#me reading todays entry like
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Jack, sweetie, don't you have any other patients to worry about 🤨
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today is the first day that dracula daily really hit me emotionally. i've read the book before, years ago. but finally getting news about jonathan, even though it's not from his hand, was so impactful after MONTHS of nothing! like. reading it so spread out in real time makes it such a different experience than just reading the book in whatever speed it takes you to read it.
i actually felt relief from sister agatha's letter. even though i've read this book before! i thought, wow finally! some actual news from jonathan! and it's not a letter he was forced to write under duress!
i am just really enjoying this whole experience. it's truly the best way to read this story
#dracula daily#i'm not the first person who's said something to this effect on here#but today's entry just really hit me for some reason#i actually teared up reading sister agatha's letter#like there was some hope of jonathan getting back to mina#it really gave a sense of the relief mina must feel after not hearing from him for so long#and now i can't wait to see how mina reacts
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Playing 3DS games after having seen the overall fandom response to release and long-term impact and the way it's looked back on and such is... bizarre, honestly? Like, maybe it's just because we got our introduction to gaming in the 3DS era, but it's incredibly strange to know that games we knew and loved and would have considered relatively mainstream just... didn't stick in people's minds.
Like, take the Gen 6 Pokemon games. Those were great games! One of the single things about X/Y/OR/AS that we don't see people talking about but that stuck in our mind was how the developers made an effort to make it so that every single Pokemon in the games prior was spread between just those four games! We remember that just the sheer variety of potential Pokemon available was enough to get us a start into challenge runs simply by virtue of how much variety could be added to a playthrough by the sheer amount of potential on offer!
We remember spending hours just... hunting around the region to figure out where those last Pokemon we needed to fill the 'dex were, wandering around to try and find Hidden Ability pokemon from Horde battles, getting to actually interact with our Pokemon in Pokemon Amie.
Yeah, there were more obscure games out there, and yeah, they impacted us as well - Pocket Card Jockey stands out in this regard, as an extremely fun game that we're pretty sure was played by maybe three people, maximum, but it's not quite the same. These were games that we played ourself! These were games we saw other people playing, that we played with people over the internet, that felt like they were well-known! We were under the impression that these were mainstream interests, not Niche! it feels... singularly bizarre to realize that, for the majority of people out there, this game was a forgettable disappointment.
#we speak#nintendo 3ds#obviously theres the nostalgia factor and such since the 3ds was the first gaming console we ever owned#as well as our ONLY gaming console for like. right up until ~2 years ago we think?#but like. youre telling us that x/y is less popular than sun/moon?#you mean there are real actual people who think that hgss's following mechanic was more notable than xy's entire bottom screen?#you don't like petting pokemon? pat pat?#we went into hacking our spare ds today and getting some games off of hshop#and like. gods. do you know how fucking bizarre it is to go into the games that shaped our...#well. maybe not childhood but certainly a substantial part of our teen life#and discover that all of the games that we remember loving the most are like. seen as Forgotten Entries or Black Sheep?#this doesn't just extend to x/y btw#we see a lot of people dunking on like. gates to infinity? and like yeah gti wasnt the most POLISHED entry out of em#but it was still an incredibly enjoyable game that had massive impact on later entries in the series#gates to infinity's core themes carried forward into super mystery dungeon to the point that psmd can read as a direct continuation of it!#its like. augh! youre telling me that when we say we loved gti we're expressing an opinion only shared by like three people?#what are we? the Random Black Sheep Unloved By The Fandom As A Whole Guy?#...well. we mean. we kind of are that guy judging by our taste in characters but STILL#you cant tell us that the games that made up most of our communication outside of our family for over a year are Forgotten#and just expect us to like. be okay with it#when we said we were going to get more weird we didn't mean learning people think the 3ds games are The Worst In The Series#what do u MEAN u genuinely think that xy is the worst in the series and have proof we are playing it right now and its very fun#how about our proof huh. we are using a mothim for our nuzlocke run and having a great time. if u think its too easy turn off the exp share#we are in your house and home#we are also mad that swsh doesnt let you turn off the exp share from when we played it in a totally legal and not piracy related way
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i love u nighttime showers <33
#they make me feel like im in my own world#heres my little diary entry for the day !!#i did scary adult things today all on my own >:/ i was so nervous ive been up since 3 am#but i had a cute outfit picked out n i did my hair all nice !!#just faking it til i make it (ㅠ﹏ㅠ)#i got sushi for lunch too !! as a treat :)#now im laying in bed w my eye gels on n my dog n my decaf coffee <33#im so into the brothers karamazov rn i want to try to read at least a little bit before i go to sleep so ig this is goodnight <33#love u !!
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trying to find evidence of completion of my first ever fanfiction using web archive and like. I kind of found it but I can only read the last chapter and I can't see the stats on it but have a looksie at the cringe relic of the past I found
If you aren't old enough to remember the era of adding random x's to your usernames to look edgy don't look at me pls
Let's talk about the homepage too and how you can tell what fandoms were popular in 2009
But like why was Pinocchio a top story tag I don't remember that being a thing LOL
#I. Actually want to die reading this journal#Bc I like. Gave active updates on my writing in it sounding like I was famous#But it wasn't like popular at all lmao#I mean maybe for a baby writer but tbh it's nothing by today's standards#Giving updates like “I'm sorry I'm behind =(”#Am I having a stroke bc this seems like too many xD's and :3's for one person#I still do the update thing but really it's only for me to vent lmao#I have a lot of journal entries
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Please don’t delete aiekoy! 😭 it’s seriously one of the most well written fanfics I’ve read, the plot is so unique compared to the others I’ve read and there’s so many layers!! I seriously love it, I reread it this weekend as a refresher for the new parts you put out recently 😭🤍 you’re so talented! Your story has so much heart, I love it!
i found a journal entry today from earlier this year, and it was basically about how i wanted to get back into writing because of how much happiness and love it brought me. in that same journal entry i talked about finally posting some of my work. that work is the aiekoy series.
as frustrating as it is sometimes to not get the interactions with this series i desire, i don’t think i could ever permanently delete aiekoy. it can just be a bit sad sometimes because people have no problem liking parts of the fic, but it can feel a bit lonely and at times like i’m a machine just pumping out chapters because of the lack of verbal interaction.
but alas, i love aiekoy too much to quit it. and i love the community it has built that i know have the same love and respect for it that i do.
thank you anon for all the love you have for aiekoy 🤍🫶🏽
#that journal entry really hit me today#i read it and i was just like wtf#i will not be deleting aikeoy#just lack of interaction can get to a writer ya know?#[aiekoy] asks#vee answers °•. ✿ .•°
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Still having emotions about Renfield in today’s entry...
“Can't you hear me, man? Can't you understand? Will you never learn? Don't you know that I am sane and earnest now; that I am no lunatic in a mad fit, but a sane man fighting for his soul? Oh, hear me! hear me! Let me go! let me go! let me go!”
I just - the absolute nightmare of having something vital to communicate, and communicating it, and yet not being believed... becoming more and more desperate as you fail and go on failing, because it is like there is a glass wall between your mind and the mind of the other person, and you can see how close you are, how simple it should be to reach them, but no matter how hard you beat your fists against the barrier you cannot break through. And then for your desperation to be taken as a sign that you should not be believed - !
No wonder Renfield took refuge in scorning Van Helsing as a fool when he visited; no wonder he tried to return to his previous worship of Dracula, to persuade himself that stealing life from others was morally acceptable, to stop caring who got hurt in the process. No wonder he didn’t want to talk about souls. If you absolutely cannot believe that something is any less than monstrous, and you absolutely cannot prevent yourself from enabling it to happen... then what in the wide world are you to do?
#renfield#dracula daily#dracula#cw ableist language#cw being disbelieved#cw disbelief#idk i feel like i should content-warning for the topic but i have no idea what to put#anyway. today's entry Violently reminded me of why i loved renfield so much when i first read this book#this man deserves so much better#...hey. was renfield the real Sympathic Tormented Vampire('s thrall) all along??#he deserves better than to have his angst given to dracula!! rude
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Before sunrise and sunset, however, she is very wakeful and alert; and it has become a habit for Van Helsing to hypnotise her at such times. At first, some effort was needed, and he had to make many passes; but now, she seems to yield at once, as if by habit, and scarcely any action is needed. He seems to have power at these particular moments to simply will, and her thoughts obey him. He always asks her what she can see and hear.
there's something in this, though I can't quite assemble my thoughts just yet. the way mina has learned to yield to van helsing's hypnosis, the way jonathan describes it as van helsing willing, and mina's thoughts obeying... it really hammers in that dracula and van helsing are foils, and van helsing seems to have a great deal of power over hypnotized!mina's thoughts and willing her to speak, vs dracula using the psychic bond to restrain/suppress mina during the day.
#dracula daily#october 15#mina harker#van helsing#havent made an original non memey post in a while#or at all#but ya boi RAN to tumblr when i read today’s entry#the parallels really hit me and i'm always a sucker for narrative foils#watsonian pov it's great that the process of hypnosis has gotten easier#at least for the other drac hunters who can now check in on drac much more easily#though im worried abt how thisll affect mina#and from a more doylist perspective it’s discomfiting to see vh have that kind of power over mina given his track record#like i love him but uh. the vibes of this are off. and i wish we could see some of mina's pov here#for her mind to not be her own#whether bc of dracula's restraint or vh's hypnosis...#emile speaks
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good sister has been extra vigilant of me now that im the last one sick
#wanted to archive it here bc i feel i look at my ol posts for memories more than journal entries sometimes#talkys#anyway she's the one who's been making sure i dont have to go to the hospital#she also brought me the HEB seasonal easter bunny cookeys today and some ice cream to try when im better#(its fruity pebbles flavored??)#also today she and mom went out to walk the dogs and apparently when they came back the door to the house was wide open??#and she like scrambled inside to make sure it wasnt bc something happened 2 me#but she said thats also bc she's been reading some like suspense book so she became Scared LOL#she's my favorite person ever
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omg i got an interview for a new job i applied for!!! eeeeeee i am nervous but also excited ૮꒰っ´༥`ς꒱
#ʚ・◞📎 — em entry.#i went for a similar job just before christmas as some ppl would remember!#i didn’t get that one ;^; so i’m going for this one now after recommitting + preparing more!#but guys look this is so spooky right#so i got the invite for the interview on saturday WHICH I MISSED! like i didn’t see it#but i had posted on here that i was gonna read into my star signs etc + ended up getting a horoscope reading while i was at it#so while i was waiting on my reading they sent me an email like oh there’s a big event coming up as soon as wednesday the 15th of march#and i was like hmmm but they said they’ll go into it more w the actual reading etc#so today i just had a FEELING to check my acc for the company i worked for and it was like INVITE TO INTERVIEW#AGAIN I MISSED THE EMAIL SO IT WAS JUST COINCIDENCE I HAPPENED TO CHECK#so i went into book and the ONLY interview left was ONE spot on wednesday the 15th of march#THE LAST SPOT AND I GOT IT! i never check my status for these things + today i just had a feeling
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people who give jonathan harker a devon accent in dracula. i owe you my life
#'people' being one person who posted readings of his first few entries here#it bugs me that he's always given 'standard home counties RP' accent. it bugs me a lot. he wouldnt fucking say (speak like) that#for me he has an accent that‚ upon entering the professional world‚ he supresses somewhat but it's still there#regionalism in dracula is. interestingly. depicted and it's so striking how jonathan's is a neutral 'accentless' narration#in contrast to the way jonathan/stoker depicts essentially everyone else as rustic yokels#but he probably DOES have at least the vestiges of an accent constantly stereotyped as yokelish. it's the butt of the joke today still!!#some of it feels....like he's distancing? i doubt stoker actually went that deeper than 'funney accent hee hee' when he was writing but idc#and god the sheer gulf between him/mina and the others....made so obvious when they speak. he'd definitely supress it further#the latter half of the book & the interactions between the main characters are fascinating from a class perspective#i'd say this goes for mina too but i'm unsure if she is actually from exeter or not (i imagine she's at least fairly local to there)#i could go on and on about accent and class in dracula and what exactly stoker is saying with those accents#anyway these tags are a mess im just gonna post and forget about it lol#jonathan harker#there's also a wealth to be said about quincey and vh but that's another essay. lmao
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I know journaling is helpful esp if you have memory problems, i always avoid looking back at my journals honestly. but damn.. Reading my 2022 shits been so painful.
2023 genuinely was a much better year even if did spend much of it cooped inside my room, looking at a screen. Hoping for an even better 2024. I know its only October but hey. Im always jumping ahead a few months mentally. It may as well be winter already as far as Im concerned. I want to get this winter over with. I feel very hopeful for 2024 for some reason
#2023 is good its just a very hazy blur. i was thinking not using weed would help but nah. ive always been like this#weed didnt make my memory worse its always been shit it seems#reading these entries like “when did that even happen..?”#there are a lot of things in my life I want to change#im just glad i stopped using weed. looking at my 2022 experiences is kind of... making me feel compassion :(#weed dependency + risky sx was my escapism go-to in 2022 and now in 2023 it is cartoons and loud music#i think its safe to say i am gettint better. im learning to appreciate life again without being high. i got out of an abusive relationship#im focusing on me. maybe to a very unhealthy degree. but im doing things that make me happy when i can. im cooking amazing food#im drawing a lot. increasing communication w alters. working on how to handle my cptsd. im getting better even if it#doesnt look like it#self indulgent but i think i will be happy looking back on this one day. to future E; you got this#and hopefully u won't be doomscrolling in 2024 but even if you are. its so very understandable. lol#only today am i realizing after rereading old diary entries... im genuinely more stable even if it does not look like it#the amount of dissociation it takes for me to stay stable is sad though. id it even genuine stability at that point? im not sure#but im keeping afloat financially. homewise. at work. even if i feel like life is ripping me at the seams sometimes#but who doesn't feel like that#i think its safe to say i am reaching some type of stability. even if it easily crumbles apart. at least it is there..#txt
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youtube
#diana's music diary#good morning I slept pretty badly but I eventually got enough#I said already here but lancer yesterday went very well! the heist isn't over yet and some things were revealed about my character#things that are exciting!! so I'm curious about what all that will be about but I have a good idea considering the context#today will likely be just be my gfs watching a movie with me and then us buying long awaited treats for me...#I love them...#also... this song is so funnnnn!! especially the music video...#I'm probably going to say this about every black dressy song but it resonates with me too much oh god#I love Devi and Rook's music so much including their own personal stuff and there will defintely be a lot of those two in my diaries here..#another long entry oops... lets make today good... thank u for reading <3
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365 Days of Writing Prompts: Day 210
Adjective: Scarce
Noun: Miracle
Definitions for those who need/want them:
Scarce: (especially of food, money, or some other resource) insufficient for the demand; occurring in small numbers or quantities, or rare
Miracle: a surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore considered to be the work of a divine agency; a highly improbable or extraordinary event, development, or accomplishment that brings very welcome consequences; an amazing product or achievement, or an outstanding example of something
#im rather late again and i apologise#the explanation once again is that i accidentally fell asleep before i could type all of this up#we had a big day today#specifically we went out with my parents and did a bit of shopping and got lots of cool stuff for ourselves and others#(gifts for my best friend and my gfs sister as well as for my secret santa for my works upcoming christmas in august)#im really excited about all the books we got#which includes an ebook im currently reading cos i like it so much (how high we go in the dark by sequoia nagamatsu)#also i didnt mention this in yesterdays little diary entry cos i was so focussed on my work-related stuff#but my gf and i started rewatching good omens yesterday so we can watch the new season (i think this is my eighth time watching season one)#anyway this prompt to me initially comes across as sad or desolate#but the more i think about it the more it strikes me as an opportunity to explore the wonder and joy of when a 'miracle' does happen#cos it is 'scarce' and thus a rare occurence#so im excited to write something along those lines#thanks for reading#writing#writer#creative writing#writing prompt#writeblr#trying to be a writeblr at least
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I like There's A Rumor, but trying to get back into writing it is, just, so much work.
#I spent three hours today just rereading what i've already written#and while 3hrs isnt a lot of reading for me normally#it is an awful lot of time when its my own work#the (still incomplete) timeline for this fic is 230 entries long#thats next on the reread list#and i have#just so many pages of notes about pregnancy and flour baby projects and diet fads#and just so much else#getting reacquainted with all this is just like#a lot#and also#while i definitely dont love all the writing in this fic#there are some bits of it that I think are quite good#and im feeling very anxious about the next few chapters not measuring up quality wise bc im so rusty#ghost.txt#anxiety rambling in the tags
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Today is a confusing day for my gender. I want to (genuinely) thank some people on Tumblr for that, but I don't know how. I know many people consider their blogs as being a sort of public diary, but I've never used mine like that before. I reblog art and memes, and sometimes ramble in the tags, but almost never make posts of my own, and certainly don't talk about anything important when I do.
However sometimes the best way to get ahold of something slippery that's swimming around in your head is to first get it out of your head. I may not even post this, though contrary to how I present myself on this blog, I do very much love talking about myself (especially when I can indulge my inner 12yo-fanfic-author and be a bit dramatic and poetic about it) so we'll see.
However, to the anxiety of making a long, eventually emotional post I will cede the small victory of a readmore:
I guess the place to begin is with the lovely @dduane. In particular with the recent post she reblogged talking about @redgoldsparks's book Gender Queer. I was reading through the comic therein when I remembered that I actually had the book e was talking about sitting on my "to-read" shelf... okay, one of my "to-read" shelves. No avid reader with disposable income should be surprised I have so many such books, nor that any book could get lost in such a pile, no matter how... personally relevant it is.
I picked it up one day, not at my usual book store, but actually at a local comic book/board game store. It caught my eye of course by presenting the words "GENDER QUEER" in big, bold letters, and and further enticed me when I flipped through it briefly and saw it didn't censor itself unnecessarily. In a graphic novel that's largely about gender, it was relieving, for example, to see bodies being addressed without fear that showing them was too obscene.
So I bought it but, as I mentioned, it sat on my shelf for at least months, probably a year or more, if the time dilation typical of the pandemic period can be assumed.
Then today, after seeing that post, I decided to finally take it out. It only took a short while to read, maybe an hour or so. Unless you include the time it will spend lingering in my mind, in which case I may never finish reading it.
I related to it in many ways. In ways that were the same, but upsidedown – since I was amab, but could still feel a connection to the ideas within. Technically a different wavelength, but... a harmonic of the original. But one point in particular is the whole reason for this post. Page 189.
If you don't have the book, well firstly I highly recommend you go get it now and simply read through it to see the page in question. But in case you can't, I'll describe it here:
In panel 1, the author laments about wanting to switch pronouns, but that "they/them" doesn't feel quite right. In panel 2, e asks eir conversational partner what e uses. In panel 3, as you have probably guessed, e tells the author that e uses "e/em/eir" and, important to my story, uses them in a sentence: "Ask em what e wants in eir tea." In panel 4, e reacts with a huge smile and starry eyes.
Here is where I'll pause and mention that reading that passage gave me a shiver down my spine. I love seeing people explore their identities – or in this case, eir identity – and that especially goes for things I could never wrap my head around, such as neopronouns. As much as I respect them, I never could understand. To me, gender has usually been a nuisance. Something that I have to perform. If I don't, people will assume some performance anyways, one which is usually wrong. I wish I could just work backstage. Or maybe it's more like I wish everyone had a program guide, so instead of having to constantly tell people I'm not a man, they can just see the description in the guide for themselves. I'm just so tired of it. So tired.
But! That's why I get shivers like this, since it warms my heart to see people like me, also pushing through. E shouldn't have to struggle to be known. E does. But that strength inspires my own, which I hope inspires others, in a cycle of propping eachother up!
Then in panel 5 e says "I love those pronouns! I just got the biggest tingle down my spine."
And I recall my spine tingle.
And I'm really confused.
Do I want those pronouns? I've been using "they/them" for a while now, and I've known about (and had friends who use) "e/em/eir" for some time now. Surely I would've realized they fit me sooner than this, right?
Then again, I think, I have been kinda growing dissatisfied with "they/them" for a bit now. But I always just felt tired of gender as a whole. I don't want pronouns that even fewer people will understand, I said. At least with "they/them" I can point at the neutral usage everyone uses them for. Anything more obscure would just be all the more effort. All the more tiring.
...but does that make it untrue? Or simply unfair? Everything to do with being queer is unfair, sorta' by definition. If I wanted it to be easy, I could stick to "he/him", but that would only really be "easy" for other people, I realized. Neither "he/him" nor "they/them" are easy for me. Neither "male" nor "female" nor "non-binary" are easy for me. Neither the old gender binary nor the new gender trinary are easy for me. I'm just so tired.
I wish I had an answer to finish with. Not for your sake, but for mine. I have a sort of modus operandi I like to use: "prepare for the worst, but hope for the best, and expect something in-between." It's a bit of a compromise between the phrase"high hopes, low expectations" and my optimism. Well, I forgot to do that here. I had hoped that I would've found my answer by the end of this post, but I forgot to "prepare for the worst," and as such had no middle ground to set my expectations.
Maybe the answer is to stop caring so much? But that seems like it would be a disservice to myself and my wants and needs. Also it seems impossible. Or at least like clinical depression, which shouldn't be anyone's goal.
Maybe I should try using different pronouns? None of my friend would care. But they would make mistakes. It's extremely rare for one of my friends to slip up now, but it does still happen. And using something new would give me those small rock-in-the-shoe, scratchy-shirt-tag irritations that @redgoldsparks mentioned in eir book all over again.
...or maybe "they/them" is dorta' doing that now, and I've just gotten used to it? I remember when I switched I hadn't realized that "he/him" wasn't great until then. Not because I felt bad hearing it, but because I suddenly felt good hearing "they/them." I still think I don't feel especially disphoric over "he/him," but now that I know the euphoria I could have, it feels worse in comparison. Maybe the same would happen if I switched again?
My how many thoughts I have about this. I want an answer. There is no simple answer. Life is work. I love life. I hate work. I'm so tired. But it's worth it.
I think that's most of my metaphorical brain-fish on the topic disgorged for now. If you listened, thanks for listening. If you're confused, imagine how I feel. And if you think you felt like you resonate at some harmonic of this, please go read @redgoldsparks's book Gender Queer. It probably won't have clear answers, and the feelings it evokes probably won't be exclusively positive ones, but if you've read this far into my ramblings, then I can promise you it will be a valuable read.
Thanks for your time! -Kai
#yes I realized I signed off on this like it was a letter or email when tumblr posts are anything but#however when I rant for long enough I feel like it turns into something more formal in my gut which makes me what to do so lol#but ya I had a lot of feelings. and feelings are hard. and tiring. but important#so please do with this what you will#and if by some chance the author or dduane read this – thanks so much to both of you for all you've done for me!#I barely mentioned dduane in this post for lack of immediate relevancy but she's been such a force in my development!#the yw series did wonders for my current fierce optimism and love for life#but the most recent tornado in my brain is reading Gender Queer today so that got the spotlight here#anyways I usually follow my tag rants with tracking tags but I'm not so sure what to put when it isn't fanart#I guess#gender queer#maia kobabe#books#gender#genderqueer#my ramblings#my posts#my feelings#diary entry
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