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#just something i've been noticing
shegoesbyjoy · 1 year
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there's an unusually prevalent belief that Disco Elysium doesn't refer to a motor carriage as a "car" in-game, or that "Dolores Dei" is favored over the word "god"
but if you look at the game's dialogue, both of those words are very much a part of everyday vernacular within Revachol
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a car drove / car keys / car crashes / a sunken car
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swear to god / god knows / thank god / in the name of god
and just for fun, here's the use of both within the same chunk of dialogue:
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rubbcrhosemoved · 6 months
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I still don't get this mentality that some people have that some of them throw these massive fits over how some artists will choose to draw some of the characters as human. Like for example some people draw Ozzie's "human" form as black where as some others will draw him white and for some reason, this rubs people the wrong way. Yeah, I get it that his VA is indeed black but what I don't get is why people get upset about this when Ozzie doesn't even have a human form to begin with (that we know of anyways) as he's a DEMON so how can you get upset about that? I'd understand if someone was to draw Barbie Wire for instance as anything than what we've seen of her because to me that makes sense as we've been shown what her human form looks like but this doesn't. Like... I'm all for representation and for me I do see Ozzie as black (much like I do my Mammon honestly) but that's just my personal HC for him and if someone wants to draw him as anything but then that's fine by me.
We're just sorta getting into this day and age where people throw the biggest fits over the smallest things sometimes and it leaves a lot of people scared to show their own work sometimes in fear that they'll be cancelled or doxxed or whatever just because they choose to draw something in a certain way. There's a difference between being outright hateful with your art and someone who is just learning or has a preference for drawing a certain thing but that doesn't reflect how they are as a person. I don't know. Just something that's been bothering me I guess.
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killyourrdarlingss · 1 year
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I take such personal offence when people only assume the worst out of me actually
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breakbeatbun · 9 months
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y'all have gotta learn to act normal about other people's characters
just bc you think they're hot doesn't mean the person who made them wants to know if, or how, you'd fuck them. i feel like that's common sense. it doesn't make it OK now just because it's not a real person you're sexualizing. you don't know what they mean to the person who made them, and if you do, well what the fuck, then.
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blueskittlesart · 10 months
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do u have any navi thoughts from your oot replay
i've been waiting to answer this until I actually beat the game in my current playthrough because navi is another one of those characters that i think of in like a "set" with several other characters who serve relatively the same thematic purpose; in this case that purpose being the "mother" character, and i wanted to have all the characters in that set fresh in my mind. it's notable that while oot shows us very clear and consistent instances of the ways in which the adults of hyrule fail to protect their children, there ARE several adults who DO go out of their way to both oppose ganondorf and protect and nurture the children under their care. All of these characters are adult women, and all of them explicitly help the children out of some sort of parental responsibility or sense of duty towards them. in this group I include link's late mother, impa, nabooru, and navi.
all 4 mother characters, despite being adults or adult-coded, reject the inaction mentality which characterizes other adults in the game. they become either direct supports or shields to their children from the conflict the world has to offer them, and they are always explicitly punished for their interference--link's mother is killed trying to protect her son, impa's village is burned, nabooru is brainwashed. The mother's fatal flaw is that she will protect her child above all else, even in a world in which children cannot truly be protected. however, with the exception of link's mother, these characters manage to persist even in the face of her punishment, and this is where I think navi becomes the exemplary character.
Navi, after a lifetime of being link's only support system, the only adult in his life he could truly, consistently count on, receives her punishment at the hands of ganondorf--in the final battle, she is pushed out. she is unable to reach her child. she cannot protect him. However, BECAUSE link has grown up with her at his side, he is strong enough to take ganondorf down. and when ganon rises again, navi is there to support link, promising not to leave his side, and the intuitive targeting of that battle (a mechanic which navi is inherently tied to!!) makes it a cinch to win. Navi, and the other mothers we meet, are a reminder to the player that the world doesn't HAVE to be the way it is. Their persistence when punished, their insistence that their children ought to be protected, is a reminder that good adults do exist, and that good adults raise good children. link and zelda are able to win in spite of the adults who refused to help them, but also BECAUSE of the adults who DID. It's a reinforcement of the core theme of oot--that childlike idea that the world SHOULD be good and fair and if it isn't, it should be changed until it is. The mothers of oot are examples of what the world COULD be, reminders that it is possible to grow up without losing hope or growing bitter, and they are examples of the next step for the children they've raised to change the word--to continue fighting even in the face of punishment, to refuse inaction, and to foster that same hope and persistence in the generations to come.
#one thing i've really been noticing this time around is the specific way in which navi's targeting works#because even though other 3d games have that targeting mechanic navi's targeting is noticeably different#in two ways. the first being that she specifically targets weak spots in enemies almost as if she is pointing them out to link#and the second being that she is capable of targeting things link himself doesn't see#whether it be invisible enemies or triggers that are out of his reach or scarecrow points or whatever#it's really reminiscent to me of the way you teach problem solving skills to a kid. you see them struggling with something and beginning to#get frustrated and you say 'hey let's look around. do you see any solutions?' and if they can't see the solution themself you might point#and say 'hey what's that?' just to get their attention on it and help facilitate that train of thought for them#because like in most other games targeting is sort of assumed to be link's own intuition in battle#and therefore it will usually allow you to focus on one enemy within a swarm of them but it won't explicitly light up the weak spot for you#navi does that for link because she's essentially the mother teaching her kid how to problem-solve.#and when she's taken away in the final battle link is able to fight anyway BECAUSE she put so much time and effort into raising him#that he no longer needs her to facilitate that problem-solving process. he already knows how to beat ganondorf#because he's done it with her before. and that's exactly the mother's role in her child's life#protect him and raise him as best you can so that when you can no longer be by his side he isn't afraid.#foster that sense of justice and encourage him to keep fighting to change the world even when it seems unchangeable.#god. ocarina of fucking time#zelda analysis#asks
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gayofthefae · 3 months
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It's not even about the fact that they didn't hug. It's about the fact that having ANY interaction then standing there awkwardly for a second too long after is a romantic trope
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anonymous-dentist · 6 months
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the thing that has been pissing me off the most in those whole qjaiden/fear room situation is the hypocrisy, really (and not talking about the charater hypocrisy even if she was actually being kinda of hypocritical)
i'm talking about the hypocrisy of the vast majority of the fans lmao like when qforever came up and invaded bobby fields everyone went for his ass (rightfully so) but when it's her doing something similar it's ok and she's just being silly! bc apparently it's just her who can have a secret safe spot and have her feelings hurt ig
it's a very curious phenomenon in this fandom that i think it came from it having different povs and each being in a different language probably, but it really seems to me that to some people the only characters that have the right to be defended, and do something wrong and all of that is the ones they keep up with. otherwise, then they can be execrated and all of that
It's because the only characters allowed to be criticized are the Brazilian characters tbh, the English fandom gets really pissy when you criticize their favs, the French fandom is too busy criticizing itself half the time to pay attention to the others, and the poor Hispanic fandom is down to two active povs to pay attention to. But, if you've paid attention over the last several months, it's always the Brazilian characters getting shit for things the other characters have also done.
It's like you said with qForever and qJaiden's parallels here, but there's another parallel between them that people went crazy over last month with the Happy Pills arc when qForever made that fake house for Richarlystone and qJaiden fans went "Good, it's what he deserves", and like. No? Nobody said that qJaiden "deserved" to lose herself briefly in her grief and build Bobby Fields, but qForever "deserved" to be forcibly drugged by Cucurucho and deluded into building a house just like Bobby Fields to memorialize his son as best as his fuzzy mind could.
And then there's everybody always giving qCellbit shit for him infiltrating the Federation and pretending to be Normal about it while actively encouraging qFoolish's very similar arc, because qCellbit is apparently the evil one here because he isn't telling other people, even though he has been telling people it's a literal infiltration mission for months now.
qForever starting to sort of get along with Cucurucho? It means he's been corrupted by the Feds and he's evil and should be kicked out of office. qJaiden being actual best friends with Cucurucho? She's just being silly!
qBad being right for getting upset over characters getting into his closed-off areas of his base versus the English fandom getting very angry at Brazilian fans getting annoyed over qJaiden breaking into a very very very closed-off area of qCellbit's base.
qFoolish was just silly when he arrested qPac and qMike, but I can guarantee that if it was qMike arresting qFoolish or something that he'd be given so much shit for "false imprisonment" or something. Because that's just how this fandom works.
This issue used to actually apply to the Hispanic characters, too, because I remember the English fandom getting furious when qVegetta set up turrets specifically because qBad kept breaking into his house back in early April, because that was unfair!! qSpreen challenged qBad to a fight and, if he won, he was going to be allowed to take one of Dapper's lives was evil and irredeemable, but qSlime running around for several hours trying to murder every single egg on the server was just him being silly. qMariana being called a murderer for legitimately accidentally misclicking poor Flippa versus qSlime killing Tilin being called an accident (which it was, to be clear.)
I can guarantee that qRoier would have gotten So Much Shit from the English fandom back in April if they actually watched his pov and realized that he was the one that started spreading rumors about qQuackity trying to kill the eggs and effectively rigging the Strip Club Interrogation to make qQuackity look more evil than he actually was and basically singlehandedly causing poor qQuackity's downfall just as he swore to in early April that the English fans would have been furious. But, because he doesn't interact too often with the English members outside of Foolish and Jaiden, he's labeled Just A Silly Guy and he's promptly ignored, which is probably for the better tbh considering how they treat the other Latin American characters.
TLDR; the English characters are the only ones not allowed to be criticized while the Latin American characters are always the ones criticized, especially the Brazilians, and it's super fucking weird considering this is a global server and everything
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swiftiephobe · 9 months
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i don't have the energy to elaborate on this point but i've been thinking a lot lately about people nowadays getting into hobbies/fandoms/communities and then just not caring to understand the history of said community and appreciate what came before them
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why-the-heck-not · 1 year
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21.11.22, monday
always a mindfuck when you go outside and it has snowed about 10cm since u last stepped out, and it’s suddenly very “middle of the winter” and even tho u knew it was coming, you did not mentally nor physically prepare for it. So now you’re there with no scarf, no hat, useless gloves, leather jacket, and a very confused sleep schedule. And it’s never “ah it’s winter soon” oh no. It’s sunshine and then *WHOOMP* winter started overnight didn’t u get the memo???
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phoenixcatch7 · 2 years
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Love the idea of each previous hero's journey being mostly lost to time, such that each time the cycle starts again absolutely no one picks up the very obvious clues that might lead them to the hero.
Oh, you've named your blond haired blue eyed child Link, have you? That's a good name!
Oh, he's found a strange red and white maned horse he's named epona who has utterly bonded with him? How unusual!
Yes, the princess Zelda is the same age, isn't she? What a good omen for the family!
We know he doesn't talk much, but he's the sweetest lad, don't worry!
Don't fret, dearie, his wanderlust will abate when he grows up, I'm sure it won't get him in too much trouble before then.
Prodigious little swordsman, isn't he? He would make a great knight if he wanted to when he's older!
Oh? Rumours about a long forgotten temple in the woods? How strange! Are you sure it's not just the children telling stories?
Look at him in his armoured green outfit! That hat looks lovely on him - where did you find it?
#It's so funny#In just about every Zelda I've played there's been about a hundred signs link is In The Building and no one ever notices#Twilight Princess was the absolute worst everyone just kept bringing up Its The Hero stuff and it just was not clicking#By the time we got to epona I was half tempted to make a bingo card#Heck he even has a tree house!!#Strong oot time genes there XD#There's something about loading up a Zelda game and going 'yup. This is a Zelda game alright' but NO ONE in universe notices#YOU ACTUALLY LIVE THERE YOU GUYS STUDY THIS IN HISTORY CLASS#it also opens up the great trope of link casually knowing stuff from previous lives he absolutely shouldn't and nobody taking it seriously#Until he comes back with the master sword#Some of those games were particularly bonkers and if the specifics never got recorded then there's no way anyone would believe them#A zora princess tried to marry the hero?? Lmao try writing fanfic#Listen I know it says the hero came from the woods but kokiri don't exist he would have just lived in a cottage or something#How dare you besmirch the hero's honour! He would never lower himself to base property damage! Never mind pots!#No hylian can ever wrestle a goron are you insane??#Talking boat.... Sure#But you just KNOW Zelda would get some scholars and they'd hang off his every word#I love fics where link just casually references some world shaking knowledge (ie rito being zora descended and their own squid ancestors)#Or what the divine beasts were named after#Or what time travel feels like#Or that the myths hylians came from the skies are true#Or what one Zelda did when she vanished centuries ago#Or what the giant skeletons were#That kind of thing#Sorry I rambled#long post#legend of zelda#loz#loz zelda#loz link
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man I'm absolutely stupid. how did it take me weeks to realize every single characters name in Frieren is just a random word???
German is my first language, wtf???
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zebratimw · 10 months
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#svsss#scum villains self saving system#shang qinghua#how I be feeling these days ahdnfjgkg#I keep stressing about life in general and its seriously bumming me out hajdjg#how nice it would be to not exist#everyday I wake up and do the same things I hate#time hasn't felt real in years and it goes way before covid times#I haven't felt real in most of those years either#Look I'm lucky I'm not like depressed or whatever but frankly this derealization shit is seriously startin to get a little worrying at times#tbf I only really notice it recently so maybe its just a bias#I've been chugging along this way for years all thats changed is my perception of it#but at the same time I really want to do more too#I get I'm a very boring and unreliable person#and I know I just said its my perception of it but like I do genuinely think my social skills my general living just like me mentally ig#I'm kinda deteriorating in my stagnation ig? artistically too but more worrying in my life idbfjg#priorities sorry anyways I also think I do have adhd or something and that rejection thing dhfjgjg I really can't start things anymore#idk I really just feel so clueless in most things now and I'm too scared or too confused or both to start fixing things#like how do I even fix things? what do I even search for in this kind of thing?#Idk I'm just gonna go sleep ig god I'm so tired of everything#I haven't been able to draw I've really lost passion for a lot of things again and everything irritates me#I can't stand my phone sometimes but it's kinda the only thing getting me through it all ha#ngl I wish I were depressed sometimes if only so I'd actually have the balls to do smth but Ik that's just the Metnally Ail part speaking so#chug chug going along#I also have to make wushi before I die. haha#god my life is so empty#what am I even doing#I'm really so tired why can't my life end here already? modern lifespans are too long how am I supposed to keep going on like this?#so pointless and vapid and its just me ? why did it have to be me that was born? couldn't someone else have been here I hate it here so much#I strive for nothing but I have such a long life and so many people to disappoint haha maybe I should go outside more
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anomalouscorvid · 10 months
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artfight attack on OlayColay, @simcardiac-arrested, @pansear-doodles, @mothwingedmyths, and @delirious-basement, with small appearances of a character from @silkysong and a character from @skyistheground!
or, to be more specific, this drawing has the Vinki, No Way Back, Nine Linen Lanes, Melodic Cries, Momma Spot, Barbecue Sauce, and Great Fields Beheld in the flesh/metal/???light projection???, with Anthro AU Artificer, Great Fields Beheld (again), No Way Back (again), a Very 100% Normal Slugpup, and a Neuron Pup as graffiti
(i was originally planning to have more characters as graffiti, but forgot unfortunately)
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aaapplepie · 10 months
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so I was going through Elowen's introduction again for research purposes and also bc I love her and I noticed
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she specifically says she's been looking for Sage for three years. assuming she wasn't just like, hanging out for two years before she decided to go hunt him down, that suggests either a) no one was sure who killed Lucan and it took them a while to figure it out or b) she didn't hear about Lucan's death until two years after it happened.
(I'm leaning towards b because it's angstier because she recognizes signs of corruption in Sage but gets completely blindsided by Lucan's transformation, so it's possible she wasn't around to notice what was happening to him.)
it's just a theory but can you fucking imagine. her baby brother was dead for two years and she just didn't know, and she finally tracks down his killer but instead of finally getting justice she learns he was corrupted the whole time and she didn't know about that either!! I'm going insane. someone get her a blanket or something.
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vargaslovinghours · 10 months
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Fandom: Johnny the Homicidal Maniac (But really Vargas lol) Rating: Teen and up Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
What, exactly, did Scriabin take from Edgar when they separated?
My first multichapter fic for Vargas! :D Yay!
(Pls read Ch. 1 first - Ch. 2 is also recommended, but as long as you're caught up on the first, you're good to go!)
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Side B
What the fuck.
"It's, it's possible that if, maybe whatever happened earlier, whatever caused all that blood and for us to be knocked unconscious-"
What the fuck.
"-and if I suffered a head injury, then maybe-"
No. That's enough.
Scriabin pushed away from the closet door he'd defensively pressed himself up against and put his hands on Edgar's shoulders, which quieted him. He looked at him expectantly, with eyes that Scriabin somehow only just now realized were casually guarded, curious, uncertain in a way that denoted inexperience. That was so messed up, that was completely wrong. Edgar should've been on guard, absolutely, but only because he knew exactly what Scriabin was capable of. He really didn't want to look at him right now if this was what he was going to be seeing instead.
He spun him quickly and pushed him out the door before he could protest. He got one last look at those wide, confused eyes before he slammed the door behind him, bracing it shut with both hands for good measure.
What. The fuck. His head came forward, making a dull thud as his forehead connected with the door. He doesn't remember me? His fingers curled on the door. What does he mean he doesn't remember me?! How could he not know me?! One hand pushed through his hair; his scalp tingled and that was so weird, he felt it and it was so weird- We literally just- He literally just-! As if pulling him screaming into life wasn't bad enough, now he had decided to play some sick prank!
This can't be true. It's just like him to try and make jokes at the worst possible time, he has no tact.
There was a timid knock on the other side of the door. Scriabin jumped as it resonated through his skull, his elbow, pressed to the door with his hand buried in his hair, set his jaw. Then silence.
If he was really trying to get back in, clear things up, say he was only kidding, he'd actually try.
Nothing.
Scriabin's blood was ice as he went over it again. The way he'd said his name. The vacant look in his eyes as he said it, like his mouth knew its shape but none of the meaning. No fear, no realization, nothing that really felt like Edgar, just sound, just noise.
Maybe he really had-
Oh god. His knees gave out, and his arms had no practice at holding him upright, not yet. His hand slid down the door, his other hand guarding his head as his hair fluffed against the grain.
How could he do this
This is all his fault
Stupid, idiotic
He can't do this to me
I can't believe him
I can't believe this
How dare he leave me alone like this
Thoughts spiralling, and all he could do was hold himself down, press his fingers into the back of his neck, force his chest to his knees and maybe he wouldn't immolate under it all. He was shaking, from tension or fear he couldn't tell, his mind too hazardous and loud to cut through it all. He was shaking, dizzy, and if he moved, letting go would surely kill him.
He can't do this to me.
He breathed. And breathed. And swallowed. Eyes closed, heart pounding, sure. Confusion and dismay, whatever. Pain. Fine. So be it.
This isn't like me. A hand untethered from his vice grip in his hair, and he stayed attached to the floor. It connected with the carpet below him and became a new lifeline. He pushed up and away into a limp sit, arms already burning slightly from holding himself up after all that. He shook his head mildly. This isn't who I'm going to be in life. His body, this fear response be damned, he was in control now.
Regroup. Let's- a mental pause, barely a quarter of a second long as he turned the word in his head. Let's pretend it's all true- what does that mean?
He flopped over, leaned upright with his back against the door, heels of his fists pushed down into the carpet to scootch closer. Moving was so awkward still, very unfitting.
He was acting normal. Well, Edgar's baseline for "normal" had changed considerably, so maybe put an asterisk on that. Not that he was ever normal to begin with, but normal-for-Edgar, -ish. That means he has to have some memory.
Scriabin held out a hand, arm slung over his knee, one finger held out. He had recognized his glasses. One. The apartment. Two. Which key to use. Three. He had said Todd's name. Four.
His stuff can be discounted, he's had all that for a while. Back down to one. The kid is a new fixture. Which means he remembers the last couple months at least. He shook his head and brought his hand up to comb through his hair. Well...it's fuzzy for me, so it probably is for him, too. Scriabin remembered everything in as much clarity as the last couple months allowed, there was no way Edgar would know more even if he had all his memories.
Speaking of which, Scriabin could remember everything. He flipped through; the last two months and bringing Todd in, Edgar's parting words to Johnny, his and Devi's conversation - he grit his teeth - and further back, everything along the way, all the way back. False dreams, shared childhoods, everything that was once Edgar's alone, he still remembered it. Nothing was out of place which made it all the more strange!
This is so fucking weird, if I remember everything, then why would he-
He stopped short. His purported purpose had been to replace Edgar. Take him over completely. If he bought into the conceit for a moment, just to play in the space... He was alive now. That was not as intended; it shouldn't even have been possible.
Did he...give me his memories? Like, all the way? Not just to borrow, to shape him, give him legitimacy - he was alive now. His own person. Separate, embodied, and whole. Was this the price of life?
That's stupid. But possible, he couldn't discount. If this - he brought his hands up and looked down at them, watched himself touch his own chest and felt it beneath his coat, shirt, the nerves firing as his slid his fingers up himself - if this was possible, then...
He continued for a moment, curious and reverant, all of him new and privately exciting, to exist and to touch, to feel, smell, see, all of it clear and fresh and penetrated deeply into his mind, as if a layer of film had been lifted from his senses. The moment passed as the memories, unbidden but important, cluttered in around him again.
There were still a lot of questions, and most of them couldn't be answered without Edgar, ugh. If getting anything out of him before had been like pulling teeth, he was very sobered to think about how it might be now. Depending on how much Edgar remembered, maybe he could start piecing things together.
Did he do it on purpose? Did he know this would happen? There's no way he would have been willing to if he had- But he couldn't ask him things like that. Even if he did remember, admitting something like that...
He was just spinning his wheels at this point. Better to gather what he could from the man himself. He looked up, preparing to stand.
Ah-
The room was still in something of a state.
Edgar would be annoying, or at least distracted by trying to pick up the clothes and uncarefully unpacked items strewn about the floor from Scriabin's very successful excavation of his old glasses. The clutter would have to go if he wanted his full attention.
He grumbled as he pushed off the door to pick up the first few things. First day of life and I'm already his maid. Figures. He's always needed me to clean up after him.
Silence.
Somehow it only just hit him. Thinking alone in the late hours, planning things behind Edgar's back, it was nothing new. But a barb unsunk into his mental flesh was left out in the wide emptiness, poised to stab whoever happened upon it next, and he was the only one here.
He felt very small all of a sudden, and he didn't like it at all.
His eyes blankly scanned the room, looking for nothing, until they settled on the toy at Edgar's bedside. His toy.
He dropped the items he'd bundled into his arms and made his way over. He picked up the small simulacrum, turned it over in his hands once, and stared at it.
He wouldn't know this. Not really. He brushed a thumb up and over the little mouth, the contours of its small face. Retroactively, I've never been this at all.
I'm no one to him.
Does this mean we can start over? The thought struck him like lightning, freezing his heart in his chest. He was fixed solid, staring down at the small figure in his hands.
Before he could even think, he'd already thrown it through the open closet door, landing noisily in the box he'd dug through with a clatter. He grabbed up the fallen clothes and items and stuffed them back in the box, burying the toy in mundane detritus, then closed the cardboard flaps and slammed the door of the closet for good measure.
His breath was laboured and he glared, like wishing it gone would make the closet itself disappear.
Answers. He needed answers, more than anything.
He ripped the door open, and there was Edgar who looked up, staring dumbly back at him and carrying the clothes he'd shed earlier over his arm. Something in his mind clicked over, and he didn't think about it.
"Alright," he caught his breath for half a second, "what do you remember?"
Edgar just kept on staring, mouth open, eyes unconfident behind weak glasses. Scriabin huffed irritably, I don't have time for this, and moved towards him, arm outstretched.
"Come on." Edgar gave a small startled sound behind him as he grabbed his collar and dragged him through the doorway. He threw him across the room, not bothering to watch his arc as he closed the door behind him. The bed was that way, he'd be fine.
When he turned back, Edgar had managed to catch himself, though already halfway on the bed. Scriabin stood with his back to the door, feet planted and he crossed his arms. No more speculating around impossibilities, tangible and present as they might be, it was time for a proper interrogation. It was at least preferable to-
Edgar made a face at him and scooted back, offering a seat next to him on the bed. Equal footing briefly flashed through his mind and while he wouldn't consider it ideal, nothing today was really going his way. He sighed, then made his way over and sat across from Edgar, who was eyeing him with a certain degree of caution. At least the feeling was mutual.
"Spill." He re-crossed his arms and leaned towards Edgar. "What do you know?"
Edgar hesitated, apparently thinking, his hands laced and fingers agitatedly if quietly rubbing the backs of his hands.
"I want to verify some things first."
Scriabin snorted dismissively. Where had Edgar's overly-trusting nature gone? A serial killer, well he's an honoured guest, but Scriabin? He didn't even distrust him for the right reasons.
He gestured with an open hand, Go ahead, then tucked his arm back in.
"Todd's last name?"
Pfsh. At least it was proof enough that anything Edgar knew, Scriabin did as well. As expected.
"Casil. His stupid bear's called Shmee in case you forgot that too." Edgar shook his head. No he hadn't? If only he could just check!
"Do you know our phone number?" Obviously he did, so he rattled it off quickly, Edgar nodding in turn. He flipped his hair in time with the last digit, careful to keep his eyes covered. It was a bit of a timid attempt, being the first in this body, which was a minor blessing he supposed.
Edgar mulled over what he'd given him for a moment, then a moment longer, then a moment even longer. His eyes searched absently, gazing down into his own hand, his other on his chin, lightly thumbing his goatee. He was focused on names and numbers, but those were child's play compared to everything, everything Scriabin still wanted to know. It was frustrating on a visceral level, watching him struggle with such simple innocuous nothings while the most important person in his life was sitting right in front of him.
He was supposed to be the most important.
It was frustrating.
"You really don't remember anything, do you?" He didn't hide the sneer as it shaped his voice - odd the way his body just did that now, did things without him actively thinking them into being. Even things like the little waver that made its way in that he pushed back down and under. He was frustrated, angry, tired - any emotionality could be attributed to those, nothing else.
Edgar didn't answer, just kept his gaze locked to his face. That was almost worse. Watching him fumble through things, it wasn't fun, but at least he wasn't trying to pry. He could see him try to look past his bangs, and the fact that he didn't know better...
Scriabin looked away for a moment, then thought better of it. Best defense is a good offense.
He reached for Edgar's face, for those damn scars, ever-present reminders. Edgar shied away, not wanting to be touched suddenly by someone he didn't know. As if Scriabin had ever cared about that.
Well, things were different now. Maybe he didn't really want to touch him anyway. Not yet.
"Do you remember these...?" Instead he framed his face with his hands less than an inch from his skin, and even there he could feel the heat coming off him. Edgar reached for his face, looking away from Scriabin as he touched the angry red marks. He winced minutely, then glanced back at Scriabin, searching him, his expression guarded again. Scriabin could hear his own pulse in his ears.
"...Johnny?"
"Fuck." Fuck! "Of course you'd remember him but not me." God damn it! It wasn't right, it wasn't fair, just because Johnny came first by a hair's breadth, just because he wasn't in Edgar's head, with Edgar's fucked up little obsession with the murderous stick figure- It limited what he could get away with too, if he remembered that far back. Absolutely nothing was going in his favour.
"I'm sorry..." He sounded genuinely remorseful, and it stuck in his throat. Disgusting. "So you know Johnny, too."
"Unfortunately." Scriabin tucked his chin to his chest, arms crossed again in close proximity. This sucks. Edgar just kept rambling, unaware as ever. His excuses held this time at least, one point in his favour, no points for bringing his annoying habits with him despite everything.
"I don't think I've seen him for a couple months now? Everything's awfully..." He gave a vague gesture and Scriabin uncurled slightly. He was giving him room to contribute. He shook his head.
"You haven't."
"Have you?"
He returned to his tight coil of sulking. Not like he was keen to meet up and chat, but he couldn't explain why he hadn't had the opportunity to either.
"I remember he called, too."
"Ugh," barely above breath. Enough about Johnny! Again, Edgar continued obliviously.
"Although I don't really recall what we talked about, not for a while..."
Of course not. I took over for half of those.
He perked a bit, and Edgar focused more on him, patiently setting his hands in his lap.
"You know."
He could play this to his advantage. Give Johnny some well-deserved karmic justice for fucking him over so many times. It was almost better that Edgar didn't know - Scriabin had been trying to get him away from Johnny all this time, and if he really had forgotten everything, not just the moments when Scriabin took over but every moment they had shared, then that meant it coincided almost perfectly with his first meeting with Johnny. Blank spot after blank spot after blank spot, all lined up immediately after getting his face slashed.
He could work with that.
"It's probably trauma." Edgar startled and his hand shot to his temple, lightly touching his hair.
"Like, head trauma?" Scriabing almost laughed. Yeah, probably that too. But that wouldn't help his case.
"No." He leaned in, taking a more intimate, secretive tone. "Think about it. When did things start getting fuzzy?" If he was right on this - which of course he was, but not being able to verify, not being able to see that he was right, it was disconcerting - but if he was, Edgar's memories of Scriabin should start with that first fateful encounter, give or take. A bit of reframing here, a touch of implication there... It probably wasn't even an outright lie; if Edgar's memory were perfect after experiencing everything Johnny had put them through, that would be some kind of twisted miracle.
His only real concern was their "childhood" - how much had Scriabin pulled with him? Would that throw off his story? But that was so far back, there was no way Scriabin or Johnny could be implicated in that. As long as Edgar didn't bring it up before he thought his way around it...
Edgar stayed quiet for a long while. His eyes raced behind closed eyelids, searching, scanning, retracing - Scriabin could almost see the moments where he hesitated, stopped and went back, then starting recollecting again. He wished he could see it for real, watch him unfold himself, touch those memories again, hold up his own in contrast. Even just hear Edgar's thoughts as they went by, feel the emotions he felt. But he couldn't, so he just stared as unblinkingly as this new body would allow, just watched as Edgar went over everything on his own.
He finally opened his eyes, staring back into Scriabin's though he was sure they were still hidden. He felt naked and awkward and Edgar still hadn't said anything. If he could just see like he was supposed to, or if Edgar would just tell him, he wouldn't have to ask. I have to do everything around here.
"It was after you met him, wasn't it?"
"You think it's...mental trauma?" An unspoken 'yes.' Relief flooded him, and he pushed ahead.
"Edgar. He stabbed you." Edgar gripped his shoulder, his eyes closing again and he looked to be in pain. That was a very effective reminder at least. "Do you even know why?" He shook his head and spoke throught half-grit teeth.
"I must have made him mad, but I don't remember-" Of course not, I did that.
"Your mind is trying to protect you." Not. But one of us has to with your inexhaustable deathwish. Scriabin reached out to touch him properly, but Edgar pulled away. He didn't follow, still not yet. Play up the pity. "He messed you up so bad," with a curl in his tone, an I told you so that barely made it to words even privately; how long had he been holding that in? "Surely you must've felt like you wanted, you needed to get away from him, that he wasn't good for you, that you-" He'd told him so many times, some it must have stuck, some of it had to have-
"Then-!" Edgar's eyes shot open, wide and desperate with an edge of disbelief. A strangled gasp escaped him, half-choking him as he tried to speak. "Then why can't I remember you?!"
He almost began rolling off the cuff, but really, he still didn't know for sure. And it definitely wasn't like he could tell the truth even if he wanted to; who, who hadn't lived it, would believe him? Edgar certainly wouldn't, not with his lack of imagination. He had to dress this up, weave a narrative that was plausible, had the perfect mix of truth and falsehood to stand up to scrutiny.
Huh. Ironic.
"I..." No. Some of this was Edgar's fault too. "We...argued."
"Argued?"
"I... Mng." He wanted to aim for some kind of levity, but his throat had tightened on him. He just wanted to tell this stupid inside joke and not have it affect him, not have it mean anything, and here he was getting emotional? He'd say it and fucking mean it. "It's not like I'm in your head, so-" spat out in a rush, there, he'd said it. Haha, isn't that so funny. He swallowed harshly, pushing down everything he felt into his stomach acid. He was in control. He was fine. This didn't shake him. "I can't know for sure," another humourless laugh inside, "but I was against your relationship with Johnny. Maybe you shut me out so you could keep seeing him with no pushback."
It certainly wasn't outside the realm of possibilities of what Edgar would do to avoid taking Scriabin's extremely basic advice about fraternizing with serial killers. How many times had he been ignored up to this point, only to culminate in the ultimate 'I don't know what you're talking about.' Pfeh. I bet he wishes he'd thought of this sooner. It did nothing for his painfully stuttered pulse.
"You know, I've been trying to convince you to stop going back to him for a while, but, well..." He waved his hand at Edgar's hand still death gripped into his shoulder, and Edgar averted his eyes guiltily. At least he showed some remorse. Better than his nigh constant apologia.
He stayed quiet a moment longer, and just before Scriabin made to fill the silence again, Edgar struck him with an intense look.
"What are you to me?" Ugh. Of course. There was not a single good answer for that. Even if he told him everything- no, especially if he told him everything, there was no way Edgar would believe him. But coming up with a convincing lie on the spot, when they were so clearly something to each other - even he needed time to come up with something workable. How could he have ever prepared for a situation like this? It was never meant to happen, so many things were never meant to happen!
He continued at Scriabin's silence. "You know Nny," Ugh! Even his awful nickname. "And Todd. And...me." He couldn't refute it, so he nodded tightly. "Do you live here?"
Technically he had, and technically he hadn't. Still, going forward, it would be easier to let Edgar assume that he did. It wasn't like he had anywhere else to go at the moment anyway.
"Yes."
"Are we..." He searched him, looked him over as much as he could and he wasn't subtle about it. If only Scriabin had his proper glasses, he'd let him look as much he wanted, behold his spectacle! As it was, he just felt self-conscious and it was very unbefitting. "...family?"
The baggage on that. He did not feel like opening that particular can of worms in either of their current states. He turned his head and flipped through any number of halfway decent ways to phrase it until he hit on something Edgar would remember. Better not to contradict for now.
"You told Johnny you have no family when you met."
"That's true..." Edgar blinked, processing. "Wait, did I tell you that?" Scriabin startled. Even after he'd accounted for his memory! Of course he had to pick his story apart now, he never knew when to leave well enough alone.
"When you-" No, he had to be involved. "When we bandaged your face."
Edgar mulled on that for a few seconds, taking on a thoughtful pose. "I only remember being alone."
"You don't remember me at all. What do you want from me?" He huffed.
"No, sorry, you're right."
"Thank you." He was right!
Where had Edgar expected him to be? There was something weird about how he'd said it. He filed the thought away for later.
"So, if you've been living here, where..." Edgar looked around the room, then back to Scriabin. "Where have you been sleeping? Todd's already on the couch..."
Scriabin couldn't help as a smile sprung to his face. If he was going to present him with such a perfect opportunity, well, he'd better take it. He even had the decency to look nervous in response! This was too good.
"Would you believe me if I said right here, in bed?" He again tucked his chin, playfully this time, his hair falling further in his eyes. Even through the dark tangles he could make out Edgar's face immediately bristling with heat.
Ooh. That's such a fetching shade on you, my dear.
"But-! I, I haven't been sleeping on the floor!" He was visibly sweating!
"Correct." His smile grew. This was too easy, and he needed an easy win right about now.
"W-" He leaned forward on his legs, though refused to get any closer. When he spoke it was a harsh whisper. "Why...?"
Scriabin shrugged easily, not bothering to reign in his smile in the least. "I mean, where else, right?" He leaned in since Edgar refused to, and oh. He was blushing all the way up to his scalp. Hilarious. "You certainly didn't seem to mind." He couldn't hold back the slightly musical tone or his eyebrows inclination to move on their own. His body knew what he was getting at, and he could see it only increased Edgar's fluster. All the better.
"Well I do now!" Edgar darted up and away, stumbling in his hasty retreat. "If you'll excuse me!" though he was already practically in the hallway by the time he said it. What a display, and Scriabin's laugh was loud and natural.
Finally, something positive. He'd managed to fumble his way through, not his best work in lying or manipulation, but he'd set some important groundwork. He'd gotten some answers, and he could start to shape some more believable stories around them.
The biggest hurdles were Johnny and Devi. As long as Edgar didn't meet with them too soon - or well, at all would be preferable, but he doubted he could just keep him locked up, as much as the idea appealed to him. There were so many things that were possible now, things that he had the ability to do, given the right circumstances... All of that in due time. For now he had a yarn to spin.
He listened as Edgar fumbled in the hall, the sheer sound of cloth being pulled and folded over an arm barely perceptable. Was he really going to try to sleep on what little was left over? Maybe he'd give up once he realized the pickings were thin and beg Scriabin to let him sleep with him. Hah.
While he was out, Scriabin made his way over to the pajamas drawer. They were all old and soft, even just to his hand. They'd do for now, until he could get his own. It wasn't like he hadn't worn all this before anyway.
By the time he'd finished dressing, his clothes discarded on the opposite side of the bed to where Edgar had set up his little nest, Edgar had finally gotten himself a set of pajamas. He wondered for a moment if he'd dress with Scriabin in the room again, though maybe his intense stare drove him off. Who could say. He patted the bed with a wide grin when he returned and was dutifully ignored. He settled down to the side, and Scriabin laid on his arms to look down at him.
"Ugh, lame."
"I don't-"
"Yeah, whatever." He'd heard it all before. At least he could literally look down on him like this. He folded his hands and leaned just a bit further, looking him over. A desire he hadn't realized he had surfaced in the dark and quiet. "Give me your hand."
"Sorry?" Scriabin held out his hand expectantly.
"I used to hear your heart beat every day." Edgar looked at him incredulously, but Scriabin was unperturbed. "Let me hear it again."
He hesitated but eventually slowly offered his arm. "...Okay."
He pulled his arm up and placed his thumb against his wrist. He felt a strange mismatch - where he'd been expecting one heartbeat, there were two. He covered his surprise, near shock at the realization that of course he had his own body now, by pulling harder on Edgar's arm, directing him up to his ear.
"Wh-"
"Shh." Quietly. He had wanted this, wanted this body, this separation, this freedom for so long, and now... He spoke quietly, his voice betraying nothing. "I'm listening."
Edgar's pulse was erratic, but he hardly paid attention to it. His own fingers on Edgar's skin, warm and pliant, and Edgar's fingers twitching in his hair, he could feel it, he was trying not to touch him- This hesitation was killing him, every jerky movement away not from fear of what Scriabin could do to him, just uncertainty, like he was still a stranger- He pressed him harder to his head, and he could feel goosebumps under his fingers. He wanted to just hold him there until all the memories they'd shared poured back through him, into his blood, into his breath.
Where are you?
But he replied in that same uncertain, guarded tone that indicated he didn't know, not really.
"C...can I have my arm back now?"
He pushed him away. "Fine." Edgar curled his hand protectively against his chest, and he noticed he rubbed it slightly, he probably hadn't even realized.
He mumbled out a harried "Good night," and it was almost enough to make Scriabin smile. Almost. He could still affect him but this wasn't enough, it wasn't right.
He laid his head on the pillow, not bothering to pull his arm up over the side of the bed. If he twitched in the night and touched Edgar, well, that could mean anything. Maybe he was dreaming. Maybe he did it on purpose. Plausible deniability was one of his greatest assets.
As it was, he was just tired. Maybe he didn't pull it back because he hated the thought of sleeping alone, pushed out and forgotten, and hated it more that he was even thinking something like that. How pathetic. He didn't need anyone, especially not Edgar.
But he was tired. Not in his right mind.
Does this mean we can start over...?
The thought echoed and died, and he slept.
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tadfools · 6 months
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Stop! Are you actively making Tumblr.com worse???
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