#lol i tried to kms last week
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#lol i tried to kms last week#but im fine#physically i mean#everything is terrible actually#hate where i live#my job#my heart is obliterated#my friends are sick of me#i have nothing
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Tw:3d block don’t report!
3dtwt > jka1107
⋆˚࿔ 30 days 𝜗𝜚˚⋆
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D1
28/3/24
H: 150cm Cw: 48 Ugw: 35
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D2
150cm… it’s not really it makes me look so wide
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D3
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Hair loss and lack of attention :(
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I can’t stand the feeling of f@t on me
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D6
Nope… I eat over my planed cals but not enough to call it a binge I think?
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D7
My mom is suspicious and keeps telling me that I’m skinny?? I’m literally almost overweight lol
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D8
I don’t have a set workout routine but I have a workout playlist and I just choose one most of them are like 10-20 mins haha… im trying to workout more tho :)
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Honestly only my mom used to call me fat :)
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Snacking haha…
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My old blog :)
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D12
A lot lol… but usually whatever I have to eat in front of my family :( living with my family makes it so hard to st@rv3 for long
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I mean this is pr0@n@ so… but seriously I have no idea how to lose weight in a healthy way I just st@rv3 and wish for the best haha
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D14
35kg and I hope to reach it by July!
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D15
I stopped eating meat for a while but it really doesn’t help if you’re still eating the same cals plus I need the protein :)
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D16
When I was 12 due to being fat shamed so much
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Cant say I feel like a w@nn@rexlc and I don’t binge or starve that hard?? I feel like I’m faking it honestly
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Carbs :)
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D19
last week 🥲 I only had a slice of pizza but that was like 300cals😭
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⭐️ving 😃 but seriously low cal high volume is the best way to lose weight and not my sanity
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D21
xs-s but I feel like sizes are getting bigger honestly
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D22
If we’re counting from when I started then I’m technically at my lowest 🥲 but i remember being 45kg when I was 10 I gained mostly during puberty I’m trying to get back to it now only 3kg left :)
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D23
I mean it’s a huge factor especially since im into K-pop and yknow how there standards are :) and it kinda triggers me in a good way? Like I feel that most of them are disordered and some of them actually admitted to it
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D24
I don’t know honestly about calling it “pro”
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I’ve tried a couple of times and succeeded a few times but it’s so hard and sometimes I barely thr0w up half the food so it’s so not worth it
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D26
Being skinnier than girls I’m jealous of :) and also wearing tiny clothes and looking cute
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honestly depends on my mood sometimes there could be tons of food but I won’t feel like eating and sometimes where the fridge is empty I get intense cravings 😭
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yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes
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D29
I guess thin, clear skin, tall ish, long healthy hair, good style, and of course personality matters
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D30
I’m 18 i take programming engineering
same exact stats 🤩 I’m gonna km$ thanks
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The pleasure! The joy!
I made it to the summit of Mont Ventoux today! ⛰🎉💪 2nd attempt yay!
Keep reading for the full report and more pics 😊
What a day! Everything went according to plan and sooo well. I'm still stunned.
So I rented this super cool e-race bike. Unfortunately I chose the frame a little too small but anyway, it worked OK. I set out from Malaucène at 13:30 and reached the summit after 1.35 hours. Which is pretty insane speed for the 22 km climb. I felt almost bad everytime I passed someone going up "the honest way". I was flying up the road at about 12/14 km/h on average. The fastest speed being 28.5 km/h. And now let me tell you - this was still sport and an effort! It's by no means riding like on a motorbike. It was still a matter of pedalling and pedalling and pedalling and the sun burning down on me. Also, always skipping between the 3 levels of support. I couldn't go full support all the way, the battery wouldn't have lasted that long. So, yeah, I am super proud and happy and it was so cool to eventually take that famous pic in front of the summit sign. I have such a massive respect for everyone who mad it up there by pure muscle power. And many were even riding much further than only the 22 km climb. They've come from other towns and had quite a journey behind them as I learned from some. There was a couple, I think on their honeymoon because the woman was wearing a veil under her helmet, and they reached the top together by muscle power. They were so cute.
Before I continue, take a guess what hurt the most after over 40 km on that bike?
a) the legs
b) the bottom/lady parts
c) fingers
Ok, so, I'm up there, happy, proud, enjoying the stunning views and a caffeine bar but didn't have too much time as I had to return the rented bike soon. 🥲 NOW - the descent! Oh. My. Lord! As much as it was fun, it was scary! Thanks to the little bike computer I could see my speed. The average was about 40 km/h with a peak at almost 60 km/h which was freaking scary! I was literally flying. On slippery flat pedals, on a too small bike. Lol. I tried to imagine what it would be like going down over 70 km/h, let alone 100 km/h. Everyone who does that must be freaking nuts! I mean, the road here was shared with cars, motorbikes, camper vans, walkers even (oh and one guy on roller skis) so no way to go faster than that and not without the right shoes and pedals. That's for another day 🤫
So, what hurt the most? The fingers! Jfc, braking for 22 km is hard! I had to take 3 breaks on the way down to shake my numb fingers back to life. Also they became sweaty and I was scared what'd happened if I slipped? So yeah, 2nd most: lady parts, because of the too small bike and the saddle was a bit too low 🙈 (but shoutout to the super bib shorts I bought here, great padding)
I arrived back in Malaucène much earlier than my "service car" ;) and had some time to chat some more with the very friendly rental dude. Told him I only started cycling a few weeks ago. His response was "Oh, congratulations!" (How sweet) and he had a cute doggo there minding the shop ☺
I could keep talking about today forever but I'll stop now. Here are some pics and one of a souvenir from the summit 👜😄
#can't believe how perfect the weather was#oh some scary wind on the way down#had to ride in the middle of the road not to be blown away#wobbled dramatically at one moment and my heart dropped but all good#also took a photo for and of a dude who raised his bike in front of the sign he was so proud#and that again made me happy#also one lady telling me bravo for making it 🙈#thanks for following my little journey#i'm back in one piece#had a wonderful dinner at a cute little restaurant in town to end this vacation#❤⛰🌬🚴🏽♀️#au revoir mont ventoux#personal
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wife forcing me to try and get help again because i half heartedly tried to kms twice last week (i’m fine literally the laziest attempts ever lmfao i dont even have the energy to kms properly anymore, i miss my early 20s sometimes) but i am digging my heels in so hard because all they’re gonna do is stick me in therapy and not actually give me medication because i’m already “drug seeking” and i refuse to engage with that bullshit lol therapy doesn’t work for me! it’s nonsense! i am not going to go waste all that money we don’t even have and can’t even afford to be blowing on me for someone to tell me to do the same shit i’ve been doing for 20 years as if the ideas or advice have never occurred to me before 😑 none of this shit works and i’m so tired of everyone telling me it does when it so clearly does not, especially when half my issues are autism and there’s no way to fix that and i’m just broken and doomed to be like this forever anyway?? like. auughhh. i’m so angry about it all
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Lol I hate my life and I hate today.
What are the fucking chances that I log back into bumble after weeks of being inactive and the first fucking person that pops up is my fp/ex. A profile that he literally just made today. Using a picture of him wearing the hoodie I got him for Christmas last year.
He avoided me today and tried to tell me he's my friend all in one go and that doesn't really make sense to me but now I feel like I'm being exhausting and dramatic all because I saw him on fucking bumble.
This is the shit that makes me want to kms. Always a reminder that he doesn't fucking want me.
#actually borderline#being borderline#borderline problems#borderline things#bpd stuff#bpd#bpd problems#bpd fp#bpd vent#bpd relatable
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ugh I am NOT gonna let myself slip again
so I've had a few days where I haven't restricted properly and I kinda binged yesterday soooo uhmm fml basically. ANYWAYS I'm gonna try and be more active here soo like daily meals and stuff? I'm gonna do the same on twt. Today's gonna be rough since my family's having pizza, I just hope to god I don't eat too much of it bcs I don't want to pvrg3 again yk? Also to the point, I am not letting myself go into another b/p cycle because last time it nearly killed me (I tried to kms basically). that was a few months ago.. still traumatised lowkey. I'm gonna start fasting again as well, so hopefully sundays/saturdays I'll fast and then one metab day per week bcs my metabolism is painfully slow. so... next post will be what I ate and estimated calories bcs I actually can't be sure lol (I am sooo overestimating and then exercising like crazy bcs I can't risk gaining)
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Vent post, trigger warning: $u1c1d@al
hii, just wanted to say i reaaally love your blog! :) i'll just vent here 'cause i saw u're ok with that. :D
ok so basically i've been diagnosed 2 years ago with depression, i was medicated for 1 year and the i just stopped going to my psychiatrist because i felt numb all the time (and i hated fhe feeling the pills gave me) but i got better anyway after a year. Howeveeer, this past summer i was finally able to go in no contact with "the reason" of my neverending sadness.🙄 And i feel like 1000% better now, but is there something no one talks about at the beggining of the healing proccess. The fact that you don't actually know who you are without your sadness. And I say this because even tho i was diagnosted just 2 years ago, i've been depressed for the last 10 years lol (like, fr, i tried to kms) and now with this ✨new will to live✨ it just feels weird. Because 10 i was 14, so i basically grew up being really sad all the time and now is just like??? What am I supposed to do haha.
Anyway, i am really doing well now, this summer in july i'll finish my degree (6 fkn years in this university really made me stronger haha) and i'm in a 5 years relationship with my bf and everything is going really well, but i can't help but feel weird about my self concept. Because I don't identify anymore with being sad, now i'm just me. But who am I really, you know? Because all the trauma is still unpacked and I still can't really fully enjoy life - sometimes i do think it's pointless anyway but i'll not do anything (kms) because i really don't wanna hurt the ppl around me. Is kinda sad the fact that i don't really wanna live because i want to, but because i feel responsible for how ppl whould feel if i'd be gone. From time to time i just try to enjoy/remind myself that life is worth living because i get to see more marvel movies, or eat a hazelnut donut (i really like those), or sometimes i feel like i should just stfu because it'll be a shame to die - i have a pretty face & body and i got pretty privilege a lot, isn't this the plot of all those 2000's movie? Pretty girls get a secretly sad life but then ✨the plot✨ happens and everything is ok? Lmao. Anyway, i feel like last summer was the plot and now i just get to enjoy life a little more - even tho i don't feel like doing it at all. And i feel a lil guilty because i have a good life (living in europe, good parents, good bf, a uni degree) like it seems like i'm doing "everything i'm supposed to do right" but i feel like ???? wanting to end it because of the years of abuse i went through. I really want to erase it all and live at peace with myself because at the end of the day is my mind vs my mind..
I'm sorry for this long ass text lol i did not thought i'd write this much, also i'm sorry if i've made mistakes english is my 3rd language so i'm not really good at expressing myself 🥲 you don't really have to answear i understand is a sensitive topic and not everyone wants do deal with stuff like this and it's 100% ok! 😊 i hope you have a nice rest of the week, and thank u for reading! ❤️
hey! thank you for venting!! i am always happy for people to vent in my ask box, I can't always promise to have advice, but i'm always more than happy to chat if people need someone to talk to!
congratulations on what sounds like so many incredible things going on in your life! i completely relate to that feeling of there being this chunk of your psyche that can't make sense of happiness because you've been in flight or flight to survive for so many of your formative years!
i really struggle with suicide and depression and i also battle the feeling of disappointing my family and friends if i was to act on any of those feelings. somedays its the hardest feeling to live for the big things and i find it helpful to focus on the little things instead.
i know you sent me this to rant so i don't want to give you any unsolicited advice, i'm just happy you feel safe to talk to me and if you ever do want advice, or want to rant some more, i'm here for you <3
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calm before the storm (15/12/23)🌟
seventeen nana tour teaser in italy was really exciting do you believe the only week i was abroad with my family in the whole year they came here in my country 😭😭😭
anyway, today was a little different for my routine: my exam is approaching so I have to study really hard. so I tried to change environment and temporarily move in my grandma's house for few days (i spent the last week mostly here anyway so tecnically now i'm also sleeping here).
these are some things i've done today:
wash and morning skincare 🧚♀️
cleaned my room amd helped with some housechores🧹
practiced korean just with social media and idol content🇰🇷
renshuu and duolingo for japanese, and i read some stories from a website called tadoku🇯🇵
chineasy word games🇨🇳 n.b. i just spent few minutes for language learning
studied infectious diseases for something like twelve hours i'm exhausted i really want to get rid of it bc it has me stressing so much🦠
spent time with family💌
chatted with friends i can't wait to see them when they come back to my hometown 💌
basically no excercise i just walked from my home to my grandma's (1 km) and take the stairs till the 6th floor lol🏃♀️
good night or good morning idk
#세븐틴#seventeen#mingyu#bts#uni life#studyblr#study motivation#journal#day by day#korean langblr#language blr#japanese langblr#chinese langblr
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333 of 2023
Summer Shenanigans ☀️
Created by joybucket
When was the last time you went swimming? 🏊♀️
I can’t swilm. Yeah I was born and raised at the sea lol.
Do you prefer one-piece or two-piece swimsuits?
I’m a man.
Do you prefer summer mornings or summer nights?
I like both, but summer mornings are magic.
What is one thing you hate about summer?
Too hot sometimes.
Have you ever met anyone named Summer?
No, I haven’t.
Name three people you know who have summer birthdays.
My mum, Nielsje, and my cousin Sylvie.
What is one of your favorite memories from summer camp as a kid?
I’ve never been on a summer camp.
When was the last time you enjoyed a cold shower? 🚿
When it was hot outside and I came back home.
Do you think you look better in green or blue?
I don’t care, I wear what I like.
Have you danced in the rain yet this summer?
I find this whole “dancing in the rain” thing cheesy as fuck.
What is your favorite thing about summer?
Long days. And thunderstorms.
When was the last time you drank lemonade? 🍋
We don’t have it here.
Do you prefer Minute Maid Lemonade or fresh-squeezed? 🍋
I don’t know what it really is. I know the brand, though. Good fruit juices.
Do you spend more time outside or inside?
Outside, definitely.
Would you consider yourself an outdoors person?
Very much so.
How many times in your life have you been stung by a bee? 🐝
Maybe once or twice. I don’t count.
Do you like to wear bright colors? 🌈
Only if there’s black as a background.
Are you afraid of bees? 🐝
No, they’re very useful. I’d rather not be stung by one, though.
Have you ever stepped on a bee? 🐝
I don’t think so.
Do you prefer pineapple 🍍 or coconut 🥥?
No.
Have you ever drank milk straight from a coconut? 🥥
No, but I drank it from a glass.
What type of tree is the closest tree to your house?
Chestnut tree.
Have you ever had a scary incident in which you almost drowned?
No, because I’m careful with water.
Do you prefer beaches or swimming pools?
Beaches, definitely. That’s how I was raised.
What is one of your favorite summer reads? 📚
I don’t divide books by seasons. Anyone does it, actually?
What is one thing you normally do in the summer that you have not yet done this year?
Visited Poland. Gonna depart next week, though.
What is one new thing you've done this summer that you have never done in summers past?
Can’t think of anything. I’ve been doing lots of things each summer.
List three things you like about county fairs. 🎡
What are county fairs?
Do your legs feel itchy when you sit in the grass?
Always. I have seasonal allergies.
What is a song that reminds you of summer?
Joutsenlaulu by For My Pain.
Have you ever had a really bad sunburn? 🥵
Yeah, I have. I have really fair skin for a dark-haired person.
What is your favorite beach that you've been to, and why? 🏝️
Sint-Laureinsstrand, Westende. I was basically raised there and I will always love it.
Have you ever vacationed on an island?
Yeah, Bornholm in Denmark.
What was your favorite type of ice cream to get from the ice cream truck as a kid? 🍦
There’s no such thing as ice cream trucks here.
List three of your favorite things to do in a swimming pool.
Why going to the swimming pool whn there’s a beach nearby?
When was the last time you attended a pool party?
Never.
Do you prefer funnel cakes or elephant ears?
I’ve never heard of either of these.
Do you prefer soft-serve ice cream cones or snow cones? 🍧 🍦
No.
Have you ever tried deep-fried Oreos?
Lol no. People have weird ideas sometimes.
List three of the best amusement park rides you have ever been on. 🎢
I’ve never been on any, they don’t allow people with epilepsy there.
What's the best thing that's ever happened to you in the summer?
Spending the whole summer at my grandma’s.
How far away do you live from your favorite park? 🌲
About 1.268 km? My favourite park is in Poland.
When was the last time you ate fresh watermelon? 🍉
Watermelon is disgusting.
What is one thing you miss from summers past?
Spending vacation at my grandma’s.
Do you think you look better with or without a tan?
Who cares actually? I’m not here to be watchede by people.
Which name do you like best for a girl: Summer, Rain, Joy, River, or Skye?
Jesus Christ. Are those even names?
Which name do you like best for a boy: Storm, Rain, Chase, River, or Ocean?
...lolwut? Are those even names, too?
Do you like the name Ocean better for a girl or a boy?
I’ve never understood this American trend of naming people after random objects.
When was the last time you collected seashells at the beach? 🐚
Last week.
List three things you have in common with mermaids. 🧜♀️
What? WTF kind of question is that even.
Do you believe in mermaids? 🧜♀️
No, I don’t.
When was the last time you watered a plant? 🪴
Years ago, we don’t have plants in our house.
List three things you can see from where you're sitting right now that are yellow.
Abox of crisps, a highlighter, a pencil.
Do you like to dance in the rain? 🌧️ 💃
No, I find it stupid.
What color shorts are you wearing right now?
Who said I’m wearing any shorts at all? Okay they’re black.
Do you prefer hamburgers 🍔 or hot dogs 🌭?
Both, depending on what I fancy. I’m not a big fan of either, though.
And last but not least, did you enjoy this survey?
Kind of. Some questions were totally irrelevant.
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ignore this pls. just need a place to get my feelings out.
mental health tw, suicide tw, suicidal thoughts tw, self harm thoughts and tendencies tw
its sad that i dont even know what to type. im just going fucking insane. i haven't felt this crazy since I tried to kill myself when I was fucking 15. like i feel like a fucking nutjob right now and it won't stop. i have no one to talk to, even if my "friends" say they are there for me, I know they tired of my bs. the last time I tried talking to my friend she fucking left me on read cause shes so tired of my bullshit. i'm so fucking tired of my bullshit. i can never get out of my goddamn head. and everyone thinks im fucking okay cause I act like the fucking class clown at work and make everyone laugh. when I want to just kill myself atp. i havent self harmed myself since I was 15 either but some people disagree on this fact. I have a problem with digging holes in my skin and my therapist definitely thinks its that or an anxiety tick. I only get one day off of work a week and my therapist was all booked up for that day two weeks ago so I havent seen her. cause its like my responsibility to actually make an appointment but like me trying to help myself??? lmao. nice one. basically all this shit was triggered by my fucking hypochondriac tendencies. i had a uti like 2 weeks ago and I don't think the antibiotics they put me on got rid of it completely so I went back and got another urine test done which of course, like I expected came up positive but it also said I had ketones in my urine which of course, having access to a cellphone with a data plan, i immediately googled what that meant. now im like 1000000% positive I have diabetes, even though the doctor said its unlikely. I made an appointment to get my blood drawn to find out for sure but as I previously said, I only get one fucking day off and now I have to sit and wait till next fucking Thursday to find out if I have it or not. I don't know how I'm gonna make it that long. Im already going so fucking crazy I don't know what to do. the doctors office said they won't take blood without an office visit first (money hungry much??) so I can't just go in and ask to get my blood done. And I can't go to the hospital because I don't even know what I'd say to go there and have my blood drawn. nothing really makes me smile anymore. what am I gonna do if i do have it??? what am i gonna do if i don't???? i need answers to my fucking questions and no one will give me any. im fucking nauseous, im shaking, i just wanna sleep 24/7 so i don't have to fucking deal with this anymore. Since i was off today, I slept the whole day. I would wake up for a couple minutes, realize that I did not fucking want to be awake and I went back to sleep. Eventually I was waking up every like 30 minutes cause I wasn't tired but idc, i wanted to be asleep. and now I have to go to work at 4AM and be the happy cheerful person I'm supposed to be so that everyone has a good day. Since I'm the boss, I can't be fucking sad or depressed. I'm so sick and tired of being crazy. Like im fucking exhausted from all this shit. Everything, everyday is becoming so much and I don't know how to handle it anymore. I'm on the highest dose of my antidepressants and an extra anxiety med, and Im like still like this???? why is my brain a piece of shit????? why am I a piece of shit??? like i derive all my happiness from other things and those things end and idk what to do. like BTS going on hiatus???? lol kms. Stray Kids are in America rn and I can't afford to go cause life??? I'm teaching myself a bunch of different languages and It's literally so pointless cause I have no friends and no one to talk to so like who am I speaking to in Korean??? myself. One part of my brain speaks Korean or whatever language and I respond in English. Our conversations are truly riveting. I would put the eyeroll emoji here but its only in my recently used on my phone and I'm posting this on my laptop and I'm too fucking lazy to go and find it. KinnPorsche ends in like a week and a day???? fuck bro. The only thing I have is Doctor Who. That show is my rock. Anyway this is just dumb.
#ignore this#i needed to rant somewhere#just let it out#ramble and cry#i needed to let my brain rest#and typing it helped like a teeny tiny bit#ill probably delete when my brain gets its shit together#how does someone give so much of a fuck about everything and yet so little at the same time#oof#self harm /#suicide /#mental health /#suicide mention /#self harm mention /
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Do you have any advice on how to lose some weight? Nearly all of my fat is on my stomach and rear, but my arms and calfs are really skinny.
I go on a daily morning walk for 7.3 km for 1 & 1/2 hours. I'll soon be starting a healthy diet with my Mum. Do you have any additional tips?
First of all, I'm not a medical professional, I'm offering as advice what did work for me. I used to have a BMI of 31, and I went so high because I was leading such a unhealthy diet composed of cakes almost daily, minimal activity due to depression, eating way more than I should eat. Think Thanksgiving food belly almost everyday.
Make your healthy diet a sustainable lifestyle and internalize that it's not temporary. It is good quality food that you're indigesting to make yourself feel better and happier with yourself and your body. It is the new YOU that you're building up, not some "challenge" or temporary thing. The diet you had before gave you the body you're not satisfied with, so that's obviously not a good diet. You gotta go a bit healthier to notice some results.
Those results are going to be GRADUAL. You won't have flat stomach in one week. Never gonna be sustainable.
Keep the new healthy sustainable habits that you PREFER to the unhealthy habits you had before.
Also, the fact you're already doing some excercise is absolutely amazing, it is wayyy better than being sedentary. Carry on like that! I'd look into doing calisthenics work, pushups, planks, cruches, squats in-order to have a body that is healthier and can adapt to almost any situation. Stretches will also bring you body awareness and make you feel more comfortable in your body.
Also, a diet rich in sugar and in salt, and lack of water consumption will worsen water retention in the fatty tissues which is going to make the "fatty" zones look way bigger than they actually are. Start by going soft on the salt, skipping that dessert and only eating it OCCASIONALLY so it actually becomes a treat than a dessert. Also drink insane amounts of water. You should never feel thirsty. That alone should help you a lot.
Btw, there's sugar in almost everything. Including those "healthy" bars. Last bar I tried out was like 20g in added sugar which is ridiculously high. For a tiny ass bar. And the daily maximum recommended ADDED sugar is like 25g (AHA) to 40g a day (WHO). And the average American consumes something around 88g a day (Havard School of public health).
Bonkers when we think about it.
For hydration, I personally make two teapots of tea (approx 3 cups each) morning and evening (tisane, decaf), and I try to eat soups and more liquidy meals that make it dead easy to increase the water consumption. You can prep fruit water with thinly sliced fruits (makes the fruit liberate more flavor, and more flavor for less fruit to use!), eat more soups, privilege eating water rich fruits etc. Find the way that works the best for you.
To the end you have to trust what makes your body feel genuinely good and happy on the long term. If you don't feel good eating one specific ingredient (asparagus for me lol), do not force yourself to eat it and find healthy food workarounds, new ways to cook, etc.
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thank u for the tag @celestialmickey my beloved 💖💖💖
your name with no consonants: LOL I originally wrote ‘km’ because I’m a moron and was just doing a proof and realized I read this wrong 😅
the last thing you drank: water from my ever-present water bottle
the last thing you bought: tiles for our kitchen backsplash 💁♀️
the last app you check before you go to bed: tbh honestly (more things I’m picking up in proofreading lmao what is wrong with me) lately it’s dropbox because I’ve been reading animorphs on there lol
favorite smell? my dog’s feet 👀 also normal things like vanilla and my perfume but that’s the first thing that popped in my head
favorite plant or flower? i love love love pansies. something about them is just so cute and silly
describe your phone case: rifle and paper co, floral print (to no one’s surprise!!!) 🌼🌸🌺🌸🌼
do you wear contacts or glasses? glasses! fun fact I’ve never tried contacts before because idk sometimes you just want to be unable to see in a hurry
would you rather read minds or be able to teleport? teleport 100% macy omg this question if anyone wants to read minds PLEASE let me know your reasoning and like...percentage mental stability haha I’m so curious
what’s your primary mode of transportation (car, bus, train, on foot)? currently car because I’m in the middle of fucking nowhere but we’re about to move back to a city soon so I can use public transit again!!!
you’ve been given one week’s paid vacation, how are you spending it? omgggg probably setting up a garden and laying in the sun like a lizard
finally, name something you like about yourself (NOT a physical characteristic): I’m a pretty fast reader! I was thinking about that the other day when I was signing a contract lol (it’s funny that I said I was a fast reader because clearly I’m not absorbing see above 🤦♀️)
#do you ever just spend all day writing professional emails and press releases and jus t mincing every single fucking word#and then log onto the internet and write nonsense???
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Tag game
Tagged by @died-by-the-scimitar thank you!! :D
1. what is the color of your hairbrush? shaft is made of bamboo wood, the brushes themselves are black
2. name a food you never eat: uhhhh idk, I’m quite picky, especially with the texture of food, so if the texture is gross and it’s too big to not chew in, i will usually try to avoid eating it.
3. what were you doing 45 mins ago? watching an old try guys video
4. what’s your favorite candy bar? I don’t really have any
5. have you ever been to a professional sports game? Yes, a football game when I was 9, and I hated every second of it lol. I really want to go watch a handball game, though.
6. what is the last thing you said out loud? “Nå” (means like.. “well then” ish)
7. what is your favorite ice cream? chocolate, vanilla, caramel
8. what was the last thing you had to drink? water
9. do you like your wallet? no
10. what is the last thing you ate? An ice cream
11. did you buy any new clothes last weekend? no
12. what’s the last sporting event you watched? I mean my mom watches the eurogames in football right now, so every now and then I watch like 1 or 2 minutes when I pass the living room, but the last game i sat down and actually watched was men’s handball earlier this year.
13. what is your favorite flavor of popcorn? just... salty? lol
14. who is the last person you sent a text message to? a friend a few hours ago, telling her i would start charging her after she wrote that she lived rent free in my head
15. ever been camping? nope. I think I want to try it though
16. do you take vitamins? no, but I should (especially d-vitamins, considering how low my numbers have been since.. always), I got them lying around and everything but I sort of just don���t take them
17. do you regularly attend a place of worship? no
18. do you have a tan? nope
19. do you prefer Chinese or pizza? it really depends on my mood honestly, either is usually neat
20. do you drink your soda through a straw? no, i don’t drink soda and i don’t use straws
21. what color socks do you usually wear? black or white, but i also have some pastel colored and fruit motive ones
22. do you ever drive above the speed limit? not intentionally lol, but i do catch myself accidently driving a little too fast (usually never more than 5-15 km/h above, and i always slow down once i notice).
23. what terrifies you? life. failure. the future. death of my dog. being stuck unable to reach goals
24. look to your left, what do you see? The side of my closet that’s covered in fandom and art postcards from redbubble
25. what chore do you hate most? dishes, changing the sheets, cleaning the bathroom, taking out the trash
26. what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? g’day mate + harurinralia
27. what’s your favorite soda? i don’t drink sodas anymore, but if i should it’s usually a wannabe cola or something citrus fruity ish
28. do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? I don’t go to fast food places, but if i did i would go in
29. what’s your favorite number? 4
30. who’s the last person you talked to? my mom
31. favorite cut of beef? i don’t eat beef often, and i’m not sure what this even means lol
32. last song you listened to? Lewis Capaldi - Don’t Get Me Wrong
33. last book you read? Reading tipping the velvet right now, last book I finished was Romeo and Juliet I think
34. favorite day of the week? Also saturday
35. can you say the alphabet backwards? no
36. how do you like your coffee? I don’t like coffee, the smell on its own is.. nope
37. favorite pair of shoes? Don’t have a favorite. I used to love my black converses, but my feet are more happy with my current sketchers.
38. time you normally get up? usually never before 7 (after school turned virtual for most of my last semester and i also stopped having morning shifts at work), and lately not before 9
39. what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? i love both, but i think i prefer sunsets, just ‘cause they’re easier to catch and (as you said, Fra) more colorful in terms of purple and pink etc.
40. how many blankets on your bed? one and my duvet, but I have 2 blankets across my bedframe since its made of metal and my bed is up against the always-cold wall towards our apartment stairs.
41. describe your kitchen very typical early 2000s danish style, hasn’t been updated in 20 years (except for my mom painting the walls a pastel pink), but not like in an outdated-ugly way i think
42. describe your kitchen at the moment. some papers on the table, bread (packaged), and my mom’s figures and stones collecting dust
43. do you have a favorite alcoholic drink? I don’t drink alcohol either eeeeyh
44. do you play cards? no, but I used to love it when I was a kid, mainly go fish
45. what color is your car? I don’t have one, but my mom’s is silver
46. can you change a tire? I’ve never tried it, but I think I got the idea and might be able to should I ever need to. My mom’s husband usually changes them on her car.
47. your favorite state? I’m not american, never set foot near america, BUT i think i like alaska, west virginia, and such, just for the environment (as seen through pictures)
48. favorite job you’ve had? I quite liked cleaning at private homes (of people I knew), which I’ve done a few times before. I work at a store right now (and have been for 3 years), though that is far from something I want to continue, to put it lightly. I got a job as a mentor (helping kids with homework and such), but I’ve yet to get any mentees, so I still can’t quite say much about it :/
Tagging: @hamykia @dandelionmeadow @nenufair @pilarsalazr @spacewitchqueen @happensweet @scimitar-and-longsword @ladyzeia @nicolosfaith
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It literally disgusts me to think of crying over him after all that happened so sitting with the anxiety is my only option and sometimes unbearable. I worry I will fall back into that weakness but I will try my hardest not to let myself. I hate being borderline because I never know if feeling fine is a true recovery or just the cycle.
I'm not thinking about kms anymore and that's a huge improvement because I was suic*dal for six weeks. And I attempted and it failed and I felt the same way for two days afterwards for not being successful and then I just didn't feel that way anymore. I started looking at my life as something to grow into, and putting less focus on what I'm losing. I'm honestly feeling kind of weird about adding him back again after this. I might do it and just not react to him at all and see what he does. I feel like it's just going to be a lot of blocking right now and that he has no intentions of trying to see me. It is a lot of emotional abuse just like the last time.
I think if he ever wants me to love him again he's going to have to try harder. My circumstances are so different this time. I'm doing it all alone and literally have nothing left to lose lmao. Which kind of gives me an upper hand emotionally.
I'm scared but I get to build something that's mine. I really don't think I'll be blocked long but knowing I have bigger things to focus on and a routine to keep me occupied makes it okay anyway.
I'm just going to post here every time I have a feeling instead of wasting my energy splitting on him because it's not worth the reactive abuse.
I like that I'm doing it alone because I'm not being influenced by anything anybody is telling me. It's filtered directly into what he's showing me and I have no idea why he's having a tantrum and trying to be really emotionally controlling but I imagine it's because he's frustrated even though he's literally the one who put us in this position lol.
I'm going to keep documenting because court is months away and it isn't over until it's over lol. I'm not putting labels on him at all this time because I don't need to scare myself like that. He just has very toxic and abusive traits that he doesn't seem to be willing to change. And that's a yikes for me. Because how much fucking character development have I done in the last six months. Very steady therapy every single week, and I started a mood stabilizer this year. The fact that I'm not even reacting to him blocking me is a huge win.
I truly am just shocked that after everything he didn't change one single little bit at all. Truly taken aback. To know I lost everything and tried to kill myself and to not care is really gross.
I'm not even trauma bonded anymore I don't think. All I feel is anxiety and I think that's normal. I'm not even sad lol. I'm a little bit angry but not enough to split on him. Disappointed but not surprised? Yep.
The peace feels strange after a year and a half of chaos. It's the mood stabilizer for sure. If it's working for me like this to keep my emotions actually level for once then this drug is going to change my life because I can separate my real feelings from my borderline feelings 😭
If I can remain unreactive to him then I will have become the woman I've always wanted to fucking be. I've never ever been a woman who didn't react. I'd love to be that woman.
I'm still not overly optimistic three days after my attempt, my life is still pretty bland and boring, but for the first time maybe ever I feel like my emotions are moving in a straight line and that really excites me because I can trust a feeling that lasts.
There is a downside to that in that it manifested itself in darkness first because I had never felt so heavily depressed and that stable at the same time. So I knew I WAS ready to kms because that feeling didn't waver for six weeks. It's been two full days that I've felt neutral about this decision and I feel like I can probably trust this feeling too.
That day was obviously ridiculously traumatizing but it changed something in me. I am having some pretty intense PTSD flashbacks which are extremely uncomfortable so I try to repress it and Ive always been pretty good at deleting memories so it's working lol. I only remember it when I have flashbacks now which I know will subside eventually. I'm not ready to talk about it and I don't know that I ever will be I think that's something I probably want to keep to myself because it was so real, so so real. Just so impulsive but so so ready to go.
I also just remembered that that's the last time I reacted to him blocking me. The last time I reacted, I tried to kms, and then I got out of the hospital and I stopped reacting to him blocking me. I stopped swearing at him. I truly and genuinely stopped caring. And what an odd feeling. To have gone from loving someone so much like that to truly feeling nothing for them at all.
I'm going to continue to journal here as much as I need to in order to cope with the anxiety. I'm not even forcing myself to say that I don't love him or don't miss him. He is abusing me right now and all I can control is how I react to it.
My goal is calmness. To be neutral. To be unattached and mindful.
#actually borderline#bpd#being borderline#borderline problems#borderline things#bpd stuff#bpd problems#bpd fp#bpd vent#bpd relatable#lamotrigine#tw : dv#tw : suicide
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1285
survey by laurenpwns
Is there anyone in particular that you'd like to see? Who is this person?
I always wish I can see my grandpa again. I never did get to have proper closure with him because his death was so sudden.
Have you been to the movies lately? What movie did you see anyways?
No, I’ve only seen one movie in the last 12 months hahaha and it wasn’t in the cinema since those are still closed anyway.
Have you ever used a muscle stimulator before? Did it hurt?
I haven’t. I’ve never needed to use one.
Do you hate it when people rudely interrupt you? Do you want to hit them?
It doesn’t happen a lot so yes, I imagine I’d really hate this. I don’t think I’d feel as intensely as wanting to hit them, though.
How many songs have you downloaded in the past week? What are the genres?
I haven’t downloaded songs in years, but the last playlist I bookmarked on my Spotify was an Audrey Hepburn-themed one filled with a bunch of jazz songs, French songs, and a general collection of songs from the 50s. I haven’t actually tried listening to it, but I saved it so I can go back to it once I have time to.
Have you ever owned a pet bird? What was this bird's name?
Yup, we had a pair of lovebirds before.
Do you have a friend that is a complete and total flirt around everyone?
I had several orgmates who were, yes. Not that this has ever been a bad thing; I actually find it cool to see how confident they are – I sometimes wish I could be the same.
Do you know anyone who is addicted to drugs? Are you friends with them?
Hmm, I don’t think so.
How many times a day do you worry about dying and the afterlife?
Zero. Not really something I think about, much less worry about.
Have you ever owned a golf-cart before? What color was it anyways?
I’ve been on golf carts before but I’ve never had a reason to own one.
Do you have a sibling that is a complete dead-beat? Which sibling?
No, I wouldn’t say so. I used to think my brother was quite hopeless with how delayed he seemed to be before...but I think he’s managing now.
Do you think that these questions are a little too personal?
Not at all, I’ve taken some that have gotten a lot deeper.
How often do you get photo comments on myspace? Who are they usually from?
Do you know anyone who has a name that you hate? Who is this person?
I don’t hate any names.
Have you ever seen the really old movie, The Birds? Did it scare you?
I’ve watched the scenes that were meant to be scary, but I’ve never seen the full film. Anyway, the horror scenes weren’t too scary for me.
Do you think kids who smoke at a young age are stupid and naive?
They’re not stupid nor naive; maybe just misguided or stuck in the wrong crowd.
What are the color of the curtains in the room you're in right now?
My *blinds are white. I don’t have curtains.
Do you own the new Guitar Hero? If so, what's your favorite song on it?
I don’t even know the newest game that came out in the series. Do they still do Guitar Hero?
How long ago was it that someone you know got arrested & put into jail?
I’ve never known anyone who had to go to jail.
How long ago was it that you last ate Taco Bell? What did you eat there?
Around three months ago. I had a burrito and some fried snack thingy. I miss it and it’s such a shame that the closest Taco Bell is like 20 km away lol.
Do you ever take pictures with random people in Wal-Mart/anywhere else?
No...? That’s a little creepy?
Do you ever make fun of people with disabilities? Why do you do that?
Uhm, no. That would be extremely rude. Sometimes I’ll watch TikToks of those with Tourette Syndrome and laugh, but it’s only because they really intended on making content that’s meant to raise awareness about the condition in a humorous way. In a sense, I’m having a laugh with them and not at them.
Do you regret any decision you've made in the past week? Which one?
Nope. I feel like I’ve managed to avoid doing any stupid decisions this week haha. I did have an impulse buy last Monday BUT I DON’T REGRET THAT AT ALL hehe
Have you ever done anything dangerous enough to have risked your life?
I’ve driven while in an unstable mental condition. Come to think of it, I’ve driven much more carefully after a night of social drinking (I always sober up before driving!!); it’s really when I’m depressed or on the verge of a breakdown that I tend to be careless while driving.
Where is the farthest place you've been from home? Why did you go there?
Japan. Just a vacation.
Do you ever watch MTV? What shows do you normally watch on there?
Nope.
What kind of game consoles do you own? Are they in the room with you?
We currently have a PS3, PS4, and Switch. No, they’re all in the living room.
Do you get embarassed when your parents talk about when you were a baby?
No. I don’t think there’s really anything to be embarrassed by when it comes to things you did as a baby lmao.
Do you have any friends you are ashamed to be around in public?
No...otherwise I wouldn’t count them as friends.
Do you consider yourself egotistic? Do people call you egotistic?
No and no.
Do you ever compliment yourself on small things just because of popularity?
I have no clue what this question is asking.
What was the most length you've ever cut off your hair? Why'd you cut it?
From my waist, I had it trimmed all the way up to just below my ears. No big reason other than I just wanted a completely new look; plus washing my hair had started to feel like a bitch.
Has anyone ever stereotyped you in a horrible or depriving way? Why?
Not to me directly but I’ve heard a lot of hurtful and disgusting things hurled towards Asians in general, which at this point doesn’t even surprise me anymore.
What is one food that you absolutely can’t stand eating? Why do you hate it?
Most fruits have always tasted nasty to me. I’m generous about giving chances hahaha but it’s just never worked out; I’ve never been a fan. Otherwise I’m open to eating and trying pretty much anything.
What's one movie you can’t wait to see in theaters or rent out of theaters?
I’m not currently looking forward to any movie.
Do you have any children? If so, how old are these children?
I don’t have any.
How many times a day do you brush your teeth? Is that enough in your world?
Twice. Yep.
Do you think you're going to Heaven or Hell? Why do you think this?
I don’t believe in either, so I’ll have to wait til death to find out if they even exist to begin with haha.
What is the latest you've ever stay up just talking on the phone to someone?
The whole night. We slept at like 7 AM the following morning. Gross.
Do you ever make random signs from sticky notes and put them on people?
Nope.
Have you ever overcome a disease that was life-threatening? Which one?
I haven’t.
Do you think anyone who is in the room with you right now is really mean?
I’m alone in my room.
Is there one thing that you want more than anything you've ever wanted?
BTS tickets hahahahahahahahaha
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Hey :) would it be possible to have a fluffy scene with Bakugo taking care of s/o reader who has bad period cramps and suffers panic attacks when they can't take the pain? (The suffering is real lol) Please and thank you 💛
Period Panic
A/N Thank you for being so patient bb. Here is your request and I hope it is fluffy enough and that you like it 😊😊
Your quirk was unique and tricky to get right at first.
You had the ability to make the smallest paper cut feel like a laceration that was bone deep.
Pain amplification is what they called it and for the most part there was no draw back to your quirk.
That was until you got your first period.
Any pain you had amplified was done unto you during those seven days while your uterus shed, angry that you would not be used as a vessel for new life.
Crippling, imobilizing pain that only heightened your anxiety.
Most men and even some women thought you were exaggerating. Brushing off your agony as mere teenage dramatics.
That was until you pushed through the horrific cramping to make it to school only to end up collapsing.
Doubled over, clutching at your gut as if your apendix had burst.
That or your uterus literally burst through your abdomen wall. At least thats what it honestly felt like.
So nothing was new this month, the usual heavy flow and cramping except this particular week your sweet boyfriend demanded he stay home.
It was something you hid from him for years, a mixture of embarrassment and fear of discredit causing you to shy away from his gruff helping hand.
He said he needed to see it all, especially if you were to ever bare his child, how would he know what to do to help you.
But sometimes you didn't even know how to help you. Sleeping most days, getting obscene amounts of overtime and using all of your PTO every month to get out of work since uterus go stabby stabby wasn't a valid enough excuse.
You're curled into his neck, breathing in his sweet caramel musk as he strokes your hair. While his free hand holds his phone watching videos with his wireless head phones.
So far so good. Your period has been mild, Bakugou has been attentive if not borderline smothering although you'll take it considering he is not normally so lovey dovey, and there hasnt been a bad cramp in sight.
Maybe you had grown out of it.
It feels as if a knife is suddenly plunged deep into your gut, before being removed to be swiftly plunged again only a few inches away.
Your bite your lip to keep in a groan, curling into him further. His hand goes from your hair to your back, bringing it up your spine slowly still beautifully ignorant to the intensity.
You needed to keep it this way. Bakugou did not take kindly to weakness and showing how pained you really were was the very definition.
The invisible knife takes a new route, plunging into your back before multiplying, twisting as it finds purchase before stabbing you between the legs.
That one makes you grunt and worry compels the hot head to move.
"Oi." He says voice husky with disuse, "Are you okay?"
You nod in way of answer as your heart rate increases, your skin becoming flush as you feel the rise of panic begin to take hold.
But nothing grips you tighter than the disembodied hands that hold fast onto your uterus, wringing it out as if it were a rag.
You push away from him quickly, between the panic and the pain you're about to empty the contains of your stomach.
You rush to the en suite bathroom in your small apartment sure to lock the door as you grip onto the cool porcielin. Inhaling the all too familiar oddly fresh smell considering the things done to this particular throne.
The scent alone earns a retch that encourages your stomach to heave and heave hard before an even more concerned ash blonde is at the door.
"Y/N." He snarls when he finds it locked.
"Go away Katsu I'll be nnngg." You cannot finish as another column of pain shoots right through you. Your breath hitches and you fight the bile rising up your throat trying hard to even your breathing.
But you lose, you flush as the last of your stomach empties itself into what was once clean porcielin.
"Like hell you were going to say okay. Open the door or I'll open it my God damn self." He growls and this is what you feared most.
Not of his aggression or his inability to take your word for it that you were fine but of him seeing you like this.
Hair damp, clinging to your forehead, cheeks flushed from panic and raise blood pressure. Splattered bile on your shirt and underwear that was now heavily bleed through from the exertion.
He would see you looking every bit repulsive and never want you again.
A loud bang takes place in the bedroom before the door falls off of its hinges landing with a harsh slap on the tile km the bathroom.
His scalding gaze turns tepid with worry when he sees you, going to gather you up but you push away.
"S...stop..." You gasp for breath with sharp inhales, spots begin to form in your peripheral as your body overheats. Useless sweat dripping down your brow.
This was it.
This was the pinnacle moment in time where Bakugou would see you for what you really were.
A fragile glass cup sitting on the edge of a high counter top.
Tears prick your eyes as you think of your uterus falling out of your fucking body with a wet thump.
And Bakugou was going to pack his shit and move out promptly.
The room spins.
He clutches onto your hand with his own strong palm, fingers lacing with yours.
"Copy me baby." He snarls, harshly contrasting his pained look. He holds your gaze as he breathes in through his nose deeply, holding it for a moment and letting the air naturally push out of his lungs through his mouth.
After a few tries you mimic him perfectly slowly regaining your thoughts.
He smooths your hair out of your face before picking you up and setting your on the cool counter.
He steps away to yank up the handle to the bath, steaming hot water pours out, filling the tub. He turns to the linen closet produces a fresh towel and two rags.
He dips one beneath the steaming water before setting the other two items on the vanity top.
"Bakugou..." You fight back tears as he wipes your mouth, folding the rag as he moved along your face. He places the dirty rag in the bowl of the sink before pulling at the hem of your shirt.
"Arms up." He hisses when you resist, you meet his gaze and obey. He pulls the dirty shirt over your head before pulling at your underwear.
"NO!" Embarrassment floods your cheeks and pain bites into your stomach again.
"Fine. I'll turn around but you better get in that bath." He sucks his teeth at the end. He listens as you finish undressing, waiting for the sounds of sloshing water as you adjust yourself.
You see now he has put Epsom salt to help ease your muscles.
Suddenly your chest is tight from a feeling other than panic, as you look at his strong back flexing as he reaches for something at the top shelf of the medicine cabinet.
He produces an orange bottle with white top that you hate. Shaking out two pills for you before wetting a rag in cold water.
"Here." He holds out his hand but you refuse the two white pills with a shake of your head, "Why not?"
"Makes me too numb." You admit and he gives you a look, slamming the pills on the counter before pressing the cold rag to your forehead.
He sits next to you on the floor, scarlet eyes roving over your body for any physical pain that he can see.
You watch it bother him that he cannot help but in these last few moments you've been more in love with him than you ever had.
"S..sorry I'm so weak." You whisper and the air becomes charged.
"When did I say you were weak? When did you need to apologize for something you cannot help?" Your cheeks burn when you realize he did not once look at you in such a way.
"Now focus we are going to do an exercise." He gets up enough to turn off the rushing water before returning to his sit by the tub.
"What do you do to amplify the pain in someone?" He asks and you think of how to word it, normally you just acted on instinct.
"I...I concentrate on their nervous system. I make their body panic and send distress to the brain."
"Can you see your own nervous system like that?" You blink at his question slowly before answering
"Yes. It's difficult but when I really close my eyes." Another sharp pain sinks into your abdomin causing you to wince.
Sharp eyes cut to your feminine pouch he loves so much, he notes that it is a little swollen and silently vows to look up diets better suited for less painful periods.
In his mind food fixed everything.
"So close your eyes." He says, sliding the cool rag over your eye lids. It some how soothes the second heartbeat there that you did not realize you had.
He begins to breathe deeply, like before and out of habit you follow suit until your nervous system stands before you.
A mess of angry nerve bundles through out your lower back and stomach constantly sending messages to your brain as your uterus contracts.
"I...I see it."
"Now do the opposite of activating the nerves. Slow them down or turn them off."
"Bakugou I can't." You go to move the rag, moments away from breaking what you can see before rough hand settles over your eyes.
Applying just the right amount of pressure as it rests there.
"I didn't ask you if you could or couldn't." He says flatly but you can imagine the harsh look in his eyes.
So you listen, you try as you focus, mentally stroking the nerves, begging them to become less hyperactive, one by one they begin to obey.
And your mind numbing pain begins to dull to a light ache.
For the first time since you were eleven you didn't feel as if you were Kane from that iconic scene in that 1980s movie.
You felt like a normal woman who had normal cramps.
You pull at his hand to make eye contact, gleaming with excitement.
"I did it!"
He just smiles in confirmation, as if he knew you could do it all along that is until your face twists and your uterus is being rung out again.
The pain comes flooding back and with it frustrated tears. A slam of a fist agaisnt tile as you let out an audible sob. Bakugou smooths back your hair before tilting your face towards his.
"I will be with you until you can ease your own pain." He kisses your lips gently before adding, "And if for whatever fucking reason you can't I will *always* be here."
He presses his forehead to yours gazing into your eyes and you had never realized how much you needed this.
Him.
That even his support was enough to ease your suffering. He stands, rewets your rag with cold water, places it gently onto your forehead as he returns to normal rough self.
"Now soak in this bath and don't fucking move while I make dinner." He plays soothing music on your phone before slamming the door to the bedroom shut.
Hastily opening google onto his own phone as he makes his way to the kitchen to prepare you a meal plan that will help strengthen the nervous system and dispel inflammation.
Thinking only of how he will always support you, even if it meant putting everything on hold once a month for the rest of his life.
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