#just so much more complexity there. i'm just talking about my own experience having kind of frizzy hair as a kid/teen)
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hi! no idea if you take asks like this but thought i'd try. i'm writing a transfem character in a fanfic (in canon they are a cis guy, i just headcanon her as trans), specifically about effects of estrogen. i'm doing a lot of research but i was wondering if there's anything specific you think would be important to know? ty in advance if you do answer! <3
oooh what a fun ask!
having recently taken a stab at writing some fanfic myself, i think the things that would be the most helpful are the things that are more anecdotal because i’d imagine those would be the things that would help get inside her head.
first, there’s a lot of stuff about some of the physical changes out there like softer skin, thinner body hair (but not necessarily less) boob growth, fat redistribution, changes to color perception, eyes and lips appearing bigger because of skin changes and fat redistribution etc. but also really important to writing a trans character is the pacing of the those changes.
the changes are slow. much much slower than most people want. there’s a specific frustration in the slowness because while some changes happen quickly, other take years. and also frustration in comparison. some people see changes within weeks or even days. some people don’t see anything for months or years.
in my own personal experience, everything happened FAST. within a few DAYS i had the beginnings of breast buds. within a few weeks skin had visibly softened and changed texture, especially on my face. but other things took more time. i didn’t really have real boobs until 2.5-3 years in, even though i saw other people with the same timeframe or shorter have much more breast development. the patience required can be excruciating but also the joy is overwhelming and it’s a constant cycle.
and another thing i don’t see talked about too much bc it’s hard to qualify and sometimes hard for some people to notice are the way i process emotions and the way i think about things. now HUGE caveat, some people will use this as a way to justify bio-essentialism and transmedicalism and so it’s very important to note that this is MY experience and uniquely interacts with my own journey.
when i started hrt, within a few hours of taking the first dose, i felt different. not physically, but almost as if there was a peace in my soul because my mind became less cloudy and i could differentiate my emotions more clearly. and i used to think this is because t-blockers means no t and no t means less angry but trans mascs would tell me that their experience with t is the same and not the opposite. i’ve now realized that kind of thinking was actually invalidating to trans mascs on t. and ive realized that its actually because testosterone didn’t feel right in my body and removing it from the equation helped me understand myself better. i had always experienced emotions in this way and my discomfort with my body had stopped me from understanding the complexity and nuance with how i was feeling.
and it took me YEARS to understand what had happened. and it happened alongside of being in therapy and a lot of personal growth. hrt was the catalyst but it was the effort i put into growth that made the difference.
if you have any more questions, i’d love to share more cause i think it would be fantastic if more people who were not trans fem would be able to write trans fem characters with substance, nuance, and complexity! it’s difficult but important and thank you for attempting to do so and approaching this with respect!
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no my mom didn't teach me how to properly take care of my wavy hair but she did teach me that my worth was based on so much more than how i looked and honestly i feel like that's fine <3
#i literally can't blame her bc that woman has the most low maintenance pin straight hair u have ever seen#don't get me wrong i don't think those two things are mutually exclusive but i see all these videos of mothers (it's always the mothers btw#spending hours learning how to curly girl method & diffuse their daughter's hair#and it's sooo lovely and wonderful but i can't help but hope that they're also spending the same amount of time letting their daughters#be loud and wild and messy and nerdy and just like. having a childhood without needing to spend all this time focusing on how they look#(also this isn't about black americans who have experienced so much specific hair-related discrimination & oppression bc i think there is#just so much more complexity there. i'm just talking about my own experience having kind of frizzy hair as a kid/teen)#anyway i hope this makes sense#vi is typing...
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Happy Disability Pride and awareness month! Let's talk about Epilepsy!
Hi there! I got tired of seeing my condition (that impacts my literal every day life) being left out or forgotten about during discussions about disabilities, so I made my own post about it! Let's go!
First Off! What the heck is epilepsy? Epilepsy is the fourth most common neurological disorder in the world, and it's a chronic medical condition. Epilepsy is a brain disorder that causes recurring, frequent, triggered, and unprovoked seizures to occur.
The official Epilepsy Foundation describes seizures as follows: "Seizures are sudden surges of abnormal and excessive electrical activity in your brain, and can affect how you appear or act. Where and how the seizure presents itself can have profound effects...Seizures involve sudden, temporary, bursts of electrical activity in the brain that change or disrupt the way messages are sent between brain cells. These electrical bursts can cause involuntary changes in body movement or function, sensation, behavior or awareness." (Source link)
Sounds like a lot of fun right? This is our life. Even with medication, we can be VERY limited to what can be safe for us. Seizure medications are NOT a cure, they only exist (at least as of now) as a tool to help have your seizures less often, or be triggered less intensely. Even on medication, seizures can still happen.
If you have epilepsy as a child like I did, it impacts your entire growing and developing experience. I spent MANY times as a child in and out of hospitals, neurologist and specialist offices, an getting so many EEG tests done. The pain of scrubbing the glue out of your hair for DAYS is horrible.
At a young age my seizures were so frequent and serious, it impacted my brain's ability to retain information. I had to re-learn the names of things at age 8 and 9. I had to re-learn HOW TO READ at age 10. I had to be home schooled because the public school system of my state at the time refused to work with me. I have VERY distinct and vivid memories of crying over my little baby ABC's book that I needed as a 4th and 5th grader. I knew I should've known this by this age. I knew that at one point I already did, and it was TAKEN FROM ME.
As an adult, I'M NOT ALLOWED TO DRIVE A CAR. And I can NEVER go to see a movie in theaters or go to see concerts or live music. There are entire TV shows I don't get to see. I can't go to clubs, arcades, dances, or raves. I miss out on A LOT of fun things. I always do, and I'm WELL AWARE of the fun I'm missing out on. The social, casual, and fun life experiences I'll never get to have. That WE'LL never get to have. And oh yeah! Seizures can KILL SOME OF US. Yep.
And the list goes on, and every person with epilepsy experiences it differently. There are multiple different types of seizures you can have, they're NOT always convulsing on the floor. For example, I have complex-partial-myoclonic-seizures. Meaning my muscles DO twitch when I have seizures, but I'm not always completely unconscious and sometimes I'm even able to stay sitting up. However, I'm still very "off" and can't focus or remember much for a good while after the fact. I can't talk or communicate during one, even with my slight bit of consciousness.
My experiences are not universal, I just wanted to talk about it and bring it up. It helps to talk about it even a little bit.
Here's more about different kinds of seizures.
Here's more about common seizure triggers.
Here's more about CORRECT seizure first aid.
And here's more general information/resources.
Please stop leaving us out of disability awareness. Please stop ignoring us or saying we're "not really disabled" or anything else like that. Please. Why does it always feel like the only people who care about epilepsy, are people WITH epilepsy? We're so tired of being ignored by others who don't have our condition.
If you're an epileptic person reading this, I see you. I love you. You're so strong, we all are. I believe in you, I believe in us. We're so much stronger than we get credit for, and it's going to be ok. Your anger and frustration are valid. Your emotions and struggles are real. You're valid, and I see you. Hang in there, we got this.
#epilepsy#epilepsy awareness#actually epileptic#disability pride month#disability awareness month#disability awareness#ok to reblog#disability pride
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Mithrun and brain damage
I'm not sure if anyone is interested in this, but I wanted to make a post talking about why I think that Mithrun has brain damage from a traumatic brain injury instead of him being a representation of other neurological disorders or mental illness. I'm not that involved in the dunmesh fandom so I don't know how common this headcanon is, though I've seen a few people mention it here and there.
This is just my own opinion so if you disagree then that's fine. Some of this is just speculation and I can't say what Kui's intentions were. This post isn't meant to be that serious. I just wanted to talk about it and hopefully inform about how brain damage can affect some people in a way that I hope is interesting and relevant.
This will be kind of long because I like to talk so it will be under the cut. Apologies for the length and how much I ramble. Feel free to give input especially if I got anything wrong or if this is too confusing.
Okay let's go
Traumatic brain injury (TBI) is incredibly complex. The long-term effects of a TBI include a wide array of symptoms. Each injury is different, and some people can completely recover rather quickly while others can become permanently disabled, even for seemingly "minor" injuries. What I'll cover here isn't a definitive representation of the experiences of all those who have long-term effects from TBI, nor do I speak for everyone with brain damage.
Here are some long term symptoms relevant to this post:
Alexithymia (inability to process and name emotions)
Inability to process and name physical perceptions
Mood swings and emotional regulation difficulties
Communication difficulties
Social impairment
Apathy about caring for oneself
Lack of motivation
Alexithymia and inability to process physical perceptions
This one is rather obvious. While Mithrun is shown to feel emotions and have physical sensations (for instance, describing his location when he gets lost in the dungeon as "a cold place"), he is also apathetic to how this affects him. This means that his physical and emotional perceptions are reduced in some way. He says that becoming lord of the dungeon will leave someone "empty", showing he is aware of his dulled emotional state.
A good example of this is can be seen here in a bonus comic where he doesn't give much of a reaction to burning his mouth on hot food.
(I love these two a lot, by the way. Pattadol is really under appreciated.)
He is also not able to recognize bodily signals, such as hunger or when he is tired. Despite collapsing from exhaustion and not eating for long periods of time, he still insists he is not tired or hungry.
Mood swings
Mood swings in combination with alexithymia can be an especially disorientating experience. Those who struggle to perceive their own emotions can still feel them even if they don't know how to recognize it.
Individuals with brain injuries often experience drastic mood swings, particularly anger. To those around them, they can appear to go from 0 to 100 in an instant.
This is more speculation/headcanon on my part, as the strongest emotion Mithrun has for most of his appearances is anger. However one could interpret this as being unrelated as he is seeking revenge for a traumatic experience.
Communication difficulties and social impairment
Not only can naming personal experiences be incredibly difficult with a brain injury, but other areas of communication are often affected as well.
Mithrun is not able to set boundaries for himself even if someone is doing something he would not actually want them to do, which can leave him in a vulnerable position.
People with brain injuries can sometimes have a paradoxical experience when it comes to communicating with others. They can go from being very quiet to speaking at length about one topic, seemingly without regard for the importance of each bit of information. (I see it like Newton's first law of motion. It is hard to start speaking and it can be just as hard to stop.)
I really like this aspect of Mithrun's characterization. Usually, he is very quiet because he has no reason to speak. However, once he starts talking he is shown to be overly specific and goes on for long periods of time. Kabru has to spend multiple days figuring out his story.
In a side comic, Kabru tells Mithrun he should condense some of the personal details that Kabru finds irrelevant to the topic of the dungeon.
Mithrun shares many details about himself because his desire not to do so is gone. This mirrors the experience of many people who have brain damage to overshare and not understand how their words will come across to others. Sometimes they say or do things that are insensitive or inappropriate for the situation.
Caring for oneself and motivation
In the dungeon, Mithrun becomes reliant on others for self care. He also seems especially incapable of motivating himself to take care of his body when he is particularly focused on his goals.
In these panels, thus far he had been fairly receptive of Kabru trying to take care of him. However, he could sense that the demon was close and was too focused on that to care to eat.
Refusal of care and treatment is often an effect of traumatic brain injury. This can be for seemingly no reason, even if the person knows that this will help them. Sometimes people will lie about receiving treatment or doing things to take care of themselves, either so they can avoid it or avoid having someone take care of them.
He knows that eating regularly and not pushing himself too much will help him - he's been told multiple times on-screen - but he still has to be continuously told by others to give him that motivation to take care of himself. He's very apathetic to his physical state, even if it seems his only desire is for revenge and he should be doing anything he can to achieve that.
Other things of note
I wasn't sure where to put this, but while Mithrun's sense of direction is speculated by Kabru to be left over from his time as lord of an ever-changing, confusing dungeon, having poor sense of direction in the way he does could also be indicative of brain injury as well.
While the dungeon is confusing and illogical, he is known to have a poor sense of direction and to get frequently lost by those around him, even trying to exit an entrance he just came through. He is shown to be very intelligent, but memory is greatly impacted by brain injuries which affects a person's sense of direction and location.
Something that really stands out to me about Mithrun is how much the things that help him are particularly helpful to those with brain damage. He is physically capable of performing tasks, but he needs an outside source to remind him and get him started. He relies entirely on routine, and when that regularity is taken away he shows extreme difficulty taking care of himself.
Sometimes, the care that some people need is simply someone else to encourage them or to tell them when to do things. The care that he needs is pretty consistent with a person with a brain injury who does not need a full time caretaker and would prefer to have some independence.
Also, healing magic is specified to not work with brain injury unless the person is killed and revived. Mithrun had not been revived after his injuries, so it is entirely possible for him to have sustained a TBI. I don't think this matters that much because one is still allowed to have headcanons even if there is a magical explanation or isn't really possible in canon, but I thought it was an interesting detail.
In conclusion
Because of all this I don't believe that his lack of self care is due solely to mental illness. While mental illnesses like depression or PTSD can cause a decline in self care, the reasons why the affected individual is avoidant of these tasks differs. These disorders can also cause cognitive difficulties and emotional regulation issues, but not to the same extent or in the same way that brain damage would. I think that he does have both depression and PTSD (both are common after a TBI) but those are not his only disabilities.
And on a personal note, I just think that having a character with brain damage is really cool. Most of the time I've seen it the characters are not given very much respect and they are treated as comic relief and a joke. Regardless of whether you agree with this post or not, it is still nice to see a character with a disability like this.
Thank you if you read all of this. I hope it was easy to understand and I did not ramble too much. I don't have anything else to say but I've been wanting to write this out for a while.
Okay bye
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I'm having a fascinating time rewatching Our Flag Means Death with the knowledge that Ed sees Izzy as a "safe" mentor/family figure ("safe" because Izzy is Ed's subordinate aboard the ship, which creates a more balanced power dynamic) upon whom Ed projects his many unresolved daddy issues. That stated interpretation from David Jenkins does work, even in season one!
Most of the fandom conceptualized season one Izzy as a power-hungry subordinate to Ed and a "co-parent" to the crew (paralleled with the Stede/Mary marriage) who has an understated masochist lust for the Blackbeard legend. All of that is true too, because Ed and Izzy's relationship is incredibly complex and fucked-up. I know from personal experience that this kind of layered toxic relationship is completely possible, though it might seem contradictory on the surface.
In season one, Ed considering Izzy as a mentor/family explains more why Ed let his first mate be so insulting to and controlling of him and still kept wanting Izzy to stay beside him. It adds more meaning to how Ed veers super hard into the violent Blackbeard role after feeling cornered and threatened by Izzy at the end of the season. (This also has further weight for those of us with family members who have disapproved quite loudly of our queer relationships.)
There is a strong parallel that I noticed previously between young Ed's reaction to his father abusing his mother and season one Ed's reaction to Izzy dueling Stede. Stede is linked to Ed's mother through the red silk and through the fact that Stede and Ed's mother--and Lucius--are the only people we see treating Ed with compassion/softness in season one. It thus makes sense for Izzy to be mirroring Ed's father.
Then there's another parallel in how Ed responded to Izzy mentioning Stede in a mocking way ("pining for his boyfriend") by choking Izzy, like how Ed had once responded to his father threatening his mother by strangling his father. In this moment, Izzy touched Ed's face with an intimate kind of familiarity and said, "There he is." Ed clearly found this unnerving, which some people read as sexually harassment, but it makes just as much sense for it to be his daddy issues getting triggered.
(GIF Sources: captain-flint and divineandmajesticinone)
I think part of why this dynamic was unclear in season one is because the writers wanted us to see that, even though Izzy is a mentor figure who taught Ed certain skills, Ed is a grown man who is fully competent on his own. He had likely started building the Blackbeard legend by the time Izzy met him, he has a clever mind that's constantly coming up with new plans, and when Izzy himself was left as captain, Izzy proved to not have the necessary charisma and compassion to lead the crew. Ed is the star power; Izzy is the manager, so to speak.
However, Izzy overestimates his importance and often talks about himself like he's a martyr to the Blackbeard legend, working so hard to keep both Ed and the crew in line. He claims that he's been "clean[ing] up [Ed's] messes... my whole life," which feels like a very parental complaint to me.
Ed fuels this martyr complex some in season two by physically harming Izzy, but notably, Ed doesn't threaten this kind of harm to the rest of the crew (though he isn't very careful with them either) until he's in the suicidal spiral of driving the ship into a storm. Before that, Ed threatens Izzy specifically, both because Izzy threatened him and Stede in season one and because Ed's trying, in his own fucked-up way, to prove to Izzy that he's following Izzy's guidance and "being Blackbeard." The toe-cutting also has some metaphorical weight: Izzy demanded that Ed "cut off" the gentler pieces of himself to be Blackbeard, so Ed starts cutting off literal pieces of Izzy in return. When it becomes clear that this isn't satisfying Izzy either, that's when Ed really goes off the deep end. ("I loved you the best I could," but I never could be enough to fit your expectations.)
(GIF Source: livelovecaliforniadreams)
Meanwhile, we see Izzy starting to question things specifically in response to Ed saying that Izzy could be replaced as first mate. Izzy thought his place, as a mentor/family and self-professed "martyr", was more secure than that, and it challenges his whole identity.
Throughout season two, the mentor/family dynamic is further emphasized via the parallel between Izzy/Ed/Stede and Auntie/Zheng Yi Sao/Oluwande. Others have discussed this more, but there's so much meaning in the similar ways these characters carry themselves, in the tension of Auntie disapproving of Zheng Yi Sao's feelings for "soft" Oluwande, and in the way Oluwande finally teaches Auntie to soften herself some for Zheng Yi Sao.
(GIF Source: bizarrelittlemew)
Additionally, in episode five of season two, we see Stede turning to Izzy for mentorship, proclaiming that Ed himself had recommended Izzy as someone who "made him into the captain he is today." People have questioned that as being a false manipulation from Stede, but I think there's a good chance that it was true! (Ed probably said this to Stede sometime during season one, when the two of them got to know each other so well.) "Taught him everything he knows" is definitely a flattering exaggeration, but hey.
(GIF Source: ofmdaily)
Throughout this and other episodes, we see Izzy continuing to take on a mentor-like role with Stede and the crew (and eventually Ed) as he tries to recenter himself after the darkness of the first three episodes. It's clear that Izzy is most comfortable playing the gruff and politically incorrect old fighter who offers guidance, but now he's letting himself branch out more and connect to the crew in new gentler ways. He even metaphorically "gives his blessing" to Ed and Stede's first time having sex by providing the musical accompaniment, which is the perfect amount of weird for this show, haha.
(GIF Source: izzyfag)
Izzy's transformative arc in season two also involves a steady pattern of reversals, corrected new versions of his treatment of Ed in season one, as Izzy start coming to terms with the harm he did to Ed. Other people have discussed this in more detail, but I think the pace of this change is realistic to what you would see in such a situation. Ed's responses to this, too, are consistent with him seeing Izzy as a mentor/family.
(GIF Source: edwards-teach)
I should further note that Izzy and Benjamin Hornigold (another abusive father figure from Ed's past) are two characters mirrored by the fact that they call Ed "Eddie" in season two. I can imagine that being the nickname Ed used when he was younger, before growing out of it. Izzy seems to start feeling the echo of that memory of younger Ed when Ed comes to him scared, asking for Izzy to "fix [his] mess" by shooting Ed like Ed "dreamed" about.
(GIF Source: blairpfaff)
Right before Izzy's death, there's a scene where Ed is triggered super hard in his daddy issues by the fisherman "Pop-Pop." I think the writers wanted to remind us of the parental trauma Ed has been through before giving us some catharsis through Izzy's deathbed confession and apology. In that moment, Izzy takes full accountability for what he did, while Ed cries and says, "You're my only family." Izzy redirects him in a final bit of mentorly guidance, telling Ed that the crew is there to be his family if Ed will let himself be loved, truly, in the way Ed has often rejected and distanced himself from being loved.
(GIF Source: izzyfag)
Now, I do think Izzy's death was the right choice for this show. I like that DJenkins went with the classic mentor death trope, and he did a similar thing with Buttons, the other old-timer first mate! I agree likewise with those who have discussed Izzy's loss as being a necessary step for the narrative to move forward both from Ed's darker self/parental trauma and from the older age of piracy that Izzy represents. Izzy was always meant to be a dark reflection of and a narrative support/conflict for Ed, and this is the natural culmination of that. His complicated legacy will continue to be something Ed has to reckon with, however, although Ed is trying to compartmentalize that right now.
I very much hope to see, in season three (🤞🏻), how Ed continues to process his past, especially now that he's trying for a domestic life that will likely lead into marriage. Marriage, from what I've seen, often acts as a staging ground for whatever parental trauma you had growing up, because you look to your parental figures as an example of how to do "adult" things. This is going to be a huge conflict for both Ed and Stede, who has his own personal negative marriage experience. I suspect Izzy will continue to represent this problem in some form or another.
(GIF Sources: kiwistede and yenvengerberg)
#our flag means death#ofmd spoilers#izzy hands#edward teach#stede bonnet#gentlebeard#benjamin hornigold#nathaniel buttons#zheng yi sao#auntie#oluwande boodhari#my stuff
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I have an honest question and I don't want to sound rude or anything at all but what's so interesting about CNC. Like I see people hype it up but to me it just feels like romanticizing r4pe..I'm not really into CNC so I can't talk bad or downplay whatever they do but I'm just asking because I want to understand it better.
A question I, by no means, can answer perfectly. However, in the spirit of philosophy and amateur psychology, I will lay unto you, ye who have keen ears, my theories.
Now, I am in no way a psychiatrist. However, as I am a woman who does a great deal of fantasizing and further thinking of what I fantasize about, I thought I might assume the role of a sexologist as it is no protected title.
I’ve long wondered why we (women) fantasize about things that would appall us if manifested in reality. It makes little sense that an act so ruining in practice should make us feel fulfilled when the mere thought of it is humored.
In the vast complexities of psychology, no matter how much I drink of its depths, I can’t seem to get my fill enough to understand it. Trying to figure out female arousal is like pulling hair from a clogged gutter and trying to undo all the knots. It’s a web of contradictions.
However…
First theory – there are cultural reasons. If we accept the inbuilt instincts of old and the instincts we adopt through media while growing up – all in all, the great history of aggressive men dominating passive women – we are conditioned to accept that this is what romance looks like.
Second theory – there are the emotional reasons. The "Beauty and the Beast" motif – featuring classic co-dependency. Women submit to abuse because we have an inbuilt need to nurture others – so when we love men who require to abuse and own us in order to love us, we somehow forget to protect ourselves in favor of loving them, which in this case means allowing them to abuse and own us. It's warped.
Third theory – there are psychological reasons. In fantasies and writing or viewing, we get to reframe traumatic experiences in a positive light or rework traumatic experiences in a safe environment – a form of psychological self-defense, much like Stockholm Syndrome or a type of self-inflicted Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Fourth theory – research has also been conducted regarding physiological reasons. Here, we have another inbuilt self-defense mechanism – a seldom talked-about phenomenon – which shows that women tend to become physically aroused when they sense any possibility of sexual aggression in their environment – in order to lower their chance of injury if they are raped.
Through all this, I believe one can narrow fantasies of rough or non-consensual sex into something as paradoxical and polar as having a wish for control and a wish to relent oneself of it. And coming to this conclusion, I realized that such is the pursuit of many, even in endeavors not of the erotic kind.
Humans wish to have control just as much as humans disdain having control. This is why BDSM (bondage, domination, sadism, masochism) kinks and fetishes are found in some shape or form in nearly every romantic or sexual relationship in existence. You’ll have the dominant partner wishing to achieve control over a submissive partner wishing to relinquish control through such means of domination, humiliation, pain, and pleasure.
But it’s more complex than that, isn’t it?
Yes. Because, contradictory – a submissive partner may wish for control, and a dominant partner may wish to lose it. Human beings are an unyielding paradox where we flex across contrasting aims with no means to an end.
Yes, we wish for control, yet disdain having it. Perhaps we find the answer to this paradox in maintaining control by losing it?
Moreover… how does this relate to nonconsensual sex fantasies?
Here, we get a fifth theory containing the ego – a spin-off of a kind from the third theory. Here we find the wish for control, where, in the lustful fantasy realm, non-consensual sex bolsters a woman's feelings of seductiveness and desirability in the way it has the power to make a man lose his decency and self-control, driving him to commit crimes of passion despite ill consequences of losing his pride and honor as a man – also, ultimately, risking getting sent to prison.
Put simply, some women enjoy the idea of being irresistible enough to drive even a good man crazy. The thought of being attractive enough to make a man love-sick and the power and control that follows it is, in this case, a turn-on.
A sixth theory – another spin-off from the third theory – is that fantasies of rape allow women to reduce the distress associated with sex, as they are not, in this scenario, responsible for what occurs. Moreover, the logic here states that when one is forced into something, they’ll have a lesser need to feel guilt or shame about acting out their own sexual desires.
Put simply, some women wish to maintain their innocence despite having carnal desires only satiated by means of sinful acts.
This begs another question.
Is this a lingering feeling of guilt and shame around female sexuality?
Of course! Women are constantly met with disdain when open about their sluttiness.
So, are fantasies of nonconsensual sex a type of projection they do because of this?
In some cases, yes!
Transferring our own sexual desires unto another gives us permission to act them out without feeling guilty or dirty – because, inside this fantasy, it isn’t us committing the indecencies.
... Okay then...
Summing up theories five and six:
Control. To feel wanted, lusted for, obsessed over, and coveted by others. The power of driving someone to lovesick desire, a frenzied state, where they would do anything, even illegal, to have you. Additionally, despite such harsh cases of ego, wanting none of the responsibility for it, wanting to be free of sin, to maintain innocence and purity in light of such dark desires.
Or is there a seventh theory? One found in our idyllic construct of freedom – this aimless goal of ours to make ourselves appreciate breathing – done by balancing the electric powerline between having and losing control.
Is it this act of switching places, the attraction and pull, the stimuli and response, the attack and retaliation? In the chaos of contradictions and uncertainty, we find a thrill that occupies our otherwise hibernating minds – bored to the degree that we become machines in our daily programs.
Is it simply that we need a little extremity as a remedy for our dull lives?
Do we fall in love with illegal things simply because we are denied them? Simply because they’re illegal? Self-harm, drug use, gambling, murder, rape…
Are these things a part of us? And are we, without them, left feeling unfulfilled? Is The Purge perhaps onto something vitally important? A cure for boredom, this mediocrity that leaves us feeling so blue?
I think, if I were to find a comparison, it’s quite similar to the blind bounds of excitement others ascend to in the midst of playing violent video games. The rush of falling in and out of enemy territory, of danger and safety, from being a predator to becoming the prey, of victory and defeat, of chasing death only to be comforted by one’s remaining life – because in reality, you're safe and sound in front of a screen.
Also, in other cases - rollercoasters, horror movies, extreme sports, etc...
Yes, the wish to trip in and out of control isn’t limited to the realm of lust but is present in most aspects of life. We find it in extreme cases such as drugs, gambling, gaming, relationships, and in other subtle cases of professions and work.
If you don’t like it, that’s your business, and I wish you the best of luck in lust elsewhere.
On another note – and such another warning and disclaimer – I want you not to accept my tales of lust as love stories. Personally, I think hints of toxic displays such as jealousy, obsession, and possession in a partner are natural – but – a difference is made when such feelings become restricting to a degree you no longer feel free. I implore you to make such distinctions for yourself when regarding yourself – and, in extreme cases, when regarding others.
In said regard, I do not condone the events nor the actions of the characters in my stories – neither offender nor victim. Don’t allow yourself to fall prey to toxic partners! The signs are always there – keep a weathered eye out for them.
And no, I’m not blaming those who’ve allowed themselves to stay in toxic relationships. I, myself, am guilty of that. But I won’t excuse my poor judgment either. You know when something doesn’t feel right. We shouldn’t blur the lines of right and wrong in the name of love – or whatever else we may lend our self-control to – such as religion, culture, family, societal pressure, etc...
You are in control. Don’t forget it. And don’t allow anything else to become the case.
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With every passing day I'm less convinced of the narrator's feelings about Marla being in any way romantic lol. Obvious disclaimer this is one of many interpretations that can be done of the book, if you like to interpret it that way good for you, I support all interpretations with textual evidence and there's obviously some that way — but anyway, like.
He has no joy about it lmao there is no happy delight.... You expect me to believe you are in love with her when your thought process is essentially "Tyler loves Marla which. I guess means I do? And well, I guess I don't want her to die in my bullshit. I like you enough to not want you to die because when Tyler abandoned both of us I stopped viewing you as as much of a threat to my rabid bond with Tyler"
Like. I do think he cares for Marla. Likes her. But I do not think he Likes her.
And to me it is interesting and depressing. Tyler is his power fantasy. This fantasy where he can access the power of being a man attracted to women — well, if his brain can manage to fuck women while deeply delusional, maybe he can manage it! It legitimately reads kind of like he thinks he's been cured of something. And there's so much reason for him to feel that way — most especially, we're treated to an in depth look at how deeply shameful he feels about things that in any way tie him to homosexuality. He has such a complex about AIDS, he covers a birthmark on his foot just in case seeing it would mean someone thinks he's gay and dying. Maybe it's my own experiences letting me read more into it but he is so deeply repressed it's sad man. Even your power fantasy can't escape it. But also, that in itself makes sense, too. Being attracted to women puts him on top of the hierarchy, frees him from subjugation and the deep literal closet he's in as a gay man. It's not exactly the same as being attracted to men as a woman, which, while resulting in avoiding homophobia, puts you at direct risk for misogynistic intrapersonal violence lol. So. Tyler is free, and he is not. Tyler does not have to worry about dying in people's eyes.
Anyway you have all that, you have the intense homoeroticism of fight club in general (elaborate rituals, etc), literally everything about how he talks about Tyler, and you have the fact that just like. Honestly!!!! Where is the joy!!! Obviously it is extenuating circumstances because of the whole deal but his narration distinctly sounds like someone who just like. Oh yeah that's my good friend... Marla... yeah I guess I like her. We hang out and she helped me shoot myself
I do think post canon they end up having some sort of weird sad sex thing but that shit is not working longterm. Plenty of people have said it before and better but both of them want Tyler instead. Which in itself is an interesting dynamic.
Depending on how much autonomy and personhood you allot Tyler, too, it's interesting. In the narrator's eyes, everything for Tyler ties back to Marla. The one thing he has that the narrator simply can't. In the narrator's eyes, he outright states Tyler formed to do what he couldn't (engage with her romantically). Of course you can interpret that as him being inhibited in some other way, but... idk man.
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So I've been seeing A Viewpoint within the bg3 fandom occuring. And I gotta be honest. I disagree that the characters being bisexual in Baldur's Gate 3 means you cannot headcanon them as other sexualities for your own fandom content purposes. I think that's not reflective of how queer people and their sexual identities actually work, and its just antithetical to how fandom has always functioned, which is an exercise of imagination.
I wanna clarify up front: I agree that someone saying that a character Can't or Shouldn't or Was Not Meant To Be bisexual because of whatever reason IS biphobic sentiment. The characters in Baldur's Gate 3 are canonically bi/pan, thats made pretty damn clear when you look through all their content. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about headcanons, au's; the kind of imaginitve play that is very much what fandom creativity is about.
If you set a standard in fandom that depicting a character as a certain sexuality is Not Allowed, 1. you're kinda flattening sexuality in a weird way, like personally my sexuality is complicated as fuck and has changed over time, and 2. you're limiting creativity. And I think creativity in fandom is extremely important. It's the whole fun of fandom. Creativity is worth protecting and its worth establishing the nuance between Depicting A Version of Character who is X and Insisting That Character Should Be X in canon. Because like... we meddle with character's identities in fandom all the time. That's what headcanons ARE, they change appearance, social position, career, faith, species, traumatic experience, moral and political alignment, and SO much more.
I think limiting what people can headcanon within fandom... is less fun! It's just less fun. Imaginative scope lets you do more, weird fun stuff. It lets you depict more complex interesting characters. Example: my Bad Nun AU. In that, Shadowheart identifies as a lesbian. Why is that? Because I wanted Shadowheart's experience within Bad Nun to specifically explore the history and context of lesbians within nunneries, especially how that manifested post Vatican II. These were also eras when 'lesbian' was more ubiquitos, had a different context and more flexibility; a lot of women that would probably consider themselves 'bisexual' now were identifying as lesbians, were in lesbian communities and events and spaces.
On that note: Flattening sexuality. You're gonna say people CANNOT depict these characters as ANYTHING but bisexual? That is not how most queer people's sexualities work. It simply isn't. I've identified as tons of different shit in my sexuality. I'm still not sure about it. For me half the time my "sexual identity" is just the words I use to communicate what I'm looking for, and that changes depends on What I Want at that time, what I'm looking to explore, my social context, ect. ect. like what. This isn't how sexuality works for real people. How are artists meant to be Creative and imaginatively depict real, complex, queer sexuality if they are restricted to depicting only what is within canon?? This is not how any other part of fandom works.
Fandom art should work how all art works. If someone makes shit art, it gets dunked on and ignored for being bad or lazy or lame. If someone did Heterosexual Karlach fanfic, I would be like "what the fuck why" because they made Karlach less fucking cool. Het Karlach would be boring and thats More Egregious because they DECIDED to make her heterosexual DESPITE canon. But even then, EVEN THEN, I don't think that should be looked at as off limits shit, because I don't believe art should have many things off limits. Any limits must be very nuanced, because art and creativity is nuanced. Obviously my brain would go "het karlach? you deserve jail time and thats queerphobic", but I honestly believe creative license is more important than those feelings. I WOULD happily comment on their thing, "heterosexual karlach is boring, thats a shit idea" because I'm right
If you want good art and good writing, you need to protext creative license.
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How do you deal with insecurity in a polyam relationship?
I've been in a poly V before, with my girlfriend at the time, and her other partner; but I honestly wasn't really invested in the relationship so I wasn't bothered.
I feel like,, if I have a partner and we either a) accept another and form a triad or b) I end up with a metamour again, I would end up worrying that my parner(s) would leave me to simply be together.
(For context, I have AvPD so like... abandonment is a complex of mine and I'm working on it but I'm still so insecure a lot of the time.)
So.. yeah. I've seen you address jealousy/envy, and I know I'd probably deal with a bit of that (in the sense that 'oh, b gets to spend time with c while I'm at work, I'm envious' kind of way) but I know that insecurity would be the thing that would bother me the most
Polysecure by Jessica Fern is generally considered a holy text 🛐of polyamory and this exact question in particular. I haven't read it personally (yet. Its on my list my list is just long 😅) So if you haven't given that a go yet, everyone I know who has read it, has recommended at least sections of it. I know it talks about attachment styles and how to handle those, which might be helpful if you have avoidant personality disorder.
The other thing, of course, is consider bringing this up with a therapist, because I am not one. And this seems like a touchy enough topic that everything I say here is pulled from my experience and should be taken as "ideas to think about🤔" and not "clinical advise that will Fix It🪄" As per usual, LOTS to go over here. So. read more.
P.S. after typing up everything, I realized this post I wrote to help a supportive partner address insecurity might also be helpful for you, and even has a worksheet! Its probably better formatted too. So.. maybe I wasted my typing here 😓. C'est la vie.
Firstly, you never said you identify as polyamorous. So if you're not... you could just date monogamously 🤷 as much as I love 💟polyamory and would like it if the whole world loved it too, if that's gonna be too big a thing for you, there's no reason you have to bother at all.
If you are going to date polyamorously for whatever reason, BEFORE you introduce another person to the mix, have a regular, set time you and your partner spend apart. It sounds counter-intuitive, but maintaining your own social life and identity outside your partner is huge. Do this especially when you're super invested and want to spend every second with your partner. That's honestly true whether you're poly or not, but in this specific case. I think a lot of the fear is bolstered by the idea that without you there, your partner is just spending that time loving the other person. And maybe they'd like to do that more blah blah blah. But this proves that's not the case: when you're not there, you partner is getting drinks with the girls, or building model ships, or any other numerous things they like independent of you. And it also means you're not just pining over your partner when you're gone, you have other shit to do too. And you'll come to look forward to your two hours a week at the coffee shop (or whatever). You will learn reasonable time apart does not equal less romantic interest.
And then, on the flip side of that, set regular protected time with your partner. Not to say never ever will something come up that interrupts that. Emergencies arise🚨, or the time may have to be renegotiated later, etc etc. But having the confidence that no matter what, you'll have a movie date every week, or that Tuesday night is Romance Night, or whatever you decide on, can make it easier. It can help prevent you feeling taken for granted, and can naturally curb NRE with other people if that starts getting unruly. If your partner starts wanting to cut into this time for not-important-shit, tell them you're not okay with that, or -- and only if truly it feels okay to you -- at least get them to make the time up the next day. And you, of course, need to treat it as special too. Make the time important, fulfilling, and intimate. It can be any activity, as long as its bonding time -- quality time, in the truest sense of the word.
Take time to get to know yourself, and share it with your partner. What do you consider to be sacred between you and your partner? Are you okay with your meta and your partner having sacred things -- what type of things? Do you feel better knowing the details of your partner's other relationships, or will that make you more jealous? (I like knowing more, because the thought of my partner having this secret life without me makes me more insecure, but other people are very reasonably of the opinion that hearing that their partner had so much fun without them is a bummer.) How much about you are you okay with your partner dilvulging to your meta(s)? Go through this on as many things as you can think of. Now, what you're comfortable with is not the only factor here; you and your partner will probably both have to make some concessions to reach something workable, but I've found that process, with a good partner, to be more securing in and of itself. You both are working together towards a common understanding. Its generally good practice to avoid hard-and-fast rules here, when possible. For example, "I'm only okay with you dating others if you're home by 11🕚 every night" makes some sense, but if taken literally means if your partner gets a flat on the way home, or has to deal with your meta's mental breakdown, or even just wants to see a movie that won't finish until 11:05 -- that's a betrayal. Perhaps even just asking for a one-time allowance is a betrayal. Instead, work for understandings or guidelines. Maybe the similar understanding in this example is "its hard for me to sleep alone, so I'd like you to generally be home by 11:00, and notify me as soon as possible if that's not going to happen" and then when they bring up wanting to stay out late one night for something, you can ask if its possible for them to do it on a night you don't have to work in the morning (maybe they can, maybe they can't, the point here is that its a dialogue, see below). There will be some trial and error here, so be prepared for that and stick it out.
Don't take every problem as a sign things are doomed, or your partner is divesting, or your partner isn't worth your investment. There will be times when someone is actually abusive, or there will be irreconcilable differences. I'm not talking about those. I'm talking about "My partner is late for the second time this week, they're pulling away from me, this is the beginning of the end"-type shit. No it ain't. A good exercise for this is to explicitly outline your worst-case scenario💣, followed by a best case-scenario🌈, and then a few most likely cases⬜. So from our example above, worst case is that they're pulling away (so you have to pull away faster so you "win" and avoid pain), best case-scenario is that they're late because they're buying you a gift on their way home, and most likely scenario is that traffic's worse than they planned or they ran into someone at the gas station and stopped to talk for a bit or whatever.
Figure out how to self-soothe. Make a stache of nice things your partner has done for you that you can check on your own to remind yourself you're important to them. Reframe some of your jealous worries. Remind yourself of things you're looking forward to with your partner. Make a vent journal. Whatever clicks to you.
And as always, 🗣️talk to your partner. Productively talk to your partner.🗣️ Talk to your partner as much as possible about how things make you feel, and make sure they're doing the same. I talk more about how to talk through problems here, and its worth the read imho (even though its equally long). But for now, know that forming this habit on its own is functionally indistinguishable from being securely attached. As long as the communication is you and your partner vs the problem (and not, for example, your insecurity vs your partner's willingness to compromise), this will be good for the relationship, and you will feel better for doing it. But to form that habit, you have to do it with everything, not just Big Problems. You have to tell your partner sincerely how much you appreciate stuff they're getting right, you have to tell them about small problems that you can handle on your own, you have to tell them about things you're not sure how you feel about yet.
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I have a lot of weird moods lately, all of it being mixed completely in a chaotic way, but I think it feels nice to figure out some stuff and to think about it o/
I'm thinking a lot about how I experience love in fact, because I always wonder if my affection comes from my desire to get some physical reassurance or just to feel loved because of my own complex family situation. Like even if it takes me time to fully develop crushes or actually fall in love, I always find myself wondering very early in relationships if romantic (or at least romantic coded) stuff could happen between one person or me. And idk I just don't know if that's something pretty ok or not, or if it's just my lack of confidence speaking ? What do I need or want exactly ? Sometimes I feel like my brain is just jumping on people as if I was searching some kind of comfort absolutely, but it's not always something I have control over.
It's confusing, I remember I loved people deeply but it also caused me a lot of pain, and I don't want to go through that again and I felt really free last time I finally felt like I cut off the strings that took me attached to someone too much to the point I would feel bad. It's a real difficult thing to talk or even think about because I now realize love isn't just "we love each other, let's date", there are so much situations, so much nuances, so much needs, so much differences depending of the person(s).
I know I'm demi and super super super super super romantic and also can be super super sexually attracted to someone at some point, it just takes me time, and sometimes it's blurred and confusing, but at the same time I just don't know what to expect or want from a "classic" or "normal" romantic relationship. I want to date yes, but what is it exactly ? How does that work ? How are you supposed to know these codes or norms, how can you be sure you're doing good ?
Sometimes I just wish things could just be like, "we have this strong bond and we both love physical affection, let's just do our thing and decide of what we'd like for us as we go" without just thinking too much, but at the same I'm demi and developing a crush or love can take so much time, and sometimes it's not even a crush it's more but it's not fully romantic either, I can get so lost in all this,,
It feels good to learn and do researches about it tho, because in fact even if I did try and even if I did loved people a lot, I never got into a romantic relationship for real and idk I'm 24 and just wondering how that stuff work. I'm not even pressed by time or anything or what I'm just, really curious and also just trying to understand what could work for me too, or what if I'm just lacking experience and stuff will be clear as I go on, idk
I haven't really thought about all of that for the past few years, mostly focused on uni, and honestly I just felt really good on my own after the chaos of my previous romantic experience. But now after a few years chilling in my corner I admit I start to think about it again, and while I don't actively seek anything or just want it absolutely, I'm just scared of how I would handle things if that does happen again. Especially with all the stuff going on on my side, with family and all
I may be good at art, I'm not that great when it comes to relationships. But I always have been really romantic lmao and it just comes out because I still have this idea of giving a lot to someone. idk when you experience romantic attraction it's just so big and so hard to describe, I just wish I could love myself just as much as I loved someone else in the past
So I've been learning about QPRs, searching and also reading and watching videos, talking about it, and basically I'm learning a lot of stuff about all of the possibilities that exist for relationships. I don't know if my strong love always come from what I experienced at home and I just try to fill the hole, or if I'm just truly like that and love a lot, but either way, no matter when or what happen I just hope things can be smooth, and that I can learn to handle my own insecurities
#just some thoughts about love and attraction and relationships because i admit it's been on my mind a lot lately#qpr#relationship#romantic#love
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"For you. For all of us."
I do believe "for you" was originally intended for both of them, or even all of them. But, (spoilers,) by the end of this, my delusions win.
Although I'm a shameless lokius shipper who can and will talk about them even on a first date or a job interview, I do believe there was much more going on in this scene than just a showcasing of a tragic love story. And that's not saying that wouldn't be meaningful (these types of stories are the only reason I still read fjjffj stop that's actually very sad...)
For me the story is very similar to how Luca's story ended. Hear me out, please, I'm crazy but I might not even be that crazy by the end of this.
Loki's first season and Luca both came out in June of 2021 so I might just connect them subconsciously, but the way Enrico Casarosa (director of Luca) said the movie was open to all interpretations hasn't left my mind since then.
That's a huge part of making art, leaving the interpretation up to the viewer and not giving clear instructions. This way you can actually showcase such layers and depth that are much more similar to real life emotions. Because the line is blurry, no matter what. No label is clear enough to say why you love the way you do and how you do it. It's complex and beautiful.
Loki and Mobius, their relationship is beautiful because it has this complexity. I think it's worth mentioning, that what I'm about to say is a subjective interpretation, because this is my idea of love.
They did develop that friendship that articles like to highlight and we love to clown.
But seriously that platonic friendship is there and it doesn't cancel out the hints of romance at all. That's why I'm also okay with the sylki kiss. Although the first time watching it, for me it felt unnecessary, I can see the significance of it happening. It's an emotional moment, them failing to recognise what they want, their unawareness of the bigger picture, and the comedy of it all, him falling in love with himself. Also... we never really talk about why Sylvie accepts the kiss and her inner conflicts? I need to think a lot more about Sylvie and her wants... but that's not gonna happen in this post, because I'm already going on, anyways... Guess what, Mobius calls this out two times.
"What a incredible seismic narcissist."
"It’s a complicated relationship, okay? There’ s a lot unpack when you’re basically in a relationship with yourself. They say opposites attract. No." *does that face, taking a sip of his shake💅*
It's the same of him being the only one who mentions Loki's behaviour changing. (I'm not sure if he's the only one noticing, but he's the only one who makes the choice of calling it out.) And I also love the way he says no to Loki when he asks him to trust him. Loki stays calm, and just says "watch".
This is so!!! Loki has been doing this for so long, he looks kind of numb to it – this might have happened many times before and he's done explaining or calming Mobius OR he's okay with Mobius's distrust because he on the other hand trusts himself enough that he doesn't have to feel threatened to lose their bond. He knows their bond is strong enough that he doesn't have to worry when Mobius's trust fades for a moment. And the episode proves me right when in the next moment Loki gets access.
"Yes!" Mobius says, grabbing Loki's arm with both his hands, anxious and relieved for a small moment!!!
And that's real trust, friendship and relationship right there.
Comfort, sacrifice and honest moments like these make me feel loved the most. You can't entirely trust someone, you can't expect love to stay the same and you can't expect that the past to just fade away, you can't forgive easily and yet you keep hoping.
"That's a lot of hoping." Sylvie says.
And Loki is the key and his beautiful, beautiful character arch.
Most of these points are connected to my own experiences of friendship and the working relationships I've seen. Just like in Luca, we make mistakes, sometimes things that are hard to forgive and this is kind of the essence of being human.
Now back to Luca and the way Mobius has to touch Loki like his life depends on it. There are touchy people (and it took me some time to realise I'm one of them.) Enrico says:
“We talked about it and I mean, I think the reason probably we didn’t talk about it as much and, to a certain degree, we’re slightly surprised by the amount of people talking about romance is that we were really focusing on friendship and so pre-romance. But it is a kind of love, right? There’s a lot of hugging and it’s physical and my experience as a straight man certainly wasn’t that. The things we did talk a lot about is what is the metaphor here for being a sea monster, for being different? And some people seem to get mad that I’m not saying yes or no, but I feel like, well, this is a movie about being open to any difference.” (source)
Yes, I do recognise the worries about queerbaiting, and yes, I can only wish that wasn't the issue at Disney. But imagine for a moment, a world where this isn't the case and we didn't have to fight with tooth and nail for representation. In that case this story works perfectly as a friendship and yet it doesn't cancel out the chance of it snowballing into romance.
And then there's the last scene. This post sums it up. What I need to add to this is that most story elements are finished. Loki's Glorious Purpose ending is tragic, angsty and hurtful but it's done, finished. His friendship with both Mobius and Sylvie, tragic angsty and hurtful, still finished. What remains and what drives the audience crazy, and in need for explanation is Mobius being shown in between his lives.
I've seen a lot of people make posts about this alredy. How the show kept telling us that Mobius doesn't want to see his life on the timeline, how Loki knows and brings this up to Sylvie, but it's never further explained, really. Other than the natural conclusion that you just might not want to give up your known reality for something new. The show introduces characters who would, so it's not that everyone would hesitate.
Mobius let go of Ravonna, although it hurt him. Mobius did not remember OB, Mobius got scolded by Sylvie. Hunter B-15 (or Verity, my girl♥︎ i love you so much...) and Casey might be his good friends but we don't really see that apart from that goodbye scene. (Which by the way, hurt like hell...) The only reason left is that Mobius cannot live without Loki properly and the last damn scene proves. this. to. be. the. case!!!!
"Let time pass."
I... I love movies man...
(end notes:
– I almost started writing a new paragraph about how this parallels to Spiderverse but let's just forget about that, because that's a box I don't want to open right now, because I will feel ✨dumb✨
– In the Hungarian dubbing he says "For you, Sylvie" and that perfectly sums up this shithole of a country... They did not put Sylvie into the subs though, a win is a win i guess...)
#loki spoilers#spoilers#loki season 2#loki#loki tv show#loki series#lokius#rambling#mobius#sylvie#reviews from ici
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Hi there! I'm not sure if this is something you've talked about before in another post, but I just finished the first draft of my first novel, and I was wondering if you could talk about what your experience was like getting your first novel edited and published. I have this story that I'm excited about but no idea what to do with it now that I've reached "The End," do you have any advice on what my next step ought to be towards eventually getting it published? Thanks in advance!
First of all: thanks for asking. ...And now I have to warn you that I am possibly one of the worst possible people to ask about what their first novel's publication looked like... as it was completely atypical.
Not that that's going to stop me, mind you. (And you know what? I'm inserting a cut here, because this goes on a bit. Warning: contains [calculated] dissing by old friends, pulp non-fiction, unexpurgated language, unexpected awards nominations, and advice that's worth just what you're paying for it.)
What happened with me and my first book goes like this:...
In the late 1970s I was starting to burn out on psychiatric nursing, and was offered a job as assistant to the novelist and Star Trek ["The Trouble with Tribbles"] writer David Gerrold. I took it happily, as I was in a place in my life where I really needed some kind of change. The work with David was part-time; I also occasionally did special duty nursing shifts to help make ends meet.
Now during this period, I was writing for my own amusement (as I'd been doing all my life from about age eight onward). Right then I was working on a project I'd been tinkering with from my late high school years right through college, nursing school, and my first couple/few years of practice as an RN. This was the background worldbuilding for a vaguely Tolkienesque, somewhere-between-late-Medieval-and-early Renaissance fantasy scenario featuring a couple of moderately unusual magic systems, a sexually diverse culture, and a pair of "These Two Idiots"-style protagonists with complex interleaving problems.
While I was working for David, I had a lot of opportunity to observe, close up, what the life and workflow of a career writer looked like. Slowly, over a year or so, the realization crept up on me that what David was doing, I could do too. And it was at this point that I finally admitted to him that I thought I might want to write as well.
David's (as I later discovered, extremely calculated) eyeroll could probably have been seen from space. "Oy, not another one," he moaned. After which I went away from the abortive conversation pretty much resolved never to speak to him about this again... but also with a single thought filling my brain: You fucking supercilious sonofabitch, I'm going to show you that I'm not just another one.
...I'll never be able to thank him enough for that. Fury can be so motivating. :)
In the aftermath I got busy pulling together my background material with much more focused intent, and beating the most significant parts of it into something that started looking like a plot. It came together with surprising speed and unnerving insistence—one of the very few times in my career when a project, once begun, has simply flung me into the writing chair and insisted that it was the most important thing in my life and needed handling now. And when in the fullness of time David went on vacation, leaving me to house-sit at his place in LA, I immediately started using his very early computer to transcribe my novel's so-far-only-handwritten draft material.
I took what I thought was considerable care to cover my tracks... but not quite enough. On his return from vacation, when he was putting out the trash, David found some of my discarded draft pages, read them, and confronted me (with a certain amount of friendly teasing) about what had been going on. Then he said to me, "What I've seen of this thing doesn't look too bad. Let me see it when you're finished, and if it looks good enough, I'll ask one of my publishers if they want to take a look at it."
So that's what happened. I finished my first draft and a polish of it in about six weeks, and passed it to David. He read it and immediately handed it on to his editors at Dell, who were just starting a fantasy line for which they needed product. Two weeks later, they said they liked the novel and made an offer, which I accepted. Not a vast amount, but respectable enough. So there it was, my first sale: this book. Which then got me nominated two years running for the Astounding Award, and opened the door for the sale and publication of So You Want To Be A Wizard, as well as my earliest Star Trek work and my entry into the animation world.
I remember very little about the editing process, except that it was painless. What was not exactly painless was the book's cover, about which...well, the less said here the better. But the book came out to generally good reviews. So, with this series of events behind it, you can see why as regards first-publication stories, I'm a first-class outlier and should definitely not be counted. (Also to be avoided by new writers if at all possible: the experience of having half their strongly-selling first novel's initial print run pulped in the warehouse* because it was taking up room needed by a new book by a world-famous novelist.) (Whom I have long since forgiven, since it wasn't his fault, and...well, what can you do? Shit happens.)
...Anyway, that's more than enough about me. Now let's talk about you.
My first advice about what to do with the novel you've just finished? Stick it in a drawer (literally or figuratively speaking, whichever suits your case better) and don't look at it for at least a month. Two would be better. You can spend those two months thinking about your next moves... because you need to give those some consideration before you do anything else.
The question that you first need to answer is going to at least partially shape what you do next. And it's this:
Are you seriously considering making a career out of writing?
It's not that it can't be done! Of course it can. But it won't be easy... not at all. Anyone who tells you it will is either just outright lying through their teeth, or trying to sell you something. ...Or both.
Be honest with yourself as you consider this. If you aren't, you may be letting yourself in for considerable pain over a prolonged period... and I'd sooner you were spared that, if you can be. In particular, be clear about the difference between the statements "I want to write" and "I want to be a writer." Often enough people like the sound of the lifestyle and what they see as going with it—the signings, the book tours (physical or virtual), the interviews, the best-seller lists—without any real concept of the grueling, day-to-day, weekends-are-for-other-people, why-am-I-making-less-than-minimum-wage-most-of-the-time labor that underpins it.
If you simply want to write and be published—without the concept of a career necessarily being involved, or the lovely shimmering dreamlike vision of Giving Up The Day Job—you now have work pathways available to you that would've been unimaginable in the previous century. Self-publishing makes it possible for you to get your work in front of many, many eyes without necessarily having to submit yourself to the specific set of trials that go with achieving the initial stages of an intended career. Selfpubbing still has significant unique challenges of its own, of course, which have to be evaluated so that you can tell (as the commercials say) if they're right for you.
But if you're thinking of a career in what's usually being referred to these days as "traditional publishing", then you face a number of challenges that don't necessarily come with the self-publishing end of things. In particular: many publishing houses no longer consider manuscripts that come to them un-agented. So you're going to need to find an agent who's willing to represent your work... and this is a task that no longer looks anything like what it did when I found mine. (Or rather, when he found me, having been recommended to me by one of my editors. I've been with him for even longer than I've been with @petermorwood... and that's saying something. But this is yet another way in which my career's been wildly atypical.)
There is so much that could be said about this subject alone—the business of researching agencies to see which one seems like a good fit for you, the art of writing the perfect query letter to get their attention focused on a given book, and so much more—that I could hardly begin to even skim the surface of it here. There are whole websites devoted to shopping for agents, not to mention how to pitch yourself and your work to a given literary agency.
Let me leave this whole subject here for the moment. We can come back to it another time, because right now you need to be thinking this through. ...This I'll say, however. For the past six to nine months I've been pulling together links to various online resources that can be beneficial to new writers just getting started. These will be available as posts over at the FicFoundry.com site that I'm going to be bringing online before summer. I'm hoping to build that into kind of a compendium site or clearing house for online resources on this subject. We'll see how it goes.
Meanwhile, thanks for inquiring about this. You're standing at the first branching of what I'm hoping will be, for you at least, a fascinating variant of the Choose Your Own Adventure genre. :)
More on this later.
("Wait. Did she just call us idiots??")
*Now that we live in the era of just-in-time warehousing, this is something that fortunately doesn't happen much any more... as far as I know. But once upon a time, if somebody's new best-seller was going to the warehouse in its many thousands of copies, and your relatively-less-well-selling book was taking up space that could be used by the other author's "more valuable"/higher-priced titles, your books (5-10K of them, in my case) were simply thrown into a machine and turned into papery mush. And these go on your sales record as "unsold copies". (sigh) Some discussion of this phenomenon can be found over here.
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what a niche whump thing you enjoy?
hi, hello, sorry for replying to this so late but thank you so much for the ask!
here’s some niche tropes i love (some are more hyperspecific than specifically niche but you get the spirit)
oxygen masks! everything about them!! the way the fog up and obscure whumpee's face, making their status as Sick Person faster noticed than their individual personhood; the way they muffle whumpee's voice when talking, especially if they're very weak; as a matter of fact, i'm also feral about them being gently instructed not to talk while on oxygen; all these are even better when you make whumpee all sleepy and delirious on top of everything
warm compresses! we all know and love cool cloths for fevers and whatnot, but i see little appreciation for the toasty ones which is a shame because warmth is something so comforting and kind; speaking of compresses, i also have an oddly hyperspecific liking for when they're put not only over the forehead but also the eyes; also when the cloth catches some of the bang hairs underneath it>>; also consider all that but with whumpee being bathed and caretaker gently putting a warm water-soaked washcloth over their eyes MMM YEAH.
whumper being gentle and kind. and I don't even mean necessarily in a "creepy comfort" kind of way(though that smacks too) - more like, despite being a whumper, they're kind, patient and empathetic towards whumpee's struggle (even if a lot of it was inflicted by whumper themselves). what perfectly evokes that vibe i'm thinking of is that post.
whumpee falling asleep in a warm bath post-rescue. what else can i say
man, something about *professors* in whump. creepy genius lecturer who does unethical experiments or is a serial killer, maybe their whumpee is a helpless student... on the flipside, consider professor whumpee - something about someone smart, fortified in their ivory tower, perhaps emotionally detached, getting their absolute shit rocked; also consider a hurt/comfort scenario where they get cared for by another academic fellow or even a student (live laugh love role reversal). what about caretaker professors - imagine them being very gentle and protective over their students, perhaps caring for them like their own children when sick or otherwise Woed in some way.
doctors, anatomy lecturers, surgeons and such as serial killers!! or maybe torturing someone!! they're skilled with the knife, know all the ins and outs of the human body and use the knowledge they were given for the sake of good to be evil instead.
as mentioned above - role reversals!!! one of my favourites is doctor-turned-patient: they can understand exactly what's happening to them and how they'd treat it but now they're forced to put their life in the hands of others just like countless people put theirs in their hands (even better if their medical team is made up of colleagues - consider the possibility of them being cared for by friends or workplace rivals<33)
grief as emotional whump!!whumpee struggling to get out of bed and take care of themselves,the sheer trauma of it all, being constantly panicked, angry and depressed, the possibility of developing complex grief/PTSD(with all the tasty symptoms)
kind resraints <33 having to tie up a traumatised, overwhelmed whumpee after rescue because in their blind panic they keep on trying to elope or hurt themselves and others, maybe even gagging them so that they can't bite; reassuring them that it's for their own good and because caretaker(s) loves them; caretaker ensuring to restrain them as loosely and gently as possible, using the softest of cloth; also caretaker being absolutely heartbroken seeing them like that and feeling unbearably guilty that they have to do it
blanket burritos!! plz i need more content of whumpees being swaddled and cuddled till all their anxiety or chills or pain or anything leaves them as they drop into deep sleep
as a matter of fact,in hurt/comfort we also need a loooot more non-sexual direct skin contact. not just as means of emergency rewarming in case of hypothermia but generally for the sake of comfort and closeness
something about passive voice..."they were"+choked", "tied up", "dragged", "sedated", "held", "cleaned up", "warmed", "cuddled"...
this is extremely obscure but you know how sometimes in movies ,when captive whumpee is gagged with a cloth or something, by the pattern of the fabric you can tell that it was something random like a kitchen towel grabbed on the go? yeah...(esp in a domestic whump scenario); also when said cloth (or maybe also even the ones used for the ropes) is torn from whumpee's own clothes? good shit (something like that happens in the green knight, this movie is peak whump, h/c and angst material, begging y'all to watch it)
SCHOOL/CAMP BULLIES!!!!! love the trope of some poor nerd being used for some abusive prank. even better if a teacher is caretaker afterwards
in film: that dim, orange-ish lighting when we get a shot of restlessly asleep feverish whumpee in bed
ive made a post about this already but: whumpee with long, luscious hair getting it agressively chopped off(with a knife, even??) by their enemies when they're captured to humiliate them
caretaker calling whumpee “buddy”
whumpee's parent being caretaker!! imagine them gently caring for a delirious whumpee who clings to them, weakly calling out "mom/dad?". even better if whumpee is a grown adult now; just as good - whumpee's parent being their whumper! (maybe even the actual archenemy/villain of whumpee if they're a hero). imagine them torturing them and whumpee crying out "mom/dad, you're hurting me!" again, even better if whumpee is all grown up.
lmao this turned out RIDICULOUSLY long, im sorry if its incoherent, its 3am here and i power through by the force of a chocolate bar and the will of god. anyways, i hope you enjoyed, if anyone writes something inspired by these tropes plz plz share with me, id eat that shit up.
(everyone plz keep on sending me asks, answering them is so fun<33)
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hi! :D
so i bingeread ALL of your lore posts last night (theyre all SO GOOD you analyze things so so so so well)
whatre your feelings on scarian/mumscarian?
hi!! thank you so much. I believe I recognise you from notifs (I was really flattered to see someone reading through my posts). it's such an honor for me :) I'm so glad that there are people who share my point of view even regarding things that have so many different (much more popular) fanon interpretations. especially with grumbo!
I don't want to dissapoint you after this kind feedback, but I don't really like either of them. there are several reasons for it (highly subjective; by all means, I have no intentoins of reassuring you or hurting your feelings, I'll just try to explain):
grumbo is my OTP in its original sense: One True Pairing. there is a time period (S7 post-election + turf war) where I fanonise Mumbo and Scar dating (I'm planning to make a post about that I promise it all makes perfect sense!), and also I really like Martyn's desperate crush on Mumbo in the deathloop, but the main story, both on Hermitcraft and in Life Series, is 100% about grumbo in my eyes. in every arc of every season of whatever project, I can explain in details where I see grumbo.
even! in the endgame of 3rd life, Grian is thinking of Mumbo (there's one particular moment cut from Grian's POV but saved in Scar's).
so. they have always been my priority, and scarian didn't stand a chance against them in the first place :D
I can't imagine Grian being romantically drawn to Scar or vice versa. I see them as failure of friends, rivals, enemies or someone else platonically, more complex than words can express in this already not-so-little post, and their canon and romantic fanon dynamic is not my cup of tea.
their interactions are proportionally more toxic than tender, and Grian already has so much feelings for Mumbo that for me there's no room for developing another equally detailed and strong love story.
I'm all for polyamory (I've had such experience in the past myself), but somehow I can't enjoy mumscarian; in the existing content, I never see them interpreted as equal partners. the trend the problem of not developing either Mumbo or Scar in these pairings with Grian is a topic for another long and tiring discussion.
mumscarian seems to me like a compromise scarian fans make just to include Mumbo when they don't really know what to do with him. if it sounds salty, it really is, unfortunalely-- I don't like how Mumbo is portrayed most of times. mumscarian content always feels like... "ah, desert duo and their usual stuff! ...and this guy, too", and meanwhile I love Mumbo's content and personality both in c! and cc! versions so much I can cry about it. you get my point.
sorry for dumping this into this post, and sorry for perhaps not lining with your expectations :D
this way or another, Scar is a great character with his own motives, feelings and desires, and I (hope I) do my best to interpret him as a deep and detailed character whenever I include him in different AUs and narratives.
my co-author and I even have an AU (in a completely different setting and atmosphere) with a bit of scarian and antagonist/villian Scar. but I can say no more :> I already feel guilty for taking so much of your time, and this idea is kinda secret from public since we want to create something with it one day
thank you for an inbox and your precious feedback again, dear anon! pleasure to talk to you :)
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I wanted to get your point of view on an issue. I've just been reading you, but your answers are always precise and intelligent, so I'll proceed! I'm not someone who likes to compare different works, or who gets stuck in one thing while denying the rest or what a biased part... but let's face it: the TIOY will probably only be saved due to Nicholas' singing performances. The plot is really obvious and banal (and I won't go into comparisons with Harry Styles because it's a real minefield) and honestly I haven't even seen this incredible chemistry with Anne (which was missing from the RWRB trailer immediately outside). I'll get to the point: I noticed that the two times Nicholas talked about the
project (the last one just the other evening) he seemed not totally at ease, contracted, not enthusiastic in short. The narrative of calling on his co-star Annie to show off the chemistry (I remember he didn't answer the famous question promptly, but said "I should probably say her") is obviously a PR move so I expect them to try to make pass it all off as something it isn't. So I think he is aware of the mediocrity of the product. I also found him cold for M&G but in that case it was clear that the matter had involved him anyway. I won't say anything about rwrb because his eyes speak for themselves. What do you think of all this? Thanks for the reply ❤️
Firstly thank you for the compliment, that's very kind of you 💕
I don't think it would be fair to judge TIOY so soon since the trailer's barely been out for a week, but I will say my own opinion on the project first:
I haven't read the book, frankly I don't have access to it, but while I don't hold any really negative thoughts regarding the premise, it isn't ... that exciting to me? Like it sounds fun, but I've read a fair amount of fics across fandoms with the same/similar premise. Plus from my Chinese celebrity experience, it kind of feels like it's feeding into the "dreamgirl" mindset which I feel iffy about
I also don't see the "incredibly chemistry"with Anne, it's better than what I saw in Cinderella with Camila (that was really freaking felt like besties) and it's there, but it's not what I felt with rwrb (then again I'm not sure how objective I am) but then again, we only have the trailer, so we'll have to wait and see to make a fair judgement
I actually got an ask about Nick answering the chemistry question that I haven't gotten around answering (I've gotten a lot, and I mean a lot of asks these couple of days and I'm also a full time student 😅) so I'll probably answer this point in more detail in that ask, but basically while I don't know it's a complete lie and he did have some genuine connection with Anne, it might be slightly exaggerated because of promo/PR reasons.
Forgive me, but I don't really look too much into how they talk about their work unless it's blatantly obvious, so I won't comment on what you said about him being tenser.
As for M&G:
I don't think Nick's acting cold when it comes to M&G, but also please keep in mind that M&G is something VASTLY different to any of his previous projects.
I actually have thoughts on what M&G means to Nick: it was a really, really hard job, arguably his hardest to date, but he's happy with what came out and has a sense of satisfaction from the work done: Nick often describes the process of shooting M&G as "gruelling", and he got hurt a lot, A LOT on that set. Also a lot was demanded from him in that role: (mild spoilers for M&G till *) a complex character who's recognizable from who he was in the first episode, sleeping with a lot of people, fencing, dancing, speaking French, horse riding, falling off a horse and deliberately running into a tree, filming in a flaming forest, etc. It was a lot, and a job like this doesn't come with entirely happy memories. Like I do believe the cast and crew were great, and Nick made really good friends, but just what entailed definitely took a lot out of him. So I think he's happy with the final product, but if you have him summarize the project, I think he'd say something along "learned a lot", "fulfilling" rather than something like "a joy", what he used for rwrb. So Nick might have a little more complicated feelings towards M&G, but I really don't think it's entirely negative.
But rwrb is something entirely different. It arguably gained the most traction and caused one of the biggest positive changes in his career, and there's also a bunch of personal, private connections and emotions there that we don't know about. So while M&G is a roller coaster, RWRB is a mostly happy experience.
Althought disclaimer, all of the above if my observation from what Nick has said, posted or done, and my own understanding of it. I do not or cannot actually speak for Nick.
I hope this helps? I think I might have gone off a tangent (I'm answering this while taking notes in a law lecture, fuck yeah multitasking 😅) so let me know if I missed something
#anon ask#answered#nicholas galitzine#rwrb#red white and royal blue#rwrb movie#the idea of you#mary and george
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I just read your James Norrington post. I really liked it, I've been looking for stuff on him. If it's not to repetitive may I please request more romantic Yandere James Norrington with a pirate reader (she's part of Jack's crew), at all his character ark stages. Like commodore, reluctant pirate, regaining his status through betrayal, and finally his redemption (au where he lives). Thank you.
Sure thing--I'm not tired of writing for him. He is my favorite character of the whole franchise, but I get the feeling that the producers did not want us to care about him much. I'm also disappointed that there's little content on him. :(
obsession, spoilers
Yandere James Norrington with a Pirate
Commodore
For obvious reasons, the commodore doesn't think too highly of you initially
He is an idealistic man--fighting for justice, or at least what he deems to be so--and you self-serving pirates represent the antithesis of what he stands for
He worked hard for his position up to lieutenancy, and then his role as a commodore, while you and your kind steal and thieve your way to success
Although Norrington never was able to catch Jack Sparrow, the same cannot be said about individuals of his crew...
Perhaps in his pursuit to save Elizabeth, and his various scuffles with pirates in the process, he manages to imprison you
While you're stuck, imprisoned on the brig, he might as well see if you can be of use and provide him some information about Sparrow
What he doesn't expect, however, is to find you so attractive, especially for a pirate, disheveled and dirty, sitting on the filthy floors of the brig
And once he gets to talking with you, he finds that you have more in common than he would have thought
Despite being a pirate, you have some personal code of honour and sense of loyalty
This is when Norrington's obsession first culminates
He held some physical level attraction to you since he saw you, but now he feels that, after knowing you better, he can rehabilitate you and help you find the err in your piracy
During this phase of his character ark, his intense affection manifests through a saviour complex
He does not want you to hang, as would be his normal policy towards pirates, because he believes you can be saved
(And his stomach lurches at the thought of you dead)
Before he can actually manifest his plans, however, you slip away, unbeknownst to him
After dealing with Barbarossa's undead crew, a strange longing to see you and talk with you
Only, when he checks, your cell, after the whole ordeal, you aren't there
And all the while you're gone, his resentment of the captain Jack Sparrow grows for taking you away
Piracy
Disgraced and burned by his destroyed ship in pursuing Sparrow, he goes into hiding
While his interest in you before, as a commodore, was certainly unusual and intense, now, stuck in the echoes of his own mind, his fixation spirals
The copious amounts of alcohol surely doesn't help either
It is in his desperate enlisting to the Black Pearl that he finds you again--no longer so disheveled as during your imprisonment
Even after so long from your escape, he can't help the jolt in his heart from seeing you again
The fallen commodore's fixation is no longer along that lines that he can rehabilitate you--how can he when he can't even help himself?
Now, he is more honest with himself that he desires you, he wants to be with you, and after losing all his titles, there's no reason he can't now
In this stage of his character, it’s likely that he will be forthright in his intention—flirting with you outright
He is no longer a commodore, and the stoic, strong front he portrays from his experience in the navy is no longer necessary
He dreams of restoring his lost honor, and when he does, you best believe that he will take you with him
And a lucky break comes for him through the heart of Davy Jones
Admiral
This is where he’s most dangerous
Restored to his previous honour, and promoted to admiral, you are helpless to the power he has
And Lord Beckett surely wouldn't mind if he takes one measly pirate for himself
But all the while, he thinks about you...you're clearly not cut for piracy, and likely forced into it
He will take you away from the cruel and unbefitting world of piracy
And once he learns that the man he trusted and dedicated his services to betrayed his trust, his determination to sweep you away blooms tenfold
Lord Beckett had killed Governor Swan, someone Norrington trusted and admired
The incident is enough to send his obsession over the edge
After releasing the prisoners from the brig, he severs the ties between the Empress and the Dutchman
You come with him on a separate dinghy
And if you resist, confused by his actions and your sudden kidnap, he will point his pistol at you, telling you to comply with him for your own good
Norrington doesn't intend to shoot you, no matter what, but it is more to calm your struggles and your confusion
He insists this is for your "own good", but the single-minded and determined look across his face makes you worry if he might be more of a threat to you
Redemption
James Norrington wouldn't marry you--at least in an official manner
You have to remember that marriage serves as a business transaction, not solely for the spirit of love, or at least in this time
He would certainly take care of you as a spouse, just that there's no official records of such
Besides, he wants to hide you from the cruelty of the world as much as possible, and a marriage with you would just herald your existence to the world...to the evil who might wish you harm...
Undoubtedly his betrayal to Lord Beckett would hurt his professional prospects, but perhaps with time, he can regain a position of some valour
His dedication to service and honest work speak for him as much as his accomplishments
And if he ever regains a position of power again, your chances at escape are even slimmer
He is not paranoid, but he would feel at more ease to take certain...precautions...to prevent you from harm...or escape
He will be very dedicated to you, though he isn't particularly adept in expressing the earnest love he feels for you
But, if you ever manage to escape from his grasp...
Then you would truly see the depth of his obsession
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