#it's basic shit it's nothing i need a fucking medal for
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some people in the catering industry are so STUPID okay so where i work usually has two or three KPs on at a time bc it's quite big and the job of the waiting staff when clearing tables is literally just to bring it to the kitchen and leave it on the counter for the KPs to wash up. now you're supposed to put the cutlery in a bucket and scrape all the food off the plates bc that's just the decent thing to do but a lot of the staff literally just DUMP it bc there's a real snobbery thing about KPs and how waiting staff generally think they're better. now there's one woman who does the potwash a lot and ive been friendly to her since the beginning - no ulterior motive it's just the decent thing to do???? i dont understand some people - AND THE THING ABOUT MY JOB IS THAT THE KPS ARE USUALLY TRAINED ON DESSERTS TOO SO THEY MAKE THE DESSERTS anyway found out this woman my bsf had fucked up one of her desserts and she HID IT and waited for ME SPECIFICALLY and i got a free brownie
#like there are so many benefits to being nice and treating human beings like human beings#one is that it is a nice thing to do and being a jerk will make you feel all gross inside#and another is that THEY WILL BE NICE TO YOU IN RETURN#primary school level social skills and yet so many of the staff who are OLDER THAN me#treat this poor woman like dirt#i love her she's so chatty and she really likes me now which is kind of sad bc literally all i did was talk normally to her#like i say hi to her and ask her how her day is and i asked her name when i first started#and i thank her when she takes the plates#it's basic shit it's nothing i need a fucking medal for#BUT she's kinda petty in a really funny way (like not letting any of the other waitresses have the brownie then giving it me IN FRONT OF#THE OTHERS SKDGHKSHD)#like one time there was a queue in the kitchen bc a load of tables left at the same time so we all had plates that needing washin#*washing#and this woman IGNORED the other three girls in front of me and started a convo with me over their heads LMAO#i was like bestie you CANT DO THAT KSHGDKJHG#i love her and the brownie was fucking stunning#also the same way the waiting/bar staff have a real comradery against the kitchen staff when they're being dicks#the KITCHEN staff are renowned everywhere you go for being very cliquey#like you know how everyone always slates chefs? yeah now imagine a group of them who think it's a ride or die environment#and ive been pretty intimidated by the chefs here just bc they're so cliquey and they're not really interested in being friends with#the waitresses like they're there for their own people and nothing else#BUT bc im chummy with this one KP now SHE is one of the kitchen staff and like i said they're very protective of their own#SO NOW THEY ALL LIKE ME LMAO#finessed the system on accident purely by being a nice person#shocking truly! how has no one realised this! when you are nice your life is easier and better! wow!#hella slaves to capitalism
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waiting :) (WORD VOMIT TIME)
the somewhat hornier parts were inspired by ayesha erotica because yeah
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yandere ! childhood best friend (with benefits) x gn ! reader
tw: shitty writing and atrocious english grammar
a/n;; i’m lazy to put this in a proper format i jsut wanna PUKE PARAGRAPHS. yEAH.
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hi i know this is like basic but these songs really do resonate w the situation rn and like… idk. your bsf is haunted by their jealousy every time you end up with someone rhat isn’t them lmfao
the twinge of jealousy lingers in their gut when you look so dreamy when talking about ur new crush
“this is your FOURTH LOVE INTEREST this month” (this is meant to be lighthearted teasing about how easily u fell in love again but it’s also a bit of a poke because you keep loving people left and right even tho ur bestie is RIGHT HERE.)
they’ve always loved you and they keep waiting. and waiting. and waiting. but the chance to love you like you deserve has never arrived :’(
it hurts so much, fornicating with you and worshipping your bare skin with the thought in mind that.. you two are just keeping it casual. you’re still into someone else. you’re not doing this because you love them, no, it’s just that you both needed to let off some steam.
…is that really it? they keep counting down the days until you finally admit that you’re not fucking them with shallow motives.
they want to hear your declaration of love, to hear you gushing about your love interest, where they’re the object of your affection at last, instead of anyone else.
like, seriously. when will you choose them over everyone else? did anyone ever love you like they did? has anyone ever treated you the way they have? do your other partners look at you so fondly, eyes watery and brimming with admiration of your beauty, just like they always have? is your actual lover the one that makes you cum all over the sheets whenever you feel stressed?
...oh, right. it's your best friend doing all the work. but no matter how much effort they put in, you never looked in their direction with that same fucking smile you showed to your fleeting romantic interests.
they just wished they weren't second best anymore. they can't settle for silver medals. it has been years of pining, but it only takes a month or two for a stranger to win you over.
ok that's all fine and dandy BUT what if u feel the same ????
so so like um i think that they would be like super super fucking stoked like all their efforts paid off which. honestly thank whatever supreme being may or may not be there because THEY WORKED THEIR ASS OFF FOR U
their idea of a celebration as soon as y'all hit it off would be like major cliches similar to movie endings
running off to a secluded place to have your homie latch their legs onto your waist then have a wholesome little kiss and cue the nonexistent fanfare
no matter how basic it sounds they would want nothing more than a wholehearted embrace and kiss in the middle of a clearing while the setting sun illuminates your pretty face <3
well honestly regardless of how much they want that shit they'd probably ignore their wishes and do whatever YOU want to do like on an occasion like this they want to focus on your happiness instead of asking you to follow through with their desires if it's different from your idea of a pleasant evening together
so this part is actually up to personal interpretation lmfao ill just follow requests n shi
sorry this is short as fuck i gave up midway hdebdhg
#[ciaran chats]#yandere#so silly#yandere oc#yandere x gn reader#yandere x reader#yandere x gender neutral reader#x gender neutral reader#x gn reader#yancore#yandere oc x reader
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birthday drabble 12 - jhs
@hobi-gif asked: 26 and hobi because i’m gonna try and make you write more oral and there aren’t ever enough hoseok fics please
alright. we've reached our final drabble of the day, and this one needs a little intro.
here's the thing. nothing personal to anyone who suggested this prompt specifically - i mean i AM the oral queen so i don't blame y'all 😇 and i chose this prompt list so really it's on me lmao - but i hate it. i hate it so much, i don't think it's hot *at all*, AND IT GOT REQUESTED SERIOUSLY LIKE 4 TIMES, YA FREAKS
so. i decided to uh..... take this in a slightly different direction. i think my brain was melting from writing so much porn and i figured this would be a good (read: insane) way to round out the smut party 😂 love you hope~ and i hope you can still enjoy this. and my sincerest apologies to jung hoseok, at least i made him good at oral okay!!!!
pairing: hoseok x reader
contains: smut!! basically a crack fic with oral lmao. dirty talk (both abysmal and not), cunnilingus, fingering, a little teasing/begging, edging if you squint?, reader is kinda mean lol, i'm so sorry hobi
summary: hoseok is so good at giving head, but so bad at talking dirty. it really makes things difficult.
want more? check out all my birthday drabbles here!
requests for these are now closed 💜
Hoseok is so much better when he's not fucking talking. Once his head is between your legs, it's amazing. It's just enduring everything that comes before that can be kind of excruciating.
Because he is so fucking bad at talking dirty.
You’re still trying to figure out where he gets the shit he says from– either bad porn or terrible romance novels is your best guess. And it’s not like you suffer in silence. You take every opportunity to correct him, and he’s improved vastly from when you first started hooking up. You’ve finally convinced him to remove the word ‘boobies’ from his vocabulary, for instance.
But now the horrible ones sneak up on you when you least expect it, usually either leaving you disgusted enough that you momentarily shove him away, or laughing so hard you nearly knee him in the face.
When you realized how terrible he truly was at it, you did your best to convince Hoseok that it was fine. You don’t need dirty talk to get off. He could just touch you, taste you, fuck you, and it would be plenty. But that was before you knew him as well as you do now, and you weren’t aware of the strong perfectionist streak within him. Hoseok does not like being bad at something, and now that you’ve pointed out a flaw, he’s more determined than ever to do it right, to practice until it’s perfect.
At least his oral skills are worth suffering for. You really don’t understand how he’s good at the thing that is objectively much harder, yet so bad at just fucking talking.
Tonight, Hoseok’s got you stripped naked on his couch, and you spread your legs accommodatingly as he moves to kneel in front of you. “Wanna taste you,” he groans against your thigh, and you let out a breathy sigh. Good, that one was good.
“Wanna lick that kitty.” You squeeze your eyes shut and shake your head, and you hear Hoseok laugh a little.
“Fuck, I’m so bad at this. I really promise I’m trying.”
You open your eyes to look at him, and his cheeks are flushed pink with embarrassment. “Maybe you need to try less. The first one was fine. Just please don’t call it a kitty.”
“Pussy?”
“That’s fine.” His mouth is ghosting over you as you have this discussion, and it’s all you can do to keep yourself from grabbing the back of his head and shoving him down. You’d prefer to power rank the various terms for vagina when you’re not ridiculously aroused and dying for contact, but Hoseok has repeatedly asked that you correct him in the moment.
“Or I’ll never learn!” He always insists.
You deserve a medal for your service, you think to yourself, and then you gasp a little as his tongue brushes over you.
For a person who tends to prefer things neat and tidy, Hoseok is sloppy when it comes to giving head, in the best way possible. He loves to start off with long, slow licks, flat tongue dragging over you, so teasing that it’s nearly torture for how good it feels.
Pleasure coils tight in your belly as he works to pull soft noises out of you. Between his diligent mouth and your own wetness that’s been building up all night, you’re fucking soaked, and desperate for more.
He pulls away briefly with a smack of his lips. “Mmm, tastes good.”
You sigh a little but decide to allow that one. Being complimented on your flavor has never done anything for you personally, but you’re not gonna stop a man from talking positively about the taste of pussy. Feminism, or something.
“Keep going,” you whine softly, and he does, settling at your clit and moving more intentionally now. You can barely keep your own tongue in your mouth as you watch his flicker over you again and again. The strong muscle of his jaw works tirelessly, like he could do this all day, and you lean back on your forearms to enjoy the show.
When he slips two fingers into you, you exhale a heady moan of relief, spreading your legs wider to allow him access. He presses intently on your g-spot, rhythmically, enough that your hips start rolling in time.
“Feels so fucking good, Hoseok,” you offer in encouragement. You can feel your orgasm starting to build, and you whimper when his mouth momentarily leaves you.
“Tell me what you want, baby.”
He always fucking does this. As annoying as you find it, you kind of get it, that he wants to hear the things you’ll say so he can repeat them back to you, his own way of practicing. You’re sure he’s in need of the ego boost, too, so you’re willing to play along for a little bit.
“I want your mouth.” The words come out on a whine as his fingers start to pick up speed.
“Yeah?” He presses a teasing kiss right above your clit, and you’re keyed up enough that you hiss and flinch slightly. “Where, baby?”
You groan a little more, trying not to lose it. “On my fucking cunt.”
You don’t use the word often, and Hoseok raises an eyebrow in response, like you’ve said something naughty. “Ooh, is that right?”
“Yes, Hoseok.” He’s killing you. “Please.”
“What should I do with my mouth?”
“Make me come.” You can’t stress the words enough, hips lifting up unsubtly towards him as his fingers continue to work you.
“Uh-huh. How bad do you want it?”
That’s it. You can’t fucking do this. “Hoseok!” You cry, ending his game of twenty questions. “I don’t want to fucking talk anymore!”
“Oh, so impatient!” He chides with a grin, rubbing even harder against your front wall, enough that you throw your head back and make a frustrated noise. He drops his mouth close, so close, to where you need him, voice low as he continues. “Just for that, I’m gonna suck your clit ‘til you go blind.”
Your head snaps up at that one.
“Jung Hoseok!” You shout his name so loudly– and not out of pleasure– that he withdraws and leaps back from you, eyes wide in sheer terror. “What the fuck?!”
“W-was that one not good?”
“Why are you bringing visual impairments into your fucking dirty talk?!”
He sputters for a second. “I was trying to be creative.”
You have to bury your face in your hands as pleasure and disgust twist together in your stomach. This is practically turning into unintentional edging.
“Hobi,” you start, your voice slightly muffled. “Can you please just eat me out?” You level your gaze on him. “I’m either going to die or kill you if I don’t come right now. Please.”
"Okay, okay," he relents, laughing a little at the fact that you're clearly on the brink of insanity. "No more talking."
To your overwhelming relief, Hoseok crawls back towards you and does as he’s told, and weird ableism aside, he makes good on his promise. You instinctively reach out to claw at the couch cushions beneath you when he closes his lips around your clit and sucks hard, fingers returning to beckon inside you, now at an unrelenting pace.
It’s so fucking good– and you were so fucking close– that there’s no stopping you now. You wind your fingers through his hair, holding him firmly to your core, and your thighs start to shake as your orgasm finally crests.
“Yes, oh fuck, just like that–” you gasp, and then you lose your grip on your ability to speak; you can only cry out as relief washes over you.
Your walls flutter around Hoseok’s fingers, and he hums against you gently as he continues to move his tongue, drawing out the waves of your climax for as long as he possibly can.
When the motions go from pleasurable to overwhelming, you release your grip on his hair and he backs off, moving up to sit next to you on the couch.
“I love making you come,” he says sheepishly as he wipes his face with the back of his hand. It's enough to make you feel a little bad about being so mean. He really is trying.
“Want you to fuck me, Hoseok,” you breathe, your head buzzing with the rush of post-orgasm chemicals. You’re smiling, still blissed-out, as you hook your thumbs into his belt loops to tug him closer to you.
“Yeah, baby?” He purrs. “Then why don’t you bend over and let me give you this penis?”
You laugh so hard you fall off the couch.
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hi guys!! i'm liv and this is my cocky, shittalking tennis queen, cha soeun! v v v excited to write with everyone (but also am an absolute noob at tennis. i literally know nothing about it. i had to chatgpt so many things so i apologize if anything is not the most accurate!!!) but anyways, u can find her condensed intro below - apologies if her characterization is still a little bit of a WIP because i tend to build my character as i plot & write, but anyways, please hit like if you'd like to plot!! i'm also good with dc or ims!
key info
cha soeun, twenty four (jan 11 2000)
national team tennis player
capricorn sun, capricorn moon, aries rising
entj
personality
label: the spitfire, the heel
alignment: lawful evil
positive: ambitious, undeviating, tactical, confident, resilient, ebullient
negative: cocky, irreverent, brash, volatile, impatient, fiery
neutral: unapologetic
inspirations: heavily inspired by novak djokovic. other inspirations include succession’s shiv roy, gossip girl’s blair waldorf, the seven husbands of evelyn hugo’s evelyn hugo
career
turned professional at 15
rose to prominence at 16 after defeating the world ranked 50 and made it to the finals of the miami open where she ultimately lost (and threw somewhat of a fit. she broke her racquet and smashed a ball into the crowd. you can watch it on youtube. probably included in one of her many ‘cha soeun's worst behaviours’ videos) - earned praise for her resilience, but also got shit on a lot for how “unprofessional” she acted
played tournaments regularly following that but failed to win any major titles, although she did walk away with a few runner-up medals & won some smaller competitons
was still enough to get her called up to the national team at 18 (though not without a warning to get her shit together. she behaved for like three matches)
won her first major tournament, australia open at 21
hit her career best at 23, winning 3 grand slams in a year
off the court, she has been scrutinzed a lot for her lack of sportsmanship and irreverent attitude to most things. very polarizing to the public; some of the criticism is valid, but others not so much
the kind to chat shit before a game to mess with her opponent’s head. the kind to play with a demoralizing style, forcing opponents to play more impatiently, hit harder and take more risks. will pull out of a tournament if she thinks she will lose (her most infamous excuse was having a sore throat. was spotted at a karaoke bar the next day - she was very heavily criticized for this, and even soeun admits it was shitty of her to do that)
undeniable that she’s very talented and very hardworking, considered one of asia’s top tennis players but she just has a horrible attitude that makes it hard for some people to support her
background
wont add much but crazy, uber competitive family. father is ceo of a fintech company, mother is a healthcare cfo (i’m thinking her dad is some cocky tech bro who you love to hate. el*n musk dupe??)
basically raised their kids on steroids - find something you’re good at and stick with it. be the best at it. anything less than #1 is not accepted
soeun got lucky at five and realized that she liked tennis! and she was pretty fucking good at it.
her younger sibling was not as fortunate and spent their whole lives trying to find something they were good at and ultimately failing. soeun holds them as a reminder of why she needs to always keep trying and always be the best because there's no way she'll let herself end up like her younger sibling.
anyways yeah she just kept training and playing tennis. signed away her childhood but the fame and glory and attention was always more fun anyways
trivia
shes messy but it’s not like she actively tries to be? when you’re raised in a crazy competitive family where shit talk is the normal way of life.. it’s just how you live life
she’s very much an entertainer. invited to a few variety shows, which she excels at because she’s just loud and bright and funny (but she’s not allowed to go on anything live. she’s a tad too unpredictable for that)
genuinely believes in herself. the cockiness isn’t an act, she is genuinely and truly believes that she is the greatest and she can do anything. she doesn’t think that she deserves all the gold just because she's cha soeun - but because she knows that she’s talented and she works her ass off.
on that note, she is very, very, very dedicated to her sport. incredibly hard worker. will stay till dawn. will practice till her fingers are calloused and bloody!!
potential plots
first love! shes bi so i would love something where your muse has trained with her all their lives and you broke up but now you’re friends and she’s forcing herself to laugh around you and everything thinks it’s SO cool that exes can be friends but truth is it hurts!!! alot!!!
enemies!! someone who thinks soeun should shut the fuck up or that she’s ruining the beautiful sport of tennis or the olympics in general
besties <3 or unlikely friends!!! a soft spoken sweet person to match soeun’s fiery nastiness
enemies to fwbs… on the contrary, two very similar hot-heads! always at each other’s throat, sexual tension, you know the likes
pr friendship. she’s lowkey a pr mess and her team wants to “clean her image up” before the olympics so they pair you two together! idk they can end up being friends or beefing whatever works
the only other person who stays as late as she does. doesn’t have to be a fellow tennis player but someone who understands the #grind. sharing late night protein shakes after practicing till 3am vibes??
other tennis players!!
we can brainstorm!! i’m just vomiting cause as everything with life, i have procrastinated writing this intro until the very last minute! hehe
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Okay so-
Harry/Kim.... right..?
Listen, you know that thing/trope with two people trying to like "act natural" in public or like blend in so they don't get caught by the bad guys they spying on or whatever?
So that with kim/harry pls. I want them undercover or plainclothes or whatever sussing them bad guys out when they need to blend in. Maybe Kim uses that thing about people being avoiding watching public affection
Ramblings below the cut
So he just grabs harry by the lapels and fuckn goes for it, full on smooching the life outta this poor bastard, 0-100 real quick(I mean full on, he got his leg hiked up around Harry's waist, hand running through the hair, necking like a couple teens in the corner(there is tongue)). As the people pass by and once they in the clear he steps back with his little "khm." and straight face picks up where they left off like nothing happened. Then Harry just standing there absolutely gobsmacked, stuck buffering like asgdfhadha.
*BREAKTHROUGH IMMINENT* DOES HDB IS GAY?
TASK ADDED - NEED TO FIND A WAY TO KISS KIM AGAIN???
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Alternatively(slight nsfw), they on a stakeout or something and Harry just being the chatterbox that he is and Kim notices someone coming and is like "oh shit, need to shut harry up before they discover us" And of course he decides easiest way to do that is just kiss him so he can't talk. So he shuts him up with a kiss, something more chaste, like just press of the lips. But it works, Harry clams up. Kim pulls back with his finger to Harry's lips like *shush* and looks over to the danger. Harry nods in understanding, but Kim keeps his hand where it is against him.
idk where this taking place but they in like an alley or something so Kim also has him pinned up against the wall. And like Harry is INTO THAT(tm). So the tension just keeps ratcheting up between them as they keep up eye contact with eachother. And Harry being the little shit that he is decides he's 100% down for whatever is going on rn and decides to escalate, so he gives a little lick. And Kim does his little eyebrow raise like *you for real bro?* And Harry just doubles down and puts his heart into it cause fuck it, shoot your shot y'know? So he basically ends up with multiple of Kim's fingers in his mouth, and starts getting carried away and let's out a little moan cause he just having a good time tbh. To which Kim is like *!!!* and kinda panics cause they trying to stay hidden, so he brings up his other hand and puts it around Harry's neck with a bit of pressure as like a reminder that they supposed to be being quiet. But BIG MISTAKE there cause that's a THING for Harry so he lets out this big ass whimper/moan without meaning to that alerts the people around them. So they gotta hightail it outta there, running to wherever they hid the kineema and then pedal to the medal they escape.
Turn to later at precinct they doing paperwork/forms about they stuff and neither one has really made any mention of what happened between them, it's getting later to the end of day. Kim casually asks Harry if he'd like a drive back to his apartment cause it's late so he doesn't have to walk. Harry like "sure". When they set out instead of heading in the direction of Harry's though they go opposite and Harry like *???* but doesn't really wanna say anything cause he feels chagrined over what happened, got it in his head that it was all him and he did a bad(tm).
They pull up to Kim's apartment and Harry still not questioning anything just following Kim's lead, Kim’s like "Inside." no emotion or giving anything away, so Harry follows him up and once they inside he just like shyly by the door not knowing what's about to happen like *is Kim mad at me? gotta be, uh oh*
Then Kim turns on him and is like "I guess I've got to teach you how to be quiet/listen to what I ask/follow orders properly"
*cue like 3k of smut*
#wrote this on notepad at like 1am like a madman#anyone feel free to expand on this I wanna see it#look bro I’m a sucker for both Harry not knowing what to do with affection but also him being a little shit#disco elysium#harrykim#harry du bois#kim kitsuragi#kimharry
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⭐️Good evening.
I never thought I'd make this, but I'm sick and tired of dealing with this shit. Yknow who you are [Maru] if that's even what you want to be called. How does it feel knowing you ruined me and my friends lives?? How does it feel that you harassed my friends and demonized my friends BPD?? Do you feel proud of yourself? Do you feel like you're the shit? Do you feel happy knowing you've made the entire KJ community a hell pit? Do you enjoy seeing people suffer and manipulating them?
You claim that we don't deserve harassment yet you continue to do so, your hypocrisy is painful, you claim you don't like certain things but you've done them before on your old private acc because I've witnessed it. Not to mention how petty you are when it comes to people shipping their ocs with canon characters, yet I've seen YOU do it before so what's wrong with me and others doing it? I noticed how you slightly hint at things that have to do with me and my friends, but what have I ever done to you? You harass people that simply talk to us, we tried to help you, but you wouldn't listen to a damn thing we would say. I also wanna say that I don't care how much you hate a certain character, no one cares, you aren't getting a gold medal for being a "number 1 hater" you're just being annoying as hell and a petty brat. Your strong hatred towards something or a character people like is so fucking weird, you act like they burned down your home or did something horrible to you, I don't have a problem with disliking a character but the way you act is so immature. I barely ever spoke to you and the fact that you don't like me simply because of me talking to my friends is so petty. You would always change the subject whenever we wanted to talk about things we liked, I'm so sick and tired of hearing pholue this and pholue that, let us speak for once about something that isn't about that stupid fire bird and pirate for once. You also seem to love bullying small children when they make their own fanfiction, children should be allowed to have fun and be creative when they make their writing, and ranting about "cute girl ocs in the kj fandom" there's nothing wrong with that, I know damn well that it was hinting at my main KJ oc, don't fucking deny that because I know you, you blocked my parody acc that was made simply for fun, no harm, only for fun. And it's very ironic considering she is one that is shipped with a canon character, so stupid how you get mad at people for having fun and doing things that are FUCKING NORMAL
You constantly pull the "IM A MINOR!2!1!1!" card, guess what? I am too, how do you think you're gonna get anywhere in life doing that shit? You aren't, your gonna grow up to be an adult and the hard life is gonna hit you like a fucking truck. This has been going on for a year now and you need to fucking get over it, we TRIED to help you but once again you wouldn't listen, we would try to poke jokes and have fun but you would get mad. We didn't do anything to hurt you, and the fact that you basically made us look like bad guys is fucking wrong and sickening, do you know how hard it is to try and talk to people now without them knowing that you spoon fed them lies about us??? You need to just get off the internet ENTIERLY, and go outside and get some fresh air and grass [it might help you] I just want to continue living my life with my friends and do my writing in peace without your noisy obnoxious ass.
You've made the KJ community a hell pit, you've upset my friends and myself, you've ruined everything for everyone. Everything was so peaceful until you decided to run your loud mouth to everyone. I'm so sick and tired of you and hope your sorry ass learns a lesson. I'm done trying to be calm and be nice. The world doesn't revolve around you, and telling lies isn't gonna get you anywhere, fuck off and leave me the HELL alone and my friends.
Grow the fuck up and leave me and my friends alone.
#to my followers im sorry for this rant#to my friends im genuinely so sorry you have to deal with this#this is such bullshit#grow the fuck up and get a better life#leave me alone
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Is it possible to have a sneak peak of the next fic 👉👈🥺🥺🥺
Sure, sweetheart!
Context of the fic I'm writing/planning right now:
This fic has affectionately been referred to by @baseballbatbucky (and now myself, in my own head) as the cum-whore-Bucky fic 🤣
It's also my first adventure into crack-treated-seriously in fanfiction but I promise its gonna be good. The "seriousness" is basically hard smut and the crack is, uh, improbable circumstances of how the super soldier serum works... I won't spoil too much 👀
Right now it will be nine chapters of shrunkyclunks goodness! The first chapter is 4.9k and ENTIRELY smut 🤣
Here's your sneak peak!
Mewling, crying, and drooling into the sheets, Bucky can’t help but whine. He needs this so bad. God, it’s all he fucking wants.
“Yes, yes, please!” He moans, feeling the way his nerves are crackling under the heat of the flames lapping at him- turning him to nothing but a puddle on their bed. Feeling the way Steve is pounding into him. Fucking- Christ. He’s like a machine. Goddamn. His thrusts are so consistent and deep and- guh. Bucky’s fingers and toes curl as Steve throws even more of his body weight into his fucking, making Bucky’s pierced nipples rub hard against the sheets that he’s ruining with sweat and drool and cum. The sheets will be more fit to be burned than washed after all the filth they’ve been exposed to.
Crazed as he is - being fucked within an inch of his life - Bucky keeps whining, “want it, I want more, oh, f-fuck, please! Want more so bad!”
Steve growls behind him, his hands tightened on his hips, surely bruising, “yeah?”
“Uun-huh!” He gasps, fucked out. Squirming as his raw nipples keep dragging on the sheets and he can’t do a goddamn thing about it, hands tied behind his back. Steve was so good at working him up! He fucking- he did what he always does, pinching and licking and biting his pierced nipples (he has a bit of an obsession with them) until he was about to cum- then and there. But Steve made him wait. Steve made him beg to be allowed to cum only to tell him that he had a surprise first. Bucky had felt his eyes widen and his breathing pick up, his tongue coming out to trace his lower lip. Always curious.
Steve’s surprise is now crinkled and scrunched up - totally ruined - a couple of inches from Bucky’s left knee. It’s also wet with Bucky’s first orgasm. Fucked right out of him from Steve’s gold medal dick game. Test results.
Bucky’s test results came in earlier in the week, showing no disease or illness of any kind. And Steve’s are just the same. Giving them the green light to ditch the fucking condoms that Bucky loathes so much. Shit. It’s all he’s wanted since they started fucking- as slutty as it sounds. He wanted Steve bare. He wants to feel all of him, nothing separating them, as thin as the layer may be. He wants his cum inside him, claiming him. Dripping out of him. Owned. Ruined.
All of it.
God.
He wants all of it and more. Everything Steve has to give him, he wants. Even as bottomless as his boyfriend’s lust and desire seems to be, turned all the way up to eleven like the rest of his senses after the serum. All. Yes. Please.
Now, neither of them is paying any fucking attention to the result. It doesn’t matter when they have more important things to focus on. Like the wet, hard sound of their bodies colliding over the desperate, needy sounds that Bucky can’t stop making. Begging for it even when he can’t use his words; too dumb and too full of pleasure (and cock, Steve’s fucking huge fucking thing).
Bucky’s clothes are also forgotten and ruined, some of them strewn about on the bed, others on the floor. His shirt and boxer briefs ripped in Steve’s desperate haste to get him naked in order to ravish him. Ruin him.
“Steve! Steve! Steeeve! Ohmygod,” Bucky cries, needy, eyes squeezed shut tight as he hangs on for the ride. He’s gonna have a friction burn after this, the sheets rubbing his nipples even more raw and sensitive but his cheek too- face down and ass up.
They have a safeword Bucky can use at any point but he doesn’t want to use it. He wants Steve to keep going- keep filling him up even after he himself can’t get hard anymore and is so worn out that he might pass out on his cock. He wants Steve to use him to please himself. He wants Steve to be able to wear himself out and let go of his super needs. He wants it. God, he wants it sloppy, rough, and he wants cum dripping out of him. Steve’s cum. And now he can have it.
He can have all of his cum inside him as much as he can have his pussy ruined from the goddamn size of Steve. The serum enhanced motherfucker. Stretching him so wide. Filling him so full.
Steve growls at his begging, his body huge above him - caging him in and making it difficult for his muscles to keep holding up, shaking - as he plows into his pussy. Steve rasps, “gonna fuck you stupid-” Bucky’s arousal curls impossibly tighter, deeper. Yes “-until you forget how to be slutty and greedy like you are all the time-” he is. He is. So greedy. So slutty. He wants to be fucked out and stupid by Steve twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week “-begging me to use you whenever I need it. Whether I bend you, you…” Steve stutters and his hips do too, driving in deep and making little thrusts, digging his dick in so deep that Bucky swears he can feel it in his throat, choking him, “over the kitchen counter, the sofa, coming in the shower when you’re trynna get clean to fuck you there too, not that you fuckin’ care… God. You never fuckin’ mind, y-you always encourage me instead,” Steve stops talking to pant. His heavy, hot breaths humid against Bucky’s skin. “Gonna, ungh, gonna give you your fill. Gonna give you more than enough. Gonna keep fucking you good but al-also cum in you so much. Gonna- fuck!”
Steve practically roars as he finishes. Losing control of his hips and losing all of his words other than a bone-deep groan pressed tight to his skin- his teeth bite into the tattoo on his left shoulder; dark, crooked branches with delicate flowers to offset the Edgar Allen Poe haunting-ness of the tree and moon hinted at in the background. His tattoos all decorate his flesh beautifully. His ink is another part of him that Steve is obsessed with - like his straight, silver barbell pierced nipples - it’s not something he was used to seeing until he acclimated to the current era. Now it fascinates him. He’s spent hours tonguing and tracing all of his tattoos. Hours and hours torturing him, playing with his nipples.
Oh, fuck. Bucky can feel the phantom sensations of that mixed with Steve as he orgasms now. In the present moment. Overwhelming. And he feels himself melt into the mattress as if he himself had finished too, cumming right along with Steve. But he didn’t. He didn’t orgasm but it’s just so gutting and so good to feel how Steve pumps his release inside him. Hot, wet, and so so so primally pleasing to be filled full.
He’s already had Steve cum inside him… however many rounds they’ve gone now, shit, Bucky has no idea, but it’s not even close to being old yet. He wants more. He’s hungrier than ever. Fucking starved for everything Steve can give him.
He’s not done though.
Steve isn’t done. He himself isn’t done either.
Good.
Different from the previous round(s?), Bucky feels Steve start to go a little soft inside him now- around all the wet heat that may or may not already be leaking out of him. Before, amped up from the entirely negative results and knowing just what it meant for them, Steve hadn’t even gone soft between his orgasm and when he started fucking Bucky again.
He does for a minute now. It’s strangely comforting, not because Bucky wants to be done but because of the indescribable intimacy.
Nearly immediately, his cock goes right back to being hard though.
“Guh-” Bucky moans in response, stupid for it.
“Yeah?” Steve chuckles, voice rough and dark, hips grinding in deep. “You like this, don’t you? You love being fucked and fucked. One right after the other.” Bucky nods so frantically that he’s pretty sure he gives himself a friction burn from the sheets. “Good thing you have me then, sweetheart, otherwise you’d have to get trains run on you to get what you need. A bunch of faceless men, using this pussy-” Steve smears excess sticky wet lube (and hopefully cum) around his rim. Bucky’s insides clench and flutter. Oh. “And there’s no way you’d get cum in you that way… no. You’d just get back-to-back fuckings but that’s not good enough for you, huh?”
Are you excited for me to drop this fic eventually? 😏
#asks#fandomfluffandfuck#steve rogers#bucky barnes#stucky#shrunkyclunks#captain america steve#modern bucky
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Can- can I just talk about the Victuuri relationship? Pretty please?
I just…. I’ve never seen a healthy relationship that starts from idolization and a need to get out that has ended in a satisfying way.
Let me elaborate:
We all know that Yuri idolized Victor. It’s why he was so nervous in the beginning and why it took time for them to build on their relationship, he saw Victor as a god.
Victor? He was depressed. He loved the ice so much but he longer found excitement in competitions. He didn’t have any worthy opponents that had a chance of beating him (sorry Chris).
I believe Victor “fell in love” at the banquet. He was attracted to Yuri but, even though he lost, he also saw potential in him. That night was probably the most exciting night for him in a long time. I think he felt genuine affection for Yuri but also saw a way to get out of his predicament.
Then, of course, Yuri didn’t show up the following season (a year had passed before the present timeline). He was most likely annoyed that someone who had gave him excitement didn’t show up. Did he think Yuri had a chance of beating him at first? Probably not. Did he see potential or at least someone he could have fun with during the season? Hell yes!
And then when he saw the video of Yuri skating Stay Close To Me, something that awarded him a gold medal. That’s all he needed. He saw how Yuri not only skated it perfectly but I bet he thought Yuri skated it better. Let’s not forget that emotion is a huge part of skating. If you don’t skate with the passion your supposed to hold for whatever theme you have, your performance can almost seem futile. Victor obviously won because he perfected it but if it was based on how he presented it alone, he would’ve lost. He saw someone worthy of skating an gold medal piece while also having the heart to do it. That’s talent.
Anyways, because of this, their relationship doesn’t hold well in the beginning. He’s passive aggressive towards Yuri because he doesn’t see his own talent and Yuri is just going along for the ride because holy shit it’s Victor fucking Nikiforov.
As they get to know each other and Yuri opens up more (plus Victor getting info on Yuri from the others) Victor starts to see Yuri as an actual person and not someone he can use to project himself onto and then later skate against. And Yuri starts to see him as an actual person too.
I saw on another post talking about how we didn’t see them during the summer and how the end credits of every episode suggest they got to know each other better as both in the credits and in the show they (Yuri) are able to touch each other more. I 100% believe this.
I also believe they might’ve had an argument or two on this topic. It’s not easy to switch from inadvertently seeing someone as anything but a person to an actual person with emotions and feelings. I believe Victor would’ve tried to back away from this subject but Yuri wouldn’t let him. It wasn’t big arguments like in episode 7. It was probably little quarrels that annoyed them both but after having a long conversation they finally started to become more comfortable with each other.
Yuri started letting go of the notion that Victor was a god like creature and Victor saw him as something other than a pawn. Yuri stopped getting as embarrassed with Victor touching him and Victor stopped trying to seduce him as much just so he could see the man from the banquet.
This most definitely leads the way towards a healthier relationship but episode 7 was inevitable. Yuri’s anxiety was at an all time high when he comes out on top. The fact that he needs to stay on top and not mess up is getting to him. As a person with anxiety, it’s pure hell. The thoughts of failing won’t get out of his head and even as he turns off all the monitors he can still hear everything.
Victor takes him away from prying eyes and has no idea what to do. Despite an obvious change that would’ve had to include some emotions from both occurring over the summer, he still has no idea how to help someone in distress.
Then he makes his first mistake. Yuri is visibly shaken by someone’s scores (can’t remember who) and Victor, who is at his wits end, yells at him to stop listening and puts his hands over Yuri’s ears. This tells Yuri how nervous Victor is too and despite knowing that Victor wouldn’t leave him now it shows to him that Victor doesn’t have faith in him (even if he does).
Victor tried to shatter Yuri’s heart. He must’ve expected Yuri to maybe sign heavily but tell him that he’ll do everything in his power to win (probably something that’s happened with him and Yakov). Instead he see’s the consequences of his carelessness. Yuri rightfully lashes out at him and even through all that Victor stills says “should I kiss you?”. Idk what Yuri was thinking but if I were him I would be extremely offended that Victor would try and use me like some doll he can play with and can assume that physical affection and love can fix everything, which was probably what Yuri was thinking.
There’s something off about Yuri and Victor when they emerge but Yuri is surprisingly better now. Cathartic crying can do wonders, kids. There’s also my favorite part of the entire show (couldn’t find a gif):
*head jab* “Hey, fuck you.”
*more head jabs* “Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. I know you don’t like this you unempathetic dicknip.”
*head pat* “You’re forgiven.”
We all know what happens next: Yuri ends his love story with Victor’s signature move and Victor kisses him out of joy and the need to one up him (with love, of course).
I’m gonna get a little sloppy here with the timeline because I have the memory of a female protagonist that needs to go back to work to get something only to accidentally bump into the jerk CEO of which she will develop a toxic relationship for fan service, so forgive me.
Gonna skip ahead to the scene where Yuri tells Victor that he’s leaving skating, and basically Victor too. (At this moment I realized I’ve been spelling Viktor with a c and not a k which is really fucking with my brain but it’s too late to go back). Victor starts crying and realizes just how Yuri felt when he was rejecting him.
I believe Yuri found some light in the situation because of that fact, which Victor was not having. They’ve been closer than ever now. They’ve kissed, they’ve also announced they they’re getting married, so what the hell?!
Yuri, as we know, feels he’s keeping Victor from the ice. Victor, while he misses the ice and wouldn’t mind being competitive again, has found meaning and if he’s going to be Yuri’s coach to stay where he is than so be it.
He wanted to coach Yuri because he wanted a worthy competitor and while he still wants that, what matters most now is his relationship with Yuri. If he stops being Yuri’s coach and Yuri goes off the ice he knows it will be the end. Yuri loves the ice too and I’d bet he’d try to distance himself from Victor as to not feel regret from leaving without actually knowing that he’s doing it.
They’ve grown so much at this point. But that doesn’t mean it’s over. After all they’ve been through Yuri doesn’t realize that consequences of parting from one another. While being too dependent on your spouse isn’t good, it’s what they both need right now. They are what caused the other person to be happy again and while I hate those types of storylines this one executed it perfectly.
I find Victor’s silent plea to Yurio absolutely heartbreaking. He knows it’s bad to put pressure on people but now he’s doing that to a 15 year old boy. He’s putting his relationship and his life into this child’s hands because he knows there’s nothing else he can do.
I do think Yurio had a crush on Yuri but even if he didn’t: Yuri has taught him so much. He, although being an ass most of the time, has really come to love Yuri as family. It’s clear that Yurio was always lonely (Otabek being his first friend and all) but once he came to Japan and lived, truly lived there, he wasn’t lonely anymore.
Yurio wins, Yuri gets silver and all’s well that ends well.
I guess my point of this was to show how well the relationship in YOI was. I could’ve included some more detail on some points but I usually write stuff in one take (it’s very hard to revise without my mind shutting on itself).
I just love how an implicitly toxic relationship can come out so healthy. They don’t do any of that miscommunication bullshit and when they do it’s because the characters don’t know what to do or how to handle something. Like humans do!
They could’ve easily made this the hot famous guy thinks the kawai girl boy is just so adorable and the kawai girl boy is absolutely infatuated with the hot guy. Hijinks ensue which includes the kawai girl boy thinking the hot guy is in love with someone else. She He gets pushed into thinking that she’s he’s more independent in the end and happily ever after for the couple that will divorce in less than five years! Yay!
Seriously, I thought that was what was going to happen but YOI subverted my expectations so much. They are people that grew from their bad mindsets. And you know what? Yuri still has anxiety! Victor is still bad with handling emotions! And that’s ok! We don’t change that quickly. It takes time and hopefully another season.
I’m definitely using this show as a template for healthy relationships. It’s so hard for me to properly write them when I’ve never been in one and I’m not given the chance to see it happen in different environments (when searching it up all I get is “they trust each other. They blame each other. They’re compassionate.” Like ok but can you show me how?)
Yuri!!! On ice…. I love you so much. You have done so much for my mental health and my writing. Thank you.
#yuri on ice#yuri katsuki#katsuki yuri#victor nikiforov#viktor nikirofov#please tell me if you want me to elaborate on some sections#long post#yurio plisetsky#yuri plisetsky#healthy relationships
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I love it when people talk about things they're passionate about, tell me something cool!! Anything you want, just something you find interesting or want to talk about :D
hello anon my beloved, I am in a bad mood so you will be receiving a passionate, yet lowkey of pissy rant about why villainizing bakugou makes me wanna vomit and its NOT just because I'm a dumbass kinnie :)
tws: child abuse (emotional and physical), near death expierences, bullying, kidnapping, suffocation, lots of trauma in general tbh. if you've seen bnha then basically just keep all the general triggering plot stuff in mind incase i missed any warnings
also, note: I havent caught up on bnha in a minute, I'm at like the start of the war arc but I barely remember shit there tbh so like. probs missing new stuff. also bnha spoiler warnings lol
so, for starters, the homie bakugou has like,, a good handful of issues that come from his childhood that explain why he's an ass. he was always praised and never actually reprimanded for being a twat which led to him having a huge ego that ended up fucking him over majorly. this ego was something that his mother acknowledged him having, but literally didnt try to fix it with anything other than violence. see here:
like, instead of trying to help him, she hits and insults him, which is probably what led to his weird inferiority/superiority complex. being constantly told by others that you're outstanding and one day you'll be a top hero because you're rude and aggressive and then going home and being hit by your mother for those exact same behaviors is bound to fucking confuse a child.
so like, now that we've established that its definetly canon that his mother (parents? I think he said parents at some point but masaru doesn't seem like the type so 🤷) hits him though we don't know how much or how often (though if bakugou was as much of a little shit back then ((which as far as we've seen- he was)) then it was probably often), lets talk about how regardless of all that 1) hitting your kids as "discipline" not only doesn't work but is abusive lol like idc if it's spanking/popping them on the mouth for talking shit, slapping them across the face "on occasion", etc. shits not okay 2) hitting your kids!!!! does not work!!!!!!!! it is literally PROVEN not to work!!!!!!!! hitting a child who has done something wrong doesnt teach them to stop doing something it teaches them to be scared of you, which will cause the child to withdraw, removing part of their support system (assuming said abusive parents would even offer that up) and will most likely lead to them thinking they're a bad person, not that their actions were bad, which are two different things. so, ya know, that would clearly have an effect on a kid. like, as someone with a mother who reminds me all too much of mitsuki: I have acted like a complete shitbag and taken my anger out on people to feel better in the past because of the way my mother treated me. though it was nowhere near what bakugou did, I still know first fucking hand what a mother hitting and insulting her child will do, especially if they have no proper outlet for that (friends, a safe place to vent) which bakugou never fucking had.
theres also the fact that just talking to your kid the way mitsuki does (saying it's his fault he was kidnapped because he's weak, all while hitting him) is not??? okay?????? ive seen people arguing that this was just a joke in poor taste but like her son was KIDNAPPED and even if it was a "joke" there's literally NO WAY that would EVER?? BE FUNNY??????? she just sounds like the kind of parent who at the very least says shit without thinking that would traumatize bakugou (because being told right after being kidnapped it's your fucking fault by your mother is absolutely traumatizing) but it comes across as her being emotionally abusive.
mitsukis character as a whole comes across as a shitty mom who doesn't realize she's a shitty mom and thinks bakugou being an ass isn't at least partially her fault even though she's admitted to realizing he has always had an ego problem and doing nothing to fix it except for hitting and yelling which obviously did nothing but make him just as loud and violent as she is.
this is obviously not the entire reason why he's a dick but he was never properly taught that the shit he was doing wasn't okay and people not stopping it and/or praising him endlessly even tho he was a bully is basically the same as encouraging it, thank you very much.
moving on from that, let's talk about bakugous other traumas and how he naturally responds to them. hint: it's with either full blown panic or a fight response (verbal or physical, though usually physical. also sometimes it's the panic followed by the fight response.)
so far in bnha (keep in mind that I am not caught up, I've only read up to the beginning of the war arc and i barely remember those bits so) bakugou has...
nearly died via sludge villain (he was unable to move and was being suffocated to death- keep this in mind)
lost for the first time ever and against deku of all people (this nearly sent him into a full blown panic attack, likely because of that sexy little inferiority/superiority complex combo. think of this as like. gifted kid burnout lite. he has always been the best of the best and now suddenly he is being beaten by somebody who has always been weaker than him, which immediately makes him start thinking he was never actually that good, he's actually a fucking failure, a goddamn fraud)
won the sports festival by default (bakugou counts this as yet another failure because todoroki didnt try his best. had bakugou lost to todoroki full strength, he would've taken 2nd place with a bit of bitching, but he still wouldve taken it rather than refuse the medal as it would be a reminder that he failed. instead of accepting that like UA shouldve, the staff chained and muzzled him on live television and then had all might, his fucking idol, force the medal into his mouth. remember the sludge villain incident and how he couldnt move and was suffocating to death? yeah.)
been kidnapped because of the way he reacted to winning during the sports festival (he was aggressive and tried to refuse the medal because he felt he didnt deserve it and was then retraumatized by being chained up and muzzled. his "villainous attitude" was a fucking trauma response, do not tell me otherwise)
was then chained up once again by the LOV after being kidnapped,,, do we see the "retraumatize bkg" theme yet?
"ended all might" (he literally blames himself for all mights retirement because had he just not have been weak, all might wouldve had more time, right?)
my point with all of these is that bakugou has been severely traumatized and has then had his trauma responses (aggression, fight) used to further demonize him. not all people with trauma react the fucking same and the way the fandom just refuses to acknowledge anger as a valid form of trauma response is gross as hell.
moving away from that topic, bakugou has literally never had any actual friends, they all just used him and didn't care about him which absolutely will fuck up a kid, especially one who already has all that other shit going on. bakugou deadass never had a support system or people to help him grow as a person, let alone properly work through his fucking emotions so it's not surprising that he would take out his bullshit on the one person who tried to help him especially considering he saw dekus actions as him thinking he was weak. bakugou was raised to not seek help, he thought somebody strong shouldnt ever need it, so for somebody like deku (who bakugou percieved as weak and helpless already) to offer up help? deku must obviously think bakugou is even weaker than him, what other explanation could their possibly be!
speaking of which, there's his heaps of insecurities that he basically hid by being a twat and bullying others for most of his life. kid was so insecure he bullied deku for fucking years cause he thought deku looked down on him, thought he was better than him, etc. and that only got worse bc his idol then decided to take deku in, train him and even give him his quirk. there's probably some shit im missing but still he's got issues and always has had issues. that being said, he's actually improving and working them out now which is what makes him a really good, interesting character. it's also nice to see a character who is a dick without some tragic backstory (like his backstory is sad but its not the classic "my family was fucking slaughtered and i turned into a raging bitch who murders people" type shit) bc that rarely happens and it's like most assholes don't actually have a story like that they're just assholes lol
now lets talk improvement! lil bitch has been getting better since he got into UA and im so happy abt it!! he had a rough start what with deku suddenly having a quirk and all but like he is really improving now and it highkey shows that bakugou just mostly needed people who 1) didn't constantly praise him and actually criticized him instead 2) actually fucking punished him doing stupid shit and 3) some motherfucking friends
Since going to UA he's gotten actually feedback from teachers about his weaknesses and how to get stronger, he's lost against others, hes been told he has a shit attitude and is a dick, told he should be nicer and leave deku alone, etc etc. He hasn't gotten in trouble too much with teachers but others give him shit for what he does and aizawa has punished him too, while still acknowledging that bakugou is an amazing and dedicated student, something which no one else had done up til that point. and uh???? homie actually has friends who like,,, don't use him and also call him out when he's a dick. like specifically kirishima has done this shit and him and bakugous relationship is clearly very healthy and beneficial for the both of them. makes me feel all happy n shit, ya know
bottom line is: while it is absolutely valid to dislike or even hate bakugou because he is a massively flawed person who has been very cruel to others, villainizing him for the way he acts which in large part seems to be from a lack of guidance, a shitty mother and heavy amounts of trauma, is fucking awful. his actions cannot be fucking excused, he needs to apologize and continue to grow, but he is also a fucking teenager, who is just now being told that the way he acts is unacceptable by people who dont fucking abuse him (and I swear to god if any people who think mitsuki isnt abusive interact with this fucking post I will fullstop hardblock you, I do not fucking care) and actually treat him like a normal person instead of some prodigy child or someone who needs to be fixed.
people are free to debate my points or whatever bc I know some of this stuff is up to interpretation but like. dni if you're just here to say you hate bakugou for xyz reason or that he's irredeemable. also especially dni if you compare him to fucking endeavor yall bitches make me gag.
anyways thxs for the ask anon <33 sorry this is a kinda messy info dump lol
#shit self#asks#boku no hero academia#long post#bakugou katsuki#yes i am a bakugou kinnie shut the fuck up /lh#this is all /nm btw its just so much easier to make my long posts aggressive yk#this is just how i talk irl but Better Formatted#info dump#kinz#anti mitsuki#discourse#bangerz
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Luke and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad 72 Hours
Imagine you’re a 19 year old working on a farm, and one day you buy some new animals from traveling merchants to help out around the farm - let’s say a goat and an ostrich. You’re cleaning them and getting them ready to work when you notice that the goat has a message tied around its neck. It sounds like the message might be intended for the kooky old guy who lives by himself out in the wilderness. You’ve met the guy a few times, you might even consider him a friend, but he’s mostly a mystery. You ask your uncle if he knows anything about it, but first he denies any knowledge and then he says the intended recipient of the message knew your dead father, and then he abruptly tells you to forget all about it.
Okay, weird???
That night, the goat runs away. The ostrich is freaking out about it. You go after it with the ostrich the next morning and find it making its way towards the old hermit’s house, but you’re attacked by a local gang and knocked tf out. When you wake up, the old hermit is there, and he takes you back to his place and drops the bomb on you that apparently your dead dad wasn’t who your family told you he was?? Apparently he wasn’t a navigator on a fishing boat, he was a pilot and a samurai warrior, and he was fucking murked by his samurai buddy??? And while that earth-shattering revelation is still fresh in your mind, Hermit Dude reads the rest of the Goat Message. Apparently it’s from a princess, and she’s asking Hermit Dude for help in a massive civil war that’s been going on. She says this goat is a Very Important Goat, and it’s carrying information that’s essential to the war effort that could restore prosperity to the entire world.
Hermit Dude then immediately sits back, looks you in the eye and without preamble says, “You’re going to have to learn how to be a samurai warrior if you’re gonna come with me to the big city and help this chick and save the war effort.” And you’re like “??? learn?? to be a samurai?? Big city?? What in the frick frack paddywack are you babbling about? Listen dude I got shit to do, I can’t just go off on this wild goat chase. But look, if it means so much to you I’ll give you a lift to the nearest town so you can go on your own.”
But on the way to town, you come across those traveling merchants you bought the goat and ostrich from - all dead, their caravan trashed. “This wasn’t the gang,” Hermit Dude says, “The government did this, and made it look like it was gang activity. They were looking for your Goat Message.” You race back home, only to find the smoldering remains of your farm, and the charred skeletons of your family laid out on the doorstep.
With nothing to do, nowhere else to call home, and a newfound revenge-driven fury in your chest, you return to Hermit Dude and say, “Make me a samurai like my apparently-murdered father, yo-yo master Hermit Dude. I’ll go help the war effort with you like the princess asked.”
So you all head off to this shady-ass small town run by crime lords. The government is already there, looking for the goat, and Hermit Dude hypnotizes these two military guys like it’s no big deal, sooooo apparently he can just do that? Okay, neat, neat, neat. Hermit Dude then chops somebody’s fucking arm off right in front of you in a bar fight (what the fuck), and long story short you end up selling your car so you can hitch a clandestine ride to the Big City in this fast-talking cowboy’s RV, which looks like it’s held together with spit and duct tape. Cowboy Guy’s best friend is this 7-foot-tall dude with so much hair and beard that he could probably hide weapons in it. The military arrives and you barely make it out of the parking garage, and you end up in a fucking car chase before you make it to the highway and get the hell outta dodge.
BUT THEN you finally arrive at the Big City, and it’s gone. There’s nothing there, just the ruined wasteland of nuclear rubble where the government dropped the bomb (which by the way was JUST invented). And as far as you know that’s??? Never happened before?? So, that’s terrifying. (Also keep in mind your home was razed and your family was brutally murdered like less than 24 hours ago so THAT’S still fresh.)
There’s one little government truck that sees you and takes off. Cowboy is like “Let’s shoot their tires out before they go report to somebody,” but there isn’t anybody around to report to. EXCEPT FOR THE CITY-SIZED BATTLE STATION ON WHEELS THAT ABDUCTS YOU, RV AND ALL. What the fuck is this? Since when did this exist??? They pull the RV into their parking garage, but you hide under the floor panels, surprise-attack some soldiers and steal their uniforms. You sneak into a control room, hoping to shut down the station’s power and escape, but while Hermit Dude goes to cut some power cords, you notice some records lying around. And, hey, what’s this? The princess that wrote the Goat Message? She’s here on Massive Battle Station? SCHEDULED TO BE EXECUTED??? Well, of course you can’t let that happen! Cowboy is grumpy about it but you manage to convince him.
Using your military disguises, you manage to find and save the princess from her cell, almost get crushed to death in a trash compactor while escaping from the prison section, and arrive back at the parking garage pursued by hordes of soldiers - only to witness Hermit Dude, your only remaining link to your home and your old life, get sliced in actual half right in front of you.
There’s another one for Trauma Bingo!
(P.S. you’ve also now killed several government soldiers in your escape. You’ve now killed people. You’re a killer.)
You manage to escape in the Duct Tape RV with Cowboy, Beard, Princess, Ostrich and Goat, but you’re followed by some government cars. You climb up on the roof to engage in an at-speed shootout with them, because after the last 36 hours, this is the least weird thing you’ve done. Firefight with government forces? Yeah, sure, what the hell. No big deal, honestly.
So now not only are you family-less and homeless, but you’re DEFINITELY on some sort of government list of known criminals. Guess there’s no going back now; you’re part of the rebels whether you want to be or not! Thankfully you’ve still got that grief-driven justice quest going on, doubly compounded by witnessing the murder of your mentor.
The RV makes it to the secret base where the rebels have been hiding. The Very Important Goat is finally delivered, and it coughs up plans for the gigantic battle station. So far, so good. Except, curses! The government tracked you here! Looks like the fight happens now. Game on, jackass government. Game on. “That’s impossible!” cries one pilot, to which you reply, “Nah, I basically did it all the time back home.” You sign up to fight: a pilot, like your dead samurai dad.
Why was a 19 year old civilian with some bush-plane experience (??) allowed to sign up to fly a fighter plane? We’ll never know.
Also, the goat comes on the plane with you.
Cowboy collects his payment and takes off, which you’re not happy about, but at least you’re reunited with your BFF from back home. So at least you have one single connection to home left.
Until he dies. RIP.
You try blowing up the Enormous Battle Station the normal way, but the disembodied spirit of Hermit Dude appears in your head and tells you to use your Magical Samurai Powers. You do, and succeed in blowing up the Big-Ass Battle Station just as Cowboy arrives again to take out the Big Baddie who killed Hermit Dude. The Traveling Nuke Factory is destroyed, the evil government has taken a big blow, and you get a shiny medal in a ceremony with your new friends.
So, let’s recap. In the last, oh, 2.5 days or so, you’ve gone from living your everyday life to seeing everything you know and love destroyed, to becoming a traitor to the evil government and a rebel, to fighting in (and winning) an intense military battle thanks to your fledgling Magic Powers, to now being the poster child of the rebellion.
You need therapy.
But at least the goat’s okay.
#star wars is wild#star wars#a new hope#sw: a new hope#luke skywalker#this is why luke went dark in ESB#the kid needs hella therapy
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StanQuest
Something clicked on in my brain a couple months ago and suddenly Sebastian Stan became the hottest man alive. So I decided to watch everything he’s ever been in. A friend and I called it StanQuest.
Here are my spoiler-free reviews for anyone considering something similar (in inverse chronological order starting with latest works and going back in time. The stars are an overall rating of the work, not of Sebastian’s performance.
This only lists things I could find streaming for free or a price I was willing to pay. It does not count after credits scenes, music videos, or works in which he was uncredited.
The Falcon and the Winter Soldier (2021) - TV show - ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ - This started it all. I very much enjoyed it. Good balance of humor and action, heart and heroics. I’ve watched it four times already, and will watch it again. Bucky Barnes is my favorite character of his and this is my favorite story of Bucky's so far. I can’t wait to see what he does next. (And I have a lot to say about how they treat his trauma in this show. I’ve definitely written about it before and may again.)
Monday (2020) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐ - This is the one where he gets naked. If that’s all you’re looking for, enjoy. It was a very realistic portrayal of a relationship between two deeply flawed people. It can get depressing. But hey, penis.
The Devil All the Time (2020) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐⭐ - If you think Monday is depressing, this movie says “hold my beer”. But something about it is just captivating. It’s really disturbing, and if you’ve ever been screwed over by American Evangelical Christianity it might be more disturbing. Still, I’ve watched it twice. And as much of a bastard as Lee Bodecker is, he also looks really cuddly. He’s just barely in it.
The Last Full Measure (2019) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐⭐ - You will cry. A lot. It’s based on a true story. Sebastian plays a man who cares more about his career than this weird quest dumped on his desk by his boss, but changes his mind and his heart as he investigates why a war hero was denied a medal of honor 34 years before. Definitely recommend.
Endings, Beginnings (2019) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐⭐ - One of two love interests in the complicated life of Shailene Woodley’s Daphne, Sebastian is an adorable mess. The editing is interesting and fresh feeling. Watch it and you’ll see what I mean. Fair amount of sex in this movie, and you see his butt. It’s a very nice butt. I’ve watched this one a few times so far.
Avengers: Endgame (2019) - Movie - ⭐⭐ - There is no reason to watch this movie if you’re not familiar with at least most of the rest of the MCU. It plays merry hob with the rules of time travel, and only makes sense if you don’t really think about it. In my opinion, the ending is really freaking stupid comsidering his character’s history, but at least it sets up TFatWS, which was amazing.
We Have Always Lived in the Castle (2018) - Movie - ⭐ - If you’re into movies that are creepy but also almost nothing happens for most of the movie, this is the one for you. Sebastian is handsome as hell, but also a complete asshole. As fine as he is, I’m not gonna watch this again. I fucking hated it.
Destroyer (2018) - Movie - ⭐⭐- I had a hard time paying attention to the plot because it seemed like they made this movie just to get Nicole Kidman an Oscar nomination for wearing ugly makeup and playing a complete mess of a person. It’s a fine movie, and all of the performances are good. Sebastian looks surprisingly good with the short hair and goatee. Ultimately, the plot is depressing and the whole movie seems kind of pointless.
Avengers: Infinity War (2018) - Movie - ⭐⭐- Again, no reason to watch this if you aren’t already familiar with all the movies leading up to it. It’s long and the villain looks like Grimace and a California Raisin had an evil baby. The ending made me scream with frustration that I had to wait until the next one came out. Now I just watch them back-to-back if I watch them at all. It’s not a good movie, but it is part of a long-form story that I enjoy in general.
I’m Not Here (2017) - Movie - ⭐⭐- Another depressing one. Told over the course of one man’s terrible life, it’s a sad account of how much your parents can fuck you up. Sebastian portrays the middle part of the man’s life. J.K. Simmons plays the current day part and unreliable narrator.. Do not watch unless you are fully prepared to be sad for a really long time after.
I, Tonya (2017) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐- This movie is hilarious. I mean, the true story is insane and really stupid. The spousal abuse is hard to watch, and Sebastian’s mustache in this is a war crime. But the acting is great and it’s a very engaging movie. The parts that aren’t horrifying are pretty funny.
Logan Lucky (2017) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ - Watch. This. Movie. Sebastian Stan is only in it a little, but it’s a really fun, clever caper/heist movie and everyone in it is fantastic. I don’t want to say anything else about it if you’re going in fresh. I’ll be rewatching this one a lot
Captain America: Civil War (2016) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐⭐ - If you ignore how kind of silly the conflict over the Sokovia Accords is, this is a good Marvel movie. Sebastian gets a lot of screen time because Bucky is the more pressing concern/urgent point of contention than the Accords. Bucky is my favorite character of his partly because of this movie.
The Martian (2015) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ - I’m watching it(again) as I’m typing this. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve watched it. Sebastian Stan isn’t in it very much, but he’s very cute and so is his little story arc. Mostly I watch it because Ridley Scott made a fantastic movie. If you can get your hands on the Blu-Ray, it comes with a ton of extras. They made a very complete story that isn’t all seen in the movie. A lot of it is stuff about Mars, but there are also extra “crew” interviews, so there’s another chance to see more of Sebastian’s character.
Ricki and the Flash (2015) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐⭐ - He’s not in this very much, but he’s very cute when he does appear. It’s all about the relationship between Ricki and her daughter. Definitely rewatchable. Meryl Streep is fantastic, because she’s Meryl Streep.
The Bronze (2015) - Movie - ⭐ - This is not a good movie. It’s about Olympic gymnastics, so it might be slightly more interesting right now while the Olympics are happening. Sebastian isn’t in it a lot, but his performance is certainly… memorable. Weirdest sex scene I’ve ever seen. Worth watching just for that.
Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ - This is the one I can watch over and over. I bought a Winter Soldier face mask for when I need to feel like a badass. Bucky’s story is really sad, but he’s also extremely sexy with the metal arm and determined walk.
Once Upon a Time (2012-2013) - TV Show - ⭐⭐⭐ - This show is so stupid, but it’s also fun. If you haven’t seen it, the premise is that fairy tale characters are real and live in another land. Snow White’s Evil Queen casts a spell to transport a bunch of them to a town she creates in Maine called Storybrooke, and gives them all fake memories so she can be mayor and watch them all not remember who they are. Sebastian plays Jefferson, a.k.a. The Mad Hatter. He’s in a few episodes in season 1 and 2, and doesn’t get a ton of screen time, but he’s really cute and tragic as Jefferson. It probably helps to watch the whole first season just to understand his episodes, but that’s up to your tolerance for weird shit. Note: IMDB says he’s in an episode uncredited, but I’ve watched it and didn’t see him anywhere in that one.
Labyrinth (2012) - TV Mini-Series - ⭐⭐⭐ - Two episodes that tell a complete story. Sebastian isn’t in this one a whole lot, but he is adorable. It’s a strange story about religious stuff and a sort of Holy Grail that’s three books. It’s hard to describe. It’s on Amazon Prime right now, but they’re taking it down August 8, 2021, so watch it while you can.
The Apparition (2012) - Movie - ⭐ - If you like horror movies, you might like this. I did not. From what I understand, it’s not a very good horror movie. Watch with caution and expect it to suck.
Political Animals (2012) - TV Mini-Series - ⭐⭐⭐⭐ - I had to buy this through Apple and watch it on a Mac, but it was worth it. Sebastian plays TJ Hammond, the out gay son of a former American president who is clearly based on Bill Clinton. Sigorney Weaver plays the former first lady and current secretary of state. TJ struggles with addiction and relationship problems. His performance is heart-wrenching. The whole show is pretty great. I wish there was more of it.
Gone (2012) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐ - More of a psychological thriller than a horror movie. Sebastian has a small amount of screen time as the worried boyfriend. Amanda Seyfried is good. She carries the film well on her own.
Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ - If you haven’t seen this yet, I’d like to know what it’s like under your rock. This is a movie I can rewatch a lot, and have. I 100% cried in the theater. Sebastian looks fantastic in uniform as Bucky Barnes. This is his introduction and the start of his ultimately tragic story (before he’s saved by his best friend, again).
Black Swan (2010) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐⭐ - Sebastian is barely in this. He’s basically just in one scene in a dance club. But I watched it to try to complete StanQuest, and I had seen it before. It’s a good movie, but might induce some nightmares, depending on what scares you. If Natalie Portman didn’t at least get a nomination for an award she was robbed.
Gossip Girl (2007-2010) - TV Show - ⭐⭐ - Carter Baizen is a little shit. The episodes with Sebastian in them might have made more sense if I watched the show from the beginning, but I didn’t want to. His character is an asshole, but a very cute one.
Hot Tub Time Machine (2010) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐- The people who made this movie are bad at math, and their rules of time travel are sketchy at best, but it is funny and entertaining. Sebastian plays a ski patrol bro who’s paranoid about the Russians, which is hilarious irony to me. Worth watching if you want to laugh at something dumb.
Kings (2009) - TV Show - ⭐⭐⭐- Sebastian plays Jack Benjamin, the closeted gay son of the king of a fictional place. It’s loosely based on the David and Goliath story from the Bible. Sebastian is so sad and so gay. His family makes his life a living hell. Ian McShane is a force of nature in this. It’s only one season. I’ve watched it twice. I will watch it again.
Spread (2009) - Movie - no stars - This movie was practically unwatchable. It stars Ashton Kutcher and Anne Heche as a romantic couple, I guess? I ended up just skipping to Sebastian’s scenes and only watching those. Still painful.
The Covenant (2006) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐ - This movie is so fuckig stupid, and I will watch it a ridiculous number of times. It’s about magic and teenagers, like The Craft for boys. Nothing about it makes sense. It’s terrible, almost irredeemable, but an evil Sebastian with magic powers is a siren song that will make me steer my boat right into the rocks.
And there you have it. There are a bunch of earlier things on IMDB that I just can’t find or don’t want to pay to rent. Maybe some day I’ll watch them and add them to this list.
#sebastian stan#bucky barnes#the winter soldier#the falcon and the winter soldier#james buchanan barnes#monday: movie#the devil all the time#the last full measure#we have always lived in the castle#destroyer#endings beginnings#i'm not here#i tonya#logan lucky#ricki and the flash#the martian#the bronze#once upon a time#the covenant#spread#kings: show#Labyrinth: show#hot tub time machine#black swan#gossip girl#gone: movie#political animals#the apparition#movie reviews#celebrity crushes
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Me again (again) asking for laxus 😔 uhhh let's go with how he got together with his s/o (I love this man too much) headcanons or scenario I don't mind 😊
how he ended up with his s/o - laxus dreyar
authors note: the struggle was real for how i wanted to write this skamsnf but i did it and i hope i made you proud. its very much all over the place but i do really like it! (also i know i’m terrible at kissing scenes, leave me alone)
reblogs are very much appreciated
pairing: laxus dreyar x gn!reader
warnings/genre: lots of swearing, angst, implied smut, fluff if you squint
you were fuming, smoke was practically coming out of your ears from how pissed you were
you couldn’t believe that he did that, again
Laxus Dreyar, that son of a bitch
as much as you loved the man, he had a tendency of cock blocking you on purpose.
Laxus loved to medal with your love life- he basically controlled it and stopped you from having some fun any chance he got which annoyed you endlessly
anytime you were flirting or dancing, even just just talking to another human being he would take it upon himself and step in ruining your night 99% of the time
now tonight was one of those nights..
you were dancing with someone, nothing terrible but Laxus didn’t approve of the person who you were dancing with like every other person you thought was attractive
so he stepped in, almost getting into fight the person which you had to stop. you ended dragging Laxus out of the guild and to your apartment so you could scold him once again
“I don’t understand you sometimes. Why? Why was that necessary?” you asked him, it was clear you were extremely tired of this constant game. Rubbing your hands over your face, you stared at Laxus, who was leaning on your countertop, finding the floor more interesting than this same old argument you two had been having for weeks.
“They aren’t good for you,” he mumbled carelessly. You scoffed, standing up from your seat.
“You don’t get to decide that, Laxus, I do!” you shouted, throwing your hands up in frustration, pacing around your couch.
“Y/n, listen-”
“Why? You never do, so why should I have to listen?” You interrupted him, preparing to go on a rant. Laxus look up at you as you turned away from him.
“I am tired of you parenting me and deciding what’s good for me! It’s my fucking life Laxus. Do you understand that because I don’t think you do? Whoever I chose to fuck or date has nothing to do with you, so stop budding in just because you don’t like the vibe they give off. You never let me give anyone a chance! What’s your damn issue? We just were dancing, but no, Laxus had to have it his why cause he’s just a selfish asshole who doesn’t give a shit about anyone else but himself.”
You stopped to breathe, turning around to see his reaction. You were not impressed that he had felt the need to try and fight the person you were casually dancing with, having a fun time, but no, Laxus didn’t like that.
“Y/n I’m-”
“You’re what? Sorry? Please, you didn’t seem so sorry twenty minutes when you tried to knock that poor person. Do you suddenly care because someone is finally not taking your bullshit?”
“Y/n listen to me.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m telling you to!” Laxus finally snapped, catching you off guard. You quickly shut your mouth, staring at him wide-eyed; Laxus was not one to lose his cool so fast.
“You wanna know what my issue is so bad, right Y/n? Well, it’s you!” He walked right up to you to where you were almost touching. You looked taken back but swallowed down your sarcastic comment.
“You are so quick to fall to your knees as soon as some random person is nice to you. Who the hell have you become? What happened to the old Y/n hm? The one who wasn’t so quick to jump in bed with someone they barely know.”
“Excuse me-”
“What? It’s true, almost every week, you have someone new in your pants.”
“And you haven’t been doing the same?” You accused. You could feel his hot breath on your face due to the lack of space between you both. Laxus quickly shut up after that comment, letting out an irritated groan.
He moved away from you, and an uncomfortable silence fell between you two. You stared at his back, thinking what to say next.
What was the reason for your latest actions? You weren’t one to let go, especially that much. Maybe it was the fact that you were trying to get rid of your feelings for your irritating best friend. You didn’t want to accept that you fell for someone who you were sure would never like you back in a million years. It made you sad when you’d hear Laxus had another thing with a different person almost every week, but unnoticed to you, he was dealing with the same feelings.
Laxus felt terrible, he really did, but he wouldn’t give up his pride and admit his newly discovered feelings to you. He took him a bit longer to realize he had actual feelings for you, yes he’d been medalling with your love life for a while, but at first, he didn’t know why he was getting so angry seeing you with different people until one night it just kind of hit him like a truck.
“Laxus.” You softly called out, sitting back down on the couch. He didn’t move, but you knew he was listening.
“You know we aren’t dating-”
“You think I’m already aware of that?” He spat out but quickly regretting his tone at your frowned expression.
“You have to stop doing this.” He turned to you and sighed.
“I know, but I can’t-”
“Why?” you interrupted him, slightly raising your voice, causing him to give you a look.
“Sorry.”
“I don’t like it Y/n. I-it bugs me,” He sighed once again. You looked down at the floor before looking back up at him.
“How do you think I feel?” you sadly smiled at him. Laxus looked at you, confused but curious.
“You have so many people fawn over you, and I don’t like it.” you watched him look down and chuckle to himself, making you the confused one and bit taken back at his sudden change in mood.
He walked over to you, which made you shoot up from your seat. Laxus stopped right in front of you like before, your chests almost touching, and his hot breath lightly brushed your face. This time instead of feeling angry rising instead of you, it was nerves. You felt his hands move to your waist, lightly grasping it. Your face went bright red at the sudden contact.
“Laxus, what are yo-”
A harsh kiss planted on your lips interrupted your question. Your body went into shock for a few seconds until you could register what was actually happening.
Finally, letting your brain figure out that yes, in fact, your best friend was currently kissing you in the middle of your living room, you kissed him back, moving your hands to wrap around his neck, pulling him closer to you. You felt Laxus’s right hand slightly moved towards your back as he leaned deeper into the kiss.
The two of you pulled back, gasping for air. You yet out a laugh, looking at him.
“I’ve been wanting to do that for so long.” Laxus chuckled in response, pulling you into a hug.
“Me too.”
#fairy tail#fairy tail laxus#fairy tail fanfiction#fairy tail fanfic#fairy tail imagines#fairy tail imagine#laxus dreyar fairy tail#laxus dreyar imagine#laxus dreyar headcanon#laxus dreyar imagines#laxus dreyar
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THIS BITCH FUCKING DYING XD XD X'D
This is a lighthearted comedy fic, but I’m going to give a warning for mention/talks of suicide and death.
Now this may be a shocking sentiment to share; but being in a killing game fucking sucked, even if you were Momota Kaito. As ludicrous as that statement appears, heroes had a tough time in tragedy too. Kaito found himself feeling disappointed more often than he would like at the sight of his companions distrusting each other. How were they supposed to work together and escape if people were “scared” that they would be “murdered”?! Kaito believed in trust to the bitter end and he would see that philosophy through. To point the finger at others and accuse them of murder is simply what the mastermind wanted him to do, and if Kaito was anything he was not a loser.
But that’s part of what made his sidekick so incredible! No hero was complete without his supporting role! Of course, Shuichi was much more than a supporting role. In many ways he was the protagonist of his own world (Kaito is still the hero of this story, make no mistake). Even though Shuichi relied on the motivation of others to see himself through, he was probably one of the most capable men he’d ever met. His intinution and detective skills were essential to each trial when his thoughts weren’t fogged up by mental recoil. And despite his reclusive demeanor, he was a good friend to have that everyone wanted the best for. Shuichi was Kaito’s sidekick and it showed! For his sidekick had to stand on his own as one of the best!
...Well, maybe sometimes Shuichi didn’t have a leg to stand on because he didn’t look so dependable laying face-down on the ground.
“Shuichi! Are you- what are you doing?”
Shuichi was down on the ground in front of his Ultimate Lab with his foot stuck propping the door open. He didn’t lift his head up when Kaito called out his name, instead opting for a string of gibberish and raising one hand off the ground.
“No, seriously. What are you doing?” Kaito propped the dizzy detective up against the wall, catching him as he nearly swayed back down to the floor in response. Kaito took note of his flushed face and unfocused demeanor. There wasn’t...booze in this killing game right? That would suck. A killing game and booze wouldn’t mix well. Although some may disagree and say a pint is just the pick me up after watching one of your friends be slaughtered.
“M-Momota-kun…” it seemed Shuichi was gathering his bearings again. He braced himself against Kaito by gripping his sleeves.
“Alright, c’mon Shuichi. Let’s get you to the others. I’m sure they can help us out somehow!”
“Ah but...first things first…” Shuichi looked up at Kaito with a determined resolve in his eyes typically reserved for class trials.
“If I die, it’s a suicide.”
Huh?
Huh?
HUH?!
WHAT?!
“Shuichi?!” Kaito shook Shuichi by the shoulders until he looked ready to pass out and keel over for good, “Why would you do that?! You have so much to live for!”
And Shuichi had the damn nerve to look exasperated by the panic, “Ack- Momota-kun please calm down it was an accident!”
“How do you accidentally kill yourself?!”
“Well it happens all the time really but-”
“That’s not reassuring coming from you! Just-” Kaito took a deep breath to steady his frustrations, “why the hell are you dying?”
“It’s- haha, well uhm, it’s a bit of a funny story you see-” Shuichi stopped his ramblings at Kaito’s unimpressed glare, Shuichi sighed and slumped over with a sense of shame and embarrassment, “I was in my lab familiarizing myself with the various poisons in case anyone tried to use one, but ended up dropping a bottle of powder on the floor and inhaling quite a bit.”
“T-that sounds pretty serious…” Kaito mumbled. “How do you treat a toxic inhalant?...How do I help you..? Just say the word and I’ll be there, sidekick!”
Shuichi closed his eyes and rested against the door. After a moment he said “At this rate, people will assume you killed me since you were with me all this time. So, to prove that it was a suicide-”
“Shuichi I asked how to save you not how to solve your murder.”
Shuichi tilted his head with a fog of puzzlement in his eyes, “...but solving murders is what I do?”
“Well don’t do it right now! I’m trying to prevent your death!”
“Hm.” Shuichi seemed to have to rethink his evaluation, but the situation hadn’t changed. “This is a killing game, Momota-kun. I don’t think surviving or saving is on par with the course of action the mastermind planned out.”
“W-well if there’s a poison, there’s an antidote right?”
Shuichi shook his head, “No, there’s probably enough materials to make one, but... I’m not a chemist.”
“Let’s ask Iruma to make one then!”
“She’s not a chemist either.” Not to mention Shuichi didn’t trust any sort of edible concoction Miu put together. He wasn’t sure what she would create, but he did know it would make him want to die even faster.
“Ok then, let’s ask Harumaki!”
“Wh- Momota-kun, Harukawa-san kills people!”
“Yeah, so maybe she knows how to unkill people too! I’m pretty sure she can do basically anything.”
Shuichi, with his head now in his hands, decided that it would be easier to simply go along with Kaito’s antics. His body felt weak and gross and his head was splitting, which was a shame because in all honesty that powder had smelt nice. If only it didn’t leave his lab in need of a quarantine. It could’ve been a good candle scent. Or perhaps Shuichi was just veering into delirium. Dying will do that to you.
He was definitely veering into delirium because one moment he was staring down at his hands and the next he was being carried by Kaito. The worst part of it all was that it didn’t match his daydreams of being romantically carried bridal style by his crush. Instead he was a heavy sack of dead weight plopped against Kaito’s back trying to keep his nausea down as Kaito descended a set of stairs.
“Wh-what’re you doing?” Shuichi mumbled upon realizing that he couldn’t remember Kaito’s plan. If he had one.
“We’re going to get you help!”
Shuichi thought it was a pretty bad idea. It would just make the trial even more confusing and he wouldn’t be able to clarify since corpses don’t make for good witnesses. Even if he wanted to voice that though, he ended up in a nasty coughing fit that left him gasping for air.
“Dammit!” Kaito hissed out, “If only Tojo was still here!”
That Shuichi agreed with. If Kirumi was here she would somehow manage to create a cure even though that was absolutely not in the job description of a maid. Her backstory concerned Shuichi quite a bit.
“There he is!” Kaito yelled out, picking up his pace from a light jog to a full run.
“We’re...w-w’re going to ask him for help...?” Shuichi mumbled, before letting out a loud groan, “no, that’s okay...j-just let me die then.”
“Oi Monokuma!” If it weren’t for the imminent danger that would result from it, Kaito would be throttling Monokuma until something broke. “You have to help Shuichi, dammit! Give him a cure or some shit!”
Monokuma tilted his head, looking up at Kaito with pseudo-innocence, “are you stupid or something?”
“Wh-” Kaito nearly lost his anger in confusion, only for it to come back tenfold, “you have to help him!”
“No I don’t, lol.” Monokuma shrugged, “I think the bastard dropping dead would be great! Honestly any of you mistakes would do, he’s not special or anything.”
“He’s our detective!”
“Yeah, you lot are screwed without him, huh?” Monokuma let out a cackle, curled in on his stomach like Shuichi dying was the highlight of his day. “Sounds so beary hopeless to be without a protag, huh! Man we’ve lost two protags in one show, that’s a new record! Someone write that down, I want a medal!”
“I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about…” Kaito shifted Shuichi higher up on his back, ignoring the mumbles in his ear of what evidence to use in the trial, “but don’t start planning yet! Shuichi isn’t dying on my watch!”
Monokuma nodded, “yeah, you are stupid.”
“Fine then I’m going to Harumaki! She was my first plan anyway since you’re so useless!”
“Useless?” Monokuma’s voice wobbled, his head tilted down like a child being told to apologize for wrong doing, “and after all I’ve done for you too...I don’t have to provide you lot with food and shelter, you know.”
“Ahh shut up! We don’t have time for your weird feelings!”
The world became another dizzying blur as Kaito ran off yet again. “Don’t worry Shuichi! I’m taking you to Harumaki! She’ll have everything figured out!”
---
“You inhaled a toxic powder from your lab?”
Shuichi nodded.
“And you’ve gotten no treatment this entire time?”
Shuichi nodded.
“How are you not dead already?”
Shuichi shrugged.
Maki sighed and pinched her nose, wondering how the hell these two idiots got themselves into such a mess, “Saihara, I always thought if you were going to die it would be from murder and not from some bullshit like this.”
Which was a fair assumption really. Being the detective among them, the group learned to rely on Shuichi’s deductions to solve the murders. Without him, there would be a lot of chaos that the killer could use to trick everyone. Wait. Why has no one tried to kill Shuichi again? Shuchi couldn’t tell if he was a lucky man or not, but considering he was currently dying on his crush’s back it’s safe to say he leaned towards unlucky.
Maki turned to Kaito, glaring at him in a way that said she wanted to help but the situation sucked to do anything, “what exactly do you want me to do about this?”
“Save him, of course!”
“I’m not a doctor. I’m the opposite. I kill people.”
Shuichi wished desperately that he could say “I told you so”
“Look Harumaki, we can’t just let him die like this! We’re his friends so we have to do whatever we can to help him! Not just for us, but for Akamatsu too! She wanted him to live!”
Harukawa’s steel glare seemed to melt a little at that.
“So we need a plan!” Kaito said, “and the plan is to save Shuichi!”
“That’s not a plan, that’s a goal. And it’s a stupidly impossible goal too.”
“Nothing is impossible!”
Shuichi wondered if he could just close his eyes and die to avoid all the yelling he’s had to endure today.
Another voice joined the conversation with a loud cry of “what’s impossible!?” It was none other than Iruma Miu, confidently placing herself into the scene when no one asked her to. Kiibo was with her, following at a much slower pace with an expression that screamed second-hand embarrassment. With her hands on her hips and a smirk on her face, she ensured all parties had their eyes on her before speaking again.
“Because this hard-headed freak is right! Nothing is impossible with my beautiful plump brain around! What is it you’re looking for? A new way to pull off a fictional r18 move? I knew you three were depraved, but don’t worry Mama Miu has got it covered-”
“No, you idiot.” Maki cut her off without a drop of sympathy. Shuichi didn’t have any sympathy either though, so really it was just relatable. “Saihara is dying.”
“Eh? What?” Miu’s voice fell into a submissive whimper. She curled in on herself and fiddled her hands together. “That doesn’t sound good…”
“Yes dying is usually not good.”
Kiibo worriedly hovered near Kaito, trying to get a good look at Shuichi, “is he ok?”
“No. Because he is dying.”
Miu seemed to have panic in her eyes, “he can’t die! Not yet anyway! Who killed him huh?! Who’s trying to escape?!”
“Iruma!” Kaito ignored her questions, “you can save him, right?! He was poisoned, and you always say that you can do anything!”
“I-I mean yeah I can but… but I don’t know anything about biocompatibility... I honestly just put things in the body and hope it works…I would need more time...”
“Then what about you Kiibo?! Maybe you can...I don’t know- analyze the poison and come up with a cure!”
“My algorithm doesn’t do that...I could do a Google search if we were given WIFI access though...”
“Dammit does anyone have an idea to save Shuichi?!”
“Oh! Oh!” Miu raised her hand, “I’ve seen people induce vomiting in movies to stop poison! That’ll work, yeah?!”
Maki, realizing that this conversation was going to draw out far longer than to her liking, pulled out a chair and sat in it, “first of all: do not do that. Second of all it was an inhalant. I don’t think that will stop his lungs from shutting down any time soon.”
“I know!” Kiibo turned to Miu with a determined look, “Iruma-san! Repurpose my wiring so that my hands function as a defibrillator!”
“Did you not hear what I just said?” Maki asked.
“Well it might stop Saihara-kun from dying if his heart stopped!”
“There’s nothing we can do.” Maki stressed, “we just have to lay him down, monitor him,, and hope he lives”
“Harumaki that’s the same as giving up!”
“Hey hey!” No. God dammit. Sure, let’s keep complicating the dialogue. Shuichi was having a very bad day. Could this poison just finish him off already instead of leaving him on death’s doorstep? Fucking rude. Ouma Kokichi, hearing the glorious sounds of frantic arguing, skipped over to the group with a peachy look on his face.
“What’s wrong with you all? You’re acting like somebody died.” Kokichi did a dramatic gasp, covering his mouth with his hands, “did someone die?! Did someone finally kill Keeboy?!”
Kiibo stopped debating with Miu to give Kokichi an unimpressed look, “seriously?”
“Nishishi- yeah, I guess that would be too lucky.”
“Can you take something seriously for once in your life?” Maki glared, “because somebody will die if we can’t figure this out. Saihara inhaled a toxic powder and we aren’t sure how much time we have left to save him.”
“Ehh?” Kokichi’s face turned from confusion to worry. He’d clearly thought Maki was messing with him until he saw Shuichi’s half conscious body draped over Kaito looking very much like a victim of poison. Just as quickly as his expression changed it turned into an over exaggerated ploy they’d all seen a million times. His eyes filled with tears, his lip quivered, his nose started to sniffle. With a hiccup in his voice he began to whimper, “one of you guys is trying to kill my Saihara-chan?! I thought you all were preaching about friendship and trust and ending the killing game!”
Kokichi tilted his head back as he fell into a full on sob. A loud childish ear-breaking wail resounded as tears poured from his eyes with practiced ease. “You guys are so awful!” he yelled in between his sobs, “how could you do this?! Saihara-chan can’t die!”
“Would you shut the fuck up, flat ass!’ Miu yelled.
And just like that Kokichi’s sobs had turned off. A complete 180 from his previous demeanor. It was like he hadn’t cried at all. His eyes weren’t red and puffy, his nose was dry, and his body was relaxed and poised. He stared camly down at his fingernails, examining them as though this situation was nothing more than a slight inconvenience to his day. “I’m serious, you know. I would never joke or lie. Saihara-chan can’t die, this game wouldn’t be the same without him.”
Kaito nearly asked Kokichi what he meant. Did he care about Shuichi? Did he care about their survival? Was he finally coming around?
“Oi Monokuma!” Kokichi yelled. Monokuma bounced into the scene as though he was on Kokichi’s beck and call. “Hey did you know that Saihara-chan is dying? Like right now? And we’re all just watching that?”
Okay. Maybe he wasn’t starting his redemption arc then. Maybe he’s still the same piece of shit Kokichi.
“Ouma, what are-”
“Of course I know! It’s pretty funny, huh Ouma-kun?”
Kokichi laughed along with Monokuma, as though they were cut from the same tree. But then suddenly he was back to that semi-disappointed demeanor. “Yeah. Saihara-chan is dying. And doesn’t that really suck? This game is going to sooo be terrible without him. In his trial I bet we’re all going to die because these morons can’t think without him. You know that too, don’t you, Monokuma? WIthout Saihara-chan your show is going to be cut off in this most annoying and unentertaining way. Ahhh I can’t believe this is how the game ends. After all that build up too. I don’t think I even want to be a part of this any more honestly. I’d much rather pig breath die.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, oh.”
Monokuma seemed taken aback by Kokichi’s analysis. He pondered it for a moment, nervously looking around and imagining all the lovely executions that would go to waste if Shuichi died right now. With a sigh he pulled out a very suspicious bottle from-...actually where did he pull that bottle from? Not important. What was important was that there was finally a cure in front of them, the one they’d been asking for all this time.
“Give him this and the brat should be good as new!” and with that Monokuma popped away.
Kokichi, holding the vial, smiled brightly at the others, “Here you go! Don’t let Saihara-chan die again okay! I don’t care if any of you others do but Saihara-chan is very special m’kay?”
…
…
...
“So you mean…I really could have asked Monokuma for a cure?! The bastard was just lying to me!?”
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January 16, 2021: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2014)
I am a massive comic book nerd. Not unusual these days, to be fair. But I’m definitely up there, as far as my obsession with Marvel and DC go. And, yeah, I stick mostly to those two houses, and their various imprints.
Why do I bring this up? Well...remember this movie?
Kick-Ass was a pretty big deal when it came out in 2010, as it was a Marvel Comics movie that was completely unrelated to the relatively new Marvel Cinematic Universe. Based of a 2008 comic book written by Mark Millar and drawn by John Romita Jr., the film was directed by Matthew Vaughn, and featured a more realistic take on how real-world superheroes would actually work.
Vaughn and Millar by this point at least, were friends. Around 2012, they’re getting drunk at a pub together, and talking movies. The topic of spy movies come up, and how there hasn’t really been a good, non-parody, fun spy movie, and that there should be. And that was the bulk of their conversation.
Enter Dave Gibbons, a legendary comic book artist, whom you may know from drawing the comic book that was turned into this:
Oh yeah, he’s a big deal. Gibbons and Millar end up getting together to write a fun spy comic book based on this idea. Vaughn, meanwhile, is getting ready to direct X-Men: Days of Future Past, the sequel to X-Men: First Class, which Vaughn directed. That’s a good movie, by the way, even if I have...issues...with the treatment of the X-Men in film. Maybe one day I’ll get into that, we’ll see what happens. Ask me about it if you’re curious.
Anyway, Millar goes to Vaughn with this script, and Vaughan looks at it and realizes that he needs to direct this movie before somebody else makes it. So he leaves Days of Future Past, and he signs on to...
I feel like it’s an obligation, as a comic book dude, to watch this film. I should also read the book, but I didn’t do that with Kick-Ass, so to hell with it! Let’s get this recap started! SPOILERS AHEAD!!!
Recap
Starting off with some Money for Nothing, and somewhere in the Middle East, 1997! We go into a stone temple, where some kind of mission is taking place. A surprise grenade causes the loss of one of the agents. The surviving agents are Merlin (Mark Strong), Lancelot AKA James Spencer (Jack Davenport), and Galahad, AKA Harry Hart (Colin Firth).
Hart, feeling guilty over the death of this agent, tells his wife, Michelle (Samantha Womack) and child Eggsy (yes, Eggsy) of his sacrifice, and gives Eggsy a medal.
From there, we jump forward 17 years, to Argentina where...Mark Hamill?
Holy shit, it’s Mark Hamill! Apparently, he’s playing Professor James Arnold, and being held hostage by a group of mysterious men. Just then, he’s rescued by Lancelot, showing up with some classic James Bond-style swagger and asking for a cup of sugar, sardonically.
He kicks the asses of these guys, but is SLICED IN HALF BY A MAN WITH SWORD LEGS WHAT THE FUCK????
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was watching the best thing I’ve ever goddamn seen. And as if that weren’t enough, she’s working for Samuel L. “Motherfucker” Jackson, playing Richmond Valentine. I am...I am so pleased.
We go to the Kingsmen headquarters, where Lancelot is being mourned by the Kingmen and their leader MICHAEL CAINE, REALLY, HOLY SHIT
Ahem. Sorry, uh...the star-studded cast has basically caused me to have a minor aneurysm. Caine plays Arthur, the leader of the Kingsmen. Get it? I can dig it, I’m a sucker for a good Arthurian reference. Anyway, now that Lancelot’s dead, it’s time to find a new candidate. Apparently, the man that died 17 years ago was part of an “experiment” by Hart, which Arthur says has failed. Galahad calls Arthur a snob, and says that they need to evolve with the times. \
Speaking of that former candidate, how’s his son doing?
Not stellar, it seems. His mom is dating a very unsavory gentleman, and not really taking good care of her youngest daughter. Eggsy (Taron Egerton), on the other hand, is a carefree delinquent. After engaging in an entertaining backwards car chase with the police (it’s cool), he gets arrested. He refuses to give up his friends, and he instead asks for a phone call.He looks at the medallion around his neck, and remembers that he can use the number of the back to contact someone for help. He uses a specific code phrase, but it appears not to have worked. But then, Eggsy is turned loose with little more than a phone call. That’s when Eggsy meets Hart.
We find out that Eggsy has a high IQ and Olympic-level athletics, but has dropped out of the Marines, and has been arrested for drugs and other illegal activities. After being read out by Hart, Eggsy goes on an anger-filled diatribe about the differences in privilege between the two of them. Although it’s short, it’s a powerful speech.
But that speech is interrupted by the owner of the car that Eggsy stole the previous night, as well as his gang. They’re yearning for a fight with Eggsy, and they threaten Hart. He doesn’t take that well, as he shuts the doors and windoes to the pub. Time to teach a lesson.
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Yup, I’m giving this fight the posted video award. It might be short, but it’s also one of the best and coolest sequences I’ve ever seen in a spy movie. And OH, it’s giving me that gadget shit I was missing from the Bond movies.
After one of the most enjoyable fight sequences I’ve seen in a while, Eggsy’s understandably stunned. So is his stepfather Dean (Geoff Bell), the leader of the gang that Hart beat up in the pub. He’s not happy, and he beats Eggsy in their apartment, and that scene is...WHOOF. Much to their surprise, however, Hart’s left a device on Eggsy’s back. He threatens Dean through the device, and tells Eggsy to meet him at a tailor that he’d mentioned.
Once Eggsy escapes from Dean and the gang via nest parkour tricks, he makes his way to the tailor, where Hart officially brings him into the fold, giving him the opportunity to become a Kingsman. He exposits the history of the agency as a private group of spies, meant to protect the world while not bowing to the bureaucracy that plagues government-affiliated spy institutions.
We get to go to Kingsman Headquarters proper, and yeah...yeah, it’s cool. As compared to the other recruits, Eggsy’s pretty obviously out of place. This, of course, is part of the point, as Hart believes the Kingsmen could use someone with different life experiences and background. That would be the experiment mentioned earlier.
Eggsy’s competitors include Roxy (Sophie Cookson), who appears to actually be polite to him, unlike most of the potentials. They settle in for the night...but not for long. Their quarters fills with water, as the entirety of the Kingsmen head towards the showerheads and toilets for air. While they all succeed, Eggsy is the one who actually gets everyone out, by literally punching the window.
Unfortunately, for one of the candidates...it’s too late. These candidates could die in the hiring process. Rough.
Sadly, Mark Hamill also doesn’t quite make it, as Hart finds him, surprisingly freed from Valentine’s capture. As he’s questioned, Valentine is forced to kill him via Suicide Squad implant, and barely escaped from his men. Valentine and his henchwoman, Gazelle (Sofia Boutella) are trying to figure out who the Kingsmen are, to no avail at the moment.
Back with Merlin, who’s training the Kingsman candidates! They’re all told to get a puppy! Aw. Eggsy chooses J.B. a pug, under the mistaken impression that it’s a bulldog. And I’m not a pug person...but that puppy is cute as shit.
Time marches on, and the Kingsmen continue their training. Eggsy’s colleagues continue to discriminate against him, especially Charlie (Edward Holcroft). Hart, who was knocked out by the explosion, eventually wakes up. Valentine goes around to political leaders and proposes his plan to “save the world,” whatever that’s about to mean. Apparently, that includes giving the King of Sweden a surgical implant of some kind. Huh.
This, of course includes some, uh...conflict with Gazelle.
Awesome.
Eggsy’s in the final 6! As Hart congratulates him over this, we finally get some exposition on Richmond Valentine’s plan. See, that implant is the Suicide Squad bomb that killed Hamill, and Gazelle also has one. Additionally, he’s released a plan to the world that will provide free internet and phone data...forever. Not ominous at all, that.
After a cool skydiving training sequence, only three candidates are left. Hart, meanwhile, poses as a wealthy philanthropist, donating to Valentine’s cause. As a result, he’s treated to an extravagant dinner...of McDonald’s. Yes, it is the best product placement I’ve seen in a while, in case you were wondering. That reveal was hilarious.
Anyway, their conversation turns from talking about climate change studies and concerns, to their opinion of James Bond movies, in a lovely little piece of meta flavor. At this point, they would appear to understand each other’s role in the play, as it were. Forgot to mention, Valentine’s been kidnapping anyone who disagrees with his goals, while also distributing his free internet cards. So, there’s that. But he’s also trying to figure out what exactly the “Kingsmen” are. Speaking of...
Our three remaining Kingsman candidates are assigned a mission to seduce a young dignitary. However, all three of them make a mistake, and allow themselves to get drugged at a party, by someone wanting to know who Hart and Kingsmen are. When Eggsy wakes up, he’s been strapped to train tracks. Uh oh.
Despite an oncoming train, Eggsy doesn’t give the man any formation. Which, of course, was the point. It’s Hart, helping to give the Kingsman candidates a little loyalty test, which both Eggsy and Roxy pass with flying colors. But Charlie...Charlie’s a coward who immediately gives everything up, including Arthur himself.
Eggsy gets to spend 24 hours with Hart, before being thrown headfirst into a mission. Hart explains that being a Kingsman means being a gentleman, which Eggsy isn’t. Hart, of course, plans to fix that.
They head to the tailor, and check out some spy gadgets. And much to their surprise, Valentine is also there, under the guise of getting a suit. Hart takes the opportunity to recommend a hatter, who gives him a top hat with built in listening devices. I love it.
Eggsy, meanwhile, speaks with Arthur at Kingsman HQ. He’s commanded to perform one final test: kill his pug, J.B. Which...yeah, damn, that sucks. He doesn’t do it, understandably. Unfortunately...Roxy does kill her dog. She succeeds...and Eggsy’s kicked out of the Kingsman candidacy. Which feels like a bullshit play, if I’m honest.
Eggsy steals Arthur’s car, then goes back home. As he’s about to confront his stepfather, Hart brings back the car via remote access, then explains to Eggsy that the gun was filled with blanks, and that Eggsy ended up giving up his shot. He also reveals that the first candidate to die...didn’t actually die! It’s been a ruse all along, meant to test the candidates under the strictest of conditions. Which sucks, obviously, because Eggsy’s out of the program.
And at that point, Valentine says something of note, revealing that he plans to go to a hate church in Kentucky to begin his master plan. Hart heads there, and tells Eggsy to stay put.
We get treated to just...just the loveliest of sermons. Disgusting. But then...
...that’s the point, isn’t it?
Because Valentine uses the SIM cards to create a signal that drives the parishioners crazy. Hart’s also in the church, however, and he also starts going crazy. Which leaves the question: what happens when a highly trained spy goes up against untrained civilians, has a bunch of gadgets...and has absolutely no restraint whatsoever?
A MASSACRE, THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS. And most surprisingly, it’s a massacre that we actually SEE. Hart basically kills almost EVERYBODY in the church. I’ll put the video up, but...y’know, be warned here. It ain’t pretty.
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Hart comes to, and realizes exactly what he’s done. He leaves, only to be confronted by Valentine and his men. The Bond metaphor finally comes full-circle, explained directly by Valentine. But instead of explaining his whole plan and devising some complicated way to kill Hart that he’ll inevitably escape from...
He just shoots Hart in the head. Holy shit. And this is while Merlin, Arthur, and yes, Eggsy watch on through Hart’s home feed. Looks like a new Kingsman is needed.
Arthur tells Merlin to assemble the Kingsmen. But Eggsy...Eggsy has other plans. Thinking on Hart’s words about wanting to do something good with his life. He goes to Arthur to talk to him about Hart’s death. Arthur invites him in for brandy. And that’s...when my mind exploded.
HE’S FUCKING IN ON IT?!? Michael Caine, NOOOO! Turns out that Valentine’s convinced Arthur of his true plan: a culling. He believes that the Earth’s temperature because there’s simply too much humanity, like a body trying to kill a virus. And so...he’s going to make the virus exterminate itself. And that argument’s enough to win Caine over.
Turns out that the implant is meant to protect those individuals against a neurological signal emitted by the SIM cards, the same one that went off in the church. Arthur, realizing that Eggsy understands exactly what’s going on, poisons him, then asks if he would like to join them. Eggsy refuses...and Arthur sets off the remote poison to kill him.
But NOPE! EGGSY SWITCHED THE FUCKIN’ GLASSES! I love this movie. Arthur dies, and Eggsy uses the opportunity to dig the implant from his neck. He takes that and Arthur’s phone to Merlin and Lancelot, who realize that they can’t trust anyone at this point. And so, the three of them - yes, the three of them - go to stop Valentine.
And, yeah...I can dig it. OH HOW I CAN DIG it.
Roxy goes up in an experimental vehicle to bring down the satellite, Merlin is flying the plane, and Eggsy...Eggsy’s the one going in disguised as Arthur, in order to infiltrate the mountain lair of Valentine. Here, he and the other beneficiaries wait it out, while the world literally tears itself apart. Now wearing a bespoke suit and playing the role of a gentleman, Eggsy enters the lion’s den.
But as expected, it’s time to hit some snags. Roxy waits juuuuuust a little too long, and one of the balloons in her craft pops. As for Eggsy, he meets an old “friend” of his in the form of Charlie, who’s now working for Valentine.
The missile’s fired just in time, as Charlie’s taken out and Eggsy runs for the plane. AWESOME climax here as Eggsy escapes. I mean it; it is VERY cool. They succeed JUST in time, and the satellite is destroyed. However, Valentine’s still managed to partially start the process, and they can’t do anything about that.
Eggsy’s gotta go BACK in, before Valentine gets another satellite to trigger the signal worldwide. Now armed with Hart’s AWESOME umbrella, he makes his way there under heavy gunshot. They’re also teaming up against Merlin in the plane, so he’s not doing great. And that when Eggsy has the idea...to turn the implants on. ALL of them.
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It’s amazing. Violence in fireworks. So, it’s too bad that it doesn’t stop the signal. It works, and people start to tear each other apart all across the world. But only for was long as Valentine has his hands on the desk. Eggsy manages to stop that by laying down some suppressive fire.
That provokes a response.
..This movie is, for lack of a better term, fucking rad.
Gazelle and Eggsy have an awesome fight, worthy of any James Bond movie, seriously. I really want to give it the video post honor, but I’ve done that too much already. For god’s sake, I literally JUST did that.
Gazelle dies (it’s kinda goofy how she dies, if I’m honest), and Eggsy kills Valentine with her prosthetic leg. It’s over, as the signal ends, and Eggsy even gets the girl. Not Roxy, the Princess of Sweden. Not going into it, but it’s funny.
And that’s Kingsman: The Secret Service! Honestly, I gotta say, that was a rad-as-shit movie, and...
Ooh, a mid-credits scene! Eggsy goes back home, to the pub, where his stepfather and mom are hanging out with the gang. And let’s just say...Dean’s gonna get a little comeuppance. Manners, after all, maketh man.
OK, THAT’S Kingsman: The Secret Service! And that, again, was pretty rad. See you in the Epilogue in a few!
#kingsman the secret service#kingsman#kingsman tss#kingsman: the secret service#kingsman: tss#matthew vaughn#mark millar#dave gibbons#taron edgerton#eggsy#eggsy unwin#colin firth#harry hart#galahad#michael caine#arthur#chester king#samuel l jackson#richmond valentine#mark strong#merlin#sofia boutella#gazelle#365 movie challenge#365 movies 365 days#365 Days 365 Movies#365 movies a year#user365#action january
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anybody who knows anything about me will be able to tell you i spend a bunch of my time ice skating & i’ve never seen a guide on how to write a character that figure skates , so i thought i’d compile some tips & explain things , because my whole childhood i was travelling across the country to spin on ice with nothing on but a leotard & some tights , and now i have nothing but a bunch of tacky costumes and this post to show for it . this is pretty in-depth , about 2.5k words , but if you have any questions about specific aspects or want me to clarify anything , feel free to shoot me an ask . oh & a like or reblog if you found this helpful would be sweet ! tw : injury, mental illness, eating disorders
most people that wind up as figure skaters started ridiculously young. i was probably six, but at my rink, we train kids as young as four and five. if your character has competed professionally at a state-wide level or up, they most likely started super young and have been professionally trained. figure skating is not a sport that you can do casually, most of the time. ice skating, casually, however, totally different thing. but competitive figure skating, being on a figure skating team, and the like, it’s a lot of effort, time, and discipline. in a lot of families, it’s a tradition to teach your kids to ice skate. at my rink, there’s a lot of people who come from slavic families whose parents signed them up - or athlete parents in gen. so, if your character is SUPER GOOD, they’ve put hundreds of hours of work into it, and have years of practice. it is not something you can pick up in a day, and i’d even say you have to be at it for at least two years before you get good good, and it takes a while to even become comfortable on the ice before you can start to do any kind of trick - THAT is why they start young, so by the time we’re pre-teens, we’re really, really good. the problem happens, famously, at puberty, because your balance gets knocked off, your bones are growing, and you have to basically relearn everything you know.
there are so many different types of figure skating. i specialize in singles, but i’ve done showcase and solo dance ( but both of those skills are more for me to be a well-rounded skater, not for competing ), and would sometimes be put into pairs to help learn skills and work together. you NEED to be in one of these categories for competition because they are what all comps are based upon. singles is, as you think, one single ice skater individually doing their routine. singles will do various dances, jumps, spins, etc. i won't lie, it’s hard, and really, really competitive. singles is the most competitive of all these categories. it’s usually a short program ( jumping, spinning, steps - the easier portion of competition because it’s really just a routine that you need to get down pat so you can boost your score. you will learn to do it in your sleep. ) and then a free skate ( longer than the other, it’s more complicated and difficult ). pair skating is really, really difficult, tbh, and you need a good relationship with whoever you are doing it with because there’s a lot of trust involved. it’s hard to break into pair skating because you need a partner that you’re equal to in skill and you like as a person. you guys spend a lot of time together and you need to get along. you guys need to be equally proficient at ice skating. most pairs get put together when they’re still very young. it’s very difficult to from singles to becoming a pair skater. it’s two skaters and they skate around each other, they lift each other, and move in synchronized patterns. it’s highly technical, like all figure skating, but it is more difficult because you have to keep in mind both your own feet and someone else’s. you do NOT want to bump skates with someone. at best, that is very uncomfortable. at usual/worse, you’re both about to eat shit on ice. in pair skating the partner that lifts needs SO much strength. like, so much. i’ve tried to lift fellow skaters, who are the same weight as me, and it’s near fucking impossible for me. ice skates are HEAVY and skaters have a lot of lower body muscle. we are not light people. for example, once time my team and i were out of practice and just skating around and we started playing around and i did a cartwheel on ice and i fell very hard. wiped tf out. and that’s me, trying to handle my own weight. like singles, it’s a free skate and a short program. pair skating is typically male + female ( what a sad world, i know ), but i encourage every writer to take some suspending of reality. ice dance is, basically, dancing. it’s a lot more performative than other types of skating. it’s done in pairs, but can be performed alone, in a different category called solo dance. in the nicest way possible, singles/pair skaters usually look down a bit on ice dancers because it’s a bit less technical, and doesn’t have any jumps of lifts. but ! that doesn’t mean it’s easy because it’s not. it’s rooted in ballroom dancing and they have two parts of competition: rhythm dance and free dance. fun fact: pair ice dancers scott moir and tessa virtue, who are famous to be suspected dating, are the reason we had a no dating rule at the rink. showcase ice skating is usually for some kind of platform, or in front of a large crowd. i’ve done showcase for investors for our rink. there’s usually costumes involved ( there are costumes for all competitions, but their costumes are more, like, theatre - y ), and props, and acting. it’s actually very fun to watch, but you need acting skill. theatre on ice, however, is just what it sounds like. theatre on ice is popular with children and good for ways to show off an entire team of skaters, because you can have eight to thirty skaters on the ice. they can also compete and they can go international, but they aren’t in the olympics and there aren’t many competitions for them. it’s usually just a fun way to get together with your teammates, bond, and then show off what you did.
so, competitions. super complicated, and as a writer, i suggest really glossing over them, because it’s difficult to get it down completely right. there are nonqualifying and qualifying comps. the difference is that in qualifying competitions, you’re looking to start moving up, basically, so if you qualify in the first one, you go onto the next one, then state eventually, then national, and so on. you start with regionals ( singles ) / sectionals ( pairs and ice dancers ). then, if you succeed, you go to sectional singles / pairs + ice dance finals. the goal is to get on the national team ( i’ve watched ameatur skaters tell other rinkmates they want to compete in the olympics - it was NOT pretty ), basically. which, let me say this. it is nowhere. near. easy. like, just go into youtube and search “ yuzuru hanyu “ ( gold medal in pyeongchang olympics for mens singles ) and watch ANY of his performances. now he’s the gold medalist, right. he started at four years old. so let’s go smaller. google elsa cheng and watch one of her routines. she’s a member of the us national figure skating team. she’s fifteen. YEAH. not an easy sport. nonqualifying is more laid back and for fun, or trophies. nonqualifying is also a way to practice before you enter into qualifying. competitions are really nerve-racking. it’ll cause stress between you and your rinkmates, because more often than not you’re going against one another. you and your coach will usually spend all the prep season creating your two programs, which you will almost always repeat in every single competition you attend. i have about 20 different routines stored in the back of my head. sometimes my coach would give us exercises of coming up with a routine during a time restraint. my friend junior learned a routine that was on yuri on ice.
for competitions you arrive, you get ready. you’re almost always wearing some kind of elaborate costume/dress leotard thingy. this is a time to start getting mentally ready, talk to your friends, and do each other’s hair and makeup. costumes are bought way ahead of time, and are usually related to the theme of your routine. you do NOT want a wardrobe malfunction. it’ll mess you up & you’ll lose precious points. your hair will most likely always be back and, more often than not, braided or in a bun. the comp will begin and you have a practice session so that you can get warmed up and ready. it’s not long. you will get the music for your program played one by one, and you rehearse - this is usually to check to make sure your music is right & to get acclimated to the ice then you get off the ice and another group will warm up. your coach can’t be on the ice whatsoever, and has to stay outside the rink. usually, competition order is done by a random draw. one by one, you will do your routine. no one but you can be on the ice. then you go off to the “ kiss and cry “ ( because you’re either about to celebrate or get your ear chewed off by an adult in a tracksuit ) where your score gets announced. then, competition continues. your warmup + when you start is not based on how you placed in the last part of the comp ( usually started with lowest ) and you perform the second routine. then, and this is usually determined by like how serious the competition you're going to, but there are trophies handed out, a podium ceremony is held, or medals or flowers are given out. my coach would always make the team pose together after competitions and go out to eat - lots of coaches hold bonding exercises esp after comps. if we did well, we could skip our 9 am practice. if we did poorly, the team meets up at a local park and runs the three-mile trail, and then they do technical corrections at the rink. after your medal/etc ceremony, you’re done. sometimes the top people will perform, but by that time you’re usually exhausted and want to sleep for a billion years ( or, if you did really well, you want to go eat 15 ihop pancakes and conquer the world ). the competition season is from august to april. this is a BASE of what happens. it’s different at different kinds of competitions and for different categories of skating, but it’s almost always something like this. offseason is for practice, rest, and fun, basically, but if you're a serious skater, by the time you’re hitting july, you’re spending more time at the rink than at home. the most well-known and the hardest competitions to qualify for are the grand prix, europeans ( european championships ), worlds ( world championships ), and the, of course, olympics.
another aspect of almost any professional sport is injury. think about any ice skating routine you’ve seen. there is no protection. you’re wearing a thin sheer leotard. you have basically knives on your feet. it’s VERY easy to get yourself beat up by ice. the ice is very hard and not very forgiving. meaning, if you hit, you hit hard. you usually are putting a lot of force into it, too, because you’re falling. don’t even get me started on the BRUISING. you will look like you have gone thru something, all the time. ice skates, which have to sharpened routinely, are, as you imagine, SHARP AS FUCK. knife shoes. i’ve been recreationally skating, because i work at a rink, and just monitoring the skaters and usually messing around with my rinkmates, and i fell, and i sliced open my thigh. i didn’t need stitches, or anything, but there was blood everywhere. very gross. ( ask abt this answered here ! ) and i wasn’t even doing anything particularly hard. and this has happened before. they WILL cut you. ankle injuries are super common. i’ve seen someone break their ankle feet away from me. i’ve twisted my left ankle five times. as for dislocations, they also happen a lot. when i was twelve, i was at the top of my figure skating career. i was qualifying to competition after competition. during a regular, normal practice, i was doing a jump i had usually aced, and i landed the wrong way and i dislocated my knee and blacked out. it’s a very disgusting injury and extremely, extremely painful. like, a good 50k in hospital bills for the surgery to fix it. i was very good and it was my favorite activity on the planet, but it was so awful that i quit. when i was fourteen, i started skating again, joined my team, etc, etc, but it was very difficult to recover from. and that’s a very common story. most people get injured and they have to stop. i know a girl who got a bunch of concussions, and wasn’t able to skate. i’ve been concussed on the ice. people tear their acls or their hip. we have a sports medic at all figure skating practices and comps. and a lot of injuries, once you hurt something, you will hurt it again because you made it weak. we are all very flexible but overuse will make your bones brittle. there’s also stress fractures and different things you can get from just overworking your muscles. shin splints, tendonitis, jumpers knee, etc. you name an overuse injury, and i’ve had it. i was one so exhausted after practice that i laid down on the ice and cried until my coach ( who i love very dearly ) gave me a bag of skittles and told me to suck it up. that’s not saying my coach is a bitch ( john mulaney vc my coach is a bitch and i like her so much ), that’s to say there is no break, no stopping. you get better, and move on, or you quit.
as-is with basically any competitive sport, if you get serious, you will probably go onto some sort of diet along with it. you want to be eating a lot of nutritional stuff ( granola bars are HOARDED in my locker room & to this day i gag at the sight of protein shakes ), anything with a lot of calcium ( because we do be breaking bones ! ), and iron. i used to eat pasta before comps ( like wayyy before not an hr or anything ) because it gives you ~energy~. you need to be eating a lot because you’re exercising a lot. gatorade is banned by my coach because it's so much sugar. you need to drink so. much. water. we all take a bunch of vitamins. usually will eat chicken / meat in general. but keep in mind, like any sport in which you are cutting things from your diet / eating specific things / etc, it can easily lead to an unhealthy relationship with food. there’s a lot of shitty mindsets you will encounter with coaches and fellow competitors about what weight a figure skater should be, and it's even worse in pair skating ( because of lifts ). when i was eleven, one of my old coaches told me that she hoped i never hit puberty because it’d fuck up my balance & when i did i cried. a fellow competitor once told me she wished she had my “ figure skater “ body ( and at this point of my life, i had very unhealthy eating habits ). another time a group of older kids made fun of how gangly i was while i was in earshot. the amt of times my coach has SCREAMED at ice skaters for making fun of / putting down fellow ice skaters is astronomical. it’s rough. a lot of figure skaters have opened up about how figure skating caused / contributed to their mental illness. it’s very easy to fall into because of how “ perfect “ you need to be. you can look up various figure skaters stories on this: adam rippon, gracie gold, and yulia vyacheslavovna - a very famous one as it was part of the reason her career ended & she was the youngest ever skating gold medalist. and i will say, personally, my unhealthy relationship with food ( that would eventually lead to lots o problems & i still feel the impact of today ) began when i was figure skating. there are other risk factors for mental illness as well because there’s so much focus on winning / losing. more than once, competitions would give me panic attacks because of the great stress.
another thing is MONEY. as fucked up as it is, you need money, or a grant, if you want to get good. you need expensive skates, costumes, travel fees, and more. my pro figure skates, not my casual ones, cost upwards of 300, and that’s low balling it. when i was ten, my parents spent upwards of 10k on figure skating. there are rink fees, there are competition fees, there are coaching fees. it adds up extremely quickly. i know a lot of skaters who stopped competing because it was just too expensive. i work for my rink by teaching classes and monitoring open skates and additional things, but if i added up every single dollar i ever made, it would be nowhere near enough to pay for everything. but the thing is, if you get really good, you can make money off of competitions, but getting there is the hard part. at one point in my life, my parents were paying $100 an hour for my private coach who i was seeing multiple days a week. figure skaters also oftentimes will take additional classes to help. my coach made the entire junior team take ballet one year. i took a ton of gymnastic classes as well to help with skating.
so, who are the kind of people that ARE figure skaters ? what do we act like ? there’s a lot of stereotypes that figure skaters are cold people. that’s not necessarily true. i would say that we are extremely competitive people. i’ve seen rinkmates get into full-blown fights during competitions. one of my best friends, who i met at my rink once i returned from my hiatus, HATED me because she knew i was competition. we are on-edge. stakes are high and the pressure is on. a lot of us are very perfectionistic because you sort of got to be to get to our level. we can have control issues and we can become easily frustrated if we flop jumps or keep stuttering coming out of a spin. the other stereotype is that we are super delicate little flowers. probably because of the way we have to move. realistically, we’re a tactile bunch of people who would probably wind up hurting someone if we played hockey. ( another stereotype : figure skaters and hockey kids. the closest i’ve gotten to a hockey player is the one time i threatened to quick him in the nads because they came early and insisted we get off the rink. ) we all love skating and have a lot of fun while doing it. it’s dangerous, and that’s part of the thrill. speeding around the rink at extremely high speeds is, honestly, exhilirating. we love our sport and, though we can get on each other's nerves, love our rinkmates. it’s not easy, but it’s our favorite thing to do.
#writing guide#character guide#sport guide#rph#rpt#i wrote this in a shakespearean fury#can u tell i miss my rink : (#i should be doing finals !#ch: axel mendoza
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