23☆08☆21

do you know how many transfems (or just general users tbh) of color ive seen banned off thsi site scorched earth perma life ban for fuckng posting about like, racism or making fun of whites, annd fucking none of you ever noticed any issues wiht that at all for some reason. now its happening to your racist white faves you're getting mad? i've been talking about this for years and nobody fuckng cared or decided russian psyop bots were real or whatever, a thing THEY STILL CITE against random users of color here. where were you then ? i'm going to encourage you all to share a black transfem's donation information or social media apps rather than the white transfem who called herself a martyr despite spending most of her last days on this site harassing lesbians of color on here. i cannot believe how transparent you all are that there's such an outpour of support when this never needed to happen had you cunts just fucking looked around and paid attention to the way staff treats us back in 2015. like between you sending your angrily worded ask to the ceo of tumblr and refreshing your page to see this post i'd bet at least 5 random transfems of color have been banned wiht vitrol and you'll never be able to tell me what their urls even were, let alone their names or their hobbies or interests, their hopes and dreams, their struggles. will you notcie when there's one less icon on your dash or will you sigh in relief taht you don't have to figure out how to softblock her without her noticing now?

prefacing for maxs followers who dont know who i am but stating this as like. autistic queer person. who also has a lot of other things going on in the brain. i think a lot of autistic n adhd n queer ppl (ESP white auti adhd queer ppl) need to remember that likeee. not everything we relate to . is necessarily an us exclusive experience. and sometimes the thing being judged as 'bad autism rep' or whatever wasnt really.. a character being autistic . not every character whose an outcast or blunt or has problems in social scenarios or behavioral problems is queer or autistic or has adhd and judging a character off of whether theyre good rep for those groups often comes off as. ignorant of experiences outside of autism and queerness n adhd. not to say you cant relate to characters meant to rep a different experience, just that you need to acknowledge that experience and treat it as just as needing of rep as you.

n like it shows up in like. perception of mituna. or isabela from encanto. and ive heard abt white autistic ppl seeing a black character avoiding eye contact w white people as an autism thing. and its like. fuck man not every outcast is autistic or queer or has adhd. brain damage from head trauma is a very real thing and maybe mituna Could be autistic but he isnt bad autism rep just because you (general you) dont want to think about how neurodivergent includes people with head trauma or other disabilities that may cause increased vulgarity and mood swings. isabela Could be a lesbian but that doesnt mean ppl shouldnt also consider how her story isnt like. a lesbian story just because she doesnt like the man shes supposed to get married to its abt how young women get married off n how common it can be in family oriented cultures. avoiding eye contact isnt inherently an autism thing esp when youre a poc and any little thing could be taken as a sign of aggression esp if youre black

n like i get it. when youre queer/autistic/adhd its hard not to try and grab for every little piece of representation you can get. god knows i always take a chance to hc a character i like as a lesbian. ive always been prone to making white characters black. even if a character is clearly nt i will project onto them anyways. but i think the sorts of ppl who will complain abt mituna being bad autism rep often miss the fact that like.

if your projection and desperate need to see and find people like you. gets in the way of showing proper respect to people who Arent like you but face similar issues. then you might need to take a step back and think 'fuck am i overstepping? am i ignoring others need for representation in media in my own pursuit of rep?' . yknow? i think a lot of ppl would have an easier time respecting and learning about other cultures and experiences if they just like. sat down for a bit and thought about the world outside of their own bubble. bc sometimes there gets to a point where it feels like the overall communities i mentioned care more about being listened to than they care about having an actual conversation. and all media really is a conversation. if that makes sense . ok im done now i just have a lot of thoughts abt this.hi max -🎭🎪

yeah this is all pretty interesting and fair actually and tbh id never heard of some of that stuff since im not in that fandom but its an interesting look at this concept

The Sunne in Splendour is well-written book from a technical point of view but I cannot stand how the majority of people seem fo think that it's 1) fair and 2) accurate. It is a blatant romantisization of Richard III that twists virtually every event in favor of him in a way that makes it fundamentally biased and unrealistic from a historical point of view, but also deeply illogical from a writing point of view. And the way it treats Elizabeth Woodville (and a bunch of others, although as usual with Ricardians, Elizabeth Woodville gets the major brunt of it) is sickening.

I've seen so many people defend it by saying "it's just fiction! it's her interpretation and it's just a story, its escapism!" ... except I don't think the vilificafion and demonization of a woman who's been slandered JUST AS MUCH IF NOT MORE than Richard, and whose negative reputation (along with her family's) is doubled down upon rather than challenged while his is completely rebabilitated, is particularly escapist. Not to mention that this is history. I get that it's a novel and a story, but it's based on history. Its black and white approach, its dismissal of historical facts and beliefs in favor of it's main character gives it an automatic bias that cannot be trusted. Not to mention, Penman has claimed that she based whatever she wrote off reports during that time...im sorry, but what reports lmao?? Most major reports during that time were really not thrilled with him, I guess those are just dismissed? Not to mention, this book has ABSOLUTELY shaped how people view history. It has a huge audience and people absolutely incredibly uninformed views are absolutely based on it ... which is what Penman wanted as she mentioned very clearly she wanted to deliver a "new perspective" on this historical figure, and presents this new perspective as gospel truth.

I also have to laugh at the author being "sympathetic and supportive of the House of York" because they are not. they are sympathetic and supportive of RICHARD III, that's not the same. The Woodvilles, Edward IV, Edward V - they're all portrayed terribly. And it's once again made into a York VS Tudor conflict ignoring the fact that it was in actuality a splintering of the House of York (which Richard begun) and that the reason H7 was viewed as such a powerful candidate was precisely because so many Yorkists supported him, he literally started off as a figurehead for their cause after he declared he'd marry a Yorkist princess. RICHARD III lost. The "House of York" very much continued and, in the case of Edward IV's family (the first Yorkist king who got the dynasty to the throne) they very much won

It's a clear historical bias that's presented as a so called "thought-provoking well-researched undoubted new perspective on history" and it's deeply aggravating how it's taken as an undoubted unchallenged truth. I really can't see it as anything other than a story that's obsessed with Richard III trying to mask itself as reasonable

Hi! I have not read The Sunne in Splendour (I don't know if I ever will tbh) but I have read some other ricardian novels, and I can tell you those problems you pointed out are not exclusive to that book at all. Here's my review of Rosemary Jarman's 1970s novel which apparently inspired both Penman and Gregory (Richard did nothing wrong ever to the point of being a dull cardboard cutout and Elizabeth Woodville is a wickedly wicked witch etc). And yeah, the problem with historical fiction that gets as big as Mantel, Penman, Gregory etc is that it can shape the perceptions of an entire generation. If people would only separate fiction from history, yet I've seen so many on social media cite TSIS as their source when discussing history, and that's when they're not citing Josephine Tey's The Daughter of Time, another fiction book. I think the fact that those authors insist that they followed the sources ''''closely''', imparting an aura of truthfulness to their work, is also to blame — and that's not to get into the merit of whether following biased contemporary sources blindly is being truthful to history or not.

Hello hii Lira here (fear not, this is just my main account)

Miscellaneous question, just because I can

1. What was your first anime ? Also what is your favorite one ?

2. Other than the music franchise, do you have favorite music artists ?

3. Oh and you write as well, right ? Do you have a favorite piece of your own (some work, dialogue, scene, idea whatever)

ooh thanks for the ask lira^^ (ive never gotten these before lmao) 1. my first anime ever was probably yu yu hakusho, probably because i had an older cousin living with me and we had to share the TV all the time and cuz he was older he would be in charge almost every time we watched so i just watched whatever he watched. my favorite anime is jojo's bizarre adventure i've been a fan for a very long time (probably cuz my cousin also introduced me to it) but i've watched the anime and all of the rohan spin offs and im currently reading the manga (im on the last few chapters of part 7) and im saving up money for diavolo tomonui tbh i actually used to be obsessed with jojo before hypmic/paralive 2. besides paradox live and hypnosis mic, i actually really like "The Orion Experience" they are probably my favorite band and i absolutely love their albums "Sugar Deluxe" and "Children of the Stars" im also a theater kid so besides hypmic and paralive i actually listen to a lot of musical soundtracks (recently i did a class production of mean girls where i played janis!!) my favorite musicals are Ride the Cyclone and Beetlejuice 3. i do write but not as much anymore, a couple years ago i did write a lot but i guess i got really burnt out. one of my posts before mentioned that the last fanfic i wrote was like 2 years ago but if i did have a favorite i guess it would be a fanfic idea about kantaro and reo, where it focused on both of their insecurities towards each other. kantaro attempting to deal with his social media obsession, insecurities and now jealousy towards reo, while reo on the other hand was dealing with the possibility of his fans "abandoning" him for another idol and feeling insecure/jealous about it like kantaro my ideas for the fic was that it was gonna be fairly dark with psychological horror and angst in general. i called the fanfic "Copycat" and honestly i might consider writing it but for the time being im kinda busy so maybe sometime in the future i will^^

sorry if my english and grammar is bad i kinda have a little struggle with it and also if the post itself is a bit jumbled up^^

@alissaanne23 okayy!!! theres a lot of people on here who are better at this but i'll give it my best to try and word what ive seen so far

disclaimer that I do not have a lot of real life experience with isfps, I just saw a trend in media where characters will be typed back and forth as istp and isfp, I will be dragging 'adjacent' types into this (esfp and infp) for some points because of my lack of real-life observation

I think one of the (if not the) main reason(s) why isfps and istps may look so similar at a superficial level is probably the combination of the dominant introverted function + auxiliary Se: Se is just a really goddamn 'vivid' and obvious function when on the stronger side and I think its sheer ""brilliance"" blinds people to the functions stacked around it at times. I think isxps navigate the physical realm in a very similar way to each other in the sense that we, regardless of enneagram and instinctual variants, have an inherent sense of comfort with moving in and interacting with the physical world and our five senses. It's more subdued than the way se-doms thrive in it, but it's still very "rooted" and natural. In social psychology, it's been stated/argued that people will make judgements on other peoples behaviour and personalities based on the information that is available to them, not necessarily based on the whole, objective picture, because that is simply unattainable knowledge most of the time. Neither istps or isfps feel the need to express our dominant function because it is introverted, personal to us and quite individualistic, so people on the outside will mainly see that auxiliary Se and make their judgements based on that information, which thusly leads to possible mistypings between the two. But..........that's just a theory

As for the differences, I can't say for sure how the Te-inf manifests in isfps, but in Fi>Te types like infp and esfp I have noticed that, though the Fi takes precedence by far, they'll sometimes seem to "switch voices" and all of a sudden (though the transition is a lot more natural in esfps than infps) say something incredibly Te-competence-focused-hard-facts-above-all.

Fe-inf on the other hand, at best, causes a sort of clumsiness in how Ti-doms express our care for others, and at worst, completely sabotages our relationships because we suck so bad at social conventions in interpersonal situations. In istps I think it really does manifest in actions speaking louder than words, and Ti-doms in general, regardless of whether they actually have it or not, tend to have a little bit of a 'Tism vibe because of this iykwim. For a good example of Fe-inf in action during a pickle I was gonna refer to Kwite's response to the allegations Youtube video, but I think he's deleted it (tbh who can blame him). He's an intp but it gets the point across.

Ti and Fi are both as I said quite individualistic in the sense that we don't feel like we have to voice that part to the world for it to be valid or whatever. A particular trend in Ti-doms I've seen is that we will pretend to be a lot more stupid than we actually are for many different purposes, but here are some examples: 1) avoiding getting the lion's share of work, 2) it'd make a really funny joke, 3) wanting to get out of a difficult social situation, etc. The sheer accessibility of the stupid-strat to this extent and level of commitment is something I have yet to see in any Te-user, though I'd love to be proven wrong. Ti doesn't care about being seen as competent because we know our 'truth'.

Contrasting this, from what I understand, Fi-doms and Fi-users in general have a remarkable ability to just 'sit' in their feelings and really actually feel them. Fi, based on what I'm seeing, also kind of works off the assumption that everyone's got their own inner emotional life and that there's not really a need to express it all of the time, but I might be wrong? It does come across as such though

So Ti and Fi are similar in how we got this sort of inherent self-confidence and are assured in how our dominant function works and how we do not owe anyone to show it, but we can regulate how much we express it if we so wish to (though we don't need to).

Another thing as to why isfp and istp may be confused is just purely stereotypes regarding thinkers vs feelers to be honest. Isfps are often categorised, along with infps, as uwu soft wittle babies with sensitive feewings while istps (and sometimes intps) can only ever be brooding, dark badasses OR robots with no grasp of human emotion. Obviously there's a lot more nuance to that in reality, but unfortunately I have come across at least a couple of cases where people will see a isxp character with intense emotions and immediately type them as isfp for that. Isfps are in touch with their emotions (unless unhealthy but that's another can of worms), whereas istps will downplay the importance of their feelings in favour of other things because Fi is just so low on the function stack for us, and so if we do acknowledge them we'll usually still rather choose for a Fe focus ("I feel like shit but my friend is depressed so I will concentrate on figuring that out instead"), so our emotional situation ends up getting buried anyway. But we obviously do have feelings, and when you repress them that much they're gonna pop out at very inconvenient moments, so emotional expression can be a lot messier and more erratic with istps than with isfps, who, as I said before, are generally more capable of choosing when and how to express their feelings. I say 'can be' because there are also a lot of ixtps who simply do not have a very wide and intense range of feelings, this is a more individually varying thing and this is written from the perspective of an istp with pretty bad mood swings, so not everyone may relate to this but that is inevitable with personality typology stuff.

Anyway TL;DR: Istps and Isfps have a similar vibe on the surface due to secondary Se being a very strong function in how visible it is. Differences between the types are most obvious in Te-inf and Fe-inf, with Ixfps suddenly turning towards a competence-focus in times of crisis whereas Ixtps are generally kind of clumsy socially and struggle to express their emotions and care for others in a comprehensive manner. Fi and Ti are similar in the sense that they've got some kind of self-assuredness in their being, leading to outward expression of these functions being an option rather than a necessity. Lastly, stereotyping of feelers vs thinkers don't help a lot in how more emotional istps and more 'cold' isfps are being typed, because the general concept here is that having even mildly intense feelings assigns one to being an isfp (while being able to make one (1) logically cohesive argument makes you an istp).

I hope this helps! I have no qualifications whatsoever so if anyone can correct me on anything go ahead o/

finished that fucking spencer reid fic and my life is not the same. i am not the same person i was 2 hours ago before reading that ROLLERCOASTER of a fic. i cannot believe persephonesgrace was the person to get me out of my 4 month reading slump. like ive been picking up books for 2 months and just putting them down halfway through because i cannot get through them.

wnwn is enthralling and intriguing and beautiful and it’s genuinely such a work of art. like there’s constant conflict but just the right amount of fluff. i’d say it has somewhat of a slow start but once you get to 25% it gets really good with the mystery factor. gave me massive manacled vibes but i like spencer reid as a character more than i like draco or hermione so i was so much more emotionally attached to this. 

it’s 218k words and the sequel’s 24k but it’s unfinished. which is fucking painful and i feel like i’ve felt that before. the sequel is so cute to read but it makes me sad because there is SO much potential. however i don’t have the same attachment to late show reid as a i do to early show reid so i don’t mind the series not continuing. it has a lot of conflict already set up but tbh, it’s a little too much conflict. like it’s bordering on stress with spencer and y/n’s internal struggle, as well as RAISING A CHILD, and how everyone wants to kill them and shit. like i totally understand why the author wouldn’t want to continue that because it’s stressing me out just thinking about all the plotlines trying to be intertwined. 

speaking of the author, let’s talk about the ending of the original 218k word fic. literally a fucking masterpiece. i am OBSESSED with thriller and romance, especially when it’s crafted as beautifully as this. as good as dead by holly jackson is probably my favorite book and it also does a combination of that. it’s also a very similar book to that, but this one is a lot more serious. i feel like with this, i realize sincerely that the best stories always leave you wanting more. this story has an ambigious ending that is generally sad, in like the way that it implies a lot of off-screen misery that we don’t see in detail. not to mention the fact that the person who wrote it didn’t have any social media linked. the story hasn’t been updated in a year and a half and i don’t think it will be coming back anytime soon. it’s not hard to see why, as the second project from what has been written looks to be even more complicated than the first. they reached too high for the clouds and got overwhelmed, probably. i wish we just had like a 50k word epilogue or something with mucho fluff, but honestly when you think about the storyline that would’ve been out of place. everytime a dragon head was slayed in the story 3 more dragon heads regrew in its place. we went from love confessions to mafia to corrupt society to soft parenthood to death in one fic. 

in conclusion, i have one more thing to note. i don’t think i will ever be able to re-experience how i felt reading that fic because i went in completely blind. the thriller and mystery aspect of it hit me like a truck. like i knew there was mystery but i didn’t know it would be so well orchestrated. the flashbacks were absolutely beautiful and paced so well; my jaw was on the floor the entire time. as i mentioned this fic completely flowed and changed in such a way that i didn’t predict even in the slightest. 

tldr: i love spencer reid. xoxo

i started a social media break about 3 weeks ago and tbh i don't think i want to return to most of it. i deleted all my social media apps off my phone and ive decided to keep tumblr active but only from my pc. it was just taking up way too much of my time and ultimately it was not making me happy. i'm a little saddened because people are not reaching out to me as much now that i'm not on social media enough to remind them i exist but overall i'm happy with the decision. it's getting easier to go without it but that addiction is strong. but i have been reading, drawing and writing way more and i am generally just happier <3

the new pokemon games are legit the worst ive seen in a major game in terms of performance.

the games look AND run bad. the slowdown is constant, the pop in is WILD and in general, the game just looks pretty shitty (though it has its moments few and far between). it’s also a very fun game.

It really proves what a lot of people have been saying in terms of the release schedule and the lack of time the devs have on this series. i consider it a small miracle that they got a game for this series of this scope released in a playable, enjoyable format. 

the game looks and feels very unfinished in regards to its technical aspects.

i remember thinking about how little time there was between legends arceus and scarlet/violet, 2 games that are pretty big departures from the regular pokemon format and how it might affect newer games and you can REALLY feel that in scarlet/violet. technically, it feels like a step back from legends.

pokemon company really needs to let the games have more time in the oven not only because there is a fantastic game in scarlet/violet hampered by its technical issues, but because i imagine that the dev cycle is particularly brutal having to churn out these games on such a short cycle.

people love shitting on the devs as if its their fault they have such a lack of time and love throwing out accusations of laziness, when the idea of a “lazy dev” is just an imaginary boogeyman loser ass gamers came up with to be as annoying as possible. tbh, these games prove to me the absolute opposite; that these games are released and are fun despite the lack of time they have for technical polish show how hard the devs ghad to work. it blows my mind that they pull it off at all, even if they are getting crunched.

the developers need some sort of relief. i dont really know what the solution is here. calling for a pokemon boycott seems pointless because the series seems to be so big that a boycott is sure to fail as it goes beyond social media spaces. maybe there will be a breaking point where the quality of the game dives so hard that they are forced to reconsider their scheduling, but that just seems to be a “wait and see” kind of situation. 

but the pokemon company needs some sort of wake up call. what they are asking of the developers is not healthy for the series and more importantly, its not healthy for the people creating the games. 

i feel spiritually connected to my cat. like she is an extension of me. she’s so perfect. it makes me sad. i wonder if this is how my mom felt of me. i wonder if im the less intense version of my mom. less intense in the sense that my life experiences really aren’t that bad however i take literally EVERYTHING to the extreme in my life. i’m like the more miserable horror story of my mom. it hurts me to know how much my mom tries to keep me happy and keep me functioning. she’s so scared to leave me home alone now. i don’t blame her tbh, im a ticking time bomb. but as of right now, there’s no game plan. i’m just in another rut of repetitive waiting. numb it all out with drugs to keep myself lucid and confused at the same time. i feel like im both figuring my life out and ending it all at the same time. i feel like im setting the people around me up for some serious trauma. like god awful. gosh i just hope i lose more weight before all that though. ugh idk im so embarrassed. idk what ive become. my life feels like it’s ending. all i do is sleep, work, get high, sleep, get high, sleep, work, get high. you get the drill. it’s also super pathetic that all im waiting on is to feel loved by my boyfriend. to maybe know where our relationship is going. what the plan is. do i just need to stop doing drugs in general? maybe. but that’s ok. i plan on smoking my last joint tonight and be clean on until sunday, maybe later. i’ll take a step back from my little “marijuana induced psychosis/spiritual awakening” and work on art, get off social media, think and reflect on the world with a sober mind, get out and do things with my mom. make an attempt at being happy. maybe do something with my life. agh whatever. i feel like i’ve destroyed my life but really im just in a limbo. i want to get out of this limbo. is he gonna say no to a life with me and am i gonna lose myself to guilty pleasures and suicidal tendencies, or is he gonna communicate and turn around and be ready to love me and have a life with me. whatever though, ill just continue to wait. right now my boyfriend hasn’t texted me since sunday night. i messaged him monday morning, he hasn’t responded since. but he’s been online. he gets on his pc, plays video games, texts his friends online, but won’t answer my message. but i won’t send another message reminding him im here. he loves me right? so he’d think about me, right? the last message i sent was saying “yeah i get it, you’re busy, don’t worry haha. how was your trip?” and so i am just assuming he’s too busy to answer back to me even though he’s always on bauldurs gate. ugh, IM SO FUCKING PATHETIC!!! ALL DAY I FANTASIZE AND WISH I WOULD JUST GET KIDNAPPED OF WISKED AWAY BY SOME OLDER MAN WHOD JUST LOVE ME AND TAKE CARE OF ME WHEN MY MIND GETS TOO MUCH FOR ME. he was supposed to be that for me… he was the older guy who promised me he’d take care of me if my mind and the world became too much. all i wanted was a backbone. i still wanted to achieve great things but all i needed was a partner and someone by my side as i attempted to make my way through the world. but now i feel like im not in his world. a small part of me feels like there’s someone else in his world. i wouldn’t know, because he won’t let me into his world. i thought it was supposed to be our world.

look how stupid i am. laugh at me please. shoot me.

about to sleep soon but yeah i gotcha sometimes tumblr feels lonely sometimes i get it but i dont spend much time on social media in general bcs of the loneliness

and its cool ! sch always takes precedence and im honestly just waiting for my acceptance email from the course i applied to (starting in april and im hella nervous tbh) and ive holiday'd for very long and it feels dry by myself. er but anyways, yeah let the inspiration hit when it hits it's like a random thing ykyk

and honestly my best bet on playable toland is soon on cn cos some ppl say that as new events drop in gl, related stuff drop in cn as well (like new ops in gl, said ops get skin in cn) those kind so maybe! see how! but i think it's rly just a matter of time. i predict that hell be after the next lim banner, or slightly before. its a wild guess but im going off gut feeling. and crossing my fingers but i hope next years cny unit is the second brother of the sui family + the phidia official guy (zuo le?)

anyways gonna sleep alr, but whats your predictions on toland? like class or archetype? im actually curious on this one since he seems so ?? to me like i cant tell at all mans. anyways have a nice day friendo !

good luck with your program omg! higher education is rough but it's worth it at least to me :]

i pay attention to what's going on on CN from cn youtubers to get an idea of what's upcoming over there, and i have before mlynar was playable- i just like the advantage of knowing what's up!! so i'm holding out on this. for a while i wondered if toland was going to immediately follow mlynar's release because it would seem to fit with what happened with fartooth releasing in "pinus sylvestris" and then immediately near light following with the nearlter + flametail release. i was sad to have been proven wrong but i think he's still in the cards all things considered because of how his sprite got updated in obscure wanderer and other factors like him becoming close to pinus sylvestris, having lore with mlynar that makes him relevant, etc. i think that those are good predictions for the next players on the sui sibling banners, i like seeing more of the siblings and cant wait to see what's up with chong yue. because from what i can tell he's the oldest brother, the one who was fucking with mr lee in invitation to wine, so like, what's up with that, buddy?

anyway- for toland, i've said before (though i don't remember where or if it was just in my head so don't worry about having asked) that i think he's gonna be a swordmaster or musha guard. this is because his swordwork is commented on in near light by monique, when she says that he holds his sword like a classically trained knight of kazimierz- almost like, hehe, he learned from a classically taught knight-in-training (this is one of my favorite details about them. either mlynar taught him some tricks directly, or they spent enough time together to learn from each other). i don't think he'd be another six star liberator like mlynar because their personalities don't seem to agree on that point. so i think he's either gonna be a swordmaster or musha, or they invent a new archetype for him that i don't even know about yet. the comments about him having swords and fighting like a knight of kazimierz lead me towards guard, at the very least. if he becomes playable, i want to do a tower of the kazimierz main events (maria nearl + near light + hypothetical third event) with these two, so, i'm really hoping for it because it sounds like a fun challenge.

// partly a vent? but also if you have any type of advice as to what i can do pls say,, gotta be honest im still INSANELY fucked on if im a system or not :( for a while i was dead set on it but i ended up just not saying anything to my therapist and fell back into that "ok no thats not me, im just a really vivid daydreamer" mindset.

then your blog auto-popped up as i was typing and i clicked it and im back to that "maybe" thing. im just so conflicted rn ughhh goddamnit :( ive been having an extremely stressful past few weeks (no specifics but alot of my trauma resurfaced, alot of shit triggered me, similar traumatic situations etc) and i missed both of my therapy sessions the past 2 weeks, so ive kinda reverted back to being dependant on alters who im not even sure are alters or not. and even THEN im not sure how to bring up to my therapist that i think i may have OSDD or DID?? like idk how im gonna come back after 2 weeks and say "hey btw all this traumatic shit came back up and i think i might be a system bc i talk to people in my head who arent me lol but anyways can i use ur fidget cube?" ??? SO much has happened and im really debating on just pushing down that it might be osdd/did and pretending nothing is wrong for the sake of keeping myself mentally stable yk ?? gotta say i just dont know what to do at all. lets also not forget im 13 and shouldnt even have to deal w this much stress EVER but dfghgtf. im just really struggling to tell if this is my maladaptive daydreaming or DID man :(

MaDD and plurality are weird to work w, especially since MaDD can and often is be caused by trauma and there are some expressions of MaDD that one could put on the plural spectrum. Its mucky either way and can suck to deal with

before i continue, id like to say our experience on therapy has...not been great so ill refrain from giving therapy specific advice for fear of our past experiences clouding our judgement, but you can share the trauma bits and get some help without talking about plurality. the rings system did some videos that might help about talking to a therapist,red flags ect, lovely folks, you should give em a watch if you havent. either way id say you prolly shouldnt bring this up yet, but info is also good in general

and also, some personal advice, be very very careful on the internet, especially social medias at your age. we were in your shoes once and it did fck us up quite a bit

either way, i seriously doubt youll be taken seriously, not in a bad way, full grown adults struggle to get help. and stressing about specifics can just lead to, you guessed it! more stress. its totally fine to drop all lables and just exist for a while and try and do whatever, talking w sysmates or daydreaming whatever, you dont have to name these experiences for now, just live them. doubt is weird, and youll almost def be wout dxing for a few years either way.

just live your life, try not to bring up trauma wout professionals, and be very safe on the internet, and preferably get off tumblr and move somewhere safer, its really not a place for people your age. i know you probably wont listen to that bit much, but at least be extra super safe.

self dxing can take years btw. its not really a matter of weeks, lived experience and analyzing yourself and just questioning takes a lot of time. take it slow

and its totally fine if its not did. or madd. or either. dont stress, dont try and conform yourself to dxes and stuff rn, especially since you are both v young and just started questioning. im not saying your age means you shouldnt, if you have did you have it rn, but things can take time to come to light. just b honest w yourself and open to the options, mkay? self dxing is a lot of research on top of the work. if you started questiong round now tbh many systems if they questions at your age would get a dx or self dx at like 15,16,17 ect ect, and thats if they question. do what helps you and talk to your therapist, you dont have to mention did but talk about questioning disorders and junk.

this sorta age is when figuring yourself out rlly starts to happen yknow? that doesnt mean you should be cornered off n stuff, n kept away from dxes, but it also means you should be very careful n research a ton. if you find smth you resonate w it, keeping it in the maybe pile for a year or two can seem like its a long time, but will help a ton in the end, if its true or not. if its stressing you out a ton, its okay to not think about it for a bit, you have time.

and again, please please please try and get off social medias they can mess w your head a lot, and try not to share your age online again. im torn abt publishing this n may delete this ask n repost the response, but im not sure

tldr:

i dont wanna tell you to not question or identify symptoms, but things change a lot n you are just dipping your toes into life. take things slow and sit on them, thats the best advice given to us at your age. you could be absolutely right, you could be confused, you could be dead wrong, and all of these are okay. just keep yourself open, research and rlly think abt it (like months of thinking abt it) before it can age properly in the maybe bin. and also be safe online, dont share your age and stuff n keep off toxic n inapropriate sites like this best you can. options are open and symptoms can change over time. just exist and take note of things. dont stress over lables, n self dx should stay in the possibly-maybe bin for now, itll be worth the wait

tagged by: @so1987​  thank you!!!

1. why did you choose your url?

I had just watched nge and wanted an asuka url and this was available lol. I have desperately and deeply wanted the single dash version for literally years but its never been available :// if you are hoarding it then pls know we are mortal enemies on this earth and i can and will fight you for it

2. any side blogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them.

well, first of all, this is a sideblog lol. my main is @paradoxspaces​

I’ve had various sideblogs over the years but at this point the only active one (aside from here) is an mcr/music sideblog @so-ingestible​. Once upon a time I ran @isgeorgehwbushdeadyet which is uhhh obviously now defunct but remains my pride and joy

3. how long have you been on tumblr? jfc since literally 2011 :/ ive seen it all and somehow stuck around which idk is probs in the dsm somewhere

4. do you have a queue tag? Is just ‘q’ right now, but back in the day I did used to have one of those dumb punny ones bc it was The Thing To Do

5. why did you start your blog in the first place? Started this blog bc I’d finished nge and was absolutely out of my mind about it and needed somewhere to vent that lol. Also I’d gotten this URL and it seemed a shame to waste it.

6. why did you choose your icon/pfp? this asuka has been one of my go-to pfps for yeaaars across various platforms. I like how judgemental she looks.

(tho just between you and me i have been thinking of changing it soon so mayhaps watch out for that)

7. why did you choose your header? I like the ‘red sea’ image and it’s not super obtrusive/obnoxious

8. which post of yours has the most notes? I have no idea lol I dont keep track of that. like i said i’ve been here since 2011 and have had multiple sideblogs in that time so is more work than its worth

9. how many mutuals do you have? is there a way to find this out that isn’t literally going through and counting? bc im like. not doing that.

10. how many followers do you have? 10k on here

11. how many people do you follow? 688

12. have you ever made a shitpost? lol yea sure whatever that even means

13. how often do you use tumblr? uh god probs too often? its really the only social media I use tbh

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog? who won? lol no, not really and especially not at this point. i just.....dont take tumblr seriously enough to muster the kind of energy to get into the maladjusted social thunderdome that goes on here. obvs i have been known to get snippy w anons and post about disagreeing w certain opinions bc i am, at the end of the day, a bitch, but i dont think thats the same thing lol.

however i will say that on my main (and off tumblr as well, unfortunately) circa 2012 I used to throw myself passionately and heroically into the most god awful unholy trenches of the vriscourse bc idk apparently i had nothing better to do back then and thought it was my mission from god to argue w people on reddit. if you know anything about the relationship between any given unmedicated 14 yr old prelesbian meangirl and vriska then you can probably guess how i acted--which is to say like an absolutely rabid fucking animal. 

15. how do you feel about ‘you need to share this’ posts? i ignore any posts longer than two sentences as a general rule

16. do you like tag games? (+) 17. do you like ask games? yes to both!

18. Which one of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous? o christ once again i have no fucking clue. if youre famous lmk

19. do you have a crush on a mutual? nah lol none of you are real

20. tags (no pressure!) o geez i will come back and edit this when im home xoxo

today -

im feeling frustrated w/ myself for posting so heavily about OCD this week bc i really dislike when diagnoses become synonymous w/ distress becomes synonymous w/ your social media presence - HOWEVER, i do feel that the OCD diagnosis is honestly the only one that i find helpful + seems to actually potentially be able to bring some relief via treatment routes. like tbh i dismiss everything else ive ever been diagnosed w/ at this point (self-undiagnosis ayyy) but the OCD feels real + true + i think that i should not let my mostly anti-psych ideology close me off from routes that may well actually provide major relief? so i apologise for (at least at present) being one of those blogs that i dont like myself, i just dunno what else to doooo and OCD is fairly solid shorthand so that i dont have to write out like 5 sentences detailing my obsessive thoughts each time lol

anyway, that said -

i fear this will get long, so

still bad, still very shameful / guilty / distressed, but i didn’t cry today, which can only be a good sign right? lol :/

i really think that if the past few months hadn’t been so bad... argh... i keep thinking this, which is annoying bc i cant change any of it, but i keep thinking of like all the shit that’s gone down

a) my sister’s ED being a long-term stressor for my own ED b) some blow-ups w/ my mum (in which she totally denied my even having an ED, nice!) c) fairly unremitting misogyny from ch/ess spheres (leading to me leaving a place ive spent probably hundreds of hours in over the past few years - honestly it took a lot to get to that point so you can imagine) d) ben getting ill (one of my worst triggers tbh), which resulted in a week-long starvation episode, as well as self-harming for the first time in a few years e) our fucking garden wall blowing over, making my already-present obsessive fears about the cat’s safety much more prescient and loud f) visiting ben’s family (which was fine, i should add), which was the first time ive been in a room w/ anyone other than ben/ana/shop people since pre-covid - and left me weirdly overstimulated for like 3 days afterwards e) general bullshit of living in england under the tories, general covid worries

like that’s a lot right? someone agree w/ me so i dont feel so stupid about this lol :/

but the thing im really struggling w/ in this episode is that previously ive always felt that it was me vs the misery - but now i feel like the misery is actually true and correct. which is really really unusual for me - i think i’ve said before on here that im basically at peace w/ who i am as a person. and now suddenly im not, and that’s been a fucking nightmare! bc ben, as he usually does whenever things go suddenly downhill, has been like - ‘be kind to yourself! do things you like! do self-care!’ and every other time i’ve been like right for sure :) gotta recover from this :) and this time im like ... you wouldn’t say that if you knew The Truth! you wouldn’t say that if you knew who i Really Am! bc of all this guilt/shame/etc i feel like the usual rules dont apply, that im not ‘ill’, that im literally just coming to terms w/ evil shit ive done in the past and that this is like some kind of delayed moral reaction, that im like finally appropriately feeling bad. (again about like years-old shit in which no one even got hurt) but i also logically know that that’s not true, and that this is an OCD episode, but bc the symptoms are so different to what im used to it took me like 5 days to realise that. and i really really hate this!!! it feels so DIFFERENT :(

and i think the fact alone that im desperately worried about things i did 3y ago ranging to like... 12? y ago rather than ANYTHING i did recently is a really good indication that it’s not appropriate guilt at all - that it is just OCD. i read some blog posts about OCD stemming from real events and it was actually incredibly enlightening  tbh wrt thought processes etc bc ive literally never had anything like this before so even just realising im not the only one, that this ISNT appropriate guilt to historic ‘offences’, that even if you have transgressed it’s still OCD, that was really helpful

(also just fyi i dont want to go into details bc i dont think its helpful for anyone most importantly me lol but just in case people are thinking i killed someone or st - i didn’t hurt anyone, i didnt cheat on ben, i didnt do anything that would get me imprisoned or even fined or you know whatever. like even looking back on this list i feel like i should be quite clearly more able to rationalise it as Not A Big Deal in the grand scheme of things but i cannot!!!!)

anyway i think i will probably give OCD-specific therapy a go bc even if this goes away, ive definitely noticed that the OCD is getting worse overall i think unfortunately, that like, the bad patches are worse than they used to be. which is fucking annoying. i don’t know why, i’m not sure that’s important. i suspect it’s bc my life has been (as detailed above) much more stressful lately, but the reasons for it don’t seem to matter v much, i think i need to be more concerned w/ like actually getting out of this

i will say that the obsessions about me actually being a lesbian passed fairly quickly (w/in like i wanna say a week or two?) so im really hopeful this will go the same way? but the fact that this particular flavour of OCD has been i would say worse than any of the other obsessions ive ever had is definitely some kind of wake up call that i need to take this seriously and not just do whatever the compulsions demand, just bc it’s easier

also just to finish - i have a pasty in the fridge that im too afraid to eat bc some condensation touched the wrapper, and ben was lifting it up like looking hungrily at it LOL. (he eats all the food i OCD-reject w/o really questioning it, which ftr i vastly prefer to it being this big fucking event every time)

and i was like - i guess given the circumstances you should probably tell me to eat it ben: yeah...

then we both just started laughing. brief moment of levity i guess

i also had a slight victory for my dinner. the saucepan was dirty, so i thought ‘better just have some instant noodles instead of washing this out, in case i miss a spot’, and then had the second thought of like - yeah this really IS why you are in this current mess actually, bc you do not ever go against these thoughts, and so i actually did wash the saucepan and used it to cook some pasta

So uhhh hi :>

For those of you who noticed ive been gone for a hot minute this is just a quick update on where I’ve been n what’s been going on all that fun stuff . For those of you who hadn’t noticed, understandable! have a nice day :>

I’ll leave the details under the cut (content warning bc I do discuss depression and eating disorders in passing, nothing explicit) but the tl;dr of it is that mental health and fuckin life have been putting me through the wringer so I took a step back from social media for like 2 months lmao sry but I’m working on myself!! and I think it’s time to just fuckin bite the bullet and come back bc I really do miss it here I miss my mutuals :c

I cant believe its been 2 months jhdsfgjhdsgf last time I posted was before Eden’s birthday now here we are it’s fuckin Leo season man the passage of time is wack. anyway storytime this past June was quite easily the worst month i have ever experienced as far as mental health goes. since deciding to drop out of studying psychology I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress re:my future and finding my path in life and idk ive just been spiralling Hard. During the worst of it I had fallen into the worst depressive episode of my life and had turned to disordered eating habits in an attempt to feel some sort of structure and normalcy and I was a miserable wreck for weeks. I wasn’t in a good mental space to be maintaining an online presence, let alone creating my own content. It had gotten to a point where I couldn’t engage in any of my hobbies because everything I made felt like shit so I would push them aside for weeks on end and eventually so much time had passed that the thought of coming back to them filled me with so much irrational anxiety and dread that all I could do was continue to avoid them and continue the cycle. u know, general clownery uwu

I won’t lie and say I’m 100% myself again tbh most if not all of these issues are still ongoing things that I’m actively working through. I’m not out of the woods yet but I’ve started taking antidepressants and talking to a therapist and spending more time with my friends and family and overall I’m in a muchmuchmuch better place than I was in June

That being said I do feel like I owe my friends and mutuals and followers an apology for essentially dropping off the face of the website and dipping for 2 months. while I can see in hindsight that my decision to take a break was a necessary one, I know that I could have done so in a way that didn’t involve me abandoning the website unannounced and making people worry about me, so for that i really am sorry :( I think I’m ready to be back and be better and just get back to enjoying mindlessly scrolling through anime

suprisingly not that many people ship them, but the thing is. the "&" is literally in the top 3 relationships!! i have not been in a fandom where a "&" is one of the most popular rships. (im not exactly.. against them? i prefer brotp in general but there are a lot of uh racist antis against that romantic ship so i like it on principle for the ~spite~)

i think theres a difference between a ship fic and a ..normal fic(?). like. usually in ship fics the plot and the focus would be their interactions/getting together. whereas for regular fics u can kinda balance plot and rship, but the main plot isnt actually getting together. do u kinda get what i mean haha

no no feel free to rant! its kinda funny that they taught u to swear in yr6 but rip for not being able to censor urself. and also. broke up. over facebook??? better or worse than text lmao.

the only rship ive had started off... not great. like it was an online friend from south america, and they asked me out literally the day i rejected my friend. so... i said yes out of guilt for rejecting my friend bc it didnt look like my friend was taking the rejection well ^^; not a wonderful start rip. went well for 6-8 months then we broke up bc the honeymoon period wore off and i havent talked to them since! ✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻 it was fun tho, but it felt honestly just more online friends tbh (....interesting decisions all around yknow? )

it be how it be. i was still id'ing as panromantic ace at the time. but still. im wondering if i could eventually "work" with someone? or is that just. allonormative asgsggshshd

i see enemies to lovers but what i Rlly want is enemies to friends to lovers. the friends is necessary!! at least in a long fic haha. ...and love at first sight sounds really fake to me? it sounds just like a hyperbole tbh. like maybe it was first wow u seem like a great person and then u like, get to know each other and then fall in love, etc etc

(👀 oop i type a lot. Rip)

oh yiiiikes i hate when fandom gets those racist fans. i’m kind of,,, dense?? about that kind of thing (abt a lot of similar things too), so whenever i see it, it’s like. mega bad. but nice! i don’t ever pay attention to what’s the most popular in terms of ao3 because when i get into a fandom i’ll blacklist every thing i’m not comfortable seeing in said fandom and then save that for when i’m gonna check out said fandom. for example [here is my atla filters], [here is my mha filters] and [here is my ml filters]. (i also use an extention called ao3rdr which has a blacklist function and my blacklist is SO LONG. but it’s an essential so that i don’t feel like my brain is going to rot by trying to find good fics.)

ye!!! i always think abt it in terms similar to genres. i hate watching films and regular books because genres are so....stilted? and ridgid in what it involves? so in fandom terms i think there’s two main kind of genre categories that have sub categories. there’s ship fic, then there’s genfic. no clue if these are wide spread terms i’ve just kind of understood it that way lol. but within those two categories, there’s sub genres like canon divergence that focus on said ship but with a focus on the plot as well so there’s two plots going on rather than just the main plot. usually there’s always equals in both sides. i think that’s what you’re thinking of. the difference is how the authors approach their fics, whether they think it’s a ship fic explorating the how do they get together of relationships or if it’s the genfic of exploring the relationship itself.

lmao yeah it was like. the only way we’d communicate in non-irl fashion because we were both like. 12/13 so we’d have like. pay as you go plans for our phones so i at least, hoarded my credit and primarily used alternate communication methods. so idk if this is wide spread but at the time we never got into the habit of communicating via text. it’s why still to this day i never ever contact my irl friends via texts, and always through social media (the only time i ever use facebook nowadays is to message my friends tho i’ve been,,,, rather lax abt that. i need to respond to one of my group chats but i’m,,, procrastinating). and we were both awkward people, so i wasn’t bothered by the online breakup, if he didn’t break up w me that way i’d have guessed we just,,, wouldn’t address the relationship ever again and still technically be together but not at the same time lol

oh man that sounds rough. never had any experiences w online relationships, but i can definitely see where it could feel like an online friendship. because,,, idk maybe it’s just me but there doesn’t??? seem like there’s much?? romantic-esque stuff you can do exclusively online?? it’s why long distance relationships are hard, and they only fit certain couples. and lol i deffo understand that feel of internet friends dropping out of your life suddenly. i still think of nearly all my internet friends fondly...except for the bad ones. yeah some of those ones ten years ago were p bad.

it is!! i think that people always shorten it to just enemies to lovers though because it’s easier to say lol. i’m MUCH more interested in the genfic varient of enemies to found family because it goes from “god i want to kill you so bad” to “god i need to kill for you like rn”. it’s just,,, *chef’s kiss*

(dw i type a LOT too lmaooo and sorry it took so long for me to reply, i didn’t feel like talking to anyone for a few days ahah i just get those kinds of moods sometimes. as evidenced by my also ignoring of my friend group chat of over seven years, that i’ve been meaning to reply to for over 24 hours and i haven’t yet. yay.)