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temikoangie · 1 year

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can you talk more about danganronpa 3 chapter 3… i’m very curious about your analysis on it and like, a slightly more detailed explanation of it bc i am deeply fascinated. only if it doesn’t bother you, of course

ohh anon u have No Idea what uve awakened in me . Quick Side Note , i truthfully didnt know where 2 begin explaining ch3 So If it looks scattered i Apologize i am Trying. i have ay dee aych dee . also obv drv3 spoilers Ahead.

when it comes 2 ch3 thje Big Big Reason why i like it so much bc Come On im the tenmikoangie guy !!! thats their Focus Chapter !!! but its also bc its just. different? from the other ch3 in other games ? while the past ch3s dont really have that much of a bond with eachother (as in the focus characters), in drv3 the focus characters are /deeply/ intertwined with eachother, including the killer to a degree. so much so, to the point that the ONE character who lived through losing Two of their Closest Friends, Grieved loudly on trial grounds, was able to start changing themselves so their deaths would not be in vain. Obviously it took more effort and trial and error on himiko’s part but hey, she’s trying!

also i feel like this is the chapter most people gloss over the most…? especially when talking about tenko’s and angie’s characters? this is where their personalities hit their peak!! most people tend to ignore the fact that tenko is a deeply caring and Very Emotionally tuned person in favor of the more creepy narrative, and angie being someome who ALSO cares but because her decisions are more logic based, shows it in Extremely Weird ways. to the point where the people outside assumes she is manipulating people into her bidding ( while there IS the whole.. God thing, i say this because through her logical deductions, she realized that attempts of escape, accepting monokuma’s motives, flashback lights and nighttime stuff are probably factors in what will make somebody go for murders. she’s insanely smart and makes a very good foil to tenko, who may be Dumb sometimes but he is a good empath!!)

their interactions r also pretty funny thru the whole chapter. why are they talking after one another is beyond me but i remember just whimpering and crying everytime they all talk . something is wrong with me !!

ok aside from that tho bc of this chapter i genuinely do think that tenko, angie and himiko all do care for eachother . tenko would not have gone out of his way to at least try to convince angie not to use the necronomicon !! angie couldve used the mole reveal to banish tenko from the council but she didnt !! and honestly we already know himiko's deal ( got closer to tenko during ch2 + was already closer to angie since liek . the beginning of ch2 ) . the point im trying to make is that they all had their reasons to just completely abandon ship and let the others to their own devices but they did NOT because to them their company or wellbeing is much more important! (actually angie not banishing tenko is probably bc her group is Moreso based on peace rathe thn fear BUT STILL !! she very much cares she just shows it weird . also she's lonely and tenko (aside from shuichi's fte) is like. the only other person who actively goes against her standing as a ''prophet''... Something She Herself liked so. make that as you will)

as for korekiyos . . . actually someone explained it much better thn i ever could but theyre liek . parallels to himiko . more specifically just as angie's and tenko's core traits really start to shine in her .. only albeit it turned into their downfall as they flounder harder and harder into the trial . everyone is a parallel of eachotherrr in their own waaayy . ............................. Sighs ? i wish more ppl went into depth into drv3 ch3 more i feel like there's a lot of missing stuff in there tht even I feel like i dont have much info on . ( this culd be bc i hadnt replayed drv3 in a while but . Not Right Now )

IDK i think thts most of what i wanted to talk about theres Definitely some bits and stuff i wanted to talk about but to add them here would 1) make it longer and 2) make it even Less comphrensible bc the way i write is so scattered and made even worse with me having to pause every now and then to try to recall details. sooo if there's anything specific u want me to talk about Please do Ask LOOL

#norse dialogue #idk girl as i said i tried to fit as much as i could of what stuff i liked and what stuff i wanted to see talked more abt #like tenkiyo... or the trial itself #idk!! idk #i suck at explaining bc my infodumps usually come out in explosions #BUT ITS OK its funny . as i said feel free to ask more about it if u need to

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yenafmd · 2 years

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introducing: nam yena (again).

surprise bitches, i bet y’all thought you’d seen the last of me. but no, i have no shame or self restraint and have returned after barely one month after my dramatic leave, believe me, i’m tired of my own bullshit too. for everyone that is new and has not met met yet (good for y’all ngl) i’m jamie! i hail from gmt+2, go by she/her pronouns and am 22 years old and i’m your resident overly emotional pisces, as understated by... all of this. i had told myself i’d be out of famed a little while longer, aiming for like, early next year after my exams etc etc but then i said,,, sike,,, and came back now. so here we are. below the cut, i’ll leave a rundown of yena. not much has changed in a months time, she’s back in her wild party girl era but other than that, she’s the same old girl we all.... tolerate? as for now, you can find here BIOGRAPHY, CONNECTIONS and PROFILE all up and running. if you wanna plot, do like this post, slide into my ims or hmu on d*sc*rd: winter gf goeun#5703 !

triggers: emotionally abusive parenting, allusions to hypersexualisation, implied alcoholism

so basics first, nam yena, yenny, 26 year old, cis female, she/her

she’s the... everything of calypso

ok no she’s their maknae, lead vocal, lead dancer, lead rapper, i know it’s a lot bear w/ me

she grew up in incheon as the middle one out of 5 daughters (...and oh boy... can you tell... the middle child syndrome is REAL) in a very strict traditional household, dad was never home and always working, mom was micro-managing every aspect of their lives

yena kinda was always the odd one out, wasn’t particularly gifted academically, didn’t really pull off the soft nd prim nd proper thing her mother demanded of her

there was a lot of rivalry between the sisters, to be the best, to get whatever little attention their parents held over them as a price to be won, needless to say there wasn’t much support to be found there either

yena hit her teenage years and realized that obviously she wasn’t gonna find the attention and love she was looking for at home and that’s when she discovered External Validation and oh boy has she not been the same ever since

got street-scouted for dimensions for having a pretty face and then skipped school to attend the auditions she somehow bullshitted herself thru on absolutelty 0 training

parents were Big Mad when they found out lol but they were also kind of frustrated of dealing with their Bad Child so they just shipped her off to seoul so 1) it would be someone elses problem and 2) in the hopes that if it blew up in her face she’d finally realize they were like Right or whtvr

as a trainee yena was kind of shoved into everything, like dimensions’ silly lil guinea pig, she came in as a blank slate and while she didn’t turn out to be outstanding in Any field, she picked all of them up quite well so dimensions was like ok bet bestie

didn’t debut w/ calypso initially cuz she was like too young and hadn’t trained enough yet

only sike she debuted half a year later anyway cuz calypso was kinda messy w all these members leaving and suddenly she was trained well enough ig???

(spoiler alert: she wasn’t, dimensions was just fumbling but whtvr)

kinda sucked in their early years ngl but made up for it w/ sheer enthusiasm cuz wow this was her dream even if their music kinda sucked or whtvr and she could hardly sing live without embarassing herself

but like stuff got better as she got more experience and she slowly grew into the bad bitch we all know and??? love ig???

calypso got sexier and yena shed the last of all the doctrination she had received at home only to tip to the entirely wrong end of the scale, suddenly she was a sexi party queen with a big mouth and a mild drinking problem

nam yena only works in extremes ok its either shy wallflower or absolutely insane i don’t make the rules

calypso hit like, their little relevancy peak in 2014 and after that she slowly got pushed into more solo work as well

if she alrdy did a fuckton of different things in calypso get ready for her solo work cuz dimensions was like, youre gonna do all the things, brand deals, acting, magazine shoots, variety

pretty privilege ig

no but yena’s biggest skills as an idol mainly lay in how likeable she can appear on camera and how hot she is and dimensions heavily leaned into that

yena rlly loved all her lil side projects and esp rlly rlly fell in love with acting

still enjoyed being an idol too but after their like 5 seconds of fame w/ expectation and female president, calypso kinda fell off again and now, like, 7 years later, not much has looked up for them since

doesn’t like, actively want to disband but she is just, burned out ig? so she wouldn’t really mind it either? like switching to some acting label and going all in on that rather than just, having to tend to a pretty much dead music career

definitely favors her personal activities and ends up cutting corners on her efforts as a calypso member when she doesn’t have the headspace/energy to give all her responsibilities 100%

(dw, this whole dramatic arc will only last for three months on, when calypso has their chart reversal.... i will not be held responsible for the person yena will be... gosh she will be INSUFFERABLE)

uh tidbits on her personality:

yena is definitely like the problematic drunk aunt, offering her juniors cigarettes behind the dimensions building and teaching them how to avoid their managers and all that

very loud and very outspoken, the kind of big mouth that could get her in trouble if she wasn’t so good at hiding all of that on camera, in her personal life tho, she Will go off and she will throw hands bitch

definitely tips into like, jaded and wary territory at times when it comes to trusting ppl and their intentions but thats just a lot of family trauma and generally shitty experiences with mainly men as a highly sexualised idol

big everybody wants to date me nobody wants to love me energy, being highly desirable and praised for being pretty has kinda fucked w/ her head and her self-esteem, definitely leans into like vain and super-ficial territory at times because of it

notorious party girl, knows all the good places idols sneak off to to get fucked up, has shown up to work morbidly hungover multiple times but haha nothing problematic about any of that :))

bi queen but also seeking external validation queen and attachement issues queen, good luck to anyone who like l*ves her or whatever

again, kind of cuts corners as an idol from time to time, has had some subpar vocal moments, lazy dancing, obvious lipsyncing but nothing rlly big ever came from it cuz... ngl who cares rlly anyway?

fiercly protective friend though, will not stand for any bs on behalf of the people she cares ab, also enabling friend, if u tell her u killed someone she’ll be like

material gworl, not all that ridiculously rich (tho her personal schedules definitely help in that aspect) but loves pretty shiny glittery things. very heavily into traditionally ‘femine’ things like make-up and fashion, again, tends to get a bit super-ficial but god damn it let her enjoy the things she likes and that make her feel good, they’re probably the least harmful of her hobbies

tends to jealous and competitive behaviors, very much rooted in her childhood

dang this all got v sad and shit but like haha at least she’s hot and she knows it!!!

basically yena is a trainwreck but like a fun one with glittery eyeshadow and a nice ass so pls be her friend!!!

#✿ — ooc.#famedintro #emotionally abusive parenting tw #hypersexualisation tw #alcoholism tw #//im going to keep using her old blog just... ignore anything ic that comes before this post yeah?#//is it the most convenient? no but i dont have the heart to delete any of it #//nd im too lazy to make a new blog

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hazelcephalopod · 2 years

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The Great Hunt Ch 9-10

Consequences catch up. An unexpected return -and unexpected joy to read. Followed by, new horrors found on the road.

Sry it’s bit late. But here. Things really picked up.

Disclaimer: this is my first read thru but I’ve watched all of the show thus far and been spoiled on some book things. So… I’m going to lean into that. Enjoy figuring out what I know, and what I think I know, and what I just don’t. Also s/x I add commentary when I edit.

Spoilers for the first and second book and all of season 1 under the cut. Potential spoilers for later books -idk if they’re light spoilers or not.

Ch 9: Leavetakings

The Flame of Tar Valon

POV Rand

Will they actually get out of the city this chapter? (Editors note- I think so. Just barely)

So TV (Tar Valon) does have some sort of armed force even outside Warders it seems like

Like horns! The moon that is

Love naming the man with one eye Uno

Awww. You were kinda an asshole tho bud. Like, I get why the boys are mad at him. Still tragic

The clothes thing is so infuriating yet funny to me. Because truly, some people stole his clothes and replaced them with different ones. Which is a fucking weird problem to have but still a problem here. Like all of this would be solved if they just talked to each other tho

… I suspect I’m going to be saying something like that a lot aren’t I!

Oh he’s trying so hard tho. Like apologizing and shit. That’s nice

Loial is the best. Loial and Verin both are currently on my list of favorite characters

Lan ‘Loial privacy’ Loial *steps five feet away* *opens a book* ( that’s how I imagined it, it’s wrong but eh)

Uhhh. “There will come a time when you must achieve a goal at all costs. It may come in attack or defense. And the only way will be to allow the sword to be sheathed in your own body.” -Lan to Rand on his last lesson ‘Sheathing the Sword’. No!

… I think at least one of them is going to regret that advice.

That is called self harm and potentially death Lan

Do the Aes Sedai even want people to like them? Like at all? Fear only goes so far

I mean a little but yes. Agreed Rand

Oh yea the town map

Bud I think that is a false equivalence but emotionally I get it

Lol. Sure. Nothing at all /s

“If Loial was an excitable Ogier, Rand thought most of them must be made of stone.” -(Rand)

I love everything about Ogiers

“Those who come to answer its call, well come whoever blows it, and they are bound to the Horn not the Light.” -Siuan on the Horn of Valere

Watching. Again. Is it something? Is it madness? Who knows?

Well there was someone there. And they appear to have attacked Siuan. And then vanished

… going for Rand?

“Lord Ingtar of House Shinowa”

Yea see so many people are traveling together in these sorts of things. There is for sure at least one laundress amongst them

Ok cool. Magic smelling prescience = sniffer. Cool

Many Shienaran cities have a sniffer on the payroll. Hurin is Fal Dara’s. He describes it as smelling violence and the worse the violence the longer the smell lasts. I think he can smell other things too?

Aes Sedai don’t understand them and they don’t like that

Magic tracker man basically

Is Fain worse than a Fade now?! Oof

Going to Toman Head I’d wager

POV change?

Illian?

Bayle Domon?! POV Capt Bayle Domon!

Oh right that contest!

Fireworks!

So two ironic names to go to a foul smelling port. I’m amused

So Capt Domon is from Illian. And Illian has warm summers

Bat and big knife. Excellent.

Inn: Easing the Badger. Innkeep: Nieda Sidoro (she/her)

Oh right that accent!

Three men, Cairhienin, coats embroidered with silver scarlet and gold

The ones Domon is meeting. They want someone brought from Mayene to Illian (I soon learn this is a lie)

Don’t want to deal with Trollocs anymore? Fair!

1k to pick someone -unknown and not meeant to be known- up and bring them back. No questions asked

Ok. Domon suspects the First of Mayene -a city state/province of Tear that doesn’t want to be- wants help form Illian’s Council of Nine for aid defending her land (I soon learn half of that maybe wasn’t important at all)

Some in Illian are all too willing to war with Tear b/c they think they a hogging trade from the Sea of Storms.

Indeed why is the Shadow after you Domon? They have to know he isn’t with Rand

Doesn’t believe in snow?

Illian must be really far south then

Cairhienin who paid in TV marks

Tarim Maeldan, the Sprays second

People have been killing his men? And they, or at least the most recent attackers wanted information

Ya leaving is probably a good idea. Sry anyone who doesn’t make it.

Yes! Fixing excellent! Opening the letter with a hot knife so he can reseal it!

Fucking love this guy. Best POV so far tbh

Ohhhh those fucks! He’s wanted, according to this letter, by the king of flaming Cairhien.

Galldrian su Riatin Rie King of Cairhien [house Riatin. Seal of Five Stars]

Lol. Truly, pretty shit at that if the Aiel war is any measure. (I know different guy but still)

Keeping it not a bad idea.

Ok Bayle Domon is now on my favorite characters list.

Antique collector too?!

…now I just want the adventures of Domon, Verin and Loial and trying to uncover history.

Oh this it great

Wait! Darkfriends want his antiques?! Amazing. Indiana Jones adventure but better! Oh guess that’s basically pirates too

Still pretty sure that was not about you but I love that you have like your whole own thing going on dude! I man sry but still, you seem very capable!

He’s being chased for a magic fucking flash light. [Lightstick technically]. They are very fragile and cause fires when broken. So love that (I soon learn he is not being chased for that. Probably. Certainly not that alone)

Allegedly makes you warm if you hold it long enough… feel like there’s something missing about that information

A saber tooth tiger skull?!

Oh shit… ya they don’t want the lightstick. They want the Seal to the Dark Ones Prison that Domon bought from a fucking shopkeep in Maradon!

Holy shit! That’s fucking amazing?! Oh I love this actually!

Also! Is that carving an angreal? The little man with a sword

I don’t even know if tasting fear is Talent I’m or just his feelings?

Eek. Too close to Almoth Plain better going to Tar Valon or the Borderlands imo

Well that was an unexpected fucking joy

I will be very sad if we never see Bayle Domon in the show. I’ll understand but still such a shame if we dont

10: The Hunt Begins

Horn

POV Rand

1/4 way thru

Finally truly left the city. Perfect time to fuckingtwlk to each other! Come on. You can do it

Mat you fucking shit!

Tbf pretty sure Rand has spent a month or so pushing them away soooo

Not dislike doesn’t actually mean like

Loial outran a horse?! Amazing

I like that a small contingent is still several dozen people

Deep breathes

Tbf. Maybe pack your own stuff next time.

Just don’t wear a coat

Lol

So Mat has just decided to be an asshole then. K.

… kinda curious as to why. Like is it jealousy? Being scorned? Dagger sickness? All of the above?

Oh good old prejudice. Lovely /s (allegedly the reason for Uno’s looks at Rand. He’s been doing that)

“An Aiel lord, maybe.” -Mat (scoffing) at Rand

I think Rand should give Mat one of those coats. Maybe he’ll shut the fuck up about it and is bs then. I’d say Perrin too but fear their sizes are too different also may not be his problem

Yea yea the Aiel don’t like anyone but gleemen and traders. Used to like Cairhien until that king fucked it up

Oh. Aiel don’t use swords, won’t touch one, and don’t ride horses. But are fierce warriors all the same

“If you have a sword, and the Aielman has his bare hands, it is an even fight. If you’re good… They’ve been there since the Breaking, near enough. Artur Hawkwing tried to dig them out and was bloodied, the only major defeats he ever suffered. By day the air in the Aiel Wastes shimmers with heat, and by night it freezes. And an Aiel will give you that blue-eyed stare and tell you there is no place on earth he would rather be… If they ever tried to come out, we would be hard-pressed to stop them. The Aiel War lasted three years, and that was only four out of thirteen clans.” -Ingtar to the boys -including Loial- ‘bout the Aiel

… meanwhile Rand is like ‘this stew reminds me of shepherding sheep and growing tabac in the two rivers where I’m from. And am a shepherd with my dad.’

Nearly caught them

“Hurin rode the circumference of the site, sniffing.” -Tgh

Camps a camp

That’s a person. Yup. Person. He’s gonna want away from that quick. & yup

When people say they don’t like Darkfriends they are not playing

Many days on a zigzagging chase after servants of the Shadow

Found a village at River Erinin

(Editors note. Not a POV change but a tonal shift)

Oh yea something horrible happened in this village

“Gone, my lord. But she was there. A woman in a white dress, at the window.” -Uno reporting on women he believes he saw in the abandoned village

Don’t like that

Oh something really horrible happened here

“…Ragan trotted up… His face was pale, the arrow scar on his cheek sharp, and he sounded shaken.” -Tgh. Ragan, one of the Shienaran men in the Hunt returning from scouting across the River.

… going back. I wonder what Siuan said to Mat and Perrin more and more

Uhg. Something real fucked up happened huh?

Hmm. Another option for Mat being a dick. Stress?

“Let Ingtar have the Horn. I just want the dagger for Mat.” -(Rand) thinking to himself seeing Mats reluctance for all this but having to do it to live

Loial always a pal

Yeesh Perrin. “This is how we left home…It we’ll be worse, this time.”

‘Cuz your about to see something truly horrific (I soon learn I’m right. B/c it’s obvious)

I think Hurin has some idea what Perrin is

Well that’s fucking awful. Won’t… don’t need to write out that one

Ohhhh yea. That’s pretty fucking bad. Uh.

Two named characters too. Changu and Nidao

Real dark.

I mean. That you want to bury. Just. Yea

Well um lore I guess. Shienarans bury their dead naked and with neither shroud nor coffin. Say a phrase. (Editors note: phrase below)

Probably Loial. Probably.

Very fucked up

“The Light shine on you, and the Creator shelter you. The last embrace of the mother welcome you home.” -Ingtar over the graves of Changu and Nidao

… apparently they saved Agelmar at Tarwin’s Gap so despite everything Ingtar believes they deserved at least that

Damn. Talidar was a battleground where Artur Hawkwing beat Trollocs and Fades so badly they never challenged him again. He raised a monument as a memorial for all the men who died in the battle. Sometime after his reign the monument was torn down and only the mound remains.

Hawkwing’s kingdoms broke into many others which then became the modern kingdoms due to conquest and alliances

Harad Dakar was a city of Hardan roughly in Shienar. Haddon Mirk was Mar Haddon. Almoth, Kintara. Altara and Murandy were formed via alliance. Other old nations included Maredo, Goabon, and Caralain.

Kinda confusing

Time happened to them

I… I feel like there’s more to it than that

A village in the wilderness after all?

Another abandoned village. This time in the wilderness

Ok. So the few people still living here basically bow down to anyone who offers them protection. They live in these tiny villages with short walls and ditches full of spikes mainly due to brigands. So basically lawless country, because no one actually want to hold the land. It was Hardan, then Cairhien and now the people think it’s Shienar and Shienar is like ‘I guess? Uh, we fight Trollocs. G’luck with those human bandits’

But this one is fully abandoned thus far

This is not a good room at all. That’s some horror movie psychological shit

Wtf? What is happening? Rand is having visions of the past? What?

What the fuck? What is happening? What is this?

Wtf?! What is this? What?

… I am horrified! This is fucking terrifying! Uhhh

Just dead… flies? No dead family that looks like they, idk, died of terror?

Ok. So… I have no idea. Das not good! (Editor me- kinda reminds me of a bad trip)

Oh. There’s more? Maybe… maybe it will make more sense (I soon learn. Not really. Not in this chapter)

I would not want to either. I’d never go in a house anything like that again. Ever

Oh no… village meeting hall everyone is standing in front of? Noooo…. Not- nope

“Everyone was standing like statues in front of a large building with wide double doors… a village meeting place. He joined the silent circle, and stared along with the rest.” -(Rand)

So. Yes.

Someone nailed to the door. Lots of nails

“Rand’s breathe caught. Not a man. Those black clothes, blacker than black… there had never been any eyes in that pale, bloodless face. ‘Myrddraal,’ he breathed, and it was as if his speaking released all the others. They began to move again, and breathe.” -Rand. And the wind moved a cloak which usually is not affected by wind…

Yea I think Fain did that. Uhhh…

Ingtar- ‘don’t know how that happened. Don’t want to. Let’s flaming go!’

Yes. Leave

Well the horror return bigger than ever tbh

“They rode away leaving the dead Myrddraal where it hung, the wind stirring is black cloak. Hurin was first beyond the wall, not waiting on Ingtar for a change, but Rand came close behind him.” -Tgh

#series of many thoughts on twot #< block or filter to stop seeing these posts #Tgh #tgh spoilers #the great hunt #the wheel of time #wheel of time #wot #wot book spoilers #twot book #twot book spoilers

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bixqueen · 3 years

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so thanks to hboMAX my pretty little liars obsession has started up again and when i watched pll the first time all the way thru (yes sadly it’s been more than once i have a life but also don’t) my favorite character was alison. as i’ve watched it more it changed (emily or spencer is prob my fav now) but going through tumblr, instagram, and even pinterest, i feel alison gets too much shit/hate from the fandom. so here i am, making a justification for her. if you really don’t want to see my side or pov then just keep scrolling because i don’t really want to see negativity in the comments (unless you’ll actually say something, a rebuttal?)

so let’s start off with alison being a small child and her household/family. we know how her parents would manipulate her and tell her lying is better than telling the truth. she’s had these really bad influences on her at such a young age (with secrets overflowing her house) and when you continue to have these influences on you as you’re mind is maturing, of course you’re going to eventually go through with them. now yes i know the other girls also had lying parents but were any of them as bad as alisons? i mean some things spencer’s parents kept and arias but they were also older at that point (middle of high school and up). i’m not saying it’s okay but they knew at that point in their life what’s wrong and right and for the most part they had been raised to not lie. alison wasn’t. eventually her lies caught up to her as well so even though she learned the hard way to tell the truth, she eventually did.

now we’re getting into the high school stage where there were MANY points as to why she would’ve ran away. if the writers wanted a better redemption arc for her i feel they would’ve shown her a little more broken in some scenes and such but anyways. freshman year isn’t absolute hell but it’s not fun either. having the mindset of making sure you’re not the one who will get hurt obviously forces you to have this wall and makes you a lot more mean than you really are. (i really feel this was a wasted potential by the writers not going more in depth about her mental pain but shit they didn’t do it with anyone tbh). her whole life kinda had build ups to her being so secretive and closed away (again if the writers went into more depth on this we would’ve seen maybe some trauma that causes her to be closed off and push everyone away. not wanting to show weaknesses) from everyone so it definitely wasn’t hard for her to find that bitchier side and let it off on everyone, not that it’s right, it just made her feel safe and protected. a main factor of this was probably being closeted. i myself am a bisexual girl so i know how it feels to question yourself the way she most likely did. it’s scary. really fucking scary. because you don’t know if there’s something wrong with you at first or if it’s just a stage and you’ll most likely pass it. it’s why i believe her relationship with emily was why she had no big deal leaving rosewood. yes we know she was being tormented by A before the girls were and she wanted to leave so she could be safe. but even with that there would need to be some other factors that kicked in to her actually leaving. A in the beginning for JUST alison was kinda like a bully right? i mean a little more extreme than that but it wasn’t as bad as it was when it started hitting with the other 4 girls. so if alison THE alison dilaurentis was being bullied by someone too scared to show who they really are, wouldn’t she just laugh some of it off? alison WANTED to leave before mona gave her the option. she was scared. and not just of A, but of who she was. and who she loves.

if we’re looking at what alison does for emily versus the other girls while they’re being tormented by A, you can tell she cares for her more. she saved emily more than anyone else. she said leaving emily was the hardest part of it all. because alison was in love with emily, just like emily was in love with her back. obviously running away and faking your death isn’t the best option for having internal panics, some people just don’t know how to manage it. especially being the bold person everyone sees and talks about. imagine seeing her walk out of some therapy session teary-eyed. she’d feel so weak in that moment, so vulnerable. isn’t that one of her biggest fears? people seeing she’s not as strong as she comes off to be and they can use that against her. her fear for being vulnerable also brings me to her being SO scared coming back to school after faking her death. ali, the queen bee, is terrified. this kinda brings to me childhood pain (personally this is why i thought of it lol rip). maybe her family thought showing emotions was weakness you know? and when you open up they kinda laugh at you and they’re like “you think you’re life is hard?? you’re a kid.” (i’m sure i’m not the only person who’s heard this mf bullshit bedore). where i’m going with that though, is it could’ve been placed in her head at a very young age (also this is so dehumanizing and traumatic damn but it makes sense) that you have to shut out all feelings and emotions. it really makes people numb and being emotionally numb as a child and teen is dangerous for brain growth and development. makes sense why it took her forever to feel safe and okay opening up to emily about her feelings and showing emotions around the girls. when you’re seen as this “bitch” who doesn’t make down from a fight, it forces you to turn emotionless.

so the way she acted out the night she went missing and her freshman year wasn’t ideal and it really wasn’t okay. but the audience never saw what she was going through mentally, hell even after that. we see it a little when she comes back and talks about the night she went missing. imagine your own mother burrying you alive. god the trauma that must STILL have on her. being under pounds of dirts, unable to move or talk. your own mother doing this to you to save someone else. i’m not trying to put it as she’s only been through things and no one else has cus of course that’s not the case. i just think people often dismiss her pain and trauma and just say “she’s a bad person and deserves the shit she’s been through.”

i’d also like to add her type of crowd she was around wasn’t the best sort of people. imagining being a freshman and hanging out with college kids who would throw some girl down a flight of stairs. i feel like that also had an impact on her mental health and what she believed was okay to an extent because i mean verbally bullying isn’t okay but at least sis never pushed someone down the stairs 😭 (worst thing she did is definitely blinding jenna. i really don’t know how to defend her actions for that one. you could say she didn’t know anyone was in there? or that she didn’t know she had- it was a firework right?)

last point i can think of: paige vs alison. of course i have to add this lol but my main point with this is both girls were mean to each other. did alison start it by calling her names and such? most definitely. do i think paige should’ve retaliated? to an extent. but she went as far as teaming up with others to have alison go to jail for a crime she didn’t commit. their revival wasn’t just one sided and again i think people often forget that. they’re continuously like going against each other at every chance they got. it was funny but also got annoying. ali would shit talk to paiges face then paige would go whine and cry about it to emily to turn emily on her side. i mean did we forget paige manipulated emily against alison? (yes ik alison was the manipulation queen when she was younger). really what i’m going with this is that they’re more alike than they’ll admit to an extent. me personally, i like alison and emison more. i never really liked paily but paige grew less annoying in later seasons. but when comparing them, i believe paige had more damage on emily than alison did. even when alison was ‘dead’ she still saved emily’s life at times (including the other 3 girls) and did things to protect them. i don’t remember paige saving emily just trying drowning her because she was a little jealous. another thing i know someone will try to bring up about them is how “alison was never happy for emily” well shit bro neither was paige 😭 i’m on season 7 right now and there were some times paige took a liking into stalking emily while she was dating that girl who worked in the cafe (sorry i can’t remember her name rn). and when emily talked about being with that girl she was kinda like 😐 k. alison is the type to speak or show her mind while paige seems to keep to herself then shit talk others behind their back. both qualities aren’t exactly the best so both ‘sides’ can go against each other for years on this. they’re just more alike than people realize.

anyways, there’s that. if you have any opinions (WHERE YOU’LL ACTUALLY ARGUE SOMETHING AND NOT JUST SHIT TALK ME!!) feel free to leave a reply. and if i left out something you want me to add in i will :) have a good day <3

#pretty little liars #pll theories #alison dilaurentis #emily fields #emison

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buckaroundandfindout · 3 years

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truth be told I don’t think buck was triggered, by disarming? surprised, and maybe surprised at ayo? idk maybe it’s a hot take but...

first I’m reasonably certain he doesn’t have as much anxiety about his arm, comparatively. Everyone’s different, and shit hits everyone different. I’m sure that disarming is horribly traumatic for a ton of folks, but for Bucky? Idk, I just don’t think that’d be the thing to shake him or send him spiraling.

I get the vibe that he was always way more scared of getting his mental autonomy taken again by those words in his head rather than anything about his arm. he seemed pretty chill about living with one arm in Wakanda (might’ve been happy with that forever tbh), and he seemed fine about not having an arm before they put him under at the end of CA:CW. Whereas in the beginning, he broke his ass out of supersoldier containment to try and stop Zemo from using the book + words to release the soldier.

(But hey, again— for some people bodily autonomy would be the worst thing and there’s nothing wrong with that. For others, it’s mental autonomy, or could be emotional trauma that hits way worse. Different for everyone, and this ain’t the misery olympics. It’s all valid.)

I def read like the arm was more a weight, a burden physically and emotionally, that he needed to put down for a while. And then when asked, he picked it right back up, willing to carry that burden a while longer to do what he had to do

But he’s kinda... still fighting? And still wearing it— even tho he doesn’t really have to in TFATWS? He’s got the choice to put it down now, if he wants (and apparently easily, holy shit Ayo). And since he hasn’t put it down, I think that says a lot.

Because, conversely, I don’t think there’s a situation in all of reality that would make him cool with picking up a new set of trigger words, yknow? Our boy literally cried from the catharsis of being free from that (in a way he hasn’t about his arm). If anything, I could see that being his breaking point— I think he’d truly prefer to tap out than go thru anything like that again.

So yeah— that’s one reason I don’t think the arm thing was that big a deal.

second, I don’t think he’s fragile? Kinda not actually “worried” (the man is fictional, remember that kids).

Frankly, he is one strong motherfucker.

He’s been thru an idiotic amount of shit: War. Prisoner of war. Torture, brainwashing. Guilt & blood on his hands. Amputation. Losing everyone he ever knew, not just his family. Most def has some flavor of ptsd with all the nightmares. Being treated as criminal for something he couldn’t control. Fighting to stop the planet from ending. Losing his best friend, and then watching some offbrand chucklefuck try to fill his shoes.

And he’s still here.

And still fighting.

What the actual fuck.

So yeah. I guess I just don’t feel like he’s gotta be babied. Because it doesn’t really seem like he needs to be handled with kid gloves about...anything.

He’s in therapy. He’s got Sam. He’s doing alright with making amends and with Yori, he’s learning how to manage the weight of his past. He got a haircut, which lemme tell ya after trauma is fucking freeing. He’s even sucking up whatever shit he’s got with Zemo to do what he thinks is the right thing. And he can still kinda laugh about shit, joking-but-not that he’s crazy & semi-stable. He has a sense of humor, however dark/dry/sassy it may be. So maybe he’s a little broken, sure, but. Shit, aren’t we all?

He’s nothing if not resilient. Holy shit is he resilient, he is still. fucking. going. after all that. And that’s a mood I feel deep in my soul. probably doesn’t see himself as a hero, but he’s absolutely my hero.

I am 100% probably projecting because boy howdy do I see myself. But tbh seeing Bucky keep going is like fuck yeah man, you and me both. ain’t nothing gonna keep us down.

#bucky #james buchanan barnes #bucky barnes #tfatws #thank you for coming to my Ted talk

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b0ttl3d-up-st4rs · 3 years

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Well I'm gonna do what I do best and self reflect to an insane amount. This is probably gonna be a long post so buckle up.

To be honest my behavior for nearly the past year now is concerning to say the least. There's this little voice in my head that just desperately wants to get more and more hurt, more and more traumatized. Why is that? At first glance the negative approach could be to say its some sort of masochistic behavior and any negative repercussions as a result of this behavior is deserved, but I don't really think thats the case.

Self sabotage is a characteristic that can be exhibited in many mentally ill people and I am no exception. I think this behavior, of seeking to be hurt by grown men on the internet is partially self sabotage.

And I remember when I first started this shit show, I just wanted attention. Sounds mean to say, but craving attention is something the human soul desperately wants. And I was starting to feel some sense of self beauty but I didn't feel as though anyone around me was appreciating it so I tried to get attention from grown men because being showered in compliments and attention felt so good when my whole life I've never gotten any of that.

I think there's more too it, though. Looking back my whole life it's almost as if I've wanted to get hurt. In books I liked to sit around with the pain the characters felt. And its almost like I wanted to get traumatized. I've heard that people with trauma that they don't acknowledge is trauma or think its bad enough to be traumatizing seek put worse forms of trauma, in order to feel that pain is valid. And I think that's part of my issue too.

I do have unaddressed and repressed childhood trauma. I was given unrestricted internet at a young age and was exposed to the horrors of the internet. Nothing like straight up porn, but a lot of suggestive content. And in general being exposed to that caused me a lot of catholic guilt as I was raised catholic. I remember feeling like knowing these things were my fault. Many days I felt so guilty that I would pray to god to let me not wake up in the morning.

As a child I also questioned my religion a lot, which i think was traumatic in itself. Religion is a big thing. And as a kid I had a big issue knowing reality from fiction. Heck I still do. I remember as a kid my friend telling me that we were all demigods and one day we were going to run away to camp half blood. That the percy jackson books were real. It sounds stupid now, but I processed that as real and it was so stressful for me.

And I remember being 12 coming out as trans and as a part of the lgbtq community to my parents. They didnt react well. They said I was confused. My mom said I was both too young and too old to know. I fought a lot with my mom. And in general have a lot of unhappy memories from then. I was outed multiple times in my life.

My relationship with my parents still isnt good. My mom has a tendency to be toxic. I hate that I have to stay in the closet around my family its so painful. Like a month ago I mentioned the lgbtq community for the first time in years, asking my mom her opinions on it and if it changed since 2017, and it turned into her yelling at me and making herself a victim. It really hurt. I forgot how much it hurt.

I don't really have much of a relationship with my dad. We barely talk. Hes very emotionally distant. When I'm at my dad's house I sort of fend for myself. Its the exact opposite at my moms house. She's overbearing and never leaves you alone. It's like going between to extremes.

And honestly I can't wait to move out. My mom and I have arguments a lot. But hey at least I have some relationship with her, I don't really have a relationship with my dad.

I remember one time this year, I was during the end of a school semester. I needed to catch up on work because after talking to my abuser for like 5 months and then unlocking him I was left in shambles and fell into a really bad depression to where my motivation for school just disapeared. Im still dealing with that tbh. Anyways I had to go to a online meeting to choose my classes and I didn't get to choose the classes I thought I would be able to, and that made me really upset. But after the meeting I had to go to do am act of kindness (I chose picking up litter at a graveyard cause i like graveyards) for my school project but I was still distraught. If I was given some time to myself I probably wouldve been able to go without issue, but my mom wanted to go immediately. We argued. And when I got there I refused to leave the car because I felt so much like shit. We argued more. It was the worst argument I ever had. She even swore at me. Which she's never done before. And she ended up playing victim again. She does that a lot I guess. And doesn't really listen to my feelings. Whenever I try to communicate about my feelings with her it turns into an argument and she makes it about herself. So yeah our relationship isn't the greatest. And I think having mommy and daddy issues is a trauma in itself. Ppl deserve to have happy healthy supportive families.

Oh right and another trauma I completely forgot (funny how that happens) is when I was 14 and admitted to a mental hospital because I tried to off myself. It was so surreal and they forced me to learn how to make eye contact with people cause apparently thats "how they know im doing ok". Which is kinda fucked considering the fact I recently realized I might be autistic. And eye contact is literally so painful for me. It especially was back then. Anyways the place itself wasnt too bad but the feeling of being trapped overall sucks and being disconnected from the rest of the world isnt fun either. Also I dissociate all the time but I especially dissociated hard thru the whole experience. And sort of made myself into the perfect patient, repeating all their bs and literally lying to myself to convince myself that I was ok so they would let me go. So that was kind of weird.

Anyways I know I have it better than others. And honestly sometimes it's hard to tell what exactly was traumatic in my childhood. I probably forgot and repressed other parts of it too and am forgetting things. But needless to say these unaddressed traumas didn't help my mental state. And i do think that's a big part of the voice in my head begging me to just get hurt more.

Overall my mental state is fucked, It's been really hard for me not to be taken advantage of by another internet pedo. Heck the only reason that isn't happening rn is because no ones dmed me yet. Also I unblocked my old abuser and we are talking again now so thats fun. It definitely doesnt help the cognitive dissonance in my brain of him being actually a nice and supportive dude. I think thats also a part of me wanting to get more traumatized. Since my abuser is a nice person that should counteract all the fucked up sexual things he said to me in the past right? I mean others have it worse, had worse abusers that were actively cruel. That's part of the bitch in my subconscious brain talking. It sucks tbh.

Anyways yeah I probably need therapy but I don't feel comfortable talking about this to my current counselor and honestly its really hard to say out loud. I can talk forever about it by writing it down but the moment I speak words from my dumbass mouth I break down in tears and can't do it. Plus idk, I'm scared if I say anything she'll have to tell my parents and that my phone might be taken away or I'll have less privacy and for a closeted queer where my only current life line is the internet and my online friends: that is a terrifying idea. Idk. I'm fucked basically.

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meibemeibelline · 4 years

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highlights from that 32k word doc i wrote when i marathoned gazette’s songs (2002-2007)

PART 2 | PART 3

Some quick notes:

This is a combo of thoughts on music, lyrics and sometimes just funny things I found while I was hurriedly typing at 11pm listening to these songs. Not every song will be featured in these, sorry

At times I directly quote translations and when I do I’ll specify who I’m quoting, but just so you know first they are all either Defective Tragedy, Heresiarchy or Trauma Radio

Also, I’m planning on writing some longer essay-type things with these notes so there might be some things I skip over (such as a recurring theme in their songs) bc I want to use them elsewhere

CONTENT WARNING FOR LYRIC DISCUSSIONS: suicide (Ganges ni Akai Bara). i will bold the title so you can skip it if you want. it’s one paragraph long

HHHH this is already 2k words but anyway hope u enjoy my ramblings

“I’d have to take a break from feminism to appreciate [Akai One Piece]”

“His delivery is still highly emotional and [Okuribi] overall is really emotional. Like the fact you can still hear and FEEL the sheer bittersweet feelings (mostly sadness) of someone you love passing away is like...really telling of 2002 gazette’s potential”

(Doro Darake no Seishun) “Bitch Aoi and Uruha are serving LOOKS like the red tartan blazer with the black shorts???? And Uruha with the red tank top and the pleather skirt with the garters THE OTHER GIRLS WISH THEY WERE HIM”

(Haru ni Chirikeri, Mi wa Kareru de Gozaimasu) “it’s about a flower that’s in love with a one-winged butterfly, and i imagine the point is that even though they sing songs for each other, they’re just so different that they don’t understand each other and they can’t be together. and they’re just...fated to end, and maybe try again next spring. and you can see that in human relationships too.”

“Akuyuukai i think is such a significant turning point musically like i just FELT a significant shift where they were really painting with their music and having it be more closely connected with the lyrics”

“[Linda Candydive Pinky Heaven] is a happy and fun song!! it’s doro darake no seishun’s cuter and cooler older sister. this also gave me a lot of serotonin and i’m glad this is a classic. it’s also this band’s first fan song (or closest to a fan song) and i think it’s quite meaningful because they were picking up as a band and were starting to really connect with people which is always so so great. and i think it’s cool that many songs before this were fun songs to jam out to but linda is specially DEDICATED to that. it’s so carefree and i think like...this is the exact thing many musicians love about performing and what fans love about concerts. it’s the escapism and just the SPACE to be yourself and have fun. it’s so freeing.”

(Black Spangle Gang) “I can’t believe GazettE were doing 2005 Miyavi before Miyavi did 2005 Miyavi”

(The Murder’s TV) “I think it’s cool how playful they make it sound -> like a creepy show that kids might see and the last chorus is pretty good. it’s a bop AND THE BASS AND GUITAR SOLOS SLAP. The lyrics are really interesting too and I LOVE the way Ruki embodies them with his voice”

“BITCHHH MAD MARBLE HELL VISION SLAPS. THIS IS WHAT I CALL NOISE MUSIC!!!!!!!”

“The composition on Kawareta Haru, Kawaneru Haru is actually SO good (and the costumes are fucking ICONIC). And Ruki is STILL getting better at singing. The chorus is melodic and the effects on the guitar just go so well like I think the others (probably since Akuyuukai actually) have been really getting to play with all sorts of effects on their instruments to make this new variety of sounds which is super rad. AOI SOLO SUPERIORITY BTW.”

“Indie gazette really love their key changes in the bittersweet songs in the last choruses.”

“Comparing the lyrics of [Sumire] to many of the last ‘goodbye’ songs, there’s a lot more imagery and scene-painting as opposed to like, just direct thoughts and feelings. And that’s really Ruki developing as a writer, I think, as his lyrics are becoming more subtle and open to different interpretations which is super cool! Like this is really him finding his voice and I know he’s going to be doing more of this over the years.”

“ANATA NO TAME NO KONO INOCHI SLAPS BUT THE LYRICS ARE FUCKED. LIKE, I KNEW THIS FROM THE BEGINNING BUT I REALLY WISH I WAS JARED, 19.”

“I LOVE MISEINEN SO FUCKING MUCHHHHH. I can only begin to imagine just HOW significant this song is for Ruki. This is him acknowledging his weaknesses and his flaws, looking around him and seeing the people he has, he writes about what he’s afraid of, he writes about how he’s going to change and move forward, what is MOST VALUABLE to him. This is A LOT. This is A LOT for anyone. It is a song about GROWTH – how he wants to grow yet is terrified of change, but even so is going to do it with the help of his support system. This is EVERYTHING. It’s raw and brave and so very beautiful. It has Wakaremichi and BEST FRIENDS energy. These three songs are best friends. And also like, for the last couple of releases Ruki’s been doing lots of wordplay and metaphors and using euphemisms, but this set of lyrics is just completely honest and STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART. Like, there ARE metaphors and symbols but he’s talking COMPLETELY about himself and his FEELINGS. I get emo whenever I listen to this song.”

(Carry?) “Apparently it’s about Frankenstein’s monster, so I guess this is another Concept Song. So this explains the flat vocals – the monster is undead but also…very sad and confused about what it is and its place in the world. ISN’T THAT ALL OF US ON SOME LEVEL…HAHA…”

“Zakurogata no Yuutsu is that 2010 fb meme where someone sees their partner right before going into a heart surgery only to wake up to find they’re gone and the doctor is like ‘omg who do you think gave you the heart😔’”

“WHAT THE FUCK WHY DID I SLEEP ON HANAKOTOBA. THIS IS AOI SONG SUPERIORITY. THE GUITAR SOLO IS ALSO GORGEOUS. Also love what he did with the melody getting higher in the end when the narrator questions the existence of the love they lost. AND THEY DIDN’T RESOLVE THE FUCKING CHORD PROGRESSION OHHH MY GODDDD BECAUSE “I’LL WITHER AWAY, NEVER KNOWING THE ANSWER” //THROWS. THESE GENIUSES. THIS IS THE BEST SONG ON THE ALBUM SO FAR AND THAT’S👏ON👏AOI👏SUPERIORITY👏Also I know that, literally, Hanakotoba is a flower on the side of the road but LISTEN. This is a soul that just wants love...This is the anthem for us lonely invisible bitches <3 This song has the MOST yearning. Thank u Aoi for my life. Like he is TRULY the composer with the most emotionality.”

(Tokyo Shinjuu) “I LOVEEEE THE BASS. This has a very old, classic Japanese style and it’s just…so good. You can really hear it in the melody. Also there’s just something SO feminine about it and I KNOW it’s that classic Japanese sound and like…god I love this gender bending with music. I adore the guitars too I think there’s such a good balance between them.”

(Shichigatsu no Youka) “I love how the lyrics are between sections too – the most emotional parts are in the big, emotional chorus, and the verses are more mellow when the narrator is sort of…more detached and Not Crying… The guitar melodies are really pretty and the solo is just GORGEOUS. It’s such a bittersweet song as well (god GazettE just do bittersweet EXTREMELY WELL) like bruh…already being sad over a breakup and OH DOUBLE WHAMMY THEY’VE MOVED ON like. Ruki sweetie I’m so sorry.”

[a rant about how I know Saraba is well-meaning and is about the peace and unity of a nation and is EXPLICITLY anti-war which I can definitely appreciate but my Chinese ass was just NOT having the whole painting the Japanese army as heroes deal]

(Reila) “Ruki’s vocals are SO GOOD here. ALSO YELLING AT THE BASS AND KICK DRUM BEFORE THE SECOND VERSE WITH THE PIANO. THE WAY THE KICK DRUM PANS THRU THE EARS. MOTHERFUCKER. AND THEN TO COME IN WITH THE GUITAR SOLO HOW DARE!!!!! YOU PLAY WITH MY EMOTIONS LIKE THIS!!!!!”

“COCKROACH SLAPS. Love that he reframes being compared to a cockroach as like, resilient (I’ll never break through -> I want to believe I’ll break through), and he’s embracing his crudeness and taking a huge dose of PHUCEMOL.” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

(Sugar Pain) “God Aoi’s intro though………..I HATE THE BREATHING SO MUCH. No I’m actually really angry right now why is it actually good. YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE GOOD.” (I then had to stop after the first chorus for obvious reasons)

“Idk why the first thing I thought of when Bite to All started was ‘yeehaw’…[Also] I hate how I know exactly who is screaming at the end and when.”

“BTS 🤝 GazettE Gunshots in songs”

[My personal interpretation of Nausea & Shudder is not that it’s about the pressure of being true to oneself in the face of success, but rather that success itself is not what Ruki expected it to be and he’s figuring out how to navigate that and move forward. It is also just a really good set of lyrics.]

“There’s just a hopelessness that’s so profound in [Bath Room]. Like if depression was a song IT WOULD SOUND A LOT LIKE THIS… Up until this point this is the Darkest song AND WE’RE ONLY GONNA GET DARKER FROM HERE *sweats in DIM*”

“I love these unsaid words Ruki leaves in the booklets. Adds layers and messages for the listener (usually of hope)”

(Silly God Disco) “After reading the lyrics I love this song soo much more. Like it’s actually really nice to think about dancing and living life because you have rock music and it makes you happy. Also the FUNK. The flavour. Not only that, but the way Ruki SWEARS he will live happily, without fear, and always moving past pain and towards freedom and glory. And he INVITES the listener with him. This is just SO nice.”

“I think it’s interesting that like…for an album that is sort of Known to be depressing as hell, there are quite a lot of songs about resilience and just…living and moving forward. Depending on what the rest of the albums are about, NIL might actually be, weirdly, the one with the most hope in it.”

(Worthless War) ““Do you shoot first so you won’t get hurt? / Do you call that sort of thing ‘justice’” damn Worthless War spilled. This sounds like a whole lot of anxiety surrounding war, and a very strong criticism against the government for caring more about power than people. Even though violence is despair, he also says that this age of political tension and FEAR is also despair. And he is correct. Ruki: ALSO THE EARTH IS DYING???” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

(Rich Excrement) ““Lyric killer is erectile dysfunction” + “Biters should check it out too” -> you’re a limp dick who rips off other people’s work I AM SCREAMINGGGGGG.”” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

(Crucify Sorrow) “The main metaphor here is someone who is an insect with a broken shell – an empty person. With depression, probably…And I cannot help but think about Utsusemi, in which he uses this EXACT metaphor to describe himself and his own depression, his loneliness and his desire to disappear. Was this a coincidence??🤔”

(GANGES NI AKAI BARA) “I really like this song – music and lyrics both. Like even though it’s sad that the girl was in a lot of pain, kills herself and is condemned by her church, the narrator bringing her to Ganges and doing a sacred ritual for her so that she can find salvation is actually really really kind and meaningful??? Not only because it’s an act of kindness but also because the pain she was experiencing was emotional/mental (with the constant tsu-tsu-tsura-tsura-tsurai), salvation could relieve her soul from exactly that.” (Apparently Ruki said the narrator is Buddhist but in the context of the song Hindu makes more sense, so I’m just going with that)

(Calm Envy) ““If you could love even these words I’ve thrown your way / I could keep trusting only you as you stand in front of me / It hurts every time you bring up the past you’ve suddenly shown me / I want to love even that empty space where I don’t exist / I’ll wipe away my tears so you wouldn’t notice them / So don’t smile in front of me anymore than this” – SHUT UP THIS SHIT IS REALLY UNCONDITIONAL BUT THEY’RE TIRED OF BEING HURT. GOODBYE. GOODBYEEEEE.” (Cr: Heresiarchy)

(Circle of Swindler) “Ruki writing "how much do you buy us for? let's negotiate [the] value of pain" in circle of swindler to demand respect and acknowledgement of his worth from the higher ups of the music industry because it's the music born from his pain that's making their money is Quite sexy” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

“[Stacked Rubbish] is about the baggage we have, the baggage we give each other, the Errors we make precisely because we are People who have souls. I think the point (of this album being like an anthology) is that everyone could find something in this album that speaks to them.”

#the gazette #the gazette ruki #uruha #the gazette aoi #reita #the gazette kai #ruki #aoi #kai #if you're on mobile and following any of these tags i'm SO sorry #if this pops up without the cut #also wow i'm really procrastinating HARD

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tfw-no-tennis · 3 years

Text

mtmte liveblog issue 17

and we’re back!

phew I had to take a hiatus to work on other projects but now that those are done I'm baaaack

god I'm SO fucking excited for this arc, I fucking love it

OH NO TAILGATE...I almost forgot...this poor little dude

REMAIN IN LIGHT BABEYYYYY!!! I fucking love that title, talking heads is probably my favorite band Ever, and that album is one of my favorites, so when I first saw it here I was super excited lol. it’s such a good title, both for the album and for this arc

tailgate goes right to cyclonus ;_; hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

also...I just love the way milne draws cyclonus, he’s the perfect mix of terrifying and handsome, and also goth

ohhhhh I forgot about the framing device used here, with rodimus in jail later on in this arc, narrating retrospectively

cybercrosis, add that to this list of amusing robo-puns, as a play on (I'm assuming) necrosis, aka tissue death

oof, ratchet saying that tailgate ‘lived a full life,’ which is fucking brutal because we as the readers know that isn't true :(

tg is right tho, it seems v uncommon for tfs to die of old age. that's some shit luck right there, espec bc tg is basically a baby who was asleep for 6 million years

ratchet talking abt pharma and looking at his hands...I See That

ratchets bedside manner leaves a bit to be desired hvbhjdsubfjsd jesus dude

and then there's cyclonus, whos also pretty terrible at being tactful

AUGHHHH and then cyclonus, like the emotionally repressed icon he is, goes and claws his own face up in grief rather than express any emotion to tailgate :( I'm in physical pain thanks

rodimus is like, wait...informing my crew about my actions? lmao? uhh what quest...oh yeah we’re on a quest. yeaaaah whatever man

the portal helllllll yessssssss

poor tg drinking away his impending death

oh man, chromedomes weird fucked up skeleton arm

rodimus hhvbhjaudsfbjaskdf he’s like yeahhhh I'm not even gonna pretend to indulge in democracy, we are GOING thru that giant ass space portal whether you fools like it or not

AND THERES THE MFING MOON BABEYYYY!

luna 1!!!!!! they found the missing moon BY ACCIDENT, fucking iconic

still cant believe rodimus’s office is HOT PINK with a FLAME DECAL around the door. unreal

awww I love percy

rodimus, in a shocking show of maturity, admits that rung was correct to be harsh with him about the whole overlord thing

the squad gettin together ayyyy

rodimus reminding us all that this ISNT just a party ship full of frat boys, people have DIED

when you see tg and realize that that was cyclonus’s request ;_;

aughhh and cyc saying ‘never hope. hope is a lie.’ that kills me man aughhhh

like, cyclonus clearly doesn't want to deal with the emotions he’s feeling over tg dying so he’s trying to make sure that tg accepts death and doesn't hope for a cure, bc that would hurt cyclonus MORE, and he’s already unused to all these ‘emotions’ n shit

I'm sorry but the MARBs just look so fuckin dorky bvhjakbdfhsf beep beep here comes the dweeb squad!!! lmaoooo

cd being like ‘can’t we just drive’ and perceptor is right there like :| LMAOOOO

also I love cd saying ‘sometimes I wonder why we even have alt modes’ bc I feel like that's such a witty dig at the fact that in this series about robots that transform into cars, we rarely get to seem them actually DO that

its especially interesting when you consider how important functionism is in this story - alt modes are super important in that context, but we still rarely get to see them. hell, we literally NEVER saw megatrons alt mode, which is still crazy to me

ohhhh man I love that panel where the whole moon lights up, that's just amazing

congratulations, rodimus! it’s....a shitton of babies!

also broooo I ufcking love the fact that you barely even notice that rung ALSO hopped down onto the moon at the same time as rodimus...brilliant

god now I need to go find that ‘am i pragnent?’ video lmaooo

why....why did you have to use the word ‘fertilized,’ jro. why....

cold construction lore time!

do I wanna do my big biology speech here? I'm trying to figure out where it would go best...I think ill save it for later in this arc

god I fucking love brainstorm. his entire little speech about how he ‘went to marches’ for cold construction rights and whatnot is so funny with the added context that he’s an MTO and wasn't even around for that

skids, don't just sit in the spooky oil reservoir, alone, after you just went thru a mysterious portal, you should be more genre savvy than that

what am I saying, this is the guy who wants his memories back even though he’s been told multiple times that it’ll probably traumatize him to death

brainstorm with the 0.1%er spark [eyes emoji]

I love percy just being horrified at the lack of proper scientific conduct from brainstorm like, all the time

I see the cons have their own edgy, weaponed-up version of the MARBs

MINIMUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love him aughhh I'm so excited for the stuff w/him this arc

also I totally forgot that you’re supposed to see him introduce himself as ‘ambus’ and be like whoa wait is that dominus????? or someone adjacent to him????

skids vs legislators: part 2!

P H A R M A

DR THOT HIMSELF.....back and immediately making a hand pun, with his chainsaw arm displayed in full glory....amazing

cant believe jro named this one ‘the fecund moon,’ which forced me to google what ‘fecund’ means, which led me to go ‘oh good lord jro WHY’ lmao

I do love that we don't see the ‘part 1 of 5′ til the end - that's a great small reveal that hey, we’re in an arc now!

so there's the end of issue one of remain in light! aughh, I'm so fucking excited for this arc. my first two readthrus this was one of my favorite arcs (my other fav being the time travel arc), and I'm excited to see if its still at the top for me

I feel like the first time I read thru I like this arc a lot cause I actually understood most of it hbvhadjkfbaksjf unlike all the previous stuff, where I was a bit more confused - at this point I at least had a decent grasp on the characters and relationships, so that helped a lot

also apparently one of the songs of this issue is ‘heaven’ by talking heads which AUghhH that song makes me wanna float in the ocean and look at the stars. idk. also I find it a little ironic that that song isn't off the album remain in light lol

either way I love this issue, strong start to the arc with lots of intrigue and worldbuilding, and clearly some incoming status quo changes...cant wait!!

#lj rereads mtmte

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horrorfilmadddict · 4 years

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Anyway, here I am really bothering you and not leaving you alone, aren’t I?

I wrote you this letter from the bottom of my heart. I hope you have the patience to read it, sorry it’s long. Anyway I hope you look back on this letter and know my intent was pure and with love. Tell you what I really feel. What my heart tells me.

Dear Sue,

I write you because hell, might as well put my thoughts to “paper”. No one knows about this page except you.

Sooooo when it comes to us, or just women, the way it goes after you get dumped or put down is

I shouldn’t care anymore, right?

I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable if you have moved on from me. It’s just you have to empathize with me. My heart was ripped out of me.

I wonder how you’re doing, do you miss me as much as I miss you. Do you still think about us, the butterflies, Do you still want me as your man, haha stupid questions I know. Ive been getting by with henny and romantic comedies haha but hey again the whole us blowing up was my fault. I do hope you’re doing ok mentally, spiritually, emotionally. Truly I do wish for your well being. I’m just relieved I didn’t break your heart, again, better me than you.

I miss my dream catcher, it hurt like hell giving it back and the Disney tickets. I didn’t do it to hurt you, just spare myself of seeing them and thinking of you. You once or maybe several times, told me you always think of me. And now You really do cross my mind a thousand times. But anywho I hope my t shirts get put to use btw not as cloth rags 😂😅, along with my hoodie. Better uses than my birthday gifts, little mike, red bag and all, pennywise, alll in the back of a car, hidden in shame or just not treated kindly in my opinion.

I feel what drove you to end us was me not paying attention to the anger issues. Me, making excuses would say, you should’ve sat me down and stressed the danger of pushing you away, causing you to do some fucked up shit. But I was dealt Karma. I am a hypocrite to complain, since I did the same to you but I hope the caring you will see what massive effect your decisions made.

I also see that you dealt with a lot of internal conflict, feeling like I’d only want to change when you’d be leaving. I didn’t mean to make it seem like you were stuck in a bad never ending circle, i did make it feel that way, nothing hurts more to see someone you love do that to you. Again another mistake on my part of not realizing you were leaving, hurtin due to that type of attitude and behavior that came from me.

You are such a big positive force in my life. You are. Which is why I made bucca a big deal, I know it was extremely unfair since it was my fault we couldn’t hang long but thinking back you probably didn’t say yes to being my girl because you already were someone else’s, that kills me, that’s why I felt so betrayed by you. I mean I was in shock, just thinking why would you do this to me, pretty traumatizing. I feel your emotionally unavailable stuff was all a fat lie. It’s killing me inside why you didn’t just sit me down like a human being and talk to me.

Nonetheless you’re a special beautiful woman that I love for her smile, her jokes, her dorkiness, ability to no matter what is going on, be worried about me, how I was doing, feeling, no matter what troubles you were going thru. One of my favorite things about you is your ability to sing, that truly melted me, the idea of riding in the car with you and singing, expressing ourselves through music. I really did drop the ball with you, I have to live with that, the reason why I’ll hold on to you for as long as I can is because of what you mean to me now. However I do know Eventually emotions fade and memories with them so eventually we will truly fade away. If you haven’t already.

But still this was out of left field. You are a sweet heart and I think you already know that. You’re ability to stand by ppl you love, obviously not me 😅but the way you stand by Ana as her support even if she doesn’t match your love for her, she does love you and I pray she does come around because man she’d take a fat L losing you, or with Emily, the way you spend quality time with her as your friend. Little things that have big meaning and are easily overlooked. But yet you find ways to make ppl feel special before yourself.

You are an amazing, beautiful woman and I mean it. The sooner you see it, the sooner it will help you feel like you should be happy to be who you are.

Ever since that day I have been at a loss for words. You’d probably say it’s dramatic but I’m living with a void in me. What happened? When did I lose you, I guess that’s the point of feelings huh, you don’t see them coming. I had no chance to fight for you this last time. In a way I hope the time away from me, really really clears your mind and heart so you can see if you really did love me, and maybe you have a good good explanation for yourself as to why you did what you did even though not two weeks before had you said “ i hope you still love me” “te amo”. You can lie to me. But not yourself. For me as much as it hurts to think of you not choosing me, that’s what happened. And if hes what you truly want, I can live with that.

I often think about all the times I’d ask you are you sure you still want this. And I break down mentally just trying to find out why you’d say yes but then play me. Don’t get me wrong It was a lot of work to work on us with me however I feel I was on the verge of getting that down, like I understand it was far from perfect but did I make you feel loved I wonder. Probably fucked up too much for you to say yes.

I was only about you whether I was upset or not. I thought I was mending all that tbh. Somewhere along the way your words really had me thinking I was loved like I never have been but your heart was wanting another at the same time. Haha I’m all worked up because of what I thought I meant in your eyes. It really was like hey you’re enough and I want this to work. And so I took ALL you said to me to heart. Which made the heartbreak that much more painful, I’m glad I didn’t do that to you because, the guilt would kill me, what I did with Daria and you still does. I still have the crying clip of you, after I left bby.

I wish you’d talk to me about it, I really do, for you to just show respect for what was there, for your words of I love you, cariño, Habibi, that you said to me. Honor their memory just give me true closure. I can leave you alone, never speak to you again. Drop off a map and disappear you’d literally never hear from me again if that’s what you really prefer. But if not and communicating was an option, I’d want to know where I lost you. If it makes you feel a tad better I feel once it sinks in that you are gone, and the emotions and memories fade, I will truly leave, disappear to become an insignificant memory by my own action just to give you peace, ya know. Do right by you for once.

But for as long as the emotions and memories last in your heart I’ll take pride and hope the sunflower really sticks, it’s a symbol, a memory. Every time the song comes out I do think about you, makes me wish I was miles and youd be my white girl, mi hermosa guerita. Sounds juvenile but I really was excited to teach you more Spanish for when you’d meet my family. How sweet, a thought. Those are priceless. Hope the song brings you positivity on your path. You’ll go far with make up and doing hair. I still think youd make a great YouTube horror movie channel host.

I do love you, make no mistake about that. I will for as long as that fire burns.

As cheesy as it is, you made me feel like the hero or the lucky guy who gets the girl like miles here. I believe in my heart I coulda done amazing by you, I know a version of me has to be out there In an alternate reality where my dumbass got things right, fuck this sucks, for me of course lmao 😂 you do seem to be doing fine and I’m thankful that you’re loved and still loving someone, it’s a special gift. Just make sure you never use I love you carelessly like with me.

If I had the chance to do it over again I would, never hurt you and let your love complete me, help me feel not alone.

Ps: the app shows my edit in a better way

You changed my life for the better by showing me what a woman is capable of, what you bring to those you love. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say my guard is fully up yet again and I’m afraid haha afraid to let anyone, ANYONE in. I thought I was safe with you...

You’re with me in my heart. lol kinda sounds like Tarzan huh

Well uhhh gtg 👋🏽

*g lock handshake

I really am sad and sorry we just ended the way we did, no talking, no hugs, no last kiss. I miss you Habibi, I do. You were my Disney princess. 🌻

Well with that long ass letter, I leave you here. Probably, it seems for good , soon I’ll delete my social media and I’ve already started looking for another job. So while my heart will be spoken for as long as it chooses you, I won’t be around anymore, too painful and this is the first time I’ve had my heart broken, like truly.

So,

Kenzy Sue Schumacher

ich liebe dich

Quizás en otra vida

Love,

Your cariño

Ps: Someone actually read the entire thing and liked it lol hashtags huh

#journal #letting go #venting #reflecting

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unproduciblesmackdown · 5 years

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Thoughts on kleinphy

yes.....

Every Time i want to emphasize my take that i’m totally adamant about that like, 90% of the time seems to go against ppl’s ideas abt jared and connor interacting, but i do not think at all that they would argue all the time. connor is like, the Most confrontational in that apparently he gets worked up and lashes out really easily, and i swear jared is the least confrontational. and i mean, i could also just base the idea that they’d never fight on their One Interaction. jared just halfasses what could hardly be called a comeback and bails. they could’ve argued right then but didn’t, because jared is a little baby. also jared’s bringing up that printer thing from a literal decade ago; i’d go so far as to say he’s like, definitely a bit nervous about connor in particular, maybe a bit scared of him even

so like yeah in terms of them being comfortable interacting with each other there’d be that same difficulty ppl are talking about, but like, i don’t think it’d be like oh they keep having back-and-forth spats if they get within a meter of each other, but it’d be like....jared is the Most Sensitive to direct conflict and when he’s too nervous / he’s upset, he just up and runs off. and meanwhile, connor’s over there sort of primed to read everything anyone says to him in the most negative / antagonizing way just to be safe, and what with jared not being the most sensitive when it comes to the way he talks to people, yeah there’s obviously gonna be conflict there but they’re not gonna argue with each other; if jared sets connor off somehow then jaers just gonna bail again and there won’t be any chance for actual fighting

that’s my preamble always and like, The Problem Could Be The Solution in that like, connor being liable to blow up at people, and the way jared can come off meaner than he Means and just has trouble with letting anything like a gentle demeanor or his real emotions thru his facade = kind of the biggest problems for both characters, and those problems sabotage their own happiness and also their relationships, so working on that stuff would be something that helps them on multiple fronts. and since they are both each other’s “most likely to set the other off with ur Problem AND most likely to be set off by theirs,” the idea of them figuring out how to be closer w/ each other = the idea of them having to confront their own ~Main Issue~ and be a lot more conscious of it and take care with how they’re interacting.......like, that’s a tall order, and it would be far from an overnight thing or something they could just Decide to stop struggling with / know how to fix entirely on their own....it would take a lot of effort and there’d be slipups and they’d also be having to figure out a new main coping/protective strategy to deal with their shit so like......i always see it as like, it’d definitely have to be a very slow, day-by-day, incremental process in the early stages of their relationship. they’d both be getting used to the idea of trusting the other to not actually be interested in hurting them, and that kind of trust would be best established by like, just taking time and getting these pretty consistently repeated examples from the other that gives them that reason to have that trust. just sort of small scale intimacy at that point, like, maybe neither of them are expecting to be great friends or anything, but for both of them it’s a big deal just having a kind-of friend that’s still real, so. talking and texting sometimes and small, everyday sorts of favors and kindnesses would be reasonable and contribute to building that sense that hey, this is actually okay

and like, this whole Process of trying to rein themselves in a bit would mean they’d understand why the other needs them to do that, aka they’d understand that the other is like, also all emotionally vulnerable and sensitive cuz that’s all the teens for you..........but then anyways in my mind anyways it’s like oh hey, as they continue to get closer they’d have that Understanding and want to continue that dynamic of being kind of soft with the other cuz they want that softness in return......like every step of being closer to each other keeps needing time so they can go slowly and build up confidence in each other gradually enough to quiet everyone’s insecurity, yknow? not to say nobody can make a damn move every now and then whether in terms of being like hey i want you to know i care about you or in terms of like hey let’s kiss maybe, but like, overall i just think everything would actually be really like, gentle and cautious and be more about slowly and carefully setting this foundation of consistency and trust even in terms of “i can talk to this guy if we see each other and it’ll be fine” and then slowly and carefully build up to “we’re sort-of friends-ish who might text each other now and then or hang out for a bit if we don’t have anything better to do” and then build up to “oops we’re friends for real i guess and i didn’t exactly notice the transition to it” and yknow, on from there

like idk the way i think about it is more in terms of it’s actually kind of quiet and messy conflicts couldn’t be their Normal b/c a) they wouldn’t have fights cuz b) jared for sure would just bail at that sign of conflict especially if connor’s rly acting out and like c) also connor seems to also have that tendency to bail, so. each instance of Fight / Conflict would be a big problem that they’d have to deal with and get through, rather than something that just happens constantly with both of them exacerbating each occasion and it’s not a huge deal to either of them beyond being annoying or whatever.....

anyways tldr Yeah and i have a tag for it so there’s also that

#and that tag is #kleinphy #i always give weird responses more about the Idea Of The Dynamic As A Slowburn all in general and abstract terms #because i am not creative :(#Anonymous

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supersoldierslover · 6 years

Text

Hard Feelings Part 5

Summary: (Modern Au) After the death of your only living relative, you find yourself lost in life and your feelings. To make things worse, you have to deal with Steve Rogers someone from your past that is more present in your life now than ever.

Pairing: Steve x Reader

Words: 1823

Warnings: Flashbacks in italic, talks about sex and people being dumb

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 Part 4

The 15 minutes ride to the restaurant until Steve’s apartment is quiet, very quiet. You couldn’t stop thinking about your encounter with Pierce and what he might want. Once your grandmother said, never trust a man that thinks he is better than everyone else.

And if this is not the best way to describe Pierce you don’t know what it is.

Steve was also quiet, and even a little bit nervous. You could see by the way he was tapping on the wheel of the car and for the vain, that was popping out of his neck.

He parks in front of his building, it's being so long since you been. For a brief moment you feel that you are in a trip to memory lane, you have been in his front door so many times but you never feel as anxious as you right now.

His place didn’t change a bit; he still has the same white walls in his living room, with the same black couch and that blue rug that you hate it.

“Do you want anything, maybe some water or a coffee?” He asks running his finger thru his hair, he keeps walking around the living room making you nervous. You walk in his direction, holding his head in your hands making him stop “I just want to talk, Stevie, ok?”

He nods, picking your hand and leading you to the couch “I don’t even know how to begin; I don’t want you to hate me and after I tell you everything you will.” He says in a small voice, afraid of what you are going to think about him after he tells you the whole truth.

Your hand caresses his cheek, you could never hate him, you tried before and it was useless.

“Steve look at me.” You say biting your lip, when his big blue eyes meet yours you feel like you could cry. They look so sad “I will never hate you… I can’t. Even when you broke my heart, I couldn’t hate you. I just need to understand things, what happened between us… what you feel for me. The uncertainty is killing me.”

You say sincere, he hands go to your neck and he kisses your forehead sweetly. When you two were together he used to this all the time. When you were nervous and need it some comfort or when he was the one needing reassurance.

“I’m so sorry; I never wanted to make you suffer. All I ever wanted was to make you happy, but I ended up breaking your heart.” He says looking down and running his hands thru his hair.

“So, do you feel sorry for me? Are you doing all this out of pity?” You ask feeling your heartbreak inside of your chest. He looks at you surprised with your reaction “No, of course not. I love you, I’m being in love with you since the first we kissed almost one year ago.”

You hide your face between your hands, letting a few tears fall. All this time you thought that he was sick of you and all your baggage no, he loves you.

“That doesn’t make any sense, why didn’t you ever said anything to me? We spend five months together, I thought that we were friends with benefits or fuck buddies.” You say getting up from the couch, you feel like you can’t breathe.

You know that you have strong feelings for, Steve. But do you love him? You felt so lost without him because you were in love with him? For how long do you have these feelings? You have so many questions that you don’t have the answers for.

You know the exact moment that you knew that you need it him in your life. But this was love?

You feel a pair of lips on your naked back, kissing every inch of skin “Do you know what time is it?” Steve asks, making you turn around to look at him “Time to go to bed?” You ask hopeful, you feel exhausted and all you want is to sleep for four days in a row.

“Very close but no. It’s midnight; it is your birthday you are officially…” Before he can say your age out loud, you pull him to a kiss “You never say a lady’s age out loud, Rogers. Your mom never thought you anything?”

“Let me make it up to you, birthday girl.” You expect him to start to kiss your neck or to go down on you but no he gets of you and picks something on his nightstand. He sits by your side giving a small blue box “Steve, you didn’t have to.”

You open the box, seeing a beautiful golden bracelet “It is gorgeous, thank you.” You say putting the bracelet on “I am so glad that you liked, I spend a lot of hours picking it for you.” He says kissing your shoulder.

He lays on the bed, pulling you to his chest. You feel his hands on your hair, brushing lightly making you very relaxed “What is on your mind?” He asks asking you away from your thoughts “It’s not exactly a good subject for a pillow talk.” You say kissing his chest.

“Please, tell me.” He begs and you can’t say no to him “About my parents if they would be proud of the person that I became.” You say hiding your face in the crock of his neck “I am sure they would, you are amazing, sweet and caring. Tell me a little about them.’

“There is nothing to tell you, they died when I was three in a car accident. I know they went out a date to celebrate their 4 year anniversary, my father was the one driving and I was at the manor with, Nana.” You say simply, you feel his fingers tracing patterns on your naked back.

“I look a lot like my mom, the same hair color, eyes but I do have my father smile for what I can see in the pictures.” You say looking at him, kissing his lips “I’m sorry, I wish there was something I could do.”

You shrug “It’s not your fault; I just need you to hold me for now.”

“I didn’t want to pressure you to be in a relationship that you weren’t ready or that you didn’t want to be in. Since college I saw you breaking up guys when things got serious, I didn’t want us to end because of me.”

You feel angry, Steve was not like the other guys that you dated in the past, no one of them made you feel like him. He made you feel safe, protected and happy. You hate that even for a second he compared himself to them.

You come back to the couch sitting by his side, your fingers gently trace patterns in his thigh” If you love me, why did you break up with me? What I did that was so wrong? Because I am sorry.” You say resting your head on his shoulder

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” He says holding your chin, making you look at him “Around 7 months ago, Pierce called me in his office, I thought he wanted to about expend his department budget or something like that… he didn’t.”

He takes a deep breath, putting his hand over yours “He said that he knew that we were together, I remember how he laughed and said that he had connections inside the company that I could never imagine…. I should end things with you or he would fire me and all my friends and they would never work again.”

You look at him perplexed; you knew that Pierce was an awful person, a power-hungry man. But even this was too much, he wanted to ruin your happiness just because he could do it? “Of course at first I didn’t believe in him, but then a few friends of mine were fired of the financial department…”

“So you did what he wanted.” You complete the sentence for him, you want to be mad at Steve, ask how could he do what that you but in the end you understand. Steve was with a heart of gold, he would always put each other happiness instead of his.

“Yeah, it broke my heart to do this to you, this last 7 months without you were hell. I could see how hurt you were and I all I wanted to do was to have you in my arms again but I couldn’t.” You clean a few tears out of your face, making him a look at you.

“When Nana died, I knew that Wanda was in Brazil and Bucky was on the other side of the planet working… I couldn’t let you go thru all this alone… I didn’t care about the consequences, I just wanted to make things right if you. I understand if you can forgive me or you never want to see me again but I am glad that you at least know the truth.”

“Steve, it is ok. I don’t forgive you because I don’t think there is something to forgive. You did what you thought was right, it hurts of course and I wish you had talked to me before doing anything but… I understand.”

You say sincere, you don’t know if you two can go back the way things were or if you two can even be together as a couple but you don’t feel hurt anymore “But we do need to solve our, Pierce problem.”

You explain your conversation with, Pierce during lunch. How creepy out you felt when he touched you and how you hate to admit that you are afraid of him. When you finish, you feel emotionally exhausted.

“I know that we need to do something and trust me I am working on it but I think we need to rest before doing anything else.” Steve says getting up from the couch “I agree, I am going home to let you rest.” You say getting up and going to the door.

“Stay, please.” He pleads holding your hand “I don’t know, Steve… I feel really confused right now.” You don’t want to do anything that you regret, including having sex with the man that you are not 100 percent sure about your feelings “I am not asking for anything other than a nap, you take the bed and I stay in the sofa. I just don’t want to be alone.”

He is being so sincere that you know that you can’t say no to him “Ok, but we share the bed. Your couch is tiny and you are huge man.” He laughs, leading you to his room “Are you sure? I don’t mind sleep on the couch.”

“If I am going to sleep here, I want to have you by my side.”

Part 6

The tags for this are still open, so if you want to be tagged just let me know. And next week is Christmas, do you guys prefer this to be posted on Saturday instead of Sunday? Or Sunday it’s good? Please let me know as well. Please leave feedback, because i’m in love with this series and i want to know what you guys are thinking about it.

#steve rogers x reader #steve rogers imagine #steve x reader #marvel imagine #marvel x reader

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nofxs2gv · 3 years

Text

09.09.21 5:11 pm

Today was my second day back to work after being gone for 2 straight weeks and before that at least a half day out every week in the beginning of August.

Not many people in my row this week but 3 of my coworkers made me cry today, one from my old unit.

The guy who sits one cube down from me brought me a big ass Frappuccino this morning, surprised the hell out of me…I had no idea that was coming. He was telling me yesterday how he was worried because it’s kinda rare that I’m not there and he felt like he wanted to reach out but doesn’t have my number. I mean, I don’t go handing it out to just anybody soo…yeah…but that’s so thoughtful.

My neighbor right in front of me, she was so sweet, she said she was so happy and relieved to see me. She gave me a box of chocolates and a card with a handwritten message inside🥺.

I heard the guy turn, he sits in front of her, and jokingly tell her “HEY. Don’t talk to my friend 😆” and then he IM’s me saying “see, we care”

Then out of nowhere, my friend from my old team walks by and leaves the sweetest note on my desk, she didn’t really stop to talk because she was in a hurry to get back to her desk which is in the next building. I check on her often but I haven’t had the chance to go see her in a few months because work is busy and I don’t like to be late or rush around. I stopped smoking April of last year so i don’t meet her for smoke breaks anymore and she’s trying to quit now so that’s good.

There was also a very nice surprise on the way home. Never expected that either. Funny how the Universe makes shit happen, it’s definitely up to us to go with the opportunity presented or fall back and decide not to get involved. I’m so grateful🥺 Had to hold my tears back right there.

I don’t talk much to my coworkers, or anyone really for that matter, but if they feel like they want to talk to me I do engage for the most part, pretty much just listening, and I have brought in food and things for them just because: Friday or whatever and on Mother’s/Father’s day and Christmas and Birthdays so it’s not like I’m a rude bitch, I’m just reserved and shy…I stay out of the way as much as possible.

I just don’t expect anyone to notice me or care. I’m not looking for it and when I do for / give to anyone it’s because I’m moved to do it, not for anything in return.

I’ve not had nice people surrounding me for a lot of my life so it’s emotional for me when someone is nice to me, even tho I know that’s kind of a basic gesture and maybe not always as genuine as someone who is kind, I don’t take it for granted either way. It’s a big deal to me if someone goes out of their way to accommodate, include or consider me. And sometimes it’s hard to accept. Well, all the time it’s hard to accept. But I’m learning to swallow it and instead of just feeling the gratitude on the inside but not feeling that it’s ok to show it on the outside, I have been trying to do both for the last 5 years. But no one needs to see me cry so that’s kept to myself.

I’ve been telling myself and trying to practice for the past few months “Expect everything and nothing…” anyone is entitled to; change their minds, forget me, move on, move away, come close, be nice, be mean, give or receive or whatever the case may be and it’s best to not be caught off guard either way and react emotionally, it’s more conducive to respond with grace. Especially with my terrible anxiety I have to learn to anticipate the unexpected but not want for anything in that way…expect it all and not at all because anything can and will happen at any given moment…or not. This life is full of twists and turns and life itself is extremely hard sometimes.

I’m just trying to be authentic, the me I’ve always been inside 100% of the time, I’ve had her tucked away safe from the environment I was in, but instead this transition just kind of ebbs and flows because I sometimes get my feelings hurt (because I stay in my head and over think everything, no one is going out of their way hurting my feelings for the most part…there have been a few assholes tho). I go thru ups and downs just like anyone else and I am just used to being shut down because of where I’ve been. Especially with knowing I’m not getting any younger and I’ve literally been alone and kept myself away from any kind of possible situation for 5 years now, I get anxious about it often but maybe I’m supposed to be alone? Or maybe I’m supposed to wait a little longer?..I don’t know but I do know what is meant for me will flow freely to me or send for me to come, it will take time and happen when and if it’s supposed to and it will always be for me…I won’t need to beg or ask repeatedly or chase or any of the other bullshit I went thru for so many years before. My person will want my authenticity no matter how different I am. Even tho I’ve kept myself away from even the idea of getting involved, one person was able unlock and crack open the door ever so slightly…shining their light into the basement I been hiding in after about 4 years. They had to leave tho but they still have the keys.

I’ve not spoken / text much to anyone for about two months and I’ve not posted much anywhere in about a month or so. I’ve just felt I need to be alone and quiet and I felt it coming, the blinds were lowering little by little for a few months before I went dark. I have become so accustomed to isolation throughout my life in various capacities, tho in this phase of my life it is definitely a positive. This wouldn’t be the first I’ve taken a time out but I think this might be the longest one initiated by me and not under circumstances where someone else is controlling me and my life.

Quarantine last year was literally the best for me (I know it was extremely terrible for others…like deadly) I was already about that life but some of what’s come of it since is very beneficial to socially selective and anxiety ridden people like myself. Grocery pick up / deliveries, less people outside, social distancing, I’m still meh about masks but I’d rather wear it than not and I do even tho it’s hot and not super easy for me to breathe all the time mostly because I don’t wear the disposable kind…I also don’t go anywhere sooo and I don’t have to wear it while walking and talking all day like I know some of us do, there’s more art and value for it, and just so many other things. Of course lots of people showed their asses (Karen’s) too and all kind of other bullshit so there’s good and bad in it as is in everything. Yin Yang.

Without the bad we cannot appreciate the good. My life has never been smooth sailing…ever, like since the birth of baby me. I’ve had so much bad in my life, but not as bad as some and I know my life could have ended up worse…or just…ended. The good sometimes overwhelms me but in a good way…it also doesn’t help that I’m just a naturally passionate and sensitive person and I seem to feel everything a bit deeper than most people. That’s hard for a lot of people to understand. But also…

I am under no obligation to make sense to anyone, and neither are you💜

Damn. A lot happened today.

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dayoung-remade · 6 years

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tea on all moon signs 👀 ,, and also i !! really !! love !! your !! blog !! my heart flips everytime u post ajhssjsjdj 😤💓💘💞💖❤

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insecure-hbo-the-recaps · 7 years

Text

hella blows

Previously on Insecure: Issa is cool with Daniel, but he knows what it is. She’s all about her hoe-tation. Molly’s dad cheated on Molly’s mom which made her feel stupid enough to sleep with Dro. Issa wanted to make sure Daniel knew they were both seeing other people.

Issa’s alarm goes off and at first it looks like she’s beyond late for work. But it’s something even worse than that: she has to get up to move her car out of designated parking to a free side of the street before she gets a ticket or tow. Ikr? About 65% of the reason I want to move out of my current neighborhood even though it’s a huge hassle. “Ay! Your bumper bout to fall off,” some idiot points out obliviously. “Thanks!” Issa trills in a curt “no duh” kind of way.

Molly is working late. Dro calls and she hesitates before answering, clearly not looking forward to it. She thinks they’re going to have a serious conversation but of course he is just calling to shoot the shit. I feel like probably unfairly this paints Dro as suspect? Who fucks their lifelong friend while in an open marriage and then calls like nothing is different? I get the counterargument that that may be WHY he would call and act like nothing is different. But I don’t trust these fools.

Molly gets a call on the other line, and tells Dro she has to go because it’s her mom. But rather than brace herself for the sure emotional baggage that would come from that, Molly actually doesn’t answer, and just sits there thinking about what a mess her life is. She and Dro apparently have plans to see each other the next day, which is ostensibly the real reason why he called.

Shout out to Issa’s superfluously woke outerwear. She’s wearing that sweatshirt with a somewhat less than casual long skirt by the way. She has no car, so she has to take the bus. She eyes some latino kid as though she recognizes him. He regards her awkwardly as if he recognizes her too. She slides Daniel a potential come thru text and heads into her apartment, bored and restless. She has an email for somethin called a “Sexplosion,” which is appealing to her in this moment of drudgery. She bored.

Deciding this particular boredom is not something she can merely abide, Issa figures maybe she’ll stop in on Neighbor Bae. Her bathroom freshen up routine consists of mouthwash and an aggressive verbal affirmation seminar. She’s one hundred percent gasssed up.

She obliviously heads downstairs and knocks on Neighbor Bae’s door. He is surprised to see her, but he’s clearly pretending not to know whether or not he asked her over, which is polite. Issa assumes her dropping by should be welcomed, but Eddie has company. He makes needlessly polite excuses when honestly he didn’t have to because who the fuck is Issa? Mama gotta have a life too.

Although Issa has to vent via mirror freestyle (“I could cry right now I’m so embarrassed and mad, I hope you can’t get it up and that her pussy is trash”) I mean, come on. Be reasonable. You’re going to have to get a much thicker skin and a lot more comfortable with rejection if you’re going to try to be about that ho life. And you know what, it’s not for everyone. I had a friend who for some reason thought she was this perfect princess in her mind when really when she’d tell me stories I’d be looking at her like this is some random bitch who will do cocaine with strangers on a first date and then fuck them on the way home so why you think you deserve a doctor husband though? The answer to that question is that she was white and therefore delusional, but the overall point is that not everybody can brave the harsh landscape of being single and dating, and if you try to fake it you’ll just end up crying at bars when men ask you why you’re single (which also happened to this friend).

I really hate when I take accidental pauses like this one lol:

As Issa irritatedly deals with not getting the dick she psyched herself up for, she gets a double whammy of rejection when Daniel answers her come thru text that he’s busy. Issa is not feeling singleness at this moment. There’s an interlude with Baby Voiced Darius where he asks her, just randomly for no reason, if she’s going to Target. “Why would I be?” Issa snaps. I mean, it’s a fair question. I’m potentially going to Target 40% of the time in any random day.

In some other cool, quirky, millennial loft in Los Angeles, Lawrence is making some kind of pitch to a motley group of assembled coworkers. So now we finally get some details on the elusive Woot Woot: “it aggregates all of your data, where you shop, where you eat, where you drink, and it makes recommendations based on that.” Motherfucker how is this any different from all the bullshit Netflix keeps recommending me 67 times that I’m not going to watch, or how google is so Big Brother on us now that if I’m watching or listening to something and decide to look up part of it, it can autocomplete my search based on less than one word? I mean to say… technology been way able to do that for a long time, bruh. Everyone cheers and applauds and Lawrence, in a very ugly navy cardigan, grins big at what seems like praise and encouragement of his idea. And… this was the idea he’d been working on while unemployed for two years? AND WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH “WOOT WOOT”?!

Two guys that I’m going to assume are Lawrence’s superiors are giving him feedback. Bosses in the start up world look like this:

I’m glad I’m not inclined to this field because it’s honestly not something that I think I would be able to take seriously lol. They say it’s great and they loved the presentation. While their feedback sounds positive and Lawrence obviously thinks it’s a vote of confidence, if you listen closely they’re doing nothing but praising him individually and offering compliments to the fact that he is working hard and competently, not praising the viability of his work specifically. They make no comments whatsoever about the app being a good idea or potential product. Then, just to underscore the fact that they are Clueless White People, the fat guy asks Lawrence about his shoes, and calls them fly. I would take issue that at this point it seems like the show just makes fun of white people just to mock them and make white people as a whole unsympathetic but on the other hand… white people stay doing fake bonding shit like this when they don’t have to, so if they look bad, then, motherfuckers, stop doing the shit.

Where do you suppose Issa and Molly are? I’m at a loss as to whether this is a Chinese restaurant, a really shitty travel agency, or somewhere where you can get your eyebrows waxed for eight dollars. Molly is telling Issa she’s worried that she may have fucked up her friendship with Dro, and Issa points out that that wouldn’t be surprising considering that she fucked her friend. I think that it’s nice just a couple episodes ago Molly was having this talk with Issa, and now Issa’s having it with Molly.

It turns out they’re in a mechanic waiting room while Issa gets an estimate to fix her car. Molly opines that Dro is the only person/man who’s seen her at her worst so why would she go and complicate things this way? And the way I feel about that is… if you start fucking a married man you really can’t be thinking about any of this shit where he may potentially be a person that is anything other than a married man. Remind me again that at some point during this story line I take a complete break to tell y'all about how I was fucking a married man. The point is anyway that Molly is doing the most emotionally when you’d think it would be easy to understand that in a situation like this specifically you need to do your best to chill. Her current thought is to tell Dro she doesn’t want it to happen again when they hang out later that night.The mechanic comes back and tells Issa they’ll have to order parts to do the repairs (which duh she’s getting body work done) and it’ll be about 5500. Issa balks at that price tag.

Remember in the previous episode where Molly and Issa talked about a vacation? Molly still wants to go (listing a bunch of countries and islands that start with M, prompting Issa to chide annoyedly “there are other places with other letters”) seemingly oblivious to the fact that if Issa can’t afford to repair her car, she can’t afford to go on vacation. In hindsight, this show really put a LOT of effort into very deliberate continuity between episodes, for really small things.

Issa is frustrated because she had been doing really well with all her various life parts and now all of them seem to be scattering out abruptly. She’s still having trouble accepting that men she’s seeing casually aren’t just available for her whenever she wants them to be. Ok so… how are you saying you want Daniel to know to stay in his place, and you want Mexican Bae not to expect anything from you, but you want them to be willing to do whatever you want when you want it? Again: be reasonable sis. If you’re gonna dish it out then obviously you have to take it back too. Then she acknowledges sex with her is mediocre and, again, this is where she loses me. I don’t think I would ever describe sex with me as “acceptable” except on occasions when I know I am making no effort to leave an impression. Come on now. Half the dudes I got to stick around as adults - when sex is less of an issue and everyone has more baggage - is probably 80% because sex was the only draw. And I’m partially joking (clearly I have the delusionally high self esteem of a complete asshole and I like it that way), but seriously it’s something that you have to think about as you get older. The Panties Card gets flimsier and flimsier, until it is no longer a guaranteed bargaining chip to maintain someone’s attention which frankly was news to me.

Back at the super cool Los Angeles tech start up, Lawrence stops by Arpana’s desk and playfully asks her questions around what he should do with his impending takeover of the app world. Arpana makes this face:

Clearly she is clued into what Lawrence is not, which is that the presentation did not go as well as he thought it did. She tells him he should lower his expectations, because she doesn’t think Woot Woot is viable: it felt outdated. Speaking of delusional self esteem, Lawrence cooly replies that it’s fine if she doesn’t see the vision and who cares because she’s not the one greenlighting it anyway. As he gets up to leave, Arpana adds that clearly the bosses weren’t into it like they were some other app where they asked questions and dug through the pitch looking for flaws then scheduled a follow up. It slowly sinks in on Lawrence that maybe she has a point, but when she says “it’s like they didn’t want to offend you,” Lawrence puts his defenses back up and tells her that she’s entitled to her opinion. While I don’t approve of Lawrence’s childish blindspots, I do approve of his polite passive aggressive work rebuttals. (Professional environments love passive aggression.)

Laker bar. Molly shows up for her date with Dro, nervous about the speech she plans to drop. She awkwardly explains that she feels like things are different though objectively Dro’s behavior doesn’t seem in any way out of the ordinary. He tells her she’s being dramatic and to calm the fuck down. They playfully joke about french fries and apparently that’s all it took to defuse the tension.

The tension was so de-fused that they went back to Molly’s place after the game to offer us another excellently choreographed sex scene. A.) Molly’s headboard is everything (quality headboards are not in reach of everyone’s financial adult life, sigh) and b.) of all the ones we’ve seen so far I think Molly’s sex scenes are the only ones that are actually sexy.

Meanwhile, Issa has invited Mexican Bae over to her place. She doesn’t really want to date him, so this is all a ruse to hopefully get some dick. As she makes pointed conversation drawing attention to her visible bra and the obscene shortness of her skirt, at this point it’s like… do you even actually want some dick or is this just about proving a point? Like are you actually horny and wanting to get fucked? Nico plays along politely, even ignoring her obvious come ons. We are then treated to an awkward scene where Nico wants to treat Issa like a person and she wants to treat him like a conquest. It’s painful to witness.

Issa decides to try a more direct move and just initiates kissing. Nico tries to bring the date back around to their dinner reservations. I feel like the fact that he’s meant to be fairly older than Issa is supposed to play into this. Issa goes so far as to try to bypass this, and when Nico tells her to slow down - “I really like you and I don’t want to rush past this, I want to get to know you” - it just makes Issa angry. Even then, Nico is STILL WILLING to go out to dinner, but Issa apparently is too prideful for this so she flatly rejects him and watches him leave. Sigh. I do understand where she’s coming from, I do. But she’s going about it all the wrong way - very defensively and insecurely. (Oh! I get it now! Ba dum bum.)

Back at Molly’s, she and Dro are doing the post coital thing. He points out that she said she didn’t want to do this anymore. Molly is clearly in a dick haze because her defenses are vastly lowered. She wants to know the boundaries of their non-relationship but Dro is all cool and aloof. He does tell her he isn’t looking for a second side piece which you’d think considering the circumstances would clue her into how ridiculous a conversation this is. She’s asking a married man whether he wants to fuck other women on the side of his wife, isn’t that inherently answering its own question?

Anyway Dro says that Candace knows they are sleeping together and in fact it was her idea to open the relationship. Or so he says. Molly, like a fool, just wants to indulge her butterflies. Her caution is just lip service. She wanted to be told what she wanted to hear.

Another day at work, Lawrence decides to stop by the bosses’ office - where they are standing at waist high desks instead of sitting - and follow up regarding his presentation. Recalling Arpana’s words, he asks whetehr they have any feedback regarding his Woot Woot pitch. I really like the way they framed this shot:

as they shoot each other uncomfortable looks at being put on the spot. Lawrence is speaking in terms of how to to move forward with a viable project, but the bosses do nothing but offer more empty compliments. They have no additional thoughts that would signify any real concerns that would be relevant were this to be an actual project they undertook. The fat boss says they love having his “perspective and input” which delicately suggests Lawrence is there as a diversity hire and not as a real and valuable part of the team. “You bring a lot to the team,” the skinny guy says. The fat guy gives a typically encouraging bullshit line of being excited to see “Lawrence 2.0” and the skinny guy laughs sycophantically. If Lawrence still doesn’t get it, the fact that they overcompensate about his shoes again (“what store did you get those from again?”) should leave him in no doubt. Emasculating… no? (I have far too many thoughts on this subject so let’s move on. They aren’t particularly original, so I’ll spare you.)

Sexplosion. Hey! There are strippers doing pole tricks and chocolatey penis cakes so… what is Tiffany’s job again that this is a thing she does? Issa, Molly, Kelli, and Tiffany stroll up and take a bunch of free condoms. Issa thinks Molly broke things off with Dro because she asks why she needs condoms. They talk about barriers for oral sex and I just remembered this is the episode where they have the problematic, regressive conversation about oral sex.

So, let’s just get this out of the way: Tiffany, the only married one who is clearly the most whitewashed of the group, is the only one to openly acknowledge she loves giving blowjobs. Kelli doesn’t do it wholesale, Issa doesn’t like to do it, and Molly gives the Carrie Bradshaw (because of course this was a conversation on SEASON ONE of sex and the city) response of how it’s not her favorite but she’s flexible. Question: is this what black women are still on in the streets?

Being called a “ho” and ostracized for having any kind of sexuality is something that I left behind in high school once I was an adult and didn’t see any reason to need my choices validated by gossip and/or people I didn’t know. And the conservative quasi-religious culture of patriarchal standards and misogynist perspectives is something I completely abandoned in grad school when the only black men around that wanted to date me behaved like the shit I’d left behind in high school and I realized I was totally unfamiliar with any other cultural norms. I’m not going to go off on a tangent to get to the bottom line that I would hope this is not still a widespread understanding amongst young black women these days though I would not be entirely surprised if it were. I want to sum it up as so: when I exclusively dated black men some of the time I’d be sleeping with a guy who would refuse to ever kiss me, for apparently no reason whatsoever other than it was culturally normal. I was surprised when I started dating white men and they really do want to wake up and kiss you on the mouth first thing in the morning. I slept with a motherfucker all four years of undergrad who never went down on me ONCE. Like, I can’t - I feel like I’m biased and I don’t want to preach from that perspective, so I’m not even going to dig into this.

I will say this - I don’t know how the fuck you expect to successfully date as an adult when you have whole chunks of sexual entrees completely off the menu - for WHATEVER ideological reason - yet continue to think you are dating as a normal person. It’s a hang up. Call it a hang up and accept it.

The next day, Molly is reading an article by Serena Williams about closing the pay gap. Damn, that makes me feel bad. Her mom is still calling and leaving voicemails. At an office across town, Lawrence makes amends with Arpana by acknowledging “Woot Woot” is dead. He tells her she was right, and also there was a racial component to their behavior. Arpana bonds with him as a WOC. Lawrence finally starts to accept he was wrong about his app. They both slowly realize there’s some attraction there that might go somewhere, sometime soon. Every single Woot Woot joke this show has made has been hilarious.

Issa is at Daniel’s listening to some song he produced. It sounds good. Issa says it has a black Daft Punk vibe whiiiiich… it sounds good and nothing like Daft Punk at the same time. They have a moment about how apparently Issa likes champagne with a shot of Jameson. That’s new. They are very flirty and comfortable and eventually start kissing. Issa pushes him down on the couch and as they start to undress, she stops him and gets down on her knees. Speaking of hang ups, I refused to ever give a blowjob literally on my knees, until I started playing it up as an ego thing.

Somewhere across town, Molly is also having a sexy night, in some fancy sterile bathroom taking a bubble bath while Dro sits on the edge of the tub. Before they get too far along, Dro gets a text from his wife who has accidentally locked herself out of their home. Molly is disappointed, and plays it off badly. They were doing a fancy hotel thing ordering in romantic shit which… I mean, I don’t know, if they like it then I’ll abide it silently. Have taken a bath with a guy I was casually sleeping with though. The water was so hot we were both sweating and the wine glasses were fogging up. He asked me how my day was and when I started to reply he started using his fingers on me, but ordered me to keep talking. That dude and I were basically hate fucking, but that moment was always sexy as hell to me.

Back at Daniel’s he is impressed with Issa’s blowjob skills. And then this sequence of events happens: he’s about to come, and he grabs Issa’s head, somehow holding it in place until:

Look! I took a screenshot for you! Bwahahahaha. Seriously how would that work logistically? He’s holding her head down, so he… strategically pulls it up and manages to put it in exactly the right place so that he could shoot her in the eye? Issa is pissed. Daniel acts like he doesn’t know why she’s upset. Issa is so mad she’s incoherent, and forcefully pushes him away when he tries to touch her. Issa’s anger is on one level due to the aforementioned hangups about blowjobs - she said she felt like once you sucked a dude’s dick he felt like he conquered you and relegated you to ho status - but on another level, Daniel is rude as fuck and it is NEVER ok to do a facial without express consent. Her anger is justified, even if it is a bit exacerbated by other issues. Any man who is not an ain’t-shit knows it’s rude to come in your mouth without permission LET ALONE ON YOUR FACE! Hell I’ve dated men that wouldn’t come on me even when I asked, or my ex who would always pull away without my asking, even though I didn’t give a goddamn WHERE he came, EVER. Like, Daniel’s rude as fuck.

So, Issa tells him fuck you and leaves. She ends up hovering around a gas station waiting for her Uber pool that already has two people in it, holding a wet towel to her eye. “Issa?” the driver asks. “Issa car pool!” and everyone laughs except Issa because she’s tired of getting the idea that she’s the butt of every joke.

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insecure-hbo-recaps · 7 years

Text

hella blows

Previously on Insecure: Issa is cool with Daniel, but he knows what it is. She's all about her hoe-tation. Molly's dad cheated on Molly's mom which made her feel stupid enough to sleep with Dro. Issa wanted to make sure Daniel knew they were both seeing other people.

Issa's alarm goes off and at first it looks like she's beyond late for work. But it's something even worse than that: she has to get up to move her car out of designated parking to a free side of the street before she gets a ticket or tow. Ikr? About 65% of the reason I want to move out of my current neighborhood even though it's a huge hassle. "Ay! Your bumper bout to fall off," some idiot points out obliviously. "Thanks!" Issa trills in a curt "no duh" kind of way.

Molly is working late. Dro calls and she hesitates before answering, clearly not looking forward to it. She thinks they're going to have a serious conversation but of course he is just calling to shoot the shit. I feel like probably unfairly this paints Dro as suspect? Who fucks their lifelong friend while in an open marriage and then calls like nothing is different? I get the counterargument that that may be WHY he would call and act like nothing is different. But I don't trust these fools.

Molly gets a call on the other line, and tells Dro she has to go because it's her mom. But rather than brace herself for the sure emotional baggage that would come from that, Molly actually doesn't answer, and just sits there thinking about what a mess her life is. She and Dro apparently have plans to see each other the next day, which is ostensibly the real reason why he called.

Shout out to Issa's superfluously woke outerwear. She's wearing that sweatshirt with a somewhat less than casual long skirt by the way. She has no car, so she has to take the bus. She eyes some latino kid as though she recognizes him. He regards her awkwardly as if he recognizes her too. She slides Daniel a potential come thru text and heads into her apartment, bored and restless. She has an email for somethin called a "Sexplosion," which is appealing to her in this moment of drudgery. She bored.

Deciding this particular boredom is not something she can merely abide, Issa figures maybe she'll stop in on Neighbor Bae. Her bathroom freshen up routine consists of mouthwash and an aggressive verbal affirmation seminar. She's one hundred percent gasssed up.

She obliviously heads downstairs and knocks on Neighbor Bae's door. He is surprised to see her, but he's clearly pretending not to know whether or not he asked her over, which is polite. Issa assumes her dropping by should be welcomed, but Eddie has company. He makes needlessly polite excuses when honestly he didn't have to because who the fuck is Issa? Mama gotta have a life too.

Although Issa has to vent via mirror freestyle ("I could cry right now I'm so embarrassed and mad, I hope you can't get it up and that her pussy is trash") I mean, come on. Be reasonable. You're going to have to get a much thicker skin and a lot more comfortable with rejection if you're going to try to be about that ho life. And you know what, it's not for everyone. I had a friend who for some reason thought she was this perfect princess in her mind when really when she'd tell me stories I'd be looking at her like this is some random bitch who will do cocaine with strangers on a first date and then fuck them on the way home so why you think you deserve a doctor husband though? The answer to that question is that she was white and therefore delusional, but the overall point is that not everybody can brave the harsh landscape of being single and dating, and if you try to fake it you'll just end up crying at bars when men ask you why you're single (which also happened to this friend).

I really hate when I take accidental pauses like this one lol:

As Issa irritatedly deals with not getting the dick she psyched herself up for, she gets a double whammy of rejection when Daniel answers her come thru text that he's busy. Issa is not feeling singleness at this moment. There's an interlude with Baby Voiced Darius where he asks her, just randomly for no reason, if she's going to Target. "Why would I be?" Issa snaps. I mean, it's a fair question. I'm potentially going to Target 40% of the time in any random day.

In some other cool, quirky, millennial loft in Los Angeles, Lawrence is making some kind of pitch to a motley group of assembled coworkers. So now we finally get some details on the elusive Woot Woot: "it aggregates all of your data, where you shop, where you eat, where you drink, and it makes recommendations based on that." Motherfucker how is this any different from all the bullshit Netflix keeps recommending me 67 times that I'm not going to watch, or how google is so Big Brother on us now that if I'm watching or listening to something and decide to look up part of it, it can autocomplete my search based on less than one word? I mean to say... technology been way able to do that for a long time, bruh. Everyone cheers and applauds and Lawrence, in a very ugly navy cardigan, grins big at what seems like praise and encouragement of his idea. And... this was the idea he'd been working on while unemployed for two years? AND WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH "WOOT WOOT"?!

Two guys that I'm going to assume are Lawrence's superiors are giving him feedback. Bosses in the start up world look like this:

I'm glad I'm not inclined to this field because it's honestly not something that I think I would be able to take seriously lol. They say it's great and they loved the presentation. While their feedback sounds positive and Lawrence obviously thinks it's a vote of confidence, if you listen closely they're doing nothing but praising him individually and offering compliments to the fact that he is working hard and competently, not praising the viability of his work specifically. They make no comments whatsoever about the app being a good idea or potential product. Then, just to underscore the fact that they are Clueless White People, the fat guy asks Lawrence about his shoes, and calls them fly. I would take issue that at this point it seems like the show just makes fun of white people just to mock them and make white people as a whole unsympathetic but on the other hand... white people stay doing fake bonding shit like this when they don't have to, so if they look bad, then, motherfuckers, stop doing the shit.

Where do you suppose Issa and Molly are? I'm at a loss as to whether this is a Chinese restaurant, a really shitty travel agency, or somewhere where you can get your eyebrows waxed for eight dollars. Molly is telling Issa she's worried that she may have fucked up her friendship with Dro, and Issa points out that that wouldn't be surprising considering that she fucked her friend. I think that it's nice just a couple episodes ago Molly was having this talk with Issa, and now Issa's having it with Molly.

It turns out they're in a mechanic waiting room while Issa gets an estimate to fix her car. Molly opines that Dro is the only person/man who's seen her at her worst so why would she go and complicate things this way? And the way I feel about that is... if you start fucking a married man you really can't be thinking about any of this shit where he may potentially be a person that is anything other than a married man. Remind me again that at some point during this story line I take a complete break to tell y'all about how I was fucking a married man. The point is anyway that Molly is doing the most emotionally when you'd think it would be easy to understand that in a situation like this specifically you need to do your best to chill. Her current thought is to tell Dro she doesn't want it to happen again when they hang out later that night.The mechanic comes back and tells Issa they'll have to order parts to do the repairs (which duh she's getting body work done) and it'll be about 5500. Issa balks at that price tag.

Remember in the previous episode where Molly and Issa talked about a vacation? Molly still wants to go (listing a bunch of countries and islands that start with M, prompting Issa to chide annoyedly "there are other places with other letters") seemingly oblivious to the fact that if Issa can't afford to repair her car, she can't afford to go on vacation. In hindsight, this show really put a LOT of effort into very deliberate continuity between episodes, for really small things.

Issa is frustrated because she had been doing really well with all her various life parts and now all of them seem to be scattering out abruptly. She's still having trouble accepting that men she's seeing casually aren't just available for her whenever she wants them to be. Ok so... how are you saying you want Daniel to know to stay in his place, and you want Mexican Bae not to expect anything from you, but you want them to be willing to do whatever you want when you want it? Again: be reasonable sis. If you're gonna dish it out then obviously you have to take it back too. Then she acknowledges sex with her is mediocre and, again, this is where she loses me. I don't think I would ever describe sex with me as "acceptable" except on occasions when I know I am making no effort to leave an impression. Come on now. Half the dudes I got to stick around as adults - when sex is less of an issue and everyone has more baggage - is probably 80% because sex was the only draw. And I'm partially joking (clearly I have the delusionally high self esteem of a complete asshole and I like it that way), but seriously it's something that you have to think about as you get older. The Panties Card gets flimsier and flimsier, until it is no longer a guaranteed bargaining chip to maintain someone's attention which frankly was news to me.

Back at the super cool Los Angeles tech start up, Lawrence stops by Arpana's desk and playfully asks her questions around what he should do with his impending takeover of the app world. Arpana makes this face:

Clearly she is clued into what Lawrence is not, which is that the presentation did not go as well as he thought it did. She tells him he should lower his expectations, because she doesn't think Woot Woot is viable: it felt outdated. Speaking of delusional self esteem, Lawrence cooly replies that it's fine if she doesn't see the vision and who cares because she's not the one greenlighting it anyway. As he gets up to leave, Arpana adds that clearly the bosses weren't into it like they were some other app where they asked questions and dug through the pitch looking for flaws then scheduled a follow up. It slowly sinks in on Lawrence that maybe she has a point, but when she says "it's like they didn't want to offend you," Lawrence puts his defenses back up and tells her that she's entitled to her opinion. While I don't approve of Lawrence's childish blindspots, I do approve of his polite passive aggressive work rebuttals. (Professional environments love passive aggression.)

Laker bar. Molly shows up for her date with Dro, nervous about the speech she plans to drop. She awkwardly explains that she feels like things are different though objectively Dro's behavior doesn't seem in any way out of the ordinary. He tells her she's being dramatic and to calm the fuck down. They playfully joke about french fries and apparently that's all it took to defuse the tension.

The tension was so de-fused that they went back to Molly's place after the game to offer us another excellently choreographed sex scene. A.) Molly's headboard is everything (quality headboards are not in reach of everyone's financial adult life, sigh) and b.) of all the ones we've seen so far I think Molly's sex scenes are the only ones that are actually sexy.

Meanwhile, Issa has invited Mexican Bae over to her place. She doesn't really want to date him, so this is all a ruse to hopefully get some dick. As she makes pointed conversation drawing attention to her visible bra and the obscene shortness of her skirt, at this point it's like... do you even actually want some dick or is this just about proving a point? Like are you actually horny and wanting to get fucked? Nico plays along politely, even ignoring her obvious come ons. We are then treated to an awkward scene where Nico wants to treat Issa like a person and she wants to treat him like a conquest. It's painful to witness.

Issa decides to try a more direct move and just initiates kissing. Nico tries to bring the date back around to their dinner reservations. I feel like the fact that he's meant to be fairly older than Issa is supposed to play into this. Issa goes so far as to try to bypass this, and when Nico tells her to slow down - "I really like you and I don't want to rush past this, I want to get to know you" - it just makes Issa angry. Even then, Nico is STILL WILLING to go out to dinner, but Issa apparently is too prideful for this so she flatly rejects him and watches him leave. Sigh. I do understand where she's coming from, I do. But she's going about it all the wrong way - very defensively and insecurely. (Oh! I get it now! Ba dum bum.)

Back at Molly's, she and Dro are doing the post coital thing. He points out that she said she didn't want to do this anymore. Molly is clearly in a dick haze because her defenses are vastly lowered. She wants to know the boundaries of their non-relationship but Dro is all cool and aloof. He does tell her he isn't looking for a second side piece which you'd think considering the circumstances would clue her into how ridiculous a conversation this is. She's asking a married man whether he wants to fuck other women on the side of his wife, isn't that inherently answering its own question?

Another day at work, Lawrence decides to stop by the bosses' office - where they are standing at waist high desks instead of sitting - and follow up regarding his presentation. Recalling Arpana's words, he asks whetehr they have any feedback regarding his Woot Woot pitch. I really like the way they framed this shot:

as they shoot each other uncomfortable looks at being put on the spot. Lawrence is speaking in terms of how to to move forward with a viable project, but the bosses do nothing but offer more empty compliments. They have no additional thoughts that would signify any real concerns that would be relevant were this to be an actual project they undertook. The fat boss says they love having his "perspective and input" which delicately suggests Lawrence is there as a diversity hire and not as a real and valuable part of the team. "You bring a lot to the team," the skinny guy says. The fat guy gives a typically encouraging bullshit line of being excited to see "Lawrence 2.0" and the skinny guy laughs sycophantically. If Lawrence still doesn't get it, the fact that they overcompensate about his shoes again ("what store did you get those from again?") should leave him in no doubt. Emasculating... no? (I have far too many thoughts on this subject so let's move on. They aren't particularly original, so I'll spare you.)

Sexplosion. Hey! There are strippers doing pole tricks and chocolatey penis cakes so... what is Tiffany's job again that this is a thing she does? Issa, Molly, Kelli, and Tiffany stroll up and take a bunch of free condoms. Issa thinks Molly broke things off with Dro because she asks why she needs condoms. They talk about barriers for oral sex and I just remembered this is the episode where they have the problematic, regressive conversation about oral sex.

So, let's just get this out of the way: Tiffany, the only married one who is clearly the most whitewashed of the group, is the only one to openly acknowledge she loves giving blowjobs. Kelli doesn't do it wholesale, Issa doesn't like to do it, and Molly gives the Carrie Bradshaw (because of course this was a conversation on SEASON ONE of sex and the city) response of how it's not her favorite but she's flexible. Question: is this what black women are still on in the streets?

Being called a "ho" and ostracized for having any kind of sexuality is something that I left behind in high school once I was an adult and didn't see any reason to need my choices validated by gossip and/or people I didn't know. And the conservative quasi-religious culture of patriarchal standards and misogynist perspectives is something I completely abandoned in grad school when the only black men around that wanted to date me behaved like the shit I'd left behind in high school and I realized I was totally unfamiliar with any other cultural norms. I'm not going to go off on a tangent to get to the bottom line that I would hope this is not still a widespread understanding amongst young black women these days though I would not be entirely surprised if it were. I want to sum it up as so: when I exclusively dated black men some of the time I'd be sleeping with a guy who would refuse to ever kiss me, for apparently no reason whatsoever other than it was culturally normal. I was surprised when I started dating white men and they really do want to wake up and kiss you on the mouth first thing in the morning. I slept with a motherfucker all four years of undergrad who never went down on me ONCE. Like, I can't - I feel like I'm biased and I don't want to preach from that perspective, so I'm not even going to dig into this.

I will say this - I don't know how the fuck you expect to successfully date as an adult when you have whole chunks of sexual entrees completely off the menu - for WHATEVER ideological reason - yet continue to think you are dating as a normal person. It's a hang up. Call it a hang up and accept it.

The next day, Molly is reading an article by Serena Williams about closing the pay gap. Damn, that makes me feel bad. Her mom is still calling and leaving voicemails. At an office across town, Lawrence makes amends with Arpana by acknowledging "Woot Woot" is dead. He tells her she was right, and also there was a racial component to their behavior. Arpana bonds with him as a WOC. Lawrence finally starts to accept he was wrong about his app. They both slowly realize there's some attraction there that might go somewhere, sometime soon. Every single Woot Woot joke this show has made has been hilarious.

Issa is at Daniel's listening to some song he produced. It sounds good. Issa says it has a black Daft Punk vibe whiiiiich... it sounds good and nothing like Daft Punk at the same time. They have a moment about how apparently Issa likes champagne with a shot of Jameson. That's new. They are very flirty and comfortable and eventually start kissing. Issa pushes him down on the couch and as they start to undress, she stops him and gets down on her knees. Speaking of hang ups, I refused to ever give a blowjob literally on my knees, until I started playing it up as an ego thing.

Somewhere across town, Molly is also having a sexy night, in some fancy sterile bathroom taking a bubble bath while Dro sits on the edge of the tub. Before they get too far along, Dro gets a text from his wife who has accidentally locked herself out of their home. Molly is disappointed, and plays it off badly. They were doing a fancy hotel thing ordering in romantic shit which... I mean, I don't know, if they like it then I'll abide it silently. Have taken a bath with a guy I was casually sleeping with though. The water was so hot we were both sweating and the wine glasses were fogging up. He asked me how my day was and when I started to reply he started using his fingers on me, but ordered me to keep talking. That dude and I were basically hate fucking, but that moment was always sexy as hell to me.

Back at Daniel's he is impressed with Issa's blowjob skills. And then this sequence of events happens: he's about to come, and he grabs Issa's head, somehow holding it in place until:

Look! I took a screenshot for you! Bwahahahaha. Seriously how would that work logistically? He's holding her head down, so he... strategically pulls it up and manages to put it in exactly the right place so that he could shoot her in the eye? Issa is pissed. Daniel acts like he doesn't know why she's upset. Issa is so mad she's incoherent, and forcefully pushes him away when he tries to touch her. Issa's anger is on one level due to the aforementioned hangups about blowjobs - she said she felt like once you sucked a dude's dick he felt like he conquered you and relegated you to ho status - but on another level, Daniel is rude as fuck and it is NEVER ok to do a facial without express consent. Her anger is justified, even if it is a bit exacerbated by other issues. Any man who is not an ain't-shit knows it's rude to come in your mouth without permission LET ALONE ON YOUR FACE! Hell I've dated men that wouldn't come on me even when I asked, or my ex who would always pull away without my asking, even though I didn't give a goddamn WHERE he came, EVER. Like, Daniel's rude as fuck.

So, Issa tells him fuck you and leaves. She ends up hovering around a gas station waiting for her Uber pool that already has two people in it, holding a wet towel to her eye. "Issa?" the driver asks. "Issa car pool!" and everyone laughs except Issa because she's tired of getting the idea that she's the butt of every joke.

#insecure hbo #issa rae

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