#like. good closure if i had actually gotten to… you know. AND NOW HERE WE ARE AND . LOSING MY FUCKING MIN
Note
i beg you to continue with this fic of ghost, i want reader to gain some strength and make something 😭
Ghost x f!reader
Cw: I apologize in advance, emotionally (un)available Simon, age gap relationship (Simon is depicted in his late 30’s and the reader is around 21), older man!Ghost, young & naive!reader, slight spoilers for MWIII, brief mention of a developing alcohol addiction, hurt/no comfort, angst, screaming and crying, please don’t kill me for this.
Six months had passed since you last saw Simon. Truth be told, you’ve never felt better than you do right now.
You had moved out of your apartment three months ago after getting a promotion at your job, earning more money than you ever thought of having.
Life was good without him. You didn’t have to worry about getting your feelings hurt anymore.
Simon on the other hand, had been going through the worst months of his life.
He lost a good friend of his while on a mission which resulted in him frequenting the bar close to his house more than he’d like to admit.
Work was hard then and it was even harder knowing he couldn’t see you or hear your soft voice again.
He hated whatever it is he felt when he thought about you and the last time you were together. He despised himself for the way he treated you.
He missed your sweet laugh and the way your eyes lit up each time you saw him even if he proceeded to ruin you moments later.
What was it about you that made him feel weird inside whenever he thought of you? If only he felt that way when you were still with him.
Simon felt like he saw you everywhere around him, like you were with him no matter what he did. It was a strange feeling at first but he had learned to succumb to the comfort it brought him.
It didn’t help that you were the main star in his dreams more often than not. Whether it be dreams where he fought harder to have you back in his life or him fucking you in your bed, a guilty part of him enjoyed the latter.
He couldn’t take it anymore. He had to see you, had to look at your face one more time, hold you in his arms and never let you go again.
Simon stood in his apartment and contemplated if he actually wanted to do this.
What if you didn’t want to see him?
What if he was too late and you had found someone who treated you the way you deserved?
He had to try, right? Sure he would be hurt if you didn’t want him anymore but at least he would have some kind of closure.
And so, he made his way to your new place. He had gotten the address from Laswell but not before she made some snarky comment about him finally “getting laid”.
Simon knocked on your door and stood looking down at his feet.
Then you opened the door and he swore his heart could’ve popped out of him at that moment.
“Hey,” he breathed out, but you just stood there, rendered completely speechless by the fact that he was actually in front of you.
“H-how did you find me?” You said after a few moments of silence.
“I’ve got my ways.” He said plainly. You weren’t sure what you were supposed to do.
Should you let him in?
All the while, you both just stared at each other.
“Do you want to…?” What the hell do people even say in these situations?
“Only if you want me to.”
And so, you moved to let him in, closing the door behind you and leading him to sit on the couch.
It was awkward. You didn’t even look at each other, just sat there in silence.
“Why are you here, Simon?” You asked. Why the hell would he show up now?
“I’ve been…thinking a lot about where we left things off.” He looked at you and you nodded slowly at his words.
“And?”
“And I think— I know I was an asshole to you and you didn’t deserve the way I treated you.” He sighed, and you stared at him, dumbfounded.
“It took you six months to figure that out?” You didn’t know what it was exactly that made you so angry. Was it his audacity to show up after all that time and think you’d be okay with it?
Simon went quiet again.
You stood up from the couch. “Do you have any idea what it’s been like for me the entire time you were away? How long I spent crying over something that wasn’t real? We had nothing! And i still felt like you were everything to me…even when I knew you’d never feel that way about me. Did you really think that—I would…let you in again after all this time?”
You couldn’t help the sob that escaped you, covering your face with your hands to wipe away your tears so he couldn’t see them.
He got up as well, slowly approaching you and he gently pulled you into his arms. You reluctantly relaxed into him, the tears still falling from you.
“I’m sorry for making you feel like this…I wish I was better—i want to be better…” Simon cupped your face with one hand, the other still wrapped around you and placed his forehead on yours.
With your eyes still closed, you hadn’t realized he’d lifted his mask up above his mouth. Your faces were impossibly close and he leaned in to connect your lips together in a kiss.
You felt like you were being controlled by something and it made you kiss him back, even when part of you wanted to push him away.
It went on for a couple of seconds before you eventually pulled back and stared at him.
“Is this what you’re really here for?” You said, voice laced with a hint of anger.
“No! Fuck, no! I wanted to calm y’down and it just happened.”
“I wanna be better and i wanna make you happy but most of all I want you to forgive me for how things were between us.” He was almost pleading, his eyes searching yours for any emotion.
You couldn’t help but scoff.
“All these words…and you still kissed me with your mask on, what does that tell you, Simon?”
He stayed silent. “It tells you that no matter what we have, you’ll never be able to feel like you can let your guard down around me.”
“But i-“
“And if we really decide to do this, what happens when you think i’m not enough or when you feel like you don’t want me anymore? How the hell am I supposed to be okay with that?! It took me six months to start feeling better even though what we had was nothing!”
“You are enough! For fuck’s sakes, you are all I’ve ever wanted!”
“Then show me who you are! I’m never gonna be able to love you if I don’t fucking know you, Simon!”
“You know I can’t do that…”
“Well, then you have your answer…” You looked down, not wanting to see his face anymore.
But he couldn’t look away from you, part of him knowing this was the last time he’d ever see you so he wanted to memorize everything about you.
“I think you should go.” You said, breaking the silence between you. “Please don’t try to come here again.”
You looked up at him and for the first time since you’ve known him, Simon looked hurt. You couldn’t help but feel a pang in your heart at the sight of him standing there, trying to salvage whatever this was but ultimately failing.
“Right…”
“I’m sorry for everything I did to you.” Were the last words he spoke before leaving.
On his way home, he had this weird feeling in his chest that he couldn’t explain, it made him realize why he was always so closed off and why he never tried to have something with someone.
Simon has always had this unexplainable fear of being rejected and left alone, and tonight, you invoked that fear further into him.
He had two thoughts that kept circling through his head.
He was never going to love again.
And the second one that pained him every time he would think about it.
You were gone and there was nothing he could do about it.
@ghost-is-my-bbg , @evehasdied , @darlingvinny , @dragonstoneshortcake , @dest-nai , @imhereforthespice , @graciewacey , @annoyinglysweetobject , @7thsthings , @kaa212 , @rorylover71 , @deareststhings , @dxrak , @ghostslillady , @kazuhyahs , @spookyboogyuniverse , @dangelus , @kenz-ee , @goodkittyspost , @puppybittingotherpuppy , @skulfan1 , @prttylilkittn , @emmalandry , @justgivingupsblog , @simpforfic , @ciggsaftersex , @massiveduckkidcookie , @c3r3al-k1ll3r887 , @riverbutghost , @spxctorslxxt , @marriedtoeddie , @delightfulwolflawyerfreak-blog , @sixxslut , @ghostslittlegf , @tf141glory , @ghostswife141 , @prazinos , @toastedkjeks , @naio-kummer , @sunsetsimon , @livingdead-g1rl , @chimochai , @yo1mamma , @loving-azerath , @lanadelreygirly777
#ghost x reader#simon ghost x reader#simon riley smut#ghost cod#ghost smut#ghost x reader angst#ghost x reader smut#ghost x y/n#ghost x you#simon ghost riley
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A Tale of Spirits Status and Other Updates (Long Post)
I've gotten a lot of questions about A Tale of Spirits and its hiatus status over the past few days (months lol). I've been mulling over this post for a while now, avoiding it if I'm honest, but I've gotten to a point where even I can't avoid the writing on the wall.
So, let's start with what's holding me up. Over the last ten-eleven months, I've been dealing with a nerve issue in my wrists and hands (both, if you can believe it). Now it's nothing super serious (we haven't had any surgery talks, thank God), but it bothers me constantly throughout the day, and having an office job doesn't really help. It's crazy to go through some of these older Tumblr posts because my hands were bothering me even then, but I didn't want to admit it.
Long story short, I feel like I'm caught in this...loop of trying to heal. I'll have really good, consecutive days, and when I think I'm on the right track, something happens, and I'm pulled right back into it. It's frustrating, demoralizing, and terrifying all at once. I try not to spiral into worst-case scenarios with this whole thing, but my hands are numbing while I'm typing this. So....yeah, it's slowed my writing practically to a halt. I can bang out a couple hundred words here and there and focus on one-offs since they don't feel so...daunting, but chaptered anything mentally makes my hands twitch. My long sessions are gone at the moment and this leads me to that writing on the wall I mentioned earlier.
I don't know when A Tale of Spirit will return.
Man, that hurts to type. ATOS has been a part of my life for almost two years now. I've grown so much from this story, and my writing has evolved so much from this story. I have so much fun with ATOS. I mean, that's the point of fanfic, but I have fun with ATOS. I go back and reread parts, and I laminate past narrative choices as if those words are written in stone. I snicker while working out dialogue and really (and I mean really) let loose with action choices and experiment.
Hell, I have AUs of this AU on my drive lol. I owe a lot of my growth and confidence to ATOS. I mean, I read every comment and every Tumblr message (and I mean every comment). The support and love this story has received makes me believe that I'm not as terrible of a writer as I thought, that I might actually hack it in the literary world, so it's devastating that I can't put all my energy into this or my personal work.
To be honest, I'm still halfway in denial. I know I'm going to finish this story eventually. I love it too much, but I can finally admit that I'm not sure when that 'eventually' will be. Geez, I should've written this a while ago, but denial is a blinding thing.
I tackle writing when I can, but the nerve thing has thoroughly pulled me into a slump.
I'm going to update ATOS to say indefinite hiatus and put this same message on AO3.
I'm not saying goodbye to ATOS. I was deep in my unposted arcs before all of...this reached a peak even I couldn't ignore. I was really doing something with April, Zuko, and Suki (fun dynamic, by the way). Azula's been fun to play with, and angry, fed-up turtles have been a challenge in a half, so I want you guys to see that one day.
So, there it is. I know this is closure for some of you, and you all deserve to know what's going on with ATOS. I know this update will be a relief for some of you because now, there's no more guessing. The dreaded 'indefinite' has been typed and sealed in digital ink (dramatic, I know).
I'm going to leave it here because I don't know how to end this post. I'll be around, lurking in possible (short) one-shots and slowly chipping away at ATOS. So, until then, rest, rehabilitation, and copious amounts of books and music to listen to.
See you soon.
#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt#crossover#fanfiction#fanfic#atla#a tale of spirits#crossover fanfiction#atos#a tale of spirits question#a tale of spirits update#fanfiction update#health issues are the worst#this literally pains me to write#i'm not abandoning it#hiatus announcement#avatar the last airbender drill
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Mise en Place, Chapter 3
Pairing: Chef!Matt Murdock x F!Journalist!Reader
Rating: M
Story Summary: Things are looking up for Chef Matthew Murdock -- Not only was he the subject of a front-page article in the New York Bulletin, but (after a few misunderstandings) he managed to get a date with you, the beautiful journalist who wrote the feature.
Now that Matt is no longer the subject of one of your features, your budding relationship with him is starting to simmer -- until someone from Matt's past threatens to turn off the heat.
With another obstacle in your way will your and Matt's relationship cool, or can the two of you work together to put "everything in it's place"?
Warnings/Tags: Hallmark levels of fluffy, cheesy goodness, no use of Y/N, Matt is not a vigilante, developing relationship, things gone get SPICY later 🔥 (aka smut in future chapters), things gone get angsty for a minute first though 😈
Word Count: ~1850
A/N: I finally figured out how I want the story to flow, so please note the change in summary!
Divider by @theradioactivespidergwen
Tag List: @danzer8705 @shouldbestudying41 @capylore @mattmurdockstateofmind @yarrystyleeza
“Hey, sorry I'm late,” Matt said as he entered his and Foggy's office the next morning. “I stopped by the florist on my way here and it took a bit longer than I expected. Who knew flowers all had different meanings?”
“It’s fine,” Foggy replied. “So…you look happy. I take it your date was a success?”
Matt huffed out a laugh. “It was. Thanks again for your help.”
“No problem, dude. Anytime. I mean it.”
Matt took his coat off and hung it on the coat rack. “So how's this week's order looking?”
“Well in both good and bad news, we have lots of stuff left over from last week's order, so all we really need to order is our usual perishables and the stuff for the new menu items that we don't already have on hand.” Foggy paused. “...Or at least we would've if we hadn't gotten a bunch of new reservations, including 12 just for tonight.”
Matt grinned. “Really? That's great!”
“Yeah, and almost all of them said that they had heard of us through the Bulletin article.”
Matt sighed. “I know I was an asshole about that at first, but seriously, thank you for setting that interview up.”
Foggy chuckled. “Honestly I'm just glad it all worked out in the end -- both professionally and personally. Oh, and by the way, Skyler told me this morning that the Bulletin would be covering Kingpin's closure but she wasn't sure yet who would be writing the article or when exactly it would be out.”
Matt wondered if you would get the assignment – after all, you did write a lot of other stories in addition to your weekly features. “I still can't believe Kingpin actually got shut down. I mean I can believe it, but we always suspected that Fisk had most of the Health Department on his payroll and that it would never actually happen.”
Foggy huffed out a laugh. “Too bad for him that one of the few health inspectors not on the take did the inspection this time.”
Matt nodded. Mahoney was one of the honest ones. “Did Brett say anything else?”
“Just that he was sure that Fisk was going to try to appeal the shutdown but that with the number and severity of violations there was no way he was going to win it.” Foggy paused. “You know, that makes me wonder if there's going to be an internal investigation into the health department.”
Matt hummed. “It’s more than likely. Because of the shutdown they'll probably pull the records for Kingpin's previous inspections, and if they do I really wouldn't be surprised if they found discrepancies in the reports.”
He shook his head. “Alright, let’s get to work on prep. I have a feeling we're going to be a lot busier than usual tonight.”
“Hey, Ellison wants to see you right away,” Skyler said as soon as you walked into the Bulletin.
You nodded as you walked over to your desk and locked your purse in your drawer. “Okay. Coffee afterwards?”
“Of course.”
You smoothed out your blouse and walked to Ellison's office, then knocked on the open door. “Hey, Skyler said you wanted to see me?”
Ellison nodded. “Hey, yeah, come on in.”
You walked in and closed the door, then took a seat. “What's up?”
“I wanted to fill you in on yesterday,” Ellison replied. “Although I'm sure you've probably already heard at least most of what happened.”
You nodded with a wince. “Yeah, I heard that Kelsie didn't exactly go quietly.”
Ellison huffed out a laugh. “Yeah, ‘quiet’ is definitely not a word I would've used to describe her departure. I tried to handle things peacefully without having to get security involved and without the rest of the staff knowing exactly what was going on, but she insisted on causing a scene on her way out the door.”
You shook your head as you imagined Kelsie being dragged out of the Bulletin kicking and screaming. “I bet that made for an interesting staff meeting.”
Ellison sighed. “Actually, because of her antics I spent most of the day filling out extra paperwork and had to postpone this week’s meeting to today.”
“Oh, okay.”
Ellison studied you for a moment. “So how are you doing?”
You shrugged. “All things considered, I'm actually doing okay. Chef Murdock stopped by my apartment yesterday morning to apologize for getting so upset with me over Kelsie's article, then he…” A soft smile spread across your face at the memory of your evening with Matt. “He asked me to have dinner with him.”
Ellison raised an eyebrow. “I take it from the look on your face that dinner was off the record, so to speak?”
You huffed out a laugh. “Yeah, it was.”
“Then that's all I need to know.” Ellison turned back towards his computer. “Staff meeting in 10. Tell the others for me, would you please?”
“Sure thing.” You stood and turned to leave.
“Oh.” Ellison said your name. “One other thing.”
You turned back towards him. “Sir?”
“Just so you know…” Ellison shot you a small smile. “I’m happy for you.”
You nodded with a smile of your own. “Thank you, Mitch. I really appreciate it.”
“Alright, get out of here.”
You walked out of Ellison's office. “Boss said staff meeting in 10 minutes, everyone,” you announced as you exited Ellison's office.
“And don't be late!” Ellison chimed in from his office.
Skyler followed you to the break room. “So, how'd it go last night? I've been dying to know.”
You got your coffee cup from the cabinet and filled it with water. “Honestly, it was amazing. Matt served dinner up on his rooftop, where we ate and talked for hours before going back down to his apartment for dessert.”
A sly grin spread across Skyler's face. “Was it cake?”
You shook your head with a laugh as you poured your water into the office Keurig and put a pod in. “No, it was not cake, actually, it was chocolate mousse, which was so good.”
You closed the Keurig and pressed the start button. “Oh my gosh, that reminds me… while we were eating dessert Matt told me I had some on the corner of my mouth so I wiped at it and asked if I got it, but then he shook his head, wiped at the corner of my mouth with his thumb, then kissed me.”
Skyler huffed out a laugh. “Way to make a move.”
“I know, right?” You grinned. “Afterwards I asked him how he even knew I had chocolate mousse on my face and he suddenly got all shy and said that he didn't know, he just wanted to have an excuse to kiss me.”
Skyler shook her head. “Oh my God, that's so damn cute.”
You nodded. “I told him he didn't need an excuse to kiss me, so he kissed me again and we wound up making out in his kitchen.”
Skyler chuckled. “Get it, girl.”
You waited as your coffee finished brewing then moved your cup over to where the sugar and creamer were kept to fix your coffee to your liking while Skyler brewed hers. “Anyway, Matt said that he had been imagining all week what it would've been like to kiss me and that he definitely wants to keep seeing me, then since by that point it was getting late he walked me home before kissing me good night.”
“Aww. So when's your next date?”
You shrugged. “I’m not sure, but he said he was going to call me at some point today.”
You took a sip of your coffee before nodding in satisfaction. “So finish telling me about your date with Foggy. Did you two kiss?”
Skyler shook her head. “No, we just hugged, but he gave me a kiss on the cheek yesterday when he brought me lunch and we're getting together Sunday afternoon, so who knows what might happen?”
You grinned. “You might be getting some cake of your own soon.”
Skyler laughed. “Fingers crossed.”
She added a bit of sugar and creamer to her coffee before stirring it in. “Come on, let's get to the conference room.”
The two of you headed back down the hallway to the conference room and took your usual seats along with the rest of the staff.
A few minutes later, Ellison walked in. “Okay, let's get this over with. As most of you already know, Kelsie is no longer employed by the New York Bulletin. Before you ask, no, I'm not revealing exactly why. Just know that any sort of unethical journalistic behavior will not be tolerated and are grounds for immediate dismissal.”
Robert, who handled the local crime beat, raised his hand. “So who's taking over the food and restaurant circuit?”
“Luckily with this being Restaurant Week everything is already covered for now,” Ellison replied. “We'll be advertising the position starting next week however, so if anyone is interested, let me know.”
“Think you want to apply?” you whispered to Skyler.
“No way,” she whispered back. “Kelsie probably put a curse on the position before she left.”
Ellison cleared his throat. “Now on to important business -- this week's new assignments. Skyler, you're covering the Fall Food Festival at the community center on Thursday night.”
Skyler nodded. “No problem.“
He said your name.
You nodded. “Yes, sir?”
“It's too late to get anything about Kingpin’s shutdown to print, but do you think you can at least get me five hundred words by noon for the online edition?”
“Absolutely, sir.”
“Great. In addition, I'm approving your next three weekly features since I know you'll be busy with the food drive for the next couple of weeks and will need to fit the interviews in when you can. And speaking of the food drive, I'm issuing a personal challenge to all of you -- let's fill up those boxes and make this the best food drive possible!”
Ellison finished giving everyone their assignments. “Alright, let's move, people. The news waits for no one and we're already behind.”
You stood and headed back to the bullpen.
To your surprise, a beautiful bouquet of pink and white roses sat on your desk, your name on the small attached envelope. A note in the security guard’s handwriting accompanied it.
These arrived for you while you were away from your desk, so I took the liberty of bringing them up to you.
--Phil
Skyler gasped. “Are those from who I think they're from?”
A broad smile spread across your face. “I certainly hope so.”
You took the card out of the envelope, your heart fluttering when you saw the message printed on it.
Thinking of you and our dinner together last night. Can't wait to see you again.
--Matt
You pulled your phone out of your pocket and sent Matt a quick text. Thank you so much for the flowers. They're beautiful!
(By the way, I'm thinking of you too and also can't wait to see you again. ❤️)
You put your phone away, hoping that you'd get to thank Matt in person soon.
#lotmf writes#Mise en Place Masterlist#Chef!Matt Murdock x Reader#matt murdock x you#matt murdock x reader#matt murdock x f!reader#matt murdock x fem!reader
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i feel that online neurodivergent circles dont talk nearly enough about the experience of being people's charity project. i call it that for lack of a better term - it happens a lot including with other disabled people, and it's that thing where NT/able-bodied people around you hang out with you out of pity, or a sense of self-importance ("look how kind-hearted i am, hanging out with someone who has a disability/is seen as a weirdo by most people!")
as an autistic person who wasn't even *called* autistic for a good few years (my parents insisted on the term aspie and not autistic, and i had a bit of a late diagnosis), i had this happen to me all the time in middle school. and these pity-fueled relationships never lasted. they're not born from friendship, they're born from a need to be charitable. "that weird kid will be happy and i'll be looked favourably at for being so brave to hang out with them! win-win!"
since nothing ever lasted for me i started, naturally, to think i was the problem. i was 12, people told me i was weird and annoying before walking out on me, i thought i was fated to be alone. (for an example, once i missed a social cue pretty badly, and it weirded one of those charitable NT girls out so much she sent me a twitter message telling me to stop hanging out, apologised, and blocked me, planning to give me no closure before i went and asked what the hell happened)
it brought me a great deal of other problems but i'm already being too oversharey. the point is: because i was stuck in this cycle of NT kid pities me cuz i'm alone -> starts to hang out with me -> realises i'm a handful -> leaves, i was thinking woah. i kinda suck, right?
but of course i didn't suck! i found that out in high school - i found an actual friend group that took me in and invited me to parties. i remember once in 11th grade, at one of these parties, i asked the "leader" of that group, of sorts, why the hell i was still kept around. like, everyone had walked out on me before, what's the deal? haven't you gotten all your brownie points from hanging out with the autist? ain't you tired of how weird i am yet?
i got a simple answer.
"i keep you around because i like you, that's it."
that was a first for me!
looking back i realise i never was invited to any parties by the people who pitied me. i wasn't *that* kind of friend. maybe i wasn't even a friend. but these guys that took me in, they actually hung out with me! we went to parties, we bought trinkets at the mall, they sent me best wishes in my graduation, the mom of one of them gave me a recipe for her gingerbread cake because i'd loved it so much! i still talk to a good amount of them even though most of us are in college now, and the closest two attended my 20th birthday party :-)
i dunno what the bottom line is here, honestly, and this whole thing has been sitting in my drafts for a while. maybe i thought it was too personal. it is, but maybe i thought i'd give some insight to whatever NT people that access this blog (i do not expect there to be many, but hi) into what building a strong relationship with ND or otherwise disabled people entails. we don't want your pity. we've gotten enough of that for a lifetime, and it's dehumanising to a point we become little toys for people who know they can just stop hanging out if we're too off-putting.
when you treat someone like a person, they're happy... who knew?
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Pairing: Tegan Nox x Reader
WC: 707
Your sudden move from the main roster to NXT had rubbed quite a few people the wrong way. In some ways, you had been one of the people upset by the decision. However, you knew that with Tegan coming back to be on Smackdown, you couldn't risk staying. The breakup had been difficult, and unlike every other one you had ever been through, this one wasn't getting any easier. You had gone to a very dark place immediately after being broken up with and never gotten out of it. Many of your friends had stopped hanging around you because they didn't know how to help you. You couldn't blame anyone except for yourself. Tegan had just wanted to know what you wanted, but you couldn't do that. She had always been very open with you and just wanted you to be open with her.
"We did it!" Liv shouted in celebration as she wrapped her arms around Tegan. You forced yourself to look away from them. Everybody was coming up to the new tag team champions and congratulating them. You wished that your night had been as great as theirs, but you had entered the Royal Rumble thinking that you'd win it, and been eliminated whenever number 30 came out. Honestly, you had been happy to see Bayley win because she had been a good friend to you, but it still stung to be staring up at her pointing at the WrestleMania sign from the floor.
"She wanted to see you when she came to Raw last week," Candace said as she sat down next to you. Candace had always been one of Tegan's friends, so you hadn't really tried keeping up with her after the breakup. You felt bad about that, but you had been terrified that she'd report back to Tegan how poorly you were doing. "Everybody backstage already misses you."
"It's not like I was any fun these past few months," you said. Candace brushed off that comment and placed her hand on your shoulder. "I'm gonna have to talk to her one day, won't I?"
"Seeing as how she's been looking over here every fifteen seconds, yeah, you will." Candace laughed a little. You looked over towards Tegan and just barely managed to catch her eye. Candace gave Tegan a little nod and left so that the two of you could talk to each other. There were a few other superstars looking over at the two of you, but nobody was going to get in the way of this talk. They had either been around you or Tegan enough to know that this absolutely had to happen. Both of you needed a little bit of closure.
"Hey, Y/n, you were great in the Rumble," Tegan complimented. It was a pretty good start for the two of you.
"Thanks, congratulations on winning the tag titles," you told her. The two of you fell into a sort of awkward stretch of silence before Tegan finally worked up the courage to talk to you again.
"How have you been?" Tegan asked. She knew that a lot of people would have been upset about being moved down to NXT, but you were happy there. You hadn't gotten to spend much time there before, but now you got to really sink your teeth in and even mentor a few of the girls there. "Do you like NXT?"
"I've been good," you lied. Tegan could see right through you, but she didn't call you out for it. Maybe that had been part of your problem, never searching for people who would keep you honest even when it wasn't pretty. You had a lot more to work on than just that, but it would have been a good place to start. "I think I fit in pretty well down there actually. It's kind of cool being seen as a bit of a vet."
"I'm glad that you like it, I really am," Tegan said. You could tell that she was being honest with you. She had always been so honest whenever it came to her feelings, you had envied her a little. "Well, I should get back to Liv. She's probably worried about me."
"Yeah, you should probably go."
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okay, serious post time.
i'm 22, and started playing toontown in 2006. that's 17 years toontown has been in my life so far. toontown has been fundamental to who i am, and my life experiences- i would be an extremely different person if toontown was not part of my life.
toontown is something i can thank for my enjoyment of writing. in 4th grade, one of my first school papers was about how much i loved the game. a little later, i discovered toontown fanfiction. specifically, i discovered "GEARS," by TheEvina. i was enamored by the story, and wanted to write my own.
of course i wasn't actually that great of a writer starting out, but who really is? i just kept at it, and here i am today! i'd like to think i'm at least a half decent writer now :)
toontown youtube was another great discovery i had made when i was young. the random toon show was my absolute favorite youtuber, and i dearly miss him. the "heriotza" movies, inspired by madtoontownreturns's movies, also have a fond place in my heart despite no longer being on youtube, along with several of his oldest songs.
much like with the fanfictions, seeing the cool toontown videos inspired me to make my own. my favorite is probably this one:
again, my videos weren't very good at all! this one was made in windows movie maker, the peak of editing software at the time. but like with everything else, i continued to pursue getting better at videos. in high school we had to choose a track of classes to "prepare us for the real word" and i chose audio/video. even went to college for a/v before they kicked me out bc i couldn't afford it.
i don't think i can really move on from toontown youtube without mentioning joey's old ttmvs. fixing the silly meter is of course the one everyone knows, but he did have a couple others! some of them seem to not be on youtube anymore which makes me kind of sad, but i understand- i did the same with my toontown fanfictions!
to tell you the truth, i can't remember toontown's closure very well. that period of time in general for me is kind of blocked out. don't know why. what i do remember is when toontown rewritten entered semi-open beta and i played the game for the first time again through the playline on june 18th, 2014!
you "beta" believe i was excited- i stayed up until 3am for this! the experience was laggy as hell, and i think at one point loopy lane didn't even have cogs on it. but i was so excited to play toontown again, i didn't even care!
after playing toontown rewritten, i signed up for toonbook. i had been part of the original 2011 toonbook, but i wouldn't be able to say anything about that, as i do not remember it. toonbook was an experience. i met some of my greatest friends on toonbook, and it helped me learn a lot about myself. at the same time, it is a place i do not look back on fondly. i have very complicated feeling about the site.
on october 9 2015, i made Silent, my now main toon. she was royal blue at the time, and became a black cat later that year.
in toontown online, my first toon (skooby) was soundless before i had gotten terminated for hacking. (i was dumb and curious) silent would be the toon to carry on this tradition in toontown rewritten.
as the years continued, i continued to play toontown. even if i took long breaks, i always came back to it, and my friends were there to do activities with me. even if there was nothing big happening, sometimes it was nice to just sit at my estate and play with my doodles.
the night field offices released will live on in my memory as one of the best nights in my entire life. nothing will ever compare to being in a voice chat with my friends the first time we encountered the boiler. i don't really know how else to describe it besides magical. sure we crashed after one round, but another could be tried later!
that night, i completed my first ever field office on toontown rewritten, and it will still live on as one of my favorite experiences in the game ever. i of course continued doing field offices, and still enjoy them immensely. i haven't done a 4 star yet (need to fight 6 18+ cogs 😔) but i hope to some day!
with the most recent toonfest, i am so happy to be a toontown player. everything announced has me extremely excited, and i loved hearing all the backstory on the creation of toontown. this game has been a part of my life for 17 years, and i hope it continues to be part of my life for years to come.
happy 20th birthday, toontown.
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hi again!! i realized i never updated you with my thoughts on s6, so here they are, rapid-fire style:
overall i think episodes one and two were very weak, but the rest of the season has been pretty decent. 6A was definitely my least favorite batch of episodes if i had to pick, but watching it all at once wasn't that bad and 6B has been very promising so far.
athena's cold case episode was really sad and unsettling, but i'm glad they did it and i'm very happy that she got to have that closure and revisit the case that made her want to be a cop. that's actually one thing i've been really liking about s6, that we've gotten to go back and tie up a lot of old threads from previous seasons.
the noah storyline was really weird and imo it should have been a longer arc with a better payoff for him. he wasn't a bad guy and i'm a little sad about the way they treated him.
idk what it is about maddie and chimney but i feel like their relationship has been a little off in 6A. i liked all of their domestic scenes with jee-yun, but i also think some things were very rushed (like the scene where they got back together). maybe it's just that they didn't get a lot of screentime? 6B has been better though and i'm glad the writers are finding their groove with them again.
on a brighter note, season six eddie is making me very happy. after his breakdown in 5B, he seems so much more at ease and more comfortable in his skin now and i'm so proud of him :)
hen might be my favorite character this season. her trying to do so much in episodes one and two, failing and having a breakdown but then convincing the prof to give her another chance and nailing it, and then eventually deciding that being a doctor wasn't what her real dream was and that her family was more important? i loved every second of it, and i think that aisha hinds's performance was nothing short of magnificent. i also loved the henren flashbacks!!
i kind of wish that they'd brought in the priest from s1 or another old character instead of wendall for that storyline. i enjoyed it regardless and i really loved all of the grant-nash family scheming, but i think it wouldve been more impactful if we had actually already known this character instead of just pretending like he'd been here the whole time. it's not a huge complaint though bc i do think bobby saving tamara and shutting down that fake rehab center was very healing for him....and did i mention how much i loved the grant-nash stuff? if there's one thing season 6 is doing right, it's the grant-nash dynamic. i miss michael and harry, but everything with bobby, may, and athena has been amazing.
sorry for the long ask, i just have so many things to say 😭 and i have even more to say about 6B + the buddie of it all, including the sperm donor plot, so that's gonna be a separate ask!!
-NewTo911Anon
hi again! i mostly agree with all of this! i actually thought 6x01 and 6x02 were two of the better episodes of the season, so i'm surprised you didn't like them (though i do understand that the blimp call was disappointing). the devil you know was SUCH a good episode, same as tommorow, and you're absolutely right that hen's arc has been the best one this season!
i agree with you about maddie and chimney: the premier was promising for them, but they just kind of...settled back into their relationship with each other with no bigger hurdles? i was hoping for there to be a little more of them having to work things out; i appreciated that 6x01 showed their lingering insecurities, but...idk. unlike the other seasons, they really haven't had a proper arc this season (as of yet). even maddie has just kinda been drifting from episode to episode, and hasn't really had a proper storyline, which is very uncharacteristic of the show.
home invasion and what's your fantasy have been the weakest episodes imo, and i completely agree with you about the noah arc; it could have been a really good storyline for maddie to mentor another dispatcher while trying to adjust to being back at work after her extended absence, but they had to go with this extremely out of touch plot that was in very bad taste. i'm pretty sure the noah thing is one of the aspects of the season that i will not change my mind about, even after a full rewatch.
it was nice to hear from you again!
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for your wip ask game, ink sunset made me weep, and as much as i would love to see what could happen next i think i would just keep crying aha ha :-))) (but would totally be interested in a sequel)
hmmm here's a pre-written bit (of the non epistolary kind):
He felt like he was in a fever dream. Ted, here. Ted.
It had been literal years. And Trent felt like a schoolgirl with a crush, about to see him again.
But Ted—wasn’t there. He—
The door to Trent’s bedroom was open.
Trent had left out the goddamn box.
Trent’s heart dropped from his throat to his feet with the force of a brick dropped on an egg.
He hurried forward and pushed the door open, and—
There was Ted. Ted Lasso, in person, for the first time in years. He looked older, and somehow both lighter and sadder.
And he was sitting on the edge of Trent’s bed, shoulders hunched, an old box in his lap, and a letter in his hands.
He looked up at Trent, and his eyes were red-rimmed.
“Oh,” said Trent, feeling small and stupid. He was frozen in the doorway.
“Hope you don’t mind,” said Ted, voice brittle under the faux-casual tone—the first words he’s said to Trent since he left. “They were addressed to me.”
Trent finds he isn’t angry. Just deflated. He slowly, almost robotically, makes his way to the other side of the bed, and sits down, stiff and avoiding Ted’s eyes.
and here's some continuation from the epistolary section. i actually wrote like over 1800 more words because of this ask so good job! here's some of them:
I do. I do owe you something. I should have written, at least. I was afraid of the long, slow death between us. I’ve lived through that before, clinging to something that was withering away, watching someone who loved me once begin to resent me more and more, begin to forget the reasons they liked me at all.
That kind of feeling, like rot on a porch, was one of the most painful experiences in the world. The truth is, I was protecting myself from that. I was scared of losing someone like that again, especially someone I loved so much you.
I guess I thought a clean break would be better. That we’d both get over it sooner. But here we are, years later, and I still think about it. I still regret it. And I hurt you in the process. I’m sorry.
I hoped you’d gotten over it. I told myself you must have. I’m nothing special. I’m not stars or a mountain or a sunset. But here you are, still writing. I’m sorry.
Of course we were friends. Are friends. I’m sorry I made you doubt that. I’m sorry for a lot of things.
Maybe that would have happened. Maybe we would have drifted apart, and my mistake was not giving you closure. But now I’ll never know, will I? I can’t say sorry enough. I can n
I’m just always breakin things, huh?
It ended up being slow and painful anyway.
as of right now the plan is 1. original epistolary chapter, 2. interlude(?), 3. ted's epistolary chapter, 4. conclusion(???) but i'm still having trouble wrapping things up. i might even make it a separate work as a series, not sure yet.
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@wind-becomes-lightning TUMBLR ATE UR ASK SOMEWHERE BETWEEN INBOX AND DRAFT 😢😢😢😢 anywayyyyy here r the kids!!!!!!!! they are comparing parent histories via history books and shitty drawings AKSNJSJA i had so much fun drawing them!!!!!!!! genuinely. babies. so true <3
also i had a LOT of ideas and the only one i didn’t write was sayuri and obito meetup bc idk enough ab their relationship and that’s more your territory ajsjdbjshdjd <3333
this is just the most brain vomit thing ever, and it’s also from the pov of nsmap obkkrin :3 mostly lol
obito appears alone first, in the middle of kkyuri + kids Normal Family Walk Time. this immediately sends kks and sayuri freaking The Fuck out bc sayuri can’t see a genjutsu and kakashi doesn’t sense one, so what kind of sick joke is somebody playing on them?
obito, who’s just gotten back from saving his kids from their own dimensional fuckery w his partners, is also Freaking The Fuck Out because WHERE ARE THEY???? he sees kakashi, takes half a step towards him in relief before he pauses because hey, that’s not his kakashi, that’s not rin, and they definitely only have two kids and none of those are them.
few tense moments pass before kkrin+twins+minato blip into existence, minato’s seal flaming at their feet. “shit,” kakashi mutters, then is immediately tackled by obito who takes the whole family down with him. “holy shit i thought i lost you guys,” etc etc. they stand back up and. oh yeah. the other dimension kakashi who looks like he’s going to pass out, held up by who they can only assume is his wife who also looks like she’s going to die.
“uh. hi.” obito says, something something introductions, yes we’re real we’re from a different dimension and trying to get home. yeah but we need a new seal because some idiot burnt it up in transit (“i memorized it, dumbass,” kakashi says, tapping his head in clear irritation, like they’ve had this argument before). oh you have some on you? sweet!
—
nisi!kakashi and kakashi
kakashi takes the paper and ink from New Dimension kakashi, who now looks considerably calmer and now just.. confused. kakashi can help with that. “the kids got ahold of a scrapped seal of minato’s,” he explains, taking a few steps away to lead nisi!kakashi somewhere quieter. “sent them back in time, and we went to save them. but the seal was still faulty, it’s a miracle they made it in one piece. so we fixed it, but apparently accidentally figured out how to cross dimensions instead of travel. so, we landed here and now we just really want to get back home.”
nisi!kakashi and kakashi get to some talking, though neither are very talkative and prefer observing. but as they hear everyone else getting to talking, comparing dimensions, well.
kakashi: is dad alive here?
nisi!kakashi: …no. he died when i was six. [silence] but. i got to see him in the afterlife, get my closure and all that. (does this kakashi experience the same? have they had a war yet? looking at obito, alive and well, perhaps not. did he get that closure?)
kakashi, looking at nisi!kakashi with slight concern: ,.right. the afterlife. :/ uh well dad’s actually alive where i am. came back about a year ago from captivity. (so there’s no need to help a different kakashi search for his lost father here, then, if he really did die. that’s…something).
—
nisi kid ocs and the twins+minato
the kids are already comparing parents. in this universe, obito seems to have gone down a bad path and started a war. but he ended up good, tsuki and obito and miu say, because that’s what their dad always tells them. he was good in the end.
minato, keeping an eye on the kids and observing from behind, looks sick.
the twins think the drawn version of juubito looks cool as hell. they go and recreate their own iteration of their obito but with mokuton, because he doesn’t have a ten-tails. oh, but you know who has a three tails? mama! it’s name is isobu and he’s super cool. he makes swimming super/ fun.
obito’s next in line for the hat in the nsmap universe. but in this one, kakashi got to be hokage? that’s super cool! the twins get to see all the technological advances he brought to konoha, as well as how he settled treaties with other nations. he did a lot here! that’s what grandpa’s doing in our universe.
—
nisi!kakashi and rin
nisi!kakashi and rin visit for a bit. it’s not as awkward as kakashi expected it to be, but he supposes that’s because they’ve had time to. recover. he did still chidori rin in nsmap universe, rin still chose that path. but this time isobu saved her because there was no obito around to save their bodies from the kiri nin, because he was at home doing physical therapy.
rin and isobu have made peace with each other. she hopes that this universe’s kakashi’s made peace with his rin, even if she is dead.
—
nisi!kakashi and kakashi
kakashi: so, do you have. hound?
nisi!kakashi: the…anbu? i did anbu for a good portion of my life, and i was hound, yes.
kakashi, hurriedly: nvm. forget i said that love and light. <3
—
nisi!kakashi and obito
kakashi’s already made peace with obito. but he’s curious about what would’ve happened if things had gone differently.
kannabi still happened, but his struggle in nisi!kakashi’s universe is replaced by a mental, physical, and emotional struggle in the form of healing from kannabi. which sure, happened in this universe too, but he wasn’t around people to hurt. in nsmap universe, he hurt the people closest to him frequently in fits of anger. but he healed eventually, moved in with and got married to kkrin. they had momo and mosu (unplanned smh), and here they are now.
so there never was a war. at the very least, “did you ever meet zetsu?”
“hm?”
“plant guy made out of the same stuff as hashirama cells. orchestrated the whole war, manipulated. you.”
and obito looks pale, because yes. he does know zetsu. he just also wasn’t entirely aware zetsu wasn’t just a figment of his imagination.
this changes things.
—
so this is who obito is named after.
he seems nice, at least. he’s funny, and everyone else enjoys him. he’s grown flowers for everyone and is currently throwing a hollow wooden ball that he made himself for his own kids to run and catch.
.
mosu’s the one that’s proudly introducing everyone, and obito has to smile when obito’s introduced.
he looks timid. he’s wearing kakashi’s old clothes, or a copy of them. they’re far less bossy on obito’s wary look than kakashi’s demanding stance.
—
momo and mosu using anbu sign (learned from hound) to communicate with each other (planning on attacking minato in secret), tsuki trained to respond on instinct having the WORST and most confused time ever trying not to slap their hands out of the air to get them to stop.
nisi!kakashi a bit confused because hey. aren’t those supposed to be super-fucking-secret? he looks at kakashi like 🤨🤨 and kakashi just blinks and looks away (<- so not ready to talk ab hound with other people, even himself from another universe).
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Smol, Ask Game - Yakuza
I'm curious
So. Full disclosure. I've only played Kiwami and 0, and am like...most of the way through Kiwami 2? So any knowledge I have of the rest of the franchise is via Tumblr and reading Majima's Wiki page (that's how I got here) So do bear with me lol.
3 male characters I love: To the shock of no one, Goro Majima. RGG really just made The Best Fictional Character Ever and just use him less and less huh I KNOW a lot of the characterisation came LONG after the first 6 games but IT STILL STANDS. Also also, Akira Nishikiyama. I know I've been more stuck on him recently but he's shoved his way to the front of my brain, but I still love Majima. They are both my boyfriends <3. Now hmmm, who gets the third spot....I know he was around for MUCH less time than I thought he would be, but I'm gonna say Homare Nishitani. He's a fucked up horny freak, he's just ACTUALLY a mad bastard and he loves it and I love him for it. I genuinely wish we got to fight him more it also makes fic more difficult cause I'm like 'wait when can he show up how does Sunshine fit in WHAT IS THE TIMELI-'. He's great, even though that first fight was very fucking bitchy.
3 female characters I love: Bold of you to assume there's more than 3 characters for me to pick from. Nah but uhhhh, can we count Yuko Nishikiyama when all my love for her is basically based on my own personal headcanons and interpretations? Let's call her a bonus option. Obviously Makoto Makimura, like I don't think I need to explain that do I? I think I also have to go withhhh.... Hibiki-chan and Yuki-chan. The fucking LORE IMPLICATIONS of Goromi's dress being a custom-made pink-snakeskin version of Hibiki's outfit?? And she was probably one of the most in love with him, idk she's just very sweet I love her. And Yuki is so cringefail but she thinks she's girlboss, I love that. Honestly I love all the Sunshine girls, more importantly I love the 'spares', yknow, the Golds and Silvers and Bronzes but I've mentioned that before, I should give them their own post.
3 romantic ships I love: Good morning Majimako nation :) It's a ship that brings me nothing but pain in canon and I love them so much, so thank God for fic writers vbhjnbhjn. I say canon brings me pain but they're just so cute and they understand each other's pain in a way others can't and it's like...all Majima had to do was give her closure, yknow? There's such a tragedy to it but I love them all the same. Also shoutout to the 7 other Majinishiki shippers out there. Yes I just put my two favourite beautiful men together. But the more I think about it the more I'm like "oh but this could be SO GOOD" cause they're both assholes and would both dislike each other and reckon they're polar opposites, which they appear to be on the surface, but they're more similar than they think and the idea of them learning that and being like "oh wait a minute....oh hang on...". They could be fun and funny and beautiful and hot so yeah, I've gotten real into it lol. Now....you know, I could pick the obvious, but it's time to push another agenda: Majima x Dolly. Yep. As in Doll Girl's mum. Look her kid has already decided he's her new dad, why not make it official? I just think Dolly is super cute, she's one of my favourite girls, and idk man it's really cute even though 0 content exists gvbhnjbhjn
3 platonic dynamics I love: Yuki and Majima's sibling bond means the world to me. Two cringefail weirdgirls who take turns being weird. Like one does something weird/stupid and the other is like "bro what the fuck is wrong with you" but then they switch and it's a constant bickering back and forth but you can tell it comes from a place of affection, and at the end of the day they do have each other's backs. Speaking of siblings, Nishiki and Kiryu. Yeah took my time bringing up the fuckin' protagonist didn't I? For all my Complicated Feelings towards Kiryu, his brotherly connection to Nishiki is clearer in 0 than it is in Kiwami, but when it's there it's there, man. These boys have each other's backs, they're the closest family they have, and seeing it fractured so tragically is heartbreaking. I wish they had more Heat Actions but the one they do have is delightful. OH, sorry, I had to take a minute irl to think of another platonic dynamic and I remembered: Kiryu and Rina. Yeah, the lesbian hostess from Kiwami who got the job to look at cute girls! The one who told Kiryu he can be wooed by men if he wants and he told her to not judge girls on such a binary femme/butch scale (well, 'cute/not cute'). I loved going to chat with her, they're really sweet and fun. Genuinely quite heartfelt conversations and I'm surprised how like...idk, progressive their chats are? It's sweet.
3 favorite moments in canon: This is actually very tricky to me, I've never really thought about ranking moments. Like, the games are a matter of 'vibing vibing vibing do some substories that give us some fun Kiryu characterisation do some plot I don't understand or particularly care for HOLY SHIT SUDDENLY IT'S REALLY GOOD AND THERE'S SOME GOOD CHARACTER/REALLY FUCKING COOL ACTION SCENES vibing vibing vibing' In no particular order:
The bit where Nishiki fuckin shanks Matsushige. I KNOW his psyche is shattering before our very eyes, I KNOW it's him well and truly crossing the line but like....Goddamn. I cannot have stated multiple times I find it to be his pinnacle of beauty and NOT include it, surely.
The entire Goromi interaction. What starts as a joke quickly just becomes a very heartfelt, honest chat between the two characters, and gives us a very welcome insight into Majima and what she's like when she's not wearing the Mad Dog mask. The cowards should give us a Goromi dating game.
Oh it's GOTTA be Majima's introduction, right? I feel like I can't be a Majima or Yakuza fan and not mention his intro in 0. Just the shot of those iconic shoes, seeing how he handles the whole customer conflict and faces it with such humility and grace and showmanship ALL WHILST HATING IT???? BUT MAINTAINING THAT COMPOSURE AND HAVING FUN FUCKING WITH HIM WHERE HE CAN???? Holy hell. Does the bit where he learns Essence of Blade Biting count tho because that's a favourite for a DIFFERENT reas-. (But also his intro in Kiwami was my actual introduction to him and I fell in love with him then so *shrugs*)
3 favorite headcanons: How to narrow it down to just 3? Hmmm. Actually now I think about it suddenly Every Headcanon I've Heard Has Vanished gvbhnjmbhjn. I'm not very good at making my own or ranking them so uhhhhh. Okay okay:
Trans man Kiryu is canon in my head. Idk man it just feels right.
OH I REMEMBER!! So I don't give a FUCK what canon says, too many people tower over Kiryu for him to be 6 foot. So my actual height headcanons are that Nishiki is 5' 8" (good height) and Kiryu is 5' 10", whereas Majima gets to remain his full 6' 1" glory, however, he slouches a fair amount so people sometimes people forget how fucking tall he is, so when he straightens to his full height people are like oh FUCK. These heights also mean that Nishiki, Who Is Not Short, looks quite small compared to the two men lmao
Sure he's willing to hide in empty trashcans, giant traffic cones and potholes to get the jump on his Kiryu-chan, but Majima actually can't stand being dirty. (1 year of constant torture probably does that to you) He has about 10 different products in his bathroom, a very thorough and regular hair-and-skincare routine. Probably has a floral or citrussy undertone hiding under the smell of smoke, sweat and blood he usually has.
3 least favorite things about it: *sighs*. Okay:
1. Its treatment of female characters. See Exhibit A) Yuko. As we introduce more female characters I fear it'll only get worse. And the thing is, I quite like the women we get!! They just Keep Being The Same!!! Like can I have something beyond Hostess/Bar Employee Who Is Nice To Kiryu and preferably DOESN'T die with little fanfare or just get written out? Makoto probably got out of this the best but even then, not really imo?? She still had her agency taken from her in that last choice. Idk man that's the crux of it ain't it, these women having little agency beyond how to serve the men in the story.
2. I Do Not Care For These Main Plots. By that I mean I am FAR less interested in these bits of political intrigue/conspiracy and plot twists about who works for who because I simply forget who half of these cunts are and I don't actually care. I care about the relationships between the characters, which granted is a more personal taste, but it always feels like....they have something there, and they kinda know it? But not enough to give it the rich and in-depth exploration it deserves because it'd rather throw a twist my way that someone's actually Korean or something about Jingu. (NO SERIOUSLY WHO THE FUCK IS JINGU WHAT WAS HAPPENING IN KIWAMI?!?!?) It leads to Substory Kiryu and Main Story Kiryu being two different men in my head, and I much prefer one over the other
3. Kinda related to the treatment of female characters but like. The softcores. The telephone club minigame. The catfight club. MesuKing. Please stop. They're not sexy, they're not fun, they're just really uncomfortable. It doesn't help that the girl in the background for telephone club game is the fucking same but with a different bikini colour like would it KILL yall to get some body diversity?? Actually if you did that the joke would be she's fat and ugly hahahahaha so funny I loooove this I'm Having Fun Playing the game alongside bae and/or bestie honestly makes it more uncomfy, but watching softcores on my own for the sake of a substory somehow feels sadder. We started fuckin' reviewing them lmaooooo like "Okay THAT'S a pretty tasteful and sexy pose, I'll use that for ref. And now I don't know what she's doing. Please stop looking at me like that" etc etc. Basically anytime the game tries to offer me a 'sexy surprise' or a minigame with tits in it I'm just very uncomfortable. I visited that catfight club ONCE for the uh. Wait which Billionaire was it? GAMBLING KING!! Yeah him and then I never went back because why the hell would I, this is MesuKing But Even Worse. So yeah. Please stop. (I feel like they won't)
That was very long and rambly and probably more in-depth than ya wanted/expected, I'm sure others just write their faves and leave it at that lol. Despite my little experience with the franchise overall and my many issues and criticisms, I do actually quite like this franchise so far. By that I mean my brain has decided to adore Two Characters so I have a feeling I know what games will be my faves overall lol.
HOWEVER I'm actually really looking forward to playing 3 because it's got Mine in it and I've heard it's good, 4 gives us my boy Saejima who I'm excited to learn more about (and Akiyama?? I think?? Idk I'm pretty sure he sings Baka Mitai in 5 aka The Best Version of The Song). 5 introduces us to a Ms Mirei Park and BEFORE YOU ALL START: I'm reeeeally looking forward to making my own judgement because she's SO divisive as a character I cannot help but be fascinated. Ooh same with Yasuko in 4. I think I'm gonna like her, but I might not. Who knows?
And of course from the Entire Hour we played of 7 I already love Ichiban and I think he's gonna be my best friend ever, what a cutie. I'll even sit through turn-based combat for his sake (I KNOW SOME OF YALL LIKE IT AND I'M HAPPY FOR YOU I'VE JUST NEVER BEEN INTO JRPGS THE CLOSEST I'VE GOTTEN WAS POKEMON MOON WHICH I NEVER FINSIHED BUT THAT'S A STORY FOR ANOTHER TIME)
Anyway uh. Hope yall enjoyed my ramblings lol
#smol responds#yakuza game#long post#akira nishikiyama#goro majima#'why are you just tagging them and not the rest' im lazy and want to find the post again for my own benefit. maybe i'll come back and tag#AH FUCK I NEVER COPYPASTED THAT ONE POST I MADE IN A DISCORD SERVER BEFORE I LEFT. I wrote down what i knew from each game#it was kinda funny cause i was like 'im p sure we meet Akiyama in 4 right? is Shinada from 4 or 5? he's the baseball one right?'#i should do that again#OOH I SHOULD LIKE RANK THE KARAOKE SONGS AT SOME POINT (itd be an excuse to say Which Versions Are Best)
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I miss your csi insights so I thought I’d post a question…
What do you think Grissom meant when he asked Sara if she has completed her counseling?
I’m reading a fic and the author’s take is that Grissom doesn’t want to be part of a twelve step program for closure.
This question has really stomped me as to what Grissom meant...obviously everyone is allowed to have their own interpretation, but I'm interested to hear yours 😊
hi, anon!
so my take on that line is that grissom is trying to remove unnecessary guilt from sara.
i draw this interpretation not only from grissom’s body language and tone—while some fans read him as trying to shut her down, to me, he seems much too bright-eyed and forward with the way he’s talking to her to really be in that business here; as he says the line, he looks her right in the eye and nods at her encouragingly—but also from the wider gsr context of early s5 and where they’re at in their relationship trajectory at this point.
back in s4, grissom had been trying to impose arbitrary social distance between himself from sara in order to “set them both free;” however, he had been wildly unsuccessful in his efforts to do so, not only in the sense that he was never actually able to move on from sara emotionally or to encourage her to do the same from him but also insofar as he eventually ended up causing damage to sara by being so aloof/curt/harsh with her over the course of the year.
come the events of episode 04x23 “bloodlines,” he finally realized just how badly he’d stepped in it with her when she narrowly escaped getting a dui.
from there, he decided to change tacks: to step up and show her how much he actually did care for her, as opposed to trying (and failing) to pretend that he didn’t.
so going into s5, we see a much more open grissom when it comes to sara—one who is personally involved with her, who wears his heart on his sleeve, who not only unabashedly flirts with her but who is quick to remind her just how much she matters to him and to check in with her emotionally.
and, thankfully, it makes a world of difference: while all of sara’s life problems aren’t magically solved just because grissom is giving her the time of day again, she does really benefit from having his friendship and support, and their relationship at the start of the season especially is very strong, perhaps easygoing as it’s been since late s2.
so.
cut to episode 05x12 “snakes.”
on sara’s side of things, i think she’s looking at the last few months of interaction between her and grissom and going, “okay, so, i fucked up and scared the shit out of grissom with the whole drunk driving thing. immediately afterward, he felt like he had to be very hands-on with me and check up on me all the time. it took me a while to convince him that i didn’t need the kid glove-treatment, but now (after months of me toeing the line) i think he feels pretty confident in the fact that i am okay™—and not only okay but cool. i’ve shown him that i am capable of being friendly, collegial, chill, etc. honestly, things have been going pretty well for us. we’ve gotten to a place where we can be friends again. but now i have to be careful, because this is the point at which i would normally screw things up by coming on too strong with him. having his friendship again has been so amazing, and i don’t want to do anything to jeopardize it. i need to make sure that i don’t overstep, so i’m going to just talk to him and be up front—to tell him flat-out that i understand what’s what so he’ll know that i’m capable of maintaining the good status quo and not pushing.”
meanwhile, on grissom’s side, i think he’s looking at everything from the perspective that he was the one who was in error leading up to sara’s near-dui because he was being a weird, standoffish jerk who didn’t know how to manage his own hang-ups and emotions around her and that now it’s on him to “do penance” for it. while he knows he’s made progress toward being a better friend to sara ever since that turning point, he also feels as if the burden is still very much on him to finally do right by her. he knows he has a long way to go before he will finally undo all the damage he did to her self-esteem.
so then she walks into his office one day and starts apologizing to him for all sorts of things which he knows are not actually her fault, acting like she’s the one who’s not only to blame for the team split but also for whatever awkwardness there has been between them in the past (and, certainly, here, grissom can’t help but think about how he treated her during s4).
not only is she apologizing on professional grounds, but she’s also apologizing personally, insinuating that her personal feelings for grissom are part of the overall problem.
and, honestly—
grissom hates that he’s made her feel that way.
he’s given her such a guilt complex about their whole relationship dynamic, putting it in her head that she’s the one who’s been out-of-bounds, when in reality he’s been the one who’s been leading her on and confusing her and constantly changing the rules up on her for years.
so.
to break the interaction down:
sara comes into his office and leads off with, “we really haven’t had a chance to talk since the staff changes. i, uh—i wanted to let you know that i said some things to ecklie that might have done the team a disservice.”
grissom, quite sensibly and accurately, assures her, “ecklie wanted to break up the team, and he did.”
in no way is the team breakup her fault.
however, sara still feels (undue) guilt. she admits, “he asked me if you and i had had our post-peap counseling session—”
“—and we didn’t,” grissom acknowledges. however, the fact that they haven’t is hardly on her, and he tells her as much. “regardless, you should never have to cover for your boss. i’m sorry.”
here, sara’s façade of professionalism slips.
she starts to get personal.
very personal.
“you’ve always been a little more than a boss to me,” she tells him, offering a timid smile. “why do you think i moved to vegas?” she smirks, trying to play off the enormity of what she’s just said. however, grissom isn’t oblivious; he realizes the nature of what she has just admitted to—not only in the sense that she’s just told him she’s (still) in love with him, but also in the sense that she’s attempting to take the blame for their whole impossible situation, which is exactly what she tells him in the next breath. “look, i know our relationship has been complicated. it’s probably my fault. it’s probably definitely my fault.”
check out sara’s body language and tone here: she is so skittish, blinking a lot, stammering; the self-consciousness is rolling off of her in waves.
but here’s the thing: in the past (and particularly during s4), grissom might have allowed sara to feel as if her feelings for and behavior around him were the problem—that she was the one who’d been out of line; that they had so much trouble being “just supervisor and subordinate” because she couldn’t rein herself in and just act normal™ in his presence.
not now, though.
grissom knows that he’s the one who has spent the last four and a half years giving her the runaround, always keeping her at arm’s length from him while at the same time never letting her fully go. he’s sent her so many mixed signals. been simultaneously too much and not enough. prioritized his needs at the expense of hers. made her feel guilty about things that never would have even been an issue if he could have just been honest with her from the start.
so to hear her sitting there, castigating herself, making it out that she’s the problem—
all he can think is that she needs to know it isn’t her fault.
that she isn’t in the wrong.
they’re not in the right environment and he’s not quite brave enough for him to tackle the larger implications of what she’s said regarding their feelings for each other and the course of their overall relationship immediately in this moment. however, he can talk about the more micro-level issue—which in a way is symbolic of the larger thing, anyway.
“you, uh, completed your counseling, right?” he asks, and he’s trying to point out to her is that she hasn’t been remiss in anything; that there’s no reason for her to feel guilty.
he means to absolve her: not only did she complete her required counseling, just like she was asked to, but, lest she forget, she even tried to approach him to talk about it earlier in the year (see episode 05x01 “viva las vegas”).
—he’s the one who failed to follow up.
so when she can honestly answer yes, she did do all her sessions, he hopes that it will make her feel better.
he also hopes, when he asks her how her sessions went, that he’s repenting a bit of his misstep—finally doing now what he should have done back in september.
that’s been his whole mo with her, ever since he picked her up from the waiting room at pd eight months ago: to try to undo whatever harm he’s inflicted a little bit at a time, as much as he can; to apologize for the things he’s able to; to change his behavior and do better.
and his hope is that eventually he’ll get to a place where he’s not just in a position to try to make up for past mistakes but where he can proactively be the thing he needs her to be—where he can finally step up and be brave and own up to their feelings for each other in a way that would really mean something.
he doesn’t quite make it there in the course of this conversation—though, personally, i think that if sara had given him just a few more seconds before she got scared and cut the conversation off abruptly, he might have—but he’s definitely trending that way.
the very next episode is, of course, episode 05x13 “nesting dolls.”
he’s working up to finally saying what he should have told her years ago, to finally doing what he should have done years ago.
it’s a process.
“it’s not your fault” > “it’s my fault, and i’m sorry” > “now i’m going to do what i should have done before.”
anyway, that’s my take:
“you, uh, completed your counseling, right?” is grissom’s way of reminding sara that despite what she might think, she’s not the one who blew it. it’s him shifting the blame off of her and back onto himself—or at least that’s what he means it to be.
thanks for the question! please feel welcome to send another any time.
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REVIEWS OF THE WEEK!
Books I’ve read so far in 2022!
Friend me on Goodreads here to follow my more up to date reading journey for the year!
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97. Survivor Song by Paul Tremblay--⭐️⭐️
I think this author was a one-hit wonder for me. I'll keep trying but this book fell flat, especially after I'd read that awesome synopsis. I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't this.
I didn't hate it, but I think I just felt indifferent? A HEAD FULL OF GHOSTS was just so eerie and captivating and disturbing that it set an incredibly high bar for me. If anything, this one left me with that aftertaste that CABIN AT THE END OF THE WORLD left me with...but a little less bitter for having built it up so much in my head?
This is a very particular kind of "zombie" book (although we are told many times that it isn't) and I don't think this type was for me. There are a lot of unanswered questions and I wish we could have gotten some closure.
Like I said, I'll try more of his books, but this was a meh for me.
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98. In My Dreams I Hold A Knife by Ashley Winstead--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
This book was MESSY but so entertaining, up until the very end. Everyone had secrets and no one was a good person.
I had heard a lot of hype for this book before I picked it up, which I admit worried me a little bit--especially because this is a thriller. It's really hard for a thriller to have me as hooked as this book had me.
I can't say too much because I don't want to spoil it, but if you want a messy good time, give this one a go! It was just very, very entertaining and I don't know what else to say about it.
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99. New From Here by Kelly Yang--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
When the coronavirus hits Hong Kong, ten-year-old Knox Wei-Evans’s mom makes the last-minute decision to move him and his siblings back to California, where they think they will be safe. Suddenly, Knox has two days to prepare for an international move—and for leaving his dad, who has to stay for work.
At his new school in California, Knox struggles with being the new kid. His classmates think that because he’s from Asia, he must have brought over the virus. At home, Mom just got fired and is panicking over the loss of health insurance, and Dad doesn’t even know when he’ll see them again, since the flights have been cancelled. And everyone struggles with Knox’s blurting-things-out problem.
As racism skyrockets during COVID-19, Knox tries to stand up to hate, while finding his place in his new country. Can you belong if you’re feared; can you protect if you’re new? And how do you keep a family together when you’re oceans apart? Sometimes when the world is spinning out of control, the best way to get through it is to embrace our own lovable uniqueness.
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100. All That’s Left in the World by Erik J. Brown--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
I really enjoyed this book! This was another book that I've recently read that has briefly mentioned the pandemic and I'm really curious now to see what other books mention it.
I loved the slow burn between these two characters and how their love for each other grew over time. They went through so much together and honestly, it was never a dull moment. There was one particular moment that had me anxious for their safety, but it was nonstop action. I almost wish that this was part of a series so we could see what other adventures and life-threatening situations they get themselves into.
I'm a sucker for this genre of fiction (post-apocalyptic) and Brown's book did NOT disappoint! I'd recommend this to fans of this genre, and to those who want a slow burn romance between two boys who have lost everything and have somehow found each other at the end of the world.
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101. A Woman is No Man by Etaf Rum--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
TW: Domestic Violence, Sexual Assault (given how she didn't actually want to have sex but it was expected of her), Verbal abuse, depression, parental death, sexism.
This was an incredibly tough read. Rum explores topics that hit hard and brings forward discussions that I've personally only ever seen portrayed in media (such as this) and from word of mouth. I am not an Arab, so I don't have any right to say if this was an accurate portrayal of the culture. The only thing I can say is that this was an incredibly hard-hitting novel that can at times be triggering, but important.
I normally don't like the jumping of timelines, but I think this one really benefitted from this narrative style. I think it really helped build and give life to the story of these three women in such an oppressive environment. I think it also helped us see everything from different perspectives and just how biased a perspective can be when it's all we have (whether it is an intentional bias or an unconscious one).
While this novel not only dealt with the oppression of women and how they are treated like cattle to be married off, it also dealt with domestic violence and the normalization of it, and with (and this could be disputed but this is what I got from Isra's storyline) postpartum depression that just added onto Isra's already fragile mental health after a lifetime of living with domestic violence.
I think this novel also dealt with the complexities of family and culture in an interesting and eye-opening way. As much as an outsider would like to yell that familial reputation and expectations shouldn't govern the way a family functions, it's also clear how difficult it would be to change this line of thinking if this is all a person has ever known.
One last thing I think is noteworthy is the continuous allusion to doing things the "American Way". All throughout the book, we are told that Americans are too outspoken and are bad influences on the women in the culture (while simultaneously showing us the effect of this in women born and raised in the US). It was interesting seeing these families accept and adapt to the new norms, even if it was in small doses. It's like...we see this growth and hope that it affects our main characters, but if it does, it doesn't happen until it could potentially be too late.
Also, because I can't NOT write this in here because I felt so much anger on Isra's behalf: The irony of a man's sperm being the carrier of the sex of a baby is the biggest biology lesson Isra's family needs. The anger I felt for her knowing that it was in fact Adam, the perfect first born son, who was determining (biologically) the sex of their babies but of course, it's all Isra's fault. I'm sorry, but I wanted to smack a bitch.
Anyway, this book was incredible from beginning to end. I was hooked immediately and only stopped because I needed to sleep. I think this is also a powerful book to pick up--especially if you're wanting to diversify your shelves. Be aware of the trigger warnings.
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102. Hook, Line, & Sinker by Tessa Bailey--⭐️⭐️⭐️.5
While I am in the minority that liked the first book more (I’ll never get over the dining room scene and the enemies to lovers trope), I can see why this one is so loved.
There was a couple of really spicy scenes in here that I had to fan myself for, but other than that I found that this didn’t hold my attention as much as the first book. The characters were fun and I loved seeing the growth the male love interest experienced. He was also the prime example of how toxic it can be when we set expectations and sexualize children based on their parents, or by saying things like “oh, he’s going to be a heartbreaker!”
I loved their romance, but I do wish this story felt more…fulfilling? There were a couple of things that were kind of brushed over or never really concluded because it’s assumed it was fixed off page. And while I appreciate that there wasn’t an extended and unnecessary conflict, I DO think it was a little rush and let one of the characters off the hook a little too easily.
This is a great summer read (both books are) and I will always recommend this series—but yeah, I’m definitely a first book fan 😅
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Have you read any of these? Would you recommend them?
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Happy reading!
#books#bookish#booklr#bookworm#bookaholic#bibliophile#book blog#book blogger#Features#on books#on reading#read#reading#reader#review#reviews#book review#reviews of the week#long text post#long text#book list#my writing#my opinion
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Stop stalking me bird. I know you’re still on my pages after I blocked you on everything after you tried skewing the truth with your bs narratives. I’m a good person and you ruined my life!!
I am honestly not on any of your social media and you’re the one stalking me. Bugging me on here, bugging me on my Etsy messages, posting my full name on your Twitter. That’s stalking and I’ve already asked you to please take those posts down and leave me alone. I have not spoken to you in 3 years. You’d think you’d have gotten the hint. If you want to meet up and talk in person; I offered that but you turned the whole situation around and got offended by the thought. So that’s on you.
I’m good now. I got my friends and when I say they’re like family; I mean it and they mean it.
You’ve asked if I’ve told them the truth, and I have. I’ve told Austin every single thing I did wrong and everything you did wrong. He’s still one of my best friends.
You were saying I was gonna do an ambush on you like the other girls; and you were wrong. But go on and use that as your excuse for being afraid. You won’t met up because you know me getting closure means we will NEVER be friends again and you can’t let go. You won’t admit you’re the one who fucked up and ruined everything and abused us. You won’t admit you lied for attention from a 20 year old girl who was NOT in love with you even though you post on Twitter she was your “girl”, “girlfriend”, “ex” so people feel sorry for you. You post pictures of Jessica without her permission and yet you swear we are stalking you. You’ve tried reaching out to Brenda as if she ever cared about you.
You said you went to therapy and “got better” yet you keep on acting the same as you did. You swear you “didn’t have beef after the fight” with me yet YOU started it. That last phone call we had you threatened to shoot me because I saw Christmas lights with my mom. The texts messages I have leading up to that you can see all your manipulation in them. I’ve showed Austin the bruises you’ve left me during our hangouts because you got mad at a movie that YOU picked out. You were a horrible person to me and you STILL tell everyone it was my fault cus “she didn’t control me!” I was not your babysitter, I was not your lover, I was not you. So why was it my responsibility to control you? I tried and you’d get drunk and get violent. You’d stalk those girls by going to their houses, going to their workplace, staking their social medias.
And yes I’m at fault for trying to keep the peace and trying to be friends with all of you at the same time.
But, the one good thing you did was get me transferred to another job site where I met actual friends. We go out, we help each other, we watch movies together, we give each other food, we support each other, we help each other. So thank you for that. Without your abuse, I wouldn’t know what actual Unconditional Love from friends is.
Just be done Tyler. Please.
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Skype Call || Kyla and Crystal Clarington
Kyla
Kyla: Hey, Mom.
Crystal: Hi, sweetheart! How’s everything?
Kyla: Everything’s fine here. We have finals at the end of the month and then we’re basically done.
Crystal: Well that’s good. One of your dance trophies got delivered here- did you mean to do that?
Kyla: Oh is that where that went? It was supposed to come here. Can you put it on my display for me?
Crystal: Of course. Your father has had to extend it. Twice.
Kyla: *nodding* Sounds about right. Im sure he wasn’t upset about that.
Crystal: Of course not- his daughter’s a champion!
Kyla: That’s a true story. His daughter also does other things too.
Crystal: Right! How is the teaching going?
Kyla: It’s great, actually. My choreography was taught recently at a Molly Long workshop.
Crystal: Like the ones I used to take you to?
Kyla: Yep! And Molly and Alexa taught my choreography at a Project 21 class which is a huge deal.
Crystal: Congratulations! How’s Briar?
Kyla: Briar is Briar.
Crystal: I can’t believe you’re teaching with her. She was your favorite dancer!
Kyla: Please don’t ever let her know that. I’ll never hear the end of it. But I’m doing other stuff besides dance stuff. Well Im..Im thinking about it, anyway. There’s an opportunity Sutton wants me to take, but Im just not sure if its right.
Crystal: Well Sutton’s a very accomplished person, right? And she’s a dominant?
Kyla: Yes.
Crystal: Well I haven’t met her but Im sure she’ll have your best interests in mind.
Kyla: I know that. And I don’t think that doing it would hurt my career. But I think that it could be more helpful to do it at a later point in time than to do it now.
Crystal: Will the opportunity still be there later on?
Kyla: I don’t know. Not the exact situation, but something similar will be attainable.
Crystal: What is she wanting you to do?
Kyla: She wants me to do a demo. Record a song. A song that would be mine.
Crystal: That would be a big step! Why don’t you want to take it?
Kyla: Because Im not in the position to take advantage of it right now. Im in the incredibly boring Ohio.
Crystal: Well then you should just leave! There is a wonderful academy in New York, and there’s one in Los Angeles that would even let you use some of your extracurriculars as partial credits!
Kyla: *sighs* You’ve looked into this.
Crystal: I know you wanted to find your brothers, sweetheart, but you’ve found them and you’ve gotten your closure. It’s okay to move on.
Kyla: I..I think I should stay here. I barely see them- I know Daddy doesn’t want me to. But I like how sometimes I see them across the courtyard. And the school has an internal social media thing, so I can keep an eye on them.
Crystal: I really don’t think that’s healthy for you, dear. To be so in-tune with their movements; you’re just hurting yourself keeping up with something you can’t take part in.
Kyla: But they’re boys, Mom. Boys do dumb things. What if they need me? Like really really need me? What if they’re going to do something dumb and I could stop them?
Crystal: That is so far from being your job, Kyla. You can’t save everyone.
Kyla: But they deserve-
Crystal: Don’t talk to me about what they deserve.
Kyla: Fine. I only called to talk about the song, anyway. If I do it now, it can’t really go anywhere.
Crystal: Why does Sutton want you to do it?
Kyla: She says having another kind of performance in my portfolio can only help me. But again, Im only going to get one debut. Shouldn’t I wait until-
Crystal: I should go and ask your father.
Kyla: He doesn’t actually know though!
Crystal: Well he’s who I bring things to.
Kyla: Im not asking him- I know what he’ll say. Im asking you.
Crystal: Don’t be so cross, Kyla.
Kyla: Im sorry. I just want to know what you think. You’ve had my image in mind since before I could walk. Should I time out my singing debut, or does it not really matter when I do it?
Crystal: It probably doesn’t matter, I suppose. You aren’t going to be a singer for a living; especially once you get claimed. Anyone interested in you professionally can listen to your song at any time. Will it be marketed?
Kyla: Sutton would have me market a tiny bit to keep the songwriter happy. But it’s not going to be submitted for awards any time soon.
Crystal: How does she expect you to record it?
Kyla: She’s going to order me an at-home recording kit. Apparently the small size of my dorm is perfect for it, and I don’t have a roommate to worry about. There’s a few songs to choose from.
Crystal: Which shows the most skill?
Kyla: None, really. They’re not my usual type of singing; they’re more uh..trendy, I guess. I just emailed you the lyrics. Can you and Daddy look at them and tell me which you’re leaning towards?
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Every now and again I just think about what happened. And how othering it is. You don't just get raped by your cousin, who tricked you into thinking it was okay because he said he'd done it with his much older sister too. Why did he know what a condom was at 9, and why did he show me how to use it? Why go through all of that when you only did all of this because we were home alone?
I was always scared of him — I never liked boys who got in my bubble and touched me. That's just always been a thing. I genuinely don't know if he made it worse or not. There's a lot I don't know because that happened. I consider it a blessing that there was a condom involved, but really it isn't. It's a constant game of "would it have been better with or without" because on one hand, I dodged a tactical nuke. On the other hand, I now sit wondering what that nuke would've felt like if it had hit me.
I like to think I've moved on. And I have, and I know that healing isn't linear, but so much feels like it keeps happening to make me doubt myself. I remember it so clearly, I can feel everything and I remember everything about it, where I was, why I was there. I think. It all went by so fast. But eleven years later and it still keeps clinging on to me.
I don't know if it's because I realized what happened to me that made me this way, but all I can feel is bitterness and anger. So much is stored inside me that I can barely contain it, but I would never, ever in a million years wish to bring that anger out on someone who didn't deserve it. I never want to see him again, but I also do just so that I can feel justified for what he did. And maybe bring myself the closure of that — have it come back to bite him in the ass, or something.
I know that I wouldn't. I'd be far too scared to; I'm not physically strong, I'm scared of hurting people, and I think that's what makes me angrier about this. I want to do something but I can't.
I'm incredibly lucky that for the friends who know believe me, and support me even through my lowest lows.
And I guess I'm lucky that there was something stopping worse from happening. It's not so much recollections of the event that get me anymore, it's the thoughts of "this could've happened" and general realizations. Coming to understand that no, it wasn't just assault, it was actual rape? That shattered me. It absolutely destroyed me, and it just felt like it kept getting worse. There's so many feelings that I have about it — disgust and fear and spite. It was incest, it was so fucking risky. I'd started puberty by then. And if he had too, if that condom wasn't there? What then?
It's given me a feeling of loss that I cannot put into words. Losing something I never had, and might never have even gotten the chance to. I don't think I'd have made a good mother at eight years old, nor would my own mother. Would I have loved her? What would've happened to her?
I love 8. She's a wonderful little girl, she's a joy to have around whenever she comes by. But every time I see her I feel so sorry for her existence. I know why she's here, and I can't currently fathom losing her. I want to say "losing her again" but. I never lost her in the first place.
I want to move on from this, so bad. And even now it still hurts so horribly every time it comes back to mind, how corruptedly altered my perception of the world is because of it. Not just that, other things too. But the one-time occasion is more painful than having gotten used to abuse. Maybe that's why I grieve it so often.
There's a lot I question about myself because of it. If I actually like men, if I'm actually trans, if I wouldn't be a system if he'd never done that. 8 definitely wouldn't be here, at least. And though I care about her a part of me wishes she didn't exist. It just feels like a scar that cannot be removed, even if it isn't her fault.
I never want to blame her for merely living her little life because of something that happened to me. I don't even want to blame myself, and thank god I've moved on from that. But god, I wish I could've gotten legal closure. But cases like this can only be taken to court ten years after the incident. My time has passed.
Maybe some day I can find a way to get what I want and really move on. Hopefully, at least.
#not art#okay talking about some of my worst life experiences over I'm back to normalcy#real talk though just. don't read this if you're sensitive#tw rape#// rape#tw abuse#// abuse#like a lot of fucking rape talk. sorry about that#// cocsa#tw cocsa#// csa#tw csa#the fact that i know the abbreviation of cocsa off the top of my head is. so sad honestly#thinks about dragons to make myself feel better#tw ???
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Hi, there! Anon, here! Oh, yes indeed I enjoyed the one-shots! And it’s helpful to know that ao3 allows guest comments. I might try that instead (and then *I* will post novella-length comments, too! Haha!) Re: bodies of dust illuminated – the balance was precarious, but I think you mastered it! Yes, Nerdy Hewlett is the best! More please? TBC…
Re: journey’s end in lover’s meeting – thank you for sharing/explaining about the reference to the Odyssey! It’s very sweet, and self-aware! And it seems to me like something he actually would have said in canon, had we gotten the closure we wanted, because even in their last scene he admitted (with his limited understanding of Anna’s intentions) “we were both swept up by our passions…” But ugh, that is the issue – he believes that everything she did was *solely* for Abraham. 😥 TBC...
Re: Hewlett forgiving Anna post S4. As far as Hew not being as jaded, I agree because of his non-aggression toward Abe, and helpfulness to Abigail. But I also think he treats them well because of his character. Is that also why you feel he isn’t as jaded at the end of the season? Or do you have other thoughts? I’m all ears (if you don’t mind sharing!) TBC...
And about your meta; I’ve read it more than once and I strongly relate to your beliefs (and, I think, all the bittersweet feelings!) They both put the good of the other first, without expecting reciprocation! That is the highest form of love. We as viewers need good examples of true love, and Annlett is one of the best! I look forward to reading more of any fics you plan to share, and I hope you are well! 😊 🤗
Hi! Yep! From what I've heard, AO3 guest comments work similarly to sending anon asks on here; you just have to provide your email, list a name for yourself if you want, and then write your comment.
I'm so glad you enjoyed the oneshots! And I'm glad you thought that line rang true to Hewlett's character. ❤︎
Re: Hewlett being less jaded, I was thinking of the scene with Hewlett and Abe after they dispatched the Queen's Ranger, when Hewlett tells Abe that he wants to buy himself an estate, and Abe thinks that Hewlett wants to share the estate with Anna. From what I remember of the scene, Hewlett is very subdued (resigned, even) when he tells Abe that the estate is not for Anna; it’s for himself, so that he can spend his days in peace and solitude. He doesn’t have the bitterness that he had when meeting with Anna in 3.08. It’s clear he’s still hurt, but his emotions aren’t flaring anymore—largely because he’s been so worn down by the war; all he wants is for the war to be over, regardless of who wins. The mechanics of how that happens are irrelevant to him.
As for his treatment of Abe and Abigail, yes, I agree that’s largely due to his character, especially with regard to Abigail. Although I'd also say that his ability to overlook Abe’s (latest) attempt to murder him and his willingness to partner with Abe to murder Simcoe point again to his world weariness and relaxing of the ideals he brought into the war. That scene does also show, though, that he’s capable of forgiveness, even of someone who’s repeatedly tried to murder him/betrayed his trust and confidence/broken agreements, which is significant. Of course, with Anna, his pain is much more personal, but, given the right circumstances (i.e., a long talk and ample self-reflection afterwards, and plenty of time to think everything over), I think he could come around to starting again.
I can’t speak to anything more specific than those examples because it’s been well over a year since I’ve watched Turn all the way through, but I hope those examples can help you work through the dilemma of finding an in-character reasoning for Hewlett to forgive Anna and try things again. His actor, Burn Gorman, also did some great interviews about Hewlett’s character arc. There were several of his on AMC’s Turn page, but some of the Turn cast interviews are gone now (the pages aren't available anymore), unfortunately. There still might be a couple of his interviews on there, though, if you have time to kill and feel like poking around their site. I can't remember if there were any interviews with him on YouTube where he discussed the end of Hewlett's character arc, but if there are, those would certainly still be available.
I’m glad you enjoyed the meta! I do have a oneshot I posted on AO3 a couple weeks ago, separate from the prompt fills: couldn’t utter my love if it counted. It’s a bit steamier than other Annlett fics I’ve written, although it’s nowhere near smut (I know my writing limits lol).
Take care, anon! ❤︎
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