#ive never wanted the internet to be wrong so badly before | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

molluskzone · 5 months

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i wish the people making whiny posts demanding reblogs from people just admitted to themselves that no, its not about "reach," its about Big Number Feels Good. because if you allowed yourself to confront the fact that you ARE a number chaser then youd have a much better chance at fixing it. and you HAVE to fix it if you want your art output to remain sustainable. numbers will NOT make you satisfied never ever especially not on modern social media. and no its not "just big accounts who dont get it" who know this: the MOST followers ive had on ANY art account of mine since 2014 is 600. and i got maybe 40 likes per post and a handful of comments. thats the best i did in 10 years online and i reached that point in like 2016. haven't gotten near that level of "popularity" since that year because the game changed and i was unwilling to change what *I* wanted to do to please an algorithm.

i understand WANTING people to care about your art. i think itd be weird if someone DIDNT want people to care (at least, out of the people posting their art publicly). but lashing out at the audience not only will NOT get you what you want but it also reflects REALLY badly on you and just makes you sound annoying, mean, and bitter. i honestly hate this and this is the main reason i block people, i have unfollowed people for even just reblogging particularly nasty posts because it rubs me the wrong way SO bad

"people dont reblog because theyre all new users who are too stupid to use the site! you NEED to reblog its just how the site works if you dont like it dont come here" its not up to you to decide what people do on their OWN blogs. people have been complaining about this since at least 2015, and honestly likely before that too (thats just the first time i remember seeing it firsthand). its NOT the "fault" of new users. if people arent reblogging your work... ITS BECAUSE THEY DO NOT WANT IT ON THEIR BLOG. this is not a crime. some people just dont reblog everything they see: and if people DID truly reblog every post they saw (which by these posters logic they SHOULD be doing if they Really care about creators), their accounts would be so cluttered the "reach" wouldn't matter anyways. if they have a blog centered around their OWN work, their followers might bail if all they do is reblog random peoples work they didn't agree to see. THIS IS A VALID AND NORMAL WAY TO USE THIS SITE. i've also seen people suggest making a "reblog dumping blog" so you can give number-crazed artists their precious internet points without reblogging something to your main that you don't want to. this is a genuinely stupid suggestion. again, if the point of reblogs is "for reach," then WHAT purpose would a dumping blog have. nobody is going to follow the dumping blog of the average tumblr user. it wouldn't "reach" ANYbody but the op. not only is this pointless but its also STILL trying to control the actions of random internet users who are causing no harm and just trying to use the website as they please: this is ridiculous and entitled behavior.

"its an INSULT to like a post and not reblog it. youre basically telling the artist their work is shit to their face!" / "likes are useless!" honestly i do not have any sympathy for people who say shit like this because it's just so fucking number-greedy i dont even know what to say. like i said before, there are many reasons a person might not reblog something. its entitled as HELL to demand people do with their blogs what YOU want them to. but to say that likes are useless, or worse than useless? absolutely ridiculous. god forbid people want to express appreciation of a piece even if they dont want to reblog it. i would personally MUCH rather get 20 likes and 0 reblogs on a piece than 0 likes and 0 reblogs. again, targeting and being rude to people trying to express appreciation for your work in simple ways because YOU have a problem with being focused on numbers and because YOU are *choosing* to take it personally is inexcusable

"if you like but dont reblog i will block you! you dont care about artists" perhaps the reason you dont get "enough" attention on your posts is because you are alienating any potential audience by trying to control their use of SITE-WIDE functions. the like button is part of tumblr, it is so weird to me to block people who use it. if you want to block people that is your business but i genuinely dont understand why youre blocking potential followers and people who enjoy your art enough to WANT to click the like button if your goal is to grow your account. you don't have a right to complain about lack of attention if you do this is all i'm saying

"im leaving the site because YOU didnt reblog my work enough! im QUITTING ART FOREVER because nobody reblogged it so if youre reading this its YOUR fault! if artists leave the site its YOUR fault. if you dont reblog work THINK about what youve done. artists are quitting and its ALL YOUR FAULT" this is immature guilt tripping and it boggles my mind that grown adults will make posts like these. i have seen many! if you quit art because you didnt get enough reblogs, that's your own problem. it's probably for the best because focusing on numbers so much that your entire motivation for creating is based around numbers is unhealthy and unsustainable anyways. ill give you a fun fact: the numbers will NEVER be enough if that's all youre focusing on. and even if you get to your "goal", it will NOT be forever. the internet isn't even forever and your social media site could be shut down at any time. you need to find other motivations. and again, this is ANOTHER example of alienating your potential audience: if you care about growth, stop trying to manipulate your audience! stop blaming your audience for your personal problems! if you want to quit, just quit. it's not your audience's fault.

basically: no it's not "reach" or "mutual artist support" you just want numbers. numbers feel good so you want them! admit this. there is no other reason you would feel THIS agitated and aggressive over reblogs. and i have seen some REALLY nasty posts before. it's an unhealthy mindset that it would do you good to unlearn. and honestly: im going to call you a hypocrite if you make ANY posts like this. because there is NO WAY that you as an artist are reblogging every piece of art you see. there is just no way. youre reblogging art that you like enough to share with others. and that is simply not every art piece you see. if you understand this for yourself, then you NEED to accept that this is the case for others: people are not reblogging your work because they do not want to. we all know what the reblog button does. we can all figure out that clicking reblog shares the post with all of your followers and gives the post more chances to be seen and reblogged again and again. WE KNOW. if people arent reblogging your work then they just don't want to. accept it! you need to deal with the fact that not everybody likes your art! work on yourself instead of demanding that others cater to your ego.

there is no problem with asking for reblogs. there is no problem with wanting to grow your account. there is no problem in letting people know why reblogs help artists. there is no problem in encouraging people to comment on or like your work. there IS a problem with being rude and entitled about it though

and for artists whos jobs rely on internet attention: you still don't have a pass to behave this way sorryyy... i understand being numbers-focused if you rely on commission work or ad work. but lashing out at others is STILL never okay even if your income relies on it. if you cannot game the algorithm, that is NOT your audience's fault. you have to learn to play the system if you want to make posting online your job, and if you CANT do this (like so many cant), it is not fair to blame it on the people supporting you for "not doing enough". it is nobody's obligation to make your living for you! if you cant convince people to reblog your work and spread your work based off of the content of your posts, that's a YOU problem. people share what they want to see: if your income relies on shares. make what people want to see. and even then it might not work because of how social media algorithms work. this is the risk you take being an online artists and its NEVER your followers fault for not doing enough.

anyways if u like my work i <3 you if you reblog my work i <3 you i never expect notes on my art so any attention i get is much appreciated and i treasure every compliment i get SO much that i screenshot them all and put them in a google folder so i can look at them forever and ever <3

#long post #my post

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olderthannetfic · 3 years

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[Is the end nigh anon]

I never actually got around to trying discord until recently, mostly because i had a feeling it wouldnt work for me. But then i saw that post of yours about the emergence of ao3 and went to #8(/#9 im sorry)’s blog and found all these guides to set up your own site, encouraging you to learn html and lean into the small web. And ive started trying to learn, but in the meantime i figured id give discord a try as well, since that seems pretty similar to the closed groups of LJ and ye ol internet even before.

And boy oh boy is it not for me. Maybe i just stumbled upon the wrong places but… theres always this “in” feel to them, which of course there would be, theyre basically huge whatsapp groupchats, but with people i dont know. I barely have the energy to be active on groupchats with friends i know and love and know irl and have a history with, i definitely cant be active enough to remain “in the know” in a discord server. This duscussion thread format requires so much energy, and im more of a lurker. I send asks and add onto my reblogs sometimes and stuff like that, but definitely am not in any circles where fandom is conducted privately and nor would i have the energy to be.

Having to use that kind of format as main fandom-format would take it out of me so badly… i understand that with users being the products and the constant exposure, it does seem natural to seek out more closed private places. But i honestly feel discord is not the place for it, at least to me. Everything moves way too fast and the cliques are the last nail for me. If i was interested in social hierarchy i wouldve stayed on instagram. The fact that tumblr is as anonymous as you want it to be and has no follower/likes chasing is the main reason why i love it (besides the familiarity and everything). I understand this is not everyone’s experience, but my dash is curated to death, i never see any bullshit, so to me this space does feel intimate and cozy as well (i guess without chatrooms, but i dont really feel that loss) and im a strong beliver in blocking.

I feel like discord is too careless and borne of modern understanding of internet social spaces, if that makes sense. I feel like closed, more private formats of interacting with fandom would also require more “care”? For example, having your own site, maintaining it, modifing it, lovingly adding to the content, the layout, eveything, theres this “tending to” vibe, which i feel encourages bringing in this vibe into fandom interactions themselves, as opposed to the fast, impossible to catch up with, catty or careless vibe of discord. Yea, the internet goes at breakneck speed and were just along for the ride, but at least in a public space like tumblr that feels manageable.

I do think that to thrive fandom requires being able to take a break without having to suffer the cost of being left behind. And sure, i guess that would work if your server is with people youre friends with, but how often does that happen and how lucky would you have to be.

Feel free to take any and all of my run on sentances as questions, this ended up being ranty.

I don't think it's entirely luck, but yes, making discord not be like what you describe does require a very particular kind of group and management.

The biggest thing I've seen, historically, in platform changes is that the people who make spaces or who are the sparkly, obvious people other people trail behind are fine. They go make a new place.

But the rest of the population may or may not be able to follow. It's not always exclusion from a private discord or anything. Often, it's more like the LJ-->Tumblr move. A lot of people were left behind because it's simply too visual here.

Different formats appeal to different types. I've come to enjoy tumblr, but it was quite unpleasant at first.

One reality of fandom is that there is always social hierarchy. People have asked me "Why do you reblog so-and-so so much???" and the answer is generally two things: 1. that person literally sends me their posts (which requires a certain level of bravery or chutzpah) and/or 2. I know them (from cons, from LJ in 2005, from them sending me private chat messages a lot, from them being highly visibly active like I am over a long period of time, etc.). The times we think there isn't social hierarchy are when either we are the one in the clique or those invisible ties between other users are not perceptible.

But scratch the surface--by having to move platforms, for example--and all kinds of social connections and fault lines will show.

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azucanela · 3 years

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chapter iv

pairing: bakugou katsuki x fem!reader

summary: the internet is enamored with the idea of y/n l/n and bakugou katsuki, two renowned pro heroes, dating. the first issue? the pair rarely interacts. the second issue? apparently, they hate each other, not that anyone knows about that bit. of course, after one night of many mistakes, the whole world knows.

warnings: mentions of blood. violence. injuries. cursing.

word count: 2k

[series masterlist] [wattpad] [ao3]

THIS HAS TO BE A DREAM. Y/N really doesn’t want to be dealing with this right now, this is literally the last thing she wants to be dealing with right now. She has half the mind to just disappear into the shadows using Telen’s quirk, seeing as she hadn’t returned it yet.

‘Returned’ probably isn’t the best way to put it, after all he can still use his quirk but… she’s never really had a different way to explain it. But, Y/N is capable of using his quirk until she’s returned it to him, meaning his pain is hers and so is his quirk for the time being. Not that it matters right now, because she’s currently staring down Bakugou, who looks just as shocked as she does.

“What are you doing here?” She finally asks, scowling.

In response, Bakugou is rolling his eyes, allowing the door to shut behind him. “You don’t own this café,” he grumbles out.

That was actually incorrect, Y/N had bought the set of buildings on this street to make sure that the café wouldn’t go out of business, she was sentimental in that manner Meaning she technically had authorization to kick him out, something Bakugou seems to catch onto as his eyes narrow at her, “of course you do.”

Y/N scoffs, looking away from him, “only legally. I have too much respect for Rosalyn to tell her what to do with her business.” She waves him off, “they’re getting something from the back, you’ll have to wait.” Y/N finds that she’s wishing she had a little bit less respect for Rosalyn, because maybe then she would have the guts to kick Bakugou out.

Bakugou says nothing, simply eyeing Y/N as he moves to grab a bag of chips from the stand, awkwardly standing by the cash register he waited for them to return. Of course, Y/N had a feeling they wouldn’t be returning anytime soon at this point. She wouldn’t be shocked if Lily had done something to make this happen, all to torture Y/N.

Although Lorelai might consider this the perfect time to apologize, Y/N finds it her personal hell. And she’s fairly sure Bakugou has the same sentiments as she begins to tap her foot rhythmically against the floor. The space is silent aside from that, and Y/N almost wishes a stranger would come in and end her misery.

A sudden pain courses through her, and Y/N’s brows furrow as her mouth gapes open slightly, hand coming to her stomach, though her thoughts are interrupted as Bakugou snaps, “could you quit tapping your damn foot?”

And Y/N does stop, but not because he asked, instead to say, “you can always leave.” There’s a sarcastic smile on her face as she glances at him, preparing to continue tapping her foot despite the throbbing that had appeared in her leg as well.

If Y/N had to guess, something had happened to Telen. But that wasn’t necessarily out of the ordinary in hero work, and given how high profile Hawks’ agency was, they had a healer on call. She had no doubt that whatever injury he’d somehow sustained, he would be fine. And yet, Y/N can’t help the frown that washes over her, a certain fear and anxiety that definitely doesn’t belong to her suddenly drowning her senses.

Y/N is about to make a phone call when she hears Bakugou, “you’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

She’s about to make some sort of witty comment in response, only to see that he’s looking outside, where the presence of paparazzi has become apparent. Though they hadn’t started their mobs yet, any trained Pro Hero was well aware when they were being followed. Despite attempts to hide, Y/N could easily see that there were several people hidden throughout the area, trying to catch pictures of the famed Y/N L/N and Bakugou Katsuki together.

They were probably hoping the pair would start arguing, maybe even get into a physical fight knowing Bakugou. Though, if that did happen, Y/N was fairly sure Lorelai would have her head.

That and the fact that the shippers on Twitter were going to love this. But Y/N certainly wasn’t, scoffing as she came to a stand, “did they follow you here?” Her tone is accusatory, she knows that. But if Y/N is honest, she has no shame being upfront about her emotions with Bakugou, not anymore.

He glares at her once more in response, placing his order down more roughly than necessary, “obviously not. If anything it was you they followed here.”

Y/N comes to a stand, inhaling deeply as she reminds herself that she and Bakugou are currently the stars of the show that is the media. Everyone who's anyone, and anybody that’s a nobody wants to bear witness to their interactions if it means advancing their career. And Y/N has no intent of further damaging her reputation, or giving the media the easy way out.

Though she wouldn’t mind putting an additional dent in Bakugou’s already horrid reputation, there were bigger things than that. And at the end of the day, they were stuck together for the time being, until things died down that is.

So, Y/N finds herself heading over to the counter with her items in hand– discarding them behind the register to make sure that Lily would hold onto them for her— before looking to Bakugou, “we need to leave, now.”

Bakugou is frowning, eyes falling on his order, but he simply nods as he returns his gaze to Y/N, “and how do you suppose we do that?”

While she’s grateful he elected not to argue— probably because he’s well-aware of his own dwindling reputation and wants to salvage whatever he can, like the selfish bastard he is— Y/N finds herself narrowing her eyes at him, simply turning around and gesturing for him to follow her, “come with me.”

“What, we can’t just go out the front door?”

She’s not shocked by his proposition, though Y/N is also aware that Bakugou isn’t a fool. He may be impulsive at times, and extremely confrontational to a fault, but he was not an idiot. Even if he seemed to be just some annoying brute.

Y/N glances back at Bakugou, looking to him incredulously, “the moment we step outside, we will be bombarded with questions.” A bitter laugh escapes her, “and we both know how you’ll probably respond to that.”

“Oh so this is my fault?” He asks, taking a few steps closer.

Bringing a hand to her temple, Y/N looks up to him, “we don’t have time for this.” Comes her response, “either you come with me, or I leave without you.”

With that, Y/N turns on her heel, hand shoved into her pocket as she pulls out a set of keys and begins to flip through them in search of the right one. She can feel Bakugou’s eyes on her as she finally finds the right key, the one that leads to the hallway behind the second staff door. Most people don't have access because if you take a wrong turn you’ll end up in the studio apartment of the owners. But, if you continue down the hallway, there’s an exit into the alleyway that Y/N intended to take.

Finally, she pushes the door open. Y/N doesn’t bother to look back as she steps inside the hallway, dimly lit, in fact some of the lights are even flickering. But she can see the bright red ‘EXIT’ sign not too far away.

Y/N doesn’t hear the door click shut, and with a sigh she turns back to see Bakugou had planted his foot in the door, kicking it open while his hands remained shoved into his pockets. Wordlessly, he stepped inside, and Y/N simply returned her gaze to the exit.

Until another spike of pain coursed through her. Her steps falter, though Y/N manages to catch herself on the wall, hand planted firmly there as she inhales deeply.

To be fair, the average person would’ve passed out from the pain by now, and Y/N didn’t have her hero suit to help cushion the blows of pain nor was she necessarily prepared for sudden pain— she wasn’t in battle. Though her pain tolerance is high enough that it's manageable.

Bakugou seems to notice, no— he definitely notices. Looking to her pensively as he pauses behind her, Y/N doesn’t want to meet his eyes as she huffs, pushing off the wall. “Let’s go.”

He says nothing, and Y/N is grateful as they continue down the hall.

It’s a short walk to the actual exit, but Y/N’s head is pounding so she doesn’t really notice anything out of the ordinary until Bakugou’s arm comes to stop her. She bumps into it, frowning as she looks up to him ready to speak in protest, to yell at him for touching her— though there's no skin to skin contact so she doesn’t really have much to worry about yet.

Until she realizes blood is coming from under the door. Evidently, she had a lot to worry about.

Y/N looks up to Bakugou, offering him a nod that he returns. A silent communication between the pair which brings Bakugou to press his separate hand against the door, brows drawing together before he rapidly pushes the door open and the pair steps out into the alley.

And there lies the body of Pro Hero Telen. Y/N recognizes him instantly, and it makes sense given how badly her body is throbbing with pain.

Her mouth gapes open, but Y/N is no fool as her back meets Bakugou’s, each of them surveying the area for the hero’s attacker.

But there’s no one to be found.

Y/N looks back to Bakugou, who simply nods, prompting Y/N to drop to her knees despite the blood that begins to seep through her clothes. Eyes falling on Telen as a hand comes to his chest. Nobody has ever died while Y/N was using their power, and if Y/N had to guess, Telen was still alive. There was no need for her to check for a pulse, simple as that.

“He’s alive. Call for backup.”

When Bakugou doesn’t reply, Y/N turns, and she can see the explosions sparking in his palms but there are no enemies nearby. But Y/N recognizes the look on his face, the frustration, the anger. But he’s not angry with anyone other than himself right now.

“Bakugou.” She repeats, an attempt to pull him out of his thoughts. They don’t have time to be distracted right now. While the attacker clearly isn’t around right now, there was a possibility he’d return. Not that Y/N was too worried, if they had any sense of bloodlust, she’d notice them.

He inhales sharply, simply nodding stiffly once more before pulling out his phone. But all Bakugou can think about is the fact that the Stain Copycat was here, and they’d targeted a member of Hawks’ Agency. The Number 2 Hero. Which meant whoever it was, they were getting bolder, and even worse, two of the best upcoming Pro Heroes were just next door and they hadn’t even noticed.

Even if the new Hero Killer had failed to finish the job, it didn’t matter. This would be a sign to all. A bad one. A message even. It felt as though this copycat was mocking him with every move.

The only thing that Y/N can think about, is how dark this alley is, how easy it should’ve been for Telen to escape from his attacker. Which can only mean one of two things, the perpetrator had done something to prevent Telen from escaping into the shadows. Or, it was someone he trusted enough that he hadn’t felt the need to. Not until it was too late, that is.

This was a problem. A big problem.

note: short but eventful chapter? and look at me go, updating on an actual schedule thats a first!

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donatello-writes · 4 years

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Not Quite Human - Part IV

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3]

Mystified by your date's bizarre actions, you wandered about your apartment, racking your brain as to where you'd gone wrong. Overthinking was your specialty, and you feared that perhaps you moved too fast, making him feel uncomfortable. Mortification painted your face as you hoped that wasn't the reason. Noticing Noodle sniffing around excitedly by the couch, you walked over to see what he was so interested in. Kneeling down for a closer look, you found a few pale green flecks dotting your carpet. They were lightly iridescent with a rough texture, almost like the skin of a snake. "...Are these...Scales?"

The sound of labored breath, laden with guilt, echoed through the otherwise silent midnight alleyways of New York city. Donatello felt like a fugitive fleeing from the scene of a crime as he darted from rooftop to rooftop, further distancing himself from you. The crisp October air burned his throat, but not as badly as the words left unsaid. He failed to have the courage to finally come clean about what he actually was: a mutant. The fear that surrounded him admitting his truth to you was paralyzing, knowing the outcome would most likely result in him never seeing you again. There was no chance that someone as perfect as you would want to be with a freakish reject like him. Beauty and the Beast is a lovely story, but things like that never happened in real life.

Engrossed in thought, he was unprepared when his two-toed feet split through the small converse shoes, causing him to lose footing and tumble across the next rooftop. As he laid face-first on the cold and unforgiving concrete, he vowed to replace the shoes he'd destroyed, they were Mikey's after all. The human-turtle hybrid moved to get up, only to remain on the ground when a sharp pain shot down his back. He involuntarily coiled into a ball in preparation for the worst part of the change. The smooth skin on his back began to crawl before hardening as it reformed into his carapace.

Wincing, the Donatello hugged his own body for comfort. To distract himself from the pain, he focused on the sound of the sweatshirt slowly tearing apart as it surrendered to his expanding form. He felt terrible for destroying your belonging, but due to the intense stress of the moment, he was unable to remove it in time. It wasn't long before his shell triumphantly burst through the clothing, regaining it's rightful place on his back. The mutant breathed a sigh of relief, it was all over. Removing his glasses, and retrieving his mask from his pants pocket, he tied it back onto his face. Surveying his surroundings, he located a nearby manhole and quickly slipped down into it.

Staggering through the sewer tunnels, vision doubled, Donatello struggled to even keep himself upright. Sewage splashed up onto his bare legs with each heavy step that he took. What little material that remained of his tattered jeans clung to his larger mutant form snugly, making movement difficult. This wasn't good. For the first time, he actually felt woozy following his change. Why are the after effects so adverse this time? He thought, mind swiftly consumed by worry. Thankfully, the journey wasn't long, and the lights of the lair soon illuminated his path.

The fatigued terrapin stumbled back into the lair, breathing still strained. Wobbling legs that had been threatening instability the entire jaunt home, finally gave out, and he collapsed like a newborn baby deer. Normally he would have rested before returning home, but he wasn't thinking clearly in his agitated state. Alarmed by the less than graceful entrance, his brothers rushed to his aid. Leonardo was the first at his side, followed closely by the others.

"Donnie, what happened? Where's all of your tech?" the leader in blue questioned.

"I...was attacked by foot soldiers...They ambushed me, I barely escaped...They took everything, but thankfully I awoke before they could do anything else." He lied again, something he abhorred, but had been doing a surprising amount of lately. Mikey tried his best not to react, knowing full well that his older brother's story was likely untrue.

Somehow the genius managed to convince his brethren that he was fine, and stole away to his laboratory. How was he going to explain this to you? After leaving without so much as a goodbye out the bathroom window of your high rise apartment unit. That, in and of itself, would be quite difficult to explain without telling you the truth. Worst part of all being the very moment at which he departed. The two of you were getting rather intimate, and if not for his pesky changing form, he would have stayed. The last thing he wanted you to think was that he wasn't interested in you that way. As if any of that even mattered at this point. Once you saw his true form, that flame of desire would surely die.

Clearly his homemade ooze was unstable, it's effectiveness dwindling with each use. Time was a cruel mistress and refused Donatello any leeway. There was a limit to how many more times he'd be able to turn human, and honestly, he wasn't sure how much much more of it he could take. The formula was still incomplete. There was a key ingredient missing, and he couldn't figure out what.

***************************************

Back at your apartment, you collected the cluster of scales discovered after Donatello's bizarre and hasty departure. Digging a microscope out of the closet and unboxing the device, you carefully set it up. Slipping the scales between slides and under the lens, you examined them. Following some tests, the scales were identified as being of the common North American box turtle. Perhaps Donatello has a pet turtle? It was just odd, as turtles usually shed similarly to snakes, in large sloughs rather than individual scales.

As with most cases where you were in need of immediate answers, you turned to the internet. While navigating the seemingly unending information on box turtles, you happened upon a video. It was an excerpt from a nature documentary explaining their mating habits. The narrator prattled on in his proper English accent about how the males emit what was described as a churr, followed by footage of a male box turtle making an extremely familiar sound. Immediately recognizing it, you sat at your desk for a moment, completely stunned. It was almost identical to the sound you'd heard coming from Donatello.

This new bit of intrigue encouraged further investigation. With the few supplies that you had, you assembled everything needed to conduct a rudimentary DNA test. Running into your laundry room, you retrieved his signature flannel shirt. Upon careful inspection of the garment, you managed to find a hair that you could use for analysis. You placed the hair besides the scales under the lens and had a look. Moving your eye from the microscope, you gasped. Somehow, the structural appearance of each seemed to almost match.

"But that would mean...There's no way."

The tools required to conduct a proper test were not at your disposal, so you were quick to doubt the accuracy of the results. If your hypothesis was correct, Donatello would easily fit the description of those beings you'd heard about on the news. Considering the strides in genetic research that had occurred within the past decade, the existence of such a genetic marvel wasn't completely ludicrous. However, one fact remained: all of this was nothing but speculation until proven. This realization brought your wild theorizing to a halt.

Perhaps a goodnight's sleep would help to clear your restless mind.

Merely an hour or so after your head hit the pillow, a ruckus reverberated down the alley outside of your apartment, stirring you from fitful slumber. Understandably irked by the rude awakening, you grumbled and rolled over in your bed. The sound of a familiar voice among the others swiftly quelled your annoyance, prompting you to venture out of bed and over to the window.

"Donnie...?"

The name came out in the form of a whisper as you gazed skyward to the origin of the commotion. It was difficult to make out detail in the veil of night, but what you could see were four humanoid silhouettes on the rooftop of a neighboring building. The longer you stared, the more you came to realize that these figures weren't human. They had what appeared to be shells on their backs...turtles? Your eyes were drawn to one of them, specifically. The one who appeared to be decorated with various pieces of electronic equipment.

Why do I feel like I know him somehow?

Further investigation was in order. Clumsily stepping through the window, you made your way out onto the fire escape. Still hazy from sleep, little attention was paid to your footing. One misstep was all it took to send you over the rail with a yelp. Thanks to quick reflexes, you managed to grab onto it, leaving you dangling from a dangerous height.

Fingers losing grip with every passing second, it wasn't long before you finally began to fall. Knowing ground impact was immanent, you shut your eyes tight. But instead of hitting the hard pavement, you found yourself being whisked upward. Someone had caught you. Rough, scaly arms surrounded you, holding on tight and trembling ever so slightly. He didn't speak, but he didn't need to, his expression spoke volumes. Jaw dropped, releasing ragged breath, and eyes visibly ravaged by worry from behind his...tortoise shell glasses. This realization came too late, however, as you made the mistake of looking down. Dizziness assaulted your vision and the world swiftly went dark.

Once he climbed your fire escape, his tension eased to see that you had fallen unconscious. That eliminated any awkward questions that he couldn't answer. His voice was too recognizable to you. It could give him away or, at the very least, cause suspicion.

Gently, he laid you down onto the bed. Bringing the covers over you, he then lovingly tucked you in. He couldn't resist resting a hand softly on your cheek. So warm against his cold palm, a reminder of how different you were. It was easy to forget at times while waltzing around in human skin.

Just as he turned to leave, you shifted in your bed and mumbled, "Donnie..." He shuddered at the sound of his own name. Peering over his shoulder, a sigh of relief left him to see that you were still out cold.

It was just a coincidence, he told himself.

***************************************

Awakening with a start, you were bewildered to find yourself in bed. "B-but...impossible."

Throwing off the covers, you ran back to the window, gazing up to find the mysterious creatures had long since vanished. Before falling you could have sworn that you heard Donatello, but it all happened so quickly that you started to doubt yourself. With your crack theory regarding the nerdy lad all but consuming your thoughts as of late, you weren't all that surprised.

It was just a dream...right?

The next day, he called. Despite him being the one who initiated the conversation, you were the first to begin.

“Donnie! About yesterday...If I made you feel uncomfortable at any point, I am so, so sorry.”

“No! That wasn’t it at all! I called to apologize to you.” there was a momentary pause as he collected his thoughts before continuing, “I’ve never been with another person in that way and I just got a bit...overwhelmed.”

Though you maintained that jumping out a window was not the best choice, you understood. Nerves can make a person do crazy things.“Well, if that ever happens again, can you promise me one thing?”

“Of course, anything.”

“Next time, please use the front door.” snorts and laughter came from the other end as he agreed to your terms. After a bit of talking, the two of you made plans to meet up. Excitedly stuffing all of your necessities into your backpack, you immediately headed out.

***************************************

"You forgot something the other night." with a broad smile you then handed over the flannel shirt, neatly folded and cleaned. The scent of lavender and vanilla laundry detergent clung to the material, filling the air with it's pleasant aroma. "It seems as though you're determined to have me keep this."

Noticing a curious purple rag poking out of his pants pocket, you swiped it for further investigation. It looked so familiar, but you couldn't place where you'd seen it before. He jerked after feeling the item leave his pocket and turned to you. Gears were already turning in his head, preparing his answer to whatever you were about to say.

Upon further examination of the brilliantly colored cloth, you came to discover two specifically cut holes in it. Additionally, there were designs up and down both sides. One appeared to be Japanese kanji and the other...*an icon of a turtle*. That was it! The terrapin rescuer of your dreams was wearing a mask almost identical to this one.

"Is this a...mask?"

Without missing a beat, Donatello replied, "Yes, because I'm secretly a crime fighting superhero by night." He said, laughing a bit louder than necessary.

"You did mention that you work at night...The pieces of the Donnie puzzle are finally coming together." with a wry smirk, you played along with his comical hypothetical. As he reached out to reclaim his possession, you swiftly tied to onto your face.

Puckering your lips goofily, you then requested his opinion, "How do I look?" adding to the humorous display with hands on both hips and a sassy rolling of the shoulders.

"I'm not going to lie...you look good in purple. Unfortunately, now I will have to kill you because you know my secret identity. It's such a shame too...I was really starting to like you, we had a good run." as the two of you exchanged a laugh, he wrapped his arms around you; using this as a distraction to remove the mask. "Now, are we just going to fool around or are we going on a date?"

***************************************

Within the next few months, when Donatello wasn't working on the ooze formula, he was out with you. The more time that you spent together, the more he couldn't help but worry about telling you the truth. He was leaving a crucial fact out of the equation: that he wasn't exactly human...Well, not completely. Guilt ate away at his delicate conscience, his anxiety surrounding the matter only worsening with each passing day. The night that you shared together was a close call. It was only a matter of time before it somehow surfaced whether planned or unexpected. Not wanting circumstances to come to the latter, he resolved to tell you on his own terms. It was just a matter of finding the right time.

Going over the plans for the evening in his head, Donatello gathered everything he needed for the night. Dinner, a movie, and a walk through the park. That would allow more than enough time to return to your apartment, and for him to confess to you before the ooze's effectiveness wore off. Without the visual, his story would be hard to believe. A much as it pained him to think of you watching his gruesome shift in form, it needed to be done.

With a heavy sigh, he headed away from the lair and deep into the sewers to take the ooze. Following his change, he donned a Queen t-shirt and squirmed uncomfortably while fitting his suspenders over his shoulders. It felt strange wearing his usual cargo pants. Not only were they ill-fitting on his smaller human body, but they also served to mark the end. The end of being human, the end of being normal, the end of being...with you.

The final touch: his purple flannel over shirt. It would undoubtedly be torn apart when he reverted back, and he couldn't think of a better way to get rid of it. He couldn't keep the article of clothing after all that it came to stand for. The outfit was far from fashionable, but at that point in time, he was in need of functionality. He didn't bother to remove his goggles, there was no point, she'd already seen them. Bedsides, it'd be far better to be prepared in case anything happened.

***************************************

"Nice suspenders, you're really playing up the hot nerd look, huh?" You joked.

Making a point to adjust his glasses he replied, "You know you like it."

Shooting him a smirk, you grabbed hold of his suspenders and pulled him into a kiss. "Oh, I definitely do...And I surrender, the nerdy allure is too much for me to handle! Have mercy!" You both chuckled as you made your way to the restaurant.

Hopping seamlessly from dinner to movie, the date was just as normal as any other. However, once you left the theater and headed off to your next destination, Donatello leaned in and whispered, "I don't mean to alarm you, but...It appears that we have chaperones accompanying our date. They're undoubtedly looking for revenge after what I did to them before." He concluded, and you breathed a sigh of relief. He still didn't know that they were after you, specifically.

After a series of twists, turns, and misdirections that would make even the Scooby Doo gang dizzy, it seemed you had thrown the ruffians off your trail. The detour had taken a decent chunk of time, and by now it was already dark. Given how far you both were from her apartment, he was forced to find a secluded place where there'd be no threat of him being seen as he transformed.

A rooftop.

Taking your hand in his, he led you up a nearby fire escape. You didn't question it, figuring this was still part of your evading the current threat. Once the two of you reached the top, stared up at the sky wistfully before turning to you. Gazing deep into your eyes, he wasn't sure where to begin. After everything that had transpired that night, his time frame was limited. Within the hour, the effects of the ooze would cease and his true appearance revealed.

Noticing his unease, you wrapped your arms around him. The tips of your fingers traced up and down the back of his neck, sending shivers down his spine. You followed with a delicate touch of the lips. He savored every kiss that you granted him, knowing this would all come to an end once you knew what he really was...a monster...those words still echoed in Donatello's head from that terrible night at the Police station. His analytical brain made sense of the situation, he'd rationalized long ago that what those police had said came from a place of ignorance; however, knowing that fact didn't make their words hurt any less.

"Y/N...I...I haven't been myself lately." He began, words slow and heavy.

Puffing a chuckle, you replied, "It's okay, it happens to the best of us."

"No. You don't understand, I-I'm not hu--"

Angry shouts cut Donatello off from his confession. The Purple Dragons who had been following the two of you earlier had managed to locate you once more. Effortlessly scooping you up into his arms, your beau made a mad dash for the fire escape. While descending the stairs, your phone wriggled free from your pocket and plummeted down to the concrete below. You let out an involuntary shriek as it did so.

"S-sorry, I'll get you a new one!" He promised as you finally reached the bottom. Without hesitation, he then bolted down the alleyway with impressive speed. You looked back to see a few new thugs had joined the chase and were not far behind. The change was upon him, and in a panic, he hastened his pace. He was paying little attention to navigation, but thankfully you were. Recognizing the area, you shouted at Donatello to stop. Unfortunately, the warning came too late, he'd already turned to face a dead end.

Pain finally gripped him and he froze, allowing the pursuers to catch up. Nestled in his arms, you could feel his muscles twitching incessantly, begging to regain their proper form. Surveying his surroundings, there were no fire escapes, no windows, nothing to grab onto to make a getaway. The only thing in this alley was a faulty streetlight that flickered weakly, offering an eerie lighting to the already tense situation.

***************************************

Your piercing screech echoed down the streets, making it's way to the ears of a certain leader in blue. Out with only two of his brothers, he couldn't ignore such an apparent cry of distress. Following the sound, they came to find only the Purple Dragons all converging on one point. Clearly they were up to nothing good, so they silently followed from the rooftops. Eventually coming upon the objects of the chase: a young, unassuming couple.

Raphael tilted his head, perplexed, as he concentrated his gaze on the stranger below, "Hey, doesn't that guy look kinda familiah?" He inquired, nudging his little brother.

"Nope, nope...Haven't seen that dude before in my life." Michelangelo straightened up, trying his best not to seem suspicious. Knowing it was Donatello, and concerned for his safety, the orange masked turtle added, "Should we go down there and help them?" He then looked to his older brethren for guidance. Both of them traded glances before surveying the scene below one more time. The heroic young man was poised to fight off his attackers, and he didn't appear to be a stranger to combat, judging from his solid fighting stance, and the fierce expression on his face.

Leonardo shook his head decisively, "No, if it's not absolutely necessary for us to intervene, we won't. We are not going to risk being seen over a small skirmish." the leader had spoken, and he directed his younger team members to follow him away from the stand-off. Not but a second later, the human man prepared to dish our the much deserved beating that his assailants were begging for.

This was a dead end in every sense of the phrase. Standing between you and the enemy, Donatello held his place firmly. He would do anything it took to ensure your safety. As if some otherworldly force were at work in his favor, just as the miscreants prepared for attack, the streetlight cut out. Scant beams of moonlight streamed in from between the lofty buildings and offered little light to the scene. Low gasps and groans of displeasure came from the Purple Dragons, but not him. He was completely at home in the shadows.

Drawing in a deep breath, Donatello began fighting off the group, and defend you. They all rushed at him, despite their limited vision, and the game was set. Maneuvering through the group with calculated grace, he easily evaded the flurry of fists and weapons. His strikes were deliberate, without a hint of hesitation. There was no time for flourishes like the last fight, this time he was all business. Admittedly, he was putting on a bit of a show to impress you the last time he faced off against these thugs.

Leonardo motioned for his brothers to follow him away from the scene, and the both nodded. Turning back to catch one last glimpse of the show, Raphael's eyes widened. He recognized those fighting movements instantly, they were exactly the same as what he and his brothers learned from Master Splinter. "Guys. Check out this nerd's moves."

Well aware that his shift in form was upon him, Donatello was forced to ignore it, and focus on the fight. Scales began to replace skin, and the sound of tearing fabric rang out into the quieted night. His darkened form appeared to be growing, but that couldn't be possible. A single flash from the streetlight gave you a glimpse of your heroic beau, half-turned. It was only for a split second, but enough.

The two oldest brothers watched in disbelief as this gangly human man slowly took the familiar shape of their brother, far too stunned by what their eyes were beholding to take action. Michelangelo shifted uncomfortably, being privy to the secret, trying to pretend like he was equally as surprised. The leader was speechless, not entirely sure of what he had just witnessed. While beside him, the red brute showed the most visible reaction. A myriad of emotions swept over the red masked turtle's face--shock, fear, and disgust, before finally settling on his usual: anger.

As the transformation persisted, so did Donatello's attackers. He wanted to double over, but couldn't let up his defense for a second. All that he could do was grit his teeth, and tolerate the pain as he continued fending off the assault. There were far too many enemies for him to be concerned with his change at this point in time. Meanwhile, his practically blind assailants were oblivious to his shifting form.

It wasn't until he took down the last of his opponents, and reached for your hand, that he finally came crashing back down to reality from his adrenaline high. His three-pronged, green, scaly hand was outstretched before him, mere inches away from yours. At which point, the streetlight finally decided to remain on, shining brightly down on the newly turned mutant like a spotlight. The otherworldly force was not so benevolent after all.

The orange and red masked brothers were prepared to jump down and interrupt, but Leonardo quickly stopped them. "No...we're not needed here." He stated, knowing this was time that you and Donatello needed alone. The wise leader was able to read the situation effortlessly. Putting the disappointment that he was feeling on the back burner, he chose empathy. Knowing that his sibling was already stressed, he didn't want to compound that by getting involved at this moment.

"Whut??? Didja not see our brother just--" the burly terrapin readied his argument, but was swiftly silenced by the head of the team. "Enough, we're not interfering. We can discuss this with Donnie later, but right now...They need to be alone."

Coming to the realization that you had just witnessed him transform for the first time, Donatello's eyes grew wide with horror and he quickly withdrew his hand. He wished this had happened under better circumstances, but these were the cards that he was dealt. Dread flashed over his features as you stared back at him, transfixed. The expression on your face appeared almost identical to the one in his nightmare. Anxiety at it's peak, he backed away like a frightened animal and absconded without saying a word. There was nothing to be said, his monstrous form spoke for itself, telling the story of his deceit.

The mutant's departure was so swift that he didn't hear your plea for him to stay. By the time you'd found words, he had already disappeared into the night. You stood there, surrounded by fallen enemies, and the many tattered pieces of his flannel shirt that laid strewn about the alley. Kneeling down, one by one you carefully collected the pieces of material. After retrieving every last shred, you stepped over the unconscious men and slowly made your way home in a daze.

Once he had returned to the lair, Donatello shut himself away in his room, head reeling from what had just occurred. The look of fear on your face replayed endlessly in his head as if it were a video on loop. He didn't expect you to accept him like this, he was an abomination of both nature and science. He only wanted for you to be able to lead a normal life, and he was unable to give you that. Knowing this fact made his heart ache.

Surely you wouldn't want to see him again, he concluded pessimistically. Not after watching someone you thought was human horrifically transform into a monster before your very eyes. Someone you trusted...and maybe even...loved? He quickly erased that possibility from his mind, you'd never return your affection for him like this...as a mutant. You loved the human Donatello, and that was the reality of the situation.

You returned to your apartment, utterly dumbfounded by the recent events. From your brief infiltration of Dr. Stockman's laboratory, you knew that he made unbelievable breakthroughs in genetic engineering. Though you were not privy to the specifics of his work, rumors flew within the scientific community that he'd found a way to modify human and animal DNA with his miraculous purple serum. You didn't believe these insane claims, it was something like that seemed unachievable. Despite the fact that you'd been hired to purloin said formula, you still weren't convinced of it's effectiveness. Was Donatello really a human-animal hybrid? Even though you'd witnessed him change into his half-animal form right in front of you, if was still difficult to swallow.

"He's...incredible."

...to be continued.

Tagged a few folks who asked to be:

@ali-on-reverie @fullvoidmoon @notaliteraltoad

#aaand it's done #I sure hope it was worth the wait #cause I don't feel like it was #*dies*#I struggled with this part for some reason I'm sorry guys #I'm just happy that I finished it #bayverse tmnt #tmnt fan fic #tmnt x reader #donatello x reader #tmnt 2016 #tmnt 2014 #tmnt #teenage mutant ninja turtles #fan fiction #my writing #don's quill pen #not quite human

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toyhouse-dramas-archived · 3 years

Text

mumble mumble shy shy

damn I used to visit these vent blogs to monitor and study what people like and hate about adoptable community but this place now is just a mess lol oh did u guys know that drama blogs mentioning people's names publicly behind anon mask is actually illegal in korea?? so this culture is pretty new to me and yeah im mewruse after long while Ive heard some concerns rising so I'm here to give you info about the cazinoz 'thing'.. how do we call that in eng

before everything small reminder that I have really bad impulse problems and hyperfixate on stuff badly(bad than you can ever imagine rip) so yeah Im probably a person who should stay away from the internet. oop we going to wrong way anyhow yeah there was concerns from people around me back then about using that username but they didn't really mentioned the 'bad side' of using copycat username like I could earn fame easily etc etc. They just told me um I mean if u want < so I just went with it cuz I personally never found any better username than casino...... yet. Still one of the coolest usernames inside my heart. Second one is juzouu btw And yes I was aware of the incident and what they did but I thought its... just a name?? Im claiming?? Didn't know that it could be this mentionable thing cuz Im not able to catch stuff that are 'general' to you guys I can't really easily imagine of pros and cons that will happen because of my action yes my IQ is low thank you my doc thought I also had learning disabilities but no its just my language IQ

that's p much it! and I moved account due to friend group breakup thing and personal episode I had but not gonna mention about that

Dear anon who keep speaking this topic up, I dunno what you want... do you want to kick me out of this community? Or just want spicy drama?(in this case Im not that interesting person sorry) like idm being canceled in this community tbh I already have some places to go and work BUT I love cs and adopt community personally so I'm probably not giving you what you want. If you seriously want to talk about this and not just wanting hot spicy drama topic to mumble on internet as anon dm me on discord here's my handle: noiii#0070

also sorry if this is not something to post on... vent blog.

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themeed · 3 years

Text

damn allowed myself to want things for a day and all i want is a van to live in, knowledge, freedom, weight loss, and a bass guitar.

im. happy with that i think. im proud of me, no jokes. im proud of being able to want things and care about them and vibrate towards them with longing. im... pleased with that. its fulfilling in a way Not Wanting For Anything isnt, because thats... kinda hollow. empty. in a vacant, lonely, yearning and grieving and SAD way. maybe because i Couldnt Want then. i Couldnt Desire or it would be used against me or taken away. that sucks. that sucked.

and now. im free to want again. and comparatively???? i think im very much never going to aim for buddhism or that weird Not Desiring Not Attached Nirvana mindset. like good for u but been there out of trauma and its not fun theres no reason to truly Live. u just float endlessly and experience and it aches so badly!!!! it hurts to want to want and not be able to. and i guess that is different from not wanting at all but... its not different enough for me to justify ever going back to that. or going forward to that. i just got this back and screw enlightenment if it means i have to give up on my passions i dont think life is worth living without it.

and anybody who looks down on that from a spiritual tower has yet to examine their own pride and how empty they feel without it.

anybody who looks down and smiles and wishes me luck on my journey? good for them. im glad theyre living their best life, on their journey as they see fit.

and i feel the need to protect myself because ive been hurt by the pride- the arrogance of others before. a lot of my hurts and traumas stem from my mother being too prideful to recognize that she can be wrong and someone under her power could be correct over her. and it was an uncomfortable truth. so she denied it was one at all and hurt me. i know the reason could be elaborated on. she didnt want to confront her own internal logic. or trauma. or even doublethink. that doesnt excuse her hurting a child for the sake of her sense of pride, of comfort, of self-worth. a child under her power, that she claimed to be parent of. teacher of.

not owing anyone anything is not the same as not hurting anyone. i havent reconciled that yet. oppressors should be held accountable for their mistakes, and give reparations if the harm is physical at LEAST. and i think that applies to politics, yes. privately though? if i beat up a nazi, i dont want to pay for his hospital bills. my personal philosophy struggles between equating people and ideas as a worth measurement, and realizing that that line of thinking is... similar to oppressors. but. its based on something people can change. the question is, do i think "if given the opportunity" is a good enough reason to stop and question a racist that runs their mouth? and do i think pre-emptive violence is okay? if say, a nazi walks into a bar and doesnt say anything but is wearing all the red flags and bells and whistles. i dont think that justifies a beatdown. being asked to leave, sure, but the beatdown doesnt start til the first remark flies.

once the intent is given OR the action is taken, the line is drawn. doesnt matter if they Havent Had The Chance. if theyre starting shit outside of debate spaces like that, and not, say, asking questions, theyre not looking for new perspectives, and it is NOT my job to educate people. its not my job to Show People The Light. a quick fucking google search could tell them why theyre wrong. if they havent put even the most basic energy into questioning their beliefs, thats on them.

it sounds like im trying to absolve myself of blame here. largely because. i think i should go out and help educate people because theyre inherently complacent if theyre, yknow, in a position of power. aka white folk and men and rich folk and cis folk and on and on and on. these people dont live my reality. they dont live the reality of a gay black man in the south, or a genderqueer lesbian in the west, or an indigenous woman whose nation is being targeted, or a muslim woman who cannot wear her headcoverings in the face of danger of death, or an asian immigrant who cant get a job because of COVD age discrimination resurging. we will never live each others realities, but we can become aware of them.

they wont come into awareness without someone asking or telling, and then doing something to change them.

we shouldnt need to go running to people in power for them to be aware of problems in the populace, govt is supposed to help and solve issues like this. like. actively. thats the whole point, make life better for the countrys citizens. and individuals in a position of social power...

are individuals who didnt take on a responsibility to protect and serve or otherwise care for the populace of a nation. i personally think they SHOULD care, but they are not obligated to. i cant make them care about others.

and honestly, on some of them, it would be a waste of time. there are people who want to change or question things and yknow what? they seek out answers. in people or places or online usually. stats and stories.

so like. i dont think someones Potential as a person matters when theres a throwdown about to happen. it really isnt my responsibility to save people from themselves or try to change their sides against their will. if they want to chat about it they can ask questions first.

not throw insults or punches or hatred.

what people have been taught is worth analyzing and trying to correct IN SOCIETY but i cant fix every broken white boy that comes to me. PSAs, fliers, outreach, online videos, debate spaces. those are things i already have access to and can be a part of if i really want to go around changing minds. or yknow. get involved in legislation and be myself around others to change their perceptions of whats socially acceptable or normal. maybe protest, maybe call congressfolk, etc.

but not every comment has to be analyzed or a learning opportunity. im allowed to shut it down, and people can respect that or stop talking to me. this isnt my parents house where i had to justify everything that i said or did when scrutinized, and doubly justify any criticism i had of mother, or any joke i frowned at instead of smiling.

these people dont have that power over me. they arent my mother. they arent my boss, and if they are i can fuck off and get a new job if necessary. they dont have financial control over my living space and food and schooling and physical control of where i can go and with who and for how long. I CONTROL THAT. I do.

Huh. maybe thats why i want a van so bad. i mean... when this lease ends if nobody is gonna end up living with me...

i could just... live in my car and shower at truck stops. get a storage unit for my stuff. save by driving jobs. like 40 to 60 a day. tear out my cars back, insulate it, and install my mattress pad there. water on the floor, cooler next to it, wooden cutting coard, knife, single camping plateware set, and another little shelf for spices. maybe a hot plate i can hook up to the car battery? get a long enough usb and it might be doable. i could go camping and open the trunk to just... vibe.

because yeah, honestly? i dont plan on having a solid apartment for a bit. like a long bit. and i still have like 70000 miles on my car before itll want to go. and by that point, even at like 100 miles a day, thats like 2 years, less if i go cross country in that vehicle. i could save up SO MUCH for a better vehicle, or like. college. live on campus, get some credit, continue working after i figure out want i want to do.

i think thats a solid plan, even if i dont get another apartment and put everything in storage. work as i need to instead of all the time for rent, really only paying for gas, car repairs, car ins, food, and phone data/hotspot internet... that would bring my monthly expenses down to like 500 a month max instead of like 1400. id only need to make some 1000 a month doing contract stuff to save for taxes and stuff. anything extra would be just that: extra for savings and things. holy shit.

depending on how this next month goes for my friends, holy s h i t.

i. i might do this. legitimately.

i. dont think i can yet. i need proof of address to get my license im pretty sure? but hey, thatll be my 21st this year, so. once i have that i wont need a new address for a While. i dont know if ill want one, really.

i could always just ask a friend or family member if i could use theirs for mail that cant go to a PO box.

anyway. yeah. wow.

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yslkook · 3 years

Note

I am the person who asked about cultural appropriation and I felt so much better after seeing your post. I believe everyone is entitled to their own opinion and it shouldn’t be used to invalidate other people’s opinions. I have been a kpop fan for a long time and I remember when ddududdudu came out I was a huge blackpink fan back then and I saw the bindi and I felt kind of weird. I didn’t know how to react but I didn’t really like it. I was young and a bit naïve so I think that was my first real exposure to cultural appropriation. I didn’t really acknowledge it before because it wasn’t people I look up to doing it. And I had my reasons for being offended. 1.) I have experienced a lot of racism as an Indian living abroad and have been called all sorts of slurs for being too Indian so I don’t feel comfortable wearing a bindi but others could and when I went online they were praised for their amazing outfits and looks 2.) I had never seen blackpink address their Indian fans or anything to do with Indian culture. Then I went on Twitter hoping to see other people maybe speak up about it but oh my god it was a messsss. People were losing their shit over how it wasn’t even Indian culture cuz it was just a gem and then also that it doesn’t matter cuz Indians don’t even mind if others wear bindis. And there were non-Indian people defending their faves so fiercely to the point they started insulting Indian culture and i was so scared. I was in a kpop group chat back then and I mentioned there that I didn’t like it and they were okay with that. But after seeing what happened on Twitter, I felt a bit scared that people might think I overreacted so I literally told them that ‘I was feeling bitchy’ and ‘forget what I said’. I really invalidated myself and my opinions even though I personally felt offended. Over the years I have realised how big of a problem this is, not just in kpop, but in the media we’re exposed to in general. But it’s more frustrating to see the idols that tell me they love their fans equally and love everyone also take freely from my culture and not give back. I’m at the point where I don’t feel like a fan because kpop is not catered towards someone like me. And whenever I have tried to educate others, people take it upon themselves to shut me out. Like I’m not even trying to cancel your faves, just educate them but for some reason as soon as certain fans hear cultural appropriation they go into full attack mode thinking that their faves are being cancelled. And this made me realise that there is so much hypocrisy and internalised racism present to this day, not just against Indians but so many other minorities. A lot of kpop fans also have double standards when it comes to racism. Even if they support artists of colour, they can still be racist. It’s sad because kpop has grown so much and have a large audience of young people who look up to them. And when these idols get away with feigning ignorance, their fans think that’s it’s okay to do the same too. It’s a dangerous concept for a generation that should be advancing with their thinking, not going back in time. Also I’m really sorry the ask became so long. I might as well have submitted an essay. I had to talk to someone about this after I saw someone tell me that I should be happy that kpop idols wear bindis because they look good in it....meanwhile if I wear it, I get called things I can’t even say on here. Some people just don’t seem to understand that. Also, I know that I mentioned blackpink a lot here but that’s because I used to be a blink so that was my personal experience with them. I know there are groups out there who have done worse and it just makes me sadder. I am put off of kpop but I really do enjoy the music and the whole fun of being a kpop fan. But the ignorance that runs through the kpop industry and some of the fans too really can’t be ignored.

yeah its definitely jarring for elements of your culture to be thrown in your face while people outside of your culture are praised for taking the same things that others would bully you for. a lot of fans seem to be quick to call out racism and xenophobia against kpop idols (which is a very real thing obviously) but turn a blind eye when there are clear instances of 1. fandom racism 2. cultural appropriation and racism being perpetuated by idols/companies

the original intent of cancel culture makes sense, but i feel like now the conversation stems around the fear of being cancelled rather than accepting accountability and doing better moving forward. people are allowed to grow and change...but dismissing that the wrongdoing even happened is not the way. ive mainly heard about this kind of devotion/behavior on twitter though (no wonder kpop stans have a bad name when the first thing that comes to mind is kpop twitter). i feel like people on here are pretty good about not brushing this to the side

you definitely didnt overreact by just calling out that it wasnt okay and it was also wrong for people to say it was just a "gem" lmaoooo wtf. and you obviously cant just make a generalized statement to say that indians dont mind...who is anyone to say that. even a south asian who doesnt mind that much doesnt have the right to say that all indians dont mind if others wear the bindi...because people can have differing opinions (in my opinion). but its pretty obvious when things do and dont belong

you probably didnt send me an ask for unsolicited advice but ill give it to you anyway- anyone (in real life or on the internet) who makes you feel like your lived experiences dont matter are not worth your time. you know your intentions are good by calling bad things out when you see it. if paying attention to kpop on twitter is affecting you that badly, then maybe take a step back and see how you feel. anything that is affecting your internal peace should be re-assessed, protect your peace!! i agree with you, the ignorance cant and shouldnt be ignored by idols/companies and fans!

as far as engaging with kpop despite all of this...it's up to you to determine what level of engagement you want to have. it's definitely very off putting but these days, is no ethical consumption i feel lmao. maybe it would help if you found a niche of fandom that you're comfortable with engaging in. i feel like people on here are very cool and not quick to dismiss things

and no worries about writing a long ask LMAO bc i wrote one right back and had to include a read more...

#asks

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agentwallflower · 3 years

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Supernova 16

Bad news, I didn’t get any writing done!

Good news, I’m halfway through 16! Let the good times keep rolling... until I run out. Then I’m in trouble.

Anyway, life sucks. I am a bad caregiver and an even worse student of the arts. All I want to do is sleep, but there are pants that need washing and cans that need cleaning. Please let me sleep...

Good news though, I finished editing my other novel. Now it’s time to let my readers read it to tell me what I did wrong and the countless things that need fixing. Can’t you tell I’m thrilled?

...

Right. Anyway, next chapter goes up February 6. I’m going to go sit down until I have to get dinner ready. Then I gotta get laundry ready... and then I can do my homework. This is why I don’t want kids.

Thanks for reading, see you in two weeks!

“I already told you, you're not getting my damn helmet off.”

“But you might have-”

“If a psychic doesn't know their own brain, we got bigger problems. It’s staying on.”

It was bad enough that they'd made him take his damn clothes off. Angel had done his best, but cracked ribs were cracked ribs that needed x-rays. Among other things, that had meant shrugging out of his binder. It had been made easier by the fact the damn thing ripped in two when he tried to shuffle it off.

Guess he'd need another one... good thing he had all that overtime from working with Andy.

“I'll come in with the form stating you turned down an MRI.” there was a chill to the tech’s – nurse? Fuck if he knew right then – voice as they turned to leave the room. “Don't try to move, we still need to suture your wounds.”

Yeah, he had a lovely case of road rash that was going to need some serious antibiotic lotion, and his back was kind of fucked up. He had seen it in the mirror – looked kind of burned to him. No doubt it was going to leave some kind of nasty scar when it finished healing. Oh well, it was where nobody would see it.

Unlike his old facial ones. Pro-tip for young heroes: wear a mask before learning to fly. Birds are nasty.

“God, it's good to hear you snark at somebody.”

A comfortingly annoying voice buzzed in his ear. Scanner's link was open still, had been when the nurse had come in with the crazy idea of getting his helmet off. They had been going over the footage while waiting to hear about Ember and PT. From the sounds of things, everyone was going to make a full recovery. That was the important part, though if it took too long they might need outside help.

God, he hoped it wasn’t going to come to that. The Toledo Union was asshole city, and don't even get him started on Pittsburgh... he may not have liked football, but tossing them a 'go birds' just to make them froth at the mouth was worth it.

“Good to be able to do it.” He adjusted his helmet. “So, what's the damage?”

Keys clicked in his ear. “PT's got a nasty concussion, but that's nothing new for her. Don't know if she'll make it to the synagogue this weekend, but I think her rabbi will understand. Ember's completely lucid, so whatever Blasto did to her wore off. They're still doing a brain scan anyway, though. Apparently, they can do those with disguises on now.”

There was a note of teasing to the tech's voice that made Angel roll his eyes as he leaned back in the hospital bed, waiting for someone to tell him when he could go the fuck home. No doubt the attack was all over the news now, even at the late hour. How could it not, when one of their own had turned on them and nearly gotten half the city killed?

Maybe that was why he hadn't pulled his punches with that rock. Asshole.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. A cloth one's a little different from my setup.” He sighed in relief at the report. “Well, that means we'll only be down two. I'm no HR expert, but I think Richter's fired.”

He should've been on fire, but that was a different matter entirely. Oh well, once Ember and PT were better, they could handle that. He hadn't been around much anyway, so him going to jail for being an asshole – and you know, threatening to kill a bunch of people and almost getting away with it – didn't cramp their style too badly.

At least the overtime would pay for his GRE scores. He really needed to get his math percentile up if he wanted a shot at grad school.

“That's putting it mildly.” Scanner's tone shifted. Maybe it was the exhaustion talking, but they sounded softer the next time they spoke. “By the way, I appreciated the jerk ex comment but let's keep it on the DL around Andy. She doesn't need to know.”

Angel nodded – oww, big mistake. He might not have a concussion, but the overuse of his powers had given him one hell of a headache. That was enough to make him close his eyes as he bumped the back of his dirty helmet against the bed frame.

“Mum's the word, Scan.” He frowned. “Where is she anyway?”

There was a pause in the typing. Scanner didn't say anything for a good couple minutes, causing Angel's blood to run cold. Despite his pounding headache and the sudden urge to throw up, he sat straight up in his temporary bed.

“Scanner, where is Andy?”

“Paladin's got her in one of those rooms they use to tell people their grandma didn't make it. The FBI's en route now to pick her up.”

His feet hit the floor – oww. “Damn it, Scan, give me a location. We can't let them get her!”

Images flashed through his mind, stolen from the psychic he had thrown down with days prior. His imagination ran wild with it, showing off steel tables and knives sharp enough to cut through rocky surfaces. It made his stomach churn as his battered brain tried to come up with a way out.

“I'm two blocks from the hospital now. Paladin asked me to bring the book.”

Angel stopped moving. Time stopped too. The only thing that convinced him that the universe was still spinning was that his heart was beating. He was alive, but right then the only thing he could focus on was the thought of the book.

“You're serious?”

“Sounds like it's our only option. She's on the third floor and we need a witness so get there ASAP.”

ASAP was a little hard when he was under observation, but Angel didn't care. He made a grab for his pants, head spinning as he pulled them on over his hospital gown. At least he wasn't attached to an IV as he booked it out of the room, a nurse yelling in the background.

If Scanner was bringing the Book, it was as serious as he thought.

---

Though it was her first time in the hospital, Andy already knew she didn't like them very much.

“You've caused quite a stir on Twitter. People already like you.”

Uncle Leo was in the chair next to her, absent-mindedly scrolling his phone. The case was covered in pictures of his family – a present for his last birthday. With his brain he didn't need it, but it wasn't like they had ever really covered how much they knew about his pre-cancer days. It had never really been her business to question what they knew about him anyway.

Normally, Andy would have been dying to get a glance at the internet, especially if nobody was going to be monitoring her. But she stayed there in her chair, flexing her fists back and forth. She could still feel the power radiating from her core, making the air shimmer. At least she wasn't giving off heat, though – that might've made the old man uncomfortable.

She had done it.

“Mom's not coming, is she?”

Honestly, the alien wasn't sure why she was even asking. Once her mother made up her mind, she didn't change it. Their final words had probably been just that, especially after Twitter had gotten a hold of it. If the internet knew about her, that probably broke just about every rule they had set for her from the time she had first emerged.

Leo's eyebrows knitted as he put his phone aside. His warm hand found hers, squeezing gently more so he didn't break anything. For humans, that was probably a comforting gesture. Thanks to the lack of skin, it didn't really do much for her, but it was the thought that counted in the end.

“I tried to call her... she hung up on me.” He frowned. “I'm sorry, but I think she meant it.”

How was she supposed to feel during a moment like this?

“Andy?”

She supposed she should have been upset really. After all, her mother had finally broken and abandoned her like she had always threatened to when things got difficult. In a way, it was amazing she had stuck it out for almost 21 years. Had she had money to put on it, Andy would've bet after the divorce for sure. In a way, she was surprised she had lasted so long. Could you congratulate a parent for not giving up on you until you were over 20?

So… maybe she wasn’t all that upset when it came to her case. Really, she was worried about the ones she had left behind. After all, Amanda was going to take it out on someone eventually. Her oldest sister was the prime target for sure, but Jen was still just a few doors down. That thought made her core bubble up as she sat there, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It wasn’t that either, though…

Despite everything... Andy had to admit her biggest feeling was that of relief. Threats of turning her over to the lab – or worse – for bad behavior no longer hung over her head. If Amanda was washing her hands of her, then in a way she was free. Of course, that kind of made her property of the federal government... but that wasn't the first time either. Now that she was bigger, maybe she could go toe to toe with them if they tried anything funny.

Or hell, they might just turn her over to Sakamoto. She could handle her.

“Are you alright?”

Uncle Leo's words brought Andy back down to earth. She wasn't sure how long she had been out, but the man looked concerned. She shook her head, more for his benefit than her own, and shrugged her spiky shoulders in the universal sign of 'beats the hell out of me' before sitting back.

“I mean... everyone's ok, right?” She shrugged again, as if it would tease more emotions out of her molten core. “And I managed to get two shots off. I guess I can be happy about that?”

The psychic nodded. “But you're worried. I can't say I blame you. You did the right thing... though the FBI might disagree.”

Had she been human, this was where Andy would have snorted. “That's putting it mildly. I bet they’re on their way to get the custody pissing match started.”

With her... she supposed ex-mother? Out of the way, that left the feds and the lab. Talk about ugly – she would've winced at the thought if she was capable of doing it. While they whipped it out and measured, she was left in limbo. Luckily for her, that was nothing new either. Being an alien made her all kinds of flexible.

Bear Paw or... wherever the FBI wanted to keep her. She had so many lovely options.

“About that...” There was a light in the man's eyes. “You know, you did a good job out there. A little rough, but... you have promise. And we're down a man now that Richter is going to be doing hard time.”

Andy's head picked up. “Wait... you're not serious, are you?”

Leo smiled, and for a brief moment she saw someone who had long since retired to old newsreels and still pictures archived in the annals of history. It made her sit up a little straighter in her seat as her core began to bubble with what could only have been anticipation.

“We both know it was going to come down to this eventually, Andromeda.” Another smile. He never used her full name. “You're too much like Cassiopeia, including hating when I use your entire name.”

Her core bubbled again. “Can you even do that? I mean... I'm not human. Isn’t that the basic requirement of joining up?”

“It wasn't when we had Nova. Besides, who’s going to know if we don’t tell them?”

Right... she forgot sometimes about that sometimes. If Nova had hidden it… maybe she could too.

Before Andy could answer, someone knocked on the door. Leo stood to cross the room and opened it without a sound. On the other side stood Scanner, breathing hard as if they had wheeled at top speeds to get there. In their lap was a large book, bound in dark leather that gave it the feel of an ancient tome. This they handed off to her quasi uncle as they wheeled to the side, finally putting on the breaks.

“We better hurry, I blocked the elevator on some assholes in suits as I got up here.” They looked towards the window. “Is that SR?”

The psychic appeared as well, still wearing a hospital gown and motorcycle helmet. He slid in behind Scanner – at least he was wearing pants under his gown. At least he nodded to the room as he made no excuses for his weird attire.

“I'm with Scan, they're gonna be on my ass for breaking out soon.”

Leo shook his head, but he was smiling. “Not exactly what I expected for the two witnesses, but you're right. Time is of the essence. Even Scanner cannot stop an elevator forever.”

Andy felt the air in the room shift as the attention turned to her. This was probably where humans would have swallowed past anxiety or felt their hearts pound in anticipation. All she had was the bubbling of her core as she stood, dwarfing the room.

Her uncle was wrong, of course. She had never expected this day to come, not even in her wildest dreams or in the faded time before she was truly conscious of her situation. Yet the fact it was actually there still pressed down heavily as the man approached her, book in hand.

She had seen it once when she was a small child, though she forgot the circumstances of the visit that had caused it. It was a heavy looking book, bound with the Union's logo. Normally, it was kept at the base, given what was written inside.

After all... you kinda needed to keep the record of secret identities, well, a secret. It was probably the only book she could think of that didn’t have a digital copy. Sometimes, it was good to be analog.

And now it was her time to join them.

“Andromeda Nobel.” The old man’s voice had more energy in it than she had heard since his diagnosis. He held out the book and walked to an empty space in the room. She met him halfway, placing her hand on the cover like she had seen others do on TV. Maybe if they hadn't been rushing to beat the FBI, they would've done it too. Oh well, she had started this at 3 AM so maybe it was apt. “Do you swear to protect the people of Bear Paw?”

“I do.”

Outside, she could hear the elevator dinging. The agents were coming – they had a lock on the room. The door rattled violently, but Sky Rider's visor glowed as he held it firm. Someone was pounding on the wood now.

Leo remained unflapped. “Do you swear to use your powers for good and never evil?”

The words came from her mouth without thinking. “I do.”

“And no matter what, do you promise to uphold the ideals of heroism, bravery, and service both in and out of your secret identity?”

Andy didn't even need to think of this one. She nodded, almost knocking her chin to her chest. “I do.”

The rattling was getting stronger now. Sweat was starting to drip from under Sky Rider's helmet as he held the lock as hard as he could. Even Scanner was gearing up now, a glowing drone appearing to reinforce the fragile joints that kept the door to the wall. Both of them were giving it their all, even though one of them was still technically a patient.

Clearly, doing dumb shit was a point of pride here. If that wasn’t a sign she’d fit in, Andy didn’t know what was.

Leo's voice was stronger now. “Then, given the current leader is going through a medical workup, I use my power as the retired head of the Bear Paw Union to officially swear you in. You will now take up the mask and title to protect the city...”

His voice faltered. “We can add the superhero name later, unless you figured one out on the way over.”

Got one? Of course she had one. Andy had held it ever since she had first felt the power in her hands. Maybe it was a little cliché, but it felt right to her as she nodded towards the old man. She removed her hand, clenching her fist as she did.

“Call me Supernova.”

After all, she was Nova's kid in a roundabout way. If anyone got to mess with the title, she had the right.

“Supernova, eh? Never expected you to be one for a succession title, but I can't say it doesn't fit.” He smiled, and there was something wistful there as he nodded. “Then, welcome to the Union, Supernova. Serve it well.”

The door slammed open and Sky Rider was knocked on his ass as two agents in dark suits appeared in the room. As the psychic on the floor groaned at his bruised ass and ego combo, they entered, gunning for her.

Well… apparently it was time to test if the Union’s rule about active duty kept her from getting taken in. Talk about having one hell of a proving ground.

---

Want to support my snack pile so I get through art class alive? I have a Ko-Fi!

#writing #novel #Why yes I am incredibly depressed

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zeravmeta · 5 years

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Ok so, my thoughts on the VR ending and VR overall as the 6th entry.

Also because most of my thoughts aren't...complimentary im editing the names so they dont appear in the general tag. This also got LONG so readmore.

The Good:

- A//i's character still managed to be the one thing that saves VR as a show for me. Even with all the weird...contradictory plot issues, A//i still manages to be a compelling character who brings up the question of the right to live. I actually do like how he made it so itd be an ultimatum that he loses in either way, even if the ending kinda ruins the weight behind the action (which I will get to in a bit).

The meh:

-the ending was left somewhat open to interpretation which for a show as...empty as this was works out but honestly it was so vague as to A//is fate is that it may as well not exist.

The Bad:

-The main conflict behind the entire show is...simulations. No joke. Every conflict in the show can be traced back to someone doing a simulation and deciding to lose it. Even if they gave the (rather stupid) explanation that AI experience simulations like actual life (which btw the first villain wasnt an AI so this reason doesnt work), the fact that Yu//sa//ku took a bullet for one of A//is robot bodies that he literally has millions of is...just stupid and there solely for the "uwu drama".

-They actually killed A//i off but wait hes actually alive, so like the final duel literally had no purpose aside from...drama??? The episode is called Compromise and yet A//i had to lose just to keep Yu//sa///kus win streak and theres no compromise whatsoever. Yu//sa//ku litetally destroys the CompromA.I.se card so its just, no comrpomise in any way.

-This....wasn't a happy ending??? I have no idea why both the show and the fanbase frame this as a happy ending bc think about it in context: A//i pretty much loses everything, so does Yu//sa//ku who just isolated himself from everyone else for 3 months in order to comb the network for whatever remnants of A//i exist.

- So many of the supporting characters are just...there. Like, there is no side/supporting character who actually has a character arc in this show. Lets go through the list: Ao//i is pretty much the same character as when she started and goes through 2 unnecessary costume changes for a character growth that isnt there because she has literally ONE victory against an opponent that was stated multiple times to be weak and faulty and have her lose and tortured multiple times for no reason whatsoever, G//o had this weird deterioration that may have lead to something but ultimately didn't, Ak//ira is pretty much the same, J//in has ALL HIS TRAUMA ERASED SO THERES THAT, literally the only side characters who have some sembalnce of an arc are Sho//ichi (the best one anyways) from his "betrayal" in S2, and E//ma with her reconciliation with her brother. Outside of that, nothing. Yu//sa//ku, Re//volv//er and Ho//mu//ra are pretty much the only characters with an arc and even then they're not too solid? Which brings me to-

- Yu//sa//ku has been so wildly ooc since the end of S1. Ive seen so many say that his enphasis on bonds and friendship are character growth but actually looking at the sequence of events he suddenly just like. changes completely around his first duel with Ea//rth. Plus, the message of "revenge is good" was always so weird? Like, he got his revenge so all his trauma is ok now and never brought up or explored again aside from within the first 20 episodes. Theres nothing about it after that and its never built upon. The whole point of a revenge arc is to show that its BAD and yet he starts preaching that revenge is wrong AFTER he successfully gets revenge??? And even then its not exactly a revenge as it is more lashing out since it was Ko//ga//mi who was behind it all. Yu//sa/ku was definitely at his strongest characterization in S1 where we see how badly the Lo//st Incid//ent hurt him but S1 had its own share of problems that led into S2 and so many random plot threads that never went anywhere (such as the Anot//her Incid//ents, the Cy//berse deck being irl despite that A//i didnt have a physical body before then, The Bl//ue Mai//den meetup that was repeated by Nao//ki like 10 times in S2 which seemed to be leading up to something but never did, and the fact that theres 4 recap episodes in S1 already spelled some early problems). So much of the supporting cast function to just say "he turned this whole situation around...with ONE card..." i kid you not watch back every Yu//sa//ku duel I GUARANTEE you'll see someone saying hes a great duelist and serve only that purpose. ALSO THE END OF THE SHOW IS JUST MORE DRAMA?? They make him suffer for no reason other than that they can??? What purpose does his suffering at the end serve aside from just "uwu...poor baby..."???

-Re//volv//er is not a good rival. At all. He's so incredibly bland because much like Yu//sa//ku he was at his strongest characterization in S1 where he actually had some solid motivation in continuing his fathers work and being unable to accept that his dad was evil, yet most of that just flies out the window with all the collateral he's willing to inflict with the K//O//H?? All his character amounts too post S1 is "yeah i told you robots are evil and YOU didnt believe me". The most we got of him growing out of this mindset was calling A//i by his name exactly one time and nothing ever again. Also the fact that in the end we see him and his crew working for S//O//L despite the fact that they were gonna turn themselves in for their crimes just. leaves a rotten taste in my mouth. hes not a good rival at all. All he proves to me is that a good design can get anyone to like a character.

- Ho//mu//ra is...there. I literally cant say anything about him because he absolutely has the strongest motivations of the three but then the show jumps through hoops to push him to the back of the other two. He also has a bunch of early victories I do feel are undeserved (ESPECIALLY the A//oi duel that one pissed me off so much). Also the fact that the show just made him Yu//sa//kus friend immediately whereas it took Sho//ichi several months to get Yu//sa//ku to warm up to him just had me :/.

-The speed duels were a cool concept but they just became these huge cheat fests? Seriously Play//Maker uses StAccess literally every speed duel to pull out a new monster from whatever plot holes the writers need to patch up. I am not kidding. You can go back to every single speed duel Yu//sa//ku was in and youll see this. Skills just werent a good mechanic because when a protag pulls a new card its supposed to be representative of some growth/characterization but he stays the same pretty much throughout the entire show up until S2 where he wildly just switches personality. Plus the fact that Que//en could literally use a skill whenever just shows that it was cheating???

- The villains were overall lackluster. Boh//man was the best because Re//volv//er is just flat whereas A//i struck me more as an anti hero. And again: simulations are the enemy. Light//ning ran one and decided to go ham. Kog//ami ran one and decided to go ham. A//i ran one and decided to go ham. The conflicts are all the same and it just makes things happen rather than following a consistent plot thread? I will say that Boh//mans characterization of a hive mind to become perfect does strike my tastes but thats more my personal preference in villains rather than any merit he has.

- This is a bit of a personal pet peeve but I've seen some of the praise to this show about being the "darkest Y//G//O to date so therefore its good" and im just...no? Edge does not make a good show and just because they lightly focused on the tragedy in Yu//sa//kus life (and it IS lightly because its barely touched upon after mid S1) most of the stuff that happens in this show is pretty tame in comparison? The most that happened here was an attempted global hack of everyones minds from S2 and destroying the internet in S1, with a few references to the torture that happened during the Lo//st incid//ent. To compare: the previous series had this huge interdimensional war that, even if they could reverse the carding of people (which makes Den//nis' attempted suicide even more tragic), ended with an entire dimensions full of brainwashed soldier children, a dimension with huge class inequality that was still being heavily worked upon since there were canonically slaves, and a dimension that was savaged by a genocide and total global destruction. Hell, the series before that had a huge war where the arc actually did focus on the tragedys the characters faced and held consequence (even if they pulled a dbz revive everyone at the end). And as far back into the very first series there were even more graphic depictions of war and death? Idk i feel like people are overplaying the edge here just to find a way to complement this show.

Overall:

I'm...genuinely dissappointed. VR really had so many strong starting points but it all just fell apart at execution. Really the only reason I even bothered to watch it as kong as I did was because Im a longtime fan of the series and wanted to give it a chance rather than jump on whatever love/hate train the show has. Its been rated poorly on the JP side and most of the approval is a vocal minority. Just to be clear: this isnt me bashing the show, my opinions are mine and you can agree or disagree to any capacity, and even if a show isnt well written you can still find a reason to enjoy it despite the flaws.

But if Im being perfectly honest? I do not like this show. It's rushed, choppy, has no consistent or clear plot threads, most of the genuinely interesting characters are wasted for the protagonist to look better and he never really does because he ALSO has an interesting idea behind him but it never goes anywhere. It started strong but ended so poorly. Id be angry but im more dissappointed because Ive watched this show from day 1 and wanted to see the good things it has rather than focus on the negatibes but. yeah. This show really had potential and yet it just fell flat.

#zerav meta #zerav review #vr review #i really went ham on this one

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swayinghummingbirds · 5 years

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feeling a way because yesterday i found out my brother and his wife are having a baby. and idk. i didnt think that would be happening for a few years. nowim beside myself in a dark seasonal depression, this time last year we almost moved back to fl because i missed my mom and brother and hated living with treys family. instead we moved to knoxville a week before we werent to move back to fl. i had to move from pa to fl away from all of my family at the age of 11 and it was really really hard. and i hate that i just watched my little cousins grow up over the internet. and i still am. i hate the fact that everyone is getting older. one day they wont be here even to give a phone call to. i think about my grandparents. my parents. i watched my mom do exactly what i did and i hated her for it for years because she took me away from my family and everything i knew. and then i did it to myself. i wanted so badly to get out the town i was in because there were too many ghosts. i was stoned 24/7 and just full of disappointment. i do have to admit moving away helped me be able to get off of my antidepressants and now ive been very sober and am progressing at my job and making myself more vabluable and kind of making stronger relationships. sometimes i feel like ill never make a friend like kaylee again. it was just such a wholesome friendship that i miss so so dearly. i still dont have an actual friend here. i have one girl that i go to church with sometimes, shes my coworker. i feel like i dont want to make a friend because it just hurts. when i moved i didnt talk to anyone for like three months. and when i finally called my mom i just cried because i told her i felt like a disappointment. of course, i was still going through medication withdrawals but still. ive made so much progress with my mental health and spirituality. so much spirituality. its been so nice to not have someone else tell me what i should or shouldnt do. all my life id have someone in my ear whether it be family or a friend. just making my own decisions. being able to go to the store and just absolutely know i wont see anyone i know, its been a dream. but when i told my manager about becoming an aunt he said i was going to have such a great time being an aunt and went on to tell me how great it is to be an uncle and i just felt in the pits of my stomach how it felt to watch my family grow up with out me . and now if i stay here ill be doing it again. and i dont even know if ill have kids myself. sometimes i want to and other times i dont. today after work one of my favorite coworkers- id go as far to say shes probably my favorite person there and id call her my friend- was sitting in the cafe and she was crying so i sat down to talk to her and she just went on about the book she was listening to about pets and reincarnation and how they live their life and learn more and come again but she was upset because one of her cats is very old and she knows shes going to pass soon. and she tells me about how her roommates sister moved in with them and is just making her life hell. the sisters roommate doesnt like her dog, her plants, the way the furniture is. my coworker is probably over 60 years old and i just feel for her. at one point she had a house paid for had so much in the company but ended up quitting so she lost it all , she sold her house, doesnt really have any decent family she could be with. my other coworker who’s 72, is moving back to florida to be with his son. another one is thinking about moving to missouri to be his mom whos in her 70′s. my mom is going to be old one day and i dont think i want to wait that long to be able to see her often. i dont want to end up like her and her brother where they dont talk and when she does call he thinks somethings wrong. today my yogi tea tag read “life is a flow of love, your participation is requested” and i just am not sure i want this anymore. im going to be 25 in less than a month and life just keeps going and going and going. to be honest january and february are so hard for me. ive been having a hard time taking care of myself. i have no motivation to do anything. i havent had a full yoga session in over a month. i cant bring myself to cook for myself so ive been eating like shit. i take my vitamins but i know thats not sufficient. everyone i talk to are going to the gym and feeling better. i tried doing yoga today and i did a few thigns and had a little meditation which was nice, but then my neighbors started yelling at each other so i gave up and just came to my room and here i am typing this. which is very theraputic i needed to get it out somehwere but now i feel like im just wasting my life away sometimes. depression has crept back in and the sun is gone and i have no friends and no family here and my fiance and i are on opposite schedules for half the week so im just going to go to sleep maybe. if you actually read this- thanks and also sorry it wasnt meant to be read it was meant for typing it out of my mind. o rmore so so i could read it and give myself conversations and other thoughts about it all.

#blogging #long

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boyce9333bonito · 3 years

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Live streaming | UEFA Champions League |

Uefa champions league live streaming - Where to watch the UEFA Champions League | UEFA Champions League |

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LA Clippers. Los Angeles Lakers. Memphis Grizzlies. I have 1 of 2 Univision channels. I also have Galavision and Univision Deportes Network. Lague are 15 providers and Comcast is not one of them. Do you know why? Thank you so much and keep up the excellent work! It appears that the Univision games not televised on a linear channel will this year require a subscriber login. Last year, the non-televised games were available without any authentication. I think that you get the games via tudn.

From the apple app store page:. Thank you for the update on upcoming matches and for the info on channel changes. We do get some of the South American leagues here too occasionally. Select games from smaller continental European clubs are shown via mycujoo. But it appears that the other games are available on a club-by-club basis. Unfortunately, the vast majority of them are not available to viewers in the United States.

Well that is shocking! Would make sense for CBS to start their coverage early, but uefa champions league live streaming they basically brand new in covering this type of event, would also make sense for UCL to give it to someone more established in soccer for the resumption of the tournament and give CBS lead time for next year make it a 4 year deal instead of 3?

ESPN makes sense, as does Fox. As a beIN fan would also be funny if they got it and everyone complains about not getting that channel…. I agree with everything you typed. TNT network should have never gotten the Champions League TV contract as they are not a good sports covering network and do not have good qualified people to manage it.

We also cannot watch any games in English without paying, I hate listening to Univision as they only broadcast in Visit, which is a pain to my ears. A uefa champions league live streaming shame on UEFA. A big uefa champions league live streaming on TNT.

They should have never uefa champions league live streaming in winning this contract a they are simply incapable in handling it and doing a good job. No, I am not happy as CBS will start their coverage next year in It is also disheartening on why TNT stopped covering this year, they should have at least broadcasted all the games starting August 7th between Real Madrid at Manchester City, and continue coverage till the final in Lisbon website August They offer a 7-day free uefa champions league live streaming ,ive it is worth trying it.

My anger and disappointment is at Leagye for just cancelling their coverage before this season was completed. They should have at least completed this whole season. I will not miss their poor coverage anyway. I am also very angry and disappointed at stupid and greedy UEFA for not acting in a proper way to service English speaking soccer fans in the US.

Uefa champions league live streaming poor decisions are most unbecoming and very poor business I am trying to be polite here. TNT stfeaming have at least covered till the end of this season…. Their abysmal disregard to all US soccer fans is unpardonable.

Watch Champions League online: Live stream, TV channels, schedule

Agree with everything above. If streamong super elite rich person hates soccer so much they want to destroy the game in USA, then the contract to TNT and not showing the games is how you do that. Amazing TNT really had no idea what they were getting into with this. Any clue who has taken the remainder of this years CL?

CBS is next year but not Aug games. Remember that all matches starting with the quarter-finals are all going to be held in Lisbon and are single elimination matches, no more home and away matches, so these games should be very exciting. They offer a 7-day free trial.

Maybe it is worth buying this just for a month. You can watch these matches for free on Univision if you have this channel available, but it is only in Spanish. The only free way to watch these games in English is to find a free online streaming site, Google should come in handy in finding them. Again, UEFA fumbled these arrangements very badly. If we are lucky…. More matches will be available on TV too just as soon as the decisions are made on which matches will be on English-language TV.

Thank you Christopher Harris for all your help and information. This page must have been updated to include a uefa champions league live streaming of new and useful current information, which I had not seen before. We soccer fans appreciate all your good efforts. Stay well and wish you oive the best. Today, July 25,I checked what Leagke read the following on the top of this page here: Manchester City vs.

It is possible that this schedule has not been updated yet …. If and home this information is ever updated and corrected please share it here. Of course, they can always change their mind. Hi Christopher Harris, thanks for your prompt reply and explanation.

You could be absolutely right as I too expect this scheduling information to be corrected and updated closer to game day. Thanks continued lot for all your help strdaming information, we all soccer fans appreciate all that you do here. Have a wonderful day and stay well and healthy, we need you.

The advantage is you can watch this channel on your TV with this new coming app and without needing to stream it through your WiFi or Internet. Check with your TV provider. Champlons luck all. Chris do you think CBS is uefa champions league live streaming only going to show the final on all access? That seems horribly inconsistent with their prior claims. When Turner had the rights, none of the games were on over-the-air television. My question is will I able to watch the Streamkng League through my Prime account or will I have to pay for a separate subscription?

If anyone can answer this question it is greatly appreciated. Thanks Chris. If you pay…. You are right Christopher. Amazon Prime does make available many shows and channels to Prime members, the sad fact is that many of these available offers are NOT free, the customer is forced to buy their selected packages at extra cost besides paying for Prime membership. I made this fact very clear in my earlier post which was deleted from here, I uefa champions league live streaming because I was unkind to Jeff Bezos.

Hopefully this one will be fixed in time. There is no DVR offered. A great relief to have that in place. Or does coverage begin at the Playoffs? Group Stage uefa champions league live streaming How much do those rights in the past cost. How in the world does acompany only get half a tournament. I guess this is the new streaming world we now live in. Is CBS interesting getting that or later?

Real played very poorly today to have any chance to eliminate Manchester City. The only consolation for Real fans is that at least we won the La Liga championship this season. Now we have to wait till the next season starts. It has been a very sad day for all Real Madrid fans. Real Madrid lost and got eliminated because of their French Connection. He picked wrong players for this very uefa champions league live streaming game and did not srreaming players till the game championd almost over.

Even though Zidane is highly regarded as a brilliant coach his stupid stubbornness is also his downfall. I will not be sad if and uefa champions league live streaming Zidane departs Real Madrid.

His personal stubborn and poor decisions have hurt this team enormously, Had he planned smarter and more logically Real would have uefa champions league live streaming a much better chance to win and advance to the quarter-finals. Champion: Bayern Munich. You are welcome to use my tips and call your bookie and get rich. Hi guys, anyone getting rich with my accurate picks?

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weeniewrites · 3 years

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OKAY ONE LAST POST BECAUSE IM ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE AT NOT TALKING

its a more serious one though, so if you dont wanna see me be more personal go ahead and skip i dont mind. im gonna ramble abt the shame i feel with having sadistic thoughts and fears of sexual agency, and kinda, sex in general, maybe some self destructive behaviors? kinda honestly putting my soul out there. its a bit of a vent post. im not having a bad night or anything, just thinking a lot, and want to get those thoughts out of my head

i, really outta do some research on actual sadism or just, see other people who have similar thoughts cause ill admit i feel a lot of guilt about it. like id never, ever, EVER want to hurt another person, and the idea of even spanking someone consensually is very scary to me

but this isnt a new thing for me, some of the first things i found arousing as a kid involved pain. i was fascinated by inuyashas blood covered hands, and rewatched part of a youtube letsplay over and over and over again just to hear the noise link made when he got injured again. same with part of that animated 2ne1 music video where the villain grimaces when his car gets hit. these are really vivid memories for me so like, i know this isnt some suddenly new thing for me. (im also repulsed by gore but can also find it beautiful in art, and writing violent stuff is therapeutic for me but can be REALLY triggering if im reading it)

and i dont know if that sorta, anti kink purity culture thing the internets been moving towards has contributed? to that shame i feel, or if thats just my empathy acting up. because i really do care strongly for people, basically every person i ever meet. and i, sort? of understand the appeal of masochism myself, and i definitely understand the appeal of domming. but i dont understand how to control a scene, how to start up a scene, how to monitor the subs mental state, how to even take that control in the first place because even imagining doing that scares me so, so fucking badly

so i write noncon dom stuff, so i dont have to figure out how to get them there, or how to keep them safe, and i get to satisfy that deep hidden desire to scratch and claw and smile and laugh at someone shaking and crying in fear. or if its soft, just taking care of them and loving them and being loved and needed i can imagine companionship in the only way i understand how, through sex. ive had very few long lasting close friendships, ive never had a crush, and honestly im not, sure? i enjoy sex? like i like being touched but once i have to do it back i get really scared (unless we take things really slow, but im also very inexperienced). i just like being desired, or honestly getting touch of any kind and thats the only way i know how to ask for it

and i kinda, only realized that fear recently. i dont think i had it when i was 18 and I was just starting to interact with people online. but back then i wouldve never dreamed of flirting with anyone either. (had that fuckin trauma BOY HOWDY)

um, to bring this around to what brought these thoughts out, a while ago i was flirting with a friend, we just did that for fun absolutely no sexual or romantic intentions involved. and they told me about how sore they were and i responded back with a grin and giggle and a growl and a laugh and said all the different ways id love to bend and prod them to make it worse because, well, I’m a sadist. and they liked it. i got dizzy with how much i enjoyed that teasing. i literally started slurring my words and had to stop because i couldnt talk anymore, just drool and lay in a warm fuzzy heap of satisfied feelings.

and then afterwards we talked for a bit and as i calmed down and came back to myself i just, i felt like i was going to burst out of my skin, shakey and unsteady, head buzzing, nearly obsessive with the need to tell them i’d never hurt them and make sure i hadnt. so i told them. tried to keep control of myself but i cried. i was near fucking inconsolable. i was terrified i made them uncomfortable, went too far though everything was consensual and it was just flirting, not even explicit! teasing at the maximum! we’d said far spicier things before! they knew i’d never hurt them never want to hurt them never dream of hurting them. and i still cried. i felt wrong. i felt mean i felt horrible, and i’d enjoyed it

and im still a sadist, i find specific kinds of pain arousing, i dont like scarring or blood, preferring discomfort over all, and occasionally i write much much darker content that i dont find sexually appealing, but helps me get out my anger and other emotions i dont know how to process otherwise, and sometimes its just, fun? i know i dont want to hurt people, and i know these things are helpful for me, but i still feel shame

honestly a lot of the kinks or fetishes i used to like, im not sure if i do anymore, either because i just, dont, or ive realized theyre not as acceptable as i once thought, or theyre just not as common online anymore. and i dont feel comfortable sharing them, whether out of fear of rejection, or of making someone else uncomfortable. considering some of the stuff i enjoy imagining or writing i cant read myself. thats, kindof a weird contrast isnt it? (but that might also be because when i was younger, much younger, id read very dark fics, or angst, or look at gore, animal death, death and the nearly dying, as a form of self harm, purposefully seeking out what i knew would trigger me just to keep me dissociating for as long as possible so i wouldnt have to feel, and i’ll admit this is still a mild problem for me, but ive gotten leagues, leagues LEAGUES better. and i try very hard to heed warnings, because i know no one would want me to do that with their works)

cant i just have fun, do i have to have all these shames and memories to go along with this kind of stuff. whyd i find it when i was younger. why do i so closely associate porn and sex with pain when ive never really stopped consuming it. why cant i admit i just want to be held and told im important and enough instead of imagining getting dicked down by men who i both wouldnt be attracted to irl and be scared of

#weenierambles #tw vent

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shortstrangestories-blog · 7 years

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Life After Death

Part One

Do you know what it's like? To be living one day, living life normally and suddenly that stops and everything comes into question. How the life you once knew, the life you cultivated yourself, suddenly comes to an end.

There are so many stories and religions that have been developed to persuade you what happens when you die. Some say reincarnation, living as one animal and onto the next until you reach complete enlightenment, assuming you don’t mess up and aren't downgraded an animal. Some believe that the choices you make while living that determines whether you venture to heaven or hell. So many misleading results that have obviously never been proven, and how could they be?

Well, what I am here to tell you, is not what happens to everyone. I’m not sure if this will even reach anyone. But I am here to tell you a little story on what my personal experience was with death.

Chapter 1:

I was always different. Born different, and I knew it. Ever since I was a little girl, I have always the odd one out. I’m not saying I was bullied for it or anything, but my friends were different as well. I could have been the popular kid dating the best looking boy in school but I knew my place. In elementary school, I hung out with the kids who had nothing and my mom would always ask me “Why do you always bring the stray kids home?”, and it was true. It might have been the fact that I didn’t know any better, or the fact that I was just happy with them because I knew they would be true to me.

Like many other kids in my generation, I was an internet wiz. I would spend hours a day on there and by the time I hit grade 8, I was introduced to the beautiful and extraordinary world of Tumblr. If you don’t know Tumblr then you are reading the wrong story. Tumblr was this amazing community of outside kids much like me, and we all escaped to it.

Once that ended and I moved onto high school, nothing changed. I was still choosing to be the outside kid, except Tumblr introduced me to a world I wanted desperately to be apart of: The Scene/Emo kid community. Being from a small town there were maybe 2 of us in my high school alone; doesn’t help that I chose the smart school, which was full of as we called them “The Prep Kids”. Mid grade 9, I dyed my hair black and wore too much eyeliner. Got piercings all over my face, but was so outgoing in my little group of outcast friends that I absolutely adored. I was like this for much of high school.

Moving onto College, I had bleached the black hair back to a medium brown, and let it grow out. I won an art scholarship in high school, and chose to go to school to become a Graphic Designer. It was then that I met my first serious boyfriend, which is so stereotypical, I know. At this point my little group of friends had been split into two friends, one Korean girl in my class, and an old friend from high school. College had been a great experience for me. I lived on my own, got engaged to my first love, and almost graduated.

The man who I thought was the love of my life, had just been a fake prince in tin foil, and had cheated on me. That was the beginning of my bad luck and when I realized my world was crashing, and fast. My best friend Mia (the Korean girl I had previously mentioned) broke my heart and got a new best friend, and with me being the jealous type, could not deal with it.

Through my second year of college, I was a makeup artist at a local drugstore back home. I would often go back home on weekends to work and come back to school during the week. I worked my butt off throughout college, and have always been a hard worker with everything I did. In January of that year, I met the love of my life. With me working weekends at my job, I had never noticed who I worked with. One friday night, I was putting the sale tags up, just like I did every other Friday night, and I saw him. He worked as a merchandiser, and I was instantly head over heels for him. Me being the awkward young adult I was, I walked past the isle he was in and made eye contact with him and wanted so desperately to say hello, but all I could manage to get out was a “Merp”. He was medium height, about 5”7, muscular with a goatee, and with as my generation called it “Justin Bieber hair”. Before all this happened, he told me multiple times that it was love at first merp.

We dated for a total of just over two years, and I still believe we would have gotten married. Everything with him was perfect. You know those silly couples that fit so perfectly together, never fight, and are the literal definition of the perfect couple? That was him and I. We were a fairytale, and everyone knew it.

In July of that year, the Korean girl and I made up and became an unstoppable force. We were twisted sisters, often referred to as “Christina Yang and Meredith Grey” from Grey’s Anatomy. She was my soul sister, and she was my person.

The next year was a blur to me, everything was so perfect; my perfect boyfriend, my perfect best friend, my perfect full time job. At this point, I was working as a nurse, not at all what I had planned on doing 3 years ago when I started as a Graphic Design student. I had a brand new white Chevrolet Malibu, and had all my debt paid off from school, although I hadn’t graduated. Life was constantly throwing me curve balls, but I loved dealing with them even if they stressed me out. I was motivated and cultivating the life I loved to live.

Chapter 2:

As we all know, everything comes to an end. What goes up must come down. Why do all good things come to an end?

It started with my mom. She had never found her perfect person and always complained about being lonely, but I had never known how serious it was. One day, looking through an old cupboard that never had anything useful in it, I found a prescription for Prozac. I wanted to ask her about it but I knew how badly that would upset her since it was hidden in the first place. I waited for her to get home that day, but she never came home.

After a few hours, I had called the police. They were sending out a search party for her, and with her job being 45 minutes from home they had a lot of ground to cover.

Looking for comfort, I called Dan. His phone went instantly to voicemail, and I was already so frightened. I told the cops that I was going to check on my boyfriend to see if he had heard from her, and to stay there. I jumped in my car shaking, and drove as fast as I could to his house. I proceeded to call on my way there but still straight to voicemail.

I pulled up in front of his townhouse a few minutes later and noticed a car I had never seen before. Not thinking too much about it, I walked to his house and all the lights were off. Is he just not home from work yet? It was already 7pm, he should be home. I had a key to his house so I just walked in to check. All the lights were off still, but his bedroom light was on, which was barely visible from the front door. I called his name a few times, but no answer. I was still shaking.

As I approached his bedroom, I heard a woman's voice. Now I was shaking even harder. I peeked into his room and they were sitting on his bed talking about sports. I had no idea what to think and I was panicking with everything going on. By this point I was crying uncontrollably and all I kept thinking was that he was cheating; he is just like every other boy. I walked to his door and was shocked to see me. The girl was shocked as well. I froze staring at them both on his bed, shaking and crying. He was starting to walk towards me, and I was paralyzed. He touched my arm and was talking to me, but I couldn’t hear him. My vision got blurry. I wanted to vomit. She was still staring at me. He was shaking me to get me to snap out of it but all I could get out was “cheater”. I turned around in a daze and walked towards the front door, my heart was breaking inside of me. He was chasing after me but I still couldn’t hear him. I was like a zombie. I slammed his front door and ran to the car. I raced off, my tires screeching against the pavement. I called Mia, trying to get some advice on what the heck was happening in my life. My perfect life had been interrupted by a hiccup, and I didn’t know if what I just saw was what I thought it was, or just something I was misunderstanding. I didn’t care. I need to talk to Mia.

My heart finally snapped into pieces when she didn’t answer her phone. She was always eating, sleeping or in school, so it wasn’t a surprise when she didn’t answer. The comfort never came.

I got to the light around the corner from my house, which happened to be a busy highway. The light was red, and I was finally coming to my senses and able to focus. I looked in my rearview mirror and saw Dan’s car quickly approaching mine. The light turned green and I hit the gas pedal as hard as I could to get away from him. He was the last person I wanted to see at that moment. And then it hit me, literally.

Chapter 3:

What happened next, is something I don’t recall. It went blurry from there. All the anger, the sadness, the shaking, it all stopped suddenly. The next thing I remember is waking up in a hospital bed. As I came back to my conscious self, I wasn’t in pain anymore. I felt nothing.

I noticed an IV in my arm, giving me fluid as to keep me hydrated.

I looked around and everything was starting to come into focus. It was the perfect snowfall outside; slow and beautiful, my favourite weather.

I stared mesmerized for a few minutes waiting for everything else to start making sense. What happened? What about Dan and my mom? I had nothing. I hit the emergency button to call a nurse into my room. She scurried in with another patient's chart in her hands. She was short, with long brown hair tucked into a bun on top of her head. The expression on her face made it seem like I was never suppose to wake up. She seemed thrilled. How long had I been gone for? There was no indication in my room to help me figure it out, other than a small ordinary clock on my wall telling me it was 3 o’clock in the morning.

“Where is my mom?” I asked still groggy from the meds. The nurse looked at me with comfort, and informed me that she was just in the hallway with Dan.

Right… Dan. I remembered that night. I lost a piece of my heart that night. Even recalling the events of that night, I did not experience any feeling. Still no heartbreak, no anger, no jealousy. I thought it must be the meds.

My mom walked in with Dan trailing behind her, and I had never seen them both look so relaxed. They routinely asked me how I was feeling, and if I remembered anything. Thinking about it, I only remember looking in my rearview mirror and seeing Dan chasing me. “That's all I remember.” Mom and Dan exchanged looks. It seemed like they already knew what was going to be said next without even saying anything. Had they bonded that much while all of this was going on?

“It doesn’t matter what happened honey, what matters is you are safe now.”

What bothered me was not that they were bonding so well, it was the fact she said now. What did she mean now and why isn’t anyone telling me what happened?

“No seriously guys, what happened to me? Why am I here?”

Dan spoke up now, looking so heartfelt. He never looks at me like that, let alone is ever really serious with me.

“You’ve been through a lot babe, it’s best if we just let you rest now that you are awake.”

I couldn’t argue with him, this whole thing has raised the hair on my arms; this was not like either of them at all. They walked out of my room and left me to rest.

Chapter 4:

They discharged me as soon as all my vitals were stable and everything was healed. With minor bruising and some scratches, the only lead I had gotten was from my doctor, “You’re lucky to be alive.” Something really bad must have happened.

Dan had volunteered to take me home, and with my mom working that day she happily accepted. I assumed it was because he wanted to talk about what happened that night everything crashed. We got to his car and I crawled in, and as we were driving I noticed that for once in my small town, everyone was driving the way they were suppose to be. Even Dan, who is a reckless driver was going exactly the speed limit, almost as if he were retaking his driver's test. He asked me if I was hungry and if I wanted to go out to eat something other than hospital food, but I really didn’t remember eating at all in the hospital.

We went to a small sports bar for lunch, where I had ordered an omelette and he ordered a burger with fries. I sat quietly waiting for the food to come and wasn’t looking at him after what he had done. I was thankful for him taking me home and being here for me after what happened, but it still didn’t make up for what happened.

“Alicia… We need to talk. I can only imagine how you feel right now, you have no idea what happened. I know you need to know, because that's how you are, but your mom thinks it's best if we just move forward.”

Seriously? That’s what he wanted to talk about? Typical him avoiding the mistake he made. “Is that all you want to talk about? Don’t you think I deserve to know? What if I have permanent brain damage or I have arthritis pain for the rest of my life and I will never know why. Kind of selfish don’t you think?”

“I can’t go against what your mom says, she is your mom.”

“If I was in your shoes, I would tell you what happened, I have respect for you”.

He wasn’t raising his voice. Whenever we fought, he would always raise his voice even simply an octave in defense.

“Fine, you want to know what happened? I’ll tell you but you can’t act like you always know everything in front of your mother if I tell you.”

I said quiet and waited for him to tell me.

“Alicia, how much do you remember from that night?”

I had to sit and think for a moment to make sure I had all my facts straight and in correct order.

“I remember waiting for mom to get home to ask her something about her medication. Then she never came home so I called the cops and had a search party sent out. I called you and your phone went right to voicemail and in the heat of my panic, I drove to your house to make sure you were safe. I showed up, let myself in your house, and you had some girl on your bed. I ran out, got in my car and saw you in my rear view at the light and then I panicked and went through the light. That's all I remember.”

He looked down from me as the food came to the table. He looked like he was in pain, which wouldn’t make any sense to me. This is all his fault.

“So what you are saying is this is all my fault? You didn’t think I already knew that? I have been so heartbroken this whole time, because I knew you got the wrong idea.”

What on earth did he mean the wrong idea? I was enraged at this point but I sat there quietly waiting while he played with his fixings on his burger.

“You were hit by a transport truck, which was going 80 kilometers per hour Alicia. That’s what the doctor meant when he said you are lucky to be alive. I overheard the doctors talking to your mom, and apparently you are a the biggest miracle they have ever seen, or maybe ever to happen.”

I instantly lost my appetite. I had a million questions racing through my head, none of which he could possibly answer.

“Alright well, even though my head is so full of questions and information, you said I had gotten the wrong idea about you and that girl that night. Explain please, because at this point, I already feel uneasy sitting with you right now.”

“That was my cousin Hannah. We have always been super close, and you have nothing to worry about.”

Like I haven’t heard that excuse before. How stupid does he think I am?

“How come I’ve never met this cousin, let alone heard about her? She’s never been at any of your Christmas’s, or any holiday get togethers for that matter.” Caught him.

“She doesn’t live here. My aunt moved them to Ireland a few years ago, and this was her first trip home since then, and she isn’t into me, or even men for that matter.”

It makes sense, but it isn’t making me feel any better. If they were so close, how have I never heard about her before? She was gorgeous, which is what made me so uneasy seeing her there that night.

“Look Alicia. I know this is the last thing you want to hear, but I would never hurt you. You were my first girlfriend, and the last two years I spend with you were the best two years of my life. My family loves you, and I love you even more. You are a miracle.”

I didn’t know what to say back. I was so overwhelmed with information, and I still felt no relief.

He finished his burger and drove me back home. I took my plate to go since I wasn’t hungry. We pull up in front of my house and as I went to get out, he grabbed my arm.

“I love you Alicia. I hope you know that.”

I nodded my head, and froze. He reached in his pocket and pulled out a little purple box. What is happening.

“I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Over the last month, I have had so many thoughts go through my head, and I never knew if I would even get you back. I want you to marry me.”

This is not right. Dan never wanted to get married. Every time we talked about the future he would close himself off and not speak. Either something really happened to him to change him, or I am dreaming that I’m alive. The ring was beautiful, square with one big diamond and small diamonds around the band. I stared in awe and looked back at him and back to the ring.

“Am I dreaming? What happened to you Dan?”

“Let’s say I smartened up!” He laughed and I didn’t find any of this funny.

“I love you, but am I able to get back to you on that? I need to figure some things out before I agree…” I carefully took the ring, and got out of the car.

I went right up to my room, and sat in my bed. I opened the box and sat it on the other side of the bed and just stared at it, for what seemed like hours. It was beautiful and fit perfectly.

Part two out soon

#short story #death #life #smallbusiness #female #cute #sad #depression #love story #love #family #gaming #happy #supportme #follwme #please #read #this #feels #emotional

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smilesandcurls · 7 years

Text

09 October, 2017

So I fell off the wagon, didnt remember to write about my weekend. I've decided to put a reminder on my phone to do my entries into my new "journal", life journey. Because, it only dawned on me this morning how much I need this to work, and more importantly work effectively.

My subconscious, coinciding with my body lets me know when something is wrong, I've come to realize. I was irritable all day today; sweaty palms and just a general uneasiness and unfocused throughout. Throughout the day, my primary thoughts was my if its a gd idea to have my therapy/counselling ever restarting is something I'd like to do, how's my baby sister ( who's actually 17 years old ) and my mother getting into it, this threesome idea my boyfriend is pushing and my closest friends Kenlyn, Keane and Jerry, and, ofc my severed relationship with people who used to be dearest to my person, my twin sister Alisha and Yokell, who used to be one of my BEST FRIENDS and maybe even an unproclaimed lover a few years back. Ive also been thinking about doing a nude photoshoot, oh, and of course this peculiar and honestly totally unnecessary "relationship", or lack thereof, with a girl by the name of........ We'd just call her Kay. These ideas seemed to plague me of recent days for you obvious reasons.

Therapy/counselling and I have a "comme ce comme ca" type of relationship. For those of you who may read this and isn't aware of what that means, it means "so so" in French. I've never seen the used for it as I was under the impression it was unneeded and counterproductive. I also have a lot of bad connotations and memories related to such. Personally, I've looked at it from all angles and as much as I think because I'm now, finally, open to it it may work, however the universe is trying to tell me something; every time I've scheduled an appointment for the past month something goes wrong, usually with my therapist and/or her family, and we have to reschedule. Since the month began I haven't been to session, however, I was doing peer counselling with some old friends for two months prior to moving into a more personal setting and I must say, it did help. I don't know if its the fact that I was speaking to a friend or someone I looked up to that took the pressure off my thoughts and opinions, or if it just felt like I could finally find genuine Guidance and objectiveness but I did open up a bit, mostly about my relationship with my boyfriend, which was falling apart at the time and about my relationship with my mother. Until those session, I wasn't aware that my relationship with my mother and my boyfriend became synonymous. My first thoughts about restarting is what about journalling my thoughts and experiences and I have, maybe, 2 session a month OR maybe I should just continue peer conselling maybe now, with my actual best friends and not persue personal counselling at all. Having two session a month may be best in my opinion as I would have already thought things through and I'd have another party to either validate my thoughts or show me where my thought pattern may be unhealthy and wrong. Someone who would allow me the space I need to feel and think through issues without the pressure of immediately finding a solution, which was a large issue my boyfriend and I had until recent. I truly feel like I'm at a place where in capable of dealing with my issues mostly in my own, with the help of someone to help navigate my thoughts and feelings until I'm capable of doing both on my own, if the day would ever come.

My mother and baby sister have had a pretty wishy washy, mostly the latter, for as far as I could remember. She was never "a favourite" of my mother's, they rarely ever agreed on the same things and their attitudes towards each other is, and always has been truly disgusting. However, as of recent years, its truly gotten worse, which I never thought would happen because of primarily two reasons, my mother is an adulterous whore and she doesnt pay much, if any attention to Azariah at all. Let me first say, my mother, according to many therapists and research of done via the internet and her mental medical history, has a personality disorder. Which one or two or more, is up for debate. Personally, I believe she may have split personalities with acute bipolarism and she may even be schizophrenic. So, truly, I've come to realize,many times, her actions and what she says isn't her own fault. My mother has struggled with relationships since her and my father got divorced and has since self sabotaged many if not all of her relationships since then. And this relationship, she has had with my "stepfather" for the past 8-10 years have been no different. She's cheated on him with multiple men, and she hasn't been able to ever trust him fully since they've been together. Their relationship falling apart wasn't entirely her fault, as he was always absent, and dismissive. They've recently called it quits and since then our family has basically fallen apart. I, however, am grateful for this as it has caused my biological father and I to become closer and maybe even mend a bit of our issues and my mother and I have also reconciled our broken relationship. Azariah hasn't been able to do this with either of our parents, she hasnt entirely emotionally developed over the years and truly isn't capable of reconciliation due to this. This also serves as the reason why she hasn't been able to forgive my mother for her failed relationship with our "stepfather", whom, if I didnt mentioned, she's very fond of and quite literally refers and thinks of him as our one ans only father figure. She's extremely attached to him and has taken his side in the breakup, being even more volatile to mom. Because of this, she now lives with my twin sister Alisha, who eeveryone knows is a bad influence on her. We were trying to get her to live with me but because of my "alliance" with my parents she's being resistant which is making this process of custody a lot harder and emotionally draining on myself. Everything is extremely hazy with everyone's relationships within out strange family as of recent apart from my relationships with everyone, with the exception of Alisha and my "stepfather". I have generally good relationships with everyone, communication wise anyway. Maybe its best if they don't speak to each other in depth until she's healed herself from the many years of neglect and miscommunication with mom because its proving to be toxic, their conversations that is, as of now.

This threesome. God help me. My boyfriend has been pushing this as of recent, for the second time. Maybe its because we're "okay"/ "better" now that he thinks its okay to bring this back up again but I'm not ready for this yet. Right now, I'm just healing, or trying to anyway, from the hurt of the past few months between him and I, also, from the rest of my life with my parents. I've put everything and everyone's wants and needs before my own and thanks to him and counseling I've realized I need to put my needs first for a while to be the best version of myself I can be. I feel dismissed by him bringing this up again, it just feels very selfish for him to do this at this point. I should mention, him and I are in an open relationship so I'm sure the next thing I say would come as a shock to you all now, but my thoughts are, if he wants a threesome so badly, he could rounds up some other bitches and leave me out until I'm ready to move forward with this idea. Granted, I did entertain this idea previously because I did want to please him and at that point I felt like it was the only way I could think of but I'm thinking of me now and that's not gd for me at this point. I'd never stop him from doing what he truly desires so I understand if he chooses to move forward with it but at thus point, I'm not open to this idea until I've healed from the emotional and psychological abuse of the past few months with him.

Truly, one of the greatest joys in my life are my amazing friends who've stood with me since we've formed these unions. There's honestly not much I could say on this other than. I love them and I truly do need to be better people and friends to/for them. Especially Keane, my truest companion. I truly would more than likely be anorexic and maybe even insane without him. I owe him EVERYTHING I am and have. Not to discredit ANYTHING my boyfriend has done for me, because without him I'd also be much worse, psychologically weak being the main thing. My boyfriend has done everything I could ask, and more of any partner I've ever had and I'll more than like continue to live my life trying to repay him in anyway I can, which is, as I've realized extremely unhealthy thinking, which is why we ended up with so many issues in the first place. He is truly the most extraordinary person in my life without a doubt but he/we have our kinks as any other couple does. My friends deserve nothing less than the best, regardless of if thats me or someone else and I truly hope that if its not me they go out and find it regardless of if it hurts me or not. And that also goes for my boyfriend.

Alisha and Yokell. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss them as much as I love them. Alisha, my twin sister, and I haven't seen eye to eye or even been friends for about 5 years now. She's had two children and is only 19 and I haven't been able to accept this of her to this day, which, more than likely, is half of the anger I have towards her. She was in an abusive relationship for about 4 out of the 5 years her and I have had issues. In my opinion, she's a younger version of my mother, minus the adulterous whore part. Ive made my peace with our relationship never reconciling and even the fact that she may never be grateful to me for all I've done for her growing up. I've extended my hand to her on numerous occasions to fix things but I do think its for the best that we don't have a relationship. Its only going to be filled with animosity. Yokell on the other hand, my unproclaimed lover, as I've mentioned him prior, don't have a relationship anymore due to the fact that he was/is madly in love with me and I'm in love with someone else, my boyfriend who's a friend of his for years prior to my knowing either of them. The issue at hand is ever since he essentially asked me to choose between him and my boyfriend he's been terrible depressed, according to popular belief of course, and is terribly reclusive. I've been struggling to accept that thus is no fault of mine but I do believe I am responsible. Maybe if I'd told him I had feelings for him when I first discovered them things would be better, maybe if we actually had a conversation about everything or even just try to figure what is neat for us both we wouldn't be here. I truly believe I neglected him and the entire situation as I never really reached out to him past that "ultimatum" he gave me out of respect for my current romantic relationship. I've been trying to figure out if I should try to be a better/bigger presence in his life but there truly is nothing I can do really other than be in skl more often or message more and hope he responds. Unfortunately I don't know if I'm even prepared to do this at this particular point in my life.

I honestly wasn't happy with myself or my body until I started modeling, hence the thought of a nude shoot being considered. A final step to acceptance of myself in every flaw and imperfection I may have. I've already ran the idea by my boyfriend, who has yet to respond, and I'm ready for this to happen but I won't do it if he's uncomfortable but I do truly want to do this. This isn't only for my exterior but for my mental and psychological health. I've grown tremendously over the past few years and I'm proud of where I am. I'm in the right environment to go only up from here in every aspect of my life and I'm proud of myself.

My boyfriend had this odd encounter with Kay a few months into our relationship in that she was throwing her at at him and when he was about to act on it she pulled out and freaked out because not only did she have a boyfriend but she saw me as a friend. Ever since then she's totally avoided me until, I'm guessing, she made peace with it with her partner and herself, and has yet been being excessively "buddy buddy" with me as if nothing happened. I truly am not upset the situation itself,between her and my boyfriend, however, you CANNOT play me like that. LEAVE ME OUT OF THE SITUATION. DO NOT TRY TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME AFTER YOU WERE BEING FRAUDULENT. Anyway, I've been battling with myself and my boyfriend as to if I should "make and issue" of it or not. I'm truly fed up of her constantly trying to push a friendship with me. Its getting old and I'm losing my cool. I'd rather she just leave me alone and pass me like a bus but she isn't facilitating this and all I'm left with is being abrasive and rude towards her. I wished someone would just speak to her before I do because it would be nasty. I've thought maybe I'm over reacting, which I possibly am, but, I'm at my wits end and I'm truly not too sure how much longer I can keep this up.

In conclusion, I've realized based on today I've become much better dealing with my anxiety as I didn't reach for my anti anxiety meds during the day. However I did find another way to deal with these issues, I surrounded myself with friends and activities throughout the day, especially after work. I went to a football game, I had a friend over with my room mates of course, always showering me with affection and we played cards and watched movies until really late. I couldn't sleep well however, which is something I need to work on

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