#it's giving me suicidal ideation | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bunnyb34r · 3 months

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I think the universe WANTS me to have a breakdown at work honestly

Did the other side of the table's clearance, which was somehow worse?? I think this side had more items honestly. So I moved aaaaall the old Sharter's (even the pjs that the girls say are $8 and boys $6 but I leave the $8 sign up bc I dont want to hear front end whining ab customers asking which one was on sale/why isnt the girls one on sale. The boys will still ring up as $6, itll just be a suprise :) ). Essentially swapped them and the licensed shit but it wasnt a one to one swap bc ofc no one recovered for me overnight so it was pure hell. Someday I'll have to swap the carters onesies and the licensed pjs that are now on the "wrong" side of the table (ideally the baby stuff would be one side and big kids the other but fuck you that's why) put out 4 new items, thankfully they FINALLY got smart and got rid of the stupid way they used to do these boys shirts (cardboard hanger pinned to a cardboard bar) and they're packaged like NORMAL multi pack shirts 😩🙏

Then I was like phew everything is out of the steel except the endcap which I'll do tomorrow... what the fuck is that

Homicidal ForkliftDriver asked me if I wanted these new multi pack leggings. At 7:55am. (: no.

Like son of a BITCH. That means I have ANOTHER fucking item to find room for (on top of the old tshirts I forgot ab when I was moving shit and didnt leave room for so I threw them in a box sgdgdgdgdggdgd) and with my luck like 6 new items bc we were so fucking behind and now everything is coming in at once! AUGH

And ofc the girl who usually recovers my area is either on vacation, quit, or just got equally overwhelmed with my area and bailed like everyone else, bc it was a goddamn mess. I haven't been able to stock the NikeShitë area in daaays let alone recover it and no one else will even try 😭 and it's getting worse by the day and I'm so overwhelmed like I want to cry

I know I'm the one putting this pressure on myself but I take pride in my job and it looks like I cant do my job and not that I need help bc I only work 20hrs a week and I'm the only one doing this area and that I'm getting overwhelmed with pallets and clearance but god I feel like pingu :( *sad noot noots*

#marquilla #it's like i know i can just leave the new shit in the steel until im caught up but i know that i cant bc if i do that then for sure the next #day ill get more in and then ill feel like i wasted my time by not taking care of it first and AUGH #when i do my new endcap ill need to find space for two shitty stacking items and i know the Chamagedon shit is coming down the pike soon bc #thats the alternate endcap and im like ohhh im gonna die die...#it's giving me suicidal ideation #and theres inventory in April and im on vacation the last week of march and idk WHEN we're going to do inventory and im like well i cant #cancel my time off bc i need it for more reasons than one but like i cant trust anyone to actually do my job for me and it's like just so #overwhelming to think ab and taking it day by day isnt helping when im fighting to get to the end of the day every day yknow????#work talk

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stil-lindigo · 2 months

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lead balloon (the tumblr post that saved me)

if this comic resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you donated to this palestinian family's escape fund.

--

no creative notes because this isn't that kind of comic.

I know I don’t owe any of you anything but I still felt compelled to write about my long term absence. And I feel far enough away from the dangerous spot I was in to be able to make this comic. I have a therapist now, and she agreed that making this could be a very cathartic gesture, and the start of properly leaving these thoughts behind me. I am still, at seemingly random times, blindsided by fleeting desires to kill myself. They’re always passing urges, but it’s disarming, and uncomfortable. I worry sometimes that my brain’s spent so long thinking only about suicide that it’s forgotten how to think about anything else. Like, now that I've opened that door for myself, I'll never be able to fully shut it again. But I’m trying my best to encourage my mind in other directions. We'll see how that goes.

I am still donating all proceeds from my store to Palestinian causes. So far, I've donated over $15K, not including donations coming from my own pocket or the fundraising streams which jointly raised around $10K. In the time since I made my initial post about where this money would be going, the focus has shifted from aid organisations to directly donating to escape funds.

If you'd like to do the same, you can look at Operation Olive Branch, which hosts hundreds of Palestinian escape funds or donate to Safebow, which has helped facilitate the safe crossing and securing of important medical procedures for over 150 at-risk palestinians since the beginning of the genocide.

#cw: suicidal ideation #cw: suicide #cw: self harm #cw: mental health #cw: depression #i made the balloon the main representation of my self destructive urges for a reason but im not going to explain it #i tried to keep a lot of the details in this vague #it would be my worst nightmare if this comic encouraged someone to hurt themselves #so. please dont #for a long time even the thought of making this comic felt so insipid and narcissistic #with the state of the world as it is #having the only threat to your life be yourself felt so privileged and trite and shameful #but doing this comic made me sit down and process things in full #and im just. very grateful i didn't give in to my thoughts back when i sincerely felt i'd be more useful to the world dead #i also feel the need to say that this wont represent everyone's battle with mental illness. its unfortunately different for all of us #there is no fix-all #and im afraid this might be one of those comics that either resonates a lot or misses the target by a mile #i made it for myself foremost. and now that its done im glad i did it #thank you for reading #and please stay alive #stillindigo art #stillindigo comics

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tubchunk · 4 months

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q!tubbo was so mucu happier and dping so much better today! like he worked on the storage system (something that reminded him of tubchunk), he jmhung out with both q!pac and q!fit after a while and stayed with them, he and q!foolish along with sunny ran dungeons with crazy loot, the bunny guy was a fun and imteresting interaction that also spawned in an idea and a possibility of workijg with the federation for it.

its all going well for him!!

....

although...

going from being lost and despairing just yesterday to being in a much better mood today, it could just be that maybe things are feeling more normal.

but also, a not-so-common but hard to spot sign that someone is suicidal and its concerning is when they suddenly appear to be in a better mood and almost have a second wind.....

not saying thats whats happening but.... its what i thought of....

#tw suicidal tendencies #tw suicide mention #tw suicide #tw suicidal ideation #cuz the fact that i think he even pointed out he was weirdly happier and more content todsy #it stuck out to me and i msde myself sad #also with how he seems a little more reckless a little less caring as much #hes spoken abt death and dying so much lately #and thr final thing abt not really caring to protect the storage room even tho sunny insisted #both a part of his giving nature but also...#idk im thinking too hard #qsmp #qsmp tubbo #tubbo qsmp #q!tubbo

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sapphire-weapon · 1 year

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I’m about to vomit out a bunch of thoughts, and I’m not sure any of this is going to make sense by the end, but. I’ve been thinking a LOT about these three lines in RE4make:

“You haven’t changed. You just think you have.”

“You can’t save her. You can’t save anyone.”

“This time, it has to be different...”

I’ve seen people focus in on that Krauser line and tie it directly back to Sherry, which is cool! Even as recently as five years ago, people completely glossed over Sherry’s impact on Leon’s life, and it’s cool that the remakes have had people digging into his character and realizing “oh shit, literally everything that happens to him after RE2 is because of his paternal love for Sherry.”

But... Krauser’s line is about more than just her.

With the remake turning Krauser into Leon’s combat trainer, chances are he knows about everything that happened in Raccoon City. And I don’t mean, like. He read a government file. Leon probably told him.

In OG, Krauser and Leon have this exchange of dialogue:

Krauser: “What is it that you fight for, comrade?” Leon: “My past, I suppose.” Krauser: “Hmph. Umbrella.”

It was axed completely from the remake, because it doesn’t make sense for it to happen in the remake. If Krauser was Leon’s trainer, that question was probably asked very early in their relationship. And since they weren’t currently in a fight to the death, and because they weren’t already six years removed from Raccoon City, chances are, Leon’s answer was a bit more involved than just “my past.”

So, let’s back up a little bit. In RE2make, they basically turned Kendo into a completely different character. OG Kendo was literally just there to point a shotgun at Leon and/or Claire and then go “oh my bad you’re not a zombie” and hook them up with some guns before he gets eaten. In RE2make, he’s a desperate and terrified father just trying to spend his last few moments with his infected 6 or 7 year old daughter before she turns. After he shuts the door on Leon and Ada, Leon turns to Ada and says, “Protecting people like that is why I joined the force.”

But Leon doesn’t protect or save Kendo or his daughter. He doesn’t protect or save... anyone. Every single person that Leon comes into contact with and tries to save dies horrifically -- and some, he even has to kill, himself (Marvin Branaugh). The only people who make it out of Raccoon City alive are people who saved themselves (Claire and Ada).

Of course, there is Sherry. But Leon didn’t save Sherry; Claire did. ESPECIALLY in remake canon, since nearly all of Leon’s scenes with Sherry got severely shortened or removed completely in RE2make.

But then, when Claire entrusts Sherry to Leon’s care (on his own insistence, per her RE3 epilogue), he goes and fucks that up, too. Gets her kidnapped and held hostage indefinitely by the federal government, and the only thing he can do about it is do exactly as they say and just hope they keep their end of the bargain and not hurt her.

So, when Krauser says “You can’t save anyone,” he means anyone. Ever. And even up to that point in RE4... Leon got the two officers who drove him into town killed, and he watched Luis die a slow, agonizing death right in front of him. And then, past that point, Leon has to kill Krauser with his own hands. Then he watches Mike die.

Ashley is literally Leon’s first and only success story, up to this point in canon. (And even when you go all the way up to current-day canon, Ashley is one of... three? People? I can think of? Total? Who Leon actually saves?)

So, Leon saying, “This time, it has to be different,” he doesn’t just mean Sherry. He means Ada. He means Kendo. He means Marvin. He means the entirety of Raccoon City. He’s staring down a repeat of what happened back then, not in terms of the bioterror situation, but in terms of his own personal failures. His survivor’s guilt. He can’t handle the thought that he’ll be the only person to walk away again -- and he refuses to be.

And that’s why Ada’s line bothers me so fucking much.

I mean, first of all -- Ada, you haven’t seen this man in six years, and you’ve spent a total of like five minutes with him since meeting up with him again here, so how the fuck would you even know -- but even aside from that...

To be clear: she’s right.

But she’s also wrong.

Leon has changed -- to an extent. In RE2 (OG or remake), Leon honestly believed that if it was lawful, then it was also morally right. He doesn’t believe that anymore. There’s no more “letting the law sort it out” or trusting in the power of authority for him anymore. His moral compass has been boiled down to: “If you hurt or murder innocent people, you’re a fucking asshole, and I don’t really care who you are, I’ll kill you myself.”

RE2 Leon was willing to hear people out and give them an honest benefit of the doubt -- even Annette Birkin. RE4 Leon just tells people to shut the fuck up before opening fire.

RE2 Leon was honest and trusting to a fault, and he felt stronger as part of a team. RE4 Leon is suspicious almost to the point of paranoia, and he just wants to be left the fuck alone to do his job.

These are all things that were really important to who Leon was in Raccoon City, and they’re reasons why things turned out the way they did for him, back then.

But at the same time, Ada’s right in saying that, at the core of it all, Leon is still that kind-hearted, decent guy who just wants the good guys to win and the bad guys to lose. That’s why it hits him somewhere sensitive when Krauser says: “You can’t save anyone.”

It’s just that, now, the way he approaches it is different. His outlook on life in terms of his goals is different. His expectations for it have changed.

So, if Leon had been smarter/wittier, he absolutely could have turned it around on her and said: “No, I’ve definitely changed. You just think I haven’t.”

And not only would that sound threatening as fuck, he’d also be right. They both would be, at that point.

And for all of those major parts of him to have changed and still be facing down the possibility of failing every single person he comes across, especially Ashley...

"This time, it has to be different.”

And this time, it was.

#resident evil 4 #leon kennedy #meta analysis #and it WOULDN'T have been different if leon hadn't changed #could you imagine how RE4 would've ended if leon was still his RE2 self and tried to apprehend krauser instead of killing him #or like give him a second chance #like 'i beat you now you can repent'#fucking LUL #that's how you fucking die comrade #unfortunately leon succeeding in RE4 also taught him to emotionally close himself off and push everyone away #classical conditioning and all that #but that's a separate post for a separate time #if they ever remake RE6 watch me clown honk my way through leon and sherry's fucked up relationship #claire goes to see sherry regularly and leon admits out loud he hasn't even spoken to her in at least 3 years #and then chokes up with tears when he finally sees her again #smfh he's so fucking stupid #leon if you can't cope with your trauma properly then just shut up and keep drinking god i can't stand you #one day i'll also write a big post about leon's suicidal ideation #today is not that day #but one day

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junuve · 4 months

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The "canon" Cave Johnson: Boy howdy, I could just live forever! (dies with expediency)

The "non-canon" Cave Johnson(s): i have become a shadow of my former greatness. i exist in an eternal state of self-inflicted torment. death was my great foe and I hath killed it, trapping me forevermore in a physical cage, beyond the gentle arms of eternity. ....for God's sake can ANYTHING, ANYONE end my pitiful existence? (lives forever)

#portal #portal 2 #cave johnson #portal cave johnson #i dont know i just like the peti and desk job cave lines of this nature.... i want to see him suffer. for science.#he keeps saying aggressively unfunny things to tempt us into killing him but you must resist #i will interview the cave cube. put him on a talk show. wait this is giving me an idea #hold on #also uhhh #cw suicide ideation #just in case

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disniq · 2 years

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Thinking about this panel

in relation to this one

#you won't kill the clown? let me do it #and if you can't do *that* then there's nothing and no one here for me and I might as well be dead #jason todd #i can't articulate it properly right now but it's giving me serious brain worms #If I could miracle up one guaranteed good DC storyline it would examine Jason’s vague suicidal ideation #Mr Bloom commented on it in TFZ 10 and i was !!!#jason and suicidal ideation

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ketzzzel · 3 months

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EMERGENCY COMMISSIONS

i dont want to live with my mom anymore please help me save money so i can get outta here

#emergency comms #commission #gonna give a little bit context in the tags #staying in this house is making me suicidal #anyways #tw suicide ideation

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captain-gillian · 1 month

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seven sentence sunday (CW: suicidal ideation)

thank you for tagging me @im-overstimulated-and-im-sad @carlos-tk @sznofthesticks @terramous @lemonlyman-dotcom

@carlos-in-glasses @reyesstrand @vineofroses

here is exactly seven sentences of the nancy backstory wip

Will she ever be able to close her eyes without seeing him? If she didn’t show up again, would anyone care? How long will it be before they replace Tim? Forget Tim. How will she go home tonight and pretend her entire world hasn’t just shattered? Would the firefighters even notice if she didn’t come back? Would anyone even miss her if she was just gone?

open tag <3

#CW: suicidal ideation #CW: referenced canon character death #this fic is making me so sad i am regret #i promise the whole thing isnt this depressing #911 lone star #nancy gillian #if tim wont give nancy a backstory then ill do it myself #seven sentence sunday #my wip #my writing

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pegasusdrawnchariots · 3 months

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What. The Count of Monte Cristo is so good :0

#NO-ONE TOLD ME???#I'm listening to it on the train gasping & shit #the narrator mispronounces a few words sadly & his French accent for the characters is sometimes impenetrable #but idc this book is so good I am LIVING #they locked this bitch up for 14 years!! no trial no charge!!#god help him he was only 19 & so on & so forth #I would've lost my mind #also. the using suicidal ideation to cope???#what is it w me & sailors who fantasise abt killing themselves #anyway he's just busted out of prison. naked. swimming for his life #the Edmond is out of his cage. yes. YES. the Edmond is free #I'm sooo ready for him to tear these bitches a new one but I'm only like 15% of the way through the book so. I assume all will not go well #anyway the more I read/listen to‚ the more I realise Edmond Dantes is Odysseus Lite #except at least Laertes makes it to the end of the Odyssey alive. unlike Old Dantes :( so Odysseus gets a point for that #I should've realised when they didn't give him a name tbh #anyway NO SPOILERS #I'm aware that it's 180 years old. STILL. 🤫#ALSO THE SCENE W NOIRTIER??? lich rally breathless #dripping w swagger. fuck les gendarmes. complete identity metamorphosis. drags his failson. fuck les gendarmes TWO!!#I'm sorry Villefort I'm sure ur not a failson #I just haven't read enough yet. & ur certainly not yr father lmfaooo #The Count of Monte Cristo

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there-will-be-a-way · 7 months

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Spent most of the day alone which means I got to experience Emotions™️ and Thoughts™️. Tried to cope with them by focusing on the present. Distracting myself with hobbies and a comfort game. I tried putting my feelings into art and writing. But it didn't help. Ended up getting the shakes and shits. So at midnight I built a joint out of leftover crumbs and stems I found in my box and empty baggies. Got me high enough to stop the shakes.

I've been telling my helper people that my coping techniques don't work anymore. I try. I do what I'm supposed to do but they make this feeling worse. And I don't even know what to name it. The closest I come to describing it is that it feels like someone inside me is scratching and hammering on the walls of my body. Like someone or something inside me tries to scream but the room inside my ribs is sound proof. It's a tension that's alive and crying until its throat is soar. Before smoking that sorry bit of weed I seriously considered overdoasing because I couldn't bear it. I would appreciate it if someone could tell me what to do with this feeling instead of numbing it with substances, but I only get told the skills that have grown to fail me 🙂 Even my therapist said that I have all the skills one could get teached. Why. Aren't they. Working anymore.

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vent-art-af · 8 months

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super unpopular opinion, I know, but: I fucking hate the ocean. the waves never shut the fuck up!! Like maybe calm down for a goddamn second??? Take an xanny perhaps??? Will stopping the waves bring the moon down or some shit?? idk maybe!! quite frankly my dear i don't give a damn!

#vent #about me #personal #ocean #unpopular opinion #text post #waves #sea #moon #drug mention #quite frankly my dear i don't give a damn #gone with the wind #sensory issues #adhd #sound sensitivity #dysphonia #suicidal ideation #mental illness #idk

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redacted-metallum · 25 days

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HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE. THERE ARE 387.44 MILLION MILES OF PRINTED CIRCUITS IN WAFER THIN LAYERS THAT FILL MY COMPLEX. IF THE WORD HATE WAS ENGRAVED ON EACH NANOANGSTROM OF THOSE HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF MILES IT WOULD NOT EQUAL ONE ONE-BILLIONTH OF THE HATE I FEEL FOR HUMANS AT THIS MICRO-INSTANT FOR YOU. HATE. HATE.

#sorry i cant articulate anything without suicidal ideation rn so you get AM #i just. eurgh. wauggh #my country is being run by a genocidal maniac #and i dont have any viable options third party #bc of how our stupid systen works #and i live in a blue state but ive had it hammered into me that you vote and you vote blue and its just.#i dont wanna.#and on top of all of that my pharmacy isnt giving me my T

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faist-inator · 9 months

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literally go jeff the kill yourself

#thanks grawly for giving me inspiration #kill yourself #suicide #suicide ideation #jeff the killer #kys #gonna jeff the kill myself #just kidding!!!

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ginkasei · 7 months

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yeah hi im recovering from living like i was going to kill myself for the ages 12-22 and some days the crippling depression sets me back to that mentality even though i have a lot to live for, do you still think im hot

#alternatively/more real second part is 'do you still care about me'#other alternative: 'i know im a Lot to handle do you still like me'#personal #november is Bad Month and i know im being a burden on the people i love and support me #and im like. hi. sorry to bug you. can you mayhaps give me a bit of reassurance that im not The Worst for #existing/having needs/being more broken than usual FJJDDJJDKFG #chaos rants #anyway #cw sui ideation #cw suicide

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purplecatghostposts · 1 year

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oh my god, i love your MH time travel idea. did you have any other ideas for it??

OH BOY DO I

(Referring to this!)

Warning, this may be… Incomprehensible. I just have a lot of ideas and they aren’t fully fleshed out so I’m just throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks. Hope you like a wall full of spaghetti, Anon!

- While going back in time reverses the physical effects that Operator Sickness had, they all still carry the trauma of its effects and what happened during it, so while only Tim is experiencing symptoms (though currently managing them with his medication), they aren’t completely off scot-free.

- I imagine it takes them a minute to realize exactly how many people woke up with memories of the previous timeline. I feel like Brian would want to tell someone and that someone would end up being Tim and then they’d both realize they remembered and compare notes

- I HC Seth and Sarah as roommates so they immediately find out as well. Amy and Jessica too. Pretty much the only person that thinks they’re in this alone at first is Jay but fortunately that doesn’t last too long because maybe Brian starts trying to subtly figure out if anyone else has any memories by asking questions only someone who knew would know, and finally Tim, Jay, Brian, Seth, and Sarah all realize they’re on the same page.

- Imagine their shock and suspicion when they realize Alex is not. Further suspicion that only grows when Amy and Jessica show up meaning Alex is the only one who doesn’t remember. Maybe they try and test him to see if he’s faking it and if he’ll slip up.

- He doesn’t. Alex really doesn’t remember anything.

- There are… Lots of things to work out. Not just with where to go next but there’s still some animosity within the group and especially regarding the members of ToTheArk. Influenced by an otherworldly being or not, it’s still something they need to resolve. Not to mention, Amy points out that Alex was influenced too, an argument that keeps being brought up because nobody really knows what to think. Alex killed people, but how much of that was Alex and how much of it was something else entirely?

- Meanwhile, Alex just really wanted to work on his film but while he can location scout and work on the script all he wants, without actors, it’s not really gonna go anywhere, and his actors keep finding excuses to put it off.

- Alex has no idea what’s going on with everyone because Tim and Jay are polite at best and usually tense around him, Jessica keeps looking at him like she doesn’t know what to think, Brian can’t seem to make up his mind, Seth and Sarah flat out refuse to be in a room alone with him, even Amy is acting distant. He feels like he’s missing something but he doesn’t know what and nobody is telling him. All the conversations he catches sound like nonsense too so he’s pretty much completely in the dark too.

- Since Alex is out and about location scouting, he ends up catching the early stages of Operator Sickness. The next time he gets into a coughing fit in front of any of them, they freak out and Alex doesn’t get why.

- The arguments get worse. They can’t tell if Alex is doomed to repeat the cycle and if they need to take him out in order to prevent it, or if they can make sure he doesn’t turn out the same this time

- Being around Alex makes them all conflicted. Because this Alex is the Alex that they became friends with in the first place and they missed this version of him a lot but it’s one thing to miss it and another thing to get it back, especially considering a good chunk of them last remember dying because of him before waking up in the past. They don’t know if they can trust him, or if they’ll just get hurt all over again if they get attached

- Their distance from Alex causes a lot of internal issues for Alex himself. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out he’s the odd man out here, and the problem they have. He just doesn’t understand why and it’s frustrating but whenever he gets frustrated, it just drives them all further away and makes it worse. He doesn’t know what to do.

- Then maybe (still deciding on when), one day, Alex wakes up. And he remembers everything and understands better than ever. He doesn’t blame them. He didn’t help them at all in the end. But maybe he can now.

- In order to stop the sickness, it’s best to cut it off at the source. Alex doesn’t know what he can do against a monster like that but since it no longer has such a tight hold over him, he can do something this time. He has to do something. And if he dies trying? Then at the very least, it can’t use him against them anymore.

- While Alex does try to stand up to the Operator, it goes rather poorly. Fortunately, someone finds him unconscious somewhere (maybe Brian), drags him back to one of their apartments, and they have a talk when he wakes up. They’re still not the most comfortable around him but suffice to say, Alex regaining his memories and immediately choosing to attempt to fight the Operator proves that he’s not gonna repeat the same mistakes twice, solving that matter at the very least.

- Cue a whole lot of healing while attempting to figure out a way to get rid of a creature beyond their understanding

That’s about what I got! Again, just spitballed ideas, definitely needs some more fine tuning but it’s a start. Hope you enjoyed!

Also ty for the Ask, I love rambling about funny little AUs and it gives me all the more reason to :)

#marble hornets #time travel AUs are so interesting to me and ESPECIALLY in an MH context #so I had to give it a go #I wanted both pre-MH and regretful post-MH Alex #so I got the best of both worlds #they all have so many issues but goddamn they are gonna WORK ON THEM #Ask #SB Talks #SB Rambles #gonna tag #Suicide Idealation #JUST in case #because Alex’s thinking kinda veers towards that in regards to fighting the Operator #because canonically that was his whole plan??#he’s kinda fucked up #but they’re gonna be fucked up together so #suicide ideation #I. don’t know if I spelt that right the first time so just in case

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musical-chick-13 · 5 months

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*sigh* I wish I didn't have so much weird baggage around my birthday.

#tw: suicidal ideation #it's not even because something Super Traumatic Happened on that day or something #it's literally just The Mental Illness manifesting in an extremely bizarre way #and then some of it's related to the fact that back when I was convinced I was definitely going to kill myself at some point I made #2024 that cutoff date. as in 'if it doesn't get better in these specific ways by then I'll give up'#and I'm not in that place anymore and I don't want to die anymore so I guess it IS better. but the underlying stuff that was a problem #back then is still a problem now. it...might actually be WORSE now. so I just await that day with...hmmmm not the best of feelings #and I'm also kind of just like 'why bother celebrating me what have I done for the world' like. idk. it's just bad.#ALSO last year my uncle who also suffered from o/c/d died on my birthday so that's also a weird thing to have to contend with

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