#it's just that they're so incompatible thinking about them ending up together hurts | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

caligvlasaqvarivm · 2 months

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love all your thoughts on eridan so much!! ive had erikar as a passive concept in my head since i started slowly rereading homestuck, bit i never invested as much thought into it...it makes a LOT of sense.

very curious on your thoughts on eridan and nepeta, if you have any? i dont really see much around of the two of them and how they may act around each other (most likely because, iirc, they have basically no substantial interaction in the comic....) but its a concept ive twisted around in my head a little.

Hahah, one of my friends is a Nepeta roleplayer, so we have hashed this OUT. Basically, I think if they talked a bit more, under the right circumstances, they might try pitch for a bit, but resolve to normal friendship. TL;DR, at the end of the day, they just don't really have anything to particularly hate about each other, or to particularly love, but I think they'd make for really good friends actually, if Eridan gets his shit together and Nepeta comes out of her shell a little more. She might wind up having to play auspice for him because... he has a lot of problems... and as a Heart player, with more proximity to him, she'd realize "oh, wait, he's not that bad, hes just mentally fucking ill," and there are people on the team who would not give him that kind of grace.

Flushed is pretty canonically off the table - despite having hit on her several times, Eridan seems to have accepted the rejection, and Nepeta herself comments that it always came off as "cr33py and insincere", which it probably was - he's clearly not over Feferi, and has a kind of "please god anyone would be fine I just don't want to be alone" vibe. Nepeta is definitely looking for more sincerity than that, and although Eridan's Type is very much cheerful, bubbly, nice girls (what he thinks Feferi is), I think they're pretty incompatible overall.

His antics and Emotional Issues would probably be super taxing on Nepeta long-term, he'd wind up in a million fights with protective Equius (Eridan is a crazed murderer even just objectively), and he's really not a particularly kind or pleasant person.

Meanwhile, although he's basically willing to go along with anything that'll get him attention, I think he'd be very puzzled by Nepeta's expectations that he do Romantic Things, or otherwise adhere to certain romantic tropes and social norms, which he can't do; when this inevitably leads to hurt feelings, his response to perceived danger is "fight," so he'd probably end up making it worse. So! Flushed is flushed. Down the load gaper, I mean.

Trying on pitch, I think if Nepeta was already a little bit out of her shell - say, Equius has died, or she's otherwise locked in a SGRUB dungeon with him, or something like that - she and he would come to blows over Eridan's performative casteism. Nepeta's the anti-casteism troll, after all, and if she's worked up enough, she's quite spirited and opinionated, and Eridan is down for anything, so it would be something I can absolutely see forming.

Actually, hilariously, when my friend and I RP'd this out, Nepeta wound up with a pitch crush, and Eridan wound up with a FLUSHED crush, because he was THAT BAD at differentiating between good and bad attention. Nepeta was totally floored, she was like, dude i was calling you stupid and terrible??? how the fuck did you interpret that as FLUSHED??? and eridan was like i dont know... maybe... i might have mental illness......

The problem is, I don't see their pitched dalliance lasting, for two main reasons - the first is that Eridan wouldn't hate Nepeta long-term, even if he can work up some caliginous energy because he's desperate; she's too genuinely nice and kind and he loves nice and kind people. Similarly, Nepeta wouldn't be able to hate Eridan the more she got to know him - since he's kind of the least casteist highblood, despite his initial impression, she would lose her fundamental reason for opposing him, and would instead start going "oh god, hes so traumatized, he's like that because he's really messed up inside."

The second is because I think they're dangerous for each other, physically. Eridan is a volatile highblood with severe emotional problems and a bodycount in the thousands, and Nepeta is very reckless in the face of danger; I can genuinely see them going a little too hard and Eridan getting a bit of a highblood buzz and winding up severely injuring Nepeta, which he would feel completely fucking terrible about, and then not allow himself to ACT like he feels terrible about it. Even if they stay in the relationship, it would kill his vibe, since when he isn't on an outright murder spree, he doesn't want to hurt his friends ("wwhat kind of friend wwould i be"). And that's not even factoring in how much EQUIUS would flip out over it.

I also don't think Nepeta is particularly equipped to deal with Eridan's problems, even if she does recognize and sympathize with them more than most on their team. Although she'd have more success than others, I think it'd leave her exhausted, because Eridan is exhausting. A Heart player obsessed with true feelings and sincerity and genuineness is just a bad match for the kid who's 90% façade.

So, ultimately, I think they'd resolve to really good friends, and Nepeta might wind up being a middle leaf for Eridan in an auspicetism situation, since Eridan... tends to draw aggro, and Nepeta at least would care about him enough that she doesn't want to see him get killed (even in the comic, as Nepetasprite, she expresses sadness that Eridan is dead, although she doesn't seem to know about his murders).

Eridan is also a roleplayer, lest we forget, and if Nepeta is able to draw out rare flashes of genuineness, they do have a bunch in common - she could commiscerate with him over the thrill of the hunt (although she'd have to be careful not to get too into the weeds about the, uh, Troll Murder aspect), RP with him (in a safe environment), or gossip about romance. They're both pretty painfully sincere people at their core, so while I ultimately don't see them being particularly romantically compatible, I do really love the idea of them being close friends. If only Eridan didn't always make things Fucking Weird.

And also since I really love pitch FefNep, Nepeta becoming friends with Eridan would help fuel her hate dates with Feferi - ":33 < do you even realize how messed up killing lusii fur YOU left him???" "W)(at would you )(ave preferred, t)(at my lusus went )(ungry and krilled everybody? 3X0"

#eridan ampora #homestuck #nepeta leijon

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comicaurora · 6 months

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Hiya Red! ♥️

This is in regards to something you mentioned about the OST of Last Unicorn.

I love that film and have watched it many, *many* times! And - like you - I always found the duet distinctly... off. I never could pin down why, I just knew it made me uncomfortable and didn't seem to fit. With the movie or even just the rest of the soundtrack. But when you discribed it as 'out of the singers' range' I had something of an epiphany and I couldn't help but wonder what you'd think of it, so here I am. 😆

What *if* that is actually sneaky characterisation/commentary on the romantic subplot? I mean, this whole soundtrack is so well put together I feel like it has to be intentional, right?

The way I see it both singers are straining just like the characters are, for something that is just out of their reach. And also isn't really right for them. And I feel like on some level they know it. That, I think, is why the climax of the song is particularly discordant. It's to signify that them coming together, as they are doing in the scene, is wrong. For them as people and for the story at large.

Dunno. Just my two cents.

I would love to hear your thoughts on it. IF you have the time and energy to spare! No stress! Most of all I just wanted to let you know about a possible (maybe?) reason for this weird thing, just in case it kept bothering you. (As a fellow ADHD brain I know it be like that sometimes. 😄)

Thank you so much for all your hard work! Love your channel so much! You guys are the best!! And can't wait to see your next stream! (You gotta save my giiiirl!!! 😭🐉)

💖💖💖

Tbh I kinda doubt they'd intentionally make music that sounds bad to do that, when there are many musically pleasing ways to signal that a romantic duet is between characters that are actually incompatible - even things like Love is an Open Door, where "we finish each other's-" "sandwiches!" "That's what I was gonna say!" helpfully hints that Hans is fluidly saying whatever he needs to in order to appeal to Anna without making the audience's ears hurt. One of the more impactful bits of the Death Note musical is that Misa keeps trying to have a romantic duet with Light and Light is much too busy having homoerotic duets with L instead, so Misa ends up basically belting a solo over the much more synced-up music of the dynamic duo. It's a musically pleasing way to signal which characters are in sync and which ones aren't. Several songs in Wicked do this too, like in Dancing Through Life where the romantic duo declare that since they're both perfect they must be perfect together, or the song that basically says "I must be happy, because happy is what happens when all your dreams come true."

I think the main thing that makes that duet not work is that it's one of the only parts of the OST that's sung by the main voice cast rather than a professional singer. The composition is solid, but it kinda sounded like it wasn't composed with their personal ranges in mind - possibly composed before they were cast. They could've done what disney was doing - cast a singer for the character songs and a separate voice actor for the dialogue - which they apparently did in the theatrical release, having Kate Irving sing instead of Mia Farrow, but they didn't for the video release, so the voice actors have to just try their best, possibly with only one or two takes to do it in, and the end result is a bit of a mess.

#asks #not aurora

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thosewildcharms · 2 months

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If Lori had lived do you think Rick and Michonne would’ve still fallen in love? I’m sure most of us do but I’m curious as to how you see an alternate universe like that playing out? I feel like either Rick mirrors Lori and tries to sticks with marriage (either a broken or healing one) and as such it takes even longer for him and Michonne to connect. Or having Lori’s presence actually forces whatever grows between Rick and Michonne to be uncomfortably brought to the surface and instead accelerates their realization of their feelings. What do you think?

hey anon! these are all really interesting questions to think about.

i mean, i definitely think rick and michonne would have fallen in love anyway, and that was before the ones who live came into my house and said yes, definitively, they are soulmates and michonne is the love of his life.

i liked lori, and i think the amount of hate she gets can be unfair and sometimes uncalled for, but i also think she and rick were fundamentally incompatible and that michonne or no michonne, wouldn't have made it in the long run either way. in the very first scene of the show, rick tells shane that he and lori have been having a rough time, that she always seems pissed at him and he doesn't know why. this lack of understanding between them only seems to build over seasons 1 and 2, no matter how hard they're both trying.

that being said, i do think rick had every intention of trying to work things out with lori. he said as much when he was talking to her (to himself) on the phone after she died. specifically, he was going to get them safe first, and then he would "put it back together" as in, work on fixing their relationship. he was angry with her, and extremely hurt, but he still loved her, and at no point do i think he had ever really given up on her. that, i think, is part of why she haunted him for so long and why he felt so much guilt. he never really had a chance to tell her all of that before she was gone.

i don't know how long it would have taken them to call it quits had lori survived childbirth but i do think the chemistry and connection with michonne would have still established itself pretty quickly, and i think rick would definitely feel that innate understanding and connection in sharp contrast to how out of sync he and lori have always been. and i think lori would probably clock it as well. BUT, rick is no cheater - in fact, he's so honorable in that regard that i think as long as he was still focused on working things out with lori he would never let himself even think about going there with someone else. and for her part (and, from what I know, unlike her comic book counterpart but don't quote me on that) michonne would never get within a hundred feet of that situation - romantically - until it was completely resolved. this show doesn't really do love triangles (even shane/lori/rick wasn't so much a love triangle as it was a vehicle for rick's growth) so i think rick and lori's relationship would end and resolve itself on its own without any interference.

so with all of that in mind, i think rick and michonne would still have been a slow burn that matched pretty closely with what we saw in canon, except this time instead of rick having to get past the grief of losing lori, it would be just be the decline and resolution of that relationship that had he'd have to work through. while that was happening, i think rick and michonne would still naturally build their relationship, which would be platonic until it wasn't, just like in canon. for example, i think they'd still find it very easy to open up to each other, still be like-minded in most areas, michonne would still bond with carl. they'd still like being around each other and understand each other in ways no one else really could. and then they'd realize they were in love once they were safe and available to examine their own feelings. i think they'd still have been quietly and subconsciously in love with each other for a long while, but unready and/or unable to do anything about it until suddenly they were. so they could very much still mirror canon in that regard.

as for exactly how it would happen beat by beat, well. i'm no fanfic writer lol but i think there could be some subconscious yearning in there as well. as a treat.

#answered #richonne #twd #i hope this answered your question anon! apologies if i misunderstood what you were asking #or if this is a very boring take lol

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kyrakyrakitty · 13 days

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this might come off as cruel or sadistic, but i don't want walpurgisnacht rising to have a perfect ending for madoka and homura. i dont want a doom and gloom ending, either - i think the best outcome of the film would be a bittersweet ending ♡

i dont wanna flood your dashes, so ill elaborate below the cut!! and in case you dont want to read, ill wish you a good day now ♡♡

first tho, pmmm is a story of hope, and it's given that to me and so many others for over a decade now. i think everyone is touched by it in a different way, and that's one of my favorite parts of this community!! but that's also to say, i know i don't speak for everyone here, and i love seeing posts about a happily-ever-after scenario for the holy quintet ♡ i love all of these characters immensely, and i definitely understand the desire to see them finally find peace, so i dont write this with any ill intent towards the characters or all of you in this community who just want to see them happy ♡ i know many of you have just as special a place in your heart for this series as i do, and i think thats incredible for so many reasons ♡

that said!

madoka's wish and homura's wish are inherently incompatible. they're mutually exclusive. madoka cannot sacrifice herself for the greater good without devastating homura, and homura cannot keep madoka safe without preventing her from fulfilling her dream of giving everything she has to others. there cannot be hope without despair, after all.

ive always loved the ending of the og series for being so bittersweet. it says "life can be painful, but there's always reason to hope", and "you are never alone", but it doesn't promise a perfect outcome. life will hurt, and you can do everything in your power to change it, but just as you can always find hope for a better tomorrow, you can never erase all of the pain from the world. i think a happily-ever-after ending would muddle that message, and i don't think its possible for madoka and homura to live happily together - at least not as they are now.

if madoka and homura were to end up together at the end, they'd both have to undergo major character development. madoka would have to realize that as hard as she tries, she can't save everyone, and sometimes the pain you'll cause by sacrificing yourself will outweigh whatever hope you might instill. homura would have to come to terms with the fact that she cannot spare madoka from every source of pain without, herself, hurting madoka.

the happiest ending i could forsee (for madohomu, at least) would involve both of them undergoing a major event to come to their respective conclusions and move forward together with that trauma and an earnest desire to reach an equilibrium. i think the most effective way to accomplish this would be a major character death - probably mami and/or sayaka (and if both, may as well throw in kyoko and nagisa for extra angst! :) ♡) - that occurs specifically because madoka has overused her magic to help others and no longer has any to give to save her friend(s) without completely corrupting her soul gem, and similarly because homura could not prevent madoka from witnessing the death(s) of those she cherished and experiencing that grief and pain.

alternately, the two could cease to exist together. perhaps the "homura is walpurgisnacht" theory is true (i think there's a solid chance) and in order to save the world, madoka has to use all her strength to kill her and the two of them go down together kyosaya style.

another fun ending (albeit not one where the two are together) is a variation of madoka killing homura as walpurgisnacht - what if madoka had to kill homura before she becomes walpurgisnacht, in a direct parallel to homura shooting madoka's soul gem to prevent her from becoming a witch? oh how the turn tables,,,,

ooh! or what if both homura and madoka have to disappear together, but ai (clara doll #15, and our mystery magical girl if that theory holds (which i also think is likely)) lives on as a remnant of the love they shared?? then we could get a manga afterwards thats just a lil story about ai's life as a magical girl too!!

i think i forgot the thesis of this post towards the end there, but thank you for reading!! id love to hear any thoughts you have!! ♡♡ may you always find reason to smile ♡♡

#madoka #pmmm #pmmm4 #pmmm walpurgisnacht no kaiten #walpurgisnacht rising #i found this in my drafts #just some rambles about madohomu #im sorry for the run-on sentence i promise i know grammar; i just dont like to use it sometimes LOL #madoka my absolute beloved #mine

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the-badger-mole · 14 days

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Hi,

Hope you are doing well. I saw some of your How I Met Your Mother posts, and that got me a little intrigued, because I watched that show and was stumped by its ending.

Anyways, I wanted to ask you, also inspired by YouTube videos of the show, do you think having that fixed endpoint was wrong? Because some of the videos make it seem that if the show was to end by season 2, then that made ending made sense, but extending it to nine seasons, it would have been better to change the ending. Also, one other thing I found is that even if Ted did show up outside Robin's house as the end, there is no chance of a happy ending there because they never really got those issues that caused them to break-up to be resolved at all. Just because Ted and Robin's respective goals are achieved does not mean the issues probably won't be there.

I would like your thoughts on this.

Having a fixed endpoint for a story is tricky. I'm not saying it should never be done, but up until the last season or 2 of HIMYM, the writing was so well done, so careful to remember plot threads and foreshadowings and running gags that it set up in earlier episodes. They wrote characters and relationships that felt real, and made the audience care, and yet, they couldn't pull off the ending they'd written almost a decade earlier.

I agree with the take that the ending they wrote could only have worked if the show ended in season 2. And it's their own fault. They did far too good a job showing why Ted and Robin didn't work. Then they did too good a job showing why Robin and Barney DID work. I started wanting to see the two of them end up together from the first season (although, I do maintain that Robin being single would've been a great ending for her, too). The one episode that I think should've clued the writers in that their endgame pair didn't work any more was "Baby Talk". Specifically the talk that Robin has with Ted, where he complains that she didn't make him feel needed during their relationship, and then her conversation with Barney where he tells her she didn't make him feel needed during their relationship, and that was awesome. The reason why Ted and Robin ultimately didn't work isn't just because they had a difference of opinion about having kids, or career plans. They were fundamentally incompatible personality-wise. That's not a failing on either of their parts, but it is irreconcilable. In the end of the show Ted has his kids and they're nearly grown, and Robin has been able to travel for her career, but their personalities haven't changed much. Ted still wants a fairytale ending, and Robin is still fiercely independent and doesn't need him (and btw, she isn't even that old. She'll probably still be traveling, which I doubt Ted will appreciate since it'll still mean either giving up his career and proximity to his kids who seem to still be in high school and will need support through college, or staying home and having a long distance relationship with a woman who is probably meeting a lot of interesting and interested people without him. His jealousy issues could NEVER).

Having a set ending can work. I've written fics where I knew exactly how I wanted them to end, so I know it can work. But i also know that sometimes the plot or the characters can develop in ways that make the ending no longer fit the story, and a writer has to be able to be flexible with that, even if it hurts that you don't get the ending you wanted originally. The creators of HIMYM wrote themselves into a box. When the ending didn't fit the story or the characters, they regressed everyone involved in order to make the story fit the ending, and the result was...bad.

#himym #robin x barney #ted mosby #everyone deserved better #even ted

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williamaltman · 1 month

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Ok, so... I finally finished Room No.9. I have some mixed feelings...

The third route was really sweet. There are so many sweet moments between them. In Daichi's narration. The tasks of hurting Daichi were kind of nervewracking, but not too much really. The way the whole post-enema shower thing turns out makes me, again, sad at how that went on the end B/C route, because it really, really was avoidable...

I won't even talk much about ending E. It just feels like the "wrong/bad" option of the route. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to take that Seiji is really fine and distanced himself like on ending D, or if he got taken out by the people responsable for the study. Anyway, it doesn't really feel "real", even less than endings D or B.

The F ending one... Yay, they got out, they're fine, they're still friends.... They're still friends. Ugh. It's so frustrating to hear Daichi talking about just forgetting everything that happened. Like, yeah, I get wanting to "leave the room behind", but that he straight up says he'll just ignore it? That they didn't learn ANYTHING really? Even after that sex scene? Come on. They even have Seiji saying he doesn't want to get married, and Daichi talking about maybe drifting apart because they would have their own families, as if to hammer home the point that they'll really stay just friends?

Look, I can kind of appreciate the feeling of holding onto your friendship. I do. I managed to appreciate it after the other endings where that is lost. But that should be like, one of the endings. Or maybe, not even that. If it was one or the other, there should've been a romantic ending. There should've been a romantic ending one way or another. Because it's honestly so frustrating that at the end of all that they're still in denial. Or at least Daichi.

Like, again, I get valuing friendship, but Daichi is SO IN LOVE. Like he's so in love it's stupid. I'm sorry but there re SO, SO MANY LINES THAT SHOW THAT!!! Not just the ones where he generally compliments Seiji as in appreciating his good qualities as a person, but like, the ones where he notes how attractive he is. And there are a lot of those, some horny ones but also some that are neither platonic nor sexual, just, romantic. There's no way they really wrote some of those with us not meant to think that.

I guess the writers didn't want for there to be just one ending that was fully great and satisfying above all the others? I don't know. I guess ending C is the romantic one? Sure, whatever...

I don't want to read too much into it but it really does feel like the game is sort of trying to send the message that lust/physical attraction and a true/pure love are inheretly incompatible? Like it's a good thing that they'll only stay friends and never have sex or even kiss again? Like that's the only option because anything else is just a ruined friendship? I really hope that wasn't the creators' intentions.

In the end I guess I can still headcanon that in the F ending they will eventually come to terms with being in love and getting together. Who knows. Maybe I'll write something.

I'm a bit disappointed to end this with such a sour taste in my mind. I, overall, really loved the game. But I'd be lying if I said this (the way the "good ending" goes and no romance issue) doesn't make me really sad. I saw people sort of complaining about it, but I thought it was just gonna be that they didn't outright said they were in love/gonna be in a relationship but that was still implied, you know? That's what that CG in the train looked like to me... Like I saw someone frustrated that they didn't talk about their feelings but I thought it was just gonna be something like "but after everything Seiji and I are even closer" as they held hands implying a romance.

Anyways. Still a great game overall. I love the premise, the characters, the unsettling vibe that we're able to feel, the sweetness in it, all the horniness and guilt and exploration of the human psychology. The art, the voice acting, all the technical aspects. I guess it's really over. I've been finally freed from room no.9. 🫡

#room no.9 #room no. 9 #room no 9 #daichi kobayashi #kobayashi daichi #seiji azumi #azumi seiji #daichi x seiji #daisei #is that their ship name?#i think i've seen it somewhere

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iwanderthroughthesenights · 1 month

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Alright mi gente, we're just a few hours away from the release of TTPD and I have successfully managed to stay away from spoilers and leaks completely.

However, I have potentially hot takes that I haven't said here bc I'm scared of being cancelled but since it's almost release time anyways fuck it imma just say it:

- Everyone expects the album to reveal that Joe Alwyn cheated in some way. The lyrics and hints we have gotten so far all point to that too. However, since before the album was announced, what made the most sense to me timeline-wise is that she was the one who was unfaithful at the end in some way, whether emotional or physical, and most probably through her involvement with Matt Healy. I neither judge nor condone this behaviour, but it makes sense and I will be the opposite of surprised if she reveals that's what happened.

- I never once thought Taylor and Joe would ever break up until it was announced on April 8th 2023. I rooted for them a lot, I wanted her to be happy. HOWEVER I will say Renegade strongly changed my perception of how things were. In 2019 when Lover came out I thought "cute they're on the same page and getting married good for them". When the pandemic happened I assumed that was the reason they hadn't done it, of course they would want to have a celebration with their loved ones. BUT when Renegade came out in 2021, I realized the reason why they'd stopped moving forward wasn't that.

- I knew something was Wrong with them on Eras Tour opening night when he was not there. Even then, I never thought they'd break up.

- I strongly disagree with ppl who say he gaslit and manipulated her and that things were wrong from the start. I think that assumption is profoundly disrrspectful to Taylor and to her art. One of the things I love so much about her songs is the raw humanity and complete emotions they portray. Fucking up, blowing things out of proportion, hurting those who we love the most etc are extremely human experiences present in everyone and every relationship. Most artists don't include those aspects of love and relationships in their personal art but Taylor does and that's what makes her music so real and relatable. Do not descredit that by claiming she was manipulated and gaslit for 6 years and never actually loved. On the contrary, there was SO MUCH love there, so much adoration, that it makes the fact that they couldn't make it work bc of fundamental incompatibilities all the more painful.

Sometimes all the love in the world is not enough to keep two people together.

Love you guys. See you on the other side ✌️

#taylor swift #eras tour #joe alwyn #midnights #matty healy #ttpd #lover #renegade #folklore

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twothpaste · 9 months

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Ok so we know about Claus and Porky...but what about Ness and Porky in your AU? How did that fall apart and where are they standing now? I havent' read too much into the fic...

Intermission Ness & Porky are the same old story, minus the divine intervention. The fallout between these two has always been one of my favorite parts of EarthBound. There's something so raw and relatable about it - I think most folks've can recall experiences with childhood friends that, in retrospect, weren't so nice. Friendships between kids often drift apart over time, or rupture cataclysmically, or crumble under the pressure of something petty. Ness n' Porky were besties from a young age, but come adolescence, there's this sad realization that they're growing into totally incompatible people. Porky started mirroring his parents' behavior, lashing out, taking on all these manipulative tendencies ('cause his needs simply weren't being met). Taking advantage of Ness' naivete & unconditional kindness. Treating him like a plaything instead of a friend. But around 12/13, Ness was finally getting old enough to grasp the difference between lighthearted teasing & outright maliciousness. He came to understand, the hard way, that no amount of goodwill or forgiveness on his part would get his friend to stop hurting his feelings. The downhill from there's not explosive fights with baseball bats, time machines, and alien spider mechs. It's just the ordinary bitter, jealous, festering sort of fallout that real teenagers go through all the time. More under the cut.

I like to imagine they had a really sweet & genuine bond as little kids. Couple of dorky chubby nextdoor neighbors who probably got bullied at school, but found endless fun & solidarity together. From perhaps too young an age, Ness got the jist that Porky's home life wasn't so great, and wanted to provide his best bud with all the fun and safety he could. And ended up bein' kind of glued to him at the hip. Porky felt that Ness was the only person he was allowed be himself around. He could be confident with Ness by his side, and use that confidence to uplift them both. Because they were so close, a little dependent even, the wound is really raw for years to come. Ness feels a weird sense of responsibility for Porky. Like it's somehow his fault he turned out this way, or like it's his job to protect others from him going forward. Porky feels totally abandoned - essentially betrayed - by his dearest friend. Ness used to always put up with his antics, and then suddenly stopped, and poor little ol' Patrick Minch doesn't understand what went wrong (he does) (he just won't admit it was his fault).

There were a bunch of breaking points. Ness befriended Paula in middle school, which drove Porky absolutely feral with jealousy. He still maintains that she "stole" Ness from him, that Ness is an impressionable little ball of dough who got molded against him by his smartass new "girlfriend." There's also, uh. A nonzero amount of transphobia trickling down from Porky's conservative parents. My Ness spent his early childhood a quote-unquote "tomboy," but he proudly declared he was Actually Just A Boy at age twelve. And Patrick had so much internalized nonsense caked into his brain, he couldn't make heads or tails of it without barfing up Aloysius & Lardna's influence. (Which really hurt Ness, coming from his longtime closest confidant.) Porky's folks were breaking out into divorce and mayhem around the same time, while Ness' family seemed perfect as ever. I think some degree of envy was going on there. Porky's growing consciousness of the stability afforded by Ness' happy home life, versus Ness' growing consciousness of Porky's outrageous wealth. Some nasty tweenaged arguments might've flown in both directions, back then.

It broke Ness' heart to forsake Porky, but he bravely did it and stood by it. By the time they hit high school, the two of 'em were thoroughly cut off. Though Porky still made frequent efforts to fuck with Ness, hoping to snag his attention back… Stealing his stuff, threatening him, leaving cryptic notes begging Ness to come find him in isolated locations. It, uh. Never worked. At least never as intended.

The big thing about Intermission Porky is like… in EarthBound, he Phase Distorts away, becomes an immortal thirteen-forever manchild, and artfully dodges all consequences forever. Here, though, he's granted no such luxury. He's literally just some guy. He's forced to grow up, kicking and screaming. Expected to act his age, just like everybody else. And all the while, he's bitterly comparing himself to Ness. Watching his old bestie grow into a happy, likeable, well-adjusted young adult. Ness maintains jobs & internships. Makes new friends everywhere he goes. While Porky drives away everyone he knows, skirts by on his parents' wealth, runs ill-fated crypto schemes 'cause he's too good for (read: genuinely terrified of) any sort of employment. The bitterness is eating him alive from the inside out, and corroding his sense of self worth, but he'd rather die than apologize or ask for help. So he just sits in his rut, secretly mortified by the progression of time & the lonely mundanity of his plight, taking it out on the version of Ness that lives on in his head. The more I think about it, whatever the hell Intermission Porky is going through might just be canon Porky's worst nightmare. Huh.

Ness, on the other hand, has this huge sad sore spot in his psyche where Porky used to be. Because he's such a hopelessly sappy little dude, he still feels all kinds of pity & nostalgia & loss about it. But he's also grown a spine since his youth. Learned his lesson, for sure. He treats Porky with an excessive degree of caution. Avoids interactions at all costs, and encourages others to do the same. He's got this funny thing where he's normally the most laidback guy you'll ever meet - but if Porky comes up, he instantly becomes uncharacteristically jittery and irritable. There's a bit in Intermission (the fic) (the first one) where he stands up for Claus by confronting Porky - it's the only time I've ever written Ness shouting or swearing. All in all, though, he's recovering mostly peacefully. Learning how to move on & let it go. There will probably come a day when Ness is in his thirties and he thinks back on Porky and he realizes, with a contented sigh, that he's more or less over it. (Which is also, probably, one of Porky's worst nightmares.)

Bonus: Here's a snippet from Hatchback. Ness reflecting on his friendship with Porky (they're like 9 or 10 here).

#ask tag #long #thank youuu #intermission au

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yandere-daze · 2 years

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Aaahhh I feel bad sending more ideas because you're so packed with them but I had another one - imagine if darling Did date someone in Enstars, But they're exes now, the ex unit would deffo be batshit insane and obsess over what made you two broke up, even if it's reasonable in normal circumstances... (Ex: breaking up because you two don't mutually connect or are compatible enough, the relationship was too toxic, etc) the others units though, hoooo... Yeesshhhh - diary anon

Oooh this is such a good idea though, very spicy!! Yanderes and break-ups don't match well, huh?

gn reader

tw yandere, obsession, possessiveness, jealousy, implied stalking

What if darling dated someone in the Yandere! Enstars world but broke up with them?

Well, I think your little description was very fitting for this!

When you first agreed to date them, the yandere in question was probably over the moon. They've been yearning for you for so long, always thinking about you and daydreaming about what it would be like to spend every waking moment by your side.

They were trying their hardest to get close to you, to hopefully worm their way into your heart just as you did to them, and then it actually worked out. They couldn't believe it at first, too overwhelmed with happiness, that you were now a couple.

They did it. You're dating. Somehow it all worked out in their favor and they can't believe their luck. Now they can proudly proclaim themselves as being all yours! They want everyone to know that you're dating them and that you're happily taken. These other pesky idols should stay away as far as possible and leave the two of you alone!

The yandere is probably the happiest they have ever been and they're already imagining spending the rest of their life with you, moving in and growing old together, when you approach them one day, an uneasy expression on your face.

Of course they smile as soon as they see you but they can't help but be worried about the frown on your face. Did something happen? Did someone hurt you?? Are you okay???

But instead, you say something completely different. Something they didn't expect and quite honestly never wanted to hear from your mouth.

"I think it would be best if we broke up"

A single sentence, and their heart shattered into tiny pieces. Where did this come from? Weren't you both so happy together? Weren't you having a lot of fun? They enjoyed every single moment they got to spend with you so where did they go so wrong? They don't understand!

They're so taken aback and in despair that none of your words even register anymore as they try to think of *anything* that might have been the cause for this. They don't listen when you explain that you're incompatible, that you need some space from them, that you don't feel like this relationship is healthy for either of you

Did they accidentally say something that upset you? The very thought makes them sad but they'll be sure to apologize if that's the case! No matter what they did, please don't give up on this relationship so easily!

Or maybe the gift they gave you last time wasn't to your liking and you think that they don't actually know what you enjoy? Well that couldn't be further from the truth, they know all about you from secretly watching you for so long!

Or.. did someone else put this silly thought into your head? Did they feed you lies and told you to break up with them so they could sneak by and take you for themselves? Is that it?! No, they won't let anyone else take you away, you two are perfect for each other! They love you so so much, they can't just let it end like this! They need you! They can't live without you!

Please just give them a second chance! They promise they'll make it up to you, they can be good for you! Just don't give up hope and believe in them and your relationship!

And yet, when word gets out that you're single again, your ex isn't the only one that practically goes crazy.

When it was announced that you were now dating someone, everyone else quickly fell into a pit of despair, sadness and anger. They loved you just as much, no, even more so!! They wanted to be with you so desperately but you were deceived and stolen away by someone that was unworthy of being with you!

Of course they had always hoped that the relationship would fail and maybe tried putting some uncertain thoughts into your head that maybe your current partner wasn't a good match for you...

But it actually worked? You broke up with them for good?? Oh, they couldn't be happier! There's a huge amount of relief washing over them, now that they know that there is still a chance. A chance for them to fill the void in your heart and make you fall in love with them.

They too want their happily-ever-after with you and so they will do their absolute utmost to finally win you over! They won't take any chances and let you get swept away again when they know that they're your soulmate!

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toxic-ship-tournament · 1 year

Text

ROUND 1 / SIDE A / POLL 2

Dorian x Beau ( @monoma-neitoblog-blog )vs Deputy Dean Sinclaire x Jacob Seed ( @derelictheretic )

who makes up your ship?:

Dorian x Beau

why does your ship deserve to be considered the most toxic?:

Beau and Dorian were childhood best friends. They've known each other since they were little and they became even closer as they grew up. They dated for a little while, and had an unofficial third in their other best friend, Orias. But Beau moved away to seek better opportunity (because he desperately wants to be famous) and broke up with Dorian before leaving. Fairly healthy so far right? But Dorian is a MESS. He's super reserved and never deals with his emotions, but he just WILL NOT leave Beau alone. It's bad, like every night he calls him and leaves him some heart-wrenching and VERY manipulative voice-mail, he sits there crying all the time, admits he would do ANYTHING to see him again. Beau just ignores him the whole time. Eventually, they're brought back together in a VERY public setting, with Orias there too (who has been watching Dorian crumble this whole time) and they all hook up. Beau wants to keep it hush-hush and not get back together with Dorian but Dorian is so glad to have Beau back. Orias wants to stay with both of them but doesn't do anything about their relationship either. Eventually Beau and Dorian kind of get back together? But it's still a mutually destructive relationship because of their inherently conflicting priorities and incompatible personalities. It's bad Tl;dr Beau left because he wanted to be famous and Dorian won't leave him alone so them and another friend are all brought back together and get back together even though they're all worse off for it.

ship tags/playlists/pinterest boards?:

I don't have any art of all of them together but feel free to contact me and I'll find a way to whip something up!

****

who makes up your ship?:

Deputy Dean Sinclaire x Jacob Seed

why does your ship deserve to be considered the most toxic?:

It all starts with Jacob kidnapping Dean, or having his chosen kidnap him for him technically. You know, how most loving relationships start. Then it goes into Jacob starving Dean for weeks, mentally conditioning him, psychologically torturing him and chipping away at his mental resolve until he breaks and becomes the perfect murder machine; which is when Jacob tricks him into killing one of his closest allies. (Not to mention his initial goal was to make someone deserving of killing him, romance in self destruction via outward force and so on and so forth). After all of this you'd think they hate each other and honestly a part of Dean does hate him but another part of him craves his praise and attention and he knows he's too far gone at this point and the only person who could love a monster is another monster. He's everything he ever feared he'd become and Jacob is the now steady force holding all his broken peices together. Congrats to Jacob for literally making him worse! And congrats to Dean for making Jacob unhealthily obsessed with him and making him feel something for the first time in years! Even if it was possessiveness and a twisted version of love! They beat the shit out of each other on multiple occasions, sometimes before or during sex. They threaten to kill the other's families and almost go through with it a few times. By the end Dean is willing to kill anyone who tries to hurt Jacob and Jacob is willing to do the same, they're tragic, they're toxic, they're the worst, they make everyone uncomfortable and they'll probably die covered in each other's blood. But at least they'll be holding hands <3

ship tags/playlists/pinterest boards?:

Tag: #ship: Only Us Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4GDAKjOCyUKxWqw7acgzgi Pinterest: https://pin.it/2WOuuEp

#monoma-neitoblog-blog #derelictheretic #dorian x beau #deputy dean sinclaire x jacob seed #toxic ship tournament

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majorbaby · 1 year

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ships: hawk/trap/oliver, hawk/bj, obiwan/anakin, troy/abed

i have so much to say lol

hawk/trap/oliver - yessssssssssss

What made you ship it?

specifically that scene that i believe you've giffed of hawkeye and trapper having their actual first fight ever over real estate of oliver's shoulder.

What are your favorite things about the ship?

it's really fucking hot. there are so many configurations about it i love too: oliver and trapper running a train over hawkeye and/or spitroasting him, oliver topping both hawkeye and trapper, oliver topping trapper while hawkeye lies around naked eating grapes and shouting pointers at trapper while he takes it from behind. like every cringe position you find in M/F/F porn but with these three.

Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

oliver is the hottest one of the three and it's not even close.

hawk/bj - also yessss, but with fewer 's's

What made you ship it?

I don't know what the right term to use is but they have.. good negative chemistry? i like to watch them fight. the best beejhawk episodes to me are the ones where they're fighting.

What are your favorite things about the ship?

it's messed up. angst and melancholy potentials off the charts. sometimes i'm in the mood for a bad ending. i'll never be as into that as i am into eventual happy endings, which i don't like for them, but sometimes i need some weird-bad vibes and they are that for me.

Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

all of my opinions are them are unpopular but i guess the big one that feeds all the other ones is that i think they're fundamentally incompatible as romantic partners.

obiwan/anakin - weird one, i appreciate the fanart for it, but they are too squicky for me to engage with in any other way.

Why don’t you ship it?

i don't mind saying it: it's because obiwan is in his mid-20s when he meets anakin as a child. i've seen episode i so many times and i just can't distance myself mentally from that little kid enough to where it isn't weird for me to read about them fucking, especially if it's fluffy or framed positively.

What would have made you like it?

literally if i'd never seen episode 1 i'd be all over obikin. the above reason i have for not being able to ship them is a technicality. the chemistry between hayden christensen and ewan mcgregor is undeniable, their rivalry is compelling, the possibilities for corruption kink are endless. i am annoyed that i'm squicked by them.

Despite not shipping it, do you have anything positive to say about it?

the above answer sums that up pretty well.

troy/abed

What made you ship it?

to me they're the flagship couple on community. their on-screen relationship only 'ends' because donald glover left the show.

What are your favorite things about the ship?

so many great gay moments on the show. "abed, i love you" "i know" - that happens to be one of my favourite episodes of the show for other reasons, but that was a bonus.

Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

aheh... i'm into more toxic explorations of their relationship. to me, it's right there. there are quite a few moments where i perceive abed to be doing things that actively hurt troy. troy's not perfect either, i think his indulgence of abed's every whim could be potentially bad for abed too.

i get why people like a fluffier version of their relationship, but the show has repeatedly dealt with the issue of the group being codependent upon one another and to me troy and abed are an extreme version of that. there's even an episode that deals directly with the fact that they "spend too much time together" but iirc it doesn't actually change much.

i have to say though, that for ~political~ reasons i do want them to have their gay kiss and happily-ever-after because it seems enough people are on board with that that it could actually happen. some may disagree but i think in this case, the value of having two racialized men on a mainstream show that debuted in 2009 get together is more important to me than seeing the aspects of their relationship that i personally find more interesting be made canon. i can read about the bad version of them in a fanfic.

#thank you for the ask! sorry it took so long #re: mash #re: community #re: sw #ask game

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omeleta-omelete · 2 years

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i want your raz and lili psychonauts headcanons. All of the emojis!! or just whichever ones you feel like answering

Thanks for asking! Man, I surely had to think a lot about some headcannons here, and doing so was very laborious for sure... but I finally got it all! 😅 I'm going to split this answer in two separate posts, though, or the text next will be bigger than a person can stand to read! So stay alert to the yet to come next post right after this one! 🎉

Now the ask itself, divided emoji by emoji - Lili first:

🏳️‍🌈 LGBTQIA+ headcannon - I guess Lili definitely will be "a mean bisexual 💅" when she grows up. It just feels right! Haha

💌 Fluffy headcannon - she may have a rough persona, but we can see in Psychonauts 2 that she's actually a very nice girl who just needs some more appreciation for who she is. You know... she's though, but she also enjoys watching cartoons while hugging her favorite teddy bear, or to give pots of meaningful flowers for the people she loves - even though she won't admit any of that.

💔 Angsty headcannon - as most people in the fandom, I headcannon that Lili's parents are divorced... well, Truman definetly has the vibes of a single dad! But I also headcannon that such unfortunate thing happened because both Truman and Lili's mom (who I call Martha) personalities and psy-powers were incompatible. He was calm and weighted, she was hot headed and stubborn. He loved dealing with plants, she was a specialist in pyrokinesis... in other words, Lili and Martha are way too similar. So similar they can't even live together without arguing like crazy🔥. Of course Lili hates seeing someone who looks so much like her, who has the same flaws as her, being so hard to deal with! It makes she feel terrible about herself - after all, what if people hates her not because she's psychic, but because she's almost exactly like her mom?

🧸 Hurt / confort headcannon - I guess that when Lili was little she had lots of trouble when trying to control her psy-powers, specially her Pyrokinesis. But instead of trying to accept her parents' training, she tried to repress it due feeling pressured by the anti psychic prejudice from almost everyone else around her. In such denial, it's unecessary to say that she argued with / accidentally hurt mom, dad, her teacher and classmates an odd amount of times, until she agreed going to Whispering Rock and finally receiving some training. In the end everything ended up well, and not only Lili finally accepted being a psychic, she also started to feel good about it!

🪀 Silly headcannon - I guess I don't really have any silly headcannons for Lili, but I like to imagine two things: first, she's a very ticklish person (and yes, she will beat you if you make her laugh too much). Second, she won't eat any vegetables, no matter what you do or say, specially salads 🥗. You know, Truman definitely explained to her that he grows / harvest the vegetables they eat in a painless way, and that the same process is done in all Psychonauts' builds, but she's way too skeptical to accept it! 🤣

💤 Sleep headcannon - again, I never thought about it before! But Lili does look like the kind of people who sleeps very stiffly! That's why her sheets are always tidy, because she doesn't move a single muscle while sleeping.

✨ A ship I like with this character - Raz. They're cute together, and they surely will develop a very strong psychic connection in the future, despite the many ups and downs they will have as time passes.

🔪 A ship I don't like with this character - Elton! I guess no one really ships them together, but he used to like her even though she didn't give a shit about him. And solely that would be enough to a relationship between them never work, but there's also the fact that their personalities are way to different: he's too soft and deluded to be in a relationship with someone who seems to praise for a more honest way to deal with things.

🎃 Something I think she's afraid of - insects in general. Not because she's actually scared of them, but because they ruin whole crops and parasite perfectly fine plants. She doesn't want any of her dear non-human friends hurt, after all! I also think she's terribily afraid of her powers hurting the people she loves, specially her pyrokinesis - she experienced such situations and /or the consequences of them before, she knows there's nothing beautiful in it.

📦 Overall feelings about her - overall, I love Lili as a character! She's layered, with her both soft and though sides - and she also has that subtle but kinda angsty depth (probably due her experience as a psychic) implied through all games that also make her very interesting.

📢 Favorite thing about her in canon - again, something I never thought about! 😅 But I really enjoy her personality! She has some cool scenes in her account! LOL

🧨 Least favorite about her in canon - it's definitely the fact of how misused her character is! Like, in Psychonauts she has her scenes, and in Psychonauts 2 she has her moment in that level... but she could appear more! Double Fine, why are you depriving me to experience a two players mode in which Lili is player two? WHY?

💬 Favorite line she said - I'm seriously devided between "shut up and kiss me!" and "give back my dad's brain!". Both lines and it's respective scenes are just so good! 😂

🔔 Unpopular opinion - I've seen lot's of people in the fandom portraying Lili as a spoiled brat who mistreats everyone, but really? She doesn't seem like a brat to me! Not when her mistreat is directed just at certain Whispering Rock campers (let's be honest here, some of them are straight up mean without any good reason), never at counselors or agents - actually, most of said mistreat is just and clearly, as shown by her interactions with Raz, a not-so-healthy way to defend herself based on past relationships. Plus, Truman seems to have his head in the right places, so I'm certain that he would make sure Lili grows up as a decent human being.

🔈A song that reminds me of her - I'm pretty sure almost no one here knows what song is this, but I'm not going to chose an American song just to be relatable! 👁️👄👁️ So that's why I chose instead that masterpiece called A Beleza da Rosa🌹! You know, I just guess this exact song is the perfect expression of at least some of her feelings!

Part two will be posted tomorrow, featuring all my Raz headcannons! HURRAY! But for now, I hope I could give you an answer satisfactory enough!

Do you reader have any other Psychonauts related asks for this ask game? Go ahead and ask them all - answering you guys is always a pleasure! ❤️

#psychonauts #psychonauts 2 #lili zanotto #my ask is open #send asks #my ask box is open #remembering that my ask box is always open to new questions #my asks #ask me stuff #ask game #i tried my best with this one lol #part one

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fakeosirian · 1 year

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it's my duty as your house of anubis mutual to ask you about patricia and eddie (for the ship bingo)

BLESS YOU BELOVED MUTUAL if i can rely on anything in this world. it's this <3

FIRST ACTUAL BINGO BABEY (and arguably there are more squares that depending on what i'm doing with them i could say are true that would make at least one more bingo but i reigned myself in a bit LOL)

peddie is so flexible in vibes?? i love that you can take their relationship in multiple different directions and it's still totally legit/within their range because there really is That Much to do with them (depending on the level of tragedy you want to milk out of them/what point in the show you're talking about/how much you want a happy ending for them) while it still feeling like their very specific brand/within their characterization

in my view (and this may be unpopular? idk) the only thing keeping them together by the end of the show is sheer force of will to not let go of their relationship because its just. A Thing They Need To Keep Doing. even if it hurts. literally everything around them (not just the plot tho that is too lol) is a huge neon sign saying BREAK UP PLEASE GOD. now dont get me wrong they absolutely are compatible, but there's so much about them that isn't re: small things that get in the way that become big things, sometimes incidental/situational and sometimes genuine incompatibilities, that they have to put a LOT of effort in to keep from flying apart by default. that's not a diss/not me saying i don't like them together -- tbh two people that are that devoted despite The Agonies is fascinating esp in the context of season 3b -- but more that they're SOOOO flexible narratively/thematically as a dramatic pairing and i love them for it + they are one of the few ships i genuinely enjoy breaking up/getting back together/breaking up/getting back together ad infinitum in my imagination LOL

definitely unpopular opinion is i don't see them working as a long term couple post-show? (or at the very least they break up For Realz/get different partners/maybe get back together later in life but as far as they know at that point they're done) like ok i enjoy the fics ive read + headcanons that keep them together A LOT but in my heart of hearts...my peddie breaks up dramatically, makes up after a lengthy period of Not Talking and causing hijinks and shenanigans for those around them, and then become the type of incredibly close friends you can only be if you have a very overdramatic romantic past LOL like new partners need to be "approved by [patricia/eddie]" "who is that? your sibling? "ew no of course not. it's my ex" "?????"

expanding on that: i don't really have a "preferred ship" to replace them with (i know i have specific non-peddie ships for them lined up in my fic but those are for the circumstances of That Fic specifically and not necessarily my ideal pairings for them) all i know is i like them when they're messy because they're sooooo good when they finally get catharsis (esp when it's not in the way they're expecting as two people who expect the worst from life and preemptively react accordingly, thus reinforcing the bad things they expect more often than not)

the irony of that is i kind of find it tedious sometimes in the actual show when they're being messy and enjoy their functional romance scenes the most but tbh it's mostly because they get stuck in cycles of being the same type of messy ('explainable misunderstanding #9387982734' i'm looking at you. Sorry) the toxicity is at its best when it's Fresh

inherent eroticism of attempted murder being ? is for 3b but the more i think about it the more i wish i had just full-on colored it in because it really is them even when there isn't possession involved actually LMAO

cursed thing i realized: this may be one of the very few totally legit enemies to lovers ships ive actively gotten into and written content for. i'm usually a friends to lovers pining and yearning enjoyer (if that wasn't obvious already) or, if there's antagonism there, prefers rivals to lovers but peddie....peddie hits

anyway closing thoughts they are highly entertaining and of all of the hoa ships i've spent a significant amount of time thinking about/writing for, probably the most versatile/fun to do things with and have the widest range/mileage? not a ship to be comforted with but a ship to challenge me creatively LOL especially since outside of hoa, if i have strong feelings on ships in a given fandom, i tend to get very. rigid and picky with what ships i like/what i don't (ie. i like despite the horrors of Having Conflict in the Narrative for my ships to have happy endings and tend to avoid ones that have fundamental incompatibilities that would most likely result in a breakup) and peddie is what i have to thank for Opening My Mind to that tbh

#thankfullynotaredshirt #answered #tysm!!! coincidentally ive been thinking about them a lot/considering making a post since i've been getting to the point in foyf where #they actually will be breaking up soon (probs not for another few chapters at least but its on the horizon) so this was a good way to do it #that doesnt feel like im trying to discourse or something LOL #hoa

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invisiblerhythmcat · 2 years

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(this thing with my partner is complicated because they are someone that needs a certain amount of support to survive. Up until they moved back to their parents, I was the person doing that, which was mostly cooking meals, but also some general awareness of cleanliness and checking in anything they might need and not think to ask about.

We have another housemate who was supposed to be the person doing that, but, when we moved in together, it became clear very quickly that she was not up for the task and so I ended up doing things basically because no one else could.

Except, I couldn't really either. And I was actually significantly ignoring my needs in order to keep up with theirs. They feel like small needs when I write them out, but considering that it does amount to making sure another human (who i care about deeply) doesn't starve to death, it's a huge responsibility, which was not good for my anxiety and just the act of having to make food for dietary restrictions that are very incompatible with mine left me with no energy to feed myself or to do a lot of the other things I needed to do.

It felt like it had to be fine, because I didn't want them to feel like a burden or force them to go back to living with their parents and because I could technically do it, but it was really rough. But I always told myself that, well, I could still keep a job, and do my teaching, and do the cooking, so obviously i was better off than them and should be supporting them. And they sometimes mention their cousin whose husband left her after a tbi. And I don't think they ever made the connection, but it always feels like a signal to me of "see? don't be That Asshole who leaves because their partner is too disabled" but I was really really not fine, not because they were too disabled, but because I was also disabled.

So now, they had a brain thing and said things that really upset me. And usually, I'm able to forgive them because I know their brain is weird, but it poked at some very deep shit and eroded my trust in them a lot and, honestly, I think I was looking for a reason to lose my cool because I have been hurting myself by prioritizing their needs for so long, even in terms of how we communicate and interact once they moved out and I wasn't responsible for their caretaking, and I haven't known how to talk to them about it (and they also claim they understand that I'm not doing well, etcetcetc, when I tell them, but they're never able to do anything about it, and now I have to doubt them since a lot of what they said was about putting conditions on disability in ways that made me super uncomfortable).

When I responded and explained to them why I was so upset, they had another brain thing and never responded. Which is again, fair, that's their brain. But I don't have any closure on the thing.

At the same time, I'm sure this whole kerfuffle is part of why their brain is so weird, so I'm stuck feeling like That Asshole for having feelings and being upset.

But they still had to leave their parents for various reasons and, so, in the middle of all this, they just moved back in without telling me.

And, on an emotional level, I think it's completely within my right to keep my boundaries and hold my space. And, before any of this blew up, when they mentioned they might need to move back, they promised me that I would have no caretaking responsibilities, their mom would take care of them (which is something I've heard before)

But literally, the only food I see they brought with them was some slices of watermelon and hummus. I don't know what they have with them in their room, but they did just take the protein bars left over from when they moved out six months ago back into their room, so I'm definitely now suspicious.

So, there is a very practical component of this which is that this is still a human being who I love very deeply and I don't want them to die of starvation because they're not able to communicate properly and their mother is lovely, but not necessarily the best long-distance caretaker.

But I also don't want this responsibility. it's one I was never supposed to have in the first place. And it is harmful to me. And I'm so terrified that if I even start trying to deal with that, I'm just going to get sucked into the hole of "well, no one else can do it" again.

But if I don't, who will?

And just, we talk a lot about relationships with disabled people. And disabled people aren't burdens on their partners, or it's ok to be a burden. And I never want my partner to feel guilty for something they can't control, but I am hurting and I need support and caretaking that I'm not getting either, so there is a burden here that neither of us can carry.

And I've been carrying it for both of us anyways, and it's breaking my heart to realize I have to put it down, but also terrifying, because it means I don't know what will happen them, but also just so frustrating that, for all the connections and community support they have, there's still no one else who can make sure they'll have food to eat. Like, this should never have been on me in the first place)

#bleh i don't know #thoughts #i might delete this #i just am so fucking sick of being so tangled up by this #and as much as I need to talk to other disabled people #it's sometimes exhausting because they just make me feel more guilty about this situation #and I can't really talk about it with a lot of people because they tend to lean on the side of blaming my partner #which yes there are certainly some things they have done which SUCK #but I don't want people judging them for the fact that they can't make their own food #that's gross #and then i have to defend them instead of working through my feelings #which is very unhelpful on all sorts of levels #and my therapist is weirdly fascinated by our relationship #like it feels almost voyeuristic #and I don't trust her to talk to her about me being disabled #so I need a new therapist #but in the meantime I really don't have a functional support system #and I hate it #meh

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hearteyes-for-killmonger · 3 years

Text

Part 24: Appearance

Erik shuffled down the aisle of the train car, crutch nudged snuggly into his armpit and a suitcase half his size rolling behind with a heavy looking duffel. No one offered assistance and he didn't ask. As a black man, he could always count on that as a consistency. Crutches and all, he'd be viewed as overly capable. From a young age it was ingrained through experience.. all you have is yourself because no one out here will help you, a young black man. Time had proven it again and again. Injured, he could still handle more weight than the average man and it was because he pushed himself. He relied only on himself. Even hospitalized, he found ways to maintain his strength. Weakness and laziness was never an option, not even for recovery. With all his money, that was still something he couldn't afford. But they could.. the white couple on the left. He couldn't help but notice them sitting there.

A closer look told him they weren't actually a couple. The blonde girl's face screamed underage. Fifteen/sixteen. The heavy makeup she wore aged her. She looked high. Heroin, Erik guessed glancing subtly for track marks. She looked up and he glanced away to a Spanish speaking family with five kids including a crying baby. He bit his lip on his way to take his seat at the rear where he could see everyone. The man in front of him was on his way to sleep. Erik put in his earbuds and continued his watch.

As the hours passed, he noticed more and more. The kids had no home training. The parents had no sense of awareness considering they sat opposite a fifteen year old girl being held against her will. It could easily be one of their kids, with them not paying attention it wouldn't take much. The baby had the healthiest lungs of any baby he'd ever heard. That blonde girl was high as hell. She got up to use the bathroom on his side of the train and he kept his eyes down as she passed with her trafficker on her ass to make sure she ain't try nothing risky. Ain't none of my black ass business, Erik told himself. He hadn't signed up to save any little blonde girls. He kept his eyes down as they passed him again to return to their seats and she dropped a tiny earring on the floor next to his foot on purpose. Damn, he groaned dropping his head on the back of the seat. Why me? I just said I ain't wanna get involved in this shit.

Taking a deep sigh, he picked up the earring and did what made sense. He googled the train police department and texted in a report using his sub contact phone, the main phone. He gave a description of the couple and information regarding the train. You're welcome, he thought watching the back of the girl's head before settling back in his seat comfortably. Any other time he'd have ignored her, not that victims often reached out to him so clearly. Still, it was an unnecessary risk calling on police. What if they decided to search the train? The whole point of taking the train was to not be searched.

Y/N would be proud right now, his lip twisted in irritation. She'd become the true north of his moral compass. What would Y/N do in the situation? The thought made him nauseous. She wouldn't survive his lifestyle. He wouldn't survive it with her morals. This is dangerous. We are completely incompatible, but I still want you, he admitted to himself. It was more like need. Obsession even. There was a burning feeling in his gut. "This shit ain't healthy," he muttered.

-----

"Wow, may I..," Tanner's fingers hover in the air, his eyes on your fresh braids. Your eyebrows answer before you can and he lowers his hand with a smile. "Those braids are really something. Would it be offensive if I asked how they're attached?" He looks so fascinated. He's been staring and talking to the top of your head since he saw you this morning in the lobby and now he's staring just as hard from across the small booth table at Pho Station.

"You just buy braiding hair and braid it into your hair. That's literally it."

"Braiding hair.. what's that?" His head rests on his hand as his elbow sits on the table. He's so curious, staring dreamily.

"It's packs of hair you get at the store specifically for braided styles." You slurp in a spoonful of long noodles.

"Is it human hair?"

"Synthetic." It comes out muffled as you break off the noodles hanging from your mouth with a chopstick so you can swallow.

"Synthetic? What's the difference..," his blue eyes drift lazily down to your nearly black ones. "Well, I mean in how they look."

"Human hair is typically Malaysian or Brazillian, something like that. You can straighten or curl it because it's actual hair. Synthetic fibers can melt but it's inexpensive and can mimic hair textures well."

"Well it's beautiful," he nods. "I've always wondered about it. Does it hurt?"

"Mm-mm," you grumble slurping the broth of your chicken pho. "No these are knotless and they don't hurt." That confuses him so you get into the difference between regular box braids and knotless. "You can't even sleep when you first get regular box braids because it's so tight that's why I don't wear them."

"Yes.. don't wear them if they hurt. Don't wanna pull out all that beautiful hair.." His eyes hold a familiar twinkle. The way he stares.. it reminds you of Erik. You don't wanna think about the meaning of it.

"Damn right.. Hey your pho's gonna get cold."

"Oh," his brows raise in faux offense. He picks up his soup spoon looking away for the first time. It's about time. "Well these.. knotless braids," he gestures with the spoon, "They look amazing on you," he smirks. "But you're already gorgeous, you know that."

"This from a Gene Kelly/James Dean lookalike. You look like you belong in a Marvel movie. That dark hair.. chiseled jaw? And who do you get those eyes from?"

"My grandma. My mom's eyes are carmel brown and so are my sister's. My father's are a darker brown."

"Punnet square kicked in hard."

"So tell me where your features come from," his eyes twinkle, hands folded under his strong chin. Your heart nearly skips a beat. It took a while for you to admit it to yourself because you'd have to admit you were lowkey using him.. but you knew what he was doing and how he felt from the start. That look was infatuation.

Opening doors, calling on me, paying for lunch every time, bringing me coffee? It's a lot.. Well that's because he likes me.. No It could be friendly, doesn't mean he likes me.

Almost everyday you told yourself the same thing.

I don't want him as anything more than a friend, maybe a work husband now that I know he's a cool lil white boy. I think he knows that..

Not when you flirt back he doesn't know that..

But is it really flirting or being nice? Besides I think he might feel the same.

A look into his eyes slams that possibility.

Who am I kidding. Maybe it's wrong to let him pay. Is that selfish?..

Girl, you're not dumb you know exactly what you're doing..

No, but really, I enjoy his company. I look forward to our little lunch outings as much as he does..

Then pay for yourself!..

I KNOW, but I don't.. want to...

Blinking, you sigh clearing your guilty conscience. "I look exactly like my dad but my personality is my mom."

"Oh really. That's where you get those adorably chubby cheeks from? Your dad? Interesting family photos I bet."

"Believe it or not that's also where I get this tummy and all this ass from," I say straight faced watching his cheeks sink in. On that note, he buries himself in his pho and I watch him hold himself together, the both of us laughing on the inside.

"You're ridiculous," he smiles down at his bowl. "What will I ever do with you.."

"Hopefully keep feeding me."

"Of course, Barb told me about a BBQ place about fifteen minutes from here. How about tomorrow?"

"Then I can show you pictures of my bootylicious father," you stare watching him collect himself again.

"Wow," he chokes on his broth. "Or we can look at yours, completely up to you."

-----

Never had it felt so good to be coming or going. Erik wheeled his bags through the station coolly, but internally he was leaping for joy like a little kid. After touching down in every continent through the military as a soldier and then a mercenary soldier, he was used to traveling. New locations, customs, and languages were the norm. War, battle, and toppling small countries for their resources and political control was the norm. It wasn't right, but it made big money and when his service ended, he retired. However, that didn't change the fact that he was still a multilingual and adaptable war weapon with no other real skill or interest other than killing. He was good at it so he made it a business. A consultant was what he called himself. Gameplay and development was the front.

Life as an assassin made him his own boss. He could kill and go off the map at will. He'd travel as far as it took to complete the task and take cash or cryptocurrency which he'd translate into several offshore accounts before his domestic ones. He'd usually buy a throwaway car, restock his ammo, spend time sunbathing on a yacht in the Maldives, hunker down in a city where he blended in and then isolate for a month wallowing in a small room before his next kill. Sightseeing wasn't on his agenda. He'd been all over the world and seen the worst of human nature. Texas had been a first as far as experiencing the high points anywhere. He'd enjoyed his stay with a woman and they'd gone on dates, real dates. He'd gone to an amusement park of all places and taken her around the city. It was magical though he'd almost been killed for it. Texas.. Not Cartagena or Havana or Jaipur but country ass Texas. Now here he was finally back in Cali. Nothing came close to the joy of having someone waiting for him. Someone who'd be overjoyed to see him. His job was done, his leg was healing up nicely, no one was after him because he'd left no one alive that could easily identify him. He was on his way home.

Home, he smiled somewhat bitterly. More like playing house.. Ain't none of this shit real and eventually it will end, probably in disaster.

Still.. He couldn't drop the facade for it was filling a hole within him that he hadn't realized until recently could be filled. He had latent desires. Playing house with her was the closest to a home he'd ever get.

-----

Erik's car takes premium gas and you wonder about his bills. Is he paying them? 'Cause you're not. He'd better have it worked out because once the lights go out in this isolated grand establishment, you're gone. You've gotten too used to walking around with every bright light in the house on at night. Walking through the bathroom butt naked you light the very last of his pricey looking black label white candles having burned through the rest of his supply. This one's Leather scented, not the best but not bad. That's why it was last. Locking the bathroom door out of habit, you run the shower and enjoy the luxurious spa room you've become accustomed to. The water pressure still hits. The warm thick white towels are fresh from the dryer. Your body is hairless from shaving and you've just purchased a new body oil to try that Ava swears by. Though you're only going to bed, you can't resist it. It smells like like fresh baked cookies from the oven and makes your skin radiate golden. It's perfect for a pool party or the beach.. whenever you end up going again which may be a while. Taking a few suggestive shiny body selfies in the towel, you decide to go ahead and send them to Erik though he doesn't deserve them. Someone has to see your glass skin. You hadn't spoken to him in the last two days as he'd been "busy". Doing what, you had no clue. It felt like bullshit. All of it. It was maddening to the point that you didn't want to care anymore, whether he returned or stayed. He'd been gone too long. Waaay too long. His reasons for wanting you out of Texas were beginning to feel like lies.

There's probably a huge harem of harlot whores he's entertaining and he doesn't want me to know he lied about only having three submissives, the asshole. He's probably in some twisted unsanitary orgy in a dark and questionable dungeon drinking glowing lime jello shooters and getting blackout drunk right now.. Probably whipping some poor girl with one of those long cowboy whips. God knows what he does with his other subs. If he was that dirty with Lil Bitch's morally debased ass and that was in front of me...

Every now and again the thought would cross your mind. Fuck him, you thought. Stay gone. I'll keep living here alone in the lap of luxury.

Never before had you been in a hot tub so often. It did wonders for a post work unwind with a smoothie or herbal tea in hand. You didn't need him when you had wifi, cable, powerful A/C, and a full fridge. He could stay with whoever he was with.

But what if he doesn't come back, your mind wonders darkly. What if he stays in Texas and never comes back?

Suddenly the house seems a lot chillier and unwelcoming.. Empty even. Too quiet. Hugging yourself for comfort you wander through the house and turn each of the lights off one by one to get an idea once more just how dark it gets. Too dark. Pitch black. You can't even see a hand in front of your face and panic sets in along with a strong inner body chill. This isn't something you can do and if Erik never comes back...

Honestly you've never seriously considered that possibility. The thought brings a loneliness that echoes the depth of darkness, both equally terrifying. The fact is that you do care.. profoundly to the point that his continued absence really bothers you. He has already become an indestructible pillar in your everyday life. Going days without so much as a hello feels like a week and that doesn't do much good for your anxiety.

Flipping each of the lights back on, you settle into Erik's bed this time around and stare at the time until you doze off. When you open your eyes there's natural light coming in through the window and you take a grateful breath before sitting up in the bed.

"Good morning," a chilling voice interjects and you nearly have a heart attack, unable to scream in the face of Flu sitting on the edge of the bed watching you. You want to run, scream, fight, anything but your body which is frozen in absolute fear and shock will not move. He smiles and you dart upright in bed sweating cold bullets and panting. Outside is still dark. According to the clock you've been sleep three and a half hours. It's 3:30 AM. Taking a deep breath to calm your breathing you look around the room comforting yourself with the mantra "It's just a dream. You're okay. You're okay. There's nothing to worry about. You've been safe and you're still safe. You're completely safe." A few minutes of repeating it and looking around, listening closely to the air has you relaxed enough to fall back asleep especially since your eyes are crossing up. When your eyes open again you check the clock. It's been almost another hour but you keep waking up.

Hold up. Didn't I have the light on?

Thinking back, your half sleep mind isn't completely sure but you know you sleep with the lights on. Nervous to move, your wide eyes search the pitch blackness before you and when you get the courage to move, you turn over bracing yourself to see Flu sitting there beside you on the bed. Nothing's there or out of the ordinary.

Did the lights go out? Did it blow? I think I had it on...

It's not getting up to explore. That's how people fir in movies. Instead, you bury your head in the covers like a small child and slip back into sleep. Or at least almost. Before you can cover your eyes with the blanket, you hear something that sounds like a slight vibration. That would be normal.. if your phone wasn't all the way downstairs.

A hand clamps over your mouth and as you feel a body quickly cover yours you grab at the darkness in attempt to gouge, scratch, and scrape whatever you can reach. When you pull locs, your brain registers and you yank them hard to get a noise.

"AHH," he whisper screams.

"ERIK WHAT THE FUCK?!" This time your lungs are free and healthy because you yell directly in his ear, slapping at him. "YOU ALMOST GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK." Breathless, you try to catch it, still swinging. "Why would you do that! What the fuck is wrong with you!"

"I wanted to surprise you," he grips your hands. "I didn't think you'd try to rip my damn hair out! And why your nails so sharp!"

"Are you mentally deficient? In what world did that seem like a good idea to you?!"

"Catch your breath," he says quietly.

Getting up he flips the lights and sits on the bed beside you. You haven't seen him in what feels like ages. "You still having nightmares." It's not a question as he looks in your tired eyes.

"Not often, just a couple of times since I've been on my own here." You didn't really have them when you two were together. He nods understanding your meaning. You hadn't mentioned it on the phone or through text. What could he have done about it anyway? There's a moment of silence as he rests his hand over your blanketed leg.

"I'm sorry for being away so long..," he says quietly. "I mean it. I'm sorry for scaring you.. I honestly didn't consider the nightmares because when we were together you didn't have them. I promise you, you are safe. He can't hurt you. There are many things in this world that can, but I promise he's not one.. and as long as I'm here I won't let anyone touch you. I will protect you with my life."

"That's good and all," you sigh, half listening and half asleep already. "But can you just.. stay here with me until I fall asleep."

"You in my bed," he smiles climbing fully dressed under the blanket to scoop you into his arms. Instantly your body clings to his and his shirt becomes your new pillow. You feel the quick sensation of his lips on your temple. "Did you miss me," he whispers. You mean to respond, but instead you fade out asleep.

-----

As soon as he'd slipped into the bed, she was knocked, sleeping soundly and breathing loud. He stroked her braids, her arm, and her back gently but firmly the way he always had when she needed help to relax.

"I missed you," he whispered into her forehead. She responded with a small fart and his nose crinkled. He didn't smell it which meant it was trapped under the blanket. She did it once more just then but it was louder. She'd be horrified if she were awake. "Y/N," he groaned hoping he wouldn't smell it. He didn't dare move though. He only sighed and continued rubbing her back. "Stink," he nicknamed her on the spot. "My lil stink stink," his stomach jumped in humor thinking of her reaction in the morning. He wanted to see the expression on her face when he called her that and when she heard the explanation of why. It made his chest shake. He tried to control it so not to wake her. She was sleeping too good for him to even get up and take his outside clothes off and they were hot to sleep in. He wanted to get comfortable.

That's okay, he decided as he settled in to fall asleep exactly where he was, under her. It took some effort to get comfortable in that position but in that moment there was no other place he'd have rather been.

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