#just realized i fucked up the quote and its pissing me off so edited. go fuck yourself
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you'll never guess which movie i finally watched after 2 years of being lazy
#dont you just love it when your artstyle changes like 5 times in the span of a day#i saw emmachen1003 give them the glove type thingys and went “that looks cool. im stealing it”#so uhm. props to them for being awesome and making cool art#anyways that was a fun movie#not gonna say the title here cause i think it messes with searching and i dont wanna do that#that n frame is like the first time i have ever done a decent angle/perspective thing#im so proud of it you don't even know#murder drones#murder drones uzi#murder drones n#serial designation n#murder drones nori#absolute solver#i guess#or is it absolutesolver#whatever#oh yeah uhmm#murder drones episode 7#murder drones episode 7 spoilers#murder drones spoilers#its been 2 weeks but im gonna give it another day just to be safe#just realized i fucked up the quote and its pissing me off so edited. go fuck yourself
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Twilight Re-watch Notes Pt. 1 - A Contest for the Worst Movie Quote in History
I'd like to think I'm funny so please enjoy my scene-by-scene notes from a recent Twilight Saga re-watch.
Hey Catherine Hardwicke, opening with the death of an animal was probably not the best choice but go off I guess??
There is a lot of general Bella awkwardness that I'm skipping over here but the scene in gym class is so horrifically, painfully uncomfortable that I almost passed out from the second-hand embarrassment.
Jessica trying her best to be fake nice to the human embodiment of a crumpled soda can: "Aren't people from Arizona like....really tan"
Bella with all the cadence of a child who just found out Santa isn't real: "yeah..I guess that's why they kicked me out"
Mike clearly just trying to get his dick wet: "HAHAH you are funny"
no mike she is not.
I'm not gonna go into the biology class scene because god knows tumblr has beaten that particular horse to death. BUT the scene in the administration office immediately after that is a TRIP. Edward has one of his most dramatic lines here when they won't let him switch classes: “I’ll just have to endure it” ?!?!?!?!?!?! This is INSANITY, he sounds like he's going to burst into tears like Edward please chill you aren't even being a little subtle.
I will never get over Bella trying to put Ketchup on her burger and then just???? giving up???? when it doesn't come out after she limply shakes it approximately once.
“HOW YOU LIKIN DA RAIN GIRL” Is our first contender for the worst and most unnatural line in movie history, and trust me there are plenty more.
Bella accusatorily saying “you were gone” to Edward as if this dude who she met for approximately 30 minutes 2 weeks ago owes her even a PALTRTY SCRAP of an explanation about anything???????
Actually, this whole scene is a horrific nightmare of awkward intrusive conversation:
“You’re asking me about the weather” HOE WHAT ELSE ARE YOU GONNA TALK ABOUT YOU DON’T KNOW EACH OTHER
“hey did you get contacts” WHO JUST ASKS THAT?!?
and of course; “it’s the fluorescents” [RUNS AWAY]
Charlie and Bella have the only organic-sounding dialogue in the entire movie. Any awkwardness they have is BELIEVABLE father-daughter awkwardness and not like "I'm being forced to film this against my will" awkwardness like every other exchange in this film series.
Bella asks Edward ALL OF ONCE about him saving her from the truck and Edward gets so haughty and smug thinking that Bella won't figure it out
“you’re not gonna let this go are you?” “no” “then I hope you enjoy disappointment” [storms off] MY DUDE LITERALLY 2 SCENES LATER SHE FIGURES IT OUT IN 3 GOOGLE CLICKS
“I had an adrenaline rush, it’s very common you can google it” contender number two for the terrible dialogue award.
Edward saying “if you were smart you would stay away from me” AFTER HE APPROACHED HER LIKE FUCK OFF [skeleton throwing its own skull gif]
Kstew got a lot of flack for her performance in this movie but when she has a good partner to exchange lines with she SHINES. The scene with Angela and her at the beach where she tells her to ask Eric to prom is GOOD. EVERY scene with Charlie in THIS ENTIRE FRANCHISE is GOOD. It is nothing but pure misogyny that Rpatz didn’t catch any flack for his truly, horrifically awkward performance
I cannot believe Stephanie thought it would be a good idea to have Edward save Bella from potentially getting gang r*ped like I get it girl is about the drama but still this is just a TOOOUCH too far
“your hand is so cold,” WHO SAYS THIS TO SOMEONE THEY BARELY KNOW COMPLETELY UNPROMPTED???
SHE TRIES TO REFUSE CARRYING BEAR MACE WHEN SHE WAS ALMOST R*PED NOT 4 HOURS PREVIOUSLY LIKE SIS CARRY A KNIFE?!?!?!?!?
The “you’re impossibly fast & strong” monologue is so bad I want to barf
“I’ve killed people before” “doesn’t matter” BITCH YES IT DOES WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
“MY OWN PERSONAL BRAND OF HEROIN” IS SO BAD. Like we all recognize how bad this is right? Especially when one considered the target demographic for these films, i.e. teenage girls, have NO FUCKING FRAME OF REFERENCE FOR THIS WHAT.SO.EVER.
“And so the lion fell in love with the lamb” YOU’VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR ALL OF 3 SECONDS I CAN’T WITH Y'ALL. AT LEAST THE BOOK HAD SOME BUILD-UP JESUS GEEZUS
Who thought this meadow scene was a good idea, they need to be sent straight to hell. WHY ARE THEY LAYING DOWN LIKE, SIT MAYBE?????? IT’S SO WEIRD AND UNNATURAL THEY LOOK LIKE DOLLS I HATE IT
The scene where they get out of the car and Edward puts his arm around Bella while Spotlight by Mutemath plays in the background is TOP TIER teen drama bs and I love it. Far and away the best shot in the movie apart from The Baseball Scene(TM).
I will never get over the fact that Edward's bitch ass rats Bella out for already eating when she comes over to meet his family. BE FUCKING COOL EDWARD FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, GOD!!!
Esme is too pure for this world I can’t deal with her, & Emmet waving the knife is my favorite thing in all 5 of these movies
Why tf are Alice and Jasper fucking off doing god knows what in a tree and not helping with dinner like everyone else? Y'all ain't special even Rosalie is helping
Esme talking to Rosalie “Clean this up..now” I LOVE YOU BE MY MOM
Earlier they talk about the fact that vampires don’t sleep BUT the first thing Bella says when she walks into Edward's room is “no bed” girl we know what you after you ain't slick.....
WHAT IS THIS DANCING SCENE IN HIS BEDROOM IT’S HORRIBLE TO WATCH and I want to find whoever thought “well I could always make you” was a good line for Edward to say and slap them directly in the mouth.
“hold on tight spider monkey” excuse me while I VOMIT
Mike offering his opinion on Bella dating Edward HOWEVER justified is automatically invalidated by A. his own romantic interest in Bella and B. the fact that he has also know Bella for all of 10 minutes & has no bearing on her personal life whatsoever
THE PAST COUPLE OF MONTHS THIS MAN HAS BEEN COMING INTO HER ROOM AND WATCHING HER SLEEP THIS IS RED FLAG CITY LIKE BELLA WATCH A TRUE CRIME DOCUMENTARY OR READ THE NEWS FOR FUCKS SAKE
THIS FRANCHISE HAS THE MOST HORRIBLE KISSING SCENES IN MOVIE HISTORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN HEAR LITERALLY EVERY BREATH, EVERY AWKWARD PRESS OF LIPS. You're telling me THIS was the best take of this???? CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW AWKWARD THIS WAS TO FILM
The whole scene when Bella is telling her dad about her date with Edward is absolutely god tier. Charlie snapping the barrel of the shotgun closed, him motioning that he has a halo on, asking her if she still has her pepper spray. BILLY BURKE LIFTED THIS MOVIE UP AND TRIED SO HARD TO CARRY IT ON HIS BROAD, MUSTACHIOED DAD SHOULDERS, WE STAN
WHERE TO START WITH THE BASEBALL SCENE:
Supermassive Black Hole in the background, Alice going AWF with her pitching, Rosalie getting all pissed when Bella says she's out and Emmett yells "c'mon babe it's just a game" like the puppy dog of a person (vampire?) he is, CARLISLE WEARING A SCARF WHILE PLAYING BASEBALL, I WILL NEVER EMOTIONALLY RECOVER FROM JASPERS BAT TRICKS, EMMET AND EDWARDS LAUGH AFTER CRASHING INTO ONE ANOTHER.
A TRULY IMMACULATE MOVIE SCENE. This scene isn’t long enough
“My monkey man” might be the worst line in this movie, I’m so torn between which one is the worst. Also, I'm just now realizing that this is the second time someone has compared a loved one to some type of monkey and I really don't like it.
Bella's defeated “I can’t hurt him” breaks my heart every time. AND FUCKING BILLY BURKE pulling out his acting chops with Charlie’s poor little broken sounding “I know I’m not that much fun to be around we can do more stuff together” & “I just gotcha back” LIKE LITERALLY EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS SCENE HURTS ME ON A PHYSICAL LEVEL AND I AM ENTITLED TO FINANCIAL COMPENSATION
I know I've skipped over a lot but it's just a lot of like star wipe level montage of nonsense, so we are mOVING ON to what is possibly the biggest plot hole I've never recognized before now: How in the hell was James planning on luring Bella out if he didn’t find that videotape of Bella's mom looking for her????? Or was he just going to bust up in the holiday inn, metaphorical guns blazing & toss Bella out a window???
This fight scene between James & Edward is VERY poorly choreographed and you can practically see the stunt wires pulling on their clothes but no one is surprised..this is Twilight after all.
Who the fuck starts the fire in the ballet studio if Carlisle & Edward are with Bella, Jasper and Emmet are holding James's arms and Alice is ripping his head off???? Esme and Rosalie aren't there so the only explanation is that Emmett's power Stephanie never told us about is his ability to start small, controlled, indoor bonfires with his mind.
If Bella was losing blood from her femoral artery it is HIGHLY UNLIKELY that she would have been cognizant enough to tell them her hand was burning + THERE’S A BIG ASS BITE HOW DID THEY MISS IT???
Let Me Sign is such a good fucking song. Actually, while we're on music every song on every Twilight Saga soundtrack SLAPS. At least 1 department at Summit Entertainment was staffed with competent people. (side note, why the fuck do I know the studio by name that made this movie. I need to go lie down)
Bella acting a damn fool in the hospital bed like clingy much
CHARLIE IS SUCH A GOOD DAD FUCK!
The Edward/Jacob beef is so dramatic at prom can you both chill for 5 minutes we haven't even gotten to y'alls bullshit yet that's not until New Moon.
Bella really thought this mfer was gonna turn her at prom in the middle of the dancefloor??????????
Flightless Bird American Mouth. That's it, that's the bullet point
Victoria coming to prom, like we stan a dramatic bitch.
I will almost CERTAINLY post my New Moon (Extended Edition) notes in a few days. & yes I do have notes on the entire franchise.
#I had a lot more but I cut it down#a lot of my extra stuff was just talking about RPatz slipping inexplicably into a Spanish accent from time to time#no one seems to notice#but I fucking do#I hear the way he says 'so you're worried' and want to caCKLE OUT LOUD#I'm not nearly as funny as I think I am but ask me if I give a fuck#baby I will subject you to my poor humor#Twilight#Twilight Saga
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Haikyuu characters as things said in the hhcu
a/n: this is pure humor and just something fun, the hhcu is wild and says stupid shit more than once a day so i complied a ridiculously long list of quotes and put them together in this list to share with yall so please enjoy, read more because again this is so long also pt 2. some of these r pretty nsfw so uh yeah <3
Oikawa: When he gives up his torso 😍
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Nishinoya: Fisherman daddy
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Bokuto: I trust no condiments
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Osamu: YELLOW BAD OIKAWA IS NOT ALLOWED IN MY KITCHEN
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Tendou: Give ass in shiratorizawa?
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Atsumu: Garlic air freshener
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Nishinoya talking about his sex life: ITS THE GOOD OL FASHIONED POW POW GRUNT GRUNT WINDOW WASHER ULTIMATE FRISBEE DICK CONNECTOR
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Hinata: thank you!! also my oven melted??? and caught on fire 😰
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Yaku probably thinking abt kuroo while saying this: not gonna front im terrified of the live action grinch and if i ever see him its on sight
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Kageyama: Except that one mustard faze I had
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Lev after yaku kicks him yet again: NO INCH ACTIVE INCH VERY ACTIVE
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Suga after Kiyoko holds his hands: premarital eye contact is already a sin
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Iwaizumi realizing Oikawa probably wouldn’t know the difference between hawaiian rolls and milk bread: when he says hit it till it breaks, he means the packaging of hawaiin rolls
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All of Seijoh to Oikawa: You know whats really sexy? Self care.
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Hoshihumi: like a three year old. still baby but also evil at times🤡
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Oikawa right before his death: "MORNING HAJI!~" slaps tiddie
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Anyone falling on love with haikyuu boys: hey a good reverse harem never hurt anyone
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Idk who says it but terushima would do this: places his hand to my heart but then hes like heh heh boob squishy
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Tendou: centrepical force saved my bag of chocolate!!
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Lev thinking it was a literary masterpiece: *reads about a fourth of the bee movie*
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Hinata making fun of Kageyama: milk is better than the feeling of the ball touching your fingertips during a perfect set
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Hinata and Kageyama failing tests: thats just the dumbass in me babey!!!
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Atsumu simply trying to annoy Osamu: Are y’all meaning to tell me you DON’T take your raw chicken on walks through the city?
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Yahaba: PUSSY ALWAYS LEAVES
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Mattsun just to annoy everyone: yall ever think about how in the 50s and 60s they just put raw hotdogs or shrimp into jello and ate that shit and enjoyed it???
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Suga: i am now crying and my boyfriend is concerned and i can’t tell him that I’ve lost my husband and children
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Kenma; Smh my head
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Bokuto: Sorry not all of us can have double decker extra stuffed bottoms up extra large super sized t n a like me🥰🥰💅💅
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Everyone to bokuto: titty enthusiast ✨✨
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Me to kuroo: sorry babe youre a scorpio you dont have any rights anymore
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Tendou: i accidentally lit a baby on fire
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Atsumu: This feels real human centipede
Bokuto: theyre not ass to mouth
Atsumu: Close enough
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Bokuto when a minor inconvience happens: Why are we still here? Just to suffer? Every day, I wake up....
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Sakusa: Remove your lips from my penis
Atsumu: I use a gluestick as chapstick i cant
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Goshiki: Arson or boot in my book, set fire to something live a little
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Tsukishima: I don’t like recieving pain. It hurts
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Kenma annoyed w kuroo: Put your dick in the fucking catfish’s pussy then
Kuroo being annoying: How deep is catfish pussy
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Makki to Mattsun: Ayo babe what if we fucked on the catfish tank
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Kiyoko tiredly, to Tanaka: I’m not putting salt and pepper on my pussy lips
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Saeko: I’ve got that Deep dish, super soaker, wet, succulent dripping honey suckle like sweet marinated mooseknuckle, extra thick, slip n slide, water park, waterbender, extra ribbed, the seven seas, gorilla grip, flex tape, primordial soup Dwayne the Rock Johnson, Cardi B, Megan Thee Stallion pussy
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Atsumu not really knowing what cooch means: I got the body builder cooch
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Oikawa after not sleeping to train, extremely sleep deprived: youre got unending
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Goshiki; Commit arson
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Akaashi: I leave for 10 minutes and Bokuto is 240v (mouth edition) fuckmaster pro 4000 with semen drip collection tray, automated self-lubricating 6 speed pulsating pussy and built in Polycrystalline floatable silicon
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Oikawa; I’m coming to murk your ass xoxo
Iwa: I will literally shiv you bitch
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Kindaichi: ✨ bob duncan exterminates you asmr✨
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Makki: I’ll try to find my favorite about Jacob sartorius vampire babies with Hillary Clinton
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Kenma after playing some obscure video game: also i can’t sleep😔 too busy thinking about human sized bats
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ME fuck yall im carpetting my bathroom: you already put rugs in the bathroom might as well carpet that bitch
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Kuroo talking abt something sciency idk: LIKE A BODY WIG
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Seijoh when iwa throws balls at oikawa: spousal abuse right in front of my salad
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Hinata making up some new stupid song: Ants on a log ants on a log
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Atsumu to piss off Osamu once more: world f amous allegra chicken
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Semi: Gay little Ushijima’s left hand
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Bokuto: Are you disagreeing with the fact that I am thicc as phuck
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Kiyoko: Guys is it uh... is it possible to sprain a titty cause.... Uh....
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Terushima: He laughed at the end of his own joke what a fuckin chad
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Bokuto: IS THAT THE DOG FROM ZOOTOOIA
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Kageyama: milk is kinda like organ paint huh
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Nishinoya: i don’t think socks taste good
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Tendou: out of your mummy, into my tummy
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Hinata; shout out to me who thought chickens had four legs until last summer
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Oikawa Hanger: I WANNA HANG MY CLOTHES ON HIM
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Kenma: What a little pissbaby
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Yamaguchi: i am literally so curious about what it's like to kiss a boy that it's almost killing me
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Daichi about Suga: he may be cute, but istg there’s some kind of raging devil trapped in him
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Saeko: fuck society my titties are out
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Hinata after getting lecture by everyone for sneaking into the training camp: GOOD NEWS MY DAD IS NOT GOING TO PUT ME IN THE OVEN
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Just me thinking abt any first years: children. toddlers. Tikes.
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Me waiting for the fever: When is malaria?
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Uhhhhh probably tendou his vibes: Ill electrocute his cock
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Akaashi just go w it probably about bokuto: Why is he shoving cheese up the pussy
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Osamu tiredly: Ooey gooey cheesy chicken vagaina
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Nishinoya trying to catch a very large fish: Dom the Crab
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Bonus crabagraph: The crabs death reverberated and struck fear into the hearts of all crabs in existence because of this one 60+ year old mans volatile universe-crunching swing. Dude defied the laws of gravity by simply getting pinched by the crab. Man just reinvented the laws of physics and all of science due to the sheer force of will and untapped wellsprings if potential unleashed by the crab. If aliens show up it’s because the supersonic radio waves released by the banging of the crab against the cabinet are the first ever created in the universe. Man could cause a ripple in space-time with his crab launching abilities. Guy probably opened a gateway into another universe when he launched the crab. You see how the cabinet door opened and stayed open? It’s because this elder tore a hole through the fabric of reality to the Other Side simply because he experienced a minor bit of pain. The way he released a defeated roar of agony. The ancient gods awoke from their deep slumber and this old man single-handedly revived all his ancestors. New wars are about to start because of the way this man broke the barriers containing this reality into one fixed area. This universe is now expanding at such a rapid rate the the geosphere will now be reshaped. This man probably unknowingly blasted a hole in the other side of the planet because the shockwaves of the aggressive rippling effect of this poor crustacean slamming at lightning speed into a small wooden frame. The crabs insides were probably fused into the shell because this man’s angry, rage filled, pain filled battering ram of an arm throwing him through every known dimension and re-arriving in this one at the mere moment to experience the most pain a crab ever has or will in the rest of the existence of crabs. This elderly man probably has phased through and broken every human limiter known to man just because he got a minor pinch by a crab. He probably is bio-medically fused with crab DNA at this point. A legend.
#incorrect haikyuu#incorrect haikyuu quotes#nishinoya#osamu#atsumu#oikawa#yamaguchi#suga#kiyoko#tendou#bokuto#akaashi#terushima#yaku#lev#hinata#kageyama#kenma#kuroo#kindaichi#semi#iwaizumi#did i get everyone#okay#enjoy this
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really funny and stupid soulmate au request: whatever your soulmate is singing, you automatically join them in a duet wherever you are (any ship is good)
okay full disclaimer, I have n o i d e a what this is, the words just kinda happened and its really memey but somehow works ??
_______
ship: ralbert
genere: meme floof with a side of theater nerds
warnings: mikeys dog, too many bill wurtz references, comrades, an obscene amount of winking, Albert is a disaster lighting technician and race has no respect for lighting gels, high school musical
words: 1832 wat
editing: nah comrade
_______
If anyone knew anything about Albert it was that he always carried a packet of rosemary in his left pocket “in case he ran out of weed,” that he was trying to get excommunicated from the catholic church “just for lols,” and that he hated high school musical. The last one was particularly damning because all of his friends were theater nerds. (Albert prefered to yell at all of them from the lighting booth and assert his dominance by randomly having people shine the spotlight into the wings where people made out during rehearsal.) He had even gone as far to ban the soundtrack from ever being sang in his presence. Spot said his unrequited hatred for the movies were directly related to the fact that he had not yet found his soulmate and he didn’t like them because it portrayed love he had not yet found, but Albert loudly disagreed saying that the plots were merely just “shit on a stick.”
Cue Racetrack Higgins, the hot new kid in town.
When he showed up to the audition for the school musical, some dumb title that Albert hadn’t taken the time to note (he only had two brain cells and one of them was reserved for figuring out where he was gonna get his weed from and the other was reserved for coming up with new ways to get excommunicated), he had not expected to see a literal angel.
Alright so maybe it wasn’t an angel. Rather, a blonde kid who looked kinda vaguely like a beanpole. And quoting Bill Wurtz. Couldn’t forget that.
The ethereal beanpole had introduced himself after a particularly memorable incident about ten minutes before the audition started. Somehow, he had ended up on the catwalk holding a stack of painstakingly organized gels over the edge as if he were about to drop them.
Now, Albert was not the most organized lighting technician and he did enjoy a bit of mischief every now and then, but only if he was the one pulling the mischief. Plus, he had just organized all the gels and didn’t want to do that again. He’d much rather hide Spot’s keys in the janitor’s closet. So he did the natural thing.
“HEY BEANPOLE! IF YOU DROP THOSE I WILL CUT OFF YOUR HAIR AND FEED IT TO THE SPIDER IN THE BROOM CLOSET!”
The kid’s head snapped up. But, instead of looking like a squirrel about to be chased by a hungry seal shaped pitbull that smelled vaguely of thai food and cheese like the freshman did, the boy winked mischievously and let the gels dangel further over the edge. Then, in a singsong voice that Albert could only describe as the one belonging to his true Lord and Savior, Bill Wurtz (take that catholic church), said: “how bout I do anyway?”
Albert’s next insult died on his lips and he settled instead for glaring at the sexy beanpole with all the power of a pissed off techie.
“What?” The boy pouted, “can’t think of a good comeback?”
“Listen beanpole-”
“It’s Race.”
“Whatever.” Albert stomped down the catwalk in his black timbs, being sure to make as much noise as possible in order to attract the scattered actors below them. “Let it be known that while I did appreciate your history of japan quote, I do not appreciate your presence on my cat walk. And, if you to continue to dangle my gels over the edge like that, I will make sure you never get cast in Wanda’s World-”
“Its Animal Farm.”
“-and that you never get your clammy little paws on a single ounce of weed during your time in this hellhole. Capisce?”
“Weed is for losers,” Race said, thwacking the pile of gels on the catwalk with a muffled bang, scattering the top ones, much to Albert’s dismay. “I prefer vape myself, much more sleek and trendy.” Then, much to Albert’s surprise, he winked, turned on his heel, and exited the catwalk, tipping an imaginary hat before descending the stairs back down into the auditorium.
“Well fuck him right in the nipple,” Albert cursed to himself as he scooped up the pile of gels and stalked back to the lighting booth where he threw them unceremoniously on the ground - he’d sort back through them later. Instead, he sat on his beloved spinny chair that he had stolen from his history teacher back in 9th grade, wrapped the blue fuzzy blacket around himself he’d stolen from Spot last year, threw his feet up on the lightboard, and resolved himself to watching the auditions.
Race, apparently, had been correct, the musical was a rendition of Animal Farm. Although, why someone would write a musical version of a book about a bunch of patronizing pigs making everyone call each other comrade was beyond him.
Albert gradually began to tune out the auditions eventually pulling his beats from around his neck onto his ears and playing random indie songs instead of listening to the screeching below him.
However, once Race took the stage he paused his music out of curiosity. If he was going to have to deal with this kid all year, he might as well see if he had any talent. However, when he heard the opening chords of what was unmistakably a High School Musical song, he groaned and pulled his beats back on, cranking up the volume to drown out the atrocities of the shitty song.
This plan, however, was foiled when he found himself somehow singing a song that was not the one that was playing through his headphones. Initially, Albert ignored it, too dead set on his own blocking out of Race’s singing to care what his mouth was saying. But as it got progressively louder he ripped his beats off in frustration to see what exactly was going on.
To his utmost horror he realized that he was singing a duet with Race.
Albert’s stomach dropped. He knew exactly what this meant. And there was no way that it could be tue. It had to be a glitch. There was no way in hell that his soulmate was the same kid who had tantalized him on his very own catwalk with his precious lighting gels and a horrendous yet perfectly wonderful Bill Wurtz quote not a half hour before.
And there was absolutely no way that he was going to discover his soulmate by singing a high school musical song infront of all of his friends. No fucking way.
In a panic, Albert clapped his hand over his mouth to muffle the sounds coming from it. That way he could play it off as if it had never happened and continue living his perfectly happy soulmate-less life.
Much to his relief, Race stopped singing mere moments later and he pulled his hand away from his mouth, taking a deep breath of relief. However, this was immediately converted back to anxiety as he began to sing the second verse of the song against his will.
“Take my hand, I’ll take the lead
And every turn, you’ll be safe with me
Don’t be afraid, afraid to fall,
You know I’ll catch you through it all”
Race’s head snapped up and a bright smile formed on his face as he continued to sing, heading toward the steps to the lighting booth. A hush had fallen over the auditorium. Albert briefly wished that he had not tried so hard to get excommunicated because maybe some divine power would have been able to save him from the embarrassment that he was about to experience.
“And you can’t keep-”
“Even a thousand miles can’t keep us apart
“Us apart, cause my heart is-”
“Cause my heart is wherever you are”
Vaguely, Albert heard the familiar clang of someone slowly mounting the steps to the catwalk and he attempted to duck his head further into his black sweatshirt to no avail.
“It’s like catching lightning, the chances of finding someone like you
It’s one in a million the chances of feeling the way we do
And with every step together, we just keep on gettin better
So i can i have this dance, can i have this dance?
Can i have this dance?”
Then, as if being in such close proximity to Rae had some profound influence on him, Albert felt his legs begin to carry him toward the catwalk and, subsequently, the annoying beanpole himself.
“Oh, no mountains too high and no oceans too wide
Cause together or not, our dance won’t stop
Let it rain, let it pour
What we have is worth fighting for
You know I believe that we were meant to be, yeah”
And then, somehow, it was one of those Dramatic Theater Scenes™ that Albert usually hated so much, but somehow he didn’t mind this time. This must have been the feeling that his friends had so often described to them upon finding their soulmates: complete euphoria, as if nothing in the world existed except for them.
Albert found himself getting closer and closer to Race until they were practically ontop of eachother, his hands clutching at Race’s green minecraft shirt as they continued to sing, oblivious to the audience that they had accumulated.
“It’s like catching lightning the chances of finding someone like you
Like you
It’s one in a million the chances of feeling the way, the way we, we do
And with every step together, we just keep on gettin better
So can I have this dance, can I have this dance?
Can I have this dance?
Can I have this dance?
Can I have this dance?”
The auditorium below them erupted in a chorus of cheers and Albert felt his face blush bright red under his black beanie, causing him to pull away from Race as he returned to reality. Startled, Race looked at him, but then his face transformed into the mischievous smirk that Albert was beginning to suspect was customary for him.
“Guess you wanna save face in front of all your friends, huh? A badass like you can’t have feelings and all that.” He winked and Albert rolled his eyes. “That’s okay, you don’t have to kiss me now if you’re uncomfortable with it.”
Now it was Albert’s turn to roll his eyes as he hovered his lips mere inches from Race’s and said the same thing that he had been told not too long ago: “how bout I do anyway?” and smashed their lips together, earning a loud round of applause from the crown below and one lone whoop from Spot.
As Albert was passionately mushing his lips against his soulmate, he couldn’t help but think to himself, maybe high school musical wasn’t so bad after all.
_______
im actually low key proud of this like maybe I still know how to write lol
feedback is always appreciated, hmu to be on the tag list
tag list
@fairly-awkward-trashcan@well-the-kids-do-too@racetrackcook@ughwaitwhat@aw-jus-let-em-try@tommy-s-s0cks@voice-foundshoe-lost@stopthe-presses@ridin-in-style@pinecovewoods@i-got-no-clue-what-im-doing@bencookisagod@be-more-chill-evan-hansen@stellar-alpaca@saxoph-ella@smolcanadiankid@disney-princess-sized@the-newsies-justice-for-zas-blog@insane-tomato@spot-conlon-king-of-brooklyn@have-we-got-news-for-you@thatfancyclam@myidkwhatmynameisblog@legoflambwrites@not-a-scab@albertdasillvaprotectionsquad
@entschuldigung-bitches
@thebroadwayaesthetic
@tea-and-theater
@seasickdolphin
@auspicioustarantula
@newsies-of-ny
@mrs-higgins
@sunshine-e-cigarettes
@spot-me50-papes
@papesdontsellthemselves
@deathcast-s
@the-poodles-of-pulitzer
@hopefully-not-the-ghostbusters
@humanracoon
@irondad-spiderson-duo
@albert-eats-cookie-cake
@nico-nat
#saphie scribbles#ralbert#disaster beans#I LOVE THEM OKAY#newsies#newsies fic#thanks leeks for your craziness
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shooting it all into the sun
I haven’t seen anyone else bringing this up (or at least, the people I follow haven’t been reblogging it, if it has) but I think it’s worth pointing out. Given the bios a lot of you have at your headers, I’m guessing most of you haven’t had the firsthand experience that would help you see how startling (and pointed) a certain exec move was, in VLD’s final season.
To understand that, though, humor me with a thought experiment first. Once you’ve got the basic mindset, then I’ll explain what in S8 made me sit back in absolute shock and reevaluate DreamWorks pretty thoroughly.
1. Think of a large sum of money for you. Your paycheck, your savings, or all your holiday gift money from elderly relatives. Big enough that spending it all on one thing is a little scary. Let’s call this your cash-on-hand.
2. Think of a decision you make regularly. Do the dishes after dinner, or let them sit overnight? Take this bus at your corner, or walk two blocks for a different bus? Study with friends, or alone? Something relatively minor.
3. Now imagine: there’s money riding on your choice, equal to the amount in step #1. Choose wrong by some mysterious measure, and you lose all your money. All of it.
4. Another twist: it’s not predictable. The first time you do the dishes right after dinner, you lose. The next time, you wait til morning... and lose. You’d probably realize quickly there must be other factors making an impact.
5. Another twist: if you choose right, you get a bonus. A dollar extra, a hundred, or more. You’d have to pay careful attention to what else could be in play, making the bonus small this time, and huge the next time.
6. And for the god-tier twist, every decision is actually multiple-choice: take the bus, walk, get a ride from a friend, work from home? One choice will cost you, another won’t cost you but won’t gain you either. Another will get you a small but decent bonus, and another gets you a bonus twice your cash-on-hand.
How would this impact your decision-making? You’d start to track when you lost, when you didn’t, and when you gained. You’d look at all kinds of things: maybe “study with friends” is only good when the teacher's out sick. Or “walk two blocks” is only the right choice if it’s not raining --- and when it is raining, you have to score “get a ride” for the biggest bonus.
Figuring out the logic is going to take some wrong guesses, and each one sets you back to zero. You might get lucky and get a bonus -- and proceed to lose it all trying to reproduce what you did right that one time. Was it the weather? time of day? someone’s mood? So many factors. You’d weigh every decision carefully -- especially new ones. Is this like that time I lost everything, or more like when I got that huge bonus? Hold on, is it raining? Mood check!
Bottom line: the more you have on the line, and the closer that ‘more’ is to ‘everything you have,’ and the more unpredictable the number of factors, the more conservative (little-c) people tend to be. We’ll hoard, save, hold back. The bigger the gamble, the bigger the potential gains --- but the risks are just as big.
You are now --- in a limited but hopefully illustrative way --- thinking like an executive. Big money, big potential, bigger risk.
As an exec, maybe you figured in the last stretch of a multi-season show, the staff didn’t need constant supervision... and then you see S8. Obviously, you figured wrong. Whatever your specific complaints, you agree with the other execs: this season needs fixing. And fast.
The question is: what needs to be fixed, and what can be fixed, given time constraints, limited remaining staff, and whatever is left in the budget? It’s a lot of choices with big consequences.
Doing nothing will cost in a lot of ways: franchise goodwill, future income, your brand and reputation, and of course, the audience’s good faith. Doing nothing simply isn’t an option. At the same time, there’s no point laying new carpet in a house that’s falling down. You can’t fix everything. What can you do that’s just enough to patch up the worst?
Well, an epilogue where everyone gets a happy ending, that also leaves open the chance for franchise continuation... that might work. It’s not a full episode, and it could be done in the time remaining, by in-house staff. Alright, then. What goes in this couple of minutes? This is your chance to tell the audience what you, as execs, think is a good place for the story to end. What do you want to say? What’s your highest priority?
A conservative set of execs, from a conservative company (think Nickelodeon) would show each character as happy in their post-series lives, and call it a day. That’s the safe bet. You might not gain much, but you’ll lose less. An adequate fix for the least cost in terms of cash, time, and effort.
In case you missed it: this is not the choice DreamWorks made.
All along, the EPs have paid lip service to VLD’s queer audiences, like in this oft-quoted exchange from Let’s Voltron podcast:
interviewer: Will we be seeing any LGBT representation?
LM: It’s super important to us.
JDS: Just know that from our perspective, we’re fighting to create as open and broad a spectrum of characters as we can.
LM: We can’t give you any definite answers, but just know that---
JDS: We’re fighting for as broad and open representation as we can.
A company playing it safe would give every character an ambiguously (and unpaired) happy ending. A company walking the same edge as the EPs --- a lot of lip service, requiring a lot of reading between the lines --- might give a Korrasami ending.
An idea of what that might look like: Shiro’s section shows pictures on a mantle. In the center is one of Shiro with another man; perhaps they have their arms around each other, both smiling at the camera, flanked by the paladins. It’s the barest possible nod for a queer audience; for everyone else, that could just be Shiro with his new best (totally-platonic) flight partner.
That’s choosing to lose small. Throw a bone to the queers, but not so much to piss off the assumed-majority straights in the audience.
Or you could just say fuck that and go for broke.
DreamWorks didn’t have to go that big. Really, they didn’t. The EPs had set up a perfect cover for the execs to hide behind: getting representation is hard, so many barriers, you just need to be patient and maybe you’ll get a split second nod that you have to tilt your head and squint to interpret as any kind of queerness, but really, we’re totally fighting for every little scrap.
DW took the EPs’ protests and tore them into smithereens. Then DW gathered up all those teeny pieces and shot every last one into the goddamn sun.
In the big picture, I do agree that everything else being equal, a five-second clip like this is pretty much the opposite of satisfactory. Audiences want to see the relationship develop; that’s what really matters. A wedding kiss is just a happy by-product.
But if you’re an exec who has only so much money left to gamble, a company policy of not reacting publicly to audience reactions (for better or worse), and limited time to repair or redo the damage in the final season... you need to make the most of what you do have.
So you edit Ezor in so she’s not one more dead queer character, you edit a few scenes to include a love interest’s presence earlier in the season... and you blow the lid off the EPs’ prevarication. None of this implying bullshit; you put it all right there on the screen.
You know what that says?
It says there was no goddamn reason we couldn’t have had a long development of an mlm (or wlw) relationship, onscreen, over the course of several seasons. I don’t care which relationship you think it should be; that’s not the point. It says as far as the execs are concerned, we could’ve had a queer relationship written as romantic and sealed with a kiss, none of this euphemism crap. It says in the execs’ opinion, every time the EPs swore they did ‘all they were allowed to do’, that the EPs were wrong.
The inserted epilogue is practically a neon sign two stories high.
HEY THIS IS OKAY BY US, WE WOULD’VE BEEN FINE WITH YOU HAVING THIS EARLIER, JUST SO YOU KNOW
Want to know what else the epilogue tells us?
Remember all the steps at the start of this post, how everything is setting you up (as an exec) for not acting without all possible data, for moving slow and being cautious in case this wrong guess is the final straw?
There’s another side to that: sometimes, you have to gamble because doing nothing is against everything you stand for. Even if it costs more and appears to gain you nothing in the bank.
When you take in everything --- from the money lost (20M is a conservative estimate for VLD’s production costs), franchise partners who might not be keen on queer cooties, to the EPs who swore what we got was all they could get --- DW is making a pretty clear statement, here. Being inclusive and progressive is important enough to them that even in a show patently and obviously failing on every count, they’ll still make sure it doesn’t end with a handful of dead queers and one shelved mlm guy.
Yes, DW still has to clean its own house and do some internal education to make sure its decision-makers don’t sit back for so long and let a bunch of newbie showrunners impose their narrow-minded regressive agenda. Yes, DW was a day late and a dollar short when it came to fixing the catastrophe of S7 and the complete hash of S8. Yes, DW clearly chose to bury S8, rather than yank it back and redo it over.
But they also chose not to let it go down without showing their support for onscreen, explicit queer characters and relationships.
Enough with the grumbling about so-called exec meddling; we’re overdue to lay the blame for bad LGBT representation squarely on the EPs. All they gave us was a lot of empty talk. It’s the DW execs who gambled on walking on the walk, and I think it’s time we recognize that.
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Season 3, Reel 2: August 13, 1953
[tape recorder turns on]
Amy, call Dr. Jefferson and get me an appointment on Thursday or Friday early morning.
Vivi and I found an injured cat and we’d like to get it fixed. Fixed meaning “spayed”, but I suppose also meaning “repaired”. See if Dr. Jefferson can repair and spay our new cat.
Also, pick up a square fabric about 30 x 30 centimeters, something orange, preferably patterned, an argyle or stencil print, as well as some dark thread, maroon or violet. Once you did that, fold the square into a bandana and embroider the name “Constance” onto the back part of the bandana. We named the cat Constance. Also Amy, can you print that name in script? In cursive where each letter elegantly sweeps onto the next. Don’t fret if you can’t do that, just do it in print, I guess. Thanks.
Letter from the office of Michael Witten on the 13th of August, 1953 to Ursula Lindholm, Director of Communications, Department of Global Trade, European office. Dear Director Lindholm. Thank you for your reply to my question about personnel restructuring. Your concerns about my “poking around” are valid, but rest assured that this is not an inquisition or a judgment, simply curiosity. Amy, don’t write “poking around”, say uh, say “inquiries”. Always mean what you say, but rarely say what you mean.
It is a brave new and unincorporated world out there, and we’re all doing our best to set about a new, less destructive course while implementing an entirely novel set of rules. If you and your office are finding success in reorganization, I certainly wanna know about it. We are not business, Director Lindholm, we are government. We are a truism, a monolith, many roots of the same tree. This is not competition, but collaboration. That being said, I apologize if I pressed too hard into your business and the goings on of your new Regional Director of Trade, Karen Roberts. Karen and I know each other peripherally through Global Secretary of Trade, Vishwathi Ramadoss, my direct supervisor.
Karen, I believe, testified against Secretary Ramadoss during preliminary hearings about domestic espionage in Vancouver last year, even though there were no fucking documents to suggest any of the allegations were true, Ursula, and even if they were, the things Secretary Ramadoss could have revealed about Karen, if there were any domestic spying on businesses, would have destroyed her career. Secretary Ramadoss was using computational machines to record basic data on commerce. It’s just numbers to help with global trade, which is Vishwathi Ramadoss’ fucking job over the whole fucking planet. So yeah, I’m a bit goddamned concerned about Karen Roberts.
Amy, obviously delete all of that, just cut it after the part where I said that I knew Karen. But seriously, Vishwathi was organizing data into charts about a birthplace, age, gender and known health records. The Pacific Northwest pissed themselves that Vishwathi was keeping notes on parents’ names. Oh, what if the citizens find out and try to reconnect with their parents? We don’t allow parents anymore – spare me, she only wrote down the parents’ names in cases where people were direct descendants of the last generation, so they’d already know. It was everything over nothing!
By the way, were you not able to find any of the files from our work in Vancouver? Where was I?
If my tone was aggressive, then I apologize. Ursula, it was not my intent, I would never wanna make a colleague feel less than on equal ground. As I understand it, Karen Roberts relocated the entire Western European Labor Department into the Communications Office. Congratulations on the increased resources! I hope you got a raise.
I wish there were a way to suggest this a joke. Ursula doesn’t seem to have any sense of humor. Her letter was what, two sentences? I’m surprised she didn’t carve it directly into a block of ice.
Amy, can you just draw a smilie face after my last comment? I’m not kidding.
But most of my questions went unanswered. Perhaps you’re pressed for time and if so, please let me know my best approach to Karen Roberts herself. She hasn’t returned my calls or letters. First, what is to become of regulatory protections for workers? The North and Baltic Seas are filled with fishing ships, there are mines and textile factories all over the continent. Who is protecting workers from abuse if the entire region has no labor department? You can’t build a society without a well treated work force.
Second, Karen Roberts owned the largest construction firm along the Gulf of Mexico. Upon taking a government job, did she sell her interests in KR Development, Inc.? Calls to her Houston office suggest to me she has not. This is a violation of the new society ethics bylaws for bureaucrats. If she still owns any part of KR while administering all of Europe’s trade, then this is in direct conflict with our new society’s core values for governmental leadership. This is not a threat, but a fact. Also, it is a threat.
Don’t write that part. Uh, no, write it but then draw another smilie face. That was definitely a joke, no threats in letters Amy, you know that.
I especially encourage you to look into the matter of weapons development along the old Mexican border. Karen’s factories were former arms manufacturing sites. Of course, KR Development now makes its business dismantling war machines for use in new, non-military construction. They have their slogan “swords to ploughshares”, of course. But in my working with Karen on previous North American reconstruction projects, there were persistent rumours that southern militias were being armed by weapons still being manufactured by KR. I have no physical evidence of this and I would never share it publicly, but the European people will not be happy if some journalist finds this proof. My North American people will certainly not be happy, which will make me even more unhappy, and Global Secretary of Trade Vishwathi Ramadoss will be the least happy of us all.
Of course, my staff member Amy Castillo was not able to dig up anything about current weapons production, and if she cannot find anything then I’m sure no one can. You didn’t, right Amy?
So perhaps we have no worries at all. I merely encourage you to do your own research into your new head of trade. Please keep me informed on this matter.
Finally, I was told someone from your office has shut down the production of a play called “Last Night We Were the Wind” at the Olympia in Dublin. I don’t mean to suggest that you are practicing censorship, but the account I heard had to do with the playwright Neve Connolly’s open critique of the new society, that your office found the play, quote, “grotesquely retrospect”. I understand that art can be disruptive and provocative, and we are all trying to build public and global confidence in our new society, but this is why a department of labor or culture exists, to work with artist to find the right message. Amy, underline “right”.
It should be a friendly discourse between government and author, not an indifferent one, as is the way with the “last” generation, nor as in this alleged case, an authoritarian one. Plus we’re only one year removed from the Removal of Nations Act, which forced England to finally cede imperial claims over Ireland, so I’m not sure a London office shutting down a play in Dublin goes over too well. There may be no more borders, but there are a fucking lot of feelings. A-amy, streamline that. Perhaps there were other problems related to labor or finances I’m unaware of, but please do enlighten me on the reasons for silencing a young artist.
Thank you for your time and input. Despite my uh pointed questions, please know that I’m only interested in learning more about what has been effective for your region. Life is nothing if not for learning.
Sincerely, Michael Witten, Director of et cetera et cetera.
[tape recorder turns off]
[ads]
[tape recorder turns on]
Amy, on second thought, if you can’t embroider a nice cursive script, please just find a tailor or something to teach you. I dunno, figure it out. I’m positive you can figure it out. I think you said you were learning pottery or woodworking? I should remember these things. It was something crafty, so you’ll pick this up in no time.
I hope you realize how much I appreciate your work, Amy. I’m aware that I can be abrupt, and I probably don’t acknowledge your efforts enough, but believe me, they are appreciated. When I worked as Head of the Midwest Region before I took this job, I knew the location of every file, every book, every paperclip in my office. I had to, I had a secretary oh god, Kevin Prince. He was dreadful. I had to edit every letter he transcribed, double check his document organization. I even listened in on some of the phone calls I told him to make. I liked how confident I was in every detail of what I did, but I got home at nine or ten PM most nights. Vivian was not happy eating alone. I felt like I was stacking teacups, each a different size every day, one on top of the other, each one taking more time than the last. Carefully looking at direction, curve, weight, keeping the center vertical… I knew it wouldn’t take long for it all to collapse. But then by miracle, I was selected to take over this office, and here you were.
And you’re everything Kevin was not. Organized and detailed, on time. My first boss at the Textile Distribution Center in Sioux City gave me only one rule: “if you receive an order, ship it.” It’s a deceptively difficult rule. I know almost no one including myself who can follow this 100 per cent of the time. If you receive an order, ship it.
I know we don’t work in shipping and fulfilment here, Amy, but everything I ask of you, you do immediately and effectively. I don’t know where anything is or how you have it all filed, but I’m home by six every night. And when I ask you to dig up old records on some project or meeting, I’ve got a tidy stack on my desk at the end of the day. Except Vancouver. I’m assuming those were lost or we just never had them?
I used to think leadership was managing every aspect of an underling’s work, but I realize leadership is quietly accepting that people will do everything correctly and allowing them to figure out when they’re wrong. Or you’re just really remarkable. Either way, Vivian appreciates you more than you know. We should have you over for dinner some night. We’ve worked together for how many years now? Why hasn’t this happened? Let’s make this happen.
Letter from of the office of Michael Witten on the 18th of August 1953 to Bernice Jones, Minister for Culture, North American region.
Dear Bernice, it was fantastic having you and Miguel for dinner this weekend. I always enjoy your company and Vivi and I truly loved the wine you brought. We never had a marble wine before. So crisp and smooth, but with a sweet nose, like someone eating a passion fruit next to you while you touch cold marble swatches. And please thank Miguel for the wonderful gift of music. I’m listening to the record right now*, Vivi has turned me on to jazz. I don’t know if I enjoy it, but I uh appreciate it. It’s like music but with a puzzle in it. Apparently there are some jazz clubs right here in Chicago.
* there’s no music in the background
You mentioned your youth arts initiatives in Oaxaca and I was intrigued. While the Department of Global Trade does not directly oversee artistic funding, we certainly oversee global trade, whatever you think that last word means. Perhaps there’s room for a collaboration here between our offices. As you know, Vivi is an avid collector of modern art. You noted with a touch of awe the original Claudia Atieno in our den, and I’ve never seen Vivi light up quite like that. [chuckles] With all the accountants and lawyers who come through our doors, you can imagine how rare it is to find a dinner guest who can recognize the care and attention Vivi puts into her collection.
After your visit, Vivi and I discussed how we can do more to help young artists. Or forget young, artists in general. Why single out only the inexperienced? What of those in between training and fame who need our help most? Of course we donate and make purchases where we can, but money only goes so far.
You may need to burn this letter after I tell you this, but our department is swimming in money. I can’t put resources toward a North American gallery or opera or (-) [0:16:30], but I could certainly put money toward a global artistic exchange. Can you imagine teaching the Cahto language in (Canberra), or singing Mariachi in Marrakesh, or performing Neve Connolly in London? I think the people of London would adore such a dynamic new writer.
Connolly is controversial, yes, what with her depictions of traditional family roles and the challenge this presents the new generations of people raised to reject the tribalism of family. But she’s a brilliant young playwright. You know her work, she was brought to speak at Tulane last year through a grant from your office.
The Palladium in London is dark right now. The West End is starving for theatre. We could produce a Neve Connolly play there with a North American production team and Dublin actors. I’m not sure if you’ve read her play “The Topaz Window”, but it’s truly a masterpiece. It centers around an extraordinary painting of mysterious origin that begins to drive a wedge between a previously close family. I won’t spoil it, but the denouement is truly shocking.
Anyway, if someone were to stage that, I’m sure we could commission a well regarded artist to provide the painting in question, maybe even Claudia Atieno herself. I know an art collector named Archie McPherson who would get us in touch with her.
This is truly cultural and global trade, I’m positive our European offices will be pleased. No, make that “delighted”, Amy.
I’ll have my secretary Amy send you a full proposal and budget within a week. I look forward to discussing this with you soon, give my love to Miguel, all the best, Mikey.
[tape recorder turns on]
Amy, write a letter to Vishwathi. 20th August, 1953.
Dear Secretary Ramadoss, I’m pleased to hear you agree with me about the European trade offices. I, too, was alarmed to hear that Karen Roberts had disbanded her labor department, but not surprised. As you saw in my memorandum, she has a long history of disrespect towards workers, going back to her time in Houston. My contact, Ursula Lindholm in the Communications offices in Europe, is reluctant to share many details with me, so I’m hoping to make new connections with the European Trade Department employees. A former colleague of mine from my old job in St. Louis, Leena Mäkinen is living in Helsinki. She would be interested in a move to the Oslo offices. Would you be willing to write a recommendation for her? I think Leena could provide some information that Ursula is certainly unwilling to share. Not a spy, really but a um… You know, scratch that, let’s not be dramatic.
I know you do not know her, and I do not want to seem flippant about professional ethics, but as you once told me, act first, argue semantics later. The staff and I hope you can visit Chicago again soon. Fall is beautiful here, we’ll take you to the lake. Also the Field Museum finally reopened last month. They only recovered a quarter of their collection from the Great Reckoning, but many museums were far lass fortunate.
Amy, remove the paragraphs mentioning Leena Mäkinen from this letter. I think it’s better not to involve the secretary in this. Let’s go with this.
Perhaps you can use your influence to find out whether Karen has sold off her interest in KR development, and what they plan on doing to manage labor, now that they’ve gutted the department. Thank you again for your attention in this manner. Sincerely, Michael Witten, North America.
[tape recorder turns off]
Jeffrey Cranor: Within the Wires is a production of Night Vale Presents. It is written by Jeffrey Cranor and Janina Matthewson, with original music by Mary Epworth. Find more of Mary’s music at maryepworth.com. The voice of Michael Witten is Lee LeBreton. You can support our show and get exclusive episodes and other cool things at patreon.com/withinthewires.
OK, our time is done. It’s you time now. Time to head to happy hour after a long day of work at the [yoga tournament], to enjoy a pint of [tamarin sauce] with your friend [Jean Valjean].
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Sociopathy properly understood
Currently ("currently" here is a word meaning "sometime near the middle of January 2019" so yeah I'm slow to post) reading yet another Brené Brown book, this one called Braving the Wilderness, and like her other books it's about belonging and vulnerability and how we don't need the first as much as we think but very much require the second and -- wait, I've got that wrong.
We do need belonging, but not the way you'd normally think of that word. Not in the usual sense of trying to fit in with a group, or being accepted into an existing society of fellows unless they're secretly a bunch of annoying but well-connected jerks.
Or, in her case, to be accepted into the cheerleading team back in high school.
Me, it was both being accepted by the cool kids but also making it and being accepted as a musician despite hailing from a different social-economic background than most mainstream pianists. I was an ordinary kid from the grubby suburbs. You know the place other people always made fun of? I lived there. We were the Newfoundland of suburbs. The kids who participated in the music contests weren’t necessarily richer than us, though they probably had a bit more discretionary spending at their disposal than I did. But they lived in Sillery or Ste-Foy, the nice areas we couldn't or wouldn't afford. Either way it wasn’t my fault where my parents had chosen to live. But I got punished because of it regardless by being sneered at and never accepted into the group. The other pianists were polished and sophisticated, something I’ve never felt.
No, not even now.
I was always a bit raw. I do appreciate that my physical features allow me to clean up alright. I can walk in heels, and evening gowns don't look comical on my frame. I used to make a living in television, dammit. I can make myself look good and polished. But it’s not me.
Me is feeling comfortable in an ugly old fleece because it’s minus stupid outside and jeez, you know. It’s having my hair in a ponytail because I’m training twice today and why bother doing anything else with it? It's a mess of frizzes when I try too hard, and the blow dryer makes me sweat. Makeup is just stupid. Why not spend the time and money eating well and exercising instead? Oh sure, when you need to make a super duper impression under very bright lights like that time they asked you to be on the cover of Time magazine, go ahead. The point is not to look natural when natural means "slightly dead-looking". The point is to be natural and to let others see you that way. IRL, like the kids say. A little touch of blush here and there, if you insist, alright. But come now. Blue on the eyelids? On what creature is this normal?
Your face tells the story of your life, and it's the one you should be wearing instead of hiding behind three layers of concealer and whatever they call that powder that sits on top and makes your face feel like a slightly overgreased pancake. Let yourself be seen, even if the story of your life includes episodes you'd rather not think about just now thanks very much. That's what gives your expression depth and meaning. Wear it with pride, and to hell what Cosmo says.
So anyway, to make a long story short(er), I don't spend too much time polishing my exterior shell. It's clean and tidy, and I wear clothes that don't make me uncomfortable by their cut or poor tailoring, but that's about it.
Back to Brené Brown. She starts the book with a quotation from Maya Angelou (I really need to read everything this woman wrote, too) about the freedom that comes from belonging only to oneself. Brown used to disagree with that quote pretty strongly, but now she gets it.
Funny, because I got it right away.
"You are only free when you realize you belong no place - you belong every place - no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great." That's how Angelou said it in a TV interview back in the early 1970s.
I say I got the point of the quote right away, but that's only if you start counting from a few months back. If you start counting from when I came out of the womb or, if we're going to be generous, from when I came of age, er. I took a bit longer.
I have spent a lifetime and a half struggling to belong. In a family that didn't feel like one. In a school where I either got ignored or bullied. At jobs I cared about so much I alienated everyone else by trying to win everything and beat every record. In relationships I killed with way too much attention and subservience. I would bend over backwards so many times I had no idea what time zone I was in anymore. That's how far I'd go to fit in and be accepted. Because that's what I thought one needed to be happy; to fit in with the cool kids and be accepted as one of their own.
It was only recently, in the last year or so, that I discovered that sometimes the best way to be the best you can be is to stop giving a fuck what people think or feel. I'm 48 now. It's been a long trek going the wrong way trying to achieve goals that wouldn't make me happy if I succeeded not that I had any chance of doing so.
Shit.
So now I'm learning to be a bit of a sociopath. Not the kind the police need to worry about, obviously. But the kind that motors through life not paying too much attention to what other people think or say.
By the nature of my work I often wind up pissing people off. I have strong opinions about topics people care about. Like Donald Trump and his terminally ugly band of supporters. Or institutional daycare for babies under the age of two. (Not sure which one I despise more.) I'm also not keen at all on the segregation of humans; I don't understand why we park kids in their own buildings while older folks get dumped in retirement homes full of other old people. Why not mix them up, like they do in some European places where they give highly reduced rent to college students in old folks homes in exchange for them mingling with regular residents and performing odd jobs for them, like helping them write letters or just spend time chatting over tea. When I talk about this I often get a wallop on Twitter to the effect that in this busy day and age nobody has time for this sort of stuff anymore and come on, be realistic and stop dreaming in technicolour.
But I like technicolour.
I'm happy to have others who like technicolour as much as I do to hop on my merry wagon and travel along with me. I'm also OK with people reading my stuff just to argue with me - though I would be eternally grateful if they actually did try to understand what I was saying before they started shouting. That'd be real nice. But I don't need it, and I certainly don’t need them.
Any of them. I don't write for an audience. I write for me. I'm delighted to have an audience. But it comes after the work, not before.
That's the hardest part of trying to belong by not trying to belong, to be perfectly honest about it. Most of us who enjoy the work we do also enjoy feedback about same, especially if it's positive. But sometimes negative feedback is enjoyable too, if it makes you better at the work you already enjoy doing. (Pain to the ego is usually temporary. Right?)
Not having feedback on the work I do because it's not out there yet, wow, that's hard. Years of daily blogging have made me very dependent on visitor statistics and other social-media metrics for validation. Love or hate my stuff, whatever I don’t care, but at least engage with it. That way I'll know I've done something alright.
But all this stuff I've been writing these past few months that's sitting quietly in my files waiting to be edited and submitted somewhere? I have no feedback on that. And frankly at the moment it's kind of OK, because the truth is I'm scared shitless of what the feedback would be if there was any. I mean, what if my fiction is no good? What if it sucks? Worse, what if it doesn't suck enough to be interesting in its suckiness? What if it's just, gasp, boring?
To say this feeling makes me anxious would be a fine understatement. But somehow I have to put that anxiety aside and keep plugging away and not - repeat, NOT - sneak out to the megaplex and watch something explode on screen while I stuff popcorn into my maw. (Mymaw, a popcorn mymaw, popcorn mama, can't stop thinking of possibilities. I have issues.)
No. I have to keep plugging away, doing the work I was put on this planet to do. And do it for me, like a proper sociopath should.
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Ok, so that fanfic questions ask meme? You wanna do ALL OF THEM?!
YES, LET’S DO IT, HERE WE GO, PREPARE YOURSELF I’m copy and pasting answers I’ve already done just so I don’t have to retype them and there’s a break because god this got long. I might link this on my About Me post, cause holy shit I spent time on this
1. What was the first fandom you got involved in?
Actual fandom? Probably DC. That’s when I started reading fanfiction and really poked my head around online communities dedicated to media and all.
2. What is your latest fandom?
I don’t know, probably Marvel? Maybe Riverdale, but I was a fan of the comics before so
3. What is the best fandom you’ve ever been involved in?
If I’m assuming this question is about the actual fandom and not the source material and the people in the fandom and its community as a whole? Probably the Percy Jackson fandom. Not really into it anymore so I don’t know the state of it now, but it was a pretty wholesome and positive community. Any community that calls it’s creator “Uncle Rick” has gotta be pretty dope.
4. Do you regret getting involved in any fandoms?
Oh lord save my soul for admitting I like this, but definitely Five Nights at Freddy’s. The indie gaming, creepypasta, underground subculture as a whole is something I regret getting into. Don’t get me wrong, I usually love the source material, but the fandom is just so bad. You probably know what I’m talking about, the fangirls who insist they’re insane and are in love with Slenderman or something.
But specifically on FNaF, lord, I don’t even know what the fandom is anymore. It’s a meme, a fetish, and a hellspace all at once. And I’m not gonna fucking lie, I’ve been in this hellhole long before any of that. Like, I can’t even try to escape it, I’m in it for the long haul. I was just someone who joined for the lore and now we’re here with fucking casual bongos and trash gang and fuck I didn’t ask for this. I can’t escape. I know so fucking much about the franchise it hurts my fucking soul. I remember when the FNaF 2 trailer came out and we were all micro-analyzing London Bridge Is Falling Down. I remember when Springtrap didn’t have a name and we called that fucking Spring Bonnie or Golden Bonnie. I survived that era and I have PTSD from it, trust me. I remember when we were naive enough to think FNaF 3 was the last game. I know what channels were born and what channels died because of that series. I know it all.
I’m sorry, I got off topic. BUT I DON’T GET TO FUCKING RANT ABOUT IT ENOUGH, FUCKING FUCKSHIT
Oh, and a lot of bandoms I was in too. I went through an alt phase where I’d only listen to shit like BVB, BMTH, MCR, PTV, SWS, and so on. Once again, that sort of fandom was the same as the indie/creepypasta in being ‘different’ and ‘insane’ and all that and I was no different. I was a weird fucking kid when I was like 13. I regret all of it.
5. Which fandoms have your written fanfiction for?
Marvel, DC, and a couple Riverdale.
6. List your OTP from each fandom you’ve been involved in.
Not in many fandoms but
Marvel - WinterIronDC - SuperbatStar Trek Voyager - Captain Janeway/Seven of NinePercy Jackson - Solangelo
7. List your NoTPs from each fandom you’ve been in.
Marvel - Stucky, Stuckony, Romanogers, Clintasha, any incest ones, (save me for admitting this) SpideypoolDC - Any batboys shipped together, Bruce/Talia
And I don’t really have NOTPs for my other fandoms? Marvel and DC are really the only two things I’m invested in the fandom of. I guess you could count Wincest as well for Supernatural.
8. How did you get involved in your latest fandom?
What even is my latest fandom? Um, we’ll just say Marvel because I’m really not into joining fandoms much anymore. Honestly, I was a big DC fan who felt the need to hate Marvel because no shit. Eventually, I just got sick of the absolute shit movies DC had and I decided I had nothing to lose by just watching Iron Man. When I watched it I realized “wow, superhero movies can actually be good???” and I just binged the entire MCU in one month and was ready to see the next movie in theatres and I think I’ve seen every single MCU movie in theatres since Civil War? Definitely since Homecoming. I gave up on DC movies. The new Aquaman looks like shit, I’m so fucking pissed they redid Mera’s look when she looked perfectly fucking fine before and now she’s oversexualized and it’s gross. I’m excited for the new DC Batwoman TV show because I HAVE BEEN WAITING TO SEE A LIVE ACTION BATWOMAN SINCE THE DAWN OF FUCKING TIME
9. What are the best things about your current fandom?
Probably the Tony Stark Defense Squad. As a collective whole, I think the Defense Squad is one of the sweetest, nicest corners of the fandom. We’re incredibly kind to each other, write great meta and fic, and it’s just a great community. Of course, there are assholes, but you know.
I might get flamed for saying this, but also the HYDRA Trash Party corner of the fandom is actually really nice? Like, they understand consent and abuse aftermath and all the real shit better than the rest of the fandom, not gonna lie. Like, for as dark as the fic is you’d expect the people to be fucking nasties, but I have never met a rude HTP enthusiast. Or even one who’s unaware of how consent and whump work. They’re all very aware and kind. It’s bizarre, considering the source material. They get an awful rep though.
10. Is there a fandom you read fic from but don’t write in?
Literally any fandom I’m in besides Marvel and DC. I think I wrote like 2 Riverdale fics. Getting into reading fanfic and getting into writing fanfic are two entirely different ballparks. I don’t really read that much fanfic anyway, especially not anymore. I read Marvel and DC, but even then. I think it’s hard because sometimes you can’t switch off the whole ‘reading like a writer’ thing. That’s why I enjoy classic literature. I’m a slut for some good ass prose and symbolism.
11. Who is your current OTP?
WinterIron, of ducking course.
12. Who is your current OT3?
I’m not really a fan of OT3s, to be honest, I find I’m personally pretty weak with writing poly relationships and I don’t really enjoy reading them because one character is usually focused on a lot more than the other two. But if I had to pick, I would say T’Challa/M’Baku/Bucky only because I am solely responsible for the creation of that abomination and you have no idea how much people begged me for a series after the first one, it astounded me.
13. Any NoTPs?
As before listed, Stucky, Stuckony, Spideypool, Clintasha, Romanogers
14. Go on, who are your BroTPs?
IronWidow is my top BroTP, but I also like WinterWidow as a BroTP. Stucky is good as a BroTP too, as well as Tony & Rhodey.
15. Is there an obscure ship which you love?
Literally any ship I have. Yall I’ve been here since WinterIron was obscure. But to name a specific one I’m just gonna go with Pietro/Tony. I don’t know, I just had an idea I was writing for them and I was thinking about how much missed out potential there was between them. And with Pietro as a whole, but you know. Marvel has to kill off the only good Maximoff they had.
Oh, Natasha/Pepper too, but they aren’t as obscure, I guess.
16. Are their any popular ships in your fandom which you dislike?
Stucky, clearly.
17. Who was your first OTP and are they still your favourite?
Stony, and no. They fell apart for me, at least MCU-wise.
18. What ship have you written the most about?
By now, WinterIron, I believe. I recently passed my count of fics for Superbat.
19. Is there a ship which you wished you could get behind, but you just don’t feel them?
Pepperony, probably. I think it’s actually a cute and sweet ship and I like their in-canon moments, but I just can’t get behind reading fanfic of them? It never works out for me, I don’t really get it. It sucks because I do enjoy seeing their cute moments.
20. Any ships which you surprised yourself by liking?
I’ll do a different answer I thought of besides the first time I answered this. But Thruce was a big shocker for me. I didn’t even think about it during Ragnorak but then I saw an incorrect quote for it and I was like? Oh? This? This is a good, pure ship right here. The funny thing is, I actually wrote a fic with them as a side ship long before they hit it big so like, I was shocked when they came out of nowhere. But hey, I’m fucking here for it. I’ll probably never write it, but I’m here for it.
21. What was the first fanfic you ever wrote?
Goodnight, My Angel. It was a Superbat fic and really sad, but I still love it.
22. Is there anything you regret writing?
Probably... You Deserve Love And You’ll Get It. No, I won’t link it because I hate it that much. I’m not even gonna talk about it. It’s my most popular fic too why
23. Name a fic you’ve written that you’re especially fond of & explain why you like it.
Super dorky, but The (Un)Wanted Kiss. It’s my first finished chapter fic, and the first chaptered fic I did on Tumblr and it just brings me a lot of nostalgia. It reminds me of where I was as a writer when I started it and it was an entire fic spawned from people wanting more of a simple 500-word prompt and that just blows my mind. It reminds me of the power of fans and how much love and support I got from it. It really kicked me off as a “serious fanfic writer” I think.
24. What fic do you desperately need to rewrite or edit?
All You Are Is All I Need. That is a hot fucking mess. Probably The Red Halo too.
25. What’s your most popular fanfic?
*sigh* You Deserve Love And You’ll Get It
26. How do you come up with your fanfic titles?
I bullshit my way through them. My most recent fics have actually followed a trend of being named after songs.
27. What do you hate more: Coming up with titles or writing summaries?
Summaries. I always make them so fucking corny, I hate it.
28. If someone were to draw a piece of fanart for your story, which story would it be and what would the picture be of?
One Foot In Front Of The Other, probably. Just because I want more fem!WinterIron fanart. I can’t say what scene because spoilers but.... yeah, anything from that would be great, really.
29. Do you have a beta reader? Why/Why not?
Sort of. I make some of my friends like Pizza read over my shit before I post it, but that’s not often, only when I think I need it. I don’t just because I write a lot and I’d feel bad for constantly annoying someone with making them read everything I write. I hate inconveniencing people.
30. What inspires you to write?
The better question is what doesn’t. I never stop thinking like a writer. My brain forgot how to turn off that feature.
31. What’s the nicest thing someone has ever said about your writing?
Ummmm, I can’t think of an exact thing? I get so many beyond sweet comments and messages, it’s hard to pin down one comment. I think if I had to pick, I once got a message from someone on Tumblr who was old enough to be my mother complimenting me and telling me I didn’t write like a teenager and I think that was really sweet.
32. Do you listen to music when you write or does music inspire you? If so, which band or genre of music does it for you?
Yes, yes, yes, yes. And honestly, any genre. I listen to everything. Everything. But specifically, Emilie Autumn has inspired a lot ideas/fics I’ve written.
33. Do you write oneshots, multi-chapter fics or huuuuuge epics?
All of the above.
34. What’s the word count on your longest fic?
Around 23k, I think?
35. Do you write drabbles? If so, what do you normally write them about?
Yes, and whatever I get prompted for, really.
36. What’s your favourite genre to write?
For fanfiction, I guess romance? I mean, that’s really all my fanfiction is. Otherwise, I’ll write quite literally any genre I feel like. I go wherever an idea takes me. I’m character based, not genre or plot based.
37. First person or third person - what do you write in and why?
Third. I fucking despise 1st person. I just do. That’s an entire rant we ain’t here for today.
38. Do you use established canon characters or do you create OCs?
Usually canon characters. I only use an OC when I absolutely have to, to make the plot do the plot stuff.
39. What is you greatest strength as a writer?
Nothing. My writing sucks. All of it is shit.
40. What do you struggle the most with in your writing?
Everything. I screech the most about pacing and sentence structures though.
41. List and link to 5 fanfics you are currently reading:
Most of these are actually on my to-read list but whatever.
Winter's End by ali_aliska Winter is Coming (aka Fifty First Avengers Dates) by 27dragons, tisfan My Love is Vengeance by seikaitsukimizu The caged Hawk by asamandra Fertile Ground by 27dragons, tisfan
42. List and link to 5 fanfiction authors who are amazing:
27dragons tisfanChiaki_Hamano arianapeterson19 thepartyresponsible
43. Is there anyone in your fandom who really inspires you?
Not really? I’m not knocking any of the other ‘big names’ in the Marvel fandom, but I don’t really draw inspiration from other fanfic writers. Not for plot, and definitely not for writing style. I get inspiration from fanart I see sometimes, but it’s never one main artist who I stalk to be inspired, just whatever I happen across online.
44. What ship do you feel needs more attention?
WinterIron, duh. I will not rest until WinterIron is the biggest ship in the Marvel fandom.
45. What is your all time favourite fanfic?
I’ve mentioned this fic before and honestly, it hasn’t been topped yet, but In the Company of Monsters by Chiaki_Hamano. It’s not even a Marvel fic, and it’s not even a ship I like, but god, I fucking adore it. I’d love to write something like it, but with WinterIron if I had the time, I think the entire world and setting would fit WinterIron beautifully.
46. If someone was to read one of your fanfics, which fic would you recommend to them and why?
Well, that all depends on what they’re looking for in my fanfiction. If they’re looking for WinterIron, I’d probably tell them to start with The (Un)Wanted Kiss just because that’s one of my most loved fics and I think I did really well with it. But if they just want a general fic, A Great Connection is one I’m really proud of and I still get gushing feedback about.
47. Archive Of Our Own, Fanfiction.net or Tumblr - where do you prefer to post and why?
For just writing fanfic, Ao3. Tumblr can be a pain in the ass, and I don’t even use ff.net.
48. Do you leave reviews when you read fanfiction? Why/Why not?
Yes. But only if 1, I really, really loved it or 2, I don’t think the fic has enough attention. It also helps if the writer responds to comments. I don’t see the significance of saying “I loved this!” if the fic has dozens of other comments saying the same thing. As a writer, I know what comments writers prefer. Longer ones, deep comments pointing out what things they liked, and so on. However if I write a comment that long, I like to get a response because you know, I love seeing the writer talking about the elements of the story I liked.
49. Do you care if people comment/reblog your writing? Why/why not?
Not really, to be perfectly honest. Yes, I love and cherish every kudos and note I get, and the sweet comments make me want to die of joy. But I write for me. Even when I take prompts, in the end, I write because it makes me happy. Yes, I love the validation. But even without it, I would still write. I do not write fanfiction for you, I share fanfiction with you. There’s a difference. Writing makes me happy. If I only cared about the validation, I wouldn’t have a folder reserved of fics I’ll never post but I wrote just because I wanted to. I write to write. The moment I start writing for validation, I might as well stop writing, because it’s not worth it.
50. How did you get into reading and/or writing fanfiction?
Ummmm I think I was just curious? I was new to internet culture, I saw fanart of Superbat and I discovered Ao3 and was like “wow, this stuff exists??? Words for free????? About my favourite characters being happy and dating each other??????????” and it was a downward spiral. I was like, 11 when I read my first fanfiction. I was obsessed with Superbat fanart, and I thought, what would it hurt to try actually reading it? Like, that was so taboo to me. And now we’re here. Tadaaaaaah
51. Rant or Gush about one thing you love or hate in the world of fanfiction! Go!
Oh, a chance to ramble. Yay. I’m gonna rant because I’m a rant-y person.
I think something that annoys me about fanfiction is not necessarily a probably within fanfiction, but rather the outward view of it. Fanfic has an awful rep within the real world. The one-time fanfiction really took centre stage was when Fifty Shades came out, which only hurt the platform by furthering the stereotype that it’s all porn made for horny freaks who just want to get off.
I should not be ashamed to say I write fanfiction. I should not feel childish saying it to myself. No one should. At least half of my ‘fans’ are nearly a decade or more older than me. It’s clearly not something that’s immature or silly. Of course, it can be, but any hobby can be dumbed down to a kiddy version.
But fanfiction at its core is ignored for what it really is. When adults talk about fanfiction they belittle it and only see a tiny subsection of it, ignoring what it’s supposed to be about. It’s about creating transformative works for media you’re passionate about.
Fanfiction gets a worse rep than other transformative works such as fanart or whatever. Writing as a whole does. Fanfic is painted as this utter trash.
I’ve read fanfiction that made me cry, laugh, feel shit. I’ve read fanfiction that tackled heavy topics. Even on a sexual standpoint, I’ve read fanfiction that was willing to write erotica that published authors wouldn’t fucking touch. Both in a kink sense, but also in terms of how the relationship functions. I’ve read shitty fanfictions, sure. But I’ve read fanfictions that were better than 90% of the published books I’ve read. Even fanfics I didn’t like.
To put fanfiction into perspective, the average YA novel (the age group fanfiction is generally but not always aimed at) is 70k words. I’ve read fanfiction that blows that word count out of the water. And it takes fucking skill to write something that long. It’s not just writing a bunch of porn or cute scenes, that takes serious world building and character arcs.
Fanfiction kills so many tropes that are common in YA and literature in general. I read a YA after reading nothing but fanfiction for a long time and I was fucking appalled? It was a popular YA too. I won’t name what one because you could literally imagine anyone and it’d probably fit. The characters were flat, the romance was outright manipulative and toxic, the plot was dull, even the writing itself was bland. This was the type of book years ago I would’ve loved. But compared to most (of course, not all. Shit exists, but I think in fanfiction, we’re able to better filter out the shit) fanfictions, it was fucking trash.
When I started reading fanfiction, I assumed it’d lower my standards. The first time I picked up an actual novel I was relieved, excited to not have to deal with the problems that are in unpublished writings. But I quickly realized it was the complete opposite. Fanfiction threw my expectations through the roof. I expect fiction to include representation, fresh plots, interesting characters, thrilling romances, and decent fucking sex scenes if they’re there. But it just wasn’t there. It all fell flat. As someone seriously into the writing and reading community I hear so often that it’s hard for plots to be original and you shouldn’t judge on originality, but then I read fanfiction written by fucking teenagers that’s fucking mind-blowing with plot twists and original ideas, and I have to wonder is it really that hard? It’s clearly doable, you just have to take away the fanfiction part.
I have YA novels sitting on my sheld I know I’ll never read and enjoy because fanfiction just made my expectations too high. Which is good in a sense because I pray some of these amazing writers, when they get older will go on to write mind-blowing original novels and I hope that this generation of writers will put out great literature in ten to fifteen years, but for now I’m just… underwhelmed. I think it’s why I read a lot of classic literature too. Shit was better back then.
And yet despite all that, fanfiction is still made to look like shit in the modern media. It sucks so badly for fanfiction writers not to look like serious writers. I could publish one book, have it get the amount of attention my biggest fanfic got and be considered a serious author. My biggest fanfiction currently has 40k notes on Tumblr. Imagine if that were a published short story. It’d be a fucking hit. And there are others that make my numbers look small. And yet it’s brushed aside as unimpactful.
I think a lot of that stems from the fact that fanfic writers do generally start out younger. I’m 16. Others either are or were my age. But age does not equate to skill in writing. Sure, that is a factor, but it is not the entire story. I know a 14 yr old who writes some of the best prose I have ever seen. And even if younger fic writers aren’t on level yet, fanfiction is what’s helping them grow as a writer. But because we’re teenagers, we’re turned away just because of that. Even more specifically because we’re teenage girls (for the most part, I’m not saying other genders and/or age groups aren’t writing/reading fanfic) and we all know how society feels about them. It’s just a fucking shame that fanfiction can’t be respected for the legitimate form of writing it is because of the stigma. I’ve seen fanfic writers say they aren’t real writers because of the stigma, it’s awful. We feel the need to tear ourselves down for an admirable hobby. I can’t say my favourite book is a fanfiction I read, when I has every right to be a valid answer.
We’ll cut this ramble off here because wow I really went on didn’t I.
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Fan Wars: A New Hope. Damnit.
I sure do hope you like reading lots of words!!
Here's the remix (Edited. Longer. Angrier. Yay!): I’m about to get all fire and brimstone up in here. I apologize in advance.
Regarding my blog post re: The Joke Debacle, most everyone has been so thoughtful, mature, kind and open minded about the discussion matter, even if they didn’t necessarily agree with me. So that right there, shows me that it’s possible for all of us to be more understanding with each other regardless of our ships or faves or whatever. And I’m an open-minded, open book, so even if you don’t agree with me, this is a safe place to vent concerns or frustrations with what I say. We can all respectfully disagree, meet in the middle or go just back to our own corners. Whatever.
I'd like to encourage those of you who are taking your frustrations out on anyone who agrees with points made in my article (on Twitter or wherever) to come speak directly to me if you have an issue. I wrote it, after all. My blog is helpfully linked right there in the article. I don't bite. And for those of you who aren't overly familiar with what's going on, please check out the many, many comments attached to my actual blog post, and you will be able to see that there are far more people that are fed up with these bad apples, than there are bad apples. I hope. And if there are apples that don’t feel like they’re being given a fair shake, I’d like to hear from those apples too.
When I posted my angry rant last week, I didn’t expect it to gain so much traction. But it did…and it showed me I wasn’t alone, and that there are a lot of fed up fans out there, and justifiably so, who are looking for an end to this ridiculous inner-fandom civil war. I'm relatively new to Tumblr. I wasn't expecting to become the unofficial mouthpiece for this issue.
I was approached by movietvtechgeeks.com asking if they could use my blog post in an article about the cyberbullying that’s happening in this fandom, so I said “Sure!” I’m honored that someone would want to print my rambling. But of course, it’s also opened up the floor on Twitter, yet again, for certain people to deliberately misconstrue the content and twist it to suit their own agenda in the comment sections. What they fail to realize is…they’re only proving why we needed this article in the first place. So, joke’s on them!! However…. now I feel obligated to come on here and clarify my intent and that’s friggin irritating.
Here is the article if you want to take a looksee: https://twitter.com/movietvtechgeek/status/927578926397952000
I NEED TO MAKE A FEW THINGS CRYSTAL CLEAR (apparently):
1. I don’t have a ship. I don’t dislike shippers. (Ship away! I just dislike pushy people with no sense of boundaries) So please do not misconstrue anything I say as promoting or denigrating *a* ship. You do you. Let me do me. Well, that sounded vaguely dirty… you know what I mean. I’m just gonna ship me with myself now. Nobody can love me quite like me.
2. I don’t stan an actor, and I don’t think that because someone likes “another” actor (whomever that might be) more, that it’s a direct affront to me or them. I tag all these "relevant to the post” actors because I think they’re all relevant to the success of this show, and sadly….also to this juvenile ridiculousness that seems to be brewing between fan factions.
But, if I’m being honest? Full disclosure: I do have a favorite! Jensen. Heyyyoooo! I think he’s an incredibly talented actor IN MY OPINION, and I like his extraordinarily expressive face. See? Simple as that. Is that a problem? And do you feel better now that it’s out in the open?
We can all have opinions, and favorites without “throwing feces like howler monkeys” to quote a certain dickhead angel. And as far as personalities and talent go? They’re all amazing, and they all belong, IN MY OPINION. The main cast, the supporting cast, new castmates, former castmates…. they all just…gel. You know? It’s some kind of voodoo magic. And they’re by all accounts, really decent people doing good things out there in the world. Without any one of them, it wouldn’t be the show we all know and love. And if you don’t love the SHOW, well….I guess fucking go watch something else? Right??
Listen....Unless you’re tied to a chair Clockwork Orange-style, and being force fed this show by some evil, covert government agency… you DO have other choices.
3. I sucked it up and joined Twitter because there seems to be an attack dog, hive-mind situation happening that seems hell bent on cowing people into submission. That shit doesn’t fly with me. And if I’m on there and see bullying, damaging misinformation or harassment… I’m going to get in the fray. But I’m going to TRY to do it with honesty, integrity and a sense of humor. I want to sit at the adults table on Turkey Day. Not at the kids table with Weird Uncle Augustus. Know what I mean? Don’t be that guy.
AND ONCE MORE FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK: To be clear - I’m not speaking to ONE specific group of people. However, if you look into the mirror I’m holding up and see your own reflection? I’m probably talking to you.
4. I’m not going to choose a “side”. I choose the show, it’s actors, crew, writers, etc, collectively. Because they all work their asses off, both on and off the set to give us fans so much more than just entertainment.
5. If someone wanted to hold a mirror up to this fandom right now, via a juicy documentary on the ship wars, fighting factions, undermining, conspiracy theories, revenge tactics, harassment campaigns, etc…. I think its safe to say, we’re all gonna be pretty fucking embarrassed. Let’s hope that never happens. I’m cringing just thinking about it. But we deserve it, if we keep on with this petty bullshit, ya know?
6. My blog post was not about for J2 "stans” or about Misha “stans”, for gods sake people. This post was about how splinter groups (for lack of a better term) were being damaging and disruptive (As they do.) and how it’s bad for EVERYONE when we let warring factions steamroll over everyone else, AND each other. This post was a direct response to the organized and brutally efficient Twitter campaign that somehow found its way into the laps of a handful of online news sites in an effort to publicize an off-color joke in order to take advantage of the current climate in the entertainment industry and start a viral witch hunt. *I just ran out of breath. Time for a James Brown pause*
7. My post was also aimed at the Twitter spamming campaigns that Shatner and Pellegrino, as well as J2 had to put up with in the past few weeks. And don't feed us that horsehit about them bullying the poor fans that spoke their minds. NO. You collectively went on, and started shit, kept coming at them, and they defended themselves. And rather maturely, considering. It’s about groups of people that have gotten so wrapped up and out of control, that they’re poisoning this fan family. I genuinely feel concerned that some folks are confusing reality with fiction, here.
8. If you look back farther on my Tumblr page (?) to the good ol days of last Thursday (?) - particularly the Silent Majority post - that post is not in reference to any fan or any actor, specifically. It’s in reference to the majority of fans who want to do the right thing, WANT to help out, WANT to just enjoy the damn show without all this drama and hate. But because they’re quiet, and they’re not able to speak their minds without fear of retribution…. they’re vastly under-represented. And so, the assholes of the fandom run amok unchallenged. THAT’S the majority I’m speaking of.
9. I abhor anyone that lurks around on social media looking for people to mess with. So, imagine my surprise and disappointment that now I’M that person, because of this fucking shit!! I’m only getting after people who are picking on others, but still… lurking, arguing. Utter waste of valuable time. Yours and mine.
Saturday night I apparently pissed off the leader of one of the SPN gangs (what do you call them??) when I called her out on her behavior and was ominously told: “Wanna see what happens when I tell my followers what to think and do”. To which I responded “I already have. And it’s deplorable” And then offered to provide her with my name, # and home address. She didn’t want it. I don’t know why. I thought it was funny! I NEVER get hate mail... and I was looking forward to some postcards. I’m old school that way. Don’t hate tweet me. Send me a hate postcard featuring something cool from your state.
Jokes aside....that’s the kind of crap that mobilized me in the first place.
I tried to have a reasonable conversation with this individual and even asked if she wanted to take it offline and talk. I followed her lead, conversationally, did snark back when required...but just when I thought we were going to have a reasonable discussion, she pulled the rug out. I tried. If you’re reading this and you feel misrepresented, or misunderstood, or you’re trying to misrepresent our conversation - the door is still open if you want to talk. But I’m not going to tolerate your bullshit, and neither should anyone else.
Who ARE these people? And why is this happening? That’s my question.
10. I'm not here to listen to arguments that a 6-year old might find compelling in a court of law, such as: Well, Jensen told that joke a year ago, or Misha said thisthatandtheotherthing back in the day...so why are you only talking about Jareds joke?
Well...because this is not a tit-for-tat thing. I'm talking about the issue that is relevant RIGHT NOW. And this is far from a "blame it on Jared" thing. I feel awful for the guy. For both of them for even being looped into this insanity. The intent of my blog post was to address very current events that have been demonstrative of the current, toxic climate brewing in the SPN fandom. I’m NOT here to write the Unabridged History of SPN Actors and Their Fondness for Off-Color Jokes.
11. If you're all wound up and offended by what I wrote? It's probably because I wrote this blog post not for you, but about you. OR, you've not been provided with context, content or clarity, and you got swept up in this manufactured hysteria and reacted. OR, you think I’m a total asshole, and that’s ok. I get it! And I understand how my post could make some of you defensive and prickly. But hey, as the saying goes... don't start none, won't BE none. On the flip side, as someone eloquently stated (ahem, CarolHansson) "It's ok to be offended....it's also ok to not be offended"
12. I am not a rape apologist. And neither are the actors. And to even insinuate that any of us, by extension of supporting Jared or Jensen in this situation, are pro "rape culture", is appropriating a term and using it so irresponsibly that you're negating the real suffering of sexual abuse survivors. The more you trivialize it, the more you take away its power. Stop using manufactured concern for survivors as your jumping-off point for harassment, and START asking yourself what's really motivating you to use that argument as an excuse for your behavior. BTW, #Metoo, and you sure as hell don't represent ME.
If you want to see a record of this casts achievements for mental health awareness, LGBTQ rights, anti-bullying and womens issues, to name a few - it's a simple Google search away. That's on your time. Not mine. Again....not here to write their autobiography. This piece is an opinion piece. I try to be balanced, but that’s as far as it goes. I'm not CNN.
13. MISHA: Misha was not mentioned in my post because Misha was not under fire last week or the week before over this stupid bullshit. If I SEE that happening, I’ll write about THAT. But HE was not the focus of this mess. So I left HIM out of it. Does that make sense? And also? I'm not here to equally represent all actors at all times. That's not how this works in the context of the subject matter at hand. If you want to see more adequate representation for your favorite actor - write your own op ed. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.
And Misha as well as J2, are probably more than a little appalled that some of their biggest fans (?) are committing to some shady behavior in their honor and in their names. Just a guess. They’re good guys and this is probably not sanctioned behavior. If you think it is? Show me the receipts. Let’s do this honestly, using facts. Not conjecture.
14. No, I do not excuse anyone's behavior because of their physical attractiveness. Neither do most people. I am not a child (Thank you, Uma Thurman), and I don't rationalize like a child.
15. No, I am not doing this to seek approval from the actors, and neither is anyone else with the #istandwithJ2 hashtag. As previously stated, this is an equal and opposite reaction to the bullshit that brought us all here today. You’re grasping at straws at this point, if that’s the argument you’re going with. Speaking on my own behalf, I have nothing to gain here, except some new Tumblr friends with a side of troll.
16. To reiterate on previous posts - I’m hoping that all of us will collectively start sticking up for each other when we see someone harassing a fellow fan online. Even if you don’t want to comment….maybe give the person being flamed those little heart thingys (likes?). Direct message them if liking their post doesn’t feel safe. Show them your support in some way, so that they don’t feel alone and so that they don’t feel quite so vulnerable to attacks from online bullies. We Have Got To Start Backing Up People who are just trying to express their opinions respectfully and are being slammed with responses that are belligerent, demeaning, threatening, obnoxious, etc. Otherwise - these jerks will just keep steamrolling right over the more gentle viewers out there. And a lot of them, are just kids. And this goes both ways. It has to, in order to be effective.
If you see something - say something. That’s my 2 cents anyway.
The world’s going to Hell in a handbasket, 26 innocent people were gunned down yesterday in a place they held sacred and felt safe in, and it just keeps happening.
Mother Nature has decided she’s sick of our shit and has been upending thousands of lives. There are actual sexual predators in some of our pasts and sadly, in some of our futures. And this “joke” has no relevancy or bearing on that sad fact.
Women, people of color, LGBTQ people, economically fragile people, physically fragile people, etc...are seeing their protections, rights and livelihoods eroded away in an alarmingly short period of time, and the list goes on and on… and THIS is what we’re dedicating our mental and emotional resources to?
This show is supposed to be an escape from reality, guys. Not actual reality.
Why are we harassing the actors and fellow fans of a television show that brought us all together in the first place? This is entertainment, people. I know how important this show is to all of us. And I know how impactful the message of this show has been. And I know that without this show, some of us might not be here today. We are some passionate sumbitches. I GET THAT.
The question still remains.... what in the actual fuck are we really fighting for and about, here? If someone can quantify and explain that to me in a way that makes sense, I’m all ears.
Has it really come to: “Maybe we need to devise a more sophisticated tagging situation so that people don’t keep dipping their chocolate in other peoples peanut butter.” I don’t know. But this is Nth level ridiculousness, and we need to figure it out before it gets even worse.
For now, I’m going to get back to enjoying this show for what it is, and putting my beautiful brain back to work on more important matters. I’ve spent a week in this muck, and it’s been... enlightening. I’ll say that.
And even though I don’t agree with some of you - I can see by the CSI-level attention to detail that a lot of us have applied to all things SPN... that we could actually be mobilized into an almost unstoppable force for real good and real change. If we wanted that.
We could probably figure out who ordered JFK’s assassination. Figure out where Jimmy Hoffa’s buried. Solve the mysteries of the pyramids.... help reunite missing kids with their families...Get Trump impeached... ahem. You get it.
Or we could just keep wasting our pent-up aggression on other fans, and the actors of our favorite show. Because that’s easy. Choices.
But wait! There’s more! Because I keep getting valid messages and concerns, this ridiculously long piece just got longer.
Posting these blogs has opened the door to a lot of private communication from both sides of the fence in the fandom, and I'm going to include some of my recent responses to an SPN fan who felt that her group of fans were not getting a fair shake and felt my blog targeted them. We had a long discussion and she was very cool and had a lot of valid concerns and examples of other bad fan behavior dating wayyyy back, so I wanted to add this in.
I'm just going to paraphrase my own replies and print them here, so that people who may feel misrepresented or angry can see that, there are other ways to discuss these issues and for everyone to see that there's a better way than Twitter Wars.
(Paraphrased conversation subject matter in italics)
What's amazing is that J2 fans AND Misha fans have private messaged me with the exact same concerns. And you have one very important thing in common: You ALL feel victimized. And you have been. Know why? It's because you've been victimizing each other.
(Slaps own face. HARD.) Not because of her. But because of this whole enchilada.
If both groups are concerned about the same issues and both want the harassment to stop, whyyyy are you still at each others throats?
Well, I think it's because good people are capable of behaving very badly, especially online. And all they’re doing is making themselves look ridiculous. And they do not merit support.
A lot of people have been using me as a mediator, or prism, so to speak, with regards to this issue. But you don't need me, when you all essentially want the same damn thing.
It's time to stop participating. All you have to do is take a step back and say to yourself (or others if you’re feeling up to it) I'm not going to support harassment, hate or damaging misinformation. And you can do that by unfollowing abusive accounts, by not "liking" or reblogging abusive content...and/or by not contributing to it yourself. And if enough of us did that, BOOM, on our way to a solved problem.
These are only a few suggestions. There's no cure or quick fix for this.
Only alternatives to current behaviors.
And I know there's a lot of bad blood between these groups as evidenced by the mountains of grievances I've been getting. Can’t un-say or undo any of it. But we can stop doing it going forward, can’t we?
As long as people want to keep concentrating on past transgressions and dwelling on past arguments, no one can move on.
And continuing to keep score with hopes to "win" something on here isn’t working either. I’ve got bad news: There's no "winning" here. No grand prize. Just more of the same bullshit. And if you’re happy to sit in this pile of crap and continue to marinate? That’s your prerogative. By “your” I mean WHOMEVER fits the bill.
It's not my responsibility to make you play nice with each other. Or mediate your arguments. Though, it sounds like mediation is exactly what ya'll might need. I'm just here, publicly stating how this all looks to me: Like a never-ending playground slapfight.
I think that there will always be "haters". That's the nature of fandom, and life in general. But if we stop promoting that kind of behavior with our support, and if these individuals have to lurk in the back channels, as opposed to being allowed to thrive and build fiefdoms all over social media. That sounds like a good compromise to me.
And if you have a lot to express on this matter from your own perspective, there are better alternatives to spamming people on Twitter. For example...
Write a blog! If you’d like to provide an objective viewpoint, and also defend your stance but you’re afraid people will see that you support actor A, B, or C and automatically discount what you have to say? Start a side blog. Compile a list of wrongs that you’ve seen committed by both sides and be the mirror, and show people what they’ve become.
Create your own, blank slate and start fresh.
There, now I can drop the mic.
#Jensen Ackles#Jared Padalecki#Misha Collins#spnfandom#spn family#dean winchester#Sam Winchester#castiel#mark pellegrino#lucifer
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The Weekend Warrior Home & Drive-In Edition June 19, 2020 – YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT, BABYTEETH, MISS JUNETEENTH, 7500 and More
We’re three weekends into June and New York City is still in Phase 1 of reopening (movie theaters will presumably be in Phase 4), but I’m already hearing that movie theaters will continue to reopen over the next few weeks with New York and L.A. finally opening on July 17, which is when we’re supposed to get some new theatrical releases. We’ll see if that happens or not.
In any other week, the Blumhouse psychological thriller YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT (Universal), which reunites Stir of Echoes director David Koepp with that film’s star, Kevin Bacon, would be getting some sort of theatrical release, probably in 2,500 theaters or maybe more. Instead, it’s going to the same PVOD platform used by Universal for Trolls World Tour and last week’s The King of Staten Island, which is kind of shame. Not that I can say whether I liked the movie or not since I’m under embargo, but I can at least say what the movie is about, kinda.
Bacon and his significantly younger actress wife, played by significantly younger actor Amanda Seyfried, move into a house in Wales with their young daughter Ella (Avery Essex), and then all sorts of strange things start happening… and that’s probably all I can say about the plot without spoiling stuff, although I will say that if you like high concept mind fuck movies, as I generally do, this is a doozy! [I’ll add my mini-review for this here once the embargo breaks on Thursday morning, and also I’ll have an interview with writer/director David Koepp over at VitalThrills.com around the same time.)
Mini-Review: When you come into a movie like You Should Have Left after having seen David Koepp’s previous movie Stir of Echoes with Kevin Bacon, you might imagine that would have been a tough act to follow. In fact, Stir of Echoes, while it still has some cool ideas, hasn’t aged particularly well, especially when you realize that it opened just a month after M. Night Shyamalan’s The Sixth Sense. As it were, You Should Have Left has a few similarities beyond Mr. Bacon, but it’s also a very different movie that benefits from fitting into the mold of some of the better recent Blumhouse movies.
In this one, Bacon plays Theo Conroy, a man with a troubled past an an extremely attractive and significantly younger wife, aptly played by Amanda Seyfried. There are already problems in their marriage when we meet them, but soon afterwards, they’re renting a house in a remote part of Wales in order to get away with their young daughter (Avery Essex). Conroy is still being haunted by the death of his previous wife, for which he was blamed but this new abode starts giving him horrifying nightmares as well as odd circumstances with the house having all sorts of nooks and crannies that should not be geographically possible. (I’m trying to be vague as possible with the plot since there are definitely some nice plot twists and definite spoilers.)
It’s a fairly simple set-up as we watch things get worse and worse for Theo as he discovers that his wife has been cheating, and the house starts getting more threatening with Theo worrying even more about his daughter. But this isn’t a cheesy horror movie like House, and maybe at times, it couldn’t even really be thought of as quote-unquote “horror,” because it isn’t particularly scary until the third act when it does start getting VERY scary.
Of course, Bacon’s performance is going to be something eyed carefully to see how he’s grown as an actor in the 21 years since Stir of Echoes, and he certainly has, but it’s often his youngest co-star, Avery Essex, who not only steals the scenes but also pushes him to even greater heights with her own ability to keep things grounded and real even when things start getting crazier.
You Should Have Left is another fine Koepp chiller that frequently leaves you guessing about what is happening with its suitably claustrophobic mind-fuck esthetics and another well-nuanced performance by Bacon. It’s eerie and disturbing but also has an epilogue that somehow comes across as surprisingly sweet and even somewhat sentimental.
Rating: 7/10
Fresh from its much-lauded premiere at Sundance comes Shannon Murphy’s directorial debut, the quirky Aussie comedy BABYTEETH (IFC Films), which stars newcomer Eliza Scanlen as Milla Finlay, a teen girl with a disease that’s killing her, who falls for a drug dealer named Moses (Toby Wallace). Ben Mendelsohn and Essie Davis from The Babadook plays Milla’s disapproving parents, lecherous psychiatrist Henry and manic-depressive Anna.
Apparently, Murphy’s movie is based on a play written by Rita Kalnejai, which played a sold-out run in Sydney back in 2012, and while there are elements that make it seem obvious it’s based on a play, what Murphy has done with the material takes it far beyond its source material. I especially enjoyed the way it deals with young first love in a fairly sweet way but also in a very realistic way.
At first, Babyteeth is a little strange, maybe not quite on the level of strange of some of Miranda July’s work or the movie Lemon (which I hated) in that it’s actually watchable, but more like Taika Waititi’s Hunt for the Wilderpeople. Incidentally, all of those films premiered at Sundance just to give you some sense of the programming there, but it also reminds me more positively of Me and Earl and the Dying Girl, which not only premiered at Sundance but won both the Jury and Audience Award that year, so yeah, Sundance is nothing if it’s not a little predicable.
Eliza Scanlen and Toby Wallace are both great, but it’s all the quirky characters surrounding them that makes you unsure where it’s all going, but don’t be fooled by the film’s earlier quirkiness, because it does go to a few rather dark and dramatic places. Again, I liked it in a similar way as I liked Earl, and it’s a really strong directorial debut with fantastic musical choices, and I’ll be really curious to see whether people discover it right away or it becomes a cult favorite over time.
Channing Godfrey People’s new indie drama MISS JUNETEENTH (Vertical), starring Nicole Beharie, is probably one of the more relevant releases of the weekend because Friday is the annual Juneteenth celebration. Beharie plays Turquoise Jones, a woman who won the town’s annual Miss Juneteenth pageant decades earlier who now has a teen daughter Kai (Alexis Chikaeze) entered in the pageant.
I will freely admit that a few weeks back, I had no idea what Juneteenth was or what it represented, although I kept seeing it listed in my ICal every June 19. Then I heard about this movie and shortly after, I saw it referenced in Ava DuVernay’s Selma on a recent rewatch, so I looked it up – thinking maybe it was more of a Southern thing, which it is – and sure enough, it’s the date when Texas abolished slavery in 1965. I’m so glad that was settled.
Okay, back to the movie. I definitely was interested in it since like Babyteeth, Miss Juneteenth debuted at Sundance, but as expected for a festival mainly attended by critics from New York and L.A., it didn’t get very much attention, so it was probably always going to get a VOD release.
It mainly follows how Beharie’s character comes to term with not achieving some of the greatness of past Miss Juneteenth winners and hoping her daughter will achieve more than she did by winning the pageant. Kai really isn’t too interested in achieving greatness in the way her mother wants, as she would rather be a dancer. (Since it’s implied that Turquoise spent many years making money by stripping, it would make sense she wouldn’t that for her daughter.)
I kind of wish the movie did more interesting things with the characters but People’s screenplay is decent but not great, and it’s elevated by the talented Ms. Beharie and others. The interesting thing about Miss Juneteenth is that not only did the movie grow on me as I watched it, but it also oddly really stuck with me after it was over, even though it’s more of an intimate personal story about one woman rather than a bigger exploration of the holiday itself.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt makes his return to the screen (just not the big one) in Patrick Vollrath’s action-thriller, 7500 (Amazon Prime), playing the co-pilot of a German plane that’s hijacked by terrorists. I wish there was more to say about it beyond that simple plot, but there really isn’t, and the majority of the film takes place in the cockpit as Gordon-Levitt’s Tobias Ellis watches other activities taking places on monitor screens.
I’ve always been a fan of Gordon-Levitt as an actor but this material generally seems below his talents, and his performance falters suitably while trying to make more of what’s a fairly dated and tired script. On top of that, it’s just brutal to watch at times, and that’s not necessarily a good thing, despite the film’s intent at being a thriller. (One plot decision pissed me off so much I almost stopped watching.)
Honestly, I’m not even sure why they called this movie 7500, since there was already a horror movie called Flight 7500 a few years back, and that isn’t even the number of the flight in the movie, so this whole thing left me rather puzzled, not only how and why it got made but why it couldn’t have been even just slightly better.
Netflix got the rights to Olivier Assayas’ latest, WASP NETWORK after it played a bunch of festivals last fall, including TIFF, Venice and the New York Film Festival, and the streamer will premiere the spy-thriller starting Friday. It reunites Assayas with his Carlos star Edgar Ramírez, who plays René González, a Cuban pilot who flees Cuba to defect to the United States, leaving his wife (Knives Out’s Ana de Armas) and daughter behind. Once in Florida, he joins a group of exiles called the Wasp Network, led by undercover operative Manuel Viramontez (Gael Garcia Bernal) and becomes part of a pro-Castro spy ring infiltrating Cuban-American terrorist groups. I wasn’t hugely interested in the subject matter when I tried watching it at the NY Film Festival, and part of that was maybe because like Carlos, it requires a lot of patience and concentration that I’m sure I didn’t have last October. I hope to have a chance to rewatch it this week, and if I get all the way through it, I’ll add some sort of actual review.
Ross Boyask’s action-thriller sequel I AM VENGEANCE: RETALIATON (Saban Films/Lionsgate), once again stars former WWE wrestler Stu Bennett aka “Wade Barrett” as ex special forces John Gold who goes for justice (and vengeance and retaliation, if that wasn’t clear from the title) against the man who betrayed his team on their final mission, Sean Teague, as played by Guy Ritchie regular, Vinnie Jones. Haven’t had a chance to watch this in time to write about it for the column, but I also never got to watch the previous I Am Vengeance, but hopefully I’ll have more time before its digital debut on Friday.
Another film opening in Virtual Cinema (which is definitely the “new normal” these days) is Yonatan Nir and Dani Menkin’s documentary PICTURE OF HIS LIFE about acclaimed underwater wildlife photographer Amos Nachoum and his greatest challenge to photograph a polar bear while swimming with one in open waters sans protection. Another movie I wasn’t able to get to before writing this column – noticing a trend there? -- but it certainly sounds interesting, especially if the cinematography is as good as I’m expecting from watching the trailer.
I will freely admit that I’ve been a bit hit or miss on the recent work of multi-Oscar-nominee Agnieszka Holland and her more recent work, and her new film MR. JONES (Samuel Goldwyn) is another drama set during WWII as with her previous film, In Darkness. Thus one is written by Andrea Chalupa and stars James Norton as Gareth Jones, an ambitious journalist who goes to Moscow looking for the truth behind Stalin’s Soviet propaganda machine that is trying to sway the Western World in its battle against Hitler. Apparently, this would later inspire George Orwell’s Animal Farm, but honestly, this subject didn’t really interesting me, and neither could the presence of decent actors like Peter Sarsgaard and Vanessa Kirby. Either way, it will be released on digital this Friday then On Demand on July 3.
I’ve heard good things but haven’t had a chance to see Theodore Collatos and Carolina Monnerat’s documentary, Queen of Lapa (Factory 25), which is about influential Brazilian transgender activist Luana Muniz, which won the Grand Jury Prize at the 31st edition of New Fest, New York’s LGBTQ Film Festival, as well as a selection of a number of other film festivals. Muniz was a cabaret performer, sex worker and activist who helped humanize Rio’s transgender sex workers.
Related to this, Netflix will also debut Sam Feder’s doc Disclosure this week, looking at the way trangender men and women have been depicted in film and on television with leading trans creatives and thinkers like Laverne Cox, Lilly Wachowski, Yance Ford and others being interviewed. I haven’t watched it yet but will check it out when it debuts this Friday.
Hong Sang Soo’s 2006 film Woman on the Beach (Grasshopper Films) is premiering as part of Film at Lincoln Center’s Virtual cinema, which is actually one of my favorite films by the director.
Downtown at the Film Forum’s Virtual Cinema, you can watch Matt Riddlehoover’s doc My Darling Vivian (The Film Collaborative) about the relationship between Vivian Liberto and one Johnny Cash, who had a three-year long-distance relationship while the classic country singer was stationed in Germany and got married when he returned and became a household name.
This week’s rep stuff being added to Film Forum’s Virtual Cinema include Robert Hamer’s original 1960 comedy, School of Scoundrels (Film Forum/ Virtual), starring Alastair Sim – part of the trilogy of Sim films which will be available for rental through Film Forum -- and Jean-Pierre Melville’s 1953 noir, When You Read This Letter…
Apple Plus will be debuting Bryce Dallas Howard’s documentary Dads (just in time for Father’s Day!), which looks at fatherhood through a number of well-known fathers including Will Smith and one Ron Howard.
Other films that I haven’t had as much time to look into include Mope (Quiver Distribution) and The Pollinators (1091).
This week begins two more annual festivals, both of them going virtually with the AFI Docs Film Festival (done in conjunction with NBC’s “Meet the Press”) running from June 17 through June 21 and the Lighthouse International Film Festival, based in New Jersey, which will run from June 16 to 20. The latter’s opening film is Rod Lurie’s military drama The Outpost, which I’ve been looking forward to seeing for quite some time, while the Centerpiece film is Summerland. This week’s Oxford Film Festival offerings include the narrative feature, The Killing of Kenneth Chamberlain, will debut on Sunday. Unfortunately, you’ll have to live in Mississippi, Tennessee or Alabama to see the The Rabbi Goes West, presented by the Jewish Federation of Oxford.
Next week, more movies not in nearly as many theaters as usual… including (finally!) My Spy!!!
By the way, if you read this week’s column and have bothered to read this far down, feel free to drop me some thoughts at Edward dot Douglas at Gmail dot Com or drop me a note or tweet on Twitter. I love hearing from readers … honest!
#TheWeekendWarrior#Movies#Reviews#YouShouldHaveLeft#VOD#Streaming#Babyteeth#MissJuneteenth#7500#WaspNetwork
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Free Stuff!
You like free stuff, right? Of course you do, and I'll give you some in a minute after we chat. You like free comic book day and free donuts and coffee while you wait for an oil-change. You like free samples at Costco, or a free ebook full of useful life-hacks like, "wake yourself up in the morning by soaking your contact lenses in coffee." If it's hot enough, the coffee will melt the contacts to your eyes, and that's a lot cheaper than Lasik surgery!
How about a free punch in the face? No? Boxers pay piles of money for that. They buy gloves, gym memberships, trainers, agents, steroids, and towels exclusively for sweat. They've paid a small fortune by the time they get a really good punch from a guy like Mike Tyson or Rocky Balboa. (Additional life hack: save on ear piercings by fighting Mike Tyson.) If they pay so much to get punched, why are you upset when someone punches you for free?
Still no? Because you don't like free stuff; you like certain things, and it's a nice bonus when they're free. Free beer is only nice if you like beer. You might think I need the Large Hadron Collider to split a hair that thin, but your relationship to "free stuff" changes when you start a business. If you want to meet your high-school biology teacher's standard of living (eating and breathing), you need marketing. That includes you, freelance artists, welcome to the glitz and glamour of owning a business and buying your own ramen noodles.
Marketing sucks. I'm just as annoyed as you when "social media marketing experts" follow me on Twitter with their inspirational quotes and their slick YouTube presentations, reminding you to be authentically authentic. "Thanks, I know it takes more muscles to frown than smile, but I'm not a lazy bastard!" Marketing makes me feel like Elizabeth Bathory, bathing in the blood of virgins. I don't want to be associated with creeps like the guy at the used car lot who only has a mustache so he can offer you a ride. "Ladies? Wink, wink!"
Even the jargon of marketing is dehumanizing and gross: target audience, market segment, and the holy grail, double-income no kids (DINK). Key performance indicators (KPI) help you analyze the ratio of Cost to Acquire Customers (CAC) and Customer Lifetime Value (CLTV) and reduce "churn" (customers leaving because they're sick of you talking about them like a fucking toaster).
It's unavoidable though, because you are that sleazy sales guy at the car lot... sort of. I'll assume you've had at least one job in your life. Did you feel dirty after selling yourself in the interview? Sure you embellished, because who doesn't want to hire a certified coffee grader? And how would they know? You can tell the difference between quality coffee and Starbucks. The gourmet coffee is named like a Senate bill, like HR61, not to be confused with the Securing the Assistance of Victims of Exploitation (SAVE) act; fitting in a discussion about coffee. Regardless, you sold yourself and your boss purchased your service. I assume you didn't resort to any awful sales tactics, like telling the interviewer, "and if you hire in the next thirty minutes, I'll throw in a free mustache ride!" Like it or not, sales is a necessity of modern life, like traffic, spam folders, or wondering how your uncle is still so racist in 2017. "No, uncle Steve, Jews did not invent jazz dancing, and stop offering my friends mustache rides."
But marketing isn't sales. Oh, look, the Large Hadron Collider! Bear with me. We don't watch Star Trek because it has robots and lasers. We watch because it tells us a story about who we are and the better selves we aspire to be. But we also wouldn't watch Star Trek if it didn't have any robots or lasers. Now that I'm a glitzy, ramen-eating business owner, sales is like that. I don't make comedy to sell books; I sell books, so I can make you laugh. It's an important distinction because I get caught up in my survival needs and forget they aren't in the driver's seat. You're the boss here, and I'm interviewing with you for the job of comedian. It's fair for you to decide I'm not right for you and I have to look elsewhere. But if we click, I hope you'll consider being my boss and also my friend.
You'll see on my resume that I quit a twenty-year software engineering career in late 2015. Most employers think I'm "overqualified", but I'm hoping you'll look past that. If my goal were to eat or to buy toys like Fitbits and vacuum shoes, then leaving tech was suicide. "Alexa, ruin my career." For me, comedy isn't about the money. I enjoyed software, but that didn't matter once I realized I was just asking my boss, "you want fries with that?" Maybe I was more skilled than the next man-shaped-cog, but when I left nobody stopped selling their cars, high-rise condos, or Bluetooth hairbrushes (fad hair day). The world didn't notice me leave any more than you notice turnover at your local Arby's. I left to make the things that burn in my soul, that keep me up at night, and that wouldn't exist if I didn't make them.
Seth Godin is right that artists need to create a purple cow (something that wouldn't exist without us). You'll never beat the industrial machine at their game. There's always a Mr Burns with a giant, faceless corporation that exploits third-world toddlers because their tiny hands and boundless energy will sew those shirts faster and cheaper (just like Santa's elves). WalMart runs real sweat shops right here in America.
After family and friends, your work should be the most meaningful thing in your life, but meaningful work has to sustain you and the purple cow won't keep you in ramen on its own. You have to market it. I've seen lots of purple cows that languish in obscurity. My friend Chris makes a webcomic called Puck, but he's said on numerous occasions that you can't earn a living with one. I think I can prove him wrong, and I think Brad Guigar, Russell Nohelty, and Tyler James already have. They earn their living making books and comics and helping others do the same (including me). Not to mention the many other creators I see earning decent livings with just the support of patrons.
So to maintain my family's ramen supply, I need to learn marketing, and then shower to get the stink off. Every time I see a blog from someone who's obviously successful, they're using tactics that make my skin crawl! "Here watch my twenty-minute prerecorded marketing tutorial and when it's over buy a subscription to my exclusive marketing club that's ONLY three-hundred dollars! But only for the next TWENTY MINUTES! HURRY! CLOCK'S TICKING, ASSHOLE! GIVE ME YOUR $300! NOW!! NOW!!!! NOW!!!!!! After twenty minutes, it goes back up to $400!" I want you to know before I say this, that I am incredibly grateful for Tyler James, who's given me a ton of great information about reaching my goals FOR FREE. Having said that, Tyler James is a dillhole. I love him and I'm super-grateful for everything that dillhole's done.
== Frustrated Rant Mode Engaged ==
Tyler: I realize somebody ponied up a bazillion dollars for your Harvard Masters, but my wife and I are below poverty (a family of 5 on $24k/yr) for the last two years now while I work this shit out. We literally paid every penny we had in the world to buy our house, and that was less than a quarter of that paper for your wall. It has nothing to do with me not wanting to support you that I can't whip-out $300 in twenty minutes. You've helped me, I think you deserve recognition, respect, gratitude and even testimonials and help from me. But even one-hundred dollars might mean not having power or Internet this month, and it'd be nice if you didn't rub it in my fucking face.
I feel guilty buying a sandwich at Arby's because the money could go toward advertising, despite knowing most of it has to be spent on food (I know Arby's isn't technically food). The silver lining is that we own our house, but after four years and two repair jobs, we still have a small leak in our basement. I personally dug a pit on the side of the house for weeks to save some money on it. (It's a real no-money pit.) And that's not even mentioning walking twenty-miles uphill both ways in the snow. Christmas is in a few days and I anguished this year over buying each of my kids ten dollars worth of used comics at Half Price Books. (They're still my kids at 16 to 22.) At least Tiny Tim hasn't lost his spirit!
So no, twenty minutes for a 25% discount on a $400 membership isn't "a great deal!" It's a slap in the face. And most of us who are trying to earn our living with comics (your "target market") are in my situation, not yours. If you'd offered me a payment plan, like I could layaway it for $50/mo, I likely would have bought it without the high-pressure tactics and told my Patrons I was spending their pledges on that instead of advertising for 6-8 months.
== Frustrated Rant Mode Terminated ==
EDIT: I want everyone to know Tyler James is a super stand-up guy! I had a brief discussion with him recently, he read this blog, and was super-chill about the roast and being called a dillhole for comedic effect. He also informed me of a related note, and I want you to know I had no influence on this, this was his plan before we talked. Tyler said:
"It's funny though... this year I am switching my courses payment structure to a monthly membership model in order to open all of my premium programs up to creators at all income levels. Price should not be a reason not to join."
He also informed me rather matter-of-factly, that I didn't have all the facts regarding his Harvard Degree. He got a special scholarship to attend Harvard in recognition of two years teaching in one of the country's most underfunded school districts. Thanks for filling me in on that, Tyler, I appreciate it!
So if you haven't met Tyler, I definitely recommend you do.
I'll be transparent here and share how my budget works, so you understand why I stay in the sleazy motel room that is marketing, (it smells of smoke and piss and god knows what happened to the toilet, but you're stuck there because of a mustache-riding convention in town). Webcomics used to support themselves with ads like network TV. That ended in 2013 when marketing peeps said "WE WANT MOAR POPUPS!" and the Internet responded with a Grumpy Cat meme in the form of a massive spike in ad-blocking technology. Woohooligan has one ad, which nets me about $1.50 per month, (twelve minutes at minimum wage). I'd earn more in an hour busking in the street like Amanda Palmer, doing stand-up comedy for tips. (See my one man show on the corner of 5th and Main titled, "No Really, I'm a Homeowner!") Most webcomics moved to Patreon for the bulk of their support, which is really online busking. Remember, before this I billed $80/hr, so I'm not doing this for money.
Why busk? Why not sell books? I currently have one print book and three ebooks in the Woohooligan store, and comic ebooks only really sell for a dollar. I love the sixty-five cents I see from that dollar after credit-card fees. You can read every page of my site and see a boat-load of ads, and the ad network (Google, etc.) pays me maybe a penny. So if you pledge just one dollar to my Patreon each month, the $0.65 I see increases your support of my work by more than a hundred-fold what I earn from ads. If we still want ramen, I need about $2,000 each month to replace my current disability income. So with a net $0.65 from each book, I need to sell 3,076 books per month, 103 per day, or one every fifteen minutes. I don't expect that, so those dollar ebooks alone will likely never support us. I've got to find other ways to supplement our income either with patron support, or by selling more expensive items like print books.
Yes, I left $80/hr to have a current monthly take-home (~$65) that's about what I'd earn in a single day at minimum wage. I didn't leave for money. You'd think I could work tech part-time, but no. My disability is thanks to an autism diagnosis in 2007. Because of that, work that I enjoy overtakes me like a Jeckyl and Hyde situation. Doctors call this blurse hyperfocus. I really never stopped working except for meals and sleep. That's not quite true, most days I didn't eat. People standing in the same room often call my name four to six times before rousing me from the fugue state that is me working. I lurch out of it like a trauma victim with a thousand-yard stare, groggy and irritated, unable to answer simple questions like "did you take your insulin?" Go away! Distraction bad! So I can't program part-time to supplement my income. The career I chose has to work, so I have to make marketing part of my comedy... I just threw up in my mouth a little.
I read all the marketing books and blogs I can. Most of the "information" in them is brain-dead stupid, useless to you personally, or both. You search Google and you find "10 Ways to Drive Traffic to Your Website." Great! Just what I need. The article begins, "Step 1: Make good content." Mind = blown! Why? You don't! Before this Einstein, I just had photos of used napkins. Hell, Twitter was nothing but lunch photos the first year. Thirty million tweets so I know you're not racked with guilt like me when you have an Arby's quarter-ton Beefenator. I can't wait to see step 2, "tell people", and step 3, "don't accidentally delete your website."
Getting back to free stuff, it's a truism in modern culture that if you're starting a business, you have to give people something they want for free. Professionals give people free consultations. Facebook and Twitter give us free accounts to share fake news and real cat videos with our friends. PornHub gives us free porn, but did you know they also give us free sex ed and free snow plowing in Boston? (Or they didn't, but it made you laugh, if only because "plow" is a double-entendre.)
I like giving people free things - free comics, free advice, free promotion. I certainly benefit from free things like Tyler James' ComixLaunch podcast or Russell Nohelty's Business of Art and Facebook group. (Russell just launched a new site, The Complete Creative.) They were more helpful than things I paid for. I bought a four-star marketing book on Amazon, it should be good, right? I'll save you twenty bucks; have a mailing list. Nothing else in 288 pages is what experts call "actionable", just shit you can read on any marketing blog like, "don't piss people off because Twitter." What would have been helpful is how to get signups on a mailing list, but that's like Baptist churches who asked PornHub to plow their back lot. The bar for marketing advice is so low, if your grandfather started a marketing blog tomorrow, he'd be Arby's VP of marketing in a week, and his number one tip for online success would be, "get off my lawn!" (There's no wi-fi there.) If you are a creative person and you'd like a book with some useful advice, here's my review of Russell Nohelty's Sell Your Soul.
But all these things we get for free aren't actually free, someone pays for all of them. Facebook and Twitter are funded by advertising. We don't consume their product, we ARE the product (and their execs talk about us like toasters). But that's not the only cost. On broadcast TV, Arby's hoped fans of Mister Ed liked sandwiches. Now that we have Internet, we know about the horse meat, and Arby's knows loads of creepy things about us, like whether we use coupons or carry a balance on our credit cards. Arby's pays more for Beefenator ads on Facebook because we're selling them our privacy. And as Adam Conover points out, you can opt out of Facebook, but good luck avoiding Google.
Shit like this is good reason to hate marketers because it's intrusive, impersonal, and manipulative. It's the reason I personally hate having to learn marketing. It's like an episode of the Twilight Zone where Disney World lets you into the park for free, but requires their guy Steve follow you throughout the park, scribbling notes and recommending giftshop items, Arby's Beefenator, and the Mustache ride. So yay, free Disney! Until you come back from the bathroom and Steve tells your mom the gift-shop has Pepto-Bismol. Thanks, Steve, it's nice to know you've got my back.
Since I don't have a choice but learn this stuff, I try to be decent about it. I choose to think of you as friends instead of a "target audience". I'm a real person on Facebook and Twitter (no bots, autoresponders or apps congratulating people for being my "top engaged followers"). I like chatting with you, without obsessing over your "engagement". (The word engagement should be reserved for situations involving a ring or enemy combatants.) I don't expect you to be in a fugue state waiting for my next tweet; fugue states are my job. I give mailing list subscribers a free copy of my first ebook, (signup below), though I'm not good about telling people that because I'm annoyed by promises of "must have tips for success" only after their mailing list signup. And I treat everyone the same, without stopping to ask, "is this person an influencer?"
I recently started introducing myself to people on social media. When someone sends me a friend request on Facebook or follows me on Twitter, I send them a brief message like this:
Hi Steve!
Thanks for the follow and for recommending the Mustache ride.
Let me know if I can help with any of your projects.
You may enjoy my new comedy manifesto, Laughter Is a Moral Imperative http://woohooligancomics.tumblr.com/manifesto
It's copied and pasted, but it's not an autoresponder. I tell webcomic creators that I also review webcomics. After I published the manifesto last month, I rifled my recent direct messages and shared it with as many people as I could. It's the pushiest thing I've done, but again, that article is totally free, it doesn't even link directly to anything I sell. I just think it can improve people's lives.
I've always enjoyed helping people. A drawing class at summer camp, unpaid articles for software journals, problem solving on mailing lists, being an Adobe Community Expert, sharing resources for managing depression. And I mentioned I also review webcomics, and write other articles to help creators, like Six Tips to Kickstarter Success, Six Ways to Earn More Commissions, and Six Reasons I Didn't Spell These Titles With Numerals. These are all free, just to help you out.
On a more philosophical note, we say the best things in life are free, but we often take the most important for granted, like privacy (see Facebook) and freedom of speech. Critics of the government in China and Russia are often jailed, beaten, or killed. If you're reading this in China or Russia, first let me congratulate you for getting past the censors (they never like my dick jokes). Second I will always fight for freedom of OMG look out behind you!
When I published a Je Suis Charlie cartoon in 2015, I was shocked how many people seemed confused about the importance of freedom of speech, as I mentioned online and in my first book. How often do you hear about the Freedom of Information Act, that helps protect our freedom of speech and uncovers a lot of great stuff like the FBI's hilariously out-of-touch Twitter slang dictionary?
Free hugs are... not always cool now that I think about it. Not from Steve the mustache guy. It reminds me that my dislike of ShamWow commercials can't be compared to old-world gatekeepers like Weinstein that you had to suck-up to because they controlled the purse-strings. Sorry to get serious on you, it's just an important subject that's on my mind, and I'll talk more about it with the next few pages of my Hellbent story. And speaking of freedom, I think the marketplace of ideas and crowdsourcing services like Kickstarter and Patreon are helping create a more open world with fewer of those sleazy gatekeepers, so it's good to see net neutrality is a freedom we rally around.
Finally there's time. There's no such thing as "free time", which implies what? "Lets hang out! Can't, I've got prison nine-to-five." You sholdn't think of your work that way. Self care is important, and the better part of self-care is creating a life you're not desperate to escape from, into a bubble-bath and a bottle of Chardonnay (or in our circles, Netflix, Jack Daniels, and a gallon of Häagen-Dazs Rocky Road). Nobody on their deathbed ever said, "I wish I had spent more time at the office", but do you think you'll say, "I wish I'd spent more me-time, chugging booze in the tub?"
Losses can be recouped, but there's no getting back the two hours you spent watching the Mario Brothers movie. (A brightly colored, whimsical game as imagined by the creators of Rain Man and the Killing Fields? Was Clive Barker unavailable?!) We have to make the most of our limited time to contribute to the world. I've made comedy for eleven years, but I didn't finally give up tech until I had cancer on my birthday two years ago. That was the second near-death experience on my birthday, following diabetes in 2013. I realized my best self wasn't the man-shaped cog asking people if they wanted fries with their website. Who knows what the next life-threatening birthday illness will inspire. Maybe I'll run for President, I hear the bar is pretty low. :P
I think any creative person will tell you, there are times when you feel frustrated by the cost of striving toward your better self. Times when I remember that none of my work has ever gone viral (not enough salt?) and the thousands of hours of comedy I've made feel unloved. While I know it's not a helpful emotion, I feel a little bitter about the effort it takes to get a handful of people to spend two minutes enjoying a comic strip I spent two days making for them. Because all this free entertainment we enjoy (and I'm not just talking about my work), is paid for with the precious time of the cartoonists and comedians who create it for us, and that's far more important than the money I've spent on advertising. That's why I share other creators' work as often as I can, because I can't afford to buy all their books, but I can tell them I appreciate them, and give them a little signal boost, or a little advice on their Kickstarter.
One day I'm thinking about how I avoid writing clickbait, but that it might get me that viral piece I've never had, if I could just roofie my principles for two damn minutes. And then I'm in a flame war with another artist because I used to post voting incentives on TopWebComics, and he says it's sleazy to put your work behind a pay wall or a voting screen. Well of course! No one pays to see Batman, or the Avengers, or Calvin and Hobbes, right?! It's totally unreasonable to expect two seconds of help from someone who enjoyed sixteen hours of my work for free. And we wonder why people don't value artists when some of us are so eager to devalue ourselves. I know I should have ignored him, but I couldn't let it go.
And then some goat sucker calls my comic work clickbait in the comments on my site while claiming he's trying to help. My first instinct is to release the Kraken, but I remember all the times I've shot myself in the foot that way and I try to calmly diffuse the situation. But he's like the squirrel in Ice Age and WON'T. LET. IT. GO. like it's the a sign of the end times that I don't take advice from an anonymous heckler like he's Spielberg. So I write another piece in frustration that becomes some of my best work and that's frustrating because I don't want an angry-ranter reputation.
When I'm feeling bitter about work and trying to avoid the stink of marketing, I remind myself that as expensive as my work is, it's a bargain compared to my previous career that only paid money. In 2007 I was a man-shaped cog that helped sell x number of cars (with or without fries). It's immeasurably more meaningful to write manifestos and essays like this, knowing that it will make lives better for friends like you. I can only say that because I choose to think of you as friends, not as a "target market" with a "cost to acquire" and a "lifetime value". I remind myself that I have no idea what my best work will be or who it will help. We shouldn't forget the best "free stuff" is ourselves. We're free to choose because we can never know the final destination.
So if you see me hawking books or promoting our Patreon, and you have that "eww, get away from me, pushy salesperson" reaction (like I do), please remember that I'm not out there giving people free comedy every day and helping other creators because I'm trying to sell books or get pledges. I'm trying to get pledges and sell books, so that I can keep laughing it forward, making people's lives better with more "free" comedy. I'm telling people about the free book on our mailing list to get more friends involved in our mission to bring laughter to the world.
I hope you'll consider being my boss and my friend, because there's nothing in the world I'd rather do than work for you. It’s a lot of work. It would be a lot easier for me to just focus on my books. But like I said, selling books chock-full o’ dick jokes is a side-effect.
I work in the service industry.
Now if my free stuff isn't your thing, I hope you do find what you're looking for.
Thank you for sharing yourself with us!
- Sam
P.S. If you believe that laughter is a moral imperative, get my first book for free, and share it with your friends!
Get Woohooligan Vol 1: Into Dorkness, Free!
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Ep. 15 - “Surprise! Everyone's a snake!” - Will
https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/164349795498/individual-immunity-6
I'm genuinely so sad that Emily left because she was probably one of the most genuine and nicest ones in the game, we were definitely on different sides after the Amanda G vote but she was never mean or anything. She easily would've won and I'm just hoping those two votes against me weren't any sort of warning... I wanna see how this next vote will turn out because this could be when Ruthie leaves and I need to make sure I can clear myself in case of a bitter jury. We'll see how this goes though.
My best plan here could be to do exactly what Ruthie did for me, go to her (if she doesn't win immunity) and say "If you have an idol, play it tonight - there's nothing I can do" because if I didn't have an idol and had gone home, I wouldn't have been mad at Ruthie at all, or at least if she had been trying to blindside me I wouldn't have known. That could backfire on me if she leaks it back to the others and they realize I'm playing both sides but... I won't know until I try. And I shouldn't worry about it too much until the challenge is over.
I feel so bad for Emily, she is the true robbed queen of this season and she should have won this game. Voting out people who honestly deserve to win is the hardest part of this game.
I'm so fucking naive. 4 hours of sleep does not, in fact, make the fact that everyone lied to you go down any fucking easier. Just....Emily didn't say “jump” and I didn't respond with “how high?!?!” Jesus fuckingn Christ but that's what people thought of me. Guess I really was just sucking on her teat all along. Big hearty shout out to Michael for leaving that in everyone's mind. Sure we joked about his last words but they didn't not make an impression ffs. You'll get your full video confessional when I'm in the states but until then just have this because it's a pretty good summary of what getting blindsided and lied to by the only people you trusted feels like. (Also, gimme an OTT edit if you must this round idgaf. If I go off enough in the video maybe there will be some good lines from it. Who knows) http://jaxxgarcia.tumblr.com/post/159167820182/when-he-plays-u-and-u-feel-like-a-clown
I've been just following whatever my main alliances says way too much. Well, fuck that. My strategy discussing votes with others was to just let them talk and I'd agree or direct them to something. It all feels way too passive and in fucking done with that. Being lied to by literally everyone really makes you reevaluate how you've been playing the game.
So my game might be about to take a drastic turn! I came into this game knowing i wanted to play with Amanda. But ive been basically rolling with her this whole time and I've been with her 100% for every vote weve been on. But since Emily left and Francie came to her realization that everyone thought of her as Emilys goat that I realized that I am essentially Amandas goat. It's no fault of hers, its just been me not being a strategic player, which I never have been. I get by on social game and admittedly that has been sub par this game. So the only conceivable way I could win is if Will and Amanda go home. I feel terrible but me and Francie can only win against each other and Ruthie or Ali. deep sigh. i adore amanda with my entire heart and she deserves to win this game, but if she gets to the end she wins 100% and I cant in good conscience let Francie go to the end with her without trying to get her a win.
me, two hours ago: I am SO fucking pissed about this blindside I'm forgiving no one.
me now: I've eaten, had time to think about this logically, I'm calmer and I feel like I've been involved in more gameplay discussion today than I have been all trip.
Francie literally hasn't spoken more than 5 words in PMs to me this entire game and now after she's been blindsided she's gonna sneak up into my messages saying we should talk I just... what's the point? Unless if you're gonna provide me concrete, clear facts and quotes telling me that my allies are sneakier snakes than Russel Hantz I don't want to buy what you're selling. Period.
Tbh the worst part about it being down to the final 6 is that there's literally nobody to talk to anymore since Abbey/Amanda aren't online and we usually only talk strategy/memes, Ali is (I love you but) impossible to talk to for more than five minutes, I've barely ever spoken to Francie until now, and Ruthie's just like such a pure queen but I need someone in this game who doesn't want to talk about the game for like five seconds like is it over is it done yet
https://youtu.be/5d3dUxIrntQ
Here's how it would go for me ideally: we 3-2-1 with Francie being the target, and Ruthie being the 2 so in case of Francie playing an idol then Ruthie goes home and I can be 100% absolved of any blame. Then at F5, depending on who wins immunity, of course, we vote out Ruthie and I play the "there's nothing I can do!" card and hopefully it doesn't blow up in my face and worst case scenario Ruthie blows things up but doesn't ruin my game since she'll be more nervous about the girls than about me. THEN at F4, unless Ali pulls a miracle and wins, we unanimously send him home. In the case of him winning, the girls will probably turn on me but I'm sure I can convince Ali to stick with me since he thinks we're in such a tight alliance, so what'll happen is a firemaking between me and one of the girls which could screw me over but... it's a 1 in 4 chance of us losing final immunity and it better not fucking happen. Anyways I see my path to FTC very clearly right now and I'm going to win this shit.
https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/164385869108/individual-immunity-6-results-with-5-correct
Currently I'm feeling like I'm Amanda Lynn's goat so.... she's gotta go when she doesn't have immunity. Will has been my number one throughout this entire game and it sounds like he's trying to turn on me after getting off a call with Amanda Lynn so hmmm interesting we'll see about that. We're at a place now when it's every survivor for themselves and if I'm playing it smart the best options for me to sit beside at the end are Ali and Francie, bless their hearts. I mean yes they will both probably still beat me but I think I could make a good case next to either of them whereas Amanda would win- she's social, strategic and has made most of the moves in the game, Will is super strategic and would win and then we have Abbey who I think would win also, she's strategic too.
I don't know what I'm going to do but we'll see soon.
https://youtu.be/T9oCLchv-3U
EXTRA DETAIL: Here were Emily’s thoughts after her conference with Amanda
I just ended a call with Amanda Lynn and I am so happy that girl was the one that won the call!!! I wouldn't have been able to say as much to anyone else. I'm pulling for her to win. And I'm so happy she cleared up my tribal and told me that Francie was in the dark. That was the only thing about my tribal that I didn't like... that I didn't know who voted with me, though I was 90% sure it was Francie before the call. I was completely honest with Amanda Lynn, I told her all the stuff I told Ali before I left as a last ditch effort to save myself, and I told her that I told Ali to talk to Francie should I leave that night. She won the immunity and I am so happy!!! She also told me that Ali was the one that had the idol UM WHAT!!! I was shooketh! And he's using it this tribal because, you know, it's his last opportunity. I think it would be most beneficial for Amanda Lynn's game if the idol was played on Abbey tonight just to ensure that she has Ali and Abbey with her in final five. I need Amanda Lynn to win all of these next few immunities because I don't want to give my vote to anyone else!!! The girl deserves it. Also I told her I was gunning for her should I have stayed another round, and she laughed and told me she's glad she got me out when she did. She was genuine about the Gal Pals final four up until I proved to be a very worthy competitor, and I really respect her game for taking me out. She told me it was so hard, especially because I kept saying how nervous I was all day. Which means my guilt tripping WORKED........ sort of. I still got voted out. But at least they felt bad. Ugh, but I really hope the best for that girl. I told her pretty much everything about these past few rounds and how I was in an alliance with the INFPs and how the "friend" I was referring to in my competition confessional (#2) was Bryce. I hope that we can be friends after this game. I think she's such a sweet girl and I admire her gameplay. I was an Amanda Lynn stan before this call, but now I'm her NUMBER ONE stan. Team Amanda Lynn!!! If I can't win, I want her to win. She has such a good read on the game and I trust that she'll make the best moves for her to get her to FTC. I'm nervous because if she doesn't win immunity, she might get booted like I did. She has a target and she's an obvious winner. We both agreed that we knew the winner would either be her or myself. I think I have acknowledged some mistakes that I made in this game and I will use them to better my future games! I'm really thankful Amanda Lynn decided to call me and talk through everything. Especially because I got to write another confessional. Yay! But I think I've said nearly all I wanted to say... So, farewell, confessionals. It was nice getting to write you. <3
I kinda regret not playing the idol on emily but like I kinda don't either it just adds to my survivor resume I feel like people don't see me much as a threat which is a really good thing because they have a long way coming, Amanda is running this game she tells me to do everything and I feel like I'm being used on top of that she's shady I mean she's a good person and I like her but she's way to much of a treath if she finds out I'm a threat she's gonna vote me off so my plan? Vote off her little sidekick Abby ;) I hope I don't dig my self into another hole I have an idol but I need to be slick and I wanna play the idol on will so it will be a 3-0 vote or a 2-0 vote I'm ready for these fireworks to erupt everywhere also I'm searching for a new job and at Orlando so sorry if I can't make live tribals but yassss I hope abbey leaves and then we can blindside Amanda Lynn and then will final 3 with myself Ruthie and Francie :) I'm so ready I'm shaking in my boots
Okay so trying to pick up where I left off in my last confessional. I've been thinking a lot about what Emily told me in our conference call. She seemed genuine when she told me she was rooting for me. But I can't help but wonder if she was telling me some things to get me to get Francie to the end so she can rally votes for her. idk I'm gonna try to not worry about that right now My main focus is getting me and Abbey as far as we can go together..
I'm still a little worried about Francie not trusting me. We had a conversation this morning and she said, "I won't lie, its a little harder now, but I still trust you." So I'm at least glad for her honesty, and I'm gonna do whatever I can to get her to trust me. I told her about Will's 3-2-1 plan in case of the idol. There isn't much else I can tell her expect that I know where the idol is, and I can't tell her that right now because I need Ali to truly believe I didn't tell anyone about the idol so he does what I want him to do with it.
"What do you want him to do with the idol, Amanda?" Well, it's simple, kids: I want him to play the idol on Abbey. After talking with Emily, I feel like the others are going to try and take a shot at Abbey because she is my right hand man, my Alexander Hamilton, if you will. And since they can't get me right now because I'm immune, they will try to go after her. I'm trying to get Ali to believe that me, him, and Abbey are a tight 3, and after tonight, we will have majority and can do whatever we want. But, we all need to get there. I told him that nobody has mentioned his name ever. Nobody is trying to target him, so if he plays his idol on himself, the jury could see it as a waste. But if he plays it on Abbey, the jury could see it as a big move (Something he is severely lacking in this game, minus the Amanda G vote). And he... agreed.... He said he was going to play his idol on Abbey. What? Is this real life? Did I actually convince him to do that? I guess I'll find out tonight at tribal. But if he truly does... then whew.... I will be shook at myself. Hopefully tonight goes as planned and Will goes home. Hopefully...
Oh come on like - duh, of COURSE I've heard about the vote what makes you think I wouldn't have heard about the vote by now there's literally 6 people left in this game
Surprise! Everyone's a snake and turns out that when I make f3 deals with people I need to be more careful! Ruthie is really the only real one left in this game huh?
Here's some tea, I let it slip to Will about what Amanda told me and now the three of them are in for a wee bit of trouble hehe. The smartest moves now are to get out Abbey then get out Amanda or Will who wasn't going to tell me about the 3-2-1 vote. Ali and I can pit them against each other and hopefully he, me and Francie can sail to the end!
Anyway Ruthie is just as bad as Ashley and cant keep her mouth shut and Ali is a snake and I'm screwed either way bc I highkey dont think Francie is actually going to vote with me but I can't wait to be voted out next round. Thank you, Will and Ali, for making me cry for the first time this game.
I really almost got played but I may have just Michele'd my way into having the best social game of all these snakes. I really have people willing to put their own games on the line and tell me that I'm the target? Like...nut? What did I do to get in this kind of game position? Sure Amanda thinks I can't separate the game from reality but like maybe that's what happens when you pull someone so deep into a promise you never intended to keep? It's just funny how people will yell that IT'S JUST A GAME but not be able to see it for themselves. I mean I know I'm not going home tonight but still, wowwwwwwww!!!
everything fell apart, amanda is crying, will is being mean and i wanna take a nap. the girls r voting for ruthie i guess ali might be idoling will idk its a big mess. everyone is sad and mad or oblivious (ali). An hour ago i was ready to be the bitter juror but now im gonna be the apathetic juror bc im just so fucking tired of all this bullshit deep fucking sigh
Pre-Tribal: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B7aU3uBdz8F2bkdvNDBYR1hOZDQ/view?usp=sharing
Post-Tribal: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B7aU3uBdz8F2X3JCQjV3NV8xbWs/view?usp=sharing
Also what I forgot to mention at the end of it was that we changed our vote from Will to Ruthie because she was running her mouth to Will and that's what started the shit that went down before tribal
NOTE: These confessionals are both discussing the events pre-tribal, it just so happened that tribal interrupted the confessional. Francie has a separate confessional coming in the following episodes discussing the rocks
https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/164424815603/tribal-15-abbey-and-ruthie-tied-3-3-revote-tied
LAST WORDS: This game has been amazing honestly I never thought I would've made it this far if I had pulled that move off I would've won the game I swear it to you but it's all good I hope I get to play again. :)
Ali T becomes the seventh member of our jury, and the first person rocked out of Survivor Athena: Azores (sixth place)
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[1:28:24 AM] BabaShook™: (:
[1:51:54 AM] Brown-Sugar Daddy™: dude whatever happened to this max and tray draw u were working on
[1:57:29 AM] BabaShook™: HAHA SEE ABOUT THAT
[1:57:30 AM] BabaShook™: i was
[1:57:36 AM] BabaShook™: i was thinking abt that recently
[1:57:39 AM] BabaShook™: n i kinda
[1:57:47 AM] BabaShook™: scrapped it i think
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#14,000.
15 March 2017
Saying it kind of kills the purpose of being anonymous, but I attended an addicts anonymous meeting last night; the first time in close to two years, actually. Back then, I attended these things in an attempt to kick my lean addiction; so being roughly two years sober, I didn’t really know why I decided to go back. Honestly, I didn’t really stick with it the last time I tried. going to like five meetings before getting bored and deciding to just get over my addiction by myself (big surprise, right?). Plus, outside of the once in a blue moon puff puff pass, I don’t partake in any drug use anymore (unless you count alcohol consumption).
Anyways, back to the story. So I decided to go to this meeting I found on a random flier, partly because I was bored, and partly because I have been pretty pissed for a week now and lacked an outlet. I also began to feel like I was beginning to regress after working so hard keeping the negative at bay.
The amount and variety of people at the AA meeting surprised me. Usually these get togethers consist of about five or six middle-aged people including the moderator, but this meeting was a solid 20 people of all sorts of backgrounds.
So one by one, each person contributed their addiction, how long they’ve been under control, gave their sob story, and stated their goals for the future. Eventually, the little speaker totem thing they used got passed to me, and I honestly was kind of a dick about it, because I wasn’t ready. I warned them that I generally ramble and routinely go on tangents, but they all still encouraged me to participate.
I told everyone I was a former drug addict, joking about possibly being a sex addict, and told them I didn’t know why I decided to attend because I felt like I couldn’t be considered an addict anymore.
But that’s when the moderator interjected, saying that I did the right thing coming to the meeting. She added that addiction isn’t always what it appears on the surface, where external forces turn you into an addict. The potential for addiction is ingrained into our personalities as well. You can become addicted to tangible things, such as drugs, food, or money; but what people don’t realize is that you can become addicted to the intangible, such as love, acknowledgment, or hate, to name a few. To some degree, we are all addicts. Harmful or not, we all have something we’re addicted to.
The moderator also noticed that something was clearly weighing me down, and encouraged me to allow the group to lift it off my shoulders. I was hesitant to tell my story to a group of strangers, But the more I resisted, the more I was subject to insistent badgering. So I caved and vented to a bunch of strangers.
And it felt good.
I came into the meeting feeling skeptical about how much it would help, and left with the realization that the void within myself still hasn’t gone away. I constantly try to fill it by whatever means necessary, whether it be the tangible or intangible, and thus find myself caught in the same damn cycle over and over again. A cycle of opening myself up only to shattered into a million pieces. And the longer I stay stuck in this cycle, the more likely it is that I keep sinking further into my old ways.
And for the first time in a long time, I actually feel scared.
I feel scared that I’ll sink to the point of drowning again, and that this time, there won’t be a lifeline that comes down to save me.
Look, I exaggerate a little about how bad of a person I used to be, but I wasn’t exactly a saint. I was cold-hearted, distant, and dark. I was numb to everything around me, and cared not for the people in my life. But for the past two years, I dug myself out of that hole, maturing and changing for the better. For the first time in a lon time, I was happy, and I made strides that I truly am proud of myself for. The difference between the person I am now compared to who I was back then is staggering.
And that’s why I’m scared. Because I don’t think I have it in me to keep doing this. I can’t keep being a good person, opening up, subsequently losing control of myself, and having it blow up in my face. I don’t mean to quote OTH, but for whatever reason, people always leave. It’s been a recurring theme since I was a toddler in preschool, and at a certain point, I do wonder if it’s me that is the problem.
So that’s why I feel like I’m done resisting the temptation to go back to my old lifestyle. Maybe it’s easier this way. Being slow to trust, not allowing myself to feel connected to another person. It doesn’t hurt, and I don’t lose pieces of myself. It doesn't get you stabbed in the back. Or leave you heartbroken. Or make you feel like you don't matter. Being cold-hearted is numbing, but at least it doesn't make you feel like shit whenever things don't work out. So maybe it’s just better to just be alone.
And I know what people will say. “Just be patient.” “There’s always another one.” “Things will work themselves out." "You’re young.” But nobody gets it. They just spew out bullshit like it's so easy to fix.
A lot of people my age say this, but I believe I’ve experienced at least half a lifetime in my 25 years on this planet. I’ve been through more in the last decade alone than many people ten years my senior have their whole lifetime. There is only so much a person can endure mentally, emotionally, and physically over a span of time, and I feel like I have been overloaded for years. So when people try to give me their “advice” (majority of the time it’s never a revelation), it’s hard not to think of it as thoughtless.
So.. I really don’t know how to end this thing. I really just rambled on without any real direction. In summary, going to the AA meeting helped me traverse the ravine of my mind, helping me understand what I am, and what direction I am likely meant for… if that makes any sense. I know towards the end it got all negative Nancy for a second there, but honestly after being able to vent to strangers, and writing everything out, I do feel cleansed and refreshed. I’ve made great strides over the past two years, and I’ve 1/ never been one to quit, especially on myself, and 2/ won’t let a setback be an excuse to regress back into my old ways just because it’s the easy way out.
I’m not a fucking pussy. Life can keep throwing its fucking haymakers at me, and I’m going to keep doing what I’ve always done: get up form off the mat, pick up the pieces, and keep fighting.
Anyways, I felt like that was a good place to end it. I’m not even going to read this shit over or edit it. It is what it is, so deal with it. Guten nacht, Tumblr.
Your favorite motherfucker,
KP.
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