YO CHAPGTER 241??????????? GOING INSANE.

My old buddy chagol if youre going to kick the bucket and is having last regret™️ moment... GIVE BACK THE CHALICE BY THE GODS. GIVE IT BAAACCKK.

Pls dont tell me those 3 dragons are someone we knew (and love) going rampage bcs something fuckening happen to the chalice or them wellbeing. PLEASE KUSANAGI-SENSEI.

the fact that edelgard is the villain in 3/4 routes and yet intsys STILL glorifies her to no end enrages and annoys me. no other villain has been given that perspective of “well actually maybe they arent so bad” except for the hypocritical tyrant. even when she has *literally become an inhuman monster* intsys is still like “oh no dont worry she was right actually!” and it upsets me deeply

It upsets me, too, friend.  IntSys seems to really like glorifying people who don’t deserve it, especially in recent games (Walhart in Awakening, Rudolf in Echoes -- I can’t say if his whole ‘orchestrating a plan to have his son murder him’ thing is carry-over from Gaiden or not, but it definitely exists in the recent remake so I’m including it), but Edelgard actually ends up as a bit of a weird case. 

(I have a lot of thoughts about this, so I’m just going to cut preemptively.)

Now, I’m actually not opposed to Edelgard being the protagonist of the fourth route in Three Houses.  Anyone who’s been here a while knows that I generally see Grima, a figure that IntSys generally tries to paint as a rote villain, as at least a sympathetic villain (and possibly even a secret hero in the events of Awakening itself); it’s entirely possible for someone that’s a villain in most of their appearances to have legitimate reasons for what they’re doing and why, and revealing that in their personal route could be incredibly powerful if done well. 

And here’s the thing: Edelgard really is a compelling character, in large part because of her moral ambiguity.  I actually agree with her when she says that the Church of Seiros is corrupt at its core and the system needs to change.  She’s right about that!  While Seiros might have had decent reasons for establishing things this way, over the past thousand years human societies have changed while the church itself remained stagnant -- something potentially exacerbated by her selfish ambition to restore her mother -- and this has led to a structure that once served an important purpose becoming a toxic and destructive mess for humanity at large.  Edelgard has a completely valid point there, and it’s something that I could absolutely get on board with if she had gone about achieving change in some other way, because she does have other methods available to her that she writes off without real reason -- and even that can relate back in part to her deep trauma and difficulty trusting people after the betrayals she faced at the hands of her “uncle” and her own father’s powerlessness to stop the nightmare she and her siblings suffered through. 

IntSys probably could have crafted a narrative that showed from her perspective why she believed war against the Church was the only valid option available to her.  The issue is that she undercuts her own argument by targeting all of Fodlan, rather than specifically going after the Church: she doesn’t give the Kingdom and Alliance a “stay out of my way or else” warning, she literally turns her sights on the Kingdom as soon as the monastery falls and attempts to fully annex it once Cornelia sets up Dimitri’s fall, leaving the Alliance only because she has her hands full with Faerghus.  She didn’t have to take Cornelia up on her offer of making the Kingdom into the Dukedom of Faerghus and sending troops to finish the job: she could have just left the woman to her own devices, forcing the Twisted to utilize their own people to maintain and secure full control of the region while she worked on addressing the systemic issues, which would have had multiple benefits:

The Imperial Army doesn’t get overwhelmed and exhausted fighting in conditions they’re not equipped to deal with, leaving them stronger overall while the Twisted forces are potentially weakened by the same

Hubert is able to better assess the threat they’re dealing with, including learning their capabilities and possibly even where they’re coming from before Merceus

Edelgard actually puts her money where her mouth is and ends up helping the people she claims to be doing this for, rather than just using them as fodder for the war to grind up

Unfortunately, the way she’s written ends up just making her an imperialist.  She’s not just going after the corrupt core of the Church, she’s trying to forcibly unite the continent and return Fodlan to some long gone ideal where it was all united under the Imperial banner because she refuses to believe that Adrestia could have split by natural causes.

Crimson Flower ultimately ends up being a particularly egregious example of this glorification phenomenon in action because they give her a personal route that makes no effort to critically examine her actions and make her face consequences for them.  This, I think, does her a massive disservice as a character, because that aforementioned moral ambiguity that makes her so interesting could have been utilized to great effect -- and the proof is actually there already, because they do it in Dimitri’s route.

Dimitri is himself another interesting character, and outwardly presents as Edelgard’s polar opposite: he recognizes that he doesn’t have all the answers, struggles to figure out the correct course of action when presented with difficult subjects that have  no clear-cut answer -- like the fact that reliance on the Crest system is toxic for noble families, but it’s those very Crest-bearers and their Relics that help keep Faerghus safe from invasion by Sreng -- possesses incredible strength but specifically refrains using it in most cases to avoid harming others, and generally takes everyone’s problems onto himself to his own detriment.  He’s also deeply traumatized and was never given a chance to deal with it in a healthy manner, which contributes to how he snaps -- and Azure Moon starts with Dimitri being so far out of reach that you can’t unlock any of his supports and can’t even engage with him in the weekly discussions.  He’s lost himself to his survivor’s guilt and need for vengeance, considers himself to be nothing more than a monster, and has no qualms about killing if it helps advance his quest; as the story progresses, he faces a direct consequence for this murderous inclination in the form of Fleche who attempts to exact vengeance for her brother’s sake in the same way that he’s attempting to claim it for his family and friends -- only to lose Rodrigue, and have his dying words be a plea for Dimitri to live for himself rather than those who died before him, at which point Dimitri sets his sights on opposing Edelgard rather than killing her and seeing to atone for the crimes he committed.  While I think the game made the change a little too abrupt, it’s handled well overall, and shows a real development arc complete with both actions and their associated consequences that directly relate to Dimitri’s growth as a person.

Contrast this to Edelgard in general and Crimson Flower as a route.  Edelgard believes that she has all the answers despite not trying to engage with anyone outside her own House, decisively chooses what she believes to be the right and proper course of action regardless of how difficult the subject matter, possesses great strength (both physically and of sheer will) that she uses to dominate others, and forces others to join her in addressing what she sees as problems -- such as her line about making her own people into “worthy sacrifices” for her “higher cause.”  Crimson Flower is the only route where her attack on the monastery fails to capture Rhea, but once Byleth returns she sets her sights on attacking and subjugating a territory that has remained entirely neutral through the past five years, turns on the Twisted while she’s still in a vulnerable position which ultimately causes the deaths of at least a third of the forces she left at Arianrhod once they fire their warning shot, lies to her friends and allies about what happened there, murders her step-brother, and allows a city full of trapped civilians to burn unchecked while she deals with what she considers to be the “real” threat on the opposite side of the Faerghus capital -- and all of this is capped off with her never dealing with the Twisted, and cute little endcards that talk about how everything worked out fine and there were no problems ever, The End.  Edelgard doesn’t get a development arc in her route: she’s never challenged, she never faces real consequences (and the one she does face she literally lies about to her friends and then leaves as a problem to deal with later), and she pretty much ends the game exactly where she started it: completely assured that she made the right choices.  The moral ambiguity inherent in her character is instead cast as “of course she’s in the right, she’s so great and there’s nothing at all wrong with what she’s doing or how she’s going about it, isn’t she wonderful?”

At least in the main game, Hegemon Husk Edelgard is treated with real gravity, shown as the pinnacle of her drive to see her ambition come to fruition and the tragic consequence of her inability to change course and find another path.  The Forging Bonds event just takes the CF brush and paints her actions as the right ones, even though what made her so compelling is that her reasons were right while her methods were horrific.  Edelgard really could have been wonderful.  The potential is right there in her character.  But IntSys completely botched the execution of it, so that her route feels rushed, incomplete, and at best unsatisfying (or, if you’re me, utterly disgusting for how it glorifies imperialistic conquest), and her Heroes appearances only make it worse.

minecraft warden headcanons based on the new snapshot 

2 weeks after a warden born there will be a small ceremony ^_^ wardens live in very big groups like piglins but like even BIGGER the whole family is MASSIVE and there can be generations and generations all in on colony/huddle. i might call them huddles because it sounds cute for such a scary fucking monster. anyway. warden births are very special! they arent born in an abnormal way not from eggs or anything theyre just. borned. and then the next 2 weeks are spent by its family preparing a mini celebration!! 

ceremonies are quiet usually eveeryone just stands around while the parents deal with everything theres no chairs wardens dont sit down often im going to rip off the bible for my warden lore ^-^ the babes get baptized. screw you jesus. they get carried to the smol bath and dunked and stay there for a few seconds while everyone lets the silence simmer for a bit. after about 30 seconds they play very soft soft music (mellohi. screw you guys it sounds so good with the atmosphere of the deep dark) and let it play. when its done the baby is pulled from the water and then close family does a GROUP BATH and they all chill for a bit in the hot-tub kind of thing with the baby :D

wardens are also ruled by king-like roles theyre called Fathers theres 3 of them but only one overarching one hes reverend as basically the GOD bitch. at least one father attends all birth ceremonies just to observe cause its like a blessing in away. u got to have one there or it is suspected that ur baby wont live very long (wardens are old bitches. by wont live very long i mean like theyll have the lifespan of a human and then croak) the big ass oven thing is the BIG castle where ther fathers live !! 

bi annually there is a festival (they love their parties man. theres not much to do underground) and the festival is to celebrate the changing of the season pretty much. they know theres more than 2 but they can only feel 2 underground so they basically mark the upcoming winter and the upcoming summer. it gets really cold or really hot and when its really hot they usually hibernate for a bit gatherers are another role within the warden huddles. basically these big guys will be the brutes of the packs and theyre the ones tasked with going to the surface or scavenging the caves to bring back food and supplies for everyone else. (wardens are somewhat communist) if they dont make it back in a specific time frame, they are given a burial. although everyone is pretty loved and surrounded in huddles, deaths are quite common because wardens are Buff but they have weak weak spots like their open chest and throat. if a brute/gatherer comes back after being pronounced dead they are shunned and treated like a ghost. they are no longer welcomed in the huddle.

stray wardens are decently common they can be seen scouring caves with a small little family very VERY small by warden standards. maybe like 4-8 wardens total. its like a micro-huddle. these guys were either shunned together or a shunned warden made their own family in the meantime. theyre heavily frowned upon and are not given sanctuary from offending players . they have to fend for themselves and because they cant waste resources or friends to get to the surface, they have almost nothing to eat. usually very poor and weak. still strong by boss standards, but a player could take them out like a wither thats at its halfway point if its been starved. 

 players/people arent hard to come by, and when they do theyre usually just miners looking for materials, but they often like to cause chaos and ravage their cities especially during hibernating season. summer is the worst time for huddles because they can wake up and all their shit will be gone in their absense. its even worse cause if a warden is woken up in the middle of hibernating theyre pretty lost in their own head and will strike at anything, even its own kind because of being so tired. some huddles have one to two designated watchers during hibernating season. watchers stay awake for the entire month and a half ish to keep watch and then when everyone or the fathers wake up they get to pass out for as long as they want. for protecting their huddle, they are rewarded graciously. being a watcher is incredibly risky because thats when the most players come and thats when they tend to die but some do make it to the end. its a very lonely time. being chosen as a watcher is like being picked for the army or jury duty you dont get to pick when or if you become a watcher they only rule is you have to be a certain age and of average strength

same rules as the lost brutes apply to watchers; if they gone when people start waking up, they are given a burial. if they return after their burial they are shunned all the same. even though its a highly respected role, no one gets to come back after being suspected dead. its the rules. by the time they return their role wouldve already been taken and they wouldve had no use within the huddle

Vina Jie-Min Prasad's writing is SO GOOD, yes! She also has a short story in Uncanny called "Fandom For Robots" if you haven't already seen that one! And now for some mood whiplash, I'm just going to copy and paste in my original 10% of a fic idea that I had started writing in the tags: yes, give Three a hobby! And cooking has recipes to follow so it's even like having protocol. oh, but wait, SecUnits can't eat, so Three can't enjoy the food (1/?)

((2/?)  it makes, and I made myself sad about this concept I have known about for all of 30 seconds :(. but wait, I feel like it's implied at the end of the book that Three goes with the PreservationAux humans, so it could cook for them! and then Murderbot comes back to visit, and it is very definitely not having an emotion about its humans being all endeared to Three and Three's cooking and no, Amena, it definitely is not jealous it doesn't know what you're talking about anyway it's going to go

(3/3) patrol the perimeter now while all the humans are busy with dinner because it doesn't need to be there because it doesn't eat. And okay Murderbot has certainly emotionally matured over the whole series, and over the course of NE specifically, but also, consider: making it have New Baby Syndrome about Three amuses me, so sometimes you gotta gently nudge canon to get it to do what you want. Anyway I hope you enjoyed that long ridiculous ramble!

First off sorry for taking so long to respond! I had a lot of thoughts about this and uni has been a whole mess :(, secondly I have read “Fandom for Robots“, i love it so much and I didn’t realize it was by the same author!  

Thirdly onto Three, I have a lot of feelings about three and i love your idea!

Three is far more the sort of sad robot that Mensah and the rest of the humans were expecting Murderbot to be. Murderbot even from the start of ASR has a very clear sense of identity and individuality. It’s had the time from watching media and thinking and having to directly deal with a whole load of emotional pain. While it doesn’t really know what it wants, it at least knows a lot about what it doesn’t want. It doesn’t want to be looked at, It doesn’t want to be trapped, It doesn’t want other people to decide what’s good for it.

Whereas with Three, the clearest idea we get of who it is and what it wants is through the line “There is a lot about what is going on here that I don’t understand. But I am participating anyway.” Three hasn’t had the chance to build up any real internal identity for itself, all it knows is that it would like to help people (the other two SecUnits included). It is far more likely to accept help when offered, it is more likely to attempt to learn human protocol through trying it out. If given the same offer as Murderbot at the end of ASR it would take it.

I think also it’s still fairly unlikely to want to ask questions or to ask things of people. It was able to ask Murderbot for additional files, but from the sounds of things it took quite some time to work up the nerve to do that.

So after the end of Network Effect, it takes everyone quite a while to get everything sorted out, murderbot takes its time getting close to Peri’s crew, but eventually, possibly after a pit stop at preservation, murderbot goes off with ART and Three is on Preservation.

Amena is the person who insists on Three staying with her family. Ratthi offers, and so do Overse and Arada. Three gets a choice. This is important. Mensah and maybe someone else idek makes sure it knows that it has a choice, and that it’s welcome to make another one later if it doesn’t want to. (Three finds this confusing, but the HelpMe.2.file lets it recognize that this person can be trusted). But Amena seems very excited and tells it the most details about her home, so Three goes with her.

(sidenote: ratthi lives next door to overse and arada, and overse and arada are totally the friends who just show up on the couch, to the point that a number of ratthi’s friends get confused when they realize that theres only one bed because they know that the three of them arent all together (the times murderbot stays over it sleeps on the couch))

If i was going to write a fic, this is where it would start. Three is at the family farm, the very place Murderbot didn’t want to go. Mensah and Thiago are still busy dealing with some stuff, so the only person there who actually knows Three is Amena. Three is very confused, and i think a few of the humans try to treat it like murderbot? or how they think murderbot wanted to be treated.

(The children are of course excited, and ask it if it wants to share media. It doesn’t have much to share but at least one of them tries to share their favorite show with it.)

Anyway things are a bit awkward but Three is trying, and they’re all trying, The actual inciting cooking incident is Amena making something for a potluck, because tying in the social side of cooking/food is important. Amena gives an explanation of what she’s doing and attempts to give more of that social background on it. She also tells it that its welcome to use whatever in the kitchen if it likes? (Amena is aware that secunits dont eat, but either she’s distracted, thinks they dont need to eat but can, or is more trying to give an introduction to the way food works as a part of preservation culture)

Three takes her at her word, and when no one else is around it attempts to cook. Options: either replicating what amena made which gives the fun idea of it making cookies and then everyone thinking it was Amena, or attempting to make something else and making a total mess, having to entirely start over, just for the humor part of it. But when it starts to make halfway decent food (by it’s own confused standards) I think it leaves it out, or in areas that are known to be marked as communal food.

It’s a big family so maybe it takes a couple of days for people to notice that it’s Three cooking this extra food. There’s a bit of confusion, and I think its Farai that ends up talking to it, making sure this is okay, that it knows it doesn’t have to help, that its okay to cook when people are around, etc etc. Point being, at the end of this conversation she offers to cook with Three, if it wants to.

Smash cut, cute scenes of three occasionally cooking (and being taught how to cook) by farai and the kids and maybe even the other adults around. (a couple of times there are too many people in the kitchen and it freezes, they give it space when this happens). Three gets multiple checks from people that cooking is something it wants to do, rather than something it feels obligated to do.

Murderbot is incredibly confused when it gets back and this is happening. Like for a moment its offended because it feels like someone is forcing three into a more bot servant role, and is yet another person checking in with three about this. There is a bit of jealousy there, that Three seems to be interacting with the humans a lot better, but i think it’s more confusion. This is a person that Murderbot could never be, and frankly doesn’t want to be. It still wishes it was better talking to people but that would involve, ugh, talking to people. By the end of Network Effect i think its comfortable enough in it’s friendships to not worry so much about anyone replacing it. Plus i think the sort of relationships Three would build through this would be different to the ones murderbot has built.

(jeesh this got long)

SnK Episode 61 Poll Results (for Anime Only Watchers)

The poll closed with 164 responses. Thank you to everyone who participated!

Please note that these are the results for the Anime Only Watchers’ poll. If you wish to see the results for the Manga Readers’ poll, click here.

Anime only watchers, beware of spoilers if you venture over to the manga readers’ poll results.

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RATE THE EPISODE 142 Responses

Episode 61 received even better reception than episode 60 did for anime only viewers, with all votes leaning 3-5 on the rating scale, none of our respondents seemed let down by the episode! 

AMAZING!! not action heavy this time, but the information i gained  was a big insight on what’s to come! lots of things are gonna go down and i’m s c a r e d. ready for next sunday 😈🔥

It was fire 

I really loved this episode, better than the last episode. Animation quality was on par with movie quality. MAPPA is giving us their best, ALL HAIL MAPPA.

1 word. Awesome

I love the pacing on this episode and the small details in it. 

Give me more!!!

bruh

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS YOUR FAVORITE SCENE/MOMENT? 142 Responses

Reiner monologuing about the 104th at the dinner table took front and center seat this week with 43% of viewers favoring this scene the most. Trailing behind, 16.9% enjoyed the scene where Reiner meets up with the Warrior Cadets, and 9.9% enjoyed seeing the human forms of the Cart and Jaw titans for the first time.

WE FORGOT TO ASK LAST WEEK D: WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SCENES/MOMENTS FROM EPISODE 60 WAS YOUR FAVORITE? 142 Responses

Last week, the highest percentage of people (at 30.3%) enjoyed Reiner’s, “I’m sick and tired… of walls.” 19% favored the scene of Zeke’s scream turning Eldians into titans. 17.6% were most hyped up over Reiner and Galliard wrecking Fort Slava.

MAPPA WENT ALL OUT WITH THE CINEMATOGRAPHY IN THIS EPISODE. WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE CINEMATIC PANS AND ROTOSCOPE ANIMATION? 142 Responses

Overall, 75.4% of the total vote went in favor of the animation this week, with 33.8% of viewers stating they felt as though they were watching a movie, 32.4% enjoying the fluidity, and 9.2% enjoying the upgrade from the stiffer animation in the previous season. 10.6% felt the rotoscoping and cinematic shots were a little too over the top for an anime, and 10.6% are indifferent. A small handful aren’t enjoying the cinematic animation at all. 

Hated the rotoscope, loved everything else.

It was a bit off-putting at first but I've grown to really like it

it was different but i liked it! it was cool. reminded me of some anime movies i’ve seen, though unique in it own sense

Thought it was great and fluid just at some points like the scene with udo on the docks felt a bit choppy.

Beautiful work, it honestly felt like I was watching a movie. From cinematography to shot framing to the animation. A dialogue heavy episode felt exciting, which is amazing.

I really liked the animation

The animation is so glowy

NOW THAT WE’VE GOTTEN TO HEAR A LITTLE MORE OF THE NEW OST TRACKS, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE SOUNDTRACK SO FAR THIS SEASON? 142 Responses

People are overall enjoying the new music so far, with 41.5% feeling it really compliments the change in atmosphere and 35.9% REALLY enjoying the songs and finding their usage very good. 9.9% feel they’re just ok while 7.7% miss the music being composed solely by Sawano. A smaller handful aren’t enjoying the new music.

They DEFINITELY bring the right vibes lol. again, different, but i like it!

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE CLOSEUP OF ZEKE’S MOUTH? 141 Responses

In our first of a series of unnecessary crack questions, 31.9% find Zeke’s mouth closeup to have been pretty cool animation. 24.8% are very concerned about Zeke’s treatment of his lungs (do shifters get lung damage?). 20.6% didn’t care about Zeke’s mouth at aoo, while 14.2% would welcome a smooch from him. A handful of people just think it’s gross, lol.

Fucking hate zeke smh 🙄

He smokin a spliffy 😂 not no ciggy 

what chapstick using??lmao.  it was a cool scene

WHAT’S YOUR OPINION ABOUT ELDIAN ASSES? 140 Responses

Eldian asses didn’t turn out to be too controversial, with the majority (42.1%) just wanting to know the details of Zeke’s secret ass wiping technique. 10.7% just think Eldian asses are neat, and another 10% are more enthusiastic about some nice Eldian asses. 25.7% are confused about the question’s inclusion, and 11.4% don’t understand why this was asked at all.

DO YOU WANT REINER TO GIVE YOU A HEAD PAT? 140 Responses

In a close race, 42.1% of respondents would be thrilled to get a nice head pat from Reiner! 41.4% apparently don’t, and just wanna know what the heck the pollsters are smoking while writing up these questions. 11.4% do NOT want Reiner head pats. :(

ZEKE SEEMS TO BE KEEPING HIS ROYAL LINEAGE A SECRET FROM MARLEY DESPITE HIS LOYALTY TO THEM. ANY IDEAS WHY YOU THINK HE IS? 139 Responses

Zeke, the “wonderboy” (as General Calvi puts it) who sold out his own parents, has never been doubted by Marley in terms of his loyalty. Yet, for some reason he seems to be keeping his royal bloodline a secret from them. When we asked why that is, over half of respondents (56.1%) state that they are suspicious of Zeke and his real motives, believing that he is plotting something under Marley’s nose. 25.2% feel that he doesn’t want them to know he’s royal so that they can’t abuse his power, and 12.9% think he simply doesn’t let them know so that they won’t kill him. 

I forgot he was royal 

maybe they will force him to continue the bloodline through children, or maybe he will get used or killed

Well if they dont know hes got a hereditary advantage over both his predeccesors and succesors, he'll always be recognised as the best beast titan and heaps better than my boy Colt.

WE LEARNED IN THIS EPISODE THAT FALCO’S LAST NAME IS “GRICE.” DO YOU THINK THIS WILL HOLD ANY SIGNIFICANCE? 139 Responses

32.4% of respondents don’t remember anyone named Grice. To recap, “Grice” is the name of the person who recruited Grisha Yeager into the Restorationist group, and is the one who was kicked off the wall for the restorationist titans to chase after once they were transformed by Marley. For those that did remember this seemingly random person, 52.2% feel that this relation will be brought up again and have importance to the story, and 12.9% feel it doesn’t really mean anything other than being a neat little detail. 

I feel like you asking this implies that there’s something to it

Not sure yet. But, Falco and Colt seem to be really caring and aware of how the Marlyeans treat Marly-Eldians (at least compared to the other warrior candidates). Also, when we saw their parents they seemed kind too, showing lots of concern for Colt. Maybe they learnt what the former restorationist/other Grice was doing and his cause of death and sent their kids to the warrior program for the same reason Grisha and Dina did Zeke? My bet is Colt & Falco are the restorationist Grice's nephews?

YOUR REACTION TO THE CART TITAN BEING A CUTE WOMAN? 140 Responses

Pieck deserves a colorful pie chart, and she got one! 25.7% say she’s best girl, 22.9% think she’s utterly adorable. 13.6% of viewers already knew about Pieck before getting to this point and were unsurprised. At a tie, 11.4% of voters think that it’s amazing, or they were shocked to find out that the quadrupedal nightmare titan is really just a short, cute woman.

I worked it out last episode since the armbands appeared to indicate the 'type/status' of Eldians, but I was a bit surprised last episode I thought from the trailer the red bands may be special lineages i.e. Ackerman, Oriental clan, and Riess/Fritz. Still think she may be from the oriental clan though since the only characters we've seen with a similar appearance to her are Mikasa and her mother.  

she kinda shawty 👀 but she looks scary too

WE WERE FORMALLY INTRODUCED TO MORE CHARACTERS THIS WEEK, SO WE WILL ASK AGAIN… WHICH NEW CHARACTER IS YOUR FAVORITE SO FAR? 143 Responses

Last week, Falco was the most favored of the new cast with only 40% of the vote. This week, he shoots up over 10 percentage points, with 50.3% of viewers feeling the most positively toward him. Pieck comes in second with 17.5% of the vote, and Gabi is hanging on with just 12.6% of the vote. Colt and Galliard are trailing just a little bit more behind them. 

Gabi best girl

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE FATE OF YMIR? 144 Responses

While we did get teased about Ymir’s fate in Season 3, seeing the scene in full can definitely have more of an impact. 37.5% of respondents have accepted the notion of Ymir dying, and feel that it was a decent end for her character, all things considered. 22.9% are in complete and total anguish over her fate, and 20.1% are simply just disappointed and had hoped to see more of her. A very small percentage think that this is actually a red herring, and that Ymir is somehow still alive somewhere.

Already saw this in season 3

Appropriately grim and realistic given what lengths Marley will go to in order to protect themselves 

I am in so much pain please euthanize me that’s my wife

i didn’t really like her anyway so it’s fine(but it was still a bit sad) 

Kinda hate crimey considering shes the only OUT (@jean) charcter. Nah jk. Like wasnt shocked tho coz we saw Galliard last ep

Let's fucking GOOOOOO

Galliard will NEVER replace Ymir, I already hate his bitch ass

So Galliard really is a replacement scrappy eh? I already hate him JUST for that.

TURNS OUT THAT GALLIARD IS MARCEL’S BROTHER. DO YOU THINK THIS WILL BE SIGNIFICANT? 143 Responses

Over half of respondents (52.4%) believe that Galliard’s relation to Marcel will have significance at some point. 32.9% think that it might, but don’t want to say either way. A small percentage feel it’s just a detail that won’t matter. 12.6% have completely forgotten who Marcel is (to refresh your memory, Ymir ate him before RBA attacked the walls).

DO YOU THINK THE MAN WEARING THE ARMBAND INCORRECTLY WILL BE IMPORTANT? 144 Responses

At 73.6%, the majority of viewers are eyeing the random amputee soldier who Falco briefly helped out, believing that he will be important in some manner moving forward. 13.9% believe that it’s just a random soldier, and the scene maybe meant more in terms of showing Falco’s kindness. 12.5% aren’t sure what to make of the amputee soldier at all.

LAST WEEK, WHEN ASKED WHO WILL INHERIT THE ARMORED TITAN, THE MAJORITY PICKED FALCO. AFTER THIS EPISODE, WHO DO YOU THINK WILL INHERIT THE ARMORED TITAN NOW? 143 Responses

Falco is still the most favored to inherit the Armored Titan from Reiner with the percentage of people believing he will jumping from 37.6% to 48.3%. 21.7% are still confident that Gabi will ultimately be the one who gets to eat Reiner. 28.7% believe that neither of them will inherit Reiner’s titan at all.

DO YOU THINK THAT REINER REALLY BELIEVES THE PARADISIANS ARE DEVILS? 143 Responses

The overwhelming majority of respondents don’t believe that Reiner really means what he says when he calls the Paradisians “savage, heartless devils.” Only a small percentage feel he does really means what he says, and a handful of others aren’t sure.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT REINER WITH WHAT WE’VE SEEN IN THIS ARC SO FAR? 143 Responses

The majority of viewers feel very positively about Reiner and are enjoying seeing more of him, with 46.2% stating that Reiner is really starting to grow on them, while 26.6% already liked Reiner from the start. 18.2% are beginning to feel more empathy for Reiner, although they still aren’t huge fans, and a smaller percentage don’t like him and haven’t been swayed by the narrative as of yet. 

Always seemed like there was lots to him, enjoying the furthered development into his psyche :) 

he’s so hot omg. i feel so terrible cause he’s clearly suffering from ptsd and his disorder too. he seems torn. i do like how he is playing a major role so far. 

I’m in love with Reiner and always have been

Meh

Reiner became 1000% hotter after his life fell apart

REINER AND GABI ARE REVEALED TO BE COUSINS. THOUGHTS? 142 Responses

36.6% of respondents were genuinely shocked to learn that Gabi and Reiner are cousins. 21.8% feel more invested in Gabi’s character arc after knowing this information. 19% were already spoiled on this, and 15.5% don’t really care about it at all. 

Kinda thought she wanted to fuck her cousin lmao

Makes me horrified how casually they talk abt eating Reiner

They had the same last name so I figured they must have had some relation.

Yee haw

GABI QUESTIONS REINER AFTER HE TALKED ABOUT THE 104TH, ASKING IF PEOPLE ON PARADIS WERE ALL BAD. DO YOU THINK SHE CAN OVERCOME HER BRAINWASHING TO SEE THAT PARADISIANS AREN’T EVIL? 143 Responses

The majority think that there is a possibility for Gabi to see things from a new perspective over time. 40.6% aren’t completely sold on it yet, but also believe that it’s within the realm of possibility. 32.9% are very confident that this is the direction her story arc is going to take, and 26.6% think that nothing will be able to undo years of brainwashing for her.

THE TYBURS ARE SAID TO BE AN AFFLUENT FAMILY THAT HOLDS THE WARHAMMER TITAN, BUT HAVE NEVER BEEN INVOLVED IN ANY CONFLICT. WHY WOULD THEY WANT TO GET INVOLVED NOW? 139 Responses

While we still don’t know much about the Tybur family, we thought we’d check in and see what preconceived notions viewers may already have about them. 27.3% believe the Tybur family feel the same as Marley and see Paradis as a threat. 30.2% think that the only reason they’d want to get involved in the conflict is if they get something about it. 41.7% think that the Tyburs are super sus and ultimately will have their own agenda for attacking Paradis. 

They got the good life already, why battle?

WITH AN ATTACK ON PARADIS BEING IMMINENT, HOW DO YOU THINK REINER WILL REACT WHEN HE RETURNS TO THE ISLAND? 139 Responses

We’ve seen Reiner struggle over the weight of his sins in previous seasons, with Ymir even pointing out that he has developed a type of “split personality” to cope with the horror he forced onto the people of Paradis. With the prospect of returning to the island, we asked how you think Reiner will handle the situation. With the highest percentage, 32.4% of respondents feel that Reiner’s mental state will make him completely ineffective if he returns to Paradis. 28.8% think he may even completely switch back to his “soldier persona” once he faces his former comrades again. 26.6% believe that he will keep himself together and stay focused on the mission handed to him. 9.4% think he will find a way to avoid going back altogether. 

Honestly, don't know.

I wouldnt say ineffective, probably just ina daze of sorts. Like hes not fully in the moment.

Idk if he is even gonna go

Not Sure

I hope my boi Reiner makes it through!

REINER FLASHBACKS NEXT WEEK! ARE YOU EXCITED TO FINALLY GET THE WARRIORS’ BACKSTORY? 142 Responses

The vast majority are happy to be finally getting the Warriors’ backstory in the next episode, with 69% feeling overwhelmed with excitement about it, and 19.7% just happy to finally be getting to this point. A smaller percentage don’t really care about learning their backstory and a handful of people are actually dreading it. 

I loved the baby warrior flashback and can’t wait for next week.

ON A SCALE OF REINER TO ZEKE, HOW EAGER ARE YOU TO GET BACK TO PARADIS? 141 Responses

While there is a handful of people who are enjoying the new perspective and getting to know these new characters in Marley, the majority of viewers are (unsurprisingly) eager to see what’s going on with the original cast after the 4 year time skip and the cliffhanger at the ocean in season 3. A message from manga readers: we know your pain, just hang in there!

This arc isn't really doing it for me. The story is only interesting when it focused on the 104th.

If their goal is to make me sympathize with the Warriors it ain't working, I frankly don't give a crap about their sob stories and want to see Eren and friends wreck shit for them

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE?

Animation and graphics quality is amazing. The sea was CGI too which feels a bit too detailed compared to other things. The plot and vibe is amazing. I like the WW2 style of things. There are so many interactions coming just the thought makes me hyped up. I can easily rewatch it and notice new details and i enjoy it too. Feels really packed and intense.

Solid, loved the animation props to MAPPA, cant wait to see Reiner's character development.

Kinda just people walking around with HELLA ptsd.  Overall kinda vibey Very reminiscent of seas 3 part 1. I will say kinda tgf about these knew kids accept Colt, just wanna see the ogs and Jeans side part. I also HATE Reiner but.........dare I say.....he's growing in me???? Not gabi tho 

Great episode, the trailer's beginning to make a lot more sense now. I didn't expect that guy with the long blonde hair declaring Eren as the enemy (from the trailer) to be part of the Tybur family (maybe I'm wrong here but he looked identical to one of the Tybur family members in the photo Zeke showed.) I assumed he was maybe the Marley leader haha. I think he may be the warhammer titan but it's hard to tell at this point. Regarding the Tybur family, another curious thing is how they are celebrated internationally not just domestically for their help during the great titan war. I am curious whether Marley only treat the Tybur family well because if they didn't that would create issues globally? It seems like the Tybur's have lots of power. But, I wonder if the war hammer titan will be a letdown... I thought it would be the 'big boss' of the titans but after learning that titan doesn't go through training like the other titan shifters and never fought I feel like it's a 50/50 on whether the shifter will be strong or not... I also feel like the guy Falco spoke to was Eren, and this could hint at Eren noticing and possibly trying to indoctrinate Falco? and he was possibly watching Reiner talk to the kids? That was probably Pieck though. Curious how Pieck's father was shown but not mother, he also didn't look like he was from the oriental clan maybe we have another Mikasa on our hands (half Ackerman/Oriental clan) that would be cool, maybe a little bit fanservicey tho.

I like that the focus is on world building right now

I’m just so excited to see what’s coming next

It was friggin awesome but I’m curious on who fell off the roof 🤔

Who is the guy who jumped and died ? :(

WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 138 Responses

Thank you again for participating! We’ll see you again next week!

Helloo pls don't judge me but I need a yandere Ai for my life sjhshs so can I request the whole alphabet for him? Thanks luv you and keep it up

BABE I DONT JUDGE OKAY I LOVE YOU AND I TRIED MY BEST AT THIS (I am not the best at his character ngl ) ❤❤❤ hope you're doing well

AI MIKAZE YANDERE ALPHABET

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

He's very… monotone in his love. He rarely says it verbally and usually turns to soft touches. Mainly because hes still unsure himself oh how this is supposed to work but by God dont think that's a weakness. His grip does tend to tighten. 

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

Much like Masato, he ruins their life without taking it. Im talking about exploiting their deepest darkest secrets, absolutely humiliating them in front of everyone that knows them hes like anonymous, but worse. 

Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

He doesnt mock them but he studies them which may or may not be worse. To have someone watch you break down and lose it, completely emotionless; analyzing you as your form becomes weaker and weaker is so much worse than a punch to the face. 

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will?

Eh. He puts them in uncomfortable situations to study their reaction. It can go from anywhere to calling a ~bigger~ person pregnant looking, to going on the dark web and watching someone commit cannibalism. 

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

He unknowingly entrusts then with a lot of it mainly because he wants his darling to explain to him why he's feeling this way. Why his heart aches to be with them under any circumstances. 

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

He'd have a very rationally laid out answer for this type of reaction. May it be the lack of freedom of constant staring of his; its okay. He forgives them. 

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

This is not a game but rather a sick science experiment. Go ahead, try to escape, but there's literal traps all around the house and without his helping hand to guide them past them, theyre are sure to hurt themselves. 

Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?

As mentioned above, he has literal traps around the house. From tripping over invisible string to being magnet cuffed to the wall. Their worst experience, however, has to have been when they found a "secret" door, (which wasn't actually there, he put it there) and opened it only to have water pour on them and getting electrocuted. Now if you didnt know, water and electricity dont mix. Especially not on a human. 

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

He wants to keep them with him of course. But more as a pet. A science experiment that bends to his every will. 

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

He doesnt get jealous. He gets deadly. If someone tried to touch his darling or "save" them, he would W R E C K them in the worst way possible. Rationally, of course. All his steps are calculated and they would never catch him. 

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

He acts relatively normal. Emotionless, stoic, smart. But he loves to just, well, love them. He likes to curl up against them or put them in his lap and run his fingers through their hair, whispering sweet words that they knew, ultimately, meant nothing. 

Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

Its a curiosity game. He's curious about them and they try to find out why he's the way he is. Why so blank? So monotone? It's quite fun to watch them figure him out while he already several files on them. 

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

No. Much like he told Syo and Natsuki, theyre a test subject and he made that very clear from the beginning on, to everyone. 

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

Traps, testing the limits of the human body, you know? Hypothermia? How long til it kicks in? Could you withstand the boiling point of skin if he just gradually turns up the heat? Of course hed never kill you. Just… observe the process. 

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

They dont have any rights outside of him. They rely on him for everything from clothing to food and water, to walks in the park. Everything is determined and up to him. 

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

He actually has a decent amount of patience because, again. Experiment. He wants to know why they're feeling this way and makes them talk about every last out and episode. 

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

Quite honestly, that depends on the natural personality of his darling. If they're kind and compassionate, almost like a mother, he would feel all kinds of sad emotions, maybe even overheat and "die". If they're constantly defiant and just annoying to deal with one way or another, he can find himself a new darling. 

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

No. He might have felt a ping of guilt once or twice but if his darling didn't catch that, they missed all their opportunity. 

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

Mainly the confusion about emotions in general. No one told him that feeling this strong toward someone was not, well, normal, but toxic. Suffocating. Deadly. Everyone just told him he was in love. Who knew love could be so killer? 

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

Indifferent. He'd take comfort them to get information out of them. Some times though he actually does hurt for them, mainly if it wasnt his fault though. Which is rarely the case. 

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

This is literally an experiment to him. Its not true obsession, but a kid who takes it way too far, ya know? 

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

Since he is very confused about his emotions, as mentioned above, if you catch him in a vulnerable state and kind of step on his emotions a bit, you might be able to distract him. Emphasis on might. 

Wit’s end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

Oh yes, mainly to see their reactions and it's not as extreme as others. He would never beat them, cut them, or feed them to the wolves. Just… testing their limits in other ways.

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

Its so bittersweet that after every bad thing, he holds his darling tight and tells them how proud he is of them, how much he "LOVES" them, knowing damn well that he has no clue what love is and this is just unhealthy behavior. 

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

He calls it observing rather than pining lol but he can go on for ages or at least until his darling shows interest in him, too. Thats when he strikes.

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling? 

Yes and hes in the process of that. Taking away their rights is only the first step of forming an obedient pet .

Beyond The Leather Chapter 6: Trouble After Paradise

Warnings: Drug use                       I was scared in fact I was terrified. She was pacing the room using all kinds of profanity that I have never heard before. I didn't even swear so it was shocking hearing her swear. Theresa was in the room sleeping she was out of it.

"This is unacceptable I cant.... I can't believe you Iman." She stared at me. "Your just beginning your career, and your going to let some crush with a junkie ruin it all for you!" She yelled waving her hands in the air.

"Tamara I'm-"

"Do not interrupt me when I am talking. Your mom trusted me to take care of you and I am trying my best. What on Gods earth made you go out. Especially with Nikki fucking Sixx! What do you think your doing by going to the Rainbow! Do you know what that place really is?"

I shook my head no. By this point I knew I messed up.

"That boy dosen't give two shits about you, your a game to him. That boy only cares about himself and drugs ok drugs nothing else. He can never love you or any one else."

Tears started coming down my cheeks and I started to cry because I knew she was right.

"Iman listen." Tamara sighed and walked towards me. She sat down on the couch." He can never love you ok. He's a junkie just like all the other guys he parties with. He will ruin you. None of those guys are worth your career." She whispered.

"I'm sorry." I hugged her and cried even more.

She rubbed my back and kissed my head. "Your better than he is. You need a decent guy a respectable guy. Not Nikki Sixx. But all that will come to you when your older. Right now you need to focus on you and your career. And also your schooling, cause your mom will kill me if you dont." She chuckled

"My mom must be really angry." I sniffed

"I didn't tell her, but you are going home for the rest of this month." She said with a stern voice.

"Ok." I wiped my tears.

"I'll deal with Theresa tomorrow, you go get some sleep. Your leaving tomorrow." She got and walked towards Theresa's bedroom.

I sat there staring at the walls. Tamara was right. I heard the way they talked about woman and saw the amount of alcohol they drank. But she was wrong about something.... the drugs. I haven't seen Nikki or any of his band members actually doing it. But who knows, people do things behind closed doors so that know one can see them for what they really are.

Next Morning

"I'm heading over to management I think I can get you into a big magazine shoot. And I got an audition for you for an up coming movie next year December."

"Ok" I sighed

Tamara walked out of my room and headed towards the door. But stopped and turned to Theresa who was nursing her hang over.

"I hope you learned your lesson." She spoke sternly.

"Uhhhh my head hurts and yes I did."

"If you want to go out get drunk and do drugs do it by yourself. Do not take my creation with you. I've worked to hard on her." She whispered down to Theresa.

"Shes a human being Tamara, also dont forget that shes a teen wanting to have fun. Not everything should be about work." Theresa responded back with an angled voice.

"Like I said I've worked hard on her. Do not fuck this up for me or your ass will be on the street." She snapped.

Tamara walked out the door slamming it shut.

"Hey you ok?" I asked coming out of the room.

"I'm alright hun, I had fun last night." She smiled.

"Oh I know."

I headed back to the room to finish packing.

Ring Ring Ring Ring

"Hey Theresa can you get the phone please!" I called out to her.

I continued packing trying to get all my stuff together. I heard the front door open and close and heard Theresa talking to somone. It sounded like a guys voice.

"Hey princess."

I look up to see Nikki standing by my door way. The nerve of this guy. To come over to my place and call me princess after what he did last night. If I was somone who swore there would be a lot of things I would call him.

"Why are you packing your suit case princess, where you going?" He asked with a confused look.

"I'm going home Nikki, so get out!"

This is where my temper starts to come in.

"Wait why I thought you said you were staying till the end of December?" He asked coming closer and sitting on my bed.

"Well I'm not so get out!" I yelled at him.

"No I'm not leaving till you tell me what's going on!" He shouted back at me.

"Ok what's going on is that I decided out of my better judgement to go out to the Rainbow with an alcoholic junkie." I sneered standing up.

Nikki's eyes went wide. He got up from my bed and walked towards me.

"Dont you ever fucking speak to me like that Iman.!" He pointed and shouted in my face.

"Whatever Nikki!" I pushed him and went down to zip and pick up my suitcase.

"Dont fucking touch me Iman!" Nikki yelled.

"Just get out Nikki what the hell do you want from me!?" I snapped pushing him again.

"I want you to fucking calm down and talk to me like a normal person not a fucking psycho bitch!!" He yelled grabbing on to my hands.

"Look Nikki, Tamara thinks it's best that I don't associate my self with somone like you ok. Our life styles are different. You drink, smoke, and treat woman as if there nothing. And you probably do drugs. I'm better than that, I'm better than you." I say pulling my hands away from him.

"Your better than me." He scoffs pointing at his chest.

"Yes I am." I say crossing my arms over my chest. "I don't want someone like you in my life. My career is taking off and I don't want to be dragged down by your decadent and excessive ways."

Nikki just stared at me putting his one hand on his hip and the other in his hair.

"Look let's just talk ok." He says with a lower voice. "If this is about last night I'm sorry I got fucked up ok. It won't happen again I swear to you." He says walking closer to me.

I felt bad but at the same time Tamara was right he will just ruin me. I'm a respectable good girl who needs to surround my self with people who are just like me. Not Nikki Sixx.

"I'm done talking to you, I said what ever I needed to say. Now get out Nikki. I'm going home."

"Fine run home to your mommy." He scoffs turning to leave.

Oh so he wants to start bringing mommy's and daddys into this argument ok.

"Well at least I have a mom. A mom and family to go home to. What do you have Nikki?" I smirk.

Nikki was seething with anger. He told me these things because he trusted me and I used them against him.

"Fuck you and fuck your family you fucking whore!" He yelled and I punched him in the jaw.

He turned to me in shock. His once calm expression turned into something I can't even describe. Maybe the hulk.

"You cunt!" He yelled shoving me back.

I tripped over my suitcase and fell on the ground. Theresa came running in the room as Nikki towered over me.

"Nikki stop!" She yelled.

Nikki held one hand to his jaw and the other reaching down to take my hand to lift me back.

"Dont touch me." I snapped slapping his hand away. "Just get out Nikki." I said with a shaky voice.

Nikki turned away with a clenched jaw and left my room.

"Nikki I'm very sorry shes just-"

"Listen you, her, and that stuck up bitch Tamara can all go fuck your selves." Nikki turned around and interrupted Theresa.

"Nikki plea-

"I SAID FUCK OOOOFF!" He shouted right in front of Theresa's face. He turned on his heel and walked out the door slamming it hard. Theresa was really scared almost shaking by his outburst.

Theresa came back in the room and sat by me. She placed her arms around me and hugged me tightly. I just wanted to go home at this point. I needed my family and to get away for a bit.

Nikki's POV

"Fuck her, fuck that fucking bitch and her cunt friends." I barged through my apartment door slamming it shut.

"Woah Sixx calm down, what's eating you up?" Robbin looked up from snorting coke.

"Fucking Iman is what's up. I tried fucking talking to her and she went all psycho on me."

"Hmm wow." Robbin responds laying his head back on the couch.

"Dude you save some for me?" I furrowed my brows.

"Yeah, oh by the way Neil called, he asked if you wanted to go on a club Med holiday with him to the french own island of Martinique in the Caribbean."

"Mmmmm yeah sounds good. Its not like I have a house, or friends, or a girlfriend here. You gonna come to?"

"Yeah bro I think I will." Robbin shifted over and made room for me to sit on the couch.

"Great I'll call him back, after I have some blow." I made a line on the table and snorted it up. ____

Saturday, December 1st, 1984

Nikki's POV

I came to the Caribbean Island of Martinique with Robbin Crosby and Neil Zlozower. I couldn't remember how I even got here because I was too drugged out.

"Wow this Island is beautiful. I stated as I was sipping a margarita.

"Shit sure is. So what do you got planned for us Neil?" Robbin asked.

"Well we should go on a hike later on in the day. I hired a tourist to take us around." Neil says while opening up a map. "He's going to take us up on a water hike.

"Why do we need to hike when there are topless woman to look at every where." I lifted my head while bringing down my sunglasses to look at women.

"Cause were on vacation Nik. Site seeing places is better than site seeing woman you dont really want." Neil stated.

"What's that suppose to mean?" I scoffed.

"Iman." Neil raised his eyebows.

I glared at Robbin.

"Look I only told him so that he could plan a good trip for us to take your mind off of her." Robbin waved his hands.

"I dont want to talk about her anymore. Let's just fucking go site seeing."

____

December 9th, 1984, Tornto, Canada

Iman's POV

I had been home for a couple of weeks now and I was very happy. I went shopping with my sisters, went to the movies, went to church, and had a chance to catch up with my school work. Some of my friends even visited me and we went out to eat. The only thing I didn't miss about being home was the winter. LA was hot all year round.

"Wow the tree is looking nice girls, let maya put the star up when you guys are done." My mom stated

"Yayyyyyy!!!" Maya jumped up.

"Bet you miss the LA heat huh." My sister Felicia nudged me.

"Oh man I do, but I rather be here in the cold with you guys than in the heat in LA alone." I smiled.

"So Tamara tells me you have an audition in February for a movie in December next year. That's good." My mom says as she sits down on the couch.

"Yeah I'm excited. I'm also excited too because I have some interview coming up next year. So that will be great."

"As long as you continue with your school work with the home school teacher." My mom says with a stern voice.

"Ughhh mommy whyyyyyy." I whine.

"Iman, you need something to fall back on in case acting doesn't work out. You getting a high school Diploma will benefit you, and also make me happy.

And that's something I always wanted for my mom to be happy.

"Sorry off topic but when's the last time you talked to Ola?" My older sister Selena asks walking into the living room

"Oh it's been a while. I should call her one of-"

I was interrupted as the phone began to ring.

"Hello." My mom answers the phone.

"Oh hi Tamara it's good to hear from you. Hope everything is alright?"

It was Tamara calling. My mom continues talking on the phone with her until she calls me over to talk with her.

"Hey Tammy how are you?"

"Hi honey listen dont freak out or anything, but I need to yell you something important. Vince from Motley Crue was involved in a car crash.

"Oh my God is he alright?"

"He is, but he had a friend in the car with him named Razzle and he didnt make it."

"Oh no."

"Vince and that guy Razzle were driving drunk. They also hurt three other innocent people. You see why I said these guys were bad news and to stay away from them. I hope you understand what im trying to tell you now."

"Yeah I... I do."

"Alright honey well I'll let you go. I'll send Theresa down to get you when it comes closer to your audition day ok."

"Alright thanks Tammy, bye." I walked over and put the phone down.

Wow this was shocking. I couldn't believe Vince would drink and drive. Well actually I feel like I could, words like responsibility and consequences meant nothing to those guys. They didnt care about anyone but themselves. Now three innocent people were hurt, due to two drunk drivers. I will definitely stay far away from them.

bruv im still jus. wow. theres so much to say but. do u kno how good it feels... to be jewish, to accidentally fixate on one eric cartman & love him more than any other fictional character for almost seven years now, and then to see him in a little yarmulke, standing at kyle's side while he recites from the torah? do you know how validating that is?

i gotta get personal for a second here. idk how, but in the last few yrs my relationship with my own jewishness has been deeply influenced and intertwined with south park, as ironic and ridiculous as that sounds. i grew up secular, completely nonpracticing; as a child, i was only ethnically jewish, and saw jews as strictly an ethnicity, and a popularly hated one to boot. and it scared me. ive talked about it before, but as a child hearing about the shoah and about antisemitism, i couldn't understand. i thought it was looks for a while, which confused me, because ive got blonde hair and blue eyes and all my family that got caught up in nazi europe did/do too. i remember thinking as a second grader that i would've been spared for that reason; why didn't a good chunk of my family? but i grew up in a mormon neighborhood, with plenty of other blonde kids, and they stayed away from me like i had a disease. this was before puberty, before my hair got a little frizzier and my nose got a little bigger, when i looked just like any of them. but already, at age 8, i was an outsider. i wasn't one of them and i never would be, and they wanted me to know that.

and then i started to get it. it clicked even more once i got to high school and got called a kike every other day - but prior to high school, you know what i found, and you know what really pushed me towards understanding what being a secular jew in america meant? south park. and as a dumb little sixth grader with no critical thinking skills, you know what shaped my opinions on my own people? south park.

and that's good and bad. good because i do sincerely think kyle broflovski is excellent fictional representation for jewish people, maybe one of the top few ever shown on television. he gets on my nerves at times, but he's good through and through, he's well written and multi-dimensional, he's not a walking stereotype but he still has prominent jewish features that jewish viewers can look at and see in themselves, his morals and viewpoints and beliefs are obviously deeply influenced by judaism, hes deeply proud of his heritage and culture... and that all means a lot to me. and by the amount of jewish sp fans that adore kyle, it means a lot to them too.

the bad thing is, yeah, i can't deny it, during older seasons, cartman's treatment of kyle probably taught a lot of young and dumb viewers how to view jews in real life. have i, as a kyman shipper and cartman stan, justified that within a fictional and narrative context? yes. but it doesn't change the real-world effect; south park, but specifically cartman, since he's the mouthpiece, likely did cause some easily-influenced people to pick up antisemitic beliefs. did this contribute to the rise of the alt-right? debatable, but to some extent, possibly. was that m&t's intention and should south park be canceled and denounced? fuck no, i'll always love it lol, and fuck censorship. but it is something that should be taken into account.

matt and trey clearly regret that, and understand that it's no longer acceptable or fitting or needed in today's sociopolitical climate - or, okay, maybe they don't even regret it; they just understand that when fiction becomes reality, the fictional jackass isn't necessary when there's one right there in real life, sitting in the oval office, yeah? old cartman doesn't deserve or need a voice, not when real, awful people actually have one right now. and m&t are actively trying to change cartman for the better and really, really backpedal on his bigotry, while still doing it in a way that makes sense from a story-telling perspective. it's not a complete uncharacteristic change of character; it's shifting with the times and writing it into the character's arc so that it's a logical and plausible development in cartman's story.

cartman's behavior in the last few seasons is consistent character development. m&t themselves are pushing it, and clearly it's sincere; cartman's not faking. unless they're building up a surprise twist over the last, what, three to four seasons, that he was faking the whole time! woah! if so it better be a damn good pay off, because that's a lot of time invested. though that seems more forward-thinking than sp tends to be. they're intentionally stuck in the short-term, aren't they? plot-wise. but their character development is pretty long-term, and right now, cartman is consistently decent, and if it comes across as faking, it's because cartman's over-dramatic in how he speaks, and trey does that intentionally.

that's a tonal thing, and it's hard to say in a fictional character, but as someone who struggles with empathy myself, empathy and sincerity don't go hand in hand. you can lack empathy while still caring enough to sincerely and wholeheartedly apologize for something and mean that apology. not feeling remorse doesn't mean you can't apologize genuinely; the two don't go hand in hand. you can be mentally ill in any capacity, even a psychopath, and still deeply care about things or people, just not in the way someone else might. so you can headcanon that cartman's still a psycho/sociopath, though right now that's actually kinda going against canon, but don't rain on other's parades if they're happy he's exhibiting healthy growth. besides, and i repeat: what could cartman exploit out of faking sincerity for several seasons? nothing, so why bother? he wouldn't, unless it's literal in-show subconscious growth.

does that mean he's magically developed empathy? no. is it becoming less probable he's a legitimate sociopath/psychopath (while still possibly having better-disguised antisocial tendencies)? yes. does he seem to have better coping or anger management skills? somehow, yes! he seems to be legitimately healthier. does this mean he's no longer accountable for his past misdeeds, and even his present, less-severe ones? of course not! and you can still hate him all you want, but modern cartman is not the same as older cartman, and shouldn't be treated as such. because is this growth? absolutely.

he's clearly healthier, even happier. he's less angry, he's still a little shit but he no longer relies on bigotry or cruelty or anger to get the negative attention he thrives off, rather he gravitates towards being simply annoying. you know why he called ice? pettiness, immaturity, a little bit of spite, and a need for silly revenge. he's being intentionally petty, but going about it in a sly but no longer psychopathic way. less hannibal lector and more, idk, regina george, lol. extremely different on the antagonist scale. and cartman's been both.

and maybe it's personal bias on what type of human is worse within fiction, someone unstable and bizarre with violent tendencies (which is how he's come to be viewed in pop culture & some of the fandom, as a result of eps like scott tenorman must die), versus someone inclined towards pettiness and more silent and, i dunno, social-status-and-pride-driven types of revenge (cartman in general when he's not being particularly awful, tbh)... but i think it'd be pretty universally agreed that the latter is at the very least more tolerable, manageable, and even likeable - and certainly more redeemable. let's put it this way; if cartman continued on the path he was on, he'd be one of those tiki holding fucks, wearing a confederate flag hat, and he'd treat kyle soooo much worse. instead, m&t have turned him into a hypocritical false-woke ignorant dumbass - but that's strongly less problematique than it's counterpart, and it works.

because cartman simply serves a different narrative purpose now. and that's not sloppy writing; it's well-timed evolution of a character that stepped into a pre-9/11, pre-trump, pre-social media world! so much has changed, and south park is reflecting that in its characters, most notably in a character who was stuck in the, what, 1960s with his beliefs? that was fine way back when, but matt&trey are smart dudes - they understand that sometimes things have to change. besides, they love cartman, too. he's their favorite. but they understand that when real people act like him, it's not so comedic or satirical or funny, & they don't want to look at cartman, at their creation who they've invested twenty-two years in, and see the all-too-real hate of modern radical white america.

i think we know enough about matt&trey's social stances these days, and the empathy they've seemed to develop after having kids, to understand that they're no longer in their "apathy is best, everyone is stupid" phase. current south park is left-leaning and admittedly preachy at times, but i wouldn't want it any other way. g-d knows it's better this way than if they'd embraced and decided to appeal to their right-libertarian following instead. cartman's evolved in a progressive and positive way, and it's fucking dope, especially to us cartman stans who so badly want him to be good. and he is good right! he's doing so good!

and i know im up my own ass rn but yall know how much i myself have campaigned for jewish kyman/cartman and how much i just deeply and truly adore it, and to see it actualized in a canon episode to some extent? that meant the world to me. i couldn't believe my eyes. i was tellin lai - that's the most genuine, pure, almost violent happiness ive felt in my soul in years. that was like a straight shot of serotonin to the heart. that simple little scene made me so fucken happy yall dont even know. & theres a lot to be said about the political commentary and plenty of other people are analyzing that, but im a simple jewish kyman & cartman stan and boy ive been fed good fjskfkdkdkfk!!!

Request: I JUST SAW REQUESTS ARE OPEN SO PLLEEEEEAAAAASSSSSSEEEE MAKE MORE PIDGE STORIES (preferably ones that dont end in sadness) like maybe one about y/n secretly being related to one of the other paladins or some shiz idk just aNYTHING WITH MAH PIDGEON 💚💚💚💚💚💚 also I friggin live for your writing its amazing and i don't understand

For: @kiiitkaaat4231

---

    When Pidge saw you, it was an accident. 

    She wasn’t necessarily avoiding you, but she certainly hadn’t stepped out of the house this afternoon with the intention of running into you. For weeks, she’s been doing a pretty decent job of keeping herself to herself, because when it comes to you, she’s stomping on very, very bumpy territory.

   It’s such a cliche, and she knows this. She accepts this, but that doesn’t mean she’s going to try and come out the winner. At the end of the day, her friendship with Lance means everything to her, and she will never be willing to sacrifice that for the sake of a crush that - let’s be honest - might not even lead anywhere.

   Pidge certainly isn’t willing to test it.

    But tonight, the workload gets too much. She’s been trapped in her bedroom nearly the entire day, dawdling over the same god damn software for one hour too long - it’s making her head hurt. Physically ache, to the point where not even shifting the screen lighting will help. That’s when she knows its time to pack in and perhaps treat her body like what it is - her body.

    She’s not in a good mood when she pulls herself from her room and heads downstairs. She’s not thinking clearly. She doesn’t even look both ways to make sure you’re not in the hallway before she leaves - she just walks, and perhaps that’s where the first trip up came into place.

    She doesn’t notice it. Not through the aching pains of her hunger. Not through the blur that is her thoughts.

    She waltzes right into the kitchen, one hand tangled in the hair at the back of her head, the other mindlessly scratching her stomach-

   Both of them snap to her sides when she looks up and sees you standing there, head buried in the cupboard, a number of ripped open cereal boxes littering the ground beside you.

    Pidge wants to turn back. She wants to turn around and flee before you turn around and see her, but her feet are frozen and she knows if she gets caught with her back to you, it’ll make the situation ten times worse. So she stays standing there, blinks a few times to try and clear her head so she doesn’t make a complete fool out of herself when you eventually look up and see her- 

    She sneezes.

   You jolt upright, head slamming against the top of the cupboard, a half-eaten box of Cookie Crisp tipping over and spilling beside you.

    “Jesus!” you exclaim, rubbing the back of your head, spinning to look at the shocked Pidge who is currently still standing in the doorway with her jaw agape and her eyes wide. “You could have said something a little earlier!”

   “I feel like you would have reacted the exact same way,” Pidge replies. She waltzes over, bends down and starts scooping the spilled cereal into her palm. “Can I ask what you’re doing?”

    You help her clean as you speak, and Pidge has to will herself not to lean forward and kiss you with how close you are right now - there’s been a number of close calls. Pidge doesn’t want to ponder on those.

     “I was cleaning out the cupboards,” you reply. “Hunk keeps buying new cereals from the different planets we go to, and all the other ones end up going stale. I thought I’d go through and throw them out.”

   Pidge raises a brow. “At half two in the morning?”

   You shrug. “I also couldn’t sleep.”

   “That’s a McClain thing, I think.”

   You scoff. “Absolutely not. Once Lance is out-”

   “Lance is barely a human. Therefore, my argument still stands.”

   You smile, ducking your head down in your attempts to hide it. Pidge wants to hug you. She wants to hug you. It’s such a weird feeling, considering she’s never been that type of girl before - she used to hate hugs, but there is a sudden appeal to the idea of wrapping you in her arms and holding you close.

    “Anyway,” you continue. “What are you doing up, Miss Pidge Gunderson? And why do I have the honours of your company?”

   Pidge blushes, tries to hide it, probably fails. “I was working. My brain got a little . . . lagged, so I came downstairs to get some food and that’s when I saw you.”

   “That’s when you scared the shit out of me for no reason.”

   Pidge smiles sheepishly. “Sorry.”

   You shrug. “No big deal. At least it was you. I like you.”

   Pidge’s heart thunders. She wills it to shut up, because what a stupid thing to react to. You’ve hugged her before. You’ve praised her and cried in her arms when she returns from missions - hearing you say you like her shouldn’t make her head spin in the way it does. 

    “I like you, too,” she says. And perhaps it’s the way it comes out as more of a whisper that catches your attention. Maybe it’s the way Pidge refuses to look up, the way she grips the cereal box a little tighter. Whatever it is, your attention is grabbed and suddenly you’re looking at Pidge with narrowed eyes.

    “Hey,” you say, reaching forward. You hesitate before placing your hand on top of hers, and immediately Pidge’s eyes slip closed. “Are you alright?”

   And then she says fuck it.

    “Would Lance be pissed off if I took you on a date over the weekend?” 

    The words are out so fast. She has to look up to make sure you’ve heard them correctly - part of her wishes you haven’t. She could redo it. She could bring herself together, be in a better headspace, not so panicked and jumpy because your hand is on hers.

    Your eyes soften immediately. Pidge prepares herself for rejection - you’re gonna try and let her down easy, and Pidge is gonna have to appreciate it and move on. She looks away, quickly waving her free hand in front of her face, because she’s too paralysed to move the other one.

    “Actually, you know what, that was unfair,” she says. “I shouldn’t have sprung than on you. I shouldn’t have just assumed you’d be willing to-”

   “It depends on where you’re taking me.”

   Pidge freezes, eyes snapping to your own. “Pardon?”

   You grin, and Pidge positively melts. “It depends on where you’re taking me,” you repeat. “He won’t like it if you’re taking me to some shabby old, run-down restaurant. He’ll want something a little better, I think.”

   Pidge swallows thickly, hardly believing her ears. She nods anyway. “O-of course. I wanna - I wanna take you to the best restaurant I can find. I wanna spoil you a little bit.”

   You shrug. “A good night in with some takeout pizza might not annoy him too much.”

    “You’re not inviting him, are you? I kind of just want it to be us two.”

   You giggle, lean forward and press a small kiss to Pidge’s cheek. “I’ve wanted it to be just us two for months, Pidge Gunderson. I’m glad you’ve finally caught on.” 

Love bites

Whats this? A fic for you? Yep!

Hope you enjoy!

Warning: blood, agrument at end

Logan was hungry, very hungry.

Normally he kept his hunger under control, but he hadnt been able to eat and was starving.

He was desperate.

So when he saw a hooded figure walking alone past an alleyway, he grabbed them.

“Sorry.” Passed logan’s lips as he shoved the hoodie sleeve up and bit into the strangers wrist.

Logan removed his fangs as quickly as he inserted them and spit out the blood. “Whst the fuck is that?!”

The hooded figured held their wrist. “Shouldnt i be asking you that?”

Logan looked at the guy- yes that was a guy- and had to take a second to compose himself. He was….quite attractive.

“Well yes, under the circumstances that would be expected, but in my defense, i am starving and would rather not taste your blood agian. How do you live with such…such…horrid blood in you?”

The guy stared at logan in disbelief. “Ok so..your a vampire im guessing.” Then crossed his arms.“and uh, rude,much? Im anemic.”

Logan ran the definition through his head quickly, and proceeded to take out iron supplements. “Take oen of these, wait are you on medicine alreasy? probably not with how your blood taste, ill make you a doctors appointment, i will,need your name.”

Hooded guy just stared at him. “No.” He gave a smirk.

“What do you mean no?” logan was confused, wouldn’t a human want to have good blood?

Hooded guy shrugged. “ I mean im not taking medicine, and im not going to a doctor. One, I’m broke, two, what are you going to do to make me? Bite me?”

Logan shoved the supplements at the hooded guy. “Name?”

“And im going to tell you, why?”

Logan gave a smile, “because i have your wallet?” and to prove so, he held it up.

Being a 200+ year old vampire means your good at pick pocketing.

“What? How did you- nevermind.” Hooded guy held out his hand for the wallet.

“Im Virgil. Virgil Bloodgood.”

Logan gave the wallet back and made a face.

“That is the most ironic name ever.”

_______

It had been a month since Logan bite Virgil, and yes, he did find a decent meal after words, but he visited Virgil every day.

Crawling through his apartment window, logan asked. “Did you go to your appointment today?”

Virgil looked up from his place at his desk, doing homework (logan found out he is a college student) and adjusted his hoodie.

“Oh my god Logan, can you not just use the door?”

Logan stood and and closed the window behind him. “I would, but you refuse to invite me in…luckily windows do not apply to that rule.”

Virgil just groaned and rolled across the floor in his chair. “No, i didnt go. You can’t make me.”

Logan sat on his bed. “Did you atleast get the cookbook I bought you?”

“Ah yes, "how to be delicious” the cookbook. Wonderful choice. Tell me, do you get this involved with all your meals?“ Virgil played with his bangs as if he didnt just imply the biggest insult of the century.

Virgil? Just a meal? Virgil who Logan, a vampire, has to force to sleep semi normal hours because he won’t sleep? Virgil who wears long sleeves and hoodies and socks and has 20 blankets on and is still cold? Virgil who dyed his hair purple and looks so adorable? Who shows Logan shows and ‘memes’ of the new world he doesnt understand?

Logan hadn’t know virgil long, but he is way more than 'a meal’ to Logan.

Of course, Virgil does not know that, nor need to know that.

"I only wish for you to be healthy. Your blood taste horrible, and it would not kill you to go to the doctors once to get meds and supplements to help. Also, if you ate atlleast normally instead of maybe once a day, I would back off a little, but if you insist on eating only once a day then it should at least be beneficial to you and include iron or -heaven forbid!- a actual food item instead of snacks and chocolate-”

That rant did not end soon.

______

4 more months and Logan and Virgil were friends(?) In a way at least.

Now Virgil was still stubborn about helping himself, but he was at least eating Proper meals, so long as logan made them (if you want me to eat, i don’t cook-ok, i’m cooking) which lead to logan moving in so he could cook when the sun was out.

But convincing Virgil lead to some….funny situations.

“Virgil, you need to eat! I made high iron food.”

“Not hungry.”

“Virgil, you need to eat.”

“Fine ill eat.”

“Rally? i thought it would be more of a fi-”

“If it is covered in garlic.”

“…You disgust me.” And Logan carefully put garlic on it.

___

Another time: Logan had been opening the curtains so Virgil could get some sun (he stood at the side, dont worry) and Virgil hissed and hid under hai bed.

“Oh my god Virgil, im the vampire, get out and enjoy the sunlight.”

“No, you can’t make me. Sunlight evil.”

“Althought i agree with that last statement, you need vitamin D.”

“Logan, I swear, if you want me to get vitamin D so much, ill go to the sunniest beach on the sunniest day in swim tunka just to avoid you.”

Logan laughed at him. “Please Virgil, no offense, but you? in a crowded beach? ” he laughed.

Virgil glared from the bed and moved to sit in the middle of the sun beam. “Ha, now you can’t touch me.”

Logan gave a fond smile to the back of Virgil and nodded. “Oh well”

_____

“I swear Logan, if you try to take me out to get sunlight in that sun hat of yours, i will go into the hall of mirrors and leave you there.”..Logan, who was wearing a daunting floppy sun hat so he could spend days with virgil outside, shook his head.

“Common misconception, but new mirrors show relections of vampires. It was only old mirrors that had silver backing to make it reflective that wont show reflections.”

Virgil had a evil look growing on his face. “Really now?” And went to the computer.

Logan walked over and looked,over his shoulder.“what are you looking up?”

Logan read the screen and gasped. “You wouldnt dare.”

Virgil grinned and hummed as he hit a picture. “I can afford that.”

“Virgil dont you dare hit that button!”

“Aaaaaand bought!”

That was how Virgil became the 'only’ proud owner of an antique silver backed mirror.

_____

Despite all the agruments, they did get along pretty well.

______

“Logan, what happened to the french in the 1800s?”

“Virgil, just because im over 200 years old doesnt mean i know everything.”

“Ok yeah but what happened?”

“Oh well what happened was-” and Virgil had an essay so good his teacher had him stay late to ask if he cheated. And he didn’t! Technically.

______

“Virgil, you forgot to do laundry again.”

“Oh shit, sorry, I forgot. You need your red polo tonight don’t you?”

“Don’t worry about it, i just wanted to inform you that i took care of it and you need not to worry about it. Also.” Logan threw a blandly at Virgil. “I put this in the dryer for a while. You enjoy when they are warm, do you not?”

Virgil cocooned himself instantly, and snuggled into the warm blanket.

“Your the best lo. What can i do to thank you?”

Logan gave him a smile, “maybe….go,to the doctors,tomorrow?”

Virgil,groaned but sighed. “One appointment! No,more.”

____

��Ok, so i say the meme,,you tel me what it means. Ready?”

Logan gave a determined nod. “Yes, i am ready.”

“Yeet.”

“To throw something, or a way to agree or show excitement.”

“Two bros.”

“Refers too two men who were in a hot tub at a large distance, who are not gay. A tragedy.”

Virgil laughed a bit. “Ok ok.. Free sha vacka do.”

“Fresh avocado spelled wrong, a 'mood’ if i am correct.”

Virgil gave Logan a high five. “You’re doing good, Logan!”

Logan smiled at Virgil. “Why thank you Virgil.”

_____

Virgil knocked on Logan’s door at 4 am.

Logan,opened in second, wide awake.

“Virgil? You should be-”

“Asleep? Yeah, but my room is cold, and I have a test at….3 pm today so I’m worrying.”

“Ah yes…may i ask how i am suppose to help?”

“Let ms sleep in your bed with you.”

Logan couldn’t fight the blush. “W..what?”

Virgil walked in and laid on his bed, messing up the perfect sheets as he did so. “I’m cold. Cuddle me.”

Logan stood at the door blushing. Ok so..sleep deprived Virgil is brave, no filter Virgil. Got it.

“I hate to disappoint, but i do not have a body heat to warm,you with,”

“Oh my god, are you going to cuddle me to not?”

Logan slid into the bed beside Virgil obediently and blushed. Virgil, as promise,d cuddled up to Logan and managed to get back to sleep.

Logan could not sleep. Not with the cuteness beside him, instead he carefully planted a kiss to the human’s forehead and smiled.

_____

“Are fangs sexy to vampires?”

Logan was..not expecting that. They were watching Steven Universe, when did fangs pop up?

“I..im sorry but..how did you come to this question?”

Virgil shrugged,sliding into the blankets more. “I’ve kinda been thinking about it for a while..cause you are pretty hot and..fangs add to that. So, as a human, i find fangs hot. But like..do other vampires find fangs hot?”

Logan stared at Virgil. He thought Logan was hot? Well perhaps…

“Well vampires do tend to see fangs as..flirtatious or..intimate…. I..personally..do prefer…flatter teeth myself.”

Virgil blushes and Logan could see the tip of a smile behind the blanket.

“Oh, ok.”

____

2 more months an Logan finally confessed. It was…messy.

Virgil and Logan had been having an argument over his need to have more iron, but it was..getting out of hand.

“I don’t want,to fucking eat that!”

“I know you like this food, you said this was your favorite and it is high in iron!”

"Why can’t you fuck off about my iron!“

"Why can’t you just eat without complaint for once!”

Virgil had grabbed Logan’s tie and pulled him down to eye level. “Will you stop treating me like I’m a fucking farm animal your waiting to chop up and eat! Quit treating me like your fucking meal!” Virgil had let go and backed up a bit, glaring daggers at the vampire.

Logan had to process everything. The argument, the closeness, the tie pulling,

'Your fucking meal!’ Rang in Logan’s head.

Logan grabbed Virgil by his hoodie and slammed his lips onto him, ignoring the tiny drops of blood he got from his and Virgil's lips alike (it was crushed kiss, fangs got in the way a bit)

Breaking the kiss, Logan glared. “You haven't been 'just a meal’ to me! Your sarcastic and honest and fucking gorgeous! You make my heart beat and my head spot working! I want you to eat and take care of yourself because i want you to be healthy, not so I can drink your blood! I love you Virgil, why can’t you see that!”

Virgil’s small squeak is what broke Logan out of it. He let go of his hoodie and backed away quickly, shock on his face.

“Virgil I..i am…"he took a breath, trying to force himself calm. "I apologize, my actions were not…they were uncalled for and I am Sorry I did that-”

“Did you mean it?”

“What?”

“Did you mean it when you said you loved me?”

Logan blushed and steeled himself, trying to prepare for the worse. He gave a nod. “I..I do love you Virgil…in a…romantic sense.”

Virgil seemed to relax a bit and rubbed on his bleeding lip. “Well…it would have been nice to be asked first, but….I’m glad.”

“Huh?”

Virgil walked over to Logan and grabbed his tie, gently pulling him in closer and giving him a soft kiss.

“Love you too.”

I loved this! Thank you so much!! I always love receiving fanfic, especially from you. ~S

i just need to vent a little, i’ll prolly delete this in like 20 min cuz thats just how i am, a regret machine lmao :U

i’m at the point where i feel like i need to run away and become a new person, leaving everything behind, or i’ll just end up a dead body somewhere where nobody can find me

first thing is first, i’m venting here because i need the aspect of people potentially seeing, but i dont really want anyone to talk to me because i 100% will just shut down if that happens. if you wanna show support or whatever, a link on this post is enough, honestly. it shows me someone did read it, but i dont expect anything more, if even that at all. just wanted to clear that up. “positive talk” shit just makes me feel worse too so please dont send me anything thanks.

i dont mean that to be alarming tbh, its just that i felt that the last year was great for recovering and trying to be a normal ass human being, but i was only recovering from one thing (dumbass delusions and hallucinations that kept me from functioning like a normal person, often too much for me to even want to move from one spot in my room, etc but its for the most part passed save a few “leftovers” i guess i’ll call them, yeah i know im crazy fuck off) and not the many other things i needed to learn how to do to be a functional and useful adult in society

for fucks sake im 25 and i havnt had a stable job in years, and the only real job ive had was literally asking me to be faster than i could humanly go, spending breaks crying in the bathroom so i didnt break down in front of all the residents at the old folks home. doing art is... cool and all but its not stable and thats all my fault. 

im afraid that no matter if i get hired anywhere ill just loose the job in a year or less. if not for the fact that im the most useless thing then it will be my health issues that my previous job (the fuckign NURSES EVEN) treated like normal pain even though i lay in bed or the bathroom floor crying and throwing up pain killers. i havnt been able to see a professional for a diagnosis or even a fuckign checkup since before i was in high school. 

for the first time in a while iv ebeen wanting some way to punish myself for all the things i¿’ve done, or not done, or whatever. i havnt done anything yet anyway, though i have had time to consider some things that are pretty overall harmless but at least effective. i dunno. 

because i feel like everything is my fault.

this life i was given, somehow its my fault. punishment for not finishing school and being a useless body barely considered for any kind of job. punishment for not being able to please the people i care the most about. punishment for trying to figure my shit out on my own. punishment for this and that and the other thing.

im living a burden’s life

at this exact moment i want nothing more than to just casually disappear and jujst suddenly be someone else, if anyone at all. let me start over in anohter ountry, another body, adnother sret of problems that are hopefully not a hinderance to me getting a job and being a decent and useful body in whatever society i end up in. i guess the body part is unrealistick outside of the slight possibility of reincarnation after death, but that assumes i would reincarnate into something sentient enough to have these problems to begin with. after all im not sure i deserve another human life after this one.

but i dont really want to give up the like three people i talk to, the like four maybe five hobbies or things that interest me, the general place i live in... its not half bad here, other than being cold as fuck. theres clean water, the worst natural problem is floods, snow or tornadoes, all which are more managable than not. hell theres even gonna be a round1 opening here soon.

im afraid of the ghosts in the house now

ghosts cant really hurt you right, but the thought of seeing one, encountering one, im too scared to do things like go to the basement and do my laundry, walk around the house when im home alone. at most i may go to the kitchen to make food, i would be safer in my bed or at my desk so i will stay there.

if i see one of their faces i wont stop thinking about it, i wont wanna even be left alone, so i cant go places i need sometimes. i dont know...

im afraid of living away from the people i have gotten used to seeing every day. i have not enough merits on my own to keep myself afloat, not till i can finish school and even then i lost my high schookl records and e¿wehnerbrt i have money to potentially go to school again i only have so much and little time here ant there and i will need more for the bus, i cant do this as easily i widh i col. its stupid i hate it i hate myself for being so fucking fifficult and i wish i wan literally anyone else who didnt have to have fucked up so badly in their past that im undesirable in jobs. i dont have antyhign worth giving.

i look like shit now, i was beign a bit okay but now stress made me ugly again. i dont want to bee seen outside or by anyone at all ever. can i live my whole life behind a screen? i wish. my dental issues are worse and worse and i cant fuckign afford it and it makesd me looks like a mess and nasty even tho i cake taker of mytselff i tri i really do i wish i oculd be beetttr, i dont talk to anyone bcu im too sacred of thesm now and i lost sll my fredins but i dnt want them back at all becasude im too scared to sau hey i meedds up im sorryu im not cry typing i cnat get mu brasin to process it too fast im sorru hten barely reassable sorry

i guess if dgonna be hard to reas im sonna stor then bye

im a v social creature

or at least, i leave my hovel at least three times a week to do something (the store, park, friends house, etc.) just cause i cant STAND sitting still. i travel a fuckton too. im not really a homebody. im always on the go.

buuut ever since i had The Wreck n broke my leg, ive been stuck. no one who i hang out with on a regular basis has really come to see me. i havent been able to go anywhere. i can only put weight on one leg. does that stop me from kinda getting around?

obviously.

its really been draining me out mentally, and its really kinda put into perspective who values me? maybe its cause ive literally had nothing but my thoughts to keep me company, with so much more time than im ever used to having.

like

after a drunken talk with a friend, i realized that they were very responsible for some Bad Shit that could have been avoided if they had been a decent human being. at the time, their action did not actually directly effect me, yet very much indirectly did in a way that influenced some of my own bad decisions. butterfly effect, sorta.

BUT ANyWAY... i stopped being friends with that person recently. cause well. they were just really shitty at being a person? like... they kinda treated service workers like shit, nitpicked the smallest things, and had what i dubbed "the royalty complex." the final straw for me was when they went through a fast food DRIVE THRU line at LUNCHTIME and placed like 10 seperate orders?? not like two meals n a coke, but like 10 seperate orders that required 10 seperate money transactions. in the drive thru.

i cant be friends with that.

and we have a mutal friend that ive known since like 2010 who i do love very much but... i know ive done my fair share of shady shit to them in the past (whoops) and thats not an excuse thats the truth. (whoopsx2). and id like to remain friends with them?

but i havent seen that person since 2017.

and why?

cause they kinda went off the radar. and i get it. it happens. sometimes ya just gotta get away and stay away for a bit.

but

maybe how i look at friendship is fucked up. maybe its cause im fucked up. maybe its cause hurr durr i had a shitty childhood hurr durr. maybe its cause ive been in my head for a few months, and especially this last one

but maybe

but maybe i feel like im exerting 90% into a friendship that they only give 10% of a shit about. sometimes its 80%. sometimes its 70%. sometimes i have those days where its only like .2% on the Fucks I Give

but with that said

im Extra!!! i always have been! and i know that its my downfall cause deep down i know its underappreciated most of the time!!! but you know what???

im done with being extra for the sake of people that dont give a shit about me.

only one of my friends visited me in the hospital.

i almost died.

the person that came to see me was the only roommate that ive ever had that i really liked? i went to high school with them. they have a baby and we are hanging out today. my first social interaction since, well, they came to see me in the hospital.

ill be extra for that person, cause they Give A Shit.

the other person that id like to stay friends with? they radio silenced me after the wreck. that hurt. i figured they didnt want to be friends with me anymore. understandable, since i wouldnt want to be friends with me either.

but whatever im done with this emotional outburst cause i dont even want to get started on the past three weeks of being inable to move around and the upcoming five weeks of the same thing.

and i wont be walking on my own for another three months, at least.

i have nothing more to add right now.

canon clan merging

thanks for the help! c: this is a big long, so hope it’s ok i use the submit.

No worries! I love any submission or ask anyone gives me! Sorry about the wait though… kinda forgot about this first submission.

i’m planning on making the clans a bit more… distinct, since in canon they’re pretty bland sadly. i’ll think on wind + shadow’s name, tho i was considering Moonclan as well. i’m working on some backstory / history on the formations, and for TC / RC i’m having it be where they manage to mesh pretty well and combine after about say… a year or so? mostly bc they both want Sunningrocks, and the when the leaders come together to work it out, they figure this is the best way to settle the dispute + combine to survive. 

It seems more plausible for River and Thunder to combine than for Shadow and Thunder to combine. Although they have the rivalry over Sunningrocks, it always seemed like Riverclan was more willing to compromise and forgive than Shadowclan. Im still interested in what caused the clans to need to do so, as its unlikely they would simply combine just because. Either some catastrophe would need to happen (sickness, predators, humans) or another threat from the other clans would probably be the only reason they would come together.

Now, regarding the ranks… when they first merge, they have two leaders + deputies, and two medicine cats as well (i’m planning on having the med cat position be treated w a lot more respect too :p) anyway, over time, i’m thinking they do away w the two leaders/deputies and instead they have only one like in canon OR i might just change the rank completely?? as the roleplay will be set a few seasons down the road so they will have had amble time to connect + a merging of culture along the way and all that, plus at this point in the timeline, Sunningrocks has become a symbol of unity + peace between them. 

I can definitely see the leader position being streamlined, because having two leader from competing factions would only highlight the differences instead of the unity. But maybe they could retain something like two deputies? Or some kind of council from when they joined together. It would be a reminder that there was a point when there were two different groups, but without actually causing tension between two competing leaders. Possibly the two deputies could have different functions in the clan, like a deputy of the camp, and a deputy of the territory (i.e. a deputy who kept up with all the camp duties and made sure that the queens and medicine cat were stocked, the elders were comfortable, and that the kits and apprentices were doing well in their training/education and then a deputy in charge of hunting, patrols, and the like in the territory). Or you could have a council of warriors, senior warriors maybe some who remember when the clans were separated, and work to help the clan come together.

regarding Wind + Shadow, i was going to have them join together a bit later bc there’s still bad blood between them; see Shadow driving Wind out, Brokenstar being a reminder of what befell Windclan, Thunder sheltering Broken, etc. So they will join together, but it’ll take time and even when they /do/ eventually join, tension might still be there for a bit, at least.

I can see that, another good question to ask yourself is where in the timeline, if you are following a canon timeline in which those events occurred did this happen? Because that affects A LOT. If you do it within memory of Tigerstar, there would be understandable fear about joining together, as well as enough cats with ties to other clans it could be awkward. On the other hand you could have a younger Mistystar being amazing…. but if you place it far enough from canon Tigerstar and Brokenstar, than a lot of those reservations (and even the grudges between Wind and Shadow) would be irrelevant.

i do like what u mentioned abt water and fire + earth and wind! i didn’t think of that, haha. with that in mind… i guess i could go for an elemental style clan name, though i don’t know that. maybe Steamclan for river + thunder and Dustclan for wind + shadow? i dunno, i’ll think on it.

now, canon clans are pretty barebones. i don’t think i’ll go all out like warriorsredux or anything but i do want to make them a little bit more distinct than in canon. 

Honestly even small things make a huge difference. Things you can start with include: Specific traditions about what happens once an appprentice becomes a warrior (beyond just the vigil, or substituting the vigil for something else), how does the clan celebrate births, deaths, and ranking up? Are there any special ways the cats bury their dead? And maybe if you want a little bit more flavor maybe some sayings or scraps of stories from each clan.

also, i do have headcanons of certain breed traits that i view the clans have. Like, River has Turkish Van/Angora ancestry, Thunder has Maine Coon/NFC traits, Wind has Oriental shorthair traits, and Shadow has maybe… bombay traits and stuff like that ? idk. 

I love headcanons for appearances of canon clans. Its funny how for the most part the fandom agrees on several of them. Something which I have always toyed with is having Shadowclan be british shorthair, or something like that, more cobby-type body, this would work well because the only cat ever mentioned to have a smooshed face is Yellowfang, and that is usually connected to cobby body types and breeds.

so eventually down the road, you have river + thunder who are pretty big, and have long fur (usually) + they climb and swim so they’re good on both land and in water. and then, with wind + shadow, they have long legs, wide eyes, big ears, so they can sprint fast and have good night vision.

also i’m planning on going w a bit more realistic cat behavior as well as correct genetics and i’m gonna use traditional naming (Ailuronymy’s system, since I’m still gonna have this be in Britain).

The combination makes sense, although Ill bet youll have a decent amount of differences at first while the clans are still mixing (might make for some slightly odd cats). As for realism, it always important to spend a good amount of time researching cat behavior, and if you have a cat or access to one, just watching how they interact with other cats, animals and people. My cats have really helped me bring realism into my warriors writing because Ive become fairly familiar with their expressions and body language.

sorry for the longer reply here, but i’m def excited about this now! :)

Well I hope you enjoy the journey even if you dont go with this idea!

Wow... some of you people are honestly fucking disgusting. M2 does have a point. Perhaps its you people whom dont understand what its like to be emotionally abused by someone who is mentally disabled. Yes, they have a mental problem but it does not give them the right to treat people like garbage. Ive had former friends who played the disabled card any time they hurt me and then went on to say "Im mental so you need to understand me" when I confronted them. Without any appologies. Smh (1/2)

(2/2) What M2 is trying to get across is that while mental disabilities are indeed a factor in people’s behavior, there comes a point where someone is just being an asshole. They, like anyone else, should learn from their mistakes and not expect the world to revolve around them because they might have an issue. Everyone has issues some more severe than others. Again, it still doesnt mean you can treat eachother like crap.

Id also like to clarify on my two part post, pointing out someones bad behavior, mentally disabled or handicapped, is not the equivalent of making fun of them. Nor am I refering to those whom have SEVERE forms of mental issues such as high functioning autism that literally cannot communicate properly. I understand being patient with someone who needs a bit of time to learn from there mistakes but its not a get out of jail free card. Thats all M2 is saying.

This just in! Anons have no cs drama to bitch about so they attack the mods. Oh the humanity

Honestly the real trashholes are the idiots ragging on M2. I mean really??? You guys are so willing to got out and attack them . You guys are just as horrible. Because you guys took the time out of your day to go and be nasty back. And then go and tell em be humble and shit?? Fuck all of you anons. You /could/ have addressed the issue much more civilly than this. I’m not trying to pick sides, but it’s pathetic when people resort to this bullshit

wow using words like the r word and snowflake when defending people with mental disabilities doesn’t make it quite effective lol?????

Hoooly shizz, are people seriously that dense? Someone defends their points on how things are going and y'all are getting so butthurt about it. I know this place can get some trashy anons by my dear, y'all got some serious nerve calling someone scum and telling them to leave for this. Hope you’re not taking all this to heart M2, not all the anons are that hate-filled ;n;

No, anon. If they are mentally ill, disabled or otherwise neurodivergent, DESPITE the difficulties they may have understanding social cues, being polite or understanding that they were rude and apologize, it is STILL not an excuse to not put forth the effort to learn when and what they did wrong. It is still up to them to be a decent person, or they should not be in a mod role. M2 is not in the wrong, and you’re being a bully and pretty anti-recovery imo. Need me to elaborate?

To the anon(s) deeming it necessary to spam the mods’ asses with bullshit: what the FUCK is wrong with you people?? Do none of you have ANY shame whatsoever about harassing someone for no reason other than to be complete assholes? “I’m a complete shitter so I’m going to harass this person for saying this one thing that I don’t agree with” - get a fucking grip and stop forcing other people to deal with your bullshit because you have a shitty life. 

Btw, anon who sent that defense for M2 about how nd ppl still need to try and learn and not be rude, I’m mentally ill too, so don’t start. I’m fucking sick of the attitude Tumblr in general has towards mental illness. Recovery is good! People should own up to their actions, mentally ill or not. I don’t care what it is that causes you to miss social cues, lash out or whatever, you still need to ow up. It sucks that it happens, and maybe you didn’t mean it, but still least try to be better.

Tmblr just has a bad idea of how memtal illness should b treated. Take it from someone whos mentally ill (adhd, psycosis and mood instability fyi) tjis website HURT me with its “ooo MI ppl can do no wrong n are stuck in a shitty place forever n can never get better” that they act like its a good thing or something fuckkkkkkk. Its legit toxic, and im STILL recovering from those mindsets two years later. Stop. I beg you! Youre not doing MI ppl any good this way.

As someone with mental health issues and disabilities I can say that it is not a get out of jail free card, You guys are being pretty damn rude to M2. People cant learn from their mistakes or about their behavior if you dont tell them what their doing wrong and try to help them better themselves and their behavior towards others. Not all mental health issues and disabilities make it so you literally cant do some things, For those ones its completely understandable for ones that dont effect ½

2/2 people in that way who have them, It is still not right to be an asshole and these people are the ones that could definitely learn to better their behavior if people would actually let them know what their doing is not okay.

Ali & Carly

Ali: Heyo boo Ali: thanks for Rocky wrangling with me today, you're now also his fave so, add that to your tally Carly: its k i had fun Carly: hes a cutie & cool kid Ali: me too Ali: yeah, he's alright, but cocky enough so I ain't telling him Ali: dunno where he gets that from 😏 Carly: ha Carly: yea idk Carly: no clue Ali: i'm sorry Ro was being off btw, I'm working out why but trust it wasn't you, babe Ali: been neglecting her lately, everyone wants a piece of me Ali: hard life Carly: idc its me too Carly: nobody wants a piece but you Ali: I just told you that ain't true, and Rocky is ruthless, he called one of my customers a 'big bum witch' the other day Ali: no tip for me, thanks dickhead Ali: but I want all of you regardless Ali: willing to throw hands Carly: aw Carly: this town is full of big bum witches tho Carly: my ma back for one Carly: but are you willing to use those hands for good too or Ali: awks if that was your Ma, like hey gurl, I think you rock it Ali: your daughter ain't bad either Ali: you know it, IOU 'cos we couldn't make like we were in the backrow of the cinema Carly: unless she been lying about where she at i think youve avoided meeting the in laws again Carly: k cuz you kno i need to collect soon Carly: bored Carly: just back and zoned out so fast Ali: ain't even got exciting stories from their galavanting? fucking rude Ali: at least when we go AWOL we also go wild Ali: make things happen, lads Carly: my ma's good for nothing but hairspray and peroxide Carly: only use if i get beat up again Carly: my da's good for cash tho if you wanna get wild w me Ali: or you wanna single white female me Ali: which would be a disappointing outcome to say the least Ali: can't tonight babe, I've gotta have some sister time Ali: go hard for both of us Carly: k Carly: try not to miss me bad when shes talking about me Ali: oh babe, she will not, and if she does I'll set her straight Ali: gonna let the world know you're my 😇 Carly: whatever her issue shes gotta air it and youre her sister so you gotta hear it Carly: idc shes not gonna hurt me w it Carly: and setting peeps straight is the opposite of how you do, babe Ali: true Ali: idk what issue she could have though, you're a literal ray of sunshine Ali: true again 😏 Ali: ugh, imma miss you Ali: maybe i can sneak out when she's gone to bed, the 'rents too Carly: i miss you now Carly: cant hear my parents say shit Carly: i just wanna talk to you Carly: dont tell me maybe & keep me waiting tho Ali: i will Ali: promise Carly: i dont wanna make trouble for you Carly: w anyone Carly: you can stay w her if you need to stay Ali: You won't Ali: I can do both Ali: be back before first light Ali: even if I'll miss watching the sun rise on your face 😔 Ali: we've got the night, baby Carly: but you kno if ive got you for the whole night youre gonna fall asleep Carly: thats what im good at Carly: feel free to tell your sister thats why you like me ha Carly: fun & tiring its magic Ali: hmm, we'll see who wears who out first, babe Ali: and if I am that husband, then you'll just have to wake me up with morning sex like the good little wifey you are 😘😂 Carly: always bringing that confidence i like it Carly: k but if my parents wake up too you can explain its a duty thing yea i had to like Ali: i like you Ali: for so many reasons and imma show you all of 'em tonight Ali: fuck that Ali: stay out with me, its warm enough Ali: i'll trace all the constellations out with my tongue so you won't ever forget Ali: educational Carly: my ma is asking me what im blushing about Carly: i told her what you said but she's not a believer Carly: support my education bitch Carly: ha Ali: i mean, i'd offer to let her see the benefits for herself but Ali: not gonna win me any brownie points 'cos she won't take me up on it Carly: she dont kno what she's missing but i do Carly: wish you were here Ali: me too Ali: start the party without me babe, i don't mind Carly: too late if you do Carly: gotta get through this reunion some way Ali: they aren't making you watch a slideshow, are they? Ali: fate worse than death Ali: Maybe you could go to Ronan's? Lmao, he's been up in my pussy way too much since he found out about us...didn't think we were THAT loud but ok boy Carly: yea Carly: might do cuz same Carly: but what if i miss you he can really make a night of it when he wants Ali: Nah, I won't let you face that disappointment, babe Ali: my spidey senses will tingle like not on my watch, fuckboy Carly: aw Carly: you gonna come get me? Carly: thats no way to get him out your pussy babe fyi Ali: yeah Ali: I know but I like the idea of showing you off as mine Ali: but no sharing, he only gets to watch and be mad he fucked it up Carly: i like it too Carly: youre hot when youre oneupping fuckboys Carly: i thought i knew how to do it best but k youre flipping the script Ali: as long as i'm besting them i'm doing my job right Ali: gotta keep you on-board Carly: speak of the devil Carly: how he know i was alone & horny Carly: my parents have only gone to the shops its uncanny Ali: know your neighbours but bit stalkerish, pal Ali: i'll text him to fuck off, freak him out Ali: how does she know, ha, two can play this game fucko and I'm more committed Carly: ha Carly: you gotta Carly: hes smoking im gonna bum one see what line he tries to lay on before the text sends Ali: On it Ali: gotta let him know there's a queue to court the princess now and he's at the back, soz Carly: he likes hitting it from the back he wont be put off Carly: im gonna show him some of the hot pics i took of you tho Ali: when is he ever tbf? 🐶👅💦 Carly: true Carly: that fucking cute tho aren't i Ali: you know it babe Carly: hes talking to my da now Carly: kill me Ali: how fucking dare he Ali: knowing he has the upper hand with the man bants Ali: i know how to change a tire too! love me! Carly: if my ma invites him in for tea im out of here Carly: she will think hes hot under the collar for her & bitch thats my groundwork Ali: Run baby run Ali: what kinda moron is he tho Ali: coulda had a private show if you just waited, now its all saturday night telly and flat lager Carly: you kno i have nowhere to go if you dont want me babe Carly: facts Carly: he likes me now he cant have me what a fucking Carly: like i wouldve fucked you but im not getting w you Ali: i do, is this full sos crisis mode though? 'cos i need to be good for a lil while longer yet Ali: such a typical bloke move that Ali: bet he ain't the only boy in ur inbox, not a pun Ali: 'cos he ain't in mine like 🙄 Carly: its k your sister needs you Carly: i can keep walking Carly: loads of other lads on site as well as in my inbox Carly: & they arent trying to say hi to me before we get down to it nevermind my parents Ali: 😾 Carly: why so sad blue eyed boo Ali: i don't like how lads treat you Ali: i'm not jealous, like swear to god, even though i obviously want you all to myself, i get it Ali: but i'm not about how shit they are to you, even if you don't care, they should care to be decent humans Carly: thats not lads its everyone Carly: youre the only one treating me different Carly: they dont know how else to be Carly: made my bed babe Ali: nah Ali: you don't deserve half the shit you get, that's bullshit Ali: and even the rest, people just don't wanna try to understand or be good, heaven forfend they inconvineince themselves for one second, like Carly: if im a slag im a slag i dont get to put conditions on it Carly: if it was a film maybe Carly: but theres no romance coming my way from theres and i dont want it Ali: why can't you just be you? someone who likes fucking, among other things Ali: not romance just like...not being a cunt Ali: idk Ali: pisses me off Carly: cuz you don't run the world even tho you strut it like you do and i love it Ali: not yet, babe Ali: one day, and you can be my right hand woman Carly: yea? Carly: take me w you & ill take you to all your fave places k Ali: k Ali: we'll be fun forever, I promise you Carly: gotta be Ali: you know i like you even when you ain't tho Ali: don't tell Carly: who would i Carly: ronans got enough for his wank bank & nobody else is chatting to me rn Ali: exactly, ruins the illusion and fantasy when they realise i care about you Ali: so unsexy of me Carly: youre sexy to me Carly: idc what they think Ali: good Ali: me either Carly: i like you too you kno Ali: yeah Ali: i had my suspicions Carly: i dont have any subtlety sorry about it Ali: Don't be Ali: I love it Ali: not enough people say what they mean or want, ever Carly: waste Carly: k i wasnt shouting how bad i wanted to kiss you before i did but not cuz i was bothered about me Ali: agreed Ali: sometimes you can't know you want something until you've got it Ali: i get it Carly: you get me Carly: its weird Ali: 🔮 Carly: ha Carly: k what am i thinking now Ali: wouldn't be proper to say Ali: tut tut bad girl Ali: like how you think though Carly: fuck Carly: youre good Ali: 🤷 don't mean to brag but remember that phrase you'll be screaming it later Ali: such a Ronan line, I can't 😂 Carly: but true Carly: not like when he says it Ali: 😍 Carly: what you doing w your sister Carly: gotta live through that cuz bored Ali: Fixing my weave Ali: getting into a white girl dread territory over here Ali: then gonna do some 🔮 forreal Ali: get ready for me to be even more of a know it all baby Carly: cute Carly: tell me my future i got some shit from another neighbor & im waiting for it to kick Carly: hows it gonna treat me Carly: needing a good trip Ali: we'll see who gets the answer first Ali: you got anything for me? Carly: yea Carly: they mystery but i kno you arent scared Carly: & you got me doing a test run rn lying on here on the grass Ali: 🌌 be there before it fades away my space explorer Carly: if you find me at a bad end prob dont take it Ali: is one of the lads trip sitting you Carly: so he reckons but hes drinking so theres no trust Carly: & he gave me it Carly: his game could be me lights out idk Ali: keep texting me, okay babe? Ali: if shit gets too real, tell me and I'll come early Ali: my sis is cool now, she gets what we're doing, she was just confused Carly: aw Carly: youre sweet Carly: you told her you like me Ali: 'course I did Ali: I ain't ashamed Ali: I'm proud Carly: youre gonna make me cry Ali: You're special, Carly Ali: You're gonna see Carly: I just wanna see you tho Ali: Me too Ali: I'm gonna make her some chamomile tea and then I'm coming, yeah? Carly: but thats not fair to her Carly: she's not gonna be a fan of me Ali: I've promised her more time tomorrow Ali: You need me rn Carly: but what if i want you to stay Carly: what are we gonna do then Ali: i'll stay until you're ready for me to go Carly: you mean that? Ali: yes Ali: promise, imma take care of you Carly: but theres nothing in it for you Carly: youve already got me you dont have to Ali: i wanna keep you Ali: and not just selfishly Ali: you gotta stick around, you're too cool to go anywhere, okay Carly: k Carly: im here & if you wanna be im not stopping you Ali: good Ali: i wanna be wherever you are Carly: i kept you pills back the lads didnt want me to but idc about them & you can follow me in now Ali: fuck them Ali: just me and you Carly: yea Carly: ill look after you too Ali: 😇 Ali: i know, i trust you Carly: idk if you should Carly: but i like it Ali: willing to take my chances Ali: you're worth it Carly: thats you Ali: i'm so glad i met you Carly: me too Carly: not that i met me thats weird Carly: you know what i mean Ali: i got you Ali: not high yet 😉 Carly: id seen you around before you guardian angel'd me that night Carly: thats weird too Carly: that i didnt see you how i do now Ali: it is Ali: you were always cute but Ali: idk, i can't claim to have seen this in my crystal ball Carly: thats cuz i wasnt cute i was a state Carly: & youd have more likely seen me sucking ronans dick Carly: look away babe you dont need to have that image in your mind Ali: don't need him reckoning he plays part in any of my fantasies, nah Ali: you can't not be cute, no matter how you try, soz babe Carly: you can't not be so sweet to me can you Ali: dunno Ali: not tried Carly: idk what id do if you did Carly: i got used to it Ali: got no plans to stop Ali: unless you ask me to, like Carly: thats not gonna be what i ask you to do Carly: trust me Ali: you can tell me all about it Ali: 5 minutes, tops Carly: okay

sometimes the wild thing with depression is looking back and trying to figure out when it started and never really being able to draw a line for anything like "this was the earliest age it All Began(tm)," probably because there's not generally such an On-Off Switch type process to it. i know usually circa ten yrs old or later in the teens is usually what people point to but sometimes more of a period of exacerbation rather than origin, and who can say it's not also having the emotional and psychological capabilities and capacities that young children don't that bring a greater sense of perspective and awareness, idk anyways so i'm not sure if i was ever not-depressed or anything....i know i was always uncomfortable outside what was familiar and "shy" and i know that as soon as i was around other kids in a way more socially organized than running around together, namely preschool at 4 yrs old, i was aware of not feeling like i fit in and noticing i couldnt make friends like other people could. ive been good at bs-ing school from the start and happen to pick up things very quickly so even though i probably had the same habits as kids with the worst grades and had no particular ambitions re: academia (beyond avoiding parental wrath and later maintaining the identity that kinda protected me a bit in school) since i got really good grades and was quiet and pretty much just read in a corner when left to myself from kindergarten through middle school, i was probably considered a usually ideal student. i remember a couple of people who i felt i was genuinely friends with, a kid named michael who i think went to a different school after a couple of grades, and a kid named jacqueline in 2nd grade who was like me so quiet in retrospect i'm not sure if she knew much english but we played legos together and stuff but then we got in trouble for not paying attention during not even a lesson but i had to move seats b/c arbitrary Making An Example and since we were both so quiet we just didnt interact much anymore to avoid further attention. i made other friends technically but generally it took a long time to be comfortable with them and we were never close and in the meantime i dont think i ever much liked school. i remember one random sunday evening just getting upset about not wanting to go back the next day just because it was boring and meantime at home of course it sucked but i didnt quite realize it til i was older and it helped of course being young enough to be able to go outside for hours and be perfectly entertained playing in the dirt and trees and stuff. i read a lot at home too i remember having pretty skeptical thoughts about Life from earlyish on but, besides spending a crap ton of time just in my own head (reading, playing in dirt) i think i had ideas that life and the world was pretty amazing. like earlier on of course it was like "is magic real??" but then later its just stuff like reading in books about how kids had good friends and families and got to pursue their interests and do things and work out drama and have nice endings with a lot of hope for the future. for all i could tell the only thing keeping that from being my life was that i wasnt old enough, or probably i hoped that it was just a matter of time. it was less like i was extrapolating from my own limited observations of the worse aspects of life that life must be great and more like i was already noticing that my world was lacking and just hoping that it would grow out of it; not to mention being given the hint that stuff like abuse was my own fault and shortcomings i started getting more aware of being fed up with things / that they weren't inherently going to change around like late elementary school / middle school but it would take another year or two to really get the extent of it, and in the meantime by 14 or 15 at the latest i was consciously suicidal so like, moving fast there. i probably by that point had already caught on to the fact that my world had just been kind of shitty and that it wasnt going to change or seem better after a certain amount of time like i'd thought it would. and then add also having a better understanding of the rest of the world just by being older and getting more experience and realizing that its a lot more chaotic than initially taught to you and that being depressed and having developed few interests and zero ambitions and having antagonistic parents and very few friends doesnt do much to give you as much a cushion from that chaos as it could tangent: honestly i like programs that teach instructors how to recognize things that look like Behavior Issues as maybe more being signs of external issues. i wasnt the best at paying attention and i was often quiet in school whether in class or not and it mightve been a problem if i didnt get good grades but since i did i could just be in the background. i don't particularly resent this or anything because i know how teaching is and i myself didnt really understand i had serious problems at home until much later, but in retrospect i think i always had signs. i remember one particular incident when i was about 8 really shouldve been a bit of a warning sign. i know nobody can really do anything even if they know things are bad but considering i had to learn what abuse looked like by myself and i didnt feel supported by any adult and even when i knew what was going on when i was much older i still just didnt tell anyone in any position of authority because i had learned i had to protect myself by keeping personal things totally confidential and that if i exhibited any signs of struggling i would be blamed and chastised for it. wouldve been nice to at least be informed what was going on at an earlier time and maybe given some sense of confidence or at least a sense it wasn't completely my fault. turns out what gave me any ounce of confidence at all was being like 19 and being so blamed and maligned that it backfired and i started feeling like if i was as awful as i was made out to be then surely i didnt need to feel ashamed and responsible for everything that was being done to me. if i already deserved to be dead then what more could i bring on myself by daring to be so terrible as to feel i shouldnt be treated like i was! checkmate atheists anyhow, i feel like my Good Concepts About The World kind of evolved from "later on everyone has adventures" to "later on everyone goes to middle school / high school and makes friends and bonds with their family and follows their dreams" to something just more vaguely escapist with abstracted ideas about simply feeling comfortable and nice, with maybe general imagery, usually like summer sunsets or just some nice stars or something. i thought about it once and it made a lot of sense, thinking about stuff in terms of the concept of feeling ok and good things existing in the world and being able to sense it despite it also being at a distance or otherwise removed like dont get me wrong just because i wanna be dead i dont have some kind of notion that everyone else's experience of life is the same as mine i.e. that life and/or the world is inherently shit, i know its no more objectively bad than it is objectively good. i still like to think about the good side of all of it. i think its a total mistake to have the idea that if someone is suicidal or even just depressed that it necessarily has anything to do with what they think of the philosophy of the concept of Life, its more personal and immediate than that. honestly i hate all the advice about how you need to write a poem for your suicidal friend to teach them the magic of life or do some otherwise melodramatic bad y.a. novel shit that'll give them a New Perspective on the wonders of life literally overnight. not only is it always disgustingly patronizing and often counterproductively Tough Love-esque but also totally like unrelated to the root of the problem of "what if i'm worried about a friend making a suicide attempt." if you're personally wanting to do something i s2g literally just provide a distraction. talk about random shit or play online scrabble or go over and make midnight snacks, not like set a flower on fire while dropping a porcelain teapot on the floor and lecturing them about how this Doesnt Solve Any Problems or is a permanent solution to a temporary problem like no. just be a distraction jfc and dont insult anyone by generalizing their experience and guessing at what's probably an extremely complex and personal matter and turning it into empty clichés anyways: this was the longest way to get to the idea that isnt it wild when, like how you can Hear a sound in your head and despite recreating it decently its different from actually hearing it externally, you can sometimes remember what it was like to feel nice about the concept of life? i cant really summon earlier things but sometimes i can remember flashes of having those later sad-person-in-their-own-head moments of thinking of distant abstract concepts like seeing the sky as a medium for connection to the infinite experiences of humanity, and i can get like the equivalent of a visual image of a recreated feeling from back when i still had a few lingering overly-optimistic notions that things would be good soon. don't get me wrong, again im still aware of the good things in life and i still have good experiences and still feel good feelings. but i dont harbor expectations that the course of life must and will average itself out or lean towards improvement for any reason, like knowing that good things happening to you out of the blue is the same as how terrible things can happen for exactly the same reason—namely no reason at all. so i just dont have the same feelings i used to about my own personal life, and i dont feel the things i used to when i hoped it still could be Only A Matter Of Time. so its wild when for some reason i mentally stumble on the memory of having those feelings and theyre still recent enough that i get a moment of recreating the feeling like i do when i can picture something in my head, and its totally different and dissonant than what's currently true for me. it wasn't a more accurate perspective to think that life being bad meant it had to improve, but its obviously a nicer feeling. and it sounds like overused to the point of meaningless comparison but its like getting your head above water for a second in terms of the momentary contrast of sensation tldr its wild when you depressioning 24/7 and dead inside and have an instant of remembering What It Was Like To Feel Things