smth smth about 'the thing that the character did that you thought was rly rly funny in the moment is actually linked to a terrible trauma that lies within said character.' or wahtever.

.

Hi, I don’t know if I am doing it right. This is an emergency request. I have had the worst week ever at university and, since I live alone, I have no one really waiting for me when I come back. I have stumbled on your acc yesterday and I was wondering if you can write some headcanons about “comfort sex” with Douma, Muzan and Akaza when the reader comes home from a bad day at work/university. Female reader, if it’s not too much to ask for!💕

Thank you so much!

▸ ANSWERING. k now i feel both bad and stupid bc apparently i just imagined to write some reqs, idk man. anyway, here we are. hope you’ll enjoy it <3

▸ FANDOM. kimetsu no yaiba

▸ CHARACTERS. muzan kibutsuji, douma (upper rank two) & akaza (upper rank three) x fem!reader

▸ RATING. nsfw

▸ WARNINGS. smut, vanilla sex, oral sex (f receiving), fluff, praising, um they’re human i guess? it’s up to you yeah, not proofread

MUZAN KIBUTSUJI

muzan sensed something was wrong

you were clearly stressed and the fact that you had a bad day was written all over your face

“come here, darling,” he patted his laps and you approached him, sitting down

he would kiss you so lovingly while caressing your tensed up body

he would lay you down on the couch, start undressing you and kiss all over your skin

he praised you, filling you with compliments while he reminded you to ignore whoever made you feel bad

“you’re smart, everything will work out the way you desire.”

his thrusts were gentle and slow

the pleasure overshadowed everything, making you forget about your bad day

muzan was here to make love to you, keep it in mind

his big hands caressed your shoulders and your hips

he teasingly pinched your nipples, because he knew that it makes you laugh sometimes

when you two are finished he would keep you close to his body, secured into his warm embrace

“i love you, darling.”

DOUMA

douma saw you were upset and simply decided that all you needed was a good fuck and some food

okay no, let’s slow thing down

he would take you to your bedroom

undress you

kiss all over your pretty face

then would let you lie down on the bed

and boom, he’s between your legs

douma was born to satisfy you (he thinks so)

he probably ate you out for a couple of hours

your thighs always ended up squeezing his head

his nose bumped into your clit while he used his tongue on you

his thick fingers thrusting and curling into your warm channel, wet sounds filling the room

his reward? your moans and whines

when he finally decided to leave your poor pussy alone, who’s now all puffy and wet, most of his face is wet with your juices

there was a smirk on his face while he looked down at your trembling body

then he ordered your favourite food and ate it in bed with you, cuddling and chatting about random stuff (:

AKAZA

this man is straight up from heaven

because as soon as you enter your house he’s there to welcome you, kiss you passionately and show you what he prepared for you

when it still wasn’t enough to cheer you up, he decided to take you to bed

he took his time with you

his lips probably kissed every inch of your skin

he payed special attention to your breasts, sucking and licking your hardening nipples, then your stomach and just after all that, his lips connected with your throbbing clit

his lips and fingers worked to make you cum

twice

then he freed his cock, pumped it a few times and sank into you

“you’re doing so good, sweetheart.”

“oh, fuck. you really needed that, huh?”

he’s so lovely and gentle 😭

his thrusts are slow but hard, akaza knows how to make you see stars

and your moans and your grip on his shoulders are the confirmation

you arched your back before cumming a third time

akaza came soon after, you could feel the spurts of white coating your walls while his cock twitched

cuddles because you deserved to be treated like a princess <3

▸ BEFORE LEAVING. reblog and comments are super appreciated. i strangely don’t hate it??? lol, thank you for reading by the way !! <3

hey long anon back (another anon said they agreed w the “long anon” and that actually made me smile) here to apologize again out of courtesy of this long message even if you’ve said not to hehe (sorry for not listening to u)

WHAT THE HELL!!?!1!3?2?32 oh my lord. that ending is such a great way to leeway into what i assume will be the break point between jenni and alexia’s endings. thanks for already breaking my heart… again.

i was just wondering throughout this part if bambi was going to be considered for her own input on this decision. she’s obviously young but she’s ultimately going to be the one most affected by these decisions… but upon reflection i guess it would be hard to conduct that sort of conversation. maybe we can put bambi in an interrogation room and just straight up ask her who she prefers and connect her to a lie detector test (what’s another round of trauma going to do to her at this point? kidding. love u bambi i’m here for u and u only now) but seriously i feel like bambi’s rationale or input on how she’s feeling about either jenni or alexia is sort of needed… idk. maybe it’s just me?

eli telling alexia to think with her head and not her heart is so so real. both jenni and alexia definitely have their own opinions but i still do think jenni’s being more rational about everything—(hear me out alexia agenda) jenni has always wanted bambi and even if she’s expressed jealousy that she was alexia’s and not jenni’s… jenni ultimately has always thought about what was best FOR bambi. the argument that bambi is biologically alexia’s and thus should stay with her isn’t my cup of tea because it isn’t a matter of who claims the child… it’s a matter of who is the better caretaker. jenni’s proven to be just that. she’s had her pitfalls: not immediately realizing the signs of meningitis (even if it DID seem like she clocked symptoms but not what was happening… if that makes sense), inadvertently frightening bambi in the hospital. but what she does is always FOR bambi, and that manifests itself in her mindset and actions.

for alexia things seem unnatural. a lot in terms of bambi was sort of done for alexia and her own feelings/gain. injured i, for example—i sort of got the feeling alexia snapped at eli so she could hold bambi to regulate her feelings, to try and make herself feel better now that she’s lost her chances at playing in the euros. she comments that she’ll be able to spend more time now with bambi but that feels so bitter to me. putting bambi in football even if there were no results and then being disappointed was for herself too—it shows especially in her pride of jaume being a footballer later on. eli’s the one to suggest ballet and then alexia feels proud because bambi’s got alexia’s determination and drive. and it sucks she only truly sees this drive because she never used to spend time at the studio anyway. at the price of bambi’s happiness (to see her mother watching her at something she loves to do) alexia chooses to routinely run errands instead. buying her trains was probably the only thing done FOR bambi to flourish her interests and it makes me so upset bc even after all that i still feel bad for alexia 😭

again jenni is rational and knows her place. bambi is biologically alexia’s, and alexia has the last say. she’s respectful and won’t admit her deeper, darker feelings towards alexia’s now-tainted relationship with bambi. i like that her sole focus is bambi (the fact she’s thought through the ballet studio near her apartment and the fact that her club is good for childcare too has me so soft.) and while alexia’s made THE bad™️ mistake, and she IS trying to make things right… her rationale is to keep bambi for herself. to fulfill the perfect family picture she’s painted in her mind. there are instances where she admits jenni’s probably better (because she is) and so i’m lost again truly trying to imagine what it’d be like in alexia’s ending over jenni’s. would jenni still be present in bambi’s life in alexia’s version? can jenni move back to spain in either outcome? that way (again) bambi’s not uprooted from her entire family in spain and so jenni can ultimately be bambi’s primary caretaker and easily facilitate bambi seeing eli and alba <3

alright idk if i’ve made any sense… sorry if i didn’t 🫣 ps. thank you for treat you better iii <3 codi’s my most favourite person ever tbh. flowers for you and for codi! 💐 what’s your fav flower?

Bambi didn't get any input at all. It was completely out of her hands, mainly because she doesn't fully understand the situation she is in despite it all revolving around her. She doesn't understand the intricacies and just how close she was to having it affect her in a much more severe way. There's a chance that if they ask her then she'll choose whoever is her current favourite. She can't think about the long-term effects of her decision. But she should have gotten some input but Eli's right. Alexia (at the moment) has all the rights to Bambi so if she doesn't want to do something then nobody can force her to.

Jenni has always been in Bambi's corner from the very beginning but she definitely does have her pitfalls and the longer the situation goes on the more jealous and spiteful she gets. She's been caring for Bambi for at least a month now and Bambi's at that age where she mimics what she sees and all Alexia can see in Bambi now is Jenni. The only thing she has to grab onto (proof that Bambi is still her daughter) is that they're biologically related. That and Bambi having Alexia's drive is the only thing Alexia can think of that still gives her a connection to Bambi.

My favourite thing is when you guys pull in the wider context of the previous parts and the little things in the future too. Alexia in Injured is inherently selfish in her parenting style sometimes (it's something she works on in the future though). She is successful in football and she wants the other aspects of her life to be successful too and sometimes she's a bit blinded in her chase for her idea of a perfect family which is slightly what happened with Bambi. She was too busy showing off her perfect new child that she forgot about her other perfect child.

I mentioned it before but being a mother (at least to Bambi at first) didn't come easy to Alexia. She suffered severely from PPD after Bambi's birth and even when she recovered, those feelings (and guilt) were still there implicitly and they definitely come out sometimes when interacting with Bambi. Again, it's something she works on in the future because no matter what Alexia feels that she just can't be a good mother to Bambi sometimes (which is where she admits that Jenni definitely just does it better than her) but on the other hand, she knows she can be a good mother. Alexia wants to be selfish because she knows she can be the mother Bambi deserves but she also knows that she can't be too selfish because Bambi deserves the best chance at life too and that might not be with her.

Jenni would definitely be in some aspects of Bambi's life in Alexia's Version but to a much lesser degree. Her friendship with Alexia in that version never quite heals because she will never get over Alexia not letting her keep Bambi.

At some point in Jenni's Version, they move back to Spain but not immediately. Jenni still has commitments in Mexico and the distance from Spain and Alexia is probably good for Bambi at the moment.

Codi is my underrated fav. Her little badge tap when she lifted the trophy was so sweet. She's such a cutie. Jonas needs to play her more.

My favourites are tulips 💐

hey it's the anon who asked what dr*m did,

I decided to do my own research (mainly cause I was curious) but... I can't find much? let me rephrase it - I did find the allegations from 6ish months ago, that he's going to court with one(?) of them, but that's... all? I didn't find the court's verdict, confirmations, or him admitting either... and any post or video I find has both the OP and the comments mostly on his side and believing that it's either not true or true but not grooming, even people who say they're not his fans or don't even like him.

so Im not sure if the confirmation didn't reach youtube or if I'm searching wrong or something?

but honestly while researching I realized that I cant stand him lmao, gotta agree with some comments I read - he made a mistake by showing more of his personality online, looks like any time he can handle a situation wrong/respond wrong he does it

so dunno, guess I didnt find the confirmation but at least now I don't find his old minecraft videos interesting anymore so theres that

Yeah he can't act properly to save his fucking life

Also I think most of the threads on Twitter and stuff that have all the proof he's guilty/etc is probably long buried, unfortunately. You could probably try to ask around saying you're trying to get the whole picture but tbh it's not a huge deal if you can't. You can try searching my blog but Tumblr sucks with that shit. The fact that this and his other controversies have been buried and lost to the void of the internet is typical white boy with a monstrously big platform shit so I'm not surprised. I never heard any details about court (prob for legal reasons) or a conviction either. All I know is there was screenshot proof from the victim that they talked, and Dr*m confirmed the screenshots were real but didn't say anything about other details. But those details literally can't be false if the screenshots & the shit said in them are true.

Anyway, as far as his other bullshit goes:

People found old kkk meme edits on his yt account through the wayback machine. More than once if I'm not mistaken

He has a history of defending himself using the r slur

He cheated "on accident" in a speedrun (the least important thing ever but everyone always brings it up)

He claimed he was going to donate all proceeds during pride month to lgbt+ charities & he'd do charity streams all month but never did

He defended himself about replying to haters, which would send thousands of his toxic stans after the person getting them doxxed/death threats/etc and he refused to address that it was irresponsible of him bc he was too entitled to immaturely clap back at the antis. Even other ccs, like B/itzel called him out about shit related to how he uses his platform irresponsibly & he unfollowed & shaded them like a bitch baby

The whole "accidental" copycat shit with QSMP/USMP and basically softcore stalking Q/uackity online.

His "apologies" for all of the above fucking sucked in multiple ways. And that's just 2021-Now shit I can remember off the top of my head, I lost my Twitter in May last year so now I get my info from people's posts about it on here or links to tweets.

Everyone largely suspects he spontaneously reignited d/smp lore & started the finale to cover up the groomer thing bc he has a history of doing smth "new and cool" every time he causes drama to divert attention and avoid accountability.

He's also suspected of suddenly rewriting the d/smp finale to paint his Irredeemable Abuser Villain Up Until The Last Stream as a sympathetic poor baby out of nowhere and wrote that his victim, c!Tommy apologized to him, which sends a HORRIBLE message about abusive relationships. T/ommy and T/ubbo have both subtly mentioned not liking the finale and that Dr*m had AWFUL communication during the last like 6+ months of the smp.

He also suddenly showed up in T/ubbo's chat lurking while T/ubbo happened to be mentioning he'd do his own research on the grooming situation instead of blindly siding with Dr*m and it was some shit out of a horror movie is2g, he suddenly dmed T/ubbo out of nowhere during it on discord saying they'd talk about it after T/ubbo wasn't streaming. Basically sounds like he was gonna bias T/ubbo about his innocence. Like he hadn't been in chat all stream long but SUDDENLY he was there the second the topic came up. But the d/smp ccs also can't say anything about the situation since it's a legal matter, so a handful of ccs have just stated/implied they don't support him other ways

He only quit MCC bc he threw a tantrum about how he couldn't practice for it but now that MCC island exists, people were getting better than him. He's habitually a sore loser about that kinda shit

He's got that whole weird "is he, isn't he" bullshit going on about him being lgbt. I personally think he's just catering to his stupid d/n/f shippers bc they like to truth their relationship & sexuality all the time and he's never explicitly said he's bi or smth. He's just vaguely been like "yeeeaahhhh I mostly like girls like 99% but maaaayyybeee I like guys idkkkk. 🤪" But he's also done that multiple times so who tf knows. I'm not gonna fully dismiss him & I understand no one including me is entitled to his specific sexuality, but he has garbage credibility on like everything so I'm neutral on the matter and find it hard to believe him

Not directly him related, but his stans went on a long and horrifying witch hunt on Twitter during the kkk ordeal doxxing, death threatening & harassing ENTIRE mcyt subtwts who spoke out against him and called him out on his racism, performative activism, shitty apology, etc. For example, I was part of S/neeg's subtwt and all my mutuals and me had to go private to avoid getting doxxed. It felt like being raided in some dystopian ass horror film. Entire subtwts were going private, panicking, paranoid they'd get outed & stalked & harassed by people just for condemning racism, raising Black voices, etc. It was borderline traumatic to some people, I know people who lost sleep over it bc they were so afraid.

That's all I can think of off the top of my head but the end of 2021 to early 2022 was a fucking nightmare between him being an immature entitled piece of shit and his stans blindly defending him and going out of their way to endanger people who rightfully opposed him.

Ok so one aspect of Ben’s heel turns that is interesting and I hope gets explored in the upcoming miniseries (Steven foxe actually likes Ben and is the one writing it) is that they both occur in reaction to his autonomy being severely violated.

Yes I will elaborate

His turn as the jackal comes from Warren physically torturing him to death multiple times and forcibly bringing him back against his will and his current status as Chasm comes from beyond violating his mind to the point where his own face in the mirror is something he can’t see. (don’t even get me started on how “he willingly trusted them” is a dubious claim at best. They would have had to calibrate that helmet specifically for his brainwaves and they’re a corporation. They would not do this if they didn’t think they could get away with it.)

This all leads into what I think keeps driving Ben into these heel turns is : an inability to admit when he isn’t in control. In order for him to actually heal (and not just have the symptoms fade), he’d have to actually process and face what’s been done to him for what it was. Which also means he would need to rely on someone else. that’s a tough ask to make of someone whose formative years were spent on the run alone without a consistent support system. who has had his trust taken advantage of on a pretty consistent basis. I’m mostly drawing from some of the lost years and the clone conspiracy tie ins (there’s literally a bit where ock calls him out on how the “cellular degeneration is to keep you in line” thing is bullshit to make him seem in control of things in issue #20. Also reading issue #24 and #22 with lost years issue 0 in mind makes it a great way to close out Ben and warrens relationship.)

His need to seem in control also drives his worst actions during both events too. At the end of clone conspiracy instead of admitting what actually happened, (ock’s vindictive bullshit causing Ben and everyone else to start decaying to dust) his need to seem in control causes him to double down and spread it in the vain belief that he can just revive them later.

Dark web has this too, though it’s harder to see since wells is a shitty writer who needs Madelyn to be the “hero” of the event (don’t get me started on how suspiciously similar Ben’s hallucination and the nightmare that caused her to make that deal are. Seriously don’t) after Ben’s tree rots, just when he’s been abandoned and (at least to him) soon to be discarded and locked up, Janine arrives with Madelyn’s scythe. Right there js the key to keeping them from being separated, from being locked away and forgotten. Peter might have his memories but they’ll have the city and a whole dimension. If they surrender, they’ll be arrested and separated at best so why not go all the way?

All of this leads to the upcoming two issues. ASM #47 and #48, followed by the miniseries (which will hopefully get a full series). Based on the covers and previews, Ben and Janine have reunited and have someone supposedly there to help Ben with his memories who Janine doesn’t trust. Based on the recap text, they likely have to use Peter for part of the restoration. Issue 48 only has the cover but unlike issue 47, Janine is nowhere to be seen. Based on the previews and the fact that the cover shows spidey and Ben fighting, I’m assuming the process fails and something happens to Janine, peter tries to talk but fucks it up (seriously though he sucks at talking to Ben and Janine) and Ben fights/lashes out at him but loses, leading into Chasm curse of Kaine.

Chasm curse of kaine will likely involve his efforts to continue after this devastating defeat. He’s likely to double down and play up the “monster with no remorse or conscience” angle (think faith in 5 by 5) but Kaine knows him better than anyone, even Peter. If anyone can see through Ben’s bullshit, it’s him. Cue them doing an enemy mine (bc they’re bound to have at least one instance of it.)/Kaine helping him get Janine back.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that there is a route to take his character that can make it work. Maybe not perfectly, but there is a way to tie things together and make a path forward to something new.

can i ask why people in the fandom seem to really dislike mishka? (censoring her name and such) this is not meant in an offensive way to you or to anyone else, i’m just new here and kind of confused. like did she do something legitimately wrong or are people just irked by the writing of the new book? hope you have a great day <3

OH yeah sorry i can definitely see how that's confusing to new people LMAO

so, it's a bit of both imo – i've been here since 2020, shortly after book 2 dropped, so my perspective is a lot different than newer fans

so, one of the reasons i censor her name, is because tumblr changed the search functions – used to be, when you looked up something, it was only things that were in that exact word order in a tag – so if you spelled t/w/c wrong in some way, it'd only show up results that were misspelled, if that makes sense

but now, it's like if you look up any word, random posts that mention it anywhere in the post will show up too – and i would rather not open myself up to the m*shka bootlickers bc i just do not have time for that LMFAO

i rarely maintag things these days because i just don't want to be perceived by so much of this fandom, but that's just a me thing

also, in terms of what she did "wrong"... on top of problematic stuff in text, there's a few things i can think of off the top of my head:

encouraging white/washed art by reblogging on to her dev blog while knowingly having the official skintone palette locked behind a paywall (patreon)

when called out for the above, they did vet their pieces i guess – by only reblogging black and white pieces, and art of detectives. then they stopped reblogging art completely

posting a white hand for a morgan instagram edit – and taking hours to delete the harassment in the replies, some of which being actually racist comments with slurs pointed at black people

in a q&a video, referred to m as an "attack dog", which was super insensitive, considering the consistent comparison of m to an animal across all platforms (text, tumblr posts, patreon content)

her treatment of f over the years, both in text and outside of it. her asks were a huge reason that the fandom has an infantilized view of f and they don't even consider them to be a love interest (much less one that gets physically intimate). they see them as a child. this bullet point is a massive one that would take too long to explain. i could probably write an essay on how problematic it is to immediately "other" your singular black character by literally making them an otherworldly alien, but i do not have the time

how she writes nb/trans characters. from what my friends have said who code dive, they get the same dialogue and variants that women do. obviously if you don't code dive or play with nb characters you probably wouldn't notice, but there are a good chunk of people in the fandom who play with nb oc's so... this is something that should be better, but it's not

to add to the above, she said she was getting sensitivity readers but... did they do anything? look at book 3 and tell me if they actually did anything (i have a feeling maybe those sensitivity readers were white queer people)

overall, it's very hard to explain and condense the fuckery my mutuals and i have seen both m*shka do over the years, and what her fans have let slide/incidents they've coddled her up during.

sadly, she doesn't take hard stances on things. she just lets things happen and that just. doesn't bode well if your argument for all these mistakes is "ignorance". if she's getting 10k a month on patreon plus sales (not to mention the fact she's a grown ass woman), then... it's the bare minimum to ask for her to be mindful of her audience and to do better.

and also book 3 sucks xoxo

I just finished season 4 and unlike with the others I didnt have a whole lot to say as a was watching, mainly because I was actually enjoying myself and thought the season was mostly really good ? absolutely wild. Nevertheless I have some thoughts

I LOVE Alya and Marinette working together, its a delight. When I talk about "man can you imagine if MLB did like a magical girl show and focused on female friendships instead of catfighting" THIS is what Im talking about!! And Idgaf about how this affects the Love Square at this point, this is all Ive wanted! Also, I feel like Alya and Nino knowing each others identities cheapens the Love Square conflict more than anything but I cant fully articulate why so I'll just leave it at that

The Love Square is in a very strange place where, when the identity reveal finally does happen, its simultaneously going to feel like its too little too late (a la the destiel confession bc this fucking show is just straight queerbaiting) and rushed because like. what kind of development is there between these two. They barely focused on romance this season (which is definitely part of why I think its better lol) but I dont mean that in the sense that we had less catfights and Marinette making a fool of herself for no reason, I mean that in the sense that it barely felt like they interacted at all, atleast to me so thats kinda odd

In the past Ive complained about how the civillian plotline usually feels very disconnected from the superhero/akuma plotline and I think theyve done a much better job, my favorite episode of the season is probably Qilin both for tying the akuma into the civillian plot and for having a somewhat unique conflict resolution. In general, I liked that we had people rejecting akumas as well as preventative measures in form of the charms, although I do think it sucks that a few episodes afterwards Shadowmoth just figures out a way to circumvent them and then its back to business as usual. I feel like a better workaround would be that the charms can only protect you from one akumatization each, so like, the charm Ladybug gave her grandfather in Simpleman can only protect him from becoming Simpleman again, but if he turns into Bakerix, she needs to give him a different charm. But I do find the charms cute

The new heroes all suck tbh, the only design I liked was Purple Tigress and Pigella came close to looking kinda good but then they made it this intensely unflattering shade of pink, which I find impressive because Rose is already wearing an completely different intensely unflattering shade of pink in her civillian form. One thing that I appreciated about whatever Mylenes superhero form is called, Pigella and Purple Tigress is that they had more justifiable reasons for Ladybug to pick them than most of the heroes in the last season, who were mostly just picked because They Were There ig. And then Penealteam rolled around and we were back to doing exactls that kind of bullshit. great.

Also, Ive already talked about this in a seperate post, but if they absolutely insisted on looking for a replacement for the Bee, it shouldve been Sabrina and they shouldntve invented a whole new character for it

Adrien got a little more focus this season and we actually got some insight into his character when hes not either The Object Of Marinettes Idolization or Ladybugs Punny Sidekick Thats Slowly Becoming Obsolete which I enjoyed because he has a lot of potential from a dramatic standpoint what with being Hawkmoths son and all, but hes usually so bland that I dont really care too much so this was pretty nice. And it only took us 4 seasons for him to get some focus, yknow, the other superhero in the title? Well better late than never I guess

Speaking of Adrien, Ive made quite a few posts where I said that this season would be ruined for me the second the Sentiadrien reveal happens but it never did, we're getting that in season 5 and I am not looking forward it especially considering the small taste Ive already gotten of it with Adrien being very obviously controlled by that ring. Like, I'll probably talk about it in more detail when it gets fleshed out in the show but for now I'll just say it doesnt make the stakes higher like the writers seem to think, it make the story wayyyy less interesting and it feels like its supposed to be an explanation for Adriens behaviour towards his father when we absolutely do not need one beyond "hes being abused"

I know I said that I thought this season was really good and now Im just just complaining mostly like I always do but idk, Im not as good at formulating my positive thoughts as my negative ones. The last thing I'll say is that I loved Scarabella and I loved her design and I loved the whole episode she was in, as well as the entirety of Sentibubbler, Alya really served this season

Thats it, thanks for reading :D

tbh now that i think of it i kind of needed him not for himself but for myself too. so that is fucked up a bit maybe from my side too. like that i needed someone secure enough to kind of mm trust them and be truly honest and transparent and loving and giving but not because i so very much loved them and wanted to give TO THEM but to see if i can trust myself to let myself be giving. if that makes sense. to let myself try be securely attached. but not necessarily because im madly in love. but like train my vulnerability. he said he read my poem and it was nice, cheesy at times but with good parallels and metaphores. i explained one part to him more in detail too bc it was pretty open to interpretation. he said he will write it down but i dont think he will. but it also feels so cringe because he was meant to read it when he still had feelings for me. also a good um.. stepping stone for me i guess. to admit i have feelings for someone still when they dont, although im acc not too sure myself how much i was truly madly attached either. feels good to swallow my pride though. i also tend to lose feelings when ppl arent attracted to me which is good. i dont have a problem w chasing him. im attracted to ppl being attracted to me which in a way, from me, is also a bit fucked up. he also didnt become a part of my real immediate daily routine as i didnt really text w him too much. we just were together irl a lot and really present in those times. and i also made sure i didnt abandon my friends this time so i still massively have my support system w me. but it sucks a bit bc i literally talked abt him to so many of my friends but its okay like i dont owe anyone anything to last just bc i talked abt it. and shit changes. just bc i said sth true in one moment doesnt mean i has to stay true forever or that now that it isnt true anymore that it couldnt have been immensely true at one point. one thing that was pretty fucked up tho is that he told me he wanted to have sex w me just bc he was looking for certainty and answers abt his feelings from there not bc he acc felt connected to me. like i usually.. want to be intimate when i feel love not disconnect..... and now he said he didnt find it from there. but like.. we were literally both so high and it was such a bad situation. no wonder you cant feel a spark bc i was literally numb like a vegetable. he said he knows it was a bad decision but like why do you take this situation to tell you clues abt what next then. and like. the same way with all our previous hangouts when i felt sth off. like the reason it was off was bc he was off and not fully honest abt it. it felt like such a relief when he said all the words out so rawly at last and i felt i could come out of this weird anxious shell of a performance i had on w him the past few times bc of the way i felt sth was weird but i couldnt tell what it was so i couldnt fully be normal myself either. so like the last times he gave me "chances" couldnt have been proper chances to show him anything true bc it didnt feel like... normal. there was an elephant in the room that was standing right between us. but he refused to address it when i tried to. i guess i got my answer that its not that im weird that i keep getting into these awk situations but that the other person feels weird and that is the thing affecting me. im fucking normal. i cried a bit too like its not that i am not affected by it at all but i think im kind of fine. i anyway didnt see him for 2 weeks now. its just weird bc we had plans which made us be together daily for like 2 weeks straight and um. i dont know if i can do that. even if we are friends bc i dont usually do that w my friends really. its weird. but like. fuck idk.

fixed stranger things season 4 finale

there was actually a lot i liked about this season! there was also i did NOT like

-russia plot should've been 3 eps at the maximum. come up with something for the adults to do after that

-hopper reunion should've been middle of the season. it was all build-up and so little payoff. i propose he and joyce land back in the states and learn el was abducted and the boys are missing. maybe murray figures out a way to track them. then joyce and hopper go to save their fucking daughter!! perhaps they are a day or so behind the boys, so they still get their little journey. or maybe they land somewhere else and converge on el's location

-after that, one, MAYBE TWO, eps before the NINA plot is resolved

-el and hopper deserved to be a family on screen. their relationship is important. and now even more so. they both understand what it's like to be imprisoned and tortured... they thought they wouldn't see each other again. why do the duffer brothers do this to me

-joyce and hopper could've gone on a date, had a stakeout that sort of counted as a date, something

-too much papa. mf should've been dead ages ago

-i think el deserved to kill him

-just wanted the whole group to be able to coordinate. and the adults to BE THERE AT ALL.

-nancy and jonathon should've been able to meet much earlier in the season to give them time to actually interact in the awkward state of their relationship. to talk...... this goes for a lot of characters. we stick thru the show for the characters, let us see them together!!

this ended up way long... more under the cut

-how do the parents of the rest of the kids still not know what's going on?? they should have some hint

-also erica snitching to the cops ?! cmon girl 😭

-chrissy and eddie were both acted so well. the duffers keep creating these great characters and wasting their potential 😭

-eddie cutting the rope and moving the mattress :| bad decision. i guess it was to buy more time but augh. yknow, if they'd had an adult with them..... (also still do not understand how the rope works. wonder if it was a reference to Rope Trick in D&D)

-any of the young adults walking away from each other in the upside down was a dumb move. i could barely concentrate on the contrived romantic drama bc i kept thinking "robin HAS to have stepped on a tentacle by now"

-when whatshisface was yelling about how chrissy wouldn't buy drugs, that she wasn't going thru anything bc she never talked about it, lucas should've had lines relating to his experience with max. that people isolate themselves and feel like they can't talk to the ones they care about. even if it didn't calm whathisface down, i think it would've been a good and true attempt, and it would've tied into the themes of the season

-when lucas punched out that hateful prick and was free, LUCAS' VOICE SHOULD'VE PULLED MAX OUT. if her favorite song works, why not a favorite voice?! he and el pulling her out together would've been so amazing...

-for that matter the decision to take off her headphones at all sucked

-in my opinion max's fate was far too brutal. jesus christ. she didn't deserve that. one broken arm would've been traumatizing enough. if it's for a plot in the future, they still could've made her blind since the process had already started. and i'm scared she is paralyzed. like, just. what the fuck man. hasn't she dealt with enough?!

-not to mention lucas and el watching that... :( i was stricken over that scene. too many tortured kids this season

-someone else could've died to complete the portal. not that i wanted more brenner, but what if they had utilized his character that way? maybe he comes after el (he sees her as his project, his life's work... her escaping while he still lived wouldn't be uncontested). maybe el actually kills him in place of vecna killing max, and the portal is opened anyway. then you could've had a vecna invasion as the finale

-this way you can still have el feel guilty and give her more development (max could be somewhat hurt, but add in killing brenner and completing vecna's portal and vecna has some great manipulation material for next season. "you're just like me eleven, you hurt the ones who hurt you and helped me complete my portal...")

-pacing was terrible. should've put the volunteer scene with robin and the cute girl in the beginning of the season, or at least before the climax. they left so many subplots going so long they had to resolve them all at the end, so it felt both packed in and much too long

-every scene was too long. it's like they were given all this time, and rather than make good use of it, they just stretched out the original hour-long plots

-gonna have an negative pavlov response to joyce wearing a hat now. i cannot explain how aggravating the russia plot was. every episode i thought "it MUST be over by now!" and then THEY DIDN'T EVEN LEAVE RUSSIA UNTIL AFTER THE CLIMAX OF THE SEASON. if it was due to a scheduling conflict they really should've figured something else out

-this show is about mommy issues. lean into it

-GIVE WILL AND MAX POWERSSSSS

-if there is not a flamethrower per person next season what is anyone even doing

Please explain this crush situation, it sounds like good drama!

lmao I don’t think?? I’ve posted about it before but it’s not THAT interesting I promise

also SO sorry but Due To The Autusm I don’t know how NOT to make this a Long Story

let’s see…

so the thing about communities of expats/immigrants/foreigners is that there are ALWAYS people coming and going but for a while here I had a really tight group of friends I met through work and we did EVERYTHING together. We’ll call them J, N, and B. All around my age. J was a guy from Canada, N an American guy, and B a South African girl.

N, bless his soul, has always been the most OBVIOUSLY gay guy but has wayyyyy too much internalized homophobia to deal with it so compensated by being wayyyy too into women, you know? But also he had a collection of 300 perfumes and reviewed them on YouTube lol so

ANYway he was in one really weird relationship with some girl we never even got to meet for a while and then he met Z, who started hanging out with all of us. She was always so great and they were so cute together.

So eventually J (the coolest guy, we always watched hockey together) moved back to Canada and N and Z left to go work for the summer on a ranch in the US. The tentative plan was for N to stay there because he’d always been very vocal about hating Taiwan but Z was gonna kind of play it by ear. I figured they were gonna get married, they’d already been together a couple years and had a very strong relationship

Anyway idk what happened but the minute N stepped back on American soil, his inner asshole started to show. He just became this horrible annoying person I didn’t really want anything to do with, so I haven’t talked to him much since.

I kept in touch with Z who was having a terrible time with him. He all of a sudden broke up with her in a REALLY shitty way and she moved back here. Then he moved to like Bolivia or something idk.

So then Z, B, and I were still here. B is always busy or super depressed (no judgment) so I hardly ever see her, so Z and I started hanging out alone.

It was a LITTLE awkward at first bc I only ever hung out with her through N?? But actually we got along so great and hang out as much as we can now

That’s cool, that’s fine, but I started feeling this attraction to her and this chemistry between us that suggested it… could? be mutual?? Like there were definitely signals, especially the time we went through the haunted house together wow

We had a couple discussions that were like “okay so I guess we’re both technically pretty pansexual” so it would hypothetically work ((I DO strongly id as gay but my attitude is anything’s possible u know?))

A while after that I invited her to an open mic I was performing at and sang girl crush about her asfjljdzhk

Then we had a discussion where she was basically like “I don’t date friends” which is super fair but also we still weren’t talking about us specifically

Anyway that was several months ago and my feelings have def toned down since then (also her work schedule sucks so we don’t see each other that often) and like. idk I’ve done this once before about having a crush on someone I got in super well with and then missing my chance (that person ended up dating our other friend and they’ve been together like 5 years now rip) but this also isn’t something I’m super active or serious about right now????

i hate second manga route for haruka and especially takane's stupid arcs but LIKE I ALWAYS SAY its got so much going for it. ayano and shintaro especially. ayano being the shittiest sister ever and shintaro being Literally the awesomest brother really gets me like its so funny

shintaro being so. Weird/mean in more typical routes because of retaining eyes even if it's repressed/inactive... i know its because kagepro was written in the course Of Years and it's honestly a game of telephone so it's more a matter of lack of consistency rather than this but i like to explain it with that lol

in main route shintaro and momo barely speaking, not being close at all. but in an original way they were THE closest siblings... sniff sniff. like so much was sacrificed in the way to their happy ending, their relationship being one. and for shintaro (with retaining) to eventually remember this but not momo... and how it'd cause a shift in his behavior bc he REMEMBERS all these moments they spent together in some other lifetime and how he felt about it then, and it's simultaneous with how he feels with this lifetime and this specific relationship he's built with his sister. it's a lot!! he doesn't stop being him, but all these other routes are overwritten over one another and how he feels in each one is completely simultaneous with how he feels about the present. augh. this is complicated for all his relationships ofc like (drum rolls) takane because of Many reasons but for example he fucking killt her once and he KNOWS that. but hehe. kisaragi siblings. that was just my obligatory takane mention bc i can't help myself BUT IM TALKING ABT SHINTARO AND MOMO

momo just sees shintaro acting awkward and trying to approach her and she's like 😐weird. ofc she still reciprocates!! like DAMN shintaro wanting to be her brother and get closer to her?? it's one of her biggest wishes come true!!!! but its awkward as fuck!!

shintaro is dealing with MANY things as he goes through life with all these memories + living past the end of the story, and momo is terrified of scaring shintaro away because she doesn't KNOW all he knows and he's shit at trying to communicate and just talk. but maybe their mom can come home and be like oh. u guys are watching tv together?? thats strange. and theyre like oh. yeah i guess <- wrestled for who got the remote, momo obviously won, shintaro complains but still stays to watch whatever the hell obscure tv show momo is into. shintaro keeps criticizing it and momo's like just leave if it bothers u so much and he's like NO. im googling the directors and writers of this as we speak.

also i know ive said this 1000 times but car guy shintaro. this guy gets his license and is everyone's taxi driver. but ESPECIALLY momo. he drives her to school everyday and they scream sing together the entire way. momo makes a car playlist to sing with him but will never admit it's a playlist specifically made with shintaro in mind and how funny she thinks it'll be when call me maybe comes on and shintaro will be like AUGGH THIS SUCKS LOWER THE VOLUME but immediately starts singing too.

AND ALSO he tries teaching her how to drive and she crashes their mom's car and shintaro takes the blame. as punishment he can't use the car for a while. in that while momo still gets her license Somehow even though she is an awful awful driver and now since shintaro isnt allowed to drive for a bit momo is taking him and he's FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE.

anyways kisaragi siblings😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 also ayaki not only watching shintaro managing to get closer to momo in this lifetime too, but also sees ayano be this supposedly perfect big sister.

post str ayano with all this guilt over abandoning her siblings and feeling totally incapable of everything, both academically and emotionally. but ayaki is still a little jealous bc even if she Knows how ayano must feel (despite not even being in her head like with shintaro. she knows bc she IS ayano) kano kido and seto DO see her as a good big sister. i think ayaki harbors certain "hatred" for the surviving ayano because she. hates herself. and this ayano has everything ayaki fought for and is still just as incapable and it pisses her off. i think both ayanos feel horrible specifically about kano's involvement in everything and what he had to deal with when ayano died. ayaki thinks god. i/she still failed for protect him. this SUCKS. she knows ayano hates herself bc she hates her and she is her💥

....and also in case of shinaya ayakis like THIS IS RIDICULOUSSS!! HIM OF ALL PEOPLE?!?!?! COME ONNNN. erm anyways💥

Burnout recovery (?)

It took me a while to figure out why I was so down all the time. But I didn't take the "good news" that well tbh. Because:

"It takes an average time of three months to a year to recover from burnout. "

And I was like. NOPE. FUCK. THAT!

Well, the first few days after that were even worse because I kept pressuring myself to do something, anything other than lying in bed and staring at the ceiling. But even something as so no energy "task" as listening to music was making me... idk how else to say it other than itchy...

Anyway, eventually I just gave up, let it consume me and slept away like 2 days... AND GUESS WHAT? I felt a tiny bit better.

So I'd say the first step is just LET IT ALL FUCKING GO! Turn the nagging in your head off and stop caring about anything else than getting a good rest!

My work drove me insane for the last 3 years or so and tbh it took over my life far, far sooner than that. It wasn't healthy. Letting that go took like 2-3 weeks ( I had "help" from other tortured colleagues 🫶 talking helps!) and a lots of Youtube shorts about "this is business not personal". Yay to scrolling paralysis.

Yeah, and about that. I realised that with the burnout I really burned all the bridges that kept my autistic/adhd traits in check. I mean, I used to have a good balance, now I'm off the scale with both in the worst way.

I think the second step is just trying to stay in that kind of relaxed, "don't care" space while figuring out the reasons why I felt so terrible. Again, Youtube shorts about autism/adhd and work mentality really helped. It was like talking to someone without actually getting myself together enough to open up about this to a "real person" (it never would have happened, you know).

And this is the part from where this might not help anyone who doesn't have adhd (and autism?) but realising that I've become a shell of adhd behaviour was actually a big step. Especially with the adhd/autism traits comparison vids bc I just understood how I was functioning when I was doing all that stuff at once.

The next step(s) I took was trying to take care of myself. Eat, sleep, wash, clean up to feel better in my skin and in my environment. I made it a challenge (chasing dopamine seems to be the only way adhd brain can do stuff). Like I'll put on this song ( I wasn't really listening to it still) and do .... until it's done. It did not help at first. Just getting into a task without thought doesn't work for me. I needed to take a minute and visualise that I'm going to do this and this and this and I'll be done in 3 minutes. I prepared for the task mentally, I hyped myself up then I did it. And it worked. Then I got too much into it and overworked myself 😅

However cliché it sounds, the key is finding balance.

Now I can listen to music, I've read 14 books this year so far and reading 5 others now, and I'm planning my year and thinking about what I want to do in life.

I still have bad moments/days and that's okay. I am still not okay but I'm getting there.

I figured, I need to occupy (not overwhelm!!!) my senses to stop my mind from wandering (and torturing me) so now when I have to do something like dishes, I just put on an audiobook and try to let everything else go.

I still can't watch movies/shows. Which sucks bc I feel like I need visual stimulation too sometimes so idk what's up with that but it's a no for now.

Writing is still a NO! (that's a screaming no in my head). But I started to write down ideas again (something I didn't really do for months)

What I know would improve my health and most likely my mental state is regular exercise, but I'm not there yet. I still regularly skip/forget to eat more than once a day so that's a priority.

It's also difficult to leave the house tbh. The outside world is overwhelming and I don't go out if I don't have to (which is like once a week now).

What I do know is that if you want to do something DO NOT SIT DOWN! You'll never get it done. There's no "in a minute" or tomorrow. If you want it done, do it now.

I'm working on building a structure/routine in my daily schedule that gives me a guide so I wouldn't waste my days but doesn't limit or outright strangle me with too many limitations by being to crowded.

15 questions for 15 mutuals

i was tagged by @annieshowell and @profesionalpartyguest, thanks frens! <3

are you named after anyone? i have a beautiful ethnic name and its not after anyone but just bc my mom liked it, she originally wanted to call me another similar name but my stupid asshole of a father said that name is used for a different gender normally so they ended up with one that has both feminine and masculine forms established. these names still have gendered endings like most in my culture do but i legitimaly never saw anyone of my assigned-at-birth gender rock that other name so it would be such a fucking gender slay if i had it. also they were expecting me to be born as another gender anyway so

when was the last time you cried? hmm im a crybaby in general so hard to remember. i cried a lot tuesday evening when watching eurovision whenever anything about my country came up 🥲 (i also accidentally hit my head on the wall out of excitement when they showed a landmark of my city) also yesterday bc i was super sick

do you have kids? no and i dont have opinion on whether i want one bc i like them but having one may be too much. we'll see in the future

do you use sarcasm a lot? i used to actually do it way more (bc im a passive aggressive bitch) but now i realize i mostly stopped after i started hanging out more with people that dont exactly read it well

what sports do you play/have you played? i used to dance as a kid but i hated it (i have a vivid memory of how we got bon voyage and i really wanted to play it but i had to go to a dance lesson and leave my sister with the game i was soo upset) i also used to do yoga as a teen and now i dont do anything doctors hate me

what’s the first thing you notice about other people? hair tbh. also probably facial expressions bc i try to understand if they are angry or not

scary movies or happy endings? i dont watch scary movies and i like sweet endings

any special talents? i have that thing where you can move some parts of your body further than most people can and i used to scare people with that. but i dont think its really that abnormal

where were you born? Kyiv <3 my love. i havent been there for more than a year after leaving abruptly and its breaking my heart to even see pictures

what are your hobbies? honestly i dont do anything interesting, i just follow whatever hyperfixation has a hold over me currently. also i write a bit i guess but i wouldnt consider it a hobby. its complicated

do you have any pets? never had one :( i am allergic to kitties but i really want one in the future because im a huge fan

how tall are you? about 168 cm

fave subject in school? algebra <3 i sucked at school but i had math for about 12 times a week so i had to step it up there

dream job? something that could actually bring me joy (or at least not distress me)

eye colour? hazel

im tagging @blueybells and anyone who wants to do it, sorry im not tagging anyone else personally its just too awkward for me 😭

Ok so I know I said I was going to write “reasons Marika sucks speech” post a few months ago but anyways here it finally is

Now I’m also going to be interchanging Marika with the Greater Will sometimes since the GW choose her to like....rule 5ever so I’m just going to assume they were both on the same page. And now the Greater Will controls the Erdtree, slightly, so I’ll be interchanging with that too sometimes.

There’s going to be different segments to this, like different groups that give me evidence as to why Marika is kind of a beach, here we go:

The Gloam Eyed Queen and the Godskins could *kill* gods/people with the Black Flame (Not just kill people and have them reincarnate back from the tree, like no your soul is gone baby) and the GE Queen was an empyrean, the GW was cool with her!! They were cool with her having death powers!! And yet Marika/Maliketh killed her and lessened the power of the Black Flame so that Marika had no more outside competition, she wants to rule forever and have her cake and eat it to god damnit. And this shows so much with her own kids. How Ranni and Marika seemed to actually work together and at the same Godwyn was Marika’s most “beloved” son yet he gets the boot

Gonna go deeper with this one. I feel like people mostly focus on how a divorce messed up the Carian Royal family, but no one really talks about poor Godwyn. His dad gets kicked out, his mom makes him go fight against the dragons but finds out one is chill and befriends the dragons. And then he gets to be the one assassinated and his dragons also later on get fucked over. Maybe Ranni ordered it and then the Black Knives turn on her later OR maybe Marika did order it OR the Black Knives just spun a wheel to see who would be killed but...now Godwyn is the thing Marika hates the most, he is the Prince of Death. Which is something Marika seems to be afraid of and Marika alone.

After Godwyn we are going to move on to poor Miquella and his blade Malenia. I’m gonna be honest I don’t have a lot of meat to talk about these two. I just think its funny how Miquella wanted to cure their ails and even after Radagon did try to show his son what the Golden Order could do, it wasn’t enough so Miquella went to make his own tree. I’m not saying Marika didn’t care about her kids, I just think its amusing that she had 5 kids and 4 were 2 sets of twins, one pair being literally by definition Unwanted and another pair that is so cursed, like we don’t see any other sign of being unable to age or contact Rot. (I know Rot is another outer God but it seemed to have backed off when the GW arrived and Millicent and her sisters are all from Malenia).

Kenneth Haight, my beloved!! His whole quest being an implication that hating on non-humans did not come from royalty. And how the Erdtree’s light makes people chill with each other, why was the solution not to have everyone live under the light off the Erdtree?

Isn’t it messed up how Godfrey did a lot of the hard work and then became the first person to get kicked out. Oh! And the same thing happened to her own shadow Maliketh

This is where it gets tricky bc I’m about to talk about the whole Marika Radagon...thing

ok I’m in the camp of Radagon and Marika used to be one but they split at some point

(My theory is that Marika after dealing with the Fire Giants was cursed but she couldnt afford it so she split herself)

So Radagon becomes his own person, falls in love with Rennala have 3 beautiful children WHO ALL GO INTO SORCERY BTW ye all 3 have RED hair and Radahn looks up to his dad + Godfrey but they all went into sorcery and became masters of their own form in their own way like !!! they loved their momma

But then Godfrey gets the boot and since I guess no one else wanted to marry Marika, she calls over her male self since the world can’t go on without an Elden Lord

Radagon feels terrible so he leaves his wolves to guard his wife and hides his affections for her by remaking Rennala’s sword to look like one of the Order.

Bottomline: my main dislike for Marika comes from how her and the GW wanted to basically kick out almost everyone. The Fire Giants bc their flame could burn the Erdtree even tho the Erdtree and the Fire Giants were living peacefully beforehand. Also I love the fact that fire is actually needed to solve this Elden Ring conundrum. How the Demi-Humans, Omen, and Misbegottens were #HereFirst. The Albenarquics get treated like shit and couldn’t even join the Haligtree (maybe Miquella was influenced by Marika still) And Moon believers couldn’t even worship a physical rock in space without being told off and thrown underground. And what even determines who gets grace and who doesn’t, it’s not like this isn’t some luck of the draw thing. No, the grace is given by the Erdtree/Greater Will/Marika so what is their deal??

And then the audacity to call them all back because Marika wants to be able to do what she wants without giving up rule while everyone in The Lands Between suffers for it

Ugh ok, if you read this whole thing, thank you for putting up with my brain and thank you for reading. I just want to state as well that this is just my theory and ofc you have the right to disagree and post.

TCL 2x09 recap

Phew, this week was busy as hell so ngl this show picked a good time to have a set-up episode haha. Still, I thought the ep was actually really great, and I’m excited for what’s coming next!

Ok I’m really happy to see more of Thony’s buddhism! Lbr she needs his help rn. Was it really necessary for Fi to bring Luca to meet at the temple though? The threat of Kamdar is fairly under control for the moment, so really she could have just brought him to the house. (Sidenote, but in terms of timeline, it sounds like he’s been at JD’s for 2 nights, meaning this ep is only a day or so after last ep?). But anyway. Ngl I like seeing Thony in her jacket bc it just makes me think of her connection to Arman, but tbh I was like ‘why is everyone in long sleeves?? It’s summer in Nevada????’ but oh right no, the filming is in summer/fall, but the show must be at least nearing winter by now (not that winter in Nevada is all that cold anyway haha). But yeah in the pilot, Thony says they’ve been in the US for 8 months, and in 1x07 they celebrated all the holidays they missed having with Marco, which included Christmas. So Thony took Luca to the US in December at the latest, and then the two of them were there for 8 months already before the events of the show started taking place, and it’s now been about 3 more months since then. So I guess we could almost be in November/December again?  Too bad this isn’t the kind of show to do a christmas episode lol, I would have loved that

Ok speaking of jackets/wardrobes etc, Arman needs to stop wearing the same goddamn thing every single day (as utterly sexy as it is), bc it’s making it harder for me to know exactly when everything is happening haha. I’m gonna assume that this scene actually occurs the night before Fi and Thony meet in the temple (aka still the same day as when Thony told him about RK and Nadia’s marriage). Bc I’m guessing that Thony told him, then he left and spent a while being upset (and conflicted, because yes the lying and the manipulation sucks but hey on the other hand, suddenly he’s a free man lol) before looking up the public record, and then he goes to La Habana, where Nadia is excitedly setting up what looks to be a dinner date for them (sigh, I feel sad for both her and us lol). Tbh I think that is the timeline that makes the most sense, bc lbr, if this was happening the following day after he finds out (so the same day as Thony in the temple), then Nadia would have been upset or suspicious about where he had disappeared to for a whole night, because clearly this is their first time seeing each other since Thony’s reveal. But anyway I guess it really doesn’t matter much haha. Also I like how he’s like “so it’s true” and then later tells her that he looked it up on the public record. Like duh of course it’s true lol, you literally saw the proof? Also ngl I was very satisfied when he turned away from her kiss, and then when she hugged him, begging forgiveness, and he didn’t hug back. I know it’s mean but I just love every single thing that further proves that this relationship really has no future… (well, the romantic part of it, at least.)

Also YAAASSSSSS I knew she and Robert were still married!! I mean I’m sure I’m not the only one who called it, but still, gotta love being proved right. And like I said, gotta love Arman no longer being a married man haha. Also incidentally, if RK and Nadia ‘divorced’ after a year, then that was 7 years ago, confirming that her and Arman have been together less than that. (even if they met while she was with Robert, I doubt that she would have dared get with Arman until the divorce was supposedly finalised, given that she was afraid of RK). But anyways then aaaaahhhh the way Arman walks away from her– idk about you guys, but I just really can’t see them going back to being together after this, bc firstly there’s been a betrayal of trust on both sides, and secondly, cmon, the dude knows he’s in love with Thony, and knows that it’s her that he really wants to be with, not Nadia. Tbh though this did all work out a bit differently than I expected; I absolutely assumed that Nadia would demand to know how he found out, and would then learn of how he’d used her. But now instead of both of them being pissed at each other, we have her feeling guilty and desperate for forgiveness, while also accepting that she may have caused the end of their relationship. Which is kind of true but also not really haha. I think the dooming of this ‘marriage’ was a mutual effort tbh lol

Ugh the combination of Hyper-competent Doctor Thony and Worried Mom Thony gets me every time. But man seriously can the universe just give her and Luca a break?? Like she said in 1x06, why does it always have to be so hard?? (Bc it makes for good TV drama, of course, haha). Loved the throwback to Dr Saroyan, who has probably been enjoying the last few weeks of respite from these very stressful clients haha. I kinda wish we’d get to see him again bc I miss him, but at the same time we don’t really need him as much bc Arman has a new personal doctor now :P 

Speaking of Arman, ughhhh at the fact that she’s clearly told him about Luca being sick again. Despite the uncomfortable way their last meeting ended, they’ve obviously been in contact, arranging the next med pickup and talking about Luca and still just being there for each other even when they’re kind of being pushed into being on different sides in regards to their situation with RK/Nadia etc. Tbh I just love this scene: the way he and Fi greet each other (from her expression, it looks like she has come to accept him and his place in Thony’s life and I’m so happy about it); the way he immediately asks after Luca; the simple sincerity and the eye contact with the “I wish I could help”/”You are” ughhh. (Bc the thing is, he’s not helping Luca directly; Thony and Dr Saroyan have that covered. But he’s supporting Thony, and that’s what she truly needs).  

Nooooooo Boscoooo my boy :’C I know the writers have been basically telling us this was coming since like 2x03 but I’m still sad!! I do love that in this scene, Thony’s first response was to start checking for survivors/people needing medical help, then she saw the truck and her focus shifted to the meds and what their absence meant for Luca (and also her and Arman). Which is very much her character– help anyone in need if she can, but her family’s needs take priority. Arman’s response was just as perfect– his first reaction was Protect Thony, by warning her to stay back and also scanning all around them for further threats, and only once things appeared safe did he even think to look for Bosco. But ugh I really didn’t want to have to see Arman lose another friend, especially another whose death he’s going to torture himself over ughh. I’m sad Bosco didn’t even get to say any last words either but at least he wasn’t alone when he died. Ugh my boy deserved better :( 

And then suddenly there’s magically appearing bikers (let’s ignore that their engines should have been audible way before they got that close, shall we? lol) and Armony running from bullets and stealing a bike and a high speed chase on a dirt road and honestly I didn’t need this kind of stress in my life haha. Also damnnn son I guess Arman is an amazing rider because do you know how hard it is to keep a bike steady at speed, on dirt, and with a passenger?? I do! It’s bloody hard! And kicking an object while riding without then causing yourself to crash is even harder lol. And don’t even get me started on that chain they broke through– like dude if that chain was attached at all to more than one side of the gate, riding into it would have clotheslined them both and sent them hurtling right onto the road in the path of that RV lol. Good thing it was apparently not attached and was just draped across the gap or something though… and like man I know it’s Vegas and all but that was a hell of a gamble lol

I am immensely satisfied that I accurately predicted exactly what Arman would do and say the moment they got off the bike haha, though lbr he IS kind of predictable when it comes to Thony and being worried for her safety. And okay I’m very glad they’re both uninjured (and look, shooting a target is hard at the best of times, so I understand them not being hit by bullets shot from a moving vehicle while they were also moving at speed), but I mean couldn’t Thony have gotten just a little bit shot? Like nothing serious, just a nasty graze across the shoulderblade or something? Just enough for Arman to freak out over and for her to have to take off her shirt for him to check it lol. But sigh, I guess I’ll just have to save that for fanfiction lol. Anyway though, you really gotta feel for Armony rn because they are really not having a good week lol

Ah, everyone’s least favourite sociopathic peacock is back. But how satisfying to see him get slapped right in the face haha (though lbr he probably likes that kind of thing?). Ngl though I almost enjoy how utterly pathetic he is when it comes to Nadia? Like with everyone else he’s self-assured, powerful, always at the advantage; but with her he’s a total simpering mess and I want her to crush him under her heel like a bug lol

Nope, not okay with hearing Thony just barely holding back tears over the phone with Dr Saroyan, and then trying so hard to keep things together as she explains the situation to Fi. She’s right about Luca never surviving the flight though ugh; I literally just did a course on the physiological stress of flight in critically ill patients and no way would he make it in his condition. Maybe on an official repatriation flight with a medical team accompanying him, but not as a deported immigrant on a commercial flight ugh. But anyway, I digress lol

And now Thony’s bad day is getting even worse as she has to go deal with RK’s shit lol. But oooh the burner phone is back! Given that later in the ep RK texts her on her other phone, I’m guessing that it’s Arman who texted her just then to let her know RK was back and that they have been summoned to see him– considering they show up to RK’s office together, it’s likely that Arman came to pick her up and take her there. And ugh that’s yet another moment between them I wish we could have seen, bc like did they talk about what they would say? Or the possibility that RK might hurt them as punishment?? I need to know lol. But ugh that moment when RK does snap and signal Joseph to kill Arman? (which tbh I don’t think he would have dared to do if Nadia hadn’t basically just told him she wanted nothing to do with him; bc previously it was only the fear of turning Nadia against him that kept him from killing Arman). Ngl I am obsessed with the way Arman clenches his jaw and stands straight, accepting his death like he has known ever since the prison that it was only a matter of time, that there would be no escaping it, not after everything that’s happened. But Thony will never accept that, will never stop fighting to protect him, and so she immediately moves closer to him, pleading on his behalf and getting herself even more deeply ensnared in RK’s web as she saves him ughhhhhhh

Ugh more DoctorMom Thony… I can’t deal with the way she looks at Luca before she walks out of the room. She knows that this may be a one way trip to the Philippines for her, but I guess she’s holding on to the thought that even if it is, she’ll be able to send the meds back and he’ll get better– and then eventually he may be well enough to fly back too and they can be reunited. (Well, if she doesn’t get murdered by RK, that is. Ugh). But at least in the meantime he will be safe with Fi– although dude “give him more morphine whenever he needs it” is an INCREDIBLY dangerous statement to say to someone who doesn’t have medical training haha. But I’m sure she wrote down some clearer instructions lol. Also aww at the fact that Fi has apparently been sending money back to her parents all this time, despite having such a challenging relationship with them and also having little money to spare?? I love her Your Honour

Seeing Arman and Thony pull up to the plane in the caddy reminded me that his motorbike is still back at Bosco’s camp ughhhhhh. Maybe he’ll be able to ride the other bike back and go get it? Though lbr the risk is probably not worth it. Ugh RIP you beautiful motorcycle I will miss you and all the Armony-embracing you created. Ngl the power couple in the caddy look is still hot though haha. As is the fact that Arman is dressed rather similarly to the last time these two took a private jet flight together, and then later slowdanced by firelight… got some subconscious hopes rising to the surface there buddy? Me too tbh lol. And then ugh RK shows up and completely ruins all our hopes, as usual. I love that both Arman and Thony tried to argue against Arman being left behind (“I need Arman to come with m–” yes you do need him ughhh). But then ugh when Arman realises that he has no way to fight this, that he has already been pushed out and deemed worthless, and as a result has no power to protect her anymore? And he just stares after her and she looks back at him for just a second and they’re both thinking, is this the last time we’ll ever see each other?

Boooo the ledger didn’t actually help?? So Arman went through that ‘reconciliation’ with Nadia for nothing? Great. Also ngl I am still stuck on my ‘Russo is indebted to Kamdar and under his influence’ theory. C’mon show, tell me what side she’s on, I need to knowwwwww

Of course RK chose the seat right across from Thony and is watching her sleep. Goddamn creep. Though tbh we all know that she is completely under his power rn and so there are far worse things he could be doing to her (things I’m sure Arman’s imagination is currently torturing him with), so I guess I should be glad that sexual violence does not seem to be one of RK’s proclivities. But ugh this flight is still so uncomfortable, especially the way she is forced to reveal her friend’s identity to him, knowing that it will put her at risk but having no choice. But holy shit the line “The chief of cardiology? That’s a lot to give up… the godlike power of saving lives, just to become a maid for criminals” is possibly one of the most powerful statements we’ve had in the show. And then her response: “My life became about saving one person’s life. My son.” Like wow, that really captures the entire essence of the show, doesn’t it? The lengths that a mother will go to for her child, the sacrifices she will make to save one person above all others. Though  tbhI would argue that the truth has shifted a little bit now– in S1, yes, her life was all about saving Luca. But since the end of S1 it has become about saving her family– Luca, Fi and the kids, and Arman. Thony says in 1x04 that she became a doctor to be like her father, who her mother always said was brave and risked his life for others. She clearly dedicated so much of her life to that goal, to being the best doctor she could be, to help all the many the people who needed her knowledge and abilities. But after Luca got sick, and after she reunited with Fi and saw the way she was struggling through life as a TNT, and after she met Arman and developed such a deep and unexpected connection with him, I think that all that determination and caring and protectiveness that had been spread across scores of cardiac patients instead focused itself intensely on just five people. Of course, she always helps whoever she can, but those five people are who her life is really about. And I think that RK actually respects that, respects that she is willing to do whatever it takes for the people she loves, even when it comes at a huge risk to herself. Tbh I think he’s found her quite intriguing for a while, ever since he’d learned that she was more than what she’d claimed at their first meeting, and since seeing the power she held (in different ways) over both Nadia and Arman. Let’s just hope that he stays intrigued enough to not have her murdered lol

Ooooh I have been hoping for AGES that Joseph is Filipino!! Honestly I always felt it was too much of a coincidence that RK’s right hand man– who we’ve seen RK abusing more than once– should just happen to be South East Asian. Like that casting has to be deliberate. And now he and Thony are kind of vibing?? Like yaaaaassss c’mon Joseph, turn on RK and take Thony’s side instead!

Aw Thony being welcomed by her friends is so sweet (and I love the very classic bilingual conversation), but oh mannnn it’s so uncomfortable to watch her trying to be normal and social all the while knowing that she’s there with a motive and that RK is outside and that so much is riding on her friends taking a huge risk for her ugh. When she escaped to the bathroom I just wanted to give her a hug ugh. Just like I wanted to give Arman a hug when he was suddenly faced with Isabel selling the club, kicking him when he’s already down, and god as much as I’m suffering rn I do love the way the show juxtaposed those two scenes, like it’s saying that even separated by thousands of miles, their pain is still shared. Ugh our babies really are going through it lol  

Nope nothing to say about this awful scene with Thony and her friends and her trying to beg for their help while suffering such a mortifying level of shame and guilt and ughhhh nope can’t deal with this at all. Although I feel like the drug he mentioned about hepatic damage might somehow become relevant later on? It seems Luca is copping every possible side effect or complication so who knows lol. But ugh when her friend gives her the name but then realises that Thony brought RK with her and basically exiles her for it ughhhh it hurts me. Especially because Thony has said before that many of hers and Marco’s friends stopped talking to them because he would borrow money and not pay it back– this woman may have been one of the only friends Thony had left from her life in Manila. And now she’s lost that too. 

Lol I like this bisexual lighting in La Habana– I’m gonna headcanon that Nadia chose that lol. It’s also really cool to hear that she was the one who made the place into a cigar lounge; between that and her influence on RK’s business, I’m definitely getting the sense that this woman should absolutely be running the show. But ugh when he says he’s not going to say goodbye to either her or the club, I honestly kind of liked it?? Because I want her and Arman to be able to stay in each other’s lives, just not in a romantic partnership, and tbh I think we are actually getting closer to achieving that with each episode? Because they’ve had their heated, angry breakup, they’ve had their unwilling (on his part at least) make-up, and then they’ve had the reveal that their marriage was never ‘real’ and all the painful emotional fallout that came as a result of that. And now they’ve made peace, have apologised to each other for the way things happened and how they hurt each other, but it’s definitely got a ‘forgive but don’t forget’ vibe to it, in that while they can absolve each other for what they’ve done, they’re not just going to pretend it never happened and go back to what they were. Bc in my mind, they’ve now reached a place where returning to the relationship they had– the marriage– is impossible, yet it is still possible for them to have a new relationship, one where they are partners of a different kind, two people who know and respect and trust each other and can work well together toward a common goal. And tbh we’ve all always noted even from early in S1 that they seemed to behave more like business partners than husband and wife, and now maybe they can have that, and can see that it fits them better than being married ever did. 

YEAAAHHHH BOOYYYYY “I’m gonna kill Kamdar. And you’re gonna help me.” Aaaaaaahhhhh you guys I have been WAITING for this and I am so excited. And you know what the absolute best part is???? The timing of this decision from Arman. He is suddenly filled with determination to kill RK, but that determination didn’t appear after RK forced him to commit murder, or after he found out RK caused his whole marriage to be a lie, or after RK literally almost had him shot dead in his office. Yes all of those things contributed to it, but it was truly cemented the moment RK flew away in the jet with Thony completely at his mercy, and Arman realised he no longer had the power to protect her.  Like yes I know that RK has made it clear that he no longer has use for him (and that therefore he may potentially have Arman killed at any moment) but honestly, I don’t think that “it’s either him or me” is Arman’s real reason. It’s an effective reason to give Nadia, because if forced to choose, she would absolutely choose Arman; but I really don’t think Arman truly cares about the possibility of his death. Like in 2x07 he literally told RK that he wasn’t going to follow his orders to kill Maya, and to just kill him instead; and it was only when Thony’s life was threatened that he gave in. Even earlier in this ep when Joseph nearly shot him, he didn’t do a thing to try to stop it happening. Honestly I think that he believes that he deserves it; I think he’s now convinced that he only brings death and destruction and pain to those around him– Matteo, Carlos, Hayak, Maya, Bosco (and that’s not even counting the people he killed for Hayak)– and that by dying he would be paying penance for them, but also protecting Thony and Nadia from suffering the same fate. And so that’s why he is suddenly so desperate to kill Kamdar: because of Thony and Nadia. Because that moment at the hangar made it clear to him that unless he takes out RK permanently, neither woman will ever be able to get free of RK’s grip, and will always be in danger from him. Which means now he knows that he needs to act fast, to kill RK before RK can kill him, because if he dies before RK then there’s no one left to protect his family– the two women he loves. 

Also, can I just say that I called it about the fact that if RK dies, Nadia– as his still-legal wife– is likely his main beneficiary, and so she would inherit his entire kingdom? Like ngl I could see some potential issues there, like the fact that if he died, the FBI would probably be pretty interested to investigate exactly what happened, and would most definitely tie up all his assets rather than releasing them to the estranged wife that had very suspiciously just made a very recent return into his life, and whose second ‘husband’ is a known enemy of RK’s lol. But who cares about logic and legalities, right? And tbh it was a very smart move of Arman to appeal to Nadia’s greed and ambition by reminding her that she could become queen of it all, and could finally have what she has worked so hard to earn. There’s a look of almost disgust on his face as he says it, which may be because he’s acknowledging that Nadia is RK’s wife, not his, but tbh I read it as also being disgust at a) manipulating her again, and b) the fact that money and status and power mean so much to her. If the situation were switched and it was Thony in her position, Thony wouldn’t care at all about what she might inherit from RK; she’d only care about keeping Arman safe. But to be clear, this is not a judgement of Nadia! Her greed and covetousness are actually really interesting character traits and they make her more nuanced and real, and tbh I can totally understand why someone who came from nothing (and who worked hard for everything she had and yet still lost it all, while watching others get richer and richer without ever working for it, purely because they were born into privilege) would be drawn to the idea of doing one ‘bad thing’ to get to have everything she feels she deserves.

Ugh at Thony keeping her promise to Fi and going to Fi’s parents’ house to leave the money she gave her. I’m glad she didn’t have to go meet with them– she could have stopped them when she saw them leaving, but she chose not to (in fact it seemed like she was waiting for them to leave), and she clearly knew where the spare key was kept (she may have had her own copy when she lived in Manila, but lbr she wouldn’t have taken her copy of the key to the US with her). Also the envelope Fi gave her was white, and she puts that on the counter first, but then she also takes out a thick, fresh stack of cash, and a yellow envelope– and tbh I think the cash and yellow envelope are from her. @enigmaticfox said, and I agree, that this moment feels very much like a goodbye; a goodbye to her former parents-in-law– the only parents she has had for years– and to her connection to the Philippines. Her work life there ended 5 years ago with Luca’s diagnosis, and her friends were lost one by one over the years due to Marco using them, with the last finally lost on this trip due to Thony using them; and then with the loss of Marco and the fallout from his death, the family ties she had to this place are gone now too. She says it herself when she gets back on the plane– “The Philippines are not my home anymore.” And it’s true. Her home, her life, everyone she loves– they’re all in Vegas. 

Oh Russo what the actual fuck were you thinking? Kissing Garrett at any time is an incredibly terrible decision for many reasons, but kissing him at work only days after he lost someone he loved?? Someone whose picture he was literally just staring mournfully at as you walked in the door?? Like woman I have so many questions about your sanity haha. (Also about your loyalties. Seriously tell me, does Kamdar have you under his thumb???)

Damn Thony’s outfits for this trip have been so good. She looks so effortlessly elegant and sophisticated, and while I love that as a character she’s clearly not at all vain and will normally just wear the same simple clothes repeatedly, it is nice to see a little variety being included– tbh I feel that her tiny wardrobe was a symbol that her time in Vegas was only temporary and that she didn’t  ‘belong’ there, so the more clothes that get added to the mix, the more it feels like she is putting down roots and really claiming Vegas as her home. Of course she doesn’t have a lot of closet space rn so she can’t go too wild with the wardrobe lol, but I hope it does get at least a little bigger by the end of the season. Anyway phew at RK basically pulling the rich-people equivalent of a jedi mind trick (aka bribery) on the customs guy lol; money really does open all doors huh

Okay so either RK is even more of a ridiculous simp for Nadia than I previously thought, and is completely fooled by her (let’s face it, rather terrible) acting lol, or he knows she’s deliberately trying to manipulate him into buying La Habana but doesn’t care and is happy to give her what she wants anyway, because it will get him what he wants– Nadia’s affection and gratitude. Tbh I hope it’s the first option because that’s just so much funnier. But either way, now that he’s the owner of La Habana, she can just “what’s yours is mine” her way into being the next owner upon his untimely demise haha. Work smarter not harder ladies!

Why do I feel a sense of foreboding hearing Luca say “mommy I don’t want you to go”? Bc like she literally just came back? Maybe he means he doesn’t want her to go away again? And ok even though I know nothing will happen to her (she’s the main character after all, and this show is no Game of Thrones lol), it makes me afraid of foreshadowing lol. But ugh when she tells Fi that the meds will fix Luca and Fi says “well, then whatever you went through over there, it was worth it”– yet another line that has really captured the heart of this show. Whatever Thony goes through, no matter how bad, it’s worth it to her as long as Luca (and her family) are okay. She will bear any pain, any burden, as long as it keeps them safe and healthy and happy. Which is why she will keep working with RK, bc even though she knows that he’s so unpredictable and mercurial that just being in his vicinity is a danger in itself; she’s willing to take that risk as long as he can supply the meds that keep Luca healthy. Which means that the situation between her and Arman is about to get a little complicated lol, because right now she needs RK, and Arman needs him gone. Bc just like her, Arman will do anything to protect the people he loves– and for him, that means protecting her from RK by eliminating him before he can hurt her. It’s the best kind of conflict imo, because it’s one person saying to the other “I love you enough to do what needs to be done to save you, even if it makes you hate me”. Of course, Arman doesn’t want to endanger Luca by taking away his access to the meds, but in his mind, RK is a far more immediate threat to Thony’s safety than the short supply of meds is to Luca’s wellbeing, and so he probably figures that once RK is eliminated he can then use RK's funds and connections (via Nadia) to get Luca all the meds he will ever need.

But the real question now is whether he will tell Thony what he’s planning to do to Kamdar??? I honestly can’t decide, because on one hand, keeping her in the dark would protect her (plausible deniability, etc etc) and that definitely seems like something he would do– plus, in terms of storytelling, it would create some delicious angst because Thony would see Arman suddenly shutting her out and instead spending most of his time with Nadia, and she would assume it means that Arman has now definitively made his choice regarding who he wants to be with, and so she would then endure their every following interaction with the quiet suffering of a secretly broken heart ugh. (God I would LOVE to see that, because the eventual reveal of the truth– that he loves her, has loved her the whole time and has only been trying to keep her safe– would be glorious). However, if on the other hand he tells her what he’s planning, and she tells him not to do it because she needs RK (also bc she doesn’t want him to get caught for RK’s murder, of course) then there’s a different kind of delicious angst where they both know how they feel about one another but they’re stuck on opposing sides regardless, due to external factors outside of their control. Which tbh would also be glorious. So basically, whatever happens next will be a freakin delight lol. And ok I know there’s a lot of fans who are unhappy about Armony being potentially pitted against each other while Arman teams up with Nadia, but I honestly cannot wait, because the truth is that any conflict between these two now will just make it all the sweeter when they eventually– and inevitably– finally give in to their feelings and accept that everything they’ve done, they’ve done for each other, and that there’s nothing they want more than to be together.

Oh no. The gun. Lbr, RK absolutely just had it planted in order to get Arman out of the way now that he thinks he’s got a chance with Nadia again– gotta remove the competition, y’know? lol. Though I definitely do take issue with the fact that he dared to plant for the FBI to find, considering that in 2x07 he himself touched it with his bare hands before Arman did, and that seems like a risk he would never take, but whatever. Plot hole maybe. But anyhow aaaaahhh now Garrett (and ofc Russo/the FBI) know about Arman, and I can’t WAIT to see what he does about it. Tbh my ideal headcanon would be that he immediately goes to arrest Arman, and Arman argues that if he’s already going to be going down for murder, why don’t they make it count– and so convinces Garrett to give him a couple of days to kill Kamdar (thus making him truly pay for what he did to Maya) before he takes him in. It would be fascinating to see Garrett agree to that, clearly venturing more into the moral grey zone, and also to see these two nemeses teaming up in that way. Especially if part of their agreement is that Thony is kept completely out of it so she won’t go down with Arman, because neither of them wants anything to happen to her. Ngl, I’ve already drafted the fic haha, and I’m sure I’ll get around to posting it one day– but in the meantime, I’m so goddamn excited to see what the show gives us over these next few episodes ugh. Honestly I am living the fangirl dream here kids and I hope you guys are too lol