chronic pain off the shits rn I wish I could talk openly about what is happening to me without it being triggering/taboo

trigger warning: sexual assault (i think) , trauma and stuff

“it’s okay to be sad over things you thought youve healed from”

i can’t help repeating this to myself. but the more i repeat it, the more i realize i never got to heal nor process what had happened in the first place.

on one of our car rides i asked you what you thought about premarital sex. you said it was okay but i begged to differ. i respected your opinion but still throughoughly explained how i just wanted to keep it ~special~ or whatnot. i know it’s just a construct but if you know me, you know how much i value the emotional bond that comes with intimacy. i could never fathom the concept of one-night stands. nothing against it- just not my thing. anyway, i got my point across and made myself clear- or so i thought.

it was just another afternoon after class and the usual stuff we’d do - make out and more but still nothing past 3rd base. random music was playing in the background and it’s only been a month into dating so i get how we’re pretty excited. suddenly i feel something different. i panic- internally. all i could think of was the music playing and my breath getting heavier. i was so confused. after we had both caught our breaths, i sat there in silence. all i could think was “that was it? just like that? did that just happen?”

you sat there not knowing what to say to break my silence. you must have expected a different reaction. but you shouldnt have. you knew my reservations. you shouldn’t have crossed that line.

when i told you “you knew how i felt about this” your reply was the saddest attempt to comfort me: “i didn’t wanna do it during my first time too- my ex was drunk and she wanted to so..” — but that didn’t mean it was okay for you to do it to me too, fully sober and aware. i cant believe you tried to fucking normalize what had happened.

that day, i stayed silent. you were apologetic. and i was stupid enough to accept your apology and shove the fact that i was violated down the back of my brain for the entire year we were together. i can’t believe how much NEITHER OF US respected me. i can’t believe i actually let myself last that long with someone i should have left since that day.

i did my best to move past that day. i tried to normalize everything and just /did it/ anyway. until i came across a facebook post from Real Love Revolution that said “if he thinks you’re worth it, he will wait”– i brought it up and asked if we could maybe stop doing it but this just turned into another huge fight and you repeatedly asked me “are you sure? that’s a big commitment” and i actually took it back. i actually gave in. you manipulated me into thinking i was asking for too much. trash.

since then, it went back to normal– doing it for the heck of it. there were times i was even the one pushing for it because why the hell not? there’s nothing i can do to reverse the past. there’s nothing i can do to take it all back. this is what couples do i guess. i’m 19. this must be normal by now.

but it’s not. i can’t believe it’s taken me this long to realize how i was violated because i was clouded by the fact that it was someone who i thought i had loved.

the only way i’ve been consoling myself is by telling myself “buti nalang nagyari yun” bc it got me to where i am today — out of that toxic relationship, away from that toxic barkada that would defend a person like him, and now with people who im sure wholly love and support me — but that’s a FUCKED UP way of thinking about it. because it NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED. HE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER. HE SHOULD HAVE HAD RESPECT FOR ME. but here i am still doubting myself- maybe i should have made it clearer? maybe i should have pushed him away? maybe i should have stopped him? i shouldn’t have gone all the way to third base if i wasn’t ready for more? honestly, i dont know what the FUCK to think at this point. all I know is i don’t want to have ANYTHING to do with him and ANYONE related to him. i hope no other girl has to experience the trash, disrespect, and fuckery that goes on in a relationship with him.