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#it’s a stabbing joke
bluebluebluewoods · 7 months
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My gracious companion
With your eyes of doe and thighs of stallion
By your hand is the only end I foresee
I have been dreaming, you’ve been dreaming about me
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itsmeimcathy · 3 months
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March: *starts*
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More random Nimona headcanons
Bal is one of those people who isn’t allergic to anything except one random medication that no one uses 
Ambrosius calls him a lucky bastard every time it’s brought up because he’s allergic to everything 
His allergy list is at least three pages long and he doesn’t remember a single thing on that list 
Whenever they go out to eat Bal has to remind him “No you can’t eat that it has olives” “Not that either love it’s got lemon” and so on 
Most of his allergic reactions are pretty tame so he’ll eat it anyway
And it gives Bal and Nimona so much fucking anxiety 
One time Bal walked in on Nimona chasing Ambrosius around the kitchen yelling “Spit out the carrots Nemesis you don’t even like them that much!!” 
Whenever he eats alone he refers to it as a game of Russian roulette 
Bal refers to it as the reason he has high blood pressure
Because Bal and Ambrosius grew up in the limelight (for very different reasons) there are a million pictures of them through the years 
And they use those videos to bully the hell out of each other 
Bal can quote the video from the beginning of the movie not because it was an important moment in his childhood 
But because Ambrosius will quote it at the most random times throughout the day
Bal will do something small like kill a bug or chase out an animal that Nimona brought in
And he’ll hear Ambrosius mumble “I’m here to slay monsters and protect our kingdom”
He was a little worried Nimona would react badly to this habit but he started joining in 
One time he killed a spider and Ambrosius asks “Are you slaying monsters moonbeam?” Nimona yells from the other room “I’m so proud of him he’s truly protecting our kingdom” 
There are a million photos of baby Ambrosius on the internet 
And Bal made a PowerPoint presentation ranking their cuteness factor out of 10 (100 was the lowest score he got and it was a picture of him with the ugliest bowl cut you’ve ever seen)
And made Ambrosius sit through it 
That was the most loved and mortified he had felt in a long time
Nimona uses low-quality pictures of them as reaction photos 
There have been times when Nimona asks “Can we eat out tonight” and Bal tells her no and she sends him this 
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He’ll text back “Is that my fucking wanted poster?!” 
She asked Ambrosius if there was any ice cream left and he said no he expected her to call him and complain he didn’t expect this 
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He calls her yelling “When the fuck did that happen?!” 
And she hangs up immediately to let Bal deal with it
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halorvic · 8 months
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"Do not let anyone convince you that you need to get sick to be healthy."
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cemeterything · 9 months
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one thing about me is that i'm almost comically susceptible to reverse psychology. "ohh i bet you won't do it" i would kill and eat you without even stopping to think about it if you told me you didn't believe i could.
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jonny-b-meowborn · 7 months
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Once an Afton fucker always an Afton fucker
speedpaint
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curapicas · 28 days
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Touden siblings and in-laws candidates be like
Laios: would be happy to have Shuro as a brother-in-law, always treated Marcille nicely and in postcanon is best friends with her
Falin:
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stealthywing · 10 days
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Twinning
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levshany · 9 months
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My b-day parties be like
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sophiefoster942 · 5 months
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#Let sophie Elizabeth Foster stab someone in book ten
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the-three-whumpeteers · 5 months
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The whumper would abandon the whumpee for long periods of time, depriving them of any human interaction and barely giving them the bare necessities. The whumpee didn’t mind at first, but hated how they were quickly growing desperate for that interaction.
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beatcroc · 4 months
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homest[ar/uck] posting. this was meant to be supplementary to the gerome comic as him 'explaining the joke' but i uhhhhhh forgot.
i'm not much for crossovers in the the traditional sense, but it IS one of my favorite character exploration exercises to just go like 'if x media existed in this universe, who would and would not be a fan of it?'. and these ones are pretty notorious and always very fun to mess with for that and so here we are
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separatedleoau · 1 year
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The stab situation on this ask was not literal, it was more on the lines of Leo being badly wounded and them taking care of him against his will bc the boy refuses to sit down
but we can make it happen!
*adds "stab Leo" to my notes*
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jtl-fics · 1 year
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Fluent Freshman - Part 22
PREVIOUS
Y’know how sometimes you have something that you need to do or something that you know is going to happen but you just keep…putting it off? Like you know at some point it is going to happen but you put it off over and over and over and over again? You’re getting increasingly anxious every time you put it off because you know it has to get done but you also know that the longer you wait the worse it is going to get. Finally, FINALLY, the anxiety is just a little too much and you end up having to deal with it.
You finally deal with it and the whole ordeal takes maybe five minutes tops and it was in no way shape or form worth the level of anxiety that you put yourself through. Like you worried about this for a good and long while and it wasn’t even that bad?
That is currently how FF feels about being stabbed by Andrew Minyard.
This is what he was so worried about that he had lost sleep, had nightmares, had lost weight, and had exacerbated his stress ulcers over.
Getting stabbed wasn’t anywhere near as bad as he had thought it was going to be. Maybe it was the fact that it was just a single stab wound instead of the Psycho levels that he had been imagining (Wow, showers were going to be so much less stressful now that he didn’t have to confirm Andrew Minyard’s location before triple checking the lock). Maybe it was the fact that he is PUMPED full of adrenaline from his fights against Jackson and Romero but the stab wound didn’t even really hurt at the moment.
This isn’t even the worse thing that had happened to him this year!
That honor still goes to the joint winners of when his Step Family and mother found out that he had a full-ride to Palmetto and when he had tripped up the same step on the stairs at school three times in a row as people watched and laughed.
(Maybe also the solitary congratulations from his Grandma in regards to his graduation but FF doesn’t let himself think about that, won’t think about it.)
He wouldn’t necessarily call being in a state of ‘stabbed’ a pleasant time but Andrew was being so NICE about it.
“Stop trying to sit up you fucking idiot!” Andrew shouts at him.
Well….Andrew’s version of nice.
(This is the same version of nice that he had misunderstood for months at this point. Maybe FF is just enough in shock from the stab wound in his stomach that he’s starting to grasp the basics in the difficult language of Andrew Minyard’s niceness.)
Andrew had gotten off the phone with 911 and then started pulling off his own jacket before draping it over FF’s upper body, wedging his phone between his shoulder and his ear, and then Andrew started to apply pressure to his stomach wound.
Ow.
That is not a great feeling. This stabbing may eke out past the great triple trip of March 2010.
“No, take back your jacket. You’ll get cold if you don’t have it on.” FF argues because his own jacket is barely doing the job. Maybe it’s the cold pavement of the alley, maybe it’s the blood loss, or maybe it’s the cooling sweat he’d worked up but he is shivering pretty badly.
A thought occurs to him as he feels the weird wet stickiness of his own blood sticking to Nicky’s shirt. “Can you help me get my jacket off?” He asks looking pleadingly at Andrew, “It’s my dad’s. I don’t wanna mess it up with my blood.” He clarifies when Andrew looks at him like he’s a lunatic.
Except his second call must connect right then because Andrew’s answer is non-sensical to what FF had asked, “Neil, let Roland know the police and ambulances are en route.” There’s a brief pause and the pressure against his stomach increases as a muscle in Andrew’s jaw jumps. “Smith got stabbed.” He says and he looks angry, angrier than FF had ever seen Andrew when he’s talking to Captain Neil. There is another pause, more than likely Neil saying something or asking a question, “No, it wasn’t them.” Andrew grits out and the pressure on FF’s stomach hurts, “Just get out here, I need help with smith and making sure these two assholes don’t go anywhere before the police come and grab them.” He says before he pulls one hand away from Smith’s stomach (wow he really is bleeding isn’t he?) to hang up the phone.
Andrew’s gaze turns back to him fully, “You’re not moving an inch Smith, your jacket can be cleaned.” He hisses. “Now stay still and don’t fall asleep.” He orders.
Andrew seems stressed so FF complies. He can’t help but notice how Andrew’s hands seem to be shaking as the press down on his stomach. He kind of wishes he had a pillow or something for his head because he’s starting to feel a little dizzy. Andrew’s jacket would be safer from his blood if it was a pillow instead of a blanket. Still, FF would sooner die than spit on any of Andrew’s current efforts to make him more comfortable.
He looks at the knife sticking out of his stomach. Well, he might die regardless of whether or not he spits on Andrew’s efforts.
He needs to take his mind off this.
“Should we take it out and pretend the Dundee knife stabbed me instead??” FF asks letting his mind go to the first thought in his head so that he could be distracted from his own mortality. “I think it’s still under the dumpster over there.” He moves to point one of his hands towards where the knife had remained throughout this entire ordeal.
Andrew’s knee pinned his arm before he could move it, “Stop moving Smith.” Andrew reminded him before moving his knee. “We have to leave the knife in. You’ll bleed to death otherwise.” Andrew reminds.
“I guess that’s true, so do we just say that Romero got a handle on your knife and stabbed me?” He asks fighting his own shivers since he’s a little worried that any shaking on his part would just make the stab wound worse.
“I stabbed you Smith.” Andrew says looking at him with a furrowed brow.
“Yeah, I know,” FF agrees, “but we’re not going to say THAT to the cops.” He says and shock really is one HELL of a drug because he thinks he might have actually given Andrew Minyard an incredulous look with his atrophied face muscles. It’s either Shock or the knowledge that even if he irritates Andrew, what’s Andrew going to do about it?
STAB HIM?
“You’re going to lie to the cops?” Andrew asks, “I STABBED you Smith.” Andrew repeats.
“Yeah, I know!” FF repeats back, “You stabbed me on ACCIDENT.” FF makes sure to use the same intonation that Andrew had used to emphasize the word Stabbed. “Jackson wanted to stab me on PURPOSE. You saw that knife Andrew.” He tries to gesture towards the knife again but again Andrew’s knee pinned his hand.
He could use his other one but the reminder to stay still is enough.
“I still stabbed you.” Andrew says removing his knee again when it’s clear that FF wasn’t going to try and gesture again.
“Well, if I was going to get stabbed by anyone, I guess I’m glad my first time was with you.” Andrew let’s out a bark of a laugh that sounds more like it was punched out of him than anything, “Honestly, I don’t think Jackson would have given me his jacket afterwards or try and help me keep my blood in my body.” He says and it feels like a victory (not a both hands in the air victory cry level victory but it was close) when Andrew’s face settled into one of faint amusement.
“Probably not.” Andrew agreed, “He doesn’t seem big on Aftercare.” He says.
FF doesn’t know what that means but nods like he does, “So, Romero got a hold of your knife during our tussle and he’s the one who stabbed me. Okay? That’s the story I’m going to stick with no matter who asks me.” He looks Andrew in the eye.
“Alright Smith,” one of Andrew’s hands leaves his stomach and clasps around his shoulder and FF can’t help but notice how neither of Andrew’s hands are shaking anymore. “We can lie to the police.” He squeezes FF’s shoulder.
“Nice.” He says and lets his head fall back onto the concrete. He hears a siren in the distance and hopes it’s coming for him.
They sit in silence for maybe 30 seconds before the door slams open and only Andrew’s hands on his stomach and shoulder keep him from shooting straight up in a panic. Captain Neil seemed to take in the scene at lightning speed but it was Andrew who spoke first, “You left Aaron and Nicky with Roland?” He asks.
“Yeah I did,” Captain Neil confirms and FF can see the moment that his eyes land on the knife handle jutting out of FF’s stomach, “Andrew, what are we going to tell the police?” Captain Neil asks and FF could already see Neil crafting a lie to cover Andrew. That’s one of the things that FF likes about Captain Neil and Andrew’s relationship. He thinks it’s nice that both of them have someone who no matter the circumstances would be there with a shovel to help bury a body. He even thought it was nice when he thought it’d be his body!
“The second guy stabbed me.” The lie comes out smoothly which is good because he is planning on committing to it and Captain Neil blinks and looks at him, “He got hold of Andrew’s knife during the tussle.” He adds.
Captain Neil looks to Andrew, “You said it wasn’t-“
“I guess Smith can lie to a liar.” Andrew interrupts.
Captain Neil’s eyes widen before a wicked grin spread across his face that made FF just a little uncomfortable but only because Andrew’s grip on his shoulder suddenly tightened and his nostrils flared the way they did before the two usually started speaking in Russian.
He can handle being stabbed, he cannot handle being in shock and pretending that he doesn’t know what the two of them are saying to one another.
“Can you tell Nicky I’m sorry I got blood on his clothes?” He asks and both Captain Neil and Andrew’s gaze snap away from eye-fucking each other. He looks down and the clothes are black and they haven’t moved the knife so the wound is plugged still but yeah there’s definitely blood seeping into the shirt, not to mention the hole. “Could you tell him I’m sorry about that?” He asks.
“You are going to tell him yourself Smith.” Andrew hisses, “You are going to be fine. Do you understand me?” He asks before turning to Neil, “Can you bunch your jacket under his legs, it’s better to keep them higher than his head and heart?” He asks.
Aw.
Andrew is just so nice.
He can’t BELIEVE he thought Andrew wanted to hunt him for sport.
He’d apologize for thinking that but he thinks it’d be better to just let that particular misunderstanding go unmentioned.
Captain Neil bunches his jacket up and puts it under FF’s legs before he goes over to check on Romero and Jackson. In the corner of his eye he sees Captain Neil pause at the sight of Romero before moving over to Jackson.
“Why is he in these?!” Neil asks baffled.
“It’s a weird sex alley Captain Neil! I don’t know WHAT to tell you!” Yeah he’s definitely going into shock. The sirens are getting closer though so he’ll probably be okay.
***
The cops all have a bit of a laugh about Jackson’s cuffs until Neil tells them exactly who they are taking into custody. Neil could admit that he’s a little irritated with Andrew that at no point did the man clarify that the people who FF and Andrew were dealing with were Romero and Jackson.
Those are his father’s goons.
“They were here for me.” Neil says to the police officer and Andrew’s hand tightens in his, “They tried to take Smith because he’s my friend.”
They had decided on their story before the cops came. FF had no idea who any of these people were and was just defending himself. He’d gone out to catch his breath in the alley when Jackson had shown up. Neil had asked how in the world FF had handled Jackson on his own but FF must have been getting kind of loopy from blood loss because all he said was, “He told me to sing so I did.”
Neil can find out the full story later.
The important part is.
“Jackson went after Smith but Smith won the fight.” Neil says looking at where the cops are trying to decide how to get the fuzzy pink handcuffs off of Jackson to get him in the far more secure police issued handcuffs.
“Your friend said that you and he took out Romero together. That Romero is the one who stabbed him with your knife.” He says.
“Yes.” Andrew answers simply and Neil squeezes his hand as a reminder, “I went out to grab a smoke and Romero followed after me. Romero got hold of one of my knives in the struggle and stabbed Smith.” Andrew says with his usual deadpan affect.
“Yeah that’s what your friend Smith was saying too.” The officer says. “Well, I’m sure the FBI will want to talk to you all further but for now it’s a pretty clear cut case of self defense and no one but your friend has any serious injuries.” The officer pats Neil on the shoulder and Neil manages not to shirk away from the touch. The officer retracts his hand, “You guys are free to go tonight.” He says and turns back towards the car where a dazed Romero is in the back seat.
“Where did they take Smith?” Andrew asks since they’d been shepherded away from Smith the moment the ambulance had come. They hadn’t been able to ask which hospital Smith was going to be taken to so they could go and get updates.
“Lexington.” The cop answers, “Go on and see your friend. He seemed pretty loopy he kept talking about some beauty contest thing when he was getting loaded into the ambulance. I’m sure he’ll be a riot on painkillers.” The cop goes for a joke but it twists something in Neil’s stomach to think of FF so out of it that he’s talking nonsensically.
He feels Andrew’s hand stiffen in his and knows he’s not alone.
“Thanks.” Neil says before they head towards the front of the club. The club had been emptied out when the cops had come so Roland was babysitting Aaron and Nicky for them while they talked to the cops and FF was loaded out to the hospital.
In a way it’s almost a blessing that Nicky and Aaron are both so blasted that they aren’t comprehending any of what’s going on. They’ll have to drop them off back at the house before they go to the hospital. They’ll beat Wymack there easily even after the interrogation and drop off.
FF had asked them to call Wymack to let him know what was going on “I gave him the rights to make health care decisions for me if I’m incapacitated.” FF had said so Neil texts Wymack the hospital and the address after Andrew rattles it off for him.
“I don’t like that you hid it from me.” Neil says in the car.
“They wanted to kill you.” Andrew won’t apologize.
They still hold hands on the drive back to the Columbia house.
Andrew takes care of getting Aaron into bed while Neil helps Nicky.
Nicky who looks at Neil with a loopy smile and Neil hurts knowing that tomorrow when Nicky finds out about tonight and how he was too blasted to do anything to help FF.
Andrew and Neil reconvene in the Maserati and make their way to the hospital before either of them realize the issue.
“What is the name of the patient you’re looking for an update on?” The receptionist asks.
Both Andrew and Neil freeze.
Fuck.
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genericpuff · 2 months
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the funniest thing happened while i was at the convention
i was doing my walkarounds to other tables to say hi, treat myself to some prints and stickers, and either just get to know anyone who i didn't know or reconnect with those who i did and hadn't seen since last year
one such table included a duo of very nice ladies who specialize in making D&D dice, who i remembered from last year
we shot the shit over how the convention had gone for both of us, and it ended with one of them saying to me "okay, I said the most embarrassing thing to you last year that's kept me up at night" and i'm like oh god what, i've definitely already forgotten about it so let's have a laugh
"well last year when you were here you told me it was your first time working as a vendor at a convention and i told you that you were on your way to becoming a professional artist. and then after the convention i checked your instagram and saw you're a tattoo artist so you're already a professional artist so that was a whoops"
and as these things go, i don't remember them saying that to me at ALL and def had no ill will towards it LMAOO so i said it then and i'll say it again here if those pals happen to read this at any point - I hope you can finally get some sleep at night knowing that there are no hard feelings LMAO it was very nice to see you again and if you're ever in my area, I'd be down to tattoo you sometime ;3
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theminecraftbee · 1 year
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you know okay so like. pathetic and lame of people to complain about martyn’s means of winning limited life, he deserved that win, narratively it was sick as hell, it was perfectly in-character, and like it’s the murder murder death game what rules.
on the other literally everyone I know or follow has just been going WOOO YEAH MARTYN GET THAT BREAD STAB THEM IN THE BACKS GET TO BE JUDAS ALL UP IN THIS PLACE BETRAYAL FOR THE WIN YEAH LET’S GO so hearing people are mad about it is frankly baffling to me,
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