So I was chatting with my fellow very mentally ill queer coworker friend about mental illness (as we do) and I mentioned how I was realizing that my wildly manic depressive response to grief wasn't... normal...

& they were like 'oh my god Yeah I've been suspecting you're bipolar for a While now' bc apparently I get in... modes... where my pupils are Huge and I'm talking a mile a minute and doing 4 things at once and even my Posture is different

And then I'll come in the next day like all the life's been sucked out of me.

& she mentioned there's type 1 and type 2, 1 being the longterm episodes & 2 being them alternating on a day to day basis. And I'm just like... damng... I sure do seem to have that 2 thing...

Apparently it's not normal to alternate between manic and depressive states! Who knew!

how did youknow youbhad bpd? what were the main "symptoms" ?? soryif it comes off as personal or uncomfy you dont hsveto answer

(im rlly rlly rlly autistic abt bpd PREPARE 4 AN ENTIRE BIBLE ABT HOW I DISCOVERED I HAD IT)

ive exhibited symptoms of bpd my entire life (it usually starts 2 present in childhood or early adulthood, it comes from childhood abuse/neglect) i only started 2 notice something was wrong in my tweens/early teens, when malachi became my favorite person and every1 was calling me mentally ill and weird and obsessive. ive known my entire life i was neurodivergent (first started therapy at 6 or 7, diagnosed with bipolar + autism + adhd + depression + anxiety RLLY early on) but there was something else that felt wrong 2 me. at that age i didnt rlly know what 2 search 4 or who 2 talk 2, so i just went on google and searched "love disorders" and obsessive love disorder came up (which isnt even in the DSM iirc) and i posted on google plus saying i likely had that and was shot down IMMEDIATELY 4 "self diagnosing" so i didnt revisit it again until a few years later.

after my breakup in 2021 i felt like it hurt WAY MORE than was normal. i stumbled across a video abt bpd during that time period and it resonated with me way 2 much. im impulsive, i have angry outbursts, im constantly suicidal, i self harm, i have extreme mood swings, i dont know who i am and ive always just mirrored other ppl, i dissociate, i have black and white thinking, i view ppl as all good or all bad and i split, i have consistently unstable relationships, i get attached 2 ppl more than i should be, and i have a paralyzing, nauseating fear of abandonment. i have every symptom in the diagnostic criteria.

i brought up the possibility of me having bpd with my mom i think (i had no one else 2 go 2 becuz all of my friends abandoned me and my parents took away my internet access) and i was shot down again, with my mom saying the CLASSIC "(insert family member) has bpd and shes crazy. ur normal. stop pretending theres something wrong with u. if u had bpd u'd be vindictive and petty and evil. do u think ur those things?"

once i figured out how 2 get my internet access back, maryland dude forced the bpd label on2 me becuz he wanted 2 explain my "abusive" behaviors (he was abusing me but tried 2 gaslight me in2 thinking i had a victim complex and that it was the other way around) and i became uncomfortable with the label becuz he made it seem like if i had bpd then i was a bad person. i continued researching the disorder becuz it still resonated with me even though i was now insecure abt it.

i became comfortable with the label again after he abandoned me, and i brought it up with my therapist. my therapist would HEAVILY DENY that i had bpd, telling me that "if u had bpd u would be attempting suicide 4 attention" "u fit the diagnostic criteria but ur autistic so all of ur symptoms can just be attributed 2 autism srry" "ive had clients with bpd and if u were like them u wouldve had an outburst in my office and be yelling at me by now" and she would even smile at me whenever i brought up my bpd becuz she thought it was funny that i thought i had it, i think. the first time i brought it up with her she told me "its rlly irresponsible 2 self diagnose after reading liek two articles online abt some extreme disorder becuz u think ur broken. ur not broken. dont self diagnose with bpd" and i had to EXPLAIN 2 HER that i wasnt self diagnosing and that id researched it in depth 4 years actually and that she was making assumptions. horribly ableist towards ppl with cluster b disorders, this is a MASSIVE RED FLAG but i didnt switch therapists becuz i was still living with my parents at this point and i felt out of control in every aspect of my life 4 this reason, i didnt even see switching therapists as an option.

then in 2023, while i was homeless, i got evaulated by a psychiatrist. i discussed my bpd with him and finally got diagnosed. i told my therapist i was diagnosed with bpd and she said something like "well im not always gonna be able 2 catch everything" BUT I WAS TELLING U ABT MY BPD 4 MONTHS!!!!! so glad i dont have that therapist anymore but now i dont have one at all, so liek.. hrmmm >:c

im gonna end this by saying.. self diagnosis is valid!!! its so hard 2 get a bpd diagnosis becuz its so demonized and stigmatized, that even those in the mental health system r ableist towards the disorder and those who have it. diagnosis is not always an option with disorders like bpd, and thats so frustrating. its so hard 2 find help becuz every1 thinks ur crazy. but ur not crazy!!! i love all my fellow bpders, i know how agonizing and it is 2 live this tormented life. if u suspect u have bpd, the bpd community welcomes u and supports u!!! and i do 2 :3

hi. i feel so awfully bad and i need somewhere to vent and im so sorry to do it here but i need someone to just. tell me what to do or how to feel. this is pathetic and i apologize and you can always just dismiss this ask. sorry.

but, see, i'm in high school (already inherently bad) and i have no friends but my boyfriend. he is really an amazing dude and i know i shouldn't send this to quote unquote misandrist blogs but whatever. he is truly fantastical, somehow.

as i said, i have no friends, and it's been that way for... a good while, aka years. i've been bullied a considerable amount and my mind itself is not the prettiest landscape. i am frequently alone, constantly lonely, and rarely happy. my only relieves are my family (sometimes, not even always because it can be a very toxic environment too) and my aforementioned boyfriend.

he has helped all the way through my eating disorder and all other troubles - i don't self diagnose, but, just so you can get an idea, the BPD and depression type. we see each other every day at school. he is the only person i know i can always count on. the two only other people i sometimes talk with and laugh with, both girls ive known forever (been at this school since kinder), are often pretty mean and have no problem ignoring me when they want to. my boyfriend never does that. never has.

but now he is changing schools too because he also is having a shitty time without much friends. and i cannot change schools because of budget. but i simply don't know what to do without him every day in my life. i dont know who'll help me when ive been so down i cannot listen at all in class and cannot understand the work. i dont know who i'll sit with. i don't know how i'll have lunch all alone and feel this invading me again. he had helped me be calm so many many many times and now it's so gone and i'll be without anyone once more and i've been proven right that everyone ends up leaving me. he'll have a better life than me and i'll stay in this cursed place imprisoned while he is out meeting people so much better than me in all aspects. he swears by his mother he'll keep in contact and not fall for anyone else but how am i supposed to believe that when i am so inherently unloveable? why wasn't i enough for him to not leave? why does he leave when he can still hang out with me? why can i be able to endure having no friends, but he can't?

there's no way to convince him to stay, and i don't want to go around begging him and, even worse, affect his academic future, given he is going to a "better" school.

i'm so sorry. i send this to u because everyone else here on radblr is like. 30. and that'd be uncomfortable for both.

please remember u can just delete this. god. sorry again

i know this feels like the end of the world right now but it'll pass. i've even graduated postgrad now but i haven't finished high school that long ago really, and for the first couple of years it was basically the same for me – minus the boyfriend lmao. i know it sucks. teenagers were fucking horrible in my time so i can't even imagine what they're like in 2024. i am so sorry you're in this rut right now but remember that even if it feels so far away high school will eventually finish! it'll be so liberating, and it'll be easier to find people you actually want to spend time with, especially if you continue your studies.

it pains me that you're putting so much importance on a single person who is not you. the only piece of advice i can really give you is to try to get to know yourself a bit more, and get to the root of your discomfort – you're not inherently unlovable, your life experience might have lead you to integrate that into your belief system because it's a normal reaction to the bullying. i know it's easy to say and hard to do but you must learn how to be comfortable with yourself because at the end of the day you're the person you're going to spend your entire life with. your personality will shine through and the people who are right for you will eventually find you. (fuck those mean "friends"! you deserve better)

you're young so i know everything is so intense for you right now, and i understand, honestly i usually don't respond to anons like these cause idk if i'm equipped to give real advice, but really i was an infamously shy weirdo loner and everything gradually got so much better towards and after the end of high school and now i'm literally unrecognizable lmao while the "cool" people in my class stayed the same... and they were only really "cool" in high school. this entire post sounds like a cliché i know lmao but it all changed once i realized that these people ain't shit... but i am lmao. because i slowly got to know myself, figured out what i liked doing more than anything else (listen to music), and specifically because i told myself so. i started standing up for myself against some things that i wasn't okay with, like bullying (and for a considerable amount of times i was bullied by teachers lmao). and i wasn't always successful but it helped build my character in the long run. i also stopped reacting to stuff that was going wrong by being self-deprecating or making suicidal jokes, even if they were just in my head, and replacing them with some flavor of "i can't wait for this moment to pass/high school to finish". it sounds stupid but it really works. and it gives you something to look forward to. i really wish you the best

blank period karin is one of the most interesting, complex versions of karin but there's a dearth of content that's dedicated to her in that era

a lot of the content ive seen that features blank period karin is like, sssk fic where she shows up to deliver the baby and is either like, mean or depressed about it, and maybe she and sakura have a moment and become besties, but usually she's there as set dressing, or to like, put the nail in the SK coffin

and like, that scene is absolutely something id want to dig into as a dirty little karin fan, but there's plenty of other shit i think a good karin-centric blank period fic could hit

this list got mad long so here's a read more. check it out.

the creeping, gradual realization that sasuke is not coming back for team taka and will be settling/based out of konoha

generally, any sort of wrangling/reconciliation between sasuke and taka after the war when he's in his new and improved grown up state of mind. if not this, then dealing with the frustrating realization that sasuke will continue to associate with orochimaru and taka whenever he needs anything, while having no intent to maintain serious personal bonds with any of them

in relation to the above, karin havign to deal with the fact that she's probably the only member of taka who is bothered by this, since juugo tends to be passive, and suigetsu is independent enough that if sasuke is fine just being LDBs (long distance bros), he would be totally chill with that. karin!!! not so much

and like i said this would be stuff other than the sarada stuff, but like WHEN the sarada shit happens, how karin approaches the entire sarada situation, whether its like, instant love bc its sasukes kid, or something she needs to force, bc holy shit is that an emotionally complex situation, and holy shit does sasuke do her no favors by asking her to deliver his literal child

aside from the sasuke bullshit, i wanna see karin wrangle with log/mitsuki/other babies(???) being grown in the lab while having no blood family of her own while also being unlikely to ever have her own children

karin also wrangling with the fact that she's creating entire human beings, presumably so that they can be experimented on by orochimaru, which isnt new per se, but is new in the sense that shes now an adult who may or may not have more complex feelings towards helpless children (esp after sarada)

the fact that juugo apparently takes off from taka at some point, and karin and suigetsu either go separate ways or begin working in different hideouts

literally????? any kind of revelations regarding her heritage??? the fact that she busted out the chakra chains in the middle of the war in a very conspicuous moment?? shes a cousin of the future hokage???????? one of two uzumakis left in the world, and the only known pure blooded one, presumably?????????

also this is probably where karin experiments with The First Guy Who Is Not Sasuke, which either fails gloriously in a murder-tinted kinda way, or is wayyy too normal for her to ever be able to maintain it

ALSO i dont think theres a lot of fic that address the long term toll of karin using her healing bites, and it seems like young adulthood would be the time where any wonky shit would present itself

basically i think there should be more fic about how complex karin is in this era, how she tackles leaving behind the sasuke era of her life and forming an identity separate to that, to the extent that she may or may not try to, and she may or may not succeed

Im doomed and This is my final destination..

Some people are born to set examples while others grow to be made an example of and im becoming one and i dont wanna see how thats going to end for me, other than suicide. Either ways.

My life is so colorless and i can barely get out of my bed to pee

I dont drink water anymore

Or eat much

I haven’t had food in 4 days and im not even phased

Im so unbelievably ill

Its like my depression is so bad it literally paralyzed me, mentally numbed me that i dont even care about my eating disorder, or my manic episodes anymore, everything is meaningless now even my anxieties and nightmares.

I never catch up until the damage is done good.

Nothing ever matters to me.

Mostly because nothing is ever under my control

Ive always felt like an outsider everywhere i went, maybe its cos im fat maybe its cos im black maybe its because im dumb and ugly or just chemically unbalanced.

I have fought to be normal and to belong every single day of my life just to end up failing at every simple little task i dealt with, just like how i failed every single thing in my life, somehow ill always mange to end up being the weirdo and the target.

I don’t understand how people can stand to be in a room with me.

Im the worst friend, the worst person I’ve known all i do is self destruct

Ruin relationships

Make everyone feel so fucking awkward and uncomfortable

Lie lie lie lie

Im so fucking ugly inside and out I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise but ifs impossible to ignore the truth.

Badly wired like shit

Im so sorry for all of this and what i am

I hate myself so much

I cant even look in the mirror without breaking down i don’t recognize myself anymore

Not even photos

I shaved my head and its so grown and i missed all of it

I’ve missed on major life events, mine and my friends unfortunately i cant take that back

It eats me up alive because there is no excuse for disappearing from thr people i love without notice, there is no way i can bring the days back. The hopes and dreams that we had, the lives we thought we were going to lead once we grew older together, your life is going to be much more better than the dreams weve dreamt once upon a time my friend and knowing that makes me the happiest person alive. Im so sorry to any friend i hurt and i might hurt. Im sorry.

I feel like someone ought to understand why im doing what im doing

nobody deserves to be burden with my stupid meaningless issues.

I have no memories or attention spam anyways

I dont remember anything

Ive been erasing who i am

I just thought this was rock bottom yet i somehow still manage to dive deeper to the lowest point

And the drugs dont work anymore and when the music starts to sound more like background noise without any significance to the words, i know my time is near.

Mental illness, lack of religion, brainwashed im probably going to be called all that but for once in my life i want to not care, call me that so fucking what ill be dead anyways we’re all going to die. Isnt life meant to be a test? This is it.

For once in my life i want to have a say in anything, i want to make a decision on my own and i want that to be my first and last decision i make, just once please.

I do miss believing. When i had religion i had peace and sometimes i wish I listened to my parents and never questioned anything, it would’ve been so much better, different, drastically different than this, different waves of depression but with more stability, anything but this. I wanna believe in something again but it’s kinda too late for me because i can barely look at my reflection and believe what i see.

Im so sorry mama n baba, i would kill myself to give you a better life and a different prodigy wannabe daughter but i just keep taking from you im just a waste of money and resources and i cant bare the guilt anymore, I thought I could fix it but im in too deep. The truth is so disappointing and embarrassing i think i would rather do anything than to face you after you learning about who i am, i dont know what to say than im really so sorry from the bottom of my heart the entirety of my being im sorry snd I love you and i love you and im so fucking sorry that i am the way that i am. Thank you for always being attentive thank you for giving me unconditional love and for making me feel the safest ive known, i know its not easy being my parent, you’ve done amazing and youre doing amazing still. You were just kids who didn’t know anything yourself, i wish that you can somehow forgive me. I fear a lot of things in this world but knowing that my parents could disown me and hate me if they learn my truth, it cripples me. I love you so much mama i love you so much baba. I wish i could give you one last hug one last time but youre a thousand miles away.

To my sisters,

My 2 beautiful sisters, you know.

Im the luckiest person to have had my sisters with me in this life. What a ride, The definition of the word sisterhood. I would take a bullet for my sisters in a heartbeat. Im so sorry

About everything, i hope you can forgive me, i know it grows conflict in your religion, but know that i am going to be at peace now and you dont have to worry about your baby sister anymore. Im not your liability anymore. I hope you grow old to become everything you both ever wanted. I love you so unbelievably much. I love you so much and im sorry. Im going to miss you like crazy. Im going to hug you both again someday somehow.

I dont know when but soon ill be gone, i have a lot to say but i dont feel like leaving anything behind because i dont want to be remembered or cried upon, im selfish for thinking that no one would think to shed a tear for me I know its not true but I don’t want to think about it, once again im a lesson to be learned. Its going ti be better for everyone in the long run. I’ll be more beneficial when im gone<3

I remember i was 12 thinking about suicide, then 15 attempting suicide, promised myself that i would take my life by 18, now 22 surprise surprise im still here.

I’ve always been fascinated by death, I’ve always planned my death it became so normal i would daydream about dying before going to bed and I remember when i was younger during my religious phase, I thought that i could kill myself ages 12-15 so all my adulthood responsibilities and the sins that accompanies that gone avoided too.

I remember thinking it wont count id be tried as a child that god will understand why i killed myself and will somehow sympathize and send me to heaven as if “god” is the highest judge in some sort of fancy supreme court or something that id have to defend my soul for that. I was a fucking child but it was smart. I wish ive done it tho; shouldve listened to the voices huh.

Whatever, im just lonely and bored out of my mind, I feel so old worthless and unaccomplished like I became everything i didnt wanna be, and there’s no going back.

Waadeena, you know that i would give you the world x

“goodbye”

[todoroki X female!reader] 

Warnings: swearing, angst, inevitable sadness, small suicide mention, small suicide themes

summary: it was time to tell him how you have really been feeling this last year, sadness, depression, anger, hatred, envy, alone, unloved, 

A/N: idk, i just got a random wave of angst so,,,here you go. :)

you were sitting at your kitchen table, crying your eyes out. why did it have to be like this? it was so unfair...

Shoto Todoroki, your ex boyfriend from a year ago. he broke up with you because he “lost feelings.” bullshit. he just used you to get to another girl, and you were stupid enough to fall into his trap. the media didn’t help either, with both of you being pro heroes...it didn’t take long for everyone to find out about your breakup.

and now here you were, crying and clutching onto a wedding invitation like you were choking the air out of it. he had the audacity to invite you to his wedding, full well knowing of your past relationship. none the less, you went to the wedding, You were gonna tell him how you have felt this past year.

making it to the wedding, you wanted to barf. seeing him already was sickening enough, what were you going to do when you saw his bride? reluctantly you stayed, mingling with old classmates and other pro heroes. 

“(Y-Y/N?)? is that you?” you herd a voice call you.

you turned around to see no other than your best friend, Tsuyu Asui. or better known as ‘The rainy season hero: froppy.’ you haven’t seen her ever since your breakup, you pretty much stopped seeing anyone after that day.

“t-tsu!! its so nice to see you again!!” you cheered while giving her a hug.

the girl smiled and hugged back before pulling away to fully see you again. “are you doing ok? you haven’t seen anyone of us ever since you broke up with Todoroki, ribbit” 

you sighed, inevitably knowing this was gonna be brought up. “i-ive been doing great actually!! i mean...about ten mental breakdown a week, but thats normal anyways...so, what about you?”

she stuck out her tongue slightly as she put a finger to her chin and looking away, making her seem like she was deep in thought. 

“everything has been pretty normal, nothing really exiting has happened yet..”

you nodded and hummed in agreement, i guess everything was doing fine without you, wonderful. what a perfect way to make you hate yourself even more.

your conversation with your friend was interrupted by Izuku, todoroki’s best man it looks like, telling us to take our seats for the wedding. i growled under my breath, not wanting this to happen. not one bit.

i took a seat next to Tsuyu and patently waited for the ceremony to start. everyone turned their heads to watch everyone walk in from the outside. first it was Izuku with Mina, Kirishima with Jirou, Denki with Uraraka, and Iida with Momo. everyone had similes on their faces, while you didn’t. you didn’t want to be here at all, 

but then the moment you dreaded came, she walked out, with her white dress and her beautiful hair down and curled up, her vial following behind her as her dad walked the bride down the aisle. everyone stood up, but you refused, you would not show respect to her. not. at. all.

she f i n a l l y reached todoroki as the priest began the ceremony, saying his things he asked the bride to say her vows. 

“Shoto Todoroki, i love you so much and i am so thankful to become a Todoroki. you make me feel so happy and you make me smile more than anyone can. i can’t wait to grow old with you, i want to be together forever, and maybe even start a family...i cant imagine what my life would be like without you, Shoto...” she said as she slipped his ring on his finger.

“i, Shoto Todoroki, love you so much also. i have had relationships in the past and i thought they were the perfect one. turns out they weren’t. you are the perfect one for me. i love you so much and i will be willing to sacrifice anything to make you happy, i love your smile, your laugh, your everything. i want to start a family with you. i want to grow old with you. and after today we can do that, i love you so, so, so, so much...” Todoroki spoke while also slipping on her ring.

damn those words h u r t to hear. ‘i have had relationships in the past and thought they were the perfect one. turns out they weren’’t’ 

 he directed that towards you, making everyone oblivious to your past and think he is just talking about high school crushes. what a douche bag.

 the priest looked into the crowd before saying, “speak now, or forever hold your peace!!”

well this was your time to shine, you stood up and walked out into the aisle so then you could be seen better.

“(Y-Y/N)? w-what are you doing?” todoroki asked, shock filled in his voice and eyes.

   “Shoto Todoroki, my ex. must be nice to be in love huh? you said you were in love with me, what happened? found another bitch to fuck instead?”

everyone gasped as todoroki took a protective stance in front of the girl.”(Y/N) what is this about?”

“what is this about? ha! its about you of course!!! silly you!!! apparently you can’t remember what you did to me that day, one year ago. you told me you lost feelings when literally the next day you started dating that spoiled brat. you failed to notice how i felt. you broke me, i graciously handed you my heart, my love, and you didn’t want it. instead you took a knife and stabbed it many, many, many times. you lied to me. you could of grown some fucking balls and could of asked her out. but nooooooooooo you had to be a back stabbing prick!! this past year i have been in my house, crying myself to sleep every night. contemplating suicide, falling into a even deeper depression, and even trying to commit suicide!!! i love you Shoto!!! i loved you so very very very much!!! and yet you still chose to fall for that fat ass bitch!!!”

everyone was speechless, nothing to say at your outburst. yes it was disrespectful, mean, and horrible. but you had to get your feelings out.

finally todoroki deiced to speak up. “you need to realize, its time to move on. maybe if you weren’t so obsessed with me and actually cleaned yourself up. maybe, just maybe someone would love you.”

this took you aback and made others gasp audibly. “you dont understand” i said with tears in my eyes. who the fuck does he think he is for telling me that no one was able to love me? 

“oh so i don’t understand now, what are you? a angsty teenager? get over yourself” 

that was the last straw.

“listen here jackass!!! i did everything i could in our relationship to make it last!!! you just used me!! you dont understand how i feel!!! i feel betrayed!! because i was!! maybe it was a mistake even having a crush on you!!! i should of ended my feelings before it escalated!!! i hate you todoroki!!! i hate you!!! i hope you die a slow, horrible, gruesome death!!! and then i will be dancing and spitting on your grave!!! how dare you disrespect me like that!!! how dare you disrespect a women!! go buy some fucking respect women juice because you clearly need it!!!! so stop acting like the spoiled, rich ass two-year old you are, and fucking realize what you did wrong and apologize!!!” you screamed

everyone looked at me like you was insane, maybe you were. who knows?

“get out.” was all he said.

“fine, goodbye bitches. good riddance!!” you said as you walked out. flipping them off with both hands.

you felt better getting that off of your chest. maybe you shouldn’t of done it at a wedding. but they both deserved the wedding crash.

A/N: idk how to end this...but yea...i was feeling really angsty and was just like “why not?” it probably is trash but whatever-  :p ;-;

(Part 2) Cloud Strife and his Mental Illness

a.k.a Psychiatric Disorder

| 1. Memory | ⇦ Click if u havent read it yet

2. Hallucinations, Illusions and Delusions

Since these three things relate well with Cloud's troubled memories, I'll be talking about them first before jumping to his Confused Personality

This post will bore u a bit or maybe a lot 😂 it depends. If ure interested with psychiatric stuff, u'll find this enjoyable as much as i do

Disclaimer : I'm 21 and still a tiny meany student. During my intern at Psychiatric Department, I learned and witnessed psychiatric problems from real life patients. And since Cloud (my fav FF character) has psychiatric issues, I'll be sharing some of my knowledge and interpretation of Cloud's character. Im not diagnosing him, rather i'm giving my own opinion about his status

@nibelheiim created a post about dissociation, she explained about hallucination, PTSD and more. Come and check her out! Her words were more direct and easier to understand. She explained about Psychological matter and she's a real psychology student too!

While my explanation will be more focusing on Psychiatric Topic and words used will be more complicated (with grammar errors). My facts will be based on ICD 10 and DSM-IV

A lot of people were confused with these three terms - Hallucination Illusion Delusion - These terms associated with abnormalities of perception. It is important to understand that this abnormality holds two keys; ● 1. Perception is the process of becoming aware of what is presented through the sense organs. ● 2. Imagery is an experience originating within the mind that usually lacks the sense of reality that is part of perception.

Abnormalities of perceptions have 4 theme, but I'll be focusing on two major types that relate with Cloud: (i) Hallucinations ; (ii) Illusions. Some cases, perception can be normal in intensity and quality but has a changed meaning for the person who experiences it - it is called as Delusional Perception. It is not an abnormal of perceptions, rather it is a disorder of a person's thinking.

Try guessing, how many from these terms does Cloud has?

1. Hallucinations

- A perception experienced in the absence of external stimulus to the corresponding sense organ. Eg - patient hears a voice when no one is speaking within a hearing distance or patient sees something approaching him when visually no one is there. There are 2 qualities to determine a hallucination: ●it is experienced as a true perception●it seems to come from outside of the head●

The above gif, where Sephiroth suddenly appear again before Cloud's eyes even able to touch Aerith's shoulder, it illustrate perfectly the 'Visual Hallucination'. No one can see Sephiroth, other than Cloud himself.

Cloud [Remake] kinda had anxiety when he stared at the fire and later he saw Sephiroth surrounded with flames, then poof, that silver guy disappeared along with the images of fire. He said he was hallucinating stuff after the first bombing mission. Idk how Sephiroth could create fake images of fire around him, either Cloud was really hallucinating or it was really Sephiroth that came to see him. But, this is what we call as 'Visual and Auditory Hallucinations'. Cloud SAW Sephiroth and HEARD him talking when no one else did. I can also add in 'Tactile Hallucination' because he probably felt the burning sensation on his skin from the flame around him that caused him to feel hot and sweating, or probably it was his anxiety that caused him sweating upon meeting Sephiroth with the flashback of his burning hometown

Hallucinations can occur in all sensory modalities; visual, olfactory, auditory etc. In the Remake, the Whispers could only be seen by certain people. To those who couldnt see it, they would be puzzled what was happening to u, and would've thought that u were hallucinating something, like in the case of Aerith.

In Cloud's case, perhaps Cloud [In OG] had auditory hallucination due to his severe case of Mako Addiction. But then, that wasnt exactly a hallucination though, cuz the thing he said "'Coming.. They're coming" was actually true. A monster fell from the sky.

Other 'hallucinations' that Cloud had was the images of Sephiroth that appeared in certain headache. Cloud may claimed it was his hallucinations, but i've read it somewhere that says it was really Sephiroth appeared before his eyes. Sephiroth was messing with Cloud's mind, trying to break his mental in order to control him. However, IF IT WASNT SEPHIROTH that came, Cloud's 'hallucination' would be known as a mental disorder that may lead to severe case - eg Schizophrenia.

2. Illusions

An illusion is a misperception of an external stimulus. It often occur in several circumstances: (i)level of sensory stimulation reduced (ii)attention is not focused on the sensory modality (iii)level of consciousness reduced (iv)being in a state of intense emotion- fear.

Does Cloud has it? Urm, maybe? Well, it can be proven when he saw his 'noisy neighbour next door' as Sephiroth. As stated above, illusions occur in 4 conditions, and Cloud was in number (i) and (iv). When Tifa yelled him to stop, Cloud came back to reality and got really confused when the 'Sephiroth' that attacked him was actually a sick guy. We can also add in 'Hallucinations of Deep sensation' in this scenario bcause Cloud experienced the feelings of being pushed down by 'Sephiroth'.

However, we all know that 'Sephiroth' was real at that moment. For Cloud, he thought it was an illusion, but for us the audience, it was a real thing.

If u want a better explanation and example, try watching Joker the movie. The main theme of the movie was 'mental illness'. There are lots of scenes that shows different type of hallucinations, illusions and also personality disorder.

3. Delusions

a.k.a fixed false belief. A belief that is held firmly despite evidence contrary. A delusion is nearly always a false belief but not always so. There are around 11 types of delusions according to the book. Half of it may suggest Shcizophrenia. Schizophrenia is certainly not in Cloud's case. I've studied one by one the type of delusions and none of them match with Cloud FF7.

I will surely give anyone a good punch in the face if they dare to say Cloud suffers from Schizophrenia. I've met with bunch of patients having it, and the way they see this world is totally different from us.

In some other cases, eg a spiritualist convince a person to believe in his spiritualism and he present with contrary evidence to the non-believer. This non-delusional belief is called 'overvalued ideas'

Overvalued ideas is an isolated , preoccupying and strongly held belief that dominates a person's life and may affect his action. One of the easiest example i can come up with; a friend who had skin cancer may be convinced to her roomate that cancer is contagious, and her roomate suspects any abnormal skin conditions she has is an evidence to show she too, may have developed the same cancer, when the truth is, she's just completely fine.

It is very hard to distinguish between a delusion and overvalued ideas.

I had a patient, he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. He looked like an ordinary man, but when he talked, it sounded so unreal. He said he had jumped off from 10th floor several times and didnt get a scratch from it. He believed he wont die bcause he had gained super power. He even convinced me to try his 'so-called-secret technique- on how to survive a jump. By doing that often, I will have a superpower like him - a strong physical body. Up until now, I still dont know if he was being deluded with his thought or he was overvalued his idea, bcause from his psychiatric record, he did try to jump off from the second floor of his apartment's balcony a few times.

So, Im not really sure of myself did Cloud [FF7] really had delusion or not. Well, he believed he made it to SOLDIER bcause he had mako eyes. But was it something we called as delusion or was he just overvaluing his idea? He didnt know the truth and his memory messed up. No one could explain to him why he had Mako eyes, except Prof Hojo and Zack who knew the truth

Besides, after Tifa helped with his memory, Cloud accepted the fact he wasnt in SOLDIER. For patient who deluded with their own thoughts, they hardly could believe what people told him.

However, surely Cloud [in AC] had delusions of guilt and worthlessness due to the fact that he believed he had done something shameful and sinful - the main trigger of this theme was, he got infected with Geostigma while he was searching a cure for Denzel. Cloud got depressed with the loss of Aerith and the memory of Zack death had returned, but I think he was recovering very well in that two years time skip. The moment he got Geostigma, he became deluded he was worthless and his depression kicked in again.

Hallucinations and Illusions are normal to be experienced by healthy people, but it wont be if u encounter too many hallucinations & illusions in 2 weeks time. Believe it or not, a lot of people around us are actually mentally ill bcause some of them may have excessive certain delusions, such as delusions of jealousy, grandiose delusions, nihilistic, paranoid etc. Although 'it is consider as normal' in a few circumstance, a few cases need to refer to psychologist and in severer cases, must refer to psychiatrist. If u follow Dr Phil's show, u'll see a bunch of patients have different kind of crazy delusions.

Overall from my statement above, I would conclude that since Sephiroth always appear before Cloud's eyes, this resulting Cloud to think he has both Hallucination and Illusion, when in fact, he's just a normal guy with amnesia and personality confusion. Cloud doesnt have Delusion like how many fans said, neither he has an overvalued idea, even with the evidence of Mako eyes supporting his reasoning + he's a great fighter. I will have to say that perhaps it is his brain defence mechanism that tricks his mind to believe he is a Soldier.

If only Sephiroth stop disturbing Cloud's life, it will be a lot faster to fix Cloud. Tifa alone will be the main strength to get Cloud back to normal. Ah, but this is the beauty of the game. Life wont be exciting without the presence of a beautiful villain and a love triangle (Tifa-Cloud-Sephiroth). Lol Technically I see them trying to fight for Cloud's mental health. Tifa wants to help Cloud with his mental status while Sephiroth is trying to destroy it. Lolololol

My crack theory : Sephiroth says he's going to take Cloud's most precious thing, and he ends up choosing to kill Aerith, but ofc there's another reason why Aerith got killed. But if Sephiroth kills Tifa first, I think he can take over Cloud's mind faster, because then, no one will be holding Cloud back. Honestly no one can ever will, not even Aerith. So does that mean Sephiroth doesnt know about Cloud's deepest secret or is Cloud just good at hiding his weakness?

I WILL UPDATE THE NEXT POST LATER because I've reached tumblr limit images agaiiin. The next part will be focusing about his personality - Personality Disorder

If there is any part that I've mistaken, pls correct me. I'm sorry for my english. English is not my native language, so there are plenty of grammar errors.

i know i have become a shit post queen but this site is a good place to just dump thoughts when i’m too lazy to actually write them down so don’t mind me. also i’m “ok enough”. like i’m not ok-ok but i’m not like badly not ok. 

ok? anyway.

so idk what it is. being raised by emotionally distant parents esp my mom or the depression thats probably also related to that but man i just feel so empty for such long periods of time. empty, or maybe detached is a better word. and just really really restless. and also that when i have good emotions, i dont feel them all that much. idk. sometimes i feel like i’m on the outside looking in on my life. i have a lot of feelings but then at the same time i dont. maybe because i repress a lot then it all builds up and explodes. idk. its awful though. 

i also feel like i have two very distinct sides to me. half of me is like fuck this shit i just want to self destruct but i wont because i’m too responsible to do that and the other half is like wow life is so interesting i am a spirit not a body and i want to be an enlightened being. neither of those sides of me is less me than the other. neither is a farce or anything but its fucking hard for those two sides of me to coexist. the only middle ground, which is probably like 1/3 of the time how i feel, is blah. neutral to absolutely everything.

and i think ive talked about this before but before the whole corona/quarantine thing i was at this extreme level of DONE with feeling isolated in my life, esp as a sahm. done with falling into the trap of believing being a mom was my whole identity (and its definitely a part of it, of course. but i think its unhealthy for moms to think its all we are) like i totally lost myself for a while. my daughters birth being traumatic and her having potential life long complications (and ‘potential’ meaning, her diagnosis is so complicated. theres never going to be a time where we get a real “all clear”. some kids have developed seizures again way down the road, especially at certain ages where kids go through a lot of development.) and then ofc just raising a child with all of that going on, plus normal toddler craziness, plus having a kid who is super hyper and smart and amazing but parenting after having a difficult relationship with your own mother is one of those things that is really hard and not talked about enough. i never feel like im doing enough. i never feel like she likes me.i know thats so stupid but i really am that insecure about my parenting, no matter how hard i try. i just want my child to love me and sometimes toddlers do things that make you feel like crap (ex ‘i dont want u mom i want daddy!’ and i can rationalize it, dad’s the exclusive parent. i’m just here all the time like the furniture. i get it.) and its just a big complicated thing with my emotions. not what i was trying to say tho i got off track.

anyway the isolation thing. so i had a plan. a plan!!! i have this one awesome long time friend, honestly my only friend outside of my husband who knows me like the good bad and ugly, has known me for a very long time, and has been there for me through some really tough shit. he’s like the brother i never had, truly. (i have a biological brother but we dont really talk.) so i talked to him about things i was going through and he’s also been going through a challenging time in his life and he told me he’d help me get out there. we were going to force me to learn to socialize and make friends in “real life” by putting me in those situations. we were going to go to some poetry club. a show downtown. like i was ready. then corona happened. and my already crawling out of my skin isolation got worse because hey we cant do anything now, not even see my one friend. 

so yeah. i was fine in the beginning of all this because i figured, hey by may itll be over! then hey by june! then maybe 4th of july. which has become, my daughter is so excited about her birthday party in august and i dont even know if i can throw her one and i dont know how to deal with this or explain it to her.

i know this is major first world problems and im all over the place and i document this dumb shit because i hope one day i’ll be so far past it and be able to look back and think well wow i made it through 2020  but yeah idk

i think part of it is i’m turning 27 in two weeks and my saturn return thing is just getting so close and i’m starting to see the beginning of shit in my life crumbling underneath me. like i know what i gotta do. i  have to put myself out there. i have to get out of my safety zone. and i have to use my gifts to help others not just sit here drowning in my self pity but obviously its hard to challenge yourself and put yourself out there, literally, during a pandemic. 

and the last point which is just something that boggles my mind about myself that i dont understand. like i’m definitely depressed. i have very bad anxiety too. and even though i can be extremely self pitying and go into like a black hole of sadness, i still dont let myself do bad things. which is good, obviously. but its iike i’ve been recovered from self injury for probably about ten years but some days i am so deep in my shitty feelings or empty feelings that i just want to do it again but i cant. theres something in me that wont let me. and i guess im glad for that, obviously. i guess my life/universe/guardian angel is trying to force me to face shit for real and not just have shitty coping mechanisms but idk. like it was a bad outlet but idk. sometimes, just sometimes, i feel like it did more for me than just writing things out. which is bullshit because it did nothing for me except give me a bunch little permanent reminders of shitty times. but idk. that’s my brain for you. sometimes i want to just let it all go and be a mess in my feelings and not care if i’m ok but then my brain is like nope bitch you cant do that. youre not 17 anymore, get up.

and i know some people would read this (well no - no one would read all this lmao but in a theoretical sense) and think like, oh did you try therapy or oh maybe try meds and the thing is 

therapy - i tried it. i liked the idea of it. bad fit with the therapist tho. didnt like being kicked out after 45 min (which i understand but bitch i need more than that to explain one problem) and it felt weird to be told by her, that she felt like i had a good handle on things. cause i dont really feel that way and i feel like she didnt have much to tell me  in terms of how to idk fix myself besides journaling, which i’ll give her. it helps

meds: i i dont really want to go that route yet because my body is really sensitive to medication. like i dont even take bc or anything like that. however i think ive decided that since its super legal and obtainable i might try pot once we are able to move into our own place. so if anyone did actually read this far and have experience with that (esp w anxiety) please enlighten me. i had some samples of some cbd stuff and it was amazing for my anxiety but it’s way too expensive for me to use consistently.

this has been a very long shit post but i feel better so theres that.

I spend all this time by myself

and i use it to think about everything. 

Before Covid-19 i was fed up with my clients for getting me sick all the time and kind of sick of the rut I was in and starting to think about what else I might like to do. The truth is I wanted to workout. Like all the time. I was considering the possibility of maybe becoming an instructor even though I know its not a money-maker because it was the thing i was most interested in spending my time doing.

But then came the lockdown and I packed in my business and got a job stocking grocery store shelves. Which I liked. Its just that perfect combo of physical and fussy work that I liked so much and I could listen to podcasts and no one had reason to take issue with what I was or wasn’t doing. I just couldn’t sleep during the day. I couldn’t do it. 

So i got a work-from-home job and now i dont go anywhere or do anything with anyone and I’m home all day by myself.

I get better at it being home all the time by myself the more I do it which is both good, because thats the best way to be right now, and bad because I find myself less and less interested in connecting with other people. 

Not out of fear of coronavirus or anything like that, but once I quit facebook I realized that mostly wasnt any real connection with anyone on there. Just chatter and wasted emotion over things that don’t matter at all if you don’t log in. 

I decided it’d be better to try to reach out to people individually. At least one every day. To stay connected. to be connected. to really be connected.

but then maybe one day i didnt feel like it and ive kind of mostly stopped doing that too. 

I was video chatting with people when we were all staying home but everyone’s just stopped doing it. Everyone just started pretending Covid-19 wasn’t a thing anymore and going back out and doing everything they normally would but just carrying a mask around with them. I guess that’s sort of tempting but then not really either. I mean the things i used to do that im not doing now are standing in small sweaty rooms with people breathing on each other. Whether thats workouts or bars, its exactly the activities to avoid and I never did much else. So I stay home now by myself.

I don’t get a lot of invites to hang out w people, although i could do the inviting and people would come over but it makes me think thoughts about how all my adult life I’ve been the kind of person who goes out and knows everyone everywhere she goes. And then I go home. By myself. On purpose. 

I’ve always lived alone on purpose. And i go out when i want to socialize with other people. But my home is my oasis of personal peace where everything is mine and its just the way I like it and I can relax and no one else is invited.

So its comfortable here. I have my cats and my TV and a big bag of coffee and my alexa and its fine. I’m fine here. 

I do a lot of thinking. About why im like this and why its not normal and who cares if it is or not and how I never intended to be all alone for lengths of time like this when I set up my life this way, and how its kind of OK even though I kind of wish I had a partner to do stuff with and be close to since I don’t.

But not because i feel like I need one.

Because I feel like it’d be nice to have one sometimes.

I always had people around me whenever i wanted people around me. I was never a person who was lacking for companionship. 

So here I am, lacking for companionship, and i feel OK mostly about it. Strangely enough. But i feel like im not supposed to be OK, which makes me feel even weirder about getting better at this as I go. 

Here I am at i think its the 5 1/2 month mark now, isn’t it? 

and its fine. Still. 

I don’t love my job but I love that i got it. I mean I made a huge pivot as fast as I could when I saw this pandemic thing for what it was. what it is. and in fact, my first one didnt work out so i made a second one and now im in a great position to survive. 

Even if everyone else kind of said fuck it, who cares how many people die, im not staying in anymore... Here I am ready to ride it all out, probably for as long as it takes in a good position financially and personally. Go me. I am proud of myself for figuring out what to do. 

But at the same time, as i settle into my new work-from-home schedule, i find myself less and less interested in socializing at all with anyone and more and more okay with staying home by myself.

I dream about X boyfriends because i dont have any current ones to dream about and I don’t have anything interesting to talk about with people because nothings happened to me. Maybe thats why I don’t want to socialize anymore. They don’t have anything to talk about either. 

The zoom chats got super-boring after the first few weeks because no one was doing anything and we all just ran out of stuff to talk about. 

So I stay home by myself and i think about things. Everything. Every single thing i’ve ever done in my whole life. I think about all of it in some detail. Look at it from some new vantage point. Why im like i am, the things that have happened to me to shape me into this person, the things I’ve done and the way I’ve handled them and what i didn’t know i could have or should have done at the time instead of what I actually did. How things might have turned out differently for better or for worse if this had happened or that had happened or if i’d known what i know now or if that one thing hadn’t happened or if that other thing had happened.

And how mostly it would all just have all always played out again the same way due to the circumstances of the moment even if I had it to do over. And how that’s fine. Because thats how I got to where I’m at right now. And im fine. 

Even if I am alone in a pandemic that doesnt seem to be ending anytime soon.

I guess i can just go back out again whenever I feel ready to do that like everyone else seems to have already done. 

Or maybe I never will. 

I wanted a change. I was already starting to spend a lot less time going out and knowing everybody. Thanks to the divisive politics of a certain president, I’d come to see a lot of ‘friends’ of mine in a different light and distanced myself from a good amount of people in the last few years, but that’s only part of what was going on with me. 

For whatever reason, the last few years, my love-life has been a string of the guys I’m really into not liking me back or not taking me seriously as a real partner, while the very few guys who seem to show any real interest in me are the ones I don’t like back. 

So I was down a lot of friends and there were no boyfriends and going out was depressing unless there was a band i liked playing. Because I’m at this age now where im like 20+ years too old for the guys in this college town, so there’s no one to meet and if the band playing isn’t any good then it was just a waste of time and money to go out. 

Staying home is fine for me, but I do wonder if this is it for me. This is the rest of my life. I’m a spinster with cats and that’s it. I never had kids cause i never wanted any. I’ve always been fine with that. But when theres nothing to do and nowhere to go and I’m alone all the time, maybe having had kids wouldn’t have been so bad if they would be people i could be doing stuff with.

But do I even want to do stuff? I don’t even know. I mean i could do stuff but I dont want to. I could invite people over to hang out in my backyard, but I dont think i want to. In another month it’ll be cold for hanging out outside. 

Will I want to do stuff then?? or will the numbers go back up once people are all indoors breathing on each other all the time again? 

Will I be happy I have this job i dont like in my house? I get to stay here and be safe and do whatever i want to do whenever i want to do it by myself all the time. Till its over. or till im done. whichever comes first. or whichever comes last.

What will things look like when its over? What will I be like when it’s over? Will it even ever be over? I know no one knows. But this is what I think about. It’s all I do. Think about all of this. Think about everything I’ve ever done and everything I ever will do and everyone I ever did anything with.

And how I’m fine.

and whether or not I should be fine. 

and if being fine in and of itself while I’m alone for months during a global pandemic is all really just some issues I have because of being raised poorly. 

Or maybe I’m just fine and doing well.

and maybe I’m just thinking about everything because I’m not on facebook. And maybe everyone is on facebook because they don’t want to be thinking about everything.

Spring day | PJM

Pairing: Park Jimin x sister reader

Request by: L I E on my quotev  !

Genre: angst; comfort :")

Tw : mentions of self ham

Summary: jimin left you once, but once he found out what that caused, he vows to never do the same mistake again

a/n: ive experienced self harm a while back and it sucks to have the scars that wont heal anymore, so i hope you know there are better ways to cope with sadness. please know that bts's music from love yourself is specifically for loving yourself, they made that for you. it was not a marketing strategy to target depressed people, they made that for you all to help you, so dont let them down, and dont give up on yourself, okay? love yourself. dont forget namjoon said that we helped them love themselves, so now its our turn to use their love for us. stay healthy, everyone . i promise there will be better days ❤

it was the first day of spring, Jimin was coming back from Seoul to Busan and you were so excited to be seeing your older brother again.

The good thing about spring was that it was cold, so there was no reason for you to be showing skin outside--(which was where you and Jimin had planned to spend the whole day; there was a spring festival going on)

Jimin had arrived at crack ass of dawn, so you hadn't been awake at the time of his arrival, but thankfully you were awoken when he had opened the door and it creaked too loudly, and thankfully to you, you were a very light sleeper.

you had ran up and screamed, immediately tackling your older--now blonde - brother in a hug, and Jimin silently giggles, his shoulders shaking, as he wraps his long arms around you as well.

things were going normally for the two of you as the week went by, Jimin was quick to assume you were fine.

but actually, you were far from it.

the scars that littered your arms was a constant reminder on what had happened to you when Jimin left, his fans threatening you, calling you names and insulting you directly through social media. His sasaengs contacting you, asking for your address, you lived in constant fear. fear of what would happen if you obeyed them, not only Jimin would get hurt, but you, and your family would too.

but you didn't want to show Jimin that, you didn't want to show him how weak you are. he was only going to be there for a week, so you decided to make it count.

you should have known that Jimin was family, and no matter how well you'd hide it, he's still find out one way or another. Unfortunately, it had to be today.

"(Y/n)? Park (Y/n)? helloooooo, earth to (Y/n)??" your older brother calls out when you spaced out, he grabs both of your cheeks with his cold hands to grab your attention, "(Y/n)!"

"What? what is it?" You say, startled, "Oh my God, your hands are cold!" you hiss to him, and he laughs.

"Come on, they sell ice cream there, let's get something!" Jimin says, pointing to an ice cream truck that had parked under a tree that was covered in snow, "My treat," he smiles

"Sure, get me mint chocolate," You say, and Jimin scrunches his nose

"Gross! you're just like Jeonggukie and Hoseok, always eating toothpaste," he says, and you laugh at the mentions of his band mates who were also your friends, Jimin then takes out his wallet, "But since you're my annoying sister, I'll spare you. Stay here and I'll get them!" he says, pulling your arm towards a vacant tree and pushing you down to sit before skipping away.

you sat yourself down on the snow covered grass and breathed shakily, gently peeling your sleeve down. It had stung when Jimin pulled you, the cuts weren't fully healed yet and your jacket had rubbed on the scarred skin enough to make you wince, but thankfully, your older brother didn't notice. you pulled your sleeve back down.

Just as you were about to stand back up, a shadow loomed over you.

"That was quic-"

"You fucking bitch!" someone yelled, yanking you by your hair, and you yelped, "So you we're Jimin oppa's girlfriend all along weren't you?!"

You felt tears pooling your eyes at the sudden physical pain. At the mention of Jimin's name, you quickly pieced together that it was one of his delusional fans, you listened to her yelling, and under different circumstances, you would've gagged hearing her call you your own brother's 'girlfriend'.

doesn't this girl see you looked alike?

blinded by rage, she starts to grab at your chin to force you to look at her, she had a scowl on her face and she was pissed.

"Answer me, you fucking bitch!" she yells into your face, her hand strikes for your cheek and you let out a chocked sob, "He doesn't deserve you!"

her hands raise again, and you flinched, but frantic shouting startles you from behind.

"Stop that! let my sister go!" Jimin says, panicked. he drops both of the ice creams in his hands and came running to you, pushing the girl away and stepping in between you two, a heroic yet extremely stupid act on his own behalf. People could've crowded around and took pictures of the act he was putting up, but thankfully the park was mostly empty on a bleak, cold day such as this. "What do you think your doing?!"

The girl, now completely in a daze, because not only did her idol had just pushed her, ('touched her', you can almost hear her delusional mind think that way) , but he had also yelled at her for hurting his sister, sister.

"O-Oppa, I'm s-"

"Go away! just leave us alone, please!" Jimin yelled, but sounded pleading and on the verge of his own tears as he outstretched his arms in an attempt to hide your frame. The girl had no choice but to bow and leave. 

silence followed suit, then Jimin turns around and drops on his knees, pushing your hair from your face, "Let me see you-"

"I'm fine," you say, pushing him off, but your brother was adamant.

"(Y/n), I saw her fucking grab you, stop being so stubborn!" Jimin curses desperately, and his eyes widen when he realised he lashed out, "I didn't mean that, (Y/n),"

You sighed in defeat. Jimin looked so stressed already, so you let him. You shut your eyes as you felt tears resurfacing as he searched your face for bruises, and then your hands.

he had lifted up your sleeves, something you wished he would stay away from. And naturally, he froze at what he found. 

You knew he would've seen it, you just didn't know it would've been today. 

"(Y-Y/n)... she...she didn't do this, did she?.." Jimin asked, his voice was trembling at the sight of the scars on his baby sister's arms, "This was...t-this is you, isn't it?"

you couldn't lie to him, you couldn't. so you nodded slowly, tears starting to stream down your cold, flushed cheeks.

and finally, finally, you broke down.

"That wasn't my first time, hyung, that wasn't my first time getting harassed. s-some of them know i'm your sister, some of them are still out there, some of them are out there to kill me, just because- because I'm related to you!" you sobbed, and Jimin's anger turned to sympathy, to guilt as he pulled you into his arms, letting you cry, "I d-didn't choose to be your sister, hyung, i didn't... but they- they dont fucking get it! I-I don't know wh-what they wan't, mom and dad keep comparing me to you- i'm not smart or pretty or successful, I'm not like you! I'm-"

"Park (Y/n)," Jimin coos gently, one of his hands reaching out to stoke your hair. Jimin had a smile, but tears were uncontrollably streaming down his cheeks.

this was all his fault, Jimin was living the best life in Seoul, and he completely didn't know you we're struggling on your own here, in Busan, his hometown, the place where you both grew up, the place he left for his career.

he chased his dreams, and at the same time, he ruined yours. he would never forgive himself if he didn't make it right.

"Listen to me, (Y/n)," Jimin starts, trying to sound strong, but his own voice betrays him as it breaks, sharing the pain his baby sister felt as you kept crying into his arms, "You're coming to Seoul with me after this, okay? I'll take care of you, I'll take care of you from now on,"

"I-I can't leav-"

"That's my final decision, (Y/n)," Jimin says, softly running his hands on your arms, biting his lip to stop it from quivering, "I'm your brother, and I already gave up on you once by leaving you. I'm not going to do that again,"

You couldn't find your voice to reply as you sobbed and sobbed to your brother, but Jimin didn't seem to mind as he lets out his own tears.

he hopes one day, he'll help you heal. Just like how spring comes by after the winter, the season where flowers start to bloom again.

first post (5.28.2020)

11:55pm

i wonder what other people think about, the small little thoughts that cross their mind day to day. i wonder if i’m really as different as i think i am. i’ve always had darker thoughts, but not the scary kind. never towards other people, always towards me. 

thoughts i dont think i could share with anyone or say out loud. Ive long stopped going to therapy. my therapist was the only one who even knew a crumb of what goes on in my stupid, hilarious, mean head. i once told him that sometimes id be in the middle of a decent and pleasant conservation and id say something just a tad awkward, like 4/10 if we were measuring and my mean brain would immediately start repeating it over and over to me, calling me stupid and retarded. ive never really felt in control of my brain. quite the other way around actually. it has me on a leash. although i have gotten extremely better than what it used to be. it used to tell me to bash my head into corners of tables. and it would imagine all the gory details, and then after forcing that image into my head (usually in public too, sometimes school) it would play a mini slideshow of my mom and sister crying, and my best friend wailing as she heard the news of this horrible, horrible, unimaginable thing id done to myself. and for no reason either. all that for a little bit of awkwardness. i used to be so comfortable telling suicide jokes. for some reason it like “came into trend” or something. kms was the most used acronym for a while. i could say it constantly and it felt like this big weight off my shoulders because i was finally saying it out loud but in a socially acceptable way and people would laugh, and i would feel happy for a split second. but then id realize what we were all laughing about. laughing about the fact that i just said i wanted to jump off a bridge. ive stopped doing that and now suicide jokes make me quite uncomfortable. i hate when other people say it. the mean judgmental hypocritical never-been-wrong-in-its-life side of my brain will assume that the person saying “kill me” because they were late to work has never known the true pain of that feeling before. and they should shut the fuck up because they've never been lying in the fetal position on the floor of their bedroom, crying until they cant breathe, just replaying every traumatic thing that has ever happened to them. wishing and praying to a god they dont believe in to just take them out of this planet because they cant stand another minute trapped inside their head with cursed thoughts. but then i take a deep breath and remember i used to say that probably 15x a day. and i damn well meant it. i said it with a huge stupid cheesy smile on my face too, so i have no right taking away what could be their little comfort of expressing that burden. that used to be me.

its hard when youre sad or depressed to not feel superior or like youre in the most pain and nobody would even be able to stand it for a second if they were in your shoes. but the truth is thats stupid. as fuck. everybodys got that little mean voice in their head (i think, at least i hope. cause if not i need to be admitted somewhere lmfao) some peoples mean voices are just louder. but what do i know. nobody's even reading this right now, thank god. but if you are, dont listen to me. i like to lie to myself and pretend i have all the answers and i know everything about life because of all the fucked up stuff ive had to go through. but genuinely, the truth is no one knows shit. not unless they can magically read everyone minds. “we only have our own ideas of other peoples ideas” (i stole that from bo burnham. man is a comedy legend) 

ew i just reread this and it sounded so cringy. what am i 13 years old again? jesus christ. its truly hard to read. but this what i decide to waste my time thinking and writing about, so i guess id better be exposed to that harsh reality sooner or later. i dont want you (imaginary person reading this) to get this impression of me, like im that emo kid from the lorax. im not. in real life i think i come across quite normal. thats the reality of depression i guess. its always right in front in you. can you imagine if i told my coworkers i used to think about bashing my head into walls??? right now they think im some ditzy, happy-go-lucky dumbass with her head in the clouds, which dont get me wrong, does coexist with the other part of my brain. but i just couldn't even imagine the look on their faces if i ever told them what i really think about. which brings me right back to the beginning..... what do they think about?

No reblog please

Idk i just wanna update on my life at the moment. Its been a while. I dont really like to talk about my relationship in public forums online and i also wanna give my mutuals an explantion for my splotchy texts cause i have like 80 something messages on here rn. Ive just been so busy and emotionally drained. Sorry if i message you after like a month, start a convo but then just trail off, then respond to that response 3 months later and trail off again-

sorry sometimes yall just miss my social window yall gotta be quicker😅😅😅

Kidding kidding, but once its closed, its closed until further notice. im sorry and im trying i cherish yall a lot, my mutuals and people i still text on here. But god texting has gotten so hard the past year idk why...

My regular texting sucks too so yall arent missing much btw but happy to obliged, it if anyones interest lol, along with my messenger im on FB a lot.

But anyways. My life for the past year.

Me and my girl are in the closet, everyone knows we are dating, besides her dad and town. He doesnt know and wow it feels like we're really getting away with something LMAO

We are long distance but we kinda do this back and forth thing whenever we can. Usually every 2-3 months. Like we'll stay at each other's houses for like weeks, and its become my 2nd home, and their parents love me, my dad loves her.

We are currently trying for jobs. We both have mental illness obvi, so its hard. Really really hard. But we are trying. We're saving up to move in together. Our situation isnt ideal rn we, dont really expect to even think about moving for about a year or 2, for multitude of reasons. It just isnt realistic.

I'm also trying for disability. Doing odd jobs like mowing the lawn...really relaxing.

Am In between saying fuck it and just getting a job RIGHT now or just waiting. I first applied for social security december of last year. Denied twice. Wish me luck, i may even have to get a lawyer.

Apparently you can have a job while on disability so long as you don't make too much money...and i want a job man, but with the way my mental state is...it would do me good to actually leave the house and try to get more human interaction besides just grocery shopping myself and going to the thrift shops by myself lol or the occasional movie outing with my gf

I now have a resume. And wanna work at the gas station, library and/or Dollar tree near me. All of which im pretty comfy at. Wish me luck.

My mental health recovery...this has been a year of breakthroughs man im really making strides

Im discovering more and more traumas. Learning how to deal with shit. Its been hell for my depression but ive been growing and evolving and becoming more in tune with myself and my emotions and shit

Me and my partner are doing okay. We are okay and healthy. They have a therapist too now!

We are doing so good. We are able to be so vulnerable with each other. We talk for hours until we figure out a miscommunication. She holds me like a baby, she just squeezes the pain out of me , ive never had anyone try to understand me the way Amy does. And i give the same back. I cant keep my eyes and hands to myself. I have to look away when i stare at her for more than 2 seconds, i just cant

My heart feels with so much joy that it scares me and it feels like im gonna burst

Ive never felt this way before, about anyone

My ex? Whos a guy? And any other person ive had interest in?

The fact that most of the people ive been into have all acted "feminine", been fellow genderqueer, but AMAB at the time, and 2 have both come out as trans girls at some point...shouldve been a sign lmao. But nope, "i like guys...i like girls but cant imagine myself being romantically involved with a girl, only sexual . Guys more so emotionally i guess. *has literally never imagined actively living with a man before, getting married. Didnt even want to meet my first bf irl. But looked at boobs and was that 12 year old with a lesbian porn and hentai tiddie addiction*....yes im straight :)"

Actually coming to the realization that i can have a wife...wow that shook me. Id never considered. Or thought realistic. i was "normal", what compulsory heterosexuality wanted me to believe.

Im still struggling coming to terms in my sexuality. Been in straight up denial since i was early teens but ive known i was different since 8. Im growing in this area too, im trying. We both are actually.

1 year, 7 months ❤

We are both genderqueer demisexual sapphics/wlw❤❤

To all my sapphics in the closet with partners, i wish to you my luck and blessings

We are allowed to be happy, no one can change us

We are allowed to have happy endings, and we can whether the straights like it or not.

Tl;dr: doin really good, hard year of growth but making strides in my sexuality, relationship, goals and ambitions. Pretty grand.

A vent about past abuse

I dealt with mental, emotional, and psychological abuse when I was living with my parents, specifically my mom and step dad. It started when I was very young, I was in fourth grade with severe, undiagnosed ADHD, originally thought to be Asburgers. I was put into the GT/Gifted and Talented program(for all those who don't know, the definition for it in my state is ""Gifted and talented children" mean those students who are identified as possessing demonstrated or potential abilities that give evidence of high performing capabilities in intellectual, creative, specific academic or leadership areas, or ability in the performing or visual arts and who require services or activities not ordinarily provided by the school in order to fully develop such capabilities") but due to my undiagnosed ADHD I began to struggle.

My mom tried to help, but got more and more frustrated with me, and one day, we had a parent teacher conference, and the whole time, while I was listening to it, I was looking down and playing with my hands as I had difficulty focusing and doing other things helped me. When we got outside my mother began to yell at me, she put me on the spot and asked me to sumise the meeting, and because I was so suddenly put on the spot, I froze and I couldnt figure out how to put into words what had been talked about. I told my mom that I didnt know how to summerize it and she became furious with me, blowing up and saying that I didnt even care and that she was so mad that she even thought about apologizing to me and even webt so far as to tell me that I wouldn't be getting the surprise gift of a few school supplies that she had gotten for me to try and help me with school. I was stunned, so stunned that I stoped dead in my tracks and watched as my mom continued to walk to the car, still yelling at me.

A small while later I was transfered out of the GT program and put back into my old school, which caused severe bullying, and while I was in that school I was tested to see if I had Asburgers, as my mother, my teachers, and my doctor all suspected I had. It turned out I had severe ADHD, Anxiety, and Depression, as well as higher intellect, which I hate to say because it sounds obnoxious and pretentious but it was part of what came from my testing that day so I feel I need to include it. My mother then put much higher expectations on me, focusing on the higher intelegence rather than the new found, severe developmental disability that had been diagnosed, considering it as more of a slight inconvenience.

As time went on it became harder and harder for me, as I didnt know how to learn normally, especially since, due to my ADHD, I would frequently forget things, didnt retain things correctly, and I didnt know how to keep track of time dude to to the fact that I can not percieve the passing of time, and each time I was told that I was being lazy and that I didnt care and that I should be able to do it because I was "so smart" and it hurt. It really hurt.

I was trying my hardest, I was doing my best, and I genuinely didnt understand the content, nor did I know how to retain it. My mom and stepdad got more and more frustrated, and began making their punishments more and more severe. It went from me not being able to watch tv, to me being told that I couldnt go outside, to not being able to leave my room, to them taking things away from me that they bought, to talking away things I myself bought, to outright telling me that they would take away my door, would search my phone unprompted sometimes in public and infront of family, and all the time I was being screamed at almost daily. I was trying my best and I just wanted to please them. All the while, under our noses, I had another undiagnosed mental ailment due to my bullying, and their abuse toiling in my mind.

When I was in high school, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Caused by bullys that taunted me, and physically abused me daily while in my fourth grade year, as well as my parents starting to pull away and abandon me emotionally. My parents where told about my diagnoses. They where told they took a part, and that they where a severe trigger. They should have known due to the fact that when they went on their tirades to me, I would panic.

I would freeze up, my throat would close, I would shake and cry and be completely unable to talk, and they KNEW THIS. I knew that they knew this, because they would mock me for it, using phrases like "of course, now we wont get anything else out of him, I dont know why we even waist our time with him" IN FRONT OF ME before sending me to my room.

The worst part? They did this even after my diagnoses, and after being informed. Before, I would have understood, maybe they didnt realize, and maybe they thought it was the only way I would listen, even though it didnt work before. But now, knowing my diagnoses, knowing it didnt work, knowing what they did to me with the yelling and with the mocking, they still did it. That is why I consider it to be abuse.

They did this even after I turned 18. They told me that they would force me to quit my job if I didnt follow their requirements for my schooling, and then threatened to sell the car that myself and my grandparents bought, and they could have, because it was bought while a minor, so it was in their name. I was becide myself, and I felt so traped and overwhelmed that, one night, I packed up my essentials, called an uber, and left, in the middle of the night.

I went to a friend's house, and stayed with them. I was terrifyed of them, I panicked when I saw a car like theirs, I shook when I thought of them, I had nightmares of them coming and taking me back to their house, forcing me to live with them again, but, they never did.

I was free. In the next months I began talking ti them again, though it was rough. My stepdad, for a while, didnt even talk to me when I visited, because of "what I did to them" by leaving. But now, I'm healing, I'm getting better, and my relationship with them it better. Though, I dont think I will ever truly forgive them.

Because of what they did to me, I have lasting mental effects. I dont trust people to touch my belongings, especially my phone. I hardly leave my room, unless absolutely necessary. I panic when I hear yelling, even if it isnt directed at me. I hate being called smart, and the word its self makes me feel sick to my stomach. I have a hard time sharing my accomplishments with people, and when I do accomplish something, I feel like its never good enough.

I faced years of abuse, and ive had people tell me, to my face, that it wasnt abuse, that, because they bought me things, that they didnt hit me, that they always provided me with necessities, that I wasn't abused, and that I'm over dramatic, and that my parents raised me perfectly, and that I should be thankful.

The truth of the matter is that I was abused. They didnt know how to deal with a child with a disability, so they took it out on me, and made me feel like I was never enough. They broke my spirit, and they made me hate myself. Though I may have let it go and have began my journey through healing without them, I will always have the scars of what they did to me, and though I love them despite what I went though, I still know that I was abused. I know I was put through 18 years hell because of them.

Despite that, I know I will be okay in the end.

YA BOOKS RECS

Okay -cracks knuckles- im gonna rec yall some YA books because there are so many ive found over the years

@windycube this is for u

First of all ofc I gotta put in a word for Rick Riordan, this man literally raised me He has a LOT of series but i recommend Magnus Chase and The Gods of Asgard the most, one because its meant for slightly older audiences (the mc Magnus is 16/17) and two because its wAY more diverse than his older stuff (which i still love, dearly) like Percy Jackson and the Olympians and better written than the follow up series to PJO, Heroes of Olympus MCGA is about a kid who finds out he’s the son of a Norse god and that those gods are still around and kickin, but the world is ending aaaand him and his new friends have to stop it. Sounds cheesy and super typical but, Magnus is pretty different from most protags of this kind of stuff. He’s a healer not a fighter, and his strongest traits are compassion and teamwork rather than brute strength and violence (tho there is a lot of that. Violence. Kind of par for the course. You’ll see)

NEXT is Michael Grant, who Windy already mentioned. I cannot stress enough, how much I worship Grant’s story writing capabilities. If you want dark shit, READ HIS WORK. What a lot of people don’t realize is that he helped KA Applegate write the Animorphs series and.. Thats some of the darkest kids fiction out there. Grant wrote the GONE series, which is about a town where all of the adults (over like, 15 I think? Sorry its been a while) disappear and a giant impenetrable barrier appears around a small beach town. Chaos and horrifying violence ensues. This series will depress you even as you can’t stop reading it. The characters are gold. The twists are even better. He also wrote BZRK which is a trilogy set in the future where war is fought on the nanotech level. Admittedly its been years so I dont remember much, but its also very solemn and very unique. I’d say 16+ (teen protags)

Maggie Stiefvater. Another personal hero of mine, her prose is just.. Beautiful. Poetic. Magical. She has a few series and some novels. My favorites are The Raven Cycle (series of 4), All The Crooked Saints (novel) I cant even.. Explain what theyre about. Magic surrealism, young love, the darkness of the human mind.. Theyve got everything. If you’re intrigued please please give them a shot. 16+

Alright alright now for some lesser known stuff.

If you’re into vampires.. Monster stories… surviving high school… please for the love of gods, read The Chronicles of Vladimir Todd. I seriously don’t understand how this series isnt more popular. Zac Brewer is wonderful, I love him and his work sm. Tho, I think since this series is old its still under his deadname (Heather Brewer) Basically it’s about Vlad, a half human half vampire kid, dealing with high school bs but also being hunted down for his hybrid status and.. gAH its so good. Plenty of blood. The end has casualties and still makes me cry. Pls read it im begging you

If you’re a furry and/or into badass well written female protags.. Read Cry of the Icemark. ;3 It’s got magic, warfare, and have I mentioned Thirren the mc is BADASS????? (and no, its not all furries. But there is a race of leopard people whom i love dearly) By Stuart Hill, its one of my alltime favorites. I need to reread it again

Another older one is Pendragon. It is fuckin LONG, at 10 books total, about a ‘normal’ kid named Bobby Pendragon who finds out there are other dimensions in danger and that if they fall into chaos, the entire universe will. So he and a few other ‘Travelers’ set out to fix them even as a demon Traveler tries to fuck up their progress. Starts with Bobby at 14 but sees him grow up. Again.. I know it sounds super typical but what I love is that Bobby grows bitter. He’s not a golden keep saving the day sort of protag. I wont spoil; just check it out. By DJ MacHale

I have a feeling yall dont want to hear about romance but im a hoe for it so. Legend is a trilogy by Marie Lu set in a dystopian world (which im also a hoe for) where America is divided into two warring nations. One protag is Day, a poor thief who steals to keep his family alive. The other is June, who’s the best up and start soldier the Republic has. She’s pretty rebellious tho, so she can’t be reigned in until she’s sent to track down a murderer.. Day. excepthedidntactuallydoit Star crossed lovers. Fucked up America. My kinda tea.

If you want more dystopia that doesnt suck (because bOY a lot of it does) I’ll put in a word for Divergent. You’ve probably heard of it. Oh That Hunger Games Bootleg except not. Also it’s a trilogy but who cares. The first one is my only love

Switching gears back to romance uwu Carry On by Rainbow Rowell is gAY AND MAGIC! There’s a reason why everyone raves about it; best written romance I’ve ever had the pleasure to read. And I’ve read a lot. Plus, it’s getting a sequel in a few years! She also wrote Fangirl, as well as Eleanor and Park, two adorable novels.

Switching gears completely, lemme talk about Leigh Bardugo. She wrote Six of Crows, which is this ABSOLUTELY AMAZING heist/crime/action duology. Very diverse cast. A few lgbtq+ kiddos. She also wrote the Grishaverse series but I have not yet gotten around to reading it. From what Ive heard tho its just as good - a lot more about magic and monsters tho (set in the same universe!)

Wow okay im gonna stop because this is getting long but

TLDR;

basically any of Rick Riordan’s series

GONE by Michael Grant

anything by Maggie Stiefvater

The Chronicles of Vladimir Todd by Zac Brewer (who used to be known as Heather Brewer)

Cry of the Icemark by Stuart Hill

Pendragon series by DJ MacHale

The Legend trilogy by Marie Lu

Divergent by Veronica Roth

anything by Rainbow Rowell

Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo

thank you for reading my book nerd ramblings holy shit

im going to be tagging this appropriately but i want to give a warning at the beginning of this post also that ill be talking about suicide/suicide attempts and death overall in it, its something that because of recent events (thatll become clear further on in this post) ive been thinking about and trying to word. im sorry that this is probably going to be long but ill put a tldr at the end for a large chunk of my life ive been suicidal. im 20 right now and from the ages of 13 to 18 i can tell you that there wasnt a day that went by that i didnt think about killing myself and it was normal for me to try and kill myself once a week. looking back on it now i know that my household and school environment have both been toxic and abusive to me since an early age and that i really was depressed even before i was 13. thoughout my struggles i felt so alone, and the one thought that kept nagging at me was "i dont matter. no one would miss me if i were gone. nothing would change if i were gone. people would be happier if i were gone". last week, my friend passed away. i still dont know the cause, he was still young and healthy, he did obstical courses and had to be physically fit for his job. when i found out that he had died it hit me like a pile of bricks and all i could feel was numb. he wasnt an incredibly close friend, i didnt know everything there was to know about him, but he was still my friend. in my dnd group he was one of two people who i felt respected by and who would treat me with kindness. he made jokes with me, helped me with my characters, asked me how i was doing. he may not have been my best friend but he was still a part of my life and still a friend. over the course of the week it was hard to soak in that someone i cared about was really gone. i kept thinking about how i hadnt gone to dnd in easily a month, kept wondering when the last time i wouldve said goodbye to him was. it really did feel like suddenly a part of my life was shattered and there was a gaping hole there. i couldnt wrap my head around it, it just didnt make sense, i didnt understand why this had happened and i felt guilty for not appreciating my time with him more while he was here. the wake came at the end of the week and a dear friend and i drove to the funeral home, which was actually literally just one turn away from the house where we played dnd with him. we all thought that we would just be saying goodbye to an urn, because it was our friends wish to be cremated, but i stepped inside the funeral home, saw the open casket, and it felt like my heart stopped. i knew i wouldnt be able to handle seeing my friend lying there dead. there were a few people we knew there, most from theater and dnd. we headed over to one particular person who happens to be the tallest man ive ever met. hes a very nice person but when you look at him out of context he seems very imposing and not necessarily friendly. ive known this guy since i was ten and i have never once seen him the way he was at the funeral home. his eyes were red and it was obvious that he had been sobbing, and when he greeted each of us he gave me a big crushing hug and i could just. feel how horrible this was for him. hed grown up with our friend who was lying there in the room. i eventually walked over to the casket and to my friends family, none of who i had ever met, and as soon as i tried to talk to his mother i started crying. i told her through tears that her son had been very kind to me and that i appreciated him a lot. i couldnt walk all the way to the casket because it was too much. i whispered goodbye and left. we drove back in silence. tldr: you have more of an impact on people than you realize. you impact the lives of people you meet even for a moment, even if you never meet them again you still have affected them by meeting them no matter how fleeting. even if youre not best friends with someone your presence still matters and changes both the world and peoples lives. and their lives are absolutely not the same without you. no matter how alone you might feel i can absolutely guarentee that you would be missed. you ALWAYS matter. you ALWAYS are important. your life always has inherent worth and inherent value. youre important to the universe and the people in your life, you matter and the world wouldnt be the same without you. the world is better with you in it and im glad that youre alive. please dont give up on yourself, you are so loved.

The emotional roller-coaster you go through when having PCOS and wanting a family. TTC W/ PCOS

They tell you that everything will be okay and to keep a positive outlook, that no matter what, god will answer your prayers “When It’s Your TIME”. However, I find it hard to believe, then again i'm not sure what to believe anymore. There are way to many situations that make me think that it's not completely up to god to tell us when we are ready or not. I truly think that we are never really ready for anything this world throws at us. I have never really wrote down everything I've felt while experiencing this, and i think it's time i take the time to LET IT OUT. I am not posting this to get the approval from others but sometimes you just need to let it out, and from what I've come across on the internet, I might be able to help someone that may be experiencing the same things as me . . I hope to be that encouragement to those that face these challenges .

Well, let me start by introducing myself as Luna, ( Not my real name but we don't need to get that personal, i want to share my experience, not my government credentials ). However i will tell you this, i am at the age of 25 and will be turning 26 in just a few short months. I’ve been in a stable and healthy relationship for about 9 years, He is truly amazing and one of the biggest blessings in my life. We have a pretty active sex life and should have been blessed with a beautiful baby by now. Unfortunately, that has not happened yet. I was diagnosed with PCOS in 2016, and let me tell you everything started to make since after i heard the news. The lack of periods for months was the first sign that i suspected to have PCOS, following the lack of periods came the facial hair ( mainly light hairs on the upper lip ), the lack of weight loss or weight gain, ( i have been 175 lbs since 2010 ) and along with all of these symptoms i have one of the worst over-actives bladders. I wake up 6 times a night and use the restroom about every 30 minutes to every hour . Let’s just say, I finally had enough and went to the doctors where I was given Metformin and birth control to help regulate my hormones and period, unfortunately the Metformin made me feel extremely sick and the birth control made my periods even worse. I then decided to take the natural route and avoid any medications from 2016 mid year to 2018 mid year.

Mid 2016 after all the metformin and terrible birth control i finally decided to start home remedies, in hopes that something will spark a hormone in my body that will level out all the other hormones . After hours of research i came across this pill called “ Dong Quai Root “, Everything they posted on the website seemed amazing, but i should have known not to believe everything they post on the internet.  The Dong Quai Root was taken for approx. 2 months and within those 2 months i did not see a difference other then cramping and skin irritation. I felt dehydrated and sick the whole time i was taking that pill. At this point 2016 is coming to an end and i have given up all hope on having a family because nothing seemed to work . we decided to take a year off in 2017 and let nature run its course and just like the last year NOTHING HAPPENED . Not once did i get a positive HPT, everyone around me was having babies or announcing they were expecting . You try so hard  to be supportive but deep down you are drowning in your own tears because you just want to experience the babies movements and experience the start of your VERY OWN FAMILY, you just end up feeling so helpless and broken. You begin to question if you are good enough to be a mom, if god has some vendetta against me, if i'm living life the wrong way. BUT……. Then again you have to look at all the ones who get pregnant on drugs, get pregnant after being raped, and those who also have trouble getting pregnant. We are not alone and one day we will get our blessing.    

2018 , The start of clomid - After sitting depressed and losing hope, i got up and told myself not to give up. I have come this far to give up ? NO WAY, NOT TODAY SATAN ! . March 2nd, 2018 i was prescribed clomid on a small dose of 50mg for 5 days, now here's the tricky part. - My Dr. told me that since i do not get a period i can take it when i get the medicine and take OPK test to check when i ovulate. - NOW, anyone who has tried TTC and is new to the OPK knows that they can be beyond the point of confusing. So due to being confused the first month was a complete BUST. May rolled around and i took round 2 of clomid - 50 mg- about 2 weeks after taking the clomid i was experiencing cramping, cw discharge ( ovulation ) , extremely sore breast, still frequent urination ( i experience this on a daily and THIS WILL NOT HELP ME DISTINGUISH IF I AM PREGNANT OR NOT ), back pain, mood swings and being extremely tired all day . Even with all the symptoms i felt from the 2nd round i still had a negative HPT, the tears are rolling and my hope is flying out the window.

Ive seen and heard of women that take 2 rounds of clomid and they get pregnant after the first or second round. You start to think that you’re not meant to have kids. I refuse to give up that easily, through the pain and tears i will fight until the end to have a beautiful blessing . July, September And November i experienced the same symptoms that i listed above, expect in December i took the clomid with a tbsp of Robitussin , and Got a normal 6 day period and ovulated on the same time every month i took clomid, and still nothing but a NEGATIVE HPT . I ended the clomid in November , I started to get this extremely light pink spotting on November 9th nothing that required a pad it ended the same day it started and arrived again on the 13th to the 16th, again it was nothing that showed on a pad it was only when i wiped.  After the 16th i didn't get spotting again until the 24th of November to the 26th which was again nothing major with was accompanied by some slight flutters and cramping mainly on the left side of my uterus area. The flutters and cramps started to fade away and i felt somewhat normal until November 30th when the cramping and the spotting came back and ended on the 1st of December . I didn't have much spotting through December i only had spotting on December 7th, 20th, and the 21st, for the whole month of December i did not get a period but on December 26th thru the 28th i was puking and feeling extremely sick and sleeping. After those few days i felt completely fine and haven't thrown up since, with all of the on and off symptoms i really believed that this was going to be my first positive HPT, sadly i was mistaken. On January 1st , 2019 i took a HPT and it was negative. After about 15 minutes of reading the result on the test i noticed a very thin line , chances are that it was just the evaporation line from the test sitting for too long. This whole month of January 2019 has been a huge roller coaster. My body is feeling way to many symptoms to process what is really going on. On January 10th i started to get some very light spotting again. At this point i knew it wasn't going to last more then a day , it was beyond the point of light and barely showed. However that didn't make me think that i was pregnant, with all the negative HPT that i have taken i really couldn't bring myself to take another one and end up with heartache.

Here is where i start to worry, from January 11th thru the 19th i didn't feel any type of cramping, discomfort, spotting, sore breast, exhaustion, or mood swings. I started to believe that the PCOS was going back to a unbalanced mess until January 20th hit. On January 20th i started cramping on my left side, that spotting came back ( extremely light and only showed when i wiped ), i have this constant light/dull cramping sensation all across my uterus, and now i am experiencing 2 weeks of excruciating sore nipples and breast, my breast hurt when i walk no matter how fast or slow, they hurt to have a bra on, when water hits them, even massaging them makes the pain go from a 8 to a 15, this lasted up until today February 2nd 2019, On February 1st 2019 i took a HPT to check and see if maybe this was it, maybe i finally became pregnant after 7 full years of trying. So i made sure that i was going to buy a $5 test ( i don't trust dollar tree test since i have PCOS i have read about women who do not show HTC levels on most test mainly the cheap test - how true it is idk but i wanted a test that made me feel confident ) . I took the test and sadly got a negative, and again that ultra thin line showed up that is extremely hard to see unless you hold it up to a light. Evaporation line ?? . . i'm all out of options. I have a doctors appointment as of february 21st to see what we have going on . I promise to fight day in and day out until the day i get blessed with a family and even after i will fight to provide the best life for you that i can .

There will always be those people in you life that tell you “ Dont have kids “ “ you want them now but just wait til their 2, 3, 6, 16, 19, “ or the famous “ kids are expensive “ saying from people who would rather pay for beer then formula or diapers. No matter what we go through in life, we will never be fully ready to have a child. I know that mentally i can handle a group of 4 kids running wild and i still find the patience and time to tend to their needs and my own. I know for a fact that i can love a child unconditionally and provide for them regardless . My heart is screaming to be a mom. I would love nothing more then to be able to raise my child to be the best person they can be in this sad messed up world. Many people want to raise their kids to know how to fight and tell someone off when they feel offended. I want to raise my child to know that they dont need friends in this world to be successful, they do not need drugs or alcohol to feel like they can fit in, they dont need to bully other kids to make themselves feel better, i want to show them how to respect their elders, they will use manners and speak properly, they will attend school and most of all THEY WILL FEEL LOVED AND SAFE . they will know that no matter where they go in life , that i their mother will always be right there and always do my best to give them the world. Most people cant stand to see other parents actually attend to their kids needs. We are instantly called brainwashed or weak.