#maybe i try one problem rn
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#i cant tell if i should spend the rest of the day working on my 10 page paper thing due tomorrow tonight technically but extension#or start the practice exam for my exam thursday which only has office hours today and tomorrow morning#askjfnbldfishfgoiqruhgioqjakldjg#and im fucking wasting time being indecisive lmfao#if i go to office hours today i'd have to work on practice exam like rn#actually maybe i'll fngjdkfngkdbgkhf#do that and then just grind paper tonight#but also idk if that would make it so i dont rly have reason to go to office hours tmr morning#idk lol like i dont need to go but i feel like i should go and get something out of it bc i probably/definitely need to#i just dont know my questions or anything yet bc i haven't done it#either way i'd have to like#HMMMMM i rly dont know lmfao fjngfjgbdhjblsfhgluwdhgs#maybe i try one problem rn#i will not be able to do it TT but it's fine#jeanne talks#also been debating if i should get coffee and being indecisive bc i got coffee yesterday lmfao#it's a treat for finishing my first exam????? idk jnfdhkbdjfbhksdjf#dude make a fucking decision lmfao#i'm gonna work on stats ;-; and not know how to do any of it lol
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The feeling when you want to make your own fantasy world and you've tried so hard you've gotten to the point where you have no idea what you want
#galaxy rambles#im genuinely stuck asf rn#i want a fantasy world with dragons#but do I include the humans?#i want to because Galaxy's whole thing is being a Dragonshifter#but at the same time I'm having the worst time trying to connect to human OCs#and develop the human culture because there's nothing keeping me interested#but at the same time idk what I want because no matter what I think of it doesn't work#so im stuck in this “i dont know wtf i want” state because im not getting attached to ANYTHING#no matter how many things I add into it that I like#which has been my problem with fantasy worlds since the beginning#EVERY. ONE. I. MAKE.#no matter how interesting or complex I try and make it I lose attachment#writers please help me- 😭#maybe im too self aware#writer asks#writer problems#writers on tumblr#writers#worldbuilding#worldbuilding help#why is it so easy to get connected to everyone else's human characters#but when I do it I can't get anything#?????
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im like tamftgebka (thinking about maia from ‘the goblin emperor’ by katherine addison)
#mine#original#the goblin emperor#maia i would die for u i would kill for u#u would not BELIEVE this problems this drawing gave me. outstanding#i actually did a whole other drawing. maia and th little people are taken from that drawing i had to frankenstein them#the like. idea is the same kinda but the other comp was bad. like if i draw and i dont have a colour palette in mind i just draw for that#comp to work in black and white. and then if i try to put colour on top it like always looks awful. why do i do that.#anyway. here he is. im pretty happy w it th colours arent exactly what i wanted but thats fine svbkdbgvd#my mum is away this week im playing house and having a good time#i got!!!! more isopods!!! ik i said i would post pics n of my magic potions and didnt but thats bc theyre very small and shy rn skjlf bless#i got more armadillium vulgare but a gem mix theyre so pretty!!! n one of them is like absolutely huge. enormous.#however th seller was very stupid th packaging for their postage was rlly bad n th ventilation holes were too big n they didnt pack th#tupperware tight enough so loads of babies fell out n died :(((((((((( i sent her a message like. maybe dont do this n she was like oh sorry#n was like this has never happened before but im like. ur stupid. why did u use such a big box all u had 2 do was put more moss in.#they were rlly dry as well theyve spent all day hanging out in th damp moss. poor babies. theyre absolutely destroying some cuttlefish rn#so i think theyre fine <3
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spending my whole life trying and trying and trying and trying to be good enough for people who don't give a fuck about me
#im so tired living seems pointless why am i doing this what is the reason#the firm i work at is going thru a merger so it's releasing all the interns except 2#i went into her office and said that id like to stay here bc my dad said so bc i got in cause he was friends with the head#and she said ill think about it based on performance ive not decided yet#and this other guy he went in to tell her that cool he'll leave and she told him that she was hoping that he'd stay#he literally does nothing but play games on his phone he doesn't work at all#i have no idea what he has that i don't#but just. im stuck like this forever right never ever good enough for people i like or care about#not for parents they have a diff fav child not for ex gf not for bestie who has a boyfriend much better at loving her than me#not for that one guy who rejected me in interview bc i don't read the newspaper and didn't know the date of the finance act#im so fucking sick of this i never even wanted to this fuckinh course and obviously even my best isn't enough and ofc im not good enough#for anyone in this field and ill just struggle and struggle and struggle all my life just to earn some fucking money so i can live away#from my sociopathic parents#and the worst part is that i can't stop feeling like maybe it IS me yk maybe i am the problem maybe im not trying hard enough#but how else am i supposed to handle this i prioritize my studies and lose all my friends i prioritise my friends and fail in d#exams#and the trauma keeps on coming every fucking day bc sociopathic parents but i jsut push it down and say not rn i will cry at night anx then#never cry#i wish someone would just tell me that idk you're wrong you're not made for this you really do have some mental illness and you're really#trying your best and do something that's easy and that you love doing#oh god this is now a ventpost#mes
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Just created an entire ass Meronia AU from listening to another Hazbin Hotel song like damn these bitches are like music muse CRACK wtf is happening to me rn
#death note#meronia#i have a problem#still not over the fact that adam is apparently the same guy that voiced english dub light yagami either tbh#they sound NOTHING alike except for in solo clips#hazbin hotel#i may or may bot expand on this#bees in my brain but i am also incredibly fucking busy rn you have no idea#maybe this is less of the songs and more of my brain trying to cope lnao#grim rants#also mildly based on one of my beyond headcanons bc that's what i used when originally listening to the song#and then i got PLOT ideas and oriented in DETAIL and now i have another whole ass AU#i want mello to yell at old men is that too much to ask without getting sucked into another story idea 😭😭😭
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Prior to V3C11: Heroes and Monsters, are there any signs that Blake was abused? How well do you think her abuse arc as a whole is handled?
#rwde#doing more research for the essay rn and trying to see any signs in early volumes blake#maybe one of yall see smth im not#im trying to do right on this so i might ask some of yall to look over the script#its gonna be a p big whopper tho. this thing keeps expanding into territories i hadnt thought it would#mostly bc a lot of rwbys problems are incredibly intertwined and exasperate one another#and its difficult to talk abt any one aspect without mentioning how it ripples out to the rest of the story world and characters#like. this was supposed to be only abt why people continue to talk abt adam despite him being a bad character and dead for several years#but you cant talk abt adam wo bringing up blake bc theyre two sides of the activist coin#which means you need to touch on the abuse plot#and you cant talk abt either wo bringing up the white fang. meaning you need to talk abt the racism in Remnant and how its portrayed#and that leads into the writers own views and personal politics and how theyve encouraged the worst of their fans to indulge in aggression#its a never ending rabbit hole#and i am but a little blonde girl drinking potions and eating cake as i explore this strange poorly constructed world
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i dont wanna be a dick and act like i have no responsibility in this but after a point dont u think if all you ever say to ur friend is Omg you never make it out why dont you ever come out with us you bail all the time youre such a flake etc. dont u think that person (me) is like. not gonna feel so inclined to. be there
#like. yeah i was bad last semester i get it. and probably i shouldve tried at least once or twice to push thru#but i was so exhausted. and every time they would bring up hanging out it was on my longest days#and when i casually brought this up they were just like Well we have long days too. Okay!#and i love and miss these friends and i know for the most part. or at least think. theyre just teasing#i hate being seen as the flake like any time i do have to be like Oh i cant make that or Shit im sorry i have to bail#i try to offer an alternative???? and they never compromise on that. how is that fair like im not just outright rejecting u all the time#not to mention most of the time last semester it was always gonna be somewhere super easy for them to get home and far from me#im not like constantly holding this against them btw but i feel like they're holding it against me and i dont have any more apologies in me#anyway. that said. if theyre somewhere really expensive and far from me tn and i get out of work early#i. probably will not make it. lol! if theyd be willing to come a little closer to my place to one of the dives or some shit thatd be great#and like im not doing much today until class and work so really like. i WILL try. but i think they could sometimes not go for the most#expensive and inconvenient option as well. and these r all things ill say if it becomes like a problem problem or smth#but rn im not gonna be a dickhead and shit on their plans#but also! ok whatever im not gonna keep going on i just feel shitty im not 100% better from being sick and im just frustrated#about having to fuckign grovel over and over and over. i meant it the first few times now im just like#u could try not to be an asshole to me for five seconds too. like. i am very clearly not someone trying to secretly stop being friends#w yall. things happen#abby talks#and maybe this is an esp sore spot bc like ive certainly had some of you bail on me or be flaky or whatever before. and i didnt throw#a fucking fit to your face about it. probably bc it actually did feel more mean spirited sometimes#OK im sorry im not trying to make my friends sound evil and its mostly just the one and like im working on forgiving her for it cause it#was years ago but also like christ!
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i gotta be real, i absolutely hate being texted on my days off lmao like unless we’ve made plans to go out or something, leave me the fuck aloneeee
#it’s even worse when they’re trying to trauma dump like omfg#i don’t have the mental energy to deal with your problems on top of my own like i’m sorry but#i’m never gonna be that bitch#go to a different friend or get a therapist or smthn i am NEVER in a good headspace for that#apple babble 🍎#non fandom#also it’s just goddamn rude to assume someone’s automatically ok with you trauma dumping fr#like i need ppl to understand that they’re not the only ones on earth who are going thru shit#at least ask if it’s okay???#delete later#maybe bc it’s a little spicy lmao#sorry but i’m fucking exhausted man like i’m having the longest year of my week rn#and i just cannot be people’s soundboard atm
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(playing hlm2) damn i forgot how much i fucking hate this game
#JOKING obviously but#man dead ahead on hard mode fucking blows#dead ahead in general fucking blows but half ammo capacity is killing my ass rn#but also. i want the S rank. so i'm gonna get the S rank. eventually. sigh#i might start skipping around honestly bc there r some hard lvls later on too but like. i could just start picking off the easier ones#this is technically my full 2 replay tho so i Wanted to try and go in order#idk we'll see#maybe i just need to rebuild the muscle memory; it's my first time opening the game in a few weeks#problem for later archie. i am going to bed. gn 👍🏼#the trash speaks
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its not serious Ur not serious ab it An ur motives r stupid n hold no real life value
#been feelin sorta stupid lately#havent been sleeping well#feel empty . wanna try sm new . not motivated#cant create how i wanna . cant create what i have to . feels stale#think i mighr prove myself as an idiot before ever getting anyones faith in me in the first place#think i might just be a really smart idiot#jus bcuz i have big boy thoughts doesnt mwan im smart . maybe it just means everyone else is stupid for listening#i like feeling smart but i think im overselling myself#managed to fool myself too#m scatterbrained#m not nearly as bad as i was#im fine now . just stagnant#cant get anything done . not that i could then either#i dont even remember what it was like then#probably for the best#idealizing something i cant recall . i dont even have evidence of the worst of it#dont even know what went wrong to be honest#never got told directly . i never get told directly#always have to guess or find out some other offhand way#complaining about too much rn#mm#dont know whay my problem is#n no one else can figure it out for me#well maybe someone can#takes a while#and a lotta effort#gggghhhh#ok#m done
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I am trying so hard but it still isn't ENOUGH FOR YOU? DON'T YOU SEE HOW HARD I'VE BEEN TRYING?
#mine#normally i've been good about not being too upset over things#but oh fucking boy. okay. im glad people are scared of me#i hope they know that im the only right one in the whole world and they are wrong and are justified for fearing me and im glad my existence#will turn them off from sharing their wrong opinions. but oh FUCKING BOY? ive been sitting here the whole time like oh they hate me#oh they hate me so much they want me to die wahhh and im trying to do all the things they like because im for some reason fucking bothered#by their other opinions. even though the people themselves are useless trash#and oh. like i was suspecting it but its finally confirmed huh??? you all cant fucking stand the sight of me because im right?#you dont understand the truth?? they hated him because he told them the truth? thats me as fuck rn dude#i am literally gracing your eyes with the content i make and basically hand feeding you the correct opinions to have#and yet you still reject them! people just love being stupid unfortunately. i want to kill them all.#i would be so much nicer if you all just agreed with me on the objective truth but unfortunate you have to be stupid#i have graced you with so many GIFTS and protected you from my wrath so many times but you do not even give a fuck#WHY AM I CRYING. YOU ARE ALL SO USELESS WHY AM I CRYING!!! MAYBE ITS BECAUSE YOU DONT AGREE?#i guess im crying because they are all so stupid#so what im saying is its very unfortunate that everyone does not worship me and all my opinions and the world is very hard. yes.#friendship ended with self hatred now delusions of grandeur are my new best friend#even trhing to explain myself makes me sound like a shithead but i swear to fuck if you all just listened to me like youre supposed to#then absolutely nothing would ever go wrong! but you all had to be stupid on purpose! do you like being wrong? whats your problem#explaining all the reasons im RIGHT and yet i still feel bad for having the gall to do so. i shouldnt feel bad. im doing great. youre just#uncomfortable in the fact that YOURE wrong and making me have to accomodate you for your wrongness? tf is that about#okay lunatic rant over i have finished crying ☝️
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I wish i could skip forward to December 23 already
#i cannot stand my own whining but god i hate my life rn lol#i mean it's all my fault but i don't see myself improving in this environment#i should just try to ignore myself for the next 3 weeks#i can start packing up and throwing away stuff i won't need here anymore and maybe I'll feel less stifled#idk#just get through it i guess#this weekend I'll be away one last time and then there's only 2 weekends left#then it's essentially only 2 more weeks because the last week doesn't even count#finals start in 2 weeks already so i should be occupied#i still haven't even started my paper i already asked for an extension for and should hand in in November#instead of October#i just need to start focusing on anything but food intake and exercise and my body and I'll be fine#the days only seem to go by so slow suddenly because i'm literally not doing anything but hate my current state#so tomorrow I'll work on my paper and go running or take a walk and I'll book my bus tickets for the weekend#I'll find some enjoyment in occupying my mind with anything but myself#(sounds wrong. but i guess my problem really is that I'm focusing too much on how i dislike everything about me and need to change it#while the solution would be to simply not care and live my sad little life)#void screams#(((affirmation: i will not cry myself to sleep tonight ♡ i will face another day without a mental breakdown over how Wrong i am ♡))
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to this day people still say the stupidest shit ever about connor. like I swear they played the game on mute and w their eyes closed. absolutely zero critical thinking on why this character is like that and why they made these choices. also? not every assassin has to be charming and witty, it would actually just get very tiring, and I'm very glad they never pulled that with connor. he still remains one of the best and I'll die on this hill.
#im watching a stream of ac3 rn and its really hard to not get annoyed w the chat theyre so unfunny#I don't trust people who don't like or try to understand connor or desmond im over entertaining these clowns#but yeah this rant is brought to you by this one dude on the chat that said connor is the most uncharismatic assassin#so what? just bc he isnt like ezio or edward doesn't mean he doesn't have his own charms or isnt a good character?#maybe its just me. but there hasn't been a single ac game where i didn't like the protagonist#so whenever i see people say they didn't like xyz bc they acted a certain way. im just thinking. yeah. that's the point#i see this w jacob a lot. ppl say he was immature and caused problems. like yeah. hes supposed to be. do people know how characters work#anyway im too tired to continue but the points are there#six speaks#edit: stream ended and the chat boiled my blood fr. 'boohoo desmond died' what if i punched u in the face real hard#its not about desmond. i wouldve accepted his death if it actually made sense and meant something for the plot. but his death meant nothing#ubsoft sacrificed everything for something more soulless and profitable and its so frustrating and sad.#but the ac incels cant even comprehend good writing for a second so of course they don't care and don't realize killing desmond killed ac
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edit: i ended up just ranting abt like the current vibe™ in the tags... sorry abt that but like also whatever i don't care anymore
#d#my food therapist really said the most real thing on planet earth when she said i'm meeting me at the same time everyone else is#i feel like a cringey overzealous emotionally dumb teenager who's a total embarrassment to everyone around me while i'm trying 2 say fuck i#cuz like this is the first time in my entire life i feel like i get to actually explore my identity and do like normal young people things#and i feel just. so so exposed in the sense that everyone is watching me make a fool of myself without a single shred of self-awareness#and it makes me so fucking mad cuz like i'm finally happy with myself!! i'm finally starting to feel like a fully formed person#instead of a 2d projection or an object or something monstrous hiding in the shadows because that's how i've spent until now imo#and like. it's hard to emotionally make peace with the fact things in my social life are changing because like. there's some part of me#that thinks that maybe if i stayed in that miserable place that maybe i wouldn't have any of the problems i have now#and like my life is a lot better. and i know that and i wouldn't change a thing. but like emotionally i guess i'm just#processing it as a fault of mine to have changed bc it's changing my relationships to others#and this isn't about any one specific thing like i've been having lots of small growing pains with a lot of ppl in my life rn i just am lik#there's a lot happening to me rn emotionally so i feel like everything i do is a fuckup and i'm just bracing for more people to go ig#which might happen or it might not and tbh either is ok at this point. i need to do this in order to live i think#idk why i'm even rambling about this i just have a lot of thoughts and i want to share them i guess. not like it does anything but like#what else is this app for at this point lmfao i barely even want to talk on here anymore because i feel like everything i say on here is#just pointless. i'm thankful i have a strong support system rn cuz genuinely i don't know what i'd do if i didn't like#i feel like everything is so much more emotionally Big to me on E and it's kind of hard trying to figure out how to manage it#like i'm basically finally getting to be me. for worse AND for better. and i just am like. insecure on some level i guess#not even over my appearance tbh i've kinda made peace with that. moreso my personality and what things i share with others#this whole post is so wholly unnecessary but i feel like i'm going to go insane if i don't get this out of my head#i've genuinely been avoiding talking about my emotions or my private life on here because i don't exactly feel safe on here anymore#which is like great. love it when my primary outlet for like. socially interacting with people casually gets compromised i love it#i literally softblocked like 30 ppl off of here so i could talk abt my weird sex stuff and my body and my deeper thoughts with ppl i trust#and then i still am too conscious about it! this always happens when i make a blog for myself to talk on#maybe i'm just not meant for talking abt things
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i have been ruthless today getting rid of books
#i put as many as i could carry in the little free library and i have a stack to take to different ones maybe tomorrow or monday#plus a crate of signed books i think i might try to sell over the summer#<- unsure how long it will take and ive only got like 2 weeks until im gone for 5 months across the ocean so. not worth trying rn#i have this problem where im sometimes like. i paid full price and didnt HATE it so i can't give it away#but like. im not going to read it again. and i can put it in the little free library and maybe bring someone else joy . so why not.#also i have a little bit of empty space on my bookshelf now. yay!:)#talkin
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I should have driven home myself
#father has informed me that everyone actually has to work 40 hours a week and i can't live off of 20#very cool thanks i didn't know this before#said he didn't understand what my problem was. told me to get therapy. as if i hadn't tried#told me to stop clacking my fisget cube#actually maybe i don't want to live maybe i want to die#'do you want to take pills for all your life?' idk man if they make me want to not kill myself MAYBE SO#i'm biting every single neurotypical person ever rn#he also helpfully reminded me that no one want to hire someone who will be unreliable due to mental health#so i guess i'll just be homeless and die then#i guess i should just try harder to be normal and healthy and work 40 stupid hours every week of my useless miserable life#cani get a lobotomy somewhere is the question#maybe then i could be fucking normal#just cut out the diseased lart of my brain and send me off to work ten hour shifts in the fucking salt mines#anyway. i'm a useless member of society and i deserve to die in the streets is what i'm hearing#thanks i wasn't thinking this myself already at all#vent
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