#may goes ham | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

luveline · 10 months

Note

Hi there! I hope your day’s been going well :)

Could you maybe write something with Spencer where Reader faints? Feel free to ignore this if you’re not up for it!!

thank u for ur request! fem!reader, 1.6k

"It's so hot," you say, startled. The lobby of the hotel had been blissfully air-conditioned. The difference hits you immediately.

"Don't worry about blazers or professional attire," Hotch says, though he quickly amends, "within reason."

You take off your jacket and follow the herd of the BAU into the black SUVs. The SUVs are even hotter than the outdoors, blistering ovens of heat that have you feeling nauseous instantaneously. Spencer rubs your arm with the back of his hand swiftly —it's a friendly touch to say he's here, but it's quick to prevent any unnecessary added heat.

It's August in Texas, 107 degrees Fahrenheit. Emily smells distinctly of sunscreen from the front passenger seat. Derek, behind the wheel, looks hot around the collar. Spencer looks as though he wishes he'd had a haircut before he came, chin length curls tucked tight behind his ears.

Despite this, none of them complain beyond the general whine every now and then. You try very hard to shut up and focus on the case with them, but as the day goes on, bumping you from hot car to hot crime scene (with all inclusive smells of gore!), you feel wobbly on your feet.

"Spence?" you ask, sitting in a hard-backed chair in the police precinct.

"Yeah?" He doesn't look away from the geographical profile he's building. You're supposed to be helping, but your notes are half-hearted, likely useless. "What?"

"Do you have any water?"

He pushes a pin into the left of the map and grabs a ruler. "No, sorry. There's a staff room by the bullpen, the secretary said to help ourselves. Actually, she said to 'go ham.'"

"Okay. I'll be right back. And I'll be more helpful."

"You're plenty helpful," he murmurs, leaning down to follow the line of his rules with a pencil.

You don't feel helpful, you feel awful. Head heavy, eyes aching, every step sends a jolt through your teeth and jaw, your skull like a mashed potato. You know you're a poor sight with sweat wetting your hair and a crawling sensation between your legs and the fabric of your pants.

Letting yourself into the staff room, you're unsurprised to find a bone dry water cooler and a crate of water bottles with only one remaining. Spencer needs a drink too, and he has a thing about germs. You frown at the water bottle as though that might duplicate it, but when it doesn't, you're forced to take it and put it under your arm. You look around for a mug to at least have some tap water no matter how ill-advised that may be. They're all dirtied in the sink and on tables. Fuck.

Spencer is super, super lovely to you. You wonder sometimes if he might ask you out, or at least want to, but most of the time you're sure it's just a little extra friendliness because he knows how it feels to be the youngest on the team, how patronised or lonely it gets. And the weight of trying to prove yourself every mission, it's almost as heavy as your head.

"Hey," Spencer says as you open the conference room door. "I think I've worked something out. Could you call Garcia for me? I've got dry-erase marker on my hands."

"Got this for you," you say, offering him the bottle. He takes it without looking.

"Thanks. Are you feeling any better? I know you can be sensitive to the heat."

"Maybe we can get portable fans on the FBI budget next year," you say wistfully, pushing a chair in at the table. You lean on it to grab the phone in the middle of a sea of papers and cases and jackets, black spots popping up in your vision. "My head's rushing."

"Hey, guys," Emily says, sounding strangely chipper as she and Hotch trudge in. Her hair is in a tight ponytail away from her face.

You try to greet them and end up hanging your head.

"Y/N," Spencer chokes, alarmed.

You slump forward over the chair, desperate to keep your footing and failing. Your shin knocks into the chair and your hands grasp at the top of it, but you can't hold yourself up any longer, knocking your face into the chair as you collapse. A cheap tent in a strong breeze, you fall with little more than a weak sigh.

You're hurting a lot when you come to, blinking like your lashes have been brushed with glue. The lights have been turned off, and a blissful chill soaks your hairline. Someone presses a water bottle to your lips and lifts your head. You drink half the contents in three gulps and get laid down again with the utmost care.

"She's coming around," Hotch says.

Your neck aches propped over a leg. Two deft hands hold your head still.

"Don't move too much," Spencer says, his voice odd. You blink as his face moves into view upside down. "An EMT is on the way, okay? You passed out."

You can't find your voice. Spencer strokes your cheek with his thumb, says, "Hey, can you hear me? Let's hear your voice. Talk to me."

"You don't sound like yourself," you say hoarsely, each word tenuous. You wince at the bruising heat that radiates from your nose with each word.

"I'm worried about you," Spencer admits. "It makes it hard to stay objective."

"No, you sound funny."

"I'm worried," he repeats. His smile is strained.

"She's okay," Hotch says.

You realise Emily's got your hand in hers when she squeezes it. "Have you had anything to drink today?" she asks you, fondly incredulous.

"No, she hasn't, and I didn't say anything about it. I'm an idiot. I'm so sorry, Y/N," Spencer says.

"Y/N's responsible for her own preservation, Reid. And it's been a tough case, with the heat. Let's not blame anyone for anything." You press your chin to your chest to see Hotch's anxious frown. "We will be having a discussion about this later."

You turn your face into Spencer's thigh. "Oh."

"Don't close your eyes," Hotch says. He employs a firm, boss-like tone that has you rushing to follow orders. "You hit your head."

"I don't feel well," you complain, wanting to close your eyes.

"Considering your behaviour," Spencer says, one of his hands trailing down your face, neck, and collar, where he rests it genially, "you likely have a mild to moderate concussion. And you're dehydrated, so you'll be feeling the effects more severely."

"Why haven't you been drinking?" Emily asks.

"I just…" You blink sluggishly. "I don't know… We don't take anything that isn't coffee with us places and…" You lean your cheek into Spencer's hand, not quite connecting that it's his hand, or that you're laying on the precinct floor. "They only had one bottle in the staff room."

"Why didn't you drink it?" Spencer asks softly.

"I knew you hadn't had anything to drink, either."

"We could've shared," he says, sounding genuinely confused.

"You don't like sharing stuff like that. Germs."

Spencer's voice is barely above a whisper, "I wouldn't care about your germs, Y/N. They're your germs."

You don't have time to ask him what he means, but you've ample time to think about it on loop when the EMT arrives. He props you up, checking you over thoroughly, shining a light in your eyes and deeming you concussed.

"You don't have to see a doctor," the EMT advises. "But we're happy to take you to the hospital if that's what you want."

"Yes," Spencer says, as you say, "No."

Spencer puts a hand on your shoulder blade. It is an extremely forward move on his part, so unlike him that you recognise how odd it is despite your foggy mind. "She should go."

"She fainted, Spencer," Emily says.

"Exactly! So she should go to the hospital and–"

"I didn't break anything," you say, waving a shaky hand at the small but concerned crowd of people you've attracted.

"Luckily," the EMT says. "Drink plenty of water and take it easy. Don't be afraid to call again if you feel worse."

Hotch walks the EMT out, needing to take a phone call. Emily goes with him, promising to return with a dry shirt for you to wear now that yours has been soaked at the collar by the water they'd been cooling you down with while you were unconscious.

Spencer settles practically knee to knee with you in two of the uncomfortable chairs, his assessing gaze frankly perturbing.

"You'd share germs with me?" you ask.

Spencer's hand leaps across the gap to yours where it rests on your knee. His eyes, brown and sweet, have all the light of a blinding smile as his lips quirk into something more sheepish. "If it stopped you from fainting, yeah. And even if it didn't, I'd be stupid to care about germs when I…"

You breathe out slowly. "When you what?"

"Well," he says, looking down at your hands. "I guess I just wouldn't mind your germs, that's all."

If he's saying what you think he's saying, he's doing it in the most Spencer Reid way possible. Concussed, your charisma fails you. You've no wit to tease him with.

You fold your hand around his. "Thanks for catching me," you say gently.

He squeezes your fingers clumsily. "You're welcome. But it was actually mostly Emily."

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x fem!reader #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid oneshot #spencer reid scenario #spencer reid drabble #spencer reid fic #spencer reid fanfiction #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds #criminal minds fic #criminal minds x reader

6K notes · View notes

starstruckmiraclekitty · 1 year

Note

UR...SMUT...IS...AMAZING... COULD YOU DO headcans of 141 and Kõnig and their fave sex positions? Thanks!

Hehe, thank you! I'm not super confident with it, but I appreciate all the support and compliments!🩷🩵

Added a little extra to this one!!! Did a general hc!

141 + König Favorite Sex Positions/ How They Enjoy Sex

Warnings: sexual references, swearing

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Simon Ghost Riley-

MISSIONARY!!!!!!!

Simon's not a particularly rough lover, especially given his traumatic past, so to him, there's nothing better than being on top of you and taking this slow

That's not to say this man doesn't go HAM on you sometimes. If he gets horny enough, or stressed enough, this man will POUND you into the mattress

Huge fan of eye contact during missionary, too

He doesn't get too experimental, but he'll try just about anything if you ask

He's a giver 100% and loves to go down on you

He'll very rarely ask you to go down on him, but won't ever say no if you offer

He's primarily the dominant partner in bed but will let you take control every so often

Takes sex seriously, and before you, I honestly don't think he was one to just sleep around

NOT a fan of quickies. Liles to draw the pleasure out for both of you for as long as he can

Gets HORRIBLY embarrassed if he cums too quick if it's been awhile since you two had sex, and will make it up to you 10 times over

König-

YOU ON TOP!!!!!!!

König is very conscious about his size and has fears he may crush you in bed, so he prefers if you're on top

If you get too tired, or don't want to be on top, he'll pull you to the edge of the bed while you're on your back, so he can fuck you while he's standing

Took you two while to have sex for the first time, I stan this man was a virgin before you, and he was very nervous

If he's feeling particularly kinky, he'll carry you so your legs wrap around his waist, while he fucks up into you (preferably in the shower)

Man has a raging size kink

LOVES giving and receiving oral. Let's just say he's very skilled with his mouth

You are the dom in bed. Again Königs always worried he'll crush you, so you have to take the lead

Constantly reassures you that you're doing well, that you're beautiful, and that he loves you

Makes you feel so good about yourself, both in physical and emotion ways

Man will NOT let himself cum until you do first. And if he happens to cum before you, he'll apologize profusely

Johnny Soap MacTavish-

Literally any position, just please fuck this man

If he HAD to choose, mating press is probably his favorite

LOVES the way you feel, squeezing around his cock while he's pushing your legs against your head

Is totally up for trying new positions. In fact, he probably looks some up in his free time that he wants to try

Also, it isn't opposed to toys. He prefers to get you off on his own, but he won't protest if you want to add in something extra

If he ever goes down on you, it's with you sitting on his face. He loves being suffocated by you

One of his kinks is role-playing, and if it's something you're into as well? Oh boy

Be prepared to laugh during sex with him. He doesn't take it too seriously and just wants to have fun with it

When he does take sex seriously, it's usually a very loving affair. He'll be overly gentle as he whispers sweet words in your ears

Overall, he's a very fun partner to have in bed. Sex is never, ever dull with him

John Price-

Doggy. Doggy. Doggy. Doggy.

Drives him fucking wild

Also thoroughly enjoys shower sex

He's such an ass man, so it's the best angle for him to get the perfect view of your ass while simultaneously pounding into you

If you have longer hair, this man will definitely be using his hand as a makeshift ponytail to yank on while he fucks you

Isn't opposed to you being on top, and he won't last long if you do reverse cowgirl. Again, this man is an ASS man

Raging Daddy Kink (obviously)

Honestly? He's a mean dom, but will never go far enough to where it truly hurts you

Handcuffs, blindfolds, whips- this man is here for all of it

This man will RARELY let you take the lead. He's a man of control and likes to show that in the bedroom outside?

100% will make you beg him to let you cum

Loves, loves to spank you. Drives him feral when he sees his hand prints on your ass cheeks

Will most definitely take it slow if you ask, man has a wicked romantic side

Kyle Gaz Garrick-

Truly believe this man "makes love", and doesn't "fuck", at least not habitually

He LOVES having sex with you when you're both in bed, laying on your sides

Enjoys leaving love bites all over your neck and chest. Likes to know you're marked as his

He's fairly "vanilla" in bed, he just doesn't understand the appeal of all the toys and "extra stuff"

But he NEVER leaves you feeling unsatisfied

He will work for hours to get you to cum if that's what it takes

100% a soft dom. Doesn't like making you do any work unless you absolutely want to

He's not necessarily opposed to trying new stuff out, he just gets nervous

Firm believer that your first time with him, was on a bed covered in rose petals, he wanted your first time with him to be special

Like the others though, if you ask this man to fuck you senseless, he would, but not often

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Am I writing too much smut? Feel like I should be throwing some fluff in here🤣🫡

Also, I wanted to note again that I'm doing my very best to keep all of these GN, unless gender is specifically stated in ask! If I slip up anywhere, please don't hesitate to tell me!!🙂🩷

5K notes · View notes

mrsurahara · 1 month

Text

𝗕𝗘𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗢𝗕𝗦𝗘𝗦𝗦𝗘𝗗 𝗪𝗜𝗧𝗛 𝗔𝗕𝗕𝗬'𝗦 𝗛𝗔𝗡𝗗𝗦 𝗛𝗖'𝗦┊𝗔. 𝗔𝗡𝗗𝗘𝗥𝗦𝗢𝗡

ఌ︎. p. abby anderson x f!reader // g. fluff + smut

ఌ︎. cw. NSFW (MDNI. i will block you); Abby uses a strap on reader; choking; mentions of bruises; pussy eating, tribbing/scissoring; cute shit — let me know if i missed anything!

ఌ︎. wc. 0.9k

𝗠𝗔𝗦𝗧𝗘𝗥𝗟𝗜𝗦𝗧

✉ i can just imagine being completely obsessed with abby’s hands. holding them, massaging her fingers, softly running the tips of your fingers over the calluses she’s developed from weight lifting, kissing the pads of her fingers, and cracking her knuckles.

✉ i can also see abby being the type to get matching nail art with you. i don’t care if you are an xxl acrylic wearer or you get simple gel manicures, abby would definitely get something to match.

✉ playing with the rings on abby’s fingers. whether, it’s because you're anxious or just need something to fidget with, she won’t mind because even the simplest touch from you is always welcomed. stealing abby’s rings even though her fingers may be bigger than yours so they don’t fit. “i bought you this,” she runs the pad of her thumb over the lab-grown pandora promise ring she got you for your birthday, “and you’re still stealing mine,” she shook her head with a light laugh.

✉ when you’re taking a nap while abby is studying or working and subconsciously reach out for her hand. yeah, typing with one hand is a little more difficult, but she totally thinks it’s worth it.

✉ abby sweetly caressing your face when you kiss. it doesn’t matter if it’s a short kiss before the two of you part or a hungry kiss full of pants and sexual tension, abby’s hands always find their way to your face.

✉ having an oral fixation when it comes to this woman’s hands is a given, methinks. playfully biting her hands, nipping at her fingertips when she feeds you something. licking the pad of her finger when she wipes sauce from the corner of your mouth. it started off as a joke. she had wiped some pasta sauce from the corner of your mouth and pressed her thumb against your lips encouraging you to lick the red substance off her finger. things escalated rather quickly after that.

✉ abby pushing her thumb past the swell of your plump lips, making sure to press down on your tongue. sticking her fingers that are slick with your wetness down your throat until you gag and tears begin to well in your eyes.

✉ your back to her chest, her legs holding yours wide open. one of her veiny hands holding your lips open as the other one alternates between your sopping hole and rubbing your clit. making you cum over and over again as you maintain eye contact. once you’re thoroughly fucked, she’s taked her pruned middle and ring fingers and make you lick up the mess you made all over her hands.

✉ abby forcing your mouth open, pointer and middle finger on either side of your tongue; the mixture of her spit and your cum rolls off the tip of her tongue onto yours.

✉ i like to think abby, wears her strap + harness when the two of you go out to tease the hell out of you. she’d make you sit on her lap and grind her hips into your ass making you warm with arousal. she’d pull you away at a function because she can’t go another second without touching you. her calluses feel so good on your face when she covers your mouth and she strokes the silicone piece in and out of your tight, wet cunt. “can’t have everyone hearing how pretty my girl sounds, now can i?” she whispered in your ear as she bent you even further over the vanity in the bathroom she pulled you into.

✉ OH. EM. GEE. abby wrapping your hair around her fist tightly as she pounds into you >>>>. maybe she hasn't been able to pull your hair the way you like because your scalp is sensitive from getting your hair done, so when the tension loosens she goes ham.

✉ abby’s hands around your throat. whether you’re in missionary holding the most sensual eye contact or she’s fucking your from behind like a whore, the blonde’s hands always find their way around your throat. “all you have to do is cum on my cock, princess and i’ll let you breathe.”

✉ abby holding your hands. holding them above your head, both wrists trapped in the clutch of her strong hand. lacing your fingers together as she grinds her soaked cunt on yours.

✉ the tips of her fingers leaving bruises on your hips and thighs. even if they don’t visibly bruise, you can still feel the imprint under your skin buried in the muscle from where she held onto you tightly.

✉ abby’s hand finding the back of your head as she stands over you, pushing your face into her wetness. the metal of her rings digging into your scalp as she grinds her pussy onto your awaiting tongue. her sweet caresses as she swipes the cum from your face and licks it off, tasting herself. “you always look so pretty when you let me use your mouth,”

✉ when abby’s on top, grinding her pussy against yours and finally reaches her climax. she’d continue moving her hips, despite the overstimulation to make sure she doesn’t waste a drop, she’d take her fingers and fuck her release into you until you cum one last time.

✉ abby who will dive between your legs, licking at your mixed essence. she’ll take her index and middle fingers and pry your mouth open, resting the two fingers on either side of your tongue. her saliva mixed with your shared juices would land on your tongue and like the good girl you are, you swallow happily, making the corners of her pink lips lift into that smile you adore.

a/n: ... heeeey y'all 😅 i know i've been inactive, but blame school and work #NAWT me!! although i haven't been uploading, i have been jotting down all of my ideas so, just know i have some stuff in my drafts. kk luv y'all, SMOOCHIES!!

#⌁₊˚⊹ mywriting ⊹˚₊⌁#abby anderson x reader #abby anderson x black!reader #abby anderson x black!fem!reader #abby anderson x fem!reader #abby anderson x you #abby anderson smut #x black!reader #x black!fem!reader #x black reader #x black fem reader #the last of us part 2 #tlou2

673 notes · View notes

becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys · 1 year

Note

BORIS JOHNSON RESIGNS AS MP. Thoughts? The people howl for a new update to the Big Dog the Clown saga.

Yes this was not on my personal bingo card; my most recent Big Dog event was that a friend of mine works for air traffic control and recently had to delay BoJo's holiday flight by four hours, and on being told that this particular plane had to be prioritised for a runway slot because it contained an Important Clown promptly pushed it to the bottom of the priority list. Lol. And then all this! What larks.

Okay not a lot of detail yet still but LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE EVENTS OF 9TH JUNE, 2023 and you know what? It's been a while. Let's do it properly.

7.15am

Another day dawns in the reign of evil Grand Vizier-turned-PM Rishi Sunak. He's a very boring flavour of evil, tbh. Say what you will about Johnson, but at least there was spectacle and showmanship to his clownshow. Something for the children to boo and hiss. An animate ham in a villain's wig, something to really enjoy as you sit back, relax, and savour a tall, cool glass of schadenfreude.

By contrast Rishi just gets sycophants - who are no less ridiculous, but far more grey and boring - who pretend he's a tech bro because "he understands AI" and they think that will make him a visionary and a man of the future and maybe some sort of Elon Musk figure, because that's obviously a smashing template to be copied in a leader of a country.

This briefing was presumably drafted using ChatGPT.

Anyway, this is what we thought the day would be: another dreary overcast washout, livened up by Downing Street's latest attempt at making Sunak seem like a good idea to stave off the hulking spectre of Labour's inevitable GE win next year. How trite. How tedious. How mediocre.

What a shame it would be if... something were to liven it up.

8.39 am

Fun fact!

When a PM's term ends, as their last act in office, they get to present an Honours List. This means they write a list of all the people they reckon have been Jolly Good Sorts who have done Good Clowning and Supported The Community, and nominate those people for honours. Honours here can be anything from an MBE/OBE etc, to a Damehood/Knighthood, all the way up to entering the Peerage i.e. becoming a Lord. Traditionally, people have been fairly reasonable with these lists. Apart from anything else, the outgoing PM can only write the list - the new Prime Minister has to sign off on it, and it's usually the case, of course, that PMs are deposed by the opposition party.

Why am I mentioning this? Well: Boris, you see, has now presented his list to Sunak to validate. You may be unsurprised to learn that it contains quite a lot of clowns.

Another fun fact!

If a sitting MP is given a Peerage, they cannot continue to be an MP. MPs are elected. Lords are not. So an MP offered a lordship right now would have to stand down if they accepted, triggering a by-election in their seat that... well. That anyone could win, couldn't they? Ordinarily. Except Labour's shadow is growing, isn't it? I don't suppose Sunak would be all that happy about losing, for example, any Tory MPs nominated for a peerage right now.

What fun facts.

At 8.39am, Politics UK reveals an as-yet-unverified report that Nadine Dorries and Alok Sharma have been removed from Boris Johnson's honours list, and will go back to vetting.

(They also reveal that Big Dog's dad has been removed from the list, because nominating your dad for a Peerage is "inappropriate". Sorry, Bigger Dog. Apparently even corrupt ghoul Rishi Sunak has a limit to what open corruption he will allow, which is news to us all, most of all Rishi.)

10.41am

Nadine Dorries decides she will play to her strengths, and appear on TV to do some Public Speaking, which always goes well for her of course.

Nothing, let's remember, has been confirmed yet at all. But she's here to put people's minds at ease! No power-hungry status-chasing pink maniac, she! She is very clear in her aims.

“The last thing I would want to do would be to cause a by-election in my constituency.”

Quite right, Nadine. That would be disastrous.

11.20am

Oh, it’s Tory think tank NRG’s conference in Doncaster today. Gideon George Osborne, pig-stupid former Grand Vizier and idiot fail-heir to David "pig-fucker" Cameron, gives a speech. Let's see some quotes!

On the Tories’ choices of chancellors since he personally fell on his sword over Brexit left the role:

“You can see when the partnership doesn’t work. The government's paralysed and the politics is terrible.”

Fair, but also you are a government, George.

On Tories who attack the civil service:

“We’re in charge of our country’s destiny. We should stop blaming others if we don’t get things right."

... right. But you just... Uh.

On Tory culture warriors:

“It’s really important that the Conservative Party is excited about the country we aspire to lead… and doesn’t get in to ‘we’re against all these groups of people’. We’re the inclusive people.”

Well, points for clearing that absurdly low bar, I guess. Christ, I cannot BELIEVE Suella Braverman is making George fucking Osborne look good-by-comparison.

1pm

Ooh. Nadine's attempts to put minds at ease have inexplicably not worked, can't think why not. She's such a reassuring and charismatic speaker normally.

But the rumour is now FLYING about that Nadine has indeed been dropped from the honours list, and specifically because Sunak wants to avoid a by-election that will lose him more seats at a time when he is desperate for even a mat on the floor as long as it's blue.

Sorry, Nads. Still; this morning you were very clear that the constituency comes first, so I suppose that's okay. The priority now is that she MUST stay in position, so the Tories can keep their numbers steady. It is VITAL she remains an MP. Let's remember her exact words!

“The last thing I would want to do would be to cause a by-election in my constituency.”

3.45pm

Nadine Dorries tweets her resignation.

The last thing she does as an MP is indeed to cause a by-election in her constituency.

3.50pm

Except this is Nadine Dorries we're talking about. She's found some flashy balls to juggle, look, and a boy to pour custard down her trousers.

Not five minutes after dropping the bombshell, she deletes the last tweet announcing her resignation, and tweets a new one.

The new tweet says, “it is now time for another to take the reins” as the MP for Mid-Bedfordshire.

The original tweet said, “it is now time for someone younger to take the reins.”

On Talk TV, Dorries says that "something significant did happen to change my mind", but doesn’t elaborate.

3.56pm

The whispers are whispering. The rumours are rumouring. The knives are sharpening.

Nadine's now-former seat is Mid-Bedfordshire, and has been Tory since 1929; a safe seat, which certainly explains how Nadine fucking Dorries managed to hold it for as long as she did.

An MP on the right of the Tory party says that if the Tories lose the Mid Bedfordshire by-election, it’ll open questions about Rishi Sunak's leadership CLOWNFALL 3: REVENGE OF BIG DOG LET'S GOOOOOO

3.57pm

Nadine Dorries is removed from the WhatsApp group.

I would love to know who leaked that image. I really should not have that image. Ah well. Now you do too.

4.12pm

Good tweet alert!

5.08pm

Phew! What a day. Let's see how Rishi's getting on.

He approves the rest of BoJo's honours list. Shall we take a look at our newly-honoured citizens? Shall we see what familiar names crop up?

Honours for staff at centre of Partygate Jack Doyle, Rosie Bate-Williams and Shelly Williams-Walker (and a lot of other terrible and disgraced people who were loyal to Johnson, and some of Carrie Antoinette’s friends).

Damehoods for Andrea Jenkyns and Priti Patel.

Knighthoods for Jacob Rees-Mogg, Conor Burns, and Michael Fabricant.

An OBE for Kelly Jo Dodge, Parliamentary hairdresser.

Also honours for Ben Houchen, currently at the heart of a media storm about dodgy property deals. His huge regeneration project in Teesside is subject to a government investigation regarding the governance, finance and value for money.

(Interesting point – Tory MPs Allister Jack and Nigel Adams were offered peerages, but decided to wait, since accepting now would trigger by-elections.

Why were they offered at all, do you think?)

So … this means Michael Fabricant is now Sir Michael Fabricant. Like, actually. Genuinely.

Nice one, Rishi. Thank goodness you understand AIs.

5.44pm

The Guardian’s Pippa Crerar - journalist who brought down Big Dog one Partygate reveal at a time - tweets her guide to he honours list:

Martin Reynolds, former PPS, invited 200 officials to drinks in Downing St garden. He told officials to "bring your own booze", later adding: "We seem to have got away with it".

Shelley Williams-Walker, getting a Damehood, was No 10 head of opps & now runs his office. At No 10 party the night before Prince Philip's funeral she was dubbed "DJ SWW" for her banger playlist.

Jack Doyle & Rosie Bate-Williams, who get OBEs, were press spox who repeatedly denied the parties happened

Dan Rosenfield, who gets a peerage, quit in mass exodus of senior No 10 staff as anger over Partygate grew. Former chief of staff faced reports he was among senior Downing Street officials who attended a Christmas quiz when restrictions were in place.

Shaun Bailey, who ran unsuccessfully for London mayor, gets a peerage, and Ben Mallett, a close friend of Carrie Antoinette's who ran Zac Goldsmith’s disastrous mayoral campaign, gets an OBE. Both are in this picture of a lockdown-flouting party at CCHQ:

What a sea of punchable faces.

7.58pm

But we've been so focused on Nadine! She's fucked up her juggling, look, but she's sliding around on the rollerskates, ever so distracting. But here's the thing, Tumblrs, here's the thing:

Among all of this, what's the Chief Clown doing?

The Privilege Committee reveals in their draft report that Boris Johnson misled Parliament, and recommends a sanction of more than 10 days.

Does that sound too little? Are you wishing it were smething more meaningful? Let me help put it in context.

This sanction would be enough to trigger a by-election in Johnson’s seat.

8.02pm

Boris Johnson

QUITS

as an MP

The committee said Johson had “impugned the integrity” of the House of Commons. Fascinating! I didn't know its honour had ever been pugned.

He accuses the inquiry of trying to “drive me out”!!!!

"It is very sad to be leaving parliament - at least for now - but above all I am bewildered and appalled that I can be forced out, anti-democratically, by a committee chaired and managed, by Harriet Harman, with such egregious bias".

Worth noting that the committee has a Conservative majority, mind. But you mustn't let things like facts get in the way of your feelings, BlowJo. You never have as a politician. Nor as a journalist, come to that.

(Also SIDE NOTE – “at least for now”?? What are you planning, Big Dog?? I suppose Nadine is leaving an empty seat...)

8.41pm

Christopher Hope of the Daily Telegraph reports he’s heard rumours of a THIRD Tory MP potentially resigning – and another Johnson loyalist at that. Lol. Trololol. Lmao, even. Perhaps rofl.

11.43pm

And finally, the day is wrapped up with the Guardian revealing their front cover for the following day:

Big Dog is OUT, hot trans bloke is IN.

Not a bad finish.

#asks #long post #politik #the adventures of big dog the clown

2K notes · View notes

hyperfixat · 10 months

Text

Since Belphie’s ‘animal’ is a cow here are some headcanons that make me like him more:

he has separation anxiety and his worst fear is to be separated from his brothers/family: cows are social creatures and do not tend to do well on their own

It usually isn’t so explicitly stated, but in the way he holds you close with his whole body while napping, and the way he tugs you closer with his tail in public, make way for one of his worst fears… that of losing another loved one.

personally i think he has (in his human form) larger than average hands and tongue, and cows are lickers! they groom each other to share bonds, and i think him licking mc is so cute (i also mentioned this in my other headcanon set)

Sometimes you wake up a little damp after sleeping or napping with Belphie, but you always assumed that it was just sweat from his infernal heat. What you do not know is that in those bleary moments of wakefulness that Belphie gets he takes his flat tongue to flatten your hair and go along whatever part of your body he can reach without moving too much.

while he is a sleepy little dude he goes ham for enrichment toys like balls and sticks. while he won’t chase or fetch anything, he may be caught bouncing a giant beach ball around or rubbing on certain objects

You’ve started to bring little trinkets you got from a cheap import shop up to Belphie. He seems so lonely and bored up there that your heart can’t help but ache a little. The shiny ones you buy go to Mammon, but the matte, colorful ones you tuck away into your pocket to bring up to the demon in the attic.

It’s worth it for the way he grunts and acts uninterested, but still shoves his hands through the bars of Lucifer’s magic caging him. It’s worth it when you catch sight of him bouncing, tossing, and fiddling with them when your arrival caught him off guard. It’s worth it when with a shy blush on his face Belphie admits that the gifts, no matter how cheap, meant a lot to him.

#belphie #belphegor avatar of sloth #obey me belphagor x reader #belphegor x mc #verified hyperfixat post #obey me #obey me x reader #obey me shall we date #obey me x mc #belphie x reader #om hcs #obey me headcanons #obey me belphie headcanons #obey me headcanon #belphegor headcanons

1K notes · View notes

ohimsummer · 5 months

Note

poly stsg doting on us bc we're pregnant and full with child 🫠🫠🫠 oh they'd be such good daddies to be wouldn't they?

satoru goin ham on setting up the nursery.

taking turns on who goes the maternity appointments. satoru making the ultrasound his lockscreen until the baby's born.

setting up a surprise maternity photoshoot for you.

sugu reading pregnancy books to udnerstand what you'rw going through as much as he can

satoru's hands constantly on your belly to feel the little one kick

taking the time to hold the heavy baby bump to give your body a bit of a break whenever they could

they love to tease you but even they tone it down bc you're carrying their baby, you should be treated with the utmost respect.

them stocking the fuck out of your hospital bag. satoru waking suguru up when you enter active labor because its fucking happening holy shit its happening

i may be a bit of a mess.

UR RIGHT UR SO RIGHT!!

satoru setting his lockscreen as the ultrasound is so cute I’m eating my fist rn….suguru reading pregnancy books because he likes being informed on things…..yes yes I hear u

i imagine it’s like a switch flips. They’re teasing you and you say stop and they stop. Instantly. That lasts throughout the entire pregnancy and with other things not even just the teasing. You ask (demand) Satoru for his favorite dessert and normally he’d give you a little shit for it but now he just hands it over. Might be one of your cravings!! He won’t question it, he can always buy another some other time. They’re at your beck and call no questions asked, anything to keep you happy :3

It’s 50/50 whether they fight over what goes in the nursery. Gojo wants a pretty blue sky painted on the walls, Geto wants a calming night sky. You’re supposed to be the dealbreaker but both ideas sound good in your eyes so they play rock, paper, scissors to decide.

Satoru stocks it with so many cute toys and decorations and you and Suguru are staring at this giant Blank Spot where the crib should be….it’s okay he simply got a little too excited!!

You don’t have to lift a finger if they can help it. Cooking, cleaning, random chores, they got it! Giving you massages on whatever sore spot of your body, brushing your hair, applying your lipgloss. They’ll dress and feed you if you’re tired and so desire them to.

On outings if they even catch whiff of a threat, they’re in Protective Dad mode. one of them hugging you to his chest with hands on your belly, the other between you and the threat/“threat”.

They both like talking to the life growing in your belly! During a soothing walk through the park, Suguru gives your stomach a gentle tap, murmurs softly about the loud whistles of birds in the trees. Satoru comes home from work and tells them fantastical, embellished stories about his day (he turned a meeting with the higher-ups into a tale of him trapped in a prison by evil monsters and how he made such a daring escape).

the insanity rlly jumped out rq…ooh wee

#I forgot what it’s called but I imagine polystsgu children are #i think one egg gets fertilized by two dif sperms/men so you #end up having twins but they look like the different dads #ik they’d be excited both havin kids that r the spitting image of them #poly! satosugu #poly satosugu #suguru geto headcanons #satoru gojo headcanons #satosugu x reader #satosugu x reader fluff #⋆｡ﾟ☁︎ summy is thinking . . . ｡⋆#⋆⑅˚₊ hi ry .ᐟ

616 notes · View notes

stariikis · 4 months

Text

enhypen as your valentine ᡣ𐭩 ꪆৎ ˚⋅༝༚༝༚₊˚⊹♡

pairings ; ot7_enha x fem!reader genre ; fluff, established r/s warnings ; light kissing and probably kinda cringe

heeseung ✰

heeseung would bring you on a karaoke date for valentine's day. child-like excitement glossing over his eyes, he'll pick out the cheesiest and most romantic love songs for you both to sing to. he'll choose the songs with both male and female parts - even though he gets so enthusiastic he sings the female parts on your behalf.

"why aren't you singing anymore?" he asks innocently, as if he didn't just steal your spotlight away from you.

"you're singing for me!" you feign annoyance, laughing at the guilty look that instantly crosses his features.

after clearing that up, he goes to the digital screen and selects 'i see the light'. this time, he leaves you to sing your part, a proud smile gracing his cheeks. and as the song ends, he leans in to press a small kiss to your cheek. "you sing like an angel."

jay ✰

jay would cook a special three-course meal for valentine's day. a mere three hours after his special breakfast in bed. somehow, without him even asking you, he has your favourite foods laid out on the dining table for you. it's a pleasant contrast to the instant noodles you've been downing the past few days, studying for exams and all.

for some reason, he seems nervous and paranoid as you try his cooking. "does it taste okay? do you need more seasoning, dear?" he asks repeatedly, worry furrowing his eyebrows.

only after reassuring him for the 347824th time that his food tastes immaculate (and is not at all overcooked or under-cooked) does he calm down and start to eat with you. jay may have cooked for you many times before, but nothing feels as special as this, even when he asks you the simplest of questions. "what else do you want to do today?"

jake ✰

jake would bring you out on a picnic date for valentine's day. however, your attention isn't on him. it's all on layla. she receives all the kisses, cuddles and special treatment, even when jake tries to show you his homemade ham sandwiches.

you notice the light slowly fading out of his eyes, but continue to tease him by turning to layla and cooing, "did you make anything for the picnic, my sweet girl?"

jake falls silent and starts laying out the tupperware boxes, full of assorted candies and goodies, and that's when you start to feel guilty. you nudge his elbow, pouting at him. "your sandwiches look really pretty!"

you could swear you see puppy-dog ears perking up atop his head as you speak. he grins at you. "really?" and you nod vigorously, leaning in to kiss him gently. your mind starts to wander as he starts pointing out the blooming cherry blossoms, though. what if he and layla are the same soul split into two different creatures? pretty believable, right?

sunghoon ✰

sunghoon would buy you lego flowers on valentine's day, on his way back from dance practice with the other members. he wouldn't know which flower you'd like to build the best, much less does he know your favourite flower because you two never bother to ask each other these types of things. so he just blows his money on all the variations on the toy store shelf.

he comes home, sweating profusely to your shock, and dumps a heavy plastic bag on the floor. for some reason he looks proud as he points at it, still trying to catch his breath. "take your pick! let's do it now, right now!"

in honour of valentine's day (and because you, ironically, don't have a favourite flower) you choose the pink tulips set. after opening all the plastic bags and laying out the instruction sheet, lego pieces scattered all over the place, you both get to work. a couple of hours later, you have one final piece left.

"care to do the honours?" you ask sunghoon, handing him the small circular piece. he salutes, and presses it into the lego structure - a little too hard. lego pieces go flying everywhere, to both of your dismays. you don't know whether to laugh or cry, but sunghoon just starts cackling like a witch. "at least i get to spend more time rebuilding it with you, no?" "darling, you've forgotten that we have 50 more sets."

sunoo ✰

sunoo would already have planned a full day of activities for valentine's day. first you'll grab brunch at a nearby cafe, then you'll go couple clothes shopping at the mall, then you'll go take photobooth pictures, then-

"wait, i'm already lost..." you look at sunoo, confused. your interruption seems to dampen his animated energy, and he pouts at you.

"brunch, clothes shopping, photobooth, more shopping! and even more shopping!"

you take a while to process it before dissolving into a round of applause for sunoo's detailed itinerary for the day. that day, you buy matching pink vests with cute heart stitches on them, take photos with the prettiest frames you've ever seen, and he treats you to strawberry milkshakes. "you're just as pretty as the colour pink, in my opinion."

jungwon ✰

jungwon would try (and fail) to bake you chocolate-chip cookies for valentine's day. at first, you wouldn't suspect a thing. his cookies look pretty much well-baked, with just the right consistency of dough in the middle. there's an even sprinkle of chocolate chips throughout the cookie, so it's not too many or too little.

but you have to refrain from choking the moment you put it in your mouth. they may look soft to the touch and innocent, but they crumble like dust the moment they hit your tongue. it's so dry you forget how to breathe for a few seconds. jungwon notices you stifling a few coughs and looks devastated. "are they bad?"

"no..." you lie. "i just choked. but, um, they're a little bit dry. did you put too much flour? or not add enough butter?"

jungwon frowns and proceeds to check the recipe. upon doing so, his eyes go wide and he covers his mouth. "i forgot to add the egg."

"... ah." you smile awkwardly at him. "that must be it." he still looks pretty dejected about it, so you pull him close in a soothing hug. "it's okay, wonie. even if you're bad at baking, nobody needs to know."

ni-ki ✰

riki doesn't have anything planned for valentine's day. or so he says. you scoot closer to him during breakfast, blinking rapidly into his face. he takes one indifferent look at you and looks back down at his phone, feigning nonchalance.

you huff a sigh. he must be doing this on purpose to annoy you. "ki. do you know what day it is today?"

without looking up, he mumbles, "is today a special day? oh shit, is today your birthday?" that's when he straightens up and puts down his phone. this teasing is too much, it's gone too far. with a roll of your eyes, you smack his head and cross your arms. "riki!"

"okay! okay, i know what day it is," he laughs boyishly, patting your head. "don't worry, i have things planned for my sweetest valentine's gift." he physically cringes at himself after saying that, gripping your shoulders tight as if stabilising himself.

that night, however, he doesn't even cringe once as he kisses you beneath the bright and blooming fireworks, a plethora of colours from the very bottom of his heart.

thank you for reading! actually i rather enjoyed my first headcanon fic, will definitely make more in the future. happy valentine's day!

more of my works >>

233 notes · View notes