connection,”  about Henry Seymour comes from behind her and touches her stomach — all you can see is her hand touching her sensually. She looks a little surprised and then she’s like “I guess its not so different..” 👑💗By the time we get to Thomas Culpepper she is flustered and VERY uncomfortable. The girls are all touching her now and she looks down and stares at their hand before pushing them away and finishing the end of the song. she keeps pushes them away but they keep coming back. She looks utterly heartbroken and you can see her unraveling. 👑💗THAT RIFF WAS SO GGHRSILGBRLGKJBJL 👑💗she screams “WHEN WILL ENOUGH BE ENOUGH” as they keep touching her and she fails as she pushes them away. 👑💗Eventually she gets them off but she ends up by herself on the stage with her face facing up and a dim pink spotlight is on her. 👑💗There is a chilling silence and then she’s smiling and says ‘YEAH and then I was beheaded and I won this competition!” 👑Then they get into another argument. Boleyn starts talking about how her beheading was more relevant because Henry humiliated her more and Aragon was like,,, um I won the humiliation game and she counts her mistresses 👑Then they start yelling about the miscarriages they had and Boleyn says she has three and Aragon says “You know what Anne BO-LOSER I HAD FIVE” and Parr is like “this is not okay, don’t compare miscarriages, thats hella insensitive” and they push her to the center and tell her to sing her song 👑Theres a random baseline again and Parr looks like she’s about to start singing but she stops and says,,”I’m good,” and tries to go off stage. They all accuse her of being a sore loser because she survived and knows that she had no chance of winning. 👑Parr is like,,, NO its pitting us against each other and the queens all groan  and make fun of her and she’s like okay,, imma sing the song then. And Katherine Howard says “Are you sure?? Are you sure you dont want to stick to backing vocals where you belong?” 👑💙And Parr softly says “Queens take a seat,” before turning to the pianist and saying “Can you give me a Bb maj7, please?” 👑💙Parr shuts down all the queens and says her life wasn’t all rainbows because she survived. And she talks about her love tom, and I never realized that the song is a letter to tom. She starts off “Dear Tom, You know I love you boy,” 👑💙 Anna Uzele was so fucking good. And Tbh,, this is my least favorite song so I don’t remember much about the staging (I’m sorry) 👑💙Side note,, parr is such a badass and an amazing woman 👑At the end of the song, she turns to the queens and is like “without Henry we all disappear ,” and Boleyn is like “I don’t get it” and parr asks “How does anyone know who we are” and Boleyn is like “mY SiX fInGeRs-“ before Aragon cuts her off and is like “Put it away, baby” 👑Parr then asks Henry the 7 and 6’s wives names and nobody can answer. “but, when we get together as a group-“ Boleyn cuts her off and is like “EVERYONE NOTICES THAT JANE CAN’T DANCE!” “NO WE COMPARE OURSELVES” 👑when Boleyn finally gets it she explains the situation like she’s an encyclopedia and it was so funny and fast and oMG 👑”UGH if we had realized this before we started we could have done something else like make a fake competition to show everyone how messed up comparing us is and then we could reclaim our story and all become the leading ladies…” “:/ and they are all saying this dialogue its just split up and I dont remember it very well 👑IF ONLY WE HAD THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE 👑then they look at each other and smirk at the audience before reprising Parr’s song as “We don’t need your love,” 👑Which was so good bc THEY DON’T NEED HENRY’S LOVE YES 👑Then they point out “We might only be remember for marrying the same man,, but why does anyone give a sh- who he is? It’s because of his,,” then they all harmonize ’SIIIIIIX WIVES’ 👑AND WE ALL HAVE A ROYAL HAPPY EVER AFTER but Boleyn cuts Seymour off and is like “But we didn’t” 👑then they go onto explain how none of them had happy endings and they’re like,, but we can rewrite them! So they do and that leads into Six which is such a soft song. 👑Six, actually starts off very slowly. It speeds up after they say “we’re six” 👑It was such an energy ending I was speechless and gold confetti poured down on them and OMG I was shaken to my core. 

An Ephemeral Eternity in Seven Parts - Steve Rogers x Reader

MASTERLIST Warnings: Gifs aren’t mine. My English. Also, last sentence - well, maybe it’s the start of something new.  Word Count~ 7k.  Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V Part VI PART  VII

 The melancholic notes of the guitar accompanied her soft and broken voice in a song that reminded very much of a lamentation of her past, her present and her future.

 Everything she touched, begun to decay. Everyone she loved, had only ended up unloved, depressed, addicted or alone. It had made her wonder if she was the one; if she was the wolf dressed as the little red riding hood. What if everyone around her was simply a helpless sheep and to prowl for her next meal she clothed herself in love and kindness, only to poison those closest to her until they are damaged beyond repair. She could only ever ruin so many relationships before she understood that the devil lived inside of her making her a toxic landfill disguised in fake beautiful grass and flowers - she had never been afraid of the monster in her closet, she had always been terrified by the one she saw in the mirror.  She didn't remember which night it was - the one she left, like a thief, not making a sound, knowing that he heard her. It made her decision easier when he didn't even try to stop her. It was selfish - he had been badly broken too. She felt the failure calling out her name - she couldn't make it better for him because she was a mess. She had lost herself and she wasn't sure she wasn't sure she wanted to be found. And so she left. She took a few clothes with her and left.  She had no solid plan for her days ahead. She couldn't find a point to it. She had wandered aimlessly when she found herself in a small city that did not speak English. She had smiled painfully to herself. A stranger among strangers. 

Not long after her decision to stay there for a while, she had to find a way to earn some money in order to get by. The kind old lady, who had helped her with almost everything, seeing in her face the granddaughter she had lost just mere weeks before she turned up in her door - since she was one of the very few people who spoke English -  had offered her a job she thought it would suit her. There was a small place where those who stayed behind went to drink and listen to old and soft songs about loss, love and pain. They were missing a singer. She had thought why not.  Isabella had been nothing but kind and sweet, just like a real grandmother - not that she had met one.  "Grief is a deeply personal and solitary journey. No one can truly feel or understand your loss but you, even those who have experienced it themselves. But grief is also love, and for that reason it has a right to exist and be felt. It is the debt we owe our memories. It is the final way we love someone" she had soothed her after the first time she heard her sing. There was pain in her voice, even when she sung in Spanish. She had never believed it would cost her everything. Yet, it did. 

 Months flew by as she had fallen into a simple yet so human routine. Many handsome men had threw themselves to her but she had closed herself, letting no one in. She had lost people along the way. She had left others behind. She had cut them out of her life, sometimes uncertain if it was the right decision. Looking back, she had done things she might have regretted now. This quieter life she had now was closer to the one she had been dreaming the cold nights that she had been held by HYDRA or trained by Madam B. She couldn't sake the feeling that something was missing - she was different and she hadn't ever realized. The girl from her past wasn't the woman she had grown to be.  "Hay un hombre guapo buscándote, cariño" Isabella suddenly told her, making her slightly jump from the couch she had been seated for at least two hours, starring at the wall. Seeing her lost eyes, Isabella sat down next to her and took her hands in hers.  "Listen, cariño. Love transcends gender, age, political beliefs; it crosses borders. It’s literally the strongest motivator and force we have. It makes people do things they can’t explain. And it comes in all forms and it comes when you least expect it and it comes and it goes and it changes and people have spent years and wrote books and studied the stars trying to understand it. And sometimes it’s the boy you called over to get over,  the boy you were crying about and sometimes it’s the girl you grew up next door to your whole life and sometimes it’s a friend who saved your soul or a baby you didn’t expect. But it’s all around us in forms yet to be manifested- letters yet to be written, hands yet to be held. And all goodness stems from it and it literally changes the world. So even though it sometimes causes us pain and it drags us into situations we didn’t ask for, we can never close ourselves off to it or give up on it. We have to keep loving because it’s the closest thing we have to magic and without it we’re just a conscious pile of bones and life means nothing. Ve hacia el" and just like that, from the mouth of someone who used to be a stranger, the entire meaning of life and love and pain was summed up into a minute of hope. Isabella had lost her son and her granddaughter, everyone she ever loved and yet, there she was telling her to embrace life with its bad and its good. Tears she had no idea when they escaped, were running down her face. "Mi bella Isabella, gracias por tu sabiduría. Gracias por tu amor. But if I go to him, I'll leave you and I can't do that to you" she told her truthfully. Isabella just shook her head and smiled.  "I'll always be here. Go to him, cariño". She kissed her cheek and hugged her as tightly as she would love to be hugged. She had been everything she was missing.

 As the song went on, her eyes fell on him - he had just entered the place. And every memory she kept tacked away, came back rushing through her veins. In her head, she could hear Isabella's words but her heart just didn't want to get hurt again. She knew the moment he talked to her, she would succumb her entire being to his hands. 

War was the only dance he had ever known and she wished they could have had more time amid the chaos and fire and blood to show him that there could be another way. She fell in love with the way he saw the world, the way he saw her... She fell in the chasm of his soul and his light. She would gladly drown in the darker half of the sea to hold him in her arms for more than just that single night of peace. She had been aware that they had met and they had loved in a warzone and even though his kisses had melted away the gunfire, they still held echoes of the fire burning in him but she knew hers were the same. He had been worth the risk time and time again because with his hand burning into her skin, she had hope once more ... and the blood that had stained him couldn't take away his goodness and the stars that had betrayed him, didn't mean she forsaken her devotion. There had always been a rage built inside their souls, just like this love was worthy of burning empires down ... screams that follow them all the way home only to be quieted when she kissed the blood from his lips... and even when the universe will force them to part he will remain, echoing in her heart that only belonged to him. She knew that they were the ugly parts of the love story but she also knew they were the beautiful ones too. The song came to an end and she went to the table she held every night, the one far away from the lights and the people. Eyes never leaving his, she nodded for him to join her, as she poured herself a glass of red wine. He had never been so afraid of a moment and its impact. He had no idea what to say to her or how to be around her, when she poured and offered him another glass of wine.  "I didn't know you could sing" he told her before he hid his face in his hands, only to resurface as red as a tomato. She tried to swallow her laughter but failed.  "You're still not good with women, Steve" and just by saying his name, her heart places itself in his hands. He smiled brightly even though he had messed up his opening line, it had worked out. She was sipping her wine with a fondness he had never seen before. Maybe leaving was the best thing she had done - and he would be selfish to ask her back. Again. Not leaving her alone, to decide her own path. He needed her in a way he hadn't needed anyone since...  "I will come back Steve. But I need you to promise me that we will search and search over and over again for a way to undo this -and if we don't find one it will be because there isn't, not because we overlooked it" she told him boldly with her eyes a soft lilac color, as she looked over her shoulder, signaling to someone to approach them He was taken aback. He believed that she wouldn't even want to talk about what had happened. He had seen the way Bucky had looked at her before he... and he had already suspected his feelings towards her. Steve knew it had a great impact on her - not that it had been the only reason for her breakdown. After realizing her new powers she had refused to use them because they were the reason half of the planet was dead. He looked at her with a new found admiration - she was the bigger person.  "Of course. May I ask why?" he prepared himself to hear a reason he wouldn't like, instead, his heart broke a little bit more.  She smiled and stood up to give her sit to an old woman he had never seen before. It was the first time Steve saw this side of her.  "Isabella, este es Steve. Ese hombre guapo que me estaba buscando" she spoke in Spanish making him question if he knew her at all. Isabella took his hands into hers and looked at him just like his mother would have, which caused some tears to appear. They got to know each other and he realized that she had never felt the love of a family - and she craved it. When Isabella said her goodnight, having already invited him to spend the night in her house, she grew quiet. She knew he was waiting for an answer. "She is the reason why. She lost everything - her son, her granddaughter - and yet she hasn't lost hope. She told me to live life with everything that comes with it and embrace it because it's all we got.  She is the reason I am talking to you. She told me 'go to him' because love is the closest thing we have to magic and I couldn't just tell her I have magic running through my veins but couldn't save her family" she said with fire in her words and determination pouring over her. 

It felt wrong. Being back, felt wrong. She had followed him once again, but this time she hadn't found the people she had last time. She felt out of time – as if she didn’t belong. No one was waiting for her; Natasha was broken and Tony was nowhere near the place. Maybe she had been naïve for trusting him again; deep down she knew the only thing they had been left with was bitterness. She spent her days reading, training and trying out different things. Steve had an unhealthy need to fill Sam’s shoes as he had begun some group session. The irony was obvious to her; He was telling them, urging them to move on while he would never. She had seen as much in his eyes when they were talking about his past and the beginnings of his story – way before he became Captain America. There was one particular story he didn’t feel like sharing and she understood why – but also bothered her. She had kept her promise and had searched everything in order to find a way to undo this. She had spent days and nights looking for an answer. There had been times she felt so useless she wouldn’t get out of her room – nobody dared to disagree with her on those days. Slowly yet steadily, Steve and her grew distant and she felt as if they were miles apart even when they were sitting right next to each other. Being positive had never been one of her assets and that fake optimism Steve had, got on her nerves. Then again, maybe it was just his way of coping with the events. She had found herself longing to leave the base and go back to Isabella’s house more than enough times to realize that she never felt at home in the Avenger’s base. And the years flew by without even noticing it. The only thing new must had been the fact that she met Carol, a woman with many of her own powers and a life experience to match them. Other than that, Natasha had been obsessing over Clint – who had gone dark after his family disappearance. She could never say that all of those people had died – they had just dusted away. Which was the same and she had been fooling herself for a very long time. Steve had been the positive fucking little unicorn in front of others but he was so lost when they were alone. A raccoon was sending them emails with reports and Nebula wanted to get revenge a tad more than all of them combined.  She knew things were bound to be different, but she couldn’t recognize anything anymore. She had been drifted away from those around her because she didn’t feel a connection to them anymore – the only thing they had in common was anger. She had just made a cup of coffee when Steve walked in, finding Natasha on the verge of crying as he went on about the bright side, but Nat wasn’t having it. She just plopped down next to Natasha, smiling towards Steve without even bothering to listen to their conversation but her eye caught something. Something unexpected. “Oh! Hi. Hi! Is anyone home? This is Scott Lang. We met a few years ago, at the airport? In Germany? I got really big, and I had my mask on. You wouldn't recognize me” Scott Lang was rumbling on at their front gate. Before she could register their reactions, she had buzzed him in and left the room running towards him. “Have you ever studied Quantum Physics?” Scott asked them a moment later. “Only to make conversation” came a sarcastic answer by Natasha, which didn’t bring him down. “Alright. So... five years ago, right before Thanos, I was in a place called the Quantum Realm. The Quantum Realm is like its own microscopic universe. To get in there, you have to be incredibly small. Hope, she's my... She was my... She was supposed to pull me out. And then Thanos happened, and I got stuck in there” he said while he was struggling not to tell the entire truth about their relationship. “I'm sorry. That must've been a very long five years” Natasha sincerely told him only to be shocked when he replied the most unbelievable thing. “Yeah, but that's just it. It wasn't. For me, it was five hours”. Steve and Nat shared a quick bewildered glance, while she had figured it out, because she had indeed studied Quantum Physics. “See, the rules of the Quantum Realm aren't like they are up here. Everything is unpredictable. Is that anybody's sandwich? I'm starving” Scott said as he strode over to pick up Nat's sandwich, and bit into it. “Scott, what are you talking about?” Steve asked him confused and puzzled. “What he is saying is, time works differently in the Quantum Realm” she chimed in, gaining a strange look from Steve and a very impressed one from Scott. “The only problem is right now, we don't have a way to navigate it. But what if we did? I can't stop thinking about it. What if, we could somehow control the chaos, and we could navigate it? What if there was a way to enter the Quantum Realm at a certain point in time but then exit at another point in time? Like...” he went on. “Like before Thanos” she half-whispered. “Wait, are you two talking about a time machine?” Steve asked as he couldn’t believe his ears. “No. No, of course not. No, not a time machine. It's more like a... Yeah, a time machine. I know it's crazy. But I can't stop thinking about it. There's gotta be some way... There's gotta be...some w... it's crazy” his craziness was making her head dizzy. She knew they would have to talk to her father, sooner or later. She hoped it would be later but that was not gonna the case. “Scott, I get e-mails from a raccoon, so nothing sounds crazy anymore” Nat reassured him. “So who do we talk to about this?” Scott cut to the chase and everyone looked at her. 

They pulled over at his cabin and one by one got out of the car. Tony looked at them and she could tell that he was not looking forward to the discussion about to take place. He acknowledged her with a single hey, and so she decided to let them talk in peace while she was gazing at the lake from afar. "I know you got a lot on the line. You got a wife, a daughter. But I lost someone very important to me. A lot of people did. And now, now we have a chance to bring her back. To bring everyone back. And you're telling me that won't even... “ his voice got louder as he tried to sell his desperation to Tony. “That's right, Scott, I won't even. I got a kid” Tony simply told them, making her remark. “Yeah, now he’s got a kid” she retorted, making him realize what he had just said. As on cue, Morgan run to her dad, who picked her up. “Mommy told me to come and save you. And to tell to the pretty girl to stay a while” Morgan told him as she pointed at his other daughter. “Good job. I'm saved. I wish you'd come here to ask me something else. Anything else. Honestly, I... I missed you guys, it was... Oh, and table's set for six” he went on and informed them. “Tony, I get it. And I'm happy for you, I really am. But this is a second chance” Steve tried to reason with him but she already knew he wasn’t gonna give up just yet. He had to solve it on his own. “I got my second chance right here, Cap. I can't roll the dice again. If you don't talk shop, you can stay for lunch. And you should stay for a while” he concluded as he turned to face her. She smiled at him. She was going to stay a while and Steve saw it. It was hard to say goodbye but unfortunately it had become easier with the years. Steve, Nat and Scott were walking back to their car outside Tony's house as she was stepping inside, hugging Pepper. She could feel him slipping away from her life but she didn’t know how to keep him there – well, she didn’t even know if he wanted to be there anymore.

The day had been quiet, Pepper was an amazing mother and Tony was trying to be a great dad but he knew that he had failed once before, so he wasn’t hoping for much. They had lunch and she met Morgan a bit better. The kid was smart, but that didn’t come as a surprise, it was rather a given. “So how do you two know each other?” she asked suspiciously as she eyed her. Tony almost chocked but she kept her calm, as she was sipping a glass of wine. “We used to work together for a project, sweetie” she smoothly told her without raising any suspicion and even thought Tony felt relieved, Pepper shoot him an angry look, making him nod his head as if they made a promise. “You’re an Avenger!” Morgan exclaimed, excited with her new discovery. But before she could say a thing, Morgan begun asking questions – more questions than anyone before, leaving her stumped. “Honey, come on. Don’t bombard her with your questions. Wanna help me with dessert?” Pepper came to the rescue quickly and she couldn’t be more thankful. Silence fell and it was awkward because no one was going to break it first and Pepper knew as she said louldy "talk". Both of them rolled their eyes at that. "She is smart, that's from your side and she is beautiful - that's all Pepper" she commented shortly after. He almost laughed at her quick comeback.  "How are you? How are things back?" he asked her sincerely, trying to make up for all the lost time. She shook her head, not wanting to lie. Something he understood very well.  "Let me guess. You have been drifted away from people, especially Steve" he made a wild guess and he knew he was right. She stopped hiding her feelings. "Everything I thought I had is no longer. That's why I came here with them. They are asking you to be a hero and save the world. I just wanted to ask you a favor. A while back, I... I left and went -" "To a nice lady called Isabella, who lost her son and granddaughter" he finished her sentence for her, leaving her puzzled. "What? Did you really think I wasn't looking after you?" he asked her. "Well, you left to start a family and didn't even call, so... um. I should have" she concluded at last. He disagreed with her. She had stayed there, not to ask him to fight with them, but to help her find a way, because she knew that there was going to be o return for him and she wanted Morgan to have both of her parents and to feel loved. One of his daughters should. 

She was just watching him work from the couch as she was drinking a hot cup of tea. “Look at a mod inspiration, let me see what check out. So, recommend one last sim before we pack it in for the night” he gave orders to his computer. “Maybe in the shape of a mobius strip, inverted, don’t you think?” she commented as she took a look to the holographic experiment. He agreed with an impressed look. “Do as the lady suggests” he informed Friday. “Processing... “ “Give me that eigenvalue. That, particle factoring, and a spectral decomp. That will take a second” he had just stepped away, towards the couch but it was not to be. “And don't worry if it doesn't pan out. I'm just kinda –“ “Model rendered” Friday announced sending waves of bewilderments down her spine. Tony in a complete shock of amazement as the render came back as 99.987% successful, fell back ecstatic by this discovery. “Shit!” they both exclaimed at the same time. “Shit” Morgan giggled as she repeated the word they had just uttered. Tony took on the father roll quicker than she had thought as he nodded to her to take care of everything that had just been projected while he took Morgan away. They had solved time travel. They had actually found out how to go back in time. Her mind was blown away just by looking at it. As she was walking around the holographic model, Pepper came down the stairs looking for her. “You should rest honey. It’s late” she told her like a mother would. She smiled at her and waited for Tony to get back. “Maybe it’s not” she told her, leaving her puzzled. They both sat on the couch, Pepper reading a book and she was just thinking of the endless possibilities. People less lucky than her would get to see the sun again. Isabella’s family. Spider-kid, Wanda, Strange, Bucky. Oh Gods, Bucky. She had tried to forget about him and how much it had affected her. It had been one of the few failures of her life. “Not that it's a competition, but she loves me 3000. You were somewhere on the low 6 to 900 range” Tony announced as he joined them and got Pepper to scoff. “What are you reading?” he asked absentmindedly as she noticed. “Oh, it's just a book on composting” Pepper told him, making her long for a simple life once more. “What's new with composting?” he asked again without really wanting an answer. Before she could, he cut her off. “We figured it out, by the way” he blurred out, pointing at his daughter proudly. “You know, just so we're talking about the same thing –“ Pepper tried to catch up on their new discovery, very happy they were working together. “Time travel” he simply informed like it was nothing. “What? Wow... That's amazing, and... terrifying. Oh, that’s why you told me maybe it’s not late” she told him amazed as she turned to her still very much astonished. “We got really lucky” she commented and both of them agreed. “Yeah, I know” her father said a tad sad. “A lot of people didn't” Pepper softly nudged him. “No, I can't help everybody” he tried to be civilized and open for debate about it. “It sorta seems like you can. Both of you” his wife disagreed. “Not if I stop. I can put a pin in it right now, and stop” he insisted but they all new what was about to happen. “Tony, trying to get you to stop has been one of the few failures of my life” Pepper echoed her thought from moments ago. Tony smiled proudly about that very fact. “I sometimes feel I should put it in a locked box and drop it at the bottom of a lake... go to bed” he had almost given up on saying no. He wasn’t able to deny that she was right. “But would you be able to rest?” her soft voice pierced through his head. “And neither would you. I know that you left at some point because the memories were too much” she told her with honesty. She couldn’t believe how selfless Pepper was being about something so dangerous. “Come on, kiddo. It’s time to sleep. Tomorrow we are gonna go on a trip” Tony urged his daughter. She could get use to that. “Goodnight Pepper. Goodnight To-… dad” she finally told him, making him smile in pure happiness for the first time in a while.  

The whole world was changing and she had been a part of that very fact. Every plan, every strategy and every theory had been mapped out but she knew that sometimes, even the cleverest of minds can miss a point – so small that no one could have seen. Wanda was trying destroy Thanos, having cost everything to her, Scott and Hope were trying to kick start the engine of the van and everyone was trying to get the gauntlet as far away as possible, without it being very easy of a task. 

Pepper landed next to Okoye, followed by Mantis, Shuri, the Wasp, Gamora, Nebula and herself much to everyone else’s opinion – they all thought she was going to be right by Steve. Thanos' army charged while they helped Carol Danvers gey through the Outriders, Sakaarans and Chitauri. When Carol and she flew towards the van with the Gauntlet, Thanos, after being stopped by Pepper, Shuri and Hope, threw his double sword at the van, destroying it completely. He knocked Carol down and smacked Tony away as Thor arrived in an attempt to pin Thano’s arm down – Steve came rushing towards them, helping Thor but they were all overpowered. In a desperate attempt, when she saw Thanos picking up the gauntlet she punched him away. Thanos grabbed her by the arm and threw her away like she weighted nothing. Thanos put on the gauntlet, gamma radiation from the stones all over his body, as he tried to snap, but she arose again, and stopped his fingers from snapping, opening up his hand similar to what she had seen Steve doing in the other battle. She almost had him, forcing him onto his knees, as her powers were finally enough, she was ready to steal the stones herself. She knew she could take them on – she was part of them and they were part of her. But alas, he pulled the Power Stone out of the Gauntlet and used it in his free hand to hit her away, almost killing her in the prosses. Tony was looking at his daughter terrified and too scared to think of what might happen. He made one last attack on Thanos, having an entirely different plan on his mind. Thanos pushed him away, ending up right next to his older daughter. All it took was one look and she knew – before she could anything at all, everything was already over. “I am inevitable” Thanos snapped his fingers, but nothing happened. He saw that the stones were missing. “NO!” she screamed but Tony simply smiled at her. s except a metallic "clink." He sees the Infinity Stones are missing.

“And I– am– Iron Man”.

The cruelest thing that someone had done to her was first claim to love her more than anything in the world. That he had never seen anything as exquisite as her. That she was every star in the night sky. That he would never leave her. And then one day, out of the blue he did. He lulled her into a false sense of security, convincing her that this, this is the forever love she have been looking for. This is the kind of love she needed all this time, the kind of love she had craved and let her get comfortable in it because it would last. And then, one day, he walked away. He made her believe that there would never be another. And then one day, he forgot her. He simply left without warning after promising her eternity. How ephemeral it turned out to be... It had been years since he came back. Not him - not her Steve. Peggy's Steve. She had refused to meet him - she had refused to even look at him, or be in the same building. She felt betrayed. She had lost Natasha as she had sacrificed herself to get the fucking Soul Stone. She had lost her father and that felt on her - she still felt responsible. And then Steve had decided to leave her all alone to fight her demons after constantly reassuring her he loved her.  But he caught her by surprise, when he entered her office, as she was now in charge of everything her father once held - Morgan was too young and Pepper wanted some time off with her daughter. He knocked the door, waited for her to call him in and he entered. She had been facing the other way, on a phone call but the minute she turned and faced him, her phone fell on the floor and her heart skipped more beats than she could count. "Hello, Ms.. Stark. Do you have a minute for an old friend?" he was being polite as well as sarcastic but her mind had already imploded, so what the fuck? Gaining some of her confidence back, she raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms.  "We were never friends, Mr. Rogers" she fired coldly but he knew her better and she hated it. He looked at her and all it took was a moment. He too raised his eyebrow and walked towards her with absolutely no intention of leaving. Before she could register his acts, he had enveloped her in to his big hug and she felt so fucking angry - it still felt like home. Without even knowing it, she was crying with her head almost resting on his chest.  "It’s weird. It’s weird how you have the same face but you’re a completely different person. It’s weird how I have so many amazing memories with you but they died off as you’re a completely different person. It’s weird that I’m mourning over someone that is still alive because you’re a completely different person. It’s weird, you’re a completely different person. And I hate you for leaving me, but I can never really hate you because I love you" she told him as he sat them down to her couch. She left his arms to look at him. She lowered her walls and finally opened up to him again.  "If I could do it all again, I would stay up later. I would ask more questions, unashamed of how personal they were and not afraid that I wouldn’t like the answers. If I could start over with you, I wouldn’t doubt my instincts. I wouldn’t fear what people thought if I catered to your every whim and laughed at every stupid joke. If I could try again, I would embrace every moment of every fight and ask for everything I needed from you. I wouldn’t worry if I was too needy, too attached, too much of anything. I would be myself more. I would scream louder. I wouldn’t hesitated to tell you I love you, in every way, every day. If I could do it again, I would not love you in halting steps always looking for some sort of validation that I was stepping on solid ground. I would jump into you and if you didn’t catch me, then I would still be picking up the same broken pieces I am now" she sincerely told him. She had lost both her friend and her father, both of them in the name of salvation and then Steve choose to leave her and go back. She had refused to exist for a while because she couldn't function. As everything crumbled around her, she had looked for a something to hold on to, but those closest couldn’t hear her amidst their screaming matches. She looked for those who swore to be there during her weakest moment only to see the illusion fade away leaving only crossed fingers, emptiness, and disappointment. She was done searching for someone, when someone did appear.  Without even thinking about it, he wiped a single tear that ran across her cheek. He wasn't her Steve, but those eyes...  "I never believed that I would have felt the way you made me feel after all those years in the ice. I owe you everything. And repaying you in the way I did... I wouldn't have forgiven me if I were you. An apology won't help, I know. For what it’s worth, you will always hold a special place" he told her in tender way that reminded her of their story and more tears found their way out. And he wiped every single one of them. She could tell from the way he hugged her when he saw her. He had kept the silent promise he had made when she was too drunk to remember what she had asked of him. Years had passed since she allowed herself to see him again. After saying a polite hello, they hugged like friends did. But then he squeezed her a little tighter right before he let go. She had almost rested her head on his chest out of habit, because it suddenly felt just like old times. She had thought she'd never be in his embrace again but there they were. They both wanted to hold on tighter but they knew they were different now. But she could tell from the way he hugged her, from the way he held on just a little longer, that somewhere, deep down...  "I missed you too" she smiled at him, a strange but very much wanted feeling of relief washing over her heart. They both knew, no one could stop loving. Once you have loved someone honestly, truly, you will never be able to un-love them. You can only find someone you will love more. At that time, your old love will not feel so strong, but it will always be in your heart, it will never let you forget something that at some point along the way made you happy.  "You hold a special place in someone else's heart too, you know" he commented like a genie. Her eyebrow arched. "Stop playing matchmaker, you old wise owl" she mocked him. At least, she could start again. He still held her face in his hands, he still held a piece of her, he would always be her first love. The bigger the love, the harder the fall. They stayed like that until Bucky walked into her office, looking for her. He narrowed his eyes suspiciously when he saw Steve holding her but he reprimanded himself almost immediately. She saw the way Steve looked up at him and she knew he wanted some alone time him. Leaving his hands was harder than she thought, smiling at all times. "Don't be a stranger, Rogers" she bid him goodbye but his eyes told her this wasn't the last time they would see each other and she found solace. She passed Bucky in her way out, smiling brightly to him, making his eyes sparkle in hope. She had just left the room when she heard Steve being completely honest.

"She is different now. I was too much of a punk to see how beautiful she really was. Her heart was beautiful, she cared so much about me and I never understood why. I don't think I treated her the way she deserves to be treated - but you do. Don't look at me like that, Bucky. I am old, not blind. I can see the way you two look at each other. Back then, her love scared me, it was so intense. I almost forgot how enticing her smile was. She just wasted so many tears on someone like me and for that I will never forgive me" he told his friend but his mind was someplace else. She smiled to herself and finally left them alone. Whatever was to come, she would face it. Finding closure had never been about forgetting. It had never been about drowning out the voices of her past or about closing her heart to memories that used to make you happy. Finding closure meant accepting a situation for what it was and moving on. It was coming to terms with the way things were and knowing that she couldn't change what had happened, but could still find growth among the broken pieces.

 _____

“I am so glad I got my heart broken. It led me to you”. ____

Taglist: @accio-rogers @coffee-with-orion @stydia-4-ever​ @smilexcaptainx​ @elliee1497​

Katze Comic - Bellow ANGST

So my friend KatzeBrah ( @katzebrah​ ) DID THIS REALLY ANGSTY, SAD BELLOW COMIC

And since I’m sick and can barely do anything, I share in this depression and wrote a fic for it.

WITH A HAPPY CLICHE ENDING. Yaaaaay.

The hallway opened out in front of her. Everything floated by as if in a haze. She had been working for days straight; not a single rest in the pursuit of perfection. Steady lighting grew brighter as she walked, guiding her feet while she took each step without thought. Her head buzzed with equations, logistics, star maps; every need detail she had to bring up at a moment’s notice. Yet ever in the back of her mind she held onto a small joke to mumble out, just to hear that laugh again.

 Yellow Diamond let out a sigh. With the ever expanding reach of colonies and armies, she was seeing Blue more and more. It still wasn’t enough. The sound of her footsteps echoed through the empty halls. If there was another gem, they’d remain silent out of respect. Yet she felt nothing, only herself: the pulsing light of her form taking up space amid more solid matter. The memories of a thinking, feeling general holding the power of the stars in her hands. A distant sound caught her ear and Yellow turned, glancing over her shoulder. Behind, the hallway stretched endlessly.

 “…Yellow.”

 She turned back at once at the whisper. A marble door loomed in front of her wreathed in carvings of weeping gems, their faces guiding flowing water down from etched frowns and closed eyes. She didn’t even need to push the door for just the touch of her hand caused it to open. A wave of calm swept over Yellow. This was just a routine visit, a casual discussion between two Diamonds. She could smell the faint fragrance of the oils Blue used in her hair and closed her eyes, imagining the soft touch of her fellow general and the gentle smile in greeting.

 The room was cloaked in shadow, the windows covered in curtains. An ever present breeze drifted through. It mixed with the sound of flowing water always present in Blue’s chambers. She enjoyed serenity in her free time, and the hushed beauty left Yellow breathless no matter how many times she tried to emulate it in her own room. It was as if it required Blue’s very presence to unlock the pleasant secret. Yellow gave a relaxed exhale, glancing about the room with her arms behind her back.

 “Blue? Are you in here?”

 Though calm, she couldn’t wait to see the pleasant face again. The darkness in the room seemed to close in around her, guiding her steps forward.

 “Yellow.”

 The voice was low, spoken in desperation. Yellow froze, her gaze falling on an outreached hand, delicate even as it trembled. On the finger glowed a familiar golden ring.

 “H-Help me, Yellow.”

 Blue was weak, lying on the ground. Tears streamed from her twisted face. The outline of her beautiful form was flickering with chunks missing. She could barely keep her eyes open. Using the last of her energy, she managed to crawl forward. Yellow’s entire core shivered at the sight of Blue Diamond reaching out to her. It took only a sickening moment for her terrified stare to find the gem nestled between soft hair: a radiant diamond now dull and cracked beyond recognition.

 “Blue?!” Yellow fell to her knees, barely able to accept the reality in front of her. “What happened?” She gently took Blue by the shoulders, keeping her steady. Her fingers went through the struggling form of light as her voice grew to a frantic shout. “Who did this to you??”

 Blue couldn’t keep her head up anymore. She fell into Yellow’s arms, outline flickering rapidly. “Yellow.”

 There was a moment Yellow saw a faint, weak smile. Perhaps there was still hope. Then the next words poured out broken, forced in sheer desperation. It was the last time she’d ever hear that voice.

 “I l-love. Y-you.”

 The darkness of the room closed in as Blue’s light faded. In a fraction of a moment she disappeared, replaced by only the shards of her gem mixed with still falling tears. They dropped onto Yellow’s outstretched hands, joined by the golden ring. No longer did it glow, instead falling dull and lifeless into Yellow’s palm, its warmth quickly fading. The remaining tears flowed down through the cracks of her fingers as she stared wide eyed at the shards. They too were not reflecting even a shimmer of light as if the once glorious gem had been nothing but a common sand stone now broken in her grasp. Her own ring, made to capture the elegant glow of Blue’s gem, faded to match the dismal hue.

 ------

 Her hands trembled, causing the shards to clink together. The truth of the situation poured into her mind, yet Yellow fought back. How could she hold such a wondrous gem in her hands, now shattered, now dull, never to see her again, never to hear her laugh, to see her smile. She closed her eyes, tears forming.

 “Blue.” She whispered the name, afraid if she spoke it louder it would cause more damage. “No. Blue. No.” She clutched the shards against her chest, feeling them cold against her own gem. “No. No! NO!”

 Electricity flowed around her as her emotions gave way to physical form. Air crackled and burned as her entire body shook with a mixture of rage and denial all flowing through sheer desolation. Her voice tore through the horrible silence.

 “This can’t be true!!”

 “You let her die.”

 Yellow glanced up, recognizing the answer to her scream. She couldn’t bear to look but forced herself, eyes hallow as she opened her mouth to speak, only able to say one word.

 “Pink?”

 Pink Diamond stood before her, a normally cheerful, expressive face blank as cold eyes judged. Her color was dull with just enough rose to give a hint of her usual exuberance.

 “You let her die. Just like you let me die.”

 Yellow said nothing, unable to even form a coherent thought through her misery let alone speak. All she could do was stare down at the lost Diamond and the cracked shards of Blue shaking in her hand as she trembled.

 “You didn’t protect us.”

 Pink’s voice trailed away, yet she remained still, gazing up with piercing intent for each of her words. Yellow leaned back, suddenly consumed by fear.

 “W-what?? No, no!” Doubt flooded her thoughts. She returned to ever moment she had spent with Pink, with Blue, always wanting to be there for them. Yet she had her duties, she had her reasons. The shards in her hands cut into her form as she clutched them hard. When she spoke again, her voice was a shaking mess. “P-pink, please.  I-I never m-meant-“

 “You failed them, Sunray.”

 Yellow flinched, turning in surprise at another familiar voice. Above her, White glared down with the same judging stare, her face passive yet filled with remorse. Though her pet name was used, White’s voice was far from cheerful. It poured out grim, wreathed in disappointment. Yellow felt tears fall down her cheeks as every word her leader said bit into her core.

 “You were supposed to be the strongest.” White turned away, unable to even look at her failed Diamond. “And you didn’t even protect them. You didn’t even try.”

 Yellow recalled every moment she had ignored Pink’s wishes. She had to make her into a good Diamond, didn’t she? It was for her own good, the good of the Empire. And Blue; she couldn’t keep grieving at the Zoo. She had to be a leader for her subjects. Every interaction, even the sweet ones, singing in the extraction chamber, the gentle moments shared in secret, the cute jokes, the silly pranks; they all turned to dust in her mind. Everything she had done had been wrong. Yellow’s hands flickered as Blue’s shards cut into them, her grip desperate.

 “They are gone now.” White’s harsh truth continued, stating what Yellow was now repeating over and over in her thoughts. “Gone because of you.”

 Yellow bowed her head, still on her knees as she wept openly. No longer would Blue be there to comfort her. No longer would she ever feel that gentle touch on her shoulder reminding her to relax. She clutched the gem shards, whispering to them.

 “Please. Come back. Please.”

 Never would she have a chance to let Pink forgive her, to allow Blue to let her emotions out. She had failed. Yellow fell against the ground, curling up in her agony. She wanted to do nothing but lay there for the rest of her doomed eternity, holding onto the shards of the only one who could make her smile.

 -----

 Tears pooled under her, soaking the ground. The cold touch caused her to open her eyes. She was in a different room now. Head spinning, she painfully sobbed into her hands, gripping as tight as she could. It didn’t matter if White would shatter her or even lock her up. Nothing mattered any more. Slowly she opened her fingers, wanting to catch a glimpse of Blue’s gem even though the shards were now lifeless. She stared into an empty palm. Even the ring was gone.

 “What?”

 Yellow sat up, looking around on the ground. Instead of a cold, stone floor she saw a pillow and the edge of a bed with sheer curtains hanging down. Lost and terrified, Yellow backed up, bumping into someone.

 “Mmm. Yellow? What’s wrong?”

 Yellow turned her head slowly, trembling in disbelief at the sound of the voice. Behind her, Blue sat up with tired yet concerned eyes. A gentle hand reached out to rest on her back. Yellow inhaled, releasing the pent up emotion in her with a shaking exhale.

 “B-Blue!”

 She dove on top of her fellow Diamond, arms wrapping around her as she held her tightly. Tears flowed freely as she showered kisses down Blue’s face and neck, nuzzling into that soft hair.

 “Yellow! Not so hard! You’re going to poof me.”

 Yellow jerked back, suddenly terrified all over again.”I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to I-“

 Blue placed a finger over Yellow’s lips. “It was just a joke.” She grinned. “I love seeing you so enthusiastic.” Keeping Yellow silent, Blue leaned down and gave a slow kiss against the golden general’s gem.

 “Mmmph.” Yellow closed her eyes, anxiety and panic flowing from her as she slumped forward.

 Blue held her, snuggling into her pointy hair. “Now, what’s this all about? We’ve only been asleep for an hour.” She kissed Yellow’s neck. “Did you really miss me that much?”

 “What?” Yellow leaned back up, still in Blue’s arms. She pulled the elegant Diamond closer against her, never wanting to let go again. “Sleeping?” It gradually came back to her. An idea from Steven: organics rested by lying down and closing their eyes. It would calm their thoughts and rejuvenate them. Blue wanted to try together.

 “Yes.” Blue trailed her lips over Yellow’s, giving a tease of a kiss before she smiled back. “It was nice. I closed my eyes and felt you next to me and everything seemed to fade away.” She was blushing now, unable to handle Yellow’s intense stare. “Everything expect you.”

 It was Yellow’s turn to blush now. She found herself still breathing hard from the horrible images. Looking down into her hands, she saw them empty. Yet the feel of the broken gem in her fingers remained, as well as Pink’s and White’s words. She closed her eyes, pulling Blue flush against her. Every inch she wanted to feel, every bit of warmth she wanted to absorb. Her ring now glowed along with Blue’s, ever humming as the Diamonds embraced each other in solidarity.

 “That’s not what happened for me.” Yellow looked away, eyes distant.

 “Oh.” Blue wiped a tear from Yellow’s face, understanding.

 They lay down against the bed again, still in each other’s arms. Yellow buried her face into Blue’s hair. She could feel the relaxing lull of sleep coming again and fought against it. After a long moment, Blue’s gentle voice broke her from her thoughts.

 “I miss her too.”

 Blue massaged Yellow’s back.

 “It was worse than that.” Yellow fought back a sob, instead letting a few tears out as she nuzzled Blue’s soft locks. “I love you, Blue.”

 Blue leaned back, a warm smile on her face. She took Yellow’s hand so their rings glowed together. Yellow squeezed back, still recalling the dreadful feeling that she’d never caress those fingers again.

 “Steven said sometimes people have bad sleeps, nightmares he called them.” She looked Yellow in the eyes.”You don’t have to sleep again if you don’t want to.”

 Yellow frowned. “But you enjoy it. I don’t want spoil this new experience.”

 Blue didn’t have to say or do anything, only smile how she was now. That pure, blissful smile as she held back a giggle. Yellow forgot all about her bad dream, lost in those eyes.

 “It’s alright. As long as I’m with you.”

 Yellow leaned closer, kissing Blue’s lips before trailing down her neck to the perfectly intact, glimmering gem set just above her breasts.

 “I’ll stay with you.” She whispered. “I’ll lay here while you sleep. Protect you from any nightmares.”

 Blue rested her head on top of Yellow’s fluffy hair. “Mmm. My guardian. I like that.” She pulled Yellow up so their eyes met again. At first a little kiss before she spoke again. “And I will do the same whenever you want to try again.”

 Yellow nodded, face a full blush. Her cheeks grew even redder when Blue lifted her hair loop and placed it around the stern Diamond’s neck. The soft hair was snug and warm against Yellow’s cheeks and she nuzzled into it.

 “There. Now you’re all protected.”

 Yellow smiled, finally relaxed. All pain of her nightmare had faded, giving way to Blue’s soft voice and radiant eyes. They lay together for the next few hours, talking about their fond memories of Pink as their rings glowed along with their gems. Yellow remained stoic, never falling asleep again as long as she could protect Blue.

1 Year of Learning Korean

One of the most popular questions I’ve gotten since coming back from Korea is: Are you fluent in Korean now??*

*Spoilers: I am not. 🙃

Looking back, I probably would have become more conversational if I had just done a 3-month intensive program. Although, compared to just learning by myself in the Bay Area, being in Korea definitely gave me more opportunities and motivation. I was placed in the high intermediate class for orientation (switched to low intermediate), but I would say that I’m now truly at an intermediate level. I think my Korean’s more or less the same as my Japanese (which has regressed a lot, and I only took 3 semesters in college) but with very shaky foundations. 

Anyways, here’s a brief timeline of what I did this grant year. Let’s go~

[Initiate lock n’ load montage]

July

Korean Intensive Program (8-12pm, 1-2pm M-F) 

Because of how the program was structured, I didn’t feel like I learned very much. This is partly why my foundation is so full of holes...we skipped around here and there. 

August

Korean Intensive Program

September

Korean was put on pause due to troubles adjusting to homestay

October

Occasionally did a few chapters of Billy Go’s Korean Made Simple at school 

Studied some Korean vocab 

November

???

December

I don’t think I studied Korean at all

January

Got a wakeup call when I spent 5 minutes trying to read the back of a sign at a smoothie shop and realized how slow I was at reading

February

Vocab grind (1000 Essential Korean Words), plan was to finish by the end of March. Two weeks of intense vocabulary cramming on Quizlet (did nothing in the end lol don’t try that)

Bought the Real Life Conversations Intermediate book

Studied Korean in Kpop lyrics

Started a side coding project to help my touch typing (K-pop lyric typing game)

March

Memorized dialogues from Real Life Conversations book with Lauren

Improved reading skills slightly by listening and following along with the audio recordings that come with the book

Read through the dialogues with the Korean literature teacher in my gyomushil

Continued to learn song lyrics

Wrote sentences with each new vocabulary word, got my co-teacher and the Korean literature teacher to check them (<-this was probably the most helpful game changer...it helped a lot with my spelling too)

Continued working on the K-pop typing game

April

Stopped learning new vocab at around Chapter 11 of Essential Words, focused on retaining old vocab through Anki flash cards

Finished the Go! Billy Korean Made Simple book that I bought ages ago (tbh it was too easy for me at this point but I was just too lazy)

Finally sat down and “learned” Korean verb conjugations (I’d just been going by gut instinct before…tbh I still kind of do 😅)

Kind of dropped the typing game after finishing the MVP 😅but I’m gonna try to finish it up now that I’m back

May

Started to panic about leaving Korea in 2.5 months but still sucking at Korean

Signed up for private lessons once a week for 90 minutes (My tutor asked me to give her a shout out. Her name is 서영심 ([email protected]). If you’re in the Cheongju/Ochang area, she comes to you! She’s very professional and you’ll get your money’s worth.)

Started at the intermediate book that focused on grammar

Learned ~5 grammar points every week

Started writing and reading a lot more and actually seeing how words are spelled. The first time I saw 여기--a super common word (yogi) that means here--written out I thought it was so strange...not that I had thought it was 요기 (also pronounced yogi) but I just didn’t have a visual of it in my head, I guess.

June

Depressed about lack of improvement

Continued with private lessons but felt like I wasn’t really retaining the grammar dump from each week

At the very least, Korean homework kept me on track and made me practice even when I didn’t want to

Started Anki again since I hadn’t actively studied vocab since April.

An old K.Will song that I hadn’t listened to for a long time came up and I realized I could suddenly understand the lyrics. That was pretty cool and one of my small win moments.  

July

Feeling pretty hopeless with Korean

However, hung out with more Korean friends that only spoke Korean and felt like I was actually able to contribute to the conversation. (3 hours of Korean Listening ...🙃)

Was able to understand 70% of the conversation at my gyomushil’s final farewell lunch for me. I contributed to the gossip! 

Went home and immediately lost 50% of my Korean skills upon touching U.S. soil. 

So basically, after my burst of inspiration in February, my confidence and motivation in Korean just kept plummeting. Even now as I write up this post I feel an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. But I do want to highlight the progress that I’ve made since orientation.

Korean Reading

We were all supposed to be able to read Hangul before we came to Korea. Being able to recognize the alphabet is different from being able to read and also different from knowing the pronunciation rules and where to pause in your reading. During my first semester, my eyes would automatically glaze over whenever I saw Korean text. When the second semester started, I tried to force myself to read everything I came across - storefronts, street signs, advertisements on buses, etc. Even if I didn’t know what it meant, I would force myself to read it. Right now, I can navigate a Korean shopping website and read a menu semi-comfortably. I’m still waiting for the day when I’ll see English sounding hangul and be able to read it as fast as English. Although, I will say it’s really nice to be able to read the Korean titles in Kpop videos on Youtube, especially when I come across really old songs (like Super Junior’s No Other 너 같은 사람 또 없어) and realize I now know what it means. 

Also, a new world that has opened up to me is...노래방!! Karaoke is such an adrenaline rush. I’d compare it to sight-reading or DDR/rhythm games where you know something is coming up and the satisfaction you get when you get it right with the beat of the music is 👌. It’s so gratifying to be able to sing along...거기 너 I FANCY YOU 아무나 원하지 않아 HEY! I love you (LOVE YA)!! 

Korean Writing

Back during orientation, I couldn’t spell anything on my own. I knew words every koreaboo knew like 어떻게 and 괜찮아 but I couldn’t write it because I didn’t know how spelling worked. It’s no wonder my spelling didn’t improve since a) I didn’t write and b) I didn’t even read. Even now I still make a lot of spelling mistakes, but I pay attention to words when I see them. It’s still a very slow process, but now I can picture the hangul in my head when I think of the word. 

Typing: I started orientation with around 15 wpm, then by the end of orientation I got to around 30 wpm. Currently, I’m at 60 wpm when I start cold and after I get warmed up I can go up to 80wpm. Being able to touch type is so useful, especially when I’m typing up long sentences from my textbook and I don’t have to look up.

Korean Listening

Dare I say...my Korean listening is my strongest point??? I remember when I took French listening tests in high school, I would always lament with everyone else that they spoke too fast for me to understand. But interestingly, for both Japanese and Korean, I never had that problem. If it only contains words and grammar I know, I can understand it perfectly fine even if it’s fast. I intuitively understand most Korean verb endings and exclamations so it’s not hard to know which way the conversation is flowing or when to interject with “세상에,” “맞아 맞아,” or “말도 안돼.” I used to think my poor lack of vocabulary was the number 1 thing blocking me from understanding, but then I learned more grammar and realized the things I didn’t know. I do feel like parts of the fog are being lifted...sometimes...

Korean Speaking: 

I still feel pretty embarrassed when I speak Korean because there are some sounds that I can’t pronounce. Compared to orientation, I have a few more stock phrases tucked and ready to go, but I still feel unable to express myself. Every conversation will start out fine, but they’ll all stagnate to the same topics and sentences after a while. 

Complications with other languages

I talked about how knowing some Japanese and Chinese was both an advantage and a disadvantage during my beginning stages, but this is true even now. 

Ever since I started getting more comfortable with typing and spelling Korean, I’ve started seeing the actual Hangul in my head when I think/hear Korean. I’ve also started to associate the locations of the Hangul characters with their locations on the Korean keyboard. 

One day, I was trying to text back my mom with “那是什么?” (Na Shi Shen Me/What’s that?) but was confused because those characters weren’t showing up. Then I realized I was typing “sk” instead of “na.” Some of you guys might get it....because “s” is where ㄴ(n) is and k is where ㅏ(a) is on the Korean keyboard. Clearly, my brain can’t handle it. It’s interesting because both the Japanese and Chinese keyboard uses the same alphabet placements as English.

Another time: I was watching a Talk To Me in Korean video where Hyunwoo talked about how 하다 is a very versatile verb. I immediately thought about how the Japanese equivalent is 수루 and even mentally mapped it out on the Korean keyboard...before realizing this is WRONG, WRONG, it’s する not 수루 LOUISE WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING. (They are both pronounced suru)

What’s next? 

Now that I’m back in the States, it’s going to take even more determination and self-discipline to keep up with my Korean. But I really don’t want everything I’ve worked towards to just wash down the drain. I’ll aim to finish my intermediate grammar textbook and grind anki flashcards. Hopefully, I can find a language partner or a study group. We’ll see! 

This is embarrassing...

When I was young-er, I made this character up, her name was Angel A. I guess you can say she was an import art model, i don’t remember that well. I wrote this fake interview with her and her likes & dislikes. Really embarrassing stuff. I only drew her one time and made it look like a polaroid picture. Below is the interview, unedited, and info about her. SO EMBARRASSING.

Art Work | John Marie E. Abaya Article | Abayarts.com Born and raise in Sacramento , California , Angel Abaya is our premiere Art Girl of the month. While growing up with a Filipino and American parents, Angel became Bi-cultural, learning Filipino and American cultures. While growing up with parents of different culture, she became more into a life of both cultures and arts. The only thing that Angel loves to do is being with family and friends. She loves it when they have family get to getters during the holiday. She is a big fan of dancing and the arts. She grew up around a family of artist and dancers. For the past 10 years she been studying the Asian culture. Angel has a wide range of Asian culture. She is currently in Collage in Los Angels majoring in Fashion and Design. Some day she wants to run her own Clothing design beside the Abaya Arts label. IF you want to know more about Angel. Just read our interview we had with her last month. We want to say Happy Birthday to her too. We interview her a day before her birthday. Interview: AA: So , I heard that you can dance. Can you tell us where did you learn? AMA: Well, I learn from my family. Mostly from my mother because she is a really good dancer. She knows all type of dances and i guess thats how i got my groove on. I just learn from her when I was young. I use to go out with my mom and dad and watch them dance at family parties. That's how I really learn... AA: Just wondering. Can you show us alittle of your dance moves... AMA: ( laugh alittle ) Well im kinda shy. I get that from my parents.Both of them were shy when they were young. So sorry, I can't show you. AA: ( laugh )Its okay. Dont be sorry, I understand. ( laugh ) So you say that you were shy when you were young. How shy were you? and are you that shy still? AMA: ( pause ) O' my God. ( laugh )Im still shy. When i was young i didnt talk much like normal girls do. Most of the time I was in the corner of the class room drawing or just doing my class work. I think it was when i was in high school where i opened up more to people. I was still kind of shy though. AA: How was your high school life? Did you have friends or just stayed alone in the class room doing your work? AMA: My high school life was like any other teenager. I got my share of drama and had my share of good times with my friends. I was'nt one of the popular students in school. People knew me as the girl who knew how to draw, so I ended up doing people art projects. I didnt mind it, because i really love to draw. Most of the time in class i was doing my work because thats why i went to school, to do my work and get smarter in life. I didnt like when people wasted 4 years of there life in high school doing drugs and drinking beer. To me that was just stupid. No offense, but there was better things to do then drinking and doing drugs. AA: Are you one of those church girls or is there a bad side to you? AMA: ( laugh ) Actually i did do some things i was'nt proud of. I never did drugs or drink beer. I was always clean form all that stuff. I did cheat in school and did skip class because sometimes you have to live alittle. You need some excitement in your life. But i believe that drugs and drinking is'nt the way to go if your looking for a good time. AA: I respect that. AMA: Thanks. Not to many people i know doesnt respect it. I know its your right to smoke or do anything with your body as you please, but some times doing somthing to your body that can hurt you can hurt other people around you. I have friends that smoke and drink and I always ask them why they drink or smoke. And every single time they answer without a good reason. The only thing they say to me is that, " its my body". It doesn't make sense. Other then that, Ill respect you. AA:That's cool. You really speak your mind. You dont seem like a shy person. ( laugh ) AMA:( laugh ) I told you that I'm kinda shy. Yes, I do speak my mind. Most of my family members speak there mind. My uncles and aunties speak there mind every day. I think thats how i got it. ( laugh ) AA:(laugh) With one word, describe your self. AMA: I think one word that describe me the best is....hmmm...( pause ) Strong. Im a strong women in the world. I dont let no one push me around. I always stand up for my self. Always. AA: Are you physically stong? AMA: ( laugh ) Heck no!!! ( laugh ) I'm not that strong. Look at my muscles ( show us them ) Do you think I'm Stong. I think im kind of stong. Not the strongest women in the world or even in this room. ( laugh ) Are you stong? AA:( laugh) Kind of. I can maybe carry about 190 pounds tops. I'm not that strong too. Hey, wait. Why you asking the questions. Its my interview. ( laugh ) AMA:( laugh ) Oops. Sorry for taking over the interview. Is'nt time for this interview to be over. Its been 30 minutes already. I think you have enought information about my life. ( laugh ) AA: Okay. Last question. (laugh) hmmmm....Did you enjoy this interview? AMA:Yes!!! Of course. Anything that would help the Abaya Arts family. You guys are the best. The best family on the Earth. ( laugh ) **Everyone knows what’s an Import Model is, but here at the Artistic Alliance we have Art Girls. Before you think this is sexist, this is our own way at poking fun at the Import Models. This is just for fun, so don’t take this article seriously. ________

ProfileName: Angel Marie Abaya Age: 20 Birthday: 3/31 Birthplace:Sacramento, California Nationality:filipino/american Gender: Female Height: 5'5" Wieght: 120 Hair color: Black Eye color: Black Nicknames: lil Angel Status: Single, not looking School: Los Angels School of Art Collage, Sophmore Favorite color: blue and yellow Favorite cartoon show: im old school, i really like ninja turtles and ghost busters Favorite book:anything by V.C. Andrew Favorite music: alittle bit of everything, besdie country music. Favorite animal:penguin or panther Favorite super hero:all time best superhero, spiderman Favorite things to do:drawing and dancing is my number one favorite things to do. anything to do with art is my favorite thing to do. i can sing and dance. i design my own clothes with the help of abaya arts. i also love watching saturday morning cartoons. i look to them for insperation. Dislikes: i hate when people smoke or drink. ill never drink or do drugs. i hate people who are ignorant and that judge people by the way they look. i dont like people who think they are better then other people. i dont like country music too. Web Site: none, at this time

Q&A: Tyler Carter Talks “Tapping Out,” New Issues Material Plus A Possible Return Of Woe, Is Me And Working With Post Malone

All photos by Julius Aguilar

For as long as he’s been in music, no one has been able to pin Tyler Carter down. First singing for the beloved, game-changing outfit Woe, Is Me, Carter helped birth a new era of synth-lead metalcore/post-hardcore music. 

Then switching gears to form the genre-bending act Issues, Carter and company were able to help transform their music scene yet again with the trendsetting release of their self-titled debut LP as well as the fan-favorite album Headspace. 

Continuing to not be outdone by his previous material and push the envelope creatively, the hard-working vocalist went ahead and dropped a new R&B-influenced solo album earlier this year titled Moonshine. 

And now with a brand new Issues album on the horizon, the band’s first in over three years, we sat down with Carter to talk all about his creative endeavors including Issues’ direction moving forward following the departure of longtime co-vocalist Michael Bohn.   

To hear Carter discuss Issues’ new hard-hitting single “Tapping Out” plus what the future holds for the band with their new long-awaited album -- as well as what the heck is going on with all the recent Woe, Is Me social posts and his time working with Post Malone -- be sure to read our in-depth interview below. Afterward, make sure to grab tickets to see Issues out on tour with I Prevail and Justin Stone here.    

You guys are playing your first club shows in a couple years. How does it feel to be back in the club circuit again?

It's good. I mean, we love festivals and we love doing festivals. That kind of energy is something that we prefer over club tours. But it's kind of cool being able to do a light show and do a cool serious club thing. It's different. Like, the sets we build for clubs, they kind of fluctuate with intimate songs and ballads and stuff like that. When we play festivals, it's banger after banger. It's high energy, high tempo. We don't do ballads. Just like, you're outside and you want to rage. So it's cool to be back in a club circuit and actually focus on the presentation.

Was there a little rust starting this tour with I Prevail getting back into the club shows again?

Oh, definitely a little rust. But I mean, we’re pretty conditioned as a four-piece now because we got to do Warped Tour all summer [last year]. And we've just recently come off of an arena tour with Don Broco in the UK. So we feel like we've shaken the rust off a little bit. This is a heavier tour, so we [also] got to dust off some of our older heavier songs. And, that's cool. Like when we play tours with different kinds of bands, we don't typically morph to the vibe of the tour, we still like to be the black sheep of every tour that we do. But it is cool to like, be able to just play a lot more heavy shit because this is a heavy tour.

And you guys are gonna be playing a new song on this tour. How excited are you to get to play that in front of everybody?

Pretty stoked. We're so fucking bored [laughs] of like -- I hate saying that because I know there's a lot of fans that haven't even got to see us before and have been a fan since, you know, the self-titled album or whatever. But we're definitely bored of playing everything. Because I mean, Headspace came out like three years ago. So yeah, we're definitely ready to play new stuff. And it was obviously great getting to write a new album and create something new again because it had been so long. But yeah, 100% we're ready to play “Tapping Out.” 

Can you talk about “Tapping Out” and what it means to you as well as how it was written?

Yeah, “Tapping Out” is out. And, it was funny because AJ had written the instrumental to that song separately. And I had written the top line to that song with Eric Ron and it was a hip-hop song. It was originally kind of something I was working on for my solo album. And so I put it in the pot, you know, because every time we write an album, everybody kind of -- Sky writes songs, AJ writes songs, we all kind of put our songs in the pot. And it's never like a competition. It's just like, “What are the best songs?” Whether it starts with an instrumental or starts with the top line, whatever. So I put that song in the pot and everybody liked it. But we really didn't know what to do with it because we didn't want it to be too generic. And we didn't want it to be like trap metal or trap emo or whatever. Like, we didn't want it to fall into that category. But then at the last minute, AJ turned in an instrumental that worked perfectly, almost down to a tee. Like the pre-chorus, the chorus, the bridge, like everything fit the song completely perfect. So it just fell into place. And lyrically, the song is just about kind of tapping out of a relationship. You just feel like you're in a relationship, which constantly feels like knockout after knockout -- just to shed light on the metaphor.

And you want to keep going, you want to make it one last round, but at some point, you got to do what's best for you and you gotta tap out and you gotta -- I mean, I know some people are gonna be like, “That's what you do when you can't take it, you tap out. You’re a pussy” or whatever. But lyrically, I just think a lot of people will connect with it relationship-wise. But also, we kind of realized recently -- were about to shoot a music video for the song -- after talking with the director, we interpreted it in the music video more about tapping out on yourself wanting to give up or wanting to end it all, or whatever. And just feeling like you gotta like try to make it one last round in life. But yeah, I guess most people will obviously see that it relates to being in a relationship but I think it also kind of makes sense to be more like a relationship with yourself, you know?

So as you mentioned, you threw the song in the pot of potential songs after thinking it was going to be for your solo project. So not only was it one of 50 you guys wrote for the album, but it ends up being the lead single. Were you surprised that it ended up being the first song you guys released or do you feel like it's the strongest track on the album?

I don't know if I would say it's the strongest track on the record. But something that we've never had before is the time and resources to make so many songs. So I mean, imagine you write 50 songs and you pick the best 13. Actually, we narrowed it down to like 20 and then we picked the best 13 out of that. So I mean, in our opinion, we picked the best of the best. And every song on the record, to me, is a total banger.

And [all the songs] are great and they're all at that caliber. And I think [“Tapping Out”] is very strong. I wouldn't say it's my favorite song on the record. But I do think it's really cool. And I think it makes sense for the first single. You never really know, though. When it comes to dropping singles, or especially when a band hasn't put out music in a long time, we don't really know if it's going to be the best choice for the first song. But we just have to kind of follow through with it, you know. Like we believed in it, our first instinct told us this should be the first song that comes out. It has a breakdown and has screaming and we think that it'll be a decent transition for some fans. Because obviously, we really respect the way people feel about Michael's departure. So we think that this song will help the transition a little bit. And you know, a lot of people also think that we're just a pop band now, which is funny. So we think that [“Tapping Out”] represents some of the hip-hop and r&b elements and it’s also is really heavy, it's actually one of the heaviest tuned songs on the record. It's in double drop d which is obviously an octave below normal drop D. But I think there's another song that's like a double drop C sharp. So I don't know, we just felt like it was a good representation of what to expect. But then again, with Issues, expect the unexpected I guess because we never really follow a criteria.

With every album Issues puts out, it seems like you guys are always ahead of the curve. So when it comes to writing a record, one that took two years to write, was it challenging to stay ahead of the trends?

I think our plan was mapped well because we did spend a lot of time writing -- and things, you know, trends come and go. Trends, like music, style, and things that are popular, things that people want to hear, change. Even since we started writing the record to when we recorded it. But you know, we recorded it at the tail end of it all. So I think that the timing was good, but also, we don't typically try to follow any trends or get on the bandwagon when it comes to writing. That's something that we are pretty passionate about. We don't think when we're writing, like, “Oh, this song could be the one that goes to radio” or “Oh, the song could be really marketable or whatever.” We try to keep that out of the conversation, at least while we're creating. And then after, we just like whatever great songs we feel like we wrote, then we can have that conversation.

Is it pretty frustrating that as a band, you guys might have certain thoughts of whether your fans might want you to be heavy or people behind the scenes, like a label, might want you to do something different? Is it frustrating as an artist to sometimes have people knowingly or unknowingly pushing those kinds of restrictions?

I don't know that we let it get to us like that. The label is pretty like trusting. They give us a lot of freedom, especially when it comes to writing. I think we made a really great decision by going with Howard Benson because he's incredible, he's a good A&R. He's got an A&R mind, he knows when he hears a song if it’s a great song or not. And we’re just like, “Here's all of our songs. You tell us what songs are great songs.” And so we specifically focused on just creating. But yeah, I don't think we really took it into consideration of like, “Oh, fans want us to be heavy” because fans want a lot of things. But you know, we're human. And we create at our own pace, and the things we create that we're proud of, that can’t be dictated by anybody. And we want to give fans what they want because obviously, we need our fans. But I think most of our fans are pretty open-minded and they trust Issues. You know, we kind of bend genres and we break boundaries and I think that they like that from us. We obviously don't let people dictate what we do. But I also think fans like that we take this is that we... 

Take risks? 

Yeah, we take risks and we have that freedom. They expect that from us, they expect us to do exactly what we want to do especially when it comes to what the music sounds like. That's the funny part about people calling us “bubblegum pop” and haven't even heard anything [new] yet. Because if we were “selling out” -- people say we're selling out -- if we were selling out, we would just continue to make the fucking music that everybody wants us to make. We would just continue making the same heavy album or making whatever we know is going to work and we know is going to sell because our fans like that. And we'd be doing exactly what they want just so we can stay afloat and make money. We risk everything by taking a new direction because we don't know if it'll work. We don't know if people will like it. We don't know if it'll sell. We believe in it. We're confident in it. We think it's our best material ever. But to me selling out would be playing it safe.

How helpful was it for you creatively to have your solo record come out and help you express more of your R&B side, especially if some of those songs didn't make it on the new Issues record? 

Actually, a lot of the songs that we write or that we flip came from that and not necessarily my solo album or whatever, but I'm a songwriter and I have a career in songwriting. So it goes beyond my solo artist performance project or my band performance project, but also, I'm a studio writer so I'm always writing whether it's country songs or just acoustic folky songs or rap, R&B, pop, you know, whatever. So I mean, I just keep a stockpile [of songs]. I mean, it's like Prince. You know, Prince had hundreds of songs or Bruno Mars. Bruno Mars writes songs for all kinds of people then he also has the Bruno Mars performance, like his project. So I just keep a stockpile of songs at all times. And anytime I write a song, it goes in there. And I give the band access to that folder when we start writing because it's like, “Hey, if you hear a new song in here that could be cool or that speaks to you, let's turn it into an Issues song if it hasn't already been used or something.” And that's how a lot of our songs take on different shapes and different styles because if they hear a song that I wrote, and it's an R&B song, and then we make it a heavy song with breakdowns or something, that's where that style came from. Or if they hear a song that's like super upbeat and poppy, then we obviously put kind of a pop-punk twist on it -- that's how songs like “Mad At Myself,” and “Never Lose Your Flames” happened. 

With you writing so many different genres and musical styles, what inspires you to write something heavy? Is there heavy music that you're currently listening to?

I think my heavy is more like punk rock. And just like angsty upbeat emo music and stuff.

What's your go-to?

I'm a huge Distillers fan. So that was my angsty music that I listened to. I'm not super into metalcore [and] I'm not like hella into screamo. But I like some hardcore stuff if it's a little more on the, like, punk side. And I like angry pop-punk songs. 

Did you get to see The Distillers on their recent comeback tour?

No I didn’t, I was so bummed. But we're playing a festival together at the end of this tour so I get to see them then. I actually became friends with [Distillers vocalist/guitarist] Brody Dale a couple years ago and I text her, like, I keep up with her every once in a while. She's a mom and she's busy with her music career again -- thank god. I'm stoked for them to be touring and making music and stuff. But, yeah, so it's always brief [when we talk]. But I like to say, “Hey, what's up? Hope the kids are good” and stuff like that. I still haven't gotten to meet her in person yet but I'm looking forward to like finally meeting at that festival.

Okay, so last question. You mentioned metalcore and screamo music earlier -- now feel free to answer this however you’d like -- there's been activity on the Woe, Is Me account recently. Is that something you can comment on?

Yeah, I feel like [Woe, Is Me] had a pretty nice legacy going on with Number(S) and I felt like there was really no place on the internet or like a social media account to reminisce that era. And after just meeting a lot of people in music and meeting fans on my solo tour, people really had a lot to say about Woe, Is Me and a lot of producers I've worked with and writers -- you know, I did some work with Post Malone a couple years ago and he was a big Woe, Is Me fan. And I was like, “Dude, it's crazy how many people used to really get down to Woe, Is Me.” So I just felt like there wasn't a place to really go back and reflect on the legacy that we created with that album. So that's kind of why I wanted to make Number(S) pages again. You know, not saying anything bad about Hance [Alligood, ex-Woe, Is Me vocalist] or any of the later members or where it ended. But I just felt like, at its peak with Number(S), I felt like that should have a place on the internet. And also, I mean, if we were to do a 10-year anniversary of Number(S), it would have to be next fall. And there's really no other chance we would get if we were going to do it. Obviously, Michael [Bohn, ex-Issues, ex-Woe, Is Me vocalist] has obviously shut down rumors of that on the internet but that doesn't mean I couldn't see something happening next year. 

But yeah, I feel like you can't do [an anniversary] 10 years after that because by then people will have moved on. I don't think people will remember. And like, the next generation isn’t going to be bred on Woe, Is Me. So next year is really the only chance that you would ever be able to do it. And if we were going to, I would want the social media [accounts] to start growing now. So that we would have a platform to promote it and stuff. So you know, a lot of people are like, “Why would you do that? You're just trying to get money and blah, blah, blah.” It's like, “Dude, you think I'm not going to make money between now and next fall? You're fucking crazy.” This has nothing to do with money. It has everything to do with there was a legacy that people really still cling to, to this day. And I feel like we should honor that.

Looking back on that time in Woe, Is Me, how do you feel about it now? 

I had a good time. I mean, I think I was young. I was naive. I signed a record deal with no knowledge. I mean, as soon as I graduated high school, I went to the studio. And then right after the studio, we went on tour. So it happened really fast. And I wasn't educated enough. And I think leaving the band and learning how to be a songwriter, learning more about the music industry, learning about contracts, and educating myself, that was a really, really vital year for me. That was in 2012. That was a really vital year for me. And I think that I wouldn't have a career in music today if I hadn't made that decision because I probably would have gotten just swindled or like, I don't know. I just probably would have made some really poor decisions. So yeah, I mean, I owe my whole career to that reflecting period. And you know, I mean, Woe, Is Me really gave us a platform, it was different. I mean, you listen to it now and you're like, “God, the quality back then was so bad.” But at the time, that was a staple for a lot of people. 

And it kind of set the trend for a lot of other bands. 

Exactly. And you know, Fronz [Attila vocalist] hit me up on Twitter publicly and was like, “If Michael [Bohn] doesn't do [the anniversary], just bring me. I'll scream.” And I was like, “That would be so bad.” But then fans are like, “That would be fucking badass!” Because fans are like, “Well, if [Michael] doesn't want to do it, that's fine. That's on him.” And a lot of fans are like, “Well, you got to have him. You got to have you and him and the original lineup.” And then other fans are like, “Fuck that! We just want to go to a Woe, Is Me show and reminisce one time. If he doesn't want to do it, that's his respectful decision. But like, if Fronz wants to do it, then fucking do it!” 

AFTER LONG LAYOFF, PAVEMENT OFFSHOOT SPIRAL STAIRS RETURN TO THROW POIGNANT ‘DAGGERS’  (3 months ago on Clyrvnt)

By Raymond Cummings

Time was, Scott Kannberg’s strongest songs — from Pavement's iconoclastic “Hit the Plane Down” and pugnacious b-side “Stub Your Toe” to something like Preston School of Industry’s spindly “The Idea of Fires” — took flight on a riff and a prayer. These tunes were catchy, brusque and instinctually wrought, 7"-worthy wonders party-crashing the LPs or EPs they happened to come packaged along with. Doris and the Daggers is the Stockton, Calif., native’s fourth post-Pavement album and his second as Spiral Stairs, but it’s his best album because it arrives without those sonic M-80 firecrackers of yore. His songwriting here is eclectic, self-assured, mature and heartfelt, reflecting time’s unyielding march and a heavily stamped passport. A few weeks prior to the release of Doris and the Daggers, I interviewed Kannberg via telephone.

I thought you were back in California. When did you move to Mexico? We were. We moved back to Los Angeles in 2013, I think. We’ve been here in Mexico for like the last 10 months, in Merida, in the Yucátan. My wife’s parents, we lived kind of near them. They decided to move to Mexico because they had a house here in Merida, and we had an opportunity to be close to my parents and be close to them in Mexico. Then, in the end, we wound up following them to Mexico. I’m not sure how my parents feel about that. And also, Australia’s so far away, and we were spending so much money on travel. And I wanted to make music, and the people I make music with are in the States. We wanted to move back to San Francisco, but a lot of my friends from San Francisco are moving to L.A. At that time, L.A. was still pretty cheap, and it felt like San Francisco on the east side of town. But in the three years we lived in L.A., it got so expensive.

How do you like living in Mexico? Merida’s a pretty cool place; it’s really growing because it’s a real safe city. A lot of people from Mexico City and Monterrey are moving their families here, so it’s kinda bursting at the seams. But I don’t know any Spanish. Well, I know a little bit. You kinda have to know a little Spanish. There’s a lot of expats here. We have some friends, my wife knows a little Spanish. The food’s amazing, the culture’s amazing, the climate’s a little too hot for me. [Laughs] So, it’s okay, for a while.

I feel like, of all your solo records, Doris and the Daggers is the one that fits together best as an album. There’s normally albums where one or two songs stand out as “the singles”; the Preston School of Industry albums had that, to an extent. This one doesn’t have that; it feels like a whole. I try to create a comfortable listening experience. I look at it as two sides, like a vinyl record; I don’t make it for a streaming or CD kind of world, because I don’t know that world, really. I don’t know how bands like the Beatles made 35-minute records. The goal is to make it so that a listener is interested for 20 minutes, and then they turn the record over, maybe revisit the other side at another time.

For this record, I recorded probably 15 songs with Justin [Peroff, drummer of Broken Social Scene] and Matt [Harris, former bassist of the Posies], and then another 15 with others, and the songs really fit together well as a cohesive kind of thing. I never really try for singles, but I guess I can definitely see the Preston records as having more singles, or “single”-type songs.

This also feels like a more personal album, like you’re really putting yourself out there. I think so, too. There’s an emotional theme to it, I guess. I’ve been listening to a lot of those kinds of records — I really started to get into Lloyd Cole, who has sly lyrics, but they’re emotional. Maybe it comes from that. But maybe it’s that I’m older, more at ease with my songwriting.

One of my favorite songs from the album is “The Unconditional,” which conveys nicely what it’s like to be a parent as children reach that age where they can start making demands. Was there a particular moment that inspired this? I had the riff, and I had the basic music of the song. It was kind turning into this kind of Van Morrison-y thing, with horns. I had a rough idea of some of the lyrics, but a lot of these songs I actually made up the lyrics driving, or riding my bike. Behind our house in L.A., we had this amazing hiking trail. I’d go out there every day and listen to these songs, and whatever popped into my head, I’d jot down. Basically, you’re driving your kid to school and these things pop out of their mouths. [Laughs] I’ve always liked songs people wrote about their children. Everybody does that at some point; I wanted to have one.

Has your daughter heard it? Yeah! She loves it. She knows all the lyrics. She pronounces some of the words wrong. The thing I’m always amazed by with kids is how they retain the language. She’s saying some pretty complicated words. We let her watch little YouTube videos of people playing with toys, and I think that’s where she gets most of it from.

“No Comparison” was a surprise. It flows with the album, but it’s very staccato. It’s almost like disco. How did that one come together? I’ve always been a big fan of the Talking Heads. That’s where it started. I like the Happy Mondays, and I’ve always liked a good dance beat. Originally, “No Comparison” wasn’t intended to be like that, but it kinda morphed into it. The synthesizer element came way late. Kelley Stoltz, when I went up to do some things with him, he added those synthesizer lines; they’re so brash and funny-sounding that I had to keep them. This was my stab at a song off of Remain in Light or something, or something off of Flesh and Blood by Roxy Music. I did that in Pavement, too; “Passat Dream” was a dance-y kind of song. They come out every once in awhile.

I feel like this album has a lot of little touches that bring something special, like how on “Dance,” every time you sing that word in the chorus, there’s a horn stab. Yeah! The horn guys I had were incredible. That song took a real turn. If you heard the demo, it’s completely different — it sounds more like an early Wire song. It went in another direction when I got the horns on there, and I asked this friend of mine, Doug — who actually plays in a Roxy Music cover band — to play on the song and make it sound like Roxy Music. [Laughs]

I know that your longtime drummer, Darius Minwalla, passed away before recording started. Knowing that the vocal at the end of the title track was his really adds something — it’s kind of left-field without the context, but it’s emotional if you know. Can you tell me a bit about him? That vocal was a snippet from a video we put together for a tour from maybe 2004 or so, because Darius kinda came on after [Preston School of Industry's] Monsoon. It was kind of fitting to place it at the very end of the record, because the whole record is emotionally part of him, and I wanted to have his voice in there somehow.

A couple of these songs are about him. “Exiled Tonight” is about a dream I had. It was the last song I was going to record the vocals for. I didn’t have any good vocals, and I came into the studio one day, and the engineer stopped me halfway through and said, “Those lyrics are terrible.” I said, “I know they are.” He said, “Come back tomorrow.” That night I had this dream, where Darius is stuck in the afterlife, and it was a kind of a sign that I had to finish the song so I could finish the record. Another song, “Angel Eyes,” has a verse about him, that the very last song he ever played on drums was “No More Heroes” by the Stranglers.

I think it was a freak accident. He had a bad heart that he didn’t tell anybody about; he had a heart attack and died a month before we were supposed to record up in Seattle. It kinda threw everyone for a loop. It sent me in a different direction for this album.

He was a great guy. I’d known him a long time. He seemed pretty happy in his life. When I moved to Seattle in the early 2000s, he was the Posies’ drummer; Matt Harris, who played on Doris and the Daggers, was the bass player for the Posies. After the Monsoonrecord, Darius started playing with us; he’s the drummer on The Real Feel. After I left Seattle, I moved to Australia, and we lost touch for four or five years. He was supposed to play on Doris.

Justin from Broken Social Scene was really good friends with Darius, too, and he called me up and asked if he could drum.

“Exiled Tonight” seemed, to me, like a touring travelogue. With Pavement, you were touring constantly. Do you miss the touring life? I do miss it. With Pavement, in the old days, we worked it pretty hard. We did every single show anybody asked us to do. We did it on a shoestring budget. I think it kinda wore us down in the end. The reunion tour was great because it was at a much bigger level, and we had a crew and could stay in hotel rooms; it was like a nice vacation, really. This solo stuff is still shoestring, but it’s still touring, and I’m excited about it. I’m going next week to play SXSW, six shows there, then we’ll do a West Coast tour in April, an East Coast / Midwest tour in June.

Eight years separate The Real Feel and Doris. Do you have a big backlog of unreleased songs? Sorta. I didn’t really write that many songs after The Real Feel. But the way I do things, it takes me a long time to get up and running, and when I do start writing songs, I write a lot of songs. I try to use most of them on the records or as b-sides. Most of these are from the last few years. Some of them date back to The Real Feel era, but they sound a lot different than they used to. I’ve already written my next record, and I’m ready to record that!

You’re way ahead of the curve. I don’t wanna fool around. I don’t think you need to, anymore; you can kinda just put things out when you wanna put 'em out. I’m not gonna wait another eight years.

What does the song title “AWM” stand for? It stands for “Always Wanted More.” It’s about my ex-wife. Chrissy was a big part of Pavement; we split up in 2003 or 2004. She’s still around, in San Francisco. She comes to shows. It was tough. It was pretty tough times in Seattle, after the divorce, but then I met Sarah, and things changed after that. I’m much happier.

The Masked Singer Season 3 Episode 10: It’s Super 9 Time! (April Fools Episode Commentary and Guesses)

Hi my fellow Masked Singer peeps! It’s finally Super 9 time! Nick Cannon has been talking about this for forever and everyone wants to be here... so here we are! Half of the contestants are gone and now we have 9 left (well after this post it’s 8, but you get the picture). So, since I have so many to cover (9 is way harder than 5 or 6 when it comes to detail), I am going to follow a tighter format with me only mentioning the Super Clue and April Fool’s clue after the performance. I will also mention judges’ guesses just bc most of my guesses haven’t changed (except 1, you’ll see). Ok, so let’s get started... 

Disclaimer: There will be a ton of spoilers so don’t read if you haven’t caught up on the show. Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.

So, how the Super 9 works was that each group (A,B, and C) performs and of the 3 contestants, the ones who were in the bottom 3 were: White Tiger for Group A, Banana for Group B, and Rhino for Group C. 

Of those bottom 3, the one with the least votes who went home/got unmasked was: 

*DRUMROLL PLEASE* 

White Tiger 

Ya, so is anyone really surprised at this point? His performance was um, ya, um... let’s just say my thought after watching was wtf man. I was a bit uncomfortable and hoping for it to end. He sang “I’m too Sexy” by Right Said Fred and let’s just say it was the strangest (and not in a good way) performance I have ever seen. Having said that, I have known for weeks who he is.... 

So White Tiger was revealed to be... 

ROB GRONKOWSKI (AKA GRONK) 

Super Clue: He was doing the floss dance and shooting a basketball while saying “Swish Swish.” Gronk appeared in Katy Perry’s Swish Swish music video, which also featured the Backpack Kid who popularized the floss dance. April Fools Clue: “I’m just not bronze, I’m brains. I even wrote a best selling book.” Gronk wrote a book called “It’s Good to be Gronk.” 

Judges’ Guesses: 

Jenny and Robin: Rob Gronkowski (they were right yay, thank God, finally the judges got it... well at least some of them) 

Ken: J.J. Watt (sigh... Ken is always wrong... not shocked) 

Nichole: Joe Maginello/John Cena (both wrong... sigh... Nichole is turning into Ken with the terrible guesses) 

Alrighty, now that we are done with that, let’s talk about the remaining 8 contestants in the order they performed:

1. Turtle 

Performance: Omg you guys know how in love I am with the Turtle and I was so happy and excited to see him perform once more, I really want him to win. In this performance, he sang Higher Love by Steve Winwood. I honestly loved it, it was amazing! He looked so cool and effortless maneuvering the stage. Also, it showed a lot of his vocal potential and I want to see more of what he can do with his falsetto and hitting the high notes, because he just gets better and better. Can’t you tell I just love him? 

Anyways, having said that, my guess still stands as: 

JESSE MCCARTNEY 

Super Clue: Shown was a comic book titled “The Amazing Adventures of Shellboy” and it was priced at $10.13. He voices Robin in the animated series based on the comic book “Young Justice,” and it aired from 2010-2013, but it got renewed again in 2019. 

April Fools Clue: “I am not just known for one thing.” This one is too easy, he is not just a musician but is also an actor in various roles in both film and TV. 

Judges’ Guesses: 

Robin: Drew Lachey (ya, wtf, no) 

Ken: Brian Littrell (again, no... too simple to go the boy band route) 

Nichole: Nick Lachey (ok, Nichole, that was just lazy, going off of Robin and picking the sibling, again I say wtf no) 

Jenny: Chris Evans (woah, that one was way off of left field Jenny, almost a Ken guess) 

2. Kangaroo 

Performance: Ok, she isn’t my favorite ngl, but I can’t deny she is really good in terms of voice. However, this performance was not her best. Her voice was pretty shaky. The song, which was Not Ready to Make Nice by the Dixie Chicks, didn’t really show her entire vocal range I feel, but honestly if it is who I think it is, that’s a low key shady song choice, but I get the shade so I'm not mad. 

The person that I am referring to as my guess is: 

JORDYN WOODS 

Super Clue: Inflatable Kangaroo came out of her pouch and she said “alright dolls” = the inflatable kangaroo could be a reference to her younger sister who she refers to as her “mini-me” and the dolls reference is when she played a doll in Justin Roberts’s music video 

April Fools Clue: “I may be a kangaroo but I have never lived in Australia.” yup, self explanatory, the girl ain’t from Australia, and has never lived there. 

Judges’ Guesses:

Jenny: Amber Rose (holy crap, that was painfully close, especially with the Kardashian drama and connection she mentioned as her reasoning for her guess) 

Nichole: Leann Rimes (yikes, another really bad guess) 

Robin: India Arie (idk who she is, but seems like an ok guess)

3. Kitty 

Performance: Ok, ok, this is the one that I changed my mind about and it was such a hard pill to swallow to suck it up and say I am wrong and the Internet is right about this one. Every time I put my old guess on YT, (Lucy Hale) I always get “NO, IT’S *insert person I am about to mention in a moment*” and a bunch of people trying to convince me and I finally caved and agreed but that was because of one specific clue in particular, but we will get into that later. Her performance of Celine Dion’s “It's all coming back to me now” was so powerful and strong as are every Celine Dion song ever but to me it was her best performance to date and now I am clear on this new guess...

The new guess I have for Kitty that the Internet has nagged me about is: 

JACKIE EVANCHO (she’s from AGT, she sang opera as a like 7-year-old, well that’s how I remember her) 

Super Clue: The Tree from Season 2 and her saying “Christmas is the most wonderful time of year” = she has 3 Christmas albums 

April Fools Clue: “I wasn’t dreaming when Robert Redford helped me get my first role.” = he got her the role in The Company You Keep when she was 12 years old. 

Judges’ Guesses:

Robin: Emma Roberts (no... that doesn’t sound like Emma’s voice) 

Jenny: Vanessa Hudgens (Vanessa can’t sing like that either) 

Nichole: Nichole Richie (Really? Ya, I don’t think so.) 

Ken: Avril Lavigne (You’re kidding, right?) 

4. Banana 

Performance: Ok, so this performance was much different from his previous ones. I feel like he is starting to show more of his true self and not hiding his voice as much. With the song “Sweet Home Alabama” by Lynyrd Skynyrd, he showed more rasp in his voice than he did before which kind of made it more obvious to who it could be. 

That ever so obvious guess for Banana is... 

BRET MICHAELS 

Super Clue: A mullet was shown and Bret Michaels isn’t a stranger to the mullet, it’s a signature to his image 

April Fools Clue: “Blue collar means many things. I’m a funny guy, but not stand-up funny.” Ya, easy again, Bret Michaels is the lead singer of Poison and he does have a sense of humor, but he isn’t a comedian nor has he done stand-up at all. 

Judges’ Guesses:

Ken & Nichole: Brad Paisley (not their worst guess, but it’s too country of a singer... Banana fuses the country with a bit of rock) 

Jenny: Bret Michaels (she’s getting it... yay Jenny is catching on) 

Robin: Billy Ray Cyrus (see, this would have been a good guess, if he hadn’t have sung a Billy Ray Cyrus song in a previous round) 

5. Frog 

Performance: He sang “Jump” by Kris Kross and again he isn’t my favorite but he is pretty entertaining. For some reason, he is my mom and my friend’s favorite, which I don’t get. Whatever, anyways, this performance was fun and energetic and he is a great rapper/dancer what can I say? I feel the same way about him as I did about Kangaroo. Anyways, he is to easy to figure out...

My guess for Frog is still... 

BOW WOW (aka Chad Moss) 

Super Clue: Knight Armor= he was in a movie where he was a basketball player for the LA Knights 

April Fools Clue: “I am actually not a trained dancer at all.” = ya, duh, he’s never been known for being one either.

Judges’ Guesses:

Ken: Sisqo (what? just because of one irrelevant clue, you choose that Ken... le sigh) 

Jenny: Lil Romeo (meh... I guess that’s kinda close but no) 

Robin: Omarion (again, like Jenny’s guess... kinda close but not there yet) 

6. Night Angel 

Performance: With her performance of Rise Up by Andrea Day (which is A+ song choice), she proves that she is one of the strongest vocally in the competition. However, that's it, she doesn't dance or entertain as much as some of the other contestants do. Nevertheless, she has an insane vocal range and I still am sticking with my gut on this one... 

I am convinced Night Angel is.... 

Kandi Burruss 

Super Clue: Tricycle= reference to either her 3 kids or her high school, Tri-Cities High School (or both who knows?) 

April Fools Clue: “I am not just a voice, I am a mogul.” yup, self-explanatory, this lady does it all. She has a restaurant, a makeup line, a line of adult toys (let’s say that to keep it clean and PG) and has done multiple spin-offs of RHOA following her life, so mogul indeed.

Judges’ Guesses:

Ken: Tiesha Campbell (not the worst guess from Ken but still it’s a no from me) 

Jenny: Brandi (idk man.... idk who that is) 

Robin: Tamar Braxton (omg so close yet so far)

7. Rhino

Performance: Ok, so he was trying to be upbeat with What a Man Gotta Do by Jonas Brothers and I appreciate the effort, it wasn’t bad by any means. He does have a fantastic voice, but this was not his strongest performance. He did do a little dance move there and it was kind of everything ngl, but his strength is ballads. They just fit his tone so much better, but having said that, he took me a while to figure out but I feel good about my guess...

I feel like the Rhino is... 

BARRY ZITO 

Super Clue: A Slot Machine= he was born in Las Vegas (and he also got a baseball move called the three-quarter slot or something like that but I don't know sports so I am not good at these kind of things)

April Fools Clue: “I am not nearly as tall as you think I am.” The Rhino mask is as tall as White Tiger (Gronk is 6 feet 6 inches for comparison) but the mask adds more height to Barry Zito, who is only 6′ 2″ 

Judges’ Guesses:

Nichole: Vince Gill (meh... that’s a pretty ok guess but ya not there yet) 

Jenny: Derek Jeter (what?! I get baseball referencing but he can’t sing, he has no albums, come on Jenny do better) 

Robin: Duff McKavin from Guns N’ Roses (pretty ok of a guess too, but think less rock, more country... this would have been a more suitable guess for Banana) 

8. Astronaut

Performance: Last but not least, another favorite of mine, we are starting off with a favorite and ending with another one. He freaking Rick rolled everyone (Google it if you don’t get the whole Rick Roll thing.. too long of a post to explain) with “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Ashely, but it was the best Rick Roll ever like I can listen to his voice sing anything (objectively it’s a pretty darn good song if you remove the meme aspect to it). Damn, bro, like his falsetto in the song was amazing. Like I said for Turtle, I wanna see more of his range. Also, like he freaking spoke in his performance unfiltered voice and everything and it was so obvious who it is like how are the judges not getting this? 

The lovely guy I think the Astronaut is (yes I have a soft spot for the Astronaut, don’t make fun of me)...

Hunter Hayes (and mind you, I also have a soft spot for him too) 

Super Clue: Holding a record with a world on it breaking (breaking a world record)= we already spoke about this earlier but refresher this guy right here Mr. Hunter Hayes, ya him, broke the Guinness World Record for playing the most shows in most cities in 24 hours, with 10 being the number of cities he played

April Fools Clue: “I’ve never had traditional voice training” = easy, Hunter has said this in many interviews in the past and recently had issues with his voice so he got a vocal coach to fix it 

Judges’ Guesses:

Ken: JC Chasez from NSYNC (really Ken? Boy Bands again? Are you really that basic and that clueless?) 

Jenny: David Archuleta (not bad of a guess, pretty ok, but the voices don’t really match up) 

Nichole: Ryan Tedder (again, not bad, but it is too obvious that it is like mind blowing they aren’t getting it) 

Ok, so ya wow that was a lot! I did it tho! This was my recap, sorry for the length, but I hope you enjoyed. See you in the next one! So excited to see what they will be doing next! 

The Voice Performance Finale Recap: Did Maelyn Jarmon Sound Unbeatable?

RELATED STORIES

Ahead of Monday’s Season 16 Finals of The Voice, I was feeling pretty — eh, make that extremely — eh, make that totally sure that Maelyn Jarmon was a lock to win. Why? For starters, she’d been the standout after the Blinds (and even topped TVLine’s countdown of the most promising auditioners). Over the course of the season, she’d never gotten a grade that was less than a B+. She’d consistently topped TVLine’s “Who gave the best performance?” polls. And unlike Blake Shelton’s country boys, she was in a lane of her own. All she had to do was not trip herself up in her last performances. Even if she did, I suspected she could still beat the guys. (On the other hand, I thought there was no way that Season 15’s Kennedy Holmes could lose, either… ) How’d Maelyn and Team Blake fare? Read on, we’ll discuss, then you can offer your predictions in the comments.

Original Single Maelyn Jarmon (Team Legend), “Wait for You” — Grade: A- | Maelyn’s single, which she told us reminded her of her faraway boyfriend, landed squarely in the vein of singer-songwriter-y pop classics like Natasha Bedingfield’s “Unwritten” (though with a bit more energy than that particular number). It wasn’t hard to imagine “Wait for You” being the theme to whatever the next Dawson’s Creek might be; it was that sorta anthem. Needless to say, Maelyn sang the living daylights out of it. There were a couple of moments that veered a little close to pitchy, but overall, this was typical Maelyn. In other words, gorgeous.

Duet With Coach Andrew Sevener and Blake Shelton, “All Right Now” — Andrew’s Grade: B+ | After Blake told us that his first impression of Andrew was damn, what a sexy voice, the two of them took to the stage, and Andrew came alive. They didn’t really gel when they sang together on the choruses, but when Andrew sang by himself, it was clear that he was trying to wake us up and shake us up — mission accomplished. There was a lotta extra gravel in his vocal, and I loved it. Overall, the Free cover was just kinda eh, but I majorly appreciated the oomph that Andrew gave it (as well as the room that Blake gave his contestant to shine).

Cover Dexter Roberts (Team Blake), “Anything Goes” — Grade: A | Before Dexter went on, Blake suggested that this Randy Houser song was the ideal choice for him, because he tends to really pour his heart into a performance, and this one has a whole lotta heart — broken, but still. On stage, Dexter sounded entirely radio-ready; like, they could just slap this performance unsweetened on iTunes, and nobody would bat an eyelash. What I especially loved about it was that there was a one-whiskey-too-many quality to his voice. He sounded like a man ruined — and I mean that as a compliment. He didn’t just sing the ballad, he inhabited it, and the result was a thing of crushing beauty.

Duet With Coach Gyth Rigdon and Blake Shelton, “Take It Easy” — Gyth’s Grade: B- | Before the duo took to the stage with the Travis Tritt version of The Eagles classic, Blake praised Gyth’s “willingness to embrace the Amish culture with the beard.” Ha. When the spotlight fell on them, Gyth looked like he was having a blast and acquitted himself nicely. But there was just no way that his voice was gonna stack up against Blake’s, even if Blake wasn’t trying to show off (which he wasn’t). Blake could walk through a song and still sound like a million bucks. Gyth, while a fine singer, has a thinner, less memorable voice, simple as that. He sounds like a good backup singer, not a future superstar. So of the country boys, Dexter was definitely the frontrunner for me at this point.

Original Single Andrew Sevener (Team Blake), “Rural Route Raising” — Grade: B | “The music is kinda what I wanna do as an artist,” said Andrew while recording his rollicking single with Blake. Right off the bat, it was gonna be hard for me not to be distracted by the fact that Andrew kept pronouncing “rural” as a one-syllable word. On stage, he started off kinda restrained, but I hoped that was OK; it would give him somewhere to go with the number. And it did build as it went along, leading to a chorus that reminded me totally of some other song. (Anyone else get that feeling? I couldn’t think of the song, though.) Anyway, this was good, but I didn’t think Andrew was gonna win over, say, any Dexter fans with a performance whose smoke mostly came from the fog machines, not his voice. This needed to have more fire for him to have a chance at the title.

Duet With Coach Maelyn Jarmon and John Legend, “Unforgettable” — Maelyn’s Grade: A | When John started singing, I totally heard what Maelyn had been talking about before they hit the stage: He really does sound like Nat King Cole. Maelyn’s vocal was as silky-smooth as the evening gown she was wearing (though I wouldn’t have objected if her mic had been turned up a smidgen). By the time they were through, I was thinking that this might be the best duet cover of a classic since Kristin Chenoweth and Matthew Morrison’s “A House Is Not a Home” on Glee once upon a time.

Cover Gyth Rigdon (Team Blake), “Once in a Blue Moon” — Grade: C | In rehearsal, Gyth felt the pressure. It had been nerve-racking enough for him to do a song of his coach’s, but to do a song by his coach’s hero, the late Earl Thomas Conley? Yikes. I felt for him. And I really wanted to love this — it played to Gyth’s strength, emotional ballads. But I kinda didn’t even like it. He wasn’t horrible — this wasn’t a Talon Cardon situation or anything. Gyth just lacked the confidence, not to mention the vocal chops, to really do the number justice. Tellingly, Kelly Clarkson said more about the song and Gyth’s tux than she did about his singing.

Original Single Dexter Roberts (Team Blake), “Looking Back” — Grade: A | When Dexter was in the studio working on his single with Blake, I thought it sounded like a smash — like it coulda been a No. 1 for Aerosmith. On stage, the number started off a little mumbly, but there was no denying that chorus — it was massive, and Dexter sounded flippin’ tremendous on it. On top of that, he looked on stage like he knew, “Yeah, this is working.” He was totally in the zone. So much so, as a matter of fact, that I was starting to think hmm, maybe that win for Maelyn wasn’t quite such a lock. After the performance, Blake said that he thought Dexter was the most ready of all the contestants to record an album and become a megastar.

Cover Andrew Sevener (Team Blake), “Lips of an Angel” — Grade: C | Holy Waylon Jennings, I do love Andrew’s voice; it sounds as well-worn as your favorite pair of jeans. Still, I worried when he told his coach in rehearsal that he wasn’t going to attack Hinder’s song as he usually would but go for a more emotional approach. And it turned out I was right to worry. The idea was sound. Unfortunately, Andrew was a little off. And even if he’d sung it perfectly, the number didn’t have the energy or the “wow” factor to lure any votes away from the frontrunners. “You’re having a breakout night tonight,” Blake told Andrew afterward. But as big a fan of Andrew’s as I am, all I could think was, “A breakout night? As in break out the beer, because he won’t be winning Tuesday?”

Duet With Coach Dexter Roberts and Blake Shelton, “Hard-Workin’ Man” — Dexter’s Grade: A- | I might be Team Maelyn, but especially after Monday, I can’t say that Dexter wouldn’t make an absolutely credible victor. And his performance with his coach just dropped an exclamation point at the tail end of that thought. Tackling Brooks & Dunn with Blake, Dexter sounded as casual as his mentor. Like, “Yup, I always sound this good, no big whoop. We’re just having some fun up here.” And he certainly looked like he was having fun. That combo in my mind is money in the bank — and it could lead to an upset Tuesday.

Original Single Gyth Rigdon (Team Blake), “Proof I’ve Always Loved You” — Grade: B+ | Credit where it’s due: The single Gyth wrote was solid — and smart, too. As you’d hope he would, he played to his strengths, not challenging himself vocally to stretch any further than he comfortably could. So this was his strongest vocal of the night. On top of that, the rapid-fire parts of the number were edgy and cool, like he was occasionally an alt-country auctioneer or something. I still don’t think, vocally, he’s any competition for Dexter. But this was pretty damn good.

Cover Maelyn Jarmon (Team Legend), “Hallelujah” — Grade: A+ | Well, if you wanna show that you’re a singer with a capital S, Leonard Cohen’s classic is the song to do it with! “I felt the pain,” said her coach as she packed the number with longing in rehearsal. On stage, Maelyn sounded like she had a trophy case full of Grammys at home — or soon would. She sang with an emotion that drew me in (and made me freaking cry, no less!) and a precision that made me think future studio engineers working on her records were going to love her — how much easier could she make their jobs?!? There’d be nothing to fix! Needless to say, I hereby take back everything I said previously about Dexter being a viable winner; it has to be Maelyn. Has. To.

So, who stood out for you overall Monday? Vote in the poll below, then hit the comments with the order you think the Final Four will finish in. (Good as Dexter was, I’m still going with: 4. Gyth. 3. Andrew. 2. Dexter. 1. Maelyn.)

Take Our Poll

Source: https://tvline.com/2019/05/20/the-voice-recap-top-4-performances-maelyn-jarmon-dexter-roberts/