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richmond-rex · 1 year

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Hi! I'm trying to read up on the York princesses' early lives and I can find frustratingly few details on the same. I was specifically curious about their various childhood betrothals that ultimately never came into fruition due to the death of their father, but I can barely find anything online beyond the bare basics (essentially: the names of the people they were betrothed to). I was wondering of any specific details of all their individual betrothals survived, and if they changed across the years of their father's reign?

And in Bridget of York's case - since she's more elusive to find than her sisters - was she destined for a church path since birth? I've seen some sites claim that her grandmother Cecily Neville named her with no actual evidence beyond her piety, but I always assumed it was her parents who was more likely to have done so? Both Elizabeth Woodville and Edward IV were connected to St. Bridget and Elizabeth was also very pious.

You know a lot about this era so I hope it's okay to ask, sorry if the question seems out of the blue!

Hello! Sorry for taking so long to reply, I had to sit down and look up some things because the story of the betrothal of Edward IV's daughters is quite murky. I will talk about the betrothals that were done during Edward IV's reign because after that it's another thing entirely.

Let's talk about Bridget first. Was she destined for a church path since birth? There's no way of actually knowing this, but it's entirely possible she was. On a practical level, as the king's fifth surviving daughter, a competitive dowry to be used in a foreign marriage alliance would be hard to achieve (more about Edward IV and dowries in a second). More concrete evidence though does come from her name. I haven't found many noblewomen named Bridget in late medieval England but the one I did find, Bridget Holland (daughter of Thomas Holland 2nd Earl of Kent, Richard II's half-brother), indeed became a nun. Like Bridget of York, she seems to have been the youngest of 5-6 sisters.

Saint Bridget of Sweden was a very popular saint in England and she was especially revered by the English royal family (who since Henry V's time were patrons of a Bridgettine monastery at Sheen, Syon Abbey). Elizabeth of York and Margaret Beaufort would go on to commission the printing of a list of prayers popularly thought to have been written by St Bridget. For the Yorkists, however, St Bridget held particular importance because one of her prophecies had been used to justify Edward IV's right to rule. Cecily Neville in particular owned a copy of St Bridget's revelations which she later bequeathed to her granddaughter Anne de la Pole who not only also became a nun, but rose to the highest rank of prioress at Syon.

Cecily Neville was Bridget of York's godmother. Traditionally, godparents were the ones to name ('christen') the child at their baptism. Of course, most time the parents had their input too before the child was brought to the baptismal font. Elizabeth Woodville was also devoted to St Bridget. Interestingly, Cecily left her religious books to the two granddaughters who became nuns: Anne de la Pole, which I commented on above, and Bridget. Bridget received Cecily's Legenda Aurea (a collection of saints' lives), a book about St Katherine and another one about St Matilde.

To me, it seems entirely possible that Cecily Neville might have planned Bridget's career as a nun from the very beginning. It's quite likely that Edward IV and his wife Elizabeth vouched for the idea too, considering how important St Bridget's prophecy had been for Edward's legitimisation as king, they might have made a promise/vow to dedicate one of their children's lives to the Church as many catholic people still do today. I've seen the speculation that Bridget was sickly/had some kind of impairment from birth that would make her less desirable in the marriage market but I don't think we need that as a reason for her going into a convent.

Now going into the other princesses. We already know about Elizabeth of York, right? First, she was betrothed to Warwick's nephew and heir, George Neville, as a way to appease him in 1469. Then she was offered to Prince Edward of Lancaster but Margaret of Anjou went on to choose Anne Neville which was probably for the best, as Edward IV's suggestion, at a time when Edward V was about to be born, was probably just a ruse. Elizabeth's hand was also used as bait to bring back Henry Tudor to England in 1476. And again, it most certainly was a ruse as by that time she had just recently been betrothed to the Dauphin of France. She would be known as Madame la Dauphine until France called off the betrothal in late 1482.

Mary of York occupied 'the rather unfortunate position' as Ross describes it, of being her sister's replacement in the marriage alliance with France in case Elizabeth of York died before the wedding took place. It would not be until 1481, by then a time when many doubted the French marriage would even go through, that Mary was betrothed to King Frederick I of Denmark. She would die the next year in 1482.

Anne of York was first suggested to marry Philip, the future Duke of Burgundy, in 1480 as a part of a tentative Anglo-Burgundian alliance against France that Burgundy desperately wanted but that Edward IV only toyed with to pressure France into honouring their marriage alliance and wed Elizabeth of York and the Dauphin Charles. In the words of Charles Ross, Edward IV's biographer:

Edward quite ruthlessly exploited the duke’s desperate need of English support to get Anne’s marriage on the cheap. Maximilian had wanted a dowry of 200,000 crowns with Anne; Edward, on the other hand, regarded paying no dowry as part of the price of signing an alliance with Burgundy. When Maximilian argued that it was quite unreasonable for the bride of one of the wealthiest heirs in Europe to have no dowry at all, he still had small success in persuading her father to release the purse-strings. The original marriage treaty, signed on 5 August 1480, was modified by supplementary agreements on 14 and 21 August, which effectively released Edward from paying any dowry on condition of releasing to the duke the first year’s instalment of the pension of 50,000 crowns which he was demanding from Burgundy.

Here we must remember that Edward IV wanted to marry Elizabeth of York without paying any dowry at all. On the contrary, France was to pay for Elizabeth's upkeeping until she was married to the Dauphin. Edward IV, whilst dealing with Brittany to marry his son Edward to Anne of Brittany, heiress to her father's duchy, established that if the Duke of Brittany had a son before their children married, one of his daughters was to marry the duke's new son, and that Brittany—not him—were to provide his daughter's dowry. Ross cites a Breton scholar that snarkily remarked that ‘to marry his daughters without dowries was the objective which this miser [Edward IV] set before himself in the last years of his life’. Harsh.

However, Edward IV did agree to pay Cecily's dowry! Although admittedly it was much cheaper (20,000 crowns) than Edward IV himself was asking for Anne of Brittany's hand in marriage to his son (100,000 crowns as the heiress of Brittany, 200,000 in case her father had a son). Cecily of York was first betrothed to James III's heir, the future James IV, in 1473 as part of a truce between England and Scotland that allowed Edward IV to go to war against France in 1475. The truce with Scotland fell through by 1480 and by 1481 Edward IV was committed to a war against James. The next year Edward was willing to back James III's brother Alexander against him, with the condition that Alexander was to marry Cecily ‘if the said Alexander can make hymself clere fro all other Women, according to the Lawes of Christian Chyrche’.

Alexander backed down after the English invasion of Scotland, and James III once again suggested Cecily marry his son and heir as part of the peace terms but Edward IV called off the betrothal for good later that year and demanded the repayment of the dowry portion he had already paid to Scotland. It seems Edward had decided to renew the war against Scotland by that time (November 1482) and back Alexander as king again. Amazingly, Alexander would go on to make peace with his brother yet again in early 1483. So by the time Edward IV died, Cecily's betrothal to Scotland's heir was cancelled for good. Richard III would wed her to Ralph Scrope, Baron Scrope's second son and a man that was part of Richard III's northern affinity.

I haven't found anything about Katherine of York's betrothal during her father's reign. She was probably too young, being born in 1479. EDIT: There was a plan for Katherine to marry Isabella of Castille's heir Juan as proposed in 1482. See reblog in the notes.

And that's it! Basically, Louis XI's peace treaty with Burgundy in December 1482 frustrated at least two of Edward IV's marriage plans. The Dauphin of France would marry Margaret of Austria (Mary of Burgundy's daughter) instead of Elizabeth of York. On the other hand, Burgundy, no longer in need of Edward IV's help, was under no obligation to go through with the marriage of Anne of York and the young Philip of Burgundy. Edward IV's falling out with Scotland also meant Cecily's betrothal was called out.

By the time Edward IV died the only betrothal that was likely to go through was Prince Edward's with Anne of Brittany, so whenever I see people saying that if it wasn't for Edward's death Elizabeth of York would be queen of France, Cecily queen of Scotland, Anne duchess of Burgundy etc I can only assume the person saying that doesn't know much about the upheavals of the 1480s — or Edward IV's own disinclination to pay dowries for the marriages of his daughters.

I hope this answer was of some help, and once again, sorry for taking so long to reply.

#ask #edward iv #elizabeth of york #cecily of york #anne of york #bridget of york #mary of york #edward v #historian: charles ross #anon

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quinnhills · 1 year

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Good to know you're feeling welcome! :D this is our little place in the internet, and we've decided to make it trans and gay as hell (n i gotta say, i did think "they-them gang! :o" when i found out you started using they/them too a while ago X3 ) n if you received this ask more than once, my tumblr bugged out before i could finish, sorry (。_。)

anyways, and sorry if this is long, but Woe- More Tumblr Things Be Upon Ye:

there used to not be an image limit before, causing a few- interesting posts… tho that changed a few years ago and recently, at first the limit being 10 images per post to now 30 images per post (you can also move the images around a bit)

if you plan on staying long term on tumblr and use desktop the most, i recommend getting the browser extensions Xkit &/or New Xkit cuz… yeah, tumblr is pretty nice, but it sometimes gets hard to use. it also adds extra useful things to the tumblr experience, which is nice to have. i'd say tumblr is like living in a cheap apartment in a calm area of the city. the place's great for what it is, just gotta be sure to leave rat traps near holes and dont worry about the Beast down the hall,

speaking of rats, we got an infestation. you may or may not have heard of it with the voter fraudage going with the polls a bit ago; since tumblr has little to No email verification, people outside tumblr buy bots to get in here and start posting malicious links. tho the bots are surprisingly easy to identify (often times blank blogs with very weird descriptions + stolen picture of lady or ai generated. you'll know it when you see it), and the protocol here is block and report spam so staff can deal with it

and btw if you want to keep a post for as long as your blog stands, i recommend rebloggin! thanks to how tumblr is build as, even if the original post or that blog is gone, the reblog will stay with you (+ tags on reblogs dont really make a post expand outside of your own blog, so many use this to create Very intricate personal tag systems to make easier finding posts, bc once a blog gets 1k+ post in it, it gets hard finding anything on it... <- knows this from experience u.u)

oh and last thing before i go again (and something i found out recently), another browser extension ive been loving: Stylus! with it you can customize a ton of sites to your liking And with a specific style found in the archive of this extension, you can change how the dashboard looks! even changing the background to any image you might want :D

so yeah, thats it, for now. i got more info if you want it, just lmk 👉👈

and you probably already noticed this, but there isnt really any word limit for posts or asks around these lands. tho on tags, the character limit on a single tag is 139. but you can put a Lot of tags, so there! be free mx quinn, no character limit holds you down no more ヽ(✿ﾟ▽ﾟ)ノ

Thank you so much for the knowledge!

Some Quinn Facts:

Mx., Ms. and Miss are all acceptable :)

I use “gay as hell” as a sort of tongue-in-cheek shorthand, but I also identify as trans as hell, queer as hell, non-binary as hell, lesbian as hell, and anxious/depressive as hell

I’m a vegetarian

My favorite food is pineapple pizza (controversial, I know)

For a few years in the early 2000s, I was a licensed auctioneer

The most times I’ve ever cried during a movie is 5 times during Happiest Season

I like the idea of books, but I’m bad at reading them

Overalls give me gender euphoria, and I don’t know why

I hope to release a solo album within the next year

I hope to direct a feature-length film by the time I’m 40

Coming out was the best thing I ever did

#i am now testing the one hundred and thirty-nine character limit of the tagging system—not because I don’t believe you but because this just #is how my brain works #limit reached #test complete #thank you

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catwouthats · 4 months

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Do you know how I can watch stuff that’s usually on Disney plus in a way that doesn’t give them money?

Yes!

I have four answers for that!

1) Your local library

I know that not everyone is comfortable with pirating. The good news is that, nowadays, some libraries will let you borrow streaming services! I’d ask your library if they have something like that available (it’s usually a firestick) and if not, ask if any other libraries connected to your main one have it.

Also, even if they don’t have the streaming service, usually they have some sort of way to rent out movies or shows (weather online or in person)

And my dear college and information yearning friends, libraries have many databases and textbooks you can use for free!

2) A friend

Sometimes, someone else is already paying for it. Maybe a friend’s sibling or parent is paying for their whole family. Or maybe that person is paying themselves (Of course you wish they wouldn’t give money to them, but sometimes no amount of talking will stop them unfortunately). You could ask a friend, online or not, to share their account/family account with you!

3) Watch parties

A group of people coming together to save money/boycott shitty things. What’s better than that?

Online: Sometimes people will sharing their watching experience online. Usually on discord, tiktok, or instagram. You can join, you just of course have to find the accounts/servers that host these watch parties. I’d ask around on Reddit in order to find servers to join that do movie nights.

In real life: Also, you could get a group of friends/a club together to watch something on someone’s TV or some shit (some people even have those phone projector things so it actually feels like the theater). This is especially a good option if you’ve tried everything else and don’t want to personally resort to piracy… but might have a friend who’d do that for you…

You can find clubs at libraries, schools, colleges, and even retirement homes btw.

4) Pirating (of course)

To some people this might seem scary (because it runs the risk of viruses and and such), meanwhile, others might not even know how to pirate.

Here is how to pirate and precautions you should take when doing so:

Try to have an ad blocker (you don’t have to, it’s just an extra layer of protection. You probably should have one though)

You can use your phone instead of a computer, just know that it WILL fuck your phone up a little (personally I use my phone bc my computer is much more prone to viruses and information leaks. Ive been doing this for years and my phone’s fine… unless my storage gets near full/I have too many tabs open.)

Some internet providers may block you from using pirate websites on Google or Safari. I use Yandex as a search engine to get around this. With Yandex all I have to do is search “[movie name] watch now” and it will instantly come up for free.

Usually you can look up common pirate/free sites online and you’ll get some okay sites. Personally I use moviesjoy.is for live action movies/shows, readcomiconline.li for comics, and wcostream.tv for anime/cartoons.

Always ALWAYS X out the pop up tabs and close out things that say “you need to download this first” YOU DO NOT NEED TO DOWNLOAD ANYTHING FIRST (usually. Some websites do have downloadable versions… personally I don’t use those bc it risks viruses.)

Sometimes X ing out doesn’t work. you will have to reload the page or wait like 5-10 seconds for the X (or for “close”) to appear. It can appear in any corner of the screen. Sometimes even the middle of the screen. Like middle center or some shit.

It could take you between 1-10 tabs/pop ups to close before you’re actually able to access the shit. Especially if you don’t have an ad blocker. Be patient.

Going incognito mood would help keep your info safe… but personally I find it doesn’t make a difference. Doesn’t hurt to be extra careful though.

Also, would not recommend looking at questionable things on pirate sites on a library computer/property. Even if you clear history, the library knows. (They didn’t gaf that I used readcomiconline to read some comics on their firebook thingy. It’s just… know that they know.)

#piracy #pirate that shit #protect public libraries #books & libraries #boycott disney #boycotting #boycott israel #Marvel #boycott marvel

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autisticbokutoenthusiast · 13 days

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i know that only like 2 other people on this webbed site care about womens volleyball but what is everyones thoughts on vnl so far and olympic predictions 👀

i think china, italy, and japan are gonna qualify through vnls for the olympics. i cant make my mind up between canada and netherlands for the fourth spot, on the one hand canada is ranked slightly higher rn and have played the best ive seen them but also the netherlands match against china was really impressive

i think vnl quarterfinals is gonna be:

thailand - hosting so automatic qualification, theyre my fav team and im happy they get to host the final round but i dont think my girlies are gonna make it past quarterfinals, at least not this year (though their win against dominican republic was great AND they took a set from the usa even if their loss to korea was frustrating, something happened between weeks 1 and 2 and they came out stronger because of it also my girl wipawee is proving me right that this is her year)

brasil - currently ranked 1 and their bench and starters have been lethal. gabi is solid as always nyeme has been making so many great saves. also i love the way the crowds erupt when thaisa comes on court i never get tired of it. i think they can make it to finals if not taking gold

usa - i know they havent been dominating but they seem to still be testing out their younger players, like washington/drews/hancock all havent even played yet- drews aint even on the roster and shes usually a go to player for them. their loss to china sure was something and they lost to brasil for the first time in like 5 years but their week 1 team wasn't their strongest and we knew this, it certainly gave newer players/ their bench some good experiance. excited to see how they match up with poland and turkiye later this week.

poland - lavarini has been great for them also they have wołosz back and stysiak is a monster and i thought genuinely they had a great chance of making it to finals last year if texas ac hadnt sabotoged them

italy - (now that egonu an sylla are back) for sure they can do it also antrapova in their pocket is great and in general despite the stumbling last year their team is doing well this tournament like their win againt turikye was great and that was with their week 1 squad

turkiye - won last year and are in a great position having both karakurt and vargas- (i like their odds better when they use them as subs for eachother more than having karakurt play outside but santarelli obviously knows much much more than me lol) they havent swept as much as i thought they would but they are human. and if they are on their game then theyre unstoppable but 3-1 loss to italy and 3-2 to japan took me by surprise. still would never count them out theyre obviously making it through. excited to see their game against serbia tn

china - silver metalists from last vnl. yall know i love yuan xin yue and want to see her play but also wang yuan yuan has been great this week also zhu ting is back on the roster!!!!!!! as im writing this their ranked 4 so i have a good feeling about them

for the last team idk but it could be:

japan - put some respect on kogas name!! girlie has been fantastic this tournement and winning against turkiye is huge imo and theyre game against brasil was amazing even if they didnt win they fought hard those 5 sets. genuinely i think japan is more primed to win the mental battle of the game i have such high hopes for them

canada - if they can get back to their week 1 play style i wouldnt count them out even tho its unlikely

serbia - usually is an easy prediciton but theyre right now behind korea in the rankings.... but they dont have boscovic back and their squad seems to be pretty young and they fight hard so it can still be them

dominican republic - though they haven't been winning a ton so far they are one of my ult teams i love them dearly and i hope castillo joins them again soon cause she is my favorite libero

i dont really have thoughts on olympics as of now except for my qualification predictions

hoping a single other person wants to talk about this!!

#vnl 2024 #women's volleyball

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godstrayed · 11 months

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three blog updates:

ok fr imma start using my queue because i blinked and suddenly have 50+ things to reply to... and typically i try to not let myself get over 15 drafts since a lot are multipara. so i apologize if it takes me a while to get to your reply/catch up some. <3 i will probably post 5+ replies a day til im caught up some. but it makes me really happy people wanna write with me but holy shit- i think this is the most ive ever let myself get in all 10+ years on this site. idk how yall REGULARLY have this many.

also i have been doing this for a while but i prioritize drafts/replies over memes. i tend to write the memes when i need break from my drafts. typically if you're new with writing to me i almost always write the memes y'all send (mostly to act as starters if you'd like) but for everyone else who is a regular writing partner i mostly do them at my earliest convenience/when i have inspo/shuffle through to the ones i have ideas for but don't necessarily do them all 'cause a lot of you send multiple. (esp if we have multiple threads already). but that doesn't mean to stop sending them if you'd like to! i just pick and choose the memes that i wanna write. :')

i am probably gonna be more selective in terms of who i write starters for since so many go unseen/unreplied and at this moment of time, i have so little free time i wanna send it on the people who want to actually write with me. i hate writing starters anyways cause i feel like mine are all awkward/cringey, so i might require intensive plotting to make sure y'all serious and/or the other person write it so i don't feel disappointment or mildly peeved it doesn't even get one reply when i took the time out of my day to write it when i got like 140 hour work weeks dkjsfkjs so my spare time is super precious to me :(.

best way to contact me to write/plot is d1scord as always but for now i'm gonna get to work on catching up >:)

#&. ooc.#&. updates.#( i just dont want anyone to think i am ignoring them )#( or just not doing their memes )

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pool-floatie · 3 months

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I feel the need to share my g/t experience with erryone since its been on my mind for a while and I find it interesting how early on It showed up.

Ever since I was a little kid, probably 5-7 years old, I had little daydreams occasionally about giants taking me to their houses or a park or wherever and they would tease me and have fun with me, I was always scared of course because apparently ive always liked this fearplay bullshit, but i still found it exhillirating and fun. Of course it wasnt romantic or anything until I got older, just,,, like a really tall roller coaster, scary but exciting.

When I started reading, i found one of the borrowers books, i think my mom actually got it for me (maybe i had mentioned the daydreams??) ! I think it was The littles and The Biggs families, but yeah. I loved it and i tried to find more but they werent at my school library 😭 so Iworked with what I had, a book and a dream. (lol cringe-)

While i was in 4th- 6th grade I had kind of repressed it, I still thought about it on occasion but i started to realise that nobody else had that interest and it was just a wierd thing with me... Until I watched the BFG (cliche right 🙄) it was when the movie came out and people were talking about it! For a while it held the title of my favorite movie just so I could talk about it when people asked that particular icebreaker.

One night in like... 7th grade I had a dream that i was at church (lol cringefail imagine being religious...) and I picked up a piece of paper inviting people to come test out an experiment... Then i saw a flash And somewhere from the depths of my memories, my brain pulled out one of my old daydream scenarios.

I was in a laboratory with several other humans and we were all in a big glass box. Surrounding us were giants who took us out of the container and gave us baths, undressing us and scrubbing us down with toothbrushes so we would be clean for the examination.

I was taken away to a desk and meticulously examined from head to toe, the giant tried to probe me with questions but I was too shocked to speak.

Thats all I can remember but I was so fascinated by the dream that I started telling my family about it, now of course nobody wanted to hear me talk about my dream for 20 minutes, so my mom encouraged me to write it down.

And oh hell did I write.

My first long form writing stemmed from a dream I had, i wrote for months, of course, I was 13 do it was flaming garbage but I was so happy about it and thought it was a masterpiece.

So naturally as anyone would, I emailed it to my english teacher.

She never responded.

I wonder why.

To this day I pray that she never opened it, her emails being too cluttered with important school things that it got lost and never crossed her eyes.

But still, it was through this little writing that I began to realise my potential (lol cringe origin story-)

I still have the draft of the story, its plot and characters were a good foundation, and perhaps one day i will look it over, change a few things, get cancer and die.

During quarantine I discovered Sanders Sides, which led me down a fanfiction rabbit hole, which led me to tumblr, which led me to a creator called delimeful , not sure if they want to be tagged in this so I wont... They wrote some marvelous G/t Sanders sides fanfic and i soon realised... This is a community, it wasnt just them.. There was, so /much/ so many artists and writers that shared this niche interest, a community of people who g e t i t .

It started slow, I continued interacting with the tumblr community ( hell, the husk of my old blog might still roam this site (|||O⌓O;) )

Only ever looking for safe, wholesome g/t.

But where was the stomach-dropping exhilliration I had felt before, that rollercoaster feeling? What was missing??

I needed the fearplay, and in looking for it i stumbled into vore and that dynamic, playing with pred/prey and even more teasing. I was hesitant at first.

But lo and behold that was the gawd damn ticket. I started to write again, finding new stories and creators and tropes galore! I learned about the community, the terms and the subgenres!

Finally I gained confidence in my writing ability through a class that helped me grow my skills and practice.

And I eventually decided i could share all my hard work. All this time I had spent worrying if i should just keep it to myself, but i reminded myself of all the non beta read and unfinished work i had seen, and looking back at my own I was less afraid, people still liked it even then... So what could they say about mine ?

There ya go, thats my,, I guess life story told through the g/t Timeline.

Hopefully I was vague enough to not give away any behind the scenes, yall will never know who I am 😈😈😈

Also im not trying to bash any creators, I appreciate everyone who contributes to the community with anything they have.

#g/t #giant/tiny #giant #tiny #g/t backstory #micro/macro

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olivieraa · 16 days

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actually, y'know, idek when was the last time I talked about ygo abridged

like if I happen to be on tumblr when an ep comes out I'm like *O* and I'll post about it cause to me tumblr was always a "get your feelings out in the moment" site so in those moments I'm like aaaah new ep!

but never like talk talked about it, last time would be over 10 years ago defo

honestly? its special to me. Ive a great memory but I defo struggle with this not knowing the order, so it was either a) I decided to finally watch AN ANIME for the first time ever and put on inuyasha, THEN got curious about returning to yugioh and discovered season 0 and THEN watched the abridged or b) I randomly remembered I'd never seen the end of ygo and so looked up amvs of it on youtube thus discovering ygo season 0 came first and then found the abridged through that and THEN realised I wanted to welcome anime into my life and so I started Inuyasha and sooooo on down I went, the anime road from then on

so, ygo abridged is at the beginning of that journey

at that time in my life, I was heavily struggling with ocd. and I was ditching school a lot. if I wasn't hiding in the town library for 6 hours, I was at a friends who decided to ditch with me. I had my two reliables. and we always watched the abridged together. quoted it non-stop. eventually I was dating a lad for a month, and when we broke up (he had the same friends as me), HE started quoting the abridged with them as well cause they showed it to him. made me MAD! lmao

it was also something I watched every time we went on a ride to look at houses during the recession in 2009-2010. those long drives. abridged kept me and my brother sane lol

and then cut to being online with online friends, and tumblr, we all shared the abridged love with each other.

it was just unfortunate the episodes were rarer at that point but definitely... more frequent than they are now. they were coming out prob around 4.... times a year. maybe? whereas they used to be weekly. so that was a big change.

and now they're once a year. you're lucky if there's 2.

but here's the thing.

yeah its a parody. but idk... the fact that you can just pick up where you left off every time and not be a confused mess makes me happy. the fact that the characters are so distinctive and you never forget their personality traits is amazing to me.

I'm just proud of LK bc he could have dropped it a long time ago. I've seen youtube channels have their hype years and then fans disappear CONSTANTLY. video views going from 2.5 mill to maybe 30k. it happens.

but a good chunk of people who have been watching the abridged now for 15 years now or more still get excited when a new once a year ep drops. you just pick it up, have a giggle fest, wipe away a tear and then move on. never sitting there in anticipation for the next cause you know it'll be a while. just... happy to go on youtube and see one randomly there on a random day when you're not looking for it.

it fills me with joy.

my ONLY con here is that, bruh, season 5 to me is the best ygo arc. I been wanting to see that shit abridged for soooooooooo fucking long. there's so many scenes that I wanna know what he does with. I want to see Bakura without Marik, cause LK's flaw with Bakura was that he knew how to write Marik on his own but not Bakura on his own. so I wanna see that more. I wanna see what he does with Set and Kisara, what direction he goes. I love Joey's ghost moments in the main show so I I'm hyped for that.

the sad thing about it is being hyped for something I prob wont see till.......................... 2028? 2030?

probably.

but I'll still be watching. if he makes it that far anyway <3

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jcmarchi · 6 months

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Particle Physicists Put Forward Research Priorities for Coming Decade - Technology Org

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Particle Physicists Put Forward Research Priorities for Coming Decade - Technology Org

A panel of the nation’s top particle physicists, chaired by University of California, Berkeley, theoretician Hitoshi Murayama, has issued its final report recommending how the U.S. government should commit its high-energy physics research funds for the next decade and beyond, focusing on neutrinos, dark matter and the cosmic microwave background.

The cover graphic of the P5 report illustrates how discoveries in the quantum realm (left) combined with observations of the hidden universe (right) can intersect to uncover new physics. Image credit: American Physical Society

The report by the Particle Physics Project Prioritization Panel (P5) was approved by the High Energy Physics Advisory Panel (HEPAP) and will be sent to the two main funding agencies for physics in the U.S. — the Department of Energy (DOE) and the National Science Foundation (NSF) — to aid them in their decisions about which research to fund. The HEPAP, a permanent advisory committee to DOE and NSF, constitutes a prioritization panel every 10 years.

The panel, consisting of 31 members and one ex-officio member from the U.S. and abroad, considered only large- and medium-sized physics research projects — the kind that can take years or decades to plan and build, enlist contributions from thousands of scientists and cost billions of dollars.

Above-ground portion of the IceCube Neutrino Observatory at the South Pole. The experiment currently consists of strings of detectors embedded in 1 cubic kilometer of ice. The planned IceCube-Gen2 would have many more detectors and 10 times the sensitivity to neutrinos. Image courtesy of the IceCube collaboration

To fit within budget constraints — likely less than $5 billion from the two agencies over 10 years for new projects — the panel had to combine or reconfigure many proposed projects and turn down perhaps two-thirds of them.

“Fiscal responsibility has been a big thing on our mind to make sure that the recommendations are actionable by agencies and can be followed up,” said Murayama, the MacAdams Professor of Physics at the UC Berkeley. “We had to be really realistic about our plan.”

The five recommended projects with estimated budgets exceeding a quarter of a billion dollars each are:

The Cosmic Microwave Background Stage IV experiment (CMB-S4), which will use telescopes sited in Chile and Antarctica, supported by U.S. infrastructure at the South Pole, to study the oldest light from the beginning of the universe. The polarization of the CMB can tell cosmologists about the gravitational waves generated during inflation in the early universe and help them understand what was going on when the cosmos was still microscopic.

Enhancements, including an upgrade in power and experimental capabilities, to the Deep Underground Neutrino Experiment (DUNE) in South Dakota. The DUNE is the centerpiece of a decades-long program to reveal the mysteries of elusive neutrinos. The U.S.-hosted international project will exploit a unique underground laboratory, the Sanford Underground Research Laboratory, now nearing completion, and neutrino beams produced at Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory in Illinois.

A Higgs boson factory, located in either Europe or Japan, to advance studies of a still mysterious particle that was only discovered in 2012, yet which gives mass to all other forms of matter. An accelerator that produces lots of Higgs bosons would allow precise measurements of the boson’s properties and help physicists understand how the particle fits into current models of the universe and whether it is connected with dark matter.

A Generation 3 (G3) Dark Matter experiment that would combine four different international experiments — including the LZ experiment led by Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory — into one comprehensive program to probe the enigmatic nature of dark matter, which makes up a significant portion of the universe’s mass and energy and has been one of the most enduring mysteries in modern physics. The panel recommended that this experiment be built in the U.S.

Expansion at the South Pole of a neutrino observatory, which earlier this year mapped for the first time the sources of neutrinos from the Milky Way galaxy and outside our galaxy. Called IceCube-Gen2, it would be an international collaboration operated by the University of Wisconsin–Madison. The observatory now consists of detectors embedded in 1 cubic kilometer of ice; the expansion would increase the observatory’s sensitivity by a factor of 10.

The panel also recommended investing in studies of a future muon collider. While most particle accelerators today rev up electrons or protons and smash them together, a muon collider would accelerate short-lived muons, which are fundamental particles like electrons (they’re both leptons), but much heavier.

A muon collider could explore new frontiers of physics with much less energy input than a proton collider. The panel proposed Fermilab as a good place to build a demonstration collider to test the unique technology.

“In the P5 exercise, it’s really important that we take this broad look at where the field of particle physics is headed, to deliver a report that amounts to a strategic plan for the U.S. community with a 10-year budgetary timeline and a 20-year context. The panel thought about where the next big discoveries might lie and how we could maximize impact within budget to support future discoveries and the next generation of researchers and technical workers who will be needed to achieve them,” said Karsten Heeger, P5 panel deputy chair and Eugene Higgins Professor and chair of physics at Yale University.

The panel also urged DOE to establish a fund, like NSF, that would support small-scale projects.

“We need to really look at the balance between big things — of course, we’re all excited about them — but also small things, to really keep young people going,” Murayama said.

“In some cases, small projects can involve thinking really outside the box and can be high-risk, high-return, in terms of scientific results. That kind of combination we feel very strongly about.”

The panel was also tasked with looking at diversity issues within the particle physics community.

“We came up with actionable recommendations for how we can improve the climate in the community, which is still very much dominated by white males. I hate to say this, but that’s true,” Murayama said.

“One of the big discussions we had was about how to make the community more inclusive and mutually caring for each other. We have clear recommendations along those lines.”

The report built on the output of a Snowmass 2021 high energy physics community planning exercise in Seattle, Washington, organized by the American Physical Society, the only independent body in the U.S. that represents particle physics community as a whole. The new knowledge and new technologies discussed there set the stage for the P5 report.

“The Higgs boson had just been discovered before the previous P5 process, and now our continued study of the particle has greatly informed what we think may lie beyond the standard model of particle physics,” Murayama said.

“Our thinking about what dark matter might be has also changed, forcing the community to look elsewhere — to the cosmos. And in 2015, the discovery of gravitational waves was reported. Accelerator technology is changing, too, which has shifted the discussion to the technology R&D needed to build the next-generation particle collider.”

He noted that the two triangles on the cover of the report are meant to emphasize that looking at smaller and smaller things — the realm of traditional particle physics — must be combined with a look at larger structures, such as the evolution of universe, to get a complete picture of what the report describes as the “smallest constituents of our vast and complex universe.”

“The P5 report will lay the foundation for a very bright future in the field,” said R. Sekhar Chivukula, 2023 chair of the APS Division of Particles and Fields and a Distinguished Professor of Physics at the University of California, San Diego.

“There are extraordinarily important scientific questions remaining in particle physics, which the U.S. particle physics community has both the capability and opportunity to help address, within our own facilities and as a member of the global high energy physics community.”

Source: UC Berkeley

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milllascl · 2 years

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eldritchqueerture · 3 years

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Point of View - Original Statement Fic

Point of View (5004 words) by LadyNikita Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: The Magnus Archives (Podcast) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Characters: Original Statement Giver(s) (The Magnus Archives) Additional Tags: Statement Fic (The Magnus Archives), Original Statement (The Magnus Archives), this was intended as the eye but evolved into the vast as well, happens, cosmic horror, attempt at Eldritch Madness, unreality, Discussions of pointlessness and meaninglessness, Canon-Typical The Vast Content (The Magnus Archives), from the eps about space, Mentions of Death, Compulsion, discussions of free will (kind of), Dissociation, Panic, Mentions of addiction, Leitner Book (The Magnus Archives), except it was not possessed by Leitner, Pretty Colours <3, Neurodivergent Protagonist, Queer Protagonist, because I can project a bit as a treat, Can Be Read Without Prior Knowledge of the Podcast (I think)

Summary: "Humans crave understanding. They strive towards knowing more and more, that’s what all science is about, isn’t it? To study, to learn and understand; to seek answers to questions. But are we really equipped to handle the answers we seek? Even if we were able to reach them, are our minds advanced enough to grasp the truths about the world we live in? What if there are things just beyond our understanding, lurking in the shadows of reality, peeking into our world just enough to feed on us, on our uncertainty and our pathetic scrambling towards answers that would only bring madness?" --- Statement of Lyria Ellison regarding a different point of view and the dangers of knowledge.

Notes: Hiiiiii <3 I've been reading Lovecraft recently and as much as I hate the dude, The Colour Out of Space gave me so much inspiration that I immediately sat down and produced this in one sitting. I've been meaning to play with the concept of eldritch madness for a while; something about this trope is really appealing to me and I'm really enjoying my attempts at shaping it with words. Lyria is a preexisting OC of mine, I will give some background on her in the end notes because I love her very much. This is a form of practice for me; I'm playing with horror themes and I'd like to get acquainted with them to better incorporate them into my overall writing. Therefore I will accept constructive criticism if anyone wants to give it, but only in the form of DMs, either on Tumblr (your-queer-vampire-dm) or on Discord, if we know each other through a server. All of the warnings I think should be mentioned are in the tags, but if you think something should be added then please tell me!

Date: May 10th , 2018

Name: Lyria Ellison

Subject of experience: A different point of view and the dangers of knowledge.

—

How do you start telling a story that changed your heart, your mind, and your soul so profoundly that you can barely still function in a society? How do you say all that without sounding borderline insane? Nobody knows what I’ve seen, what I’ve been through. I know they would all say I’ve hallucinated it all and should seek treatment. But I know it won’t help. I know… I know so much now. Too much and not enough. Never enough. I know what happened was real . I don’t have proof so I’m guessing you won’t believe me either, but I need to tell someone about it. So I might as well tell you.

My name is Lyria Ellison and I’m a neuropsychology major. Ex-major, I should say. I dropped out after… Yeah. I dropped out; there’s not much point in continuing studying things about the feeble, insignificant human brain. Utterly pointless venture.

Humans crave understanding. They strive towards knowing more and more, that’s what all science is about, isn’t it? To study, to learn and understand; to seek answers to questions. But are we really equipped to handle the answers we seek? Even if we were able to reach them, are our minds advanced enough to grasp the truths about the world we live in? What if there are things just beyond our understanding, lurking in the shadows of reality, peeking into our world just enough to feed on us, on our uncertainty and our pathetic scrambling towards answers that would only bring madness?

Just a year ago, I was convinced I was going to finish my degree. I was so passionate about it too, eager to learn more and more, to research and seek knowledge. Curious and fascinated by the world around us. What a foolish thing it was to give into that drive. My mind was open to the supernatural, although I always approached it scientifically; I never said the supernatural existed, but I also never said it didn’t. It was plausible; all in all, every scientist must accept that there is still a vast amount of knowledge we don’t have about the world.

The ignorance was a blessing. But I shall not get ahead of myself.

It started around December last year; my dad had died, and my girlfriend, Shawala, and I were clearing out his house. There wasn’t really anyone else to do it; my mother had passed a couple years prior, I had no siblings, and extended family was out of the picture as well; and my dad had gathered a lot of things in his adventurous life; he was a traveller, and he loved the world, loved learning about it, just like me. I was feeling pretty overwhelmed with it all; my dad meant a lot to me back then, and Shawala proved an excellent support at that first shock. She promised to do some first view assessments of the ground floor, while I went to scope out how things looked in the attic.

It’s always either basements or attics, isn’t it? I used to read horror, Lovecraftian was my favourite – how ironic, isn’t it? How stupid . How utterly ignorant. The hubris of the human race at its finest.

Anyways, the attic was half-lit from the small windows in the roof, and dust was swirling in the faint light of the afternoon sun. It was cold here, but I didn’t pay much mind; the house was old, and it wasn’t surprising that there was draft. To say the space was cluttered would be an understatement; I could barely walk around the numerous boxes, old furniture, crates, and overflowing bookshelves; all of which made something in my chest curl tight, bringing tears to my eyes. I steered my steps towards the nearest bookshelf; I’ve always been a bookworm, fascinated by nearly any tome I came across; I’ve been reading popular science books since I was eight. So naturally, I was drawn to the books, taking huge steps above the cardboard boxes and careful not to hit anything else.

The books were old, of course, and dusty. Some of them had loose pages, and I treated them very gently, almost reverently. I have a little bit of a bookbinder streak, and I decided I would take them home and try to put them back together. As I rifled through them, I saw they pertained to a vast variety of subjects, from poetry, drama, and history, to science, metaphysics, and maths. The deeper I looked into this stunning collection, the more reverence rose in my heart; at my fingertips I had the oldest and the biggest accumulation of knowledge I had ever seen. I saw some books dated back even two hundred years ago.

At that point Shawala called me to check if I was alright. I put the book I had in my hands back and my knuckles brushed against the black leather cover of the next one on the shelf. I felt pleasant tingling in my palm at the touch and my heart leaped at the prospect; I didn’t know why – the book seemed ordinary enough on the shelf and there was no title on its spine.

I sometimes wonder if I could have just left it there and gone downstairs; chosen to come back later and then maybe, it wouldn’t have enticed me as it did. If, by that point, I had had any choice left on the matter.

Alas, intrigued by the book, I placed my palm on the spine and took it out. The leather was soft and smooth, probably sheep, with familiar subtle grains all over the texture. I remember it striked me as odd that it was warmer than the rest of the books in the drafty attic, but I shrugged it off. The front cover had a title, small but visible in the centre, etched in gold – Punctum Visus .

I, by all means, cannot read or speak Latin, but I figured it was something to do with vision. I opened the book, an unknown anticipation buzzing in my stomach. The pages were worn and old, their texture was slightly rough but pleasant under my fingertips; as I opened the front page, I saw the title again, this time in thick but still elegant, black letters, and the smell came up to my nostrils.

I tried to describe it in my head countless times after. I always loved the smell of old books, and I knew it very well, so it came to me as a surprise to realize it wasn’t the only smell I could feel from the book. It was… cold, somehow, distant but prickling at my nose, a little bit the way peppermint tastes. It reminded me of the night sky and distant stars somehow. The smell awakened an unease within me, as I couldn’t quite place what it was and why it seemed so weird , but it wasn’t by any means unpleasant. It was… enticing. Like a promise of a mystery.

I breathed it in again through my nose, closing my eyes, and for a moment I lost all feeling in my body. I was untethered and immaterial, somewhere in deep darkness that seemed to envelop me whole. It felt cold on my mind, stretching it thoughtlessly in the empty vastness, and I saw distant flickering lights of stars. Before I could form a coherent thought, I was back in myself, panting and shaking, staring at the front page of the Punctum Visus . I looked around with shaky breaths; the attic looked the same, and Shawala’s steps on the stairs reached my ears, with her voice calling my name. A shiver passed down my spine, causing goosebumps to bloom on my skin; was it the draft, the dread, or the excitement I couldn’t tell.

I knew I had to read this book, no matter what it took for me to do so.

I took it home, almost forgetting about the rest of the books upstairs. It had spent the next month laying in my room, as I dealt with the formalities and moving the rest of things that weren’t sold from the house either to my place or to charity. After the day we left the house for the last time, I collapsed in my bed, exhausted, but instead of closing, my eyes fell on the book unassumingly waiting on my nightstand.

A surge of excitement passed through me, waking me right up. I sat up and reached for the book. It was still warm; I couldn’t tell if it was good or bad, but warm it was. I think it made me subconsciously assign it more… being? Like, even before I knew anything, I somehow subconsciously accepted that it was more than just an object; that it was, in a sense, alive on its own. I brushed my fingers on the cover, feeling the texture of the leather and the etching of the letters. In the meantime during this month I had checked the meaning of the title – Point of Sight; a position from which a thing is or is supposed to be viewed. It makes so much sense now.

But then I didn’t know what dangers it held; or I didn’t want to think about them. I do remember feeling anxious, my hands trembling every time I opened the cover, but it was so mingled with exhilaration of the certainty I was discovering something important that I must have disregarded it. As I turned the pages, I wasn’t surprised to find the text in Latin; though I still felt a pang of frustration that it meant I couldn’t read it for now. I rifled through the pages, looking curiously at the letters that formed words yet unattainable to me. There was a hunger inside of me; a hunger to Know. As I turned the pages past various symbols, illustrations of the constellations, and of Earth, I determined it must be some sort of a metaphysical work. The point of view on the world around us.

Normally I just skim through works like this and leave them. While they are an interesting read sometimes, they’re not my favourite genre and, looking objectively, putting in the effort of learning a whole language just for the sake of reading a treatise on the meaning of cosmos by an unknown author seems strange at best. But somehow it seemed obvious to me that I had to read it. It called to me, sang into a part of my being that begged to be filled, promising knowledge that would finally leave me satisfied. I know now that it’s impossible. Once you’ve tasted the hunger for knowing, you will never find satisfaction; it’s like an addiction. You just crave more and more, and the knowledge never ends. After a certain point you know too much and when it all connects, when it starts to make sense… you slip. I didn’t know that, even though maybe I should have. I didn’t know what those things I was feeling meant then and I didn’t stop to question them; I gave into it as soon as it touched me. I was stupid.

What followed were a busy couple of months. Every waking moment that wasn’t spent keeping up the pretence of being interested in my major (back then I only thought it a brief hyperfixation, of course, and wouldn’t have called it a pretence at all), I was learning Latin online or staring into the incomprehensible words on the pages. This period of my life is a blur; I remember my friends checking up on me if I was alright, since I wasn’t particularly social anymore. Shawala got progressively more worried, but it fully escaped my mind to care. I know that staring thoughtlessly at the book took up more and more of my time; once, I remember, I returned from my classes at three PM and took the book out; when I came back to myself it was well past midnight. That’s when I started to feel truly uneasy about it. It was the second half of April; I looked back on what I’ve been doing these past months and this cold dread started creeping up to my throat. I realized I didn’t know why I wanted to read the book so much and I remembered the “vision” or the hallucination I had that first time in my dad’s attic. I had set it aside completely as unimportant, and I couldn’t wrap my head around why. I started shaking and theorizing in my head about the book being able to influence my mind somehow, to control it. Had my actions not been my own? How much of it was my own will and how much was the book? Was it even possible for it to influence me like that; could it be that it was supernatural in some way?

The house became cold, unnaturally so. It was dark and all the windows were closed, but a chill draft managed to find its way into the corridor I was in anyway. I sank to the floor and hugged my knees, trembling in panic. I was all alone in the flat, everyone I knew was surely already asleep in their homes, and I was small and weak in the face of something that maybe could have controlled my mind. I suddenly became aware of the leatherbound book in my hand, and I threw it along the corridor at the front door with a whimper, as far away from me as possible. The book thumped against the door, then the floor, and opened on a random page.

I’ve read enough horrors. I knew that the page would be significant, and that knowledge made me sob and hug my knees tighter. I didn’t know what was happening; I felt like I’d just woken up from a months-long dream… and perhaps I was right. The recent past felt alien.

I felt tears sting my eyes and that’s when the smell reached me. Again that mixture of old paper and peppermint cold, distantly sweet but freezing the blood in my veins. My breath came in ragged and shallow, and tears streamed down my face as I stared at the open book that was calling me in an inaudible whisper. The logical side of my mind was trying desperately to make sense of it, to assign the dissociative feeling to my father’s death and yeah, it was plausible, but somehow it just didn’t feel right. The whispers sounded again, swirling around my head, the golden sound almost touching the back of my neck, making me wince. It was enticing and promising, but this time, I felt terror instead of excitement. Disregarding how my mind was trying to rationalize the situation, I knew the book was cursed somehow. I knew that I was its victim. And I knew that I would not be strong enough to resist it.

I don’t know how much time I sat there, trembling, and sobbing into my knees, before I calmed down from the panic and decided I had to do something. I had to find out what this book was and how it found itself into my dad’s library. I couldn’t remember seeing anything in his diaries that would mention it at all, but then again, I didn’t read them all cover to cover. On wobbly legs I carefully made my way back to my room and searched the Internet until the sun started peeking out of the window; I found nothing about any book titled Punctum Visus . I tried all the libraries that I’d known of, that had their assortment online, all the research databases; nothing.

So, at the crack of dawn, with a fast-beating heart, I stood in the door of my room, staring out into the corridor, where the book still lay by the front door, unmoving. The golden strings of a wordless melody made it to my ears; it promised an explanation; that this time if I looked close enough, I would find what I was looking for.

What was I looking for?

Where else could I find the answers if not in the book itself?

I could feel its cold fingers slowly wrap around my mind, steering me to come closer. It called me with a hypnotising voice that awakened all the red signals in my brain, telling me to run and hide, but I didn’t. The voice meant danger, but I knew it also meant knowledge.

Dangerous knowledge. The pull dragged me through the corridor step by step; I hadn’t been fighting it as strongly as I could have had and I was about to start, since I was getting closer to the book, but suddenly I felt the chill of the influence let go, hovering close but out of reach. It was still compelling me to come, to Look, but I could move my own limbs. I had a choice to make.

Knowledge of danger. Did I believe my own warning thoughts that I would regret looking into the book? Did I take my own logical, rational side seriously? Was I ever good at resisting my own impulses?

I’ve never been addicted to anything, but then again, I never really had the opportunity, as it were; my friends were more of a no-alcohol types and I really ever smoked cigarettes once. I’ve never seen drugs in real life. So who’s to say if I’m not an addictive personality? And this, this was addictive. The thrill of mystery, the exhilarating process of learning, the anticipation of the answers.

Was it ever really my choice?

No supernatural force guided my steps that night; no cold fingers made me kneel next to the book and carefully cradle it in my arms, looking at the page with a shaky breath and tears in my eyes, as if I was coming back home like the prodigal son. But I’m sure it was by some paranormal means that this time I could understand the text on the pages.

I honestly don’t remember what it said. As I read the unfamiliar words, the meaning presented itself in my mind, not entirely unlike that first “vision” I had in the attic; as soon as I started reading I knew that I had made the choice and there was no turning back. That cold draft enveloped me, sat on my skin, and started to bite; I felt that smell again, stronger than ever before, something intangible but unmistakably inhuman . It was then that I realized that’s what had felt wrong to me about the smell since the beginning. It was inferior and alien. My hands started shaking as my eyes, glued to the text, moved now on their own down the page, drinking the words in. I was terrified out of my mind, but the pleasant tingling along my nerves was back, the anticipation of the promised understanding.

My mind was drowned with the tide of knowledge. This was just a prologue; a true discovery would require preparation, but I was almost ready. The voice said I was chosen, that I was a perfect candidate to bring It what It needs and that I would be rewarded. I cried tears of amazement and horror at the sheer scope of the voice – it seemed to encompass the entire world. I couldn’t comprehend it, but I didn’t know then that it was a blessing. I wanted to know, I craved to know what It was and how I could be of use to something so powerful, so huge. Divine. That was a word that crossed my mind, as much as I don’t like that. I don’t like many things, but I can’t change any of them.

The voice said I’m on the right path. I would Know and Understand. First, I needed to do something. As It told me what that was, doubt started to creep up to my mind. What was I doing? What was happening? How could this be real?

I came to on the floor by my front door, the cursed book in hand, with a tear-stained face and a bloody nose.

I knew what I had to do to get ready and, as I calmed down and went over everything in my head, I was surprised by how trivial it was. Honestly, by this point I was kind of afraid It would tell me to hurt someone, so I was glad this was just about reading a bunch of words in a specific location at a specific time. I was aware of the fact that this was most probably a ritual, and I was quite apprehensive. I kept arguing with myself in my head, over and over whether I should follow through, but deep down I knew that I would, no matter what I told myself. This part, I think, scared me the most; how compelling the promise of knowledge was, how reverently I’d found myself thinking of the book and its owner (which I assumed was the voice), how fanatical some of my thoughts sounded. I’ve never been religious, never really felt idealistic either. I was always focused on facts, on the here and now. Can knowledge be an ideal? Can you be a fanatic of Seeing and Knowing?

How much had I changed since I’d found Punctum Visus in that old attic.

I found a good, quiet spot, on the north-west side of the New Forest National Park near Southampton. I told no one about this, deeming it unimportant. I would come back after my big discovery, I would explain everything. I laugh at myself now; at my naivety.

The night of April 28 th was clear, and the starry sky looked back at me as I parked my car on the road in the forest and locked it. I tied a piece of a long red string to the wheel, not to lose my way in the forest, and started to walk forward. I held the book close to my chest, as if it could protect me from the dark, eerie outlines of the trees, swaying gently on the wind and whatever the darkness around me held. I didn’t light the torch; the moon was nearly full, bathing everything in its gentle light, and besides, for some reason it seemed that the crude yellow light would somehow break the sanctity of what I was about to do. I could see the ground in front of me and managed to lose sight of my car and everything else besides trees pretty fast.

I stopped when I found a small clearing. The moon was high in the sky, shining down on me like a big eye; I didn’t know why this comparison seemed the most fitting, but it did. I took a deep breath, feeling a chill plant little dots all over my skin, making my hairs stand on end. The wind died down and the trees froze, as if in anticipation. I felt something watching me closely; I was not alone here anymore.

The realization made my breath catch in my throat and the last streaks of sanity broke through my thick skull. Run! Drop the book and run! I didn’t. My hands trembled, my muscles tensed, and I stood there, frozen with fear as something stared at me, seemingly for eternity. Something bigger than me, bigger than anything I have ever seen was watching me, waiting. My eyes dropped to the book in my arms. The black leather was warm, as always, but this time I felt a pulsating sensation from it. A heartbeat.

I screamed. The book landed discarded on the ground, and I stumbled backwards and tripped, landing in the grass as well. It was cold and wet, and it glistened with something in the faint moonlight. At first I took it for water, but upon closer inspection I saw it was the grass itself that glittered – a shy rainbow, glowing iridescently in an impossible way. I froze, stunned, for I have never seen such colours before. It seemed utterly alien, something unfitting for the human eye to see; simultaneously beautiful and horrifying.

As I looked around, I noticed that everything alive in the forest – the trees, the grass, the bushes, the plants – had taken on that iridescent mixture of faint light that prickled my eyes and sent a shiver of terror down my spine. It was beautiful, utterly gorgeous in a way that nothing a human eye can perceive could be. It was horrifying in how different, alien, and other it was. My senses could tell this is not of the Earth; not of this reality, not of this world; everything in me that still had common sense tried to recoil from the inferiority of this magnificence and the danger it brought, but I had abandoned common sense a while back. Maybe even when I touched the book for the first time. I stared then, breathless and trembling, at this scenery as if from a fairy tale and decided to lock away my rational thoughts. I wanted to See, to Know; I wanted to experience and if this was the death of me then hell, it was a pretty good way to go. To behold such a sight, I thought, was a reward in and of itself.

Of course, I had no idea what any of it meant. I slowly rose to my knees and patted the ground down until I felt the book. It still pulsated with this heartbeat and the letters etched in the leather glowed with golden light. My hands were sweaty, and I didn’t know whether I was shivering from fear or the cold. I opened the book on the first page.

What I saw was not what I had expected. I remembered that the first page, after the titular one, was the beginning of the introduction, that much I had understood, but now it was a big picture in black and white; a night sky, with an almost full moon and strewn with stars. It was a shot from the ground and treetops could be seen at the edges of the picture. As the book swayed in my hands, the stars glittered, and the perspective shifted ever so slightly, as if it was in 3D. Stricken by a surge of dread and cold certainty, I looked up. My suspicion was right – the picture in the book depicted the exact image that was now above me. I gasped quietly and looked down at the book—

And this is where things started to really go horribly, horribly wrong.

The book was gone. What’s more, the ground was gone too and suddenly everything was not where it should have been. I blinked but it did nothing to ease the dizziness; and when I composed myself enough to register what I was seeing I froze, the most intense horror I have ever experienced crushing my body from all sides and inside out.

I realized that I was Seeing. I was finally Seeing, and I Understood it all.

I don’t know how to convey in words what I saw. I don’t believe it’s possible; humans were never made to see and understand such things. I should have never touched the book, I should have never asked for knowledge. All my life I believed that knowledge was the point; it was a tool, and it was power. I don’t know what I think anymore. I think some knowledge should always be hidden because we were not made to know everything. We can’t , it’s physically impossible for us to comprehend.

For one moment in my life. For one moment I became something else, and I saw the world in the way It sees the world. For one moment I shared a mind with an eldritch being, a thing that is Fear itself, and I saw the Earth through Its Eye. I can’t… I can’t tell you just how horrible it is. How… How meaningless; we’re all intertwined things, guided by strings of web that lead us through life, and we’re all connected in this maze of fear . We’re not individuals; we’re not special. We don’t have souls and none of our experiences matter. We’re just fear. These… These entities are a part of all of us. They’re our fear and they live inside of us, inside of every living creature that can feel fear. Can you comprehend that? How can you be sure you are yourself when there’s a cosmic entity, a power as old as life itself, living you ? And no one has any idea. Nobody knows and if I tell someone they’ll think I’m crazy. Sometimes I think I’m crazy. But deep down I know what I saw. I know it was real. And I’m terrified. I’m terrified because I know that this Being of eyes that I became a part of watches everything I do. I feel Its presence here very strongly, and I guess it makes sense. It will never leave me. It’s a part of me, just like the rest of them; just like they’re all a part of every one of you, yet you have no idea. But I know. And I know I’m all alone with that knowledge, the knowledge that I can’t comprehend, but I know I could in that one moment. It’s a very lonely place to be and I’m scared.

I’m scared as I have never been before; this fear doesn’t leave me anymore. Every second of every day I’m aware I’m watched by something as great as cosmos. I’m aware I shared my mind with that being and it makes my skin crawl.

I don’t know what to do now, but I don’t expect any advice from you. I’m leaving the book with you, as proof. Its heart doesn’t beat anymore, and I’ve seen what I was supposed to.

Don’t read it.

Notes: If you enjoyed it, please consider leaving me a comment!! For people interested in a little bit of background: Lyria is a D&D character I have created that still awaits her chance to play in a campaign. She's an arcane scholar that has a dark little secret of actually being a warlock of a being she doesn't know a lot about. She's in love with knowledge and she seeks to learn about her powers as well as the world around her. I'm currently DMing a Ravenloft campaign and I just couldn't miss the fact how much potential for a corruption arc she has. Then I listened to TMA and I was like, she would definitely become the Avatar of the Beholding.

#i discovered you can copy tags straight from ao3 #ive been using that site for how many. 5 years now #:|#anyways #tma #the magnus archives #tma original statement #cosmic horror #niki.writes #lyria elerieth #goes in my oc tag because thats technically an au #im really happy with this one guys!

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anna-scribbles · 3 years

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i was tagged by @ponpasta, a fact which nearly made me go into cardiac arrest bc pon is one of my favorite artists on this site and also the real actual creator of connie maheswaran <333 luh u <3

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 8 (ish) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome work!

1. steven getting taken off cash register duty (i’m just gonna include 1 panel from long comics)

I had to include one of my gf/su crossover things (even tho they’re from before I rly knew how to use procreate lol) bc thats the original anna-scribbles brand babey!! this comic is probably my favorite one from that series just bc it still makes me laugh and I love making steven stupid <3

2. prettiest boy in paris

this one isn’t particularly good from like an Artistic Standpoint but I just think i rly captured the essence of adrien with these. like. thats just a little boy. hes pretty and full of love. yeah

3. summer nights

I like the colors and the vibe of this one a lot!! it feels very peaceful and casual which is something these kids don’t get a lot so I like to give it to them. I drew this before I knew how to color in procreate so I was v proud of the colors back then and i’m less proud now but ik I worked a long time on it so i’m still a little proud

4. just some stevens

I like these a LOTTTT esp the top middle steven, I think he looks really steven-y. I had a lot of fun playing with different kinds of warm & cool lighting, and experimenting with different not-okay steven facial expressions. also I drew lion which I never do bc lions are hard to draw but I like how it came out. & the way he’s nuzzling steven’s neck turned out exactly how I wanted!!ok im done

5. at comm

this was my first Big Commission!! I worked on it for many hours and I was very proud of how close to the original adventure time style I was able to get the characters. I showed it to my dad and he said he liked it :)

6. tell me something

this commission I love a whole lot!!! it’s a scene from one of my favorite fics EVER, tell me something (I don’t know) by @chatnoirinette. idk if u can tell but the real star of this piece is the railing on marinette’s balcony bc that took SO LONG to draw. but i also like the expressions and the lighting and how glowy chat’s eyes are

7. obvious animatic

baby’s first animatic!!! ive been wanting to make an animatic since I was like 15 so I finally sat down and did it and I actually love it a lot. I think it’s rly expressive and fun to watch and I enjoyed testing how many sparkles I could put in adrien’s eyes until he ran out of pupil

8. ladrien christmas

this is my most recent full piece (for @mlsecretsanta) so I actually kind of DO know how to color in procreate in this one!! I almost never do backgrounds but I tried one in this and I like how it turned out. also I love how glowy the little light strands are and i’m just a sucker for ladrien in general so all around it makes me happy to look at

ill probably make a sappy post later abt how much fun being on tumblr has been for me this year but this post is already too long so we’ll save it lol

I tag @sabertoothwalrus @spooksier @chatnoirinette @marikittynoir @ladybuginettes @peachcitt @tizzymcwizzy @rosekasa @jattendschaton

no obligation obviously!! I just love all of your work sm <3

#this was fun!!#at first I was like I dont have any work im proud of and then I was like Hold On yes I do >:(!!!!!#I refuse to tag every character in this so #my art #ml #su #mostly doing this post has shown me that I Really Should just look up some procreate tutorials #but then wheres the fun in spontaneously discovering something that's been there the whole that would have made my life infinitely easier #also a lot of my other posts I think are funnier than these #but I was trying to pick ones that I thought were like visually my favorites

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allthingskenobi · 3 years

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Obi-Wan in Exile – Owen Lars

(Originally published on AllThingsKenobi.com January 10, 2021)

Welcome to the second in a series of looks into Obi-Wan Kenobi’s time in exile on Tatooine between Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith and Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. We’ve tried to mine as much Legends and canon material as possible to help guide you through some of the period’s most common and repetitive themes so that when the new Obi-Wan Kenobi series airs, you’ll be ready.

Not everything he ever did in the entire 19 years will be explored here, but as we said, we’ve tried our best to pick out the most prominent and impactful moments to give everyone a better understanding of exactly what one hermit had to endure out there all alone in the sandy deserts of Tatooine.

There’s no way around it: Owen Lars hated Obi-Wan Kenobi. But why? A young Luke Skywalker could have benefited greatly from the two men working together, but it was not to be so. Here we will look at just a few of the many times the Jedi was rejected by the hardened moisture farmer in an attempt to understand just how fraught with tension their relationship really was.

“That wizard’s just a crazy old man.”

STAR WARS EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE C

Owen Lars was the very first person to ever paint a picture for us of the now-illustrious Obi-Wan Kenobi, and this is what he had to say about him. Though we, alongside Luke, quickly recognize Owen’s words for the untruths they are, we were left to wonder exactly where the animosity, and possible bad blood, between the two men began. Especially since well up until Attack of the Clones was released, Owen was Obi-Wan’s biological brother (as confirmed in original drafts of Return of the Jedi), which made the exchange all the more tragic.

“But what if this Obi-Wan comes looking for him?”

“He won’t, I don’t think he exists any more. He died about the same time as your father.”

STAR WARS EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE C

Owen continues to try and deter Luke by point-blank telling him that Obi-Wan is dead. It’s another clear falsehood that, at the time, carried little to no weight until twenty-eight years later when we witnessed the “deaths” of both Anakin and Obi-Wan on the slopes of Mustafar in Revenge of the Sith. But that’s a story for another time…

“He makes his terms abundantly clear: “We’ll take him in, but you’ll play no part in his upbringing. If you have to stay on Tatooine, you keep your distance, do you hear? You neither see the boy nor speak to him. He must know nothing about his father.”

“TIME OF DEATH” – FROM A CERTAIN POINT OF VIEW C

“Obi-Wan was glad and relieved that Beru and Owen agreed to raise Luke, but his mission did not end there, as it was also his duty to watch over the boy. He had thought that his ongoing presence would be some comfort to Owen and Beru. He soon learned that he was mistaken.”

LIFE AND LEGEND OF OBI-WAN KENOBI L

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

From the moment Obi-Wan arrived on Tatooine with a newborn Luke Skywalker, Owen made it abundantly clear that the Jedi would have nothing to do with the child. It was an unfair set of terms that Obi-Wan, while doing his best to adhere to, would breach with regular frequency, often pushing his already contentious relationship with the farmer to its breaking point.

Over the years, not only would Obi-Wan often be forced into interceding on the family’s behalf as protection (much to Owen’s chagrin), but he would also willingly cross the line to try and form a relationship with Luke from afar. Whether it was a simple gift of parts for Luke’s skyhopper (1) or a handmade wooden toy (2), the attempts would be vehemently denied and Obi-Wan would find himself right back where he started.

Star Wars 15 C

Was Owen right to be concerned that trouble would follow Obi-Wan back to Luke and their homestead? Of course. Obi-Wan understands and even acknowledges that his watchful gaze could attract attention (3), so he backs off, moving farther out into the Jundland Wastes until the time comes when he is needed. (3)(4) But Owen took his concerns above and beyond, twisting reason into a deep-seated personal hatred of the other man.

“The hut was approximately 136 kilometers from the Lars homestead—farther than Obi-Wan would have preferred, but probably still too close to satisfy Owen Lars.”

LIFE AND LEGEND OF OBI-WAN KENOBI L

“I managed to steer clear of Owen Lars this time. The man doesn’t like me at all.”

KENOBI L

“I’d always believed – always hoped – that Owen’s anger would cool toward me, that one day I would be allowed to train young Luke in the ways of the Force.”

“TIME OF DEATH” – FROM A CERTAIN POINT OF VIEW C

“Old Wounds” – Star Wars Visionaries L

Why? Why did Owen Lars hate Obi-Wan Kenobi so much? First and foremost, he placed the blame of Anakin’s downfall solely on Obi-Wan, going so far as to accuse Obi-Wan of “murder.” (1) It’s interesting to say the least that Owen would have such strong opinions about a man he’d only met once (5), but it seems to become more clear when you take into consideration that Owen adored his step-mother, Shmi. But while Shmi no doubt loved her adoptive family, she often spent her time looking to the horizon waiting for the day when Anakin would return. (6) So for Obi-Wan to have lost Shmi’s beloved son might have been too much for Owen to bear.

We’ll discuss this more in depth later, but Owen even removed Shmi’s headstone, along with the stones of other family members, so that Obi-Wan could no longer visit the site. (7) Consequently, it also ensured that Luke would never know about his grandmother. At least not while he lived at the homestead.

“If killing me would have brought [Anakin’s] mother back to life, I know he would have killed me then and there. I could see it in his eyes.”

LIFE AND LEGEND OF OBI-WAN KENOBI L

At some point, Owen also seemed to have distrusted the Jedi as a whole. It was a prejudice formed the day he watched an angry and unrepentant Anakin Skywalker return from slaughtering a village of Sand People. (2) That being his only interaction with a Jedi before Obi-Wan came along, Owen didn’t want Luke to have anything to do with what he saw in Anakin that day.

“Everyone was stunned when Owen abruptly told Ben to leave and not to come back. The experience had left Luke baffled. Even now, some ten years after the incident, he still did not know why Owen had been so angry with Ben. From what little he knew, he assumed that Ben’s purpose on Tatooine had been to discreetly watch over him while Owen and Beru raised him as if he were an ordinary child, not the son of a Jedi-turned-Sith Lord. But if both Ben and Owen had been responsible for protecting Luke, why hadn’t they gotten along? Luke could only imagine why Owen had so aggressively objected to Ben’s presence. Luke remembered listening to conversations between his uncle and aunt, practically spying on them, hoping to hear any small detail about his father or Ben Kenobi. Owen and Beru never revealed much but merely reinforced that they preferred not to discuss either man.”

LIFE AND LEGEND OF OBI-WAN KENOBI L

Luke cheers, running full pelt toward me, arms as wide as his smile. There is a crunch behind me and I turn, Owen’s fist burying itself in my nose. I slam down hard on the ground, the lightsaber skittering from my hand. All my training, all my experience, and a humble moisture farmer has achieved what neither battle droid nor Sith has achieved, knocking me flat on my back.

“Uncle Owen!” Luke cries in confusion as his uncle manhandles the boy toward his aunt before turning to glower at me.

“Go,” he all but spits, an accusatory finger punctuating the furious decree. “Get away from here. Haven’t you people done enough to this family?”

“TIME OF DEATH” – FROM A CERTAIN POINT OF VIEW C

Lastly, and most unfortunately, Owen never minded expressing his distaste for Obi-Wan in front of Luke, going so far as to strike Obi-Wan and send him away while the boy watched. Would Owen’s treatment of the strange desert hermit help one day drive a wedge between the boy and his uncle? Maybe. Maybe not. All we do know is that Luke, like his father before him, was already inextricably linked to Obi-Wan Kenobi. And there was nothing Owen Lars could do about it.

Citations:

Star Wars 15 by Jason Aaron C

“Time of Death” – From a Certain Point of View by Cavan Scott C

Kenobi by John Jackson Miller L

Life and Legend of Obi-Wan Kenobi by Ryder Windham L

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones C

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones Novelization by R. A. Salvatore L

A New Hope: The Life of Luke Skywalker by Ryder Windham L

#Obi-Wan in Exile #Obi-Wan Kenobi #Kenobi Series #Owen Lars #long post #text post #crossposted from wordpress #allthingskenobi #no doubt we will get to see this play out on screen in the show #:((((

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phoneybeatlemania-bit-the-dust · 3 years

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How did you get round to doing all this research? Maybe it's the peer pressure but I'm around your age and I'm kinda jealous how you're so knowledgeable about a 60 year old band in like, our grandparents' day lol. But I'm impressed! Keep it up ❤️

Firstly, thank you! I had a very shitty night at work last night so when I came home and saw this message it cheered me up a bit <3 Honoured that you think im knowledgeable on them!

Onto the actual question though - ive always loved the Beatles (I used to watch Yellow Submarine every week when I was about 5 or 6 or so) and I would consider them my first favourite band! But it was only at the start of this year during lockdown that I started heavily reading into them; no idea why, just suddenly became obsessed. For the first few months though, I remember I didn’t actually have much of an opinion because I just didn’t know what to make of the history - but once I started participating in discussions and stuff, that prompted me to garner more of an assured perception.

The tips and advice I would give (other then neglecting school work) are:

1. I Read A Lot!

I just tend to read a lot of books in general, and so once I became captivated with the bugs, my first instinct was to buy a book on them - so I bought Phillip Normans book on John Lennon because id heard good reviews, and then it all just spiralled from there and now ive read about 7 different books on them this year (and ive got tons more that I want to get to!). Reading different books and essays on them is a great way to get a nuanced and reasonable perspective on them, albeit an imperfect way of navigating their historiography, because naturally every biographer will be biased in some sense.

A lot of people post quotes and sections from various books and essays onto this website, so if reading isn’t really your thing or you don’t have the time etc. you can still often find the important bits on here! But personally, reading Bealtes books is sort of like comfort food to me, so I typically have one on the go.

2. Tumblr & Forums

Part of my love for the Beatles I think has been perpetuated by having this position in an online community. There are other websites in which people discuss the Beatles, and ill occasionally use them (like ill check out reddit every once in a while), but overall, I just find the Tumblr community to be the most open to actual discussion, especially if it differs from the "established" Beatles narrative presented by biographers and documentary makers etc. for the past 50+ years.

Beatles fans using sites and forums like Reddit I feel are more focussed on the bugs actual music - which is fine of course, but im not so interested in discussing that, because for the most part I like to talk about their actual characters rather then their artistry. Also from my experience in interacting with people through those sites, people are quite closed-minded when it comes to drifting from the consensus. Whereas with the Tumblr community, it feels a lot more like an actual community. Like different users have their own sense of personality and their own opinions, and I just feel like we all tend to be pretty friendly here, or at the very least, tend to be respectful. People on Tumblr also seem to be a lot more open-minded to discussing less comfortable topics rather then immediately shutting down the conversation because it doesn’t fit within the “official” Beatles narrative.

Finding accounts who you would deem trusty and then sending them questions I find is also a good way to get some perspective. If im not sure what I make of situation concerning the Beatles, sometimes ill send users who I find to be quite perceptive an ask, and get their view on the subject; I might disagree with them in the end, but its still a good way to get some perspective. Also adding to or even starting discussions is another way of getting some info!

3. Second hand stories

I don't know that many people who are as into the Beatles as I am (because, shockingly, 17 year olds dont tend to obsess over bands that broke up 50 years ago 😳) but if I meet someone who does like them, sometimes ill pick up some new stories id never heard before in books or on Tumblr. Like a couple months ago my Dad told me about the time Paul McCartney drunkenly started taking the piss out of David Blaine (x), and I thought it was so funny and bizarre, I was surprised no one on Tumblr had ever mentioned it. So if you come across a bug fan, you might be able to weasel from them a couple stories you've never heard before!

4. Documentaries & Podcasts

I haven't actually watched/listened to that many Beatles related documentaries or podcasts so far, but going off of what ive seen id recommend:

Lennon/McCartney documentary on youtube

The "One Sweet Dream" and "Another Kind Of Mind" podcasts

Ive been watching the docu-series called "1971: The Year That Music Changed Everything" recently, and I think its fab! Its not solely focussed on the Beatles, but they are discussed a lot, as well as dozens of other great musicians from the era, and other wider contexts.

This (x) podcast episode on the psychology of John Lennon

5. Interviews

Not a lot to say here, just that finding interviews of them (or people who have known them) can of course be very insightful :)

6. Find The Topics that interest you

One way that I go about researching them is that I seek out essays or forums focussing tightly on topics that I am interested in. I know that my main focuses (at least for the time being) tend to be related to the interpersonal relationship between John and Paul, and their psychology’s and upbringings etc. So for example, I might actively search for information on John and his possible ED or Pauls parents etc. In comparison, whilst I obviously still love George and Ringo, I know that they just don’t interest me quite so much, so I just don’t tend to seek out information on them.

Figure out which topics resonate with you personally, and seek out information and discussions specifically regarding them!

#honestly #i just don’t do that much school work 🤦‍♂️#like thats how ive gotten round to doing all this research on the Beatles #but yeah #read books!#interact!#and get yer dad to tell you stuff!#thats my philosophy :)#beatles #beatles books #asks #@scentdiffuser01

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diaryofabeautyfiend · 3 years

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* ⚠️ Warnings: A lot of angst. Mentions of sex. A little fluff. People drinking alcohol. ⚠️ This one shot was never meant to be a series. All of your love and appreciation spurred me in to write more. Hope you like this chapter. I cried while I was writing it. Part 5 is the finale.

Plain Gold Ring IV:

You Don’t Know What Love Is

“How could you know how lips hurt

'Till you've kissed and had to pay the cost

Baby, 'till you've flipped your heart and you have lost

You don't know what love is” Nina Simone

———————————————————————

Being on the board of your firm’s charity gala was a huge deal. On top of your normal duties you were in charge of the silent auction. The final auction items had all arrived and you had been busy categorizing everything and preparing for the night that you barely have time to focus on the Andy and Lori situation.

Not that it wasn’t grating on your last nerve. You were so short with everyone at work that it was becoming a problem. Stan had to have a talk with you. You just had to focus and get through this event.

Andy helped as much as he could. He was supportive when you were frustrated and quickly learned when to back off. Sometimes you were up until the wee hours he would literally drag you to bed. He knew how to keep your mind off of work for a while.

You were so busy that you hadn’t even purchased a dress. You and Liz went shopping after work. She was the only person to know about you and Andy.

“What do you think of this one? Think Andy will like it?” You wore a black long sleeved gown with a v that went down to right above your belly button and a slit up to your mid thigh.

“I mean, I’d fuck you.” she deadpanned. This was the dress. You would be comfortable in it all night. You also looked like a powerful bitch who would slit your throat.

———————————————————————

You had to be at the site earlier than the guests so you did your hair and most of your makeup at home. Andy had not seen your dress on purpose. You wanted him to see you when he walked in with Lori. Your petty brain was on overdrive.

“Well you look great” Andy said pointing to your sweats.

“Shush. I’m not putting on my dress and heels until the last second. I pressed your shirt it’s hanging in your closet. I also picked up your tux from the cleaners.”

He slid his arms around you and looked at you in the mirror. “Why are you so good to me?” His hands roamed your body and made contact with your bare skin under your tshirt.

“I am gonna be late.” You swatted his hands away.

“You have four hours. Didn’t you hire party planners?”

“Yes. I still need to get my nails done and set up the auction. You can have your way with me later.”

“But I want to now” he whined. “Please. I’ll be really quick.”

You giggled , “Sounds really fun for me. You know I would never ever miss an opportunity to cum all over your cock…” your face was so close to his your lips were nearly touching. Your hands were on his chest. His were on your hips pulling you closer. “But I have to go. Bye, baby.”

“Tease! You’ll pay for that.” he called after you.

You winked at him as you headed out of the door, “I certainly hope so.”

All Andy could do was laugh. He wished he could spend this evening whisking you around the dance floor. He couldn’t wait to see how beautiful you would look tonight.

In two days you would be on your way to Chicago. The movers were already on the way with your furniture. Your suitcase was in the process of being packed. He hated it. He was taking a long weekend to help you get settled. By Wednesday morning you would have to say goodbye. His heart broke a little every time he thought about it. Every single day he wanted to say he loved you. He was reluctant to ruin what you had knowing there was no way around the inevitable.

———————————————————————

Everything was set. The only thing left was for you to get dressed. You re-sprayed your hair and put on your jewelry. You spritzed Chanel over your wrists neck and cleavage. Last thing was to coat your lips in a matte oxblood to match your nails. You looked sleek and downright terrifying. Just as you planned.

“They just walked in.” Liz whispered from the doorway.

“How does she look?”

“Pretty and appropriate.”

“How do I look?”

“Like a bad bitch. Let’s go.”

You walked out with your shoulders back and your head high. You made sure the gown swished enough to expose your legs and the impossibly high heels you wore. Andy saw you from across the room and stopped dead in his tracks. You looked like you were walking in slow motion. He almost dropped his drink.

You made a b line for Stan and his wife Elaine who were standing directly behind the other couple. He smelled your perfume wafting off of you when you walked by. He almost lost it right there.

“Y/N! What a knockout. Elaine, isn’t she gorgeous?” You kissed his cheek with the side of your mouth careful not to smear your lipstick.

“Christ, Stan. Keep it in your pants. You look beautiful, honey.”

“Thank you, Elaine. So good to see you. Lovely as always.”

“Thank you, dear. Now how is it possible you are here without a date? Stan, you work the poor thing so much she can’t even find a man. That’s why she’s leaving you.”

“And for many other reasons” you joked. You were very much aware that Andy was behind you. “Elaine have you met Andy and Lori Barber?”

You took Lori’s hand and ushered them over. “No, I haven’t. So nice to finally meet you.”

“You get to know each other. I’m going to grab a drink. Can I get anyone anything?” Such a good hostess.

“I’d love a scotch. Elaine wine?” She nodded.

“Andy?”

“You won’t be able to carry all of those drinks. Let me come with you.” Andy patted Lori on the arm. “I’ll be right back.” When you were far enough away he took a long look at you. “How long til I get to rip that dress off of you?”

Your cheeks heated, “You won’t be ripping anything. This dress cost a fortune. It’s far too pretty to ruin especially with panty lines.”

“Fuck. I’m gonna ruin that pussy.”

“Promises promises, Mr. Barber.” He groaned and adjusted his pants.

“Such a tease.”

You delivered the drinks and excused yourself. For the rest of the night Andy only caught glimpses of you. He tried not to make it obvious but Lori could see. Once upon a time he looked at her like that. Except the way he looked at you was a look of complete adoration.

You tried avoiding the Barbers all night. The whole time Andy schmoozed and did his Andy thing, his arm was around her waist. She kept her hand on his chest. They were always finding little ways to touch each other. When he kissed her temple you nearly broke the clipboard you were holding.

Stan stood next to you draining his fourth drink, “You ok there, champ? Sweet couple aren’t they?”

“Yeah. They’re adorable.” You slammed the rest of your Old Fashion.

“Reminds me of me and Katherine . Remember Katherine?”

“Was she your second or third wife? I don’t remember.” Your words were dripping with sarcasm.

“Second. Every time we had one of these things Katherine was on my arm. She was great at this shit. She’d chat it up with the partner’s wives earning me brownie points while I fucked Elaine’s brains out in the John. Know why I married Elaine? She was the best goddamn litigator I’d ever seen. Gets my dick hard every time I think about it. She lit a fire in me that couldn’t be stoked. Kind of like you do for Andy.”

You blanched, “What do you mean?”

“Oh save it. I know you’re fucking. The whole office does. I see how he looks at you. But you can’t see how you look at him. Don’t let the act fool you. He’s stupid for you. Let me keep him for a couple of months before you move him to Chicago ok? He can make us some serious money.” He patted you on the ass and went back to Elaine. She was waiting for him with a big smile that he drunkenly devoured.

———————————————————————

The band started playing. When a slow song came on Lori took Andy’s hand. “Dance with me?”

For possibly the last time he held her. She closed her eyes, rested her head on his shoulder and let him lead her around the dance floor. He wasn’t reciprocating with the same tenderness. His eyes were held on you.

You watched him place his hand on the small of her back. The way he held her hand was a practiced action that he had perfected over sixteen years. When he let himself get lost for just a moment he was overcome with grief for himself and Lori. He pressed a kiss to her lips. Her heart fluttered and she kissed him back. You rushed out of the room when you saw them.

Lori felt her husband’s body stiffen. His hold on her loosened. It felt like he was forcing his body to stay with her. She understood why his mood shifted when she saw you leaving. She looked up at him. His eyebrows were knitted together with worry.

“How long have you been sleeping with her?” she asked quietly.

“A month. Maybe longer.” He couldn’t look at her. Couldn’t lie.

“So basically since you left.”

“My second day there. Lori, I’m so sorry. It just happened. I wasn’t looking for anything.”

“No, but you were open to something happening. Does everyone here know? Of course they do. I’m so humiliated. I think I’d like to go home.”

“I’ll get the car.”

“No. I can get myself home. This night is too important for you to leave early.”

“Lori…”

“I don’t want to be around you right now, Andy. I can’t.” She let go of his hand and left. She carried herself with poise and dignity but inside she was dying.

You were nowhere to be found. He spotted Liz who was chatting with some friends. “Where is she?”

“Auctions over. She left.”

“Shit. Thanks.”

“Andy, be gentle with her. Idiots.”

He ran to the valet and jumped in his car to race home. When he got out he noticed a suit case in the back of your car. The elevator was taking forever. He took the stairs two at a time to reach you before you got away.

He heard your heels clacking on the hardwood. Clothes were everywhere. “Y/N?”

“Bedroom.” You were still in your pretty dress. Still all made up throwing things in another suitcase.

“Going somewhere?”

“Hotel.”

“Mind telling me why?” His voice was hoarse like he had been screaming.

“The way you held her…you kissed her.” He grabbed your hands to make you look at him but you yanked them away. “This was stupid. I should have never gotten involved with you in the first place. Married men never leave. Please get out of my way, Andy. I have to go.”

“You think this was a mistake?” Slow tears rolled down his face. He undid his bow tie and sat down. “I don’t. I’m glad we met.”

“Why? Because I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. So why are you glad?”

“Because you reminded me what it felt like to be cared for. To feel loved. You showed me what I had been missing for a long time now.”

“Happy to have helped.” You continued emptying drawers.

“Please stop packing. Please.” You wouldn’t look at him. He tried grabbing you several times but you moved beyond his reach. “Damn it! Why? Why do you always run when things get hard?”

“I’m not running.”

“No? So Chicago just came up? Or did you put out your resume the second you heard I got the job you wanted?”

Your cheeks heated. “You know how this business works. If I got passed over this time, they’ll keep doing it.”

“Right. And tonight? The second things get weird you run.”

“You kissed her!” You were trying not to cry.

“I know. I was sad. We’ve been Andy and Lori for the majority of our lives. Tonight felt so final. I know we’ll always have Jacob but, there is nothing else there. Please. I am so in love with you. Please.” He dropped to his knees and hugged you tight around your waist.

“Andy, you have to let me go.” He pressed his face into your stomach and broke down. “Andy? Sweetie? Come on. Let go.”

“Tell me you don’t love me and I’ll let you walk out of that door. I’ll never contact you again. But I know you do.”

“Stop….”

“Aren’t you tired of running?” You were tired. You ran away from your family, former lovers, dead end jobs. You wanted to finally be settled. Leave with a clean break. There was nothing clean about this. If you said you loved him there was no going back. This would be at least three years of a long distance relationship because he won’t leave Jacob. You didn’t want him to leave his son. This would be you exhibiting a level of trust you weren’t sure you had. He fell in love with you so fast. In your absence, what would stop him from falling for someone else? You were so weak when it came to Andy. Fucking perfect at everything Andy fucking Barber. Why couldn’t you shake him? Why couldn’t you just walk away like you have been trying to do since the first time you had sex?

BECAUSE WE LOVE HIM YOU DUMB TWAT. Your brain screamed. You couldn’t make your mouth work. You ran your fingers through his hair, “I love you, Andy.”

He pulled you down onto the floor and kissed you with abandon. “Say that again.” he whispered against your mouth.

“I love you. I love you. God help me, I love you.” A smile was plastered on his face for the rest of the night. Packing could wait.

#andy barber smut #andy barber x y/n #andy barber angst #andy barber #defending jacob

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