Schönbrunn Palace, Vienna, Austria,

Among the prized possessions of the huge collection at Schönbrunn Palace are valuable Chinese screens from the imperial manufactory in Beijing.

Their black lacquer panels masterly-painted with gold using the Chinese Miaojin technique were placed in panelling made from flamed maple and set with a gilded frame in 1770.

Delicate gold paintings of landscapes, pagodas and floral patterns have been captivating the eye since that time in the Vieux-Laque Room, giving expressions of happiness, fortune, transience and immortality.

Maybe I could love a number of others, whether physically or spiritually. But I know that it would never reach the depth and completeness of my love for you. I could never want to belong to someone else the way I want in both body and heart to belong to you. -Qiu Miaojin, Last Words From Montmartre

I don’t want to be close to you again. Our fighting knows no end. I want you to shatter the illusions I created, and go out and love someone else. Don’t love too much but don’t fail to love, either. Love prudently. Love realistically, just enough to treat someone well. Though you don’t love me anymore, relationship or not, I want you to be well now and always. I want you to love someone else, even if it hurts me.

Qiu Miaojin, Notes of a Crocodile (translated by Bonnie Huie)

collage I did back in June based on one of my favourite books, notes of a crocodile by qiu miaojin!!

There are some sorrows so great that they are unspeakable, taking hold in the body and leaving a void after the fact. There are some depths that love can never again reach. The mind anoints every fossil with significance in an attempt to preserve it—but in time, they all invariably turn to dust.

Qiu Miaojin, from Notes of a Crocodile (trans. Bonnie Huie)

You ask me what I mean by “devotion.” Devotion means I give you both my body and soul; it means I place both in your hands, and so in turn I desire your body and soul. And you ask me, “Why you? Why not someone else?” Because I can never give myself body and soul so completely to anyone else, and I can never desire someone else, body and soul, so completely.

Qiu Miaojin, Last Words From Montmartre (1996)

“- this creature is animated by a spirit in perpetual motion, always ready to take-leave, to spring into action, which is to say passion, and to leap from one form to the next - ”

- Hélène Cixous describing Taiwanese lesbian author Qiu Miaojin

Check out our podcast to learn about Qiu Miaojin and lesbian life in 90s Taiwan

In confronting my desires, ] felt sorrow and regret over my former, unrealistic ways of thinking, but I was also moved and inspired. After having come so close to ending my life, I came back, my will to live completely re-awakened. I faced reality, where I would learn to live again, this time boldly and fearlessly. My body was screaming at me, telling me that life was a gift. The agony of the past few years, like the conflict between the real me and the one everyone knew, is gone. I even feel a little sorry for my old self, so feeble and self-pitying. It seems I’ve finally come around to living the life I’ve always dreamed of.

qiu miaojin, notes of a crocodile

Who was the real me, then? It was an abstraction that hadn’t yet taken shape in my lifetime.

-Qiu Miaojin, Notes of a Crocodile

still thinking about Notes of a Crocodile

"My life was extraordinarily lacking in all sense of reality, as if I were watching a different me playing various characters within a mirage. I wanted to be kicked out into reality so badly…"

— from Notes of a Crocodile by Qiu Miaojin; translated by Bonnie Huie

My soul is slipping away from you even as I try to cling to it. -Qiu Miaojin, Last Words From Montmartre

The best way for any relationship to end is with the sentiment I wish the best for you, and I am grateful for what we once had together.

Qiu Miaojin, Notes of a Crocodile (translated by Bonnie Huie)

I'd taken everyone I loved and killed them off in my heart, one by one. I'd long been tending their graves— secretly visiting and mourning during the day, going out and erecting a cross on starry nights, lying inside and awaiting my own death on starless nights.

Qiu Miaojin, Notes Of A Crocodile

On how to love well: Instead of embracing a romantic ideal, you must confront the meaning of every great love that has shattered, shard by shard.

Qiu Miaojin, from Notes of a Crocodile (trans. Bonnie Huie)

Fave Five: Queer Taiwanese Fiction

Fave Five: Queer Taiwanese Fiction

Bestiary by K-Ming Chang Ghost Town by Kevin Chen Notes of a Crocodile by Qiu Miaojin The Membranes by Chi Ta-wei Solo Dance by Kotomi Li

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