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phanfictioncatalogue · 7 months

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(TW) Heavy Angst With A Happy Ending Masterlist

before/after (ao3) - katesofheaven

Summary: Dan and Phil have a dying daughter and they deal with it in different ways, both before and after she goes.

Butterfly (ao3) - A_Million_Regrets

Summary: Phil Lester, a lonely writer, finds a dying boy with beautiful black wings on a cold, rainy night in a dingy alleyway. He recognizes the boy as one of the winged men hated by human society. They are considered to be wild, ferocious beasts, but Phil's sympathy forces him to help the boy.

What happens when the boy, considered to be a wild beast, gets too attached and follows him home with an innocent, dimpled smile?

Can We Just Pretend (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: After being seen cuddling with a childhood friend, Phil thinks Dan is cheating.

Change Will Come (ao3) - rainbowchristy

Summary: Dan’s a depressed university student. Phil’s just a cute coffee shop barista who writes notes on Dan’s hot chocolates.

Choking on My Thoughts of You (ao3) - Anonymous

Summary: The first time Phil coughed up a petal, he thought he was seeing things. He blinked, staring at its perfect edges, almost as if to will it out of existence. There was no way something so small and perfect could have come from his lungs. That couldn’t be possible. Yet there it sat, perfect and white as can be, cupped in his hands.

Phil loved Dan so much it was killing him.

dollhouse (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: dan's parents are fighting, again.

Expectations (ao3) - my_happy_little_bean

Summary: They expect you do well. They expect you to succeed. That's everyone's expectations.

You, however, have different expectations from different people.

And you're tired of them.

helplessly helpless: I’m alive, can you hear me? (ao3) - MANIAvinyl

Summary: Dan’s been in a relatively good place. He’s kept his head screwed on tight recently. So because the worst of the storm has passed he feels like it’s on him to help the world to de-stigmatize talking about mental health. When he mentions this to Phil, though, it’s finally revealed how much the last few years have impacted his best friend, too.

Really, I just wanted to explore Phil’s side of the story regarding Daniel and Depression. Because mental health doesn’t just affect the individual; it also affects those close to them, in ways we can’t imagine until we’re the ones on the other side.

hippo milk is actually pink (ao3) - deletable_bird

Summary: In Which Dan Is Drunk, Phil Is Also Drunk, They Hook Up, And Things Just Kind Of Go From There

Maybe I miss you (ao3) - Misha_with_wings

Summary: Phil leaves Dan for several months to temporarily live in New York City and work on a movie set.

The distance between them drove them both insane, but neither of them could voice the reason why.

When Dan comes to visit Phil in New York his feelings are threatened to spill after an encounter with one of Phil's new friends, but he keeps lying- to both Phil and himself.

Hopefully he can eventually tell the truth, because Phil gets another long-term job opportunity in California and Dan can't take any more distance.

Maybe It'll Last This Time (But I'm Gonna' Love You) (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: “Because, if you could love someone, and keep loving them, without being loved back . . . then that love had to be real. It hurt too much to be anything else.” -- Kill Me Softly, Sarah Cross

You love him, but it's a little complicated.

Missing (ao3) - Misha_with_wings

Summary: "So we have a new update on the serial killer running loose around London-" Dan turns the tv off, he didn't want to hear anymore. He just wanted Phil back home, safe and sound.

Seized (ao3) - rainbowchristy

Summary: It started out as a fun day at the park but it ended in terror. Phil takes his little Dan to the park and while Phil is not looking, Dan suddenly gets kidnapped. What will happen to Dan? Will Phil ever see his boyfriend again? Did Phil have something to do with it?

To Love You (ao3) - A_Million_Regrets

Summary: Dan is a rent boy, a male prostitute, a cheap whore, another slut for hire . . . He's heard many more derogatory terms used against him in pointless arguments, regardless of whether it be with friends, family or a random stranger in a dingy pub. He's ashamed of who he's become, but he never says it out loud. He hides things, things like his shame, his pain, and the fact that he's helplessly in love with his bestfriend, Phil Lester.

Unrequited (ao3) - thiccennugget

Summary: Phil doesn't believe in soulmates. Dan's been searching for his for years.

Wonders Never Cease (ao3) - Yiffandquiff (paradisobound)

Summary: Dan and Phil were one of the 'it' couples at their high school until one day, Phil blindsides Dan with a break up. Hurting and seeking comfort, Dan befriends Tyler who helps him get through the first tough few months of the break up, mending his shattered heart. But Dan doesn't want to move on. He wants to be with Phil and maybe, just maybe, in the end, he'll still get to be.

#phanfictioncatalogue #phanfiction #phan #phanfic #masterlists #heavyangst #angst #angst masterlist #angstwithahappyending masterlist #tw

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philsmeatylegss · 1 year

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omg yes pls make the list of fics

This is the most important list I’ll ever make

Here’s the very important list of fics I read once a week (or ones i recently found that I predict I will read once a week)

Big shoutout to @phanfictioncatalogue as ao3 scares me and I wouldn’t have found it without them

Some of these are a bit dark because I’m emo uh pls read tags

A Stolen Ring (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: Dan’s not normal. Why?

He's not human, he has a mysterious ring, and he hates Phil Lester. They have a strange past, one filled with bullying and avoidance, but when Dan turns into an incubus, everything changes. He struggles with his identity and cries himself to sleep most nights, yearning to be normal. And somehow the universe makes it worse by bringing him and Phil together - in the most literal sense.

Absolutely Lovely (ao3) - Autumn_Kismet

Summary: His friends and family think he's acting strange, they're worried that he's depressed again, but Dan doesn't see it. The only thing he sees is the new guy at school, the quirky one with the black hair and stunning blue eyes, and that's bad. So bad... because he likes him, and Dan can't like him. Dan can't be gay. He'll lose his family, he'll lose his friends... he'll become just like his father, and that's the last thing that he wants in the entire world. It's a scary thought that he doesn't think will ever go away and if there's the possibility of that happening, of him becoming the disgusting monster that his father was, or is, then maybe the world is better off without him, regardless of what PJ's dad, his mum's new husband, has to say.

Believe in Me (ao3) - Elleberquist6

Summary: Dan Howell is living at home while he’s saving money for college, which isn’t easy since his parents don’t understand him. Unlike them, he loves dogs, is a vegetarian, has no interest in the family business, and he despises the supernatural. He struggles to accept things that are illogical, even though he is a kitsune. Kitsune are foxes whose powers involve the ability to cast illusions, but Dan just wants to be normal. Phil Lester has just moved to London, where he works as a dog walker. When his path crosses with Dan, Phil is eager to get to know him. Unfortunately, Phil soon finds that being friends with Dan is far more complicated than he could have imagined.

Break Me (ao3) - MySecretsX

Summary: In this world, you're marked with black. That's if you have a soulmate at least. Everyone is destined to cross paths with the one who is meant for them, at least once in their lives.

When you and your soulmate meet, you will touch, if only briefly, and the exact area of skin you touch with the other turns from black to white, with streaks of blue, purple, yellow, all marbled in with each other.

Daniel Howell is well-known in town. People cross the street if they're approaching him and newcomers to the neighbourhood are warned about his presence. Exactly like the Lester's were. But Phil Lester has other ideas, he saw the pain within the boy, how bad can he really be?

Bury Your Flame (ao3) - worriedpeach (skeletonflowers)

Summary: After receiving a dragon egg when his grandfather passed away, Phil is forced to ask for help from the local dragon tamer. As he soon finds out, Dan Howell is nothing he’s been expecting. Infuriating, ludicrous, and completely lacking respect, Dan is everything Phil hates. But Phil will do anything to make his grandfather proud, even if that means getting help from the local cluck.

Cat and Mouse - jilliancares

Summary: Dan Howell is the Panther. He's evil, nefarious, ingenious, and good at coming up with adjectives for himself. The Raven is a nuisance, but he's definitely the most fun part when it comes to being a villain. As a child, Dan had been scared of his powers. He'd been weak. He'd become strong, though. Strong enough to torment the city; strong enough to annoy the Raven with every opportunity he got.

changes (turn and face the strange) (ao3) - happy_hufflepuffle

Summary: Kath likes to think she doesn't miss things when it comes to her family. But maybe this time she did.

Or, Kath watches Phil through the years.

Christmas Coming Out (ao3) - FandomFeels17

Summary: He didn't intend to come out to his mum in his future mother in law's kitchen at Christmas... But here he was, doing exactly that.

class a klutz (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: Dan's an asshole who stars in high quality films and Phil's just a clumsy idiot who has bad timing.

Dogs - dans-awkward-phanfics

Summary: Phil’s dog has the habit of getting him into bad situations and Dan is Phil’s next door neighbour that seems to hate him and his dog. Oddly enough, their dogs like each other. Really like each other.

Ethereal (ao3) - Sinncity

Summary: Dan’s not normal. In fact, he’s never met a single person exactly like him. No one else can move objects with their mind, just by a simple thought. He lives life carefully, limited interactions and semi-non-existent social life. That is, until a pair of sapphire eyes change everything.

Get Out Your Damn Umbrellas (ao3) - llamalamp

Summary: Phil's only gone for one weekend.

Apparently that's all the time it takes for everything to fall apart.

Head Down Low - camisadan

Summary: Dan isn’t right. He’s not like most of the others, he’s not genetically pure. He has no destined path, he has nothing going for him in life. He’ll be lucky to get himself a job in a fast food kitchen, and everyone looks down on him like he’s a piece of dirt stuck at the bottom of their shoe. Except one person: Phil Lester.

I love him (ao3) - Misha_with_wings

Summary: Phil had hidden who he really was for such a long time that he was scared of people knowing the truth.

Luckily Dan comes into his life, making him feel safe and so extremely happy.

Dan makes Phil feel less scared to be himself, and he finally feels comfortable and ready to come out and show the real side of him.

No more fear, no more secrets, no more hiding.

I Want It, I Got It (ao3) - Yiffandquiff (paradisobound)

Summary: Phil Lester was a worker for the BBC in London. Working in the advertising department, he was content being alongside his friend and fellow coworker PJ during every shift. However, the BBC is temporarily being used as a film set for a new movie starring Hollywood ‘It’ star, Daniel Howell. Being stuck as an extra on the set, Phil finds it’s hard to ignore the famous star. And maybe, just maybe, Dan finds it hard to ignore Phil as well.

Make Me Feel Like Someone Else - sin-n-city

Summary: His strong persona is gone, broken into a million pieces and it feels as though all of him is shattered. "They kicked me out." Phil doesn't know it in him to walk away now.

Or the one where Dan gets kicked out of home for admitting his gay and runs into a guy named Phil, who doesn't have it in him to let Dan stay on the streets.

Midnight Garden (ao3) - silentdescant

Summary: In which Phil is a gardener at the palace and Dan is a reclusive prince.

pastry chef attempts to steal phil's heart (ao3) - sierraadeux

Summary: If anyone asks, Prince Philip's sneaky morning journeys down to the royal pastry kitchen are for nothing more than the perfect cup of coffee.

restless (ao3) - overwhelmedbysonder

Summary: Breathe. Just breathe.

In. Out. In. Out. In.

It’s not that I don’t try. I see my family, my friends, visiting with their faked smiles and forced laughter, desperately trying to pretend that things are fine, that nothing’s changed. I see them and I want to reach out, I want to look at them and smile and reassure them that I’m here and I’m fine and I’m here, but I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.

Or, the one where Phil struggles with depression, PTSD and being mute, and Dan just wants to hug him.

Shut Your Mouth and Listen Closely (ao3) - SimplyUndead

Summary: Dan is mute with an unfortunate past. Phil is a nice boy with a warm heart and love to give.

The Blind Boy - jilliancares

Summary: Dan Howell liked to think of his entire life as a series of tragic accidents. Because really, how many people can say that they managed to become blind and obtain a supposedly Cute Boy’s hate all in the span of one year? And Phil Lester has not had the best school life, so in order to avoid bullying or a bad reputation, he refuses to take shit from anyone at this new school. Even if that someone just so happens to be blind.

The Music In Me (ao3) - DiamondValley

Summary: Phil takes on Martyn’s bet that he can’t learn to play the piano and gets lessons to prove him wrong. He expects a few things:

- He’ll be terrible

- He’ll get bored very quickly because he is terrible

- Martyn will win the bet, but he’ll have tried something new and completed his new year’s resolution

What he doesn’t expect is the instant connection he forms with his curly-haired piano teacher.

the second tetris block (ao3) - dizzy

Summary: Things seem to be falling into place for Phil.

The Slave Boy (ao3) - Phandiction

Summary: On his eighteenth birthday Phil receives a quiet and timid slave boy as a gift from his father. Phil intends to make Dan his friend more than a slave but social status and pressure from his father forces the two to keep an emotional distance when it comes to being in public. Behind closed doors though the Master and his slave become close. Phil is expected to take over his father's business and marry a prestigious young girl but this isn't what the young Master wants. What he wants is something he can't have in his world, his slave boy.

they grew up so nicely, didn't they? (ao3) - natigail

Summary: Cornelia doesn’t just get a boyfriend when she starts dating Martyn, she gets a whole second family too. Kath and Nigel welcome her with open arms and she becomes a pseudo older sister to Phil.

She is there watching from the sidelines as a boy bolts right into Phil’s heart and sets up camp. She gets to watch as Dan and Phil build careers and an internet community and all the trials and tribulations, as well as the pride and happiness, it brings along.

They'll Tear Us Apart If You Give Them the Chance (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: Dan and Phil are both princes and they've been taught to hate each other their whole lives. They meet in a forest.

Those Who Trust - theshyauthor

Summary: (TW) Dan used to be a submissive and now he’s just a broken shell of a man.

Trust Me, I'm Broken Too (ao3) - natigail

Summary: The Lesters – the royal family of his homeland – was nothing like Dan thought they would be. Well, the King was just as horrible as he had heard but the King’s brother’s son, who was third in line for the throne, was nothing like Dan thought he’d be. Dan had been adrift for three years going from one “place of employment” to another, only his life was seen as worthless and he was more property than an employee. He had never imagined he’s end up as the property of Prince Philip.

The Prince had no intention of ever taking on a personal servant, which was a fancy name to disguise the fact a law essentially enslaved people. Phil often had to do things he didn’t want to or risk being removed from the succession to the crown. If that happened, who knew who his tyrant of an uncle would pick as a successor? When pressured into the choosing, he’d wanted to go for the most innocent, young girl, but hard brown eyes caught his attention instead.

Venus’s Looking Glass - auroraphilealis

Summary: Shy!punk!Phil has been crushing on confident!pastel!Dan for years now, but he’s never felt comfortable enough to do anything about it until he accidentally comes out to his brother Martyn, who is nothing but supportive. It’s Martyn’s idea to woo Dan with flowers - only, he didn’t mean do it anonymously.

we’ll never be royals (extended) - phanimist

Summary: royalty au where phil's the kind handsome prince and dan's a poor commoner who dreams of becoming world class musician. phil's parents hold a ball so he can meet his suitors, but he ends up falling for the pianist instead.

where we belong (ao3) - parentaladvisorybullshitcontent

Summary: "Only you," Martyn says.

"Only me what?"

"Only you could end up stranded in the middle of nowhere with a gay author who writes gay books. Jesus Christ, Phil."

In which Phil is snowed in with nobody but the mysterious dark haired author next door for company.

Weather With You (ao3) - Evening42

Summary: Phil moves to an isolated cottage to start his dream of writing a novel. He meets a mysterious silent stranger on the beach who has a tragic history.

This is pathetic😭

#asks #dan and phil

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heartsopenminds · 1 year

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I posted 2,448 times in 2022

51 posts created (2%)

2,397 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@mrandmrlesterhowell

@deadandphilgames

@heartstopperdnp

@combeauferre

@silentdescant

I tagged 279 of my posts in 2022

#dnp - 43 posts

#ofmd - 36 posts

#heartstopper - 30 posts

#daniel howell - 15 posts

#phanfic - 15 posts

#heartstopper spoilers - 14 posts

#fic rec - 11 posts

#phanart - 6 posts

#phil lester - 4 posts

#gorgeous! - 3 posts

Longest Tag: 136 characters

#misread the artist name as penny lancaster and was like supporting artists is great but i dont think rod stewarts wife waa short of cash

My Top Posts in 2022:

youtube recommending ninety minutes of dan telling us about how shitty youtube can be, we love to see it

66 notes - Posted May 5, 2022

words don’t come so easily

pairing: Dan Howell/Phil Lester

rating: general

tags: alternate universe, first meeting, artist phil lester

word count: 8019

summary: When Dan agrees to be a celebrity guest on a reality show for artists, his only aim is to raise his profile a little and appease his agent.

That is, until he meets the artists who'll be painting his portrait, and one in particular catches his eye...

for @hiwatari, sorry it’s been so delayed ❤️

~~~

thanks so much to @sainthelmine for this gorgeous art of dan viewing phil’s self portrait, it’s exactly what I’d imagined!

71 notes - Posted January 9, 2022

So we've had OFMD, Heartstopper and now Dan's back....2022 is officially the year of the queer, baby

160 notes - Posted May 5, 2022

preshow hangout q+a! london 28 sept

I was at the show again tonight (I got to go on friday too!) and it was sooo good! I also got to go to the pre show hangout, so here’s some highlights from the q+a - putting under the cut as it’s v long and maybe a little spoilerish so....

- dan had lots of people he knows coming to the show tonight and was trying not to think about how how much ‘adult content’ there is and how they might react

- he had to remove some grandma jokes from the cardiff show because of the queen's funeral

- what disney prince would he bang? Immediate answer was the beast, then he clarified he meant in human form, then switched to aladdin

- people have mocked him for the fact that all he has in his rider is red bull, water and a banana (he reassured us this was not for sexual purposes)

- his feet smell like soap, but apparently americans have told him that's weird because everyone uses shower gel these days and soap is for medievel peasants

- he used to know how to do the dance to lucifer by shinee, and they're his number one all time group

- he thanked the person who wrote 'piss' on their piece of paper for bringing that over from instagram q+a’s

- the box where people post questions which is labelled ‘dan’s hole’ is now being referred to as ‘dan's slit’ because it’s a slot not a round hole

- the crew named the box dan's hole without consulting him and he's worried about getting it through customs to america

- the vip bags are meant to be an end of the world survival kit and you can use the bracelet as a weapon to fire at people's eyes and blind them

- there's lots of journalists coming to review the show tonight and Dan is worried they are all going to be bald white old heterosexual men and will think he’s just a woke child, but apparently if he wears nail varnish they'll suddenly realise he's gay and then whatever he says will be fine

- he said several times that we all have to make sure we cheer and look like we're enjoying the show so that the journalists will give him a good review

- his least favourite one direction solo music is liam payne’s

- the same person who asked that also asked for 'thoughts on’ daddy marx aka karl' and dan’s response was icon, legend, slay

- if phil were turned into a houseplant, dan wouldn't water him as he wouldn't deserve it because of how many plants he's killed

- dan thinks phil will live in filth for two months while he tours america and then do a panic clean 2 days before he gets back

- the person who asked them for a threesome was.....your mum

- corgi might win over shibe in the 'get a dog' discussion because shibes are apparently not very emotionally available

- someone said get one of each and Dan said he doesn't want to come home from tour and find two dog skeletons, so maybe that's a 2023 thing (!!)

- he emotionally vibes with the idea of becoming a cottagecore cat lady with 9 black cats

- his dream place to do a show would be in his house so he doesn't have to get dressed, so probably a livestream of him sleeping

- if he had to be a biscuit he'd be a hobnob - messy, large, circular and full of too much sugar

- fuck marry kill with mariokart characters - he'd marry then fuck then kill luigi

- he’s clueless about wine and never knows what to say when people ask him what his favourite red wine is

- phil only likes alcohol that tastes like ribena, and likes a nice gay rosé

- fave alcoholic drink - he said he's a gin girl because gin makes you cry and he's crying all the time on the inside so he's drawn to it on an emotional level

- someone asked how it felt to have turned an entire generation queer, and he laughed and apologised

- 'would you rather turn into sonic, godzilla or megamind every time you’re aroused?' dan’s response was sonic because whatever you're going to do, you can do it fast ‘time is money - spin on that, bitch!’

See the full post

216 notes - Posted September 29, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

so dan's spent two years writing his own non-youtuber au fic and trying to get youtube to help him make it

338 notes - Posted May 4, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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cyncity2000 · 4 years

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Do you ever just sit there and realize that Phil Lester is the SAME AGE as Brendon Urie?

#it truly fucked me up when i realized #like...hOW #can u imagine being a fan of someone who’s the same age as you bc honestly thats kinda wack #it’s like me liking billie eilish...which like...i dont hate her i like some of her stuff...but how tf is she mY AGE?? ITS CRAZY #phil lester #brendon urie #now every time i watch that vid of them singing Sins i will remember

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dramaticlester · 2 years

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Being loved by Dan

Summary: Phil watches back a few gaming videos, and it hits him how much Dan loves him.

genre: fluff

warnings: swearing, a lil bit of nsfw (nout major), 2am writing

type: drabble kinda, slightly longer than that lol

also on ao3 here!

“Hey, Dan. You look so in love with me in this video,” is what Phil starts the conversation with as he walks into their bedroom. Its barely 10am, the blinds haven’t even been drawn, and Phil is on a sentiment journey.

Dan just blinks, his eyes burning as they open against the unwelcome influx of daylight “huh?”

Phil laughs, crowding onto Dans side of the bed, curling into the warmth of the sleep still cradling him, “you love me. like, a lot.”

“Welcome to the world, doofus,” Dan sighs, kissing the top of his head and throwing his arms around the older’s waist. “You’re the last to notice.”

“I knew, just not that well,” Phil sighs, pushing further in.

“Are you trying to morph us together,” Dan mumbles, a small yawn being muffled into Phil’s neck as he squeezes him tightly, inhaling the scent of coconut coming off his boyfriends hair.

“I have a theory that we’d be indestructible that way,” Phil laughs. Dan can imagine the crinkle in the corner of his eyes.

“Already are, bub.”

That’s where the conversation ends because the warmth radiating off Dan is pulling Phil back under, despite the fact he’d been up since 8am answering emails and tidying the house for the impending ‘Lester visit’, and Dan was never really fully awake to begin with.

When they do finally get up, Phil clings to Dan, staying by his side even as he makes ridiculously expensive coffee and selects almond out of his massive collection of non-dairy milks. Dan doesn’t question it much, he just smiles at Phil and offers him his cup of coffee.He then makes himself another one. Phil sits at the table and sips it as Dan is busying himself around the kitchen. He watches the sway of Dan’s hips, the small strides his long legs take against the cold tile of their kitchen floor, the fluffy curls that should be ruffled from sleep, but instead look styled and picture ready. His eyes are golden in the sunlight, creating the perfect silhouette of a beautiful man. Phil’s man, that loves him a lot. Phil feels overwhelmed, so much so that he has to push Dan against the counter and kiss him, cupping his cheek and stroking his thumb across soft skin. It ends with his hands in Dans joggers, unsurprisingly, and a look of bliss on Dans face as he finishes with Phil’s name on his lips. He whispers how much he loves Phil as he rubs their noses together in an eskimo kiss, his smile radiates brighter than the sun that inspired Phil’s impromptu show of love. Funny how that works. Dans whisper breaks him out of his trance, “my expensive coffee is cold now, doofus.” Phil knows he’s not really that bothered.

“Can I help you?” Dan asks. He’s playing games on the PS5 now, Phil obviously sat near him. He’s on the floor, to be exact, laying across some pillows and staring up at Dan.

“You’re just pretty,” Phil says, ducking from the onslaught of pillows from Dan as Phil cackles.

“You’re being so weird,” Dan notes, pausing his game so he can crawl down onto the floor and pin Phil’s arms above his head.

“You’re being weird,” Phil smirks, wiggling his hands. “This is very out of character for you. We need a role reversal, Daniel.”

“Not today,” Dan winks, leaning down to attack Phil’s neck. “I need to recover from your very in-character show in the kitchen.”

He pulls back after making a satisfactory mark on the pale skin of Phil’s neck. He looks down at Phil, beautiful blues eyes and a crooked, yet perfect, smile.

“You’re doing it again,” Phil says. He adores Dan, he decides, because Dan is adorable.

“Doing what?”

“The look; you’re in love with me.”

“Always, doofus,” Dan grins, getting up off the floor and offering Phil a hand.

The next time is when they’re in the shower. Specifically on the request of, “you always use up the warm water, Phil.”… Phil knows it’s a lie, because their water runs off the boiler now and is always warm. Dan doesn’t need to know he knows, though.

Dan is rubbing shampoo into Phil’s hair like the gentleman he is, massaging his head as he goes. Phil is pushing back into it like he’d been craving it, letting Dan take care of him because he’s worth it (he says as much to Dan who bursts out into a laugh.) The water is warm and their naked skin is pushed together. There’s so much space, but they’d hate to use it all. Phil turns round to wash it out of his hair when he sees it again, the look of fondness in Dan eyes, the one that tells him he’ll never let him go.

“I love you too, Dan,” Phil says, reaching forward and using his hands to follow the dip of Dans hips. Dan looks beautiful like this, open and vulnerable, never shielding away from Phil’s eyes anymore because he knows as much. Dan grins, inching forward a tiny bit until he can kiss Phil’s lips. Dans hands skim all the way down his back, pushing into the small dimples at the lowest point. He does it often, when he’s joining up the freckles on Phil’s back when they’re basking in the light in their room, or when Phil pushes him against the wall and grinds their hips together. Somehow, Dans fingers always find their way to the two little dimples. When Phil asked him about it, he said that Phil always did it to his dimples, so it should be returned. Phil never questioned further, but he knew it was because Dan felt connected that way, because Phil rarely touched Dans dimples as opposed to staring at them, in love with Dans smile.

In hindsight, Phil obviously knew Dan loved him, they’d been together for 12 years for fucks sake. But it was when he watched back the sims video in which they decorated Dabs apartment and Dan kept smiling at him when they talked about nostalgic things in their first apartment, or in the extreme tetris video where Dan let him win the ‘All-Or-Nothing’ so that Phil could finally say they were drawing on the DvsP board, and it was when he watched any of the ‘golf with friends’ videos, where Dan laughed at all his innuendos and gave him tips that could actually be helpful if he applied them properly. Dan loved him more than Phil would ever be able to comprehend, much like his own love for Dan, and it was documented for the world to see. But somehow, the level of love was for him only. Something Dan knew he’d be able to see when he watched it back. It was a promise.

Phil felt lucky, that Dan loved him so much. And he felt lucky to love Dan.

#phan #phanfiction #dan and phil #fluff #fanfiction #phil #phandom #cute #danhowell #phillester #established phan

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pseudophan · 3 years

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can u imagine telling someone u dated phil lester n being asked like "omg what happened" and u have to sit there and say u cheated on him.. embarrassing LMFAOHF

XCNVBDSHJBFJHXBHJFD NO BUT YOU KNOW THATS HAPPENED AT SOME POINT like that guy’s definitely brought it up after phil got super famous especially cause its the uk and dnp are like d list mainstream celebrities there technically like it goes beyond youtube and all that so that guy absolutely brings it up from time to time to people like yea i dated phil lester once and then they ask about it and he has to either lie or be honest but mean about it (like kinda gloat that hes cheated on a celeb!!1! lol epic cool xD) or awkwardly confess how hilariously he fucked up

#answered

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deadandphilgames · 3 years

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Can you imagine being a gay cowboy and you go to the rodeo to see your favorite cowboy Phil Lester and Phil Lester is just like the coolest cowboy in the world he's so confident and he's got like a rhinestone jean jacket with the longest fringes and pink bedazzled belt with like the fanciest black cowboy boots and a matching hat and sexy bolo tie and he's just so fashionable and all the other Cowboys respect him and so you're thinking about asking him out and giving him YOUR cowboy hat to wear during the Rodeo Show and then the day of the rodeo comes and you walk to the horse stables and he's talking to some twink that's not even a real cowboy like it's a poser cowboy and you can tell because his cowboy boots are fake and he doesn't even have like a proper denim jacket he's wearing a silly emo jacket and you could tell that this boy has never done farm work in his entire life yet Phil is over here laughing like he's so funny but he's not funny he's not even a cowboy!!! Dan isn't even a cowboy!!! he doesn't even have a bolo tie and he won Phil. Wow.

#this feels like sierra bait #asks #anonymous

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hopefullystillatheatrestudent · 3 years

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*sigh*

about the whole ‘do not ship real people. ever’ argument i’m gonna HAVE to say my piece on it and then i’m gonna shut up forever because i’ve heard it ALL and i just have to get all my thoughts out there even if no one reads them

i don’t know how else to explain i have never once ‘shipped’ something ever in my whole life. i have merely perceived and enthused over what EXISTS. like, correct me if i’m wrong, but....what would you ever get out of shipping two people who AREN’T actually together??? what is the point? you don’t get anything out of that; i mean, it sounds pretty exhausting and sad to look for proof where there is none. and they don’t get anything out of that. THAT is where it absolutely becomes gross and creepy and i have no respect for rps like that. septiplier is a PRIME example, where both people involved have gone on the record saying it destroys relationships because of course it does! why don’t people have any common sense! which is why my rule is to never let myself ‘ship’ something unless they are indisputably an item, and THAT’S where the cardinal rule of ‘don’t ship real people’ gets fuzzy.

i have been around the block in terms of rps HEAVILY with dan and phil. i have also engaged in a small way with joey and lauren(richpez) and reeve carney and eva noblezada from hadestown.(i have been correct in my assumptions[that they are in fact together] all three times so.....yeah, i kind of know what i’m on about) and from my well-versed experience, the essence and entertainment factor of rps is kind of the whole investigative nature? we become body language analysts and experts and stories resurface as do old tweets that when you put everything together, the natural conclusion(that yeah duh they’re obviously dating) would be super hard to ignore. and here is my thesis: shipping real people is fine as long as, 1. you have REALLY good reason to believe they are in fact in a relationship, to a point where it’s undeniable and 2. the speculation stays ONLINE, AWAY FROM THE PARTIES INVOLVED. both of these two coinciding statements have to be true for me to get behind it in any way.

anytime one of those rules are broken is when things get SUPER messy, and SUPER harmful SUPER fast. i’m gonna use dan and phil as an example again because i know what happened there the best. i’ve heard countless stories of people going right up to dan and asking who tops and who bottoms. there have been more than one instance of people going to meet and greets purely to corner them both and ask if they’re in a relationship. and props to dan and phil for putting themselves out there and risking...you know, those kind of interactions. because what the actual fuck. and yes, dan and phil are together, have been since 2009(and if you disagree i literally do not know how to explain that you are both blind and being willfully heteronormative), but that doesn’t give anyone the right to play an active part in it. witness it, sure. speculate with like minded individuals on tumblr? of course. but when you cross lines, and you KNOW you’re crossing lines..that is super, super uncomfortable for everyone involved. i do not disagree that that sort of thing is seriously stupid and harmful, which dan also confirmed in his coming out video that that sort of thing quite literally scarred him for life. just imagine how dehumanizing it would be, for people to perceive you as, not a person, but one half of a ship on the internet? and to feel entitled enough as to literally ask them about them it? gross. creepy. weird.

BUT! youtube clip analysis posts on tumblr is NOT THE SAME THING AS BEING DISRESPECTUL. honestly, any posting on tumblr(again! AWAY from the parties involved) is NOT THE SAME THING. talking about them in youtube or tiktok comment sections, not the same thing. and i’m talking about specific ships here, LIKE cockles, because they are what prompted this post from me.

i am not saying you have to agree with those type of posts, but like...just leave them alone? maybe? and if you call me crazy, i’m gonna laugh at you, because i know what i’m talking about and i could blow your mind.

to go even further, and i’ll use my two comfort couples as examples: on some level(WITH COUPLES THAT ACTUALLY EXIST), they probably, definitely appreciate being shipped. think about it. not the invasive aspects of it, like asking about what they do in private and investigating their addresses so you could maybe stalk them(which has happened and i think larry stylinson got it worse? i’m avoiding that whole thing because it sounds like an otherworldly mess). i’m talking the best part of it, which is seeing and sharing clips of them looking at each other and saying ‘they look so in love here’. both of my couples have terms coined after these types of things...’heart eyes howell’ ‘love eyes lester’ and the ‘unicorn laugh’ all come to mind.(misha doesn’t have a term but boy does he have the expressions) i mean, if you were in a relationship, and people saw how happy you were, and just like, basked in that happiness online, that’s kind of beautiful, no? i would want that.

and about my actual post where people are like ‘go outside. stop shipping real people this is crazy’ ...does my posting about an interview answer jensen gave in 2016 seriously hurt anyone in any way? really? maybe,,,,don’t interact with posts that aren’t to your own personal taste? again, jensen literally SAID THOSE THINGS. jensen and misha SAY CRAZY THINGS LIKE THAT. they SHARE ANNIVERSARY POSTS. THEY MAKE JOKES ABOUT THEM HAVING SEX 24/7. THEY ARE PUTTING A GUN TO OUR HEADS AND FORCING US TO WITNESS THEM. jensen SAID that answer because that’s the furthest he can go without completely outing himself as a bi, poly man and i’m simply seeing that and reacting to it, just like he wants me to. i don’t feel wrong or weird for any analysis posts when it comes to them because they are actively egging us on and actually do want us to know. so.

i guess i’m ranting because i resent being called, like, a crazy shipper fangirl or something. i am not crazy. or stupid. and i have a brain and would never cross any lines. and maybe consider why ships like cockles and phan gained so much traction in the first place. maybe consider we’re not reaching and never have been. on that note, maybe consider why DESTIEL gained so much traction when tptb never intended for it to happen. ...

#ethics of rps #ethics of rpf #anti rps for ts #cockles #dan and phil #phan #jensenxmisha #myposts #larry stylinson #septiplier #rps #rpf

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quercussp · 3 years

Text

I like you in my clothes

Rating: M

Word count: 1.4k

Summary: “No, Phil, you’re serious? You’re turned on by emojis? We might need a divorce.”

Despite his indignation, Dan moved over onto his knees and scooted along the couch to climb onto Phil’s lap.

“I just like how they look on you” Phil wrapped his arms around Dan’s back and was nestling into Dan’s neck, leaving soft kisses at his nape.

“They look awful! They are way too short on me, babe!”

“Exactly.”

Authors note: written for @calvinahobbes as part of the Phandom Fic Fests Holiday Exchange 2020

Thank you to @plinth-of-life for betaing <3

Warnings: implied sexual content

[read on ao3]

This was definitely not how Phil imagined spending his first Christmas Eve at home with Dan, but all things considered, it wasn’t that bad.

Yes, the flat was a total mess of moving boxes. The house they were moving into was even worse, with unfinished painting and tile waiting to be installed in the upstairs bathroom, and the move-in date has been pushed back yet again with the announcement of another lockdown.

Yes, they didn’t have a Christmas tree, a proper one that is. There were no homemade christmas biscuits.No warm hugs from Kath, no shouting over board games, no usual Lester family merriment to be seen

But on the bright side, the flat still showed some signs of Christmas. There was a small pile of presents next to the couch that arrived by mail over the last week that Dan insisted they wait until Christmas to open. Phil had haphazardly thrown some tinsel on the slightly dying palm tree in the corner of the living room. And most importantly, there was a certain someone sitting on the couch with Phil, his long dangly legs intertwined with Phil’s.

Phil looked over at Dan’s feet and couldn’t contain a small chuckle.

“What are you laughing at?” Dan lifted his eyes from his screen and grinned cheekily at Phil.

“Nothing” Phil smiled back.

They looked at each other for a couple seconds and then both looked back down to their screens, still smiling. But no matter how much Phil tried, he could not stay focused on his Twitter feed. His eyes were drawn to Dan’s socked feet. Phil was mesmerized by the little sliver of skin between his partner’s fuzzy socks and the hem of his pajama bottoms, pajamas that didn’t even belong to him in the first place

When it was drafty and cold like today, Dan usually wore his own gray pajama pants but during all the chaos and confusion of packing, he had accidentally packed away most of his loungewear into an unmarked box. After days of sulking ( “Dan, no one can see you, what does it matter what you’re wearing!” “But I can see me, Phil!” “Just put some pants on before you freeze to death, jeez” ), he finally agreed to just borrow some of Phil’s pajamas. In all honesty, Phil didn’t understand what the fuss was about since they shared shirts and jackets and jeans all the time. But emoji pajamas was where Dan apparently drew the line, and to be fair, he did look kind of ridiculous in them. For one thing, the pajamas themselves were a little ridiculous, but even more ridiculous was how they were just a little bit too short on Dan.

Phil had been a tall person for the majority of his life. He’d been used to being the tallest one in the room, to looking down when talking to people, to sticking out like a sore thumb. which is just another reason why being with Dan was so refreshing. It was surprisingly nice to feel small sometimes, to feel crowded by his boyfriend, to feel entirely surrounded by Dan’s large body, his large hands, his long legs wrapped around Phil’s hips.

Unfortunately for Phil, Dan spent most of his life trying to make himself smaller. He instinctively hunched his back, rounded his shoulders, slightly bent his knees, all to make himself a little shorter than he actually was. It was so normal for him that in a lot of their photos Dan actually looked smaller than Phil. And Phil didn’t mind that. Really, what does it matter?

But there was just something so endearing about Dan wearing a pair of Phil’s pants, their height difference so immediately apparent; endearing and, quite honestly, hot.

Phil’s musings were interrupted by Dan’s voice and a light kick at his feet.

“Phil, stop staring at my feet, you perv.”

“What am I supposed to do, they’re nice feet!” Phil gently kicked back at Dan and then ran his own feet along that lovely little sliver of skin.

“What is it with you today? Is the Christmas spirit getting you extra horny or something? Or did you suddenly develop a foot fetish?” Dan teased.

“You just look good in my clothes, ok?”

“Wait what? You mean in this absolute monstrosity?” Dan raised one of his legs in the air, pointing at the absolutely offensive emoji pajamas.

Phil couldn’t stop himself from staring at the pant leg falling down, revealing even more skin and some light hair on Dan’s calf.

“No, Phil, you’re serious? You’re turned on by emojis? We might need a divorce.”

Despite his indignation, Dan moved over onto his knees and scooted along the couch to climb onto Phil’s lap.

“I just like how they look on you” Phil wrapped his arms around Dan’s back and nestled into his chest, leaving soft kisses along the nape of his neck.

“They look awful! They are way too short on me, babe!”

“Exactly.”

Dan leaned back to take a look at Phil’s face.

“Is it the thing about me being tall again?”

Phil felt his cheeks heat up. “Maybe….”

Dan smiled and sat up on his knees, crowding Phil and looming over him. “You like to feel small, don’t you?”

“Maybe…” Phil’s voice got really quiet, almost a whisper. “Or I just think that my boyfriend being an actual giant is very hot.”

“Is that so?” Dan leaned down to kiss Phil on the lips.

***

All things considered, Phil really didn’t have much to complain about this Christmas.

It was too cold to stay out in the living room while naked and sweaty, so they ended up in the bedroom under a bundle of blankets. Dan was lying on his back, stretched out on the bed, Phil’s head resting on his shoulder. Phil was cuddled up to his side, basking in the warmth his partner radiated. He could feel Dan’s large hands curled around him and hear the steady breath slightly rocking his chest.

There was a comfortable silence in the room, only interrupted by the sound of an occasional car driving past.

Phil turned his head, pressing his lips to Dan’s shoulder.

“Happy Christmas, Dan” he whispered.

“Happy Christmas, babe,” Dan tightened his grip around his partner.

“I’m hungry,” Phil mumbled. “Do we have anything to eat?”

“There may be a box of mince pies hidden away in the kitchen just for this occasion,” Dan whispered.

Phil immediately sat up. “What? Where? I looked all over!”

“They’re in that top cabinet in the kitchen you can’t reach” Dan laughed. “I wanted to make sure we would have some left for actual Christmas day.”

“God, I love you, Daniel Howell!” exclaimed Phil. “No, go get them for me! I’m about to die of hunger here.”

“Lazy sod. Go put the kettle on, I’ll get you your pies.”

***

They ended up eating the mince pies in the living room next to their tiny tree, watching episodes of the Great British Bake-Off in the background. Phil was cozied up in the hoodie he stole from Dan (“ If you wear my pants, I can wear your hoodie ” Phil had argued), pulling the slightly too long sleeves over his hands.

Even looking at the TV, Phil could feel Dan’s gaze on him.

“What are you looking at?” he finally asked, smiling.

“You look good in my clothes,” Dan replied, grinning.

Phil chuckled. “Give me another 20 minutes to finish this tea and we can go back to the bedroom.”

“Take your time, Philly, we’ve got all night. Don’t want you to overexert yourself, you know.”

“Are you calling me old?!” Phil replied with mock indignation, grinning from ear to ear. He put his tea down and climbed up to straddle Dan’s lap. Dan’s hands automatically made their way under the hoodie and onto Phil’s waist.

“I don’t know, am I?”

Phil shut him up with a forceful kiss.

***

This Christmas definitely didn’t exactly look like Phil planned. But there were worse ways to spend the holidays. Hopefully by next year they would be hosting the extended family in their new house, there would be a little niece running all around the place chasing after their dog. Hopefully, by next Christmas Phil would have a hyphenated last name and a ring on his finger.

But for now, big spooning his giant of a boyfriend in a nest of blankets, this wasn’t half bad, all things considering.

#my fic #phanfiction #phan

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rainbowchristy · 3 years

Text

Let the Human In (Chapter Ten - Transfer)

Summary: It’s just a regular workday for Phil. Doing rounds with his patients, helping out with the occasional emergency department case. The only difference? He has one new patient in the ED. One found unconscious on the street. One who starts throwing up from seemingly nothing. One, with a very dark backstory and no hope for the future.

Or, Dan is being sex trafficked and Phil’s a psych resident who just wants to help, even if everyone around him is telling him he’s too invested.

A/N: This fic is heavily inspired by the character Danny Jones from Chicago Med but you don’t need to know anything about the show to read this!

TW: Mentions of comas, mentions of eating disorders, anxiety, mentions of blood, mentions of assault, mentions of knives, mentions of suicide & mentions of forced psychiatric holding.

Ao3 Link

Chapter 1 | Last Chapter

“Dr Lester, good evening. Your patient, Daniel Howell, has woken up.”

Phil feels his throat close up. He’s not sure what he’s feeling. Relief, sure. But also fear. He’s afraid he won’t be good enough for this job.

What if Dan doesn’t let him help him? What if he does but it doesn’t work?

What if Phil does something wrong and loses his placement because of some technicality?

What if–

“Dr Lester?” the nurse on the phone asks.

“I’m here,” Phil says. “I’ll– I’ll be there as soon as possible.”

“See you soon,” she says before hanging up.

~~~~

“This way, Dr Lester,” one of the nurses says as soon as the elevator doors open into the ICU. Phil follows her as she rushes around the nurses’ station. She’s pregnant and is doing the waddle they all seem to do. Phil can’t imagine what it’s like to have a human growing inside of him. It’s a crazy concept.

She turns left and disappears behind a half-open curtain. Phil pulls it aside to reveal an empty room aside from the man in the bed whose eyes are closed.

“Daniel,” the nurse says, walking up to his side and checking the drip bag.

Phil watches Dan and sees him open his eyes, look around blearily and finally settle his sights on Phil. He smiles. Phil smiles back.

“What tests have you done?” Phil asks the nurse.

She looks down at the clipboard in her hand and runs her finger down the page before flipping to the next one.

“The last test was on Friday, GCS six.”

“Wait, so no one’s done anything since he’s woken up?” Phil asks, confused.

She glances again, probably to make sure she didn’t miss anything. “Nope. He only woke up ten minutes ago and I assumed we were waiting for you to get here.”

Phil’s confused for a moment before he realises what’s wrong. No one’s told the nurses in the ICU that he isn’t Dan’s doctor anymore. Though, to be fair, Dan’s also not living with him yet. He decides to deal with it later and nods.

“Well, call for a neuro consult and book him in for a CT. Run all the usual blood tests as well.”

The nurse nods and leaves the room to follow his orders.

Phil pulls a chair up next to Dan and takes a seat, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees. He’s not really sure what to say so he sits still and looks around the room. The sound of the heart monitor is steady and calming.

He sees Dan shuffle around out of the corner of his eye. Phil doesn’t blame him; now that he’s sat down he feels like he’s supposed to say something but he’s not sure what. It’s not like they have anything to discuss until the tests are done.

A few minutes later, Dr McCann comes into the room. “Mr Howell, good to see you awake.”

Dan doesn’t respond, just stares straight forward. Phil stands up and backs away, both so Dr McCann can do the test and because Phil’s gut’s telling him to get away from Dan. He doesn’t like that feeling. He shouldn’t be scared of his patients. He’s better now, or at least he’s supposed to be.

“GCS 14, he’s going to be just fine,” Dr McCann says, smiling at him and stepping back from the bed.

“Thank you.”

She nods. “No problem. I’d recommend running a CT scan just to make sure there’s nothing internal we’re missing but I’m satisfied with his condition otherwise.”

“Already done,” Phil says. Dr McCann smiles at him and leaves, closing the curtain behind her.

Phil takes a seat again after pushing the chair back slightly, pretending all the while that he didn’t. Phil opens his mouth to actually say hello to Dan but a nurse comes in, followed by two others.

“The CT scanner’s ready for him,” the man says. Phil just nods, standing up again and pulling his chair back so it’s out of the way.

Phil decides to wander, finding himself unconsciously going towards the psychiatric unit. He’s not particularly sure why; it’s not like Dr Forrest will be there to talk to. Only the night staff are ever here at this time. Dr Forrest is probably fast asleep, Kyle too. Phil should be, but being a doctor isn’t exactly the most routine-following job.

“Dr Lester, what are you doing here?” Nurse Eric asks, looking down at his desk to see if there was a problem he had somehow missed.

“Had to come in for another patient and just thought I’d stop by. How is everything here?”

Eric nods. “All is well. It’s a pretty quiet night tonight. No one’s had any issues.”

“Don’t say the Q-word,” Phil warns. “It curses the rest of the shift, trust me.”

Eric laughs. “Good point.” There’s a pause. “But it actually is. I even get to eat my dinner on time,” he says, laughing.

Phil realises he’s holding a bowl of noodles and Phil fights against a smile. Eating ‘on time’ is apparently at ten minutes to midnight. Phil really does not miss night shifts at all, but he’s equally glad there are people who don’t mind.

“Anyway,” Phil says, pointing behind him using his thumb, “I’m gonna head back.”

“See ya,” Eric says, taking a huge bite of food.

“Bye.”

~~~~

“All his tests came back clear,” the nurse says, holding out Dan’s file. Phil takes it and flicks it open, having a quick look at the results.

It’s the early hours of the morning now and Phil’s exhausted. He had to wake up at a socially acceptable time the previous morning considering he had the appointment with his psychologist and now he’s supposed to be fast asleep but he’s not.

Phil pushes the curtain aside. Dan’s still lying on the bed, exactly how he had been when he went for his scan earlier. If he didn’t know better, he’d say Dan never went anywhere.

“How are you feeling, Dan?” Phil asks, pulling the chair closer again, the only thing that wasn’t put back.

Dan, who was facing towards Phil, rolls over to look at the wall.

“Dan,” Phil calls gently. “What’s wrong?” he asks again after Dan doesn’t respond.

He rolls back over slowly, stopping on his back.

“Stop,” Dan says, already defeated even though he’s only said one word. Phil doesn’t want to think about how many times Dan would have said that in his life only to have it completely ignored. Phil’s not going to be one of those people.

“Okay, sorry,” Phil tells him. He lends back in his chair. “Can I tell you stories to fill the silence? Until you’re ready to talk, anyway.”

Dan lulls his head to the side, blinking slowly at Phil before nodding. So Phil tells the first story he can think of. It’s of young Phil and how he got accused of vandalism but it ended up being the son of the complaining woman. It makes Phil miss his childhood. It wasn’t perfect, and life is certainly much better now, but there’s something simple about being a child. Phil didn’t have to worry about bills or his patients. He didn’t have to worry he wasn’t enough or that he was going to hurt them. He never wanted to hurt Victor.

He was terrified. A few days before Victor came into the emergency department, Dr Forrest was stabbed. It happened right outside the hospital at the end of Phil’s shift. He saw it with his own two eyes.

A man who had demanded to see Dr Forrest did it. She’d had an emergency with Emily, her daughter, that day, though. She hadn’t seen any of her in-patients, let alone out-patients. This guy decided he deserved to be seen though, and when he saw Dr Forrest leaving at the end of the day, having not called him, he went up to her and stabbed her.

Phil had shouted, startling the guy and making him yank the knife back out. It was a big chopping knife, the blade glinting in the light of the accident and emergency sign. Phil remembers vividly how terrified the guy looked, as if he’d been the one stabbed.

Phil was already running towards them, desperate to help Dr Forrest. The man thought Phil was going for him, though, and he did something Phil can never unsee. He sliced his own throat, spraying blood everywhere. Some got on Phil and he remembers wiping it off his cheek with the back of his hand. Other doctors had come out by this point, some rushing over to the man and others helping Dr Forrest onto a stretcher.

She was fine, in the end. She was very lucky. The injury was quite deep but narrowly missed her liver, meaning she really only needed to be sewn up. She still took two weeks off of work to recover, though. Phil had his first shifts on his own at that point.

He hadn’t felt particularly anxious. At least, he doesn’t remember feeling anxious. But when Dr Forrest came back, something in Phil changed. Suddenly nothing was safe enough.

He started walking everywhere because cars and busses were far too dangerous. Cars were driven by reckless people and busses had strangers on them – strangers that could have anything in their parker pockets.

He wasn’t any better at work. Every needle was biding its time to come to life and stab him, giving him all sorts of diseases. At least, that’s what his anxiety-riddled mind told him.

Victor came in a week after Dr Forrest’s return. She was going to help him with the patient but there was a severely anorexic woman who needed immediate attention. Phil assured her he was fine, even if he knew he wasn’t really.

Victor was complaining of unexplainable stomach pains. Phil did the usual checks the ED doctors do and, like them, found nothing wrong. When Phil started asking about his mental health — how he was feeling, if he was stressed and so on — the man started getting aggressive.

He stood up off the bed and towered over Phil, even though he himself is pretty tall. The man was buff, too, which didn’t help Phil’s fears. Every time he blinked, images of Dr Forrest lying on the ground flashed in front of him.

He remembers telling the man to back up, multiple times. He didn’t and Phil’s heart had ended up in his throat. He doesn’t remember grabbing the scalpel and holding it out towards the man, shouting for him to get away from him. He doesn’t remember Dr Forrest running from the other side of the ED to calm him, nor does he remember a security guard wrapping their arms around him, keeping him pinned.

He realises he stopped the story of his childhood somewhere along the line. He shakes himself out of the memory. What happened afterwards isn’t important. He did his two weeks suspension. He did daily therapy. He’s better now. At least, that’s what he tells himself.

“Sorry,” Phil says sheepishly. “Got lost in thought, I guess.”

“It’s okay. I spend lots of time thinking,” Dan answers, just barely smiling.

“Yeah?” Dan nods. “What about?”

Phil watches Dan curl in on himself, pulling the blanket up so it’s tucked right under his chin. Phil takes the hint.

“That’s okay, we don’t have to talk about it now. We can talk later when you’re transferred.”

“‘Transferred’?”

Phil nods. “Well, yeah. After you’re cleared, you’ll be discharged and it goes without saying that there’s a bed waiting for you in the psychiatric ward.”

Dan flinches. “No,” he says blankly.

Phil opens his mouth to argue – to ensure Dan that it’s the best option for him — but he knows he can’t push Dan. It’s too risky. The man barely opens up as it is, pushing him will only make it worse.

“It’s a bad idea for you not to,” Phil says gently, being very careful of his word choice, “but I can’t force you to.”

Phil watches Dan roll onto his side so he’s facing Phil, but he won’t look Phil in the eyes again. They flick up to his eyes before retreating, just like the first time they met.

“Will I be homeless again if I refuse?” Dan asks, voice slightly shaky even though he clearly tried for it not to be. Phil chooses to ignore it.

“Well, ideally you’d have agreed to go into the ward but I understand that’s difficult for you. I’ve already checked with the hospital and they’ve allowed you to stay with me after you’re cleared.”

Dan stays silent and Phil waits for the information to sink in. After a long pause, Dan’s eyes flick to Phil’s again. “Is that what you want?”

“I’m happy to have you stay with me.”

Dan’s brows furrow. “But is it what you want?” He sounds so scared and vulnerable, as if Phil’s going to pull the rug from beneath his feet at any second.

Phil holds in a sigh. “I want you to go into in-treatment but if that’s not an option, then I want you to stay with me. At least I’ll still know you’re safe.”

“Okay,” Dan says. Phil hears a ‘code blue’ alarm but remembers he’s not on shift. By the time he looks back, Dan’s got a small smile on his lips while he stares at his blanket-covered feet.

“You will have to stay in the general ward for a bit though. After a coma, we like to keep people for supervision just to make sure they’re okay. You’ll probably be transferred soon, though. Actually, let me go check.” Phil stands up and leaves after seeing Dan nod.

“Excuse me, when will Daniel be discharged?” he asks one of the nurses at the desk. He watches them click away at the computer for a few seconds before looking up.

“We’re just waiting on your order, Dr Lester. Once you clear him, I’ll start the transfer process.”

Phil nods. “Okay then, well, he’s cleared.”

The nurse nods and returns to typing away at the computer.

~~~~

Half an hour later, Dan’s in the general recovery ward. He’s just had his cannula replaced and is feeling sleepy from the medication. Phil stayed with him the whole time since he didn’t have anything else to do.

“I’m pretty tired myself,” Phil says after watching Dan yawn. “How about you get some sleep and I’ll come back later?”

Dan blinks at him before slowly nodding. Anyone, with or without a medical degree, could tell Dan’s basically asleep already.

“Bye, Dan,” Phil says quietly, standing from his uncomfortable seat and going to the nurses.

“Heading home?” One of them asks.

Phil nods and yawns. “Dan’s asleep too. I’ll come back during my next shift and check on him.”

The nurse nods. “My shift’s almost over but I’ll personally make sure everything gets transferred to the day shift people.”

“Thank you,” Phil says. “Night.” He pauses. “Well, morning.” He laughs at himself. “Bye.”

The nurse laughs lightly too. “See ya, Dr Lester.”

By the time Phil’s back at his apartment, the sky’s already a light blue. It’s still early enough that the sunrise hasn’t tinted the sky orange but it definitely gets easier to see with each minute that goes by.

Phil doesn’t even remember unlocking his front door and toeing off his shoes. He doesn’t remember pulling his shirt off but being too tired to take his pants off. He doesn’t remember crashing on his bed, not even bothering to wrap himself in the warm blankets of his unmade bed.

~~~~

He almost wakes up late for work the next – well, the same – day. In fact, he has barely enough time to make himself a coffee before he’s rushing out the door and hailing a cab. He’d never make it using public transport.

After telling the cabbie where he needs to go, he grabs his phone from his pocket. It’d been there all night and he almost forgot to grab it when he changed pants in such a rush.

“Shit,” Phil whispers quietly to himself. He hardly ever swears, it’s just not in his nature. Right now though, with his phone flashing ‘low battery’ at him, he feels it’s necessary. He sighs to himself. Of course he forgot to plug his phone in. Phil resigns himself to staring out the window. At least the hospital is reasonably close.

“Right, here we are,” the cabbie says. Phil takes a second to admire his rough, northern accent. It reminds him of his family home up North, when he took the bus to school every morning. The driver always had a rough voice, just like this man’s.

“Thank you,” Phil says, handing over the money after the cabbie tells him the price. He just had enough in his wallet, thankfully. Phil doesn’t want to imagine the awkwardness of not being able to pay properly. He feels his heart sink in his chest just at the idea. He pushes the anxiety away, though. He’s got work to do.

“Morning,” Nurse Abi greets, tightening her ponytail as she does so.

Phil, despite being still half-asleep, musters up the energy to smile and return the greeting. He pushes the staffroom door open and slowly makes his way to his locker. He still doesn’t understand why he has a locker in the emergency department instead of the psychiatric ward. Sure, his speciality is technically emergency psychiatry but he’s in the ward on the fourth floor most of the time.

Half the time he leaves his belongings in Dr Forrest’s office, because at least that’s on the right floor, but he left his stuff here after his last shift so he has to pick it up anyway. He plugs his phone into the small cable coming through the back of his locker. After making sure his phone is actually charging – because the cables tend to be quite temperamental — he closes his locker and heads back into the emergency department.

“Phil!” someone calls, surprising him. Everyone calls him Dr Lester here. Well, everyone except–

“Kyle, hey,” Phil greets. “How’d you sleep?”

“Like shit, fucking neighbours again.”

Phil laughs. “You need to submit a complaint.”

“I have!” Kyle insists. “Multiple times. My landlord just doesn’t give a crap.” He runs his fingers through his quiff. “Anyway, how about you? Any annoying neighbours keep you up?”

“No annoying neighbours,” Phil answers. “Got called in right after you left though so I spent pretty much all night here.”

“Oof, what for?”

“Dan woke up.”

Kyle blinks. “Oh, that’s– that’s not what I was expecting.”

“What were you expecting?”

“I don’t know, just not that.”

Phil laughs again.

“He’s in the general ward now for surveillance. After that, he’ll be discharged.”

“Into the psych ward?”

Phil shakes his head. “He refused.”

Kyle’s brows furrow. “Can’t you like, I don’t know, force people when they’re a danger to themselves or others?”

“Only for a maximum of five days. And Dan hasn’t shown any indication of being dangerous to himself or others.”

“You said he said he was suicidal.”

Phil shrugs. “But he hasn’t actually tried anything from what I know. The rules are stupid but I have to follow them. Unless I have reason to believe he’s actually going to hurt himself or someone else, there’s nothing I can do. And being suicidal doesn’t mean he’s going to actually try. Besides, I want him to actually trust me.”

“I guess. Seems a bit dumb to me but I’m not a shrink so,” Kyle says, using the word ‘shrink’ because he knows it annoys Phil. He just rolls his eyes though, choosing to ignore it this time. He’s too tired to bant with Kyle right now.

“Dr Baker, room 4!” a nurse calls suddenly. Kyle grins at Phil quickly before rushing off, grabbing the tablet from the nurse and rushing into the room.

Phil stands to the side for a second before he sees a nurse wave him over.

“Here,” he says, holding out a small slip of paper.

Phil takes it with a “thank you,” and flips it around to read it.

Dr Lester,

Pt Daniel Howell → ICU.

Code blue.

Next Chapter

#phan #phanfiction #phanfic #phandom #daniel howell #danisnotonfire #philip lester #phil lester #amazingphil #christy's writing #Let the Human In Fic

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