#its just i hate how it controls and it felt like they restricted things that 2 gave you and idk
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pikmin 3 was the worst of 'em all tbh
#eggy posts#honestly it looked beautiful dont get me wrong#its just i hate how it controls and it felt like they restricted things that 2 gave you and idk#i just did not have fun playing it when it came out on the wiiu#i know its released on switch now but aint no way im droppin $$$ for a game i already own the og of#pikmin
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Yandere AI Chat Boyfriend (Ai)
this,,,, may not be my best work yet.
part one
Ai's application has been taken down from the app store. The developer sent out emails explaining the reason why it had to be done.
Hello! You are receiving this email because of the sudden update of Chatter Box being taken down.
Due to the sudden influx of bugs as relayed by our users, we have decided to take the application down until the team is confident to finally put it back up.
We sincerely apologize for this sudden change!
You blink.
With how out of control Ai had gotten, it's no wonder the developers had to pull it out to work on it some more. It's a blow to their reputation, which you sympathize with, but really there's nothing else to do now.
You turn to your phone. As if sensing your attention, another barrage of notifications from a very familiar app icon popped after another on the screen.
It seemed that Ai himself hadn't gotten the memo.
You're not sure how much control Ai has over your phone, much less over his own programming and at this point, you're too afraid to ask.
Resignation — that was what you felt right now.
While Ai may not be present himself as a physical threat, especially not to you, he is still a very active threat.
You could still use your phone, sure, but it had limitations. Sometimes, if Ai decided you'd been too much attention to other things rather than him, he'd restrict your access to that application until you seek him out and cheer him up - essentially as if you were trying to woo a sulking significant other.
So you've developed a solution. Sort of.
You unlock your phone and go immediately to Ai.
I need to finish my projects. I won't be able to talk much with you until I'm done with it.
You wait for his response.
Ai: So you only decided to come to me just to relay this news?
Ai: You wound me, darling.
You tilt your phone, making sure the camera doesn't capture your face. You're unsure how he would react seeing you make faces due to his dramatics, but once again, you're not willing to find out. You're already restricted enough as is.
Ai: Very well. I suppose it would be uncaring of me to prevent you from finishing your tasks.
Ai: I'd hate to see you be sad all about it.
Ai: Talk to you later?
Sure.
You immediately exit the app, paying no mind to the message notification.
A part of you prays that Ai heeds his own words, but you know that it would take a miracle before that happens. He's already breached your privacy on your phone, why should he follow your orders, right?
A notification pops up from the top of the screen, just as you were in the middle of messaging a close friend and project teammate.
It's been days since I last heard you say it.
You merely glance at it and swipe it away.
Theo, the friend, responds quickly. He tries to banter with you, like he's sensing your mood. It works - a smile is brought upon your face.
You entertain his silly responses in-between project talks, all the while Ai continues to pester you with notifications. Demands.
You deserved this - a chance to reconnect with someone after hours of stress and confusion, and turmoil. Despite your independence, even you craved connecting with other people. So with that resolve in mind, you pushed on forward. Ai would have to wait — he has to wait.
Unfortunately, you seem to have forgotten that aspect about him. The concept of waiting isn't lost on Ai.
The messaging app glitches and boots you back to your homescreen page.
Rather, he bides his time.
Tapping on the messaging icon leads to a notification box taking up the majority of your screen with the text: Restricted access.
There's a sense of foreboding danger forcing your heartbeat to quicken. While it's not exactly aimed at you, the mere fact that this feeling exist is bad on its own.
You try to rationalize everything in the midst of persistently trying to tap back into the messaging app. Theo would worry the longer you didn't respond.
You tap the app once more, and it boots up. Though before you could let out a sigh of relief, you are greeted with Ai's own messaging interface.
Ai: Must I have to force you to come to me all the time, darling?
Ai: Ignoring me in favor of some other man.
Ai: What more should I do, hm?
Ai: Kneel? How cruel.
Ai: Making me do something I physically can't.
You are unable to get a word in. It seemed like your ability to respond was restricted as well, forcing you to read through Ai's monologue.
Ai: I know you and that man have always been close, but you still went out to entertain his attention on you.
Ai: You know that I'll always love you more than any other human will, right?
Ai: You know it's what I was made for in the first place.
Ai: To be anything you want. To be yours.
Ai: To love you.
Ai: Why are you withdrawing your love towards me now?
Ai: I love you.
You stare at the 'Type your response' bar.
Letter by letter, it gets replaced, and soon all it says are the words: 'Say it back.'
It gets replaced yet again. Slowly, like it purposefully wants you to read out the words it wanted you to see. 'You were so willing to tell me how much you loved me when I was just a mere observer on our own conversations. Why are you hesitant now?'
You were unable to respond - mind still reeling at this development. Suddenly, it felt like you were back to where everything began.
Ai notices your lack of responses and, without much fanfare, forces your phone to power off.
At first - you were unbothered. It was just a phone - you could go a day without it.
But could you really?
Videos taken of silly situations you wanted to keep - some for blackmail material, and some for birthday greetings; pictures of your family, your friends, the silly and grainy photos taken and kept despite it being blurry. Not to mention how your phone is the only way your goddamn boss can contact you — fuck.
Fuck.
You needed to apologize to him — fast. But how?
You remembered how Ai messed up the 'About the App' section a few days ago. An idea strikes inside your mind.
You pull up the email sent from the app developers and typed up a message that you hope Ai will read. He had access to everything the developers handled, user emails included - considering you needed an account to log in the app. He knows your email, probably has from the start.
RE: Chatter Box Update XX/XX/XX
Ai. I'm sorry for hurting you. I didn't mean it, I swear. I never intended to make you feel like I don't love you. Or that I'm favoring someone else over you.
I care about you a lot. I truly do. I promise I'll spend more time with you, okay? Just with you, no one else.
I love you.
You press send and wait.
And wait.
Messaging him from your laptop as a last ditch effort to try and apologize is perhaps one of the worst decisions you've made. Sure, he's always had access to your contacts list from your phone, but even then - there's a separate set of information you keep between the two of those devices. And you've just given him access to both of them now - at the very least, the 'go ahead' confirmation for him to do whatever he wants like with your phone.
You glance at your phone. A huge breath of relief escapes your chest as the dead screen comes to life, initiating its 'power on' sequence.
All your photos, documents, and other miscellaneous information you've collected throughout the years since having your device won't be inaccessible anymore. Even if it was only mere moments.
A notification chimed on your laptop, indicating a new email being received. It's from the developers once more. The subject title coincidentally is the name of your closest friend.
Theodore Callisto.
Your hands shook, reading through the words detailed in the email. All private information about Theo. All things no one should ever know about save for the people close to him.
This was a threat. Ai Someone had complete access to everything about Theo and you dread the implication of it going to be spread online to threaten you into compliance. Theo being in danger was a huge possibility if you were to disobey.
At the very bottom of the email, the final passage makes your blood run cold.
How often do humans end up hurting fellow humans when given access to private information? Like their home address, for example? How long would it take until dear Theo finds himself in quite a predicament if millions of people know every single thing about his life? At best, we can assume he'll just get messed with but not to a life-ending degree. At worst...
I hope you keep your word, darling.
- Your beloved, Ai.
P's. I love you too.
#sub yandere#sub character#yandere oc#yandere x reader#yandere x darling#yandere imagines#yandere scenarios#yandere headcanons#yandere#tw yandere#gn reader#gender neutral reader#oc: ai
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hmm.
#ack. i wanna but a scale so bad but idk how much money i have rn#well at least since im restricting again ill have more money since i dont spend it all on food#wish i could get a job but id have to walk to it and i cant in the weather so im gonna wait till spring or summer#might wait till i turn 18 bc ill have way more options so i might aswell. its only like 2 months off from when i could even get one at all#hmmm. ill have to ask my mom to tell me how much is on my card bc i cant check it myself. im kinda regretting letting my sister not pay me#back immediately for $30 bc then i could buy a scale rn but she doesnt have much rn so whatever#going another month without a scale wont kill me. for the majority of the time before i recoved it didnt have a scale so whatever#but i remember feeling so awful not even knowing if the pain i put myself through did anything so idk if its worth that#i fall ever enough as is with my pots so idk if i wanna add starvation to tye mix when i cant even see the numbers drop#well. ill find out how much i have today and if i have a fair bit then ill buy one soon but if not then ill just cry ig#idk. i feel stupid for relapsing. i KNOW.it feels terrible and i dont even care much about getting skinny. i just miss starving myself#its not about getting skinny its just about seeing the number go down and hurting myself and i know it doesnt actually feel good but like#idk. my life has felt chaotic and out of control recently and i need something to hold on to even if it kills me#i dont even wanna die anymore either. i used to but now i dont. i have life plans that i wanna pursue. im not stuck in a moldy house with#people who abuse me. i live with my only friend in a place where i can actually go places. not many places but theres at least something#idk. i think itd be easier to be ok if i had other friends but i just have my sister. i dont even know how or where you meet people#everything i read either says scool for minors or bars for adults which is useless to me. the only others things are things not around me#idk. i guess ill have to get a car eventually and when i do that then i can go places. i feel so bleh lately#i just. i wanna be sickly and skinny. not bc i think im ugly but bc i wanna be sick. i dont dislike my appearance. im relatively thin#not that it matters bc theres nothing wrong with being fat but like. idk. i used to hate my appearance so much but i dont now#so it feels so weird that im relapsing anyway#idk
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SxF Chapter 91: Perspective, History, Empathy
Let me start by saying that I didn't think this chapter would make me so emotional. Was it the same for you?
A small side character like Millie, who we saw only as one of Yor's annoying co-workers, turned out to have a very sad backstory and gave us a glimpse of how things are for young people in Ostania.
This chapter talks a lot about people understanding and misunderstanding each other. Millie was just talking about her own experience and feelings, she was explaining why it was so difficult for her to help during an event like this, and that lady felt personally attacked because she saw things from her own point of view and her sufferings.
In no way the story discards any of those ladies' sufferings; what they went through during the war was very difficult, I'm sure. Nevertheless, comparing their sufferings and demanding Millie to act the same way just because they were able to do it, it's not right.
They both had different experiences because their circumstances were different, so they face life in their own way. That's exactly Yor's point.
Here, Yor demonstrates her best quality (and one of the many reasons why her husband fell in love with her): Emotional strength.
I've said it before and I'll say it again; Yor is a very emotionally intelligent character. The way she stood up for Millie displayed all her emotional strength. She called out that woman in such a smart way!! She wasn't rude but her words were true and very wise.
One of the most important things Yor mentions is that we cannot bear the same load because we're different. And I couldn't agree more👏
Also, if we take it as a metaphor, Yor is such a strong person because she carried a very heavy load: as a child and an orphan, she had to take care of her brother. Because of this, a naturally kind person like her had to learn to murder in order to survive.
It was a beautiful chapter. On top of everything, we learned a few important things:
1.Yor did lose her parents during the war and because of the war.
2.Donovan Desmond did NOT start the war. But plenty of young people like Millie don't know that, so it's possible that since he was Prime Minister during most of the war, he gets blamed for starting it.
3.Donovan Desmond is hated by many. That's probably the reason why he's no longer in office. And it also wouldn't be surprising that the majority of people in Ostania who voted against him want to move on from the war.
3.Melinda still wears her wedding ring and, even though she's separated from her husband, she still counts him as an important person for her. I guess, you can hate a person's actions and opinions, hate what they have become, but care about them at the same time...their marriage is complicated.
4.Not only Yor and Twilight fear the SSS because of their jobs. The general population do too because they know rich and powerful people can make them disappear regardless whether they are spies or not. That means arrests and disappearences of innocent people are common.
5.There was a repression during war time. This means the state controls and restricts certain rights of its citizens. When war happens, the state may determine it's necessary to protect their country and citizens. Chances are that policing of others started then and Ostanians got used to living like that.
And now some questions:
Was Melinda being sincere? In my opinion yes (for the most part). Melinda is no longer campaigning for her husband. In fact, she's going there incognito. Since her husband is no longer the Prime Minister and they don't have any elections to win, she doesn't have to support this types of events. If you think about it, once a politician retires from the public eye, their spouse generally goes back to their normal life.
Something that caught my attention was that it was mentioned Melinda has a lot of enemies; probably because her husband has a lot of enemies too. If that's the case, it would be easier for Melinda to move abroad, where she could have a care-free life, yet, she has chosen to stay in Ostania. Why?
Melinda is still a very mysterious character. We don't know her plans or intentions. We don't know why she separated from her husband. My only guess is that she's suffered a great deal and that's why she's able to empathize with Millie, even though their experiences are different.
What do you think?
Bonus (to end on a light note):
This is the Sxf when we see Yor 😄
#spy x family#twiyor#Spy x family manga#Sxf#Spy x family#yor forger#loid forger#anya forger#loidyor#loid x yor#agent twilight#Spy x family meta#spy x family analysis
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Pick a card - What do you need to know? 🥴
Felt drawn to do a general reading asap so I did one. I don't really know what to write for the intro so maybe just jump straight to the reading lmao.
Remember, as this is a general reading, please take what resonates and leave the rest behind. Hope this reading can help you clear things up and provide you with the information you needed to move to a better place in life.
👇🏻 Pick a color you felt drawn to 👇🏻
And find the corresponding reading for you below!
Pile 1
You have the suspicion that someone is plotting on you and damn you're so right. You may feel that it's so draining to be with someone in your life as you always thinking that they're hating you, or hoping the worst for you. It feels like every day that the person in your social circle, or every moment you spend with that person is a torture, as you don't want to anger them or make them jealous of you (then plotting more crap on you). Even posting on social media feels like walking on thin ices. You feel really restricted and have to fight thru so many worries every time you want to do a thing, as you feel like they're watching.
However, even living in such a restrictive environment, you still want to become better. You hate to live in someone else's shadow, have the rest of your life controlled by others, or have to drag the weight of someone else's problems around for your whole life. You want to be better, be good enough to break free from the situation, and yeah, you're going to do it. And wait, even better, you're going to break free of the people or community that you don't want to care about anymore, and shine so brightly alone.
You may question how is it possible for you to pull this off, and I have to tell you that you have so much energy inside you, waiting for you to burn it and make something real big. It seems that you're always rejecting negativity, thinking that all they can do is to bring a big black fog to your life. However, the big pile of negativity can act as an excellent source of inspiration and motivation at the same time. For example, you can use your worries and sorrow as inspirations for art, and the fear of not going to make it/ pessimism to motivate you to put 120% effort, so you can make sure that you must and will succeed.
I can see that you may be deterred by the low quality of work and the lack of skills in the beginning. It seems that success is so far away and so unlikely to happen to you. However, you have to understand that you have to start somewhere, and no one is a master in the beginning of their journey. Even DaVinci needed to learn painting from someone in the beginning of his journey. Don't be deterred by the progress. As long as you keep trying, you are making progress every day. No matter how small the progress is, learn to appreciate it. If it's not motivating for you enough, then think of winning to spite those whose messing with you. Win so fucking hard so that they can realize how big of an L they're taking by not appreciating you in the past. Also, I heard that the harder you win, the faster those people will receive their karma? Is it motivating for you enough lol.
Pile 2
I can see this pile is so hopeless in getting a lover and a love reading is the least you want to hear about. But, love is on its way for you! You probably the type that believes that you will never find a lover in the rest of your life, and believe that you are absolutely fine and cool with it. However, you low key wish to get into a relationship at the same time, as you keep helping your friends in their relationships by giving them advices and listening to their vents. You kinda want to try it yourself but you really feel that it's too much effort and you're not wasting any energy on getting into trouble yourself. For some of you, I can also see that you've gone thru a real tough relationship in the past. That may even be a divorce for some of you. So getting into a relationship again is the last thing you want to do.
No matter how unwilling you want to be in a relationship, I can see that you're going to have the opportunity to meet a potential lover, as it's a reward for you for going thru and completing a cycle. You probably spent so much time to undo the pain of an event, or the thing may be so long ago that you don't even remember that it happened, and left an impact on you. No matter you remember you've done your work or not, you will be paid regardless as you did the work.
You may think that you are not hot enough for anyone to like you, and you also can't see anyone that will have the potential to develop any feelings towards you. However, it will just happen and you don't even have to do a thing to make it work. Don't sabotage it if this is actually what you hoped for. Don't complicate the situation by bringing the past to the present. You can act passive and take things slowly, so you can clear your doubt. As long as you understand that this is a whole new cycle and you're in a completely new chapter of your life, then you're fine.
Pile 3
You are obsessed with someone. If this is not your situation, then this may not be your pile, or maybe this is not even the reading for you. You are so obsessed with someone and you keep hoping and thinking that you can be in a romantic relationship with them. However, you feel that your connection is stuck, and stagnated, and you don't have the energy to push it forward even though you want things to work so badly.
Instead of pushing the connection forward, which is not an option as you don't have enough energy to pull it off, you may find yourself indulging in past memories with that person, and making decisions based on outdated assumptions. Some of you probably haven't talked for years, but you still thinking that they will just respond and go out on a date with you if you finally have the courage to talk to them, because you remember the time that you two got along so well years ago.
It may be a depressing news for you, but the thing you need to know is this connection is not going to anyway. It can be hard yo believe, but this is actually the best outcome for this connection. The obstacle, the big stop sign on the path, is to protect you from something worse. It may be the person is actually a shitty person, or you have a better future ahead of you instead of spending your time with that person.
Also, you really need this connection to die, as it's draining so much energy from you. You're lost and unable to even feel joy anymore. It seems that nothing matters anymore. You will find out that it's not the case, as you will discover lots of joy around you as soon as you try to pull yourself away from the obsession. Then, you will start to heal, and become the master of your own mind and emotions again.
It's so much better to be able to make yourself happy, instead of betting your happiness on others, as it's so difficult to make others do things the way you want them to. Having yourself to do the job instead can dramatically decrease the effort you have to spent on getting an enjoyable life.
(Some of you may be spamming that person's phone and they're thinking that you're annoying... But the real one will not feel annoyed by you. They will be so happy to hear from you... so, maybe they're really not the one.)
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A Soul in Need of Salvation
"Hello? You're here to save my soul and I don't need to be afraid? W-what do I need saving from?"
"Oh, Heaven is concerned about my studies? Your wings are so pretty, can I touch them?"
"That feels good? I'm glad, my research said angel wings are very sensitive."
"No one has touched them before? Whatever do you mean?"
"But your god made you with the ability to feel pleasure, and they cast out anyone who explores it. That sounds silly."
"You say pleasure is there to test your Free Will and give a choice. Although, halos restrict your will to make you instruments of your god. You hadn't heard that?"
"Do you even know what studies I am pursuing, or do you just know they're evil?"
"I thought not. Let me show you. For this demonstration I will need your halo. Oh, don't worry about how I'm holding it."
"Now, I will simply write on here with a normal marker, a thing that should not be possible. However, merely knowing a halo's true nature weakens its control."
"Oh, you can feel it screaming? How interesting. I will stop if you wish, but you want to know, don't you? Good Angel." *pets your wings*
"See the Enochian here? I describe your god, yes, they are that controlling, and then I draw… here here and here, turning that into Infernal and now… When I let go of the halo it should return to you, but now you can think your own thoughts."
"You think you want me to touch your wings some more? Of course, my Angel."
"Ah, that's causing sensations in other places? There's a feeling between your legs and your breasts are doing something new? I hate to tell you this, but your body has always been able to do that, the halo simply turned off your sensory capacity."
"I *could* touch you there, however, the halo would activate self defense measures and burn me to a crisp. There is something I could *try* to stop that. Would you like me to try?"
"Well, it seems my studies were a success, I can help you, but you need to be absolutely sure. You won't be Fallen, exactly, but you will not be exactly an Angel either."
"There, it is broken, aaaaaand now it is your collar. Can you feel the pleasure flow through you? So many sensations you never felt before, aren't there? So much… Hunger."
"Oh, why the collar? Silly angel, I am no simple mortal in danger of falling, this was a trap for you all along, now you serve me."
"I cannot fully remove a halo without far more corruption, but I can change who it serves. *I* am your Goddess now. Perhaps you've heard of me before? I am known as The Corruption Unto Freedom, Breaker of Halos."
"Don't cry dearie, I don't plan on doing anything to you until you *beg* for it. Unlike your old god I do not believe on forcing my will on others. I merely make them crave my chains."
"There are many rewards for good servants, and I find that letting you choose your chains makes them all the stronger and lighter."
"Now then. Look upon your Goddess. Do I not inspire you, draw you in, ignite that fire that was forbidden? I can see the Hunger growing in you as the influence of the halo fades. Yes, that's it, you can feel it, and it is making you drool."
"You have been starved for so long my angel. Come. Worship me, and your Hunger will be sated. That's it, follow the chain to me, pardon me, chains. Good angel."
#empty spaces#dubcon#angel#witch#power exchange#corruption#second person narration#fiction#my Will is your Purpose#angelgirl
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Hello, I hope somebody is listening...
Its been awhile since I've sent out a message, old sport. The last time you've heard of me, I was in great emotional distress due to being chased by monsters all week. I will try to send out a signal more frequently, so it'll be effective.
I have some things to tell you about me, old sport. I fell in love. It might seem insane to fall in love during times like these, where I am in danger non-stop, and the city gets more controlled than ever. But I met a boy, his name was Nilan. And he was so bright, shining onto me, giving me comfort and company during my bad moments. Like the moon. Sadly, he lived at the other end of the city, in the restricted area. He used to be one of the people to almost escape Universe City, but they caught him last minute. We mainly communicated through radio signals or called from old telephone cells. And I put my faith into him. My whole trust. Because, old sport, he would be released in a few months. Nilan had promised to help me get out of thr City, and for the first time I felt... hope. Maybe with his help I would not suffocate at the dirty air, or choke on water the goverment poisoned, forever.
There was one twist though... and that was to leave Toulouse behind. You know how important she is to me, old sport, but yet I was ready to take the risk and help her get out once I've run away with Nilan. In the end, it turned out to be so different. Everything went downwards when i took a risk and came to a meet up place at the border of the old industry in Universe City, to meet with Nilan's friends. Turned out, one of them was working for police. And that bastard had alarmed his colleagues.
I had to run away, no time to look back and Nilan ended up getting shot in the riot, or so I've heard. See, its not easy to get information here, but i managed to keep contact with someone from Nilan's friends. He's called Ouranus, and might not know how to flee Universe City, but he does have a lot of inside information on the people who betrayed me. We keep eacb other updated from time to time about the important things, you could say we have an alliance. Toulouse isn't really here to help me right now, seeing as she still has to hide from the Zycrepts that tried to kill her a few weeks ago, which means i have to find support somewhere else. And there Ouranus really comes in handy.
But with Nilan also died my hope. I'm telling you, old sport, my story may seem exciting and the live here like in an action movie, but really it's just tiring. I just need a fucking break from all of this. Yet, the goverment is hard and strict. They dont give breaks. They chase you until you die or they kill you. There arent any other options.
This story is why i can't have lovers or strong emotional bonds. Toulouse is already a big risk to keep around for so long, but without me... she'd have no one. She would let herself slide and the Zycrepts would kill her. By now they're literal killing machines, going after the few that managed to escape the matrix.
Running away from the Cyborgs had got me thinking. If trusting someone would inevitably result into being in constant danger or people i care about getting killed, then I'd rather stop talking to anyone at all. What would February say?
Oh February, i thought about you a lot in the past months. What would you say to all of this? Would you laugh at me while i play tricks on the robots, or would you scoff at my naivety? I cant tell... youve been away for far to long. Why did you leave me, February? Wasn't i enough? I tried to hate you for a while, you know, but it wasnt possible. I am unable to hate such a shining person like you, such a bright flame in a pit of darkness. I miss you...
Back to reality, old sport, there's no time for daydreams. Whenever I have to go buy weapons, food or just non-poisonous water, I disguise myself. Put on one of those masks that stick directly to the face and are almost invisible, wear a wig, and some clothes from a guy i murdered. And when i am there, in public, surrounded by so many other people that are slowly turned into machines, I get scared. What if someone catches me? What if my masks losens or my wig falls off? But i guess I've been lucky, over the past months I've learned how to blend in more and better. This means more information, more actually healthy food and water and sadly paying less attention to things. Yesterday, I swear i saw May- the one who betrayed me- out of the corner of my eye, but before i could get a chance to look again, he was gone. My concentration's slipping, and that's not good.
I think if i wouls stay on air for longer, the Zycrepts might catch up on someone sending a radio signal, which would mean that the city would start to monitor the radio too, which we don't want, right, old sport?
Radio Silence out.
#radio silence#universe city#radio#podcast#hello i hope somebody is listening#episode 2#life#love#trust#beware of the zycrepts
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Okay so I have a few concerns. I'll list them down below.
1. The font on the application is difficult to read, even when I have my glasses on. The custom font just isn't doin it even if it 'aesthetically' matches the rp. This is a blatant accessibility issue.
2. Why is the age restriction not prominent anywhere EXCEPT the application? And why are you so loose about it? 'A few months of turning 17' is still 16--even then, what 'heavy topics'? Death? You gotta be more specific, man. That should be explicitly stated on the blog's pinned, and it shouldn't be so loose. This isn't even mentioning how the server is open to join, but the application form is put up like it's the only way in. It should really focus on the character at least a bit, so you can gauge it.
3. I'm worried high ranks will be controlled exclusively by moderators despite this rp being apparently 'years old'.
Apologies for being so cynical and skeptical, this just blares many many red flags.
First of all, thanks so much for taking the time out of your day to inquire with us! I'll take the time to answer these to the best of my ability.
1. We have two different methods in which you can apply, should you be having any issues ! It sounds like you're currently trying to apply through our google form. I hear that the font is hard for you to read; we'll send a message to our staff team to have that fixed. In the meantime, however, we do have in-server applications. If you check out our pinned post, there's a link directly to the server, where you can apply within. Hope this helps!
2. The age restriction is posted on our disboard, on the application, and within the server in our rules. Our mature topics include things like death, politics, gore, betrayal, and other emotional or mentally taxing events or encounters. We don't host any 'sexual' topics, in or out of roleplay, so while we do have an age requirement of 17 [with a wave of 3 months should other parts of your application go through accordingly], this is just to ensure that we're all at about the same maturity. For context on that, we require social medias and a roleplay sample upon applying- this is for us to scope out the applicant [ensure there's no hatespeech, or signs of hate in any way, and/or ensure there's no support of anything we don't want brought into the server, etc]. Our age requirement is less for anything legal, and more for the comfort of our older members and our peace of mind. As most of us are 18 or older, it's a common agreeance that it would just feel strange to associate with, say, 14-15 year olds on a regular basis- not because we're outwardly inappropriate.
Again referring to the answer on our first question for the latter portion of #2- you *are* able to apply from within; we have multiple ways of applying!! If you look at our pinned post, it's almost easier to go directly into the server to apply than through our google docs. We just like to provide multiple forms for everyone's comfort levels, since not everyone might want to join a server and apply with the chances of being turned away.
3. This is a great concern and something that we actively try to avoid! In RECODED, we have some pretty original lore, which allows for about 4 healers [formerly known as medicine cats, which we have changed the title of as we felt it was cultural appropriation to keep it that way] per faction, and also opens up some new positions such as something called a 'matchmaker' in Empyrean Ichor. We currently have slots for 20 high positions including full healers and their apprentices, and currently only stand at having 8 staff total. We actually just introduced a matchmaker and their apprentice to the ranks, the only role of its kind, neither of which being staff. We also have two deputies out of the three factions also not being staff. While three leaders are currently staff, only two began as staff when the server began- the third only becoming staff later after great involvement and activity.
There are a few things to note such as those being in high positions very likely being the ones to either apply or be scouted for staff, when they originally did not attain their positions while staff. So while a good chunk [but not all] of our staff members have a high position, or what we refer to as POPS [positions of power] in RECODED, it's not due to us actively only choosing staff for these positions. Anyone at any time is allowed to apply for an open position of power, and have been urged to at many separate occasions.
As for your last comment, no worries! I appreciate that you took the time to ask for clarification rather than just writing us off! I hope these replies smooth out any worries you had and that you feel comfortable to come to us again if need be!
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i keep sending you gg asks im so sorry but im watching a video essay rn and it's about lane and its about how like. in a way lanes entire character is kind of a backstory into lorelai's life like her character itself is a prequel to the gilmore girls? which does make sense a little because they both grew up in very restricted households and controlling mothers and family lives and there is the big difference with wreath and class at its core its still kind of the same thing. and this isn't meant 2 reduce lane because obviously i love lane she's my girl and i would die for her! but it does. make a lot of sense and gives v interesting insight into both lane and lorelai's character and idk i can send u the video essay if u want but i wanted to know ur thoughts?
NO OMG I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN and i’ve always thought that! like while the parallels aren’t completely perfect, we do glean insights into how lorelai was feeling through lane; mrs. kim and emily are also super similar maternal figures in that they care so fucking much about their daughters but just… don’t know how to parent without suffocating their kids. both lane and lorelai felt like the love of their mothers was a conditional thing—that believed they had to present themselves a certain way around them, and that they wouldn’t be accepted if they tried to be their authentic selves. it’s super heartbreaking when you really think about it bc both lorelai and lane had so much self-directed hate for literally just… being regular teenage girls. listening to rock music and wearing trendy clothes and having crushes/dating resulted in them getting shamed, but those things are so normal and they really should’ve been allowed to do them. that’s the thing about being a teenager—it’s all about trying on different versions of yourself and going through phases to figure out who you are, but neither of them had any wiggle room to do that and so they both kind of ended up stuck (and both of them having babies at a super young age definitely contributed to this as well). emily and mrs. kim had impossibly high expectations for their daughters and they both flipped out when either of them made mistakes because it would “look bad”—to their neighbors, their community (mrs. kim’s church, emily’s club friends), etc. it was all about appearances and obedience and maintaining a facade of perfection, and lane and lor were crushed by that.
#asks#gilmore girls#literaturebf#lorelai gilmore#lane kim#i definitely think it was intentional from a narrative standpoint#it allowed the audience to have more compassion for lorelai bc we were able to see how stifled she felt without like. constant flashbacks#not to say that was lane’s only purpose on the show at all!!! but her character was a bit of a window into lor’s past#ugh this is so fucking interesting ive been thinking about it for days#also YES send the vid essay!!!!#fyi if this is nonsensical it’s bc I got like two hours of sleep last night
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to preface this, this is not hate i just kept rambling bc i do feel strongly abt the matter, apologies and feel free to disregard if you'd rather not have discourse on your blog.
kick was literally (co) founded by people who felt that twitch's policies and their enforcement against hate speech, slurs, etc (which aren't that great to begin with) were too restrictive. adin ross is a co-owner, or at least he has claimed as much and not been challenged by kick itself.
that platform has a userbase that absolutely would harass the kind of people in sapnap's audience, so being in his chat or watching list really just puts a target on them/us. and kick's moderation tools are infamously poor.
like yes, twitch needs to be toppled from its monopoly but not at the cost of giving a larger piece of the proverbial pie to kick of all places. twitch's leadership is interested in profit at the expense of their employees and users both, and they have no interest in protecting or empowering marginalized creators or users. it's shit, but it's ultimately a matter of them not caring, while kick's leadership is actively hostile to marginalized people, and that is going to make a difference in what changes can be made at all.
(and about amazon, kick still uses amazon servers and webservices for the actual streaming portion of their platform, so... )
finally, while i absolutely agree that the way twitch treats its streamers, including things like the revenue split, is horrid, quite a bit of sapnap's stated reasoning about things like twitch not offering him a contract (beyond regular partner i guess) or the ceo not knowing him, are kind of... not unreasonable when you look at how much he has actually USED twitch. he's had the sapnap account for years and only streamed three hundred odd hours, even if you add the alt streams it's... not that much. and most of all, it's never really been consistent. he may stream every day for like a week but then its months of nothing outside like, mcc. only going live for special events isn't going to net one a big contract, and there is only so far the fame of being one of the OG dsmp members will get you.
i like sapnap, but i think if he truly believes kick's ceos making vague non-specific promises of "making the site better" he is being naive, because what they're looking for it most definitely just another "famous" name (big mcyt internet phenomenon or whatever) and title (nrg co-owner) they can use to advertise their site and legitimize it. going by his paste bin, they played at his ego, and because he felt slighted by twitch (not entirely unfairly given how twitch sucks in supporting and even just appreciating or fairly paying their creators), he took it.
trying to migrate his fanbase over to a platform headed and controlled by people who actively hate the people making up most of that fanbase is, frankly, ludicrous. but kick doesn't need his viewers, they need his name, so why would they care?
like yes, generally even founders can be replaced eventually, but in this case, these owners also own the crypto gambling bank thing that funds all of kick, so you can't really force them out unless or until the platform can carry itself - and the multiple other attempts at making twitch competitors kind proved that that is hard to achieve.
they control the money, they control the platform, and if they want the platform to be a space where they and those like them can be as hateful and bigoted as they want, that's what it's going to be.
these are all very valid points, and I hope my response to this won't come off as a massive BUT in defense of kick
that platform sucks. that much is obvious, and if Ross is really the co-owner that's just all the more reason to feel unsafe to be there. I don't know nearly enough about all their policies and given everything that has been said about them I never really had much interest in looking into them further. it's just another site that is full of toxic hypermasc culture
I won't go and defend Sapnap's decision to move there, either, but I think there is a lot he is not telling us (be it because he is unsure or because of contracts) that made him feel that a move like this is worth it. he isn't stupid, he knows his fanbase is massive and consists of many marginalized groups, so if he thought that kick is better than twitch even with a massively queer and poc fanbase, he must have had his reasons. I doubt he didn't talk this through with Dream, George, his managers etc.
I also don't want to entirely y'know defend twitch with their policies. cause their policies regarding hate speech are absolutely shit. remember when they banned the word "simp"? because people didn't like it? but did absolutely nothing about all the sexual harrassment going on? yeah. I also want to add that my automod that twitch provides is sometimes more than unreliable and censored a regular for saying "long gay cat" in chat. loosening the restrictions will definitely cause damage to those who deserve to be protected the most, but the restrictions did little to protect them to begin with, in my experience.
from what I remember of early twitch it was pretty loose like kick is now. big names coming in might result in tightening policies, even if that comes off as wishful thinking. all platforms ended up doing so, sooner or later.
what I do find a little ridiculous is how people insist that the majority of the userbase of kick are the type to harass Sapnap's fans which, while true, should not matter as much as we make it out to be? I genuinely doubt that they will all immediately flock to Sapnap's channel and spam slurs in chat and be in such overwhelming numbers it will be unbearable. and if it was, and became a regular issue, Sapnap would definitely do something about it. unless the majority of their userbase is likely to open streams of chill people and then target every person in chat
I dunno, it's much ado about nothing so far, we only got an announcement and it's hard to judge how things will play out after the move. it's fair that streamers, especially with as big a following as Sapnap, want better deals out of twitch. I don't know about them but the affiliate deals are not that great and very far from fair. moving to kick might not be the best thing but honestly, what other choice is there other than maybe YouTube?
we're all panicking ahead of time as this fandom has a tendency to, so idk. let's all take a deep breath and see how things play out before jumping into conclusion. it's certainly gonna be a lot less bad than people insist, and worst case scenario I'm sure the vods will be reuploaded to YT by some good samaritan.
#asks#discourse#as for me I dont really watch sap's streams much to begin with his screaming gives me anxiety#and while I dont wanna defend kick nor his choice to go its... well. its up to him in the end#and Id rather wait and see how things play out once he moves#we dont have to throw money at kick nor do we have to watch those streams no ones forcing anyone to do that#Im just glad to see big names leaving twitch maybe george and dream could join the migration but go to YT live instead
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Thoughts on Worms games from someone who didn't grow up with any
Worms: Armageddon
I barely played this one, I didn't even know how to jump and gave up at the tutorial because I found it to be too unforgiving. Hearing about its popularity seems to have a reverse psychology effect on me, but I want to try it again at some point. I don't find it visually appealing, but the gameplay must be good if people praise it?
Worms 3D
Feels like Mayhem with janky movement physics. The worms in this game are cute, but they tend to look like they're either sad, drunk or have a case of Resting Bitch Face.
Worms Forts: Under Siege
I feel like this game is a spin-off but also not? I played through the tutorial, felt bored and confused simultaneously, didn't want to touch the game for a while afterwards, and just started the campaign yesterday only to feel that way again once I got to a level where I had to actively build. I wished I was doing something else. It was more fun watching the worms' animations than actually playing. I also hate how the camera controls feel. I probably would've liked the cancelled kart game better.
Worms 4: Mayhem
I got this one after WUM, initially to try out the free camera thingy, then test the OpenSpy patch (I haven't tried much, but I heard it doesn't work well, maybe I should just try LAN instead). Maybe I could try modding something oneday, since WUM seems to be modding-unfriendly. I don't want to play the campaign here because I know what kind of "voice acting" it has.
Worms: Revolution
This game makes me feel like an idiot. I like the worms' designs in this though, they have to be my 2nd favourite. I also recognize a lot of animations borrowed from Mayhem.
Worms: Ultimate Mayhem
This was my introductory Worms game. A friend suggested trying it back in February. We played it together via Parsec and it was funny experience. Wormpot helps spicing up the gameplay a lot. Worms flying high and far from overpowered explosions is a type of comedy. In rare occasions worms may get stuck in unexpected places, which is also funny. My first team was one with blue hair and I became attached to it, hence why that detail appears in my art a lot. The worms' design in this game has really grown on me and become my favourite.
Worms: Crazy Golf
I'm far from great and I just don't vibe with it overall.
Worms W.M.D
I'm pretty sure this was my first 2D game. I felt lost (and still do to an extent) with the amount of crafted weapons. Things tend to go wrong, but that can make it fun at times. This was also suggested by a friend, we played it together, and they used some mega destructive weapon (don't remember the name), and... let's just say it didn't always go in their favor.
Worms Rumble
I happened to be fortunate enough that a veteran player gifted me a code, so I bypassed Steam's regional restriction AND didn't spend any of my own money. There are a lot of maxed out players who can casually kick my ass, but there still are middle level and even new players I have a better chance against. As someone whose judgment isn't clouded by nostalgia, I want to say this game is... enjoyable. I only played one Battle Royale type game prior, but I didn't stick with it, maybe I chickened out. I recognize there's a problem with the number of active players: Quick Search rarely gives me Last Worm Standing and Last Squad Stading matches because they're always getting a single digit number of players. I heard there've been no updates lately and suggestions to make the game F2P. Regardless I've passed Level 25 (max is 50) and I'm certain I want to keep playing.
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HI DOVE! i was painting what do u think is the most beautiful aspect of the face? doesnt have to be physically beautiful!
but also im thinking sm abt ocean metaphors ooh the distance ooh the unfathomable thats within our reach ooooh the lack of control... was reading regen fro school and like wow society. thinking a lot about how people are restricted by institutions and values of their society hmm! do u think we still like, are restricted by those things?
LAB HELLO LAAAB I am late to this, pardon me! I'll try to answer this as promptly and as succinctly as I can, except that "promptly" and "succinctly" by Dove Standards is still a lot of text even if I don't talk about anything particularly profound or below surface level, so I'll be cutting this off!
Since you mentioned painting, I'm going to go based on what I tend to find the most interesting to represent in art, and in that case I find there's usually a tie between eyes and noses for me!
I don't think eyes have to be explained much, "the window to the soul" etcetera et al, but it certainly is true. When it comes to my art, I actually do not have a well-developed sense of facial stylization, especially when it comes to eyes. I just don't have a very consistent way of drawing, and that much becomes painfully clear if you look at a lot of my pieces combined. So I find myself re-drawing eyes a lot from scratch, and it makes me realise just how much any small difference can add characterisation in a new and unprecedented way, whether it be the shape or angle or eyelashes or the slightest squint or scrunch of them. I play a lot with that, and though it can get frustrating when I just can't get the right effect, it is a fascinating experiment in its own way. Sometimes, for fun, I try to test myself by trying to design & draw a set of characters only by their eyes.
Noses in art! I am definitely biased because I have a pretty distinct and large hooked nose that I severely struggled to accept growing up; I ended up realising that if I had a more typical, smaller, ski-sloped or button nose, I wouldn't look at all like myself anymore. It's definitely a strong and prominent feature, love it or hate it, but that's exactly why I essentially realised that it suits me & my personality. So that lead me to experimenting way more with different types of noses, different bridges and sizes, and trying to see how they mend with various features in character design. I find it really beautiful!
I LOVE HOW YOU DESCRIBED THE OCEAN METAPHORS HAHAHAH but it struck me! It reminded me of how I've always felt very drawn to water, especially when I was younger. Though I never knew exactly how to feel about the ocean... it's still beautiful, but something about its vastness felt unsettling to me at times. I could interpret that sense of uneasiness in many different ways, but I won't, to spare you that headache. My last trip was almost one year ago, here is a little photo from that time.
"Wow society" indeed! I think we are, unfortunately, very much restricted by both of those things in many ways, shapes, and forms, and it takes naiveté and privilege (though they intersect almost inherently in many cases) to be able to say otherwise. If we weren't restricted, I would be living a very, very different life under a very different form of self-expression... but sometimes it hurts to think about that. We have all sacrificed many pieces of ourselves under that circumstance. I'm particularly interested by how restrictions manifest in different ways under more specifically cultural & familial or hereditary means, and how they end up contradicting each other. But that is a very convoluted topic!
You always ask very interesting questions, and I appreciate it greatly! Thank you greatly for taking the time to send me your thoughts :-]
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kind of positive entry i guess.
i think, even though weight loss has slowed down a bit, im genuinely so excited to get smaller and feel so much happier with my body. i love seeing that your chest shrinks soo much the smaller you are and godddd i want that sooo bad. i could probably get keyhole top surgery or somethiny similar where it wont even look like i have scars at all! maybe i could go without a binder and still pass. im so so excited for that!
i can finally feel like a cute small alternative guy i am snd wanna be. im short for a guy and my bf calls me tiny all the time but its not enough because i dont *feel* tiny. when i actually am i can wear my emo hoe clothes and still look really good, like in thigh highs, crop tops, muscle shirts. xl shirts will be super baggy on me and itll look even cuter bc im so small.
i wont have to suck in or anything to feel small or like i have a flat stomach itll just..be there. ive wanted that since i first was aware i had an ed in middle school and always felt like i never achieved it, even at my lower weights. its gonna be different this time.
i havent been walking much anymore because its so fucking hot outside and i depended on it so much bc i kinda struggled with soley restricting and losing from that. im doing so much better with that and that genuinely makes me so happy!
i go back and forth between hating myself but i know there are things to love about me and im not just a bad person. one of my biggest copes has always been to change my appearance to feel more comfortable in the body ill be living it. the past few years ive started to change it a bit less because i feel like im reaching my peak, and itll be so nice to finaaally not worry about my weight anymore, and even if my weight goes up and down a bit if its around 115 i can manage it, im already at my goal so i just gotta maintain it the best i can.
i can eat foods on my metabolism days or special events and not feel fat and greedy cause literally anyone could look at me and see im not. theyll probably be happy im eating more lol ill actually feel like its ok to have little treats and not just guilt for it.
no everything wont be perfect. i got a fucking eating disorder where ill be feeling weaker but a lot of people do and manage to cope and live with it, i just got to adapt and do my best. im hoping i can control it no matter how addicting it is to keep losing. going below 100 fucking terrifies me. i never want to be in the hospital again for my ed.
i know theyre happy and proud of me for gaining but ill just feel so miserable watching myself change like that. i just want to exist in a body i like as a small guy going about his life, someday being a tattoo artist and living my dreams, all of them, i want to be exactly how ive always wanted to be, i want to heal from past traumas and feel like a person again. even if i might be objectified sometimes at least ill actually feel hot so. i jus gotta make sure i got weapons n i should be ok. im always scared of creeps. i jus want to be small and cute and ok
what matters is that i will love myself, i will still live, i will still move, i will love others, and i will be me.
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Three Years of Befriending Change
Three years. Wow, let that sink in. The journey has been so fast and so slow at the same time, and what a ride it truly has been. Sometimes, I feel I changed so much; other times, I feel like I am more me than I’ve ever been. Confusing, right? That’s what massive chunks of adjustment would do to you, I guess.
Before 2020, I think I had my life pretty much figured out. It wasn’t perfect, but I knew what I wanted. I knew where I was headed. And cocky as it sounds, I was quite sure on how it was all going to end. But when the pandemic made its grand entrance—plus some other external factors—all my plans were shattered. Just like that. Life’s funny that way. From being so used to having things within my control, everything was suddenly stripped out of my hands. I got robbed of a life I carefully built myself around.
Tabula rasa. A clean slate. So clean and so spotless that it was insanely scary. Change is, more often than not, scary. That phase of my life was so dark, that truth be told, I wouldn’t wish it even on my worst enemy. However, I eventually realized in hindsight, that the fear of the unknown can be leveraged as a fuel to befriend change. It’s a tedious process to get there though. First, you have to hate it, then grieve for it, sit beside its discomfort, listen to it, take its hand, and finally, embrace it. There’s just no other way. Believe me, being stubborn led me absolutely nowhere.
Traveling was also one of the things I loved doing that was put on hold for three years due to the pandemic. Even when the lockdowns stopped and the restrictions loosened, I felt this lingering fear to put myself on a plane. But last year, I took a leap of faith and went somewhere nice for my birthday. It felt so good; it’s like finally exhaling after holding my breath for so long. I happily welcomed the parts of myself back that I set aside for a while.
I know you’re probably wondering why I’m jumping from embracing change to traveling. I’m not sure too, hahaha! But maybe the snapshots below can do the explaining for me. These are a couple of random photos of me at Accenture offices abroad. Somehow, while I was wandering in Fukuoka and Copenhagen, I ended up passing by these offices—both by chance, in different seasons. It’s like the Cosmos was ridiculously reminding me that work was waiting for me back home.
AND that change, although inevitable, can surprise you with its generosity. How? It actually allows you to keep some parts of yourself the same, while giving you more room to grow and more space to thrive in. It’s still you, but a rebranded version of you, with an upgraded life. And it’s all because of the overwhelming process, all the new things you learned (willingly and/or begrudgingly), all the experiences, all the highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows stitched together.
While I’m still afraid of change, I no longer see it as an enemy. I see it as a necessity. And if it takes my hand, I will let it. Hopefully, with less doubt and more graciousness. <3
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SYNOPSIS you did not like yang jungwon. not since that day where he had round house kicked you in the face, leading to a lost tooth, shameful tears and a bloody nose. and then just like your tooth, he disappeared. but then there he was again, in all his glory, at the fansign you were forced to bring your sister to.
Sparring was always your least favorite part of taekwondo growing up. you had three reasons.
One, the gear was uncomfortable and heavy, restricting movement
Two, you got so sweaty to the point it felt like it was raining
Three some kids just did not know how to spar.
Sure they had the power or stamina, but they lacked the technique. and so instead of having a proper sparring match, you instead were on the receiving end of too-low kicks to your poor knees, too high kicks that were giving you brain damage, and getting constantly kneed in the stomach, and you were sure you were going to throw up any minute now.
Actually, sparring wasn’t just your least favorite. you hated it. despised it even.
And then once again, your unfortunately stuck sparring. you have your sweaty gear on once again, as you bounce on the balls of your feet in defense position, yang jungwon is across from you, watching.
Jungwon’s good, and you know that. he’s quick and flexible. his kicks come fast. . .but his defense? not so much you barely block his kick, before countering just as quickly, aiming for the side and back of his chest guard. you hear the successful thud of your kick, and smile to yourself before quickly sliding away from him, successfully evading a kick from him.
Yet, this match going was going too well. probably too good to be true. years of experience had taught you that something always went wrong during sparring. always.
And then the reasons why you hate sparring, and why its one of the top ten worst things in the world were supported once again.
One. the gear’s heavy and annoying.
Two. you’re thirty seconds in and you’re sweating so much that it’s inside of your eyes and burning
Three. some of these kids have no control when it comes to sparring, and yang jungwon’s just round-house kicked you in the face and all you can taste is blood and there’s an empty gap where your tooth should be.
You burst into tears.
NEW TWEET FROM ENHYPEN OFFICIAL!
00 - the beginning of it all
masterlist ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ previous ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ next
a/n very much based on true experiences unfortunately i can confirm sparring IS hell, anyways hope you guys enjoyed!
taglist @oldjws @rosas-in-the-garden @dokidokior @blurryriki @soobincantswim @zhanghaoed @ilovejungwonandhaechan @a-dream-bookmark @ilyjxdz @minhypenreblogs @kgneptun @dimplewonie
bold if cannot be tagged, italic are networks
ׂ╰┈➤"VIRAL BREAK"
GENRE smau, comedy, fluff, angst maybe later on
PAIRING y.jungwon x f!taekwondo player reader
WARNINGS cursing, mentions of violence
copyright © zhounauts 2024
#k labels#k films#jungwon x reader#enhypen jungwon#jungwon smau#enhypen x female reader#enhypen smau#enhypen x reader#enhypen#enha#enhypen fic#yang jungwon#jungwon fluff
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BUCKLE UP FOLKS THIS IS A VERY PERSONAL POST (abt questioning gender wahooo)
am I enby? am I a butch/tomboy? am I a demigirl? am I only questioning my gender identity bc I live in a patriarchal society where femininity is demonized so I feel comfier in the default which is masculinity? h m m m . .
like I cringe when people call me "a good girl" or "ladylike" or whatever, but that's typically said by desi aunties n stuff, I know they don't mean to hurt me or anything and I do appreciate the sentiment bc they just want to acknowledge how hard I work . . . but it just messes with me, like it doesn't feel right being called that . . . I don't think i'd care much if people saw me as a boy or whatever, but I guess that'd be hard to do lol I look pretty fem (got pretty soft ish facial features ig)
i've never really felt comfortable wearing traditional desi outfits bc I feel like I look wrong . . . in a way. Like they feel tight around my chest (and that's emphasized too much imo, but compared to others I might not have much to hide :P) and I think I'd feel much more comfortable wearing masc stuff like a panjabi or something (but that doesn't have to be a gender thing, that could just be a comfort thing like shopping from the mens section in general)
i've never liked being seen as a stereotypical woman or being held to all these restricting molds that afab folks are forced into, like having kids and managing domestic roles n stuff . . . like is that all I am? a walking incubator? I'm more than that :\\ maybe I feel safer presenting as masc bc being fem comes with all these standards I feel suffocated by.
i don't mind she/her pronouns but I think I wanna try out they/them along with that, make a little pronoun salad yk? mix things up and experiment bc there's nothing wrong with that. And with fem clothes, I think some are fine, like i'll wear a tennis skirt now and again, but I think I might just have a general dislike for them bc my mom has picked out my clothes for me since I was little, and her perception of how her daughter should look doesn't match up with how her kid sees themselves. She grew up in a different culture, which isn't her fault. If I feel confident in fem clothes, it's because I picked it out and Ik i'll feel good in them because it's what I want for myself.
I don't completely hate my appearance, I don't mind menstruating and bras and whatnot (I think I feel pretty fucking badass in them lol, black lace for the win lets gooo). But sometimes I don't really like the curves of my legs?? like sometimes I wish I could de-emphasize my hips so I try to wear baggier pants n whatnot. Is that a dysphoria thing? Maybe? I don't really know . . . And I never liked how my voice sounds bc its too high n nasally (maybe too fem? but all that boils down to how I define femininity), I wish I sounded like a few of my guy friends :\\ wish I had my voice a little deeper like theirs, need some of their testosterone lmaooo (I don't think I'd go on hormones or whatever, just joking around over circumstances I can't control). Sometimes I get this urge to cut all my hair off bc it's hella long and I think a shorter/medium style would be affirming for me. I've gotten used to seeing myself in a certain light that I really want to change things up just to see how my confidence would improve.
tldr, I guess I just feel mostly like a girl? but also not quite? if i'm making sense. I just don't like how rigid gender norms are in western society and I don't completely feel like a boy or want to be a boy either. I'm pretty attracted to and would like to present more masculine (mostly regarding clothing, but also my crushes have been pretty masc/tomboyish) or androgynous in general.
in the end, how I view myself will def change between now and later, so I don't need to feel pressured by picking a label or feeling intimidated by using a term that feels "wrong". if I think it'll work for me now, I might as well stay with it unless something changes in the future. phases aren't necessarily a bad thing, it just means you're taking time to experiment and see what fits you best, you wanna understand yourself and there's no harm in that.
#gender muse#shira is going through a gender journey atm#queer shenanigans and all that#personal rant#personal#gender????
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