guyyyyysssss im not having a good time with back to earth

Of gems and pages au in the brain again. I was thinking like: It's an au, I don't have to think much bout the friendquests and act 5 happenings when my au is set in a new loop+ scenario and then I remembered... That new loop+ relies on the act 5's loop a bit so now I got to thinkin more about the thing.

Like, with the friendquests, it'll turn out a liiil differently in that it'd be Odile's suggestion for Siffrin to check up on the others considering that the Siff in this au has no recollection of practically anything with the many loops that had occurred. Odile figures out that the others needed help with something and considering how the timeloop appears to be connected with Siff, thinks that it's important for them to be helping the others instead of her. So the friendquests goes like this now:

Odile suggests Siff check up on the others then asks Siff about it afterwards to figure out the next step. She finds out about Mira's bonding proposals and the fact that Siff needed to know Bonbon's favourite foods (for that one, instead of the focus being on Siff choosing, it'd be Odile). After finding that out during loops, Odile drops it as a hint like "I think I saw Mira looking over some bonding proposals, although, don't tell her I said that." and "I should stock up for Boniface's favourite foods. I have a list here, but I don't really need it anymore. You can have it." Meanwhile for her friendquest, she'll be the one to outright ask Siff for help instead of the other way around.

Also, the Euphrasie sequence still has Siff be the one to talk to her, that's also the biggest hint that Odile got about the timeloops being connected to Siffrin (Odile might also try to be the one to talk to Euphrasie too thinking it'd help, but... it didn't). So yea, those are the possible changes to the friendquests. Now for Act 5... Since Odile doesn't really benefit much to the spells the others unlock during the friendquests, I think there's no reason for her to seek them out and try to speedrun it the way that Siff did in canon. So the Act 5 sequence in this au is just directed at Siff. Odile reaching her breaking point and just confronts Siff about it, but horribly...

During that moment, Siff Will loop several times but he won't even remember much of it and it just upsets Odile more and more cuz it's clear as day! It's so crystal clear that the timeloop is connected to Siffrin and their emotions and their wish! SO WHAT IS HIS WISH?! But the more Odile pushes them for the answer in such an aggressive manner, the more Siffrin doesn't wanna speak with how horrified he is. And then Odile notices that, notices just how horrible she went about it and finally just lets go, and takes a step back away from Siff to cool off (and take the orbs in the clocktower while everyone isn't around).

She waits until everyone goes in the clocktower to go to the House. Maybe she can get an answer out of the King instead, maybe if she kills him herself, Something would happen cuz clearly she's-- whatever being is responsible for this's-- "Chosen One" of handling the timeloops being controled by her family member. The way the House warps in Act 5 warps in a manner that "keeps her away," it wants to stall her basically. Courtesy of the theory by someone else about the House during Act 5 warps according to Siffrin's desire of getting to the King faster. So here, it warps to the desire of keeping Odile out cuz as hurt as Siffrin was during that whole argument, when she didn't arrive in the clocktower, he fears that she might be doing something dangerous. And he's right.

Also, during the battle with the King, Odile wasn't being frozen in time the way that Siffrin was in canon. In this au, Odile fights that back and for a split second her lvl reached 100 during then. That has repercussions... which will be: Her body cracking aka getting turned into stone for not only using up all of her craft power but Nearly breaking the limit of which the body can handle. I say Nearly, cuz before Odile can blast the King away with a force of a thousand suns, the family members got to her in time, which broke her focus on the attack and she collapsed from it but it still doesn't change the fact that she Did nearly went past the limit there. And now she's Dying-- But wait! We have new loop+ for that :D

feel my ex is still looking at my tumblr. rn.

guys i havent posted the last chap of fbrc yet for..dramatic effect…I literally have it right here i have definitely started on it and am not lying..🫶🏾

ouguhhh just read the summary and article from this post about alexandre baril's work on suicidism (oppression of the suicidal) and the opening paragraph of the conclusion in the full article. thoughts. rotating

i was thinking about the. thick white gloves. while reading. remembered that one post about how csa being horrifically taboo to talk about compounds survivors' trauma and shame and went Maybe something similar re: suicidality and suicide... the suffering multiplied by the silence, the risk of dismissal or instant change in perception in anyone you tell... and even in 'mental health' spaces the perception that suicide as a topic is dangerous to talk about- that it could be triggering instantly and automatically- is like. i think there's some paternalism there and there's some shamefear and there's some oversimplification and there's the fact that it plays well into the existing well-taught impulse to avoid the discomforting. but like. this post also about how getting through suicidality is maybe only possible by considering the option thoroughly. i am just thinking. idk. yall know me yall know i think about this topic a lot

Disco thoughts - tw substance abuse

i've seen a couple of posts which talk about how kim's character is basically a wish fulfillment for somebody with mental health and/or substance abuse problems - he listens without judgement, helps you, and stays by your side. this is very true but i wanted to add my two cents on the fact that it feels the same way from the other end - that harry is wish fulfillment for people who are close to people with susbtance abuse problems.

playing disco has been a super interesting experience for me, i didnt understand the content of the game before i played it, it hit a lot closer to home than i thought it would on many fronts. growing up someone in my family, specifically in the same household as me, had very serious substance abuse issues. there was an attempt to shield me from it mostly, but that just meant that i didnt really understand why and what was happening and the implications of it. it really scarred my childhood and shaped a large part of who i am in a way that i deeply dislike and resent. that person is still in my life now, they are clean and have been for years, but the memories remain. it is particularly hard to have them in my life because aside from anything that happened in the past, they are a huge bigot, with a huge ego, and have a lot of problems empathizing with others and being nice for once and not a giant asshole.

it feels so stupid to say that part of me will always be angry at them because they never even apologised? they wanted to move past everything that happened so bad that they never said sorry, never acknowledged my pain

anyway, to get to the point, this is why harry really came across as wish fulfillment for me personally. he's big and drunk and stumbling and smoking, saying the wrong thing all the time, outbursts at any second, he's done bad things, he's coming down and he's miserable. i know that man. i've known that man for a long time now. i hate that man and i love him almost against my own will. but unlike in real life, in the game (depending on how you play) you can have him say im sorry, you can make him get clean and really stay that way. you can have him be nice to kids and help them start a stupid dance club and make friends and make amends and really fucking try. and that was cathartic for me on a level that i wasnt really prepared for. after i thought about this it made me understand why i sympathised with jean so little. in my mind, if you have an addict in your life this is the dream scenario! why is jean so angry doesn't he know how good he's got it?! obviously the two situations are in no way 1:1, but i couldnt help thinking that if that person in my life turned around tomorrow and said - im sorry, i fucked up and hurt you, im going to do better, im going to be kinder, maybe there is something in this world for me other than hurt...

well fuck i'd take it, i'd hold onto it for dear life

TLDR - harry can be wish fulfillment for people who have people in their lives with substance abuse issues. HDB lives inside my heart and he's telling me to chug cough syrup but im ignoring him

Playing Jingliu’s story quest at 3 am is a severe mistake, I just got to the part of Blade thinking about the past after Jingliu killed him for that brief point and it brought me to tears, not even like single tear type stuff, like I haven’t stopped actively crying since I got to that part

I can’t tell if I would have cried this much at a more reasonable time because Blade’s my favorite and his VA’s performance like severely impacted me or if its just because I am very tired and fragile at this time of day

EITHER WAY, W O W OUCH, I am in so much pain, I am in infinite pain and seeing people talking about this pointing out stuff is not making it any better. I am so going to be annoying about this quest maybe tomorrow and talk about it because OH MY GOD it was so good jessuusss

[guy with chronic pain voice] i should draw pain threshold

I just think Kiri deserves to have a flawless fluffy mane of hair. I do. He should have that.

dude i was just goin thru my old saved images and ur art from 2018 was there !! UR MERMAID LANCE I LOVED SO MUCH im srry for saving i swear i never reposted !! but omg ur art has evolved s much!!

oh wow that really was some time ago!! i havent looked at my old art in ages so i forgot abt that era… i should probably do a revisit some day, i remember having a lot of fun drawing those mers, so not much has changed there.. btw thank u for sticking around for such a long time!!

yeah lmao i definitely dont like my psychiatrist anymore

not that she's doing or saying anything wrong, but she is definitelyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy not able to see where im coming from about pretty much anything important.

BUT WAIT thats not true lmao she is doing or saying something wrong! she keeps trying to Do Therapy on me even though i already have a therapist that i really really like and who understands me extremely well and just

idk im so fucking annoyed right now lmao.

I'm doing it. I'm gonna get a fucking hysterectomy

well the site is down for maintenance ofc but. semi updated refs for the m&m crew

hey what if naomi herne and andrea nunis. together. dating or friends or qpr i havent decided.

chronic pain off the shits rn I wish I could talk openly about what is happening to me without it being triggering/taboo

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