#lots of stuff ill change if i ever make another one | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fortheloveofwonderland · 11 months

Text

My Reply | S.R

This one was a request from the lovely @reidsaurora-replies for my milestone celebration which got wildly out of hand. I think I damn near used every lyric of the song in this one. Also, Maeve does not exist in this universe. I felt like his phone calls with her were too similar to the letters with reader and not needed

Summary - Spencer writes his deepest tragedies down on paper for his pen pal. After ten years of exchanging letters and some divine intervention from JJ, the two of you finally come face to face.

CW - this one covers most of Spencer’s canon storylines including Tobis Hankel and his drug addiction, his moms illness, his fathers abandonment, getting shot in the knee, his headaches, Emily’s “death”, prison arc, Mr Scratch and Emily’s kidnapping, angst, interfering friends, lots of literary quotes.

WC - 6.3k

Making friends was always something Spencer Reid had been inherently bad at. He was always too young or too smart which always seemed to put people off of forming friendships with him.

When he joined the BAU, his team called themselves his friends. But Spencer knew if he’d met any of them outside of work he would have nothing in common with them.

They were simply friends by proximity, which admittedly was better than having no friends at all. But he couldn’t talk to them about everything, afraid to scare them away with talk of his mothers illness or his fathers abandonment.

And sometimes he just needed to talk to someone.

It was Garcia’s idea that he sign up for a pen pal. When she found out about his mom during the course of the fisher king case, he’d confessed that he didn’t feel comfortable talking to the team about such things.

At first she’d actually suggested talking to someone online, she had many online friends who she talked to in various chat rooms. But after almost an hour of trying to explain that to the technophobe doctor and getting little more than a deep frown in response, she changed tact.

A pen pal appealed to Spencer greatly. He already wrote daily letters to his mom and found it somewhat cathartic, getting his thoughts down on the page, but he never bothered her with the darker stuff.

The idea of a faceless person he’d never meet reading his deepest, darkest thoughts was actually intriguing to him. And so with the help of Penelope he found himself a pen pal.

In his first letter he’d just introduced the basics, his name and age, what he did for a living and that he lived in DC.

He went on to explain how hard he found it to make friends and the difficulties of talking to his already established friends about the darker parts of his life. He ended the letter with a quote from To Kill a Mockingbird.

“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view…until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.” - Harper Lee.

He received a reply little over a week later.

Your name was Y/N and you were twenty two, three years younger than him and a grad student at Columbia University. You told him you would be happy to read whatever he sent you, that you were more than willing for him to write to you about the things he didn’t tell his friends.

You signed off with a quote of your own quote from the book Infinite Jest.

“You will become way less concerned with what other people think of you when you realise how seldom they do.” - David Foster Wallace.

And so he did just as you said and he wrote another letter.

His second letter to you was five pages long. He went into great detail about his mothers illness, how he’d been left to deal with it alone at ten years old. He wrote about how he’d made the decision at eighteen years old to have her committed to a sanitarium.

He told you about growing up as a child prodigy in Las Vegas and how hard that was. You were the first person he ever told about Alexa Lisbon and being tied naked to a flagpole.

He spoke about the events surrounding Elle leaving the team and how it didn’t feel complete without her.

He ended the letter by apologising profusely that he’d wasted your time with his long winded rambles and said he hoped to hear from you soon and scrawled a quote from The Great Gatsby.

“The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald.

He said he would understand if you didn’t reply. But you did.

The letter took two weeks to arrive and you explained that it was because you wanted to really process his words and give each and every one of them the time they deserved. He read the last few lines of your letter over and over again in a loop even though they were etched into his memory after only one glance.

I wish there was something I could say, to erase each and every page you've been through,

even though it's not my place to save you.

“When I get lonely these days, I think: so be lonely. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.” - Elizabeth Gilbert - Eat, Pray, Love.

He wasn’t familiar with the book and so he’d gone out and brought it and read it cover to cover within an hour.

Reading your letter made Spencer feel understood for the first time in his young life. You didn’t pass judgement on him. Spencer found that between the pages of your letters he found a kindred spirit.

The letters continued back and forth for several months until one day you didn’t receive a reply. His last letter had been penned to you on route to a case in Atlanta, which you’d responded to the day you received it. But there was radio silence from Spencer.

You shouldn’t have been as worried as you were, but you couldn’t help yourself. His letters had become such a huge part of your world, often rereading them hundreds of times just to make sure you didn’t miss any little nuance on the page.

His handwriting was ingrained within you, his scrawly, sometimes barely legible penmanship danced behind your eyelids every time you closed your eyes. His letters had rapidly become the best part of any day. And for over a year you didn’t receive a reply.

After a while you’d stopped holding out hope every time you collected your mail. Eventually you gave up ever expecting to hear from him again. Maybe he didn’t need you anymore. Perhaps he’d made a real life friend, maybe even a girlfriend and you’d been rendered ineffective.

But then little over a year after you sent your last letter, you found an envelope in your mail slot with the familiar handwriting you adored so much and the DC postmark.

Y/N,

I don’t really have any excuses, all I can say is I’m sorry. I have written you fifty three letters over the course of the last year but never mailed a single one. They are piled up on my desk, addressed and even stamped, but I couldn’t bring myself to mail them.

I’ve been struggling, I can’t lie to you. I can’t even lie to you through a letter and tell you I’ve been fine because I haven’t. I think you would see through my prose, know that I wasn’t being truthful. And you’ve never given me a reason to be anything but honest with you.

The case in Atlanta was one of the hardest I’ve ever worked. I’m not going to beat around the bush, I’m just going to tell what happened and hopefully this letter will end up with you and not in the pile on my desk.

I was kidnapped by the man we were hunting down. I spent two days tied to a chair being beaten within an inch of my life but a man with multiple personalities. In fact, that’s not strictly true. I wasn’t beaten within an inch of my life; one of the personas killed me.

I’m not entirely sure how long I was technically dead before he revived me but obviously not long enough to cause permanent neurological damage. Irreversible brain damage occurs after four minutes without oxygen so it stands to reason it was less than four minutes.

But during that time, my life flashed before my eyes, including every single word of every single one of your letters.

One of the alter’s drugged me in his own way of trying to save me. Drugging me was supposed to help with the pain, both mental and physical. I fought it at first, desperate for him not to stick that needle in my vein. But after that first hit, I stopped resisting.

I think you can probably already see where this is going. You’re incredibly smart and you seem to know me so well. After I shot Tobias Hankel dead I took three vials of dilaudid from his corpse.

I should have prefaced this by saying I am now ten months sober, and offered up the good news first. But there were several months that I continued using the drug in secret, hoping it would aid in erasing the memories of it all.

It took a case in New Orleans in which I met up with an old friend Ethan and ended up almost destroying my career for me to decide to get sober. I’ve had a lot of difficulties in my life, as you know, but getting clean is the hardest thing I have ever done.

And now for the first time in months I’m craving again. Maybe that’s why I’m writing to you, determined to send this letter this time. I need to know that everything is going to be ok and you are the only one that I will believe it from.

My team tries. Now it's all out in the open, they try to help. But you don’t even need to try. Your help is so effortless, so easy and I’m in real need of that right now.

His letter went on in this vein for another six pages. He also included several pages of handwritten poetry which he had copied out of a book to send you. With each word you consumed you felt your heart breaking for him a piece at a time.

And he signed off with a surprising choice of quote from The Lorax.

“Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not.” - Dr Seuss.

You spent the next month or so trying to cultivate the perfect reply, but for the first time in your life, words failed you.

It was three days after Spencer received his one year sober chip that your letter arrived.

I got your letter and the poetry you sent me, postmarked in December of last year. I really hope you’re doing better, all your friends close by your side, one step closer to recovery.

I hope by the time you receive this you are close to one year sober, but if you didn’t make it you need to know that’s ok too. Life is full of ups and downs Spencer. If you didn’t make it this time you will the next time. Or the one after that.

If you relapsed I need you to not beat yourself up over it. You will be ok, Spencer Reid, for that I am certain.

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.” Maya Angelou - I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings.

***

When he got shot in the knee, he wrote to you from the hospital. He told you how hard it was for him to turn down pain medication when he was in so much agony. But he was over two years sober now and he wouldn’t do anything to risk a relapse.

Your reply spoke of how proud of him you were and how you knew it couldn’t have been easy for him but you hoped the fact you were proud went some way to aid him.

He told you it meant more to him than you would ever know.

Then he started having headaches and the letters became sporadic. When he did write he told you how painful it was for him to try to focus on the words in front of him.

I’ve seen so many doctors and no one can tell me what’s wrong with me. It’s like they think I’m making it up, like this pain isn’t real.

On my good days it’s a dull throb but on the bad days it’s nearly paralysing. I’m so scared that this is a precursor for schizophrenia. I'm still young enough for my first break, and it is a genetic illness.

I love my mom but I can’t turn out like her, Y/N, I just can’t. I'm so, so scared.

But your letters are the greatest comfort to me. I don’t think there are words to describe how much they mean - I will try to surmise it with a quote from Charlotte's Web -

"'Why did you do all this for me?' he asked. 'I don't deserve it. I've never done anything for you.' 'You have been my friend,' replied Charlotte. 'That in itself is a tremendous thing.'" - E.B White.

You could feel his fear through the pages. His handwriting was somehow even harder to read than usual and sentences often tapered off with no ending. There were whole passages scribbled out so violently his pen had ripped the paper in places. There were crude drawings of brains and dark rain clouds in the margins.

Spencer,

I am so sorry you are going through this and that no one can give you the answers you seek. But this isn’t the end for you, even if it is schizophrenia, you can still live a full and normal life.

If you'll just hold on for one more second, if you just hold on to what you have, you will wake up tomorrow. Behind every rain cloud lies the sun. As Victor Hugo said in Les Miserables -

“Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.”

In his next few letters he seemed to be getting better, his headaches slowly dissipating until they only hassled him every once in a while. Things seemed to be looking up for him.

But then one of his best friends died.

His detailed letter told you all about Ian Doyle and Emily’s history with him and went on to conclude how she died on the operating table.

I’ve been through a lot of trauma in my life, lost a lot of people close to me but never like this. I’ve never had to bury someone I love and honestly I don’t know how to move past this.

My initial reaction has been dilaudid. It's the only thing I can think of to take the pain away.

Tell me not to do it, Y/N, please. Please tell me that this grief will get better and that using drugs again is not the answer. Please help me stay clean.

"When someone you love dies, and you're not expecting it, you don't lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time — the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers.” John Irving - A Prayer for Owen Meany

It took you longer than it should have done to formulate a reply. You felt pressured, like his sobriety hung in your hands. You hated that his friend had died but you didn’t think it was fair of him to put this on you. And you told him such.

Spencer,

I am sorry to hear about Emily, I know how close the two of you were. I’m no expert on grief, I can’t tell you how to deal with this.

You know full well that using dilaudid again is a bad idea, you really don’t need me to tell you that. Honestly, I’m a little frustrated at you for putting this on my shoulders.

I am always here to help Spencer, in any way I can but sometimes I think you expect too much from me. We’ve been trading letters back and forth for the better part of five years and I don’t think you’ve ever really asked me about myself aside from those first initial letters.

And it’s fine, you needed this friendship more than I did. But over time this has started to feel so one sided and I don’t always look forward to your letters as much as I once did.

I realise this is not the best time for me to be saying these things but I can’t hold back any longer. I’m glad I can be someone you can turn to but I have my own life, my own issues and I have no one to talk to about them.

You put too much pressure on me Spencer and it’s a lot to take. I’ve tried to help shoulder your misery all these years but it’s starting to bring me down. All I can say is you need to wake up, you've gotta believe; you can't give up. Time keeps going on without us, long after we're dead and gone.

And you finished it with a simple quote from After You by Jojo Moyes.

“No journey out of grief was straightforward. There would be good days and bad days.”

It was no surprise to you that you didn’t receive a reply.

***

Y/N,

It’s been two years and I’m sorry for that. Two years, one month and eleven days. The truth is your last letter was hard for me to read as you can probably understand.

The hardest part of reading it was the fact that I knew you were right. I’ve been selfish all these years. I’ve treated you like a sounding board for my problems and never once asked how you were.

It's taken me time to write this because I wanted to get to a better place before I responded. I was angry at first, I felt like I was being abandoned again and my anger would not have been conducive.

Then I was hurt, hurt that the one person I thought would always be there for me had turned their back on me. I displaced my grief over Emily’s death onto you and anything I would have written in that time would have only been the rage fuelled epitaph of a grieving man.

And then once I dealt with those emotions, life simply got away from me. Emily was alive and well, her death was faked to get Doyle off of her back. Again I was angry about being lied to by my friends but eventually I was just happy she was alive.

Then I turned thirty and had a crisis of faith I suppose. I guess with my intellect I always assumed I would be doing something more with my life and turning thirty kind of threw me through a loop.

We had some changes to the team, new agents coming and going. All in all things have been somewhat hectic.

But that’s not why I’m writing.

I am writing because I really do want to know everything about you. I want you to be able to open up to me the way I always have to you. I want to be your shoulder, your repreve. I really hope I haven’t completely blown our friendship and I hope to be the kind of person who you can talk to.

These arms remain stretched out to you and maybe someday you'll accept them. Maybe it's too late to save a young girl's heart that's long stopped beating. But I hope that it isn’t.

“You have been in every way all that anyone could be…if anybody could have saved me it would have been you.” Jennifer Niven - All the Bright Places.

You wanted to tell him it was too little too late, that after two years of silence you weren’t interested anymore.

You wanted to simply not reply, ignore him entirely like he’d done to you.

But you couldn’t. And so you replied.

It was your longest letter to date, depicting in great detail how he’d made you feel over the years and all the hardships you’d faced without having someone to vent to.

But getting to write it all down had been purifying, and by the time you were finished you weren’t mad anymore.

I am willing to give this another shot, but things have to be different. If we’re to continue this friendship then it has to be a two way street.

But I can’t pretend that I haven’t missed your letters because I have. I see pieces of you between the words, parts of yourself I’m not sure you realise you leave on the page.

I’ve painted a picture of you in my mind's eye and even after two years with no letters, I’ve carried that picture with me wherever I go.

I feel like I somehow know you better than I know myself and I hope going forward you can start to know me the same way. Charlotte Bronte once said -

“Every atom of your flesh is as dear to me as my own: in pain and sickness it would still be dear.” - Jane Eyre.

***

Spencer didn’t know how it happened, he only knew that it had happened. Over the course of all the years writing to you it was almost a surprise it hadn’t happened sooner. Or maybe it had and he just didn’t realise until now.

Spencer Reid had fallen in love with the woman who wrote her prose to him.

It had been ten years of letters, every single one of which he kept in their envelopes in date order in the bottom drawer of his desk at home.

Those letters were his lifelines on bad days, the one thing that kept him tethered. He didn’t even know what you looked like, even what you sounded like but he loved you. He loved you with every fibre of his being.

And he couldn’t stop himself from telling you exactly what you meant to him. Even if it inevitably destroyed what the two of you had, he couldn’t stop the words from flying across the page.

So that’s pretty much everything that’s happened these past few weeks. Mom’s doing ok but obviously it's a huge adjustment for her and I’m not entirely sure how long I can keep her living with me but for now it works.

How did the interview go? I have absolutely no doubts that you blew them all away with your presentation, you’re a hard person not to fall in love with.

Your presence in my life has brightened my every waking minute. You once told me that behind every rain cloud lies the sun; you are the sun behind my clouds. Your letters bring me back to life, your handwriting penned onto my soul.

Is it foolish of me to be in love with someone I have never laid eyes on? William Makepeace Thackery said in Vanity Fair -

“It is better to have loved wisely, no doubt: but to love foolishly is better than not to be able to love at all.”

I suppose that’s as good of an answer as any.

***

Five days after he penned his love confession, he was arrested in Mexico. Once all the drugs had left his system, only after he was extradited and arraigned and placed at Milburn was he able to dwell on the fact he never received your reply.

And being trapped in a cell gave him way too much time to think about that.

It was possible you had replied, maybe even just to tell him he was crazy to even think he could be in love with someone he had never met. But he was sure you wouldn’t have even bothered to respond, thinking him a lunatic you needed to cut ties with.

After a month in prison on one of JJ’s visits she brought a letter with her which she had found in his apartment. She recognised the handwriting on the envelope from several she’d seen him reading over the years.

She wasn’t allowed to give him the letter but she offered to read it to him. At first he’d declined because he had no idea what to expect from your reply but after several long minutes he’d decided to let JJ read it to him.

Spencer,

I am pleased to hear your mom is doing well but I do think you know that this solution won’t work in the long run. You say you live in a one bedroom apartment? You and I both know that you can’t sustain having your mother live there permanently. But I know you and I know you will figure out what’s best for you both.

The interview was amazing and they offered me the job on the spot. If it wasn’t for all your help with the presentation there is no way I would have gotten it, so thank you so much for that.

As for the other thing…

For some time now I have been wondering about feelings I didn’t understand. You’ve been such a large part of my life for so long and even though we’ve never met I feel like we have, if that makes sense? I feel like in my heart I know you. My heart knows your heart.

Falling for you was as inevitable as the sun rising each morning. Perhaps it is foolish but I believe Thackeray knew what he was talking about. And I also believe Emily Bronte was talking about me and you when she said, “Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”

Spencer had interrupted JJ then, when she was smiling from ear to ear as she read your words out loud.

“That’s enough.” He cut her off, burying his head in his hands.

“Wow, Spence, I had no idea you’d met someone.”

“I haven’t met anyone. She is simply a woman at the other end of a series of letters.”

“How long?” JJ placed the pages down in front of her.

Spencer looked up at her, a small blush on his cheeks. He didn't want to be talking about this, least of all on the other side of a plexiglass screen with his other inmates nearby but he responded all the same.

“Ten years.” He shrugged.

“Ten years?” JJ sounded incredulous. “Ten years of letters and you’ve never met? Why?”

“I, uh, it never really came up.” It wasn’t a lie, you’d never once discussed meeting in all those years.

“Is it like a distance thing? Does she live far away?”

“No,” He sighed with a shake of his head. “She’s in New York.”

“New York!” She huffed. “New York is a five hour train journey, Spence!”

“Jennifer, now is really not the time for this.” He lowered his voice as JJ’s had garnered eyes in their direction. “There is really no point in discussing this as we have no idea when or even if I’m going to get out of here.”

“Don’t say that.” She shook her head.

“It’s true.” He shrugged sadly. “I really can’t think about all this right now, ok? Just take the letter back to my apartment and pretend you didn’t see it. Please?”

If it weren’t for the desperation in his eyes she might have argued it. But she didn’t want to waste what little time she got to spend with Spencer fighting.

“Ok.” She relented with a small roll of her eyes.

“Thank you, JJ.” He offered a tight lipped smile. “How are the boys?”

JJ filled him in but she wasn’t really focused anymore. In her head, she was already penning a letter of her own…

Y/N,

My name is Jennifer Jareau, JJ, and I work with Spencer at the BAU. I’m not sure if he’s mentioned me to you or not. He hasn’t really told me too much about you if I’m honest. But I have learned that he has strong feelings for you and you for him. I’m wondering if I can make a suggestion…

***

When you received the strange letter from Spencer’s friend JJ in response to yours, you’d been initially extremely confused as to why he was letting his teammates read your secret correspondence.

But when she’d gone on to tell you that Spencer had been arrested along with all the details surrounding his incarceration and how she’d read your letter to him during their visitation, you started to understand.

But then a few days later, before you had a chance to reply to her, you received another letter from Spencer with a postmark from Milburn Correctional Facility.

Y/N,

Maybe Thackeray and Bronte were right or maybe they were wrong, I can’t say for sure. What I can say with certainty is that I can’t carry on like this a moment longer.

Something has happened to me, it won’t be hard for you to figure out what as soon as you see the postmark. I am not willing to get into it or explain how I ended up here. But I have no idea how long I am going to be inside and I don’t want the rest of our communication to be sent through a string of guards who will pick apart each tormented sentence.

I ask you not to write me back. This has to be the end of the road my dear. This letter has to be our last. I don’t know how much longer I will continue to be able to live like this. Each day my hope dies a little more and I’m sure I won’t make it out of here alive.

I am writing simply to say thank you. Thank you for all your years of listening, for all your patience and kind words and your hopeful prose. In my darkest hours you have shown me the light, dragged me out of the shadows of my own creation.

I love you for all that you are and all that you have done but even you can’t save me this time. This really might be the end for me and I don’t want you to blame yourself. You are the only reason I made it this far in this treacherous game we call life.

Take care of yourself, continue to live your absolute best life. And in time I pray that you forget me and are able to love someone far more tangible.

All that is left to say can be summed up by a quote from The Miniaturist -

“You are the sunlight through a window, which I stand in, warmed. My darling.” Jessie Burton.

You replied firstly to Spencer, his heartbreaking words more pressing than JJ’s letter. You kept it short and to the point, knowing that various other prison guards would read it before it even made it to his hands.

I appreciate but can't accept this thank you note that's sealed with your last breath and I won't stand aside and listen to you give up.

You are stronger than that Spencer Reid and if I know anything about your team from all the years of hearing you speak of them it’s that they are the best at what they do and they will prove your innocence.

Just remember what Ernest Hemmingway said in A Farewell to Arms -

“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are stronger at the broken places.”

You will be stronger at those broken places, Spencer, I have no doubt about it.

And besides, if you don’t make it out of there, how do you propose to ever meet me?

Whilst on a role, you grabbed a clean sheet of paper and started scrawling again.

Jennifer,

Thank you for your letter. I have spent some time musing on your suggestion and I think you might be right.

I think it's time for me to take a trip to DC…

***

Spencer never opened your last letter because he had no intention of replying to it. If he didn’t read it, he could pretend you had never sent it and he wouldn’t be tempted to write a response.

Instead he stuffed it between the pages of his book and tried not to think about it.

After two and half months his team proved his innocence and he was released but he was thrown into the deep end of trying to find his mother.

And even once he found her unscathed, he was rapidly thrust right into Scratch’s web after he kidnapped Emily.

Taking the elevator back up to the BAU alongside JJ after they’d escorted Emily to the hospital it already felt like a lifetime had passed since he left prison. And all he wanted to do was chronicle all of it to you.

Maybe once the dust settled, once he’d wrapped his head around everything that happened he would open your letter and send you a reply.

But for the first time in ten years, Spencer didn’t want to drag you into his mess.

JJ was strangely quiet as the elevator made its ascent. He didn’t even want to be here, he’d planned on going straight home after leaving the hospital. He hadn’t slept in his own bed for two and a half months and he couldn’t wait to collapse into it.

But JJ had insisted that instead of him getting the metro home, if he popped back to the BAU with her to collect some paperwork, she would drive him home.

And honestly he was just too exhausted to decline.

JJ’s eyes were hyper focused on the digital floor numbers as they got higher. A few seconds after it displayed number five, one floor below the BAU, she turned and looked at him.

“Don’t hate me for this.” She blurted out.

“Excuse me?” Spencer frowned, too tired to try to understand what she meant.

“I couldn’t just let it go.” She shrugged, a guilty smile on her lips.

“Let what go?” His frown deepened.

Her eyes flicked back upwards as the number five rolled into the number six and the elevator started to judder as it prepared to stop.

“Just remember I love you and that’s the only reason I interfered.” She shrugged as the elevator stopped entirely and soon the doors were peeling open.

Spencer looked away from her and out of the open doors to where someone was standing just a few feet back.

Spencer’s eyes landed on the stranger only it wasn’t a stranger. He wasn’t sure how, but he knew exactly who this person was standing on the BAU floor.

He remembered the way JJ had read him your letter and how you’d told him your heart knows his heart.

Well his heart knew yours too. And he knew the heart beating a few feet away from him was yours.

“Y/N?” He croaked, slowly stepping out of the elevator but not too close to you.

“Spencer?” You smiled at him, the kind that reached all the way to your eyes.

Neither of you noticed JJ slipping quietly away, wanting to give you some privacy.

“What are you doing here?” His brows were furrowed and he was rolling his bottom lip between his teeth.

“You’re friend JJ wrote to me. She told me everything that happened to you. And she made me realise that ten years is too long to wait for a first meeting.” Your voice was like honey to Spencer’s ears.

Your prose was beautiful, but hearing the words from your lips as you stood in front of him in all your ethereal glory was more than any letter could convey.

“I…I am actually speechless.” He chuckled, scratching the back of his neck.

“You? Speechless?” You giggled and Spencer felt the sound all the way to his heart.

“You’ll come to learn I am much more of a wordsmith on paper. In person I am incredibly awkward and often trip over my words. I ramble when I’m nervous or clam up entirely, no in between. I spout facts and statistics rather than have a meaningful conversation. I am much more comfortable writing my words down on paper than speaking them out loud.” He let the words spill out of his mouth, proving his point entirely.

“I’ve waited ten years to hear your voice. Please never stop talking.” You smiled so brightly at him he felt like he was floating.

You were here in front of him, not just hidden between pages of letters. You were real, tangible; within his reach.

And suddenly the last thing Spencer wanted to do was talk.

He took a few tentative steps towards you and cautiously raised a hand to your cheek. You sighed in content when he cupped your face and nuzzled against his palm.

“I could talk to you about anything and everything all day long, my love.” He smiled, inching his face closer to yours. “But at this moment in time I have one slightly more pressing desire to do with my mouth rather than speak.”

“Oh yeah?” You wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him closer.

The warmth of your body and your smile encompassed him. As he looked into your eyes, finally looked into your eyes, every bad thing that had ever happened to him slipped away.

“Love starts as a feeling, but to continue is a choice. And I find myself choosing you, more and more every day.” He quoted Justin Wetch’s Bending the Universe.

“Spence?”

“Yes Y/N?”

“As sweet as that is, I thought there were more pressing desires to use your mouth for?”

“If you insist.” He smiled and quickly closed the small space between you.

When his lips finally met yours it felt like all the pieces of the universe were falling into place.

For ten long years you’d communicated in the pages of letters, constructing replies to what felt like one sided conversations that were confined to only live on paper.

As the kiss deepened every single one of those words seemed to float in the air around you, spiralling like a tornado made of a decade worth of missives.

He swore he could hear each and every word whispered to him in the voice he’d longed to hear all these years as he kissed you like you were the most important being on the face of the earth.

And when he pulled back and mumbled I love you against your lips, it was the easiest reply you’d ever given.

#milestone celebration #spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds

989 notes · View notes

drarryspecificrecs · 8 months

Text

2023.08 ~ Top 10 longest fics posted on AO3

1. Good Intentions by Gloworm13 [E, 382k]

►Harry never expected a conversation over returning Draco's wand. [...] Harry can't cope, especially when his group of peers is sent back to Hogwarts to finish their interrupted Seventh Year. And Draco Malfoy is wholly unprepared for facing the love of his life every fucking day now that he knows.

2. About Everything We Fucked Up and Tried to Fix by @zoooooey0610 [E, 246k]

►The time is the Dark Middle Ages, even with Voldemort defeated, the Wizarding world is still a place where Omegas are seen as properties. Couldn’t sleep, Harry came across ‘The Slytherin Wall of Sluts’ that changed the rest of his life, but the cog wheel of destiny may have started to move long before that. Twelve years later, he was confronted with the presents of destiny, and struggled to deal with the mess. However, every step he took seemed to be another mistake.

3. Cut From the Sky by @mallstars [E, 150k]

►"I'm stuck in a time loop, reliving November 2nd. This is the 111th time I've lived through today." Draco stilled. His moody eyes, the tension in his hands where he gripped onto his umbrella, the careful mask of blankness flickering over his face — everything about him was so difficult and so very dear to Harry. "Ah," said Draco, "and?"

4. After the Rain Falls by @shinigami714 [E, 95k]

►After the events of the war, all Harry wants to do is forget. For everything to return to normal. But things never were normal for him, and the war left many marks on him not so easily forgotten. When he receives a surprising offer to return to Hogwarts in a continuing education program, Harry jumps at the chance, and despite his best efforts to deal with his problems alone, discovers along the way that quite often, two minds are greater than one.

5. guard dog by chrismare [?, 63k]

►The first thing Draco ever loved was the Manor. Not the house- it was too big, too quiet, too cold- but the grounds that surrounded it. He grew up on stinging soles, running barefoot through his own little world. One of the house elves had cleaned the tiny cuts on his feet once and told him that he'd get used to it, that he'd grow calluses and it would stop hurting. It never really did.

6. Dating Draco Malfoy by @queenofthyme [M, 60k]

►Draco Malfoy is dating his way through Harry Potter’s endless pool of ex-boyfriends. With the help of Harry’s expert dating advice, he just might find exactly who he’s looking for...

7. Snogging Lessons by Revolocard [T, 58k]

►Harry Potter thought the hardest part about being the Chosen One would be preparing to fight Voldemort. He didn't expect it might actually be missing out on all the normal teenaged stuff. Now in sixth year, Harry feels like an outsider, too worried about being the subject of another Witch Weekly article to try to take part. When he and Draco Malfoy land in a semester's worth of detention, Draco is delighted and horrified to discover the Boy Who Lived is not only a virgin, he doesn't even know how to snog. Secret snogging lessons. It's not like it's anything more than just catching Harry up a bit. What could go wrong?

8. That Marriage Contract by Umeko [E, 54k]

►What happens when the forced marriage and male pregnancy trope combine to spring a surprise on the Boy Who Lived and his arch-rival turned unwitting fiancé? And they all have two dearly departed grandfathers to thank for the mess.

9. Terrible People by @wolfpants [E, 52k] --- ART by @getawayfox

►What happens when Harry and Draco end up on the same Muggle gay cruise? They certainly didn't plan for it to happen (but their friends might have). They're stuck with each other for a week, they might as well make the most of it, right? Featuring a holiday-long game of Truth or Dare, a very ill-judged FWB proposition, decades-long pining, lots of gin, and a small pair of green swimming trunks.

10. and i ignite by @pixiedunhoff [M, 51k]

►Draco Malfoy loves attention - and the Muggle world has given it to him in spades. Through a surprising and humbling series of events, Draco has achieved tremendous success in the music industry. He has recouped his fortune, earned legions of adoring fans, and gets loads of attention. Over the years, it has still never been quite enough… Until the subject of his more sizzling songs abruptly barges back into his life, demanding answers.

—

※ Word count: 1k ~ 10k

※ Word count: 10k ~ 40k

The Best and Worst of Times after the War (aka A Tale of Two Soldiers) by WriterwithaWindow [M, 11k]

breathe in, hold it, breathe out by @autisticnightfury [T, 18k]

chasing embers by ryyss [M, 29k]

Firestarter by Justlikewriting [M, 22k]

For each time I see you, things change a little bit by Writelikethat [M, 10k]

i think i might be gay by @stvrlvghtwrites [T, 10k]

Just Nice Things by wodnica [E, 31k]

No One Likes a Mad Woman by @thomasbrodiesandwich [T, 17k]

only the brave by slytheringoddess945 [T, 10k]

Possibly, perhaps be my boyfriend? by @23ster [G, 16k]

Seek, And Ye Shall Find by @nami-writes [T, 14k]

The Switch by @ashiiblack [M, 11k]

Take Me Back (To The Night We Met) by @onelatenight-longago [T, 12k]

What’s Mine is Yours by @fluxweeed [E, 17k]

—

Ongoing Fest/Exchange

※ Fics would be listed elsewhere.

HD Wireless 2023 | @hd-wireless

HP Bodice Ripper Fest 2023 | @hp-bodiceripper

HP Law of Attraction Fest | @hp-lawofattraction-fest

#drarry #drarry fanfic #drarry fic rec #harry potter #draco malfoy #monthly review #2023

250 notes · View notes

vitanithepure · 8 months

Text

Gale's romance

To absolutely nobody's surprise I am back with my thoughts about Gale and I am honestly surprised how many of you still follow me and interact with what I have to say, love you all so much 😭

Again, a freaking long one (over 1200 words, I wrote fanfics shorter than this...), but I need to get it all out of my system to properly function. Of course spoilers for Gale's story and a bit of the main storyline.

First of all - his introduction. Not less of a jump-scare, but somehow this one seemed to fit him better? He doesn't come out of the portal and begin judging our capabilities, instead we help him out, and if anything - I felt an instant level of sympathy for the wizard falling face first on the ground straight out of an unstable portal.

His bashful "I'm usually better at this."? It just served to even out the field and I love it. I was literally sitting there grinning at the screen and thinking "oh, how the mighty have fallen" :D

We still get all the talks known from EA (apart from the failed spell one? Did anyone manage to trigger it? Did they remove it?), so I won't be going over them again, because there is still a lot of new stuff to go through. Although they seem to fire up differently and it makes Gale seem a lot more considerate. Sure, at first he still hides the exact reasons and I still think it's understandable. In my playthrough he brought up his orb problem on the road, in front of the others with us claiming we need to know about it.

He even leaves us the decision if we want him to stay or not, but we cherish this man in this house, so I have no idea what goes down if and how he leaves. Not really interested in learning that, too.

Him showing us the Weave was as wonderful as it used to, didn't notice any changes here, then again - why change something that just…works? And now, in hindsight, I cannot help but see how it sets the tone for the whole relationship with him, be it romantic or otherwise. He shows you this part of him he loves, tries to show because even he, with all his eloquence, cannot find the right words to express what magic means to him.

I feel as if he was not expecting much from it, judging by the mumbling, adorable mess we made of him just imagining a walk, hand in hand. As we learn later (much later, but I think it's important to mention it here) he never considered being this close to anyone after the orb fiasco. Not because he still loves Mystra but rather he realizes how much of a risk it brings. He himself calls himself a "menace" and that, for me, speaks volumes about his character.

Ok, now onto the new parts, previously unavailable in the EA.

I mentioned my reaction after the first talk with Elminster in another post, but I'll say it again: fuck Mystra.

I was worried that there might not be a way to rid Gale of this cursed orb, I was bracing for the possibility that there might not be a happily-ever-after here. Because he seemed set on going along with Mystra's wishes, and I felt bad for standing between the man and his honest faith. Misguided, not fanatical, just honest faith.

I was thinking "yeah, this will probably happen at the end of the game, we'll cross that bridge when we get there". BUT… one moment we are fighting Kethric Thorm and the next Gale is ready to sacrifice himself. "Wait, it's too soon, it can't end like this, WHAT THE HELL is going on?"

"Fun" fact? Gale can really do it from what I saw and it just… ends the game right there and then. I am not ever going to even consider that a viable option, for anyone. It just makes me sick thinking about it in hindsight.

So yeah, no, sorry Mystra, we are not going along with your stupid plan. It really feels like he went along with it in a shell shock state through the whole act II of the story and it made me feel so bad for him. Gale felt like a complete shadow of himself since his first talk with Elminster.

Can you look me in the eye and with a straight face tell me a man ready to die makes a whole fucking illusionary world for just the two of you, shows you his home, his safe place, tells you he loves you and gives you his all? Yeah, yeah, you can tell me "he doesn't want to regret anything", but that's the point! He already regrets so much, and that means he is not ready to become vapor!

So, in the style of Meredith Grey, we go all in with "choose me" and…wow, does he ever. It was like a switch went off, Gale instantly is back to his old self, already having a plan to make it all work. A terrible idea, worthy of the 10 wisdom stat, mind you, but an idea still.

Of course in the meantime we get another visit from Elminster, who drops a few - actually good! - words of wisdom Gale's way and says Mystra wants to talk. Of-fucking-course she wants to, her pet refused to die and she can't fathom why.

I know the talk can go differently depending on what you suggest him to say, I don't know if we can skip the talk altogether and what are the consequences of that, but on my first playthrough I actually encouraged him to seek forgiveness and the talk went… fucking awful if you ask me. Is there a honest to god good way to do this talk?

Hated it when Mystra went all "oh yes, now that you are alive I'm not taking care of your orb until I send you on yet another suicide run, but don't worry - I believe in you, 'kay-thanks-bye!"

I guess this is faith for you - everything becomes a trial for it.

Moving on! The first big romance scene for act III of the story left me in emotional shambles.

In this moment Gale knows he wants to do *everything* and *anything* for us. He wants to gain power for us, to give us everything we deserve because if he gave Mystra his all he won't be holding back for us. And when we say we don't want it… you can see how absolutely devastated he is - up until he hears what we are really telling him.

"You are already everything I need you to be."

God, the animation here was so amazing, you can practically see the moment realization strikes him. He can live without Mystra, he can live without power, but he can't live without you. That he matters to someone, not for what he can do, but just… for him. And he was never loved that way, he himself says that, much to the dismay of my bleeding heart.

And that is that! Our story with Gale ends here, without a bang, but that is good. Gale is no longer the man he used to be, his ambitions now centered around a happy life with us. And I'm all giddy and teary-eyed for him.

Mind you, the ending felt…rushed? But perhaps that's just me not ready to say goodbye after all this? The game ending is a dash of adrenaline and I felt like there was just not enough time to unwind after. Guess I need to headcanon the rest ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Either way, if you managed to stay to this point - a big thank you for reading!

#gale of waterdeep #bg3 #baldur's gate 3

162 notes · View notes

hollyhomburg · 1 year

Text

Before I Leave You (Pt. 53)

(Sneak Peek)(Omegaverse au, Mafia au, Bts x Reader)

Summary: A snippet of the future- a flash forward- in which you and jimin reach an...agreement.

Tags: pleasure dom Jimin, pillow princess m/c, oral (f. receiving), fingering, knotting, talks of gender and sex, Talks of killing people, talking ill of the dead, assassin! jimin, implied autistic! jimin, Flash Forwards, intentionally vague moments

W/c: 7.770

A/n: please be patient with me regarding the rut chapter ie the chapter after this one! i’m visiting my brother next week in LA so!!! things will take some time. hopefully this little jimin nugget will tide you over. although this isn’t the most unique sex chapter i do really like it. in the meantime! recommend me some stuff to do in la! i’m hoping it’s going to be a restful trip but ngl...it’s not looking great.... i don’t like planning things that other people are going to potentially not enjoy 😠 i’m meant to be a passenger princess threw and threw

Previous Chapter - Masterlist

Chapter 53: I’d do Worse (Sneak Peak)

Jimin promptly takes one of the tubes of paint, a light blue- the same light blue that you ended up painting the upstairs bathroom, and squishes it out onto the canvas below you. Near your hand but not on it.

The breath you were holding rushes out in a single jagged laugh, “Okay, now I’m lost- I thought the whole point of the plastic and drop cloths was not to get paint on them.”

The look he shoots you asks you to suspend your disbelief. Especially once he starts doing that to all the other colors. He continues to drop careful splotches of paint around you. Enough that it would take a lot of concentration to get out of the room without tracking dark blue or pink or yellow or red halfway across the house.

You wonder what exactly Jimin plans to do to you. Paint included. He puts out a spurt of yellow paint on your side and then another.

Surely sooner rather than later, noodle is going to wander in here in search of a pool of sunlight, track his paws or tail through the paint, and leave pawprints everywhere throughout the house. Yoongi will probably complain about them, but you might make him keep them instead of washing them away.

When he’s finished, Jimin turns a yellow tube over in his hands. Back and forth, the cap flashing like a rising and setting small yellow sun. jimin’s voice is low when he speaks, near reverent. “You’re the first woman I was ever with- that I ever knew I was with.”

It’s an admission and an admonishment, one that you and the rest of your pack have been tiptoeing around. Even though Tae’s a woman now- she hadn’t always been- at least not in a way the pack could compensate for. While new lines in the sand are drawn that doesn’t mean the old lines totally fade away. It will take a few more cycles of low and high tide to completely grow used to this.

Jimin fiddles with a small red tube of paint. “I’m a rigid person, I know I am. i don’t like change most of the time and I know, I know things shouldn’t be so planned, I know that’s not the way things usually go but-” You nuzzle close to Jimin, and his words extinguish into a sigh, his hands coming up to your sides, the same place he always likes to hold, between your shoulder blade and your ribcage.

“But you need them to be this way sometimes. Planned? so you can make sure everything’s done right” You press.

He bristles, “If you’re expecting me not to say that I want everything to be perfect when I can make it that way then-”

“You’re such a control freak Minnie.” you say it with a smile, playing your fingers through some of the milky pink white, feeling the tackiness between your fingers.

“You don’t hate it?”

You shrug. “Jin’s that way too sometimes. So no, I guess I don’t hate it. Maybe it’s just because I like- really fucking hate making decisions.”

He grimaces, but Jimin’s eyes dart from your face down to your crossed legs. settling on something. “Do you care if those clothes get dirty?”

“A little- I like these shorts.”

“then you should take them off.” your heart thuds as jimin leans over you, tugging on the strap of your Tanktop with his teeth, lips pressed to the bare skin of your shoulder, dragging them down. He plays at being sexy but decides not to be, settling for leaning his cheek on your shoulder and watching you.

“I had kind of this stupid idea, if you don’t want to do it just say so. This is every shade of pink that we ever painted the house. Tae’s favorite color is pink- and the canvas- i thought it might be nice to have like- some art in her library room- that’s what I meant about making it planned.”

“Are you saying you want to make sex art or something?” Jimin blushes yet again. You should be keeping track of how many times he has and use them for leverage.

“You know gift giving is like, my second love language if that bullshit is to be believed and-”

“-Oh my god you actually do want to make sex art.”

Coming Saturday May 6th at 5pm EST (Time Zone Adjustments Below)

169 notes · View notes

heartssatoru · 10 months

Note

hi hi hello!! how are you? <3

i just wanted to say that i really enjoy your writings! :3

i appreciate the effort you put in this and if you had 1 fan, it would be me. if you had 10 000, i would be one of them and if you had none, ill be dead. <3

also i’ve got a request but feel free to ignore this, its reader x sukuna (omg i cant get enough of him🤭) where we got a cat and we really love it. we always make time for it and spend lots of nights just playing or cuddling if the cats wants so, but one day sukuna starts feeling needy and touch starved so i wonder what he would do?😩

also maybe angst? the cat dies and we lose all motivation but you don’t have to include this..

but yeah, feel totally free to ignore this or change it. thank you! <33

Broo its been a bit, im sorry about this being late. Especially to all the other requesters! I'm lacking motivation right now so take this for now. Thank you for the request!! <33 I didnt know what gender you wanted to the cat to be so I made it a girl I hope thats fine lol😭 and thank you for the kind words! I really appreciate it💕💕 I decided the cat lives, but if you want an angst ver lmk and ill do one!!

Warning: not proofread!

You had gotten a cat cause you wanted one for a long time. Sukuna didnt care at first, but he grew annoyed with her.

He'd ignore her all the time. Refusung to look at her. Sometimes he'd give the cat a glare every now and then.

He finds her annoying. And hates when you say shes your child, cmon now. Not to mention how she steals you from him.

Hes about to force you to sit on his lap or something, but instead the cat is the one sleeping in your lap while you pet her.

No way he's gonna stoop THAT low and be jealous of a cat. He absolutely refuses too.

Ever since that damn cat came along though, you guys hardly ever spend time. Its always with the cat. And he likes being alone with you.

He wouldn't mind if your attention wasn't ALWAYS on the cat. You'll be spending time together and then the damn cat comes and your smothering her in kisses.

You were trying to teach sukuna how to hold her (forcefully) but when you tried handing him her, he gave her a look of disgust and took his hands away.

You almost dropped her, which sukuna chuckled at. But luckily you didn't.

Another thing he hated was how she would always try and eat his food, even foods that had stuff that wasn't good for cats.

Hes done with her, but since he knows you care for her a lot he decides to give her another chance.

You were laying on sukunas lap as he played with your hair. Well, until the devil woke up from her slumber and jumped onto the bed.

He expected you to be respectful for once and not get off from his lap, but you did. And your attention went back to her.

"Did I say you could get up from my lap?" You hear sukunas voice as your petting her. Her fur went up for a split second.

"Aw come on-" you were about to say before being cut off by sukuna "that doesn't answer my question, brat. Did I say you could?"

Your still petting her, you rolled your eyes. Still petting her. Until you feel his hands around you waist. Easily yanking you back into his lap.

He glares at the cat, who is now trying to 'save' you from him. (She fails)

Now his arms are wrapped around your waist. His face nuzzled in your neck. "Damn cat" he mumbles from your neck.

You couldn't even escape cause of how tight his grip was. You both see the cat walking on the bed over to you guys

"Aww! Come here" you pat the empty space left next to you "seriously?" he scoffs. His arms still tightly wrapped around your waist.

#sukuna x reader #sukuna x reader fluff #jujutsu sukuna #sukuna ryomen x reader #ryomen sukuna x reader #Sukuna ryomen x reader fluff #jujutsu kaisen x reader fluff

99 notes · View notes

lucianalight · 5 months

Text

Hi! I'm back :) after another long hiatus😅 I have missed all of you❤️

First of all a huge thank you to everyone who were worried and asked about my health and how I was doing. I wasn't doing well tbh. I'm one of those people who had the misfortune of never quite recovering from covid. I already had one chronic illness that was messing up my life and health. Having another on top of that takes a lot of physical, emotional and mental toll and limits my energy greatly. So I needed time to get used to my new reality and condition and learn to how manage it and live with it. It's still a work in progress and doctor appointments are seeming endless but at least some meds are helping. So there's that.

You probably already know the second reason why I wasn't doing well. I've seen terrible things…And you need time to process them. To grieve, to deal with trauma and survivor's guilt, and nurture your anger and keep fighting, keep resisting…

And well, internet connection still sucks so using social media is kind of an ordeal :D

There were a lot of times that I wanted to come back on tumblr but every time some issue would come up and take my motivation and energy. Then two weeks ago, after I couldn't crush the little ray of hope that maybe this time I'm going to see sth I like, I started watching season 2 of Loki. I watched it while promising myself that I'm not going to care anymore if it's bad, reminding myself that I might see sth as bad as season 1. Still I was surprised that I didn't hate it. On the contrary there were moments that were entertaining and even enjoyable. And those moments were more than the ones I dislike. It was better than season 1 and admittedly that's a low bar since I consider S1 one of the worst tv shows I've ever seen, but there were noticeable changes in pace and tone of the narrative and characterization in S2. Some issues in S1 was addressed. Loki was actually the main character of his series and got to do badass magic stuff :D The characters were flesh out and three dimensional and likable(I love OB so much :D). There was no romance. The ending was great.

There were of course things I didn't like. Removing Loki's backstory and his issues with his family from the story is one of them. How some of his moments in past was addressed. The episodes at times got boring or very predictable. There were times that Loki was ooc or comedic moments that weren't delivered well.

It wasn't perfect but at least acceptable. And probably the best Loki content we got since TDW. And I liked the ending a lot. I found myself keep going back to rewatch some scenes. I found myself analyzing the content happily. I had things to say. So here I am :D basically I'm 100% back to my Loki bs and I'm making it everyone's problem :P

Whether you loved the series or hated it, you're welcome on my blog and you're welcome to send me your opinions and engage with me in discussions and metas. I will tag posts accordingly in case you want to avoid certain content(tbh I still don't know what the new tags will be because I haven't written anything yet but I will make a post when I do).

There will be posts of some new fandoms so block their tags if you don't want to see those posts. The new fandoms are Sandman tv show(I haven't finished the comics so plz don't spoil them for me), Wednesday, My Hero Academia, Shadow and Bone, and The Bifrost Incident.

As I mentioned above I'm dealing with multiple chronic illnesses and have a limited energy each day. I will try to answer your messages, comments and asks as soon as I can but it might take a long time. Sry about that.

And finally a warm welcome to all the new followers and thanks to everyone who are still following me❤️

#back from hiatus #because of loki :D #personal #blog maintenance

68 notes · View notes

campgender · 9 months

Note

Hi, my friend has a chronic illness that flares up sometimes and we've been wanting to hang out but it has gotten cancelled a couple times lately bc of her not feeling well enough on the day. I want to ask her how she feels cuz I care abt her a lot and want an update but 1, I don't want her to feel pressured or like I'm asking just to ask can we hang out now, and not bc I care abt how she's feeling (does that make sense? I may be overthinking this) and 2, I genuinely wanna know how she's doing but idk what to say if she responds with her not being better, sometimes u don't feel better and that's ok but I always want to offer comfort somehow or just convey my friendship? but I feel the same everytime and don't want to sound repetitive ?

Any thoughts?

this is really kind of you & it means so much to me that you want to support your friend & are putting so much thought into it! my response is inherently based in my own experience to an extent & everybody’s different, but a lot if not all of this is stuff i’ve heard regularly from other chronically ill people. of course, don’t say anything you don’t mean – if some of this isn’t the case for you, just adapt accordingly :)

i understand worrying about being repetitive but i think that’s totally okay to do! for one thing, it can be difficult to remember things period when you’re ill, especially during a flare, & for another, internalized + societal ableism is a hell of a force. it never hurts to have a reminder that not everyone is trying to force ableist expectations onto you + your friendship & that someone cares about you!

i think you can definitely tell your friend pretty much what you told me! like, “hey, it’s okay if you aren’t feeling up for responding but i just wanted to check on you! not trying to pressure you to hang out or anything, i just care about you & how you’re doing”

honestly the most important + supportive thing people have ever told me is that it’s okay if the answer is “bad.” i’m literally like surprised pikachu meme every time somebody offers to let me vent about having a rough time & then it helps me just to talk about it. it’s really socially unacceptable to talk about chronic pain & a lot of people get frustrated when you’re complaining about the same thing & there’s not really anything they can do, so just the opportunity to be like “yeah shit fucking sucks right now” means a lot.

obv the appropriateness of this depends on the person & their relationship to disability but most of the time i’m very like, radical acceptance / embracing / etc about the fact that i’m probably just gonna get sicker, so sometimes when i’m having a rough time emotionally & am like “what if i’m this bad for the rest of my life” my gf (who doesn’t have chronic pain / chronic illness) will say something like “then i can’t wait to be there with you ❤️” & it’s more meaningful to me than i can begin to put into words.

again everybody’s different but for me one of the biggest things is when disability stuff just… isn’t a big deal to the other person. which, it’s totally okay for you to need support from others when someone you care about is going through a hard time & when things change! but abled people are constantly horrified about like, every aspect of my life, so being able to talk casually about symptoms & somebody mirror the mood / tone i set – laugh if i’m joking, be upset about the ableism i experience & not my body itself if i’m complaining about people being weird about it, taking things as they come – is so affirming.

other things that have been helpful + meaningful for me are friends sending me notes, stickers, & art in the mail – having something tangible can make me feel more “real” & part of the world, something i struggle with due to being homebound – & peer support around medical neglect, which often just looks like talking to someone after a doctor’s appointment & them reaffirming my reality / experiences & saying i didn’t deserve to be treated that way.

oh one other change in language i’ve made over time & probably picked up from a few other ill people in my life is a sort of realistic encouragement – there’s not necessarily anything wrong with “i hope you feel better soon!” because like, i get that the message is well-intentioned, but it can be awkward & difficult to receive when you don’t know if that’s gonna happen. instead, i try to tell people something like “i hope you get a bit of relief soon” or “i hope things are a little easier tomorrow.” a 7/10 pain day may be horrifying for most people, but when you’ve had a streak of 9s, it can be a much-needed taking the edge off, & i try to make space for that breadth of experience in my language.

i’ve answered a few similar questions before so i’ll add my “asks” & “faq” tags on my chronic illness blog in the reblogs if you want to browse! much love to you & your friend and feel free to lmk if you have any other questions 💓💓

#asks #chronic illness

89 notes · View notes

abyster · 1 year

Text

"Pocket Doctor" / Simon "Ghost" Riley x GN!Reader / Head-canons

SWF; Fluff ; Mentions of canon violence; Reader is war survivor; Illness; No mentions of Y/N, bad English.

Disclaimer: I got this idea basically from myself cause a few days ago i've found out about my scoliosis lol. That's the reason why you getting some sweet stuff right now ;)

(Maybe i will write some domestic head canons later)

So, lets get started

°When you got into team, they noticed something off about you. Maybe it was your behaviour, maybe exceptional mannerism of yours, or the fact that you were always wearing a respirator. Guys tried to make jokes, to liberate you a bit, which rarely worked. The first time they heard you chuckle was when Ghost said some stupid joke over the coms. Team can not believe it and still think that it was just an radio interference.

°When you met Ghost for the first time the only thought was "He is so big...Damn, is he German?"

° " How can a such a young person have such old eyes?", Price asked you once, laying in med bay. After a short pause and a quick glance he got his answer.

"I read a lot"

°Being field medic means making controversial decisions. The Team questioned your morality a lot of times which blowed their minds when they tried to think like you. And they stoped for their own good. Sometimes, you just need to stop asking questions. It can be for the best.

"A doctor with a gun, ironic, is it not?"

"Shut it , Skull-boy."

°When you cooked something , guys were head over the heels for you. With "It's a one time event, and I won't cook for you ever again." you put the dish on the common table and tried to go out into the sunset. Obviously no one let you to do so, and you got to know others a bit better. "Huh, never thought that something interesting was about them , besides the files"

"This is delicious, where did you learn to cook like that?" Price asked you.

"I've learnt everything by myself. It was hard getting food in warzone, so i tried to make cool stuff basically from shit and sticks." Price fell silent. It's a good thing that due to Ghosts and Soaps drunkenness they will not remember a thing from this talk.

Hours went like the minutes. It was over a 11 pm and while you were able to drag Soap into his room (After he got beaten up in alcohol competition by Ghost) , when you returned into the living room and saw Ghost, big buffed 6,4 guy , laying on the couch like a starfish, the first thought was "Nuhuh, nope, not gonna do this" . Turning your back to him, you went straight to your room. Well, about 5 meters until you decided to cover the poor guy with your big scarf.

In the morning you head a few knocks on your door.

"Come on in, mysterious stranger." You said with your back turned against the visitor. While looking into laptop you waited for his next move.

"Thank for blanket" Ghosts voice was quite recognisable, just as his heavy steps.

"It's a scarf" Silence fell as you were thinking of answer . "You are welcome. Put it on bed, please"

° After that accident Ghost became a bit less colder to you. It appeared in small details. The tone he spoke to you changed a bit, he knew what kind of tea you preferred.

"You sure you are not brit too, Doc?" Mockingly asked Price at your quiet tea session in kitchen.

"Shut it, moustache-man."

If tea is not up to your liking, Ghost will not stop until he will find tea type that you will like. Sweet big boi :)

° Raindrops washed away blood from your face, as you were sitting near stone wall and wincing painfully. You both needed to take a break from all of this. Ghost thought you were out of your mind when you started to read to him poems on another language.

"Huh, that one sounded nice. What's it about?"

"Uhhh, basically about tha fact that humans are not birds, but all have wings. In metaphorical sense obviously. Yeah, i'm going crazy a bit, sorry". Then both fell silent . Being talkative was not one of Ghosts character traits. So you tried again.

"Hey, remember when you said about being a Doc with a gun?"

"What about it?" Answered Ghost, with his soar voice.

"I... I do not like guns . Like, at all. Only in case of self defence."

"You realise that you were creating a bio weapons just like... a year ago?"

"... There is a difference." You coughed blood while Ghost helped you to stand up. "I guess he doesn't like me at all"

° There was a strange connection between you and Simon, no one denied it. A lot of thing happened between you and Ghost since you joined 141 squad. Mainly it was a small intimate things you both enjoyed. The way you fixed his masks "out of boredom", the way he behaved himself around you. For once, you have found a great listener. It is a shame though, that he has fallen asleep during most of your lections on quantum mechanics. After that every morning he went straight into your room to return scarf that you lend to him. Sometimes it felt like you do not need words to communicate. And when you did, it was a story for another day.

°You and Soap were heading towards meeting room when to yours surprise he spoke "You said you did not have a favourites."

"Huh ?I do not". With a tilt of a head you answered.

"Then why do you always laugh over Ghosts jokes? They're stupid as hell"

All of a sudden you stopped in the middle of the hall. So did Soap.

"Oh"

°While on missions, he thought you were just being overdramatic with how exhausted you were. Truth came out when Soap searched for shirt you borrowed from him and found an X-ray image of your spine and Ghost came in. After that there was a big talk about how even they let you into an army.

"Yep, that's one of the reasons i do not like to actively participate in missions... I'm also flat footed by the way :) "

°With that kind of relationship Simon met a lot of your quirks. If you meet him in the corridor and you are going in the same direction , things happen.

Glance was shared between you and the guy in skull mask. You hands were straightened and pointed into his direction. You know, no one was surprised when they saw Ghost giving you piggyback ride to the meeting room. No one dared to say a thing.

°First time when when you hugged Ghost was in quite drunk state. You did not regret anything, though.

Ghost will remember until the end of his life how team stared at you both when you hands embraced Simon and you whispered "Boobs~". Who would Soap be, if he didn't took a picture?

° When you cuddles for the first time it was your initiative, which is not surprising. Ghost did not gave his answer right away, but if you wanted to, he was willing to try. Usually he is big spoon, but when you held his face in your hands he melts. Out of words when you gave pecks on his mask.

"Hey, Ghost, you wear mask because of anonymity or it's a phycological thing?" That question got him in stupor.

"Why are you asking?"

"It's nothing, really", after long stare from Simon you gave up, "I'm just interested in length of your hair. I mean, if you do not show your face than you cut your hair by yourself, and if you not...Sorry, i'm mumbling again"

"Is' alright ...I have short hair."

"Huh, cool. Can i touch it ?"

"Hm...Maybe"

At that evening, at the dead of night, Simon Riley was curled in your embrace, while your fingers played with his hair. Yep, he definitely need a normal haircut.

° When you both got your vacation time, since he had nowhere to go, the guy was quite shocked with the fact that you invited him to your apartment. Like, really-really shocked.

° "Hey, remember the thing i said that "If i truly love a person, i would rather cure anything that's possible in the person that i love, than to buy him flowers?" Simon gave you a nod, drinking tea at your kitchen.

"Well, here is a therapy abonnement just for you..."

#cod x reader #cod mw22 #cod mw2 headcanons #cod mw2 soap #cod mw2 ghost #cod ghost #simon ghost riley #simon ghost riley x reader #simon riley x reader #simon riley #ghost x gn reader #simon riley x gn reader #simon ghost riley x gn reader #ghost headcanons #simon riley headcanons

316 notes · View notes

fruitybashir · 2 days

Note

Has Bojan ever told Kris "I love you" in Serbian and he didn't realize? (we see Bojan mutters a lot of Serbian, but we don't know what)

oh interesting!!! lets go there

so this is funny bc originally, a big part of bojan's ch16 crisis wouldve been that he accidentally said "i love you/volim te" to kris when they had sex in ch15, then realising that the next morning and freaking out about it. i switched it up mostly for two reasons:

a) the "shit we took it too far" moment ended up being having unprotected sex which, again, i hadnt originally planned lol it just sorta happened. and i like it better that way bc in their context, that is very much an admission and an act of love, without either of them explicitly saying it. and it gives bojan a (very flimsy excuse of an) exit route from his crisis where he tells himself that as long as neither of them has said it out loud, they can still just go back.

and b) i dont know about actual kris, but holidate kris doesnt exactly speak or understand serbian fluently, but he does recognize a few words here and there. like curse words bojan regularly uses mostly but also. stuff you just pick up when you live in the area of another language if that makes sense? like how im from germany but ill recognize a few words and sentences here and there from polish, dutch, french, etc just bc. its stuff you kinda pick up from proximity and having music with different languages in the charts.

and a "volim te" would have definitely been recognisable to kris, its not something he wouldve overheard or not have understood. and that would just have changed his whole perspective in ch16 bc bojan would have told kris he loves him only to then fuck off and say hey lets just be friends. it would have been a very different crisis on his part then, knowing bojan loves him but for some reason doesnt want him vs actual ch16 wondering where he'd gone wrong, thinking bojan had figured out kris had feelings for him but not feeling the same and that pushed him away etc etc

so uhh. what was the question again? oh yeah.

bojan speaking serbian. this is one of those "idk man i just write the guy" instances kinda, i dont have any exact words or sentences in mind?

had to go back and check where bojan speaks serbian actually

exhibit nr.1: just various curses for sure

exhibit nr.2: ummm probably also just like fuck me but in serbian? maybe smthn like "need you in me" etc like maybe just something filthy and desperate lmao

exhibit nr.3: a lot of sweet talking mostly, telling kris how amazing he feels, in him and under him, how he loves being so close to him, how good he makes bojan feels ummmm idk i cant come up with anything deep or poetic rn but basically just a loooot a lot of sweet talk and praise and basically saying how much he loves kris without actually saying the words for it. does that make sense?

but with all things that are left vague: its up for interpretation if you have something else in mind. bojan could be reciting the manual to his microwave for all i know.

#inbox #sparkles-oflight #was so convinced id keep it semi short and coherent but oh well. not beating the rambling allegations #lore

14 notes · View notes

doodle17 · 3 months

Text

Psychonauts 3 minor antagonist >:)

D'Artagnan Astubelief! The "mystery" person who's been framing Raz! Or at least one of the people behind it...

Im still trying to figure out was his motivation could be... I was thinking maybe his Aunt who I might make (at least One of) the main antagonist could be influencing him, but I still need a motivation. I'd love to hear any ideas!

I also updated his lore! Like- a lot! I'll put it under a read more >:)

*None of this official, btw. all of this based purely off my headcanons*

D'Art used to be born Psychic, but I changed it to where he was actually born NON-psychic, but becomes psychic due to some.... Stuff

SO D'Arts mom, Natasha, got super sick while she was pregnant with D'arts little sister, Ania. Unfortunately, after Ania was born, Natasha was so weak she couldn't fight her illness and she passed a few days later.

D'Art's dad, Ronan, was so overcome with grief over his wife, that it had a huge impact on D'art and his family.

Fast forward about 5-ish years, right as Ronan is finally starting to recover from the loss if his wife, D'art gets the same sickness. And similarly to his mother, he dies. Ronan is once again absolutely crushed by the death of his youngest son. At this point, he can't take the loss of another loved one anymore, and on one rainy night goes to see his aunt.

Dr. Vladlena Astubelief is studies in the paranormal. Including necromancy and re-animation. But don't let the "Dr." In her name fool you, a lot of her experiments are very cruel and botched. Unfortunately, Ronan is also very desperate.

He begs for her to help bring D'art back. She's only ever experienced on dead animals, so she was very delighted to be given the chance to experiment on an actual person. She took D'Art's body and sent Ronan back to the rest of his family, saying if all goes well she'll return D'art herself.

Fast forward 2 botched surgeries/dissections, and replacing bits of his non-psychic brain with psychic bits, which were totally not stolen, and Ronan gets a call, saying D'Artagnan will be dropped off, alive and well.

D'Art is returned back to his family, so things are all fun and good now! Right?... Well...

Yes, D'Art is back, but his personality and behavior is very different. He used to be very energetic and bright. Playing with his siblings and helping out with chores best he can, always willing to lend a hand. After he came back, he became distant and cynical. Appearance wise, he also looked a lot more pale, his hair even started to turn white, when it was originally jet black like his dad's

It turned white thanks to his Aunts experiments, and also the fact that he's basically half alive

#doodles rants #psychonauts #psychonauts 2 #Psychonauts 3 #d'artagnan #D'Artagnan Astubelief #Psychonauts d'art #psychonauts fanart

21 notes · View notes

emoangel44 · 2 months

Note

HI RAXZ IT TOOK LONGER THAN EXPECTED AS IT'S BEEN A WEEK BUT!!! DURING ALL THAT I DIDN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT YOUR FIC/S It's just one of those pieces of fanwork that leaves so much of an impression on someone, that it just ends up sticking and changing what you initially thought of a character, because of how well done the things most would just move aside or chalk up for simple reasons. you seem to be the only person who really does get Chara like no other, and I hope it's not strange to say you write them almost as if you know them or you are them that I'm sorta afraid nothing else will live up to how you written them and asriel in ur fan fic LOL but no matter... i will prevail. I love how you were able to portray charas self hate and self harm, i love how you didn't hold back on the ugly side of it and how far and disturbing it can be especially for someone as young as chara. There's just something so realistic about it that don't see alot anywhere else.

I also like how you made asriel be childish, childish in a way a kid can be bratty or selfish(?) in the first half, that might not be a good descriptor but my puter is lagging from the many many words I've written for this ask so I'm making do </3 the point is you really know how to write these kids. Also enjoy that the tone of each fic is starkly different from one another, asriels pov feels grounded in comparison to charas inner thoughts

HOPEFULLY this all makes a little sort of sense, I've read both of ur fics three times so I'm praying it does, amen. ANYWAYS……. Love ur brain, would love to hear any thoughts you have on utdr in general if you ever decide to share em…. godbless. perhaps i couldve worded this better in a diffrent time but oh well, we ball. i hope u have a great day emoangel44🫡 will be looking forward for ur new utdr stuff

FIORE!!! i have been waiting for this day.. thank you so much. ive had several people say that i really get chara including like, literal veteran chara fans. its very nice to hear, theyre pretty important to me as a character. which is rather funny because the only analysis ive ever actually written on them that wasnt fanfiction was an essay on how i think theyre kind of actually a little poorly written LOL. to understand someone you have to know their weakpoints i guess... even if on a meta level.

for my asriel interpretation i try to incorporate a lot of "flowey-isms" as i say. the way i see asriel is that he was always a bit of a bratty, selfish kid that struggled with low empathy. he chooses to do what he thinks is right because he knows its right and not because it provides him with positive feelings himself... i think thats even more admirable. as opposed to this is think chara is high empathy which is part of the reason they did what they did. asriel is just way more of a people person than chara and so comes off as more understanding, charas just naturally a bit off-putting no matter how hard they try not to be.

chara and asriel are quite different people so i tried to make that clear in how i write their perspectives. chara is kind of stuck in their own head and lives in a world with walls of misery and think prose. theyre very direct but also very metaphorical. its a weird combination but it gets easier to write when taking in account their canon dialogues (one day youll get a fic from me with a more light hearted tone where chara will get to make their dog puns and nerd jokes. maybe). this is also the reason i write them with a strange mix of first and second person. it just feels natural for our narrator.

asriel on the other hand is much much more of an emotional person and is much less formal in how he thinks. he has a lot more filler words and "i-think"s and "i-feel"s and such.

i figure ill write a bit on what inspired each fic.

for my chara fic, i actually started writing it while bored in class. it was inspired a narration line in one of the fights in undertale, the one i used for the summary. the main thing i wanted to play with was metaphors and metaphors upon metaphors. mainly related to charas self hatred though the lense of soil and dirt and flowers and gardens because of course.

for my asriel fic, the main thing i wanted to play with was, quite obviously, writing from asriels perspective. i had already written 2 fics from charas perpective (the 1st one isnt as good as the other two and was mostly written as a characterization and perspective test) so i figured it was time to give him a turn, especially since it we only realy got a peak and asriels personality through charas eyes and i wanted to show it off more. the other thing that the fic ended up centering on is something my friend said to me about how they felt my chara characterization was screaming to be understood under all the hurt. basically the thesis of this fic is "asriel did not fully get chara but he was also the closest anyone ever got by a long shot which counts for something".

if youd like to see my other undertale stuff, here is some poetry ive written about chara (and asriel), here is my art tag which is full of stuff with them (alternatively, just use my undertale tag if you dont want art of anything else), here are my chara and asriel playlists that i always listen to while writing, and here is that chara essay i mentioned.

speaking of my thoughts on utdr... i actually dont post the majority of them. but id absolutely love to talk about them. so if you (or anyone else) have any questions about my thoughts on utdr or want to start a discussion about it Please do. Im actually begging you. i need more engagement guys send me asks. thank you for reading this absurdly long response

#raxz.ask #undertale

14 notes · View notes

sleepy-vix · 3 days

Note

What would your ideal book be like (as in, what theoretical book would be your absolute favourite) what genre, page count, setting, characters, etc would it have?

oohhhh this is such an interesting ask. hmm i'll have to lay this out in dot points

BE READY FOR LOTS OF TEXT!

also i am indecisive and messy so my opinions will probably change idk T-T

alr here we go

- genre: psychological novel? im not exactly sure what the genre is but i love when books follow a mentally ill character that's just trying their best to navigate through life, and the book is about the way they interact with their surrounds and respond to issues and cope with their past and come to decisions, iykwim?

BUT I WANT FANTASY in it too so it will be epic. i love fantasy world building and i love when it makes so so so much sense. it would be cool if they had elements and got sorted into elemental groups too- that is so satisfying and fun to read.

- page count: probably 500. personally i think a normal book is 300, and it seems daunting when it's got like 700 pagesz but considering that this is my ideal book, i think i'd be sad if it had less than 400 pages (cus the story would be over soon) so i'd say 500 pages is the perfect amount.

- setting: in terms of time, i never really cared for it. i realise that i should probably have a preference on which century i like to read, but i find that characters can be mentally ill and epic no matter if they are from the future or the past.

in terms of location, hmm i wouldn't want to read about a character being anywhere with tropical or summery vibes. i like my characters knee deep in snow and drenched from head to toe in rain. it keeps them depressed and relatable ^^ (/hj....?)

oh also it would be cool if the country and places were mad up, since that this is a fantasy.

WAIT OR asia. i am obsessed with books that focuses on/is based off asia :)

- characters: trios are the best and i will die on that hill. ok like i dont need the trios to be together 24/7 but i need there to be THREE main characters if you know what i mean. one of them can be an antihero idc. it just has to be THREE.

oh also i love to read in the perspective of characters who are ambitious and feisty and impulsive because they're the opposite of me. but also i'd like them (idc abt gender) to be cunning, witty and good at making plans.

another character that i need in the trio is the smart one. there HAS to be a smart side character or else i will NOT fall in love with the book. i need the character who makes all the entensive plans. i need the character who is a walking dictionary. i need the character who hates to fight and would rather be learning but is somehow good at it and therefore forced to fight alongside the makn character. (oopsies im just describing the poppy war. but that is not a crime ;])

if its a soldier poet king trio i will be obsessed with it forever and ever

ok so for the stuff that u didnt ask but im gonna include:

-writing style: advanced. work my mind to death but enrichen it at the same time. i dont mind a difficult and layered magic system- in fact i LOVE THOSE, as long as they make sense and they are creative. do not give me that "she let out a breath she didnt know she was holding" bs.

i want "the night circus" level description when it comes to settings. i need to see taste hear smell FEEL the fucking surroundings

-vibe: doomed from the start. i dont want my characters to be happy. make me fall in love and then break my heart and do not apologise for it :,) (shit am i masochistic? damn)

- others: it would be cool if it is somehow relevant to our present irl current political state/ real world problems. it would be even cooler if it somehow fits a ton of mitski songs. also gayness is very welcomed

yeahh thats all i got for now. oops i wrote alot. at the start of my reply i was thinking along the lines of solitaire and crime and punishment and no longer human, but then it was all scrapped and i based it all off of the poppy war trilogy because it did fantasy and character dynamics/personalities/backstories SO RIGHT.

tysmmm for this ask. i would love to ask it right back, but i dont know who you are :(( ahsvsj feel free to tell me anyways tho in my askbox as an anon !!

*this was not proofread

#asks #vix's library

13 notes · View notes

twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat · 2 months

Note

friend i listened to “spring thief” by yorushika and it’s been on repeat for the past hour… please give other song recs by yorushika that you like 🫡 ALSO YOUR FIC WAS SO PRECIOUS AND THE SONG WORKED SO BEAUTIFULLY WITH YOUR WRITING/REALLY ENHANCED THE VIBE OMFG oh 2 live in an apartment w sashisu and get breakfast made daily by suguru <3 - @dollsuguru

KAIROOO MY ANGEL i still haven’t read ur rb of the fic (saving it as a treat for later today :3 hehe) BUT TYSM FOR READING AND FOR UR KIND WORDS ILYSM 🥺🥺🥺 with that being said ……..

WAHHHHH I’M SOOO OVERJOYED THAT U LISTENED TO THE SONG???? ISN’T IT AMAZING????? yorushika makes me fully insane they’re my favorite band Ever hhhhh i’m so glad u thought it added to the fic 😭😭 their songs are all super nostalgic and bittersweet and summery so they’re just . perfect for sashisu & stsg.. u asked for more recs so ofc i will deliver >:3

i genuinely don’t think there’s a single yorushika song that doesn’t hit so i have like 25873 favorites BUT here are some standouts….. some have mvs and others don’t but yorushika’s lyrics are genuinely so so beautiful and incredible so i’ll make sure the links take u somewhere u can read them <3

blooming in that summer

my absolute favorite <333 like, absolute favorite. it changed my life. i want to live in it. the lyrics are insane the instrumental is out of this world and the final chorus always always gets to me. i’ve cried listening to it bc it’s just so so good AND it’s also the most stsg song ever so i cry when i listen to it and think of them (someone made an animatic of stsg with this song that quite literally lives in my brain rent free u can find it here) <33

hachigatsu, bou, tsukiakari

another of my absolute absolute faves!! lyrics are so good i cried, instrumental is so good i cried, and the final chorus . makes me cry. notice how i’m already repeating myself bc literally all of these songs are incredible in every possible way aaa ALSO the singing 😵‍💫😵‍💫 esp at the end. there’s so much emotion in it and it makes me sick actually whewww

replicant

another absolute favorite :33 (i’m gonna be saying this for all of them i think but i mean it sincerely ok…) kairo this one makes me ill. it’s so gojo coded. it’s Him. the lyrics just remind me of him sm (they’re incredible btw the final line makes me batshit insane) AND THE INSTRUMENTAL??? might be my fave yorushika instrumental ngl don’t quote me on that tho 🙏🙏 just such a lovely summery song it smells like seasalt and tastes like clouds :3

kamisama no dance

AAAA ANOTHER ABSOLUTE FAVORITE kairo this one is getocoded. i knowwww you’ll understand. some of my favorite yorushika lyrics Ever and that’s saying a lot. it also has crazy lore bc it’s connected to this whole story being told in some of yorushika’s albums and :((( yeahhh. this one feels kairocoded to me but that might just be bc it’s so getocoded LMAO i have a feeling you’ll like it though!!

robber and bouquet

THIS ONE IS SOOO LOVELY the instrumental…. 😵‍💫😵‍💫 i love it sm. i’d say this one is kinda different from classic yorushika stuff but in a very good way!! also i’m legally obliged to inform u that this one is tojicoded as HELL i associate him w the lyrics so much…. also i adoreee the way suis sings in this one her voice is so gorgeous wowowow… the sense of fatigue…… so good

just a sunny day for you

A CLASSIC but for very good reasons . the mv is just gorgeous, the lyrics are stunning and the instrumental is sooo nostalgic and summery n bittersweet :((( just the best. sashisu coded also!!!

aaaand finally here’s their yt channel!! there are so many other songs i adore that i wanted to mention but i think these r enough for now 😭 oh but here’s also a yt channel that makes lyric videos for their songs in case u wanna find some more!! :3

#HOPE U LIKE THEM MWAH <33 #would love to hear if there’s a particular one u enjoyed hehe !!#anyway kairo i’m absolutely ill abt yorushika so if u want general album recs i’m always here… lurking……..#two of the albums are connected and have a story that i just think is soooo beautiful and stsg coded :((#TYSM AGAIN for reading the fic and listening to the song and taking the time to send this :’3 u r the sweetest always !!#i’m not sashisu but i am in fact making u breakfast as we speak ☕️🥞🍳🥓 making sure ure happy n healthy <33 #i love uuu kairo !! have fun w the songs <333 #ask tag ✩#kairo !! ✩

13 notes · View notes

y0urnewhyperfixation2 · 8 months

Text

autistic rwby hcs

ive been seeing a lot of autistic rwby hcs so here's some of my own :)) it's very unorganized so good luck (totally was not projecting throughout all of this)

RUBY - the autistic silly ever i love her sm. we already see in the show, even the manga she's crazy obsessed with weapons so I'll take that as either her special interest or hyperfixation. i like to hc that when she was little she rambled abt weapons to mainly yang, but when she went to beacon she began talking abt them more to blake. sometimes even weiss would listen (but again, mainly blake). ALSO ruby cannot understand social cues for her LIFE (me fr). This is a common trait many autistic people share. Overall, she has trouble communicating and interacting with others in v1. In one of the first few episodes (ep 2 i think) she seems to oppose the idea of making new friends when Yang brings it up. This could hint at a small disliking for change (that she eventually learns can be a good thing). when she was younger i like to imagine that ruby wouldn't really have a sense of fear, and would often get herself into dangerous situations that yang or summer had to pull her out of. impulsive ruby perhaps. probably a clumsy little kid too. now these are just hcs so i hc ruby as a leg bouncer. i think she'd stim the most out of all of rwby and just can't keep still no matter what (maybe AuADHD ruby rose idk just an idea). I think ruby would enjoy hand-flapping when she's excited, and she's usually bouncing on her toes or swaying on her feet bc shes so restless. chewing her nails too when she's anxious. I like the idea that ruby would sit down and rock herself when she's distressed (again, totally not projecting). hc that ruby would also despise eye contact. also i think ruby would absolutely hate the texture of eggs, idk why. ruby also has meltdowns from time to time, but they increase in numbers the closer they get to v9 and worsen. ALSO ALSO ALSO ruby has trouble controlling her volume, incorrect pitch tone and speed. basically ruby is very autistic to me :D

WEISS - weiss is a trickier one tbh but I CAN SEE IT. ok so yknow that one time in v2 (or 3 idk) where weiss wont shut up abt the vytal festival and remnant world history n stuff. and that other time she starts talking to ruby abt vale's communication tower and the history behind it. i know she's probably just invested in that stuff bc shes weiss and she was also from another country (atlas), but STILL. i think she would hyperfixate on that stuff. she would like to just compile the weirdest most random facts ever abt the world around her and just start spouting them out at everybody bc it makes her so happy. this makes people think she's a know-it-all though, so :( which also leads into my hc that weiss was forced to mask her autism for a LONG time in Schnee Manor. her father thought she had some "illness" and took the ableist route (sounds familiar). i think this would lead to weiss being insecure abt her autism and having that sinking feeling of needing to be "fixed". dw, weiss begins to embrace and accept her autism the more time she spends with rwby :) also, even if weiss is pretty sarcastic herself i think she had trouble understanding sarcasm back at beacon. she got a little better at deciphering it over the next few volumes but ultimately she has trouble sussing it out sometimes. i also think that weiss would bounce her leg when she's nervous, probably twirl her pencil. her voice gets noticeably higher in the show when she's excited (like when she met with Winter), so i hc that she squeals when shes super happy. she would enjoy organizing as well. maybe she'd even use singing as a vocal stim. at first, i think weiss would've hated being touched, but then she shifts to be absolutely touch-starved. (she likes yang and ruby's hugs the best bc the deep pressure calms her) and also we all know weiss probably sucked at making friends if she ever had the opportunity. she probably also is crazy good at spotting even the smallest details and observations and stuff. ive also considered bpd weiss but y'all arent ready for that discussion

BLAKE - now i'll be honest: i haven't actually thought abt autistic blake a lot. the thought kinda just skimmed my mind im sorry ;w; but we all know blake would hyperfixate on her books. a bunch. ngl she'd probably be that one person in the fandom writing a whole lot of fanfics idk why. maybe she had a small hyperfixation for wildlife and nature when she was little. i can see her being one of those kids who enjoyed playing in the grass and collecting bugs in Menagerie. in the show (beacon arc) we do know that blake is more reserved and it takes a while for her to trust, and its probably bc of her past relationship with adam but shhhhh. BUT at the beginning of v1 we do notice that blake prefers to be alone, and this is different from the whole 'running away bc she thinks she's endangering everyone else' thing. like, at the beginning of v1 she's implied to be mildly annoyed at yang's attempts to befriend her, and she immediately walks away from ruby the first time they met. many autistic people prefer to be alone and blake may have been one of those people. again, just my hcs. i think blake would've had a slightly similar case to weiss, masking her autism around adam. (but less extreme and she stopped masking earlier than weiss.) ghira and kali probably got her diagnosed at a young age, so blake's always been aware of her autism and overall, she doesn't have a big problem with it. i think (mainly post v9) blake would sometimes purr or like yknow hum to soothe herself. i can also see her organizing and rearranging stuff. she would also run her fingers and twirl her hair a bunch. i also think blake would be the most affected from loud noises, and she owns a pair of modified cat-ear headphones for this. blake's social battery is drained pretty easily too.

YANG - haven't thought of her that much either ;w; but i think her special interest would be motorcycles or smth like that. similar to blake, maybe she was obsessed with nature at some point, like bugs and birds. i think yang would also find comfort in deep pressure. probably owns a heavy-weighted blanket (she and ruby would cuddle up underneath it when they were both overwhelmed as kids). yang probably bounces her leg too when she's nervous, maybe taps her fingers on the desk or chews her pencil. i think yang would also struggle with managing her emotions and has several methods to calm herself down. oh and yeah i think yang would've been diagnosed at a young age. she doesn't really know whats "wrong" with her at first, but comes to accept her autism pretty easily after that. when she was little i think she had a rough time making friends. she was always too loud and couldn't control her volume. taiyang has always made an effort to understand yang's autism and tries to help her in any way he can (yang gets a little annoyed by it). oh no yang is a hard one too uhhhh lemme think. yang would've loved certain sweet, flowery smells and fluffy textures as a kid, and often went to them seeking comfort. maybe scented pillow or smth. i think she would've also been those kids to carry around a comfort object like a stuffed animal everywhere (ruby does this too). probably one of those kiddos to also get hurt a lot, so summer would have to patch her up almost every day after school. yang learns to be more careful and watchful of her steps later on. i feel like yang would also be kinda picky abt what clothes and fabric she wears bc of the texture.

my brain juices are dead so those are my autistic rwby hcs. uhm yay bye help this took hours for some reason even though nobody is gonna see this lol

#rwby #rwby thoughts #greenlight rwby volume 10

35 notes · View notes