We're Here!,
Chapter 29 of Not Giving Up
Full story and detailed tags on A03
Days were surprisingly, almost painfully, peaceful at Varykino. Ben could distract his mind by training his body at least. There was certainly plenty of space in the courtyard - Rey had noticed that her fiance had, surprisingly, not attempted to leave the actual grounds. For now, she chalked it up to wanting to buzz around her like a sandfly. If anything, she wished he’d spend more time training.
It was decidedly more difficult to find things to occupy her time. The first few ones had been easy enough, getting the porgs set up by finding them little nests and teaching them where they could roam. Not that they particularly cared for rules, but they did so enjoy following Rey and Ben around and Rey enjoyed their company.
The Retreat was designed for artists, intellectuals with the sort of schooling Rey never had time to consider let alone dream of. She would have liked to settle in the shade and read, both the Jedi texts and avail herself of the overstuffed library at the Retreat. Two certain little someones made it impossible to sit still for very long, getting restless if Mama didn’t move enough.
“You could just ask me to read to you while you walk.”
Ben’s frustrated voice signaled that she had been caught, and that Ben didn’t approve of her new habit. In an attempt to solve both problems, Rey had taken to walking slowly with a datapad in one hand, the fingers of her other brushing along the wall to keep track of where she was. It… mostly worked.
“That’s embarrassing.” Her nose wrinkled and Rey stuck her tongue out over the top of the datapad.
“Yes, having your husband read to you is much more embarrassing than waddling around at a snail’s pace while you try to make sure you don’t fall.” Ben snorted, but already conceded the loss. Rey had always been stubborn. Lack of sleep and an overabundance of hormones had made her even more so. Evidently this was business as usual for pregnant people, not that he had much experience with it.
“We’re not actually married yet, remember?” Snipping without any real anger, Rey actually sighed rather contently when Ben reached out to gently run his palms over her belly.
“If you’d prefer to remain so, I can arrange that. Mother’s high society friends will be scandalized of course. It’s one thing for me to lead the First Order, another entirely to have children outside of marriage.” He teased in delight, savoring how Rey rolled her eyes at him. She was so much fun to play with, especially when her ire was already up for unrelated reasons.
“Speaking of the wedding though, and more importantly, I was sent to fetch you. We have guests.” Ben paused, letting his words hang in the air just long enough to annoy her into raising an eyebrow. “I suppose some of your Resistance friends got noisy. They’ve arrived for the event.”
It was entertaining to watch Rey attempt to scurry. This late in her term, it was adorable to watch her do anything really. The ceremony was happening tomorrow and not a moment too soon in his estimation. His lovely Flower looked as though the children would pop out at any moment.
“Look at this place!” Rose exhaled slowly, taking in the view of Varykino and its majesty. This place had the good grace to be old, not newly built with blood money and full of morally bankrupt assholes like the gambling den Finn had been impressed by.
“This the kinda place you want?” Her dark skinned lover teased her. Finn was in much better spirits than he could ever recall being in his life. He had not expected to see the end of the war, at least the war as he knew it. It had taken so much from him, his childhood, his youth. And Rose would never truly consider settling when there was work she could be doing. Now, for the first time, he’d caught her looking at small cottages on calmer planets.
“Are you crazy? I need access to a city to make a living.” It was wild, the idea of making a living. Getting up, going to work, coming home to Finn. Resting. Having a normal life. The kind of life her sister would have wanted for them.
“Place is way too good for that asshole.” Poe grumbled, tossing their scant luggage out of the transport. His shoulders were itching, annoyed and entirely unsure how he had let them talk him into this.
“No argument. General must know what she’s doing though.” Rose sighed, stretching her arms over her head as she stepped out of the transport. It was easy to be happy for Rey, but difficult to reconcile who her friend was happy with.
“Rose! Finn! Poe!”
There was no mistaking the happy voice, coming from inside the doorway to Varykino. Finn and Rose broke into an immediate trot while Poe delayed. Outside of a few hours in the med bay, he hadn’t spoken to Rey since she’d shot him with lightning. Which had probably been an accident but it was disconcerting all the same. Especially considering who the dumbass was marrying.
Inside, Ben watched the reunion with a touch of jealousy. He knew, intellectually, that they posed no threat to his happiness. Rey would choose him and the children over and over again. And he’d made it his business to ensure that Rey was kept fucked within an inch of her life, though he denied even to himself that a part of it came from wanting to ensure she was too sated to ever seek another.
He didn’t begrudge her their friendships. Ben didn’t even mind that they took her time, occupied her mind when a twisted part of him wanted Rey to think only of him. What he struggled with was her smile, how she embraced the others so freely, shining that warmth he coveted for himself. Ben braced himself on a railing, well aware that he was playing a rather cliche role as he watched his love from a distance.
“I would ask if you’re about to cause trouble. Except that I didn’t inform them where she is.”
Mother’s voice carried a light scolding and Ben smirked a little, loosening his grip on the stone.
“I’m sure I don’t know what you’re referencing, Mother.”
“You never have before, so I don’t expect you to start now.” She huffed, coming to stand by her son. A little smile gracing her features as she watched Poe awkwardly walk towards Rey. The four would sort things out between themselves, given time. Their bonds were simply too strong to tolerate division for long. “She’s happy to see them.”
“That’s what matters.” Ben glanced down at his Mother, entirely unsurprised she had figured him out. His last attempt to surprise Rey had ended in having to tell her about her lineage. This one was, blessedly, going according to plan.
Bathed in the glow of a beautiful sunset, Rey was the picture of a delighted mother and bride-to-be. With Ben under strict orders not to come close, she was showing off the veil they’d adjusted to suit her own taste, along with the little mobiles she’d fashioned to hang over the cribs. Small models of ships and planets, suspended on wire and brightly colored. Two of the three porgs were waddling, investigating the new items and the visitors, while the third was settled on Rey’s lap - taking a nap.
“I don’t really know what babies ought to have and the HoloNet threads get so confusing and angry.” Rey confessed with a sheepish laugh to Finn, watching as he dangled one of her creations from his strong fingers.
“Everything on the HoloNet gets angry.” Rose snorted, tracing her finger lightly down the edge of the veil. “I can’t believe you get to use the General’s Mother’s veil though.”
“It’s just nice to have something with family history.” It was so soothing to see her friends going through the wedding regalia and baby things. This is what people are supposed to have when they are starting a new chapter, a family to celebrate with.
“You did a great job, Rey. You gonna make some more of these? Could probably sell them at that market you were talking about.” Finn grinned over at her. She was happy and that set him more at ease. It helped that the asshole hadn’t been spotted yet, but he’d never seen Rey looking so well. So minor points in the jerk’s favor.
“Oh, that’s a great idea-”
Whatever Rose had been about to say was cut off by one Poe Dameron stalking across from the other side of the courtyard and slamming a brightly colored drink down on the table beside Rey. He had a matching one in his hand, the kind that have you wobbling in your steps before you even get to the bottom.
“Poe…. I’m pregnant.” Rey arched her eyebrows, glancing at the beverage and the look of grim determination on his face.
“I made it without booze.” Poe didn’t so much sit down as he collapsed into a nearby chair, taking a quick drink from his glass. The alcohol missing from her glass had gone into his own. “Look, we gotta talk about you shooting me with lighting and that’s the sorta thing that requires a drink.”
“We literally went over and agreed not to.” Rose groaned, burying her face in her hands. “Rey, I’m so sorry.”
“Poe, knock it off.” Finn rose quickly and, while he set down the mobile with care, the hand that squeezed his friend’s shoulder was tight. They all wanted answers about what happened that day but they had also all said to wait until after the high risk pregnancy was successfully completed!
“Look, I’m sorry but Rey… I gotta know. Is that some shit he taught you? What kinda path is he taking you down?”
Poe’s eyes seemed to burn through her and Rey looked down at her lap, her left hand stroking slowly over the twins. Ben wouldn’t be so much as annoyed with her if she cast the blame at his feet to hide her parentage. Leia likely wouldn’t raise an eyebrow. And it wasn’t as though Ben hadn’t taught her a few tricks. It wouldn’t be such a lie to say that she learned it from him. Only it didn’t feel right, the words sitting like dusty bricks in her mouth and refusing to come out.
“No. I… That… Poe, that was an accident…”
“No shit, but where did you learn it? What the hell happened to you while you were with him?” Concern and anger mixed together. He shouldn’t have let her leave, Leia’s plan or not. Poe should have put his foot down and insisted Rey go somewhere safer, have more guards or just stay there where they knew she was protected.
“I… it… it’s sort of… genetic? We used the time to investigate and… I come from a line strong with the Dark Side of the Force. So…” Rey swallowed, finally picking up the drink that Poe provided and holding it in both hands. Rotating the cool glass slowly as she summarized to the bits that seemed relevant.
There was a meaningful pause as they all let the new information stink in. Neither of the three knew much of the Force, their rising concern was for their friend, not the balance of the Galaxy.
“What the fuck does that even mean?” Poe sighed, leaning back now that Finn finally released his grip.
“It means it’s not our business.” Finn growled a little. Rey was dealing with enough. If the woman was a traitor to the Resistance, Leia wouldn’t be here.
“I’m related to the Emperor. Believe me, I’m not happy about it and don’t go talking about it.” Rey sighed, raising the glass and finishing it in one go. Rather wishing that the overly sweet mixture actually had the burn that would help ease this moment from her mind.
“You’re one of us.” Rose was the first to speak, standing up and grabbing Poe’s glass from him before he could get wasted and say something even stupider. Pouring it out over the railing while shooting Poe an angry look, she continued. “Some of us just need to figure out how to express themselves without being assholes.”
“Tactful’s not my strong point.” Poe conceded, mumbling as he dropped his head onto his hand - supported by the table - while he tried to sort through the information he’d just been given. It sorta explained a lot, the woman was strong as hell and exceedingly quick-witted. Maybe accounted for her shitty taste in partners as well.
“We’ve got you.” Finn moved to squeeze Rey’s shoulder, a much more gentle and supportive gesture. “Sides, there’s a ton of us who didn’t get a say in being connected to that bullshit.”
Rey started to protest then swallowed the words. She had chosen not to go into detail but their origins were sadly similar. Finn’s parents might have loved him, they might not have. They might be dead, they might be alive. The First Order had plucked her friend from whatever life he’d had before at the tender age of three. He struggled with many of the same questions, only phrased a little differently.
Perhaps shared experience of being alone was why he was so protective of her, Finn mused. They’d met on both the worst and best day of his life, during his escape from the First Order. Rey had never cared that he used to be a Stormtrooper and he sure as hell didn’t care who she happened to share some DNA with.
“Thanks.” Rey squeezed Finn’s hand, drawing comfort in the warmth there. He and Chewie were the first constant good things in her life.
“Whelp.” Poe exhaled, finally lifting his gaze back to Rey. “You, ah… need someone to run any last minute errands? Flowers or… something?”
Trying to help, however awkwardly, was a way for Poe to apologize and a step towards acceptance. That it was Poe fucking Dameron offering to go buy wedding flowers just made it hilariously endearing. Rose and Rey met each other’s gaze and, slowly but steadily, dissolved into a mutual fit of giggles that didn’t end for the better part of ten minutes. Poe would endure floral themed teasing for the rest of the night.
Ben’s pre-event preparations were much quieter but no less soothing. He had hung their clothing for the ceremony so that each garment would be accessible and in the correct order to be worn. Where she had the veil, however, he didn’t know. Rey didn’t want him to see how it had been changed before the ceremony. It seemed pointless, but he obliged her.
When Rey went to dress, she would find a thin box, tied with a black ribbon, set down next to her hairbrush as a quiet wedding day gift. She would protest later, saying he ought to have told her so that she could get something for him. But she would smile for him and that was all he wanted.
In the fading light, he stepped out on a small, more private balcony with two bottles of very expensive ale. If Ben strained, he could occasionally catch laughter from the other side of the Retreat. He settled his large frame on the wide stone railing and leaned back against a pillar. Above his head, flowering vines draped as though deliberately placed to create a romantic effect. They’d probably been carefully cultivated to do just that, he mused.
What was odd to him was not his lack of company, but the lack of whispers in his mind. Certainly, Ben would have expected to feel the Dark Side pulling at him tonight. With Rey’s friends here, he was alone. His Father wasn’t here to offer advice on making a marriage work, and that was Ben’s own fault. Chewbacca wouldn’t be stopping by with a drink, and there wouldn’t be any embarrassing stories about how toddler Ben had gotten Chewie so sticky the poor Wookie had to be shaved. He was alone, the end product of his own choices. Surely there was no better time to torture him.
Ben pried the tops off both bottles with a practiced hand. Alderaanian ale was extremely difficult to get ahold of, what with the main producer having been destroyed by his Grandfather. For better or for worse, depending on how much of a beer snob one was, the rich grains had already been exported and there were a few specialty companies catering to a niche market. Mostly Alderaanian families whose survival had been luck, happening to be off-planet for whatever reason, rich business types and drink enthusiasts.
“Wish you were here, Dad.” He whispered into the growing darkness, setting one of the bottles on the far side of the ledge before Ben took a slow drink from his bottle.
“He’d remind you that drinking alone is dangerous.”
“One’s for him.” Ben wasn’t surprised to hear his mother’s voice though he hadn’t been expecting it. “I thought you were with Rey.”
“They see me as the General, to one degree or another. I’m more concerned about being your Mother right now.” Leaning her cane against the railing, Leia’s hand gently cupped her son’s face. Tracing her finger along a hint of scruff. “You need to shave.”
“Rey likes a little stubble.” She wasn’t wrong though. He’d shave neatly before the ceremony though why Ben couldn’t just say that, he didn’t know. Exhaling slowly, he looked down at the bottle in his hands.
“I’m so proud of you.”
Her words were quiet and cruelly sincere, causing Ben to duck his head. How dare she. How could she possibly say such a thing. When she, of all people, knew his sins and the measure of his failures. Had he not single-handedly destroyed their family? He’d murdered Father, driven Uncle to exile first then death. Mother had been spaced in an attack he’d led, personally.
Leia’s touch drew his features upwards again, and her smile was tender. Her wonderful boy had fallen so far, nearly drowning in corruption and darkness. Yet he came back, came back and was adding to the galaxy. It would never erase what was done but all the same. Ben was back, fighting the Darkness. Her thumb caressed his cheek, catching a bead of moisture in the dim light.
“Mother… why…”
His voice broke on the question but he didn’t need to continue. Leia’s arms wrapped around him, pulling Ben into the embrace he hadn’t felt in so long. Worn fingers soothed gently through his hair while her own heart shattered into pieces around them. The why was the many hundreds, thousands of questions they had all suffered.
“We failed you Ben, but we never stopped loving you. Never.” He smelled of the same soaps as when he was a teen. Cocky and convinced he knew everything one moment, frightened of the Darkness that swirled around him in the next one.
The ale bottle slipped from his fingers, creating a mess several floors below for the poor groundskeeper. Ben couldn’t bring himself to care, burying his head into his Mother’s shoulder and grasping tightly to her petite frame. He was not the sort of person that people loved. Kylo Ren had no right to expect affection or comfort.
“It’s all right, Ben. Ssh, it’s all right.” Leia rubbed her hand between his shoulder blades as Ben’s shoulders began to shake, soothing him slowly as she had so many times in the past. When things had felt both a great deal simpler and a great deal worse. Humming him a familiar lullabye as Ben wept in quiet shudders.
There was a great deal to cry over and Ben wasn’t sure where his pain started and regret for his actions began. Only that everything blended together and that his Mother still felt so safe, with a scent of delicate flowers and gentle touch.
“I’m sorry.” She deserved a better apology, something formal and drawn out. The sort of thing that would be carved into a statue’s plaque - commemorating Han’s legacy and Ren’s defeat. All he could give her were two broken words, his voice wracked with tears.
“I know.” Leia buried her head into his dark curls, her own shoulders trembling with unshed tears. Words would not bring Han back, or the millions of lives that had been snuffed out. Yet let the galaxy hate her, she would protect her son. Pulling back slightly, Leia cradled his face in her hands. “We’re so sorry. Your Father and I. We are both so sorry.”
He couldn’t remember seeing his Mother cry. Not like this. She had shed poignant tears during speeches, and he could remember her crying at the memorials for her own parents. This was a deeper wound, one that seemed it might carve the woman in two. It physically hurt Ben to see the pain in her eyes and so he buried back against her shoulder. Letting them both have the comfort of the only other living Skywalker.
“Why Uncle?”
“Because he was Luke Skywalker.” Leia laughed darkly through her tears. She’d had such perfect faith in her brother. Han had been doubtful and she should have listened. But even he had trusted Luke. All three of them trusted each other almost blindly, but what can one expect? They had pulled each other out of so many situations that were simply impossible. At some point, one simply starts to expect miracles.
“And if the Legend can’t redeem the boy, kill him.” Ben eased back slowly, looking up at his Mother with self-hatred in his eyes. How many nights had he wondered if Uncle had been right. He was Luke Skywalker after all.
“Never.” Leia nearly hissed in her admance, brushing tears from his face. She had nearly killed Luke herself. A part of her still wished she had, or had let Han. Perhaps then Ben would have felt safe. “That was never the plan and we were never all right with what happened that night. We didn’t know how to help you afterwards, but it doesn’t mean what your Uncle did was right.”
He closed his eyes and tried to remember exactly what his parents had said then. There had been a lot of fighting between them all. Father had been so outwardly furious at Uncle but Ben internalized it. After all, it wouldn’t have been a problem if he wasn’t a monster. The memories seemed to be distorted, as though viewing a painting through ripped gauze and broken lenses. Oddly indifferent to the idea, Ben wondered for a moment if Snoke had been toying with his perception of events even then. It wasn’t as though the bastard had ever attempted to be impartial.
“How long will you stay after tomorrow?” Ben spoke after a long silence, brushing the last of the moisture away with the back of his hand. If he was being honest with himself, he didn’t want her to leave anytime soon. They had a great deal to discuss between them but Ben couldn’t manage more than a little at a time. If he was being honest with himself. “Rey would appreciate help with the twins.”
“Until you’re all well-settled. However long that takes.” Leia promised with a squeeze of his hands and, for the first time in what felt like a lifetime, Ben believed his Mother.
Full story and detailed tags on A03
0 notes