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mixsethaddams · 1 year

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Throwing my hat into the latest trend of Shovel Talk posts. tw reference to past child abuse (not detailed)

Eddie gets the shovel talk from no less than five people.

Dustin, Robin, Erica, Max and Lucas. (Those two came as a pair, as they so often did since the Vecnapocolypse) Actually, technically six, if you count the fact that Dustin kept saying And Will Said...

They all say in and around the same thing. Steve deserves the world, he's been the babysitter for longer than Eddie's been the DM, blah blah blah. Honestly, Eddie's getting a little tired of people assuming he'll hurt Steve and leave him heartbroken. By the time he closed the door after saying goodbye on the final He Means More To Us Than You Do conversation, he was left in no doubt that the kids expected him to fuck up royally and they would not hesitate to choose Steve when (not if, as far as they were concerned) it happened. They would never forgive him. It was good to know where he stood, he guessed.

What Eddie didn't know, was that Steve was getting a few shovel talks of his own.

Wayne was first, obviously. Steve wasn't surprised to be pulled aside at the Byers/Hopper barbecue to listen to some very unsubtle threats about what might happen to him if Eddie came home with so much as a pout Even One Time, Boy, You Hear Me?

More surprising, was Joyce.

Joyce came by one night under the pretence of bringing by some leftover lasagne. Steve offered her a tea and they sat in the kitchen together while she asked polite questions about how things with Eddie were going. When Steve was done telling her all about the constant butterflies in his stomach, she clasped his hand gently across the table.

"I'm happy for you sweetie, I am,"

"Thanks Joy–"

"But you need to understand that Eddie is a fragile boy, and he needs real love, Steve. He's not the type to be happy with a, what do you call it, a fling? He's not the type for that,"

Steve was taken aback.

"This isn't a fling, Joyce,"

"Can you promise me that? I remember him from when he was just a kid and, god, well, I'd hate to see him hurt,"

Steve's mouth was open and closing like a fish, totally at a loss for words.

"Steve, can you promise me that? I know you're grown now and things are different, but I need you to say it for me,"

"I promise, I... I'm not who I used to be,"

Joyce patted his hand.

"Good boy. I better get home,"

And then there was Hopper.

Hopper knocked on the front door of the Harrington house early one Saturday morning, three sharp thuds on the door that made you think, Yup, Cops Are Here.

Steve answered still half asleep, barely aware he'd even pulled on a pair of sweatpants.

Hopper didn't accept the invite to come inside. He noticed Eddie's boots by the door.

"He here?"

"Uh, yeah, has been since yesterday, why? Did someone say he done something?"

"No, he's not who I'm here for,"

"What? I haven't done anything?"

"Good, and I expect you to keep it that way,"

Steve didn't know how to react. His eyes were still adjusting to the daylight and his brain hasn't quite woken up yet.

"Hop, I don't know what you're talking about,"

"El told me that you all know about the night he went to live with his uncle, says he told everyone the basics when Jon was worrying about turning out like Lonnie,"

"Yeah, he told me some more about it after too,"

"Figured he might,"

Steve shuffled from one foot to the other.

"I still don't know why you're here..."

"I was the one who carried him out of that house that night, Steve,"

"Oh,"

Oh indeed. Hopper's voice was gruff and low. Steve was actually nervous.

"I listened to him cry for hours. He couldn't breathe it was so bad. I never wanted to hear another child even speak after having to sit in the room while he told Wayne what went down,"

"I–"

"And I don't think I'll ever be able to sit right with the idea of that kid being sad again, because of someone else messing with him. I never forgot what he sounded like when he cried. Don't make me have to see him cry again, Steve. Do you understand me?"

Steve was stunned. All he could do was nod dumbly. There was no point offering any sort of defence, Hopper obviously wasn't here to listen. He was here to tell. Of all the people Steve might have thought would be on Team Munson, the former chief of police wasn't exactly top of the list. Eddie's distinct lack of criminal record through his teens might have been some indicator though.

Hopper gave Steve a curt nod and turned back down the driveway without another word.

He closed the door and leaned against the wood, letting out a low breath. Eddie appeared at the top of the stairs, rubbing his eyes.

"Baby? Who was that?"

"Uh, Hopper..."

Eddie huffed a sleepy laugh.

"Hmm, shit, Law Man swing by to make sure I was behaving myself?"

Steve went to Eddie and pulled him into a tight hug, nuzzling into his hair. He really had no clue, did he?

"He was just checking in,"

Eddie hummed and went towards the kitchen to switch the coffee pot on. He had told Steve about the shovel talks he got from the kids earlier in the week. Trivial threats about leaving Hellfire and never helping him write a song again or going to one of his shows, taking back his Walkie privileges, things that seemed like the end of the world to a group of minors. Eddie had wistfully mentioned that Steve would never have to worry about being on the receiving end of something like that, he didn't think anyone really cared enough. Maybe You'll Get A Weird Look From Wayne, But I Think You're In The Clear, Golden Boy.

Eddie had no idea about the people that were looking out for him without him realising it. It made Steve's heart hurt. He'd half expected Robin and the others to have words with Eddie. It was almost a joke, he hadn't thought twice about it because he just kind of knew it would happen. He knew they cared, and he couldn't imagine how it would feel to be so sure that they didn't. That no one did.

Steve made a promise to himself then and there to never let Eddie feel like no one cared enough ever again, giving himself his very own version of the Don't Hurt Eddie Munson shovel talk.

It was the least Eddie deserved.

(Also posted to my ao3)

#steddie #steddie ficlet #steve harrington #eddie munson #steve and eddie #steve stranger things #eddie stranger things #my writing #seth writes #shovel talks

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yyyyanyan · 1 month

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Book Club: Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir

the stars aligned (I was a minute too late to sleep for the day on Pokemon Sleep) so I finished reading Project Hail Mary and holy shit

High points: aliens!!!!!! so much aliens so many aliens so many so many so many aliens. Rocky (the alien) is so fun too goddamn

Low points: Not into the amnesia bit (it felt too deus ex machina to me), kind of a melancholy ending

I am honestly so blown away by the aliens? like holy shit the aliens. just holy shit. aliens. I think Weir just does such a good job and it (as a science un-knower) it felt so believable to me. I love Rocky to bits and his language was also mindblowing to me?? I think that's the part of me that thinks linguistics is so interesting but I seriously could not imagine what an alien could be like (actually, before Rocky appeared on screen, I even thought the alien might look just like a human) much less think about how they could communicate. My mind was blown LOL

There were two major points where my heart absolutely DROPPED and honestly I feel like that says something about this surely? I'm tired af but I was still shook y'know? I'm literally scared of taumoebas lmfao and the way they're described as smelling gross and feeling greasy... ew!! I hate it I'm so glad I do not exist in a world where I know about real taumobeas :))))

My complaint about the amnesia is really just about how convenient it was. It was a good twist that I didn't see coming but I was also kind of like is this really possible with modern technology lmao? I guess who knows what kind of stuff the government has kept in secret but it was a little hard to just read it and be like oh yeah that seems legit.

I also feel like some of the side/supporting characters were a bit too much of a caricature, I guess? Especially DuBois (the sex discussion scene with Dr. Shapiro was SO weird) because I feel like it was framed as like, he is seriously legitimately this kind of guy and he's not playing it off as a joke, which I could have been amused by. I also wish Stratta had like... a little bit more development, I guess? She was giving me girlboss gaslight take no prisoners and I liked that she was strong and tough and would do anything to give humanity a chance to succeed, but sometimes she also seemed a bit like... a micromanager? Comparing this to The Martian (which I seriously love), I think that these characters had more defining traits but in the flanderization kind of way rather than actually being more developed.

The last thing I disliked was the ending :( it was actually a good ending lol but I felt a little sad because I wanted to see more of what happened to the Earth people and I kind of wanted Grace to go home too. On the other hand, he really did not have much attachment there and I felt like with their plans Earth would probably be okay, so it really was a good ending! but I am just an earthling attached to earth so I'm still sad anyways lol

Okay wait one more thing that I know wouldn't have made sense to have in the narrative: I wish we knew what happened to Yao and Ilyukhina on the way there. I remember there was a mention of the autofeeding thing possibly malfunctioning or something but they were going to stick backups because they were light? Actually my first theory was like an allergic reaction or something or like some machine malfunction, but I guess I'll never know. I felt sad when Grace dressed them and sent them out into space.

last note: Ryan Gosling is apparently going to be Grace in the movie adaptation??? But the cited article is from 2021 so... well hey if it happens I'll go see it I love his kenergy

#yy ramblings #yy book club #project hail mary #andy weir #reading time: 4 hours 7 mins

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goldenlevi · 2 years

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Thank you! Here it is. You and Eddie fought over jealousy, and Eddie is very sad about the situation. You head to his house to talk, but all you find is his uncle. Mr Munson then decides to have a long and sincere chat with you and asks you not to hurt his nephew because, contrary to what people in Hawkings think, he is a good, sensitive boy who wants to be loved. He also says he has never seen his nephew so sad and is completely in love with you. When you meet Eddie at school, you hug him tight, give him lots of kisses and tell him you love him dearly in front of everyone. Hope it's ok for you and sorry if it's too long.

here darling! I didn't want to keep you waiting, I hope this is more or less what you had in mind at least! thank you and feel free to drop by my ask anytime if u just wanna chat! <3

ps: im sorry if theres any mistakes, i am a bit tired haha

You can check my other works here if you'd like :)

Your hands felt damp as you knocked on the door, heart pounding in your chest as nerves settled while you waited for an answer. You weren’t even sure if he would open the door. Not after your argument, it was just so stupid the way it began, you thought it made no sense. Perhaps at the time, you weren’t thinking about him, about how to him it made perfect sense.

The door opened and you stepped back, taking a deep breath already preparing your speech. Your stomach dropped when you saw it wasn’t Eddie who was on the other side but Mr. Munson himself, his uncle.

The older man’s face signaled confusion at first, but then he quickly recognised you. “Y/N? Eddie ain’t here” He said.

You looked down, almost embarrassed. If he wasn’t here, then... where could he be? It was getting late and the last thing you needed was to worry about where he was on top of everything else. You were about to open your mouth to respond when he interrupted. “Come in. I think we should talk”

You barely gave him a nod, watching him take a few steps back, allowing you to enter his home. Your throat felt dry, and you gulped instinctively although it didn’t seem to help easing the nerves.

“You know Eddie’s grown now but he’s still my boy,” The older man began, as he made a move to sit on his couch. He opened a can of beer, and motioned you to sit beside him. “Everyone in town has a fixed idea on what he does, who he is…but it’s all bullshit. He’s a sensitive one you see,” He paused to drink. You listened respectfully, not knowing exactly where the conversation was going. “Like everyone else he just wants to be loved. And I know for a fact, that he loves you. You understand what I’m saying here?”

It seemed like all you could do was nod. Words were stuck in your throat, and you didn’t know how to break them free. You feared that it would result in you burst out into tears next to a man you barely knew.

“All I’m asking here is for you not to hurt him. Because, I swear I have never seen him like this. He looked like a goddamn beaten up puppy” Your eyes now filled with unshed tears that you struggled to keep within.

Taking a deep breath, you decided to open up, to the only family Eddie had left. “I love him too, Mr. Munson. I swear I don’t want to cause him any pain” The words left your lips, timidly but honestly. The older man sighed, and his tone changed now to a lighter and more happy one.

“That’s good. Now, just talk to him, yeah? I’ll tell him to listen to you or else he’ll have to deal with me" The tip of his mouth turned slightly up, offering you what resembled a smile.

“I honestly don’t understand what the big deal is!” You didn't mean to yell, but honestly frustration was getting the best of you. When you had met Eddie earlier that day, you thought everything was ok. Evidently, you were mistaken. As you opened your arms reaching for a hug, he responded with a simple grunt. You frowned, but shrugged it off, thinking that perhaps he was just in a bad mood. Your own, however, began to sour as he kept giving you half-hearted replies, until finally you confronted him and asked him what was wrong.

Eddie always knew something like this would happen. He was never good at containing his emotions, he would often burst or act out when he cared, was passionate about something. In this case, someone. The long-haired man was also scared that you would find someone else, someone better. He got jealous when he saw you talking to a guy he was sure he never seen before, and words he didn’t fully mean poured out of him without any signs of slowing down.

The following day, you woke up feeling like a weight was off your shoulders. When you arrived at school, the conversation between yourself and Eddie’s uncle still lingered in the back of your mind. You searched for him, not stopping to greet anyone that tried to speak to you. You finally spotted him near a classroom, you forgot all about the heated argument and focused on who was in front of you. This time, your arms fully locked around his neck, giving him no time to stop you, even if he desired to do so. You kissed his cheek, once, twice greeting him like it was a normal occurrence. The normal loud noise of the hallway quieted down, as the scene unfolded, but you couldn’t care less. The only thing that mattered to you, was making Eddie realize that you had no problem in letting everyone know how you felt about him.

You felt his arms surround you as he whispered an apology solely for your ears. A mix of shock and happiness invaded his body, questions filled his lips, but it wasn’t enough to prevent him from holding you as tight as he could in that crowded hallway. “I love you Eddie” You practically announced just before planting a kiss on his lips.

#i hope you enjoy :(#anon request #eddie munson request #eddie munson x you #eddie munson x y/n #stranger things x you #eddie munson imagine #eddie munson oneshot #eddie munson #mine #my writing #eddie munson angst #eddie munson fluff

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booksandchainmail · 9 months

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Pale 10.4

oooh, I wasn't sure we'd get a Verona chapter this arc

“Can’t show you this one, Tash.” Tashlit, lounging on a beach towel, reached toward her waist and gestured. “No, this one isn’t rude."

I like the unstated "gesture"

Tashlit held up a finger. One. Then the ‘what?’ gesture. “The first most recent email is a reminder from Ding Phones that my prepaid phone account is almost out of funds, please visit the site to top up.”

I'm reminded of a great bit from Bloom Into You where the protagonist is eagerly awaiting a response from love interest, and when her phone pings it's an automated version update notification

“My mom tried to give me the dumbed down explanations but it felt a lot like I was in the way. So I gave the excuse I had to get stuff sorted out. And then we left a couple days after and we stopped in for a visit with her artist friend and I think that was meant for me. Like, she thought I would be receptive and I’d get it and stuff, and it was cool to see the guy’s studio and stuff but like, I’m here and that guy’s alllll the way over there.”

I got to avoid this as a kid: if the people coming over for dinner were family friends who would want to talk with me I would stay, if not I could eat early and then just hang out elsewhere instead of having to stay at the table while conversations went over my head.

“Oh. Disappointed, but not disappointed in me. Maybe.”

disappointed in her own parenting skills?

Verona grabbed her book, flipped back a few pages, and found the image she’d drawn after Tashlit had insisted she would take every art critique seriously. It was rude: a crude and rude drawing of a guy hugging a two-foot-wide boner that came up to the top of his head.

well if all else fails you have a career path on furry twitter

Jeremy replied. I don’t know how to respond except pic just made my week. Have some pics of Sir.

oh big mood, I also start messages with "I don't know how to respond" or something similar. If I wait to try and find words for a good response I just never send it.

“Is my dad going to jail?” The words left her lips before she realized she’d asked. “Is that another priority, Verona? That your dad be punished?” It was subtle. The tone a little cooler than before, less warm. Oh. She’d fucked it. She’d thoroughly fucked it, hadn’t she? Because now the idea was in David’s head. That she’d had an argument with her dad and things had gone wrong and now she was a manipulator or she was trying to get back at him and he was a tool for her to do that.

I can't tell if the child protective services guy is geniunely disapproving, or if Verona is panicking and reading too much into it. Because tone cooling here could mean a lot of things (ie David worrying that things were worse than he thought). If it is that says bad things about him! Honestly my first thought in this scenario (especially Verona was talking about not wanting to move) would be that she was scared of hr life getting completely disrupted by her dad getting arrested.

It's also sad that Verona's first thought on getting a (possibly) negative reaction to a genuine emotion is worrying that it makes her look manipulative or petty, because that is 100% what her dad has been telling her

The way he looked off to one side here and there made her wonder if he felt like his time was being wasted, now. Or misused. He kept taking notes when there wasn’t anything to take notes on.

I think "kid in a protective meeting visibly panics when told their parent won't be arrested" is something to take notes on!

“Sits in bed and sobs and tells me everything I’m doing wrong and everything he’s doing wrong and stuff about my mom.” “Okay. How often is that?” “Two to six nights a week, except when I’m away, or like, not nights but in the kitchen after he gets home from work, he’ll start telling me I didn’t mow the lawn or whatever and then it gets into how much his coworkers suck.”

... that is more often than I thought it was. Six nights a week at max, gods.

“Exacerbated by life circumstances?” he asked. He started to take a note. “Not- no,” she said. She watched him continue to take the note, ignoring the ‘no’. She could imagine that penned down ‘life circumstances’ taking all the heat out of what she was saying.

I cannot tell if Verona is reading this accurately and this guy is going to be useless or not. Leaning towards not because I want to be optimistic.

“The third was- we went shopping and I got on his case, called him a bad dad and stuff. I pushed his buttons on purpose, because I could. And he freaked and stopped the car in the middle lane of a three lane road and made me get out. Cars were honking their horns and passing on the left and right. And I had icecream I’d bought for myself I was too full to eat and it melted while I walked home. I guess that doesn’t count when I think about it.”

I MEAN YOU'RE RIGHT THAT ISN'T TECHNICALLY BREAKING YOUR THINGS BUT IT IS IN FACT MORE WORRYING FOR DIFFERENT REASONS

“When was this?” “Christmas.”

winter in Canada? Admittedly I don't know that much about the weather but that seems hazardous

How could she even put it into words? It was pressure and pressure over years. It was telling her dad about her problems and it never mattering because he always one-upped her, and that added up little by little.

fascinated to see what people have done for Worm-style powers for Verona based on this as a trigger event

“Are you and your dad close?” “No. I think he wants us to be.” “How does he want you to be close?” “Hanging out, watching movies. He’d rather I didn’t see my friends and instead went with him. I think he’s lonely.”

I normally think of this as a red flag in romantic relationships, but it's even more one in a familial relationship

It felt like every time he was making notes, he was taking down the statements or arguments she felt were weakest and most unimportant. Or stuff that made her dad seem more okay than he was. Dad’s lonely, wants to bond with shitty daughter.

I really don't think that's why he's taking a note of it!

And also wow does Verona place the blame on herself all the time. No wonder she has self-esteem issues as part of the Kennet Trio, if this is how her dad has taught her to think of herself

…She wasn’t even sure what she wanted. She wanted to land this entire thing in the zone where she left her dad’s and went to Jas’s. That was the perfect outcome. It’s bad, gotta take this girl out of there, it’s crushing her and making her feel small and broken. So we pick her up and take her… no, that’s too far. Where’s a place we can put her that’s out of the house but not that super far away… Jas’s house!

yesyesyesyesyes. The guy mentioned temporary custody earlier, could that be this?

And even if it wasn’t impossible she couldn’t burden Jas like that, especially if Jas had a job she wanted and no time or money.

this has also been my concern with what is otherwise the perfect solution. Would the government provide a stipend for caring for Verona? It's not like she takes a lot of maintenance time-wise

“Almost died? Tell me about that.” “At this thing I went to at the start of summer. I don’t want to get into it, it…

I think that's the kind of thing he has to follow up on, actually. Verona's dad not wanting more info on this was a red flag, and I don't think Verona recognizes how weird that was

I mean, she can probably pass it off as like an outdoors accident at summer camp (storm while hiking, bridge broke, etc etc) but she should have to at least come up with a story!

“Right now we’re in a middle stage, deciding what the immediate needs are. It doesn’t sound like you need to be removed from the home, and it doesn’t sound like you want to be removed from the home.”

“I want to leave that house. I don’t want to go back,” Verona said. “But can’t I go to Jasmine’s, instead? Can’t- isn’t there a way to-” Breath hitched. She was aware her mom was sitting next to her. “Can’t we- you guys give money to foster parents, right? So couldn’t I go there, and couldn’t, um, you could give her money and I wouldn’t be a burden, and she’s a really good mom to Lucy and she’s lovely.”

the degree to which Verona is breaking down in this conversation is distressing

Verona didn’t know what to say when what she’d already said and how she’d reacted had probably hurt her mom, and her mom didn’t say anything.

eh, deserved

“Is it possible? To give Verona what she wants? I don’t imagine the money from the system going to her would be possible, like she suggested, but if we could divert child support, maybe?”

surprising W from Verona's mom! I mean, it means she doesn't have to change her life at all to accommodate her own child, so low bar, but this is also what Verona wants

“We’d be looking at… the schedule’s tight. This looks like, hm, three at-home visits over three months. During those visits, I or someone else with access to the file would be checking in to make sure that all course participation is maintained, that the house is safe. I would check in with Verona.” “Only three visits? She’s so upset right now.” “Resources are stretched thin.” “You’re sending her back to that house?”

well fuck.

Lowering my estimation of CAS right back down.

Guess it's time to see if we can get Verona set up with a Demesne she can live in?

“I finished talking with David Williams. Then I called Jasmine, and I called your dad, and I called Jasmine again.” Verona looked up. “She’ll take you until the end of summer. Your dad agreed to it.”

oh fuck yes

And one way or another, by the end of summer things will be different

She was going to Jasmine’s. What came after could be saved for after. The headache was gradually easing.

“So he gave my mom a preliminary plan of three visits from CAS over three months, right?” Verona told Tashlit. Nod. “And that’s now going to be twelve over six.” Double nod. “And originally, anger management classes and parenting classes. Now it’s anger management classes and parenting and therapy.”

on the one hand, bleak that it took the drawing to get this boosted. On the other, good that this is happening, and specifically that when Verona felt she couldn't get meaning across in words, she was able to use her art to communicate

“I hate that we go off and do our own things and we don’t cross paths. And it is entirely my fault as the mom that I let it happen. A part of me hoped my situation would change or we’d grow into new interests that did have those overlaps… I did with my mom. It took until I was seventeen or eighteen before I could talk to her, adult to adult. But I screwed up.”

Yeah you did! I mean I also didn't have a lot of shared interests with my mother as a teenager, and I still tease her about saying "You know, I actually like you as a person" when I was ~22 (liking the person I was as an independent adult, as opposed to just loving me as her daughter) (english is my mother's fourth language so phrasing is sometimes off). But she still did her best to understand my interests, and was always engaged in my life. Adult to adult is not the only way to have a strong relationship with your child!

“Call. Anytime, any reason. I would move heaven or earth for you.” “But you wouldn’t move,” Verona said

ouch

“Want to turn in earl-” her mom said, at the same time Verona said, “Want to look at my art?” “I would love to,” her mom replied.

baby steps :)

“Boyfriend material?” “Blegh. No. Not what I’m after.” “A boyfriend? Are you-?” “Nope. No, I wish. It’d be nice. No, it’s not the boyfriend part of that. It’s the material part of that. I’m immaterial. Maybe I’ll get there, maybe I won’t, but not right now. Lucy and Avery keep saying stuff like ‘uh oh’, poor Jeremy.” “That doesn’t sound friendly.” “It’s sorta accurate. Because we’re hanging out and he likes me and I don’t like anyone like that, so…”

aro Verona rights

A figure stepped out of darkness, and it wasn’t the local Others come to check in with her or welcome her to the area.

UHM?

“You tell me. Look what I found, or well, look who found me while I was out there!” At that cue, Miss stepped out from behind the power pole. Wind picked up and dust from the roadside hid her face.

oh fuck yes

“A good one,” Miss said, walking past the girls. She walked up to Rook, and the two of them hugged. “Hello, it’s been some time.”

huh! Didn't see that coming, but potentially very useful if they have Miss bridging the gap between them and Crooked Rook

“I asked Rook to make sure you three were more or less alright until I could find my way back. She has, I hope.” “She said she didn’t want to associate with us.” “Maintaining that position let Matthew, Edith, and the rest draw their own conclusions about my intents and goals,” Rook said. “And it helps keep this secret right here.”

clever clever clever! This completly changes the balance of power in Kennet. Miss back, Crooked Rook as an ally, by extension Nibble and Chloe...

“Rook,” Miss said, sounding more than a little upset. She turned her head Rook’s way, and Rook adjusted the position of the mask perfectly, in accordance with that.

this is cute

“As long as Montague could seize control of the diagram at any time, on Matthew and Edith’s request… Miss can’t come into Kennet.”

good counter for Miss, but I think Montague might be recruitable? something to work on

“I’m thinking back to a few nights ago. At the factory. Edith pretty much sent Chloe right at us. She was aggressive with the furs, she’s been testing the rules. What if we dealt with her, like, right away?” “Let’s,” Rook answered.

OwO

#pale #booksandchainmail reads pale #wildbow

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purplerose244 · 2 years

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My thoughts on the (first?) 12 episodes of Ninjago Crystalized!!!

(SPOILERS ALERT)

SO THE EPISODES DROPPED ALL AT THE SAME TIME APPARENTLY? SO I'M JUST GONNA PUT TOGETHER SOME THOUGHTS I GUESS??? 🤯🤯🤯

FAREWELL THE SEA

Starting from the grief I see 😢

Who the freak are these new ninja I kinda love them actually? 🤣

Okay so new mayor, guess we'll never meet the other one... and this one complains that while saving the world 15 times the ninja do collateral damage. Poor baby has to spend money for the city while instead they could HAVE IT DESTROYED SINCE THANKS TO THE NINJA IT WAS SAVED 15 TIMES ALREADY

(The damage is a fair point but dang at least a thank you 😅)

Zane is coping in his way, it would be very unhealthy if he wasn't a robot... it isn't anyway but whatever 😅

Tiny Benthomaar mention, I hope shark baby is doing okay 🥰🥰

KAI IS A TEACHER 😍😍 Honestly he's still my fave, even though the focus is clearly over Jay's situation and how he loves Nya, WHICH I LOVE, but my flame babe used to be so loving in the past seasons I feel like he's less now 😢

LLOYD ACTUALLY ALMOST MADE ME TEAR UP THE POOR BABY

Whoa it's been a year already?!? DANG!

Poor Jay Jay, of course he would break down like that... and be extremely dramatic while at it, because the glasses and the paintings and the FAKE BEARD 😂 We sacrificed mechanic Jay but we kept his drama queen side

The lanterns are beautiful 😢😢

THE CALL OF HOME

NEW REMIX AND IT'S AWESOME 🤩🤩

OMG this part is absolutely beautiful, you can feel how Nya truly doesn't remember but a part of her wishes to put the pieces together

Top voice acting Kelly, since last season it just keeps getting better 😎

NYA MY GIRL IS BACK I KNEW IT 😍😍😍

NYA REMEMBERS SKYBOUND 🤯 Against popular opinion it's actually one of my favorite seasons so I'm happy, also a reminder of the old designs is always nostalgic 💕

Nyad looks nice, it's sad that she doesn't remember her old life anymore. How the world move on, how her family and friends are likely no more, how the masters of water are moving forward without her...

THE SHAPE OF NYA

Alright I see what you did there 😂

Okay cool and all that they say that Nya was the glue and they weren't a team before... except they kinda were 😅 Alright I'm getting too caught up over this, I know the sense, whatever but still don't you forget the origins

As always the ninja get out of practice when a member get lost, which makes sense honestly but still after 15 seasons it gets a bit old...

NINJA, NINJA EVERYWHERE!

"How did you they do it so quickly?" You used to be quicker honey 😅

... okay I don't like the new ninja anymore

Nah, wait, maybe they need a couple of season themselves to go through all lessons and crap in order to be pure and everything... only to end up breaking the law apparently 😂

So the main villain is Harumi right? The spoilers where everywhere so no surprise there

I just... hope it will make sense? It felt like Harumi's arc was over or at least it had ended with her learning something from that scene of the building? Now she's back at it again? I don't know, I guess we'll ser

THE GIRLS KAI AND JAY ARE FIGHTING

Whoa, I didn't expect Jay to throw the first kick honestly, dang he got more reckless than I remember him being...

NYA IS HERE!

NYA IS FROZEN! SOMEONE MAKE A PUN!

Oh. Oh no no no not Aspheera 😱

Oh come on is this why you're gonna get arrested?? Guuuuyyysss this is the Fire Chapter all over agaaaaiiinnn where you gooo purposely looking for troubleeeee 😖😖😖

Isn't vengestone enough? Make a cute armor of vengestone for her? I I don't know 😅

Wait we're gonna ignore the fight? I doubt Kai and Jay are back full good terms right away... or maybe we're ignoring this in favor of the plot 😅

A MAYOR PROBLEM

Hi mayor, are you a bad guy too?

I mean, yeah that was sarcasm, but they also DID protect the city? It got damage yeah, did you prefer have it conquered or destroyed? I get his motivation but honestly there is like zero gratefulness over here 😅

I liked the unnamed old mayor better lol

I'm with Wu here, this is a massive bad idea

SKYLOOOOORRR 😍😍😍😍😍😍 QUEENS RETURNING LEFT AND RIGHT

I can't tell if I like emotionless Zane or not, he's funny and all but also I miss him being quirky and adorably clueless 😚

Jay was blabbering again! That's comforting actually 😂😂

THIS IS A BAD IDEA

YEP YEP YEP LOOKING BAD

I missed Jay and Cole going together on a mission just the two of them 🖤💙🖤💙

SKY AND PIX HOLD ON

PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER 1, 2, 3, 4 AND 5!

The mayor's cat is so weird 😂😂

New new ninja lol

Not creative enough for you? Black is kinda the only color that makes sense to warriors that work in the shadows 🤣

THIS. IS. A. BAD. IDEA.

Pixal surely can ask her father to steal a staff 😂😂, "Oh nice to know she is making new experiences!"

"When things don't make sense I just ignore them." That's kinda Kai actually ❤

T H I S I S A B A D I D E A

Okay this is reckless even for them, and highly illegal, so while prison sounds a bit much I do understand the reason why this ended the way it did for the guys (judging by the trailer)

Old timers aren't that bad huh 🙃

OKINO HI 😀😀

WEEKEND WHIP YAS 😃😃😃😃

Ships have been flying in Ninjago for years, why not trucks? 😂

Yep, enemies confirmed, and for kind of a good reason this time 😅 Sorry guys, this time you kinda looked for it... BUT FOR OUR GODDESS NYA THIS AND MORE 😭😭😭

A PAINFUL PROMISE

PAINFUL PROMISE?? NO PAINFUL! WHY PAINFUL??? NOOOOOO-

The Golden Weapons 😍

Aspheera makes origami lol

"Don't make me a villain! I didn't make fire snakes fall from the sky and I surely didn't try to kill your pupils! YOU BETRAYED ME THAT ONE TIME WHEN YOU WERE A KID!"

WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH THESE CHALLENGES I'M DYING 😂😂😂

Wuser... I kinda like that one lol

Of course it's not gonna be that easy, or course it's gonna be like that...

NO NO NO NO NO WE'RE SO CLOSE GO AWAY FREAKING NEW NINJA DON'T INTERRUPT THE AWAKENING OF THE QUEEN DON'T-

Lol they do have a catchphase of just three syllables, NINJAGOOO 😂

Fighting fighting fighting

MY GIRL IS BAAAAAAACK 🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩

Alright I do like that what happened in the Fire Chapter comes back here and is used, the power draining staff, nice

Lloyd is such a good boy 💚 He likely made a mistake but he's honest at least

And now they are giving themselves in because they do what's right not matter what, and they don't even care because Nya is okay and that's all that matters and I LOVE MY BOYS SO FREAKING MUCH 😍😍😍

The council of the Crystal King huh? Hi Harumi how're you doing 😅

Or Garmadon? I doubt it though

NINJAGO CITY VS NINJA

Aaaaallllright, are we having a trial of some sort over here? Because the guys messed up pretty bad but they seriously put the heroes of the land in prison for one mistake THAT STILL brought back another one of those heroes?

Not gonna lie though it's a pretty complicated situation law speaking

DARETH! 🤎🤎🤎

Wow he actually somehow went to law school? Good for you, right before learning to speak to the fishes 😂😂

Hey Antonia and Nelson are there! 🤩

Okay the judge kinda took into account them being the saviors of it all... and put them where they got all of their old friends 😅 I guess they could spend some social work time being prison guards as well

Zane is that meme of letting everything out during yoga lesson 😂

Aww Lloyd believes in Dareth 🤎

OMG IS THIS WHY WE GOT A SAMURAI X IN THE TRAILER??? IS NYA COMING BACK AS SAMURAI X??? THAT'S AMAZING BUT ALSO WHAT ABOUT PIXAL??? OMG OMG OMG

Ronin! Your hair are so shiny 😅😅 Aaaand he's a bad guy again, which is not a given considering that he did help before 😅

Aww the officer is kinda nice

Whoops a visitor... hi Harumi 🙂

If that's a Harumi then didn't you already watched Lloyd's face as you took everything from him? Back in Sons of Garmadon? Wait she's not the crystal king? Is she putting Garmy on top again or something?

Lol Lloyd reminding us all that he's the best ninja of Ninjago still! Look at him go! SHOW THEM BABY GO GO GO!

(he's making it worse but looking great while at it go sweetie 💚)

Oh, Vanya's dad again... who cares where's best girl Vanya 💛💛💛

KRYPTARIUM PRISON BLUES

Pff please someone gives Skylor civilian clothes! I love her ninja suit but she deserves a bit of something else 😅 Also for Sky being back there so little Kailor? I wonder if we're gonna get some later, been a while 🧡❤🧡❤

Aww little Jay and Kai moment, this is what I like! I forgive you for the fight 💙❤💙❤

Nya is having a tough time huh 😢

The prison cake is a lie 🤯🤯🤯

Yep, Kai throwing the first tray during the fight, this is more like him 😂

PIXAL AND NYA BUILDING SOMETHING TOGETHER!! THE TWO SAMURAI AT IT FOR THE FUTURE!! So we're getting two samurai now? ... EXCELLENT 🤩🤩

It's kind of hilarious that Kai might have the potential of becoming a criminal if he wasn't such a believer of justice 😂

It might be interesting seeing Pythor in action again, been a while since the big serpentine era and he's supposed to descend from the strongest tribe of them. Give me something good you old timer 😉😉

Making it guys worse, making it much worse...

This season is literally a Murphy Law spiral, the poor ninja 😅😅

GROUNDHOG MCBRAG

Well this is a fascinating name

FUGIDOVE!!! Finally facing his nemesis! Jay don't fight the rivalry, you are Perry the Platypus and he's your Doof 😂

Pff hi Dareth 🤎

NYA IS HERE 😍😍😍😍😍

SAMURAI X IS HERE 😍😍😍 I missed seeing her in a suit, I love her as master of water but I've known her like this first 💕💕

Yep, this is why the past mayor never showed up, too much chaos in one day 😅

I LOVE THAT LITTLE SHIP GAG WITH THE COMMISSIONER OFFICER 😂😂😂 It makes me laugh so much

Fugidove is here too?? Lol I kinda love this development, he's hilarious

Fugidove and Jaybird, the amazing pair... oh someone is so going to ship them, i can feel it, you even got free pet names for the ride! 💙💙💙 Yep I can see it

LEGO SWEAT LOL

Twitchy is coming back? There are some weird comebacks this season 😂

Who is this McBrag guy 😅😅

NO DON'T SPLIT UP. NEVER SPLIT UP.

THE BENEFIT OF GRIEF

The Benefit of Grief? Well that's a very interesting title, and with Zane's voice, I'm kinda curious honestly!

HUMAN ZANE BEING A WHILE! 🤍

Who is this cutie? She looks adorable!

Sally, aww! I like this song, it's such a lovely tune! I like her already!

LOVE SUPPORTING NINJA! 🤍❤🤍❤

Oh Sally ran away from home? We got a bit of a side character backstory, that's nice, like with Nelson and Antonia with the past! It's always nice to see Ninjago civilians! 💕

Whoa she's intense!

Whoa the dude is intense too!

OH DEAR LORD THEY JUST FELL

OH DEAR LORD HE JUMPED IN TOO

Who is this guy? Why is he here? Where was he in the past 15 seasons? Why cool civilians appear only against the ninja 😅

Sally you got a bit of turbolent emotions over here, you need help maybe

ZANE HELP

ZANE HELPED 🤍 ALSO HE MENTIONED DR JULIEN THAT'S ALWAYS NICE

ZANE IS BACK BEING LOVELY 😍😍

THE FIFTH VILLAIN

Whoa already at episode 11? There are 12 so far? Probably more? So far it's a pretty good season I would say! Pretty intense too! If they are gathering all villains then there gotta be more episodes to come

Pff Fugidove is blabbering like Jay does with everyone, this is karma

FUGIDOVE AND BLUEJAY!! 💙💙💙 I LOVE THIS PROBABLY MORE THAN I SHOULD I DON'T EVEN KNOW

A Crystal Council? Like the League of Doom? That might actually be interesting

Twitchy! Been a while! Not the best season but still I like the guy!

The Mechanic did some stuff in the past but was still a bit of a servant in comparison to Unagami, kinda like Clouse 😅

Poor Twitchy...

Did Fugidove just save Jaybird? DID FUGIDOVE JUST SAVE THE NINJA?? ... is Fugidove gonna be the one switching sides? Because that was pretty freaking cool of him 😊😊

Spinjitzu used to be such a strong power, now everything can counter it... kinda sad 😅

NO NO NO DON'T LEAVE LLOYD ALONE-

That was actually a good impression of the Mechanic not gonna lie 😂 Alright Lloydy let's see where this goes, twelth episode!

THE COUNCIL OF THE CRYSTAL KING

I'M SCARED

Always the track for noodles! Skylor must be loaded by now 😂

"Jay was right?" Gotta happen sometimes

DANG IT JAY AND COLE YOU HAD ONE JOB! Sometimes they make the perfect combo while sometimes they have one brain cell in two and neither of them is keeping it 😅

GUYS DON'T LEAVE LLOYD ALONE PLEASE IT'S NEVER GOOD WHEN HE'S ALONE 😱😱

You guys really have to train a bit after this

NO NO NO NO WHERE'S LLOYD 😱😱😱😱

MR. E?!?!?!??!?! ARE WE DOING THE ECHO ZANE THING RIGHT ABOUT NOW???

Not wait rebuilt? I guess not then?

An impostor

Among

... WE ALL THOUGHT ABOUT IT DON'T LIE THE SOUND IS IN YOUR HEAD 😂

Is the Crystal King the Overlord maybe? That would kinda make sense but why right now? Is there a reason for it?

Lloyd really just did the "what's that" prank

Hey the Spinjitzu does work!!

Oh never mind

IT IS HARUMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱 ... I mean we knew, but DANG that freaking creepy song really got to me right now 😅

Still, really? I thought she had a bit of realization that by doing bad you're gonna hurt others like you were hurt too, so what is this?

Well guess this is it...

... WHY IT'S ALWAYS LLOYD THE ONE GETTING TRAPPED 😭😭😭😭

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tepidblue · 9 months

Text

nominative determinism is an extremely funny concept that i will now choose to believe in. like andrew hussie (creator of homestuck) is a kookmin (ship btwn two members of bts) truther. oomf just said it on the tl & i was like, ykw? i’m going with it. and then oomf shared receipts & i chuckle like a little demon because it is just so silly. like u created a biblical length tome & now ur scurrying arnd in the dirt like the rest of us & people had a melt over the gcf in tokyo (seminal kookmin artefact)

oh yeah the nominative determinism thing. this should be a separate post but boo. so i have a dutch friend who tells me about dutch things. dutch told me about farmers with tractors blockading the highways because the government wanted to phase out meat production subsidies and switch to more environmentally sustainable agriculture. dutch told me about the bizarre education system that feels more like dante’s inferno—six different levels and if you’re not in lock-step with dutchness, you do get penalised. do not ask me to repeat it because i do not know how to write the different levels and i will get sad for refugee families who don’t know how to cow teachers into letting their kids be in a higher academic level. i am not dutch and therefore not familiar with spellings. dutch has told me things about the political system that look very charming to me from my perch. the party with the nazi joke chatroom leak was rank though. the dutch government has made some nice anti-dog mill laws. if it is not clear that i am not dutch then i am opaque.

all of this to say, i was aware of the netherlands before f1 (march 2023). oh!!!! i also know the dutch word for like, sex things & i had a riot of a time repeating them a lot. i really get why people learn those terms first when acquiring a new language via osmosis! me too!! except they kept their mouth scrupulously clean so now i can’t even swear outside of, gestures, this language.

okay nominative determinism. it’s this thing where your name suits you to, like, a freakish degree in a major aspect of your life. max’s name is so perfect for him. he is max. to the nth degree. maximilian. maxy max. he’s pushing maximum. he’s been flat out from day one.

now let’s go dutch. basically verstappen (ver-shtah-pHEn) (dutch emphasized the double p & i’ve done a poor approximation of the sound. i am so charmed by it. dutch also says monaco askew but i cannot pin it down. i would probably be less charmed had i been, in some way or another, been colonised by the dutch but here we are.)

i saw a girl who had impeccable pink pantheress vibes. i do need to tell her next when i see her. this isn’t related. neither is the next thing i’m going to say: i really like the moon. but it is not very tangible through my phone camera so i have to look above every night and i miss when i was younger and it followed me through the window as we went home. i can’t remember when the small details came and went until it was something alien altogether but the moon still remained. i like the moon even if my horoscope makes me out to be someone fascinated with the taboo and terrible. i am, but in a distant fashion. not that i think i’m better for the distance or not in the midst of it but in the way of this isn’t my thing but i do think it is interesting and while i thoroughly enjoy learning about it, i do not think i’d enjoy participating in it. whatever the taboo is. there are taboos i’d balk at, certainly.

verstappen essentially means misstep in dutch and i took ages to get here but i do think jos should be banned from the paddock ❤️ & honestly verstappen suits max very well but also kumpen would’ve been textually grittier & added more whimsy to his first impression. more spring to the consonants. but jos exemplifies the missteps of the surname handed down to him by his forefathers. i hope he calcifies and becomes less than rot; that jos.

#mv33 #f1 #nim.txt #nim explaining nominative determinism means max’s name suits him very well #verstappen means misstep in dutch #i spend a lot of time talking abt dutch. dutch finds it very funny that i got into f1 but had to smoke a blunt to listen to me talk about #f1 but dutch had to take a break because she has heart problems and her lungs were getting a bit stuffed up -> delusions of getting buff #oh her health problems were because she was smoking too much weed! now she’s going to the gym & being a gymbro now.

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omoghouls · 11 months

Note

I’m glad you liked my König asks enough to use them for nefarious purposes! I’m kinda in the closet about my omo situation, so it’s nice to be able to talk about it so freely here. It’s kinda embarrassing, I hesitate to even ask my rp partner of 6 years for any jarate action at times but ah well, what can ya do? It’s not my fault people think it’s weird that I want a guy to pee in me… Speaking of, here’s another scenario for you.

I can totally see Mr. K drinking his sorrows away at a pub, losing count of just how many mugs he’s had. The life of a soldier is not an easy one, and despite his crimes against humanity he still has it in him to feel remorse on late nights like these. It’s hard for a man like him to get tipsy due to his size, so when he finally works up a buzz decent enough he pays the already staggering bill and decides to head home.

Surprisingly, the beer isn’t what affects his ability to drive.

Not only is he a sad and horny drunk, but he’s a pissy one too.

His pants are straining against his erection, and he prays his boxers will survive the drive. He’s not thinking clearly, so while he’s stopped at a light he frees himself just to avoid the restriction. The chill of the air makes his dick twitch, his bladder squeezing on instinct. Even he knows he can’t take a hand off the wheel to touch himself, but god does he want to.

The drive home is hell, so when you hear his car and step outside excitedly to greet him he isn’t exactly in the mood for the usual fluffy formalities. As soon as he’s able, he closes the door behind him and drunkenly mounts you over the couch, forgetting his needs in favor of his wants. Although, forgetting his needs didn’t get rid of them by any means, it just meant that his body was going to do it for him.

Not long after he slips into you, the squishy wetness of your insides triggers a response in him, and soon enough you were flooded with a flow of warm, yellow urine that lasted way longer than it should have. You’d think that would discourage him, but no, it only made him get rougher with you. Even as it ran down your legs and branched off of your calves he kept moving, determined to empty his bladder into his lover.

And that poor couch… Oh, that poor couch…

No matter how you scrubbed and scrubbed, the scent still lingered weeks later.

YAAAAA OMG your piss is safe herd anon😎 maybe having a place where you can post your ideas can help you feel less embarrassed!♡♡♡♡♡

And ZTSXFFX7FGX7GC 👀👀👀👀👀💖💖💖💖 OMFG those momentary reliefs that come from drinking always have its bodily consequences!

Idly touching himself through his jeans to find his keys before he gets into the car was enough for his body to sport an erection. The thoughts wrap around his mind while he drives home, the lights from the passing streetlights shining on his straining member. He's honestly not sure which will burst first, himself or his bladder-

But, finally home, his mind solely settles on just one thing; you. He initially hadn't meant to pee inside, but the idea of this special type of marking, so primal, so dirty just has König dive right over the deep end.

The couch - well, let's just say some waterproof blankets/coverings were purchased juust in case this plays out again 😎😎😎

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living-d3ad-gh0ul · 10 months

Text

20th June 2023, 01.55am

I feel okay enough to write to you a little bit tonight. Just before I go to bed. I haven't been sleeping very well recently, what with everything going on. But I need to at least try. I haven't been eating very well either, I don't really have much of an appetite at the moment, but I honestly just think that may be stress.

I re-read your last couple of posts before I came to write, just to remind myself exactly what you had said. I didn't want to end up messing it up and talking nonsense haha. As you know, I've had a lot on my mind and a lot going on. I've been busy planning my dad's funeral (I hate saying that, that hurts so much) and organising everything for him. I'm doing it all alone too, which kinda sucks. My uncles aren't being much help.. but I don't know if it's because they just don't know what my dad would want and I do.. or if it's just because they're not close. I don't know. Today, I went to my dad's care home.. to get some clothes for him. My cousin came with me and he had his dog in the car with us. She is really cute and she was giving me snuggles and kissed my cheek haha. She's a really sweet dog. I was okay when we got there.. and when we got inside.. and when we got upstairs and I spoke to one of the staff that my dad had been looked after by most (I took them all some chocolates and a thank you card, because they really did take good care of him. He was always saying how lovely they were to him. He really seemed happy there).. but the second they opened the door to my dad's room.. yeah.. I was a mess. I stepped inside and looked at his bed all made and everything else completely untouched, left the way he had it. And I just lost it. I couldn't contain the sheer sadness and anger that was inside me anymore. This might sound dramatic, but I genuinely felt like I was just going to crumble to the floor there and then. I nearly did. My cousin ended up coming to my side immediately and hugging me tight. He's a good egg, especially in times like this. He tried comforting me as best as he could, I kept apologising, he told me to stop it and that I was allowed to cry and be upset. He even cried a little too. We took a moment just to let our emotions take over and be released, talking about my dad and how we felt while we stood there. We took our time, we looked through my dad's things together and the nurses and carers gave us some privacy to do so, they knew we'd probably both be really upset. I found his ACDC shirt and his leather cut and I just had a feeling that that's exactly what he'd have loved to be wearing. So that's what I took for him. We then went to the funeral directors and I handed them in for him. That was a little less painful, the undertaker has been really nice to me, he's been really helpful too in helping me figure out everything I need to do/sort out. I'm going to arrange the flowers tomorrow.. after I've been to the registry office. I think that is going to be really tough for me too.

Thank you for saying my new hair looks beautiful. I really like it. I think I suit it and I can't wait to keep this style for quite a while. Everyone keeps complimenting me on it, even people who I didn't expect to say anything or like it. I love this colour too, you know how much I love having red hair. It's just.. me haha. My tattoo is healing well, it's just at that really fucking annoying itchy stage right now haha so I'm always trying to distract myself so I don't scratch at it. I'm pretty good at remembering not to, but I did catch myself very nearly doing it ONCE. I managed to tell myself off for it before I did it haha. I have plans for 3 more tattoos before the end of summer. All for my dad. They're only small ones, but I really like the idea of them and I know my dad absolutely would love them. He did say he wanted me to get as many as I could so I could piss off my mum lol. She doesn't really like them. Nor does she like my hair. She said I'm ruining my skin/hair. But I don't care. It makes me happy and if I want to do it, I'll do it.

I understand why you'd hold off on doing anything with the band right now and I completely understand what you mean too. It's like.. plateauing almost? I'd say see it out, see what happens over the next few months and then maybe make a decision there? That could be an idea, but whatever you want to do I'm sure you'll make the right decision for you. That's what's most important, that you do whats right for you.

Your stream on Sunday.. oh my god you have no idea how happy I was to see your face and hear your voice. It really did help take my mind off of things, it really helped so much, you've no idea. I felt like.. things were just normal for a little bit. Like I could just sit and watch you play ESO and try to stop Chonky being a menace and have a bit of normality, which I have sorely needed so badly these past few weeks. There were so many points I giggled or laughed or said "awwww" (especially when I could see Chonky haha), but I had a huge smile the whole time. And you were so good at it too! You were completely natural at it too, talking away and just playing the game, you really looked like you were enjoying yourself and it made me really happy to see. I'm so glad that you decided to do it and I'm really looking forward to the next stream. I was worried that.. maybe I was chatting too much. That I should have been a little quieter and just let you get on with the game. I think I just got excited to see and hear you and.. I'm sorry if it was too much.

I always like reading through your letters multiple times too. I do it a lot, I'll be honest. Is that weird? I hope not, but if it is please tell me. I just.. I really like doing this with you and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that or anything. If you're telling me that Chonky would either absolutely love my belly rubs or absolutely shred my hand, then this is a win win for me, because either way I get to touch a cute floofy cat. Having a shredded hand will not stop me haha.

I love City and Colour too. They're one of my favourite bands too. Especially the Little Hell album. That is just a complete masterpiece and easily in my top 10 albums of all time. Thank you for all the songs you give me too, I really like them all. I try to pick songs that.. convey how I feel in that moment. Or maybe just songs that make me think of you. Sometimes it's both. But you also give me new things to listen to or remind me of old classics that I love. I have not heard a song you've given me that I haven't loved so far. I really like that we do it, it's like.. a little special thing, just for us. It's still warm here but it's starting to cool a little over the last day or two. It sometimes does this, gets really hot, then cools down, then gets really hot again. We are not built for this weather over here hahaha. It's my birthday in 8 days and.. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do for it. Or whether I want to do anything for it this year. I haven't decided yet.. would it be bad if I did celebrate it? Considering what's happened? I don't know.. I'd feel guilty..

Your posts are never too babbly. I like when you babble. And I hope you're okay with me babbling from time to time too. It seems like I've been doing it more often recently but.. I've had a lot going on, so a lot to babble about. I like the idea of us being unfiltered in these letters and just acting like we're talking to one another. So please don't worry about that, because I enjoy it. More than I can really tell you, if I'm honest. I just like talking to you in general. About everything and anything.

I'm going to try and sleep now. I'm currently listening to that song by New West that you sent me before.. that's really become one of my favourites.. it instantly makes me think of you and smile every time I hear it. I secretly hope there's songs that you hear that give you the same reaction.

I hope to hear from you soon, E. You're bringing me so much comfort right now, even with being so far away, and I'm not sure if you realise it.

I know I can come to you. And you know you can come to me too. Or at least I hope you do. I'll always be here, no matter what. I mean it.

N x

"You are all four seasons, rolled into one.. you're like the cold December snow, in the warm July sun"

#him

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mikroaaurora · 1 year

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confused

_____________________

Woooow what a handful of a start to 2023. I think I’ve gone through the 5 stages of grief about 10 times during this month and a half. I’ve defiantly also experience a LOT within the shortest time although January felt like three months compiled into just one.

The BIG, big one was that I actually met someone, well this was December of 2022 but after about a month things were going well for us, actually things were going really well. I really liked this guy and I’m pretty sure he was reciprocating the same feelings back, and for me this was quite big because I had never been in a real relationship before, I mean I had dated a girl but she was my best friend so eh, and I had also dated long-out-of-the-country distance before, but I had never actually had a real relationship, and mind you this was with a boy.

I was nervous meeting him for the first date, hell I was shitting myself, honestly I think I almost considered driving back home, but I didn’t and we had a really great night.

Fast forward we would spend hours at night talking and watching movies (especially watching movies), staying up till 6am until one of us would doze off for a bit and then laughing at the fact we can both see the sun through our blinds. It was really really good, and it became quite a consistent habit to the point where I was wishing I just had one night to myself to play games haha.

I could also see my mood changing and I felt more happier, my family noticed me feeling happier.

A few weeks later after I saw him again things started to change, I mean he had his reasons that were completely reasonable so we talked a little less, took a little longer to reply to each other but it was okay, I had to understand. I just think that it was a little hard for me since we were talking so much constantly, I think I got a bit attached and clingy so I had to pull myself out of that mindset which wasn’t as easy but it got there.

Before I knew it we were not really talking at all and I was missing him constantly, at one point I think I got a little depressed for a few days because of it, since I was thinking… was it something I did? Did I do something wrong?? Whats happening???? But no matter what I could think of nothing has me pointing the finger at myself because we had just been like normal before we stopped talking so much. I struggled quite a bit through those probably 4 days, I didn’t do anything, wake up, watch tv all day, check tiktok a few times go to sleep, that’s all I did for about 4 days straight.

Honestly I would like to say a big fuck you to tiktok for also showing me so many relationship advice tiktoks on my fyp that fed into my anxiety and stress which didn’t help at all.

That was until I got sick of being sad.

One thing that I always admire about myself and pride myself on is how I can change my mood very quickly, and instantly motivate myself to be more positive. So I did. I was more positive and productive than I had been in the last 6 months. I was finally getting around to doing things I had put off for the longest time, I was waking up early, cooking myself new recipes and it made me feel really good!

Something that also helped was that I tend to get hyperfixated on something, in this case it was a movie/ movie characters, so tiktok I take that back thank you for feeding my hyperfixation.

Eventually I decided to text him after about 2 weeks of not talking, even though I was waiting for a response from him I said fuck it.

We talked for a few days but things just went back to normal and it felt like he was detaching himself a bit. But I kept gaslighting myself saying he’s busy, and tired because he was busy, he had a lot going on, but I don’t know things told me otherwise.

Now I think the worst part of this was he never established what we are, he did mention that we were in a relationship and god we acted like it but I just need that verbal confirmation.

I am still waiting for that confirmation and sometimes he’ll do things that will make me think okay we’re all fine, but then he’ll forget things that we had planned to do and I just get sad and confused all over again.

Confused that is the big word, constantly being confused.

Now I actually want to text him and ask him about what we are because I feel like it will be too hard to meet up and idk about calling, and I would like to know sooner or later before I become more confused with myself. But I told myself I would wait until valentines day is done just encase he decides to make a move, and wait until my trip this week is done since I don’t want to make myself stressed or sad.

But as for now the ball is in his court and I’m hoping he makes a move soon.

#journal #men yuck #relationship #anxiety go weee #im so tired #homebody

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lilithsmom · 2 years

Text

I haven’t done a good life update in awhile, so here goes:

Work has been annoying. I have found myself enjoying working from home more than the office. I don’t really enjoy being there anymore. I don’t really enjoy talking to my coworkers anymore, even the ones I’ve made friends with. I just want to be home with my hair in a messy bun wearing sweats and Lilith on my lap or laying behind me on the back of the chair. But I don’t think I’m looking to leave. I think this will pass. Maybe if I’m still miserable with it all next year I’ll look to leave but it’s still been less than a year so I’ll stick it out. I do still enjoy the job I do and the team I work with.

I don’t think I’ve mentioned at all on here that I signed up for personal training. It’s been a little over a month now. I’m really enjoying it! My trainer is Michelle, she’s really fun and she even came over to my place to smoke weed and bake brownies. I do feel healthier, but I don’t know if I’ve really made any progress with losing weight. I haven’t had the best diet all the time and I have slacked off in my at home workouts the last two weeks. But I’m doing this for 6 months so by the end in November I’ll be buff as hell (aka healthy and happy and hopefully not hating my body)

My mental health has been pretty solid. I was scrolling through my older posts and forgot how depressed I was earlier this year/last year. I’m definitely out of that headspace thankfully. I only see my therapist once a month now. Even then I’m sometimes like “what do I say?” Cause I feel like I have a good grasp on things. Realizing that I feel good about myself and my life was a really nice feeling I haven’t had in awhile. I don’t hate myself much these days.

I know I never posted about it but shortly after my Oregon trip I kind of realized all of my James feelings were gone. My therapist suggested it was more the idea of him and our story than actually him, and I totally agree. If I look at James for what he really is he’s not at all what I want or need. I was just caught up in what seemed like a good fantasy ending.

Realizing I like my life and myself lead me to decide to start dating again. Knowing what I had learned in the time away from it all and from the brief little snippets of dating/flirting I did I felt confident in myself and staying true to myself. I don’t want to be the girl who changes for a guy, the girl who is desperate and sad. That’s not me anymore. I went out on a couple of dates and they were nice, some better than others. I ended up finding a good fuck buddy. We fucked on the first date and it was so fun. I had a lot of pressure built up around having sex again after so long but in the moment I decided that didn’t matter, and it truly doesn’t. I’m really glad my first time back in the sex game wasn’t something meaningful, I was able to find my footing and not take it seriously. He was pretty cool and I could tell after the second hang it wouldn’t be anything romantic, which was perfect. I feel like I honestly manifested it because I kept saying I just wanted casual sex and wasn’t ready for emotions. And that’s exactly what it was. But it only lasted two weeks….

Because I met someone. Someone who has made me feel so comfortable and safe and happy in such a small amount of time. It’s honestly very scary but I’m not running from it, or pushing it away. He really deserves a whole post all his own. I’ll work on that.

But for right now life is good. I’m happy. All around.

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unfoundhoney · 3 years

Text

a sister’s sacrifice ; part three ↠

↠ platonic!c!sleepy bois inc x fem!reader , platonic!c!tubbo x fem!reader ; angst just angst

↠ masterlist

↠ part one ; part two ; part three ;

↠ @leafyturtle @basheverythingyesterday @terribletoothbat @bestioe @junoblad3 @machiebach @ok-honey

when considering the deaths of the people on the dream smp server, yours is the hardest

schlatt was detested by all when he’d died

few people still truly cared for wilbur when he met his end; the man he once was was long gone by then

but you

you never changed

you were a constant for so many & immovably kind to the rest

selfless, giving, caring

even when you just wanted an escape, you came to the aid of your brothers

you gave the ultimate sacrifice & paid the price

everyone mourns you

when the battle is won & dream locked away indefinitely

once everyone has come down from the high of freeing themselves from dream’s reign, the server goes into a state of grieving

there’s no denying your death

they all saw the message in chat

you’re dead

those that were close to you took it hard

niki was narrowly stopped from burning down the bakery you encouraged her to open and helped build

eret put her emotions into work on a memorial in their museum for you

even under the egg’s control, bad & ant put the eggpire aside for you

of course, those who took it the hardest is your family

when ghostbur learns of your death, he’s distraught

he doesn’t quite know how to handle the information

he protects your home & only allows people to enter when he supervises them

tommy took a while to move past his anger & deal with the fact that you’re gone

tubbo ran off to start snowchester

he chose to distract himself rather than truly process his emotions, even if you’d always done your best to break that habit of his

now that you’re not around, who’s to stop him from letting himself be numb to it all?

techno is another one of your family members who chose to barely acknowledge your passing

he became somehow more monotonous & emotionless

and phil

...

there’s no word for a parent who loses a child

wilbur was gone & of course it messed phil up to be the one to take will’s last life but by that point his son was gone

but you

you’d always been such a genuinely good person

phil did so little for you as a father

he was so absent

he never apologized to you for that

he never told you how much he loves & appreciates you & everything you’ve done to keep their family together when he couldn’t be bothered

it’s a few hours after he received the news from ranboo that all the guilt for everything he had ever put you through hit him

he broke down in his kitchen while trying to distract himself by organizing his cupboards

but all he could think about was you

you & your never ending kindness & compassion

he was never a father to you

yet you never hated him

why couldn’t you have hated him?

it would hurt less to lose you if you hated him; it’s what he deserves

he’s unworthy of your love

but he can only dwell so long on you

you are given a proper funeral

you’re buried by the seashore, somewhere between l’manberg and tommy’s abandoned vacation homes in an open field

the sever members plant so many flowers, your gravesite becomes a flower field

but soon, life goes on

it will only hurt for longer to draw out the mourning period

it would do no good for anyone

besides, you wouldn’t want the server to be sad for your sake

techno supposes it’s for the best that you died

he does his best to move on, filling his days with resource gathering and upgrading his tools, weapons, and armor while trying to think through his emotions logically

as much as he liked you

as much as everyone liked you, you were too good

you were the best of them

fate is not kind to heroes

“hello!”

technoblade is not an easy man to sneak up on, let alone scare

the greeting itself isn’t want startles him

it’s turning toward the voice to lock eyes with you

you who is dead

techno is not proud of the sound he made when he saw you but you of all people wouldn’t make fun of him for it

he just stares at you, slowly realizing what’s happened

you look desaturated, the color drained from your clothes

your skin is grey & almost translucent

you’re a ghost

“y/n.”

“hello! who are you?”

techno tells no on one of your ghost form

he even keeps the rest of the server a secret from you

he leads you to your old home & leaves you there w/ ghostbur

he hopes your and ghostbur’s combined amnesia will keep you out of harm’s way i.e. the rest of the server

he visits you occasionally but mostly leaves you be

you live happily with ghostbur for a while

he is very glad to have you back

his memory is nearly as bad as yours, so the story of the server & what happened to you when you were alive is only given to you in bits & pieces that are near impossible to fit together

it was only a matter of time before someone came to visit your house

“...y/n?”

it’s tubbo who finds you first

or he finds your ghost

(tubbo) y/n! oh my god! you’re a ghost! you’ve come back!

(you) hello! *whispers* ghostbur, who is this?

(ghostbur, whispering obviously) that’s tubbo, one of your other brothers i’ve told you about

(you, whispering) oh, right

(tubbo) how long have you- oh, this is incredible! i have to tell tommy! he’s been so sad since you died; he’ll be so glad to see you!

tubbo messages tommy, who is skeptical but reluctantly comes to your house anyway

but there you are

your ghost anyway

which is good enough, honestly

(tommy) y/n!

you catch him in a hug easily, even if you’ve never met him before

(tommy) you’re alive!

(you) no i’m not. i’m a ghost!

techno happens to check in on you when tubbo & tommy are there

bad news for technoblade: you’d told them about techno leading you here

meaning: tommy knows techno hid you from him & everyone else

needless to say, he is not too happy about that

(tommy) you hid her! you kept her away from us!

(techno) tommy, you have to understand-

(tommy) i don’t have to understand shit! you hid her from us! you lied to us!

(techno) tommy-

(tommy) you kept her from everyone! you’re selfish and you’re a liar and you’re horrible and-

(techno) i did it to protect her! she’s been hurt enough protecting others; it’s our turn to protect her. the only way we can do that is by leaving her alone

(tommy) she’s my sister

(techno) your sister is dead, tommy. for once in her life, let her have peace

tommy gives up on techno & goes to you instead

(tommy) y/n! y/n, we can bring you back. we can revive you. well, dream can revive you but he’s in prison so he has to do what we say so we can bring you back. we can be a family again. don’t you want to come back?

(you) ...no

that

...

that isn’t what tommy was expecting

(tommy) what?

(you) if alive y/n comes back, i won’t exist anymore. and i’ve only just got here. i don’t want to go yet

(tommy) don’t you understand how much y/n means to me? y/n has to come back. she has to. she’s so important. not just to me but to, um... tubbo as well! right, tubbo? don’t you want y/n back?

tommy looks to tubbo for some backup but the shorter boy looks away

(tubbo) i think we need to let y/n go, tommy

the betrayal that fills tommy’s chest is soon gone as he locks eyes with techno

tommy knows techno is right

you’re too much of a good person

you’re too willing to sacrifice yourself for others

even as a ghost your kindness is blinding

this server will only drain you of everything you have yet again

he will drain you of everything you are

he’s just tried to convince you to cease to exist to bring back the former version of yourself

(you) i’m sorry. it’s just- i’ve heard there are these really pretty blue flowers in the swamp biome that i haven’t got to see yet-

(tommy) no. it’s fine. i’m sorry. i-... i should go.

tommy leaves your house & tubbo goes with him

even if tubbo caught on a bit sooner to techno’s reasoning, he’s still concerned at his friend’s sudden change in character

(tubbo) tommy... are you alright?

(tommy) ...i really want her back

(tubbo) i do, too. but she’s gone

(tommy) she doesn’t have to be

tubbo can’t argue with that

(tommy) but... maybe it’s for the best

(tubbo) really?

(tommy) yeah.

(tubbo) but just earlier you were telling me about your plan to get the revive book from dream

(tommy) techno’s right, tubbo. all everyone- myself included- has ever done to y/n is take. and she’s given everything

(tubbo) because she loved us

(tommy) as much as she loved us and as much as we loved her... the only thing we’ve ever brought her is pain. i think now... now is her time to rest.

(tubbo) ...that’s very pog champ of you, big man

tommy had planned to visit dream as many times as it took to get the revive book location off of him so he could revive you, but now he’s accepted that he needs to move on

he needs to move on from you & dream & everything dream has put him through

he decides to pay one last visit to dream, put him behind him, & never look back

he’s ready to start a new chapter in his life, one without dream

and the first one without you

but then he’s locked in the prison

two weeks pass

nearing three weeks & tommy still isn’t allowed out of dream’s cell

he’s irritated and annoyed and most of all he’s scared

but he can’t let dream know he’s still afraid of him, that’s why he pisses dream off enough to the point of being beat to death

tommy begs him to stop

but then he’s gone

everything is dark

black

empty

nothing

is this what death is?

conscious in absolute nothingness?

tommy’s feet feel the ground beneath him

his senses come back to him

it’s still dark but he feels as though he can see again

where is he?

heaven?

no, probably hell

or maybe neither?

both...?

what the hell happened?

the first thing to break the silence is the voice tommy has known since he was an infant

the voice of the person who raised him

the voice of the person who has always been there for him

the voice of the person who he has finally let go of

your voice

saying one simple word

“tommy?”

2K notes · View notes

finelinevogue · 3 years

Note

the fact that Y/N has post natal depression Is somewhat refreshing idk I just don't see it talked about much on here and if it is it's like Hella angsty and the partner doesn't understand what it is but I was wondering if u could touch on it a bit more cause it's something I'm really scared about happening to me and I just want harry to hold me and tell me it's going be okay 😚😚😚😚

P.s. if u don't wanna it's understandable

anon: can u write about harry helping y/n through her ppd maybe like the 3rd time was so bad that h decide that he won’t be having more children

so this was requested twice so i would love to be able to write this for you both, hope this is okay - mind it’s heavily angsty!;

tw: vomiting, ppd and od

oli - 4, felix - 3, belle - 12 weeks

Motherhood was really fucking hard.

The birth of your newly born daughter, Isabella, had really taken a back pedal on your mental health. You had suffered with post natal depression after the birth of your two sons, but nothing as bad as this.

It had hit you around the 7 week mark after giving birth. The pregnancy itself was okay, even though she was slightly premature, but it was after you’d taken her home that it’d all spiralled downhill. It started with complications with her breastfeeding - like she was rejecting the milk that you had produced. It hurt to see her reject you and your body, finding more comfort in drinking from a pre-made milk bottle as her dad rocked her to sleep. You recall the evening so clearly and felt like an utter failure as you watched her drink a bottle of formula for the first time.

“Ssh ssh,” Harry cooed to your 7 week old daughter as he rocked her in his arms on the rocking chair in her nursery. She was whining because she was hungry, but the problem was that she wasn’t accepting your milk. She hadn’t been accepting your milk all day and now it was becoming dangerous for you to keep on saying ‘Oh i’ll just try later.’ Harry had told you to make a formula bottle for her. “Mummy’s coming.”

As much as you didn’t want to, you were walking back to the nursery with a warm bottle in your hands. You’d tested it on your hand to make sure it wasn’t too hot and then taken a sip to taste it, out of jealousy, and you thought that it didn’t taste any different to you. Then again you’re not a 7 week old human whose only date is milk.

“Look here’s mummy with your yummy milk, okay? Look Belles!” Harry cooed at his darling angel and you only wished he wasn’t as happy for her as he was.

“Yeah.” You spoke softly, handing him the bottle and standing nearby, part of you hoping that she would reject this too and she wasn’t just rejecting you.

But no, she drank the formula like it was her last meal.

“Such a sweet girl, aren’t you?” Harry praised her, watching her in awe as she kept on drinking the formula. Watching as she was drinking to become the strong girl you knew she’d become. It just hurt that it wasn’t you that could help her become that.

You felt powerless. Worthless, even. The one thing that you had carried the weight of your breasts around to do and you couldn’t even do it. Your nipples were so sore and your breasts ached so badly and it was all for nothing. Perhaps it was punishment for being such a bad mum. Perhaps you’d never been good enough for this job and it was your bodies way of shutting you down forever. You wouldn’t need the ability to produce milk anymore, because you weren’t worth the title of becoming one again. You wanted to be happy for your little one, seeing her happy but all you felt was rejection and sadness. She didn’t think you were good enough to be her mum and that really hurt.

Along with the breastmilk problem, Belle also became very stubborn when you wanted to change her nappy. Anytime you tried to change and help her she put up a fuss, kicking her legs and sometimes she would bite or hit you away. It was just a reminder that you weren’t a good enough mum for her and that she didn’t feel safe enough around you. She didn’t find comfort in your presence and she was so fussy about what you did around her. With Harry, though, she was an angel. She loved him so much and obviously he made her feel so loved and safe - something you’d clearly never be able to give her.

There was also the chores of being a mother to your other two sons too. Oli and Felix were old enough to understand that they had a baby sister, but they weren’t old enough to understand how miserable you were. Harry wasn’t even able to figure it out yet. You tried your best to put on your bravest face, knowing that your family needed you to be strong but the truth was that you were crumbling on the inside. You were feeling less and less like yourself and you were waiting for the moment when you’d completely fall apart. Nothing felt right anymore. Everything was just numb.

“You two boys okay?”

You walked into the children’s playroom see that they were sat at the little table colouring in. Felix’s little legs dangled slightly, whereas Oli’s legs touched the floor and it made your heart swell at how big they were both getting.

“Yep!” Oli cheered, scribbling with his left hand as his tiny tongue stuck out from his lips as he concentrated - a habit passed onto him from his father.

“What are you both drawing?” You asked, coming over and kneeling on the floor beside them and having a peek at their drawings.

“We’re colouring for daddy.” Felix answered, some of the words not being pronounced properly due to his young lisp and lack of being taught how to say things correctly yet.

His words stung though. You appreciated that he was only a toddler and he meant nothing evil or malicious by it, but it hurt to think that maybe, just maybe, your sons were doing this for their dad because he did so much more for them than you did. Of course you tried to be the best mum you could, but maybe you weren’t doing enough. Maybe you weren’t meant to be a mum after all, or at least not a good one.

“O-oh,” you tried to hold back the tears in your eyes because your boys looked so proud at their artwork - and you should be too. “Tell me about them then, my loves.”

Oli went first, “So this is me and this is Oli and this is dad. It’s us playing football like we did the other day, mummy.” He pointed out to each of the figures, some looking actually quite terrifying but you’d never have the heart to tell him that. The figures were all holding hands though and it hurt to think that you weren’t a part of that.

“Oh that’s so good Ols!” you rubbed his head of hair and then turned to Felix’s, “What about you Fix?”

“I drew daddy as the best.” He pointed to a trophy that the figure - more like a stick-man-slenderman - was holding, which was decorated with the award of ‘my hero’.

“I told him to write hero, mummy.” Oli added, and you smiled at both of them.

“Well done. Good job both of you. Daddy will love these!” You only wished that they would draw something for you. You hated to think that you were being petty, but honestly you just wanted to feel loved. “Shall I go cut up some apple for a snack, hey?” You asked, trying to feel useful.

“Daddy is making us smoothies!” Felix answered and you had to stand up, up and away from their heigh, so they didn’t catch the tears in your eyes.

“Okay! Don’t forget to give him those pictures - he’ll love those.” You praised them and they both giggled to each other.

The sight of your sons laughing should’ve made you so happy, but it only reminded you that you weren’t the source of their happiness. You weren’t on their mind enough to be their inspiration for drawings. You definitely weren’t their hero. You were just a woman to them, not a mum. You wanted to be so much more but it was clear that they didn’t need you. They were loved by their dad and each other, not in need of your heart.

Eventually Belle settled down and was sleeping better through the night, leaving you and Harry to much more peaceful nights sleep. Well, just Harry.

You had found it near impossible to get to sleep now. You lay awake at night wondering when Belle would next wake up, wondering when she’d next need you. Harry was always quick out of bed though, even if he actually was sleeping, to help her ordering you to stay in bed and rest yourself. You couldn’t help feel like he was telling you to stay put because he knew you wouldn’t be able to do your job properly - and you started to believe him.

You’d found yourself getting jealous of those that could get to sleep. When you were walking down the road you’d judge a person by how much sleep they looked like they got last night. You definitely looked like you only had 2 hours - even when you’d only had 37 minutes but who’s counting? Your dark circles were heavily noticeable, but no one cared enough to ask. Even Harry stayed clear of you more and more often; spending more time with the kids than you and sleeping on his side of the bed instead of yours at nighttime.

There had been one evening where you had been so restless that Harry had gotten so frustrated and left the room, with a blanket and a pillow, and slept on the couch. You’d never felt so much like a burden than that night. Your family was rejecting you and you felt like a failure. You were a success at failing in everything. The meals you cooked went half eaten by everyone because you would’ve forgotten to add a key ingredient. The children preferred to spend more time playing with their dad because you weren’t energised enough to play the games they wanted to. Your daughter still rejected your milk. It was all too much and you just wanted one nights peace for it to change.

Last night had been that night.

Fuck these were so addicting. You were finally getting the sleep that you so badly craved, only with the help of tablets.

You wanted the sleep because that was the one place you could escape to. You needed that escape to help you get out of bed the next morning. Life was too hard for you to not dream, and without dreaming you didn’t want life.

It started off with taking one every night before bed, but then they stopped working again, so you started taking two, then three. Four was obviously where your body hit its limit.

“Mummy? Can you come tuck me in please?” Oli asked, little toy giraffe in hand and shaking you in hopes of waking you up to send him peacefully off to sleep.

You’d gone to bed a bit earlier tonight, lying saying that you were extremely exhausted. Harry said he would be able to handle things and that’s when you excitedly ran upstairs to take your pills; 4 of them. You’d made it into your bed, feeling slightly drowsy after completing your nighttime routine, but then you started to feel unwell and really ill. Before you’d passed out you’d stuck your fingers down your throat in hopes to make the feeling in your stomach disappear, but it ended up you throwing up all over the bed and pass out right there.

“Mummy! Wake up!” Oli rattled your back, but you were still unresponsive.

Oli padded out of the room and down to his sisters room where he knew his dad was. Belle was being extra fussy this evening and Harry suspected it had everything to do with you retiring early. He heard Oli come into the room just as he’d gotten Belle down.

“Y’alright buddy?” Harry whispered, tip-toeing out of Belle’s room, leaving the door open slightly, and crouched down in front of him.

“No. Mummy’s not waking up.” Oli pouted, rubbing a tired fist over his eye.

“She’s probably in dreamland, bud. She was really tired today.”

“She’s really tired all of the times.”

“I know, Ol.” Because Harry did know, but he was too much of a coward to face up to the problem. The doctors had said that post natal depression can strengthen with every birthed child, but he was too blind sighted by the fact that you’d overcome the first birthed post natal depression so quickly, and was so in love with his baby girl, that he didn’t truly see how bad things had gotten. Harry had tried giving you some space, distancing himself from you in bed and spending more time with the kids so you could relax and rest up, but nothing seemed to be working. He was surprised, actually, that you’d been having better sleep recently and so was hopeful that maybe the worst of the depression was over.

Hell, was he so wrong.

“Go to bed, bud okay? I’ll be there in a minute.”

“Wake mummy up so she can give me a kiss.”

“I’ll try little man, alright?” Harry scuffed his sons hair and then watched him walk off to his room.

Harry walked into your dark room, the air smelling slightly sour, and walked around to your side of the bed. He sat down next to you sighed heavily. He needed to speak to you, no matter how tired or angry you’d be with him. He was losing you as a wife and a mother and a soulmate and a lover. He was just losing you, just as you were losing yourself and he was doing tip-toeing around the problem any longer. He was going to try and make this better. He was going to better understand how you were feeling in order to help you.

“Baby?” He spoke softly, nudging you gently, “Baby wake up.” No response. “Y/N, my love? Wake up for me darling, need to speak with you.” Normally you would’ve stirred by now but there was still nothing. “Y/N?” Harry shook you a bit more urgently now - one that would surely wake even the deepest of sleepers. “Y/N!” He shouted, perhaps a bit too loudly for the comfort of his children.

He turned you over and that’s when he knew this was very, very, bad.

Your face was pale grey and your mouth was covered in the remains of vomit, and he suddenly understood the gross sour smell from before. Your hair was greasy and stuck all in the wet sick all over your face. Your eyes were puffy from the remains of tears. You looked dead.

“No, no, no. Y/N! No you don’t.” Harry’s eyes starting weeping and he couldn’t think straight. He checked your pulse on your wrist and timed it - it was unhealthily faint. He wouldn’t be surprised if you were in your last beats of your heart. His tears and sobs were uncontrollable, but he had to be both strong for you and his children, as well as for him. “Fuck sake pull yourself together Harry. Okay, baby hold on please. Okay? You don’t get to leave me like this, you hear me? I love you so much, baby. Fuck i’m so sorry.” He gently placed your head back down on the pillow and pulled out his phone.

999

“What’s your emergency?”

“I need a-an ambulance p-please. I-I think my wife i-is dying.”

The rest of it was a blur for Harry. Him trying to wake you up. The ambulance arriving. Oli and Felix crying when they saw you being carried away on a stretcher. Belle’s deafening screams. Harry’s heart beating for the both of you.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

It was the rhythmic beeping sounds that woke you up.

Your whole body felt achey and sore, your head a pounding mess. You opened your eyes slowly, adjusting them to the light of the room. You expected to see the family photo on the wall opposite you and the white of your curtains, but you were met with a heart-monitor machine and a hospital bed instead. You looked down at your body and noticed a cannula in your arm, making you squirm because you hated stuff like that so much. Your nose had a tube running inside it too, feeding you the oxygen your lungs weren’t receiving properly.

It then dawned on you how you weren’t in the room alone. You saw a sleeping Anne and Gemma on the chairs in the far corner, with Felix and Oli tucked against their sides - Anne with Oli and Felix with Gemma. It was so cute to see them so cuddled up close. They looked peaceful. You took note of the baby pram that was at the end of your bed, most likely playing bed to your beautiful daughter. Your mind felt lost. You can’t really remember what had happened, apart from taking four of those sleeping pills. You fully remember the weight of feeling worthless and useless as both a mum and a wife, though, and that feeling was still very prominent.

Your eyes lastly landed to the side of you, where Harry was sat but also laid on your bed. The top of half of his body laid upon the bed, his head buried onto this arm deep within the bed, whilst his bottom stayed rooted to the chair. His hand was holding yours tightly, which was a sign that he wasn’t asleep. You were so scared to face him though. You had failed him, again and again and you weren’t sure whether you could be enough for him anymore. Enough for your family anymore.

You squeezed his hand three times saying ‘I love you.’

“Y/N,” He whispered so hoarsely, but you were so focused on him to even catch it. He looked ruined, and you’d done that to him. His eyes were dark and tired, but also red and puffy from where he’d been crying. His hair was a mess and you could tell it hadn’t been washed in a while. How long had you been out for? You felt rested in your sleep, but not in your mind or your heart.

“I—” Your breathe got caught in your throat, but you persevered to finish your words. He deserved to here them. “I’m sorry.” You were whispering so you didn’t disturb anyone else in the room.

“No, stop it. I’m sorry baby.”

“Harry don’t, you don’t have anyt—”

“Stop yes I do I—”

“Harry please you don’t owe—”

“Y/N listen!” He cut the little volley-conversation and ordered you to just stop. You started crying when you saw that he was too. “Whatever you’re going to say, don’t. Whatever you’re thinking, stop it right now. Because I love you. Fuck, I do. I love you so much that when I found you unconscious in a pile of your own sick thinking you were dead, my only thought was that I wished it were me instead”.

“Harry, you don’t mean—”

“My god Y/N! You don’t get it, do you? I would do anything to switch places with you right now. I would suffer a thousand times over if it meant you were okay. I’d suffer in hell for you. Nobody else but you has ever made me feel like this. I married you because I love you and I want to wake up next to you every day of my beating hearts life. I chose to have children with you, because I knew how great of a mum you’d be and what beautiful people you’d help bring up into the world—”

“But i’m not.” You cut Harry short, trying to pull your hand away from him but he didn’t let you - only tightening his grip and pulling himself closer towards you. He was so close you could kiss him.

“Not what?” He asked, although he already knew the answer. You’d both had this conversation before, but you were both tired of it and were ready for it to be your last now.

“A good mum. I’m- i’m not a good mum or wife, Harry and i’m sorry.”

“I told you not say it and stop thinking it, because you’re completely wrong Y/N. You’re a good mother and a good wife, because you are a good person.”

“But i’m not great.” You whimpered, thinking back to the drawings your Oli and Felix had done. “I’m not the best.”

“But you don’t have to be, baby. You see our beautiful, healthy, happy and safe babies over there?” Harry turned to look at them, love in his eyes as in yours. “They wouldn’t be all those things, no matter how you feel about yourself, without you. I could never have brought them up to be half the people they are without you by my side, the way you make me a better person. You claim you don’t got this, but baby you’re already doing it and have been doing it for 5 years with our children and so much longer with me.”

“I’m just so fucked up Harry.” Your head tilted back on the pillow as you got heavily emotional over the situation.

Harry shook his head and moved his hand to cup the back of your neck, moving your head forwards until it met his. The touch of his skin against yours, no matter where and how small, made you feel alive and you’d missed him and that feeling so much. You missed loving him so much.

“Listen to me.” He ordered, keeping you still. “You are strong and you are brave Y/N Styles. No matter what you tell yourself I will be here every goddamn day of my life, if I have to, to remind you that you are worth more than your fucking weight in gold. You are my heart. You are my soul and the mother to my greatest achievements. I know they are yours too, just as I know I am your heart.

“You are.” You whispered so quietly under your breathe, but Harrys heart warmed when he caught you saying it. He knew though.

“Just let me love you. Let me be there for you. If you want medication then let’s do it, and i’ll be there for every step of the way. If you want to go to a rehabilitation centre for a bit, that’s okay we can—”

You shook your head and licked the tears away from your face. You were both such tearful messes, but the love between you was undeniable. “No, no please, no.”

“Okay, okay, love. We won’t. See, you’re okay. I promise, you’re okay. Stay with me, yeah? I’ll love you and keep you safe, just as you will me.”

“Promise.” You told him sincerely. He brought his lips to yours with that single word. He was so proud of your for being so brave and strong. He wishes he was half the person you were. His lips conveyed those thoughts of his and you could taste the love and passion burning through his heart and out on to his lips. He tasted like home. z he was home. Your lips smacked together messily, but you didn’t care because you loved each other too much and had kissed each other even more. Once you pulled back he stayed close to you, smiling at you with such awe. “I think.. I think I want to try medication please.”

Harry didn’t say ‘okay’ or ‘sure thing’, no. He said four words that meant more to you in that moment that any others in the universe. More than saying ‘I love you.’ Words that reminded you that not everything is okay and that sucks really bad, but you’re doing your best to get through it. It was a reminder that you had so many people who loved you and cared for you. It was a gun at the starting line symbolising that the journey ahead wasn’t going to be easy, but worth it.

“I’m proud of you.”

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