the worst part about being a fat woman with an eating disorder is that if you offered a chance for me to be thin, i know i would take it in a second, and i also know that it comes both from a place of insecurity and ed thinking but also very real oppression as a fat woman

The key thing that people who promote diets for health do not understand is that our brain chemicals and bodies do not share our societally taught, moral stance on food. Our brains and bodies instead, function on a system of chemical reactions, synapses and homeostasis-maintaining biological systems that don’t give a shit about whether or not Cosmo Magazine thinks Doritos are bad for your health. 

The body contains a self maintaining emergency system for dealing with sudden health risks, like white blood cells to fight infections, blood coagulants to stop bleeding, fight or flight mode to protect us in emergencies, and increased hunger hormones to combat starvation.

What it does not do so well, is stopping us from eating too much. Our body’s survival mechanism surrounding food is a one way operation that doesn’t have an off switch, and it doesn’t care that you want to be thin. It doesn’t care that you’re restricting in order to fit into your wedding dress six months from now. It doesn’t care that your doctor ordered you to eat less cholesterol, or that you hate your thighs. It is a single minded machine, bent on keeping you alive. 

Because we have so little control over this self perpetuating meat suit that runs on chemicals and electric impulses, trying to get in the way of its self perpetuating system is designed to fail. It is the same as messing with ones ability to breath, or trying to stop from having sexual thoughts, or struggling to hold in one’s urine. The body must eat to survive. It will swiftly grow accustomed to having enough tasty food around to keep it fed and happy, and some people, for multiple reasons, end up getting fat from circumstances of upbringing, genetics, illness, or being subjected to diets in early life, 

If you starve a thin person, they will suffer and their body will fight back. If you starve a fat person, they will suffer, and their body will fight back. The size of the person when you start starving them, and the intellectual reasons behind why you’re starving them, matter about as much to your body as the chemical makeup of moon rocks. Your body does not give a shit about your moral stance on food, AND IT FUCKING HATES YOUR DIET. 

It will crave whatever amount of tasty food it’s used to, and if you try to stop it, it will fucking bite you. Do not fuck with your body. 

Find ways to work with it instead. 

tbh i think that mostly just has to do with who subscribes to those different ideas. body positivity is an idea/movement that is generally led by plus sized individuals trying to love themselves in a world that hates them whereas body neutrality is more generally talked about by average sized or even skinny people who are dealing with body dysmorphia problems of their own but just not for the “society hates me” reasons - not trying to accept their body necessarily but to just not think about it at all. again i say this all in a general sense and as an overweight person. i do totally get what you’re saying and why you wanted to point it out but idk in my experience the body neutrality thing is nice and a great goal in theory but like i said when i live in a world that actively shames me every day i feel like i need to be more than neutral about my body if i want to get by, but i can see how that may work for others

but that's exactly my point anon

a body acceptance movement centered around thin and average people is always fatphobic because it will always maintain the status quo for fat people and it will never get to the crux of the issue.

I have said repeatedly on this subject that you cannot fight negativity with neutrality and I mean it.

Think about it... If someone says "Fat people are nasty," the statement "fat people exist" doesn't negate them or challenge them in any way. "Fat people are wonderful," however, does. The same goes for a personal statement. "I'm too fat" is not countered by "I am the size that I am," it's countered by "there's no such thing as "too fat" because "fat" is not a bad thing to be."

You will never fight negativity with neutrality. Neutrality that focuses on thin and average people, then, will always continue the cycle of fatphobia and will then miss the mark of why average and thin people feel uncomfortable and are held to unhealthy and harmful societal standards.

"I'm too fat" is not a judgement about your size, it's a judgement about fat in general. Because regardless of your size, there would be no such thing as "too fat" if you didn't hate fat people. And thus, the way to fight "I'm too fat" is to fight the hatred of fat. The hatred of fat cannot be fought by body neutral sayings such as "I am the size that I am" or even "Fat is just a part of your body." Both of these statements can exist and fat can also be bad. You have to fight the idea that fat is bad, which can only be fought with the idea that fat is good.

It's the same reason why -1 + 0 = -1. You have to add positive 1 to negative 1 to make 0. You have to cancel out the negative with a positive.

With the body neutral movement, from the second tiny thin Jameela Jamil was all over the internet and late night TV proclaiming it 'better' than body positivity, thin and average people looked for a way to not confront their fatphobic assumptions. So much of this space is just thin and average people telling themselves and each other that they're not fat, and not to think about it. It never challenges the underlying assumptions and prejudices. And because these people are not affected by those assumptions and prejudices, when they give themselves permission to not think about it, they give themselves permission to not care about what happens to us. To look the other way. It's not about them and their issues (even though - it IS because their issues only exist because of the assumptions and prejudices about us), so they don't have to care! They walk around with neutral sayings that help them get through the day while allowing the negativity towards us to continue while feeling morally justified and great in that it's not their problem.

So yeah, you and I and others like us need to be more than neutral about our bodies to combat the negativity and they have the privilege to not care. But then how is that not hating us? How is that not evil? How is that not fatphobic and disgusting?

Body neutrality is fatphobic. End of story.

The "appalling" circumstances of being overweight !

Yes, you read that right. It is, as the title suggests, appalling to be overweight. How, do you ask? Well, first of all, look at all the space overweight people take up, where will the others live ? Secondly, look at the amount of food they eat, how will it suffice for everyone ? Barring this, there are many other horrific things that overweight people do, the biggest one being - just existing. How can they ever think of doing that.

Before you think that I am complete moron, allow me to tell you that the anecdote above is just satirical, in case it was difficult to comprehend. But it is not too far fetched in how we feel about overweight people as a society.

We feel this uncontrollable need to tell them that they do not fit the societal standards of thinness and beauty, that they ought to change themselves, that they are at a risk for many diseases and the unsolicited advice never stops.

Those words crush their confidence, their self esteem and it hits them like a glove hits a punching bag and shatters it to pieces. It becomes difficult to pick up those pieces and become whole again. How do I know this ? Well, I have been fat shamed quite a bit in the past couple of years.

It is funny how society in general finds it so easy to comment on someone's weight. I do not want to hold myself on a moral high ground and absolve myself of the same thing that I am complaining about. I am also equally responsible for perpetuating such behaviour before I fit into the fat/overweight category.

There can be multitude of reasons why a person may be overweight. Some may be overweight because they have a tendency to be so due to being naturally built like that while for other it may be due to any other plethora of reasons.

But is it so important for us a society to question their weight? Don't you think they may already know the fact that they are overweight and may be working on themselves. What they do or do not do to reduce their weight is none of our business. This in no way is to condoning anything that might harm someone but why does shame has to play a part in how someone feels about their weight. The shaming does nothing but make the other person feel ashamed of existing in their body

It isn't uncommon to think that this shaming comes from the fact that a person might not be fitting in a societal beauty standard. While standards of beauty change over time, you cannot expect every person to fit into those standards. It may be thought that shaming someone might get them to better themselves, but it is mostly out of spite or to disprove someone and regain the lost self-worth back.

What can be done is to approach with love, care and affection, to convey the concerns without making it a matter of humiliation for the other person. You can chose compassion over blatant display of worry. You can choose be to kind and hold space for improvement. Your words have impact, like a stone thrown in a sea. You cannot see it but it surely goes very deep.

I’m Abandoning Body Positivity and Here’s Why

In short: it’s fatphobic.

“A rallying cry for a shift in societal norms has now become the skinny girl’s reassurance that she isn’t really fat. Fatness, through this lens of ‘body positivity’, remains the worst thing a person can be.” (Kayleigh Donaldson)

•  •  •

I have always had a lot of conflicting opinions about the body positivity movement, but it’s much more widely known (and accepted, go figure) than the fat liberation movement, so I often used the two terms interchangeably in conversation about anti-fatness. But the longer I’ve been following the body positivity movement, the more I’ve realized how much it has strayed from its fat lib origins. It has been hijacked; deluded to center thin, able, white, socially acceptable bodies.

Bopo’s origins are undoubtedly grounded in fat liberation. The fat activists of the 1960s paved the way for the shred of size acceptance we see in media today, initially protesting the discrimination and lack of access to equal opportunities for fat people specifically. This early movement highlighted the abuse, mental health struggles, malpractice in the medical field, and called for equal pay, equal access, equal respect, an end to fatphobic structures and ideas. It saddens me that it hasn’t made much progress in those regards. 

Today, the #bopo movement encapsulates more the idea of loving your own body versus ensuring that individuals regardless of their weight and appearance are given equal opportunities in the workplace, schools, fashion and media. Somehow those demands never made it outside of the ‘taboo’ category, and privileged people would much more readily accept the warm and fuzzy, sugar-coated message of “love yourself!” But as @yrfatfriend once said, this idea reduces fat people’s struggles to a problem of mindset, rather than a product of external oppressors that need to be abolished in order for fat people to live freely.

That generalized statement, “love yourself,” is how a movement started by fat people for the rights of fat people was diluted so much, it now serves a thin model on Instagram posting about how she has a tummy roll and cellulite on her thighs - then getting praised for loving her body despite *gasp!* its minor resemblance to a fat body. 

Look. Pretty much everyone has insecurities about their bodies, especially those of us who belong to marginalized groups. If you don’t have body issues, you’re a privileged miracle, but our beauty-obsessed society has conditioned us to want to look a certain way, and if we have any features that the western beauty standard considers as “flaws,” yeah! We feel bad about it! So it’s not surprising that people who feel bad about themselves would want to hop on a movement that says ‘hey, you’re beautiful as you are!’ That’s a message everyone would like to hear. Any person who has once thought of themselves as less than beautiful now feels that this movement is theirs. And everyone has insecurities, so everyone feels entitled to the safe space. And when a space made for a minority includes the majority, the cycle happens again and the majority oppresses the minority. What I’m trying to explain here is that thin people now feel a sense of ownership over body positive spaces. 

Regardless of how badly thin people feel about their bodies, they still experience thin privilege. They can sit down in a theater or an airplane without even thinking about it, they can eat in front of others without judgement, they can go the doctor with a problem and actually have it fixed right away, they can find cute clothes in their size with ease, they do not suffer from assumptions of laziness/failure based on stereotype, they see their body type represented everywhere in media, the list goes on and on. They do not face discrimination based off of the size of their body. 

Yet diet culture and fatphobia affects everyone, and of course thin people do still feel bad about the little fat they have on their bodies. But the failure to examine WHY they feel bad about it, is what perpetuates fatphobia within the bopo movement. They’re labeled “brave” for showing a pinch of chub, yet fail to address what makes it so acceptably daring, and how damaging it is to people who are shamed for living in fat bodies. Much like the rest of society, thin body positivity is still driven by the fear of fat, and does nothing to dismantle fatphobia within structures or within themselves.

Evette Dionne sums it up perfectly in her article, “The Fragility of Body Positivity: How a Radical Movement Lost Its Way.”

“The body-positive media economy centers these affirming, empowering, let-me-pinch-a-fat-roll-to-show-how-much-I-love-myself stories while failing to actually challenge institutions to stop discriminating against fat people. More importantly, most of those stories center thin, white, cisgender, heterosexual women who have co-opted the movement to build their brands. Rutter has labeled this erasure ‘Socially Acceptable Body Positivity.’

“On social media, it actually gets worse for fat bodies: We’re not just being erased from body positivity, fat women are being actively vilified. Health has become the stick with which to beat fat people with [sic], and the benchmark for whether body positivity should include someone” (Dionne).

Ah, yes. The medicalization of fat bodies, and the moralization of health. I’ve ranted about this before. Countless comments on posts of big women that say stuff like “I’m all for body positivity, but this is just unhealthy and it shouldn’t be celebrated.” I’ve heard writer/activist Aubrey Gordon once say that body positivity has become something like a shield for anti-fatness. It’s anti-fatness that has been repackaged as empowerment. It’s a striking double-standard. Fat people are told to be comfortable in their bodies (as if that’s what’s going to fix things) but in turn are punished when they’re okay with being fat. Make it make sense.

Since thin people feel a sense of ownership over body positive spaces, and they get to hide behind “health” when they are picking and choosing who can and cannot be body positive, they base it off of who looks the most socially acceptable. And I’m sure they aren’t consciously picking and choosing, it comes from implicit bias. But the socially acceptable bodies they center are small to medium fat, with an hourglass shape. They have shaped a new beauty standard specifically FOR FAT PEOPLE. (Have you ever seen a plus sized model with neck fat?? I’m genuinely asking because I have yet to find one!) The bopo movement works to exclude and silence people who are on the largest end of the weight spectrum. 

Speaking of exclusion, let’s talk about fashion for a minute.

For some reason, (COUGH COUGH CAPITALISM) body positivity is largely centered around fashion. And surprise surprise, it’s still not inclusive to fat people. Fashion companies get a pat on the back for expanding their sizing two sizes up from what they previously offered, when they are still leaving out larger fat people completely. In general, clothing companies charge more for clothes with more fabric, so people who need the largest sizes are left high and dry. It’s next to impossible to find affordable clothes that also look nice. Fashion piggybacks on the bopo movement as a marketing tactic, and exploits the very bodies it claims to be serving. (Need I mention the time Urban Outfitters used a "curvy” model to sell a size it doesn’t even carry?)

The movement also works to exclude and silence fat Black activists.

In her article, “The Body Positivity Movement Both Takes From and Erases Fat Black Women” Donyae Coles explains how both white people and thin celebrities such as Jameela Jamil profit from the movement that Black women built.

“Since long before blogging was a thing, fat Black women have been vocal about body acceptance, with women like Sharon Quinn and Marie Denee, or the work of Sonya Renee Taylor with The Body Is Not An Apology. We’ve been out here, and we’re still here, but the overwhelming face of the movement is white and thin because the mainstream still craves it, and white and thin people have no problem with profiting off the work of fat, non-white bodies.”

“There is a persistent belief that when thin and/or white people enter the body positive realm and begin to repeat the messages that Black women have been saying for years in some cases, when they imitate the labor that Black women have already put in that we should be thankful that they are “boosting” our message. This completely ignores the fact that in doing so they are profiting off of that labor. They are gaining the notoriety, the mark of an expert in something they learned from an ignored Black woman” (Coles).

My next essay will go into detail about this and illuminate key figures who paved the way for body acceptance in communities of color. 

The true purpose of this movement has gotten completely lost. So where the fuck do we go from here? 

We break up with it, and run back to the faithful ex our parents disapproved of. We go back to the roots of the fat liberation movement, carved out for us by the fat feminists, the queer fat activists, the fat Black community, and the allies it began with. Everything they have preached since the 1960s and 70s is one hundred percent applicable today. We get educated. We examine diet culture through a capitalist lens. We tackle thin, white-supremacist systems and weight based discrimination, as well as internalized bias. We challenge our healthcare workers to unlearn their bias, treat, and support fat patients accordingly. We make our homes and spaces accessible and welcoming to people of any size, or any (dis)ability. “We must first protect and uplift people in marginalized bodies, only then can we mandate self-love” (Gordon).

Think about it. In the face of discrimination, mistreatment, and emotional abuse, we as a society are telling fat people to love their bodies, when we should be putting our energy toward removing those fatphobic ideas and structures so that fat people can live in a world that doesn’t require them to feel bad about their bodies. It’s like hitting someone with a rock and telling them not to bruise!

While learning to love and care for the body that you’re in is important, I think that body positivity also fails in teaching that because it puts even more emphasis on beauty. Instead of saying, “you don’t have to be ‘beautiful’ to be loved and appreciated,” its main lesson is that “all bodies are beautiful.” We live in a society obsessed with appearance, and it is irresponsible to ignore the hierarchy of beauty standards that exist in every space. Although it should be relative, “beautiful” has been given a meaning. And that meaning is thin, abled, symmetric, and eurocentric. 

Beauty and ugliness are irrelevant, made-up constructs. People will always be drawn to you no matter what, so you deserve to exist in your body without struggling to conform to an impossible and bigoted standard. Love and accept your body for YOURSELF AND NO ONE ELSE, because you do not exist to please the eyes of other people. That’s what I wish we were teaching instead. Radical self acceptance!

As of today, the ultimate message of the body positivity movement is: Love your body “despite its imperfections.” Or people with “perfect and imperfect bodies both deserve love.” As long as we are upholding the notion that there IS a perfect body that looks a certain way, and every body that falls outside of that category is imperfect, we are upholding white supremacy, eugenics, anti-fatness, and ableism.

[ + ] SYLPH OF BREATH [ + ]

To be a Sylph of Breath is to heal many different attributes of a person. Although they may get overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of their work, a sense of purpose can help them steer themselves in the right direction. They’re forward-thinking and always ready to face what’s wrong, even if it means jeopardising personal things in an effort to help others. Restoration of that balance between work and play is what keeps them going, after all. This hero relishes in the company of others because spreading their word is a fruitless job without any friends to spread it to, so they try to be as approachable as possible. Overall, there’s more to be gained than lost when encountering one of these Heroes, however much they’re scatterbrained and detached because of their Aspect’s push and pull. They’ll pull themself out of such a rut if necessary.

In everyday society, the Sylph will work best in the crowds - dispersing them where they have to in order to maintain a sense of freedom in their peers. Though they can often be taken as misguided or unwilling to accept instruction, they’re keenly wrapped up in every piece of their work and think they know what’s best. Being oppressed in any form can make them more anxious than usual, and it carries on to seeing treatment of others. This Hero truly has the best intentions, and is good to come to if one feels stuck in a situation, but they may find they’re unable to properly see another person’s perspective in the argument. To heal freedom, they’ll release those around them from harsh connections, whether that be more societal - bad relationships or strained friendships - or environmental. Through their personal dislike of scheduling, they can often convince others to loosen their stresses or rethink the fairness of what they’re going through.

SBurb presents quite the hurdle for the Sylph, but their effectiveness really boils down to whatever’s thrown at them. They’ll maintain the environment around them and keep their teammates going with invigorating spirit, sure, but may end up feeling isolated themself. Their true powers lie in pulsing change, and stagnancy of any kind throughout their session will draw their attention best. As a Breath player, they’re best settled in a supportive role in the Battlefield or through other arguments. Clashing with this is their role as a Sylph, because a healer has to be alert and ready to assist at any given time. They need to also see change through their own actions, so the ascent to God Tier and manifestation of their abilities can give them a much-needed boost in morale. Sure, they’re a widespread healer and maintaining class, but it’s no good if they let themself fall to the wayside.

Being a Sylph means this Hero is unwilling to make enemies, but if their connection to Breath has taught them one thing it’s that sometimes it’s better to let go. For this reason, they shy away from destructive classes like Princes or frail Pages, and those who think they know better - such as Seers - can come across as self-righteous and unwilling to be assisted (often in a reflection of their own hypocrisy, though they don’t want to admit it). Blood and Rage are their opposing Aspects in a fundamental level, so they’ll steer clear if possible even though their values are important. They’ll likely find companionship in the free-spirited Hope and Life players. Seeing things that can be fixed, they may try to bond with and redirect the Thief’s intentions into something more positive. Likewise, they can help the Knight loosen up by spreading their own influence thin enough to lighten the load.

~ ☀️

Dear Chris McCandless,

Wait, sorry let me start once again. I forgot your hate towards societal norms that don't make sense.

To a person I never knew personally hence isn't dear to me,

"I don't want to know what time it is. I don't want to know what day it is or where I am. None of that matters."

It's been more than a decade since I got to know about a somebody in this world, the world that strives to fit us inside a clock from the moment we are born, to make us disciplined to an extent that we forget the thin lines between being a human and a robot until we end up losing all the humanly traits we once carried.

"I think careers are a 20th century invention and I don't want one."

Is it good to have a career? It is one of the many materialistic needs of life. You need money to have a good life and to find happiness- at least, that's what we are taught since childhood. An idea reiterated to us countless times until it settles into our minds like a seed that grows even when we attempt to suppress it.

But it is extremely hard to conform to a society where you gain something as profound as knowledge only for monetary gains. When you see the quest for knowledge and wisdom outshined by the struggles to become a money-making machine, you wonder if this is the life you want.

With all the ups and downs in one's existence, they seem to lose parts of themselves only to heal them with new ones. If the entire essence and personality of a person shift constantly, how are they supposed to like one solitary thing for the rest of their lives?

I guess what they say is true- "If you are not at war with yourself. You are at war with others." I think that is one of the essential reasons why most of us have a substantial portion of our hearts filled with regret that we need to scour in the depths of our souls to find a few moments worth cherishing. We often blur the lines between being in denial and blaming others for the choices we never made.

Are we too living our "lies" somewhere?

From giving us a name to deciding how our life is supposed to work, each of the little things of our life is a preconceived concept. All of these trivial things gradually add up to design our entire life.

I know changing your name to "Alexander Supertramp" did not necessarily alter the reality of life. Nevertheless, it gave you the contentment of taking control of your life. But do we actually do anything to change our lives? Each day, most of us think that we are going to live a unique life. But how many of us actually go out of our way to grab what we want?

It is perhaps the most courageous lesson you taught us- the first step you take towards being the master of your life is the hardest but it is only in that one insignificant step that the rest of our life can be changed for the better or for worse.

"Happiness is only real when shared."

In a society that is near to being morally dead, you think about leaving everything behind and not believing in the joy that human relationships bring. The betrayal, lies and deceits we hear in the world more than the words of comfort from our loved ones make us ponder whether it is worth taking the risk.

Your story is a masterpiece because it has its own share of missteps. You were able to uncover the deceptions and lies of the people, however, you forgot the comfort of a human bond.

How problematic are they? Would they get cancelled?

content: cursing, mild spoilers, insulting your faves, long list of characters

EREN ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ soooo problematic and for what? in his defense, eren doesn’t actively try to come off as an asshole— he just has strong opinions and doesn’t really care if it rubs people the wrong way

MIKASA *ೃ༄ my girl out here getting hate for no reason. haters are just afraid because mikasa is a strong, independent woman who doesn’t care for their stupid comments

ARMIN ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ armin is perfect, he can do wrong in my eyes. he’s the golden child of attack on titan. i dont accept criticism on this sorry

JEAN *ೃ༄ mmm yes but no; people would probably just give him shit because a video surfaced of him treating his mom kinda badly. some defend him and others don’t

CONNIE ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ because he’s just a crackhead, connie might accidentally say something offensive. his manager will have to apologize on his behalf because he’d probably fuck it up and make it worse lmao

SASHA *ೃ༄ gets hateful comments because she’s unapologetically herself— doesn’t quite care for bullshit societal norms and does what she wants, which sometimes gets her in trouble

MARCO ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ this man doesn’t have a mean bone in his body, someone protect him. if anything, he might just get caught in jean’s drama at times

HISTORIA *ೃ༄ publicly, she’s okay but i feel like she’d have some really dark and questionable morals on the downlow

YMIR ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ misandrist. she’s not sorry either sjsjsjsj

ANNIE *ೃ༄ doesn’t really fuck with people. annie is the definition of “minding my business” but if someone gets on her bad side, bitch won’t be afraid to bring out the receipts

REINER ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ made a lot of bad decisions when he was young and now they’ve come back to bite him in the ass. he’s really just trying to live his life but people will bring back shit he did like 5 years ago

BERTHOLDT *ೃ༄ others have done worse shit than him but ppl just focus on one bad thing he did. like, they won’t let go no matter how much time has passed. tries to handle it with grace but kinda snaps

LEVI ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ do no harm but take no shit. levi might get a bad rep but he’s perhaps one of the least problematic characters. looks like he could shit in your dinner (and would) but only if you deserve it.

HANGE *ೃ༄ kinda crazy. hange is living life to the fullest, sometimes threading in dangerous territory but they are not offensive in general.

ERWIN ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ my man is no angel, he’s done his fair share of problematic shit but somehow smooth talks his way out of punishments??

FLOCH *ೃ༄ he’s easy to hate. mostly cuz he’s a shitty person but partly because he looks so annoying.

MARLO ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ he’s the one cancelling people. jk, marlo would try his best to be a good role model and dislikes cancel culture because he thinks it doesn’t teach people to be better by learning from their mistakes (this varies on the situation)

KENNY *ೃ༄ drunk uncle that can beat your ass no matter how old he gets. not a good parental role either!! homo— sexual? phobic?

RICO ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ this waifu might seem like a bit of a hardass with unsavory opinions but doesn’t have malicious intent so we give her a pass.

PIECK *ೃ༄ homegirl is asleep most of the time. she doesn’t have the energy to be problematic.

PORCO ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ porco acts really high and mighty for someone who’s quite problematic. always starts beef with reiner. it’s so random too, like ??

MARCEL *ೃ༄ the better twin. not problematic whatsoever. he’s actually the one who deescalates his brother’s fights. bless him

COLT & FALCO ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ really wholesome siblings and people in general. they’ve never done anything wrong in their life, ever.

GABI *ೃ༄ for a child, she gets a lot of hate. gabi doesn’t quite fully understand the adult world so she might say or do things that bother people. doesn’t mean she deserves the hate but anyway—

YELENA ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ a culprit by association. adores zeke at an unhealthy level and condones all the bad shit he’s done. knows the diff between right and wrong but ignores it. may or may not have mafia connections

ZEKE *ೃ༄ zeke is the type of person who’s in the wrong but refuses to admit it. his way or the highway.

ONYANKOPON ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ he’s an unproblematic king. wouldn’t be afraid to apologize or own up to his errors and that’s why we stan

TYBUR *ೃ༄ probably an incel. despite the obvious red flags, i feel like he’d manage to gaslight people into thinking he’s a good person. probably a cult leader too

NICCOLO ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ “you punch a couple hundred orphans and suddenly you’re mean” niccolo took ryan reynold’s a little too seriously. he’s gordon ramsey w/ everyone except sasha

GRISHA *ೃ༄ uhh well he’s not winning father of the year award anytime soon. grisha has made some mistakes and sorta learned from them? he’s trying his best but he’s on thin fucking ice

CARLA ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ unlike her son, miss carla wouldn’t get cancelled. everybody loves this milf (as they should). horny thoughts aside, she’s actually really sweet

REINER’S PARENTS *ೃ༄ i’d label them as the worst parents in aot but that title is reserved for historia’s parents. anyway, these mfs would have CPS on their asses since day 1

HISTORIA’S PARENTS ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ crème de la crème of being asshole parents. CEOs of shitty parenting. everyone hates them and for good reason.

The Killing Joke: What Arthur Fleck Finds So Funny

     Just as any other film, television series, animation, or comic book produced after The Dark Knight, Joker (and specifically Joaquin Phoenix’s performance) will necessarily be held up against what has come to be accepted as the gold standard of Heath Ledger’s unsettling and timeless portrayal of the clown prince of crime.  While I could argue the merits of both legendary actor’s turns filling the shoes of Mister J in terms of performance, technique, etc., what I find infinitely more interesting is to examine the shift in the philosophical stance of the character between the two screen incarnations.

     The general consensus amongst fans and critics alike is that Ledger’s Joker was a searing satire of and critique on the orderly, structured world he saw around him: people behaving in manners that conformed to paper-thin ethical standards that would degrade in the face of overwhelming pressure.  He claims–as the Killing Joke Joker did–that “all it takes is a little push” for people to abandon their moral sentiments and revert to sheer self-interest and chaos.  Ledger’s Joker was essentially fulfilling the archetype of the trickster god, reminiscent of Bugs Bunny or Loki, who wants to demonstrate the absurdity of the rules to those who consider themselves beholden to them by trapping said people in logical and moral puzzles that are a direct result of the contradictions inherent in the system: loopholes, if you will.  His fulfillment of the archetype is demonstrated by the final ferry sequence, the money burning, the Rachel/Harvey choice, etc.

     Phoenix’s Joker, on the other hand, comes across as rather motiveless and random, denying us even an albeit twisted logic by which to understand his actions and thought processes: he kills for sport, for vengeance, in retribution for real or imagined slights, or quite simply because he thinks it’s funny.  He rejects the idea that society even functions on a set of shared rules, and takes the absurdity of the system as grounds for refuting it’s existence entirely.  In this Phoenix becomes the pure nihilist Joker: the archetypal drifter-killer with no agenda and no reason to explain his madness and violence–just rage, insanity, and a freedom from ties to any sense of morality at all.  The degree to which this philosophy was brought to the character even on the level of acting cues can be seen in Phoenix’s tendency as Arthur Fleck to break into spontaneous and chaotic pseudo-dances at seemingly inappropriate or even random times–here, both the cause of the action and the action itself lack an internal logic by which to understand them.

     While claiming to be the ultimate embodiment of chaos, Ledger’s Joker could never truly live up to that epithet, because in attempting to use the contradictions of humanity’s purported civilization and societal rules to prove their own absurdity, he reifies their existence.  We see Ledger’s Joker engage in such behavior several times in The Dark Knight, for example in the scene where Ledger kidnaps the characters of Rachel and Harvey Dent, demanding that Batman make the terrible decision to save one and let the other die.  Ledger’s Joker believes that he has constructed an impossible situation in order to demonstrate to Batman that making value judgements of one human life against another are ultimately arbitrary, and that no matter the outcome the agent’s choice cannot, by human standards, be a moral action.  However in doing so he both acknowledges the role of the value of human life in public consciousness and seems to, by utilizing the contradictions of utilitarianism, reaffirm its salience.  On the opposite side of the equation, Phoenix’s Joker simply denies the existence of rules or governing moral principles altogether, and quite simply doesn’t care what anyone else thinks.

     Ledger’s Joker fails in his own nihilistic agenda by adopting an agenda in the first place.  By striving to win over others (namely Batman) to his point of view, he implicitly acknowledges that there exists a superior and objectively correct point of view: his.  Whereas in Joker, we see Arthur completely forgo any intentionally malicious scheming designed to manipulate humans into defying their own moral codes; he instead simply chooses to ignore their existence altogether, operating as he wishes when he wishes with no thought as to the decency or civility of his actions (though paradoxically he does blame the lack of civility in society for contributing to his crumbling psyche).  Arthur doesn’t try to convince anybody of anything, because ultimately he doesn’t think it matters.  The only person he ever even appears to “lecture” to, Murray, he kills at the conclusion of his speech!  This suggests that his entire ostensibly “rhetorical” outburst on the show was more of a twisted confession in search of or as a completion of his process of personal catharsis than any attempt to demonstrate to others the depravity of society.

     For these reasons I–personally–think that Joaquin Phoenix and Todd Phillips delivered a much scarier and much more existentially horrifying Joker than Ledger and Nolan ever did.  Ledger defied our understanding of right and wrong, but did so within a conventional framework, playing by the rules.  Arthur Fleck simply refuses to even admit the existence of a system in the first place, playing a game unbeholden to a rule system of any kind, lacking even the slightest veneer of an internal logic.  It is that which makes our blood run cold.

     Now there are those who would claim that Arthur Fleck isn’t a proper nihilist, and that he’s actually just a depraved psychopath with an ill-formed mind and the means to kill.  They would cite, for example, that almost all of his killings stem from personal slights against him: the boys who mocked him on the subway, his mother who did nothing to stop his father’s abusing him, Murray who mocked him on the show, Randall who tried to get him fired, etc.  I think the answer to this protest boils down to the fact that while those may be the primary “motives” for his violent acts, this logic fails to comment on how Arthur perceives the morality of his actions.  

     While you could argue that Arthur feels “justified” in his killings because of the wrongs these people have inflicted against him, the more correct answer lies elsewhere.  The impetus for his killing may very well be the instinctual feelings of indignation, rage, and hurt pride that accompany the pernicious acts of those around him, but he doesn’t view his killings as morally good.  He doesn’t even view them as justified: he just thinks they’re funny.  Consider the example of the drunk yuppie Wayne Enterprises boys that Arthur guns down on the subway.  In his interview with Murray, Arthur admits that he finds the boys’ deaths to be incredibly funny, and as a principle reason for the humor he cites this: the boys were mourned and wept over because they were affluent, because they were Wayne employees, because Thomas Wayne mourned them on the news.  But if it were Arthur that was gunned down on the sidewalk, he asks us to consider how many of us would simply walk right over him (a line written down in his journal right above the “cents” joke).  What he seems to find so overwhelmingly funny about this is that it’s a crystallization of the fact that humanity is all tied up in a grand, cosmic joke that, because he is removed from it, Arthur can find humor in.  The “joke”, in his eyes, is humanity’s use of moral codes as a way to define proper and improper manners of living.  He posits that if such moral codes did, in fact, exist then they would command those obedient to them to answer Arthur’s question by stating that they would mourn his death just the same as that of the rich boys.  But of course… this isn’t what happens.  And so Arthur laughs.  The parable of the drunk subway boys reveals humanity’s willingness to bend, break, and ignore morality when it is convenient for them to do so.  The irony here is that the inescapable conclusion to be drawn from this malleability of right and wrong is that there is no such thing.  But Arthur is the only one who can see this.  So in his final line of the film, he very simply responds to the psychiatrist’s request to hear his joke with the only answer he can give: “you wouldn’t get it”.

     Many critics have bashed Joker for coming off as meandering or even aimless, which I think is really a pointless criticism of a movie fundamentally about pointlessness.  If we judge a film as “good” only by its slavish narrative devotion to character-driven causality, then a character piece about a fundamental moral nihilist with no reasoning or motivation to define his actions by must necessarily appear to be a slow, meaningless, or even boring movie.  They claim that because Arthur seems to have an incoherent or rambling view of society which he is impotent to express–save for in the sad, impish ramblings of a madman masking profundity in a child’s vocabulary–the film lacks purpose and fails to take a definite stance on contemporary issues/state of affairs.  This argument is nonsensical, like trying to use a ruler to measure the passage of time: it’s a faulty metric.  The film, barring a few instances (everything with regards to the pharmaceutical industry and treatment of mental illness), on the whole isn’t trying to say anything about modern Western society: it’s a micro-level examination of how a man could come to completely abandon every moral tenet we hold dear, including belief in the existence of moral tenets at all.

     Finally, I’d like to make an interesting observation with regards to the motif of that one particular staircase that Arthur must climb to reach his apartment building.  At the opening of the film Arthur trudges his way up the staircase: it’s nighttime and the scene is lit with various cool, blue hues reflecting the depths of his depression and feelings of hopelessness.  As he struggles to reach the top of the stairs he clutches in his hand a bag of prescriptions, literally weighing him down.  What we’re presented with via this striking mise en scene is the portrait of a mentally ill man trying desperately to conform to the behavioral and emotional expectations of a society that was not designed for the mentally ill.  His medications, representative of his struggle to maintain a normal life, become the literal and emotional baggage that he must carry through his days.  As he writes in his journal: “the worst part about having a mental illness is that people expect you to behave as if you don’t”.  However, when Arthur finally completes his transformation and adopts the persona of the Joker, letting go of his desire to fit into a world that never had a place for him, opting to remove himself from its laws completely, we see him return to this very same staircase and his demeanor is completely changed.  This time it’s in the middle of the day: the sun is shining down brightly and warmly on Arthur–himself dressed in resplendent red, yellow, and orange hues–as he literally dances down the stairs, letting gravity do the work for him.  A literal, visual interpretation of Heath Ledger’s Joker’s claim that “madness is like gravity”.  This representation of insanity as a journey of mental emancipation is reflected in both The Dark Knight and the comic The Killing Joke, where in the latter the Joker specifically refers to insanity as: “the emergency exit on life… You can just step outside and close the door on all those dreadful things that happened”.  The Killing Joke Joker frames insanity as a letting go, as a liberation from the difficulties of life and an induction into a new, unrestricted way of living. This is exactly the transformation that Arthur undergoes throughout the course of Joker–living is no longer a chore…  it’s a dance.

The Butterfly Effect (Part 1)

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The Butterfly Effect (Undertale Fanfic - overall given a AO3 M rating) Prologue

+ sans x gender neutral reader (first person POV from reader)

+ 2701 words, english

+ fluff, explaining past experience; conflict with adapting to a new environment

+ takes place in the Underground; barrier is not broken

+ part of a series I’ve been passively writing, no idea when I’ll update. only have written the first two parts but have a vagueness of the whole story outlined

+ AO3 link

It wasn't a reality I ever expected for myself, but it was happening nonetheless. The very tip of a temperate finger, silky smooth without even the texture of a fingerprint to taint it, brushed against my cheek. A smile couldn't help but curl at the corner of my lips, mirroring the permanent, toothy smile plastered on the face across from me. A chuckle surfaced from the both of us the second I reacted to his motion; I leaned forward, pressing my forehead against his. The hand against my cheek slid to the back of my neck, the thin fingers fitting perfectly between the bumps of my spine, and pulled me just that little bit more forward to where the space between us was sealed, my lips pressed against his toothy grin. There were no opposing lips to lock mine to, but I no longer minded. That wasn't what mattered. Staying at his side, feeling the tender touch of his otherwise boney and rough fingers against my skin, and cuddling with his head cozily tucked under my chin as he held me close... Intimacy didn't have to be defined by following social norms.

But of course, leave it to me for being the one strange enough to date a skeleton monster before figuring this out. I guess some people just need to find out through extreme examples, myself apparently included.

Nevertheless, I didn't worry too much about it anymore. I used to be more self conscious about it, more hatefully self aware. But between him and his brother, not to mention their friends, I grew more accustomed to the idea of living with monsters no differently than I would any of my fellow human beings. Sure, it was a bit hard to stumble through this at first, but it's not like I was alone in adjusting to this new realization or lifestyle. I was alongside the monster friends I had made, who were adjusting to me living with them in this underground kingdom they called home.

I don't remember how I fell down here. It's been far too long by now. Maybe it was an attempted suicide? I'm not sure. My life outside of this place as a whole is just a blur, but I do remember I wasn't in a place of happiness. Angry about broken societal systems, feeling unable to adjust to the way the world was built just after I finally figured out how to work with my own self, and losing hope for the bright future I was once promised as a child. It would be no surprise if that's why I wanted to leave, why I came to the place where humans were rumored to never return from. And, frankly, I can see why. I don't want to leave this place. Here, I'm free of so many of my fears and worries. I'm free of hatred, debt, betrayal, and confinement. I could do and be how I wanted. The friends and family I've gained while living here are far closer to me than any of the humans I can even vaguely remember from on the Surface. But I didn't always feel this way; it took a certain skeleton to truly convince me to stay.

Until then, I'd been desperate to leave. Afraid of where I'd ended up. There was no one of familiarity around me -- not a single human being in sight for as far as I could see. Monsters of great variety were the only living creatures down here, ones that I couldn't have thought of even for the most obscure of fantasy novels. I was scared, despite the kindness I had received. My fear peaked when I met a murderous buttercup, but slowly began to dip when my life had been saved by a kindly woman with thick fur and the complexion of an anthropomorphic goat. But it never really went away until much farther down the line. Not even through many puzzles, dates, and playful japes did I even really teeter off the edge into security.

It had been blisteringly hot; used to the moderate temperatures from above, the volcanic heat of the lava pool city was not something I could handle well. With the lights of the bright resort coming into view is when I saw him waiting, his stained and tattered old jacket truly obvious amongst the glam and glitz of the Hollywood-like building behind him. His smile was the same as it always was -- while at that time, I hadn't known, but it was false, hiding a pain only he carried then. And yet, even then, when I saw it, the stress hanging in my heart was lifted for just a brief moment. He'd asked me back then if I wanted to get lunch with him, since he was on break. Having yet to develop any feelings, I agreed without much thought whatsoever. "Great, thanks for treating me," he had joked, earning a laugh from me.

We hadn't actually ordered anything. Rather, we just stood across from each other on opposite ends of one of the decorated tables, talking for quite a long time. He told me of the time where he started making jokes to a woman through the door to the Ruins, who I could only assume was none other than the woman who had helped me when I fell down here. But his tone had drifted off when he told this story; his eye contact was lost, that false smile ever so faltering to his thoughts. I hadn't even gotten the chance to ask what was wrong before he answered that question for himself. "Y'know, kid, what drives you to leave this place? You've already got so much down here... What else do'ya need other than some good friends, good food, and some bad laughs?"

I thought about it for a moment. I think he was going to brush aside the topic after my initial response of silence, but I had stopped him, interjecting with my own thoughts. "I don't know," I had answered truthfully. "I don't know what's driving me. I don't remember anything good from where I came from... All I know is that I'm scared, and I want to go back to where things are familiar."

He didn't know how to respond when I said that. That moment is probably the most shocked and unprepared for something I have ever seen him in my entire life. His smile's falseness revealed its truth, slipping away as he stared at me completely dumbfounded of the words that had fallen from my mouth. It was as if he had been hoping to hear someone say that for years. As if he had been begging for someone to answer his question. That broken false smile slowly turned itself into something more genuine as he continued our conversation. "C'mon, now. There's no reason to be scared. Sure, there's a lotta folks who keep ravin' about how your SOUL will free us, but at the same time, you don't have to step forward and tempt the king if you don't wanna." He had shrugged, hands still buried deep into his jacket pockets. "But, I'm not the one livin' your life. You do you. I ain't gonna tell you what you should or shouldn't do, not now."

I had let his words soak into my mind, deeply considering the suggestion he was ensuing. I couldn't help but wonder: what was normal life down here? I'd somehow managed, with my frail self-worth and lack of bravery, to befriend many of those who lived here. There was next to no one alive in the Underground who still wanted to hand my extracted SOUL to the king. With that knowledge, it clicked: it was safer for me here than it was anywhere else in this world. The moment this thought grazed my mind, I was already saying, "Do you know anywhere I could stay?"

I'd thought he was going to cry when I said that. I still don't know why it struck him the way it did, just my asking if he knew someone I could stay with. But regardless, he let me stay with him and his brother.

For a while, I lived on their couch. It wasn't particularly the most comfortable of living conditions -- the old, raggy, stained, and ripping couch was awful compared to my previous, yet very-below-average mattress -- but even so, the skeletons' cozy house eventually became my home. I even began calling it that only a few weeks into living here. Something about living here just clicked. Even when I woke up to aggravated yelling, one brother telling the other to get up and go to work, I couldn't help but just giggle and relax in the environment. They were a chaotic pair, those two, but they were inexplicably generous and beyond kind. I couldn't help but consider them as family in such short time. And, well, in the case of one... I couldn't help but fall in love.

I hadn't meant to. But that's always how it goes, isn't it? No one ever means to fall in love. At first, actually, I hated it. I hated myself for it. The mere sight of him made me paranoid. He became confused as to why I would suddenly reject every moment he was so much as in the same room as me, but I couldn't answer. How could I? I was still adapting to the life of merely living without the presence of humans -- my internal morals screamed at every turn that this was nothing but wrong and disgusting. No one wants to hear that about themselves. Not to mention, these monsters were still getting used to me, as well. To me, they were the weird ones, but to the greater society, I was the odd one out. The anomaly. Why should, by any means, should this guy accept my feelings, when there's thousands of people of his own kind surrounding him?

I hadn't meant to confess to him ever, truly. Had it not been for that one night where a dark dream swallowed my sanity whole, I don't think I would have ever said a word to him. But, as it is, no one ever chooses to have the dreams they do, either.

I had woken with a yelp and a jolt. The vague snowy light from the window above me still shimmered, despite the hour; adjusting to the time within an underground cave had been a bit of an interesting challenge. But I digress: at this point, such things no longer bothered me. Now, the only thing on my mind was a horrifying nightmare, one terrible fear looping its imagery before my internal eyes over and over again without fail. I hadn't wanted to go to him about this, but I was nearly weeping with fear. Had I been able to, I may have gone to his brother instead to talk to, but unfortunately, this was one of the many nights he opted against sleeping and instead decided to work overtime. I had no other choice, if I wanted to get this horror off my chest, than to speak to him directly.

I had taken a deep breath once I reached his door, my hand shakily gripping the handle. At this point, even though we had been living in the same house for over a month or so, I hadn't even been inside his room. I didn't know if I was welcome. That stress, on top of the fear cycling through my eyes, caused more and more tears to form. I refused to let them fall, wiping them against my shirt as I pushed through and opened the door, allowing myself in.

"Sans?"

The soft whisper of his name had left my lips, each sound struggling to hold together in a cohesive word. I had taken another step in, repeating his name, more softly the second time. The room had been pitch black, and there was barely even any sound to indicate someone might be living in there. Just when I had thought he was maybe too deep into his sleep to hear me, I had begun to turn around, only to register the sound of my name being sleepily strung together in a deep reply. Within that second alone, the dam holding back my tears broke loose; I hadn't wanted it to, but somehow, I had lost all control. I ran to the source of his voice, and without even so much as a thought or hesitation, threw my arms around his figure sitting at the edge of his mattress. He had laughed at first, until I let slip why I came to him in the first place.

"I'm so glad you're alive... I'm so glad I can hear your voice. I don't know what I would have done if that dream was real..."

His laughter fell silent. His body felt stiff in my grip, refusing to move or react for a very long time. Then, as if some instinct washed over him, his whole demeanor changed to hold me at his side and hush away my tears, assuring me he was alive and well with what seemed akin to the sound of desperation lacing his voice. His hands, however small and thin, were careful to caress me gently, reassuringly rubbing my back and softly stroking my hair. Such tender intimacy I had never felt before, and I wasn't so sure as to why I was feeling it now. The guilt of my feelings subsided for just a brief moment as I had nudged my nose into his collarbone.

"I love you, Sans. If you died... I don't know what I would do."

His actions didn't stop. Rather, the soft huff of a cheery chuckle was released as he pulled me closer, leaning in just next to my ear. "I love you, too," he whispered back to me. "Don't worry 'bout me dying on you. It won't happen. And I won't let you do go dyin' on me either, 'kay?"

I had laughed softly, joyfully accepting this response. After my tears began to cease, he still kept me close, and instead I fell asleep in his bed for the first time. In fact, from then onward, I never fell asleep on the couch again. Well, almost never.

His brother, while readily supporting us with open arms, couldn't bring himself to accept the idea of the two of us sharing a room for a fair amount of time. And just when he had started to grow accustomed to it, the two of us had to go and spoil it by... well, let's just say by being a bit too loud. His brother made me sleep on the couch that night. Needless to say, after that, anytime the two of us wanted to be a bit more intimate than usual, we didn't do it at home. Thankfully, his brother somehow wasn't concerned by us disappearing from the house every other night.

It took me, even still, quite a long time to adjust to the whole situation. It wasn't rainbows and sunshine after that. I still kept fighting myself against these feelings, despite being accepted and supported for the relationship I had involved myself in. That human societal morality still dug in my chest -- the society that I was no longer a part of. It was hard to convince myself that this was okay here. It was hard to convince myself that my actions were justified. It was hard to convince myself that everything was okay. It took a lot of bright smiles, soft cuddles, and genuine conversations to really allow myself to break through the old morals I no longer needed. It took me nearly six months to accept the fact that humans and monsters can live alongside each other without having to worry about their differences.

And now, I still remain here, right at his side. I could still feel the gentle touch of his fingertips against my skin as I drifted off to sleep by him for the thousandth time.

So I think you can imagine my fear when I woke up alone in a completely different house.

So, I guess I’m an agent of chaos now

I just watched Joker (2019) and, can I say, holy heck it was good. Spoilers to come. 

While watching it, I found myself comparing it to what I knew of the Joker from the comics and the animated series. The Joker is more force of nature than man; he has no rhyme or reason to what he does. He exists in Gotham, not to make a statement, but to put on an act. 

In that regard, I was sorely disappointed. This Joker had a name, he was Arthur Fleck. He had a job and family and, based on how often he got the piss taken out of him, plenty of reason to put on a mask and try to blow up parliament.

They even went the route of making him mentally ill so that his madness was not a conscious choice, as I’d always consider to be the Joker’s case.  

About halfway through, I decided to stop doing that and watch it as its own product. Not an adaptation, but a new origin. After doing that, I found that he started to hit a lot of the same beats that I’d originally expected.

Arthur Fleck, for one, checks most of the boxes for ‘societal trash’. He was poor, single, mentally ill and not incredibly attractive. He was largely inoffensive and not prone to violence or even self defence. He had no dreams of grandeur, he only wanted to get by and be happy doing so. Arthur was an entire demographic wrapped up in one neat package. He wasn’t a person, he was an archetype; a symbol. Until the turning point of his character, he was like all members of society that shared even one of his traits: a joke.

When Arthur kills the three boys on the subway, his symbology took off. A clown, a joke of society, was powerful enough to take out the creme de la creme. Of course people took this as a sign. They were jokes too and they could absolutely overthrow the bourgeoisie. Even better, they didn’t need to be ‘normal’ to do it.

The best part of the whole thing, and my main point, is that Arthur didn't care. He was a symbol and, like most symbols, didn't give a damn what he was used for. Arthur went through his life, picking up the scraps life tossed him, while, around him, Gotham churned and swirled with madness underneath a thin skin of normalcy.

My point thus far, to clarify, has been that Arthur is tied to society. His madness forced down to facilitate an air of ‘okay’ is mirrored by the Gotham citizens rearing to eat the rich, but resigning themselves to peaceful protest. In that vein, when Arthur snapped, so did Gotham. 

At no point did Arthur, now named Joker, decide to do anything about Gotham’s financial inequality problem. He kills several people in the film, all for personal gain. Three kids on the train for assaulting him, his mother for lying to him and facilitating his childhood abuse, a former coworker for aiding and almost being entirely responsible for him being fired and a talk show host for humiliating him on television. Joker only ever killed people he was angry or upset with. Likewise, the people of Gotham did the same. They rioted. They stole and destroyed and killed the people that they were upset with. 

Most of all, and my ultimate point about this Joker, is that the ideology was infectious. I found myself cackling alongside him. He wanted his own brand of chaos and I wanted mine. The citizens of Gotham wanted their chaos and my friend beside me wanted hers. We didn’t necessarily want the same thing and we didn’t have to, we were all a little Joker inside and Joaquin Phoenix’s performance inspired us all to act on that without ever committing and saying that it was the right thing. At it’s core, it isn't the right thing, but the Joker isn’t concerned with morality.

The best part was that he set the groundwork for the Spirit of the Joker. Arthur Fleck is not a very intelligent man. He’s not stupid, no, but he isn’t concoct-a-chemical-that-makes-you-die-laughing smart. And he isn’t evil. He isn't concerned with eating the rich or stabbing the poor and he certainly doesn’t care for money. But other people do.

By the end of this movie, I could see how every single iteration of the Joker could have been inspired by this one. How, after each one died, another took up the mantle. This first Joker, a reasonably aged man when Bruce Wayne was 10, is not necessarily the one who fights him in his career as the Batman. 

In conclusion, Joker was an amazing piece of cinema and proof that DC knows what its doing if it stops following in the shadow of Marvel.

On a side note, did anybody else notice that he had a lot of black women in his life? Like, damn.

The Hate U Give || Angie Thomas || 464 pages ------------------------------------------------------------ Top 3 Genres: Young Adult / Contemporary / Realistic Fiction

Synopsis: Sixteen-year-old Starr Carter moves between two worlds: the poor neighborhood where she lives and the fancy suburban prep school she attends. The uneasy balance between these worlds is shattered when Starr witnesses the fatal shooting of her childhood best friend Khalil at the hands of a police officer. Khalil was unarmed.

Soon afterward, his death is a national headline. Some are calling him a thug, maybe even a drug dealer and a gangbanger. Protesters are taking to the streets in Khalil’s name. Some cops and the local drug lord try to intimidate Starr and her family. What everyone wants to know is: what really went down that night? And the only person alive who can answer that is Starr.

But what Starr does—or does not—say could upend her community. It could also endanger her life.

Finished: March 26th, 2020.

Progress: 9 / 10. 90% complete.

My Rating: ★★★★★. [5/5]

My Review: [Under the read more - SPOILER FREE]

So I finished this last night, and I’m just as much at a loss for words now as I was at the time.

This book is a fucking masterpiece and perfection incarnate. I’m usually very anti-required reading, as that’s a real good way to ruin reading as a hobby, but THIS BOOK should be fundamental to every school and book group in America – perhaps even globally. It perfectly explains SUCH a drastically misunderstood issue and paints exactly WHY it’s so important and manages to touch on all of the nuances of police brutality and – ugh, it’s SO POWERFUL and SO GOOD.

To the point where the only reason I will accept dislike of this book is if it’s for technical or stylistic reasons – like not liking the writing style, or not liking characters. And even so, given the nature of the writing and the characters and WHY they are like they are, I’m giving serious stank eye to anyone who thinks those kinds of things, as well.

I actually scrolled through my Goodreads friend reviews of this book immediately upon finishing it and got rid of anyone who disliked the book for any pro-police reasons (Still! Yes! They exist, even AFTER reading this!). That’s how fundamentally important this book is. Liking or disliking it isn’t a matter of difference in opinion – it’s a difference in morality. Do black lives matter, or do they not? That’s not even a question. And if you disagree, we are morally incompatible and you don’t belong in my life in any capacity.

There is SO MUCH about this book that I love, and SO MUCH that is done right. I need to admit my personal favorites: Starr’s mirroring of that photograph from Ferguson, picking up the tear gas the cops threw at her, throwing it back, and a picture of it getting captured mid-throw; and the course of Starr’s relationship with Hailey. Ultimately: FUCK Hailey. But her character is so important – it illustrates the attitude most white people have towards racism, and HONESTLY, the fact that she was pro-feminist, but EXTREMELY racist, makes her all the more infuriating. That, ladies and gentleman, is a perfect example of what we call White Feminism! And an extreme example at that – not only does Hailey disregard issues that may apply to anyone other than white women, she actively contributes to those issues every single time she opens her mouth about race. And I shudder to think what she thinks about any OTHER kind of minority lol.

I also love that the only two real white characters in the story are Chris, and Hailey – polar opposites, and great representations of the two kinds of white people you’ll find concerning racism. There’s.. well, there’s Hailey, the walking garbage can who I hope dies alone, and there’s Chris, the aspiring ally, who’s not perfect, makes mistakes, and still has many things to learn, but is actively pursuing learning them and admitting when he’s wrong. (Also – how rich Chris’s family is low-key pisses me off for entirely different reasons LOL.)

I truly don’t know what else I can say, other than recommend this book at the top of my lungs and with a great deal of force to pretty much every single person in this country – particularly every single white person. I know I want to throw it in the face – like literally throw it – of anyone who still tries to spout “all lives matter” or, even worse, “blue lives matter,” and then pick it up, and throw it at their face again, and again, until their nose breaks.

There’s nothing I can say that will do any kind of eloquent justice to the majesty and importance that is this book. Although, I should at least try to sum it up, and put into words exactly WHAT was done so well. Normally, my brain fails me utterly here, but for this book in particular, I won’t let it.

I do know it perfectly captured the experience of growing up black, poor, and in a gang-infested neighborhood (at least, to my knowledge). I know it illustrated the difference between good cops and bad cops, and how no one should be picking apart “fuck the police,” because if you’re a true ally you know DAMN WELL that doesn’t apply to the good people. I know it FLAWLESSLY illustrated the difference between a riot and a peaceful, but obstructive protest, and it made me want to get out there and scream my anger into a megaphone and find some way to become a better activist – even if there aren’t many opportunities to do so in my area. I know it somehow managed to capture many, many microaggressions directed towards black people, and therefore explained exactly how frustrating and infuriating they can be, even if one individual act was “little.” I know it did a great job of illustrating the difference between jokes the oppressed use against the oppressor, as coping methods, and jokes the oppressor use against the oppressed, which are never not inherently shitty and dangerous. And I deeply, deeply enjoy how often “your life matters” was stated – never once was Black Lives Matter explicitly named, but you know damn well that’s what they’re referring to.

Oh, man. And that list of names of victims of police brutality at the end gave me chills.

Ultimately, I don’t have much problem saying that if you don’t like this book, you’re racist. Much in the same way that voting for and supporting Trump automatically makes you racist, or toting a US flag with a thin blue line or a Confederate flag automatically makes you racist. Or spouting “all lives matter.” Or honestly believing preventing police brutality has ANYTHING to do with “complying with orders” or “taking responsibility for your actions.”

If that displeases you, die mad about it.

And be happy I’m not throwing this book at your face until your nose breaks right now.

To everyone else – I won’t throw the book at you lol. But it is just as important that you read it. This is FUNDAMENTAL to understanding societal issues, and understanding societal issues is fundamental to being a responsible member of society.

If more people understood these issues with any kind of empathy, the world would be a much better place – to ALL who live in it. Not just those who were lucky enough to be born white.

And this book is a perfect stepping stone to beginning to understand racism, police brutality, and why Black Lives Matter is so crucial, as a movement and as a belief.

So, if you haven’t yet – even if you think you already understand BLM – READ IT. Your functionality as a human being depends on it.

things about my interpretation of tony stark. updated june 07, 2020.

here’s my exhaustive explanation for how i am not canon-compliant with the events and characterization of the mcu.

the reason for this is… well, there are several reasons, but i don’t want to stir shit up or just, in general, stomp on anyone else’s love for the mcu. and don’t get me wrong— i do love the mcu! but there are parts i’m critical of for personal reason, as we all have opinions on certain things. bc, yeah, you can love something, or someone, and still be logically critical about it or them.

anyway, here’s where my interpretation differs…

as per stated on my rules: i take inspiration for tony from multiple sources, including the mcu, marvel comics, the television show: avengers assemble, and my own personal headcanons. TONY IS ALSO ASIAN (SPECIFICALLY CHINESE) AMERICAN!!

i will admit that saying this isn’t particularly helpful if people don’t know, specifically, where i differ in terms of my interpretation of our dumbass genius. some of this info is scattered about on my blog, but here, it’s all consolidated into one post.

chen kun is my face claim, and i do use stuff from tony’s story from the mcu as a base. however, there are events and moments from the movies, that i selectively ignore due to personal preference; and then i build on top of my foundation with ideas, themes, and/or events from other sources such as the aforementioned sources listed above.

throwing this all under a read more because, like i said: exhaustive list. very. very. very fucking long. i’m serious– read at your own risk.

howard stark was an extremely abusive and absent father for all of tony’s childhood; tony did actively seek attention and approval from howard because he was rather aware of how famous he was and wanted the acceptance and validation from his dad; there wasn’t much shown in the mcu regarding his relationship with his father, but my inspiration for his father-son relationship comes from the comics;

an example of his verbal abuse: “you don’t want to be a sissy, now do you? stark men are made of iron!” (Iron Man, 1968);

an example of early exposure to alcohol: at age five, howard forced a drink into tony’s hand (which he did drink), stating that it would teach him “to be a man,” and that it’d “put hair on your chest” (Iron Man, 1968);

yes, this means that tony ‘forgiving’ howard in endgame is completely chucked out the window;

tony loses his parents the night of december 16, 1996 (not 12/16/1991), at the age of seventeen;

jarvis, the family butler, was more of a father to tony than howard ever was, and yes, this is why he names his first fully-functioning AI system jarvis;

tony was close with his mother, maria; she was his safehouse, and she taught him to be gentle and loving, and she also taught him the piano, which tony still periodically practices during his own time in private. in an avengers assemble episode, there is a piano in the tower that tony protects twice, which i reckon is because it has connections to his past with maria;

tony ain’t an old grandpa. i don’t see him being older than, like, 35–40 in the present time for my writing (chen kun is 44). this comes from comic and avengers assemble inspiration, which has been fairly ambiguous since they never mention his age. for plotting purposes in the mcu though, yes, he can be like 42–52 if needed.

tony is, by default, single unless otherwise stated. the reason for this is simply because i’m not big on tony / pepper in the mcu, and it’s not because i don’t like pepper (i love her as a character as an individual), but i just saw that the way they were written (so, this, yes, blames the mcu writers) was completely trash; they sort of redeemed it in endgame, but... in general, they had a lot of potential but then some writing choices pretty much ruined the ship for me;

this means that morgan does not exist unless otherwise specified and discussed, though i do enjoy the concert of tony being a dad to his own kid and breaking that cycle of howard’s shitty parenting;

i’m going to be as honest and transparent as i can: i do, for certain, love writing stevetony. they’re my primary ship. not simply in mcu dynamics, but from the comics and avengers assemble. however, like some can attest to, i will never force a ship on anyone. if you express no interest in them romantically? that’s fine. we can write them simply as good friends and comrades. i won’t stop writing or plotting with you if you don’t like them in a romantic dynamic. if you do like it that way? cool. i know it might be intimidating to discuss this given i look like complete trash for them, but i never choose who i will/will not write with based on whether we ship or not;

tony, publicly, hints toward being bisexual and biromantic a lot of the time as he’ll practically flirt with anyone at all times, but he never really openly admits it due to his oh-so ancient internalized homophobia (thank you for that one, howard and societal expectations of the time);

justin hammer is a long time rival in the industry, and often meddles with tony and his work all the time. it’s nothing new. the lack of foundation established in IM2 doesn’t provide much insight into their relationship. long story short (taken from avengers assemble): hammer is a punk bitch who’s jealous and tony is tired of him and will gladly beat his ass any day of the week whenever he drives a tank into his front door (which happens more often than not).

tony is fantastic with children. he loves getting to interact with children because he knows how excited they are to see him and/or iron man (seen in both the mcu and in the comics). this type of attention he’s okay about. if he can inspire children to do good things and be good people and be heroes in their own right, then he’s doing his job;

tony fosters the intelligence and dreams of bright individuals all the time by offering scholarships for high school graduates and post-secondary students, and also provides internship opportunities (equal opportunities regardless of race, sex, gender, religion, disability status, age, etc.)

we only see this occur with peter and harley in the mcu, but there are other kids— like riri williams! tony sees these kids for the bright minds that they have and he wants to help them and keep them safe as he knows these are the brains of the future.

let me run over iron man 3. like i said, i ignore some shit from the movies. tony doesn’t initiate the clean slate protocol, he doesn’t throw the arc reactor into the ocean, and he doesn’t remove the arc reactor from his chest. he will get surgery to get the shrapnel removed because if i were the follow the pain that comes with the comics, tony would literally be always on the verge of death at all times, requiring a chest plate to be recharged constantly to make sure the shrapnel doesn’t get closer– see? that’s a lot and i’m... lazy.

the reason for those choices are simple: clean slate protocol undoes his character progression;

the arc reactor is just a part of him as a person, stands as his heart;

avengers movie nights, (video/board) game nights, and training days exist and you will never be able to pry that out of my hands. tony always shows up fashionably late with coffee and pays for when shit gets broken by thor. team building exercises exist plenty within avengers assemble, including the fact that they share chores and decides who gets to do the next load of laundry from whoever chooses the short stick from the bunch.

tony has had anxiety and depression since he was a child. it just didn’t really flare up and get identified as a real, tangible mess of emotions and thoughts until he’d been kidnapped (and nearly died, at that). it got worse when he failed to address it until after IM3. into the present-day, tony deals with anxiety, depression, and PTSD all the time, but has improved (…sort of) when it comes to handling all of it, and certainly has grown to recognize similar symptoms in the people he cares about;

on another hand, tony has displayed symptoms of ADHD, but it’s not officially diagnosed, and some of these symptoms include, but are not limited to: hyperactivity (staying awake for days on end) and hyperfocus (hyper-focus on work), distractible (easily distracted when he’s not focused on something), rambling (talks a lot and often makes rather intuitive connections due to how busy his brain functions), impulsivity and recklessness (self explanatory), constant need to move around and/or do something (in meetings, he will be moving somehow, whether it’s tapping fingers or feet, or shifting around in his seat);

there are days where he feels inferior due to how human he knows he is (in comparison to most of his team), and other days, he feels as though he’s more machine than he is man. these feelings fluctuate depending on how he’s doing with his mental health, and/or if he hears and/or sees anything about him that points toward either idea;

there is always overwhelming guilt for those he can’t keep safe or people that die; tony doesn’t like to kill anybody (unless it’s robots, because… they’re robots, not human lives); though, if pushed far enough with no other choice, he will throw conventional morality out the window for the sake of protecting all that he believes to be for the good of the world;

tony isn’t jacked. he isn’t captain america fit, but he isn’t particularly thin, either. his body is sort of like a runner’s build (for visuals, refer to valerio schiti’s comic art of tony). i interpret tony’s body as a slight bit slimmer. he exercises, and being in the suit also is its own form of exercise. god forbid we discuss his eating habits, though. and–– he also isn’t short short, but he isn’t tall, either. he sits at 5’10”, which might be a little below the average male, but that’s about it.

speaking of eating habits, simply put: tony can’t cook for shit and that’s it. he’ll try to cook for his significant others’ on the occasion, but he can’t be blamed if he burns everything.

tony isn’t ‘woke’ or perfect, as it’s imperative to remember he grew up as rich and with financial and some social class privilege (since he was rich), despite the abuse and harassment he experienced during his youth. it’s taken him time to recognize this, and he realizes it really doesn’t cost anything to be a better person, which is why he tries to be better when it comes to his tone of voice when discussing certain topics he has no authority to be speaking of, and by taking action with simple manual labour when it comes to chores (so he doesn’t hire other people to do shit for him). he also knows he can’t be a man of ‘all bark and no bite’ when it comes to supporting people and causes, hence why he actively advocates for female and youth empowerment through both words and actions.

in regards to ca:cw events, i would prefer to ignore them. for specific-plotting purposes, this can be dropped, but i prefer the events of avengers assemble when it comes to ‘civil war’. it’s actually really simple:

tony was not honest about his intentions with the team regarding a robot that was initially made for him by howard, which ended up with an ultron reboot that nearly risked loads of civilian lives and the team’s lives;

steve confronted tony about it when they returned back to avengers tower. with tony’s insistence that everything was now fine, steve decided to resign due to tony’s dishonesty and lack of trust in the team;

this splits the team in half, where steve takes— well, they decided to leave since they didn't like tony's lack of honesty— natasha, the hulk, and the falcon to work under SHIELD as the ‘secret avengers,’ and tony, clint, and thor remain as leftover avengers (later with the addition of ant-man and temporarily, spider-man, in some missions);

in the end, they all join back together after learning to appreciate their differences and reconciling under the fact that there wouldn’t be any more secrets that could risk the world, and the team’s safety;

if i am to follow the events of the mcu— between ca:cw and infinity war, he develops nanotech for his armour, which is embedded into his very skin to accommodate for nanobots, which interacts via neural transmissions (visuals here);

tony recognizes that he lost his temper and let his emotions get to him in the moment, which fucked up shit that could’ve been talked through and fixed;

tony is an alcoholic. he recognizes that he always will be, though he’s always working toward sobriety. he certainly relapses every so often when things are rough and he feels as if he has no other options, but he’s aware that relapsing is part of the process of recovery. he has attended AA meetings (alcoholics anonymous), and has been AA sponsors for people in the past;

to skim through the events of infinity war and endgame should these be part of the things you’re curious about (this is getting really long and i’m sure you’re tired of reading this—how have you gotten this far?):

after returning from space, tony took a few months (~ five) to recover from those three months of malnutrition, dehydration, and the wound of thanos’ stab. tony sealed the front of his injury, but he sure as hell wasn’t seen dealing with the back end. during this time, he’s able to regain some muscle mass;

he lives on his own, retreating to the cabin to escape from the responsibilities of being a fallen hero who ultimately failed the people he was supposed to protect.

during the five year gap, he keeps in contact with the other avengers, but very rarely. they’re the only ones who know where he lives;

like i said— tony does not say any of that forgiving bullcrap to howard. victims of abuse don’t have to forgive their abuser, parent or not. let’s just imagine the entire interaction didn’t happen at all;

tony doesn’t die;

he used the infinity stones; but, to maintain consistency with what the mcu established w/ thanos: he sustained significant damage to his right arm, up to the shoulder and neck. it’s gravely scarred. the overall function of that arm also diminished greatly. vision out of his right eye is not as sharp as it once was, either;

a year of recovery and physiotherapy later, tony decides to amputate and go for a prosthetic. he works with shuri and wakandan tech to build an arm;

despite the end of the looming, world-ending thread, tony still battles resurfacing trauma. not every day is happy, but he is working toward recovery. there are days he doesn’t remember chunks of what happened due to the power of the infinity stones; sometimes, he doesn’t even want to remember it, anyway;

tony retires. sort of. for the most part. if the world really needs iron man, he’ll be there;

tony may have handed CEO-ship to pepper, but he still handles a lot of work for stark industries, and that’s what he primarily does post-endgame.

the multiverse and realm-traveling happens a-fucking-lot 

im remaking my punchline cringepost as a headcanon cringepost instead

disclaimer that i absolutely do not actually deeply align myself with punchline. i just think it would be interesting if she were asian because i am an asian person who grew up in a household where i developed some problems under the surface, so i could understand how someone under similar but worse conditions could end up like she does 

i looked more into her race and while a lot of people think she could be asian, i havent been able to find any conclusive statements abt her ethnicity! so i am taking east asian punchline and running with her. i like the idea of her being asian so if its not necessarily canon its still my headcanon for her for reasons in the post

i like the origin story for her character bc it feels like theyre trying to create someone who wants to free themselves of any and all expectations and cares, and is achieving this by becoming the only kind of person not bound to morals or even any conventional norms at all? i think if they use that momentum she has the potential to be a really interesting character and villain

to me its interesting to look at how she might have developed the mindset of “Total Freedom(tm) regardless of how it affects others” from family and societal influences if she were an asian woman. being taught to be considerate of others and to be convenient to the point where she had to devalue herself could result in her becoming spiteful against the system itself and everyone in it!

yeah but dont get me wrong this hc is... on thin ice even to me, bc i think she could easily fall into the submissive asian woman stereotype because of how much she wants the joker’s approval and yknow, is his gf/partner or whatever which would not be the rep and character depth i want BUT it could also make her feel more human? but also hes literally extremely evil and supposed to be one of the worst villains and shes just working for him or something. so realistically i should just go stan a better asian character

tldr i think how theyre shaping her is cool and could intersect well with aspects of asian culture and parenting so i hc her as east asian but shes obviously highly problematic for so many reasons so is this really the rep i want! 

My biggest fear is living a mediocre life. Forcing myself into a brainless routine and making up excuses instead of taking the life that I want to have.  honestly, i'd say about ninety percent of the people around you are going to settle. Be mediocre. Live the life that people around them wanted them to have. Live the life that everyone else has.  if i want my life to amount to one thing, i want to show the world that you can have the life that you want. all you have to do is fucking take it. will yourself to get up, and jump. take that drop.  i dont think people really get it. everyone tells you that what you want in life is on the other side of fear, and the walls are paper thin. its true. but nobody gets it. its like we hear it and we say it and we try to live by it but we're glassy eyed and we cant really see.  i want the world to open up their eyes. you're missing out on so much. i dont think people truly understands what it means to not settle. i dont think people truly get that they can have anything they want in life if they would just take it. all you have to do is take it. but nobody gets what does that even mean.  it means , you do the things that scare you. you do things without good reason, without a solid plan sometimes, and you do things that most people only let live in their dreams.  im not telling you to become a genius and change the world. this isnt about that.  im talking about marrying whoever the fuck you want. dropping everything and moving to bali and starting over from scratch. quitting your job and scraping by just to chase your passion. getting up, and moving. traveling alone. whatever the fuck it is that you want to do, big or small, if you ever make up an excuse as to why you can't , stop yourself, and just fucking do it.  everyone is forced into this mediocracy where they life pre cut , factory made lives, and then they go on instagram and spend all their time consuming content from people doing the shit that they wish they could be doing. i wish i had that life. i wish i was living there. you follow these people because they are the dream. their lives seem awesome. why dont you have that life for yourself? because you made up excuses. i cant just get up and move. i cant quit my job. i cant just live on the run, how will i make money? move to bali and just live?  i dont know anyone whos ever done that and it sounds insane and impossible.  and thats why, at the end of the day, youre sitting behind your computer screen following these people for their life instead of taking that life for yourself.  what is the difference between you and them? nothing. they just took it. they got up, and took what they wanted.  were all living in these glass cages that our heads and our societies boxed us into. youre chained to the ground and you cant even feel it because you never got the chance to know what it felt like to be without that weight. you never realized you were in a cage because it was so convincing and almost invisible. but its chained you up your entire life, and everyone else around you. tell me, what is the most daring thing anyone you know is doing?  they went to europe last summer? they travel somewhere cliche and predictable from time to time? they take instagrammable pictures and caption them with stupid ass captions like 'wanderlust' or 'travel feeds the soul'. they all go on their small vacations and say oh i wish i could live here and they sit and stare at the residents of that gorgeous town and wonder what their lives are like.  they wish they could go to these places more than a week out of an entire year.  tell me when the fuck was the last time you met someone who travelled all the fucking time? quit their job and moved to a different country because that was their dream? quit their job and started a business in a new place? nobody. its too comfortable to be at home. you cant just quit and move? what are you talking about?  but heres the thing. you can. what the fuck is stopping you besides your mind and your fear? you wont find a job? its too far? you dont know anyone there? fine. go and come back. go and decide its not working anymore. go and start a business. go and take a weird job. go and be alone. go and come back home when you miss it too much.  just do it. take it. this wall youve boxed yourself into is just an illusion. the key, is you have to recognize that, and all of a sudden everything just melts away. when was the last time you met someone who spent time in the outdoors every weekend? who wasnt a tourist in the wilderness anymore? everybody i know who is an outdoorsy person goes once every few months, for a weekend. once a year maybe. its my annual camping trip. the rest of my year i do nothing. but they post about it and their instagram feed looks like such an adventurous lifestyle. but who do you know that does that on a regular basis? who do you really know that dared enough to make the wilderness their backyard. to live in the outdoors and work on the side. we all slave away. we work for someone else, and we live our lifes on the side. we stay at home and watch tv on the weekends. run errands. do nothing.  but seriously, why dont you camp once a month? why dont you hike all the damn time? why dont you go to the ocean more than a few times a year? its too much driving. i dont have time. gas. its far. im busy. other than that, you dont know. you say you will, but you never do.  everything in this world is up for the taking and you just have to break your mind apart and see, just see, its there, its in arms reach, just take it.  marry whoever the fuck you want to marry. dont try to find someone normal. someone your community would marry. someone your parents would want you to marry. ethnicity does not fucking matter. societal constructs do not fucking matter. compatibility, core morals, god. its all that matters. if you line up, go take it. marry them. to hell with what the world does with you.  to hell with culture. and norms. fuck it all. take it and shove it up somebody's ass. take a bomb and drop it on your whole life and break it to shreds, it does not fucking matter. dont ever let anyone try to make you live the life they want you to live. live your life the way you want. only you.

Congratulations Akanksha, you have been accepted for the role of Bellatrix Black!

Her gaze flicked towards the interviewer, and the thin veneer of a post wave feminist boss slid over her skin “— I think it’s really important for me to be seen in this position. It’s rather odd that the fashion industry is catered towards women and yet most executives, and even designers, in the top fashion houses are…men.”

Admin Ash: Akanksha, I absolutely adored that Bellatrix was the feminist force of nature that the fashion world wasn’t ready for but she forced them to accept. You said that Bellatrix was a woman better suited to battle, wearing her skin like armor and possessing the keen readiness to obliterate obstacles in her path in whatever form they took. And as you go through the stages of her life, you can see that she’s in a consistent fight, grappling with numerous battles -- with her mother to take on less upper-class societal norms, with her father to be taken seriously as a business woman, with her volatile nature as it needed to be subdued without the proper outlet to put it. But now that the Death Eaters have given her that outlet, I’m beyond ready to see Bellatrix tap into her nastier self. 

Please check out our checklist for joining Penumbra. 

01. Out of Character

NAME: Akanksha

AGE: 23

YOUR BIRTHDAY: 10/31/1995

PRONOUNS: she/her/hers

TIMEZONE: EST

02. In Character

CHARACTER: Bellatrix Black

CHARACTER’S PRONOUNS: she/her/hers

FACECLAIM: Crystal Reed

CHARACTER’S BIRTHDAY: April 14th, 1988

PERSONALITY:

(+) EFFICIENT – Electricity followed the path of least resistance and Bellatrix was the same way; she saw her solutions in straight lines. Obstacles were removed not circumvented. In the business world, this garnered her praise – she had an uncanny ability to cut through bureaucratic paperwork. In the other matters, this trait was especially welcome. Deliveries were made quickly and discreetly. And those who interfered were eliminated at once, with little time spent contemplating the morality of it all.

(+) INTELLIGENT – Perhaps if knowledge wasn’t such a means to an end, she would have spent more time in academia. Nonetheless, Bellatrix actively sought to learn more, to know more. From languages to stocks, she kept an attentive eye on new trends. Developing a vast and in-depth repertoire of skills was what kept her far and ahead from anyone else, and she aimed to keep it that way.

(+) PROTECTIVE – Bellatrix protected what was hers. She’d learned at the foot of her father, strict but unhesitating when crushing those who would do his family harm. Those outside her family must work much harder to be considered one of hers. But once they’ve earned their place in her shadow, she will do whatever necessary to protect them and more often than not, their mistakes.

(-) VOLATILE – Bellatrix has always struggled to hide what she’s felt. This issue is greatly compounded by her mercurial nature. She went from calm to furious in a breath, and settled just as quickly. This made her rather unpredictable; some days she’d let a mistake pass and others she’d use it as an excuse to indulge in her more violent tendencies.

(-) CRUEL — Perhaps the most offensive aspect of Bellatrix was her particular brand of violence. She didn’t simply eliminate her obstacles, she obliterated them. For any perceived slight, her retaliation was ten-fold. She was quite simply mean, and rarely for good reason. Bellatrix enjoyed being cruel; it slaked some tormented creature inside her that she’d never been able to articulate.

(-) DOGMATIC — At the end of the day, you were either with her or against her, and she would interact with you accordingly. No one could truly be neutral in Bellatrix’s eyes. Her black and white worldview fed into her narcissistic notion that only she knew best. The only complicated relationships she had were those with her sisters; the differences between them were obvious, but there were striking similarities as well. Beyond them, Bellatrix didn’t allow herself the murkiness of gray areas.

BRIEF BULLET POINT BIO:

NAME – Bellatrix was born in the middle of a thunderstorm, screaming from birth. They named her for a constellation, as the Blacks had always done. They named her for a warrior, and it meant something when the Black family gave their daughter a title like that. Bellatrix was born with turmoil inside her, one that would haunt her for the rest of her life. Her skin would always feel stretched tight, like armor, and the first time her mother dressed her up for fun, make-up making a little girl seem older, she knew that femininity would only ever be war paint for her.

MIRROR – It wasn’t that she didn’t want to be a girl. She had no problem with her body, the budding curves, the slimmer face. It was all the expectations that came along with it. She fought her mother because she didn’t want to wear dresses. She fought her father because she wanted to be involved in the family business, not married off. She fought her sisters because maybe if Andromeda stopped being so difficult, maybe if Narcissa stopped being so perfect, maybe then her parents would turn their attention away and she could finally breathe. She wanted to shriek so loud her mirror would crack, and maybe then the jagged reflection would look more right to her than the dark haired, red lipped princess who stared back.

ACADEMIA – She somehow scored the highest marks in her class but very nearly didn’t graduate from secondary school due to the sheer number of transgressions. Her father’s lethal charm, both carrot and stick at once, ensured her graduation and there was something in his eye that told her he was proud of her. On the cusp of adulthood, she finally managed to prove to her father that her mind, her hands were worth far more at House of Black than as a negotiating piece. Bellatrix studied the right courses, spent her summers interning at the fashion house, and graduated from the Slytherin School of Social Science poised to take over.

CAREER – The moment she was initiated into the Death Eaters, the clawing, hungry thing inside her settled. Or rather, it was appeased with the promise of danger, with the deadly games and trades, with the scent of blood. Executive Director of House of Black itched less when it was meant to be a cover and not her reality. She did her job well, better even, once she had an outlet for the tendencies that made her blood simmer beneath her skin until she burned from the inside. For that had always been the struggle of a starry warrior – Bellatrix was fearless and bright, but she was at her best in battle.

OPINION – While Bellatrix appreciated the privileges associated with The Sacred 28, the gendered aspects of the culture grated on her. Being raised in that culture allowed her to slip in, seemingly one of them, but her family always knew better. Only the youngest Black had thrived in those spaces. She preferred The Death Eaters mostly because it was the first place she had been able to be her complete self. For the first time, she hadn’t had to shave off the distasteful pieces of herself to be seen as appropriate. The Death Eaters had provided her a true sanctuary, and Bellatrix would be damned before she let some upstart activists ruin that.

INTERVIEW:

i. How do you feel about your current occupation?

— Bellatrix didn’t bother smiling; she hadn’t been pleased about the interview in the first place. In fact, she distinctly remembered telling her youngest sister that as Marketing Director, Bellatrix expected Cissy to head off any and all journalists. She didn’t have the time or, quite frankly, the temperament. “I enjoy my work, if that’s what you’re asking,” she said, dark eyes still focused on the contract she was reviewing. “It’s a very high energy environment, which suits me particularly well. And—“ her gaze flicked towards the interviewer, and the thin veneer of a post wave feminist boss slid over her skin “— I think it’s really important for me to be seen in this position. It’s rather odd that the fashion industry is catered towards women and yet most executives, and even designers, in the top fashion houses are…men.” Her nose wrinkled in distaste. “There’s legacy and family here, yes, but House of Black continues to be trendsetting in more ways than fashion, and for that simple reason I could never consider a position anywhere else. I love this company and my job.” She smiled then, more bared teeth than grin — she’d never been able to truly hide the predator in her — and the unspoken for now became clear.

ii. What song would you say describes yourself?

— Bellatrix tilted her head in consideration. Lips curving into a smile that was relatively softer, more knife edge than blatant fangs, she turned back to her computer. Neatly manicured nails (she never bothered with fancy colors sticking to nude or black) tapped her keyboard with ease and accuracy. A click, and a thrumming beat began to fill the office followed by a rich female voice. We wear red so they don’t see us bleed… “Trouble by Valerie Broussard.” She didn’t offer any further explanation.

iii. Does reputation matter to you?

— She leaned back, chair tilting and arms folded across her torso. There was a quickness to her movements, something a little faster, slicker than Narcissa’s stunning grace or Andromeda’s serene gentleness. “Of course it matters, how could it not – businesses are built on reputations; but deals only come through when you have the knowledge, the skill, the competence to back your reputation.” She observes the interviewer for a moment. “I know I match up to my reputation.” Her quick up-and-down gaze seals her assessment and the interviewer can sense her judgement easily; they don’t even have a reputation, none that she’s heard of, so she doubted they had the competency either.

iv. What is your relationship with your parents like?

— It was the first time in the interview that Bellatrix was caught off guard. Everything in her felt jagged for a moment – being off-tilt was uncomfortable for a woman who prided herself on her preparation. But she was a Black. So Bellatrix straightened her spine, shoulders back, chin up, dark eyes even. “I suspect you’re asking due to the nepotism here.” She didn’t mince words, or care to lie. “Family always comes first; that’s how I was raised. My relationship with my parents is complicated and definitely improved once it became a more adult relationship, like anyone else. But I also know, that they will always have my back, and I will always have theirs.” A more honest answer would have been too nuanced for her to articulate to someone who knew her well, let alone an absolute stranger. Her family had been both cage and sanctuary, and her parents had always held the keys to the lock.

v. What languages can you speak?

— Unlike Andromeda, who only spoke a few languages because she didn’t study them further, unlike Narcissa, who pretended she only knew a couple, Bellatrix boasted her five languages with an arched brow and a smug tilt of her chin. “French, Italian, Russian, Japanese,” she listed, each word emphasized with another pointed finger. She added her thumb and gave a cheeky wave. “And of course, English.” There were a few more she could fumble her way through, strictly for business needs, but Bellatrix wasn’t the sort of woman to advertise in which ways she was mediocre. She was the best because to her, there was no other way to be.

vi. If your home was on fire and you could only save one item, what would you choose?

— The question felt rather silly to Bellatrix. She didn’t feel attachment to items, her loyalty was to her family. And even then, the material objects that mattered to her most was almost always kept close to her. “My work bag,” she answered with an artless shrug, angled to gesture the sleek black leather bag. “I keep my laptop, wallet and phone in it – in this digital age, my most valued possessions are all kept safe in cloud storage.” Besides, family heirlooms were more her sisters’ realm.

vii. Which Hogwarts University faculty did you study at? The Gryffindor School of Applied Science, the Ravenclaw School of Humanities, the Slytherin School of Social Science, or the Hufflepuff School of Art?

– Her patience was beginning to thin, each inane question causing her jaw to set. “I believe this is information you can find with a quick search,” her voice was dangerously saccharine, and the nervous stutter she received in response pleased her. “This time, I’ll save you the work.” Don’t let there be a next time, she said, not through words, but through the hardness of her gaze, the line of her neck the slope of her nose. “I completed an accelerated course of study to graduate with both my undergrad and master’s in International Commerce. From Slytherin.” What a quick search wouldn’t tell the interviewer was that in those five years, she very nearly also completed an Industrial Operations Engineering degree from Gryffindor. She’d liked applied sciences well enough, but not enough to fight her father on it.

vix. What is your social media username?

— “Another thing you can easily search, so this time I’ll let you handle it,” Bellatrix responded dismissively. “If you have any other questions, please email my assistant. Had I known what a waste of time this would be, I would have had you do that in the first place.” Her voice was cool and matter-of-fact, and before the interviewer had even stood, Bellatrix had turned back to her work. Fortunately for the interviewer, her username was easily found on her business card;@BellatrixBlack printed in neat font above icons for Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. It was clear upon further research that Bellatrix didn’t run her social media – they were highly curated business accounts. And no amount of research would reveal her extremely private personal tag that she only used for Snapchat & FlooNet: @bellatrixie.